


Save the Kittens! - Leon and Cloud's Story

by Kareen2006



Category: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VIII, Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe - Science Fiction, Angst and Humor, Cleon, F/F, F/M, Graphic depictions of suicide and suicidal thoughts, M/M, Multi, Okay just checking. But seriously it's AU, Strifehart, Very AU, You're sure I did? 'Cus it's pretty AU, did I mention it's AU?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2017-11-09 16:17:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 111
Words: 741,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kareen2006/pseuds/Kareen2006
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prequel/spinoff to 'Save the Kittens' depicting Leon and Cloud's story from the moment they were both brought into existence to the near present time in the main 'Save the Kittens' story. Their struggles, their history, and most certainly: their love.<br/>Repost and continuation from FFnet!<br/>Tumblr Info Page: http://savethekittensinfo.tumblr.com/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Read the main Save the Kittens! story first to save me, you, and your dog the headache. I will not answer any comments I get asking what I mean when something is happening. You should be familiar with the terms and the science happening in the story already. If not, then that's all on you.

**Chapter 1**

Generally, when society thought of lions, a few words are always quick to emerge. Strong, majestic, powerful, 'king of the jungle' (though that phrase was entirely inaccurate), maybe even pride came to light. Pride in the sense of a group of lions, a family, one cohesive unit. One would expect the welcoming of such a creature into the world a miracle of nature. The bringing of a new generation of authoritative hunters to the world was supposed to be something of wonderment and awe. And, for the most part, it was. Everyone was excited and rushing around in a fevered pace to welcome the new life and get things back on track and headed in the right direction. A new species, a new generation, a new beginning.

It was beautiful. Until they dropped him, that is.

Landing with a wet slap against the tile as his virgin limbs slipped through one of his attending Technician's butterfingers made everyone around them freeze and look to him. Searing eyes bore down on the mousy worker who visibly shrunk back to avoid them. The Carrier, who was only identified by his model number at this point, groaned as his nerves were abruptly awoken by a dull ache. The Technician was quick to try and pick him up again and 9x8b was fumbled onto an icy metal exam table. The Carrier was then assaulted by someone pulling his eye open and shoving what felt like a hot metal rod into his cornea. He was blinded for a moment before the light faded and was pulled away.

"Take him for testing. Make sure you didn't break anything," a low gravelly voice said, the face to which was giving the clumsy Technician a poignant glare.

9x8b felt himself being lifted again and set on a much softer surface, a gurney, and being wheeled away. He opened his eyes to see the ceiling and a series of lights zoom past his vision. He suddenly had the uncontrollable urge to cough as his lungs tightened involuntarily. He did so, expelling a few mouthfuls of gestational liquid from himself onto the gurney's padding and himself. So glamorous. His body felt so very heavy as he tried to roll onto his side. It took so much unreasonable effort, that he simply gave up halfway through and lay on his back, watching the world move past him. The coughing didn't cease though and warm hands pushed his shoulders up, sitting him upright so everything he was getting rid of had a place to go. By the time they reached the next exam room, he had coated the front of himself and a good portion of the gurney in a thin slime.

He was given a blanket to wrap up in as the shivers started. His entire body was cold and trembling. He folded his limbs around himself and stared at the gurney, the ache from being dropped having replaced itself with the unbearable twitching of his muscles. He was left alone for almost an hour. His quaking slowed from a constant to just a few tremors every now and again while his hair dried and lay against his face in lifeless tendrils. He thought a lot. He was aware of what he was, though he doubted he could explain it to anyone that didn't already know. He was aware of his Totem, and the desire to obtain his Charge. The details surrounding all of this were a bit fuzzy, but he was sure his family could help clear some of it up. He smiled to himself. Yes, his family. He wondered when they would come see him. Surely they had to know he was awake.

A Technician came in, and the Carrier's optimism bubbled as he smiled. He would be going to his home soon, hopefully. To his family, to the comfort, and out of the place he was now which wasn't nearly as appealing. The Technician focused on his tablet for several minutes, poking the device with his stylus and scrolling through the information. 9x8b sat still, his smile fading when the man didn't say anything, copper eyes focused on his task. The man pushed a piece of silvery gray hair out of his face when he was finished, looking to the Carrier with a scrutinizing gaze.

"Model number?" came the short demand.

"9x8b," he replied, his vocal chords cracking a bit with the effort.

"Totem?"

" _Pathera Leo_."

"Good," the Technician said, taking a note on his tablet. He stepped to the gurney and clicked a pen light and checked his eyes again. He held his finger in front of 9x8b's face for him to follow without moving his head, snapping his fingers next to either ear to see them twitch and react and did a brief visual check of all of his teeth.

"When do I get to see my family?" 9x8b asked anxiously after another hour of boring simple tests.

"You don't have one," the Technician said bluntly. The Carrier's optimism was immediately crushed. He suddenly wanted to crawl back into his gestational chamber for another twenty years. "You're going to be transported to your facility which is in Dome 813, and there you will be more thoroughly tested. After everything checks out, you will the start on your studies. Only after all of that, will your project really begin. You can select a Charge as soon as tomorrow though. You will probably have to wait several years before you can leave to retrieve them, so it shouldn't change your timeline much."

"Oh… but if I'm by myself, who's going to help me?"

"That is not my concern. The only thing I care about is results," the Technician said. He gathered his tablet and left quickly, calling another team of Technicians to transport him elsewhere. 9x8b hadn't even had the chance to walk, let alone gather much information. He had a vague inkling of what his project was and what he would be doing but everything technical was a blur.

He was lifted off of his sticky gurney and placed on another one that was rolled outside. His blanket was taken from him and a pair of beige shorts and a bland t-shirt was shoved in his arms. He stared at the clothing confusedly as he was lifted into the back of a van. Inside, the Technicians shoved him around as if he were a doll until he was properly forced into the fabric. He was still unbelievably cold. He huddled on the gurney shivering as it started to move, pulling away from the building, the Compound, and headed towards the Dome's gate.

* * *

"Hello, 9x8b," another Technician said. His voice was warm and soft, if a bit low and throaty. The previous Technician had been rather cold to him but this new one was the opposite. The Carrier could recall a passing conversation between the Technicians in the van about a man named 'Ansem,' and that he was a lunatic. 9x8b was leery of the man in front of him. "Can you stand?" he asked, holding a tablet up and poking at the screen with his stylus.

"I haven't been allowed to," the Carrier admitted.

"Go ahead and try," the Technician urged. The other nodded and scooted himself to the edge of the gurney and swung his legs over. The floor was icy on his virgin feet and he vaguely wondered if everything in his life would feel as if it had been refrigerated. He was tired of shivering already. But, he was standing, and that was a positive. He even took a few steps, getting a feel of his weight and how easily his body tried to accommodate movement. He could feel his muscles relax and his joints shift into what was normal and expected of a standard biped. The Technician took notes of the progress and the Carrier helped himself to strolling around the room. "My name is Ansem, if you didn't already know. You are in my jurisdiction of Domes so if there are any problems I will be handling them. Did Xemnas already examine you?"

"Nothing other than my face and reflexes," 9x8b said as he went to sit on the gurney again. Ansem gave a tired sigh.

"Would've saved me a lot of time if he was a bit more courteous," Ansem grumbled, mostly to himself. "Go ahead and disrobe and lay back on the exam table. The gurney is too high for me to see everything clearly."

The Carrier did as he was told, finagling the button and zipper of his shorts for several minutes until he could make his fingers work them properly. The exam table sent another wave of shivers through his body as he lay on it. Ansem hands weren't exactly all that warm either. The Carrier fought the urge to twitch and roll away from his touch through his entire physical exam. It got even worse when he had to roll onto his stomach and the freezing metal had to touch everything sensitive he had on him. Every inch was checked. Every hair was pushed around and every joint was bent. He was allowed to redress when Ansem was finished.

Nerve testing was next. He was hooked up to the nearest Catalogue terminal and Ansem threw just about every sensation as he could at the Carrier, making him cry out in pain and shiver with pleasure without laying a finger on him. It was during this process that 9x8b really started to understand how different he was from the people he had come in contact with so far. He hadn't been able to catch a glimpse of himself in a mirror yet to see his appearance before then, either. By the time Ansem had finished assaulting him, 9x8b was feeling a little depressed. He wanted to interact with family so badly, because they would understand. They'd understand how inhuman he felt and how much he didn't really want to be a Carrier. The idea that he'd be by himself without that support system to help him through the process was upsetting.

"Alright. Tomorrow we'll test your Link thoroughly as well as get your dental work done. For today though, Tifa will be helping you get adjusted. You will be staying with her and her Charge for a week before we can get you set up in your own room on the male side of the facility. After that, you can start looking for your Charge in the Catalogue as well as start your studies. Sound good?" Ansem asked.

9x8b nodded, feeling less than confident. Ansem frowned a little.

"Are you alright?" he asked. The Carrier shrugged.

"Disappointed, I guess. I sort of expected a family to wake up to."

"Well, it all has to start somewhere, doesn't it? I think the opportunity to start and run the program the way you want to is a pretty good way to make up for what you don't have. But remember, nothing is going to stay the same. From this point forward everything will change a little bit at a time. The sooner you get the preliminary things done and find your Charge, the quicker you can start building your family. You do understand you ultimate goal, yes?"

"…I hadn't really gotten past the family part to think about much else."

"Ah, I see. Understandable. But you're a part of something much greater than just your Carrier family. You need to rebuild your Totem, and that is probably even more satisfying than having other Carriers of your kind to interact with. It doesn't end with your immediate family, don't forget. Though they're important, your main focus should be your Totem."

9x8b heaved a heavy sigh and nodded.

"Good," Ansem said. "It may help if you picked a name soon and gave yourself some color and life to look at once you get the chance."

"Okay," the Carrier deadpanned. He stood again and Ansem lead him out of the lab they had picked and wandered through the winding and nonsensical halls of the facility. 9x8b had been brought to the male side of the facility for testing and he didn't bother to pay attention to the directions they were walking because he didn't see the point. The whole building didn't make any sense. There were bedrooms next to laboratories, next to stasis stations, next to the cafeteria, all in a seemingly random order with dull gray walls and cold white floors. It was an abysmal place so far in his book, and he wasn't looking forward to coming back after his week was up with 'Tifa.'

Outside was better than inside, he decided. There was grass and sunshine and fresh air to breathe, things to do, and people willing to visit, or so he assumed. There weren't a lot of bodies to mingle with inside, seeing as everyone was closed up in their labs, but the activity outside seemed more normal, more social. The wavy glass panels of the dome overhead gave the setting sunlight a bit of an iridescent sheen over the landscape. He watched his feet and focused on the feeling of grass between his toes as he followed Ansem across the field towards the female building. Once inside, he pouted inwardly a bit, having lost the feeling of earth under his feet. Outside was _definitely_ better than inside.

They were greeted in the entryway of the female building by a woman, as expected, but the man that was with her was hardly what 9x8b thought he would see. He was in a wheelchair. The Carrier was thoroughly confused and he looked to Ansem who wasn't paying attention to him. The Technician greeted the female with a warm smile and a hug while he shook hands with the man in the chair. They carried on a brief conversation that consisted of a lot of nodding on Ansem's part. The Technician left afterward, giving him a pat on his shoulder with a promise of seeing him the next day. 9x8b stood in the hallway, shivering a bit. The woman wheeled the man over to him, both of them smiling away.

"Hi, I'm Tifa," she said happily. She patted the man's shoulder. "This is Zack, my Charge."

"Hey," Zack said with a broad smile and a wave. 9x8b waved back, staying quiet. He didn't really know what to make of the pair just yet. Tifa, all smiles, approached him and started fussing with his hair. It was shoulder length, like everyone started out with, but the gestational liquid had dried it into disheveled chunks that she pushed around, trying to make him a bit more presentable.

"I don't expect you to be Mr. Social Butterfly just yet but we should at least get you talking and more comfortable with us. We _are_ going to be living together for the week, yes?" she asked. The male Carrier nodded as she took his arm and started leading him down the hallway. Zack wheeled himself along right at their sides.

"Where are we going?" 9x8b asked quietly.

"So you _can_ talk. Well, first we're going to get you cleaned up. Sound good?" she asked. He nodded again. They walked together quietly, weaving through nonsensical hallways for over twenty minutes. 9x8b couldn't really keep track of where they were going and was surprised Tifa even knew where they were. They eventually ended up in a bedroom. It was very…purple. It was the best way to describe everything. Varying shades and tints of violet adorned nearly every piece of furniture he could see, even the floor had a large lavender rug filling up most of the free space over the tiles. Most of the adornments otherwise were either woven or made of glass. Doilies, vases, tiny trinkets of every variety littered the tops of the armoires and floating shelves they had installed at one point. Zack wheeled himself to the bed and Tifa bent down and helped pick him up from under his armpits and wobble onto the mattress. Zack hissed in pain as he reclined back against the pillows (also purple) and got comfortable. 9x8b was confused but Tifa took his hand and pulled him towards the bathroom.

The door closed and she went about digging in a nearby cabinet for a couple towels. 9x8b went to the mirror and looked at himself for the first time. He raked his fingers through his tangled hair and pulled it back from his face. Perfect unblemished skin, serious eyes, a slim nose, pouty lips, and soft cheek bones was not what he was expecting, but he couldn't complain. Tifa giggled a bit and patted his shoulder.

"You're pretty," she said. He scowled.

"Thanks?"

"You're welcome." She clicked on the shower and held her hand under the spray, gauging the temperature. "Come on then," she encouraged when it was just right. She started undressing, tossing the clothing aside without a care before stepping into the shower. He hesitated, a bit unsure of himself. He didn't really register her nudity or even pay attention to her being the opposite gender, but he wasn't really sure what she was expecting of him. When he didn't move right away she stuck her head out from behind the curtain. "Come on," she said. She waited until he started pulling his clothing off before going back to where she was.

She stepped out of the spray for him and he shuffled under. Almost immediately his legs turned to jelly as violent shivers shook his body. She caught him and lowered him to the tiled floor, helping him sit upright. He hugged his legs to his chest and she turned the water temperature up. The shivering was almost painful and every nerve in his body was tingling. His teeth chattered and clacked together so much his jaw started to hurt. He was scared, unable to understand what his problem was but Tifa just knelt next to him and rubbed his back.

"W-w-wha—" he stuttered, unable to finish.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked. He nodded shakily. "Nothing. Your skin is adjusting to life outside the gestation tank. Tap water is not the same as what you've been growing in for the last…twenty years or so, just taking a rough guess, I don't actually know how old you are. Your body needs to stop trying to absorb nutrients from wherever it can get it from. This is a good way to help the process along."

"I d-d-on't—"

"Understand, I know. It's okay. You will eventually. It should stop in a little bit," she said. She scooted around behind him and sat back against the wall with her legs open. She gently pulled him back until he reclined against her, resting against her chest. She pet his hair gently, calmingly, allowing the shivers to run their course. He squeezed his eyes closed and after almost a half hour, they slowed, until it was back to the way it was before, just a few tremors here and there every few minutes. He was able to stand again. She handed him a bar of soap and some shampoo and conditioner and left him to it. She waited outside the shower for him and helped him dry.

"All clean?" Zack asked cheerfully when they went back into the bedroom proper. 9x8b nodded and stood off to the side as Tifa ran a brush through her damp hair, going to sit on the bed. The awkward silence lasted for a few minutes and he wondered if it would've been this strange had he had a family to wake up to. Nothing around him made him think of comfort. Nothing smelled like him or his Totem. It was…sterile. Empty. It smelled like Zack and Tifa but they weren't exactly his family so he couldn't fall into the comfortable familiarity. It was cold, and reminded him of just how alone he was.

"What's wrong?" Tifa asked, taking in the other Carrier's downtrodden expression. 9x8b shook his head.

"Nothing. Just thinking."

"You sure?" she pressed, looking concerned. He didn't want to lie, he didn't want to feel that depressed, but he didn't think she could comfort him much either. He thought quickly for something else to say.

"Just… curious," he lied.

"Oh?"

"About… Zack?" he asked, even he didn't know where this was going. The pair in the bed exchanged a look. Zack looked back to him and pointed to the wheelchair.

"This? It's temporary. I just got home from the hospital a couple days ago. I had a liver transplant. It was awesome. They let me see the new one before the surgery. It was blue, completely synthetic, and they had an entire closet of them. I was _fascinated_ ," he said, chuckling a bit. Tifa smiled. None of that information made any sense to 9x8b. He didn't know what a liver was, what a transplant was, or what synthetic meant. Really, he only had the concept of 'blue' but that didn't tell him anything.

"Oh," he deadpanned. Tifa giggled, knowing exactly what he was thinking and how much he didn't understand.

"Well, now that you're clean, what did you want to do? Or maybe a better question would be how do you feel?" she asked. 9x8b thought about it, and had to really focus to come up with a term.

"Tired," he proclaimed. Tifa nodded and patted the space in the bed in between her and Zack.

"You should be. Being born is a lot of work. You can sleep, though I don't expect it to be very restful. It'll take a bit before your body can adjust to sleeping on a solid surface," she said. He nodded and crawled across the comforter and scooted into place. Tifa tucked him in and gave him an extra pillow. He rolled around in place to get comfortable, and settled in after about an hour of tossing.

* * *

"Tifa."

"Hmm?"

"…The bed is wet."

"Oh my…" she trailed with a concerned face. Zack let out a long grumbling sigh. "Oh stop it, he can't help it."

"My pants are wet."

"I'm sure they are."

"He's totally facing me, isn't he?"

"Yes."

"Great, right in the line of fire."

"Stop it."

"It's hard for me to rationalize this. He's an adult," the Charge muttered.

"Right, but he was born yesterday. I did it too when I was just matured. It takes some getting used to," Tifa cooed and reached over to pet 9x8b's hair.

"Okay, well, you have to help me change," Zack said and jerkily pushed himself up into a sitting position.

"I'll take care of it," Tifa said and took the other Carrier's shoulder and shook him gently.

"I'm awake," 9x8b sighed. He hadn't gotten more than two hours worth of sleep over the last nine and he was feeling it.

"Alright, go get yourself in the shower and get cleaned up. I'll change the sheets and find you some new clothing," she said calmly. The other Carrier sighed again and tossed the top blankets off himself and scooted out of the bed. The lights were off and he was thankful. His utter embarrassment was plain on his face and he never wanted to feel that way again. Experiencing such a whirlwind of emotions over the course of his first day was stressful. He could hardly focus on anything and was frustrated. Why did life outside his warm tube have to be so difficult? He could only assume it would get worse, especially when he had to start doing actual work.

It was around that time he decided he needed to get started as soon as possible so he could eliminate some of the negativity he was feeling. The embarrassment from wetting the bed was temporary but the heaviness and loneliness that was dragging him down further would clear up when he found his Charge. As he turned on the shower he wondered how long he would have to wait. He almost wanted to ask Tifa where the nearest Catalogue was so he could see his options. But as he stepped into the shower, the violent shivering started again and he had to put a hand on the wall to steady himself. They didn't reduce him to a huddling heap, and lasted only a few minutes, but they were just as annoying. He had been shivering on and off since he left the gestation chamber and was tired of it by this point.

By the time he finished, Tifa had come in and left a clean set of clothing for him to use. He left the bathroom dressed and clean again. The sheets had been changed and Zack was replaced in the bed with clean pants. 9x8b fidgeted a bit at the foot of the bed, almost afraid to get back in and sleep. Tifa fluffed the pillows for him and gave him an expectant look.

"Come on, then," she urged. He hesitated and she gave him a pleading look. "It's alright, really. Everyone does it at some point. I was expecting it."

"You were?" Zack asked, giving her a quizzical glance.

"Yes, that's why there's a plastic bed pad under the fitted sheet," she said. Zack scowled and pressed on the mattress, feeling the slight crunch under him.

"Huh. I thought I was just imagining things," he said thoughtfully.

"I've done this before, Zack. Trust me. He's normal," she said and looked back to 9x8b. He shuffled back into his spot and pulled the covers up to his eyes, shrinking down as much as he could in an embarrassed fit. Tifa smiled and settled back down as well and pulled him towards her. He rolled onto his side for her and she tucked his face under her chin. He cuddled into her collar bones and she hugged him close, curling an arm up to pet his hair soothingly.

"You know, if I didn't know how motherly you get, I would be jealous," Zack teased.

"Good thing you're aware then, yes?" she asked with a giggle.

* * *

"When did you get up?" Tifa asked sleepily, rubbing her eyes a bit. When she had awoken, 9x8b wasn't in bed. It was later that morning and she was worried he had wandered off somewhere. But then she noticed the light streaming out of the little room where her Catalogue terminal was next to the bathroom. He was sitting in the chair poking away at the crystalline keyboard, having figured out how to hook into his Link and start it up. He looked to her, feeling a bit guilty. He didn't know if he should be doing what he was doing, or if Tifa even wanted him in her chair or not.

"A couple hours ago, I guess," he said quietly and poked at the keys some more. He stumbled through everything not really knowing what he was doing, but it was better than lying in bed and being useless. "How do I find my Charge choices?" he asked, sounding a bit impatient, accentuating his point with more poking.

"So soon?" Tifa asked.

"Yes. As soon as possible. I need to get started."

"You haven't even studied anything or… eaten anything yet. It's too soon to start looking."

"Says you."

"Yes, and I happen to be forty years older than you so I think I know what I'm talking about," she insisted, getting a bit annoyed. 9x8b glared ahead of himself at the screen of nonsensical gibberish he couldn't really understand. He could read the words just fine, but what they did and their purposes were still unreachable. He let out a frustrated huff.

"Are you an original?" he asked, looking to her with a light glare.

"You mean was I the first of my Totem?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Then you don't know what you're talking about. You don't know what it's like to wake up and have some of the first thoughts you have be about a family that doesn't even exist yet, and won't exist for a long time. Then… you can't sleep and you toss and turn and all you think about is 'I really wish I had someone that at least shared a little bit of my scent so I would feel more secure.' And you do that for _hours_! No, _I_ did that for hours! I finally couldn't take it anymore and just _had_ to do _something_ to take my mind off of it!" he barked at her. She flinched back a bit and watched 9x8b pull his legs to his chest and stare ahead of himself, his eyes welling up with angry tears. It just wasn't fair. He didn't fully understand what he was feeling but he couldn't help himself. He didn't know if it was normal to get this upset over something that's repairable or if everyone felt like that at some point. Tifa was almost at as much of a loss as he was, having never taken care of an original Carrier before. She mostly just helped her siblings.

"You need to try and control yourself," she said with a small sigh. 9x8b sucked in a breath, tears trickling down his cheeks. He wiped at his face and sniffled loudly. Tifa went to him and rubbed his back. "I know it's hard to deal with emotions you haven't had a chance to understand yet, but you need to try. I understand the frustration, and I may not be able to relate, but I can understand the loneliness too. But it's hardly been two days since you've come here. You really shouldn't be so concerned about getting started right away. You have more than enough time to get adjusted and do everything correctly. Give it some time for your own sake."

"I want to see though…" 9x8b trailed, trying his hardest to pull himself together and wipe away the tears. He sniffled loudly and heaved a shaky sigh. "I want to see my options."

"They may change by tomorrow. They come and go; there is no point in torturing yourself and getting attached to one before you're ready to really decide."

"If they change so often, then it's more important to look at them. What if I miss one that's perfect?"

"Perfect doesn't exist, sweety."

"…Sweety?"

"Yes," she giggled. "You don't have a name and I don't really want to call you by your model number."

"Oh," he said, furrowing his brows a bit in contemplation. The last of his tears were wiped away and stuck his fingers in his mouth to unplug himself from the Catalogue. Tifa startled when she realized what he was doing.

"No don—!" she was cut off as 9x8b unhooked himself. Instantly his heart rate picked up and the organ thudded against his ribcage. His chest tightened painfully and he found he suddenly couldn't breathe very well. He doubled over, clutching his chest, nearly falling out of the chair. Tifa was right there to help, making sure he didn't crumple onto the floor and hurt himself. She rubbed his back again. "You didn't shut the Catalogue down properly before disconnecting. That's not a good thing to do. It'll pass, just give it a minute," she explained. 9x8b let out a pained squeak as the clenching lasted another minute. When it dissipated, he panted a bit to regain his breath, feeling nauseous.

"I don't… I don't feel right…"

"It's painful, I know. It'll be alright."

"…No I—" he choked out before promptly vomiting on the floor in front of him. Tifa startled and scrambled away from him. He didn't have much to expel, and it was mostly liquid but that didn't make it any more desirable. He coughed several times afterward, the bile burning at his throat. Tifa let out a tiny sigh before exiting the room and going to find some cleaning supplies. 9x8b sat by himself, his mind reeling. That wasn't exactly what he was expecting. Tifa came back several moments later with a box, a broom, a dust pan, a mop, and a bucket.

"Go take a shower and lay down. We can handle things in a little bit. I'll take care of this," she said and opened the box and started sprinkling absorbent crystals on the puddle. 9x8b scooted out of the way for her and did as he was told.

* * *

"Well, it sounds like you're well on your way to greatness," Ansem chuckled as he went to retrieve the dental supplies from the storage closet at the back of the lab. 9x8b's exam was due to start soon but he had wasted a good ten minutes telling Ansem about his first day and his morning. He wasn't feeling any better by the time the Technician arrived and moped about the lab while Ansem got his things together. Eventually, he lay back on the exam table and Ansem got to work. The Technician clicked around in his teeth with various pointy implements the Carrier couldn't even comprehend for about twenty minutes. 9x8b sighed a bit as the time pressed on without any conversation to distract him. All he could think about was his potential Charge candidates. "What's wrong?" Ansem asked.

_I'm bored of you already. I need to be doing something else_ , the Carrier thought to himself. He stayed quiet otherwise, not wanting to confess his eagerness and come off as ignorant again. He already felt strange being around Tifa after everything that had transpired. Ansem gave him a concerned face.

"Not so talkative anymore? Well…that's fine. But if there are any problems, let me know. As for your teeth," he started, poking and scraping against a couple, "they're fine. You need to be extra careful and take care of them, though. They are the most important part of your body, believe it or not. If you harm your teeth, you risk harming the point of access for your Link. That would lead to serious problems. The Link is what makes you a Carrier. Without it, your body's equilibrium would be off balance and you'd destroy yourself from the inside. Scary, yes?"

"Hnng…" 9x8b grumbled around the metal probe in his mouth. Ansem smiled.

"But, take care of yourself and you won't have any problems. You'll live a long time," he assured and sat back, pulling all his instruments away and allowing the Carrier to sit up. 9x8b ran his tongue over his teeth quietly, trying to feel for a difference, but he couldn't find any. His canines were just as long and pointy as they were before and his human teeth were just as blunt. He supposed he would understand later why it was important to have an exam so soon, but he was curious. Ansem took his tools over to the sink and started cleaning them. "We only have one more thing to do before I release you."

"And that is?" the Carrier questioned. Ansem went to a nearby cabinet and retrieved a metal cylinder with buttons on the lid. He opened the container and dug out a small plastic cup with a lid, similar to a film canister, and held it out to the Carrier.

"I need to make sure your reproductive organs are… functional," the Technician said casually, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. The Carrier scowled.

"And how exactly am I supposed to show you that?" he grumbled, taking the cup from him.

"Well… masturbation is generally the way to go about it. But, I can force it from you by using the Catalogue if you're really against it."

_Mastur—what?_ 9x8b thought while he gaped at the Technician confusedly. When Ansem didn't get an answer from him right away he went to the Catalogue and pulled the cord out from behind the screen and as much excess as he could in order to reach the Carrier.

"I'm not about to teach you how to masturbate. It's a hit or miss with a lot of new Carriers that I come across. Some understand and some don't. It's alright, just make sure you catch everything in the cup," he said, holding the cord out to him expectantly. 9x8b took it with a suspicious look before connecting the hookup to his Link. "Good. Just remove your shorts and I'll handle the rest. I won't watch."

The Carrier scooted out of his clothing as he was told and sat on the icy table, still a bit confused. He didn't have much of a grasp of the idea that his exposure was supposed to make him feel embarrassed, especially around a man he hardly knew. The concept of modesty wasn't one that came naturally for most Carriers. But, Ansem did as he said anyway and sat at the Catalogue terminal with his back to him, typing away and bringing up the application they had used the previous day, the one that could stimulate 9x8b's nerves. The Technician spun the dial on the seamless glass keyboard, increasing the slow tingling that traveled down the Carrier's spine and swooped around to his pelvis. The arousal was quick, nearly painful, and surprised him. Ansem didn't stop though and turned the dial more, forcing the Carrier to let out a yelp and grip the table. The rush came at him so quickly he had very little time to remember what he was supposed to be doing.

By the time it was finished, he had had a stunning revelation of what modesty was and how valuable it could be. It felt so _wrong_ to be stimulated like that, almost dirty. He shakily reached for his shorts, glaring at the back of Ansem's head, spitefully happy that he had _totally_ missed the cup.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

For many, a glass of milk for breakfast and a couple of raw eggs sounds absolutely disgusting. But, for 9x8b it was just fine. It took his digestive system another two days to wake up and tell him he was hungry, but when it did, it was almost painful. It scared him at first, hearing his body make so many grumbles in protest, but Tifa assured him that they were good signs and it was normal. He took her word for it. He stared at his consumables for the better part of a half hour before finally trying to eat them, forcing his throat to swallow and not close up and choke him.

Zack watched him with a small amused smile from across the table while Tifa ate her solid meat chunks happily. The milk didn't taste like much and 9x8b had mixed feelings about it, but he managed to drink it all anyway. Then he stared at the bowl of eggs, trying to decide how he was to go about this one. The glass that held his milk was a bit easier to maneuver. Zack, who was finished with his meal, took it upon himself to use his fork to scramble the eggs a bit and retrieve a straw for him. The Carrier thanked him and ate quietly.

There was a loud _clack_ as another mealtime participant plopped his tray down on the table next to Tifa. 9x8b snorted and choked a little in surprise, his eyes flying to the newcomer. Tifa startled as well. The other Carrier, a male, sat heavily in his seat, propping his elbows up on the table and holding his face in his hands. Silvery white hair fell around him like a veil as a hoarse sob ripped from his throat and he started to break down. He carried on for a few minutes, everyone around him in a stunned silence, before he shoved his tray away and folded his arms on the table and laid his face on them, his cries reverberating off the surface and echoing. The other denizens of the cafeteria quieted, looking at them. 9x8b was confused.

"Riku, when did you get back?" Tifa asked, reaching over and rubbing between his shoulder blades. The Carrier sniffed loudly, pulling his face up just enough to answer, revealing bright aqua eyes that had been bloodshot from too much crying.

"Day before yesterday," he squeaked out, clenching his teeth in an effort to keep himself under control. Tifa's brows knitted together in concern and she scooted her chair closer to him, sliding her arm around his shoulders and pulling him to herself. Riku took the opportunity to cling to her around her midsection and bury his face in her breasts as another sob escaped him. Zack wheeled around and parked himself next to them, rubbing Riku's back with an unhappy scowl. 9x8b didn't know what to say.

 _Back from where?_ He thought. Zack and Tifa seemed to know what was going on, and he really wished they would clue him in before he had to say anything. He busied himself with sucking down the rest of his eggs as Riku continued his fit. It lasted another ten minutes, the rest of the cafeteria patrons having gone back to their conversations and ignoring them. Riku sat back sniffling and trying to catch his breath while wiping his eyes and nose.

"Want to talk about it?" Tifa asked. Riku sniffed loudly again, shaking his head.

"There's nothing to talk about. Stasis killed her. I have to start over," he said blandly. 9x8b blinked confusedly at him. Zack mumbled an angry ' _well shit_ ' under his breath with a sigh. Tifa gaped at Riku.

"What can I do to help?" she asked hurriedly. Riku shrugged, his chin quivering and his breath shaking.

"Nothing," he whispered sadly, eyes welling up again. "Ansem says I can stay here for the rest of the week but I have to move back to the male building afterward. Unless I pick out another female Charge before then…" he trailed, sniffling again. Tifa scowled.

"That's terrible, expecting you to move on so quickly," she grumbled with an angry huff. Riku shrugged again.

"I doubt I'll go back to Plane 001. I can find another one with a longer timeline or something somewhere else, to give myself a chance to get over it, I guess."

"Don't push yourself. And don't base your decision on staying here, either. It's not like you can't just walk across the field to come and visit," Tifa chided.

"Have you considered Plane 087?" Zack asked. Riku shrugged.

"I have, but those timelines are so disjointed and I'd only have a few years to prepare. I'm not ready to go that quickly…"

"Well yeah, but I was thinking when you _were_ ready, you could get going quickly."

 _Quickly?_ 9x8b thought to himself.

"I don't know, I just… I'm so out of it," Riku sighed and sniffled again, wiping stray tears from his face. Zack patted his shoulder.

"That's expected. No one blames you," he said. Riku nodded and looked to 9x8b with a wobbly smile.

"Hi. Sorry. This probably isn't the best first impression. I'm Riku."

"Hello," 9x8b said quietly, afraid to say much else.

"He doesn't have a name yet," Tifa interjected. Riku nodded.

"Those take time," he said, pulling his tray back to himself and picking at his food. Tifa returned to her meal as well, looking depressed. It took her all of forty-five seconds to come up with a smile, as she deliberately changed the topic to something more cheerful.

"Speaking of names. Have you thought of one?" she asked. 9x8b shook his head.

"How about Carl?" Zack offered, wheeling himself back to his place at the table. Tifa wrinkled her nose and shook her head.

"No."

"Alfred?"

"Ick."

"Paul."

"No."

"Ignatius," he blurted with a snort. Tifa gave him a disgruntled face.

"I fear for our future children," she said.

"Oh come on, my uncle's middle name was Ignatius. It's not that bad."

"I pity your uncle then."

"How about Martin?"

"No…it doesn't fit his face," she said, looking 9x8b over with a scrutinizing eye.

"Leonard?" the Charge offered. Tifa tapped her chin thoughtfully.

"No, but Leon could work. Leo… lion… it sort of makes sense. How about it?" she said, looking to 9x8b for input. The Carrier shrugged. Zack smiled.

"I like it," he agreed.

"I don't have much of a preference," 9x8b said.

"Good because that's what I'm going to call you," Zack said with a matter-of-fact tone. Leon nodded distractedly. He wasn't paying much attention to the pair's banter; he was still thinking about Riku's story and wondering just how quickly he could get started if he chose a Charge from Plane 087.

* * *

"Riku's Charge was female, right?" Leon questioned the next day, sitting in Tifa and Zack's lab, browsing the Catalogue and searching for colors for his hair and eyes. Tifa was hooked up to a silicone tube leading down to a bag. She squeezed a little ball in her hand, helping the blood flow down the tube to fill said bag. She looked bored.

"Yes," she answered, giving the ball another squeeze.

"Why does that matter?" he asked.

"In what context? For the project or how she died?"

"How she died."

"Oh. Human women who cross over have a hard time adjusting to our environment through stasis. The amount of estrogen they have sometimes keeps certain chemicals from being absorbed. The stasis liquid has to stay stable in order for it to be safe so if they absorb some stuff but leave an excess of the other stuff, that throws it off and then the stasis turns toxic. It's a very fine line between stable and unstable and it happens so quickly that it's very difficult to prevent," she explained. There was a beep as the machine the bag of blood was hanging from decided that the bag was full. Zack wheeled over and unhooked her before taking the bag and going to set it in a storage cylinder.

"So I should just eliminate the negative odds and just choose a male," Leon concluded, mostly to himself.

"Well, it's never a sure thing. The women here have no problem with stasis but they're just using it to extend their lives, not adjust to a new environment. The stasis the public uses is different from what we have here, but every Charge has to do it, and everyone has _some_ estrogen in them so there's always a risk. But yes, it is a substantially smaller percentage as far as mortality goes when there are men involved."

"Right, so I should choose a male," Leon repeated.

"You choose whoever you think is right. Don't rush," Tifa said, pressing an adhesive bandage over the little dot the needle left in her arm. The other Carrier browsed his options thoughtfully for another few minutes as the pair behind him got to work again.

"Tell me about Plane 087," he said finally, causing Tifa and Zack to stop what they were doing and exchange a concerned look with one another.

"I know where this is going," Tifa sighed. Zack seemed more interested and wheeled himself away from the Extractor over to Leon's side.

"It's where I'm from," he said. Leon looked to him, not having much to say. He was intrigued though. "Not many Carriers go there because it's pretty hostile. But, the tradeoff is that a lot of them can leave in less than ten years to go find their Charges."

"Hostile?" Leon asked. Zack took a minute to think.

"Probably around eighty percent of the world is at war, and it has been for hundreds of years. And I mean the active combat-people-dying-every-day war. Not the tensions-are-high-but-we're-tired-of-fighting kind of war. It's pretty rough if you happen to get caught in it."

"Were you caught in it?"

"The military tried to draft me. They got so far as to get me into basic training before I basically told them to 'fuck off' and uprooted my life and ran to neutral territory. Then I drank myself silly. And… now I'm here. There's a lot more to it than that actually, but those were the main events. Sort of a cowardly story, really, but I'm happier for it."

"You did what you felt was right, Zack. Don't downplay what it was," Tifa chided from across the room. Zack shrugged and rolled his eyes with a lopsided smile.

"Why would Riku get to start sooner if he went there?" Leon persisted, which is what he was really after.

"Well, it has to do with the timeline. Other planes that the Technicians watch follow our plane in a pretty consistent line. Parallel, sometimes veering off a little bit but they're pretty much always where we can see and monitor them," Zack explained, holding his hands sideways and close together to illustrate his point. "Plane 087 is different. Its path is like a giant zigzag. It bends in and out of our plane at fairly regular intervals and it's only at those intersections that the Technicians can get in there and work on finding out about the world and all the stuff they do. Consequently, they can only send Carriers over there when that doorway is open and the Carriers can't come back for regular checkups like ones that go to Plane 001 do. If you chose a Charge from there you could very well be there for several years before they're born, unlike normally where you're sent in only a few days before. But the doorway opens every six years or so. So when you choose a Charge from there, you have until the next opening to get ready to leave, which in a lot of cases, is significantly quicker than other planes."

"The environment there is so hostile, and the war so violent that the planet is slowly dying, Leon. One of the sides is winning, and consequently, their lifestyle is literally sucking the life out of everything in their path. The Technicians aren't going to send any more Carriers over there in the next fifty years or so. They honestly think that that plane isn't going to survive for another seventy-five. _If_ everyone there is lucky," Tifa said with an air of sadness to her voice. She finished what she was doing before going to his side and giving him serious eyes. "If you're really considering going there, you need to be prepared for the worst. A good portion of the population is military. Your Charge could die before you get anywhere with them. Because the Technicians can only get in and stay for a limited time, they have minimal information for Charge candidates. Names, a face, and sometimes an age are really all the facts you can get in some cases. We don't know when a lot of them are going to die or if they're really the kind of people fit to be here."

"The benefit of that though, is that anyone is game in the Technician's eyes. In the near future, the planet will die. There isn't any doubt about that, even if we don't know exactly when, so they're signing up anyone to be a Charge that they can see. You could get some homeless guy that's meaningless and has never been educated or you can get one of the most brilliant scientists they have, you just don't know, but the possibilities are there that you'd get someone great," Zack said.

"It's difficult. Their animals are different than ours, their lifestyles, and their languages are nothing like what we have here. There are a lot of similarities, but not enough to forgo extensive study. A telephone is still a telephone but the energy it uses to run is different. I was fortunate enough to stay out of the military while I was there, but some of the things that those soldiers can do is… it's physically impossible here. I can't even describe it," Tifa said. "Their atmosphere is the same, you can breathe the air and walk under the sun normally, but the stuff under the surface, the stuff that makes the planet is vastly different."

"So…it's different. And hostile. But I can get started sooner?" Leon asked. Zack and Tifa exchanged a look with one another before looking back to the other Carrier. Leon affixed them with a look of pure determination. "If that plane isn't going to be accessible in the next fifty years, then I better seize the opportunity while it's still around. No use wasting time just because things may get difficult. I can study and learn what I need to."

"It isn't that cut and dry," Tifa insisted. Leon was done hearing her trying to stop him though, already formulating plans in his head. To illustrate his point he picked a neutral russet brown color for his hair and quickly picked a reasonable grayish-blue for his eyes. Seemed normal enough. He switched to the style Catalogue and picked the first one that caught his eye, taking a cue from Zack on what _not_ to do with his hair. It was short, wispy and didn't fall past his chin. Nothing stuck up at weird angles and nothing poked out and looked like antennae. He could tuck it behind his ears and out of his face, which was enough for him. Once he confirmed his choices, his body went to work, pulling the excess hair back into itself until it was the appropriate length.

"So how do I figure out my choices?" Leon asked blandly, poking at the keyboard. Tifa let out an irritated huff.

"You aren't listening, it's ver—"

"I heard you. I could die. I could fail and my Charge can die. And I have very little time to prepare. But you know what? I feel it's the same thing if I were to sit here for years and years without any progress as the lack of any of my kind to talk to eats away at me. I _need_ something _quickly_."

"You're overreacting. Everyone starts like this and you can't expe—"

"Don't tell me what I can and cannot do! I was told I have the opportunity to start and run the project the way I want to and this is what I want! If you won't help me, then I can't stay here. It's a waste of time," Leon barked, his brows creasing into a glare at the woman. Tifa stared at him defiantly for a few minutes, refusing to help him in his recklessness. Eventually, Leon huffed angrily and exited out of the Catalogue before disconnecting himself and standing. He stomped towards the doors.

"Where are you going?" Tifa asked, a bit surprised.

"To do things myself," the other Carrier spat over his shoulder before leaving them. Zack sighed a bit and looked to Tifa.

"He's right you know," he said. Her jaw dropped.

"You can't be serious. If he just jumps into this without even thinking, he'll be killed."

"But he has the right to do things as he likes. How long did you wait until you picked me?" he asked.

"A year," she said. Zack shrugged.

"If you had been by yourself, how long do you think you would've waited?"

"…I don't know."

"Right. Whatever Charge he picks, he won't be leaving tomorrow to go find. He'll have time to learn everything, and even if he doesn't learn it all here, he has the time while his Charge grows up to finish his studies."

"Why are you supporting him? Don't you understand the risk?" Tifa insisted.

"I do understand the risk, but wouldn't you risk everything to find me again if you had to?" Zack asked. Tifa stared at him, wordless for several minutes.

"That's not even fair," she said. He shrugged.

"It's not fair of us to discourage him, either."

"But he isn't even considering other options."

"How do we know that? He only asked about Plane 087, what if he got pissed and left before he asked about the others?"

"Zack…" Tifa sighed sadly.

"Tifa, listen to me," he said, turning his chair around to face her properly. She gave him a hopeless expression. "My home is dying. My friends and my family might even live long enough to see the end of it. If there are Carriers that are willing to go the extra mile to bring people over here, to save their lives, to live out the rest of their days in _peace_ and with a _purpose_ , then I don't think we should deny anyone that opportunity. I'm happier here. Hell, I'm even more healthier here, and I was even before the transplant, and I get to wake up without the fear of someone finding me and trying to drag me back into the military to fight a pointless war that's going to destroy everything I ever loved. I want other people to have that. I'm not going to make Leon feel guilty or selfish for doing me that favor."

"Zack, for all we know, he could be the only Carrier the Technicians have for his Totem. We don't know if they have enough DNA to make another one. If he dies, that's the end of it. There is no second chance here. We don't have a backup pl—"

"Take some of his blood," Zack interjected.

"What?"

"Take some of his blood," he repeated. "If it's really that much of a concern, then just clone him if he dies. There is _always_ a backup plan. Carriers can be recreated. Entire planets can't."

"We're trying to recreate this one," Tifa insisted.

"Yeah but you have some of your world to work with. If I understand what that stupid war was about, then by the end of it, there will be _nothing_ left to build from. Half the damn planet is already a wasteland, you know that. The difference between your war and my war is that yours stopped. People stopped and said 'oh fuck, we sort of really screwed up, let's work together to fix it.'"

"How do you know yours won't be the same?"

"Because it's been going on for hundreds of years! If it hasn't stopped by now, why would it stop any time soon?" Zack asked, rubbing his brows with a shaky sigh. "I'm done talking about it. I'm getting upset and I don't want to say things I don't really mean. You can stay here if you want, but I'm going to help Leon," he said and wheeled himself away. Tifa stood in her place, irritated beyond anything she had ever felt before. She watched him leave with a deep frown before giving a frustrated huff and kicking a nearby exam table.

* * *

Leon really wanted to find the architect that designed the facility buildings and kick him in the shin. Or her. He'd kick a woman in the shin if it meant he could knock some sense into her for her horribly flawed layout plan. He was lost and extremely frustrated. He wandered the halls, hoping someone would stop him and ask if he needed directions so he wouldn't have to openly admit just how lost he really was. He tried to piece together the few places he had been and link those together with the front entrance he had come through on his first day. It was difficult, and he was getting nowhere fast. He eventually found and exit, but it wasn't where he thought it would lead. He had found the facility's obstacle course, and on it, was a snow leopard.

There wasn't anyone out there with the cat and Leon halfway expect there to at least be a Charge hanging around. It took him a minute to piece together who the snow leopard really was and he had the sudden urge to leave. He really didn't want to be around Riku and think about dead Charges and other discouraging things. He had had enough negativity for the day. But, the cat looked absolutely shattered. Riku was lying on his stomach, as flat as he could make himself, with his head between his front paws and was just _staring_ ahead of himself. Leon's guilt was more than his desire to leave and he padded across the grass to the other Carrier, not really sure what he was going to do.

The rock Riku was on was just about level with Leon's forehead in terms of height. The cat only noticed him once he stood on his tiptoes to peek over the edge at him. Aqua eyes stared at him listlessly without lifting the head they were attached to. Leon scowled and went to the side to climb the rocks next to the one the cat was on. He sat next to Riku quietly, still not really sure what he was doing. Riku heaved a sigh and stayed in place. The other Carrier thought about it for a few minutes before reaching out to touch the cat's fur. He combed his fingers through the fluff for a minute before Riku grew somewhat receptive and scooted closer to him. Then a bit closer. And a bit closer still. Then a bit closer, until he was leaning against Leon's leg and letting the other Carrier scratch him behind his ears.

It was around that time that Leon realized that Riku was by himself. Completely by himself. He hadn't heard mention of any siblings or natural offspring belonging to Riku's Totem and the loss of his Charge really meant that he had nothing, just like Leon. Riku could understand his feelings. Even though he wasn't saying anything, Leon could tell the other Carrier knew what he was feeling. Neither of them were exuding any sort of happy or energetic vibes and the mood between them was crestfallen, if content. Riku eventually scooted so close to Leon's petting that half of his body had been draped over the other's lap, sucking up as much comfort as he could.

"I'm scared…" Leon trailed after several quiet minutes of sitting together. Riku turned his face just enough to look up at him. Leon was staring down blankly at the rock's surface, his mind wandering and trying to imagine what difficulties would befall him in the near future. He really had listened to Tifa, and considered everything she had said. Was the risk really worth it?

Taking that as a cue, Riku pulled himself up off the rock and dropped over the side to change back. Within minutes he was sitting next to Leon, dressed and ready to talk. They sat quietly together for what seemed like hours before either of them could think of anything to say. Riku cleared his throat a bit, trying to pull the words together without upsetting himself.

"It is scary. You put so much effort and time into preparing yourself for a lifetime with one person, but it's not a definite thing. We study for years to integrate ourselves into their lives and when they reject you at first, it's heartbreaking, never mind if they end up dying at some point. If that happens then it's…devastating. All that time, all that love, for nothing," Riku said with a deep sigh.

"I was considering Plane 087," Leon said. Riku looked to him.

"Then it's even more difficult. Frightening. I just came back from Plane 001 and that one is the most like ours. I couldn't imagine putting in so much work for a place that's mostly different. If you can get all the work done, then I'd be very impressed."

"Why do you say that? Is it really that difficult?"

"Well, yes, the studying is hard, but you'd have the time while your Charge grows up in order to learn it all and get used to it. But, you have to learn the stuff for this plane first before you can even think about branching out. I checked my new options and, if I was to pick someone from there, the next opening for me to leave would be in four years. Then it's another two years of sitting around before my Charge is born then I have to wait for them to grow up. But, to learn _everything_ in four years before you can leave is a big deal," Riku said.

"Is four years really that short? How much do I really need to learn?"

"Everything. And yes, it's a short period. Not impossible, but it's difficult. It took me six years to get everything down with any sort of marginal efficiency. But…I guess it doesn't matter now. I have even more time to learn it all until it's second nature."

 _You're really depressing_ , Leon thought as an uncomfortable silence fell between them. He quickly thought of something else to talk about. "So… okay, I don't understand how we can tell when people are going to be born in other planes when somewhere like Plane 087 only intersects our timeline with their present one. Like, don't we see what's happening right at that time when their plane meets ours? How do we know what happened before that?"

"Have you ever heard of the string theory?" Riku asked. Leon shrugged and shook his head. "In basic terms, it's the theory that every living thing has a string attached to them that represents their lifecycle and energy signature. The Technicians work on the idea that everyone's string follows a predetermined path, that regardless of a person's choices in life, they will end up at a specific point no matter what happens. That's when we die. Everyone does at some point so I guess the theory holds some merit, but it's different for Carriers and Charges.

When the Technicians go to find Charge candidates from other planes that are way out there, such as Plane 087, they're actually following the future tense of a person's string. If we think of the plane itself like a rope, and all the people in that rope are the strings, we can say that the strings fray out of the rope in an infinite amount of directions. Those strings hit our plane before the rope itself does, and the Technicians can say that based on someone's string, that this is what's going to happen. That this person's string is what this person is going to be like, and they can assess how useful someone will be without actually having to meet them face to face.

Now, for places like Plane 001, which is so close to ours it's practically on top of us, it doesn't matter. The Technicians can jump between that plane and ours to get information because there is almost no space between them. It is so similar to ours that we find copies of people from our past in their present so we have some of the information already just from the documentation of our home. They've even gotten comfortable with saying that Plane 001 is basically our plane from before the Great War. How long before the war? I have no idea, but the principle is still there.

Generally we get strings from Plane 087 about twenty years before the person is born. We learn basic information about them, and follow the string until we feel they will be relevant or useful to us. Then they're entered into the system as Charge candidates and Carriers can pick them. But, that usually happens so close to the time the person is actually born that the Carrier has little time to prepare to leave and that can cause problems. The time to pick them is very short and once that opportunity is missed, they are tossed for good. Whereas people from Plane 001 stay in the system for a while because we know who they are way ahead of time.

But, because Plane 087 only runs into ours every six years or so, the timing is off. Someone who's chosen to be a Charge candidate when they're fifteen needs to have their Carrier leave at least three years before they're born, because the intersection won't happen again until it's too late. We have to make up for the odd numbers by leaving beforehand in years that fall in the multiples of six. Consequently, we also have to stay there until we meet another multiple of six when the intersection happens again. It's like… trying to catch the bus. You get to the stop before it shows up, and have to stay on longer for all the other people's stops before you can get off again.

The string theory extends to just about everything we do between the planes. When Charges leave their homes to come here, they're wiped from every memory and their existence ceases to be. That's because we're taking their string and adding it to our rope, our plane, on a permanent basis. Whereas, we can jump in and out and people will remember us because it's just our string weaving in and out of their rope, the base of which is still attached to this plane so it's not going anywhere. The Charge's base is uprooted and planted here. Does all of that make sense?" Riku asked.

"I think so," Leon said, scrunching his brows together thoughtfully. He really didn't care about the logistics of what the Technicians do, but at least Riku wasn't moping anymore. His new companion was extremely intelligent, or at least extremely versed in all the things he himself would have to learn, and he decided that keeping Riku close by would be an asset. At least his knowledge was useful and he could understand Leon's predicament and feelings well enough. Unlike Tifa, who knew things, but couldn't relate. "How do you know all of this? Do I need to know it all too?"

"No, I just found an interest in what the Technicians do early on in my studies. Not a lot of people come to me for information even though I know more than most do. Now that I think about it, maybe I would've been done studying in less than six years if I hadn't gotten sidetracked by the extra stuff."

"Probably," another voice interjected from several feet away. The Carriers looked towards the door where Zack was wheeling himself across the grass to them, he had to stop at the edge of the obstacle course as there was a rise in the terrain preventing his wheels from going any farther. "I was looking for you," he said with a small smile.

"Me?" Riku asked.

"No, Leon."

"Oh," the russet Carrier said. "What did you need?"

"Nothing in particular, just wanted to offer my help since Tifa doesn't seem to want to do it. I think you should make your own choice on where you want to go. I'm not going to argue with you," Zack said.

"So…you'll help me study?" Leon asked.

"When I can, sure. Did you already pick one?"

"No, not yet. Got sidetracked."

"Ah. Well, I'll spare whatever free time I have to teach you what I can remember. You have two languages to learn and an entire animal kingdom that's nothing like ours, not to mention geography and politics. Better get started as soon as possible."

"…What about the stuff for here?" Leon asked confusedly.

"Right, that stuff too. Get a move on."

* * *

"Thanks for your help," Riku sighed as he set the last box on his new bed. Leon shrugged.

"You didn't exactly have that much to move," he said.

"I know, but I appreciate it anyway. It's one less trip I have to make," the other said. Again, Leon shrugged his indifference. He had helped Riku move his things from the female side of the facility to the male side in less than an hour, and really, most of that time was spent walking. Riku didn't have much. Leon himself had absolutely nothing except what he was given. His own room was barren aside from the furniture and he couldn't deny that he would miss having a warm body to sleep next to. Or rather, two of them. It made finding a Charge seem so much more important. The quality of his sleep would change, he was sure.

 _I don't want to be alone,_ was all he could think.

"I can help you with your studies in the morning if you like. For the stuff here anyway, you know. I've never been to Plane 087 before," Riku offered.

"I would like that. I plan on picking a Charge in the morning, too."

"Did you want me there for that? Do you know where to go in the Catalogue?"

"I think I can handle it," Leon said. Riku nodded and a comfortable silence fell between them as he started unpacking. Leon invited himself to help him and he started putting clothing away and pulling out Riku's few extraneous items and arranging them on the armoire. He went back to the box he was working on and pulled out a small statuette of what looked to be a snow leopard descending from a rock outcropping. The material was white with variations in tint and shade and felt velvety and smooth under his fingertips. The miniature cat's anatomy wasn't exact and the features weren't as precise as Leon thought they should be. Riku hesitated when he realized the other Carrier had the figure and Leon noticed that his companion was just _staring_ at him. When they made eye contact, Riku went to him and took the statuette gently from him and went to set it on top of his armoire with his other things.

"It's ivory," the snowy Carrier said quietly. "It was the only thing I could think to take with me when I crossed back over from Plane 001. My…" he cleared his throat, keeping his back to Leon to keep his composure. "My Charge… her name was Ai. Her family carved little figures like this out of all sorts of stuff. Wood, stone, jade, whatever they were asked to, really. She… she made this for me," he said, looking up to the figure with glistening eyes. He laughed dryly. "She made it based on my description. She had never seen a snow leopard before. I think it's pretty good for not having a reference."

"She didn't know what you were before crossing over?" Leon asked. Riku looked to him, wiping his eyes. He shook his head.

"No. Most Charges don't, or so I hear. I was in a time period that… if I let the knowledge of the technology we have out, it would seriously screw up the timeline, so I had to keep it all to myself. She followed me, trusting me to take care of her because she was really scared," he said shakily, chin quivering a bit. Leon shifted his weight from one foot to another uncomfortably, unsure of what to say. Riku cleared his throat and forced himself to stand straighter and look at the other Carrier with a bit of confidence in his face. "Do me a favor?" he asked.

"What's that?" Leon asked in return.

"Don't lie to your Charge like I did to mine."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Getting started was quickly becoming the most difficult thing Leon could imagine. The morning after moving into his new room in the male side of the facility, he was visited by a Technician who pushed a box into his arms and left him without so much as an explanation. Inside the box was a shiny new tablet, an earpiece, another smaller box, and a memory card. The card plugged into the tablet, and loaded the device with all the templates and forms his future Charge would need in order to take care of him. He took several minutes flipping through the applications on the tablet, his mind fogging over a bit as the reality of starting came to him. He began second guessing himself a bit, unsure if hurrying to get going was really the best idea.

Then he mentally kicked himself. What was the difference if he started then or two years from then? Nothing. He could read more books, he supposed, but that wasn't something he thought he would do outside of what was required of him. If he really needed to have more study time, he could do it after his Charge was with him. The curriculum wouldn't change much. No, waiting around was illogical. He flicked the tablet off and dug through the box. There was a slip of paper at the bottom that had all his information so far; his Totem, his model number, all of his initial statistics like weight and height, his room number, and his lab assignment. Too bad the Technicians didn't care enough to give him a map to tell him where the damn place was, but he figured he'd find it if he wandered around long enough. As it turns out, he didn't have to wander for very long because when he opened his door to leave, Riku was there, his hand up and ready to knock.

"God, don't scare me like that," Riku sighed, putting his hand to his chest.

"I could say the same thing to you. Why are you here?" Leon asked impatiently.

"Well, I came to help you. Like I said I would. Did you want to get breakfast first?"

"I was actually going to try and find my lab."

"Oh, what number?" Riku asked. Leon handed him the paper and the snowy Carrier nodded. "It's just down the hall and around the corner from mine, actually. Come on," he said and waved for the other to follow him. It took them less than four minutes to find the lab, which Leon felt a little embarrassed to admit that it would've taken him at least an hour by himself. It was like every other lab that ever existed at the facility. Bland, sterile, mostly white save for the machines he would need to learn his way around. The closet and cabinets were fully stocked with fresh supplies and everything was dust and fingerprint free. Leon felt like a trespasser in his own space.

"So…what now? Breakfast?" he asked as he set the box on the nearest open space that wasn't the floor. Riku shrugged as he crossed the room and headed back to the storage closet. He dug around inside for a few minutes before returning with armfuls of books and plopping them on the exam table.

"Well, breakfast would be the ideal start to the day, but I don't intend on leaving you alone afterward, so I may as well stick around until you decide," Riku said.

 _Thank you_. _I don't want to be alone,_ Leon thought. "Breakfast is good," he said. Riku nodded and headed for the doors, the other following close behind.

* * *

"Okay, I'm lost," Leon blurted, poking at the Catalogue's keyboard. "All of these Charges are from Plane 001. What about the rest of them? And where are the males?" he asked confusedly.

"Go in and set your preferences, it's way over in the far—no," Riku said with a tiny sigh as the other Carrier floundered about stupidly with the buttons. He swatted Leon's hands away from the controls and brought him back to where he started before pointing at the screen. "See? Preferences, and then you can go in there and pick your parameters. At that point, it's self explanatory," he said and went to retake his seat at the exam table. Leon sighed impatiently in spite of himself, slouching in his seat and glaring at the screen.

As soon as he had started his search, his heart sunk. Twenty, forty, fifty, eighty years were just a few of the wait times he was given for his choices. Almost all of them were women, and hardly any of them seemed worth the wait. He couldn't sit around for twenty years, or even ten years. He would leave tomorrow if he could, but then he realized he was looking in the wrong place, and that's where he confused himself. He skimmed the preferences window, clicking the dots next to his criteria. Really, all he had to do was choose a plane from the list and his gender preference. He was a bit surprised to see so many planes, ones he hadn't even heard of in the list. Almost all of them except for Plane 087 and Plane 001 weren't able to be selected though. He didn't have any other candidates from anywhere else, and the ones he did have from other planes were all women and the option to select them disappeared once he clicked the 'male' tab.

It was a bit disheartening to think that the majority of Charge candidates were women. He couldn't decide if that was because the risk of death was so much more with them that everyone snatched up the men or if there were just that many more competent women. Regardless of the reasons behind it, Leon's options dropped from about ninety candidates to twelve when he decided against a woman. He was surprised. Plane 001's options weren't all that much better. He lost another seventy-five options there are well. He sighed and decided to just stick with his original plan and flipped back to Plane 087.

"Soldier, soldier, soldier, oh look, a General," Leon said, rambling off his candidate's occupations.

"Which is just a nicer way of saying 'this guy killed more guys than that other guy so he has a fancier word to his name, but he's still a soldier,'" Riku said, flipping the page of one of Leon's books he was occupying himself with.

"They're _all_ soldiers, except for the ones who have no occupation listed but I'm willing to bet they're all soldiers too," the russet Carrier snorted.

"Which, depending on how you look at it, may or may not be a bad thing."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, soldiers take direction, listen, and are flexible enough to adapt to their environments. In theory anyway. Just because they got sucked into a war doesn't mean none of them are intelligent, so I wouldn't discount them based solely on their titles. For all we know that General could've had sex with his superior's daughter and got a higher rank that way," Riku said.

"I suppose," Leon agreed with a shrug. He took each profile one at a time, looking over what miniscule amount of information he had on each one. He was unimpressed. So, he started paying attention to appearances. He flicked each picture by, leaning in close to squint at them, taking note of the eyes. "All but two of them have the same eyes. Same color," he said. Riku raised a brow and went to look over his shoulder. Leon flipped through them again so his friend could see.

"They all have Zack's eyes," Riku said. Leon nodded.

"And apparently they all decided that it was absolutely fantastic to have enormous cowlicks, good god," he said, taking note on the odd physics some of the hair styles seemed to have. "And the _colors_ , augh," he snuffed.

"Hey, silver hair is sexy, okay?" Riku said, flicking his hair over his shoulder. Leon laughed.

"Right, okay, whatever you say. I'll take your word on that one."

"Well if you're _that_ concerned about hair then your General is already out the window. He's got huge cowlicks _and_ silver hair. Talk about a kick in the balls."

"I really wonder if any of that is genetic. I'd fear for our children."

"Which children?"

"Any of them."

"Well it wouldn't matter for the Carriers. Human children…maybe," Riku shrugged and went back to his seat.

"All joking aside, it's almost impossible to pick based on what they give me here. I'd be better off flipping a coin."

"Well, you have other options. You can go to Plane 001."

"I'm not waiting around for twenty years."

"Well, then you might actually have to flip a coin."

"Maybe not…" Leon said curiously, paying attention to the numbers again. "See, for the General I'd have to wait until he's twenty-five to make contact. The lowest age I can get away with otherwise is…" he trailed, flipping through the profiles, "seventeen."

"Oh really? And what's this seventeen-something's occupation?"

"It doesn't say."

"Got a name?"

"Uh…" Leon drawled, scrolling up, "oh that poor kid, what terrible parent names their kid 'Cloud?'"

"Nice one," Riku snorted. "He look okay?"

"…I feel I should take an axe to that hair."

"Well, it's either you deal with a terrible name and hair, or wait the extra eight years for someone who has equally as terrible hair, but no name, and a better occupation. How close is the General's birth compared to the leave time?"

"I'd make it there just in time for him, apparently."

"Oh, well that might not be too bad then. Either way, you're leaving in four years. You can have a few extra years while you're there to study more while you wait for—" Riku had to stop himself as he started to laugh a bit, "for Cloud or you can go and start watching right away for the General."

"…Maybe I should ask Zack's opinion."

"You could. What opinion would he give?"

"He might know how easy it is to get a General's attention, versus someone who, for all we know, could be a librarian or something," Leon said. Riku thought about it and nodded with a light shrug.

"That's a good point. There's no guarantee you'd be able to convince a General to follow you. He might be living the high life. He'd have nothing like that here."

"I really wish the profiles were more complete," Leon grumbled as he exited out of the Catalogue and unhooked himself. There was so much empty space for personality information, education, family history, medical information, and even just the basic personal things such as how tall they are or how much they weigh. It all seemed so…barren.

"It's the price you pay for starting sooner than most, I'm afraid. There is a reason why a lot of Carriers avoid that plane."

"So I see," Leon said, standing and stretching some. "I'll go find Zack," he added as he headed out into the hallway. His lab was very close to the exit for the pool area and he could figure out which way to go once he was outside. But, he didn't have to, because once he stepped out of the lab he happened to glance in the other direction and saw Tifa and Zack already at the far end of the hall coming toward him. The uncanny ability of his companions being able to find him before he even knew he wanted to find them was unsettling. But, it saved him walking time. "I was just coming to find you," he said when they drew closer. He held the door open for them both and they went inside.

"I came to apologize," Tifa said before anyone had the chance to say anything else. Leon looked at her quizzically. "I shouldn't have discouraged you so much the other day. But, now that I've said that, I'm leaving. I will not help you kill yourself," she said haughtily and promptly exited. Zack sighed.

"Sorry, she only apologized because I made her. She wants to mother you," he said, wheeling himself over to where Riku was sitting. Leon scowled.

"If she wanted to be my mother, she should've given birth to me," he said grumpily. Zack nodded.

"I agree. I would feel differently if you were one of her siblings, but she obviously doesn't understand that."

"Right," Leon agreed and went to reconnect to the Catalogue. "Anyway, I had questions."

"I assumed as much," Zack chuckled, wheeling over to his side. Riku kept to himself, listening carefully. Leon quickly brought up his Charge candidates again and flipped through them. Zack's expression softened, seeing the names, the faces, the familiar eyes, though the Carrier didn't notice.

"I can make contact quicker with this one," Leon said, bringing up Cloud's profile. "But this other one has better information, as far as I can tell."

"Oh shit, a General? Really?" Zack asked, mostly to himself, in disbelief.

"Right, well, I wanted an opinion."

"On whom you should choose?"

"Yes."

"The younger one."

"…Well that was quick."

"You'd have to join the military yourself in order to get anywhere near the General. That's practically suicide, and I don't think you should fight their war for them," Zack said finitely. "They're both from the same side, but at least with the younger one you have a slim chance of him not being in the military."

"How can you tell they're on the same side?" Leon asked confusedly.

"The eyes," he said, turning his own to the Carrier, giving him direct and intentional eye contact. The blue of his irises seemed almost electric as they stared at one another for several seconds.

"Okay, mind elaborating a little bit?" Leon asked. Zack took a breath and fidgeted a bit.

"There is a particular drug that one side of war uses on its soldiers to keep them going. The drug itself is actually the chemical runoff from that side's power plants."

"You're serious?" Leon asked, giving Zack a look of complete disbelief. The Charge nodded.

"Yeah. It's completely legal and the military uses it like it was air for everyone to breathe. You're drafted and then they force it on you. Then, you're hooked. If you're on it long enough, it changes you. Mostly just pigment mutations, but if you use it _too_ much, then you get geostigma. Which is…yeah, you don't want that. Imagine if gangrene and leprosy had a mutant child together and you'd have geostigma. The short term benefits of it outweigh the long term damage in the government's eyes. But, the military isn't the only place you can get it. It's everywhere. Just take a jar and walk up to the power plant and stick it in the runoff pipe and _bam_ that's all you need. People use it at parties, recreationally, everywhere they can get away with it. It's gotten so prevalent that I would be comfortable with saying at least eighty percent of the population does it."

"You say pigment mutations like…" Riku trailed, Zack looked behind himself and shrugged.

"It turns your hair white and your eyes like a… seafoamy green color. Aqua, sort of. If you get that far in the process, you're dangerously close to getting geostigma. It goes in stages though. The eyes go first, turning blue from whatever color they were before, it doesn't matter what, and then your hair gets lighter and lighter until it's white. The colors have been known to pass on to people's children too, that's how dangerous it is. Babies have been born with geostigma and die in a couple years, if they have light hair and bright blue eyes, they're closer to getting geostigma if they happen to get hooked on the shit, it's just all kinds of awful."

"Is that why you ran?" Leon asked. Zack nodded.

"It's not right. To force that shit on your soldiers so they'd be able to do things they wouldn't normally do. So they can lift something three times their body weight or not feel remorse for killing a bunch of school children. So they don't feel pain when they're hit and keep fighting until they can't move anymore, acting like robots instead of people. The worst part is, whatever they do while on the drug is written off as okay. It's debatable on whether or not the person will remember what they did, but they still have that blood on their hands, even if the government won't punish them for murdering thousands of people who aren't even their enemies. All they care about are the results."

 _That sounds familiar_ , Leon thought.

"Are you sure you want to go through with this?" Riku asked, looking to the other Carrier with a serious expression. "That General is too far gone down this… drug path, apparently. I would toss him out, and the younger one already has the eyes."

"And so does Zack, he seems fine," Leon said. Riku sighed and rolled his eyes. "Almost all of my choices have the eyes. And if it's only the first stage, then it could just be beginning and repairable once he crosses over. What other side effects are there aside from the geostigma?"

"Muscle damage, heart damage, mental instability, possibly even irreparable brain damage, and that's if they're just sitting there doing nothing; if they're up and working or fighting or whatever else, the muscle damage is a definite at the very least. Just going through basic training fucked me up and I was only in there for a couple months. Once I was out, the withdrawal lasted _weeks_ and even now, I'm _still_ not up to where I was before I was on it. I can't run as fast or lift as much as I used to, I can't…" he hesitated a bit, laughing to himself, "I can't even be on top of Tifa when we have sex for an extended period of time without feeling like the life was sucked out of me, as sad as that sounds. I'm in this damn chair because my surgery smacked me around a good one and I just feel so _weak_ all the damn time. I don't know, maybe another ten years of working out and rebuilding myself will help, but right now, I'm far from what I used to be."

"Just from a couple months of being on it?" Riku asked. Zack nodded.

"A couple months of getting another dose every two hours, yeah. That's way more than the average person on the street does, but like I said, the military treats it like air. They think its okay because, well, ninety percent of the soldiers die before they can get the geostigma anyway, and if they weren't using it, it would just be toxic waste the government would have to find a way to dispose of otherwise. This way, everything is used, there isn't any waste and it's a cheap way to fuel a military that is whipping everyone else's asses and winning the war for them."

 _Maybe this is too much,_ Leon thought.

"Well…" Riku trailed, coming to stand with them at the Catalogue, "sorry to get personal but are you… functional? Everything works okay?"

"Hmm? Oh. Yeah, Zack Junior is okay. He works just fine and my little swimmers are healthy as far as we can tell. It's just a bit more difficult to get them out of me because I get so tired it's almost not even worth it because then I need to sleep for three hours afterward. God forbid we do anything before we're ready for bed, I'd never get anything done during the day."

"Then it's not a total loss," Riku said, looking to the other Carrier. "The worst case scenario would be, you bring him over, and then you have to supplement your project with his blood instead of his sperm until he gets his strength back."

"I'm really not trying to discourage you, but I'm being realistic. The environment is hostile, I can't express that enough, but it's not hopeless. For all we know, this… whatever his name is…"

"Cloud," Leon said.

"Right Cl—" Zack continued before he stopped himself and made a disgruntled face. "Cloud? What the fuck kind of name is 'Cloud?'"

"I have no idea," the Carrier said and rolled his eyes, waving the subject away with a dismissive hand. "If I get really sick of it, I can train him to learn a new one."

"You make it sound like he's a pet," Riku chuckled.

"Almost," Leon agreed.

"Anyway, for all we know he could've been born with those eyes, from a druggie mother or father and won't ever touch the military. It's possible," Zack continued.

"Yeah…" the russet Carrier said, contemplating.

"Well what about the other two that look normal?" Riku asked, leaning over to get at the controls and flip through the candidates again. "Oh, okay," he said once he took in the ages. Leon wouldn't be able to make contact with them until much later than Cloud. One would be in his early fifties and the other would be in his forties. That would be pushing it too close to the edge of a man's decline in sexual potency, not to mention the wait would be excruciating. Plus, it's just _weird_. Leon would still have the appearance of a young twenty-something while the other men would be working on wrinkles even before stasis. Those were the only situations where he really couldn't think much past the appearances. At least Cloud would be young.

"Those two are probably from the other side," Zack said.

"I'm not waiting fifty years to make contact with anyone," Leon huffed, keeping his other objections to himself. "Cloud's fine. He'll do," he added.

"You're sure?" Riku asked, giving him a skeptical look.

"Yes."

"Totally sure? You can't go back."

"Yes, totally sure."

"More information might pop up about him later on as you get closer to leave, the Technicians will keep following his string until you do, and you may not like what you find later," Zack said.

"So far, even though a lot of the stuff you've said is negative I haven't heard anything that is wholly detrimental to my project and isn't repairable. I don't expect any of this to be easy regardless of whom I pick, so what's the difference? I'll figure out a plan. I'm confident," Leon lied. He was feeling far from it, but he didn't see any other options. He did, however, really believe he could fix whatever problems Cloud would give him in the future. Zack watched him with a scrutinizing eye for a few minutes before he nodded.

"I trust you," he said.

"I'm going to confirm it for you, if you're sure," Riku said hesitantly. Leon nodded.

"I'm sure."

* * *

The small box that was inside the bigger box, held things of interest for Leon; a tablet that he wouldn't use and its memory chip accompaniment were hardly things he had to concern himself with. But the littler box contained another box within it. And inside that black and silver ornate box (which was more like a case) were his Charge's watch, and the sensor he would have to shove under his tongue. In addition to those though, was an earring. So far, without a Charge the earring was just referred to as his change code, as it was just the little button that changed him to his Totem. He hadn't had the opportunity to see his Totem yet, and really, all it would take was a click of that button and he could. But without a Charge, if something went wrong, that could be bad.

"Did you want to change?" Riku asked curiously, having noticed Leon's listless staring at the stud.

"Sort of," he admitted.

"I want to see your Totem. Eventually. Whenever you're comfortable."

"Am I allowed to change before I find my Charge?"

"You'll have to. You can't ignore it without harming yourself."

"Oh."

"I'll take care of you, make sure nothing happens if you want to do it now," Riku offered. Leon nodded and Riku closed the book he was flipping through and stood. The russet Carrier followed him outside into the pool area, his change code in hand. "Technically, you're not supposed to stick that thing to yourself before your Charge shows up. It's permanent once you do it, but you can still press it to change. I'll hang onto it for you," Riku said. Leon handed the stud off to him and fidgeted in his place.

"So, what do I do? Just stand here?"

"I would suggest taking your clothes off."

"Oh…"

"Unless you want to strangle yourself, that is."

"Ah, no. That's not on my agenda."

"Then go ahead," Riku said, as if it was completely normal.

"While you're standing here?" Leon asked with a small scowl.

"…You're going to have to get over that. Almost all of the Carriers here have seen each other's Implants in various stages of nudity. Whether it's before they change or going to get their clothes once they change back. Personally, I'm more upset about exposing myself in my Primal than I am my Implant."

"Really?" Leon asked with an amused smile and a bit of a chuckle. "Why?"

"Because my fur is so… fluffy it covers everything and it looks like I'm neutered. It's embarrassing," Riku said quietly, shuffling his foot a bit. Leon had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing outright. "That stays between us, you hear me? I tell the others that I have the opposite problem and I don't like everything hanging out but I really wish it _did_. At least then, I'd be like everyone else."

"Aw, I'm sorry your testicles don't drag on the ground like everyone else's do," Leon teased. Riku glared at him and shoved him towards the pool and its attached rock wall.

"Go back there and get undressed if you're going to be an ass about it. Tell me when you're ready," he grumbled. The russet Carrier laughed to himself and did as he was told. The pool was adjacent to the field and there wasn't anyone in immediate eyesight to gawk at him so he felt reasonably comfortable with undressing. A quick shout to Riku and he could feel it start immediately. The snowy Carrier came around the corner just in time to see Leon fall forward onto all fours. His spine elongated, rippling under his skin and peeling it away in great heaves. His limbs popped and pulled out of place and reset again once the rest of him grew to accommodate. Glistening golden fur poked through his skin, a tail sprouted behind him, and his fingers retracted into enormous paws. Riku was a bit surprised to see how big he was. If Leon wasn't pushing at least six hundred pounds, he'd eat his tail.

"Talk about fluffy," Riku snorted, going to run his fingers through the cat's poofy mane. Leon was exhausted. He hadn't anticipated the effort it took to change and hoped it would get easier with time. He padded away from his clothing and dissolving skin flakes to park himself on the edge of the pool. The waterfall made it impossible to see himself in the water's reflection and he didn't have the energy to go inside and find a mirror. He plopped next to the water and lay his head down, spent.

"Oh wow," Zack said abruptly, pulling both Carrier's attention to the door. Tifa was holding it open for him as he wheeled himself outside. "We were looking for you two."

"I thought you weren't going to help him," Riku said, sending Tifa a very unhappy look.

"I said I wouldn't help him kill himself, not that I wouldn't help him all together," she retorted. Leon didn't even look at them; he just twitched an ear around to listen. Riku ignored the woman and went to sit with him.

"It gets easier the more you do it. After a few times, it won't tire you out so much," he assured, burying his hands in Leon's fluff and scratching at his jaw. The cat closed his eyes, letting himself drift a bit. Tifa and Zack drew closer, the woman taking a seat next to Riku and petting Leon as well. Zack couldn't reach so he sat quietly.

"You look so depressed," Tifa cooed.

"He's tired," Riku clipped.

In truth, Leon had mixed feelings. Yes, he was exhausted, but there was more to it than that. What's a lion without a family? Not a whole lot, he felt. Tifa was right, he was depressed. He was satisfied that he could change and that everything worked properly, but now that he had, there was nothing to do. Except think. Laying around and thinking. Wondering, second guessing, endless thoughts about anything and everything. What was Cloud like? Would he even be able to find him? Was he even homosexual? And if not, how difficult will it be to convince him otherwise? Having zero experience in the romance department didn't help Leon in the least, even if he was only a couple weeks old. He sort of expected himself to have _some_ idea of what to do, but he didn't. He wasn't confident he would learn all that in four years, either. But one thing he did know, was that he was feeling crowded with so many people around him. He pulled himself up and padded away a few feet before plopping down again.

"You've officially been snubbed," Zack snorted. Tifa crossed her arms over her chest and let out a grumpy huff. "You can't win them all," her Charge said and she sent him a nasty glare. To her, Leon was being irrational with not letting himself be helped. All she wanted to do was offer a shoulder to lean on and help take care of him and he wasn't even humoring her. It was insulting. Yet, he let Riku and Zack in just fine.

"I'm starting to think he just doesn't like me because I'm a woman," she said. Zack scowled.

"That's completely stupid, Tifa."

"Well it's true!" she insisted. Leon mentally rolled his eyes at her ineptitude.

"Did you even consider that he might like to keep some of his pride in tact? Take my word for it, not all guys like to be treated like children."

"But you do?" she asked. Zack scowled.

"I _need_ it right now. But no, it's not my ideal way to run a relationship. I'm your lover, not your offspring."

"I know that."

"Leon isn't your offspring either."

"I know that too."

"Then stop treating him like one," he said.

"I'm not," she insisted.

"Yes, you are."

"No."

"Yes."

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are."

"Zack!"

"Tifa," he said calmly with a tiny sigh.

"I'm. Not," she said with a meaningful pause between words for emphasis.

"Then what is it you want from him?"

"To comfort him," she said defiantly.

 _I don't want your comfort. It's temporary_ , Leon thought.

"Well, he obviously doesn't want it so just drop it, okay? If you _really_ need someone to comfort then let's go back to the room and you can squeeze me until I can't breathe anymore," Zack offered. Tifa muttered to herself under her breath and glared at the waterfall. Riku stood and went behind the rocks.

"I'm not used to taking care of someone for a week and then letting them just leave and having them not care anymore," she said quietly. She scooted across the grass to her Charge's side and leaned against his legs, resting her head on his knee. Zack pet her hair some.

"I know. But, it's okay. They all need to leave the nest at some point."

"…You're not helping," she grumped.

"Sorry," he chuckled. "I just think you're overreacting."

 _Damn straight,_ Leon thought.

"I can't help that my feelings are hurt," she sighed.

"Aww…" Zack cooed, petting her some more. Riku came back from around the rocks in his Primal form, which surprised everyone. He padded over to Tifa and abruptly shoved himself in her lap, folding himself up as much as he could so he would fit. He only weighed about eighty pounds so it was relatively easy to do. Tifa smiled and hugged him tight, nuzzling her face into his neck.

"See? Riku humors me," she said happily and cuddled him like a toddler. Zack shrugged and laughed a bit under his breath. He looked over to Leon and noticed the other cat was watching them intently though his head was still down in the grass. The Charge wheeled himself over to him and dug his earpiece out of his pocket, Leon watched him confusedly.

"Open," Zack said, dangling the end of the cord at the cat. Leon didn't do anything. "Seriously, open your mouth," Zack repeated. Leon hesitated but eventually did as he was told. The Charge clicked the earpiece into his Link and affixed the device to his ear and sat back. "Tell me things," he said. Leon was quiet for several minutes, not really sure what to say.

" _What am I supposed to tell you_?" he asked.

"You look so down, I was just wondering what the problem was."

" _It's nothing. Don't worry about it._ "

"You sure?"

" _Yes. Thank you for the concern, but I'm fine_ ," Leon lied.

"If you say so."

* * *

**6 months later**

"Fire and ice," Leon said. Zack nodded.

"Right."

"Water and electricity."

"Right."

"Air and…earth," the Carrier said hesitantly.

"Yes."

"…What am I missing?"

"Life and…?"

"Death."

"Light and…?"

"Dark," Leon grumbled, mentally chastising himself for forgetting such simple things. Zack slouched in his seat, putting his legs up on the exam table, flipping a page.

"You come across an animal in the field and you're hungry. Being colorblind, you really can't see it's coloration to see if it's poisonous or not, how else can you tell?" the Charge asked. Leon scrunched his brows together, racking his halfway fried neurons for the answer.

"I know I read that somewhere…" he said with a sigh.

"Want a hint?"

"No."

"M'kay," Zack said, itching the side of his face and waiting patiently. Leon grumbled angrily in spite of himself and scooted forward in his seat to rest his forehead on the table.

"Why do so many of the animals have to be poisonous?"

"Hell if I know," Zack snorted. "Want to move onto something else?"

"No. I know this," Leon growled.

"Okay, let me put it this way, you find a Crown Lance, a Caterchipiller, and a Funguar all in the same place. They're all poisonous, you know this, but how can you tell? What do they all have in common?"

"That doesn't make any sense, they're all from different regions, why would they all be in the same place?" Leon asked, picking his head up and giving his makeshift teacher a confused look.

"I'm pulling an example out of my ass, just pretend for a second. Think about it."

"…They're slow and easy to catch?"

"Crown Lances are pretty damn fast."

"…They all sting?"

"Not Funguars."

"…Then I have no idea. They're all squishy and disgusting, why would I want to eat that in the first place?" Leon grumbled.

"That's right. They're all really soft. Most of the time, if it's really hard to crack into, it's edible. The gross ones use poison for their natural defense while the tasty ones use scales and armor and all that," Zack said. Leon's expression blanked and he stared at the table before remembering that yes, he did read that and he totally knew it. He heaved a frustrated sigh and let his face thunk back onto the table. Zack chuckled and pulled his feet off the table and sat up. He reached over and patted the Carrier's back. He looked at his watch. "It's almost two in the morning, you need to sleep," he said.

"I need to study," Leon said, his words partially muffled by the table's surface.

"But you also need to sleep."

"I can sleep when I'm dead. Or when I know all of this, whichever comes first."

"Well, tomorrow… or today… whatever, will be easier. You're picking up the stuff for here better than you are the stuff for Plane 087," Zack said, closing his book and standing. After almost four months of recovery, he was able to regain his strength enough to move around on his own. Tifa wasn't as thrilled as he was about it though, she couldn't baby him anymore.

"I know, and that's a problem," Leon said, pulling his arms up to fold them under his chin.

"You could try relating the two. They're alike in a lot of ways even if it all seems so different. Like…you can eat turtles. They have hard shells. But a lot of frogs are poisonous and they're squishy. See what I'm saying?" Zack asked. Leon nodded.

"Chemistry is so much easier," he sighed. He could do numbers and equations extremely well and the facts were cut and dry and easy to remember. The animal kingdoms had too many exceptions, too many muddled facts and too many theories. It was ever changing, and Leon couldn't keep up.

"I don't think so, but that's just me. Just remember the few cardinal rules I told you. 'If you see a T-Rexaur you…'"

"Run like a bitch," Leon snorted.

"And?"

"Don't eat the Chocobos."

"Right. You'll be fine. You still have time. Don't force yourself. Get some sleep, I'll be back in a few hours and we can start again," Zack said and stretched his arms towards the ceiling as high as he could, pulling his stiff muscles back into place.

"I will, I just want to check one more time before I go to bed," the Carrier said, looking to the Catalogue.

"Okay, I'll see you later," Zack said and took his leave. Leon waited until he was certain the Charge wasn't coming back before he tiredly scooted to the Catalogue and plugged himself in. He had learned his way around the machine fairly easily after a bit of study and found that a lot of it was self explanatory, unlike the rest of his curriculum. He checked it regularly to see if the Technicians had updated Cloud's profile, but so far, nothing had changed. Just the same stupid hair, with the same stupid name, and his age. Leon pulled his legs up onto the chair with him and rested his chin on his knees, watching, staring, and contemplating Cloud's face for answers to questions he couldn't even think to voice. So much uncertainty, so many unknowns, so many frightening possibilities of failure and tragedy, it put an icy lump in his gut.

The wait was torture.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

It was a year into Leon's studies and he still didn't feel like he was getting anywhere. Zack was pounding as much information as he could into the young Carrier's brain, but it still wasn't up to Leon's standards. He wasn't really aware of what his standards were, truth be told, but he figured he would know when he had filled them. He kept studying and studying as much as he possibly could with the hope that at some point it would click and he could finally say 'yes, I'm satisfied enough, it's time to go.' He did alright as far as the things pertaining to his own work went, and what he would need to do once Cloud crossed over with him, but the stuff about the unknown world he was going to have to combat in order to get to that point was still foggy.

It's one thing to look at a book and say 'this is this, therefore that is that,' and that wasn't his problem. He could rattle off names of things he didn't even know about and convince someone on the outside that he knew what he was talking about. But when Zack drilled him and forced him to think quickly and on his toes, it wasn't there. There was a very real possibility that Leon would have to hunt and fend for himself in the wilderness and that meant putting himself in front of beasts he didn't understand and possibly get attacked by them. If he couldn't think quickly enough in hypothetical situation to save his ass, he was afraid he would die before Cloud was even born. That scared him, and picked at his pride and confidence with each failure.

But he was determined. There were times where he was getting so unreasonably frustrated with himself that he had to literally remove himself from the lab and sit in his room and do _nothing_. He spent a lot of those times in partial meditation, repeating over and over to himself 'control is what's most important, so long as you have that, you'll be fine.' And he believed it. So long as he had control of himself and didn't let his emotions and fears get the better of him, whatever the problem was could be solved. It became his own personal mantra. Control control control.

Continuing down that path, by the time his second year rolled around, he was doing okay. The project and work related stuff was on the backburner as he launched himself face first into the other world. He forced himself to understand the culture, learn the languages and understand everything Zack was telling him. The only problem was that Zack didn't know everything. He didn't fully understand what the war was about and he didn't know a lot from a scientific standpoint. He could tell Leon about the animals, and the geography and some of the politics and languages, but if it was anything deeper than the surface facts, he was in the dark just as much as Leon was. They had some books that the Technicians had written but it was nowhere near complete. Even they didn't fully understand everything.

The war was the biggest question. No one could really understand _why_ it was happening, even if they knew part of the _how_. Leon was most interested in the winning side, seeing as Cloud seemed to belong to that side of the world anyway, but he desperately wanted the whole picture just so he could relate to the people more. But, as he started running out of information to absorb, the answers didn't come. He resigned himself to going to school in Plane 087 and learning just like everyone else did; from the beginning. At the very least he was comfortable with the idea of trying to find food for himself. He sort of wished he was an herbivore simply because the flora didn't differ much from one plane to the next and he would know what he could eat already.

The two sides of the war, as Leon understood it, were like night and day. On one side was Midgar (the winning party) and the other was Balamb. They were practically on two different sides of the world geographically speaking but between them were countless little neutral countries dotting the landscape. Island chains, mountainous regions, deserts, plains, and snowy peaks could be found in all directions of latitude and longitude just like the natural landscape of his home used to be before the Great War destroyed everything. Zack had been born in Midgar so, consequentially, he knew the most about that side of the world. They only had what the Technicians had recorded when it came to the Balamb half but Leon didn't mind too much. If Cloud was in Midgar, that's where he would put his focus.

Midgar's portion of the world spanned the farthest and was constantly growing as the war spread outward. They mowed down anything that got in their way, be they enemy or not, and generally left an entire front of destruction in their wake. Their weaponry and capabilities were far superior to anything Balamb had and they took complete advantage of it. Huge hulking pieces machinery, soldiers that had no souls or consciences, and superlative tactics gave them complete reign over everything they controlled. Everyone feared them and their ruthlessness and hardly anyone stood up to them for fear of losing everything. Midgar never asked for anything. They simply took it, and Zack hated it.

"I never actually saw any active combat and heard a lot of the progress in reports and newscasts. I have no idea what Balamb's capabilities are but I do know that they're the only ones fighting back so there has to be _something_ , you know?" Zack snorted one afternoon while there was a lull in Leon's feverish studying.

"Do you think Cloud got sucked into it?" he asked. Zack shrugged.

"It could go either way. Depending on where he's born and how close it was to Midgar (if not in the territory itself) he could have been or he could've stayed out of it. The Generals just barge in and suck up any able bodied man they come across, shoot him full of drugs, hand him a weapon and tell him to get in line. And if that doesn't happen, then you're drafted anyway. The only difference between the two is one has paperwork and the other doesn't."

"Just the men?"

"It's a very patriarchal military. Not a lot of women get in there and if they do, they're usually tossed in to be nurses or entertainment."

"…Entertainment?"

"Right. Strippers mostly."

"That's deplorable," Leon scoffed and wrinkled his nose. Zack shrugged.

"I know. But then they'd have less control over the soldiers."

"…I'm not sure I follow."

"Well, when you're on this shit, you have the insatiable urge to get up and do _something_. For the military, they shove the guys out into the field and tell them to pillage and it works just fine. For the regular asshole in the town that's doing it just for fun, sex is generally the alternative. Either way, they need something to occupy themselves that's somewhat labor intensive so they work it out and can take more later on. If the military provides some entertainment of the vaguely sexual variety, the soldiers can get it out of their systems and are less likely to go out into the field to get laid versus what they're supposed to be doing. 'The field' being new territory, other towns or whatever they happen to be near. The military doesn't support the soldiers fucking one another in the least."

"That's disgusting. Why don't they just keep the dosage smaller or give it to them only right before the fight? Why keep them whacked all the time?"

"Because they have more control that way. The soldiers become very malleable and do as their told so long as it feeds their need to exert themselves. Plus, they're constantly moving so it's not really a problem because they never run out of stuff to do."

"I can only imagine what the people on the outside see them as," Leon sighed, rubbing his brows tiredly.

"I remember waking up and going outside my bunker and standing at the top of a nearby cliff. I looked down to the ground at the base of the cliff, where the new recruits were getting ready to head out, and just seeing a sea of glowing blue dots. Every two dots were a pair of eyes belonging to some poor asshole that was blasted out of his mind and had no idea what he had gotten himself into. And Leon, there were _thousands_ of them. I couldn't see the end of them and I remember feeling really scared once I saw that. It really hit me and made me realize the sheer enormity of Midgar's military and how very possible it was that they could take over the entire planet. I'm sure Balamb knows that they're fighting a losing war, but I give them credit for sticking to their guns. Midgar's full of monsters, and everyone knows it."

"That isn't the most reassuring pep talk you've ever given me," the Carrier sighed.

"But it's the reality of it. I told you when you first started that it was a hostile place and I stand by it. I will say it a million more times if it gets you to understand how truly _terrifying_ they are. I really do think Tifa saved my life by bringing me here and I thank her for it every chance I get. Hopefully Cloud will feel the same once you bring him over."

"You really think I'll be able to?"

"Yeah. I trust you. Your determination has to count for something, right?"

"I suppose," Leon said, looking down at his hands and tracing the lines in his palm with a fingertip. "If…" he trailed, thinking. Zack looked to him.

"Hmm?"

"If…" Leon hesitated, not really wanting to think about what he was thinking about, "if Cloud happens to get sucked into the military and does unspeakable things, do you think he'll remember it enough to really damage him?"

"I don't know. I would watch him carefully, just to be sure."

"Do you remember all the stuff you did?"

"Some of it. But basic training is boring and I didn't really get the chance to get out and do anything that I'd really regret. It's sort of like how I remember stuff from when I used to drink a lot. Sometimes I'd remember bits and pieces but mostly I don't."

"Why did you start drinking?"

"Guilt, mostly. Regardless of whether or not I agreed with the military, I was still a traitor to my country and some other poor soul had to take my place. Maybe if I hadn't run in the first place, that guy wouldn't have been drafted and forced to do horrible things, you know? He could've even had a family, and my cowardice just killed whatever hope they had of ever seeing him again. It sucks. I blamed myself for a lot of stuff," Zack explained quietly.

"I sort of wish I could have a whole series of Charges so I could take more people out of there and away from all that shit," Leon said. Zack smiled.

"That's cute."

"What? It's true. They'd be much better off over here than in some horrendous deathtrap of a world."

"I agree," Zack said and the conversation ground to a halt. They sat quietly in a comfortable silence for several minutes, reflecting on everything that had been shared. Leon eventually came up with a couple questions.

"So, you said you saw a bunch of glowing eyes? When they're high their eyes glow?"

"Right. It's not like a car's headlights or anything and lighting up the night, but they do shine to a certain degree. That's how you tell they're high if it's just someone walking down the street. It's usually pretty obvious when the soldiers are because they're most likely killing something."

"I see," Leon deadpanned. "Do you have any idea how this is supposed to work? Like… will the Technicians give me a place to stay, or do I just have to wing it?"

"No idea," Zack said. Neither of them had heard anything from the Technicians since their last inspection, and even then it wasn't as if they were addressing Leon himself. They got their news from the Catalogue, and Leon's criteria for his education but nothing outside of that. It wasn't the best scenario, and Leon was really concerned with where he would end up and how he was supposed to live his life in Plane 087. But he kept his worries at arm's length. He had to focus on studying and learning as much as he could because he may not have the opportunity to do so once he left like he initially thought he would.

* * *

There wasn't a whole lot to do in the evenings once someone decided they were through working for the day. From about eight o'clock to bedtime, Leon was really at ends with himself. Sometimes he would visit with Riku, sometimes he would study, sometimes he would just go to bed right away, but most of the times he was by himself, not doing anything interesting. The Catalogue offered a few minutes of entertainment every now and again, but other than reading the news reports that he could care less about, he was at a loss.

During his third year, Leon made a marvelous discovery that happened purely by accident. He was sitting in the lab fiddling with his future Charge's watch simply because he could. He was deep in thought and dwelling on the unknowns he had yet to figure out, his fingers running over the bumps the buttons made on the tiny device. He eventually tired of thinking and looked at the watch properly and remembered there was a place for the cord from the Catalogue to plug into. So, out of curiosity, he plugged it in and to his surprise the machine sprung to life and he suddenly had access to the internet, something he had avoided for his own safety. He really wished he had figured that out two years ago.

Leon had absolutely _no_ idea how to use the internet in any sort of useful fashion. But, the initial page he was brought to was a search engine. Using his one track mind, he immediately typed in 'Plane 087' and was presented with a list of thousands of links on the subject, the first of which was the Charge Forum. He was astounded by the sheer volume of topics and information that was there, he didn't know where to start. So, he just picked one and dove in. He had been scrolling around and stumbled upon a topic dated about two years prior made by a Carrier versus a Charge. He was immediately intrigued.

_I'm so freaked out. Everyone says there's so much to remember before I leave and it JUST got SO much worse now that I've talked to Xemnas. My itinerary and paperwork puts me in Midgar instead of Gongaga and AUGH I just want to scream. That's like… all the way the fuck across the mountains and on a completely different island! What the hell are they thinking? My Charge is in Gongaga! Not Midgar! This isn't fair. I'm so damn tired of them forcing me to do things their way when they don't even have a say once I get over there!_

_It feels like everyone that says they're trying to help me is hindering me and just making it worse. I'm already stressed out as it is, I leave in just five years, that's not nearly enough time for me to learn everything I need to and make a concrete plan. I'm sure, if it could, my hair would start falling out. I hardly sleep, I don't spend time with my family, I hardly eat, and all so I can study my ass off and start things off on the right foot. But I feel like those bastards took all my progress and threw it in the toilet by sending me THOUSANDS of miles away. How am I going to find him? Midgar might make it to him first and he could be killed before I have a chance to pull him away._

_It all feels so…_ _**hopeless** _ _._

Leon had mixed feelings. He hadn't received his itinerary or his paperwork yet. The Technicians had to create all the documents and papers he would need to blend into society. They would come up with a tentative plan for him to follow, but really, once he crossed over, they wouldn't know what he was doing so he wasn't too concerned. But, if there was something in his documentation that forced him to go one way, that could be a problem. He didn't have the knowledge to forge new documentation for himself. He sincerely hoped he wouldn't have that roadblock. His confidence in his ability was already delicate as it was. He didn't know what he would do if he didn't have total control over the situation.

He scrolled through the replies to the nameless Carrier's post. Most of them were a mix of encouraging words and people freaking out that he was risking himself by getting on the internet. Carriers could catch a virus just as easily as a computer could and that would spell disaster. A lot of people were angry at the Carrier simply because if he died before he could even leave, then what was the point of whining about his problems for other people to read? Leon didn't agree with the others and their accusations. He sort of wanted to post something himself simply so he could have an outlet as well, but decided against it. It wasn't worth the ridicule.

After another hour of floundering around aimlessly and reading many posts with people complaining about various things he didn't understand, he stumbled upon something he was a little frightened to see. He stumbled upon someone's profile that had a series of videos embedded on the page titled 'Play Time' and various related sequels. The comments on the videos were all positive so, like an oblivious internet virgin, he decided to watch one. His eyes nearly fell from his skull when he realized what was happening. It took him a few seconds to understand it wasn't negative, but he immediately knew that's not how he wanted things to be between Cloud and himself.

The video was of a Charge and his much larger male Carrier having very violent sex. It started out where the Charge was being physically assaulted and allowing his Carrier to beat and smack him around with bruising force before he forcibly mounted him. It wasn't until the Charge yelled for more that Leon stopped himself from trying to figure out how to report a rape. He furrowed his brows together and glared at the screen, slightly intrigued but mostly horrified. He wasn't intrigued by the act itself but rather the question of 'how did they even figure out that the other liked it like this?' He had no idea what Totem the Carrier had, or how strong he actually was but the potential for seriously hurting his Charge was evident regardless. He didn't like it and disconnected from the internet entirely and just sat quietly for several minutes, trying to understand the appeal of such violence. He didn't get it, but it did make him think about Cloud. He remembered he hadn't checked on his Charge's profile in several days to see if there were any updates.

"…No way," Leon whispered to himself as he stared at the new words that had appeared. They seemed so alien to him, as he didn't want to believe it. Cloud's education history and location had appeared as well his official occupation as 'soldier.' He was from Midgar, which was expected, and Leon wasn't surprised by the military relation, but the education part was the biggest hurdle he had to cross mentally. Cloud was completely uneducated and illiterate, making the idea of getting him to do _anything_ once he crossed over just that much more difficult. Leon couldn't fathom someone having the inability to read, it just didn't happen in his world. Even if the people weren't highly educated, only a very small percentage couldn't read. His heart sank, feeling a bit of the hopelessness coming over him again.

Things just got extra complicated.

* * *

"Leon, you need to get up," Riku urged, peeking around the door into the aforementioned Carrier's bedroom. His grumpy friend had spent the next two days lying in bed with his face smashed into his mattress as he tried to come up with a reason as to why the Technicians thought that Cloud had any sort of potential. He came up with nothing, and was thoroughly depressed about it. He ignored Riku's very unthreatening demand and stay still. The snowy Carrier had had enough of Leon's moping and pushed his way into the room. He stuffed his hand under the covers and grabbed the other's ankle and dragged him down the length of his bed. Leon didn't try to resist even as his cheek started to burn from the friction.

"Nnnrg…" he groaned as his lower half was dropped onto the floor, leaving him practically kneeling off the edge of the bed.

"Now you're just being childish," Riku sighed.

"I feel like crying," Leon said flatly.

"Why? Because your Charge can't read? So what?"

"What do you mean 'so what'? That's a big deal! I'm going to make contact and he's going to smile at me and have missing teeth and ask me to play the banjo with him or something terrible like that."

"…That's actually sort of a funny visual."

"Then I'd ask him 'do you know what three plus three is?' and he'll respond 'dur-hur, is it 'pickles?'' and I'd die a little more inside."

"Okay, now you're just being offensive. Ai wasn't educated either and she wasn't like that in the least," Riku said. Leon heaved a heavy sigh and pushed himself back onto the bed properly and sat up.

"How did you deal with it?" he asked quietly.

"I didn't get the chance to, if you recall." It took a while for Riku to be able to talk about his late Charge without getting teary eyed. Leon was thankful he moved past it. Whenever Riku cried it made the mood rather awkward because he never knew what to do to help him.

"You had to have had a plan or something, though."

"I planned to teach her everything."

"Everything?"

"Everything."

"That's going to take years…" Leon trailed. Riku scowled and went around to sit on the bed in front of him. He sat heavily in his annoyance, bouncing them both with the force.

"You seem to think this process is just going to happen overnight. I understand the desire to do it that quickly, but you have to be realistic. It's going to be another fifty or sixty years _at least_ until you mature your first sibling. Then it's even more of a waiting game until they get their Charge. Then the Charge has to be educated and then the cycle starts all over again. It's a process that everyone goes through and you are no different. Every Charge has to be taught. They don't come in nice little prepackaged boxes for us to open and get started right away. Personally, I think that growth process they go through is the best part of having them, because it gives us the chance to grow with them."

"I'm not asking for a college degree. I just want him to be able to tell me what the words on the page say. It's really disconcerting to think that I'll have to teach a grown person how to do that much. I really don't see it as a positive thing. My biggest prerogative is getting started on my family; I've repeated myself a million times."

"But your Charge _is_ part of your family," Riku defended, giving him a quizzical look. "I don't know what you think Cloud is going to be but you're going to have a really rough time with him if you treat him simply as a means to an end. I don't have to meet him to say that he'd be unhappy with such a hands off approach. It's a relationship, regardless of how far you two take it. You have to at least be able to acknowledge that he's a person and not a… _thing_ ," Riku said hesitantly.

"I know that. And I do acknowledge him as a person," Leon said defiantly.

"You might be aware he's a person but you have yet to come across like you give a damn about him otherwise. I feel like you're holding him at arms length and practically punishing him for not meeting your standards right away. Well, he's not going to meet them, I'll tell you that now, but he may over time and that's where the growth comes in. But you have to be patient enough to get to that point. You can either be completely negative about the entire process or you can be optimistic. It's your choice but you're going to miserable if you choose the former."

"It's hard to be optimistic when you feel like it's a hopeless situation."

"Why is it hopeless? You haven't even started."

"I sort of regret choosing him."

"Just because he can't read?"

"No, even before that. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I just… settled, rather than feeling like I really wanted him. Like 'oh, I don't really like any of them but I _guess_ this one is okay.' That bothers me. It doesn't feel right."

"Well, I hate to tell you but that's sort of what happened."

"I know. How do I fix it?" Leon asked.

"You adjust," Riku said. "Accept it for what it is and make the most of it."

* * *

As time ticked on, Leon never really got over Cloud's illiteracy. He didn't let it plague him like he had initially, though. He just continued on normally, spending his days studying and absorbing as much useful information as he could from the Charge forum. He used the term 'useful' loosely though. From what he could gather, there were a lot of Charges that wanted to go back to Plane 087. Most of those that said that were from Balamb though, and Leon really wondered why the place was so different from Midgar, aside from the obvious military aspect. He figured he'd find out soon enough though. He was leaving the next morning.

"Are you nervous?" Tifa asked as she ran a brush through her hair. Leon was pacing back and forth in her lab, his face halfway buried in a book, double and triple checking that he really knew what all that he had read. He was exhausted, as he had been for the last few years, but the jitteriness of leaving wouldn't let him sit still.

"Extremely," he admitted. Tifa wanted nothing more than to go up and hug him and pet his hair and tell him it would be alright, but she held off. That minefield wasn't worth traversing anymore.

"We got you something," she said and Leon stopped his pacing to look at her. She stood from her seat, set her brush aside, and went to dig in her desk. She approached him with a small flat box and held it out. He closed his book and tucked it under his arm, taking the gift from her. It wasn't wrapped, which was fine with him, and he pulled the lid off and raised a brow. Inside was a silver chain with a rather large charm dangling from the end. The trinket was that of a profile depiction of a roaring lion with what seemed to be a cross protruding from the base of its neck. It sort of looked like someone has skewered the animal's head on a pike to him but he tried his best to look appreciative.

"Riku chipped in a chunk too. He actually gave us most of his compensation from when Ai died. It took us a while to save up for the rest though, otherwise we would've given it to you sooner. The entire thing is silver so you should be able to take it with you," Zack said, leaning over the exam table with a smile.

"It's for your change code," Tifa said and took the box from him and pulled the chain out to show him. She flipped the charm over and there was a very small hinge in the back with a thin door attached. She used a fingernail to pull it open to reveal a compartment that was just big enough to hide the earring in. It clicked shut tightly so there was no chance of it opening and allowing the important stud to come tumbling out to get lost. At the opposite end of the chain was a clasp. Tifa reached around Leon's neck and draped the chain over him and clipped the clasp to a link in the chain. The excess with the charm hung down his chest and nearly cleared his sternum. "We got it like this so you could adjust the length if you had to wear it while you changed. It should be wide enough that it doesn't choke you."

"I don't really know what to say…" Leon trailed. Tifa smiled and pushed herself up on her tiptoes to hug him tightly around his neck. He set the book aside and hugged her back, resting his chin on her shoulder and allowing her to absorb some of his nervousness. Things were slowly cementing themselves into place for him. He was scared out of his mind of the high probability of failure. It loomed in the back of his mind like an ache that just wouldn't go away. Tifa had only meant the hug to be brief but Leon surprised her by hunching his shoulders and hiding his face in her hair, trying to chase his mental demons away and keep them from antagonizing him.

"Leon…" she trailed with obvious concern in her voice. She looked to Zack over Leon's shoulder and gave him a worried expression. The Charge furrowed his brows and went to them and patted the clinging Carrier's back.

"I'm so scared," Leon squeaked quietly. Tifa's brows knit together and she ran her fingers through the ends of his hair.

"You'll be fine," she cooed and hugged his face into her shoulder.

"What has you so freaked out?" Zack asked. Leon swallowed thickly before pulling away and forcing himself to stand upright again. He took a breath.

"Pretty much everything. I don't feel like I'm prepared enough, there are too many questions I haven't had answered, and the huge possibility of things ending badly just won't leave me alone," he muttered, feeling his self control come back to him bit by bit.

"You're not leaving here and jumping right into the thick of it. You have time to adjust to their world, watch Cloud grow up so you can answer some of those questions, and lots of opportunities to plan things the way you want them to go. Don't worry about it," Tifa said.

"I don't even have my itinerary yet," Leon said, composure returned.

"It doesn't matter. Yeah, your paperwork will have you going somewhere specific, but you still have that time to plan so you can make it work. Even if you decide to deviate away from where you're supposed to go, so long as you're prepared, it'll be fine. The Technicians aren't going to be hovering over you and forcing you to do things their way though they'd like to think they are. You'll have so much more freedom on the other side. You may as well enjoy it," she added.

"I suppose that's true," the other agreed. The idea of having personal freedoms like normal humans have was something he hadn't even considered. He liked the idea of being able to dress himself how he wanted and interacting with people in public establishments. The simple things were quickly becoming the most intriguing.

"See? Silver linings, my friend. Silver linings," Zack said with a wide smile. Leon smirked as something came to mind.

"Want to hear a _really_ awful pun?" he asked.

"Sure," Zack chuckled.

"Does that mean every Cloud will have a silver lining?"

* * *

Control control control. That's what Leon kept telling himself he needed. He couldn't argue with Zack and Tifa's very valid points of having control of things once he crossed over, but his lack of sleep the previous evening really wasn't helping his resolve stay together. He was up the entire night worrying and studying as much as he could bear. He was shaky and jittery inside and felt like he was going to wet himself if he didn't move forward and start working some of the energy out of his system. He spent a good portion of the morning pacing and ignoring how hungry he was. The only instructions he had been given were to be up and ready by six in the morning and not to eat anything. It was a little after five and he couldn't stand it.

"Leon?" Riku called from the other side of his door before he knocked. The russet Carrier answered quickly and the other startled with how quickly the door swung open. Riku immediately furrowed his brows together in concern. "You look like shit," he blurted.

"I know. Thanks," Leon grumped with a deep scowl. He was fully aware of the tired bags under his eyes and the haggard expression he couldn't get rid of.

"I take it you're up and ready?"

"Up, yes. Ready? Not in the least."

"Well, sorry. Too bad. Keys," Riku demanded and held out his hand. Leon dug in his pocket for his room keys and set them in his palm. "I'll run your plumbing every now and again so it stays working. You're not coming back here for checkups like everyone else does so it could go without being used for twenty some-odd years. Got your change code?" he asked. Leon nodded and pulled the chain out from under his shirt.

"Thank you, by the way. Zack said you pitched in a good portion of money for this," he said. Riku nodded.

"What else was I going to spend it on? It was all the Committee's way of saying 'sorry she's dead, have some money so you can buy yourself stuff and get happy again so you can get back to work.' I never asked for compensation and consolation sure as hell wasn't going to come from material things."

"Understandable, I think I would've felt the same way. I'll have to remember to get you all something if I'm successful." He wouldn't earn his pay unless Cloud came with him.

"Don't think in 'ifs.' It's 'when' you're successful. I have faith in you," Riku said. Leon's smile following the encouragement was miniscule, but it was there.

"Thanks," he deadpanned, wishing he could feel the same way.

"Anyway, let's head outside so you're not cooped up and brooding. Zack and Tifa should meet us out there in a few," Riku said. Leon nodded. "Have everything?"

"What else am I supposed to take?"

"Just checking," Riku chuckled and pulled the door closed, locking it. They headed down the hall together, each step taking double the effort of the previous one, or so Leon felt. He almost wanted to crawl back in the bed and hide but he forced himself forward and out the front entrance of the facility where Tifa and Zack were already waiting. Tifa had tears in her eyes and rushed at him, arms open wide. Leon had hardly a second to react before he was plowed into, the woman squeezing the life from him.

"I'm going to miss you so much!" she cried, smashing herself up against him. The air was pushed from his lungs and he let out a strangled squeak, his arms trapped at his sides.

"Please…let go," he struggled. She released him and immediately sucked the breath back into himself and gave her a withering smile. "I'll miss you too?" he asked, unsure if he actually would. She didn't catch the slight questioning inflection at the end and smiled as tears poured down her face.

They hung around outside, the other three crowding around Leon and bombarding him with encouragement. Zack took some time to double and triple check some of the key points of the russet Carrier's lessons and review a bit of the languages. Leon wasn't perfect, he was still tripping over himself a bit with all the information, but he hoped he could get the hang of it before Cloud was born. After another forty-five minutes of waiting around, a white box-like van came puttering over the hill towards them. Tifa let out a wail and forced herself into Leon's personal bubble again, hugging him tight and rambling on how he would be 'just fine' and 'not to worry.' Leon was thankful Zack and Riku were satisfied with handshakes. Xemnas, the Technician he could remember from so few years ago exited the vehicle and came to them, paying more attention to his tablet than anything else.

"9x8b?" he barked when he grew close. Leon broke away from Tifa's motherly clinging and went to him. Xemnas' attention flicked to him for barely a second before he nodded, poked at his tablet some more, and turned back to the van. "In the back," he ordered as another Technician opened the double doors into the bed of the vehicle. Leon glanced behind himself and waved a bit, unable to think of anything to say. They all waved back, Zack holding Tifa at bay by her shoulders.

"Going to make a pit stop a few domes over," the nameless Technician said as Leon climbed passed by him and into the vehicle. He furrowed his brows together thoughtfully.

"Is someone coming with me?" he asked, a bit hopeful. The man nodded and shrugged.

"Some sort of cow or something. Fuck if I remember who it is. I just drive the van."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Leon spent the next four hours feeling horrendously nauseated as he was tossed around the back of the van like a rattle that had been given to an overly excited infant. The terrain outside of the dome was uneven and bumpy in a lot of places but the lack of sufficient seating and safety restraints was his biggest problem. There was simply a bench and nothing else. It also didn't help that everything was made of smooth metal so any sort of traction he could hope to have was nonexistent. He eventually just gave up and lay on the floor and let himself slide around with the movements, protecting his head and face when necessary. Not that it helped his stomach any.

He thanked his lucky stars when the vehicle finally stopped to check in at the next dome's gate. From that point, the ride was just another hour and it was made substantially better by smooth city streets. When the van rolled to a stop again, he quickly pulled himself up from the floor and sat on the bench so whoever was joining him didn't think he was insane. The doors up front opened and closed as Xemnas and the other Technician got out. There was a brief silence before the doors into his uncomfortable metal box were pulled open. A rush of air wafted in, making Leon realize how stuffy it had gotten.

From his seat, Leon could only see what was directly behind the van. There was a short trail leading several yards away where a crowd of people were making a commotion. He would've bet there were at least twenty-five of them, Carriers and Charges alike. There were also a couple of human children mixed in that confused him. All of them, though, were rallying around one individual who was trying his hardest to pull away and say sufficient goodbyes at the same time. Xemnas got to them, barked something Leon couldn't hear over the other voices, and then the volume tripled as every woman amongst them wailed sappy goodbyes and the children started crying simply because their mothers were. The Carrier that was leaving, a male with flaming red hair, trailed after Xemnas with a smile.

"Reno!" came a very effeminate squeal as a girl with bright curly blonde hair, who couldn't have been more than three, broke through the crowd and bounded down the trail after him as fast as her stubby little legs would carry her. The Carrier turned to meet her and stooped down low as she rushed forward into his arms. The girl sobbed and sputtered in his face, cheeks and nose bright pink and dripping. "I dun' wan' you t—" she hiccupped, sniffled, and tried again "to go!" she squealed. Xemnas heaved an annoyed sigh and rolled his eyes, heading past the van and back to his seat in the front. Reno hugged the girl tight and laid his cheek against hers, speaking low in her ear as she sniffled and listened.

"Okay?" he asked her and gave her a wide grin. She hiccupped again and thought about it before she nodded and he set her down again.

"Claire!" called another Carrier, a female this time, as she hurried down the trail and scooped the girl up. She and Reno shared a few words and a hug before he pulled away again and walked to the van. The rest of the crowd yelled more 'goodbyes' and 'good lucks' to him as he pulled himself into the back with Leon and the doors were closed behind him. The noise died considerably afterward, but the voices could still be heard as a muffled hum.

Now that he could see him better, Leon decided that Reno looked incredibly young, almost as if he was still a teenager when he was pulled from his gestation tank. His wild hair stuck out in all directions with a few pieces falling in his face and a long tail in the back that fell past his shoulder blades. It took him a few minutes to realize that two red curves flanked each of his eyes and they were actually part of his skin versus stray pieces of hair. His skin was pale, his eyes were blue, and that's just about all Leon cared to know. Reno sat quietly for a few minutes, knowing the other Carrier was there, but not knowing what to say.

"I'd offer to shake your hand but I can't really see very well," Reno admitted with a breathy laugh. Leon hadn't even registered how dark it was in the van until just then; he could see just fine. The vehicle started again and headed off towards the gate.

"It's fine," the other deadpanned. Reno's attention was focused off to the side. He seemed a little skittish, his posture was tense, his expression a bit worried, but Leon didn't understand why.

"So uh… Hi. My name's Reno."

"Leon."

"Fitting," Reno snorted.

"Why do you say that?"

"Your scent tells me what your Totem is. Lion. That's uh… a really big cat," Reno blurted nervously. "Sorry, I've never met a predatory Carrier before. Give me a minute," he added and fidgeted in his seat.

 _You're acting like I'm going to attack and eat you for dinner_ , _thanks for assuming I'm that uncivilized,_ Leon thought.

He took a moment to concentrate on the air and see if he could pick up Reno's scent just as easily. He could recognize that the other was there and was something he could eat, but there wasn't much else to go off of otherwise. But he was definitely a Carrier that much was certain, and for a predatory Carrier like himself, that's all they needed to know. Through time and experience Leon would be able to pick up on getting more specific with the Totems but the only reason he was able to pick up on it in the first place was to keep a certain amount of awareness around him to protect his Charge. It wasn't a necessity to get that specific. For prey animals (of all sizes) their senses were finely tuned simply because their Totem's were. They had to be aware of all the details otherwise they wouldn't be able to assess who was dangerous and who wasn't.

"I take it that hoard of people was your family?" Leon asked to break up the uneasy silence. He tried his hardest to not sound insanely jealous, even though he was.

"Yeah, those are my cousins. I have a lot of them. But I consider all their Charges and kids my cousins too so that helps."

"Cousins?"

"I don't have any siblings. I'm a subspecies and the first of my kind; the Buffalo, even though that name is a misnomer. All the true buffalo are other separate subspecies and I'm technically of the American Bison strain, but since America doesn't exactly exist anymore we just sort of wing it. 'Plains Bison' is probably the most accurate since all of the other bison types will come from me. But whatever. My Totem is huge and fat and stands around and eats grass all day, that's about all I have to remember," Reno said with a joking tone. His body language loosened some and he sat back against the wall of the van.

"I'm the first of mine as well," Leon said. _Even though our situations hardly compare_.

"Oh. Well that's sort of cool. I like the idea of doing stuff my own way, you know? Running the project how I like and all that."

"I suppose." The conversation ground to a halt as the topic dissipated. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for the entire hour and a half it took to get to the gate, have someone coat the van in another layer of anti-radiation spray, and cross back out into the uneven terrain outside. Reno was less than graceful and tried to cling to the bench to stay in place, his nails scraping against the metal while he grumbled in his annoyance. Leon simply abandoned his seat entirely and squashed himself in a corner to minimize the area he could get thrown around in. He found it worked relatively well and didn't upset his stomach quite so much.

"God damn this is awful," Reno muttered, draping himself along the bench and grabbing hold of it when he needed to.

"Yep," Leon agreed. Another hour passed.

"So, what plane are you headed off to?" Reno asked.

"Are we not going to the same place?"

"We may be; I have no idea. Everyone leaves through the same portals, but the computers change the planes. It's not like they have one portal per plane or anything."

"Oh. Plane 087."

"Me too! Yay, I won't be by myself," Reno twittered with a smile, his humor picking up considerably. "Do you know where you're going yet? Got your itinerary?"

"I don't know yet, no."

"Ah. They're going to try and send me to Midgar but I'm going to try and sneak away and get closer to Gongaga where my Charge is supposed to be."

"I see," Leon said. He could vaguely remember the post on the Charge forum from several months before and wondered if it was Reno who made it. He didn't care enough to ask though.

"Do you know anything about Balamb? Because I couldn't find much information on it. Even when I went online the people I found that _did_ come from there were more concerned about going back versus talking about what it was like. I wonder what's so appealing about it," Reno said thoughtfully.

"I don't know. I'm sort of in the same boat. I'd like to know too."

"Ah. Damn. I'm really curious. Regardless, I'm glad I'll have someone to talk to."

"I might not be going to Midgar, so I don't know if we'll be able to talk much."

"Yeah we will. We're staying in the same place until we can make contact with our Charges. Shumi Village is way at the tippy top of Balamb's territory but hardly anyone pays attention to it. Supposedly, the Shumi people know what we are and are totally cool about it. The Technicians set up a sort of lab-away-from-home there and everything. I don't know all the details exactly but they told me we should be able to stay there without being disturbed."

"That… actually makes me feel a lot better about all this," Leon said, and he meant it too. Some of his questions had been answered and he could breathe a little easier. At least he knew for the first seventeen years, he'd have somewhere to stay. Even if he had to fend for himself as far as food went, he'd have somewhere to return to. "Anything else I don't know about?" he asked.

"Not really, no. That's about all they told me. Shumi Village and Midgar. End itinerary," Reno sighed. Leon nodded and settled back. The van hit a particularly large bump and they both startled and banged into the walls. Reno rubbed the back of his head with a groan.

* * *

Three more hours passed. Reno and Leon were just about fed up with their transportation by the time it pulled to a stop at the gate of yet another dome. It was there for only a few minutes before it lumbered up into the city and rolled to a stop in front of the Compound. It was the same building Leon had been matured in just a few short years before and he really wasn't looking forward to going back. The memories there weren't the greatest. But, it was better than staying in the van. Reno obviously felt the same way as he practically launched himself out of the vehicle; so much so he landed strangely and flopped forward onto the ground. Leon scowled a bit and simply climbed out like a civilized adult and went to find Xemnas.

"I'm okay," Reno blurted and quickly pulled himself to his feet again and brushed the dirt and pieces of grass off his shirt. Xemnas exited the front passenger seat and ignored them both as he headed off towards the building. The Carriers left the driver with the van and chased after him. The Technician didn't say a word to them as they wove through the hallways, passing dozens of labs holding dozens of Carriers floating in dozens of gestational tanks. It was an off putting sight to see so many naked people in various stages of growth and Leon tried his best to not look in the rooms curiously.

They stopped in a large open room that had several Catalogue terminals as well as two huge crystal formations stuck in the floor. Around the crystal portals were their accompanying metal rings and a thick ropes of wires, each attaching to its own terminal. The wires weren't connected to the crystals themselves that they could see but they dipped into the floor and disappeared under the tiles outside the rings. There were a few other Technicians present, one of which was a woman with short choppy blue hair that hung around her face in uneven pieces. She was busy typing away at one of the Catalogue terminals attached to a portal.

"Aqua," Xemnas spat. She stopped what she was doing and turned to him.

"Yes sir?" she asked.

"Itineraries," he demanded. She scowled at his tone and went to a nearby desk and opened the drawer and dug around in its contents. She flipped through some files and produced two packets of papers and handed them over to Xemnas. He looked them over briefly, making sure everything was there before he went and handed them over to their respective Carriers. "You should find everything you'll need in there, and your tentative plans to locate your Charges; we've already logged and found their parents so you can watch them until your Charges are born. The Shumi people are expecting you on the other side. You two will be the only ones staying there from our plane. I don't expect anyone else to pass through before you head out to make contact, but that may change."

"Question…" Leon trailed, only halfway paying attention to the Technician as he looked through his papers, deciphering the foreign lettering and translating it for himself.

"What is it?" Xemnas asked impatiently.

"Who's 'Squall?'"

"You are."

"No… my name is Leon," the Carrier defended. The birth certificate and all the citizenship papers he would need were assigned to a 'Squall Leonhart.' Not only was that not his name, it was perhaps even worse than 'Cloud.' Where Xemnas pulled such a terrible combination of letters from, he didn't want to ask, but he had a sinking suspicion is came from the vicinity of the man's ass. In response, the Technician scoffed at him.

"You don't have a name. But you can't exactly go around spouting your number at everyone so we assigned you one. Deal with it, because you can't change it now. It's a little late for that."

"You could've asked at some point or something," Leon muttered.

"That would imply that I give a damn, and I don't. Get ready. You're leaving as soon as Aqua starts the portals," Xemnas said flippantly and waved a dismissive hand. Leon furrowed his brows and glared at the Technician something fierce. Reno shuffled his papers back into order and Aqua took that as a cue to start the machines. Leon returned to looking through his papers and stopped when he noticed what places he had citizenship in.

"Balamb?" he balked and gaped at the papers. "That's on the other side of the world from where I need to be! My Charge is in Midgar!"

"And you'll have plenty of resources available to you in order to get there," Xemnas said sternly. Every piece of relief Leon felt from the information Reno gave him crumbled away as the nervousness and the anxiety returned. He didn't know what else he could say as the Technician in front of him kept his expression stony, unwavering. It wasn't fair. Everything was stacked against him, practically setting him up for failure. To his right, the crystal portals sprung to life, their metal rings clacking with unbridled electricity. An overwhelming sense of dread fell on his shoulders as he clasped the papers tightly. Reno stepped to him and patted his shoulder a bit, hoping to give just a bit of comfort but the other Carrier shrugged him off.

"Just trying to help…" Reno muttered quietly to himself.

"Failure is not an option," Xemnas said.

"You don't have control of that, and neither do we," Leon spat grumpily at him.

"Well you better make sure you come up with some control then before you come back here," Xemnas threatened.

"Or what?"

"Or you'll regret it," Xemnas said. Leon scoffed and rolled his eyes at the man's obvious lack of verbal ammunition. He highly doubted he would be punished if he failed, but the idea was something he didn't want to consider regardless. The portal crackled and flashed, sounding much like an uncontrollable Tesla coil. Aqua turned to them and Xemnas looked to her. He nodded and turned on his heel, heading out of the lab with his chin in the air. The woman approached them with a wavering smile.

"Sorry it's not ideal, but we did what we could in order to get your guy's information together quickly. It's really hard to get in there and find someone who's willing to show and let us copy their paperwork so we could make forgeries. Balamb actually has the most lax immigration policy since they willingly take in refugees that run from Midgar," she said, looking to Leon. "Xemnas was right when he said you'd have a lot of resources there. You also have a lot of extra paperwork in there compared to what Reno has, if you notice," she added and the russet Carrier flipped through the papers again.

"I don't understand what all of this is," he admitted. Aqua nodded.

"Probably not, but the Shumi know what the plan is and will help you once you get over there. But we need to hurry; otherwise we may miss the door. Come on now," she urged, stepping back and sweeping her arm to the side, motioning to the portal that was poised and ready for use. Reno took a deep breath, gave Aqua a smile and headed into the ring first.

"See you over there," he said over his shoulder to Leon. The redhead placed his hand on the crystal's surface and a green line passed over his skin as the portal scanned him, making sure of who and what he was. The lights overhead in the room flickered as the crystal sucked the power from them. Piece by molecular piece of Reno's body began dissolving and flowing into the crystal. Everything went with him, his clothing, his paperwork, and his obnoxious hair. Leon watched quietly, the entire process taking less than a minute. Once Reno was gone, he looked to Aqua.

"Good luck," she said and gave him a kind smile.

* * *

Leon couldn't actually remember passing through the portal. He knew he had though, because when he became aware of himself again, he couldn't hear the crystal's crackling electricity. He was lying on a cushioned surface, exhausted. He was tempted to just roll over and catch up on the sleep he had missed but his overly curious mind wouldn't let him sit still. But as he tried to sit up and become active, he found that it was way more work than what he wanted it to be. He felt drained, heavy, possibly even a little sore, and forcing his eyes open was just about all he could bring himself to do.

"Aah…" came a curious voice from his side, calm and warm. His vision was blurry and all he could see was the white of the ceiling but he could feel the presence next to him. A face appeared over his and he startled, though he doubted the thing above him could tell. The creature had a humanoid appearance in terms of facial structure though the features were far from what he was expecting. He assumed the being was one of the Shumi people but he was still a little confused.

Its skin was a buttery yellow and it was completely bald. No facial hair, no eyebrows, nothing discerning its gender other than the tone of its voice, and even then, Leon couldn't figure it out. It had lips, ears that were little more than hooded holes in the sides of its head, and a small bump of a nose but its eyes were startlingly large and round. They had to be as big as golf balls and were almost completely black but as it looked him over he could tell that there was a thin ring of white outside the irises. He had absolutely no idea what to think. Long, thick, worm-like protrusions eased up next to its face and wiggled at him in a wave and it took him a minute to realize that they were its fingers. A wide smile eased across its face as Leon gaped at it, dumbfounded. He could almost feel the color draining from his face.

"⌡╙╥╛⌐○?" it questioned and Leon blinked a few times, forcing his brain to switch gears into accepting a new language. He and Zack had had a few discussions in the two different dialects he was taught and he had to replay the phrases over and over in his head to pick out the right syllables and figure out which one he was supposed to remember. Then he mentally kicked himself. Reno had said that the Shumi Village was in Balamb's territory, making the decision a no-brainer.

"Nng…" he groaned tiredly, which was of no particular jargon, but it was all he could do. The Shumi smiled wider, revealing two rows of perfectly square teeth.

"┤¬╛-you're awake. We should probably get you up and moving. Idle hands won't get anything accomplished. Best push yourself," it said with an encouraging tone. Leon took a deep breath and realized the air was much… fresher. Not that the air in the dome back home was any less healthy, but it had an earthy undertone to it in this new environment. He liked it, and it made getting up to go see why it was so nice just a little easier to do. The Shumi helped him sit up, pressing its noodle fingers into his back for support. Everything ached as he sat and let his eyes adjust.

The room he was in was a lot more colorful than what he was used to seeing. The ceiling was white, yes, but it wasn't a solid block of nothingness like his home was. It was made of individual tiles, each square holding a soft abstract off-white pattern, making it more of a mosaic than anything else. The walls were a deep rich purple with maroon scrollwork etched through the color only to be offset by thick mahogany molding around the floor and ceiling. The flooring was a soft carpeting that was the same color as the elaborate pattern on the walls, a bold umber. The bed he was sitting on was pretty much a box with a plush navy cushion; there were several more around the room along with it.

Off in the far corner, next to a set of bronze doors with impressive gold metalwork pounded into the panels, was what amounted to a concrete slab with another crystal portal protruding out of it. Right next to that was a Catalogue terminal and its subsequent rope of wiring dipping into the floor. Next to the terminal was a closet, but not much else. There were a few decorations and plants, but the room wasn't horrendously big to begin with and any more adornments would've made it seem rather crowded.

"Welcome," the Shumi said with a broad smile, pulling Leon's attention to it again. He was surprised by how tall it was, being well over two feet taller than himself. It wore a robe that fell to the floor with huge bell shaped sleeves that covered its enormous fingers with excess to spare. The pattern was complicated, filled with tiny shapes and nonsensical squiggles in just about every shade of green he could think of. It was held closed with a deep gold cord that matched the wide gold hems that outlined the entire garment.

"Uh…" he trailed stupidly, staring at the creature wordlessly. The Shumi made a noise that sounded sort of like a gurgle and sort of like a hiss but it was broken up, making the overall expression an obvious chuckle. It turned away from him and practically glided over the floor making hardly a sound as it went to retrieve the file full of papers Leon hadn't realized was missing from his hands. He felt his chest and discovered that he still had his chain and lion pendant tucked under his shirt, which was a relief. Everything had made it with him successfully.

"Squall," the Shumi said, looking down at the paperwork, and Leon furrowed his brows. He considered correcting the creature and insisting that it wasn't his name, but he stopped himself. He would have to get used to hearing it because that's what the rest of the world would call him, even if the name wanted to make him gag.

"Yes," he forced himself to say. The Shumi nodded and went to him again, the folder tucked under its arm. It held its hand out to him, though it stayed covered in fabric. He timidly let it help him to his feet. He noticed immediately that the temperature radiating off of the creature's hand was colder than what he expected, and the fabric of the robe was extremely thin and soft. He stood for a few minutes, getting his bearings and trying to focus past the disorientation.

"Come with me," the Shumi urged and started off towards the doors. Leon teetered after it while keeping a cautious, albeit curious, eye on everything around him. To his surprise, instead of swinging outward on hinges like other doors, the panels simply slid into the walls with a quick ' _shwoof_ ' exposing the next room, which startled him even more than the first.

He looked up and all he could see was triangular glass panels flanked by bronze metalwork that bent in all directions creating a dome over the entire area. It was enormous for one room. Hardly bigger than a few houses in the city back on his own plane but to have it in one single finite space was a bit more grandiose and one over an entire city. After a while, he forgot the dome even existed back home but the new one he was seeing was a bit harder to ignore. The framework was much thicker and obvious. The environment past the glass, though, was a whitewash of snow which seemed odd because he didn't feel cold in the least. The décor otherwise was similar to the pseudo-lab he had just left except the seating was round instead of rectangular.

"Leon," Reno said abruptly, pulling the other Carrier's attention to him. The redhead was sitting on one of the rounded chairs, looking tired but in good spirits. Leon went to sit next to him on another cushion. The Shumi muttered something to itself grumpily before heading back through the doors into the pseudo-lab. "Are you feeling okay?" the redhead questioned. Leon nodded.

"Yeah… I'm just a little out of it," he said, forcing himself to speak in the new language. He figured he'd better get used to it, just like his name.

"Me too," Reno said, mimicking him in dialect. The doors popped open again and the Shumi reemerged, holding what looked to be two square plates in its hands with the folders of papers on top of them.

"Mr. Xemnas said that these are for you two to use to watch your Charges with, but they cannot do much else. The only other things they can do is communicate with one another, reset your colors, and store reports and records. The Mainframe Catalogue program is of no use to you here as we don't have the full facilities to accommodate your work, so we just have what you would most likely use," it explained. It set the plates on another seat and took one with each folder and handed them off to the Carriers.

The plate was actually an extremely thin computer which wasn't much bigger than an ordinary laptop. A small compartment in the side clicked open where a Link cable hid. It flipped open like a laptop did and had a screen, but the place where the keyboard would be wasn't actually a keyboard like one would expect. It was an inset piece of special glass like the Catalogue terminals had where they could control the programs just like they did at home, where the interface changed depending on what they were doing. There wasn't a place to plug it into a wall outlet or keep it powered and Leon vaguely wondered if it would be a problem later.

The Shumi let them poke around with their new toys and stepped to a pedestal that was off to the side of the seating arrangement. It pulled open a panel and pressed a few buttons and suddenly there was a tremor that startled Leon and Reno both and caused them to look around confusedly. Before they could gather what was happening, they found themselves being lowered past the line of the floor. The area they were sitting in acted as an oversized elevator as a wide disc of floor space descended under the horizon line, taking all three of them with it. Once they realized they weren't dying, Leon and Reno relaxed. The Shumi, calm as can be, sat and waited patiently.

The elevator stopped almost a half hour later in a room that was very similar to the other one save for the dome part. They followed the Shumi out of the room and stopped after a few feet through the doors. The scenery was unlike anything either of them had come across. They were underground, that much was certain, but the Shumi people had built an entire village into the landscape. Petite domed houses dotted the cliffs and different tiers of blue-gray stone, all of them of remarkable craftsmanship and metalworking. Hardly any of the buildings were over one story, but those that were, segmented out into the cliffs, using the height to their advantage and utilizing the natural staircases they made. It wasn't a terribly huge place, and couldn't have covered more than a couple miles, part of that being taken up by a large garden.

The groundcover was lush with semi-tall grasses, colorful wildflowers, and cattails coating everything with a flat surface. There were a series of waterfalls poking through the rock walls, creating a system of streams, all of which had ornate foot bridges to traverse. There were animals. _Recognizable_ animals. Leon couldn't believe it. The streams had lily pads with frogs sitting on them and a few bird like something-or-others flew overhead into an enormous tree that had sprouted from the earth, entangling its roots into the uneven terrain. The entire village was covered by the roof of the cavern where the light came through. It shined down onto the landscape through massive pieces of what looked to be crystal, making the environment glimmer with the fluctuating glow. Leon presumed they went all the way through the earth to the surface and reflected the natural sunlight through themselves, making all the life before him possible but he couldn't say for sure. Whatever it was, he was amazed, speechless. Reno shared the same sentiment and stared like a deer in headlights.

"If…" the redhead trailed, catching Leon's attention. "If… this is what all of Balamb is like, I can understand why people would want to go back," he finished, looking to Leon properly. "You know? This is way better than anything we have at home." Before the russet Carrier could respond the Shumi chuckled again.

"Mr. Xemnas has shared pictures of what your world has become and what it was like before," it said with a small smile. Its expression turned somber and it sighed. "We, as a people, decided to assist you in your quest to return your world to what it once was because we know that this one doesn't have much time left. We cannot leave here, but we would like as many people of this world to go with you so that they may have a second chance, and right the wrongs they've made."

"That's very generous and noble of you," Leon said. The Shumi nodded some.

"Perhaps it is, but we don't see it as such. It is the least we could do in order to seek forgiveness for the people's sins. It is a sad story, but not one you have to concern yourselves with if you do not feel the need. You are doing more than enough already and we're already grateful. Every soul is precious, so even taking just two from here is a priceless act. But…" it trailed, forcing a happy expression again, "that just means we're more appreciative of your presence. Come, I will show you where you're to stay."

Leon smiled some. It was nice to hear someone say that they appreciated him. It's even better when it comes from a complete stranger who doesn't even know him. A bit of blind faith in his ability was a decent ego boost. Reno seemed a bit more cheery as well. They followed after the Shumi, weaving through paths in the underbrush and up natural staircases. There were a few people to pass, all of which looked similar to the one they were following with only minute differences in appearance to differentiate them. Everyone's clothing was relatively the same; long flowing garments of vibrant colors and metallic hemming, and everyone's hands were covered either by lengthy sleeves or gloves. They received a few acknowledging waves, a few smiles, but the majority just carried on like normal, nothing negative though, which was refreshing. Leon still couldn't tell which was a male and which was a female, though. If the Shumi people even worked that way, that is.

They passed several shops selling ornate jewelry and clothing, some selling tools, and a few that sold what looked to be food items. There was a large cathedral-like building in the middle of the village where many people milled around socializing, but their guide headed past there and towards one of the few multilevel buildings dotting the cliff faces. Once through the doors, Leon and Reno were rendered speechless yet again. They were amazed at the craftsmanship of everything the Shumi had made. No detail was left undone and the building they were in now was no different. It was built around the protrusions of the cliff and accommodated every bump and curve, the walls filling in the crevices with careful precision.

Stairs had been carved into the rock, leading up to the second story, but they seemed awful treacherous as they didn't have any sort of railing or anything to keep one from toppling down to the bottom floor. There was a banister flanking the landing for the upper floor though. The setup looked like an inn, with an elongated bar and countertop made of a dark wood with silver inlays. Behind the counter was a wall of keys and a book for checking in. The lobby area across from the bar had benches to sit on with colorful cushions and tapestries on the walls as well as an oversized woven rug covering most of the floor. There was a large pillar jutting from the middle of the space, holding up the domed roof but half of it had been carved out and replaced with glass to accommodate an enormous aquarium with a dozen colorful fish swimming about.

"You will be staying upstairs where there are more homey accommodations rather than just a room to sleep in," their guide said. They both looked to it with dumbfounded expressions, still trying to absorb all that they had seen so far. "We have provided you with clothing and everything we think you will need. I must leave you now and inform the Elder of your arrival. You are free to roam as you wish, but try not to go too far as the Elder will want to see you," it smiled. Leon and Reno nodded wordlessly and exchanged an uneasy look with one another. Their guide folded its hands in front of itself and gave them a curt bow before leaving them. Leon and Reno looked around and then back to each other.

"There's no one at the desk," Reno commented, heading over to the counter to take a peek. He looked around and noticed the check-in book and skimmed the page it was opened to. "Oh. We're already signed in I guess," he said.

"So… do we just head up there? Are the rooms unlocked?" Leon asked. Reno looked to him with a shrug.

"I have no idea, let's just go see what we can see," he said and made his way to the stairs. He eyed them warily. "Oh man, that's going to take some getting used to. I don't do so good with narrow steps like these," he said in relation to how shallow the steps themselves were. Leon had the sudden visual of Reno's Primal trying to smash its huge hulking body onto a tiny rock in the middle of a stream, trying to not fall in and get its hooves wet. The redhead carefully headed up the stairs, walking on his tiptoes.

Leon took one last look around before following after him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The upper area of the inn was, as their guide had said, rather homey. It was open to the landing that overlooked the bottom floor but set up as a living area complete with plush seating, a small kitchen area and a table to eat at. There were three doors in a row towards the back, the one in the middle being the bathroom (fully stocked with toiletries) and the bedrooms flanking either side. Leon was extremely happy that the environment, though much more glamorous than his home, was still familiar. The toilet looked like a toilet, the shower looked like a shower, and the kitchen accoutrements looked normal and functional. Most of the surfaces were either made of the bronzy-copperish metal or deep woods, which was a bit off putting initially, but forgivable. Leon felt odd using a bronze toilet.

The bedrooms weren't much bigger than what he and Reno had at home. They each had a bed that was built in as a permanent fixture that was big enough for two people, with elaborate scrolling metal headboards. There was a storage chest as well as a side table and a lamp. A wooden desk was across from the bed and next to a freestanding closet that was stocked with clothing as the guide had said. Most of what was there was more of what he had already seen; flowing robes and lengthy drapes of fabric all of which had vibrant patterns and colors. There were a few normal looking plain t-shirts as well, but the pants they were provided with were just as billowy and excessively loose fitting like the rest of it. The shoes were little more than plain sandals. It was all very nice but Leon couldn't help but feel like he would be wearing a dress ninety percent of the time he was there. Reno, on the other hand, had no qualms about it.

"Okay so… which one do you want?" Reno asked in relation to the bedrooms. They all had the same things and all of the clothing was a bit oversized for them so really the only choice to be made was the color palette. They each had a few variations, one room being predominantly green and the other being blue. Why Reno thought Leon gave a damn, he would never know. He simply shrugged.

"Whichever one you don't want," he deflected.

"M'kay," Reno said and headed into the green room. Leon headed into the blue one and set his file of papers on the desk with his flat plate-like computer.

 _Now what?_ He thought as he looked around the room. He noticed that the doors into the various rooms all slid into the walls and he really wondered how he would keep people from abruptly barging in on him. They didn't even have to be trying to get in to disturb him, they just had to walk by close enough to the wall and the door would pop open. He scowled at the doorway, unhappy with that little detail. He also noticed he had a skylight in lieu of a window and that there was a circular latch in the wall just above the corner of his desk. He pushed the little door aside and behind it was a hole in the wall, which confused him. He could feel a bit of a cold breeze waft through it and he immediately thought it was for ventilation but it didn't bore straight through to the outside so he wasn't sure.

After taking inventory of his clothing, he went to the storage chest and pulled it open, expecting and empty box. He was wrong, it was completely full of shiny little… bugs. Or whatever they were supposed to be. He picked one up and it immediately crushed between his fingers, exploding in a series of tiny gears and bits. He startled, never having realized he was that heavy handed before. He forced himself to use a bit of gentler touch with the next one and looked it over. It was metal, brown, and looked to be a cross between a grasshopper and a cockroach. It was obviously man made (or Shumi made as the case may have it) but he didn't understand what the purpose was. Its underside held a tiny hole that looked like it could fit a Link cable plug so he decided to experiment and hook one up to his computer.

His computer didn't have a power button, like all of the computers he had come across in his life so far, and it blipped on when he plugged the bug into it. He typed in his model number when prompted, and waited. He was then presented with a map of the entire planet, laid out flat like he had seen in his textbooks. There was a line dividing the Midgar half from the Balamb half, though admittedly the Balamb half was more or less a third. There was a blinking light way at the top of Balamb's territory and he didn't know if it was showing him his current location or the bug's current location. Regardless, the interface on the keyboard changed and gave him a series of options to choose.

_Subject record retrieval_

_Live broadcast_

_Standby and record_

_DNA retrieval_

_Settings_

Leon quickly understood. The chest full of bugs was what he was going to use to watch his Charge with. He browsed the settings and found he could change his preferences for audio and visual records and how to preserve the bug's battery power so it could get the most information over the longest period of time. He also realized that having a chest full of thousands of them was probably necessary and wondered if he would run out over time, and if he did, what he could do about it. He really didn't want to visit with the Elder now, though he knew he would have to. He wanted to stay and play with his new toys and see what he could see. The possibilities were endless.

His door slid open abruptly and Reno stood in the doorway looking surprised. "Whoa!" he blurted. Leon looked to him with a raised brow. "We're supposed to go see the Elder now. The other… guy or whoever came back for us," he said. Leon nodded and closed his computer before following the other Carrier downstairs where their guide was waiting patiently. It smiled again and bowed slightly.

"Hello again. Come with me," it said and headed for the entrance. Reno was taking his time on the stairs, timidly walking down sideways and trying not to slip and fall. Leon waited for him at the bottom of the steps, watching amusedly. The redhead's foot slipped on the last few steps and he stopped himself at the landing, his legs splayed wide in a rather painful version of the splits. Leon snorted and slapped a hand over his mouth to keep the laughter in. Reno's face twisted into a pitiful wince and he whined a bit in the back of his throat.

"Oh my balls," he squeaked quietly. He gave Leon a dramatic frown. "Don't laugh at me man, it's really hard for me."

"Do they not have stairs at your facility?" Leon asked, chuckling a bit.

"They do, but they're not as narrow as these. Augh…" Reno grunted, shakily pushing himself upright and adjusting himself with a scowl. The russet Carrier wandered off towards their guide and the redhead took a minute to get his bearings before teetering after him.

* * *

The Elder, much to Leon's surprise, lived under the enormous tree that towered over all the other buildings. His home was decorated like anyone else's on the inside with the exception of the roots making up part of the walls. It was probably bigger than most everyone else's, of course, but neither Carrier had anything to compare it with other than the inn so they couldn't be too sure. There was a large hole in the middle of the Elder's main living space covered by a rounded dome of glass. The dirt underneath couldn't be seen through the glass, in fact, it was completely black no matter which way Leon looked at it. It perplexed him, but he didn't pry. Their guide went further into the home to summon the Elder.

Both Carriers felt dwarfed by the creature that came into the main living area a few minutes later. While their guide was probably around seven feet tall, the Elder had to be pushing eight feet. Other than the substantial height contrast, the only discernable feature it had compared to everyone else they had seen was a large protrusion that hung down to its elbows that lay flat on its front. It reminded Leon of the vocal sac of a frog that had deflated and gotten too big to retract properly so it lay limp and wrinkly on its chest. It wasn't the most attractive thing he had ever seen but he didn't let it show on his face. Reno, on the other hand, blatantly stared at it, causing the russet Carrier to nudge him harshly to get him to stop being rude. The redhead decided to focus on the floor instead.

"Welcome Carriers," the Elder said, voice deep and rumbling, as it took a seat on a rounded bench across from them. The guide stood off to the side, waiting to be useful again.

"Thank you," Leon said, expecting Reno to do the same. When he stayed silent, the other gave him another nudge.

"Thanks," Reno blurted, fidgeting in his spot. The Elder chuckled and smiled.

"We've done this process several times before with your kind so we're fairly confident in letting you stay here. Mr. Xemnas has discussed your tentative plans with us and we feel they give you both ample resources and time to help you achieve your goals. Do you understand what you are to do?" it asked. Neither Carrier said anything for a few minutes.

"Is there more to it than 'find them and bring them home'?" Reno asked.

"I was referring to where you are to go at certain points in the future and how you use the paperwork Mr. Xemnas has given you," the Elder said.

"I know he has me going to Midgar, which I was going to avoid as much as possible," the redhead said.

"Which, if this were any other situation, I would encourage that thinking. But, from what I understand, your Charge will be going there eventually anyway, so you really just have to wait for him," it said.

"Oh. I didn't know that," Reno deadpanned, mood deflating. "His profile told me he was a bodyguard, I didn't think he'd be in the capitol though. I thought he'd just stay in Gongaga and protect whatever political figure was there."

"I don't know what his role will be once he gets to Midgar, but it's where he will be, that much I know," the Elder said. Reno nodded. "All your paperwork should help you establish yourself there as a resident until such time you can make contact."

"Okay," the redhead said quietly, shuffling his foot, eyes downcast.

"I haven't heard of anything about my Charge going anywhere _but_ Midgar, and I'm supposed to stay in Balamb. How is that productive?" Leon asked, some of his residual annoyance at Xemnas' flippancy radiating over his words.

"If I remember correctly, your Charge is nothing more than a soldier; in which case he will most likely be in the battlefield most of his later years until he is killed. Midgar automatically drafts all able bodied men over the age of sixteen so it is entirely plausible that your Charge will be with the military the entire time after that point. Mr. Xemnas' theory is that you meet him on the battlefield. You cannot join Midgar's military because of the methods they use to produce superior soldiers, you see. So the only alternative is if you join Balamb and take your chances that way," the Elder said. Leon gaped at him.

"I can't fight! I wasn't made for that!" he blurted in his shock. "How… th—no! Xemnas is insane. I can't fight this war for them. That's completely unreasonable," he rambled, glaring ahead of himself, not focusing on anything in particular.

"I agree," the Elder said, surprising the brunette even more. "I don't agree with Mr. Xemnas' methods but he made a good point when I brought up my distaste. He said, and I quote, 'well, 9x8b didn't _have_ to choose a Charge from this plane at all, but he did.' Not that it makes everything better, but he does have a very valid point. Do not fret though, we will help you prepare as much as we can before we ship you off to Balamb. There is much to learn as their methods differ greatly from Midgar's, but I am confident you will catch on quickly."

 _I'm going to die_ , Leon thought, staying quiet.

"Will I be drafted by Midgar?" Reno asked. The Elder shrugged.

"It's up to you to avoid that. I cannot say whether you will or won't. As far as I'm aware, your Charge won't be so perhaps if you follow the steps he takes to stay out of it, things will work in your favor as well."

"Okay," the redhead said with a small nod. Leon suddenly wanted to punch Reno in the face for being so fortunate, but he decided against it.

"What is this war about, anyway?" he asked instead.

"What is every war about?" the Elder asked. Reno looked contemplative for a moment.

"Religion?"

"There is some of that I suppose, yes, but I was referring to energy."

"Oh."

"Like fossil fuels?" Leon asked. The Elder shook his head, his wrinkly sac-like growth jiggling at them. Reno made a slight gagging noise in the back of his throat, though it was doubtful anyone but he and the brunette heard it. Leon shared his sentiments.

"Your world, as I've been told, has a center made of metals, rock and fire, yes?"

"In theory, yes," Leon said.

"Ours does not. The core of this world is much much larger than yours and is made of energy."

"Everything has energy," the brunette said confusedly.

"But this is different than what you're thinking about. The core, the Lifestream as we call it, is real, physical, tangible energy that embodies every living thing on this planet."

"That's impossible. You can't hold energy in your hand."

"Of course you can. You can drill down into the center of this planet and suck the energy up like water through a hollow reed. That's exactly what Midgar is doing."

"Is your core that huge that the people here can actually reach it?"

"Yes, though in our defense, our planet is much smaller than yours. We have a lot of similarities on the surface, but anything deeper than that and it's completely different," the Elder said.

"Okay, so… Midgar is part of this planet too, why can't they drill and use the energy? Why is that bad?" Leon asked, furrowing his brows together.

"Because there is a finite amount. Everything is cyclical. We draw energy from the earth in order to live, and when we die, we give it back. Balamb is the embodiment of using that method for everything they do. Even their military uses the planet's energy in that fashion. They draw it up, use it, and then give it back. But Midgar is different. Their energy doesn't return. They keep it locked up in their… power plants and machines and recycle it through their infrastructure instead of returning it back to the planet. They are very powerful because of it, but it's killing everything around them. In retaliation, the Lifestream is trying to pull away from their lands, so Midgar started taking over more territories to keep themselves afloat, and that's how it all started."

"The Lifestream… reacted to them?" Reno asked confusedly. The Elder nodded.

"That is what my people believe. A lot of Balamb's people agree with us in that respect so I suppose that's where the religious aspect comes into the war. Regardless of whether you agree with us or not is irrelevant but it is what's happening. Midgar is sucking the planet dry and Balamb has been trying for many years to stop them."

"But Balamb is losing?" the redhead persisted.

"Yes, because the more energy Midgar pulls from the Lifestream, the less power they have in order to keep fighting. They persist because they're trying to give as much time as possible to their people even though they know it's a fruitless endeavor. On the other hand, the more people that die in battle, the more energy that is released and is drawn back into the planet. So in essence, the war is what is stalling the end, but it's also what's causing it. My people gave Mr. Xemnas the timeline of fifty more years before he should stop sending your kind here. We don't see Balamb surviving much past that point and anyone left here from your world will most assuredly perish along with us."

"Once the Lifestream is gone, will the planet just… implode?" Leon asked.

"We are not sure. But what we know will happen is that all of our plant life will die and there will be no more food for us or the animals, or fresh air to breathe. We will either suffocate, or starve. Whichever comes first," the Elder said, completely calm and straight faced. Reno and Leon stared at him.

 _How can you be so at ease?_ Leon thought.

"What will stop the war?" Reno asked.

"Midgar would have to stop advancing, and adopt Balamb's way of doing things so that the cycle continues and is everlasting. Before they discovered that they could drill into the earth and pull up the Lifestream, the two nations were essentially the same in that respect."

"You have a sun, correct?" Leon asked abruptly. The Elder thought for a moment.

"The star in the sky that makes light for us during the day? Yes. We have one of those."

"Has no one ever heard of solar energy?" the Carrier pressed.

"Solar?" the Elder asked confusedly. The guide bent to the side and spoke quietly into the other Shumi's ear for a few moments. The Elder's face suddenly conveyed that of a grand realization before he nodded several times. "Yes, yes, the sun's energy. We have knowledge of it. Balamb does, and they use it during the day to power their homes so they put less strain on the planet. They only started doing that within the last decade if I recall correctly."

"Why not send a message to Midgar and tell them that resource is available too? Maybe they'd stop?" Leon asked.

"The technology is new to us. Their methods now are actually more cost effective than it would be to destroy all their power plants and restart. I wouldn't doubt that Balamb has tried to tell them that there are alternatives. Wind energy is another one, but they won't listen. Their lifestyles are relatively carefree as I understand it, and the amount of work needed to fix everything would inconvenience them greatly. It's selfish, to say the least, but it's the truth."

"That's just lazy," Reno scoffed.

"It is, yes," the Elder agreed.

 _Why fix what isn't broken?_ Leon asked himself.

"At any rate, that is the story. I do not suspect your involvement in the war will matter much to the eventual outcome," it said, looking to the brunette.

"I know."

"I wouldn't worry too much. As I said, we will prepare you as much as possible. If you're lucky, and work hard enough, you could show up in Balamb with enough talent to convince them to keep you out of the fighting to a certain extent. Perhaps some sort of intelligence operation rather than combat. That could be something to work for. Then again, I could just be old and foolish. My people are peaceful, and though our support lies with Balamb, we do not pretend to give them any actual assistance. For all we know, Balamb is just as terrible as Midgar even if they're helping the planet. That's really our only concern, the Lifestream and its integrity."

"Which is the good way to be in my opinion," Reno said. The Elder smiled.

"I'm glad you agree. Now, as far as your stay here in the village with us goes, we will assist you both in your efforts as much as we can, as I said, but we are not your servants otherwise. We will teach you our ways, but after that point, you're on your own. It has been the agreement with everyone of your kind that has come through here and they all adapted accordingly. Don't stay up all night toiling away, we will start in the morning."

* * *

Leon spent the majority of the next two hours trying to figure out what he was supposed to be doing with the tiny metal bugs he had found in his storage chest. Yes, they were cameras but he had no idea how to make them get to where Cloud's parents were. It wasn't like they could just melt through the rock ceiling outside. He was stumped, and sat at his desk staring boredly at the map on his computer screen, while pushing the little latch to the hole in his wall around with his finger. He felt another cool breeze come through the opening and he decided to try something. He hooked one of the camera bugs up to his computer, and told it to ' _live broadcast.'_ He unhooked it again and set it on his desk and it stood still, showing him a picture of his wall as it broadcasted what it could see. The interface on his keyboard changed to a series of buttons and controls and he found he could drive the tiny thing around like a remote control car.

He shoved the bug into the hole in the wall and made it start climbing up and up and up. There was an option to increase the speed and he nudged the percentage higher and higher the longer it was taking the bug to find anything of worth. It eventually got to the point where the device was going so incredibly fast that Leon couldn't see the details of the tube anymore as it zoomed past everything, heading towards a light at the end of the tunnel. It broke the surface and popped out the other side, only to be bombarded by a sea of white. Snow whipped past its tiny lenses, skewing everything it could see. But, the computer continued to work as a tiny progress bar appeared on the screen and started to fill. Leon decided to wait and see what was happening.

_Subject detected. Broadcast data?_

"Yeah, okay," Leon said to no one in particular and pushed the 'yes' button. The bug immediately took flight and started zooming through the snow to find its target. A countdown appeared where the progress bar used to be. The seconds started ticking away quickly.

_Estimated time of arrival: 4:38:04 hours_

Leon vaguely wondered how fast the bug was traveling. He couldn't see much on the screen, just blurs of varying colors whizzing by, so he assumed it was rather fast. He had no idea where Cloud's parents were in the world, but so long as the bug did, he didn't care. He just hoped that Xemnas' records were complete enough to where he wouldn't end up watching some random people that had nothing to do with his Charge. He watched the seconds pass and realized it was _really_ boring and debated on taking a nap. Then he remembered he had nothing to set an alarm with so he might actually miss something worthwhile. So he decided he was hungry and left his room to scour the tiny kitchen area to see what he could see.

"This salad is like… the best thing I have ever tasted, oh my god," Reno blurted from his spot at their little dining table. He stuffed another forkful of foliage into his mouth and Leon scowled as it was clear that far too much food had been jammed in there already.

"Wonderful," he muttered, going to the refrigerator.

"Ith like…" the redhead trailed with his mouth full, kicking his feet a bit as he thought about what he was going to say. He swallowed before speaking again. "It's like a really satisfying orgasm after not masturbating for like… three weeks," he said, pursing his lips thoughtfully. He nodded, confirming with himself that yes, his description of the leafy greens was accurate.

"…That was way more information than I needed to hear, thanks," the brunette said, furrowing his brows together. He pulled the refrigerator open and found that there was only one plate sitting on the shelf. Cubes of orangey-pink… something sat there staring at him. He had no idea what it was but since Reno obviously had his food, he assumed that the plate was his and he took it. Begrudgingly, he sat at the table across from his companion.

"Oh come on, you can't sit there and tell me you've never had a satisfying wank before. I was just trying to give you an idea of how awesome this salad is," Reno said.

"You could've just said 'this salad is really good' and I would've gotten the idea. Masturbation really wasn't what I was expecting to talk about during mealtime so forgive me if I'm not as forthcoming. I prefer to keep that to myself," Leon said, picking up a cube and squishing it between his fingers. Reno waved a dismissive hand at him and rolled his eyes.

"You're _way_ too serious."

"Why? Because I won't share my private moments with you?"

"See, that's what I'm talking about. You get all defensive and snippy right away when I didn't even keep after you to tell me. You need to relax, my friend. You don't have to tell me anything, I was just trying to crack a joke and get the conversation going. No need to bite my head off about it," the redhead grumbled, poking at his greens with his fork sullenly.

"Did it ever occur to you that you might've stepped over a line somewhere in the first few milliseconds of this 'conversation?' Or should I start expecting you to start every meal off like this?" Leon grumped, shoving a cube in his mouth. He discovered that it was fish, and that he liked it. It was much fresher than anything he had tasted before and wondered if the fish back home would taste just as good or if was just that plane's fish.

"Fine. I'm sorry," Reno huffed. Several tense minutes of silence passed. "So… did you figure out what we're supposed to do with our computers?"

"Yes," Leon deadpanned and continued eating. Reno stared at him, expecting an elaboration but got nothing as the brunette blatantly ignored him.

"Can you give me a clue?" he persisted, the annoyance slowly creeping into his tone.

"Have you found your cameras yet?"

"Cameras?"

"In the chest at the end of your bed there should be a bunch of little cameras. Plug one into the computer and type in your model number. Then shove it through the hole in the wall and wait," Leon explained, assuming their bedrooms were in fact, identical.

"Oh is that what that hole is? I thought it was some sort of weird mail chute or something."

 _I'm sort of surprised you didn't tell me you tried to stick your penis in it_ , Leon thought, staying quiet otherwise. For as well informed as Reno may have been at their first meeting, the brunette's opinion of him was quickly losing substance. He couldn't decide if the redhead was just stupid or simply oblivious of social faux pas.

"I'll have to try it out. I wonder what Rude's parents are like…" Reno trailed thoughtfully.

"Rude is your Charge?"

"Yeah."

 _The fuck is with the names in this place? God damn_ , the brunette said to himself.

"What's your Charge's name?" Reno asked.

"Cloud."

"Nice!" the redhead barked before bursting into laughter. Leon didn't give him the satisfaction of joining in and Reno quickly sobered and hunched in his seat. "Sorry," he muttered quietly.

"I've already had my laughs at his expense."

"And I thought Rude had a bad one," the redhead twittered, perking up. "But you're supposed to join Balamb's military to go find him, yeah? Aren't you scared?" he asked. Leon shrugged.

"I don't know how well the Shumi will help me prepare, so I can't say for certain how I'll feel before I have to leave. Right now, it's not worth worrying about. I don't like it, but I can't change it. Everything the Elder said was true though, I didn't _have_ to come here in the first place. And Xemnas, though I hate to admit it, probably came up with the best way to meet up with my Charge. How else am I supposed to meet up with a soldier when I shouldn't make contact with him until he's seventeen? If the draft starts at sixteen, well, then my chances are slim that I would be able to get his attention otherwise."

"The battlefield isn't exactly the most ideal place for a romantic date, you know?"

"And I'm not going to concern myself with romance before I get him to cross over with me."

"…Well how else are you going to get him to go with you? You have to make _some_ kind of connection. Fucking him is probably the quickest way to do that if you think about it."

"Is that your plan with Rude?" Leon asked, looking up from his plate with a raised skeptical brow. Reno looked contemplative for a moment, chewing on a leaf slowly. He shrugged and nodded some.

"Something like that, yeah. Maybe not so much just… fucking him, but the romance part is really what I was after. I don't have much of a plan otherwise. I could probably impress him with how much stronger than him I probably am but then what do I have to bargain with? 'Follow me if you love me' is way more of a valid reason versus 'follow me if you want uh… big cow muscles like mine?'" Reno said, making a disgruntled face. Leon shrugged.

"It depends on how vain he is, and if he's dumb enough to believe you. Though, I can agree with your argument. I just don't want to hedge my bets around the idea of romance when that is probably the most finicky way to get someone to follow you. You can never know what they're truly thinking so you can't ever be one hundred percent sure of the outcome. Then, if they completely reject you, not only did you fail, but your pride gets a massive kick in the balls and that's just an all around lose/lose for me. I'd rather rely on more solid methods."

"Like what? Tie him to the portal and force him through?"

"Possibly."

"…You're kidding."

"Yes I am," Leon said dryly, giving Reno a completely straight face. The redhead let out a nervous laugh with a lopsided grin.

"You can't say shit like that with such a serious face. I'm way too gullible for that," he said. The brunette gave him a curt smile.

"Sounds like a personal problem."

"I know, right? This one time, my cousin Drake gave me this tiny orange pepper and was all like 'dude, you have to try these things, you'll love them.' Keep in mind I'm like, two weeks old and have no fucking clue what a pepper is and so I was all like 'dur, okay!' and ate the damn thing. My mouth, my throat, and my ass were on fire for a _week_. Drake thought it was funny. It took me a while to think it was funny too but I didn't talk to him for a while after that," Reno said. Leon stared at him for a few quiet seconds.

"Did you seriously just tell me that?" he asked.

"Yeah…" the redhead trailed, tone sounding unsure.

"Why would you openly admit that?" Leon asked confusedly. Reno shrugged.

"I don't know. Funny stories are fun to share?"

"I'll take your word for it," the brunette sighed and continued eating.

"Do you not have anything fun to share?"

"I'm not very exciting."

"No shit," Reno snorted, garnering a glare from the other Carrier. "But everyone has something funny that's happened to them."

"Nothing jumps out at me," Leon said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"What, did you just not talk to anyone ever?"

"I talked plenty. Just, not much of it was for entertainment value. It was education mostly, and the one person I did talk to outside of that was a real depressing son of a bitch so I kept our conversations neutral. Again, not very exciting."

"Why was he depressing?"

"I met him the day his Charge died."

"Holy fuck."

"My sentiments exactly."

"And there was no one else to talk to?" Reno asked, scrunching his brows together.

"I don't have a family, so no, not really. I was busy studying most of the time anyway."

"Your life sounds about as dry as a piece of burnt toast in the desert. God damn," the redhead said with a deep sigh. The brunette shrugged again.

"I didn't notice. Like I said, I was studying."

"All the time?"

"All the time."

"Fuck, dude. So like… you've probably never actually had a satisfying wank before, have you?" Reno asked curiously, leaning over his plate and giving Leon a scrutinizing eye. The brunette sat back in his seat with a scowl. "I suddenly have the visual of you having to sign a stack of paperwork and negotiating with your testicles before you even get anywhere."

"I'd really rather not discuss my private life with you. I thought we had that understanding," the brunette growled.

"But now I'm genuinely interested in figuring out how boring your _really_ are. I've never met someone who didn't have a story to tell. That, to me, is fascinating."

"And what did you expect me to say? That I floundered around like a pissant twat for four years before I came here? That I might have some asinine story about how I fell for someone else's stupidity and got my ass handed to me because of it? Well, sorry. I don't have any of those stories because I actually take my work seriously and focused on what I needed to do to prepare as much as I could to get here. So fuck off. What you consider boring, I consider progress and worthwhile. Don't insult me by expecting so little of me," Leon barked, sending an acidic glare across the table. Reno blinked at him a few times.

"You're only four years old?" he asked, completely letting the rest of the brunette's tirade slide.

"Yes," the russet Carrier clipped.

"…Damn," Reno said, furrowing his brows together.

"Why does that matter?"

"It doesn't. I'm just a little surprised."

"Why?"

"Well… I'm twenty-six. I took my time and did everything at my own pace."

"I don't have the luxury of sitting on my laurels like you."

"Why? Was someone threatening you to get started?"

"No. I just couldn't sit around and wait."

"Because…?" Reno trailed, urging the brunette to continue. Leon simply stared at him and shrugged. "Just because?"

"Because I need a family, yes. Is that not the point of all this?"

"Well yeah, but you didn't have to start _that_ quickly."

"I wanted to. I don't need your approval to expect your respect," Leon grumbled and stood from his seat.

"I'm impressed you found the right Charge so soon though. It took me forever to find Rude, but when I did, I knew that he was the one I wanted. It was such a relief to feel that sense of being… complete, like I was making serious progress and moving forward. You're lucky you got to feel that so quickly," Reno said, smiling up at the brunette. Leon just stared at him blankly. The redhead's expression faded as the silence ballooned between them. "You picked Cloud because you felt he was right for you, yeah? That he was your other half?"

 _I wasn't aware I was supposed to have immediate feelings for a picture on a computer screen,_ Leon thought.

"…Well no wonder you don't have any desire for romance," Reno muttered to himself when the other didn't answer him. The brunette ignored his comment and how much it irked him and went to put his empty plate in the sink. He didn't say anything else as he bypassed Reno and headed for his bedroom.

He had a countdown to watch.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"‡†—‹‐ ¬…" trailed a voice Leon couldn't really understand. It was a woman, that much was certain, but in his hazy sleep deprived state, he couldn't force himself to establish where the voice was coming from or what he should do about it. He had fallen asleep at his desk and it took him several moments to realize that he did.

"ǂ‡¬ɨ—‹‹?" came a male's response. It was a deep, gravelly voice and sounded very much how Leon felt. Sleepy. He pried one of his eyes open and immediately regretted it as the light from his computer screen seared his corneas from his face and replaced them with barbed wire. He pulled a hand up and rubbed at his eye, concentrating on sitting upright. He was sore in just about every place imaginable, having spent the better part of five hours hunched over on his desk with his face resting on his arms. There were a few listless sighs and the sound of bedclothes rustling around coming from in front of him and he quickly remembered he was supposed to be paying attention.

When he opened his eyes properly he was very surprised to find an extreme close up of a very feminine and very naked backside standing from a bed and stretching before the rest of the body padded away out of the camera's sight. Leon was then able to see the bare back of a man a short distance away, who didn't seem as willing to get up from his spot amongst the pillows. There was a loud squeak from a door's hinges in the distance. The Carrier blearily blinked at the screen, trying to assess the surroundings while the activity was stopped. He inched the tiny camera around, trying not to be too obvious, just in case the man decided to roll over and squash it.

It was evident within barely a minute that Cloud's parents were far from wealthy. The darkness of the room wasn't helping matters, he was sure, but from what he could see, everything was very dingy and lacking much in the ways of luster. The walls had dirty peeling wallpaper, the carpeting was threadbare, the furnishings seemed well used, like that had been and passed around for many years, and the bed clothes weren't much better. There was electricity though, as far as Leon could see. There was a door not too far across the room where a stream of light was coming out from under it and the flush of a toilet told him they had plumbing. He looked around at his own bedroom and suddenly felt guilty.

The woman came back and scooted into the bed and sat next to the man and leaned over his shoulder, looking down at his face. The lack of proper lighting was making it hard to tell what color hair she had, but it was dark, that much he could see. The man's was much lighter. Their backs were to him so Leon couldn't see their faces very well either. The woman's hair went past her shoulders and created a curtain that brushed over the man's arm as she peered at him. She muttered quiet words Leon couldn't hear very well and rubbed the man's back, bending forward to kiss his shoulder gently.

"ɤ†—ɻ‹…" the man grumbled. The woman giggled a bit and continued pecking his shoulder.

 _I should probably be paying attention to whatever they're saying_ , Leon thought. His groggy brain really wasn't cooperating with him though.

"‹⌐⌐ǂ‐?" she asked, causing the man to turn a bit and look over his shoulder in order to see her. They stared at one another for several silent minutes.

"˸—‹!" the man growled playfully and rolled back just enough to hook his arm around the woman's waist and yank her over his side and down onto the mattress in front of him. She squealed and flailed about before she could get her bearings again. She settled and snaked her arms around his chest and hugged him. Leon really had to force himself to get past the fact that Cloud's mother had unknowingly flashed just about every bit of herself at him. He wasn't expecting so much exposure so quickly and couldn't even focus on her face when it happened. The woman was practically his eventual mother-in-law, and he really didn't feel he needed to see her like that.

Every second of mild shock he felt was suddenly obliterated with a whole new mentality of ' _oh_ _ **fuck**_ _no_ ' when he could hear the wet parting of lips as the two on his screen started kissing. They didn't even give him a chance to turn the camera away before the man rolled on top of her and her legs automatically kicked the blanket off him so she could wrap the limbs around his waist.

"Oh my god…" Leon groaned to himself, holding his face in his hands as Cloud's parents immediately began having sex in front of him without any sort of foreplay or anything to warn him to just _not_ pay attention. He couldn't even bring himself to try and find the button that would make the camera bug stop the broadcast because that would mean looking at the computer. Keeping his eyes closed, he reached forward blindly for the top lid of the machine and closed it, hoping the bug would get the idea to stop. But no, the sounds of Cloud's mother moaning away echoed out of the device despite his best efforts.

He plugged his ears with his fingers and hummed to himself while he waited a good twenty minutes for it all to end. When he let himself listen again, all was quiet. He inched the computer open again and took a peek. The woman had somehow wrangled herself on top of the man and was using his chest as a pillow. Again, her face was turned away from the camera, but her hair was pulled over her shoulder in front of her so the man could run his fingers through the ends of it gently. The blanket had been pulled up over them, much to Leon's relief, and was tucked under the woman's arm. She reached forward and stopped the man's hand from moving through her hair and intertwined their fingers together, pulling them both towards herself to hug to her chest. The man's free hand rubbed her back instead.

Several questions popped into the Carrier's head the longer the quiet moment dragged on. How old were these people? And how is it that the man isn't in the military? There were several answers, some of which Leon preferred over the alternatives. They could've both been extremely young despite their adult appearances, the man had a more important job doing something else other than fighting, they were in hiding, or there was something wrong with him that the military didn't want him. He started to pick off the possibilities. They both sounded too mature to be so young. If Cloud was uneducated the likelihood that the man had any sort of significant job was very improbable. Their squalor living space, so far, suggested that they could've been in hiding and living off what they had. All of those possibilities didn't bother Leon as much as the idea that there might be something wrong with Cloud's father.

The man shifted the woman around and leaned forward enough to kiss the top of her head and mutter something into her hair. She scooted off of him and he sat up and scooted to the edge of the bed. He reached over the side and reached around for something before pulling up a cane or a sort of walking stick and used it to help himself stand. Leon scowled as the man teetered in his place a bit and turned to head around the bed. There was a large brown smear of something starting from the man's hip and trailed down his leg all the way past his knee. As far as the Carrier could tell it was just the one leg, but it forced the man to walk with a severe limp regardless. Curious, Leon drove the little camera bug to follow him into the bathroom.

Witnessing another man urinate wasn't exactly the Carrier's idea of a party but at the very least he could relate to the experience. Plus, he wasn't really there for the show as much as he was trying to figure out what was wrong with the man. The smear on his leg was actually a spattering of speckles in tight clusters that dotted his skin in varying shades of brown and green. The stippling was darker at the top and faded as it trailed down the limb. In the light of the tiny washroom, Leon discovered an extra detail that made his heart sink into the pit of his stomach in realization. The man's leg hair was white. The Carrier tilted the camera up to look at the back of his head and confirmed that it was a complete body hair bleaching which he doubted was natural.

Before he could jump to conclusions, the Carrier stopped himself. He had no idea what geostigma looked like and for all he knew the man he was watching could die in two months and the woman could move onto someone else. Maybe the next man was Cloud's father. He really only had to keep an eye on the woman since it was hard to have two mothers and have a parental debate about which vagina the baby came out of, whereas sperm could come from anywhere. Leon forced the little camera bug under the door to leave the man to his business and went back to the side table next to the bed where he had started. He went underneath it this time with the intention of leaving it there for the night.

There was something there waiting for him when he ducked behind the table leg though. It was an actual insect that looked exactly like his camera. At first glance he thought he had found another Carrier's camera but as the insect twitched around and used it's mandibles to lick its front legs to run them over its antenna it was clearly not. Then there was another one. And another one. Leon's gut twisted as he realized the house was literally _infested_ with the vermin and why his camera wasn't going to be worried about if it was seen.

 _I need to sleep_ , he told himself before he could start off on a mental tangent on the possible diseases the insects could be carrying and how disgusting the concept really was. He put the camera bug on standby and told the computer to hibernate before closing it and going to his bed. It was just about the most comfortable piece of furniture he had ever put his face on. He was asleep in minutes, his dreams sure to be plagued with visions of his practical in-laws having sex in a bed of diseased insects.

So cozy.

* * *

A gentle hand was running through Leon's hair, pulling the brunette out of his nearly dead sleeping state. It took him a few minutes to realize that some foreign person was in the room with him and he was torn between wanting to punch whoever it was and letting them continue. He met himself in the middle and peeled an eye open to see who it was and all he could see was a pair of deep blue eyes flanked by red crescents. Reno cracked a wide grin and patted the brunette's head a few times.

"The _fuck_ are you doing in my room?" Leon growled, the urge to beat the other into a bloody pulp just a hair away from becoming a reality.

"Being a creeper," Reno said happily and stood. "We're supposed to get up and start learning, remember?"

"So that gives you permission to come in here and… pet me?"

"Yeah basically."

"Right. So when I decide that I want to turn your hide into a nice pair of shoes, what insignificant excuse should I give you?"

"…You're terrible," the redhead said, scowling deeply.

"Get out of my room."

"Get up. We need to go."

"I _am_ up. Go away."

"Are you going to come out and do what we're supposed to or go back to sleep after I leave?"

"Get out!" Leon barked, sitting up and sending the other a nasty glare. Reno scoffed at him and stuck his middle finger in the air before leaving in a huff. The brunette sat in his bed grumpily for several minutes, letting his annoyance an anger swirl around before letting it go. Regardless of how annoying the intrusion had been, Reno was right. He needed to get up anyway. He shuffled out of bed and went to his closet and rifled through the flowing fabrics to try and find something he could wear that he wouldn't drown in. He couldn't find anything, so he settled for a pair of whispy pants and whatever t-shirt he could pull out that seemed to match. He contemplated shoes, and then decided against them. When he left his bedroom, he registered that Reno had picked essentially the same outfit but in a different color.

"I wonder if there's someone in town that can take these up a few inches," Reno trailed, mostly to himself, as he wiggled one of his legs, letting the excess fabric fall over his foot. Leon silently agreed with him.

"Do we not get to eat or bathe?" the brunette asked grumpily. The redhead shrugged.

"Maybe if you got up earlier you would've had time for a shower, but no, no breakfast as far as I can tell."

"How was I supposed to know when we were supposed to be up?"

"I had no idea, honestly, I just set an alarm for early o'clock. I've been up for like… three hours."

"Where is there an alarm?"

"…On our computers?"

"Oh," Leon deadpanned, feeling a bit foolish but not letting on that he did.

"Anyway. That guy is back again," Reno said and held his pants up as he made his way to the staircase. Leon followed after him. The redhead was taking his good old time trying not to fall down the stairs. The brunette's patience ran out about halfway down and simply hopped the six feet off the side of the staircase to the floor below. The landing hurt his feet a bit, and he made a mental note not to make it a habit, but at least it saved him another twenty minutes of pussyfooting around. Their guide was waiting, as expected, and smiled at them both as they approached.

"Reno, you will be accompanying Ulma to the fields and Squall, you will be going with Urae to the stream," the guide said before turning to leave. There were two more Shumi waiting outside for them. One was taller than the other, and the shorter of the two was a little pudgy. The guide led Reno over to the taller one and they shared a few words before leaving together. Leon approached the pudgy one, who he assumed was Urae, and gave it a small smile. "I wish you luck," the guide said before leaving quietly.

"So uh… hi," Leon said. Urae smiled.

"Hello, we're going fishing today," it said. Its voice was lighter and more airy than the guide's but it still confused the Carrier to no end when he tried to decipher a gender.

"Okay…" the brunette trailed, a bit unsure. Urae chuckled in the same gurgly-hissing way everyone else seemed to.

"We do not have any livestock or sources of red meat here; there simply isn't enough room, so your alternative for a constant food source is fish. There are some birds to be had in the marketplace but the free meals are in the stream. There are several different kinds we catch here so there is some variety, but I'm sure it's not as thrilling as red meat, so for that I apologize."

"Oh. No, it's fine. I like fish," Leon said.

"That is good. There are a few good places to go, but the widest variety can be found by the deltas, so that's where we're headed today. After your lesson for the day, you will be on your own as far as food his concerned," Urae said. It looked the Carrier over. "Perhaps after we're finished I'll take you to the sewing plaza and we can get some proper measurements for you."

"I'd appreciate that, thank you."

* * *

The delta was essentially a pool at the end of one of the many streams that had seawater trickling in through the rock walls surrounding it. The entire area looked like a blue-gray amphitheater of stone overhang with patches of moss and flowering lichens dotting the walls. It was dim and smelled salty, but Leon didn't really mind. The shore was shallow, but there was a small wooden dock for people to sit on as well as a small hut that housed fishing equipment for anyone to use. The Carrier was surprised no one seemed to care about security in the village and had mixed feelings about it. He still wished his bedroom door would lock.

"There are several tunnels under the rock that the fish come in and out of from the sea and several more travel downstream from the freshwater pools as well, so those would be the best places to cast your line," Urae said as it dug out a short fishing rod and handed it off to the brunette. Leon held the thing confusedly. It was little more than a flexible reed with a line of twine hanging off the end and a hook. He didn't expect much, but at the very least he had expected a reel. Then again, as he looked around, anywhere that had the highest probability of a successful catch was within throwing distance. The twine was weighted with a lure already, but Urae didn't offer any bait. It took a bucket from the hut and went to sit on the dock, tossing the line a fair distance in near the back wall. Leon followed the Shumi's lead and tossed his own line in not too far away.

"Is this all I need to do today?" the Carrier asked quietly after several moments of silence.

"Just about, yes. Once night falls, we will attend the evening ceremony and then you're free to do as you wish."

"Evening ceremony?"

"Yes. Every evening, the entire village meets in the cathedral to give thanks to the Lifestream for providing us with life and everything we need to live comfortable lives."

"…Oh," Leon said, a bit unsure of the idea.

"It is required if you are to stay here. It would be disrespectful to not attend," Urae said, giving the brunette a meaningful look. The Carrier nodded.

"Alright," he agreed, seeing how little of a choice he had.

"That is really the only thing we do not give you choice about. Everything else you can do without if you feel the need. Though, it would be rather difficult to function without any food so I would suggest not foregoing fishing."

"Right. You said there are birds in the market but fishing is free? What sort of currency would I need if I wanted to try something in the market?"

"We accept Gil, which everyone in the world takes, but the different mint marks change the value from region to region. What costs one hundred Gil in Balamb, can cost thirty Gil in Midgar, but you may need more Gil with Balamb's insignia in order to equate to thirty Gil in Midgar. Since you don't actually have any money, we also use the barter system which is more prevalent in the village. We usually use Balamb's Gil for minor trading with merchants if we need something specific, but it's hardly a necessity to get what you want. Oftentimes someone will ask you to do some work for them in exchange for whatever it is. Mostly errands and simple things. But, in order to do that you would need to be relatively familiar with the village itself so you don't take hours to do a simple task and waste your time."

"I see," Leon said.

"Going to the evening ceremonies is a good way to meet the people. It's very social."

"I'll keep it in mind."

A pregnant silence hung between them. The Carrier, if nothing else, was extremely bored. Fishing was quickly becoming a chore if only by the sheer effort it took to stay awake. Urae didn't feel the need to remain alert as a faint snort followed by some light hissing brought Leon's attention to it. The Shumi had fallen asleep sitting up, fishing pole in hand, and a droop to its features. He sighed, his patience wearing thin. He set his pole aside and went back to the supply hut to root around and see what he could see. Aside from some excess twine and flexible rods, and a couple buckets, there was little else there. He took a bucket and walked along the stream bed, looking in the crystal clear water for anything edible.

The water was shallow, hardly up to his thighs. That, combined with his limited patience sparked a bit of ingenuity on his part. The stream was filled with a lot of tiny fish, versus anything big enough to serve as one meal and he was really curious to see how much substance they had. If a bunch of crunchy easy to catch fish were all he could get in the shortest amount of time, then he'd settle for that and leave the extensive rod fishing to when he needed a nap. The hardest part of scooping up a bunch of fish in a bucket was keeping his pants dry. The excess fabric really didn't help him at all but he managed to get a few tiny guppies in the bucket with only the bottom hems of his pant legs getting wet.

He sat in the grass and gently used his hands to block the fish from flopping free as he drained most of excess water out of the pail. He was then able to scoop one up in his hand. It wasn't much bigger than his palm and wasn't pointy or obnoxiously colored to make him think it was poisonous. But as he held it and let it die, he was a bit surprised when its gaping mouth burped up a shiny green… thing. The thing started to float away from him and he reached out a finger and poked it. It stuck to his fingertip and he was able to smear it around with his thumb a bit. It was warm and tingly. It had a faint glow to it, as if he had smashed a lightning bug in his hand, but it didn't have a specific texture. It confused him. He dropped his dead fish back in the bucket and took it back to the dock where Urae was still snoozing.

"Hey…" he said, nudging the Shumi on the shoulder gently. Urae snorted a bit before looking at him sleepily.

"Hmm? My apologies, fishing is too relaxing for me," it said with a light chuckle. Leon stuck his hand out.

"What is this?" he asked. The Shumi looked the substance over briefly.

"That's the Lifestream," it said simply. The Carrier furrowed his brows together. Urae leaned over and blew a quick breath of air over Leon's fingers and the substance simply drifted off and pulled itself together again into the neat little ball it had started as. It floated off towards the rock wall gently. Once it made contact, it oozed into the stone slowly until it was completely gone.

 _That's impossible_ , Leon thought to himself, glaring at the wall where the spot had disappeared.

"Where did you find it?" the Shumi asked.

"Uh," the Carrier blurted, sticking his hand in his bucket and retrieving the dead fish and holding it out.

"Ah, yes," Urae said with a sage nod. "The Lifestream embodies every living thing in this world. While we live, we're borrowing the energy from the earth. The fish died, so it gave its energy back to the Lifestream. It's as simple as that," it explained.

"There are so many theories from my plane that would explain how impossible that all is."

"And yet it happened. Is seeing not believing?"

"I'm… just having a hard time pushing all of my studies aside just so I can try and believe something I've never seen before," Leon said as he folded his legs under himself, setting the fish in front of himself and watching it closely as if he expected something amazing to happen.

"Is it really so difficult to accept that another existence may work differently than your own? Your kind travel all over the different planes, probably finding places stranger than this one, and you still question the validity of how their lives work?"

"But it doesn't make sense to me," Leon defended.

"And it probably won't until you see more of it. We don't know what the Lifestream is in an analytical sense, but we know it exists and we know it's necessary for life. It is precious and worth dying for in order to protect it. My people take it very seriously. I'm sorry if it confuses you, but it would be beneficial to try and understand our perspective."

"Possibly…" the brunette trailed, pushing the fish's fin around with his finger. "If every living thing needs the Lifestream, why don't the plants we walk on explode in a bunch of… energy fuzz or whatever that thing was?"

"Wisps are what we call those things; the embodiment of the Lifestream that we can feel and touch. The plants do not have access points for them to escape from like the animals and we do. They return their energy right back into the earth through their roots."

"Oh," Leon deadpanned. The more he thought about it, the less sense it made, and the greater his burgeoning headache became. He pushed the concept aside, hedging his bets that he'd understand later down the line, and picked up his fish. "Can I eat this? I didn't get to have breakfast."

"I would suggest trying to remove the innards first. The whole thing is edible but it may taste better if those were gone. The bones are soft as well and should be digestible. There may be a small blade in the storage hut if you need one."

"Alright," Leon said and went to fix his meal.

* * *

Urae was clearly better at fishing. It caught several larger fish in only a couple hours while its Carrier companion failed to get anything after his initial tiny guppies. Leon helped the Shumi clean and debone the fish, earning himself a couple fillets to take home with him though. At least it wasn't a total loss. He went back to the inn and set them in the refrigerator and dragged himself into the bathroom to shower. Urae said he still had a few hours before the evening ceremony and he had the intention of spending every second scalding his tired muscles off his skeleton.

Of course, after forty-five minutes he was feeling a bit water logged so he flopped into his bedroom and buried his face in his pillows. He contemplated trying to see if Cloud's parents were doing anything interesting other than having sex. He turned his face to the side just enough to stare at the thin computer across his room. He thought about a nap, but the longer he lay there the more curious he became. He eventually just tucked himself under the covers with the computer on his lap. It took a few minutes for the bug to pick up the signal again and when it did, Leon could see it was right where he had left it, but the people were nowhere in sight.

He made a conscious effort to remember the other language he was taught as he made the camera bug scoot out of the bedroom from under the door. The only other room that made the house was a larger common area with a small kitchen and a sitting area where there was a television, coffee table, and a sofa. The walls had more peeling wallpaper but behind that, Leon could see that they were made of countless different types of materials, all of which had been tacked together. The house may have had running water and electricity, but it was a shack at best. The guilt of having more than his Charge's parents did picked at him the more he saw.

The woman was in the kitchen, at a counter, making something to eat, or so Leon assumed. The man, on the other hand, was sprawled out on the sofa, looking rather uncomfortable. His infected leg was propped up and his cane was nearby, but the Carrier ignored all those tiny details and was fixated on his eyes. They had a distinct sheen to them, a slight glow, as Zack had described. Leon's attention was pulled away from him when the woman came and sat on the floor in front of the couch and held up a plate of food to him. Leon quickly made the camera bug crawl up the back of the seat and peek over the edge so he could see better.

"You need to eat something," the woman said quietly, giving the man worried eyes. Even though the only light in the room was coming from the tiny television, the Carrier could see she was incredibly beautiful. Her features were delicate, thin, almost on the edge of being unhealthy but her bright hazel eyes betrayed all of that. Her hair was lustrous and fell around her cheekbones in well kept layers. Her eyebrows were thin and shaped nicely, and her lips were small, but not insignificant. The man wasn't exactly ugly either, but was plain in Leon's eyes compared to the woman. He looked like any other generic person he had come across in his short life, and aside from the startling white hair and glowing sea foam eyes, nothing was of notable importance.

"Stop nagging me," he growled at her. His other leg was hanging off the edge of the sofa with the foot flat on the floor. The limb bounced impatiently with pent up energy. She watched him carefully, the plate of food still held up for him to take.

"But you haven't had anything for two days…" she trailed sadly. From his vantage point, Leon could see the man's eyes glint and his pupils shift and dilate. They fluctuated between sizes rapidly before they tried to squeeze themselves into slits. A tremor wracked through him, his thigh twitching and buckling. He yelped in pain and grabbed the limb, clenched his teeth and waited for it to pass. The woman put her free hand on his arm, giving him a look of concern. Before she could react, he lashed out and backhanded her across the face. The plate went tumbling into to carpeting and she cried out, bringing her hands up to her cheek.

 _What the hell happened to all the love from this morning?_ Leon asked himself. The woman's eyes started watering and her posture sagged. She shakily made herself focus on the plate and began picking up the pieces of food. The man stayed sitting, eyes squeezed shut, holding his thigh, and gritting his teeth. His brow had broken out in a film of sweat. He let out a pained groan from the back of his throat and lay back against the cushions again. The woman quietly took the plate into the kitchen again. She came back with a rag and wiped at the dilapidated carpeting, the tears rolling free and dripping off her nose. Once she was finished cleaning she left the man by himself and went into the bedroom. Leon followed her.

She sat quietly on the bed and picked at the linens, wiping her eyes and sniffling. The Carrier watched for several minutes, wishing he could do something and tell her it was okay, that she had someone who knew what was happening to her and thought it was wrong. She was alone for over a half an hour before the man plodded into the room, wobbling on his good leg and leaning heavily on his cane. She didn't look at him, and kept her eyes on the bedding. He sat in front of her, silent. The air hung between them so heavily that even Leon could feel it. The woman wiped her face dry and sniffled once again, taking a deep breath. The man's eyes were less vibrant, but they still hadn't settled completely.

"I'm pregnant," she said, just barely above a whisper. The Carrier blinked a few times, raising a brow.

 _So soon?_ He asked himself confusedly. Not that he had a problem with the idea of Cloud being born early, it just surprised him.

The man's breathing stilled as the silence grew deafening. He seemed to think for several minutes, the woman's color draining from her face the longer his pause lasted. New tears dripped from her eyes as her expression drooped to one of pure _misery_. Leon desperately wanted to punch the man for not saying anything. He didn't have to though, as the man scooted closer to the woman and gently pulled her closer to him. She loosely hugged him around his chest and rested her face in his shoulder. He held her, a hand reaching up to pet her hair.

"You're sure?" he asked. She nodded slowly.

"My cycle wasn't coming and I took a test…" she mumbled into his shoulder. The man swallowed thickly and pulled her into his lap so he could wrap his arms around her tightly. Leon was confused by his sudden change in demeanor.

"Let's hope for a son," the man said quietly, and the woman nodded.

"I'm scared," she said, burying her face in the side of his neck.

"Maybe…" he said, pulling her up to sit properly so he could see her face. "Maybe you could have it here and they wouldn't have to know?"

"That's dangerous…" she whispered, her brows knitting together worriedly.

 _What?_ The Carrier asked himself, completely lost.

"I know, but we can't risk them finding out. Just in case it is a girl, you know."

"What would we do with it afterward, though? It's sort of hard to hide a child like that."

"We'll figure it out. Maybe by the time it's born, we'll be able to leave."

"Where would we go?"

"…Balamb?"

"I'd rather kill myself," the woman blurted, her fear and misery switching to an immediate disgust.

"Well if we stay here, we run the risk of them finding out and taking it from us. I'd rather run to Balamb than put you at that risk. Even if we do have a son, it doesn't matter. We still won't be able to keep him."

"I know… but that place is so disgusting," she said. The man reached up and run his finger through her hair, his eyes dimming away until they were no longer shining. There was a slight bruise forming on the woman's cheek where she was struck and he ran a thumb over it.

"Did I do it again?" he asked, dismissing the other conversation entirely, and tossing the Carrier into a new realm of confusion.

"Yes," she said quietly, looking off to the side. The man's expression drooped and he closed his eyes, pulling her to his chest again and hugging her tightly.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in his hair. She sniffled as tears dripped down her face again.

"It's okay. I was just waiting for you to come back so I could tell you."

 _No way in hell is any of this okay,_ Leon thought angrily, furrowing his brows together and glaring at his screen.

"Did you want some? Will that help you feel better?" he asked. She shrugged.

 _Some of what?_ Leon asked.

"Maybe later. I just… want to stay like this for a bit."

"Okay," he agreed and laid a firm kiss in her hair. "I'll try not to leave you again."

"You say that every time," she said.

"I always come back though, right?"

"Yeah…"

"So it's just a step away from not doing it in the first place. I'll get better."

"Okay…" she trailed quietly, though Leon didn't think she sounded very confident.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The evening ceremony wasn't what Leon was expecting. His camera bug's battery was running out so he sent another one out and it wouldn't arrive at Cloud's parent's home for several hours yet. He wandered into the village, following the roof of the cathedral which towered over the rest of the huts. The building was enormous, arguably the biggest one in the village, and Leon was a little nervous about going inside. It was more like a giant gazebo, the inside of it open to the rest of the world, and it's 'walls' weren't much more than a series of pillars holding up a domed copper roof. The underside of the dome was breathtaking though, with pieces of colored glass faceted into elaborate bronze scrollwork depicting abstract scenes of stories the Carrier couldn't even hope to understand by himself.

"Le—Squall!" Reno called when the brunette wandered into the space looking as lost as could be. The redhead jogged over to him and gave him a wide smile. Leon scowled at the other's appearance.

"Were you rolling in the dirt?" he asked, noting on the smears of brown and green that had spattered themselves all over Reno's clothing.

"Just about, yeah. I had to help the farmers in the fields today. I didn't get a chance to shower."

"You were out there all day?" Leon asked.

"Yeah, but that's how they do it, I guess. Put in an entire day's worth of work and then take a couple days off. There aren't many animals to worry about so it's not like they need to be out there every single day. They just feed the birds in the morning and are done with it. I don't need to be there for that though."

"Oh."

"What did you do all day?"

"Fishing."

"Oh. Catch anything?"

"Hell no," Leon snorted. Reno laughed.

"You admit that so readily."

"I'm not one for lying."

"So I see. But I'm stealing the bathroom once we get home, just so you know," Reno said with a very matter-of-fact face. Leon smirked.

"Good. You smell like the inside of a musty wooden crate."

"Hey!" the redhead huffed with a scowl. He lifted his shirt and took a quick sniff and made a disgruntled face. "Okay, you're right. Never mind," he concluded.

"Excuse me," came a high pitched whining sort of voice neither Carrier had heard before. They turned to see another Shumi, who was incredibly short and was wearing the most _wretched_ shade of pink Leon had ever seen. He tried not to show his distaste though.

"Yes?" he asked.

"My name is Uli, and I was told that you both need measurements taken," it said.

"Awesome! When did you want to stop by?" Reno blurted. Uli looked confused for a moment before sliding one of its hands up the opposite sleeve of its robe and pulling out a measuring tape. The redhead blinked a few times.

"I was going to take them now, if that's alright."

"Uhh…" Reno trailed.

"That's fine," Leon answered for him. Uli smiled and looked behind itself, motioning over two other Shumi that had been watching from a distance. The Carriers were quickly ushered off to the side of the cathedral before they were assaulted and pushed around as freezing cold worm-like fingers poked and prodded them, going up into places neither of them wanted to have touched. There weren't any giggles or snide remarks as the group of Shumi jotted notes, feeling each Carrier over inch by inch. By the time Leon and Reno were released, the russet Carrier severely regretted allowing them to get close.

"That was just about the most uncomfortable experience I've had in the last few weeks," Reno said, cheeks pink.

"Yeah, I wasn't counting on being jumped like that. Sorry," Leon muttered.

There was a slow trickle of uniform noise creeping into the space as the rest of the village inhabitants made their way into the cathedral. Most everyone began humming the same hymn, a soft murmur of song drifting through the air, making the atmosphere oddly soothing. The village, for its size, wasn't grossly overpopulated. There were maybe two hundred Shumi in total, and the cathedral was big enough to fit them all. They all sat in neat orderly rows on the floor, forming a half circle around a dome of glass in the floor which looked oddly similar to the one in the Elder's home. It was black, regardless of which way one looked at it. In an effort to blend as much as they could, the Carriers sat in the back behind everyone else. Reno was humming along with the music and Leon looked to him confusedly.

"The people in the field were singing this song earlier," the redhead whispered, answering the unspoken question. The Shumi people continued humming for another fifteen minutes or so until the Elder made its appearance, followed by the guide. They stood at the front of the group, moving forward to be close to the glass dome in the middle. It looked around at everyone with a peaceful smile.

"My followers, we are gathered again, this being the fifty-six thousand one hundred eighty-ninth occasion of our nightly gathering, our ancestors having started it over one hundred and fifty years ago, at the start of the planetary decline. It is time to pay homage to Eden, to assist her in any way we can, even if it's just letting her tell her tale," the Elder stood straighter, folding its arms behind its back. "Any new business before we begin?" it asked, looking around. The faces in the crowd turned contemplative for a few moments, the silence lingering. "No? Well, as you're all probably aware we have acquired some new hope," the Elder began, motioning to the clueless Carriers sitting in the back. All eyes turned to them.

"Us?" Reno asked, looking surprised. The Elder smiled and nodded.

"Yes. Every soul is precious. It is a blessing you two are here and willing to sacrifice your time and energy to take two of them with you to start anew and give meaning to their existences. It is an invaluable gift," it said.

 _Oh great, no pressure at all_ , Leon told himself sarcastically. Reno didn't have anything to say either, he just smiled in appreciation.

"I do hope we, as a people, can assist you enough to ensure success. But if that is all the new business we have, I would like to begin," the Elder continued. The Shumi people turned their attention back to it, watching intently. The Elder brought its hands forward and pulled at the fingers of its gloves, removing the fabric and tossing it aside. It hovered its fingers over the dome of glass in front of it, the people around it slowly starting to hum another hymn. Reno didn't know the new song and stayed quiet with Leon, watching the dome curiously. The people started to sway back and forth as one cohesive unit, and the volume of their muted singing increased.

Words of an ancient language that neither Carrier understood started spilling from their voices in a soft murmur, the Elder being the loudest of them all. Every eye except Leon and Reno's was closed, the people sounding as one. The dome in the middle stayed black but thin greenish tendrils began seeping through the glass up in between the Elder's fingers. Tiny wisps seeped out from between the strands and into the open air, flitting around the ceiling above them in a gentle nonsensical pattern. In the evening dim, it looked like hundreds of green fireflies twinkling independently, the sight confusing Leon and Reno to no end, but neither of them could deny how pretty it was. They lit up the multicolored glass pieces and made the entire space sparkle.

An eerie yowling sound started to echo over the voices of the people, startling them both and making them look around. The volume picked up as the yowl slowly morphed into a songlike screech, something sounding akin to a whale's singing. It followed the tune the people were singing, but on a much more downtrodden inflection. It continued on for several minutes, during which time, a few of the Shumi stopped singing with it. Before too long, half the people stopped and were brought to tears, their friends or family members trying to comfort them as the music continued on unheeded. Reno and Leon were lost, and simply watched the weak tendrils dance between the Elder's fingers. The ethereal wailing continued for well over an hour, the air becoming melancholic and heavy.

 _How long does this go on?_ Leon thought, trying to not look as bored as he felt. The significance of what was happening was lost on him and his impatience, but Reno was a little more receptive. All of the crying eyes around him brought his spirits down and he felt a little weepy right along with them, though he didn't understand why. Eventually, the sound calmed, grew whisper-quiet and slowly receded back into the glass dome with the green tendrils that it came with; the wisps that hovered around the ceiling slowly started drifting towards the floor, oozing into the stone when they made contact. The cathedral was quiet save for some light sniffling from the people, the Elder stood still until all of the energy left, then retrieved its gloves and put them back on.

"My people, Eden is still mourning her losses. Her strength is dwindling, but we mustn't falter our support or let her feel our hopelessness. This is nothing new, do not fret. There isn't a drastic change, as expected, but we will continue to wait for that day when she gives in. I thank you for your attendance. I shall see you all tomorrow evening. I give my love to you all," the Elder said quietly, its voice sounding with a slight monotone. The guide was right there to help the taller Shumi away, its strength obviously drained as it padded away tiredly. The people stay seated until the Elder was a decent distance away. The conversation broke out afterward, people debating the time they had left on their planet and catching up on personal business. Leon and Reno were left without much to do.

"I have no idea what just happened," the redhead said sadly, wiping at his eyes.

"Me either. But the green fuzzy things were part of the Lifestream, or so I was told. I'm assuming the rest of it was too," Leon said.

"Yeah? That's… sort of hard to believe," Reno said. The brunette nodded.

"I agree. I think there's more to it than that, but without a lab or anything to analyze it with we don't have much else to go off of."

"Well that's a practical way of going at it, but I'm sort of leaning towards the weird religious angle. There's obviously something more here than what we can study, that voice was pretty good evidence of that. The Elder guy seems to know what he was doing. Maybe we can ask some questions later," the redhead said. Leon shrugged.

"Can't hurt," he said.

* * *

Neither Carrier could think of how they would go about asking a religious figure about its faith without being extremely rude, so the next few weeks were mainly about adjustment versus getting answers. Leon got himself on a steady schedule with a predictable routine as the days ticked by. Wake up, eat, bathe, go fishing, wander around the village and talk a bit, go home, eat again, watch Cloud's parents, then bedtime. Reno was more of a social butterfly and tended to spend most of his off time visiting with the people than he did anything else. Leon was more concerned about making sure Cloud's mother was healthy and her pregnancy wasn't in peril.

Aïr, Cloud's father, was almost as boring as Leon was. The man didn't do anything pretty much all day every day other than sit on the couch with his leg propped up watching television. Occasionally he'd eat something, perform various bathroom tasks, and have sex with Cloud's mother, but not much else. The woman did everything for him. She helped him dress and bathe, she made his meals, and she put up with his bipolar abuse. The mornings were peaceful, but once the early evening hit, the man would break out a jar and a syringe and inject himself with something Leon could only describe as _sludge_.

Mako, the chemical runoff from Midgar's power plants, was a readily available resource of wasting the hours away hopelessly inebriated. Cloud's father would toil away all day living in constant pain from his infected leg, and his resolve would crack sometime after dinnertime and he'd use the drug to escape. If the woman left him alone, she usually stayed safe, but if she tried to help him, he'd lash out and hit her. But, by morning, he would turn into his normal loving self again and she would forgive him. It was a terrible cycle and Leon hated every second of it, especially as the woman's belly began to bulge and grow.

One day, something different happened. Aïr was sitting on the couch as he usually did while the woman, Anna, milled about trying to clean the kitchen, though it never seemed to help the dinginess. Leon often wondered how they managed to feed themselves and afford their utilities when neither of them seemed to have a job. Anna would go shopping and come back with just enough food to last a few more days before going to get more. It was puzzling. He tried not to think too much on it though, so long as she stayed healthy and took care of the baby, he was okay.

"Did you get the mail today?" Aïr questioned, pushing himself up just enough to look over the back of the sofa at her. She stopped what she was doing and thought for a moment.

"No, I don't think I did. I will," she said and set her rag aside and disappeared out the front door. That was another thing that Leon was confused about. If they got mail, they obviously weren't in hiding, and we wondered if they just lived in a shithole because it was the only thing around or if the rest of the city was like that. Before he could get sidetracked by that train of thought again, the front door to the shack flew open again and a man the Carrier had never seen before entered without any warning, pulling Anna behind him by her wrist roughly.

"You!" the newcomer barked at Aïr with a hint of malice in his voice. His clothing was a mix of leather and metal, a large crest plastered over his chest and a sword and sheath dangling off his belt. His heavy boots practically shook the entire house with his footsteps as he yanked the woman to the sofa and held her arm up in the air at Aïr. From watching television with the man, Leon recognized the clothing as some faction from the military. "Is this your woman?" the soldier asked impatiently.

"Yes," Aïr clipped, pushing himself up to sit straighter.

"She is with child, and I don't see a registration number. Are you simple? Or do you just choose ignore the law?"

"We…hadn't gotten to it yet. It's difficult for me to accompany her," the man defended. Anna, expression beaten, looked off to the side in shame, staying quiet.

"There are services provided to you for such circumstances. I will have someone come to you then, you need not leave the house. An inspector will return in a week to make sure you've followed through. Do I make myself clear?"

"I don't see why we have to do it _now_. We still have a few months yet," Aïr said.

"Well then I suppose you can live without the food our generous government gives you for those few months, and the free electricity, and your easy lifestyle. It's no skin off their nose if you starve. All they ever asked in return is a few soldiers. The least you can do to repay them is follow the law." The soldier said. He thrust his hand forward, pulling Anna with it so she stumbled forward. He let her go and turned to leave. "Take care of your responsibilities as a man," he spat before leaving. Aïr looked to Anna, the woman's posture sagging as she leaned against the couch.

"I don't want to register…" she said quietly.

"I don't want you to either. But we're suddenly crunched for time. I don't think we can escape before they find us. Unless you go without me; that's an option too."

"No it's not! I can't do this alone," Anna protested. The man sighed and sat back, slouching in his seat again.

"I'm completely useless to you. I can't even get out to get the mail and keep you out of harm's way." The woman frowned as the man refused to make eye contact. She eventually got fed up with standing and forced herself in his lap, straddling his waist and taking his face in her hands. She kissed him, a rough but brief movement, before sitting back again and running her fingers through his hair. She didn't have anything to say, because what he said was the truth. He had no purpose other than posing a burden to her and occasionally giving her the attention Leon thought she deserved. She hugged Aïr tightly, resting her face in the crook of his neck.

"I'm not leaving you," she said.

"Annaicé…" the man sighed and hugged her back.

 _I don't understand…_ Leon thought.

"It's alright… I'll register… and we can figure something out. And if not, we can always have more, yes?" she asked. She leaned back so she could see his face. Aïr gave her a withering expression and ran his fingers through her hair. He was quiet for several minutes.

"You deserve so much better than me," he said. She shrugged.

"Maybe, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't want anyone else," she said dryly. He smiled a bit, just the barest twitch of the lips.

"That's reassuring. I'm sorry I can't do more for you," he said. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead and hugged his face into her bosom.

"Just by being with me, you're doing more than I could ever ask for," she said. He didn't say anything this time, but rubbed his face between her breasts while reaching around and hugging her waist tightly. The woman grunted with the force.

 _Don't crush my Charge now, god damn,_ Leon snorted to himself. The battery on his camera was getting low and he plugged in a new one. He entered his information and sent the little bug on its way, the arrival time being just under five hours, like it tended to be. His mind was awash with a whole new series of questions he couldn't even guess the answers to. He considered going to the Elder and seeing if he could get the new ones answered and somehow steer the conversation towards the older ones he had surrounding the Shumi belief system. It was worth a try, anyway.

* * *

The brunette really hoped he didn't need an appointment to speak with the Elder. He stood in front of the doors leading in to the house under the enormous tree with a look of hesitation. He took a breath and knocked. After several minutes of silence he knocked again. Then again. Eventually the doors popped open abruptly and Leon found himself face to chest with the guide he never learned the name of. It smiled at him once it realized who he was. Leon blinked up at it quietly, hesitating.

"Er… can I speak with the Elder?" he asked. The guide chuckled.

"I would've noticed you were at the door sooner had you rung the bell. Would've saved you some time," it said. Leon looked around the door frame for any evidence that there was a bell to ring.

"Bell?" he questioned, finding nothing. The guide reached outside and felt along the metal molding before one of its gloved fingers found what it was looking for and pressed inward. There was a soft ' _click_ ' before a small rectangular panel slid out of the way to reveal a small button. The Carrier blinked, wondering how the guide even found the spot in the first place, and then he started wondering if there were more secret panels to be found. Maybe his door _did_ have a lock.

"Anyway, the Elder is not well at this time and isn't taking any visitors. Is there something I can help you with?"

"…I just had a few questions. About Midgar's laws and the Shumi people."

"Well, I can probably help with the ones on the people, but not so much about Midgar's laws. We know of them, and their advance on the planet, but the society and people eludes us just as much as Balamb does. We don't get that involved. I honestly doubt the Elder can answer those questions any better than I can. What did you want to talk about otherwise?"

"First I'd like to know if anyone would be offended if I asked around about the evening ceremonies."

"In what context? From a disbelief standpoint or just curiosity?"

"Curiosity," Leon lied. Yes he was curious, but he still had a hard time believing the planet acted like a person did, figmented or otherwise. The idea that the core can sing and talk to the Shumi people was up for debate as well as the idea that the Lifestream was just pure energy. If Midgar sucked the energy up from the ground and into their power plants which made the chemical runoff, Mako, then there was obviously more there than people were saying. Whether or not the Shumi people were aware of those extra somethings, Leon couldn't say, but pure energy shouldn't have waste material, that much he was sure of.

"Come in then," the guide said, stepping aside and allowing the Carrier entry. It motioned for him to follow and the brunette did so, keeping an eye on the elaborate décor and furnishings that was a common trend in the entire village. They wove through several hallways and up a few short staircases. A wheezing cough echoed down the hall that made the guide sigh a little and the Carrier assumed that was the Elder. They ignored the sound otherwise though and eventually ended up in a library. It was a relatively small space, with bookshelves lining the walls but only enough space in the middle for an extra two. They were all stuffed to the gills with literature though, which Leon was more than pleased to see. Reading saved him a lot of awkward conversation.

"I like books," he blurted. The guide chuckled.

"You're welcome to read as much as you like. Most of these books are originals and quite old, but the newer ones have several copies and if you'd like to take those with you, you're welcome to so long as they make it back here. Do I have your word that they will?" it asked. The Carrier nodded.

"Yes."

"Good. I'll trust you," it motioned to several book cases towards the far wall. "You can take any from those shelves back there and the ones in the middle here. The others are a bit more fragile, so be careful and keep those here."

"Alright."

"I'm afraid I can't stay, I must tend to the Elder. I apologize."

"It's okay. I don't mind," Leon said. The guide nodded, bowed slightly and took its leave, closing the door behind itself quietly. The brunette's attention immediately went to the books. He cruised over the older titles quickly, realizing that most of them were related to folklore and fictional stories. He ignored those immediately and made his way around the walls. For the most part, that's all he could find. Fiction, fiction, fairy tales, legends, more fiction. But as he found his way into the newer books, things turned a bit more factual. He made sense of it quickly. Why would the Shumi people of yesteryear keep books around that had instructions on Shumi culture? There wouldn't have been any point. But the newer books (and by newer, it was implied to be within the last two hundred years) were probably written once the Carriers started coming.

The Carrier didn't stick around. He took an armload of books with him and left quietly. He made his way back to the inn and set them all on his desk. He was disappointed he couldn't get more information about Midgar out of the Shumi but he didn't feel he should have expected it. So far, he understood that they were relatively isolated culturally, and the inner workings of the rest of the world's people were probably moot points to learn. He sighed a bit as he looked at his computer screen. The camera bug was still on right where he had left it even as the new one was zooming along to meet it. But he could hear Cloud's parents in the next room fucking, and he was just about fed up with that. He stopped the feed and closed it up and went to his door.

Running his hands over the doorframe curiously, he couldn't feel anything different like what the guide had done at the Elder's house with the doorbell. He scowled a bit pushed a little harder on the perimeter and was surprised to have his hand sink in a half inch as a panel made itself known. It wasn't a tiny one like the one that hid the bell, but a full sized square that was bigger than his entire hand. It slid up into the rest of the wall to show a keypad. Leon practically giggled like a child when he saw several large buttons on the interface.

_Open_

_Close_

_Close and lock_

"Fantastic," he said to himself with a smile as he pressed the last one and the door slid shut and clicked. He waved his hand into front of the motion sensor at the top of the doorway and when it didn't pop open again, he grinned. The small victory won, he decided the first thing he wanted to do was sleep how he wanted to sleep, instead of balled up in his excessive billowy clothing and trying not to strangle his limbs. But he wasn't tired enough for a nap and settled for disrobing and crawling under the covers with one of his new books.

* * *

A hollow ' _thud_ ' followed by a loud whine startled Leon out of his gentle snooze. He hadn't realized he had dozed off, the book still open and propped up against his legs. There was a moment of silence before he heard some light sniffling and someone knocked. He scooted out of bed and pulled his pants on before groggily opening the door again. Reno was standing there with tears in his eyes, rubbing his nose and looking pitiful.

"You totally walked into my door, didn't you?" Leon asked flatly.

"Maybe…" the redhead said. "How'd you get it to close?" he asked. The brunette stepped back and pointed to the open panel. Reno peeked around the doorframe and gasped. "Where'd you find that?" he squeaked. Forgetting his original purpose at the other Carrier's door, he skittered off to his own and started feeling around his doorframe. Another gasp sounded as he found his panel and the door clicked open and shut excitedly. "Awesome!" he barked with a laugh. "That makes me feel so much better!" he said, coming back to Leon's door.

"I wasn't aware you had a sense of privacy," the brunette said.

"Well I don't care so much about right now, but when Rude comes back with me I had every intention of keeping him naked ninety percent of the time he's here."

"…Greeeat," Leon grumbled with a scowl. Reno waved a dismissive hand.

"Don't tell me you have never had the intention of getting laid, regardless of who it's with? That's just sad."

"I hadn't really thought about it, no."

"Augh! Why are you so _dull_?" Reno whined with his brows knit together. Leon rolled his eyes, stepped back into his room, and clicked the door shut in the redhead's face. The other let out an exasperated sigh before leaving in a huff. The brunette wiggled out of his pants again and snuggled back under the covers with his book. He had to admit he was a little disappointed with its contents. It was a good book for Shumi history, and what the customs were like, but it didn't answer his questions about what was happening during the evening ceremonies. It only mentioned the religious 'we follow Eden and she speaks to us' aspect and didn't give him anything else concrete. Without a lab or anything to examine the Lifestream's wisps with, he was quickly running out of options.

He sighed and considered what he would lose if he just let it go. It'd probably bug him, but it ultimately wasn't anything he had to concern himself with. The Shumi people were in tune with their planet and it was in trouble, that's just about as far as he was willing to go. He could help them take care of their village using their traditions and every day regimens without needing to delve too deep. He was okay with that.

Midgar, on the other hand, was more important. He was really bothered by the unknowns, seeing as how they affected his Charge. He closed his book and sat quietly for a few minutes, contemplating his next move. He scooted to the edge of the bed and leaned across the open space to retrieve his computer. He poked at the keyboard to wake it up and was surprised to find that the new camera bug was not too far from the target and that the nap he apparently took while the old one was off saved some battery. Cloud's parents weren't in immediate ear or eyeshot, which was bittersweet. They were his source of information, but snooping around in their house could be just as useful.

While driving the little bug around, it was clear that the couple wasn't big on reading. There weren't any books, or any pamphlets, or even a newspaper. The mail hadn't made it inside either, _if_ they got any. It was entirely possible that they were both illiterate themselves, which would explain a few things. But it didn't help him. So, he settled for wiggling the bug under the front door and outside the house. It was dark, and well into the night, but that didn't seem to hinder the people from staying active. They were out in droves, talking amongst one another and walking, heading in all directions. Leon kept the bug against the edge of the tiny shack for safety and watched.

From what he could see, the population was mostly women. The few men that the Carrier could see were either physically damaged in some way, or had hair whiter than he could even imagine. Some were a mix of both; a beat up leg, or missing most of his fingers, with rapidly whitening hair dispersed amongst their natural color. Some of the eyes, regardless of gender, were shining like tiny lights as they carried on like normal in the dimly lit cracked streets. The Carrier didn't see any shops or venues, but could see row after row of piddly shacks propped up close together. It was a slum; a shithole ghetto that no one seemed to mind living in, if Leon based his opinion on the demeanors of the people around him. He expected it, but it was still disheartening. He did notice a distinct lack of children, but several pregnant women waddling around. Perhaps it was just the time of night and they were all tucked in bed. He sincerely hoped that was the case as babies seemed to be a hot issue.

He skittered around for as long as he could, the new bug arriving and waiting for use, but the battery slowly died on the old one. The screen started to get blurry as the picture faded, the bug being pointed down a short alley between two shacks. Leon squinted at the screen as he could see several figures moving around in the darkness. Leaving the old bug where it was and quickly maneuvering the new one to take its place, he was able to get closer to see what was happening. He had found Cloud's parents, as well as some people he had never seen before. His gut twisted.

Every pair of eyes in the alley was glowing, even Anna's, and the display of blatant public sex was sickening. Leon furrowed his brows together as the woman entertained a man he had never seen before. Cloud's father was preoccupied with two other women a short distance away, his leg apparently a moot point in his inebriated state. The Carrier was concerned. Any one of those women could be Cloud's mother, if Anna was not, or the random man she seemed to pick up could very well be his father instead of Aïr. The sex was the least of his concerns, he didn't care what they did with their lives, but the havoc it could wreak when it came time to find Cloud wasn't something he could ignore.

 _I don't know what to do. Do I watch them all?_ He asked himself as he held his face in his hands. He wondered if Reno was having any similar problems, and decided he could ask. He pulled on his pants and closed his computer up and took it with him to knock on the redhead's door. Reno answered within a few minutes, looking confused.

"What's wrong?" he asked, the obvious crease in his begrudging companion's face evident. Leon held up his computer and pulled it open so Reno could see.

"Do you have this problem?" the brunette asked blandly.

"Wow. Nice orgy," Reno snorted. Leon sighed. "Sorry, uh… no. Rude's parents are blacksmiths or something. Metalworkers. They don't exactly party like that. What's the problem, exactly? Why do you care what those people do together?"

"I don't, or at least I wouldn't if I knew which parent I was watching," he pointed to Aïr and Anna. "These two are the ones I'm supposed to be paying attention to, but if I'm only watching one, and not them both, it could make finding Cloud way harder than it needs to be. Any one of those women could have him or he could be fathered by anyone else."

"Are they outside?" Reno asked, squinting at the screen, completely ignoring what Leon said.

"Yes."

"Crazy foreigners," the redhead giggled. Leon closed the computer again, though the audio persisted.

"Pay attention."

"Right, sorry. I agree it's a problem, but we don't have the equipment to check what information Xemnas gave us, so we just need to have a bit of blind faith and hope for the best."

"That's far from encouraging. Do you know anything about Midgar's laws?"

"In regards to what? Exhibitionists?"

"Pregnant women. The woman I'm watching was practically assaulted because she's pregnant and apparently not 'registered' somewhere."

"What the hell is she doing fucking random guys if she's pregnant?" Reno asked, furrowing his brows together.

"She's inebriated."

"That doesn't exactly make it any better."

"I know. Focus for me for a second, do you know what I'm talking about?"

"I haven't heard anything specific about it, but when Rude's dad watches TV in the morning, the news sometimes talks about the influx of unregistered women. It doesn't go into much more detail than that and I hear Rude's mom say stuff like 'oh those poor girls' as she's cooking the eggs. I don't know what it's about otherwise."

"What does his father have to say about it?"

"He just sort of grunts and nods. He's not much of a talker. Sort of reminds me of you."

"Goody," Leon said, rolling his eyes. "But they don't go out and use drugs and get into random orgies?" he asked. Reno shook his head.

"Nope. They work together in their little shop place, repairing weapons for the soldiers that come through, then they come home, eat and go to bed. They've had sex like… twice since I got there. Do Cloud's parents do this often?"

"His father uses more than his mother does. But they're _way_ more active than twice in six weeks if you get my meaning, but with each other. At least… I _think_ that's all they do. This is the first time I've noticed but the woman leaves the house to shop and stuff so for all I know she could just be a giant whore." He sighed, shaking his head a bit. "This is a disaster." Reno patted his shoulder with a tiny smile.

"At least it's interesting, yeah?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

If there was one thing the Shumi people _really_ liked, it was textures. Every single person in the village had a purpose and occupation, most of them being master craftsman of varying wares. Clothes making, jewelry making, decorations for homes, carpentry, metalworking, sculpture, anything anyone could possibly need or want, the Shumi people could probably make. They would sit around all day doing their craft and being productive. Because of that, they held their hands in high regard and kept them covered when not working; as they considered it rude to expose such valuable body parts willy nilly. Even the fieldworkers and fishers were considered masters of their craft.

Knowing this, Leon was very apprehensive as to what the people's reactions would be when he and Reno needed to change. The redheaded Carrier didn't give two shits about who saw him wandering around, suddenly a thousand pounds heavier. He was well received, and the people came to him to touch his mane and feel his hide, marveling at the texture. Leon, on the other hand, tried to keep it to himself. He picked a secluded delta that he found didn't get much foot traffic and hung around on the tiny dock there, sticking his feet in the water. He wasn't ashamed of what he was, but he didn't feel the need to proclaim it, either. He was different enough already, living in a village full of alien-like people. But he try as he might, he was found, as he hoped he wouldn't be.

"Ah!" someone startled, pulling the Carrier's attention to the delta's narrow entrance.

 _Oh great_ , he grumbled to himself. _Please don't molest me._

"I haven't seen one like you in quite some time!" the Shumi proclaimed, setting its fishing equipment down and stepping to him. It bent down and stuffed its noodle fingers in his mane and felt around, a look of adoration in its eyes. Leon was skeptical.

_Like me?_

"It must have been close to ten years ago. A little less, maybe. She was as black as night and tried to hide herself as well. Such a wonderful woman; very kind," it said, keeping his face up with a hand under his chin, the other hand petting him affectionately. "You're much bigger. Different, yes, but similar as well."

_Oh. Probably Tifa._

"You don't need to hide yourself. You're welcome to walk around. I'm sure everyone would like to see you."

_That's exactly what I was trying to avoid._

"Come with me, yes?" it asked. Leon made no move to get up, even as the Shumi stood and started walking off the dock. It stopped and looked to him. "No?" it asked. The cat resituated his positioning to lying flat with his chin between his front paws, getting comfortable where he was, hoping the message was clear.

_Just leave me be, please._

"I wish you weren't so shy. There is nothing to be ashamed about," it said with a tiny sigh and a frown. Leon didn't deny the Shumi's sincerity, but parading himself around like a spectacle wasn't exactly appealing to him even if the feedback was positive. It was bearable if they came to him, but he sure as hell wasn't going to go to them. So, he didn't move. The Shumi eventually gave in, took its fishing supplies, and left him.

Leon wasn't there to make friends. He was comfortable around the Shumi enough to be civil and adopt their ways of doing things, but he really didn't want to develop relationships with any of them, or Reno, for that matter. Not only was it a distraction, but it would make leaving again just that much more difficult. He already liked being outside and amongst the grasses and plants enough as it was, and the facility back home looked like a veritable prison at this point, so adding relationships to miss just made the problem worse. Be that as it may, he couldn't deny that he was hurting himself. It was a lonely way of living, and it picked at him. He wanted something more permanent though, like a family, something he wouldn't have to say goodbye to in twenty years.

A hugely fat fish swam right up to the end of the dock and hovered in the water right below where his feet were dangling over the edge. He was surprised, and raised his head off the wood just enough to see it better. It was practically staring at him. He quickly reached over the edge and stuck his foot in the water, claws out and ready to snag it. Its gills got caught on the pointy appendages, but it thrashed around trying to get away. He stuck his other paw in, trying to grab it, fumbling around as water sprayed in every direction. He got a good grip in one side of it and used his paw to push it against the nearest pylon to hold it in place. He squashed it against the pillar and dug his claws in as much as he could, scooting himself around as much as he could for stability. His judgment of how close he was to the edge of the dock was off and his back foot slipped, sending him into the water. It didn't matter, he still had the fish stuck to his foot, and he rolled over, bringing it to his mouth so he could keep it as he paddled to the shore, just a few feet away.

"That is a huge fish! Holy shit!" Reno blurted abruptly, startling the cat a bit. Leon dropped the fish on the grass and let it waggle around helplessly. He shook the water from himself, sending a spray in all directions. The redhead waited until he was finished before approaching. "I can't believe you caught that thing with your face. That's awesome," he said happily.

 _Not quite my face, but whatever,_ Leon sighed. The fish flopped around, inching back towards the water. He pushed it farther inland.

"Anyway, I heard rumors that you were being dumpy and depressed and I was asked to help."

 _I wasn't aware I asked for help,_ Leon thought. A sudden strong tickle prodded the inside of his nose and he sneezed, twice, removing the water the fish had flung up his nostrils. He ignored Reno and lay in the grass next to his catch, waiting for it to burp up a wisp, signifying it was thoroughly dead.

"Don't ignore me," Reno protested. He stared at the cat with a scowl as Leon continued to do just that. The redhead wasn't happy. He was starting to take Leon's prickly demeanor personally. He had never had someone flat out deny him any sort of simple pleasantry. The brunette didn't even say 'good morning' to him on most days, let alone be willing to have an extended conversation with him. He waited, trying to be patient just in case Leon decided he wanted to be nice. After a few minutes, it was clear he wasn't wanted. He heaved a little sigh and left quietly.

* * *

Anna registered as she was ordered to. Leon missed the part where the couple left the house together, but he was there for when they came back. The woman was in tears, clutching her forearm and whimpering nonsense to Aïr as the man hobbled to the sofa. She sat with him and leaned against his side. He held her close and rested his cheek against her hair. Leon skittered his camera up for a better vantage point. He peered over her shoulder and was taken aback. In the dimness of the hovel he couldn't tell exactly what had been done to her, but it certainly looked painful.

"It hurts so much…" Anna sniffled. She had a barcode on her wrist like one would find on a product in a store. It looked like it had been tattooed on her skin, but judging by how upset she was, Leon thought there was more to it. The skin was raw and there were trickles of dried blood seeping out from the bottoms of the bars and down her arm.

"Lay with me," Aïr said, expression distant. Anna nodded and stood, allowing the man to turn sideways and prop his bad leg up. She gently straddled his waist and lay on top of him, resting her head on his chest. Her damaged arm dangled off the side of the sofa, and Leon was able to inch close to see just what the problem really was. He was horrified.

The tattoo wasn't anything of the sort. Thin metal rods had been lodged under the first few layers of the woman's skin. The area was irregularly raised, not all of the rods being the same depth. Leon couldn't decide what was worse. The idea that it was done to begin with, or the possibility of fatal harm being done to Anna had the person who had done it pushed one in too deep. He desperately wanted to understand the reasoning behind such terrible methods, but he wouldn't be able to see it for several more months, when Anna gave birth.

"This is really the only thing I dislike about Midgar," she mumbled quietly. Aïr nodded, running his fingers through her hair.

"It's a necessity. It's what keeps us free," he said.

"I know, but I still don't like it."

"I still think you should leave."

"I'm not going anywhere without you," she said sternly. She sniffled again, obliterating any sort of fierceness her tone may have had. He hugged her then, burying his face in her hair, eyes squeezed shut tightly. She tried her best to hug him back without hurting her arm. They were silent for a few minutes. Aïr eventually let her go and sighed.

"Did you want some? To take away the pain?" he asked. Anna propped herself up on his chest with her elbow and looked thoughtful. She sniffled again and nodded, scooting off of him and making her way to the kitchen. Leon was all too familiar with what they were doing at this point. He heaved a heavy mental sigh when he saw Anna pull out the jar of Mako and a syringe. The only syringe. The one they shared, which was an awful thought in of itself, but coupled with the disgusting sludge they injected themselves with, it was a nightmare. He hated it, and closed his computer, not wanting to watch.

It was a common trend between the couple. A cycle they followed almost as if they were robots programmed to do certain things when they felt a certain way. If either of them was depressed or in pain, they'd shoot up and forget it all. God forbid either of them left the house, then they'd usually end up having rampant sex with someone they hardly knew, instead of each other, but those instances weren't as prevalent. Mostly, it was just them. Together, lost in a world of inebriated bliss. The habit kept up, even as Anna's pregnancy proceeded, seemingly healthily. Leon had mixed feeling about the whole thing, sort of hoping that the child wasn't Cloud, based on how much damage the woman probably caused herself.

One thing he did find out, was that he was watching Anna specifically. She was indeed Cloud's mother. He thought himself rather clever in how he discovered it. He waited until she went shopping, leaving Aïr behind, and told the camera bug to find it's target. It left the house, looking for her instead of staying behind with Aïr. The Carrier caught up with her in a sort of open marketplace, where vendors were showing their wares at rickety tables and stands. He was fascinated at how the people there simply picked what they wanted and took it. The merchants would just have them sign a book, for keeping inventory, and they'd be sent on their way.

No one tried to take more than what they needed. It was strange that there was no currency being exchanged but the lack of selfishness and thievery was probably what perplexed Leon the most. Soldiers actively patrolled the streets, checking women for registration barcodes and keeping things in order, but even then, they seemed unconcerned with the marketplace. It was fascinating, but not what he was there for. Anna moved quickly for a woman in the later stages of pregnancy, and found what she needed, tucked it in her bag, and left. The Carrier hitched a ride on the hem of her pant leg.

They were several doors down from the house when there was a commotion in between a couple of the shacks that pulled Anna's attention away. She stopped and peeked around the side where there was a soldier having some degree of difficulty manhandling a woman. Or rather, a _young_ woman. She couldn't have been older than fifteen or sixteen and the soldier was looked to be well into his forties. His eyes were shining a bright blue, as the trend seemed to dictate, and she was trying to pull away from his grabbing hands, yelling and screaming at him to let her go. He didn't, and she eventually gave in. He raped her in plain sight of all passerby's. People stopped to watch like Anna had, and didn't leave until he was finished with her, leaving her in a sobbing heap on the dirt pathway.

 _What the_ _ **fuck**_ _is wrong with these people?_ Leon asked himself. The whole society confused him to no end. There was hardly any evidence of petty crime or personal strife between the people. No one argued very much and they all seemed to be rather polite. But the severity of the crimes that _did_ happen weren't even reacted to. Rape wasn't something anyone but the victim seemed to care about. Women would go out, high off their gourd, and sleep with whoever they pleased, but no arguments broke out of her household afterward. Men too. They would just up and grab a woman they decided they wanted and bend them over wherever was most convenient. It was appalling, but so interesting. Like a train wreck. He couldn't help but watch, even though the scene was horrifying.

Leon's cameras didn't leave the house much after he saw the rape. He was a little shaken, but he mostly felt helpless. He wished he had been there in person and had helped the girl instead of acting like the rest of the people there had. Just watching. That's what Aïr did. He watched with a sort of blank air about him whenever he went out. He didn't get very far on most days and ended up in front of the television again after only a short while. The newscasts and programs on the shiny box weren't much better. All of it was normal to them, but so alien to Leon. He couldn't process it.

The worst instance of Midgar's twisted society came when it was time for Anna to give birth. Now, the woman never had any exams during her pregnancy. No prenatal care, no vitamins, no ultrasounds. The only thing she was given was a scheduled induction when she was registered. She and Aïr set out for the hospital early that morning, the man taking his time walking with her. For Leon, whose camera was hitching a ride on their 'just in case' bag, it was a grueling four hours of _nothing_. His nerves were shot by the time they finally made it, having gotten jittery right when he woke up with them. He had to time it right and sleep during the day and wake up at six in the evening or so, to make up the time zone difference.

 _I'm such a wreck, I really need to calm down_ , he told himself as he sat on his bed, chewing on the inside of his lip in anticipation, staring at the computer screen intently. The hospital room was practically barren of anything aside from Anna's bed, and a few chairs. There were no monitors, no machines, nothing medical, except for a clipboard holding the woman's charts. At the very least it looked like a normal hospital on the surface. It was clean and sterile, mostly white and a pastel green. The doors slid into the walls like the ones in the Shumi village, and there was a phone on the wall next to the bathroom.

"Are you alright?" Anna asked as Aïr dropped himself in a chair heavily with a grunt.

"I will be in a little bit," he said, struggling to keep his voice even and his face neutral. His pain was obvious as he gingerly moved his infected leg around, trying to find a position that lessened the feeling. Anna frowned and rubbed his shoulders.

"We'll be home by tonight," she said, sounding a bit sad.

 _So quickly?_ Leon questioned.

"It can't come soon enough," Aïr said spitefully. The woman nodded and kissed the top of his head before going to her bed and sitting on the side. They waited quietly for twenty minutes or so, which felt like a lifetime to Leon.

"Hello in here," a nurse, dressed in white, abruptly said as the door popped open. Anna startled some but kept her eyes glued to the floor. Three men followed the nurse inside. Two were normal soldiers, like the Carrier had seen patrolling the streets, the other looked much more important. He was dressed relatively the same as the other two but with silver adornments dangling off oversized metal shoulder pads. There was a very obvious sword hanging off his belt with elaborate silver scrollwork on the scabbard. The biggest difference in his clothing was the addition of an oversized pair of bangles on his wrists.

They stuck out at least an inch all the way around the man's wrists and held what Leon could only describe as engorged marbles. They were mostly green and blue, but one was red. The Carrier was intrigued. Before he could get in for a closer look, the man nudged the couple's bag across the room with his foot, taking Leon's camera along with it. Then he crossed back to the door and took Anna's chart from the little cubby it was sitting in and flipped through the papers. Everyone was quiet as he read.

"Your first?" he asked, voice deep and commanding. Anna flinched, didn't look at him, but nodded. "You're fully aware of the procedure then? You have no choice in the matter if you want to remain a citizen, it's best if you know how to handle yourself."

"Yes sir. I understand," she said quietly, eyes watering. Leon scowled, as did Aïr.

"Good. I don't want any problems," the man said and handed the chart off to the nurse before going to take a seat. The other two soldiers took their places on either side of the door, stone-faced.

 _He's not going to stay in there with them, is he?_ Leon questioned, his stomach twisting a bit. The nurse left them quickly. The air in the room was tense. The man dug in his pocket and pulled out a tiny personal computer and tugged a stylus from the top of it before poking at the screen. Leon didn't care enough to sneak up and look over his shoulder to see what he was doing. Instead, he made the camera inch itself up the wall and take roost in the corner with the best vantage point of Anna's bed. The nurse came back, pushing a cart with another woman following her close behind.

"Lie down, it's time to start," the nurse said, nudging Anna back. She obeyed and lay back quietly, propping herself up on her elbows. The nurse took little time in yanking her walking shorts down, causing Anna to yelp in surprise and try to cover herself. The man with the bangles paid no attention to the goings on and continued to fiddle with his device. The new woman, the doctor, was pushing supplies around on the cart. No one made a move to give Anna a blanket or anything to offer her some decency. The doctor came to Anna's side and took her arm. She quickly injected something in her before letting her go. Aïr, eyes dark, scooted his chair closer to Anna's side. The nurse and the doctor started up some causal conversation between themselves, the pregnant woman ignored.

Anna's labor wasn't gradual. No one checked to see if she had dilated or hooked her up to anything that could monitor her progress. Leon was appalled. The contractions, and subsequently the pain, smacked into her practically all at once, causing her to tense up and scream. Aïr was her only comfort when she broke out in tears and sobbed about how much she wanted it to stop. He held her hand in his, letting her squeeze it as much as she could and used his free one to wipe her brow when it broke out in a sweat. The only time anyone paid attention to her was when the baby started to crown. The doctor unceremoniously shoved her legs up by the bottoms of her feet and the nurse held them in place.

Blood seeped out from Anna at a steady pace, soaking the bed under her. The woman was screaming at the top of her lungs with the immense pain that no one else seemed to be concerned with. Except Aïr, his brows were knitted together worriedly as he tried to support Anna as much as he could. Leon stared, mouth agape, at the scene. The cruelty was something he couldn't even conceive. From start to finish, the labor lasted barely forty-five minutes. The doctor scooped the infant up quickly and wrapped it up once the umbilical cord was cut. The man with the bangles stood from his seat once the baby was out and forcibly took the child from her. He unwrapped and inspected the child as it wailed away before taking it to one of the soldiers by the door and handed it off.

Leon was speechless. The baby wasn't Cloud. It was a girl.

"Burn it," the man said.

" _WHAT?_ " Leon screamed at his computer in utter shock. He watched the soldier take the infant quietly, expressionless. The soldier saluted and left, the cries of the child silencing when the door slid closed again. Anna was practically catatonic, pale as snow and breathing shallowly. Aïr had his eyes squeezed shut, his face turned away, and was still holding Anna's hand tightly. The woman blinked at the ceiling blearily, her legs splayed open, bleeding onto the bed. The sides of the mattress were dripping onto the floor.

"I expect to see you back here by this time next year, or sooner," the man with the bangles said. He approached the bed and looked at his wrists. He chose one of the oversized marbles and pressed it inward. With a quick flick of his hand he spun the bangle like a wheel, the colorful balls blurring together as they started to glow. He held his hand out over Anna's face. Pale greenish tendrils inched down from his fingers, the same ones that came from the dome of glass during the evening ceremonies in the village. Leon couldn't believe what he was seeing as the tiny strings and wisps snaked their way up Anna's nostrils and into her mouth. Her breathing regulated itself, her color returned, and any sort of traumatic tearing her genitals suffered all but disappeared. Aïr sat back, his face downtrodden, but no longer worried. In a matter of minutes, Anna was sitting up again.

"What happens if I can't?" she asked, her voice sounding normal, even toned, like none of it happened. The Carrier was flabbergasted.

"Then we come get you," the man responded. He dug in his pocket for his tiny computer again and poked at the screen again. He took Anna's arm with her registration barcode and held the device over her skin. A blue line appeared over the bars and there was a ' _beep_.' He let her go and typed away again.

"I meant if I can't conceive again by then," she said, blankly looking at her arm.

"Call us in a few months if nothing happens. We'll send someone else to you that may be a bit more… potent," the man said casually, as if a man's potency was the only problem. Nevermind how the woman's uterus had suddenly been fitted with an auto-eject button with whatever drug the doctor had given her. Aïr looked off to the side, eyes shameful. "Let's hope for a son next time, yes?"

"Yes sir," Anna said quietly. She scooted off the bed and sat on the arm of Aïr's chair, allowing the nurse and the doctor to change the bed sheets and to wipe off the plastic under-pad.

 _I don't… understand… what just happened?_ Leon trailed mentally, unable to voice his confusion. He held his head with hands on either side of his temples, fingers gripping his hair tightly. His entire perception of Biology and Physics was just slashed to pieces, not to mention the severe ethical problems he was having. He felt dizzy.

"I'm sorry I failed," Aïr said hoarsely, watching the man with the bangles closely.

"It happens. Be more careful," he said. The other nodded. The soldiers took their leave then, without so much as an explanation. Anna and Aïr seemed to understand, which didn't help Leon in the least. The nurse and doctor left a few minutes later. Anna went to clean herself up and get dressed again. Then the couple sat together quietly for what seemed like ages.

 _Say something. Tell me you're human,_ Leon silently begged them. The lack of emotion was unsettling.

"That wasn't so bad," Anna blurted after a while. The Carrier balked. Aïr didn't say anything. She looked at him. "What's wrong?"

"You sounded like you were dying," he said hesitantly.

"But I'm fine."

"Yeah, only because the Captain healed you."

"Right, and we can try again."

"And if he isn't so giving next time?"

"…I don't think he can do that until I at least give him a son."

Leon couldn't listen anymore. He made the camera crawl back into their bag so it could be taken home with them, but stopped the feed. His hands were shaking as his frazzled brain tried to make sense of what had happened. He missed an evening ceremony anticipating Cloud's arrival and instead, was kicked in the face. His skin was crawling. He had questions. So many questions. He shuffled out of his bed and shakily made his way over to Reno's door. He knocked quietly. The redhead answered quickly.

"Holy shit, what happened?" he blurted in surprise, taking in Leon's hollow expression.

"It wasn't Cloud," the brunette said blankly.

"Well there wasn't anything saying he didn't have siblings, was there?" Reno asked. Leon shook his head.

"He still doesn't."

"…I don't get it."

"His sister is dead."

"Stillborn?"

"No, probably tossed in an incinerator like a piece of garbage," Leon said. Reno furrowed his brows.

"That's not funny, don't joke like that."

"I'm not. I wish I was."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Wait, I need you to explain better," the redhead said, stepping aside and letting the other come in his bedroom. Reno's computer was open and broadcasting Rude's parents working together in their blacksmith shop. Leon was immediately envious of the normalcy. He sat on the edge of the redhead's bed and regurgitated the entire story back to him. Having to repeat it all and really think about all the details got him even more upset. He kept his gaze low, staring down at the lines in his palms, as the jitters sped up and made his eyes water.

"…She looked perfectly healthy but they just tossed her away because she wasn't male. I mean, maybe they saw something I didn't and she wouldn't have survived, but they kept saying over and over again 'let's hope for a son,' or 'give a son next time,' like that was the whole point. I don't know…" he trailed sadly, quiet tears dripping off the end of his nose. "Maybe it hurts me more because the females are such an integral part of my Totem but… I just couldn't imagine going through all that just to throw away a daughter or sister just because she didn't have the 'right' parts."

"It sort of makes sense though," Reno said, watching the brunette closely. Leon glanced at him, wiping at his eyes.

"How can you say that? It's cruel."

"Well, just because I can understand their mentality, it doesn't mean its okay. Think about it. Midgar is huge. They're a militaristic society for the most part and are trying to fuel an enormous war. Regulating births and population is probably a big part of that. Registering women when they're able to have children and making them keep up production until they get sons is probably a very efficient way of making sure they stay ahead of the game. If families are having a bunch of girls, it distracts them from having more kids, and the probability of more soldiers goes down the tube. If they only draft men, then they _need_ boys to be born. Burning the girls is a bit much though," the redhead explained.

"They could've given her to me. I would've been okay having her," Leon said flatly. Reno smiled.

"That's cute."

"I'm serious. Children aren't tissues."

"I know, but it's still cute. Sorry if I'm being weird but this is the most emotion you've ever shown me, even if the circumstances are awful. I'm happy you're willing to come to me. I thought you hated me."

"'Hate' is a strong word," Leon said, wiping the rest of his face dry. The redhead laughed.

"Can't even give me a little bit of satisfaction?"

"Of course not."

"Right. Silly me," Reno said. A brief silence hung between them.

"I really want to know how Anna could go through all that and just… be healed and walk away from it. That's probably the hardest part to understand. If Midgar has that kind of technology, we should go back home and tell the Technicians and have them come research it," the brunette said.

"Yeah I'm not sure about that one. Maybe that'd be a better question for the Elder or someone who's been around longer than we have."

"Possibly. Was the Elder angry I wasn't at the ceremony tonight?"

"No, I told him Cloud's mom was having the baby."

"Okay."

"You still sound upset. Are you going to be okay?"

"I… yeah. I just want a family so badly… the idea of throwing away one before it even starts is… unthinkable to me. It's scary to think what Cloud will be like being raised in that sort of society. I mean, will he have _any_ respect for women?"

"It's hard to say."

"Believe it or not, Aïr was the most human through all of it and I don't even know if he's Cloud's father. He's not exactly healthy and I don't know how long he'll be around. If he passes and Anna goes to someone else… I think he would've been the only chance at normalcy Cloud would've had. As much as I hate to admit it. Neither of them are high up on my respect list at this point."

"You have to look at it from their perspective though before you discount them. Assuming they were both born into that sort of life, this might be their normal. If you know no other way of life, then why would you think the current one is bad?"

"I suppose. It brings up a good question, though. Why do they think Balamb is so terrible? Is it because they're even crueler or are they just that much different?"

"That's a good point. I'll watch out for some answers for you."

"Yeah. Maybe I should really start paying attention to the news over there."

"Might be a decent place to start," Reno agreed. Leon nodded.

"Anything interesting happening on your end?" he asked.

"Well…" Reno trailed, looking thoughtful. "Rude's dad is renovating a room upstairs and they've been fucking like rabbits."

"…Sorry I asked."

"No no, it's important. I was supposed to come here and wait a couple years before Rude was estimated to be born. It's getting to be around that time, once mom goes through the pregnancy and all that. I'm excited."

"I'm happy for you," the brunette said, though his tone sounded far from it. He was having a difficult time keeping his envy at bay. He felt childish. He did ask, after all.

"Sorry, I'm not trying to brag."

"I know. I'm having a hard time with overall happiness; it's got nothing to do with you."

"Okay…but I'm still glad you came to me."

"Like I have much of a choice."

"Gee, how thoughtful."

"Can't let you win them all," Leon said curtly with a tiny smile in spite of himself.

"I won something?"

"You rationalized it all for me. So yes, you did win a little."

"Oh. Awesome," Reno twittered with a wide smile.

* * *

Leon spent a good portion of the next day spewing the story to the Elder. With a bit of sleep and a warm shower to calm him, he handled it much better. The Elder sat with him and quietly absorbed the entire tale, frowning in all the appropriate places. The Carrier spent as little time as possible explaining the birth process and dwelled on the puzzling healing afterward. When he was finished, the Elder took a minute to mull the information over.

"What you explained to me is commonplace. Especially in places like Balamb," it said. Leon's eyes widened in partial shock.

"Really?" he asked in utter disbelief. The Elder nodded.

"The Lifestream is in everything, you must remember. It is life itself. There are people in this world that can use it to manipulate the elements around them, Balamb being one of the most prevalent in the natural way of doing it. What you described to me sounded much like Midgar's way of manipulation and use of what is called Materia. Materia are sort of like their power plants. Where Balamb takes the energy from the earth to use and gives it back soon after, Materia does it the same way but keeps it locked within itself until it is used. As far as I'm aware, Midgar doesn't rely on the elements as much to fight though; they use brute force and their twisted soldiers. As such, I suspect this 'Captain' was given the privilege to use the Materia versus equipping every soldier with them. It would be a waste to do it otherwise with the death toll."

"But… people in Balamb just do it at will? How… I don't…" Leon trailed stupidly, unable to wrap his head around the concept.

"It takes a lot of training to do it properly without hurting yourself. Healing energy is the most difficult because it is the only kind that transfers. It doesn't return to the earth because the person receiving it holds onto it to use. It stays with them until they die. There are schools that teach the craft. Have you paid close attention to your paperwork?" the Elder asked. Leon furrowed his brows.

"Uh… which part?"

"Did you read anything about Balamb Garden?"

"…I think so. It sounded like some fruity housing development," he blurted. The Elder didn't catch the innuendo.

"It's one of the schools I was talking about."

"So I have to learn how to do this stuff?" Leon asked, his apprehension evident.

"We've tried to teach your kind the skills before and only a few have been able to have any marginal success. We're unsure if it's because you're not from here, or if it's your physical makeup that makes it so much more difficult but we're willing to try and train you. We have a few teachers and scholars here who have the gift, but it may not work with you."

"Why do you say that?"

"I'm not trying to be negative, Squall, but your demeanor doesn't lend me to believe otherwise. I've noticed how unresponsive you are during the evening ceremonies and your almost debilitating need to have an explanation and a reason for everything. Which is a good thing from a knowledge standpoint, but you don't give me the impression that you're capable of looking past that and can step into the realm of pure belief. These abilities take a lot of faith in the spirit of this planet and if you can't accept it and move past your doubt, you won't get very far."

"…Oh," Leon deadpanned.

"That's not to say you can't be successful at Balamb Garden. It's a military school regardless of what ability you have and though you may not end up being the most proficient in the craft, your strength will make you a valuable asset anyway. It's something to consider. You have the compassion in you to get upset over a loss of a life that has nothing to do with you. That's part of taking the first step. Life giving energy is the most difficult to master but it's also the most basic, because that's the Lifestream in its simplest form. If you can learn to hang onto that compassion and put it towards everything else, there is hope," the Elder said with a warm smile.

The Carrier didn't know what to think. He had mixed feelings. The desire to know how it all worked was dwarfing his confidence in his ability to let it all slide and take everything at face value. He would have to put aside everything he learned, everything he stressed and lost sleep over, and step into territory he didn't even know existed before coming to Plane 087. Physics, Biology, Chemistry, possibly even some basic Mathematics would all be warped just so he could have the opportunity to try and heal someone with his touch. He was skeptical. His knowledge base and the cold hard logical facts were what helped him keep control of things.

And control was the most important thing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

There was more to life than work, but Leon had a _very_ difficult time understanding that. Yes, there was family, but that part was directly proportional to the work, so it was a moot point. After his talk with the Elder, he took a while to sit in his room by himself and think. He decided that watching Cloud's parents wasn't a huge necessity since they didn't do much but drugs and have sex. He noticed that Reno didn't seem too concerned about watching Rude's parents and did it only when he had nothing else to do. The only problem with not watching Anna and Aïr was that it left little for the brunette to do otherwise. He was painfully aware of his social awkwardness and the idea of walking amongst the people and making friends was a little daunting. So he stuck with what was familiar.

He tagged along with Reno. Granted, the redhead wasn't his ideal choice, but he was better than nothing. He was still apprehensive about making connections with people that he would have to break when he needed to leave, but the loneliness was eating at him. It was hard to watch people who were obviously so in love with one another and then go back to life without that same comfort; albeit, Anna and Aïr's relationship was strange and a little twisted, but the emotions were real. He couldn't honestly admit to himself that he was going after Cloud like Reno was with Rude, for romance, but at the very least he wanted some companionship, someone to talk and relate to. He had no idea how that one would blow over, seeing as how Cloud had yet to be born.

The news was on and Aïr was diligently watching it like he tended to do. Leon had spent most of his day awkwardly wandering after Reno without much social success and felt the need to retreat into his bedroom and save some face. He was bored. Aïr was boring. Anna had gone somewhere. The Carrier was close to falling sleep when he heard some rather disturbing news from the woman on the television.

" _Soldiers patrolling outside the city's newest training camp discovered an out of place tent that had appeared overnight. Further investigation of the tent lead the soldiers to find two of their own, having homosexual intercourse. The offending men were promptly discharged from their unit, stripped of their citizenship, and taken to the city's borders where they were left to their own devices_ ," she explained with an extremely straight face, forceful almost. She turned to her side, showing two soldiers behind her. She held the microphone out to them and they jumped at the opportunity to speak.

" _Those disgusting faggots got it easy. Should've killed them and sent them back to Balamb where they probably came from_ ," one blurted snidely, his eyes glowing the brightest shade of blue Leon had ever seen. His buddy let out an obnoxious twitter before bursting into laughter.

" _They probably couldn't get a woman! Can you imagine?_ "

" _Dude, that's pathetic_."

" _It's easier than taking a dump, can't imagine why they'd go for each other._ "

" _Like this one_ ; _I'll take this one,_ " the snide one said, grabbing hold of the reporter's wrist and pulling her closer to himself. " _See? Easy._ " Her eyes got big and she tried to back away, but he yanked her to his chest with hardly any effort and tossed the microphone over his shoulder. His friend started laughing again and the impromptu couple started talking, the conversation lost in the background noise the microphone was picking up. The camera started panning around as the person manning it tried to find something else interesting to film, but it ended up back on the pair when the woman started screaming to be freed. The soldier's hands were up her shirt, his face twisted in a particularly fierce sneer. Leon stopped the feed before it could progress any further. The lack of censorship was a little startling, never mind the public raping, but he wasn't completely surprised.

It was depressing. Not only on a 'oh god how awful' standpoint a lot of people feel when they hear a bad story, but the Carrier couldn't even think of a way he'd make friends with someone from there. The only thing that kept him afloat mentally was the possibility that Cloud would be different. Not everyone turned out like their parents, he supposed. Not that he knew anything about parents, but he just assumed. Aïr was a little different, at least. Leon never caught him raping anyone as all his extraneous partners always seemed willing.

A few days passed, and the brunette spent most of that time cooped up in the inn, thinking. He had gone out and acquisitioned himself a pad of paper and a few pens. He was determined to do a bit of soul searching in a very analytical way. Taking the first things that came to mind, he made a series of lists. His likes, his dislikes, his flaws, things he didn't understand, things he was apprehensive about, and things he could easily change, be they about himself or his environment. Having to seriously think about himself and his attitude was a bit of a kick in the pride, but it was enlightening. He found he really regretted not taking more time to figure himself out before he jumped into his studies. He missed a lot.

"I'm sorry," he said abruptly during his next meal with Reno. The redhead stopped with his forkful of leaves halfway jammed into his mouth and stared at him confusedly.

"For what?" he asked.

"For being an ass."

"Oh. Uh, it's okay?" Reno said hesitantly. Leon stayed quiet and continued eating, focusing on his plate. "Can I ask what brought that on?"

"Just thinking. Seeing all the shit Midgar pumps out and how it compares to the dynamic here, and how negative I've been so far when I have no reason to be, just… I don't know. Whatever. Forget I said anything. I don't even know what I'm trying to say."

"No no! Tell me. Seriously. I want to know."

"I ah… just… you're lucky your Charge's parents live somewhere normal. Midgar is awful, and when I think about the people there and the people here, it's really kind of scary how huge the culture gap is. Then I think about myself, and how… well… how I'm myself and I realize that if I put Midgar and the village on either end of a scale, and put myself on there somewhere in between them, I'd probably be more towards the Midgar side than the village side in comparison."

"Don't talk about yourself like that. You're nothing like those people."

"Well what is my anti-socialism but another form of bigotry? I'm really struggling with being a part of everything just because it doesn't fit in my retarded mold that I've created for myself. I keep thinking about how you asked about how I found Cloud and whether or not I felt like he was my other half. Well he's not. I don't feel anything about him except 'oh shit, what asinine crap will I have to deal with?' But had I just waited, I might have actually felt something," Leon explained. He nudged his plate aside and leaned forward to rest his face in the crook of his arm on the table. "It makes me feel inhuman."

"So?" Reno said flatly. The brunette looked to him with a scowl.

"What do you mean 'so'? It's not exactly the best thing to feel, thanks for being so considerate," Leon spat.

"Yeah well, what do you want me to do? Baby you? You had a nice revelation about your life so now you have to dwell on your mistakes? Feh. Change if you're that concerned about it. I'm not going to stop you," the redhead said, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest.

"…Yeah I know I need to."

"Good. Work on it, and I'll be here if you need me. Otherwise, stop bitching. Move past it."

"Geeze, when did you get the authority stick shoved up your ass?"

"I like being happy. Your dumpy expression isn't letting me do that," Reno said grumpily.

"Oh," Leon deadpanned and sat up again. He pulled his plate to himself again and resumed eating. Reno did as well and they held a tense silence between them for the duration of the meal. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," Reno said, setting his fork down.

"You're more into the evening ceremonies than I am. Do… do you get anything out of them?" Leon asked hesitantly. He wasn't sure if he was being rude or not. The redhead looked contemplative for several uneasy minutes.

"I don't know if I get anything out of it like the Shumi do. I still haven't figured out a way to tastefully ask them what the hell is supposed to happen to be sure, but I do feel something. I don't know the words to their songs but I know the tune, and when they sing I can listen and _really_ hear it. Like… in my head, which is weird to say, but I feel like it's more in there than in my ears. It's where I hear the weird screechy whale noise too. Not sure what to think about that one though."

"Do you believe there's more to what they do than they let on?"

"Personally, I do. Part of me wants to say that they're all part of some goofy cult or something, but when I read the books, their stories and their history, it goes so far back that it's almost unreal. Christianity and Judaism, hell, even Paganism aren't even as old as some of their literature says their beliefs are. But, just like the religions we're familiar with, no one can say for absolute certain whether or not these things exist. People who believe don't have an excuse other than their faith, and if theirs is as old as they say it is, I find it hard to believe that so many people can follow it without any evidence having shown up at some point. I'm sure if we asked they'd tell us that everything that happens at the evening ceremonies is evidence of their faith but I don't understand it enough to get what they get. But I do think there's something there."

"Have you figured anything out about Balamb? Or the healing stuff?"

"No. Sorry. I wish I had, I'm curious."

"Damn…" Leon sighed.

"What did the Elder tell you about it?"

"That I wouldn't understand the healing if I couldn't go with pure belief in what they do or something like that. It was a little cryptic, but supposedly there are others in the village that can teach me. I want to try, but this whole religious thing is a bit daunting."

"…No one offered to teach me," Reno said, sounding pouty.

"Maybe it doesn't matter as much if you learn or not. Apparently I can try and learn it for the school I'm supposed to go to in Balamb."

"Hmm…" the redhead hummed, thinking.

"Anyway, thanks for not rubbing my apology in my face."

"Why would I do that?" Reno asked. Leon shrugged.

"My pride told me you probably would."

"Sounds more like an insecurity than pride."

"Why do you say that?"

"Pride, to me, is what you have when you don't give a damn about what people think or do in response to whatever you do. Confidence goes hand-in-hand with that I suppose, but having pride in yourself and what you do is probably the first stepping stone. The confidence part is what everyone else sees. Maybe I'm mixing words up, but I don't think pride is a bad thing to have."

"I suppose I can agree with that."

"Are you proud of yourself then? Do you really have pride?" Reno asked, serious faced. Leon thought about it for a moment.

"No. I'm not proud of myself. I have nothing to show for my effort. Yeah, I can study and fuck around test tubes, but I understand there's more to it than that. I… don't have any people close to me."

"Well what about the others at your facility?"

"I don't feel close to them. I didn't feel like I'd miss them when I left. I still don't. Not much, anyway," the brunette said, focusing on the wood grain of the table in front of him. Reno gave him a small withering smile that he didn't see.

"I forget you're a lot younger than I am, sometimes."

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well you talk like you're so much more mature than you are, just going on your terms and language skills, but you're still _really_ inexperienced in a _ton_ of the things you need in order to live happily."

"Thanks for kicking me while I'm down," Leon sighed sarcastically, looking up through his bangs and giving the redhead a glare. Reno laughed a little.

"It's true though. You can't get everything you need out of a textbook. If you haven't gone out and done anything aside from all that, then you're not experienced. When it comes time to leave the village and go out and find Cloud, I encourage you to go out and just… do shit. You're allowed to have a life before him, you know."

"Maybe… are you going to do the same before you find Rude?"

"Probably not much, but I'm not the one who's never left the proverbial nest."

"Oh really? I don't believe you could've done much more than I could've, even if I did have siblings."

"You think?" Reno said, a sly curl tugging up the corner of his mouth in a smirk. "I never said I was a virgin, or a homosexual, or tied to my facility, or even my dome. I never said I was an angel. Just because I'm excited for Rude and running my project, it doesn't mean that the previous twenty-five years were spent holed up in my bedroom reading."

"… _Oh_ ," Leon clipped, looking off to the side.

"I'm actually not proud of a lot of the stuff I did. I broke a lot of rules and got in a lot of trouble with a lot of people. Pissed off my family a good deal, was chased around by Technicians some, and tossed in quarantine a few times. My only regret is that I have enemies now. Not a lot, but some. It'll be hard to admit that stuff to Rude, but I plan on it."

"What all did you do?" the brunette asked. Reno stayed quiet before he gave a short laugh, a quick huff of air through his nostrils.

"Honestly? I don't feel comfortable sharing it with you."

"I see."

"Sorry."

"It's fine."

"Well… if you can work on yourself a little, maybe we can be friends enough to where I will share. But not right now."

"Okay," the brunette said. There was a small pause as he let the words sink in before he stiffly stood from his seat and took their plates into the kitchen proper and rinsed them. He was getting tired of all the unknowns and unanswered questions, but Reno had made many good points that he couldn't ignore.

Leon had a bit of growing up to do.

* * *

The brunette sincerely hoped no one would think he was insane, or being disrespectful. After the next evening ceremony, he milled about quietly while the crowd dissipated and the village went to sleep. Reno eventually left him as well. Once he was alone, Leon sat close to the blackened glass dome in the center of the cathedral and watched it. He wasn't expecting anything amazing to happen, or to get anything out of it, but he persisted, and sat quietly with an empty mind, trying to see if he could understand its significance.

He had tried to follow along during the ceremony, but nothing came of it. To him, it was the same thing with his eyes closed as it was with them open, and the songs were just as confusing. The concept of prayer was lost on him. He still didn't feel like he should worship or hold 'Eden' on high like the rest of the people seemed to. Whoever Eden was. He was pretty sure that's what the planet itself was called, regardless. Whether or not the 'spirit' of it was called 'Eden,' he couldn't say. He would have to remember to ask someone later.

After sitting for over an hour, and getting nothing, he decided to leave. He was forcing himself to be patient, but it nagged him with how difficult it was for him. He felt like he was trying to convert himself to a religion he didn't believe in or understand. He wasn't even sure he wanted to go that far, either. Floods of uncertainties and questions crowded into his mind as he walked, and he stopped himself to take a deep breath and let it all go. He was tired of dwelling.

"Are you alright?" a soft and quiet voice piped from behind him. He startled and turned around quickly. The Shumi before him he recognized as the Bead Maker. The masters of the various crafts in the village, the ones that taught them to others, were often referred to by a title, versus a name. Even in common conversation the title persisted, leading Leon to believe they didn't have a regular name to begin with. He had never had an extended conversation with the Bead Maker, but it was one of the mellower Shumis and sat in the back of its market stand with its pupils and quietly made the beads everyone else used to make other things with, just as the title said.

"I'm fine," he said quickly.

"You seem lost."

"No, I know where I am," he insisted. The Bead Maker smiled and laughed quietly under its breath.

"I meant like you were thinking too hard about something."

"Oh." The Carrier shrugged. "I think a lot."

"What about, if I can pry a little?" the Shumi asked, stepping closer to him. Leon fidgeted, the air becoming awkward.

"Far too much to explain in one night," he said. The Bead Maker nudged his arm gently and motioned for them to keep walking. The Carrier obliged, but hesitantly. He wasn't prepared to get into a lengthy conversation about his problems.

"The Elder told me that I may be needed in the near future, to act as your mentor for when you prepare to leave for your school."

"Mentor for what, exactly?"

"The craft."

"Oh… the stuff with the Lifestream?"

"Yes."

"I haven't gotten very far with trying to convince myself to let go of everything I know, I'm afraid."

"The Elder said it would be an obstacle, yes," the Shumi said, heading down a path towards one of the deltas versus the other direction towards the inn. Leon stiffly walked after it, confused. They stopped at the tiny pond at the end of the stream. The Bead Maker went to the bank and crouched down to look in the water. Leon waited off to the side, feeling anxious.

"Should I be doing something?" he asked. The Shumi shook its head.

"For most, stepping into the realm of belief and faith is difficult if they've never been exposed to it before. They may be aware of it, but to truly experience what the faithful do, it takes a great amount of effort. It's made easier when something happens to them that they cannot explain. So far, I don't get the impression that you've ever had something like that. What we've shown you already is forgettable if you're not willing to take it for what it's worth. Would you say that's a fair assessment?"

"I suppose."

"Glad you agree," the Shumi said, reaching forward. It pulled its hands from its elongated sleeves and stuck its wiggly fingers in the water. A pale green circle etched itself in the ground around its feet. As the line was made, several shining blue and violet orbs popped up from the earth and drifted into the air before dissipating. The strange lights and lines disappeared quickly, the whole show having lasted barely a second. The Bead Maker stood again, taking its hands out of the water. With them, it brought a globe of water with a fish floating inside. The liquid sloshed and wiggled around, but it stayed in a general circular shape as the Shumi walked it over to the Carrier and held it out for him to see. The fish seemed content enough in its bubble and Leon stared at it, speechless.

"I don't…" he trailed quietly, looking around the globe and under the Shumi's hands. He stuck a finger in the water and pulled it out again. The globe retained it shape and his skin came away wet, as it should have.

"It would make fishing a lot easier if you could do this, yes?"

"Yeah…" Leon said, voice shocked and hardly above a whisper. His brain had fried itself trying to understand and he just stood there, stupidly staring at the fish. "I'm… confused."

"I expected you would be."

"How did you learn?" he asked. The Bead Maker stepped to the stream and set the globe back in the water. The fish swam away, unharmed. It replaced its sleeves over its hands.

"The same way everyone does. I was taught by someone else who knew how."

"Is… do… augh," Leon sighed and rubbed his eyes. "This is too much."

"Is it really that overwhelming?"

"It is when you spent so much time and energy learning things. Everything in my world abides by the basic rules that I learned, and if something changes, we learn how it fits in the rules. Everything I've been taught was just thrown out the window. I sort of feel like it was a giant waste of time to learn it all. I didn't think this place would be _that_ different," the Carrier sighed.

"I apologize. Your reaction is understandable. The others before you had similar ones. I urge you to move past it though, if you have the desire to learn. You have time."

"How do I start?" Leon asked, feeling a little like he was pleading with the Shumi.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that. I don't know you as well as you know yourself, so I don't know all that is stopping you from believing. Think on it. Take some time to absorb it all. If you want to speak to me about moving forward once you're alright again, you know where my stall is in the market," the Bead Maker said with a small smile. Leon nodded deftly and the Shumi left quietly, heading back towards the village.

He sat on the bank of the stream and stuck his feet in the water. He thought back to when Zack was quizzing him on the elemental opposites, and could understand why it was important to know them, finally. Before, he couldn't get why he had to care. But beyond that, Zack didn't know anything. Leon wished he had someone else other than Reno to talk to; someone like Zack or Tifa who knew him better and could help take some of his anxiety away. Why he was so shaken, so scared to even give it a try, he didn't know. That was probably more frightening than the idea of actually going out and doing it.

He felt a bit silly for letting it get to him so much. In the end, he would be returning home, and things would fall back into place again. He would have a better grasp at everything there, and the exposure to the new things of Plane 087 he could chalk up to life experience. Good stories for the grandkids, anyway. It was logical to focus on what was in front of him instead of the whole picture. It was illogical to think he could consider everything at all times and not get overwhelmed. Then it dawned on him. He was anxious, because he was overwhelmed, not necessarily fearful. He took a deep breath, feeling a bit better now that he had rationalized his feelings. Between the Shumi customs, their religious acts and capabilities, and everything he had seen from Midgar, he agreed with himself that it was okay for him to feel the way he did.

He wasn't losing control; he just had to focus on the important things.

* * *

When Rude's mother discovered that she was pregnant, Reno became an insatiable mass of touchy-feely giddiness that made Leon _extremely_ uncomfortable. He locked himself in his bedroom to avoid the redhead's bone crushing hugs and constant excited chattering about cute things and babies. He agreed that babies were nice, but after three days of hearing about it, he was fed up. But Reno stopped after a few days and things calmed down back to its disjointed normalcy. Leon was getting concerned that he wasn't hearing anything about Anna's pregnancy, or at least, when she was ordered to be pregnant by.

One thing was for certain though, Aïr's health was failing. The man was starting to stay in bed all day instead of moving to the couch in front of the television. Not every day, but if he woke up and didn't start moving right away, it was a safe bet he was staying where he was. The massive discoloration on his leg had crept its way up onto his torso, stopping in the middle of his ribcage and was spreading around that general area versus continuing upward. As a result, his breathing was impaired. Leon was willing to bet the man was functioning with only one lung, if not even less. Anna stayed with him as much as she could, while still taking care of the house and herself. Their Mako use slowed, which was probably the only good thing, but so did the sex, which was bad.

After several months, a man showed up at their door unexpectedly. He looked less like a soldier and more like a scientist with how much white he was wearing, but he had the same crest on his jacket that the military used. Two regular soldiers were with him, both of which looked to be incredibly young; each probably less than twenty years old. Anna was surprised to see them, but her expression grew worrisome when she realized who they were. They pushed themselves inside without much of a greeting.

"I'm here for your checkup," the man in white said.

"Checkup?" Anna asked, trying to sound surprised. The man's expression turned sarcastic and he rolled his eyes.

"You can't be serious. Are you really that ignorant?"

"No… but I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. I haven't checked yet this month," the woman defended, her posture timid. The man stuck his hand in the pocket of his coat and pulled out a small device that looked to Leon like a cross between a diabetes blood sugar meter and an oximeter.

"Give me your hand," he ordered and held out his own. Anna held out hers to him, and he turned it over to use the device to scan her barcode. It beeped, he watched its little screen for a second, then pressed a button on its side. Something poked out the top of it and he jabbed the woman in the palm with it, a needle apparently. Anna squeaked as a bead of blood bubbled up into her palm. The man pushed another button, the needle went back in, and was it replaced by an absorbent strip that he stuck in the blood. Once a sufficient amount was sucked up, the device beeped again, he let go of her hand, and watched the screen again. Anna went to rinse her palm in the sink.

"Well?" one of the soldiers asked, peeking over the man's shoulder. He shook his head.

"She's not. Go ahead," he said plainly. Anna's expression turned fearful and she looked over her shoulder at them.

"But I already have someone," she said.

"And obviously he's not fulfilling his role, now is he?" the man in white questioned impatiently.

"He's not well…"

"Even more of a reason to take care of things, then."

"But… I don't…"

"You don't what? Don't want to? Well, that's fine, I can take your citizenship papers then and you can leave. I won't stop you. This city doesn't need disobedience, and can find more willing souls elsewhere. Have a good time in Balamb," he said snidely.

"No! I…"

"Your only obligation to this country is to produce soldiers. You have complete freedom otherwise. I don't understand why the women of this country feel that it's that difficult. The men are the ones going out and fighting for all the freedoms we give you, risking their lives every day just so you can live comfortably and freely, however you like. It's unfair to ask them to do it all for nothing. If you can't fulfill your purpose, well, then they're just fighting a senseless war, now aren't they? May as well go back a hundred and fifty years to the way things used to be. Do you want that?" he asked, stepping closer to the woman, whose expression was turning absolutely guilt ridden.

"No…" she said quietly, watching the floor. "Can't we just have a little more time though?" she asked. Her answer was a quick backhand across the face, the force of which made her stagger.

"Do not try to circumvent my authority by begging. You do as I say, or you leave. Understood?" he said sternly. Anna, eyes wet and glistening, nodded silently and made her way to the door into her bedroom. She stuck her face into the room, peeking at Aïr.

"Aïr… I…" she stammered.

"I heard it all. It's fine," he clipped in response, his back to her. His expression was blank, unfeeling, and his words were empty and flat. Anna sniffled and closed the door again. The man in white looked to the two soldiers, gave them a nod, and headed for the front door as they made their way towards the woman.

Leon stopped the feed before they even got to her and closed his computer. He could assume what happened next, and it sent a sharp pang through his chest to think about it. He sighed as he mulled the man in white's words over. It was clear to him that Anna and Aïr lived in the capitol city of Midgar, which was conveniently named 'Midgar' as well, but the demographics were a little blurry still. Going by what Reno had told him, Gongaga was technically part of Midgar's territory, and obviously Rude's parents weren't pressured for soldier production like the people in the capitol were. So it made Leon wonder, were these laws limited to just the capitol? Or did other cities and territories have them, and just not Gongaga? He really wished he had the internet or something to tell him. It seemed like an easy enough topic to find. Regardless of the fine details, he didn't like the situation at all.

He started watching the couple again, after giving them an hour to themselves. The soldiers and the man in white were gone, and Aïr was sitting up in bed with Anna pressed into his chest. She clung to him, sobbing and naked, her back covered in welts and scratches. Whether or not she put up some resistance or the soldiers were just that rough with her, Leon couldn't decide, but it made him feel better to believe she at least _tried_ to defend herself. He wasn't okay with complete submission.

"Leon?" Reno's voice piped from the other side of his door. The brunette pushed himself out of his bed and opened it for him and went back to sit.

"What do you need?" he asked. The redhead furrowed his brows and stepped in the room.

"Who's crying?" he asked, completely ignoring Leon's inquiry.

"Anna."

"Why?"

"Because she's a baby factory."

"Uh…"

"She was raped."

"Fuck."

"Yep."

"You sound unconcerned. That scares me."

"Oh I'm plenty concerned. Just… numb. It's really awful to say, but I'm sort of used to it, even if it hurts every time it happens," Leon said, folding his legs and setting his computer on them. Reno came and sat next to him and peeked at the screen with a frown.

"Where do they live? A warehouse?"

"No, that's just the way their house always looks. They're in the capitol."

"Ick. That place is gross," Reno said, scrunching his face up in disdain.

"I know. The whole place is depressing."

"Well no wonder you're dumpy all the time. I would be too if I had to watch that shit," the redhead scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest with a huff. He squinted at the screen for a second and leaned closer. "What is on that guy's stomach?" he asked.

"Geostigma. At least I think it is. No one's actually said what it is, but I'm fairly confident in that assumption."

"Oh. Ew. He looks moldy."

"You know, I understand you're trying to make light of the situation and joke around, but it's sort of insulting and I'm not even the one you're talking about."

"Sorry."

"Just tone it down. I'm not really in the mood."

"Understandable."

"Anyway, what did you want?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to say 'hi.' I didn't see you hardly at all today."

"Oh. Hi," Leon clipped, his patience waning.

"The evening ceremony is soon, did you want to go together?" Reno asked, watching the brunette's flat expression carefully.

"That's fine," Leon responded with a slight monotone. He stopped the feed and closed his computer again and set it aside. Reno furrowed his brows together as the other Carrier's expression stayed blank and stony. He put his hand on Leon's shoulder.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm fine. I'm just really tired of Midgar's 'culture.' It's a repetitive cycle, and I can't see the end of it."

"Well… how long do you have until Cloud is supposed to come?"

"A few years still. It was stupid of me to think he would be early. I sort of kicked myself in the balls with that one."

"Yeah a little, but I understand that desire. I wish Rude would get here already."

"I'm aware," Leon snorted with a wry smirk. "At this point, the wait just means I get to watch Anna go through a couple more awful pregnancies before we get to the important part. I'm really not looking forward to it."

"You don't _have_ to watch."

"I know. But I don't want to miss anything that might matter later on."

"I see. I don't know what to tell you, then."

"You don't have to say anything. It's just the way it is," Leon said. Reno patted his back a few times before standing.

"Anyway, let's get you out and away from all the negativity," he said, forcing his tone to sound happier. Leon nodded and followed him out of the room. The redhead had finally learned how to walk down the narrow staircase without hurting himself, and they were at the cathedral quickly. The people were already milling about and socializing with one another. The brunette found it easier to find distinctions between the individuals now that had been there a while, and could pick out a few familiar faces and put names to them. One of which was the Bead Maker, who saw him and quickly made its way over.

"Good evening Squall," it said with a smile. Leon gave it a tiny one in return. "I'm going to try and help you today."

"Help me with what?"

"Your experience with the ceremony."

"Oh… was I doing it wrong or something?" he asked confusedly. The Bead Maker laughed.

"Maybe a little, but you'll understand what I mean if I can help any. I'm not sure I can, but it won't hurt to try."

The Elder made its way to the front of the congregation and everyone sat, as was the routine. It said its nightly speech, adding another day to the count of how many the people have been gathering, and asked about new business. There was nothing to report; there rarely was. The Bead Maker sat across from the russet Carrier as the ceremony began. It wrapped its huge noodle hands around his, completely engulfing them as the singing started. Leon tried not to focus on how weird and icy the Shumi's skin felt against his and closed his eyes like he was supposed to. He could hear Reno humming next to him and listened closely to the tune and the words he didn't understand. He wasn't sure what else he was supposed to be doing.

Shortly after the ceremony went into full swing, Leon could feel his hands becoming substantially warmer, sweat worthy even. The singing seemed to get louder just before the ethereal whale squealing started. When it did, it was much louder than all of the previous ceremonies had been and Leon scowled, but kept his eyes closed. His vision lightened, like someone had come along and shined a light through his eyelids. His skin broke out in goosebumps and he shivered even though he felt impossibly warm.

Thin greenish stings, the Lifestream, drifted into his line of sight and curled around and around, billowing upwards and forming into a semi-discernable figure. It looked like a woman, but it was distant and blurry. It was just an outline, a squiggly outline, and hardly anything substantial, be he could see it. As the otherworldly howling continued and grew turbulent, the figure started crumbling apart piece by piece. Leon could hear some of the Shumi start crying, as they did every evening, as the figure fell onto a surface that he couldn't see. Its disintegrating body was dragged upwards by an invisible force, the whale-like wailing morphing into a melancholic and desperate cry. The people grew more and more upset as the figure faded, being forcibly yanked up and out of sight.

The howling stopped abruptly, the vision cleared, Leon's sight grew back to normal and aside from the sniffling and sobbing of the people around him, it was quiet. He peeled his eyes open timidly, unsure if he was supposed to, and saw the Bead Maker watching him, its face completely drenched in tears. It gave him a small wobbly smile.

"Did you see?" it asked quietly. Leon, unable to think of anything to say, gave it a tiny nod. The Bead Maker's smile widened, but its expression was still mourning.

"What did I see?" he asked confusedly, once he could get his voice to work. The Shumi let go of his hands and took a deep breath.

"Midgar started up another power plant somewhere. They most likely took another city."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"You know, I've come to realize that you got to keep your name when we crossed over. Care to explain that one to me?" Leon asked grumpily, giving Reno a small glare from across the dinner table. The redhead stopped mid-chew and quirked a brow.

"Wellth mithth—"

"Please don't spew foodstuffs at me," the brunette sighed. Reno swallowed his mouthful of salad before trying again.

"Right. Well, my cousin Andrea is good friends with Aqua. So she was able to get her to do my paperwork instead of letting Xemnas do it. They use a random word generator to pick a name, so like someone could end up with _Snot_ written on their paperwork and it would've been fine with them. I'm really happy I didn't have to go through that. Sucks to be you, though," the redhead chuckled. Leon was not amused.

"That's not even fair."

"Eh, I guess," Reno said with a shrug. "Are you going to have Cloud call you 'Leon' then?"

"It'd probably be really hard to explain why there's a difference. Everyone else would be calling me 'Squall' and stuff but… whatever. I'll let him call me whatever he wants to and fuck him over when we get home and change it."

"So charming. Already plotting to mess with him. I like it. It's a bold plan."

"No doubt he'd be confused to hell and back anyway once we get there. What's one more detail?"

"How do you figure?"

"Well if he's uneducated, the chances of him understanding _anything_ over there are pretty nonexistent. Hopefully he's a quick study. I really don't want to be a father figure to him. That's just weird."

"You think? If you don't plan on romancing him, then why couldn't you be a father figure to him? Or at least a guardian of some sort. Mentor. Whatever. Words," Reno blurted, waving a dismissive hand while he tripped over his language.

"I don't know what I want from him yet. So until I decide that, I'd rather not plan for something. Also, I really can't rationalize instantaneous love when it comes to a picture. I need to know what he's like."

"I totally love Rude already. If not for him personally, but for the idea that he's mine whether he knows and/or likes it or not. I'm determined to take him with me, or die trying."

"That's… extremely possessive."

"Yep. And I'm okay with it," Reno said with a wide smile. "I looked for him for a _long_ time, went through _thousands_ of profiles, so I am one hundred percent certain we're going to be great together."

"…I'm not really sure what to say to that. Did you look for men specifically?"

"No. I didn't. But shortly after I chose him, I realized it's probably better that he is male. It's a lot easier to get along with someone in an alien environment when the experience is pleasurable. I'd have a hard time with the ethics behind convincing a woman to follow me, only to have her find out that I need to jab a bunch of needles in her in order to get what we need for the project. And no way am I going to settle for hair or skin samples. That shit's too unstable. So 'jerk off in this cup' sounds way better than 'hang on, I'll get the javelin' when you think about it."

"Javelin?"

"Have you _seen_ the needles some of the women use? Holy fuck. They make my testicles creep up into my chest cavity in fear."

Silence.

"Okay maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration," Reno laughed. "But seriously, those things are massive."

"I don't think they're all that big," Leon said. The redhead gaped at him.

"Are you serious? They're like six inches long!"

"…I think we're thinking about different needles."

"I'm talking about the ones they stab into ovaries to suck eggs out."

"Oh. Yeah, those are huge, but I was talking about IV ones. I've never seen the other ones used before. Tifa doesn't work with her eggs very often."

"Good. Don't go near them. They make my skin crawl, eugh…" Reno said, shivering a bit and scrunching his face up. He shoved his plate away from himself. "I don't even want to eat anymore."

"I'm sorry?" Leon questioned, popping another cube of fish in his mouth. Reno gave him a sarcastic glare.

* * *

Aïr passed away around six months into Anna's next pregnancy. The morning started off like any other, with the woman getting up first and going about her business before waking him up. But when he didn't stir, the panic was immediate. She shook him, quietly trying to wake him as tears sprung from her eyes without much warning. She called his name over and over again, each time growing more frantic than the previous until she couldn't say it anymore and gave up, buried her face in his chest and heaved wailing incoherent sobs that shook her entire body.

The evening before that hadn't been much different than the norm. He was alert and talking, they laughed a bit together, and carried on like they normally did. The only difference was that he could hardly move. The extra six months of deterioration didn't do him any favors, and by the time he died, almost half of his body was covered in infectious tissue. He didn't eat as much, didn't move more than necessary, and couldn't do anything for himself. But Anna had been right there and more than willing to do it all for him. Leon liked to think his death was peaceful.

The Carrier had no idea how long the couple had been together. Or for that matter, how old either of them was. They never had any family to visit, or many friends to see. It was just them, in their dilapidated little house, engrossed in one another all day every day. Aïr was Anna's entire world, as far as Leon knew, and her hysterics proved it as she climbed back in bed with him and cradled his face against her chest, her face hidden in his hair. She stayed there for almost the entire day without anyone to talk to or comfort her. She also slept next to him that night. It wasn't until two days after his death that she left the house to find someone to help her, and even then, she was distant.

He didn't have a funeral or a proper burial for anyone to attend. A group of people simply showed up at the house and carried him off while Anna sat on the sidelines sobbing. Afterward, she went to bed, and stayed there for another two days. She didn't eat, or bathe. Leon was concerned, though he could understand her feelings. She was still pregnant when it was all said and done, and he didn't want to think she would be okay with giving birth to a sickly child simply because she was too depressed to take care of herself. He actually considered asking the Elder if he could take a trip to see her, just so he could lend an ear. Her isolation was worrisome.

But before he could move forward with any unreasonable planning, she started eating again and keeping herself clean. She left the house as she normally did, to go the market or wherever, but she didn't talk to anyone. She kept her eyes low and expression empty, trying to disappear as much as possible. Her nights were spent mourning, hugging Aïr's pillow to her face and waiting for the tears to put her to sleep. It lasted weeks. The constant cycle of isolation, mourning, and anti-socialism reminded him too much of himself and after a while, he just stopped watching. He went a few days of leaving her alone and came back without much change.

Rude was born late into Anna's pregnancy. Leon didn't see Reno very much for almost a week afterward, as the redhead was glued to his computer for nearly every second he could be. It was a bittersweet time for the brunette. He was happy for Reno and sort of happy his obnoxious jabber was sated, but Anna's depressing situation made Leon's desire for companionship just a bit more apparent. He didn't feel comfortable dumping his woes on the Shumi populace. They weren't even his woes to begin with, technically, and he felt strange for being affected so much. It confused him when he sat and thought about his feelings seriously. He didn't have any intention on meeting Anna face-to-face, so why did he feel so connected? He was pretty sure if he watched a worm for the same amount of time he had been watching her, he wouldn't give two damns about it and would probably go fishing with it.

Things compounded themselves when it was time for Anna to give birth again. This time though, she didn't go to the hospital like she was supposed to. The only reason either of them found out that she was supposed to be there is when people showed up at the house to come take her. It was the same Captain that was there for her first pregnancy, followed by two different soldiers. Another scientist-looking man was with them and they pushed their ways inside without giving the woman any warning. She had been sitting in front of the television and was on her feet quickly in surprise. The Captain stepped to her and grabbed her wrist.

"You missed your induction, is there a problem?" he asked angrily, his eyes boring a hole into the woman's forehead. She stared up at him with her mouth hanging open uselessly.

"I… forgot. A lot has happened…"

"Where is your man? Is he too ignorant to remember a schedule for you?" the Captain barked and looked around the room. Anna's eyes dropped to the floor, tears automatically welling up and dripping off her cheeks.

"He's gone," she whispered, sniffling. The man looked at her, and his expression softened just enough to make him look civil. He sighed.

"Alright fine. Come on. You still have an appointment to keep," he said flatly and tugged her towards the door. Leon's camera skittered after him and clung to the bottom hem of his pant leg and held on tight.

Everyone piled into a small car that had been parked in the middle of the road just outside. It was nondescript and plain; hardly anything Leon would've expected a government vehicle to look like. Anna sat in the back, wiping her face dry and keeping her gaze low. One of the soldiers sat next to her and she tried to scrunch herself up against the side of the car as much as she could. He sat far too close to her and her discomfort was immediate. He stretched his arm across the back of the seat behind her and reached around to her opposite shoulder. He nudged her none too gently and practically forced her to lean against him. She did so stiffly, trying to keep herself safe, but still resisted as much as possible. She didn't look at him, and the bottom half of her body was as far away from his as she could get it while her shoulder just barely leaned against his side.

The trip to the hospital was significantly quicker this time around, much to Leon's relief. Anna stayed quiet the entire time while her impromptu escort kept her in place. He helped her from the car, held the door for her, and walked next to her all the way to the room where she was to be induced. It was exactly the same as the previous room, and the scientist-looking man departed as soon as they made it. Again, the Captain pulled out his tiny handheld device and looked over her paperwork while they waited for the nurse and doctor. Anna sat on the bed quietly. Her escort sat in the chair Aïr had sat in before. The other soldier stood dutifully by the door.

"So you are by yourself then?" the Captain asked abruptly, shattering the awkward silence. Anna looked to him and nodded quietly. "Unless you have someone else that's willing to assist you, I will put you on the rotation roster."

 _The what?_ Leon asked himself.

"I don't have anyone else, no," she said.

"I'll do it," the soldier in the chair volunteered. Anna's attention snapped back to him, eyes wide.

"But I don't want—"

"That will work. Fine," the Captain agreed and poked away at his tiny device. Anna looked like she wanted to protest but hesitated before closing her mouth and looking down at the floor. The volunteer leaned over the arm of the chair and stuck his face into her line of vision.

"Did you want me to come to you? Or did you want to stay with me?" he asked. She looked away.

"It doesn't matter," she said flatly.

"It'd be more convenient if you stay with me. Plus, it'd get you out of that dump," he said nonchalantly, sitting up in his chair again. Her expression was blank, unfeeling, but she nodded. He smiled. "Good."

The nurse and the doctor came in shortly after their exchange and the horrendous birthing process started all over again. Anna was stripped of her pants, stabbed with a needle, and bled for a good half hour before the child was born. Leon had to search and search for the option to mute the audio when her screaming started, and looked away from the screen through most of it. He hated it. He still couldn't fathom how much pain she must have been going through, but it was quicker than the first time around, thankfully. The Captain took the child and inspected it again as it wailed away. He shook his head, and handed it off to the soldier at the door.

"Burn it," he said with a deep sigh. The soldier left quietly. The Captain turned to the soldier in the chair. "Hopefully you can do better. Don't disappoint me."

"I don't plan to, sir," the soldier said. The Captain nodded and stepped to Anna. He hovered his hand over her face again, pressed one of the Materia on his bangle in and spun it around again. Leon watched closely as the woman was healed, but he couldn't pick out a clue as to how it worked. He was left in the dark again, confused. Anna sat up and went to clean herself off in the bathroom, her posture sagging. The doctor left and the nurse cleaned the bed. The Captain typed away on his device with a grumpy scowl.

 _I wonder if they even understand how genetics work_ , Leon asked himself. So far, when a girl was born, it was apparently up to the man in the relationship to make sure it didn't happen again. But that's not how things work. No one has direct control over a natural birth. Knowing much more than they did about the subject bothered the Carrier greatly. He was concerned about the quality of aftercare if a boy is born. Was it even adequate? And for that matter, what happens once a boy _is_ born? Does the government still take away the girls that happen afterward? If they do, where do the extra women come from? So many questions, so few answers.

Anna came back and got dressed once she was clean. The group left together and filed back into the vehicle. Leon couldn't allow himself to get upset anymore. He felt it; the loss of another perfectly healthy life was there, but in order to keep himself sane, he purposefully forced himself to forget about it. There was nothing he could do to change it and he knew it, but it didn't make it any less painful. Anna didn't seem to register what was going on. She was blank and hollow looking. Her eyes were unfocused and stony as she stared ahead of herself.

She exited the vehicle quietly when they rolled to a stop in front of her dumpy little house. Leon was prepared to stop the feed and let her be blank and unfeeling by herself but he stopped when he realized the volunteer soldier was following her inside. The car left them both there, and Leon's heart fell into the pit of his stomach when he realized what was probably going to happen. He was torn between watching and figuring it out and turning it off and saving himself the stress.

"My name is Samael," the soldier said as he closed the front door behind himself.

"Annaicé," Anna replied dully and sat on the sofa again.

"Do you have anything you want to take with you before we leave here? I wouldn't worry about clothing or your toothbrush and things. Can't be very clean anyway," the soldier said, looking around. Leon shuddered as he remembered his camera's natural insect look-alikes roaming the floors and walls of the hovel. He was sort of happy Anna was leaving there if for that reason alone. The woman nodded and went into the bedroom. She wasn't in there but a minute before she reemerged with a book Leon had never seen before. She hugged it to her chest and approached Samael quietly.

"This is it," she said.

 _Leaving so soon?_ the Carrier questioned. They were there hardly ten minutes.

"You're sure?" he asked. She nodded, eyes low. "You don't seem very thrilled about leaving. I would think you'd be happy to live elsewhere."

"It doesn't have anything to do with this house. Or leaving it."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I don't love you."

"I don't love you either, but I'm sure you'd prefer to not be put on the rotation roster. Or do you want to? Have a new man visit you every other day to make sure you don't fall by the wayside and shirk your responsibilities?"

"No…"

"Then I consider myself generous for offering you an outlet."

"…Yes," Anna said hesitantly. "I just… didn't want anyone else yet."

"Unfortunately you don't have an option. Not unless you want to lose your citizenship."

"I know," she sighed. Samael stepped to her and put his hands on her shoulders.

"You'll be better off there than here. I'm sure of it."

* * *

Try as he might, Leon couldn't get much more out of the evening ceremonies than what he already had. In fact, the only time he could get _anything_ was with the Bead Maker's assistance. He couldn't get the visions to come by himself, even though he tried to let them in as best as he thought he could. After months and months of trying, he stopped. He figured if he was supposed to have them, he would, otherwise he would focus his energy elsewhere. The Bead Maker seemed to understand. It tried to help him let go of his doubts surrounding everything, but Leon's stubborn logical side stuck to him like glue, making the journey extremely difficult.

"What do you see when you see a flower?" the Bead Maker asked him one day as they sat together in one of the thickets of wildflowers. They were just a short distance away from the fields where Reno helped the farmers cultivate their crops. The redhead was making himself extremely useful by using his Primal form to tug a plow through the dirt instead of letting the people dig it out by hand.

"Color, its different parts, petals and leaves and stuff," Leon answered blandly, reaching forward to feel the petals of red daisy-looking flower in front of him. Its pistils were purple and blue, making him wonder just what kind of flower it was.

"That's it?" the Shumi questioned.

"Is there something more to it than that?"

"Well… when I see a flower, or any plant, I see life and vivaciousness. I see the Lifestream and I can see how delicate it is. Nurturing it and treating it with respect is another way you could probably connect yourself with Eden and maybe, with time, she will come to you as willingly as she does to us."

"So… do you want me to help in the fields?" Leon asked. The Bead Maker shrugged.

"I'm sure the farmers would appreciate that, or you can do something smaller and for yourself."

"Like?"

"Start a little garden."

"What purpose would that serve? I get what you're saying about the connection to Eden and everything but I don't feel very confident that a flower box is going to solve anything."

"Why so cynical?" the Shumi asked with a frown. The Carrier heaved a sigh.

"Because it's pointless for me to try and force something that isn't going to happen. I don't know what the problem is exactly, but it's obviously me. Whether it's because I'm not from here or because I'm not following in a sort of blind faith, I don't know, but I'm going nowhere fast regardless. I've tried, I really have, I'm just so tired of failing and all the negativity I'm surrounded with. I almost need a change in scenery. Like I need to leave. Or at least do something else for a couple days."

"You want to leave?"

"I don't know what I want exactly, but there's just so much… weight on me," the Carrier sighed and ran his fingers through his hair tiredly.

"Too many worries, you mean."

"I suppose."

"Perhaps I can help. If you'll allow me to prepare and get permission, we can travel together to somewhere where you can relax. Perhaps you're right. The redundancy can get to you if you're not used to it."

"You're serious? We can go somewhere?"

"Yes, though I'm afraid it won't be horribly exciting or an enjoyable journey to get there. And it's not very far; we can be back in a day."

"Why do you say it won't be enjoyable?"

"Well outside of the surface dome is nothing but snow."

"Oh," Leon deadpanned. He wasn't one for the cold.

"But like I said, I can prepare, and get permission. I will keep in touch and let you know when we can leave."

"…Alright," the Carrier agreed. He wasn't sure about leaving and having to trudge through the snow, but going somewhere for a change sounded nice. He was curious and wanted to ask _where_ they were going, but he sort of wanted it to be a surprise too. The Bead Maker smiled and patted his shoulder before standing and taking its leave. Leon sat amongst the flowers, thinking.

* * *

The brunette couldn't decide if he liked Samael or not. The circumstances that brought him and Anna together were baffling, but based solely on a personality standpoint, he seemed okay. His house wasn't all that big, nor was it lavish, but it was a far cry from the dumpy shack Anna once had. It was plain, had two bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a wall between the kitchen and the main living space. The carpet was in need of a good vacuuming, but it was there and substantial. The walls were painted and seemed clean. The furnishings were basic and relatively boring, and aside from the obvious young bachelor cleaning habits (that is to say, the lack of them), it was normal and Leon was okay with that. His camera would look a little out of place if he didn't lay low enough though.

Not only was the house better, the area surrounding it was much more civil looking. They had walked and walked and walked, and ended up several miles outside of the ghetto in a neighborhood-like area inhabited mostly by soldiers. Very few women walked the streets there and the ones that did were often escorted by her own personal guard. It all looked somewhat normal, but Leon couldn't help but feel there was more to it than what was on the surface. Anna didn't seem to care one way or another. Her mood hadn't lifted and her expressions were just about as catatonic as they had been for months. She wandered around Samael's house and took note of what was there, but then she sat on the couch and hugged her knees to herself, lost.

"Are you really that upset?" Samael asked as he unbuckled the belt that kept his sword strapped to his side. He shrugged off his lengthy leather coat and dropped it on another chair next to the belt. He scowled and rolled his shoulders, muttering to himself. _That thing is so damn heavy_.

"Why me?" Anna asked, giving him a skeptical look.

"Because you're not ugly and you said you had someone else before. The likelihood that you have a bevy of diseases rolling out of you is lessened if you were exclusively someone else's. Or is that assumption incorrect? Are you ill?"

"Not with anything that I'm aware of," she said. Samael shrugged.

"Well there you go. Works for me. Truth be told I wish I could just stay with one person, but orders are orders."

"You… do? I find that weird."

 _I'm confused again, damn it,_ Leon thought, scowling at his screen.

"I have a lot of friends. _A lot_ of friends. They all seem to think it's the greatest thing in the world to go out and take whatever they want from a hundred girls and… yeah the sex is okay but then I come back here and I'm alone. It sucks," Samael said, shoving his coat aside and sitting in the chair.

"I don't love you," Anna repeated.

"I don't expect you to. But you can hold a conversation, yes?"

"It's hard to believe that's all you want from me."

"The law says I have to have more with you; the government needs soldiers. But as far as my personal standpoint? I'm okay with talking. I volunteered to take you here because I already know what it's like to have a bunch of partners but live alone. Had you gone on the rotation roster, that's exactly what would've happened. Had you not said something about having someone before, I probably wouldn't have said anything."

"Oh…" Anna trailed. She folded her legs under herself and set her book in her lap. She looked around the room and took in everything again. "What else do you want me to do? Or am I on my own?"

"Uh…" Samael grunted as he thought about it. "Whatever you want to? I have no idea. I just wouldn't suggest leaving the house without me. Our superiors check in a lot and make sure we're taking our Mako like we're supposed to and a lot of the guys get wired and go out to… work it off. You'd be painting a target on your back if you left. But you can if you want."

"I see. I hadn't really thought about what I wanted to do just yet," Anna said.

"Well, first we should probably go shopping. Or we can wait until tomorrow. Either way, we need to get you some new clothes and the basic necessities."

"…I don't have any money," she said sheepishly. He shrugged.

"So?"

"Clothes cost money."

"Yes and we would be using mine."

"Oh…"

"Does that not appeal to you? I mean… we _could_ go the free center and get you more of what you already have, but I was under the impression women liked to wear things with color and mild substance."

"I never really had the need for it," she said. Leon had never really paid attention to what the woman wore before, but thinking back, he couldn't remember much outside oversized bland t-shirts and loose fitting pants. He looked at his own pants and rubbed the vibrant silky soft fabric between his fingers, wondering how much they would've cost had they been available in a store.

"If you need more motivation, it would make me feel better if you were somewhat dressed and presentable. I would rather not be laughed at by my friends for having a woman who didn't give a damn about her appearance. At the very least we need to get you something just in case you ever do decide to leave the house."

"…If that's what you want," Anna agreed, keeping her eyes down and staring at the couch cushion. Samael sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"I'm trying to get you to sound less like a battered slave and more like a person."

"I don't understand."

"Are you always this submissive?"

"…Submissive?"

"I mean do you always just give in to what others want? Don't you think for yourself?"

"I know how to think. I just can never think of other things to do outside of what people want me to do. Without…" she trailed, eyes watering a little. "Without Aïr, I haven't had a purpose."

"Aïr was your partner before?" Samael asked. She nodded and wiped her eyes before the tears could escape.

"He was very sick. I took care of him."

"I see."

"…Do you not need me for anything?" she asked. He shrugged.

"My mother would probably hang me for how I keep house, but other than the basic simple things I choose to ignore, I don't need help with anything, no."

"I think that's very strange."

"Why? Should I be handicapped somehow?"

"Well… I never met a man who tried to find out exactly what I wanted and didn't _need_ anything from me. I'm not sure what to think."

"If you want to be treated like a slave, I can do that."

"Not like that, but if you gave me some direction, I'd be okay with that," she said, looking to him timidly. Samael scowled and looked at his watch, taking in the time.

"Well, if we're not going shopping today, I could go for some dinner in a little bit."

"I can start now," she said hurriedly and set her book aside and stood. She made to walk past him and head into the kitchen but he caught her wrist. She froze and the color drained from her face so quickly, Leon though she would faint. She looked down at him with an expression like a beaten kitten waiting for more.

"I would like you to be different than the other girls. You're allowed to have an opinion," he said, voice low.

 _Oh is she? Could've fooled me_ , Leon snorted.

"I…" she hesitated, looking away again. He tugged her arm.

"Sit with me," he said, trying to lead her to himself. She chewed on her lip, leaning towards him, but stopped herself and stood upright again. She pulled her arm out of his hand.

"I… don't want to. That is my opinion," she said shakily. She kept her arm to her chest and her eyes staring ahead of herself. Samael's hand stayed outstretched towards her, frozen in partial shock. It took him a few seconds to put it back in his lap and register what she said.

"Okay," he said. She glanced at him, checking to see if he was serious or if he was getting ready to strike her. "The only thing we don't have an option with is the baby making. My telling my Captain I would take you in is an unwritten agreement that we'd keep the cycle going, you understand."

"Yes. I know," she sighed.

"I'm sorry I'm not Aïr."

"Me too."

"Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"

"…No."

"Did I do the right thing by bringing you here? Do you resent me?" he asked, sitting back in his seat. She wouldn't meet his eyes.

"I haven't decided yet."

"Okay," he agreed. There was a long pause.

"I'll see what I can come up with in the kitchen," she said and hurried off to browse the pantry. Samael sat quietly, his hand curled under his chin, seemingly distracted as he watched the walls. Leon had mixed feelings about the entire situation. He was having a hard time believing Samael's intentions and whether or not his words were genuine. He was happy Anna was in a better housing environment, and if Samael did everything he said he would do, the Carrier could learn to like him fairly quickly. It was a refreshing reprieve from the constant negativity and gave him some hope that not everyone was an uncivilized brainwashed robot that followed the government's orders.

Dinner was quiet. Anna had managed to dredge up enough ingredients to make a semi-substantial meal, but Leon was completely confused as to what it was. Samael seemed to share his sentiments, but ate it without complaint. With promises of going grocery shopping and mild thanks, the man left her and headed upstairs to his bedroom. Leon could hear the shower start but stayed in the kitchen with Anna as she cleaned up. She searched around, opening nearly all of the cupboards before finally retrieving a bottle of dish soap that was mostly empty. As far as the Carrier could tell, there wasn't much else in terms of cleaning supplies around, but he couldn't see Samael holding household cleanliness high on the priority list so he wasn't surprised.

Anna held herself together for a while after dinner. She retreated to her new room without a word to Samael and sat on her bed with her book. As soon as she opened it, though, she started crying. It was a bit startling when it happened because it was instant, as if the tears seeped out of her pores. Leon scooted his camera up the wall to see over her shoulder and immediately understood why. It was a photo album. There weren't many pictures in it, but the few that were in there were of her and Aïr from… however long ago. They didn't look much different, save for Aïr having black hair and brown eyes and a leg that worked. It was then that Leon realized how much the man had wasted away; his previous self was much bulkier, healthier. There were a few photos of him in a military uniform, similar to Samael's but a bit different. Then once those were done, there was a jump to when he must have come back from his tour, as his appearance was pretty much the way Leon had found him. The Carrier wondered how long the man had been back before he started watching.

"Annaicé?" came Samael's muffled voice from behind the door. The woman slammed her book shut and quickly wiped her eyes and forced her sniffles to slow. She answered quickly. Samael's expression fell, but so did Anna's. The soldier was half dressed, which she wasn't expecting. She looked away from him. Leon immediately zeroed in on the man's inner elbows. They were both bruised a deep purple on either arm with darkened tracks traveling up his biceps. Other than that though, he was in _very_ good shape.

"What did you need?" Anna asked timidly.

"I heard you crying, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she lied.

"I don't really believe you. Your eyes are red."

"I'm fine."

Samael sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Then you'd be alright with starting business right away?" he asked. Anna's attention snapped back to him, her eyes wide. He raised a brow at her, face serious.

"Tonight?"

"Yes. Like right now. I need to get to bed. I have to make my rounds in the morning and I'd rather be semi-alert. But I'm willing to stay up with you and help you if you're not okay. That, to me, is at least worth my time. Otherwise, give me a half hour and I'll be out of your way," he said bluntly. Leon scowled, unsure of what to make of him. Samael obviously wasn't enjoying himself very much and seemed to really want to help Anna, but her persistence and refusals were wearing on him. Unless, of course, the man was an amazing actor, which Leon didn't want to assume right away. It was only their first day together and they had already been through so much, so the Carrier could understand his impatience.

"Why tonight? Why not tomorrow? What's the difference?"

 _Seriously_ , Leon thought.

"Because I was raised to be responsible, and I have orders to follow."

"…And if I said I wasn't okay?"

"It'd still happen but not right this second."

 _Gee, how generous_.

"Oh…" Anna trailed.

"The government needs soldiers. This is the only part about living here that is non-negotiable. But I _really_ don't want to rape you. I don't want to feel like I am, but I'm afraid if I humor you and wait, I may lose my bravado and then we'd _both_ be in deep shit."

"I…" she stammered. "I don't want you."

"I know you don't. And if you really don't want to stay, that's fine; I can take you back to your house tomorrow. But I'll have to tell someone to put you on the rotation roster, if for no other reason than to cover my own ass."

 _I say we just kill the Captain and be done with it_. _I'd make an awesome tactician._

Anna stayed quiet, contemplating, for several minutes. Her hesitation was so long that Samael ended up leaving without another word, closing the door behind himself. Leon thought with her while she stood in front of the doorway. Before too long though, Anna opened the door and hurried out of her room. Leon caught up with her just as she opened Samael's door. She immediately squealed and slammed it shut again.

"I'm sorry! Never mind!" she yelped and covered her eyes. There was a brief hesitation before Samael appeared in the hallway with a deep frown.

"I was just changing my pants, calm down," he said.

"I should've knocked…" Anna sighed, face still hidden.

"Yeah, probably. What did you want?"

"I don't want to be put on rotation," she said, taking her hands down and looking at him properly.

"Okay. What would you like me to do?" he asked. Anna's face turned a deep red and she looked down at the carpet.

"…You promise it'll only be a half hour?" she asked. Samael snorted.

"I'll be as quick as I can."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Yes mother, I know," Samael sighed, running his fingers through his hair as a shrill voice echoed through the kitchen telephone. Anna was sitting across from him, watching curiously. The language he was speaking was alien to her, but Leon understood it as the same language he spoke with the Shumi people; that is to say, the language of Balamb. Knowing that little tidbit was a relief to the Carrier. Samael's mother was speaking as he was, so they were obviously from that end of the world.

"—and I don't want you to give into them so easily. You have rights—" the woman continued, her words blurring together into one long run-on sentence.

"Yes mother, I know."

"—they can't force you to be a monster. You have to stand up for yourself and come home to us—"

"Yes mother, I know."

"—everyone misses you. Your father… he's… he's not doing so good, Sammy," the woman slowed. Samael heaved a heavy sigh and closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead.

"I'll try to convince my Captain to let me take a leave. Mom, you have to understand that it's not easy to talk to people who have _complete_ control over everything you do. I want to come home, I don't want to be here, but unless I want to lose my legs or something, I have to cooperate and do things their way. There isn't much else I can do. Please don't make me feel worse than I already do."

"I'm only telling you the truth, baby. You deserve to know. The girls and I have been trying to get the antidote from the post guard but they want _so_ much money."

"How much?"

"Six thousand."

" _Fuck!_ What the hell? They only cost a hundred last year!" Samael sneered into the phone.

"I know. But they won't take our Gil anymore."

"Do they convert the money that I send you into Balamb's or do they keep it in Midgar's?"

"They give us the number of coins it says on the ticket but give it to us in Balamb's. So that two hundred Gil we got from you last week is worthless. Well, no that's not entirely true; we were able to get some bread," the mother said with a tiny sigh. Leon scowled. Midgar apparently had control of whatever city Samael's family was in. It sounded like they had their hands in just about everything and sure, whatever medicine they needed probably cost a hundred Gil, but they would only accept a hundred Gil with Midgar's insignia on it. Any money Samael sent his family was given as the full amount, but in coins with Balamb's insignia, making it amount to a jar of spit. Two hundred Balamb Gil, was not _nearly_ enough for what they needed since apparently a hundred Midgar Gil equated to six thousand Balamb Gil.

"I'm about to break the phone in half," Samael growled into the receiver, his hand tightening on the device so much that his knuckles were a bright white. Anna's expression turned worrisome as she watched him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It isn't your fault."

"I know, but I could've just not said anything and continued on like normal."

"No. I'm glad you told me," Samael said, taking a deep breath to calm himself, though his posture was still tense and the veins still stood out on his forehead.

"Well…" she trailed, thinking. "Anything new on your end?"

"No—yes… well, I found a girl."

"Oh? Should I be happy about this?"

"She's just living with me, but it's nice to have someone to talk to."

"Or you could've just called me more often, but whatever."

"And talk to you about what? I highly doubt you want to hear about the bullshit I have to do every day."

"Stop cussing at me," the woman huffed.

"Sorry," Samael grumbled.

"I suppose that's what you mean, though."

"Yeah, something like that," he agreed. A small dry smile ghosted his lips.

"Anyway, I'm happy you found some reprieve. I'll let you go. I'll give the girls your love."

"Please do. I'll figure out a way to come see you."

"Alright baby. I love you."

"Love you too, mom," Samael sighed and dropped the receiver on its base. He ran his hands over his face tiredly before leaning forward and resting his forehead on the dining room table. Anna fidgeted.

"What did I miss?" she asked, brows knitted together.

"That was my mom. Sorry," he said quickly, sitting up again.

"I didn't understand anything you said to her."

"I don't expect you to."

"You're not from Midgar?" she asked. Samael shook his head.

"I'm from Deling City. Balamb. Technically it was Galbadia before it was Balamb though. Either one, it doesn't matter. It's _technically_ technically part of Midgar now," he said. Anna sat up a bit straighter in her seat, giving him suspicious eyes.

"I didn't know that…" she trailed, her voice cutting low.

"Does it matter?" he asked, raising a brow.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't want to have children with someone from there."

"Am I some sort of alien to you? I wasn't aware we weren't the same species. I don't see why region matters."

"But it's _Balamb_ ," Anna emphasized, like that was all the explanation anyone needed.

"…Yes. It exists. I still don't see why that matters."

"I don't like it," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. He scowled.

"I get that our countries are at war and everything, but you're really going to hold it against me that I was born over there?"

"Yes."

" _Why_?" he persisted, sounding insulted but his expression was that of utter befuddlement.

"It's a disgusting place."

"No it's not. It's not any different than here. The only difference is that we keep our girls and ask people to work for their money instead of just giving people what they need."

"Right, it's run by a bunch of slave drivers."

 _Is she serious?_ Leon asked himself, a deep crease appearing across his forehead with his frown. _She doesn't like Balamb because people have_ _ **jobs**_ _over there?_

"I don't think you understand how it works," Samael said flatly.

"Sure I do. Your government makes you get up at dawn to go to work for them and in return, what do you get? Nothing. You go home again at night but you didn't get anything for all the time you wasted."

"What? How can you say that? People go to work and they get paid for it. Then they use the money for whatever they need to use it for."

"Electricity, food, clothing, water, television; I was under the impression that the government should provide you with all that. Why would I work for all of that?"

"You already do work for it."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do. They take your children and kill the ones they don't want. They force you to keep producing babies for them, when half of them get tossed aside like a piece of garbage. How is that not work? Yeah, you may only have to do it every nine months or so, but I find it hard to believe that you feel no repercussions for it."

"They heal me, and I'm all better. I don't feel anything," she said flatly. Leon ran a hand over his face.

"How can you say that?" Samael asked.

"What am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to be in pain?"

"You mean you tell me that you carry around a child inside you for so many months and you have absolutely _no_ attachment to it once it's born?"

"I did with my first, but I don't anymore," she defended.

"What changed?" Samael pried.

"Nothing. I just got over it."

"So if you had the opportunity tomorrow to keep one of your children, you wouldn't?"

"No. I wouldn't."

"Why?" he asked, a hint of anger seeping into his voice. They glared at one another for several minutes.

"Because," she said after a long pause.

"Why though? There has to be a reason!" he barked, slamming his hands on the table and standing from his chair abruptly. Anna flinched, her hands coming up defensively, though they stopped short in front of her chest. "I have _such_ a hard time serving a country I hate with every fiber of my being. The same bastards that drafted me poisoned my father and raped my mother and sisters! You mean to tell me that the sons those monsters take from you are better off being raised by them than you? That's disgusting! Balamb doesn't do that shit! They value every life that volunteers to help them in this fucking war and they're treated with respect and dignity! They don't fuck over their populace for any reason just so the people can live as peacefully as possible! Here, you may not have to do anything but sit on your worthless ass but you pay for it in humanity and civility!" he bellowed, his face turning a bright right with the effort to keep speaking even as his lungs ran out of air.

 _The military raises the boys?_ Leon thought, a lump forming in his gut.

"So Balamb makes the women fight the war too? They have everyone come out and help? Are they really that depraved? Why would I want that? Why would I think it's better to go out and die in the middle of a dirt field than to sit at home and have a child every once in a while? It's the least I could do to repay my country for giving me the freedoms I have. And why the hell do you care about the children I had?"

"Because it's disturbing for me to think that you'd have the same feelings towards ours! Like hell I would want a woman who doesn't even have the grace to get upset when her child is murdered!"

"Good! I didn't want you in the first place! You practically did what all the other soldiers do anyway! Took me from my home and raped me!" she screamed. Samael's angry expression faltered and he looked away from her. "At the very least I wouldn't have to live with the men that would come to me if I was on the rotation roster! I'd have a child and be done with it! I could go home and escape from them for a while! But no, you had to convince me to stay here just long enough so you could get your jollies too! And you say you hate this country! You're no different than they are! How many women have you had? How many of them cried?"

"Stop it," he said.

"How many children did you father that went the same path as mine did? Do you even know? How many of them are being raised by the men you supposedly hate? You criticize my country for doing what they need to do to keep its people free and to keep Balamb's influence away from us. Protection is something I haven't heard you say your country gives you! I think that's more important than anything! Stop being a hypocrite!"

"You're free to leave anytime you want," Samael said flatly, his tone quiet, guarded.

 _Please don't let her do that_ , Leon begged silently.

"Good. I will," Anna said haughtily and stood from her seat. She headed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Samael sat in his seat again and held his face in his hands. Leon didn't know what to do. It was getting dark outside. The original plan was to go shopping once Samael got home from making his rounds, but his mother called before they could leave. The Carrier had looked forward to some peace and happiness on Anna's end but her attitude just blew all of his optimism out of the water. At the very least, he had found out that Balamb sounded normal, even if Anna disagreed. When she stomped down the stairs again, photo album in hand, the Carrier hurried his camera after her and caught up just when the front door was about to slam shut behind her.

 _Oh god, please don't be stupid,_ Leon begged and she made her way down the sidewalk, heading in the general direction of where they had come from the day before. Though it was dusk, the streetlights were already on. Stray soldiers were wandering the streets, heading home from their rounds. Anna's bravery and hotheadedness lasted for a few blocks, but her pace slowed considerably once she had a second to calm down. Her posture introverted itself and she hunched her shoulders and hugged her book to her chest. Timid eyes scanned the surroundings, taking note on how she was the only female in the immediate radius.

Leon's camera clung to her back pocket as she continued, simply because it was the most stable place on her clothing. The rest of the fabric shook around too much with her walking, he found. As a consequence, he could only see what was behind her. All was quiet for a while, but eventually a trio of boisterous soldiers stumbled out of a house that was a few yards back. They were laughing and carrying on with one another, either heading in for the night shift patrol or out to a bar. Anna's pace picked up once she heard them behind her, but she wasn't running yet. Leon wished she would start, though, because the soldiers' eyes were already glowing.

"Hey!" one of them snapped at her. She hesitated and looked behind herself. "What are you doing out here, woman? All alone?" he asked. She slowed a bit more before her fear got the better of her and she took off running down the street. The soldiers looked at one another briefly before they gave chase.

"We just want to talk!" another one called.

"Where are you going?" the first yelled. Anna ran as fast as she could, her breath squeaking out of her windpipe with every stride. The soldiers were much faster than she was though and caught her quickly, yanking her backwards. Leon's camera couldn't hang on and it dropped to the ground. He skittered away before he could be crushed. Anna let out a cry as she was pulled back into one of the soldiers.

 _Fuck, no nonono!_ Leon thought frantically, his hands fisting his hair, his eyes wide and horrified. He couldn't even register what the men were saying to one another as they shoved the woman around between them, pulling at her clothing. Anna clung to her photo album, eyes squeezed shut and her cheeks wet with frightened tears. One of the soldiers eventually got fed up of her stumbling around and simply kicked her feet out from under her, sending her to the concrete. She dropped the book to catch herself, though she did so sloppily and her arms ended up sprawled out in front of her. Another soldier was quick to drop on her and tug at the tops of her pants.

The biggest problem with free government clothing was that it was loose fitting just about everywhere. She was exposed in seconds and the one doing the pulling easily shifted her back end up for his own convenience. She screamed and clawed at the ground trying to get away from them but the one in front of her stepped on her arms, keeping her pinned. The third soldier dropped to his knees next to her and fiddled with his zipper, getting ready for his turn once his friend was finished. Anna's wails grew in volume as she was penetrated forcibly and pounded into the sidewalk mercilessly. Leon was frozen, eyes fixed on the screen, pale as a ghost. He knew he felt nauseated, but couldn't get himself to react.

There was movement on the side of the screen that caught his attention. There was another soldier running towards them full tilt. The knot in the Carrier's gut twisted around with the consideration of a fourth party joining in, but soon realized who it was. Samael, eyes glowing like blue fire, was missing his lengthy uniform coat, but pulled his sword from its sheath a few seconds before he made it to the group.

"Whoa!" the soldier pinning Anna's arms down barked as he saw the other approaching them. The other two stopped to look, but just as the one inside Anna turned his head, Samael was already there to skewer his blade through his throat. Leon startled; the lack of hesitation wasn't what he was expecting. The soldier choked immediately and blood poured out of the hole as Samael withdrew. He reached forward and grabbed the assailant's hair and pulled him backwards so he wouldn't fall on Anna. The one who was pinning the woman's arms stepped off her while Samael was distracted and pulled his own sword while his friend scrambled to his feet and tucked himself back into his pants. A quick swipe from the offender's sword and Samael's shoulder split open and blood rained down his arm. He yelped and staggered back, turning his attention to the other two.

"The fuck is your problem?" the unarmed soldier sneered, pulling his zipper up. The other stepped around Anna, posture tense and threatening.

"Why are you touching my woman?" Samael spat back. Anna shakily pulled herself away from them, her arms already bruising where the soldier's boots had been.

"Yours? What's she doing out here by herself? She's free game," the unarmed one said.

"You forget to lock her cage?" the threatening one asked. Meanwhile, the soldier with the hole in his neck was bleeding out on the sidewalk like some sort of morbid Halloween decoration. Leon didn't feel bad for him in the least.

"I might have turned my back for a second, she's fast when she wants to be," Samael said with a snide smile. His cheek was twitching as he held back the pain in his arm. Leon doubted anyone else but he was going to notice though.

"Yeah? We caught her pretty easily," the unarmed one said. Anna pulled her pants up again and picked up her book.

"It's hard to watch her when you have to take a shit guys, sorry. It happens," Samael said nonchalantly. The threatening one looked him over suspiciously. He scoffed and sheathed his sword again.

"I see her out here again without you, her ass is mine, got me?" he growled. He turned to his friend. "Come on. Let's go see how many we can get in Lowtown. Winner buys a round."

"What about him?" the unarmed one asked, pointing to the comatose bleeder on the ground. His friend looked at him then shrugged.

"I don't even know who the fuck he is," he said and stepped around Anna and headed down the sidewalk. The unarmed one looked thoughtful for a second before looking to Anna, who was focusing on the ground. He hesitated, looked at Samael, then to Anna again before heading off with his friend. Samael let out a long shaky breath when they were a decent distance away. He sheathed his sword again before stepping to the body and nudging it with his boot. The man gurgled at him and without hesitation, Samael picked up his foot and brought it down on the other's neck. There was a loud sickening _snap_ before the tension in the body left completely. Wisps of the Lifestream poured out of the body's lips shortly thereafter and seeped into the ground through the puddle of blood underneath it.

"Fuck," Samael spat, looking at his shoulder. He sucked in a hissing breath through his teeth and gripped his bicep. Leon, though relieved and extremely thankful for the man's assistance, was still leery. Samael's eyes were glowing just as much as the other three's had been and there was a small trickle of dried blood that had seeped out of the bend of his elbow. Anna pushed herself up quietly and wiped at her eyes, making no difference as her tears kept coming. The man stopped fussing with himself, stepped to her, took her hand, and started leading her back towards his home. Leon skittered after them.

Anna didn't resist being lead back. She clung to her book and followed him as he pulled her in the house. He left her in the entryway and teetered up the stairs. Anna was quiet for several minutes before her ordeal caught up with her again. She sat on the bottom step of the staircase and held her face in her hands, quiet sobs coming forth and shaking her shoulders. She was there for over fifteen minutes before Samael abruptly let out a pained yell that echoed down the hallway. Anna startled and looked up the stairs. He yelled again and she jumped to her feet and scrambled up the stairs and into his bedroom. She set her book on the bed and went to the open bathroom door where Samael was.

The man had pulled out just about every piece of first aid Leon had ever seen and was sitting on the edge of his bathtub with his bleeding arm dangling between his legs, the blood dripping off his fingers and heading for the drain. He was using his free hand to sew himself closed, his teeth grit and a film of sweat on his forehead. He had his eyes squeezed shut and his breathing was irregular as he put forth every ounce of effort he had to keep himself calm. There was a bottle of disinfectant next to him, but other than that and some gauze, he was on his own. Anna went to him and put her hand on his good shoulder. He immediately smacked her hand away.

"Stop. Just go to bed," he said, voice hoarse and tense.

"But what about yo—"

"I'm fine. Just go to bed. I'll take you home tomorrow," Samael repeated. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes so he could focus on what he was doing. He grit his teeth and pushed the needle through his skin again and pulled another piece of the wound closed, his voice getting caught in his throat as he forced the yell to stop. Leon's skin was crawling. Anna hesitated in the doorway for a few minutes before she sat next to him on the edge of the tub. She took the bottle of disinfectant and doused her hands in it before she shoved Samael's hands away from himself. She squeezed the wound together with one hand, making the man yell again and tugged the stitching tighter.

" _What the_ _ **fuck**_ _?_ " Samael wailed as she quickly started sewing him closed. His free hand gripped the edge of the bathtub so tightly, his veins stood out of his arm. Leon raised a brow as the glowing of his eyes flickered for a fraction of a second. The muscles in his arm seemed to ripple under his skin. The movement was brief, but headed down to his fingers. They squeezed the tub harder, so hard that it ended up cracking under the force.

"Almost done, hold still!" Anna squeaked at him and pulled him into place again. She quickly poked him over and over, closing the last inch neatly and tied the thread off. "Stop being a baby," she chastised as Samael groaned and tried to still his breathing.

"The fuck are you talking about? Do you have any idea how painful that was?" he sneered, sending her a nasty glare. Anna, eyes still red and puffy, folded her arms over her chest and gave him a glare right back.

"Childbirth," she said.

 _Nice,_ Leon snorted.

"Alright fine," Samael said and looked away. He was extremely pale, but he didn't seem like he was ready to stop moving. He was jittery and shaking with pent up energy.

 _He probably needs a transfusion_ , Leon thought.

"What kind of thread is this?" Anna asked, holding up the excess string. Samael licked his lips and swallowed thickly before speaking again, his voice cracking.

"Synthetic."

"Okay, so it can get wet," she concluded and stood. She dug around in the cabinet under the sink and brought out a washcloth. She started wetting it in the sink. Samael's eyes were focused on her, transfixed. He didn't blink.

"Annaicé?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"Just go to bed. I'm fine now. Thank you," he said. Leon scowled, watching him closely.

"No, I want to help you," she said, turning to look at him, washrag in hand. He stayed still but shifted his eyes to look up at her.

"Please. I'm having a _really_ hard time stopping myself. Just go," he said. His hand was still gripping the side of the tub, the cracking going further as his fingertips started pressing the surface inward.

 _Listen to him_ , Leon urged quietly. His gaze flicked between Samael's eyes and Anna.

"You don't need my help?" she asked, sounding hurt. Leon ran nervous hands through his hair.

 _She doesn't get it_.

"P…" Samael started. His voice cracked and he cleared his throat before trying again. "Please go."

"You're sure?"

" _Go!_ " he bellowed abruptly. Anna startled and stepped back from him. She set the washcloth aside before hurrying out of the room. She stopped to grab her photo album but left right after. Once his door was closed, Samael let out a choked hoarse breath. Leon was still in the bathroom with him, way too curious for his own good. The man stood and headed out into his bedroom and started pacing. His arm seemed to be a non-issue now as he ran his hands through his hair so many times, the Carrier was waiting for it to fall out.

He stopped abruptly and grabbed the lamp off the table next to his bed and hurled it across the room. It shattered as it met the wall. He gripped his hair and pulled at it, grinding his teeth together and growling through them in a desperate effort to stay in control of himself. When that didn't work, he turned on his furniture, sending his foot through the side of his dresser and twisting around so the limb pulled it away from the wall and sent it sprawling onto the floor. A side table was smashed to pieces, broken apart so he could use the chunks to beat the hell out of the dresser. The bed was flipped, the closet door was ripped from its hinges, and he clawed long tracks down his walls and left dents in the drywall. Once the room was good and thoroughly trashed, the fire in his eyes had died considerably, his arm was bleeding again, and he was having a hard time catching his breath. Leon was scared to think what would've happened had he taken his energy out on Anna.

"Samael?" Anna called from outside the door. Breathing unevenly, the man opened the door and looked at her.

"Why…" he trailed tiredly. "Why aren't you in bed?"

"Well I couldn't exactly sleep with you bashing around in here," she said and looked into the room past him. She gasped. "What did you do?"

"Would you rather I had taken it out on you?" he asked grumpily. She gaped at him, and then looked at his arm.

"You hurt yourself," she said. He glanced at his shoulder. "Why did you come after me?" she asked, pulling him into the room and leading him back into the bathroom.

"Because I felt bad for basically telling you to leave. I should've just left you in the kitchen and gone upstairs until I had the opportunity to take you home tomorrow. I went out to find you, but I didn't know those guys were out there until I heard you, then I came back here and got my stuff before going out again. I'm sorry I took so long," he said flatly. She nudged him to sit on the toilet and went to rewet the washcloth. She started wiping him clean. He leaned against the vanity, his eyes struggling to stay open, seemingly unregistering the pain.

"Are you alright?" she asked, giving him worried eyes.

"I'm really tired," he said. She nodded and hurried her cleaning. They were both quiet for several minutes.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

"Are you okay?" he asked. She nodded.

"Nothing a little time won't fix."

"Okay."

"Do…" she trailed. She went to the sink to rinse her rag and came back to him. "Do you always kill people that easily?"

"Yes. Six months of training while tanked on Mako does that. It was a reflex. It makes me sick. I probably could've stopped myself but I didn't care enough to try."

"Why?"

"Because I blamed myself for what went on and I was more concerned about rectifying it."

"What does 'rectify' mean?" she asked. Leon almost slapped himself in the forehead in disbelief. Samael smiled a tiny smile.

"To make it better."

"Oh. How come you know so much more than I do?" she asked, furrowing her brows together.

"Because I went to school. I was pulled out of it when Midgar came in but I was there for a good seventeen years."

"I never went to school."

"Not a lot of people here do."

"Does everyone in Balamb go?"

"They try to. Education is a big deal over there," he said. Anna patted his arm dry with a nearby hand towel. Afterward, she dug through the first aid supplies strewn about on the countertop for some more gauze and some tape. She wrapped his shoulder so the tiny tears around his stitches would hold together. She sat on the edge of the bathtub across from him once she was finished.

"I'm sorry about all the stuff I said…" she said, looking down at the extra gauze in her hands and rubbing a piece between her fingertips.

"Everything you said about me is true, why should I blame you for it?"

"No…it's not. You didn't rape me. You didn't just up and take me hostage either. You gave me options the entire time and I agreed. That's not rape or kidnapping. I just…" she hesitated. Her eyes started watering and she sniffled. "I thought about what you said about my children. And…"

"Stop. You don't have to exp—"

"No. Listen," she said earnestly. He kept his mouth shut. "Aïr died during my second pregnancy. The first one mattered to me because he was there and he cared _so_ much about her, it broke my heart. He wasn't there to care the second time around. So no, I didn't care about what happened. And I still don't. And… I sort of convinced myself that I was going to stay here with him and have my child and deal with it however the government said I needed to deal with it. He wanted to leave. He wanted to keep her. He wanted to run to Balamb and try to have a family with me and… I stopped him. Stopped us. I regret it," she said, tears flowing freely even though her voice was relatively even toned and calm.

"Why did you stop him?"

"Because I was scared. I was born and raised here. I hear so much about Balamb and how terrible it is; it scares me to death to think about going there."

"I wish I could go back," Samael said flatly. Anna looked off to the side, wiping her face.

"I still don't understand why."

"I don't expect you to. But like you don't want to leave your home, I never wanted to leave mine. I have six sisters, my parents, and a bunch of cousins and extended family. I like being around them, and I wanted to have my own family at some point. But instead I'm here. And I'll probably die here. My father is probably going to die before I can see him again, and if my mother manages to hold it together afterward, I'd be really surprised. Even if I get to go home in a year, it'll never be the same because there will always be a chunk that I missed because I was off fighting against my own country. Even if by some miracle my family lives and I go home, it still won't be the same. I still killed a bunch of my own kin and as far as I'm concerned, I'm a traitor."

 _I feel like crying_ , Leon sighed.

"Why don't you just… stop?"

"For what purpose? They'll just kill me. At the very least, if I have to be here, I'll send as much of the money they give me to my family as I can, even if its worth is only enough for them to blow their noses in. I'd just be giving in and letting them win. Because that's all they care about anyway; just mowing down all of my people and taking over completely. Why lie down and let them take me?"

"I don't… I don't know what to say," she said.

"Don't worry about it. I need to lie down before I fall asleep here," he said and sluggishly used the vanity to pull himself up. He looked out into his destroyed bedroom and sighed. "I forgot."

"Did you want my bed?" Anna asked. Samael shook his head.

"No, the mattress is in one piece still, I can just toss that somewhere and be done with it," he said and shuffled out into the room. He kicked debris out of a wide square area and shoved his bent bed frame out of the way so he could tug his mattress into the space. The box spring was obliterated in a tangled mass of splinters and wire, so any hope for appropriate support was lost, but Samael didn't care. He just dropped the mattress on the floor, didn't bother with a blanket or his clothing, and flopped onto it tiredly.

"Goodnight Samael," Anna said quietly. She gingerly stepped between the chunks of furniture towards the door.

"Annaicé?" he piped, voice muffled by the mattress.

"Yes?"

"Did you still want me to take you home in the morning?" he asked, turning his face so he could speak to her properly. She stopped at the door and looked at him. She contemplated for a moment.

"…I haven't decided."

"Let me know when you do," he said and rolled onto his side.

"I will. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Annaicé."

"Samael?"

"Yeah?"

"Call me Anna," she said. He looked at her with a raised brow.

"Can I?" he asked. She nodded.

"I prefer it. Besides, you don't even pronounce my full name correctly."

"…Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't want to be rude."

"Well now I just feel stupid."

"It happens. It's okay though. You're foreign," she said with a smirk.

"That's hardly an excuse," he sighed and rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you can call me Sam."

"Okay. Goodnight Sam."

"Goodnight Anna."

* * *

"What's up?" Reno asked the next day, peeking over Leon's shoulder. The brunette had taken over the sofa in their living space and was sprawled out on his back with his computer resting on his chest. He hadn't looked at Cloud's profile since leaving his home plane and was carefully inspecting his picture and comparing it to Samael and Anna.

"Just investigating," he said dully. The redhead crouched down behind him so he could see the screen properly. He burst into laughter.

"What the fuck is with the unicorn hair?" he barked.

"Ignore that part," Leon muttered. Samael was just as blonde as Cloud was, and though his hair was much shorter than the prospective Charge's, it stuck up in just about as many directions. Samael had a perpetual case of bed head that was almost as entertaining as Cloud's cranial disaster. Reno sat behind him and giggled for a few more minutes before he skittered away into his bedroom and came back with his own computer. He sat on their coffee table and poked at the machine until it brought up Rude's profile and he turned it so Leon could see.

"I'm going to turn into such a woman when we're walking around together. I'm going to shine that bald head of his and use it as my own personal compact mirror and primp as much as I want to," he said.

"That's a really disturbing thought," the brunette said and shook his head a bit.

"Well at least my Charge won't skewer small children every time he bends over to pick something up."

"Yes but the light reflecting off yours' head might blind someone. The resulting lawsuit could be disastrous."

"Touché," Reno laughed. Leon smiled.

"I may just hold Cloud down and shave him anyway, I really shouldn't tease."

"I would. Or just get him a different haircut."

"Possibly. I don't actually see a solution in that though. It's still going to be all over the place."

"Yeah but at least you won't lose an eye if he walks too close."

"Very true," Leon agreed. "I didn't realize Rude was so dark."

"Dark?" Reno questioned, turning his computer around to look at his Charge's picture.

"His skin."

"Oh. Yeah that happens. Is it a problem?"

"No, but it surprised me. When I think about it, I have yet to see anyone with a different color. Not even because I was avoiding it, either. It just happened that way."

"Xemnas is kind of tan."

"Yeah but he isn't as dark as Rude. It just looks like he got too much sun. Like if he didn't go outside for a few weeks it'd fade and he'd be just as pale as my ass."

"I wish I could tan," Reno huffed. Leon shrugged.

"You could if you wanted to."

"Yeah but I want to go out and actually be able to tan, you know? I don't want my color to come from a computer."

"It doesn't bother me."

"I bet you don't see the appeal in going to lay out in a Speedo on the grass, either."

"You would be correct," Leon said with a scowl. Reno laughed again.

"You're so old."

"No I'm not…"

"You act like you're a billion years old. Old and stuffy," the redhead said with a grin. He stood and patted the top of Leon's head before heading back to his bedroom, computer in hand. The brunette watched him leave before turning back to his own screen with a frown.

"I'm not old," he huffed grumpily.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

The Bead Maker came to Leon a little over a week after their talk in the thicket of wildflowers. It wouldn't say where they were going but provided the Carrier with a heavy bundle of insulated clothing. Thick heavy boots, socks, a scarf, gloves, a puffy leather jacket, thick pants and a fur trimmed hood made walking around a venture in of itself. The Carrier wasn't used to such cumbersome clothing and had to really concentrate on how he walked to avoid looking like a penguin. The Bead Maker was dressed relatively the same, though its jacket was essentially a really fat version of its normal robes with the addition of a hood. It had a backpack strapped to its back, the contents of which were a secret, and requested Leon follow it all the way to the enormous elevator that took them to the surface.

By the time they got to the top, the brunette was sweating. But as soon as he was reminded of the blinding white outside the dome overhead, he was shivering. He followed the Bead Maker out through the front doors, a blast of icy wind meeting him when he stepped outside. He immediately hugged himself and pulled his scarf up his face and his hood low. The Shumi didn't waste any time dilly dallying by the doorway and stepped out into the snow like it was commonplace and wandered away. Leon had to jog to catch up to it, the snow biting what little skin on his face was exposed. He had to close his eyes every now and again to deter the freezing winds but was afraid to do it too often, lest he lose sight of the Bead Maker.

Trudging through the snow at negative a snail's pace was one of the worst experiences Leon could come up with. In reality, they were only walking for a little over forty-five minutes though it felt like an eternity. The place they were headed to was directly behind the Shumi's surface dome in the wide expanse of tall mountains that split the sky in two. The wind dwindled as they grew closer to the rock wall and after a while, Leon was able to actually see where he was going. He was presented with a hole in the cliff side, a cave, that was maybe a few inches taller than he was. The Bead Maker ducked inside quickly and Leon followed after it, happy to be out of the cold.

"That was awful," he grumbled once they were inside, pulling at his scarf.

"I didn't think it was that bad," the Bead Maker said.

"You're insane, my eyebrows are frozen," the Carrier said and rubbed the snow and frost from the tiny hairs. Even though they were only a few feet into the mouth of the cave, it was substantially warmer than the outside. Leon unbuttoned his jacket and pulled his hood down so he could get a bit more comfortable. Once he wasn't distracted with his clothing, he noticed the cave was extremely bright for what it was. He followed the Bead Maker further in, and though it wasn't like being under a series of ceiling lights, there was enough luminescence to see where they were going without assistance. Or maybe the Carrier's eyes were just that adept to see in the dark; he couldn't decide.

The Bead Maker was able to stand at full height after walking for several yards. The atmosphere gradually got brighter around them the farther in they went, which Leon found strange. The semi-corridor they were in abruptly dumped out into a large open area with a wide expanse of water spread out in front of them. The ceiling of the cave was similar to that in the Shumi Village where large crystalline shards punctured the rock and the light shone through them from above, like natural skylights. Everything was sparkling. The floor, the walls, the water, all of it had a deep blue-green tint to it and the different variations of rock types reflected the light like millions of pieces of glass. Leon couldn't see the back shore of the pond. The water had eroded away the wall and created a pathway for itself, disappearing under a ceiling of rock. From underneath though, there was light and the Carrier could see all the way to the bottom. The stone under the water was white.

"Do you like it?" the Bead Maker asked, shrugging off the backpack and setting it on the floor.

"Real pretty," Leon said dumbly as he looked around. There were too many shiny things to see. Shiny was good.

"I'm glad you think so, but that's only part of it," the Shumi said. The Carrier looked to it confusedly. It dug around inside the backpack and pulled out two long heavy towels and held one out to him. Leon scowled but took it, immediately suspicious.

"We're not going swimming, are we?" he asked.

"Not swimming, no. I do suggest you get in the water with me though."

"Are you kidding me? We just came out from freezing our asses off and you want me to just leap into a puddle of cave water? No thanks. I like my testicles on the outside of my body," Leon said. The Bead Maker laughed.

"I suppose that would be true. I don't have that problem though. I encourage you to try it out. I think you'll like it," it said, opening its heavy robe and taking it off. It folded the fabric and set it aside neatly.

"You know something I don't, don't you?"

"Of course."

"Mind cluing me in?"

"No, I think you need to just have some faith."

"…Right," Leon said hesitantly. The Shumi busied itself with shuffling out of its remaining robes and kicking off its shoes. The Carrier immediately turned away once he realized what was happening, almost scared to see one of the strange buttery people nude. The Shumi were aliens to him, and though he was used to their faces, he really didn't feel the need to see the rest of them; though that nagging question concerning genders had never been answered, and the opportunity to find out was intriguing.

"Oh come now," the Bead Maker chastised. "You're an adult aren't you? Besides, I'm covered. You're safe."

 _I could argue that I'm only seven…_ Leon thought. He sighed and peeked over his shoulder. The Shumi was giving him a tiny glare, arms crossed over its flat chest. The towel was firmly secured in place around its waist and though its feet were enormous, it looked just like he did shape-wise. The Carrier was a little surprised it was willing to expose so much of itself to him. It left him standing there and hurried over to the edge of the water and stuck a foot in. Leon hesitated before he let out a breath and pushed his apprehension aside. He shrugged off his jacket and pulled off his boots. The towel was _way_ too big for him and hung past his knees but at least he knew he would be covered. He shuffled to the edge of the water once undressed, keeping a good distance between himself and the Bead Maker and stuck a foot in and immediately pulled it out again.

"Gah!" he yelped, looking down at his toes. His skin had turned a bright pink with the practically scalding temperature. The last thing he had expected was a hot spring.

"Surprised?" the Shumi asked, gently stepping into the water and easing down onto a ledge it could use as a seat.

"Could've warned me," Leon muttered. He tested the water again, deemed it uncomfortably hot, but did as he was expected and slowly inched in and sat where he could. He huffed and puffed as he tried to get situated, as if breathing like he was in labor was going to help anything.

"Are you going to boil?" the Bead Maker asked, giving him a curious look.

"I might," he squeaked.

"It is a bit warm, isn't it?" the Shumi asked curiously, looking contemplative. The Carrier rolled his eyes, fed up with the teasing already. "I'll fix it," the Bead maker continued and closed its eyes. Leon couldn't see it very well in the water, but a green ring swirled round the base of the seat the Shumi was sitting on. The blue and violet orbs floated up out of the water shortly thereafter. The Bead Maker brought its hands up out of the water, palms toward the ceiling. Several feet in front of them, in the air above water, wisps of the Lifestream were being pulled from the ceiling and walls of the cave and gathered together. When there was enough, they started to take shape and solidify, forming glittering facets that interlocked one on top of another. In a matter of seconds a large boulder of ice had formed and it dropped into the water, sending a huge splash into the air that soaked everything in the immediate vicinity.

"What the _fuck_ was _that_?" Leon barked, coughing up stray piddles of water. His nose was on fire as the water had surged up his nostrils.

"Ice," the Bead Maker said simply, a smile on its lips. The Carrier looked to the glacier that was floating peacefully several feet away from him. Curious, he paddled over to it and stuck a hand on its glassy surface. It was indeed a chunk of ice, but he didn't want to believe it had just come from nowhere. He couldn't deny that the water temperature was considerably more comfortable though. He sighed and swam back to his seat.

"I'm still not convinced I can even do that stuff," he said blandly, glaring at the boulder as it melted.

"I brought you here to relax, not to pressure you into trying to do anything. If it happens, it happens. I never wanted to give you an excuse to demean yourself. Not everyone has the ability to do these things. No one ever said you had to."

"I'd like to."

"A lot of people do," the Shumi said. Leon sighed again and slouched in his seat so his chin touched the water. The Bead Maker relaxed back in its own place as well and closed its eyes. The warmth and the quiet were soothing. The Carrier couldn't remember a time when he just sat and didn't think about anything. The heat was making him drowsy and his muddled brain was having a hard time focusing, so he didn't bother. Twenty minutes of nothingness passed before he forced himself to sit up again. He was afraid of falling asleep and drowning. He looked to the Bead Maker and found the Shumi snoozing, completely disregarding the danger.

 _Guess I'm by myself_ , he concluded, turning in his place onto his stomach. He folded his arms on the edge of the pool and rested his face on his forearms. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts drift into whatever territory they wanted to. His fascination with the Bead Maker's abilities was there to greet him. He really couldn't describe the acts of elemental manipulation very well with one word and the Shumi people's name of 'the craft' was extremely vague. There were a lot of crafts in the village to get it confused with but the physics bending and reality manipulation felt like it needed something else. 'Magic' was about the best thing he could come up with. 'Miracles' was a little too out there for his tastes and when he really thought about it, the acts were magical, but according to the Shumi, not inexplicable, so it wouldn't fit.

 _Magic. It sounds so stupid_ , he thought. Pushing the nonsense aside, the only other thing he could think about was Cloud's parents. Or more specifically, the few days he had spent following Sam around. After watching Anna sit around at home all day and deciding it was just about the most boring thing he could think of, the other half of the couple had much more appeal. Sam was always up before Anna and went to bed after her, but all that time in between was still a mystery.

The day started like any other, where Sam got up with his alarm and wandered downstairs to fix some coffee. The only difference on that particular day was the speed at which he was moving; that is to say, very slow. His shoulder was obviously very painful for him to move and he kept his arm as still as possible. Dressing was difficult, bathing was difficult, and any sort of jostle or jolt made him wince. At the very least, he was meticulous about keeping it clean. He would change the dressings as well as he could and trudge on out the door before Anna was even awake.

Needless to say, Sam did not like his 'work.' Leon had no idea what he did all day on his patrol, but apparently the man was part of the very same rotation roster he prevented Anna from being a part of. He would walk to a check-in post that was stationed just outside his little neighborhood and receive a list with a Mako injection. The list was a series of addresses he needed to visit during his patrol; residences of single women who were of age to produce children. Every so often he would need to accompany one of the scientist-looking men to a home to check in on the pregnancy status of various females but those instances were few and far between.

Serving as a pseudo police force for a country one hates was a lot easier to do than it was to conform to the government's civil-rights-crushing standards. People were people, regardless of region, and protecting them was fine, but once Sam had to impose himself on a residence, there was a lot of internal strife that played out on his face. Even when he was sauced on Mako he had the willpower to resist enough to hesitate outside the door for a while. But once he was inside, the extra pent up energy was obviously eating at him and it was almost painful to see him force himself to not hurt someone. Some women were more receptive than others. They didn't mind their lifestyles in the least and were very cordial to him. Those were the houses Sam didn't seem to mind so much.

The biggest problems came when the women weren't so forthcoming. He would try so hard to talk to them, to get them to consent before he lost control of himself, but usually, if they were defiant in the beginning then that meant he wouldn't be able to change anything by the time he advanced. There were several occasions where he would force himself on some hapless woman, the cacophony of screams and tears raining out of wherever they happened to be, and afterward, he would stumble outside or into the bathroom and promptly vomit. Twice he was so disgusted with himself he actually sat wherever was most convenient for a good fifteen minutes of tears before he was able to pull himself together again and head off for the next house.

Sam's crying wasn't so much an open sobbing, but a quiet gnashing of his teeth while he used his hand like a visor to cover his eyes. Leon didn't realize he was crying until the tears dripped off his chin, then the Carrier's heart broke into a million pieces. He watched Sam for a full week and every day was pretty much the same. The Mako numbed him to the pain in his arm once he let it take over and there were a few times where he came home with blood dripping off his fingertips. Anna would fuss over him and then he would sit for a couple hours and do _nothing_ until he could bring himself to eat. Then he and Anna would talk for a while until bedtime where things got extremely awkward.

They wouldn't look at each other. Well, mostly it was Anna forcing her eyes away from Sam or forcing herself into a position where she _couldn't_ see him. On a few occasions, Sam tried to get her to look at him, to grab a kiss or something that would tell him that he wasn't raping her. She gave him no headway. So, he would finish and leave. It was almost like he was going to the bank. Get in, make a deposit, and get out. Anna never said she wanted to leave, but she left Sam's offer to take her home open to change. Leon got the impression she hated being there. After Sam would finish, he would practically jump off her like she was made of lava and start dressing again. Anna would curl up in a ball with her back to him and start crying; not open sobs, but just a quiet sniffling.

"It just feels so _wrong_ ," she would tell Sam when he asked what he had done to make cry, afraid he had hurt her.

"I'm sorry," he would say back to her. He said it to her so often the words were starting to lose their meaning. No matter how much he apologized, the result was the same. Anna wasn't happy with him, and so long as she stayed that way, his hope for companionship was smashed. Before sleeping, Sam would wear the same tortured expressions he wore when he left the houses he had to visit during his patrol. If the whole day was bad and the evening was topped off with Anna's tears, sometimes Sam would break down too once he was alone. Leon sympathized. He didn't have any companions either. Granted, the Carrier didn't have the experience of having a family and then losing it to torture him, but he wondered if his sleep would be a little sounder if he had someone to share his space with. His bed was cold sometimes.

He wondered how often he was allowed to come back to the hot spring. Even if his thoughts were muddled, confusing, and a bit depressing, he couldn't deny his body felt relaxed. It was comforting. He turned over to sit on his seat and slouched back into the water again and let his limbs drift however they cared to. Then it occurred to him that he hadn't been fully submerged in water since he was matured and wondered if a bathtub would feel just as nice. Then he remembered he didn't have a tub at the inn or back on his own plane so it was a moot point. He pushed the curious thoughts aside.

There was a soft shuffling sound that echoed into the cavern. It was so abrupt that it startled him and he sat straighter immediately, looking towards the mouth of the corridor he and the Bead Maker had come through. There was more shuffling and he furrowed his brows. It sounded sort of like something was dragging itself across the ground but it didn't sound like it was getting any closer. He waded over to the Bead Maker and tapped its shoulder. When it didn't stir he shook it gently. It let out a soft snort and looked to him.

"What is it?" it asked sleepily.

"I'm not sure, it sounds like something's in the cave. Nearby," he said. The Bead Maker scrunched its brows together and listened. The shuffling was still there, quiet. Then there was a sudden snort and a long inhale.

"Stay in the water," the Bead Maker said and turned in its seat and pulled itself out of the pool and onto solid ground. The splash from the enormous ice boulder had soaked all of their clothing and the Shumi grumbled it itself as it wrung the water from its robe. It was better than nothing though, and it redressed and abandoned its towel. Leon did as he was told and sunk into the water so only the top of his head and his eyes could be seen over the edge. The Shumi hurried down the corridor towards the noise.

Leon nearly jumped out of his skin when a sudden growling snarl thundered into the space. The Bead Maker shouted something he couldn't hear, and a split second later the corridor lit up a bright orange that faded quickly. It almost looked like the glow of a campfire, but much more sudden, and much brighter. The snarl turned into an angry roar afterward. Things quieted just long enough for two other voices to join the Bead Maker's before another fiery light lit up the space. Leon, being way too curious for his own good, pulled himself from the water and went to pull on his sopping pants. One of the voices was another Shumi, and one was Reno's. He really wanted to know what was happening and why they were there. The shouting reverberated off the walls and muddled the words together so the brunette couldn't understand what was said. There was another roar that shook him to the core and made him flinch.

Then he heard the Bead Maker scream.

He had never heard any of the Shumi raise their voice above normal speaking level before, but the scream itself wasn't that of a voice like he would've expected. It was a high pitched wailing squeal that sounded like a rabbit caught in the jaws of a predator. The only reason he knew it was the Bead Maker was because the other two voices picked up afterward and covered everything else. The shuffling that Leon had heard in the beginning picked up the pace and was getting closer. The Carrier really had no idea what was going on and milled around near the waters' edge, watching the mouth of the corridor carefully.

Then he saw what the problem was.

He had seen a picture of the creature in front of him in one of his textbooks and he had to take a half second to process it. It was a sort of a surreal moment as the hulking beast noticed him and snarled at him. It was huge, just a bit taller than he was, but four times as wide. Its jaws were lined with protruding razor sharp teeth that were so big it couldn't even close its jaws properly. It was blue, furry, and had feet like boat oars with enormous gnarly claws. It didn't have any back legs, which was what the shuffling was, it pulled itself along the ground like a walrus, its tail fashioned like its feet with a wide flat beaver-esque end. It had huge crystalline blue tusks hanging from either side of its top jaw that curled towards its face with the same structures lining its back in a series of spikes. Leon stared at it, and it stared back at him for barely a second before he could remember its name.

 _Snow Lion_.

Before he could even move to do anything, the beast reared back and took a deep inhale. Wisps of the Lifestream streamed out of the ground below it like a siphon and gathered in front of its mouth. Leon had a startling realization of what it was attempting to do just a hair too late as the beast roared again, breathing out through the energy in front of it. The air sifted through the wisps and came out as needle sharp pieces of ice that billowed out like a cloud towards him. He covered his face, as it was the only thing he could do, before it hit him, knocking him to the side and causing the needles to slice the front of his torso like tiny razors. He was blown off his feet and landed on his back with a harsh _thud_.

The world was swimming, but he was conscious, which surprised him. The voices got closer, which distracted the beast from finishing him, and he was able to push himself up just enough to assess the damage. His front was a sea of red as his skin had been split apart in a series of gashes heading every which way. His legs, for the most part, were fine but his pants were cut apart beyond repair. His vision blurred again in vague comprehension. He didn't feel the pain yet. His attention (what little there was) was pulled away as a literal pillar of fire spun down from the ceiling of the cave, engulfing the Snow Lion and cooking the beast right where it stood. Its wailing howls were ear splitting, but Leon didn't notice as his consciousness slipped away and he felt himself lay back down.

Then everything went black.

* * *

The next thing Leon would be able to remember is searing pain in just about every place he could imagine. It was there, jabbing him in the brain like a parasite and egging him on, teasing him as he lie where he was, helpless. He was extremely cold and could feel himself being moved. He wasn't on the cave floor anymore. He was on something else and being dragged through the snow, presumably back to the village, but he couldn't think that far. He was so tired. He let the pain do whatever it wanted to do but ignored it in favor of slipping away again.

After that, he could register the pain still, but he was stationary. He wasn't as cold, but he was far from comfortable. There were voices, a lot of them. He could hear Reno jabbering on with several Shumi in relatively close proximity. He drifted in and out for a while until the voices faded and only Reno was there. He could feel the other Carrier walking around for a bit before he took a seat at his side and stayed quiet. Leon tried to force himself to wake up properly but he only managed to hurt more and his throat let out a gravely grumble that he couldn't recognize as completely human.

"Leon?" Reno asked timidly. The brunette took a few more minutes to wake up before he tried opening his eyes again. It worked, but just slightly. He could hardly see past his eyelashes and his vision was blurry, but it was enough for the other Carrier to know he was there and listening.

"Nng," he grunted. The redhead let out a long breath and a nervous laugh.

"Oh my god," he sighed and flopped to the floor next to the brunette and grabbed his hand. He mashed the backs of Leon's fingers into his eyes and practically molested the rest of his hand using the rest of his face.

 _The fuck are you doing?_ He thought. His skin was wetted with Reno's tears and the redhead sniffled loudly.

"I was so fucking scared, dude, you don't even know. Augh! I'm such a baby. Fuck," Reno blabbed and set Leon's hand down in order to wipe his face dry. The brunette's vision cleared just enough to where he could recognize that was lying on the floor… somewhere. On a cushion, but on the floor. There was a light coming from his side but the rest of the area was dimmed. He flexed his jaw, trying to get it to work, and that's when he realized there was something in his mouth. It was thin, and stuck to his tooth. It was a cord connected to his Link. Taking a few seconds to process the new information, he concluded that he was in the surface dome, hooked up to the Catalogue terminal that was next to the crystal portal.

"Ho…hhnng," he grumbled tiredly. He swallowed a few times and licked his lips. Reno shushed him and scooted up to his face. The redhead pet Leon's hair, which the brunette severely disapproved of, and sniffled again.

"Don't try to talk. I already know what you're going to ask, anyway. I didn't know where you had gone, so I asked around and one of the farmers told me. Then I…" he laughed dryly. "I got a little jealous that you got to go to the spa for a day and whined a bit and the farmer agreed to find someone who could take me to the spring. So I got an escort and permission from the Elder and off we went. It's… sort of a morbid thought to think that if I hadn't said anything, you'd probably be dead. That scares me. Don't leave the village anymore."

"'Kay, mom," Leon mumbled. Reno laughed, but it was short lived. He went quiet for a minute.

"The Bead Maker died."

 _Fuck_ , the brunette mentally sighed. The Bead Maker was one of the only people he felt comfortable talking to, and considered a friend, sort of. It sent a pang through his chest to think it wouldn't be there anymore to try and guide him.

"The Snow Lion is dead too. We actually dragged it back to the village with you two so everyone could see what happened. Then they all decided to use its pieces to make shit and… I don't know. They hauled it away. Probably put its head on a post, or at least I hope so. I…" he hesitated. "I've never seen someone die before, or so much blood before, or thought _I_ was going to die before, or… any of that. Yeah, we can talk about how dangerous this place is but it doesn't really hit home until you see something that you've never seen before. I sort of get why you always look so… down all the time. Watching Anna and the shit that happens around her was new and… it sticks with you." Reno sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Sorry."

"S'okay," Leon slurred tiredly. Reno nodded.

"They uh… they tried to heal you, but they only managed to stop the bleeding. They kept trying afterwards but the… whatever it is, Magic? Shiny bullshit? Whatever it is they do to heal things kept backfiring and the Elder eventually stopped trying because it was giving him a headache. They said it was because Eden was yelling at him and telling him to stop healing alien lives, but I'm pretty sure it's just because our skin is synthetic. It makes more sense anyway. All the shit they do is centered around the organic and the basic elements, and inorganic stuff just doesn't fit in. Veins and muscles are one thing to heal, but the unnatural innards intertwined with it all fucks it up and stops the process. Or so I tried to tell myself. For all I know I could just be blowing smoke out my ass and have no idea what I'm talking about," the redhead surmised and hugged his knees to his chest.

 _Unnatural_ … Leon thought sullenly. It was true. It made a lot of sense. If he considered the facts, and what the Shumi people had taught him, it all pieced together. Going on the assumption that there was a higher being in the core of the Lifestream running the planet, it was reasonable to assume that she didn't approve of the unnatural things of that world. Eden doesn't like Midgar, she doesn't like being abused by their machines and man-made things, and she doesn't like their expansion. So to push away from all things unnatural made sense. Leon couldn't do Magic or talk to Eden like the Shumi could because Eden didn't want anything to do with him. To the Shumi, it was probably a miracle she allowed Carriers to survive there in the first place, which probably adds to the people's high regard for them and why they so readily accept them into their ways. It was logical, albeit a sort of logic he would never use on his home turf, but it was acceptable enough. He was okay with it.

"You'll probably have a lot of scars. I wish there was more I could do… or like… I wish I could take you home and get a skin graft so they won't be as bad, and then come back," Reno sighed. "This place fucking sucks, I don't want to be here anymore. I should just kidnap Rude and go home."

"Stop whining," Leon grumbled, lifting an achy arm up to rub his eyes, waking up some. At least his face wasn't cut up. He was still pretty and could chock that up as a win. Reno gave him a glare.

"I'm having a bit of a crisis here. Now's not the time to be an ass to me."

"Sure it is."

"Fuck off."

"Reno, seriously."

"Leon, seriously."

"Stop it. What happened, happened. It sucks and you can mourn the loss, but the rest of it is forgettable. Be sad about the Bead Maker instead of spitting a sob story about how traumatized you are. If you recall, it wasn't exactly a picnic for me either, and I'm not crying."

"That's because you have-"

"Testicles?"

"No, I was going to say 'no soul' but now I want to check and see if your soul is in your testicles so I can kick it. You're such a dick."

"Tough love. Why would I support you and your misery? I can support you in something else that's relatable, like being upset over losing a friend. You can cry about my boo-boos all you like, but I'm about ready to move on, and I'll leave you behind if that's your choice."

"You weren't there. You didn't see it."

"I know."

"No you _don't_ ," Reno protested and turned to look at the other Carrier properly. "You have no idea what it's like to see someone get… fucking… _skewered_ through the stomach on a giant thing of ice that came out of _nowhere_. Did you know that Shumi's blood is orange? I didn't. It looked like a fucking orange juice plant out there with it all over the place… it… augh!" he squeaked and fisted his hair. Leon scowled. "I feel sick," the redhead said and stood. He held his stomach and teetered in place, trying to decide if he was going to vomit or not. He took a few minutes to regain his composure before sitting again with a huff. "And then I saw you. I automatically thought I had lost the only person on this entire fucking planet that could truly relate to me. I thought I was alone."

"Reno—"

"No! Just shut up for a second! You may not like me all that much and you might think I'm annoying but when you _really_ think about it, it's just you and me, whether you like it or not. You may not value me enough to think that you have someone to lean on but at the very least you know that when your Link fucks up and you lose your hair and eye color, I won't laugh at you because I get it. We're the same. We're here for the same purpose. So yeah, it matters to me that you almost died. You don't have to cry about it, but that just means I'm obligated to because _someone_ needs to. Everyone deserves tears. So fuck off. I'll cry and whine if I want to," the redhead said, eyes watering. He crossed his arms over his chest indignantly and stuck his nose in the air, looking away from the brunette with a loud sniffle.

"I'm sorry," Leon said quietly. Reno's angry rant quickly died and the hot air dissipated from his sails. He hunched his shoulders with a sigh and uncrossed his arms, looking down at his palms and tracing the lines in his skin with a fingertip.

"I don't like being alone," he muttered.

"But you're not."

"I know. And I want it to stay that way. So… don't die, okay?" he asked, looking at the brunette with big watery eyes. "Remember to be real careful when you go out to find Cloud. It's sort of scary to think what medical assistance anyone would be able to give us if they rely on healing like a crutch because… it obviously doesn't work all that well on us," he said with a dry laugh.

"Okay. I'll remember if you remember," Leon said. Reno nodded.

"I don't think I'll be able to forget any time soon," he said. They shared a comfortable silence that lasted several minutes. Leon eventually got fed up with laying there and decided he needed to be rebellious and try to sit up. The searing pain was back again to remind him that he wasn't allowed to be stupid, and that his bandages were _really_ tight. Reno pushed him back down again and fussed over him like a mother hen, chastising him for pushing himself. Leon humored him for another twenty minutes and lay still before his patience ran out.

"When can we go back to the inn?" he asked grumpily, wincing a bit as his bandages pinched him. Reno sighed.

"I'll go get someone to help carry you."


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

A memorial service was held for the Bead Maker the next day. Leon couldn't stay upright long enough to attend and he hated himself for it. Had he just listened to what the Bead Maker said, he might have been able to pay his respects properly. No doubt a hot spring would've kept him safe from a cloud of ice needles, or whatever the Snow Lion had thrown at him. He found it ironic that he was attacked by a Snow _Lion_ ; in a sort of dry morbid way, he could laugh at that. Regardless of what happened to himself, he couldn't find any way to avoid what happened to the Bead Maker outside of not letting it leave the spring in the first place. If it hadn't met up with the beast first, Reno and the other Shumi may have been on the receiving end, and Leon didn't want to make a decision on which was worse, so he just accepted it.

Weeks passed and the gashes healed at a slow but steady pace. Once he was able to get up and move, he tried to go on as he normally did, but he felt even less enthusiastic about things than he normally did. He missed the insightful conversations he and the Bead Maker had shared. In a roundabout sort of way, he credited the Shumi's words to being a big part of helping him discover more about himself. Without the Bead Maker's assistance, he pushed aside the idea that he could do Magic. He just didn't want to anymore. It was a waste of his time, even if he had more than he knew what to do with now that he didn't have something extra to concentrate on. The evening ceremonies turned into a time of meditation versus anything else for him; a time to settle and relax and not think about anything. It helped, but only slightly.

Once he could, he changed to his Primal form and shed away all of the minor cuts and abrasions he had received. A great deal of his skin cleared up, leaving only the major offenders behind. He would have them for the rest of his life, and it didn't really sink in for him until he caught himself in a mirror while he was getting dressed one day. They were all clean cuts, but they were all relatively wide and obvious. It was the first time he genuinely felt self conscious about something. They were ugly and made his skin uneven and discolored. There were a few on his side that were more like puncture wounds than slices and the scar tissue that filled those in was raised and misshapen. He didn't exactly have anyone to impress, but he had never looked at himself and went ' _eugh_ ' before and it kicked his pride into a corner.

On the more positive side of things, Anna was pregnant again. Leon was sort of losing track of time between all the happenings and in his muddled state, couldn't really remember if he should be really excited about this baby or the next baby. Things between her and Sam weren't much better, so the depressing dynamic heavily outweighed the joy of potential children. The Carrier didn't follow Sam around anymore. He stuck with being bored at home with Anna and making sure she took care of herself. She didn't do it very well. She hardly moved out from in front of the television, barely ate, and was losing weight quickly. Leon knew Sam noticed it too because he would watch her closely as her ribcage became more prominent.

"Anna…" Sam trailed one evening, giving the woman worried eyes and a creased brow. She tore her eyes away from the television for the first time in hours and looked at him with a blank expression.

"Hmm?"

"Please eat," he said. She blinked and looked confused.

"I did eat."

"…That was yesterday. "

"No, I ate dinner with you."

"Right. Yesterday."

"No, like just a few minutes ago."

"No Anna, I just got back from my patrol. I'm late today. I picked up something on the way home. We didn't eat dinner together."

"Oh…" she said, thinking carefully. "I guess we didn't, did we?"

"No, we didn't," Sam said. He heaved a heavy sigh. "I can't stay home with you all day to make sure you eat. You're wasting away. I'm worried."

"I just forgot," she said.

"Is that all? I get the impression something's wrong."

"I'm okay," she said flatly. He shook his head.

"No, you're not. What can I do to help you?"

"Nothing."

"Please don't be like this."

"I'm not being like anything. I'm okay."

"You know it's a lie. You started off sort of wishy-washy and down when you first got here but it's only gotten worse. Don't think I didn't notice because I have and that bothers me. If you're unhappy with me, you need to tell me so I can either fix it, or let you go so you can fix it yourself. I didn't bring you here to torture you. I honestly didn't think I was hurting you by doing so but apparently I am. What can I do differently? What can I do to make you happier?" he asked. Anna looked him straight in the eye with an almost resentful expression on her hollow face.

"Can you bring back the dead?" she asked. Sam seemed taken aback and he gaped at her for a few seconds.

"Wh—no. I don't… I don't really expect you to ever truly get over him but… you haven't tried to move past it yet?"

"Why should I? It doesn't change what happened."

"Right, but you'd rather torture yourself?"

"I'm j-just…" Anna stammered. Her eyes started to water and her chin quivered. "I'm just waiting to die. I don't…" she stopped again and wiped at her eyes. "I don't care what happens to me. Nothing is going to get better," she said. Sam was speechless, as was Leon. Anna was quiet for a moment, fidgeting under Sam's disbelieving gaze.

"Why… why don't you even want to try and be happy?" he asked.

"If something comes along that makes me happy, I'm not going to push it away, but I haven't found anything yet."

"…I see. Do you know what that something could be?"

"No. I haven't found it yet, like I said."

"Okay," the man said. They sat together quietly, Anna blankly staring ahead of herself, while Sam looked like he wanted to say so much more. He watched her carefully but her expression didn't change, even as she wiped her eyes again. "What uh…" he trailed. She looked at him. "What did you and Aïr do together?"

"Why do you want to know?" she asked. He shrugged.

"Curiosity?"

"We didn't do much aside from spend time together. I'd make his meals and help him when he needed me to and we'd watch TV together. Sometimes we'd do Mako together and go out and see people, sometimes he did it by himself. He…" she stopped and took a breath, looking unsure. She focused on her lap. "He was a good lover and… knew everything I liked and felt bad when he did stuff I didn't like."

"What don't you like?"

"Well… he would sometimes do a little too much Mako to try and take his pain away and I would do something and he'd get angry. He would hit me if I got too close so I had to be careful," she said. Sam immediately tried to interject and protest but she cut him off, speaking quickly. "But he never did it on purpose. He wasn't himself. He would always apologize to me and make it all better. He would hold me and pet my hair and tell me over and over how sorry he was and that he was back and he'd try real hard to not do it again."

"Did he ever stop?" Sam blurted before she could stop him. She picked at her fingernails.

"Well… no, he didn't have the chance to get better before he died," she said, wiping her tears away. Sam's expression flashed between rage, confusion, and pain in the span of about two seconds. He let out an exasperated grumble and slouched in his seat. Anna looked at him, brows furrowed. "What?"

"What do you mean 'what?' You don't see _any_ problem with what you just told me?" he asked angrily. She thought about it before she shook her head. Sam huffed and rolled his eyes again. "I can't even believe I was comparing myself to a guy like that," he grumbled before muttering to himself in his native tongue. " _This country is so fucking backwards_."

"Why did you compare you two? What purpose does that serve?" she asked.

"Because I wanted to make you happy. I want to try and know a happy Anna. You're not a bad person, even though all the shit you do and say hurts me like you wouldn't believe. You're upset and lost and I get that, I can understand that part. I want to make you happy so we can do what I originally brought you here for. I wanted someone I could spend time with and be normal with," he said, pushing himself up again to sit properly. "I wanted someone who could make me feel less like a monster, and to tell me that I'm still different than all the guys I see out in the city. And like I said, I understand that you're upset. I get it. But what I don't get is why you're still attached to him like he's some sort of god or whatever it is you see in him. I don't want you to forget about him or stop loving him and I really don't _need_ you to like or care about me as much as you did for him, but for Eden's sake Anna… do yourself a favor and _try_ to be happy. I don't like seeing other people hurting."

"Stop it," she said with a whisper. Her posture had sagged and turned fragile, as if whatever Sam would say next would shatter her into a million pieces.

"Stop what?" he asked, his tone completely confused. Anna was crying again, torrents of tears poured out of her eyes and her face twisted into one of pure anguish as she broke down. She held her face in her hands and sobbed loudly, sucking in raspy heaves of air between hysterics. Sam was completely shocked and stared at her for a long ten seconds before he snapped out of it and tripped over his words. He sputtered several lines of random syllables before he could get anything coherent out, and when he did, it was the same thing he had been telling her for weeks. "I'm sorry! What did I do?" he asked.

"Stop!" she cried and sent him an accusatory acidic glare. Sam stared at her like a disoriented two year old that put his hand on a stove he didn't understand could get hot. It was a sort of twisted combination of confusion and impatience that played through his features, and admittedly, Leon couldn't understand what was going on either, so he didn't blame the man. The Carrier wondered if all women started accusing men of doing things when they didn't do anything. He sincerely hoped not.

"Please stop crying. Help me understand," Sam pleaded with her. He put his hand on her forearm and she immediately pulled away.

"You're…" she said and stopped. She held her face in her hands for a brief moment, looked at him, and then away. She wiped her face again and sniffled loudly several times and took a minute to catch her breath before trying again. Sam folded his hands in his lap and waited. She cleared her throat. "You're making it hard for me to keep my promise," she said quietly, voice shaking.

"Promise?"

"Yes."

"Can I know what it was?" he asked. She took her time in having a mental debate with herself.

"I promised him that… I wouldn't love anyone else. That he would be the only one I cared about for as long as I lived," she said flatly. Sam raised a brow and gave her an incredulous look.

"You… love me?" he asked. Her face whipped around to face him so quickly Leon halfway expected her neck to break. She looked terrified.

"No! I don't! But…" she trailed, calming some. "I'm scared. I'm scared because you're from Balamb and I don't care anymore. I'm scared because I don't hate you. I'm scared because you're easy to talk to and nice to me. _Really_ nice to me. I'm scared… because I like spending time with you. All of that is way too close to me breaking my promise and I can't do that. I don't want to. I feel guilty," she said, pulling her knees up towards herself and making herself as small as possible. "I'm scared and guilty. So… I'm okay with the way I am because what I said was true. I'm waiting to die; I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"Th… wh… I…" Sam stammered. He scrunched his brows together and rubbed his forehead. "I don't even know what to say to that."

"You don't have to say anything. Just stop it."

"Stop what? Being myself?"

"…Yes."

"Anna that's stupid," Sam said flatly. She shot him a glare out of the corner of her eye.

"Then I don't know what else to do. Just… take me back to my house tomorrow. I can't stay here."

"Well there's a couple problems with that," Sam said, leaning back in his seat and folding his arms over his chest. "Your house is probably occupied by this point and I would have to take you to a shelter until they can find you a new place to live. _And_ , I refuse."

"Okay, you can refuse, I'll find the shelter myself."

"Okay," Sam said nonchalantly. She looked at him, surprised. He motioned towards the front door and raised his eyebrows high on his forehead. "Bye."

"You're okay with that?" she asked, suspicious.

"Yep. If what is torturing you is me being _nice_ , well, you can just go fuck yourself because I'm not changing. I didn't change for this shithole city and I'm not going to change just for you. I do what I'm told because I have no choice. But other than that, I do everything else wrong according to you, and if that's a problem, then I don't need you in my house. Fuck your sense of security and whatever shitty little reasons you have for yourself to not be human. I…" he trailed, forcing himself to stop and regain some composure. "I have _never_ met someone as fucked up as you. As backwards, or as _tortured_ as you. And you know what? If you can get over the stupid little things and just accept whatever it is you feel and can learn to be _civil_ to me, then I don't care if you stay; even after all that you've said and done to me. Are you human enough to do that much? Because I only fuck humans and if you're hiding something I'm not aware of under your vagina then we're going to have some problems."

 _Oh my god, I shouldn't laugh_ , Leon told himself as he covered his mouth, trying to stop his chuckling. Anna sat quietly with a scowl on her face. She couldn't meet Sam's eyes and stared at the floor, thinking. He watched her carefully.

"I…don't know what I should do," she admitted after almost fifteen minutes of sitting.

"Do you really want to die?" Sam asked. She glanced at him before shaking her head. "Do you really want to stay so unhappy?" he asked. Again, she shook her head.

"I'm still… afraid. Guilty."

"It's okay to feel that way, but at some point you need to move past it; for your own sake," he said. He pulled his feet up onto the couch and folded his legs under himself. He turned to her. "Where do you think he went after he died?" he asked. Leon didn't think Anna understood what Sam was getting at. She furrowed her brows and seemed to really think about it. The Carrier understood the vague open-ended question though. Sam was trying to see if Anna believed in an afterlife. She shrugged.

"Some people took him away and didn't tell me where he was going. So I don't know," she said.

"So he's gone."

"…Yes."

"He's not here to make sure you keep your promise, nor is he here to be hurt if you don't, he doesn't have a hold on you anymore. The only thing stopping you is yourself," Sam said. She sighed. "Even if you don't stay here and move on to someone else, your life will be so much easier to bear if you let people help you and allow them to comfort you. Have you even talked to anyone else aside from me about him?"

"Not really," she said.

"It's not good to keep it all inside and to push everyone away."

"Okay…"

"Am I helping at all? Or do you just think I'm full of shit?" he asked. She shrugged. "Do you still want to leave?" he persisted.

"I never really wanted to in the first place. I just feel like I should."

"Because of the guilt."

"Yeah."

"Guilt is normal, I think. Moving on and to (hopefully) a better place feels sort of like betrayal. Like you're forgetting about him and making him seem less significant. But you're never going to forget, I can promise you that. He'll never be any less important to you, and just because he's not here, that doesn't mean that your time together was meaningless or a waste. You told me before that he wanted to leave the city with you, to have a family and to be happy together. I have a hard time believing that his desire to see you happy magically changed ten seconds before he died. If he was still here, he would still want it. So what's the difference if you're happy now? It's not like it's suddenly illegal for you to be."

"I don't… know… I'm just…" she trailed, her expression turning more distressed and confused the more she was allowed to think about it.

"Afraid?"

"Yeah but… I don't even know what I want. I'm lost…"

"What makes you happy?"

"I don't know."

"Will it make you feel better if you yell and scream and cry at me about all the stuff you feel?"

"Maybe later."

"Okay. Did you want me to make you something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry."

"Let me rephrase. Anna, I'm going to make you something to eat. What would you like?"

"…A hug," she said. Sam blinked a few times, blindsided.

"Uh, okay. I can give you that, but you can't eat hugs, so I'm still waiting for that answer," he said, unfolding his legs and opening a space for her. She scooted across the sofa and practically threw herself into his chest, clinging to his shirt tightly. She kept her face buried against his sternum, refusing to look anywhere else. He let out a sigh and hugged her tightly, resting his cheek against the top of her head. The look of absolute _relief_ on his face tugged at Leon's heartstrings. The Carrier then wondered when he had gotten so mushy.

* * *

Things between Sam and Anna stagnated after their pseudo-heart-to-heart. The house descended into a sort of tense normalcy once Anna started eating regularly again and being less depressed. She was far from a hundred percent, but at the very least she seemed to be trying to move on. She was talkative, alert, and spent less time in front of the television. They spent a great deal of time together and were getting increasingly more comfortable with one another. She even insisted Sam go out and buy some cleaning supplies so she could have something to do and scrubbed the ever living hell out of every surface of the house for over a week. Leon only hoped she wasn't hurting herself with the chemical fumes, if there were any.

Around week ten of her pregnancy, she started slowing down. She spent most of the day either on the couch or in the bed quietly whining to herself and holding her stomach. By mid-afternoon she seemed to get better and was up and spending the day doing whatever it is she wanted to do. Leon was concerned but couldn't decide if she was having normal pregnancy upsets or if she was in real physical pain. Anna never told Sam about it though, so the Carrier pushed his worries aside, trusting her judgment. He didn't exactly have any way of helping her, nor did he have the experience of being pregnant personally to make any of her decisions so there really was no point.

In her previous pregnancies, Anna's symptoms usually started after she knew she was with child. She was diligent about testing ever since she was registered and this one was no different. Her symptoms weren't very severe or cumbersome once the morning sickness stopped for the day but they were noticeable. Hovering somewhere around her eleventh week, though, everything faded away. She wasn't griping to herself about how her breasts ached, the swelling went down, and her sickness went away. Leon, going against the _extreme_ desire to not do so, started following her into the bathroom to see if there was anything additional to worry about.

And there was. Leon had never followed her so closely before so he wasn't sure if spotting was normal for her, but the amount of bleeding Anna had was way more than there should have been and his stomach turned to stone. She didn't seem concerned about it. The Carrier couldn't decide if it was because she was just that emotionally separated from her children, or if she really didn't think there was a problem. He wondered how much knowledge was tossed around between the uneducated denizens of the city and if she had ever heard of the various possible complications during pregnancies. At the very least, her body seemed to be taking care of itself. She wasn't getting abnormally sick, she wasn't in a lot of pain, and as far as he knew, the bleeding hadn't started too long before that point.

Sam noticed the problem once Anna got up into her fourth month and she wasn't getting any bigger. He watched her like a hawk for a full week before confronting her. Leon was dreading to think what was going through his head. The Carrier already knew Anna had miscarried by that point though, and was just waiting for the proverbial shit to hit the fan. Anna's bleeding progressed to a discolored discharge after a while but everything stopped weeks ago; he was waiting for her to start menstruating again.

"Anna?" Sam asked. The woman looked to him.

"Hmm?"

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yes, why?"

"You're sure?"

"…Yes. Should I not be?"

"It's not that but… you're sure you're pregnant?" he asked awkwardly. There really wasn't a better way to ask but the question sounded strange regardless.

"I took a test and it said I was, and I felt like I was, but then I got better. Just like last time, and the time before that. So yes, I'm sure. Why?"

"You're not getting any bigger and… I don't know. I'm not so sure you are."

"I can go take another test and show you," she said. Sam ran his fingers through his hair.

 _I can tell you right now if it's positive, it's a false positive,_ Leon thought. Sex between the two stopped when Anna got pregnant. The woman was never that enthusiastic about the whole process in the first place and Sam was okay with coming home and sitting down for the rest of the evening. He wasn't exactly starved for attention, having spent the previous ten hours of his day walking around with the occasional break to have sex with some woman he didn't know the name of. Anna still had her induction scheduled and her pregnancy was confirmed early on by an inspector so all was assumed to be peachy. She left Sam at the table to go upstairs and take another test and when she came back down with the little stick, it was positive, and Sam dropped the subject.

For two months things didn't change. Leon was practically beside himself with the horrid lack of education between the two of them. He thought that in a society that so heavily emphasized birth and reproduction, the government would at least give the public a video to watch just so they would understand when there was a problem. The lack of forethought was astounding. Sam wasn't completely ignorant and stared at Anna a lot when she wasn't looking at him, knowing something was up but not wanting to upset her. The woman was just as oblivious as could be. She didn't get any bigger, she didn't have any symptoms, and even when she started menstruating again, she just didn't get it. Leon was about ready to smash his computer when Sam finally put his foot down.

"You're not pregnant. Maybe you were before, but you're not now," the man blurted one evening at the dinner table.

"I know," Anna said flatly. Both men balked at her.

 _Oh fuck me. Seriously?_ Leon huffed, throwing his hands in the air. He had just spent millions of brain cells mentally yelling at her for six months when he could've just left it all alone. He was sort of thankful she wasn't that stupid though. But he wished she had spared him the trips into the bathroom with her and made it known that she knew. Those were a few experiences he could've lived without.

"Wh—When did you know?" Sam asked, eyes wide and about to roll out of his head.

"I only figured it out after you told me to take the second test. I didn't realize how much time had passed and that I was supposed to be showing by then, so I waited to see if it was true. I started my cycle not too long afterward and that's when I knew."

"If you knew there was a problem, why didn't you say anything?" the man persisted.

"Well…" she trailed nervously. She fidgeted in her seat and looked down at her plate. "I liked spending time together without the sex just… looming in the background and making me nervous," she admitted. Sam's expression sobered considerably and he sat a bit straighter.

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

"No… I can get where you're coming from."

"Does that mean we have to start again?" she asked.

"N—well, maybe. I mean, if it was two or three months ago, probably not, but if we go to the clinic and tell them you had a miscarriage a week ago then they'd probably ask what happened to the… remains. At this point it'd be sort of a problem because it's not like the baby would've been some tiny forgettable blob that we wouldn't be able to show them."

"Oh…"

"But, we can try and hope they don't ask any questions. Because if they think it did happen a week ago, I really doubt you'd be able to get pregnant again so soon afterwards. So we could put it off for a while. I'll have to call someone though to make sure. Tomorrow. Not tonight."

 _I'm about to come over there and force you two to get to it. I'm tired of waiting,_ Leon grumbled. ' _Sam, who's that?' 'I dunno, some random guy in our house. He wants us to have sex like_ _ **right**_ _now. Something about having the_ _ **correct**_ _baby.'_

"Okay. Are you mad at me?" she asked timidly. Sam shook his head.

"I'm a little upset that it happened, but it's not like you did it on purpose, right?"

"You can do it on purpose?" she asked, immediately perplexed. Sam waved a dismissive hand.

"Forget I said anything," he quipped. "I'm not angry. I'm not angry that you just want to just hang out either; I was enjoying the quiet too. I'm happy you like spending time with me," he said and smiled. She gave him a tiny smile in return, the first either man had seen her do in a _long_ while.

They finished dinner and plopped in front of the television together. The peace was nice, but there was an underlying awkwardness still there with the veil of 'we don't need to have sex right now' having been lifted. It was hanging in the air, and both of them were aware of it. For over an hour they sat and only half-watched the television. The other half of the time was spent stealing glances at one another when they thought the other wasn't looking. Sam eventually got fed up with the tension and imposed himself on Anna's personal bubble, stretching himself out on the couch and practically forcing her to lie against his chest. Leon was reminded of the first time they had seen each other; the man making her lean against him in the back of the car. Anna didn't mind this time though and settled against him comfortably.

* * *

Sam called his superiors the next day and told them what happened. They took his word for it, canceled Anna's induction, and gave him the day off. Leon was surprised they were so forgiving, but they left him with a 'we'll send someone out to see you in a few weeks' giving the heavy indication that they needed to get to work. The Carrier was with the government this time around. He had spent time during the previous day calculating when Cloud was supposed to happen, counting back from the time he was allowed to make contact. He didn't have his Charge's birthday to go off of, just an age, which worked well enough for him. He found that Anna's next pregnancy was probably going to be Cloud if she didn't have another miscarriage or something to skew the variables. His timeline wasn't exact, but it was close.

So all he had to do was play the waiting game. Which was torture before, but now that he had a reasonable idea of when it was going to happen, it turned downright murderous.

"You're going to go blind if you sit that close," Reno chastised when he didn't have any room on the couch in their living area. Leon had claimed it for himself and was glued to his computer, only a few inches away from the screen, watching Anna and Sam's every step. When he didn't get a response, Reno rolled his eyes and helped himself to sitting on the brunette's back.

"Get off," Leon growled, glaring over his shoulder.

"But you haven't talked to me in _days_ ," the redhead whined.

"What are you? My wife? Since when is it my responsibility to entertain you?"

"Gee, you're so charming. Do you get all the ladies like that or just the 'special' ones?" Reno asked, adding air quotations for emphasis where applicable.

"Fuck off. I'm busy," Leon huffed and turned back to his computer.

"Ah yes. Watching your in-laws fuck is always a healthy way to spend the day."

"They haven't been; that's why I'm watching. Need to make sure it happens."

"And if it doesn't? What exactly are you going to do about it?"

"Stomp on over there and shove them into each other and hope to god Sam ejaculates somewhere in Anna's vicinity," Leon grumbled, leering at the computer screen. Reno stared at the back of his head for a good three minutes in a stunned silence.

" _Wow_. That wasn't what I was expecting," he laughed.

"Yeah well… I'm impatient."

"Clearly."

"Go away. You already have a Charge to watch."

"Right. But the most interesting thing he's done in the last two hours is shit himself and as freaky as I can get, I'm just not into that."

"I would be worried if you were."

"Me too, honestly. I'd be hopelessly desperate."

"You aren't already?"

"Ouch. My bleeding heart. Your words, they wound me," Reno huffed dramatically, adding a overly fake sniffle at the end.

"Good. Maybe once you die I can dump you in the river so you can't sit on me anymore."

"Alright fine," the redhead grumped and stood again. "Am I ever going to be allowed to sit on the couch?"

"Nope. It's mine."

"How do you figure?"

"I've laid claim to it. I can pee on it if you really need me to get serious about it."

"Ew, okay _no_."

"Seems we're in agreement then," Leon said. Ever defiant, Reno went to retrieve his own computer and came back out to the sofa. He wedged himself between Leon's legs, draping his own limbs over the brunette's thigh and used his butt as an arm rest. "That has to be the most awkward sensation I've felt in a while."

"Glad I could enhance your day, then," Reno said, patting the side of the brunette's cheeks dutifully.

Leon ignored him and started paying attention to his computer again. Anna had spent the length of Sam's phone call on the couch, watching over the back of it like she was waiting for him to attack her. She watched him with wide eyes when he hung up and came towards her. He stopped at the back of the couch and raised a brow at her.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Watching you."

"Okay well… what did you want to do today?"

"You're staying home?"

"Apparently so. I'm okay with it, are you?"

"Yes," she said, turning around to sit properly. He sat with her.

"So… yeah. What did you want to do?" he repeated.

 _Get bored and have sex already,_ Leon grumbled to himself.

"I… don't know," she said.

 _Do it_.

"We could go shopping?"

_No. Upstairs._

"…I don't really need anything."

 _Do it_.

"Neither do I," Sam sighed and slouched in his spot.

 _Do it_.

"We could watch TV," Anna offered.

_Upstairs._

"Sure," the man agreed. Leon immediately planted his face in the couch cushion with an exasperated sigh. Reno patted his butt again reassuringly.

 _I'm going to cry_.

The couple settled in together as they had the evening before. Leon considered a nap for himself as the minutes dragged on and nothing important happened. After a half hour of waiting, Sam had relaxed enough to fall asleep which was the exact opposite of what he needed to be doing. Shortly after he drifted off, Anna noticed and pushed herself up to look at him. She looked unsure of something. She left Sam on the couch and went into the kitchen. Leon was surprised the man didn't wake up. He steered the camera into the kitchen to find the woman digging around in the cupboards for something. The Carrier's heart sunk when she retrieved a small box. It was Sam's and he kept it as far away from himself whenever possible. Inside were several pre-portioned syringes full of Mako. Of the set of five, only one was missing.

"What are you doing?" Sam chimed abruptly, startling Anna and Leon both. She quickly closed the case and shifted her eyes to the floor.

"I was just—"

"Number one, I don't want either of us to use them. Number two, even if I didn't mind, you could've killed yourself had you taken one of those. Those doses are measured to my weight and size, you know. Why do you want to use them?" he asked, the anger only singeing the ends of his words. He stepped to her and took the case from her and set it aside. Her hands came up defensively as she expected him to strike her. He scowled and pulled her to his chest and hugged her instead. "Why?" he repeated.

"It makes me less nervous," she said quietly.

"What's making you nervous?"

"Going back to the way it was…" she trailed.

"Oh," he deadpanned. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm trying to make myself not get upset," she said, pushing away from him enough so she could see his face. "I like you, so I don't have any reason to be so nervous; but I am and I don't know how else to stop myself. I'm just… trying to move forward like you said I should," she said, looking off to the side.

"Well no amount of Mako is going to help you do that, that's for damn sure," Sam snorted. He reached a hand up and gently pulled her face back to look at him. Before she could protest he pressed their lips together firmly. She tensed but he pulled back quickly. "I can help you," he said. Her cheeks turned bright pink. He kissed her briefly and pulled back again, she was a little more receptive. "You can tell me what you like, and what you don't like." Another kiss. "And I will listen to every word." Another kiss. "So you can feel as comfortable as possible." Another kiss. "The last thing I want is to hurt you," he said, giving her a second to respond. She rested her forehead against his, eyes worried and unsure. She swallowed thickly and nodded some.

"Okay."


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

Leon was completely satisfied with Sam and Anna's goings on. He was happy they were getting so comfortable with one another, and he was happy that Cloud had a semi-stable household to be raised in if that was how things were done. He was happy Sam stopped forcing himself to follow the government's every whim, and he was happy that Anna was happy. But, in the back of his mind, he was sort of sorry he got what he asked for. After the initial upset and weird womanly emotional part of Anna and Sam's first civil romp together, something clicked and suddenly a flash flood of 'sex now as much as possible' descended upon them both and Leon found it increasingly difficult to have the nerve to check in on them. There were days where he ignored his computer entirely just so he could feel less like a lecherous stalker even if the intention behind it all had never changed.

Once a sense of peace and normalcy took over the house, Sam got a little more daring. He would do his patrols like he was supposed to, watching out for any excessive non-sexual violence and thievery, but when he was handed a list of addresses, he ignored it as best he could. If the women he visited were vehemently against sleeping with him, he would leave before he could lose control and do anything to them and move onto the next one. He couldn't avoid the initial jolt of Mako to his system so he really needed _some_ relief but he stuck to his guns and stayed away from the unwilling participants. If the government ever noticed, Leon didn't know about it.

Once he was home though, if Sam didn't jump Anna first, she was in his face practically forcing him to. The staircase, the bathroom (and it's various fixtures), the kitchen, the hallways, the bedrooms, the living room, no horizontal surface was safe anymore and when he _was_ paying attention, Leon had to make sure he was on the ceiling or a wall so his camera wasn't crushed. As the weeks passed, neither of them said they loved one another, but the Carrier liked to think they did. Because when they weren't having sex, they were talking. Sam listened to everything Anna had to say about anything and she was able to use him as a springboard out of her crippling depression. When she was home alone during the day, Leon noticed she had a lot more energy, and when Sam got home, she was eager to go out and do something with him.

It wasn't perfect, but even with the stressors of Sam's 'job' and family problems, it was a far cry from what it once was and Leon was happy they were moving forward together. They started sleeping in the same bed, Anna got a new wardrobe (after christening the dressing room together), she was taking really good care of herself, and all was as peaceful as it could be. It took a while, but after nearly two months of happiness together, Anna _finally_ became pregnant again and Leon just about shot through the roof.

Reno only noticed that the brunette got a little twitchy though. Leon's brand of excitement wasn't hyperactive or as loud as the redhead expected it to be. Rather, it was more of a tense sort of quietness that took over him and made him less able to multitask and he spent most of his time zeroed in on one thing at a time. Mostly his attention was glued to the computer, but just about anything else was treated the same way. He hardly ever stopped moving though. Even if it was just a simple drumming of his fingers on the table or a constant wiggling of his toes, it was enough for Reno to say 'oh, Leon's twitching again; he must be excited about something.'

Once Anna started showing, things between her and Sam calmed. And by 'calmed' it was implied that the rampant intercourse subsided. It didn't stop the rest of whatever they could come up with which was perhaps even _more_ awkward to walk in on than the actual sex. At least when they were on top of one another a certain percentage of the important bits were covered up and it was easily ignorable. But recently, Leon found himself in a new mentality.

' _Oh, I see you two have each other's faces in the others genitals again. That's fine. Just making sure you haven't suffocated one another. I'll be over here making tea. Have fun. Crazy kids.'_ Then he would have the insatiable urge to hide in the corner for an hour.

"You're being dramatic," Reno would tell him.

"I beg to differ," Leon would grumble in return as he closed his computer quickly and set it aside.

"Oh come on. I think it's cute."

"I see enough of them as it is, I really don't need to see _everything_. I'm good."

"Not one for free porn?"

"I don't see the appeal of pornography in general, let alone pornography of my Charge's parents," Leon huffed, sending Reno a sideways glare. "Please don't tell me you masturbate to Rude's parents."

"No. I don't. I jerk off to my own fantasies, thank you. Those ones mostly involve Rude by himself though."

"Infant or adult Rude?"

"Adult! Augh! Seriously? You really think I'm that gross?" Reno whined.

"I don't know what to think about you half the time, honestly," Leon said nonchalantly.

"Okay, asshole, what do _you_ masturbate to then?" the redhead asked, leaning over and getting uncomfortably close to the brunette's face. Leon scowled and thought about it.

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah. Since you're so high and mighty."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Really really?"

"Yes!"

"I don't remember the last time I masturbated," Leon said flatly.

"That's a lie."

"I'm serious."

"I don't believe you."

"Okay, that's fine. But it's true," the brunette defended. And it was. Even with everything that played out in front of him between Anna and Aïr, and later Sam, he didn't think about sex very often in relation to himself. He didn't understand the appeal of pornography because if he was going to get all hot and bothered over something, he didn't understand how watching someone else having all the fun was supposed to help. He'd much rather have someone get involved with him anyway since masturbating made him feel marginally pathetic. Reno obviously didn't understand that mentality at all but dropped the subject since he was obviously going nowhere fast.

Leon discovered there were two types of cameras he could use. One was the kind he had been using since the beginning. Their major capabilities were watching, recording, and picking up pieces of skin and hair to use to compile a genetic profile. Most Carriers used those throughout their entire operation. But Reno shared the news that there was another kind they could use to get better samples and make the profile more quickly. He apparently found the schematics for the new bug in one of the Elder's books Leon chose to ignore. It was a little bigger than the normal cameras but was faceted with a tiny needle that could draw in a couple drops of blood like a mosquito. Leon had mixed feelings about that; he wasn't sure he wanted to make Cloud bleed just so he could have something sooner that was going to happen on its own anyway.

"So did you stab Rude?" Leon asked when he took in Reno's completed genetic profile.

"Nope. His parents had him circumcised and I totally jumped in there and stole a piece when no one was looking," the redhead said. The brunette gaped at him.

"I don't know if I should feel repulsed or impressed with your insight."

"It was gross. I really don't want to do it again, but it got me what I needed. Regardless, I had planned on using one of these things even if I hadn't seen that opportunity. They're bigger and can hold a bigger sample than the normal ones. But I got Rude's profile done in one go. I have some bugs leftover for you to use if you want," he offered.

"I still don't know if I want to poke him though. What if I hurt him?"

"Honestly, I don't think that's an issue. You could probably do it while he's asleep and he'd never notice."

"True…"

"The only reason I'm encouraging you to do it is because partial profiles are finicky. Skin and hair work, but they take way more time. Hell, you might even have to poke him a few times before you get enough blood for a full profile, but the more time you take building one, the more chances there are for the computer to get confused and send the camera off to watch the parents again. That's fine while they're babies because they all stick together and it doesn't matter so much, but skin and hair samples take _years_ to build up and that's too much time to risk separation. Especially in this hellhole. I'm waiting for Rude's parent's house to explode one of these days just because Midgar is a bunch of dicks."

"Yeah…" Leon trailed, still unsure. Reno smiled.

"You're so cute."

"How do you figure?"

"The kid isn't even born yet and you're worrying about him."

"Well, he's sort of important."

"I know, but I have yet to worry about Rude."

"Rude also doesn't live in the capitol."

"Very true. Alright fine, you win. But seriously, three drops of blood isn't going to bleed the kid dry."

"I know. But I'd feel awful if he _does_ feel it and starts screaming."

"Tell me about it. I have yet to hear Rude scream as loud as he did when his mom would change him after his circumcision. Eugh," Reno shivered. "I'm really happy all my skin is still attached. At least with infants, they forget about it. Could you imagine if we—"

"Alright! Thank you. That's enough," Leon interjected, shoving the redhead some. Reno laughed.

"Snip snip, baby."

"Reno!"

"You're too easy sometimes," the other teased.

"Yeah yeah, I know. Can we move onto less horrifying things please? Cameras. Where are they?" the brunette said quickly. Reno went into his bedroom and returned with a small box. Leon took it from him. Inside was over a dozen of the bigger camera bugs and he nodded. "Thanks."

"No problem."

* * *

After so many years of waiting and forcing himself to be patient (sort of), the emotional roller coaster parked in front of the hospital on the day of Anna's induction. Anna and Sam were allowed off the ride but Leon decided that he needed to stay on the metaphor and ride around in circles while driving himself insane. He wanted to stand the couple on a few sets of wheels and shove them down the hall, to make them hurry up, but he was helpless behind his computer screen. All he could do was stare at them like a hopeful puppy in the window of a pet store, wide eyed and expecting.

Once Anna was settled on the bed, as per the normal routine, Sam started to pace. They waited for over fifteen minutes before the nurse, doctor, and the Captain came in with two random soldiers that seemed to serve no real purpose. Sam was about to greet the man when he stopped himself and looked confused. Leon agreed with his sentiments.

"Where's Captain Flynn?" he asked. The man in the doorway was not only the wrong Captain, but he had a child with him. A young child. He couldn't have been more than five years old. The man, presumably his father, shrugged.

"Vacation. I'm Captain Strahl. This is my son, Sephiroth," he said, waggling the finger the dark haired, green eyed child was hanging onto. "He's going to be a great General one day, aren't you?" he asked, looking down at the boy. Sephiroth nodded, scooting behind his father's leg shyly. "At any rate, he's here to be enriched."

 _Again, stupid names. Why all the stupid names?_ Leon asked himself.

"Enriched," Sam stated flatly with a frown. The Captain nodded.

"Oh yes. Start them early and they're bound to be a success. Wouldn't want him to fall behind would I?"

"Is it really necessary for him to be here? It's sort of a private moment."

"I wasn't aware I gave you a choice," the man said snidely. Anna fidgeted on the bed, picking at her nails.

"It's okay," she said quietly. Sam glanced at her and sighed. Taking that as a cue to continue, the Captain scooped the child up and went to sit with him across from the end of the bed. Sephiroth leaned back against his father's chest and the man took out his tiny handheld device that all the Captains seemed to have. He handed the stylus off to his son, which surprised Leon. Sam didn't look happy in the least and pulled his own seat up close to Anna's side and sat with a huff and a crease in his brow.

"Balamb?" Sephiroth asked, looking over his shoulder to his father. The Captain nodded. The child poked at the screen a few times. They both seemed to be focusing on a list of some sort, but Leon's attention was diverted when Anna was practically attacked and stripped of her pants by the nurse. Sephiroth glanced at her, then to Sam, and then went back to the device.

"What does Balamb have to do with this?" Sam asked, taking off his coat and draping it over Anna's lap.

"You're from there," Sephiroth interjected before his father could say anything.

"So?"

"Faggots are from there," the child concluded. Sam balked at him. The Captain's face split in the most malicious smile Leon had ever seen on a person. The dark look in his eyes made the Carrier's fingers turn cold. The lack of understanding wasn't helping things either. He really wished he had a law book or something to help him.

"Wh—I… _what_?" Sam sputtered. The Captain laughed and leaned in close to talk directly into the child's ear. Sephiroth nodded and poked at the device again.

"His deductive reasoning skills are remarkable," Captain Strahl said.

"You do realize that this child is mine, right? I was under the impression homosexuals can't have children together. And don't quote me on it, but I'm pretty sure Anna isn't a man. So I would really like to know how _any_ of that makes me gay," Sam deadpanned.

"You're from Balamb," Sephiroth said. The Captain held his hands up in an expressive shrug as if to say ' _what more reason do you need_?'

"Words cannot express how fucked up you people are," Sam said. The Captain frowned and covered his son's ears with his hands.

"Language. There are children here," he chastised. Sam rubbed his brows in frustration with an exasperated sigh. He flexed his jaw, grinding his teeth together as he kept himself in line and quietly seethed in his seat. The doctor stepped to Anna's opposite side and quickly injected her with the usual round of drugs. She reached over and tossed Sam's coat off her lap.

Throughout the entire twisted birthing process, Sephiroth was attentively watching while his father busied himself with the tiny computer. Leon muted his own computer when Anna's screams started. Sam was right there holding her hand and trying to comfort her as best as he could. The Carrier doubted he would ever get used to such horrific practices no matter how many births he saw and his gut twisted into knots when the blood spurted from her. The sheer amount of trauma she was going through was all he could think about. The only time he felt relieved was when it was over, the baby was out, and the Captain healed her before he did anything else. The nurse wiped the infant clean and handed it off to the man once he was finished with Anna. He smiled as he opened the wrappings to see the gender.

Leon had never been happier to see a penis in his _life_.

"Well?" Sam asked anxiously as he helped Anna sit up and covered her with his coat again, ignoring the bloody mess on the bed. The Captain ignored him and handed the baby off to one of the soldiers that were waiting by the door.

"Get him tested and find him a wet nurse. I'll be down to the clinic soon," the Captain said. The soldier nodded and immediately left, baby in hand.

 _Whoa, where're you going with that?_ Leon asked.

"Wait!" Sam barked and stomped towards the doors. The Captain turned and put a hand on the other man's chest and shoved him back a few inches.

"He belongs to the government," he said flatly.

"We can't even see him?" Anna piped from her bed. Leon was only half listening as he made his camera follow the soldier out of the room.

"He's _our_ son!" Sam protested.

"Are you not aware of the laws in this country?" the Captain asked impatiently. Sephiroth moved to his father's side and tugged on his sleeve. The man stooped and picked the child up.

"Well why do you get to keep yours?" Sam persisted, his voice echoed down the hall, Leon's camera crawling over the doorframe.

"Tell them why," the Captain said, looking to his child. Sephiroth looked Sam straight in the eye with an expressionless face.

"Because my daddy's not a faggot."

* * *

Leon's chest hurt as he left Anna and Sam behind and followed after his Charge. He didn't want to leave them like that, but his priorities needed to be in order. He considered sending a few cameras their way after things settled with Cloud, if for no other reason than to keep tabs on them and ease his curious mind. He doubted he would ever see either of them again if he didn't specifically go out to find them, and he felt horrible about it. Anna was a little screwed up, but neither of them were necessarily bad people and the recent circumstances were most definitely going to hurt them. But he needed to focus. He could always catch up with the parents later.

The soldier carrying Cloud was followed by the doctor that had 'assisted' in Anna's 'birth.' They both ducked into a room that was supposedly the clinic, but the Carrier wasn't convinced. The infant wailed away as he was shifted around, all of his joints and limbs being felt closely by the doctor's hands. His blood was drawn and his airways were checked and made sure they were clear even though Leon thought that the very healthy sounding screams were enough indication. If anything, he was wondering why they weren't making sure he was covered as much as possible. Cloud was probably freezing the entire ten minutes they had him laying out on the exam table.

 _What the hell is wrong with you people?_ Leon grumped. The entire system confused him. The 'clinic' had hardly anything in it aside from a huge pile of blankets, a few tables, and some basic medical supplies any idiot could go down to the store and buy. There were no monitors, no buggies to set the newborns in, no incubators, no neonatal equipment that he could recognize; there wasn't even a scale to see how much the infants weighed. The rumored 'tests' they needed to run apparently didn't amount to anything more than a visual inspection because there sure as hell wasn't anything else they could use to get any data. There wasn't even any documentation on the walls that gave him any indication that the 'medical' staff was in any way qualified to be handling his Charge, either. Leon had a sinking suspicion he knew how the interview process went.

' _So you want to be a neonatal care doctor, yeah? Do you promise to not kick the babies down hallways or drop them off the roof? You do? Good. When can you start?'_

"Well?" a voice chimed from the doorway. It was Captain Strahl with Sephiroth in tow. The boy broke away from his father to skitter over to the table to stare at the newborn. Leon wanted to boot the creepy child away immediately.

"No traces of geostigma that I could see," the doctor said. The Captain handed off a chart and the woman busied herself with scribbling on it. The random soldier left quietly once he had heard that everything was fine and the Captain retrieved a blanket.

"Did you decide where you wanted to send this one?" the man asked his son as Sephiroth watched him swaddle the newborn.

 _Send him back to his parents where he needs to be, damn it,_ Leon spat.

"Nibelheim," the boy said. The Captain made a thoughtful face before he nodded and went to sit with Cloud. Sephiroth climbed onto the arm of the chair and tugged at the blanket some so he could see the baby's face.

"Okay. Did you think of a name?" the Captain asked. Leon immediately held his face in his hands. Sephiroth looked around the room before he looked back to Cloud's blanket where there were zillions of tiny puffy white clouds dotted all over its baby blue backdrop. The Carrier could see where this was going even before the child said anything.

"Cloud."

"God _**fucking**_ damn it," Leon barked aloud, throwing his arms up in the air. "Seriously? _Seriously_? _Come on!_ Why does the five year old get to make these decisions?" he asked himself angrily, running a hand over his face. In his mind, the whole of Midgar's idiotic name theme had just been explained. He suddenly felt like he should turn the entire city into a crater and save the populace the _anguish_ of being called stupid names for the rest of their lives.

"Fine," the Captain agreed. The doctor scribbled some more on the chart before handing it off to the man to check over. He glanced at it and tucked it under his arm before standing again and heading for the door. Sephiroth teetered after him and they left together, taking Cloud somewhere else. Leon sighed and followed after them, mentally ticking off the list of everything they were doing wrong.

A little relief came when they entered the next room. First, it looked like a room a baby would want to be kept in. It was colorful and had an overall soft feeling to it; like someone thought longer than ten seconds when designing it and actually cared. Second, there were a few women with infants already in there and they all looked like they knew what they were doing. Their demeanors were vastly different from the blank emotionless 'doctor' and welcomed Cloud with smiles and open arms. Perhaps the best part was when the Captain and his demented spawn left because Leon's sense of impending doom dissipated and he was able to breathe a little better.

The wet nurse that took his Charge did another brief look-over but took the time to check his reflexes, his pulse, and listen to his lungs, which Leon was thankful for, but felt it was done a little late. Cloud could've suffocated ten times over by the time a proper examination was done, but he pushed it aside and tried to just be happy that he was presumably healthy. The Captain had left the newborn's chart behind and the woman took it to an available chair with her so she could attempt to feed Cloud. Leon relaxed when she managed to get him to latch on to her breast for a few minutes.

The Carrier ran his fingers through his hair and tried to mentally force his nerves to calm. He watched the pair fumble around together as Cloud decided he didn't want to cooperate and wanted to order the filet mignon instead of whatever the woman was offering him. He smiled. He decided that that squishy little pink thing was his, and that everyone that came in contact with him before he could was simply borrowing him. He planned on charging rental fees. With interest. The fees would be paid with 'stay the fuck out of my way' money when it came time to take Cloud home with him. And just so that everything was clear, he felt he needed to suction cup a little sign to Cloud's forehead that said:

_Property of 9x8b._

_Back the fuck off._

* * *

Cloud stayed in the hospital for almost a week before the arrangements were made for him to be moved. The only reason Leon could come up with for why he was being moved in the first place was that the government just felt like being bigoted. Whatever their aversion to homosexuals was, whatever problems they had with Balamb, whatever stick was shoved up their asses, it didn't excuse taking Cloud away from his parents. It confused him to no end but he couldn't do anything about it so he let it go. So long as Cloud was safe, he was okay.

The first night in the hospital was Leon's most productive. He took Reno's advice and used the bigger camera bugs to steal a few drops of his Charge's blood. The whole process was a little weird when he really thought about it but it was necessary. Like a mosquito bite, Cloud didn't feel anything. Or at least he didn't feel enough to wake up from his nap. The Carrier felt a little better afterward. He didn't get a chance to get any more before Cloud was being whisked away to wherever Nibelheim was, and he worried about it. But he was diligent in keeping his cameras with the baby so he didn't have to leave it up to them to try and find him again. He wasn't prepared to go back and see Anna and Sam yet and didn't want to risk losing Cloud in the process.

Traveling held its own bevy of concerns. Cloud wasn't the only infant being moved and he and several other children were loaded into a van with their wet nurses and hauled off into the city. The ride was relatively short and smooth so it stayed pretty quiet, but as soon as Leon realized where they were when they stopped, he almost punched his fist through the computer screen. It was an airport. If the Carrier had any sort of confidence in the cleanliness of Midgar's aircrafts he might have felt better about it, but he didn't, so he wasn't. In addition to that, the infants were being carried by their nurses in slings versus any sort of legitimate safety seat. The whole situation didn't sit well with him and before he could get seriously angry, he stopped watching and went fishing.

Taking a break helped. He had time to clear his head and pull himself together. Plus, the water was active that day and he secured a good catch. He came back a few hours later smelling of fish innards but feeling substantially better. He took a good long shower before going back to his computer and picking up where he left off. He hadn't missed much. His camera was still right where he left it, tucked into the pocket of Cloud's wet nurse's apron. They were on the plane and from what he could hear, all was peaceful. The flight lasted for another two hours before they were allowed to disembark. Leon spent most of that time in a light snooze, waking only when Cloud started fussing.

After the airport, they took another long car ride. They stopped a few times to grab a bite to eat, stretch, and use the restroom, but it was just as dull as the rest of the traveling so far so it was forgettable. Leon really debated with himself on why the Midgar government felt the need to move the infants so far away. He tossed around several ideas, like moving potential soldiers to places where they needed more of them, but the concept seemed sort of useless with newborns. Unless the military was making use of loaded diapers somehow, the Carrier really doubted their worth in the battlefield.

Perhaps even more perplexing was how they all started to split up at various intervals along the car ride. They would stop in a city or town, drop off a wet nurse and wait a half hour or so and she would come back without her baby. Then they would continue on to the next stop where the same thing happened. Four towns and several hours later, it was nighttime and Leon's map told him that they were really far from where they started but Cloud had yet to be dropped off. He was the last one and by the time they got to Nibelheim everyone was exhausted and Cloud was telling everyone how _pissed_ he was that he was still smashed up against some random woman's breast. Granted it was warm, but a guy needs to stretch a little every now and again.

 _I know kid. I'd be annoyed too_ , Leon sympathized.

Tucked between two different mountain ranges, Nibelheim was a stark contrast to Midgar. It was much smaller and much more colorful. Leon's immediate impression was that it wasn't a complete shithole; it was actually a cute little place. The buildings were country-ish in style, made mostly of cobbled stone and framed in wide pieces of lumber, and there was a bevy of plants around every one of them in all shapes and colors. Houses tended to either stand by themselves or were planted on top of a business in one of the shopping strips. There was a town center that seemed to have just about everything anyone could need but in a much smaller package. Family run businesses and small-time commerce was mainstream there, and at first glance, the people seemed hospitable.

The vehicle wove its way through the sleepy town into the outward residential area. The free standing houses were implanted into the nature around them, becoming part of the landscape the farther back they went. Cloud's stop was at the biggest house in its immediate area. It seemed very old fashioned with its splintery old door with cast iron hinges and handle but there was a lantern outside on the wall next to it with a light bulb, so at least he knew it had electricity. Structurally, it was fine, but the finishes were either really well done to look the way they did, or perhaps Nibelheim was just that old. Leon tried not to judge. He knew his standards were set high; the wet nurse's breasts could've been made of gold and he still would've found a problem with her somewhere.

"Nana!" a childish squeal came from behind the window next to the door. The curtains wafted around as whoever it was bounded into the house. The wet nurse knocked anyway while Leon wiggled his camera out of her apron and onto the ground. The squeaky door was pulled open by a rather petite woman with long black hair that fell to her waist. She looked to be around her late thirties with deep blue eyes that Leon was immediately leery of. She was thin, but not frail. Her hands were aged, suggesting a lot of work in her past, but she was well taken care of otherwise and it didn't reflect anywhere else. She greeted the woman with a wide smile and they held a brief exchange before the nurse handed her Cloud and a packet of papers. She left quietly afterward and Leon was left with the new woman.

As he followed her inside, Leon's ears were assaulted by excited yelling between three other child inhabitants. The woman shushed the others as she breezed past them and went to sit in an old rocking chair in the main living space. The house opened up into a small entryway before dumping into a hallway that branched off to the main living area and the kitchen. On the far wall of the living room there was a large staircase that went upstairs. So far, everything seemed to be made of wood and stone. The walls were made of some sort of poured masonry, the floors were squeaky old wood planks covered in some areas by large ornate rugs. The furniture was all ancient looking, antiques, and padded with elaborate patterns and muted colors. There was a small television in the living room as well as several lamps but the lighting was lacking and very dim.

"Is it a girl?" one of the children asked. All three of them looked to be around the same age; five, maybe six years old. The one that asked was a girl herself, with wild rusty red hair tied back into a lopsided ponytail and light amber eyes. She stood next to the chair, wide eyed and curious, looking down at Cloud hopefully. Nana shook her head and the girl's expression immediately deflated.

"Not this time," the woman said to her. The two other children, two boys, let out a cheer and looked to each other excitedly. Again, Nana shushed them and they settled for playfully shoving each other around to dispense of their energy.

"That's not fair. Why can't it ever be a girl?" the other pouted.

"I'm sure we'll get another one soon, Jessie. It's alright," Nana said. Jessie folded her arms over her chest defiantly. The woman laid Cloud out on top of her thighs and unwrapped him from his cocoon to look him over and let him stretch for a minute.

The first time Cloud opened his eyes, shortly after he was born, Leon had been surprised to find that his eyes weren't blue, but a borderline greenish color. He still had the neutral sort of coloration newborns tended to have but at first glance, the Carrier could see that no amount of darkening was going to make his eyes as vibrant as they were in his Charge profile picture. That bothered him. In the end, he didn't care what color Cloud's eyes were but the indication so far was that his Charge wasn't born with the eyes he was going to end up with. He wasn't given them by his druggie parents as Zack had said might happen and he was most likely going to earn them once he was old enough to be drafted.

Leon didn't like how upset he felt over that idea. He didn't realize how much he already cared about Cloud and how much he wanted to lock him in a safe box until it was time to leave. He felt antsy knowing what was coming for his Charge. He didn't like how he had no say over Cloud's safety and wellbeing. He didn't want to raise him. He wanted to be a separate entity, not his father, but for whatever reason he felt no one else could keep his Charge safe as well as he could. His Charge. His Cloud. His baby. No one else's. His possessiveness scared him a bit, too. Watching Cloud grow up suddenly felt like it was going to be his biggest challenge yet.

Obviously, Cloud couldn't give two shits about anything at this stage of his life aside from his own basic needs. Nana took him upstairs to a little nursery and laid him in a crib for the evening. Leon waited until she left before scooting his camera in next to him. Cloud wasn't sleeping again just yet, and probably couldn't see him very well between the low lighting and his infant eyes, but he was facing the bug and Leon wanted to believe he was aware of him. He wished he had a speaker and microphone or something he could use to talk to Cloud, just so he would know that he had someone out there that genuinely cared about him even before he was born. That if his life got tough, which it probably would, that Leon was more than willing to take him away from it to a life of peace and fulfillment.

He had to stop himself before he could get legitimately upset. Everything he had seen over the previous five years scared him to death when he thought about Cloud growing up in that environment. Granted, Nibelheim seemed like an okay place, but it was still part of Midgar and ultimately under the same government. He also couldn't help but feel sort of like a creepy stalker now that Cloud was there and staring at him. It was a bit of a surreal feeling. _Finally_ his Charge was there and looking at him and all Leon could do was wave at the computer screen and hope it translated somehow through a mechanical cockroach. That all sounded way less innocent than he wanted it to; his intentions weren't anything but good, but it was still weird.

 _Oh well,_ Leon told himself. Cloud zoned out and drifted off relatively quickly and the Carrier was able to move in and steal a few more drops of blood. Creepy stalker or no, he still had work to do, even if his methods made him uneasy.

At the very least he could say it was a labor of love.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

Nana ran an orphanage. Leon laughed at the concept since he doubted any of the children there were actually orphans. Regardless, she seemed like a nice woman. Jessie, along with the two older boys, Biggs and Wedge, all seemed happy and well taken care of. The boys were inseparable, and if they didn't look so different, Leon would've said they were brothers. Biggs was thinner and darker skinned than Wedge who was rather pudgy and pale. They both had dark hair and dark eyes but their physical similarities stopped there. Their friendship was very much a leader/follower relationship, with Biggs being far more outspoken than Wedge, who tended to hang around in the background and observe. To Leon, they were just kids and held no real significance to him. He just hoped, for their sake, that their names were nicknames.

Jessie was practically glued to Nana's side whenever she could be. Oftentimes she would be shooed outside to follow after Biggs and Wedge but it was usually met with a lot of protesting. She liked to help with everything. Cleaning, cooking, and running to the store were all on her priorities list. She and the other two lived upstairs while Nana's bedroom was on the main floor. The bedrooms were some of the biggest in the house but they were shared spaces. Aside from the nursery, there were a few beds in each room for each gender and Jessie was by herself. Leon could understand why she wanted another girl to pal around with. She was very much the third wheel of the group.

The house was planted on a sizeable piece of land that dumped out into the mountainside. There was a well trimmed back yard surrounded by a rock wall and several yards of wildflowers on all sides. Beyond that, there was the wall that made the border for the city, but otherwise it was wild mountainside nature. Leon was surprised there was so much life there; apparently Midgar's reach and death touch hadn't graced the land yet. There wasn't a lot of advanced technology in the city, either. A lot of buildings were heated by fireplaces and used fat wood burning stoves to cook with. There was running water, though some places had wells, and there was _some_ electricity. Television and lights were about the limitations of what the people cared to use. All in all, Nibelheim wasn't a bad place. It was much cleaner and friendlier than the capitol was, but there was one glaring contrast that Leon could see that stood out from everything else.

There wasn't any Mako.

He wasn't sure if he just wasn't seeing enough of the city or if it was genuinely that much different. There weren't any soldiers patrolling the streets either. He saw families with two parents and children running around; some even had pets. He was sure he was missing something. The entire place seemed a little too picturesque. The only complaint he could come up with was the lack of anything educational like a school or library, but that was it. Cloud's illiteracy still bothered him, but he couldn't ask for much more so he let it slide. He would deal with it when he had to.

Watching babies sleep was _really_ boring. After Leon's initial fascination with Cloud wore off, he decided his Charge wasn't all that exciting just yet. The newborn was asleep eighty percent of the time and if he wasn't doing that, he was either being fed, changed, or bathed. Once a few days of such thrilling activities passed, the Carrier went outside and did other things. He was okay with the knowledge that Cloud's digestive tract worked. He really didn't feel the need to _see_ it work.

When Cloud was two months old, Leon started to watch a little more. He still wasn't very exciting but the rare smile is what the Carrier hoped to see. They were few and far between but when they did happen he couldn't help but smile back. He also completed Cloud's genetic profile around that time so he was able to leave his cameras out longer without being overly obsessive about keeping the feed open. He didn't have to worry about losing Cloud anymore.

"Aaaw, look at that drool," Reno cooed, leaning over the back of the couch and resting his chin on Leon's head. The brunette had his computer propped up on his knees, the screen zeroed in on Cloud sleeping. Thrilling.

"It happens. I just hope he grows out of it," Leon said.

"Eh, I can take it or leave it. If Rude wants to drool, he can drool. He just has to keep it on his pillow and off of me and my personal bubble."

"I wasn't aware people could keep their personal bubbles once they started sleeping in the same bed with someone."

"I'm determined to have my space."

"I see. Are you going to give him a list of all the rules?"

"I should, shouldn't I? I should make a spreadsheet."

"I would think that'd be a deterrent. Your love comes with a contract and conditions?" Leon asked.

"Oh he has my love already. It's whether or not he'll be happy while having my love is the question," Reno chuckled. The brunette sighed and rolled his eyes. "What? You don't love Cloud yet?"

"That's not the part I was—never mind. Is there a reason you're hanging on me?" Leon asked, leaning to the side, causing Reno's chin to lose its resting place. The redhead gave him a small shrug and a tiny smile.

"Just wanted some contact," he said. Leon raised a brow.

"Feeling okay?" he asked. Reno shrugged.

"I just miss having a bunch of people around. The Shumi are nice and all but they don't hang around me like my family does. Did. Used to. Something. I don't know…" he trailed. He thought about it and laughed briefly. "I miss my herd, I guess is a better way of putting it. My Totem tells me I'm supposed to be leaving the maternal herd and finding my own way but my Implant side is telling me togetherness is good. So I've been trying to figure out which I want to listen to and just decided I wanted a hug."

"You're such a sap."

"I know. We could always do like the Bison do and make a dude herd and wander around and find bitches to screw," Reno giggled. Leon scowled.

"Right, and while we're out wandering, if I get hungry, all I have to do is lean over and take a bite."

"See? Win/win situation."

"I didn't expect you to agree so readily."

"If it gives me someone to hang out with on a consistent basis, I'm okay. Besides, if I get a head start, I could probably outrun you."

"You'd have to have the opportunity to get a head start though, is the problem. If I'm trying to chew your leg off, I'm not quite sure how well that would work out."

"I could just stomp on you too. I'm sort of fat."

"You said it, not me."

"Can't deny the facts," Reno said and hefted himself over the back of the couch to sit next to the brunette. Leon resettled in his spot to continue watching Cloud. Meanwhile, the redhead stared a hole in the side of his head. They sat there quietly for over fifteen minutes before Leon realized Reno was looking at him.

"Uh… yes?" the brunette asked.

"I was sort of serious about that hug," Reno said sheepishly. Leon sat up and leaned over. He put his arm around the other's shoulders and gave them a squeeze before retreating back to his spot. The redhead frowned. "That was a shit hug."

"I'm sorry? I'm really not sure what you're expecting me to do," the brunette said.

"Well it's normal for people to actually _face_ who they're hugging versus that one armed lean over bullshit," the redhead huffed. Leon rolled his eyes again and leaned forward to set his computer on the coffee table. He turned in his seat and held his arms open, giving Reno an annoyed face. The redhead purposefully shoved himself into the brunette's chest, pushing Leon backwards onto the cushions. Once he was firmly planted in place, Reno settled on his stomach, arms wrapped around the brunette's waist, holding him still.

"What the fuck? Get off!" Leon barked, trying to shove the other away. Reno squeezed his midsection tightly.

"Just give me a minute, okay?" he asked, looking up at the brunette's face with a pathetic expression. Leon was prepared to shove him away again but stopped himself and let out an exasperated sigh.

"Let me move for a second," he muttered and Reno let up enough so he could situate himself more comfortably. The redhead scooted up so he could rest his face on Leon's sternum and lay contentedly between his legs. Leon propped a few pillows up behind his head but made no move to actually hug Reno back or commit to touching him more than he already was.

"Thanks," the redhead said quietly.

"Mhm. Just don't make a habit of it, I'm really… not very comfortable with this," Leon said stiffly. Reno looked up at him.

"Sorry. You didn't sleep with anyone when you were first matured?"

"I did."

"And you didn't like it?"

"It's not that… this just isn't the same. I don't feel the _need_ to have…" Leon trailed, stopping himself when he realized what he was saying. The truth was, he _did_ want to have someone. The togetherness aspect is what he really wanted; he didn't feel the need for a relationship. He didn't like being alone, but he had gotten used to it. It was awkward to have that sort of companionship with Reno, as he really didn't have much in common with him, but who else did he have that could understand? He didn't dislike Reno despite their differences, but he hadn't thought about accepting him into anything other than what they already had. If he did accept Reno's comfort, it'd almost be brotherly, and Leon didn't know if he wanted to have that with someone outside of his own family.

"Leon?" the redhead asked. The brunette blinked a few times, snapping out of his thoughts.

"Hm?"

"Something on your mind, space cadet?"

"No."

"Are you going to finish your sentence?"

"Just forget I said anything," the brunette said. Reno raised a brow.

"But I want to know. You didn't like sleeping with someone? I think it's comforting."

"I liked it, but just accepted when it ended and got used to being by myself."

"I forgot you don't have any family yet," the redhead said.

"…Yeah. Thanks for reminding me."

"I wasn't trying to be mean to you. I only said that because I did it all the time with my cousins. My oldest cousin, Gloria, has had a house for a long time and she and her Charge have a bunch of kids and stuff so they had to expand a lot. But the kids grew up and moved out so they have this huge house and no one to put in it so they ended up asking me and a few others to move in with them and I shared a room with my cousin Drake. So I'm not really used to sleeping by myself even if I've been doing it here for so long. It's just not the same. I'm always tired because I can never fall completely asleep."

"I would rather you not sleep with me," Leon said flatly. Reno shook his head.

"I won't, but this is enough. Is… is this okay?" he asked, giving the brunette and uneasy look.

"Yeah. I can deal with it," the other said, giving him a small smile.

* * *

Cloud was a fat baby. Babies in general were sort of pudgy, or so Leon assumed, but he thought his Charge was exceptionally so. Reno insisted that Cloud was normal but the brunette wasn't convinced. As Cloud got older and started rolling around, crawling, and pulling himself upright, the weight didn't change. With how much more active he was getting, Leon thought the weight would've at least distributed differently or even gone down but it didn't and Cloud's cherub-y fat cheeks taunted him relentlessly.

He was just too damn cute. It wasn't fair.

"Would it make you feel better if he was disfigured somehow and horribly ugly?" Reno asked. Leon, slouched in his place and glaring at his roly-poly Charge as he waddled around, gave the redhead an indignant snort.

"I feel like he's draining the testosterone out of my testicles with how fucking stupid I feel when I look at him."

"…What?"

"Well, Nana goes around making moronic faces at him and babbling like an idiot and I can't help but feel I would be doing the same ignorant shit if I was there with him too. That bothers me," Leon sighed and held his face in his hands. "I want my machismo back."

"I'm afraid that flew out the window as soon as you chose a male Charge," Reno laughed.

"How do you figure?"

" _You_ may feel you have machismo, but for the rest of your life everyone else will question you two. 'I wonder which one of them takes it in the ass,' they would ask. And if they draw their own conclusions well… your machismo is shot full of holes just by opening the question regardless of whether or not you're the one that bends over."

"I refute that logic. It's too subjective," Leon spat and crossed his arms over his chest. "That same thing applies to you, then. You're okay with that?"

"People question my sexuality all the damn time anyway. I'm way too happy and social to be all huge and lumberjack-y and 'manly' and people are bigoted enough to take that and claim that I'm gay. I honestly don't care what they think because if my being happy and outgoing is enough to make me gay, then I guess I'm gay. In reality, it doesn't matter what we are. Society may not like it, but it doesn't affect our work. We're all practically hermaphrodites anyway."

"Hermaphr—o…dites. Oh my god you're right…" Leon trailed thoughtfully. Gender didn't matter when it came time to reproduce. It was a very roundabout sort of hermaphroditism, but it was true none the less.

"Freaky, right? Though it'd be more interesting if we were simultaneous hermaphrodites."

"Thanks for that visual," the brunette sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I'd really rather keep an attached vagina out of my equation. They can stay on the women."

"I agree. As much as I like babies, childbirth is just not something I need to personally experience."

"Yep," Leon deadpanned, turning his attention away from the startling revelation and back to his Charge. At seven months old, Cloud was getting himself into just about everything. He couldn't walk yet but he could pull himself up to stand and anything below two feet high was suspect to certain destruction. Several plants met their doom as well as a few bowls of cereal and cups of coffee. The child was relentless. He would grab onto whatever it was, empty it of its contents in the most haphazard fashion, and insist on swinging the object around before throwing it. Sometimes Nana would have to be called in to clean up the glass and Cloud would be hauled away so he didn't hurt himself.

Needless to say, there was a lot of chaos in the house. Nana seemed to revel in it though, which astounded Leon beyond belief. When she needed to, she kept all the children in line, dictating their every move and making them pull their weight. They did the dishes, cleaned the tables, and helped her cook when she wanted them to. Jessie was a constant for all of that already but the boys didn't get away from it; they were just less receptive. When Nana needed some peace otherwise, she would strap Cloud to her back and cart him around no matter how much he screamed. There were times when Leon had to walk away from the computer before he could get a headache from it all.

One day, Nana received a call. She sounded upbeat when talking with whoever it was and relented quickly to whatever they were asking of her. Leon didn't understand what was happening, but the next day, Nana went up into the house's attic and pulled out another crib. She spent over two hours assembling it and cleaning the dust off of it before she put it in the nursery next to Cloud's crib. It was a week later before another baby was dropped off much in the same manner Cloud had been; quietly. Nana was handed another packet of papers and sent on her way. She was bombarded by Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie again but this time, it was a cheer for the girl's side because Jessi wasn't alone anymore.

The baby was a girl, and her name was Aerith.

Leon was confused. The random addition of any wayward child felt strange. Nana didn't seem concerned about how many lived with her, which only brought up more questions. She didn't have a job outside the house, so how did she buy food? Nibelheim wasn't like Midgar and required actual currency to gain things. She obviously got the money from _somewhere_ because she went out regularly with a bag of coins and came back with armfuls of groceries. She would force the older children to help her carry it all, even. They were fed well, the bills were paid, and their clothes and toys were replaced if they ever wore out. The Carrier was suspicious, but he couldn't figure out why.

Paranoid tendencies aside, he couldn't deny that Aerith was cute. Not as cute as Cloud, in his book, but her enormous eyes were none the less captivating. His Charge's eye color darkened over the months and seemed to settle on a light hazel but Aerith's eyes were already a startling green despite how young she was. Leon estimated that she was about six months younger than Cloud based solely on what her developmental capabilities were. She couldn't even sit up yet and spent ninety percent of her time sleeping while Cloud was at the stage where he always vehemently resisted a nap. But instead of his usual screaming match at naptime, if Aerith was in the nursery with him, he was quiet. Their cribs were perpendicular to each other and he would sit with his face smashed up against the bars just _staring_ at her. He fell asleep like that a few times, which Leon found hilarious, and would wake up with marks on his face. Nana had the grace and sense of humor to take a few pictures of the scene.

Jessie fawned over Aerith like, well, like a big sister. She was forever picking the infant up and demanding she be the one to feed her and change her clothes. Nana still handled the diapers but everything else that had to do with the baby girl belonged to Jessie. The older girl paid less attention to the other chores she had gotten in the habit of doing, like helping Nana around the house, and all of her focus was zeroed in on Aerith. Cloud was sort of second on the girl's priorities list to begin with but once he noticed Aerith sucking up all the attention, he couldn't stand it. He usually expressed his displeasure by pulling things off of whatever table was closest but when that didn't work he decided to needed to yank on Jessie's hair a few times, which she was less than pleased with.

* * *

When Cloud was a year old, Leon took it upon himself to check in on Anna and Sam. He wasn't sure what to expect, but the air in the house was melancholic. Sam and Anna weren't speaking very much. Their contact was minimal. The Carrier was worried; they both looked so _miserable_. He doubted they were still upset over Cloud, but it was possible.

"You said we would be able to keep her," Anna said flatly that evening, staring ahead of herself at the television.

 _Her? They must have had another baby,_ Leon thought. Sam couldn't meet Anna's eyes.

"That's what the law says. The first born son is automatically assigned to the military unless the father is from Midgar and enlisted in the military. Every child after that has the option of being kept with the parents. I thought that meant it didn't matter who the father was after that. I've told you a thousand times. I didn't know they could do what they did," he said blandly.

 _Must have been recent_ , the Carrier amended.

"Yeah well they did. You told me you looked into it and I trusted you. You promised me!" Anna spat, sending the man a murderous glare.

"And I know what I read! I'm…" Sam barked before forcing himself to stop and calm down. "Why would I lie?"

"I don't know, why don't you tell me?" she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I'm not lying to you," he insisted.

"I don't believe you. If it wasn't for you, I might have been happy by now," she said, her voice cracking as her eyes started to water. Sam looked away.

"I can't change my past. I can't change where I was born. It doesn't matter anyw—"

"Yes it does!" she shrieked, tears bursting from her eyes. "It always has! You say it doesn't but you're the only one who thinks so! She's gone because of you! Because of Balamb! You had to take me away from my home and tie me to you! Brainwash me into thinking I could be happy with you!"

"I tried! I tried so damn hard!" Sam interjected. "And for a while, I thought you were! I thought you stopped caring about Balamb a long time ago!"

"Because you tricked me! I'm too fucking _stupid_ to think otherwise, apparently! I really thought things were getting better! You promised me after we lost the boy that we could keep the ones that came after! And like an idiot, I believed you! I knew I should've just listened to what I had been told for my entire life! Balamb is full of liars!"

"I didn't do it on purpose! I wanted to keep them both! I would…" his voice got caught in his throat and he had to swallow to clear it before he could try again. "I would have loved to have them both here. I really didn't think it mattered."

"Well it does. And now she's dead," Anna said. "If you had never taken me away from my home I would've been better off. I may not have had a son, but at the very least I'd have been able to keep my daughter. I would've had someone who actually cared about me, someone who would've loved me unconditionally instead of… _using_ me."

"What did I use you for? I've gotten nothing out of this but a bunch of grief and suffering."

"I helped you when your father died."

"And I helped you move past Aïr."

"I cooked your meals and cleaned your house and took care of you when you were hurt."

"And I gave you a roof that doesn't leak, food to eat, clothes to wear, and I saved your life. I'd do it again if I had to, too," he said flatly. She looked at him through tears out the corners of her eyes.

"I lost two children because of you."

"I lost them too. And as I recall, you weren't exactly gaining them without me, either."

"I hate you," she said.

"…I know you do."

 _Everyone needs someone to hate, apparently,_ Leon sighed. He rubbed his eyes tiredly and tried to think through the details. The couple must have had another child together after Cloud that much was clear. He highly doubted she died through natural means and could imagine the Captains handing her off to the random soldiers by the doors with the orders to burn her because her father was from Balamb. It was a believable story and it disgusted him with how easily acceptable it was. Sam served the country even though he didn't want to, and his continual punishment made the Carrier's stomach twist into knots. He sort of wished he could take both Cloud and Sam home with him. Give them some peace. Anna could rot for all he cared.

They slept in separate beds that evening. Leon didn't stay much longer after getting the full story from them but came back the next day to check up and see if they were any better. They were quiet, Anna especially so. She made breakfast for them both and they ate together. Sam got ready for his patrol and went to leave. He stopped to give her a kiss goodbye but she looked away from him, so he settled for kissing her temple and going on his way. Leon noticed as the man was getting dressed that the skin on his arms was still bruised but the edges of the bruises were turning grey, like it was dying. That didn't bode well with the Carrier in the least.

Anna spent most of the day cleaning. It was almost obsessive with how much she did. She would wipe something off, scrub it with whatever cleaner she had with her, wipe it off again, scrub it, rinse it, and then dry it. Regardless of what the surface was, that was the routine. She did it with almost a mechanical sort of posture, like she was a robot designed for that specific purpose. She finished shortly after lunchtime and after she ate, she sat in front of the television for a couple hours until it was time to make dinner. She was moving incredibly slow, and her eyes were downcast as she pulled out a roasting pan and went to the refrigerator to dig out what looked sort of like a chicken. It wasn't exact, and its coloration was strange, but it was some a kind of poultry. Leon wanted to try it.

She dug around the cabinets for spices and in the pantry for some vegetables. She spent another hour chopping. When she was almost through, she slowed and stared down at the countertop quietly. She seemed to snap out of it for a few seconds and started moving again, moving to a lower cabinet and shuffling around the various bottles of cleaner under the sink. She retrieved a case, and Leon's stomach immediately plummeted to his toes. It was the case of syringes that held the doses of Mako assigned to Sam. It had a thick layer of dust on the top of it and she sat on the floor with it, her eyes hollow. She opened it. There were still four doses left.

 _Don't be stupid, please…_ Leon begged her. He fidgeted in his spot on his bed for a few seconds before deciding he needed to be around someone else, just in case. He shuffled out of bed, pulled on one of his flowing robes he hardly ever wore and hurried out into the living room with his computer where Reno was, sprawled out on the couch. The redhead sat up and looked at him with immediate concern.

"What's wrong?" he asked. Leon plunked down next to him and set the computer on the coffee table so they could both see Anna staring at the syringes with tears in her eyes and a blank face. The brunette couldn't bring himself to say anything but Reno didn't press him for explanation and sat with him quietly; the look on Leon's face was enough for him to know things weren't good. Anna gradually broke down into quiet sobs on the kitchen floor.

She stopped a few minutes later, and she started to laugh. It was a hysterical sound, fraught with almost-weeps and tears. She picked up a syringe and turned it around in her hands slowly, sniffling loudly as a smile wiggled its way across her lips. She mumbled a few incoherent sentences to herself before pulling off the cap and quickly injected herself. Both Carriers let out an audible gasp and gaped at the woman in wordless horror. Anna was quick to take up another syringe and plunge its contents into her veins as well before dropping the tubes and letting out a long sigh. Shortly thereafter her breath quickened to a panicked panting. She clutched her chest as her extremities started to shake. The tremors traveled through her entire body to the point where she had no choice but to slump backwards and convulse on the floor. She lay still after a few minutes, wisps of the Lifestream pouring out of her mouth and sinking into the floor.

Leon and Reno were speechless. They stared at the screen in a stunned silence for what seemed like forever. It was hardly ten minutes before Sam came home.

"I don't know if I can watch this," Leon whispered, mostly to himself. Neither he nor Reno could get themselves to move, though. There was a loud ' _thud_ ' as Sam dropped his gear on the chair in the living room and his footsteps towards the kitchen were like thunderclaps.

"Anna?" he called, peeking into the kitchen and looking around. When he saw her, the color instantly drained from his face. He stared at her for a few minutes before carefully making his way into the room and kneeling next to her. He seemed eerily calm aside from his shocked expression and leaned down to put his ear to her chest. When he didn't hear anything, he closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. He sat up again and looked at the scene around her, taking in the case with the other two syringes. It took him a few minutes, but eventually his eyes started to water and his chin quivered. He gently scooped her up and hugged her face to his chest as he quietly broke apart, keeping his face buried in her hair.

"God…" Leon trailed, rubbing his eyes as they threatened to spring a leak. Reno patted his back.

"I'm sorry," Sam squeaked, petting Anna's hair and rocking back and forth with her. He repeated his words over and over again, apologizing for things he couldn't change, nor have avoided in the first place. He eventually scooped Anna up and took her to go sit at the table. He cradled her in his lap and rested her head against his shoulder while reaching for the phone. He sniffled, regained his breath, and wiped his face dry as he dialed, allowing the call to come over the speaker on the base instead of through the receiver.

"Hello?"

"Mom…" he trailed sadly, hugging Anna again and rocking with her, his cheek resting against her forehead.

"What's wrong, baby?" his mother asked, her voice immediately concerned. Sam coughed out a sob.

"I can't come back home," he blurted as he lost himself again, quietly sobbing into Anna's hair. The phone was quiet as the woman on the other end let him calm down again. Sam wiped his face again but it didn't do much good. "The de-deal was that… I don't have to go back into ac-t-tive combat if I c-can stay on the rotation roster in th-the city," he sputtered, sounding more like a broken toddler than a grown man.

"And you can't anymore?" his mother questioned.

"I can't go back to the way it w-was," he sniffled, sucking in a long breath to try and still himself so he could stop stuttering. "Anna's dead, mom," he said quickly, choking on a hysteric sob and squeezing the dead woman to his chest again. His mother was silent for a few minutes.

"You're sure?" she asked, sounding monotone. Sam took a deep breath.

"Y-yeah. She's still warm but… I don't h-hear Eden anymore," he said. Leon furrowed his brows and exchanged a watery glance with Reno, who shrugged his confusion as well. They both took a second to wipe their faces dry. Sam broke apart again and openly sobbed into the crook of Anna's neck. "It's either I go out and kill a bunch of our men or rape a bunch of helpless women! I can't do it anymore! I'm tired of being a monster!" he yelled. His mother shushed him comfortingly.

"It's okay to stop," she said quietly. Sam sucked in great heaving breaths as he tried to stop his cries long enough to listen. "The girls and I were talking about it. You were the only thing keeping us from what we felt we should do. Your father's already left us, and since then, Midgar made it into law that women aren't allowed to work. Your sisters tried to get what they could out of the soldiers but… the military has its own whores and… they just take it for free anyway so there's no point in trying," the woman explained. Her tone was soft, comforting, but heavy with emotion. "It's either we starve because we can't afford to eat, or we just… stop. We've prayed a lot, Sammy. We feel Eden supports us. If we can't see you again in this life, then I think it's time we think about meeting up in Eden's Garden."

"Yeah…" Sam trailed, sniffling a bit, but seemingly calmed.

"The girls and I need peace. We feel like you do. We can't live like this. It's wrong."

"Yeah."

"Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah," he said, taking a deep breath. His mother let out a relieved sigh as well.

"Have you been saying your prayers?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Has She forgiven you?"

"As much as She can."

"Then that's all you need, baby."

"I'm sorry, mom," Sam sniffled. The woman shushed him again.

"You don't have to apologize to me. You were the perfect son and you did everything right. It's time to find peace, Sammy."

"Okay."

"I'll go tell the girls."

"Tell them I love them."

"I will. If you make it to the Garden before we do, tell your father we'll be there soon, okay?"

"Okay," Sam said.

"I love you, Sammy."

"I love you too, mom," he said. The line went dead with a soft ' _click_ ' and Sam reclined back in his seat with a deep breath. He looked down at Anna and pet her hair again. "I don't know where you thought you were going after this life, but I hope you're with Aïr again so you can be happy. I should've known something like this was inevitable. I would've had to go back to fight or… hurt more people again eventually anyway so I don't blame you. I don't hate you. I never expect you to believe what I believe, but I hope it doesn't matter in the end and Eden embraces you anyway," he hugged her again and rocked back and forth gently with his eyes closed and tears running down his face.

 _I don't blame him_ , Leon thought. The Carrier had never considered the idea of suicide before in any context. He didn't have much of an opinion on it yet, but he could see where it would seem like someone's only option. Knowing the fate of Plane 087 made it a little easier to swallow, as it would ultimately save Sam and his family a lot of suffering from Midgar's tyranny. There wasn't much to look forward to in their future.

Sam scooted out of his seat, bringing Anna with him to go sit on the kitchen floor where she had started out. The case of syringes was still open and in plain view and he took his time situating her in his lap so he didn't have to hold her up. He took up a syringe and looked it over, resting his cheek against the top Anna's head as she leaned against his chest.

"If our little gir—" he stopped himself, clearing his throat a bit. "If Theresa went to the Garden, and I get to see her, I'll tell her that you loved her so much. That you wanted to keep her and that you didn't give up on her. If… if the war brings our son to me, I'll tell him the same. I promise… I won't let you down again. I don't have to be with you to try and make you happy," he said, turning his wrist upward and injecting himself with his free hand. He took the second one up quickly and did the same with it. He dropped them and quickly hugged her again, pressing his lips to her forehead and letting the tears flow freely. "My only regret is that I never told you how much I loved you," he mumbled against her skin. "Please be at peace…" he trailed.

Leon couldn't watch once Sam started to die. He turned away from the screen and hid his face in his hands. Reno, sniffling, muted the sound once the man's breathing started picking up and his convulsions shook the cabinet door he was leaning against, clattering it against its frame. The redhead closed the computer and rubbed Leon's back as the brunette tried to keep himself from falling to pieces. He hated death. Especially since it tended to sneak up on him and happen to people he cared about. It made every other life seem so much more fragile, and that scared him. How many more people would he have to see die in some way before he could go home and start focusing on _life_? That was his purpose, to create life, not watch people die.

"Did… did you want to save the footage?" Reno asked quietly. Leon sniffled a bit and turned around to face him again.

"Why would I want to do that?" he asked.

"For Cloud?"

"Fuck. Cloud," the brunette sighed, holding his face in one hand. He had forgotten there was another piece of the equation, albeit an unsuspecting one. "What am I going to tell him?"

"I don't know. You could always save the footage for now, and decide later if you want. Or, you could just get rid of it and come up with a story for him. Or, you could save it, tell him it's bad, and let him decide if he wants to see it or not. Or you can just wait for him to ask you; and he might never do it. There's lots of ways to go about it."

"Possibly… just… save it for now and I'll decide later," Leon mumbled. Reno nodded and opened the computer again and cut the feed and stored the footage. Afterward, they sat together quietly, letting the events sink in.

"Did you want to have a sleepover in my room?" he redhead offered. The brunette glanced at him and thought about it.

"Yeah."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

The second law of physics, as Leon was taught, was the conservation of mass-energy. Energy and matter can be neither created nor destroyed. Plane 087's physics were confusing at first glance, but they followed the same principles when he really thought about it. Things that seemingly appeared out of nowhere were actually there to begin with, but in a different form. Even Midgar's usage of the planet's energy followed the law. They didn't destroy the energy, they just prevented it from returning to its original form under the planet's surface. So in reality, the only thing that Plane 087 did that confused him were the methods they used to manipulate the physics he was already familiar with. It was a comforting realization on his part.

Carbon, hydrogen, oxygen, phosphorous, all of the elements of life were there as well. The masses that made up the different lives on that plane were the same but categorized a little differently. The people seemed less concerned about the micro-masses that made up their environment and were more focused on the macro-masses. The bigger things. Fire, ice, electricity, the wind, all of it was important to them. The one that meant the most to Leon though, their greatest element, was that of life. The Lifestream. It was a constant variable in everything, regardless of the context.

That being said, if matter and energy (the elements) can be neither created nor destroyed, what happens when life changes into death? Plane 087 was a place of opposites and for every element, they had its opposite available to them to keep the balance. Death was the opposite of life. So that brought up another question: what is death? If it's an element, an energy of some sort, then it of itself can be neither created nor is it ever destroyed. What happens to the life that becomes death? There is no end in death because that would mean it was destroyed, and if that can't happen then there must be something more to it than what Leon had considered before.

There had to be an afterlife. It may not be apparent until a person transcends a certain part of their lifecycle but there was no logical explanation otherwise. There had to be something there once life ends and becomes death. Physics and numbers were irrefutable facts to Leon; things that he couldn't change even if he tried. So the idea of an afterlife was logical to him. He couldn't say how it was handled or what it was like but he knew it was there.

He still wasn't a religious person. He didn't put a name or a face to what he concluded and personified it to something he couldn't comprehend. But he could understand how people on Plane 087 could fall into the religious habit. He doubted that most normal people, be they from Midgar or Balamb, really understood the elements and physics like he did. Even Sam, who was educated, really didn't seem to be able to separate 'Eden' from the normal facets of life. He had listened to Anna's chest after she died, supposedly for a heartbeat, but then told his mother that he didn't hear 'Eden' anymore. That sort of disjointed understanding of human physiology gave Leon a whole new perspective on the people he watched. But there was a flipside that scared him.

It also meant it was easier for people to kill one another. If the people held the afterlife in a high regard, it would almost sound like they were doing each other a favor by ending their lives. Death didn't seem like such a big deal, even to Sam. He was more concerned about going back into the battlefield or hurting more women than he was over Anna's death. He was still upset that he had to say goodbye but his suicide was ultimately to keep himself from torturing his fellow man versus joining Anna and seeing her again. He wished her happiness, said goodbye, and that was that; he was off to join his family in peace. Leon couldn't get himself to believe like Sam did. He couldn't draw conclusions he couldn't prove and though he believed there was an afterlife, he wasn't convinced it could solve everyone's problems in the end.

"That's deep, dude," Reno said when Leon explained his theories to him. The brunette shrugged and pushed a piece of his fish fillet around with his finger.

"Do you think I'm being irrational?" he asked.

"No, I actually agree with you. I do think, however, that all of this was born as a coping mechanism. But at the same time, I think it's a good one. A lot of people have coping mechanisms that are really weird and harmful so I'm glad you found one that's born from logic and a level head. However, if people don't see 'life' as an element in the true sense of the word, then they could disprove your theory pretty quickly."

"The act of living cannot exist without the 'life' part of it. Whether we call that life 'Eden,' the 'Lifestream,' or chock it up to the synapses in our brains and the electricity we use to move, it doesn't matter because it still exists. So if life isn't an element and not needed to live, well, then I hope someone has an explanation for me because that just doesn't make any sense."

"Very true."

"I will agree that it's a coping mechanism though. I like to think that they didn't just… stop. That they continued on and they didn't 'die' in the sense we accept it as."

"Does that mean you believe in reincarnation too?" Reno asked.

"Well if life is an element and elements are an energy or mass, then it can't be destroyed. It has to cycle through and change again. That could mean that they manifest as something else, or that they are reborn into another human body. So… yeah, I guess I do. It's not that much of a stretch."

"So… I could be eating the energy from a serial killer right now?" Reno asked, looking at his plate of vegetables curiously.

"Possibly. Same thing with this fish," Leon said, poking his fillet again.

"Awesome. Hope the bastard likes spending time in my colon, then," the redhead snorted and mercilessly stabbed his greens a few times before making a performance out of his chewing. Leon smiled and continued eating.

* * *

Once Cloud figured out that he wasn't limited to scooting along the perimeter of whatever furniture arrangement he was near, all bets were off. At fourteen months old he started walking and every square inch of the house suddenly belonged to him. There was no 'Cloud you can't do that' in his understanding and someone had to be watching him every second he was awake. Usually, the responsibility was on Jessie to keep him entertained and out of the kitchen cupboards, but the boys started hanging around once they knew how funny it was to watch the pudgy blonde teeter around on his wobbly legs. There was something to be said about the entertainment value surrounding other people's clumsiness.

The only problem Leon had with Biggs and Wedge hanging around was that they felt the need to assist Cloud in falling on his ass. The toddler did it enough on his own, but the Carrier would catch one of the older boys discreetly putting something in the blonde's way just to watch him fall. Most of the time they got away with it. Sometimes Jessie would see them and say something, but usually she was paying more attention to Aerith than anything else. As a result, Cloud always had some form of damage on him; either a small bruise or a bit of rug burn or a cut, but nothing substantial. He rarely cried though, and the older boys weren't cruel enough to hurt him so much where he would. Leon had to pick his battles.

Cloud had a very expressive face but he was quiet. He really only made noise when he wasn't happy with something. Naptime was pretty much the only thing he didn't like outside of pain. He ate whatever Nana would give him, he would play with whatever was available, and he wasn't old enough to understand teasing so he didn't have much to talk about in the end. Not that the blonde was of the mindset to hold a decent conversation in the first place, but even Aerith was more vocal than he was and would yell and squeal and laugh whenever she pleased. Cloud would watch and listen to her carry on, but he didn't imitate very much.

By the time Aerith started walking Cloud was a little more sure-footed and could express enough to get his point across. Basic single word sentences like 'up' and 'bug' were some of his favorites. He was completely aware of Leon's cameras by that stage and would climb the furniture to try and reach wherever the Carrier was. Nana would pull him off the backs of chairs and Cloud would try to worm out of her grasp, reaching for the camera and yelling what it was. It was a bittersweet situation for Leon. He didn't like taunting the child like he was but he couldn't keep the smile from his face when Cloud would look at him. He made the mistake of getting a little too close on a few occasions and his camera would be crushed under the blonde's hand, but he learned to avoid it.

"What's the matter, Cloud?" Nana asked softly as she gently tugged Aerith's nightgown into place. The blonde was standing in the corner of his crib staring directly at Leon's camera which was situated in the corner above him. The toddler reached towards him.

"Bug," he said with a determined face. He looked over his shoulder to Nana and then back at the camera. The woman set Aerith down in her crib and looked to where Cloud was reaching. Leon was fairly confident that he couldn't be reached where he was, and his suspicion was confirmed when Nana made a disgruntled face but didn't make a move to squish him.

"Just ignore it, okay? It's not going to hurt you," she said and leaned over the edge of the crib and kissed the top of his head. "Lay down. It's time for bed," she said. Cloud flopped backwards and sat with a huff. Nana was satisfied and left shortly thereafter. Once she was gone, the blonde was on his feet again and staring at the camera.

 _I wish I could say 'hello,'_ Leon sighed. Apparently Cloud wanted to say hello as well because he started to try and pull himself over the side of the crib in an effort to reach him. The Carrier tensed when he realized what the blonde was trying to do, but relaxed when Cloud couldn't get the coordination together enough to lift his legs over the railings. The last thing Leon wanted to see was his Charge falling out of his crib and landing on something important; namely his head. A broken neck didn't sit well with him. Cloud was frustrated though and gave the camera the most pathetically angry face Leon had ever seen.

"Bug!" the blonde whined and shook the railings. Behind him, in her own crib, Aerith was staring at him with wide curious eyes. Leon watched Cloud with an aching heart for a few minutes before he relented and drove his camera down the wall to where the blonde could see him better. His Charge watched him closely. The crib was in a corner, so two of its sides were up against the walls and Leon was able to keep his camera out of harm's way but still get close. Cloud kept trying to reach him, sliding his palm up the wall and patting the surface when he couldn't make it.

Leon didn't like not being able to respond to him. After twenty minutes of watching the blonde struggle, the brunette sighed and caved. He scooted the camera down to where Cloud could reach him. Surprisingly, his Charge didn't crush it immediately. Cloud sat and looked up at him with wide eyes and a contemplative face. Leon wondered if someone in the village could make him something that had the same color as Cloud's eyes. The hazel was very light and made the orbs shine like a couple of gems. They were Anna's eyes, and the realization made his chest hurt.

Cloud suddenly furrowed his brows and his expression turned concerned. He sat there quietly for a few minutes, lost in his own little world. Leon raised a brow, wondering what the problem was. Cloud's expression blanked and he stared ahead of himself. A brief second later there was a deep rumble that was muffled between Cloud's butt and the crib pad and the toddler startled out of his trance. Leon immediately started laughing, holding his face in his hands. Reno, who was at the other end of the couch, looked to him with a raised brow.

"Was that what I think it was?" he asked, the smile slowly spreading across his face. Leon couldn't breathe as his laughs got caught in his throat and turned into hoarse squeaks. The fact that Cloud had no reaction to the noise outside of snapping back to reality just compounded things for the Carrier and made it harder to stop. It took him several tries to calm enough to speak.

"Yes. His ass totally just ruined the moment," the brunette said, cheeks pink.

"Moment?" Reno questioned.

"He knows the camera is there. Well… he knows a bug is there."

"Oh, is that what all the yelling was about?"

"Yeah. And we were practically just staring at one another and… I don't know. It felt like he could see me. But then he farted and ruined it and now I can't look at hi—" he said, getting caught up in a few stray laughs, "look at him until I'm over it," he finished.

"Rude does that a lot. Hell, _I_ do it a lot but I hide it well."

"You don't eat any meat, so they're easier to hide because they don't smell as bad though I bet you have more gas than I do."

"Probably. If I could clump the projectile force of all of them together, I could probably reach the moon," Reno said. Leon laughed again.

"That's disgusting."

"It's a natural occurrence."

"Using your farts to propel yourself into the stratosphere is natural?"

"Oh. No. I thought you meant farts in general were disgusting."

"No. I don't even notice yours. Mine on the other hand…"

"Bad?"

"Burn your eyebrows off," Leon said. Reno laughed.

"Gross."

"Just be happy you don't sleep with me. I don't want to sleep with me sometimes."

"Poor Cloud."

"You assume we're going to share the same bed," Leon said, casting a sideways glance at the redhead. Reno shrugged.

"I have a hard time with the idea of spending the rest of your life around someone and not developing feelings for them."

"There's no guarantee he'd even _want_ to spend the rest of his life with me. He may go off and find a wife for all I know."

"That's why it's important to make a connection with him before that happens."

"I'd really rather not dictate his life for him. I'd like to take him home and give him the choice."

"I don't see why being here or being there would matter. A connection is a connection. Unless it's Stockholm's. Then it's sort of twisted."

"My biggest deterrent is that I can't tell him everything until we're home. I don't want to make a connection and then scare him away by showing him what I am. Romance is too fickle to base my life on just yet. I'd like the rest of it to stabilize before I focus on the things that are out of my control," Leon said flatly. Reno sighed.

"Whatever. I think you're being irrational about it, but you do whatever you feel you need to."

"I will."

* * *

Cloud's fascination with insects didn't stop at Leon's camera. When he was two, he was allowed to go outside more often with the older kids. Nana was always watching; either from the porch or the kitchen window. Biggs and Wedge were major influences on the toddler and would cart him around and flip over rocks to show him where the bugs lived. The occasional lizard would pop out and surprise all of them, but it was usually just an excuse for Cloud to chase after something so Biggs and Wedge could watch him fall on his face.

But like most small children, Cloud had a penchant of putting anything and everything in his mouth. Much to Leon's disgust, insects weren't exceptions. There were a few times he would have to look away and cringe as the blonde stuffed some enormous grasshopper-looking thing in his mouth and crunched on it. Normally, the bug wouldn't taste all that great so Cloud would spit it out and make up for his misdeed by twisting his face into hilarious positions. Sometimes though, the opposite happened and the blonde would add another inhabitant to the colony of multi-segmented creatures taking roost in his small intestine. Especially worms. Leon didn't understand the appeal of eating worms. However, the instances of actual ingestion happened more than they should have, but weren't all that prevalent. Nana was usually there to stop him.

One day, in the early autumn, Cloud's living breakfast decided to fight back. Biggs and Wedge had just flipped over a decent sized rock and were poking at its inhabitants while Cloud was rolling a ball a few feet away. The older boys let out a yelp as a huge centipede crawled out of the soil and skittered away. Cloud noticed the noise and then noticed the centipede making its way towards him. Just from the threatening look of it, Leon could tell it was poisonous and his gut twisted as he watched Cloud get up and go after it. It had two half inch bright yellow stingers on its back end and as soon as his Charge's hand was on it, it curled itself upward like a scorpion's tail and stung him right on his wrist.

Leon nearly started crying at the _horrible_ scream that came from the toddler. It was one of the few times he heard Cloud literally _bawl_ like a baby. The urge to rush over to Nibelheim and sweep him away was immense. But Nana was there in an instant to scoop the blonde up, crush the centipede, and whisk him away. She rushed him to the kitchen sink and washed his arm. It wasn't long before it started to swell and she had to pack everyone up and hurry into town to take the blonde to the doctor. Cloud didn't stop crying through the whole experience. His tears were renewed once the physician gave him a shot of antivenin. Two stings in one day does not a happy child make.

Afterwards, Cloud didn't want to go outside anymore, he didn't want to look at bugs, but worst of all he avoided Leon's camera like the plague. The Carrier had to take special measures to avoid being seen which was a tiring process because Cloud still moved around like normal and the chase was constant. The benefit of being able to walk on the walls was the high vantage point and minimal moving, but if the blonde saw him, he would squeal and run in the other direction. Leon tried not to take it personally but the last thing he wanted was for Cloud to be afraid of him, camera or no camera. The Carrier tried to make amends by scooting in the crib with him and showing him that he wasn't going to get hurt. But that backfired as Cloud squished himself up in a corner, held his arm to his chest defensively, and started crying. Leon didn't go back for a couple days after that.

When Cloud was three, his hair was getting to the point where it was going to need regular trimming if he was ever going to be socially presentable. At least in Leon's eyes. The hair was less like downy baby fluff and more like actual hair, and that meant it stuck up more and had darkened to where it was noticeable. He supposed it didn't matter on a child as much, but habits are best started early and if Cloud ever wanted to be less weird looking, he needed to start soon. But as the days passed, no one seemed to care about his Charge's hair, which was saddening. Well, that wasn't entirely true. Jessie cared about Cloud's hair, but only when it grew out enough for her to play with it.

Cloud and Aerith started to play together more at that age and since the blonde was around, he was subject to whatever Aerith was doing with Jessie. Being nine, the older girl was into a lot of the things little girls like to do. Like playing dress-up. Thankfully, Cloud wasn't okay with being stuffed into claustrophobic dresses but Jessie managed to discover something about the blonde that intrigued Leon to no end. When she managed to get Cloud to sit still long enough, she could play with his hair and no matter what she would do to him, he would always fall asleep. He would then wake up with fifty bows in his hair but he would stay sound asleep for at least two hours. It was a fascinating tidbit Leon mentally filed away for later use.

Cloud and Aerith gradually became synonymous together like Biggs and Wedge. Jessie was there most of the time with the children so they would put up with whatever she made them do but eventually they would end up playing together and ignoring her completely. Leon felt bad for the girl, she tried her best, but being shot down by a pair of three year olds had to be a kick in the pride no matter how old or what gender the person was. Regardless, the Carrier could admit that Cloud and Aerith were cute together. The little girl was the one who was able to get Cloud to go outside again, even though he steered clear of the rocks Biggs and Wedge flipped over.

Aerith was good with her hands. By the time she was five, she could craft a crown out of flowers before anyone even noticed she had gotten into the beds out back. Nana had to get into the habit of buying seeds almost every time she went to the store because Aerith had the uncanny ability to rip the plants apart before they had time to drop their seeds and sew themselves. But like Jessie's bows, Cloud was a frequent recipient of Aerith's feminine brand of abuse and was constantly bombarded by whatever she happened to make. But by that stage in his life, the blonde could understand teasing just fine and resisted Aerith's advances simply because Biggs and Wedge made fun of him. Being eleven, the older boys had their sense of smug self satisfaction wrapped tightly around their egos and were _convinced_ they were the epitome of manliness.

Leon didn't care one way or the other what Cloud did with his time so long as he grew out of whatever girly habits he picked up from Aerith. The Carrier wasn't looking for a burly hairy lumberjack to take home with him but at the very least he wanted Cloud to wear gender appropriate clothing. Jessie still hung around the younger pair like a leech and tried to dress the blonde up whenever possible. Having a tea party just wasn't the same if it was only her and Aerith and apparently putting the most god awful potpourri laden hat on Cloud was supposedly going to fix that. Well, by the time he was six, the blonde had had enough of that and decided to abandon them both and play by himself.

He was a very quiet child and Leon didn't really know what to think about it. Not that the Carrier was the most social being on the planet, but when the blonde didn't do anything but watch TV and build things out of blocks by himself, he couldn't help but see flashes of Anna and her particular brand of anti-socialism and that scared him some. Plus, watching an anti-social kid was exceedingly boring. Leon was sort of happy their roles weren't reversed and he was the Charge to Cloud's Carrier; he'd never hear the end of how dull he was growing up as he couldn't see himself being much different than he currently was. The brunette didn't hold it against him though; he just pitied him. He didn't know what to expect to see from Cloud in the first place, and his experience with small children was nonexistent, but Biggs and Wedge were way more energetic than he was and the blonde really looked out of place.

Cloud and Aerith's sleeping arrangements changed drastically when the blonde was around seven years old. Their cribs were adjustable and actually folded out into a full sized child bed but that wasn't the problem. The room itself was simply too small. So Aerith was ushered off into Jessie's room while Cloud went to bunk with Biggs and Wedge. The blonde was less than thrilled about the idea. Neither of the older boys had been particularly kind to him over the years and sharing a room with them just meant he was in their vicinity more often.

"I'm sort of happy Rude is an only child," Reno said.

"So is Cloud," Leon responded.

"Sort of. He doesn't have blood related brothers but Biggs and Wedge fit the bill pretty well."

"They're awful to him half the time."

"Right. Sounds like older brothers."

"… See this is why I want sisters."

"Women tend to be nice to their brothers but are terrible to each other. I wouldn't want to be a girl with a lot of sisters," Reno said with a shudder.

"Well, then that's fine. Sisters serve the purpose for me just as well as brothers do."

"I think you just want to play dress up and wear dangly hair things," the redhead giggled.

"Not really, no. Besides, I have a hard time believing adult women enjoy forcing the adult men into women's clothing. When everyone's young it's like playing with oversized dolls and I can get that."

"You _really_ have no idea, do you?" Reno asked with a small amused smile.

"…About what?" the brunette asked confusedly.

"Have you never heard of a 'fetish' before?"

"I'm aware of what they are but I'm not familiar with many of them. Why?"

"So you've never heard of cross-dressing?"

"…I can figure that one out on my own now that I'm aware of it. Adult women do that to adult men for… what purpose? And why would you think that would relate to me and my sisters?" Leon asked, giving the redhead a suspicious once-over.

"I think it's less prevalent in the heterosexual society."

"Okay so... I… don't understand. If a male couple gets together I would think female things are the least of their concerns. I'm not really sure why one would stuff the other into a skirt. It doesn't make much sense to me," Leon said. Reno waved a hand.

"It's like any fetish, they fluctuate with the people and each personal experience a person has. I actually had a discussion with one of my cousins about this. If you really think about it, the core of the human baser instinct, like a lot of species', is to get together and make more humans. Whether we're homosexual or not, we cannot deny what our original instincts were back in the caveman days. In that respect, regardless of what someone considers their sexual orientation, I believe everyone still has that instinct buried in the back of their heads. As a result, some gay men that act on their original heterosexual tendencies can get off when their partner is in a pair of high heels."

"I'm pretty much over this conversation, Reno. Why do you need to tell me these things?" Leon said flatly.

"It's educational!"

"No, it's uncomfortable."

"Okay, fine. I still say you're inexperienced in life. I'm attempting to desensitize you to the _weird_ shit human society comes up with by starting with the not-so-weird shit. If you can't get past the idea of a dude wearing pantyhose then you really need to get out more."

"Do _you_ wear pantyhose?"

"Hell no. Shit's itchy," Reno snorted. Leon sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"Am I supposed to keep a lookout for random men who will attack me and force me to wear lacy panties?"

"That's a distinct possibility. I'm willing to put money on the idea that there are some guys who will do that right before they rape you."

"God, shut up. Augh," Leon groaned.

"Well it's true! It's not like I think any of it's a good idea or whatever but the truth is that society is full of weird ass people doing weird ass shit. There are probably only two people in the _entirety_ of human existence that fit into your tiny little inexperienced mold. For all you know, the shit Jessie and Aerith force on Cloud might actually get him off one day. What are you going to do then?"

"Why would it matter to me what gets him off?"

"Wh—he…eugh! You're so frustrating sometimes!" Reno huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You talk to me as if I'm being judgmental. I have yet to meet anyone that's seriously out of the ordinary like that so I honestly can't say what I can and cannot tolerate. I know the discussion of such things isn't my favorite though and I'd really like it if we can drop it and move onto something that doesn't make me feel weird."

"Good weird or bad weird?"

"Bad weird."

"Fine," Reno grumbled and went back to his computer screen. Leon took a breath and sighed. "I have to wonder about the quality of the parenting Rude gets," the redhead said.

"Why do you say that? His parents seem like good people."

"They are, but I really question their judgment about where they take him. He's eight and he goes to work with them every day and hangs out around fire and pointy things. He's learning a trade in the process but it still makes me nervous."

"Blacksmithing is a lucrative business in this world, I'd imagine. But it's probably good that he's learning early. Be happy he's doing something that's somewhat mentally enriching. Cloud doesn't do much of that."

"Some of his blocks had letters on them," Reno said, a paltry defense for the young blonde's lack of education.

"Yeah but unless someone sits him down and tells him what they are, they may as well be dirt clods to him."

"I know. I was just trying to make you feel better."

"Once he can read something to me, I'll feel loads better."

* * *

There were very few things in Cloud's childhood that Leon considered memorable. Between the ages of seven and nine there wasn't much going on that wasn't already happening. Cloud stayed to himself most of the time while Biggs and Wedge teased him for one reason or another, and Jessie bugged him to play with her and Aerith on a consistent basis. The blonde didn't eat or fear bugs anymore, he was potty trained, and could dress and feed himself so any other monumental milestone in his life was sort of a moot point if he wasn't being educated. He didn't have any friends outside of the orphanage but everyone in town knew who he and the other kids were, but no one seemed to pay attention to them otherwise. It was a dull couple of years for Leon.

However, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie were getting older. They were all about the same age give or take a few months and having three suddenly pubescent teenagers in the house was way more entertaining than Leon ever thought it would be. There were more fights between the two boys about who was going to use the sink to shave first than the Carrier could count and more creative uses for tampons that he never could've imagined before. Apparently wet and inflated tampons freeze well and when combined with rubber bands, they make excellent projectiles. Cloud was pelted with them frequently, which Leon didn't like so much, but then the blonde would gather them up and hold them all by the strings like a bouquet of dead mice and take them to Jessie and set them in front of her.

"These are yours," he would say. Jessie's face would flash bright red and that's when the Carrier could agree that the whole scenario was hilarious. Cloud would leave, red faced as well, and stay quiet for the rest of the day.

But then the hormones took over. It seemed like and overnight occurrence. One day Leon was able to say 'I'll just check in for a minute' at any point during the day and not be visually assaulted by things he didn't care to see. The next day, he popped into the boy's bedroom looking for Cloud and Jessie was there guzzling Biggs' penis like it was the best damn thing on the planet. Making a hasty retreat from that unwanted picture was the easiest thing the Carrier had ever done and found Cloud in the girl's bedroom with Aerith. The blonde was sprawled out on his stomach all over Aerith's bed, sound asleep while the girl was on the floor doing… whatever it is she did with her dolls. Leon never cared to pay attention to it before.

"Aerith?" Nana called down the hall. The girl popped to her feet and rushed to the door to shush the woman as she came closer.

"Shh! Cloud's sleeping," she whispered.

"It's three in the afternoon, why is he sleeping?" Nana asked confusedly.

"He said he was tired 'cus the others are really loud sometimes and he can't fall asleep."

"Are they? When?"

"After bedtime," Aerith said sheepishly and looked down at the floor, shuffling her foot absently. "I'm not supposed to say anything though."

"Interesting," Nana said thoughtfully before patting Aerith's hair and making her way further down the hall. Leon scooted his way out of the girl's bedroom so he could see; the temptation was just too much. Nana quietly went to the boy's bedroom door and flung it open without warning. There was a loud gasp from both of the room's occupants followed by the _loudest_ scream of pain Leon had ever heard out of a human being before. Nana gasped then and covered her mouth with her hands.

" _Why did you bite me?_ " Biggs screamed. Leon scooted around the corner just in time to see the teenager roll off the edge of the bed clutching his genitals. He curled up into a tiny ball and moaned and groaned to himself. Jessie sat off to the side with a horrified expression, staring at Nana.

"I can't say I'm entirely sympathetic, but I did come in here to yell at you so I suppose I don't need to anymore," Nana said. She sighed and went to Biggs and leaned over him. "Are you bleeding?"

" _No!_ Just go away…" the boy squeaked, voice hoarse. Jessie stood and hurried out of the room, her expression floating between tears and embarrassed laughter. Leon left Nana to deal with Biggs and skittered back to the girl's bedroom and wiggled his camera under the door. Much to his surprise, Cloud wasn't awake. Apparently Biggs' nuclear explosion of a scream wasn't enough to jostle him, though Aerith seemed plenty worried.

"What happened?" she asked, peering at Jessie, who was holding her face in her hands and sitting on the bed.

"Don't ask. Just… go back to sleep or whatever you were doing."

"I wasn't sleeping. Cloud is."

"Whatever. Just leave me alone for a second."

"M'kay…" Aerith trailed and wandered back to where her dolls were on the floor. Leon scooted closer so he could see Cloud. The blonde was still breathing, which was reassuring, but the brunette had his doubts that he was just that heavy of a sleeper. It didn't matter in the long run. He just had to make sure Cloud didn't fall asleep in the first place while doing something important and everything would be fine. It was another tidbit the Carrier mentally filed away for later reference.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

Being ten and having to live with witnessing things you don't understand had to be tough. Leon went the extra mile to be bothered right along with Cloud. He hung around longer than he usually did just to see what the supposed 'nightlife' was like in Nibelheim. Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge brought it home with them frequently and carefully so Nana never knew about it. They would sneak out at night after bedtime and usually parted ways and went to sleep; whatever they were doing during the hours before that were anyone's guess. During this time Leon discovered that the easiest way to wake Cloud up from his death grip on sleep was to physically assault him.

Wedge was the clumsy oaf that figured it out, having come back from whatever nighttime festivities inebriated on something and literally falling onto the blonde's bed, assuming that it was his own. Leon didn't see glowing eyes the few times he paid attention so he wasn't sure what was going on, but alcohol wasn't exactly nonexistent either, and he just assumed that's what the threesome did in their spare time. The few times Cloud was woken up were forgettable, and Leon was more concerned about the times he wasn't able to fall asleep. They became more and more frequent the older the others got and by the time Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge were sixteen it was obvious what kept them so active.

Somewhere, somehow, they had gotten themselves wrapped up into using Mako together and the Carrier was thoroughly pissed. Their habit was turning sloppy and was wholly disruptive in the household after a while, pushing all judgment aside and carrying on like a group of animals. One instance in particular boiled Leon's blood to the point where it felt like it was going to spurt from his pores. Late into one wintery evening, Jessie, Biggs and Wedge came home as they usually did and headed upstairs into the boy's bedroom giggling like a trio of baboons. Biggs ended up tripping over his own feet and flopped into bed with Cloud, startling the blonde awake.

"Hey little buddy," the teenage drawled at him, eyes glowing. Cloud furrowed his brows in a sharp glare.

"Get out of my bed," he said sternly, rubbing an eye tiredly. Biggs grinned like a demon and ruffled Cloud's hair. Jessie and Wedge were preoccupied on the far side of the room in Wedge's bed furiously sucking the skin off each other's faces, both of them blazed beyond comprehension.

"No need to get angry. I was just stopping by for a visit," Biggs said.

"That's stupid. We share the same room. You can't visit your own room," Cloud spat. Biggs laughed.

"Okay fine. Not visiting. Sharing," he said, which confused the blonde.

"You don't have anything I want."

"But you don't know what I have."

"Don't care. Still don't want it."

"But you will," Biggs said and stuffed his hand in his pocket to retrieve a bag and shook it in Cloud's direction. The blonde eyed it warily, but curiously. Without prompting, the older boy pulled it open and produced what looked like a test tube with a small hole in it. The hole was a vent with a tiny metal screen in it and was positioned halfway up the tube. In the bag with the tube was another tube, but that one had a stopper in the top of it. Biggs unplugged it and upended a little of its contents into the vented tube with a smile.

"What're you doing?" Cloud asked.

"Big boy things. Do you want to be a big boy?" Biggs asked, replacing the stopper in its appropriate tube and fish around inside the bag for a lighter. He flicked the flame under the end of the vented tube and twisted the cylinder around gently.

 _Don't even tell me you can smoke it, too_ , Leon groaned to himself. He was angry before Biggs even did anything.

"…Why wouldn't I?" Cloud asked skeptically. Biggs shrugged and put his lips to the tube and inhaled its fumes, pulling a mouthful. He moved quickly, yanking Cloud towards him and covering the boy's mouth with his hand. The blonde yelled in the back of his throat and tried to wrench away but Biggs brought their faces together and blew the smoke directly up Cloud's nose. His lips were practically up the blonde's nostrils they were so close, but once he was finished he let the boy go. Cloud immediately started coughing and crawling away while Biggs busted apart in laughter.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room, Jessie and Wedge were mostly undressed and still all over each other. Wedge's face was buried in her breasts as Jessie's clumsy hands were fumbling at the zipper of his pants between them. She let out a squeaky sigh that caught Biggs' attention and the other boy practically launched himself off Cloud's bed to go join them. His first priority was to rub himself against the girl's backside to let her know he was there before his hands got greedy and started groping. Once over his coughing fit, Cloud stared at them confusedly but once they started actually having sex and making a bunch of noise, he decided to leave.

Even if Cloud wasn't his Charge, Leon would still be upset with seeing a child's eyes glow under Mako's influence. The blonde stumbled out into the hall and flopped against the wall opposite of his door. He held his head in his hands, whimpering as pain throbbed through his temples. He slowly lowered himself to the floor, sliding against the wall until he was doubled over and gnashing his teeth together. Jessi, Biggs, and Wedge were getting to be obnoxiously loud and the more they carried on, the more upset Cloud became. He reached a snapping point after about ten minutes of suffering in the hallway. He stomped back into the bedroom.

Cloud was a relatively shrimpy kid. His baby fat disappeared over the years and left behind a scrawny little blonde kid with huge hazel eyes and a completely unthreatening demeanor. But the look of absolute _rage_ in his eyes would've made Leon run for the hills if it was ever turned on him, ten year old or no ten year old. It was a look that screamed 'I'm going to rip your colon out through your eye sockets.' The threesome on the far side of the room paid him no attention but Leon was baffled by the strange contortion Jessie was in so either boy could have whatever orifice of hers they wanted. It was really more of an amorphous blob of legs and genitalia versus a group of horny teenagers but Cloud wasn't paying much attention to them as he stalked across the room to an armchair that was situated next to their closet.

It wasn't a huge armchair and was probably mostly fabric and stuffing but Cloud didn't hesitate to lift it off the ground over his head, and throw it like it was a ball. It crashed into Biggs' back and the teenager screamed as he and the entire pile of bodies was rocked and fumbled around on the bed. They quieted immediately and looked at Cloud whose face was bright pink and his jaw was so tense it looked to be on the verge of snapping. His breathing was labored and he took a minute to gather himself before speaking.

" _SHUT UP! I HAVE A HEADACHE!"_ he screeched and grabbed his head again.

"Cloud?" Nana called up the stairs, her voice followed by her angry footfalls. The blonde staggered around, fisting his hair and letting out pained half-groans and whimpers. The woman was at the door quickly and she gasped. " _What is going on here?_ " she yelled. Cloud let out a cry at the volume and collapsed to the floor on his knees.

"Fucking psycho threw a chair at us!" Biggs barked. Leon sighed and rubbed his eyes.

" _Jessie! Get back to your room and you boys get dressed! This is inexcusable!_ " the woman ordered. Jessie at least had the decency to hurry, versus starting an argument, and clumsily gathered her clothing before leaving quickly. Wedge timidly got dressed but Biggs wasn't having any of it and stood there defiantly, completely exposed with his arms folded over his chest.

"What the hell? Doesn't Cloud get yelled at too? He could've hurt us," Biggs defended. Nana ignored him and went to Cloud's side and tried to pick him up.

"I'll deal with you three in the morning," she said and rubbed the blonde's back until he was ready to look at her. He had tears in his eyes and his breathing hadn't slowed.

"I don't feel good, Nana," he said. The woman gave him a sympathetic face as she studied his eyes. She wiped his cheeks.

"I would imagine you don't. Come on. You can sleep with me," she said. Cloud seemed a little relieved to hear that and scooted forward enough to hug her around her neck so she could pick him up.

"What the fuck, that's not even fair. The kid assaults me and he gets coddled?" Biggs spat.

"Dude, shut the fuck up," Wedge grumbled and threw a pillow at him. Nana turned to leave but stopped when she noticed the pair of emerald eyes watching through the cracked door. She didn't say anything as she walked out but held her hand out and Aerith took it, following after her.

Leon was relieved. Even if Cloud wasn't feeling well, at least Nana intervened before things got too out of control. Though he was leery. Mako was in the house now. Cloud had been introduced to it and the Carrier wondered if his reaction was unique to him or if it was like that for everyone's first time. Either way, he wanted to throttle Biggs for forcing it on his Charge. He wasn't pleased with Jessie or Wedge either but he wished only a mild beating versus outright death on them. He felt better after Cloud and Aerith climbed in bed with Nana though. The girl lay next to Cloud and ran her fingers through his hair gently as he held his face, still trying to quell his headache. Nana stayed close in case she was need but let Aerith handle it otherwise.

* * *

Nana was on the phone for a good portion of the next day making plans with someone named 'Barry.' She sent the older boys off into town to work with a couple of her friends as punishment for the evening before. Jessie stayed home and did chores. Cloud and Aerith weren't affected in terms of punishment, but the blonde stayed in bed for most of the morning feeling ill. Aerith was right at his side for when he woke up every hour or so to vomit or roll around in pain. Leon was depressed for the entire day because of the blonde's condition and stayed in bed so he could keep an eye on him.

"Just for a little while," Nana told the man on the phone. She was silent for a moment as she listening to him. "Right. Dinner. Okay? I'll see you then," she said and hung up. She immediately picked up the receiver again and started dialing. "Hello, General Strahl?"

 _General?_ Leon thought, the name immediately piquing his interest.

"Yes. Ye—Yes! It's good to talk to you again as well," Nana said happily. She went to one of the cabinets in the kitchen and opened the drawer to shuffle around some papers. There wasn't an office in the house to speak of so most of whatever paperwork needed to be done was kept in the kitchen so Nana could use the table to work. She pulled out three packets of papers and dropped them on said table and sat so she could flip through them. She started reading off a series of numbers to him out of each packet and there was a long pause afterward. "Oh yes, apparently they feel they're adult enough. When can I expect you?" she asked.

 _Wait…_ Leon trailed thoughtfully.

"Oh that's perfect. Right. Thank you very much. I'll be waiting," she concluded and hung up again. The Carrier was immediately suspicious. He hung around Cloud for the rest of the day, but paid attention to Nana again once Biggs and Wedge came home from whatever work she had them doing. She sat them both and Jessie down at the table, the air between them serious.

"Is this bad? Do we really want to hear this?" Wedge asked quietly. Nana shrugged, her anger from the previous evening bubbling up again.

"Well, since you all feel that it's acceptable for you to act like adults do, I made some phone calls. General Strahl will be here within the week to pick you all up. Well, he'll be here to pick you boys up anyway. Jessie, I'm not sure if he'll have anything he needs you for, but I may just send you off to the capitol to serve your time there. You're all of age anyway. It wasn't too long before he would've contacted me."

"I don't want to go to the capitol!" Jessie squeaked.

"We didn't hurt anyone," Biggs said haughtily, crossing his arms over his chest. Nana raised a brow at him.

"Oh didn't you? Why don't you ask Cloud if you hurt anyone? Preying on children. You should be ashamed of yourself. Apparently your behavior wasn't limited to just yesterday anyway, from what I hear. You all have been going out behind my back for a while, and well… who am I to stop you from growing up? At the very least you all will get what you want one way or another. Rampant sex and disturbing the peace isn't frowned upon in the capitol, so that's where you'll be the most happiest," Nana said. Wedge and Jessie seemed the most concerned about their near futures and sat quietly with worried expressions. Biggs, on the other hand, wasn't put off at all.

"Good. Like hell I'd want to stay in the backwards shithole town. Send me to the capitol. See if I give a damn," he said. Wedge whacked him on the arm.

"Don't you know anything? We have to serve for a year in the field before we can sign up for rotation duty. Jackass," he grumbled. Biggs waved a dismissive hand.

"Tch! Like it's that bad. Even if either of us do see combat, Balamb is full of pussy fairy faggots. I bet none of them have even seen a wheel before let alone the stuff the military has. Ride towards them on a motorcycle and they'd shit themselves and run back to their pansies and daisies."

"So you think, but we lose just as much men as they do. Why do you think we're still fighting?" Wedge asked. Biggs shrugged.

"Entertainment value."

"Fucking dick," the other sighed and rubbed his brows.

"Don't you pay attention to the news?" Jessie asked.

"Yeah. Where do you think I know all this from?" Biggs asked. The girl rolled her eyes. "At any rate, what the fuck do you care? You get to go to the capitol right away anyway."

"Yeah, to have _kids_. I don't kids," Jessie said.

"How hard can that be? You fuck, wait a while, squeeze one out, they patch you up, and you start over. You don't _have_ to keep any of them if you don't want to. The rest of the time you can go out and screw whoever you want and sit on your ass all day. Sounds okay to me."

"Fine, then _you_ do it. I'll hang onto the sword and stab people," she spat in return.

"If I could, I would."

"You say it as if childbirth is that easy," Nana said coolly.

"Isn't that what women are made for? Having kids? I'm pretty sure that's why you guys have the right parts," Biggs said.

"If I had had the capability of having my own children, I would've. But instead, to have the mothering experience, I run this foster care. I would've liked to have gotten married and had a family of my own but no man in this country wants a woman that can't have children. Jessie gets to have all the stress of having a child without the family part, even if she does choose to keep one of them later on. It's illegal to get married in the capitol."

"And what's the big deal about marriage?"

"You don't find a family, one cohesive happy existence, to be appealing?" Nana asked.

"Being tied to one woman when I can have hundreds? Why would I want that?" Biggs asked. The woman shrugged.

"Because it gives you security, it gives you personal satisfaction, it gives you love and all those things people don't think they need, but take for granted when they have them. I tried to raise you all with some semblance of understanding for what life has to offer outside of what the government expects of you, but instead you've showed me that that's all you seem to want."

"I want to get married…" Wedge trailed. Biggs gave him a shove.

"Like anyone would want a bubbly lardass like you," he said with a laugh. The other slouched in his seat with a sigh. Jessie did the same and looked over to Wedge from behind Biggs' chair.

"Biggs. Leave," Nana said. The boy in question raised a brow.

"What?"

"Leave. Just go somewhere; either outside or to your room or something, because I've had just about enough of the _garbage_ that comes out of your mouth," Nana said. The boy scoffed at her and stood abruptly, knocking his chair over. He didn't bother to pick it up and stomped away from them and up the stairs. The woman sighed and ran a hand over her face.

"We're really leaving?" Wedge asked. Nana nodded.

"It was getting to be that time anyway. You're all sixteen now and at the very least you and Biggs don't have a choice. I'm not sure where you're going to go, Jessie. If you're allowed to stay here, you can, but I don't have the ability to keep you if General Strahl decides I can't. The same will happen once Aerith and Cloud are of age, so it's not exclusive to you three," she explained.

"It's the price of freedom, right? That's what the TV says anyway," Wedge asked. The woman shrugged.

"They say that, but I don't see any evidence that we couldn't be free without it. Balamb seems to be doing just fine from what I hear."

"Where did you hear that?" Jessie asked. Nana shrugged again.

"From other people. Around. Don't worry about it," she said. "Anyway, you're both excu—"

"Nana?" Aerith piped from around the doorway. The group at the table turned to look at her. She shuffled her feet. "Cloud had to throw up and um… he didn't make it to the potty this time," she said. Nana sighed and rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"I'll be there in a minute."

* * *

When 'Barry' showed up at the house later that evening, Leon was taken aback by how _enormous_ the man was. Nana and Jessie had spent most of the day after the lecture cooking and created a veritable feast for everyone. Or, at least a feast for Barry; the man looked like he could eat a train. He was dark skinned, covered in tattoos, had a neatly trimmed full beard and mustache combination, and a high and tight militaristic haircut. Leon couldn't decide if he was angry or had a permanent scowl but he certainly looked menacing, regardless of what the reason was. The Carrier had no desire to ever meet the man face-to-face simply because he was afraid he'd say something wrong and the man would snap him in half with his huge hands and arms.

"There you are, Barret! I was wondering when you'd get here. You're late!" Nana chided, wiping her hands on a towel and giving him a scrutinizing eye.

"Sorry, Natalie. I got tied up on the way over here. Don't worry though, I'm here and I can help," he said.

 _Natalie's a normal name. I like that,_ Leon told himself. Barret took a seat at the table and reclined back. Jessie's posture stiffened once he was there and moved around the kitchen like robot with rusty joints. Nana went to the stairs and called down the other kids as the girl started setting the dishes of food on the table. Biggs and Wedge were the first to make it downstairs followed shortly by Aerith. Cloud wasn't anywhere in sight.

"Where's Cloud?" Nana asked.

"Sleeping," Aerith said. The woman nodded and let the rest slide.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Biggs spat, taking a seat as far away from Barret as possible.

"Making sure your skinny ass behaves," the man responded. Aerith happily sat next to Barret and gave him a wide smile. He smiled back. Biggs scowled but sat as well.

Dinner commenced and stayed relatively quiet. Nana and Barret did most of the talking and even then, it was amongst themselves. Afterward, Barret helped clear the table but ducked outside before the dish washing could start. He went around the back of the house, Leon's camera following after him closely. He had a truck parked outside and stopped by there to pick up a ladder and a toolbox. He set the ladder up against the back of the house and climbed up to the bedroom windows on the second level, tugging his tools behind himself. He dug inside the box for a few nails and a latch set.

 _Well that's not a fire safety hazard at all_ , Leon sighed sarcastically. Barret worked away, securing each window closed with a simple latch hook. It wasn't horribly strong, but it would deter the older kids from sneaking out at night, which was what the Carrier assumed the purpose was. There were only six windows total and the man was done in forty-five minutes. He packed up and put everything away before grabbing a bag out of his truck and heading back inside. It was a larger bag used for personal effects, and he ducked into Nana's room and dropped it off before heading back into the kitchen where the ladies were just finishing up the dishes.

"All done?" Nana asked.

"Yep," Barret said. The woman smiled.

"I appreciate it."

"Anything else?"

"Not that I can think of. I'll be in, in a few," she said. Barret nodded and took his leave, heading back into her bedroom. Leon scowled hoping the implication wasn't what he was thinking it was. Nana finished the dishes and ducked into her room quietly afterward. Leon scooted close to the door just to ease his curious mind and discovered that yes, they were having sex, but at the very least they were being civil about it and staying quiet. The older kids seemed to know what was going on but no one said anything. Jessie distracted Aerith in their room while Cloud napped on the spare bed. It wasn't until later that evening that the Carrier understood why Barret was really there.

As if following a schedule, about an hour after the lights went out and the younger kids were asleep, Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie tried to sneak out. They were extremely quiet about it but once they discovered that the windows upstairs didn't open, they tried to go down the stairs and out the front door. However, Barret was down there watching television and caught them. He sent them back upstairs and stayed up the entire night ensuring they didn't escape. He even checked in on them after a few hours to make sure they were asleep. When they were, he went to bed with Nana and slept in the next morning.

Cloud was alright by the next day and ate breakfast with everyone like he was supposed to and spent most of his time either by himself, or with Aerith. The young girl fussed over him, worried he still wasn't feeling well, but he eventually got her to leave him alone about it. Things fell back into the usual routine, with the addition of Barret spending his time at the house and keeping order. Biggs had less to say when the man was around, but made it obvious how displeased he was about it every chance he got. Leon did catch Jessie and Wedge sneaking off together into the house a few times to be alone but they weren't obnoxious about it and it was more like dating than rebelling. The Carrier wondered if Biggs just imposed himself on them so he wouldn't be left out.

After a week of Barret's company, the time came for the older kids to be whisked away into the government's special brand of adulthood. General Strahl was in fact the same man who was Captain ten years before and his son, Sephiroth, was still following him around but had aged considerably. His eyes were already tinted the rich Mako blue and his dark hair had grown to the middle of his back, and though he didn't look exactly like his picture, Leon recognized him immediately. Sephiroth was the General he had the option of choosing to be his Charge back before he chose Cloud. A sense of relief washed over him when he noticed it, as the adolescent was not the sort of personality he would ever want to associate with. He did find the coincidence a little unsettling though.

"Everyone ready?" General Strahl barked when he entered the house. Aerith and Cloud were watching from behind the end of the kitchen cabinets. Nana's posture was stiff and her arms were crossed over her chest. The mixed feelings were obvious on her face, but Barret was there to pat her shoulder in reassurance. Biggs and Wedge bid their goodbyes and headed outside, each with one piece of luggage, but Jessie's situation was handled differently.

"This her?" Sephiroth asked, stepping around his father and into the house. He was already a soldier and was dressed to the nines in his uniform and had a condescending smirk to match it all. He approached Jessie as the girl stood there sullenly staring at the floor. Nana looked away as the girl was assaulted by Sephiroth's hands. He shoved them up her shirt and felt her chest before he pushed her over the kitchen table and flipped up her skirt. Leon was horrified as the girl was felt and groped, being judged like a cut of beef.

"Well?" General Strahl asked. Sephiroth shrugged and pulled Jessie's clothing back into place and stood back.

"Someone'll find her appealing I _guess_ ," he said snidely and waved a dismissive hand. The General shrugged and turned to stick his face out the door and waved a couple of other soldiers into the house. Jessie was yanked off the table and outside before she could say goodbye. She didn't get to take any luggage with her. Aerith bolted out from behind the cabinets and tried to follow after them but her arm was caught by Sephiroth before she could get past him.

"Let go of me! I want to go with Jessie!" she squeaked at him and tried to pull away. Sephiroth grabbed her face by her jaw and looked her over.

"Interesting," he said, moving her around to get a good look at her. General Strahl pulled out his ever present tiny handheld computer and poked away at the screen

"Six years on that one," he said finitely. Sephiroth scowled. He was abruptly shoved to the side before he could say anything else, his hands letting go of Aerith. Cloud was there, and less than pleased. He pulled the girl away from the older boy and went to Nana's side for protection. Sephiroth made to go after the blonde but his father stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "Six years on that one too," the man said.

"Fine," Sephiroth spat and stomped out of the house. General Strahl looked down at Cloud, then back to Nana.

"So energetic," he said coldly. The woman shrugged.

"Boys will be boys," she said. He laughed.

"Very true," he agreed and opened his long trench coat to detach a sack from his belt. Its contents jingled as he handed it off to the woman and Nana took it quietly.

"Thank you."

"Oh no, thank _you_. Your service is invaluable to this country. If there's nothing else, I will see you again in the near future," he said. Nana reached down and patted Cloud's hair.

"You will," she said. General Strahl took his leave afterward. Once he was gone, Nana let out a long sigh and looked at the bag in her hands. "I hate this," she said.

"Is Jessie coming back?" Aerith interjected, looking up at the woman with wide eyes. Nana looked to her, expression crestfallen.

"Probably not, no."

"But… but why?" the girl asked, her eyes starting to water.

"Because she doesn't have a choice. Not a lot of us do, Aerith. It's just a fact we have to deal with in this country. I wish I could say something nice and pretend like it doesn't hurt, but I can't lie and fill you with false hope. You may see her again when you get older though. But she won't be coming back here."

"Will I?" Aerith asked, sniffling. Nana frowned.

"Maybe."

* * *

Barret left the next day. Aerith and Cloud planted themselves in front of the television, and Nana emptied the contents of the bag onto the kitchen table. It was full of coins. Money. A great deal of money. She spent an hour counting it and balancing her finances in a little book she kept in the kitchen drawer with the rest of the papers. It was extremely quiet otherwise, almost unnerving. Dinner was silent as was bedtime. After Nana went to sleep though, Aerith was still awake. Leon didn't know that until she suddenly appeared in Cloud's room and was poking at him to wake up. It took her fifteen minutes but eventually he stirred enough to notice her.

"Hmm?" the blonde hummed at her as he sat up and rubbed an eye.

"Can I sleep with you?" Aerith asked, her brows knit together sadly.

"Why?"

"I don't like being by myself," she said. Cloud stared at her for a minute, making the girl fidget in her spot. "Please?" she asked again. The blonde thought about it for a second before he relented and scooted over, lifting his blanket for her. She smiled and climbed in.

"Don't snore," the blonde grumped. Aerith giggled and lay against his pillow.

"I won't," she said. Cloud lay next to her with a sage nod. Neither of them tried to sleep right away and simply lay together, picking at the blanket. They were facing one another and would catch quick glances at the other before focusing on what they were doing again. It was an awkward atmosphere, even if they were only ten years old.

"Uh… thanks," the blonde muttered abruptly, looking at Aerith through pieces of his hair.

"What for?" she asked.

"I never thanked you for helping me while I was sick last week. So… thanks."

"Oh. You're welcome," she said with a smile. "Is that why you let me sleep with you?"

"Sort of. I had to pay you back somehow."

"Oh… okay," she agreed, though she didn't seem entire pleased with that answer. Cloud didn't catch her uneasiness though.

It took a while for them to sleep, but they eventually did. The next morning, Leon could hear Nana go in to check on Aerith. When she discovered the girl missing, she called for her as she went to Cloud's room. She seemed surprised when she found them together, and stood in the doorway having a mental battle with herself. She didn't know whether the scene was a good one or not or if she should break it up, but in the end she left them alone and let them wake up on their own.

And so it went. Without Jessie, Aerith was left to her own devices. She was a rather social butterfly compared to Cloud, but since he was the only one around anymore, she bombarded his personal space more than she normally did. At first, he didn't really know what to do with her but would give in to her advances easily. He'd then be forced to play with dolls or whatever other game she came up with, but without Biggs and Wedge to tease him, he didn't seem to care. He humored her a lot and sometimes she returned the favor and played whatever he wanted to.

Eleven years old was an interesting age for them both. By that time, Cloud was more social even though his interactions were limited to Aerith and Nana on most days. It was a considerable leap from the previous year regardless. It took him a while of learning how to be himself. The older boy's influence and smothering tendencies made it difficult for the blonde to accept the idea of doing the things he actually wanted to do. Leon was surprised to find that Cloud was a little outdoorsman and liked venturing off past the property line beyond the wildflowers. There was a shallow stream several yards back where he would flip over rocks and catch frogs. Aerith would follow after him and poke around on the bank and find colorful pebbles to bring home. Nana started collecting them in jars for her; she didn't collect Cloud's frogs.

Leon noticed Aerith changing a lot. Physically. Cloud was oblivious to a lot of it but at least Nana wasn't; as soon as Aerith started developing and maturing the woman encouraged them to stay in their respective bedrooms once bedtime rolled around. Up until that point it was commonplace to find them in each other's bedrooms, either in separate beds or together, since they both came to the conclusion that they didn't like being alone. Their intentions were completely innocent and they didn't understand why they were being separated but they complied since Nana was adamant.

Cloud didn't get much sleep for almost a week afterward. Leon felt bad. The blonde seemed extremely confused as he lay there by himself. He stewed in his thoughts for hours, rolling around and trying to get comfortable. After that week passed, the blonde got more nervous around Aerith. The Carrier was sure it was because Nana was so persistent in her sleeping policies but part of him knew he was in denial. He almost didn't want Cloud to grow up.

By the time they were twelve, Cloud's awkwardness was suffocating. Aerith was doing the female thing and dutifully menstruating once a month like she was supposed to and there was no denying what was happening anymore. Puberty was upon them and the innocence was slowly being sucked away. Cloud wasn't there yet, but Leon knew that he knew. The blonde watched Aerith all the time when she wasn't looking and learned to steer clear of her when she was on her cycle. In an effort to be less awkward, the blonde even went so far as to go out into the city by himself and make some other friends.

"What's the big deal? So the kid likes his friend's tits," Reno snorted as Leon sulked on the couch.

"It's not a problem… it's just…" he trailed with a deep sigh.

"Rude's already had like… four thousand girlfriends."

"Four thousand?"

"Okay, maybe it's more like two. The point is: he's growing up. He's not even a virgin anymore and I doubt Cloud will be either by the time he's shipped off to the military."

"That's the part that scares me."

"What? Losing his virginity?"

"No. The military. I don't want him to grow up because I know where he's going."

"That's understandable," Reno said, leaning against the brunette's shoulder. Leon looked to him briefly.

"Aren't you worried about Rude, though?"

"Of course I am. But no amount of worrying is going to keep him safe until I'm with him. You have to accept that he's going to get a few bumps and bruises before you can take him home."

"But I don't want him to. I want him to come in his original box with the plastic still on," Leon huffed. Reno laughed.

"It doesn't work that way."

"I know. And it sucks."

"It does. I agree," the redhead said. They returned to their respective screens and held a comfortable silence for almost twenty minutes before the brunette had another thought.

"When are you supposed to leave?" he asked hesitantly. Reno thought about it.

"Well I'm allowed to make contact when he's eighteen, but I have to get acclimated and into Midgar before then. So I'll probably leave in a couple years to work on that. Why? When do you?"

"I was just curious. I'll have to be enrolled at my school a little bit before I can make contact, but I have to time it right so that I'll be in a graduating class that'll head out towards Midgar at some point. So I'll probably have to wait until he's at least sixteen to enroll. Or something like that. Not for a few years, anyway. I'll hammer out the details eventually," Leon sighed.

"You might want to work on that."


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Leon was sincerely happy he didn't have to go through puberty. Well, he _had_ gone through it but he was asleep for most of it so it didn't really count as a milestone. But it was alright because Cloud was having enough awful experiences for the both of them. Between the sudden itchy stubble, squeaking vocal cords, and the acne in places there shouldn't be acne, the blonde spent the better part of a year floundering around with the superficial changes his body decided it needed to do. At the very least he had a couple of friends around his age and they could sit around and be awkward together, playing cards or whatever they could come up with, so he wasn't completely alone in his torture.

For some odd cosmic reason, as Cloud got older and started looking more adult, the stranger Leon felt watching him. The blonde's spindly frame filled out and grew more muscular, transitioning from a wimpy kid to a fairly sizeable man who looked to be able to handle himself. As a result, the Carrier's sense of guardianship over his Charge diminished; he felt less like he was watching over the blonde and more like he was legitimately stalking him. He knew he had to make sure Cloud was healthy, and for the sake of his project he needed to make sure that health carried into the reproductive end of things. Leon felt really uncomfortable with that.

It was difficult for him to see Cloud as a sexual being. His mind was stubbornly hanging onto the previous fourteen years of the blonde's life, where watching him was relatively sane and innocent. Suddenly he had to follow his Charge specifically to see him naked and quite possibly watch him masturbate so he could make sure everything was there and working properly. Leon hated the idea and avoided it like the plague. Seeing Cloud with a marginal amount of body hair and a couple of zits was enough indication for him that things were progressing normally.

"See, I never had this problem," Reno said one sunny afternoon after Leon explained his uneasiness. The brunette was fishing. The redhead had tagged along for moral support and was lounging on the bank of the stream comfortably. "Maybe I'm overly sexualized or something but I already had a couple jollies before we even got here just by looking at Rude's picture."

"That's a little more than I needed to know," Leon said flatly. Reno shrugged.

"Romance was my plan from the very beginning, like I've said a billion times before. I was undressing him before he was born."

"Again, _way_ more than I needed to know."

"My point is, even if you don't want to, maybe you should think about it that way. Regardless of what you may think is going to happen, the point is that you're going to spend the rest of your life tied to him somehow. Do you _really_ want to spend your entire life _alone_? Yeah you might get a family at some point but they're not going to have that same sort of connection with you, and unless you go out and see someone illegally, you're sort of stuck. This is one of the rare situations where doing what you _want_ versus what you only _need_ is probably the best choice."

"I'm not sure if I can agree."

"Why? Do you even know what you want or are you just following the motions?" Reno asked.

"Reno, stop it."

"No, tell me what you want."

"I want you to shut up."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know, but I'm done with this conversation. I've repeated myself just as many times as you have and I'm tired of it. Drop it. It's none of your business how I handle my private life anyway."

"I'm just trying to help," the redhead sighed.

"Right, by forcing your methods down my throat."

"Because yours are working so well, right? You're having an issue with taking an objective stance on Cloud's sexuality. However he handles himself is his own business but your job is to make sure that he can perform and is healthy. If you can't look at him like he's a patient to your doctor and at least _check_ then you're going to have more issues down the line since you're not prepared. For me, it's easier to get personal with someone than it is to hold them at arm's length but you need to make a decision fairly soon on how to handle things."

"I know… I just…" Leon sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"What?"

"It feels wrong. I feel like I'm violating him and I'm sure he'll feel the same way once he's aware of what we do."

"So don't tell him."

"Which is also wrong. How am I supposed to have a relationship with him like you want me to if I hide everything from him?"

"Like I want you to?"

"Yes. That's all you pester me about. I don't do anything else to warrant your incessant annoyance and I feel like the only way you're only going to leave me alone about this is if you walk in on us having sex in the kitchen."

"So… you _do_ want him?"

"Wh—n—stop!" Leon stuttered. "Why are you so concerned about my personal life any damn way?" he asked tiredly. Reno was quiet for several minutes as he thought about it.

"Because you're my friend. You may not think you need guidance, and maybe you'll be fine without it, but I want to see you happy. It sucks for me to think of you spending your life alone and wondering what could've been. I'm just giving some insight."

"Fine. I understand where you're coming from. I always have. But I would still like you to stop."

"…Okay. Sorry."

"Thank you," Leon sighed. Reno rolled onto his stomach and picked at the grass.

"Can I still know what you want, though? Without giving opinions?" he asked sheepishly. The brunette took several minutes to consider it.

"I do want someone. I don't want to be alone. If it's Cloud, then fine. If I have to risk myself to find the right one if it isn't him, then I will. I don't have any plans at this point, but it's not like I have a finite amount of years to get everything in order. Once Cloud crosses over with me, I can build a life," he said, attempting to keep most of the emotion out of his voice. He looked behind himself at the redhead. "Does that answer your question?"

"Yeah. It makes me feel better knowing that it matters to you."

"It always has. I don't want to be alone," he repeated. Reno nodded in agreement and continued pulling at the bristly blades. Leon refocused on the water. They shared a comfortable silence for more than ten minutes before the redhead got antsy and scooted onto the dock with the brunette. He pressed himself against Leon's back and wrapped his arms and legs around his midsection in a clinging full bodied hug.

"You and I can be secret lovers. It'll be fantastic. So scandalous. So taboo," he giggled. Though Reno couldn't see it, but Leon's face twisted into a disgusted scowl.

"That's disgusting."

"Why do you say that? You're cute, I'm cute, and we can be cute together."

"Number one, I don't see you like that nor do I ever want to. Number two, you've already gushed to me about your love for Rude so this whole idea just sounds terrible from the start. And number three, which probably is the most important, we're not the same species."

"So? Technically humans aren't our species either but we fuck them just fine."

"…That's not the point. At least we share a common denominator with humans. We each have at least half a human inside us, but at least when we sleep with them it isn't bestiality. It may be for them in some respects but on our side, we're clear. With Carriers we share the human side, but when we sleep together, the other halves differ and it gets a little too close to bestiality for my tastes. It would be easier to stomach if you were of my Totem but it's a forgettable positive because the bestiality is canceled out by the incest."

"That's… awful."

"Exactly. Which is why this is never going to happen nor come up in conversation again."

"I'm sort of scared by how much you've thought through that."

"I didn't. I just came up with it now. It hadn't occurred to me otherwise."

"So you're saying that you would never sleep with a Carrier even if you were human, because then it'd be bestiality in some aspects?"

"…Yes."

"Do you hate yourself for what you are?" Reno asked curiously, letting go of Leon and moving to sit next to him properly.

"I don't hate myself at all. In certain contexts, I dislike being a Carrier, yes. But I don't sit around brooding and going 'oh woe is me' so my dislike doesn't extend to the realm of 'hate' just yet. But if it gets in the way of my future goals, then I can see it happening."

"You know, for someone who sounds so lost on the extra details of life, you're very clear with your understanding of yourself."

"I think a lot. I conclude a lot. I'm all I've had to focus on personally. Me and Cloud. I'm analytical, methodical, and like to be as much of a realist as I can be and still get what I need. I know myself well enough within the limited boundaries I've been exposed to."

"Sounds a little obsessive to me, honestly," Reno said, reclining back on his hands.

"Control is important. I need to be informed so I can have a plan for when it comes time to expand my boundaries, so yes, self analysis is important. It's the stuff I haven't seen or experienced yet that muddles things up, but I have a solid base."

"You just turned what could've been a very entertaining ride through your personality into the blandest lecture I have ever heard. God damn."

"Sorry. I'm not all that creative, either."

"Clearly," Reno laughed.

"I hope you weren't serious about us, though. You weren't, right?" Leon asked, giving the redhead a suspicious glance. Reno grinned.

"Of course not. Didn't you hear? I'm already taken."

* * *

The next week was busy. It was getting closer and closer to when Reno needed to leave and he was buzzing around the inn talking to visitors and packing. There was a troupe of Shumi people that were versed on the procedures needed to help Carriers get out into the world. It mostly amounted to obtaining the things that they would need to live a normal life, such as regular clothes and minor grooming and housing amenities. They weren't very informed on societies and what was acceptable and unacceptable, but they knew how commerce worked and were able to provide Reno with the money he would use for the next few months.

Aside from helping the redhead fold his clothes and pack a little, Leon couldn't do much for him. Once he ran out of useful things to do, he let Reno have the living room and curled up in his room with his computer. His friend's words from the previous week hadn't left him and he couldn't stop thinking about them. He knew he didn't want to be alone, but he didn't know much else past that. The moral dilemmas he was having with watching Cloud conflicted with his solitary mindset and the result was a series of headaches he just couldn't shake.

Cloud seemed to be doing alright, which was a positive. When Leon settled in and started watching again, Cloud was just rolling out of bed. Half asleep and tousled, the blonde meandered down the hall to the bathroom. Leon could see a problem right away. The door wasn't completely closed but the light was on and streaming out from under it. Cloud never was a morning person though and didn't notice the issue until the door was wide open and Aerith screamed in surprise.

" _Cloud! Get out!_ " she shrieked. She had just gotten out of the shower and had been attempting to wrap her hair in a towel. She was completely naked, angry, and pink with embarrassment. Needless to say, Cloud woke up real fast after that. Aerith stomped to the door, shoved him back a few feet and slammed the door shut again. The whole exchange took less than three seconds but it was enough for the blonde to get an eyeful. Once the door was closed Cloud could breathe again. His face turned bright red and he shuffled back to his room in a stupor.

Leon took a moment to go out into the kitchen and grab himself a glass of water. When he came back and sat at his desk, he immediately inhaled the liquid into his lungs and coughed it out his nose. Cloud was… busy. Masturbating. But it wasn't so much what he was doing that was the problem. It had caught Leon off guard, but it only compounded the surprise of actually seeing the blonde's penis. Cloud was very blessed and even though his camera was still on the floor, Leon could still tell that the blonde was bigger than him; in all dimensions. But his surprise was put on hold as he started coughing. He headed out of his room and to the bathroom to catch his breath and blow his nose.

"What's wrong?" Reno asked, poking his head in the bathroom. Leon cleared his throat, wiping his nostrils with a tissue. His face was bright red from what he had seen but he hoped the redhead thought it was from choking.

"Go look," he rasped. Reno raised a brow and went into the brunette's room.

"Holy fu—horse dick!" he squaked.

"I know!" Leon barked back. He sniffed, checking to make sure his nose was clear before he went back to his room. Reno was sitting at his desk and looking far too interested in his computer screen. "You know, your perverted brain really needs to learn when it's gawking at the wrong thing," the brunette grumped. The redhead glanced at him before looking at the screen again.

"I'm fascinated," he admitted.

"In the wrong Charge."

"No—well yes. But I'm more fascinated by his face. Something's not right."

"What do you mean?" the brunette asked, going to look over Reno's shoulder.

"He looks like he's in pain."

"…Well that's not good," Leon said, leaning down to see. It was clear that Cloud wasn't happy with what he was doing. He managed to finish and his ejaculate wasn't discolored or anything that suggested to either Carrier that there was something physically wrong with him. His skin was healthy and there wasn't anything out of place so the brunette doubted there was a serious problem, but the blonde was still didn't seem much better when he was done. He wiped his fingers off on a tissue before rolling onto his stomach and smashing his face into his pillow with a deep sigh.

"Wonder what's wrong with him," Reno said.

"He walked in on Aerith getting dressed in the bathroom. Then… yeah, I guess he couldn't help himself."

"He did it on purpose?"

"I don't think so, but his first thought was to go back to his room and… relieve himself."

"Ah yes, masturbating. The root of all teenage angst. I wonder if his friends have girlfriends."

"I don't pay that much attention to them. They mostly sit around watching television, playing cards, and eating together. Most of their conversations are about what else they could plan to do. Why does it matter if they have girlfriends or not?"

"Well, if he's the only one cranking it by himself then he probably feels like a loser and that's why he's dumpy. I can't think of any other reason a guy his age would be unhappy about masturbating."

"Did Rude go through that phase?" Leon asked, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. Reno turned around in his chair to see him and shrugged.

"Not really. Then again Gongaga is a _really_ small town with not many kids to hang around with. He's by himself a lot so he doesn't get much exposure."

"But he's had girlfriends."

"Yeah because the only ones around him that are his age just happened to be girls. Had they been boys, he'd either be gay or just another one of the guys. He's sort of a loner anyway. Doesn't talk much."

"How do you know how Cloud feels then?"

"I felt like that at one point, too. And I have a lot of human cousins; they tend to be good sources of information."

"You used to feel like a loser? Why do I find that hard to believe?" Leon asked with a raised brow.

"Everyone does at some point in their lives. But mine was for the same reasons I think Cloud has. Having a bunch of successful family members hang around you with their partners really makes a guy evaluate his life and want the same thing. It's sort of the reason I strayed away and went out to find myself some action, so I could feel like I wasn't by myself."

"Was it really that torturous?"

"Yeah. It sucks. They never rubbed their relationships in my face and I don't fault them for anything, but just being around it all on a regular basis and going to bed by myself every night just drove it home for me. I met a lot of people while I was out and about, though. I had fun and spent nights away from the facility to break up the monotony."

"And the people you were with didn't care that you were a Carrier?"

"Some I didn't tell, some would talk about Carriers and I would tell them if they were positive about it, but if it didn't feel right, then I didn't say anything. When I look back on it, it sort of sounds like I had some weird STD that I didn't care if I gave away and kept it a secret to get in someone's pants."

"In a way, it _is_ like that. Keeping it a secret to get what you want," Leon said. Reno shrugged again.

"Oh well. It's not like I was hurting anyone. I never did anything without their consent."

"How did you hide it though? Someone must have seen your model number at some point."

"Nope. They were always either riding me or I was behind them for that reason specifically."

"…Thanks for that visual," Leon grumbled sarcastically and rubbed his eyes. Reno laughed.

The squeaking of Cloud's bedroom door pulled their attention back to the computer screen as the blonde headed out into the hallway. The redhead drove the little camera and followed after him. Aerith was just exiting the bathroom, dressed, and with her hair wrapped in her towel. They both stopped walking when they noticed the other and stared at one another awkwardly for a few seconds. Both of them blushed a deep crimson. By some miracle, Cloud found his voice even though it was a nervous squeaky one.

"I uh… sorry," he blurted. "I didn't realize anyone was in there." He wrung his hands a bit and folded them behind his back. They were shaking.

"Kid's scared out of his fucking mind," Reno chuckled.

"First pair of naked breasts he sees and the experience traumatized the hell out of him. I'd be scared too," Leon said, lying on his side. "He's probably waiting for her to hit him."

"…Could've knocked," Aerith muttered.

"I know. I'm sorry," Cloud deadpanned. The girl took a breath and sighed.

"It's okay," she said and hurried past him and to her room. He watched her go, opening his mouth like he was going to say something but closed it when he lost his nerve. He sighed dejectedly and headed into the bathroom. Reno snorted.

"That was a face that said 'Aerith, I would really like to go out with you so I can touch your boobies instead of just look at them by accident,'" he said. Leon rolled his eyes and pitched a pillow at the back of his head. The redhead laughed again. "Don't get jealous."

"I'm not jealous."

"Sure acting like you are."

"How do you figure? I just don't like you making inappropriate comments about my Charge."

"You keep telling yourself that," Reno teased, looking over his shoulder at the brunette and wiggling his eyebrows. Leon gave him a glare.

"Fuck off."

"You're getting testy. That's my cue to leave you alone," the redhead said with smile playing on his lips. "You brood in here with Mr. Mammoth-Dong. I have packing to do," he said and hurried out the door before Leon could assault him again. The brunette jumped up and grabbed another pillow and launched it at the redhead. It met the door as it closed and landed on the floor harmlessly. He flopped back onto his bed, glaring at the ceiling in defeat. His brain was awash with jumbled thoughts and he mashed the heels of his hands into his eyes to clear it all away.

"I'm not jealous," he repeated to himself gruffly.

* * *

A few days passed, and Reno was cleared to leave. His luggage had been moved up and out of the village into the surface dome and was waiting for his departure. Leon wasn't sure how he was transporting everything, but it really wasn't his concern. The redhead took his time leaving, though, and milled around the inn, looking for excuses to stall. Leon insisted everything was in order and after several hours, the redhead really had no choice but to get going.

"I'm going to miss you so much! You better call me," Reno cried and abruptly hugged Leon to his chest. The air was squeezed from the russet Carrier's lungs and he let out a strangled squeak. The redhead released him. Their computers had the capability of communicating with one another, but only with audio. They had found the serial numbers of the machines and synced them up so they could keep in contact, but Leon doubted how much they would actually talk.

"I will," he promised anyway. He was already feeling the loneliness settle in so he wasn't very enthusiastic. Reno frowned at his friend's blank and hollow face and patted his shoulder.

"You'll be okay," the redhead said and gave Leon a proper hug. The brunette hesitated but hugged him back tightly.

"Be safe," he said. Reno pulled back and smiled.

"I will. No worries. I'm a doof, but I'm a smart doof," he said. Leon laughed a bit.

"If you say so."

"I do. But… I guess I need to go," the redhead said. "You _will_ call, right?"

"Yeah," Leon said.

"Okay. I'll talk to you later, then," Reno said and waved. The brunette waved back and watched him leave. He didn't follow him outside but leaned over the railing to see him go out the door. Leon knew it was an inevitable part of their journey together but he couldn't help feel a little like he was abandoned. Reno gave him no indication that that was his intention, but the idea of spending a year by himself all of a sudden wasn't something he was looking forward to. He hadn't realized how much he had grown to rely on Reno's companionship. His chest hurt watching him leave.

On the other hand, Reno leaving was just another reminder of how close he was to leaving as well. He told himself it was about a year until he could go to Balamb but it was really more like ten months. He had shuffled through his paperwork and created a timeline for himself. The Elder had helped him estimate his travel time and they talked briefly of what to expect. Leon was fairly confident he could at least get there even if he was a little lost afterward. He was prepared to be socially awkward and looked at strangely when he was around the Balamb populace, and would be surprised if he didn't make an idiot of himself. But he had time to figure out what to do about that.

Cloud's awkwardness hadn't subsided since he saw Aerith in the bathroom. If anything it got worse. They didn't talk much and avoided each other for several days. After that they could stand to be in the same room together but there was no eye contact. Leon would catch Cloud watching the girl when she wasn't looking, though. Aerith would do the same thing to the blonde on occasion. For weeks the uneasy truce between them continued. It didn't seem to affect Aerith as much as it did Cloud and after a while Leon could tell that whatever was eating at his Charge was really starting to take its toll. He didn't go out as much, and he slept a lot more than he normally did; he was slowly turning into a hermit.

Surprisingly, Nana noticed Cloud's depression. She sent Aerith to the store one day and practically shoved the boy onto the couch so they could sit and talk. Cloud scooted as far away from her as possible and picked at his fingers, trying to avoid her.

"What's wrong with you two? You've been avoiding each other for weeks! I can hardly breathe when you're in a room together, the air is so tense," she said. The blonde didn't say anything right away. Nana slid across the cushions to him and nudged his shoulder. He glanced at her briefly.

"I don't want to talk about it," he said flatly.

"Well I want you to. I'm worried. You look so miserable," she said softly. She reached up and pushed pieces of his wild hair around gently. Cloud glared at the floor.

"She thinks I'm gross."

"…What? Why?"

"Like… I'm some weird pervert or something."

 _He feels guilty? But he already apologized…_ Leon thought confusedly.

"Why would she think that? Did you say something to her?" Nana persisted. Cloud's face turned pink and he looked away.

"I don't want to talk about it," he repeated. Nana let out an exasperated sigh and slouched in her seat.

"I just want to know. I may be able to help you," she said. The blonde was quiet again, stewing in his thoughts. He looked worried, almost desperate. He eventually relented and gave Nana a nervous glance.

"I accidentally walked in on her getting out of the shower," he blurted quickly. The woman stayed quiet and raised a brow at him. Cloud's face turned bright red and he pulled the neck of his shirt up to hide in it. It didn't do much to disguise him, as he was red to the tips of his ears. Leon couldn't help but smile, it was sort of cute.

"But you didn't mean to," Nana said. Cloud nodded.

"Yeah," he grumbled.

"I understand why that would make things a little strange between you two, but are you really that upset about it?" she asked. "Or did she get angry?"

"Not really. I said I was sorry and she said we were okay but…"

"But?"

"Well… after I saw her, she slammed the door in my face and I… went back to my room and…you know…" he muttered, almost incoherently. Nana thought about it for a second before it dawned on her what he meant.

"Oh. _Oh_."

"I feel like I raped her," he said. Nana let out a sigh and smiled, she was relieved. She put her arm around him and rubbed his back.

"I'm not sure you understand how rare such feelings are in this country."

"I know. I'm weird," the blonde said, pulling his knees up to his chest and stretching his shirt over his legs, effectively making a sort of turtle shell to hide in. He rested his forehead on his knees inside the fabric and pulled his arms in with him.

"It may be strange because not many people are like that but believe me when I say that's a very positive thing," Nana said. Cloud went completely still, and Leon could see the disbelief radiating out of him. "A lot of men wouldn't think twice about what you did or even feel guilty for walking in one some woman in the bathroom. The level of respect you have for Aerith it…" she hesitated, trying to find the right words. "It speaks volumes about your character. To feel guilty over something that _everyone_ does at some point in their life really tells me how much I don't have to worry about you. I don't have to feel like I failed in being a mother to you, and I don't have to be afraid that you'll go out and act like Biggs."

"I don't like Biggs."

"No one does. I wonder if he even likes himself," Nana said flatly.

"Do you feel like you failed in being a mother to him?" Cloud asked, picking his face up enough to peek over the edge of his shirt at her. Nana shrugged.

"I used to. But there comes a point where no amount of influence is going to sway someone one way or another. If the person is old enough to know what they like and they don't like, they're obviously not going to pay any attention to the things that contradict them. Biggs was a good boy until he was old enough to go out on his own and apparently he found a lifestyle that suited him better than the one I taught him to have."

"You're not a bad mom," the blonde said. Nana smiled.

"It's a relief to hear you say that. Thank you."

"But how come I don't see more people like me on the TV, then? Everyone seems to be like Biggs."

"Because people want to watch what's interesting. Nice guys are way less interesting than the bad ones. People are strange in that they're entertained by negativity, but they never want to actually live with it. You may not be like everyone on TV, but you sure as hell aren't going to have a problem finding a girlfriend who will stick with you."

"Think so?" Cloud asked, pulling his legs out of his shirt and sitting normally.

"Yep."

"Do… do you think Aerith would want to…"

"Be your girlfriend?"

"Yeah. Is that even okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Wedge and Jessie got yelled at a lot," Cloud muttered. Nana shook her head.

"I didn't have a problem with Wedge and Jessie. I had a problem with Wedge, Jessie, _and Biggs_ being together."

"…I don't even understand how that's supposed to work."

"Don't worry about it," the woman interjected with a dismissive wave. "But to answer your question, no I don't have a problem with it, and yes I think she would. But you have to go out and talk to her if you're going to get anywhere. Hiding from her is not the solution to your issue."

"Okay," the blonde said quietly, shuffling a foot on the rug. A short silence passed between them. "One more question?" he asked.

"Sure."

"What exactly is a faggot?" he asked. Leon nearly choked he snorted so loudly. He was sincerely happy no one was around to hear the noise. Nana was a little taken aback as well.

"Where did that come from?" she asked.

"I was thinking about the guys on the TV and they say it all the time, but no one says what it is, just that it's bad and you get kicked out of the military for it and lose your citizenship."

"Oh. Well, it refers to two men who… have relations like men and women do, but with each other. It's a derogatory term for homosexual men."

"Guys can have boyfriends?… _Why_? That doesn't work."

"I don't see it outside the military so I really think it's more of a matter of desperation on their part versus actual dating. It's not right in a lot of ways."

 _Fuck off, lady,_ Leon spat.

"Oh. But how do they even… there's no like… place to like—"

"Don't sweat the details, Cloud. Just take it at face value and continue on the way you are. You're normal. You don't have to worry about it."

"Yeah but now I'm confused."

"And you're allowed to be. But seriously. It's okay to drop it."

"But—"

"Drop it," Nana said firmly. The blonde shut his mouth with a huff. "Anyway, Aerith won't be back from the store for a little while yet. Want to help me get dinner started?"

"I guess?" the blonde said uneasily.

Cloud's cooking skills were less than perfect. In fact, they were downright abysmal. He cut himself way too many times while chopping the vegetables but he tried his hardest anyway. He was really more interested in eating whatever was going into the dinner versus helping Nana out, but he seemed to enjoy himself regardless. Aerith eventually came home with more ingredients for the pair in the kitchen to deal with and she set them out on the table before quickly excusing herself to go upstairs. It was a blatant tactic in avoiding Cloud as she was the one who usually helped with the cooking, but Nana didn't let the blonde dwell on the snubbing and shoved the cutting board in his hands again and insisted on his assistance.

Dinner was quiet and tense. Aerith ate quickly and practically launched herself back upstairs, leaving Cloud to deal with cleanup duty. Nana rubbed his back as he sulked and helped wash the dishes. Afterward, he flopped onto the couch on his stomach and stared blankly at the television for a while. He then went upstairs to shower and get ready for bed. Leon was sort of surprised the girl never came back downstairs. Once he was clean, Cloud milled around in the hallway being indecisive. He paced back and forth thinking. He was out there for almost a half hour before he took a deep breath and went to Aerith's door and knocked. She opened the door timidly.

"Hi…" the blonde squeaked quietly.

"Hi…" she squeaked back at him. The silence that followed was deafening. Neither of them could make eye contact and red in their faces looked painful.

"I uh…" Cloud drawled stupidly, his voice cracking. "I feel like… you hate me."

 _Oh how charming,_ Leon thought.

"I don't," Aerith said, hiding behind the door, only her face peeking out to see.

"That's good… uh…"

 _This is painful_ , Leon sighed. The length of the gaps in conversation was drawing out the moment and torturing them both. Saying five or six half sentences in the span of a minute was a good way to rack up the nervousness and lose the gumption it took to start the conversation in the first place.

"Hmm?" Aerith hummed, attempting to get the blonde to continue. Cloud looked like he was going to crumble apart at any moment. He chewed on the inside of his lip nervously.

"Never mind. Forget I said anything," he blurted quickly and hurried off back to his room in a near sprint. Leon held his face in his hands, embarrassed for his Charge.

"Wait!" Aerith called, rushing out of her room after him. She shoved her hand against his door and stopped it from closing with her foot. "I'm sorry," she said. The blonde stopped trying to shove the door closed and looked at her through what little space was left.

"Why are _you_ sorry? You didn't do anything."

"I've been avoiding you."

"That's okay. I deserved it. It's not like I wasn't doing the same thing anyway."

"Yeah, I know, but I still feel bad. I said everything was okay and then I acted like it wasn't. I don't hate you… I'm just… scared," she said, pulling her limbs away from the door and standing normally.

"You don't have to be. I don't think I'll forget to knock ever again," Cloud said. Leon almost tried reaching through the computer to slap him. Aerith's cheeks turned bright red again.

"That's not what I meant. I'm scared because…" she hesitated, shuffling her feet and looking at the floor. "I like you and I didn't know if you liked me back," she said quickly and barely above a whisper. Cloud stared at her wordlessly through the crack in the door.

"You just saved me like… two hours of feeling like a complete loser for running away," he blurted. He opened the door some more so he could lean against the frame. He rested his forehead on the wood and gave her a sideways glance. "I still feel like a loser but at least you said what I wanted to say so now I don't have to."

"You… like me?" she asked. He nodded.

"Yeah," he said, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat a few times to get it to stop. For the first time in weeks they were able to look at each other and not run screaming in the other direction. They both smiled, though they were small and unsure. "So… did you want to go out tomorrow? Together?"

"Okay," she said, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear. "What are we doing?"

"I don't know," Cloud said with a shrug. "Dancing?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

'Dancing' was a relative term. Leon had never danced in his life so he really couldn't say for sure if Cloud and Aerith were any good. Be that as it may, they were doing all the things everyone else around them were, so they had to be doing something right. Even if the 'dance' was correct, it still looked like someone had taken a baseball bat to everyone's legs, stapled a series of left feet to the pieces, and then shoved them out onto a sheet of ice. From an outsider's perspective, it was all ridiculous, but everyone seemed to enjoy the random flailing anyway, so that was the most important part.

The music was loud, the room was small, and the lights were sparse. The place was accessed through a door in between two other buildings that lead to a staircase down into a basement. Leon was suspicious of it overall, as all age groups mixed together and there wasn't anyone there that seemed to give a damn about the kids sitting at the bar in the far corner. He couldn't say for sure what was being served to them, but there was an overhang of a smoky haze that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up anyway. Cloud and Aerith weren't the ones smoking, but the other patrons dotting various seating arrangements were. Leon could tell, even at a distance, that it was Mako.

The smoking was mostly limited to a small section across the room from the bar where the eyes were glowing and there was a lot of touching. The Carrier didn't have to be there to feel uncomfortable and he caught Cloud giving the people leery eyes. Aerith didn't seem too bothered by any of it and kept the blonde distracted on the dance floor. Once she was able to do that, he couldn't keep his eyes off her. Every opportunity she gave him to touch her, he took it. Even though it was all innocent and limited mostly to her arms and hands, Leon could see how happy it made him. He had never seen his Charge smile so much before, not even when he was a baby.

 _I wonder how long he's felt like that about her,_ Leon thought.

After a few hours of alternating between dancing and sitting and talking, Cloud started slowing down. Aerith was fine, but the blonde kept wincing and rubbing his forehead. She eventually noticed and they went outside to get some air. The blonde took in a deep breath and leaned against the side of the building.

"Sorry, the smoke is giving me a massive headache," he grunted, holding his head in his hands.

"Did you want to leave?" she asked, reaching up to feel his forehead.

"No. I don't."

"I think we should. You feel warm."

"It's hot in there; I'm sure you do too."

"I don't want you to get sick, though."

"I just have a headache."

"Don't you remember getting sick before?" she asked. He scrunched his brows together, thinking.

"Not really, no."

 _Selective memory. It's okay, I sort of want to forget it happened, too_ , Leon thought.

"Well I do. I don't want you to get that sick again. Let's go," she insisted, giving him firm yet concerned eyes. The blonde stared at her for a moment before giving in. They headed out down the street together. Leon didn't think a whole lot into why Cloud didn't want to leave, but the reality was that the blonde just didn't want the day to end yet. Going out dancing was really just an excuse to be really close to Aerith without making her uncomfortable. If he had his way, he wouldn't ever take his hands off her but he was convinced that she wouldn't be okay with that. He wasn't confident he could push the boundaries to get what he wanted and still keep her around. He was afraid to come off like Biggs or the guys on the television did and if that happened, he didn't know what he would do with himself.

They made it back to the house and Aerith shoved Cloud through the door and up the stairs. The blonde's head was throbbing by the time they got back and his mood had deteriorated with it. He flopped in his bed and buried his face in his pillows, trying to quell the pain. Aerith sat next to him and ran her fingers through his hair attempting to lull him to sleep. Nana appeared in the doorway with a confused expression.

"What are you two doing home so early? I was expecting you to be out much longer," she said.

"People were smoking and it gave Cloud a headache," Aerith explained. The blonde let out a groan and pulled another pillow over the back of his head, forcing the girl to stop petting him. Nana frowned.

"Well let him sleep, then," she said. Aerith nodded and stood. Before should step away, Cloud abruptly reached out and grabbed her wrist, holding her in place. She stopped and looked to him, his face peeking out from under the pillow.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. She smiled and bent over him, moving his pillow just enough to plant a kiss on his cheek. He smiled. She left then, closing the door behind her quietly. Cloud lay still for several minutes before he toed off his shoes and pulled the blanket out from under himself. He didn't bother with the rest of his clothes at first, but after twenty minutes under the covers he decided it was too hot and discarded everything and settled again. After that, he just couldn't sleep. He rolled around trying to get comfortable, holding his head and pouting to himself. It took him over an hour to finally fall asleep, but he was awoken shortly thereafter when Aerith snuck back into his room.

"Cloud?" she whispered, crouching next to his bed and rubbing his shoulder gently.

 _What the hell? Go away. Let him sleep_ , Leon grumped at her. She persisted though, nudging him gently until he finally peeled an eye open. Once he noticed it was Aerith he startled and his eyes flew open.

"Aerith!" he squawked, pushing himself up on his elbows.

"Ssh! Nana is asleep," the girl whispered. Cloud's eyes flicked to his pants and underwear lying in a crumpled heap on the floor and then back to her. He was covered, but that wouldn't help him much if she needed him to move somewhere.

"Well… what did you need?" he asked quietly.

"I can't sleep."

"Okay…"

"Does your head still hurt?"

"Sort of," he grunted, rubbing an eye. Her expression crumpled and she sighed.

"I'm sorry, I'm being stupid," she said.

"No, you're not. I'm just not sure what I can do for you."

"I was sort of hoping you'd be willing to sit and talk," she said sheepishly. "If you don't want to, that's okay too."

"I can. But… can you hand me my pants first?" he asked. She blinked before blushing and looking to the floor.

"I didn't even notice. Sorry," she said, picking them up and handing them over. She turned around and covered her eyes. He quickly pulled the clothing on and sat up. He winced and rubbed his head when he got a little dizzy.

"Okay," he said. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure it was safe before she scooted over and sat on the bed with him. Being half asleep and in moderate pain seemed to help the blonde be far less nervous around her, and that was an observation that fascinated and pissed Leon off at the same time. He felt Cloud should be asleep, but thought it was cute he was willing to stay up and help her.

"I'm scared," she said, folding her legs under herself and picking at the seam of her pajama pants. Her hair was loose from the normally tight braid she kept it in and when her clothing didn't fully satisfy her fidgeting, she settled for raking her fingers through the ends of it.

"Of what?"

"It's really stupid…"

"You can still tell me."

"I'm scared about leaving."

"…I didn't know you were going somewhere."

"No, I mean leaving like Jessie did."

"Oh. Well we still have a couple years before that happens."

"I know, which is why it's stupid. But I think about it a lot. I don't want to go to the capitol. Or travel with the military. I keep wondering how the women here get to stay here."

"Have you asked Nana? She's been here for… forever," Cloud said, combing his fingers through his hair a few times.

"She's probably here because she can't have children."

"How does someone figure that out, though? How do they know it's not the guy's problem?"

"I don't know. I wouldn't want to have that problem, anyway. I just don't want to be passed around by a bunch of guys I don't know," she said sadly.

"I don't want that to happen either," the blonde said. She smiled some.

"Do… do you want a family some day?"

"Uh… I hadn't really thought about it before," he deadpanned.

 _Whether he does or he doesn't is irrelevant, because he's going to have one anyway_ , Leon said to himself.

"I didn't expect you to," she giggled. "You don't have to worry about it as much as I do."

"Yeah… I just have to worry about not dying."

"That'd be nice. I wonder how Barret pulls it off. He's come and gone so many times."

"I wondered about that too. I sort of think he's made of rocks and metal and things just bounce off him. It's weird that he's still around."

"Isn't he like… forty-something? That's… old," Aerith said.

 _Forty is old?_ Leon asked. It made sense though. If a great percentage of the population dies in the war or from Midgar's screwed up politics then forty might just be the oldest most people get to be. It was a sharp contrast from what the Carrier was used to, to say the least.

"Yeah it is," Cloud agreed. He rested his forehead in his hand and closed his eyes tightly. The girl scooted closer to him and rubbed his shoulder.

"I'm sorry. Go back to sleep," she said. He shook his head and looked to her.

"I'm okay."

"You're sure?" she asked, face unsure.

"Yeah," he insisted. He sat straight again and took her hand from his shoulder and held it in his own. She smiled a bit.

"I wonder why the smoke makes you sick though. I got a little lightheaded, but I was okay."

 _Dur, maybe it's because it's toxic?_ Leon mocked.

Cloud shrugged. "Guess I'm just lucky."

"Or unlucky."

"No, I think I'm pretty lucky," he said, making a point to run his thumb over the back of her hand and look her in the eye. She smiled again, cheeks turning pink. Leon rolled his eyes. "Do you feel better?" the blonde asked.

"Some, yeah," she said. She fidgeted a bit. "I'm sorry, I should let you get back to sleep."

"You apologize too much. I just wanted to know if I was helping or not. I'm not kicking you out."

"Okay… and yes, you are," she said hesitantly.

"You give me the impression you have more you want to say."

"Well… I wanted to ask if I could stay in here tonight," she said quietly. Cloud's face blanked.

"Uuh…" he drawled stupidly, his voice cracking a bit.

 _Either she has innocent intentions and I'm a dirty pervert, or she just got really bold, really fast,_ Leon said to himself, squinting at the girl suspiciously.

"I don't have to, it's okay," she amended, pulling her hand out of his and looked down at her lap in shame.

"No, I'm… okay with it just… I'm not sure Nana would be," the blonde said. Aerith chewed on a fingernail.

"True," she deadpanned. She resumed nervously running her fingers through the ends of her hair. Cloud scowled and gave her a scrutinizing eye.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked. Her pace picked up, raking her fingers through over and over again until she let out an exasperated sigh and plopped her hands in her lap with a dejected face.

"No. I'm not."

"What can I do for you, then?"

"I want a hug."

"…Why didn't you tell me that, then?" Cloud asked, holding his arms open for her. Instead of just leaning forward like any normal person would, Aerith abruptly shoved herself into his lap and clasped onto to his midsection. She buried her face in the crook of his neck. The blonde was surprised but recovered quickly and hugged her tightly. In a matter of seconds the girl broke apart and her shoulders started shaking with quiet sobs. Cloud's face flashed between the realization and confusion before settling for an unhappy crease in his brow. "Aerith…"

"I'm sorry," she squeaked before coughing out a cry. Her fingers dug into his skin a little as she clung to him. "You did help me some but…" she sniffled. "This is the first time I've said anything," another sniffle, "to anyone and… I just… I miss her so much," she huffed. Cloud let her have a couple minutes to get the tears out of her system before he shifted her around and nudged her to sit back and look at him. He held her face in between his hands and wiped at her cheeks with his thumbs. Aerith had to force herself to calm down before the uneven breaths and sniffling subsided enough to where could look at him.

"I know it sucks that she's gone, but you can't get yourself all upset over it because there's nothing we can do about it. If we had a way to bring her back, then I'd say it was okay, but at this point it's just not realistic because you'd never stop. There's no guarantee that we won't see her again. Crying and upsetting yourself isn't going to help our chances any. It's been _years_ since they left. Give yourself a break, okay?"

"I'm sorry," she squeaked at him, chin quivering. He let out a tired sigh and hugged her again.

"Stop apologizing. You're not doing anything wrong, I just want you to stop crying," he said. She took a deep shaking breath and let it out slowly. When she calmed again, she pulled away and wiped her face, sniffling lightly. Cloud gave her a weak smile. "You know what we can do?"

"What?" Aerith snuffed.

"I think, that when the time comes for us to go, we should shave your head and roll you around in the dirt so they don't know how pretty you are and won't take you," he said. The girl gave him a disgruntled face. "So then you can stay here, and I can go out and try and find her. Even… even if she's in the capitol; and I can try and bring her back here."

"Cloud?"

"Hmm?"

"That's really stupid."

"I know. But I'm _trying_ , okay?" he said with a nervous smile. "I don't really know what else I can say to make you happier. But… I really would try and find her. It isn't a definite that she went to the capitol, and she could be traveling with the guys, so it's possible."

"Yeah…"

"Either way, I want you to stop worrying. We still have a while yet, okay? We can come up with a less stupid plan in the mean time."

"Okay…" she trailed. Cloud scowled again. He flopped back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling in defeat.

"I'm not helping, am I?" he asked. Aerith chewed on her lip a few times before she crawled up and sat on his stomach. Cloud grunted under her weight and looked up at her. She leaned over and smiled at him.

"You are. You're right. I'll try to stop dwelling."

"Promise?" Cloud asked. She nodded. He smiled and patted her leg.

"How's your head?" she asked.

"It hurts," he responded. She looked down and picked at her fingers sheepishly. "If you apologize again, I'm not going to talk to you for a week," he said flatly.

"I still feel bad," she mumbled. He flicked a piece her hair around idly.

"I'm glad you came to me, though."

"Even if I woke you up?"

"Yeah. Because it lets me know that you trust me enough to think I can help."

"Oh…" she said with a small smile.

"Can you do me a favor though?"

"Sure."

"Can you get off my stomach? I sort of felt queasy even before we started talking," he grunted. She startled a bit and scooted off him quickly and sat on the edge of the bed. Cloud sat up again and leaned back against his pillows. "Thanks."

"Sor—hmm…" she tried. He smiled.

"It's okay. You're okay now?"

"Yeah. Thank you."

"Any time," he said. She scooted closer to his side and wrapped her arms around his neck. He hugged her tightly again and rested his face against hers. They pulled apart just enough to see each other. Leon could see it coming from a mile away. They each smiled, just the barest twitch of the lips before Cloud took a chance and leaned forward just enough to give her peck. When she didn't pull away from him, he gave her another, and then another. She was receptive and matched his kisses with her own and before long they were locked together, oblivious to everything else around them. Their movements were cautious, experimental. Neither of them were confident enough to dive straight in shoving their tongues down the other's throat but there was enough activity to suggest to the Carrier that they weren't that far away from figuring it out.

Leon had mixed feelings. Despite the fact that Cloud should've been sleeping and recuperating, his mind kept going back to his feelings of not wanting the blonde to grow up. He could see the innocence peeling away as the days ticked by and judging by the very obvious lump in the front of the blonde's pants, he was well on his way to adulthood. If Aerith obliged him, that is. Leon really didn't think she wouldn't, and that brought up a plethora of questions. Just much how did they know about sex? Do they know the consequences? Do they know how to play it safe? Did birth control methods even exist in Midgar?

It was all too much, and the brunette just wanted to turn back Cloud's hormonal clock just long enough to get him away from her and to where he really needed to be. The last thing the Carrier needed was for Aerith to get pregnant. If Cloud had the moral substance to feel bad about masturbating to whatever Aerith-themed fantasy he had then Leon didn't doubt how strongly he would feel about having a child. The dedication could be earth shattering and the Carrier was afraid of Cloud creating more excuses for himself to not leave. Having Aerith was more than enough already. Convincing the blonde to dump his girlfriend off on a doomed rock didn't sound very easy, let alone his girlfriend _and_ his kid. Leon wasn't even sure he would be able to live with the guilt afterward.

* * *

Having known each other for virtually their entire lives, Cloud and Aerith's dating relationship progressed quickly since all of the other formalities and 'get to know you' things were already over with. They knew what the other liked to eat, they know what the other liked to do, but the greatest amount of discovery came when they needed to come up with things to do together. Aerith was very subdued and didn't mind spending her days in the house either helping Nana or making something. She knew how to knit and liked to garden in between bouts of cooking. Cloud was more active and was either tromping around outside working on his chores or wandering around the town with his friends. Trying to find a happy medium between the two lifestyles was difficult.

The nighttime scene was perilous. They had to be very choosy with which venues they went to since pretty much everywhere allowed smoking. Cloud could handle a couple hours of secondhand exposure but much longer than that and he'd be confined to his bed for at least a day afterward. Wandering around in town after dark without anywhere to go wasn't the safest plan either, nor was walking the mountain trails behind the house. There were many occasions where they were so stuck for something to do that they'd just give up and watch television together.

A few months after Cloud's fifteenth birthday, he got a job outside of the house just to break up the monotony. Spending all day with Aerith, then expecting to be entertained by her, or her by him, in the evening was a little much. Plus, a little money in his pocket was always a bonus. He was only gone a few days out of the week and the work he did was tiresome but Leon could tell it was beneficial for him. The blonde mostly did odd jobs that anyone wanted him to do but he tended to be picked up by the older men in town who needed a young pair of arms to do some manual labor. 'Move this heavy thing from point A to point B' was routine, but every now and again he would have to get up on a ladder to hang or repair something.

Even if he wasn't being properly educated, the Carrier was thankful for Cloud's mental and physical enrichment. At the very least Leon knew he was willing to work and he wasn't just some lazy freeloading kid expecting the world to be delivered to him. Plus, it kept him in shape. The blonde was looking much healthier than he had been over the last couple years. Sun-kissed and muscular was way better than pasty white and spindly in Leon's book. If only Cloud would learn the value of a haircut. Regardless, all the positive progression did wonders for the blonde's confidence. He was breaking out of the timid little shell he had been squeezed in by childhood teasing and ridicule.

"Ew, get off me, you smell," Aerith piped as Cloud wrapped his arms around her from behind and leaned against her back. He had come home from another day of working in the sun and snuck in the house quietly, hoping for such a reaction. Aerith was at the stove, stirring an oversized pot of soup.

"But I thought you liked my smell," the blonde said, resting his face on her shoulder and giving her a squeeze.

"I like your smell when you smell like you, not when you smell like a dead fish in an old boot. Seriously. Go shower," she insisted, elbowing him in the side. He laughed, kissed the side of her neck, and let her go. He headed back into the house towards the staircase, but he stopped when he was halfway there and looked around.

"Where's Nana?" he called back to her.

"In bed."

"Again?"

"Yeah…" Aerith trailed.

"Hmm…" Cloud hummed thoughtfully. He traipsed upstairs and showered quickly, coming back downstairs in less than fifteen minutes. Aerith had disappeared into Nana's room where the woman was sitting up and eating the girl's soup, one tiny spoonful at a time. The blonde scooted onto the bed next to Aerith and gave Nana an expectant look. "What's wrong?"

"Just a chill," Nana said flatly. No one was convinced, not even Leon. This was the third 'chill' the woman had come down with in the last two months and she had been taking naps on a regular basis whereas before, there weren't any. While Cloud was out working, Aerith had started picking up Nana's slack in keeping the house together. Granted, Nana did have all the symptoms of a bad cold but Leon noticed things Cloud and Aerith didn't, simply because he knew what he was looking at.

Nana was eating less and losing weight. The Carrier had purposely watched her get dressed a few times and discovered several purple-ish blotches on her skin next to a couple of nasty bruises that weren't there the previous day. She would get winded walking up the stairs more than normal, and had mentioned that her fingers, elbows, and knees were bothering her. Some days were better than others, and Leon had only really started paying attention to her symptoms recently, but he was willing to bet she had been feeling off kilter longer than anyone knew. She wasn't one for complaining though, and aside from the occasional grunt because her joints ached, she didn't say much.

The group held a brief discussion about what Nana's problem was, and what was possibly making her sick, which was followed by the woman getting cranky at the children for being nosy. She eventually got so fed up with their nitpicking, she yelled at them both and booted Cloud out of the room. She shoved her half-eaten bowl of soup in his hands and shooed him away. The blonde grumpily dumped the dish off in the kitchen and sat at the table with a huff. Aerith had done just as much complaining as he had, so it made him and his Carrier wonder why he was singled out. Fortunately for Leon, he could sneak back in and listen.

"—and I think it's time I start teaching you a few things. If my plan works, you could stay here instead of leaving when Cloud does. Does that sound okay?" Nana asked, voice passive and warm. Aerith was still sitting on the bed with her, her brows furrowed in thought.

"But what about Cloud? What if he wants to learn too?" she asked.

 _Learning is good_ , Leon quipped.

"He doesn't have the option, I'm afraid. If there was some loophole I could exploit to keep him here, believe me when I say I'd do it in a heartbeat. But the law is clear, and he doesn't have a choice. The things I want to teach you won't benefit him where he's going."

"But… what if he's like Barret and comes back all the time?"

"There's no guarantee he'd be that way. Barry's a rare breed of soldier because he's been able to live this long. Other than that, he's no different than anyone else."

"Well what if I _want_ to follow Cloud? What if I don't want to stay here?"

"Don't be ignorant," Nana spat with a harsh scowl. "The idea that you could be happy following the military around is foolish. It's worse than the capitol. At least if you were living there, they care enough to heal you once you have a child. There's a slim chance they'd use the energy to keep you around in the field. Women are useless to them, Aerith. No one but Cloud would give a damn about you there and he'd be outnumbered by thousands. Don't think for a second you're better off following him, even if it hurts to say goodbye. If he turns out like Barret, then that's wonderful, but I can't put all my eggs in one basket and trust either of you will come back once you leave. So I'm giving you this opportunity because I want you to stay and be safe," the woman explained.

"Did you give the same opportunity to Jessie?" Aerith asked, sounding almost resentful. Nana scowled.

"No. I didn't," she said.

"Why not? She's just as capable as I am."

"Because I wasn't sick five years ago."

"You apparently only have a 'chill' so I hardly think that's reason to jump into this," Aerith said haughtily, giving the woman a glare and crossing her arms over her chest. Nana let out a dejected sigh, having been caught in her own web.

"You're right. I don't have a chill. There's more to it than that and I don't know what my problem is but it's getting worse. This is my way of having an insurance policy because I honestly don't know if I'm going to get any better," she said flatly. Aerith's expression softened and turned worrisome.

"Nana…"

"I know. But it's the reality. I want you to stay here and keep up my work so that you can be safe and happy. Who knows? Maybe Cloud will be able to come back in a few years after he leaves and you two can get married and have kids here. But for now, I need to deal with what's concrete and realistic, and you are all I have," the woman explained, pausing every line to take a breath. She coughed a few times and settled back against her pillows tiredly. "Think about it for me. I need to rest," she said.

"Okay…" Aerith said. She shuffled out of the bed and made her way back into the kitchen quietly. Cloud sat up when he saw her and she took the opportunity to sit in his lap. She settled against his chest with a sigh.

"What's up?" he asked.

"Nana wants me to take her place running the house."

"Is she going somewhere?"

"She's sick and just wants some insurance," Aerith said sadly. Cloud furrowed his brows.

"She said she just had a chill, what the hell?"

"She doesn't want us to worry."

"Well she isn't doing a very good job anymore," the blonde said grumpily. "But does that mean you don't have to leave?"

"Maybe," Aerith said flatly.

"Then that's good!"

"But I don't know if I get to stay if Nana gets better."

"Oh."

"Yeah… and I'd feel bad that something would have to happen to her in order for me stay."

"But if it was going to happen on its own, then why would that be your fault?"

"…I don't know. I just… want to stop thinking about it for now. I'll make a decision in a little bit."

"What do you mean 'make a decision'? Of course you need to do it," the blonde said. Aerith hid her face against his neck, trying to avoid the stern face that went with the stern voice.

"But what if I can follow you?" she asked quietly.

"No way. There is no way in hell I would let you follow me out there if you have an option to stay here. You'd be a target before I could stop anyone. You have to accept."

"But what if I don't see you again?"

"Then that's even more of a reason to stay here so you're not wrapped up in whatever it is that prevented me from coming back. I'm serious, Aerith," he insisted, nudging her to sit back so he could see her. She gave him timid eyes. "I'd never be able to forgive myself if you got hurt chasing after me."

"But it wouldn't be your fau—"

"Stop. Please. That's enough," he interjected. He held her face between his hands and kissed her gently. She sighed and nodded. Cloud reclined back against the chair again. "Okay, so… anything else to report?"

"Not really, no. I'll call the doctor tomorrow and see if he can come visit. Until then, there isn't much else to do aside from eat dinner."

"Okay," he agreed and patted her back, giving her the signal to get off him so they could serve themselves. Dinner was quiet and Cloud was the only one with somewhat of an appetite. Normally the blonde could eat an entire moose in one sitting so just one bowl of mostly-broth-soup was unsettling. Leon tried not to dwell and hoped the dreariness would pass quickly.

After their meal, cleaning up followed by lounging on the sofa in front of the television was the next plan. They checked in on Nana periodically as well. When it was time for bed they each went their separate ways to change. It had become a habit between them that they never stayed apart for long after dark. Sex had yet to be a part of their relationship at that point but that didn't keep the kissing and wandering hands at bay. They usually met in one of the bedrooms to do just that for an hour. Neither of them was brave enough to take the next step though, which Leon was more than okay with. However, it was only a matter of time; they were a hair's breadth away from getting there.

When they met that evening, the Carrier was tossed into a whole new realm of guilt. It had been building for a while and was steadily spilling over. He knew he couldn't give Cloud what Aerith gave him. They looked so happy together. So loving. All the work and professional fulfillment in the world couldn't replace what Cloud would lose once he crossed over. Leon didn't think he could make the blonde as happy as he was right then. Maybe in a couple years when the war bore down on him it would be easier to see the benefits but right at that moment, with Aerith wrapped around him, Leon was convinced that Cloud would never be that happy again.

After a few minutes of stewing and half heartedly watching them paw at one another, the Carrier muted their heated panting and wet kissing and decided to finally ring Reno up. Their conversation would override the audio, but the video was still running. He sent the call through and waited. And waited. And waited. And waited, during which time the teenagers in front of him were getting more and more naked. He was about to stop the feed and the call all together when Reno suddenly answered, sounding out of breath.

"Well! This is unexpected. Glad you remembered I'm still here and decided to make good on your promise," the redhead blurted, letting out a long breath afterwards.

"The hell are you doing?" Leon grumped, not entirely sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Well I _was_ fucking my neighbor from down the hall. I was trying to kick her out when you rang and 'a call from work' was a pretty good excuse to be rude and get her to leave outright."

"You're awful."

"What? This celibacy shit is for the priests. I was a good boy for almost seventeen years, thank you very much. There isn't a rule that says I have to stay that way the _entire_ time before I make contact. Just need a little relief."

"Charming. What does your neighbor feel about your philanthropy?"

"Dude. I'm in the capitol. It's like a grab bag of loose women in a lot of places. I just happen to be in an area where people actually have more than a cardboard box to live in. But that doesn't mean it's still not _insanely_ easy to get laid. She doesn't care. Neither does her live-in guy-thing."

"Guy-thing?"

"He's not her husband because they can't get married, and he's just as loose as she is so I doubt he's her boyfriend too, but he lives with her, and I hear them fuck through the very very thin walls."

"Oh."

"Anyway. Enough about me. I assume you called for a reason? You're really bad at small talk."

"I'm having a moral crisis," Leon said flatly. Cloud and Aeirth's activities had slowed but progressed to curious touching. He tried not to stare.

"Getting randy to fifteen year olds?"

"Can you not say something perverted for three minutes?"

"You're the one who asked what I was doing, don't bring previous contexts into this."

"Fine. And no, it's not that. Cloud's really happy and I'm having a problem coming to terms with taking him from it."

"Ah. I see. I was sort of thinking about that the other day. Rude's found some girl named Chelsea and he's totally stupid for her. It's sort of disgusting. Be he looks so happy. They're somewhat serious about each other so I'm a little concerned."

"Well Cloud and Aerith aren't exactly signing marriage papers just yet, but that doesn't change the impact."

"The way I look at it is, they're most likely not going to be that happy two years from now. Rude is going to have to work at some point like his timeline says he will, and I just have to wait and see if Chelsea follows or sticks around after that. Cloud is going to war. Who knows what'll happen after that? Aerith could move on for all you know."

"True…" Leon trailed.

"And if that happens, you can score yourself some rebound manipulation and have him follow you. You can't just give up before you've even tried," Reno said.

"Also true," the brunette agreed. He squinted at his screen. "Augh," he blurted and covered his eyes.

"What?"

"They're actually having sex this time. They've come real close several times but—eh—feh…" he pouted, slouching under his computer in a huff. Cloud and Aerith had stopped their activities briefly and were talking, and despite every brain cell telling him not to, Leon turned the sound for the video feed back on.

"—stings a little bit," Aerith muttered squeakily.

"Did you want to stop?" Cloud asked huskily.

"Aw, that's cute," Reno twittered. Apparently he could hear it as well.

"Shh! Shut up," Leon spat.

"No. I want this… just… be gentle with me," the girl said. Cloud laid himself on top of her and buried his face in the side of her neck and muttered something quietly that Leon couldn't make out. Aerith smiled though and rubbed his back. "I don't mind."

"It's embarrassing," the blonde grumbled. Reno started giggling.

"I think I know what he's talking about," the redhead said. Leon shushed him again. But Cloud didn't say anything else and started moving again. Aerith gripped his arms and squeezed her eyes shut; making it clear she wasn't really enjoying herself. But it didn't matter because Cloud was done in a very unimpressive five minutes. Reno burst into laughter when it was all said and done. Cloud's entire body turned bright pink in embarrassment. Leon just looked at the screen confusedly.

"That's it?" he asked in mild surprise. Reno stifled his giggles long enough to speak.

"The first time is always bad. It's like a rule," he said. The brunette sighed. "Are you really that upset?"

"Not about that," Leon muttered.

"Oh. Well what is it, then?"

"I just hope he doesn't get her pregnant."


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

Leon was preparing to leave. He still wasn't going for another few months, but the barter system used in the village was hard to maneuver if one needed things from outside. Things weren't free and everything he needed had to be paid for in work. He was grateful Cloud wasn't doing much that was new or interesting other than fucking Aerith is creative ways, so he was easily ignorable. The work wasn't overly complicated and mostly involved running errands for people, but the most rewarding work he did was for the farmers. Without Reno there to haul stuff around for them, they were more than happy to have a pair of overly strong arms to abuse.

The majority of the work was similar to what Cloud was doing in Nibelheim. 'Take this heavy thing and put it by that heavy thing, then climb up there and fix this,' was a common mantra, but Leon didn't care about those things. He found he actually liked to help them sow the seeds and tend the crops. It was relaxing. He could fall into a trance where he could do the repetitive work and think at the same time. He could sort out his thoughts and calm himself when it came to his moral dilemmas and concerns. He could do the same when he was fishing, but that wasn't enough activity to keep him awake long enough for it to benefit him any. Plus, he could work long periods and the amount he could get done really helped the other farmers feel more giving.

He sort of regretted not taking the Bead Maker's suggestion back when it said he should start a little garden for himself. The soil in the field was fascinating. The overall temperature in the village was a constant and comfortable room temperature, but when a seed was pushed into the ground and covered up, that spot would get noticeably warmer. Leon found he could come back to a spot several minutes after he planted something and sift through the soil and find the seed again. Not because the seeds were easily visible, but there would be a tiny droplet of the Lifestream trying to force its way through the kernel's shell. He watched it in a mesmerized stupor for over twenty minutes as the little glowing blob disappeared inside.

"Plants are wonderful things, aren't they?" one of the farmers asked him while leaning over his shoulder. Leon glanced back at it before nodding.

"I'm afraid plants from where I come from aren't as interesting," he noted, recovering the seed with dirt.

"No? Let me rephrase. Seeds are wonderful things."

"…Seeds make plants; I'm not sure what the difference is between your points."

"Well, seeds start out as one. You put a single seed into the ground and nurture it and you can get many with time. Plants are the ultimate form of life. They reproduce without a major sacrifice or harm to other living things. They are abused, taken for granted, stomped on, killed, and yet they keep coming back so long as the environment has enough to sustain them. Even if the mother plant dies, her seeds can continue on and start the cycle over again. It is an existence of nothing but giving. Don't you think that's wonderful?" it asked.

"It sounds nice, yes."

"Does it sound familiar?"

"I'm not sure what you mean," Leon said flatly. The Shumi crouched next to him and started digging a little hole so it could continue planting seeds while they talked.

"Well, what would you say if I told you I was envious of you and your kind?"

"Then I would say you're insane. Why would you want to live as I do? To be treated like an object instead of a life even though you're doing a job that will benefit everyone, even those who abuse you? Don't get me wrong, I like my purpose. I like what I have the potential to do. But I hate the world I'm from."

"That's exactly my point. Like a plant, you start with one. From there, you have the ability to make so many other lives over time. Millions. You're abused and mistreated but I've never heard of anyone of your kind willingly stopping before they're finished with their goal. That sort of dedication to life, in my eyes, is the ultimate existence. Even if you die, your children will have the same dedication and will move on in your stead. It is a never-ending cycle of life; a truly sinless way of living."

"Well I wouldn't say we're all sinless."

"Sin is a relative term. Humans have this uncanny ability to think their natural urges and feelings are bad in some way; envy, greed, those sorts of things. The only true sin in my eyes is harming another life. To any extent. As far as I'm aware, your kind doesn't do those things. You don't purposefully kill or harm others."

"I wouldn't agree with that either."

"Are you telling me you've gone out and took a life?"

"No but mental abuse is just as bad, if not worse than physical. I already feel terrible for taking my Charge away from his happiness and I haven't even done it yet," Leon muttered, shuffling the dirt around with his fingers.

"And if you left him here, what would his life be like, do you think?"

"I'm not sure…"

"He would most likely die. What purpose would that serve?"

"I know what can happen, but it's not a guarantee."

"Nothing is," the Shumi said, scooting further down the path to the next vacant patch of soil.

"And if I take him from here and he resents me for it, where would that leave me?"

"Do you think he's the sort of person that would resent you for taking him out of a life full of death and suffering and placing him one that emphasizes constant life and fulfillment? If that's the case then I'm not entirely sure he's the one for you."

"It all depends on how much he values the people he would leave behind."

"That is very true. Though I am of the belief that everyone is good; there is no evil, just differing perceptions of what 'good' is. I force myself to keep an open mind about every view because of that belief. If you can emphasize to him how much he would be contributing by following you, I believe he can see the benefit and let whatever grudges he holds against you slide."

"And if I can't give him what he needs to be happy in my world?"

"Then you aren't looking or trying hard enough," the Shumi said finitely.

* * *

Leon could see it coming way before it happened. He had dropped in on Cloud expecting to see him roll out of bed and was surprised to find Aerith squished in bed with him. Before that point, they had _never_ fallen asleep in the same bed after sex, and judging by the lack of clothing on them and the piles on the floor, that's exactly what had happened. He couldn't care by that stage of the game. Cloud's sex life wasn't exactly his priority now that he knew the blonde could function normally, but he couldn't help but be hopelessly amused with the scene because he knew that Nana was their alarm clock in the mornings.

As if on cue, the woman opened the door and let out a loud gasp. Aerith woke up immediately and sat up, pulling the sheet up with her and covering herself. Cloud was not as fortunate since the girl was what was mostly keeping him anchored on the mattress. Two people weren't meant to share a twin sized bed and the blonde had the misfortune of rolling out and flopping onto the floor with a heavy ' _thud_.' Needless to say he was awake after that point.

"Cloud!" Nana barked, startling him. Leon burst into laughter as the blonde hurriedly flailed around with his ankles tangled in his blanket. He eventually managed to sit up and yank a pillow off the bed to cover his lap with. Both he and Aerith wore the brightest shade of pink the Carrier had ever seen. Then both stared at the floor in shame, expecting Nana to verbally tear them to pieces. The woman took a deep wheezing breath, her energy to deal with the situation quickly draining. "Aerith get dressed and come with me," she said quietly.

"Nana… I…" Cloud tried to defend.

"It's fine. You two have done nothing wrong," Nana said. Aerith scooted out of the bed and quickly pulled on her sun dress from the previous day and scooped up her other clothes. She hurried out of the room, casting a glance back at Cloud before following Nana down the hall. The blonde took a deep breath in relief and ran his fingers through his hair.

Aerith and Nana came back to the house a couple hours later. Cloud was showered and dressed by that point and was attempting to make himself breakfast. His cooking ability had improved, but only slightly. Nana didn't say anything and shuffled past him and farther into the house and back to her bed. She was frail and obviously very very sick. Aerith hugged Cloud from behind and rested her face between his shoulder blades. She had a bag dangling from her arm. It was at that point the blonde realized the coast was clear. He turned around and hugged her back.

"What did Nana do?" he asked quietly. She looked up at him, resting her chin on his chest.

"She um… she took me to the doctor and made me take a pill. Then we went to the store and…" she trailed, pulling away from him so she could stick a hand in her bag. She pulled out a box and pressed it into his chest. "She got us these," she finished. Leon nearly started crying.

 _Condoms. Nana, you beautiful woman. Marry me,_ he cheered. To his knowledge, Cloud had never seen a condom in his life but the blonde seemed to know what they were so that was comforting. The Carrier only hoped he knew how to wear one properly. He also wondered if they were normal size, and if they were, would they even fit him? That would've been a strange conversation to hear; if Nana had asked Aerith how big Cloud was.

"Oh. Well that's awkward," the blonde muttered and reached behind himself and set the box on the countertop. Aerith giggled.

"A little. That was the only bad part about it. I'm really glad she didn't get mad."

"Yeah. With how she yelled at me it made me feel like I had purposefully tricked you into something bad."

"No…" the girl said, hugging him again.

"Did she tell you what the pill was for?"

"Just to make sure I don't get pregnant," Aerith said quietly.

"I didn't know they made pills for that," Cloud said curiously, scrunching his brows together. Aerith shrugged.

"Nana says she can't afford to take care of children that the government doesn't know she has. Whatever that means. So… I guess we have to be more careful."

"I'm okay with that," the blonde agreed and rubbed her back.

"Yeah."

* * *

Nana's health was deteriorating quickly. In less than a year she was confined to her bed for the majority of her time. She hardly ate, she rarely slept more than a few hours at a time, and she vomited at least twice a day. Cloud and Aerith's relationship strengthened during that time, as they had to depend on one another to keep the house in order, but their physical activities together slowed considerably. Every now and again they would have sex but most of the time their contact was that of comfort. Hugging, cuddling, a quick smooch and hand holding was a constant. It eventually got to the point where they were around each other so much that they hardly talked. They could have entire wordless conversations by just looking at one another.

Aside from their relationship status and Nana's health, the only new development in the house was Aerith's education. It was slow goings in the beginning but once she got the hang of it, she was able to read with relative ease and do the basic math Nana used to balance the house's finances. There weren't that many books in the house, but what few novels there were, she would read to Cloud. The blonde would listen with a small smile and his eyes ghosting between envy and pride. Leon didn't understand why Nana didn't just teach Cloud while she was teaching Aerith. The ability to read may have been a push in the right direction to keep the blonde out of the battlefield. A desk job sounded a lot better than killing people.

The Carrier would never figure it out, either. Two weeks before Cloud's sixteenth birthday Nana passed away. Leon was sure she had cancer. All of her symptoms pointed towards that conclusion, but an explanation didn't make him feel any better. Aerith fell apart when she found the woman. Cloud was left to pick up the pieces. One of the men the blonde had done work for was a lawyer of some sort. All Leon knew was that he worked in the town hall and handled a lot of paperwork. He ended up taking care of what needed to happen with Nana and arranging the legal things Cloud and Aerith would need if they wanted to stay in the house.

According to the lawyer, Nana's legal occupation was as an agent for the government. Babies born in the capital were documented when they were born and removed from the city in order to keep the focus on population control. They were taken to foster facilities to be raised and kept under watch so that the government could come back in sixteen years or so and pick up their soldiers or take the girls back to the capitol to start the process all over again. But only babies born in the capitol were submitted to such treatment. That was why there were children in Nibelheim; because they were allowed to stay there. As far as Leon could figure, there was still a draft, so soldiers were still taken from the outlying cities but no one was documented there so what the government found was what they got.

Aerith's role in all of that was to take over Nana's position. She would be given immunity even though she was born in the capitol and wouldn't have to leave Nibelheim unless she forfeited her job. The government would pay her for the children she kept but it was up to her to keep in contact with them to keep the money coming in. Nana's sudden decline in health was part of the reason no new children had been brought in since Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge were taken as she probably didn't feel well enough to chase after infants and toddlers. Aerith couldn't receive money on herself, but she could still collect on Cloud since he technically wasn't an adult. Leon _really_ didn't want to think of the technicalities behind that one. With Nana gone and Aerith taking over and collecting money on the blonde, it was like she was suddenly Cloud's mother. Of course, they didn't see it that way. Which was fine.

Nana, like most of Nibelheim's citizens, was buried in a small cemetery in the mountain's foothills. It was a small service consisting of Nana's few friends and Cloud and Aerith. Afterwards, the couple went home to a silent and suddenly enormous house and grieved together. There were a lot of tears, all from the girl. The lack of emotion from Cloud was unsettling. He didn't cry, he didn't frown, and he hardly even said anything. He was receptive to Aerith though and let her have whatever part of him she wanted to cry on.

Cloud's sixteenth birthday was a few days later. They didn't bother celebrating anything until a couple weeks after that though. Leon was insanely busy trying to get ready to leave so he couldn't pay attention as much as he would have liked, but he didn't feel he was missing much. There were periods of residual sadness followed by periods of happiness and romance. Nothing new and exciting was happening in his opinion, but he did keep an ear open for any phone calls Aerith was sure to receive. It was only a matter of time before the government came to claim his Charge. Calls to Reno were frequent as Leon needed help managing his anxiety.

"Got your money?" the redhead questioned.

"Yes," Leon responded.

"Toothbrush, hair brush, clothes, soap and junk?"

"Yes."

"Change code?"

"Always."

"Extra cameras?"

"Yes."

"Paperwork?"

"Yes."

"Do you even know what to do with your paperwork?" Reno asked.

"No idea. But, I'm sure I can figure it out when I get there. They'll probably ask for something specific and I can just hand it over. It's their problem at that point."

"Very true," the redhead agreed.

"I have citizenship for Balamb and some place called Esthar, and then I have some other papers about the school."

"Esthar? Really?"

"Where is that?" Leon asked.

"Well let me ask you this, how old does your paperwork say you are?"

"Well, right now I guess I'm technically sixteen but by the time I get there, I'll be seventeen."

"…That sounds really weird to me," Reno grunted.

"I know, right? But why does it matter?"

"Because Esthar has been neutral in the war since… forever as far as I can tell. But there's been a recent influx of emigrants from there recently. You'll have to come up with a story as to why you left. They're way into Balamb's territory so they've been safe for a long time but supposedly they're locked up pretty tight."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They're a really technology-forward country. They're the most advanced in the world, or so I hear. I'm talking like… our level of technology and beyond. They have a lot of secrets that their government doesn't let anyone know about. I'm surprised the Technicians would think it's a good idea to make it sound like you're involved with them simply because… well, why would anyone leave?"

"I don't know. Maybe if I slip up and say something that's way over people's heads they'll just chock it up to me being the weird kid from the fancy city across the pond," Leon said.

"That's a good point."

"How did you even figure all this out?"

"Went to the library," Reno said simply. "I have a pile of books that almost touches my ceiling. It's awesome."

"Midgar has a library?"

"Yeah, but you have to pay to get in. And since hardly anyone has a job in this city…"

"Only the educated and employed people get to go in."

"Exactly."

"It's not like anyone can read, anyway," Leon muttered, running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah. They don't know what they're missing," Reno agreed. "Unfortunately this country is still a bunch of bigoted dicks so all the information I could find on Balamb was all negative propaganda."

"Of course."

"Anyway, it can't be any worse than here."

"Not enjoying the loose women anymore?"

"Eh, I get it when I need it, but it's not my main priority."

"That's comforting to hear."

"You have so little faith in me, you know that?"

"I have faith in your ability and determination to do what's important, but anything beyond that, I just don't understand."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't feel guilty?"

"For getting laid?" Reno asked, the confusion evident in his voice.

"Well… yeah. I thought you loved Rude and were ready to be committed to him."

"I do, and I am. But he's not exactly waiting for me just yet so why should I do the same? If I wasn't a Carrier, and I happened to meet him like any normal person would, why would I feel guilty for all the relationships I've had before? Just because I know he exists before he knows I exist doesn't mean anything until we meet and make a connection. If he gets angry at me for not saving myself for him then we're going to have to somehow get past that, but I don't see that happening."

"Still…"

" _What_ is your problem? You're so weird about relationships and personal stuff," Reno grumped, sounding offended. Leon pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on them.

"I'm… not sure."

"You have so much judgment to pass on me, and you tell me about it so often it makes me feel like you're just deflecting things away from yourself."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I just want you to stop getting angry at me for talking about what I do and how I handle my life."

"I'm sorry," Leon said flatly. He let out a tiny sigh.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," he lied. He didn't know what his problem was. He just felt… down.

"You don't sound like it."

"I'm fine."

"I don't believe you."

"Then… I'm sorry?"

"You're really going to be like this?" Reno asked with a sigh.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Leon said. Another lie. The redhead let out an exasperated huff.

"Fine. Fine. Whatever you say. When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow morning. Early."

"Excited?"

"Scared out of my mind," Leon grumbled.

"Aw. That's sort of cute."

"Shut up."

"But you'll be able to go out and do stuff. And like… be _normal_."

"I suppose," Leon said. Reno sighed again.

"I really wish I could see you so I can gauge what you're actually feeling. And give you hugs."

"I'm okay, Reno. Seriously."

"If you say so…"

* * *

Leon's nervousness hadn't dissipated by the next day. Quite the contrary, he felt sick. He lay in his bed and watched Cloud be boring for a couple hours just to see if he could calm down. It didn't help much. In fact, he was so distracted with his anxiety that he got sloppy with his camera maneuvering. The blonde actually found the bug and picked it up. He gave it a disgruntled look before taking it outside and flicking it a few feet away. It landed in the dirt and Leon was able to scoot back inside and resume where he had left off. He was happy his Charge didn't crush him.

Regardless, it was only a matter of time before he had to focus. He was packed and the bags were out in the living area waiting for him to get cleaned up and presentable for the day. When he went to recheck his supplies, he noticed a package on the couch that he didn't recognize. Curious, he opened it and found it was clothing. Thick clothing. He was suddenly reminded he was going out into the snow again and was immediately thankful the Shumi people had the foresight to help him not be stupid. Granted they had only given him a jacket and pants, but it was more than what he thought up. He ducked into his room to change.

Having worn such loose fitting clothes for so long, Leon was a little surprised by how snug the pants felt. His legs actually had a discernable shape to them instead of looking like amorphous swaths of colorful fabric. They felt sort of like leather, but he doubted they actually were. The jacket was though; the neck of which was lined with a fluffy mantle of feathers. It wasn't nearly long enough for his tastes but he couldn't deny that it was warm even if half his trunk was only covered by his t-shirt. He found a pair of leather gloves in the pocket; the insides of which were incredibly soft. The boots he had worn so many years prior to follow the Bead Maker to the hot spring had since landed in his armoire and collected dust. They were one of the few things that were recovered with him during the incident. He took them to the bathroom to wash the dust off and slid them on afterward. He went back to his room and looked himself over in his mirror.

 _That's a lot of black_ … he thought, twisting around and looking at himself. Then again, black absorbed sunlight. What little there was outside during the blizzard would be to his benefit if his clothing could drag in its warmth. During his inspection, he remembered his teeth weren't exactly normal; canines a little too long, too pointy. He didn't know how he would explain them to anyone who asked. The same applied to his scars. God forbid anyone saw him without a shirt on. He couldn't begin to come up with a reason for them that didn't hurt to think about.

He stopped himself before he could drag his self esteem through the mud anymore. He took another quick look through of his room before taking his computer and tucking it under his arm. He headed out into the living area again and to his luggage. There wasn't much. Bare essentials crammed into two relatively small suitcases were all he needed. He would worry about excess clothing once he was able to get to a store. For now, a couple day's worth was more than enough. After rechecking his things for what felt like the millionth time, he milled around the inn cleaning up whatever he could find that he felt would inconvenience the Shumi people. It was almost an hour after that that his guide showed up to retrieve him. The guide was the same one that had welcomed him and Reno into the village so long ago.

"Ready?" it asked kindly with a smile. Leon took a deep breath and nodded.

"As much as I can be I think," he said.

And with that, they left. They headed through the village, passing by many people who wished him luck and called their goodbyes behind him. All was normal, if a little nerve wracking. The elevator ride to the surface was quiet. When they reached the top, Leon was surprised to find three giant birds with saddles and harnesses' calmly wandering around the dome like it was commonplace. The guide took his bags without prompting and fastened them to one of the birds. Leon was more fascinated by the beasts themselves. They were bright yellow, taller than he was, and looked to be a cross between a giant chicken and a parrot.

"Chocobos," he blurted when the name came to him. _But they look like something I can eat_ , he told himself, remembering Zack's instruction against it. The guide smiled.

"Yes. Very good. One is for carrying your things, one is for me, and one is for you. This one specifically," it said, taking the lead of one of the birds and pulled it towards him. The animal cocked its head and stared at him with one massive glassy eye. Leon stared back at it with a raised brow. The Shumi handed him the lead.

"Uh, okay," the Carried said dumbly.

"Unless of course you'd rather walk through the snow yourself."

"No thanks. I'm fine," he said quickly. The guide chuckled.

"Anyway. This is Binky. You two will be companions all the way to your destination."

"…Binky."

"Yes."

" _Fantastic_ ," Leon sighed. He just couldn't escape the names. At the very least the chocobo was a domesticated animal so it had an excuse to have a doofy name. It was socially acceptable. But it didn't exactly make him feel like the manliest being around. "Can it learn a different name?" he asked blandly.

"Retraining what is already trained is rather difficult. So… I won't say it's impossible but it wouldn't be worth the effort."

"Right," Leon sighed again. Binky turned the other cheek and twittered at him, making a sound like a mix between a quail and a dove coo. He gave it a lopsided half-assed smirk and reached forward to touch its neck. Its feathers were extremely soft and flexible which surprised him. The Shumi gave him a tiny smile and went to its own bird. It clucked its tongue quickly a couple times and the animal lowered itself to the floor. It lifted its wings outward so the Shumi could sit on the saddle comfortably. The guide then clucked its tongue again and the bird stood, folding its wings back over the Shumi's legs. Leon watched and tried to imitate. He managed to get on the chocobo but staying steady on it once it stood was another story.

"You need to hold still if you want to get anywhere," the guide said. Leon scowled, teetering on his saddle a bit.

"I'm attempting to," he grunted. "I've never actually done this before."

After a few minutes, he steadied enough for them to get going. There wasn't a complicated science to riding the bird, as he quickly found out. Pull right to go right, pull left to go left, pull back to stop, and kick a little to go. The chocobo that carried his things was tethered to Binky and the three of them meandered outside and into the cold. Surprisingly, it wasn't as windy as Leon had anticipated. That didn't change the fact that it was below freezing out, but the lack of a wind chill was certainly a blessing. His guide was dressed for the weather and didn't seem bothered. The Carrier's face was a little cold but his new clothing was proving to be an adequate deterrent to the biting temperature.

According to the guide, they would be at their destination in a few hours if they kept up a steady pace. Trabia was the closest city even though it was technically on an entirely separate land mass. The island the Shumi Village was on was actually fairly large, but the village's proximity to the shoreline made travel much less complicated. They were also part of a major ice cap and the small gap between the Shumi's island and Trabia's island was one solid block of ice they could conveniently walk across.

Leon was a little paranoid. He kept a leery eye out for any horrendous beasts that could rush out from nowhere and chew him into pulp. His guide didn't seem to care about any potential danger. The Carrier couldn't understand why, though. There were lots of rocks and hills of snow for things to hide behind, but though his anxiety was justified he was fully aware that he was overreacting. It also didn't help that looking around for anything and everything that moved tended to make the minutes drag on for decades. Regardless, after hours of walking, they made it to Trabia without incident. The guide hesitated outside the city's gates.

"This is where we will part ways," it said calmly. It stuck a hand in its pocket and retrieved a folded piece of paper and handed it off to Leon.

"You're not coming with me?" the Carrier asked nervously. The Shumi shook its head.

"I am not permitted to mingle with the rest of the world. I work too closely with the Elder and there are more dangers in the human world than there are in nature. If something was to happen to me, it would compromise the Elder's stability. We have people who are versed in human ways enough for commerce to happen, but they are few. I wish you luck. Remember what we have taught you, and you will be fine," it said. Leon nodded deftly.

 _What exactly did you teach me, again?_ He wondered. The guide took its leave, and the Carrier watched it go until he couldn't see it anymore. Once he was alone, his anxiety with nature dissipated and was replaced by a sudden and severe social anxiety. He had never interacted with normal non-Carrier related people before. He unfolded the paper the guide had given him, with the hope that it was filled with words of encouragement or something that could make him feel less like a child. But it didn't. It was a list of ports that he would need to find to meander his way from Trabia to Balamb with an annotation at the bottom that told him he would need to figure out the boating schedules himself. It was only a mild comfort that he had a vague idea of where he was going.

It was dusk, almost completely dark, but Leon could see that Trabia was a lot like Nibelheim. It was small, rural, and technologically stunted as far as he could tell. The lighting in the cobbled streets was sparse and soft. It was quiet. There were very few people milling around in the streets as he, Binky, and his nameless pack-chocobo meandered around, trying to find a point of reference. It wasn't long before he found a building that looked like an inn with a stable next to it where there were two other chocobos standing around. It was right inside the gate, even.

He didn't know what else to do, so he hoped it was alright if he just tied the birds into one of the stalls and headed inside. It was a very small inn; maybe three rooms. It was all wood with homey decorations, drafty windows, and creaky floors. The entryway dumped out directly in front of the check-in desk where there was no one to greet him. But there was a bell and he rang it. A door to his right popped open and an elderly man shuffled out to see him. He stood behind the counter and gave him a wrinkly smile.

"Judging by the look on your face, you are one _very_ lost young man," he chuckled. Leon gave him a weary smile.

"You could say that," he said. The man nodded and stooped to dig behind his counter. He retrieved a book and plopped it on the surface and flipped to a page with the next available line for Leon to sign in. The Carrier was alright with the ' _Squall_ ' part of his pseudonym but he hesitated as he tried to remember what the hell his last name was supposed to be. He got it after a few seconds, cursing himself for being so forgetful. Once he was signed in, the man took his book back.

"Fifty a night, ten for each chocobo you have."

"…Oh. Right. Um… One second," the Carrier blurted awkwardly and hurried his way back out into the cold for his bags. He dragged them inside and shuffled through the pockets to find the pouch of coins the Shumi people had given him. He then realized he hadn't even looked at the money before, let alone did he know what their values were. He hesitated and gave the man behind the counter a nervous glance as he stupidly picked through then, trying to figure it out.

"You're not from around here, are you?" the man asked curiously.

"Not even close," Leon said.

"Midgar?"

"Esthar."

"Ah, yeah, that would explain a few things," the man chuckled. "What are you doing all the way up here?"

"That's a very good question," Leon said. The man laughed.

"Fair enough." He rounded the counter and shuffled to the Carrier's side and pulled Leon's hands down so he could see inside the pouch. He stuck a hand in it and pulled out a couple coins and showed them to the Carrier. One was a fifty piece and the other was a twenty piece. He pocketed them after Leon nodded his understanding. He then shuffled back behind the counter and retrieved a key and set it out for him. "You're upstairs, the last door on the right. I'll feed your birds in the morning for you."

"Thank you," Leon said, tucking his pouch into his bag. The man gave him a warm smile before padding back to the door he had appeared from.

"Sleep well," he said before disappearing again. Leon heaved a heavy sigh when he was alone again. He took his key and went upstairs to his room. It was furnished with the bare essentials. A plain bed, a couple lamps and tables, and a dresser. He had a bathroom though. He set his bags aside and went to the bed and sat to take off his shoes. Afterwards, he flopped backwards and stared at the ceiling, trying to process how he was going to handle his journey.

He felt utterly unprepared, despite having all the material things he needed. His confidence level was in a ditch and his anxiety was making his rationality hard to keep intact. That, and now he really was alone. No more Shumi to socialize with. He could technically still call Reno, but a conversation wasn't the same if it wasn't face-to-face. He hated it and considered seeing if he could find someone to travel with him for a while. But the fear of making deep friendships that he would have to break when he left kept him from making a serious plan. His cyclical mentality of self-pity was debilitating, even though he was completely aware of how childish he was being. He sighed, rolling onto his side and pulling his legs onto the bed with him. He pulled a pillow to himself and hugged it tightly.

 _If only this was someone I could talk to_ , he thought, burying his face in the cottony fluff.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Um…Cloud? What are you doing?"

"Taking a shower."

"No… _I'm_ taking a shower."

"Right. We're taking a shower," the blonde said cheekily and flung the shower curtain out of the way and deposited himself in the tiny stall with Aerith. The girl let out a squeal and started laughing, forcing Leon to sigh, roll his eyes, and move his camera out of the bathroom and back into the hall. He was just about fed up with the pair's random spurts of sex and general nudity. He had seen enough of Cloud to last him a lifetime and more than he ever wanted to see of Aerith. He stopped the feed and closed his computer.

The inn's bathroom had an oversized claw foot tub that had been begging to be soaked in. After waking up and realizing there was a blizzard outside, Leon decided to take the tub up on its offer and had spent the better part of the morning up to his chin in warm water. Aside from being hungry, the experience was relaxing. The toilet (seat closed of course) served as a good table to set his computer on, but Cloud had already proved to be predictable and boring so watching was a moot point. Once his bath water ran cold and his skin resembled raisins, he wandered back into his bedroom and flopped back into his bed. There was a knock on his door shortly thereafter. He scrambled around for a few minutes trying to find his pants and shirt before fumbling to the door. It was the elderly innkeeper. He wore a wrinkly placid smile.

"Nice weather today isn't it?" he asked. Leon blinked and raised a brow. He looked behind himself back into the room and out its solitary window. The view was nothing but white.

"If you say so?" he said questioningly. The man laughed.

"I was joking. You'll probably be here for another night, but since you can't avoid it I won't charge you."

"Oh. Thank you," Leon said and gave him a small smile.

"Also, the missus wants you to come down for dinner. You probably haven't had anything to eat, have you?"

"No. I haven't," the Carrier said. The old man waved at him to follow and padded down the hallway. Leon closed his door behind him and they headed down into the innkeeper's living quarters. They weren't all that big, as he expected, but the sheer amount of clutter stuffed into every nook and cranny was astounding. Mementos, pictures, knick knacks, books, everything anyone could think of was placed precariously on wall after wall of built-in shelving units. There was a tiny television in front of the equally as small seating area but aside from that and a lamp, there wasn't much furniture in the main living area. That room bled into the equally as cluttered and homey dining area which was next to the open kitchen. There were two doors on the far wall, of which Leon assumed was a bathroom and possibly a bedroom. There was a woman in the kitchen that was just as old and wrinkly as the man. But at the woman's feet was the most important detail of the entire house.

There was a cat; a recognizable, domesticated, tawny tabby cat. It was young, possibly even still a kitten, and Leon's innards seized as soon as he noticed it. He had the insatiable urge to tackle it into the ground, smoosh his face into its fur, and snuggle it into oblivion. He didn't, but the desire to do so nagged him. He was aware of cats as pets; he just never thought he would find one, let alone one on Plane 087. He had always thought the frogs in the Shumi village and the mildly recognizable fish in the streams were flukes and that the normalcy stopped there. He was happy he was wrong. He hadn't noticed his tenseness before that moment, but he felt relieved by the revelation.

Dinner didn't consist of Leon's normal dietary fare. It was mostly vegetables with a tiny puck of some indiscernible meat. None of it tasted bad, but he was dreading the digestive upset all the foliage was sure to give him. Any personal talk that was directed at him during the meal was deflected. He still hadn't figured out what his story was going to be, why he left Esthar supposedly, or what his past was like. The innkeeper and his wife were more than accommodating and didn't pester him for answers to their probing questions. After the meal, he helped the woman clean up and took his leave after heaving his thanks on them. It was a nice distraction from the humdrum day and waiting for the weather to pass. He didn't really want to leave but his stomach was bothering him.

He spent the next hour alternating between the toilet and his bed. He was drained by the time he felt better and the snow had slowed. He slept for a while after that. He was awoken by something picking at the veneer on his door. Half asleep and feeling like he had been hit by a bus, he flopped out of bed and trudged to the door. He opened it and no one was there. He felt something breeze past his ankle and looked down. Nothing was there. He then looked behind himself and there was the innkeeper's cat sitting on his bed expectantly. He left the door unlatched and went to lie back down.

The cat was in his face in an instant, purring and meowing at him for attention. It was dark outside, and Leon knew he should be sleeping, but the animal apparently didn't think so. He couldn't help but oblige it and scratch behind its ear a little. From that point on, it was all downhill. Petting led to playfully pushing it around and letting it whack at his hands. Playing lead back to petting, which led to picking it up and cuddling, which led to lying back down and the cat curling up on his chest to sleep. He didn't understand why the cat was suddenly so attached to him, but he didn't want to jinx himself and make it leave. He hoped his future cubs would be like the cat was; loving him simply because he was himself and he was there. Unconditional love sounded nice in any context, really.

* * *

Trabia was a nice place to visit, but Leon _really_ didn't want to live there. The next day's weather was much better and he was happy to find that there was a ferry leaving from the port that afternoon that would take him to the next one he needed to go to. At the docks, he picked up just about every pamphlet he could find that looked remotely helpful. Sifting through all the information took a while, but he found a generalized idea of where he was going after a bit of searching. Maps with actual words and locations were wonderful things.

After finding himself something he could actually eat, saying goodbye to the innkeeper and his wife and their cuddly kitty, packing his things, and tugging Binky and his pack-chocobo with him to the docks, he was finally able to board. The city itself wasn't that big of a place so the boat was fairly empty save for a few people. There was only one other person with a lot of luggage and two chocobos with her, though. He noticed her when he went into the on board pseudo-stable area to tether his birds in place. She was sort of hard to miss even though she was hardly over five feet tall, as she was humming loudly to herself. Leon tried to ignore her and go about his business but she decided to make acquaintances before he could leave.

"Hi!" she squeaked at him, startling him some with the decibels. He was forced to turn around and face her. Her hair was fascinating, cascading down her head flatly before the ends swooped upward into enormous bowl-shaped curls. It was like her entire head was a miniature walnut-colored ski jump. The physics behind it confused him to no end and he wondered how many tubs of hair gel she must go through on a weekly basis to get it to stay that way. She was dressed for the weather, but just barely. It was clear she had on a short yellow sundress under her puffy coat but her legs were bare between the dress's bottom hem and the tops of her tall brown boots. She was all smiles as she hurried to him and invaded his personal space, standing on tiptoes and shoving her face in his with a wide grin.

"Hi," Leon said flatly, leaning away from her.

"Which way are you headed, stranger? It's not often I see anyone leave here with so much luggage," she asked.

"Balamb," he deadpanned, hoping to end the conversation quickly. The girl's jade eyes lit up and she gasped.

"Me too! I'm heading off to go to school there!"

"So am I."

"No way! Balamb Garden?"

"…Yes," he said hesitantly, silently regretting the decision to do so.

"Oh my gosh! You're kidding!" she squealed. She quickly stuck out her hand for a shake. "My name's Selphie. What's yours?" she asked. Leon stared at her for a second, wondering if she was going to explode in a torrent of glitter and sprinkles. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted anything to do with the girl. She was already proving to be overbearing and distracting. But in an effort to not be rude, he shook her hand.

"Squall," he said begrudgingly. Selphie gave him a beaming smile.

"Awesome. Where are you from? Trabia's awful small so I don't recognize you."

"Esthar."

"Sweet!" Selphie squealed happily. Leon startled and took a step back.

 _This girl is on something_ , he told himself. Selphie still had a hold of his hand and she shook his arm excitedly.

"You have to tell me about it! I've always wanted to go there," she demanded. Leon scowled and pried his fingers from her hand.

"I would rather not," he muttered.

"Oh? Why not?" she asked, the disappointment in her voice blatant.

"I just… don't. Please drop it," he said, hoping to give her the impression it was some personal tragedy that forced him to leave home. He'd hammer out the details when he could hear himself think again. She frowned.

"Okay. Maybe later?" she asked. Leon shrugged.

"Maybe," he said.

"Fair enough. Have you decided on a specialty?"

"Uh… no. I wasn't aware I needed to."

"You don't, but it helps if you have an idea of what you want to do. You can try that out right away and if you like it, you can get started faster. Though a physical assessment is usually the best way of deciding just so you know what you can handle," she explained.

"Oh."

"Don't be nervous," she said. Leon raised a brow.

"I wasn't aware I was."

"You look lost."

"Nervous and confused are two different things."

"I suppose. But they go hand in hand. It'll be okay though. You have me!" she blurted with a smile.

"Goody," Leon deadpanned. Selphie's smile faltered a bit before she gave a nervous giggle and took his arm again and pulled him out of the stable and onto the deck. The Carrier didn't wrench away from her, though he didn't necessarily want to go out there. The stable was much warmer, even if it was musty with bird dander.

Selphie pulled him over to another tiny building so they could sit and chat. And by 'chat' it was implied that Leon was relatively silent as the girl jabbered on about herself and her story. There wasn't much to say overall, and the details were muddled between inside jokes she had between her and her friends that the Carrier would never understand. From what he could gather, though, Selphie's parents were killed in another city when Midgar invaded and she was sent to live with relatives in Trabia. Trabia used to have a Garden of its own before the city's economy was squeezed to a trickle because Balamb had to cut their foreign financial assistance in order to keep itself afloat. The two nations were still close allies though, and as a result of Balamb withdrawing its funding, all of Trabia's students wanting to attend the Garden get to go to Balamb's for free as a sort of proverbial olive branch between them. Most of the students from Trabia went into the war on Balamb's side anyway, so the only thing that really changed was the proximity of the education.

Balamb understood the importance of having educated people behind its forces. The people had options once they were finished with their primary education and had graduated. One could go to college for a societal specialty, or one could go to a Garden to work for the military. The only other option other than that was to sit and do nothing, but people who went without a job or education in Balamb didn't get government assistance. Period. There was always something someone could be doing unless they were in a coma, and the government didn't have the tolerance for laziness. However, they made it insanely easy to get an education and find a job. Funding was high for schools and there were zillions of agencies around for employment. A lot of people ended up working for the government in some shape or form anyway simply because it was the biggest employer and offered the best benefits.

Selphie was proving to be a sufficient font of information despite her annoying exterior. She had something to say about everything and even though she was excitable about all of it, she didn't sound ignorant. It was obvious she already had a certain amount of education and knew what she was talking about. It made Leon feel better about going to a new place. At the very least, the people there wouldn't make him feel like he was a godly genius amongst simpletons. He looked forward to finding normal people to hold a normal conversation with. He also hoped they were just as forgiving about prying into his make-believe past. So far, all the questions about him were dropped once he refused to answer them and the lack of nosiness was comforting. He wanted to keep any lies to a minimum so he didn't have to keep track of them all.

The boat ride was peaceful enough despite Selphie's incessant talking. She took some breaks to go stand outside at the side rails to watch the water go by, giving Leon a moment to breathe. It was going to be a long ride to the port. Balamb, the capitol city that is, was where they were going. It was on its own island in the middle of the country with nothing but the city itself and its adjoining Garden making up its civilization. Both places were enormous supposedly, but the countryside between them and the nature were just as expansive. The Garden was the country's largest military base, and from there, they supplied the rest of their bases with all of their firepower. Hardly anything pertaining to their forces came from outside that island. Leon wondered if anyone knew about nuclear warheads and how easy it would be to end the war if one was dropped on the landmass; to Midgar's advantage, no less.

By the time they actually reached the city, Leon was done with boats. His stomach was bothering him, he was extremely tired, and he was most likely going to have to face a certain amount of jetlag from the travel. It was almost three in the morning by the time they docked. He and Selphie had to practically kick their chocobos in the face to get them to wake up and stand. The girl had much more luggage than he did, and her pack-bird didn't seem nearly as relaxed as his was. Leon felt bad for it. They disembarked and hustled into the city. It was quiet with hardly a soul in the streets. There were a lot of cars, which was surprising, and it was noticeably warmer. He was thankful for both things but couldn't focus on it because his brain wanted nothing more than to drop dead.

"Aren't we going right to the school?" Selphie asked when she noticed the Carrier trudging towards a hotel.

"Hell no. I'm going to bed. Do it in the morning," he grumped, tying his birds to a little shelter he assumed was for them. It had feed boxes with remnants of the grasses they ate littering the insides. He took his bags inside. Selphie ran to catch up with him, mimicking his behavior. Leon rang the service bell impatiently, glaring down at the stone countertop.

"Are they even taking guests at this hour?"

"They're going to, unless they want me to break doors in half so I can have a bed."

"Grumpy."

"Very."

"Do you snore?" Selphie asked. Leon looked at her with a disgruntled expression. She was flipping through a large book that advertised the hotel's services.

"I have no idea, why is that relevant?"

"Because they only have rooms with two or more beds."

"So?"

"Well it wouldn't be very economical for the extra bed to go to waste."

"My luggage can sleep in it."

"…That wasn't my point," Selphie said.

"I know, but you're not sharing a room with me."

"Why not?"

"Because I've known you less than a day and it's wholly inappropriate. For all I know you could steal my money and for all you know I could be a rapist," Leon spat. Selphie sheepishly turned her eyes back to the book.

"Okay, fine. I was just offering to help pay for it. Five hundred Gil a night is a little steep."

"Eugh, really? That much?" Leon sighed. Five hundred of anything sounded excessive. Except kittens. He could deal with a pile of five hundred kittens. The door behind the counter opened and a tired clerk came out to greet them.

"One room?" she asked. Selphie glanced at Leon.

"Yeah," she said. The Carrier scowled.

"Now wait a mi—"

"Don't worry about it. I can't afford to stay here."

"But you said—"

"I could if we split the cost. Seriously though, it's cool. I get it. Don't worry about it," she said, giving him a wide smile. "I'll just find somewhere else or head out to the school right away," she added, stooping to pull her luggage behind her and out the front door. Leon stewed in the abrupt guilt for a half a second before he reached out and grabbed her bicep. She gasped loudly and turned to him suddenly, face twisted in pain. "Ow! Let go!" she squeaked. He released her immediately.

"Sorry! Sorry. Didn't mean to grab that hard," he muttered quickly. His fatigue was making it hard to remember everything he needed to keep in check. She furrowed her brows and gave him a skeptical once over.

"That seriously made me reconsider your rapist proposition," she grumbled. He sighed.

"I honestly didn't mean to. I just… we can share a room if it keeps you from wandering around out there by yourself."

"You sure?" she asked.

"Yeah…" he trailed. She squealed and dropped her bags and threw herself at him, hugging him around his neck tightly. He startled and kept his hands off her, really unsure how to react. She stepped back after a few seconds.

"Thank you! You're such a gentleman."

"You're welcome?" he blurted. He looked behind himself at the clerk, who looked even more bored and tired than she had been two minutes before.

"One room, then?" she asked impatiently. Leon nodded and went to sign them in. They picked through their funds and paid for the room and their chocobos. They were given keys and they headed upstairs. The room was a lot nicer than the one Leon had in Trabia, but the beds were smaller. It didn't matter; there was enough room for the both of them. Selphie immediately plopped her luggage down and holed herself up in the bathroom. Leon took the opportunity to change into a pair of his loose fitting pants he took from the Shumi village. Ideally, he would've liked to have foregone the restrictive fabric all together, but even if he was that bold, he still didn't want to show his scars. No doubt Selphie would ask questions. By the time she emerged from the bathroom dressed in her pajamas, the Carrier had already buried himself in his bed and was drifting off.

Unbeknownst to Leon, Selphie already felt he wasn't completely normal. She had a deep purple bruise on her arm where he had grabbed her, and she was fully aware of his teeth. She was good at hiding things that bothered her, putting on a brave and happy front for everyone else's sake, but she was genuinely leery of him. She climbed into bed but faced him for almost an hour to make sure he was actually asleep before letting herself drift off, just in case he really was as dangerous as she felt he was.

* * *

Balamb Garden was massive. The architecture was mystifying by itself, never mind the bevy of weird shiny things Leon though would slice him to pieces if he touched them. The outside of the main building looked like a series of metallic aqua inner tubes stacked on top of one another to form a cone. There was additional metal working on the outside in varying hues of red, blue, and gold that made ornate angular symbols and designs. Leon wondered if they had any meaning other than looking nice, but he doubted it. Wide expanses of windows broke up the solid chunks of metal, some going to the extreme of creating a ring around entire sections.

There were so many pieces of flowing metal that Leon could hardly get a gist of the inner layout. All of it seemed like it had a function and they were certainly big enough to house people to some degree but their shapes were totally impractical. The whole place confused him. It seemed so normal on the outside when they were making their way down the nicely paved walkway but then all of a sudden they were assaulted by alien building types and Leon was lost. What he did like was the overabundance of plants. Trees, flowers, vines, and lush groundcover was everywhere. That, and there were a lot of people. The atmosphere was light and friendly. Everything was bright; including the smiles he could see. It was a steep contrast to Midgar. Complete opposites.

"I'm going to get so- _oooo_ lost," Selphie whined, drooping in her saddle some. Leon patted her shoulder. The other students noticed them quickly and they got a few curious looks as they passed. Just inside the campus grounds' entrance was a garage where several vehicles could be seen, but next to that was a large field with a stable. There were way more chocobos milling around in the grass than there were cars in immediate eyesight. The pair decided that their first stop was over there and they meandered to where the stable worker was and dismounted.

"New recruits?" the young man asked.

"Yep!" Selphie piped enthusiastically. The stable hand smiled.

"I need your guy's information so I can register your birds to you and keep track of them," he said. They followed him over to a tiny building that was obviously his little outpost and he took up a clip board with a pen. They each took turns filling out the forms. Selphie was able to fill all her boxes and lines with information. Leon, on the other hand, couldn't.

"I… uh… don't really know what to put for half of this," he admitted. The stable hand raised a brow and went to go look at his form.

"Do you not know your home address?"

"I don't have one," the Carrier said. Selphie gave him a strange look. The stable hand seemed to not be bothered by the statement in the least.

"Just fill out as much as you can," he said. Leon handed the clip board back, having put down as much as he could already. The awkwardness and anxiety was settling in again and he just wanted to get somewhere where he could relax and be comfortable with himself. So far, he felt like an outcast.

After they were finished, the stable hand took Binky and the other birds into the field and let them roam. Their luggage was loaded onto a cart for them to tug around and they were given a few pamphlets and papers they could use to point them in the right direction. Apparently they had come in the middle of the spring recruitment week. Leon had no idea he was timing it like he had but Selphie's departure from Trabia suddenly made more sense. There were several groups of students wandering around looking for people not in their uniforms, new people who needed guidance. It was from one of them that Leon and Selphie heard that they needed to see the housing committee.

The inside of the main building was not only extremely lavish, but its layout was more practical than what Leon thought it would be. Everything divulged in the middle where there was a series of elevators, but from that inner ring, the rest of the school branched out. Each direction led somewhere specific, like a starburst of sandy marble walkways. Fountains and pools of water took up the spaces that weren't needed in between the various wings, ensuring that there were no distractions that would keep the students in the halls instead of where they needed to be. The dormitory, with its adjoining housing committee, was down the northern walkway leading into the north wing.

By the time they had meandered down the lengthy path, Selphie was exhausted. Leon was fine, but he did agree that the amount of walking they had to do was a bit much. It took them almost twenty minutes from the front directory. There were several tables lined up with older students manning computers and taking the newer student's information down. Or at least that's what Leon thought they were doing. When it got to be his turn, he quickly found out that they were actually searching for students and their predetermined dorm assignments. However, Leon wasn't even enrolled in the school, let alone in their computers. It was a small detail he had completely forgotten about, but at the same time, he didn't even know how he was supposed to go about doing it.

"You'll have to head upstairs to speak with the Headmaster," the girl behind the computer said. Leon nodded and headed back out towards the elevators, not even bothering to see where Selphie was or what she was doing. Once inside the elevator, he let out a breath he wasn't aware he had been holding. He was by himself in the tiny box, which he was thankful for. The Garden, according to the elevator buttons, had three main floors and several basement-like sub floors. The Headmaster's office was on the top floor. The Carrier didn't know what to expect from everything he was being exposed to, but he was sure he didn't want to leave the elevator. He felt so out of place everywhere else. Regardless, he forced himself out of the little box and into the top floor's hallway. The door opposite the elevator's entrance had a placard that read 'Headmaster,' making his search a non-issue. There was a buzzer next to the door and he pressed it.

"Come in," came a warm male voice over the intercom that reminded Leon of the Bead Maker. There was a short buzz before the door in front of him popped open, sliding into the wall. He went inside. There was a large wooden desk flanked by seating with a man sitting behind it. He was older, but not yet gray. He had a kind sort of uncle-ish appearance with a large beaky nose and tiny glasses perched in front of his eyes. He had a few wrinkles, which only made his face softer and its round shape matched his relatively plump body. The name placard on the desk read 'Headmaster Cid.' The man gave the Carrier a once over before raising a skeptical brow. "You look extremely lost."

"So I've been told," Leon said, averting his eyes away from the man's analytical sapphire gaze.

"What can I do for you?"

"I was sent up here because I need to register. Apparently."

"Oh, you're a student?"

"I would like to be, yes."

"Well that's different then," Headmaster Cid said and leaned over the arm of his chair and pulled open the drawers of his desk. He pushed his shaggy chestnut hair out of his face and adjusted his glasses as he looked over a file of papers. He pulled a few sheets out and clipped them to a clip board and set them at the edge of his desk with a pen. He motioned for Leon to sit and the Carrier did so, taking the board and pen up. The form he was given was almost an exact copy of the one he had filled out at the stable.

"I'm going to be honest and say I already filled one of these out and I couldn't even complete it. I don't have an address, contact numbers, or any relatives."

"You're a refugee?"

"…Yes," Leon said hesitantly. He really didn't know what he was supposed to be running away from, but his situation certainly looked like he was trying to get away from _something_. Whatever was happening in Esthar was irrelevant to him, but it was obviously not so great if there had been an influx of emigrants from there like Reno had said. Headmaster Cid seemed to take his claim at face value and accept it.

"Fill out as much as you can and we'll go from there. Do you have any paperwork?"

"Some," Leon said and went to one of his bags and opened it to find the file of papers. He shuffled through the superficial things, things pertaining to details about the school itself, and pulled out his identification papers; his citizenships, his birth certificate, he even had school records from educational facilities he had never attended. He handed everything important off to the Headmaster, his heart pounding and hoping the Technicians knew how to make decent forgeries. The man looked them over closely.

"Esthar? Interesting," he said. Leon took his seat again.

"Is that a problem?" he asked. Headmaster Cid shook his head.

"Not at all. We have people from everywhere, but I will admit that there are very few from Esthar. In fact, we don't have any at all at the moment. The last graduating class had a couple but you're the first of this year. Possibly even the last."

"Oh."

"No worries. I understand. None of them had a lot of information to give either. We've handled it just fine in the past so there's nothing saying your situation will be any different. Go ahead and fill out the form and I'll work on the ones I need to do."

 _I wonder if Esthar is where all Carriers say they're from…_ Leon thought. He returned to the clip board and scribbled his information down. He set it on the desk when he was finished and Headmaster Cid took it and looked it over and made notes on his own forms. The Carrier sat in his seat, nervously pushing a few feathers around on his jacket. Eventually, the Headmaster stood and went to the back of his office where there was another door and went inside. He took Leon's papers with him and came back with copies. All in all, the process took another twenty minutes.

"Do you have a way to pay for your books and fees?" the man asked.

"Uh… not really? I have some money but I'm not sure how much I need."

"We'll worry about that when we need to, for now, I'll just make a note to have your information be put into the financial assistance program and we'll see what we can get you before we worry about the out of pocket expenses."

"Okay…" Leon said. _Too bad I have absolutely no intention of paying any of it back_.

"For today though…" the Headmaster trailed, poking at his computer curiously. "I can give you a room, but you may be by yourself for a while until we can find you a roommate."

"I'm more comfortable by myself. If I need to stay that way, that's fine," Leon said all too quickly. For as much as he hated being alone, he really couldn't think of how he would explain needing to shed his skin to a roommate. The idea of living with someone again was a nice one, but there were too many circumstances he would rather avoid if he could. Plus, he didn't get the impression he couldn't have visitors so it wasn't complete isolation.

"We usually charge a fee for having single rooms. We're limited on space as it is and your room may be much farther away from your classes than the rest. You're alright with that?"

"I can live with it. I'll have debt either way, right? May as well be comfortable while I keep adding to the tab."

"I suppose that's true," Headmaster Cid said, refocusing on his computer and clicking away. "Okay. If you go downstairs and back where you were, you should be in the system and they'll give you your key. I'll have the rest of your enrollment processed by tomorrow, and you'll be set. By the end of the week, you'll have a schedule. Before then, though, you'll need to have a physical and an assessment for your specialty."

"A ph—A physical," Leon deadpanned.

"Unless you have your medical records with you, we need to know who we're dealing with," the man said. Leon was more shocked to hear that actual medical procedures were performed. But after that initial surprise, the 'how do I explain…' mentality came back to him and his anxiety kicked in.

"Ah… no. I don't have them. It just hadn't occurred to me."

"It's fine. You can take care of that tomorrow. Just find your room and get acquainted today. No need to rush into every detail. I'll contact you soon. Good luck until then."

"Thank you," Leon said sheepishly.

* * *

The Carrier's dorm wasn't much. There was a small living area with a table and stools just inside the door with a sofa on the far wall. There was a door that led to a bathroom, and two doors leading into two separate sleeping quarters. He supposed that every dorm had at least two rooms, but if one was registered as a 'single' then that person was the only one that could use it. The bedrooms themselves, though, had all the essentials; a single sized bed, an alarm clock, a nightstand, a dresser, and a closet. It was bare of decoration and color, much like his room back on his home plane had been. He didn't care what that room looked like, but after living so long in the Shumi village, he really wanted some color in his dorm. He was thankful he had windows though, the pure natural light was much better than living underground and having it come filtered through smoky crystals.

His doors were like the ones back in the village. They slid into the walls and disappeared. The only difference between the village and the school was that the sliding panels that operated them were clearly visible and locked with his key card versus a button. He kept the spare bedroom's door open to let the light from the window steam into his living space. His belongings took up only two drawers of his dresser and he made a mental note to go shopping soon. Since Binky was apparently staying with him at the school, he had a ride back to the city. He stuffed his empty luggage in the spare room's closet and was officially out of stuff to do. He considered watching Cloud for a little bit, but his alarm clock said it was only about three in the afternoon and the blond would most likely be asleep, judging by the time difference. He sat on his sofa with a sigh and ran his fingers through his hair.

He realized he knew next to nothing about the school. Sure, he knew its brief history from the papers he was given by the Technicians, and what it was for, but he didn't know much else. He didn't know what specialties were offered, he didn't know what their expectations were, he didn't know if he had to have certain qualifications for certain things, or any other of the details he hadn't thought about before. He still didn't have a back-story, he still didn't have excuses for his physical differences, and he most certainly didn't have a solid reason for wanting to live by himself that he could explain. His mind was a jumbled mess, and his empty stomach wasn't helping matters by grumbling at him.

He decided he needed to eat before he could think and tossed his jacket aside, made sure he had his key, and left to go find the food.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

There was nothing Leon could think of that was worse than a room full of random people he didn't know. This particular room was the cafeteria, and he didn't mind that there were people there so much as he did their judgment. So, maybe a room full of unfamiliar people wasn't the problem as it was a room full of unfamiliar judgment. It also didn't help that he had no idea what the ladies in hairnets behind the counters were serving as food. None of it was labeled because apparently it was common enough fare for everyone else and recognizable.

Not wanting to sound like a complete idiot, he picked one thing and hoped it wouldn't make him sick. He decided that systematically eating one thing per meal was the best way to discern what he could eat and what he couldn't eat. Once he got the menu down, he could mix it together like a normal person. He wondered if there was a menu he could take with him so he could cross things off that he couldn't eat. He would have to remember to look before he left, but he pushed the thought aside as he made his way to one of the tables.

The cafeteria was huge. The tables were relatively small though and only had about four to six chairs around each one. Some had even less. The tiles on the floor, the masonry that made the walls, and the ceiling were all varying shades of blue, giving the room a very ocean-like feel. Even the furniture was metallic frames with blue seats and tops. There was a lot of natural light as well. So much so that more than half the lights in the ceiling were off for the time being. Everyone around him seemed to be enjoying their company and their food, but there wasn't a place he felt comfortable sitting. He ended up taking a table for himself.

 _I'm being irrational. What are they going to do to me? Light me on fire? Why is this so difficult?_ He asked himself with an exasperated sigh. He pushed his indiscriminate blob of food around with his spoon, suddenly not very hungry. No one was staring at him, he knew that, but it sure felt like everyone was. He couldn't help but feel like everyone knew his inner thoughts, that they could see every part of him and already knew he wasn't normal, like he was an alien and not someone they would want to associate with. He hated being so self conscious.

"You look like one _tortured_ dude," came a lighthearted male voice. Leon nearly shot out of his skin in surprise and he looked up just as the voice's owner dropped his tray on the table with a loud clatter. The newcomer plopped down in his seat and immediately dove into the mountain of food in front of him. The Carrier didn't know if he should take him seriously or not. Half his face was covered in a crawling black tattoo that was reminiscent of tree roots spreading from his ear to his cheek. His platinum blonde hair was relatively short but the front stuck straight up like a cockatiel's feather. He was very well built though, having thick arms and a broad chest from what Leon could see. His clothing was loose and baggy, having a black vest with red vine-like tendrils coating it over a black t-shirt as well as overly long baggy denim shorts. He gave Leon a smile.

"Uh… I'm sorry?" the Carrier guessed stupidly. The newcomer finished chewing before he spoke again.

"Doesn't bother me any, it just looked like you were going to crawl into your bowl and hide. You okay?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Leon lied.

"Don't let him fool you. He's coming over with the pretense of consoling you but in a few minutes here he's going to try and get in your pants," another new voice came. The first newcomer nearly choked. He turned quickly in his seat and hurled a roll at the source. The second voice laughed before he sat. He was tall, taller than Leon, and much thinner than the first newcomer. His hair was colored like a deep honey and was tied back into a ponytail that hung to the middle of his back. His face was pretty, teetering on feminine, but his velvety deep voice was all male. He wore a purple vest without a shirt underneath above loose brown leather pants and pointy brown shoes. He had the most god-awful cowboy hat Leon had ever seen in his life but he thankfully removed it as he sat with his tray.

"Fuck off. I'm not gay," the first newcomer said.

"Zell, I've known you for two days. I feel my professional opinion of your personality is accurate. I'm just trying to help your new friend here understand your intentions," the second said with an amused smile. He looked to Leon. "Hi."

"Hi?" Leon questioned.

"My name's Irvine. This is Zell. You are…?"

"Le—Squall," the Carrier said awkwardly. Irvine quirked a brow but didn't say anything else on the matter. Zell furrowed his brows and sat back in his seat, glaring across the table at his friend.

"You look gayer than I do, that vest is totally drag," he said.

"What's wrong with my vest?" Irvine questioned, looking down at himself.

"Everything," Leon muttered before he could stop himself. Zell burst into laughter.

"Guy meets you for four seconds and he can already agree!" he said. Irvine shrugged and started eating, completely undisturbed. The blonde calmed and dramatically wiped an imaginary tear out of his eye. He looked to Leon again and smiled. "Yeah, my name's Zell. Sorry. I got distracted and didn't introduce myself."

"It's fine," Leon said. Zell looked at the Carrier's single bowl of food.

"You on a diet?"

"In a very roundabout sort of way, I guess," Leon said.

"What?"

"Don't worry about it."

"He just doesn't understand why not everyone can be a vacuum cleaner like he can. Guy gets within ten feet of anything edible and inhales it before he even gets to the table," Irvine interjected.

"Hey, I burn a lot of that off. I need calories," Zell defended.

"I know you do and that's why it's fascinating," Irvine said. He looked to Leon again. "So tell us about yourself."

"There isn't much to say," Leon tried to deflect.

"Where are you from?"

"…Esthar."

"Ooo exotic."

"How do you figure?"

"I just don't meet many people from there, is all. Nothing wrong with it."

"Okay…well, what about you?"

"I'm from Galbadia," Irvine said, pushing his food around as his mood was quickly ran south. "My brother and I moved to Balamb about a year ago. I finished school here and then I came to this Garden to… progress I guess. Take the next step."

"Oh. At least you're progressing instead of shutting down," Leon said. He assumed with the way Irvine's demeanor changed, that his parents were either still in Galbadia or were dead. Regardless, Midgar's occupation wasn't exactly the happiest thing to happen to the country, but the Carrier didn't want to dredge up painful memories for himself or Irvine, so he left it at that. He looked to Zell. "What about you?"

"I was born and raised here. And… yeah. Not much else other than that," the blonde said.

"His mom is an awesome lady. She walked him all the way to his dorm and left cookies behind," Irvine said with a light snicker.

"Hey! She insisted."

"Mhm, I'm sure. Momma's boy."

"Can I help it if I love my mom? What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing. Like I said, she's an awesome lady."

"Damn right she is," Zell spat with a huff and crossed his arms over his chest and looked away with his chin in the air. His line of sight happened to fall towards the door where a small group of people were coming in. There were four of them, two guys and two girls. One of the guys was tall, bulky, dark skinned, and seemed relatively nice as he chattered away excitedly to a sort of short, pale, silent girl with silvery white hair and an eye patch. They followed behind another pair, the male of which being tall, blonde, broad shouldered, with a long gray trench coat. The female he had on his arm leaned against him affectionately. She was much shorter than he was with long black hair, a lengthy blue sleeveless coat over her black tank top and blue and black shorts. As soon as the appearances were registered, Zell let out a groan and held his face in his hands.

"What is it?" Leon asked.

"That guy in the gray coat is my roommate. I've known him for years. He's such a dick," the blonde muttered.

"I'm more concerned about that pretty little honey he has on his arm," Irvine said, staring intently at the girl with black hair.

"Don't even try it, dude. Seifer's possessive."

"Eh, I don't have to do anything special. I'll just lure her away with my natural charm and suave language skills. If anything, he can only blame her in the end."

"And if she tells you to fuck off?"

"Then I fuck off. But there's no harm in trying."

"Yeah until Seifer rearranges your teeth."

"I have a good dentist," Irvine said. Zell rolled his eyes with a sigh and returned to his food. The meal continued, Irvine and Zell having a bit of small talk between them. They weren't kidding when it was said that they had met only two days prior. Their conversation was still in the 'get to know you' territory but Leon didn't care much for the superficial details and just picked at his food. It didn't taste bad, he just suddenly had no appetite. He didn't know what his problem was. He liked Irvine and Zell well enough and he was finally being somewhat social, but his spirits hadn't lifted hardly at all.

"Hey pissant," barked a voice. All three of them looked up to see the newly arrived foursome standing at the end of the table, Seifer's eyes focused squarely on Zell.

"The fuck do you want now?" the blonde asked.

"You left your gym bag on the sofa."

"So?"

"Keep your shit in your room and not on the couch. I thought we had that agreement."

"We didn't agree on anything, dick. You told me all my shit stays in my room and your shit goes wherever you please. I don't agree with that so I ignored you. Tough shit."

"Unfortunately for you, you don't have a choice. If I make it back to the room and it's not out of my sight, I'm setting it on fire."

"Right, and when you have to tell Headmaster Cid why I need another pair of six hundred Gil gloves, I'll be sitting outside the door laughing as he chews you a new one. Chill out. I'll move it."

"Good. That's all you had to say."

"Or you could try being civil," Zell muttered.

"Being civil is giving you the option of moving it _before_ I set it on fire. Had I just gone ahead and torched it without telling you, then I would say I wasn't being civil," Seifer said, an amused and condescending smirk crossing his face. By this point, Leon was getting annoyed. The complete lack of manners and the audacity the other had was staggering. It was clear with the way he carried himself that Seifer thought he was above just about everyone, not just Zell. His brows seemed to be stuck in a permanent sneer and his eyes were beady and just screamed 'mean.' The sense of entitlement he had really grated against Leon's nerves.

"Yeah okay fine, whatever," Zell said, brushing the conversation off in an effort to get the bully to leave. The girl with the black hair was not impressed by her apparent boyfriend's display of hostility. She was leaning away from him, her hand only loosely tucked around his arm, and was trying to pay attention to just about anything else. Now that she was closer, Leon could see that she was very pretty. Cute, even. She had a buttony nose, small pouty lips, and nice almond shaped dark eyes. She also had a few random chunks of caramel hair in amongst all the black which Leon thought was weird but chocked it up to a female thing and let it slide.

"The fuck you looking at?" Seifer spat abruptly, pulling Leon's attention back to him.

"Someone who seems to be over compensating for his lack of self esteem by beating others down that didn't do anything to deserve it," the Carrier said blandly, looking Seifer directly in the eye with a glare. Every eye at the table turned to him. He fought the urge to crawl under the table and hide. He was just too annoyed to pay attention to his anxiety; he'd worry about it later. Seifer's face twisted into a sneer.

"Oh is that so? I could've sworn you were envious of my girl. Ogling her like a piece of meat. That make you feel good? Demeaning women?"

"Glancing at someone and noticing them is demeaning? If that's the case I may as well spit in your face with how long I've paid attention to you. Seems like a more effective way of communication."

"I'd like to see you try, skinny."

"It'd be an insult to my spit," the Carrier said. Seifer barked a laugh.

"You're just scared."

"If you say so," Leon said. He stood and picked up his bowl and silverware and headed towards the dirty dish drop-off window. He was done. He didn't want to be there anymore, he didn't want to talk anymore, and he was tired of feeling so out of place. He dropped his bowl off for the kitchen workers to wash before heading to the doors. He was stopped halfway there by a hand on his shoulder. He turned and came face-to-clavicle with Seifer.

"You know, you got a big fucking mouth for someone so fucking short," Seifer practically hissed in his face. He had a good six inches in height on Leon, but the Carrier wasn't threatened.

"Okay," he said flatly. He didn't want to give the other the satisfaction of giving in and arguing.

"I don't like it."

"And I don't like you. I'm glad we could come to this understanding," Leon said. Seifer scoffed at him and tugged his girl away with him, purposefully bumping into Leon's shoulder as he brushed past. The other pair that had came in with them followed behind quietly. Once they were a reasonable distance away, Zell bolted out of his seat to the Carrier's side with a beaming smile.

"That took balls," he said happily.

"What's his problem?"

"He has a massive superiority complex. He thinks he runs this school, but in reality he's one of the oldest students here because he's failed a couple of years. Well, not fail in an academic sense, but he hasn't passed his field exam yet, which is even more important than the written stuff. He's always been like that though. Like I said, we've known each other for years and ever since I can remember, he's just been a bossy jerk."

"He's obviously got some personal issues he needs to sort out. People aren't just that rude because they feel like it. They feel they _have_ to be."

"It's possible. I don't know what it could be though. As far as I'm aware his home life was good. Like mine; sort of picturesque compared to most others," Zell said. Leon shrugged.

"Who knows?" he said. The blonde grinned.

"I'm serious when I say that took balls though. You're alright in my book," he said. Leon smiled.

"Thanks."

* * *

Doctor Kadowaki was an middle aged woman who worked at the Garden as the resident physician, though through experience she had become a sort of medical jack-of-all-trades. She had a little team of nurses that helped her but she was extremely proactive and took a very 'hands on' approach to her job. For as serious as she was, she was very compassionate. Her tightly-pulled-back-hair in its conservative graying bun betrayed her sarcastic sense of humor. When Leon reported to the Infirmary the next morning for his physical, he was assaulted by the touchy-feely nurses and forced into a tiny examination room. He didn't have a problem with the physical itself. It was easy enough for him to take an objective approach and see that it was a practical and necessary procedure and that the doctor wasn't there to laugh at him or demean him any. However, that didn't ease his nerves completely. In fact, his nervousness became blatantly obvious when Dr. Kadowaki came in toting a very large camera.

"Go ahead and scoot behind the curtain and get undressed," she said plainly, stooping to open a cabinet and retrieve a papery gown. "Don't put this on until I say so, though," she said.

"Uh… what is exactly is that for though?" he asked hesitantly, pointing to the camera.

"Cameras are for taking pictures."

"Yes I know but why is it necessary?"

"Because I need to take pictures of any telltale marks on you."

"…Because?"

"Because this is the military. If you go out in the field and get your face and hands blown off, we need to be able to identify your remains," the woman said. Leon raised a brow.

"Well that's a little morbid."

"That's reality."

 _Of course it is. Yippie,_ Leon sighed to himself. He scooted off the exam table and went behind the aforementioned curtain. He had never been in a legitimate doctor's office before and the first thing that came to mind when he went back there was 'why the hell is there a mirror back here?' There was no practical reason for it to be there. It wasn't like the room was his bedroom and he needed to see how his clothing looked when he put them back on; he had done that once already that day. He shook his head a bit as he disrobed.

"Ready?" she asked.

"I suppose? Where do you want me?" he asked. He couldn't give two damns if she saw his nudity so much as he was concerned about his model number. He wondered if having a Carrier's number documented and on file would have any future ramifications even after he left. He didn't know how much the people could connect together. Surely he wasn't the first Carrier to pass through.

"Out here somewhere is fine," she said, fiddling with the camera. "If I find anything I feel I should keep a picture of, I'll let you kn—oh," she deadpanned. She had looked up from the device and noticed the very large and very obvious scars that littered his torso. "Well okay then," she said. She reached out and picked up Leon's arms. He got the idea and held them out, allowing her to get a satisfactory eyeful of all the damage. She snapped a picture of his sides as well. He hated it. Having the Shumi people and Reno know about the marks was one thing because they knew what happened and didn't judge. Even though Dr. Kadowaki was completely professional through the entire process, he still couldn't help but feel like she thought he was ugly. It was completely irrational thinking on his part, but that just made it so much worse because he couldn't stop himself.

The physical continued on normally when she was finished with the surface pictures. She handed him the gown, which he thought was useless at that point since she had already seen all of him, but he put it on anyway for modesty's sake. She made sure all his joints felt normal, checked his eyes and his ears, and made sure his reflexes were normal. She went about feeling his glands under his jaw and stopped when her fingers pressed into the hardened lump that was the start of his Link beneath his back tooth. She furrowed her brows and felt around a little.

"Are you aware—"

"Yes," he said.

"Have you had any sort of exam—"

"Yes."

"Is it something I should be concerned about?"

"No," he said. She seemed like she wanted to say more but she let it slide and continued on. She took a picture of his teeth and the odd texture of his tongue, checked his throat and noticed the Link access point in his tooth. She tried to press questions again, but he cut her off. She took a few minutes to write everything in his file before she moved on. She had him stand and bend over and touch his toes so she could feel his spine. Again, she noticed the abnormalities with his Link traveling down either side of his vertebrae, questioned it, but was cut off once more. Before she moved onto his pelvic area she sat him down and gave him a stern look.

"I'm not stupid. I don't know what Esthar is up to now-a-days but whatever is going on with you needs to be checked out in more detail. You have too many anomalies for me to give you a clean bill of health and send you on your way."

"Even though I say I'm fine, you're going to persist?" Leon asked. His patience was wearing thin.

"I have to or else we can't keep you. I need to give the 'okay' before you can do anything here."

"I can't get a second opinion?"

"Not at this point. I'm aware of it. Do you have an idea of what's going on with you?"

"Yes. I do, actually," he said simply.

"Enlighten me?" she asked. Leon contemplated for a minute.

"I'm not human," he said simply. Dr. Kadowaki raised a brow.

"This isn't a joke."

"I'm not joking."

"Fine. I'll play along. Are you telling me you're a monster? An alien? A mud person?"

"Sort of, sort of, and no. In that order," he said. The doctor rolled her eyes.

"You're so full of shit. Take this seriously otherwise I'm going to have to go to the Headmaster and have him dismiss you."

"Fine. I'm terminally ill. My spine is threatening to split down the middle and all of my limbs and innards are going to fall to the ground. I'm here because I want to commit suicide and go out with a bang. So do me a favor and humor me for a few years," Leon said snidely. Dr. Kadowaki scowled.

"Kid, I'm not very fond of your tone."

"And I'm not fond of your prejudice."

"Preju—I'm trying to help you."

"And I've already said that I'm fine. I've been checked out, I've been looked over and questioned before and everything is normal. Normal for me. Just because I'm a little different doesn't give you the right to berate me with questions claiming I'm abnormal. My doctors back home told me I'm fine and I'm sorry, but I trust their medicine more than I trust yours. If that discounts me from being able to make something of myself here, then I guess I should go over to Midgar where apparently they're more accepting," he said. Mentioning Midgar and knowing the irony in their 'acceptance' parameters seemed to hit a nerve in the doctor. She sighed and rubbed her brow.

"I'm not trying to criticize you but you have to admit that 'different' in a medical sense usually doesn't lead to anything good. I'm concerned."

"Don't be. I've been this way my entire life," Leon said. She heaved an exasperated sigh and tensed her jaw as she thought it over. She eventually sighed again and ran a hand over her hair.

"Alright fine. But I'm warning you: if I get the slightest whiff of something wrong with you or something pertaining to you, I will pull you out of here by your toenails before you even understand what hit you. Understand?" she asked tersely.

"Yes ma'am," the Carrier said quickly, his heart doing a little relieved flip.

"Good. I'm going to document everything I found but I'll only tell Cid to be aware. You screw this up and I don't know how lenient he'll be."

"I won't screw it up."

"Fine. We just have a few more things before you can go," she said impatiently. She had him lay back so she could feel his abdomen. The fun part began after that. Prostate exams weren't exactly his idea of a party, but having one done and then having his perineum and scrotum photographed was just about the most embarrassing thing he had ever encountered in his life. Dr. Kadowaki didn't say anything else to him other than 'you're fine, get out of here' after that. Leon was all too happy to get dressed and leave.

 _Note to self: Need to get my way? Bring up racial prejudice. If that doesn't work, talk about Midgar_ , he told himself half-jokingly. He was sure there was more to Dr. Kadowaki's personal pressure than him getting upset about whatever judgment she was passing on him. Since Balamb didn't have a draft, it was probably safe to assume they looked over a few things in order to keep their numbers up. They couldn't afford to be picky. He was the least of their concerns anyway.

* * *

Balamb Garden had a series of combat specialties. There were three main categories: spiritual, melee, and distance. Within those categories, various branches spread out covering a wide array of weaponry and abilities. Melee and distance were pretty self explanatory, meaning close-range combat and long-range combat respectively. Spiritual, as far as Leon could tell, was where they kept the magic users; people who had the ability to manipulate the elements like the Shumi did.

Everyone was required to do certain things though, just as a general military standard. Everyone needed a weapon and a specialty. Period. Magic users could specialize in their craft but they still had to be armed at all times. Everyone else had their specialty with their weapon of choice but could reach out and dabble in whatever else they wanted to do. Conversely, everyone had to be proficient in driving, controlling a chocobo, and basic first aid. That was the basic gist of what Leon could pick up from what he heard around the campus. Of course, everyone had their academic obligations as well, but that was secondary to the physical things they needed to be able to do.

Before his assessment, Leon wandered out into the training grounds outside of the main building and met up with the instructor who took his measurements and shoved a pile of clothing in his arms. A pair of shorts and a t-shirt was supposedly what he was supposed to wear, which was fine with him because he didn't know what to expect otherwise. He was also given a pair of sneakers. He almost argued that he'd rather run around barefoot but it ultimately didn't matter. Once he changed and came back, he had to fill out a series of forms and the instructor took his basic stats; his blood pressure, his temperature, and his pulse.

"Feeling alright?" the instructor asked. Leon raised a brow.

"Yes. Why?"

"You have a slight fever."

"How much?"

"100.8," he said.

"That's normal for me."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay," the man said, his tone implying that he wasn't convinced. Leon sighed. He should've seen that one coming but he was thankful the instructor seemed to be more forgiving than the doctor. He jotted some notes on his clip board. "Well, we're going to start with some simple stuff. A lot of this is what you'll end up doing every day during your pre-training warm up so pay attention."

"Question before we start?" Leon interjected. Something was nagging him that he couldn't shake.

"Yeah?"

"Why am I the only one doing this? Shouldn't there be more students with me?"

"The majority take this assessment right before they graduate from their primary education and come here. Hardly anyone has a specialty when they start but we need at least the basics of your physical capabilities before we can get that far. Don't worry. Kids from Esthar almost always need to do this part first while they're here. Schools over there just don't emphasize it enough. It's normal. You're not weird."

"Okay," the Carrier said. He didn't feel much better. Even if he was completely human, he was still technically from a foreign country. He was different regardless of the story.

"Anyway," the instructor said and pointed down a pathway to where there was a small marker sticking out of the grass next to it. Closer to them was a line. "That distance is about five hundred meters give or take. I don't want you to sprint; I just need a comfortable baseline running speed. Head on down there and I'll call for you to start."

"Okay," Leon said and wandered down the path and stood next to the marker. He stretched a little to avoid a cramp and waved to the instructor to show he was ready. At the man's whistle, the stopwatch was started, and he took off. He jogged for about five steps until he was at a comfortable speed and continued on down to the line. Easy. He didn't think he was going all that fast but the instructor seemed relatively upset with him when he stopped.

"I told you not to sprint," he said.

"I didn't," the Carrier defended, hardly winded. The instructor furrowed his brows together and started at him seriously.

"Alright fine. Do it again but sprint it," he ordered, the annoyance in his voice obvious. Leon sighed grumpily and walked back to the marker. He readied himself in a pre-run stance. Another tweet of the whistle and he was off like a shot. When he made it back to the line he was winded but not as winded as the instructor seemed to be. The man had nearly choked.

"Is it really that bad?" Leon asked, giving the man a skeptical look.

"Bad? Are you nuts? Where were you ten years ago when I was coaching at the university? Damn!" the man balked. The Carrier raised a brow. As it turns out, leisurely running five hundred meters in fifty-four seconds was impressive. Sprinting the same distance in only thirty-five seconds was even more so. Leon had never been timed or monitored in his life so he couldn't grasp the concept of 'damn that's fucking fast' since he had never paid attention before. His instructor was overly excited though and jabbered on about the possibilities of such speed in the battlefield. The Carrier listened, but half-heartedly.

The majority of the remainder of his assessment was basic work-out sorts of things. Sit ups, pushups, chin ups, jumping jacks, the normal things he would end up doing pretty much every day for as long as he stayed there. After the little stuff was done with, the instructor walked him inside to the school gym, which was next to the combat training center. The room was huge and littered with all manner of work-out equipment where there were several students exercising already. Leon suddenly felt very skinny in comparison to some of the other guys in there, some of which had shoulders almost as big as his face.

He followed the instructor past them and to the back where there was a weird machine that almost looked like an arcade game with a padded handle on a base with a large panel of padding behind it on the wall. There was a metal plate behind the panel, and a bundle of wires leading from it to a tiny digital screen that was on the wall few inches over. The same wires came out of the base the handle was situated on and connected to the screen as well.

"This thing measures your grip strength and your punch force. Do you really need me to explain how it works?" the instructor asked. Leon shook his head. "Go ahead whenever you're ready then," he said. The Carrier grabbed the padded handle and squeezed as hard as he could. He held it for a couple seconds and released. He watched the little screen, curious to see how strong he was. Numbers popped up on the display and skyrocketed upward but quickly turned into slash marks as the number ran out of space to display. The instructor stared wordlessly at the screen, pen poised above Leon's paperwork. The Carrier couldn't see what the last number was before the display blipped away so he didn't know what the machine's threshold was.

"Are you alright?" Leon asked as the instructor stayed silent, mouth slightly agape. The man blinked a few times and looked to him.

"Uh… yes. I am. I uh…" he trailed, glancing down at his paperwork. He was quiet again as he thought for a minute. "I think we'll call it a day," he said finally.

"We didn't even fini—"

"Yeah we can pick this up later. I need to get a few things together and… talk them over with some people."

"With incomplete data?"

"I have more than enough. Here," the instructor said, flipping a couple pages until he found a pad of important looking papers. He scribbled on the top sheet and handed it off to Leon when he was finished. "Take this to the combat assessment people and you can get started," he said. The Carrier nodded. The instructor hurried away without say anything else, to which Leon scowled. Everyone in the gym was staring at him and he stuffed the piece of paper in his pocket and quickly took his leave. Once he was out into the hallway and away from stunned eyes, he dug the paper out again and looked it over. It was a list of the varying weapon specialties with a rating system next to each one. His name was at the top in its appropriate box, but instead of going down the list and giving a value to what Leon was supposed to have an affinity to, the instructor simply wrote the entire sheet:

_Ideal for all specialties._

* * *

"Awww, you're making so many friends," Reno cooed happily.

"Shut up. They all think I'm some sort of freak of nature," Leon spat.

"Well… I hate to tell you this, buddy, but we sort of are."

"I wish I had had the forethought to ask what the average person scores on everything before I tried any of it. Even if I was off in my estimations, I'd still only be a little above average instead of flying off into ogre territory."

"Don't talk about yourself like that. You're not an ogre," the redhead chastised.

"Well then I'm some sort of troll or something because I've effectively alienated myself from any sort of normalcy I had hoped to have. Augh… this is a mess," Leon sighed, holding his face in his hands. "I haven't even started going to school yet. This is all preliminary."

"Have you talked to anyone and asked them if they think you're so awful?"

"No…"

"Then how do you know that's how they all see you? You're not giving yourself enough credit. Zell and Irvine sound nice enough and they seemed to like you, right?"

"I have no idea."

"You need to pay attention more."

"I am paying attention."

"To the people, dumbass. Fuck the school. Whatever they're doing, you can do better, simple as that. Succeeding is not the problem, but gaining social acceptance is more of a hurdle. Don't torture yourself over it because then you'll spend your time there perpetually upset and you might actually get hurt because you're distracted. Get comfortable around everyone, and then worry about graduation."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Because it _is_ easy. What's hard is trying to cater to everyone you come across. You can't please everyone all at once all the time. Your personality is what it is and if you get hung up on a few people not liking you or having varying opinions, then yeah, it's going to be hard. Just accept that you're not going to be a hundred percent with everyone and go with who is accepting and who you like. Tiny details aren't as important as the overall picture."

"The tiny detail being myself. I feel so inhuman."

" _What_ you are is not the same as _who_ you are. You could be a malformed mutated blob but you'd still be you. Your body doesn't define your worth as a person," Reno said. A loud squeak came over the transmission as the redhead leaned back in his seat and set his legs up on his desk. Leon didn't have a response to his statement.

"Okay." At least not a constructive statement, anyway.

"All better?"

"No. But I'll think about it and get back to you on that. How're things on your end?"

"Quiet. Rude and Chelsea are still together, still sucking face every four seconds, and still annoyingly mushy. For a guy that doesn't talk very much, you'd think he'd be this cold stonewall-ish sort of personality but he isn't. He's really sweet. Very cuddly. It still doesn't change the fact that I want to yank Chelsea's ovaries out through her ears, though."

"Why's that?"

"Uh, because he's _mine_ , duh," Reno scoffed. Leon chuckled.

"You mean she doesn't have ESP? How dare she."

"I know! She should know this shit already. Been sending her negative 'back off' brainwaves since she showed up."

"I'm sorry she's not perfect."

"Feh, whatever. He'll be mine soon enough. How's Cloud?"

"I haven't paid attention to him in two days," Leon said flatly. There was a short pause before Reno let out a short 'hm.'

"Is he that uninteresting?"

"Lately he has been. It also doesn't help that I'm really sick of hearing condoms being opened and seeing Aerith's vagina."

"But you're not tired of seeing Cloud's penis? Interesting."

"Oh fuck off, you know what I mean," Leon grumped. Reno laughed.

"Whatever you say, buddy. Whatever you say."


	24. Chapter 24

**Chapter 24**

Somewhere over the course of an evening, while Leon was sleep, Aerith's entire world seemed to have collapsed. The Carrier was greeted by _wailing_ when he started watching again. She and Cloud were on the couch together, the blonde laying on his back with the girl on top of him using his entire chest as a tissue to smear her tears on. Cloud wasn't overly upset, or if he was, he didn't show it. He was blank, and only offered any sort of expression when Aerith looked up from his chest. Even then, it wasn't much. He just held her, rubbed her back, and waited for her to calm down.

"Aerith…" he trailed dejectedly after listening to her for another ten minutes. She pushed herself up and sat on his thighs, her face as red as a tomato with bloodshot eyes. Cloud sat up as much as he could.

"W-why—" she hiccupped, stopping to catch her breath, "why aren't you u-upset?" she choked.

"I am upset. But we knew it was happening. I'm not surprised," he said. She wiped her face with little success. Her cries calmed into loud uneven sniffles.

"But I don't w-want you to go!" she squealed, throwing herself on him again and hugging his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed tight, resting his chin on her hair

"I know. I don't want to either," he said flatly.

"What if I never see you again?"

"You will. I'll come back."

 _Oh god don't tell her that,_ Leon begged, the guilt trickling in.

"But what if you d—"

"Aerith," Cloud said sternly, nudging her back enough so he could look her in the eye. "Stop. I'll be back. I promise."

"But—"

"You have to trust me."

"I do trust you."

"Then there shouldn't be a problem."

"But it is a prob—" she started but the blonde grabbed her face and pressed their lips together before she could get anywhere. It was a short kiss, just enough to get the girl to be quiet. He hugged her again afterward. It was then that he showed emotion. When Aerith's face was tucked against his neck and couldn't see, Cloud's obvious fear and worry seeped into his face. Leon hadn't seen the blonde look so scared since he was a lot younger. Even went Nana died, Cloud wasn't worried. He wasn't happy, but not afraid. Being shipped off to a possible death sentence was reason enough to be fearful, but Leon couldn't help but wonder if Cloud's main concern was dying, or breaking his promise to Aerith. The latter was part of the Carrier's concern, even with knowing she wouldn't remember who Cloud was once they left. The guilt was just too much for him to dwell on.

He pushed his thoughts aside as he stopped the feed and went to get himself together for the day. He was starting to run out of clothes to wear and vaguely wondered where the laundry facilities were, and if he could sneak away to go shopping at some point. But before he did that, he needed to bathe and eat breakfast.

* * *

Leon was in the habit of waking up early. He was in the cafeteria by six in the morning, right when breakfast started. Most of the other students didn't roll in until almost eight. The people who ate as early as the Carrier did were the teachers. A lot of them lived on campus, including the Headmaster. Leon took his tray and tried to find a place to sit and eat by himself. His morning hadn't been the best and he wanted to think a little. He needed to come up with a plan. As much as it hurt him to consider the possibility of hurting Cloud when they left together, he still needed to figure out a way to get the blonde to follow. He managed to find a table and started eating.

"Squall," someone said abruptly. Leon startled and looked up to see Headmaster Cid standing at the end of his table. The man came around and sat in the available seat next to him.

"Yes?" Leon asked, raising a brow. Headmaster Cid thought about what he wanted to say for a moment before he ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

"Your exemplary strength has been brought to my attention. It's not the first time we've had students come to us with such abilities but they're always the minority and we've kept them under close scrutiny. So I'll be frank and just ask you straight: do you use Mako?" he asked, giving the Carrier serious eyes. Leon choked on a piece of food and started coughing.

"No!" he barked when he could breathe again. _That's why the instructor was acting so weird,_ he concluded.

"Using Mako is against our policy, not to mention Balamb's law."

"I'm not."

"So you'd be willing to let us test you?"

"Yes!"

"…Oh," the Headmaster deadpanned; seemingly surprised the Carrier was so forthcoming.

"What do you need me to do?" Leon asked.

"It's just a blood test," the man said. The other immediately set his arm on the table, wrist up, presenting his veins to the man with an expectant expression. Headmaster Cid rubbed his brows. "Not right this second."

"Well the faster we can get this done, the faster I can be taken seriously. Why would I want to prolong such conclusions about myself?"

"I understand but we'll take care of it before the day is over. In fact, when you're done eating just report to Dr. Kadowaki and tell her what we need and she can get it done then."

"Fine."

"If you're clean, I apologize for my judgment in advance. But you understand where I'm coming from, yes?"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I'm any less insulted," Leon grumped. Headmaster Cid gave him a small smile.

"True enough. I look forward to being able to see you progress. You'll be a valuable asset to our forces."

* * *

After dropping off a blood sample to Dr. Kadowaki and going to back to his room for his money, Leon decided it was time to go shopping. He wasn't allowed to do anything else pertaining to his education before the test results came back so he was sort of at odds with himself. Getting out and spending some time by himself seemed like an okay way to pass the time. However, as he made his way outside, Zell found him.

"Where're you headed out so early?" the blonde asked curiously.

"Shopping. My wardrobe is a little sparse," Leon said flatly, continuing to walk past him.

"By yourself?" Zell asked, clearing the space between them and falling in line.

"Yes."

"But there's like… nature out there."

"You'll have that."

"Yeah well, this nature can kill you, you know. It's really not the best idea to go out there unarmed and by yourself."

"Are you offering to be my meat shield?" Leon asked grumpily, hoping the brash terminology was enough to give the other a hint.

"Well my conscience would feel better if I made sure you were okay. Can I tag along?"

"Whatever," the Carrier huffed. Zell frowned but followed after him anyway. Their first stop was at the chocobo stables where they retrieved Binky and a spare bird for Zell. The blonde didn't have one assigned to him. His mother had brought him to the school in her car but she obviously took it back, leaving her son relatively stranded. But it was fine. The school had plenty of birds for everyone. Binky seemed happy to see Leon and rubbed his face against him affectionately. They set out together at a leisurely pace, keeping an eye out for anything suspicious.

"So…" Zell trailed, attempting to make small talk. Leon didn't oblige him. The blonde sighed. "Are you going to ignore me the whole time we're out?"

"No, but you haven't said anything that I needed to reply to."

"You could've tried to start a conversation."

"I assumed 'so…' was your effort to start one. I was waiting for the rest of it."

"Oh. Well, I wanted to ask why you're here. There are lots of rumors going around about you and no one can really put together a story for you that sounds halfway accurate."

"Why does it matter? Let them think what they want. I can't do anything to change whatever opinions about me they've already formed."

"Maybe. But you really don't care?"

"Caring about everyone else is not why I'm here," Leon said.

"So what is it, then?" Zell asked.

"Don't worry about it."

"Don't be like that. Seriously. I don't want to think you're a bad guy just because you're not as outgoing as some people but if you don't give me anything to work with I'm going to have to believe the rumors."

"What are the rumors?"

"That you're a spy from Midgar," Zell said. Leon stopped Binky and stared at the blonde with hard eyes.

"Excuse me?" he asked, immediately angry. Zell pulled his chocobo around and stopped to look at him as well.

"It's what everyone's saying. That you do Mako and you're here to spy and give away strategies to the enemy. I heard how strong you are. You don't talk to anyone either. We can only go by what we see and you're awfully suspicious," Zell explained. Leon sighed.

"I'm here because I'm looking for someone."

"Are they here?"

"No. They're in Midgar."

"Then why come here?"

"Because I hate Midgar. I'll eventually end up over there in battle anyway and he's a soldier so we'll probably find each other. Or I'll die trying. Whichever comes first," the brunette said, continuing forward again. The blonde followed.

"He?" Zell asked, raising a brow. Leon sighed.

"Yes. He."

"Uh… you don't have to tell me if it's personal but is he—"

"He's family."

"Oh. Okay. So you really think you can find him? Sort of like a needle in a haystack of you think about it."

"I have my methods," Leon said.

"Fancy Esthar methods?"

"…Sure, we can call them that."

"Does he know you're looking for him?" Zell asked.

"No. We were separated before he even knew I existed."

"Is he your brother or something?"

"It's complicated. Just leave it at that."

"Okay. Thanks for telling me. I feel better."

"That's good," Leon said.

"So what's the deal with Esthar, anyway?"

"I have no idea."

"Seriously? You _are_ from there, yeah?"

"Yeah. I just don't pay attention to things I don't care about. I left as soon as I could."

"What did your parents say?"

"I don't have any."

"Oh… sorry."

"It's fine."

Zell didn't say much for a while after that. They reached the city without incident and that's when the blonde became more active again. He yanked Leon to just about every shop they could find within a mile, and rifled through the clothing racks for suitable things for the Carrier to wear. Zell's fashion sense wasn't atrocious (better than Irvine's anyway) but after forty-five minutes of fabric mayhem, Leon was ready to punch the blonde and tell him to fuck off. He was a big boy. He could pick out pants for himself. Zell eventually got the hint and backed off but browsed anyway and found something for him. He came over with it and poked the brunette in the shoulder.

"Fuck no," Leon spat, sending a beaming glare in the blonde's direction where he was holding up a pastel pink shirt. Zell laughed.

"Oh come on! Humor me!"

"You wear it."

"No way."

"Then why the hell would I?"

"Because it'll be funny. My mom forced me into a couple of these when I was younger. Whenever I would get angry at her, she would yell at me and tell me that I can wear whatever I wanted because we were free and allowed to do so. She just never got the hint that I didn't want to."

"I'm sorry for your misfortune. Good thing you're not my mother. I'm not putting it on."

"Yeah okay fine," Zell laughed and went to put the shirt back. Leon sighed and rolled his eyes.

Purchases were made and the pair decided to find lunch. Leon managed to find something in town he could eat while Zell inhaled whatever part of his meal he _didn't_ eat. The blonde kept a suspicious eye on him the entire meal but didn't ask questions. They strapped Leon's bags to Binky's saddle and headed back towards the school. They made it back with minimal conversation and no damage.

"You made it sound like there was going to be a wave of things out to eat me if I went out there by myself," Leon said flatly. Zell grinned at him.

"Monsters don't generally go after you if you're riding a chocobo."

"Well then why the fuck did you insist on coming?"

"Because I wanted to clear the air."

"Sneaky bastard," Leon muttered.

"Was it really that painful? I had fun."

"…No, it was fine."

"See? Socializing is fun," Zell said with a laugh.

* * *

The Garden had an enormous library stuffed to brim with books on just about anything Leon could think of. The Carrier nearly peed himself when he discovered it and tore through the catalog to find texts about Esthar and Balamb. With an armful of books and several strange looks following him, he retreated to his room to immerse himself. Being able to hold a book and read it in Plane 087 seemed like such a novelty. He spread out on the couch comfortably and tuned out the rest of the world for almost three hours before he remembered he should probably use the bathroom and maybe get a glass of water. After that, when he came back for his second round, he was interrupted by a knock on his door. He answered begrudgingly and was surprised to find the girl with the black hair he had seen with Seifer in front of him. She held out a file for him.

"Hi. Headmaster Cid wanted me to give this to you," she said. Her voice was light and airy, but warm. He flipped through the papers in the file briefly.

"Are you like… his secretary or something?" he asked idly.

"Sort of. My boyfriend's the head of the Disciplinary Committee and so I'm a member too, though I usually sit upstairs when I have the time and file the write-up slips and keep all the paperwork in line. So… here I am. Handling more paperwork," she said with a smile.

"Okay. Thanks for the delivery," Leon said and stepped back into the room, dismissing the rest of the conversation. When he was out of the way of the door's motion sensor, it tried to slide shut but the girl on the other side stopped it with her hand, causing it to bounce back open like an elevator door.

"Wait," she said. He looked at her with a raised brow. "I wanted to apologize too."

"For what?"

"For Seifer."

"You don't need to. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Well, I still feel bad. I already apologized to Zell too. I could've tried to stop him from starting something, but I didn't even try," she said with a tiny sigh.

"Apology not accepted," Leon said flatly. Her jaw dropped and she furrowed her brows together. "I told you. You didn't do anything wrong. He's old enough to be here and put his life on the line for his country, he should take responsibility for himself outside of that as well."

"Well you're probably not going to get an apology from him. Ever," she said grumpily.

"Oh well. There are worse things in life. I don't agree with making others cover for me. It's cowardly. People like that aren't worth my time."

"He's not a coward."

"Of course he is. Why else would he hide behind so much bravado?"

"Because he's prideful."

"Being prideful is being proud of yourself. If you have to go around and take everyone down so you feel they're below you, you obviously don't hold yourself on a high enough pedestal. Even if he has some pride and is arrogant, the simple fact that he feels he needs to insult and instigate speaks volumes about his lack of character and self worth," Leon said, eyes empty of emotion. The girl scrunched her brows together.

"You have a serious acid tongue on you, you know that?" she asked, sounding insulted. Leon shrugged.

"This is all stemming from personal observation. So far, I've learned that the people here really like to pass judgment and rumors around. Maybe if Seifer is aware of the way people perceive him, he'll give enough of a damn to change. But I'm not going to wait for him to do it. So… sorry. Your boyfriend is a dick."

"Apparently so are you."

"Not on purpose. I'm just overly honest. He hasn't exactly given me anything nice to say about him," Leon said, going to sit on his couch again. The girl didn't have a response and looked thoughtful as she stared at his floor. When she hesitated in his doorway for a few minutes without saying anything, Leon sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Sorry if I insulted you. What he does doesn't give me the impression you're a bad person or that you're the same. I wasn't trying to make a preemptive analysis of your personality or anything."

"I'm not insulted. I mean… maybe a little because he _is_ my boyfriend but I can't deny that it's all true," she said. The door started to beep, yelling at her to get out of the doorway and to let it close. She invited herself in and took one of the stools at the little table across from the couch. Leon raised a brow but didn't say anything.

"Is he like that to everyone? Or just people who stand up against him?" he asked.

"Everyone mostly."

"Even you?"

"He's not mean to me, if that's what you're asking. He's just… pushy."

 _Whatever that means_ , Leon told himself. "There's someone for everyone, I guess. I'm glad you're happy with him."

"Yeah," she said half-heartedly.

"Or was that a false assumption on my part?"

"I'm not sure," she admitted. He raised his brows but decided not to ask. It wasn't his place. He refocused on the papers. He had a schedule, as well as his blood test results which were clean; as expected. He was cleared to take his combat assessment in the morning and after that he would have to get his picture taken for his ID. Other than that though, he was all set to start his classes the following Monday. It was a relief on his part and he let out a satisfied sigh and set the folder aside. When he looked back at the girl, she had her chin propped up on the heel of her hand on the table with a distant thoughtful look on her face. He considered prying, but quickly decided against it. He really didn't want to know. So, he returned to his book.

 _I wonder at what point it becomes socially acceptable to say 'go away, I didn't want you in here in the first place',_ he asked himself. After another fifteen minutes of uncomfortable silence, she sighed.

"Sorry, I should probably get back. You just… made me think a lot more than I had been. Sorry for invading your room," she said. He shrugged his indifference and didn't make an effort to see her out. She went to the door and stopped for a second before looking back to him. "Can I have your name?" she asked.

"Squall."

"I'm Rinoa."

"Nice to meet you. Officially."

"Yeah. You too."

"Thanks for the delivery," he said, finally glancing up from his book. She nodded.

"No problem."

* * *

"Hold on… wait," Cloud said, fumbling around with the tripod. Somewhere along the line, the pair had acquired a camera. Leon didn't think they had actually purchased it, since cameras were expensive, but a rental served the purpose just as well. Aerith was overly amused with Cloud's clumsy fiddling with the device and sat on the bench in front of the beds of wildflowers giggling at him. The blonde scowled as he tried to get it to sit straight and stay in place. He spent a while moving it, stepping back, looking through it, then moving it again. He eventually got to where he was satisfied, set the timer, and skittered over to sit with Aerith. The picture snapped and popped out the bottom the camera. Aerith went to go get it and came back to the bench.

"It's nice," she said quietly, looking at the little square in her hands. Cloud leaned over her shoulder and took a peek.

"Yeah," he said. Aerith set it in her lap with a sigh. "What's wrong?"

"I don't want just a picture," she said sadly. She turned to look at him, eyes already glassy and threatening a torrent of tears. Cloud's expression fell and he hugged her quickly.

"Please don't cry anymore," he begged.

"I can't help it," she said, her speech muffled by his shirt.

 _Why the fuck do I even bother watching anymore? All I'm getting out of this is one kick to the balls after another_ , Leon asked himself. He held his face in his hands, Aerith's pitiful sniffling reverberating in his skull like some sort of dysfunctional funeral hymn. He felt like garbage.

"I know. But I wanted a picture of just you to take with me and I don't want it of you crying," Cloud said.

"Okay," she said, sitting back and wiping her eyes. Her hands shook as she picked at her dress and smoothed it back into place. They sat together quietly until she had calmed down enough to take a reasonably happy-looking photograph. Cloud didn't bother with the tripod that time around and held the camera himself. He snapped the photo, grabbed it when it popped out, and went to sit with her again. He held the picture at arm's length and smiled cockily at her.

"Everyone's going to be jealous of me. They're all going to ask me who the babe in the picture is and I get to tell them that she's mine," he said. Aerith's cheeks turned bright pink and she picked at her fingers shyly. He smiled and purposefully leaned against her, slowly putting more pressure on her and forcing her to bend under the force until she finally gave in and looked at him. When she did, he kissed her nose and sat up normally again. Embarrassment pushed aside, she welcomed herself to lean against his shoulder comfortably.

"I don't want to be by myself," she said after a few moments of silence. He laid his cheek against her hair.

"You won't be. You said they're going to bring a couple kids with them, yeah?"

"It's not the same."

"But it'll keep you distracted and busy. The time will fly by before you know it."

"So you say."

"That's right. So I say."

"You say it like it's going to be easy."

"Aerith… I'm trying to help you. I'm completely aware of how much this is going to suck but one of us has to be positive otherwise we'd both be crying and miserable. I want to see you as happy as possible as much as I can before I go, okay?" he said, pulling away and making eye contact with her. She looked away, contemplating, before she nodded and looked down at her hands again.

"How many pictures do we have left?" she asked. He handed the camera off to her and she clicked the various buttons trying to find out. Half of the exposures they had were used by Cloud's stupidity with the device. Leon was sure they had a few too many pictures of the blonde's nostrils.

"Well?" Cloud asked.

"Just a couple."

"What did you want pictures of?" he asked. She thought about it and looked to him with a tiny smile.

"I think… if we go inside, I can figure it out," she said. Cloud raised a brow.

"Inside? It's brighter out here though."

"We have lights inside, too."

"Well yeah, but I thought the point was the flowers—"

"Cloud?"

"Hmm?"

"Go inside and take your pants off," she said flatly. The blonde was surprised and stared at the girl for over a minute trying to figure out if she was serious or not. She eventually gave his shoulder a shove towards the house and he took the hint and wandered back inside with her. Aerith, camera in hand, giggled loudly before closing the door behind them. Leon sighed and held his face in his hands.

_Don't they ever stop?_

* * *

Leon was not looking forward to his combat assessment. Physical abuse and causing death were not high on his priority list, to say the least. Plus, any show of strength was sure to alienate him even more. He trudged around the halls, attempting to find the right place he was supposed to be with little success. He knew there was a training area and that it was by the gym, but he couldn't remember where that was for the life of him. He ended up taking a seat on a bench in one of the halls and sighing as he thought long and hard about his surroundings. His thought processes were abruptly disturbed when someone plopped next to him and leaned against him. He looked over to find huge blue eyes framed in walnut colored ski jump hair staring up at him.

"Hi again!" Selphie squeaked. He hadn't missed that voice in the least.

"Hi."

"Why so down?"

"I'm not."

"You sure seem like it."

"I'm frustrated. It's different."

"Why so frustrated?"

"This place is a maze," Leon said grumpily.

"Yeah it is. Where do you need to go? I might know."

"Wherever the combat assessments are."

"Oh! I know where that is!" she said happily and jumped up from her seat and tugged on his arm. She yanked him down the hall and into the main convergence area with the elevators. She hurried along down another hallway until they met a series of tables where there were students taking information. Leon gave his to them and they handed him some more paperwork and a pen and sent him inside. Selphie tagged along next to him, jabbering on about things he didn't care to listen to. He ignored her for the most part and only grunted where he felt it was appropriate. He was more concerned with the training area itself.

It reminded him of an ecosystem dome. It looked to be a fully functional indoor jungle. Trees and plants stretched far up into the air before disappearing into the dark behind the light fixtures. The floor was concrete covered in dirt and mulch with a path scraped away. There were fences and things blocking off big chunks of the landscape with ponds and water features spread out amongst them intermittently. Vines and branches hung down and rocks and logs littered the ground making some areas more difficult to traverse than others. All in all, it looked to Leon more like a jungle that had grown to overcome an industrial park. There was visible signs of manmade structures littered throughout; covered in mosses and lichens. He couldn't focus on it too long though.

"You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?" barked Seifer. Leon had hardly a second to react before the other's fist collided with the side of his face, sending him backpedaling. He would've been able to stay on his feet, but Selphie happened to be in his way and they tripped over one another, sending them both into the dirt.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Leon roared back at him. He quickly scooted off Selphie and helped pull her up. The Carrier could do much else to help her as he was pulled into Seifer's face by the front of his shirt and shaken.

"You just couldn't stay away! You had to gawk at her and then make a move, huh?" the blonde sneered, giving the Carrier another shake. He didn't give Leon a chance to respond before he reared back and landed another punch right into the bridge of the brunette's nose. He hadn't applied nearly enough force to break anything, but Leon's nose did spurt a fountain of blood down his face. He had absolutely no idea what prompted it all but his human side stepped aside for a moment and let his Totem's instincts leak through. Suddenly there was another male in his territory, threatening his dominance, and he just couldn't have that. It didn't compute.

There was no kicking, or punching, or flailing around. Leon simply grabbed onto the wrists holding him in place, dug his fingertips into the tendons fastening Seifer's wrist and hand together and squeezed. Pressing on those tendons on a relaxed hand and wrist is enough to make the fingers curl inward involuntarily, but crushing them rendered Seifer's grasp virtually useless. Once he was let go, Leon immediately pulled his fist back and shoved it straight into the blonde's jaw. Seifer was floored with a loud pained cry. The squealing wail that came from him afterward sounded almost inhuman. His jaw was broken and hung from the bottom of his face unhealthily. Once he realized what he had done, Leon stopped himself and didn't advance any further. He pulled up the bottom of his shirt and wiped at his nose. It was ruined.

People crowded around them both, including the girl with the eye patch and the large dark skinned guy Seifer had been seen traveling with when Leon first saw them. Selphie tried to get the Carrier to show her his nose, but he insisted he was fine. There was such a sudden whirlwind of activity around them, he could hardly focus. People were throwing questions at him left and right, overwhelming him with anxiety and sudden claustrophobia. He shoved himself through the crowd and hurried further into the training center, finding a few trees to sit behind, hoping for some peace. He felt awful. His nose was the least of his concerns, though. For as much as Seifer may have deserved the retaliation, Leon couldn't get past the idea that he had lost control. Because of his ineptitude, he seriously hurt someone. The guilt was more overwhelming than the crowd of people. He balanced his elbows on his knees and held his face in his hands as he tried to pull himself together.

"Are you alright?" chimed a familiar voice. Leon looked up from his hands to see Rinoa sit in front of him, her brow creased in concern.

"I'm fine," he said flatly.

"You're sure? You left really quickly."

"I'm sure. I just needed to not be bombarded by people for a minute."

"Should I leave?"

"No, I'm over it," he lied.

"Okay good because I wanted to explain."

"Explain what?"

"Why he started it. I broke up with him."

"Okay…"

"When he asked why, I told him I had been thinking a lot lately, which I have. He asked me what changed and then I mentioned that you and I had talked and… he sort of took it to the extreme. I really didn't say anything other than 'we had a conversation' but he's… paranoid or something. I don't know."

"Possessive," Leon corrected for her.

"That too. I'm really _really_ sorry. I knew he was mad, but he's only gotten physical with someone maybe once before. He yells a lot, but he's really not a violent person. I didn't think he'd start something."

"He must have cared for you a lot, then," he said. Rinoa pulled her knees to her chest and rested her chin on them.

"I guess? I don't know. I told you that he's not mean to me, and it's true, but he's a completely different person once we're around other people. Like he's showing me off. Which… is sort of flattering but then he would blank out when we're alone, like I was just there and not someone he wanted to interact with. We talked and stuff but not much else besides that except the occasional kiss. We didn't really do anything together, go out, see people, anything."

 _Why are you telling me this?_ Leon asked her silently. He was almost afraid to be by himself with one person anymore. Between Rinoa and Reno, the over sharing was a bit much. The silence that followed the girl's confession made the air awkward. Leon pushed a piece of mulch around idly.

"Sorry," Rinoa muttered.

"It's fine. I just don't know what to tell you."

"I don't really know either. How's your nose?" she asked. He tried to inhale through it, found he couldn't, and touched the side of it.

"Tender and swollen. How's his jaw?"

"…Gross."

"Oh."

"But it's okay. They're going to fix him up and he'll be alright in a few."

"Oh yes. That… healing shit happens here," Leon muttered to himself, running his fingers through his hair

"Does Esthar not have healing?" Rinoa asked, quirking a brow at him. Leon didn't have an answer for her.

"How did you know where I was from? I didn't tell you."

"Everyone knows. I also happened to deliver a bunch of information-filled papers to you, if you remember. I may have peeked."

"That sounds… slightly illegal."

"It is," she said with a shrug. Leon raised a brow. He decided he didn't care after a second and let it slide. All the information in those files about him was incorrect anyway.

"Okay well… I'm glad he's okay. I'm going to go back to my room," he said, wanting nothing more than to bury himself in a hole somewhere.

"Wait," she said, putting a hand on his arm and stopping him from standing. She looked unsure and chewed on the inside of her lip. "Do you think you'd like to go out and get coffee sometime?" she asked. Leon had no idea what to make of her request and didn't have the mentality to think about it. He needed quiet; time to gather himself.

"I don't think so," he said as politely as he could.

"W-why not?" she asked, sounding worried.

"Do you really need to ask? Your ex just attacked me for having a conversation with you. 'Going to get coffee' probably equates to 'wanton fucking' in his mind and I'd really like my innards to stay inside me, thanks," Leon spat.

"Okay," She clipped. She took her hand off his arm and he was quick to exit from behind the trees. He half expected her to follow after him and head in the other direction, or something that would indicate she _wasn't_ going to sit back there and mope all day. But she didn't, and it picked at him. He felt like he had stomped her into the ground by rejecting her and it took him all of two minutes to turn to mush and go back to see what her problem was. He poked his head through the trees again. She hadn't moved and was still hugging her knees and staring at the mulch emptily. He sighed.

"Are you going to stay back here all day?" he asked impatiently.

"Until I'm sure everyone's gone, yes," she said.

"…Why would everyone else matter?"

"Because being Seifer's girlfriend is damaging. I have yet to get anyone to like me because he's always around and no one ever separates him from me. So I'm waiting for everyone to leave because I don't want any more extra attention because of him."

"I didn't lump you two together."

"Not in a personality way, but he still influenced your decision. It's okay. I understand. You're completely right. He would probably get _really_ pissed if we did anything together. Talking like we are now is probably enough to toss him off the deep end again," she said, looking up at him and giving him a docile face. Leon furrowed his brows.

"Are you afraid of him?" he asked.

"I'm not afraid that he'd hurt me or harm me physically, but I'm afraid of his words. Even if he's a dick, and only has a couple of _real_ friends, everyone listens to him."

"I don't think he gives anyone the choice," Leon said. She gave a curt laugh.

"That's part of it," she said. A short silence fell between them as the Carrier stewed in his thoughts. He resonated with Rinoa a little. Being social outcasts because of things they couldn't control probably wasn't the best basis to start a friendship over, but Leon really wanted someone he could related to. Even if she wasn't a Carrier, and her relationship with Seifer was probably more than he wanted to deal with, he couldn't deny that he knew exactly how she felt. Hardly anyone was lining up to spend time with him, either. All of his encounters so far had been by chance.

"Come on," he said, holding his hand out for her. She gave him a quizzical look.

"What?"

"You want coffee, right? I need to change my shirt, and I don't drink it, but I can go with you to get some if you want me to," he said. He couldn't decide if he was going to regret his decision or not. She stared at him with mild shock before she grabbed his hand and helped herself stand. She smiled.

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's go!"


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

Leon spent a good forty-five minutes icing his nose before he changed his shirt and met Rinoa in the student café in the back of the cafeteria. His entire face hurt and he really didn't want to hang out with her by that point, but he had to keep his word; it's just wasn't a choice to him. Every pair of eyes he walked past felt like they were burning holes into him. He fought past the desire to find a cave on a remote island to live in for the rest of his life and plopped down at the table with Rinoa. She already had her coffee and it was half empty. She smiled

"I didn't think you were coming," she said.

"Sorry. Had to get my nose back to a manageable size," Leon muttered. The swelling had gone down for the most part. Now all that was left was the possible bruising.

"I'm really sorry about all of that."

"I thought we've already been over the whole apologizing thing."

"I know, but its a habit."

"Well you can stop doing it now that you and Seifer aren't together."

"I was like this before Seifer."

"Oh?" Leon asked, interest mildly piqued. Rinoa's expression fell and she stared down into her coffee. "You don't have to tell me," he corrected.

"I'm just afraid you'd change your opinion of me," she admitted.

"We've know each other for all of an hour total between yesterday and today. I don't have an opinion other than you apologize too much."

"Promise me you won't judge?" she asked.

"Uh, I'm not entirely sure I want to know anymore."

"Well it's either you hear it from me or hear it from someone else eventually. You're not the only one with rumors flying around about you," she said. Leon sighed.

"Okay. I promise I won't judge," he said. _Unless of course you make a hobby of stomping kittens._

"My father is Fury Caraway."

"Pretend I don't know who that is."

"…Do you not live on this planet?"

"I don't pay attention much, sorry."

"You're serious?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yes."

"That's… actually sort of refreshing. Okay, well, he's the General in charge of the Galbadian military."

"And that's bad?" Leon asked.

"It wasn't until he started taking bribes from Midgar. He…" Rinoa trailed, face turning ashamed. "Long story short: he assassinated the President, Vinzer Deling, and handed the country over to Midgar."

"Holy fuck," Leon blurted before he could stop himself. Rinoa's posture sagged.

"As you can imagine, I don't exactly have many friends."

"But you're here. It's not like you're still over there doing what he says, right?"

"Even if I wanted to, I couldn't follow him. He's dead. Once Midgar got what they wanted, everything that held a mild allegiance to Balamb was… disposed of. My entire family history was dragged through the mud. I even had my last name changed to my mother's to try and get away but a lot of people know my face and… the reputation followed me. I've been apologizing for years," she said, taking a sip of her coffee. Leon was genuinely surprised she wasn't in tears. She obviously wasn't happy, but she wasn't broken enough to fall to pieces in front of him.

"Damn. I feel like an ass for thinking my issues were bad," he admitted sarcastically. "But the fact that you're here, instead of there, speaks volumes about where your allegiance lies."

"Well, I didn't have much of a choice. My mother took me here, to the city, when I was twelve and I didn't really understand for several years afterward, but the worry and the upset made her really sick. She died a couple years ago and I've been here at the Garden ever since. I met Seifer here and… blah blah blah… you get where I'm going with this. I didn't fully understand what happened until I got here though."

"So… you live here? Like permanently?"

"Right. I'm not a student," she said. "My parents and Headmaster Cid were good friends, as you can imagine with the whole military thing, so he did my mother a favor and promised to take care of me if anything happened to her."

"Interesting," was all Leon could think of in response. Rinoa shrugged.

"He and his wife Edea can't have children so they're more than generous with the parenting. I'm grateful, even if it hurts to stay here some days."

"At least you're safe. That's always a bonus."

"Yeah. That's true," Rinoa agreed. The conversation petered out after that and they shared a sort of melancholic silence between them. The girl finished her coffee and set her mug aside. Leon mostly paid attention to the floor, mind lost in a sea of thoughts. For as bad as Rinoa's story was, Leon couldn't help but think most of it was a good thing. Good for him, anyway. Had Rinoa's father not royally screwed over Galbadia, then Midgar would've never come in and drafted Sam. Sam wouldn't have met Anna, and as a result there wouldn't have been a Cloud. It was a roundabout bittersweet logic. What was bad for Rinoa and the rest of Balamb, worked out for him just fine. At any rate, Leon couldn't fall in line with the majority and hate the girl simply because her family made mistakes. Then again, he could just be a know-nothing foreigner.

"You don't seem like a bad person to me," Leon said finally. Rinoa looked to him.

"Thank you for saying so."

"I need to take my assessment," he said. She nodded and stood.

"Do you remember where to go?"

"No idea."

"I'll walk you there."

* * *

The training center hadn't settled down very much in the couple hours Leon had been missing. The gossip circles were abuzz with excited murmuring that tripled in volume when he made his appearance. Rinoa followed him just about everywhere he went, which only made the problem worse. The Carrier was trying his best to keep out of the public eye but with the girl practically clinging to his personal space, it was nigh impossible. She didn't say anything, just stayed one step behind him. Leon was bothered by it. He was okay with talking to her, but he wasn't looking for a shadow.

"You're Squall, yes?" came an unfamiliar female voice. Leon looked over and was met with a stoic azure gaze. She was young, too young to be an instructor in his opinion, but her SeeD uniform depicted otherwise. It took him a second, but he recognized her from one of the pamphlets about the school he had flipped through. He didn't know her name, but her beautiful face and strawberry blonde hair were iconic. She wore it pulled back and folded into a neat oblong bun with the ends protruding out of the top with excess longer pieces loose and falling to either side of her face in the front. She pushed her glasses further up her nose and gave him a tiny, almost insignificant, smile.

"Uh… yes?" Leon blurted stupidly. Behind his back, Rinoa was scowling.

"Come with me. Rinoa, you stay here," the woman said, peeking around Leon's side and giving the girl serious eyes. Rinoa didn't say anything but backed off. Leon followed the other further into the training center. "I've heard a lot about you. I was the one that healed Seifer after your little rendezvous earlier. The damage was impressive," she said over her shoulder as they walked. Leon sighed and ran his hand through his hair.

"Not my proudest moment," he muttered.

"I wouldn't worry too much about it. Physical harm isn't as much as an issue in this institution as it is in some other places. Now, had you attacked him and injected some sort of virus into him, then it'd be a different story."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, it's easy to heal a broken jaw. You can't heal diseases or things of that sort. You need to cure them, and curing is different from healing. Eden doesn't assist us with curing diseases. They're her method of natural selection, after all."

"Oh," Leon said. _Like this world needs any more dead people_.

"At any rate, your strength is impressive. I'm not above the gossip pool but I'm also well informed. I'm glad to hear it's not all chemically induced like my superiors thought it was," she said. They rounded a corner together and stopped in an open area where there were several weapon racks set up in a line. There were numerous blades, guns, whips, chains, bows, fat bludgeoning things, and some other indiscernible thingamajigs the Carrier would've rather not dealt with. He automatically hated every single one of them simply because of their purposes.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked unenthusiastically. She turned to him and raised a brow.

"Well first I wanted to introduce myself. My name is Quistis Trepe."

"Hi. You already know my name," Leon deadpanned. _Please don't make me tell you it. It's so awful._

"Yes. You seem… less than thrilled to be here."

"That's because I am."

"I don't expect you to enjoy fighting, you know."

"Good. Because I really don't want to."

"That's good. It says a lot about your personality. Good things. Too often we get students that come here only because they feel they have to or they're here to 'make Midgar pay' or some other nonsense."

"Well what other reasons are there?" Leon asked.

"Patriotism is a good reason to sign up. Defending your country because you love it isn't a bad thing. Vengeance, obligation, peer pressure, these things breed doubt. We can't afford hesitation on the battlefield. It's a double edged sword though, because we don't encourage anyone to take pleasure in hurting another but we want our students to be happy about being here. Sort of hypocritical if you think about it."

"What's the point of training for the military if you discourage the students?"

"We don't do it with the intent of demeaning anyone. But we have to be realistic. This war has been going on for so long that its original purpose has been lost. Students who join us with misguided intentions shouldn't be deceived into fighting a pointless battle. We aren't fighting to destroy or stop Midgar anymore. We're defending ourselves and giving our people as much time as we possibly can. Any other reason is foolish."

"Why do you continue if it's hopeless?" Leon asked. Quistis' expression turned thoughtful for a moment.

"A lot of people ask me that, and I have yet to give anyone a concrete answer. My personal belief is that we're doing it out of habit, out of fear, possibly even pride, but even then I can't say that it's an accurate assumption. We've gone long past the point of stopping though. It should've ended long ago."

"Glad we agree."

"Knowing all this, do you still want to be here?"

"I don't want to be here. I need to be."

"Why is that?"

"Because I need the resources you provide. I need to get to Midgar without actually becoming a part of its society. I… don't think I'd be able to handle living like they do," the Carrier admitted. Quistis raised a brow.

"I'll be honest and say that your reasoning is new to me. What's in Midgar?"

"…Part of my family."

"I was under the impression that you were from Esthar."

"I am, but the one I'm looking for is in Midgar. And this is the best way I can see to get over there."

"Once you find this person, are you telling me you're going to defect over to Midgar's side?"

"No. I plan on bringing him with me," Leon said. The conversation was quickly turning awkward as he realized how strange all of it sounded to an outsider. He wished he hadn't said anything. Quistis seemed a little confused still.

"And once you're back here… what do you plan on doing?"

"I'm… not sure. I haven't gotten that far," Leon said. He was lying. He knew full well that he would hightail it back to the Shumi village with Cloud as soon as possible. Whether or not they made a pit stop in Balamb was irrelevant.

"But your allegiance is with us?"

"Yes."

"You understand that if you turn against us, it gives us fair ground to eliminate you."

"…Yes."

"Good. So long as you remember that, we shouldn't have a problem. Even if I don't understand or agree with your mentality, I can't toss you out because of it. I just hope it doesn't create problems for us."

"I won't betray you," Leon said. _Unless leaving counts as treachery, in that case, sorry in advance._

"I should hope not," Quistis said. She turned to the weapon racks. "Does anything catch your eye?"

"Half this stuff looks like something you'd find in an S&M smut video," the Carrier blurted before he could stop himself. He slapped a hand over his mouth and gave the woman apologetic eyes. She laughed.

"There is good amount of leather isn't there?" she said, patting her side where a tightly coiled whip was fastened to her belt. Leon was thankful she had a sense of humor.

"None of it really grabs by attention other than the recognition. I've never held any of it before so I have to learn it all from scratch anyway. So… just pick something for me," he said.

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Like I said, I don't want to fight. But I have to."

"Fair enough," she said. She approached the rack that held a bevy of swords and pointed to the widest and heaviest looking one. "Can you lift this?" she asked. Leon went to her and grabbed the hilt and lifted it easily.

"Should I not be able to?" he asked. It was weighty, he would admit, but not so heavy that he couldn't hold it with one hand. It was rather awkward and he'd need to use both hands to wield it with any sort of proficiency, but just to hold it, one hand was enough.

"I wasn't sure. That's a sixty pound blade. Hardly anyone can just yank it off the rack like that without any sort of strain or falter."

"Does this thing have a trigger?" Leon asked abruptly, ignoring the woman's previous statement completely. The end of the blade was fashioned to be an oversized gun barrel similar to a revolver, the handle of which made the hilt with the trigger underneath. It was the most impractical weapon Leon could come up with and he didn't see any reason why it would be effective outside of it being big and pointy and threatening.

"Yes it does. That's a Gunblade."

"How aptly named. Does that mean if I strap a machete to a chainsaw I get a chain-chete? Because that could be equally as asinine and just as terrifying."

"…You know, mocking our methods isn't really the best way to get on anyone's good side," Quistis said flatly. Leon tried to stifle any excess humor he had wriggling inside him.

"Sorry."

"No you're not."

"You're right. But I honestly don't see how faceting a gun to the end of an obnoxiously heavy blade is going to make a better weapon."

"It doesn't function like a normal firearm. You can't aim and shoot it with any sort of predictable accuracy. It's meant for point blank last-option situations. Soldiers who use this have the added impact of pulling the trigger. It's a superior weapon to a normal sword because it takes more skill to wield and it causes more damage. We have regular blades if you wish to use those."

"I haven't decided. But if you can't aim it, what's the point?"

"It doesn't use normal ammunition like some of the other guns. It discharges… well the only similar thing I can compare it to would be a firecracker or something like that. They're combustion rounds that explode on impact."

"Oh. How pleasant. Not only do I get to stab people but while I'm at it, I get to disembowel them too. Wonderful," Leon said sarcastically. Quistis scowled and sighed.

"Like I said, it's a last resort sort of thing. It only holds eight rounds and it discharges two at a time, one from either side. If you're down on the ground and about to be overwhelmed, this is a decent alternative to being mauled. Gunblade users are on the front lines so it's not an unlikely scenario."

"The front lines?" Leon questioned, mostly repeating the words for his own benefit. He tried to make a quick decision on how he felt about that. Being on the front lines was more dangerous but it also meant he had less people to push through when he went to find Cloud. He still hadn't figured out a way to find the blonde once he got there, and he didn't know if they would actually meet in the battlefield in the first place, but that wasn't the issue. He couldn't let himself focus on that yet.

"I can't tell if you find that appealing or not," Quistis said with a disbelieving inflection.

"Sorry. I'm thinking too much. It doesn't really matter where I am, ultimately. Which weapon has the highest need? I'll just… take a place somewhere where I can be the most useful."

"You're holding it," she said, motioning to the Gunblade.

"Of course," he sighed.

"You're sure that's what you want?"

"Yeah… what's the difference?"

"I guess if you have no experience to start with, there isn't much of a difference is there?"

"Not really," Leon said, looking down at the weapon. He turned it from side to side in his hand with a tiny sigh. Quistis patted him on the shoulder.

"No one is forcing you to be here. I know you feel you can use us to help you achieve… whatever it is you need to do but maybe this isn't for you. Maybe you should reconsi—"

"No. I have to be here. I have to try. Just… try to forget I even said anything. I'm here to stay. That's all you have to worry about."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay," Quistis said, dismissing the rest of the conversation. "I need to take some measurements, assess your strength, run a few simple drills and then we'll be done. We need these statistics so we can get you a blade that is tailored to you, has the right balance, and gives you the most fluid use. Okay?"

"Yeah," Leon said unenthusiastically.

"Do me a favor and don't make me feel like I'm torturing you the entire time, please."

"Sorry. It's just… everything's sort of sinking in. I'm a little overwhelmed. I don't mean to be a downer."

"Alright. Well… so long as we can get started and head in the right direction, we can work on the rest. Let's begin."

* * *

Leon landed face first on his bed with an exhausted grunt. He may have had unparalleled strength, but that didn't necessarily mean he was in shape. Sitting on one's duff for twenty-five years studying and stalking horny blondes wasn't the best way to exercise. After an hour of strenuous testing under Quistis' watchful eye, he felt like his limbs were going to turn to liquid and ooze away. He couldn't bring himself to move so he lay there for a good twenty minutes. His computer was across from him on his dresser, closed, and ominous. He knew Cloud was leaving in less than a day and he wasn't sure he wanted to watch. Aerith's tears were sure to make him feel awful. Before he could make a decision on what to do, the computer started beeping at him, telling him Reno was trying to get a hold of him. He dragged himself out of the bed to answer.

"Hnng…" he grunted at the device.

"Well! I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. It was good for me too, baby," Reno chuckled.

"What th—how was that in any way sexual?"

"It's what it sounded like on my end."

"It wasn't."

"I know. That's why it's a joke."

"Good."

"Anyway, how're things?" the redhead asked.

"Stressful," Leon said. He knew Reno was going to ask why, so he descended into a rant about everything he had experienced since they last talked. Rinoa, Seifer, his assessments, his physical, the rumors, and his social anxiety problems were all covered. Reno obliged him and listened to everything without making any comments until he was finished. The brunette felt like a prepubescent girl who was spilling her guts into a diary or bitching to her gaggle of equally prepubescent girl friends. Regardless, he felt substantially better after he got it all out.

"I'm surprised you actually told them what you're there for," Reno said.

"Why lie about it?"

"I suppose that's true, but it's bold. I don't think I would've just… said it. I don't know. Maybe I'm weird. Ah well, so tell me more about this girl."

"What about her?"

"You seem to know a decent bit about her."

"Only because she went off on a tangent on me."

"Sure," Reno said, his tone indicating his extreme amount of doubt. Leon ignored it. "What do you think of her, though?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you like her?"

"I guess? I don't really know her."

"Is she cute?"

"I suppose."

"Then it's settled."

"…I don't know if I want you to elaborate."

"You're so sad," Reno sighed.

"Hey!" Leon barked, offended.

"Get your panties out of their knot. I was trying to encourage you to sleep with her."

"Is that all women are to you? Things for you to use and have sex with?"

"Not 'things' but yes, I have sex with them. I know where I'm headed so I can't make a commitment to any of them so… I guess I sort of use them because I have no intention of making a relationship out of a hookup. But it's not like I'm one of those guys that thinks women are beneath me or unsubstantial."

"I should hope not," Leon huffed, crossing his arms over his chest grumpily. Reno sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Whatever. Forget about me for a second. I'm just trying to encourage you because once you get laid I'm sure you'll loosen up and feel _way_ better. It's awesome stress relief. Why do you think Cloud does it so much?"

"Because he's a teenager in love and he has a penis."

"That may be part of it, but I'd be willing to bet he does it primarily because it feels good. Doing things that make you feel good relieves stress. It's just the way things work. Have you ever had that full body feeling of _relief_? Like the weight has been lifted from your shoulders?"

"…No."

"That's a problem. At this point it doesn't matter what you do. I'm just encouraging sex because I know what I like but you could find a hobby or something if you want to. The point is to do _something_ to relieve some of that stress you pile on yourself because I can hear it in your voice, my friend… you're miserable. And that upsets me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. Especially not to me. Just do something for yourself to get you out of this funk. You need something to smile about."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

"Good," Reno sighed in relief. There was a brief pause. "So how is Cloud?"

"He's leaving soon. Like… before today is over," Leon said flatly.

"Not happy?"

"Nervous."

"Understandable. Soldiers came through Gongaga and swept up Rude."

"Shit."

"Yeah. It's okay though. He may be upset but it's good for me; he's headed my way and Chelsea got left behind. The military knows he can read and stuff so it'd probably be a waste to toss him out to fight, so this is where I guess they're going to stuff him into guarding someone. I just have to figure out where so I can meet him there."

"Good luck."

"Thanks. You too. I have to get going. Every second counts but I just wanted to check in real quick."

"Okay."

"Take care of yourself, Leon. Seriously."

"…I will."

* * *

When Leon tuned in again, he was surprised to find Cloud and Aerith not naked. He thought for sure they were going to spend their last moments together with their genitals attached but it was quite the contrary. Cloud was sitting up in bed with his back against the wall. He was awake, but Aerith wasn't. She was wrapped around his torso, using his chest as a pillow and sleeping soundly. The blonde's arms were around her and his hands came to rest on the small of her back with his fingers intertwined, effectively keeping her in place. It was still early, and the sun was just coming up. But judging by the fatigued look on Cloud's face, Leon was willing to bet the blonde hadn't slept. It wasn't long before Cloud couldn't stand it anymore and woke Aerith up so he could move.

Somewhere along the line, Aerith ran out of tears. Leon was okay with that. The mood wasn't any less melancholic though. They did everything but use the bathroom together but they did it all silently. Hardly anything was said the entire morning. There wasn't much else to say, really. Once they checked and rechecked that Aerith had everything she would need for the kids the government was sending her, they rechecked Cloud's luggage. Once that was done, they had nothing else to do. They spent the remainder of their time together on the couch holding each other and being depressing. Leon watched them for so long, his mood dropped right along with theirs and he suddenly felt like he never wanted to get out of bed again.

The activity picked up when there was a knock at the door. That's when Aerith's tears decided to come back. Cloud had to pry himself from the girl in order to answer, and even then, she clung to his arm and followed him. Barret was the one behind the door, which surprised everyone. He had two children with him, which was even more surprising. There was a young girl who looked to be around five years old standing next to him and holding on to one of his fingers. The other was an even younger boy who was using the man's arm as a seat and was taking a snooze against his shoulder.

"Hey you two," the man said with a tiny smile.

"Hi…" the couple trailed in tandem.

"You ready?" Barret asked.

"No," Aerith answered for them.

"Probably not, and if I could keep you both out of it, I would. Believe me. I had to put in a lot of paperwork so that I could be the one to come here instead of some random military jug heads. I'm trying to help you out as much as I can. I owe Natalie that much."

"It's just you?" Cloud asked. Barret nodded.

"Just me. Well, and these two," he said, nudging both children.

"I'm surprised they're not babies," Aerith said.

"It's never a good idea to dump a bunch of infants on a new foster mother who has no experience. The government isn't that stupid."

"I feel better about this, then," the girl said. Barret invited himself inside. The little girl stayed glued to his side though. The boy didn't care and kept sleeping.

"This is Marlene and Denzel. They were found in the capitol and were apparently had in secret. Their mothers were hiding and… you can probably imagine what happened to them," Barret explained, wiggling his finger out of Marlene's grasp and urging her to go make acquaintances. She didn't make an effort to and ducked behind the man's leg. Barret sighed and handed Denzel off to Cloud so he could finagle the girl away from himself. Denzel didn't seem to mind and promptly started drooling on the blonde's shoulder. Barret eventually got Marlene to stand in front of him and face Aerith so they could meet properly. The little girl was not happy in the least and gave Aerith a sour expression.

"Hi Marlene. My name is Aer—" she tried to say as she knelt in front of her. She was cut off when the girl spat directly in her face. The older set was flabbergasted. Marlene didn't give them time to react before she stomped away into the house and took roost behind a sofa. Aerith went to wipe her face on a dish towel.

"She's a little traumatized," Barret muttered apologetically.

"I can imagine," Aerith said. "It's okay. I'm not mad."

"I sort of am," Cloud grumbled. The girl shook her head.

"Don't be. I hate to think about the things she's seen."

"If you insist."

"I do," she said, approaching him and holding her hands out for Denzel. Cloud handed him off and wiped the drool off his arm. Aerith didn't care about the drool and settled the boy against her comfortably. Leon caught the look Cloud was giving the girl. It was a sort of distraught yearning. Leaving was hard, but leaving after seeing Aerith look like mother was even more so. The Carrier didn't doubt that the blonde was contemplating a family right at that moment, even if the thoughts were premature for his age. Then again, if he was old enough to go off and kill someone, he was probably old enough to have a family. Leon didn't have a problem with that desire. He just had to figure out how to redirect that chain of thought into the right kind of family.

"Are you all packed?" Barret asked, pulling Cloud's attention to him. The blonde nodded. "It's time to get going."

"No…" Aerith whined. Barret patted her head.

"We have to."

"I'll be back," Cloud said sadly. Leon could see the disbelief in his eyes.

"But—"

"Please… don't make it harder."

"But Barret said he was going to help us," Aerith said, looking to the man in question. "This isn't helping!"

"Aerith…" Cloud sighed and rubbed his brows.

"I'm going to. Trust me. But I can't disregard this completely. I'd be putting us all at risk if I did that. So we need to go. Don't worry. It'll all work out," Barret assured. He glanced at the blonde. "Say your goodbyes. Where are your bags? I can put them in the car."

"On the other side of the table," Cloud said, motioning to the dining table. Barret peeked around the corner of it and spotted the bags and quickly whisked them outside, leaving the pair alone. Denzel was there still, of course, but he didn't count.

"Promise me you'll come back," Aerith ordered, eyes watering.

"I promise," the blonde said. He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her a few times.

"I'll wait for you," she said. Cloud smiled.

"I'll wait too," he said.

 _Oh boy…_ Leon trailed warily. He hadn't seen any evidence that Mako helped one's celibacy vows.

"I love you."

"I love you too. You wouldn't believe how much I do. Stay safe."

"I could say the same to you, you know. I think you have more to worry about than I do."

"I know but… I still want you to be."

"Okay," Aerith said. They ran out of things to say and ended up standing there staring at each other. They both looked like they would break apart into a million pieces. Barret eventually stuck his face back inside.

"Cloud," he said. The blonde glanced back at him a nodded. He gave Aerith one last kiss before pulling away.

"Bye…" he trailed. Aerith started openly crying, causing Denzel to stir.

 _That kid is going to be horrendously confused,_ Leon thought. The girl couldn't get her vocal cords to operate properly and ended up wobbling outside after Cloud and Barret to see them off. The blonde hurried around to the passenger side of the very box-like car and shoved himself inside. Barret handed off a thick packet of papers to Aerith and took a few seconds to rub her back and try to calm her. Leon took the opportunity to toss his camera in the car. Cloud looked like he was dead. He was slouched so far down in his seat and staring ahead of himself with such hollow and blank eyes, it was worrisome. He didn't sit up when Barret came back. The man didn't say anything to him either and just started the car and headed off. They were out of Nibelheim in less than ten minutes.

"I'm not coming back, am I?" Cloud asked hoarsely. He pushed himself up and sat properly but is face stayed the same.

"Do you want the realistic answer or the one that might make you feel better?" Barret asked.

"I shouldn't have let her think that I am. It's selfish."

"There isn't anything saying that you'll never come back."

_I am._

"I should've told her to move on."

"Oh, now Cloud, don't say th—"

"No! It's true! She…" the blonde stammered. He looked down at his hands and traced the lines of his palm with a fingertip. His eyes started watering and his chin quivered. He suddenly looked like he was ten years old again, afraid and lost.

_Oh god, don't cry. If you cry, then I'll cry, and then everyone will cry and then I'll have to go out and buy us our own daytime soap opera and a box of tampons._

"She's going to wait… and I'm not going to come back… and… and she's going to be all by herself for who knows how long. I don't want her to die alone. She doesn't deserve that," the blonde squeaked as he slowly broke apart and started sobbing. Leon's heart burst into tiny bits as he watched his Charge's adult confidence and bravado chip away and leave behind what Cloud really was: a teenager that was scared out of his mind. The Carrier found himself wanting to do the same thing to the blonde now that he did when he was a baby; lock him in a safe box until it was time to leave. Barret leaned over and draped his arm around the blonde's shoulders and rubbed his arm.

"It'll be alright. I'm going to try my hardest to get you back home. You can't just assume the worst because things look bad. You have to be optimistic if you want to have any sort of positive result," he said. Cloud ignored him and continued on with his self pitying. Leon was about ready to dig himself a hole to hide in. He remembered what Reno said about relieving stress and finding something to do. The suggestion was hitting home for him. He could feel the tension in his shoulders and with no one to talk to, he didn't see an outlet. He let himself zone out as he watched Barret and Cloud's journey through the Nibelheim countryside. The blonde eventually cried himself to sleep and the ride to the airport was silent thereafter.

Cloud didn't talk much while on the plane either. He did get airsick though, which was something Leon had never seen before. But once that was over, he fell asleep again. When they landed, Leon was on the verge of passing out. He was exhausted and watching Cloud sleep was really not the best way to keep him up. He hadn't realized the night had passed and the sun was up again. That is, until someone knocked on his door. He begrudgingly hauled himself out of his bed and plodded through his dorm to answer. It was Rinoa, and when she saw him, she immediately scowled.

"What happened?" she asked.

"I didn't sleep," he deadpanned.

"What? Why not?"

"Distracted."

"Oh. Well I was wondering if you wanted to go to breakfast but I'm guessing you don't."

"Sorry."

"Can we catch up later? I want to know how your assessment went."

"It was fine. Not much to tell. But yeah… catch up later."

"Are you okay?" she asked, squinting and leaning in to give him a scrutinizing look.

"Yeah," he said. He knew full well he probably looked and sounded like the living dead.

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay…" she trailed suspiciously. She hesitated in the doorway, waiting to see if he would take back the refusal. He didn't, and she sighed. "I'll check in on you later. Get some sleep."

"Mhm," he grunted. She waved a bit and left quietly. He watched her leave, Reno's 'encouragement' swirling around in his head like an infection. He shook his head, grumbling to himself about how ridiculous the idea was and headed back to his bed. He could hardly focus on his computer screen; the image was distorting and doubling itself. He set his camera to follow and record Cloud before he settled in for some (hopefully) peaceful sleep.


	26. Chapter 26

**Chapter 26**

Midgar's main training camp was technically a branch off the capitol. It was part of the city even though it was relatively isolated, and rightfully so. The place was terrifying. It was big, dark, pointy, and threatening. The grounds themselves had no grass but had yard after yard of mud and dirt surrounded by paved surfaces that served various purposes instead. The buildings were little more than concrete cubes with holes punched in them for windows and doors. There wasn't anything keeping the elements from getting inside and they reminded Leon of the shacks in city's ghettos, just a little sturdier. Everything else, the facilities, the training grounds themselves, the obstacle courses, the fences surrounding the campus, all had something sharp on it. Barbed wire coiled around any conceivable method of escape, and there were guard towers dotted across the landscape making sure everyone acted as they were supposed to.

It was a prison; a very interment-camp-looking prison.

Through the fence, Leon could see an enormous base stationed in the far distance. The training camp itself was a separate entity than where they kept the actual soldiers who were ready for combat. For the time Cloud would spend at the camp, he wasn't anything more than a malleable glob of clay for the government to beat and mold as they pleased. Leon could see why they wanted sixteen year olds. They were young bodied, but even more so they were still mentally formable. He wondered when his Charge would actually see combat. His view of how the military worked was starting to change. Previously he had thought they just shoved a weapon in the kid's hands and pushed them into line. But apparently not.

Cloud's opinion of the place was obvious before he ever said anything. As soon as Barret pulled in through the gate, the blonde slouched in his seat again and peeked over the side of the door just enough to see out the window. He looked like he was on the verge of shitting himself. Leon didn't blame him; the atmosphere stank of unsavory things and was a stark contrast to the flower-lined hills of Nibelheim. The boys that were already there and wandering around all looked like they had been dragged through a series of thorn bushes and then starved for two weeks. Hardly anyone looked healthy or even soldier-worthy which really worried Leon. Barret seemed just as worried but patted Cloud on the back anyway, hoping to give the blonde a little bit of comfort. He parked them in front of one of the only buildings with windows and a door.

"I don't want to be here," Cloud said when they stopped.

"I know you don't. I don't want you to be, either," Barret sighed.

"How long do I have to stay?"

"Until you prove yourself."

"…What does that mean?"

"You'll understand when your C.O. gets a hold of you. Wait here. I'll be right back," Barret said. He got out of the car and went into the little building. Once he was gone, Cloud let out a pathetic childish whine and held his face in his hands. He was breathing quickly, but trying to calm himself. Leon desperately wanted to crawl through the computer screen and hold him. He felt awful for having such a nice place to live. He'd give up his room if it meant Cloud wouldn't have to stay in that place. Of course, it was unrealistic of him to dwell, but the feelings were there all the same.

There was a sudden ' _thump_ ' against the side of the car that startled Cloud out of the pity party he was throwing himself. There was a pair of hands pressed up against his window in front of a dirty face. The boy was thin, almost sickly, and was out of breath. He had obviously run to the car and the desperate look on his face said that he wasn't supposed to be there. He started excitedly yelling at Cloud through the window. The blonde stared at him, stuck in his place and unable to understand. The boy was from Balamb and wasn't speaking his language, but Leon understood him just fine.

" _Please! Pop the trunk, open the door! Something! I can't stay here anymore!_ " he yelled over and over again, banging on the window in a frantic attempt to gain entry. All the doors were locked, as they did so automatically, but Cloud was too startled and confused to figure out what the problem was. An indiscernible shout came from somewhere that caused the boy to turn and look up and over his shoulder. There was a guard tower several yards behind him and the guard there was obviously talking to him. The boy turned back to Cloud and his speech picked up more fervor. The man in the guard tower yelled again, the voice being too faint for Leon to hear or understand. Hardly fifteen seconds after that, there was a loud ' _bang_ ' and the window exploded.

Cloud screamed in surprise but wasn't hurt. The boy from Balamb, on the other hand, had a hole in his head just above his ear. The bullet had exited out through his cheek and was currently buried in the dashboard of Barret's car. Leon was speechless and gaped at his computer screen as Cloud _freaked_ out and frantically tried to push himself backwards into the driver's seat, away from the bleeding head that was draped in the window. The boy had fallen in the car partially and was stuck in place by his armpits. Leon felt sick to his stomach. All he could do was stare at the blood. Barret was outside again quickly and made it to the car just as Cloud got himself pressed up against the driver's side door. The man unlocked and flung the door open just in time for the blonde to flop out. He crawled a couple feet away and promptly vomited.

"The fuck happened here?" Barret barked angrily. He bent and looked inside the car and swore under his breath. He jogged around the vehicle and yanked the body out of his window by the back of its neck and shoved it aside.

"Sorry about that sir! Send an invoice to General Strahl for the damage!" called the guard from the tower. Barret turned to him.

"The fuck you killing things for, boy?" he yelled.

"Hey! I'm just doing my job! He was trying to escape! Don't blame me for what the bitch can't handle!" the guard called back. Barret let out a grumbling sigh and shook his head. He went back around to the other side of the car and helped Cloud to his feet. The blonde was a shaking traumatized mess and stood there trembling like a leaf and staring hollowly at the ground. There was blood spatter on his face and chest and his hands had been cut from stray glass pieces. Barret quietly ushered him into the building. It was an office. There was a large desk with appropriate office-related supplies and papers scattered everywhere, several file cabinets, a coffee maker, some seating, a door to a bathroom, and a ceiling fan. Not much else was there. The man behind the desk had dark brown hair with graying streaks and looked to have seen a thousand wars.

"Eden's asshole, Barret! Look at this kid! He looks like he's going to sprout angel wings and float away. Look at those girly eyelashes," the man sputtered.

"He doesn't need your shit, Dyne. Are you going to help or not?" Barret grumbled.

"Hey, I have love for you like I love my brother but there is no way I can keep those vultures away from a kid like him. I'm only one man and I have a reputation, a job, and an obligation to this country. I can't risk looking soft and lose control of the situation just because you have a boner for some shrimpy girl-faced kid from the boonies."

"…What?" Cloud croaked, pulling his face from its frightened stare and giving Barret a leery glance. The dark skinned man sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Don't give the kid ideas, jackhole. He's a son to me before he's jailbait."

 _You hardly know him, how is he your son?_ Leon thought. It didn't matter in the end. For all he knew, Barret could just be saying things to get whatever he wanted out of this 'Dyne.'

"Whatever. The point is I can try and keep him in one piece but he still has to do what everyone else does to get out of here. I have no control over what happens after lights out. I'm fairly confident our brood won't touch him but we have faggots from Balamb who are probably desperate for sugary skin like his," Dyne explained. He pushed himself out of his chair and walked around his desk and stood in front of Cloud. The blonde was still out of it and blinked dumbly at the man. "Hey. Wake up and snap out of it, missy. You need to stand straight and walk tall otherwise you're going to be pillow biting by nightfall, you got me?"

"I…what?" Cloud asked stupidly. Barret gently shook his shoulder a bit.

"Listen to him, Cloud. I know what you saw and how much it scared you but you have to push past it in order to keep yourself safe here. I can't stay and be your guardian. Don't let anyone think you have any weaknesses. Alright?" he asked. Cloud blinked a few times, taking the words in and nodded. Barret stepped behind him and pushed on the small of his back and pulled his shoulders, forcing the blonde to stand straighter. He patted his back afterward.

"This is a disaster," Dyne sighed, shaking his head. He stepped back to his desk and took up a folder of papers and flipped through them. "You know how to read, kid?"

"…No," Cloud said flatly, face full of shame.

"Okay. Count?" the man asked.

"Yeah."

 _He does? When the hell did he learn that?_ Leon asked himself confusedly. Then again, he didn't know high his Charge could count. One through ten wasn't that hard to figure out. He did know that Cloud knew how to tell time, so at least there was that much.

"Good. Numbers are more important here anyway. You aren't exactly going to have time to read novels. You know how to drive?"

"No."

"Well you're going to have to learn at some point. Doubtful that you will before you leave here, but you need to all the same," Dyne said, flipping more pages.

_Oh good. Give the kid who can't read the keys to a tank. Perfect plan._

"What am I going to be driving that I need to learn? Doesn't that stuff take a lot of time?" Cloud asked, furrowing his brows together.

"The military likes their vroom-vroom toys a lot, kid. Everyone's been in at least one vehicle over the course of their training but only the really dedicated get to keep what they drive. Having a set of wheels in the battlefield is a huge advantage. You could just mow down people before you even have to lift a finger. Doesn't that sound nice?"

"I guess?"

"Glad to hear it. You know your right from your left, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Then you can learn to drive. Directions and numbers is the basis. No big deal," the man said. He turned and set the open folder on his desk and pushed around some other papers, looking for something. He found an ink pad under one of the piles. "Come here," he said. Cloud did as he was told and the man took his hand and swiped the ink over the blonde's thumb. He tugged Cloud's arm down and squished a thumbprint onto the line at the bottom of a piece of paper. "Well look at that, your paperwork's all sighed," the man said, releasing the blonde's arm. Cloud scowled and stepped back.

 _Glad to see he had a choice at one point_ , Leon scoffed.

"Barret knows where your bunk is. He'll take you there. Someone will be around later to check your bags. Today you don't have to worry about doing anything but getting acclimated. Tomorrow you're up with everyone else though, so savor your lazy time while you have it. I'll keep an eye out for any additional riff raff coming your way, but you are pretty much on your own otherwise. Don't count on me to be there for you. If you think it's getting really bad, just remember that it could be three times worse if I stop watching so don't assume I'm not doing anything. But if you really feel you're being targeted, talk to me. If you do it too often, though, you're going to look weak and then it'll get worse. Understand?" Dyne asked. Cloud nodded. "Alright. I'll see you around. Stand straight. Good luck."

The cabin that Cloud was staying in wasn't much more than a huge room with two rows of bunk beds and a large bathroom. There was no wall separating the bathroom from the sleeping quarters. There was a half-wall that partially hid the toilets, a couple of sinks, and a row of showerheads poised above drains. The complete lack of privacy was startling and made the act of joining the military even more of a punishment; as if being forced to put your life on the line wasn't enough of a kick in the face. When Cloud registered what the room was, he looked to Barret.

"You're not serious. There is no way this is okay. Why do they treat people like this? There aren't even any windows!" the blonde barked.

"This place is a test, Cloud. All of it is. The government doesn't want soldiers that will go off and do their own thing and defy orders. They want to break you and if you don't kill yourself first, that's what's going to happen. There's only two ways to get out of here. Obey or die. If you want to get out of here soon, I suggest you do exactly as they say when they say to do it. Everyone in this country does it. It's the price we pay for our freedoms."

"What freedoms? I've never seen any freedoms! They took me away from my parents and shoved me onto some woman who was _obviously_ sick and dying, and when I'm old enough for the tiniest bit of independence, they take me away from my girl and give me _this_? All because I have a dick? Seriously?"

"You have more freedoms than you think you do."

"Oh like what? Free TV? Who gives a fuck? If that's the only thing they give me then I may as well tell them to fuck off and I'll work for it myself. I don't have a problem with work. I have a problem with being treated like an animal."

"Cloud…"

"This is fucking bullshit!" the blonde spat angrily. There wasn't anyone else in the cabin with them at the time, and Leon wondered if Cloud would be shyer had there been new people around to listen.

"I know it is; which is why I'm going to work on getting you home. But you need to get out of here first before I can do anything. It doesn't matter what forms I fill out now that you're here. Like I said, the only two ways out are obedience or death. So you have to calm down and accept this for now."

"Why did you even bother coming to get me if your goal is try and keep me out of it?"

"Because I don't have the resources to prevent it. Only to make it end quicker. Hopefully."

"Why does the government do this? I don't understand," Cloud sighed, looking around at the beds. "I didn't do anything to deserve this. I don't deserve to die like this."

"You're not dying yet, kid. Don't assume so much."

"Well it's either die or obey right?"

"You don't plan on obeying?"

"I have a hard time believing a few sit ups and a couple of laps around the grounds are enough for them to think they have my complete obedience. You didn't see that guy that was shot before he was dead. He was _scared_. I don't want whatever it was they were giving him. So yeah, I'm probably going to die here," the blonde said. Barret sighed and rubbed his back.

"Do what you can to get out of here."

"Has anyone ever escaped?"

"Yeah, there has been. But for every one that gets out, hundreds more die trying before him, so I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Fine," Cloud deadpanned, finished with the conversation. Leon couldn't decide if the abrupt ending was Cloud deciding to obey, or to try and flee. He hoped his Charge wouldn't do anything stupid.

"Anyway, let's find you a bed," Barret said, walking further into the cabin. There were tags hanging off the bed frames; one on the top if the top bunk was taken and one on the bottom if the bottom bunk was taken. There were a few open bunks and Cloud took one that was furthest from the 'bathroom' but not in front of one of the open holes that made the windows. His was on the bottom. The space under the bed was his to keep his things and it was a big enough area for him to just slide his bags underneath. It made unpacking a non-issue because there was nowhere to unpack to. There were shelves above the bed for whoever was on the top bunk to put their things on.

"The fuck is this thing stuffed with? Leaves?" Cloud grumbled, pressing down onto the insignificant mattress on his bed. It crunched under his fingers and was hardly an inch thick.

"Quite possibly," Barret said.

"Should I assume they're all like this?"

"Yeah."

"Wonderful," the blonde sighed, taking a seat. "I don't know why anyone would volunteer to do this."

"The percentage of volunteers is low, I would imagine. Most of them are sons of well established soldiers so they start off cushy anyway."

"Were you drafted?"

"Yep."

"And you're still here."

"Yep. I earned my way out of this pit."

"What do they make you do?"

"Most of what they do is just physically demanding. Running drills, exercise, sometimes they use you guys like pack mules to carry things around town, but nothing horrible. They have tests periodically, though, which is where things get… difficult."

"Why?"

"They usually have you prove your merit by bringing in a prisoner or someone similar and… have you kill them."

"Excuse me?" Cloud asked, horrified. Barret shrugged.

"They're guys that are going to be offed anyway, and you're going out to the battlefield to fight and kill so the higher ups want to know that you can do it. That's why I said it's a test to be here. Everything you do here prepares you for what you have to do out there in the field. If you can't do any of it, you stay here until you can. That's how they know they have soldiers that will do what they need."

"…I don't want to be here."

"I know you don't. No one does."

"This isn't fair."

"I know. I was drafted and the soldiers that took me made a pit stop to rape my sister. How do you think I feel about all of this?" Barret asked. Cloud looked away from him, unable to give a story that compared. "I can do it, and so can you. You'll be all right. Work hard and get out of here so I can take you to see Aerith."

"Okay," the blonde agreed deftly.

"Is that Barry?" came another voice from the doorway that led outside. They both looked towards it where there was a tall spindly boy with short fluffy curly rusty brown hair and a beaming smile. He didn't have any shoes and his legs were covered in mud up to his knees. His clothing was tattered and torn in some places but he didn't seem to care. He was more concerned about seeing Barret.

"You're still here?" Barret asked, in disbelief. The other boy shrugged as he approached.

"Their 'prisoner' that they brought me when it was time for my test was a little kid and I couldn't do it. He had such huge blue eyes and was so scared out of his mind. I don't even know what he supposedly did but he wasn't from here, that's for sure. So, I get another six months. Whatever. No big deal," the boy explained. He looked to Cloud. "Who's this?"

"This is Cloud," Barret said. The boy almost burst into laughter but stopped himself and only made a quick snort.

"…Last name?" he asked.

"Strife," Cloud said flatly.

"Strife is better. We'll go with that," the other said. "I'd shake your hand, but mine are sort of disgusting at the moment," he continued, looking down at his grubby palms. "My name is Pierce."

"Pierce. Okay."

"Where's everyone else?" Barret asked. Pierce shrugged.

"Running drills. I saw your car and jogged over here so I could say 'hi.'"

"Not worried about your C.O.?"

"No way. I'm tired of his shit anyway. Whatever punishment I get will just help break up the monotony."

"Suit yourself. I need to get going," Barret said. He looked to Cloud. "You going to be alright?"

"I will be eventually," the blonde said.

"Okay. Remember what Dyne said. I'll be in touch," the man continued. Cloud nodded and Barret took his leave. Pierce waved to him as he passed and smiled at Cloud when he was gone.

"I need to shower before I can be more sociable. I'm really gross," he said, trailing off towards the showers casually. He started undressing and tossing his clothing on one of the beds at the end of the row, which was presumably his. Cloud scowled and watched him until the pants came off. Then he purposely started picking at the blanket on his bed. Leon was still in mild shock from watching someone die and bleed all over Barret's interior and couldn't think much. He knew he wasn't happy with Cloud's living conditions but he couldn't put together a string of words coherent enough to express himself.

 _Ugh…_ he grunted at himself. It was about all he could come up with. Pierce was finished with his shower quickly and ducked out of the 'bathroom' and rifled through his things for a clean pair of shorts. When he was finished dressing, he helped himself to a seat on Cloud's bed and drip dried.

"So where are you from?" he asked cheerfully.

 _There is something wrong with this kid. He shouldn't be that happy_ , Leon noted.

"Nibelheim," the blonde said, still mostly paying attention to the blanket.

"Oh yeah? Way out there, huh? What's it like?"

"It's nice. Clean. Lots of plants."

"Ah. I've not seen a lot of plants. I mean, I know what they are and I've seen a couple of weeds and some grass, but I've never seen a flower before. Or a tree."

"Flowers are… okay," Cloud said deftly. Leon could tell he was making associations between flowers and Aerith without even meaning to. The colorful plants were reminders of what he was missing. The Carrier was almost happy that there weren't any flowers back home, simply because he didn't want them to keep the blonde constantly upset. He wondered if 'there aren't any flowers' would be enough of an argument for Cloud to follow him.

"Kalm used to be like Nibelheim. Or so I'm told. That's where I'm from, but it's pretty dead, a lot like it is here."

"I'm sorry. I'm not even asking you things and you're asking about me. I'm not trying to be rude on purpose. I'm just…"

"Overwhelmed?"

"That and upset."

"Yeah, it's not exactly a five star hotel here. No worries though. I'm not offended."

"Okay," Cloud said, finally pulling his attention from the mattress and giving Pierce a small smile. The brunette smiled back.

"You have pretty eyes," he said.

"Uh… thanks?" the blonde guessed, immediately suspicious. Leon raised a brow, the feelings mutual. It wasn't every day someone blurted out an abrupt compliment like that. Especially so if the participants were two teenage boys.

"It's nice to see someone and have them be a different color than what everyone else has. Starting tomorrow they're going to pump you full of Mako like the rest of us and it'll only be a month or so before they change color. Seeing something different reminds me of what mine used to be. Sorry, it was sort of weird of me to say something about them."

"It's alright. I can understand. They're really going to force me to use Mako?"

"Yeah. If you resist, they strap you to a table and _then_ give it to you."

"Oh."

"I take it you've never done it before?"

"Not really, no."

"That's not a bad thing," Pierce said, leaning back against the bedpost.

"All I know is it gives me headaches, but it's always been smoked around me so I don't know what… needles will do."

"Well let's hope for no headaches, yeah? If that's the case, and you have them, your time here is going to be _awful_. I'd pity you."

"Great…" Cloud sighed. "When do they give it to you?"

"Bright and early. Before breakfast."

"Fantastic," the blonde sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair. Leon's face started to hurt, he was scowling so hard. Pierce patted Cloud's shoulder.

"You'll be okay. Barry dropped you off. That means he went and got you by himself, yeah? He must have confidence in you."

"Is that what that means? I just thought he was fucking my sort-of mom and had an obligation towards her," Cloud said bitterly.

"He did the same for me, no worries. He was fucking my mom too."

"…Well that's not very comforting."

"Whatever. He served a few tours in the field and did a few rounds of working the city rotation rosters. Old habits are probably hard to break. I know if I spent five years helping the baby factories stay in business, I'd be hard pressed to stop just because the government had other work for me. I don't take it personally."

"I think I'd be less angry about it if she was still alive."

"Ah. Yeah. That'd sort of put a damper on how you see it."

"Yeah. Question?"

"Hmm?"

"Why do some people call him 'Barry'?" Cloud asked. Pierce made a thoughtful face.

"My mom called him that. She never told me to call him anything different."

"I was told to call him 'Barret.'"

"I have no idea, then," Pierce said with a shrug.

* * *

Once Cloud was asleep for the evening, Leon didn't have much else to do. He was tempted to crawl into his bed and read but he remembered how much Reno wanted him to get out. He didn't give two damns about Reno getting angry at him but he didn't want the ridicule that would follow for being such a recluse. So he decided to wander around and see what he could see. He somehow ended up outside and was enjoying the quiet and the trees when his peace was shattered by an overly high pitched and squeaky female voice. He saw Selphie running towards him with an armful of posters. The urge to run in the other direction was immense but he stopped himself.

"What are you doing out here all by yourself?" she asked, panting a little from her running.

"Walking."

"So you're not doing anything?"

"…I was walking."

"But you weren't accomplishing a specific task."

"…I guess not?"

"Perfect! Come with me," she said and grabbed his hand and started pulling him back towards the school. They didn't go inside, but they headed around to the other side where the outdoor eating and picnic areas were. It was essentially a large concrete area used for quiet studying and the occasional lunch on the tables and benches. There were a series of lusciously landscaped flower beds scattered around as well as a couple of small fountains. There was a small group of students, Irvine included, who were on their hands and knees pulling weeds from the beds. Selphie was more than happy to yank Leon over to Irvine and hand him a pair of gloves.

"She found you, did she?" Irvine chuckled, adjusting his hat.

"Should I be upset that she has?" Leon asked.

"Well so long as you don't mind being part of the Committee and like plants, you shouldn't have a problem with it."

"Committee?"

"The Garden Festival Committee. Though the festivals have fallen to the wayside and it's just 'The Committee' and we help maintain the campus."

"I'm determined to bring the festivals back!" Selphie squeaked.

"Of course you are, honey," Irvine said.

"I am!"

"I believe you!"

"I'll show everyone," she huffed and stomped away with her nose in the air. Irvine laughed a little under his breath and stooped down again to return to his weeding. Leon watched him for a moment to understand what was supposed to be pulled and what wasn't before he slipped the gloves on and started working as well. He didn't mind the work; it was better than wandering around by himself. Selphie was off in the distance actively handing out fliers and talking people's ears off.

"So did you come here willingly?" Leon asked Irvine.

"Sort of. Selphie asked if I would help her with something and brought me here, then I found a reason to stay," he said.

"What reason is that? Like flowers too much?"

"No way. Look," he said, pointing ahead of them. Across the way, working on another flower bed, were two girls. Both of them had extremely short skirts on and from where they were, both boys could see just about everything the girls had to offer. At least one of them had the grace to wear panties that covered her, unlike her friend and her useless string of a thong. Leon scowled, shook his head, and returned to his plants.

"I have half a mind to go over there and tell them to put on some pants," he grumbled.

"Oh come on, don't ruin my fun. That's what's justifying me ruining the knees of my favorite pants," Irvine said, lifting a leg and showing his dirt covered knee.

"Still. It couldn't be enough to just help Selphie? You need to have something like that to keep you around? That's terrible."

"Selphie's a part of it too. Hopefully once she's done being hyper about the Committee, she'll sit still long enough for me to ask her out."

"I have a friend you should meet. You two could write book."

"Oh? I am a lover of women, my friend. I can't help what I am. A lot of people don't understand my methods or my motivation, but I assure you I don't stray once I have one on my arm."

"That's good to hear," Leon said, a little relieved.

"You're strange," Irvine said. Leon gave him a disgruntled look.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well when I said 'a lot of people don't understand' I really mean to say 'a lot of women don't understand.' You're the first guy my age that seems… almost offended by me. I apologize in advance and everything but that comes off as strange to me."

"Why is it strange to have respect for women?"

"I'm… not sure. You're the first that's found my enjoying the view 'disrespectful.'"

"Well I'm not going to change my views so I can fit your mold, sorry."

"I wouldn't expect you to. Just making a friendly observation. You feel however you want to, I'm not going to think less of you for it."

"I'm just strange because of it."

"And if you are? Who cares? You do whatever you feel comfortable with."

"I'm going to," Leon said grumpily. Irvine gave him a leery glance.

"Sorry if I offended you."

"It's fine."

"…Okay," the other said, not entirely convinced. Uncomfortable silence fell between them as the work continued. Leon didn't understand how easy it was for others to objectify women and why it was bad that he didn't agree. He was tired of feeling like he wasn't going to fit in simply because he thought it was rude to ogle someone because of their choice of underwear and tiny skirt. Granted, he sort of felt like the girls deserved whatever negative attention they got from their clothing choices, but that didn't mean he was going to encourage it.

 _Am I really that weird?_ He asked himself. Irvine abruptly snorted and started hurriedly picking at the weeds.

"She saw me looking," he laughed to himself. The girl in question approached them and stopped in front of Irvine and cleared her throat. He peeked around the brim of his hat up at her and gave her a sheepish smile. She motioned for him to stand and he did so, removing his hat. She frowned at him and backhanded him across the face. The resounding ' _slap_ ' caught just about everyone's attention. Leon couldn't help himself and started laughing. The girl stomped away afterward and resumed her gardening. Irvine rubbed his cheek sadly and sat in the dirt.

"Serves you right," Leon said.

"Shut up. My ego is dead enough as it is; I don't need you to kick it too," the other sighed.

"What did you do?" barked Selphie as she made her way towards them again. She stopped in front of Irvine and glared down at him.

"She overheard something we were talking about and took it out of context. Don't worry about it," Leon answered for him. Irvine gave him a questioning look. "Right?"

"R-right," the other agreed, looking up at Selphie again. She made a thoughtful face, glancing over at the other girl and back at Irvine.

"Okay. But don't get the other members upset. Internal strife isn't going to help us when we have to plead our case to the Headmaster, yeah?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. Won't happen again," Irvine said. Selphie nodded and took her leave, going back to pester more students to join them. The taller male sighed deeply and looked to Leon. "Thanks for not ruining that for me."

"You've been punished enough. I'm not here to ensure you never get a girlfriend," the Carrier said. Irvine smirked.

"Could've fooled me," he said and returned to his work, keeping his eyes on the dirt instead of the girls. Another forty-five minutes of idle chit-chat passed between them before they were able to move on to an entirely different flower bed and start the process all over again. This one was facing a wall of the school so Irvine couldn't get himself in any trouble, which was fine with Leon. After a little while over there, another pair of hands joined them abruptly. It was Rinoa.

"Hi there," she said, giving Leon a wide smile. "I'm glad to see you came out of your cave."

"I think I'm going to start over there, two people are enough to work on this one," Irvine muttered, almost angrily. He left quickly, which confused Leon a little but he didn't question it. Rinoa let out a sigh once the taller male was gone and continued picking at the weeds.

"Irvine isn't one of my fans," she said quietly.

 _Oh yeah. Galbadia_ , Leon reminded himself.

"I don't blame him," she added.

"I still don't understand why people blame you."

"Because people want someone to blame. It's always easier to point the finger at someone else. My parents are dead so the only other person available for the blame is me. Anyway, are you excited for classes tomorrow?" she asked, veering the conversation into neutral territory. Leon had nearly forgotten about classes. He shrugged.

"I suppose? I've never had a class before."

"…You haven't?" she asked confusedly.

"Here. Never had a class _here_ before," he amended quickly. _Oops._

"Oh. Well I can't imagine it's much different than anywhere else. A class is a class. They're a lot shorter here though, simply because it's only meant to inform. They don't teach you anything new per se, but they let you know what's going on and after a few hours you go outside and run laps and whatever else. Run drills, get sweaty, all that fun stuff."

"Exciting," the Carrier said. Rinoa shrugged.

"I only get to watch. I sort of wish Cid would let me join so I wouldn't be so bored."

"Even if you don't join us in battle I don't understand why you can't follow along. That's sort of stupid."

"Well, it's strenuous, and why damage myself if nothing will come of it, yeah?"

"Is it really that damaging?"

"It could be. It always has the potential to be," she said, pushing a pile of weeds together and picking it up in one clump to drop off the side of the bed. "I'm not part of the Disciplinary Committee anymore so I don't have much else to do. So when I heard Selphie going on about the Festival Committee, I figured I'd give it a try, and then I found you. So I'm okay with this."

"I'm okay with it too," Leon said. Rinoa smiled.


	27. Chapter 27

**Chapter 27**

Leon was surprised to see how much Cloud didn't seem to care about the bathroom situation in his cabin. He couldn't decide if the blonde was just that confident in his appearance or if he was dead inside and just couldn't bring himself to much else but stare at the wall. Cloud's face was blank, eyes hollow, and his body language was unexpressive. He wasn't paying much attention to his surroundings, ignored the other boys completely, and went about his business. The Carrier was used to the blonde talking more. Not being able to hear what he was thinking was painful.

Breakfast was bright and early, just as Pierce had said. All of the boys, even the ones from other cabins, filed into line and slowly streamed into a larger building that Leon assumed was the cafeteria. When it came time for Cloud to go in and join the meal, he was stopped and pulled out of line by one of the officers that flanked the door. He was led away towards another building. It was parked next to Dyne's office and was apparently fairly important; it had windows and doors. The inside looked a little like a doctor's office with the syringes, sterile tables, a large padded chair, and bright lights.

"What's going on?" Cloud asked confusedly. There was a man in a white lab coat fiddling with bottles with tin foil lids and the syringes. He had a file and was looking through the papers.

"Just a precaution," the man in the coat said calmly. "We do this with every new soldier we receive. The first few rounds of Mako are administered in here so we can gauge how you react and assist you if you need help. Nothing to worry about."

 _My, how considerate_ , Leon sighed.

"It makes me sick. I don't want any," Cloud mumbled, knowing he didn't have much of a choice.

"Does it? Well, we're here to make sure you're okay. Come now," the man said, patting the seat gently. The soldiers that had dragged Cloud to the building went to stand guard by the door. They gave the blonde a nudge towards the chair before turning to statues. The blonde looked conflicted, the first emotion he had shown all day. He eventually shuffled to the chair and sat, propping his arm up on the arm rest for the man to do with as he pleased. The man wasted no time injecting the sludge into him. The blonde winced and pulled his arm to himself when he was able to.

"It burns," he said. He frowned and rubbed his arm as the feeling traveled all over. The man watched him carefully, a notepad poised and ready to be filled. The blonde rubbed his chest with a scowl as his breathing sped up. He coughed a few times in an effort to try and regulate himself but it didn't help. He sat up and swung his legs over the edge of the seat. He held his head in his hands and leaned forward until he was nearly folded in half with his forehead resting on his knees. Leon's camera was on the floor and he could see his Charge grinding his teeth together as his pupils tried to squeeze themselves into slits. Sweat broke out on Cloud's brow and his eyes continued their epileptic fit.

"Cloud?" the man in the white coat asked, stepping around the chair and putting his hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"I don't feel good," Cloud whimpered, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head.

"Tell me what you feel."

"Angry."

"…Angry?" the man questioned confusedly. Leon didn't like that he sounded unsure. Cloud's reaction didn't sound typical.

"My head hurts, my teeth itch, and…" the blonde trailed off. He sat up slowly and leaned against the back of the chair. "And I'm totally going to throw up," he said a split second before he belched and projectile vomited onto the shoes of the soldier across from him. The distance was impressive, almost more impressive than the neon green color. Leon had never seen anything like it, and the fact that it flew out of Cloud was a major cause for concern, to say the least. The blonde spent a good thirty seconds coughing afterward, shaking and using the back of the seat for support.

"My goodness," the man in the white coat said calmly. The soldier by the door seemed less tame.

"That's all you have to say? That little shit stain ruined my shoes!" he yelled angrily. He stepped over the puddle and shook his foot, sending droplets every which way.

"Stop yelling," Cloud grumbled, holding his head.

"You got something to say to me, twat?" the soldier asked snidely, stepping to the blonde and grabbing the front of his shirt. He pulled Cloud off the chair and forced him to stand on his own two feet.

"Now boys… this isn't the place for this," the man in the white coat said.

"Fuck off old man, this kid has to learn his place!" the soldier spat, his voice reverberating off the walls and echoing. Cloud groaned and fisted his hair, head throbbing.

"Stop!" the blonde ordered, his voice turning malicious. The soldier raised a brow.

"Make me, princess," he said, giving Cloud a shake and dropping him. The blonde regained his balance quickly and without any warning, reared back and punched the soldier in the jaw. The other staggered, slipped on the almost glowing puddle on the floor, and landed on his back with a loud grunt. The blonde, face full of rage, was on him in an instant. He grabbed the soldier's hair and picked his head off the floor just enough to slam it back onto the tile with a sickening ' _slap_.' Blood smeared the tile and dripped out of the soldier's hair when Cloud picked him up for another shove. Once. Twice. Three times he managed to smash the soldier's head in before the other soldier picked him up under his armpits and pinned him to the ground.

Leon was seeing flashes of Cloud from a little more than six years before. His reaction was similar to what he had when he was ten and Biggs forced Mako smoke up his nose. Granted, a ten year old body tweaked on smoke was a little different than a sixteen year old body tweaked on a straight injection. The Carrier couldn't tell how much damage Cloud had caused to the soldier but he wasn't moving. Cloud, on the other hand, was giving the second soldier a run for his money. He wouldn't stay still and was thrashing around trying to get away. The soldier managed to get him somewhat pinned before turning to the man in the white coat.

"You want to sedate him or something, doc?" he yelled. The man startled out of his fascinated daze and dashed over to a nearby cabinet. He rifled through its contents and came back with another syringe. He stuck Cloud while the soldier held him down. The blonde screamed and tried to escape, sounding and acting much like a caged animal that had reached its breaking point. Leon didn't realize half the noises Cloud was making were even humanly possible. His Charge started fading after about twenty seconds and was out like a light after another ten. The soldier and the man in the white coat let out a sigh of relief.

"It makes me wonder if this training camp is necessary for ones like him. I find that these cases get more frequent as I age; the rage, the sound sensitivity, the… colorful excretions."

"Wonderful," the soldier sighed, pushing himself up off the floor and going to check on the motionless one that lay just a few feet away. He felt for a pulse before pulling the other's head up by his hair and looking at the damage. There was a matted mess of blood, hair, and skull pieces dangling and dripping onto the floor. Leon's stomach churned and he looked away. The soldier sighed again and dropped the head, letting it land harshly. "Well what do I do with him?" he asked, pointing to Cloud.

"Clean him up and take him to his bunk. He's not going anywhere anytime soon," the man in the white coat said. The soldier pulled Cloud up by his arm and stooped to hook his arm around the blonde's shoulders.

 _If it wasn't for the blood on his fingers and the barf on his pants, I'd say he looks so peaceful_ , Leon noted. He followed the pair into the blonde's cabin where the soldier sought out his bed and tossed the unconscious Charge on it. Instead of cleaning him up like he was supposed to, he simply removed Cloud's pants and tossed them aside and dropped the blanket over him. The blonde's limbs were still mostly out of the bed and on the floor, but the soldier didn't care. He left.

Leon wasn't sure how long Cloud would be out for. He waited around for a couple hours, mostly paying attention to his books, before he needed to get to sleep. His classes started in the morning and it was going on lunchtime on the blonde's part of the world. None of the other recruits had come back yet, and the Carrier promised he would get up early and check in on his Charge. He mostly promised himself; he really couldn't do much for Cloud. He left the blonde, the image of his Charge drooling away on his pillow seared into his mind.

* * *

When Leon woke up the next day, nothing had changed. It was getting dark in Cloud's little piece of paradise and he hadn't moved. The drool puddle was huge, though. The Carrier left the computer running and carted it around his dorm with him as he got ready for the day. He didn't want to leave. He was worried just as much as he was curious. He decided he would skip breakfast in an effort to catch something new. His efforts were rewarded when the other recruits came back to the cabin. Half of them poked and jabbed Cloud to see if he would wake up and when he didn't, they left him alone. The other half immediately piled into the showers and Leon had to find a new angle to see the blonde in so he could spare himself the forest of penises in the background.

Pierce was the one who paid extra attention to Cloud. He shooed the other boys away from the blonde and shoved his arms and legs in the bed with him. The curly brunette's hands were cut up and bleeding, but he didn't seem to care as he tucked Cloud in. Leon remembered him mentioning a punishment the previous day and it hurt to think what the older soldiers had him do in order to get so many cuts on his hands. Pierce seemed to understand what was happening with Cloud. He noticed the spreading purple bruise on the side of Cloud's neck where the sedative had been administered, and the blood on his fingers.

"Stop being queer for three seconds for fuck's sake," one of the other boys jeered. Pierce rolled his eyes.

"It's not queer to be worried about someone," he defended.

"Did you not see them carrying Jade out of the clinic? The guy can obviously defend himself. Getting your gay all over him is going to ruin what he's already accomplished," the other said.

"Just leave them alone," another boy said from across the cabin. Sounds of agreement mumbled through several more bodies. Pierce went back to the 'bathroom' and wet a rag. He came back and started rubbing Cloud's fingers clean.

 _That's not completely creepy or anything_ , Leon said sarcastically. Pierce wiped the blonde's face off when he was finished with his hands and pushed his hair around a little before leaving him and going back to his bed. The Carrier appreciated the gesture and care for his Charge's well being and everything, but he was suspicious. He didn't know what Pierce's true intentions were and silently told himself he would rip the creepy kid apart if he harmed Cloud in any way. He hoped for Pierce's sake that he wasn't allergic to teeth or claws.

The minutes ticked by, the recruits fell asleep, and the time of classroom escapades descended upon the Carrier much to his dismay. He had no idea what he was supposed to be doing, if he needed to bring anything, or what his classes were about, but he had to go anyway. He made sure he had his key before he grabbed his schedule and headed out of his dorm. The campus looked completely different in the morning light. The air was heavy with dew and smelled like spring. If the school's purpose and nature hadn't been so violent, Leon would've really enjoyed walking the halls and getting lost. So far, the Shumi people and the nature were the only two things he would miss when it was time to leave.

Once he found his classroom, that perpetual feeling of 'everyone's staring at me' bubbled up again. Thankfully, the desks weren't normal desks but long bench-like computer terminals. He would share a row with a couple of people, but he would be able to sink behind the screen and hide from everyone else. He took the emptiest row he could find, as far into the back as he could find, and plunked into a seat. He poked at his computer. It was archaic compared to the one he watched Cloud on, but it served its purpose with a simple touch screen and a bevy of options to find information with. He could hardly focus on what he was looking at as his mind was still stuck on worrying about his Charge. He didn't even notice when Quistis stepped in front of the class and started talking, or when Zell plopped into the available seat next to him.

"You look like you had a rough night," the less important blonde whispered in his ear. Leon startled and looked to him with wide eyes. Zell raised a brow. "You alright?"

"I'm fine," the Carrier deflected, folding his arms on the terminal in front of him and resting his chin on them.

"If you say so," Zell said, dropping the conversation. Quistis started walking down the middle isle checking off names on her clip board.

"Oh. You _are_ here. Good," she said, giving Leon a serious glare. "I would appreciate it if you sat up and paid attention," she added. The Carrier sat up properly. She nodded and left again. As soon as she was a decent distance away, Leon slid down in his seat and rested the back of his head on the back of his chair with a tired huff. He was achy and felt a little arthritic. His fingers hurt to move too much and his knees felt stiff. He knew he was tired, but it felt distinctly like his body was telling him he needed to change soon. He wasn't looking forward to it. He'd need at least a couple hours to himself but he didn't feel like he would get it.

The class was only a couple hours long. From what he could gather, it was somewhat of a history lecture on previously successful battle plans, strategies, and maneuvers. It was probably important, but Leon didn't care. He had too much on his plate to think about and it was catching up to him. He needed some way to relax a little before he went insane or his hair started falling out. Zell was mildly distracted by his dumpy attitude that morning and patted him on the shoulder a few times and gave him questioning eyes. Leon ignored him. Eventually they were free to go and mill around before their next class. Leon plodded out into the hallway and plopped onto a bench.

"Did something happen?" Zell asked, sitting next to him.

"I'm just tired," Leon said flatly.

"Obviously. But I get the feeling there's way more to it than that."

"Don't worry about it."

"But I'm going to."

"…Then that's on you."

"You're really going to keep it bottled up?"

"It's nothing."

"But it doesn't look like noth—"

"Zell. Stop. I appreciate the concern but it's really nothing," Leon insisted. _Nothing I can actually tell you, anyway._

"I still don't believe you, but fine. Be that way. I know a few people who will get you to talk. Or at least help you look less like a zombie whose puppy got kicked."

"Why is it such a big deal to you? Why the fuck do you care?" Leon asked angrily, furrowing his brows together in a scowl. Zell frowned.

"Because I care about people."

"Why?"

"…Because my mom raised me right? I don't know. I just do."

"Well stop it," Leon spat. He stood and left Zell sitting on the bench and headed off to find his next class. It was down the hall from the first one and he did the same thing he did hardly ten minutes before. He sat in his seat, way in the back, and let his mind drift. Zell wasn't in that class, but Selphie was. She didn't notice him hiding behind his computer terminal. She had come in after he did and sat in the front and commenced an explosion of girl-talk with the others around her. Throughout the entire class, Leon did nothing. By the end of it he couldn't even remember what it was about. He only had two classes that day but the rest of his time was to be filled up with training. He considered blowing it all off and crawling into his bed. Perhaps if he stayed there long enough, he would become one with his mattress.

"Squall!" called a familiar voice behind him. He turned to see Rinoa running towards him. She stopped a few feet away and walked the distance between them, a worried expression on her face. "Zell told me you aren't doing so well today."

"He said that, did he?"

"Yeah… I sort of believe him," she said. He was tired of pity and he was tired of trying to come up with excuses for himself. He didn't have anything to say to her that would make her feel better or ease her worries. He just shrugged and started walking away. She immediately scowled and jogged to catch up with him. She grabbed his sleeve and gave it a tug. He tried to gently pick her fingers off him but she persisted, looking up at him with a grumpy pout. He sighed.

"Stop it."

"I want you to talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about. Please drop it."

"No," Rinoa huffed. She pulled him along by his sleeve through the hallways and back into the dormitory section of the campus. She wove through the halls even more and ended up in front of Leon's door. "Open it," she ordered.

"I have to get to… wherever it is I'm supposed to be training at."

"Open it."

"Rinoa, seriously. I have to go," he said, pulling his sleeve from her hand. She grabbed onto the front of his shirt instead.

"Open it."

"I'm not g—"

"Open it."

"Please just—"

"Open it!" she squeaked at him, her face twisting into a pathetic combination of worry and sadness. Her eyes started watering and her chin quivered a bit.

"You can't be serious," Leon sighed. Rinoa let out a sniffle and looked away, her shoulders starting to shake with her upset huffs. The Carrier let her carry on for a few seconds before he relented and pulled his keycard out of his pocket and unlocked his door. She pulled him into the room by his shirt. When she turned around again, her tears were gone and her face was straight and serious.

"That's what I thought," she said almost angrily. Leon glared at her.

"The fuck was that? That was a fucked up trick; kicking a guy in the balls like that. The hell is wrong with you? I thought I seriously hurt your feelings," he growled at her. She crossed her arms over her chest.

"Don't blame me for you falling for the oldest trick in the book. We're here, so you may as well sit down and talk to me."

"Fuck you. I'm leaving. You are too," Leon said, turning for the door. He stood in the doorway so it wouldn't close and motioned for her to get out. She stood her ground, haughtily sticking her nose in the air, daring him to move her. So he did. He stepped back into the room, grabbed her around her waist and hoisted her over his shoulder. He stomped back outside and deposited her in the hallway and locked his door. When he turned around to head for his training session, she was in his face. She looked thoroughly pissed off and expressed herself by way of slapping him across the face. It startled him more than anything and he blinked at her angrily.

"Talk to me," she ordered.

"Hit me again. See how fast you regret it," he said, voice turning dark. He loomed over her, searing a hole in between her eyes with his gaze, stone-faced, and threatening. He didn't like the idea of hitting a woman, but he didn't see them as weak helpless individuals so he could quickly justify it if the situation arose. He was completely conscious of his thinking though, and knew that even if she did give him reason to hit her back, he would be in control of himself. But she needed to give him reason to. She didn't. She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I was sort of hoping that would've snapped you out of whatever funk you're in and you'd think a little more about what I'm trying to accomplish."

"And what's that?" he asked grumpily. He stepped back and folded his arms over his chest.

"I was trying to get you to see that I'm serious."

"Serious about what?"

"Getting to know you and being your friend and helping you because you _obviously_ need it. I'm about two steps away from getting you a psych evaluation; to see if you're even mentally fit to be here. I don't think you are right now and I don't want you… going ape shit and killing everyone!" she said.

"You have little faith in my self control."

"No, I just don't know you. No one does. You don't give us the opportunity to get anywhere, either. It's almost like you're a robot and have no emotions or something. That's not normal. It's worrisome. Especially in an environment like this."

"I guess I'm a robot then. If you can't accept there are just some things I don't want to share, then you may as well just leave me alone and not worry about it," Leon said blandly.

"Is that really what you want? I can tell everyone else," Rinoa offered.

 _No. I don't want to be alone, I just want to be accepted without a bunch of questions_ , Leon thought. He must have been hesitating too long because she stepped into his line of sight and waved at him.

"Hello in there?" she asked. He didn't have an answer for her. Yes, he wanted the pestering to stop, but he didn't want to be completely alone. But he also didn't see much of an alternative with how persistent everyone was being. He was at a loss. They stared at one another quietly for several minutes before Rinoa took it upon herself to step forward and wrap her arms around his midsection and hug him tightly. He didn't hug her back; his arms were suddenly liquid and his skeleton didn't feel like it would support him anymore. "Please don't push me away like everyone else does," Rinoa said.

"I'm not trying to, but I'm tired of explaining myself. I need everyone to just… stop for a little while. Stop making me feel like I'm inhuman," he said. He felt vulnerable and he didn't like it. He wanted to crawl under a rock and hide until everyone forgot about him. Not having anyone of his kind readily available to him was torture. He wished he could just let everything out and have it accepted by the people around him like Reno did. But it was an unrealistic fantasy; he would just alienate himself more. He never thought that watching his Charge grow up and being an outsider to it would be such a burden. Rinoa was the closest he would get to someone who could listen.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize we were making you feel that way," she said, looking up at him. He shrugged.

"I wasn't exactly very forthcoming with it."

"Still. I feel bad."

"I'm okay, and you should be too. Don't worry about it."

"Okay," she said, sounding unconvinced still but she didn't push it. A pregnant silence grew between them and the situation quickly turned awkward. Leon cleared his throat.

"So uh… what's with the touching?" he asked. Rinoa's arms were still planted around him. She quickly let him go and stepped back.

"Sorry. Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm not… I'm not sure what…"

"Just okay."

"Is that an 'it's okay to hug me' sort of okay or an 'apology accepted' sort of okay?"

"Both, I suppose," Leon said thoughtfully. Rinoa raised a confused brow.

"You're very strange. I'm not sure what to make of all this."

"This is my failingly awful and awkward attempt to be social. Don't ruin it for me completely. I already feel stupid."

"Oh. You need to work on that one."

"So I've noticed," Leon grumbled. "I'm going to go find my… training or whatever. Sorry this experience was… terrible. We can try again later when I'm less dead."

"Don't worry about training for today. I can talk to Headmaster Cid about it if you want to work on those people skills for a little bit."

"Are you my life coach now?"

"I could be. At the very least I would like to hug you again and actually have you hug me back instead of standing there like a tree."

"I sort of forgot to. Sorry," he said, holding his arms open a little, giving her the go-ahead. She stepped forward and hugged him again and he reciprocated. The moment was comforting, much like Tifa's hugs were, but he couldn't help but feel like it was a little more than that. Rinoa seemed to be listening to his heartbeat, something Tifa didn't do. Or Reno for that matter. She seemed to be trying to get something out of him as well, instead of just offering him comfort and someone to lean on. He didn't really know what to think about it.

"I wasn't hallucinating," she said, pulling back and sliding her hands around to his front and laying them against his chest.

"Uh… no you weren't. I'm not a figment of your imagination. I'm fairly solid," he said. She laughed.

"No. That's not what I meant. You're just really really warm and I couldn't understand if it was just me or if it was really what I thought it was."

"Oh. Should I apologize?"

"Of course not. I was just checking."

"Alright. What now, coach?" he asked amusedly. She smirked.

"That's a loaded question," she muttered. Leon's expression blanked and he suddenly felt like he stepped into a mud pit labeled 'what the who—what? Hurr?' Of course that was a bit of exaggeration but it was just about all he could put together. Rinoa didn't even acknowledge she had said anything that had completely derailed the Carrier's coherent thinking process and continued on nonchalantly. "I'm sort of hungry. It's about lunchtime."

"Lunch is good," he blurted stupidly, finally letting her go and stepping back. She smiled and started off down the hall. He watched her walk for a few seconds before following, keeping a befuddled eye on her for any other indication that his gutter-worthy thought processes were warranted.

She gave him none.

* * *

Leon ended up going to his after-lunch training session. As punishment for missing the first half of the day, he was forced to run laps around the school followed by enough push-ups to make his arms turn to jelly. Rinoa tried to insist to his instructor that it was okay, that some personal stuff needed to be taken care of and that Leon wasn't lazy. But every time she opened her mouth and said 'he was with me,' Leon wanted to stuff her mouth full of cotton to get her to shut up. Everyone was staring at him as his face turned redder than a tomato with the implications the girl was inadvertently spilling. He returned to his room for the evening, exhausted, and _very_ confused with himself.

He tried not to dwell on the day's happenings and focused in on his computer. Cloud was in the process of trying to wake up but still resembled an enormous slug as he oozed out of his bed and flopped his way over to the shower. He stood under the spray, occasionally needing to steady himself with the wall, and hogged the space for more than an hour. Other boys came and left, going about their morning routines, but no one said anything. Leon could see the looks though. The judgment they were passing on his Charge most likely because of Pierce, and if not him, then the blonde's sedation. He was thankful Cloud seemed relatively oblivious.

"Glad to see you're awake!" the curly brunette in question howled as he deposited himself in the shower next to Cloud. He leaned against the blonde and forced his attention.

"Please don't yell," Cloud muttered.

"Sorry. What happened yesterday? You were right behind me in line."

"I don't know."

"Really? Do you remember the line?"

"I remember getting up and getting in line. I remember standing around, and then I remember walking. That's about where it stops," the blonde said. Pierce scowled.

"Not a good Mako reaction?"

"I would assume so."

"That's a shame. You should see the side of your neck," he said. Cloud furrowed his brows and turned off his shower head and reached for a towel. Pierce's eyes made a beeline for the blonde's genitals and he openly stared at him for the entire time Cloud wasn't paying attention. Leon wanted to leap through the computer screen and throttle him.

 _Keep your eyes off him. You try anything and swear I'll come after you._ He had never seriously considered taking a life before. He wondered how easy it would be after his training at the Garden was finished.

"What the fuck?" the blonde gasped as he held up a hand-held mirror that everyone used for shaving and inspected his neck. The bruise had spread to the size of a large orange with the puncture mark from the needle blatantly visible in the middle. He had another bruise in the bend of his elbow, but that one was much smaller.

"I know, right? Brutal," Pierce said casually. "You were out for the whole day."

"Out? I didn't do anything?"

"No, just slept."

 _Is he lying to protect him?_ Leon asked himself. He knew Cloud hadn't just slept. He had killed someone.

"Oh. Was the C.O. upset?" the blonde asked, setting the mirror down and looking at Pierce's back. The other shrugged.

"Not that I could tell. Wish I had more to share."

"Yeah," Cloud agreed, rubbing the back of his head.

 _I suppose it's alright that he doesn't remember_ , Leon thought. The morning continued on just as the previous one had. Everyone got ready, filed into a line, and slowly made their way into the cafeteria for breakfast. Cloud was removed from the line and pulled to the tiny clinic. He was sat in the chair, restrained, and was given a shot of Mako, just as he had been given the day before. The same doctor was there in the same white coat, as was the not-dead soldier. The dead one was replaced with a live one, of course. Cloud had a very similar reaction as he had the day before. He got horrendously sick, writhed around in pain, and screamed like an animal when he couldn't get up and get the energy out of his system. It broke Leon's heart to see him like that, and with the man in the white coat simply watching him like a test subject.

Cloud was eventually sedated again and carted away to his bed, where his vomit covered clothing was stripped from him and he was tossed on his bunk like a piece of garbage. On and on the process repeated itself throughout the week. And then the next week. It had gotten to the point where Cloud couldn't even move anymore in the mornings and the doctor had to be called in to help him out of bed. He would be planted in the clinic for several rounds of fluids and a meal before being shoved outside with the rest of the recruits to train. Needless to say, his performance was less than stellar and he was forced to stay out longer than everyone else to rerun drills until he got them right. Leon lost count of how many times the blonde had to run the obstacle course.

His Charge started losing a lot of weight about a month into his training. He was losing it before, what with the vomiting and hardly eating, but it eventually got to the point where he _looked_ physically ill. His ribs were showing, his skin was papery and pale, his gums bled, and his eyes were discolored. Tendrils of blue were sneaking in between the flecks of hazel and green like poison. Leon hated them. He hated watching. He hated waiting. He hated being useless to his Charge. He wanted to act and steal Cloud from Midgar and wrap him in a substantial and warm blanket and tell him that everything would be okay. That they were going away from that awful plane, and he was allowed to eat and be healthy and _happy_. He missed Cloud's smile.

The blonde was broken. He didn't speak very much, he didn't eat very much, and he slept even less. He had Aerith's picture tucked in a little plastic pocket for safe keeping and Leon sincerely believed that was the only thing keeping Cloud from killing himself. The way the blonde stared too long at his razor in the mornings and how he studied the guards in their towers and the front gates of the training grounds were worrisome. The Carrier could see the dark place in the backs of the blonde's eyes that his mind was floating in; his psyche slowly crumbling away until there wasn't much left.

Pierce didn't change though. He was still as happy as ever and sat with Cloud and talked and talked and talked and talked about anything and everything. He watched the blonde like a hawk whenever they were in the same general vicinity. Leon would catch him staring. The longer it persisted, the more indecisive Pierce looked; like he was fighting with himself on whether or not to make a move. The curly brunette was totally aware of Aerith and the pictures Cloud had of her. She was really the only topic Cloud would actively talk about anymore and gave no indication that he was gay in any way shape or form, but it apparently didn't matter to Pierce.

Four weeks. Then six weeks. Eight weeks. Then ten. Leon's life was cushy and luxurious compared to Cloud's and he hated himself for it. He pushed himself as much as he could to work as hard as Cloud did, as if by some miracle they would switch places so the blonde could rest and recuperate. The Carrier's social life didn't improve much during those weeks. He just couldn't allow himself to be happy while his Charge was suffering so much. It just wasn't fair. Day in and day out, Cloud would either be pushed beyond his physical limits or would spend the day blitzed out of his mind in a puddle of his own vomit.

But then things changed. Cloud's reaction to Mako was still the same. He would get sick and vomit, but if no one did anything to him afterward, he wouldn't get violent. In those periods of mild lucidity, the doctors and the older soldiers would work with him, talking him through methods he could use to keep him in control. Meditation, mantras, simple calming exercises, pure concentration, all of it was tried, much to Leon's sarcastic amusement, but with marginal success. Cloud could stay in control, but his temper was on a hair-pin trigger and he could (and often did) fly off into monstrous rages, spitting the _worst_ derogatory language Leon had ever heard in his life while trying to beat the hell out of anything that came near him. The only benefit of all of that seemed to be that his body was adjusting to the Mako and allowing him to gain weight again.

No one messed with Cloud and when he was off the Mako, he couldn't understand why. He would lose huge gaps in time where he was so tweaked he couldn't remember anything. He never remembered flying off into a rage or hurting anyone. People would tell him what he did and he would insist it wasn't true, but Leon could see the belief in the blonde's eyes. He knew it was true but refused to admit it. But there was nothing he could do. Resisting meant force, and he was tired of having bruises on his neck and feeling like garbage for days at a time. So everyone just steered clear of him after a while, whether he was on Mako or not. The only person who spent any time with him was Pierce and Leon was convinced the only reason he stuck around was because he wondered how big Cloud's penis could get.

 _Yeah, it's bigger than yours, so use your imagination and back the fuck off,_ Leon would think, silently threatening Pierce every chance he got. He was starting to scare himself with his possessiveness. But, Cloud was his Charge and no one else's. Whether the blonde wanted to be or not, it didn't matter. Leon wasn't giving him a choice. So by proxy, Cloud's penis was his too, and the Carrier _really_ didn't like the idea of unwanted hands touching his things.


	28. Chapter 28

**Chapter 28**

"I want you to be a good soldier, kid. I really do. If I had a thousand more of you, this war would be over in a heartbeat. You're doing all the right things but to all the wrong people. I don't know what that Mako does to you but I have seven bodies that I don't know what to do with. I'm not going to have any recruits left if you keep bashing faces in. You get me?" Dyne asked, almost pleadingly.

"Yes sir," Cloud said. He sighed, looking down at his hands and feeling the calluses he had developed over the months. There was a perpetual red stain under his fingernails from all the damage he had caused to his fellow recruits, and none of it looked like it was going to go away any time soon.

"What can I do to help you?"

"I don't know. I don't even remember most of my week."

"It's Monday, kid. The week just started."

"Oh. I thought it was Friday," the blonde said.

"You're serious?" Dyne asked. Cloud peeked through the wild pieces of hair that fell in his face and nodded sheepishly. "What month is it?"

"Uh… January?" the blonde guessed. Dyne frowned.

"Try March."

"…Oh."

"We seriously screwed you up didn't we?" the man questioned, mostly asking himself. Cloud didn't have an answer for him and kept his head low. Five months of rigorous training (also read as 'torture') had changed the blonde considerably; not only physically but mentally. He was at least three times stronger than he had started out as and just as fast, but all the athletic ability in the world wasn't enough to pick up the mental slack he was obviously losing. He was getting forgetful and often asked the same questions two or three times before he could remember the answer. Mostly his questions were superficial, what time it was, what was in his food, so on and so forth, but the idea that he would forget such simple things so easily really worried Leon.

Infertility, of all things, weighed heavily on the Carrier's mind as well. Cloud ate like a whale but the Mako had turned him into a bulimic without the eating disorder. He vomited at least four times a week, sometimes more, and the damage it was causing was obvious. His teeth weren't quite so healthy anymore, his lips were always dry and on the verge of bleeding, his gums bled if he breathed too hard, every burp brought something up with it, and he mentioned frequent heart burn. The constant fluctuation in weight and health was sure to be wreaking havoc on the rest of his body, his reproductive organs and hormones included. Leon knew there were other methods he could use to start his project, but it was still upsetting. He didn't want to hurt Cloud any more than he already was. No guy wants to shoot blanks; with or without children on the agenda.

Barret came to see Cloud a few days after the blonde's talk with Dyne. He wasn't happy with what he saw, but didn't say anything about it. Cloud didn't have much to say to him and stayed quiet for most of their time together. He woke up a little more once Aerith became the topic of conversation, though. She was doing well, had found someone in town to come help her with the kids, and was adjusting. She missed him just as much as he missed her, apparently. It was a very generic story, and Leon felt there was more to it than what Barret was saying, but at the same time he didn't want to know what was missing. Any negative impact given to the blonde at this point might push him over the edge.

"I can't go back," Cloud concluded. Barret scowled and looked at him like he suddenly sprouted a leg out of his forehead.

"The fuck do you mean? Of course you're going back. It's already scheduled."

"What?" the blonde asked in utter disbelief. Barret nodded.

"Your test is next week. You're going to hang around at the base for a few months to learn some stuff, but by September you're going to Nibelheim. The Shinra Corporation has plans for a Mako reactor to be planted in the mountains there and they need a squad of you guys to patrol around and keep the peace."

"But… a Mako reactor will kill all the flowers. Aerith likes flowers."

 _It's comments like those that remind me how innocent he still is. God, what a waste his life has become_.

"I know she does. Not many people are happy about it but the government is cracking down because their resources are starting to dry up. War sucks up a lot of money and energy and they're in it to win it, so there's no backing down. Balamb has them stopped in their tracks and they haven't had any advancements in a while."

_Oh, do we? I suppose I should pay attention more._

"Well… whatever. I still can't go back. Not after the stuff I've done here," the blonde said, shoving a piece of dirt around with his boot.

"Why do you say that? She's waiting for you."

"She shouldn't be. Even if I do get to go back, I wouldn't be with her. I can't. Not with these hands," he said, looking at his fingernails. Barret punched him in the shoulder.

"Stop being a pussy. So you killed a few guys," he scoffed, waving a dismissive hand. Leon scowled. "Would it have been any different if you had just been tossed into the field on a pile of Balamb soldiers? You'd still have blood on your hands before you got to her again. Why cry about the tiny details?"

"That's… sort of twisted, Barret. Is it really supposed to be that easy?"

"Yeah. That's why you're here; to learn how to be a soldier and to learn to push past anything that can hold you back. Don't be ashamed of the things you've done; they're your purpose, your duty and obligation to your country."

"I'd feel differently if they hadn't been on our side."

"How many of them were from Balamb?"

"Five? I think," Cloud said, furrowing his brows together in thought.

"See? You did everyone a favor."

"…If you say so."

"Balamb soldiers are ten times as likely as our soldiers to go AWOL. As far as I'm concerned, you just prevented the inevitable."

"Really?" Cloud asked. Barret smiled and nodded. The blonde thought about it and continued to kick the dirt around. Leon could see the uncertainty in Barret's eyes. He was trying his hardest to make Cloud feel better at the risk of looking like a homicidal maniac himself. The realization made the Carrier feel better. Any sort of good news that lifted his Charge's spirits was always acceptable, even if it was creepy and he didn't agree with it. Most of the boys at the camp were from Balamb, so the chances of the majority of Cloud's body count being Balamb soldiers were remarkably high.

Once the blonde felt a little better, Barret left again with promises of seeing him after he passed his test.

* * *

"S-so… you think you can pass?" Pierce asked nervously, shuffling back and forth in his place. Cloud was having another off-kilter day and had spent most of his time in bed. Pierce had deliberately skipped out on training to come see him, which meant they were alone together. Leon wasn't happy. Cloud had spent the previous thirty minutes regurgitating his story to the curly brunette with a blank face and dead tone of voice. He often talked with little emotion when he was high off his gourd.

"Yeah, sure, cakewalk," the blonde said flatly, rolling over in his bed and giving Pierce his back to look at. The other boy's expression fell. He was indecisive and chewed his bottom lip anxiously.

"So that means I should pass my own so we can transfer together, right?" he asked.

"Whatever."

"Do you not want to transfer together?"

"It doesn't matter."

"But we're buddies, right?"

"Sure," Cloud grunted, smashing his face into his pillow and obviously trying to forget the other boy was there. Pierce rounded the bed and crouched down next to the blonde's face.

"Cloud…" he trailed, waiting for the other to look at him. Hardly anyone called Cloud by his first name. Three quarters of the other recruits didn't even know it. The usage got his attention.

"Hmm?"

"You know Aerith probably isn't really waiting for you," Pierce said.

 _You got a death wish, kid? Where the fuck did that come from?_ Leon questioned confusedly. Cloud scowled and picked his head up to look at the other boy fully.

"I don't want you to go back home and be heartbroken. Maybe it'd be better if you didn't go back. That way you'd save yourself a lot of hurt, you know?" the curly brunette continued. Cloud was glaring at him, burning a hole through his skull. The blue that had taken over his irises made his eyes much more threatening, but Pierce didn't back down. "And then you'd be a lot happier and could move onto other…options."

"Options."

"Yeah."

"Such as?"

"Well… what about… not girls?" Pierce mumbled, cheeks turning red. The straight and unchanging face Cloud stared at him with was almost comical. It was an expression that said 'are you _fucking_ serious?'

"And who do you suggest I do all that with? You?" the blonde asked snidely.

"Please?"

"No one likes a beggar, Pierce."

"Well it's just that I've thought about it a lot and you probably haven't. I wanted you to be aware of my intentions," the curly brunette said, scooting a bit closer. His face was earnest and Leon could tell he was getting his hopes up. "It wouldn't be much different for you, really. And… I'd always be there. You wouldn't have to worry about me straying away."

"Like Aerith probably is, right?"

"Y-yeah."

"And if I refuse?"

"Please don't. Give me a chance first," Pierce said, reaching forward and touching Cloud's forearm. The blonde immediately smacked it away and sat up, turning away from him. Pierce's face immediately switched to desperate worry. He hurried back around to the other side of the bed where the blonde was standing and attempting to get away from him. "Don't leave," he said.

"Get away from me. I don't want anything you're offering me," Cloud said, face blank. Pierce cleared the distance between them, brows knitting together pleadingly. He took the blonde's hand and pressed the palm to the front of his pants, he shuddered.

"Just a little. Please," he asked huskily. Cloud ripped his hand out of the curly brunette's grasp and took a step back. Pierce matched his step, forcing the blonde to take another. After a couple more, Cloud had backed into the wall. Trapped, Pierce seized the opportunity and pressed them together, grinding his pelvis against Cloud's. He leaned down to bury his nose in the blonde's hair and take a deep inhale. The entire scene from the moment Cloud stood up took less than fifteen seconds, but it was long enough for the blonde's patience to run dry. He shoved Pierce away. The force was enough to make the curly brunette falter and flop onto his back. Cloud didn't give him a chance to regain composure and quickly dropped on him, pinning him to the concrete.

"I don't know at what point you decided I'm gay but even if I was, I wouldn't go for a pathetic shit like you. You're weak. Disgusting. Not worth my time, my energy, or my dick. Do you get that now?" the blonde growled, leaning in close so Pierce had no choice but to hear.

"I'm sor—" the curly brunette choked as Cloud grabbed onto his throat. Pierce started to panic and kicked his legs weakly while his fingers tried to pull Cloud's hand open. In an effort to keep himself somewhat sane, Leon started chewing on his thumbnail anxiously, desperately hoping Cloud would snap out of his anger before any permanent damage was done.

 _I didn't want this much. Stop,_ he silently pleaded.

"It's revolting faggots like you that keep this war going. You and Balamb just don't know when to back off. Your kind keeps me here, away from my girl, and then you try to force your nasty habits on me when it's _obvious_ I don't want any part of it!" Cloud roared, squeezing with all his strength. Pierce was gradually turning purple and his choked gasping was slowing. "You beg me to take you like an animal and expect me to have any fucking respect for you? Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore. Hell, I'm doing you a favor and saving you a useless life filled with loneliness and desperation."

Leon couldn't watch. He left his computer in his bedroom and started pacing in front of his couch while chewing on his fingernails. He was trying his hardest to not care and remember that Cloud was completely different when he wasn't on Mako. If the blonde was in his right mind, there was no way he would've gone as far as he was. But he already had a body count trailing behind him, what was one more? Surely there would be an even longer trail by the time they met. So long as Cloud didn't enjoy doing it once he was himself again, the Carrier supposed he could deal with it. He just had to train himself to not get caught up in it all; the worry and the upset he felt was starting to take its toll.

When he felt comfortable going back in and watching again, he found Cloud already in his bed again. Pierce wasn't anywhere in immediate eyesight, but a quick peek outside confirmed his fears. Pierce was dead, left in front of the cabin with his face planted in the mud. For as much as Leon really didn't like him, he still felt bad. Everything about him turned out to be relatively pitiful. The Carrier understood sexual preferences as things that humans were born with. If he put himself in Pierce's shoes and thought about the situation he was in, Leon couldn't say that he wouldn't have eventually broken down and tried something desperate as well. Pierce didn't have any companions outside of what little civility he got from Cloud, so the Carrier could understand the appeal of trying for more.

His lifestyle was getting to the point where it was almost painful to be by himself. Sure, isolation made changing to his Primal form and keeping his privacy relatively easy, but there was a massive void in his life that had nothing to it. Cloud had Aerith even if they were separated, and Leon had planned on filling the emptiness with his family but the wait was torturous. It always had been. He couldn't help but feel envious of what Cloud and Aerith had. He didn't know what he could do to help himself that wouldn't end up hurting him later on. Making that sort of connection with someone would make leaving again extremely painful. He was lost.

* * *

"Squall?" Rinoa's voice piped from the other side of the door the next day. She knocked for what seemed like the millionth time in the last three minutes.

 _That's not my name. Go away_ , Leon grumbled to himself. He picked up his t-shirt from the previous day and pulled it on before going to find a pair of pants. Once dressed, he fumbled out into his common area and answered the door groggily.

"Good morning?" Rinoa asked.

"It's morning?" Leon asked deftly.

"Not really. It's actually about noon. Did you _just_ get up?"

"It's Sunday."

"So?"

"It's Sunday, which meant yesterday was Saturday and I stayed up really fucking late. So yes, I did just get up," he said. In reality, he hardly slept because he was too busy anxiously thinking about Cloud and staring at his ceiling. But Rinoa didn't need to know that.

"Fair enough. I was wondering if you wanted to go out and get some lunch and like… some sun. You've stayed in your cave for the last three days."

"I'm glad you noticed."

"So I take it that's a 'no'?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"No."

"Wait, which is it?"

"Yes that is a 'no.' I'm in a really foul mood. I'd rather spare you my negativity and crawl under a rock somewhere," he grumbled. Rinoa scowled.

"I worry about you, you know. You never smile and you're never happy."

"I have a lot to stress over. I'm sorry I worry you, but I can't change it. Just let it go and save yourself a lot of headaches."

"I want to help."

"I know you do. We've had this discussion before."

"And you still won't let me."

"I don't even know what you could do for me. It has nothing to do with you personally."

"Still…" she said sadly. Having any sort of relationship with anyone was turning into more of a burden than Leon had ever anticipated. He constantly felt guilty for not making anyone happy to be around him, but there wasn't anything he could do to change it. He would've loved to have a friend that didn't worry about him, just so he could have their companionship without any baggage attached. He sighed.

"Whatever you think you can do to help me you're free to do. I honestly can't think of anything but I'm not prepared to go out of my way to accommodate whatever plan you come up with, either. I'm just telling you that now."

"Okay," she agreed. He relented and stood aside so she could come in. He locked the door once it closed and trudged back into his bedroom and flopped face-first onto his bed again. She watched him curiously. "You're going back to bed?"

"Yes. I'm half dead."

"Okay… what would you like me to do in the meantime?"

"Like I said, that's all on you. But I really need to sleep before I can attempt to be social otherwise I might end up breathing fire and chewing on people," he said, rolling onto his stomach and hugging his pillow to his face.

"Alright," Rinoa said, standing awkwardly in the doorway. She stayed there for a few minutes, thinking, before she decided on something. She went to sit on the couch to remove her shoes and then came back to his bedroom. Without asking, she climbed into bed with him, straddled his hips and used his butt as a seat. Leon's eyes flew open in surprise and he was immediately uncomfortable with where things were going. But before he could turn and protest, Rinoa pressed her hands into his back and started kneading. Once she ran over a particularly tight knot under his shoulder blade, he suddenly didn't care that she was sitting on him anymore. There was something to be said for the simple pleasures in life.

He didn't remember falling asleep. All he knew was when he woke up again, he felt substantially better. Being able to notice improvement in his mood was comforting; it reassured him he wasn't going insane and was capable of feeling something positive. Another thing he noticed was that he was extremely warm, borderline uncomfortable. That was because, for some reason, Rinoa had parked herself in his bed with him and was snoozing away as if it was completely normal and not creepy. Of course, for Leon, it wasn't completely normal and was creepy as hell.

 _I have a couch and another bed she could've used. Why the hell is she in here?_ He asked himself confusedly. His alarm clock told him it was past two, which meant she had been next to him for over two hours. _That doesn't make me feel better._

"Hey," he said, jabbing her in the forehead with his index finger. She flinched and pulled away, furrowing her brows together. She opened her eyes and frowned at him.

"What was that for?" she asked sleepily, rubbing her eye.

"Who gave you permission to sleep with me?"

"…What?"

"That… that came out wrong," Leon muttered, rubbing his brows with a sigh. "You know what I mean, though."

"Yeah, but it still threw me for a loop. Sorry."

"Well whatever, the question still stands. I don't remember inviting you to drool on my pillows."

"You're not the only one in the world who stays up late and takes naps, you know. You fell asleep and as a matter of convenience, this is where I ended up. For the record, though, I had been using your ass as a chair for almost a half hour beforehand so I honestly didn't think I was invading your personal space."

"Where I come from, there's a nursery rhyme that involves some random girl sleeping in other people's beds. Bears were involved and they weren't happy about it."

"Are you telling me you're a bear?"

"I could be," Leon grumbled and pushed himself up. Instead of taking his discomfort seriously, Rinoa decided to laugh.

"Okay Mister Ferocious-Bear. I'm sorry for falling asleep in your bed. You look better though."

"I feel better."

"Good."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said with a smile. She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair, pushing it back into place. "So about lunch."

"What was your plan again?"

"Finding something to eat and walking around town, mostly. Window shopping and getting fresh air and stuff."

"And stuff."

"Yes. Whatever we come up with."

"I see."

"You don't sound very thrilled. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"No, I'm just trying to figure out a polite way to get you to leave so I can shower, brush my teeth, and change my clothes."

"Oh. Well okay then. I can come back in an hour."

"That's fine," Leon agreed. Rinoa giggled and scooted out of his bed and made her way out of his dorm. Once she was gone, he felt like he could breathe a little easier.

* * *

"You don't eat very much," Rinoa noted, pushing the remnants of her salad around. Leon shrugged.

"I can't eat much. A lot of things make me sick so I have to be very selective."

"Oh."

"Did you think I did it on purpose?"

"Sort of."

"If I could eat a wider variety of things without spending the rest of the day in the bed, I would. Believe me. Eating the same things day in and day out is very boring."

"Aw, that sucks. I'm sorry," she said. He waved a dismissive hand and the conversation died. He was silently thankful for Rinoa's annoying pushiness. Getting out into the sun and smelling the salty air that wafted in from the port was an amazing remedy for cabin fever. He hadn't realized how cooped up he had felt. He just blamed all of his stress on Cloud.

"Finished?" he asked when he noticed Rinoa paying more attention to the view down the street than she was her dish. They were sitting outside at a little café that was just off the port. It was hardly a two minute walk before they'd hit the boardwalk. Consequently, the fish Leon had eaten was like a baked orgasm for him. He missed his fresh fish something fierce. The food at the Garden wasn't terrible, but it was a far cry from home cooking (or lack thereof as the case may have it).

"Yeah," Rinoa said. Leon took it upon himself to take their dishes back inside and pay their tab. When he met the girl back outside she was giving him strange looks.

"What?" he asked.

"You didn't have to pay. I would've covered my end."

"It's fine. Don't worry about it," he said.

"Okay. But give me a chance to protest next time so I don't feel like a complete mooch."

"Alright. I'll make sure to signal when you're supposed to start complaining."

"Good. I'll keep an eye out," she said, laughing a little. They headed out of the café together and out onto the sidewalk. The roads reminded Leon of the roads back home. There was hardly enough space for a car to fit down them without smacking into the general public, so people tended to do a lot of walking. As a result, the majority of the shops were on narrower streets whereas the hotels and residences were on the wider streets because people needed to cart things back and forth with their cars to those places.

The pair spent the better part of two hours wandering around and occasionally stopping to stare at window displays. Rinoa did most of the looking; taking her time to inspect every shoe and accessory she came across. Leon mostly watched the people. He noticed there were a lot of dogs. Or rather, people walking dogs. Every now and again one would stop as it passed him in order to sniff his leg with extreme interest. Usually it ended in the owner's apology while they tried to drag the animal away from him. It was amusing as much as it was embarrassing. He knew he probably didn't smell like a normal person to them. He was thankful humans were oblivious in that regard.

"Aw! Look at the puppies!" Rinoa cooed, pressing her face up against a pet store window. Tumbling puppies of all colors and breeds rolled around together in a large open window display. Leon was willing to bet most of the people stopped and had the same reaction Rinoa did. She even went the extra mile to grab his hand and pull him inside the store itself so she could get even closer. Leon wrinkled his nose, immediately assaulted with the scents of countless animals mixed with various cleaning agents. The worst was the animal food. He didn't even have to be near it to know where it was.

"I take it you're a dog person?" he asked, standing next to Rinoa as she leaned over the wall that kept the puppies at bay. An entire mob of yapping fur had migrated to her and a dozen tongues were waggling around trying to lick her fingers.

"I love dogs," she said distractedly. She pulled herself back and looked around thoughtfully. "I wonder if someone will let me hold one," she said.

"Have fun with that," Leon said.

"Don't want to join me?"

"No thank you."

"Oh… okay," she said dejectedly and made her way over to the checkout counter to pester one of the clerks. Leon wandered off to see what he could see.

 _This is almost insulting_ , he told himself, picking up a can of cat food as he walked by. He turned it over in his hands until he found the ingredient label, nearly vomited when he read the first line, and then put it back. He felt bad for whatever poor unsuspecting kitten would end up eating it. He wove through the aisles, scoffing at asinine toys and supposed 'enrichment' material cats were expected to play with. Coming from a Totem that was centered on a cohesive unit of family, he didn't think the tiny plastic mice and wiggly feather toys were necessary. Several cats grouped together could entertain themselves just fine with something to scratch and a ball to smack around. They sleep eighty percent of the time anyway.

At the back of the store, there was a wall of little house-like shelters. Each unit was connected to another one by way of a carpeted ramp or a hole in the wall, making the entire thing one giant playhouse. As if to further prove his point, most of the cats that the enclosure contained were piled together in one three foot section snoozing the day away. The few strays that were wandering around were either heading back to the pile, eating, or relieving themselves. Thrilling. There were holes punched into the plastic walls just big enough for him to stick a finger in and give a sleeping body a scratch. The cat jolted awake and whipped its head around to look at him. He nearly melted when he saw its startling gold eyes. He immediately wanted fifty to take home with him.

"Did you want to hold one?" asked a clerk that apparently had the ability to materialize from nowhere.

"Yes," Leon answered before he could even think about it. She smiled.

"Which one?"

"The black one right there," he said, poking the cat he woke up through the plastic. The clerk dug in her pocket for her keys and went through a door that led into a small area behind the enclosure. She unlocked a back panel that slid open behind the area where the cats were sleeping and dug the black one out of the pile. She closed it again, came out from the back area, and led Leon over to a tiny cubicle-like place he could sit in and play with the cat without worrying about the animal escaping into the rest of the store. He decided to sit on the floor versus the tiny bench he was offered and was handed the cat. The clerk left afterward but didn't stray very far.

"It seems we have come to an impasse," Rinoa piped, peeking over the cubicle's wall at him.

"Why do you say that?" he asked casually without looking at her. He was way more concerned about cuddling.

"You're a cat person and I'm a dog person. I don't know if we can be friends," she joked. She came around to a side where they could see each other. "That's cute," she said. Leon raised a brow and looked at her finally.

"What?"

"You're smiling," she said. The Carrier hadn't realized he was.

"I have the ability to," he said, turning his attention back to the cat.

"I was beginning to think you didn't."

"Sorry to dash your hopes then," he said sarcastically, squishing a paw between his thumb and index finger gently, feeling the fleshy pads underneath. Cat feet were the cutest kind of feet in his opinion. Then again, he supposed he was a little biased.

"I'm glad you proved me wrong," she said with a smile. The clerk allowed him to sit around for about twenty minutes with the cat before she said she needed to take him back. Leon almost cried. Not literally, but there tears were there on the inside. A few more pets and a couple of licks on his fingertips later, and it was time to say goodbye.

_I'd lick you back, but that might be sort of weird._

"I should get you twenty cats and just… staple them to you so you'd smile all the time," Rinoa quipped as they left together.

"Don't need staples," Leon said, looking to her. "You are _covered_ in dog hair, by the way," he said. He could've told her she smelled like a dog but he felt that would've been a bit rude. She looked down at her shirt and brushed at the hairs with little success.

"I didn't even think of that," she said. She scowled at him and his apparent lack of cat hair. It was there, Leon knew, but holding a black cat while wearing a black shirt had its advantages.

* * *

"So we should do this again. Soon," Rinoa said as they headed down the main dormitory hallway together.

"Which part?" Leon asked.

"All of it was okay with me. I know you didn't appreciate me sleeping next to you but it was alright in my book."

"It was just unexpected. I've been by myself for so long it's hard for me to remember that people are allowed to spend time together, regardless of what they're doing."

"So I've noticed."

"I'm working on it," he muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "Sorry I'm not the easiest person to be around."

"Why are you apologizing? It was fun. I enjoyed myself."

"Oh. Really?"

"You don't believe me?"

"Well I—"

"Don't be like that. No, you're not perfect, and it took me a little bit to wade through the negativity to see something I liked, but its there. I wish you'd see it too."

"Thank you. And… I'll try," he said, feeling somewhat childish and a little like he was being scolded. Rinoa wasn't convinced and grabbed his arm and tugged him so he leaned towards her. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek.

"I like you, so there isn't any reason you shouldn't like you too," she said. She left him standing in the middle of the hallway, dumbfounded. Her room was a few steps away and she disappeared inside before he could pull himself together again. He continued on towards his room, confused, and doubting himself more than ever. He was paying attention to the floor more than he was anything else and someone ended up bumping into his shoulder. He turned quickly to apologize but then stopped himself.

"Oh. It's you," he said flatly, glaring at Seifer. He was travelling by himself, which was new. His little posse was hardly ever far from his side.

"Well don't sound so excited."

"You must have misheard me, because I was pretty sure my tone of voice held nothing but displeasure."

"Whatever you say, fairy. Have fun with that piece," Seifer said snidely, motioning towards Rinoa's door. "She's a little loose but I'm sure it would've felt that way anyway, even if I hadn't been there first."

"You're disgusting, you know that?"

"Why? Because I speak the truth about things I'm _intimately_ familiar with?"

"No, because you can't say anything without insulting someone else in the process. All it does is give you an ugly character; you're not impressing anyone. And it's really no wonder she left you if that's how you talk about women. I don't even understand what she saw in you in the first place," Leon said. Seifer laughed.

"Well she obviously liked it. She hung around long enough for me to break her in, anyway."

"And only just, right? Once she got tired of your gherkin, she saw a better example of a man in an anatomy book and realized what a mistake you were and what she was missing out on," the Carrier said. Seifer's face lost a bit of its condescending smirk as he tried to figure out what Leon had implied. Then the brunette realized that Seifer probably had no idea what he was talking about. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "A gherkin is a tiny pickle, about two inches long at most. Men in anatomy books tend to have small genitals because the focus is on the body itself versus what's below the belt. I was calling your penis small, dumbass."

"Tch. Don't think I knew that?"

"No, I honestly didn't. I'm obviously wasting my brain cells on you," Leon said, turning to leave. Seifer glared at his back, huffing and puffing angrily to himself, but didn't act on it and headed off in the other direction. Leon shook his head all the way back to his room.

He was over the encounter quickly and wondered what he should do with the rest of his day. He had tried calling Reno on multiple occasions but the redhead hadn't picked up in a long while. Leon assumed his friend was making progress with Rude. He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to tune into that scene. He could be mentally scarred for life by the images that would accompany various noises. But before he could decide, there was a knock on his door. It was Rinoa. She abruptly shoved herself into him, wrapping his midsection in a hug.

"Thank you," she said.

"You're welcome? What for?"

"For defending me."

"You heard that?"

"I sometimes hear Seifer's voice when he isn't in the room. Yes, I heard you two."

"Oh. Well… it wasn't a problem," Leon said. _I'll just ignore the fact that she hallucinates hearing things._

"I'll make it up to you," she said, pulling away enough so they could see each other comfortably. The Carrier scowled.

"What? No. That's not how it's supposed to work."

"I don't think you know how much it means to me that you stuck up for me. I can't remember the last time someone did that."

"Which is even more of a reason for you to not feel obligated to pay me back."

"That makes no sense."

"Sure it does. Because you need to get used to it. I'd do it again if I had to. Hopefully I won't need to, but after a few times it shouldn't feel like such a novelty and it can just be… normal; which is what it really needs to be like. You don't need to pay people back for having a positive opinion of you. Just accept it and don't change for the worse," he said. Rinoa's eyes started watering as she stared at him. He immediately felt like he had just stabbed her. "I'm sorry, did that not come out right? I totally meant that to be positive."

"It was… I just... I'm not used to this," she said shakily. She reached up and hugged him around his neck. He hugged her back with the hope that she'd stop crying and confusing the hell out of him. "This is the best birthday ever," she mumbled into his shoulder.

"…It's your birthday? Why didn't you tell me?"

"…I told you I'm not use to this. I didn't think it mattered."

"Sure it does," he said, pulling back. "I would've gotten you something."

"You did. You bought me lunch."

"Oh… I suppose I did. Well that turned out better than I had expected," he said flatly. She laughed, pulling away and looking up at him again. He wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb and she smiled. "Are you okay now?" he asked.

"I was okay before."

"The tears sort of threw me off. I'm awful with this, if you recall."

"Awful at what? Being nice? Lies."

"Awful at understanding, I guess would be a better way of putting it. I don't read people very well. Having to actually do it is new for me in a lot of ways."

"…Have…have you never had a girlfriend before?" she asked, squinting at him skeptically.

"Um… no."

"…Huh. That comes off as weird to me."

"I'm not really sure what to say to that."

"Don't worry about it, it's just an observation on my end," she said. She picked a piece of fuzz off his shirt idly. "How about… I'll work on accepting positive reinforcement, and you work on reading people. We can help each other and see what comes of it. Is… is that okay?"

"Sounds okay to me."

"Okay," she said, taking a deep breath. "I need to think about some stuff… but I'll come back later. If you're available."

"You know where to find me," he said. She nodded with a small smile and stepped back into the hall so his door would close. Leon hadn't noticed when it started beeping. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and ran his fingers through his hair, wondering if what he was doing was an okay thing to do. He felt guilty, but he didn't know why exactly. He chocked it up to saying goodbye to Rinoa eventually and possibly hurting her. But even as he thought about it, that conclusion didn't feel accurate. But what did he know? Not much about people, of that he was certain. He startled out of his thoughts when his door popped open again. It was Rinoa again.

"And for the record, Seifer and I never had sex."

"What—Oh! Oh that. Whatever."

"He's never so much as seen me with my socks off; I honestly don't know why he feels he's a professional on my vagina."

"…Rinoa this conversation just went into uncomfortable territory."

"I'm just saying!" she squeaked, throwing her hands in the air and turning to leave. The door slid closed again with a very befuddled Leon on the other side.

 _What the_ _ **fuck**_? He asked himself.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 29**

"So did you get your dick wet yet?" Reno asked earnestly, sounding a little too giddy for Leon's tastes.

"Why the fuck do I even bother calling you?" he asked grumpily. He didn't appreciate the lack of proper greeting followed by the immediate invasion of his personal life.

"Oh come on! I didn't talk to you for months after hearing about this cutie you have hanging around; forgive me for thinking you weren't completely dense and actually got somewhere with her. I just assumed you were that cool."

"Goodbye, Reno."

"No wait! I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"Yeah I am; I just wanted to be happy for you. So what's the matter? What's stopping you?"

"Why do you assume there's something going on between us? Am I not allowed to have female friends?"

"If you expect me to believe the 'just friends' crock, then you obviously don't know me well enough," Reno said with a huff. Leon sighed.

"Nothing is stopping me, but we haven't even kissed properly yet so it's not exactly something I can leap into without coming off as… well, coming off like _you_."

"Ouch. You wound me with your words."

"You know it's true."

"Yeah, I know. But no face sucking, really?"

"Reno, we established this… dating situation less than two days ago. Give me a minute, okay?"

"Yeah fine," the redhead sighed. "I want details though. Big fat juicy details."

"No."

"You ruin my fun so readily. You're a terrible friend."

"I don't feel the need to give you a play-by-play of what I do with my relationships, alright? That's my own business."

"Well, I have no problem with sharing. I'm generous like that."

" _Wonderful_ ," Leon grumbled sarcastically. "Does that mean you've met up with Rude?"

"Yes I did! Sort of. He's aware that I'm alive."

"Well it's a start. Does he live in your apartment complex or something?"

"No, I actually moved out of there. But when the soldiers came for him in Gongaga, they kept him around for a while before shipping him off to the Shinra Corporation. The president there, Rufus, apparently needs guards. But I guess he has higher standards or something and likes his help to be semi-educated instead of brainless soldiers. Which, if you're a big shot like him, isn't really a bad idea. Anyway, Rude hung around there for a bit and I went and applied. Then I had to stay there, too. There were a few other applicants and the company grouped us together and we had to take a few tests."

"Tests? Like written tests?"

"There were a couple if those; real basic stuff. But then they had the physical tests. They had us lift stuff, see how fast we could run, if we had any fighting experience, again, really basic stuff. Of that group, Rude and I were the only ones with any potential, or so they said. Then the others were kicked out and we were assigned to live in this… I don't even know how to describe it. It was sort of like a hotel room but a prison. We each had our own rooms and we weren't allowed to come out, or have any contact with anyone."

"For how long?"

"Almost five months. They explained that the work we would be doing was really important and may be top secret, so they needed to see our contacts. Apparently they wanted to isolate us to see who came looking for us. Rude's parents know he probably isn't coming back and I'm… well you get it. So apparently we're hired. I just got my computer back today. I was about to call you when you called me. Good timing."

"Wow. That all sounds so weird."

"Well the Shinra Corporation is a huge company. They're the guys that make the Mako reactors and run the power plants. You could imagine Rufus Shinra has a lot of enemies. If his company falls apart, the war would most likely end. Not a lot of people realize that."

"It's tempting for me to go off and mention it to someone here."

"Don't, dude. That's not why we're here."

"I know. I'm sure Balamb isn't that stupid either," Leon said, slouching in his seat.

"Maybe. I honestly don't know or care. I have my goal in sight and that's all I want to focus on," Reno said.

"Me too."

"They relocated me to the Headquarters and I get to bum around while Rufus is here, and work when he needs to leave. So like… I have to train a little every day but other than that, I get to do whatever. My room is nice. A lot like a fancy hotel room but with a little kitchen area added. There's only two other people aside from me and Rude who work as Rufus' body guards. A lot of the time while we're working, we're watching him to make sure he's okay. He has geostigma real bad."

"Oh really? Does he have all his affairs in order? I would imagine it would be a problem when he dies otherwise."

"Honestly? I have no idea. I would assume he does. He doesn't have any kids though, no family, at least none that I've seen. Again, it isn't my concern. I'll do my job while I'm here, but otherwise, it's secondary."

"Right. That's not a bad way to be."

"I'm glad you agree. Something I've noticed, though, is there is a lot of military activity in the Headquarters. I sort of expected more politicians or government people, but there are a _ton_ of soldiers just wandering around. There's actually a legit prison under the building. Maybe that's why they're here, but I really don't know what kind of prisoners they would keep here. You'd think they'd have somewhere else to keep them."

"That is strange. Maybe it has something to do with employees and leaking trade secrets or something else company specific."

"I have no idea. Ah well. Not my problem."

"I'm surprised you're not gushing more about Rude."

"There isn't much to gush about. He knows I'm here and that I exist, but like I said, I just got my computer back. I wasn't able to watch him for a long time. I've seen him maybe… twice after we finished the application process. I'm going to try and not stalk him, with my cameras or otherwise; I'd like to start things off normally."

"It's reassuring to hear you say that. Regardless, you need to be careful. You're still in Midgar, and they still don't take homosexuality very well."

"I know. I hate it here. I'd really just like to grab him and run."

"I feel the same with Cloud."

"How is he? Hanging in there?"

"He's… alive. And that's really the only positive thing I can say," Leon said with a deep sigh. He explained to Reno everything that had transpired since they talked last; Cloud's decline in health and mental stability, the Mako, the blood on his hands, and his torture. The brunette had to stop on several occasions in order to calm himself some before continuing. Having to recall it all was upsetting, perhaps even more so than when he witnessed it all. What was worse was the anxiousness of knowing what was coming next: Cloud's test.

"Holy fuck, dude. That's terrible," Reno said. Leon could picture the deep frown and the crease in the redhead's brow.

"I know. The only thing keeping me sane at this point is knowing that Cloud will see Aerith again."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he might smile again."

"You're so cute."

"It's true though. I'm tired of seeing him so unhappy. It really hurts to see him like that."

"I hope he can smile for you, then."

"I hope so too. I'm dreading going home in some ways."

"Why?"

"Because I know he's going to need a lot of help. It's not going to be fun getting him healthy again; mentally and physically. At the very least he's going to need a lot of dental work, and maybe even surgery to clear up any major damage to his digestive tract. He probably has ulcers out the ass, damage to his valves, and it may go so far as to fuck around with the rest of him too. I won't know until I get him home, but I hope he trusts me enough by that point to let me help him."

"He will. No worries. I wish I could help you, though."

"The only thing that will genuinely help me is taking him out of there. Until that happens… I just can't be comfortable. I've tried. I really have. I just worry about him constantly."

"I know how much that sucks, but I still think that's really fucking cute. You have no idea how much you love him already."

"…The hell are you talking about?"

"You love him."

"I… care about him. He's my Charge. He's important to me. I don't exactly want to marry him, but I give a damn when something happens to him."

"But for a while there you were all 'function over emotion' and now it's different. You're changing. It's a good thing. I'm happy."

"I don't know where you come up with this shit."

"Is it really that much of a bad thing? Why are you so against it?"

"I'm not…" Leon sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Okay fine. I'll play along. I'm madly in love with Cloud. I want to have two-point-five gay babies with him and live in a house with a white picket fence. The only problem with that is _he isn't gay_. I know this because I've seen him tear Aerith's vagina a new one on several occasions. He also killed a guy for getting a little too touchy, if you recall."

"I don't see how any of that matters."

"…Reno, you're an idiot."

"No I'm not! Who says he has to be gay? Or straight? Or even bisexual? He doesn't have to be anything other than Leonsexual. That's what matters. At least, it _should_ matter."

"Leonse—Good fucking god," Leon grumbled, holding his face in his hands. His patience was running out.

"Why is that such a bad thing?"

"Why do you think I need to brainwash him into loving me? Isn't it enough that I care about him? Why do we have to be head over heels for each other?"

"Because love is good."

"Yay? And if I have to trick him into forgetting that I don't have a vagina or breasts, what part of that is honest and loving?"

"I would've thought you'd see past the sexual part of it. Sex is nice. It helps the bond and it's the ultimate gift you could give to someone else. But that's not what things should be based on. We say 'homosexual' or 'heterosexual' and people get caught up on the 'sexual' part when all that means is gender as a general term. 'Homosexual' has nothing to do with fucking. It means that someone would rather spend their time and have a relationship with someone of the same sex. Whether or not you agree with that is irrelevant because what I meant by 'Leonsexual' is that he should rather have _you._ Not your dick or your balls or your Adam's apple or anything else male-specific. You don't have to trick him into liking you as a person, dude. That's not how it works. Rude isn't gay, either, if you remember."

"And if I said I didn't want a relationship with him? Would that matter to you at all?"

"I think you're lying to yourself, if you think that. It doesn't matter what I think in the long run. I'm just trying to get you to understand that it's not so cut and dry. 'I can't love him because he doesn't like naked guys' is a _really_ shit argument against loving someone. Humans thrive on companionship and there isn't a law somewhere saying that you couldn't give that to him. Once that's established, you can work on the rest of it. But you have to be willing to love him first."

"You assume I want all this."

"You said it yourself that you don't want to be alone. I have a hard time believing you're going to go out and find someone illegally. You're too straight edge for that."

"What if I told you I was reconsidering that decision?"

"You'd be lying to me. I can tell just by listening. Look at it this way: he's going to need someone. He's gotten into too much shit to just up and leave and be able to forget it all. He's going to need support, a lot of it, and if you can't do anything else for him other than give him a bro-hug and a pat on the back, then you're going to fuck him over more than he already is. He _needs_ someone. If you're going to take him away from Aerith, then you're all he'll have. Even if he doesn't understand to what extent your care goes to, he still needs that love. I mean… I haven't seen any of the shit he's gone through and I already want to tuck him in bed, pet his stupid unicorn hair, and tell him it'll be okay. I don't understand how you can be so compassionate with other things but so cold when it comes to your personal life."

"Cloud has nothing to do with my personal li—"

"Yes he _fucking_ does!" Reno yelled angrily. "Don't you even fucking tell me that. You can sit there and argue with yourself on whether or not you love him but I'll be damned if I let you delude yourself into believing he doesn't have any pull on your personal life. If you really _truly_ believe that he doesn't matter then you better pack up and go the fuck home. It's _insulting_ that you would push him away so readily when he's done nothing to deserve it! You said you cared about him!"

"I do!" Leon defended.

"Obviously not! If he's just a means to an end, then you're in the wrong business, jackass. He. Is. Your. _Charge_. He is the most important person in your life whether you like it or not! You picked him! Not the other way around! You need him more than he needs you at this point! You don't need to get married, you don't have to love him, you don't even have to fucking like him, but you _have_ to _value_ him! Pull your head out of your ass and understand that you can't hold him at arm's length despite whatever fucked up perception you have."

"Why the hell does any of this concern you? You practically order me around and try to dictate my personal life to me and you _wonder_ why I get angry and defensive! My life doesn't change just because of what you think and what you tell me to do. You have no control over me or my feelings, let alone my project. It is _none_ of your business! Fuck off!"

"It doesn't concern me? Your project doesn't have anything to do with me?"

"That's right. It's _mine._ "

"Fuck you, Leon. Fuck you and the pedestal you hold yourself up on. In case you forgot, our world is _dead_. It's our job, as Carriers, to fix it. You can think that our projects are separate entities, and you may be right in some contexts, but it doesn't change the fact that we're on the same planet working for the same god damned purpose. _Everything_ we do is connected to _everything_ else, even though our climates and ecosystems are on two different sides of the world. It is disgusting that you'd be so selfish to think otherwise.

So yeah, I want you to be successful because I'm your friend, but more importantly, I want you to be successful because I'm a Carrier too. I get it. I know how this shit works. Your retarded backwards mentality on how you think you can handle things really bothers me because you're setting yourself up for failure. Treating your Charge as an object instead of an extension of yourself basically kicks every Carrier principle in the balls. I'm allowed to be angry. I'm allowed to be insulted even though you've done nothing but hurt yourself. I care way too much to let you fuck yourself over and take everyone else down with you. If you still don't get how much this matters, then go home and start over. Think about it for twenty-some-odd years like I did and _wake the_ _ **fuck**_ _up._ "

Leon didn't know what to say. What started off as a fairly normal 'Reno is complaining again' sort of conversation quickly spiraled into something far more than what the brunette had bargained for. He couldn't deny that Reno had a point. He was setting himself up for failure, and it may have more impact than he once thought if he couldn't pull it together. He did know that he cared, though. He didn't want Cloud to be hurting, or unhappy, or unhealthy, but he hadn't thought about how he would fix it all. It never occurred to him that it might be his responsibility to keep Cloud in one piece once they crossed over together. What Reno said was true; once they went home, Leon would be all Cloud had. The brunette felt extremely guilty for assuming everyone and anyone but he was responsible for keeping his Charge happy.

He sighed, unable to come up with something to say.

"I encourage the love and the relationship because I'm your friend and I want you to be as happy as possible. But I encourage respect and care for your Charge because I'm a Carrier. Our world needs all the pieces in order to function properly and I don't want you to be the piece that holds us back," Reno said, his tone having calmed considerably. A heavy and lengthy silence passed between them before Leon sighed again.

"Okay," he deadpanned.

"I'm going to go. Don't… don't call me again. I'll call you when I decide I want to talk to you again," the redhead said flatly. The brunette was shocked and stared at his computer as the transmission abruptly ended and his dorm was plunged into stifling silence. His brain hurriedly flipped through the conversation, trying to absorb all of Reno's words as quickly as possible. His chest started to ache and the deepening feeling of loneliness crept into the corners of his mentality. He ran a shaking hand over his face, attempting to put his thoughts and feelings in order. It didn't work very well, and he was left with a mild sense of panic.

He needed some air. He left his room and wandered out into the hall. It was late, going on midnight, and everything was dark save for the security lights. He left his building and made his way into the central courtyard, breathing in the crisp evening air. There were so many thoughts swimming around his head, he couldn't think straight. He ended up wandering out into a wide expanse of manicured grass and finding one of a few trees to sit against. He tried to calm himself, to put his thoughts in order of importance and what he could fix right away. Too much was going wrong, and the heavy sense of failure was muddling everything. After a while he was able to breathe a little easier. That's when he heard noises coming from behind a nearby expanse of bushes.

Overly curious, Leon decided he wanted to find the source, if for no other reason than to distract himself. It didn't sound like some enormous monster that was going to attack him, but more like a rabbit shuffling around or something else furry he could go 'aw so cute' at. But as he drew closer to the bush, the sounds turned more… wet. He was immediately suspicious, wasn't sure if he wanted to press on, but did anyway. What he found threw his brain off the deep end. He stood there, staring with wide eyes, as Seifer and Zell were making a serious effort to suffocate one another with their tongues. Seifer was rushing to get Zell's pants off and Leon suddenly found himself seeing _way_ more of his friend than he ever wanted to.

" _Whoa_! Okay, that's not what I was expecting," he blurted. The pair startled and screamed in tandem. Seifer immediately stopped what he was doing and looked away, not able to look Leon in the eye. Zell hurriedly covered himself and tried to stand up. The brunette put his hands up, surrendering. "No no, don't let me disturb anything. Just… be quieter next time," he said awkwardly, leaving them behind as he forced his legs to move in the other direction. Halfway across the courtyard, Zell caught up with him and stopped him by grabbing his shoulder.

"Hey. Wait," he said weakly. Leon raised a brow at him.

"Look, I don't care who or what you get involved with. I don't care if you're gay, I don't care that Seifer is too, I'm _trying_ not to care that I saw your penis, and I'm ignoring just about every other thought. It's okay. You don't have to explain anything," the Carrier said. Zell sighed heavily and rubbed the back of his neck. In the background, Seifer was making his way back into the dormitories through another walkway, purposely avoiding them both.

"Don't… don't tell anyone. Please. It's already hard enough trying to keep it all hidden."

"Why do you have to hide?" Leon asked, regretting that he couldn't stop himself.

"Just because Balamb doesn't persecute gays, doesn't mean it makes it any easier to be one. People still judge. It's unavoidable."

"I thought you hated Seifer."

"It was a cover. We've been together for three years."

"So Rinoa…"

"She was a cover too."

 _Huh. Well that explains a lot_ , Leon noted.

"He graduated two years before I did and… purposefully held himself back so we could graduate from here together and be deployed at the same time."

"Why… are you telling me this?" Leon asked hesitantly.

"Because I feel like I have to. I don't know. You scared me."

"I'm not out to make enemies with you. You don't have to be afraid of me."

"I'm not worried about you getting upset with me. I heard about your argument with Seifer and… I know about everything that's happened and I don't… I don't want this to be fodder for some grudge you have against him," Zell said, pushing his brows together worriedly. Leon scowled.

"You have so little faith in my maturity."

"Sorry. I guess I've sort of trained myself into thinking that it's a big deal."

"Zell, your shoulders are about as big as my face. I don't understand why you're afraid of persecution. You're obviously not weak or feeble or anything like that and… neither is Seifer for that matter. It's not like you're being a stereotype and are going to wilt away if someone finds out."

"Still…"

"I'm only saying this because you're obviously not happy with hiding."

"I'm not. It sucks. I didn't like when Seifer and Rinoa were around each other, I don't like sneaking, and I don't like denying everything when someone says something. But… Seifer wants it this way."

"Is he ashamed?"

"He's scared. His family wouldn't support him; his dad was always kind of harsh. At least I know my mom would get over it eventually. Her biggest goal in life at this point is to play grandma, but there're ways around that. I don't think she'd care where the babies came from so long as she can hold them and have them spit up on her," Zell explained, laughing a bit.

"Your mom doesn't know?"

"Not yet, no. Don't tell her."

"That's not my place. Plus, I don't even know what she looks like."

"True."

"I will say that it was sort of a dick move to use Rinoa like that."

" _Yeah_ , I know. I didn't agree with that at all. But he met her while he was here without me and she got sort of clingy, I guess. People started assuming things and then he got the idea in his head and… I have no idea why he let it go as long as he did. Again, he was probably scared. He thinks people won't respect him if they know."

"…I don't respect him because he's an ass. Not because he's gay," Leon said. Zell smirked.

"But it's a very nice ass."

"Ew, okay stop it," the Carrier said, scrunching his face up disdainfully. Zell laughed.

"You should've seen the face you made. You looked like a little kid who just tried broccoli for the first time."

"I hate broccoli."

"See? My point is valid."

"Yeah well…whatever. Your secret is safe with me. I can tell Seifer that too."

"Will you?"

"Sure," Leon said. Zell nudged him towards the doorway leading back into the dormitory complex's hallways. The blonde hurried along towards his dorm with Leon almost jogging to keep up with him. Zell yanked him into the dorm where Seifer was lounging on their couch looking surly with his arms crossed over his chest. He sat up quickly.

"What the fuck? Why would you bring him here?" he barked at Zell, immediately offended.

"Stop it. Its fine," the other blonde spat back.

_Oh the love. It's drowning me._

"What do you want?" Seifer asked snidely, standing to loom over the brunette. "Come to ridicule us?"

"No. I just wanted to tell you that I won't say anything to anyone," the Carrier said.

"Fuck if I'd believe that."

"Look, pull the log out of your ass for a second and think about things. You're the one who started everything off on a hostile note between us. You're the one who's so paranoid about being found out or whatever that you jumped down my throat for _glancing_ at Rinoa. Like I'd steal your cover away and leave you exposed to everyone. I'm not here for that. I don't give two shits what you do with your dick or who you care about. You can back off now. It's okay."

"I still don't believe you."

"Then that's your problem. I've said my peace."

"Just… let it slide long enough to be civil. Please," Zell said, giving Seifer a disappointed face. The taller blonde gave him a sideways glance before letting out a grumbling sigh. He plopped himself on the couch again.

"Fine," he spat. Zell smiled a bit and looked to Leon.

"That's about as good as it's going to get, I'm afraid," he said. The Carrier shrugged.

"I wasn't expecting much."

"Yeah, me either, honestly," the shorter blonde admitted. Seifer scoffed and grinded his teeth together. Zell led Leon back out into the hallway. "Thanks for being cool about all this."

"One question, even though I know I'll probably regret it," Leon said.

"Okay?"

"Why outside? You have bedrooms."

"Well…" Zell trailed, cheeks turning pink. The Carrier suddenly had a bad feeling about the answer but didn't have time to stop him. "We can get sort of loud without noticing and the vents are all interconnected and… sound travels. Being outside in the open is sort of a reminder to keep it down. Plus, if someone does hear us through a window or something, they wouldn't know who it was right away since… we're not in our room."

"Yep. There's that regret," Leon sighed and rubbed his eyes. Zell laughed.

"Well, don't ask next time."

"Not going to. I hope there isn't a next time, honestly. For me, anyway."

"Yeah, I hope so too. Thanks again."

"No problem," Leon said. Zell smiled and ducked back into his dorm, leaving the brunette to himself. The Carrier couldn't say if anything was properly reconciled between him and Seifer, but he liked to think he accomplished something positive. It was a tiny bit of weight off his shoulders to think that there was just a little less to worry about. He did, however, pity Rinoa something fierce. He didn't know what time it was, but he trekked through the halls to her dorm anyway and knocked until she answered. She was half asleep and in her pajamas, as expected. She blinked at him tiredly.

"Is your clock broken?" she asked, rubbing an eye with a finger.

"No, I was just thinking," he said.

"About waking me up at one in the morning?"

"The time is irrelevant. The thinking part is what's more important."

"Uh… okay? Should I be worried?"

"No," he said, clearing the short distance between them and gently wrapping her in a hug. She was caught off guard and hesitated for a second but hugged him back tightly. They broke apart after a bit and Leon curled a finger under her chin and tilted her face upwards so he could plant a soft kiss on her lips. It was brief, but the point was clear. "Sorry for waking you up. I'll see you in the morning," he said, standing straight again. She stared at him, her eyes searching his face for some sort of explanation. He smiled and left quietly.

He wasn't exactly sure what compelled him to take such a step forward. Pity and trying to make up for what Rinoa lost while she was with Seifer was tugging at the back of his mind but he couldn't honestly say that was the whole reason. Regardless, he couldn't let himself think about much else. It was late and he had a lot of personal organization to do.

* * *

The morning of Cloud's test was nerve wracking. For Leon, anyway. The blonde couldn't care about anything after breakfast. He was doped up and sent on his way for a day of hard training and blissful forgetfulness. The Carrier had mixed feelings about Cloud's apparent lack of short term memory. Aside from the mental torment it caused his Charge, he wondered how much of it was permanent. He was hoping for a 'none of it' but with the way his life had been so far, he was willing to bet for an 'all of it.' That was the only detail he could really worry about anymore. He forced himself to try and take the rest of it with a grain of sand and deal with it when he was presented with it.

Killing a prisoner was apparently the highlight of everyone's month. Leon didn't know if Cloud was aware, but the entire camp was abuzz with gossip on how they get to actually see the weird blonde kid from Nibelheim actually kill someone. Previously it had been the trend that they just found the bodies lying around and knew where they came from. The Carrier couldn't blame them for their curiosity; there wasn't much else for them to be entertained with, but that didn't mean he was happy about it.

Once it was time to get started, Cloud's Commanding Officer called him out into the middle courtyard and handed him a knife. It was a small switchblade, hardly two inches long. Leon was secretly hoping for a gun or something relatively quick. He supposed that the blade was quicker than Cloud using his bare hands like he had become accustomed to, though. Anything was better than strangling people. Cloud seemed to agree and looked his new toy over with a curious fascination that made the Carrier's gut twist.

 _Stop looking at it like you're going to have sex with it_ … _You know what? No. Go ahead and try to fuck it. I only need your testicles anyway._

"So how am I supposed to do this? What's the protocol?" the blonde asked, idly pressing the release button on his knife and popping the blade in an out of the hilt. His C.O. shrugged.

"However you want to do it. You have three minutes from when the prisoner gets here to finish. Dead or dying, it doesn't matter, but we better have a corpse by the time five minutes is up."

"Yes sir," Cloud said distractedly. His Commanding Officer waved a signal towards the gates where a van was waiting. The vehicle ambled up to them and the doors popped open.

_You can't be serious._

A woman was shoved out of the back seat, her hands bound and her legs restricted with short chain between them. She didn't catch herself very well when she flopped out and landed on her stomach and forearms. The van left afterward, disappearing back to where it came from and allowing all the eyes peeking out of the cabin windows a full view of the party. The woman looked up at Cloud with fearful tears spilling out of her eyes. She didn't seem to fully understand what was happening, but was dressed in only an oversized shirt, was covered in dirt and bruises, and Leon was willing to bet she had been abused and raped prior to this. She probably knew whatever was going to happen wasn't very good.

"┌└┘││─Ⱶ┘=⌐⌠…?" she asked, her voice laced with fear. Cloud didn't understand her, but Leon did. _What are you going to do to me?_

"What'd she do?" the blonde asked.

"She's from Balamb," his C.O. explained.

"…That's it?"

"She's a woman, she makes more soldiers. Can't have that, now can we?"

_I bet you haven't been able to get a woman to willingly touch you in years. Ass._

"I suppose not," Cloud said. His C.O. looked at his watch.

"Your time starts now," he said simply. The blonde looked down at the woman and she visibly shrunk back. She pushed herself up onto her knees and assumed a begging position.

"Ⅎ⌐∟‗―└┐│─!" she cried. _I don't know why I'm here!_

"I'm sorry?" Cloud guessed, giving her a shrug. He held the knife up in plain view and clicked the button, popping the blade up like some sort of twisted surprise birthday present. The woman's eyes went wide and she panicked.

"‗⌠┐─! ─ⱵℲ┘⌐│┌└!" _I'll do anything! Please don't hurt me!_

 _I can't watch this…_ Leon trailed, covering his mouth with a hand, his gut twisting into knots. But he couldn't get himself to leave as he still wondered if Cloud would stop. He didn't. The blonde stepped around behind the woman, who immediately started trying to scramble away from him. He grabbed her hair and yanked her back into place, pulling her head back so her throat was exposed. She started sobbing, hoarse cries echoing in the silence of the courtyard. She begged him over and over to stop, that she didn't know what she did wrong or why she was there in the first place. She wasn't a prisoner. She was just some woman a soldier had picked up from somewhere, most likely.

Cloud didn't understand her though. Leon liked to think his Charge understood her tears as confessions for whatever sins she had done, that he thought she really was deserving of her fate and wasn't an innocent. He liked to think that the blonde would've stopped had they spoken the same language. Somewhere in the pits of Leon's stomach, he knew that was a wrong assumption though. Cloud looked too happy. Too at peace with what he was doing. He bent over the woman to see what he was doing, pulling her back by her hair more so her spine bent at a painfully sharp angle.

Her cries turned into a garbled mess of choking as her throat was quickly split open by Cloud's blade. It would have been enough to simply cut her and let her bleed out. Cloud had gone the extra mile to actually shove the blade into the soft flesh under her jaw and pull it across like he was opening a package. The woman's neck was partially bisected, a huge gaping hole spewing a waterfall of blood out in every direction. Her front was coated in barely a second. Cloud gave her head a sharp shove forward, planting her in the dirt at his feet, a wide puddle quickly spreading out from under her. His hand dripped red and he wiped it on his shirt carelessly. He looked to his C.O.

"Can I go now?" he asked simply. The man nodded.

"Pack your bags. You can leave in the morning. Keep that knife."

"Sounds good to me. Thanks," Cloud said, stepping on the woman's back to use it as a bridge to cross over the pond of blood on the ground.

Leon was frozen in his chair, at his breaking point. He felt sick and stewed in his nausea for several minutes before he was able to make himself teeter off to the bathroom. His legs turned to jelly and he flopped onto the floor next to the toilet. He was there for another minute before his revulsion got the better of him and he had no choice but to empty his stomach into the bowl. He may have been able to hold it together had Cloud not been so _joyful_ with what he had done. Leon was almost used to the death and the blood by that point, but the twisted happiness was new. It scared him more than anything else and he couldn't begin to think of ways to work past it.

His Charge was a murderer, and he was stuck with him for the rest of his life.


	30. Chapter 30

**Chapter 30**

Midgar's main military base was much more civil looking than the training camp. At least for Cloud it was a lot more civil. He was a Midgar native, and as such, got to stay on the native side of the base. Balamb soldiers were shipped off to the other side where the environment was much less hospitable looking. It was the first time in his life that Leon was thankful that Cloud was from Midgar. He had an actual bedroom with a toilet and shower and single bed all to himself. Granted, it was a little bigger than a shoebox, but the privacy was priceless.

Cloud had been signed in, measured for a uniform, and handed a large bundle of clothes before he was dumped off at his room and left to his own devices for the day. He was exhausted and spent a good two hours just lying in his new (and clean) bed. Leon was happy his Charge could have some peace. The Carrier took the quiet opportunity to read and try to relax. Cloud rolled around for a while, trying to get comfortable, but he obviously wasn't feeling well. Surprisingly, the officers at the camp hadn't given him any Mako before sending him off to the base. The Carrier thought the blonde was most likely having a bit of withdrawal as he was sweating and fidgety, but he wasn't concerned just yet.

The next morning was more of what Cloud had grown used to. He reported to the mess hall for a nice jolt of Mako and some breakfast (which he promptly ejected into the nearest toilet) and was whisked off get a physical. He was looked over, the doctor took note of his teeth and his resistance to Mako, deemed him 'healthy' and shooed him away. Leon laughed at the paltry excuse for medical care. Then again, had Cloud not been listed as 'healthy,' the Carrier couldn't say it would've changed anything. The blonde wandered around, attempting to not get lost, and eventually stumbled upon where he was supposed to be.

General Strahl's office was enormous, obnoxiously lavish, but extremely minimal. The furnishings (what little there were) were all dark woods with expensive-looking inlays with lush fabrics on the cushions. The floor was covered in plush maroon carpeting and the walls were a sterling marble. The General's desk was huge and much more organized and orderly compared to Dyne's. The General himself, though, was the most interesting. Instead of the General Strahl from the years past, it was Sephiroth who was sitting with his feet on the desk. He was much older, of course, and looked exactly how Leon had seen him in his Charge profile picture. Being only twenty-five and at his rank was impressive, but the wonderment was balanced by the pity as he was obviously a hairs breadth away from having geostigma. It was a waste of a life, to be sure.

"Do I know you?" Sephiroth asked, squinting at Cloud curiously. The blonde shrugged.

"If you do, I don't remember. Seems to happen a lot to me. Don't be offended."

"I couldn't give two damns if you remember me or not, I just need to remember if I'm supposed to punch you in the balls or not."

"…Why would you pu—"

"Because if you're worth taking up space in my memory, ninety percent of the time it was because you did something negative."

"Oh."

"But you weren't worth it, so whatever," Sephiroth said flippantly and took his feet off the desk and sat properly. He yanked a desk drawer open and stuffed his hand in a wide line of files. "Name."

"Cloud Strife."

"…Anyone ever tell you that your name is _completely_ faggy?"

 _…Is this guy serious?_ Leon scoffed, furrowing his brows.

"Not in those terms, exactly," Cloud grumbled.

"Well it is. You're lucky your C.O. will most likely call you by your last name," Sephiroth said. He fished around in the folders and retrieved Cloud's file and plopped it on his desk. It was overflowing with papers. "The fuck is all this?" the General mumbled, flipping through the ocean of paper.

 _Unprofessional_ , Leon sighed. The lack of couth and courtesy the man had was insulting.

"Damn, you have a lot of medical garbage. The hell is your problem?"

"Mako makes me sick."

"Join the club."

"No… I mean _really_ sick."

"You're not the only one."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Not everyone deals with it the same way. Everyone can get geostigma but it's pretty diversified otherwise. I'm not really surprised you have issues but… this is a little extensive. It doesn't really matter anyway," the General said, shoving Cloud's entire folder off his desk and scattering papers everywhere. He fixed a meaningful expression on the blonde. "We don't give out special treatment. You're expected to perform just as everyone else does."

"Yes sir," Cloud said with a tiny sigh.

"Good. What do you know how to do?"

"Not much. Well, nothing specific or like… a specialty."

"Good."

"That's a good thing?"

"Yes. That means I can make you do whatever the hell I want."

"…Oh."

"I need more swordsmen. Guess what you get to do?"

"Swing swords around?"

"I'm glad we agree."

"I don't have a choice?"

"Nope. Need to get you driving as well, by the way."

"Okay," Cloud deadpanned. He wasn't happy but he didn't have the energy or the gumption to argue. Sephiroth stood and came around his desk and nudged Cloud towards the door.

"Let's head over to the practice arena and see what we can get you into," he said, heading out of the room. Cloud trudged after him tiredly. Weaving through the buildings towards the back of the base made Leon dizzy; there were just too many directions and too many hallways and places to go. The sheer enormity of the base was frightening, and the Carrier feared for what else Midgar had hiding up its sleeve. Countless soldiers passed his lens by; so many that the base seemed like a city in of itself. Cloud was virtually oblivious to just about everything and simply followed after Sephiroth blankly.

"Where are we?" the blonde asked when they finally stopped inside a large building. It looked similar to an aircraft hangar but had row after row of garage doors lining the walls. It was multi leveled, with automatic lifts and winding staircases leading up to the upper catwalks.

"This is the arsenal. Or one of them anyway," the General said, heading off towards a lift. Cloud hurried after him and they ascended to the second floor, passing by more garage doors. A few yards down the catwalk and they stopped in front of one of them. There was a keypad off to the side and Sephiroth punched in the code and the door lifted. Inside was display after display of all kinds of blades. Huge hulking pieces of metal that no normal man should've been able to lift hung off the walls and sat on stands waiting for some poor soul to be assigned to them. In the back there was a fat blade that was almost two feet wide and probably teetering around five feet long.

The General unhooked it from its stand and held it like it was nothing before shoving it into Cloud's hands. The blonde hardly managed to hang onto the hilt before the tip of the blade dropped to the floor with a harsh ' _clank_.' Cloud nearly crashed to the floor with it. He lurched forward with the weight and attempted to regain his composure quickly. He tried pulling the blade up but wasn't able to. He strained and grunted and tried to drag it, but it wouldn't budge. Sephiroth ended up taking it from him with ease, showing that there was a visible dent in the concrete where it had sat.

"Better get in shape, shrimpy. This is your new best friend," the General said, hooking the blade back onto the wall. "Buster swords are beastly, and we need more of them. Too many other officers let their soldiers get away with the smaller, less powerful blades, just so the guys can hide in the back of the formation and stay somewhat safe. Lucky for you, you get the most interesting job. You're on the front lines."

 _The front lines?_ Leon repeated to himself, intrigued.

"Why… why did you decide that? What possible criteria could I fill?" Cloud asked confusedly.

"Like I said, I get to make you do whatever the hell I want you to do. I know what this military needs, and you're going to fulfill that role."

"I can't even lift it, though."

"Well that's why you're here. You need to train."

"But I don't want to be on the front li—"

"I don't really care what you want. You don't get to choose. This is what I'm assigning you to and this is what you're going to do. Do I make myself clear?" Sephiroth said sternly, narrowing his eyes on Cloud and threatening him with his expression. The blonde stared back at him for a moment before he sighed, relenting.

"…Yes sir."

* * *

Leon felt like he was vying for a promotion. A 'six month performance review' sounded way too much like he was employed at the Garden rather than getting an education there, but it was what it was, and he had to participate. So far, the academic portion of his education was a cakewalk and he was excelling with ease, but the rest of it was mediocre at best. His strength wasn't a problem, nor was his speed, but the actual combat situations weren't his strong point. He just didn't care enough to be proficient. Everyone else he saw treated their weapons of choice like an extra limb and acted as such. His Gunblade felt like a curse. At the beginning of his training he had received a blade that was catered to his specifications. It was weighted properly, it was balanced, and the hilt fit his hands perfectly. It was a marvelous weapon for a soldier to have, but he didn't want to be one so it was little more than a toothpick to him.

The performance review was a test to see his progress and he would receive a grade accordingly. The basics weren't all that difficult, and once the test was over, the curriculum would switch and become more advanced until graduation. Leon wasn't looking forward to it. Every time he had to practice, he couldn't help but imagine himself slicing another person in half. He sincerely doubted his ability to perform once he was out in the battlefield. He really didn't see himself doing anything but running in the other direction like a coward. It was a violent kick in the pride to feel like that. His lackluster efforts in his review earned him middle marks and a couple extra training sessions a week. He would have to spend a few extra hours with the other less-than-stellar students after his normal training sessions. He wasn't happy.

"What's the matter?" Rinoa asked as she took a seat next to him on the couch in his dorm. She had caught up with him in the hallway after his evaluation and followed his depressed form back to his room. He hated failure, regardless of what that failure was. His pride was in the toilet and he really just wanted to take a nap and forget the day had happened. Her companionship wasn't welcomed.

"Stress," he mumbled, resting his head on the back of the couch and staring at the ceiling. She touched his shoulder, pulling his attention to her.

"Anything I can do to help?" she asked. He shrugged. "Do you want a hug?"

"I'm okay."

"Okay, but I want one. We haven't really spent much time together lately," she said. He had been too preoccupied with Cloud to notice anyone else the past few days. He obliged her and lifted an arm for her. She smiled a bit and scooted to him and rested herself against his side. He dropped his arm around her.

"Sorry," he clipped.

"It's okay. Were you studying?"

"Yeah," he lied.

"Well, that's okay then," she said, snaking her arms around his waist and giving him a squeeze. "For a little bit, I thought you were mad at me or something."

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know. You just seemed distant."

"Too much to focus on. Sorry."

"It's alright," she insisted. She shuffled closer still so her entire side was pressed against his, settling in and getting comfortable. He rubbed her back and rested his cheek against the top of her head with a tiny sigh. She looked up at him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Not really. But I don't want you to worry about it; I honestly don't know what either of us can do to help me."

"Did you want another back rub?"

"…That's very tempting," he admitted. She giggled and sat up again, standing from the couch and pulling him up by his wrist towards his bedroom. "You're not going to fall asleep in my bed again, are you?"

"I'll try not to. Will you get angry if I do?"

"No. I was just checking," he said, sliding onto his bed on his stomach. He toed his shoes off and let them drop onto the floor. Rinoa giggled again and crawled in after him and straddled his hips, using his butt as her seat. She pressed her hands into his back as she had done before.

"This would be easier if your shirt was off," she said.

"No thanks, it's okay just like this," he said, sounding defensive. His immediate thought was to keep his scars covered. He regretted his tone though.

"…Okay," she said suspiciously. She continued working away on him, her brain brimming with thoughts and concerns. After fifteen minutes of silence she couldn't keep them bottled up anymore. She sighed. "I'm worried about you."

"You don't need to be," he said sluggishly, half asleep. She stopped rubbing, much to his dismay and shuffled off him. She lay down next to him and pet his hair. He peeked over the mound of his pillow at her.

"Please tell me what's wrong. You're hiding things from me."

"How do you figure?"

"Well I think it's weird you almost sounded scared when I wanted you to take your shirt off and with how quiet you are and how tense you are… did something happen?"

 _You mean aside from watching a bunch of people die by my Charge's hand? Or how about the fact that I completely fail at being a soldier and am probably going to get myself killed?_ He thought sarcastically. "No… I just didn't do very well on my evaluation and I'm sort of kicking myself. It's okay. Really."

"You're sure that's all?"

"Yeah," he lied, picking his head up enough to give her a forced smile. She gave him a weak one in return and scooted closer. She gave him a quick peck on the lips. He gave her one back.

"I would say that I believe you, but I don't."

"I don't know what to tell you then," he said flatly and laid his face in his pillow again, blocking her out grumpily. Her prying was quickly getting annoying.

"How about the truth?" she asked.

"I did," he lied, his voice muffled by the pillow. She sighed angrily and pushed on his shoulder to try and roll him over to look at her. When he didn't budge, she reached over him and pulled on the opposite shoulder. He caved a bit and turned his back to her but didn't let her pull him all the way back. She let out a frustrated huff and climbed onto his side, sitting on his hip. He looked to her, scowling.

"Why don't you trust me?" she asked pleadingly.

"I do trust you. I don't understand why you can't take my answers and live with them instead of insisting there's more. What else could there be?" he asked impatiently. She frowned.

"I don't know! That's why I'm asking!" she squeaked.

"Well there isn't! Drop it," he said. They held tense eye contact for thirty seconds before the pressure became too much and Rinoa started to break apart. Her chin started quivering and her eyes watered. Leon wasn't convinced and rolled his eyes. "I'm not falling for that bullshit again. You can quit while you're ahead."

"You're just like him," Rinoa sniffled. She pushed herself out of the bed completely just as the tears started to fall. The Carrier furrowed his brows and sat up.

"Just like who?"

"Just like Seifer," she said, hiccupping a bit. She made her way out of his bedroom and went for her shoes she had left by the door. Puzzled, Leon went after her and grabbed her arm. She yanked away from him and stooped to start pulling on her shoes.

"Wait a minute, explain," he said, trying to get her to stand again by tugging her shoulder. She shoved him away.

"Stop it! Stop trying to trick me," she accused, standing and glaring at him through puffy eyes.

"What?" Leon asked, genuinely confused.

"You're just like him! You're nice to me, get me to like you and trust you, and then when I try to get closer and know you better you push me away. You dodge my questions, you don't give satisfying answers to the ones you do acknowledge, and you constantly look like you're about to either punch me or yell at me! Why did you even bother talking to me if all you're going to do is lead me on? Is this some sort of fucked up game you two have going between you? Well I'm not falling for it again!" she yelled. He was stunned and stared at her stupidly.

"Wh—no! I told you before that there are just some things I don't want to share and if you couldn't deal with it then you should just leave me alone. I meant it, Rinoa. I'm not some book for everyone to read and picking at me about what you think is wrong isn't going to help you any. I'm not pushing you away, and I'm not leading you on. I like you. Really. But if you can't respect my privacy then there isn't anything I can do to help you. You're hurting yourself by trying to fix everything you think needs to be fixed. Please understand that."

"But you're always so miserable, what else am I supposed to think? If you like me, then shouldn't I be able to make you smile? Or… just… get you to _not_ look like you want to kill yourself?"

"…I don't want to kill myself," he said flatly, scowling.

"Well you aren't exactly helping anyone believe otherwise by moping around all the time."

"Others think that way, too?"

"That's where I got the idea from, yeah. I hear people talking about you all the time. 'I wonder when we'll hear about him hanging himself.' 'Do you think he'll overdose or shoot himself?' 'Do you think he'll have the balls to go through with it?' That's the shit I hear, and that's just from yesterday!"

_Why the fuck are humans so damn complicated? Why are they doing this to me?_

"I'm worried. Help me understand," she said pleadingly.

"I… don't know what to say. I don't want to kill myself," he repeated.

"Okay, then what's the matter?"

"Stress. I have a lot of it and it's been with me for a long time. Believe me when I say that's all there is."

"Why are you so stressed? School?"

"It's not helping, but there's more to it than that. But that's where I draw the line. I don't want to get into the 'whys' and 'hows,' just accept me for what I am or leave me alone. I really can't take much more pressure or disappointment," he said blandly. She didn't say anything for a few minutes so he left her where she was and made his way back into his bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his hands through his hair a few times before resting his forehead on a palm and his elbow on his knee.

He expected her to leave, to leave him alone like he had asked and because she couldn't move past not knowing everything about him. He remembered Reno asking him if he was ashamed of what he was so many years ago. At the time, he said he wasn't, but he couldn't say he felt the same way now. Being a Carrier, being so different yet so similar to humans, but being unable to completely be one was becoming one of the most painful hurdles he had to overcome. Everyone expected him to act the way everyone else did, or at least in some predictable human fashion. He couldn't. He was too different. He had to hide, to deceive, to be anything else but himself and he resented what he was because of it. If he couldn't get meaningless people to understand him in some positive fashion, then what would he do when he and Cloud had to interact? Would he be pushed away then too?

A couple of frustrated tears slipped out of his eyes, not because he was breaking apart, but because his body was forcing him to let go of _something_. The tension in his shoulders was painful; he didn't know to do to relieve it. He wiped his face dry, his hands starting to shake. Rinoa's feet appeared in his line of sight on the floor. She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him forward for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her hips and rested his face against her stomach, sucking up as much comfort as he could from her. She rubbed his back.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Its fine," he replied with a tiny shrug. She moved forward, straddling his thighs and helping herself to his lap. She hugged him around his neck briefly and pulled back to plant a kiss on his lips. She gave him a weak smile and pet his hair again.

"I wish you'd tell me—"

"Don't start again, please," Leon clipped angrily, rolling his eyes and looking away from her.

"No, wait. I was going to say that I wish you'd tell me what is burdening you, but I can accept that you won't. Or can't. I have a feeling it's more like a 'can't.' But… you'll tell me everything else, right?" she asked. He glanced at her.

"Like what?"

"I don't know, just stuff about you, I guess. I still don't feel like I know you very well," she said.

"What did you want to know?"

"I can't think of much at the moment. I'm sort of fried. But maybe we can go out again so I can see you relax a bit and then we can talk?" she asked. He nodded.

"Okay," he agreed. She smiled and gave him another kiss. Then another. And then another. She attempted to take things deeper but he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Uh, well… about that getting to know me thing…I'm not entirely like everyone else."

"…That's sort of an understatement," she said.

" _Thanks_ ," he grumbled. "But that's not what I meant. I uh…well…"

"…Are a virgin?"

" _Also_ not what I meant."

"But it's true, yeah?"

"Yes, but there's more to it than that," he said. Instead of trying to explain further and giving her more excuses to kick him in the balls, he cupped her face and kissed her again, giving her the go-ahead to get tongues involved. As soon as she felt his, she pulled away with a surprised face and a tiny squeak.

"…Oh."

"Yeah."

"Was your mother a cat?"

"Not that I'm aware of," he said.

"Okay… well… it's not like some sort of contagious tongue disease or anything, right? It could be some really bad thrush," she asked sheepishly.

"Uh… no. It's just me," he said with an amused snort.

"Okay… well, I can get over it. I don't even notice your teeth anymore."

"I wasn't even aware you _did_ notice them."

"…Everyone has."

" _Great_ ," Leon sighed. _That self consciousness isn't warranted at all, nope,_ he told himself sarcastically.

"It's okay though. I don't mind," Rinoa assured.

"Good, because there isn't much I can do about it," Leon said grumpily.

* * *

Cloud was slowly morphing into a brainless zombie. Before, he was just a forgetful, but still relatively animated zombie. But after a week of Mako shots every two or three hours, he was pretty well destroyed. He spent his days doing what he was told and trying to bend to his superior officer's will. His nights were quiet. Once in his room, he tended to stare at Aerith's picture blankly until he fell asleep. He'd be up for hours before he would eventually drift off, but it was the same routine pretty much every night regardless.

Leon wondered if Cloud's body was adjusting more. He vomited less now that the Mako was pretty much a constant, but the shots themselves weren't an automatic eject button for whatever was in his stomach, either. Usually he would only get sick if he sat still too long and let the energy build up to unbearable levels. He always had to be moving and doing something. He wasn't having sex with anyone so he filled his activity void with training and obnoxious amounts of exercise. Leon didn't see any of it as a positive thing, either. The exercise wasn't the worst of it but the blonde would do it right after he strained himself training and the subsequent muscle damage was of great concern. Cloud was able to lift his enormous sword with ease after only three weeks; hardly a natural amount of time to gain that much strength.

One evening, a few of Cloud's squad members pulled him along to a section of the base Leon had never seen before. It was a building situated between the Midgar and Balamb sections that looked like any other concrete cube they had seen before. The inside was dark, with booming bass-filled music and neon lights. There was a well lit oblong stage on the far wall of the room with a pole at the end that extended to the ceiling. There was a bar to the right, a series of doors on the left, and a lounge area taking up the rest of the space in between. Leon had never seen a strip club before and he was extremely perplexed.

 _Oh well that's charming…_ he noted as a woman started dancing and disrobing around the pole for a group of soldiers gathered around the stage. There were other girls in skimpy clothes wandering around and mingling with the rest of the men. The Carrier didn't have to be there to know that the place smelled of cheap alcohol, Mako smoke, and sex. He didn't like it. Cloud didn't seem to have much of an opinion as he was led around by his companions and watched everything pass with blank eyes. The only time of the day he could sit still for very long without getting sick was at night when he needed to sleep. He was supposed to be in bed now, but instead he was there to watch strippers, which didn't help Leon's opinion of the place in the least.

Around an hour into their visit, Cloud's companions started to leave. Each one of them left pulling a girl behind them but the blonde was left behind, half asleep on an armchair by himself. He stared at the ceiling, blinking slowly and not registering anything that was going on around him. A redheaded girl came over to him and gently shook his shoulder. Leon thought she looked familiar, but he couldn't recall her from where or how long ago.

"C-Cloud?" Jessie asked shakily. As soon as he heard the voice, the Carrier remembered. His recollection was immediately replaced with pity though. The years hadn't been good to the girl. She looked a lot older than she was, with bags under her eyes, her hair was unhealthy, she was painfully skinny, and everything sagged. It was obvious to Leon that she had had several natural pregnancies, possibly even one with multiples, as the skin on her stomach was just a little too loose and stretch mark laden. Yet she was dressed as skimpily as the other girls had been. Go figure.

"Hmm?" the blonde hummed deftly. He blinked at her a few times and was quiet for several minutes before the dilapidated gears in his head started working again and he was able to recognize her. He sat up quickly. "Jessie?"

"Long time no see," she said with a faltering smile. Cloud looked her over.

"Uh… yeah. What happened?"

_Nice, Cloud. Make her feel more like garbage why don't you?_

"I'll tell you in a minute but… can… can I stay in your room tonight?" she asked nervously. Leon furrowed his brows, as did Cloud.

"…And do what?"

"Sleep? Maybe use your shower?"

"I…guess?" he said hesitantly. She let out a happy sigh and hugged him abruptly. He grimaced briefly but had a neutral face when she stepped back again.

"Let me get my bag real quick and we can go," she said hurriedly before scampering away. Cloud was confused just as much as Leon was. Jessie kept to her word, though, and came back in hardly a minute. They left together and headed to Cloud's room, the girl's heels clicking away loudly as she had to almost jog to keep up with him. As they walked, the blonde would garner strange looks from the others in the hall, even a few giggles. The girl following after him wasn't the prettiest one he could've found, and the bright lighting in the halls really wasn't doing her any favors. She looked… very well used. It was sad.

Jessie helped herself to Cloud's bathroom when they finally made it to his room. Cloud wasn't looking so good and tiredly kicked off his shoes and started getting dressed for bed. The bruising on his arms from the constant Mako injections tugged at Leon's heartstrings. The blonde had turned seventeen already, though he doubted Cloud even realized it. In the Carrier's mind, they were supposed to be talking already, making plans to leave and how to take him away from the abuse and manipulation. The fact that they weren't hurt the most. Leon was ready to leave.

"Thanks for letting me stay," Jessie said when she emerged from the bathroom, looking cleaner, but not quite fresh. Cloud stared ahead of himself emptily but nodded a bit.

"I forgot I was supposed to be looking for you," he said flatly.

"You were?"

"For Aerith."

"Oh… I didn't think we'd ever see each other again. You look so much older, I almost didn't recognize you. It's sort of surreal. How is Aerith?"

"From what I hear, she's okay."

"Good," Jessie said. An awkward silence passed and she sat at the end of his bed. She had changed into an oversized t-shirt that hung nearly to her knees. It helped camouflage some of the damage to her body, but her rail thin legs were a giveaway. "So um… how are you?"

"Miserable," Cloud deadpanned, staring at his wall. Jessie frowned.

"I don't like it here either."

"I'm surprised you weren't shipped off to the capitol."

"I was over there for a couple years but Biggs requested I come back here and they came and found me again. He uh… he's been promoted a few times and isn't here anymore; he moved to another base, but they didn't make me leave. I've been back here for about three years. I don't know if I should be happy about it or not. At least in the city I had my own bed."

"You don't have a room?"

"No, I'm supposed to sleep with someone every night."

"So… you wanted my bed and my shower, not to visit with me?" Cloud asked. Jessie sighed.

"I haven't had anyone request me for a few days and the chairs in the club are starting to hurt my back. And if I was going to sleep in here, I'm pretty sure you would've liked to have me smell a little better, yeah? Sorry. I really am happy to see you again. I just… had to take care of myself first for a minute," she said. Cloud nodded and took one of his pillows and dropped it off the side of his bed. It wasn't nearly big enough for two people and at first, Leon thought he was going to make Jessie sleep on the floor but then he shuffled out of the bed and lay on the floor on his stomach, hugging the pillow to his face. The Carrier smiled.

"What about Wedge?" the blonde asked.

"…He's dead."

"Oh. Oops."

"…Yeah," Jessie said. Her eyes started watering but Cloud couldn't see. She quickly wiped them dry. The stifling silence that followed made Leon fidget. The blonde took it as a sign that the talking was done and got up enough to flick the light off. The darkness made the waning glow of his eyes stand out more. He settled back in his place on the floor. Jessie seemed confused. "You don't want to sleep up here?" she asked.

"You can."

"…But the floor can't be very comfortable."

"I've slept on worse things."

"Aren't you cold?"

"No."

"And… you don't want anything from me?" she asked hesitantly, scooting to the top of the bed and shuffling under the covers. Cloud glanced at her.

"Like what?"

"Like… sex?"

"You're not Aerith."

"…Oh. _Oh._ That's cute. I didn't think you two would end up together like that."

"How do you figure?"

"Well I always saw your relationship as more of a brother/sister sort of thing," Jessie said, taking the remaining pillow and getting comfortable.

"I guess I'm fucking my sister, then," Cloud grumbled.

"You sound way too comfortable with that."

"It's crossed my mind before. I'm not stupid. But we're not related; we just grew up together."

"True."

"The same could be said for you, Biggs, and Wedge."

"…Err, yeah. Forgot about that," Jessie said with a nervous giggle. She picked at Cloud's blanket idly for a few minutes. "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"For imposing on you. I really appreciate it."

"It's fine."

"There might be more to it than that, though. I'm not the most appealing girl around and I heard some of the others laughing at you for taking me with you. I'm sorry in advance for any grief they'll probably give you."

"Whatever. Is that why you haven't had any requests? Because you're unappealing?"

 _That brain-to-mouth filter really needs to get fixed on you_ , Leon sighed. He couldn't decide if it was just Cloud being Cloud or if it was the residual Mako in his system making him come off a little brash.

"Y-yeah. I've had a few kids here and… it's not like in the capitol where they heal you and everything goes back to where it was before so… I'm not exactly in top form. Ever since my third pregnancy here it's been hard to get anyone to pay attention."

"And if you don't get a request, you sleep in a chair and don't get to shower?"

"…Yeah," Jessie said. Cloud let out a grumbling sigh.

"Fucking hate this place."

"Me too. I'm glad I found you though. It's good to see you again."

"Mhm," Cloud hummed, falling asleep. "Aerith will be happy to know you're alright."

"Are you two writing letters or something?"

 _Hah! Writing_.

"…No. I never learned how."

"Nana never taught you two?"

"She only taught Aerith; so that she could keep up with the house and the finances."

"Does Nana need help or something?"

"Nana got really sick and passed away, Jessie."

"No…"

"Yeah. Which is why Aerith isn't here or in the capitol. She inherited the house and Nana's job."

"Oh…" the girl trailed sadly. Cloud was drifting off and the conversation died quickly, leaving Jessie to grieve by herself until she fell asleep as well.

****


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

When two people love each other—well, more like when two people have a mild interest in one another— it's possible for one of them to lose track of where the relationship was headed and be left in the dust, scratching his head, confused. Hugging leads to kissing, which leads to touching, which leads to heavy petting, and before they know it, the clothing goes missing and somewhere along the line an orgasm or two happens. Most of the clothing, anyway. After all, a certain amount of modesty and self consciousness was the cornerstone of Leon's personality anymore and that wasn't going to go away simply because his pants were suddenly way too tight in all the wrong places. The pants were optional. His shirt stayed firmly planted in place.

Having sex with a woman was just what he thought it would be like. Wet and squishy. He wasn't impressed. Sure, it got the job done and there was relief in the end, but it wasn't some mind blowing experience that he suddenly needed to have happen as much as humanly possible. Clearly, Reno had been exaggerating. The first time was abysmal and embarrassing beyond all belief, the second time was better, and by the third time, well, he felt like he had never been a virgin in the first place and it was just sort of routine. Rinoa seemed to it enjoy way more than necessary and carried on like a dying cat for the duration, which didn't help make the experience any more appealing.

So it eventually got to the point where Leon would stuff his dick in her mouth just to get her to _shut up_. Oral sex was far more enjoyable for him but afterward he would have to reciprocate with actual intercourse so the noise 'solution' was extremely temporary. He also wasn't entirely keen on mashing his face in her vagina so oral reciprocation wasn't much of an option. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. It wasn't because Rinoa had poor hygiene or was herpes laden, but her normal lady smell was enough from a distance, and he really didn't want to get _that_ up close and personal with it. Conversely, she didn't like the way he smelled afterward and would always politely nudge him away and tell him to go shower while she opened the window to try and air the room out.

He felt guilty. He didn't think he was going about the whole relationship thing the right way. Yeah, he liked Rinoa enough. They spent time together, they had sex, they talked, they cuddled, all the stuff he thought he should be doing, but it didn't feel right. None of it did. They weren't rushing, and they talked almost every step through to make sure it was all okay with the other person, but even after all that confirmation, it still felt _wrong_. He didn't like it. When he was by himself, he thought a lot about everything but he eventually ran out of answers for himself. There was only one explanation in his mind.

_I don't love her._

It was a simple conclusion. Comparing their relationship to Cloud and Aerith's was a real eye-opener. Lust and passion were two different things. Lust was just a place holder. It was there to fill its purpose of 'I really really need this now, I can't wait anymore' and then leave again. Once Lust said its goodbyes, Passion was supposed to stay behind and fill the middle time. Once enough passion built up, it was supposed to kick Lust out so it could be replaced by Love. That's when 'sex' turns to 'lovemaking' and a more permanent bond was supposed to form. Or at least that's what Leon concluded. Perhaps he was over thinking things but the idea was still the same. Cloud and Aerith had passion. He and Rinoa did not. Cloud was willing to wait for Aerith. Leon couldn't give a damn if he and Rinoa never had sex again.

He never voiced his concerns to her. He never told her how he felt or how unexcited he was for just about everything they did together. She eventually got used to the mask he wore. The sort of aloof contentment he kept around her so he wouldn't make her feel bad or unwanted. He liked her, she was nice to spend time on most occasions, but he was _bored_ of her very quickly. It was hardly two months before he really understood how unfulfilling the whole situation was. His priorities never changed or included her. He kept her relatively happy and never took a step to make anything more serious or permanent. He couldn't even if he wanted to.

"What're you thinking about?" Rinoa asked one sunny afternoon as they lounged together on the grassy field behind the Garden training grounds. Leon was on his back, staring at the sky while she used his chest as a pillow.

"How much my retinas are burning because the sun is bright," he said blandly. She laughed.

"Well there is a very simple solution to that problem."

"Yes. There is. Too bad I'm too lazy to acknowledge it."

"When you go blind don't come to me for help."

"I won't be able to find you by that point, anyway. I'll probably fall off a balcony somewhere. No worries," he said. She laughed again.

"In that case, I'll keep you on a leash so you don't get lost."

"Wonderful. Just what I need: awkward whispers in the women's restroom."

"I'd tie you up outside to a bench or something."

"Even better. I'd be a blind pet hobo, left behind to starve while my mistress is busy changing her tampon."

"You're awful!" she piped, laughing again and rolling onto her side.

"You think I'm kidding? You obviously don't realize how much longer you take in the bathroom for that _special_ week."

"Is it that noticeable?"

"I take naps. _Naps_ , Rinoa."

"Oh my. It's a wonder you're so tired all the time," she said amusedly, sitting up and giving him a curt smile.

"I know, right?"

"How did your training go today?"

"Better. I think I've improved enough to where I can forgo the extra sessions they've assigned me. It doesn't help me feel less tired, though."

"I wouldn't think so. Not until you get back on a regular schedule anyway."

"Right."

And so it went. The routine was the same day in and day out. Leon would wake up, go to class, train, hang around with Rinoa for a bit, watch Cloud be boring, and then sleep. Both males weren't doing much of anything new or different and their progress in their respective fields was improving steadily. Cloud was more in tune with his aggressive side and was completely comfortable with cleaving whatever was put in front of him in half. Leon still had his reservations about the whole ordeal but forced himself to do better so he could earn back his extra free time.

* * *

It was bearing down on the one-year mark for Leon. A year at the Garden, learning to be the soldier he didn't want to be. It was becoming second nature to swing his cumbersome Gunblade around and pretend he knew what he was doing, which made his instructors happy. So far, he had only been practicing with other beginner Gunbladers in a comfortable environment amongst themselves. He had no combat experience against any other type of weapon or force and once the first year was over, he would be made to branch out and learn how to deal with just about everything else. His greatest apprehension was towards the magic users. They were the most unpredictable bunch.

But before that point, it came time for Cloud to be sent out into the field. With Mako fueling just about everything he did, he was more proficient in his swordsmanship much earlier than the Carrier was. Leon doubted the blonde would be half as skilled if he wasn't blasted out of his mind every waking moment, but he pushed it aside and tried to focus on seeing his Charge happy again. Cloud had taken little interest in Jessie after their initial meeting and only paid attention to her when she approached him first. She was the only kind face he had to lean on, but he hardly noticed. She didn't take it personally, though; ninety percent of the soldiers there were just like Cloud and walked the halls with blank faces and sleepy minds. But as his assignment in Nibelheim grew closer, he was bound to become more animated.

Barret visited Cloud on and off to check in on him. The visits were brief and mostly silent as the blonde would stare ahead of himself and respond only when spoken to. If the man mentioned Aerith, Cloud would listen more closely, but the silence didn't waver. Leon really wished it was different. He wanted to know what his Charge was thinking, if anything. He probably was, there was no way he couldn't be, and the Carrier was sincerely thinking about fixing a tiny drill to the end of his camera so he could burrow into Cloud's skull and get _something_ out of him.

Eventually, the day came. Cloud was packed into a van with the rest of his squad, his sword strapped to his back, and shipped off to an airport. Sephiroth was in charge of the operation and took the passenger seat up front to review the itinerary and all the plans the government had given him. Leon had his suspicions, but as far as he could tell, the mission was to help the Shinra Corporation set up the ground work for a new Mako reactor. The people of Nibelheim were not happy about their lush little town becoming a virtual wasteland and there had been a few riots since the original plan had been announced more than a year prior. The government expected there to be some conflict, so Cloud and his squad were the lucky ones who got to wander around and make sure the public didn't get too out of hand.

That was all well and good, but there was a problem. The military was confident in its hold over its soldiers once they were ready to be deployed, and the Mako injections that happened every two hours while training were no longer being administered. The schedule went back to the original one Cloud had grown used to, which was once at a day at breakfast. Each soldier carried around a couple extra syringes with their supplies just to keep withdrawal at bay, but other than that, they were on their own physically speaking. Leon would've been happy to have Cloud's injections slow were it not for the problems it created. The blonde was getting sick again and his temper was worse than ever. His headaches were back and he was obviously in a lot of pain. The Carrier could only hope that the citizens in Nibelheim didn't push his buttons too much.

Cloud was jittery for the entire trip to his hometown. He was a little more awake than normal, but only just. At the very least he seemed aware of what was going on. Whether or not he would even remember seeing Aerith again had yet to be seen, but Leon hoped he would. Even if it made making Cloud follow him more difficult, he wanted his Charge to be happy again. The past year was wearing on them both.

"I need to meet with the mayor and tell him what the plan is," Sephiroth told the soldiers when the van rolled to a stop outside the inn in Nibelheim. "This is where we're all staying. Be here by 0700 tomorrow morning. I don't give a damn if you sleep here or not. I honestly wouldn't piss in this little shithole town, so I won't blame you for taking roost somewhere more comfortable," he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and looking around at the homey buildings and massive amounts of plants. "Fucking backwards po-dunk piece of garbage," he muttered to himself, stepping out of the vehicle and heading towards the town center.

Leon had missed Nibelheim. It was a reminder of the good Midgar still had, but it made the thought of losing it to the Mako reactor that much more painful. Cloud obviously didn't give a damn about the town itself and took off like a rocket as soon as Sephiroth had left. He leapt out of the van and bolted down the main road until he reached the little side path that lead between the houses. It took him a good ten minutes of straight running to finally make it back to his childhood home. He stopped dead in his tracks as soon as he saw it though, and seemed unsure. Leon could see the doubt in his eyes, the guilt, and the uneasiness. The blonde stood around for a bit before he finally took a deep breath and went to knock on the door.

"Hel… lo?" Aerith answered, stopping mid-word in complete shock when she noticed who it was. She hadn't changed any during the past year. She had had a flower pot tucked under her arm and she dropped it, having it shatter at her feet into a million pieces. Cloud fidgeted.

"H-hi…" he said quietly, staring out the corners of his eyes at the ground. Aerith threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and immediately bursting into tears. Cloud hesitated, his arms up and ready to hug her back, but it took him a moment of uneasy contemplation to finally make himself go through with it. He squeezed her tight, closing his eyes and burying his face in her hair.

"Barret said you were coming back but… I couldn't let myself believe him…" she said between heavy sobs. "I'm so happy I was wrong." She pulled away to see his face, inspecting his eyes closely, but she didn't bring them up. Cloud looked extremely worried.

"Aerith…I…"

"I know. Barret told me everything."

"He… he did? How much is 'everything?'"

"Everything since you left," she said. Cloud's expression fell and he pulled away from her, nearly in tears.

"Then you understand why I can't stay here," he said. Aerith's mouth dropped open and she stared at him, dumbfounded. Leon was shocked as well; he had expected them to be naked by that point. "I can't…" the blonde attempted but had to stop and take a breath to keep himself together. "I can't… taint you. I've done so much and… none of it was good. I'm… I'm a monster."

"What are you talking about?" Aerith asked.

"Barret told you about the stuff I did, right? All the people I've… killed for no reason? People who were on our side?"

"He did. But I know what the military does to its soldiers, Cloud. Don't think for a second that I blame you for any of it. You're not that kind of person. Had you not been taken away from here, you never would've done any of it," Aerith said, stepping to him and giving him understanding eyes.

"It doesn't change what happened."

"I know it doesn't. But it doesn't mean I love you any less."

"…I love you too."

"I know you do," she said. She pressed herself against him, leaning against his chest. She couldn't hug him around his midsection without possibly hurting herself on his sword; it didn't have a sheath. He hugged her again though, letting out a long sigh that took the tension in his shoulders with it. Leon doubted Cloud felt any less guilty about his sins but it was a comfort for both of them to know Aerith didn't hate him for them. She stepped back and looked up at him, smiling. He gave her a small but genuine one in return, the most he had done since he had left.

"So… what's new?" Cloud asked awkwardly.

"I don't mean to be impatient—we can talk later—but I'm waiting for you to kiss me," Aerith said flatly.

 _Oh boy, here we go_ , Leon sighed. He was trying to be happy for them but was failing miserably.

"Oh," the blonde blurted. He laughed a bit and gave her a quick peck but didn't pull away completely afterward. Aerith let out a frustrated huff and he grinned. He gave her another one and she frowned. He laughed at her.

"Stop teasing me," she muttered.

"But it's fun," he said, kissing her again. Properly this time. The papery thin wall keeping them apart was suddenly obliterated and floating away in the wind. Their resolve and restraint went with it as they couldn't keep their hands off one another. Aerith was trying her hardest to pull Cloud towards the house without breaking contact with him. The blonde eventually got the hint and followed after her excitedly, both of them fumbling inside clumsily and ending up mostly on the kitchen table.

"Whoa! Okay!" came a surprised voice from the living room. Aerith and Cloud froze for a second before they both turned bright red and looked towards the source. There was a teenage girl, probably not much older than thirteen, standing with her arms folded over her chest with a curious face. She was petite with short cropped black hair and large brown eyes. "I assume that's him?" she asked.

"Hmm?" Cloud hummed confusedly, looking between the girl and Aerith. Marlene and Denzel were both in the living room as well, peeking out from behind the teenager's legs. They hadn't changed much either.

"Y-yeah," Aerith said, clearing her throat. "Um, Cloud, this is Cypress. She comes in a few days a week to help me watch Denzel and Marlene. Cypress, this is Cloud."

"Just making sure," Cypress said. She reached behind herself and put a hand on each child's back. She nudged them both towards the front door. "Let's go outside, kids."

"Thanks," Aerith mumbled as they left. The door clicked shut behind them quietly. "Sorry."

"Talking about me while I'm not here to defend myself, were you?" Cloud asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Constantly."

"I would've been worried had you not been."

"Yes well… that's not important," she said. She took his wrist and pulled him further into the house. She rounded the corner and into the first floor bedroom.

"Nana's room?" Cloud asked. Aerith shrugged.

"It's mine now. I got a different bed and everything," she said. The blonde closed the door behind them and Leon didn't feel the need to follow them. It was fairly obvious what they were going to be doing and seeing Cloud smile again was enough for him. There was a heavy ' _thud_ ' of Cloud's sword hitting the floor followed but the metallic clinking of what the Carrier assumed was his belts which was followed by a lot of giggling and then some heated panting. Pretty self explanatory.

Leon was happy that Cloud was happy, he was sure of it. But underneath the happiness there was an underlying string of anger that he couldn't quite explain. He didn't understand where it was coming from. He supposed it was a bit of petty jealousy that he and Rinoa weren't doing as well, but even then, he couldn't say that was all there was to it. Perhaps he was a little upset that he couldn't feel the same sort of love Cloud had for Aerith. It looked like something that was nice to have.

Once everything quieted down on the other side of the door, Leon scooted inside to see what was what. His chest tightened and his gut twisted into knots for reasons he couldn't understand. Cloud was hugging Aerith to himself as if his life depended on it. She was wrapped around him just as tight, both of them so happy and at peace with one another. Leon didn't like it. But again, he didn't understand why. Because he didn't understand, it made him feel guilty, like he didn't want Cloud to be happy even though he knew that wasn't true. Far from it.

 _What is my problem?_ He asked himself. He ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh. It was one of many occasions over the last six months where he wished Reno was talking to him. He needed someone else's insight. But, ever vigilant, he noticed a tiny detail that made his vision turn red, the guilt disappear, and the desire to rip his Charge's throat out an immediate priority. There was no condom, or evidence of one having been present.

"God _fucking_ damn it Cloud!" he yelled at his computer, holding his face in his hands. "Why are you so fucking stupid?" he whined. If Aerith wound up pregnant after everything he put himself through, he'd toss in the towel and hang himself. He'd be done. He wouldn't be able to deal with it. He slammed his computer shut and threw himself into his bed like a child. He buried his face under his pillows to block everything out. It wasn't long before Cloud and Aerith were at it again though, and the audio filtered through his room, stabbing him in the back of the head.

* * *

Cloud was only staying in Nibelheim for a couple weeks before his squad was to be rotated out and replaced with another one. He spent his days in town patrolling around and making sure the people behaved themselves. He was talking and catching up with the people he left behind, mostly. The Mako reactor was a hot topic of discussion, as expected. He hated it just as much as everyone else did and he told them so, making them feel a bit better that it wasn't the military's idea in the first place. The blame was put on the Shinra Corporation, where it should've been.

The blonde spent his nights with Aerith, wrapped in a naked cocoon of warmth and happiness. They talked a lot too. Cloud told her about Jessie, what he could remember from his training, and his health issues. She talked about how she was doing with Denzel and Marlene, which was mostly 'it's difficult, but we're doing okay.' They talked about their futures, about whether or not they would be able to make a life together eventually, and if they would need to move away from Nibelheim once the Mako reactor was set in place. Aerith wanted to move regardless. She couldn't handle not being able to go out and garden and tend her flowers. Cloud didn't disagree. By the time the blonde needed to leave again, they had caught up, and had sex more times than Leon could count.

The last day of Cloud's rotation was a serious test for his patience. The peace he had been getting from Aerith was being replaced by the anxiety of leaving her again and that made his Mako fueled temper even shorter than it had been in the past. His entire day was spent trying to stop himself from smacking random people around like a lunatic, which made the stress level rise, his headaches worse, and he was sicker than he had been in a long while. He expelled whatever was in him until nothing was left and he was dry heaving in an alley by himself.

Needless to say, by the time he was able to lay with Aerith and relax again, he was exhausted and ornery. Aerith wasn't helping matters and was clinging to him while sobbing and whining to him about she would miss him. It was really just a rehashing from when the blonde left the first time, but with more tears and clinging. Cloud wasn't of the mind to deal with it, either, and squeezed his eyes shut on several occasions to try and help block out some of the stimulation and calm his headache. It didn't help.

"Aerith… please. I need quiet," he strained, sitting up on the edge of the bed and rubbing his forehead.

"Well _sorry_ for being upset," the girl clipped, sniffling loudly and continuing to weep. Cloud held his forehead in his hands, wincing. He shook his head, his face twitching a bit. His pupils were trying to squeeze themselves into slits again, his muscles were having tiny spasms, and he grit his teeth in an effort to keep himself at bay. Leon had a bad feeling about it all. Aerith didn't notice though and continued on with her crying. After another three minutes, Cloud finally snapped. He whipped around and backhanded Aerith across the face. She screamed.

" _Be quiet!_ " he roared at her, eyes full of fury. She stared at him, eyes wide with her hand on her bruising cheek. She really started to break apart after that.

"Why did you hit me?" she squeaked at him, torrents of tears dripping off her chin.

"Aerith?" came Cypress' voice from the other side of the door. She tried the knob, but it was locked so she knocked. "Aerith, what happened? I heard a scream."

"Leave!" Cloud barked at the door. Aerith continued sobbing. Cypress didn't relent and banged on the door, making Cloud's cheek twitch at the sound.

"Aerith! Open the door!" she yelled.

 _Stop it you idiot! Just shut the fuck up and he'll stop!_ Leon pleaded with them.

"I'm okay!" Aerith called, sniffling. Cloud turned on her and slapped her again.

" _I said be quiet!_ " he yelled. Cypress' banging and trying to force the door open intensified. Cloud was preoccupied with Aerith though. She was attempting to back away from him, her face drenched and frightened. She fumbled off the far edge of the bed and onto the floor.

"What happened to you?!" she wailed at him, backing away until she hit the far wall. She was directly next to the en suite bathroom door and quickly hurried in and slammed it shut in his face. She leaned against the door, sobbing loudly. Cypress' commotion caught Cloud's attention once Aerith was out of sight and he stomped over to the door, taking a brief second to retrieve his sword. Leon's stomach turned to ice.

"What's happening? Aerith!" Cypress screamed. She let out a frustrated growl and kicked the door, which snapped Cloud's patience in half and blew the broken pieces into oblivion. He held the blade up as if he was going to throw a javelin and sent it sailing through the door. It slid through the wood like a hot knife through butter and Cypress' noise immediately ceased behind a startled choke. Leon stared at his computer, mouth open, stunned. Cloud shoved the entire blade through until the hilt clinked against the door before pulling it back again. Blood dripped off the tip, the broad side of it stained red. He went back to the bed and set his sword aside and lay with his face in the pillows as if none of it had happened.

Aerith timidly peeked out from the bathroom once she realized all was quiet again. She stared at Cloud, making sure he wasn't moving, possibly even asleep, before she sneaked out into the bedroom and headed towards the door. Either she was oblivious, or too scared to notice, but she completely missed the oblong gash in the door and Cloud's red sword lying around. She pulled the bedroom door open and stopped dead in her tracks as Cypress' body flopped into the doorway. She had been speared through the neck and chest, her entire front an unrecognizable mass of carnage and red. Leon felt sick to his stomach.

But then Aerith screamed. It was ear splitting and shrill, something out of a horror movie, and even hurt Leon's ears. She broke apart again, incomprehensible pleading sobs escaping her as her knees gave out and she crumpled to the floor. Cloud was awake again in an instant and fisted his hair, letting out a pained growling yell in retaliation. The look of absolute _rage_ in his face was the scariest thing Leon had seen in his life; it was almost inhuman. Every vein in the blonde's forehead was standing out and his eyes were so wide, they were almost rolling out of his head. Aerith didn't connect the noise to Cloud's problems and carried on in her horrified stupor.

Hardly three seconds passed before Cloud lost it. He was on his feet again quickly, sword in hand, and heading for Aerith. She let out a frightened squeal and scrambled to her feet again, backing away from him. She couldn't keep herself from bawling the entire time, which didn't help her case any. Her eyes grew impossibly wide as the blonde gripped the blade with two hands and swung around once, cleaving her in the side. Leon screamed that time; a quick, disbelieving sort of yell. The silence that followed was deafening.

The Buster Sword had gotten stuck in the girl, just a few inches past her spine. Her forearm was on the floor, completely severed from the rest of her arm. She was staring up at Cloud with ghostly shock, blood pouring out of the fresh opening. She coughed once, a sudden spurt of red escaping her lips. A few droplets landed on Cloud's chest. She gradually went limp, her legs collapsing out from under her; the blade being her only support. Cloud lifted a leg and put his foot on her chest, kicking her off his sword and letting her fall to the floor. He was having a hard time catching his breath and staggered out of the room afterward, leaving Aerith behind while her innards slipped out of her like slow moving lava.

Leon had to run to his bathroom before he could vomit on his computer. All he could hear was the wet slap of the girl's body landing on the floor as he turned his stomach inside out into the toilet bowl. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't rationalize, he couldn't do anything to help himself feel better or feel any less scared of his Charge. Once he was able to, he squished himself into the nearest corner in his bathroom, pulled his knees to his chest and started shaking.

 _I can't do this. I can't fix this. I can't do anything for him anymore. He's gone. He's done. Game over. If I try to make contact, I'm going to say something stupid and he's going to kill me. I can't do this. I can't, I can't, I can't_ , he repeated over and over to himself, gripping his hair and staring ahead of himself with large eyes.

He could hear yelling filtering through his dorm. There was a lot of crashing around and carrying on that made him a little concerned that Cloud may not have been finished. Despite the fear, despite the disgust and the revulsion, Leon couldn't get himself to completely hate his Charge just yet. Things hadn't sunk in completely, even if he thought the situation was hopeless already. It took every ounce of his courage to pull himself out of the bathroom to go check on Cloud. He had to force himself to maneuver his camera away from the slaughter in the bedroom without gagging again, but he eventually found the blonde in the living room.

Cloud had discarded his Buster Sword in the hallway and had smashed as much furniture to pieces as he could with his bare hands. He was out of control and thrashing around like an animal. Leon was seeing shades of the blonde's father from so many years prior and he sincerely hoped he would stop soon. Cloud would try to calm himself, holding his head in his hands and whimpering in pain to himself, but then he would stumble around and bump into something and the rage would bubble up again into another violent fit. There was banging on the front door that Cloud didn't notice.

"Is everything alright in there? The neighbors reported a disturbance!" someone called from the other side of the door. It opened slowly and Cloud's squad leader as well as a couple of other soldiers peeked into the house. A chair came sailing towards them and bashed into the far wall of the kitchen, sending splinters in all directions. They took that as a cue to come inside and survey the situation.

"Fuck, Strife, what are you doing?" one of the soldiers sighed when they saw Cloud rolling around on the floor in agony. Leon could see Marlene and Denzel watching all the commotion from the top of the stairs. They were huddling together in fear, but unable to make themselves look away. Cypress' body was in plain view over the railing and the Carrier's heart broke for them. The pair of soldiers didn't notice the children but went to help Cloud up. The blonde wasn't having any of it and punched one of them in the jaw. The other tackled him and attempted to pin him to the ground but Cloud tried to wriggle away again. The squad leader took a look around the house and found the two bodies. He heaved a heavy sigh and shook his head.

"Get him out of here. We need to worry about damage control," he ordered the two struggling in the living room. Cloud managed to worm his way out of their clutches and made a dash for the kitchen. He was laughing, a high pitched and crazed sound. Leon furrowed his brows, having never heard such a noise come from him before. The blonde didn't give the other three much time to react before he kicked the wood burning stove in the kitchen with all his strength, pulling its stand out of the floor and toppling it over. Hot cinders spilled onto the floorboards, scattering a dangerous spray in all directions. A good portion of them slipped into the debris from the chair he had thrown, immediately igniting the stuffing from the cushion.

The dry cottony fibers were like kindling and the fire spread over the pile quickly. Cloud watched it like a curious child, a twisted smile spread across his face. His distraction gave his squad members enough time to grab him and pull him away from the fascinating flames. He immediately started to resist again, forcing them to pay more attention to him than the fire as it started to spread. The house, the furnishings, and the decorations were all relatively old, and as a result, only helped the problem get worse. The dry floorboards, the old fabric of the curtains and rugs, and the wooden chairs and tables were easily eaten up. The soldiers wrestled Cloud out of the house and pinned him to the dirt outside. Leon followed after them, thankful his Charge was at least safe, if a little insane. But as he settled down again and watched Cloud being carried away, he remembered one important detail.

Marlene and Denzel were still in the house.

Leon didn't follow after Cloud. He was frozen in place, staring at the house as the flames picked up and formed a barricade in front of the door and windows in the kitchen. After ten minutes, smoke was billowing out of the upstairs windows. After another ten minutes, the fire had broken through the second story floor and was flowing freely through the windows up there as well. The screams of frightened children that echoed over the roar of the inferno would never leave Leon as he sat helplessly at his desk, unable to do anything for them.

Trying to go to sleep after everything he had seen was a fruitless endeavor. The silence in his room was the worst possible thing for him as his mind replayed the screams, the violence, the complete and utter destruction Cloud had caused himself. His Charge's entire life had been annihilated in less than an hour, and Leon couldn't think of how he was going to make any of it better. He could only hope that Cloud wouldn't remember any of it and that the people around him wouldn't say anything. The Carrier sincerely doubted that probability, but at the very least he knew the blonde was leaving in the morning and could get away from it quicker.

Leon gave up on sleep somewhere around three in the morning. He ended up trudging over to Rinoa's room and imposing himself on her. He told her he had had a bad dream and couldn't fall asleep again. He wished he wasn't lying. He hoped he would wake up in a few hours and have it all be something his imagination cooked up. She tried to question him, to pry into why he was so scared, but he couldn't say even though it all wanted to fall out of him in one long confession. She eventually gave up and settled for hugging him tight and trying to comfort him, whispering to him over and over again how it was going to be okay and that she was there for him no matter what.

He didn't believe her.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

Four legs were better than two legs, in Leon's opinion. Despite the fact that being a Carrier in a human world was difficult, he liked his Totem. In retrospect, he could've been much worse off. He couldn't imagine having something like a newt as a Totem, or some sort of tiny rodent. No, he was okay with lions. He only wished he could pet himself. He was willing to bet the texture of his fur felt different when felt with human hands versus his paws. But even if he couldn't figure that detail out for himself just yet, the biggest perk was not having to do anything.

When he was in his Primal form, he was pretty much confined to his dorm with all the doors and windows locked. That was alright. He couldn't do much other than sleep, and so he stretched himself along his couch and did just that. Sometimes he left his computer on, just in case, but even as it sat on the floor where he could see it, there wasn't much there to keep him awake. He was watching Cloud lay around in a virtual coma.

The blonde had been sedated once he had been hauled away from the fire in Nibelheim. That was almost three days ago and he was still asleep. Leon vaguely wondered if they actually put him in a literal coma, but he couldn't be too sure without finding some paperwork or something. Tiny bug arms were not much help when it came to picking through files. He only hoped no damage would be done to his Charge, even if Cloud scared the ever living shit out of him. He sincerely hoped he could get over it eventually; preferably before they left.

The Carrier had thought a lot about what Reno had said to him. He did a bit of soul searching during his restless nights following Aerith's death. He seriously considered leaving, forgetting about Cloud, and moving on to a Charge that _wasn't_ homicidal. His good friend Impatience stopped by for a visit after that, though. Impatience told him he was being stupid and judgmental. Cloud wasn't really homicidal. He was a victim. Giving up after twenty-some-odd years of watching and waiting because his Charge wasn't the most privileged man in the world was an enormous waste and he may as well not have left for Plane 087 in the first place.

So he was trying to force himself to see things a different way. Ever since Cloud was old enough to walk, Leon had been paying attention to what the blonde did, versus who he was. He realized he knew virtually nothing about his Charge's personality. When Cloud was younger and even up until he left for the military, he was around Aerith. The blonde's entire life had been focused on and shared with her in some fashion so now that she was gone, what was left? He was bound to be different, but Leon didn't know enough about him as individual to answer the unknowns. Of course, once recruited, whatever personality Cloud had was squashed under Mako's influence so even now, after his revelation, Leon didn't feel like he would make much progress. But the very least he had a new focus. He felt better because of it, but that didn't help him sleep. He could still see the blood on the floorboards once he closed his eyes.

After it was clear that Cloud wasn't going anywhere still, Leon rolled around on the couch attempting to get comfortable. He took his fitful nap, and awoke a couple hours later to the same scene he had fallen asleep to: Cloud's unconscious face. Even after he changed back, the blonde still wasn't awake. He stayed that way for almost a week. He woke up on his own, but didn't get up for almost an hour after. Even then, his movements were lethargic and unsteady. He looked like he had been hit by a bus and had all his pieces glued back together with rubber cement.

Cloud seemed to be at a loss. He sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his face, and trying to pull himself together. Leon knew his Charge knew something was off. How much he remembered, the Carrier couldn't say, but if he could recall all the damage he caused, he obviously wasn't very concerned about it yet. The blonde left his camera's lens though, and went to take a long shower. Leon let him have his peace and tried to focus on his studying for a bit.

When he came back, Cloud didn't seem much better. In fact, he looked a lot worse. His hands were shaking, his movements were slow, he winced as he walked, and he had to hold himself up with the wall. His pack of supplies had been dumped in his room with him when he came back from Nibelheim and was sitting next to his dresser. The blonde inched his way towards it and flopped to his knees next to it. He shuffled around its contents and retrieved a case that looked extremely familiar. It was the same sort of case Sam, his father, had hidden under the kitchen sink so many years ago. Inside were a couple of pre-measured syringes of Mako, as expected. Leon sighed as Cloud injected himself with one's contents.

After sitting on the floor for a few minutes, letting things sink in and become normal again, the blonde was able to move much easier. The Carrier was a bit amazed at the recovery, even though he knew it was temporary and more damaging than it was worth. The blonde changed his clothes, brushed his teeth, and left his room. Leon hitched a ride on the end of his Charge's pant leg. He had no idea where they were going, but was happy when Cloud found his commanding officer. The C.O. meant possible answers.

"Welcome to the realm of the living once again, Strife," the C.O. said. Cloud gave him a sarcastic and unenergetic salute.

"How the hell did we get back here so fast?" the blonde asked. Leon raised a brow.

"You've been out for a week, you know."

"Oh. No I didn't. That sort of explains it, then, doesn't it?"

"Do you remember where you were before you woke up?"

"Nibelheim."

"Good. Anything else?"

"What do you mean 'anything else?' It was boring as hell. The only saving grace was where I got to sleep."

 _He doesn't remember_ , Leon sighed, almost giddily. He didn't want to have to deal with Cloud's trauma. If the blonde didn't remember, then there was no trauma, right?

"Nibelheim is gone, Strife. Poof. Dead."

 _Or not_.

"…What?" Cloud asked, raising a brow with a deep frown.

"One of the riots got violent once we left and the new squad couldn't handle it. There was a huge fire and a couple of buildings fell apart… it was just all kinds of bad. A lot of people died, but hey, now they don't have to bulldoze anything to make room for the Mako reactor. Shinra Corps. can just plop it in the town square," the C.O. said with a hearty laugh. Cloud furrowed his brows.

"How… how many people died?"

"A good chunk. The only people left are the little kids and the old people, essentially. The uprising had pretty much the entire town in attendance. What's ironic is, they were upset about the Mako reactor killing everything, but then they destroyed it all any-damn-way. It was probably only a couple people that got really violent and it was just a domino effect from there, but the end result is the same. It's a useless husk, now. General Strahl was there for it. He's been going on about it for days."

"But… we were just there… and everything was fine…" Cloud trailed. The C.O. shrugged and waved a dismissive hand.

"Doesn't matter. It was a shithole little dump. It had no other purpose other than what was underneath it. There's a huge deposit of the Lifestream under there. Like a big fat water balloon just begging to be popped."

 _Is this man five years old?_ Leon scoffed. No one seemed to take their ranks seriously in the Midgar military. They all talked as if they were college buddies just hanging around; it didn't matter if someone held authority over someone else. Then again, if there was ever an obedience problem, a truckload of Mako in the veins seemed to help.

"How would I figure out if someone survived?" Cloud asked.

"You don't. You'd have to go back there and see for yourself, but your skinny ass needs to get back into formation and run laps. Fortunately for you, you got to sleep for a week. But you missed a lot of drills and you better make damn sure you make it all up to me."

"But… I have to go bac—"

"Now, Strife."

"But—"

" _Now!_ " the C.O. yelled. Cloud sighed deeply, hesitated, but relented and went to go join the rest of his squad. Watching the blonde run around in circles wasn't Leon's idea of a party so he returned to his books and waited for something interesting to happen.

A couple hours later, and not much had changed. Cloud was being run ragged by his commanding officer, getting cranky, sweating profusely, and was obviously not having any fun. The Carrier would admit that the amount of pushups his Charge could do in one session was impressive, but other than that, nothing was going on. That is, until Sephiroth showed up. He and Cloud's C.O. had a brief discussion on the other side of the training grounds before the blonde was called over to join them. Once he got closer, and subsequently Leon got closer, the Carrier noticed the General's eyes shining with the biggest shit-eating grin to match them. Sephiroth was tweaked, but _way_ too happy about it.

"Ah, there you are. Have a nice nap?" the General asked, draping his arm around Cloud's shoulders and leaning in gleefully. Leon scowled. Cloud raised a brow.

"I guess?" the blonde responded uneasily. Sephiroth stood straight again and have him a firm pat on the back, which was more like a slap since Cloud lurched forward from the force.

"Good! I've heard a lot of stories about you and I decided that you and I need to be _best_ friends."

"…Sir?" the blonde questioned, giving the General a leery look-over. Sephiroth laughed.

"Don't look so scared. This is an opportunity for you, believe me. Come on. Walk with me," he insisted happily and nudged Cloud to follow him as he headed off in the other direction. The blonde trailed after him warily. Sephiroth talked over his shoulder to him, gesturing with his hands excitedly for emphasis. "If I had ten thousand more soldiers like you, Balamb would be dust in a matter of minutes. I've read the reports, heard of all the things you've done, the people you've killed, the strength you have, and I decided that you being here is a serious waste of time. But! Before I send you away where you'll be most effective, I wanted to give you a present to help you be the best soldier you could possibly be."

"I'm not sure what to say…" Cloud faded. He was mostly paying attention to the floor and Sephiroth's boots, but Leon could tell that that's where his attention span ended. The blonde seemed too deep in thought to fully understand what was happening.

"Think nothing of it! Just keep up what you're doing and don't change a thing. Now," Sephiroth said, pushing a pair of large doors open and heading into what looked to be a garage of sorts. Vehicles and machines of all types were lined up and waiting to be used. Armored cars, miniature tanks and assault vehicles, motorcycles, wagons, vans, carriers, everything Leon could imagine was in sight, even some things he had never seen nor heard of before. Sephiroth led Cloud over to the motorcycles where there was a small grouping covered in a tarp. "These are our newest toys. I want you to learn how to operate one of these so I can ship you off overseas. The men over there already are having a blast with them, or so I hear."

"Where am I going, exactly?" Cloud asked confusedly.

"Galbadia."

 _Galbadia… That's so close_ , Leon realized. Butterflies erupted in his stomach and his heart sped up.

"I was actually going to request to go back to Nibelheim," Cloud muttered, looking none too thrilled.

"Pff! Don't be ridiculous. You don't have a purpose there anymore. You did your job. Time to move on," Sephiroth said, pulling the tarp off of the group of motorcycles. They were enormous for what they were. Huge machines covered in a sleek black frame that was a little too bulky for Leon's tastes. Most of the weight of the bike seemed to be in the back with the chrome, black, and bronze mechanics, but the front had a massive wheel that looked like it could weigh just as much. As soon as he saw it, Cloud's expression turned from 'I'm worried sick' to 'oooh, shiny.'

"That is a very sexy machine," he said simply. Sephiroth laughed.

"I'm inclined to agree. This is a Fenrir. You have six months to learn everything about this thing inside and out. You'll be its mechanic, and it will be your main mode of transportation for just about everything you do from here on out. You may as well get married to it and have little unicycle children together. But in addition to the bike itself, you'll have to relearn your combat skills. It accommodates a variation of the standard Buster Sword and it'll take some getting used to. But I'm confident you'll be fine."

"What will I do with it once I get to Galbadia? Other than ride around and scare people with it? Is there some sort of plan I should know about?"

"Our hold on Galbadia is strong, but we're attempting to move forward, as always. We've had the country under our occupation for a while now, and there's a lot of development happening that we need support for. We also need to expand to accommodate it all. Deling City is a nice thing to have, but we're working on remodeling their missile base to house our armaments too. In order to do that and get it finished, we've had to call in Shinra Corps to come and install a Mako reactor. They're using an abandoned underground prison as their base. Once that's all set (it shouldn't take more than a year or so) then we can move forward, take Dollet and Timber, and then we'll have two port cities right on the Balamb capitol border."

 _Fuck_ , Leon spat.

"Makes sense. But why is Shinra using a prison for their base?"

"Their Headquarters has one underneath it, and that's where we keep the prisoners of war we take from Balamb. They do it as an added security measure because Balamb is way too soft to shoot off a bunch of missiles at their own men. Having a prison under the only Mako reactor on Balamb soil is almost a no-brainer for that same reason. Plus, its way more secure than just taking over a huge farm or an office building or something. It saves us a lot of time and resources since it's already built and waiting for us."

"Ah. Okay," Cloud said, sounding a little bored. His mind was over the novelty of the Fenrir and it was slowly drifting back to where it was before. Sephiroth leaned over the side of the motorcycle and pulled open a little compartment where a set of keys was being stored. He took them, and handed them off to Cloud with a pat on his shoulder. The blonde stared at his hand blankly.

"Don't look so excited," he said with a smirk. Cloud blinked a few times and looked to him.

"Sorry, I'm a little distracted. It's a lot to take in. Um… thanks. I think," he said. The General laughed.

"You're quite welcome. Like I said, just keep doing what you're doing. You'll go far if you do."

* * *

Later that evening, Jessie came to visit. Cloud had spent most of his evening quietly staring at Aerith's pictures, stewing in his thoughts. He didn't look upset anymore. He looked numb. Empty. Vacant. Leon was worried, but had more pertinent things to think about. The new information he had heard about Midgar's advances was swimming around in his head like an itch he couldn't scratch. He knew he shouldn't interfere and tell anyone anything but the guilt was killing him. He was thankful when Jessie showed up when she did, otherwise he might have drove himself insane with the silence.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, taking a seat next to Cloud on his bed. She looked a little better today. More clothing and less makeup seemed to do wonders for her. She still wasn't what she used to be, but at least she wasn't looking like gutter trash. "I know you weren't feeling well and slept a lot last week. I also heard you got a sort-of promotion and you get to ride a Fenrir. That's awesome."

"Did you hear about Nibelheim?"

"…I was hoping you hadn't," she admitted sheepishly, picking at the sleeve of her oversized sweater.

"Then you know how I'm feeling," he said flatly. She frowned.

"I sort of resolved myself to staying here, so I can't say I feel much different. I just hope everyone's okay and it isn't as bad as they say it is."

"I'm worried about Aerith."

"I am too."

"I want to go back."

"I do too."

"I'm trying to think of ways to do it."

"You can't get assigned there again?"

"I'm going to Galbadia supposedly."

"Oh… do you know when?"

"Whenever they think I'm ready. Six months or so, maybe," Cloud sighed. "I would feel better knowing if I should worry or not. This… sitting around without closure is killing me."

"Have you tried contacting Barret?"

"I don't even know how. He comes to me."

"Oh. Well, maybe I can help," Jessie said, pulling a leg up onto the bed and folding it under herself. "I can ask around and see if I can get someone to call him or something. I was prepared to just wait it out and see, but I'm willing to help you."

"You really think you can get someone to find her for me? Or just… figure out if she's okay? Even if it's not Barret, I don't really care so long as I know," the blonde said, sounding almost desperate. Jessie nodded with a tiny smile and patted his leg.

"I'll figure something out. I'd like to know, too."

"Thank you. I'll make it up to you."

* * *

Selphie was gradually becoming more and more serious about her Festival Committee duties. Leon honestly thought he was just helping stuff a few flowers in the ground and that was the end of it, but apparently he was a fully fledged member. He woke up one morning to find a flyer taped to his door telling him about a Committee meeting he was supposed to go to. He hadn't heard anything about the Committee for months, so the message was a little surprising. After his classes that day, he showed up in the library with a look of confusion. There were more people there than he had anticipated, including Zell and Seifer, Irvine, Rinoa, Selphie of course, and Quistis.

"Oh my gosh yay!" Selphie squealed when she noticed him standing awkwardly in the entryway. Quistis, who was standing up front with the hyper Committee leader, smiled at him.

"Glad you could make it," she said.

"I'm not really sure why I'm here," he admitted, taking a seat next to Rinoa, who had deposited herself in the back. Irvine was all the way in the front and she watched the back of his head warily.

"Well there's more to this meeting than what Selphie probably let on," the instructor said. They continued the small talk amongst one another for another ten minutes before Selphie decided everyone who was going to show was there already. Then Quistis got right to the point. "Headmaster Cid is looking for volunteers. If you agree, instead of taking your traditional field exam for your final, you'll be given a pass provided your performance is adequate. All of you need to take some sort of test in order to progress into your next year so getting it out of the way early might be of interest to you. Plus, it'd be valuable experience."

"Who are we killing?" Seifer blurted obnoxiously. Quistis rolled her eyes.

"It's anacondaur mating season and they're wreaking havoc in Dollet. The mayor asked us if we can send over some cadets to help control the situation. They've already had some people get attacked and it's only going to get worse. If you accept, you'll all go over there for a few weeks until the season is over and things get peaceful again. But, once you're finished, if everything worked out well enough and you all acted as you're supposed to, then you'll pass and just come back to take your written exams."

Leon recognized the word 'anacondaur' from the books he had gone over with Zack. If he remembered correctly, they were a type of enormous snake; huge constrictors that used a sort of necrotic poison if it felt threatened enough. The thought of a twenty foot snake wrapping around him was not something he considered appealing, but finishing his first year hunting them sounded okay. It was much better than going one-on-one with his fellow students and possibly getting burned alive or electrocuted by the magic users. A change of scenery and a break from Rinoa's pushiness seemed okay too, though he felt bad admitting it.

"I guess there's no point in me being here," Rinoa said with a tiny sigh.

"Sorry, I sort of put the fliers on everyone's doors, not just the members," Selphie mumbled, shuffling her foot.

"I'm not a member, either. I was just curious to see what was up," Zell piped over his shoulder to Rinoa. "I'm glad I came though, this sounds way better than doing practice rounds," he added.

"When would we leave?" Irvine chimed.

"Sunday," Quistis said. It was Thursday.

"That's pretty short notice."

"This _is_ the military. Plans change on a whim, and if you can't deal with it then you shouldn't be here."

"What, is it going to interfere with your hair appointment?" Seifer asked snidely, garnering a small glare from Irvine in return. "What the fuck else are you going to do?"

"Was that really necessary?" Quistis asked. Seifer gave her a cocky smirk and a scoff.

"Is there a sign-up sheet or something?" Leon asked, hoping to steer the conversation back into useful territory. Quistis glanced at him before she nodded and crouched behind one of the tables and dug around in her bag. She retrieved a large day planner and pulled out a few sheets of paper and handed it off to Irvine with a pen.

"You're going?" Rinoa asked him when the sheet got to Leon and he was scribbling his name on the line. He glanced at her.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" he asked.

"Because you'd miss me?" she guessed.

"It's only for a few weeks."

"…So you _wouldn't_ miss me?"

"Of course I would," he lied.

"But you're still going."

"Yes."

"I don't want you to," she whined.

"Well… too bad? I'm not really sure what you want me to say. I'm not going to hold myself back if I have an opportunity to get ahead. I'm sorry you weren't aware of that."

"You'll still pass if you stay here, and you wouldn't have to leave me," she defended. Leon sighed and rubbed his eyebrows.

"Don't start this here, please," he muttered angrily. She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Fine. We'll talk later."

Little did Leon know that 'later' meant 'twenty seconds after everyone started to leave.' He got all of ten minutes of peace before Rinoa started badgering him again. She talked and talked and talked and talked all the way back to his dorm about how dangerous it could be and how much she would worry about him. All Leon could think about was how he could get her to be quiet. Stuffing his penis in her mouth didn't seem like an adequate solution in that context, even though it worked all the other times he wanted silence. He considered running into his dorm and locking her out. But by the time he thought that up, they were already halfway through the door together.

"—and I just don't understand why it's more appealing to go out and possibly die than stay here, get the same result, but do it in a safe environment," she said.

"It's just a snake," he clipped.

"But it's a really really really big snake. I hate snakes."

"Please stop nagging me."

"But I'm just worried about you—"

"Do you not understand that I have just as much of a chance at getting hurt there as I do here? Nothing is perfectly safe in this place. It's still the military, it's still violent, it's still dangerous! It doesn't matter where the fuck I am because the risk is all the same! Get it through your head already otherwise you're going to drive me insane!" he barked at her.

"I'm just trying to keep you safe!"

"Fine. Then let's leave. I obviously can't be trusted with anything sharper than a butter knife because it's 'unsafe' so living here around all this pointy shit is _obviously_ a cause for concern. Let's move away into the countryside and live in a nice soft plastic bubble where nothing can get in or out so we'd be safe from everything the world has. Would that make you happy? Would that get you to _shut up_?"

"Why are you getting so defensive?" she asked, obviously hurt.

"Because you're not my mother, for one thing, and because you're trying to hold me back. I don't like that. Trying to convince me to not do something that would put me ahead in life is a _really_ quick way to get under my skin. All I want to do is take a fucking test so I can finish and move onto my second year and you're making it sound like I'm purposefully blowing you off and disregarding you. Like I have some huge grudge against you and the _entire_ reason I want to do this is to get away from you. Well, that might become part of the reason if you don't accept my choice and move on," he said harshly. Getting away from her was simply a perk, not the entire reason for his acceptance.

"But you signed up to leave so readily; what was I supposed to think?"

"Rinoa, stop. You're over thinking things again. Stop upsetting yourself."

"Well if it isn't true, why are you still leaving?"

"Because it's my life! My decision! Why are a few weeks away so fucking detrimental? It's not like I'm going on some wild trip with a bunch of other women who pledged to spend at least half of that time naked around me. Do you seriously think I'm leaving so I can sleep around and… party or something? Think about that for a second. _Me_ at a _party_ ," he said, giving her a meaningful look. She stayed quiet and looked away from him. He furrowed his brows together. "That is it, isn't it? You think I'm that easy? That dishonest? I'm insulted."

"It's just that…" she trailed, hesitating for too long. Leon may not have loved her, but he certainly didn't hate her. He was annoyed by her on a lot of occasions but the instances were forgettable and petty. He wasn't nearly to the point of frustration in their relationship that he would be unfaithful.

"What?"

"Maybe I'm a little paranoid, but you're so distant… sometimes I wonder."

"There isn't much I can do about that. All I can say is that it's not true and agree that you're paranoid," he said. She stayed quiet, looking down at the floor. "Is that not good enough? Am I supposed to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness for something I never even did?"

"Do you love me?" she asked quietly. His stomach turned to ice. He considered lying to her, but that would invite more problems in the long run for him. He decided to be honest.

"I can't," he said. It wasn't exactly a lie; it was more like a partial truth. She seemed surprised and stared at him confusedly.

"Can't? Like you want to, but something's keeping you from it, or can't like you don't have the ability to?"

"A little of both," he admitted. He couldn't if he wanted to, but at the same time he didn't want to. He wasn't prepared to flat out tell her 'I'd fuck you, but I don't want to stay with you forever' since it seemed a little heartless. He appreciated the companionship, but that was pretty much the end of it.

"I don't understand…"

"It's complicated."

"I'd at least like you to _try_ to explain."

"That would delve into the things I'd rather not share. But it doesn't have anything to do with you," he lied. He couldn't help himself in the end. He wasn't prepared to deal with her tears nor was he willing to push her away and isolate himself again. It was a vicious cycle. She let out a frustrated sigh.

"I hate that you hide things from me."

"I know you do. I've apologized before and I'll keep doing it."

"Or you could just tell me."

"No," he said flatly, ending the conversation. "Nothing's changed. Nothing's new or different. You don't have to worry. Just let me go to Dollet without making me feel guilty, please. That's all I'm asking of you."

"Fine," she grumped. "But if you get hurt, don't you dare come crying to me. I'll be pissed."

"Deal."

* * *

Friday rolled around and Leon didn't know what to think. Cloud hadn't changed much. It was worrisome yet relieving at the same time. He kept waiting for the blonde to explode and do something drastic with all the pent up worry, but he never did. He returned to his zombie-like state and waited around until Jessie finally approached him with information. Leon didn't want to think about the things the girl might have had to do in order to obtain the tidbits but he was thankful she brought something new to wake Cloud up. He didn't like to see his Charge so blank and empty.

"She's gone, Cloud," Jessie said carefully, watching the blonde closely. She was sitting next to him on his bed. Leon couldn't figure out how much the girl knew. Had she found the soldiers that had discovered Aerith? Did she know it was Cloud's fault? And if she did, was she going to say anything? Regardless, his Charge was quiet for a long while. He eventually took a deep breath.

"…Okay," he said. Leon furrowed his brows.

_That's it?_

"Are you… upset? In denial? I can't tell," Jessie admitted. The blonde glanced at her and shrugged.

"No, not in denial. I was preparing myself for it. Thanks. Confirmation is good."

"I was expecting you to be a bit more hysterical."

"Sorry. I've been thinking a lot."

"About how she was probably gone?"

"That, and what I'm going to do."

"Do?"

"With myself. She was all that I had. I don't have a home to return to and I don't have a family. It's just me. I… don't know what to do," he said, staring off into space in front of himself.

_It's okay. You can come home with me and we can make a fort out of couch cushions to live in. Houses are overrated. We'll worry about the family once we get there._

"Well… you're here. You can try to make the most of it and try to make it a career. That's what Biggs did. He seemed happy the last time I saw him."

"Maybe. I just… need to think about it. I need to be by myself for a bit," he said. Jessie nodded and stood.

"Did you want a hug?" she asked. Cloud shook his head and stayed in his spot.

"No. I'm fine," he said. Leon scowled. Jessie sighed a bit.

"If you say so. Goodnight."

"Night," the blonde said, watching her leave.

That was the moment Leon expected the blonde to fall apart. He could understand holding out until Jessie left to save some pride, but even as the minutes ticked by and the news sunk in, Cloud didn't react. The Carrier was worried. He wondered how much his Charge remembered and that maybe he was trying to come to terms with what he did. Maybe he was in shock. Leon couldn't tell, and it was frustrating. The longer Cloud stayed silent and blank, the more it made him angry. He didn't want a zombie for a Charge.

When Friday rolled into Saturday, things started to pick up, but it wasn't how Leon had expected things to go. He expected the blonde to be depressed and unresponsive, but it was quite the contrary. He was quiet, but he seemed more focused on doing more things. Training, hanging around with other soldiers, being a part of the pseudo-community the base had versus imploding on himself and hiding in his room. His interactions with the others were minimal, but much more than he had been doing beforehand.

By that evening, Leon was getting suspicious. Cloud's behavior seemed to be turning for the worse. He didn't seem to care as much about certain things anymore. Like drinking. A few of his squad members invited him along to go watch the strippers and Cloud actually sat with them and did just as they did, which was drink and be obnoxious. Before, the blonde seemed to avoid things that would inhibit him, or make him feel guilty to admit doing. Either he saw Aerith as something like a burden on his social life and was rebelling to spite her now that she was gone, or he just didn't see the point in giving a damn anymore. Either way, Leon didn't like it. His least favorite moment was when it came time to leave. Cloud went so far as to take a girl back to his room with him.

 _The hell is he doing?_ He asked himself when Cloud abruptly shoved the woman onto his bed. She didn't resist and submitted to him quickly when he started pulling at her clothing and pushing her around as he pleased. She ended up on all fours with her face smashed into his pillow as the blonde proceeded to have his way with her. She attempted to protest and tell him he was hurting her but he wasn't listening and simply sped up, pounding into her with bruising force. She quickly gave up and kept quiet, gripping his sheets tightly and squeezing her eyes shut as the tears leaked free. Leon stared at his computer screen with a combination of shock and disgust.

Once Cloud was finished with her, he didn't even let her stay. He got up, pulled her out of the bed, pushed her out into the hall, shoved her clothes in her arms and slammed the door in her face. He was silent the entire time, which was unsettling. The lack of emotion was more disturbing than his actions, in Leon's opinion. Had his Charge been happy with what he did, he would've settled for it. At least then he would know that the blonde still had the capability of feeling something. But he got nothing. Once the girl was gone, he took a shower, got into his pajamas, and went to sleep like nothing had ever happened. He didn't stare at Aerith's picture for hours beforehand, he didn't cry, he didn't scream, he didn't do anything he should have been doing.

He was just giving up.


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

Leon packed with lightning speed. He was so happy to get away from Rinoa and the awkwardness she had created between them. Granted, he knew he wasn't A+ boyfriend material, but he was relieved to be getting away for a bit. The only thing that would've made the trip better was if it was happening six months later. Galbadia was extremely close to Dollet and if Cloud was going to Galbadia, well, Leon would've bid his permanent farewells and just jumped on a train to the other city. But, his Charge was still in Midgar.

Dollet was just a few hours away from Balamb by boat. Everyone pretty much took a nap on the way there. Aside from Selphie, Zell, Seifer, Irvine, Quistis, and himself, there were only a couple other students going with them; much less than the Carrier had anticipated. It was fine with him, though. He didn't need a thousand people he didn't know crowding around him. As if to solidify his isolation, Leon was one of the few people who stayed awake during the trip. He took roost on deck and poked at his computer. No one bothered him, and the peace was well appreciated.

They weren't on a proper mission for the military, so their little vessel was a passenger boat that could hold _maybe_ fifty people if it tried hard enough. It safely squeezed between the other boats in the harbor and everyone filed out quietly onto the boardwalk. Selphie was the one with the most luggage; which meant Irvine had the most out of everyone since somewhere along the line he ended up carrying both of theirs. Leon didn't ask questions and just assumed that Irvine finally got the chance to ask the hyper brunette out. It was either that, or Irvine was a pushover. Both were plausible scenarios.

There was a bus waiting for them when they arrived and everyone took a seat. Something Leon noticed was that Seifer and Zell made every effort to stay away from one another. The Carrier understood the secrecy, but at the same time, he wondered if either of them was truly happy with the way things were. The entire situation was intriguing regardless of how much he knew it wasn't any of his business. The bus took them through the city towards the mountains. There was a hotel near the back gate that led out into the wilderness, and that's where they were to stay. They went inside, Quistis checked them in, and handed off room keys to everyone.

"Are these room assignments set in stone?" Seifer asked abruptly. Quistis raised a brow.

"Why?" she asked. Leon looked at Seifer's key. He noticed he had the same number on his. He scowled.

"I'm a little curious, myself," the Carrier said. Quistis rolled her eyes.

"Oh honestly!" she sighed. "Grow up. Yes they're permanent. You know why? Because your maturity apparently needs some adjustment. I'm asking you to sleep in the general vicinity of each other; not get married. You'll be fine. If not, then you aren't going to get very far. As for the rest of the day," she said, turning to look at everyone in the lobby. "You all have until tomorrow to do as you please. We're getting up early for a briefing so we can start. Remember you're representing the school here, so be on your best behavior. I would suggest staying armed when in this area as the anacondaurs are out and prevalent."

"Yes ma'am," everyone mumbled. Quistis nodded and headed off for her own room, giving the signal that they were free. Selphie followed after her with her bags, as she was the only other woman there and they were apparently sharing a room. Everyone else drifted away, leaving Seifer and Leon in the lobby, glaring at one another.

"Keep your fairy dust off my things, and we'll be fine," the blonde spat. Leon rolled his eyes and followed after him towards their room.

"Did you want me to give Zell my key?" he asked when the door closed behind them. Seifer scoffed and tossed his bag on one of the beds.

"Do whatever you want."

"I don't understand where the hostility comes from. I never did anything to you without you starting something first, you know."

"Shut up."

Leon sighed and shook his head. There was a knock on the door and he went to answer. It was Zell. "Oh. Good timing."

"What did he do?" Zell asked with an exasperated huff.

"Nothing. I was just leaving," Leon said and bypassed the other and stepped out into the hall.

"So soon? We just got here."

"I'm going to make an effort to be out of the room as much as possible."

"Oh…" Zell trailed, sending Seifer a tiny glare. He stepped into the room and grabbed the rectangular case that held Leon's Gunblade and shoved it in the Carrier's hands. "If you're going out there, you really need to be armed."

"…Think so?" Leon asked with a raised brow.

"We're practically six feet away from Galbadia, meaning Midgar, and we're surrounded by twenty foot snakes. Yeah. I think so."

"Good point," the Carrier agreed and unclipped the lock on his case. He had been confused when some random girl showed up at his door dragging the box behind herself. She could hardly lift it but was tasked with delivering it to him anyway. But he quickly understood what it was and took it from her so she could stand up straight. That was the only pleasurable experience he had had with the blade. He wanted to forget it ever existed. But he agreed with Zell's very valid reasoning and fastened the annoying blade to his side. It came with two belts of excess ammunition that lay crisscrossed over his pelvis, ready for use. He handed the case back to Zell. "Satisfied, mother?"

"Yes. Now be a good boy and behave yourself. Don't talk to strangers. Stand up straight. Eat your vegetables. And… whatever. Just don't be stupid."

"I'll be fine," Leon laughed, taking his leave. The door clicked shut and he immediately tried to forget Seifer and Zell were alone in his room together. He left the hotel and headed back the way everyone came on the bus. He didn't really know where he was going, and he hoped he wouldn't get lost, but he just knew he wanted nothing to do with his hotel room. Walking around and window shopping was his best avenue for entertainment.

He eventually found himself in the town center. People milled around the large fountain in the middle of the cobblestone square, most of which were armed. The men carried very obvious guns with them; some even had swords or simple oversized knives. There were very few women walking around without male accompaniment, but the ones that did had much of the same arsenal. No one gave Leon and his oversized blade a second glance. It was sort of refreshing even if he still felt horribly out of place. But before his anxiety got the better of him, he saw a red dot in the distance. He politely nudged his way through the people and around the fountain until he could confirm his suspicions.

"Reno!" he barked, his anger bubbling up and playing out on his face blatantly. The redhead was standing outside the entrance to a bar talking with Rude and two other people. He was dressed in a black suit with a white dress shirt underneath. While the other three people with him wore their suit jackets neatly closed with neckties, Reno opted to wear his sloppily and kept his shirt loose and half open. He had a metal rod fastened to his side which clicked against the wall of the building when he turned around quickly to meet Leon's angry eyes.

"Holy fu—" he sentence was cut off abruptly when Leon's fist collided with his jaw. Reno staggered but the russet Carrier grabbed the front of his jacket and shook him, keeping him upright.

" _WHERE THE_ _ **FUCK**_ _HAVE YOU BEEN?_ " Leon roared in his face. If he wasn't attracting attention before, he certainly was now. He heard a click and felt something cold and cylindrical press against his temple. He froze, straining to see out of the corners of his eyes without moving.

"R-relax. Everyone relax," Reno stammered. He held up his hand and waved at one of his companions. "Tseng, seriously. It's okay. I totally deserved it."

"You're sure?" the supposed 'Tseng' asked. Reno nodded and the cylinder left the russet Carrier's skin. The redhead sighed and looked at Leon again.

"Care to have a seat and sit like a civilized person?"

"You going to run off and not talk to me for another year?"

"Missed me did you?"

"You're the only one who understands."

"Aw, I missed you too," Reno twittered with a smile. He looked to the other three. "I'll catch up with you guys in a bit," he said. The others left quietly, heading into the bar and leaving them outside. "I'm done with you wrinkling my shirt. Let me go."

"It's already wrinkly. You look like a hobo," Leon said, taking a step back. Reno brushed the material back into place and stretched his jaw, rubbing his chin a bit.

"That was an awful greeting, by the way. You scared the hell out of me."

"Good. I meant to. Care to explain what happened to you?"

"Well, I was over our little tête à tête after a couple days but I didn't have any time to call you back. I did a couple times but you never answered so I figured you were still angry at me."

"I called you… a lot. I'm having a hard time believing we missed each other _that_ much. I thought you were still mad at _me_."

"Would've served you right if I was; lucky for you I'm just really bad at holding grudges."

"A lot has happened. I really could've used some encouragement," Leon sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Reno frowned.

"I'd give you a hug but that might come off as a little weird in such mixed company."

"It's fine. I don't want one."

"Break my heart why don't you?"

"I already have. Time to move on to other things."

"Well, let's take a seat inside and you can share your woes with me," Reno urged, nudging Leon towards the door of the bar. It was a small place, hardly big enough to seat 20 people, but it was mostly empty and dark. The trio that had come in before them were all holed up at one table together, talking quietly amongst themselves with a couple of drinks already on the table. Reno pulled Leon along to a table in the opposite corner of them where it was the quietest. It also happened to be the darkest corner. They both ordered glasses of water when the waitress came to their table. They waited for her to bring them before they started talking.

" _I take it you've established some sort of connection with Rude?_ " Leon asked quietly. In order to keep things completely anonymous, he switched languages and started speaking in his native tongue so only Reno could understand. It took him a minute to stumble through the sentence and get his bearings with the words he hadn't used for over twenty years, but once he got it again, it was like riding a bike. One never forgets. Reno raised a brow at the language but shrugged and let it slide.

" _Working on something more, but he's my buddy, yeah. We're supposed to be talking about you, by the way._ "

" _I've thought a lot about what you told me. Unfortunately the thoughts came at the worst possible time, so I don't have any information that'd make you cream your panties. Sorry in advance._ "

" _I'm not sure I understand._ "

" _Valuing Cloud and all that. It's… hard to talk about. I value him as a person, and more so as my Charge, but he's done so much and hurt so many people that it's fogging over everything and making it hard to see past his sins. I value him for what he could be, but I hate him for what he is. He's… he's a murderer._ "

" _Is this still about that weird gay kid?_ " Reno asked. Leon shook his head with a deep sigh.

" _No. He killed Aerith_ ," he mumbled. The redhead's brows furrowed together and he stared at the other Carrier in disbelief.

" _You're not serious._ "

" _I wish I was lying._ "

" _Fuck. When?_ "

" _Almost a couple weeks ago_."

"… _I'm—I don't know what to say to that. How's he taking it?_ "

" _He knows she's dead. He just thinks she died in a riot that broke out over the Mako reactor that's supposed to go up in Nibelheim soon._ "

" _Are you going to tell him the truth?_ "

" _No. What purpose would that serve?_ "

" _I was just wondering_ ," Reno said, leaning back in his seat and slouching a bit. " _What are you going to do?_ "

" _I don't know. Part of me wants to forget about him and go home_ ," Leon said, a lump forming in his chest. Reno furrowed his brows sympathetically. The russet Carrier leaned forward and folded his arms on the table to rest his head on. He heaved a heavy sigh. " _I'm so tired. I haven't even started yet, either. Why is everything so much more difficult for me_?" he mumbled. Reno pet his hair a bit.

" _I'm not really sure. But I know you'd feel awful for the rest of your life if you gave up now. Seeing as how long we live, that could be a while. Would you be prepared enough to live with that?_ "

" _I know I can't leave him here. There's no question in my mind that I'll eventually take him home with me, but it doesn't help the hopelessness I feel. Even if I do get him to cross over, what's to say that anything will change? I'll still be scared of him. He may even be scared of himself. I can't even imagine trying to cope with that. I'm having a hard time keeping myself together and I wasn't even there. It wasn't my girlfriend, either._ "

" _I wish I had something supportive to say. I honestly don't know what to tell you_ ," Reno sighed.

" _He's gradually going off the deep end. I don't know how much more he can take. It already looks like he's given up to me, but at the same time, I think he would've ended up killing himself had he truly given up. I… I have to get him out of here_."

" _It makes me happy to hear you say that_ ," the redhead said with a small smile. Leon averted his eyes and concentrated on an empty table that was off to the side.

" _It hurts me to see him like this._ "

" _It hurts when I see Rude upset. I would be concerned if you didn't feel anything for Cloud._ "

" _I feel too much. Too much all at once. I hate him but I don't. I'm afraid of him, but I can't leave him behind. I'm disgusted by him and yet I still watch him. I don't understand it all._ "

" _I can imagine this is how some people feel when their significant others or family members turn out to be rapists or murderers. You love them so much that you have a hard time processing the mistakes they make; especially when they're that extreme._ "

" _I hate it_."

" _I would think so._ "

" _What should I do?_ "

" _I can't make that decision for you._ "

" _What would_ _ **you**_ _do, then?_ "

" _I'm not sure. It's hard for me to imagine_ ," Reno said thoughtfully. He frowned a bit. " _I don't think I'd give up. I'd take him home and squeeze the happy back into him_."

" _I'm afraid I won't see the person he used to be anymore. I liked the Cloud that had Aerith around constantly. He was so much happier, so much more pleasant._ "

" _He is who he is. That person doesn't disappear just because Aerith did. Buried, maybe, but not gone. It's impossible_ ," Reno said. Leon couldn't think of much else to say and let the words sink in. He sighed again.

" _Do you think he'll ever be that happy again?_ "

" _I don't see why he couldn't be. The wounds are fresh and they're always the most painful in the beginning. Give them some time to heal before you worry about what comes afterward._ "

" _Okay,_ " Leon said. He wasn't up for arguing. He sat up again and rubbed his face. " _So what the fuck are you doing here?_ " he asked flatly.

" _In Dollet? Walking around, really. Scouting. The big boss man is building a Mako reactor not too far from here. We're staying in Galbadia, officially, but wandering around just about everywhere to see what's what. We just got in town a couple days ago. We were in Winhill before. Going to Timber in a couple weeks._ "

" _The reactor on the abandoned prison?_ " Leon asked. Reno sat up straight and gave him a surprised look.

" _Does Balamb know about that?_ "

" _Not that I'm aware of. I heard it from one of the Generals Cloud's been hanging around_."

" _Oh. Which General?_ "

" _Strahl? His first name is Sephiroth._ "

" _Oh,_ _ **that**_ _guy? He's a fucking loony. Holy shit. He's raped so many people, you have no idea. He's probably killed at least half of them afterward, too. I avoid him like the plague._ "

" _He likes Cloud_."

" _That… makes me nervous._ "

" _Think he'll go after him?_ "

" _I'm not sure. He doesn't actively go after guys but at the same time, he's off his rocker eighty percent of his day so he just sort of grabs whoever's around when he needs it._ "

" _That's the last thing Cloud needs; getting raped._ "

" _Well from what you've told me, I think Cloud could probably hold him off._ "

" _Even still. The trauma would still be there. But if Sephiroth fucks guys… why is he still around? You'd think he would've been discharged or something like all the other homosexuals are._ "

" _I don't know. His dad was a General too. That probably has something to do with it. But for what it's worth, Sephiroth is really good at what he does. Scarily so. He's also a few months away from getting geostigma so I wouldn't be surprised if the government is just waiting it out and using him until he dies._ "

" _True. Anyway, so you're staying here, then?_ "

" _Yeah. We have a couple rooms at one of the inns near the east gate. But Rufus is staying in Galbadia until the Mako reactor is finished, so I'll be in the general vicinity for a while._ "

" _Cloud is going to Galbadia eventually_."

" _Awesome! I'll keep an eye open. Hopefully he won't do anything stupid while he's there._ "

" _I can only hope_ ," Leon sighed.

" _I can ask you the same question though. What the fuck are_ _ **you**_ _doing here?_ "

" _I have an assignment. This is really my test to finish my first year. Snake hunting. There's a few others with me. We're staying at the hotel near the back gate of the city; the one that leads out towards the mountains._ "

" _Ever the overachiever aren't you?_ " Reno asked. Leon shrugged.

" _It gets me out_."

" _True. But now that we've caught up a little, you know what I'm going to ask about don't you?_ "

" _Yes it happened. And no, I'm not telling you about it_ ," Leon said flatly, knowing full well Reno was going to pry into his sex life. The redhead beamed.

" _I'm so happy for you! Feel better afterwards?_ "

" _No._ "

"… _Are you crazy?_ " Reno asked confusedly.

" _No._ "

" _Well what's wrong, then?_ "

" _She's wrong. None of it feels right. I get more satisfaction from masturbating_ ," Leon grumbled. The redhead raised a brow.

" _Hm. Weird._ "

" _I don't love her._ "

" _I would hope not. Forging that sort of connection with someone you'll have to leave behind is detrimental_."

" _I don't want to have sex with someone I don't love. But I feel awful for wanting to drop her because the sex is bad. It's sort of a cyclical way of thinking but until I can leave and get away from her permanently, I'm just going to put up with it._ "

" _You're torturing yourself again._ "

" _I'm avoiding massive amounts of petty guilt_."

" _Still. It's not healthy_."

" _I'm aware of that,_ " the brunette said. Reno sighed.

" _Well, hopefully you'll be able to leave soon. I would just focus on Cloud until then._ "

Leon didn't know how he was going to watch Cloud while in Dollet. He would be around people constantly during his stay, which was good for snake killing, but bad for just about everything else. By the time he returned back to the hotel it was after dark. Small talk between he and Reno had lasted a great deal longer than he had anticipated, but after some food and farewells, he was feeling substantially better. Reno apologized profusely for not getting in contact sooner and vowed to get in touch soon if they didn't see each other again before they left Dollet. Leon was hoping the redhead was serious. He missed the sympathetic company.

When he returned to his room, all was quiet. Seifer was sleeping. The Carrier furrowed his brows at the shape of the lump in the blonde's bed. It was much larger than what was normal and quite lumpy. It took him a minute to realize Zell was in there with him and Leon contemplated kicking them both out into the hall. Sleeping was innocent enough but the Carrier was using his own experiences with Rinoa as reference to the situation. Sleeping hardly stayed sleeping and turned to other things more often than not. Leon wasn't about to be present for any of it. The piles of clothes scattered around the bed was indication enough of what he had already missed.

* * *

Thankfully, the evening remained quiet. The next day started the hunt. But it wasn't so much of a hunt for sport as it was a method of protection. Leon and his fellow students donned their cadet uniforms and patrolled the streets keeping an eye out for the giant snakes that had supposedly started wreaking havoc amongst the populace. Quistis briefed them quickly of what their routes were and they were set out in pairs to walk them in shifts. Leon was partnered with Irvine.

"It wasn't always like this," Irvine said.

"What?" the other asked, not really paying attention to him.

"It's only been within the last few years that the anacondaurs have really been a problem. I don't know if it's over population or if they're being washed out of Galbadia territory and are moving this way."

"These things are in Galbadia too?"

"Oh yeah," Irvine said. He turned and pointed towards the canyon and mountains that flanked the back of the city. "That's the Hasberry Valley and on the other side of it are the Hasberry Plains. That's technically where Galbadian territory starts. Dollet and Timber are really part of Balamb territory but everything west of the Valley was all Galbadia's. Now it's Midgar's. But the Plains are a main hideout for anacondaurs. It's actually sort of weird that they come into the mountains and make an effort to get in the city."

Their stroll around the outer perimeter of the city took them into the Valley. It was boiling hot and the turf was dry and dusty. Leon was right at home and wasn't bothered by it very much. Irvine, on the other hand, was being human about the whole experience and sweating bullets. He didn't complain, though, and simply fanned his face with his hat on occasion and gave Leon quizzical looks. They didn't have much else to talk about and their shift was to last several hours still. On and on they walked, keeping an eye out for any movement. Patience started running thin when they saw nothing. But after almost three hours in the heat and almost a dozen bottles of water burned through, Leon got a whiff of something odd, and it wasn't just Irvine.

"There are people out here," he said, gently grabbing his companion's arm to stop him from walking. Irvine scowled and looked around.

"How can you tell?"

"You don't smell that?"

"…No."

"Never mind then. But I _know_ someone's out here," Leon insisted. The slight breeze that wafted through the canyon was enough to carry the faint scent of an excess of sweat to him. There was a group of people somewhere relatively nearby, and he sincerely hoped it was just travelers. A lump of ice in his gut told him otherwise.

Travelling for another quarter mile brought them to a bend in their path where there was the distinct smell of smoke. Around a rocky wall there was an opening to a cave where a large truck was parked off to the side. There was a campfire lit at the mouth of the cave in front of a few tents where several Midgar soldiers were sitting around chatting. They all seemed to be good buddies and carried on happily while sharing a meal and drinks. One of them had a few extra shiny charms hanging from the lapels of his jacket, signifying a higher rank, but he acted just like one of the guys. But in the back of the truck, there were several large cages that held a group of anacondaurs. Leon and Irvine were in shock.

The enormous spiky snakes noticed the pair hiding behind the rocks before the soldiers did. Almost all of them woke up once the wind blew in their direction and they sprung up and started looking around. They were all brown and coppery with shiny scales, some of which were as big as Leon's hand. They all had massive hoods behind their heads like a cobra with large protrusions jutting out from the folds. They were taller and thicker than any snake Leon could imagine; they resembled trees more than they did animals.

"We should leave," Irvine whispered behind Leon. The soldiers noticed the snakes stirring and making a commotion in their cages, hissing and spitting in the pair's direction.

"But they're the ones letting the snakes out into the city," Leon said. "Aren't we supposed to be stopping that?"

"We're not equipped for this shit. We're outnumbered and they have a fucking truck full of anacondaurs. We're going to die. Let's go back and get help first."

Leon nodded and they turned to leave. His brain was less concerned about the truck and the snakes than it was about the idea of stowing away and hitching a ride to Galbadia. Surely hanging around in the city for six months until Cloud made it over there was better than fighting him in the middle of a dirt field. With a new motorcycle and additional combat training, his Charge was not only going to be way faster than him, but could very well turn out to be stronger than him. He wasn't prepared to die that quickly.

"˧˔—!‹‹!" ( _Hey! Stop!_ ), one of the soldiers called out behind them. Both cadets glanced over their shoulders briefly before taking off down the path leading back towards the city. All was quiet for a while until they slowed some. Irvine was having a hard time keeping up, though Leon was pretty sure he was normal for what he was doing. They had gone a decent distance and it was about time his companion got winded.

"How are you not tired?" Irvine panted while feeling his side. He had a large pouch dangling off his hip opposite of his holster. The size of the firearm he carried was a bit excessive in the Carrier's opinion, but Leon was thankful it was with them right that second.

"Don't worry about it," Leon said, inching along the wall to look around the bend to see if they were followed. Hardly a minute later there was a deep rumble in the distance followed by a dust cloud. "We need to go," he said quickly. Irvine looked around the corner as well and coughed a bit.

"Okay. Where?" he asked.

"I have no idea, just keep going and we'll see if we can find something to hide in," the Carrier urged, shoving the other down the path. They started running again, with Irvine struggling to keep up with Leon's speed. The Carrier had to keep slowing down to stick with him while the rumbling grew closer and closer. Irvine had to stop again after another few minutes of sprinting. Leon couldn't see anywhere to hide. It was a rock wall on either side of them like a giant hallway with nowhere to go but back to the city or towards the rumbling.

The truck, coupled with two of the soldiers on Fenrirs rounded the corner and came barreling towards them. The motorcycles sped ahead of the truck and both of the men driving hit a switch that caused either side of the front carapace to pop open like a pair of drawers. Leon couldn't do much unless he was willing to run towards them, but Irvine was already poised for a shot before the Carrier could notice. There was a brief ' _click_ ' before a blast rung out from next to him, making Leon startle. Blood exploded from one of the biker's faces and the motorcycle he had controlled wobbled and sped out of control. It flipped backwards onto itself and skid across the dirt into the wall. The truck swerved to avoid the wreckage but no damage was done to it. Irvine didn't have time for another shot.

The remaining soldier on the Fenrir stuck his arm forward into the compartment he had opened and withdrew a weighted net. He sped past the cadets, flinging the net at them both on his way by. The bundle opened quickly and smacked into them both, pulling them backwards onto the dirt with the weight. Leon grabbed onto the mesh and tried to pull it apart quickly, but it didn't break. He couldn't get enough leverage to pull his obnoxious blade from his side either and he swore under his breath. The net was built for the anacondaurs the soldiers had gathered and there wasn't much he could do to get out of it. Given enough time, he probably could've done something useful, but the soldier that had thrown it was quick to circle back and start pulling it around them as if they were a couple of animals.

* * *

Reno was enjoying himself. He and Rude had become relatively comfortable around each other over the recent months and they spent a lot of time together. He was happy, overjoyed, even though he was dying to take everything one step further. But he forced himself to be patient. Love didn't happen overnight for most people, and trying to get a straight man to see him as more than a friend was probably going to take way longer than that. As a result, he was satisfied just being around his Charge and building his trust.

Scouting served several purposes for his boss. It was a way to gauge how people reacted to Midgar and subsequently the Mako reactors (which was usually very negatively), it was also a way to see what resources were available to exploit in new territory, but probably the most important thing was the gathering of intelligence. Very little was spoken of the internal affairs of Balamb's military but sometimes Reno and his comrades would come across a soldier in a bar they could booze up and get to talk. Even though the redhead technically worked for a Corporation, he was still an agent of the government in very loose terms. Rufus Shinra and Midgar's military worked too close together to be considered anything other than partners, so all the information Rufus had would only help strengthen his bond to the military.

Regardless of the intentions behind everything, Reno liked his job. He was provided with everything he could need, and he got to spend his time with Rude. It was a win-win in his mind. Most of the work they did outside of Rufus' immediate eyesight was people watching, which was pretty low stress versus what they could be doing otherwise. They got to travel and meet different people and learn other cultures which was pretty okay too. But when he and his Charge stumbled across a group of Balamb cadets in the town square, the opportunity to learn new information sidetracked them from just about everything else. Reno couldn't see Leon in the group and everyone there seemed to be somewhat worried. He had a bad feeling. He approached a woman that was dressed differently than the rest of them and had more shiny things attached to her. He assumed she was important.

"Excuse me?" he asked. Rude followed behind him silently. Quistis turned to him and raised a brow.

"Can I help you?" she asked impatiently. The cadets behind her were hurriedly talking amongst themselves.

"I'm looking for a guy named Squall. He's a little shorter than me, sort of angry, brown hair?" Reno asked. Quistis' face turned surprised.

"You know him? When was the last time you saw him?" she asked.

"Uh… Yesterday? He's a buddy of mine."

"So not today," Quistis concluded. She sighed and ran a hand over her hair. "He and another student of mine are missing. We're here on an assignment and they left for their shift but never came back."

"What kind of assignment?"

"Just making sure the anacondaur attacks stay minimal. Nothing extensive. They shouldn't have been gone this long," she said. It wasn't some huge covert military secret she was guarding. Pretty much anyone who paid attention would've known why they were there, but Reno was never one for paying attention. He had no idea where Leon was either and it was worrisome. Rude had no idea what was going on period. So he just hung around and looked important.

"Think they got lost?" Reno asked. Quistis shrugged.

"I have no idea. Do you have any way of contacting him?"

"Not really, no."

"Alright. Thank you. If anything changes before we see you again, I'll let you know. But we really need to regroup, so if you'll excuse us," she said and turned back to the group. Reno led Rude away from them and quickly explained what was going on.

"That guy that punched you?" he asked. The redhead nodded.

"We go _way_ back. Don't worry about that. But I want to find him and make sure he's okay."

"What did you have in mind?" Rude asked. Reno thought about it for a minute.

"You know that stupid computer thing I carry around with me all the time?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"My friend has one too. I want to get it. Maybe I can figure something out once I have it."

"Do you know where it is?"

"I bet it's in his hotel room. I know where he's staying. Come on," Reno said, taking off down the street towards the back gate of the city.

After twenty minutes of searching, the pair happened to find the hotel. The front desk was empty when they arrived, as it was getting late. There was a bell to ring to call someone out, but other than that and a few stragglers in the lobby, it was empty. Reno helped himself behind the desk and dug around until he found the sign-in book. He dropped it on the desktop and flipped through the pages until he found the rooms that the students occupied. There were no specific names to go by, but he had a general idea. He closed the book and put it back and headed for the stairs.

He pointed out which doors they needed to get into to Rude and they went in separate directions to scour the halls for a maid or someone who might have had a master key. Reno happened upon the hotel manager who was strolling around and he snuck up behind him. He took up the metal rod he had fastened to his hip.

"Sorry, dude," he said before he whacked the manager in the back of the neck. The man went down quickly and the Carrier pushed him around while sticking his hands in the man's pockets. He found a set of keys and took off like a rocket in the opposite direction just as another person came around the corner. He narrowly escaped the commotion and ducked around to find Rude before they went back to the first hallway. Reno flipped through the keys until he found one with ' _Master_ ' engraved on the front and started unlocking doors. The fourth one was Leon's. It smelled like him.

Rude closed the door behind them quietly and they started rifling through the brunette's things in order to find his computer. If nothing else, Reno felt he was protecting Leon's intentions by taking the computer with him. If someone found the device and asked questions, it may have created more problems for his friend than he needed. He found the computer and a box of camera bugs carefully tucked in the russet Carrier's luggage and hurried over to the door, heart racing. He stuck his ear against the wood.

"There're people out there. We can't leave this way," he whispered. Rude hurried over to one of the windows in the room and unlocked it. They were on the second floor, and a fall from that height probably wouldn't kill them, but it definitely wouldn't feel good. The Charge kicked the screen out of the window and was prepared to jump but Reno stopped him and shoved the computer and cameras in his hands. "Let me go first," he said and shoved himself out of the room. Landing on his feet with a loud ' _whud_ ' wasn't the best feeling in the world, but Reno knew his legs could take it better than Rude's could. He grunted and wobbled around trying to get his stability back before standing straight and holding his arms up to his Charge.

"Are you fucking nuts?" Rude barked at the redhead in a strained whisper.

"I can catch you, trust me," Reno said. Rude hesitated, looking behind himself at the room's door. "Come on!" the redhead urged. Rude shook his head with a grumble under his breath and braced himself in the window frame.

"I can land; get the hell out of the way."

"No, just do it!"

"I'm almost a hundred pounds heavier than you, idiot!"

"So?"

"You're fu—"

"Shut up and jump!" Reno grumped, snapping his fingers at him. Rude sighed and shook his head again before leaping out of the window. The redhead braced himself and caught his Charge bridal style, but just barely. The sudden shift in weight made him teeter in place before he flopped backwards onto his butt with Rude sitting on top of him. They both grunted loudly.

"I told you," Rude said flatly, standing up and pulling Reno to his feet with one hand.

"I don't see anything negative with this situation," the redhead said defiantly, giving Rude's hand a squeeze.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

Reno was worried sick. He waited up most of the night trying to weed through the information on Leon's computer. Watching a few of the videos of Cloud's life really hit home how stressful the entire ordeal had been for his friend. The redhead tried to put Rude in Cloud's place and imagine what it would be like, but his Charge was such a gentle soul he really couldn't imagine it. It was upsetting more than it was helpful and Reno quickly abandoned the footage in favor of wandering around the city and hoping someone heard something. By the time morning rolled around, he had collapsed on his bed in exhaustion only to be woken up around eight in the morning by his cell phone. The tiny device was wholly annoying but Rufus was the only one who ever called him.

"What can you tell me?" his boss asked impatiently. Reno sleepily scowled.

"Hnng? Uh…"

"Wake up, Reno."

"I'm attempting to. I had a long night."

"Oh good. Then you should have something for me."

"The only thing I know is there's a bunch of anacondaurs running loose around here and people are getting hurt," Reno mumbled, half his words muffled by his pillow.

"I know. That is expected."

"It's normal?"

"No. The military is doing it," Rufus said simply. Reno was awake in an instant and sat up.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"They're creating a need. The police in Dollet cannot handle that many snakes coming into the city. The idea is that Dollet would ask for assistance. Assistance from Midgar. But, they have yet to hear anything as far as I'm aware. It would be the most cost effective way of getting into the city, but the plan is weak at best."

"They called Balamb. There are students here fending them off. Or at least trying to find them and prevent them from getting in the city in the first place."

"How quaint."

"Yeah well, what happens if someone from Balamb figures out it's our fault?" Reno asked, running his fingers through his hair and pulling at a few knots with a wince.

"Who knows? That's up to the discretion of the military. They tend to keep the soldiers around if they can catch them alive. Which is what my prison is for, if you recall," the redhead's boss explained. Reno furrowed his brows in thought and started putting the pieces together.

"Can you do me a massive favor?" he asked.

"You have yet to provide me with anything useful."

"I told you about the Balamb cadets."

"That's nothing of worth."

"I've also only been here for like… three days. Give me a break."

"Fine. I'm not in the humor to argue," Rufus said. There was a soft squeak of a chair shifting and the man grunted a bit in pain. Reno frowned.

"You don't sound well."

"I haven't been well for many years. This is also useless information. What was the favor?"

"Just send me the names of any new prisoners that come in."

"For how long?"

"Now until… whenever. I'm looking for someone in particular."

"Is this person an informant?" Rufus asked, ever the businessman.

"I'm not really sure what to call him. He may know more than I'm aware of; he is a soldier. But I really doubt he'd talk to any of us. Even if we beat the holy hell out of him, he'd probably die hanging on to whatever he has. He's rather stubborn."

"What do you propose I do with him then?" the man asked. Reno had only a half-baked plan forming in his head. He really wasn't sure where he was going with the situation, but he needed an excuse for Rufus to keep Leon alive; if the prison was where Leon was going to end up. The redhead was willing to bet the brunette stumbled upon whatever Midgar was doing outside the city. Reno just hoped he wasn't signing his friend's life away. Then again, Rufus was giving him an open avenue for requests. Depending on how valuable the redhead could make Leon seem, Reno bet he could get just about anything out of his boss.

"Keep him around. He's looking for someone too. If you can find his someone for him, he'd probably be more willing to talk."

"You seem to know this man rather well."

"We have history."

"And you can assure me he's useful?"

"I never promise anything, but he is a soldier and has ties to people on the inside."

"That's not very reassuring; especially for what you're asking. Do you realize the amount of money it would take to find one person in this country amongst the billions?"

"I have a name. He's a soldier too. Shouldn't be too hard to find him that way. Granted, I'm not asking you to do anything if this guy I know doesn't wind up in your hands," Reno said.

"This will take time."

"If he winds up a prisoner, he has time."

"And if this whole ordeal backfires? What if Balamb retaliates?"

"The only soldiers in the area are the patrol officers and this random group of cadets. I have no indication otherwise that says they're prepared to strike back," Reno said. There was a long silence as Rufus carefully thought everything over. He eventually sighed.

"Don't waste my time, Reno."

"I'm not."

"You understand that there will be serious consequences if you waste my time and money on a wild goose chase."

"Yes."

"Fine. I'm willing to give you a chance," Rufus said. Reno let out a relieved sigh. "What are the names you need me to have?"

"The prisoner's name would be Squall Leonhart. The person he's looking for is Cloud Strife. I don't have a picture to send you but Squall is a Balamb cadet so he should be fairly easy to notice. Just let me know when he shows up and if you decide to go through with everything. I'd like to be there to help handle the situation if I could."

"You're asking a lot."

"I know I am. I appreciate the effort though. This has been something that's been bugging me for a while now," the redhead lied.

"I just hope, for your sake, that this is all worth it," Rufus warned and hung up abruptly. The Carrier closed his phone and let out a heavy sigh. He sincerely hoped he wouldn't regret what he was setting up. At least, if he was there, he could help keep control of the situation. He had no idea what the prison situation was like under Shinra's various headquarters' but he couldn't imagine that they would bring Cloud in to do much else but talk to Leon. In order to assure that Cloud was being contacted at some point, he would watch the blonde in his friend's stead. Hopefully by that point, when the two come together, Reno would have some idea as to how to keep them together in a somewhat peaceful manner.

"What is this guy to you?" Rude asked abruptly. Reno startled and looked over his shoulder at his Charge. He had completely forgotten the other was there even though they were staying in the same room together. Separate beds, to the redhead's dismay, but still together.

"Why? You jealous?" he twittered playfully. Rude scowled.

"No, I'm afraid you're going to get yourself killed. Rufus doesn't have tolerance for ignorant shit, Reno. I have a hard time believing you'd just let this guy get away if he was really that valuable. We had a chance to grab him when we first saw him, you know."

"…I know," Reno sighed. "He's my friend. I'm just trying to keep him safe and in one place so I can help him later. He's had a rough time so far."

"I feel like I'm missing something huge that's sitting right in front of me," Rude grumbled.

"How do you figure?"

"You two have the same computers, you both have history according to you, and you're sticking your neck out for him in a _very_ big way. But before this point, I had never heard of the guy before. Not only that, but you two were speaking the same gibberish a couple days ago. Don't think anyone didn't notice that," he said. Reno's heart stopped for a few seconds and his mind spun into a mild panic.

"I—we—I don't…"

"I'm your friend, but I really don't want to get in the crossfire of whatever you're starting for yourself," Rude said. Reno looked down at his hands, turning his phone around idly. The guilt started trickling in as he realized how much more involved the whole scenario was; it was much bigger than he had anticipated. He hadn't even realized how it could affect his Charge.

"Do you trust me?" he asked quietly.

"I'm leery at the moment, but yeah. I do."

"Then just trust me when I say that it'll all be worth it in the end. You'll understand more later, I'm sure. I just… need a little bit of time to put my mind together and find a way to explain it all to you."

"You're sure?"

"Yes," Reno said earnestly. Rude flexed his jaw a few times in quiet thought, staring at the redhead with an intimidating gaze. Reno looked away from him with a heavy sigh.

"Okay," the Charge said. "I trust you."

"Thank you," the redhead said with a wide smile.

* * *

Reno hadn't seen Cloud in several years. He expected the blonde to be different, but he hadn't expected the complete turnaround the Charge had done. The redhead could remember the little pink roly-poly baby that would waddle around and fart a lot. He could remember a kindhearted teenager. He could remember how much Leon would laugh and smile when he talked about him. Things had changed so drastically that even Reno felt a little depressed when he looked at Cloud now. Besides how much weight he had lost, the bruising on his arms, and the obvious collapsed veins he had acquired, the blonde wore his pain on his face very blatantly when no one was around. When he left his room, he put on a blank mask and watched everything around him in silence.

Cloud was learning how to drive. He listened closely to everything he was being told and took it very seriously. He understood that if he didn't, he could kill himself just by being stupid. Reno was inclined to agree with his standing. The redhead had never learned how to drive anything less complex than a helicopter, and even then, he had only done it twice. Rufus had made everyone take lessons but they've hardly utilized them since. However, Cloud was different. Within a couple days, he was confident enough to go in a straight line without toppling over and breaking his neck. The Fenrir he was gifted was quickly becoming his biggest avenue of distraction from the rest of his life.

Fusion Swords were a strange amalgamation of blades that fastened together to create one giant one that resembled a solid Buster Sword in shape and size. Reno was fascinated by them and the awful time Cloud was having with them. The blonde wasn't graceful with them in the least and fumbled around with the pieces trying to fit them together like the puzzle they were. He was making a bad habit of accidentally hitting the release that let the pieces come apart only to have them fall at his feet harmlessly. The Fusion Swords, though difficult when pieced together, were efficient when paired with the Fenrir. Each piece had a slot it was housed in within the front carapace of the bike. Cloud would be able to fling them around with ease while they were apart, and hopefully be able to put them back together again if he ever needed to dismount. But that would take time.

Reno kept an eye on the blonde, but his mind was with Leon. After almost a week of silence from the group of cadets in Dollet and from Rufus, he was at his limit. He was getting ready to leave the city all together and start looking for his friend himself. At that point, he was more concerned about taking them both home versus them and their Charges. He wasn't willing to sacrifice another precious piece of his world just so he could worry about Rude coming home with him. He felt it was selfish to think anything else. Of course, he would try his hardest to get all of them to go together but if it came down to the wire, he would make sure at least he and Leon got out. There was too much riding on them both to let either of them die. Reno liked to think Leon thought the same way, but he couldn't be sure.

When two weeks passed, the cadets left. They headed back to their school with downtrodden expressions and heavy hearts. The local authorities would make an effort to find Leon and Irvine, but there were no promises. It was an unfortunate circumstance of war. People could up and disappear out of one's life in a blink of an eye without any explanation. It was best to assume whoever left was gone for good. It was very much a 'sacrifice a few in favor of saving the whole' sort of situation. The students couldn't afford to get hung up on one misfortune and let that get in the way of becoming fully fledged soldiers to aid their country. But that didn't mean anyone was happier for it.

"What do you mean he's missing?" Rinoa squawked at Selphie when everyone returned from Dollet. The little brunette sniffled and looked down at the floor. She shuffled her feet a bit.

"He and Irvine have been gone for a couple weeks," she said, tears dropping off the end of her nose. "We don't know why. We tried to find them, but we ran out of time."

"Ran out of—that's bullshit! You know it is! Why didn't you insist on staying?" Rinoa yelled angrily. Selphie looked up again, sending the other girl a serious glare.

"Don't you think I tried? I lost someone here too, you know. If you think I didn't do everything I could to try and bring them back, then you better start running because I'm a step away from beating the ever living snot out of you."

"There had to have been something you all didn't try. There is no way he would just up and leave me here," Rinoa protested. Selphie scowled deeply, and expression that was completely unbefitting of her. She raised her hand and slapped Rinoa across the face as hard as she could.

"What is wrong with you? Something probably happened to them. Something _bad_ and all you can think about is how Squall left you here? Like he did it on purpose? What if he's dead?" she spat.

"He isn't!" the other cried, tears springing to her eyes.

"He might be! Don't be delusional! I may shit flowers and rainbows half the time but I'm not ignorant enough to think that we are in any other situation than _war_. People die and it sucks but you can't be selfish and think they did it because they have something against _you._ You're not that special! You're not important!" Selphie said. Rinoa furrowed her brows and looked away. A long silence passed between them.

"He's not dead. He's coming back," she said defiantly.

"It's okay to hope for it, but don't make this all about you," the brunette said, leaving the other girl standing in the hallway. Alone.

* * *

Reno had to leave Dollet after almost a month. He hadn't gathered much useful information for Rufus, but neither had his colleagues so he didn't worry about it. The anacondaur mating season ended and life in the little city returned to its perpetual state of shaken peacefulness. Reno didn't blame the people for being nervous. Midgar was practically on their doorstep. The redhead was growing more and more irritated with his boss the longer he didn't hear anything about Leon from him. Regardless, even if Rufus didn't say anything, Reno would be home again in a couple months and would be able to check the records himself. Being Rufus' bodyguard had its perks when he needed something from the people lower than him.

Another month passed where Reno spent most of his time wandering around Timber doing the same things he had been doing in Dollet. Talking to people, learning, understanding, watching, and waiting. There were very little incidents that raised attention in the town even though the people's dislike of Midgar was overly obvious. Every day there were peaceful protests and people speaking out against the few soldiers that would wander through. But there was never any violence. Reno was in admiration of the people's restraint.

'Restraint,' however, was not part of Sephiroth's vocabulary as the redhead soon discovered. Cloud was making a lot of progress with his new arrangements and he caught the General's eye on several occasions. Sephiroth would drag him along to go out with him and his buddies where there was a lot of drinking, a lot of Mako, and a lot of women. The blonde seemed relatively bored for a good portion of the excursions out, but after a couple weeks of repeated 'entertainment,' he started to fall in line with everyone else.

Women were tissues to him, just like they were to Sephiroth. The only difference between them was that the General didn't care where he was when he used them. In the middle of bars, up against building walls, in someone else's house, everywhere was fair game when Sephiroth decided he needed something. It all reminded Reno of the ghetto Cloud's mother had lived in. He could remember seeing women being raped in the middle of the street as if it was commonplace and how much it pained Leon to watch it all. He was sort of happy the brunette wasn't around during the current instances.

Cloud was slowly becoming part of that culture of abuse and barbarism, but he didn't take it to the levels Sephiroth did. Where the General liked to hear his partners scream and cry where everyone could see and hear, Cloud liked the quiet and kept his affairs behind closed doors. Reno also noticed that whenever a group would go out to a place where they were well received, Cloud would get picky about whom he took home with him. Strip clubs were usually the normal stomping ground (on base and off base) and the blonde would always watch the women go through their routines before picking. He also never took home a brunette. Reno couldn't remember what color Aerith's eyes were, but he was willing to bet that Cloud avoided that color too.

There was no active remorse on the blonde's end. He would go about his business, his training, his daily routine, using whatever woman he decided to, and that was it. There were very few periods where Reno saw Cloud being affected by what he was doing to himself. If he was still upset over Aerith, the redhead couldn't tell, but the subtle changes in behavior were hints of it at the very least. Reno only hoped that Cloud's actions wouldn't pin Leon against him. The russet Carrier's moral code was way too heavy for his own good.

"What are you worried about?" Rude asked one evening; a few days before they were supposed to leave Timber.

"A lot of things," Reno admitted.

"Are you ever going to tell me what they are? Or do I have to guess?"

"I wish I knew how."

"I wish you did too. You're distracted."

"Rufus hasn't told me anything."

"About your friend?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe you should put it behind you," the Charge said, plunking down next to Reno on his bed and patting his shoulder. The redhead sighed.

"I refuse to believe he's gone for good."

"I'm not sure what to tell you. It's the environment we live in; there isn't much we can do but work to change it. How can I help?"

 _Kiss me and tell me everything will be okay_ , the redhead said to himself. Rude sat up straighter and gave him a strange look.

"What?" he asked. Reno immediately slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Oh fuck, did I say that out loud?" he gasped.

"Uh… _yeah_."

"Okay! Good night. Time to sleep!" Reno blurted, his face bright red. He shoved at Rude to get him off his bed before he quickly threw himself under his covers and pulled them over his head. He attempted to bury himself under his pillows, wanting to die right there and escape the embarrassment. He whined to himself, berating his stupidity.

"Reno, it's seven o'clock."

"And we had a tough day today, didn't we? Aren't you tired?" Reno squeaked from under all the fabric. Rude rolled his eyes and grabbed a handful of blanket and ripped it off the bed in one strong pull. The redhead immediately retreated and launched himself into the bathroom on the other side of their hotel room. He slammed the door behind himself and pressed his back to it, slowly sliding down until he sat on the floor, feeling everything he had worked for start to crumble apart around him. Outside, Rude leaned against the door frame with a sigh.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. Reno was quiet for a few minutes, drawing tiny circles on the tile with a fingertip.

"Because I didn't want to ruin our friendship."

"Okay… it's still not ruined as far as I know. You don't have to freak out," Rude assured. Reno furrowed his brows, unbelieving. He took a bit to pull his courage together before he stood again and opened the door a crack and peeked out.

"You're sure?" he mumbled. Rude nodded. The redhead took a deep breath and sheepishly scooted out of the bathroom and sat on his bed again with his face in his hands. Rude stood a reasonable distance away with his arms crossed over his chest.

"How long have you felt that way?"

"…long time," the redhead muttered. Rude let out a long breath and ran a hand over his head. "I'm sorry. I'd understand if you wanted to hang around someone else," Reno added.

"I wish you would've told me sooner."

"What would it have changed?"

"Well it would have been a different dynamic had you been straightforward with me from the beginning. If you were like 'hi, I'm Reno. I have feelings for you' when we first met I would've just avoided you all together. But we're friends now and… I can't get angry at you for it."

"What does that mean?" Reno asked, pulling his legs up on the bed with him and folding them underneath himself. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times.

"It means nothing has changed. If it's been this way for a while, then why should anything be different?"

"So we just keep going like normal?"

"Yeah."

"But what if I don't want it to?"

"Did you want to switch rooms with someone?"

"No, I mean, what if I want… more?"

"I'm not gay, Reno."

"I know, but I've made everything weird and awkward. Even if you're willing to move forward like normal, I don't know if I can. It'd be like I'm being rejected every day," Reno admitted, picking at his blanket. Rude frowned.

"I'm not sure how to fix this."

"Me either, really. I wanted to tell you I just… didn't mean for it to be like this," the redhead said with a heavy sigh. "Sorry. Thanks for not freaking out and leaving me."

"I like you too much to leave you behind for something like this."

Reno smiled.

* * *

The next week, Cloud received a message. Reno's heart skipped a beat when the soldier relayed the words to the blonde. It gave the redhead a little beacon of hopefulness and helped ease some of the worry. Both soldiers standing in the doorway into Cloud's bedroom.

"You're going to Galbadia," the soldier said blandly. Cloud raised a brow.

"No shit. I knew that already."

"Don't get cute with me, Strife. I know you know, but what I'm saying is you're going to go there _soon_."

"Sephiroth thinks I'm ready?"

"No, _General Strahl_ ," the soldier said with irritation, pausing for emphasis. Cloud rolled his eyes. "Got word from Rufus Shinra that someone in his prison is asking for you. Apparently it's someone with info that could prove useful and they need _you_ to get it out of him."

"…Do I get a name? I don't know very many people outside this base," the blonde said confusedly.

"I wasn't told."

"And he asked for me specifically?"

"Yes."

"Has anyone seen Barret around? That's the only person I know that would have information we could use," the blonde noted. The other soldier shrugged.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm just the messenger. They could've written all this down and sent it to you but _someone_ here has a brick in his head and doesn't know how to read."

 _Aw, that was a low blow,_ Reno thought with a scowl. Cloud scowled as well.

"You're lucky I'm distracted with all this, otherwise I'd rip your throat out through your ass."

"I didn't realize you were into fisting. Gay," the soldier mocked. The blonde glared at the other.

"Watch it. I'm in no mood."

"So I hear. There are stories around the grounds saying you _can't_ get _in the mood_. Girls talk, Strife. According to them, you're inadeq—" the soldier was silenced when Cloud abruptly grabbed his hair and slammed his face into the door frame. There was a loud ' _pop_ ' followed by a splatter of red projecting in all directions. The soldier screamed and tried to pull away. Cloud helped him by pulling him back and flinging him to the floor by his hair. He stepped back into his room and closed the door quickly. The other started howling and whining to himself in the hall, but it was clear that Cloud was done caring.

 _Yeesh_ , Reno sighed. He was a little upset that Rufus hadn't bothered calling him even though he was obviously doing things according to the redhead's plan. He hoped he would hear word soon, but as the days dragged by and Cloud continued his training, Reno was getting more and more antsy. The blonde wasn't told when he was leaving, but Sephiroth was aware of it and urged Cloud's C.O. to push him past his limits in preparation.

"Got a plan as to how to go about this?" Sephiroth asked the blonde one evening. He, a group of his friends, a few other random soldiers, and Cloud had retreated into the city to drink.

"No idea. I don't even know who this guy is. I hope it's not just a waste of time; I'd be really pissed," Cloud said, swirling his glass around and watching the liquid slosh over the ice.

"Well you're obviously not versed in the ways of torture, then. This should be a no-brainer; just beat the hell out of him until he gives in. Anyone in this country that isn't in the military is soft. Anyone from outside this country is soft. Soft people break easy. Trust me. It's not that difficult."

"And what if he doesn't talk?"

"Well you don't just walk in there and start wailing on him. You threaten him, try to scare him, annoy him a little maybe, and then beat him. There's a process."

"I'm a little afraid to ask why you know all this."

"It comes with the job."

"You do realize that you're just an _awful_ person," Cloud said. Sephiroth snorted and laughed.

"Of course I do! I don't deny any of the things I've accomplished in this life. It's been short, but it's full already. Not sure what else I can do, so I may as well share what I know."

"Whatever you say," the blonde said, shaking his head a little. Sephiroth chuckled to himself and leaned back in his chair, looking over the other patrons of the bar.

"Anyone catch your eye?" he asked idly. Cloud looked the people over and shrugged.

"I'm not drunk enough to fuck any of the ugly cunts in here."

 _I've got a bar of soap for that mouth of yours, kid. Augh! Nasty language,_ Reno noted, wrinkling his nose. The rest of the night played out as it usually did. Women were taken home, women were screwed, and women were discarded. The redhead shook his head in shame. It was getting to the point where he couldn't tell the difference between Cloud's normalcy and Cloud's Mako fueled attitude. It didn't take much to send the blonde off down the wrong path anymore, and even less to make him violent. It was a sharp contrast to Rude, which the redhead was especially thankful for.

* * *

It was another couple weeks before Cloud's superiors started to seriously prepare him for leaving. The blonde's driving was fine. His new swordsmanship was a little shaky, but it was made clear to him that he wasn't going to Galbadia to kill anyone specific so the weaponry was a moot point for anything outside of self defense. The biggest lesson he was learning was how to hurt someone without killing them. So far Cloud could kill and maim. There was no middle ground there for any sort of constructive violence, so it had to be taught.

When it was time for Cloud to leave, Leon and Irvine had been missing for over three months. Reno still hadn't been contacted by Rufus, but he was heading back to the prison and sub-headquarters anyway so it didn't really matter in the end. Cloud was given an assortment of weapons to use if he decided to. One in particular made Reno's skin crawl. It was a metal rod much like the one he used, but it was faceted with two prongs on the end and emitted electricity. A cattle prod of sorts. To a human, it's more or less only painful to be shocked. For a Carrier, it could be deadly if prolonged enough. A quick zap was enough to spiral their hearts into uneven palpitations and mess with their Links, and Reno didn't want to think about what could happen if they were repeated.

Cloud made sure to pack everything with care. He made sure he had all of his personal effects, as he expected to stay in Galbadia instead of coming back to Midgar; even after everything with the prisoner was finished. He even took the time to say goodbye to Jessie. Reno hadn't realized the girl was there in the first place as the blonde hadn't had any contact with her since he found out about Aerith's passing. She seemed uneasy around him and made their parting awkward and brief. Cloud would never see her again. Shortly after that, he and his Fenrir were packed into a plane and flown to Galbadia.

The ride was far too long for Cloud's tastes. He spent most of the flight fiddling with the knife he had been given at the training camp. Flicking it open and closed idly while staring out the window wasn't exactly exciting, but it helped him think. He was a little nervous to be going somewhere new by himself. He had no idea what to expect in the other city and had never been outside Midgar territory before. Even with all his training, and his years spent under the military's thumb, the plane ride to Galbadia was the first time he ever felt he was genuinely part of the war. He wasn't happy with the feeling and everything that had transpired thus far, but he was resigned to it. He accepted it as his fate.

* * *

Leon was having a bad few months. After being held captive in a cage and driven across the desert for a few days, he and Irvine had been deposited in cells in Rufus Shinra's prison underneath the Mako reactor, as he expected. Once he knew he wasn't going to die right away, he went from terrified to sarcastic. It was just the icing on the cake for him. He was done. He didn't want to do anything anymore and hoped for freedom, but expected to die. Once inside his cell, that was all he could do. Hope. Accept. Reflect.

He decided his life sucked. It was mostly his own fault that it did, he knew, but it didn't change anything. He felt completely unfulfilled and instead of getting emotional about it, he just sighed and shook his head in disappointment. That was all he could muster up. The overwhelming feeling of emptiness was taking up all the space for genuine emotion and left his burnt out husk of a body behind. He didn't care anymore.

His cell was tiny and contained a bed and a toilet. His meals were shoved through a slot in the solid metal door and he ate them sparingly. Everything he ate made him sick in some manner and more often than not, he would end up in bed sleeping it off. He was thankful for his uncanny ability to take a nap whenever he felt like it. Even if it was a rough one, it was still a nap, and they let the days blend together as he drifted around in nothingness.

He didn't know why he was there other than the fact that he was on the other side. He had assumed he would've been dead already had it been that simple. He didn't think he was of any use, but remembered when Sephiroth had explained to Cloud why Shinra liked to put things in prisons. He was collateral. Insurance that helped stave off a Balamb bombing or missile attack. His mild usefulness was amusing, but it stopped there. The rest of it was a mystery. He hoped they thought Irvine was just as useful; he hadn't seen the other cadet in weeks and was given no explanation for anything. He didn't attempt to talk to anyone, but even then, the only person he knew of was whoever slid the plates under his door and took them away afterward.

Four months of captivity didn't sound like a long time in the grand scheme of things. There were more worthy criminals out there serving much longer sentences, but for an innocent party, four months seemed like decades; especially so when the entirety of the time was spent in solitary confinement. He _ached_ for someone to talk to, for something new to look at, for something to occupy his time other than sleeping and thinking. His thoughts were poison and he drank it every waking moment, letting his emptiness coagulate into a lump in his chest.

Everything changed when his door opened for the first time in months. It startled him to the point where he flailed a bit and flung himself into a sitting position. His throat ran dry, his mind started racing, and his pulse thundered against his throat when he recognized who it was that was joining him in his dinky little hole in the wall. He forgot how to speak, he forgot how to hate him, he forgot just about everything important he told himself to remember and just _stared_ , open mouthed and pale.

Cloud closed the door behind himself loudly and the lock clicked from the outside. He was carrying a metal rod in one hand and his eyes were on _fire_. A trickle of blood had seeped out of his arm where his needle had been just a few minutes before. It had dried in place and told Leon that he was severely fucked if he did anything stupid. Not only that, but he hadn't realized Cloud was taller than he was. Not by much, and he was willing to bet it was because of the blonde's thick boots, but it was still just enough to be unfair and add to the intimidation. The blonde seemed impatient and leaned against the wall opposite of Leon's bed with a scowl. He clicked the metal rod against the wall a few times.

"You called?"


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

_I don't know what to say to him_.

Needless to say, Leon hadn't been expecting any visitors, let alone Cloud. There was very little he could think about other than his complete and utter lack of things to say. Out of the corner of his eye he saw movement and glanced at the slot in his door. A tiny camera bug scooted its way through the space and skittered up the wall to take roost in one of the upper corners. Leon was just as confused with it as he was with his Charge but after a minute of thinking (as foggy as it was), he could sort of understand what was happening.

_Reno. If this turns out well… I'll… I'll have to bend over for him or something. This is way too surreal._

"Are you going to say anything or do you not understand me?" Cloud asked impatiently. Leon blinked a few times.

"Uh… yeah. I understand," he said stupidly.

"Good. Tell me what you know and I can leave."

"…What am I supposed to know?" Leon asked. The blonde raised a brow.

"You don't know anything?"

"I know a lot about a lot of things but I don't have some covert military secrets that I'm not supposed to talk about. I'm a student. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to tell you," he said. Cloud flexed his jaw a few times, thinking. He turned to the door and tapped the rod on it. The lock clicked again and the door opened just enough for Cloud to stick his face out into the hall.

"Why the fuck am I here?" he asked grumpily.

"Rufus says he knows something; I have no idea otherwise," someone else said. The voice was deep and rumbling. Leon didn't know who it was. Cloud glanced at the Carrier again.

"He looks like a fucking woman; do you really think a priss like this knows anything useful?" the blonde asked.

"Hey, I'm sitting right here," Leon said with a frown.

"I'm just following orders," the other in the hall said. Cloud sighed and closed the door again and went back to leaning against the wall.

"Tell me something so I can get back to doing something less stupid."

"Uh, well…" Leon trailed, thinking. The most of what he knew were things pertaining to his home plane and Cloud. He didn't want the blonde to leave, lose interest, and then not come back so he needed something to keep his attention. There was only one thing he could really come up with. "Aerith," he said hesitantly.

"What?" Cloud asked confusedly. His expression went from annoyance, to mild shock, and then back to annoyance. "You knew her?"

"Not exactly. But I know you carry a picture of her around with you," Leon said. Cloud stood a little straighter and his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"How—"

"That's not really important right now. Don't worry about the 'how' since I really want you to consider the 'why.'"

"So then tell me. Why did you ask for me? Why are you here? Why do you concern yourself with Aerith?"

"I don't concern myself with her."

"Then why did you bring her up?"

"To get your attention."

"You've had it since I came in," the blonde said flatly. Leon shrugged.

"Prolonged interest, then."

"Fine. I'm interested. Tell me something to keep it that way."

The Carrier took a few minutes to consider how much he should really say. He still didn't have a plan of action, and the suddenness of the situation wasn't ideal. He was scared of saying too much and scaring Cloud off, but he was also afraid of not saying enough to keep him around. There were tons of things to say to shock him, but Leon was hesitant. Too much shock could make the situation go anywhere and hardly any of it sounded good. But he had to try _something._ It just wasn't good that he was a terrible liar.

"I can fill in the gaps in your life," he said, choosing honesty. Cloud furrowed his brows.

"Gaps?"

"Yes. You don't have things you wish you knew?"

"Knew about what exactly?"

"Anything. Things about yourself, things about the people around you, maybe even learning things you never had a chance to learn?"

"I'm not sure I understand what you're telling me. Are you offering to teach me things? Or are you telling me you know a lot about me?"

"Both."

"What the hell could you possibly tell me about myself that I don't already know? You've known me all of six minutes."

"Six minutes to you is years to me. I know you well enough to know that you have a birthmark on your left testicle," Leon blurted and immediately regretted it. Cloud just _stared_ at him. Silent. Unfeeling.

"Excuse me?" he asked blandly. Leon shrugged nonchalantly, refusing to let the other realize how rattled he was. He was waiting for the blonde to get angry and retaliate, but the lack of expression was perhaps even scarier.

"It's true. You know it is," he said. His palms started to sweat.

"Yeah. It is. I'm… disturbed."

"But you're listening now, which was the point."

"Yeah. I am. I'm also debating on how hard to beat your face in."

"But I'm supposed to tell you things. How can I tell you if my face is smashed?" Leon asked, gripping his pant leg to keep his fingers from shaking. Cloud wasn't amused and glared at him, running his thumb over a treaded ring near the base of his metal rod. It was a switch and the prongs at the end crackled with frightening electricity. Leon hadn't anticipated it, and his mind flew into a panic quickly. "Wait," he said, holding up his hands defensively.

"I don't see why I should. Freaks like you shouldn't exist. You've obviously been stalking me or something; watching me shower or whatever it is that gets you off. Why the fuck should I give a damn about you?"

"You don't have to, but let me explain. It was never my intention to—"

"Fuck your intentions! What intentions could you possibly have for getting _that_ close to me? How the hell did you even do it? Can you slip between floorboards like fog? Are you some sort of mutant that can see through walls? I'm really fucking curious because I've never seen you in my life! You could've had the intention of giving me a bag of money and it still wouldn't make me feel good about this."

"You're totally right—" Leon said as Cloud lifted his arm in preparation to bring the rod down on him. "Wait! Wait! Hang on!" the Carrier amended, slouching lower against his bed. The blonde's patience had run out and he swung at the brunette. Leon flattened himself against his bed and the rod clanked against the wall. He quickly reached up and grabbed Cloud's forearm. "I said 'wait' damnit!"

"Let go," Cloud spat and tried to pull his arm back. Leon didn't let go and held him in place. The blonde pulled back harder and ended up yanking the Carrier out of the bed with him. Leon kept his footing and brought his free hand up to grab the blonde's wrist.

"Just fucking listen to me for a second!"

"I've heard enough," Cloud growled. Leon was bent awkwardly under the blonde's arm and couldn't move anywhere without losing his balance. Cloud pulled his arm to the side and tugged Leon with it. The Carrier lurched forward with him and was able to stand straight again. He lifted a foot and pressed his shoe into the blonde's gut and shoved him back. He was hoping only the end of the rod was electrified and not the rest of it. Clouds hold on it faltered and Leon was able to pull the weapon out of his hand by grabbing the middle of it. He was extremely happy he wasn't shocked and shoved the rod through the slot in his door and let it clatter into the hallway.

His distraction allowed Cloud enough time to retaliate and when he turned to the blonde again, he found the other practically standing on top of him. The Charge grabbed his jaw in one hand and shoved him against the door, smacking his head against it and making Leon see stars. The Carrier immediately tried to pull the hand off his face but couldn't get his Charge to budge. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt the blonde. He was frantically trying to think of ways to get away without causing any damage, but couldn't think fast enough.

Cloud was breathing way too fast to be normal. His palm was covering the Carrier's mouth while his fingers and thumb held him in place, but even through his own panicked panting, Leon could tell something wasn't okay. Either the blonde didn't notice, or didn't care, because he stuck his free hand in his pocket and brought his knife into Leon's line of sight. The Carrier's eyes went wide he tried to wrench away with no avail. The blonde clicked the blade up and pressed the tip into Leon's forehead and dragged it across his face between his eyes. Leon's scream was caught in his throat as the slash burned across his face. Blood poured down his face and over Cloud's hand just enough to coat his fingers before the blonde tossed him aside.

Leon held his face in his hands as a hoarse wail stopped right before his vocal cords as he forced himself not to scream. The pain was immense and the blood loss was a serious cause for worry, but Cloud became his main focus when the blonde's legs buckled underneath himself and he had to drop the knife to hold himself upright. A bright streak of blood slid down the door as he dragged his hand down it's surface and slowly lowered himself to his knees, his breath coming in great heaves as his heartbeat started spiraling out of control. Leon's vision was starting to blur and his hands were shaking but he scooted closer to the blonde and reached a hand in front of him to press his fingers into Cloud's pulse to get an understanding. The blonde immediately shoved him away.

"Don't f-fucking touch m-me," he stammered and pushed himself backwards to sit, holding his chest. The Carrier's heart broke a little but he understood the animosity. They weren't off to the greatest start. Cloud was pale, sweating, and his eyes were losing focus. Leon wasn't doing well either, but at least he knew he could breath for the moment. He banged on his door a bit, hoping to get someone's attention. When he didn't get someone immediately, he turned his attention back to Cloud. The blonde was fading quickly and lowered himself to the floor. Leon dizzily scooted towards him and felt his pulse again. It was weak and Cloud wasn't awake enough to slap him away again. The Carrier tapped his face.

"Cloud. Hey," he said weakly. He shook him a little and pushed his face around, hoping for a response. He vaguely noticed the droplets of blood landing on the Charge's arm, but couldn't process that they were coming from his face. He was more concerned about waking the blonde up but he was so tired all of a sudden and could hardly keep his eyes open. There was a bang on the door that he sort of registered, but was unconscious by the time a pair of hands pulled him backwards.

* * *

The first order of business for Reno was to make sure Leon was going to be okay. He had been watching while the entire confrontation unfolded and hurried down to his friend's cell as quickly as he could when it became violent. The guilt he felt was suffocating. He blamed himself for everything so far, but tried to push it aside and take care of Leon as much as he could. He was limited on what he could bring with him down into the cell as he needed to keep it all hidden. If anyone noticed him helping, he could be in heaps of trouble. All he could do was clean up and bandage Leon as best he could. Rude carried Cloud away to get treatment.

After laying Leon down in his bed again, Reno tried to wipe up as much blood as he could before he hurried away and made his way up to the infirmary where Cloud was. The redhead was thankful for his Charge's help and was even happier that he didn't ask any questions. The doctors that worked in the prison were some of the best Midgar had to offer even if the standard of medical care wasn't the highest in Reno's opinion. Rufus Shinra needed his own medical team around him constantly so he kept them close. Whoever was in the prison that would receive treatment was in good hands.

"Mako overdose," a nurse explained when Reno asked how Cloud was. "He couldn't remember when he last took some so the dose we gave him was half of what was normal for him, but it was still more than he needed. His heart couldn't take it, but the damage was minimal. He'll be alright in a few days. We'll keep him off it for a week and let him readjust."

"Thanks," Reno said and bid his farewells. Though he blamed himself, he was furious at Cloud. He didn't want to stick around and offer the blonde his assistance any more than he felt he had to. He was doing it for Leon, though so far, his help was more detrimental than it was good.

"Well?" Rude asked when Reno returned to their living area. They had what was equal to a tiny apartment together down the hall from Rufus' living quarters. Tseng and their other partner, Elena, had one on the opposite end.

"I hope Squall will be okay. I know Cloud will be," the redhead muttered, pulling the bloodied rag out of his jacket pocket and tossing it in his laundry bin with a heavy sigh. He sat on the tiny sofa in the main room and rubbed his forehead.

"That's good then," Rude said, sitting next to him. Reno felt awful and wanted nothing more than to smash his face in his Charge's shoulder and cry his eyes out. But his pride and common sense got in the way, leaving him in his place while he stewed in his guilt.

"This was a mistake."

"I don't understand what's going on so I can't agree or disagree."

"I wish I could explain it to you."

"I wish you could too," Rude sighed. Reno got up and headed into their little kitchenette to wash his hands. He scrubbed and scrubbed but a tiny line of red wouldn't get out from under his fingernails. Frustrated, he washed for so long, his skin turned raw. It eventually started to hurt and he had to force himself to stop. Rude leaned against the cabinet next to him and watched the scene with a frown. Reno glanced at him briefly.

"What?" he asked, reaching for a towel. He dried his hands gently and looked them over with a scowl.

"I want you to try."

"Try?"

"Try and explain."

"I can't."

"Can't? Or won't?"

"Can't."

"Do you not trust me?" Rude asked.

"No, I do. I just…" the redhead trailed, thinking it over. It was obvious that Plane 087 was dying. Reno wasn't completely confident he could convince Rude to follow him over to his home plane just yet but even if he blew the whistle on why he and Leon were there in the first place, it wouldn't matter. Even if Midgar or Balamb tried to emulate what the people were doing back home, it wouldn't make a difference in the ultimate eventuality. Only if the war stopped would things begin to heal. If that doesn't happen, then whatever Reno and Leon did wasn't enough to help or hurt.

"I'm sorry I asked, then. You don't need to trust me," Rude said when Reno hesitated too long. The redhead shook his head a bit.

"Stop it. I trust you. But I'm nervous. I want to tell you, but I've already done enough damage to our friendship. I don't want to give you any more reasons to dislike me."

"I don't dislike you. Why would I do that? Because you're gay?"

"Gay for _you_ ," Reno muttered. Rude shifted his weight uncomfortably.

"Whatever. You know what I mean. I don't dislike you for it."

"I just don't want to take that chance."

"It hurts more when you hide things from me. If that's what you're worried about," the Charge said. The Carrier sighed and pushed his brows together sadly.

"Don't tell me that," he whined. Rude shrugged and left him standing in the kitchenette. They had separate bedrooms in their living quarters and his Charge ducked into his own and closed the door quietly behind himself. Reno's chest hurt and he could feel his heart crinkle up into a little ball. He gave in quickly and went to knock on Rude's door.

"What?" his Charge asked. Reno winced at his tone.

"Okay. I'll tell you as much as I can," he murmured. Rude raised a brow, but stepped aside and let the redhead into his room.

"I'm listening."

"Well first off, Squall's name isn't 'Squall' it's 'Leon.' And he and I aren't from here."

"From Midgar?"

"No, from this… world. At all," Reno said hesitantly. Rude furrowed his brows together but the redhead kept going before he could protest. "We have something very important that we need to do back home and we came here looking for people to help us with it. Leon picked Cloud and I… picked you. Obviously we're having an easier time getting along than they are, but we both need you two just as much. There's a whole lot more to it than what I'm saying, but the basic idea is all I can think to get across without confusing you."

"I'm already confused."

"I know. I'm sorry. Leon and I can't stay here forever, and the plan was to make a connection with the people we picked so that you'd be willing to follow us and help us. I've known you for _years_ and you had no idea. I knew who you were before you did and when I say I've had feelings for you for a long time… I really mean a _long time_. You are the most important person in my life whether you know it or not and… I blew it because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut," Reno explained, crossing his arms over his chest and hunching his shoulders. He kept his eyes to the floor. "Even if you don't want to leave with me, I want to try my hardest to help Leon so that the last twenty years weren't a complete waste."

"Twenty years? How old are you again?"

"I told you I'm twenty-five. Well… I was when I got here. In reality, I'm in my forties," Reno said. Rude stared at him in shock. "But before you freak out on me, I really should say that age doesn't matter where I come from. So long as I take care of myself, I'll live longer than dirt so… I may have been around for that long, but my body isn't going to age even if I make it to eight hundred."

"…I don't believe you."

"I don't expect you to. We're not nearly to the point where I would've liked us to be for all of this."

"So… what? Were you trying to get us to… date or something before you explained?" Rude asked uneasily. Reno's cheeks turned pink and it stared at the floor.

"That was wishful thinking on my part, but so long as you came with me, then I would've been satisfied. I'd worry about what I was going to do with myself later. My purpose comes first and so long as you're happy following me, then there isn't much more I can ask. I never had the intention of forcing you to do something you didn't want to do. Like I said before, I'd understand if you wanted to hang around someone else. I couldn't imagine being in your shoes."

"…You're serious."

"Yes," the redhead said. Rude went to sit on the corner of his bed and ran a hand over his head. "Even if you decide to stay here, I need to make sure Leon is okay. If it gets to be too much, then I'm pulling both of us out of here. Our purpose back home is bigger than anything you can imagine."

"So you'd just… leave? You wouldn't come back for me eventually?"

"I only get one shot at this. So no. I couldn't come back. It would hurt and I'd… probably never get over it, but this whole thing is way more important than my happiness; as twisted as that sounds, it's true. I can't afford to be delusional and think otherwise."

"Would I be able to come back?"

"No. That's why I was hoping we'd be much closer before we left so you felt like you could depend on me if you needed something. I'm not here to ruin your life or make it more difficult. The goal was to take you with me, away from the war, and give you the opportunity to do something with your life that would benefit an entire world in the end. Yours isn't going to last very long," Reno said. Rude rubbed his face tiredly.

"I can't even wrap my head around this. I'm still stuck on your age."

"I'm sorry. I'd understand if you—"

"Stop saying that. You've done nothing to hurt me so quit talking like you have. You've just done a really good job of confusing me. I need some time to think about all of this. I'll decide what I should do once I get my thoughts in order," the Charge said. Reno nodded and shuffled towards the door. "Reno."

"Hm?"

"You're not making this up, right? I really don't want to believe you'd lie to me."

"The only thing I've lied to you about is my age. Everything else is genuine. I promise."

"Okay. Let me think. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay," the redhead said, ducking out of the room quietly. His heart felt like it was going to burst from his chest with anxiety and he made his way into his own bedroom and locked himself in. He threw himself on his bed and buried his face in his pillow, willing the nervousness to go away. He didn't feel like Rude was going to ever believe him or follow him. He knew he had ruined his chance. It was way too soon to say so much and whatever future he had hoped for was gone. He was done. His only choice now was to help Leon as much as he could so at least one of them could make some progress.

* * *

Cloud felt like absolute garbage. The lights in his room in the infirmary were way too bright and his head hurt way too much. He immediately closed them again and tried to roll over. He found he hardly had the strength to lift his arm. His mind instantly asked for more Mako so he could function somewhat normally. The desire only made his headache worse. He tried opening his eyes again and moving some, but only succeeded in alerting his nurse and she came to his side.

"Congratulations. You're alive," she said blandly with a small smirk. She blurred in an out of focus. "You've been out for a few hours. You tried to wake up a few times already but it didn't work out very well, so we kept you sedated. Can you move?"

"Tired," Cloud breathed. She gave him a very sarcastic sympathetic smile.

"I bet."

She left him there. The lack of bedside manner was normal, but didn't help him very much. He had wanted her to stay so he could ask her what the hell happened to him. Judging by how much everything hurt, he felt he had been run over by a train. The last thing he could remember clearly was arriving in Galbadia and unpacking his things. The rest of it up until that point was a hazy fog that drifted out of his ears. He hated not remembering things. He couldn't even remember what day it was. Having to be reminded of so many simple things every other hour was embarrassing as much as it was discouraging.

He drifted for a while. For how long, he couldn't say. His nurse was nice enough to give him some water and move his bed so he could sit up, but she was fairly useless otherwise. She refused to give him any Mako, and had he had the strength, he would've smacked her for it. The sun went up and the sun went down and even after doing that a few times, she still refused. As time ticked by, he could eventually move enough to sit up on his own, even if the action left him breathless and made him want to vomit.

"Mr. Shinra says for you to go back downstairs when you can move on your own," the nurse explained.

"Downstairs?" Cloud asked.

"To your prisoner?"

"Pris—Oh, right. I forgot about him," the blonde said, rubbing his forehead. He had apparently went to see the man who had called him there. He didn't doubt it, but he couldn't remember it. The only thing he could remember was his instructions and blood. The blood was nothing new, so he pushed it aside and figured it was his brain rattling around and recalling things from months ago. He focused on his instructions and hobbled his way out of the infirmary towards the elevator. He could sort of remember what cell it was. The guard that led him down the hall did, though, so he decided to forget about it.

By the time he got to the cell, he felt like he had run a marathon. Withdrawal was the worst possible feeling. Having to go interrogate someone even though he was in no condition to do so only reminded him how much he hated his life. He didn't see a way out of it though. He had accepted his situation and was just going with the motions until he died. He sort of wished whatever had happened to him that made him go to the infirmary had killed him. At least then the pain would stop and he could sleep for a while.

His prisoner looked to be in just about the same condition. Leon hardly reacted when Cloud came in again and remained in place on his stomach, on his bed. The Carrier was pale, sweaty, thin, and his face hurt to move. He was overly warm and didn't doubt that he had a fever; most likely from an infection stewing in his new facial feature. He _really_ needed new bandages. Despite the negativity so far, Leon couldn't bring himself to get angry at his Charge. In fact, he was relieved the blonde was okay, even if he looked like shit.

"Oh good," he mumbled against his pillow. Cloud raised a brow.

"Good?"

"You're not dead."

"…Yay? The fuck happened to your face?" the blonde asked. He leaned against the wall and used it as a brace so he could sit on the floor. Leon didn't show any outward reaction to the question, but was relieved Cloud couldn't remember.

"Nothing important. I tried to make a break for it and the guards caught me and… yeah. Whatever. It doesn't matter."

"Well that was stupid. Why did you think you could get away?"

"I didn't. I just needed something to break up the monotony. Silly me," Leon said flatly. Cloud shook his head a bit.

"Whatever you say. Just tell me something so I can go back to bed."

"They woke you up so you could come back down here?"

"They told me to come down here as soon as I could move by myself."

"That sucks. Sorry. I don't have much to talk about other than what I know about you," the Carrier said. The blonde was trying his hardest to remember what happened the last time they saw one another. Aside from remembering that Leon existed, there wasn't much to go by. But he didn't want the brunette to realize his lapses.

"So go ahead. Amaze me," he said, rubbing an eye.

"Have you ever been curious about your parents?" Leon asked. Another camera bug scooted into the room and resumed its place by the ceiling. Reno was paying close attention again.

"Not really," Cloud deadpanned. Leon ignored the attempt to end the conversation and folded his arms under his head.

"They were good people."

"Wonderful."

"Your father especially."

"Was he a soldier?"

"Yes, actually."

"Was he married to my mother?"

"…No."

"Then I don't give a damn."

"I'm not sure I understand. Why would that matter?"

"Because I don't want to know if my mother was some random whore he took advantage of. If they were married, it would imply they actually gave a shit about one another and may have been somewhat normal."

"You don't have to get married to be dedicated."

"You do where I come from," Cloud said. So far, he didn't believe Leon at all. He was hoping to weed through the arbitrary things until the Carrier decided to talk about the important ones. Leon frowned and shakily pushed himself up to a sitting position. The entire front of his bandage was a deep red and Cloud raised a brow at it but didn't say anything.

"I don't know what else to say," the Carrier admitted. He decided to steer clear of any Aerith discussions. He was quickly running out of ammunition otherwise. Cloud wasn't pushing for much and looked like he was about to fall asleep.

"Why did you ask for me?" he asked sleepily.

"Because I need you."

"For what?"

"Well… I'm not sure how much I should tell you yet. You obviously have no interest in me other than whatever your superiors are telling you to have. I have lots to say and talk to you about, but I don't have much that will help you get them off your back. Sorry. But I need you to stick with me for a bit until I can get you to understand."

"I'm not allowed to leave here until you tell me something they can use."

"Then I guess we're roommates."

"Not funny," Cloud faded. His eyes drooped closed for a second before he forced them open again. He felt like a puddle of jelly. Leon scooted off his bed to the floor and sat across from him.

"If you can get yourself up, you can have my bed."

"Fuck off."

"Yeah, I don't blame you for the hostility. But if I was waiting for you to fall asleep so I could kill you or something, I wouldn't give you my bed first. I'd just wait. It's a lot less effort on my part," Leon said, slouching against the bed and folding his hands over his stomach. He was extremely tired himself, but he had been sleeping so much already that he couldn't make himself do it anymore. He was slowly getting sick from his infection and lack of sufficient food. He was hoping to make a connection of some sort before he died, but he wasn't holding his breath. But he refused to give Cloud a reason for getting angry at him again. If he was to die there, he wanted to not be hated.

First impressions were a myth. All Leon had to do was wait for Cloud to forget the first time and then he could try again and get a more positive result. So far, though not perfect, he was much happier with this meeting than he was with the first one. It almost felt like his Charge was compensating for his complete lack of social skills without knowing it. It was a thought that made the Carrier smile a bit on the inside. He ran out of things to talk about, though. They sat together quietly while Cloud tried with every ounce of energy to stay awake. But after twenty minutes of silence, his body gave in and he was asleep.

Leon waited for a bit to make sure the blonde was truly out. He knew he didn't have the strength to lift him and plop him in the bed, but he at least wanted to lay him down so he could be somewhat comfortable. He was about to reach for his pillow when there was a light knock on the door. It opened a bit and Reno peeked inside. The brunette let out a sigh.

"What are you doing here?" he whispered. Reno frowned but came into the cell and closed the door behind himself.

"Attempting to help," he said quietly. He had an armful of fabric and set it on the bed before he pulled out a rag, some more bandages, and a bottle of disinfectant from his jacket pocket. "You smell, by the way."

"Good. I would hope so. I haven't been able to shower in… weeks," Leon muttered. Reno stooped and scooped Cloud up and set him on the bed.

"It's pretty ripe, I must say," the redhead said, taking a seat in front of his friend. Leon shrugged.

"How did you set all this up?" he asked.

"Pulled some strings. I feel awful about what's happened though. I really didn't think he would go off the deep end so quickly."

"I wouldn't have expected you to know. I think I'm one of the few people who actually understands him to a certain degree."

"I'm really really sorry th—"

"Don't be. You've done me an enormous favor. I can't even begin to pay you back," Leon said. Reno frowned and took up the rag and disinfectant.

"I disagree, but I can't argue with you. I need to clean you up," he said. The brunette started feeling around his bandages for a way to unravel them. Reno ended up helping him and doing most of the work. After a bit of pained hissing and a few tugs, the cloth came free of the weak scabbing and Reno nearly broke apart with the guilt when he saw the damage.

"Is it really that bad?" Leon asked weakly. The redhead forced himself to look away and focus on the cleanup.

"It's not pretty," he said in monotone. He doused the rag in the disinfectant and started dabbing at the wound as gently as he could. Leon had to bite a finger to keep himself quiet so he didn't wake Cloud up. He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, and he wanted to crawl under a rock and never come out. He started pulling away in reflex and Reno had to hold his face in place to get everything clean.

"How're things with you and Rude?" the brunette asked when the brunt of the pain was finished. Reno sighed.

"I'd rather not talk about it. He's right outside. I will say that he knows, though. About us."

"You told him?"

"…Yeah."

"I'm not sure how I feel about that."

"It's okay. It has nothing to do with you, really. I just… I don't think we'll get much farther than we already have. I… I blew it."

"Cloud and I aren't exactly having babies together, either, and even I'm not that negative. What happened to you? You used to be the positive one in this friendship," Leon asked. Reno started rewrapping the brunette's wound with a scowl.

"I got a reality check," he said. "Now I'm just trying to figure out a way to get us out of here alive."

"What do you mean?"

"Once they figure out you're not as informed as I made you out to be, they'll most likely try to kill you off, even if they do it by starving you. They'll probably try to come after me too since I lied to them. If that happens, regardless of what stage we're at with Rude and Cloud, I'm pulling us out. I refuse to let us go down like that."

"I'm not leaving without Cloud."

"Leon, I understand that feeling, but you have to be realistic."

"No, _you_ have to readjust your attitude. I don't blame you for what's happening to me, but you've done me a serious favor and I intend to take full advantage of it. If you pull me out of here before I've had a chance to make any progress, then it _will_ be your fault and I _will_ blame you. I don't want to do that. If I die here, then I die here. The Technicians have my DNA. They can clone me if they're that concerned about it. What's another twenty years of waiting when your Totem has no family riding on your existence? I can understand if you have to leave because you have people back home that you need to get back to, but I don't have that luxury. Cloud is all I have. I _can't_ leave him here."

"Leon…"

"Thank you for helping me. I can take it from here. You should leave before you're caught," the brunette said. "I'll see you again soon, hopefully."


	36. Chapter 36

**Chapter 36**

Leon had honestly thought Cloud would sleep for only an hour, maybe two. He couldn't have been more wrong. The blob of fabric Reno had brought with him the previous evening was a change of clothes; a white t-shirt and a pair of black pants. The Carrier ended up balling his old clothing up on the floor and using it as a pillow while his Charge snoozed away comfortably. Leon didn't mind at first. He could sleep just about anywhere, but after almost a full day on the floor, his joints were screaming.

He was trying to be patient. He didn't understand the full extent of Cloud's withdrawal so he couldn't get angry or annoyed because it wasn't the blonde's fault in the first place. In an effort to learn more, Leon observed closely. He noticed a pattern in the blonde's breathing that wasn't quite right. He would breathe in, there would be a slight hitch, and then he would breathe out normally. The Carrier eventually got too curious and scooted a bit closer, hoping and praying that Cloud didn't wake up. He laid his face on his Charge's chest, listening to his heart closely. In between the beats, there was a barely audible ' _whoosh_ ' sound. The Carrier doubted he could've heard it if he were human, but would've liked to have had a stethoscope to be extra certain.

 _He has a heart murmur_ , Leon concluded unhappily. He wished he had the appropriate equipment to determine the severity. Zillions of people lived with murmurs without even realizing it, but relying on his ear alone was no way to gauge if Cloud's was one of those harmless ones. It was obvious his breathing was different and uneven; Leon could only imagine the damage that had been done to the rest of him. It was a depressing thought process, but one that built his determination to get them both out of there. But before he could focus on the important things, he needed to get Cloud out of his bed. He jabbed the blonde in the side with his finger. When he didn't react, Leon tried again. And then again. He lost his patience quickly and simply slapped the blonde on the chest. Cloud snorted loudly and sat up.

"The fuck was that for?" the blonde grumped, sending Leon a searing glare. The Carrier just stared at him. It took a few seconds, but Cloud eventually realized what the problem was.

"Get out of my bed. I'm tired of sitting on the floor. My ass hurts."

"Are you sure that isn't from all the dicks you've had up there?" the blonde spat. Leon rolled his eyes. The blonde scooted out of the bed and stood on wobbly legs. He didn't know how he ended up in the bed, and he wasn't sure he wanted to. But he didn't let on that he was bothered by it and left the cell in a huff, slamming the door behind himself. Back inside, Leon groggily pulled himself in the bed and lay down with a tired sigh.

 _It smells like him_ , he noted. He squished his pillow to his nose and inhaled. It was a comforting smell. He didn't know why, exactly, but he was okay with it. He was also happy that the majority of his paltry mattress was warmed up for him. He was able to focus on the positives and ignore the throbbing pain that thumped through his face. Falling asleep had never been easier. He could get used to that.

* * *

Cloud stayed away from Leon for several days afterward. He eventually got the go-ahead to use Mako again and was quick to suck up whatever the nurse would give him. He just wanted the withdrawal to go away. He hated feeling feeble and like his heart was about to explode from his chest. The rush was immediate when he felt the needle. He let out a relieved sigh and flexed his arm a few times, coaxing the substance to spread faster. Afterward, he was sort of at odds with himself. He felt better, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to do right away. He was jittery and needed to do _something_. Just talking with Leon wasn't going to be enough to keep him occupied.

He decided to try and get out for a bit. Where he was going to go, he had no idea. But he had a motorcycle, and that was enough for him. Trekking his way through the compound was simple enough, but once he meandered his way through the enormous front lobby, he was stopped at the doors. Other soldiers and workers were coming and going as they pleased, and yet a pair of guards was making a sincere effort to keep him from leaving. He was quick to get angry.

"Get out of my way," he spat. One of the guards put his hand on the blonde's chest and nudged him back.

"Mr. Shinra's orders. You're not to leave," he said simply. Cloud scowled.

"Fuck that; what is he going to do? Run over my foot with his wheelchair?"

"Possibly. Then shortly thereafter he'll have his people take you out into the desert and leave you there."

"Why? What difference does it make if I leave?"

"You have a job to do."

"And a couple hours away is going to make the world fall apart?"

"Yes," the guard said flatly, nudging Cloud back more. The blonde considered starting something physical; throwing a punch or two. But he was more concerned with who Rufus Shinra thought he was. In Cloud's mind, the man had some serious balls to get in his way and prevent him from doing as he pleased. He made it his priority to confront him and stomped away and headed back upstairs. He barged into the man's office where Rufus was sitting behind his desk with the phone to his ear. There was a woman standing next to him like a statue with her arms folded behind her back.

"Where the hell do you get off thinking you have control over me and what I decide to do?" Cloud barked, making his way towards the desk. Rufus mumbled something into the telephone and placed the receiver back on its cradle. The woman rounded the desk and stood in Cloud's way. He glared at her.

"You're on loan from the military. They own you. Since I'm borrowing you, that means I have temporary ownership. Do as I say, finish your job, and then you can do what you want," Rufus explained simply.

"That's bullshit. You don't own me. Call off your dogs and let me get out before I go insane."

"And what do you plan on doing out there? There is nothing but sand."

"I didn't get that far."

"You seem to think there are things to do outside this facility; as if you were in the city. Well you're not. I can guarantee you won't find anything of interest out there so you may as well get back to work."

"What I would _like_ to do is have a break. I spent… I don't even know how long in the infirmary and I need a bit of a morale boost. If that matters to you. Which I doubt it does," Cloud said flippantly. He looked the stone-faced woman over as she stood like a wall in front of him. He smirked. "If I could borrow her for a couple hours, that'd be enough."

"No thanks," the woman said.

"I wasn't asking _you_."

"No thanks," Rufus interjected.

"Then I guess I'm not asking," Cloud said arrogantly and reached out to grab the woman's arm. She sidestepped him, grabbed his wrist, and twisted the limb around until it was flattened against his back. With her free arm, she drew a pistol and pressed it to the base of his skull as she held him in place.

"Elena. Stop it. He's just and idiot. He can't help himself," Rufus said with a sigh. Cloud wrenched his arm around, yanking the woman with it. He flung her aside easily, sending her sprawling onto the office floor. He made to stalk over to her and manhandle her some more, but he was stopped by a large hand on his shoulder. He turned and came face-to-face with Rude. Reno appeared next to him with a wide smile.

"You seem uptight. Is there a problem?" the redhead asked gleefully. Cloud scowled.

"It's none of your business."

"But you're wigging out in front of my boss and assaulting my friend; I think it _is_ my problem."

"He was just leaving," Rufus said, wheeling himself around his desk with a bit of strain. Elena stood calmly and brushed her suit back into place. Cloud looked between the three bodyguards in turn before he caught Rufus' very meaning glare. He took the hint and left angrily, slamming the door closed behind himself. There wasn't much else he could do. His only alternative to going completely insane was to go down into Leon's cell and try to get as much out of the brunette as he possibly could.

He headed off towards the stairs.

* * *

Reno was quick to excuse himself and leave Rufus' office. It was Rude's shift anyway, but now that Cloud was awake and on the loose, he needed to keep an eye out for Leon. He hurried off back to his bedroom and started weaving his way through the halls with a camera. He caught up to Cloud quickly, as the blonde was taking the long way down into the prison. He was attempting to expel as much pent up energy as possible before he met with Leon again so he could keep control of himself. He was getting tired of waking up to dead bodies.

The redhead's heart sunk a little when they got to Leon's cell. Cloud wasn't any calmer despite his best efforts and burst into the room in a rage. Leon sat up in his bed almost instantly with wide startled eyes. He then cringed and held his face in pain. Reno frowned. The blonde didn't pay any attention to the Carrier's current discomfort and immediately backhanded Leon across the face. He grabbed the brunette's shirt and shook him.

"Tell me!" he roared furiously. Leon was seeing stars again as the pain swelled in his face and took over his entire thinking space.

"T-tell you what?" he asked hesitantly. Cloud shook him harshly before dropping him back on the bed.

"I can't leave this pit until you tell me something of use! They're keeping me here like an animal when I've done nothing to deserve it. It's _your_ fault I'm here. It's _your_ fault I'm going insane. So now _you_ have to fix it. Tell me something I can use so I can leave!"

"You're acting like a child," Leon muttered, massaging his face through his bandages gently. Cloud's face went from anger, to hell splitting fury at the comment and he grabbed the brunette by the throat and pulled him to his feet. He was prepared to beat the Carrier to a pulp but he stopped himself, vaguely remembering that Leon was important and he shouldn't die yet. Reno watched the scene with worried eyes, wondering how far Cloud would go and why Leon wasn't resisting.

In the russet Carrier's mind, all he could see was the damage he had caused to Seifer by retaliating. It was taking every ounce of willpower he had to not strike Cloud back. It was obvious the blonde was tweaked and not in his right mind; he wasn't deserving of punishment yet. Even if he _was_ deserving, Leon still didn't want to hurt him. He didn't know the extent of the medical care in the prison and he wasn't willing to chance causing permanent damage to his Charge if the people there didn't have instant healing like they did in Balamb. Even as he choked on the air as it rushed back into his lungs, he didn't want to hurt anyone. He was put off by how Cloud backed away from him and just _stared_ at him.

"You disgust me," he said simply.

"Not much I can do about that, sorry," Leon said hoarsely, pulling himself back into his bed.

"Where's your beard?" Cloud asked. The brunette furrowed his brows a bit, confused by the question.

"What beard?"

"They obviously don't let you bathe in here, so why would they let you shave? Where's your beard?"

 _Oh fuck, I forgot people are hairy like that_ , Leon told himself. On the other side of the camera, Reno had to laugh a bit. The random logical observation was amusing. His friend seemed to be at a loss with the question and stayed silent.

"Well?" Cloud asked impatiently.

"Uh… good question. I must have misplaced it. Have you seen one lying around anywhere?"

"You can't even grow a beard? It isn't enough to just look like a woman? Do you _really_ have to go the extra mile and _be_ one?"

"You like your women that hairy? Interesting. Remind me to try harder later. I'm making a serious effort to appeal to all of your fetishes."

"That's sick."

"No, that's dry sarcasm."

"It's still disgusting. But if you're going to put that much effort into it, I may as well take advantage, yeah?" Cloud asked rhetorically and stepped to the side of Leon's bed and shoved the Carrier to the side. He grabbed the top hem of Leon's pants and dragged him backwards towards himself. The brunette tried to cling to the mattress.

"Wait, what are you doing?" he asked shakily, fearing he already knew the answer. Cloud pressed his pelvis against Leon's rump and grabbed a handful of the Carrier's hair. He pulled the brunette back, forcing him to bend at an unnatural angle. He brought their face close.

"You won't give me what I want, so I'm stuck here. That means you're my only source of entertainment. Until you give me something I can use, I'm going to use you for what I want," the blonde said, his tone low and threatening. He kept hold of Leon's hair with one hand and used his free one to pull at the Carrier's pants.

"Wait! Stop for a second and think about what you're doing!" Leon said frantically, trying to worm away from his Charge. Between being pulled backwards one way and his legs being trapped between Cloud and the bed, he was going nowhere fast. He clawed at the mattress, trying to find enough friction to pull himself away.

"Oh, I know exactly what I'm doing, thanks. I don't need advice from a professional queer on how to do this. It all works the same, right?" the blonde replied. A swift pull broke the zipper and the button on the front of Leon's pants and they were tugged down easily. Leon's struggling doubled in force as the panic set in. Cloud let go of the Carrier's hair and Leon immediately crawled further onto the bed. He only got a few inches away before the blonde was on him again, forcing him on his knees with his face pressed to the wall above his pillow. Leon tried to get away again, but only managed to scoot forward and allow Cloud to pin his entire torso to the wall.

Leon had enough leverage to get away. He knew he did. All it would take was a quick elbow into Cloud's side and he could get away and to a point where he could defend himself properly. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was scared of hurting Cloud. It scared him so much that it kept him frozen in place, accepting whatever the blonde was going to do to him. His pride had been shot full of holes and left to die on the floor. He felt pathetic. Useless. Humiliated. Even when he heard the blonde's zipper come undone, all he could think was:

_This isn't him. This isn't my Charge. This isn't Cloud._

A scream ripped out of his throat when Cloud forcibly entered him, obliterating any though processes he had. His mind couldn't focus on anything else but the pain and the heat of the blonde's breath on the back of his neck. Leon squeezed his eyes shut and kept his forehead pressed to the wall, refusing to look over his shoulder and see his Charge's face. The pain from the gash on his forehead counteracted the pain coming from behind him but the mental anguish was still there, blanking the rest of everything out and ripping his psyche to pieces.

* * *

Reno had abandoned the computer when Cloud pinned Leon to the wall. He left everything on and recording in his panic and flew out of his bedroom towards the elevator. The machine was taking entirely too long to come to his floor and he stood there for all of two seconds before he decided to gallop down the stairs. All he could think about was how he and Leon needed to leave. The pain wasn't worth the life of torture Leon would have if he took Cloud home with him after everything so far. It didn't matter if the brunette could forgive the blonde; he would still be interacting with his rapist on a daily basis. Reno couldn't understand the appeal of having Cloud after it all. Surely Leon could find someone else that didn't abuse him and would keep him happy for the rest of his life.

The redhead blew past all the security on his way through the prison halls. Everyone there knew his face but still called after him, trying to see what the problem was. He ignored them and patted his pockets for his keys when he grew closer to Leon's hall. He didn't have a huge ring of keys for every cell in the prison, but he did have a master key that unlocked just about anything in the facility. It was a useful tool to have, and he thanked Rufus' trust for every second it took him to find it amongst the rest of his keys.

A door closed loudly down the hallway and the sound made him stop running. Cloud was leaving Leon's cell. They passed one another, Reno watching the blonde walk by him casually and hating him for every step he took. The redhead waited until he couldn't see the Charge anymore before he tried Leon's door. It wasn't even locked and opened easily, something that made his stomach turn to ice. He peeked around the door into the room and found Leon on his bed, curled up in a ball, squashed into a corner. Reno's eyes fell to the smear of blood on the mattress that trailed towards his friend. The brunette didn't even acknowledge him.

"Leon?" Reno asked. The brunette hugged his knees to his chest tighter but didn't respond. The pants he had been wearing were nearly torn in half and lying on the floor. The brunette had pulled his t-shirt over his legs and was attempting to hide himself in it like a cocoon. Reno closed the door behind himself gently and scooted into bed with him. He put a hand on the brunette's back and Leon flinched away and finally looked at him. He was surprised Leon wasn't falling to pieces. The brunette wasn't crying, he wasn't hysterical, he wasn't expressive at all. He looked shaken, but blank. Reno couldn't decide which sort of reaction he preferred.

"Well...I guess we're having sex. Isn't that what you wanted?" Leon asked meekly. The redhead furrowed his brows together sadly and frowned.

"Why would you say that to me? This wasn't something I wanted to have happen."

"Sorry. Bad joke."

"How can you joke about this?"

"Because if I wasn't joking, I'd be in p—" Leon attempted but his words got caught in his throat. He cleared it. "Pieces."

"We need to get out of here."

"Not without Cloud."

"Leon it's not worth—"

"Fuck off. Don't fucking tell me it isn't worth it," Leon said angrily.

"Do you really think you can live with him after all of this?"

"I'll get over it. It doesn't matter what happens to me so long as I can have a family to go home to. If I leave, I won't have that. I won't have anything. Cloud is my family. I can't…" the brunette hesitated as he felt his eyes water some. He was trying his hardest to keep the trauma out of his voice and bury it under his determination and control, but it was immensely difficult. Far more difficult than he had anticipated. He laid his face on his knees, looking away from Reno to save some of his crippled dignity. "I can't wait another twenty years for someone else. I need Cloud."

Reno sighed and moved Leon's pillow out of the way so he could sit at the head of the bed and lean against the wall. He pulled the russet Carrier towards himself and forced him to rest his head against his chest. Leon stayed defiant and didn't react for several minutes, but eventually his dilapidated defenses crumbled and he timidly hugged Reno around his chest. The redhead pet his hair and laid his cheek against the top of his head, allowing the brunette to suck up as much comfort as he could.

"I'm going to take you upstairs with me and get you cleaned up," Reno said.

"You can't," Leon mumbled against his shoulder.

"Yeah well, I'm going to anyway."

"We'll get in serious trouble if we're caught."

"I know. I'm still taking you with me, though."

"How?"

"I'll figure something out and come back. Try to get yourself together as much as you can. Put your uniform back on and stuff. I'll be right back. I need to ask for some help," the redhead said, patting his back. Leon sat up shakily and Reno shuffled out of the bed.

"Be careful," the brunette said. The redhead nodded as he left, closing the door behind himself quietly.

Reno snuck back up to his living quarters as quietly as he could. He tiptoed through the halls and quickly darted past doors in an effort to be as nonintrusive as possible. The guards he passed on the way raised eyebrows in question but he ignored them and they stayed quiet. He also didn't see Cloud at any point. Which was fine by him; he wasn't sure he would be able to stop himself from beating the blonde's face in. He went into his apartment and closed the door. He turned around and abruptly yelled in surprise when he saw Rude standing in the living room with his arms crossed over his chest. Apparently Rude had done some investigating. Leon's computer was sitting on the coffee table and Reno could see Leon getting dressed like he was told.

"You mind telling me what the fuck is going on?"

"I thought you were with Rufus. It's your shift."

"I got Tseng to cover for me. I saw you run past the office like your pants were on fire and it worried me. Tell me what's going on."

"There's nothing new. It's more of the same, but things are progressing into bad territory. Leon and I need to get out of here. Leon, because he can't take much more, and me, because I'm going to help him do it."

"And what? You were just going to leave me here?"

"…I never got the impression you were all that excited to leave."

"I considered it."

"Y-you did? And?" Reno asked hopefully.

"I still have questions."

"I would be worried if you didn't. But if you need to talk to me, that's totally cool, but I really need to get Leon up here."

"I know. I heard you," Rude said, pointing to the computer. "What happened to him?"

"Cloud… got a little carried away. He um… he raped Leon."

"…Oh. Wow, that's not what I was expecting."

"So you understand. I want to get him up here so he can get cleaned up and hide out for a bit."

"You're asking a lot, Reno."

"I know I am. If you want to go hang around somewhere else so you don't get in trouble, I'll understand."

"No, I'm going to help you."

"Really?" Reno asked, a bit of relief washing over him. Rude nodded. Reno beamed. "You're the best friend ever. I'll have to buy you a drink or something."

"Just answer my questions eventually and I'll be satisfied."

* * *

The half-baked plan was basically that of diversion. Reno and Rude snuck back downstairs to the prison proper and convinced the guards that Mr. Shinra had given them a break. It wasn't very hard to do; the guards seemed rather bored anyway. Rude stood watch at the end of the hall while Reno went and retrieved Leon. They all snuck back upstairs, Reno and Rude taking turns scouting ahead and waiting for people to clear out so they wouldn't be seen. The amount of staff wandering around was sparse as it was getting late in the day and most of them were returning to the city and their homes. Once back at the apartment, they all let out a collective sigh of relief.

Leon was quiet the entire time. Reno ushered him into the bathroom and shoved an armful of fluffy towels in his face. He then helped the brunette remove his bandages as gently as possible. The cut had started bleeding again with Cloud's abuse but it was a slight trickle and nothing much to worry about. The scabbing had solidified more and seemed a bit more stable. All positive signs, but nothing that would make it all go away anytime soon. The scar would last the rest of Leon's life. The russet Carrier refused to look at himself in the mirror and nudged Reno away when they were finished with his bandages.

"You don't want any help?" Reno asked.

"With showering? No thanks. I don't need a mother to wash my ass for me," Leon grumped. The redhead scowled but left anyway. He did agree it seemed sort of stupid to try and baby his friend, but he couldn't help himself. He still felt that everything was his fault. He waited until Leon was in the shower before he went back in the bathroom and stole the brunette's clothing so he could wash it. He dumped it all in the laundry with what seemed like twenty tons of soap and went to flop onto the couch.

"How is he?" Rude asked, sitting across from the redhead.

"I can't tell. Logic tells me he's bottling it up and being unhealthy about it, but my Leon-sense is telling me he's just being a hardass. Either way, none of it is good," Reno sighed, slouching in his seat and rubbing his face. "This is all my fault."

"You can't blame yourself for this. There was no way this was your intention."

"It wasn't, but if I hadn't butted in, they may have met on better terms."

"Or Leon could've become a prisoner and died here without making any progress," Rude said. Reno didn't have a response and stayed silent. His Charge stood from his seat and came to sit next to him. He patted the redhead's shoulder.

"So what did you have questions about?" Reno mumbled. Rude shrugged.

"I wanted to know what would happen to my parents if I left? Would they even know?"

"I'm told that the people the Charges knew during their life would forget them."

"Charges?"

"Right. Sorry. You're my Charge. Or, supposed to be. In my perfect world anyway."

"So what does that make you?"

"I'm a Carrier. I'm not prepared to get into much more detail than that. You wouldn't understand any of it until you came to my world with me."

"Okay so… I'd be forgotten."

"Yes. They wouldn't know who you were, and all evidence you ever lived would be gone. They wouldn't grieve over you because you never existed to them. It'd be a clean slate."

"Okay. That sounds better than what I thought would happen."

"Which was?"

"That they would eventually think I was killed or something."

"Yeah. Forgetting is better," Reno said.

"It's not like I've talked to them in the last two years."

"Well, who knows what they're thinking? I wouldn't worry about it if you plan on coming with me. It'd ultimately be irrelevant."

"Yeah…" Rude trailed thoughtfully. "And you said that you'd be taking me away from the war? Does that mean your world isn't at war?"

"That's right. There was a really big one a long time ago that blasted everything to smithereens so now everyone is focused on trying to work together to fix it. There hasn't been a war since then. In a sense, it's a good thing. The fighting stopped, but it took the sacrifice of just about everything else to make it happen. Leon and I are part of the effort to make everything better."

"And if I went with you, I would be a part of it too?"

"Yes."

"No war?"

"No war."

"And you're not lying to me?"

"Never."

"Do I get to punch you if you are?"

"I'll hand you a gun so you can shoot me."

There was a long pause between them.

"Okay," Rude said. Reno blinked a few times and stared at him wordlessly.

"W… Was that an 'okay' like…"

"Like I'm going with you? Yes."

"Don't joke about this."

"I'm not."

"Really?"

"Yes!" Rude insisted, furrowing his brows together, his patience starting to dry up. Reno stared at him, his mouth hanging open a bit in quiet disbelief. He was in such shock that he couldn't feel his fingertips. His throat was dry and his heart felt like it was going to explode. He stayed frozen in place for several minutes, unable to think of anything to say. The pent up energy eventually became too much and he abruptly threw himself on his Charge, hugging him around his neck. Rude let out a startled yell and didn't make an effort to hug him back, but didn't push him away.

"You've made me the happiest _tatanka_ ever!" he squealed.

"Ta—what?" Rude asked confusedly.

"Never mind! AH! You've made me so happy, I could strangle you," the redhead spewed, yanking his Charge around and rolling on the couch as much as he was able.

"Please stop," Rude said flatly as he was twisted around as Reno tried to force him to roll around with him. The redhead released him and flailed around in his spot, nearly kicking his Charge in the face. He flopped off the side of the couch and bolted into the bathroom, letting out a loud excited laugh. Leon, in response, screamed in surprise. There was a loud ' _slap_ ' that followed and Reno quieted immediately.

" _Don't fucking do that to me_!" the brunette roared. The volume reverberated off the walls, making the mirror above the sink shake. Reno's ears started to ring and he flinched away.

"Holy shit! You don't have to bust my eardrums!" the redhead cried, covering his ears. The shower curtain had been flung open and a very pink and very pissed off Leon glared daggers into Reno's face, which had a large red spot forming on the cheek. The brunette shut the curtain again angrily, returning to his steam filled bubble.

"Get out," he said, his voice calmed considerably. Reno stuck a finger in his ear and shook it around, trying to get the ringing to stop.

"Sorry, I forgot. Rude agreed to come with me and I got a little too excited."

"Yeah, I noticed," Leon grumbled. Reno noticed how his hair was sticking to his forehead and he scowled, fanning his face a bit.

"How hot do you have the water on? Damn. It's like a sauna in here."

"Get out," Leon repeated. Reno used a finger to move the shower curtain just enough to see inside. The brunette was crouched down with his arms around his legs, staring blankly at the floor while the water scalded his back. The redhead frowned but didn't protest anymore and headed for the door.

"If you're not out in twenty minutes, I'm coming back. Don't pass out," he said and closed the door behind himself. He sighed a bit and went to go sit with Rude again. "Sorry for freaking out. I had myself convinced you weren't coming with me. I'm glad I was wrong."

"It was an impressive display for someone who's supposedly in their forties," Rude said. Reno laughed.

"Maturity? What's that?"

"It's overrated is what it is. Everyone gets stupid when they're overly happy. It's fine."

"You are such an anomaly in this world, you know that? You're way too understanding. I think it's awesome."

"My parents raised me right."

"Lucky me," Reno said with a wide smile.

"When do we leave?"

"Honestly? I have no idea. I was hoping to stick around until Leon figures out what he's doing, but once that's all settled and we leave here, I couldn't say when we could actually go back to my world. The door between yours and mine only opens every six years so once we leave Midgar, we may have to wait elsewhere for a little while. But it's okay. We have a place."

"I see. You don't have a limit as to how long you can stay here?"

"Not specifically. But we do need to get back so we can start rebuilding so it's best not to have too much idle time."

"Okay. One more question? It's something that's been bugging me for a while."

"Sure."

"You said before that you'd 'figure out what to do with yourself later' when you first told me about everything. What did you mean by that?" Rude asked. Reno looked down at his hands and picked at his fingers a bit.

"I honestly don't know if I want to tell you about that. I also said that I don't want to make you do something that you don't want to do. If I tell you what I meant, you might feel obligated, and that's pretty much the same thing as forcing you into it. But at the same time, the details were never really a concern for me in the past so you shouldn't worry about it. It's okay," the redhead lied. It wasn't okay. Part of him wanted to tell his Charge about the legalities surrounding Carriers and their relationships and guilt Rude into giving him what he wanted; but he knew it wasn't right. Rude didn't press him for it and a comfortable silence passed between them for several minutes.

"Are you going to have Leon go back to his cell? He probably should. Someone's bound to notice he's missing."

"I was hoping to have him sleep here for the night. He can have my bed; I'll take the couch."

"Still doesn't change the 'noticing' situation."

"I know. That's why I'm hesitant. I'll figure it out," Reno said, reaching forward and taking up Leon's computer from the coffee table. The camera was still focused in on the empty room and he poked at the machine idly, trying to occupy himself.

Leon's twenty minutes passed and the redhead barged into the bathroom again like he said he would. The brunette was out of the shower though, and standing at the sink with a towel around his waist, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked awful. Thin, pale, unhealthy, miserable. The miserable part wasn't anything new, but coupled with the rest of it made for a very pathetic and beaten package. Reno tried not to pay attention to his friend's ribs that were starting to show and went to him. He shooed the brunette away from the cabinet and stooped to dig under the sink. He produced a toothbrush that was still in the packaging and handed it to him. Leon got the idea and started brushing his teeth.

"I smell like I just rolled out of a giant flower," he grumbled when he was finished. He scratched his arm. His entire body was itchy from the fragrances in the soap.

"Believe it or not, it's the least offensive soap we could find at the store. But I have stuff for the itch," Reno said, taking Leon's wrist and leading him towards his bedroom. He closed the door and went to retrieve a bottle of unscented lotion and handed it off. Leon uncapped it and deposited a blob in his hand.

"So how did you get Rude to accept?" he asked, smoothing the cream over his arms.

"The war was a big deal for him, which I didn't realize. Getting away from it seemed to be a decent motivator. I didn't think he was all that bothered by it since he's not an active part of it, but he is; enough that he's willing to leave everything behind to get away from it, apparently."

"I can't tell if Cloud is bothered by anymore it or not. I'd like to think he's unhappy here and would like something different, but he's high half the time so I can't really gauge what he truly thinks," Leon said, handing the bottle to Reno and turning his back to him, giving the clear indication that the redhead was to assist him. Reno took the hint and squirted a glob directly on the brunette's skin, making Leon twitch and look over his shoulder at him with a glare. The redhead grinned and started to work the lotion in.

"I make Rude do this for me all the time. There's something to be said about the strength of companionship when you can get your non-gay friend to squirt lotion on your gay self and not have him be bothered when you get a bit of a boner while he's rubbing your back. Or maybe he just doesn't notice."

"That's awkward, Reno," Leon sighed. Reno chuckled.

"But I wouldn't be me if I didn't make you feel weird every now and again."

"It's how I know you're happy."

"The smiles aren't enough of a clue?"

"Anyone can fake a smile."

"Then why don't you?"

"Because I'm a terrible liar."

"…You're so depressing."

"Sorry. I had a bad day," Leon huffed. Reno frowned and slid his hands around to the brunette's front and hugged him tightly from behind.

"I know. But I can help. Your uniform is in the wash, and we have some decent food you can eat. If you want to stay the night, you can have my bed. But we'd have to get up really early and get you back to your cell so we don't get our asses handed to us."

"…Thank you."


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

Leon sort of expected the facility to explode in a fiery mass of doom and brimstone when Reno escorted him back to his cell. He was feeling very targeted. Like his world couldn't get much worse and it would be just his luck to die in an explosion. He was also completely aware of how immature he was being, but he couldn't help himself. He really wanted to crawl under his bed and hide for a few days until he could glue his dignity back together. He would need some tweezers and a magnifying glass for the pieces.

He was relieved when he got back to his cell without conflict. He felt substantially better after a proper meal, clean clothes, and bathing. He flipped his mattress over and sat on it, wincing as his ass reminded him how he needed to be gentle for a few days. He sighed, trying his hardest to push the memory away but he failed miserably. Every vivid detail came rushing back and surged into a threat for a headache. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, attempting to clear it all away. He eventually gave up and figured he should force himself to lie down and possibly sleep. It was obnoxiously early in the morning and the sleep he got in Reno's company was a cat nap at best.

He was beginning to think he wouldn't be able to just disregard what happened like he initially thought he could. He was starting to doubt his willpower, which worried him. He didn't like thinking that Cloud could break him. He was determined to not let it happen, but what his mind could handle and what his expectations for himself wanted were two completely different wavelengths. He had lost his control over just about everything and it tore him apart. He knew he needed to leave soon; before he lost everything he was barely hanging on to.

* * *

Cloud was pretty sure that there was a bus out there made for the express purpose of running him over. At least, when he woke up the next morning, that's what he felt like. He flopped out of his bed and went to the dresser where he had unpacked most of his things. He dug around in the drawers until he found his little square case where his spare Mako was kept. When he opened it, it was empty. He had forgotten to get a refill. He let out a grumbling sigh and plunked his forehead against the top of the dresser a few times, berating his ineptitude. He felt bad, but he wasn't withdrawal stricken just yet. He felt he had enough time to shower and head down to the infirmary to get some Mako.

"What do you mean 'no'?" the blonde asked angrily when he eventually made it down to the clinic. The nurse was firm on her claim and crossed her arms over her chest indignantly.

"Mr. Shinra's orders. I can't give you a refill. I'll give you some to keep the withdrawal at bay, but you're on observation still. We can't have you dying from your own stupidity before you fill your use. You have to report here every morning for your ration so we can keep an eye on you," she said grumpily. Cloud balked at her but didn't have the energy to argue with her. He just wanted his Mako so he could feel normal and go about his day.

He took his ration and was sent on his way. He headed back downstairs to Leon's cell and barged in like he had done several times before. The Carrier was in his bed, seemingly asleep, but Cloud wasn't convinced. He cleared his throat and waited for Leon to respond. He slammed the door shut and waited again. The brunette ignored him. What the blonde didn't realize was that Leon was trying to get his heart to stop racing. He hadn't anticipated the amount of anxiety he would feel when he had to face Cloud again, and was having a hard time coping.

"Hey," the blonde deadpanned, putting his foot on the bed and shaking it. Leon squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath.

"What?" he asked as evenly as he could. He didn't want to turn around and know if Cloud was high or not.

"Get up," the blonde ordered.

"Why?"

"Because I said so, that's why. Do I need a reason otherwise?"

"It'd be nice. I'm rather comfortable," Leon lied.

"Well are you going to talk today?"

"Hadn't planned on it."

"Then get up," Cloud said, leaning over Leon so he could grab the front of his shirt. He yanked the Carrier around to face him. Coming face to face was not something the brunette's head could wrap around and he immediately shoved the blonde away harshly. Cloud didn't have the strength or reflexes to stop him, and staggered back and bumped into the wall.

"Don't touch me," Leon spat, sitting up and scooting himself back into a corner. He briefly glanced up to the ceiling corner and saw that Reno was watching. He didn't have any bandages over the healing gash on his face and Cloud's eyes were fixed on it with a confused scowl, but he didn't say anything about it.

"Whatever. You understand that they're probably not going to do anything to you once you talk, right? They want to keep you around as a bargaining chip," Cloud said, sliding the rest of the way down to sit on the floor. His eyes were glowing a bit, but his body language was completely different than before, giving Leon the impression that he wasn't as on edge as he had been in the past. The realization didn't help with his rationality though; he was still shaken.

"I know," the Carrier said.

"So why don't you?"

"Because I don't have anything to say."

"You're such a liar," the blonde sighed, running his hand through his hair tiredly.

"It doesn't matter what I say to you. You'll still keep me here. What motivation do I have to give you anything?"

"Well depending on what you give, they could grant you a few luxuries."

"Like I need those. I've gone months without," Leon said spitefully. Cloud rolled his eyes.

"Look, don't take your vendetta against this country out on me. I'm just here because you called me. It's really hard for me to believe that you did it for no reason. Just tell me whatever it is you need to so we can move on and not have to see each other again."

"I have nothing to say."

"Seriously, don't make me smack you around. I'm really not feeling it," the blonde said, rubbing his eyes. Hearing that helped calm Leon's nerves some. He wasn't ready to drop his guard any time soon, but at least he didn't feel like his ass or life was at stake anymore. He took a deep breath and thought about his options. He figured he could try again from the beginning.

"I'll talk."

"Good th—"

"About you."

"What?"

"I'll talk about you," Leon said. Cloud furrowed his brows.

"Uh, okay? What about me?"

"Are you happy?"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the question. You want me to talk, right?"

"Talk about something useful—"

"Just answer the question," Leon repeated. Cloud blinked and glared at the floor for a second.

"Yeah? I'm happy enough."

"Liar."

"The fuck? You ask me a question and I give you an answer just so you could tell me I'm wrong?"

"Not wrong. Just lying. Anyone that lives for the military like this isn't happy. Can you honestly think about all the things you've done and take enjoyment from it?"

"And what the fuck do you know about what I've done?" Cloud asked angrily.

"I know a lot about you; the things you've done, the people you've killed, the women you've raped."

"I didn't rape anyone. And so what if I've killed people? That's my purpose," the blonde said. Leon scowled. He had mixed feelings about Cloud's forgetfulness about the rape. Part of him wanted to see if his Charge felt bad about it, and the other part wanted to _make_ him feel bad about it.

"You're okay with it? You're okay with all of the people you've killed?"

"I'm not exactly throwing confetti around for it all but it doesn't bother me. I don't wake up in the morning with a plan to go out eliminating people, but if it happens, then it happens. Why does it matter?"

"You don't see how awful this country is? You're running through you life blindly in accordance to what these monsters want you to do. You're encouraged to kill, and that's not only a waste of other's lives, it's a waste of your own. There are bigger things out there other than what this place has for you, Cloud."

"How do you know my na—"

"If you're really alright with all the things you've done, then that's fine. But I want you to understand the extent of your sins and what you've cost yourself before you lie to yourself anymore," Leon said. He was angry. Furious, in fact, though he doubted Cloud could see it. He didn't need to relive his own trauma, but he wanted the blonde to hurt. He wanted to make him upset, to bring him down to the level he had been reduced to. He looked to the camera bug in his ceiling. "Reno, I'd like you to bring me my computer."

"Who are you talking to?" Cloud asked confusedly, looking up at the ceiling as well. He scowled at the bug, but didn't know what to make of it.

"Just be quiet and wait," Leon said.

Reno drove the bug out of the room and out into the hall, to show that he had heard everything. He didn't know what his friend was up to but if Leon had a plan, he wasn't going to get in his way. He doubted showing Cloud the videos of himself was going to make much of a difference. In fact, he was pretty sure it would only make him angry. But at the very least, Reno felt he could wait around outside the cell and make sure things didn't get violent. He didn't like how stone-faced Leon was. He arrived outside the cell shortly after Leon requested him and shoved the closed computer through the slot where Leon's meals came in. It just barely fit.

Cloud was startled, but watched the brunette cautiously. Leon opened the laptop and quickly brought up the archive of recordings of Cloud's life. He considered making Cloud watch all of his sins in succession but he had to remember that they didn't affect his Charge as much as they did him, so they were useless. No, Cloud needed to see the impact he had had on his own life, so Leon brought up Aerith's murder and turned the machine around so the blonde could see. He started the feed and handed the computer off to him. Cloud took it curiously and was more concerned about inspecting the computer itself until he realized he was watching himself.

" _Aerith… please. I need quiet._ "

" _Well **sorry** for being upset._ "

Sobbing. A loud smack. A scream. Cloud visibly flinched and his expression fell, his face paling.

" ** _Be quiet!_** "

More sobbing. A disturbance. A yell. Another slap. Frightened scrambling. Commotion at the door. Bloodshed. Cloud didn't seem to be all that upset over whoever he had stabbed through the door, and ran his fingers through his hair, his face thoughtful more than it was upset. He was more concerned that he had hit Aerith. Seeing her again was painful, but his focus wasn't on mourning as it was on what he was doing to her. He didn't fully understand what was happening. He didn't realize he was that vengeful but it made a lot of the pieces click into place for him. He now understood how a lot of the bodies turned up after he had spent a day obliterated out of his skull.

Silence. The squeak of a door. Another blood curdling scream. A rage filled growl. Stomping against floorboards followed by the ' _whoosh_ ' of a giant blade. Cloud gasped loudly and covered his mouth, his face as white as a sheet. Leon scooted off his bed and sat in front of him.

A cough. A wet plop. More stomping.

A loud commotion of soldiers rushing the house. Cloud's furious struggling. Fire. Children screaming. Leon took the computer off of the blonde's lap and muted it before closing it and sliding it back through the door. Reno took it quietly but stuck around outside. Cloud was frozen in his place, staring into space in disbelief. His mind was reeling through every conceivable scenario. It couldn't have been real, he refused to accept it, but he couldn't deny that things had changed drastically since he returned from Nibelheim. Barret had stopped visiting him, Jessi seemed standoffish, and Sephiroth had started to like him _way_ too much. That, and the blonde had never seen a movie in his life and had no idea video editing even existed. The idea that what he had seen may have been fake never crossed his mind. Leon couldn't even say for certain if Plane 087 had any sort of silver screen entertainment. All he had ever seen was the news on poor quality televisions.

The brunette sat in front of his Charge quietly, watching his reaction turn from shock to distress, to outright breaking apart. The blonde blurted out a hysterical cough and his eyes turned panicky. His breathing sped up and he held his face in his hands, half of one hand gripping his hair tightly. He couldn't stop the tears from rolling out of his eyes, and even then, there wasn't any sobbing. Just incoherent huffs of noise between breaths; it didn't take long for it to start, though. He slowly curled in on himself, folding himself in half and covering his ears with his hands as the frenzied wailing broke out of his throat. His hands were shaking and he started to rock himself in his place.

Leon didn't feel any better. If fact, he felt worse. All he managed to do was traumatize a victim. He felt ignorant for thinking it would help. Selfish. Even if Cloud deserved to pay for what he had done to him, Leon didn't feel he had handled it the best way. If anything, he should've waited until he could think things over rationally. He let his emotions get the better of him. Rape or no rape, he couldn't excuse himself for losing control. He didn't know what to do. Cloud was shattered, and he couldn't even begin to understand how to put the pieces back together.

"Squall?" Reno called from the other side of the door, purposefully using Leon's pseudonym just in case. He sat down in front of the slot and peeked inside. Leon looked at him.

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Did you need me for anything? Should I stick around?" the redhead asked. Leon looked at Cloud and shook his head.

"No. He's done hurting people, I think. I hope."

"Okay. I'll be watching if you need me."

"Okay," Leon said. Reno left quietly. The brunette let Cloud have a few minutes, but the hysterics didn't ease any. His anxiety spiked and he hesitated for a moment, but was able to force himself to put a hand on the blonde's back. Cloud immediately shot upright again smacked his hand away harshly. He quickly skittered backwards and away from the Carrier and huddled himself in the furthest corner, staring at Leon like a beaten puppy.

"What d-do y-you want f-from me?" he stammered shakily, his voice hoarse. The puffy eyes, the wet face, the sniffling runny nose, and his defeated posture made him look childlike, stripping him down to a scared ten year old. The guilt was immense. Leon couldn't think of anything to say. Cloud pulled the bottom of his shirt up and wiped his face and nose with it. He laid his face on his knees afterward, staring ahead of himself, thinking. The huffing and puffing didn't end there and he spent the next fifteen minutes falling apart and trying to pull himself together again and again and again while Leon watched, his face void of emotion. Once it was quiet enough to speak over him again, the Carrier sighed and scooted closer to him, but not close enough for Cloud to reach him easily.

"Are you still okay with all the things you've done?" he asked flatly, trying to remain as neutral as possible even though his first instinct was to stuff Cloud in the safe and secure box he had wanted to keep him in since day one; even if it meant saving his Charge from himself. He doubted Cloud would forget this meeting or what he had done to Aeirth. He was too rational, too human, and not angry enough to be able to forget.

"What does it m-matter? Why do you care?" the blonde muttered.

"Because I need to know that _you_ care so I can help you change it. I can't help you if you're alright with the way things are."

"Help me?" Cloud parroted, his voice sounding more normal. He picked his face up and looked Leon in the eye with an angry glare. "She was already d-dead, and I already hated it. How is making me realize it's my fault helpful? Couldn't you have just let me have my ignorance and m-move on?"

"You wouldn't have understood had it been anyone else. If you really want to, I can show you the _other_ people you've killed."

"Fuck you. I haven't done anything to you, hell, I don't even f-fucking know you, and you call me over here like some sort of creep, for what? To 'help?' Help me do what? Help me want to k-kill myself? Help me never be happy again? Because you're _really_ good at your job if that's what you're here f-for. You win. We're done. I don't want to see you again."

"I can change it so you don't have to do this anymore. I can take you away from here. From Midgar, the military, and the mistreatment. I don't blame you for what you've done. I blame them. They took a good person and turned him into a monster. Just like they did his father."

"H-how do you _know_ all this shit?" Cloud asked, mouth agape. "If this is some weird new thing Balamb has come up with to rip us apart f-from the inside, you all are scarier than any of the bastards here."

"This has nothing to do with Balamb. It's just me."

"And I'm the lucky fuck that you picked to beat to death?"

"Yes."

"Fuck you. I don't care if they drag me out into the desert, I'm not coming back down here," Cloud spat and pushed himself up to stand. He made to walk around Leon and leave but the Carrier grabbed his wrist and kept him in place. Cloud pulled on his arm. "Let go."

"Just listen to me for a second," Leon said.

"I've already listened enough," the blonde defended and yanked his arm again. He wasn't in any condition to get away and the brunette pulled back much harder. Cloud ended up half falling over him, landing on the floor with a grunt. Leon fixed him with a serious gaze.

"I'm much stronger than you. Just sit the fuck down and listen," he said. Cloud pulled his hand back, and Leon let him have it. The Carrier scooted over to the door and sat against it, barring the exit. The blonde sat himself up against the opposite wall, angrily glaring daggers at the other. "I need your help."

"Fuck off. No way," the blonde immediately spat.

"We can help each other. You need something positive in your life, and I can give you that."

"Something positive. It sounds disgusting coming from you."

"Can you really sit there and tell me you'd rather stay here and murder more people when you have an opportunity to do something else that will make you smile? I really don't want to believe you're that awful of a person."

"I'm not a murderer," Cloud lied.

"Oh you're not? Systematic killing is different? Because you haven't done any of that, either. Killing in the battlefield is just as deplorable to me and you haven't even been out there properly. As far as I'm aware, all the people you've 'eliminated' were innocents and on your side."

"Shut up."

"Aerith wasn't innocent?"

"Shut up!"

"She deserved it?"

"Stop!" the blonde yelled, covering his ears and pulling his knees to his chest. His biggest desire in that moment was to forget. He begged the meager amount of Mako in his system to take charge and force him to think of nothing. He couldn't.

"What do you have left here that is worth hanging on to? That is worth the countless other lives you'll probably take if you stay where you are? Are you okay with having that blood on your hands?" Leon asked. Cloud hugged his legs and looked away.

"…Yes," he said hesitantly.

"Liar."

"Am not."

"Don't fucking kid yourself, Cloud. I know it's nearly impossible to see, but I'm not here to make your life a living hell. I don't want to hurt you despite all the damage you've done. I just want you to _wake up_. I want you to help me so I can help you. If you really don't believe my intentions then you can talk to a guy named Reno and his friend Rude. They're both in the same boat as us. They're upstairs down the hall from Rufus Shinra's living quarters."

"Why the hell should I believe them when I don't even believe you?" Cloud asked. Leon shrugged.

"I can't force you to do or believe anything. But everything that's happened between us so far is not my fault. I may have called you here, but I never made you kill anyone, hurt anyone, …rape anyone. All I did was make you face yourself. It's time to stop being delusional. You know full well that you'll continue on the path you've already made for yourself if you stay here. There's no one left to hate you but yourself. If you come with me, and help me, I can give you something worthwhile to live for."

"I don't believe you."

"Fine. But you agree with me?"

"Fuck off. This is a trap. You're going to use me to get out here and then kill me when we're in the clear."

"You said it yourself that you already want to kill yourself. What's the difference if I do it or you do? At least if I do it, you won't die a coward."

Cloud hesitated, glaring at him for a moment. "…I'm not a coward."

"I know. But if you kill yourself, that's what people will see you as," Leon said, folding his hands on his stomach. "What's keeping you from believing me?"

"Other than the fact that you're a complete dick and I don't like you?"

"Yeah. Other than that."

"You're with the enemy. You can't be trusted."

"I'm not from any country that exists here. No one here has my allegiance. I'm actually just taking advantage of Balamb."

"Liar. That doesn't even make any sense," Cloud grumped. Leon shrugged.

"You're welcome to think I am. Call me whatever you like, just do yourself a favor and don't lie to yourself. I know as well as you do that you never wanted any of this."

"You don't know shit about me."

"I know a lot about you."

"What's my favorite color?" Cloud asked. Leon pursed his lips.

"…Pick something else," he said. The blonde rolled his eyes with an unimpressed sigh.

"When's my birthday?"

"August 19th," Leon said automatically. The blonde's eyes narrowed on him suspiciously.

"What's my mother's name?"

"Which one? Your biological mother? Because you don't even know that. I know Nana's name was Natalie, though."

"…Fucking stalker."

"Possibly."

"What color were my eyes before I joined the military?"

"Hazel."

"You're fucked in the head. That's nasty."

"If knowing random bits of trivia is enough you make you think I'm nasty, I can only imagine how you feel about yourself after all the shit you've pulled."

"Fuck off. Damn, give it a rest. You said you didn't blame me."

"I don't. I was talking about how you felt about you," Leon said. Cloud glared at the Carrier's placid face, crossing his arms over his chest. They stared at one another for several minutes. The blonde's patience ran out quickly.

"Are you going to let me leave? I don't have anything else to say to you."

"Alright," Leon said flatly and ambled up onto his bed so the door could open. Cloud kept skeptical eyes on him as he left, waiting for the Carrier to attack him or try to keep him there again. He was surprised when Leon didn't and allowed himself to be locked in the cell again.

* * *

Reno was by himself. Rude went out with Tseng and Elena for a few drinks and wouldn't be back until late. It took almost two hours to get from the facility to Deling City so the travel time was only half the wait. His job back home was to make sure he was available for Rufus if he needed anything. So far, he had just been helping his boss get himself ready for bed. Rufus' team of nurses were busy rushing about getting him cleaned up and dressed, so Reno was left to do the legwork and fetch things for them. All in all, it was a quiet evening; no different than the ones before it.

"Reno," Rufus called from his bed when things were just about finished. The redhead raised a brow and went to sit next to him. "I'm losing my patience with you," the man said.

"What did I do?"

"This prisoner is useless. You're lying to me."

"You're sure he is? Cloud hasn't come to report anything?" Reno asked as innocently as he could. His heart sped up with the sudden nervousness.

"No. He hasn't."

"Well ask him first. He's sort of stupid. He might have just blown it off."

"I intend to. I just wanted to make it clear that I'm at the end of my rope with this. If Cloud doesn't have something for me tomorrow, I only have one other option before I cut him loose."

"What option is that?"

"Bring in someone who can make use of the prisoner. If that fails, well, I hope for your sake it doesn't."

"…I understand."

"You're excused," Rufus said. Reno nodded and took his leave quietly, his heart thudding in his ears. He wished he understood what his boss had meant by 'make use of' but he was sure it was nothing good. He sighed heavily and racked his brain for answers or a plan. He didn't think of anything right away and headed towards his apartment. There was someone there already, leaning against the door. It was Cloud.

"What are you doing here?" the redhead asked angrily. Cloud glanced over his shoulder, his expression a mixture of tense bleakness and confusion.

"My prisoner said I should talk to you," he said. Reno raised a brow and stepped around him, digging in his pocket for his keys. He unlocked the door and let it swing open, gesturing for the blonde to go in. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, but he figured he was supposed to help convince Cloud to act in Leon's favor.

"What did you need to know?" Reno asked. Cloud helped himself to the couch and sat with his elbows on his knees and his fingers laced together in front of his chin. He stared thoughtfully at the coffee table. The redhead was surprised and thankful the blonde was so calm.

"He said he can help me. I wasn't aware I needed help until I met him but… I guess I do. He said that if I don't believe him, I should talk to you and your friend because you're in the same situation as we are."

"We have the same goals, yes. The situation we have versus you two's is _way_ different, but that's beside the point."

"I don't understand what he wants me to do."

"What did he say?"

"He wants me to help him. With what?"

"I'm not sure I should be the one to tell you that, but I can guarantee you it's nothing bad. In fact, it's very very good. Rude agreed to help me, and I'm a million times thankful for it. We just haven't gotten a chance to get away and get started. What is the problem you're having with him?" Reno asked, taking a seat on the couch across from him.

"I hate him. He's done nothing but beat me over the head with what I've done but then has the nerve to ask for my help. I don't like him, I don't trust him, I hate him for what's shown me, I hate him for stalking me… and I hate myself for knowing he's right. I just… I don't know. I'm so fried," Cloud sighed, rubbing the heels of his hands in his eyes.

"I'm not going to lie to you. He and I are friends. We have the same intentions, the same goals, and we come from the same place. I probably know him better than he knows himself and I can say with the utmost certainty that he would _never_ do anything to hurt you."

"He's already hurt me."

"No, you hurt yourself. He's just overly honest."

"It still hurts."

"And that's the way life works. I'm sorry you're upset, but you can't blame him for wanting to show you everything you missed. He's abrasive and an ass, but he's not malicious. He wants to help you get away from here and to do that, you have to be willing to help him as well."

"I still don't believe either of you."

"Well, it's not surprising. It's a weird place to be in, but if you think he's right, why not just give him the benefit of the doubt?"

"Because he's tricking me."

"Then why would he send you to me?"

"Because you're a co-conspirator."

"Then why are you here?" Reno asked. Cloud didn't have an answer for him and averted his eyes to the floor. "You know he's right. You need help. He's offering it to you, so why not take it? You don't have to like him to use him. The worst that happens is he helps you, and then you drop him and go on your merry way. He's not going to force you, and he's not going to hurt you. I can guarantee it."

"Some friend you are. Encouraging me to use your friend and drop him like a used up whore. That's low."

Reno shrugged. "I can pick up the pieces afterwards. I just need him to get out of here, and he needs you to do that. If you still don't think he has anything for you once you get far enough away from Midgar, then you're free to do what you please. But at least you'll be out of here and won't have to bend to the military's will, yeah? That's a positive. You can start over."

"I need to think about it," Cloud said. Reno smiled a bit on the inside. Leon was under the blonde's skin, and all he needed was a nudge in the right direction. He was fairly confident that if Cloud helped Leon escape and they were alone together for a day or two, the blonde would understand that his friend wasn't out to kill him and that his intentions were genuine. Whether or not that would breed a healthy or positive relationship in the end was still up in the air, but at the very least Cloud would follow. Reno just hoped neither of them fucked it up with their big mouths.

''Think all you want. Though I should probably tell you that Mr. Shinra is pretty much done with this whole arrangement we have going. If you don't get anything from Leon by tomorrow, which you won't, he's going to bring someone else in to do your job."

"Good, I don't want to do this anymore."

"But I don't know who this someone else is. If Leon gets hurt by them or something, it may ruin your chances of getting away."

"If it happens, it happens. I'm not going to try for it, but I'm not going to cry if I just have to go back to normal," Cloud said gruffly, sitting back and crossing his arms over his chest. Reno frowned.

"Whatever floats your boat, kid."

"Anyway. Where is this Rude guy I'm supposed to know?"

"He's out. You're welcome to come back when he's here. Probably tomorrow. You'd have more in common with him than you have with me."

"I will," Cloud agreed and stood. Reno didn't make an effort to walk him out and the blonde didn't make an effort to say goodbye. He simply left. The redhead let out a sigh and slouched in his seat. He waited until he was sure the blonde had headed away before going to Leon's computer and making a camera bug follow after him.

Cloud trudged down to his room slowly, watching the floor. His face was a mixture of grief and indecision. He was trying his hardest to focus on the situation with Leon but his crushing guilt was bubbling up now that he was by himself. Once back to his room, he closed the door gently and leaned against it, sliding down until he was sitting on the floor. He stuck his hand in his pocket and retrieved Aerith's picture. Tears were quick to spring to his eyes. He kept a straight face as they dripped down his cheeks. Reno couldn't figure out what Cloud was thinking, He knew what Leon had told the blonde and he had expected more hysterics. There was nothing but a quiet loathing.

The blonde didn't want Leon's help. He didn't want it since the beginning, but he wanted it even less now that he knew what he had caused. He felt he didn't deserve it. It was much easier to give in and go back to floating through life blissfully unaware of what day it was or what he was responsible for. The only problem was he knew things were different. He wouldn't be able to go through the motions like he had done before. He wouldn't forget. He couldn't forget. It was impossible. The images were seared into his mind and were never going to go away.

If he was to go back to the way things were before, where he was out of control, he didn't know what he'd do to himself. His rational thinking would fly out the window and all that would be left behind was his dead spirit and his regret. He doubted he would have the mind to stop from killing himself. He agreed with Leon that suicide was a coward's way to die, if only in reference to himself. Despite how he felt at that moment, he didn't want to be a coward. If he was to die, then he would accept it, but he couldn't see his rational self going out of his way to get it done. He sighed, wiping his face.

He flicked Aerith's picture to the side and let it flutter to the floor. He stared up at his ceiling, searching for answers that weren't there. He felt like he was walking through a void of white noise, lost, and without a guide. He had nothing. No home. No family. Nothing to look forward to. He didn't have the desire to make anything of himself and just wanted to crawl into a cave and never come out. He considered letting Leon do it all for him, since he was apparently so eager to start something. Whatever that something was had to have been better than what he had now, even if he was led to his death.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

Reno spent the majority of his evening watching Cloud wander around his room looking like a depressed slug. His movements were lethargic, his face was wet and dripping most of the time, and he just wasn't interesting anymore. The redhead felt bad that his friend's Charge was upset, but that was pretty much the end of his sympathy. Cloud could fall in a ditch and die for all Reno cared, but only if Leon didn't get upset about it. The brunette was already depressing enough, he could only imagine what his friend would be like if he actually _had_ a reason to be sad. The world would crumble, to be sure.

The redhead stayed up long enough to see Rude when he came home. It was crossing into the wee hours of the morning, and he was half asleep, but as soon as his Charge fumbled his way into the living room, he was wide awake again. Reno could see from across the living room that Rude was drunk. He couldn't walk straight, but was otherwise the same.

"Need help?" the Carrier asked with a tiny smile.

"Naaaaw," Rude drawled with a slur. He sidestepped in an effort to keep his balance but ended up whacking his knee on an end table. He grunted loudly and bent to hang onto the table for stability. Reno had to stifle a laugh.

"That sounded like it hurt."

"Yep," Rude said. The redhead went to him and welcomed himself to slipping an arm around his waist and helping to guide him towards the bedroom. Rude didn't smell like he was as sloshed as he was acting, but Reno had only seen his Charge inebriated a couple times before so he didn't really know if this was standard or not. Regardless, he was intent on helping, and let Rude droop most of his weight against his shoulders.

"Either I'm a wimp or you're fat because man you're heavy," Reno laughed, trudging them both along. He dropped Rude on his bed on his stomach and sat next to him. "Did you need anything?"

"Hnnf," Rude grunted into his comforter. He draped an arm over Reno's lap and gave his waist a half-assed hug. "Thanks."

"No problem. I think you should drink some water though, I'll go get you some," the redhead said and attempted to get up. Rude didn't let go of him though and kept him in place. He scooted closer and hugged his face into Reno's side. The Carrier, though thrilled with the affection, was skeptical of its worth. He tried to move away but Rude was persistent and held him.

"No," the Charge said.

"What are you doing?" Reno asked confusedly.

"Dunno."

"Well, let me up so I can get you some water."

"No."

"But you really sh—"

"Just stay for a minute," Rude said, significantly less slurred than before. Reno furrowed his brows. His Charge let go of him and crawled up to the head of his bed and lay on his side, his back to the redhead. The Carrier was thoroughly befuddled. He sat at the end of the bed and watched Rude with his hands folded in his lap

"What's wrong?" he asked. Rude stayed quiet, contemplating, for what seemed like forever. He eventually let out a long sigh and rubbed his eyes. Reno reached over and poked him in the leg. "Don't ignore me."

"I'm not. I'm trying to think of what to say."

"Well you can start by telling me why you're suddenly sober."

"'M not. Not completely."

"But you're alert."

"Yeah."

"Okay. I've run out of stuff to talk about. It's your turn," Reno said. Rude sighed again.

"I don't know what's wrong with me," he said, rolling over onto his other side. He pulled a pillow around to lay his face on while looking down the length of the bed at the Carrier.

"What can I do to help?"

"I don't know."

"Well… did you want to sleep on it? Maybe you'll know by morning."

"Maybe."

"I'll see you in the morning, then," Reno said, standing from the bed. He headed for the door.

"I called my parents," Rude blurted, sitting up.

Reno froze, his heart turning to ice. He looked over his shoulder at his Charge. "We're not supposed to do that. Did anyone see you?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

"What did they say?"

"Mom cried. Dad was… dad. He didn't say much but he sounded happy that I was okay. They asked when I was coming home."

"And?"

"I told them I didn't know."

"…Are you telling me you don't want to come with me now?"

Rude ignored the question and kept talking. "They told me Chelsea got married. They told me they thought I was dead. Everyone was moving on without me. I'm not sure if I should be relieved or hurt. I didn't get any indication that anyone tried to follow me once they knew I was leaving," he said. He folded his legs under himself. "I'm supposed to be an adult and move out of the nest, and that's all well and good, but when your family writes you off as a victim of an unfortunate circumstance so easily, it still sort of feels like you've been abandoned. Like I was put up for adoption and the government decided to scoop me up like some helpless waif and put me to work."

"That's not how it went though."

"I know. I was taken. But they didn't even try to fight to keep me, which is almost just as bad."

"Rude…"

"Sorry. I feel a little immature for feeling like this. And talking about it," the Charge said with a short laugh. "I'm still following you. I don't plan on going back."

"Thank you," Reno said with a sigh of relief.

"I understand that I'll have stuff to do over there and that it's all good but… am I able to have a life there? Like, am I allowed to have a family?"

"You can have whatever you want," Reno said with a forced smile. _Even if it's without me._

"Oh," Rude said, looking down at his hands. "There aren't any restrictions?"

"So long as you do the work that's assigned to you and you follow the law, there isn't anything you can't have."

"But what about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"What will you do?"

"My work," Reno deadpanned.

"…You don't want a family?"

"My work is my family. It's hard to explain without showing you, but the whole purpose is to have as many siblings as I can."

"Siblings are fine but what about the rest of the family? Like kids and whatever?"

Reno hesitated. Arguably, he would eventually be able to have children, with or without Rude. They just wouldn't be human. But he knew his Charge wouldn't understand that, and knew he was talking about the human kind, and having a partner, and living normally, but it was hard to tell his story without making Rude feel guilty for not having a relationship with him. "I have a different set of rules I have to live by. My work is my family. That's… really all I can have."

"So wait… you can or can't get married and have kids and a life?"

"…You're making this really difficult. I ca—" Reno trailed and stopped himself. He heaved a heavy sigh. "Where I come from, I'm not seen as a person. I am a thing. An object. Like a house plant. People take care of the plants, but they can't go out and have lives of their own. All they do if make more of themselves, and so long as they have everything they need, they'll keep doing it for as long as they're able to. You can't marry a house plant, Rude. Kids are a little more technical but I can't have anything outside of my family, because we just don't mesh. Like a plant, I can only have what relates to me. It's sort of a short list."

Rude furrowed his brows a bit in thought. "But… I remember Leon saying Cloud was his family. Is that just a Leon thing or would I be considered part of your family too?"

"You can if you want to be. Leon isn't really giving Cloud that choice, I don't think," Reno said with a tiny smirk.

"But if it's not me, then what are your choices? Do they expect you to have a relationship with your sisters?" Rude asked, scowling a bit. Reno quickly shook his head with a disgruntled face.

"Ew, no way. I'll pass up fucking my sister, thanks. And my brothers for that matter. Cousins too."

"So if you can't have anyone outside your family, and you're (thankfully) not into incest… then I would be your only option. Right?"

"You make it sound like I'd be settling for you," Reno clipped. "I was trying my hardest to not tell you all of this, you know. It's really not a big deal. I'll figure out what to do with myself eventually."

"So that's what you meant by that."

"…Yeah. Don't worry about it though. Seriously. I have cousins and stuff already so it's not like I'm completely alone and isolated."

"It's not the same."

"I'll be fine," the redhead lied.

"It's still not the same," Rude insisted, scooting off the bed.

"I don't see what difference it makes," Reno said; another lie. His pulse sped up as his Charge came towards him. Rude approached him and was quick to pull him into a tight hug.

"You deserve better," he muttered. The redhead nudged him back enough to see his face. He frowned.

"What do you mean? I'm the one who picked you, dumbass."

"Well it's true," Rude said, backing away. "You don't deserve to be by yourself, Reno. You care way too much about everyone else, sometimes at your own expense. Someone like that deserves everything the world can give them. You're my _best_ friend and I care about you a lot but…" he trailed with a defeated sigh.

"If you have to force yourself, I don't want it. I've said it a dozen times already, I don't want to force you into do something you don't want to do."

"I don't want to be the cause of your unhappiness."

"Who said I'm unhappy?"

"Even if you're happy now, in the long run—"

"Stop it," Reno said, holding up a hand to stop any further argument. "Don't worry about me. You're already doing more than enough. Just get some sleep and we can talk again in the morning if you want to."

"But—"

"Stop. Just… drop it, okay?"

"But—"

"Good night Rude," Reno said, backing out of the room and pulling the door closed behind him. He didn't know what Rude was getting at with being so persistent, but all he could focus on was how empty his chest felt. The reaffirmation of Rude's rejection wasn't what he had expected that evening, and he was wholly unprepared for it. He sighed heavily and headed for his bedroom.

* * *

Sleep did little for Cloud's mood. He felt like he had five hundred pounds of weight hanging off his limbs and sitting on his shoulders. He got himself ready for the day, but wondered what the point was the entire time. He lay on his bed after he got dressed and tried to think of something that was worth paying attention to. After twenty minutes, he couldn't think of anything. He ended up crawling back under the covers and sleeping for another two hours. When he woke up _again_ , he still didn't care enough to get out of bed. He stayed there until well after lunchtime but got up when there was a knock on his door. Reno and Rude were on the other side, looking expectant. But of course Cloud only recognized Reno.

"Time to get up and join society, kid. Are you going to go downstairs and do your job?"

"Hadn't planned on it."

"Oh? Who gave you that decision?"

"You did when you said Rufus was going to replace me. Why should I give a damn?"

"You're not worried you might get some sort of punishment?"

"I don't care," Cloud said gruffly, leaning against his door for support. He hadn't had his Mako for the day yet, and he was hurting.

"Well that's stupid. You should," Reno said.

"Yeah, well, I don't. So goodbye," the blonde said, closing the door in the other's face. The redhead let out a frustrated huff and stomped away with Rude following after him closely. Cloud went back to his bed with a sigh. In truth, he was a bit bothered by being replaced, but the pros of not having to interrogate Leon again outweighed the cons of being punished by a wide margin. He pushed the meager worries aside in favor of trying to think of what he was going to do. Leon's offer of a better life lingered in the background of his thoughts, but his doubts kept him in his bed, away from discussing it further with anyone.

He stayed isolated from everything for as long as he could. It was just around dinner time when he started to feel like his withdrawal was creeping in, so he forced himself to go to the infirmary for his ration of Mako. He got himself something to eat afterward and tromped back up to his room. No one bothered him after Reno's visit. He didn't talk to anyone else, and Rufus didn't try to confront him. It was as comforting as it was unsettling. When it was well into the evening, he was able to sleep again, though it was fitful and unsatisfying.

The next day was more of the same. He stayed by himself, brooding and being depressed, only taking the time to go down and eat something and get his Mako ration. He wasn't sure what his fate was, and his mindset wasn't leaving him with much optimism. He figured he would just roll with the punches and take whatever was coming to him. There wasn't much else he could do if no one was making an effort to contact him. He didn't have any new orders, he didn't have any direction, and by the third day of solitude, he was wondering if he had been left behind.

But he hadn't. Four days after his talk with Leon, Cloud decided he needed to finally find some answers. He took his Mako and ate some breakfast before he wandered around the facility trying to find someone worth talking to. He was surprised to see a few extra faces around that he hadn't noticed before. It seemed a little bit more crowded than normal, even if the population was pretty sparse to begin with. But he pushed it aside, figuring he just hadn't noticed before. But a very big detail stuck out when he found himself in the lobby. He squinted and tried to see if he was seeing things, his mind running through just about every explanation as to why that person would be there.

It was Sephiroth. He was having a jovial conversation with Rufus Shinra, the two of them laughing and carrying on together like a couple of old pals. Rufus' guards, including Reno and Rude, milled around behind him warily watching the silver haired general for any sort of misconduct. Cloud was uneasy, but approached the group anyway for the sake of understanding. Reno noticed the blonde coming and broke apart from everyone else to stop him halfway. He wasn't happy and roughly grabbed fistfuls of Cloud's shirt and pulled their faces close with an angry sneer peeking through his lips.

"If anything happens to Squall while this disgusting fuck is here, I swear on _everything_ I have that I will personally see to it your intestines are pulled out through your nose. Do I make myself clear?" he growled in a low tone so only Cloud could hear. The blonde raised a brow, thoroughly confused.

"What?"

"Sephiroth is your replacement, jackass. What, did you think they'd chance failure again with another piece of shit soldier like you? If Sephiroth gets in there and Squall spills something too easily, it's your ass on the line too, you know. It shows you weren't trying hard enough. I hope you enjoy a six foot hole. That's what your life is worth to Mr. Shinra right now. You either take Squall out of here and leave, or you're both dead. Do you understand?"

"Not really, no. They're going to kill me just because that prick won't say anything?"

"If Sephiroth can get something out of him, then you need to worry about it, yeah. You were a big waste of money. You've cost more than what Rufus thinks you're worth. Deal with it. Keep Squall safe so he doesn't break apart and spill something for your own sake."

"You said I wouldn't get anything out of him though."

"He doesn't have much if he has anything, but that doesn't mean he won't make something up to make the pain stop."

"What pain? Aside from that thing on his face, he seemed fine. You make it sound like he's a little kid," Cloud said confusedly. Reno scowled and huffed a little.

"Listen, just do yourself a favor and keep him safe."

"You assume I give a shit about him."

"You should. He's your ticket out of this sludge pit you call a home."

"Fuck you," Cloud spat with furrowed brows. He walked past the fuming Reno, purposefully bumping against him. The redhead glared at his back as it headed away and towards Sephiroth and Rufus.

"There you are," Mr. Shinra said, prompting the General to look behind himself. His eyes were alight with mischievous fire and his face split into a grin.

"I hear you're having problems. Virgin jitters? It's okay. I'm here to help," he said coolly. Cloud scowled.

"What?" he asked, sounding put off. Sephiroth stepped to him and snaked an arm around his shoulders and leaned against him.

"You're new to this, yeah? I'd understand a bit of performance anxiety. I'll show you the ropes. No worries. I've got your back, good buddy. We'll make this faggot squeal like a little girl by day's end."

"Uh… okay?" the blonde said with uncertainty. Sephiroth started walking, pulling Cloud along with him, towards the elevator. _Did he always act like this_? He asked himself.

"Don't sound so nervous. Everyone gets a bit shy in the beginning," the General assured, ushering them into the elevator and pressing the button to close the door before anyone else could join them. The atmosphere between them was awkward for Cloud. He couldn't remember if Sephiroth had been that weird previously or if he had just been too blasted to understand differently. However he felt didn't seem to matter to the other, because he chuckled a bit. "So how far did you get?"

"What do you mean?"

"How far did you go? Did you smack him around and intimidate him?"

"I don't have anything to show for it, so I guess I didn't get very far," Cloud said. He couldn't account for all of his time spent at the facility, so he couldn't say one way or the other what he had and hadn't done already. The more he thought about it, the more it worried him. He wondered if Leon's story about how he got his face cut was true, and if it wasn't, why the brunette bothered to lie to him about it.

"Well, it's alright. Sometimes you need to get a little rough to get the point across. I remember, this one time, I had to bend someone over and really bring home who was in charge. If you get what I'm saying. He ended up _crying_ like a bitch and spilled everything afterward, so it was a success."

"…Wait. _He_?" Cloud asked, raising a brow with a bit of a disgusted look. Sephiroth shrugged.

"It wasn't like I was getting married to the guy. I just had a job to do. No big."

"But… other soldiers get discharged for that shit."

"Soldiers. I'm an officer."

"So that makes it okay to fuck dudes? All it takes is a rank and you can be gay?" Cloud asked. Sephiroth's expression turned from nonchalant to murderous in less than a second and he rushed the blonde, shoving him back against the wall of the elevator and held him in place by his throat. The blonde choked and squeaked out a breath, grabbing on the General's wrist in a futile attempt to get him to let up.

"What did you call me?" Sephiroth spat in his face. Cloud coughed and started struggling. His face started turning red and the other held him for a few more seconds to let him suffer before letting go and dropping the blonde on the floor. Cloud sucked a huge gulp of hair back into his lungs and coughed against his irritated windpipe. "That's what I thought."

 _This guy is insane…_ the blonde thought as he stood again. "So is that your tactic for making this guy talk, then?" Cloud asked hoarsely. Sephiroth shrugged.

"If it comes to that."

"I don't want to be there for it."

"Too fucking bad. You have to learn how to do this properly. You have to do what it takes to get what we need for our country."

 _Gay for the country. Right. Whatever. Disgusting fuck._ The elevator stopped at the bottom floor where Leon's cell was located. Sephiroth stepped out and in front of the guards that manned the post outside the entrance to the block.

"Go do something else for an hour," he ordered flatly. The guards exchanged a look with one another. Cloud was immediately skeptical and stared at the back of Sephiroth's head with a deep frown.

"But Sir, we're assign—"

"Do I look like I give a damn? Do as I say. Go somewhere else," the General said. The guards hesitated for a moment before leaving quietly. Cloud crossed his arms over his chest.

"Why do they need to leave?" he asked when they were gone.

"Not everyone is as understanding of my methods as you are."

"I wonder why," Cloud said sarcastically. They headed down the hall and stopped in front of Leon's cell.

"Do you have a key to this?"

"No, I just leave it unlocked when I'm in there."

"And he hasn't tried to escape?"

"Nope."

"Idiot," Sephiroth sighed with a short laugh. He unlatched the door and pushed it open. Cloud followed in after him and closed it again.

Leon was starting to lose hope. He hadn't seen Cloud in days and Reno's infrequent visits weren't helping him stay mentally afloat. He startled when his door abruptly opened. He sat up quickly, expecting to see Cloud come in, but his heart sank into his stomach when he saw Sephiroth. His Charge followed the General in quickly, but it did nothing to lift his spirits. His eyes were drawn to sheath at Sephiroth's side. Bringing a sword into a prison cell couldn't possibly have meant they were going to have fun. That, and the fact that the General's eyes were glowing really solidified the fact that Leon was completely screwed. The only sort of solace he found was in Cloud's expression. He didn't seem to be very pleased to be there.

"My name is General Strahl. I'm here to get what we brought you here for," Sephiroth said, standing confidently in front of the Carrier with his arms crossed over his chest. Leon raised a brow, the skin around his cut resisting.

"And that is?" he asked.

"Information."

"Oh. I don't have anything to say to you."

"To me? So you'll talk to him?" Sephiroth asked, pointing a thumb over his shoulder at Cloud who was leaning against the wall behind him. The blonde wasn't making eye contact with anyone and was blankly staring at the floor.

"Yes," Leon said. The General looked at the blonde.

"Well?"

"He doesn't have anything to talk about," Cloud said. Sephiroth scowled.

"He just said he'd talk to you."

"He already has. We can't use any of it."

"Oh. Well what did he say?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Confessions of a bleeding heart?"

"Just stupid shit."

"Same thing," Sephiroth said with a shrug, turning back to Leon. He smiled. "No talking?"

"No."

"Good. Then I don't need to waste the energy trying to get you to. We can skip right to the force," the other said snidely. Leon furrowed his brows. Sephiroth closed the slight distance between him and the bed and reached for the Carrier. Leon quickly scooted away as far as he could, which only gave the General the space he needed to get on the mattress with him. The brunette's heart rate skyrocketed. Sephiroth grabbed his ankles and backed away, dragging him down the bed. Leon tried to grab the mattress and pull himself away but he was surprised by how much stronger Sephiroth was than him. It didn't help his fear in the least.

"You were really serious about this, weren't you?" Cloud asked, eyeing Sephiroth warily. The General laughed as he grabbed Leon by the hem of his pants and yanked him onto all fours. With the extra leverage, the brunette was able to kick backwards into Sephiroth's thigh. The General laughed and grabbed his foot again and planted it to the bed. He laid his knees over Leon's calves to keep him in place and rubbed his pelvis against his backside.

"I don't talk about things I'm not prepared to go through with," Sephiroth said, taking a second to undo his belt and pull it from his pant loops. He dropped it on the floor, the buckle clinking loudly. Leon's mind flew into a panic and he tried to yank his legs from under the General's weight but couldn't get any headway. The only thing he could manage to do was lay flat on his stomach, but that wasn't much help. Sephiroth pulled him back into place by his hips.

 _This isn't right_ , Cloud thought as he watched Leon's struggling. Sephiroth reached around and slid his hands down Leon's chest and stomach until he got to the front of his pants. He was quick to undo the zipper and buttons and snake his fingers underneath them. Leon shivered in revulsion when he felt the General's icy hands on him. He glanced at Cloud, who was watching carefully, but with a disturbed crease in his brow. They held eye contact for a few seconds before Sephiroth gave Leon a rough squeeze that made him grunt and bury his face in his mattress in shame.

 _Don't watch_ … Leon begged his Charge. Cloud was having a bout of mental conflict. He knew what he was seeing wasn't okay and that he didn't like it. He didn't like Leon either, but their conversation from a few days prior was ringing in the back of his head like a bell of clarity. He also agreed with Reno, though it was hard for his pride to admit it. Leon hadn't done anything but show him the truth. Even if the brunette was an ass, it was no different than anyone else the blonde had encountered in the military, so he couldn't understand why it bothered him so much. Regardless, Cloud could dislike Leon easily enough, but he didn't feel the Carrier deserved what was coming to him; that, and he felt it was just plain disgusting.

He couldn't decide what to do. He wanted it to stop and for Sephiroth to back off, but acting out would surely bring about some bloody consequences. Sephiroth wasn't one for restraint or leniency. But as Leon's pants were dropping and the General's opening, the blonde just couldn't stand it anymore. He didn't like his life and wanted it to change. He wanted to get away from people like Sephiroth and be _normal_ , possibly even _liked_. He didn't want to stay cooped up where he was and travel down the militant path to psychosis. He just hoped Leon was sincere in his claims.

Sephiroth's belt was the closest thing to a weapon Cloud had on him. He quietly picked it up and looped the end though the buckle to create a makeshift noose. He waited for the next time Sephiroth leaned back to reposition himself. When the General pulled back again and let out a long pleased exhale, the blonde was quick to loop the belt around his neck and pull so it tightened. Sephiroth let out a squeaky surprised gasp as his airway halted for a second. Cloud put his foot on the man's back and pushed him forward while pulling back on the belt. Sephiroth tried to twist around to face the blonde but Cloud kept him facing away from him with his foot and turning with him.

Leon couldn't believe what was happening. Sephiroth's distraction allowed enough let up for him to pull his legs out from under the other's knees. He quickly scrambled away and pulled his pants back into place. Once he was out of the way, Cloud all but tackled the General onto the bed and sat on his back, pinning him in place and keeping the belt taught. Sephiroth gasped and choked while trying to push himself up again but he was fading fast with all the energy he was expelling. Leon watched with a racing heart as the General slowly lost consciousness and went still. Cloud dove off the bed and hurried over to the door to open it. He grabbed Leon's hand and yanked him out into the hall with him and latched the cell closed.

"What the fuck did I just do? I'm going to be killed," the blonde gasped, backing away from the door. Leon stared at him with fascinated disbelief.

"What changed? Why did you help me?" he asked. Cloud glanced at him and shook his head.

"I don't work for faggots. Come on," the blonde said and headed down the hall towards the elevator. Leon glanced at the door to his cell before following after him.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"We're leaving. Unless you want to die."

"No, that's okay. Do you have a way to get us out?"

"I have a motorcycle."

"Oh. I didn't know you brought it with you."

"…Did I tell you about it?"

"No, I just know things," Leon said nonchalantly. Cloud stopped and gave him a sideways glare.

"You're going to explain that to me, right? How you know all this shit about me?"

"Yes. Just not right this second."

"Fine," the blonde grumped and jammed his finger into the elevator button. His mind was a jumble of thoughts and 'maybes.' He was trying to think through it all and focus on one clear line but the outside influences and the underlying feeling of dread was picking at him. He kept glancing through the entryway into the cell block, back at Leon's door, making sure all remained quiet.

There was a loud bang that thundered down the hall, making them both startle and cry out. Sephiroth was awake again and trying to break the cell door down from the inside. Another bang. Then another. And then another. There was a brief period of silence before the elevator door dinged and opened for them. They both hurried inside, running into a couple of other people that were already inside. It was Reno and Rude. No one had a chance to say anything though, as their attention was pulled back to the hallway where there was a high pitched squeal of metal on metal. Sephrioth's sword was sticking out of the door into the hall. He started pulling it down, slicing through the metal door with only marginal difficulty, peeling it open like a can of soup. The elevator doors closed and it started to rise before he could get into the hallway.

"Holy fuck!" Reno blurted when they were alone, throwing his arms around Leon and squeezing the life from him. Rude eyed Cloud suspiciously.

"Let go," Leon strained, shoving at the redhead. Reno released him with a wide grin.

"I'm so happy you're okay! Oh god, I almost peed myself," he blabbed. Leon raised a brow at him.

"We're not safe yet," he said. Reno forced himself to calm down and be a bit more serious.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Us," Rude corrected. Reno smiled at him.

"What do you need _us_ to do?"

"Get us to the garage," Cloud said.

"Right," Leon agreed. Then an abrupt thought crashed into his head, forcing him to reconsider. "Wait. We can't leave yet."

"Oh fuck off. Don't even say that to me. Do you realize how quickly we're going to die if we don't leave _now_?" Cloud barked.

"No no, someone came here with me. Irvine. I completely forgot about him," Leon said, an overwhelming feeling of guilt washing over him. Reno patted him on the shoulder.

"Rude and I can help you guys get out and then help your friend. We're not leaving right after you so we should have time. As far as I'm aware, there's only like… three other prisoners here other than you so it shouldn't be too hard to find him," the redhead said.

"You're sure?"

"We'll try," Rude said. Leon was still unsure but couldn't let himself get hung up on anything but escaping. The elevator stopped and Reno and Rude shoved Leon and Cloud up against the sides of the tiny box to keep them out of sight. The redhead peeked into the hall to make sure the coast was clear before hurrying out and looking around some more.

"Okay," he said and everyone else filed out.

"Where are we going?" Cloud asked. Reno looked thoughtful for a moment.

"We're right underneath the Mako reactor where the engineers come to work. Rude and I come here to get a refill for our fuel cells for the helicopters. Uh…" Reno trailed, thinking.

"Transport case, maybe," Rude said. The redhead smiled at him again.

"You're so smart. Wait here with them, I'll be right back," he said, taking off down the hall through a pair of double doors.

"There's Mako down here?" Cloud asked. Leon glared at him.

"Don't even think about it. You are staying in your right mind when you're around me."

"And if I have to stand up to a bunch of guys with swords that _are_ on Mako? What then? Is your pansy ass going to help us any?"

"Yeah. It just might. You don't need Mako to drive, asshole. Worry about that first before you worry about getting your fix," Leon spat.

"I'm not worried about a 'fix.' I'm worried about getting killed. There is a _huge_ difference."

"Both of you shut up before we're all killed," Rude grumped. Leon and Cloud both crossed their arms over their chests and turned away from one another like a couple of children. Rude sighed and shook his head. Reno remerged from down the hall shortly thereafter, pulling a cart behind himself that held a large crate. He stopped at the group and Rude helped him open it. Two large cylindrical canisters were inside. The redhead hefted one out and set it aside in the hall. Rude picked up the other one and did the same.

"Okay, get in," Reno said.

"We're not both going to fit in there…" Cloud trailed warily. The redhead grinned at him.

"You will if you get real cozy. Hurry up!"

"God fucking damn it," Leon grumbled to himself, stepping into the crate and laying on his side, pressing his back against one of the sides as flat his he could. Rude shoved Cloud towards the box and the blonde angrily stared at Reno for a moment before sighing and wedging himself in it as well. Leon grunted uncomfortably and adjusted his positioning so Cloud wasn't completely smashing everything important on him. Cloud glared ahead of himself at the crate wall. Reno giggled.

"I should get a camera. This is cute," he said to himself, moving to lift the top of the box back into place. "And away we go," he twittered, pulling the cart along back towards the elevator.

"I'll hide the fuel cells," Rude volunteered.

"Meet you downstairs then," Reno said.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

"Get your dick off my ass."

"I would like to, but your ass is too fat and my dick is entirely too huge. The circumstances aren't the best for their parting of ways, I'm sorry."

"You're so disgusting."

"No, I'm just sarcastic. In all seriousness, if I had room, I would move."

"Why don't I believe you? I think you like this."

"Is that an invitation? Am I allowed to like it? Is that what you want?"

"Augh! No! Shut up."

"Whatever you say," Leon chuckled. Their makeshift transportation bumped over a threshold between two areas, making both Charge and Carrier startle and gasp. Cloud let out a long sigh followed by an annoyed grumble. The brunette could practically hear his heartbeat reverberating off the walls of the crate."Nervous?"

"Shut up."

"We'll be alright."

"Shut up."

Leon sighed. "I'm just trying to help."

"Just shut up. That'd be the biggest help."

Leon kept his mouth shut. Part of him wanted to argue and rip into his Charge for being such a bastard, but he pushed the pettiness aside. Cloud was scared, and rightfully so. The brunette was nervous, but not genuinely frightened yet. He trusted Reno to get them to where they needed to go. Once they were there, Leon would focus on trying to leave without getting caught and _then_ he could be scared. But until that point, he was determined to be the stronger one of the pair. He didn't know how close they were to their destination, but the longer they traveled, the more voices he could make out. People were in a panic as far as he could tell.

"Reno!" Rufus barked as Elena wheeled him across the main lobby. Reno stopped to pay attention. "Where is Rude?"

"Uh… I dunno. Bathroom? He said he'd be right back. That's was hardly a couple minutes ago. Why? What's up?" the redhead replied.

"We've had a breech. That useless boy you had me bring here decided he needed to go on some sort of…" Rufus trailed, attempting to think of the words. "Magical homosexual journey with the prisoner and ran off with him!"

Reno laughed. "Is that so?" Cloud let out an audible grunt of unhappiness and Leon patted his shoulder with a quiet shush.

"This isn't funny!"

"No, it isn't. But the way you said it was. What did you need me to do?"

"General Strahl is already tearing the facility apart with his men so finish whatever you're doing and join him. They couldn't have gotten far, and if they manage to escape, they'll die of exposure in the desert. It's not an emergency situation, but it needs to be rectified one way or another. _You_ need to rectify it. This is your fault, you know."

"Yes sir."

"My biggest concern is the report leaking to the higher ups. I don't need this in the records making me look like a fool. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir."

"And tell Rude to get moving too."

"Yes sir. Though… wasn't General Strahl down there with them? How did they manage to escape with him _right there_?" Reno asked confusedly. Rufus motioned for Elena to move him closer and the redhead leaned down to hear.

"That bumbling idiot's father may have been a stellar officer, but the only thing that boy is good for is destruction. I don't know how it happened, and I don't care, but it almost doesn't surprise me that he botched this up. He botched Nibelheim too."

"Nibelheim?"

"They sent him over there to control the situation with the public, and instead that ignoramus incites a riot and practically destroys the entire town in one fell swoop. It'll take me _years_ to clear the wreckage so I can get my Mako reactor in there."

"No shit. Wow," Reno said thoughtfully, standing straight again.

"He's slipping. If he keeps going at the rate he is, he'll be either dead or fired within a year."

"Have they found anyone to take his place?"

"Probably. I don't care. Just find the prisoner and his gay friend and either kill them or chase them into the elements. I'm washing my hands with this. I'm disappointed in you and your judgment."

"I apologize."

"I hope this doesn't come back to bite me, Reno. I'm already docking your pay for all the wasted resources we've burned through. If this ends badly for my company, then there will be much more trouble ahead for you."

"I understand."

"You're excused," Rufus said. Elena took that as a hint to leave and pushed her boss back towards the elevator. Reno let out a long relieved sigh and started walking again.

It took the redhead another fifteen minutes to finally get all the way to the garage. All the while, Leon and Cloud stayed as quiet as they possibly could. Every bump, every jitter, every turn, made them hold their breaths and have goosebumps break out over their arms. As they grew closer to the exits and possible means of escape, the commotion around them in the halls grew as the density of people increased. There was a loud bang of something metal and heavy tipping over in an echoing space.

"Sir, you're not going to find him by destroying everything in here," a soldier said calmly.

"Fuck off! I _will_ find him, and I _will_ put his head on my wall! And you know what I might do afterwards, hmm? I might just stuff my dick in his eye socket and _fuck_ his _fucking_ soul! Don't tell me how to run my operation, whelp! Unless, of course, you want your soul to be my plaything too!" Sephiroth roared.

"You have such awesome friends," Leon murmured quietly. Cloud let out another sigh and thumped his head against the side of the crate lightly.

"No sir," the soldier mumbled. Sephiroth returned to his rage filled rampage, tearing through boxes and boxes of supplies, tools, expensive instruments, and various machine related fluids. Reno kept on his merry way like he hadn't even noticed the General there. Sephiroth was making such a racket with so much echoing that no one could hear the wheels of Reno's cart scooting over the concrete of the garage floor. Cloud knew where they were and was trying his hardest to remember how he got in the garage with his motorcycle when he first arrived to the facility. He and Leon could surely escape the same way.

" _You!_ " Sephiroth barked, stomping his way towards them.

"Yeah?" Reno asked innocently. Leon could feel Cloud's breathing speed up. Putting his animosity aside, he patted the blonde's arm and tried to reassure him. His own hands started to sweat from the nervousness. A foot suddenly collided with the side of the crate, rocking them roughly.

"What's in here?" Sephiroth asked impatiently. Reno quickly shoved him away.

"Are you fucking insane? They're fuel cells! Kicking them around like that could rupture them and we'd both get splattered on the wall!" the redhead chided.

"Open it."

"Fuck you. Stupid git like you wouldn't even know what you're fucking looking at."

"Watch your mouth. Don't talk to your superiors like that."

"You're my superior now?" Reno questioned. "I was under the impression I worked for Rufus Shinra."

"Shinra is a tool for _my_ superiors to use. That makes me your superior by proxy. Open the fucking box."

"Get the mechanic's clearance and I'll open everything you want me to. I'm not going to let you fucking rip through this thing trying to find your blonde masturbation fodder and get killed because you don't know how to treat pressure sensitive equipment."

"What did you say to me?" Sephiroth asked venomously. He loomed over Reno with a threatening look in his eye.

"I think you're late to your salon visit. Wouldn't want to miss that perm," the redhead said snidely.

"You looking to die?"

"I die and Shinra sends you back to the pit you crawled out of. Don't know how your superiors would like having their tool shut them out of his operations," Reno said flippantly. Sephiroth's eyes narrowed and he took a step back. The redhead's bravado was cut short when the General reared back and punched the Carrier square in the jaw. Reno barked out a startled yell and faltered, but didn't fall. Biting through the pain in his face, he gently felt the abused area to see if anything was bleeding or loose but his hand came back clean. Sephiroth was surprised when Reno stood straight again with a wide smile. "I'm beginning to understand how they got away so easily."

"Oh yeah? Just because you can take a punch doesn't mean I still can't maim you."

"Oh I think it does. If you could, you would've done it already. I saw you stab that cell door with your sword. I wonder where that strength went."

"You saw that? So you saw the prisoner escaping?" Sephiroth asked suspiciously.

"I came down the elevator. He must have taken the stairs."

"You're fucking useless. I hope Shinra knows you let them escape."

"Me? What about you?" Reno asked with a laugh. He shook his head and waved a dismissive hand. "You're losing your edge, pal. I'm taking my fuel cells up to the helipad. Then I'll find the prisoner before you do," he added, heading away from the fuming General, pulling the cart along with him. Sephiroth watched him leave with vengeful fire in his eyes, but he didn't go after the redhead. Once Reno was able to wheel the cart into a lift he let out a loud groan and rubbed his face. The lift would take them to the roof of the facility. "We're alone," he said, knocking on the crate a bit.

"Does that mean we can get out now?" Leon asked.

"No, we're not safe yet, but I just wanted to let you know that my face is going to have the _biggest_ bruise of my life. I hope you know how much I love you."

"I'll thank your face later," the brunette said.

"You're both disgusting," Cloud said.

"Brotherly love isn't disgusting," Reno said haughtily.

"I think it's more involved than that," the blonde retorted.

"Whatever you fantasize about he and I is your own business, goldilocks. Just don't tell us about it afterward," Reno teased. Cloud furrowed his brows angrily and shoved his arm and his leg against the lid of the crate, attempting to get out and beat the redhead's face in. The buckles keeping the box closed prevented him from getting very far, but it made Reno laugh. Leon let out a yelp and pressed his forehead into Cloud's back as the blonde's leg came down and squashed his testicles.

"Cloud. You're on my balls. Please get off them. They're important to me."

"Get your dick off my ass and we wouldn't have this problem," Cloud said, shifting around to his original position. Reno snorted, stifling a laugh in the back of his throat.

"If this is how it's going to be between you two, I should really follow you both around with a video camera. The internet would love it," the redhead said.

"Shut up, Reno," Leon groaned, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth.

"Okay okay, shush. We're almost there," Reno said. Less than thirty seconds later, the lift stopped and the doors popped open. The redhead pulled the cart into the open air, humming a bit of a tune. There were hardly any people up on the top of the building. It was a wide open space with no railings and two helicopters. Reno rolled the crate over to one of the machines and unclipped the fastenings that kept it locked to the cart. With a bit of difficulty because of the awkward shape, he managed to heft the box into the back of the helicopter. Leon and Cloud were a bit dumbfounded, the blonde especially. It took the brunette a moment to remember that Reno's Totem was a lot bigger than his.

"The fuck?" Cloud asked quietly.

"You'll understand later," Leon responded. The crate was set down with a heavy thud and Reno pushed it as far into the back as he could.

"Okay, you guys. There's a ladder in the corner that goes all the way to the ground and dumps you by one of the doors. You can do what you need to once you get down there, but you need to hurry and do it. I'm going to try and get everyone up here to follow me so you can get away," Reno explained.

"Be careful," Leon said.

"I'll be fine," Reno assured, reaching over and unlatching the crate. He hurried out of the helicopter and stuck two fingers in his mouth and whistled. The few mechanics that were milling around stopped and looked to him. "Hey you guys, Mr. Shinra wants us to help search for someone. Come on!" he called to them, heading for the lift. They all let out a collective grumble and set their tools down, reluctantly following after him.

"Think it's safe?" Cloud asked once everything fell quiet.

"Only one way to find out," Leon said. The blonde pushed the lid of the crate up. He hefted a leg over the edge and rolled himself out of it, his stiff joints protesting against the activity. Leon did the same thing and groaned a bit as he made sure his testicles were still where they should be. Cloud peeked out of the helicopter and looked around.

"I think we're okay," he whispered. He stepped out onto the helipad and shaded his eyes with his hand. Leon followed after him and looked around for the ladder. He could see the rails sticking up over the edge and he tugged Cloud's shirt, beckoning him to follow. He looked over the edge of the building to make sure the coast was clear before he slung himself over the side and started to descend.

When they reached the bottom, they could hear conversations on the other side of the door that lead back into the garage. Soldiers were yelling out commands to one another as they searched every inch of anything they can find. If it was big enough to hold a child, it was picked through. Leon and Cloud scooted around the corner and waited for the crowd to disperse. It was sweltering outside and the Carrier noticed within minutes how much it was starting to affect his Charge. Cloud had sweat dripping down his face and his skin was getting a bit red. Leon undid his jacket and draped it over the blonde's face and shoulders.

"The fuck?" Cloud spat, trying to bat him away.

"Shut up, you're going to fry out here if you don't stay covered."

"Yeah? And what about you?"

"My skin doesn't burn like yours does. I couldn't get it to if I tried," the brunette muttered, going to peek around the wall again. He snuck over to the door again and pressed his ear to it. There were voices still, but they were faint. He was fairly confident they were a fair distance away and tried the door handle. It was locked. "Fuck," Leon sighed.

"What is it?" Cloud asked abruptly from directly behind him. Leon snorted in surprise and turned around with wide eyes.

"Don't fucking sneak up on me like that!" the Carrier whispered angrily. Cloud ignored him.

"It's locked?"

"Yes."

"Okay," the blonde said, patting his pockets. He retrieved his pocket knife and jammed it into the lock on the door.

"Wait a second," Leon grumbled. "You had that thing the entire time? Where was it when Sephiroth was getting all gropey?"

"I'm not willing to kill someone for you. Stopping him from raping you is different," Cloud explained simply. The Carrier furrowed his brows, almost insulted. He couldn't understand why, though. He supposed it was because his Charge didn't value his life over Sephiroth's even though he knew he couldn't expect that much yet. But that didn't help him understand the blonde's reasoning any more.

After fiddling the knife around in the lock as if it was cheap and easy to pick, Cloud let out a frustrated huff and stopped, glaring at the knob. Leon nudged him to the side and took his fist and tapped the knife further inward. He then twisted it around, breaking up the mechanics of the lock and using the mangled blade to yank most of the wreckage out. Cloud watched the show of force with quiet fascination. Once he was finished, Leon tossed the useless blade away and opened the door. He was halfway expecting someone to be on the other side staring at them but he was relieved when he was presented with an empty entryway with only a few voices echoing in the distance. Most of the containers and storage areas in the entryway had been turned over, making the floor a complete mess.

"Where to?" Leon asked quietly. Cloud pushed past him and scooted into the garage. The brunette followed close behind. The blonde pulled the other's jacket off himself and tossed it over his shoulder, smacking Leon in the face with it. The Carrier fought off every urge to kick his Charge in the shin and just put it back on.

The entryway was essentially a room made of a few closets and a half wall enclosing them. It was otherwise open and dumped out into the enormous garage proper that housed several oversized combat vehicles, and a bevy of smaller individual transport mediums. There was a line of Fenrirs at the head of the garage, all in a neat row and facing the large doors that opened up out into the desert. Other than that and walls of cabinets for tools and storage, there wasn't much else in there. Leon and Cloud crouched down behind the half wall that made the entryway and tried to take in as much as they could, figuring out where the people were and what they were doing.

"That hair is like a fucking beacon in the dark. You'll stand up and they'll be like 'Hey! Look! It's a blonde flag pole. Must be them,'" Leon muttered quietly, noting how Cloud's hair stuck up over the partition. The blonde scowled.

"My hair is awesome, shut up."

"It's a weapon. You're going to poke someone's eye out."

"Do you want to get out of here or not? I can leave you behind."

"Just don't get me killed in the process."

"Keep fucking talking and I might just kill you myself."

"So sassy," Leon said, shoving Cloud towards the opening leading out into the main area. The blonde glared at the brunette over his shoulder but shuffled out into the garage. Leon had to question the functionality of some of Midgar's machinery. All of it was huge and solid, but from a practicality standpoint, they didn't make much sense. They all seemed like they could pack on the firepower and blow things up accordingly, but they would do so at a snail's pace with their weight. The Fenrir's being the only acceptation since Leon had seen them move and knew otherwise. The rest of it looked scary but that was about it.

The best uses for the machines though, were hiding spots. Some of the wheels on the armored vehicles were taller than Leon and Cloud both, so they could quickly duck behind them if they noticed anyone coming. Cloud's bike was the most noticeable one of the bunch. It was the only clean one. The rest of the Fenrir's in line were covered in dust from being used outside. They ducked and weaved relatively easily between the larger pieces of equipment, but found a problem as the machines shrank the closer they got to the front. They couldn't dive behind things as easily and had to leave greater distances between them so they could stay hidden.

Cloud reached the bike first. He scrambled behind the frame to open the side compartment that held his keys. He also pulled out his sword harness and clipped it around his trunk. Leon peeked out from behind another vehicle and saw a pair of soldiers breaking off from the group that was searching the far end of the garage. Their footfalls got louder as they grew closer, alerting Cloud, who froze in place. He held onto his keys and pulled his pointy chunk of hair down flat and peeked over the seat of his bike. He slowly scooted across the floor around the giant wheel of the vehicle and crouched behind it as much as he could. The soldiers wandered around looking up and down the rows of vehicles. Leon tried to hide halfway under the machine he was near but couldn't squeeze himself under it enough.

"Hey!" one of the soldiers blurted, pointing down the row to where the Carrier was. Leon hurriedly scurried out from his hiding place and took off in the other direction. He could hear the soldiers pulling their swords from their sheathes and giving chase. Their footfalls echoed through the garage, bringing the attention of a few others to them. They headed Leon off at the pass, forcing the Carrier to skid to a halt and find another route to take. He ended up jumping up and grabbing the top of the enormous fender of one of the hulking all-terrain vehicles and hoisting himself onto it.

Once on his feet again, he climbed up as high as he could on top of the machine. A couple soldiers started following him up and he looked around for his options. He caught a brief glimpse of Cloud scrambling to his feet and heading for the control panel that opened the garage doors. The brunette realized he was serving as an impromptu distraction and took a running leap to the next vehicle over. He caught the edge of the machine's body and quickly pulled himself up just as the soldiers had crested the top of the one he had just left. An abrupt gunshot ripped through the garage, making Leon freeze for a brief moment, half crouched on the vehicle still. He didn't know where it had come from, but he knew he hadn't been hit. He glanced towards Cloud and could see the blonde fiddling with the control box for the door.

"How the fuck did you miss him? He's _right_ there!" one soldier barked to another. That's when Leon noticed the dent hardly two inches from his leg. His fight or flight instinct bubbled up and he hauled himself to his feet. He rushed to the opposite side of the machine and dropped himself to the floor again just as another gunshot chipped the metal behind him. There was a soldier on the ground to greet him and he felt a hand wrap around his arm. Without much thought, he grabbed the wrist with his opposite hand and pulled it off his limb and yanked it towards himself. The soldier it was attached to lurched forward and Leon knocked the man's legs out from under him, keeping hold of his arm. He put a foot on the soldier's ribcage and pulled his arm backwards with a resounding ' _crack_ ' as it was popped from its socket. The man screamed and Leon left him there to run down the row of vehicles.

The garage door started to roll up, making the soldiers chasing after Leon hesitate and look for the source. In an effort to not stand out like a sore thumb and get himself shot, Cloud crouched down and kept as low as he could as he made it over to his bike. He squatted next to it and started it up without sitting on it. Leon veered off to the side, heading for the noise. He wove through the vehicles as much as he could to throw the soldiers off. Two more gunshots rang out, ricocheting off fenders and the floor. Once Leon was close enough, Cloud threw himself onto his bike and kicked the kickstand up. The brunette plopped himself on the seat behind his Charge and Cloud hit the accelerator, squealing the tires a bit as he launched them both out of the garage and into the sun. Leon nearly lost his balance with the sudden propulsion and he immediately weaved his arms around Cloud's midsection, his heart racing.

"What are you idiots standing around for? Go after them!" Sephiroth roared abruptly as he came back into the garage. He had caught the tail end of Cloud and Leon leaving and saw the soldiers that were pursuing them stopping in their places. One brave soul spoke up.

"Mr. Shinra said the desert will kill them, and not to go after them if they get out," he said.

"Shinra isn't your superior! Fuck his moronic reasoning and go after the enemy! This is war! Traitors aren't tolerated! Go! Bring them back to me alive. I want to see their faces before we slice their throats!" the General barked, pointing out towards the garage doors. The soldiers hesitated for a few moments but they eventually mounted their own Fenrirs and headed out into the desert after the pair. Sephiroth watched them leave with uneven breathing. He let out a long shaky breath when he was by himself, holding his side, and headed back into the facility.

* * *

"Do me a favor?" Cloud yelled over the rumble of the engine. The sun reflecting off the sand was searing his corneas and it was getting more and more difficult to see.

"What's that?" Leon yelled back. The blonde lifted a leg and held it out.

"Go into the little compartment on the side there and get my sunglasses for me?" Cloud asked. Leon leaned over the side, one hand hanging onto the blonde's shirt. He retrieved the glasses and held them out in front of Cloud. His Charge took them and put them on with a sigh. "I like being able to see. It helps when I have to drive," he said.

"I'm glad you can see, too," Leon said, returning to clinging to Cloud's midsection. The blonde glanced at the brunette's hands.

"You have lady hands," he blurted. The Carrier rolled his eyes and stuck his middle finger up.

They were both fairly confident they weren't being followed. Rufus' words about how the elements were supposed to get them remained in their heads like a security blanket. Leon kept his eyes closed to shield them from the sun and rested his face between Cloud's shoulder blades. The blonde was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the hugging but he couldn't do much about it so he tried to push it aside. The Carrier wasn't aware of what it looked like; he was just trying to still his heartbeat some. The reality was sinking in and the next phase of his anxiety and uncertainty was starting. He had his Charge, and they were leaving together, but his mind was jumping forward to when he would have to teach Cloud everything from scratch and whether or not the blonde would have the patience or the ability to keep up. His attention snapped back to reality when he heard an additional rumble over Cloud's bike. He looked behind himself and his heart turned to ice.

"Uh… Cloud?" he yelled.

"Yeah?"

"There's people following us."

"Really?" Cloud asked, turning to look. There were seven soldiers following after them, their silhouettes growing increasingly visible through the dust cloud they were leaving in their wake. "Oh fuck, that's not good."

"Do you have a plan?" Leon asked.

"Well, kind of."

"That's not very reassuring."

"I have… this," Cloud said, reaching forward and flipping a latch that expanded the front carapace, revealing the six cubbies that held the pieces of the blonde's Fusion Swords. "Not sure what we're going to do about the seventh one, though!" he said.

"Me either! Just try to outrun them," Leon said.

"Where the fuck are we going, by the way?"

"No idea; we'll reach the ocean eventually!"

"Goodie! Did I ever tell you I never learned how to swim?"

"I did know that, actually. Thanks for reminding me. I'll try not to let you drown!"

"Yay. You do realize we're pretty fucked, right?"

"Yeah, but it would be a waste to just surrender."

"Very true," Cloud agreed.

Over the course of the next twenty minutes, the blonde pushed the throttle as much as he could, attempting to leave the others behind. His bike, however, hadn't been adjusted to handle so much loose terrain and dust. The other Fenrirs at the Mako facility had been fitted with an extra piece that kept the particles out of the main mechanics and kept them running as efficiently as possible. Cloud's would have had the same treatment had he been properly stationed at the facility, be he wasn't so it didn't. At full speed, the sand was creating more of a problem than it should have and the soldiers slowly inched closer to them.

Leon was waiting for gunshots, but they never came. He waited for someone to try and crash into them in an effort to make them fall and possibly flip over. That never happened either. The only show of hostility they had were their swords, which were drawn and ready for slashing. A couple soldiers broke formation and drew close, flanking Leon and Cloud on either side. The blonde in response, drew one of the smallest pieces of his blade and held it backwards. One of the soldiers swung at them and Cloud deflected the blade with his own. He quickly leaned towards the other and swung his arm backwards, stabbing his blade into front tire of the soldier's bike. The blade made the wheel jerk upwards when it hit the ground and it broke apart, sending the shards and pieces into the spindles, jamming the wheel into a sudden stop. The residual forward momentum sent the bike spiraling forward, tossing the soldier from its seat and crushing him as it landed on him. Cloud veered in front of the wreckage and righted himself, the movement keeping him and Leon out of the other soldier's reach.

The second soldier got much of the same treatment. He grew close and Cloud jammed the other smaller blade behind the front suspension bracket. The metal clanked against the spokes of the wheel until it finally got caught and halted the wheel, sending the machine out of control. Another bike sped past them and swerved in front. Two others took their sides. They had seen what had been done to their comrades and were wise to Cloud's technique. They kept a fair enough distance away from him so their bikes were safe but they could still reach him with their own blades.

"Hang on!" the blonde barked over his shoulder. He switched gears and the bike skid to a stop before driving backwards full tilt. Cloud spun them around, switched gears again, and headed off in a tangent to the other riders, passing them at an angle. The soldier's formation broke in order to give chase and they reached them one at a time.

Cloud knew he wasn't strong enough to fight them off in actual combat so his focus remained on their vehicles. He withdrew another blade of medium length and waited for the first soldier to catch up to them a bit before he leaned down and skimmed the tip of the blade across the sand. He then hit the brake suddenly, making the soldier speed past them while the blade sliced his tires. The friction yanked the sword out of Cloud's hand. He sped away in another direction, deeming it unwise to go after the weapon. Leon's stomach was turning in knots from the haphazard driving and he held tight to the blonde's chest, moving with him but wishing for it to end.

"Do you know how to fight at all? Or are you just a professional damsel in distress?" Cloud called back to the Carrier.

"I know how to in theory, I just prefer not to," Leon said.

"Right. Professional damsel it is."

"Whatever."

"You're in the wrong career if you're like that, you know."

"Hoping to get out of it once we're done being chased."

"The fuck was the point of doing it at all if you're going to just up and quit?"

"I was looking for you. I found you. Now I'm done."

"…You really need to explain that to me."

"Later," Leon said. Another soldier caught up to them and swerved in close. Leon caught the movement out the corner of his eye and looked up just in time to see a hand coming at him. The soldier attempted to grab his jacket and pull him off Cloud's bike. The Carrier stuck a foot out and planted it on the other bike's seat, giving it a firm shove. The soldier swerved a bit but was able to easily right himself again. He reached for Leon again and the Carrier grabbed onto his forearm. "Hit the brakes!" he yelled.

Cloud did as he was told and the soldier's Fenrir careened off into the distance while the soldier himself stayed behind, his arm being twisted backwards unnaturally. Leon dropped him on the sand and the blonde hit the accelerator again and sped away, his back fender clanking against the soldier's temple. The third pursuer was far too close to the fray in order to swerve out of the way and ended up thumping over the soldier on the ground as well. He didn't stop though, and kept on the pair's heels. He followed them for a decent distance before Cloud abruptly turned, sending a spray of sand into his face with his back tire. The soldier didn't falter, but became preoccupied with coughing the dirt out of his lungs and clearing his vision. He kept steady in a straight line until he collided with the previous soldier's discarded motorcycle.

There were two pursuers left. They had remained a fair distance away to allow their comrades a chance to do some damage but they sped up when the others had been disposed of. Just by the looks of their driving, they were much more skilled than the other five had been. The biggest difference they had over the others though, was that they were unarmed. They caught up just enough to keep the pair in range and preoccupied themselves with the oversized bangles on their wrists. Leon watched them through squinted eyes until he realized what they were doing. His heart turned to ice and he tapped Cloud's chest to get his attention.

"What?" the blonde asked.

"The last ones have materia!" the brunette yelled.

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me," Cloud grumbled.

As the soldiers raised their outstretched arms to aim their energy, small swirls of dust rose from the ground in front of Leon and Cloud. Each soldier had picked a side to cast on and in seconds, huge spires of earth sprouted from the disturbances in the sand. The blonde had to dodge and swerve as more and more spires formed in front of them attempting to get them to wreck. They came close on a couple of occasions as Cloud's hold on the machine threatened to lose itself. But after two dozen spires, the magic abruptly stopped. The soldiers were still following them at the same distance they were before, they just weren't doing anything. Cloud's suspicion grew and he slowly withdrew the largest blade from the front carapace, just in case. They rode for another ten minutes before anything new happened.

A virtual tornado of dust rose up a short distance in front of them before a huge wall of earth sprang up in its place. Cloud hit the brakes and skidded to a stop in front of it. The wall was immense and he doubted he could go around it without the soldiers catching up to them in the process. His mind reeled for an impromptu plan as he watched the soldiers come together and head towards them side by side. He didn't have enough strength to take them both on by himself, and disabling them seemed otherwise impossible. He settled on a half baked plan that he wondered would work and started driving straight towards them, his blade poised and ready.

"Wrap your legs around me and hold tight! Don't let go!" Cloud called to Leon. The brunette did as he was told, albeit confusedly. He wasn't in control of the situation so he couldn't argue, but he was afraid of what Cloud was going to do. The blonde sped forward until he reached full speed and abruptly turned, sending a whirlwind of dust up into the air as he started to do tight circles. Leon squeezed his eyes closed and held his breath in anticipation of the unknown. The blonde kept an eye for any approaching shadows as the soldiers came closer.

Once he gathered that they were too close to dodge anything, Cloud raised his blade and jammed it as hard as he could into the ground. He circled it a few more times to gain momentum before he reached out and grabbed the hilt, squeezing the bike with his legs to hang on. On the crest of the next half moon around the sword, he released the bike, sending it hurdling towards the soldiers as if he had shot it from a slingshot. It stayed straight on its path for all of twenty feet before it wobbled out of balance and started to roll. It bounced and skipped across the sand like a flat stone on water, heading right for the pursuers. They both tried to swerve out of the way but the machine reached them first, colliding into them both in a spray of shrapnel and screaming.

The residual motion from the maneuver forced the blade to pop out of the ground and for the blonde to lose his grip, sending Cloud and Leon rolling into the sand with the momentum. The Carrier lay still for a moment, unable to see or hear anything. He knew he wasn't hanging onto his Charge anymore and it took him almost a minute to be able to understand what had happened. Thrown for a loop, his vision blurred back into focus as he pushed himself up and looked around. He noticed the pile of wreckage in the near distance and the warped sword lying in the sand. His ears were ringing, and as they calmed and he could hear again, he noticed Cloud screaming. His hazy mind flew into a panic as he looked around for his Charge and noticed him writhing in the sand a few yards away.

"Cloud!" he cried hoarsely, hurriedly crawling across the sand to the blonde's side. He wasn't bleeding anywhere that Leon could see but it was overly obvious he was in a lot of pain.

"Everything hurts! _Fuck! Fuckfuckfuck… Augh!_ " the blonde sputtered through gnashing teeth.

"Calm down and breathe for a second," Leon coaxed, pushing his fingers into Cloud's pulse to feel for any irregularity. The blonde moaned and groaned from a few more minutes before quieting some and panting. "Where do you hurt specifically?"

" _Everywhere you fuck!_ "

"Specifically! Focus for a second."

"My… my arms and my legs… and my back. It feels like… I'm being stabbed," the blonde groaned. Leon felt the other's arms and thighs, causing his Charge to spew a line of profanities. When he tried to bend the blonde's limbs, that's when Cloud skipped language all together and just let out a wail. Leon let out a sigh and set them down again gently.

"You may as well have hooked yourself up to a torture rack and pulled yourself apart. I wouldn't be surprised if you don't have any tendons or cartilage left in your joints. Stupid. What were you thinking?"

"Would you rather I had let those guys skewer us?" Cloud spat.

"I would've preferred it if you had kept yourself in one piece."

"Well whatever. We're going to die out here anyway. What's the difference?"

"We're not going to die," Leon chided, looking around. There was nothing but sand and rock in every direction. He squinted against the glare of the sun and could see a teeny tiny distortion in the far distance. Everything was flat except the thing on the horizon and he wondered if there was a city that way.

"Do you even know where we are?" Cloud asked.

"We're in the desert."

"Fuck, seriously? I thought we were in a place where chocobos shit rainbows."

"Hey, you're the one who asked," Leon said, shrugging off his coat and laying it over Cloud's face and arms.

"Eugh, get this thing off me, it smells like armpit."

"As it should. I'm sweating. But you need to stay covered," the Carrier said. Cloud's fingers flexed and moved as he struggled to get his arms to cooperate with him. He grit his teeth, hissing in pain. "I'm going to have to carry you."

"Like hell you are," the blonde strained.

"There's a city in the distance, I think. They may have someone there who can heal you."

"And how do you expect to get there?"

"Walk."

"You're fucking insane."

"Maybe. But it doesn't hurt to try."


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

"Aren't you supposed to be ripping my facility to shreds?" Rufus asked coolly as Sephiroth meandered his way into his office. Tseng stood behind the disabled man with a stoic expression, his hand idly hovering over his holster. The General was having a hard time keeping his composure and plopped down in one of Rufus' overstuffed chairs with a pained grunt.

"How do you deal with it?" Sephiroth asked.

"Deal with what?" Rufus asked confusedly. The General stood again and opened his long coat and lifted his shirt. There was a large discolored blotch of geostigma creeping its way across his abdomen. He sat again after Rufus got an eyeful. "I'm afraid there's no 'dealing with it,' only 'living with it.'"

"But you—"

"The difference between you and I is that my geostigma was passed to me by my mother. Yours is from Mako abuse. They're quite different. I'm sure you, like many other soldiers, use more Mako in order to lessen the side effects of the geostigma when all you're really doing is making matters worse for yourself. Over time, I've been able to find ways of living as comfortably as I can with my ailment. I've never touched Mako in my life, and I live a low impact lifestyle. I also have the funds in order to keep my medical staff with me everywhere I go. If you had any sense about you, you'd stop your destructive ways and retire."

"But I'm only in my twenties. You're at least forty—"

"You aren't listening to me. Stop your way of life and take a load off. You need to find some other line of work that lets you sit still. If you do that, you might live to see thirty. Otherwise, you'll be dead by year's end."

"Year's end? But there are days when I feel fine!"

"It comes and goes. I have days where I'm better as well."

"This is unacceptable. There must be something you're hiding and keeping to yourself. Even with all the activity I do, there is no reason for you to live twice as long as me," Sephiroth strained. Pushing himself in order to bust out of Leon's cell and then chase the pair around had left him in a bad way. He was having difficulty keeping his breath and every time he moved, he wanted to scream. Rufus watched him with a curious eye.

"What is it you want to hear from me, Sephiroth? Coming to my office was a bit unexpected. I'm telling you honest answers to your questions and yet you persist; as if I owe you something. Is this a cry for help? Are you just too prideful to ask for it?" he asked. Sephiroth furrowed his brows a bit and looked away.

"Retiring is not an option. Stopping isn't an option. There has to be a way to… fix this."

"I've put a lot of money into geostigma research, and I can tell you that it's been a very expensive and useless effort. I have yet to find a treatment, cure, or prevention."

"I can't die like this."

"You think you're the only one? You think you're a unique case? Thousands of soldiers go through the same agony every day. It's shallow to think you're somehow exempt from the consequences and special enough to be the only one that receives some mythical treatment."

"I don't have a son yet."

"Well you better get on that, wouldn't you agree?" Rufus asked. Sephiroth stayed quiet, focusing off to the side at nothing in particular, his jaw tensing in thought. "If it makes you feel any better, I don't have any children either."

"Why not?"

"I'm impotent."

"…You admit that so readily."

"Why should I lie? It's public knowledge. I can't even walk by myself or wipe my own ass with any sort of effectiveness. Impotency is the least of disabilities."

"I function just fine. My problem is staying in one place long enough to see my son come into this world and keeping him with me."

"I'm afraid I can't do much for you, there. My family's bloodline ends with me unless by some heavenly grace I'm suddenly able to asexually reproduce tomorrow."

"What happens to your company once you're gone? Without an heir it'd be sort of difficult to keep things going."

"I already have several agents in line for that. All of my assets will become government property."

"That's sad."

"Yes well, that may be true, but doesn't that make your situation seem trifling?"

"A bit," Sephiroth admitted. He looked at Rufus. "You really don't have any way of assisting me?"

"I'm afraid not. Just do as your father did in his later years and get out of the battlefield. That's really the only solution if you're trying to prolong your life."

"Understood," the General said flatly. He sucked in a breath and hefted himself out of the chair. He made his way out of the office quietly. Once the door was closed, Tseng bent over Rufus' shoulder to speak to him.

"Are you really impotent, sir?" he asked.

"No. Why do you think I have the female nurses help me get to bed every night?" Rufus chuckled.

"Then why did you tell him that?"

"Stupid boy needed to understand that there are bigger issues in life than what revolves around him. His father taught him that he was indestructible and couldn't be touched. Well, hearing where he could end up if he doesn't learn a little maturity is a decent way to serve him some humble pie. The reality is that he's dying and he doesn't even know it. It's sad, really."

"Couldn't agree more. Do you think he'll change?"

"I doubt it. He's falling quickly."

"Also true," Tseng agreed, standing straight again. Rufus cleared his throat and returned to the paperwork he had strewn over his desk.

"What's the status on the escapees, by the way?"

"Last I heard, they decided to head off into the sunset together."

"What a miserable way to die; boiling to death in the desert."

* * *

Reno had caught up with Rude shortly after getting the crate up to the helipad and they had spent a great deal of time searching for people they hoped weren't in the facility anymore. Once they heard of the pair's escape, they both immediately headed upstairs where they had shared their findings with Tseng and Elena before heading back to their living quarters to discuss their next move. Even without words they both knew it was time to go. They had used up all of their resources and couldn't think of any reason to stay. The last thing they needed to do was pack.

"You driving?" Reno asked. He was excited, but he knew better than to be ignorant with it. There was still work to be done before he and his Charge could get back to the redhead's home plane. Namely, making sure Leon and Cloud were okay and helping Leon's friend.

"I probably should. You can't fly for shit."

"Hey, I tried, okay? I can't help it if I'm not a bird. I'm hardly okay with climbing stairs," the redhead said. Rude laughed. "At any rate, I need to man the computer to see if I can hunt down Cranky and Goldie."

"Very true. You think they're a fair ways away?"

"Well soldiers did follow them. If they fought them off somehow, they might be okay, but the more likely scenario is they need help. If they're still being chased, then they could probably use some extra firepower."

"Ah, okay. What about this Irvine guy?"

"Well I haven't met him, but since he had way less of a role than Leon, I can bet that no one brought him out of his seven month confinement to give him a shower and shave. He probably smells like a dead animal and is just as hairy. We should probably tie him to the landing skid and let him air out."

"Sounds like a plan," Rude said.

"Anything you need to bring with you?" Reno asked. So far, all his Charge had done was watch him pack a few things. The redhead was only taking his and Leon's computers and the box of camera bugs. There wasn't much of a point to take anything else. Clothes and toiletries could be replaced.

"Aside from my gun? No."

"Okay. The less things to cart around, the better," Reno said, heading out into their kitchen.

"Taking a snack?" Rude asked amusedly.

"Water. We're going to be flying across the desert, and I've heard rumors that that place is pretty fucking hot," the Carrier said, stuffing water bottles into his pack. He hefted the bag onto his back when he was done and went to retrieve his metal rod. He went to the door and waited for Rude to catch up. He smiled at his Charge. "Ready?"

"…As I'll ever be, I suppose."

"Last chance to back out."

"I'm not."

"You're so awesome," Rude said with a grin.

They left together as casually as they could, heading straight for the staircase. They passed a few people as they descended but no one that had the authority or gumption to stop them and ask where they were going. The activity in the facility had calmed considerably when Leon and Cloud managed to escape; there wasn't much point in looking for things that were already found and lost again. They made it all the way down to the prison cells and stopped in front of the guards flanking the entryway.

"Mr. Shinra isn't happy, guys," Reno said with a tiny frown.

"What's happening, now?" one of the soldiers asked.

"Well that one prisoner managed to get out and elope with his boyfriend. Mr. Shinra had promised him to his daughter, you know. He's sort of pissed he has to go hunt down another one for that ugly skank. So he's cutting his losses and is just settling for the other guy from Balamb. He asked us to take him upstairs," the redhead said flippantly. The guards looked at each other confusedly.

"…Mr. Shinra doesn't have any children," one of them said flatly. The redhead sighed and rolled his eyes.

"That was a joke. Relax. But he does want to question the other prisoner so we have to take him upstairs."

"Why doesn't he just come down here?"

"Do you really think his wheelchair will fit through this doorway? Look at this thing. It's puny!" Reno said, nudging Rude and his huge shoulders to stand in the doorway. It was a standard sized door, but with Rude there for comparison, it looked a lot smaller. The guards were still suspicious.

"I still don't think it's a good idea. The other one _did_ just escape."

"But it's Mr. Shinra's orders," Reno persisted.

"General Strahl is here."

"And he doesn't own this place. Mr. Shinra can take your rooms and make you live in a hole in the sand," the redhead said.

"I'm more afraid of General Strahl," one admitted, the other nodding in agreement.

"You know what? Fine. Don't believe me. Follow us and make sure we're doing things by the book if you're that concerned about it. Where is he?" the Carrier asked. Rude lifted a confused brow.

"One floor down."

"Lead the way, then," Reno said. One of the soldiers left with him and Rude and escorted them down to the lower level.

Irvine, like Leon, was the only captive on his floor. The prison was an enormous multi-leveled building but was unfinished, so their census was extremely low. Prisoners came in on an as needed basis and there weren't many Balamb soldiers wandering the desert to take in the first place; Leon and Irvine being the last ones to come in since their capture so many months before. Since then, Irvine had been isolated. He spent his days much like Leon had when he wasn't talking to Cloud; alone and bored. He occupied himself with doing sit-ups, pushups, thinking, picking the paint off the walls, and talking to himself. His only saving grace was the person who brought him his meals. He had convinced the man to sit and talk to him on a few occasions, helping him keep his sanity intact.

Halfway down the hall of Irvine's floor, Reno decided to act. Their escort was walking in front of them so he withdrew his metal rod from his pant loop and whacked the guard on the base of the skull. The soldier cried out and stumbled forward, but didn't fall like the redhead wanted him to. He whirled on them both with rage in his eyes, his arm going for the sword at his hip. Rude caught the movement and lunged forward, grabbing the other's wrist and pulled him forward with it. He punched the soldier in the solar plexus, knocking the wind out of him and making his legs go weak. Reno hurried over to the nearest cell and yanked the door open. Rude gave the soldier a sharp shove, sending him sprawling backwards into the little room with a groan. Reno slammed the door shut and locked it. He let out a long breath afterwards.

"Nice," the redhead commended, patting Rude on the shoulder as they continued down the hallway. Following their noses to Irvine's cell was easy enough. Reno knocked, startling the cadet inside, making him sit up quickly. Without much warning, the redhead opened the door and stuck his head inside.

"Uh…" Irvine drawled confusedly.

"You, my smelly friend, need to come with me," Reno said happily with a smile.

"What's going on?"

"Squall sent me to come get you. We're leaving, so come on."

"Wait Sq—"

"He's already escaped and asked us to take care of you. Come on," Reno said, pulling the door the rest of the way open. Irvine stared at the pair with obvious skepticism.

"I don't believe you."

"Well fine. Stay here then," the Carrier said, heading back down the hall the way he came. Rude followed after him quietly, leaving the door open. Irvine hesitated, but then got up and looked down the hall both ways. When the other two didn't come back, he figured he should probably follow them and jogged to catch up.

"So where are we going?" he asked.

"Dunno yet, really. We just need to leave. We have a helicopter," Reno said.

"Okay, and who are you guys?"

"I'm Reno, and this is Rude," the redhead said, motioning to his Charge. Rude gave Irvine a little wave.

"Uh, hi."

"You're Irvine."

"Right."

"Good. We'll explain things later, but right now, we have a flight to catch."

"Okay… do you guys have a plan for getting out?"

"How fast can you run?" Reno asked. Irvine raised a brow. Rude looked to the redhead.

"You're not serious," the Charge said.

"It may come down to that. It's sort of hard to steal a helicopter and not get noticed."

"Well, I wouldn't call it _stealing_. Rufus did give you the keys."

"Yeah, but it's like a leased helicopter more than it is mine. And I really don't intend on returning it. So I get to tell the grandkids about how I hijacked a helicopter with a buddy of mine and a hobo."

"…Hey," Irvine said, sending Reno a glare. Rude chuckled.

Getting upstairs wasn't difficult. They went up the few flights of stairs to the main level without incident, but the tension rose when they needed to cross the lobby. The plan was to hold Irvine by his jacket sleeve and walk him through the lobby as if they were taking him somewhere important. Handcuffs or something mildly authoritative may have helped, but they had to work with what they had. They managed to lead him across most of the lobby, garnering weird looks from others and hushed whispers. It wasn't until Tseng brought Rufus down into the space that anything was brought into suspicion.

"Reno! Rude! What the hell are you doing?" the man barked angrily from the top of the staircase. The trio froze, as did just about everyone else around them. The door to the garage was wide open for them and hardly fifty feet away.

"Uuuh… General Strahl said you wanted us to take him out into the desert and shoot him?" Reno guessed.

"What? No I didn't," Sephiroth called from across the lobby where he had been talking with a few of his soldiers. The trio hadn't even seen him.

"What do you want to do?" Rude whispered out the corner of his mouth.

"Remember what I said about running?" Reno whispered back.

"Why am I going with you, again?" Irvine chimed.

"Because Rude has awesome hair," the redhead said. Irvine furrowed his brows and looked to the bald Charge. Rude shrugged.

"Take him back to his cell this instant!" Rufus bellowed.

"Run," Reno said and took off towards the garage door, pulling Irvine along with him. Rude followed. Suddenly the lobby broke out into a bevy of activity as a dozen soldiers pulled their swords and gave chase. Furious, Rufus slammed his fist on the arm of his wheelchair and looked to Tseng.

"Go after them!" the man screamed.

"But Sir… that's Reno and Rude."

"They're traitors!"

"But…" Tseng hesitated, trying to delay having to kill his friends. Rufus wasn't as forgiving though and reached up to the other's holster and took his gun.

"Fine, then I'll do it myself," he said as he strained a bit but was able to pull himself out of his chair and onto his feet.

"Sir I don't think this is ideal—" Tseng attempted but was cut off when Rufus pulled the trigger. Reno flinched and looked towards the noise while still heading towards the door. He paled and a sense of panic dripped in.

"Rufus can walk!" he cried.

"What?" Rude asked, glancing towards the stairs.

"We're going to die!"

"You give in too easily," Irvine said, pulling his arm out of the redhead's hand so he could run easier. They made it to the garage and the cadet spied a startled pod of guards nearby, two of which had guns. He veered away from Reno and Rude and headed for them.

"Are you fucking stupid?" Reno called after him, slowing his pace. Irvine ignored him and punched one of the guards, causing him to falter. He grabbed the butt of the pistol and yanked it from his holster before kicking him in the side and sending him staggering into the rest of the group. Reno and Rude had slowed enough to wait for him and he caught up with them just as the guards from the lobby flooded into the garage.

"No, I'm not stupid, thanks. I just felt a bit naked and had to cover myself," Irvine said, waving the pistol a bit. They took off running again, weaving between the heavy machinery. Gunshots were fired as they briefly passed into the open space between the vehicles, but they managed to make it to the back door unscathed.

Climbing the ladder to the top of the facility was simple enough, but there was an overwhelming sense of foreboding as no one followed them outside. They could hear the echo of the garage doors opening, though. When they reached the roof, Reno immediately led them to the helicopter and pulled out his keys. There were only a couple mechanics with them who gave them strange looks as they filed into the machine and Reno started it up. Rude plunked himself behind the controls and put on his sunglasses.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" one of the mechanics yelled over the putter of the propeller blades. The sides of the helicopter were open and Irvine was busy pulling one of the doors closed.

"Going for a joyride! Sorry!" Reno called back to the mechanic. Irvine shoved the man backwards and pulled the other side door closed. The man tried to pull it back open but Irvine pointed the muzzle of the pistol in his face as soon as it opened enough and he backed off, putting his hands up in a surrendering gesture. Irvine closed the door again.

Reno immediately pulled Leon's computer and a camera bug out of his backpack and clicked the two together. He told the camera to find Cloud and then tossed it out the window just as the machine started to lift. Being a military grade helicopter, there wasn't much in the ways of seating in the oversized cabin behind the cockpit. There were loops of fabric to hang onto for stability, and Irvine grabbed hold of one before he could flop onto his face with the sudden movement. They took off, following the dot on Leon's computer as the camera bug flew off into the desert sun.

Unbeknownst to them, Rufus was regrouping and preparing to order his men to follow them, putting Sephiroth in charge of them to do what was necessary.

* * *

"I'll fucking gut you if you tell anyone I let you touch my ass," Cloud spat. Leon rolled his eyes with a sigh. In an effort to not toss his Charge around like a ragdoll, the Carrier had to come up with a better way to carry him than trying to get Cloud onto his back somehow. It was a lot harder to carry someone piggyback when that said someone couldn't move their limbs to help hang on. Carrying Cloud around like he was a princess wasn't very effective either, since he needed to stay covered by Leon's jacket. So in the end, Leon ended up picking him up like a toddler, lacing his fingers together in front of himself like a seat and letting the blonde rest against him with the jacket draped over his shoulders and face like a blanket. The only downside of that was Cloud's legs being able to move and dangle freely from around Leon's waist, which was painful, but much better than trying to hang onto his back.

"I won't tell anyone," Leon promised, shaking his head. Cloud's sunglasses had survived the fall in the sand and were proving to be a valuable asset. The Carrier wore them despite the blonde's fervent protesting and accompanying dirty looks. "Can I tell them how cuddly you are?"

"Fuck off."

"I could just leave you to dry up into a raisin out here."

"It's better than having you grope me."

"You'd know if I was groping you. I'm not very good with subtlety."

"Wonderful," Cloud strained with a bit of a grunt as his leg moved. Leon was walking as evenly and as lightly he could to minimize movement, but at the same time he was trying to go as fast as he could before the blonde got too dehydrated. Both of them were sweating buckets, but he wasn't worried about himself; he just kept his eyes on the city ahead of them and his feet moving.

After another twenty minutes of silence, Leon noticed a change in Cloud's breathing. The blonde was nearly panting and his posture was starting to sag more than it already way. The Carrier picked up a corner of the jacket and peeked at him, using one hand to support him still. Despite the fabric covering, Cloud's face was red. His eyes were squeezed shut tightly and a grimace played on his lips. Leon furrowed his brows.

"Cloud?"

"…What?" the blonde spat, shifting his eyes to look up at the brunette.

"You still with me?" Leon asked worriedly.

"I'm fine."

"What are you feeling aside from the obvious? What's new?" the Carrier asked, putting the jacket back in place and lacing his fingers together again. The blonde didn't answer him. "Cloud."

"Hmm…" his Charge hummed weakly.

"Cloud!"

" _What_? Fuck, don't yell at me."

"I need to know if you're feeling anything new."

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. Are you having trouble breathing?"

"Stop it."

"No. I'm trying to help y—" Leon started, but his words stopped when a very familiar bug landed on Cloud's back. "Reno?"

"What just touched me?" Cloud asked confusedly. The Carrier stopped walking and looked around. The bug crawled around and under the jacket. The Charge sputtered and tried to twitch away from it.

"Hold still, it's not even a real bug. That's Reno."

"Who?"

"The guy with the red hair that stuffed us in a box."

"Oh. This bug looks nothing like him."

"Well that's good. It would be terrifying if there was a bug wandering around as big as a person," Leon said, squinting at the distance. He couldn't tell if there was something in the sky headed towards them or not. He kept walking, just in case he was seeing things. "Reno, if you would be so kind as to come and get us, I would appreciate it."

"Why are you so weird? There's no one here," Cloud asked, thinking the Carrier was insane for associating bugs with his friends.

"I'll explain later."

"You better," the blonde said quietly as he started to fade. He was incredibly tired and his chest was hurting. He also had a massive headache. Reno could see he was having trouble breathing, and crawled out from under the jacket to sit the camera on Leon's shoulder. The brunette noticed Cloud's change for the worse and his worry was doubled. He knew that even if he started sprinting, he wouldn't make it to the city in the distance before he lost the blonde. He could only hope Reno was really on his way to get them and not just watching.

"Cloud."

"Mm?"

"You need to stay awake."

"Mmnn…"

* * *

Reno was panicking. Rude was pushing the helicopter to go as fast as it possibly could but he was starting to wonder if it was enough. Cloud was in a seriously bad way, and Leon's worry and inability to do anything for him, was heartbreaking. On a positive note, though, no one seemed to be following them yet. The redhead knew it was only a matter of time before someone came after them. He couldn't say for certain, but he was fairly sure that there was some manner of GPS in all the equipment the military used, the helicopters included. The technology was there, after all, even if it wasn't exactly what Reno was used to seeing. If Midgar didn't use it to their advantage, he would be very surprised with their stupidity.

"Calm down, we'll get there in time," Rude reassured as Reno sat in his seat with his legs folded under him, chewing on a thumbnail nervously.

"We're still at least fifteen minutes away from them," he said.

"And we will get them and cool them off as best we can. Winhill isn't too far from here, either. We'll head there for the night. It'll work out."

"I hope so."

As they continued on, Reno could see black splotches of wreckage every now and again. It was clear whatever soldiers had followed the pair had met an untimely end and from Cloud's condition, there was probably an extensive fight. As cute as they may have looked from a distance, Leon wasn't carrying the blonde like someone would have if the other person was simply dehydrated. The added details made the trip to catch up with them all the more painful. Reno wasn't sure of the extent of Winhill's medical care. He had been there once, and the people seemed nice, but he wasn't concerned about seeing the amenities at the time.

"I see them," Rude said calmly, shattering the redhead's worrisome thoughts. Reno immediately squished his face up against the window to see. A fair distance from an enormous rock formation was a dot with a pair of legs heading towards Winhill. When Leon heard the approaching propellers, he turned towards the noise and started towards it instead.

"Cloud," the brunette urged, giving the blonde a bit of a bounce. Cloud let out a bit of a grunt from the pain but was otherwise unresponsive. Leon pushed the jacket away and tilted the blonde's face up by his chin so he could see. Cloud was giving a serious effort into trying to stay awake. His eyelids were three quarters of the way closed and the Carrier couldn't see his irises because they were trying to roll back in his head.

The helicopter couldn't land quick enough. Leon pulled the jacket over Cloud again as the sand started to kick up and blow around. He squeezed his own eyes shut and waited for Reno to open the door. The redhead was there, but it was Irvine that pulled it open, giving the Carrier a bit of a surprise with how unkempt he was. He couldn't let himself focus on it long. He hefted Cloud onto the edge of the doorway, letting him sit some while letting him fall backwards into Reno's hands. The redhead tugged the blonde back and laid him out on the cabin floor as gently as he could. Leon climbed in after him and Irvine slid the door closed. Rude took off steadily and set a course for Winhill.

"Don't bend him if you can avoid it," Leon said. Reno yanked his backpack from the cockpit and quickly retrieved several bottles of water. The brunette took one and immediately opened it and upended it on Cloud's face. Irvine sat nearby, watching curiously.

"Is this someone I should know?" he asked.

"No," Reno answered, taking off his jacket and fanning Cloud with it. Leon doused the blonde's shirt with another water bottle. He felt his pulse and tapped his face with his hand in a half-slap, trying to get a response out of him.

"Cloud? Can you hear me?" the brunette called. Reno stopped fanning so he could go reopen the door, hoping the cross breeze would be more effective. It was, if the tradeoff was the thundering sound of the propellers.

"There isn't much more we can do!" Reno yelled.

"Do you think he'd drown if I try to get him to drink something?" Leon yelled back.

"I don't know! He might!"

"Should probably try," the brunette said, though inside he wanted to scream. It was a bit of a nervous reaction to sound so sarcastic. He was really wishing for that safe box to keep his Charge in. He scooted around and slid his hands under the blonde's shoulders and lifted him as gently as he could so he could sit behind him. He sat the blonde between his legs and let him rest back against his chest. Reno handed him another bottle of water. The Carrier tilted a bit into his Charge's mouth. Cloud promptly inhaled it and started coughing. But at least he was awake. Reno went to close the door again so he could hear himself think. He plopped down next to Leon and Cloud afterward. The brunette occupied himself with trying to get Cloud to drink.

"At least he's responsive. I don't know how long it'll be before we get to Winhill, but it is the closest city to the Mako reactor," the redhead explained.

"Okay," Leon said distractedly.

"Can I ask what happened?"

"Reno… I can't think very well right now. Later," the brunette said.

"You need to drink something too," the redhead said.

"In a minute. Cloud first."

"I'm not trying to stop you, I just don't want you to pass out on me too."

"I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"Fine enough to worry about someone else."

Reno was conflicted. He was much more worried about Leon than he was about Cloud if for no other reason than his own judgment. He didn't think the blonde deserved half the fawning the brunette was giving him and he really just wanted to make sure Leon was okay too. He would keep his opinions to himself, but his stubborn friend wasn't even taking ten seconds to get some water in himself. There wasn't much more they could do for Cloud until they landed, and shoving liquid down his windpipe wasn't a step in the right direction. The fact that Leon was blatantly ignoring Reno's advice, made the redhead feel suddenly insignificant. He knew he was being petty, but Leon never gave him the impression he would be that worried if he were in the same situation Cloud was. He thought it strange that he felt that way so easily, and thought he was being a bit foolish.

Leon stopped trying to get the blonde to drink after another ten minutes of fruitlessness. He drank the rest of the water himself to get Reno to stop glaring at him and laced his arms around Cloud's chest. He rested his cheek against the blonde's hair and heaved a heavy sigh, trying to focus on anything but the negatives. It was difficult. Reno watched him with a worried face. There were two different kinds of sad he had seen the brunette display over the course of their friendship. There was the traumatized sort of sad and the earth shattering sort of sad. Leon's body language and blank expression told the redhead that the brunette's world was slowly falling to pieces. What the particulars were, he couldn't say, but he did know that he wasn't happy that both kinds of sad were because of Cloud. How Leon could feel that much compassion for a person that had caused him so much pain, Reno couldn't even guess. Leon confused him more than women sometimes.

The ride to Winhill was quiet except for the occasional groan from Cloud. For Leon, it had taken decades to get there and when he felt the helicopter start to descend, his heart did back flips. He just hoped the people there had heard of intravenous fluids before. It was debatable that they had much of anything, really. They landed right outside the city and when the doors opened, the brunette's hopes were squelched a little. Winhill was a lot like Nibelheim. It wasn't some sprawling metropolitan city with untold amounts of technology. It was very small, very homely, and very rural. The groundcover and gardens were sparse around the city itself, but grew more dense and flowering the farther in they went. Leon hefted Cloud out of the helicopter and held him much like he had when they were walking in the desert. The group headed towards the city center with the hopes of finding someone who knew what they were doing.

"There's a bar with like… a bed and breakfast place above it not too far from here," Reno said, leading everyone off towards the east.

"We need a clinic or something before that," Leon said.

"They don't really have one, I think."

"Well what the fuck did we stop here for? Let's go to… wherever the next closest one is," the brunette demanded angrily.

"Relax, they have resources and stuff we can use. It's just not like a hospital setup," Reno assured.

"So long as I get a shower, I'm good with whatever," Irvine chimed. Leon glared at him. The other put his hands up defensively. "Don't give me that look. You obviously don't know what you're carting around there. That's a Midgar soldier. I have no obligation to give a damn about him."

"Where I come from, we help people regardless of where they were born. Forgive me for not putting your needs first. You have legs that can work, I was under the impression you were better off," Leon spat.

"What the fuck did he do for you that you hold him so high on a pedestal?"

"He saved my life. If it wasn't for everyone here, both of us would still be stuck in prison. That includes Cloud. I wasn't leaving without him, and if I hadn't left, I wouldn't have mentioned you to Reno. My only regret is that I couldn't come for you myself, and for that I apologize. But do me a favor and put your prejudice aside. I'm really not in the mood for anyone's shit."

"Okay, okay, yeesh," Irvine said.

"Watch what you say, Mr. Hobo. Squall's very possessive. That, and Rude and I came from the same place Cloud did. One could almost think you're ungrateful," Reno said over his shoulder.

Irvine let out a huff and looked off to the side. "Fine," he clipped.

"I understand you're grumpy at Midgar. Personally, I am too. Let's just focus on regrouping and getting everyone back together in one piece. The couple that runs this bar are very cool people."


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

Winhill had its fair share of secrets. Between the cottages and tiny shops, the gardens, the happy families, one would never suspect anything out of sorts. Well, that was part of the fascination of it all. To someone looking in from the outside, it had absolutely no defenses and was a sitting duck. It was a wonder that the little town hadn't been sucked up by Midgar years ago. Reno (and to a lesser extent, Rude) was baffled at its ability to survive. The people seemed too nice, too compassionate, and too understanding to be fighters. Even though all those details floated around in the redhead's brain, he still worried for the town's safety once Rufus got his things together and came after them. He wanted to spend as little time as possible in the peaceful town to avoid any sort of disturbance.

Reno could only imagine how strange their group looked as they all burst into the bar. The owners, Laguna and Raine Loire, both startled and turned towards them with wide eyes. The redhead waved at them both causing the man, Laguna, to stand from his seat at the bar and come greet them. They had met and shared a couple of meals together during Reno's last visit, but not much else outside of that. All the redhead had gathered was that Raine and Laguna were very nice and willing to go out of their ways to help people. Laguna brushed his shoulder length black hair over his shoulder and shook hands with Reno and Rude, giving the rest of the crowd inquisitive looks.

"What's going on, here?" he asked curiously.

"We need your help," Reno said. Laguna raised a brow.

"What can I do?"

"Do you know a doctor?"

"Uh… are we talking about needing help with a disease? Or injury?"

"Injury," Leon said, shifting Cloud's weight around in his arms. Laguna stepped to the brunette and helped himself to looking into the blonde's face. He peeled open one of his eyes and scowled at the vibrant blue, but didn't make a comment. He stood straight again and turned to his wife, Raine, who was busying herself with filling the bar supplies.

"Raine, get them a few rooms. I'll go find Brunhilda," he said, hurrying past the group and out the door. The bar was empty of patrons and Leon vaguely wondered if they were even open for the day. It seemed rather quiet for such an establishment, especially one that apparently had a bed and breakfast above it. Raine shuffled out from behind the bar and went to a nearby door. She disappeared for a few moments but returned with several keys.

"Follow me," she said kindly with a smile. Everyone followed her up a wide set of stairs to the upper floor. She unlocked one of the first rooms in the hallway and pushed the door open, ushering Leon in. She handed off the rest of the keys to everyone else and Irvine was quick to breathe his thanks and dash away to find a shower. Reno and Rude thanked her for the keys but followed Leon into his room instead. There were two single beds in a homey setting with only a dresser and a lamp to fill the empty space. There was also a large window on one wall and a door that led into a bathroom. The Carrier gently laid Cloud out on one of the beds. The blonde scrunched his face up in pain and let out a long groan. Leon sat on the edge of the other bed and rubbed his face.

"Thank you," he said with a heavy sigh. Raine smiled again.

"Brunhilda will fix him right up. Don't worry yourself."

"I'm trying," Leon said. Reno went to sit next to him and patted his back. The brunette gave him an appreciative glance and the redhead smiled. Raine adjusted her yellow headband and combed her fingers through her waist length walnut colored hair.

"Is there anything else I can get you?" she asked. Leon shook his head.

"I don't know yet. Right now, no. I'll ask if I need something."

"Okay. I'll be right downstairs," she said and took her leave. Rude shifted his weight uncomfortably and decided he should give Reno and Leon a minute.

"I'm going to go check the rooms," he said. The redhead nodded and his Charge left. Reno leaned over and bumped his shoulder against Leon's.

"Hey. He's going to be fine. Stop freaking out."

"Don't tell me that. You know damn well you'd be more of a mess than I am if Rude was where Cloud is," Leon grumped, sending his friend a glare.

"Don't get snippety with me. I'm just trying to help," Reno said, glaring right back at him. Leon held his angry face for a few seconds longer before he sighed and looked away.

"I know."

"You also know he's going to be okay, so why are you letting yourself get so upset?"

"I feel guilty."

"Guilty? Why? Did you beat the shit out of him?"

"Because we were being chased and towards the end of everything he asked if I can fight. I told him I can, but I prefer not to. Then…" he hesitated, motioning to the blonde. "Then this happened pretty much immediately after. Looking back on it, I think he was asking for my help rather than calling me a pussy for just coming along for the ride. He made it sound like a joke at the time; I don't think his pride would've let him flat out ask. I should've done something. I should've at least tried. I should've made an effort to protect him… like I'm supposed to."

"You can't blame yourself for this."

"Well, I certainly didn't help all that much."

"You took care of him afterwards."

"And it would've been a useless effort had you not come for us. He would've died long before we could've gotten here. I've done nothing for him and everything to hinder him."

"And you forget he's had his fair share of hurting you."

"I haven't forgotten. It doesn't give me the right to make him suffer though."

"You haven't made him suffer."

"Sure I did. Because of my cowardice, he's hurt more than he probably would be had I done something to help. I have done _nothing_ for him. Hell, I didn't even find him. You did it for me. You've done it all so far. He's your Charge more than he is mine. And as much as I appreciate all you've done for me, at this point, I feel like you shouldn't have done any of it and left me where I was. I don't…" Leon said, taking a breath and looking down at his hands. "I don't deserve any of it."

"Let's say all of that is true. Let's go ahead and call you a coward and a failure and just about everything else negative in the dictionary. Fine. Whatever. Who gives a shit? I don't. You forget where you're taking him and the things you guys are going to accomplish together. You're taking him away from this god-awful place, away from his past, and out of his life which was heading straight down a cliff. He probably doesn't see it that way, but you know as well as I do that if either of us hadn't done any of the things we've done so far, he would've ended up dead by the time he was twenty-five. That's a waste. Even if this was the most flawless execution of a Charge retrieval in history, it wouldn't matter because the end result is still the same.

And just for the record, he isn't my Charge. He's yours. You're the one who watched him grow up and learned to give a damn about him. You're the one that wants him regardless of all the shit he's pulled. Not me. I don't want him. Personally, I don't he's good enough for you. I would've left him in the desert to rot because I really don't feel he's worth the energy. But you do, and that's what matters. Because he's yours," Reno said. Leon propped his elbow on his knee and his chin in his palm. He couldn't think of much else to say. He still blamed himself even though he agreed with the redhead. Reno rubbed his back. They sat quietly for a few minutes until Laguna burst into the room followed by a crinkly old woman with a hunchback and too much jewelry on. The Carrier assumed that was Brunhilda.

"My my," she cooed as she shuffled over to Cloud's bed. She seemed rather frail, possibly even sickly, but she apparently knew what she was doing. Reno watched her with a wide smile, just barely holding back his giggles. She jingled a little as she walked as her necklaces clinked together, and she had to pick up her skirt so she didn't trip on it. She was hardly five feet tall with a nose like a beak.

"I have no idea what's wrong with him, but apparently he's injured," Laguna explained. The woman glanced at him briefly before looking back to Cloud. She reached down and turned the blonde's arm towards her with her bony fingers and clucked her tongue while shaking her head sadly. She ran a fingertip over the blob of bruises that marred the blonde's inner elbow.

"I cannot help with any damage caused by Mako, but I will do what I can anyway," she said. Leon frowned. He had forgotten for a moment that Cloud had more problems than what he had incurred in the desert. Brunhilda held her knobby hands over the blonde's face and closed her eyes with a small smile. Leon caught himself thinking of the Shumi people as the thin green circle spread itself around the woman's feet and the blue and purple orbs floated upwards. More specifically, he thought of the Bead Maker and he had to stop himself. He sighed. The emotional turmoil he was putting himself through was getting tiresome. He felt better once Brunhilda's fingers seeped greenish tendrils down over Cloud's face and filtered up his nose and into his mouth. His breathing evened out and the redness in his skin faded back to its normal coloration. After a few minutes, she stepped away and bid her goodbyes. Laguna walked her out. Reno patted the brunette's back and left as well, closing the door behind him.

Leon went to sit next to his Charge and shook his shoulder a bit. "Cloud."

"…Hm?" the blonde grunted, furrowing his brows. He slowly peeled his eyes open and blinked at the ceiling. It took him a few seconds but he realized he was in a completely different place than where he last remembered being and he sat up quickly and looked around with wide eyes. His gaze stopped when he saw Leon sitting on the bed with him and he gave the Carrier a disgruntled scowl and a suspicious once-over.

"How're you feeling?" the brunette asked.

"The fuck are you doing in bed with me? And where are we?" Cloud asked angrily. Leon sighed and went to sit in the other bed. He hadn't anticipated the blonde being so energetic, but he felt it was a good thing that he was. At least he was better, if a little cranky.

"We're in Winhill."

"Wherever that is."

"South of the prison."

"Oh. How'd we get here?"

"Reno came for us. Do you remember?"

"It's… fuzzy," Cloud said, rubbing his forehead a bit. "I remember a little bit after being chased. I remember the bug… but not much else after that."

"That's about the point where you went downhill, yeah. But you're better?"

"Uh…" the blonde drawled, looking himself over. "Yeah."

"Good. I think we're staying here for tonight."

"And after that?"

"Well, we're probably going to Balamb. Back to my school for at least a day. There's something there I need to get and we need to drop off my friend. And then we can go where we need to," Leon explained, putting his hand to his chest where his chain should've been. He was a little concerned that he didn't have his change code with him. He was getting near to the threshold where he would have to change, but he didn't feel it just yet so he tried to ignore it.

"Where is 'need to?'"

"…That requires a lot of explaining that I just don't have the energy for right this second."

"I want you to, though. I have a lot of questions."

"I know you do. And I will answer them as much as I can; I just need a minute to get my heart to stop flipping out," Leon said, flopping back on his bed and staring at the ceiling. His anxiety was getting to be unbearable and he really needed to get a hold of himself.

"Why is your heart flipping out?"

"Because I thought you were going to die."

"…And that matters, why?"

"You don't think dying is a big deal?" Leon asked, propping himself up on his elbows. Cloud was staring ahead of himself at the floor. He shrugged.

"I'm a soldier. It's expected."

"That doesn't mean that it's okay for it to happen."

"Yeah well… whatever," Cloud clipped, pushing himself up off the bed and standing. He went to the nearby bathroom door and peeked inside to make sure it was the place he wanted to go. "I'm going to shower."

"Okay…" Leon said, furrowing his brows together. The blonde disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the brunette with a sense of uneasiness. He didn't expect Cloud to be giddy and excited about the circumstances, but he hadn't expected him to sound so indifferent about dying. It was a little worrisome but the Carrier couldn't let himself focus on anything until he knew for certain of what he was looking at. He decided to let Cloud have the room and he made his way out into the hall. Laguna was there, leaning on the wall across from their door with his arms folded over his chest. The Carrier stopped and blinked at him.

"I don't want any trouble from you all, do you understand?" Laguna said sternly. Leon raised a brow.

"Trouble?"

"You brought a Midgar soldier into my town. I don't care how insignificant the army might think he is, he's still their property and might come after him."

"I honestly don't know what the military has planned or if they even care about him being gone. I can't say for certain what's going to happen. But we hadn't planned on staying here more than the night, I don't think."

"Who's his commanding officer?"

"I… don't know," Leon said uneasily. He didn't like how much Laguna was pressing him as the man seemed to know exactly what he was talking about. He was beginning to get the impression the man had seen a few battles himself. "The last person he had talked to with any sort of rank was General Strahl."

Laguna nearly choked. "General St—You need to leave. Or he does. Or whatever. I don't want that lunatic anywhere near this place. Take blonde-guy out into the desert and leave him there if you want to stay here, but I can't have him here."

"What? I'm not leaving him anywhere. If you don't want us to stay here, that's fine, but I'm not sending him to a death sentence because you tell me to. I don't even fucking know you."

"Look," Laguna sighed, rubbing his brows. "My friends and I have put a lot of work into keeping this place safe over the years but I honestly don't think we'd survive if Sephiroth came here with a fucking army."

"Cloud is just one soldier! What makes you think they'll waste the resources to come after—"

"It's more my fault," Reno chimed from down the hall. Laguna and Leon turned to look at him. The redhead shuffled a foot against the floorboards. "The helicopter is theirs, technically, and we embarrassed Rufus in front of a lot of people. It'd be more of a personal vendetta versus a practical or beneficial one if they decide to come after us. Cloud has nothing to do with it. Well, he did at some point probably, but I sort of jumped to the top of the _Wanted_ list in his place."

"You brought a helicopter here?" Laguna asked with a raised brow.

"It was a convenient way of getting away. I had they keys, after all," Reno said with a shrug. The raven haired man chewed on the inside of his cheek with a deep sigh, running a hand over his face tiredly. He was conflicted, and didn't know if he should kick the whole group out or just selective persons. Either way, he doubted his conscience would let him sleep for it. He took a few minutes to think.

"Whatever. You can stay here tonight. Just… leave in the morning. Hopefully nothing bad happens. I'll let my friends know and they can keep a lookout for us until you're gone."

"Thank you," Leon and Reno said at the same time. Laguna, face full of stress, left them in the hall and headed back downstairs. The redhead went to his friend.

"You look upset," he said.

"What's it mean when you say to someone that it's not okay for them to die and their reaction is 'yeah, whatever'?" Leon asked. Reno furrowed his brows.

"Did Cloud say that?"

"Yeah. I'm concerned."

"Maybe he thinks you don't actually care if he dies or not?"

"I carried him through the desert. If that wasn't a decent indicator of me giving a damn I'm not sure what else I can do."

"Well it's better than thinking he's suicidal."

"I would want to know if he is. And if it's true, it's probably my fault for showing him what he did to Aerith."

"Leon… don't do that to yourself," Reno said.

"Well it's true, isn't it?"

"Stop," the redhead urged, pulling Leon closer and hugging him tightly. The brunette didn't respond right away and stood there stiffly until he couldn't stand it anymore. He eventually reached around and hung onto the back of the other's coat awkwardly and rested his cheek on his shoulder.

"Why do I do this to myself?" he asked blandly. Reno patted his back.

"Do what?"

"…Torture myself?"

"Because you need an explanation for everything. And if you can't think of one, you blame yourself. Did it ever occur to you that he was depressed before he knew it was his fault? If I was him, I probably would be."

"But I made it worse."

"And if you hadn't, you wouldn't have been able to get him to listen to you and that would lead right back into our discussion from before where he would've stayed where he was and died anyway. You can fix this if you think you broke it," Reno said, backing up so Leon would stand upright again. The brunette's face was downtrodden, droopy, utterly depressed and the redhead pushed his brows together sadly. "Don't make that face, you're going to kill me."

"…I'm scared."

"You don't have to be. It'll get better."

"I hope so."

* * *

Cloud hadn't been entirely truthful to Leon. Yes, his memory was fuzzy, but he had caught snippets of the brunette and Reno talking right before Brunhilda came to heal him. The pair had apparently forgotten that they were speaking a language the blonde could understand, and though Cloud didn't hear everything, he heard enough to make him concerned. From what he could gather, Leon had zero backbone and was pretty much a jelly filled sack of uselessness. And Reno, for whatever reason, felt that Cloud belonged to Leon, which the blonde didn't like in the least. The lack of answers to all his questions wasn't helping his opinion on the pair, either, and he was considering using Leon for whatever he wanted to give and then dropping him when there was nothing else to take. It was selfish, he knew, but he didn't see the point in caring if no one cared enough to at least explain anything to him.

He spent almost an hour in the shower, trying to get himself to relax. He was on edge, jittery, and extremely nervous. He knew the withdrawal was closing in on him and that by the next morning he would be utterly dependant on whoever was willing to help. He wouldn't be completely useless, but he would have the physical stability of an arthritic eighty year old and if he needed to do anything quickly, he was pretty well screwed. He didn't like the idea of Leon having to carry him around everywhere. He startled when there was a knock on the door.

"Yeah?" he called out to whoever it was.

"Is everything okay?" Leon called back to him. He was a little concerned his Charge had passed out. There was steam filtering out from under the bathroom door.

"Yes. Go away."

"Just making sure," the brunette sighed. He stood outside the bathroom door with his forehead pressed into the wood, debating on how he should handle explaining everything to Cloud. The blonde would probably think he was insane or some sort of loony for thinking up such stories, but Leon couldn't find much way around it.

Cloud stayed in the bathroom for another twenty minutes before stepping out into the bedroom with only his pants on. Leon had since moved to his bed and was lying on his stomach in his t-shirt and a pair of black pants the blonde hadn't seen before. Little did he know that Raine had come by not too long before and picked up everyone's laundry and volunteered to wash it all for them since it was obvious they didn't have a change of clothes; Irvine especially. The brunette glanced at him but stayed silent. He didn't know what to say or do around the blonde now that they were being semi-normal together and not in the process of being killed. Cloud sat on the other bed with a grumbling sigh and pulled his shirt on. Leon figured it was better to be awkward than to let the silence suffocate them.

"What questions did you have?" he asked. The blonde glanced over his shoulder.

"I want an explanation for everything. From the beginning."

"It's difficult for me to express what exactly the whole purpose behind everything is because you really need to experience it in order to understand. Forgive me if I can't make it all crystal clear. I would prefer if you just ask me and I'll answer what I can."

"You said I'm supposed to help you. Help you with what?"

"I'm not from here, Cloud. Not from Midgar, not from Balamb, or Esthar, or anywhere else. I'm… essentially from another planet for a lack of a better explanation. And my planet is pretty much a ball of dirt with some people on it. It's mostly dead, and the people are making an effort to fix it. I'm part of that effort and I need help working on it. So I picked you."

Cloud turned around to look at the brunette with furrowed brows. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No. I don't. I know how strange it sounds."

"Strange? How about complete and utter bullshit?"

"I'm not naïve enough to think you would believe me so easily, but it's the truth. I really do need your help."

"So the 'need to' place to go to is back to your… home planet or whatever, yeah?"

"Eventually, yes."

"You're so full of it. What, is the mother ship going to beam me up into the sky and whisk me away to some magical land made of dirt?"

"…I told you it's difficult for you to understand without experiencing it," Leon said with a sigh, burying his face in the pillow. Cloud took in the Carrier's sullen body language with a scowl. He didn't know what to make of the other's moping and he decided quickly that he didn't like it. He wondered how much the mood had to do with him since he could vaguely remember Reno mentioning something about causing the brunette pain. Whatever the reason, it was obvious he wasn't making the situation any better by being a smartass.

"How do you know so much about me?" he asked, almost afraid to know the answer. Leon's heart skipped a beat with the sudden anxiety. He was dreading that question; it was the one that could scare off his Charge. He looked at the blonde with as genuinely truthful of an expression as he could muster.

"I've been watching you for forever. Before you were born, I watched your parents. And before you go off thinking I was doing it in some perverted way; I wasn't. It was most like research. I needed to know that you were healthy and functioning before I met you so that you could be healthy and functioning when we left together. And if you weren't, then I would need to make preparations to accommodate you. I've seen just about everything you've done in your life, which is why I can fill in the holes for you if you want me to. I know you don't remember much from the last few years."

"Yeah, and I don't really _want_ to remember it. But I didn't get that choice, if you recall," Cloud said with an edge of spite to his tone. Leon looked away.

"If I could take that back, I would. I'm sorry I showed you anything. I feel awful."

"Good. I hope you do," the blonde spat. Leon just accepted the anger and didn't argue it. There was a brief silence between them before Cloud spoke again. "How old are you? You're way too young to have watched me grow up."

"I'm twenty-seven."

"Still too young."

"Well, I was born an adult, if you can imagine that. In theory I did about twenty years of growing before I was able to walk around and do stuff, so you _could_ say I'm in my late forties."

"That…"

"Sounds impossible? I know. Again, you'd have to be present for it all to make sense," Leon explained. Cloud stared at him for a moment with his mouth hanging open halfway. He was horrendously confused and sort of wished he hadn't asked anything; it was only making things worse the more the brunette talked.

The rest of Cloud's questioning was very similar to what Rude asked Reno; the purpose of the projects, some of the details surrounding it, what a 'Charge' was, what Leon's home plane was like, and just about every arbitrary detail the blonde could come up with. The fine details, what they would be doing together, the science and technology, and their involvement in the process was not discussed. The brunette tried to explain as much as he could as simply as he could, but sincerely wished they were ready to leave right that instant so he could just show the blonde everything and not have so much doubt pass between them. Cloud hardly understood anything, but acted like he did for a lot of it. He tried to file away some of the details but it eventually got so overwhelming that he just gave up trying. He didn't believe a quarter of what Leon said, so he chocked all the words up to nonsense and left them behind. But by the end of their lengthy discussion, Leon felt a bit better thinking his Charge understood somewhat. Cloud just thought the brunette was a lunatic.

They were both surprised to hear piano music filtering into the room through the door. It was dark out, and seemed like a completely inappropriate time for music, but there it was, defying the logic. Leon and Cloud exchanged confused looks before heading out of the room. They both went to the end of the hallway and looked over the railing to the bar below. The business had opened and a sizeable group of people had shown up for an evening of food, drink, and company. Raine was at the piano playing a jovial tune and there were a couple people dancing together not too far away from her. Laguna was behind the bar with a wide smile as he and Irvine talked. The cadet had cleaned up and looked how Leon remembered him looking, minus the stupid hat.

"Well that's completely annoying," the blonde mumbled. "How the hell do they expect people to sleep with all that racket?"

"I wasn't aware you were going to bed."

"I'm not, it's just the principle."

"It's hardly after dusk. A few hours of having fun aren't going to kill anyone's beauty sleep."

"That isn't fun. It looks pretty boring to me."

"Well what would _you_ do? Go out and get belligerent and fuck a bunch of women you don't know?"

"Sounds okay to me."

"You are just the _worst_ kind of person, you know that?"

"Hey, I'm not the freaky stalker that gets off on watching little kids, okay?"

"I wasn—Augh! I'm going to strangle you. You told me you understood what I was saying."

"I did. I understood the words just fine. I don't agree with any of your reasoning though and think you're a nutcase."

"Then why the hell are you still okay with following me?"

"Because I need to get out of this country."

"So, you're using me."

"Essentially," Cloud said with a nonchalant shrug. With that, Leon's mild optimism went straight down the toilet. He didn't know what say and stared at his Charge wordlessly for several minutes. He eventually gave up and just walked away and back into their room.

He was beginning to think Reno was right and that Cloud wasn't worth the effort, but he stopped himself. It had been a long and taxing day for everyone, and Leon was trying to tell himself that it couldn't get much worse. From that point on it was supposed to get better and the blonde was supposed to be nicer and start listening and understanding more. Maybe after some sleep the rationality would set in and Cloud wouldn't be so hard to be around. The blonde was just saying that he was using him because he was scared of the unknowns and didn't want to admit it, or so Leon told himself. It felt better than thinking about the possibility of his Charge actually leaving. He flopped onto his bed, determined to sleep everything away until morning. He was done thinking.

Of course, he couldn't even ask for that much, because after just a few minutes of solitude, it sounded like a riot had broken out downstairs in the bar. There was a lot of angry yelling and crashing. He couldn't tell who it was until he was out into the hallway again, though he knew he shouldn't have been surprised. The patrons of the bar were not pleased that Cloud had apparently gone down into the gathering space for whatever reason. A table had been overturned with a couple of chairs, and there were three very large and angry men bearing down on the blonde who looked extremely clueless because no one was speaking a language he could understand. There were a couple words being tossed around that even Leon didn't know.

"˲˳˴˴˗˚˚̅˾˾˶̘̐̐̐˯˯!" one of the men screamed, pointing a finger at Cloud.

 _That's not… I don't know what they're saying…_ Leon thought. No one was actively fighting and his Charge didn't seemed harmed, so the brunette highly doubted he had done anything to warrant such hostility.

"˺˺˸˳̌˽˽˾˘˚˚!" Laguna yelled at the group. The men hesitated and looked behind themselves at the man behind the bar. Irvine seemed relatively amused by the whole display and sat across from Laguna with a bit of a smile.

"˘˖˖˛˲˾˔˔˚," the cadet said casually. Laguna looked to him with his mouth hanging open in disbelief. The angry men whirled around and looked at Cloud as if he had committed some heinous sin. One man had a glass pint full of what Leon assumed was beer and he hurled it at the blonde. Cloud was quick to cover his face but the glass met his side and shattered, covering his lower half in liquid. The group was on him in an instant and punches were being thrown. Leon rushed down the stairs just in time for Cloud to be knocked backwards as the three assailants started beating the ever living shit out of him. Raine was on her feet yelling for them to stop, the other patrons of the bar were doing nothing but watching, and Laguna seemed conflicted as to whether or not he should step in. Irvine was very happy with himself.

Leon grabbed onto the shoulder of one of the men and pulled him backwards with all of his strength, sending the man sprawling backwards. Another hesitated when he noticed his friend was suddenly missing and looked up at the brunette just as Leon's fist connected with his nose. He could feel the cartilage buckle under his knuckles and the fountain of blood that poured out of the man's face was probably more damage than what was necessary. The last assailant stopped what he was doing to assist his friend, giving Leon the chance to see what damage had been done to his Charge. Aside from a bloodied nose and lip, and some scratches on his arms from the broken glass underneath him, Cloud was fine. Leon helped him to his feet and brushed the glass off his back. Cloud shoved him away and headed back upstairs, the palm of his hand under his nose to stave off the bleeding.

Raine approached Leon and looked him over worriedly. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," the Carrier said flatly, moving away from the fray. The other patrons were moving in to help the assailants, taking the injured one away. Laguna watched Raine and Leon carefully as the woman followed the brunette to the stairs.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't apologize to them," Laguna called to her. Raine turned towards her husband with fire in her eyes.

"Be quiet! You know damn well these boys have done nothing wrong! You're just as bad as the rest of them for not helping!"

"Don't give me that, Raine. You know what those monsters do—"

"What I see is a group of young men who asked us for our help. They came unarmed and were completely cordial to us. You have no right to impose your bigotry on them!"

"Raine—"

"No more, Laguna. You can run the bar yourself tonight. I'm going to bed after I see how much damage you allowed to break out," the woman said angrily. Laguna stayed silent but was clearly unhappy. He came out from behind the bar to check on everyone and pick up the mess. Raine urged Leon up the stairs and the Carrier led her back to his room where Cloud had taken roost in the bathroom, attempting to get his nose to stop bleeding.

"Thank you. Again," Leon said. She gave him a withering smile as she imposed herself on the blonde in the bathroom and started cleaning him up. Cloud wasn't pleased with any of it and tried to nudge her away but she eventually won out and was allowed to bandage his cuts and clean his face off.

"Most of the people in this town are refugees from Galbadia. There is a lot of animosity, as you can imagine, towards anyone from Midgar. Some of them can't help themselves and your friend wasn't helping things when he mentioned that… I'm sorry, what is your name?" she asked, looking to the blonde.

"Cloud," he clipped.

"Cloud. Your friend made it sound like you had intentions of going out and raping a bunch of women and whatever else. I don't believe for a second that any of it is true, but it doesn't take much to stir up the old wounds and the hate amongst the men; especially when alcohol is involved. I sincerely apologize. But it would be in your best interest if you and your friends could leave here as soon as possible, if for no other reason than to save yourselves the grief," Raine explained.

"What makes you so understanding? Or is this just an act?" Cloud asked angrily.

"I was born here. A lot of the refugees are from Deling City and were there for most of the violence there. I didn't see any of it so it's easier for me to see past it."

"So the language they were speaking…" Leon trailed.

"Galbadian, yes. It's essentially a dead language anywhere else now-a-days. It's just Balamb and Midgar now."

"I see."

"But you should be alright," the woman said, patting Cloud's shoulder with a small smile. "I don't think anything's broken but it's not going to feel very nice for a while. Get some sleep. I have to go rip my husband's spine out and beat him with it," she added, leaving the pair alone. Leon got the feeling that any sort of niceties they had received were mostly influenced by Raine than they were from Laguna. He had a hard time imagining otherwise. He sighed and looked to the blonde.

"Are you alright?" he asked. Cloud nodded.

"Why did you bother helping me?"

"I told you I needed you. I don't know what else I can do to make you believe me, but I'll keep trying," Leon said. The blonde looked him over briefly and sighed.

"Fine. Whatever. I'm going to bed," the Charge grumped, heading out into the bedroom proper. Leon watched him go with a small frown.

"Goodnight Cloud."


	42. Chapter 42

**Chapter 42**

A full night's sleep was too much to ask. Leon silently wondered if there was some sort of imp following him around that brought mischief and damnation along for the ride whenever the Carrier wanted something to go his way. Sometime around dawn, Cloud woke him up. For a moment, the brunette seriously thought the other was masturbating with the way he was breathing and making noise, but when he rolled over to check, he couldn't have been more wrong. The blonde's face was contorted in to a pained, almost worried sort of expression and his breaths were uneven and erratic. Leon was immediately concerned and pulled his groggy self out of bed to see what the problem was.

"Cloud? What's wrong?" he asked with a bit of a mumble, placing a hand on the blonde's shoulder. Cloud didn't respond and kept doing what he was doing. Leon watched him for a few seconds longer and realized that his Charge was still asleep. Cloud was sweating and he rolled over abruptly, pulling the covers around him with tight fistfuls of fabric. Leon sat on the edge of his bed and leaned over him, trying to see his face. "Cloud," he called again, grabbing the other's arm and shaking him a bit harder.

Cloud's eyes flew open and he breathed a loud gasp. He hurriedly tried to sit up, practically shoving Leon out of the bed in the process. He sat, panting heavily, drenched in sweat, and was as white as a ghost. He stared wide eyed in front of himself until he vaguely noticed Leon sitting there staring at him with a look of shock and concern. Cloud couldn't get himself to react right away. The back of his mind told him that he should punch the Carrier for getting so close, but he was more concerned about the horrific set of events his subconscious had made him live through. His dream had been a constant loop of Aerith's death, but with his innocent self sitting on the sidelines watching as his guilty self went about the massacre. There wasn't anything he could do to stop himself and Aerith's screams echoed in his ears even as he sat there, awake and alert. His chest hurt, and the urge to hurl himself out the window to his death was immense.

"Are you alright?" Leon asked for what seemed like the millionth time in less than twenty-four hours. Cloud was shaking and lifted a quivering hand to his face to rub his eyes. He looked absolutely terrified to the Carrier and Leon was clueless as to what to do to help. His Charge's demeanor reminded him of when they were in his cell together after he had shown the blonde what he had done to Aerith; that same sort of expression that made him seem so much younger than what he really was. Leon waited for an answer, but when he didn't get one, he racked his brain for ways he could help. He remembered Reno and decided to try what the redhead always did for him when he was having a rough moment. He scooted forward and pulled Cloud to him by his shoulders, hugging him tightly. Cloud's posture stiffened and he didn't make an effort to take advantage of the comfort.

"What are you…" the blonde trailed, his voice hardly above a whisper. There was too much going on in his head for him to focus properly.

"I won't tell anyone if you need a minute to be scared," Leon said, resting a cheek against the top of Cloud's head. The blonde sat there awkwardly for a moment, hazily debating on how he felt about the situation. It was uncomfortable, but no more uncomfortable than being carried in the desert had been. It took him a while, but he eventually hugged Leon back loosely.

"It's your fault I'm like this…" the Charge trailed emptily. The Carrier furrowed his brows together sadly. "I hate you," Cloud mumbled, grabbing onto Leon's shirt from behind and pushing his face into his chest. The brunette didn't know what to make of the situation so he just held tight and waited for Cloud to pull away. For the blonde, the environment was bittersweet. He didn't necessarily like that he felt so helpless and weak, but he didn't deny it. He needed someone. He had no one. But Leon was there and pretty much his only option for comfort despite how much the Carrier had put him through. Leon had already been there for when Cloud was at his worst, so there wasn't much more the blonde could do to make the Carrier look down on him any more than he already did, or so Cloud felt. Taking a few minutes to be a scared little kid was the least of his sins.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back," Leon said quietly with a tiny sigh. Cloud held onto him for a few moments longer before he pulled away and sat up. He glared at the brunette and gave him a shove.

"Okay I'm done, go away," he clipped. The Carrier didn't react and just went back to his bed and lay down again. Cloud kept telling himself that Leon was his only option for comfort and that their situation was temporary. Once he was out of Midgar, he planned on dropping the Carrier like a hot potato and would never look back. But part of him wondered why he was even able to gain any comfort from the Carrier in the first place. Even if Leon was the only person willing to be around him for more than a few minutes, it didn't mean that it should've been that easy. It made him feel like a child, and he didn't like it.

Leon tucked their little moment away in the confines of his memory and stuck to his word and didn't bring it up to anyone; not even Reno. He didn't sleep very much for the rest of the morning and watched Cloud once the Charge fell asleep again. He didn't know what time it was or what the plan was once they all needed to leave, so he simply waited for someone to come retrieve them. Reno was the one to do it. The redhead gently pushed the door open and peeked inside. Leon was sitting up, awake, and paying most of his attention to the blonde, his expression neutral, but not distressed, which was a bonus.

"It's time to get up," the redhead said quietly. Leon looked to him and nodded a bit.

"Do we have a plan?" he asked.

"Well, hopefully we'll be able to fly all the way to Balamb without any problems."

"You have enough fuel for that?"

"Lifestream fuel cells take forever to drain, dude. We're fine. It doesn't make the 'copter go any faster, mind you, but it can keep it going for a long time."

"Okay, well, what if we do run into problems?"

"Laguna says he's going to help us out. I have no idea what he has for us, but it's more than what we have now, that's for sure."

"Oh."

"I heard about what happened last night. Are you guys okay?" Reno asked. Leon nodded.

"Yeah."

"Your friend is sort of a dick."

"He's not really my friend. He was more of an acquaintance than anything, and he sort of ruined that so… yeah, he can fall in a ditch. Whatever. Cloud's okay, and Irvine has his reasons, so we're not much worse for wear."

"That's awfully passive of you."

"I'm tired of all the hostility. I just want to leave," Leon said with a sigh. He rubbed his forehead, his fingers running over the still healing gash on his face. It still hurt, but not as much as it once did. It also didn't bleed every time the skin around it moved anymore, which was a positive sign.

"Yeah, well, we're working on that," Reno said. He looked behind himself for a moment and muttered something to someone who was in the hallway. He was handed a bundle by Raine and he took it into Leon's room and set it on the bed. It was the Carrier's uniform. The woman went to the end of the hall where Irvine's room was and knocked on the door. The cadet answered and said his thanks. There was a resounding _slap_ that echoed down the hall and Reno and Leon looked to one another before going to the doorway and peeking out into the hall. Raine was angry, and glared up at Irvine's face, which had the reddening imprint of her hand on the cheek.

"You should be ashamed of yourself for what you did yesterday. I don't want you back in my establishment ever again, do I make myself clear?" she spat. Irvine stared at her, open mouthed, dumbfounded. She didn't wait for an answer and left him, pushing a piece of hair over her shoulder with a huff. She smiled at Reno and Leon as she walked past and disappeared around the corner. Irvine went back into his room quietly. The redhead snorted and laughed.

"Get a load of the ovaries on _that_ one, yeah? Damn."

"Well that made my morning a little brighter," Leon said and stepped back into his bedroom.

"I get the feeling she wears the pants in the relationship and only lets Laguna borrow them for public appearances."

"Or he does and she steals them from him when he does something stupid. That, to me, would hurt my pride more. I'd never know when it was coming," the brunette said, taking up his uniform.

"That's a very good point. Anyway, we're all getting together for breakfast downstairs in a bit. We'll discuss what we're doing then," Reno said. Leon nodded.

"We'll be down in a few," the brunette assured. The redhead took his leave, closing the door behind him quietly. Leon went to Cloud and nudged his shoulder a few times until the blonde grunted at him. "Time to get up."

"No," came the very curt reply. Leon nudged him around some more until Cloud had had enough and reached back and smacked his arm. "Stop touching me."

"It's time to get up. We're going to breakfast and then we're leaving. You can starve if you want to, but I'm not leaving you behind."

"Fine," Cloud grumped, rolling onto his stomach and smashing his face into his pillow. He had been awake for all of four seconds and could already feel himself getting sick. He heard the bathroom door opening as Leon attempted to go in and get changed. He turned his face to see and his vision started to blur a little. "Hang on," he said. Leon stopped and looked at him with a raised brow. Cloud shakily pushed himself up and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

"Are you alright?" the brunette asked. The blonde shook his head, his stomach making a strange burbling noise. Leon looked him over with concern, but didn't have a chance to do much for him before the blonde was on his feet and making a mad dash for the toilet. The door slammed shut in the Carrier's face and Leon blinked at it a few times. He frowned when Cloud started retching. He had forgotten about the withdrawal. He had no idea how to help, either. He considered finding Reno or possibly even Raine to see if they could give him some insight. He changed back into his cadet uniform and was prepared to rush downstairs to find some help when Cloud reemerged from the bathroom and flopped back onto his bed with a grunt.

"Just leave me here," the blonde mumbled against the mattress. He felt like his innards were boiling and bubbling around inside him. Breakfast wasn't in his equation; the very thought made him nauseous. Even thinking about flying in the helicopter made him queasy.

"Not happening," Leon said firmly. "What can I do to help you?"

"I don't know."

"What are you feeling?"

"Sick."

"…Specifics, Cloud."

"Headache, barfy, weak, and my chest hurts," Cloud muttered. Leon knelt on the floor in front of him and pressed his cheek against the blonde's temple, attempting to gauge his temperature. He felt a little warm to Leon, which he almost expected, but not so feverish that he felt he should flip out. "Why are you molesting me? Stop it."

"I wasn't molesting you, I was checking your temperature. You're okay for now. But if you don't want to eat, that's fine. I'll be back for you in a bit."

"Whatever," Cloud grumbled, groggily pulling himself up into his pillows.

Leon left him there and headed down into the main bar area where the rest of the group was milling about waiting for breakfast. There was a cook top behind the bar where Laguna and Raine were busy getting the meal together. The only one who wasn't present aside from Cloud was Irvine which Leon was somewhat thankful for. The brunette went to sit next to Reno at the bar. The redhead smiled at him.

"Where's our golden ray of sunshine?"

"Right now? In bed. He's sick," Leon said, folding his arms on the bar and resting his cheek on them while looking at Reno.

"Does that mean we have to babysit him?"

"You don't have to do anything. I'm not even sure there's anything to do for him in the first place. He's Mako sick. At least I hope that's what it is, otherwise I have no idea."

"Ah. I see."

"Just have to make sure he stays hydrated," Leon said, sitting up as Raine set a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of him with a bowl of fruit. He raised a brow at it and wondered if he was really looking at what he was looking at or if he was going to eat it and find out it's actually ice cream or something else foreign. The food in Plane 087 confused him to no end. Sometimes it was all perfectly normal, but then sometimes it was supposed to be one thing but turned out to be another. Either way, the fruit was usually fruit so he nudged that towards Reno and the redhead pushed his eggs towards him. Rude watched the exchange with a disgruntled expression. Laguna turned to speak to them and noticed the switch, but didn't comment.

"If you're going out and expecting to make it to Balamb without any problems, you guys are way too naïve to have left your mothers. My friends and I have some supplies we can spare to hopefully give you an edge," the man said. His tone was a bit forced and it was clear it was hurting a bit to offer them assistance. A quick glance behind him and Raine could be seen practically searing a hole into the back of his head with her piercing glare.

"Well that's awfully generous," Reno said with an overly happy, almost teasing tone as he leaned against the counter and smiled up at Laguna. Leon elbowed him in the side to get him to stop antagonizing. Reno laughed a bit and continued eating.

It wasn't long before Irvine came down and joined them. He sat at the end of the bar away from the rest of them. Laguna went to strike up a conversation with him; possibly to share the anti-Midgar propaganda. Leon ignored them and thanked Raine for the meal before heading back upstairs. Cloud wasn't in the bedroom proper but the bathroom door was open slightly. The Carrier peeked into the room where his Charge was sitting on the floor across from the toilet, his hand on his chest. His breathing was forced, deep, and uneven. Leon furrowed his brows and went to sit next to him.

"It's hard to breathe," Cloud whispered, closing his eyes.

"Like you're short of breath or does it just hurt?"

"Both. I have to think in order to breathe normal, but it still doesn't feel like I'm getting enough air."

"I wish there was something to do for you, but until we get somewhere with more medical equipment, there's nothing I can think of," Leon said, pushing his fingers into the soft flesh under his Charge's jaw to feel his pulse. The beat was erratic, starting and stopping at seemingly random impulses. It was worrisome, to say the least. "I need to get you out of here," he mumbled, mostly to himself.

"To where?" Cloud asked. The Carrier didn't have much of an answer for him that was of any worth. Ideally, they would head back to Leon's home plane where he knew they could get legitimate cardiac care for the blonde. That would come eventually, but in the meantime, he didn't know where they would stop. He couldn't remember seeing any sort of monitors or equipment _anywhere_ that they could use; not even in Balamb.

"I'll figure it out eventually," the brunette said.

" _Great_ ," came the sarcastic reply with a roll of aquamarine eyes. He swallowed thickly, the bile rolling around in the back of his throat and threatening to come back to haunt him again. He slowly scooted towards the toilet again, burping a little.

"Does it feel like you'll stop vomiting any time soon?" Leon asked. Cloud glanced at him with a little glare.

"What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course it doesn't."

"I meant like… since you've done it a few times, do you feel any better? Or is it just staying the same?"

"The same," Cloud blurted a split second before his body started to backfire with dry heaves. Leon patted his back, genuinely upset by the situation. The blonde took a few minutes to wait for his stomach to stop trying to leap out his throat before he shook the brunette's hand off him. "Stop touching me."

"Sorry," Leon mumbled, folding his hands in his lap. Cloud sat back and rested his arm on the toilet bowl and his forehead on his hand.

"Can… wherever we're going make me better?" the blonde muttered miserably.

"Which 'wherever' are we talking about? My home? Or Balamb."

"The mother ship."

"Yes. I have resources there that can help you. Hopefully by the time we get there, most, if not all of the Mako should be out of your system. Then we just need to worry about repairing the damage."

"Okay," Cloud grunted, his stomach gurgling. He was still skeptical of the legitimacy of Leon's story, but at that point, he was ready to try anything that might make him feel normal again. He would watch the Carrier closely and judge how honest he seemed with everything. If there was any second guessing on the blonde's end, he would drop Leon just as he had initially planned. If it looked like something good might come of their partnership, then he would use Leon for his aid and _then_ drop him. It was a fine line he would be walking between the two and he had to be vigilant. But vigilance was difficult for him to focus on since his innards were waging war with one another inside him.

An hour's worth of sitting on the bathroom floor passed before Cloud's nausea started to subside. Leon got him to drink a few glasses of water and by that point, Reno was coming to tell them it was time to get going. The blonde Charge was incredibly weak and required his Carrier's help to get up from the floor. He teetered in place a bit on wobbly legs before Leon insisted he be carried again. Cloud didn't have the strength to argue and flopped onto the brunette's back with an obvious wound in his pride. Everyone, along with Laguna, had filed down into the main gathering space in the bar and they all looked to the pair as Leon hefted them both down the stairs. The Carrier didn't acknowledge that anything was off and just walked alongside the group as if carrying Cloud around was completely normal. They all headed outside where two more men met them.

"Everyone, these are my good friends Kiros and Ward," Laguna introduced with a wide smile, gesturing to the pair. Kiros, a tall, thin, dark-skinned man gave them a smile. Ward, a huge wall of a man with a thick jagged scar on his face, simply grunted.

"I really wish I understood what was going on," Cloud mumbled into Leon's shoulder. The blonde was lost in a sea of language he couldn't comprehend.

"I'll let you know if there's anything important to know," the Carrier mumbled back.

"We're willing to share some of our supplies, so long as you don't use them in the city unless absolutely necessary. Ward and I have been out on patrols since you all dropped in and have yet to see anything, but that means nothing," Kiros chimed.

"What sorts of supplies do you have? We can just take some water from here, if that's all it is," Reno asked, pointing a thumb over his shoulder to the bar. He still had a few bottles shoved into the backpack and was already bringing that with them.

"Well that helicopter of yours isn't exactly equipped for defense, now is it?" Laguna asked rhetorically. Everyone looked surprised. The raven haired man raised a brow. "What, you all thought this place was kept safe just because we asked Midgar nicely to go away?"

"That's… _really_ generous of you," Reno said with genuine thanks in his voice.

"Well, I'll be honest. I was prepared to let you all leave and take your chances with the desert. But, my wife made a very good point yesterday after she was done chewing me out. You all obviously aren't here to hurt us, so why be so hostile? Granted, not everyone in this town shares her sentiments, but as far as me and mine go, we're okay. Or at least okay enough to lend you a hand."

"You're so whipped," Kiros chuckled. Laguna punched him in the shoulder.

"You don't understand how scary a woman can be until you marry one."

"Whatever you say."

" _Anyways_ ," Laguna blurted, giving his friend a glare. Ward had a wide smile plastered across his face as he watched the exchange. He remained silent, and Leon was wondering if he even had the ability to talk. There was another scar on his neck that seemed rather unpleasant. Laguna continued on after a short pause. "Follow us if you want your stuff," he said, heading off towards the main gate of the town.

Down an overgrown path that branched off of the main road, was a tiny ramshackle house. It looked like it had seen better days with its rotting exterior, crumbling hinges precariously holding the door and stutters up, and rickety support beams. Leon was relieved when they weren't going inside. They went around back to a shed that looked just as old as the house did, but was much more stable. It looked as if someone had come along at some point and reinforced the exterior. Laguna pulled the resistant door open and stepped back with a sweep of his arm, gesturing for everyone to go in. Kiros and Ward went in without a word, clicking on a dim light as they went.

Inside the shed was a staircase. Down the staircase, there was a basement. But it wasn't a normal basement. It was a literal concrete bunker filled to the brim with weaponry. There were racks upon racks of guns of varying shapes and sizes, swords of every type, and several other less conventional melee weapons Leon couldn't even imagine the names of. Everyone was speechless and stared at the room with dumbfounded expressions. Irvine was the first to speak, but even then, the only noise he could make was a strangled squeak that teetered somewhere between an orgasm and suffocating. He practically floated across the space to where a large sniper rifle was sitting peacefully on a tripod. He laid his hands on it and pressed his cheek against it with a giddy sigh.

"You're not going to try to fuck it, are you?" Reno blurted.

"I might," Irvine said, standing again and running his fingertips over the gun's mechanics. Leon looked around. Most of what he could recognize seemed the same as what was in Balamb, but with slight aesthetic changes. The Carrier was willing to bet they were weapons that had come from Galbadia at one point. There were a few that were of Midgar design, probably pilfered from the occasional convoy for the sake of keeping up the inventory, but it was mostly Galbadian.

"Damn it," Cloud sighed. Leon raised a brow.

"What?" he asked. The blonde pointed out from under the Carrier's arm. On the far wall was a Buster Sword that was rusted, chipped, and beat to hell and back. Cloud made a pathetic whining noise and groped the air a bit. "What's your problem? You're in no condition to be worrying about that thing," Leon said. Cloud sighed and let his arm drop again.

"It looks so sad," he whined.

"It does," Leon agreed.

"Take it with us."

"No."

"Please?"

"Why should I?"

"I want to nurse it back to health."

"No," the Carrier sighed with a roll of his eyes.

"But—"

"No. Be quiet."

"But—"

"Do you want me to drop you?"

"Not really, no."

"Then shut up," Leon grumbled. He had a hard time believing that Cloud was being serious. The only other alternative explanation for the whining was that he was purposefully being a pain in the ass, which the brunette had little patience for. When he turned away from the dilapidated blade, the blonde let out a bit of a dejected sigh. The Carrier supposed that the immature display was Cloud's way of saying his pride was dead; which it was. It made him feel less like he should drop him in a mud puddle.

Laguna provided them with a few firearms, ammunition, a couple medium sized swords and some emergency equipment that the helicopter was lacking. It had parachutes, but there was nothing to help them if they happened to land in the water, so they were given a life raft that may or may not inflate when they needed it to. It was fairly old and had been sitting in the bunker for a few years, so there was a chance it was completely useless, but it was better than nothing. He also gave them some water and a bit of food to hold them off until they got somewhere they could land. Leon couldn't eat any of it without getting sick, but he didn't say anything. When they exited the bunker to load everything in the helicopter, the sky had darkened significantly with deep gray clouds.

"Looks like rain," Laguna said, looking up. "Let's hurry and get this stuff loaded before we all get soaked," he added, hurrying off towards the main path. Everyone except Leon was carrying something weapon related, so the Carrier hung back and let them all go ahead.

"Where was the rain when I was dying yesterday?" Cloud grumbled.

"It's the desert, Cloud. If it rains, it'll be for four seconds and then it'll be gone again. I doubt it would've helped much. Besides, you should get used to dry heat. You'll be seeing a lot of it for pretty much the rest of your life once we leave here," Leon said.

"Ugh, why?"

"Because from where I come from, outside of our cities is pretty much all desert. But the places that matter to us most will be _like_ a desert, but with a few trees, some grass, and more dirt than sand."

"…Why exactly is it a good idea to go there, again?"

"Because it's my home, asshole."

"Oh, so we're going back there to die of heat stroke and play in the dirt. _Wonderful!_ Sounds like a party! I'll bring the beer."

"Fuck you. Your home isn't much better."

"At least I get to stand on grass."

"Right, and afterward you get to go work for a guy that rapes people."

"Yep. But grass is still too nice to give up," Cloud said snidely. Truthfully, he really wasn't fond of his world at that point in his life. He didn't give two damns about the nature or what the climate was like, but he still felt compelled to argue with Leon. Call it pride or a pissing match, but he just had an off feeling about the brunette that wouldn't go away. He still didn't trust him, he didn't really like him, and he most certainly didn't like being babied by him, but he couldn't deny that being around Leon was a lot better than being around Sephiroth. He wondered if he would feel bad about using the Carrier to get out of the country. Regardless of whether or not he did or didn't, he did feel he would get over it.

The rain started to pour once everything was loaded into the helicopter and secured. Leon's arms felt like they were going to fall off by that point so he climbed into the machine and set Cloud down. The blonde stretched his stiff limbs and sat while staring at the floor tiredly. The rain was supposed to only last a few minutes, but as time ticked by, it didn't relent. Reno was more than okay with it and stood outside in the downpour, smiling up at the sky. Rude just watched him from under a tree with a raised brow. Irvine had retreated to under another tree with Laguna, Kiros, and Ward, and they were talking amongst themselves.

"How are you feeling?" Leon asked, looking to his Charge. Cloud shrugged.

"Like I'm dying."

"You seem pretty casual about that."

"I can't do anything to stop it," Cloud said, glancing at the brunette. He held his hands up some and watched them shake involuntarily. He eventually sighed and set them in his lap again. "I hate this."

"It's not exactly my favorite thing, either."

"Do you know when I'm supposed to be over it?"

"No idea. I sort of forgot to ask someone, too."

"Some nurse you are. You're fired."

"Fine. Get out of the helicopter and walk your happy ass back to Midgar."

"I never said you were fired from being my mode of transportation, just my nurse. I need to get you a saddle."

"No thanks. You can walk."

"But I'm supposed to be your Changeling or something."

"My Charge," Leon said with a bit of a laugh.

"Right. Whatever," Cloud said with a dismissive wave.

"And because you're my Charge, I'm supposed to be your vehicle?"

"Yeah."

"Well, Cloud, that's quite forward of you. I didn't know you wanted to ride me that badly. Perhaps we should reconsider what we're really doing here," the brunette said, looking over his shoulder at the blonde and raising his eyebrows. Cloud wasn't amused and scowled at him. He raised a leg and shoved his boot into the Carrier's shoulder. Leon laughed.

"That's disgusting. You're disgusting. Don't say shit like that to me," the blonde growled threateningly. Leon raised a hand defensively and shrugged the shoe off his shoulder.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry. It was a joke."

"Damn right it was. If I ever get any indication that was even halfway serious, I will slit your fucking throat."

"Whoa, hostile. Calm down."

"Don't talk about me like that."

"Okay," Leon sighed with a roll of the eyes.

There was a low rumble that echoed over the pattering of rainfall. Everyone turned to look in the sound's direction only to see another helicopter crest over the trees. It was exactly like the one Reno and Rude had 'borrowed' and was flying low enough to not be too bothered by the rain. The tension in the air rose as it slowly landed several yards away from them. Reno and Rude seemed more worried than everyone else as they recognized Tseng and Elena through the cockpit windows. The pair exited the bird once shutting everything off. They didn't seem like they were there to harm anyone and casually strolled towards them with their hands in their pockets, completely ignoring the weather. Reno and Rude went to join them under everyone else's scrutinizing gaze.

"Did Rufus send you two?" Rude asked when they met. Elena shrugged.

"Technically, yes. He's got a major stick up his ass about what happened. You guys basically dick slapped him in front of everyone, you know," she said. Reno laughed a bit.

"Yeah, we kind of did."

"Why? You never said anything to us. Why did you turn all of a sudden?" Tseng chimed. The redhead looked at the ground and shifted his weight back and forth a few times. He took a minute to think of the right words before looking at the pair again. He sighed.

"Rude and I needed to leave. It has nothing to do with Rufus personally. We just needed to get out of Midgar, is all. And… well… Rufus had a lot of resources we could use."

"Were you in trouble? You could've asked us—"

"It's a bit more involved than that and it's nothing bad, so there wasn't anything we could've asked from you guys. I wish I could tell you more, but I can't."

"Well, regardless of the reason, he's got you on his shit list now. He and Sephiroth have been talking a lot for the last couple days and he's pretty much giving the go-ahead for that nutjob to come after you guys. All of you," Elena said, motioning towards the rest of the group. Reno looked behind himself at Leon and Cloud who were watching them curiously from the helicopter. The redhead turned back to his friends.

"Do you know what Sephiroth is preparing to do?"

"Rufus let him have whatever he wanted from the facility. He even gave him a red materia. You're in deep shit, guys."

"All this because we stole a helicopter?" Rude asked.

"We embarrassed him," Reno said. Reputation was everything to Rufus. It wasn't much of a stretch to think he would take such a drastic turn if it meant covering up the mess before anyone else found out about it. It did seem rather demeaning to be betrayed by the people someone paid to keep them safe. Probably the biggest hit was that he never saw it coming. To a man that had everything under control twenty-four-seven, it would've been the ultimate insult. Reno just didn't think he'd be so quick to whip out the red materia. They were in serious trouble.

"I always thought he was a bit more rational than that. Sending so much power after us seems a bit extreme," Rude said.

"It was embarrassment after several weeks of me walking the line between his good side and his bad side, if you remember. He wasn't exactly pleased with me in the first place. I'm sort of not surprised," Reno sighed sadly.

"Sephiroth is after the 'blonde faggot' specifically," Elena said, looking around Rude to the helicopter where Leon and Cloud were. She pointed at the blonde. "I assume that's the blonde faggot."

"Sephiroth wants everyone dead. I'm sure he would've killed his own child if it sneezed on him," Tseng said, rolling his eyes. Reno laughed some.

"Anyway. You passed the message along. Are you going to try to take us in, now?" he asked, sounding a bit sad. He really didn't want to fight.

"Nah, we're here to help you. Rufus sent us along to find and kill you before he had to waste money chasing after you. He's my boss, not my friend. I have loyalty towards him because he signs my paycheck. If all you're doing is trying to get out of this fuckhole of a country, then I'm all for it," Elena said. Tseng nodded in agreement.

"I feel the same way. We had three hours to get ahead and find you. We used two and a half of them to get here, so Sephiroth and whatever he's bringing with him are probably right behind us. I hope your friends are prepared," he said. Reno looked over his shoulder at the group.

"Yeah… I hope we are too."


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

"What's a red materia supposed to do?" Leon asked confusedly. Reno had joined him and Cloud in the helicopter and explained the foreboding news. To the brunette's surprise, when the redhead opened his mouth to answer his question, it was the blonde's voice that came out.

"It's a Summon," Cloud blurted. The russet Carrier raised a brow.

"Which is?" he asked.

"Well, let me put it this way," Reno said, folding his arms over his chest with a thoughtful expression. "Materia function a lot like Mako reactors, or so I was told. They suck Lifestream energy up and keep it within themselves for the person carrying it to use however they please. Most materia are a blue or green color because of the Lifestream and how much energy it has left to use before it needs to be filled again. Red materia, as I understand, are different. They don't hold any energy in them, but instead, pull huge amounts of energy from the Lifestream directly when the person needs it. That big surge of energy leaving that particular spot causes a bit of a chain reaction."

"You're getting technical and boring with it," Cloud said, rolling his eyes. Leon looked between the two curiously. "Basically when all that energy is yanked out of the ground, Eden gets really pissed and shoves something up through the dirt to come get it back."

"That was a terrible explanat—" Reno started.

"You follow Eden?" Leon interrupted, looking to Cloud with a raised brow. The blonde shook his head.

"I'm aware of her. I couldn't give two damns otherwise."

"Okay, and when you say she 'shoves something through the dirt,' what do you mean?"

"They're called Guardian Forces in Balamb because the majority of people there believe that they are Guardians of the Lifestream. Eden sends them up to protect herself when enormous amounts of energy are all of a sudden missing from the Lifestream," Reno interjected. Cloud gave him a dirty look for disrupting. The redhead ignored him and continued. "Depending on how much energy is missing delegates which Guardian Force goes up to investigate. Midgar figured out the system and crafted materia that take in specific amounts so they can summon certain guardians as they please, thus the term 'Summon.' They're sort of like demi-gods if you want to get religious about it. But the system isn't a hundred percent accurate because it's all still relatively new technology and Eden doesn't always respond."

"Yeah, okay, that doesn't tell me much. What is a Summon? Like… physically. Is it a giant magical cat or person or something?" Leon persisted.

"We don't really know until it gets here," Cloud said. "All I know is that I was always told to get my ass as far away as possible if someone was going to use one. They're out of control and start destroying shit as soon as they're here."

"That's not necessarily true," Reno said. "There are people in this world that can call these things naturally as a form of defense, supposedly. When they're called by a person, they're civil and actually work alongside them to help with whatever is happening. When they're called by materia, they're destructive. It's like the police force. Piss it off by stealing its stuff and you have a problem, but if you ask nicely, it'll help."

"Well whatever. It doesn't matter. Even if Sephiroth could call one by himself, he's fucked in the head enough to make it blow shit up anyway," Cloud said.

"You'd think these things would go on a rampage on Mako reactors if they're really supposed to be guarding the Lifestream," Leon said.

"Summons are part of the reason a lot of the cities Midgar has tried to take over have just been leveled instead of anything productive happening. They're becoming less and less frequent because they, just like everything else on this planet, need the Lifestream to function. So, over the years, it's gotten easier for Midgar to just walk in and plop down a reactor without much damage initially because the Lifestream is so weak. Wutai, for instance, was completely obliterated right when the war started because they were one of the first countries Midgar decided to take. Who knows if Sephiroth will be able to call something with the materia? It could just be a dud and he could make an ass of himself," Reno said.

"I'd rather not take that chance with an innocent city four feet away," Leon grumbled.

"Yeah, we need to get out of here. Tseng and Elena are talking to Laguna and company."

"We're still fucked no matter what we do. Even if we stop it from hurting anyone here, they'll still come after us," Cloud said. He took a deep shaking breath and slouched against the dividing wall between the cockpit and the cabin. He furrowed his brows in discomfort and rubbed his chest a bit. He was drained and the approaching threat wasn't helping him be very positive about the rest of the day. In the back of his mind, though, he was sort of hoping they happened upon a few soldiers. Midgar soldiers carried Mako with them. Mako meant feeling better to Cloud. He wasn't above pilfering some off some dead soldier's carcass, or at least, not in his current state. Perhaps later he would realize how desperate and pathetic the action sounded, but right then, he didn't care.

"Are you okay?" Leon asked, looking the blonde over carefully.

"No! I'm not fucking okay! Stop asking! Fuck!" Cloud barked angrily. Reno laughed.

"Oh, his vocabulary is _so_ extensive," he said. Leon sighed. The blonde closed his eyes and tried to steady his breathing, rasping hoarse breaths that could be heard over the rainfall. The russet Carrier tried to scoot over to him and see what the problem was, but as soon as he got close enough, Cloud shoved him away. Reno watched the exchange curiously. To him, Leon looked _crushed_. The expression lasted hardly a second before it turned neutral again and the brunette moved away. Cloud's moodiness was getting tiresome for everyone involved.

"Sound the alarm and get everyone underground," Laguna said loud enough for everyone to hear. Ward and Kiros nodded and started jogging down the path back towards the city.

"What about you guys?" Irvine chimed.

"We're fighting, of course. We're not going to just let these jackasses walk in here."

"We're leaving," Tseng said.

"No, no, no, you all need to stay here. The more defenses you have, the better. Don't worry about us; we can handle it," Laguna said with a dismissive wave of his hand. His words were kind, but his face was uncertain. With that, he headed off back towards the supply bunker.

There was an overwhelming feeling of doom that settled over the crowd as they were left alone. Cloud was just about the only one unaware of it as he had his own problems to deal with for the moment. Reno left the pair in the helicopter to go talk to Rude, Tseng, and Elena. Leon watched his Charge hold his chest with a pained expression, hoping that whatever was coming for them wasn't enough to blow them to pieces. A series of bells started to toll, causing an upheaval of activity in Winhill as its populace scrambled to get to safety. Kiros and Ward came back with a small troupe of men following behind them. They all seemed like fairly rough-and-tumble sorts of people and they broke away from the main pair to head off towards the supply bunker where Laguna was. Their presence wasn't enough to ease the mood.

"You're going to need this," Reno piped from the entrance of the helicopter. Leon turned to look at him and was handed a sword. He frowned and set it next to himself, paying more attention to Cloud than anything else. The blonde was wheezing as he struggled to catch his breath.

" _I'm scared,_ " Leon admitted to the redhead in their native tongue, his eyes glued to his Charge. Reno raised a brow.

" _Of which part?_ "

" _Losing him_."

" _Well he's not dead yet. Don't think about it too much._ "

" _I'm worried_."

" _I know you are. Didn't you say you had a friend that went through this, though? He's okay now, right?_ "

" _Zack had peace during his withdrawal. He fled and went into hiding. He wasn't dragged through the desert and forced into fights as far as I'm aware. This is different_."

"The fuck are you two saying?" Cloud asked hoarsely, his annoyance and patience reaching their limits. He opened his eyes to glare at them. He focused more on Leon since the brunette was staring at him.

"Nothing," Reno and Leon said in tandem. The redhead hefted himself back into the helicopter and scooted up behind the brunette. He wrapped the russet Carrier in a tight hug around his shoulders and kissed his cheek. Leon shifted his attention to the floor so he wouldn't have to see the look of absolute _disgust_ on Cloud's face.

" _Look at him, he's all twitchy_ ," Reno said, watching Cloud stare at them strangely. Leon didn't make a move to return any of the redhead's affection and simply sighed.

" _He's allergic to gay,_ " he said flatly.

" _Oh. We're gay together, now? Well, if he insists…_ "

" _Stop it._ "

" _Relax. He can go fuck himself if he can't accept what we are,_ " Reno said.

" _And what are we, exactly?_ "

" _Brothers. Or so I thought._ "

" _Oh. Okay._ "

" _What did you think we were_?"

" _I'm not sure,_ " Leon said with a bit of a sigh.

Before Reno could come up with a witty retort, there was a disturbance at Winhill's front threshold. Where the sand stopped and the foliage started, a large dust cloud was building. Birds escaped from the trees and flew through the rain in the opposite direction. Reno abandoned Leon and Cloud in the helicopter and hurried off to give his other friends notice. The foursome got into a heated discussion before Tseng and Elena broke away from the other two and headed off down the path towards the commotion. Leon got up and went to close up the helicopter. He locked the doors tightly and sat back down with a sigh.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Cloud asked angrily, struggling to push himself up into a better sitting position.

"Giving us somewhere to hide out in until we have no choice but to do something," Leon said.

"So you're just going to sit in here like a pussy and let all your weird friends die?"

"…They're not going to die," the brunette said. He wasn't entirely convinced that was the truth but he was far more concerned about keeping Cloud safe than he was himself or anyone else. He was aware it made him look like a coward. In essence, he was one.

"You're fucking useless," Cloud spat.

"What do you want me to do, Cloud? Go out there and draw attention to myself? Where does that leave you? If I die, you die. No one else here gives two shits about you and they sure as hell aren't going to protect you in my stead. Even if you weren't here, I'd be hesitant to do anything. I don't like fighting. I don't want any blood on my hands."

"Useless."

"Stop saying that."

"Useless."

"Do you _want_ me to leave you to die?"

"Yes."

"Cloud…" Leon said worriedly, pushing his brows together in concern.

"What's the point of protecting someone that's already dying?" the blonde asked. He coughed a few times as his breath got caught in his chest.

"You're not dying."

"Yeah well, I'd rather die than stay like this."

"This isn't permanent."

"So you say. I have yet to see any concrete evidence that you are what you say you are and that you really can help me. Until I get some, this is how I feel. Fucking deal with it," Cloud mumbled. Leon scooted towards him and reached out a hand to pat his shoulder and give him some encouragement. The blonde smacked it away. "Don't fucking touch me. You're disgusting."

Leon watched him for a couple minutes, his chest feeling like it had a hole blown through it. Cloud was exhausted with the effort of conversation and shakily let himself slide down the wall to the side until he could lie on the floor of the helicopter and try to catch his breath. The brunette sat quietly until it was clear the blonde wasn't going to talk to him anymore. He unlocked the door and shuffled out of the helicopter with a heavy heart. He closed the door behind himself and leaned against it with a sigh.

"What are you doing out here?" Reno asked, approaching him with Rude in tow.

"Cloud doesn't want me in there with him," Leon said flatly.

"What? Why?"

"Well, I guess I'm a coward, useless, and disgusting."

"Oh. Well that seems like a reasonable sort of mentality. Excuse me," Reno said, reaching to open the helicopter again. Leon put a hand on his arm to stop him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to castrate him."

"Name calling isn't that big of a deal, Reno."

"It's a buildup of things. I'm just tired of seeing you miserable."

"Well, regardless, I need his testicles. Leave him alone."

"You're too forgiving."

"Don't start," Leon said with a roll of his eyes. "What happened to your friends?"

"Tseng and Elena? They went ahead to see what's happening and if they could stall and give us a little more time. Laguna and his random team of guys haven't come back yet. We're sort of totally outnumbered," Reno said. Leon stepped away from the helicopter and started walking around it. Rude and the redhead followed. The brunette squinted into the distance. The dust cloud was settling, which was a bit of a mixed message. It either meant the crowd heading towards them was stalled by Tseng and Elena, or they were in the rain, which meant they were closer since the ground was wet and the dirt didn't fly as well.

"This is such a cluster fuck. Why are we waiting for them again?" Leon asked.

"Laguna says he can help. What's the worst that happens? We run away like bitches later as opposed to now? Either way we're going to be chased. May as well take a few guys out before we get to that point," Reno said. He turned to his Charge who wore a stoic expression with tense posture.

"Hmm?" he hummed, raising a brow in recognition to the redhead staring up at him.

"Be careful, please," Reno said. Rude nodded.

"Okay."

"I should find somewhere else to put Cloud. The helicopters are a little obvious," Leon said.

"They're also made of metal and way safer than hiding behind a bush or something," Reno said.

The brunette shrugged and turned to go see if he could find a better place. He got only a few yards away before Laguna and his men returned. The group split up and dispersed into the foliage with heavy armaments. They all but disappeared amongst the brush. Laguna, Kiros, Ward, and Irvine huddled together to talk amongst themselves, leaving Leon and everyone else out of whatever plan they had. In the distance, the dust cloud was virtually gone but the rumble of approaching vehicles could be heard. Tseng and Elena could be seen running back towards them full tilt.

"They have a couple of Fenrirs and a big transport van," Tseng said when he reached the group. Elena wasn't far behind.

"Which transport?" Reno asked.

"One of the Behemoths."

"Fuck, they stuff like… thirty guys in those things," Reno grumbled, rubbing his eyes. Leon took that as a cue to ignore Cloud's protesting and climb back into the helicopter with him. The blonde was lying right where he had been before, his eyes closed, almost as if he was sleeping.

"Cloud," the brunette called, nudging his Charge. Cloud grunted and peeled an eye open to look at him.

"Go away," he mumbled.

"I need to move you somewhere else."

"No."

"Too bad," Leon said, shoving the blonde and rolling him onto his back. Cloud put his hands on the Carrier's biceps and tried to push him away.

"Don't touch me," he said grumpily. Leon sighed and ignored the pushing. He scooped his Charge up by his armpits and slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Cloud didn't have the energy to resist very long so he purposely became dead weight in an attempt to hinder Leon further.

"Is he dead?" Reno asked when Leon emerged from the helicopter again.

"Nope, just being a bitch," the brunette said nonchalantly, carrying the blonde off towards the woods.

"Now my ass is wet," Cloud said as the rain poured over them.

"Sounds like a personal problem." Leon ducked and weaved through the trees, trying to avoid low laying branches so his Charge's face wouldn't get scraped off. The dense foliage was decent coverage as it was and it didn't take the Carrier very long to find a place to set the blonde down. He settled Cloud between a couple of dead trees and took his jacket off. He draped it over his Charge's head.

"Why do you insist on putting your clothes on me?" Cloud asked.

"Just humor me. Your hair sticks out like a fucking banana in the dark so I'm trying to make you a little less obvious. I could just bury you in leaf litter if you're going to get uppity about it," Leon said. The blonde sighed and adjusted the jacket before leaning against one of the trees with a huff.

"Just don't forget me here."

"I won't. Stay down and don't do anything stupid."

"Yes mom."

"Good," the brunette said, leaving Cloud and heading back towards the path. The Midgar transport vehicle was within sight by the time he returned. He quickly retrieved the sword from where he had left it.

"Did you hide him in a flower patch like an innocent fairy?" Reno asked teasingly.

"I don't know how you can crack jokes right before we're about to die," Leon said.

"Such optimism."

Leon shrugged. "Expect the worst, hope for the best."

"I bet that makes you a _blast_ at parties."

"Like a god damn quadriplegic clown. You should see me blow up balloons with my nose," the brunette said sarcastically. Reno laughed. The russet Carrier looked around. He, Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Elena were the only ones within immediate eyesight. He halfway expected Laguna and company to disappear like the rest of their men, but not Irvine. He wasn't sure what to make of it.

The Midgar soldiers riding Fenrirs approached them first. They stopped their bikes, got off civilly, and walked to Tseng and Elena in order to speak to them. The conversation was brief, as the soldiers were more curious as to why Reno, Rude, and Leon weren't being hauled back to the prison yet. Tseng and Elena spoke casually, eventually giving the very clear indication that they weren't doing anything Rufus Shrinra wanted them to. Tension was high as the transport vehicle grew closer and eventually stopped behind the parked motorcycles. The dismounted soldiers eventually went to reach for their swords, ready to take what they came for by force. Once they began to unsheathe, a shot rang out from the woods and a spurt of blood exploded from the side of one of the soldiers' head. He dropped to the mud lifelessly. The other soldiers near him startled and backed away.

The side door of the Behemoth slid open and a very familiar head of silver hair emerged calmly. Sephiroth held up a hand with casual expression. Around his wrist was a bangle with several materia lodged inside, including the red one Rufus had given him. He frowned when he saw the soldier lying on the ground. "I don't understand where you people get off thinking you can kill my men without a valid reason. But, I'm willing to let it pass if you all come with me quietly," he said. The other soldiers started to filter out of the vehicle behind him.

"If Rufus just wants his helicopters back, he can have them," Reno said. Sephiroth laughed.

"Oh, he wants much more than that. Plus, I have a bit of an agenda of my own. Just come quietly and I promise your deaths will be quick and painless," the General said snidely.

"Not a chance," Leon said. Sephiroth raised a surprised brow, as if he had forgotten the Carrier was there.

"Suit yourselves," he said, raising a hand and giving the men behind him a wave. The majority of the group started to advance and the subsequent torrent of bullets that flew out of the woods was abrupt and ear piercing. Bodies started dropping quickly. Leon could hardly focus on the soldiers coming at him. He was far more concerned about the one that stepped up to Sephiroth's side and spoke in the General's ear. The soldier pointed off towards the trees in the direction Leon had come from. A snarling smile spread across Sephiroth's face before he nodded and stomped off towards the woods.

 _Fuck. They must have seen me come back from hiding Cloud,_ Leon swore to himself and quickly ducked behind the helicopter just as the horde of remaining soldiers met with Reno and the redhead's friends. Sharp sounds of metal on metal tugged at the brunette's psyche, but his focus was on the possible dangers heading towards his Charge. He tiptoed towards the tree line, following the familiar head of silver hair that was a moderate distance away.

Sephiroth seemed completely comfortable walking straight into a forest of armed gunmen. He calmly pressed one of the materia on his wrist inward and gave the bangle a spin. Nothing happened outwardly, which confused Leon at first. But, as gunshots rang out towards the General, the purpose was clear. The bullets stopped mid-flight, getting stuck in a protective barrier made from the Lifestream before toppling into the groundcover harmlessly. The invisible wall rippled like water from the impact, distorting the backdrop behind it; the only evidence that it existed. Once the shots quieted, Sephiroth scanned the trees, squinting up at the branches.

The General slowed the bangle's spinning and chose another materia to engage. He held his hand up towards a tree and spindly green wisps of the Lifestream wove around his fingers. The man that was supposedly in the tree started to scramble away quickly, disturbing the branches and shaking a bunch of leaves around. He didn't have enough time to move before a flash of lightning bolted from Sephiroth's fingertips, all but splintering the branch the man was sitting on. The gunner yelled and fell harshly onto the forest floor, his equipment falling after him and clattering as it landed. Sephiroth was practically standing on the man in an instant, drawing his sword and skewering him through his neck. The gunman let out a choked gargle before falling silent shortly thereafter. Leon's stomach lurched, but he didn't have time to worry about the fallen man as Sephiroth continued on through the woods.

It was starting to feel a little like every celestial being ever worshipped was out to get him, Leon thought. Not only was a terrifying homicidal maniac heading towards his Charge, but he was equipped with electricity he could call at the flick of a wrist and a protective barrier that made him invulnerable. The brunette followed Sephiroth at a safe distance, keeping a low profile as he waited to see if he would even find Cloud in the first place. As they walked, the General ended up finding two other gunmen in the trees and disposed of them in much of the same manner as the first. The only difference was that they hadn't had a chance to fire any shots at him before he got to them.

Leon's heart started racing as Sephiroth grew closer and closer to the thicket where he had left Cloud. The blonde's scent was everywhere and though he knew the General couldn't use that to his advantage, it still made his heart race. The last thing he wanted to do was confront Sephiroth as he knew his sword skills weren't nearly up to par. He could only hope Cloud had listened to him and stayed hidden as much as possible. Sephiroth was observant and was constantly looking around with a careful scan. Even if he didn't know exactly where Leon had been when he came out of the woods, the Carrier didn't doubt that he would see Cloud if the blonde was stupid enough to leave where he was set.

Leon squinted ahead of himself. A short distance away was an oversized dead tree with a hollowed base. A tuft of yellowy blonde was sticking out of the hole and there was movement, making a bit of noise as leaf litter was moved around. The angle of the hole was situated enough to where both he and Sephiroth saw it. The General let out a triumphant laugh and headed towards the hollow tree. The brunette didn't allow himself time to hesitate as he ran ahead through the brush to meet the General halfway. A hollowed out tree was an okay hiding place for Cloud, granted the blonde knew how to keep quiet, which apparently he didn't. Leon swore under his breath at his Charge's stupidity. Sephiroth stopped walking when the Carrier slid to a stop in front of the tree several yards away from him, sword up and poised defensively.

"I shouldn't be surprised that you're here, but I am. With the way you two lovebirds ran away together, one would think I'd be jealous," Sephiroth said. Leon wasn't amused and simply glared at him. The man laughed. "So feisty. Where was this fighting spirit the other day? I like 'em spicy."

"Shut up," the Carrier spat.

"It doesn't have to be this way. My quarrel isn't with you. You were just being a good boy and submitting like you were supposed to. It's your sunshine that has me angry."

"Shut up."

"Just give him to me and I'll let you live."

"No," Leon growled. Sephiroth's eyes narrowed on him for a tense moment of silence before he abruptly lunged forward, bloodied blade thrust forward ready to strike. The General's sword was much thinner than the one the brunette had been given, and Leon stupidly hoped that there was less force behind it because of that. He was wrong. Sephiroth's blade met his and sparks flew as they glanced over one another, Leon stepping to the side in order to avoid being trampled in the process.

Without missing a beat, the General continued forward towards the tree, forcing Leon to give chase. The brunette realized that Sephiroth's protective shield was missing. Unless the man could somehow mentally conjure one up at will, the Carrier doubted he could use more than one materia at a time. Plus, there was a pause between switching spells. Even if he needed the shield, Leon was willing to bet he could make it to him before anything happened. The miniature epiphanies made him feel a little better about catching up and getting close. Even if the General was stronger than him, and more experienced, Leon's reflexes were more finely tuned and he was faster.

When they were almost to the tree, Sephiroth abruptly stopped and turned, swinging his sword back, attempting to catch Leon off guard. The Carrier twisted to the side, bringing his own blade up to block it. The General kept pushing back, forcing Leon to sidestep in order to keep his footing. The brunette took a small jump back, breaking the strain for a moment, allowing Sephiroth to turn and raise his blade up for a downward slash. Again, Leon caught the weapon with his own, holding the tension above his shoulders as the General towered over him. Sephiroth's hold on the blade, though strong, was shaky. Leon could see the man's arms quaking as he struggled to keep the pressure on to try and overwhelm him.

"Having a problem?" the Carrier asked through his teeth, with a bit of a grunt. Sephiroth didn't respond, but a flash in the back of his eyes told Leon he was right. He didn't know what the problem was, but he was perfectly okay with it being there. But, in an effort to not be caught with a weakness, the General gave a firm push, sending Leon back a few inches, just enough for the other's boot to come up and kick him in the ribs. The wind was knocked from the brunette's lungs, but he kept his footing. A hand pressed into his chest, and his eyes froze on the rapidly spinning bangle on the wrist attached to it.

The impact of the bolt of electricity was enough to send Leon to the ground on his back. The Carrier screamed as the current ripped through his body, making his vision black out and his muscles spasm. Once the initial jolt was over with, he was surprised he was still alive. It felt like a sledgehammer had been thrown through his torso and it was difficult for him to breathe. He rolled onto his side weakly, straining back pained yells and holding his chest as his heart thundered against his ribcage. His colors had drained, of course, but they were the least of his concerns.

Sephiroth laughed at his expense and made his way to the tree. The hole in its trunk looked just big enough to fit a head and pair of adult shoulders. How far in the hole went, Leon couldn't tell. Just the idea of Cloud being able to fit through it was enough to heighten his anxiety. The General's approach didn't help matters either, and without looking in the tree, the man simply shoved his blade through the half rotted outside. There was a gurgling choke that rang out from the hiding place that made Leon's eyes water. Sephiroth withdrew the blade just enough to show it smeared with blood before he thrust it in again. Then again. Then again. Every time he stabbed the tree, Leon's world crumbled just a bit more.

His limbs were twitching as he tried to make them cooperate. They quaked as he weakly pushed himself up into a semi-sitting position. His legs were the worst as they didn't want to bend and help him stand. It took him far longer than he felt it should have in order to get himself on his feet, and he teetered in place, using his sword as a cane. He stood still for a moment, panting and waiting for his body to feel somewhat normal again. Whatever damage that had been done to Cloud was out of his control by that point, waiting any longer wasn't going to change much. He sincerely hoped his Charge wasn't dead, but his rational mind told him he was. Sephiroth had just fucked everything his life could've hoped to be. His family was dead before it even started.

Leon was seeing red. Every moral and ethical part of himself flew out the window and was replaced by an insurmountable amount of rage. Sephiroth was laughing like some sort of deranged child that had ripped the wings off a butterfly, skewering the tree over and over again simply because he could. The distraction lasted long enough for the Carrier's muscles to remember to pay attention. He stalked towards the General with fire in his colorless eyes. Sephiroth heard him and stopped what he was doing to look over his shoulder. He startled, his eyes glued to Leon's hair and its lack of pigment. It took him a second to register that the Carrier was coming to kill him, and when he did, he reached to tug his blade out of the tree and defend himself. It stayed stuck for the first couple pulls, which was enough time for Leon to reach him.

Without any hesitation, the Carrier lunged forward, blade at the ready, and impaled the man through the small of his back. The metal hit the meat of the tree and Leon gave it an extra shove, pinning Sephiroth to the bark. The General screamed, immediately bringing his hands up to push himself back in an attempt to pull the blade out using his entire self. Leon didn't doubt that the man had a materia that could fix all of the damage he had just caused, and he chose to leave his blade stuck in the tree for that specific reason. He was betting that healing oneself around some foreign body wasn't a good idea, the only problem was that Sephiroth was strong enough to pull himself out and _then_ fix everything.

In order to stop him, Leon lifted a foot and shoved it forward, pinning the man's bicep to the tree. He leaned forward and grabbed the wrist of that same arm and yanked it backwards, popping the limb into sickening uselessness. Sephiroth's subsequent scream echoed through the trees. The Carrier repeated the process on the other arm, rendering both limbs useless. The General lay against the tree, Leon's blade the only thing holding him upright, panting with hoarse whines escaping his throat every now and again. The not-so-brunette stepped into his line of vision with a blank stare. Sephiroth was fading in an out of consciousness, his eyes drooping even as he tried to stay awake. Blood was seeping out of his wound and trailing down the tree underneath him.

"Please…" he rasped. "I can't—" he stopped as his words got choked behind a cough that sent a dribble of red down his chin. "I can't die yet."

"Sure you can," Leon said blandly and stepped around him to inspect the hole in the tree. He pulled the General's blade from the wood, his hands starting to shake as the reality of the situation settled in. He suddenly felt so drained and tired as his adrenaline left him quickly. He dropped to his knees next to the opening of the tree and hesitantly stuck his arm inside. Almost immediately his fingers bumped into something soft and wet. His eyes started to water as he attempted to grab hold of it and pull it out so he could see. His fingers slipped away with a clump of something and his stomach did a bit of a churn even before he could see what it was. He pulled his hand out and let out a choked sob he had been holding in.

He had a handful of bloodied yellow feathers. He covered his mouth with his other hand as he started sobbing out of sheer relief. He rubbed his eyes with his clean hand, his mouth twisted in what could only be described as a maniacal grin. He sniffed back the rest of his tears and started looking around for wherever Cloud really was. He reached over and took the end of Sephiroth's coat to use to wipe his hand off. Leon took a deep breath to gather himself before he used the General's sword to help get himself to his feet. He was tired, but so very happy. He walked further out into the clearing and carefully scanned the underbrush and low lying plants for another area that looked similar to the one he was standing in. He didn't have to look very far.

Behind a fallen tree, away from where he was originally placed, was a pair of bright blue eyes just _staring_ at him from between the dead tree's branches. Leon let out another long sigh and clomped over to where Cloud was. The blonde still had his jacket covering his head like he was supposed to and he wore the most befuddled open-mouthed expression he could muster as he gaped at the Carrier's hair and eyes. He had seen the whole thing. Leon flopped to the ground next to him and Cloud found himself abruptly crushed to the Carrier's chest. Said Carrier buried his face in the side of his Charge's neck as he sniffled loudly and huffed a muted sob.

"Uh…" Cloud trailed stupidly. Leon laughed a little and leaned back to see the blonde's face. He pulled the jacket off of him and smoothed a hand through his hair, sniffling.

"Your head looks like a chocobo's ass."


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

After the initial surge of emotional relief, Leon let Cloud go and scooted away from him like he assumed the blonde would want him to. He was busy wiping his face dry with the back of his hands when he felt fingers slide through his hair. He froze, unsure of how he should react. Peeking over his hand, he could see Cloud wearing a very confused face as he combed the synthetic follicles around and tried his hardest to understand what he was looking at. Leon didn't stop him and just sat there and let himself be petted. His Charge eventually stopped and sat back with furrowed brows.

"Do you believe me now?" Leon asked.

"I…" Cloud started and ended with a frustrated sigh. He opened and closed his mouth a few times as he tried to figure out what he was trying to say. So many mixed feelings were bubbling around in his head, he could hardly think straight. "I'm not sure."

"What more can I do to convince you?"

"I believe you are what you say you are and that you're not from here. I believe that we're going somewhere and that I won't come back here. But… everything else, I'm still not sure. I still don't believe you can help me, or give me everything you said you're going to give me. Like an education, a better life, and… answers. Just because you've proven you're different doesn't mean I should trust you."

"Fair enough. So long as you're still coming with me, I don't care if you hate me, or don't trust me, or… whatever," the Carrier said. He could fix the blonde's doubt eventually. Just having the security of being together was enough for him right then. They sat awkwardly for a few minutes before Cloud cleared his throat.

"So."

"So?"

"Are we going to sit here and wait for the other guys to find Sephiroth or are we going to be smart and leave him and get the hell out of here?"

"Oh. Right," Leon agreed, pushing himself up. He took his jacket back and put it on before holding both of his hands down to Cloud to help pull him up onto his feet. The blonde ambled onto the Carrier's back and they started off towards the helicopters and sounds of battle.

"So I thought you didn't like fighting?" Cloud asked, making idle conversation to break the semi-silence. Leon glanced over his shoulder, getting an eyeful of unruly blonde hair.

"I don't."

"Well you didn't hesitate all that much back there."

"I was angry."

"Oh, is that how it works? If I make you angry you'll kill me?"

"No. You're too important to me."

"…That's creepy."

"Sorry. If I promise to break your arms when I'm angry will that make you feel better?"

"Not really."

"Then there isn't much I can say to console you. We'll get you a therapist when we have a minute," Leon said. Cloud rolled his eyes.

"So did you kill him because he's a bad guy?" he asked. He really didn't want to believe Leon was protecting him. The idea seemed so foreign, as he had always been taught that he had to defend himself since no one else would; especially not his fellow soldiers. He also didn't like the Carrier very much and was seriously uncomfortable thinking he was _that_ valuable to him.

"No. There isn't really such a thing as a 'bad guy.'"

"Are you fucking stupid? Of course there is!"

*"Right and wrong are not what separate us and our enemies. It's our different standpoints, our perspectives that separate us. Both sides blame one another. There's no good or bad side. Just two sides holding different views."

"So you killed him because he has different views than the ones you have."

"No. I killed him because I thought he was killing _you_."

"He killed a baby chocobo."

"I know that now."

"Do you regret it?"

"Defending you or killing him?"

"Both."

"I regret killing him," Leon said flatly.

"That's stupid," Cloud clipped.

"I'm sorry you think so. I don't feel I should have the right to take someone's life. It's not my place. I don't care how fucked in the head he was."

"So you _do_ think he was a bad guy."

"I think he was bad only because he wasn't part of what I consider 'normal.' Just like everyone else, I make my own judgments based on what I think is right and wrong but that doesn't mean my views are an absolute truth. I'm allowed to have my opinions. It doesn't mean I can impose them on someone else and take their life because of it. Even if I think he was 'bad,' it doesn't mean he really was; he was just different from me."

"So… do you think _I'm_ a bad guy?"

"No."

"But I've done a lot of the same stuff he did."

"I know."

"Then why are we different?"

"Because."

"Because why?" Cloud asked. He didn't understand how Leon could kill Sephiroth and then turn around and help him escape to a (supposedly) better life. The blonde felt that he and the General weren't all that different. Their sins were eerily similar in a lot of ways.

"Why do you want me to think you're the same?"

"Because we are."

"No you're not."

"How can you say that? We did the same things!"

"But you understand that what you did was wrong, yeah?"

"Well… yeah… but—"

"That's the difference. Had the military never gotten a hold of you, you would've never done any of it. Sephiroth didn't really have much of a choice and was pretty messed up from the beginning."

"How do you know that? He could've been like me."

"No. He wasn't," Leon said, remembering the soulless five year old from so many years before.

"But you can't know for sure."

"…Yes I can."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, you can't."

"Cloud, yes I can. Just shut up and I'll explain it to you eventually."

"Are you going to tell me you were his nanny at one point or some other weird shit?"

"No. Just believe me for a minute and I'll explain eventually."

"But—"

"Shh!" Leon shushed, stopping suddenly and straining an ear to listen. He thought he had heard something in the near distance and gingerly moved behind a patch of scrub to camouflage them a bit. He could see a couple of Midgar soldiers weaving between the trees in the direction they had just come from. It was only a matter of time before they found Sephiroth and Leon didn't want to think about what they might do. He waited until they were out of earshot before he started off towards the helicopters again, picking up the pace to near running.

The sounds of metal on metal rang out and echoed in his head. Gunshots pierced the air every now and again, though much of the action was focused on the hand-to-hand. Leon could see the helicopter sitting amongst the activity and slowly sneaked towards it. Reno happened to see him in the distance but couldn't focus on the immediately alarming sight of the not-so-brunette's suddenly colorless hair. He was forced to pay attention when a Midgar solider came at him with an upwards swing of his blade. The redhead jumped back, but only managed to get away enough to dodge most of the damage, not all of it. The soldier sliced his forearm, making him cry out and recoil. Rude was nearby and hurried to the Carrier's aid. He caught the solider off guard and grabbed him by the back of his hair, yanking him away. He was quick to bring his other hand up and cover the soldier's face. A swift jerk of his hands in either direction and the sound of the man's neck popping out of place practically echoed through the forest. He fell limply to the mud, sword falling aside harmlessly. Rude went to Reno's side and looked his arm over.

"You okay?" he asked simply. The redhead was in a bit of a daze from heroic rescue and stared at his Charge, his cheeks a bit pink.

"Y-yeah. I'll be okay," he said sheepishly. He was bleeding, but he doubted the cut would scar. He looked towards the helicopter where Leon was scooting in with Cloud and closing the door behind them. "We need to go. Something's up with Leon and Cloud," he said matter-of-factly.

"What about Tseng and Elena?" Rude asked. The activity was dispersed around the open pathway in small pods of a few people each. Tseng and Elena were off in the far distance holding their own just fine.

"We can't really afford a tearful goodbye, you know? Where's that smelly guy we're supposed to take with us?" Reno asked, looking around. The pair started jogging towards the helicopter.

"I have no idea. Wasn't he supposed to be one of the snipers?"

"I… guess? I have no idea. No one told us anything," Reno huffed. They reached the helicopter and the redhead yanked open the door. The back half of Leon was sticking out of the dividing wall between the cockpit and the rear cabin. He was digging around in the front looking for the computers.

"Hey," Cloud said tiredly, reaching a hand out and poking Leon's calf.

"What?" Leon asked, pulling back and looking at his Charge. The blonde pointed towards Reno and Rude and the not-so-brunette startled a little. The redhead scrambled into the cabin and looked his friend over worriedly. Leon held up a hand before any protesting and coddling could start and returned to digging around in the cockpit. He eventually found what he was looking for and pulled the machine into the cabin with him. He sat on the floor and paid no mind to the staring eyes as he plugged himself into the computer and went about resetting his colors. Rude and Cloud were the most interested and practically went bug-eyed when the Carrier's hair changed back to its normal russet hue.

"What happened?" Reno persisted.

"Nothing. We need to leave," Leon said flatly, setting his eye color.

"That's probably the least reassuring thing you've ever said to me."

"Sorry," the brunette said. He unplugged himself and left the computer on the floor of the cabin to go back outside. The image of the soldiers heading through the woods towards Sephiroth made his heart race. The desire to get as far away as possible was immense. Reno watched his friend with confusion as he exited the helicopter. Leon cupped his hands around his mouth. "Irvine! Time to go!" he yelled, his profound vocal cords echoing the voice through the trees. Reno and Rude took that as a huge clue to get the machine started.

As the blades of the helicopter started to spin and pick up speed, the fighting further down the pathway started to slow. Almost everyone was looking to see what was happening. Irvine dropped out of a tree with a sniper rifle strapped to his back and started running towards the machine. Leon climbed back inside, closing the door just enough to keep them mostly protected with enough space to see Irvine coming. The few remaining Midgar soldiers turned their attention to the helicopter, some pulling out small handguns and firing shots at the carapace. Shots dug into the ground at Irvine's feet as he sprinted to the door just in time for Leon to pull it open again and usher him inside. The helicopter started to lift just as the sniper's feet left the ground and the Carrier was sliding the door closed again.

"Get parachutes on!" Reno called to the back as they started to rise. Irvine and Leon went to the back storage compartment to dig around for the lifesaving backpacks. They passed two up front to Reno and Rude before going back for ones for themselves. Bullets clanked against the sides of the machine, making the air inside turn panicked. They rose above the tree line, successfully pulling out of harm's way. Leon worried about getting a parachute on himself. He went back for one for Cloud and discovered that there wasn't one. There were only four and Irvine had the last one. The Carrier went to sit next to Cloud.

"Guess who gets to be carried some more," he said flatly, considering taking the one from Irvine and shoving him out of the helicopter. His Charge scowled.

"Oh _goody_. Just what I need. More babying," he said. Leon patted his shoulder.

"Don't worry. I won't let you die without me."

"I'm so happy to hear that," Cloud grumbled. Leon went to duck into the cockpit, reaching in and pulling the backpack that held his and Reno's computers. He went back and shoved the blonde around until the machines were firmly strapped to him. Cloud sat back and was obviously unhappy with the turn in events. The Carrier couldn't disagree with him.

* * *

Sephiroth was having a _very_ bad day. In fact, his whole week was pretty much garbage. Dying while skewered to a rotting tree was pretty much the icing on the cake for him. His dying thoughts were all regrets from his life, things he never would achieve and things he wished he hadn't done. It was a long list for both topics and he was only about halfway through recalling them all when the life finally left him and the wisps of the Lifestream drained from his body to the earth below. Of course, no one really knew that, and the soldiers trekking through the woods to find him were very surprised to see the scene. They hurried to his side and tried to wake him and see if he was hanging on just enough to be saved. He wasn't.

"Fuck," one of them, a taller man, sighed. He looked to his shorter friend who seemed extremely distressed.

"What do we do?" the short one asked.

"I have no idea, man. I don't even know where we are."

"Damn it."

"This is bad. Mr. Shinra is expecting us to go back with the prisoners and minimal casualties."

"This is a little far from 'minimal,' don't you think?"

"Yeah, I know, that's why I said it was bad," the tall one said, slapping the other on the shoulder. Neither of them was personally upset by Sephiroth's death. He hadn't been the most pleasant person to be around and didn't have many friends. They were more concerned about what Rufus Shinra was going to do to them.

"Do you think we should take him with us?"

"Don't see why we should. He's dead."

"Well yeah… but I mean… evidence or something."

The taller one sighed. "Okay fine. Evidence," he said, looking the General over. He grabbed the man's shattered arm and pulled it up, unclipping the oversized bangle from around his wrist. He held it out to his friend. "Here."

"I don't want it. You hang onto it," the other said, holding up his hands in refusal.

"What? You're the one who thinks we need evidence!"

"Yeah, but that thing scares me. It has a red materia on it."

"You're such a pussy, yeesh," the taller one said with a roll of his eyes. He fastened the bangle to his own wrist and started walking back towards the fighting and transport. His friend hurried after him, casting a glance over his shoulder at the General he had been so afraid of for most of his deployment.

"Mr. Shinra wants that materia back, you know," he said.

"Yeah, and we can give it to him. No big deal."

"Have you ever seen a Summon before?"

"Nope," the taller one said, stopping to give the bangle a look over. "I sort of want to though."

"You can't be serious."

"But I am."

"Don't do it."

"But I want to."

"Dude, seriously," the smaller one protested. His friend was already moving to depress the materia in its slot. "Don't!" the other protested.

"Shut up, what's the worst that happens?" the taller one said, pressing the ruby orb inward and giving the bangle a spin. His friend started to nervously run his fingers through his own hair, watching the materia spin closely.

Nothing happened. Or at least, nothing that they could see. But below the surface of the earth, underneath the roots of the trees, there was a disturbance. The energy keeping the plant life alive started to filter out of the leaves and branches and siphon through the soil towards where the pair was standing. The tops of the trees died first, the color and moisture being sucked from the greenery, the stems falling away from the twigs and flitting towards the ground. It started with the ones closest to them, but eventually started to spread as the red materia pulled more and more life from the scenery around them. Everything started to fade to an unhealthy color of ashen gray, making the soldiers look around in mild horror.

"You've killed us, dude," the short one said, taking the dying forest as a cue that something really bad was going to happen, and rightfully so.

In the distance, as the death spread, the snipers hiding in the trees were slowly uncovered as the leaves around them started to fall. Fragile dead branches snapped, dropping several of them to the ground. The violent activity stopped as everyone noticed what was happening and started looking around for the source. The pair of soldiers stepped out of the woods with sheepish looks. The taller one tried to stop the bangle from spinning but he couldn't. The friction from touching it burned him and he cried out, wrenching his hand away and holding his other wrist out as if he was afraid of it.

"What the _fuck_ did you do?" one of the remaining soldiers yelled at him.

"I didn't think it would do anything!" the taller one yelled back with obvious fear in his voice.

As the energy started to build up under the earth, it began to seep through the soil and form a pool under the soldier's boots. The shorter one fled, running over to the rest of his comrades. Thick tangible tendrils of the Lifestream started to dance out of the dirt like glowing tentacles, wrapping themselves around the soldier's legs and sealing him in place. He started to scream as the raw energy sizzled his clothing and licked at his skin. The remaining Midgar soldiers ran back to their transports and hurriedly tried to get away. Laguna, Kiros, Ward, and their snipers all started to flee towards Winhill. Elena and Tseng ran back to their helicopter and were in the air quickly. By this point, Leon and everyone else were far enough away to remain completely clueless.

The ground started to shift and shake under the dying soldier's feet as he was wrapped in a cocoon that peeled his skin and burned away his hair and clothing. Large cracks split the earth, showing that the bubble around the soldier was just the tip of the proverbial energy iceberg. The pool of the Lifestream stretched for miles in either direction that only started to show when the ground fell into the abyss below. Winhill was directly in the split's path and the people started to panic and run from their hiding places in all directions. The group heading back towards the city didn't have much of a chance and all of them were sucked into the chasm as it opened below them. Buildings shook and collapsed, pavement and stonework crumbled like sand, countless lives were suddenly obliterated, surrendering their own energy to the massive gathering underneath. The Midgar transport full of soldiers wasn't saved from the danger and toppled into the crack as well.

An enormous black scaled hand with four fingers and claws that were longer than a bus, burst out of the crack in the earth. It grabbed onto the edge and started pulling itself along the ground. Soon it was accompanied by another hand, the tips of a pair of clawed onyx and crimson wings, and a pair of horns that stood taller than any building in Winhill. The creature pulled apart the ground as it emerged from the recesses of the Lifestream, dragging its massive body out of the depths and into the open air. It was a dragon, named Bahamut, who was seen as the Dragon King by the people of Balamb. He knocked away trees as he stood upright, towering over the forest and making its woodland inhabitants flee as fast as they could.

All Bahamut knew was that the huge pool of energy underneath himself was sitting there instead of being part of the Lifestream, the forest and people around him were dead and useless, and that someone on the surface had done it by unnatural means. Said soldier had been reduced to a pile of dust and the materia that had been used to call the dragon there in the first place was gone, so there was no one to blame and not much of a way to fix the problem. This was not a happy venture in his opinion and made him quite angry. As he turned to check everything around him, crunching the forest underfoot, he could see two black _things_ (the helicopters) flying away from him. Taking their escape as a sign of guilt and cowardice, the dragon decided that they would be the ones to pay for all the damage caused. One black thing was a lot farther away than the other black thing, but Bahamut didn't feel the need to rush. He was, after all, much faster than them regardless, and hurrying wasted precious energy that Eden couldn't afford to give him.

* * *

"So where are we going now?" Cloud asked tiredly. He was using Leon for support, having flopped forward and smashed his face into the Carrier's collar bones. He was too exhausted to move, care, or complain. Every muscle in his body felt like a blob of tangled noodles and his limbs may as well have not existed. Leon was worried of course, but couldn't do much for him until they got back to Balamb. Hopefully someone there would know how to help.

"Balamb. Then we're leaving for my home," he said.

"Oh…" the blonde trailed.

"Is that a problem?"

"I don't speak the language."

"I know. I'll try to stick by you and translate."

"Okay," Cloud huffed, contemplating falling asleep. Leon reached up and slid his fingers through the pokey blonde follicles. Cloud immediately pulled back and shoved him away with a glare. He settled for lying on the floor of the cabin, using his own arms as a pillow. It took the Carrier a second to realize what he had done and frowned at himself. He wasn't sure why he had felt compelled to pet his Charge, but he was more concerned that he did it without thinking about it first.

The transmitter up front in the cockpit crackled to life and a frantic female voice started to speak up. It was Elena in the other helicopter, attempting to get Reno and Rude's attention. The redhead had been busying himself with wrapping his arm and startled when the noise abruptly burst from the speakers. He reached forward to turn the dial, trying to get the channel set on a more stable wavelength so he could understand his friend a little easier.

"Reno! Rude! Are you there?" Elena yelled. Reno picked up the handset to respond.

"Yeah, we're here. What's wrong?" he asked.

"Something happened in Winhill. One of those idiot grunts activated the red materia and it practically destroyed everything before the Summon even got here!" she explained angrily. Tseng started talking quickly in the background, forcing Reno to lean into the speaker of the radio to see if he could hear what was going on. The pair on the other end were talking amongst themselves. There was a long pause with nothing but silence until Elena started to scream. Tseng was soon to start after her. Their voices rang through the speakers for only a few seconds before everything went quiet again, with only the sound of light static to be heard.

"Shit," Reno spat unhappily, tossing the handset aside and pulling himself into the back of the helicopter.

"What's wrong?" Leon asked as he watched the redhead make his way to the door to pull it open. He leaned himself out into the open air so he could look behind them. All he could see in the distance was a thick black puff of smog with debris falling from it. Next to the cloud was an enormous dragon that looked to still be chewing on whatever piece of the helicopter he had gotten a hold of. Reno's blood ran cold and he froze in place for a second before his brain started to work again. He went back into the helicopter, slamming the door behind himself.

"One of the soldiers in Winhill used Sephiroth's red materia and called… whatever it is and it just chewed up Elena and Tseng!" he said in a panic. The death of his comrades hadn't even sunk in yet as the overwhelming sense of doom took up all of his thinking space. He hurried back into the cockpit and explained what had happened to Rude.

"We're fucked," Cloud grunted from his spot on the floor. Leon didn't give him a chance to protest as he grabbed the blonde's arm and yanked him upright. He gathered his Charge up against him much like how Cloud had been carried through the desert. The blonde tried to push him away again but Leon held tight.

"Stop squirming, jackass. If we need to jump, I don't need you fucking around because you have space issues. You can be angry later; just let me keep you safe until then," the brunette said angrily. Cloud gave him a sharp glare, which the Carrier returned with just as much fire in his eyes. The blonde eventually sighed and begrudgingly rested his head against Leon's shoulder.

"You know how to swim, right?" he asked grumpily. By that point in their escape, they were over the ocean past Timber and heading for Balamb's capitol. If they needed to jump, it would be a water landing. Hopefully Laguna's acient inflatable raft still worked like it was supposed to.

The distance between the two helicopters was substantial, and once everything had been explained to him, Rude pushed the throttle to its limits in the hopes of making it to land where there would be more assistance. Throughout all the chaos and Leon and Cloud's bickering, Irvine had remained completely silent. He watched the group with hawk like eyes, studying everything closely and trying to figure out why Leon and Reno were so different and why Cloud and Rude mattered so much. The whole scenario puzzled him, and as the only member of their party who was somewhat armed, he debated on whether or not it would be worth defending them. They were really strange.

* * *

Bahamut was trying his hardest to catch up to the other flying black thing while conserving as much energy as possible. He could only stay on the surface for so long before he needed to return to Eden and the Lifestream, but he also felt he needed to make the other party pay for so much destruction and disturbance. He continued after them for a while, keeping up an even pace as the machine started going faster. But eventually, he could feel the pull of the Lifestream beckoning him to return. In a last ditch effort to make the black flying thing pay, he decided to attack from a distance.

The ocean water that was hundreds of feet beneath him started to part as the massive amount of energy he called began to collect in front of him. The skies above darkened, and the clouds pushed aside. For a moment, the calling of the Lifestream ceased just enough to surrender its energy to him, gathering it into a single point. With eyes locked on the helicopter, the celestial beast unleashed his energy, sending it out in one straight beam that shot across the sky as quick as lightning. Exhausted, Bahamut descended slowly towards the parting in the ocean, allowing himself to return to Eden's side in much of the same manner as he had come. He was shamed by his lackluster performance; the lack of the Lifestream's strength hindering his ability substantially. He was a far cry from what he used to be a century and a half ago when the war first started.

Regardless, the beam of energy he had released upon the unsuspecting helicopter did what it was supposed to do. It wasn't a perfect shot, and it didn't obliterate the machine in one fell swoop, but it did scrape along the top of it, taking the blades and most of the roof off and spreading the debris in all directions. Everyone inside startled and screamed in surprise when they could suddenly see the sky above them, as if the machine was made of softened butter and the beam had been a hot knife slicing through.

Irvine was the closest to the door, and as a result, was the one to slide it open, toss the inflatable raft out, and jump first. He managed to make it out just as the dilapidated helicopter started to turn on its side and plummet towards the water. Cloud's immediate reaction was to wrap his arms around Leon's neck and practically strangle him in an attempt to hang on. The Carrier struggled to his feet, only to fall to the side and slide across the floor as the surface turned vertical. He decided that the easier route was to simply fall out of the top of the helicopter rather than try to scramble to the door. Once out into the open air, the gravity of the situation sunk in and he realized just how high up in the air they had been. He pulled the release cord for the parachute with one arm wrapped tight around Cloud's waist. The canopy caught the wind and slowed their decent considerably.

"Gonna die gonna die gonna die gonna die," Cloud blabbed over and over again, his face buried in the side of Leon's neck so he couldn't see what was happening. The Carrier rolled his eyes, wrapping his other arm around him securely.

"The only one who's going to die is me if you don't let me breathe," he rasped as the blonde continued to cling to his windpipe.

Back in the helicopter, Reno and Rude were having more issues than everyone else. The cockpit was a much tinier space to get out of with far more things to get in the way. When the machine started to turn, they both toppled out of their seats and landed in a heap against the windshield. It then started to nosedive, heading straight for the water like an arrow being shot at the ground. Within seconds it was halfway to the water's surface. A few more, and it hit the ocean like a ton of bricks, cracking the windshield with the force and jostling the pair around inside into further disorientation. The body of the helicopter bobbed like a buoy before flopping back into a semi-normal horizontal position. It didn't last long, though, and the carapace started to turn on its side again, allowing the water to rush in through the open door.

The metal around them started to creak loudly, the strain of the impact and subsequent water weight taking its toll on its stability. It took a moment for the pair to get their bearings again in order to figure out where they needed to go. The open hole in the roof was the most likely the easiest escape and Reno pushed Rude ahead of him through the jumble of controls, safety straps, and seats so his Charge could escape and swim to safety. The redhead was right behind him, though, and only had to push himself through the rushing water and under a metal bar to the surface in order to pop up right next to him. They were both panting from the adrenaline and leftover panic of their near-death experience and stared at one another with wide eyes filled with disbelief.

"Dude…" Reno sighed.

"I know," Rude said with a small laugh that bordered on the hysterical.

In the distance, giant tendrils of the Lifestream were reaching up from the water in order to grab onto the fading Bahamut. It caught everyone's attention as the dragon let out a wail, being forcibly dragged into the water despite his efforts to stay on the surface and finish the job he had started. He desperately flapped his wings, trying to climb further into the sky, but the effort was wasted as Eden's hold on him was relentless. He disappeared under the water, the sea falling back into place to fill the hole he had created. The sky cleared once he was gone, returning back to its original bright hue.

"I'm totally going to be sick," Cloud muttered. He had turned to look at the Summon, only to look down when it was gone. He had never been on anything higher than himself in his life, let alone hundreds of feet above the ground with nothing to stand on.

"Wait until I can get away, please," Leon sighed. The Carrier was fine. He didn't care about heights or swimming and willingly looked towards the ocean to see that the raft had done its job and dutifully inflated when it had hit the water. Irvine was already swimming towards it. The brunette couldn't see where Reno and Rude were, but he was quick to find out.

Under the surface, as the helicopter carcass sank, the pressure inside the cabin started to build, pushing against the already weakened seams and damaged metal. The shell started to peel away from its fastenings and water flooded into the machine's inner workings. The controls stopped, the motor stalled, and everything was quiet as it continued further under water. But eventually, the water seeped into the fuel tank holding cell. Reno had yelled at Sephiroth for trying to kick around the pressure sensitive tanks back at the prison, not only because it was Leon and Cloud in the box, but because what he had said was true. They were volatile pieces of equipment. Once the water pressure inside their cell rose to full capacity, they burst. The outward thrust from their explosion was enough to send a geyser of water rocketing out of the surface and into the air, sending debris along with it.

Reno was faster at swimming than Rude and was a decent distance ahead of him in their venture towards the raft. He would stop on occasion to make sure his Charge was okay, but he was fairly confident they would be fine. That is, until the fuel tanks let go. The massive surge of water pulled them both backwards, but it was Rude who was the most affected. He was thrown up into the air by the force and tossed several feet away from where they had started. Reno was pushed under by the wave, but was otherwise fine. When he surfaced and looked around for his Charge, he was gone. The panic immediately set in.

"Rude? Rude!" the redhead called, desperately scanning the water as the rain of debris splashed all around him. Eventually, his Charge surfaced; face down, as the impact from landing in the water rendered him unconscious. Reno quickly shrugged off his parachute so he could swim faster and hurried over to him.

Leon and Cloud watched the scene play out from the air. Irvine was already using the butt of his rifle like an oar and was slowly inching the raft closer to the pair in the water. He made it over to them before Leon and Cloud could land. The brunette unclipped the parachute from himself and let it drift away into the sea, treading water while still trying to hang on to Cloud. The blonde was nearly sitting on his shoulders with his legs wrapped around the Carrier's chest.

"You're not making this any easier, you know," Leon grunted.

"Yeah well, me and Water aren't exactly best friends," Cloud huffed. It was around that time that the brunette decided that the first thing his Charge would learn from him is how to swim. He was not keen on the idea of being the blonde's raft for the rest of his life. They made their way towards the rest of the group and met up with them just as Irvine was able to pull Rude into the raft. Reno clumsily flopped into the dinghy in a panic, scooting up to his Charge's side and cupping his face in his hands. He patted Rude's face with his palms, trying to get him to wake up. It quickly became apparent that nothing was helping, and the redhead abandoned the nudging in favor of CPR. He leaned in and gave his Charge a couple of deep breaths.

"Baby, you can't do this to me," Reno said as he started chest compressions, the hysterics starting to bubble up and show in his voice. By that point, Leon was close enough to shove Cloud into the raft and haul himself in. The blonde oozed into the vessel like dead weight. The brunette, on the other hand, decided to be useful and went to Rude's other side and handled the chest compressions for Reno so the redhead could do the breaths.

"How long was he under for?" Leon asked.

"I don't even know. It all happened so fast," Reno said, worriedly. After the next round of breaths, he rested his forehead against Rude's, watching his eyes and waiting for them to open. "I waited forty years to meet you. You can't die on me like this," he mumbled, tears stinging the backs of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *A/N: Actual quote from Squall in Final Fantasy VIII.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

Bahamut was a fairly large creature. He could be seen from great distances, especially across an open plane like a body of water. His loud cry as he was pulled back to Eden alerted the guards in the towers in the ports of both Balamb and Timber. Immediately, one contacted the other to check and see if one had heard what they had and they were both in agreement: something was going on out there in the ocean. Usually, when Guardian Forces were summoned, there was active combat going on. Since there were no Balamb naval troops deployed out in the middle of the water at that time, their only guess what that it was Midgar's doing. Neither side could decide what to do right away. Binoculars were usually enough to see the silhouette of any Midgar warships on the horizon, but there was nothing there that they could see.

General Almasy, a veteran of twenty years, paced back and forth in front of the communications terminal after just ending contact with the officials stationed in Timber. From his view in the guard tower, nothing was amiss out in the sea, and there was no cause for alarm. The officials in Timber, however, said that there was an earthquake on their side of the pond and that they couldn't get a hold of anyone in Winhill. That news, plus Bahamut's appearance, was cause for alarm, but General Almasy had reservations about sending his troops out blindly into what could be a very elaborate trap.

"Sir?" one of the soldiers asked, peeking his head into the General's station. The man stopped pacing and looked at him expectantly. "Your son is here."

"Send him in," he said. The soldier left with a nod. Seifer, the spitting image of his father, came in with an uncertain look to him. The General didn't smile, didn't greet him, he just gave him a steely gaze which his son couldn't meet. "Did you graduate yet?" he asked impatiently. Seifer rolled his eyes.

"It's March. Graduation isn't for a few months yet, dad," the son said grumpily.

"Fine, are you _going_ to graduate or are you just going to continue to disappoint me?"

"I don't know, ask my instructors."

"I will. Why are you here? Are you dying?"

"…No."

"Is your mother dying?"

"…No."

"Then I'm busy. Goodbye," the General said, turning back to the communications terminal.

"Mom sent me to come get you. She says she hasn't seen you in two months," Seifer insisted, crossing his arms over his chest with a scowl. "I really don't appreciate getting calls from her when tears are involved."

"Go back to school."

"It's Sunday. I don't have class. Just go home for a few days and I wouldn't have to be here."

"Your mother is an adult, she can come see me, she can call, it's not like I'm stopping her."

"She's your wife. She shouldn't _have_ to chase you around."

"The soldiers here need my direction to keep this city safe. Your mother lives in this city too, or did you forget that? I'm keeping her safe too. I don't have the luxury of going out to gallivant around and visit."

"The house is two miles away! Eden forbid you take an hour to say hello to her! Oh no! The city will crumble if you don't stand around and stare at the ocean all day! You're doing a _fantastic_ job from keeping the fish from invading," Seifer spat angrily. The General's body language tensed as his patience was reaching its limits. He abruptly turned and stepped to his son, backhanding him across the face. Seifer staggered and averted his eyes to the floor, grinding his teeth together to keep himself from hitting back.

"Lecturing me on how to run my marriage is disrespectful. Lecturing me on how to protect my country when you can't even get through school yourself is just plain insulting. Know your place, go back to school and finish, become a man, and earn my respect. Maybe then I'll consider your opinions with a bit more sincerity. You're excused," the father said, face emotionless.

"Mom wanted to go to lunch together today. What should I tell her?" Seifer asked quietly. The General thought for a second, reached into his back pocket, withdrew his wallet, and handed his son a thick fold of cash.

"Buy her something nice on the way home and apologize for me. I have things I need to attend to."

Seifer stared at the money in his hand. "Fine."

"You're excused," the father repeated. The son crunched the bills up in his hand turned away quietly, heading out of the station. The soldier standing guard outside the door looked inside the room again.

"What are your orders, sir?"

"Deploy a crew and go see what the hell happened out there," the General instructed, turning back towards the windows, scanning the ocean with cold eyes.

Balamb soldiers rushed around the base as Seifer left. The cadet was immediately curious as to what all the commotion was about. Apparently his old man _hadn't_ been lying and there _was_ something going on. He couldn't understand what was so important since the soldiers were rushing like they were late for something. There were no panicked orders being shouted at them, and there really weren't all that many. He followed the crowd out onto the docks where they were piling on to a transport ship. The cadet went to the Captain in charge and gave him a half-assed salute. The man gave him a dry smile.

"What're you doing here again? Still trying to bring your dad home?" he asked with a hint of amusement to his voice. Seifer shrugged.

"I couldn't give a damn about him if he did. Mom wants him home. Doing it for her, mostly."

"You're a good kid. Still doesn't answer my question, though."

"Just wanted to know what's up. Something interesting happening?" Seifer asked. It was the Captain's turn to shrug.

"I doubt it's anything, but we're just heading out to check on some sort of disturbance in the water. Can't see it all from here, you know. Want to come?"

"Are you going to get your ass handed to you if I do?"

"Probably."

"Sure. Let's go, then," Seifer laughed, helping himself to heading into the transport. He hoped, for his father's sake, that whatever was keeping him from having lunch with the family was worth it. Seifer wasn't sure his mother could take much more upset from the man. The only solace the cadet got from the scenario was that it would've been worse had his parents divorced when he was a kid.

* * *

Every second stretched on for centuries as Reno waited for Rude to wake up. He and Leon had been doing CPR on him for almost a minute, but the redhead's brain couldn't comprehend that as the panic took over his mind. It was getting harder and harder for him to breathe through it and was about to give up and start sobbing when Rude abruptly coughed a lungful of water directly into his face. Reno let out a cry as the salt water invaded his eyes and he sat back, covering his face with his hands. Leon pulled Rude up into a sitting position and patted his back firmly to help him breathe through his coughing.

"Oh my god I'm blind!" Reno squealed, rubbing his burning orbs. Once he cleared them they started to well up with happy tears. Leon sat back just in time for the redhead to scoop his Charge up and hug him around his chest with a giddy laugh. Rude just flopped against him tiredly with a loud belch. Reno laughed. "That was the sexiest noise I've heard in a _long_ time."

"Wha' happen?" Rude mumbled. Reno's bubbliness subsided and he let out a shaky sigh of relief. He laced his fingers together against his Charge's back and hugged him tightly.

"Don't worry about it. I'll tell you later," he said, resting his chin on Rude's shoulder. The bald Charge tried to pull away so he could protest and get an explanation, but the redhead didn't let him move and held him in place. Tears were leaking out his eyes and he didn't want Rude to see. The Charge eventually gave up moving, coughed several times, and submitted to staying in place.

That was when Cloud decided it would be a marvelous time to pull himself up so he could vomit over the side of the raft. Leon rolled his eyes.

"You just _had_ to ruin the moment, didn't you?" the brunette asked, looking behind himself at the blonde. Cloud didn't say anything and simply held his hand up with his middle finger extended. Leon went to go sit next to him but his hand was grabbed before he could get very far. He turned to look at Reno, who wore a wobbly smile.

"Thanks," he said quietly. Leon gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand reassuringly before letting go and checking on Cloud. The blonde stopped heaving and let himself slide to the side, flopping onto the floor of the raft from exhaustion; the exertion of clinging to Leon for dear life while in the air and water left his limbs feeling like jelly. The brunette hauled him upright by his armpits and sat him up against the side of the raft. Cloud let himself get tossed around and blearily stared ahead of himself whenever Leon let him sit still again. The Carrier leaned over and pressed his cheek to the side of his Charge's face, feeling his temperature. It was high, and it was causing the blonde's vision to blur on occasion.

"So…" Irvine trailed, having been silent the entire time. Leon and Reno looked at him. "What now?" he asked. The redhead sat up some, wiping his face dry as much as he could. He looked around. There was nothing but water in all directions.

"Uh… good question," he said. Leon thought carefully for a moment before he got an idea. He turned Cloud enough so he could get into the backpack that was still firmly attached to him. He withdrew a computer and opened it, hoping the Technicians had been smart enough to make them waterproof. It worked fine, and he pursed his lips in thought as he typed in his model number. It didn't work so he assumed he had Reno's computer and switched them. His started up right away and he was able to bring up the map of the world.

" _Do you have any cameras?_ " he asked Reno in their native tongue. The redhead shrugged.

" _I don't know. I haven't used them in forever. I might have kept the box in there somewhere, though. Check the front pocket,_ " he said. Leon undid as many zippers as he could until he found the little box that held Reno's camera bugs. It was filled with water. The liquid sloshed out of the case when he opened it and a couple cameras floated around in the remainder. Leon had no idea if they would work at all, but picked one and plugged it in, telling it to find Cloud. The bug's information flickered on the screen before it stopped completely, dying. The Carrier picked another one, hoping one of them would last long enough to give them some indication of where in the water they were.

"What is all that?" Cloud asked weakly, watching the Carrier work. Leon didn't answer him and just handed him a bug.

"Just hang onto that," he said. The blonde looked at the camera in his hand confusedly. The brunette switched it out several times with various cameras until he found one that lasted. Eventually, a marker appeared on the map in the middle of the ocean, indicating where his Charge was. He looked to Cloud, turning the computer so he could see. "Have you ever seen a map before?" he asked.

"Sort of," the blonde said. He had seen them before, knew what they were, but didn't really know what he was looking at when he saw them. He couldn't tell the difference between a Midgar landmass and a Balamb landmass.

"But you know it's a picture of the world, yes?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," Leon said, zooming in so he could get a better idea of where they were. More markers started to appear as he moved in. He pointed to an island. "That's where we need to be," he said, sliding his finger across the open expanse of ocean to the nearest continent where Timber was. "This is the Balamb side of where we were. Way over here," he said, moving across the land to the general area of Winhill. "This is where we were. We're actually closer to where we need to be than I thought we were. I thought we'd be closer to Timber," he tapped the flickering dot in the middle of the ocean. "This is where we are right now."

"Does that thing tell you which direction we're facing?" Irvine piped. Leon thought for a moment before looking up at the sky.

"Well… hm. Does the sun rise in the east here?" he asked, looking to Reno. The redhead shrugged.

"I have no idea, I never paid attention before."

"West," Irvine said.

"Okay. It doesn't tell me what direction we're facing, but it does tell me the time. It's a little after four, which means the sun is going to set in the east soon, right? So wherever the sun is now, is the general direction of east," Leon explained. The sun was behind them, which mean they were facing west, which was in the direction of Timber but were floating a little south from it. The Carrier scooted around until he was facing north so he could figure things out easier. He pointed north-east. "Balamb is that way," he said.

"You're sure?" Irvine asked skeptically. Leon nodded.

"Yeah, unless you'd like to call me a liar and float around out here until we die from exposure."

Irvine didn't have much to say after that, which was a bit of a blessing. The two Charges were situated into the back of the boat, Leon's computer was set in the middle, and the other three started paddling at the front. They weren't expecting to get very far, which was a wise choice, since they were moving at a disabled snail's pace. The crushing disappointment of expecting more than that would've been a real morale breaker. A couple hours later, the sun started to set, and everyone was exhausted. It was getting difficult to remain positive about the situation, and the morale was slowly draining away.

"Hey…" Rude trailed from the back of the raft, pulling everyone's attention to them. The bald Charge's main problem was coughing a little too much and the fatigue; he was fine otherwise. He was leaning over Cloud who, unlike him, wasn't doing so great. The blonde had curled himself up into a ball, and was holding his head while shivering. Leon practically threw himself across the dinghy when he noticed and quickly scooped Cloud up. He brushed the blonde's hair out his face and looked him over worriedly. Cloud's teeth were chattering, his eyes were glassy and unfocused, and the edges of his lips were turning blue. Leon could agree that lying on the floor of the raft was fairly cold, especially if one wasn't doing anything to keep the blood moving. He unbuttoned his jacket, hugged Cloud to his chest, and pulled the fabric around the blonde's shoulders, wrapping his arms around him tightly. After a few minutes, Cloud's chattering stopped and dissolved into a light all-over quivering.

"Here," Reno said, shrugging off his own jacket. He draped it over Cloud's back and shoulders. Leon gave him a questioning look; he hadn't expected any assistance from anyone. The redhead shrugged and went to go check on Rude.

"Well, now what are we supposed to do?" Irvine asked, folding his arms over his chest and stretching his legs out. It was clear to him that Leon would be useless for the rest of their impromptu adventure, and Reno probably wasn't going to be much better. When there was no immediate response to the sniper's question, the mood sank. There wasn't much they _could_ do.

Cloud floated around in his subconscious for a little while longer until his temperature was brought up. He peeled open his eyes and was greeted by t-shirt fabric and a heartbeat. Leon didn't notice that his Charge was awake so he didn't react. The blonde decided that it was okay to be held so long as the Carrier didn't realize he was aware of what was going on. Cloud didn't have _much_ of an idea of what was happening, but he figured the brunette was holding him because there was some sort of problem. He wasn't comfortable assuming much more than that. Regardless of the reasoning, he could appreciate that he was warm and had an available space to drift off to sleep. So he did.

Darkness fell, turning the temperature frigid. Leon wasn't too cold, he assumed Cloud wasn't either, but Reno and Rude huddled together and were shivering, and Irvine had his knees pulled up to his chest, hugging them tightly. Eventually, the brunette gave Reno his jacket back so he wouldn't freeze, but after that, there wasn't much else to do. Sleeping wasn't an option, but no one was awake enough to try and paddle for land. The water was icy, anyway, so it was sort of a moot point, but everyone had the desire to do _something_. The helplessness of the situation was wearing on them.

It was almost two in the morning when Reno spotted a light in the distance. It moved back and forth like a spotlight, pointed down at the water, and was headed in their direction. The redhead sat there, squinting at the shining dot, trying to figure out if he was hallucinating or not. Rude's cough was getting worse as time progressed and the Carrier's mind was swimming in exhaustion and the fear that his Charge may be working towards pneumonia. It was a plausible scenario given his trauma.

"Do you guys see that?" The redhead asked, pointing out towards the light. Everyone looked, and for a moment, time froze. It was so surreal to see something other than water and sky; they all needed a moment to see if they were looking at a mirage. But the light kept getting bigger and brighter as their stunned silence lingered. Leon turned his attention to his Charge.

"Cloud," he urged, tapping the side of the blonde's face with his fingers.

"Hmmn?" the other grunted, furrowing his brows. Leon was surprised his Charge was so responsive. He was halfway expecting to have to slap him awake.

"Were… were you sleeping on me?" the Carrier asked confusedly. He didn't know if he should be happy or pissed. It was sort of heartwarming to think the blonde was comfortable enough with him to sleep on him, but he had also just spent the last few hours holding onto him thinking he was on the verge of hypothermia.

"Nope," Cloud said defiantly, not making an effort to move or become useful. Leon frowned and rolled his eyes with a sigh.

"Wake up, fat ass. I need to know you're okay so I can help get us somewhere," the Carrier said with annoyance in his voice, shaking his Charge a bit. Cloud's eyes slowly peeled open. He squinted at the brunette.

"'M not fat."

"You lay around like you are. Get up."

"I would if I could," Cloud said gruffly, settling his hands on the floor of the raft so he could support himself. He shuffled off of Leon and flopped back onto his previous cold spot. He felt so weak and helpless. The option of not even trying and just letting Leon haul him around everywhere for the rest of his life was looking more and more appealing the longer his condition persisted. He'd only have to get used to being an invalid. Reno draped his jacket over the blonde again and moved to the front of the raft.

Paddling with only their hands was admittedly a pain in the ass, but it was the best they could do. After stuffing Leon's computer back into the backpack attached to Cloud, they set out to get as close to the light as they could. It was almost another hour of alternating shifts before the ship in the distance took shape and had caught them in the beam of the searchlight. Irvine and Leon sat back, letting out long relieved sighs like civilized people did when something positive happened. Reno, on the other hand, decided that he needed to express himself a little more verbally and let out a giddy squeak before launching himself at Leon and crushing the brunette's face and upper body into his chest.

" _We can finally go home, man! I think I'm going to pee myself,_ " the redhead blubbered.

" _We're not there yet, Reno. Let go of my face; you're hurting me,_ " Leon grunted. Reno immediately dropped him.

" _Sorry, I forgot_ ," he said, cupping the brunette's face in his hands and making sure he didn't pull open the cut between his eyes. Everything was intact, and Reno sighed and sat back. Irvine had been staring at them and listening to the language he didn't understand with furrowed brows.

"Are we sure this boat is even from Balamb?" Leon asked.

"Well it's coming from that direction, isn't it?" Reno responded.

"Hang on," Irvine chimed, taking up his rifle-made-oar. It was virtually useless after being submerged in salt water but the scope attached to it still served its purpose. He propped it up on the side of the raft and looked through the lens for some sort of insignia on the side of the vessel. "It's from Balamb," he confirmed. The news left another wave of relief in its wake. When the ship came within a reasonable distance, a smaller vessel was dropped off the side into the water. It was a motorboat-like craft and was much faster, approaching them quickly with two soldiers inside. They stared at the group in disbelief for a moment before anything was said.

"Where does your allegiance lie?" one of the soldiers asked firmly.

"Balamb," everyone on the raft blurted quickly, with the acceptation of Cloud who wasn't listening and Rude who didn't understand the question. Irvine gave Reno and Rude quizzical looks. The other soldier nudged his friend and pointed at Irvine and Leon.

"You're students? I wasn't aware there was a deployment nearby," he said.

"There isn't," the first soldier said.

"We were deployed months ago in Dollet to help with the anaconduar problem in the summer," Irvine explained. The soldiers in the boat stared at them wordlessly as the facts clicked together.

"Holy shit!" one of them barked. "I remember hearing about you guys! We need to get you home. Come on. All of you," he said holding his hands out to whoever got to him first. Irvine was quick to scramble into the other vessel, followed by Reno and Rude. Leon handed off Cloud to them and followed him in, situating himself on one of the bench seats with the blonde flopped over in his lap.

One of the soldiers drove while the other talked excitedly into the radio to the other ship. The ride back to the safe haven was brief, and the crew on the ship lowered the chains that picked the boat out of the water and raised it level with the deck so everyone could get out easily. Reno helped shove Cloud onto Leon's back so the blonde wouldn't get left behind and the group followed the pair of soldiers down into the lower decks. Being amongst a large group of people, friendly people, was not only a relief, but a surreal experience for Leon. The people in Winhill were nice enough, but there was an underlying hate for Cloud that kept him from really enjoying the experience of the strained civility. The brunette felt a little self conscious now that he had less to worry about as well. Everyone was giving them strange looks, and he knew in the back of his mind that it was probably because they had just been pulled out of the ocean, but he was painfully aware of the wound on his face and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

They were led to a cabin that had several sets of bunk beds and not much else. The military wasn't known for their lavish living quarters, so there wasn't much more that they could expect, but a proper bed on a box spring versus a concrete slab was the epitome of luxury to Leon right then. Irvine shared his sentiments and quickly flopped onto a mattress and claimed it as his own. One night on a decent bed in Winhill was not enough to erase the months of fitful sleep they had put up with. Leon settled Cloud on a bottom bunk and tucked him in before pulling himself up to the top bunk and oozing into the mattress like a slug. Reno fussed with Rude on their own set of beds but eventually settled in as well. The soldiers that had led them there had the grace to keep everyone away and let them relax, closing the door behind them without any questions. Once the light was out and all was quiet, sleep was almost immediate.

* * *

Cloud was happy to be home in Nibelheim again. He finally got away from What's His Name (Leon) and The Other One (Reno) and was back in his safe little town surrounded by the people that actually cared about him. Aerith wasn't dead, his home wasn't a burnt out husk of a building, and he still had friends he could pal around with and feel comfortable. The first few days of adjusting back into civilian life were difficult, but Aerith was there, as beautiful as ever, to lead him through it with her infinite patience. Her love somehow magically kept Mako withdrawal at bay and he felt better than he had in years.

Suddenly, it was two years later. They were married, and had a son. It was the proudest time in Cloud's life and he just couldn't stop smiling. He had a family. A proper family where he could feel secure and live in their tiny bubble of happiness, not worrying about the rest of the world and all the awful things it had to offer. He couldn't ask for much more than that. He was content to live his life quietly, raising his son as best as he could in a peaceful place where the war couldn't reach.

Peace. It sounded nice.

One day, the kitchen sink had sprung a leak and Cloud, being the manly man that he was, had to fix it because that's what men do. He spent an hour or so fussing with the plumbing and swearing at it, but he eventually fixed it and went to go tell Aerith that he had finished. She was sitting outside in the backyard, on a swing that was hung from a tree he couldn't remember being there, humming to herself peacefully while their son played in the grass. Her back was to him, and he quietly snuck up behind her and slid his hands around her waist, hugging her from behind. She startled and started to laugh, but in the middle of her laughing, she started choking.

"Aerith?" Cloud asked with concern laced in his voice. He stood straight again and turned the swing around to see his love's face, but he immediately took a step back, horrified by what he saw. Aerith was staring at him with vacant holes where her eyes used to be with blood dripping out of her open mouth. She didn't say anything, the choking gag reverberating from the back of her throat being the only sound coming from her. The blonde's heart leapt up into his windpipe and made him hold his breath, staring wide-eyed and open mouthed at the body on the swing. Aerith's side started to bleed, the skin and fabric of her dress splitting open to almost halfway through her abdomen, pouring blood into the grass. She started to lean back, her spine bending unhealthy as she literally split in half and her top half slid backwards off the swing. Her bottom half fell forward, landing with a loud _splat_ on the grass, sending a splatter of blood into Cloud's face. He startled and stared glassy eyed at the now empty swing as Aerith's choking continued to echo through his head. He had to remember to breathe, but when he did, he was panting as the hysterics started bubbling up and took over.

He screamed.

* * *

"Cloud!" Leon yelled as he backhanded his Charge across the face. The blonde's eyes flew wide open with another yelp. He sat up quickly, his breath escaping him in great heaves. His gaze was vacant, empty as he stared at his blanket. The brunette put a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him but the blonde immediately pulled away, turning wide and scared eyes to him, staring at him like he was an alien. Leon put his hands up defensively. "It's okay. You were screaming in your sleep. I'm sorry I startled you," he said in a calm and even tone. Cloud's breathing slowed to normalcy and his eyes grew a little more focused as he processed what the Carrier had said. He looked around.

"Where are we?" he asked, his voice a little hoarse and unsure. He was still halfway in the dark about what was happening, and he wasn't entirely awake yet either. All he could think about was the tiny snippets of his dream sloshed together with brief moments in time from their previous day together. He could remember a raft and being cold, and Sephiroth, but not much else.

"We're on a ship headed back to Balamb. You don't remember being picked up?" Leon asked. The blonde shook his head, his posture slouching a bit with a sigh. "Well, whatever, that's where we are. Everyone else has been awake for a while. I came back down here to wake you up because we're getting close to the port."

"Okay…" Cloud trailed, picking at the blanket and watching his hands. He sort of felt like crawling under a rock and staying there for the rest of his life. He sighed again. "I'm up."

"Are you alright?"

"Not any worse than I was before, I guess."

"Do you feel okay?"

"…No."

"What's hurting?" Leon asked, assuming it was the blonde's stomach or something. Cloud shook his head.

"Don't worry about it. Just forget it," he said flatly, slowly shuffling to the edge of his bed and attempting to stand. It took him several tries before he gave up and sat with a huff. His legs wouldn't cooperate with him and every time he stood, his thighs shook enough to make it impossible to put any weight on them. Leon stood and went to help him stand, slinging the blonde's arm around his shoulders and holding him around the waist. Cloud didn't protest or react much and just stared at the floor.

"Bathroom?" Leon asked. The blonde nodded.

"I don't need you to come in with me. Just need to get there."

"Good. I'm not volunteering to wipe your ass for you."

"That's comforting," Cloud grunted.

* * *

Seifer was aware of the rescued vigilantes being aboard the ship. He didn't care to interact with them until the next day mostly because he had been asleep when they were brought aboard. The soldiers tried to wake him up, but he told them all to go fuck themselves and that he was just there for the ride. He didn't know who had been rescued, exactly, but he knew they couldn't _possibly_ be important enough to interrupt his beauty sleep. Being on the ship was relaxing for him. He was away from the stressors in his life and being the general's son, no one messed with him. It was one of the few advantages he could see being related to his father.

When he woke up the next morning, however, and actually saw who was aboard the ship with them, he almost had a heart attack. There were a lot of problems caused in his life after Leon and Irvine had disappeared, none of which could be fixed just by bringing them back. He didn't talk to either of his fellow cadets right away because he had no idea what to say. He had made a royal ass of himself in front of his peers after they got back from Dollet, and the pair showing up again was more proverbial mud on his face. Regardless, after the initial shock wore off, he made his way to the deck to speak to them.

"Oh. It's _you_ two. Everyone thinks you're both dead," he said with a smug smirk on his face. Leon, who had Cloud on his back, and Irvine turned to the familiar voice. They were both surprised to see Seifer.

"Well, we're not. Hello to you too," Leon said.

"Selphie thinks I'm dead? Seriously?" Irvine asked. Seifer nodded.

"She was crying her eyes out for a week. Rinoa too."

"Fuck…" Leon said. He had forgotten Rinoa existed.

"You said it," Irvine agreed with a sigh, but for different reasons. He couldn't imagine the anguish Selphie felt and to just up and appear in her life again would be somewhat of a psychological slap across the face. He just hoped it would end well. A long awkward silence passed between the cadets.

"So, what happened? Where you been?" Seifer asked. Irvine and Leon exchanged glances.

"Don't want to talk about it," they said in tandem. Seifer scowled, but wasn't such an asshole that he would push the subject. He assumed it hadn't been a positive experience for them just by looking at them. Aside from Leon's obvious damage to his face, they both had lost a noticeable amount of weight and looked like they had the entire world weighing down their shoulders. Tired, beaten, and homesick, neither one of the former prisoners wanted to talk until they could get back to feeling somewhat normal. Regardless of where they were really headed, they both felt like they would wake up in the morning and be back in their cells; they just hadn't been outside long enough.

"Okay, well, who's that?" Seifer asked, pointing to the pair of legs dangling from around Leon's waist. Cloud was half asleep again, staring out into the ocean at nothing in particular.

"This is Cloud."

"Doesn't look like any cloud I've ever seen," Seifer said.

"I know, right?" Irvine chimed. Leon rolled his eyes and turned to the side, forcing Seifer into Cloud's line of sight. The Charge blinked at the other blonde and didn't make much of a move to say anything. Seifer squinted at the color of the soldier's eyes.

"He's from Midgar."

"Yes," Leon said. The tone of Seifer's voice had changed dramatically and the Carrier could almost smell the hate radiating off of him. His stomach felt like a rock had been dropped in it. That meager bit of hopefulness he had that they were finally going somewhere semi-peaceful was snuffed out and replaced with a scowl. It didn't matter that Seifer was only one person in the entire country. They virtually lived together at the school and Leon felt he would have to be attached to Cloud like a barnacle in order to avoid any incidents.

"Why the fuck would you bring him here? He's not welcome," Seifer spat.

"And why do you think you're the one to determine that? Balamb has an open immigration policy."

"Yeah, and how many people from Midgar did you meet there, hm? The government says they're welcome but the people think otherwise, let me tell you. He's not welcome."

"And what do you expect me to do with him? Dump him overboard?" Leon asked with an acidic inflection.

"Yeah, actually, I do," Seifer said.

"Fuck you. Do the country a favor and throw yourself overboard if you want to save them so much grief," Leon said, glaring daggers into the other's face. Reno, who had been missing up until that point, stepped around the corner and saw the group in the near distance. Leon and Seifer started to argue over whether or not Cloud had the right to be in Balamb and the redhead furrowed his brows. Irvine was just standing off to the side looking between the pair. Reno made his way over to them after listening for a few minutes. He put on a cocky flirtatious face and hooked his arm with Seifer's, causing the taller blonde to startle and look at him.

"Who the fuck are you?" Seifer hissed. Reno chuckled under breath and ran a hand up the cadet's chest.

"Baby, I'm anybody you _want_ me to be," he purred with a sly smile. The blonde wrenched his arm away from the Carrier and stepped back as if he had been burned. "Whass'a matter? Don't like redheads? That's okay. I'll change my color for you if you like," Reno twittered.

"You know him?" Seifer asked, pointing at Reno while looking at Leon. The brunette nodded with a tiny shrug.

"Yeah."

"The fuck did you get into over there? Fucking freaks. Disgusting," Seifer spat, throwing his hands up in the air. He glared at Reno for a few seconds before leaving in a huff, stomping off towards the door that led into the lower cabins. Rude was on his way through the door as it was pulled open and Seifer startled, having to look up at the bald Charge's face; something he rarely had to do with his stature. Rude brushed past him, heading to the group, and that was the cadet's cue to twitch a little before heading inside.

"What did the medic say?" Reno asked as his Charge approached. Rude coughed a few times, the rattling sound reverberating out of his lungs and making everyone frown for him.

"To see a proper doctor when we disembark," he said. Reno patted his back a few times with worried eyes.

"Well, we're almost there. You'll be better soon."


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46**

The City of Balamb, to Cloud, was shocking. His idea of large cities was skewed by only ever seeing Midgar, and that particular one wasn't the cleanest. Sure, the upper districts of the capitol were nice and had paved streets, but the parts he saw were dirty and ramshackle. Dirt streets, cloth draped over windows to keep the draft out, tiny shacks in between taller buildings that weren't much better, and a populace that was best described as undesirable. Little did he know that his mother had lived much of her life in such an environment.

So to see Balamb, a thriving metropolis with white stone buildings, picture glass windows, doors that didn't look like they were falling apart, flowering plants in decorative planters and window boxes, and cobbled streets that varied in color depending on what angle one was looking at it, was a new experience. The people seemed like the ones he knew in Nibelheim; neighborly, happy, peaceful, and polite. The only difference between Nibelheim's populace and Balamb's was the variation in clothing, which, to Cloud, meant a difference in income. The people from his home town tended to have a lot of hand-sewn country clothing from fabrics that were sometimes not of the highest quality. Occasionally he would see a dress on a girl that her parents must have saved up for years to purchase, but it was a rarity. In Balamb, however, the soft and flowing fabrics were commonplace.

Being in such a strange place was surreal and made Cloud feel a little inferior; like he was too dirty or too simple to walk on the nice clean streets. Even the militant differences were fascinating. The uniforms were much more elaborate than what he was accustomed to, and everyone seemed healthy and well groomed. In addition to that, seeing female soldiers threw him for a loop and confused him to no end. Women weren't supposed to be in the battlefield, in his opinion. It just wasn't okay in just about every aspect. Coupling all those details along with the fact that he couldn't understand a word anyone was saying made him tense up and watch the scenery around him with wide, slightly fearful eyes.

Leon honestly thought Cloud fell asleep again because the blonde was so quiet. He just followed his friends, who were following the Captain, off the transport ship and into the docks. They were led all the way into General Almasy's office where the man stayed for ninety-five percent of his day. He was pacing, as he usually was, in front of the communication's terminal. The Captain explained who they were, where they were found, and what happened to the best of his knowledge. Leon set Cloud down in a chair and was surprised to find the blonde awake. The Charge simply sat quietly, looking around with an uneasy expression. General Almasy sat everyone else down and listened with a sharp interest.

"So explain to me what exactly happened to you all?" he asked. Leon and Irvine exchanged looks with one another, unsure of what they should say.

"We were captured during our deployment in Dollet in the spring. We were taken to a prison outside of Galbadia where we were kept for… however long we were gone. We were chased as we escaped, there was a confrontation in Winhill where we had stayed for the evening, and when we were leaving there, we were attacked by a big… thing," Irvine explained.

"Bahamut," the General said.

"Right, and then we were floating around at sea and that's where we were found. That's pretty much all that happened."

"So I know _your_ story. What about them?" the man asked impatiently, motioning to Reno, Rude, and Cloud.

"They helped us escape the prison and wanted to come with us," Leon said before Irvine could interject.

"Did they give you a valid reason?"

"Midgar sucks," Reno said. Rude stared at the floor tiredly, obvious bags starting to form under his eyes as his condition deteriorated. The Charge started to cough again, making the General raise a brow at the awful hoarseness escaping him. The redhead patted his Charge's back.

"I wasn't aware you spoke the language," the General said, keeping everything straight business. Reno nodded and pointed to Cloud and Rude in turn.

"They're the only ones who don't."

"I see," the man said, stepping to the blonde and bending so they were face-to-face. Cloud leaned away from him, furrowing his brows. "Just a foot soldier?" the General asked, his eyes harsh and scrutinizing.

"Yes," Leon answered. The General huffed and stood again, seeing Cloud to be useless to him.

"Fine. I don't have the time to interrogate all of you properly. You will all report to Balamb Garden where Cid Kramer will process you all, search you, and keep you under close watch. So if you have something to hide, I suggest you do it now," the man said gruffly, looking them all over carefully. "I will send word that you're all on your way. You're excused."

"Is there a doctor nearby that we can go see, first?" Reno asked, rubbing Rude's shoulders. General Almasy turned to him, face cold.

"The medical staff at the Garden will suffice," he clipped. The redhead gave him an acidic glare that was promptly ignored.

* * *

There were a lot of questions to be answered, but no one wanted to take the initiative to accomplish anything. The ride to Balamb Garden was quiet. Everyone was piled into a transport van and bussed to the school, all while the air grew more and more tense. To Leon, Cloud looked the most distraught. The blonde leaned against the side of the van, staring at the floor with a vacant expression. A part of the Carrier wanted to give him a hug and tell him everything was okay, but he knew better and kept his distance. The last thing he needed was to upset his Charge further. Seifer was riding with them and kept a sharp eye on the other blonde, watching for any sort of funny business. Cloud didn't even notice him.

It was still relatively early in the afternoon when they arrived so the welcoming party was small. Headmaster Cid, his wife Edea, Doctor Kadowaki, and Quistis were all who met them in the school's garage. Surprisingly, Quistis was reduced to tears when she saw Leon and Irvine climb out of the transport. Both cadets were startled when she ran to them and threw her arms around their necks, hugging them with a relieved sob. Irvine hugged her back, but Leon couldn't as he was holding Cloud up, who was attached to his back in the normal koala fashion.

"I'm so sorry, boys! I should have been more diligent with the patrols!" she cried. "They were probably hiding in plain sight and if I had been more alert, I probably could have avoided everything," she added, stepping back and wiping her eyes with the back of her sleeve. Neither Leon nor Irvine could figure out what part of the circumstance was her fault.

"I have _no_ idea what you're going on about," Irvine blurted with furrowed brows. He looked to Leon. "Do _you_ blame her for anything?"

"No," the Carrier said, watching the woman closely. Quistis sniffled loudly and hiccupped a small laugh, sounding somewhat hysterical.

"You have no idea how much I've dwelled on this, wondering what went wrong. All I could come up with was that it was somehow my fault," she admitted. She looked them both over with a small smile, eyes puffy. "Thank you for not blaming me."

"I didn't know we were supposed to. If the soldiers who caught us were that easy to spot, you'd have thought they would've been caught before we even got there. It's not your fault. It was unavoidable," Irvine said. He laughed a little. "I'm just happy to be home. I'd rather not talk about it anymore if that's okay with you."

"That's totally okay," the woman agreed. She smiled. "Headmaster Cid would like to question you both at length, but I can see there are other things we need to tend to first," she said, peeking around Leon's shoulder at Cloud. She wiggled her fingers at him in a small wave. He did the same in return. Dr. Kadowaki was already speaking with Reno and Rude. Seifer was nowhere to be seen.

"He would probably prefer to be in a bed somewhere if there's one available," Leon said. Quistis nodded.

"Your rooms are still available. The year hasn't ended yet so we haven't had the opportunity to fill them. They have, however, been cleaned and all of your things have been packed up. Dr. Kadowaki would like to examine you both before the day is over, though," the instructor said, stepping to Leon and giving the cut on his face a stern look over. She gently touched the mark, making Leon pull away from her some.

"Don't touch it, please," he said flatly. She frowned.

"I have so many questions."

"I would prefer to not talk about it."

"I assumed as much. I don't have the clearance to give you actual counseling for any sort of trauma either of you may have, but I'd be more than willing to accommodate you both if you needed me for something else. Don't hesitate to ask."

"Ideally, I'd like to eat a massive steak, fall in the bed, sleep for twenty years, and wake up not feeling like I might die at any given second," Leon said. Quistis smiled.

"I can arrange that," she said. She looked to Irvine. "Anything specific I can get you?"

"I want to see Selphie," he said.

"Of course. Let's head inside and we can work on all of that. May as well get you all checked out first so you can focus on relaxing before the real work starts," the woman said, heading towards Headmaster Cid and Edea. Reno and Rude were already inside, following Dr. Kadowaki to the Infirmary. The Headmaster and his wife fell into line next to Leon with a calm smile as they all filed into the school.

"Rinoa has missed you," the man said to the Carrier, keeping his tone low.

"Has she?" Leon asked, not really sure what to say. The man nodded.

"She was so upset when she heard you were missing that she kept herself locked up in her room for almost a week. I had to barter with her to get her to come out again. She eventually did, just so we could go to the pet store and find her a dog. She still hasn't gotten over you, though. She spends most of her time outside with Angelo, pretty much ignoring everyone else. The effect you've had on her just adds to how happy I am that you're back. She will be thrilled. I expect tears," Cid explained with a smile.

"I see," Leon said flatly. Headmaster Cid patted him on the shoulder. Rinoa had been such a distant thought for so long that the idea of being together again as if nothing had happened was not only surreal, but unappealing. He was worried about being forced to deal with whatever angst she may have kept with herself, which would in turn make her extremely clingy. That was something he didn't want, never mind the fact that he had been iffy about their relationship even before he was captured. He wondered how cruel it would be if he told her he didn't want to be with her anymore after having been gone for so long.

It was the time of day where the student body was either involved in classes or at lunch. Their walk through the halls was quiet as they headed for the infirmary. There were a few students milling about that looked surprised to see everyone, but they made no fuss and simply shared a few whispers amongst themselves. Leon was acutely aware of the damage on his face as soon as he saw the first student turn to mutter something to her friend. The anxiety he felt amongst the populace was not something he missed while he was gone. It was just like he remembered it.

The Infirmary was empty save for Reno and Rude who had been placed in a room together. The redhead sat next to his Charge's bed with worry on his face while a nurse looked Rude over. Leon and Cloud were ushered into the room next door to them. The Carrier set the blonde on the edge of the bed and plopped himself in a chair. Cloud had absolutely no idea what was happening and watched the room with wide confused eyes. Irvine was taken to an exam room away from them and the pair was left by themselves for a moment.

"Where are we?" the blonde asked. The school itself and its accoutrements screamed of a surplus of money. He felt the same way as he did in the city: dirty and substandard. Everything was pristine and made of high quality materials. Even the sheets on the Infirmary bed were soft and pleasant to feel. There were also a lot of machines and things he had never seen before even though he had been in and out of medical facilities often enough in Midgar to know what should be where. He had no idea what any of the things were called or what they did, but their familiar shapes told him 'yes, I'm in the hospital again.' There were those same machines in his current room plus many more. To Leon, it still wasn't enough, but he was happier knowing that Cloud was in a place that was at least half as good as what he had back in Plane 001.

"Balamb Garden. A military school. This is where I lived before we met," Leon explained, his voice sounding tired.

"Oh. So… is this where we're supposed to be? Or is there more?"

"We'll be leaving here as soon as I know you're alright. I said before that we're going somewhere that's completely different from your world. The entire world. Not just Midgar."

"This is a whole new world to me," Cloud said. Leon shrugged.

"You'll understand more when we get there. For now, the doctor will look you over and we can see about helping you feel better."

"Mako would make me feel better."

"No, it just masks the problem," the brunette said, casting a sideways glare at his Charge. The blonde shrugged and leaned over to unlace his boots.

"I can't help it if a mask makes me feel better," he said simply, toeing off his shoes.

"You may think it helps but it's hurting you more than you think it is."

"And what makes you an expert on everything ever? All I know is that I need it. I'm so fucking sick and tired of being sick and tired, that I just want some Mako to take the edge off. It doesn't even have to be all that much. I just want to be able to walk to the fucking toilet by myself," Cloud grumped, pulling his legs up on the bed and rolling onto his side, giving his back to Leon.

"It's killing you."

"So what if it is? Let me die with a little dignity; the ability to do things for myself is a good way to have that."

"You're telling me to give you what you want even though you know it's killing you. I'm doing everything in my power to make sure you _don't_ die. What makes you think I'm going to just give in and give you what you want just because you're whining at me? The shit's toxic, Cloud. There's no way I'm going to let you destroy yourself for the sake of your pride," Leon explained.

"Pride is just about the only thing I have anymore and even that's getting pretty damn slim. You're dragging me across the entire fucking planet because you apparently need my help with whatever it is you do, and yet you won't help me be functional. What use am I if I can't even walk?"

"There's other ways of going about this. I don't need you perfectly healthy right this second, though it would be nice. I'm willing to help you through healing naturally and if it takes a while, then it takes a while. We're not going to be working together for some time, yet. Just get over this initial hump of your addiction and we can work on getting you up to speed afterward."

"And how long do you think _that_ will take? If I'm not better in twenty years, I'm not so sure what use I'll be if I'm about to die from old age anyway," Cloud said. Leon furrowed his brows. It took him a minute to remember that the life expectancy in Midgar was extremely short. To Cloud, being in his late thirties or early forties sounded elderly at best.

"Don't worry about aging. I can't explain it very well right now, but—"

"I'll understand later. Yeah, yeah, you say that a lot."

"Well, it's true. If I had some sort of visual aid I'm sure I could help you more."

"Whatever," the blonde spat. He was tired of the open ended promises and the unknowns surrounding Leon. The idea of leaving once he was better was a very promising outlook. Dr. Kadowaki came in shortly thereafter and approached Cloud's bedside. The Charge looked up at her with eyes that were ghosting along the lines of bloodshot and played out his entire life's story. It was clear to the woman that there was a lot more to Cloud's poor health than just a life of being a Midgar soldier. She looked to Leon.

"I'll be with you in a minute, dear. Go ahead and step outside so I can examine him," she said kindly. Leon furrowed his brows.

"I don't want to leave. I told him I'd stick around and be his translator," he protested. She shook her head and looked to Cloud.

"Do you want him to stay?" she asked, speaking the blonde's language. The soldier blinked at her emptily. Leon sighed.

"Uh… stay for what?" he asked, surprised that she was someone he could understand.

"I need to examine you. All of you. I would need you to take off your clothes."

"Um, no thanks. I'd rather keep them on," Cloud said, scowling. Dr. Kadowaki was not someone he wanted to be naked around. Leon as well for that matter, even though it was clear to him that the Carrier had seen all of him at some point in his life even if he didn't completely understand how. At the very least the doctor was a woman. It just so happened that she was an older woman and completely unappealing. Cloud wasn't one for being naked around people he didn't want to have sex with.

"Cloud, just do it. She needs to know what she's working with so she can help you," Leon said harshly. He stood and headed for the door, taking the hint that he wasn't needed. Dr. Kadowaki being bilingual wasn't a crime, but it did make him feel less useful to Cloud. He didn't like how easy it was for things concerning his Charge to hurt him. He sighed, stepping out into the waiting area where Reno was already.

"Kicked you out, did they? Me too," the redhead said, giving his friend worried eyes. Leon shrugged.

"Dr. Kadowaki wants Cloud to sit around naked for her, I suppose I should give him some privacy," the brunette said, taking a seat. "Not that it matters."

"I know, right? Watch a guy be naked for… however old Cloud is, and it sort of takes away some of the fascination."

"He's eighteen."

"Right. Good for you to remember, because I won't," Reno said with a tiny laugh.

"My fascination with his nudity died a long while ago. The only time I didn't mind it was when he was an infant because he was so…" Leon trailed, furrowing his brows a bit. "Fat. Pliable."

"Pliable?" Reno asked with a snort. "That's not a word that should be associated with babies."

"You don't remember him? I was sure that if he tried hard enough he could've squeezed under a door. I could hardly believe he had a skeleton under all that flub."

"I don't remember him very well from that long ago, no. I remember Rude, though."

"I suppose that's to be expected," Leon said, crossing his arms over his chest. "He's always going to be fat to me. I'll never forget it," he added. Reno watched his expression with a small knowing smile. The brunette raised a brow at him. "What?"

"You love him," the redhead said. Leon made a disgruntled face.

"How do you figure? Because I prefer hanging around fat, quiet, Baby Cloud as opposed to loud, abusive, asshole, Adult Cloud? Uh… no. No thanks. If that's what love is, I don't want any."

"But when you talk about him, you sound so much happier. I don't understand it, myself, so that's the best I could come up with."

"Yeah, well, I don't love him so… leave it alone."

"Whatever you say, man," the redhead said, folding his hands behind his head and leaning back in his chair. Leon didn't know what to feel. There were so many moments when he was watching Cloud grow up where he felt so strongly towards the blonde. There wasn't a time were the Carrier didn't stop caring about him, but he was completely aware that he didn't feel love like Reno was insinuating. Possessive over protectiveness was not grounds for disgusting lovebird tendencies. Cloud was his Charge. Not his lover. End of story. There was a huge separation there that Leon kept in his line of sight at all times.

"What's Rude's prognosis? Did they say anything?" the brunette asked, changing the subject.

"They don't know for certain yet, but from the sounds of it he probably has pneumonia. I'm not surprised," Reno said, his tone flat and quiet. He sat forward and rested his elbow on his knee and his chin on his palm. He sighed. "It's not an absolute death sentence, but I'm still worried," he added. Leon reached over and rubbed between his friend's shoulder blades.

"Let me know if you need me to do anything," he said. Reno looked to him with wide pathetic eyes.

"Hold me?"

"…No."

"But you said—"

"I know what I said."

"Oh come on. I've had a shit day."

"Me too."

"You don't want any hugs?"

"I don't want to hold you at the moment."

"But later?" Reno asked, his mood perking up considerably. Leon raised a brow.

"Are you that desperate for affection?"

"Yes! Dude, you have no idea. My Charge almost died. That was the scariest thing I have _ever_ had happen to me and I haven't really stopped since it happened. I'm beat. I just… I don't know. I'm being a wimp, but I don't really care. In a perfect world, I'd be in there with Rude and hugging on _him_ , but I'm not. It sucks," Reno said with a light sigh, pulling his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Leon patted his shoulder.

"If I ever get back to my room, I need to find my change code and change. You can come take a nap with me then if you want to," he said flatly. Reno nodded and turned his face to rest his cheek on his knee.

There was a rambunctious clattering as something metal was knocked over in one of the rooms. The nurse from Rude's room rushed out to see what the problem was, but the waiting room was quiet. Cloud started yelling in a frantic and panicked voice, which was then followed by Dr. Kadowaki's neutral voice trying to calm him down. Leon was on his feet in an instant and threw the door open again. His Charge was on the floor, in a hospital gown, and had squished himself in a corner, making himself as small as possible while watching Dr. Kadowaki with wide terrified eyes. A cart of basic check-up implements as well as a few syringes had toppled over in the blonde's rush to get away. It took a minute for Leon to notice, but a piece of the side railing of the hospital bed was missing with shards of plastic scattered on the floor beneath it. The majority of the piece was belted to Cloud's arm.

"What happened?" Leon asked, heading for Cloud. The blonde looked up at him, his breath leaving him in heavy pants.

"She's trying to kill me! What kind of sick fucking place did you bring me to? How is this helping?" his Charge barked. Leon looked to Dr. Kadowaki who was holding an empty syringe.

"What did you do?" he asked. She let out a sigh.

"I was attempting to take a blood sample. He wouldn't hold still so I had to restrain his arm, but once I did that, he ripped the railing off the bed and crawled over there. I have _no_ idea where that strength came from. Scared the life out of me," she said, holding a hand to her chest.

"What kind of awful place is this where you take people's blood? Fucking freaks," Cloud spat. Leon rubbed his forehead with a tired sigh. The blonde's only exposure to a semi-normal doctor's office was when he was an infant, and when he was at the training camp prior to being recruited. One instance he couldn't remember, and the other was the equivalent of being a science experiment. The Carrier was starting to wonder if there was some legitimate post traumatic stress that stemmed from the rest of the blonde's life versus only what he did to Aerith. He didn't know what his Charge's mind decided to remember in times of high stress, even if most of the memories had been veiled behind massive amounts of Mako in the past.

"It's normal, Cloud. They take a little bit and test it to make sure you're healthy and don't have any weird diseases," the brunette explained. The blonde stared at him with furrowed brows.

"I feel like shit because I need Mako. Not because I'm diseased. I'm fine," he said with a huff, resting his chin on his knees.

"You don't know that for sure. It'll take five seconds. Just let her do it," Leon insisted.

"No. It's weird."

"I know it is, but it has to happen if you're going to get better."

"No."

"Come on, Cloud."

"No."

"Cloud."

"No."

"Cloud."

"No."

"Cloud."

"Eat a dick."

Leon sighed, rolling his eyes. "Can you _please_ not be an ass for three minutes and just do what I ask?"

"Fuck you."

"Fine," the brunette said, turning on his heel and heading for the door. Cloud's eyes flicked between Dr. Kadowaki and the Carrier, trying to decipher the lesser of the two evils.

"Wait," the blonde said, making Leon stop and look at him with an impatient expression. "You do it."

"Me? Why?" the brunette asked confusedly. The change in opinion was random and didn't make much sense to him.

"Because I'm your Change or whatever, remember?"

"My Charge."

"Right. That."

"You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?" Leon asked.

"No, but I'd rather look at your girl face than her old lady face if I have to be stuck here," Cloud said. Dr. Kadowaki let out an insulted huff and put her hands on her hips. Reno abruptly giggled from where he had been listening in the doorway. Leon was not amused. He was insulted, not to mention the logic confused him. However, he couldn't ignore the fact that his Charge was asking for his help.

"Whatever," he said, walking over to Cloud and holding his hands out to him. The blonde lifted his arms to take the assistance, but Leon stopped him and undid the fastenings that kept the chunk of railing strapped to his arm. He dropped it on the floor and pulled Cloud to his feet and led him back to his bed. The blonde laid back, suddenly tired. "How did you manage to kill the railing?" Leon asked.

"I don't remember doing it," Cloud said. He glanced at the doorway where Reno was leaving and going back to his seat in the waiting room since the show was over. The blonde caught sight of Rude's nurse doing the same and pointed towards her. "Wait, I want her to do it instead."

"Who? Oh," Leon asked, looking towards the nurse. She was young, possibly even a student, and fairly attractive.

"I like her girl face better than your girl face," Cloud said to the Carrier. Dr. Kadowaki rolled her eyes.

"Well, you're stuck with me. She has another patient and your friend here isn't a doctor. So sorry, but that's what it's going to have to be. I'll be finished in a minute; just give me that long," she said impatiently. The blonde raised a brow at her before looking to Leon.

"Him? He's not my friend. I hardly remember his name."

Leon scowled. "Oh, _thanks_. You're such an ass."

"What was your name again?" Cloud asked. The brunette glared at him, not finding the humor in the joke. Only, his Charge wasn't joking. "I'm serious. I hardly remember this morning, let alone anything before that. Sorry."

"Really?" Leon quirked a brow at him, trying to figure out if he really was serious or if he was just making an effort to fool him. Cloud nodded.

"It's Squall. Can we get back to the exam, please?" Dr. Kadowaki interjected unhappily. The Carrier furrowed his brows.

"Squall. Okay," Cloud confirmed, picking at his gown.

 _God damn it_ , Leon thought with a heavy sigh. That wasn't the right name. "Are you going to flip out again if I leave?" he asked.

"I don't think so," the blonde said. He honestly couldn't remember flipping out the first time, though he remembered the fear. The actual physical activity was lost in a sea of suppressed memories. It wasn't uncommon for the residual Mako that was left in soldier's bodies to reemerge in times of high stress, gathering in one spot on the body and making it stronger than the rest of them. In this case, it was Cloud's arm as he pulled away from the needle. It then recirculated back into his body and evened out, the initial rush of which making it feel like he had gotten a fresh injection. But it was extremely temporary, and doubtful that he'd be able to do it very many times again.

"I'll give you something to help you relax once I get what I need," Dr. Kadowaki said, moving to retrieve new vials and needles. Leon left the room again and went to sit next to Reno.

"Well that was fun," the redhead said with a small laugh.

"Not really," Leon said flatly.

Dr. Kadowaki emerged from Cloud's room not too long after that and waved for Leon to follow her into another exam room. The brunette did as he was instructed and went into the room and sat on the padded table. He winced a little, his backside giving him a sharp twinge of pain. It was a painful reminder of what his Charge had done to him. The doctor didn't notice and went to wash her hands in the sink and pull on a new pair of gloves.

"How is he?" Leon asked. The woman shrugged.

"Asleep. I was going to do a full physical on him but I can only imagine how he would react to me checking his prostate if he can't even handle me drawing blood. Once his tests come back, we'll know more. For now, he's sedated," she said.

"I'm sorry he's so… rude."

"He is what he is. I can only imagine the inhospitable environment he grew up in. I almost expected it."

"Yeah, well, still. I'm sorry."

"Thank you. It's no problem, though," she said, wiping her hands dry with a paper towel. "Go ahead and get undressed behind the curtain."

"Undressed," the Carrier deadpanned, his voice conveying a huge amount of skepticism.

"Yes. Undressed."

"But I'm fine. I don't need to do that. Taking care of my face is enough," he defended. There was more than one reason he didn't want to be naked.

"Not you too. Come on. It'll take me ten minutes to look you over," the doctor chastised, stooping to pull a paper gown from the lower cabinet under the sink. She held it out to him.

"But—"

"It's nothing I haven't seen before, Squall. We've been here once already, remember?"

"I know but—"

"Stop. Get behind the curtain," she said sternly. Leon's eyes flicked between the woman's placid face and the gown. Knowing she wasn't going to relent, he sighed and took the garment from her and shuffled behind the curtain to get undressed. He tried not to look at himself in the mirror, knowing full well that he look absolutely awful. That wasn't his problem, though. The weight loss was a forgettable issue. In an effort to keep the real problem hidden, he scooted out from behind the curtain, purposefully keeping his front facing the doctor until he could sit on the table again. The woman raised a brow.

"I need you to stay standing," she said, which was somewhat of a lie. It wasn't necessary just yet, but she saw what he was trying to do. Leon's hands were shaking a little as he sheepishly pushed himself off the table again. She went to stand behind him but he leaned back against the table and kept her from doing it. She frowned. "Squall, stop it. I need you to bend over and touch your toes so I can feel your spine."

"My spine is fine," he said. She sighed.

"Are you really going to stand here and make it this difficult? I know you know it's routine. Don't give me this grief."

"…Please don't make me," he asked, his hands starting to sweat from the anxiety.

"Do I need to get Headmaster Cid involved?"

"No."

"Then do as I ask. Ten minutes. That's all I need," she said. He took a deep breath and a moment to calm his nerves before he did as he was told. The woman went to stand behind him as he touched his toes but she stopped as soon as she saw what the problem was. She paled a little, and her voice held nothing but concern. "Oh sweetie, what happened?" she asked. Leon abruptly stood upright again and practically threw himself behind the curtain, embarrassment playing through his features.

"Nothing," he said flatly. There were two purpling bruises on his backside; one on either cheek. The sheer amount of force Cloud had used to rape him left lasting damage outside of the psychological. Leon tried his hardest to ignore it and had succeeded in doing so up until that point. He was forced to remember all the problems his Charge had caused him, which made caring about Cloud's wellbeing that much harder. As if the gash on his face wasn't enough of a reminder. Dr. Kadowaki didn't pursue him, and let him hide behind the curtain.

"I _will_ have to look you over eventually, but if you don't want me to right this second, then that's alright. However, I have to put it down in my report, which will bring attention to the problem and Headmaster Cid will probably insist I do the exam sooner rather than later anyway. My suggestion would be to let me do it now just to get it out of the way."

"Can't you just pretend you didn't see anything?" the Carrier asked, knowing full well that she wouldn't.

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

Leon took a minute to assess his options. Right that second, he felt weak. Helpless. Embarrassed and humiliated. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and not come out for a long while. However, if he ignored the exam now, his plan to sleep for eternity would be disrupted when it was actually time to get things done. He didn't want anyone's hands on him, let alone someone poking around in all of his crevices, but he knew it was going to happen eventually anyway, so why wait? His rational side won out in the end and he took a deep breath before coming back outside the curtain, hugging himself and keeping his eyes to the floor.

"What do you need me to do?"


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47**

After he made it clear that he wasn't willing to talk about what had happened to him, the rest of Leon's exam was relatively quiet. His cut was cleaned and wrapped, he had blood work drawn, and he was prescribed lots of fluids, food, and rest. He was given his room key and sent on his way afterward. As he left the exam room, his mood had sunk to the lowest it had been for a long while. He hated so much about so many things right then that it was a surprise he still had the desire to live. Reno was still in the waiting room when he came out and raised a brow at the positively abysmal expression the brunette wore on his face. He frowned.

"Did the evil doctor kick your puppy?" he asked, lightly teasing. Leon gave him no heed and simply walked past him.

"I'm not in the mood to joke, Reno," was all he said. The other Carrier hurried to catch up, casting a glance at his sedated Charge as he went. Once out into the hall, he placed a hand between Leon's shoulder blades, attempting to rub his back and help him feel better. The brunette visibly jumped and pulled away from him. Reno caught a glimpse of a split second streak of white-hot fear that bolted through his friend's eyes before he quieted again.

"Are you okay? What did she do to you?" he asked worriedly.

"She made me remember."

"Remember? Wh—oh. Oh," Reno said, his eyes watching the floor.

"I don't want to be touched right now."

"Okay. Did you still want to take a nap?"

"Yes."

"Okay," the redhead said with a tiny smile. They headed off towards the dormitory wing, Reno looking around at all the shiny architecture with wide and fascinated eyes. He preferred Balamb to Midgar, just as he thought he would. However, he preferred the Shumi Village over them both. He looked forward to going back there with Rude in tow. "This place is amazing. It sure as hell beats my dumpy little apartment and room at the prison."

"If I had a choice, and there wasn't any more fighting, I'd stay here," Leon admitted.

The brunette was thankful that the hallways were empty. Dr. Kadowaki had already asked him way too many questions and he really didn't want anyone to stop him and have him repeat himself. Empty hallways also meant no Rinoa. He was sure he would see her before the day was over, but he was glad he would be able to sleep beforehand. He wasn't sure how long his patience would hold up if he had to deal with her clingy bullshit right then. Reno followed him with minimal questions, and even then, the ones he did ask weren't about Leon himself. They were mostly about the school and what it was like to live there.

Leon's room had been packed up with the boxes stacked neatly in the front gathering space of his dorm. The task of going through them to find his chain and change code was daunting even if there weren't that many. With Reno's help, though, it went fairly quick. The redhead handed off the brunette's chain to him. Changing into his Primal form seemed like such a foreign concept to Leon. His lengthy isolation made adjusting back into a normal routine surreal. The longer he was out and amongst normal society, the more he realized what a difficult adjustment it would be to go back to the way things were. Only, they wouldn't be completely the same ever again. He had Cloud with him now.

He closed himself off in his bedroom so he could disrobe and remove his bandages in peace without Reno giving him worried sympathetic looks. Shedding his skin made the stress and tension in his joints dissipate with each pop and crack of his limbs. He had always been more comfortable in his Primal form than his Implant, and this particular occasion was no exception. It also helped peel some of the layers of damage away from the cut on his face. The mark would still scar and feel a little different than the rest of his skin, but the healing time would be cut back significantly. However, his bruises and internal trauma from Cloud would still be there until it went away naturally.

"I missed this," Reno said when the lion padded out of his bedroom. He knelt and stuffed his hands in the cat's mane and fluffed it around with a smile. Leon wasn't nearly as bothered by this sort of contact and closed his eyes, reveling in the affection. The vision was bittersweet for the redhead. Sweet because his friend's Primal was soft and huggable to him, but bitter because it still showed the damage he had incurred. The cat's ribs were showing more than they should have, his old scars just barely peeked through the short fur on his chest and stomach, and his eyes weren't as bright as they once were. After a few minutes of petting, Leon pulled away and headed back towards his bedroom where he pulled himself up on the bed and lay with his back against the wall.

Reno shuffled out of the majority of his own clothing and crawled into Leon's bed with him and pulled the covers up to his chin. He gently combed his fingers through his friend's mane, coaxing the cat to sleep. Deep even breathing was soon to befall Leon and the redhead smiled a bit, happy to see the other so peaceful. Reno himself was exhausted by the last couple weeks as well and settled in for their nap with one of Leon's arms draped over his waist.

* * *

The sun was setting by the time either of the Carriers woke up. The only reason they did, however, was because there was an incessant knocking on the dorm room door and a shrill and excited voice calling Leon's pseudonym from out in the hallway. The brunette, still in his Primal form, was completely oblivious and kept sleeping as if he had died. Reno, on the other hand, was awake enough to assume that the girl outside was Rinoa. Just by the tone of her voice, he could tell she was going to be a handful. The redhead let out a long sigh and sat up, brushing his fingers through his hair a few times attempting to fix his bed head. He leaned over Leon's face and whispered in his thick fluffy ear.

"Good morning sunshine. Your girlfriend is here to see you," he cooed with a tiny laugh. He wasn't sure Leon wanted anyone to know that they had napped together, so he kept his voice low. It took his friend several minutes to peel an eye open and look at him. He grinned. "I'm sorry in advance. Can you hear her?"

"I know you're in there, Squall. Why won't you answer?" Rinoa's pleading rang.

"Oh, she sounds like a keeper. Real dependant. Should make you feel like the man of the house to have her so wrapped around your finger; even after you were gone for so long," Reno said. Leon picked his head up and gave the door a lazy look over before letting out a grunt and resettling in for the rest of his snooze. The redhead laughed a little. "You might be able to sleep through her racket, but I can't. She's not going to leave until you answer, you know. If you let her go long enough, she might think you're dead."

Leon heaved a sigh. Reno pushed a few long pieces of fur around.

"Poor baby is so popular with the ladies."

 _Lady. Singular. Can't imagine why, either,_ Leon thought. He slowly picked himself up off the bed and stood on it. As he stepped down onto the floor with his front paws, he took a minute to stretch, hunching his shoulders and flexing every muscle he had while dragging his back legs off the comforter. He stared at Reno expectantly, waiting for the redhead to get the hint that it was time to leave so he could get dressed. The other Carrier eventually did leave, taking a second to scoop up his clothes so he could get dressed in the gathering space.

When Leon was dressed and finally answered the door, the look of absolute disbelief on Rinoa's face made his chest hurt. The cut on his face was a lot healthier looking, but it was still not completely healed. The sight made the girl's eyes water, and she reached up to try and touch it. He let her, but made a face when her fingertips met the tender skin. She dropped her hands to press them to his chest and feel him through his t-shirt, making sure he was solid and not a figment of her imagination. After a moment of confirmation, she let out a strangled sob and abruptly hugged him, pressing her face to his chest.

"Rinoa—"

"I thought you were dead!" she cried, belting out a series of hysteric sobs afterward. Leon didn't know what to do for her other than hug her and keep quiet. So much bodily contact made him feel uneasy, and it took all of his willpower to not pull away. She didn't give him much of a choice regardless, and held onto the back of his shirt with tight fistfuls of fabric. Sucking back gulps of air, she pulled away to look at his face. She smoothed her hands up and down his back. "You lost weight," she said sadly.

"Sorry," was all he could think to say.

"I missed you," she said, new tears dripping down her face.

"So I hear," he said, trying to give her a tiny smile. It was a way for him to avoid saying 'I missed you too' because in reality, he didn't.

"What happened?" she asked. He let out a small sigh and turned to pull her into the room with him. "Oh. Hi?" she asked when she noticed Reno sitting on the couch. The girl attempted to wipe her face dry so she wouldn't embarrass herself too much.

"Hi," Reno said simply, giving her a tiny wave.

"That's Reno," Leon said.

"That's all I am to you? I'm hurt," the redhead said with a dramatic sniffle. He stood from the sofa and went to drape his arm around Leon's shoulders. He ran his other palm up and down the brunette's sternum with a flirtatious twitter. "Don't let him fool you. We're lovers. He's a _beast_ in bed, believe me. I was there."

Leon sighed and ran a hand over his face. "Get off me."

"Don't you mean 'get me off?' Been there, done that, babes."

"…Leave. Go away," the brunette grumbled, shoving Reno away. The redhead laughed and waved over his shoulder as he left the pair in silence. Rinoa was giving Leon a confused look, her brows furrowed. "Don't believe him. It's not true."

"A lot has happened. Sorry I'm skeptical."

"Take my word for it. The idea of us having sex makes me vomit in my mouth a little. I even don't consider him part of my own species," Leon muttered and went to take a seat on the couch. Rinoa followed and sat next to him. She went to drape herself on him in an attempt to absorb as much comfort as possible from him but he stopped her by putting a hand on her shoulder and holding her off.

"What's wrong?" she asked. The Carrier's mind was reeling a little; debating on if now was an okay time to break things off before she got too attached again. He felt like he was trying to wean a child and kick her out of the proverbial nest.

"I… just don't want to be touched right now. Sorry. You're right. A lot has happened. It's going to take me a while to get adjusted again," he said flatly. She sat up and folded her hands in her lap.

"Oh. Okay. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No. Just don't push me. Let me take my time."

"Okay," she agreed. Her eyes focused on the floor as she wrung her hands a few times before looking at him again. "Can I ask what happened?"

"I'd rather not—"

"Talk about it. I figured. More secrets," she sighed.

"Not because I'm trying to hide things from you, but because they're painful memories and I don't want to relive them so soon. Please understand that."

"I'd like to. But your history with secrets doesn't give me much hope in ever figuring it out."

"Rinoa…"

"No, don't. Don't try to fix it," she said with a deep sigh. Her posture sagged. "I guess I was stupid for thinking things would've gotten better if you ever came back. Like you would've realized how much you loved me or something while we were apart and the reunion would've been a bit more… romantic. Uplifting. Not so much of a kick in the chest. It's not really working out the way I wanted it to."

Leon was somewhat insulted. The amount of pain he had been through over the last several months was enough to rip his humanity to pieces and make him feel like the equivalent to a bug squashed to the underside of someone's shoe. Nothing came close to the worthlessness coursing through his veins. They sat there in silence as he pondered how legitimately angry he was at her for being so selfish. As if it wasn't enough to come back alive. He needed to conform to her picture perfect reunion when he didn't even want to be with her in the first place. He wasn't exactly an expert on all things romantic, but at the very least he knew that the other person should be happy that their significant other came back and should try to make them happier. Without saying anything, he stood and headed for the door. Standing partially in the frame so that the device would slide open, he pointed out into the hallway.

"Leave," he said, his expression stony and unfeeling. She looked shocked and stared at him for a minute.

"What? Why? Didn't you miss me?" she asked.

"No. Leave."

"What?" she asked again, flabbergasted. "I don't understand."

"Are you really that naïve to your own personality? You come in here after I've been gone for so long and ask me to be completely normal for you and be some massive romantic that I never claimed I was even before I left," he started, stepping away from the door again. He stood in front of her with his arms folded over his chest. "You know what _I_ don't understand? Your complete lack of respect for me. Can you really not accept that I might have been through something terrible while I was away? Do you really think I was out partying and having a bunch of fun?"

"No but—"

"There are no 'buts' to be had, Rinoa. I was…" he trailed, taking a moment to gather himself. He found he couldn't meet her eyes, and looked off to the side a bit. "I was held prisoner, beaten, starved, molested, raped, chased, electrocuted, called every name in the book, had my pride ripped to shreds, and… and I even killed someone. Does it really make you feel better to know all of that? Because I'm about ready to crawl in a ditch," he said, a deep frown marring his face.

"Raped?" Rinoa said with a tiny gasp. She stared at him wordlessly with her mouth hanging open. Leon's eyes shifted to the floor with a deep sigh.

"I don't need your pity. Just leave. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to talk, I just want to be normal again. I can't be your ideal romantic guy like you want me to be, so go," he said flatly.

"That's not what I meant! I thought things would've been happier. For both of us; not just me."

"I don't really believe you. I know the first thing I think to say when I see someone I've missed is 'well, this isn't going how I thought it would.' What did you _think_ would happen? I get held captive for half a year and come back and puke rainbows for you? Should I tap dance? Well tough shit because I don't know how to do either of those things."

"Stop it," she said, furrowing her brows together. Her eyes were watering and she shifted her gaze to the floor.

"Just go. I don't think we should do this anymore, Rinoa. You can't handle my 'secrets' and I can't handle your pettiness anymore."

"Wait. No. I can handle them," she claimed, her voice turning mildly panicked. She stared at him with wide watery eyes; the epitome of pitiful.

 _Don't look at me like that_ , he thought. He really did feel bad for breaking it off. Her attachment was obvious, but with everything that happened and how much she hadn't changed, it was just going to be an uphill battle for the rest of their time together. "I don't believe you can. You haven't changed, Rinoa. I just had a better mental capacity to deal with it months ago."

"I can change! Please. Don't leave me alone."

"If you're willing to change, then change for yourself and make the effort to find some other people to be around. I can't do it anymore. I don't have the patience to wait," Leon said, heading to the door again. He was hearing shades of himself from the near past. He understood the desire to have _someone_. Anyone. Rinoa had been his someone even if it was begrudgingly so. Again, he had to ask himself why she was so into him in the first place.

"This isn't fair. You're not even giving me a chance to make it better. Please," she whined again, her tone changing from hurt to somewhat angry.

"Goodbye, Rinoa."

"You're an asshole, you know that?" she spat, standing from her seat to get in his face. His expression stayed stoic as he looked down on her. "If you had just listened to me and stayed here, none of this would've happened. But no, you had to be Mr. Overachiever and go out there asking for it. You brought it all on yourself. So instead of just admitting you were wrong and accepting it and moving on, your solution is to push me away, yeah? Fine. Whatever. I don't need you and your secretive bullshit. I can find someone better," she said with a huff, stomping out into the hallway.

 _Yeah, I sort of did ask for all of it. Thanks for pointing that out_ , the Carrier thought.

"Is this a bad time?" a new voice suddenly spoke up, causing Leon to startle and look behind himself. Outside the door out of sight, was Zell. He was leaning against the wall, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

"How long were you waiting out here? You could've knocked," Leon said.

"Long enough. Sorry to say I heard a lot," the blonde said with a lopsided frown. The brunette sighed and looked away for a moment.

"Don't spread it around," he said flatly. He really didn't need the entire school knowing about his dirty laundry.

"I don't plan on it. I am glad you see you're still in once piece though. I was really scared you wouldn't come back."

"Are you going to try to convince me you need me to have a romantic reunion with you too?"

Zell laughed. "Not unless you want to, man. I do consider you a friend, though. In that light, I think I have the right to be happy you're okay."

"…Thanks," Leon said. The simple reassurance was welcomed. He wondered if the differences between the blonde's and Rinoa's greetings was because of personality differences or gender differences, but so far, the Carrier was most happiest with the way the men had welcomed him back. Even Quistis' tearful happiness was a bit much for him. All he wanted was an easy to digest 'I'm happy to see you' not a long and drawn out emotional tirade. He had enough of his own emotions to deal with. He shifted his weight from one foot to another, unsure why the air had grown awkward between them. Maybe it was just him.

"You have to be hungry. Want to grab a bite?" Zell asked.

"That would be nice, yes," Leon said, patting his pockets and making sure he had his room key before falling in line with Zell and heading off towards the cafeteria.

* * *

"You're really going to eat it like that?" his companion questioned curiously, digging in to his own mounded plate of food. Quistis hadn't been lying when she said she could arrange for Leon to have a massive steak. The chunk of meat took up the entirety of his plate and even hung over one edge. Of course, it was hardly cooked, at his request.

"Uh, _yeah_. Of course I am. It's sexy. It's practically begging me to do things to it," the brunette said, wiggling his fork at Zell. The blonde was fascinated.

"And that's _all_ you're going to eat?"

"Yep."

"Yeesh," Zell said with a bit of a laugh. "And I thought _I_ ate a lot of protein."

"You have no idea," Leon said, sticking his fork into his meal.

The looks the brunette was getting from his peers around the cafeteria were suspicious at best. For once, though, Leon didn't care. He was totally engrossed in his meal as it was the first bit of real red meat he had had in a _very_ long time. Perhaps it was part of the reason everyone watched him out the corner of their eyes. It didn't take him long to finish the steak though, and once it was gone, he pushed his tray aside and folded his arms on the table and rested his face on them with a contented sigh. Somewhat rested and full of food he could actually digest, the Carrier felt substantially better. It also helped that Zell didn't try to pry into his personal matters. The blonde simply shared some idle chit chat with him and ate his own food like a civil human being.

"Want to take a walk?" Zell asked once they were both finished. Leon raised a brow and looked at him. The blonde was making a specific effort to be friendly, and though it didn't bother him, he had to wonder why. The Carrier couldn't sense any pity coming from his friend, but he wasn't exactly throwing a party nor doing anything interesting that would warrant so much attention.

"Sure," the brunette agreed, unable to think of much else to do. He thought about stopping by to see how Cloud was doing, but with painful memories barely hiding behind a veil of his subconscious, he wasn't sure he wanted to see his Charge.

They dropped their trays off, and Zell led Leon through the halls of the Garden at a leisurely pace, heading out back where the grass was nicely manicured between the trees and flower beds. It was the vague beginning of spring and was still a little cold out, but neither of them seemed to care and the pair strolled along, taking in the fresh air and twilight sky. Leon couldn't help but feel a little strange. He wasn't sure why, but it seemed odd for a couple of young men like themselves to take a walk together versus doing something a little more recreational. Maybe he had been watching Cloud be obnoxious too long and it had skewed his ideas of what normal was. That was entirely possible.

"A lot's happened since you've been gone," Zell said after a while, stuffing his hands in his pockets and making a specific effort to watch the pathway.

"So I've been told, but no one has told me what, yet," Leon said.

"Once the initial panic of trying to find you guys quieted, Seifer went a little overboard. He said a lot of awful things, like how he was happy you were gone and hoped you were dead, and for no reason, really. Once we left Dollet and got back to school, he picked on Selphie and said she needed to find a better man, one like him, instead of some faggot to date. She started crying, and then he had the balls to try and comfort her and ask her out. In front of me," he explained with a sigh. Leon scowled.

"Why the hell do you put up with his shit? I don't understand it."

"I don't anymore. I left him."

"Oh," the brunette deadpanned. There was a short silence between them. "I'm not going to apologize because I'm actually glad you did. He's an ass."

"Yeah. I was surprised how quickly I got over it. I guess that just goes to show how much I didn't need him. Feels like sort of waste of the last few years, honestly."

"Eh, it's not like you're a million years old and going to die soon. There's still time to find someone else."

"True. Thanks," Zell said, giving the brunette a small smile. Leon smiled back. "I was going to tell you about Rinoa but I don't get the impression you care all that much," the blonde continued. Leon shrugged.

"It doesn't matter. She didn't change much to me."

"She didn't, no. But we all thought she had killed herself for a while, there. She stayed in her room so long we thought for sure she had starved, but then she randomly came out and left with Headmaster Cid and then came back with a dog."

"I heard about the dog. Haven't seen it yet."

"It's annoying as fuck. She talks to him really loudly like he's a baby and is practically attached to his side. I was really surprised she went to your room without him. Anyway, whenever someone would talk to her, she would essentially tell them to go fuck themselves and that they were just going to leave her like you did. She blamed everything on you, as you know, and made a lot of enemies because of it. She was beat up a couple of times, too."

"Fuck. I was pissed at her but I don't think she deserved that."

"Well, it went past just you and started to turn into a people-wide hate thing on her part. She would butt into people's conversations and tell them 'I don't know why you're so happy, they're just going to leave you to die alone' and stuff like that. She sort of went off the deep end. She and Seifer really should get married. They're a better fit for each other than they think they are. They're both complete assholes without any reason to be."

"Sounds like it. Anyone else go insane because of me?"

"Quistis was absent from her lessons for a couple days after we got back. She hasn't been the same since, really. She blamed herself."

"Yeah, that much I know," Leon sighed. He hadn't realized that he mattered all that much to anyone. He made a bit of a face. "It's weird. It never occurred to me that anyone would be affected if I was gone. I mean, obviously missing a student isn't anything to sneeze at, but I sort of assumed it just stopped there."

"I'll be honest, a lot of the personal grief was for Irvine. He has a lot of friends. But for you it was different because it was more like regret. Like people wished they had put a little more effort into getting to know you. It was sort of a mixture of both for me. I consider you a friend but I still don't know you very well. I'd like to change that, though."

"I… don't know if we can," Leon said hesitantly. As soon as Cloud was stable, he was planning on leaving. Zell stopped walking and gave him a confused look. The Carrier couldn't meet his eyes.

"Why not? I mean, it's cool if you don't want to but I'd still like to know why."

"I'd like to, but I don't plan on staying here very long."

"Oh. How long do you think you'll be here?" the blonde asked, sounding very disappointed.

"I'm not sure. Remember when I told you I was looking for someone? Well… I found him. He's here in the infirmary. He's really sick, but once he's a bit better and I can move him, I planned on going home."

"Oh," Zell deadpanned, thinking for a moment. "Can I meet him?"

"Uh… I guess? He's sedated and sort of an ass. I'm not really sure you'd like him very much."

"I'd still like to see the one who's stealing you away from everyone," the blonde said with a bit of a laugh.

"You can meet him if you want to, just not today. He's not awake."

"Fair enough," Zell agreed, heading off down the path again with Leon in tow. "So who was that red-haired guy that claimed you were his lover?"

The brunette sighed. "That's Reno. I've known him for years. We bumped into each other while I was away and he just sort of followed me back here. He found his someone as well and we're going to leave together when we can."

"Oh. I didn't know you knew someone else who was looking for someone."

"Yeah, we split up back home and went to find them and just happened to find each other again."

"Well that's good. At least you won't be alone."

"Yeah."

"Can I ask what this guy's name is? The one you found?"

"Cloud."

"Okay," Zell said, leaving it at that. After a few moments of silence, Leon raised a bow.

"You're not going to make fun of his name?"

"Dude. My name is 'Zell' and my last name is 'Dincht.' If I made fun of everyone else who had a dumb name, I'd be the biggest fucking hypocrite on the planet."

Leon laughed. "Okay then."

"Is his last name stupid too?"

"Not really. Strife. That's not so bad."

"Not at all. Way better than mine."

"Can't disagree with that," Leon said. He thought for a moment. "There are a lot of people with weird names in this place now that I think about it. Mine's…"

"Yeah, yours is a little goofy too."

"Goofy is an understatement. Call me Leon. Please."

"Leon. I like that one better."

"Me too."

Zell bumped his shoulder up against the Carrier's playfully with a wide smile. "Okay, Leon."

* * *

Cloud woke up late in the morning the next day. The previous evening was nothing but mental chaos for him. He had been somewhat conscious, floating between sleep and alertness, unable to pick one for hours. Unable to wake up completely to stop himself from thinking, the blonde had spent his time reliving his past mistakes. Being sedated during Mako withdrawal threw his brain into overdrive. His body was unable to move to expend the toxins, so it was all circulating through his nervous system, forcing him to remember things his addiction had suppressed. They were hazy remembrances mostly pertaining to Aerith. Instead of being haunted by footage of a nightmare he couldn't remember, he was completely aware of what he had done. So much so, he could remember the bitter smell of blood and innards.

Leon came to visit him shortly before lunch time. The brunette had spent the better part of his evening talking with Zell about whatever came to mind. Having a normal relationship with someone was perhaps one of the biggest blessings the Carrier had ever come across. He sincerely regretted not taking the time to make more friends beforehand. He was still dreading having to sever the friendship when he left, but he hoped he could find someone like that again back home. Riku, Zach, and Tifa came to mind, but he had been gone so many years he wasn't sure any of them even remembered him anymore. Having that sort of relationship with Cloud seemed so unrealistic it was almost painful to think about. Reno didn't live in his dome so it was sort of difficult to have that same sort of companionship with the redhead. He pushed the thoughts away before he could upset himself and put on a civil face for his Charge. Being in the same room with the blonde made his palms sweat with anxiety.

"Can you do me a favor?" Cloud asked him without even greeting him. The brunette looked at him with a raised brow. The blonde looked absolutely shattered; as if he was going to crumble away to nothing at any given moment.

"What's that?" Leon asked.

"Kill me."

"Cloud, I know you feel like shit but you're not dyi—"

"No. You don't understand. I can't…" Cloud stammered, the words getting caught in his throat. "I remember. I can't do this. I don't deserve to be here. Not after what I did."

"You remember?" Leon asked, his pulse speeding up. "How much?"

"I remember being home and… Aerith," the blonde said, pushing himself to sit up. His arms were shaking as he did so, not because of his upset, but because of weakness. His demeanor, though depressed, was still calm and fairly levelheaded. To Leon, it was unnerving because his Charge sounded completely serious. Reasonable, and serious.

"I'm not going to kill you, Cloud," he said.

"Then find me something sharp and I'll do it myself," Cloud said, keeping solid eye contact with the brunette. Leon furrowed his brows.

"No. This is not the answer to your grief."

"Maybe not, but it's what's fair. I don't deserve to be here after the things I've done. Aerith isn't the only one. I know she isn't. All the people I've hurt, the ones I've killed, the ones I abused, they're all worth more than me. I should've…" the blonde sighed, shaking his head and looking down at his hands. "I should've been killed a long time ago."

Leon knew he should try and comfort his Charge. However, his body wasn't prepared to be that close at the moment. He stood by the door for several minutes, watching his Charge look helpless. He was pale, the bruises on his arms standing out like beacons under papery skin and sickly pallor. He didn't look like the same person that had raped him. In fact, the blonde looked more like he did when he first left Nibelheim; a scared young man who was stuck in a whirlpool of predetermined fate, unable to keep his head above water long enough to grow into his humility. The innocence was ripped from him and was replaced by a soulless drug that sucked the life from him. Cloud didn't rape him. Mako did. Even as the Carrier clung to that tiny string of logic, the trauma was hard to ignore. He made a sincere effort to get closer to Cloud, but he couldn't get his hands to stop shaking. The blonde wasn't blind.

"You're afraid of me," Cloud said, glancing up at Leon through pieces of his hair. A sarcastic smile spread across his face and he shook his head, letting out a disbelieving laugh. "I knew you were a liar. You didn't try to escape and got caught. That's not how your face was cut. I did it."

Leon hesitated before speaking. "Yes."

"And you still want to help me."

"Yes."

"Still think I'm different than Sephiroth."

"Yes."

"You're an idiot."

"Possibly. It doesn't change anything though."

"I don't understand you," Cloud sighed.

"You're my Charge. You're the most important person in my life whether you like it or not. Whether _I_ like it or not."

"Do you like it?"

"You're not a bad person, Cloud."

"Says the guy with the fucked up face."

Leon shrugged. "And who, exactly, am I working to impress? Are you telling me you'd want to marry me if I didn't have this cut?"

Cloud raised a brow. "That's disgusting."

"Well, then tell me why I need to have a perfect face."

"…Whatever," the blonde said with a huff, crossing his arms over his chest. He reclined back on his pillows, glaring at the wall to his left. Truthfully, the cut was the least of Leon's concerns at this point. He wanted to go back to being able to be near his Charge without feeling like he was going to wet himself. He wasn't sure how to make that happen. Regardless of what he felt, he needed to stay by the blonde's side and make sure he didn't try to kill himself. The Carrier eventually mustered up the courage to take a seat a fair distance away from his Charge's bed, prepared for a long day of sitting and watching.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Save the Kittens! Chapter 65.
> 
> "What's-her-face?"
> 
> "Yes, some girl I went to the Garden with back before I made contact with Cloud. For as energetic and interesting as she was, she was a terrible lay," Leon said and sighed a little and slouched in his seat. "Ah well."
> 
> "My my," Riku chuckled. "Covered all your bases, did you?"
> 
> "A few of them."

**Chapter 48**

Angelo, a border collie mix with brown fur and a white chest, was Rinoa's new near-constant companion. She doted on him as if he was her child and carted him around to pretty much everywhere she went. Spending ninety percent of one's time with a dog tends to make one a social outcast after a while, and she slowly adapted to spending her time away from everyone else and playing with the dog instead. However, after Leon broke it off, she spent the next few days listlessly lying in the grass with Angelo's ball lying against her side, neglected. The dog decided she was boring and was rooting around in the underbrush of the tree line, sniffing for whatever he could find. Suddenly, he let out a loud pained yelp which made Rinoa bolt upright.

"Angelo!" she cried, hurrying to her feet and running over to him. The animal had his nose to the ground and was rubbing his snout with his front paws, whimpering. The girl shushed him soothingly and nudged his paws away so she could see what the problem was. Angelo had stumbled upon some sort of stinging critter and had apparently invaded its personal space. He had a thorn-like stinger jutting out from his lip. Rinoa scooped him up and worriedly hefted him back towards the school and to the infirmary where Dr. Kadowaki had the tools to help.

"Rinoa, I'm not a veterinarian," the good doctor said sternly.

"I know, but all you need to do is remove it. I'd do it myself but I'm afraid I'll hurt him," the girl said. She gave the woman pleading eyes and made it clear she had no intention of leaving. Dr. Kadowaki heaved a heavy sigh.

"Alright, fine. But stay out here. I don't need you fussing over him and getting him excited," she said, taking the animal by his collar and leading him into an exam room. A nurse followed in after her and shut the door, leaving Rinoa to her own devices in the waiting room. From there, she had a clear view of Cloud's room, as well as Rude's. However, she only paid attention to Cloud, since Leon was in there with him. The girl had no idea the brunette had brought his Charge back with him, and when she saw them interacting so (seemingly) calmly, she was confused. She didn't understand why Leon couldn't be that civil towards her. She went to stand next to the door frame and listened in to what they were talking about. Rinoa had a very loose grasp of the Midgar language.

"Zack should have some advice for you once you meet him. But you shouldn't expect so much of yourself so quickly. I know when I met him, he was recovering from a surgery he had, and granted, it was a major process, but it still took him a couple years before he could recover fully and walk normally again. The Mako really held him back for a long time. I can't even guarantee he's completely better now because I haven't seen him in… decades," Leon explained, still sitting in his chair a fair distance away from his Charge. Cloud was exhausted and laid against his pillows staring up at the corner where the wall met the ceiling.

"How long was Zack a soldier?" he asked.

"Not very long. A few months if I remember correctly. He didn't even get out of basic training."

"Was he discharged? How did he get away?"

"He escaped and went into hiding."

"…Fucking coward," Cloud grumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"I don't think he was. If given the chance, don't you think you would've done the same?"

"I wouldn't have hid. I would've just gone home."

"Well, I would think the military would've hunted you down, then," Leon said, furrowing his brows. "They might even be doing that now still."

"One brainless soldier out of millions isn't going to make a difference. They don't give a damn about me. If they find me as they're passing through somewhere, they'll probably kill me, but they won't go out of their way to do it. If anything, they'd hunt _you_. Killing Sephiroth was sort of a big deal."

"I'm not worried about it," the Carrier said, reclining back in his seat and folding his hands on his stomach.

 _Sephiroth? General Strahl?_ Rinoa asked herself, pushing her brows together. She could remember Leon telling her that he had killed someone. Her heart sped up, unsure if she should be worried about Midgar coming after him and subsequently, the school.

"Yeah, well, you better hope they don't figure out where you are. Just in case."

"I don't plan on staying here very long, if you recall. We're leaving once you're stable enough to move."

 _He's leaving again?_ The girl questioned. _With that guy? Why couldn't he take me with him? I'd gladly leave here. There's nothing for me._

"Whenever that is," Cloud grumbled. After a long pause, he sighed.

"What are you thinking about?" Leon asked.

"I'm wondering why you think I'm worth the effort. I don't understand."

"I told you. I picked you to help me. I need you. Your worth is measured by how well you can do that. I believe you're able to learn and that you're an intelligent person, but you were never given the tools to help you reach your potential, so it seems like you are worth less than you really are. But I see it. You don't have to yet. I hope you can understand eventually, even though I don't really doubt that you will," the Carrier explained. The blonde didn't have a retort for him and stared at the ceiling.

 _What? What effort is Squall giving him?_ Rinoa wondered, getting angry. From the looks of Cloud's eyes, their language, and what the pair was talking about, it was obvious that the blonde was a Midgar soldier. The automatic hate she had for him was overwhelming and made her blood bubble under her skin. The feelings were compounded when she realized that Leon was going out of his way to help Cloud become successful at _something_. Whatever that something was, it didn't matter. Leon held Cloud with higher regard than he did Rinoa, and the girl didn't like that at all. As far as she was concerned, the blonde was the reason her boyfriend was now her ex. Which, unbeknownst to her, was fairly accurate.

The gears in her jealous mind started turning, and she glared ahead of herself at the floor, wondering what she could do to change the situation. Of course, she didn't want to make it obvious that she was thinking hostile thoughts or get her hands dirty, so she tried to think of someone to help her; someone who disliked Leon enough to see to it that he's hurt. She didn't have any specific malice towards the Carrier other than him leaving her, but if she surmised how much Cloud was worth to Leon, it only made sense that he would be hurt by proxy, which she wasn't completely against. Hurting Cloud meant hurting Leon, so she needed to find someone who was willing to hurt Leon by using Cloud.

Seifer was the only logical choice.

* * *

"The fuck do _you_ want?" the acidic blonde asked snidely as Rinoa approached him. He was loitering about behind the Training Center with his posse of friends simply because he could. "Are you crawling back to me? Is that faggot's dick not big enough for you?"

"Like yours is? I've never even seen it, so I can't compare. I think you're too scared to show me, honestly. It must me microscopic," Rinoa spat back. Seifer laughed and grabbed himself through the fabric of his pants and pushed his hips out towards her. She rolled her eyes. "Enough. Stop it. I need your help with something."

"Oh really? And why should I do anything for you? You're the one who gave me up, if you remember. No takesies-backsies. I don't do that."

"That's not what I want. You don't like Squall, right? Well, he left me because he's an asshole. I don't understand why. He didn't really give a good reason," she explained, the denial of her personality flaws evident. "But, I think it has something to do with someone he brought back here with him."

"He brought someone with hi—oh yeah that Midgar thing. The guy looked like a suffocating fish the last time I saw him. Eden only knows why that idiot is dragging around so much dead weight," Seifer scoffed.

"You saw him?" Rinoa asked. Seifer nodded.

"I was on the ship that pulled them out of the ocean. Faggot Number One was carrying around Faggot Number Two since apparently Number Two's legs don't work or something. I have no idea. It doesn't matter, either. They were still together like two peas in a pod, you know. And I hate peas. It was disgusting."

"Like… do you mean they're like… lovers?" Rinoa asked skeptically, scrunching her face up disdainfully.

"Either that or Squall somehow gave birth to the kid because he was seriously _that_ protective and clingy."

"That doesn't make any sense," the girl said, rubbing her forehead a little as she thought about it. To her, the idea of Leon being anything but straight confused her to no end. She just couldn't see it. Nor could she see him being protective and clingy. He never did any of that for her, anyway.

"It makes perfect sense to me. He got himself captured on purpose to go find his boyfriend overseas. Or something. Either way, all the sympathy he and the other douche are getting makes me sick. Maybe Irvine was really held captive, but there is no way Squall was. He leaves for a few months and comes back with some guy who's obviously really important to him, and we're supposed to believe he just _happened_ to find him? One singular Midgar soldier out of how many? And that this soldier is magically okay with leaving with him and coming here? Come on. Who does he think he's kidding? He has something planned," Seifer scoffed.

"It is a little farfetched, isn't it?" Rinoa questioned rhetorically.

"It's even more insulting that Headmaster Cid is letting the Midgar trash use our medical facilities to get better when they should be taken out into a field and shot."

"What do you think he has planned?"

"Hell if I know. All I know is, right now, they're using the school to regroup before they move on to something else."

"Squall said they're leaving once the other one is better," Rinoa said, hugging herself.

"See? I wouldn't be surprised if they end up back in Midgar sucking Rufus Shinra's balls and telling him how to get over here and fuck everyone's life over. Thinking about the damage they could do makes me sick," Seifer said, a deep scowl marring his face as he held his stomach.

"Then we're on the same page," Rinoa said. The blonde raised a brow at her.

"What do you mean?"

"You want them gone, and so do I," she said, stepping to him and looking up at him with a pleasant smile. "You should do something about it. For both of us." She bit down on the inside of her lip and gave him a sheepish look. "I'll make it worth your while," she said with a bit of a sultry tone, placing a hand on his chest. He immediately nudged her arm away with a sweep of his hand.

"No thanks. You have nothing I'm interested in. Causing a bit of trouble here and there is just a way to pass the time. To actually go against Headmaster Cid's direct orders to be accepting of them and acting on it is grounds for treason. You're asking too much for so little reward. I don't even think you're pretty," Seifer said. Rinoa scrunched her face up in disdain, making the blonde laugh. "You can take your boyfriend problems elsewhere. I'm not interested."

"So they get to sit around sucking up our resources even though you know better? You're just going to let it happen?" She scoffed. "And I thought you weren't a coward."

"Contrary to popular belief, I'm pretty damn smart. It's not cowardice to not do someone else's dirty work and take all the heat for it. I would have nothing to gain and everything to lose in the situation. All that's happening to me is just annoying. It's not killing me. I don't care _that_ much that they're here. You do, obviously. You can't handle that your boyfriend might be gay and that you don't have a penis to make up for it. Get over it, Rinoa. He isn't worth it."

"He made me feel like I mattered for so long and then he up and left me without even making sure I was okay with it. Then he comes back and doesn't even give me the opportunity to make things better, but he has the audacity to go hang around some Midgar asshole's side and deem that he is worth the time and effort for _something_. Do you have any idea how many people that guy has probably killed? And he gets all of Squall's effort? I did nothing to deserve this! It's abusive at best! I deserve better!" she cried, her voice turning hitched and somewhat hysterical. Seifer simply stared at her with a placid expression.

"And I'm supposed to care? It sounds like a personal problem to me," he asked.

"Yes! I need someone to help me. Someone to be my… knight in shining armor or something because apparently Squall isn't man enough to do it without a bit of pushing. I have enough problems as it is, and I really don't need to be told I'm not worth someone's time. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling worthless. Getting rid of that worthless Midgar murderer will not only put a lot of people's spirits to rest, I'm sure, but it'll make Squall come back to me and realize I was the right choice in the first place. I'm just asking you to act on what you know is right and take care of the other one for me. I wasted a lot of time on you. You owe me something in return, you know," Rinoa said, crossing her arms under her bosom haughtily. Seifer laughed.

"I don't owe you anything, bitch. You're delusional. I'm done. Take your craziness and dump it on someone else's lap. I'm not interested," he said, shaking his head behind his chuckles as he turned away. Raijin and Fujin had been standing around listening for the duration of the conversation, silent and contemplating. Seifer's move to not act on his aggressions was strange to them, but they fell in line behind him as he came their way. The threesome headed out towards the rest of the campus.

"She's nuts, ya know?" Raijin said. "What's-his-face has been here hardly a year and she's obsessed with him. Dunno what her problem is."

"Trauma," Fujin said with a nonchalant shrug. Seifer sighed.

"I should've never have bothered with her in the first place. Eden only knows the sense of entitlement it gave her to have me stick with her so long. What I should've done was leave her and then spread a bunch of rumors about her so no one touched her anymore. Now she thinks everyone needs to bend over for her. I don't get it."

Once out into the main segue of hallways that branched out into the various wings of the school, time seemed to slow down for Seifer. From the entrance of the hallway that led to the Training Center, he could see Zell in the distance talking to Leon. From being around the other blonde for so many years, Seifer could tell from his posture and the way he was talking that Zell was attempting to flirt. His hip was cocked just ever so slightly to the side, he was all smiles, and he was showing genuine interest in whatever they were talking about. Leon was fairly oblivious. However, that didn't make the situation any better. First Rinoa was taken from him, and now Zell was being led astray. In the back of Seifer's twisted pompous mind, Leon was the culprit for both occasions. It didn't matter if the Carrier hadn't even been there for Zell leaving him. Ever since the brunette showed up, people had been leaving Seifer's side, and it bothered him to no end.

"Yo, Seifer?" Raijin said, snapping his fingers in front of his friend's face as the angry blonde froze where he stood an stared at the pair down the walkway. He startled, and looked to the other.

"What?" he asked, his tone holding an acidic edge.

"You just…stopped. What's up?"

"Nothing. You guys go find something to do. I need a minute to myself," Seifer said. Fujin and Raijin exchanged glances.

"You're sure?" Raijin asked.

"Positive?" Fujin asked.

"Yeah. Just go," Seifer said. The pair nodded and took their leave, heading in the other direction. Seifer was beginning to wonder when they would leave him too, though he sincerely hoped they wouldn't. Recent history told him it was only a matter of time, and the last thing he wanted was to be alone. He watched Zell and Leon head off towards the Infirmary together and decided to follow them, his mind clouding over with anxiety, forcing it work on auto-pilot.

* * *

"Aw, is that your husband? I bet that's your husband. You're cute together," Cloud cooed when Leon and Zell entered his room. Leon stopped walking and gave him a disdainful look.

"Really? You're going to be like that?" The Carrier asked with a scowl. Zell looked between him and the Charge with a confused face. He didn't understand either of them at all. Part of him sort of expected to be able to, but he wasn't surprised he didn't. He had never talked to anyone from Midgar before, let alone learned any of the language found there.

"Of course I am. Who the hell else is that supposed to be? You don't have any friends aside from the bald guy and what's-his-face with the red hair."

"Did it ever occur to you that I may have had a life before I was held prisoner? I do know people outside of the ones you've seen. And if I don't have the ability to make other friends, how the hell was I supposed to pick up a husband? Your logic is flawed."

"Not to mention the idea is really really _really_ disgusting. I'm sort of queasy thinking about it. I don't know why I do this to myself," Cloud said, scrunching his nose up.

"Shut up. Be civil."

"I'm missing something," Zell said, laughing a bit. He waved to Cloud with a cordial smile. The sickly blonde raised a brow and waved back weakly.

"He doesn't hate me?" Cloud asked confusedly. The snide undertone of his voice faded some as the exhaustion crept back in. He expected everyone in Balamb to treat him like garbage. So far, no one really seemed happy to see him there and the alienation hung over him like a thick blanket. The entire place made him uneasy, and the looming sense of being unwanted made the problem worse. It was like seeing the impending abuse coming at him like an oncoming train, but it never really got there. It hung around in the background, taunting him, reminding him he was dirty and not fit to be there and walk the clean streets. The sharpness of everyone's voices as they spoke to him said volumes about their contempt for him. Even Leon's wasn't easy to listen to, even if the Carrier painted a pretty picture about a promising future.

"He doesn't know you. He probably should hate you, but he doesn't yet. Don't fuck it up for yourself by being… yourself," Leon said grumpily, folding his arms over his chest.

"Well who am I supposed to be if I'm not myself?"

"Someone not terrible."

"So I'm not allowed to be you, is what you're telling me."

"I'm not terrible."

"You stalked me for my entire life. That's pretty terrible."

"Stop it," Leon said with a searing glare. Cloud shrugged a bit, swallowing thickly. Though his wits were about him, it didn't take away from his diminished appearance. He still looked and sounded like he had rolled around in a ditch full of thorns for a decade.

"But you're my only source of entertainment. I'm bored," the blonde sighed, rolling onto his side sluggishly.

"Whatever," Leon said, looking to Zell again. "This is Cloud. Cloud thi—" the Carrier was cut off when he noticed his Charge not paying attention to them. He snapped his fingers impatiently. Cloud raised a brow and glanced at them out of the corner of his eye before holding up his hand, his middle finger prominently displayed to the Carrier. The brunette scowled and stepped to the end of his bed, reached over, and smacked his calf. Cloud barked a yelp in surprise and bolted upright.

"The fuck was that for? You're the asshole snapping at me like I'm some sort of servant. If anything, you should be hit," he said, reaching under his blanket to rub his leg. Zell watched the exchange with a raised brow.

"I told you to be civil. At least wait until I introduce you before you start ignoring us," Leon scolded. He motioned to the other blonde. "This is Zell. I have no idea why he decided to meet you, but he wanted to, so be nice. Or at least pretend to be nice."

"What are you? My father? Don't order me around. I don't give a damn about your friends. I don't want to be part of a gross love triangle or whatever it is you're trying to get out of introducing us. It's bad enough I'm stuck in this bed; I don't need you inviting random people in here to gawk at me. Just leave me alone. Go do something else," Cloud said, the tone of his voice switching from his anger to a soft annoyance. He just wanted to sleep. Maybe if he got a head start on a nap, some of his pride would recuperate. The tenseness in Leon's shoulders leaked away and his posture sagged a little, his features lightening.

"I didn't bring him in here to treat you like a side show. He really did ask me to introduce you. Had he not asked, he wouldn't be here. We'll leave."

"Good," the blonde said gruffly, lying back against his pillow again. Leon turned to Zell and nudged him towards the exit. They left quietly, closing the door behind them. The blonde looked to the Carrier curiously.

"I get the impression that didn't go very well," he said simply. Leon shook his head.

"He thought I was bringing you in there so you could ridicule him somehow. I didn't think he would be that bothered by it."

"He's in pretty bad shape. I bet he wasn't like that when you first met him. If that's the case, comparatively speaking, he's fallen hard. I can see why he wouldn't want anyone to see him like that. It can't do much for the pride," Zell said thoughtfully. Leon was somewhat impressed with the blonde's insight. In the same breath, he hated himself for not taking it into consideration himself. It sounded so simple, yet he missed it completely.

"I guess," was all he could think to say. Zell patted his back and led the way back out into the hallway.

Pressed up against the wall around the corner from Cloud's room, Seifer had heard everything. Like Zell, he didn't speak the Midgar language, but he could tell things hadn't gone very well. All he knew was that Zell was friendly enough with Leon to touch him without the brunette pushing him away. The Carrier's prickly nature kept all public contact to a minimum, and Seifer wondered how close they really were to have as much as they did. When Leon was seen with Rinoa, they didn't make their relationship very obvious; they hardly held hands when they walked together. There had been just enough closeness to give the impression that there was more between them, but only just. Leon seemed far more comfortable around Zell regardless of how far one read into their relationship. It annoyed Seifer terribly, and only reinforced the fact that the Carrier was slowly taking away all the companionship he had. Rinoa had been his public security blanket, his hiding place veiled in a faux heterosexuality, and she had been led astray fairly easily. It made him wonder at what point Zell had done the same.

Though he may have been brash and aggressive, Seifer wasn't stupid. Not completely, anyway. He was able to put the pieces of conversation together into a decently coherent string. Leon seemed angry at 'Cloud' and when they clashed, Cloud's demeanor shifted and he almost sounded hurt. Leon immediately backed off after that, sounding equally as hurt, and he and Zell left with the brunette looking somewhat depressed. Seifer was willing to bet that the bond between the Carrier and Charge was shaky and mostly one-sided. Leon wanted more of something that wasn't there, and when he didn't get it from Cloud, he allowed Zell to fill some of the void. In Seifer's mind, it all went much deeper than a simple friendship between any of them, but the logic was still there, regardless. Zell was Leon's fallback comfort, but if Cloud became more of the focus, Leon would leave Zell alone. The Charge was shaping up to be a decent bargaining chip to get Zell away from Leon one way or another. To anyone else, Seifer's reasoning was pure jealousy, but to him, he was preserving what little chance he had to get Zell back.

* * *

"Why are people so damn complicated?" Leon asked with a bit of a pout as he flicked a piece of his dinner along the rim of his plate. It was the early evening, and he, Zell, and Reno were sitting in the cafeteria together trying to strike up idle chit chat. Reno stabbed at his own meal and shoved a forkful of salad in his mouth. He shrugged.

"Because they have free will and emotions? Life would be a lot simpler if everyone was a robot. But then it'd get real boring real fast," the redhead said.

"I'm okay with boring," the brunette said.

"Boring generally equates to peacefulness, which is what I'm okay with," Zell quipped, taking a sip of water.

Leon nodded. "Exactly."

"Cloud has some issues, but he's pretty easy to figure out," Reno said casually. The brunette scowled and looked at him with a bit of a glare.

"How do you figure?"

"Well, what do you think goes on in his head? I bet it amounts to 'I feel guilty for the things I did,' 'I'm hungry,' 'I need to shit,' and 'I hate being sick.' He doesn't have much else going on. I've heard the way he talks, man. His entire life right now is sitting in that bed and being miserable for one reason or another. You don't help him by trying to give him more things to think about, like meeting people," Reno explained, glancing at Zell. "No offense."

The blonde waved a dismissive hand. "None taken. In hindsight, it was sort of a dumb thing of me to ask."

"Normally, it would be harmless, but Cloud should probably focus more on working through his demons rather than whatever gets shoved in his face right now."

"And I'm more than willing to help him with it if only he'd accept my help versus shoving me away," Leon said grumpily. Reno shrugged again.

"He doesn't know you. You may feel like you know him, but that doesn't help him be comfortable around you. You both met under awful circumstances. If you can figure out a way to show him that things get worse when you don't pay attention and help him, then he might see you as an asset versus something negative."

"I don't want things to get worse for him, though. I'm trying to make it better."

"But so far, as he sees it, you're the cause for all the bad shit that's happened to him even if you and I know that's not the case."

"So… what do you suggest I do?" the brunette asked with a suspicious undertone to his voice.

"Ignore him for a few days. See if he figures anything out. Check in with the doctor lady and just make sure he isn't dead. But until he understands what spending time away from you feels like now that the dust is settling a little, he might not understand that you leaving him behind is a bad thing. You can talk all you want about a better future, but until he sees the difference, he isn't going to get it," the redhead explained. "I did sort of the same thing with Rude a while back. When we first met, he was actually partnered with Tseng. They would argue constantly about stupid shit and pick at one another, but they insisted on staying where they were because they actually worked really well together when it came down to getting stuff done. It wasn't until he and I just happened to be assigned to something together that he understood that he could have someone who he got along with _and_ worked well with. It's very much a 'the grass is greener on the other side' sort of example. Plus, Elena and Tseng hung out a lot and you know… fucked a lot and it eventually turned way too awkward for us third wheels."

"Charming," Leon said with a snort.

"But if you ask him, Rude would say we're the best team ever," Reno said with a grin. The brunette rolled his eyes. Zell only half understood what the conversation was about and just listened quietly.

"He does have a good point, though. If your relationship sort of sucks, maybe you should spend some time away from Cloud and show him it sucks worse when you're gone," the blonde said.

"I don't really know what I would do all day, though. All my energy has been set to help him, and I don't know what else to put it towards. Headmaster Cid hasn't talked to me yet about classes or training or anything, so I'd just sit around with nothing to accomplish," Leon admitted, sinking lower in his seat. His appetite lost, he dropped his fork and folded his hands on his stomach with a tiny sigh.

"You could always hang around with me, you know. I'm alive and breathing pretty well," Zell said, kicking the Carrier's shin under the table lightly.

"I don't want to distract you from whatever you need to do. You know, things like schoolwork. That's more important than keeping me entertained."

"I promise I'll do my homework, mom. It's okay," the blonde teased. Reno watched the two curiously, his interest piqued. Seeing Leon be friendly with other people was a fascinating and rare occurrence for him. Usually if the brunette was being civil, the other person was almost like a business partner to him rather than a friend. He was polite, but that's about as far as it went.

"You better," Leon chastised, a tiny smile ghosting his lips.

"Anyway, I suggest starting as soon as possible. The sooner you do, the sooner things can get going on the right track," Reno said. Leon nodded.

"Okay. I'll try it. Will you keep an eye on him for me? While you're hanging around Rude?" he asked.

"Sure thing."

* * *

It only took Leon a couple hours to feel the itch to get back into the infirmary and make sure his Charge hadn't exploded somehow. He felt nervous, jittery, and he couldn't focus very well. He was aware Zell was talking to him, but none of it registered. Having spent a good portion of his life being able to watch his Charge, not knowing his every move seemed almost neglectful. Zell noticed how distracted Leon was and tried his best to keep his attention without being too pushy, but the Carrier's distress overrode his efforts easily.

"You're sure he's _just_ family? I can't decide if there's more to it than that or if he's somehow your child. You're obsessed," the blonde remarked. Leon turned his attention back to his friend, only half hearing what was said to him.

"Hm? I'm just worried. There's so much wrong with him. Anything could happen at this point and I don't want to miss anything or have it be my fault."

"How can it be your fault? That makes no sense," Zell said, nudging the brunette with his elbow as they walked. They were strolling through the gardens together, getting Leon some fresh air and hoping to clear his head some. It was the early evening, but it was already dark.

"If something happens when I'm not there, it could be something I could've prevented. Neglecting him would make it my fault," the Carrier ran his hands through his hair, nervously chewing on his lip. He heaved a heavy sigh. "I can't do this."

"You guys talk to each other like you hate one another and then… you're like this when you're away from him. I'm really confused," Zell said with a bit of a laugh.

"I'm sure he'd be dancing in the streets, if he could, now that I'm away from him. Don't worry about it. It's just me. I shouldn't be this attached to a guy that so obviously hates me," the brunette said flatly. The blonde stopped him from walking by placing a hand on his shoulder and turned him so they were facing one another.

"You need to calm down. Dr. Kadowaki is one of the best. She isn't going to let anything happen to him, okay? He'll eventually understand that he needs you and things will get better. You just have to be patient," he said earnestly, keeping strong eye contact with Leon to drive his point home. The Carrier swallowed thickly and eventually looked away.

"I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Nothing is."

"But I shouldn't—"

"Stop it. You can't help how you feel. What you should or shouldn't do is irrelevant because it isn't going to change those feeling. Accept them and hang onto them. They're important. Even if they suck," Zell said matter-of-factly, folding his arms over his chest. The shattered look in the back of Leon's eyes worried him. "I'm trying, okay? Give me a break," he said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry. You don't have to waste your time with me," the Carrier said. Zell rolled his eyes.

"Now you're just being dramatic. Come on," the blonde insisted, taking Leon's wrist and tugging him further down the path. He eventually veered off to the side, through a field, and back towards the forest that lined the back of the school's property. For nearly an hour they walked together quietly until Zell led them to a clearing in the trees. Overgrown grasses dominated the space, but the important part was the view of the sky. Millions of stars dotted the pitch black backdrop, making it the clearest sky Leon had ever seen.

"Wow," he said, the mild surprise in his voice being the most positive inflection he had had in days.

"I like it here. It's quiet and makes it easy to think. My instructors tell me that meditation is important, but I usually end up falling asleep, so coming here to just… sit and do nothing is the best alternative," Zell said, taking a seat in the grass.

"Isn't that what meditation is? Sitting and doing nothing?" Leon asked, sitting with him. The blonde shrugged.

"There's more to it than that; this is different."

"If you say so."

"I do," the blonde said, picking at the grass. After a brief silence, he looked to Leon again. The brunette was staring off in front of himself, his jaw tense as his mind was awash with every possible threat that could befall Cloud in his absence. Zell's patience for the dumpiness was starting to dry up and he racked his brain for something that might wake the Carrier up and get him to focus on something else. Most everything he came up with was fairly drastic and he couldn't decide how well any of it would be received. All of it would most likely end up negatively, but he didn't have very many options if he wanted Leon to pay attention. Without much warning, he scooted closer to the brunette and crawled over his lap to straddle him. Leon didn't register anything until Zell's face was in his.

"What—" he started. His words were cut off as his cheeks were cupped between gloved hands and he was pulled in for a kiss. Everything stopped. Every thought, breath, synapses, muscle, halted as it was all lost to the complete shock of what was happening. The kiss was brief, chaste, and Zell pulled back afterward, searching Leon's dumbfounded expression for any sort of clue as to what was going to happen next. He was betting he was either going to be punched or Leon was going to wet himself.

"Leon?" he asked when the Carrier was silent for several moments. The brunette blinked a few times and looked at him properly.

"Hm?"

"Are you okay?"

"…I'm not dead, if that's what you mean."

"Close enough," the blonde said, scooting off his lap and returning to his previous spot in the grass. Leon watched him carefully.

"I'm confused," he admitted.

"That works for me," Zell said, giving the brunette a smile. Leon looked away, his focus shifting from Cloud and his problems, to trying to figure out what was happening between him and Zell, and if it had anything of worth to consider.


	49. Chapter 49

**Chapter 49**

Rude was on his way to recovery, but he still had a lengthy road ahead of him. X-rays of his chest showed a moderate amount of damage to his left lung that made Reno extremely nervous. Once the pictures landed in the redhead's hands, he couldn't stop looking at them. The inside of his lip was painful and bloodied from chewing on it, but he didn't register the sensations in the least. His Charge spent most of his day asleep, which was mixed blessing to him. Rude needed to rest, but being awake and talking helped ease the Carrier's worried mind considerably. Reno spent many hours sitting next to Rude's bed watching him, and making sure everything stayed as it should.

There were several occasions where Rude woke up to find Reno sleeping by his side with his arms folded on the edge of the bed and his face nestled between them. The redhead's own bed didn't get much activity; the covers had yet to be disturbed since they arrived. For Reno, 'bed' meant the chair next to Rude, or draped over the edge of his Charge's mattress in some haphazard fashion. The redhead never got more than a few hours sleep at a time, and the weariness was starting to show on his face. Reno's obsession with his Charge was less obvious than Leon's because Rude was fairly accepting of it and didn't make it an issue between them. It was all kept quiet and subdued, but the reality was that Reno had no right to chastise Leon for his obsession with Cloud because he was just as bad.

"Reno," Rude said, flicking a few pieces of red hair around.

"Hmm?" the Carrier hummed in response. He had fallen asleep again with his arms folded on the edge of Rude's bed. It took him a few moments to realize who was talking to him, but when he did, his eyes flew open and he was quick to sit up and force himself to look chipper. His entire body ached from his awkward sleeping habits, but he didn't let the pain show on his face. He painted a wide smile on. "Hey! I'm glad you're awake. How're you feeling today?" he asked happily. Despite feeling like garbage, he really was genuinely happy to talk to Rude. His Charge let out a tiny sigh.

"You look like shit," he said flatly.

"Aw, thanks. I put my best makeup on _just_ for you," Reno twittered.

"I'm serious. How much sleep have you got—" Rude attempted before his words melted into a series of raspy coughs that shook his entire body. Reno's happy façade fell away and he helped his Charge sit up and rubbed his back. It was several minutes later before Rude could lie back again and breathe somewhat normally through an abused and wheezy windpipe. He looked to Reno. "Go to bed," he said firmly.

"I can't sleep," the redhead admitted.

"You were sleeping just fine a minute ago."

"Right, when you were asleep and not sounding like you're dying," Reno said. A brief look of guilt washed over Rude's face and the redhead immediately regretted saying anything. "I'm sorry. I don't blame you for being sick. It's not your fault. I just worry about you."

"I'm not dead yet."

"And that's good. I want to make sure it stays that way."

"Go to sleep."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No."

"Yes."

"No, I really can't."

"Reno," Rude said, furrowing his brows some. He put his hand on the Carrier's shoulder and shoved him some. "Sleep."

"But I ca—" the redhead said, though his words were cut off by more coughing. "This is what I'm talking about. How can I sleep when you're like this?" he asked.

"It's worse because I'm talking," Rude choked out, holding his chest as he waited for his airway to clear again. It was Reno's turn to feel guilty. He looked at his unused bed. It seemed so cold. When he turned back to his Charge, Rude was giving him a searing glare. He put his hands up, surrendering.

"Okay okay, I get it," Reno said with a nervous laugh. He was starting to think his Charge wanted him to sleep because he thought Reno was getting annoying. The idea sent a pang through his chest. He sighed and stood from his seat, trudging over to the bed. He kicked off his shoes, shrugged off his jacket, and pulled the belt from his pants. Once under the covers, he lay down, pulled the blankets up to his chin, and stared at his Charge with wide doe eyes, quietly seeking approval.

"Good. Now stay there," Rude said gruffly, rolling onto his side with his back to the redhead. Reno frowned a little, but didn't say anything. In reality, the Charge wasn't really angry about anything. He was just as worried about Reno as Reno was for him. To him, his friend's demeanor was unlike anything he had ever seen before. For once in his life, Reno really looked his age; like a tired middle aged man. Being a Carrier, the concept of aging wasn't a concern, but that didn't mean that the stressors in life couldn't drag them down and give a little droop to everything. His normal vibrant self was turning into a distant memory for Rude and it hurt the man more than he felt it should have. The Charge couldn't do anything to force himself to get better faster, but pushing the redhead away for the moment so he could rest more was the only alternative he could come up with to help. Plus, Reno getting some decent sleep would hopefully bring back the vibrancy the Charge liked so much.

* * *

Leon spent a few days being very very very _very_ confused. Zell didn't seem to be all that affected by the kiss, but that only made the Carrier think about it more. They spent a lot of time together, but none of it gave Leon the impression that there was any more between them than what they had before. Then again, he was fairly stupid when it came to relationships and he knew it. He second guessed just about everything they did together, wondering if there was some underlying context he was missing. Zell noticed the brunette's tenseness and felt guilty. Knowledge of Leon's rape kept him at bay, not wanting to push the subject of anything more for fear of treading on something fragile in the Carrier's psyche. However, he didn't have to think on it very long. Leon's patience eventually ran out and he _had_ to know what he should be looking for.

"Okay," the brunette said, scooting up to Zell's side. They were outside again, sitting under a tree together. They both had a pile of books next to them. Zell's were mostly for his studies, but Leon's were just randomly pulled from the library; whatever seemed interesting. Leon took the book from the blonde's hands and set it next to him. He gave his friend a scrutinizing look, leaning in and practically searing the skin off Zell's face with his eyes. The blonde leaned away from him, a brow raised.

"Okay? Is there something on my face?" he asked confusedly. Leon was quiet for a moment before he sighed and sat back again.

"This is bothering me," he said.

"I'm sorry? Do I have a booger or something? If it offends you, I can pick it if that's what it takes to make things right again," Zell offered. Leon's expression blanked as he let the opportunity sink in before he abruptly laughed. The blonde grinned.

"No. You don't have one. Well, I mean, you might, but I don't need to go looking for it. You can keep it."

"What's bothering you, then?"

"It's not…" Leon trailed, wondering how he should word things. "It's not _bothering_ me per se, but I am really confused by… the other day."

"Oh? What about it?" Zell asked, folding his legs underneath him. He balanced his elbow on his knee and his chin in his palm, giving the brunette his undivided attention. Leon picked at the grass, unable to keep solid eye contact.

"I'm not sure how far I should read into it," he admitted.

"How far do you _want_ to read into it?"

"I'm not sure about that too."

"Does it make you uncomfortable?"

"Not… uncomfortable. Confused. Extremely confused. Maybe a little nervous, too," Leon said uneasily. "I'd feel better if I knew where it came from and why."

"You needed something new to think about rather than dwell on what's going on in the infirmary. I've liked you ever since I met you, so I felt okay with it, but at the time it was more of a distraction. But if you're okay with it too, then it can be more. I'm not going to push you for it, though. I don't want to overstep boundaries. Or at least… overstep them more than I already have."

"Oh," Leon deadpanned, unsure how to take the explanation. He furrowed his brows in thought. It was true that he hadn't thought about much else over the last few days so for what it was worth, Zell accomplished what he set out to do.

"You've been through a lot. If this makes things worse for you, don't act on it. Seriously. I don't want to hurt you; it was never my intention. You look sort of upset."

"I'm trying to decide what I'm comfortable with. I'm not upset."

"I thought you said it didn't make you uncomfortable."

"Not kissing. I'm just trying to figure out how far I'm willing to go and if it's worth wasting your time. You know I'm not going to stay here for very long. Cloud and I… Hm," the brunette said, his thoughts coming full circle. If he was to get involved with Zell, would being around Cloud be detrimental? He could very easily imagine Rinoa getting angry with him for it, but he couldn't decide if Zell would be the same way.

The blonde smiled. "Believe me, whatever happens is cool. I'm not expecting you to disrupt all your plans and all your preparations just because I'm willing to do whatever. If you want to go further, then we can. If you don't, then we won't. You're not offending me either way."

"Okay…"

"Seifer taught me a valuable lesson when it came to getting involved with someone in the military. Don't bank on getting married," Zell said with a laugh. He sat back, leaning back against his palms. "He was sort of a nutcase to hold himself back from graduating just so we could be deployed together. It was kind of cute, but at the same time, it was really stupid. I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm probably never going to leave the military. I will most likely die out in the middle of a field somewhere and that it's most likely going to happen within the next five years. My mom knows that, everyone here knows that's the way it works, so why should I delude myself into thinking I'm going to be some super soldier that's going to come out of this in twenty years and get married to a friend I met decades ago? It's just not realistic. So…" He made a thoughtful face and shrugged a little. "Don't expect me to be here a year from now. Don't expect me to take anything we have very seriously. I don't expect you to drop everything and commit to me, so you shouldn't feel pressured to do it either."

"So, you're proposing friends with benefits."

"Essentially. We can call it that."

"The only problem with that is I don't know how comfortable I am with those benefits," Leon said.

"Because I'm a guy? Or because of… the other stuff?" Zell asked. Flat out stating his friend had been raped seemed a little too brash.

"Some of both. Mostly the latter, but I've only ever been with Rinoa before…" the Carrier trailed, obviously torn over the idea. He wasn't like Cloud. The idea of having sex with a man was pretty much the same feeling he had when he thought about having sex with a woman. It just didn't matter; however, the interactions before and after were more or less a matter of pride for him when he thought about being with a man. With a woman, any sort of sexual faux pas could be brushed off as gender differences and such issues were easily put to rest. 'You don't understand because you don't have a penis' couldn't be used with Zell because he _did_ have one, and he had had a sex life before. He probably had enough experience to say 'Well that doesn't normally happen to _most_ guys…' and that was something Leon really didn't want to hear if he was absolutely abysmal. In fact, he was pretty sure he would be awful when the clothes came off.

"But you're not completely against it? If you were, you would've told me already right?"

"Right. I'm just a little worried."

"Worried you'll… underperform?"

Leon held his face in his hands. "Is it really that obvious?"

"No, but I was the same way," Zell said with a smile.

"Oh," the Carrier said, his cheeks a bit pink.

"Honestly, the fact that we can talk so casually about this and you're not running in the other direction is a pretty good indication of how level headed you are about this. I'm more confident about your first time than I was with mine."

"I'm glad one of us is confident about it, then."

The blonde laughed. "You're thinking too far into it. Just relax. Everything's cool. We'll figure it out when we get to it."

The skies overhead started to dim as a wave of clouds blocked out the sun. Both boys looked up and tried to figure out how much time they had outside before it started raining. They both preferred the outdoors as opposed to the stifling indoors, so trying to prolong their visit under the tree was only natural. It started to drizzle, pattering a few raindrops here and there, and that was the sign to get going. Leon was completely okay with staying out in the rain, but they were surrounded by books, and the library didn't take to kindly to their things being ruined. Without saying much, they gathered their things and headed inside. Once there, Zell checked the time and sighed.

"I have class," he whined.

"Well then you better get going then, shouldn't you?" Leon asked rhetorically. The blonde shrugged, looking somewhat depressed over the idea.

"Yeah, I _guess_. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah. You know where to find me."

"Okay," Zell said with a smile. Leon smiled back. "You should do that more," the blonde added.

The brunette's smile faded. "Do what?"

"Smile. It suits you better."

"I probably should," Leon agreed. With a wave and a grin, Zell left and headed for class. The Carrier went in the other direction towards his bedroom.

As he walked, Zell's mind was in a bit of a haze. There was a lot going on that he had to process, and he didn't know where to start. While it was true that he had somewhat of a curious interest in Leon, he couldn't definitively say that what they had agreed on was the right thing. It was nothing personal against the Carrier, but the blonde had absolutely no experience dealing with someone who had been through so much and there was a lot of second guessing on his end. Would going further hurt or help? Would it give Leon some comfort or would it traumatize him more? Zell didn't want to think that any of it was bad, but he couldn't let himself fall into the delusion that everything was sunshine and rainbows. The only sure thing he could count on was his own state of mind and focus on every clue Leon gave him and go from there.

A hand on his chest stopped him in his tracks and he startled some. Rinoa was hardly a foot away from his face and he was so involved with thinking that he hadn't even noticed her. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I heard you two outside," she said flatly, a smoldering glare burning into his face. Angelo was sitting next to her quietly, both of them slightly damp from the rain.

"Okay? So we were talking," Zell said skeptically. She pointed a finger in his face.

"Stay away from him. He doesn't need you or your bullshit."

"He probably doesn't _need_ it, but he seems to like it just fine. I don't really know why that's any of your business anyway. He doesn't seem to want to have anything more to do with you."

"He's delusional. Obviously he's been traumatized and thinks he's only good enough for other men now. Who knows how much he's keeping from everyone? For all we know, he could've been tortured, brainwashed. People don't just turn gay for no reason."

"You're right. They don't. And he obviously isn't gay because he was with you. He's bisexual, and he's allowed to be. I don't understand why that's so wrong."

"Bisexuality isn't a real sexuality. It's a phase. Everyone picks one gender eventually," she said, crossing her arms defiantly.

"… Do you even pay attention to the amount of shit that flies out of your mouth? I find it hard to believe that it's not that noticeable. Everyone picks one because they usually find one person they want to spend their life with and that person is generally one gender or the other. To everyone else, it looks like they're gay or straight with no grey area in between, but it doesn't change the person's interests just because they found someone specific. I don't…" Zell sighed, running a hand over his face. "I don't understand how you can be such a bitch and expect people to stick around you. Maybe I'm missing something, but it's not hard for me to imagine why you have no friends. Just… go away," he continued, walking around her and heading down the hall, shaking his head.

Fuming, she turned towards him and yelled at his back. "Friends with benefits never work out! You're just hurting him by giving him something so unfulfilling! It's selfish!"

"You're not his mother! Despite what you may think, he can make his own decisions!" Zell yelled back over his shoulder.

* * *

Leon was by himself in his dorm for a little while and spent the time reading and trying not to over think things. There were too many things to think about, but even if he could pick just one topic to focus on, he couldn't figure out which one he would understand the easiest. Thankfully, there was a knock on his door to distract him further. He didn't think Zell's classes were over so a visitor was sort of unexpected. Regardless, he answered. It was another student; one he had never met before.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Headmaster Cid wants to see you," she said.

"Oh. Okay, one second," the Carrier said, ducking back into his dorm to grab his key and pull on his boots. The walk to the elevator and the ride up to the top floor of the school was fraught with questions and concerns. He had no idea what to expect from the impromptu meeting, and was a little afraid Headmaster Cid was going to ask him and everyone else to leave. Cid's office was just how he remembered it from when he first came to the Garden and it was still just as daunting. The Headmaster himself wasn't at his desk, but was standing by the windows, looking out over the wide expanse of land behind the school. The student escorted Leon as far as the desk before turning to leave. Once the door clicked shut behind her, there was a brief but uncomfortable silence.

"It isn't very often that we have a student go through as much as you have. A year of training is not nearly enough to deal with everything you've seen. Basic combat skills are fine and everything, but the psychological things we teach during the second year are really what make a soldier as efficient as they can possibly be. Dealing with the horrors of war and using quick thinking to get out of hairy situations is the forefront to what we do. You've probably seen and gone through more horrors than any of the students here will ever see with half the experience to process them," Headmaster Cid said without turning away from the window. Leon stood by the desk awkwardly for a moment before going to stand by the man. The Headmaster turned to him and gave him a tiny smile. "I'd understand if you didn't want to continue your studies. I'd also understand any animosity you have towards us."

"I have no animosity for anyone here," Leon said.

"I probably shouldn't admit how comforting that is, but I will. I've thought a lot about the entire situation and it's kept me awake for several nights as I try to figure out what went wrong, what we missed, and what we could've done differently," the man said. He sighed a bit and turned back to the rain spattered window. "I hate to ask so much of you, but could you take some time to tell me everything you know about where you were and what you saw? Your medical reports were fairly definitive in telling me what happened to you, so I don't need any details about that, but wherever you were kept and what sort of place it was would be a very valuable bit of information. As of right now, we're fairly ignorant of what facilities Midgar has in our territory outside of Deling City."

"I can try. The only thing I know was that it was a base of some sort, in the desert, near Winhill. Or at least, where Winhill used to be. My friend Reno would probably know more than I do, but he would probably need some convincing before he'd give anything up," Leon said. He was always told to keep a hands-off approach when it came to the war and changing the future of the world he was in. Being a soldier was one thing, but he wasn't supposed to meddle with internal affairs. The information Reno had was something that could severely alter the way Balamb acted from that point forward, and it could even tip the scale in their favor if they were smart about it. It was a huge conflict of interests for them both since they knew where that world was headed and were both upset that such good people would be lost. Leon didn't want to make the decision for Reno, but he would keep his mouth shut if the redhead wanted to talk about what he knew.

"How much convincing would he need?" Headmaster Cid asked, his voice taking a serious edge. He looked to Leon again with a sort of coldness to his eyes. It was a valuable reminder to the Carrier that despite how compassionate one side seemed, this was still war, and there was still a 'whatever it takes' sort of mentality when it came to victory. He felt a little like he was dangling Reno in front of a hungry crocodile.

"I'm not sure. If he isn't willing to talk, though, what would happen? And for that matter, what would happen to everyone that isn't me?"

"It all depends how the conversation goes. Though, I do feel an immense obligation to keep you safe. If that means I can repent for our shortcomings by keeping you all here until you're well again, then I can do that, even if your friend refuses to help. But after everything is stable, I can't say I would be willing to offer the school up as a hotel for them so they should probably leave as soon as they can," the Headmaster said with a small shrug. "Then again, if they're helpful, I can be fairly generous. Whether or not this poses a problem for them is inconsequential to me. As my student, you are my only obligation and I intend to keep it that way at the very least."

"I see. I can't say that having to find somewhere else to say is that much of a motivation for him."

"Then so be it. We're not desperate for help. We can manage on our own. If he doesn't give us anything, then nothing changes. It's really just that simple. For now, though, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know," the man said, turning to Leon again. "Did you need someone to talk to? A professional, maybe?"

Leon shook his head. "I think I have someone already."

"Alright. The offer will stand for as long as you're here. Have you thought about classes and whether or not you want to continue your education here?"

"To be honest, I'm not sure. Part of me wants to stay and part of me wants nothing to do with it," the Carrier admitted. It was a half lie. He had no idea how long they would need to stay before Cloud was able to move freely again, so in order to make sure they weren't kicked out prematurely, he figured it was best to show some interest in staying. Really, once everything was set and they were on their way out, he wouldn't come back, so any sort of consequence for abandoning his duties would be a moot issue. He just needed to make sure they had a roof to stay under until they could get moving. Plus, he was nowhere near mentally prepared enough to venture out on his own with Cloud. Maybe having some semblance of normalcy with Zell and a little bit of peace would set him straight. Or so he hoped.

"I have to ask you to make a decision because I need to know what I should be doing with you. Whatever your choice is, I will support it, and help you get where you need to be. However, I can only wait so long before things need to move along. It's useless to have you start any classes at this point since the year is almost over, so I'll give you until then to figure out what you want to do. The sooner the better."

"Fair enough."

"Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Nothing that I can think of. What you've already done for us is more than enough, and you didn't have to do it in the first place. Thank you."

"It's not a problem. If you could talk to your friend for me, I would be very appreciative. Otherwise, you're dismissed," the Headmaster said, turning back to the window.

"Yes sir."

* * *

Cloud was bored. Leon hadn't come back since their little spat the a couple days before, so his avenues for entertainment had all but dried up. There was no television in his room, no radio for music, he couldn't read, and he couldn't move very well. All he had to do was think, and even that wasn't helping very much. He hated to admit it, but talking to the brunette and hearing the stories Leon had to tell him were actually more interesting than he realized. The blonde found himself wondering more and more about wherever they were supposedly going and what the people were like there. Whenever Leon mentioned their work, it got sort of muddled and hard to process, but the people sounded okay. He waited and waited and waited, but Leon didn't come back.

For four days Cloud sat by himself with nothing but his mind to entertain him. It eventually got to the point where immature mischief was all he had. Tossing the fork the nurses gave him for his meals out into the waiting area was fairly exciting, especially when the younger girls were working and had to bend over to pick it up and bring it back to him. Cheap thrills like looking up the occasional short skirt eventually led to more daring moves simply because he wondered how much he could get away with. Dropping something next to his bed when the prettiest nurse was working was his favorite past time, and he eventually got so bold that sticking his hand up her skirt and feeling the inside of her legs felt like something he was almost entitled to. That is, until she put a stop to that by backhanding him across the face. She left in a huff, and the blonde was later informed that Dr. Kadowaki was the only one who would be seeing him from that point forward. Needless to say Cloud's hands stayed where they were supposed to when she was around.

"I don't understand why you're so cranky. You brought it upon yourself," the good doctor said to him as she looked over his charts. Cloud scoffed and folded his arms over his chest.

"She was asking for it."

"Women don't ask to be molested simply by wearing clothes they like."

"I was giving her a compliment. I can't talk to her, so what else was I supposed to do? I just wanted her to know that I like her legs. It's not a crime."

"Not in your country, it isn't. But here, you need permission to touch other people."

"Her skirt was enough permission. It's like putting something expensive on a pedestal without protective glass. You're practically asking for it to be touched."

"That's not how it works with people. You have to understand that if you want to get the most out of this place. I don't expect you to know everything we do here, but at the very least use some common sense," the woman chastised. "Plus, you could've asked Squall to translate for you if you really wanted to compliment her so badly."

"I haven't seen that bastard in days."

"Oh really? I can't imagine why," she said sarcastically. She and Leon had talked on several occasions about Cloud's health, and she was fully aware the Carrier hadn't been in to see his Charge, but Cloud didn't need to know that.

"Whatever. I knew he was full of shit anyway. He wasn't going to take me anywhere," Cloud said, slouching down under the covers more, looking grumpy. He felt betrayed and he hated it. It wasn't supposed to hurt so much when someone one barely knew turned away and abandoned them.

"From what I hear, you told him to leave," Dr. Kadowaki said, idly flipping through the blonde's papers. Cloud furrowed his brows.

"How'd you hear that?"

"The nurses told me."

"… They understood what I said?"

"Yes. Most of them are bilingual."

"… So you're telling me I _could've_ talked to that one with the nice legs?"

"Yes. Did you even try?"

"No."

"Exactly. And now you're stuck with me," the woman said with a bit of a smile. She couldn't help herself. Cloud held his face in his hands.

"I can't believe this," he sighed.

"Do you regret it now?"

"Yes."

"Good. Because I was lying," she said with a tiny laugh. Cloud dropped his hands to his lap and gawked at her.

"How the _fuck_ are you a doctor? You're a terrible person. This only reinforces my fear of you coming in and killing me in my sleep."

"Teaching you a valuable lesson in how things work over here was worth the breech in ethics. You haven't once said anything positive about anything we're doing for you, not even a 'thank you.' If it wasn't for Squall insisting we care for you, we would've just let you wander out of here and left you to your own devices. How long do you think you would've lasted? We're a ways away from town and you would need to cross open planes and forests full of wildlife and beasts before you found any more people. If that's a better alternative to sitting in here and getting better, then you should keep insulting people. I'm a hair's breadth away from letting you leave, just so that you're aware. I will _not_ have you molest my nurses and I won't stand for any more abuse. Do you understand?"

The reality of the situation smacked Cloud in the face. Without Leon to keep him there, no one else gave much of a damn about what happened to him. He was quiet for several minutes before nodding. "Yes."

"Glad to hear it," she said, setting his charts back in their little cubby at the end of his bed. She turned to leave, but Cloud stopped her.

"Wait! If the nurses didn't tell you that I told Squall to leave, then how did you know?" he asked.

"He told me himself. He didn't seem happy about it, either. I don't think I'll ever understand how you can so freely hurt someone who's obviously just trying to help you," she said, leaving the blonde by himself again.

Cloud didn't know what to say. He thought over the entire situation again, analyzing everything he could remember with a metaphorical microscope. Leon was a creepy guy as far as Cloud was concerned, and the reason he was no longer living in an ignorant bubble about all the damage he had caused in his life. The Carrier had apparently stalked him his entire life and presented all of his sins on a silver platter and shoved it in his face for him to be traumatized by. Despite all that, despite knowing what an awful person Cloud was, Leon wanted to give him an entirely new life. From the sounds of it, that life didn't sound all that bad, either. Aside from those two conflicts, Cloud couldn't think of much else that Leon did to him. For as weird as he was, the Carrier hadn't forced him to do anything, didn't cause him any real harm, protected him, killed for him, and listened whenever Cloud told him to do something. When the blonde didn't want to be touched, Leon backed off. When he wanted Leon to leave, he left.

With Aerith's death staring him in the face, it was hard for Cloud to look past everything negative Leon had caused him, but he could admit the Carrier wasn't that bad. He was a bland, boring, mopey sort of guy, but he wasn't _bad_. He felt a little guilty for overreacting and sending Leon away, but at the same time, he couldn't bring himself to beg for the Carrier to return. Dealing with such conflicting emotions was exhausting and after a while of thinking about all of it, the blonde eventually gave up and rolled over for a nap. His dreams were fraught with the possible future of being dumped outside the school and left on his own.

He awoke again that evening to a dark room and partial silence. He strained his ear to hear what the slight sound was and eventually concluded that someone was having sex somewhere nearby. He was sort of jealous, but before he could dwell on the feelings too long, something out of the corner of his eye moved and he startled. Half of the lights in his room clicked on and there was someone standing next to the closed door that he sort of recognized. It was Seifer, though Cloud couldn't remember the name even if his life depended on it. With a smug smile, the cadet meandered over to Cloud's bedside just in time for the sickly blonde to sit himself up.

"You probably can't understand me, but that's okay," Seifer said with a bit of a shrug. Cloud furrowed his brows in confusion. Before he could question anything, Seifer stuffed a hand in his jacket pocket and pulled out a syringe. "I have a present for you," he said, waving the little glass tube in front of the soldier's face. Cloud's eyes grew wide and his jaw dropped.

"Mako," he said, his heart rate speeding up and pounding against his ribcage. Seifer laughed a little.

"That's right. You wouldn't _believe_ the trouble I had to go through to get this, you know," he leaned in, his smile widening. "Do you want to be my _best_ friend? I think we should be. Best friends do things for one another. I can give you this, and all you have to do is follow me. Is that okay?" he asked, though Cloud wasn't paying attention to him. His eyes were glued to the syringe in the other's hand.

"Please," he said, hardly above a whisper. He glanced at Seifer's face then back at the syringe. "I don't want to be sick anymore."

"I didn't understand a word you said, but I'm going to pretend that was an agreement," Seifer said, handing the syringe to Cloud. The younger blonde practically snatched it from him and nearly dropped it. He fumbled around with it for a moment before he was able to hold it properly. Flexing his arm a few times to make his veins stand out a bit more, he pulled off the cap with his teeth and was quick to plunge the needle into his forearm. Seifer stood back with a raised brow, the enthusiasm catching him a bit off guard. Cloud visibly shuddered and let out a long relieved sigh, the rush of euphoria immediate.

"Fuck…" he trailed, laughing a bit as he flopped back against the pillows with a small smile.

"Okay, that's not completely weird or anything. I really hope you didn't just cream your panties because we need to get going, and that's just embarrassing," Seifer said with a bit of a shrug. He turned to the small cabinet in the corner of the room and threw the doors open, digging around for Cloud's clothes. He tossed the fabric on the other blonde's bed and turned around, giving Cloud an impatient look. "Come on now. Raijin can only fuck your babysitter for so long."


	50. Chapter 50

**Chapter 50**

There was one thing Leon was certain about, and that was that he really enjoyed Zell's company. They could have a conversation and the brunette didn't feel like he was being judged, the subject would be something semi-intelligent, he wasn't being drilled for personal details about himself, and the overall atmosphere was casual and comfortable. Not even Reno made him feel _that_ relaxed. Zell didn't push him to do things or encourage him to go out of his comfort zone. The blind acceptance he had for the Carrier and all the faults of his personality was something Leon promised to keep in the back of his mind when talking to anyone else. He knew any sort of relationship he had with Zell, regardless of magnitude, was something he was going to compare future relationships to. On several occasions, he wondered if the technicians would notice if he put Zell in Cloud's place. He felt bad for thinking that way, so he kept his opinion secret.

Everyone has their secrets, and Zell was no exception. The only reason he knew how to deal with Leon so well was because Rinoa opened her big mouth. Once the initial shock of Leon and Irvine going missing settled, her anger was quick to take the place of her grief and she couldn't help but share just about everything she knew about the Carrier. From his dislike of talking about himself, to the secrets he kept, to his weird textured tongue, to how he was a virgin before she got to him, and even how he never had sex with his shift off; all of it. The only part Zell didn't pay attention to was when she went on about the size of Leon's penis. It was physically impossible for anyone to be that microscopic, and even if it wasn't hanging down to the brunette's knees, Zell was sure it was just fine. Regardless, he knew what landmines of questioning to stay away from. He knew that Leon liked to spend quiet time with people and wasn't one for going out and being a social butterfly. Even if Leon didn't share mountains of information with him, Zell didn't get upset because he knew if he tried to get anything out of him it would just backfire. Instead, he would just lend an ear whenever the Carrier did want to talk.

It was still raining outside, and instead of sitting in the mud together, both boys were sprawled out all over Leon's couch with books littering the floor. The brunette's legs were stretched out in front of him with Zell sitting between them down near his ankles. The Carrier was loosely helping the cadet with his homework, but was mostly reading simply because he enjoyed it. Zell wasn't the most studious person around and complex battle strategies were very long winded and he lost his understanding of them fairly easily. Leon would read the page over and put it into simple paraphrasing the blonde could remember easier.

"This is why I shouldn't be a soldier. I'm a thinker, not a fighter," Leon said, handing Zell's book back to him and laying back against the armrest again. The blonde laughed.

"I'm the opposite. I'm better with quick thinking and reaction time than I am with books."

"At least you're aware of it and you're not like the assholes that go around trying to be the best and denying when they fail at something. Everyone has their limitations and weaknesses."

"Unfortunately the military expects us to be everything all at once. You can't slack in either category otherwise you get left behind," Zell said, turning a page.

"It'd be different if they didn't grade you on it, though. If it was a pass/fail sort of environment, it'd be more brutal. Getting a 'C' in a class is good enough. You don't have to be stellar for something like this."

"True, but if you don't work enough to get a decent grade, you can seriously tell when you're out there with the people who did better than you. Running left when everyone else is running right is sort of a bad idea in the middle of a bunch of gunfire."

"Yeah, but hopefully no one works to get a 'C' and they have enough sense to run with the herd and not keep going the wrong way when they've noticed their mistake. Common sense should make up for the academic slights in a fight."

"I suppose," Zell said with a tiny sigh. He had been studying for a couple hours and was starting to burn out. Leon noticed his defeated tone and looked to him.

"You alright?" he asked, raising a brow.

"Yeah, but my eyes are crossing and I'm not really absorbing anything anymore. Just sort of staring at the page and hoping it makes sense."

"Take a break. Come back to it in an hour."

"Okay," Zell agreed, leaning over and setting the open book on top of all the others. He stretched his arms over his head and bent backwards some to stretch his spine. Heaving a heavy sigh, the blonde crawled forward a few feet and flopped onto Leon's abdomen, forcing the Carrier to let out a grunt.

"Uh…" the brunette drawled stupidly.

"Shh, I'm taking a break," Zell said, draping his legs out behind him along the couch. Leon couldn't decide if he was okay with their new arrangement, but before he could voice any protest, the blonde picked his head up off his stomach and looked at him with a bit of concern in his eyes.

"What?" the brunette asked.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"…Yes? Why? Should I not?"

"You're really warm. Like… feverish sort of warm."

"Oh. No, that's just me. I'm fine."

"Okay. Just checking," Zell said, getting comfortable again. After a few moments of silence, Leon went back to his book and all was quiet again. Once the blonde was confident the brunette's mind was off of their new positioning, he decided to test the waters a little and smoothed a gloved hand over the inside of Leon's thigh. He could feel the tension run through the Carrier's muscles as he froze no doubt in surprise. The apprehension remained there for several moments as Leon debated if he was okay with it or not. Zell wasn't stopped immediately, so the blonde assumed all was well and continued forth. His hand made it to where Leon's leg met his pelvis and that was when the Carrier reached down and covered that hand with his own, stopping everything. The brunette's fingers were lightly trembling as his anxiety became overwhelming.

"Sorry," Zell immediately said, pulling back. The brunette didn't let go of his hand, but stayed quiet. Leon heaved a heavy sigh and laid his book on his face, closed his eyes, and tried to calm himself. He took a minute to remind himself that he wasn't being hurt, Zell wasn't going to force him, and that Cloud wasn't anywhere in sight so there was no reason to be afraid.

"It's okay. I'm okay," Leon blurted. Zell sat up and crawled forward so he was on all fours and hovering over the Carrier's face. The brunette peeked over the top of his book. "Hi," he mumbled into the pages.

"Hi," the cadet responded. He gave the other a sheepish smile. "Is it too soon? Should I not even try?"

Leon shrugged. "What's the difference if something happens now or two months from now? Nothing. It doesn't change what's already happened. If it somehow magically changed the past, then that'd be a different story."

"You're sure?" Zell asked. Leon nodded. The blonde pursed his lips in thought before scooting off the couch and standing. Taking the Carrier by the hand he pulled the brunette up to do the same and led him into the bedroom. The gravity of the situation and what he had agreed to hit Leon in the chest and his anxiety raised some. However, the darkness of his bedroom helped calm him. The moon was out and fairly bright, but it wasn't so bright that they could read by it. For Zell, it would be just enough light to see so he wouldn't poke Leon's eye out with anything, but for the Carrier, it didn't matter regardless. He could see just fine. Knowing that his partner wouldn't be able to see the imperfections on his body took away a few of the worries he had, and it was just enough for him to keep a level head so far.

After kicking off his shoes, Zell turned and smoothed his hands up Leon's chest and onto his shoulders. Pulling the Carrier down as he pushed himself up on his toes, their lips met unsteadily as the tension in Leon's shoulders threatened to rip him apart. There was so much fear involved that it felt like his heart was in a vice and was steadily being squeezed in on itself. Zell could feel the uneasiness and pulled back, searching the Carrier's face for any obvious emotion. Leon couldn't look at him. The blonde took his hand and led him to the bed to sit. The brunette followed and parked himself on the edge, focusing on the floor.

"Don't force yourself," Zell said, his tone quiet and careful. He folded his legs and watched Leon closely.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I'm impressed you let me get as far as I did. Sorry I'm pushing you too much."

Leon glanced at him. "It's not like I don't want to, I'm just…"

"Scared?"

"Yeah," the brunette agreed, letting out a dry laugh and flopping back on the bed, mashing the heels of his hands in his eyes. "I feel so stupid. I shouldn't be like this. It's not a big deal."

"Whoa whoa whoa _whoa_. Hold on there," Zell said, waving a hand. "It _is_ a big deal, dude. You went through some serious shit and you need time to heal. You can want whatever you want, but you're not going to be able to do anything until you feel safe again. It's okay to admit that. I've just never dealt with anything like this before so my half-brained ideas of trying to comfort you don't work very well. There's nothing you're doing wrong. Trust me."

Leon was quiet for several moments as he thought it over. Eventually he sat up and gave Zell a sheepish look. "Okay. But I still want to try. Just… not anymore today."

Zell grinned. "Deal."

* * *

The phrase 'friends with benefits' irked Seifer in a way he had never experienced before. It sounded like an okay deal in theory; all of the benefits of having a committed relationship without the commitment. However, it was all a myth. There were always strings attached and there was no doubt in Seifer's mind that, if allowed to go on long enough, Leon and Zell would end up in a proper relationship which put him out in the proverbial doghouse. He couldn't have that. It wasn't acceptable. In his mind, Leon didn't deserve Zell's benefits let alone any of Zell's commitment. He had had a lengthy discussion with Rinoa about it, and from what she told him, things were progressing quickly between them, and Seifer felt he needed to cause a bit of a rift to slow things down, if not sever it all completely. Talking to Zell hadn't helped bring them back together, so the acidic blonde's only other choice was action. That's where Cloud came in.

The unsuspecting pointy haired soldier was blindly following Seifer and Fujin through the halls of Balamb Garden, curiously looking the scenery over. The place was massive, extremely clean, and looked very expensive in his eyes. It gave him the same feeling that standing in Balamb's capital city did; like he was unfit to be there. However, with the Mako coursing through his veins, he cared less about his societal standing and was more concerned about how shiny everything looked. Additionally, he didn't really care why or where he was following Seifer. Similar to when he used to hang around Sephiroth, he was just going with the flow and not allowing his mind to overanalyze, though he probably should have been.

"I wonder when Raijin will be finished. He knows where to meet up, yeah?" Seifer asked, looking to Fujin. The snowy haired stoic woman nodded.

"Yes. Basement."

"Good."

Through the main thoroughfare and up the grand staircase, the trio stopped in front of the elevator and Seifer bashed the down arrow with the side of his fist. The school was mostly empty, as it was late and most everyone was sleeping or studying. This was fascinating to Cloud. Such a huge place should be bustling with people, in his opinion. The fact that it wasn't was somewhat unsettling. Perhaps more unsettling was the fact that Seifer and Fujin were very obviously armed. It took him several minutes to realize that the large aquamarine disc attached to Fujin's side was actually sharp like a blade and that underneath Seifer's long coat was a scabbard and its accompanying sword. Even with these revelations, the haziness of the Mako didn't allow him to be too concerned for his safety. The initial realization was the only time he felt any real danger and the feeling was fleeting.

The elevator ride down to the school's basement was quiet. The shifts in weight tossed Cloud's stomach around and made him feel queasy, but he held himself together well enough. He couldn't figure out for the life of him where they were going or why, but it didn't really matter enough for him to ask. Even if he was to get upset about it, he didn't see the point. He was alone regardless of what he did. Leon had abandoned him, he was hopelessly undereducated, and he couldn't even begin to understand how to get home again. At that point, he figured whatever happened was better than lying around in bed all day. Even if it meant he was heading to his death, he considered it an improvement. At least then the suffering would stop.

The Garden's basement looked like the innards of an industrial park. Huge generators, boilers, and water heaters took up most of the multileveled space, with winding staircases and catwalks leading every which way. In the middle of each level were a series of control panels that kept everything in check, but there were no maintenance workers to be seen; everyone had gone home for the evening. It was almost dungeon-like in appearance to Cloud. The lighting was poor, the air was stale, and it seemed hopelessly isolated. It wasn't completely closed off from the rest of the school, though. At the very least there were several telephone panels with buttons that could be linked to just about any department in the school, so no one was really very far from everyone else. However, that fact didn't settle Cloud's stomach any as he wasn't really aware of it.

"You're awfully quiet back there. Aren't you curious as to what we're doing?" Seifer asked, glancing over his shoulder at the blonde. Cloud raised a brow, the language barrier like a wall between them. Seifer smiled. "Don't look so confused. It's really not very smart of you to just follow me around like a lost puppy, but I suppose that's all you're good for, right? Following orders and being cannon fodder? By Midgar's standards, you must've been a real gem. Doing everything you're supposed to without any complaint. Where's the fun in that?"

"Pathetic," Fujin chimed with a nonchalant shrug. Seifer laughed, heading down a spiral staircase to the lowest level. The woman left them and stood watch at the top. Cloud hesitated a little when he realized she wasn't following, but continued anyway. Part of him knew he should've been more skeptical, but again, the logic was fleeting and he gave up trying to focus and think about it.

"I don't like you. I don't like what you do, where you've come from, and how you've probably lived your life. It's disgusting. You're disgusting," Seifer said calmly. Once off the staircase, he casually walked towards a series of pipes where there was a tiny table with a large roll of tape, a jar, padlocks, and a pile of thick chain. Cloud stopped some distance away, eyeing the scene warily. Seifer's smile split into a grin. "What's the matter? Not into kinky stuff? That's a shame."

"I don't trust you," Cloud said flatly.

"Still have no idea what you said, but it doesn't matter. We're best friends, remember? We're going to have lots of fun," the cadet said, drawing his rapier-like Gunblade from its sheath. Every synopsis in Cloud's brain fired at once, quickly assessing the situation. There weren't many ways he could go to get away, but he was more confident in his ability to overpower Fujin than trying to take Seifer on. As the menacing cadet strode towards him with no apparent hostility in his body language, Cloud scooted towards the staircase. "Where are you going? Don't you want to see what I have for you?" Seifer asked, sounding hurt.

Cloud took off for the staircase. Seifer made no effort to give chase, which was a blessing in his eyes. However, Fujin calmly made her way down the staircase as he came closer. She stood a few steps from the bottom and did something Cloud had never seen before. A thin iridescent green line traced itself around her feet and wispy streaks of the Lifestream slowly crawled up from her feet, following the line of her body. Purplish orbs were soon to follow as the energy built around her. As soon as Cloud noticed the phenomena, he stopped. Standing on the last few steps, he was immensely confused but made to shove past her. Once his foot landed on the next step up, Fujin quickly flicked her hand through the air and a gust of wind was quick to whip up. The force of the flurry was enough to make Cloud cry out as he was knocked back several feet off the staircase. He rolled a few times and eventually came to rest on his stomach, his entire body feeling like one giant bruise.

 _What the fuck was that? She doesn't have any Materia. This makes no sense,_ he thought to himself. Stiffly pushing himself up so he could try something else, he only got a couple inches off the floor before he felt something sharp and cold ghosting over the soft skin on his neck. He froze, bug eyed. Seifer's boots were the only things he could see and an overwhelming sense of powerlessness swept over him. Slowly looking up, he was greeted by a cocky smile and a mocking tone.

"Are you scared? Is this a new feeling for you? I bet it is. I imagine this is what people felt like before you murdered them. Raped them. Beat them. Am I right? Did you do those things? I'm sure you have. It's like a rite of passage where you're from. You're a puppet of the government, being controlled and made to batter its people, the helpless sheep, into submission. You're the worst kind of person; you really should be wiped from this planet for the sake of everyone else," Seifer explained. Cloud watched him, not understanding. The scope of his lack of comprehension went beyond the language barrier this time, and all he could think about is the why. Why was this happening? Why was he there? Why did Leon leave him to this fate? Did Leon put this together and convinced Seifer to teach him some sort of lesson? Was this Leon's plan all along? To take him from his home to torture and beat him? Why? For what purpose? There were too many questions and not enough time or sense to sort through them to find answers. Seifer let the tip of his blade drop to the floor as he squatted, looking the soldier in the eye. Cloud could feel the hate radiating off his skin.

"I don't understand why you're so important to him. There must be something, otherwise, why would he bring you here? Then again, maybe he got bored of you and left. I didn't see him visit you for a few days. He probably found an interest in something else, which is why I'm here. That something else is mine and he can't have it. I don't know how to switch his focus back to you peacefully, so I'm sorry to say, you're going to hate this. Actually, I'm not all that sorry. You deserve it." Grabbing a handful of Cloud's hair, the cadet wrenched him to his feet and started pulling him towards the table near the pipes. Cloud let out a yell and tried to squirm away, grabbing Seifer's wrist in a futile effort to hurt it somehow. All he got was a handful of fabric; the sleeve of the cadet's long coat.

Just as Cloud was starting to contemplate ripping his own scalp off to get away, Seifer let go of his hair and backhanded him across the face. Staggering, Cloud was too out of sorts to react before Seifer's fist collided with his solar plexus, causing him to double over as the air left his lungs. Letting the soldier drop to the floor, Seifer stepped to the table and took up the length of chain and the padlocks. He was quick to weave the metal around Cloud's wrists and pull the slack towards a pipe that was several feet off the ground. Tossing the excess over the pipe, the cadet pulled back and yanked Cloud to his feet again, forcing him to jog to keep up with the tension. Gasping for air, the soldier was hoisted up enough to keep his arms straight and most of his body suspended. He could've stood in place if he tried, but the disorientation wasn't giving him such a luxury. Seifer secured the end of the chain by locking it around another pipe.

"It's okay. I'm pretty sure you're not going to die. Once I'm done, I plan on hitting the emergency call button on one of the phones so someone can find you. I'm not a murderer like you. We're different." Seifer stepped to the table and opened the jar. Now that he was closer, Cloud could see that it was filled to the brim with Mako. Seifer glanced at him before going back and grabbing the back collar of his shirt and pulling downward. Choking, Cloud coughed as the fabric was pulled against his neck. However, it was quick to tear as the cadet ripped a large piece off for him to use. Dipping the fabric in the jar like a rag, he took the Mako and smeared it along the majority of the tip of his blade.

 _I'm going to die,_ was all Cloud could think as Seifer pushed him around so his back was visible and as accessible as possible. Pressing the tip of the blade into the soldier's skin, Seifer slowly dragged the metal down, slicing a clean line down and across Cloud's back. The pain didn't register right away, but the Mako on the blade burned into the wound, causing the blood and edges of the skin to bubble a little as it was exposed. Cloud screamed as white hot pain shot up his spine, forcing him to bow forward in a weak attempt to get farther away. Recoating the tip in Mako, Seifer started again, cutting across the first wound like an X. He did it so calmly, so nonchalantly, that it only added to the surreal horror of the moment for Cloud. Seifer wasn't saying anything. There were no more insults, no more accusations, just a quiet peacefulness; as if it was his right to be there.

Deciding that the blonde was making too much noise, the cadet stepped back to the table to retrieve the thick roll of tape. He tore off a piece and went in front of Cloud. He gave the soldier a smile as heavy panicked breaths squeaked out of Cloud's abused vocal cords. Seifer covered the other's mouth with tape, disregarding his breathing completely, and went back to the matter at hand. Cloud's blood dripping out of the open wounds was extremely fascinating to him. It wasn't normal. It was too thick, too dark, and moved like an ooze rather than a drip. He didn't take very long to think about it and pressed onward, slicing the helpless soldier's back to ribbons.

 _I knew I shouldn't have trusted him. So stupid,_ was Cloud's last thought as his consciousness started to fade.

* * *

"I never actually came out and said anything directly, but I think she knows," Zell said with a tiny shrug. He and Leon hadn't left the brunette's bedroom and had taken to starting idle chit chat about anything they could come up with. The current topic was whether or not Zell had talked to his mother about being gay. "I mean, I never had a girlfriend, had lots of guy friends, and I always get angry whenever someone gay bashes. She says she wants grandkids but doesn't care where they come from, so she obviously acknowledges that they might not be genetically related."

"Well, so long as she's okay with it, I wouldn't worry too much," Leon said.

"I don't. My only concern is not lasting long enough to give them to her."

"Yeah… I can see why that would be more upsetting than having an adopted grandchild."

"What about you? Did your mom ever have an opinion on them?"

Leon shrugged. "I don't know. Never met her. Didn't know my dad, either."

"Oh, right. Sorry, I remember you telling me that now. Who raised you?"

There was a long hesitation as the Carrier tried to figure out an answer that made sense. "Mostly my cousins, I guess. Distant relatives. I don't really know their direct relation to me, but I know they were in some way. After a certain point, I mostly raised myself."

"Huh. Interesting," Zell said. He was tempted to go on to say 'well that explains a lot,' but felt it was a little rude. The conversation ground to a halt after that point and a comfortable silence fell between them. Eventually, the blonde sighed and stretched. "I should probably go back to my room and try to sleep. I have class in the morning."

"Ah. Alright," Leon said, shuffling off the bed and standing. Zell sat on the edge and pulled on his shoes and followed the Carrier to the couch where he gathered up his books with a huff. He really didn't want to leave. They had been talking so freely he felt like he was getting somewhere. Leon didn't want him to leave either, but responsibilities were more important than his social life in the end.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" the blonde asked. Leon nodded and walked him to the door. Zell backed out with a sheepish expression, like he wanted to say something more but couldn't put the words together. "Okay…well, bye," he blurted awkwardly and gave the Carrier a lopsided smile.

"Bye," Leon said with a tiny wave. The door slid closed as Zell left and the brunette heaved a heavy sigh, the emptiness of his dorm creeping in. After picking up his books and stacking them neatly on the table, he went to sit in his bedroom to think. There was too much to sort through. He knew he was going to regret getting closer to Zell in the end, but he couldn't help himself. Spending the rest of his time there alone, as if he was back in his prison cell, was a nightmare in of itself. His emotional stability was anything but stable and he craved for someone to just sit around with him and make him feel like he was worth something. Just acknowledging his off kilter psyche was enough to make his chest hurt and give him a sense of hopelessness. Cloud hadn't given him any indication that he gave a damn about being left alone, which didn't help matters.

The Carrier stewed in his depressing thoughts for several minutes before deciding he needed to check on Cloud. He went to his desk where Reno's backpack was and dug around inside to pull out his computer. He hadn't touched the device since coming back to school, and he wondered if his water logged camera bugs had dried out to some sense of usability or if they were all destroyed. After picking through the little box they were kept in and shaking a few to see if they would work, the best he could get was a bug that moved at half the speed with a faded picture. Figuring it would have to do, he sent the tiny device to go find his Charge and was very surprised when it went in the complete opposite direction of the Infirmary. Confused, he wondered if the bug's internal compass was skewed.

It flew down an emergency staircase at a gimpy speed, crawled under a heavy metal door, and into a dim and dank space in the bowels of the Garden. Leon could barely see a figure standing around by what appeared to be another staircase, and it took a few moments of adjustment before he could bring it into focus enough to see Fujin's blank expression. She turned around and headed down the staircase, and when Leon couldn't hear her footfalls, he started to mess with the audio. Static and crackling echoed into his bedroom, and he scowled at the screen as the picture flickered a few times. Through the blinking and the disturbances, he heard a muffled _whoosh_ like a strong wind before hearing Cloud yell and a loud _thud_ shortly thereafter. His blood ran cold, and he didn't hesitate to toss the computer aside and take off for his door.

He had no idea what to expect or who, aside from Fujin, to be angry at. All he knew was that his Charge was somewhere under the school being hurt in some way and that it wasn't okay. Running through the halls as fast as he could, he zoomed past Zell who was about to head down his own hallway. The blonde called after him, but Leon couldn't stop to acknowledge him and kept running. He nearly skid past the emergency staircase door but managed to not fall on his face when he turned for it just in time. Galloping down the stairs, it wasn't long before another set of footsteps sounded along with his but not as fast. Zell was following him, which he was silently thankful for. Reaching the bottom of the staircase took much longer than Leon would've liked, and he threw open the heavy metal door as if it was made of paper and stepped inside.

Immediately disoriented, he had no idea which way to go. The camera bug was able to fly straight down without damage, but the Carrier couldn't figure out which way a staircase was to do the same. A scream shattered the silence in the basement and the sound hit the Carrier in the chest, making panic to seep into his veins. Zell managed to catch up with him as he stood there, trying to see somewhere to go.

"What's happening?" the blonde asked, sounding out of breath.

"Cloud's down here somewhere," Leon said. Another scream followed, but the volume wasn't nearly as piercing. The sound was below them, and the Carrier bent over the catwalk's side railing to see how far of a drop it was. A laugh, Seifer's laugh, filtered through the space. It sounded so distant.

"He already passed out. What happened to the Midgar super soldiers? This is just sad," Seifer said with obvious amusement in his voice.

"Hearsay," Fujin said.

"Must be. Must be. Oh well. I'm having too much fun with him to stop now."

"Kill?"

"If he dies, he dies. Whatever. It's not like he matters any. It'd be a mercy killing at this point. He was already half dead when we got him."

"Turn?"

"Yeah sure, have a go."

"Leon…?" Zell asked, peering over at the Carrier's face. The brunette had completely shut down as an unspeakable amount of rage crawled in and blew away any other emotion Leon had been feeling before that moment. His hands were gripping the railing so tightly, the metal was starting to bow inward under his fingertips. Without saying anything, he pulled himself up and over the railing and dropped to the catwalk beneath them. Zell yelled for him to wait, but Leon didn't hear him. Seifer and Fujin were right below him and the Carrier caught sight of them just as Fujin sliced her hand through the air again, forcing another gust of wind to sweep through the space. She was aiming for Cloud's back, which took the brunt of the force. The skin split in hundreds of different places, some deeper than others, but it only added to the bloodied mess that was already there. The _thud_ of Zell landing on the catwalk startled both Seifer and Fujin and they looked up to see them both start running down the spiral staircase to the bottom level.

"Shit! You're not supposed to be here!" Seifer barked, pointing at Zell as he quickly dropped the jar of Mako and bolted in the opposite direction. Fujin was quick to follow him. Towards the back of the basement was a lift that rose into the garage, and they were heading straight for it.

"No no no no," Leon mumbled to himself as he went to Cloud. Zell ran past him to chase down Seifer and Fujin but the Carrier stopped him. "Wait! Forget about them. Call for help," the brunette said, pressing his fingers into the soft flesh under Cloud's jaw to feel for a pulse. It was there, but faint, and the Carrier pulled the tape off his Charge's mouth to pick his face up. Unconscious, Cloud didn't react and hung there limply. Leon peeled an eye open and saw the faint glow in the blonde's irises, which was all the explanation he needed for how Cloud got down there without anyone thinking it was strange. The Carrier didn't want to believe the people at the Garden were heartless enough to ignore Siefer carrying Cloud like a sack of potatoes slung over his shoulder. It was admittedly less weird to see Cloud walking around like a normal person.

"I can break this. Hang on," Zell interjected, flicking the padlock holding the chains around Cloud's wrist. Hooking his fingers around the two end links, the blonde pulled in either direction. The ground under his feet emanated a soft greenish glow as he pulled energy directly from the Lifestream to help him. Every muscle in his upper body flexed, and the metal easily bowed and pulled apart from the force. It snapped in a few seconds and the chain quickly unwound itself, letting Cloud fall forward right into Leon's arms. The Carrier was stunned by the strength, but the thought was fleeting as he remembered the matter at hand. Zell left him to go to a phone and call for help.

"Cloud?" the brunette asked, sitting on the floor and pulling his Charge closer. He tried his hardest to ignore his Charge's injuries, but it was all he could see. Resting his cheek against the top of the blonde's head, he could feel the warmth of unshed tears burn the backs of his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he muttered quietly, hoping Cloud could hear him. Against his better judgment, he tried to pull the blonde a little closer, and his fingers ended up landing in a streak of blood. He froze and pulled his hand up to look at it, not because it was a shock to have it on his skin, but because the texture was abnormal.

 _It's… gritty,_ he thought to himself, rubbing the moisture between his fingertips. It felt as if someone had taken a cup of water and mixed a spoonful of sand into it. It wasn't yet sludgy, but it was definitely not right. Seeing the jar of Mako that Seifer had dropped, the Carrier's curious mind wouldn't let him ignore it. Gently settling Cloud on the floor, he scooted the few feet to the jar and stuck his fingers in it. It was warm and felt the same as Cloud's blood, only much much thicker. Wiping his eyes dry with his clean hand, a lot of pieces of the puzzle started to click together for him and he wondered to what extent the damage was lurking under his Charge's battered skin. He went back and scooped Cloud up again, wiping his fingers on what was left of the blonde's shirt.

"Dr. Kadowaki is on the way," Zell said, sitting on the floor next to them. He took note of the brunette's puffy eyes and frowned. "He's going to be okay."

"No. He's not," Leon said quietly, settling his chin on Cloud's shoulder.


	51. Chapter 51

**Chapter 51**

Leon felt like he was standing in a vacuum tube looking out through a pane of glass and was only able to see Cloud and an excess of blood. He couldn't hear anything, didn't notice anyone else, and it felt like there were fifty tons of weight on his shoulders. He should've been reassured that Dr. Kadowaki and her team of nurses were quick to respond to Zell's call, but he wasn't. If he were rational, he could see that the situation wasn't his fault. Even if he wasn't ignoring Cloud at the moment, the blonde was supposed to be asleep at that time of night and Leon would've been in his dorm anyway. But in his panic, he didn't see it that way. He had ignored Cloud and bad things happened to him. He hadn't been there to protect him like he was supposed to, and therefore it was his fault. The amount of guilt he had piling up was immense, and there was no foreseeable way out of it.

When Cloud was removed from his arms and carted away on a gurney in a rush of activity, the Carrier was left standing there staring at the group as they hurried farther away from him. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, couldn't think, and he couldn't tell if he was breathing or not. Zell was still with him, though, and tried to talk to him. Leon was vaguely aware that his friend was there, but he didn't respond to anything he said and just stared past him.

"Leon. Hey! Come on!" Zell said, snapping his fingers in front of the brunette's face. After a few more minutes of prodding, the Carrier startled a little and looked at him. The blonde frowned. "Are we going to follow them or just stand here?"

"Right. Sorry," Leon deadpanned, taking one last look around before following the gurney towards the lift into the garage.

There was a cacophony of noise in the Infirmary as Dr. Kadowaki barked out orders to her nurses as they scattered around pushing carts and gathering supplies. Leon and Zell made it to the clinic just as the doors to the largest exam room were closed and the activity therein was concealed. There were no windows on the doors, and when Leon tried to pull them open to see inside, they were locked. He pressed his ear up against the cold metal and listened as the good doctor ordered her nurses to start a transfusion and prep everything to get Cloud cleaned up.

"What's going on?" Reno sleepily asked from Rude's doorway. Leon and Zell looked to him.

"Cloud was hurt," the brunette said flatly. Reno furrowed his brows.

"Just now? I didn't hear anything."

"He was taken out of here and then hurt," Leon explained, pulling away from the door. He sullenly made his way to a chair and sat heavily. "And I wasn't here to stop it."

"Again, I didn't hear anything. I mean, I was asleep, but I'm not that heavy of a sleeper," Reno said. Running a hand through his tousled hair, he went to take a seat next to the other Carrier. "How bad is it?"

"Bad."

"Maybe Quistis can help," Zell said.

"Maybe," the brunette agreed.

"I'll be back. I'm going to go get her," the blonde volunteered before leaving quickly. Reno watched him leave with a raised brow before looking to Leon who was staring down at his hands. They were stained a light rust color from dried blood. Similarly, his pant legs were spattered with red in various places. He sighed and folded his arms on his knees and rested his forehead on them.

"I'm having a hard time doing things correctly," the brunette mumbled.

"You can't blame yourself for this. It was my idea for you to stay away, anyway. I'm sorry," Reno said, rubbing Leon's back between his shoulder blades.

"I need to think for myself more often."

"Possibly."

"The only problem with that is, I have no idea how to handle him. He doesn't like me and resists just about everything. He's childish, but with good reason, so it's not like I can really get angry at him for it," Leon sighed, sitting up again. He rubbed an eye with the back of his hand. "I can't think at the moment. Too much is happening and I don't know enough to comprehend it all."

"Squall?" came concerned voice from the Infirmary entrance. Both Carriers looked to the doors just as Rinoa made her way in, dressed in her pajamas. "I heard what happened," she said, strolling over to stand next to the brunette.

"How? We just got here five minutes ago," Leon said, with obvious skepticism in his voice. _Go away. You're the last person I want to see right now,_ he thought.

"Seifer told me."

Leon was on his feet in an instant, glaring down at the girl with all of the world's hatred burning through his eyes. "You saw him? Where?" he barked. She put up her hands defensively.

"Relax. He's gone."

"Where?"

"He left?"

"Where did he go?"

"I have no idea. After he talked to me, he just left. I didn't keep him around to interrogate him. I could hardly believe what he was telling me," she said innocently. Stepping forward, she slid her arms around his torso and pressed herself up against his chest. Immediately, the Carrier took her shoulder and nudged her back. His skin suddenly felt like it was going to peel from his body and crawl away. She pouted and looked up at him.

"Don't touch me," he said flatly. Rinoa randomly showing up seemed too precisely timed for his tastes. That, coupled with the fact that she had spoken to Seifer, someone she supposedly hated, Didn't help her case. Something wasn't right, and it radiated out of her faux innocence like a thick musk.

"I just wanted to try and comfort you. You're upset," Rinoa said.

"No. Really? I'm upset?" Leon mocked with a snort of disbelief.

"Don't be like that. I don't see anyone else trying to do it."

"Well! I guess I'm just invisible, aren't I?" Reno interjected from his seat, his arms crossed over his chest. The girl raised a brow at him before looking to Leon again.

"Comfort from a man and comfort from a woman are two different kinds of comforts. Women are just better at it. End of story," she said haughtily. "Don't you agree?"

"Nope," Leon said flatly.

"Well I noticed Zell heading in the other direction when I was on my way here. Just because you have one male friend that sticks around for you, doesn't mean all of them will. Just let me help you," she insisted, moving in for another hug. The Carrier put his hands on her shoulders and turned her around and nudged her towards the door.

"Uh uh, I see where this is going. Not happening. You can leave now," he said, keeping his anger and annoyance in check. What he really wanted to do was pick her up and hurl her out into the hallway, but he figured there were more civil ways he should probably try first.

"No, I'm not leaving. You need me," she said, trying to turn around again.

"Nope," Leon said, pushing her towards the door. She resisted, of course, but she couldn't match his strength. When they were close enough, the Carrier opened the doors and shoved her through them. She let out a yelp and staggered forward, but regained her footing just in time to turn around and see the doors close behind her. Leon held them closed as she tried to push them back open and eventually ended up sitting on the floor with his back against them; acting as a doorstop.

Reno giggled. "You're so popular. Between me and Rude, Zell, and her, you have an entire friend square to keep up with. How are you ever going to make time for everyone?"

"Shut up. She isn't my friend," Leon said, sending the redhead a glare.

"Okay fine. Friend triangle. Still not a circle, but I'll take it."

Leon heaved a heavy sigh and pulled his legs to his chest and rested his face on his knees. "I'm too exhausted for this. I just…"

"Come on," Reno said, standing and going to offer his hand to the brunette. Leon allowed himself to be pulled to his feet and followed his friend into Rude's bedroom where the Charge was sitting up looking half-asleep but considerably better than the last time Leon saw him. They exchanged halfhearted waves of acknowledgement as Reno headed for the bathroom with the brunette in tow. "Get cleaned up. I'll be right back," he said, heading out into the room again to retrieve a pair of loose fitting pants and a clean t-shirt. Tossing them in the bathroom with Leon, he closed the door and went to sit on his bed.

"What happened?" Rude asked tiredly.

"Cloud was hurt somehow. Did you hear anything?"

"Not like that. I heard someone fucking somewhere, though," the Charge said, rubbing an eye. Reno raised a brow.

"Really? Where the hell was I?"

"Asleep. It wasn't very loud. I just happened to wake up for a bit. It was one of the nurses, I think."

"Well I should _hope_ so. I'd be thoroughly grossed out if it was the doctor lady. I'd seriously reconsider staying here if that's her idea of proper clinic conduct. Eugh," the redhead said with a shiver.

"Middle aged women are allowed to have sex, too," Rude said with a bit of a rasp before descending into a coughing fit. Reno frowned.

"Yeah. They are, but not in the middle of a medical facility. I can blame the nurse's age for her stupidity easily enough, but not the doctor's."

In the bathroom, Leon was having a bit of a crisis. Once the change of clothes had landed at his feet and he was alone, the gravity of the situation smacked into him full force. His Charge was dying, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. To make things worse, it was his fault. There was a light tremor that wiggled its way through all of his muscles until his entire body was trembling with overwhelming fear. He held onto the rim of the sink to keep his balance as the shaking threatened to make him fall. After a moment, he slowly lowered himself to the floor. As soon as his knees met the tile, he covered his face in his hands as a quiet sob shuddered from him.

His breakdown didn't last very long, and after several minutes of nearly silent hysterics, he was able to stand and get cleaned up properly. The trembling hadn't stopped and it made the simple tasks somewhat difficult, but he was eventually able to get changed and step back into Rude's bedroom. Reno was on his bed and gave the brunette a worried once-over. Leon looked much more beleaguered than he had fifteen minutes ago. His friend didn't say much and made his way to the side of the redhead's bed. Leon lifted the covers and yanked them out from under Reno, forcing the redhead to roll away. The brunette flopped onto the mattress and reached out. He hooked and arm around Reno's waist and pulled him across the bed again, imposing himself on his friend and moving them around so he could lay between Reno's legs and use his stomach as a pillow. His arms wove around the other's midsection as he hung onto the redhead's warmth as if his life depended on it.

"You could've just asked, you know. You didn't need to manhandle me," Reno said with a bit of strain, shifting himself around enough to get comfortable. He settled back against the pillows with a huff. It took him a moment, but he was ultimately able to feel Leon's light shaking and immediately understood the abrupt cuddle. He glanced at Rude who looked understandably confused. Reno gave him a soft reassuring smile before returning his attention back to Leon. He ran his fingers through the brunette's hair. Leon didn't say anything. He was afraid to speak since he was sure he would simply break apart if he tried. The rhythmic petting was enough to lull his foggy mind some and he eventually calmed enough to close his eyes.

Not too long after Leon started to calm down, Zell returned with Quistis in tow. The instructor immediately made her way to the exam room door and was invited inside by Dr. Kadowaki. There was nothing for anyone else to do, so Zell went to find his Carrier friend. It was unsettling to find Leon getting somewhat motherly comfort from Reno, mostly because he never thought the brunette was much of a cuddler. Zell didn't say anything as he entered and made his way to sit on the edge of the bed. Reno gave him a lopsided half-smile but didn't make a move to do much else. Leon was turned away from the door and Zell invited himself to sit and place a hand on the brunette's back to rub him comfortingly. The Carrier heaved a heavy sigh but didn't make an effort to stop either of them.

* * *

After a while, Leon was able to drift off into a light snooze. Zell moved off the bed to an armchair to do the same. Reno was left holding the proverbial bags as he uncomfortably sat under Leon's weight and couldn't do anything. He didn't have the heart to shove the brunette off of him so he supposed it was his own fault. However, his attention was pulled away from how he couldn't feel his legs when Quistis peeked into the room looking for Leon.

"Should I come back?" she asked quietly. Reno shook his head and started prodding at Leon's face until he started to wake up. The brunette smacked his hand away.

"Stop molesting me," he said with a grumble.

"You need to get up and pay attention. There are important things happening. And also, I'd like to confirm that my legs are still alive, please," Reno said, stuffing his hands under Leon's armpits and lifting. Unimpressed, the brunette let himself become dead weight in Reno's hands, all while giving the redhead a glare. Reno snorted back a laugh. "I'm sorry to say your 'I'm going to stab you in the balls' face is actually pretty cute. It doesn't really help you."

"Shut up," Leon spat, pulling away from his friend. Once sitting up, he gave the grinning redhead a shove back into the pillows.

Quistis cleared her throat. "Squall," she said. Leon's attention snapped to the door and he threw himself out of the bed to go to her.

"How is he?" he asked anxiously.

"Come with me."

The first thing Leon noticed when they stepped into Cloud's room was the overwhelming smell of blood. It made his stomach churn and allowed some of the panic to creep back in to his muscles. His Charge was laying face down on a bed that made it feel like there was a gaping hole in the middle of the Carrier's chest. It was an autopsy table. However, it was a little different. Cloud's back was covered by a white cube-like tent that stood on the edges of the table and hung a couple inches above his skin with a zipper down the middle of it. Only his head, forearms, and calves could be seen hanging out from under the fabric. He also had a pillow under his face, which helped Leon cope with the idea that his Charge wasn't on the table because he was dead. Dead people don't care about pillows. It took him several brief moments to realize there was a breathing tube in place and the blonde had been hooked up to a series of monitors, which was also morbidly reassuring.

"Did he wake up at all?" Leon asked, looking to Quistis. She shrugged.

"I honestly don't know. He was already on the table and somewhat cleaned up by the time I got here. I wasn't able to do much for him, I'm afraid. I can show you," she said. Leon nodded, though he wasn't sure he really wanted to see the damage. The woman made her way to the side of the table and gently pulled the tent's zipper down and opened the flaps of fabric. Cloud had been cleaned up to a certain degree, but his back was still covered in heinous wounds that looked like Dr. Kadowaki hadn't even attempted to close. The skin between them was mostly clean and the smaller cuts had been healed, but Cloud was still bleeding and was obviously still in a bad way. Panic was replaced by anger as the Carrier took it all in.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people? Why isn't he closed up? You're just going to let him lie there and bleed out?" the brunette barked. Quistis put her hands up defensively.

"Calm down. This is actually a good thing."

"How can I calm down? He's dying! It may be good for you and whatever agenda you have, but for me, this is sort of bad," Leon said, running his fingers through his hair as he looked around. His mind was racing through a checklist of things he needed to find before he could start closing his Charge up himself. Quistis put her hands on his shoulders.

"Listen to me. It's okay. We have it under control. Come here," she insisted, pulling the Carrier by his shirt sleeve to take a closer look.

"I don't want to," Leon said meekly. Despite the protests, he followed the woman and leaned over with her. The threat of tears was looming just behind his shoulder as she pointed along the edge of one of Cloud's wounds. The skin was singed and blackened.

"That is what is stopping me from healing him completely, but it's okay. It's actually better this way," Quistis explained.

"I don't understand."

"This black stuff is caused by Mako burns. Zell explained to me what happened, and whatever Seifer used to cut him with was probably covered in Mako. When it's mixed with blood, it actually causes friction against our blood cells and generates heat. When it comes in contact with the open air, it only makes things worse. Generally, when people use Mako, they feel very warm; it's the same idea, only lessened because it's self-contained and inside the body versus exposed to air," she explained further. She stood straight and crossed her arms over her chest.

"But you can't heal it?"

"No, because it's creating a barrier that's keeping the skin from coming together and healing closed. To Eden, it's the same as any internal damage he may have suffered from Mako abuse. But, like I said, it's okay. This is actually a good opportunity for us to help him."

"I still don't understand," Leon said with a sigh. He went to the far side of the room and pulled a chair across the floor. Sitting at the head of the table, he looked his Charge's face over with obvious broken heartedness.

"There's a lot of stuff happening inside him at the moment, the most prevalent of which are the toxins floating around in his bloodstream. Detoxing from Mako essentially means that we let his body naturally filter out and remove whatever isn't right, yeah? Well, we have an alternative here. There is an opportunity to essentially negate that entire process, but it requires a bit of time and a lot of resources. We need to bleed him out and replace his fluids. It would take him weeks to do this by himself, and that's only if his kidneys and liver haven't been too damaged and can keep up. The probability of that happening completely without some sort of replacement of internal organs is very slim, I'll be honest with you. However, in order to get everything out of him, we would have to do a complete transfusion, and a lot of the times that either requires an injury or something where we have to replace what is lost very quickly, or we slowly remove some and slowly put new blood in. The latter generally takes just as long as a normal detox so it's sort of a waste in the long run. Since we're keeping his wounds open, we have the option of doing the first process."

"This is still too dangerous for my tastes. We shouldn't even be in here right now; he's going to get infected with something. It's not sterile," Leon said.

"Infections we can deal with, don't worry about that," Quistis said, walking around to the opposite side of the table. She picked up a dark silicone tube, one end of which disappeared under the cube-like tent near Cloud's hips. "This is his bloodline. He's on blood thinners at the moment to hopefully keep him bleeding and to get the viscosity of his fluids to drop some so we can get this done quickly," she said, letting the line hang again. "It won't fix him, but it'll help his recovery substantially. We need your help, though. We only have so much blood available to us, and your charts say you're a universal donor. If you want to see this process through to the end, we need you to help."

"Yes. Of course. Reno and Rude are the same type as I am. So is Cloud, actually," Leon said, reaching up to gently push a piece of blonde hair off his Charge's brow.

"That's… oddly convenient," Quistis said with a suspicious look.

"It's purposeful. Don't worry about it," the brunette said. All Charges and Carriers share the same blood type specifically for emergencies. Some people theorize that the shortage of universal blood donors and receivers on other planes is caused by the Technicians and Carriers pulling those specific citizens out of society to take them home for their projects.

"Okay… well, I just wanted to let you know where we were with this. We don't need you just yet, but we probably will soon. This process only moves as quickly as he bleeds. He's hooked up to a monitor that regulates the blood flow going in depending on what his blood pressure is so he isn't overloaded or losing too much. An excess of blood could do some serious damage to his heart, which doesn't sound all that great to begin with," Quistis said.

"I know," the Carrier agreed. He was beginning to wonder how many of Cloud's organs would need to be replaced when they finally returned home together. Like Zach's liver, any replacements would be made of artificial materials, but would last ten times longer than organic ones. Perhaps it was for the best in the long run. However, he wouldn't be able to figure out how everything was until they got home. He could only hope that Cloud lasted that long.

"That's all I have for you. Get some sleep. I'll let you know when we need you," Quistis said, stepping to the Carrier's side and rubbing his back reassuringly.

"What's going to happen to Seifer?" Leon asked as he stood. He couldn't help but stare at Cloud's open wounds and the trickles of blood that dripped down his sides and into the open drains of the autopsy table. The setting suddenly made much more sense now that he understood what was happening. Quistis moved to close the zipper on the tent again.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to Headmaster Cid yet. Seifer's father is a very well decorated General and is really the only reason Seifer is still here. In reality, he should've been expelled a over year ago. Seifer's never been a model student, but his behavior has been out of control the last few months. I'm not sure what's going on with him, but his sadistic methods of… whatever he was hoping to accomplish is really not something we condone. Because we're technically responsible for him, we're going to do all we can to make it up to you, but I can't say he's going to go anywhere. I wish I knew more. I'm sorry," she said, turning to the brunette with apologetic eyes.

"It's not your fault."

"I still feel like I should apologize. You've been through so much. I don't think I've ever seen you smile. Have you _ever_ had a good day since you've come to live here? It makes me wonder if it's even worth having you stay with us. Maybe going home to Esthar would be better."

"I haven't decided if I should stay or leave. It depends on how Cloud is doing at this point. If he gets better enough to where I can move him without causing more problems, then I'll probably leave. Until that point, I'll earn my keep," Leon said with a shrug. "And… I think I've had a couple of decent days. Don't worry too much."

"You're sure?" the woman asked with blatant skepticism in her voice.

"Yeah. I'll be fine. Thank you for doing what you can. I'm going to go back to my room or something, now."

"Okay. Goodnight Squall."

"Goodnight."

Numbness was all Leon could feel as he left Cloud's room. Part of him wanted to stay behind and glue himself to his Charge's side, but he needed to get away from the smell of blood and burnt skin. The good that was coming out of the situation was heavily overshadowed by the bad, and when he tried to think about the details, his brain turned to mush. All he could do was attempt to trust Quistis. He had a problem with trust, and putting Cloud's livelihood in someone else's hands was very difficult for him. He decided to just not think about it. Letting the numbness overtake his thoughts and emotions, he wandered back into Reno's room, bid his farewells with minimal explanation, picked up his clothes, and went back to his dorm. The brunette's clipped departure didn't sit well with the redhead, but he didn't say anything and left Leon alone. When Zell got up and tried to follow after him, Reno called him back and told him to do the same.

* * *

For two days Leon sat in his room attempting to recollect his broken mentality. The pieces were scattered at his feet and his deadened fingertips couldn't seem to put them back together very well. Reno, Zell, and Quistis tried to visit him and comfort him, but he politely turned them away. He only left his room to eat, but even then, the effort was slight. He spent most of his time watching pieces of Cloud's childhood again, attempting to erase the last couple years of his Charge's life from his memory and replace it with a picture that made him smile a little more. Fat roly-poly baby Cloud was still his favorite, though young adolescent Cloud was slowly catching up simply because he was stupidly sweet.

Eventually, he was forced to think when Quistis came to get him for a blood donation. He followed her listlessly, looking at nothing in particular. They hardly talked as she hooked him up to a bag and gave him a little ball to squeeze to keep the blood moving. Once he was finished, he opted to stay in the room with Cloud. Quistis went to retrieve Reno to ask for a donation as well. Rude was still too sick to give anything, though he was willing to.

"You look… not very awake," Reno said as he came into the room and looked Leon over.

"I don't feel very awake," the brunette admitted.

"Are you going to become a hermit again after this?"

"I wasn't trying to be. I just needed everything to stop for a couple days. I'm sorry I neglected you, dear," Leon said flatly. Reno laughed.

"Do you feel better?"

"Somewhat."

"Good," the redhead said as he took his seat. His donation was over quickly and Quistis left them alone shortly after she put the blood bags in storage. Once she was gone, Reno sat up and gave his friend a serious face. "You're sure you're doing better?"

"For now, yes," Leon said as he kept his eyes on Cloud's face.

"For now?"

"I can't afford to let myself think that everything is okay. What Quistis said makes sense. His blood is contaminated, it's causing other problems, so we flush out the bad blood and give him new blood. That's all well and good, but what does that leave behind? What other damage will pop up when it's over with? I'm not confident that they have the resources here to fix everything. Things are better than they were a couple days ago, but it's still not good enough," Leon said with a sigh. "When he's healed and able to walk on his own and be normal again, that's when I'll stop worrying."

"That's going to be a while, yet."

"I know. I'm not looking forward to it."

"Well, for now, I'd like you to try and focus on the positives. Constantly worrying may be the natural thing to do but you're killing yourself slowly by letting it get to you so much. It's not a hopeless situation, Leon. In fact, there are more things that can go right now that he's here and getting better," Reno said as he stood and went to the side of Cloud's makeshift bed. Leon didn't have a response and wasn't willing to openly admit that the redhead was right. With a curious face, Reno carefully unzipped the cloth of the cube-like tent that hovered over Cloud's skin. He raised a brow and scrunched up his face disdainfully.

"What?" Leon asked.

"I haven't looked at it before now. God, that's a lot of damage."

"Thank you. I know," the brunette grumbled, slouching in his seat.

"Are they purposefully keeping him open?"

"Yeah. He isn't healing very fast, but they're keeping him from clotting and the wounds from closing. He'll have to heal on his own eventually. They can't do it for him like they normally would."

"That's going to be some badass scarring," Reno said.

"I doubt he'll notice, honestly. It's behind him, unlike mine," Leon said, pulling up the hem of his shirt and glancing at the marred skin on his stomach.

"The one on your face healed up okay, though. I don't notice it anymore."

"I do."

"Well you can rest assured you're still cute as a button. No worries," Reno said with a wide smile. Leon scowled at him and smoothed his shirt down again. Reno leaned over Cloud's back with a scrutinizing face as he looked over the damage. He scanned the skin carefully, but stopped at the blonde's lower back and furrowed his brows as he tilted his head to the side and looked past the perimeter of the cloth opening. "Holy shit," he said.

"What is it?" Leon asked, standing quickly. His fingers began to twitch with anxious worry; he was thinking Reno found something else that was wrong.

"Have you looked at his ass? Seriously," Reno asked, standing straight again. He went to the end of the table and took the excess fabric off Cloud's legs and lifted so he could see under it. " _Damn_ ," he said.

"What?" Leon asked again, thoroughly confused. He went to Reno's side and glanced under the fabric. Cloud's ass looked like an ass. Nothing special. "What's wrong with it?"

"What's wrong here is that I never noticed how nice it is. He never really wore any pants that showed it off. That's a crime against humanity," Reno said. Leon smacked the fabric out of his hands and shoved him away.

"Fucking hell, Reno. Go creep on your own Charge," he sputtered. Reno grinned.

"But your Charge is the one with the shapely lady butt. Rude has a nice ass, but it's a man ass. It doesn't jiggle very much, but I bet Cloud's does. When we get home, you need to get that boy some nice pants that fit him right. _Everyone_ will be gay for him. They'll all be jealous of you."

Leon ran a hand over his face. "Oh my _god_ , Reno. Go _away_."

"You can't tell me you never noticed. I've never seen him naked so at least I have an excuse."

"No. I never noticed. But now I can't unsee it."

"Hah! Good. This is good," Reno said, rubbing his hands together.

"No it isn't! Go away!"

"To be honest, I don't like him, but I'd fuck him. I'll be damned if I let him come at me with that support beam of a dick, but if it's the other way around, I'd totally be all over that."

"I'm going to kill you," Leon said, taking a few steps towards his friend. Reno laughed and took a few steps back.

"You know who else has a fat ass? Zell. The backs of their heads look very similar, too. It'd be really easy to do either one of them and fantasize about the other."

"Why the _fuck_ do you think about this shit?"

"Why don't _you_? That's a better question. I'm perfectly okay with my sexual self. You, on the other hand, I wouldn't be surprised if you jerked off and you suddenly flooded your bedroom with all the reserves you have built up. You're such a prude," Reno said simply with a dismissive wave of his hand.

Leon had had enough and lunged at his friend with his arms outstretched, reaching for his throat. Reno laughed and jumped back and strafed to the side. The brunette was quick to react, though, and tackled into the redhead shoulder first. Reno let out a loud grunt as the wind was knocked from his lungs and they both toppled to the floor, knocking over a supply cart in the process. Leon pushed himself up on all fours, hovering above the redhead with a vicious sneer marring his face. He laid a hand over Reno's throat and squeezed just enough to get his point across. The redhead looked up at him with wide eyes and gasped a little through a pinched windpipe.

"I'm tired of your shit. Shut the fuck up, or I will cut you into steaks and eat you. Understand?" the brunette spat. Reno nodded some and Leon let him go.

"I was trying to ruffle your feathers, not force you off the deep end. Jeeze," the redhead said, sitting up. He rubbed his neck lightly with a frown. Leon sat next to him with his head in his hands.

"I know," he said tiredly.

"Then why'd you flip out? You could've seriously hurt me, asshole."

"Because…" the brunette trailed with a sigh. He took a second to collect his thoughts before trying to speak again. He mashed the heels of his hands in his eyes ad rubbed. "Because Zell has been trying to get me to sleep with him and I'm not necessarily against it, but I can't get that comfortable yet. You just made it a hundred times worse now that I know about shit I didn't even think about before."

"Oh," Reno deadpanned. "Well damn, you could've said something. I knew you guys were buds and whatever but I didn't know it was _that_ involved. Actually, I had a feeling he watched you a little too closely but I didn't get any of that from you so I thought it was one-sided and you didn't notice. I'm sorry. Had I known, I would've picked something else to pester you about."

"Why do you have to pester me at all?"

"Honestly? Because it's easy. It also distracts you from the rain cloud that seems to follow you around all the time."

"I don't like it. Stop it."

"Grow a bit of a skin and get over it. So long as you keep it easy, I'm going to keep it up. I can't figure out another way to get you to stop hyper focusing on all the bad shit so this is what you get."

"I don't do it on purpose."

"I know. But you also do nothing to help yourself. So, as your friend, I have to make you uncomfortable with talk of penises and lady asses," Reno said with a wide smile. Leon punched him in the shoulder causing the redhead to jump a little and suck in a breath. He pouted some and rubbed his abused limb. "I was serious about everything I said, though. They both have crazy similarities from behind."

"I know. You can be quiet now, Reno."


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time coming. Sorry for the delay.

**Chapter 52**

                Two weeks passed. During that time, Cloud’s transfusion was finished and he was placed in a regular room to heal on his own. He would remain sedated until his wounds closed enough to where they didn’t break open every time his skin moved. His fellow infirmary buddy, Rude, was doing much better. The bald Charge was still tired and wheezy during most of his day, but at the very least he could get up and move and eat a normal amount of food again. Reno was pleased, but with Rude’s recovery came a handful of other problems. Their stay at Balamb Garden was about to end unless the redhead went and talked to Headmaster Cid about what Midgar was planning. Reno was conflicted because of this.

                While it was true that he and Rude could just stay in a hotel or even go back to the Shumi village together, the redhead wasn’t sure he wanted to leave Leon behind. He was sure the brunette was still in a sensitive place because of everything that had happened and Reno didn’t want to abandon him just in case he needed something. Rude didn’t seem to care about where they were going, so his Charge was no help when it came to making a decision.

                “Midgar is full of assholes, I really don’t understand why you’re hesitating telling anyone anything,” Rude said. Reno glanced at him before looking out the window. His Charge’s room in the Infirmary looked out onto the back fields of the school and the redhead could see Leon sitting under a distant tree with a pile of books and Zell.

                “There’s more to it than just letting someone know when they’re going to be fucked over,” Reno said. Both he and Rude were well aware of some of the back office plans that Rufus had concocted for the military during their stay with him. There were things in the works that could seriously alter the way the war was going if Balamb suddenly knew about it. The Technicians had warned Reno and Leon about doing things that would change too much of the history of Plane 087. Too much change could shift the timeline too much and send it in a different direction and possibly damage their ability to get home again. When dealing with gateways between time and space as a means of travel, it was a very delicate balance that needed to be kept in order for everything to work properly. In all honesty, if things changed and Leon and Reno weren’t able to get home, the Technicians would simply shrug it off and clone them. Keeping true to the history was really for the Carrier’s benefit more so than it was for anyone else’s.

                “I’m not so sure about that, but whatever. I can always tell them if you want to keep your nose clean,” Rude offered.

                Reno shook his head. “I would prefer you didn’t. Let me figure out if we should say anything, please,” he said. Of course, with keeping silent came an enormous amount of guilt. So many innocent unsuspecting people were going to be massacred in the coming months, and in order to avoid it, all Reno had to do was open his mouth and tell someone. If he had a clearer idea of what Balamb would do to defend itself, and how long it would take them, he may have been able to make the decision easier. If he knew those extra details, he could try to get himself and Leon back to the Shumi village before everything when down so they could try to get home before it happened. He couldn’t really remember how long they had been gone, and with the portal between their worlds only opening every six years, it was sort of difficult to be precise with the timing. They would need to go home right when they got back to the Shumi village if at all possible.

                “Suit yourself,” Rude said. “Are we going to stay in a hotel, then?”

                “I don’t want to leave Leon.”

                “Why not? He’s a big boy. He can handle himself.”

                “I know, I just…” Reno sighed. “I worry about him.”

                “You’re not his father.”

                “I know, but he’s a brother in many ways. Nothing’s gone right for him and I just want to make sure he gets home safely.”

                “Hm,” Rude grunted, giving the redhead a skeptical look. Reno looked at him and scrunched his brows together.

                “What?”

                “Nothing. I’m just wondering when you’re going to start worrying about yourself.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “Well, you don’t smile like you used to, you look like an old man most of the time, and you have bags under your eyes that are probably bigger than your nutsack, but you still insist on worrying about people who don’t need you to worry about them. Leon is fine where he is. He’s not dying, he has someone to pal around with, and all he’s doing is waiting for Cloud to get better. Why do you need to sit on him like a mother hen?” Rude asked. Reno heaved another sigh and looked out the window again. “You can do whatever you want, Reno, but if we have to leave him behind for a while, I don’t want you to break apart. It bothers me that your wellbeing is hinged on whether or not that kid has a good day.”

                “He deserves a good day, though,” the redhead mumbled. Yet another sigh escaped him and he gave Rude a serious face. “Despite all the stupid shit we had to do for Rufus, I had a lot of fun running around with you guys all over everywhere. I made friends, I experienced a lot of stuff, and I’m a happier person for it. My entire life has been about finding you but my entire family said that I was supposed to go out and have fun while doing it. I feel like I’ve been pretty successful at that and I’m ready to go home and fulfill my purpose.

                “Leon never had a family to tell him to go out and live a life and be human for a while. All he knows how to do is be what he is and for him to be by himself this whole time just goes against everything he is. Despite how much of an asshole he is, his entire trip here has been about finding Cloud so they can go home and make a family so he doesn’t have to be alone anymore. I don’t want to leave him until he can do that because I like to feel like I play the part of his family for now. He has friends and stuff, but they’re just there to pass the time. They can’t give him what a family can. So just… let me be the mother hen for now, okay?”

                Rude listened quietly to Reno’s story, and after several quiet moments of processing, he shrugged and bit. “Okay.”

                “Thank you.”

\--------------

                Zell was very pleased with how well adjusted Leon seemed. He had gained most of the weight back that he had lost, his face was nicely healed, and the blonde could touch him without Leon flinching like he had been punched. It made lying around together much more comfortable when the brunette allowed him to impose himself on a shoulder or a thigh instead of just lying in the grass next to him. The blonde appreciated the lack of judgment on the Carrier’s part, as well. In that sense, their relationship was very reciprocal. Leon didn’t mind the contact at all and didn’t notice when other people were around for it. It was a strong contrast for Zell, who could hardly be within three feet of Seifer in public when they were together without his ex flipping out.

For Leon, though, it was just part of the package. When he got reasonably close to someone, it was okay to lie around together and simply share the companionship. Back at the facility he did it with Tifa and Riku, and he did it now with Reno on occasion. It was the same with Zell, though it meant something different to the blonde. But Leon didn’t know that and simply went along with it as if Zell was another Carrier. However, Reno’s banter about how Cloud’s features were comparable to Zell’s made Leon think about both blondes and their bodies _way_ too much for his tastes which sort of ruined the platonic atmosphere behind it all. He did everything he could to avoid it, but it was difficult.

“Do you mind if we go inside for a bit?” Zell asked abruptly. He had spent the better part of an hour lying in the grass using Leon’s thigh as a pillow. The brunette looked at him with a raised brow.

“Sure? Is something wrong?” the Carrier asked, looking away from his book.

“No, I just need to take care of something.”

“I can stay out here if you need me to.”

“I’d prefer if you came with me. I might need your help.”

“Alright,” Leon agreed. He closed his book and leaned over to scoop up the others.

The brunette was suspicious. Zell hadn’t pushed him for much in a while and though it had helped him calm his head when it came to all things physical, it also made Leon become hyper vigilant for whenever something seemed off. He wasn’t so sexually stunted that he couldn’t tell when something was up, not after watching Cloud tear through an entire harem’s worth of women simply because his hormones told him to. His Charge and Zell were roughly the same age which made everything that much more likely. Also, he couldn’t figure out for the life of him what Zell would need his help with other than studying, and for that he wouldn’t need to be inside. Regardless, he followed. He was giving Zell the benefit of the doubt and hoping there wasn’t something else going on.

 _Of course_ , Leon sighed to himself when Zell took a left turn and headed in the direction of his dorm. Again, he couldn’t think of anything else that the blonde would’ve needed help with; especially something that was in his dorm. He was thankful he was a foot behind his friend and out of his line of sight otherwise Zell might have seen how apprehensive he so obviously was. The problem the brunette ultimately saw was that there was no valid reason for him to deny the blonde any longer. He had no idea how far Zell wanted to go, but it was plain to see that Leon wasn’t against being close anymore. Touching wasn’t the problem, though. Touching was fine. What he wasn’t sure about was what happened after the touching.

“Have a seat, I’ll be right back,” the blonde said when they were finally in his dorm. He bypassed the main living area and disappeared into the bathroom leaving Leon feeling awkward and out of place. At the very least he took solace in the fact that Seifer was no longer living there. Thinking about the delinquent made his blood boil almost immediately, but that wasn’t what he was there for so he did his best to push the thoughts aside. He set his books on the table and sat on the couch, slouching low and folding his hands on his stomach.

Seifer hadn’t been expelled like he probably should’ve been. His father didn’t see the problem in torturing a Midgar foot soldier and was vehemently against his only son leaving the school. He threatened Headmaster Cid, saying that he could make the man’s life extremely difficult if he was to go to the country’s president and explain what the situation was. Cid wasn’t ignorant enough to think he had politics on his side. Despite the law and what was allowed, bigotry was still rampant amongst the populace, and politicians were not exempt. He would be fighting a losing battle and it really wasn’t worth it in his eyes. Bigotry or no, he couldn’t afford to care as much as Leon thought he should’ve. In the end, Seifer was suspended and confined to a single dorm by himself with armed guards watching all of the exits. No one had seen him since the incident and wouldn’t for several more weeks. However, Fujin had no such luxury and was promptly expelled.

Zell reemerged from the bathroom with a satin bag in his hand. The Carrier furrowed his brows at it, but before he could ask any questions and ease his curiosity, the blonde deposited it in his bedroom and left it at that. “Did you need anything?” he asked.

“I need you to stop trying to be sneaky about this. You’re really bad at it,” Leon said flatly. Zell gaped at him a little before looking at the floor.

“You know, when I was little I was never very good at sneaking cookies from the kitchen before dinnertime. I suppose I should quit while I’m ahead and just forget the fantasy I have where I’m the stealthiest motherfucker around,” he said.

“Your life would have a lot less disappointment if you did.”

“This is true,” the blonde agreed and toed off his shoes. Instead of beating around the proverbial bush and attempting to be smooth, he simply walked over to Leon and deposited himself in the Carrier’s lap, straddling him. The brunette hadn’t expected him to be _that_ forward and looked up at his friend with a bit of surprise. He suddenly had no idea what to do with his hands. “How’re you feeling?” Zell asked, pulling the snaps of his gloves open so he could wiggle his hands free. He placed a naked palm on Leon’s chest, feeling the Carrier’s nervous heartbeat thunder against his skin. The brunette wasn’t able to keep eye contact with him but placed a hand over his.

“Apprehensive,” he admitted.

“I’m sorry. I’m pushing too much again,” Zell said, mentally kicking his impatience. He made to scoot off the other’s lap and into his own seat, but Leon’s other hand came up and nudged him back into place by his bicep.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore, though. It’s been… weeks since everything went on and I’m tired of sitting in my cocoon of misery,” Leon said, taking a deep breath. It didn’t calm his nerves much but at the very least he could admit to himself that it was time to put some of Reno’s insistence to practice and try to make himself happy. He had absolutely no idea how to do that other than getting home and working, but he had to accept that he couldn’t do that right away and work with what he had. What he had was Zell.

“It makes me really happy to hear you say that. I was waiting for it.”

“Were you? Does that mean you would’ve eventually gotten sick of me and left?”

“I hadn’t considered it, no. But I think it’s good that I never got the chance to.”

“Yeah,” Leon agreed. A brief silence passed between them. The brunette’s attention was mostly focused on what he could see of the floor off to the side, but Zell watched his friend’s face carefully. The apprehension, the fear, was painfully obvious on Leon’s face. The Carrier’s pulse was strong and quickened. All of the signs pointed toward the idea of Leon not being ready, but the brunette seemed to think otherwise.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” the blonde asked. The other nodded. There was a lot going on in Leon’s head outside of possibly getting laid in the near future. Perhaps the biggest problem he had was the fear of getting attached. For so long he had denied himself any sort of long term thought processes when it came to the people on Plane 087, and now that he was trying to find a bit of happiness, he discovered that he couldn’t think like that anymore. It was true that Zell was a temporary presence, but in order for Leon to feel comfortable enough to be with him, it was compulsory to think otherwise. If he didn’t, then it would feel less like having a companion and more like he was using someone and he didn’t want that. Zell hadn’t done anything to deserve such disrespect.

“Yeah. Just… be gentle with me. I’m delicate,” Leon muttered. He immediately started to laugh and shook his head. “That’s actually a lie, but I’d appreciate it all the same.”

Zell squinted at him, attempting to figure out what the brunette was talking about. It took him a long minute. “I think you have things a little backwards.”

“Do I? I was sort of under the impression that sticking things in places was how sex worked. Correct me if I’m wrong, though. _Please do._ ”

“Well yeah but… I mean… not to bring up a weird and awkward memory but you’ve had the unfortunate experience of seeing me almost have sex before. _I_ wasn’t getting ready to stick anything anywhere.”

“…Oh. I just sort of assumed with someone new that it was… okay,” Leon said, pursing his lips in thought. He had done a lot of mental preparation for nothing.

“I wouldn’t ask that of you. I’m not that retarded when it comes to trauma, and it also makes the first time a really bad time. Seriously. It sucks. But, you get used to it and I actually prefer it now.”

“I’ve never done anything like this before, how am I supposed to know that?”

“Well… you… I mean…” Zell trailed awkwardly. He scrunched up his face a little as he tried to think of a way to phrase his next question with as much tact as he could. It didn’t work very well. “You’re okay with having sex with a guy but you’ve never… fucked around like that before? Not even by yourself?”

“Zell, I don’t even masturbate.”

There was a long silence as the blonde simply stared at his friend suspiciously. “That’s a lie.”

“I’m serious.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s the truth.”

“I want your permission to rummage through your dirty laundry because I’m _sure_ you have at least one crunchy sock in there.”

“That’s disgusting. No.”

“But… that doesn’t make any sense. You _do_ have…” Zell said, looking down. He scooted back a few inches on Leon’s lap and helped himself to grabbing a handful of the Carrier’s groin and giving it a squeeze.

The brunette startled. “A- _ah_! What the fuck?” he asked, gripping the other’s wrist. A brief urge to rip the other’s hand off him and punch him in the gut filtered through his mind, but he let it pass. He remembered he was trying to come to terms with letting Zell touch him even if the first move was abrupt and awkward. However, the blonde’s grip was fairly uncomfortable. “Yeah, I have all of that. Can you let go? Or at least not crush me?”

“Sorry,” the blonde said, not letting go so much as he simply loosened his grip and kept his hand in place.

“Is it really that shocking?”

“It’s really strange, I’ll be honest. I’ve never heard of anyone just… _not_ jerking off. Everyone does. Can I ask why you don’t?”

Leon shrugged. “I just don’t have the desire to. Never really did.”

“That’s weird…”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize, I just… hm,” Zell said thoughtfully. He gently massaged the malleable flesh in his hand, watching Leon’s face carefully. The Carrier let a long breath through his nose and closed his eyes. The blonde’s free hand came to rest on the other’s sternum. Zell could feel the brunette’s nervous heartbeat under his palm still and he had mixed feelings. It was one of the few times that the blonde genuinely disliked how stone-faced his friend could be. Normally it didn’t bother him, but he had absolutely no indication of what Leon was feeling other than apprehension. It filled him with a lot of doubt despite how nice the other’s words had sounded less than ten minutes ago. He wanted to believe that Leon knew himself better than what he thought, but there was a nagging negative undertone that he couldn’t ignore.

“What’s wrong?” Leon asked after Zell’s long hesitation. The blonde snapped out of his thought processes and looked at him. He took his hands off the brunette and wordlessly scooted off his lap to sit next to him properly.  Immediately concerned, Leon sat up with him and tried to understand the conflict playing out on his friend’s face.

Zell heaved a heavy sigh and folded his hands in his lap. “I don’t get the impression you’re a hundred percent on this. I have a lot of doubt, which makes _me_ not a hundred percent on this.”

                “What I said was true, though. I don’t want—“ Leon attempted, but the blonde held up a hand to silence him.

                “I know what you said. And it does make me really happy to hear it, however, I feel like there’s a huge piece of the equation that’s missing. I feel like I’m chasing after you and making you feel obligated, which is something I don’t want. Like I told you a while ago, I don’t need to feel like we’re getting married tomorrow or anything but at the very least I want you to be… receptive. You obviously knew we were coming here to do this and had I gotten some sort of reaction out of you other than just obliging me, then I probably would feel differently,” Zell explained.

                “Oh,” Leon said, looking down at his hands as he picked at his fingernails. After a short debate with himself, he could agree with what his friend was telling him.

                “So… I think it’s best if you come to me when you’re ready. Okay?”

                “Okay.”

                “You don’t sound convinced.”

                “No, I agree, but I feel bad. I feel like I wasted your time.”

                Zell waved a dismissive hand with a shake of his hand. “I was getting impatient when I shouldn’t have. Don’t worry about it. Unlike you, I _do_ masturbate, so I’ll survive until you’re ready to have me.”

                “Well that’s not an awkward thought process or anything…”

                “Take it as a compliment.”

                “I’m trying to, but I feel like whatever fantasies you have will be grossly overstated and you’ll be disappointed by the reality.”

                “Well I already know that your junk is bigger than what Rinoa said it was and we didn’t even get anywhere. It’s all uphill from there,” Zell said casually.

                “…What,” Leon said. He stared at the blonde with a blank face.

                The blonde laughed. “After the idea sunk in that you weren’t coming back, she got really angry, and _boy_ did she talk about you.”

                The Carrier ran a hand over his face with a long sigh as his posture sagged. “I can only imagine what she said.”

                “Uh, I’m willing to bet it was _everything_. Some of it was an obvious lie from the get-go, though. Like, she tried to make it sound like you were abusive.”

                “She said I hit her?”

                “She tried to. But everyone she talked to about it was like ‘well, if he beat you up, why the hell are you upset he’s gone?’ She didn’t have an answer for that so no one believed her.”

                “Good. Because I didn’t.”

                “I know. She’s sort of fucked in the head. Good job catching the attention of all the crazies, by the way. Seifer is up there with that particular fanbase.”

                “The same would go for you, then.”

                “I never denied it.”

                Leon let out a short laugh and shook his head. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but what else did she say?”

                “She said something about your tongue and that you never took your shirt off around her, which she found strange. She told a bunch of stories about how unsatisfying your sex life was, but everyone had the same reaction as they did when she tried to say you hit her. They were like ‘why did you stay with him for so long if he was unsatisfying?’ She didn’t have an answer for that one, either. You obviously were doing _something_ right if she stuck around for so long, and if you weren’t, then it’s her own damn fault for staying. She can’t complain about something that’s so easily rectifiable by just… walking away, you know? I don’t know. Whatever. She’ a bitch. All she succeeded in doing was making herself look bad,” Zell explained calmly.

                _I wonder how much I **could** beat her up before I got in trouble…_ Leon thought to himself. Once he realized what he was thinking, he stopped. No one deserved that sort of treatment, let alone someone who obviously had some additional mental problems lurking around. After a moment of silent thinking, he looked to Zell with sheepish eyes. He still didn’t feel any better, though he was trying to force himself to think otherwise. The blonde gave him a bit of a smile.

                “What did you want to do?” he asked.

                “I’m not sure,” Leon said hesitantly. Eventually, the broken gears in his head started to turn and grind through the awkwardness. “Do you mind if we stop by and see Cloud? Or rather, if _I_ stop by and see him? We can go to lunch or something afterward but I just want to see how he is. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.”

                “Sure. I can come; I don’t have much else to do,” Zell said.

\--------------

                The infirmary was quiet, as expected. There hadn’t been much commotion since Seifer was caught and put on suspension which Leon was sincerely grateful for. Cloud being sedated and unable to partake in his special brand of entertainment also helped things considerably. Light conversation filtered out of Rude’s room as he and Reno discussed what their plan should be. Eventually the topic drifted back to Leon just as the brunette and his blonde companion came within earshot. The feline Carrier heaved and heavy sigh and poked his head into Rude’s room.

                “Must you talk about me constantly? It’s creepy. Stop it,” he said. Reno startled a bit and looked to the door. Without missing a beat, he cracked a smile.

                “But honey, we were discussing what color tie you should wear to the Prom and subsequently, what color corsage to get Zell. I suppose we could get you a boutonnière, too.  Do you know what color dress he’s wearing? These are important things,” the redhead twittered. Rude snorted in an attempt to keep back a laugh.

                “What?” Zell asked, appearing in the doorway next to Leon. He looked to the brunette. “There’s a Prom? And I’m wearing a dress to it? Why didn’t you tell me? I need to buy leggings.”

                “There’s a visual I didn’t need,” Leon grumbled whilst rubbing his eyes between his thumb and forefinger.

                “What? Don’t you think I’d make a pretty girlfriend?” Zell asked, flicking a hand over his shoulder as if to push a piece of imaginary luxuriously long hair behind it.

                Reno laughed. “I like your friends,” he said.

                “Both of you are awful,” the brunette muttered. He leaned against the doorframe and gave Zell a once-over. “And for the record, no, you’d make a horrifying woman.”

                “You mean you _don’t_ want a girlfriend that can bench press you?” the blonde asked sweetly.

                “No. I really don’t.”

                “Okay. I don’t have the legs for skirts, anyway.”

                “I agree.”

                “Cloud has the legs for them,” Reno said.

                “No he doesn’t,” Leon said, giving the redhead a searing glare out of the corner of his eye.

                “Cloud wears skirts?” Zell asked, furrowing his brows together a bit.

                “No, he doesn’t,” Leon grumbled, taking his shoulder and nudging him away from the room. “Don’t listen to Reno; he’s poisonous.”

                “Am not!” the redhead squawked.

                As Leon and Zell pushed their way into Cloud’s room, the Carrier was once again overcome with the smell of blood. Cloud’s nurse was busy finishing cleaning his Charge up and making sure things were still as it should be. The taller blonde’s recovery was slow goings. Just because he had the ability to heal by himself, didn’t mean his body was willing to put forth the effort to make it happen quickly. The nurse plopped the remaining bloodied rags she had into the basin she was carrying and left the room so they could have some peace. Leon helped himself to unzipping the cloth cube that covered his Charge’s back to inspect the progress. Zell peeked in and made a face. He hadn’t seen the full extent of the damage even if he had been there when Leon found Cloud in the basement.

                “I’m sorry,” he said quietly, stepping back and giving Leon an apologetic face. The brunette looked at him with a confused crease in his brow.

                “Why are you apologizing?”

                “Because I feel like someone should. I don’t know. Seifer is my crazy ex. I guess I feel somewhat responsible for not being able to keep him in check. Or at the very least I feel like I should’ve known he’d try something. His bigotry doesn’t know many boundaries.”

                “Well even I knew that. He’s an asshole.”

                “Right, I know, but I still feel weird.”

                “Did he tell you he was going to do this?”

                “No, but when we got down there, he said I wasn’t supposed to be there. He like… pointed at me you know? Maybe if I had listened to him more when he was trying to get back together, he might have told me he was planning this. Or maybe he wouldn’t have done it at all,” Zell said, crossing his arms over his chest and looking off to the side, unable to keep eye contact with his friend.

                “Don’t blame yourself for this,” Leon said, furrowing his brows together some. “Not once have I thought you had any involvement. You’ve been with me pretty much every day since I came back. You guys wouldn’t have known about Cloud before then so when would you have had the time to figure it out? Honestly, I’ve been happier being around you than I have in a long while even if I ignore being gone for so long,” he said. It was the truth. Since the beginning of his stay at Balamb, Zell had been a beacon of lightheartedness for him; something to keep the constant drudgery away whenever he was around. He was the only person Leon had never had an actual problem with in his life aside from Zack. He couldn’t find anything to complain about.

                A small moment of silence passed before Zell looked to him again. “Really?” he asked, sounding unsure.

                “Yeah,” Leon said.

                “Okay,” the blonde mumbled, looking away again. The brunette raised a brow.

                “You’re sure?”

                Zell’s attention snapped to him again so quickly, Leon half expected his neck to break. His eyes were wide. “Yeah! I’ll um... I’ll give you a minute with Cloud and then we can get lunch,” he blurted, giving Leon a smile before scooting out of the room quickly. The Carrier watched him go, confused. He didn’t know how to interpret Zell’s suddenly uneasy demeanor.

                Setting his strange feelings aside, he turned back to Cloud and leaned over his Charge’s back and inspected his wounds. The scabbing in some places was sturdier than others, but as he gently nudged the skin, they broke open easily. They didn’t exactly start suddenly gushing blood everywhere again, but it was enough to know that it would still be a while before Cloud would be able to wake up with any sort of positive outcome. Leon frowned. His Charge was healing too slowly for his tastes. The lack of progress was worrisome and he wondered how many more weeks they would have to stay in Balamb. It was a bittersweet thought process for him. He wanted to go home and start working, but leaving that plane, and subsequently Zell, was a painful thought. It was exactly the kind of feeling he was trying to avoid.

\--------------

                Reno wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He was pacing in front of the main elevator that would take him to the top of the school where Headmaster Cid resided. His conflicting situation was tearing him to pieces. He was losing sleep over the indecision and the possibility of ruining the lives of millions of people. Regardless of his choice, it could still affect that many people. Either the people of Balamb suffer because of his silence, or the people on his home plane suffer the loss of his Totem because he might not be able to return if he opens his mouth.

                “You look like a man who has a lot weighing him down,” came a voice not too far behind him. Reno let out a startled yelp and quickly whirled around. Headmaster Cid put up his hands. “Whoa. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

                The redhead heaved a sigh. “No, it’s fine. I was just about to come speak to you.”

                “Ah. Well, that’s good. You’re more than welcome to come up to my office. I just need to take care of something before we get started,” the man said, gesturing to the elevator.

                The ride up to the Headmaster’s office was quiet and awkward for Reno, who stayed as far away from the man as possible in their tiny enclosed box. Headmaster Cid didn’t seem to be bothered and simply stood with his hands folded behind his back peacefully. Once in the office proper, the redhead helped himself to a seat across from the Headmaster’s desk as the man himself sat in his oversized chair and picked up the phone receiver. He held a brief conversation, exactly one sentence, and then wrote something down.

                “How many today?” he asked with a hushed tone before jotting his note and hanging up the phone. Reno thought it was an odd exchange and raised a brow. His curiosity was too inflated for his own good.

                “How many what, exactly?” the redhead asked. He figured if it was something he wasn’t supposed to know, the Headmaster would just say so. He was surprised.

                “I call over to Galbadia every day to see how many of our remaining troops committed suicide. We have spies roaming the city in every district and they follow the troops Midgar took from us to make sure there isn’t any slippage in loyalty,” Headmaster Cid explained solemnly.

                “But they’re working for Midgar now, right? Wouldn’t they all be doing whatever Midgar wanted? I’d say that’s a breech in loyalty.”

                “You can serve the other side but still hold the values of the one you were raised in. Balamb’s troops are not weak. Just because Midgar can overwhelm them with sheer numbers immeasurable cruelty doesn’t mean they will willingly break the vows of duty they took when they signed up for the military over here. There is one in particular that I keep waiting to hear about on my call. It’s a woman, and she’s been in Galbadia since Midgar took over. Despite their patriarchy, she still remains a soldier. In their eyes, she’s useless, but she still fights every day against their tyranny. Her strength, physical and mental, is very impressive,” the man explained, reclining back in his seat. “She’s been raped more times than I can count, beaten, imprisoned, and generally treated worse than a piece of trash, but she still remains loyal to us. She fights off her assailants more times than not, and spits on them as they walk past her the next day. Those are the sorts of soldiers we breed here in Balamb.

                “Midgar has impressive power and the numbers to fling it around without much of a plan. They can haphazardly go into places and take over simply because they overwhelm their enemies with everything they have. They don’t need to make sure their soldiers are efficient and mentally capable in order to serve because they’ll replace the ones that die with five more in just a few hours. However, of the prisoners we’ve taken, a vast majority of them have cracked under the pressure of being separated. They’re undereducated so they’re easily overwhelmed by things they don’t understand, they quickly go through withdrawal from the Mako they’re given and they become dependant on what we give them, and when they realize we’re not going to kill them and end their suffering, they either try to kill themselves or defect to our side so we’ll help them more. Their loyalty is fickle at best.”

                “If your soldiers are so superior, why do you call to see how many suicides your side has? If that’s what you measure loyalty with, I can’t imagine that hearing about your own soldiers cracking and offing themselves is much of a morale boost. Things must be grim.”

                “If our soldiers break, it means we’re losing. If these brave people can stay true to our values despite the hardships of being brutalized by the opposing side every day, then it means we are still holding our ground. Midgar has had control of Galbadia for some time now and they have yet to advance any further. It may be difficult to push them out of their own territory, but they’re in ours now. We have the upper hand. We’ve held steady, and I attribute that stability to our soldiers.”

                “How many can there be left? There can’t possibly be enough for you to think things are still stable.”

                “We’ve only lost maybe a fifth of our forces since Midgar took Galbadia. Only six of those deaths were self-inflicted. The others have been combat losses and captures.”

                “Six,” the redhead parroted in disbelief.

                “Yes. Six.”

                “Not sixty.”

                “No. Six.”

                “Out of how many?”

                “Somewhere on the upwards of fifteen thousand,” Headmaster Cid said. Reno furrowed his brows.

                “That doesn’t make any sense. Balamb didn’t even have that many soldiers over there before Midgar came in.”

                “Are you sure of that?”

                “Yeah. Our own scouts said so.”

                “What about Galbadian soldiers? You do realize our militaries have been one-in-the-same for the last fifty years or so? Balamb and Galbadia held most of the same values for centuries and only remained separate entities simply because of politics and the fact that no one could decide whose name was better.”

                “But the Galbadian soldiers have been the least resistant when it came to accepting Midgar’s practices. They fell in line fairly easily by my understanding.”

                “Right. They did. But if what you’re thinking is correct, that they surrendered completely overnight, then why is it that Midgar hasn’t been able to advance? Surely another thirteen thousand loyal soldiers is more than enough to advance farther into Balamb’s territory.”

                “I… don’t know. I wasn’t that involved in the military directly,” Reno said.

                “It’s because they’ve been undermining Midgar for years. They’ve been working for us since the beginning. Midgar is full of egotistical, gullible, and undereducated officers.  The trickledown effect of not having literate authority figures makes things extremely difficult when you’re trying to get something accomplished. Take Nibelheim for example,” Headmaster Cid said, sitting up again and folding his hands on his desk.

                “Nibelheim?” the redhead asked confusedly.

                “Do you really think Balamb is stupid enough to not have spies outside of our own territory? Don’t insult us like that. Of course we know of the debacle that took Nibelheim down. That idiot General Strahl couldn’t stop running his mouth and incited a riot and got the townsfolk in an uproar. _Then_ , thinking it was some sort of twisted carnival game or something, the man encouraged them to fight back and started handing people torches and weapons. He turned Midgar’s own town against their own military because he felt it was _fun_. But the real kicker there was that he was still kept on as an officer afterward. If it wasn’t so morbid and sad, I’d have sold tickets to his performance.”

                “I was told it was an accident,” Reno said, slouching a bit in his seat.

                “Midgar doesn’t have accidents. They have tragedies. The only pity I have is for their brainwashed soldiers and their citizens. The majority of their military is run by virtual children that had their chances at peace ripped out of their hands by the government and were forced into a life of numbness and violence. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Midgar soldier, dead or alive, that had aged enough to have a few wrinkles. That’s pathetic and disgusting. It’s hard for me to imagine you would have any loyalty towards them; you seem like you have more than half a brain in you,” Headmaster Cid said.

                “I’m not loyal towards them. I’m not loyal towards Balamb, either.”

                “Then where does your loyalty lie?”

                “To myself and my little group of ragtag ruffians,” Reno said with a tiny snort. “Me, Squall, Rude, and Cloud. Those are the only people I give a damn about.”

                “So if you tell me anything you know, you’d have nothing to lose,” Headmaster Cid concluded.

                “No, I have a great deal to lose if I do. However, your explanation makes me feel a little more confident that I don’t need to tell you anything in order for you to protect yourselves. Thanks for sharing.”

                “I see. I can’t allow you to stay here much longer, then. If you have nothing for me, I need you to leave so we can use the room for people who really need it. This isn’t a hotel.”

                “There isn’t much I can tell you simply because I don’t know much. Midgar is planning something big. Like, massively huge. But I don’t know the particulars. I worked for Rufus Shinra, not the government directly. Other than the plan existing, I can’t tell you anything,” Reno lied. He knew much more than he eluded to, but Balamb’s efficiency was the problem. If Headmaster Cid meant what he said, that they have spies everywhere, Balamb may be ready to fight back much sooner than Reno had anticipated. He doubted he and Leon could leave before Midgar and Balamb clashed, and that could cause too many problems. He wasn’t willing to risk the possibility of not being able to get home again.

                Now, his new problem was figuring out a place to stay.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

                There were a lot of things going through Leon’s mind, as usual. Cloud was a constant but for once he was secondary. There were two topics taking up the primary positions of his thinking space. They were Zell, and how much he couldn’t feel his face. The gash that marred the skin between his eyes had done more damage than he thought. It was healed by that point, and he was able to touch the skin on the sides without much discomfort. The numbness reached out a half inch on either side of the cut and was spread from above his right eye down to a little on his left cheek. Once he realized the problem, he spent an hour in front of a mirror trying to figure out if it was his imagination or if there was a legitimate issue. At the very least, whatever damage had been done wasn’t enough to leave parts of his face paralyzed.

                The discovery wasn’t exactly the most earth shattering thing he could’ve found, but it still wasn’t helping him come to terms with the damage. If anything it made him more self conscious. Even though he could see his eyebrows move and his cheek act normally, there was a bit of nagging doubt that told him that whatever they were doing would look strange to people. Like they would notice something additional that was off about the mark and think strangely of him. Of course, it was just his paranoia telling him such things. In reality there wasn’t anything like that to worry about but Leon couldn’t get himself to accept it.

                Additionally, there were mornings were he would wake up and the cut itself felt like it was being pinched from inside the seam. The first time it happened he practically smacked his forehead thinking there was some sort of stinging bug attached to his face. It was a surprising feeling, but not one that would make him cry out or bring him to tears. It was annoying and faded in an out for the rest of his day. It made him wonder if there was a way for the Technicians to map the nerves in his face in order to see what the problem was. He was sure something had healed in a way it wasn’t supposed to.

                “Are you okay?” Reno asked, giving his feline friend a concerned look. They were sitting outside at a picnic table in the brisk spring air. Empty lunch trays flanked them on either side. Rude was sitting next to his Carrier, but Zell had left them once he was finished eating and went out into the field with his squad members for some hand-to-hand practice before class.

                Leon looked to the redhead with a raised brow. “Yeah, why?”

                “You’ve had a permanent scowl on your face since you woke up. I mean, it’s more of a scowl than normal,” Reno said.

                “My forehead hurts. I didn’t notice I was making a face,” the brunette said, making a conscious effort to relax the tension in his expression. He helped himself to digging around in Zell’s backpack to retrieve the blonde’s notebook. There was an unspoken pact between he and his friend that the Carrier could look over the blonde’s homework and make sure things were as they should be. It was common knowledge that Zell wasn’t the most studious person on the planet, and Leon had been tutoring him so much that it was almost routine for the Carrier to check things over. Leon didn’t mind doing it and chocked it up to practice for when he would have to teach Cloud things later on.  Reno, on the other hand, didn’t see it as something so innocent.

                “You’re much prettier when you don’t scowl. Don’t want to scare Zell away with that angry face, do you?” the redhead teased, a toothy grin spreading across his face. Leon rolled his eyes and shook his head.

                “Stop it,” he grumped.

                “Oh come on, you know you want to run out there with him and all of his buddies and roll around and get sweaty together.”

                “Stop it.”

                “Don’t lie to yourself, Leon. It’s not healthy. You shouldn’t deny your queer fantasies.”

                “Stop it. Can’t you see I’m trying to do something?” Leon spat with an acidic tone, sending Reno a glare.

                “Yes. You’re doing your boyfriend’s homework.”

                “He’s not my boyf—Do you want a fork in the neck?” Leon asked angrily, picking up said utensil from a tray and waggling it at the redhead threateningly.

                “Not really. I’m just enjoying how much you’re not denying any of this,” Reno said innocently, a beaming smile pointed at the other Carrier.

                “I hate you _so_ much, you know that?”

                “No you don’t. I wouldn’t be a very good brother if I didn’t annoy the shit out of you, you know. This is how the world works.”

                “Oh is that what it is, now? I was under the impression you’re just an enormous twat,” Leon said, flicking the fork at the redhead. Reno flinched and brought his hands up just as it bounced off his shoulder. “He’s not my boyfriend and I’m not doing his homework. He’s my friend and I’m checking it for him. No more, no less. Get over yourself.”

                “But if I did that, I’d be so bored,” Reno twittered, setting the fork back on the tray. Things settled between him and Leon for a few moments and the redhead was able to drift into his own brain-clogging thoughts.

                Headmaster Cid had given him and Rude until the end of the week to leave the school. Reno was sort of surprised that the man had told him as much as he did and half expected to be followed for the rest of his stay in Balamb. He knew a lot of information suddenly, and could very well pick up the phone and give Rufus Shinra a call to relay the message. He wasn’t going to, of course, but he doubted Balamb was stupid enough to let him leave without making sure there weren’t any incidents. Leon hadn’t argued with him when he told the brunette he wasn’t going to say anything about Midgar’s plans for the war. Reno couldn’t decide if his friend was happy with him or not because of it, but nothing about Leon had changed when they interacted, so he let the thoughts slide. He liked to think Leon understood.

                “You know…” the bovine Carrier trailed thoughtfully. Leon looked at him expectantly. “I wonder who would win in an arm wrestling match, you or Zell?”

                “He probably would. He has that Eden hocus pocus going for him,” Leon said simply before turning back to the notebook.

                “Well yeah, but I mean without that; if it was just you and Zell. The dude is ripped even without using anything Eden gives him and it makes me wonder if he’s as strong as he looks.”

                “I have a hard time believing he isn’t.”

                “Yeah, but my curiosity still stands. Who would win? Crazy-buff-human-beefcake strength or Carrier strength? It’s a match for the ages, to be sure,” Reno said. He turned in his seat to watch the squad in the grass for a moment. There was a lot of physical talent on display, not only from Zell, but the entire group. He was fascinated with the abilities the people from that world had, and seeing such raw strength was the most interesting. Weapons held their appeal to some degree, but pure human strength was something to really marvel at. Apparently, Leon agreed with him. When Reno glanced back at the brunette, Leon wasn’t even looking at the notebook anymore. His eyes were fixated on the group in the field and his attention was focused on Zell. Reno took a minute to gleefully look between the two of them before he was forced to stifle a giggle. The sound shook Leon free of his trance-like state and he quickly looked to the redhead.

                “What?” he asked grumpily.

                “I was waiting for the waterfall of drool to pour out of your mouth. Ogling him like a piece of meat; for shame, Leon.”

                “I was not,” the brunette defended. “I was thinking.”

                Reno laughed. “I can only imagine what all that involved.”

                “It’s not like that—just… fuck off. Go away,” Leon grumbled, though he couldn’t keep his cheeks from pinkening a bit.

                “You are the cutest damn thing in the world, you know that?” Reno twittered. The brunette let out a grumbling sigh and forced his eyes to the notebook with a renewed burning focus. His face was as red as a tomato by that point, which only made his friend’s amusement all the more obvious. “You really should just break the ice and walk up to him and puff out your chest and be like ‘Zell, I wish for you to take off your pants now.’”

                “Reno?”

                “Yes, m’dear?”

                “I’m going to eat all of your children if you don’t shut the fuck up.”

                “That’s low; threatening a man’s children before they’re even born.”

                “Say what you will. It’ll happen if you don’t be quiet.”

                “Well, it’s sort of what their purpose is, really. I’m not that bothered by it,” Reno said matter-of-factly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Leon heaved another sigh, his posture sagging a bit. Though he understood that Reno was only teasing him, the constant jabbing to make progress with Zell was more pressure than the brunette wanted to deal with. For once, he wanted to just be left alone and figure out on his own what he was comfortable with. He wasn’t making any plans to follow Reno’s lead, but the incessant pestering made any sort of progress on his part a nerve wracking experience; the over thinking was killing him. The redhead’s chipper demeanor faltered some as he watched Leon’s unsure face stare down at the notebook in his lap.

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry,” Reno said after a moment of tense silence.

“If you want me to get anywhere with him, you need to let me do it myself. Stop making me think too much,” Leon muttered, folding his legs under himself and attempting to pay attention to Zell’s handwriting again.

“Okay,” the redhead agreed. He glanced to Rude, who looked half asleep. The Charge was well on the road to recovery, but the residual sickness that lingered about dragged him down some. “Feeling okay?” Reno asked. Rude hadn’t understood the entire conversation that the two Carriers had shared and resigned himself and his lack of language skills to blandly staring at the surrounding foliage. He nodded in response to his Carrier’s question.

“Yeah. Just tired,” he said. Reno nodded in return and started shuffling the plates and trays together in a neat pile so they could take them inside again.

“Come on then. Let’s find you somewhere to lie down.”

Reno and Rude left quietly, leaving Leon to his own devices. The brunette was thankful for the quiet and continued scanning the notebook in his lap. When he was almost finished, a shadow started to creep up on him as someone approached. Leon didn’t notice until the light was completely blocked on the pages. He looked up to a view of Zell’s muscular stomach, which was practically _glittering_ with sweat. The Carrier blinked a few times before looking up at Zell’s face properly. The blonde was looking down at him with a raised brow.

“Everything okay?” he asked, taking in Leon’s mildly shocked expression.

“Uh… yeah,” the brunette said stupidly.

“You seem tense.”

“I suppose I am a little.”

“Maybe take the day to relax a little?” Zell offered, going to take a seat across from Leon at the table. He had his shirt in one hand and used the fabric to wipe his face, figuring he could shower and change before class.

 _‘I could relax more if you put your goddamn shirt on_ ,’ Leon thought. Outwardly, he shrugged. “I have a hard time relaxing as a general rule.”

“There isn’t anything you do that can help?” the blonde questioned.

“Aside from reading, not really. It’s more of a distraction than it is a method of relaxing, though.”

“Hmm,” Zell hummed thoughtfully. Leon turned back to the notebook and finished reading through the last question and answer.

“You need to redo number six,” he said blandly, handing the notebook to his friend across the table. Zell scrunched his face up in disdain.

“Damn it, I worked so hard on that one, too,” the blonde said with a dejected sigh, nudging the notebook away so he could fold his arms on the table and rest his chin on them with a pout. After a brief moment of peace passed between them, he sat up again with a wide smile and tapped his gloved hands on the tabletop. Leon quirked a brow at him.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone so excited to have to redo part of their homework,” the brunette said.

Zell laughed. “No, not that. I think I can help you relax. That is, if you promise to keep my method super secret.”

“I feel like I should be worried,” Leon said hesitantly. The blonde grinned.

“Don’t be. Just meet me at my room tonight and I’ll show you.”

“Uhm…” the brunette stuttered, unsure of how to take the proposition. Zell’s smile didn’t falter.

“You don’t have to worry about it, I promise.”

\---

                That evening after dinnertime, Leon was standing in front of Zell’s dormitory door, nervously staring at it as if it was going to reach out and attack him. He still wasn’t convinced he was ready for whatever shenanigans Zell had planned for him despite his desire to move past his issues. Then again, he knew he had a tendency to over think things, and tried to tell himself that he was freaking out over nothing. He had to remember that the blonde understood him and his problem and that he wasn’t going to be forced to do anything he wasn’t ready to do. Taking a deep breath, he knocked.

                Zell’s door popped open a few moments later, Leon’s nose immediately catching a strong whiff of whatever soap the other used; apparently his friend had just got out of the shower. “Good timing!” Zell chirped with a smile. A damp towel hung from his hand and he took a second to drape it over his head and quickly rub the majority of the water from his hair. “Don’t you feel privileged? I’m all squeaky clean just for you,” he said with a bit of a laugh as he finished and tossed the towel aside.

                “Sure?” the Carrier guessed with a shrug, watching Zell rake his fingers through his hair in an effort to put it in some semblance of order, which was a major process.

                The cadet laughed a bit, stepping out into the hall. He swiped his keycard, locking the door. “Anyway, let’s get going,” he said.

                “We’re not staying here?” Leon questioned, falling in line with the blonde. Zell shook his head. The realization made the tension leak out of the brunette’s shoulders almost immediately. He _had_ been over thinking for nothing, after all.

                “We’re not, but you have to promise not to tell anyone about where I’m going to take you.”

                “Okay. I promise. Should I be worried that this is going to get us in trouble?”

                “It won’t if you don’t say anything,” Zell said with a bit of a song to his voice. Leon furrowed his brows.

                “I’d rather not take the risk, personally. I’m already on thin ice with Headmaster Cid as it is.”

                “Well… too bad. You need to relax and this is what you agreed to. Should’ve asked more questions before; now we’re past the point of no return,” Zell said firmly.

                Leon sighed a bit and resolved himself to his fate. It wasn’t all bad, at least. So long as he didn’t tattle, he’d be fine, right? His logical brain would’ve liked to agree, but the paranoid parts were telling him he should be worried about keeping a roof over his Charge. He calmed some as they walked, though; as he was given time to get past his initial hesitation. The Carrier had no idea where they were going, though. They were heading down a wing Leon never went through before. It was a rarely used section of the school that housed a sort of open auditorium space at the end of it with varying rooms branching off to it on either side. Nowadays, they were used as offices for most of the instructors who lived on campus, but in the past they were practice rooms.

                “Selphie still wants to bring back the festivals this school used to have but she’s had little success,” Zell volunteered when he noticed Leon’s curious face as he looked around. “She lost a lot of her motivation once Irvine went missing, though, so it’s understandable why there’s no progress. Now that he’s been back for a bit, I’m sure she’ll bounce back soon and she’ll be all over everyone to get started again,” he said.

                “Is this where the graduation ceremonies are held?” Leon asked. Zell shrugged.

                “I think so? There used to be a big hall with a ballroom and stuff but it was renovated when the war got serious and they needed more space for training us grunts. Would’ve been nice to join the school during peacetime; from what I understand, the graduation process was much more grandiose and… honorable, I guess. All graduation is anymore is Headmaster Cid patting you on the shoulder and you getting colored chains depending on what rank and specialty you graduated in. You’re shipped out to where they need you the following week. It’s not much,” the blonde explained, his tome turning somewhat downtrodden.

                “You don’t sound very pleased with that.”

                “Eh, it’s alright, I guess. It could be worse. We could be in Midgar. I know I’m complaining like a spoiled little kid, but it sounds sort of nice to maybe celebrate what we accomplish here, you know? I know a lot of guys are starting to lose their steam now that the first year is coming to an end, and it doesn’t feel as special or as dignified to be where we are anymore. In the beginning, you come into this with the mindset of ‘aw yeah, I’m going to make a huge difference, I’m going to matter,’ but it only takes a few months for you to realize… no. I’m not going to make a difference. I’m here because I want to be part of something bigger than myself, but I’m really just a means to an end. We’re just delaying the inevitable,” Zell said, waving a dismissive hand. “I know I’m going to die in this war one way or another. Maybe not for a while, but I will. It’d just be sort of neat if I could at least celebrate one last time before I head out for that, you know? Make me feel like the system gives a damn.”

                “I see,” the Carrier said quietly. He didn’t know what else to say. He agreed with Zell, but he couldn’t relate very well. However, he liked the blonde’s reasoning for why he was at the school better than his own. Having the gumption to put oneself on the line for one’s country knowing they’re heading down the short path to an early death was extremely admirable. At this point, Leon was only there because the rent and medical service was more or less free.

                “Ah well. It doesn’t matter in the end. That’s just me bitching,” Zell said with a tiny laugh under his breath.

                At the end of the hall shortly before the space opened up into the auditorium, there was a door. It was chained shut around the handles with a padlock keeping it all together. Zell stooped in front of it and pulled the lock open easily. It had been closed just enough to give the illusion that it was locked properly, but it wasn’t actually latched shut all the way. Leon raised a brow as the blonde unraveled the chains and nudged the doors open with his hip.

                “I’m pretty sure chains mean ‘don’t go in there,’” the brunette said.

                “Yeah, you’re right. But I found it open about a month after the year started and I’ve come back here a bunch of times. People walk by all the time and I’ve never been approached. No one seems to care. Or maybe they just don’t notice,” the blonde shrugged, taking the chain and lock inside with him. Leon begrudgingly followed.

                “How do you get the chain on the outside again? Sort of obvious someone’s in here without it hanging there.”

                “You don’t, which is why I think no one really cares.”

                “Oh. Why do I have to keep it a secret, then?”

                “Because I don’t know for sure that no one really cares.”

                “Oh,” Leon deadpanned. Zell laughed as he leaned over and gently laid the chain on the floor so it wouldn’t clatter around.

                The room was dark, but after a moment of regulation, Leon’s Carrier eyes adjusted and he could see just how huge it was. It was almost like a warehouse, but had cloth wrapped foam squares on the walls near the ceiling; soundproofing. There was a sea of cloth covered lumps of varying sizes covering the floor, some bigger than Leon himself. It was a storage room of some sort, and judging by how much dust was caked on everything, it had been that way for a long while. Zell seemed to know where he was going amongst the mess, because he reached over and took Leon’s hand and began to lead him between the mounds and lumps towards the center of the room.

                The blonde knew his way around mostly by following the familiar path of bumps and lumps with his fingertips. He couldn’t see nearly as well as Leon could, but he had been there enough to get where he needed to go with relative ease. There were windows, and he had learned the general layout of his discovery by means of what little daylight streamed in during his early excursions there. It didn’t take him long to memorize a pathway.

                In the middle of the room was a small clearing. Most of the bigger lumps of cloth had been pushed back to reveal a cloudy hardwood floor underneath with just enough space walk around easily. In the center of the clearing was another tented cloth that was in the shape of a cube that was taller than Leon. Next to that was a lantern. Zell knew the general vicinity of where the lantern was and felt around with his foot in the dark until he bumped into it. After picking it up and opening the little door in the side, he stood still for a moment.

                A thin glowing green line slowly spread itself around his feet in a circle as the blonde called a bit of Eden’s energy to help him. Wisps of the Lifestream and the ethereal purplish orbs filtered up from the floor and spun themselves around one of Zell’s arms and gathered on his hand. He reached into the lantern and snapped his fingers and immediately opened them afterward. A spark spurt from his digits that lasted barely a second before a flame took its place. It hovered hardly half an inch from the blonde’s open palm. He moved it inward and lit the lantern’s wick before pulling it back and giving his palm a firm shake. The wisps fell from his arm and drifted back to the ground, returning to Eden. Leon was fascinated.

                “I didn’t know you could do that,” the brunette said, dumbfounded. Zell shrugged.

                “I don’t have much an affinity for fire so I can’t do very much with it, but I’m learning,” he said, holding the lantern out for Leon to take. “Hold this.”

                The Carrier took it and gave it an inquisitive look over. “I see. Of course this begs the question of why you need a candle when you have umpteen amounts of technology at your disposal.”

                “No light bulbs, and fuck if I’m getting up on a million foot ladder to screw one in. This is easier,” Zell said, moving to the side of the cloth covered cube. He grabbed the sheet and gave it firm yank, letting it pool at his feet.

                “Whoa,” Leon said. It was a standing piano.

                “Not what you were expecting?” the blonde asked, giving his friend a smile.

                “Not in the least.”

                “Good. I’m glad.”

                “Are all of these instruments?” the brunette asked, looking around at the room full of clothy mountains.

                “Yeah. This used to be the rehearsal room for the orchestra from back in the day, I think. Don’t know why this hasn’t all been sold off or something, but maybe the Headmaster is like Selphie and hopes to bring back the old celebrations one day or something,” Zell guessed. He stepped to Leon again and made to take the lantern from him, but stopped and simply stared at his face for a moment, looking surprised.

                “Something wrong?” the brunette asked, wondering if he was making a strange expression because of his scar without realizing it. Zell shook his head a bit.

                “Just watching your eyes do… pretty things,” the cadet said, studying the candlelight reflecting off the Carrier’s cat-like eyes.

                “Oh… Uhm… thank you?” Leon guessed.

                “No problem,” Zell said with another smile, taking the lantern then. He set it on the top of the back of the piano and pulled the bench out from under the keys. He sat, giving Leon an expectant look. Patting the seat, he smiled. "Come sit."

                The Carrier did as he was told and took a seat. The bench was smaller than he realized and they ended up with their sides almost flush together. Leon had to laugh a little. "Your ass is fatter than I thought it was," he jabbed.

                "Hey, don't complain," Zell said, nudging his friend lightly. The brunette attempted to give him more room and take as little of the seat as possible, but the blonde stopped him. "You're not bothering me. Stop trying to run away."

                "I'm not running, per se. More like scooting," Leon said.

                "Even still. You're warm and it's sort of cold in here."

                "I didn't realize it was."

                "Yeah, well, now you do," the blonde said, putting a hand on the other's thigh and pulling him back across the seat to where Leon originally was. The brunette could feel the color coming up to his cheeks some, but Zell wasn't paying attention as he settled his hands over the keys.

                He began to play. The notes didn't echo as much as Leon thought it would, and he was surprised when he realized how enclosed the sound was. The soundproofing was certainly doing its job, but with nothing else in the room to accompany the gentle plinking of the keys, it felt very solitary. The slow and somber tone of the music helped add to the feeling considerably, and the Carrier found himself easily swayed into a mindset of peaceful nothingness.

                Leon hadn't known what to expect, but with Zell's bright personality, he felt the soft, almost depressing tone of the notes was unfitting. *It was a careful combination of slow moving chords with a light chain of equally as slow moving notes to act as the melody. The blonde was playing with his eyes closed, and when Leon realized that, he was fascinated. He didn't know Zell had any sort of musical talent, but the knowledge only added to the brunette's interest in him. Leon had never considered music much before. In fact, it was perhaps something that was the furthest from his constantly moving thoughts. However, he couldn't deny the soothing quality it had and how easily it was to just sit and listen.

                **The music was repetitive, but after playing it for several minutes, Zell's hands changed to adding more chords to the underlying movement and overlaying melody until it changed into something similar, but different. The more complex music, which came from the blonde’s memory and nowhere else, was much more impressive. Leon was intrigued, but could feel a bit of regret pull at him. It felt wrong to have the feelings he did towards Zell. Not because of any sudden aversion to homosexuality, but because he knew he'd eventually have to leave Zell behind. Then what would he have? He'd have Cloud. But according to Reno, he was supposed to have the same feelings for Cloud that he did for Zell because he was his Charge. Leon didn't even like being around his Charge let alone feel anything close to what he felt for Zell. The situation he was putting himself in was becoming more and more clear. It was shaping up to be a long future if things didn't change.

"Did I upset you?" Zell asked, his voice breaking through the Carrier's wave of dreadful realization. Leon had become so absorbed in his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed that the music stopped.

                Quickly shaking his head, the brunette pulled his mind back in again. "No. I was just thinking."

                "Apparently it wasn't something very good because you looked like you were about to fall onto the ground and start sobbing."

                Leon forced a smile. "No, that's just my thinking face."

                "That's unsettling," Zell said, lifting a brow.

                "Sorry."

                "Don't apologize."

                "Okay. But I'm alright. Really."

                "You sure?"

                "Yes."

                "Really sure?"

                Leon cast a tiny glare in the blonde's direction. "Yes, Zell, I'm sure."

                "Okay," the blonde trailed. He wasn't convinced but decided not to push the subject anymore. Straightening in his seat, he was getting ready to start playing again when Leon stopped him. The brunette laid a hand on the other's wrist.

                "Teach me," he said. Zell's eyebrows raised and he looked at the Carrier quizzically.

                "Teach you? The piano?"

                "Yeah," the brunette said with a tiny shrug. He took his hand away and folded it with the other one in his lap. "Unless you don't want to. That's okay too."

                "No no! I can try. I just didn't expect you to want to play, is all," Zell said, a smile spreading across his face.

                Again, Leon shrugged. "How am I ever supposed to relax if we get separated?" he asked. Did the Carrier actually feel the need to learn to play the piano? No, he really didn't. Music was nice and it served a certain purpose, he supposed, but it wasn't a skill he considered necessary. He would've never have gone out of his way to learn it had Zell not been there. But because Zell was there, he wanted to play. It was a tiny piece of the blonde he could take with him and have for the rest of his life.

                "Well, I don't know. You could learn how to masturbate. That might be easier," Zell said. Leon laughed. "It's true! You don't understand how much it blows my mind that you don't, man. It's weird, I have to say."

                "Sorry."

                "Nah, it's okay. To each their own."

                "Did you want to teach me that, too?" Leon asked.

                Zell's smile faltered a little as the statement blindsided him. "Huh?"

                "Wow, I'm just catching you off guard all over the place today, aren't I?"

                "Uh, yeah. Just a bit," the blonde said, taking a minute to absorb the question. He shook his head a little, mostly out of disbelief. "But what sort of friend would I be if I turned you down?" he asked with a smirk.

                "A crazy one, probably," the brunette said simply, leaning a little closer. They were practically sitting on top of one another on the tiny bench as it was, and Zell was more than happy to meet him halfway to share a brief kiss.

                Or at least, it was meant to be brief. They both couldn't decide if the other was going to pull away or not, so when they parted for a half second and realized neither of them were going anywhere, they went back for more. It was the first time Zell had ever felt Leon's tongue, and the Carrier was almost painfully aware of that fact. He knew that the blonde knew there was something different about it already, which didn't make the anticipation of a disgusted withdrawal any less hurtful. However, he was surprised.

 

                Zell didn't pull away like Rinoa had. There was a slight hesitation at the initial feeling but it was gone in an instant. The blonde even went so far as to turn towards the brunette and loosely wrap his arms around the other's neck, pulling them closer. Leon responded by hooking an arm around the blonde's waist and settling the other on the seat next to them for balance.

                There was a difference in dynamic that wasn't lost on the Carrier. The motions were the same, and the idea was the same, but there was a spark he felt with Zell that he didn't with Rinoa. Zell was a complete package, Leon felt. The fact that the blonde wasn't the greatest at the academic things didn't even matter to the Carrier compared to the other things Zell gave him. The immediate acceptance of who and what he was despite not having all the answers was the most valuable thing the brunette had ever come across in his entire life. It wasn't necessarily important, and needed in order to function, but it was something he could cherish without hesitation or second guessing.

                Cloud was an important thing, but he wasn't valued. Leon could find another Charge if need be. In fact, he _wanted_ a different one. He wanted Zell. There were several occasions in the recent past where the Carrier wondered if the Technicians would notice if 'Cloud' suddenly shrank about six inches and got a tattoo on his face. He wasn't deluded enough to think they were that stupid, but it was a nice idea. Leon was stuck with Cloud whether he liked it or not, so he would have to make the most of his time with Zell as he could; even if it meant making things more painful for him later. He wanted to hold onto that blind acceptance for as long as he could.

 

\---

 

"I think I love him," Leon mumbled, his words even more distorted by the fact that he was talking into his sleeve. It was later that evening, and he was in Rude's room in the infirmary sitting in a chair across from Reno as the redhead sat on the bed. Rude was in the shower. After spending a half hour with his mouth attached to Zell's on the piano bench, the air had gotten too heavy for both of them. There was a mutual agreement that they would take a baby step back and meet up again where it was A) more comfortable and B) not so spontaneous. Leon could appreciate the levelheadedness because he could not honestly say how he would've handled any clothing being removed, and he wanted to be aware of himself enough so he could stop before he had a panic attack. But that left him with pent up hormones, and now he was sitting in an armchair with his legs pulled up to his chest, attempting to hide behind them and his forearms like a shy pre-teen.

                Reno raised a surprised brow. "Wait, what? Did I hear that right? You said you think you love him?" he asked.

                "It wasn't supposed to happen," the brunette mumbled again, looking off to the side as the warmth and color crept up to his ears. Reno didn't seem very happy with the notion. In fact, his face was distraught.

                "Yeah, I would hope not. You're hurting yourself."

                "I know."

                "You can't take him with you."

                "I know."

                "Don't even try to think up some stupid idea that'll get your ass handed to you, either."

                "I'm not."

                "Good."

                "Not good."

                "I know," Reno said, letting out a long sigh. He ran his hands through his hair. "This sucks. I want to be happy for you, but this actually scares the shit out of me."

                "I thought you wanted me to have a boyfriend," Leon said flatly.

                "That was a joke. I was teasing you because it's my job. I only wanted you to loosen up and have fun, not find yourself a husband."

                "He's not anywhere near that level."

                "Not yet, he isn't."

                "Stop it, Reno. You know it isn't like that."

                "Well _excuse_ me for being confused! I've never seen you like this! You came in here like a moping puppy and fell into my chair and then dropped a bomb on me. How the hell am I supposed to react?"

                "I have no idea! I told you because I was hoping you'd have some grand idea for me like you always do! I don't know how to handle this," the brunette said.

                "My best advice for you is to stop seeing him and get out of here as fast as you can. See if Cloud can be transferred to a hospital in town," the redhead said. Immediately, the brunette's expression fell and an overwhelming sense of foreboding came over him. Reno's brows pushed together; instantly upset. "Or not! Please don't cry; I don't think I can handle that," he said quickly, holding his hands up.

                "What? I'm not going to," Leon said, scrunching his face into a scowl.

                "Oh. Good. You just made this face like your entire world was crushed."

                "Sort of felt like it was."

                "Sorry, but I can't think of what else you can do," Reno said, letting out another sigh. In the background, he could hear the shower switching off. Rude was finished. "Unless you want to keep talking about this in front of Rude, you should probably scoot. Get some sleep."

                "I need to check on Cloud," the brunette mumbled. He stood from his seat and left quietly, heading towards his Charge's room. Reno felt like he should've tried to reach out and comfort his friend more, but he couldn't decide how it would've gone over. He quietly promised to make up for it later somehow.

                The coppery smell of his Charge's infirmary room wasn't comforting to Leon. It churned his stomach every time he walked into it. The blood wasn't being dealt with anymore, but to him the smell clung to the walls like a thick sludge. Despite that, he pulled a chair across the room and sat it next to the head of Cloud's bed so he could see the other's face. He found himself staring at his Charge with resentment

                ' _Fuck_...' he thought to himself, letting his face drop into his hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCfowliTnlo
> 
> **http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2vKkYvUdXc
> 
> In the end, this is a Kingdom Hearts fic, ya'll.


	54. Chapter 54

**Chapter 54**

           Reno and Rude left a few days later. Leon knew he'd see them again relatively soon, but it was a humbling reminder that he was on his own now. There was always the option of calling Reno up if he needed someone to talk to, but the brunette figured he needed to start to learn to think for himself a little more. He couldn't see Cloud sticking around him very much once they crossed over and went back to the facility, so Leon was trying to get used to the idea of being more or less alone and forced to find out how he liked to live. He was sure Reno didn't want to spend his days tied to the Catalogue Terminal with a phone call, advising him on what he should and shouldn't do.

            For Reno, parting ways again was bittersweet. He'd miss Leon while they were apart, and worry about him being a downer all the time, but he was happy to have the alone time with Rude. Conversely, Rude was happy to leave the Garden and go wherever Reno needed to take him. Balamb, as a whole, was too much for him. Midgar was very rough-and-tumble in comparison to the other side and he felt horribly out of place. It wasn't as bad for him as it was for Cloud, but he was still extremely foreign. He worried about coming off as barbaric like most of Midgar did and subsequently insulting someone without meaning to. Saying goodbye sounded okay to him if it meant he could feel like himself again.

            Once the pair was gone for a couple days, Leon realized how full his days were going to get. Between Zell fogging up most of his thinking space during every moment of every day, and Cloud's physical improvement, Leon was going to have too many blondes to deal with in one sitting. His Charge was doing much better, and was due to wake up soon if things kept on the way they were. His back had healed enough to where the damage moved with him and wouldn't tear open at the slightest amount of tension. The tubes and wires keeping him stable and under watch were removed save for a few; the most important being the one that monitored his irregular heartbeat.

            His back was bandaged and he was moved to a normal bed and set up in a recovery room similar to where Rude had been staying. He would need medication to manage the pain, and it would still be a while before he could get up and be normal again, but it was a vast improvement to where he was several weeks before. Leon wasn't sure how he felt about Cloud being able to talk to him again and considered keeping his distance. There was no immediate threat to the blonde's life now that Seifer was under watch so Cloud should be safe, right? Not so much.

            "Give us a minute," Leon said as he stood next to Cloud's bed.

            "Sure," Zell agreed, patting the brunette on the back a few times before taking his leave. His friend had come with him for moral support and had been standing around with the Carrier for the last several minutes, attempting to convince Leon things were okay. That he didn't need to worry about leaving Cloud alone again if he needed to. Leon wasn't convinced, but appreciated the attempted support anyway.

            The brunette looked to Cloud's nurses and gave them a tiny nod. They turned and switched off the line of chemicals keeping his Charge unconscious. They worked on switching the feed over to the pain killers Cloud would need to feel somewhat human again. Once they were finished, which only took a few minutes, they left quietly and Leon and Cloud were finally alone.

            Several tense minutes ticked by as the brunette waited for his Charge to wake up. He was beginning to think Cloud wasn't going to since it felt like an eternity of waiting, but the blonde eventually peeled his eyes open and blearily stared ahead of himself. Leon didn't make a move to jump into his line of sight and start poking at him right away, and let Cloud blink a few times and try to come to his senses. The Charge couldn't see very well just yet, and his field of view was narrow at best. After a few more minutes of adjustment, his peripheral vision started to come back to him and he noticed Leon standing to his side, staring at him.

            "Go away," the blonde rasped, his voice getting caught in his airway as he tried to say more. He cleared his throat a few times, his brows scrunching together.

            "No," Leon said simply, pulling a chair close to the bed. He sat, leaning back in the chair comfortably. Cloud was confused. He was trying to pull together what had happened and why he felt so different, but he couldn't remember much. The last thing he could remember with any sort of clarity was being slapped across the face by one of his nurses. There were other instances before and after that, but they were very muddled and he doubted how real they were.

            "What happened?" he asked.

            "You were attacked," Leon said.

            "Oh. That's nice."

            "You have a very skewed view of what 'nice' is."

            "Sarcasm," the blonde said, clearing his throat again. Picking up an arm, Cloud looked at his palm whilst moving his fingers some. It felt like a massive effort on his part and he let it drop onto the bed again, heaving a heavy sigh. After a few minutes of waking up, he could tell he felt better. Despite the overall weakness he felt, there wasn't a nauseating sickness sucking him down anymore. He felt human. Tired, weak, and a little cold, but human nonetheless. He looked to Leon again. "Why did you bring me here?" he asked.

            "What do you mean? You know why we're here," Leon said, scowling.

            "You said I was attacked. You had to have known this was going to happen."

            "What? I didn't."

            "Sure you did. Just because this place has more flowers than my home does, doesn't mean the people here piss rainbows and angel feathers," Cloud said, his dry and underused vocal cords fighting him for every word. The longer he stayed awake, the angrier he became as he thought about what happened. He wasn't sure of the details, but whatever happened was enough to knock him flat and stomp him into the dirt. Even though he was less sick, the physical weakness was more than he had before. At the very least, he could lift his arms and keep them up for a while before whatever happened to him happened.

            "I don't understand," Leon said.

            "Are you really that stupid? I'm not from here. Balamb and Midgar are at war. Of course I'm going to be attacked if I come over here. Stop playing dumb."

            "I didn't bring you over here for that purpose. You know I didn't. I brought you here to recover so we could leave again."

            "If this is your idea of 'recovery' I really don't want to know what your idea of destruction is."

            "You're confused. Do you remember what happened at all?"

            "No. But I know I was doing better before whatever went down."

            "But you weren't."

            "I could lift my arm and hold it up for more than thirty seconds before."

            "You've been asleep for weeks, Cloud. Of course you're going to feel weak."

            "Weeks?!" the blonde sputtered, staring at the brunette with wide eyes.

            "Yes. Weeks. The people here helped you after you were attacked and took the opportunity to help you get past most of your Mako withdrawal."

            "What?"

            Leon shrugged. "I told you that you were doing better. Give yourself a while to wake up and feel normal again before you decide we didn't do anything good to you. They took a bad situation and gave it a positive spin. If you want more details than that, I can give them to you, but I don't think you'll understand completely."

            "Try me."

            "Your blood was what was making you sick. We took all your old blood out and gave you new blood," Leon explained. It occurred to him how terrifying and sort of ridiculous the procedure sounded when simplified. Cloud stared at him for several minutes.

            "You can't do that. That's a lie."

            "No, we really can. And we did."

            "You can't give blood back once you take it away."

            "Yes you can."

            "No. That's weird."

            "Well, it happens."

            "But it's weird!"

            "Want to know something else that's extra weird, then?"

            "Not really."

            " _My_ blood is in you."

            "What?!" Cloud barked, his arms coming up to his chest. He hugged himself and looked down at his skin, expecting it to look different somehow. Leon couldn't help himself as a grin started to spread across his face. He looked away and tried to cover it with his hand, a short laugh escaping him. The look of absolute horror on Cloud's face was priceless.

            "Sorry," he mumbled against his hand.

            "Stop laughing at me. That's fucked up. You're fucked up. You people do weird fucked up shit and I don't like it. All this blood play shit is too much. I don't want to be here anymore," the blonde said.

            "Calm down. You'll understand eventually. Once we're out of here, I'll teach you everything you need to know."

            "I don't want you to teach me anything. Brainwashing me into making me give people my blood."

            "None of the blood you have right now is yours, really."

            "Stop it!"

            "But it's true."

            "Stop!" Cloud spat, pulling his blanket up to his chin. Leon could see that the blonde didn't think that his stories were very funny and that his horror was legitimate. He let out a sigh and gave his Charge a semi-apologetic face.

            "Alright, alright. Calm down," the brunette said. "You need to be careful moving around. I don't know how much you can feel but your back is pretty well sliced to ribbons. It's only partially healed."

            "What?" the blonde said confusedly, scrunching his brows together. He twisted his arm around and ran his fingers over part of the expanse of bandages that covered his back. Wincing, he could tell that it was tender in some places, but for the most part the skin was numb. Settling back again, he looked down at his hands as he tried to pull his foggy memories together. After several minutes, he let out a dejected sigh as he was met with little success.

            "What're you thinking about?" Leon asked, taking in his Charge's expression.

            "Trying to remember what happened."

            "I see. Do you know who Seifer is?"

            "No?"

            "Tall blonde guy? Usually wears a long gray coat? Sort of a jackass?"

            "No."

            "He's the one that hurt you. Him and a friend."

            "Because Balamb told him to, I bet."

            "No, he's just an asshole."

            "I don't believe that for a second," Cloud scoffed, letting his head drop back against the bed again. He stared up at the ceiling for several minutes. The quiet loomed in the crevices of the room, clogging the open space and making it feel closed in. He didn't like not being able to remember things, especially things that were important. "Did I at least fight back?" he asked, genuinely curious.

            "I don't think so, no. You were pretty well tweaked on Mako."

            "Mako? Where did I get that from?"

            "Seifer, I think."

            "I don't understand," Cloud said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

            "You don't have to. It's over and done with."

            "I'd like to try, still."

            "Well, you think on it, then. Let me know if you come up with anything," Leon said, standing. Cloud raised a brow.

            "Where are you going?" he asked.

            "I sort of doubted you wanted me to stay. You told me to stay away from you before you were attacked. I'm here because I wanted to make sure you were okay. I see that you are, so I'll go now," the Carrier said simply.

            There was a long hesitation as Cloud thought over whether or not he wanted Leon to stay. The brunette hung around for the duration of the pause, but once it dragged on too long, he started walking away again. Cloud spoke up before he was able to get past the doorway. "Would things have been different had you been here?" he asked.

            Leon didn't know how he should interpret that question. He turned and looked back at his Charge. "My guilt tells me it would've been," he said with a half-shrug.

            "Guilt?"

            "Part of my duty as your Carrier is to keep you safe. I failed to do so. At the same time, though, I don't normally sleep in here regardless so I can't say for sure if it would've changed anything. It happened really late. I was supposed to be asleep."

            "Why weren't you?" Cloud asked, furrowing his brows. Again, Leon shrugged.

            "I worry about you, and that keeps me up. I came to check on you and that's when I found out you were missing," he said. It was only a partial lie.

            "Oh. Then there really isn't a point in me telling you to stay away, is there?"

            "What do you mean?"

            "Well, if you come check on me anyway, then you aren't really staying away. It's less weird if you check on me when I'm awake, though."

            "True enough."

            "Okay, so, you can stay. But not right now. I want to go back to sleep and I don't need you watching me like a creep," Cloud said, pulling his blanket up to his chin and shifting a bit so he was almost laying on his side. Admittedly, it took more effort than he would've liked.

            "You make it sound like watching you sleep is a thrilling experience."

            "Well, I can tell you it isn't, so go away."

            "Okay," Leon agreed. He stepped out of the room and had the door closed most of the way when Cloud interrupted him again.

            "I don't mean 'go away' permanently," the blonde rectified.

            "I know, Cloud," the brunette said.

            "So you're coming back."

            "Yes, Cloud."

            "I'm not going to be hurt again."

            "Not if I can help it."

            "That's not a guarantee," Cloud said. Leon sighed and pushed the door open again and gave his Charge an annoyed bland face. The expression faded when he noticed that the blonde was watching the door close with wide eyes. He could see the fear and the skepticism that Cloud probably didn't mean for him to see. Leon decided against calling him out on it.

            "If you get up and walk into the doorframe on the way to the bathroom, I can't guarantee that it won't hurt you, no," he said. It was a feeble attempt to lighten the air.

            "That's not what I meant."

            "I know. I don't know of anyone else who has the capacity to come and hurt you simply because you're here, though. You don't have to worry about Seifer, so I'm pretty sure you can rest easy."

            "I'm not convinced."

            The back and forth was becoming tedious. "Did you want me to stay?" Leon asked.

            "No," Cloud said quickly, his attention shifting so he was staring at the wall. The brunette watched him carefully for a moment, feeling that the blonde's denial was somewhat childish. And it was. Cloud wasn't willing to admit he was nervous about being left alone again, especially since his amount of respect for the Carrier was minimal and he sincerely doubted Leon could do much even if he stayed. But at the very least he figured that if someone was with him, they'd make enough noise if something bad was happening and he'd wake up so he could defend himself. But, that would mean he'd have to put aside what was left of his pride and ask for help, which he wasn't willing to do.

            "Okay," Leon agreed and left without further interruption. Once the door clicked closed behind him, the Carrier took a moment to wonder if he wanted to stay or not. Zell was in the lobby and he gave the brunette a curious once-over.

            "Everything alright?" he asked, getting out of his seat. Leon nodded.

            "Yeah. He's okay. Completely oblivious, but okay."

            "Did you want to stay?"

            "I... don't know."

            "Are you worried something will happen if you don't?"

            "I'm always worried."

            "Well, that's irrational. I don't think you should be."

            "You're probably right."

            "I am right. C'mon, let's get some lunch."

\---

            "So, Reno had posed a question to me before he left that I'm sort of curious about," Leon said. After a decent lunch, the pair decided to go back to Zell's room so the blonde could study. And by 'study' it was implied that he was going to end up doing nothing of the sort and they'd probably just visit with one another.

            "What question was that?" Zell asked, turning a curious eye to his friend.

            "Well..." Leon trailed, trying to think of phrasing that didn't make him sound like a pompous ass. "Despite my rather stick-like figure, I'm actually a lot stronger than a lot of people would believe."

            "I've heard the stories," the blonde said.

            "Oh... well that saves me half the work, then. Reno was curious to find out who would win an arm wrestling match; you or me? And by you I mean just you. Not you and Eden's hocus pocus."

            Zell pursed his lips thoughtfully. "That's actually a good question. Now I'm wondering, too. Let's figure it out," he said, moving to the small table that was off to the side of his living space. He shuffled the books and miscellaneous tidbits off of it so they'd have a clear surface. He sat in the stool on one side of the table and motioned for Leon to take the other. The Carrier sat.

            "I've never actually done this before," he admitted. His friend raised a brow.

            "Really? Do you know how it works?"

            "Yeah."

            "Okay good," Zell said, settling his elbow on the surface with his hand in the air. Leon did the same and pressed their palms together.

            "Ready when you are," he said.

            "Okay. One, two--" the other said before pushing a bit against the brunette's hand. The match started and Zell gave a bit of resistance, doubting how much Leon could actually do. The Carrier was quick to shove his hand back against the tabletop; it was over in less than twenty seconds. He immediately sat back with a scowl.

            "You weren't even trying," he said grumpily.

            "Sorry," Zell mumbled, staring down at the table. "I didn't want to hurt you."

            "You're not going to."

            "You sure about that?"

            "Yes."

            "Because I did this once with Seifer, and he's just about as big as I am, and I bashed his hand against the table so hard I had to get him bandages--"

            "Zell. I'll be fine."

            "You're sure?"

            "Yes."

            "...Okay," the blonde said, the apprehension obvious in his voice. He put his arm up again and Leon met him. "Ready? One, two--" Zell counted, the second match starting right after. This time, though, he did try. He was genuinely surprised when Leon was able to push back with just as much force, keeping their arms straight on the table. After a short while, though, Zell could feel the burn in his forearm from the resistance and shortly after that, Leon was able to push his hand back to the tabletop. This time, the match lasted almost two minutes.

            When it was finished, Zell stared at Leon with a bit of a furrow in his brow. However, he wasn't angry; far from it in fact. He was intrigued. Throughout his life he had never been able to find someone as strong as he was, which was good for his pride, but it also meant for an amusing game of seek-and-find. He was always looking for someone who could overpower him without any weaponry or Eden's touch just to see if such a person existed.

            "Sorry," Leon said abruptly, sitting back with his hands folded in his lap. He took Zell's long perplexed moment of silence as a negative thing. The blonde quickly shook his head.

            "No no no! You're fine. But, I want to try again," he said, tugging at the snaps that held his gloves to his wrists. He let them drop to the table, and Leon jumped a little with the heavy _thud_ that followed. "They're weighted. They hold me back," Zell said.

            “Oh. Okay,” Leon said, scooting back to the table again. Once more, they brought their hands together, and Zell counted down for them. The match started like the others had, with them evenly matched, but as time went on, the differences started to show. Well over the five minute mark was when Zell started to struggle. Leon could see the effort the blonde was putting forth from the tension in his bicep and brow, but his friend held in there. It was almost to ten minutes when his own arm started to hurt. But just as he started to struggle, Zell relented and let his arm fall back against the table, a little breathless. He stared at the brunette with no shortage of amazement, color slowly creeping up his neck to spread across his face.

            “Wow...” he said, pulling his hand away from the table to settle it in his lap. Leon didn’t know how to handle such a reaction. Aside from Reno, who knew where he was coming from, Leon had yet to meet someone who gave him even the slightest hint of positivity to his abnormal strength.

            “Is your hand okay?” he asked when Zell didn’t say anything after a while.

            The blonde nodded. “Yeah. I just...” he trailed a tiny laugh as he shifted his eyes to the floor.

            “Are you upset?”

            “No. I’m really not. I’m-- you...” Zell stuttered a bit. He turned himself away and stood. “Give me a few minutes,” he said and went to his bathroom. The door slid closed behind him, leaving Leon alone and very confused in his living space.

            After a while of waiting, the awkwardness started picking at Leon and he thought it best that he should leave and give Zell some space. His friend said he wasn’t upset, but the Carrier felt he was being dishonest. Leon didn’t want to push his luck and quietly went to retrieve his shoes. However, just as he stood to leave, Zell came back and stopped him.

            “You’re leaving?” the blonde asked. Leon hardly glanced at him as he nodded.

            “It was my stupid idea to try arm wrestling in the first place and now you’re upset with me. Had I known that’s what would’ve happened, I wouldn’t have said anything. I honestly didn’t think I’d win. So, I’m going to go, and you can find me when you feel we’re okay again,” he said. Zell’s face slowly peered around his arm and into his field of vision, the blonde’s eyebrows high on his forehead.

            “I told you I wasn’t upset,” he said simply.

            “I know.”

            “So why don’t you believe me?”

            “Because I think you’re just saying that so I don’t feel as bad.”

            “Well stop it, because I’m really not upset.”

            “Then why did you leave?” Leon asked. Zell’s attention shifted to the floor and he laughed a bit under his breath. The brunette turned to him so they could talk properly.

            “Ever since I started taking my strength seriously, which was since I was a kid pretty much, I’ve been looking for someone who could match me or do better. I’m the best at what I do simply because I am; not because I strive to be. I’m not that sort of guy. I like the idea of going toe-to-toe with someone and getting a good fight; maybe winning, but having the possibility of losing too. When I was younger it was to find friends that I wouldn’t end up hurting if we got rough doing dumb kid stuff, but now that I’m older, it’s more than that,” Zell explained, the color slowly spreading across his cheeks again as he focused on the floor, unable to look Leon in the eye. “That sort of strength-- your sort of strength is... really sexy. I had to excuse myself before I did something stupid and made you really uncomfortable. Sorry. I’m not upset with you.”

            Leon didn't know what to say or how to react. He had spent so many years limiting himself and forcing himself to remember to be gentle with things so he wasn't seen as an alien that it was just a habit. The idea of someone not immediately freaking out when he did show his strength - his normal strength - was really refreshing. However, the idea of someone thinking he was sexy because of it was something that was beyond strange for him. He didn't know what to do with that information. No one had ever told him he was sexy before. Reno had called him cute a few times over the course of his life, but that was different.

            "Um... I wouldn't get ahead of yourself with that one," Leon finally said after a long awkward pause. Zell seemed genuinely confused.

            "What do you mean?" he asked.

            "I'm not... sexy. I'm weird."

            "I don't think you are."

            "Well, the majority rules in this instance. A lot of people think I am."

            "Are all those people your friends?"

            "No."

            "Then why should what they think matter to you?" Zell asked. Leon hesitated for a moment before he shrugged. Zell was his friend. What he thought mattered to Leon. But there was a detail missing that kept the Carrier from believing the blonde's confession and taking it as something positive. All it did was make him extremely aware of how flawed he really was. Even if Zell liked his strength... the rest of him wasn't quite as attractive.

            "I don't know," the brunette mumbled after thinking about it. The reality was that he cared way more about what Zell thought versus what the general populace did. It was a very real possibility that Zell would reject him once he dug a little deeper, which was terrifying.

            "Okay, then tell me why I shouldn't think you're sexy. Tell me what you think, not what the others want you to think."

            "...You haven't seen me naked," the Carrier murmured, his eyes focusing on the floor.

            "Then let's fix that," the blonde said, crossing his arms over his chest matter-of-factly. Leon scowled.

            "Zell, I really don't think--"

            "Stop. You're arguing an opinion with me and that's a really quick way to get under my skin," Zell said with a scowl of his own. "You don't have to agree with me, but if you want to argue with me you need to give me proof that my opinion is wrong. So come on. Show me."

            "This isn't--"

            "What you expected it would be?"

            "Yes. Stripping for you makes me uncomfortable."

            "Because we're not working on having sex?"

            "Something like that," Leon said. He felt like he was being preyed on. Like Zell was using this as an excuse to get what he wanted out of him versus actually trying to help him. The 'let's get naked' mentality wasn't mutual.

            "Well, you derailed that with whatever your issue is. If it makes you feel better, this isn't something I'm going to get off on. I'll have you know that I spend a good part of my day in a locker room full of mostly naked, completely naked, and partially naked smelly dudes and I don't get off on that either. This is sort of the same idea. It's neutral territory for me."

            Just from Zell's tone Leon could tell the blonde was annoyed. He didn't blame him; in fact, he would've been surprised had Zell remained his normal self. The constant back and forth had to have been grating on his friend's resolve; the constant teasing but always pulling away was too much. Leon was waiting for Zell's patience to dry up with him and now that he could tell it was, he was conflicted. He didn't want to make the blonde angry and be pushed away, but if he did what Zell wanted and the blonde was wrong and suddenly felt Leon really was ugly and flawed, then he would get the same result. In Leon's mind, there wasn't a chance in the world that Zell would be okay with him once the clothes came off. There was just too much damage.

            Leon heaved a heavy shaky sigh. "Okay," he said quietly. He was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.

            "Good," Zell said, holding a hand out for him. The Carrier took it and the blonde led him towards the bedroom. "I just want to know what you think is so wrong. You don't have to go farther than that if you don't want to."

            "At that point, what's the use of keeping any of it on?" Leon asked, a wrinkle in his brow.

            "That's up to you," the blonde insisted, letting go of his hand and turning to sit on the bed. Leon stood in front of him awkwardly, looking everywhere else but Zell's face. After a long few minutes of nothing, the blonde spoke up. "Your lack of confidence in yourself isn't very sexy, I have to say."

            "Sorry," the brunette said.

            "I have no idea why you're like that, either. You didn't come off as very confident even before Midgar, so I don't think it's that. So now I'm wondering. Fuck, I could've stomped Seifer into the ground any time I wanted to _and_ his dick is smaller than mine but he still strutted around like a pompous asshole like he owned the place. You, on the other hand, could probably beat my ass senseless, your dick is probably fine, and yet you still make me feel like I'm breaking you in half just because I want to know why you don't think you're hot shit. I don't get it."

            "Sorry."

            "Don't apologize. You're hurting yourself more than you're hurting me. You really could be top dog if you wanted to be, Leon. But right now... you're fragile. I don't know how long you've been like this but I really don't like seeing it."

            "Sorry. I'll try to hide it better."

            "That's not what I want. I want you to fix it."

            "Not sure I can."

            "You can start by showing me. I'll try to help."

            Leon glanced at Zell in disbelief. He knew there wasn't anything Zell could do to fix his damage, but the lack of judgment in his eyes and his history of acceptance up until that point couldn't be disregarded. Taking another deep breath, the Carrier timidly tugged up the hem of his shirt and pulled the fabric up over his head. It was agonizingly slow, and as soon as it was gone, he felt horribly exposed. He felt like his scars were hurling rocks at Zell's face that were labeled _weakness, disgrace, cowardice, ugly_ , and all the other feelings the Carrier felt regarding the marks and how they got there. Leon could only put up with standing there idly for half a minute. He made his way to the bed and sat heavily, hugging himself as he tried to curl inward and hide. He stared at the floor, unable to look the blonde in the eye.

            The gears in Zell's head were turning, trying to discern why there was so much damage and how it could've possibly gotten there. He didn't know much about Esthar and usually avoided asking Leon about it because the Carrier always seemed to not want to talk about it. With what he was seeing, he wasn't entirely convinced the nation was all sunshine and roses. He had images in his head of Leon being beaten, held against his will, and forced to bend to someone else's wishes. Possibly the government's wishes. Why else would Leon want to hide himself? Why else would he have left his home when he's so young? As far as Zell could tell, they were old wounds, so whatever happened had to have been done a while ago. Was Leon experimented on when he was a child? Tortured? Is that why he was so abnormally strong without Eden's assistance? Why else would he join the other side to fight in the war? Finding Cloud was all well and good, but there had to be a catalyst to start the reaction. None of the scenarios the blonde could think of were very good. But, he didn't ask Leon. There was obvious pain associated with the marks that he didn't want to perpetuate anymore.

            "I'm sorry you've been hurt so much," the blonde said carefully, watching the Carrier closely.  He wouldn't admit to it, obviously, but he could agree with Leon that the scars were unattractive. In his mind, however, there were worse things to have on one's body. They could've been open weeping sores portraying a disease or something similar.

            Cautiously, he scooted closer to the brunette and smoothed a hand over the other's back across his shoulders. Leon's body tensed and broke out in light goosebumps. He wasn't used to people being able to touch the skin on his torso directly and it made him shiver. Zell pulled him to his chest and wrapped his arms around the Carrier lightly, resting his chin on the top of Leon's head. Initially, the brunette didn't react. However, it didn't take long before he let out a breath he had been holding and he relaxed against the other's warmth. His heart was thundering against his ribcage, his mind unable to absorb Zell's generous acceptance. He had been convinced that the blonde would be repulsed and push him away, so he didn't know how to react otherwise.

            It felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted off his shoulders when he was finally able to breathe normally again. He had nothing to be self-conscious about anymore. Even without knowing his full story and every little detail about him, Zell had accepted him. He didn't know it then, but for the rest of his life, Leon would never be able to find someone who could replicate that same feeling for him. He had sincere doubts that it would happen once he and Zell parted ways, but right then he had a bit of hope that maybe he would find that same feeling elsewhere later on. However, he didn't want to have to look for it again. It was a daunting task.

            Dropping his shirt off the side of the bed, the Carrier planted his hands on the mattress on either side of Zell’s thighs, and pushed himself up. Without hesitating, he brought a hand up and cupped the back of Zell's neck, pulling him in for a firm kiss. When he was feeling so overwhelmed with emotion like he was, Leon wasn't the best at voicing himself. There was too much going through his mind in that moment that it made his chest hurt. All he could think about was how much he didn't want to leave, didn't want to push Zell away anymore, or think of ways to say goodbye. He wanted to pull him in and absorb as much of that precious acceptance the blonde was willing to give him.

            Deepening the kiss, the Carrier started to come back to himself, his control seeping back into his psyche little by little. After a few minutes of feeling the blonde's lips and tongue move against his, all he could feel was warmth. The anxiety and paranoia had faded, and he felt human again. His hand dropped from the blonde's neck and he pressed it to the other's chest, gently nudging him back. Zell reclined, bringing his arms up to loosely wrap around Leon's neck as the brunette crawled over top of him between his legs.

            "You're so kind to me," the Carrier murmured, pecking the side of the other's neck.

            "Should I not be?" the blonde responded, craning his neck to the side, inviting more attention.

            "I don't know. I don't understand why it's so easy for you and so difficult for other people," Leon said, gently taking a bit of skin between his teeth and tugging on it. He could feel Zell shiver beneath him and a smile pulled at his lips.

            "The answer is simple, really. Everyone else is a bunch of assholes," the blonde said. Leon laughed some. Zell's explanation was a partial lie. He would never admit that befriending the Carrier was the easiest thing, and getting to the point where there were right then was even harder. There were a lot of pigheaded assholes in their school, though, and he could see where someone as damaged as Leon would have a hard time coping with the negativity being thrown his way. Zell understood that though. He could see that Leon wasn't completely normal like other people wanted him to be. Going into their friendship with that knowledge made it easier to have as much patience as he did with the Carrier. He didn't regret it.

            Leon slid a hand under the other's shirt, nudging the fabric upward. It was a clear indication that he wanted it removed, and they parted ways just enough so the blonde could sit up a little and oblige him. Once it was gone, Zell helped himself to running a hand down the Carrier's chest and stomach. He could feel the brunette tense again as he got used to the idea of being touched, but there was no protesting. Eventually, the blonde's hand made it to the top of Leon's pants and he wasted little time undoing the button and zipper. The Carrier pulled back until he was up and on his knees in front of the blonde, looking down at his hands as they worked. He had to laugh a little to himself and shake his head when he noticed their physical differences officially.

            "What?" Zell asked, sounding somewhat amused.

            "Fuck you and all your muscular definition," the brunette said, running his fingers over the other's biceps.

            "Hey! I work damn hard to look the way I do, I'll have you know. How do you think I feel when you and your scrawny self come along and beat my ass at arm wrestling?"

            "I apologized."

            "Yeah, well, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a bit of a kick in the teeth," Zell said, leaning forward and pressing his lips to the brunette's marred sternum. "Still sexy, though," he added.

            "Ah, well at least we've cleared that up," Leon said.

            "I also like your invisible underwear," the blonde said, sliding his hands down the Carrier's sides, slowly nudging his pants down as he went. A little anxiety started to trickle in again but Leon stopped himself before he could pull away, his skin crawling with heat.

            "Glad you do," was all he could think to say. He sucked in a breath when he suddenly felt Zell's hands on him. The blonde pecked a line of kisses down the middle of his stomach, his hand gently cupping and massaging his testicles around. With his other hand, he nudged the Carrier to lean back so it was easier for him to take the half hardened member between his lips. The brunette gasped and watched intently as Zell pulled back shortly before sucking him back in, coaxing him to full rigidity quickly. He didn't waste much time there, though. Once Leon was hard for him, he pulled away with a tiny satisfied smile.

            "One second," Zell said softly, scooting back a bit so he could lean over and dig in his side table. Leon wanted to protest and tell the blonde to come back and finish what he started, but he resisted.

            "I feel like I should be doing more for you," he said idly. His friend came back with a condom in his hand and unwrapped it. Without humoring the brunette's desire to do more, he started to unroll the latex down the Carrier's length.

            "Don't worry about it," he said.

            "I know how to put condoms on, Zell."

            "Good. I'm glad. Still don't have to worry about doing more, though," the blonde defended. Pulling Leon forward gently by his forearms, Zell began to lie back again. Before the Carrier could crawl over him too much and trap him in place, the blonde quickly unzipped his shorts and wiggled them down his hips. He briefly reached under and behind himself before kicking the rest of his clothing off and nudging it to the floor. Something hard and weighty landed on the tile with a muffled _thunk_ and Leon raised a brow.

            "Uh, what was--"

            "Don't worry about it," the blonde repeated quickly, taking the Carrier's face between his hands to prevent him from looking over the side of the bed. He wrapped his arms around Leon's neck and pulled him back into place. The Carrier was a little perplexed by the aversion but before he could get too distracted Zell pushed his hips up and wrapped his legs around his waist, pressing them together and making it wholly obvious to Leon what he was prolonging. The impatience was plain on the blonde's face, making the Carrier's cheeks pinken a little in embarrassment of his ineptitude.

            Instead of apologizing, the brunette reached a hand between them so he could steady himself. Zell had done most of the guesswork for him by moving around and all he had to do was push forward. The blonde sucked in a breath as he felt Leon enter him, and he planted his hands on the Carrier's shoulders, squeezing a bit with the initial feeling. The Carrier was met with much less resistance than what he had anticipated and he didn't know what to think. The blonde was most certainly tighter than Rinoa had ever been but he had expected more. However, the thought was only there for a millisecond.

            Letting out a shuddering sigh as his eyes fluttered closed, Leon had to hold himself still once he was inside as much as he could be. Zell cupped the back of his neck and pulled him down the rest of the way to meet him for a reassuring kiss. The Carrier took a second to get his bearings, busying himself with the blonde's lips. Shortly thereafter Leon began to move.

            The feeling of the warm body beneath him squeezing every inch of him as he set up a steady rhythm sent the brunette's mind into a tailspin. It felt very different to him than what he had experienced with Rinoa. It was better, and felt less like he was fucking a wet hole in the mattress and more like he was with another person. He was sure the differences were spurred from more than the anatomy part of the equation, though. He wasn't so inept as to ignore the emotional connection he had with Zell, but there were still differences all the same.

            However, the problem with feeling so much so quickly was that Leon's performance was less than stellar. He tried so hard to last as long as he could, but it wasn't nearly enough. The whole thing was over in less than five minutes and the embarrassment was immediate and soul crushing. The Carrier wasn't even sure he had enjoyed his orgasm, it was so fast. All he could recall was a white haze of pleasure from the minutes before, but not a lot else. The weight of the humiliation overshadowed the whole experience. He couldn't look Zell in the eye and focused on staring at the end table, his face growing redder by the second.

            Chewing on his lip, he cleared his throat. "That was... not my intention," he mumbled after a moment. The blonde pushed himself up a bit and kissed along the other's jaw and up his cheek.

            "If it makes you feel better, you lasted longer than Seifer did when it was our first time," he said. Leon let that tidbit roll around in his head for a moment as he decided how he felt about it.

            "It sort of does, actually."

            "Good," Zell said, running his hands up and down the brunette's back. Leon huffed a sigh and glanced between them. The blonde was completely flaccid.

            "Was it really that bad, though?" he asked, pressing his forehead down into the blonde's chest and hiding. Zell ran his fingers through the chestnut strands a few times.

            "Yeah, it was pretty bad," he said simply. The Carrier let out a groan that sounded almost like a whining sob.

            "The one time I wanted you to lie to me--"

            "But!" Zell interrupted. Leon went quiet with a huff. "I'm glad it happened. You don't have any reason to hide from me anymore."

            "I wasn't really hiding anything..." the Carrier defended, though he knew it was a blatant lie.

            "Yes you were. But it's okay. I understand why. You didn't actually have to say anything for me to know your story. I don't know the details, but I can get a good idea. That's pretty special because I know no one else here knows you as much as I do now. I like that," Zell said. The brunette hesitated for a second but he eventually pulled his face up so he could look at the blonde finally. Zell smiled, and Leon gave a small one in return.

            "I like that, too," he said.

            "Good," his friend responded, stealing a soft kiss. "Plus, you know what this means, yeah?"

            "What's that?"

            "Now we get to the fun part where you learn how to do this properly. I want you to make me scream for you," Zell said, his smile splitting into a grin.

            Leon laughed. "So long as we don't have to go outside and do it in a bush."

            "Nah, my neighbors will get over it."


	55. Chapter 55

**Chapter 55**

                “You look different,” Cloud said, squinting at Leon as he moved around the Infirmary room. It had been a couple days since they last saw each other and the Carrier was busying himself with picking up after the blonde and trying to see what other resources he had at his disposal to help with Cloud’s recovery. When his Charge spoke, he stopped what he was doing and looked at him quizzically.

                “Do I? I wasn’t aware I did anything different to myself,” the Carrier said.

                “You look less like you’re going to break apart and start crying like a pussy.”

                “…Uh, _okay_ ,” Leon said confusedly.

                “I’m just saying.”

                “Is this some sort of roundabout way of giving me a compliment? Because I can’t decide if it is one.”

                “It wasn’t my intention, no. I just can’t figure out what could’ve changed and was hoping for an answer instead of you just staring at me like an idiot,” Cloud explained, crossing his arms over his chest with a bit of a scowl. Leon looked more confident and the blonde wasn’t sure how he felt about it. It was easier being around the Carrier when he was mopey and moldable. The blonde felt that if the brunette got his feet under him and started standing up for himself, he would be less inclined to listen and do things Cloud’s way. Weak people were easy to manipulate for the betterment of oneself, and if Cloud was to get anything out of the Carrier and use him for all he’s worth then Leon needed to be weak. Little did he know that Leon would bend over backwards to keep his Charge from scuttling away anyway; forcing him to find another one and thus waiting another thirty-plus years to make progress.

                “I’d try avoiding being an idiot if I could, but your idea of what’s idiotic is not completely clear to me all the time. Anyway, did Dr. Kadowaki tell you about moving to my room?” Leon asked, setting a small pile of hospital gowns in the laundry bin.

                “No,” Cloud responded, sounding none too pleased with the idea.

                “Well, your recovery is going well and probably in the next week or so you’ll be moved to the extra room in my dorm. I’ll take care of you after that point,” Leon said.

                “I don’t want to stay in your space. I want to leave like you said we were.”

                “I’ll have to see where you are by then. Hopefully your back will be healed enough for us to leave. I don’t want to get halfway to where we need to go and have your wounds break open and you bleed out on me.”

                “So until then you’re going to be my nurse?”

                “Once you’re moved in, yes.”

                “I don’t want that, either.”

                “Well, too bad.”

                “I want to do things for myself.”

                “I’ll let you do as much as you’re able to. Believe me when I say I don’t want to be your babysitter either.”

                “Then why are you bothering making me move in with you?”

                “Because if we’re to stay here so you can recover, we have to comply with the people who actually have control of the situation. It’s what Headmaster Cid says and what Dr. Kadowaki agreed to.”

                “So it’s not your idea.”

                “No,” Leon said, sitting in his seat a short distance away from the blonde’s bed.

                “So you don’t want to take care of me.”

                “I’ll help you if you need me to, don’t get me wrong, but I’d rather not treat you like a child and assume you’re not capable of helping yourself first.”

                “Good,” Cloud agreed, letting his head drop back against the bed, his eyes focused on the ceiling as he mentally assessed his situation. To Leon, it wasn’t a happy expression or even just a neutral one.

                “What’s wrong?” he asked. The blonde automatically snorted a laugh; a cynical sound.

                “Are you fucking serious? Look at me! I’m a half step away from being a cripple, I have nothing to my name, I’m dependant on some hippie fuckhead from a shiny hippie fantasy land—“

                “Hey—“

                “—I killed my girl, I probably killed all my friends too, probably killed the only mother I’ve ever known by making her sick somehow—“

                “Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, hang on,” Leon interrupted, holding his hands up in front of himself. He scooted forward in his seat and leaned into the blonde’s line of sight. “You didn’t kill Nana. To my knowledge you didn’t even kill your friends. I don’t even blame you for hurting Aeirth. Do not beat yourself up over things you didn’t do. If you want to be upset over the things that have happened, then you’re allowed to be, but don’t make it harder on yourself by thinking you’re actually to blame for it. Nana got sick because she got sick. We have no idea what happened to your friends. Aerith wasn’t your fault. If you need to hate something for it, hate your government.”

                “I can’t,” Cloud said simply. Leon furrowed his brows, mind full of thoughts. He hadn’t even thought about how Cloud felt about Nana and her illness. It didn’t even cross his mind that his Charge might blame himself for that too.

                “Why is that?” Leon asked, genuinely curious.

                “Because I don’t remember things, and I don’t trust you to remember them for me,” Cloud said simply.

                “You don’t remember Nana getting sick?”

                “There’s… blank spots, I guess,” the blonde said with a dismissive wave of his hand, his expression sagging. Leon furrowed his brows, trying to put the pieces together to determine what was going on inside the synapses of his Charge’s memory.

                “Can you do me a favor?” Leon asked. Cloud cast a sidelong glance to him.

                “No.”

                Silence.

                Leon pressed his lips into a thin line, his annoyance obvious. “Well, when you decide you can, do me a favor and just… think about what you want out of your future; where you’d like to be in a few years.”

                “What’s the point? I’ll probably be dead in a few years.”

                “But you won’t be,” the brunette said. It was more of a reassurance for himself, but Cloud didn’t need to know that.

                “But I probably will.”

                “No, you won’t. Trust me.”

                “Why should I?”

                “Because I asked you nicely.”

                “That’s complete bullshit and you know it.”

                Leon sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. He was quiet for several tense moments before speaking. “You need to go outside and get some air,” he finally said, standing from his seat.

                “What do you mean?” Cloud asked. The turn of events was confusing.

                “I’m going to take you outside so you can get out of this stuffy room and clear your head a little.”

                “You’re not carrying me.”

                “I didn’t want to,” Leon said. He stepped out of the room for a moment but came back shortly thereafter with a wheelchair. “We can use this unless you feel like you can walk for a good twenty minutes at a steady pace.”

                “Twenty minutes?”

                “It’s a big campus; the gardens are out back.”

                “I don’t want to,” Cloud said, furrowing his brows. ‘Gardens’ to him meant flowers. He knew himself too well. He knew that he’d start thinking too much if he was forced to sit amongst them for more than a few minutes; especially if there were some he recognized.

                “You don’t want to get out of this room?”

                “I don’t want to go to any gardens.”

                “Why? You had them in Nibelheim and didn’t seem to care.”

                “Exactly,” Cloud said, crossing his arms over his chest. Leon raised a brow. The conversation seemed rather silly to him and after thinking about it for a few minutes, he rolled his eyes.

                “You’re over thinking things. Just humor me for a bit. If it’s really that torturous, then I’ll bring you back,” he offered. Cloud seemed to think about it for a moment.

                “Fine,” he agreed reluctantly. Between wanting to get out of his room and wanting Leon to leave him alone, he figured it was okay to try. The Carrier nodded to him and stepped out of the room again. He returned shortly thereafter with a bundle of clothing and set it on the edge of the blonde’s bed. Cloud stared at it. It took him a second to remember he had been in a hospital gown for a good portion his stay at the Garden.

                Leon left him to get dressed. It was then that Cloud realized just how much help he would really need. He had grown used to scooting in and out of his bed on his own to go to the bathroom, but he hadn’t had to do much else aside from that. The minimal movement of his arms wasn’t too bad, but having to lift them in order to get a shirt over his head made the wounds on his back scream in resistance. He let out a startled audible gasp at the sharp pulling pain and immediately put his arms down and scrunched up his face. Leon was in the room again just a second later.

                “Are you alright?” he asked, leaning over to get into the blonde’s line of sight.

                “Forgot about my back for a second,” Cloud admitted, peeling his eyes open slowly. Leon didn’t say anything, didn’t chastise him, didn’t make fun of him. However, he did pull the shirt the rest of the way up the blonde’s arms and stretched it over his head. He then stood by and made sure Cloud could wiggle into the pants without hurting himself, but didn’t make an effort to do it for him. His Charge looked miserable as he moved; the realization of how dependant he was digging his mood into a deep pit. However, he managed to scoot out of his bed and plop into the wheelchair by himself. It was a small victory.

                As Leon started wheeling him out of the Infirmary, Cloud sunk down as low in his seat as he comfortably could. To him, every pair of eyes they passed was boring holes into his head. There were hardly a handful of people to be seen, but it didn’t matter. He felt exposed and vulnerable. He knew every single person there hated him for what he was and his mind with abuzz with countless thoughts telling him so. That, coupled with the embarrassment of having to be pushed in a wheelchair, left Cloud with the strong desire to crawl under a rock. Leon could feel the tenseness radiating off of his Charge and he furrowed his brows.

                “Relax. Nothing is happening to you,” he said.

                “You’re an idiot. Of course there is,” the blonde spat. “I’m being babied and judged.”

                “…What?” Leon asked confusedly.

                “You heard me. You may as well put me in a display case and sell tickets so everyone can come see the crippled kid from Midgar that looks like he hasn’t eaten in fifty years.”

                “You’re being dramatic. Stop thinking so much into things that don’t exist.”

                “I’m not being dramatic!”

                “Yes you are. Cloud, there’s…” the Carrier trailed as he looked around their immediate vicinity. “Four people that can see us. Everyone else is either in class, asleep, or eating. Calm down. None of those four people are even paying attention to us. To you,” he finished.

Cloud was quiet for the rest of the walk to the back gardens. His opinions didn’t change any, but it was clear that Leon wasn’t in the right mind to understand him. Not that he ever could.

                Leon parked them under a large tree that was just outside the main gathering space with the tables and paved patio. The Carrier took a seat at the tree’s base and stretched out his legs in front of him, already feeling some of the tension leak out of his shoulders due to the warmth of the sun. Cloud’s tension remained bottled up in his muscles, however. The blonde let out a grumbling sigh and set his head against the back of the wheelchair, staring up at the tree’s branches. At the very least, he could admit the fresh air was nice and it was good that it wasn’t cold out. He took his feet off the chair’s footplates and set them on the grass.

                “Don’t want to get out of the chair?” Leon asked, letting his eyes close. He took a deep breath.

                “Why?”

                “To sit in the grass? It’s better than chairs.”

                “I’m aware of the grass. It’s fine where it is,” Cloud said. Leon gave up. A brief silence passed between them before the tiny ounce of patience the blonde had dried up. “Okay, so, I’m out here. What’re we doing?”

                “Getting some air?” Leon guessed.

                “I have air. Can I go back inside now?”

                “Is it really that torturous out here? I thought it was nice.”

                “It’s outside.”

                “Yes. I’m glad we’ve established this fact.”

                “No, I mean, that’s all I think about it. It’s outside, so what?”

                “You’re very negative today.”

                “Yeah, well, when you’re being dragged around like a spectacle for everyone to stare at and you have nothing left in life but your skin (and even that isn’t all completely there), it sort of bums you out a little. Just wheel me off a cliff and we can call it a day.”

                Leon sighed. “Cloud, you’re not a spectacle—“

                “Stop telling me that! You know damn well I am! The only experience you’ve had on the other side is being a prisoner; where there was no one else there to stare at you like you’re dirt that should be stuck to their shoe. I’m the enemy, and much to everyone’s dismay, I’m here, alive, and breathing their perfectly clean and sparkly air,” Cloud said, pushing himself up in his seat. He leaned over some, glaring down at the brunette. “It doesn’t matter what your fucking intentions are because it doesn’t change the fact that I have eyes that tell everyone here that I rape their women and kill their children like it’s a hobby. Whether I actually do or not doesn’t matter, either. I don’t belong here. I belong on the other side of the world where we actually _do_ rape the women and kill the children like it’s a hobby. That’s where I’m accepted,” he said, sitting back again and crossing his arms over his chest. He stared at the grass as it moved with a gentle breeze.

                Leon was quiet for several minutes as an awkward tension set in. “I accept you,” he said.

                “No you don’t.”

                “Sure I do,” the Carrier defended, idly picking at the grass in front of him. “I accept the fact that you don’t like me, that you’re an asshole, and that I don’t like you very much either. I accept that our journey together is going to go one of two ways: either you end it once you’ve gotten better and can do more for yourself, or, you make my life a living hell as I try to teach you things you’ve never heard before and try to convince you they’re real and normal. Because of all this acceptance, it ultimately means that I accept you as my Charge despite knowing how difficult it’s going to be. Once we get to where we need to go, there are no rewrites. There are no second chances for me. I don’t get to try again simply because I changed my mind,” Leon explained. Technically, if Cloud killed himself or walked away from his contract, Leon would get another chance to find another Charge. However, Cloud didn’t need to know that.

                “So your acceptance is forced. Obligated. How wonderful.”

                “It’s still acceptance.”

                “You know damn well that’s not what I meant.”

                “Maybe you should’ve been more specific, then. I’m not a mind reader. Do you want acceptance or do you want friends? Because I was under the impression that there was more to friendship than just acceptance,” Leon said. Cloud was quiet for a moment, his eyes still focused on the ground in front of him.

                “You’re not a friend I would ever want to have,” he said.

                “Ever?”

                “Ever.”

                “That’s not very fair. You don’t know me very well,” Leon said. Not that he had very much confidence in his relationship building skills, but what Cloud was saying still hurt. It was cementing the fact that Cloud was going to make him miserable for the rest of his life without hope of ever reconciling anything and maybe trying to being decent acquaintances. Leon didn’t exactly feel like he was very good friend material in the first place, but to be shot down before he could even try was just an extra kick to his crippled pride that he didn’t need. He kept his face stoic, though, and didn’t let it show that the blonde’s comments affected him any.

                “Oh I know plenty, thanks.”

                “No, you listened to me answer your questions about how I know you, assumed the worst, and ignored what I said about it.”

                “More or less, yeah.”

                “You admit that, and yet you think it’s f—“

                Leon stopped mid sentence as he heard a strange noise coming from behind them. The tree line of the nearby forest was a fair distance away, but he could hear the snap and crunch of many branches being broken at once. He was on his feet in an instant and quickly moved between Cloud and the direction of the trees. His Charge was confused, and tried to turn around, but the wounds on his back kept him from turning very far.

                “What is it?” he asked, his face contorted in pain as he waited for his injuries to calm again.

                “I heard something.”

                “No, really? Could’ve fooled me. I’m asking what it was, idiot.”

                “I’m not sure, but I don’t really want to find out.”

                “Coward.”

                “If it means we can get out of here with all of our limbs intact, then I guess I am,” Leon said.

                Zell came bounding out of the forest a moment later. He ran about halfway between the forest and the pair by the tree before slowing and turning around to watch where he had come from. He eventually stopped and bent at the waist, putting his hands on his knees for stability as he tried to catch his breath. Leon could see that the majority of his friend’s clothing had been torn in some manner and that he was bleeding from several places on his arms, chest, and face. Immediately concerned, Leon jogged his way over, leaving Cloud by the tree.

                “Zell!” he called. He slowed his pace as he came closer. “What happened?” he asked, crouching down so he could look into his friend’s face. A large gash cut across Zell’s forehead and cheek, the blood dripping off the tip of his nose and his chin. Leon furrowed his brows and started to reach up to him, but Zell pulled away.

                “Stop. Hang on,” the blonde panted, putting a hand on his chest as he stood straight and heaved a few deep breaths, attempting to get his heart to calm down. Leon stood with him with a concerned face.

                “You’re bleeding,” he said flatly, taking note of the other large cuts and gashes across the blonde’s chest and arms.

                “Yep,” Zell agreed. He sighed heavily; finally able to breathe somewhat normally again. “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine,” he added.

                “You’re really not.”

                “Yeah, I am. Seriously. It’s fine. I just made a really stupid choice,” Zell admitted, giving the brunette a lopsided smile. “Hello, by the way. I’m actually in class.”

                “Hi. Is the class a lesson on how to kill yourself?”

                “No, I started my second year so now we’re branching out into other combat territories. The book learning stuff is over for the most part. I made the mistake of getting cocky when I really shouldn’t have,” the blonde explained.

                “How so?”

                “Well, my squad has an even number of dudes in it and we’re going against another squad of a different specialty that has an odd number in it; one of Quistis’ squads. So everyone was pairing up to spar and Quistis volunteered to pair up with me to make it even. and…” Zell said, pausing to let out a laugh. “I was like ‘are you sure you want to do that?’ and she asked me ‘yes, why not?’ and… I stupidly made it sound like that because she was a woman she wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

                Leon crossed his arms over his chest, his sympathy for his friend dissolving quickly. “Oh, really?”

                “Yeah, but I really don’t think like that.”

                “Well now you don’t.”

                “No, before too. Seriously. I just couldn’t help it. I spent the last year with a bunch of dudes that were just as big, if not bigger than me and when I looked at her and took note of how thin she is, my brain just couldn’t stop assuming that she was inferior. I didn’t mean to make it sound like it was because she was a woman, but it’s hard to differentiate the two sometimes, I guess. Appearance versus gender, or whatever. I don’t do words very well.”

                “Uh-huh,” Leon said, raising a suspicious brow at the blonde.

                “So, she was obviously insulted and then proceeded to give me a head start before she started wailing on me. I regret my decision.”

                “Good.”

                “I think I lost her though,” Zell said, keeping a wary eye on the forest. Leon glanced at it as well before turning his attention back to his friend.

                “Well, you did tell me you like a challenge.”

                “I do. It’s why I’m telling you I’m fine. I know I’m bleeding all over the place but I have so much adrenaline in me right now that I can’t feel it. Plus, before we even started sparring Quistis said she’d fix any injuries so there’s that too.”

                “I see,” Leon said.

                “What’re you doing in a couple hours?” Zell asked, abruptly changing the subject. Leon lifted his brows in slight surprise before he shrugged.

                “I have no idea. Staring at Cloud probably.”

                “If I didn’t know better, I’d say that’s creepy. But I get it,” Zell laughed.

                “It’s all I can do without him getting angry at me, and even then, it’s not always a guarantee.”

                “Ah, well, if you’re free, come by my room.”

                “Okay.”

                “I look forward to this year,” Zell said, bringing a hand up to his face to gently feel the cut across his cheek. The blood was drying and turning tacky. “It’s really refreshing so far.”

                “Getting your ass handed to you is really that much of a novelty?”

                “It really is. You have no id—“ Zell started before he was suddenly missing out of Leon’s field of a view. A streak of lightning had bolted across the air in front of him, striking the blonde in the chest and sending him sprawling backwards. Leon yelped and jumped in surprise, his eyes going wide. In the distance, he could hear Cloud’s uproarious laughter.

                “Holy shit!” Cloud cried from his place by the tree, before letting out a hoarse cough between fits of laughter. At some point, the other blonde had managed to turn his wheelchair around so he could see what had been so interesting behind them. Leon heard his Charge, but paid him no attention. His concern was for Zell, who had landed on his back and skid several yards away. The grass had been torn up in a long muddy streak leading to where his friend lay still. As soon as the Carrier went to go assess the damage, he heard another voice that made him stop in his tracks.

                “Don’t touch him!” Quistis demanded as she stepped out of the forest. She wore her boiling anger plain on her face, and the expression made Leon freeze with his hands folded behind him, watching her closely. She didn’t look at the Carrier as she stomped past him, heading for Zell. The blonde started to twitch and move his arms, letting out a groan as he attempted to push himself up again. However, the woman pushed him down again by pressing her heeled boot into large open burn on his chest.

                “Quistis…” Leon said quietly, afraid she would actually kill the blonde in her rage. She held up a hand, silencing him.

                “Do you understand the dangers of assuming your enemy is weak because of their appearance?” Quistis asked, bending over and addressing a semi-lucid Zell. The blonde blearily looked up at her, his vision blurring. He nodded a bit. “Do you understand the dangers of assuming you’ve lost your enemy simply because you couldn’t see them anymore?” she asked. Again, the blonde nodded. She smiled brightly. “Good. You and I are going to be a great team for the rest of this semester,” she said, stepping off of his chest and standing next to him. Zell let out a whining groan, clearly not happy with the arrangement.

                In the distance, Cloud started coughing again, forcing Leon’s attention away from Zell and Quistis. He hurried away from them to make sure his Charge wasn’t suffocating himself. Cloud wasn’t as receptive to his attentiveness as he would’ve hoped, though. As soon as the brunette got close enough, the blonde pressed a hand into his chest, keeping him back. It took a few seconds, but eventually Cloud was able to breathe easier once the pain in his chest subsided. He cleared his throat.

                “I’m fine,” he said, finally. He sat back in his seat again and wiped the slight moisture from the corners of his eyes with a smile pulling at the sides of his mouth.

                “I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Leon said sarcastically.

                “You don’t understand how funny that looked from over here. I was waiting for that lady to go over and slap one of you or something, but she exceeded my expectations by like… a lot,” Cloud explained as he started laughing again, though it was light and breathy. “Then you jumped _so_ high and squealed like a girl and I just about pissed myself,” he added, his laughter picking up speed. He forced them down before his chest started hurting again. “I have no idea what was going on but it was like watching a performance. Like it was scripted.”

                “It wasn’t that funny. I thought she killed him for second,” Leon said grumpily, crossing his arms over his chest.

                “Oh, get over it. He’s fine,” Cloud said, pointing at the pair in the distance. Leon looked over just in time to see Quistis helping Zell to his feet. The injuries the blonde had suffered had all but disappeared, leaving behind the splotches of blood and dirt on his skin. The woman, face serious, spoke to her student firmly for a moment before pointing at the woods. Zell stood straight, gave a quick salute, and then jogged off towards the trees. When he was gone, Quistis let out a sigh and shook her head, turning to the pair near the patio area. She came towards them.

                “Squall,” she said as she came close.

                “Yes?” he asked, his posture stiffening at her tense tone.

                “I need you to not fraternize with Zell while he’s in class,” she said sternly, crossing her arms under her bosom.

                “Okay,” the Carrier said. “In my defense, I didn’t know he was in class until he said something. I just saw he was hurt.”

                “I heard the conversation. Once he said he was in class, you should’ve stopped it and sent him back.”

                “Okay.”

                “You can make eyes at one another after I’m done with him.”

                “Um… we weren’t—“

                “Yes you were. I don’t care what you two in your own time, but he’s mine until five o’clock, understood?” Quistis asked flatly. Leon could feel the heat rise to his cheeks, but he nodded.

                “Yes ma’am,” he said quietly.

                “Good,” the woman said, turning on her heel and heading back towards the trees. Once she was a fair distance away, the Carrier let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

                “What did she say?” Cloud asked, watching Leon’s face closely.

                “Nothing you need to know,” the brunette muttered, stepping around his Charge. He began to turn the wheelchair around and made for the entrance back into the school.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------

                When Leon met up with Zell later that day, he was surprised to find the blonde half dead on his couch in his dorm. The blonde’s door popped open for him before he could even knock and opened to the view of his friend flat on his stomach, with one sock on, his shorts halfway down his underwear-clad butt, and his shirt missing. Leon was confused as to what he was supposed to be feeling. Zell hadn’t even made it to the shower yet, though it was clear he had sustained more injuries over the course of his day even if the wounds had been healed; the blood and mud was caked on him in rough patches and had been smeared over his couch cushions in a random pattern.

                “That rough of a party, hm?” the Carrier asked, stepping into the room and going to squat down in front of Zell’s line of sight.

                “You have no idea,” the blonde said, his words partially slurred by the cushion pushing against his face.

                “I have a pretty good idea, actually. The view and the smell is very telling.”

                “Fuck you. This is the sexiest you’ve ever seen me.”

                “Oh. Sorry. I thought this was your impression of a bloated rotting corpse lying out in the sun.”

                “Are you into that sort of thing?”

                “Not particularly, no.”

                “Then I guess this _isn’t_ the sexiest you’ve ever seen me.”

                “That would be a fair assumption, yes. It is good to know that you can run out of energy at some point though; makes you seem like less of a mutant.”

                “With how much I was encouraged by my mom, I was always taught to believe that I was a pretty awesome mutant. If that’s what I am, that is. I’m not so sure anymore. I feel sort of like a five thousand year old slug,” Zell said, groggily pushing himself up onto his elbows.

                “I can imagine. Was Quistis still that angry at you?” Leon asked.

                “For a while I thought she was, but when I looked around at the rest of my squad, they were all getting their asses handed to them so I think that’s standard in the beginning. It really doesn’t matter how much weight you can lift when your opponent can throw a ball of fiery death at you on a whim.”

                “Makes me wonder what the practicality of having hand-to-hand combat in this sort of war is.”

                “Quistis says that we’re supposed to be the brawn that outlasts the energy in Materia; because unlike Balamb, Midgar’s energy is finite because they use it selfishly. However, Eden’s prowess is very taxing apparently, so people like Quistis can only do it for so long before they need to stop and rest. That’s where people like me come in to take up the meantime. Depending on the skill of the caster, they can fend off most of the energy contained in a Materia so when we take over, there isn’t much else for us to withstand before we overpower them. That’s how it’s supposed to work, anyway. Quistis says that Materia users aren’t typically taught to do much else and are too dependent on a finite power so they’re easy to overwhelm with brute strength once they don’t have anything left.”

                “But you’re learning how to cast too, right? That’s what you said before, at least.”

                “They tried to teach me more offensive things, but I wasn’t very good at it. So they moved me to defensive stuff, which is easier for me. I’m okay with it. I like not dying right away,” Zell said with a bit of a shrug.

                “I like that too. But if you’re supposed to work in tandem with one another, what’s the point of beating the snot out of you during your first lesson?”

                “Endurance testing, mostly. Today was the only day that they were going to intentionally almost kill us. Or so they said. Quistis never hit me with the same spell twice, so I guess I can believe it.”

                “Yeah. I can see where testing everything would be beneficial. I’m glad it was only for one day though.”

                “When do you start classes again?” Zell asked.

                “A couple of weeks, I think,” Leon said. He hadn’t really been paying attention to what he was supposed to be doing at the Garden. He had been focusing on leaving, and Zell. Mostly Zell.

                “You don’t seem very excited.”

                “I’m not. It’s going to be a short-lived experience.”

                “What do you mean?” Zell asked, sitting up properly. Leon went to sit next to him. He sighed, wondering how much he should say.

                “I told you before that I was looking for someone. If it wasn’t already abundantly clear, that someone is Cloud. Now that he’s with me, I can’t stay here much longer,” Leon said, watching the floor.

                “Oh,” Zell said, frowning a little. There was a long and awkward silence between them before the blonde spoke up again. “Do you have any allegiance to Balamb at all? Or were you just here to use us?” he asked, casting a sidelong glance at the Carrier. Leon hadn’t anticipated such a straightforward technical question. He had expected something more emotional, and he couldn’t tell if he was disappointed or not. The brunette took a moment to think his words over carefully.

                “It’s with Balamb simply because I approve of their methods more than Midgar’s. I don’t have any loyalty to them, though. Whether or not I’m part of their war is not my concern. So yes, I’m here to use their resources. I didn’t come here to fight,” Leon said, looking to Zell and studying his reaction. The blonde seemed conflicted.

                “Sort of wish you were, though. With the proper training, your strength would be really valuable,” the blonde said.

                “So I hear.”

                “I’m disappointed.”

                “I’m sorry.”

                “I don’t hate you for it, though.”

                “That makes me feel better.”

                “When are you leaving?”

                “I _should_ leave tomorrow, but I probably won’t for a little while.”

                “Why not?” Zell asked. Leon smiled a bit in spite of himself.

                “I’m too attached,” he said. The blonde stared at him for a few seconds before his face reddened and he gave the Carrier a tiny shove.

                “Dude, if you need to leave, you should. Don’t stick around because of me. It’s not worth it.”

                “What do you mean ‘not worth it’?”

                “Because I’m not going anywhere but in the ground, you know? Unlike you, Balamb has my allegiance and my loyalty. I’m going to fight until I can’t anymore. I have to,” Zell said.

                “You don’t _have_ to, really…”

                “Yes I do.”

                “You could come with us,” Leon said, even though his better judgment said he shouldn’t have. However, in his mind, he figured that even if Zell couldn’t be his Charge in place of Cloud, he could be safe and not part of a war. Saving a life was always good, right?

                “No,” Zell said firmly. The lack of hesitation on the blonde’s part was a little jarring to the Carrier and he sat up a little straighter. His friend’s expression was blank but unwavering.

                “I’m… sorry? Did I offend you?” Leon asked cautiously.

                “Sort of, but its okay. I know you would like to have me not fight, which is really sweet, but I can’t just walk away. This is my home. This is the place where my mom is. My only family. Midgar isn’t allowed to have either of them, and so long as I can breathe, I’m going to fight to protect it in any way I can. Whatever it is you’re going to do with Cloud means absolutely nothing to me, Leon. I can’t abandon everything that’s important to me to follow you; a friend I’ve known for less than a year. I care about you, but not as much as my home and my family.”

                “Ah… right. Sorry,” Leon said. Zell had made many valid points that he wasn’t prepared to refute. His mind went back to his list of Charge candidates and how similar most of them were. Almost all of them were from Midgar. All but two. Talking to Zell, and having lived in his environment for so long, the Carrier could understand why he didn’t have many candidates from Balamb; if he had any at all. The profiles weren’t complete so he couldn’t say for sure.

                Why would someone, who had such a blind faith and devotion to one’s home and sense of duty, give everything up to follow a veritable stranger into something that means absolutely nothing to them? They wouldn’t. Balamb was full of people like Zell. They were extremely loyal to their country inside and outside of the military. Leon had never seen anyone complain about Balamb and how terrible it was like he had when he watched the people from Midgar. Midgar’s people were miserable, but had long ago lost hope that they could have anything better. They simply settled and accepted the abuse for the most part. Of course they would be willing to jump ship and run away with a Carrier even if it sounded like some made up fantasy land.

                Soldiers would be especially susceptible to coercion. Leon didn’t believe that the majority of Midgar’s soldiers were naturally evil people. He liked to think that they would’ve all have rather been somewhere else than where they were. Cloud, for one, didn’t seem to give a damn about his home other than the fact that he wasn’t a cultural outcast there.

Leon didn’t have Charge candidates from Balamb because they wouldn’t follow him. End of story. The Technicians knew what they were doing when they picked his candidates for him. He felt somewhat stupid for thinking he could force something that wasn’t there without thinking it all the way through.

Zell smiled a little and stood from his seat. He held a hand out of Leon to take and pulled the Carrier up as well. “It’s okay. I’m not angry,” he said, tugging the brunette by the hand towards the bathroom.

“What’re we doing?”

“Taking a shower. I smell like an asshole and I need someone to wash my back. Then you’re going to help me work off some of this adrenaline. I’ve been twitchy ever since class ended.”

Leon’s cheeks reddened some. “Oh… okay.”


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56

“You do realize it’s almost four in the morning?” Leon asked, settling his computer on the bed in front of him. His voice was hushed. “Zell is here. If he wakes up, I might have to disappear quickly,” he added.

“You’re still at the Garden?” Reno asked, his voice full of disbelief. Leon glanced over to the other half of his bed where Zell lay sprawled out on his stomach hogging most of the space. The Carrier didn’t take up much space, nor did he move very much in his sleep, so he didn’t mind the crowding. It was nice to have a warm body to lie next to.

“Yeah,” Leon said.

“Is Cloud dying or something? I left almost two months ago, man. I thought you were going to be right behind me,” the redhead said.

 “No, Cloud is fine. He’s moved into the spare room in my dorm. He’s still mostly stuck in the bed, but he’s getting better.”

 “So you should be leaving tomorrow,” Reno concluded, a spark of irritation coming through his tone.

“I’m not so sure. Cloud needs to be—“

“Cut the shit, Leon, and get your head in the game again. You _just_ told me Cloud was okay, so I don’t believe for a minute he’s still the thing holding you back. I love you to pieces, and I know you’re happy being around Zell, but you need to remember why you’re there in the first place.”

 “I know why I’m here.”

  “You’ve lost sight of the goal, though. Of all people! I never thought I’d have to smack some sense in you about this. You _have_ to leave. Tomorrow if you can.”

 “That’s so sudden, though. Give me a week.”

“No, you’re putting yourself in serious danger if you stay there. You don’t understand.”

 “Do you know something I don’t? It certainly sounds like you do.”

“Of course I do. What part of ‘Midgar has something planned’ did you not understand?”

“Have you been talking to Rufus Shinra?”

“No, but I’ve been paying attention to the calendar; Midgar’s reinforcements are coming before the week is over.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense. We’d have known about it. Balamb has the whole coast on watch, not to mention they’d have to get past Dollet and it’s not like that isn’t guarded either.”

“They’re not coming from the West. They’re coming from the East.”

“To my knowledge they don’t have any strongholds nearby over there, do they?”

“Well they’re not coming themselves; they have reinforcements, like I said. It’s Esthar, Leon,” Reno said. The brunette went silent, his blood running cold. It had never occurred to him that Esthar would have any involvement in the war, let alone team up with anyone other than Balamb. As far as he knew, they were neutral throughout the entire ordeal.

“No way…” he said, a shiver running down his spine.

“It’s the beginning of the end. Balamb can’t take a war on both sides. It’s just too much. So, like I said, you need to leave. Now.”

“But… that can’t be right,” Leon said, denial clouding up his thinking space. He looked to Zell again, a pain forming in his chest. Running a hand through his own hair, he took a deep breath. The idea of leaving suddenly became insurmountably more painful. The idea of Zell dying in battle wasn’t the easiest, but the knowledge of it happening several years from then and after he left was more comforting than thinking of saying goodbye before the week was over.

“Don’t sound so surprised. You knew Balamb wasn’t going to win,” Reno said.

“Yeah but I didn’t think I’d see it happen.”

“And you won’t, because if you leave now, you can miss the fight. Esthar is in the southeast, technically. You’ll be going northeast if you leave from the main port. You’ll miss each other. But you need to leave as soon as possible.”

“Okay…”

“Like right now.”

 “I know, Reno.”

“I’m not convinced you do. For all I know they could be on their way. It’s sometime this week; that’s the most accurate I can be.”

“Okay.”

“If you’re not here by this time next week, we will leave without you when the opportunity comes. Don’t try to take Zell and run off into the hills.”

“He wouldn’t run, anyway. We’ve talked about it. He stays behind.”

“I don’t even want to know. The idea of you even suggesting he come along gets my blood boiling,” Reno said carefully, the anger in his voice obvious.

 Leon was quiet for a moment. “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.”

 Reno sighed. “Leon…”

“You don’t understand. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that doesn’t judge me. Or tell me how I should do things.”

“Meanwhile, the revival of an entire species is just dust in the wind.”

“Stop it. I’m not going to stay here and die, but I’m allowed to be upset, alright? Imagine if Rude wasn’t your Charge but you had the same feelings for him and you had to leave him behind.”

Reno was quiet for a moment. “Alright, alright, fine. So long as you get here, I don’t care what you do. Just don’t be stupid.”

“I won’t,” Leon said.

“Good. I expect to see you in a few days, understand?”

“Yes. I’ll talk to you again soon.”

“Okay,” Reno agreed.

The call was ended, plunging the room into a chilling silence. Leon heaved a dejected sigh, the end of which sounded almost like a shiver. He stared at Zell’s naked back as the blonde slept, his deep breathing rhythmic and peaceful. It wasn’t fair. Leon wanted to take him home with him, where he’d be safe and they could be together. Even if they never became anything official romantically, he’d settle for just having a really awesome friend to spend time with. He’d like to have someone to distract him from how much of an asshole his Charge was; someone to remind him that he wasn’t useless, a coward, stupid, and could do at least a few things right. He knew it was selfish of him, but he couldn’t help the vice that had suddenly appeared around his heart; crushing it slowly.

Closing his computer quietly and unplugging his Link, the Carrier leaned out of bed and set it aside. Afterward, he tugged the blankets down further and shuffled underneath them again but scooted close to the other body that shared his space. He didn’t settle for awkwardly squashing himself to Zell’s side and possibly ending up with his face in the blonde’s armpit. He decided to reclaim some of his mattress and simply lay on top of his friend, sliding his arms under the blonde and hugging him around his chest. He settled his face against Zell’s shoulder and tried not to let his thoughts get too out of control.

The blonde let out a groggy hum as he felt Leon’s weight press him into the mattress. “What’s up?” he mumbled, consciousness slowly leaking into his brain.

“Nothing,” Leon said quietly.

“What time is it?”

“Four in the morning, more or less.”

“Oh fuck off, go back to sleep,” Zell muttered, hugging his pillow to his face.

“I’m trying to.”

“Oh,” the blonde grunted, turning his face to the side so he could speak clearer. “With the way things are being shoved in my ass, I thought you were trying something.”

“No, it’s just sort of parked there. Sorry,” Leon said, letting out a tiny laugh.

“Why are you even awake?”

“No reason. Just sort of happened,” the Carrier said carefully.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” Zell mumbled, attempting to turn and dump Leon off of him. The Carrier obliged and lay next to him again. Instead of going back to lying on his stomach, the blonde moved so his back was against the other’s chest and pulled the Carrier’s arm over his waist. Leon heaved another sigh and curled himself around the blonde as much as possible. Zell was able to fall back asleep quickly. However, the brunette had no such luxury.

\------------

Despite the lack of peaceful sleep on his end, Leon decided to get up early in the morning and begin preparations to leave. He ignored his classes for the day and made a trip to the city in order to find Cloud some clothing. It didn’t need to be fashionable or even form fitting; Leon was only concerned about warmth. So, after bidding Zell his goodbyes for the morning, they separated and went about their business.

Leon’s instructors were not keen on him skipping out on his lessons and after his absence became noticeable and prolonged throughout the morning, word was passed on to Headmaster Cid’s office. His solution to the problem was to send Rinoa out on a messenger mission in order to go see what Leon was up to. She had mixed feelings about going to see the Carrier again after everything that had happened. She wasn’t sure she was prepared to talk to him and milled around outside of his dorm for several minutes before going to knock.

 To her surprise, the door popped open. Leon had taken to not locking his doors for several reasons. He didn’t have anything worth stealing, Zell liked to randomly show up whenever he pleased, and if Cloud wanted to get up try to and walk around he could. For Rinoa, though, it was a surprise. She stuck her head in the room and looked around, expecting Leon to come out and greet her. When he didn’t, she came inside.

Ever the busybody, the girl welcomed herself into the domicile and poked around. She immediately made her way to Leon’s bedroom. It didn’t take her long to scrunch up her face in disdain. Used condoms in the trashcan, a bag of clothing and gloves she didn’t doubt belonged to Zell, and the bed being a disheveled mess told a very vibrant story of how Leon had moved on from her. She didn’t like it in the least and she could feel the tension creep into her shoulders as her anger bubbled up. It wasn’t fair. After everything Leon put her through, she felt that he didn’t deserve such comfort and happiness.

Stepping out into the main living space again, Rinoa’s brain and twisted sense of self righteousness tossed and turned several ideas around about how she could get back at him for abandoning her and casting her aside so easily. She began investigating things around the dorm further for anything she could use. Eventually, she wandered into the spare bedroom. She gasped in surprise as soon as she did because she didn’t know Cloud was there.

The blonde had spread out all over his bed on his back, partially tangled in a wad of blankets he had kicked around in his sleep. The severe lack of a selection of clothing on his part made sleeping nude a necessity, and he was mostly exposed to the girl in the doorway. Not that he noticed; he was still asleep. Even if he was awake, he still wouldn’t have cared all that much.

In Rinoa’s head, she was spinning a very colorful story as to why Cloud might have been there and in such a state. She knew that Leon had brought him from Midgar and that he was important, but there wasn’t much else for her to know aside from that. She saw Cloud as more of a threat than Zell in terms of who was closer to Leon, though. It was very strange that he would abandon her and suddenly reappear almost a year later dragging another blonde-haired-blue-eyed-boy around with him. To her, it was likely that Cloud acted as a substitute for Zell while Leon was away.

Leon and Zell couldn’t have possibly had such a happy relationship after the brunette had been gone so long without some sort of interaction between them beforehand. Meaning, Leon _had_ to have been fooling around with Zell while she and Leon were still together; which spurred the idea that Cloud was Zell’s stand-in to stave off Leon’s loneliness. The thought made her blood boil. She stood in the doorway to Cloud’s room as she quietly fumed and steeped in her fabricated stories. By the end of her line of reasoning, Leon was practically running a homosexual harem out of his dorm in her mind. It made her stomach churn.

Rinoa ended up standing in the doorway too long. After a few minutes, he door attempted to slide closed again and collided with her shoulder. It popped back open again once it bashed into her, but it still made her startle and let out a bit of a squawk. She immediately clapped a hand over her mouth as she heard Cloud start to stir. The noise was just enough to force the blonde out of his death grip on sleep and bring him into the hazy stage of only partial consciousness.

Rinoa didn’t know what to do. For a moment she considered smothering Cloud in his sleep, she considered leaving, and she considered ignoring him and going into the next room to trash the rest of Leon’s dorm anyway. In the end, she came further into the blonde’s room and picked up an errant pillow Cloud had shoved onto the floor. Hesitating, she stewed in her anger as she tried to decide if she really had the gumption to kill someone. Someone who, in her mind, was part of the reason she wasn’t happy anymore and probably wouldn’t be missed by anyone else but Leon.

In his partially awake state, Cloud could feel someone moving around his room. They were hovering next to him; no doubt staring at him. He could vaguely remember feeling the same suspicion when he was in basic training surrounded by strangers. Sucking in a deep breath as he tried to wake himself without being obvious about it, he shifted positions, turning towards the source. Rinoa startled and let out a tiny effeminate gasp which surprised Cloud; he hadn’t expected a woman to be in the room with him. Taking another few seconds to consider the situation, the blonde decided it was best to act.

Rinoa let out a loud squeal as Cloud’s eyes suddenly popped open and his hand flew up and grabbed her wrist. She dropped the pillow and immediately backpedalled, almost yanking Cloud out of the bed with her. He let out a sharp yelp as the wounds on his back were pulled taught with the force and the friction of the sheets threatened to pull his scabs apart. Letting go, he scooted back into the bed as gently as he could. Rinoa, however, went too far back and bashed herself into the dresser. She clumsily caught herself on it before she could hit the floor and froze in place, staring at Cloud with wide eyes.

With obvious pain laced through his features, Cloud slowly pushed himself up, letting out a quiet throaty groan. He tugged the blanket up a few inches just enough to cover himself despite how useless an effort it was; it wasn’t like he had anything to hide. Looking to Rinoa with a scowl, he took a moment to see her properly. He had no idea who she was, but she wasn’t ugly and she was indeed female, which were the only prerequisites he needed in order to be okay with her being around for the time being.

“Why are you here? And why were you hovering over me like a creep?” he asked, rubbing an eye tiredly. Rinoa was quiet for a moment as she tried to pull what little knowledge she had of the Midgar language together to form a sentence.

“My name is Rinoa,” she said brokenly. Cloud furrowed his brows.

“That’s not what I asked,” he said. He was somewhat surprised she knew how to speak to him.

“I don’t… speak great,” she added.

“Obviously.”

“Name?”

“No. You don’t need to know that.”

“Why?” Rinoa persisted, only understanding the ‘no’ part of the last sentence. Her nervousness was leaking away slowly and she stood straight again, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Because,” Cloud said flippantly; which didn’t make the girl happy. A deep frown marred Rinoa’s face as she ran new scenarios through her head as to what she could do in order to get back at Leon. Things had changed unexpectedly and now she couldn’t do much with Cloud being awake to witness whatever it was she could come up with. She chewed on the inside of her lip as one idea came to mind, but she wasn’t sure how she could make it happen.

“Okay,” she eventually agreed, dropping the subject of the other’s name. Stepping forward, she helped herself to sitting on the edge of the blonde’s bed. Cloud raised a brow suspiciously as she took his hand and turned it over in her own, looking at the lines on his palm.

“Are you going to read my lifeline or something stupid?” he asked. Rinoa didn’t understand anything he said, but smiled anyway.

“Cute,” she said, which forced Cloud to raise a brow. He couldn’t decide if she was proclaiming that she was cute or was telling him he was cute. Either way, he could only agree with the former. In Rinoa’s head, telling Cloud he was cute was a complete lie. He was from Midgar so that automatically made him unattractive, never mind how sickly looking he was. However, she wanted him to believe she felt attracted to him. She brought his hand up and pressed it to her breast, a sly smile spreading across her face.

Cloud was thoroughly confused. He was under the impression the women in Balamb had some semblance of standards, but he couldn’t say he was upset to be wrong. He wasn’t awake enough to comprehend why things were happening the way they were, but he wasn’t going to deny anything the girl was offering so far.

When she wasn’t pushed away, there was a small glimmer of hope in Rinoa’s head. She pushed herself up some until she was on her knees and scooted over until she could straddle Cloud’s lap, draping her arms loosely over his shoulders. She was all smiles for the very puzzled soldier as she started to pull her shirt up and over her head. Cloud’s hands were on her in an instant, taking the invitation without question. Her bra, shorts, and panties slowly followed as she gave the blonde a show as she removed them.

 _I have no idea if I should be suspicious of this,_ Cloud thought to himself. The last thing he had anticipated when he left Midgar with Leon was the possibility of getting laid. Fondling nurses and ogling their legs were ways to pass the time, sure, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think it would get him anywhere. But again, he couldn’t say he was upset with the goings on despite how strange it was.

As he felt Rinoa’s hands on him through the thin sheet keeping him covered, he couldn’t deny that what was happening was actually happening. It didn’t take him very long to put his scant suspicions aside and decide that he wasn’t going to deny free sex regardless of how random it was. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do much, though. His heart was beginning to thump in his chest a little too hard and he wasn’t about to get creative and risk killing himself with the effort. He wasn’t entirely sure if sex could kill him, but his tendency to have chest pains told him that, at the very least, it wouldn’t be very fun to try.

Lying back against the mattress, the blonde made it clear that he wasn’t going to be doing much of the work. Rinoa was fine with that and peeled back the sheet and batted it away. She didn’t need the sex to be good; she just needed it to happen. Smiling still, she leaned over Cloud until she could quietly speak in his ear.

“I want orange bell └┘┐┌┘shoe-out, okay?” she said, completely mangling her sentence in an attempt to give Cloud an order.

 _What…_ _the fuck is this girl’s problem?_ Cloud thought, scrunching his face up a little. Pushing the slaughtering of his language aside, it sounded like she had posed a question to him. Not wanting her to stop and leave him hanging he decided it was best to comply. He nodded with a slight agreeing hum which seemed to be the right answer. Rinoa sat up again with a wide smile.

“Good,” she said.

\-------------

Leon had spent his morning shopping, which was one of his least favorite activities, he had discovered. It was such a mundane and boring task when there was no one to talk to for the duration. Gathering some light supplies wasn’t so bad, but shopping for clothing was a painful experience. Cloud didn’t need much; just enough to get him to the Shumi Village without losing any extremities to the elements. With his Charge being underweight for the moment, Leon wasn’t entirely sure what sizes he could get away with. He ended up finding things that were made of heavy materials in his own size, but made for taller people. It was the safest he could get.

It was the early afternoon when he ran out of money and was finally able to load Binky up with his spoils and make his way back to the school. He enjoyed the quiet trip back and spent his time concentrating on the crisp spring air and the soft breeze. Soon, he would have to say goodbye to the peacefulness of being surrounded by so much nature in favor of spending his days in a cold concrete and tiled science facility. He was looking forward to working towards his purpose in life, but if he could take his lab and put it in a forest he would deem it a perfect situation.

He purposefully didn’t let himself dwell too much on the short term during his brief journey back to his dorm. He preferred to spend it in a serene haze of nothingness versus dreading having to leave everything he grew to like behind. There would be enough time to be upset later.

His tranquil mindset was abruptly ended once he made his way into his dorm, however. There were familiar noises radiating out of Cloud’s door. Too familiar, in fact. Immediately suspicious, he dropped his bags at the side of the entrance and made his way for his Charge’s room. The door popped open and he froze just inside the doorway. His brain couldn’t immediately make sense of what he was seeing.

Cloud and Rinoa were having sex. Leon’s initial thought was to say something and stop them but he decided against it. There were far too many questions he wanted answered first, and thankfully, neither party involved seemed to notice him. Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned back against the door as it slid closed again and waited.

Rinoa’s ability to sound like a dying cat during all things sexual was extremely impressive to Leon. Cloud was mostly quiet save for the occasional appropriate grunt here and there. The Carrier didn’t have to wait very long for things to finish. It was hardly two minutes of standing before Cloud grabbed onto Rinoa’s thighs and pushed her down on him and held her in place as he finished. The ear shattering silence that followed almost made Leon snort back a laugh. But it was over quickly as Rinoa let out a distressed gasp and scrambled back out of Cloud’s grip.

The girl stuck a hand between her legs and Leon raised a brow as she brought it back up again, her fingers laced with a thick webbing of her own wetness and Cloud’s seed. Leon raised a brow. He didn’t have much time to consider the action though because Rinoa quickly scrambled up again and took that same hand and slapped Cloud across the face with it. The blonde let out a yelp and shoved her away.

“You fucking bastard! I told you to pull out!” Rinoa roared in Balamb’s language.

“ _The fuck is your problem, woman?!_ ” Cloud barked back in his own tongue. His voice was hoarse and strained, making Leon step in before Rinoa could hit the blonde again. The Carrier caught the girl’s wrist as she wound up for another swing. She gasped and looked behind her quickly.

“Squall!” she said, her eyes wide but still full of fury. Leon tugged her back, pulling her off the bed. Rinoa fumbled onto the floor, landing with a light thump. He let her go and went to Cloud.

His Charge had rolled to the side and was wiping his face dry with the back of his hand. His breath was leaving him in deep heaves with a light wheeze to follow each one. Leon kneeled down next to the bed and lifted Cloud’s arm out of his way so he could press an ear to the blonde’s chest. His Charge attempted to nudge him away, but the Carrier persisted, putting an arm around his side and holding him in place. Cloud’s heart sounded like a hummingbird’s but with less regularity and it concerned him. Once he had had his fill, and it was clear Cloud wasn’t dying immediately, he let the blonde scoot away from him. Leon stood again and gave him a curious look.

“ _I’m actually fairly impressed you were able to perform; as slight as it may have been. Good job_ ,” the brunette said, giving Cloud a thumbs-up. The blonde reciprocated the gesture briefly before letting his hand drop to the bed, his breathing heavy. He was exhausted. He couldn’t spare the energy to care about anything for the moment.

  “What was that?” Rinoa asked from the floor, sounding angry. She had seen the exchange and was perplexed. Leon turned to her.

“I was congratulating him. It’s actually comforting to know he can have an orgasm. I wasn’t sure he could,” the Carrier said simply. Rinoa seemed surprised by that, which had Leon’s interest piqued.

“…Wait. You didn’t know--“ she started.

“Right, I didn’t know to what extent he could function with how weak he is.”

 “You’re not fucking him,” she stated simply, her eyes going to the floor.

“No. But you are apparently,” Leon said. He helped himself to a seat in front of her, leaning to the side and into her line of sight. “Care to tell me what’s going on here? Why are you in my space?” he asked, his tone neutral. He felt a strange mix of annoyance, intrigue, and amusement. Rinoa was clearly not happy with the situation which brought up even more questions.

“You missed your classes,” the girl said, pushing herself up from the floor shakily.

“Yes. I was out,” Leon said, standing and scooting back so he could sit on the edge of the bed. He casually picked up Rinoa’s panties off the mattress and handed them to her. She snatched them from him with a scowl.

“Headmaster Cid isn’t happy,” she said flatly, pulling the undergarments on.

“I didn’t think he would be. I’m surprised people noticed, though,” Leon said with a tiny shrug. “Whatever. So, he sent you here to find me? Making sure I wasn’t going AWOL? Did he tell you to fuck random strange men, too?”

“Yes. And no,” Rinoa said, answering his questions in order. She glanced at Cloud, her anger still apparent. “He was very coercive. I didn’t have much choice,” she lied. Leon raised a brow.

“Are you trying to tell me he raped you? He… physically forced you to stay here and have sex with him?” he asked plainly, his tone losing its amusement. Rinoa crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself some to make herself look scared. She kept her eyes averted and focused on the wall behind the dresser.

“Yeah,” she said. Leon was quiet for a moment. He wasn’t sure if he should laugh at how ridiculous she was or be immensely offended. Cloud finished catching his breath and slowly pushed himself up to a sitting position. Leon glanced behind him and frowned a little when he noticed the light smear of blood on the bedclothes from where the blonde’s back wounds had broken some during all the activity.

“ _She says you raped her_ ,” he calmly said over his shoulder. Cloud was suddenly much more awake and he quickly turned to face Leon, he face contorted into a fierce scowl.

“ _Like hell I did. What the fuck is she talking about? I was asleep when she creeped in here and started getting handsy. Do you **seriously** believe I have the strength to hold someone down and rape them? What a crock of shit_. _I didn’t even do any of the work and I still feel like I climbed fifty mountains_ ,” Cloud said.

“ _I know,_ ” Leon said. He bent over and picked up the remainder of Rinoa’s clothing off the floor and from the bed before standing. Taking the girl’s wrist, he pulled her from the bedroom so they could talk elsewhere.

“Let go of me,” she protested, pulling back from him. He didn’t let go until Cloud’s door closed behind them and they were alone. The Carrier shoved her clothing into her hands.

“Get out,” he said angrily, a crease forming on his brow.

“Why do you sound so upset? You’re not the one who had to experience that, you know. You sound like you’re jealous or something,” the girl said nastily. She dropped her clothes on the couch but kept her bra so she could put it back on. Leon stood there quietly for a moment, contemplating how hard he could hit her before he killed her.

“Do _not_ lie about these things, Rinoa. Do you understand what you’re trying to convince me of and how ridiculous it is? Did you not hear how hard Cloud was breathing once you were done? How difficult it was for him to catch his breath? Do you really expect me to believe that someone who can hardly stand upright for more than fifteen minutes and has the charm of a piece of roadkill coerced you into having sex with him and then physically _forced_ you to stay there?” he asked.

Rinoa continued getting dressed as if nothing was amiss, her blatant flippancy grating against the Carrier’s nerves. She shrugged. “Okay fine. Maybe he didn’t force me. You still sound jealous,” she said, casting a quick sly glance at the Carrier to see his expression. She couldn’t hide the tiny bit of a smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth.

“Is that why you did this? To make me jealous?”

 “Are you?”

 “Of course not! Why the fuck would I care about who you have sex with? I’m _much_ more upset that you lied about being raped. To me! Think about that for second. I’m fucking insulted,” Leon said, shaking his head and going to the door. “Get the fuck out of my space. You’re disgusting.”

Rinoa laughed. “I’m disgusting? I think you are. You left me for a year and came back with a cock in your ass like it’s something to be proud of. Do you really expect _me_ to believe that you weren’t just using me when we were together for a cover while you fucked Zell behind my back? If you were really raped (which I sincerely doubt) shouldn’t you be afraid of having sex? Having relationships? And yet here you are acting all chummy with him like you never left! And you expect me to think that this just blossomed overnight? None of that makes any sense to me, Squall. What you’re doing isn’t normal.”

“Don’t pretend to understand the things I’ve gone through. Don’t pretend to understand the things I do now. Don’t pretend to understand the things Zell has given me; things you never did—“

“Like a pair of testicles,” she interjected.

“No, like someone to give a damn about,” Leon said, making his way back to her. He loomed over her, his expression irritated. “You asked me time and time again when we were together if I loved you and I never answered you because I didn’t want any tears. Well, I never did love you, Rinoa. You made it impossible to love you with your poisonous personality. I left for the assignment in Dollet because I wanted to get away from you without hurting your feelings too much. I tried as hard as I knew how to avoid negativity when you were around, for your sake, because I understood how negative I was. Now, I can see my effort was wasted because despite how much I tell you how wrong you are, and how hurtful you are in order to get you to see how much our relationship was your fault, you still persist and try just a little bit harder to make me hate you,” Leon said. He let out an exasperated sigh and shrugged. “You win. I hate you. If you’re satisfied, you can leave now. I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“That’s not what I wanted. You hurt me too, you know. I just wanted to give you a taste of your own medicine is all. I think I’ve accomplished that,” the girl said, leaning over to lace her shoes.

“You really haven’t. Being angry doesn’t hurt. I’m not going to go cry in a corner when you leave and lament on the horrendous things you said to me. In fact, I’m probably going to have a few discussions with people and laugh at your expense because the last twenty minutes have been an enormous mistake on your part. I left you. Why would I be jealous of what you do? I have no attachment to you in the least, so I don’t care. All you’ve succeeded in doing is possibly getting yourself pregnant and contacting a handful of diseases. If sleeping with some dickhead Midgar soldier is your ultimate plan for making me jealous then you really need to take a class on understanding your enemy because you are _way_ off,” Leon said. He went to the door and waited for the girl to follow him. She was quiet as she finished with her shoes and stood straight with her shoulders square when she was finished. She didn’t seem to mind the idea of possible pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

“He’s bigger than you,” she said, calmly making her way towards the door.

“Too big if you ask me,” the Carrier said.

“He’s better than you.”

“I’d like you to discuss that with your bruised cervix when you have a minute.”

“Fuck you,” she added, her growing annoyance apparent as Leon refused to react to her insults. He made a bit of a face and shook his head.

“No thank you. I’m satisfied elsewhere,” the Carrier said. He could see Rinoa grinding her teeth as she passed him and headed out into the hallway. Part of him was surprised she didn’t have anything else to say to him but when she left quietly, he was thankful. Once she was gone, he let out a long sigh and ran his hand through his hair. He scooped up the bags from his trip to the city and started to move them to Cloud’s room.

“She gone?” Cloud asked when the brunette appeared in his room again. He watched Leon drop the bags inside the door and start taking their contents out.

“Yep,” the Carrier said.

“Was she your sister or something? You pulled her out of here like you were going to give her a lecture.”

Leon barked a clipped laugh. “No, she’s my ex.”

“Wha-aaaat?” the blonde drawled, the confusion obvious in his voice. “That’s a lie.”

“It’s true.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“What’s so unbelievable?”

“That you ever had a girlfriend, let alone one that had a cute face.”

“Unfortunately that was the only thing that was cute. The rest of her was hideous.”

“Yeah, I noticed. Her pussy looked like a damn train wreck; had droopy shit hanging all over the place. I couldn’t decide if it looked like it should’ve been attached to an old woman or not. She sends very conflicting messages when she shaves it like she just came from attending nursery school.”

Leon was quiet for a long moment before he started to laugh. “Wow… I honestly have no idea what to say to that. It’s not what I meant.”

“Doesn’t matter what you meant. It doesn’t change the fact that her junk looks like it crawled out of a deli sandwich,” Cloud concluded. The Carrier couldn’t force himself to stand there so casually anymore. He sat on the floor and held his face in his hands before the laughter threatened to make his knees give out. “What? It’s true!” the blonde added.

“I know, I know. I just…” the brunette said, rubbing his face some before he sat back with a wide smile. “I never thought about it before. It didn’t occur to me to think of it that way. I’m surprised you even noticed.”

“Yeah well, she only gave me enough time to notice her face before she had me focus on her other important parts,” the blonde said, waving a dismissive hand. He heaved a sigh. “Did she tell you why she hit me? I’d like to know.”

“Uh, well, when she did she yelled that she told you to pull out. Did you not get the memo?”

“No. She said nothing like that. She did say something about oranges and shoes, though, which was weird.”

“Oranges and shoes?”

“Yeah. She didn’t speak very well. She may have tried to tell me but she wasn’t clear.”

Leon shook his head with a sigh. “She explained why she was here and what her mentality was for coming on to you but even still, I can’t wrap my head around the stupidity.”

“I don’t think it was stupid. I think it was convenient.”

“Well of course you would.”

“Are there women like that on the Mothership? Because that makes life extremely easy if the sex can just be delivered.”

“Oh, I’m sure you could find some if you tried. Mostly you’d have to pay for it though if you wanted it _really_ convenient.”

“Eh, paying for what can be obtained for free is sort of a waste.”

“Yes, well, the women from where I come from don’t tend to part with such pleasantries for free. You either pay for it with money or a relationship. I apologize for that in advance.”

“That’s not nearly as nice,” Cloud said with a bit of a scowl.

“It is what it is. If you take it from them, you end up in jail. I’ll let you decide which is worse,” Leon said, sitting up again. He started pulling the clothing out of the bags again and piling it up on the corner of Cloud’s bed.

“Are these presents?” the blonde asked, picking up a pair of pants.

“You don’t deserve presents. These are necessities. We’re leaving soon.”

“Finally. It’s boring here.”

“I can imagine so. Staying in bed all day isn’t very entertaining.”

“It’s really not,” Cloud said. He turned the pieces of clothing around in his hands and took a second to rub the fabric between his fingers. “How expensive were these?” he asked quietly; unsure if he wanted an answer or not. Leon looked to him with a raised brow.

“Not very? Why?” he asked.

“No reason,” the Charge said quickly with a tiny shrug. The clothing Leon was giving him was made of fabrics that were softer than anything the blonde had ever owned before. Even his military clothing wasn’t as soft and warm as the ones in his hands felt. To him, they had to have been expensive, and he felt strange accepting them. He hesitated on the feelings for a moment before he forced them aside and picked through the rest and took stock of what he suddenly had. “Do I have any briefs over there?” he asked, noticing how a key component of a standard wardrobe was absent.

Leon pursed his lips as the detail dawned on him. “Oops. I knew I forgot something.”


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57

“Did you find them?” Zell asked as he pulled his shirt over his head. Leon was kneeling next to the blonde’s bag that was next to the bedroom door, rummaging through his things. He was in search of a very elusive box of condoms Zell swore he had with him. The Carrier stopped searching when his hand hit something very solid and somewhat weighty. Taking hold of it and pulling his hand up, he raised a brow at the drawstring satin bag he suddenly had.

“No, but I found something else,” he said curiously, pulling open the bag and removing its contents. Inside was a very colorful cone-shaped thing made of solid glass. It tapered off at the bottom before widening again, reminding Leon of a lopsided hourglass. He had no idea what it was.

“Hm?” Zell hummed, turning to see what the brunette was talking about. When he saw what the Carrier had, he let out a strangled snort as he choked on the air in his throat. He coughed a few times before he was able to speak again. “I totally forgot that was in there,” he said, his cheeks turning bright pink.

“…Should I be concerned that I’m holding this with my bare hands?” Leon asked cautiously.

“It’s clean. I haven’t used it in weeks.”

“Used it, you say.”

“Yes. It’s a uh… plug.”

“A plug.”

“Yes.”

“A plug for… you?”

“…Yes.”

“Should I be concerned that you have some plumbing problems that I’m not aware of? I’d like to know if I’m traversing a minefield, here,” Leon said, dropping the plug back into Zell’s bag with a bit of a scowl. The blonde let out an abrupt laugh.

“No! Ew. That’s gross,” he said, sitting on the edge of Leon’s bed. “I used it for… stretching purposes.”

“I have a vague idea of what you mean by that.”

“Well, I mean, if you just jump in the bed and get started without any sort of foreplay; it’s sort of painful for the recipient, yeah?”

“Yes, I’m well aware of that,” Leon said flatly, giving the blonde a stone-faced glance. It took Zell a moment to register what he had said and understood that his friend did indeed know what it was like to have anal sex without any sort of foreplay. He didn’t know what to say for several minutes but eventually cleared his throat and tried anyway.

“Sorry. But when we first got started I didn’t want to put too many details off on you because everything was so fragile. I wore that thing whenever we spent a decent amount of time around each other so if anything happened… it would just happen and neither of would have any regrets.”

“I see,” Leon said. He couldn’t decide if what Zell was telling him was sweet or if it was very strange. There was an odd mix of both feelings that he couldn’t quite piece together. Then he realized something. He gave the blonde a confused look. “Wait, you _wore it around_? For how long? Are we talking twenty minutes or several hours at a time?”

“It depended. I wore it to class a few times because I didn’t have time to say goodbye and then run back to my room,” Zell said with a small shrug.

“That couldn’t have been comfortable.”

“I didn’t mind it. I like it. I’ve had that thing for _years_ before I met you. I didn’t go out and get it exclusively for you, if it makes you feel better.”

“I just… this is new territory for me. I didn’t even know such a thing existed. I’m not upset, I’m just confused. You mean classes like the ones in the classroom, yeah?”

“And out in the field, too,” Zell said casually. The utter bewilderment painted on the Carrier’s face made him smile and laugh a little. “You should see your face.”

“I’m just imagining a bunch of Eden’s righteous protectors running after a bunch of homophobic Midgar soldiers with colorful plugs shoved in their asses. It’s very strange. If only Cloud knew how terrifying Balamb really is.”

Zell laughed. “Well, to be fair, the Midgar soldiers wouldn’t know about it. We do wear pants.”

“Yeah, but _still_. It paints an interesting picture.”

“I highly doubt there’s very many soldiers like me around here. You don’t have to worry.”

“I’m not worried,” Leon said. “So, in the beginning, you would sometimes take off your pants and drop them off the bed and it sounded like you had laid a thirty pound egg with the noise they made when they landed. You would never tell me what that was. Am I to assume it was this plug?” He asked, turning back to the larger bag to dig inside again.

“Yeah. I didn’t think it was that loud though. It surprised me when you asked, and the explanation was too long, and my brain was too preoccupied,” the blonde said. He raised a brow at the brunette’s searching.  “There aren’t any more toys in there if that’s what you’re looking for,” he added.

“I’m not. I’m looking for the condoms. You’re sure they’re in here?”

“No. But if you can’t find them that means I need to get more. I thought I had a few still.”

“If you don’t, I’m not that concerned. If you were a woman I’d care more,” Leon said, giving up. He stood and stretched his arms up over his head; pulling the tension from his muscles. He sucked in a quick surprised breath when he felt fingers wiggle themselves under the top hem of his pants. Zell had leaned across the gap between them and grabbed hold. The Carrier’s attention snapped to him quickly with raised brows.

“I just looked at the time. If you want to get to class on time we need to be quick,” the blonde said, giving the clothing in his hand a bit of a tug. Leon glanced at the alarm clock on the table next to his bed.

“I suppose we do.”

\-------

Despite how much he didn’t want to, Leon dragged himself into his classroom with what felt like a tiny raincloud on his shoulder. There was so much more he could be doing that didn’t involve classes that taught him nothing and didn’t benefit him. Making his last hours with Zell count was one of those things and it was at the top of the ‘to-do’ list. However, when he slowly plodded through the door into the lecture hall, he didn’t see anyone. Usually he was the last one in and was expecting an entire room full of eyes to be focused on him but there was nothing. Heading back out into the hall, he looked around. There were a few people milling about, and he recognized one of his classmates. He approached the boy.

“Hey, do we not have class today?” Leon asked confusedly. The cadet raised a brow at him as if he had grown a second head.

“No? Classes were canceled for today, and tomorrow. Some were cancelled yesterday too. The Instructors were called away for something,” the other answered.

“Oh. Thanks,” the Carrier said, leaving the area and heading down the hall to the elevator. His intention was to find Zell again, but his search was cut short when the doors popped open on the ground floor and the blonde was standing there.

“Oh! You saved me a trip. I was just coming to get you,” Zell said with a smile. “My class—“

“Is canceled,” Leon answered for him as he stepped out into the atrium.

“Yours too?”

“All of them are from my understanding.”

“Oh. I wonder if we were told and neither of us paid attention. Seems like sort of an important detail.”

“Well if they had made an announcement we would’ve noticed.”

“Not necessarily. In the computers we have a student account that lets us access the school’s network and they tend to communicate through that.”

“An e-mail,” Leon concluded.

“A what?” Zell asked confusedly. Either the blonde wasn’t very computer savvy or Balamb’s computer systems weren’t as advanced at the ones the Carrier usually dealt with because Zell seemed genuinely perplexed by the term. Either option was very likely.

“Never mind,” Leon said, waving a dismissing hand.

“Okay… well, I always forget to check mine because they don’t really push it on us so I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t even know I had one so I guess we’re both on the same wavelength on this.”

“Yeah. But we suddenly have a couple days off, so what do you want to do?” Zell asked. He and Leon started walking together, heading back in the general direction of the dormitories. The Carrier was quiet for a moment as he seriously considered what he felt like doing. Having loads of sex was always okay, but they’d be able to do that later. For now he wanted to do something a little more meaningful and have a chance to talk to his friend.

“Would you be willing to show me more piano stuff?” he asked. The blonde looked up at him with a raised brow.

“Sure. We haven’t done it in a little while, I was beginning to think you weren’t into it,” Zell said.

“It’s not that, it’s just that your lack of clothing is very distracting at times,” Leon retorted. The blonde laughed a little.

“I’m not going to apologize.”

“I didn’t want you to.”

They walked in silence to the back of the school where the old music halls had been and went about sneaking into the storage room again where all the old instruments were. Still as dark as ever, Zell fumbled around like a lost child for a while until they were able to make their way to where the piano was in the middle of the space. The blonde had given Leon a couple lessons after the initial one several months ago, but it hadn’t been a priority for them. The Carrier figured that if he really wanted to learn, he would have to take it upon himself to do it when he and Cloud returned home together. He still wasn’t sure if he was going to, but the idea was there.

“I actually wanted to come back here because I wanted to talk to you about some things,” Leon said. They had been plinking around on the piano for all of fifteen minutes when the Carrier finally mustered up the courage to start talking about the bigger problem. His heart was racing and he could already feel how difficult it would be to say goodbye.

“Yeah?” Zell asked, his hands on the keys hesitating for a moment. The blonde could feel the tension radiating off his friend and knew whatever needed to be spoken wasn’t going to be the greatest news. Leon was quiet for a long moment.

“Cloud and I need to leave,” the brunette blurted quickly.

“When?” Zell asked.

“Tomorrow,” Leon said hesitantly. Zell took his hands off the keys entirely, then. He sat still, staring in front of him, for several minutes. The Carrier couldn’t decide how to take the reaction and wondered if the blonde was going to be angry with him. He wanted to shake Zell and get him to say something, but he resisted and let his friend decide when to speak.

“That’s really sudden,” the blonde finally said.

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

“Because the decision happened yesterday.”

“Oh. That doesn’t really help me feel better. It’s still really sudden.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t actually want to leave but I have to.”

“Yeah. You told me you were going to go at some point; I guess I should’ve seen it coming,” Zell said. He looked up at Leon with a wavering smile. “I wish you guys luck. Where are you headed? Back to Esthar?”

“No. We’ll be going to Trabia first for a bit of layover before heading north.”

“What’s up north?”

“It’s hard to explain. It’s a village. Somewhere safe. So safe that it’s completely off anyone’s radar as far as I know.”

“Oh. That sounds nice.”

“It’s very nice.”

“And you’re going there to… wait out the war?”

“Sort of. Mostly to do work. There’s a lot to do and we need to get started fixing things.”

“Fixing what?” Zell asked, turning in his seat to face Leon properly.

“In a broad sense? The world. But it’s really more like we’re making a part that will help the overall picture,” the Carrier said. Zell raised a brow. He seemed fascinated.

“That sounds like a big job.”

“It is.”

“I didn’t realize you were part of something so big. I didn’t even know there was anything that was helping the world other than Balamb trying to slow Midgar down.”

“Well, it’s a good thing this village is off the radar then,” Leon concluded. He felt bad for lying to Zell, but he knew it couldn’t be helped.  Plus, he also knew that even if he went into more detail that it wouldn’t matter in the end. Zell wouldn’t follow him.

“I hope it goes well for you,” the blonde said.

“Thanks. We’ll make it work,” Leon said with a tiny smile. He hated how upset Zell seemed. The blonde was uncharacteristically quiet for a long moment as he mulled the information over.  But, after a while, he picked his spirit up again and gave the Carrier a forced smile.

“I’ll just have to teach you some stuff to take with you, then,” he said as he turned in his seat again to face the piano keys.

“I was hoping you would,” Leon admitted.

“Well, you’re behind. We have a lot of work to do. Hope your ass likes hard wooden seats because it’s going to be here for a while.”

Leon laughed softly. “I’ll be fine.”

\---------

 _“Are you a magician?”_ Cloud asked, looking down at the clothing Leon had purchased for him. He was wearing them, and he was fascinated.

 _“No? Why?”_ Leon asked.

 _“Every time anyone has ever bought me clothing without me being there, the sizes have been all over the place. These fit,”_ the blonde said, pulling at the soft fabric a little.

_“Well, you’re more or less my size; just a bit shorter. It’s not really magic when you have something to compare to. Now, when you gain some more weight back and you’re able to function properly again, we may run into issues if you send me out to buy you pants but that’s a while from now.”_

_“Sort of sad to say that you’re my size only when I’m underweight and weak.”_

_“I never claimed to be a big guy. Once I’m back on my proper diet, I’ll fill out a bit more too. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I could break you in half over my knee, though.”_

_“Oh-ho! Again, you make these claims while I’m unfit and weak.”_

_“In time you’ll understand that I will forever be physically stronger than you, Cloud. You better get used to it now,”_ Leon said nonchalantly.

 _“Right. Sure. We’ll see about that,”_ the blonde said, taking a seat on his bed. He tried to lean over the edge to lace up his boots but his back wounds started to resist so he settled for scooting farther back and bringing his leg up. His Carrier noticed the discomfort.

 _“Shouldn’t be too long before your back is better and you can move around normally,”_ the brunette said, folding another of Cloud’s shirts and stuffing it in their luggage. Between the two of them, they only had one bag for regular clothing. The rest of their supplies were mostly water, blankets, and warm outdoor clothing so they wouldn’t freeze once they got past Trabia. Or rather, it was so Cloud wouldn’t freeze once they were past Trabia.

 _“The scabs are the most annoying part,”_ Cloud muttered.

 _“They’ll flake off eventually_ ,” Leon said. There was a knock on the window that drew their attention to it. It was Zell, and he was toting two chocobos with him. The Carrier went to the window and pushed it open.

 _“Remind me why we’re leaving out the window and not through… like, the zillions of doors this place has,”_ Cloud said skeptically.

 _“Because dragging a bunch of luggage through the school is suspicious,”_ Leon said. He smiled a bit at Zell, who gave him a small one in return. They had spent whole of the previous day and evening together, trying to make the most of what little time they had left. It had been as enjoyable as it was painful; the constant reminder that it was the end looming over them for its entirety. Despite what Zell told him, Leon could feel the pain the blonde was feeling. He knew the cadet felt more for him than he was willing to admit and was fighting with himself. Emotion versus duty. It was a hard to pick a side with that sort of mental battle. Leon could empathize with that; he was fighting the same one.

“All set?” Zell asked quietly. Leon nodded and started to pick up the bags from the floor and hand them to his friend through the window.

 _“It’s too warm outside for clothes this heavy,”_ Cloud interjected, pulling the front of his shirt away from himself and letting it go again as he attempted to get some airflow underneath the fabric.

 _“It’s not **that** warm. Plus, it’s not going to be this way for very long. Once we’re on the boat you’ll be cold,”_ Leon said as he worked.

_“Boats. Goody. I remember the last boat I was on. It wasn’t a fun experience as I recall.”_

_“That was a raft. This is a proper ship.”_

_“It doesn’t matter. It still makes me sick, and it still makes me be in the water if it goes down. And in case you haven’t been paying attention, I haven’t exactly had time to learn how to swim.”_

_“I’m not going to let you drown,”_ Leon said with a tiny sigh. He picked up the backpack that held his computer and otherworldly supplies and handed it to Cloud. _“Put that on.”_

 _“If this thing makes my back bleed, I’m giving you an earful,”_ the blonde muttered as he shrugged the pack on.

 _“You already give me an earful and your back isn’t even that bad anymore_ ,” Leon grumbled. He stepped back to their joint piece of luggage and zipped it closed before hefting it out the window as well. Zell took it and carried it to Binky where he secured it to the bird along with the rest of the bags. Leon turned to Cloud and held his hand out to his Charge. _“Come on. Unless you think you can pull yourself through the window.”_

 _“Can I at least try first?”_ Cloud asked crankily. He stood and went to the window. Placing his hands on the sill, he attempted to use what little upper body strength he had left to push himself up enough to get a leg up and through the opening. Leon watched with a curious eye as the blonde’s arms visibly quivered under the strain before Cloud eventually gave up and stopped trying with a dejected sigh. The blonde’s cheeks were already turning a deep shade of pink with the embarrassment. Before he could get too upset, the Carrier stepped in and knelt next to him and laced his fingers together. He held his hands out for the blonde to use like a step without saying anything. Cloud obliged him, and used his help to be lifted out the window. Zell helped him on the other side and soon he was grumpily standing outside on his own. Leon jumped through the window quickly afterward and pulled it closed again.

“We’re going right to the port, yeah?” Zell asked, looking at Leon. The brunette nodded.

“Right. If I timed this right, we should catch the next ferry out.”

“Okay,” the cadet said, going to his bird and quickly hefting himself up onto it’s back. Binky was knelt down on the ground waiting for Leon and Cloud.

 _“Wait, he’s coming with us?”_ Cloud asked, taking note on how there were three riders, but two birds. He had assumed both birds were for Leon and himself.

 _“He is for part of the way, yes. He doesn’t have class today for some reason,”_ Leon responded. He and Zell had found out that, like the day before, classes for the day had been cancelled. In fact, they had gone so far as to notice that almost all of the instructors weren’t even on campus. The Carrier had an idea where everyone might have gone, but he didn’t want to think about it.

 _“There’s only two chickens,”_ Cloud said with a scowl.

 _“Well, did you happen to bring one for yourself?”_ Leon asked. Cloud glared at him. _“I didn’t think so. Looks like we’re sharing,”_ the Carrier added, going to take his place in Binky’s saddle. His Charge huffed and puffed in his place for a moment before begrudgingly taking his seat behind the Carrier.

Once Cloud was in place and was busy adjusting himself so nothing precious was being crushed, a tight knot of anxiety hit Leon in the chest. A flood of memories came crashing back that made him suck in a hard breath and hold it. His grip on the chocobo’s reins tightened and he forced his eyes closed, attempting to push the thoughts aside. Cloud’s scent coming over his shoulders and the feeling of the blonde’s hands moving around behind him felt frightening familiar. He half expected to be hauled backwards by the top hem of his pants again.

“Leon?” Zell piped when he noticed the brunette’s expression. The Carrier could feel a light trembling that twitched through his muscles. It made his hands shake a little, but it was enough for Zell to notice. The blonde clambered off his bird and went to the brunette’s side. He laid a hand on Leon’s shoulder which made the other visibly jump. The Carrier’s eyes popped open and he stared at Zell with fear plain on his face. His friend’s eyebrows pushed together worriedly.

 _“What’s your problem?”_ Cloud suddenly asked, peering around Leon’s shoulder to look at his face. The brunette leaned away from him and avoided eye contact. He reached forward and grabbed the loose hem of Zell’s shirt.

“Let me ride with you instead,” the brunette muttered quickly, pulling himself towards his friend.

“Yeah, of course,” Zell agreed readily, helping Leon to his feet. Cloud watched the exchange with a confused expression. He didn’t have much time to react, though, because Binky abruptly stood when Zell started to pull the bird towards his own. The Charge had to grab the saddle to keep himself from falling off as they moved. He wanted to press more questions, but he didn’t believe he’d get any answers with how easily he was brushed off just a moment before.

With Leon and Zell parked on the blonde’s bird, and with Binky’s lead attached to the other chocobo’s saddle, they were finally able to head off towards their destination. Cloud watched the pair closely despite the feeling of disgust picking at him. He was genuinely curious as to what Leon’s issue was and felt that he was missing a huge piece of the puzzle. Leon had all but cemented himself to Zell’s back and his attention was focused everywhere else but Cloud. The pair murmured light conversation between the two of them that the Charge couldn’t understand.

“You scared me. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you make a face like that,” Zell said, looking over his shoulder at the brunette. He couldn’t see Leon’s face. Laying a hand over the ones wrapped around his chest, he sighed deeply. “Care to tell me what that was about? I’m worried,” he asked despite not expecting an answer.

“Not really,” Leon said quietly. His friend was quiet for a moment before he let out another sigh.

“Leon, we’re saying goodbye soon. I would appreciate if you’d alleviate at least **some** of the worry I feel. I know it’s rude of me to ask so much, but I really don’t feel like I can peacefully let you leave me without knowing what’s up,” Zell said gently. Leon pressed his lips into a straight line as he rested his forehead between the blonde’s shoulder blades. He let his eyes close.

“I thought I was over it,”the Carrier muttered.

“It?”

“Yeah. I hadn’t thought about it in so long, it didn’t even occur to me to think to prevent… flashbacks? I guess? I don’t really know what to call it.”

“Flashbacks? You mean when you were—“

”Yes,” Leon blurted quickly. Anxiety was bubbling up again and he had a strong desire to hear every other word in his vocabulary except for ‘rape.’ Zell was quiet for a moment as his mind started to piece together the details.

They silently travelled for a short while, until the school was a fair distance away, before Zell abruptly brought his bird to a halt. Leon picked his face up from the blonde’s back with a raised eyebrow. Binky stopped a few feet behind them and let out a soft twitter as he stared at the others in front of him with huge curious glassy eyes. Calmly, Zell pulled the Carrier’s hands off of him. Thinking the blonde wanted some space, Leon didn’t resist. His friend quietly scooted off the saddle and headed back towards Binky.

The Carrier’s eyes widened when he noticed thin iridescent green threads of the Lifestream trailing up from the grass. They appeared in the wake of Zell’s footsteps, pulling towards the blonde as he strode over to Cloud. Leon scrambled to get off the other bird when he realized what was going to happen. He was too slow, though.  Before anyone else could react, Zell had grabbed the front of Cloud’s shirt and ripped the taller blonde off Binky’s back. Unable to resist Zell’s strength, Cloud landed on the ground with a harsh thud and a loud yelp.

“Stop!” Leon called in a futile effort to get through to his friend.

“You piece of shit!” Zell roared, hauling Cloud up to his feet by the front of his shirt. He used both hands and lifted the taller blonde up until Cloud’s feet no longer touched the ground. Understandably, the Charge was immensely confused, and struggled as much as he could against the other’s grip, but it didn’t do much to save him. It wasn’t until Zell pulled back a fist - readying a punch - that he hesitated. Leon caught his arm and held it with an iron grip, his fingers digging into the other’s skin. His friend looked to him, and the rage immediately drained from his face when he saw the Carrier’s cold stare.

“Put him down,” Leon said icily. Zell seemed uncertain for a moment, but he eventually gave in and let go of Cloud. The Charge dropped backwards and flopped onto the grass with another hollow thud. Leon let go of his friend and went to help Cloud.

 _“What the fuck was that for?”_ Cloud asked spitefully as he reluctantly let the Carrier pull him to his feet.

 _“Don’t worry about it. He misunderstood something I said,”_ Leon muttered. It was a lie, but it was one that’d make his journey with Cloud easier. If he didn’t have to go through the mental agony of explaining the blonde’s sins to him in detail, he would rather avoid it. The brunette helped his Charge climb back onto Binky’s back before returning to Zell.

“I don’t understand,” the blonde said, the hurt evident in his voice.

 _“My ass better not be bruised,”_ Cloud abruptly interjected with a bit of a grunt.

 _“Nobody cares, Cloud. Be quiet,”_ Leon spat over his shoulder.

_“The hell is your problem? You weren’t the one that was randomly assaulted for no damn re—“_

_“I said be quiet!”_ the brunette barked, fixing an acidic glare on his Charge. Cloud glared back at him, looking more like a scolded child than a threatening adult, but remained quiet. Leon looked back to Zell, his expression softening. “I don’t expect you to understand,” he said gently, though his face was still tense.

“Do you really have to take him with you? Why would you put yourself through that knowing what he’s done to you?” the blonde asked. Leon started nudging him back to the other bird so they could continue on.

“If I was allowed to leave him behind, I would. If you were allowed to take his place, I’d take you with me in a heartbeat,” the Carrier said, pulling himself up into the saddle.

“Had I known about this sooner I never would’ve turned down your proposal to leave together,” Zell said, taking the brunette’s hand as it was offered to him. He settled on the saddle in front of Leon again with a heavy sigh. “I want to leave you even less, now.”

“You’d hate yourself if you came with me. I don’t hold it against you for staying behind. But not being able to protect your other loved ones would eat you alive over time. It’s best if you do what you need to,” Leon said.

“I can’t decide if I’d agree with you or not,” the blonde said.

“Can you see why I didn’t tell you?”

“Yeah. And I regret asking you to tell me. It didn’t ease any worry like I thought it would.”

“I’ll be fine. I just need some more time to move past it.”

The remainder of their journey was quiet. Cloud spent the time drifting between consciousness and a light sleep but couldn’t get anything restful. Binky’s uneven gait kept him from drifting off too heavily, which was a hidden blessing. Had he actually fallen asleep, his chances of actually staying on the bird were slim at best. However, the constant disturbance did nothing for his mood, and by the time they reached the city, he felt crankier than he had in months.

 _“I hate this bird,”_ Cloud said. _“Worst mode of transportation imaginable.”_

 _“Nobody cares, Cloud,”_ Leon responded flatly.

_“What crawled up your ass and died? You should be angry at your ass buddy for getting abusive, not blaming the victim over here; I didn’t do anything.”_

_“I like him more than you.”_

_“So? He still decided to get his panties in a twist and tried to beat the shit out of me for no reason.”_

_“You probably deserved it at some point.”_

_“I didn’t **do** anything!”_

_“Just stop whining at me. You’re wasting your energy.”_

_“Fuck you!”_

_“Wasting your energy.”_

_“Don’t think I won’t kill you in your sleep. Because I might.”_

_“At this point, Cloud, if it relieved all the headaches you’ve caused me, it’d be a godsend. I just don’t give a damn at this point,”_ Leon said, looking over his shoulder at his Charge. His response seemed to confuse the blonde. He offered no further explanation since the mystery behind his words kept Cloud’s mouth closed, granting him the silence he desired.

“This place is a ghost town. Where is everyone?” Zell said. Leon looked around at the normally bustling capitol city.

“You!” called an authoritative voice. The trio turned to the source just as a uniformed soldier came trotting up to them on his own chocobo which had been outfitted with lightweight plate armor. Leon raised a brow at the pair. “Why haven’t you evacuated yet?” the soldier demanded.

“Evacuated, sir?” Zell questioned.

“Yes. Evacuated. All civilians are being relocated to Trabia temporarily.”

“Has something happened?”

“Just a precaution. The city is almost completely empty. The last borough to be moved is the southwestern sector. Better get your place on one of the boats before you miss the opportunity and you end up stranded here,” the soldier said.

“Southwestern… borough—shit!” Zell said quickly before he spurred his chocobo in the sides with his heels. The bird lurched forward in an attempt to start galloping but it let out a squawk as Binky didn’t get moving right along with it and it was yanked back. After a moment of disjointed movements, the pair eventually fell in sync and were speeding through the empty streets together. Leon held onto Zell’s waist tightly and quietly wondered what the panic was for.

They came to a halt in the middle of a long alleyway that was speckled with doors all along the street. It was a series of small row houses, all neatly lined up, with only the colors of the doors and window frames discerning between the different residences. Zell was quick to dismount the bird and quickly stuffed his hands in his pocket for a set of keys. He hurriedly picked through them with lightly shaking fingers before he quickly jabbed a key into the lock of the door they had stopped in front of. He shoved the door open so quickly it smacked against the entryway’s wall.

“Damn it, Zell! You nearly scared the life out of me!” came a bellowing female voice from further in the house. Leon raised a brow and scooted off the chocobo.

“Ma! Why are you still here?” the blonde asked, sounding somewhat angry as he went inside. Leon quietly followed after him, his curiosity itching to be sated. He had never met Zell’s mother before, nor had he ever seen the inside of any of Balamb’s homes. However, the surroundings weren’t anything too unexpected. The walls and ceiling were made of some sort of poured masonry material that had been painted muted tones. The floors were wood, but weren’t very flashy.

If Cloud’s childhood home had stone walls and the floors were better taken care of, Leon wouldn’t have been able to tell much of a difference between the two residences. However, Zell’s home was considerably more modern in terms of utilities. The lights were brighter, which meant that the electricity was more substantial and worked better, and Leon couldn’t see any wood fireplaces or stoves for heating or cooking. However, it was clear that Zell’s mother liked glass. Lamp shades, bulb covers, vases with flowers, candle holders, window inlays; everything was made with an elaborate pattern of stained glass that had been painstakingly put together.

“I was thinking about it when you up and decided to blast in here like a bat out of the six hells! What do you think you’re doing coming in here like you own this place, Boy? You could’ve knocked,” the woman said angrily.

“A soldier said everyone is supposed to evacuate; you should be on a boat by now. In fact, you should be in Trabia by now,” Zell persisted, stepping into the dining room that branched off from the kitchen. His mother approached him with a crease in her brow and her hands on her hips. She was shorter than he was, making her a veritable midget compared to just about everyone else Leon had come across. Her face was aged and her shoulder length dark hair had streaks of gray dispersed throughout. Despite her stature, she had quite a bit of bulk to her. Her arms in particular were very masculine and the Carrier didn’t doubt that she was a very strong woman. However, she and her son looked nothing like one another in regard to facial features. And, unless she had Zell very late in her life, she seemed too old to have a son so young. It wasn’t what Leon was expecting.

“I’ll leave when I’m ready to, child. I have enough soldiers breathing down my neck to get me out of here; I don’t need you to chastise me like I don’t know what’s going on too,” she said, giving her son a hard smack on his forearm. “What are _you_ doing here? You should be in school getting ready.”

 _Getting ready?_ Leon thought.

“Getting ready?” Zell asked, parroting the Carrier’s confusion.

“We’re evacuating because there’re Esthar ships on the horizon and no one knows why. Or at least that’s why they tell us. The officials said they were going to recruit the second year students from the Garden to come assist. I was expecting to see you before I left, but you’re here early.”

“Esthar?” the blonde questioned. He was quiet for a moment before he turned enough to look at Leon. The Carrier did his best to seem surprised, though it was difficult. A lump of dread was forming in the pit of his stomach. Zell’s mother seemed to finally notice him.

“Oh! Hello. You were so quiet, I didn’t see you there,” the woman said, stepping around Zell to come greet him. She stopped in front of him and looked up into his face with a scrutinizing eye.

“Hel—“ Leon attempted to say, but he was cut off.

“Please tell me you and my son are involved, otherwise you might actually make this old woman cry,” she interjected. The Carrier went bug-eyed as he stared at her in silent shock.

“Ma!” Zell cried with a look of absolute horror on his face. He rushed over next to them and tried to pull his mother away from Leon but she brushed him off easily. “What’re you saying stuff like that for?!” the blonde persisted. His mother held her hand up to silence him, though. Her expression turned serious.

“Zell, for sixteen years, I’ve watched you grow up and become a wonderful young man. But not once was I ever introduced to any girls; be they friends or otherwise. Over the last few years, you gave me the sense that there had been _some_ semblance of relationships, but you still never said anything to me about them. It’s upsetting, as your mother, to think that you never had that sort of experience with anyone so I would like to think you’ve just been hiding things from me out of embarrassment or… whatever.”

“Ma—“

“Just tell me that I don’t have to worry. Tell me you’ve been loved by someone else other than myself at some point in your life,” the mother continued, giving her son a poignant look. The sudden shift in mood had anxiety bubbling up under Leon’s skin. He watched Zell closely, whose face was turning redder by the second.

“Wh-what’s that all of a sudden?” the blonde stuttered.

“Answer me,” the woman persisted. Zell stared at his mother for an awkwardly long time, unable to process everything she had just shoveled on him. The air grew so tense and so uncomfortable that Leon’s resolve broke.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s been loved,” the Carrier said, crossing his arms over his chest matter-of-factly. Or at least, that’s what he hoped the movement looked like. In reality, he just wanted to hide his shaking fingers somewhere inconspicuous. Zell’s attention snapped to him, the blonde’s eyes flicking between his mother and Leon. After another strange moment, he heaved a deep sigh and relaxed a little.

“I… yeah. I have been,” he said finally, giving his mother a tiny nervous smile. The woman beamed and abruptly threw her arms around Zell’s chest and hugged him tightly. The blonde hesitated, but eventually hugged her back, obvious confusion playing on his face.

“Good. Good. That makes me feel better,” she said, stepping away after she had her fill.

“Can… can I ask what that was all about?” Zell asked, rubbing the back of his neck in order to rid himself of the residual tension.

“I just needed to make sure that you lived a fruitful life before I say my goodbyes. Esthar suddenly appearing on the shoreline after decades of silence is a fairly damning thing, Zell. We’ve been over this before. It is very unlikely that I’ll see you again after today,” the woman explained quickly. She took a quick breath and let out a huff, trying not to let herself get too upset. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pack so I can get on to Trabia,” she added before turning on her heel and heading further into the house.

The awkward silence that ensued after Zell’s mother left them was deafening. Leon couldn’t bring himself to look at the blonde and stared at the floorboards with great determination. He was worried he had said too much, or insinuated something that wasn’t true. But the more he thought about it, the less he found he cared. He did love Zell, so the blonde was in fact loved even if the feelings weren’t reciprocated. He hadn’t lied, so he didn’t have any reason to be upset. Despite that, it still felt like a somewhat empty confession since he was well aware of the situation and how Zell made it very clear that they weren’t to be anything other than friends with benefits.

“You’re an asshole,” the blonde muttered after what felt like an eternity.

“Sorry,” the brunette said, glancing at his friend. He was surprised to find Zell’s eyes glistening with tears. “I’m sorry,” he repeated with earnest. “I didn’t mean—“

“Don’t fucking say you didn’t mean it, because I swear I will rip your lungs out if you didn’t actually mean what you said,” the blonde said, looking at him with a glare and a finger pointed in the Carrier’s face. Leon held up his hands defensively.

“I was going to say I didn’t mean to upset you,” the brunette rectified.

Zell’s bravado deflated quickly. “Good,” he said with a bit of a sigh. Quickly wiping his eyes, he kept his gaze averted for a long moment before he looked to Leon again. “You’re making this a lot more difficult than I had anticipated it to be.”

“Yeah. So I’ve discovered,” the Carrier said solemnly.

“This is also a lot more terrifying than I had anticipated it to be. I thought I’d at least be able to finish school before I had to focus on the big stuff.”

“I wish I had something encouraging to tell you, but I really don’t know what I can say to make it better.”

“I know. There isn’t much anyone can say, really. I’m glad Ma didn’t start crying though. I don’t think I’d be able to go through with it if she did.”

“I can see why. She seems like a tough lady.”

“Uh, yeah. She really is. She squeezed me so hard my ribs hurt,” Zell said, rubbing his side. Leon smiled.

“For what it’s worth, she’ll probably be on the same ferry Cloud and I will be on if it’s really one of the last ones. We can make sure she gets to Trabia in one piece.”

Zell nodded shallowly and stuck a hand in his back pocket. He pulled out an envelope and held it out for Leon. “Here. Take this.”

“What is it?” Leon asked, scrunching his brows together. Opening the envelope’s flap, he pulled out a wad of paper and some money.

“When you said you were going to Trabia, I gave one of the innkeepers a ring and reserved us a couple of rooms. One for Cloud and one for us. I had planned on surprising you with one more night together but… shit changes I guess,” the blonde explained, his cheeks a bit pink.

“Zell…”

“Take my mom with you. Make sure she gets set up somewhere halfway decent and not just dumped in a refugee tent in the snow. The paper in there has the reservations already set up and paid for, and the money is for… whatever else. Food and stuff. Take Cheese with you too.”

Leon blinked a few times. “Cheese.”

“Yes. My chocobo.”

“Your bird’s name is Cheese?”

“Hey, don’t judge me, man. I’ve had him since I was seven; I even remember when he didn’t have any feathers. He’s the color of cheese, okay? It makes sense,” Zell said, crossing his arms over his chest as he pressed his lips into a straight line.

Leon laughed. “It does.”

“Don’t laugh! He’s a badass old man. You’ll see.”

“Okay okay. But if I take him, how will you get back to the Garden?”

“I’ll grab a taxi or a military transport or something. If you take him, my mom will have somewhere to ride and once she’s in Trabia you can take him wherever you need to go after. It’ll keep you and Cloud separated. Deal?” Zell asked. Leon took a moment to absorb everything the blonde was so generously giving him before he nodded.

“Deal. Thank you.”

“It’s the least I could do to thank you for taking care of my mom and for all the fun we’ve had the last few months. It’s been pretty awesome; I won’t forget it.”

“Me either,” Leon said as he stuffed all the paperwork back in the envelope and put it in his own pocket. He barely had a second to breathe afterward before Zell suddenly hugged him around his middle. The brunette didn’t hesitate to hug him back firmly. A somewhat nervous silence passed between them.

“Can I ask you a question? And don’t get offended,” the blonde said.

“Sure.”

“You weren’t sent here by Esthar to be a spy were you?”

“No. Why are you asking?”

“Because your decision to leave was really sudden and you didn’t seem all that surprised to hear about them being here.”

“I found out about their advance the day before yesterday. Reno told me,” Leon said. He didn’t see the point in keeping any secrets, especially ones that couldn’t change anything if they stayed silent.

“How did _he_ know?”

“Because he worked for Rufus Shinra.”

“So he knew about this.”

“Yes.”

“And didn’t say anything.”

“Yes.”

“Makes me wish I had taken the time to wring his neck at some point.”

“I’ll do it for you. I’m not happy about it either,” Leon volunteered. It was a partial lie. He did wish Reno had said something to him about Esthar sooner, but he wasn’t so angry that he would actually bring it up to the redhead again.

“Good,” Zell said, pulling back just enough to see the Carrier’s face. The brunette gave him a wavering smile.

“I’m sorry. I wish it could’ve worked out better. Another night together would’ve been nice.”

“Yeah,” the blonde agreed. He moved his arms up and wrapped them around the Carrier’s neck and pulled them closer together. Leon hugged him tighter and buried his face in the side of the other’s neck, inhaling his scent and the comfort it brought him.

“Should I give you a minute?” another voice chimed in suddenly. Leon looked up and spotted Zell’s mother standing in the doorway between rooms giving them a small smile. Her son glanced over his shoulder at her and quickly shook his head.

“No. You need to get going and I should get back to school,” the blonde said blandly. He gently pulled back from Leon and went to go pick up his mother’s bag and carried it outside. She followed after him but stopped next to Leon and watched the blonde leave. Once he was gone, she looked up at him.

“He’s been happy, right?” she asked him. Leon nodded.

“Yes,” he answered. She nodded some, another smile pulling at her lips.

“Good. I’m glad,” she said as she headed for the front door.

Leon followed behind her quietly and shut the door behind him. To his surprise, the first thing he noticed was Cloud standing on solid ground again. He was leaning against Binky with his arms crossed over his chest. He raised a brow at the woman that had emerged from the home Leon and Zell had disappeared into. The last thing the Charge expected to come from the house was an older woman, but judging by the way she doted on Zell once her bag was taken care of, he could easily assume that she was Zell’s mother, so he said nothing. When she was finished with her goodbyes and Zell’s cheeks were thoroughly kissed, she quickly pulled herself up into Cheese’s saddle and waited patiently. Leon and Zell walked together past the chocobos towards the end of the alleyway. Once they were close to the main street, they stopped.

“Be safe,” Zell said, pulling Leon down for another hug.

“You too. As much as you can be,” the Carrier said. After a moment, they pulled back briefly before meeting again to a soft kiss. It was short and spoke a million goodbyes.

Neither of them could think of much else to say, and after a few more quick pecks, they parted again. Zell scooted backwards with his hands in his pockets, keeping sheepish eyes on Leon. Once he hit the main thoroughfare and was out of the alleyway, he pulled a hand up and gave a tiny quick wave goodbye before he turned on his heel and soldiered forward. With a little wave in response, Leon watched the blonde leave him. Zell was able to quickly flag down another passing soldier on her own chocobo, and after a short exchange, she helped pull him up into her saddle and they left together. Zell didn’t look back to see if Leon was still watching.

Once the blonde was out of sight, the brunette heaved a deep breath in an attempt to rid himself of the suddenly overwhelming feeling of loss that came crashing down on him. He took a moment to make sure he would stay in one piece before he eventually started walking back towards the awaiting caravan. Cloud was watching him closely. He stopped next to his Charge and met his eyes. He expected ridicule, some sort of immature jab at homosexuality, or at the very least a sneer. When he got nothing but a blank expression, he was surprised. Eventually, Cloud turned back towards Binky and grabbed hold of the saddle.

“ _Help me get back on this turkey,_ ” he said, giving the Carrier an expectant look over his shoulder.

“ _Not going to say anything?_ ” Leon asked, bending down onto one knee. He laced his fingers together so Cloud could use his hands as a step like he had done to get the blonde through the dormitory window.

“ _Did you want me to?”_ Cloud asked as he pulled himself up and swung his leg over Binky’s back.

“ _No, I’m just surprised._ ”

“ _Why would I say anything about being reminded of when I had to leave Nibelheim? If I remember correctly, I cried like a little bitch. It was one of the hardest things I had to do aside from put Nana in the ground. It sucked, and that feeling will probably never leave me. So no. I’m not going to say anything. Just because whatever-his-name-is is a guy and I find your relationship absolutely disgusting, I’m not going to make fun of you for being upset he’s gone. I’m actually sort of insulted that you think I’m so heartless_ ,” Cloud explained, giving Leon a scowl.

“ _Thanks_ ,” the brunette said.

“ _Whatever._ ”


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58

For as tough as Cloud attempted to act, Leon found it very amusing that all he needed to do in order to incapacitate him was put him on a boat. He was aware his Charge didn’t do well with planes, but boats were on another level. When they had escaped from Winhill, the Carrier couldn’t decide if the blonde’s sickness was due to being in the helicopter and then dumped into a shoddy raft, or if it was Mako withdrawal. Either way, after spending almost half an hour vomiting, Cloud had finally ran out of steam and curled up in the fetal position, partially tucked under Binky’s wing.

“Are you sure he’ll be alright?” Zell’s mother asked quietly, watching as Cloud shivered under his pile of blankets.

“Yeah. Give him a second to warm up and he’ll sleep,” Leon said, affixing the covers around his Charge carefully. Their situation on the refugee ferry to Trabia was not ideal. The ship was packed, and since they were able bodied and had chocobos with them, the trio had been parked on the top deck near the back of the vessel. But, they had been gifted extra blankets to compensate for the lack of hospitality and were offered warm tea. Only Zell’s mother took that particular luxury, though.

Binky and Cheese didn’t seem to care about what was going on. Both birds settled down together and created a bed of yellow fluff between them. Leon was able to wedge Cloud in the tiny gap there despite the blonde’s protesting. After a bit of resistance, his Charge gave in and decided that being between the birds was indeed the softest and warmest place to be and settled in. Everywhere else had hard flooring for seating and a cold breeze coming off the sea. Leon found himself shivering some, which was a new experience for him. He couldn’t remember a time where he was cold enough to actually shiver.

“Here,” the woman said, extending her blanket covered arm out towards him. He hesitated a little before scooting to her and taking her offer. She draped part of her blanket around his shoulders and pulled him against her side. Once they were comfortable, she patted his knee and leaned back against Cheese’s side, which was serving as their backrest.

“Thank you,” Leon said tiredly. He looked up at the overcast sky and sighed deeply, wishing for the sun to come out.

“Not a problem,” she said with a small smile. She studied the Carrier’s face for a moment. “Are you worried?” she asked.

“Worried about what?” he asked.

“Zell.”

“Yes. Aren’t you?”

“Not really.”

“I would think you’d have more of an excuse to be worried about him. You’re his mother.”

“Well, compared to where he was earlier in his life to where he is now, he’s improved and grown up a lot. I’m not just saying that, either. He’s really come around, and I’m proud of him. I know he’ll do well and make his father proud, too. Because of that, I know I’ll see him again. Just need to wait until this old body of mine tires out, is all,” the mother explained, giving Leon a warm smile. He could still see a haze of sadness in her eyes, but her words were genuine enough. Zell didn’t tell him much about the particulars of his life, and with the woman’s choice of words, his curiosity was piqued.

“Do you mind if I ask where his father is?” the brunette asked carefully.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“No. Didn’t really get that far. I’ve only known Zell since we started at the Garden together.”

“Ah, I see. Well, I don’t know how obvious he had been about it, but Zell is not actually my child,” the woman said.

“I suspected as much.”

“His father and my husband were very close friends. They had known each other for a very long time; grew up together and everything. They ended up joining the military together, were deployed together, were in the same squad, and… they died together,” she explained.

“I’m sorry. You don’t have to keep—“ Leon attempted to say. He didn’t know what he was expecting the woman’s story to be, but he still felt like he was ripping open an old wound. The woman shook her head and put her hand on his arm.

“It was a _very_ long time ago. Don’t worry. I can talk about it just fine,” she reassured. Pondering for a minute, she attempted to remember where she had left off. “Anyway, through our respective marriages, Zell’s mother and I had become pretty good friends ourselves. We even worked together in the same factory.”

“A factory?”

“Yes. Making bricks.”

“Bricks.”

“Yes. Why are you surprised?”

“I don’t know, actually. It just wasn’t what I was expecting.”

“Did you think I sat around knitting all day?”

“Well, no, not necessarily, but making bricks never really crossed my mind, either.”

“Between Winhill, Dollet, and Balamb, there were a lot of busted buildings that needed to be repaired. Bricks are a pretty hot commodity, considering. Someone has to make them while most of the men are away at war, you know?”

“You make a fair point.”

“Besides,” the woman said, holding up her arm. She bent it at the elbow and made a fist, flexing to show the definition in her bicep and forearm. “Moving pallets of bricks around is a pretty decent way to keep in shape.”

Leon laughed a little. “Also a fair point.”

“Anyway,” she repeated, nudging the Carrier in the side a little. “Once Zell’s mother got the notice that her husband had been taken from her, she fell to pieces. She was devastated. I wasn’t all that happy about it either but I had already been preparing for the worst and I think I was a little more mentally fit to accept that my own husband wasn’t coming home. It didn’t take long for her to deteriorate, and she eventually took her own life.

“I was the one that found her. She hadn’t shown up for work for two days without giving any notice, which was very strange for her. I went to her home to see if she was sick or something and that’s when I found her in the living room. She had taken a bunch of pills and collapsed on the floor. Zell was with her. He was absolutely filthy, looked like he had been crying for hours, every light in the house was on, and all the phones were off the hook. He had gotten into just about every closet and pulled everything out like he had been looking for something, too. I was very surprised he didn’t hurt himself and didn’t eat the pills she had left lying around,” the woman explained, looking down at her calloused hands.

“I never would’ve imagined he had such a story,” Leon said quietly, scrunching his brows together in thought.

“The hardest part of seeing that was he had pulled out a stuffed bear that he called Doctor Bear. It was actually a scientist, but it had a white coat and glasses like the doctor he went to so it ended up being a doctor anyway,” she said with a light laugh. She hesitated a moment before she heaved a deep sigh and her expression drooped. “But he had taken the bear and put it next to her. Like it was supposed to help,” she said. Her eyes were watering now. “That same day I filed adoption paperwork with the city council. He was about four when it happened. He still remembers it.”

“I… can’t even begin to grasp that sort of experience.”

“That’s totally fine. You shouldn’t be able to. It was very heartbreaking. I hated his mother for it, too. For so many years I cursed her in my head for being so damn selfish. Aside from giving up on everything and running away, she had to add insult to injury by leaving her child behind to starve to death. I’ve never been able to have children of my own despite my efforts, so that sort of rationale made absolutely no sense to me. It still doesn’t.”

“I’m with you on that. The guilt of leaving him behind would’ve been enough to stop me if I was her.”

The woman shrugged and wiped her eyes on the blanket. “I’m sure there was more to it than what we know as far as how deep her grief cut, but it’s…” she drifted. She sighed again. “Whatever. That’s history. It took Zell a long time to move past it, though. He regressed a lot developmentally, too. I had to potty train him again, I had to teach him how to say the alphabet again, and how to count to ten, and how to tie his shoes, and a bunch of other things; stuff he knew before she died. But the one that was the most difficult was getting him to talk. I practically had to force three word conversations out of him for almost a year because he _refused_ to do it.”

“Really? That’s surprising,” Leon said. He couldn’t imagine Zell being anything but cheerful and positive, so imagining him as a child and being horrendously depressed to the point of silence was very strange to him.

“Now, he’s nothing like he was when he was little. Even comparing him five years ago he’s like a completely different person. He still has some bad habits, though.”

“Does he?”

“Abandonment issues, mostly. I’m sure saying goodbye to you was very difficult for him even if he didn’t show it much,” the mother explained, giving Leon a meaningful look.

“Oh,” the Carrier responded flatly as more guilt piled onto his shoulders.

“But, I like to think I helped him understand the value of preparing to say goodbye even before you have an idea of when it’ll happen. It helped me move past losing my husband, anyway. I do sort of wish Zell would’ve told me whether or not he loved me, though.”

“He did. He’s said as much before,” Leon said, giving the woman a strange look. She raised a brow at him.

“Did he? He never told me to my face. It felt like he loved me but he never said it so I wasn’t sure. Didn’t want to assume.”

“Well, he did,” Leon reassured.

“I’m glad to hear it. I’m sure he loved you too.”

“I’m not so sure. He was very clear that what we had was temporary because of where we were and what we were training to do. Regardless, it makes me feel better to think he didn’t and it was easier to let go that way. Especially now, knowing his past and everything. I really don’t want to think my leaving devastated him,” the Carrier said, running his hand through his hair a few times to calm some of his sudden guilt and anxiety.

“I suppose you have a point, and if that makes you feel better, then that’s fine,” the woman agreed, giving him a soft smile.

\----------------

Cloud was awake and mobile again just as the sun began to set. Leon insisted that Zell’s mother switch places with his Charge so she could get some proper rest. To his surprise, she took him up on the offer readily and settled between Binky and Cheese just as Cloud had done. His Charge sat next to him, looking miserable.

“How’s your stomach?” Leon asked, taking in the blonde’s pale face and haggard expression.

“I don’t know. I can’t find it. It’s in the ocean somewhere,” Cloud said.

“That bad, hm?”

“It’s pretty uncomfortable. If I had anything solid in me, I’m sure I’d be trying to get rid of it right now. How long until we’re in… wherever we’re going?”

“We’re going to Trabia first. It’s not terribly far. We’ll be there before tomorrow. It’s really cold, though, so you should probably prepare yourself.”

“Oh wonderful.”

“Then after that we have to stomp through a few miles of tundra and snow. Which is also cold.”

“Even better. Let’s have a party to celebrate. I’ll bring the puke cake,” Cloud said, rolling his eyes.

“Then after that we get to stay underground for however long and then we get to go to where we’re staying permanently.”

“Underground?”

“Yes. The village we’re going to is underground.”

“Is it also cold?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Good. Is where we’re staying permanently also cold?”

“Not really. It can get pretty hot, though.”

“Ugh, why can’t everywhere just be mild? Yuck.”

“I could actually explain the weather and climate to you but it’s a really boring story. I don’t particularly want to,” Leon said, pulling his blanket around himself more. With what little sun they had trying to disappear behind the horizon, the temperature had dropped significantly. Cloud had taken most of the blankets he had when he was sleeping with him when he and Zell’s mother switched places. Despite that, he was still shivering just as much as before.

“No thanks,” the blonde said through chattering teeth.

“Squall?” chimed a suddenly female voice. Leon recognized it immediately and turned around to find the source.

“Quistis?” he questioned confusedly. He hadn’t expected to find anyone else he knew on the ferry with them. The instructor was dressed in a casual knit sweater and pants, which also contradicted what he thought she would normally be wearing; her uniform.

“Are you here on your own accord or are you here to assist?” she asked, raising a brow.

“Assist?” the Carrier parroted.

“Yes. Almost a fifth of the people on this ship are officers. We’re here to escort the civilians to Trabia. Some of the students from the Garden are also here so I wasn’t sure if you were here for that or not,” she explained, pushing her glasses further up her nose.

“You don’t look like you’re here on military detail.”

“Esthar binoculars can see far. We’re incognito. If they figure out soldiers are out here they might try to sink the ferry.”

“Oh.”

“Answer my question, please.”

“I’m here on my own accord. I believe we’ve been over this,” Leon said, giving a dismissive wave of his hand. He could recall a conversation he and Quistis had shared while in the Garden’s training facility when he was being assigned his specialty. The conversation was about why he was there in Balamb.

“I’m glad we could provide you with what you needed, then. You assured me that you wouldn’t defect to the other side once you were done using our resources, but forgive me for being suspicious of your timing. Choosing to leave when your home country is on our borders after years of silence? Something isn’t right here,” Quistis said, giving the Carrier a scrutinizing look.

“I’m not a spy,” Leon said.

“I don’t believe you. I don’t believe he isn’t one, either,” she said, pointing at Cloud. The blonde raised a brow at her confusedly. He had no idea what they were saying.

“If he’s a spy then consider us both fooled; he’s about a literate as a potato and hardly stealthy or crafty enough to do anything useful like that,” Leon said.

“I’ll apologize later if I find that you’re telling me the truth. However, consider yourself on watch until we figure that out,” the instructor said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Have fun with that. I’ll just be sitting here.”

“Good. See to it that you prove me wrong,” the woman said, turning on her heel so she could return to whatever it was she had been doing before noticing her former student.

“She was cute. A little too stern-faced, for me, but she’s pretty enough,” Cloud said when Quistis was a fair distance away.

“Yeah well, she thinks we’re both spies so we’re not really on her good side. I would advise against trying to get to know her.”

“Oh. I wish I did something exciting like that. It’d feel like the last few years of my life were less of a waste,” Cloud said, settling his elbow on his knee and his chin in his palm.

“You really feel that way?”

“Of course I do. I don’t remember most of it and what I do remember is full of blood and killing. All of it was a waste, not only of my time, but I’m not convinced that the people I remember killing really deserved it,” the blonde said casually. His tone was so nonchalant about his description that it caught Leon off-guard.

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, Aerith was one of them and another was a woman from Balamb. All I remember from her though, was that she looked really confused and she was talking really fast like she was trying to explain something. It’s sort of blurry,” Cloud said, rubbing an eye as if to clear his vision. His Carrier was intrigued.

“Did you always remember that or did it just show up after a while?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I just didn’t care enough to think it through so I never really remembered, or if it just came back randomly.”

“Will you tell me if you suddenly remember other things?”

“Like what other things?”

“Anything. I want to know if your memory is returning.”

“If I figure it out, I guess I’ll let you know.”

“Good. If you could remember things on your own, that’s a sign that the damage the Mako did to you might not be permanent. Do you remember anything else about the woman from Balamb?”

Cloud’s face turned thoughtful as he tried to focus, his eyes fixated on the deck floor. His voice was low. “I remember cutting her throat and pulling her head back by her hair like I was trying to open her neck as if it was a trunk lid. I remember the smell, and the blood. I also remember… satisfaction,” the blonde explained, his brows furrowing together.

“Satisfaction isn’t the same as taking pleasure in something. Explain that to me.”

“I don’t really think I enjoyed it, but I did feel some kind of… success? I guess? I have no idea. It’s sort of scary now that I think back on it. I don’t even remember why she was there in the first place, just that killing her made me feel better to some degree.”

“She was your final assignment in basic training. Killing her without hesitation was a sign that you were ready to move to the next step in your training. The facility they were keeping you in was a living hell. I wouldn’t be surprised if the satisfaction of passing your test came up; it meant you could leave there,” Leon said, hoping that the explanation would give Cloud some peace with what he had done. However, all he received was a blank and focused stare at the flooring underneath them. The blonde wasn’t showing much emotion, which was a little unsettling to Leon. He wasn’t sure how he felt about being unable to read what his Charge was thinking; not that he ever had the ability to begin with.

“Makes sense,” was all the response Cloud would give him. After another moment of quiet stony pondering, the blonde shrugged a bit and seemed to brush the subject off. He turned his aquamarine eyes to the Carrier. “What?” he asked, his tone turning annoyed with how the brunette was staring at him.

“Nothing,” Leon said.

“You say that, but I don’t believe you.”

“I was just watching you for any reaction to what you did.”

“I don’t feel anything so I can’t really react to it.”

“You don’t feel guilt?”

“Not really. I’m more interested in being able to remember stuff again.”

“I see,” Leon said with a bit of a sigh. The utter lack of feeling about murdering someone innocent was perplexing. The Carrier couldn’t fathom having that sort of disconnect from reality. Cloud’s reaction scared him. When it came time to transition over to their new home, would his Charge be able to adjust to the way society worked? Would he be able to understand that he couldn’t just take a random woman and have his way with her whenever he wished? Or that he couldn’t threaten people to get what he wanted without consequence? Even if he did get punished for any of it, would he feel remorse? It was a mystery; one Leon dreaded figuring out.

Leon didn’t have much time to think about a plan of action because his thoughts were abruptly interrupted by a blood curdling scream. The sound came from a woman that was a short distance away from them who had been standing on the deck looking out at the ocean behind them. She clapped her hands over her mouth as sobs started tumbling from her throat. Leon was on his feet in an instant to see what the problem was. Most of the other people around them joined him. Strangers started running for the woman and soon more cries of horror and bewilderment joined her. The Carrier had to weave and push his way through the sudden crowd so he could see what they were looking at.

Balamb and the Esthar fleet were tiny formations on the horizon by that point but the enormous pillar of smoke that billowed out of the city was clearly visible. Miniscule sparks of light sparkled briefly from the enemy warships and a brief moment later even more smoke and explosions erupted from the capitol in response. The shocked shrieks of the people around him – mostly from the women – pierced Leon’s ears as the color drained from his face. Perhaps even more frightening was something he wasn’t sure everyone else was paying attention to. In the ocean a short distance away from them there was a black oblong form that was steadily closing the distance between them and increasing in size as it came closer to the surface of the water.

One of the onlookers finally noticed the foreign object in the water and pointed at it which brought forth a raucous bout of terrified cries before the crowd began running away from the edge of the ship to the other side. Leon stayed where he was, however. He wanted to know what was happening so he could properly deal with the situation. He wasn’t convinced that what was coming towards the ferry was a projectile; it was too slow. Regardless, he knew it couldn’t be good.

An alarm started to ring out, and a swarm of people emerged from the lower decks of the ferry. They filtered in amongst the civilians, which prompted people to move away and give them space. In short order there was a large squad of casually dressed soldiers lined up in neat rows of eight. A man Leon had never seen before started to climb up a ladder that was fastened into the wall of the ferry’s middle superstructure. Quistis followed him once he was halfway up and they both stood near the railing, looking down at their troops. The man took up a megaphone that had been fastened to his belt.

“There is a hostile submersible to our starboard side. Esthar has officially started their assault on the capitol and therefore we do not need to practice discretionary tactics. Do not hesitate to take any shot you can; civilian safety is foremost. I repeat: do not hesitate,” the man said sternly, his voice icy and unfeeling. Once he lowered the megaphone, the soldiers on the deck quickly threw up their arms in a uniform salute. They slowly broke their formation shortly after as they decided amongst themselves where their best positions would be. A few pairs broke off from the group and started ushering civilians away from the edges of the ship and towards the middle. Leon went back to Cloud and Zell’s mother and sat next to them worriedly.

“What’s going on?” Cloud asked.

“Esthar began attacking the capitol and there’s a submarine or something near us that’s not ours. This could get bad very quickly,” the Carrier explained.

“Oh. That’s sort of weird,” the blonde said calmly.

“You don’t seem surprised.”

“I am. I just find it hard to care.”

“What—really? You should care if the boat sinks,” Leon said, scrunching his brows together.

“I know I should, but I don’t,” Cloud said with a tiny shrug. The Carrier stared at him for a long moment with a confused look. The blonde’s mental status was in question but he didn’t have time to think too much on it. He had to think of the safest place on the boat so he could put his Charge and Zell’s mother there. But the ferry was filled with people already; there weren’t many places they could go.

“Whatever. I’ll care so you don’t have to, then. I need to find somewhere to put you two,” the brunette said. Everywhere seemed like a bad place. The lower decks were full of people already and there weren’t any open compartments big enough to fit adults into. Besides, despite being out in the open, trapping Cloud and Zell’s mother below deck or in a small space seemed like a bad idea if the hull was breached and suddenly places started filling with water.

“Here is fine,” Cloud said flatly.

“It’s too open—“ Leon attempted before his words were cut short as the ferry abruptly shook. Screams of surprise rang out from the other passengers as the Carrier fumbled to his feet. Driven by curiosity, he went to look over the side of the ship. He expected a giant gaping hole in the side where a missile had hit them.

Instead of a hole, however, he could see a large harpoon-like spear sticking out from the metal that had a thick chain trailing behind it. The chain was linked to the submarine that had been following them. The submersible had crested the water’s surface and was being pulled along by the ferry as if it was a tugboat. It wasn’t a very big vessel as far as war submarines went, and Leon was unsure of how many people could be inside. He didn’t have to wait very long to find the answer, either. The hatch on the top of the submarine opened and people in strange uniforms began climbing out.

“I would suggest standing back,” Quistis suddenly said from behind him. Leon glanced over his shoulder as the woman approached him.

“Do any of you even have any weapons? What’s going to happen?” the Carrier asked worriedly as she simply stood next to him and looked down at the submarine and it’s deploying soldiers.

“We do, just not very many,” she said casually, looking back to the ferry’s superstructure where another soldier had been stationed with a sniper rifle. He was watching Quistis intently. The woman pointed down at the Esthar soldiers and the sniper nodded, setting up for a shot. Leon looked back to the submarine as the gunshot sounded. The bullet collided with one of the soldier’s shoulders and he staggered from the impact, but stood upright again. There was no reaction otherwise. There was no blood.

“What…” Leon said, sounding stupefied.

“Well that simplifies things.”

“What do you mean?”

“You should know how your own military works, yes?”

“I’m… not familiar, no. Call me simple, I guess.”

“It doesn’t matter. You need to get to safety. They’re on their way,” Quistis said, nudging the Carrier away from the railing by the shoulder. He could see the strange soldiers beginning to use the large chain as a sort of makeshift ladder as they climbed up to the ferry’s hull. But at Quistis’ urging, Leon turned away from the edge and headed for where she was pushing him.

The civilians had all been rounded up and put in the middle of the top deck in a huddle. Several Balamb soldiers were sitting in a ring around the group with their backs to the people.  Leon was one of the last of the civilians to join them, and once everyone was in place, the soldiers all took the same meditative position. Within seconds a large green iridescent circle etched itself in the surface of the deck, connecting the soldiers to one another. Threadlike wisps of the Lifestream surged up and around, following the line of the circle until they all met at one point over the people making a dome. The shape shimmered lightly for a brief second before it became as clear as glass. Fascinated, Leon reached out towards the barrier. His fingertips bumped into the solid invisible surface, making the shape ripple lightly under his touch. It was warm.

“Please don’t touch it,” the nearest soldier said, breaking the silence. The Carrier immediately pulled his hand away and turned back towards the crowd. Cloud and Zell’s mother were easy to spot since Cheese and Binky made them stick out like a sore thumb.

“What did you see?” Zell’s mother asked as the brunette took a seat with them.

“Esthar soldiers climbing up the hull,” Leon said. As soon as he finished his sentence, gunshots began rocketing across the deck from several different directions as the hostile soldiers began pulling themselves up over the railings.

Perhaps the most frightening thing about the ship being boarded was that the soldiers doing the invading didn’t have much reaction to the barrage of bullets that came hurdling at them in quick succession. Sure, their bodies jerked and moved with the impacts but none of them cried out, none of them bled, and they most certainly didn’t stop their advance. Once individual soldiers were able to stand on their own feet, they began attacking any nearby forces that weren’t their own.

Each one was clad in a skintight silver bodysuit that had large patches of metallic green and blue material at each major joint on their limbs. Their helmets were almost insect-like with oversized blue orbs for eyes and a large green gem on the forehead.  Each soldier was equipped with a crescent shaped blade that had three gun barrels jutting from the hilt similar to a Gunblade but were much smaller. To Leon, it looked like a bladed pickaxe with an oversized pistol attached to the handle.

The Carrier was quick to discover that Quistis was telling the truth: there weren’t many weapons on board the ferry. What bullets they did have had little effect on the strange soldiers, and it took several clips of ammunition to take a single one of them down. Before long, the shots stopped and the real fight began. Leon kept his eyes on Quistis, who didn’t seem very concerned about the situation as she waited for her opportunity to strike.

Quistis stuck her hand under her loose fitting sweater and pulled down and out. The handle of her whip emerged from under the fabric with the length of the weapon quickly unraveling from her torso. The whip’s thong looked different from the last time Leon had seen it. He could see metallic pieces of chording woven between the threads. These proved to be crucial because Quistis raised her hands towards the sky as the familiar green line from the Lifestream spun around her feet and the purplish orbs rose.

Above them, the clouds began to gather in a central point above the ferry and darkened. The Esthar soldiers stopped their assault on the few Balamb soldiers they managed to make contact with and looked up at the sky. Almost immediately, in a uniform moment of recognition, all of their attention snapped to Quistis. They started running towards her, but several Balamb soldiers jumped in their path in order to hold them off for just a few seconds more.

The crowd of civilians all let out a collective frightened scream as several lightning bolts plummeted from the dark cloud cover straight into Quistis’ hands. The flash of light that followed when they made contact temporarily blinded nearly everyone in the immediate vicinity, and when he could finally see again, Leon gaped at Quistis in shock and amazement.

The woman’s eyes were glowing, but not glowing like a Midgar soldier’s would. Instead of just the irises lighting up, her entire socket emitted an almost tangible-looking shaft of light. The menacing development was made even more terrifying by the fact that she was completely calm, standing her ground in the face of a throng of Esthar soldiers heading for her. Crackling electricity sparked down the length of her whip, and when she raised her arm again with the intent of sending it forward, Leon could see the voltage arc between her arms and the rest of her body briefly.

Rearing back, Quistis let out a loud growling yell as she put forth all her effort to lash forward. Upon hearing her, every Balamb soldier stopped what they were doing and immediately buckled to the deck, curling up on their knees and covering their heads with their hands. As soon as they all made contact with the floor, tiny individual barriers like the ones covering the civilian group encased them leaving the Esthar soldiers somewhat dumbfounded for a split second, but it was long enough for Quistis.

The length of Quistis’ whip flew in an arc, cracking electricity the entire way. As soon as it connected with the deck floor, hundreds of prongs of lightning shot out in every direction, colliding with every surface and unprotected Esthar soldier. The resulting crack of sound was deafening. The civilian barrier and each individual Balamb soldier barrier became an exited cacophony of ripples making the view of the scene distort into meaningless static. The entire sequence took less than ten seconds from beginning to end, and once the barrier calmed again, every Esthar soldier had collapsed to the deck. Leon was astounded as he watched the nearest Esthar body twitch and jerk with residual shocks.

Quistis, who was breathing heavily but seemed no worse for wear, walked to the edge of the deck and looked over the railing. What few Esthar soldiers remained that had been climbing the side of the ferry and up the giant projectile’s chain had been knocked into the water with the force of her blast. Most were swept under the ferry’s undertow and only two were able to grab hold of the chain again and attempt to climb back up. However, armed Balamb gunmen were quick to step in and they were quickly knocked back into the water with the rest.

Once everything calmed, the barriers surrounding the people lowered and the soldiers began checking on the civilians and cleaning the deck of the bodies. Leon was still somewhat dumbfounded by the whole ordeal, and it took him several moments for reality to come back to him enough so he could breathe again. He looked to Cloud. The blonde didn’t notice him as he was staring intently at Quistis, who was talking with two other female soldiers who seemed to insist on checking her over to make sure she was alright.

“She’s really something,” Zell’s mother abruptly interjected, pulling Leon’s attention to her. The woman was smiling.

“Y-yeah…” he said hesitantly. He looked to Cloud again and put a hand on his Charge’s shoulder. The blonde blinked several times before turning his attention to him.

“I don’t think those soldiers are dead,” Cloud said hoarsely. Leon raised a brow.

“Why do you say that?” he asked.

“I didn’t see the Lifestream leave them. Why is everyone so calm? They’re going to get up again, aren’t they?”

“I… don’t know. That’s a good point. Hang on,” Leon said, pushing himself up. He jogged across the deck to Quistis.

“What’s wrong?” the woman asked, seeing the brunette’s worried face when he approached.

“Are they all really dead?” the Carrier questioned. “They didn’t give up any energy or anything.”

“You really don’t know?” Quistis asked.

“No. What am I missing?”

“They didn’t give up any life energy because they were never really alive to begin with. They were machines.”

“Like robots?”

“Not quite. The military calls them cyborgs, but these ones seemed less human than previous iterations. Esthar’s bionics must have advanced more over the years. I could tell what they were as soon as we shot one and it didn’t really notice. Even Midgar soldiers react to gunshots even if they’ve completely lost their minds to Mako. It’s sort of fascinating, really.”

“It’s terrifying,” Leon said flatly. “That means Esthar doesn’t need to enslave its population to make more soldiers like Midgar does. They just make them in a factory or something.”

“It’s a society that has the humanitarian environment of Balamb but the productivity and power of Midgar, or so they say. It’s really what the entire world should be in an ideal scenario. But you would already know that, wouldn’t you? Unless you’re not actually from Esthar,” Quistis said, turning a scrutinizing eye to Leon. The Carrier fidgeted and couldn’t meet her serene eyes. “Honestly, Squall, I don’t care where you’re from at this point. You’re leaving and your ignorance on Esthar and how they function is believable. You can calm down.”

“Sorry,” the Carrier murmured.

“Why are you apologizing? You didn’t do anything.”

“Just felt like I should. I didn’t do anything, but I do have my secrets. They’ve sort of been biting me in the ass for a while so I’m used to apologizing for them.”

“Well, so long as they don’t cause a problem for me or the people here, I don’t care,” Quistis said, pushing her glasses up her nose again. She looked out towards the ocean. “All I’m concerned about is getting to Trabia in one piece. That submarine snuck up on us pretty easily despite us watching the waters. It was cloaked somehow, and I hope we’re not floating above a hundred more just like it.”

“Yeah. Me too.”


	59. Chapter 59

Chapter 59

“I think I might cry,” Cloud said blandly. Leon raised a brow at him.

“What? Why?”

“Standing on solid ground has to be one of the most beautiful experiences of my entire life.”

“I wasn’t aware your distaste for boats cut so deep.”

“I _really_ hate boats. And planes. Give me dirt and a set of wheels and I’ll be happy forever.”

“It’s that simple, hm?” Leon asked, bending at the waist. He picked up a clump of frozen mud and handed it over to the blonde. Cloud furrowed his brows.

“Why do I have this?”

“Because it’s dirt. I know it’s not the complete package, but it should make you happier, right?” Leon said, his face completely straight as he looked at the blonde expectantly. Cloud narrowed his eyes on the Carrier as he tried to decide if the brunette was being serious or not. Leon couldn’t hold a straight face for very long; after a few quiet seconds passed, he cracked a bit of a smile and laughed lightly. “You look so confused.”

“Shut up,” Cloud quickly spat and threw the piece of earth at the Carrier. Leon brought his arms up to block his face and the clod smacked into the arm of his jacket. The brunette laughed outright, which made his Charge angry. “I was trying to figure out if you took me seriously or not.”

“You can rest assured that I’m not that stupid,” Leon said, brushing the dirt off his arm.

“Still had to make sure,” Cloud spat grumpily.

Trabia was a small icy blessing on a very tumultuous voyage if only for the simple fact that it was away from explosives and it wasn’t floating on the water. Once the trio was off the ferry, they huddled together off to the side and let the other passengers get past them. There was a long line of people heading in one direction where an encampment of huge tents had been set up to shelter the refugees. The pine colored temporary structures stuck out against the snow, which made them stark and uninviting. Their group wouldn’t be sleeping there that evening, Leon was happy to say.

“We have reservations at an inn,” the Carrier said to Zell’s mother, pulling the envelope his friend had given him out of his pocket.

“I feel bad taking a more comfortable room from someone who needs it when I’m perfectly capable of sleeping on a cot,” the woman said with a bit of a frown.

“Well, Cloud and I are only staying here for the night and Zell instructed me to take you with us. So for tonight at least, you’re going to get a nice bed,” the brunette said matter-of-factly.

“I see,” the woman said, still looking displeased.

Leon glanced one last time at the ferry. The boat had limped its way to its destination but it was unclear if it would make it back to Balamb. The Esthar harpoon that was jutting from its side had ripped part of the hull apart and it needed major repairs. Thankfully, the damage was above the waterline which made the job easier. The Carrier didn’t see Quistis anywhere, however, and he wondered if he would see her before he left again. He doubted it, and part of him was sad for that.

Leon only allowed himself a few seconds of cloudy thinking before he forced himself to focus. Once he had Cloud on Binky again, and Zell’s mother on Cheese, he pulled the chocobos along towards the city center. It didn’t take him very long to find the inn Zell had made reservations at. The building was massive and the crowd around its doors was just as huge. It was easily the nicest facility in immediate eyesight, which made Leon scrunch up his brows and wonder just how much money Zell had dropped on the accommodations.

“Wait here,” the brunette said as he handed the reins off to Zell’s mother and headed for the crowd. He weaved between the impatient people and pushed his way towards the entrance. Just about everyone had complimentary blankets and warm tea, and he didn’t doubt that most if not all of the people there were refugees from the capitol seeking better housing for the night. Some of the families had children and elderly amongst them, and he felt a pain in his chest as he passed them. He felt the same guilt Zell’s mother did.

“Hello, glad you could make it in here without any bruises or broken limbs. I’m sorry to say but we have no more vacancies for the evening, can we get you some tea and blankets?” the very tired receptionist said, as if she had a trigger that told her to recite her script as soon as someone came to the front desk.

“Uh…” Leon drawled stupidly as he stared at her for a moment. He pulled the paperwork he was given out of the envelope and unfolded it. He handed it to the woman and looked around at the plush, yet homey looking lobby. There were people as far as he could see camping out in tiny huddles around the varying pieces of furniture and on the floor.

“Oh, thank Eden you’re here,” the woman sighed with a tiny laugh as she looked over the papers. The relief on her haggard face was palpable. She turned around to look at the wall of small hooks behind her. There were dozens of empty pegs all lined up in a grid with numbers and letters assigned to them like a graph. There were only two sets of keys hanging, and she immediately reached for them.

“We’re the last ones?” Leon asked, even though his question was already answered.

“Yes. People have been badgering me for these rooms for what’s felt like centuries. You have no idea how happy you’ve made me by showing up,” she said as she happily handed the keys to the Carrier. She waved a dismissive hand after. “I’m sorry, that’s horribly unprofessional of me, but quite frankly, I’ve been on my feet for the last nine hours and I don’t give a damn. Thank you, and thank you again,” she said.

“You’re welcome?” Leon said, which prompted her to laugh a bit. “I have people with me, and chocobos—“

“Oh, don’t worry about that. You can bring your company in and just hand your birds and baggage off to the valet outside. We’ll make sure it’ll get to you,” she said.

“Alright, thank you,” the Carrier said, checking the tag on the keys. They had two rooms right next to one another on the third floor. When he looked around, he didn’t see an elevator. Letting out a sigh, he mentally prepared himself for a long trudge up a lot of stairs with Cloud on his back.

“Excuse me,” came a deep voice from behind him. The Carrier turned around to come face to face with a very well kempt middle aged man. He had a gold ring on his thumb with what looked like a massive sapphire attached to it. It matched the blue of his suit which was also complimented by bits of gold thread that was woven through the pinstripes. His very stately appearance clashed with the complementary blanket that was draped loosely over his shoulders. Leon raised a brow.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

“I’m going to purchase one of your rooms from you,” the man said as he stuffed a hand in his pocket and pulled out a leather wallet.

“What?” Leon asked. He had heard the man clearly but he couldn’t believe he was being _told_ that one of his rooms was being taken instead of being _asked_.

“My daughter is very sick and she needs proper accommodations. You don’t need two rooms,” the man said as he pulled out a wad of money from the wallet.

“Where is she?” the Carrier asked. The man pointed over to the left of them and the Carrier’s eye followed his direction. The only female child the Carrier could see was one that didn’t seem all that sick. She was being playfully chased by a young boy and seemed happy and able-bodied enough. The two of them looked to be siblings. However, neither of them looked like the man in front of him. In fact, they looked very similar to a couple who was only a few feet away from them. Leon scrunched his brows together and gave the man a suspicious look. “She doesn’t seem very sick,” he said.

“It’s a long term condition and she’s having a good day,” the man said flatly, pushing a handful of money at him. Leon shook his head.

“I don’t think so,” he said, brushing past the man.

“Fine, I’ll double it,” the stranger insisted, stepping in front of him again.

“No. Out of my way,” the brunette said.

“But my daughter—“

“Look, even if she was your daughter –which I doubt – she’s obviously okay enough to spend one night down here. I have someone with me who can hardly walk, so he’s winning the ‘who’s sicker’ competition right now. Don’t ask me again,” the Carrier said, stepping around the man again.

“Five thousand!” the stranger called after him, but Leon ignored him.

However, as he weaved through the people in the lobby again, more people had noticed the pair’s exchange. Suddenly his view consisted almost entirely of money as several more people pushed wads of cash in his face and belted numbers at him. The bids had reached well over ten thousand gil by the time he reached the entrance again, and the raucous noise was enough to make his ears ring. For as upsetting as seeing children and elderly sleep on chairs and on the floor was, he couldn’t help but feel the people in the building were a little better off than the ones in the refugee tents.

“Can you ask that chunky lady over there why the fuck she’s wearing an evening gown and a dead animal in the fucking snow like this is some sort of hot date? Also, while you’re at it, tell her to pull her dress up and cover the wrinkly tit flab that’s falling out of her armpits,” Cloud said to Leon when the Carrier returned. The blonde’s tone was spiteful as he glared at the overweight woman that was several yards away from them.

“Shhh! You don’t know who’s bilingual here and who isn’t, asshole. What if she heard and understood you?” Leon said, glancing over his shoulder. The woman in question was indeed quite rotund, was wearing an evening gown, and was wearing a fur stole over her arms. She wore a matching furry hat and had her hands stuffed in a matching muff.

“She didn’t seem to,” Cloud defended. “She’s gross.”

“Why do you say that? Because she’s overweight?” Leon asked, though his better judgment told him not to. He took the chocobo reins from Zell’s mother and started leading the birds towards the valet.

“Not just because of that. It’s one thing to be fat, but at least wear clothes that fit. She looks like a damn sausage that was dipped in glitter in that dress. Plus, the amount of money she must have spent on that awful animal skin makes me sick to my stomach.”

“Don’t like rich people?”

“I don’t like rich people that make it stupidly obvious that they’re rich. It’s arrogant.”

“I suppose you have a point. I can’t say I don’t agree with you to some degree. Granted, my degree isn’t as vulgar as yours, but it’s the same idea,” the Carrier said.

After showing the valet the room numbers on the keys, the man quickly left them with a short ‘yes sir’ and went to lead Binky and Cheese around to the back of the inn. Leon knelt down a little and motioned for Cloud to get on his back.

“I don’t even get to try and make it inside?” the blonde asked.

“It’s three flights of stairs to the room. There’s no elevator,” Leon said.

“Oh, well fuck that, you can be my elevator,” Cloud agreed and climbed onto the brunette’s back.

“Should I wait here for you to come back so you can carry me up too? Though I must admit I think it’d be more appropriate if you’d whisk me through the door like I’m a blushing bride,” Zell’s mother said. Leon let out a bit of a snort.

“I will if you really don’t think you can make it up a bunch of stairs, but I’d rather not. I’m saving Cloud the embarrassment of collapsing after the first four steps,” the brunette said as he headed towards the door.

“Ah, I see. I think I’ll be fine. Besides, this isn’t really my sort of crowd and I don’t want to hang around them more than I have to,” the woman said, following him.

“Agreed,” Leon said and headed inside.

Once back in the lobby, the Carrier tried not to look at the many pairs of eyes staring at them as they made their way towards the stairs. The guilt picked at him, but he held steady as they started to climb the stairs. The long trudge made him start to mentally prioritize the steps he would need to take with Cloud’s recovery. Getting the blonde’s respiratory system back up to par as well as helping him rebuild some of the lost and damaged muscle mass in his legs took the top of the list, if for no other reason than Leon didn’t want to carry him anymore.

The two rooms were right next to one another with a door between them. They weren’t very big; they had only enough space for the furniture and a decent path around each piece. However, what amenities they did have were of much higher caliber than the dumpy little inn Leon had stayed in the last time he stayed in Trabia. There was only one bed in each room, but they were both enormous with extremely soft and elaborately designed linens. Taking it all in, Leon felt a bit of a pain in his chest he tried to ignore.

“I’m sorry I’m here instead of my son,” Zell’s mother said gently as she stood in the doorway between the rooms.

“It’s fine. Your safety is more important,” Leon said as he sat on the edge of the bed and let go of Cloud. The blonde looked to be much more fascinated with the room than the other member of his travel party and he stared at the furnishings and colorful decorations with somewhat wide eyes.

“Well… maybe, but I still wish it had turned out differently for you both,” the woman said.

“Things happen. Plans change. Its fine,” Leon said with a bit of a shrug. He decided to change the subject. “How should we do the sleeping situation?” he asked, giving the woman the first choice.

“If you don’t mind, I’d prefer some time to myself,” she said.

“I understand.”

“Is he going to be alright with that?” she asked, motioning to Cloud.

“Why do you ask?”

“Well, you should’ve seen the face he made when you and Zell parted ways. I know how Midgar works; I’m sure sharing the same room with another man won’t sit well.”

“He can deal with it.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. I’m too tired to deal with his bullshit.”

“I can agree with that.”

“Hopefully he’s too tired to put up much of a fight.”

“I hope so too. But, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take a very hot shower and then proceed to collapse into bed,” the woman said. Leon nodded and she took her leave, closing the door behind her and locking it. The Carrier looked to Cloud, whose posture had become tense. The blonde’s attention to the room hadn’t ceased, either. The brunette raised a brow at him.

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked.

“I don’t like this room,” Cloud said simply.

“Why?”

“It makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel like I should be here. It’s too much.”

“I’m not sure I follow your reasoning.”

Cloud sighed and looked down at his hands. “Nibelheim didn’t have places like this. The most luxurious anywhere got was a place with a bathtub _and_ a shower with cotton bedding instead of wool or tweed. I’ve never been anywhere like this. I feel weird being here.”

“If it makes you feel better, I haven’t either.”

“Okay, but even your dorm in Balamb was better than my room on the military base.”

“You have a point. Did you want me to call someone to change the bedding?”

“No, it’s fine. I just need to get over it,” Cloud said, shaking his head. He felt foolish, but he couldn’t help himself. He suddenly scrunched up his face and rolled his shoulders a bit.

“Everything okay?” Leon asked, laughing a bit at the blonde’s expression.

“These scabs are driving me insane. They itch and get caught on my shirt and then they pinch; it never stops,” the Charge said. He started shrugging off the top layers of his clothing.

“As soon as the bags get here, I have something that might help.”

“Oh. Well, okay, but I’m going to soak myself in the shower and hope that loosens everything up until your thing gets here,” Cloud said, pulling off the last layer of top clothing. Leon could feel a frown pulling at the corners of his mouth as he saw the blonde’s ribs. Even while slouched forward, his Charge’s ribcage showed when he breathed in. Cloud didn’t pay him much attention though, and carefully pushed himself up enough to stand so he could meander into the bathroom. When the door closed behind him, and Leon was alone, the brunette let out a long breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

He felt burnt out. Too much had happened in the last two days for him to process it all clearly. There were so many things to feel and thoughts to think that his psyche decided to take a step back against his will and render nothing. He felt empty and couldn’t think of anything from the day before without it being blurry and incoherent. All he could process was the heaviness and how tired he felt. He was so tired, in fact, that once the bags were brought into the room, he simply let himself flop onto the bed fully clothed and on top of the covers. He was asleep a few minutes later.

Inside the bathroom, Cloud had discovered not only a shower, but a deep bathtub. Never in his life could he have imagined feeling weak in the knees for a plumbing fixture, but he did. If he could’ve married the tub and taken it with him, he would have. Like an oasis in the middle of the desert, it provided him with much needed relief. The chill he felt in his skeleton eased, and soaking in the water helped soften the healing damage on his back so he could move freely without his skin pulling and threatening to split. He ran the water as hot as he could stand and stayed in it until it was cold.

When he finally emerged from the bathroom again, he noticed their bags had arrived and immediately went to ask Leon about whatever it was he had for his back, but he stopped himself. The Carrier seemed to have died in the time Cloud was out of the room. The brunette had haphazardly fallen face-first in a pillow on one side of the huge bed and wasn’t moving. Cautiously, the blonde made his way to Leon’s side and nudged his shoulder. When he got no response, he did it again. And again. Four times. Still nothing.

Now Cloud was concerned. His translator had died somehow and he was more than likely going to be blamed for it. Leon’s death meant nothing to him on a personal level but the blonde was somewhat angry that the Carrier’s usefulness dried up before he decided it could be. Just to make absolutely sure, though, the Charge wiggled his hands under the brunette’s torso and tried to flip him over. He didn’t get very far, though. The amount of effort it took just to lift the Carrier half an inch was much more than he expected.

 _Either he’s really fat or I’m more fucked up than I think I am,_ the blonde thought to himself. Cloud ended up kneeling next to the bed and used the lower angle to push Leon up from underneath. After much struggling, he managed to get the Carrier on his back. Winded, the Charge clumsily pulled himself onto the bed. Leaning over the brunette’s face, the blonde gave him a quick swat across his cheek. Leon’s brows furrowed together and his eyes slowly peeled open.

All Leon could see was Cloud’s angry bright blue eyes above him. The image made his heart leap up into his throat and get caught. Sucking in a sharp breath out of involuntary fear, the Carrier quickly scrambled backwards, pushing himself up into a sitting position in the process. After a moment, he realized his Charge was only looking at him and not attempting something nightmare-worthy. He let out the pent up breath in his lungs before heaving a deep sigh.

“What the fuck is wrong with you; staring at people while they sleep?” Leon asked, putting a hand to his chest as his heart threatened to escape. “Scared the hell out of me,” he muttered.

“You sleep like you’re dead. I was just checking,” Cloud said, his voice sounding annoyed.

“Was I not breathing? Wasn’t that enough evidence that I wasn’t dead? Did you really have to hover over me like a creep?”

“If you were breathing, it wasn’t enough for me to notice. Whatever. You’re not dead. I know this now. Calm down. You look like I was holding a knife to your throat,” the blonde said. He withdrew, scooting backwards off the bed.

“Only because waking up to that face was a little bit of a shock. I wasn’t exactly prepared.”

“Get over it,” Cloud said with a huff. It was then that Leon registered that his Charge was only in a towel.

“Couldn’t be bothered for clothing?” he asked.

“The ones I was wearing are damp and smell like seawater. Also, you said you had something for my back.”

Leon took a couple of deep breaths to settle his shaken nerves. “Yes. I do,” he said as he moved off the bed. Stepping to their bags, it didn’t take long to find the bottle he had brought with them. The contents were what the Carrier could equate to aloe vera gel. He couldn’t pronounce the name of the product to save his life, but by reading the instructions and ingredients, he could tell what its equivalent was. It was a plant-based extract that was used for its medicinal and moisturizing properties. Perhaps the most important detail to him, however, was that it was an all natural product that didn’t have any fragrances or weird smelling additives. His hands wouldn’t itch for days after fooling with it.

“Oh,” Cloud blurted, his tone sharp. Leon turned to see his Charge glaring a bit at the bottle.

“Does this offend you somehow? I haven’t even opened it yet,” Leon said.

“I thought you were going to give me a pill or something. I don’t want you smearing anything on me.”

“Is that because it’s me or because you’re afraid this stuff will harm you?”

“Because it’s you.”

“Well if you want, I can bring Ms. Dincht in here and have her do it for me. She made it pretty clear she wanted to be left alone, though. Unless, of course, you think you can twist your arms around enough to do it yourself. I suppose you could squirt it on the floor in the bathroom and roll in it like a dog.”

“I don’t think so. I can find someone appealing to do it for me. A female someone who isn’t a faggot,” the blonde said, rifling through their bags in order to find some cleaner pants to wear. Leon raised a brow.

“You can? With what language skills?” the Carrier asked curiously. The blonde’s spiteful words made him scowl. Cloud’s digging stopped for a moment as he glanced out the corner of his eye at the brunette. He huffed a sigh before giving up and standing upright again. He brushed past Leon and sat heavily on the bed and crossed his arms over his chest.

“I hate you,” he muttered, his face taught with obvious disgust.

“I gave you a choice on whether or not to follow me. You don’t have to. You could’ve killed me, or simply walked away. Your actions betray your words. Also, I suggest you make up your mind about how you feel because when we reach the village there is no going back,” Leon said flatly. He followed Cloud to the bed and sat behind him.

“I’m still unsure,” the Charge said. He could hear the bottle cap crack open behind him. Glaring at the bedspread, he waited to feel the Carrier’s hands on him. In the silence, he could hear the light movement of the fabric of Leon’s sleeve against his arm and the squishy sound of the gel being spread over his skin. However, he didn’t feel much. He could feel the cold from the gel and the general pain he always felt, but not much else. He glanced over his shoulder.

“What? My hands are up here,” Leon said, holding his palms up innocently to show he hadn’t been attempting to molest anyone. Cloud furrowed his brows together but didn’t say anything and went back to glaring at the comforter.

“Are you done yet?” he asked impatiently.

“No. I’ve hardly finished with your shoulders. I can stop if you’re really going to be like that,” Leon said. Cloud was quiet as he stewed in his confusion. After another moment he looked over his shoulder again.

“Are you using your fingertips or something?” he asked. It was the brunette’s turn to look confused.

“No?” the Carrier said. He held up his hand for his Charge to see. His fingers and part of his palm was coated in a thin layer of gel. “Why does it matter?”

“It feels weird,” Cloud said.

“Weird? Like burning?”

“No. It’s like I feel it… but I don’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can feel the cold and the pain. But not your hand, if that makes any sense. It feels weird.”

“Odd,” Leon said, pushing his brows together. He pressed his fingertips into an untouched part of skin in the middle of Cloud’s back between his wounds. “Do you feel that?” he asked.

“Not really,” the blonde responded. Leon pushed harder and an abrupt pinch shot down the Charge’s spine and he sat up straighter and pulled away from him. “Ah! Stop! Don’t do that,” he spat, glaring at the Carrier over his shoulder.

“I assume that hurt.”

“Yes!”

“Interesting. I wonder if you have nerve damage. It’ll be hard to tell before everything heals completely though.”

“I wish I had nerve damage. I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain if I did.”

“Well you probably have some. If you can feel pain there’s a fair chance you’ll be able to feel more when it’s better. But if you can’t feel me touching you normally then there’s definitely something wrong.”

“Wonderful,” Cloud sighed.

“I can’t say I have much sympathy. I have the same issue with the cut on my face,” Leon said, his words terse. Since Cloud was probably done whining about being touched, he decided to take the easy route to get the gel on the other’s back. He deposited a huge glob of the substance on his palm and used his hand like a palette knife to smear it around on the blonde’s skin. Before, he had been attempting to be gentle in order to keep things civil, but he didn’t have to worry about that anymore.

“I guess I don’t have to feel bad about putting it there, then,” Cloud shot back.

“You can eat shit,” Leon growled under his breath. He capped the bottle and tossed it in the general direction of their baggage. Before the blonde could scoot away from him, though, he quickly backhanded Cloud’s wounds out of spite. The Charge let out a pained yell laced with profanities in response. He turned quickly in place, his face livid.

“What the fuck is your problem?! Can’t you take a joke?!” the blonde roared.

“Sure I can. When it isn’t cruel,” the Carrier said as he scooted off the bed. He stepped into the bathroom to wipe the excess gel off his hands.

“It wasn’t cruel. You’re just a pussy,” Cloud groaned as he slowly fell to his side, sprawling out on the bed so he could let the pain pass.

 _Technically he isn’t incorrect. Technically,_ Leon thought to himself. “Whatever you say,” he said aloud.

“I like that you don’t deny this fact. A good pussy knows its place. You’re well trained.”

“What place would that be?” Leon asked as he emerged from the bathroom again when he was finished.

“Under my boot.”

Leon let out a short laugh. “Not quite. You’ll understand me eventually.” There was a brief silence as Cloud attempted to figure out why the brunette wasn’t getting angry at him and what he could mean by ‘understanding eventually.’ He grew frustrated quickly.

“You’re not going to randomly drop trou in front of me and show me your actual pussy are you? Because I might actually vomit on you.”

“I wasn’t aware you found vaginas so disgusting. Are there things you need to share with me? Get off your chest?” Leon asked, shrugging his jacket off. He dropped it on their bags before sitting on the edge of the bed again to unlace his boots.

“You know what I meant,” Cloud grumbled.

“Of course I do. But my point still stands.”

“Fuck you.”

“See, this is what I meant about sharing things with me. I had no idea you had a desire to fuck me. You can’t blindside people like that, Cloud. It’s rude,” Leon said, pulling off his socks. Cloud pushed himself up until he was upright again and turned on the Carrier again, his expression boiling.

“Stop it,” the blonde said, his voice low and threatening. Leon raised a brow at him.

“Such sensitivity. Can’t you take a joke?” the Carrier asked, giving the other a meaningful look. They held tense eye contact for several seconds, daring each other to try something, before Leon turned away and started to pull down the bed linens. He was done for the day. His patience was drying up, and he really didn’t want to get physical and beat his Charge into a pulp.

“What’re you doing?” Cloud asked angrily.

“Going back to sleep. I suggest you try to do the same.”

“There’s only one bed. Why should you have it?”

“This thing is massive. You can sleep on the other side.”

“You’re more stupid than you look if you think I’m going to share the same bed with you.”

“Your own bigotry will be the only thing that reminds you I’m over here. But if you’re magically less of an asshole than what I think you are, you won’t notice me. I promise you we’ll be that far apart.”

“It doesn’t matter how far apart we are; I don’t trust you.”

“Then it wouldn’t matter even if we had two beds. You still wouldn’t trust me.”

“You’re missing the point. I don’t trust you to keep your hands off me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Cloud,” Leon sighed and rolled his eyes. He scooted under the blankets. Stretching out on his stomach, the Carrier hugged a pillow to his face. His legs bumped into Cloud and he easily pushed the blonde away from him and down the bed with his feet.

“Stop!” the Charge spat and quickly scrambled away from the kicking. He ended up moving off the bed entirely and standing again, adjusting the towel around his waist so it was secure again. Leon pulled the blanket up and settled in. He could feel the annoyed stare the blonde gave him. “You’re seriously going to do this to me?” Cloud asked indignantly.

“I have no idea what you think I’m doing other than sleeping, but yes. I intend to do just that,” Leon said, closing his eyes. “Goodnight.”

“But what am I—“

“Shut up,” the brunette said, his eyes popping open again. He fixed a smoldering glare on the blonde’s face. “I’ve been up for two days. And in those two days, I’ve given up most of what I cared about, thought I was going to lose the rest of what I cared about, and thought I was going to die on several occasions. I’ve carted your broken ass around half the planet with nothing but bickering and ignorance as my thanks. All I want is some fucking sleep, and unless you want your spine removed, I suggest you let me do that. My patience is gone, Cloud. I’m giving you the courtesy of letting you know before I lose control of myself. Leave me alone.”

 His Charge was quiet after that as they shared another few moments of tense eye contact. This time, though, Cloud was the one to break it as he turned away. For a brief second, Leon saw something flicker across the blonde’s face as he looked away before it was gone behind a veil of stone-faced neutrality again. Fear? Guilt? The Carrier couldn’t say for sure, but he didn’t have the energy to dwell on it. He closed his eyes again as the haziness of sleep started to pull at him.

\----------------------

The fuzziness of Leon’s deep sleep was poked and prodded by a sound several hours after he had fallen under. It was a familiar sound, and his consciousness tried very hard to wake him up so he could pay attention. After a while, the noise stopped. However, it was only quiet for a couple minutes before it started up again. This time, he was more awake than he had been before, and he was able to recognize it. It was his computer. Someone was calling him.

Groggily pulling himself up, the brunette limply flung the blankets away from himself before trying to stand. On wobbly, unresponsive legs he managed to hobble to his bags and flop down next to them. Blearily shuffling through them, he pulled the laptop out. Still half asleep, he answered. Reno’s voice came thundering through the speakers, smacking his eardrums to attention.

“Where the fuck are you?!” the redhead screamed. Leon squeezed his eyes shut again and let out a loud groan in response.

“Somewh’r,” he mumbled sleepily.

“Wake up! This is serious!”

“Mmm’no,” Leon protested.

“I’m not joking, jackass! Where are you?!”

“Calm down.”

“I can’t!”

“Was’th problem?”

“You needed to be at the village months ago, stupid! That’s the problem! Where are you?!” Reno bellowed, his patience waning quickly.

“Trabia. Hotel,” Leon muttered. His friend let out an audible sigh.

“Good, good,” Reno said. He let out a short quivering laugh. “My hands are shaking. I was so scared; you have no idea, man.”

“Told you to calm down,” the brunette said, rubbing his eyes.

“Yeah, well, I couldn’t decide if you were actually listening or not. Why are you in a hotel?”

“Needed sleep?”

“Where’s Zell? Is he with you?”

“No. He’s dead, probably,” Leon said bluntly. He still wasn’t awake enough to process what he had said and the severity of what he had concluded. Reno was quiet for several minutes.

“Wow. Not sure how to respond to that.”

“It’s probably true. I said goodbye and got on a boat and then Balamb more or less exploded. Now I’m here. He isn’t. Cloud is instead.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“Oh it’s _great_ ,” Leon said spitefully. He could hear Reno laugh lightly.

“Glad to hear it. You really need to get here, though. We have problems, possibly.”

“Possibly?”

“During the last evening ceremony, the Elder said that it had been having visions. Eden was apparently trying to communicate with it and she says that there are soldiers on their way here.”

“What?” Leon asked, his attention piqued. Furrowing his brows, he wasn’t sure how much stock he should put in mystical visions that supposedly came from an entity he doubted the existence of. After some thought, though, he decided to take it more seriously. He had seen too many things in that world he couldn’t explain, so maybe it was possible that the Elder could speak with beings beyond their plane of existence.

“I don’t really know how much I believe in what he’s saying, but the villagers are really worried. Just to be safe, you should leave and get here as soon as possible. Like, leave right now,” Reno said. Leon considered it for a moment. His sleepiness was still weighing heavily on his shoulders but at the very least, he knew that he’d definitely get some rest once they reached the village and settled in. It’d take them only a couple hours to get there from Trabia, and then he could dump Cloud off somewhere and crawl in a bed and stay there for a week. It was very promising, and much safer than staying in a city that may as well have a giant target painted on it now that the Balamb civilian populace was stationed there.

“Okay. We’ll leave in a bit. Just need to get everything together again,” he agreed.

“Good. I’m glad you agree with me for once.”

“First time for everything, I guess.”

“Totally,” Reno laughed. “See you later today.”

“Right,” Leon said and ended their call. He closed his computer and unplugged it from his Link. After rubbing his eyes for a moment, he let out a heavy sigh. Pushing himself up, he stretched his arms up to the ceiling and arched his back with a yawn. He felt like he had a thin membrane covering his sleep-laden eyes as he turned to find where his Charge had parked himself for the night.

To his surprise, Cloud hadn’t taken the bed. The brunette seriously thought that the blonde would give in and settle for sleeping on the very opposite edge of the mattress from him, but he hadn’t. There was an armchair near the large window in the back of the room, and Cloud had squashed himself up on the cushion. Furrowing his brows, he went to the blonde and peered at his face. There wasn’t a lot of light streaming in from outside, but with what little there was coupled with his superior night vision, Leon could see that Cloud’s eyes were wet and puffy, and his nose was red. More importantly, though, his Charge was very awake.

“We’re going?” Cloud asked without a hint of grogginess in his voice. In his mind, Leon couldn’t possibly see him in the dark well enough to see the evidence of weakness on his face. Ever since he could remember the Carrier being part of his life, Cloud hadn’t slept very much during the night. More often than not, when he closed his eyes, all he could see were gruesome scenes of gore and death he believed he had caused. Some of it was Aerith, which he knew was his fault, but sometimes he caught foggy glimpses of other instances that he wasn’t so sure about; smashing people’s skulls against the floor, nearly beheading innocent women, and beating people until they cried for him to stop.

Whether they were real things or not he couldn’t say, but they haunted him all the same; sometimes when he was awake, too. He could see the instances play out in front of him in the darkness, but he found that it usually only happened when he was overly tired. If he slept during the day, he could stay up all night and not have many problems. However, tonight was not one of those relatively peaceful nights. He had been up for hours, hearing things and seeing glimpses of the people he had supposedly hurt and slaughtered. They’d hover on the edges of his periphery and stare at him with their bloodied and gaping wounds, sometimes blankly opening their mouths and letting out the screams he may have heard as they died. It tormented him so much he had been brought to tears as he quietly begged them to stop and leave him alone. He had lost count of how many times he had apologized to them. Now, with Leon staring at him, he only felt more pathetic.

“Have you been here all night?” the Carrier asked.

“Yes.”

“Had I known you’d really be that bothered by me sleeping near you I’d have moved elsewhere. I honestly thought you’d give in and use the bed. You should’ve said something.”

“Whatever. Doesn’t matter.”

“Did you sleep at all?”

“No.”

“You should’ve said something,” Leon sighed. The blonde wiped his face a bit before he uncurled himself from the chair and slowly stood. His legs weren’t cooperating with him as well as he would’ve liked and he had to try a few times before he was finally on his feet.

“I said it doesn’t matter,” he said flatly. “Let’s go.”

“You’re sure? We can wait a couple hours if you want to sleep. I’ll stay over here.”

“No. I heard what whatever-his-name-is said. I’d rather not meet up with Midgar like this if I can avoid it,” Cloud persisted, heading towards their bags. He had gotten dressed before taking his place on the armchair and would only need a few more layers and his shoes before he’d be ready to brave the elements again. Leon watched him with concern laced in his brow, but he didn’t have time to question or worry too much right then. It was better to get moving as quickly as they could.

They would have time to figure out the other problems later.


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60

_Ms Dincht,_

_Thank you for your compassion and kindness during the short time we had together. It was a breath of fresh air for me, truly. Unfortunately, something came up and we had to leave quickly. I wish you the best of luck. Say hello to Zell for me the next time you see him; whenever that may be._

_Stay safe._

_-Leon_

Those were the only words the Carrier could think of for his parting note. There was a certain level of guilt he felt as he pushed the envelope under the door between their rooms. In the envelope, he had put Cheese’s valet ticket and their spare room key in with the note and the remainder of the money they had. Where he and Cloud were going, they wouldn’t need such things. Leon didn’t feel right taking Cheese with them and leaving the woman stranded despite what Zell had told him. He’d walk it to the Shumi village if Cloud wasn’t willing to share a seat with him in a way that wouldn’t leave him feeling panicked.

“I’m hungry,” Cloud said, his words partially muffled against Leon’s shoulder. The Carrier was heading around the back of the hotel with his Charge on his back in order to retrieve Binky. By the time they got there, their few bags were already strapped to the bird and they were ready to go.

“Me too. There’ll be food in a couple hours. It’ll be quicker if the weather is clear. I’m going on the assumption it’ll be a blizzard,” the Carrier explained. It was already snowing steadily outside as they walked, and he could only imagine what it’d be like a short while from then. He could feel Cloud shivering against him despite the blonde’s best effort to resist.

“Great,” Cloud muttered. Leon knelt down and leaned over in an attempt to dump his Charge off onto Binky’s back. The bird was parked on the ground with his legs neatly folded underneath him. Cloud slowly pulled himself into the saddle. His limbs were mostly unresponsive due to the cold. The weather and his exhaustion sapped what little strength he had and made him feel like a bag of jelly. He made for a very pathetic display as he finally settled on the seat. Hugging himself, he quietly stared ahead and shivered.

“Are you going to be alright?” the brunette asked, furrowing his brows together worriedly.

Cloud shrugged. “I don’t plan on dying if that counts as ‘alright.’” He shivered again. Despite his distaste for his Carrier, the blonde could admit that Leon was a decent space heater. Being carried around by him was humiliating but at the very least he was mostly warm during. He was quiet for several minutes as he tried to decide which was worse. Humiliation? Or freezing to death? It was a hard decision.

“Did you need anything else, gentlemen?” the valet asked as he stood by and waited for instruction. Leon had forgotten he was there. The brunette shook his head.

“No, thank you. We’ve got it from here,” he said. The man nodded and took his leave quietly. Leon shuffled around in their bags and pulled out a couple of blankets and started draping them over his Charge carefully. Cloud pulled them tightly around himself, keeping part of the fabric over his head like a hood. The cover squashed his wild hair down and made the smaller pieces stick out from under it strangely. Leon would’ve laughed had the scene not looked so pitiful.

“Hurry up. The quicker we leave, the q-quicker we can go inside somewhere, right?” the blonde shivered.

“Right,” Leon said, racking his brain for solutions to the situation. In the end, though, he couldn’t come up with anything that Cloud would find acceptable. The only warm thing around was himself, which wasn’t a solution because the blonde refused to sleep in his general vicinity let alone get right up against him.

And so it went. They left the city together at a somewhat slow pace since Leon was walking. On the way out they had to cross through the temporary encampments that had been put in place for refugees. Just about everyone the brunette saw looked very similar to Cloud. They all looked cold and miserable, which just piled the guilt on him as he remembered spending the night in a warm bed. He kept his eyes low and hurried through the camp as quickly as he could without rousing suspicion. By the time they were past Trabia’s city limit, the sun was coming up.

“You know, now that we’re away from people, would you consider not pitching a fit if I climbed up there with you? It’d make this much easier on both of us,” Leon said, casting a sidelong look up at his Charge. Cloud glanced back at him with a crease in his brow. He felt a little relief. Had they continued on for another twenty minutes, he probably would’ve broken down and asked the Carrier to be his space heater in some fashion. Outwardly, though, he seemed displeased and gave the brunette a scowl.

“Whatever,” he said. Leon raised a brow.

“Really? I’m surprised you aren’t giving more resistance.”

“I’m so c-cold that I’m in a ridiculous amount of pain. I don’t care. I just want to be indoors and away f-from this bullshit,” Cloud shivered.

“When I asked if you were going to be alright, I was serious about my concern for you, you know. You’re allowed to tell me if you feel like you’re dying,” Leon said, stopping Binky and clicking his tongue so the bird lowered himself. “Turn around.”

“What? Why? Just sit in front of me.”

“No. Not going to work,” the brunette clipped. “Turn around.”

“Not going to work? How is it any different than you carrying me on your back?”

“It’s different to me. Just do as I say.”

“No. That’s too weird.”

“If you’re behind me, you’re going to lean on me and I’m going to be stuck sitting at an angle for however long it takes for us to get to the village. My back will be ruined for weeks. Just humor me, okay?” Leon persisted, his tone turning annoyed. Cloud sat grumpily in his place for a moment before sighing and attempting to move as the brunette told him to. The effort was there but there wasn’t much of a result.

“Can’t really get my legs to go,” the blonde muttered. Leon’s eyes widened a bit.

“Your… can you feel them?” he asked, his concern evident.

“S-sort of,” Cloud said.

Leon let out a long grumbling sigh and ran a hand over his face. “For fuck’s sake, Cloud, why didn’t you say anything?” he asked crankily. Without asking for permission, he reached across the blonde’s lap and grabbed his pant leg and started to lift the limb for him. He was able to turn his Charge around quickly, with much protesting from the blonde’s end. When they were still, Cloud could barely tell his legs existed. But when they moved, his nerves lit up like he was rolling on a bed of hot needles. Everything tingled in the worst possible way. Leon didn’t care, though, and he shoved his Charge around as he pleased. Eventually, the brunette was able to wedge himself into the seat with Cloud so they were sitting face-to-face with the blonde more or less in his lap.

“I don’t like this,” Cloud said, leaning as far back from the Carrier as much as he could. Leon ignored him and pulled the other’s legs up so they wrapped around his waist as much as possible. “Whoa! Stop! Stop! That fucking hurts!” the blonde protested, trying to shove the Carrier’s hands off of him. Leon caught his wrists and held them up so he would stop struggling. He could feel the blonde quivering all over as the shivering shook him to his core. His lips were starting to turn blue around the edges.

“Stop freaking out for twenty seconds, okay? You _have_ to believe me when I say I’m not trying to do anything strange here. There are more details here than you think there are, Cloud. If you can’t regulate your own body temperature, there’s a very real possibility that you can die before we get to the village,” Leon said. Cloud made a disgusted face of disbelief.

“Fuck you; that’s a dirty way of manipulating people,” he said angrily. “Threatening people so they’ll cuddle up to you like you like. That’s sick.”

“I’m serious!” Leon spat. He let out an exasperated sigh. “Just… give me a second to explain. And don’t spaz out, okay? I’m not trying to get weird,” he added. Taking one of Cloud’s hands, he pulled off the blonde’s glove. Then, he lifted up a couple layers of his own clothing so the last t-shirt layer was exposed. He then pushed the blonde’s palm to his chest and held it in place. Of course, Cloud tried to pull away from him but Leon kept him in place.

“Let go!”

“Stop! Do you feel my heartbeat?” Leon asked. Cloud didn’t listen and continued struggling. “I’m not fucking letting go until you humor me, asshole. Just stop and listen to me. This is part of that ‘you’ll learn I’ll always be stronger than you’ lesson I told you about a couple days ago,” the brunette said. After a few more tugs, the blonde stopped and gave the other a nasty look. Leon‘s expression softened to a more neutral one. “Okay, you feel my heartbeat right?”

“Yeah. So?” Cloud seethed.

“It’s strong, right? You can probably count how many times it beats just from this much, right?”

“Yeah.”

Leon let go of Cloud’s hand. “Do the same to yourself. Put your hand directly on your chest and tell me what you feel. Get right on your skin; no clothes in between,” he said. Cloud furrowed his brows together, looking at the Carrier strangely. He did as he was told, though, and Leon gave him a moment to feel the difference. “Well?” he asked.

“It’s… weird,” the blonde said. He took his hand out from under his shirt and attempted to put his glove back on. His fingers shook as he tried to get his motor skills to respond without much success. Leon ended up putting it back on for him, which made him frown even more. “So what’s your point? We’re different,” the Charge asked impatiently.

“Your heart should be like mine. It should be strong and you should be able to count the beats with regularity. But it’s not, is it?” Leon asked.

“Not really, no.”

“Your heart is very sick, Cloud. It doesn’t have a steady beat and it’s weak. It’s having a hard time doing what it’s supposed to: which is moving your blood through your body and keeping you warm. It functions best when it’s at a normal warm temperature because it doesn’t have to try as hard, so when you’re really cold, it has to work a lot more to keep everything going. Your heart is in no condition to be pushed harder than it needs to be. So just… put your pride aside for now so I can make sure you’re warm and you’ll make it to where we need to go,” the Carrier explained.

Cloud sat quietly and carefully considered what Leon said. He understood what the brunette told him, but he wasn’t sure if it was the truth. After all, it was clear to him that Leon wasn’t the same as him. As soon as he saw the Carrier change his hair color via a machine of some sort, he knew there was something seriously amiss. For all he knew, Leon could have an abnormally strong heart and the Carrier could be tricking him; which, unbeknownst to Cloud, he was correct. Leon, as a Carrier, did have a stronger heart than him overall. But, despite that suspicion, part of him did believe Leon. He could remember feeling Aerith’s heartbeat before, and it was strong and steady like Leon said it should be. Cloud had never paid much attention to his own, nor had he ever taken a class on human biology, but he could compare and contrast well enough. As a result, he gave in and decided to believe the brunette for the time being. He folded his arms over his chest and stiffly leaned forward until his forehead rested against Leon’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry this is weird for you,” the Carrier said quietly as he fixed the blanket around Cloud.

“Me too,” the blonde muttered. Leon took the second blanket and wrapped it around them both, creating a capsule of fabric for his Charge to hide in.

“We’re still close enough to Trabia for me to take you back. Once we’re at the village we’re past the point of no return. You’re sure you’re okay with coming with me?” the brunette asked. He loosely wrapped his arms around his Charge’s waist and pulled Binky’s reigns under the blanket with them. Nudging the bird with his heels, Binky stood and started off in a gentle trot.

“I guess,” Cloud said. Admittedly, over the last couple days he hadn’t given much serious thought to how he felt about the whole ordeal he was involved in. There had been too much going on; he couldn’t process it all. As he considered it now, he found he believed more of what Leon told him. He wasn’t so sure about everything the Carrier offered to do for him, but at the very least he did believe that the brunette needed him, and wanted to keep him safe because of that. What Leon was giving him was more than anyone in the last few years had offered, and that was probably worth something even if some of it didn’t come to fruition.

“Okay,” the Carrier said. He rested his chin on the blonde’s shoulder and heaved a shaky sigh. He hadn’t realized it, but he had felt scared that there was a possibility that Cloud would tell him to turn around and go back. “Thank you,” he added, the relief in his voice obvious.

Cloud didn’t respond.

\-----------------

Shortly after they changed positions around, Cloud’s shivering slowed considerably. He eventually became comfortable enough to fall asleep. Leon was okay with that. Part of him had hoped his Charge would stay awake so they could talk more, but he was relieved that the blonde was finally able to get some rest. He could feel the tiredness pulling at him, too, but he ignored it and pressed forward. He was heading towards the mountains. The village’s dome was out in front of the mountain foot and would be seen from just about anywhere so long as the weather was clear and they were close enough.

Thankfully, it was just cold and a little windy. It made navigating much easier, and since he didn’t have to walk, they made good time. Leon’s heart sped up when he finally saw the village’s dome in the near distance. He made Binky hurry, but not enough to toss them around and wake up Cloud. He decided to do that part himself when they were almost there.

“Hey,” Leon said, gently nudging his Charge. Cloud let out a grunt but didn’t make much of an effort to move. “We’re just about here. I need to get off Binky if we’re going to open the doors,” the brunette explained. He clicked his tongue, and the bird gently lowered himself to the ground.

“Hmm?” the blonde hummed.

“Time to wake up. If you don’t, you might do a face plant in the snow. I need to get up,” the Carrier said. He took Cloud’s shoulders and pushed him back until he was sitting upright. The blonde’s head flopped forward a bit, which made him wake up suddenly. He blinked at Leon through bleary eyes.

“Hmm?” he hummed again. Leon clapped his hands onto the other’s cheeks and gently mashed his face around.

“Time to get up,” he said. Cloud didn’t appreciate his assault, was alert in short order, and batted at the Carrier’s hands. Leon laughed a little and started to scoot off Binky.

“Hang on, hang on,” the blonde muttered and pulled his legs back into place from around Leon’s waist. It took a moment of fumbling, but they were eventually untangled again and Leon was able to stand. The Carrier pulled Binky up and led him towards the large doors with Cloud sitting solo in the saddle again.

“It’s really surreal being back here again,” Leon said, taking in the grand lobby that covered the elevator leading down into the Shumi Village. He left Binky for a moment and stepped to the circle of seats that surrounded the lift. The console that controlled it was right where he remembered it was and he gently poked it. It sprang to life, and he quickly went to retrieve Binky and Cloud. After he tugged them onto the lift with him, he made Binky sit on the floor and hit the button that told the lift to go down. Cloud visibly startled when the elevator suddenly shook a bit and started to descend.

“So now what?” he asked, watching the walls whiz past them with wide eyes.

“Well, first we need to meet up with the Elder and find housing for us. After we get settled, I need to find out how long until the portal between our worlds opens again. Then food. Then sleep. Then, I guess the next step would be to get you some exercise to try and see if we can get you mobile again. Between the Mako breaking down your muscle tissue and all the bed rest you’ve had recently, I’m sure some walking will do you some good.”

“Okay,” Cloud said. He was still staring up at the walls.

“Are you alright?” Leon asked. Cloud heaved a sigh and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Yeah… I just… I’m really tired and I’m having a hard time processing everything so far. I understood food, sleep, and exercise. I’m okay with all of that. Everything else? Fuck if I know.”

“Understandable. It’s not going to get much easier, just so you know.”

“Great.”

“At least we can get a meal and a nap. Well, you can anyway. I’m sure Reno will be in my face asking every question under the sun. I probably won’t sleep for a while yet.”

“Kick him in the balls. That usually gets the message across pretty well.”

“I don’t hate him that much. Just when I’m tired and he’s being… himself. It’s taxing.”

“I wouldn’t know. All I’ve ever seen him do is glare at me.”

“Really? That’s rude of him,” Leon said with a bit of a shrug. Cloud had made a valid point, and the Carrier dreaded trying to get him and Reno to coexist under the same roof for however long they had before they could leave.

“Doesn’t bother me,” Cloud said with a shrug. He yawned.

“It doesn’t?”

“No. I’m used to it. I barely know him, and if he wants to be like that then that’s his problem.”

“Ah, I see. Well, depending on how the housing arrangement is set up, he may be your neighbor for a while so it’d benefit you to at least be civil. I’ll tell him the same thing.”

Cloud shrugged again. “Whatever.” Several minutes of silence passed as the elevator continued. At the ten minute mark, the blonde grew suspicious. “Are we plummeting into the Lifestream or something? This is a long ride.”

“It is. But no, we’re just very deep underground. We’re so far, in fact, that this village is probably the safest place on the planet,” Leon said. He turned on his seat and lay back against the cushion, letting his eyes close.

“You’re sure about that? We sort of just… walked in and started the elevator without much effort.”

“They knew we were coming. Normally the elevator stays at the bottom and the doors up top are locked.”

“Even still; the roof thing is made of glass or something, right? Breakable.”

“True, but this place is pretty far off the radar. To my knowledge, no one really bothers them here. They don’t do anything to warrant attention.”

“I see,” Cloud drifted, scooting off of Binky onto the floor next to him. He leaned against the bird and rested his head on one of their bags.

All was quiet for a short while as the elevator descended. Leon was able to relax, and the journey had taken long enough that it allowed him to take a brief cat nap. His exhaustion was catching up to him with fervor, and he could feel it. Despite his best efforts to stay somewhat awake, he ended up drifting off. In time the elevator stopped and he was vaguely aware of the doors outside the platform opening and closing again as people came in. Shortly thereafter, he felt a hand comb through his hair. Suddenly awake, but not opening his eyes, he quickly grabbed the wrist attached to the hand and held it still.

“Reno,” he said with annoyance dripping from his words. However, he heard his friend respond from a distance away.

“Well! I didn’t think my wrists were that delicate. Do they look delicate?” the redhead asked. There was a moment of silence.

“Sort of,” Rude responded. Reno huffed an offended breath in response. A third voice laughed; still a distance away.

“Oh no, lady wrists. What a burn,” said the familiar sounding man.

Leon’s eyes popped open in surprise and he was greeted by a face he hadn’t expected to see. In fact, he hadn’t even thought about the face in a long while with much seriousness. Two huge brown eyes flanked by dark hair smiled down at him. The woman’s lips split into a wide grin at the sight of the other Carrier’s shocked expression. Leon was speechless.

“Welcome home almost,” Tifa said gently. “I’m glad you’re safe.”

“Wh-what…” Leon drawled stupidly. She laughed.

“Surprised?”

“Just a bit,” he said quickly. Tifa gently scratched his scalp.

“Can I have my hand back?” she asked. Leon slowly let up his grip and she stood straight again, folding her hands in front of herself. He blinked up at her for a moment before pushing himself up off the cushions. The first person he noticed was Zack standing back with Reno and Rude. The Charge smiled and waved at him a little.

“Glad to see you didn’t shit yourself,” he said.

“I don’t… I don’t understand. Why are you here? How?” Leon asked, looking between Zack and Tifa a few times. He vaguely wondered if he was hallucinating. On weak legs he stood, feeling like he would fall at any second from the shock. His attention turned back to Tifa, who was staring up at his face with wide watery eyes. She seemed less happy now and was closely studying the scar that marred his features. Letting out a loud sniffle, she lunged forward and wrapped her arms around his chest tightly, squeezing the air from his lungs.

“Tifa,” Zack sighed. He stepped to them and gently put his hands on the woman’s shoulders and tried to pry her off the other Carrier. She shrugged him off and shot a glare over her shoulder at him.

“Give me a minute,” she said. Her Charge let her go, giving Leon an apologetic look. Tifa pulled back from Leon a bit and reached her hands up to his face. The tears that had been building up finally dripped free and down her cheeks as she pushed his hair off his forehead and gently ran her fingers over the mark underneath. Leon scowled and leaned away from her, taking hold of her wrists and pushing them away gently.

“Stop,” he said, stepping back from her. Zack resumed trying to pull Tifa back.

“But—“ she persisted, looking weepy.

“I get that you’re upset for me. I appreciate the pity, but I’d just like to forget it’s there, okay?” Leon said, stepping around the couple. His brain was still a little fuzzy from the surprise of seeing his pseudo-family members, but after Tifa’s reaction, he felt less social and more like he needed to crawl into a hole and hide.

“We’ll give you a bit to get yourselves together and we can catch up later, yeah?” Zack asked, watching Leon as the russet Carrier stepped to Binky and Cloud. “We can do introductions and stuff then.”

“But—“ Tifa protested again, trying to pull away from her Charge. Zack held her steady and pulled her back. He cupped a hand to her face and pulled it close to his so he could whisper something to her. Despite his best efforts to be quiet, Leon was still able to hear.

“ _You’re doing exactly what we agreed you wouldn’t do,_ ” Zack murmured quietly. Tifa’s expression drooped as she forcibly tried to reel herself in.

Unbeknownst to Leon, Reno had given Zack and Tifa a brief and vague rundown of the russet Carrier’s injuries. The scars on his torso and on his face were the only ones he had mentioned, and only went into some detail for the former. The Bead Maker’s death wasn’t exactly the happiest of subjects, but the last thing Zack and Tifa needed to hear was that Cloud was the one who cut Leon’s face. In the brief time they got to know each other, Reno had become very familiar with how motherly Tifa could get. Rude’s lingering cough from his pneumonia got the woman up in arms almost immediately after they met and it took several days and a lot of work from Zack to get her to not worry anymore.

Needless to say, once Reno brought up the injuries on Leon the couple would inevitably discover, Tifa spent the remaining days on pins and needles with anxiety. Reno had mentioned the ones on Cloud as well, and she was just as concerned. Knowing how she would react, Zack had pulled her aside when the elevator was bringing Leon and Cloud down, and went over all the things she shouldn’t do. She seemed to have forgotten how against being babied Leon had been in the past, and she seemed genuinely surprised when she was reminded. Tifa promised she wouldn’t overreact. However, it was easier said than done.

“Sorry,” Reno said when Tifa and Zack were a fair distance away. “I tried to warn them so she wouldn’t freak out. I didn’t get into specifics too much, but I figured it was better they ask me all the questions rather than bombard you with them right away.”

“Thanks. I mean it. I don’t really want to discuss them. Not today at least,” Leon said as he kneeled down next to Cloud and gently nudged his shoulder. The blonde had fallen asleep against Binky’s side on the ride down.

“Understandable. I know how exhausted you must be, so I’m holding myself back from smothering you too. Just so you know,” Reno said with a dismissive wave of his hand. Leon smirked.

“I am tired. Knowing they’re here makes me even more tired if for no other reason than how much talking I know I’m going to be doing. I still have my own questions,” Leon said. Cloud’s eyes barely opened before dropping closed again. The Carrier sighed and tried to tug his Charge up into a sitting position. The blonde let out a loud groan.

“Whaa-aaat?” he whined, blearily sitting up and glaring at the carpet beneath him.

“I need to move you to a bed. You need to get up enough to get on my back. You can stay asleep after that for all I care,” the brunette muttered. Cloud blinked slowly a few times before he nodded shallowly and held his arms up. Leon pulled him to his feet. He turned around and knelt down in front of his Charge. Cloud unceremoniously dumped himself onto the Carrier’s back and made little effort to do more than become dead weight.

“Bed,” he grunted as if Leon needed direction.

“Fucking hell, Cloud. Give me a break,” the Carrier said, attempting to shrug the blonde’s arms around his neck. His Charge wasn’t even trying to help and let his legs sag against the floor.

“No,” Cloud muttered, his face planted against the Carrier’s neck. Reno watched the scene with a bit of a smile.

“Alright fine,” Leon said, reaching behind them both. The only readily available part of the lower half of Cloud’s body he could reach was the other’s backside. So, he grabbed two handfuls of the blonde’s copious butt and pulled him up. Immediately awake, Cloud let out a yell as his ass was sudden spread and each cheek was used as a handle to move him. To make matters worse, as soon as he could, Leon slid his hands down and around the undersides of his thighs to the backs of his knees. Once he had a good enough hold, the Carrier stood.

“The fuck is wrong with you?!” Cloud barked, smacking the back of Leon’s head. The Carrier grunted and leaned his head away from his Charge, glaring over his shoulder at him, anger shooting from his eyes.

“If you acted more like an adult and less like an immature child, I’d have just picked you up normally!”

“That doesn’t give you permission to molest me! It was a joke!”

“Did it sound like I was amused? Because I wasn’t! You should’ve just let me pick you up!”

“Well _excuse_ me for trying to make light of a situation that isn’t exactly fun for either of us. Just because you’re a dried up old fart with no sense of humor that doesn’t mean you can grope me!”

“And just because you’re too juvenile to see when someone is too tired from dragging your useless ass all over creation that doesn’t give you the right to make me more miserable and then hit me for trying to get you to cooperate!” Leon shouted. Cloud’s eyebrow twitched slightly as a ghost of something passed over his eyes. The Carrier had struck a nerve, which hurt. Furthermore, it made the blonde angry that Leon’s words were as painful as they were.

“Fuck you. Put me down,” Cloud said. His tone had calmed considerably but his words held an edge of spite to them.

“Gladly,” Leon said, leaning to the side. He abruptly let go of his Charge and let the blonde flop off his back onto the floor. Cloud landed mostly on Binky’s back and their baggage and he let out a loud pained grunt. Binky squeaked. Startled, the bird’s immediate reaction was to try to scurry out from under the blonde and get away. As a result, Cloud was shoved to the side as Binky stood and scooted away from them both.

“Leon, that’s going too far,” Reno intervened, his brows pushing together in a scowl. Without a response, Leon stepped to Binky and took the reins, leading the bird along as he left the elevator and out into the Shumi village. It was clear he had had his fill of shenanigans for the day. The redhead went to Cloud’s side and knelt next to him, watching Leon’s back as he disappeared through the doors. When he was gone, Reno turned his attention to the blonde.

“Just leave me here. I’ll catch up eventually,” Cloud growled, his face twisted in pain and his hands balled into fists.

“Are you going to be alright?” Reno asked, motioning for Rude to come to them. The other Charge stepped close and waited for his Carrier’s cue to do something.

“Oh, yeah. Fucking great. Just give me a few minutes and I’ll bounce _right_ back,” the blonde spat nastily. He rested his forehead on one of his fists and took a few deep even breaths through his mouth as he waited for the intense pain in his back to subside. Reno sighed.

“If it’s any consolation, it was funny up until he dropped you,” the redhead said.

Cloud didn’t respond and was quiet for several minutes. Once his back had finished screaming, he shakily pushed himself up into a sitting position. His eyes flicked between Reno and Rude a few times as his pride attempted to recover. He held his arms up to Rude and was helped to his feet without protest. Reno volunteered to carry him, and the blonde amicably climbed onto the redhead’s back. They set out into the village quietly.

The blonde was unsettled by the appearance of the Shumi people. He hadn’t known what to expect, so when the first one crossed his line of view he startled and stared until they were out of eyesight. The village itself was also strange to him. Looking around with wide eyes, he tried to drink in all the nature and the architecture as much as possible. The giant tree in the middle and the massive crystal structures in the ceiling perplexed him the most, but there was another detail that grabbed his attention even more so.

There was a woman; a human woman by his understanding. She was extremely beautiful to him and he couldn’t help but follow her with his eyes. He even went so far to keep her in his view that he held onto Reno’s shoulders and leaned back as far as possible without falling off. Aside from Rinoa and the nurses in Balamb, who were forgettable, this new woman was the healthiest and most vibrant female he had come across in a long while. She seemed upset as she talked with a dark-haired man Cloud barely registered as existing. Her apparent sadness made him frown a little too.

“What are you _doing_ back there?” Reno chastised as the blonde threatened to pull him backwards.

“There’s a girl,” Cloud blurted. The redhead turned some so he could see who the Charge was talking about.

“Oh. That’s Tifa. She’s from Leon’s side of the world. I am too technically, but I don’t live near them.”

“Tifa,” the blonde repeated, trying to stitch the name into his broken memory. Something occurred to him, then. “Who’s Leon?”

Reno let out a snort and a laugh. “That asshole who threw you on the ground.”

“Oh. Wait, _really_? I thought his name was something else. S… something. I don’t really remember but I know it wasn’t Leon.”

“Yeah, you’re going to have to discuss that with him at a later date. That’s a minefield I’m not equipped to traverse.”

“Don’t really feel like talking to him.”

“I don’t blame you. But, I’ll see if I can get him to apologize.”

Cloud let out an exasperated sigh but didn’t respond otherwise. With Tifa clogging up his thinking space, it was difficult for him focus on much else. There were too many questions. What was she like? What did her voice sound like? Was she single? And if she wasn’t, did that really matter? It didn’t, according to Cloud. Even if she had someone, if she was led astray easily enough, then their relationship didn’t amount to a whole lot, in his opinion. That wasn’t his fault, he felt.

Soon enough, Reno reached the inn everyone had been staying at. Cloud was still preoccupied contemplating Tifa and barely noticed the change in scenery. However, when Reno sat and he was suddenly let go of, the blonde noticed he had been brought to a somewhat spacious bedroom. It was less lavish than the one in the hotel in Trabia, but it was still nice. The fabrics on the bed were silky soft and the colors were bright and saturated. The walls were a bronzy-copper and felt like metal, and the floor was a rich wood. He had a bed and a desk, an exit, and another door he assumed was a bathroom.

“There are two floors to the inn, one down here and one up top with a sort of common area plus a kitchen and a couple more bedrooms. I’ll be next door to you, and Rude is in the room after that. Leon is in the other room attached to this one,” Reno explained, standing up again.

“Attached?” Cloud asked.

“Right. You guys share a bathroom.”

“ _Great_ ,” the blonde sighed. “Who lives upstairs?”

“Zack and Tifa, and my family.”

“You have family here?”

“Temporarily, yes. They’ll be coming home with us, though. We can worry about introductions when you’re less tired and are cleaned up. Don’t want to ruin the first impressions, yeah?”

“I’d like to meet Tifa now, though. I don’t really care how tired I am.”

Reno laughed. “Believe me when I say you don’t want to meet her right now. You need to look as healthy as possible when you do if you want to get away with an ounce of manliness left. You look like shit, and if you let her, she’ll practically put you in diapers and carry you around like a helpless baby until you feel better. She’s an awesome person, but she _really_ likes to take care of people. It’s suffocating.”

“She can take care of me all she wants. I’d be alright with that,” Cloud concluded with a glint in his eye. Reno laughed again.

“I don’t think you understand, but okay. Get some sleep for now, but I’ll let her know you can be her surrogate child since Leon refused to be.”

“Well, from what I gather, he likes less tits and more dicks so I’m not really surprised he refused.”

“Ah… right,” Reno said, still laughing a little under his breath. He glanced to Rude who shared in his all-too-knowing amusement. “We’ll see you tomorrow probably,” he added, heading towards the door. Cloud gave them a tiny wave as they left.

“He’s in for an earful,” Rude said quietly as they stepped out into the hallway. Reno shrugged.

“Not my responsibility. But I look forward to the inevitable crash and burn, there. “

“Not going to lie, I sort of am too.”

“Good. That makes me feel like less of a horrible person.”

“You’re not a horrible person per se, just …misunderstood,” Rude said with a short laugh. The redhead elbowed him in the side lightly, giving him a bit of a glare. The Charge wasn’t perturbed though, and laughed more.

“It’s just the price I have to pay for being as awesome as I am,” Reno said dismissively.

Further ahead, the doors into the inn popped open and Leon stomped inside followed by Zack and Tifa. The brunette seemed even more annoyed than he had been previously, and glared intently at the ground as he walked. Zack followed a short distance back as Tifa attempted to get Leon’s attention. She looked more upset than she had been before. Her Charge watched them closely.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? It was insensitive of me and I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about it. It was just… more than what I expected, and I didn’t react very well. Please,” the woman begged, grabbing the other feline Carrier’s jacket by the sleeve. Leon stopped walking and looked at her, stone-faced. “I missed you so much and I worried about you for so many years. I just want to know that you’re okay and aren’t unhappy to see us, maybe,” she persisted.

“I’m fine, and I’m not unhappy to see you. But I’m exhausted, and I would like to sleep and recover some of my sanity before I’m interrogated, alright? Please just let me go to bed for both our sakes,” Leon said, peeling the woman’s hand off his arm. Heartbroken, Tifa nodded and stepped away, keeping her eyes low. Leon turned and left again.

“Tifa,” Zack said gently, holding his hand out for her. She went to him with a frown and loosely wrapped her arms around his waist, and rested her head against his chest.

“Which room am I in?” Leon asked Reno as he approached the redhead. Reno pointed a thumb over his shoulder.

“Fourth down,” he said. The brunette brushed past him with a nod. Reno caught his arm, stopping him again. “Hey, and when you wake up again, seriously consider apologizing to Cloud. You really hurt him,” he added, letting go. Leon didn’t respond and started walking towards his room. Reno sighed. Once his friend was gone again, he turned to Tifa and Zack.

“I don’t get it,” Tifa mumbled. Her Charge rubbed her back.

“He’s probably overwhelmed,” Zack said.

“I should’ve warned him you guys were here,” Reno said, closing the gap between them more. “I knew he’d be weird about it, but I didn’t think he’d react that negatively. I was expecting him to just be awkward.”

“He was awkward though,” Zack said with a bit of a laugh.

“He didn’t seem happy to see us at all,” Tifa said. “He looked at us like we were aliens.”

“I can understand that, honestly,” her Charge said. She looked up at him with her brows knit together angrily. “Hear me out on this one, okay? Before he left we knew him for, what? Three? Four years maybe? Ninety percent of that time was spent studying and about eight percent of that was sleeping and eating. The other two percent was spent on talking and getting to know him, and even then, it wasn’t really all that in-depth. Face it Tifa: we just don’t know the guy very much. The Technicians picked us to come prepare them to come home because we knew him for the longest time, which in their heads, means we had somewhat of a relationship with him. But we don’t really have that with him. We’re more attached to him than he is to us. Being away for so long really changes a person, and I’d wager a guess that he’s not anything like he used to be, anyway. We probably _are_ aliens to him.”

“He has changed,” Reno said. “Too much has happened. I’m not going to explain anything because it’s not my place, but just know that you may as well have never met him.”

“That’s not fair,” Tifa said sadly. Zack shrugged.

“But it’s also not fair for us to expect so much from him when he hasn’t seen us in over twenty years,” he said. “Give him today to sort his head out and we can try again tomorrow, okay?” he added. The woman heaved a heavy sigh, but eventually nodded.

“Fine.”


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61

“Leon, I’d like you to meet my mother, Idania,” Reno said, motioning to the woman sitting across from him.

It was early in the morning and Leon was only partially awake. He had come to the upper floor of the inn to see if he could find something to eat, and was surprised to find Reno sitting at the table with a woman who he could only think to describe as angelic. She was very pale, almost white, with delicate features and wide eyes. Her hair was like spun gold; it had been pulled over her shoulder and flowed like silk down her front where the majority of it came to rest on her lap. She wore a long robe with bright colors which made the contrast of her skin and hair even more apparent. With shining lilac eyes she smiled at Leon, giving him a gentle wave. He stared at her awkwardly for a moment before giving her a tiny wave in return.

“Mother?” he blurted, thinking the term to be very strange. He had never heard it spoken in reference to another Carrier before, and the relationship there confused him.

“Yes. She is the original bovine Carrier,” Reno said. Leon’s eyes opened so wide they nearly rolled out of his skull. Of course, having being related to Reno meant that the woman was a bovine Carrier of some sort, but he hardly expected the original one. Regardless, the irony of her appearance wasn’t lost on him; a fragile looking woman turning into something that could pull several tons of weight? It was very strange.

“Original bovine? Like… _all_ of them?” he asked, flabbergasted.

“Yes. Her Totem is _Bovidae_.”

“A family. Not a genus or a species.”

“Correct. That’s why I call her my mother. In fact, her model number is A1 if you can believe it,” Reno said calmly. He smiled a bit at his friend’s apparent confusion. Idania smiled as well, but remained silent. To Leon’s surprise, she turned to Reno and started using sign language to speak with him. He watched the as the two spoke with their hands, completely fascinated by everything he had seen so far.

“She’s deaf?” he asked.

“No, she just chooses not to speak,” Reno replied nonchalantly.

“Oh,” Leon deadpanned, feeling strange. He felt he had intruded on something a little too personal, but couldn’t resist asking anyway. Knowing how huge the _Bovidae_ family was, the brunette was also incredibly impressed. He found himself wanting to ask millions of questions but he couldn’t bring himself to interrupt the pair’s conversation. As he stood there wallowing in his indecision, he found he felt extremely inferior to her.

“She tells me that I didn’t warn her well enough about how handsome you are,” Reno said with a tiny snort. A grin spread across his face as Idania continued talking to him. “She says—“ he attempted, his words breaking up in a fit of light laughter. “She says she’s always wanted a pet kitten to take home with her,” he finished. Leon made a disgruntled face.

“A kitten? Me? Hardly,” he said flippantly, dismissively waving his hand.

“Well seeing as you’re the youngest amongst the Carriers here, you’re basically the baby. Kitten works pretty well in this context,” Reno said.

“An almost eight hundred pound kitten is a really terrifying kitten, in my opinion,” Leon said, making his way to the refrigerator. He pursed his lips as he examined its contents. “Is Tifa going to eat all this fish herself?” he asked.

“No, she caught a few extra yesterday because she knew you were coming.”

“I’ll have to remember to thank her later,” Leon said, pulling out a plate that held a couple fillets. He took them to the counter so he could cut them into easier to eat pieces. Somehow, just chewing on an entire cut of fish didn’t seem very polite. As he prepared his breakfast, the only sounds to be heard in the room were the long sleeves of Idania’s robe gently brushing up against the table as she signed to Reno. The silence was a little unsettling. The conversation slowly stopped when he came to sit and eat.

“Welcome back, by the way,” Reno said, propping his elbows up on the table and resting his chin on his hands. He smiled at Leon.

“My body is back, but my head is still floating in the ether somewhere. It feels weird to be here,” Leon admitted.

“Yeah, I know that feeling. Especially with the overload of people you know being here. It took me about a week to get adjusted again.”

“Having Tifa and Zack here is almost too much to handle. There is so much going through my mind all the time, so to have to add them in is… overwhelming.”

“Well, they’re only here to help prepare us to go home. My parents are here for the same reason. You don’t actually have to worry about them being here”

“Oh. More than one parent?” Leon asked, looking to Idania. “Your Charge is here as well?” he asked. She nodded.

“He sleeps a lot,” Reno said.

“I would too if my brain would let me,” Leon said with a bit of a shrug. “What do we need to be prepared for, though?”

“They’re supposed to give you and Cloud physicals and write up some reports and stuff. The Technicians know how the people over here are. Cloud will probably have to be taught the laws for back home and quizzed accordingly. Rude, not so much, but there’s probably some stuff he doesn’t even think about that he needs to know.”

“Teaching Cloud the meaning of ‘no’ when it comes to women is going to be a disaster,” Leon muttered. Reno shrugged.

“Maybe, maybe not. I get the impression he was raised correctly, right? It wasn’t until after he was taken into the military that stuff got screwed up in his head.”

“Right, but how much of that damage is permanent? What if his judgment is always going to be skewed?”

“It’s possible, but you can’t resolve yourself to that just yet without trying to teach him. Not giving him a chance to redeem himself is asking for a lifetime of uphill battles.”

“I suppose that’s true. It’s hard to be optimistic after everything that’s happened, though.”

“I can understand that,” Reno said, leaning back in his seat again. “I’m sure Zack would be willing to help you. He said he was excited to meet Cloud; thinks they’d have an easy time relating to one another. From what I gather, though, Zack didn’t do nearly as much as Cloud did. Nor was he in the military for very long.”

“He wasn’t. He was in for months versus Cloud’s years,” Leon said with a bit of a sigh. “Regardless, he can help Cloud get over the idea of being sick for a while, maybe. Tifa will be willing to help too, I bet.”

“I’m sure she will,” the redhead said. He laughed a bit. “Cloud likes Tifa.”

“Did she talk to him?”

“No, he just saw her. He _likes_ her.”

“…Oh. Great. He can have fun with that.”

“You’re not going to stop him from making an ass of himself?”

“No. He can figure it out the hard way. Let Zack punch him in the mouth a few times.”

“Wow. School of hard knocks, eh? You’re not very good at making him like you.”

“Says the guy that can hardly look at him without glaring a hole through his head.”

“Hey, I never said I couldn’t hate his guts. I’m just saying,” Reno said with a shrug.

Leon was quiet for a moment as he ate, carefully considering how he felt about his Charge. He couldn’t grasp the idea of hating the most important person in his life. He cared about what happened to Cloud and genuinely didn’t wish any lasting problems on him, but he couldn’t help but feel exhausted when he thought about rebuilding his way of thinking. A dark shadow loomed over his mind when he considered his Charge and he was doubtful of how patient he could be with the blonde. He didn’t know if he could move past their problems, or if they’d ever have a normal relationship regardless of how deep that relationship went. Right now, his Charge was more or less still a stranger to him. One he hated with every fiber of his being but cared about with every piece of his conscience.

“I don’t know what to do,” he said idly, pushing his plate away from himself when he was finished.

“You could ask him what he wants and try to give him that. Seems like a quick way to get on someone’s good side,” Reno said.

“And if he says he wants me to die or that he wants to leave?”

“Killing yourself seems a bit extreme so I wouldn’t recommend it, and I suppose you could dump him outside in the snow and see if he changes his mind about leaving.”

“I feel like that defeats the purpose of giving him what he wants.”

“You’re giving yourself unrealistic answers to questions you haven’t even asked yet,” Reno said with a bit of a sigh and a shake of his head. He took Leon’s dish and brought it over to the kitchen sink. “I meant that you should ask him what he wants from you. Do stuff for him, and don’t expect him to automatically bend to your way of doing things. Make him feel like he has a say, because right now, he doesn’t have much control over his life despite what you may think. He is literally at your mercy because you’re his ticket to a better life. Take that dependency and turn it into something that feels like a mutual benefit. I’m sure he’d respond to that better than you being his caretaker. Maybe it’ll get him to loosen up some and make him not be such a stubborn prick.”

“For someone who supposedly hates him so much you really seem to want me to placate him a lot.”

“I’m just giving you some ideas. Truthfully, if you two don’t pull your heads out of your dickholes, you’re both going to be miserable for the rest of your time together. Something has to give and since you’re the one who understands the situation, it has to be you. I may not like him, but I really don’t think either of your deserve to spend the rest of your lives hating the air you breathe because the other one might have breathed it first.”

“Easier said than done,” Leon muttered. He folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on them with a long sigh. Closing his eyes, he tried to imagine a life of having a civil relationship with Cloud. It seemed like such a fantasy. As he pondered, he felt the soft touch of fingers gliding through his hair. He peeled his eyes open again to see Idania studying him carefully. She smiled at him, and her expression told him ‘ _it’ll be okay, don’t worry so much_.’ Leon couldn’t tell exactly how old she was, but he didn’t doubt she had been around a very long time. Figuring in her age and experience, her smile was reassuring. He gave her a scant one in return.

A dry rasping cough suddenly sounded from one of the nearby bedrooms. Idania pulled away from Leon and quietly took her leave. As she stood, the feline Carrier was somewhat surprised to notice how small she was. She couldn’t have been much more than five feet tall. The way she walked perplexed him as well. She practically floated over the floor her footsteps were so even. Had he not been able to hear her feet against the tile, he’d have thought she was levitating. It was an unearthly sort of walk, one he couldn’t quite figure out. But, despite his many questions, the woman disappeared into the bedroom the coughing had come from. Reno sat at the table with him again.

“My father is very sick,” the redhead said with a tiny frown. Leon raised a brow at him, finally pulling his attention away from the suspicious bedroom.

“Why is he here, then?” the brunette asked. “Shouldn’t he be at home?”

“From what mom says, he wanted to visit his homeland one more time before he dies. He’s from here, and they’ve followed a few of my cousins here in the past.”

“Really? Where is he from specifically?”

“A really really really old nation that doesn’t exist anymore. Centra, I think it was called. I don’t know much about it. It was destroyed around the time mom brought him home.”

“Wow,” Leon said, sitting back in his seat again. He furrowed his brows together in thought. “How old are they?”

“Mom is one of the few remaining original models of Carriers from after the Great War. She’s over nineteen hundred years old. She won’t be around much longer though,” Reno said, his tone flat. Leon couldn’t decide if the redhead seemed upset or not.

“Why do you say that?” he asked.

“When dad dies, she plans on going with him. I’d be surprised if he lives long enough to go home again.”

“He’s _that_ sick? What does he have?”

“Cancer. A lot of cancer. It started in his lungs and spread to his bones. It’s everywhere,” Reno said, propping an elbow up on the table and resting his cheek against his palm. He stared at the table with a blank look in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’ll stop,” Leon said, shrinking down in his chair a bit. Reno shook his head.

“It’s alright. I call them my parents but I don’t really feel like they’re my parents, you know? They didn’t really raise me. My cousins are more like parents to me than they are. I know them, I care about them, and I’ll be upset when they’re gone, but I don’t think I’ll be devastated. I think it’s easier for me to accept because I know it’s his choice.”

“His choice?”

“Yeah. They could’ve saved him. They could’ve replaced the infected lung when they found it. But, just about everything inside him is unnatural. He’s had so many replacements and surgeries over the course of his life, he decided he was done. Nineteen hundred years is a long time to live. I can’t say I would’ve been able to put up with it for as long as he has, so I don’t really blame him.”

“But still, dying of cancer is just…”

“Painful. It’s an awful way to die. I wish he would’ve just decided to end it when he made up his mind, but he wanted to come here first, I guess. The Shumi have helped him a lot, though. Whenever he’s in too much pain they try to heal him some. Not all the way; just enough to ease the hurt. Even if he wanted them to, they can’t really heal him entirely though, what with all the fake insides he has,” Reno explained, picking at the finish on the table’s surface.

“Isn’t curing him prolonging the inevitable, though? I thought he was ready to go.”

“To some extent it is, I guess. We still have a few years before we can go home, and he’s already in pretty bad shape. Even if the Shumi help him take one step forward towards recovery, the cancer takes him back another two steps quickly. Like I said; if he makes it until we go home, I’d be very surprised.”

“I see. Your mother is alright with them dying over here instead of at home, though?”

“She said they’ve already said their goodbyes. The Technicians even gave them the go-ahead.”

“Wow…” Leon said, his mind working overtime in order to absorb everything he had heard. Before he could gather it all up, Reno continued.

“The Shumi knew who he was as soon as they saw him even though they couldn’t really remember clearly. They called him an Ancient, and they said he was still tethered to Eden. I didn’t really understand what all that meant when they explained it to me, but… then I watched him start a fire in one of the kilns in the village market by snapping his fingers,” the redhead said, casting a disbelieving look at his friend. Leon raised a skeptical brow at him, his mouth pressed into a line.

“Seriously?” he asked.

“Seriously. My dad does that weird… magic-y bullshit like it’s his hobby. It weirds me out,” Reno said, running a hand over his face. “I really wish they would’ve warned me. I feel like he’s some sort of mutant I’ve never met before.”

“That’s…” Leon said, sighing a bit with frustration as he tried to understand. “You’re sure?”

“I really am, dude. He’s always been a spiritual guy, but I never imagined _this_. He said he wants to die here because this is where he feels the most at peace. Mom acts like this is normal so I guess there’s something to what he says.”

 “This is too surreal for me,” the brunette said. Reno nodded a few times in agreement.

“Right? Every time I think about it my brain melts.”

“Yeah…” Leon trailed, running his hands through his hair. “I mean… I guess that’s fine. If this is where he wants to be, then he should be here. Regardless of what his abilities are when he’s here, we can’t deny that he’s been a part of something huge back home. He’s done his part and then some. Let the guy die how he likes.”

“It’s not the dying how he likes part that gets me upset, it’s the fact that I feel like I don’t even know him anymore. We weren’t exactly attached at the hip or anything before but at the very least I felt like I knew who he was. Now, I’m afraid he’s going to up and die before I get to _really_ know him. It’d be a real tragedy if I miss the opportunity to really understand the person that helped start everything that made me, you know?”

“There’s still time.”

“I know. And I’m trying. I just hope it’s enough,” Reno said, his expression drooping. He leaned forward, folding his arms on the table and resting his face on them. “I don’t want him to die yet.”

“I don’t blame you,” Leon said. He mimicked Reno’s posture, getting down on the redhead’s level and looking him in the eye. “Try as much as you can, and hope for the best. With luck, he’ll hold out up until we have to go home again. There’s time.”

“I hope so,” Reno sighed. They shared a comfortable, if somewhat depressing, silence between them for several minutes before Leon’s brain got the better of him. He had so many questions.

“Can I ask you something? Let me know if I’m intruding on anything,” he asked.

“Yeah,” Reno said.

“Why doesn’t Idania speak?”

“Because dad is deaf,” the redhead said simply. He slowly sat up and yawned before standing and heading for the sofa, motioning for the brunette to join him. Leon followed and took one side, propping a leg up along the seat. He had expected Reno to do the same but on the opposite side, but instead, the redhead invaded his personal space and practically dropped himself on Leon’s lap. The brunette let out a loud grunt as the top half of Reno’s body weighed down on his lungs. His friend hugged him around his middle and clung to him.

“The hell is wrong with you?” Leon asked spitefully. He hesitated some before trying to nudge Reno off of him.

“I’m upset, stressed, and I missed you. Just give me this, okay?” the redhead said with a deep sigh. After a moment of consideration, the brunette relented and let out a grumble. He scooted around as much as he could in order to get comfortable, preparing to be there a while. Reno settled on him with his face resting against his friend’s chest. Leon loosely draped his arms over the other’s shoulders and laced his fingers together, resting them on the middle of the redhead’s back.

“So…” Leon said, clearing his throat a bit. “Has your dad always been deaf?”

“No. According to what I heard, there was a conference... some time ago,” Reno said, scrunching his brows together as he tried to remember. “It was a few hundred years or so if I recall correctly. Anyway, I don’t remember the exact reason why, but I heard that a riot broke out between some activist group and the Charges. Dad wasn’t really a part of it but he and mom were sort of in the line of fire when things started to be thrown. He got hit in the side of the face with a uh… soiled diaper, let’s say.”

“Oh. Because those are things I keep with me all the time,” Leon said, wrinkling his nose in disgust. “People are terrible.”

“Yeah, I know,” Reno said. “But the riot went on for a while before it was brought under control, and even though mom tried to clean him up, the damage was already done. He got a really bad ear infection which spread into both his ears, then he got meningitis, and between the virus using the nerves in his ears to travel around and the swelling, he lost his hearing.”

“Did anyone aside from your mother try to help him? Don’t we have antibiotics for all of that?”

“They tried. The riot caused a lot of problems, and they were stuck in the conference center for over a day before the Technicians would pay attention to the Carriers and Charges that weren’t involved. From what I gather, dad was flat out denied any help. Then they were just sent home.”

“Did she not take him to a doctor to get checked out?”

Reno laughed a bit. “You’re asking all the same questions I did. It’s cute,” he said. “She did take him, but once they figured out what she was and who he was, they denied them care. They said to go to a Carrier approved clinic, which at the time was in the next dome over. Then they had to wait for approval to leave our home dome.”

“This fucking system,” Leon sighed, running a hand over his face with a sigh. “I had forgotten how it is back home. I’m not looking forward to it.”

“Me either, honestly. Being here is much more peaceful, and I don’t feel like a piece of dirt to be kicked around.”

“Yeah,” the brunette said. He was quiet for a moment. “That still doesn’t really tell me why your mother chooses not to speak.”

“According to my cousins, mom used to be one hell of a singer, and she always had a really pretty soft voice. Once dad went deaf and he couldn’t hear her anymore, she decided that no one else should be able to either.”

“That’s…”

“Insanely romantic?”

“I was going to say ‘really tragic’ but I guess you have a point, too.”

“Yeah. I wish I could’ve heard what she sounded like but I think her dedication is really amazing.”

“It is impressive,” Leon admitted. The stories surrounding Reno’s parents were intriguing, but when Leon thought about them in the context of his relationship with Cloud, it seemed so unrealistic. First and foremost he couldn’t imagine spending thousands of years with the blonde without attempting to murder him somewhere along the line. Secondly, the amount of care and compassion it must take in order to be so dedicated to one another seemed far beyond Cloud’s scope of reasoning. Even if their relationship was to remain platonic, it still took a lot of effort. Leon let out a long and somewhat dejected sigh.

“What’s wrong?” Reno asked. Having been lost in his thoughts for a moment, the brunette hadn’t realized his friend had been staring at him. Leon considered whether or not he wanted to clue Reno in on his thoughts.

“Nothing. I’ll let you know if it becomes a problem in the future, though.”

“What is it?”

“Reno…” Leon warned, giving the redhead a tiny glare. His friend was starting to pry and he could feel his annoyance rising.

“No, tell me. I told you a bunch of stuff. It’s your turn,” Reno demanded. Leon let out another sigh.

“I can’t imagine putting up with Cloud for as long as your parents have been together. It doesn’t seem feasible.”

“I know that feeling. I doubt Rude and I will ever be like that,” the redhead said with a bit of a frown.

“Really? What happened to all your predictions of grandeur?”

“He’s not gay and I don’t want to obligate him to be,” Reno said. He pushed himself up until he could sit with his legs folded underneath him. Leon did the same. Now that he could see over the back of the sofa, he spied a t-shirt clad shoulder and the side of Rude’s face peeking around the corner at them from the stairway. The two of them shared brief eye contact as Reno stared down at his hands and let out a sigh. Leon didn’t know how long the Charge had been there, but Rude made no attempt to come further into the room so it was clear he didn’t want to be seen yet. Leon didn’t push it.

“I seem to remember saying the same thing about Cloud and you told me that he didn’t have to be gay; he just had to be Leonsexual. Wouldn’t there be a Renosexual too?”

“Yeah maybe, but I’d want him to at least try and go out and find someone he didn’t have to force himself to like, you know? If he chooses me, it’d be my perfect scenario but I don’t want to intentionally limit him by guilting him into anything. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I did that.”

“Does he know all this?” Leon asked. He could vaguely remember Reno mentioning in passing that he ‘blew it’ but the brunette didn’t really want to assume what he meant by that. There were multiple meanings; all of which applied to Reno’s lifestyle well.

“Mostly. He says he doesn’t hate me for how I feel, but made it obvious that he doesn’t reciprocate. He figured out a lot of the restrictions you and I have for relationships just by thinking through what I told him, though. I feel sort of stupid that I thought I could fool him and keep him in the dark about it; he’s really smart,” Reno said, leaning against the back of the couch. He smiled a bit, but couldn’t meet Leon’s eyes. “He’s perfect. Too perfect. I shouldn’t have been so optimistic about what we’d be together; that amount of perfect would be beyond reality. I sort of understand why you’re always so pessimistic. Low expectations don’t hurt as much.”

“I’m pessimistic regardless of what I try to be, not because I consciously think to be. It’s not the greatest. I get your point, though. But did he flat out refuse you? Did he actually tell you there is no hope?”

“Not really, no, but he did tell me he wasn’t gay and the whole conversation sort of threw him for a loop. I saw in his face that nothing like that was there,” the redhead said, his eyes focusing on a spot on the floor. Leon glanced at Rude, who wasn’t watching them anymore, but was still there. He was staring up at the ceiling as he leaned against the wall. Leon could only imagine what he was thinking. When he looked back to Reno, though, he noticed the redhead’s eyes were watering. The brunette had no idea what to do for him. He had never seen his friend look so miserable before.

“Reno…”

“Sorry,” the redhead said quickly, wiping at his eyes. “I really shouldn’t dwell on it. This isn’t the worst scenario. At least Rude is my friend.”

“That’s more than what I can say about Cloud,” Leon muttered.

“Right. I know,” Reno agreed. Despite his attempts to stop them, the tears just kept coming. He felt pathetic and selfish, like he was expecting the world to revolve around him and for everything to go his way. “I’m just… afraid to die alone,” he said. Pulling a knee up so he could rest his cheek against it, Reno sniffed back a few tears and stared into space off to the side.

“You’re sort of jumping to conclusions, aren’t you?” Leon asked. “You haven’t even started working yet and you’re already picturing the end of your life. Things change. People change.”

“You didn’t see his face, though. It’s not happening, man. It just isn’t,” the redhead insisted.

“Well, if I was him, and my best friend who I assumed was _only_ my friend suddenly blurted out his undying love for me, I’d be pretty taken aback, too. You probably saw him in his ‘holy shit no homo’ moment because you surprised him. That doesn’t mean stuff is finite and it’ll never change, though. That’s what I’m hoping for with Cloud, at least,” Leon said, folding his arms over his chest. He leaned back against the arm of the sofa with a stony face. “You said it yourself: at least Rude is your friend. I’m still waiting for Cloud to make me stop wanting to murder him so we could maybe have that much; or maybe just being civil for twenty minutes. I’d settle for that. I’m waiting for him to go back to the way he was before the military took his life away. You can wait for Rude to open up a little more.”

“How long do you expect me to wait before I’m allowed to be upset?” Reno asked, sounding somewhat annoyed. He gave his friend a tiny glare.

“Until it doesn’t hurt anymore? I have no idea, Reno. But what else are you going to do? What monumentally important thing do you have to do that doesn’t allow you to wait for him? Because I’m pretty sure you and I aren’t going to be doing much once we get home. You have the time,” Leon said. He leaned forward again until he was in the redhead’s line of sight properly. “Or are you anticipating dying alone before you give him a chance?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, from what I hear it sounds like you can’t have what you want right away so you feel you’re going to die before you get it. You seem to forget that we live to be older than old, so… are you planning on dying prematurely?” Leon asked, his face completely serious and void of emotion. Reno’s expression blanked for a second before he sat up a little straighter.

“Like suicide? Whoa, no, I’m not that far gone yet.”

“Then you have time to wait, correct?”

“Yeah… but—“

“But it hurts? Believe me. I know how much impatience can cause oneself a load of pain. It’d be easier if Cloud didn’t test me every minute he’s awake, but I’m trying to learn how to be patient. If you want, we can learn together,” Leon offered, his posture relaxing. Reno watched him quietly for a moment, thinking over everything his feline friend had told him. He nodded shallowly and took a deep breath. Drying his face with his hands one last time, the redhead tried his hardest to reel in his emotions and calm down.

“I feel like a teenager that was turned down by a date for the prom,” he muttered in spite of himself. Leon shrugged.

“I don’t blame you for feeling that way.”

“Yeah, well, thanks but it still doesn’t help me feel differently,” Reno said.

“I didn’t think it would.”

“You’re not helping.”

“Wasn’t trying to, really. I was trying to help Rude by making you stop and understand what you were thinking. I have a hard time believing he’d be okay with you torturing yourself like this. I’m not good at lying so I can only be honest with you.”

“I know…” Reno sighed, looking tired.

Just then, Rude decided he had heard enough and meandered into the common living space. He headed for the kitchen and plopped down at the table. Rubbing his eyes, he yawned. Leon took that as a cue to leave the pair alone and gave the Charge a tiny wave of acknowledgement as he left quietly. Reno watched him go with somewhat wide eyes, wondering what he was supposed to do now that he was on his own. He had hardly any time to push their conversation aside and paint on his happy face again. The nervousness crept in and he pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them a bit.

“Sleep okay?” the redhead asked, watching Rude carefully. His Charge shrugged.

“Not really,” he mumbled.

“Oh. Well, you can try to go back to bed if you want. I don’t really have much for us to do today.”

“Nah. I’ve already tried. I’m up for the day,” Rude said, taking a deep breath. He let out a bit of a cough; a residual morning problem left behind by his pneumonia. Reno hardly noticed it anymore.

“Anything I can do to help?” Reno asked. Rude looked contemplative for a moment before he cast a sidelong glance at his Carrier and then shifted his eyes to the floor. There was so much to think about and consider that his head was in a bit of a fog. Reno was under his skin, and he couldn’t decide if he was alright with it or not. They had done so much together and were the best of friends, but Rude had a very hard time seeing their relationship as much more than that. Ever since they had come to the Shumi village, he had been thinking about the things Reno had told him and had made a conscious effort to try and see his friend as more than just his friend.

The thought didn’t disgust him like he thought it should’ve, however, there was a lot of anxiety he felt by the unknowns. Never in his life did he ever have the notion to feel attracted to another man, and now was no exception. He knew that he was considering it out of guilt. He knew it was a feeling he was cooking up because Reno had opened his eyes to what life would be like for the Carrier on the other side of the portal. He hated the idea of Reno being miserable and terrified of dying alone. It was wrong, and he wanted to change it. But he was forcing an idea that had never crossed his mind before; an idea that technically wasn’t even his. It felt so wrong, but the end result seemed okay.

Reno had changed a lot once he had admitted his feelings and made the situation known. He spent less time around Rude than what the Charge was used to, wasn’t as talkative, and not nearly as happy. He seemed normal to just about everyone else, but Reno’s abnormality was what made him such a fun friend to have. Reno pulling away from him (however slight it may have been outwardly) hurt Rude more than the idea of being with another man. In fact, the idea wasn’t even painful; it was just scary and different.

“No, there’s nothing to help with. Just haven’t adjusted to the new bed yet, I guess,” Rude lied.

Reno wasn’t convinced that was the issue, but didn’t push it. “Okay. I’m going to go take a shower and get dressed,” the redhead said quickly. He stood, and before Rude could say anything else, hurried away towards the staircase. Every rushed step he took piled more weight on his Charge’s shoulders; the guilt threatening to crush him. He had heard Reno’s tears and how much the redhead was hurting just by being around him. It was torturous to know what he was causing simply because he couldn’t force himself to feel differently yet.

“Reno,” Rude called. The redhead hesitated for a moment, his hands starting to shake. Reno glanced over his shoulder.

“Yeah?” he asked, as calmly as he could.

“Once you’re done, I’d like to take a walk. There’s some stuff I think we should discuss.”

“Bad stuff?” the redhead asked, his heart thumping against his ribcage.

“I haven’t decided yet,” Rude said hesitantly.

“Okay, I’ll be quick, then.”

\-----------------------------

Leon was debating how much Cloud would punch him if he woke the blonde up prematurely. He was hoping he could convince his Charge to come out of his room and talk, but when he peeked into the other’s bedroom through the bathroom door, the blonde was still sound asleep. So, in an effort to stall, he decided to get ready for the day. He took a long shower and got dressed. He was in the middle of brushing his teeth when something unexpected happened.

Cloud came into the bathroom. There were two sinks in the room and Leon half expected the blonde to take the one he wasn’t using in order to brush his teeth or something, but he didn’t. Silently, Cloud bypassed him completely and went to the toilet in order to take his morning pee. Surprised, Leon froze for a moment. He stared at Cloud’s reflection in the mirror wide eyed with his toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. The blonde was only in the room for about a minute as he finished his business, lightly washed his hands, and then took his leave again. The silence that followed was only broken by the soft _plip_ of a dollop of toothpaste foam falling from Leon’s mouth into the sink.

After he had finished, the Carrier decided that he needed a bit of an explanation from his Charge. He wasn’t sure how he should interpret the blonde’s complete lack of privacy, and could only think of the Charge’s homophobic hypocrisy surrounding the predicament. Knocking on the bathroom door leading into the blonde’s room, the Carrier crossed his arms over his chest and waited.

“Yeah?” Cloud called from the other side.

“Got a minute?” the brunette asked.

“Hang on,” the other responded. The door opened a moment later. Cloud had his brows furrowed together as he looked down at his pants. They were very similar to the ones Leon was wearing; the ones provided for them by the Shumi people. “These pants are huge,” the blonde said, lifting his leg. Excess fabric fell over his foot and dragged on the floor.

“They’ll fix them for you. It’s not like they could predict your size,” Leon said.

“I suppose. I just feel like they expected me to be a giant and reach the ceiling or something,” the blonde said, stepping away from the door. He sat on his bed. “What did you want?”

“Mind telling me what’s with you barging into the bathroom a minute ago?”

“I had to piss? I don’t really know why that’s a surprise,” the blonde said, looking at Leon strangely.

“Could you not have waited until I was done brushing my teeth?”

“You were brushing your teeth?” Cloud asked. Now it was the Carrier’s turn to scowl and furrow his brows together.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t notice.”

“You didn’t notice a fully grown person taking up a fifth of the space?”

“No. I really didn’t.”

“Are you blind in one eye or something?” Leon asked, sounding perturbed.

“No.”

“Then how could you possibly not notice me?”

“I spent months having to use a bathroom with a dozen other guys that was basically a giant open space.  I’ve made a habit of not really looking for anyone when I wake up, I guess.”

“Well, fix that because, while I like knowing your kidneys and bladder function fine, I really don’t need to be present for it all.”

“Yeah, fine. If you hadn’t said anything, I wouldn’t have noticed. I’m surprised it bothers you.”

“Why?” Leon asked, sounding annoyed. He felt like he already knew the answer.

“Let me rephrase: I’m surprised the possibility of seeing a dick bothers you.”

Leon took a deep breath as he attempted to let the comment slide. “You know, you’re really predictable. I _knew_ you were going to say something like that.”

“Then why did you ask like you had no idea?” Cloud asked with a shrug.

“Because I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, and thought that you’d surprise me and actually say something else aside from your obsession with homosexuality. I know I shouldn’t be but I’m disappointed.”

“Seems to be a common theme lately: disappointment. Sorry for being surprised, but it’s the truth,” Cloud said flatly, watching the floor in front of him.

“Contrary to what you might think, I don’t care about your penis. I really _really_ don’t. My problem was that I had to listen to you piss for thirty seconds. If this is really something I should be into, I expect you to reciprocate. Next time I have to piss, I’ll call you so you can listen too. It’ll be a party,” Leon said angrily.

“No thanks.”

“Then you understand my feelings.”

“Yeah, I do. Are you done?” Cloud asked, looking over his shoulder at the brunette. The Carrier expected his Charge to look just as angry as he did, but the blonde presented him with a stone-faced and unfeeling expression. It wasn’t appropriate for the discussion they were having and seemed strange that Cloud wouldn’t be showing any sort of emotion considering the words he had said already. Something didn’t feel right.

“No. I’m not,” Leon said. He stepped into the room and pulled the chair out from under the blonde’s desk. He sat and watched Cloud carefully. His Charge didn’t look at him and averted his eyes to the floor again.

“What else did I do?” he asked.

“Nothing. What’s wrong?” the brunette asked curtly. Cloud glanced at him, his eyes turning sharp and angry.

“Why didn’t you just put me on the bird yesterday?” he asked. Leon raised a brow. He hadn’t expected the topic to change.

“Because you had gotten off him and I thought you didn’t want ride him anymore? I have no idea. I’m just used to having to carry you around.”

“But if I annoyed you that much you could’ve just put me on the bird instead of tossing me on the ground. Do you really think I enjoy having to be carried? Do you really think I enjoy realizing that I didn’t even notice someone else was in the bathroom with me? Do you think its fun for me? Do you think I don’t understand how strange I am? Because I do. You don’t have to go out of your way to remind me every chance you get,” Cloud said, his tone getting angrier with each word despite his face remaining calm and void of emotion. His eyes spoke for him enough; they were burning with spite as he glared a hole through each of Leon’s eye sockets.

The brunette was beside himself with realization. It had never occurred to him that Cloud would get upset over the weird bathroom scenario. He didn’t think the blonde had a reason to be, and now that he was aware of it, he felt awful for making the whole situation about himself. It seemed like such a simple thing, but apparently the underlying problem dug a lot deeper than he had anticipated. He also felt bad for not apologizing for the day before like Reno told him to.

“Cloud—“ he attempted, his expression and voice softening. The blonde held up a hand, quieting him.

“No, I get it. You’ve gotten what you wanted out of me, so now it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean—“

“Now I get why you double checked to make sure I was okay with coming here. You said it was the point of no return, right? So I’m basically trapped here, and now that you have me where you want me, I’ve gone from someone you had so much faith in and needed in order to do whatever it is you do, to someone who is useless and disappointing. All that bullshit you fed me about having potential but not the resources to reach it was a complete crock, right? Well good job. You’re _amazing_ at fooling idiots.”

“What?” Leon asked, his voice barely over a whisper. Blindsided, he couldn’t put the blonde’s logic together quickly enough before Cloud kept talking.

“Why are you so surprised? I thought I was predictable. You just said so hardly a minute ago.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I can’t imagine how else I should interpret it. Maybe I’m just too stupid.”

“You’re not stupid.”

“Sure I am! I followed you here! I’m a fucking idiot for thinking some weird alien stalker guy that changes colors like a lizard can come from _nowhere_ and fix my broken fucked up life. In what universe does that shit make sense?”

“Whoa whoa whoa _whoa_. Stop. Just… stop for a second,” Leon said, sitting up straighter in his seat and looking Cloud in his furious eyes. “Back up for just a bit, okay? First off, I was going to apologize for yesterday but the bathroom thing distracted me. You’ve been awake for a half hour. I didn’t think barging in here and waking you up before you were ready to was the best way to go about it. But I was angry and extremely tired yesterday and I overacted, alright? I’m sorry. You’re not useless, and I shouldn’t have dropped you.

“Secondly, you’re predictable because at _every_ turn you beat me over the head with the fact that I had a relationship with another man. I get it, Cloud. You don’t like it. I don’t expect you to, nor do I care if you accept it. You keep bringing it up like it’s some sort of awful sin when I don’t feel it is. I don’t understand why you think so, or why you feel it is your responsibility to pass judgment on me, but I’m tired of it. That is why I’m disappointed. Because I know if I do _anything_ that you dislike, no matter how small of a thing it is, you’ll somehow bring up my relationship again. You never break the cycle. Get over it. Stop obsessing.

“Lastly, you are free to leave whenever you please. I say this is the point of no return because if you leave now, I have no intention on helping you get back to Trabia. You’ll die from the cold before you’re a quarter of the way there. Trust me. If you really feel trapped, I can’t really change that. I gave you a choice every step of the way, but here you are. Not once did I ever force you to follow me. You aren’t stupid; I know you know this. So if you want to feel like an idiot, then go ahead, but don’t blame me for ‘trapping’ you here because I did nothing of the sort.

“And regardless of what you think now, I really do have every intention of helping you reach as high as you want to go. There isn’t anything you can’t do, Cloud, and I mean that truly. But you won’t have much luck achieving anything if you throw away opportunities, which is what I’m trying to give you. I’ve said it a million times now, and it hasn’t changed. Once you cross over with me, you’ll understand. I promise,” Leon explained sincerely. He sat back again and sighed a bit. “Okay?”

Cloud was quiet for a moment, the anger slowly dissipating from his eyes and posture. “I don’t trust you.”

“But you’ll follow me?”

“I don’t really have much of a choice now, do I?”

“Not really, but you can only blame yourself for that one,” Leon said with a shrug.

“Yeah. I know,” the blonde agreed, sounding displeased. They shared a somewhat awkward silence as the conversation sank in on them both. Cloud couldn’t see himself being able to let go of Leon’s homosexuality as easily as the Carrier would’ve wanted him to. There was an underlying paranoia he felt whenever the Carrier was close to him; as if the godly hammer of the government would come down and smash him for even associating with the brunette. The idea of any of Leon’s tendencies possibly rubbing off on him terrified and disgusted him beyond reason. However, he couldn’t deny the no-win situation he had put himself into and ended up making a conscious decision to try and not bring the subject up anymore. Maybe if he didn’t dwell on it, he’d forget about it and they could continue on peacefully.

“Anyway,” Leon muttered as his patience waned and the silence grew heavier. “Breakfast is upstairs. Did you want help getting up there?”

“I’d like to try by myself, first,” Cloud said flatly.

Leon nodded as he stood and headed for the door. “Sure,” he agreed. 


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

“Please?” Reno asked, peeking around Leon’s shoulder as the feline Carrier sliced through the belly of a rather large fish. It had taken him most of the day to catch one of much substance, and once he had, he was already prepared to eat it. However, he had Cloud to feed. If his Charge hadn’t been there, the fish would’ve been halfway down the Carrier’s throat by that point. The added delay to his next meal made him somewhat cranky, and Reno was pushing every wrong button imaginable.

“No,” Leon said sternly, giving the redhead an acidic glare. “You don’t seem to understand just how awful you’re being right now. I can’t believe you’re asking me this.”

“But you don’t _understand_. He’s out there like some…” Reno stuttered with glittering eyes, holding his hands up as if he struggling to hold something. The tips of his fingers twitched with his anxiousness. “Like some misplaced glistening African god breaching out of the goddamn ocean. You. Don’t. Get it,” he insisted, grabbing the brunette’s bicep. Leon’s eyes widened and he raised his eyebrows so high they nearly shot off his forehead.

“African god? Really? Again, you don’t seem to understand. _I’m_ the African god around here.”

“I’m talking about the people, you fuckhead! Not the animals. Don’t argue semantics with me,” Reno said, punching Leon in the shoulder. The brunette laughed a little under his breath. “Don’t laugh at me! I’m seriously upset here.”

“I can see that. I’m still not fucking you,” Leon said quickly, pointing the tip of his knife in the redhead’s face. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Ugh! Some friend you are,” Reno spat, throwing his hands up in the air. He stomped away to the opposite side of the tiny fishing shack and huddled in the corner, gently thumping his forehead against the wall.

“Stop it. They’re going to hear you out there and then you’ll really embarrass yourself.”

“You don’t understand.”

“I understand perfectly.”

“It’d be twenty minutes.”

“No.”

“Just a pity fuck? C’mon. We can keep the lights off.”

“I can see in the dark.”

“I forgot,” Reno muttered with a deep sigh. He rested his cheek against the rough wood and peered at Leon from over his shoulder. The brunette had his back to him. “Do you think Zach is bi-curious?”

“Wow. _Wow_. Holy shit,” Leon snorted. He dropped the knife on the table and turned around, giving his friend a look of absolute shock. “I cannot believe how desperate you are. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Two years of spending too much time with myself is what’s wrong with me,” Reno whined. He stuck out his lower lip and stomped his foot lightly against the dirt floor. “Please!”

“No. What the fuck is the big deal? So he’s swimming. In fact, he’s doing me a huge favor by getting Cloud out in the water with him. Calm down.”

“You don’t _understand_ ,” Reno huffed. He turned in place and slowly slid down against the wall until he was almost sitting on the floor. He remained perched on the balls of his feet. “He’s _wet_ , and mostly _naked_ , and his _shorts are too goddamn small_ …” the redhead said, holding his face in his hands. “You know, I told him they were too small. Not by much, but just enough. He’s doing this on purpose. He’s testing me.”

Leon went to say something and opened his mouth briefly but closed it again as a thought came to him. He let out a hum. “You know, you might actually have a point there. I did think it was sort of weird that he volunteered to teach Cloud to swim.”

“See?! This is why you need to help me.”

“You just made it very clear you’re well practiced in helping yourself. It’s not happening, Reno.”

“You’re going to make me cry.”

Leon rolled his eyes. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“I’ll get you some tissues. They can sop up all of your fluids.”

“You’re so mean to me,” Reno huffed.

“You’re pathetic.”

“I’m pathetic? Get out there and see for yourself,” the redhead said, giving his friend a glare. Leon scowled back at him for a long quiet moment before he let out a sigh and decided to humor Reno just this one time.

Stepping out of the fishing shack, the brunette rounded the corner and leaned against the side with his arms crossed over his chest. He was fed up with Reno’s annoying demands and was convinced that there was nothing to the redhead’s argument. A short distance away was the delta and its accompanying dock for fishing. It was one of the bigger bodies of water in the area and was a good place for swimming since the dock was low and close to the surface of the pond. Cloud was perched on the end, having been in the water shortly before; his hair was flattened and sticking to neck and face. The blonde was talking to Rude, who was making his way back to him.

With one swift movement, Rude planted his hands on the end of the dock and hauled himself out of the water. Leon could immediately see what Reno was saying. Rude was built very similarly to Zell, in that he had a fair amount of bulk to him with an almost absurd amount of definition. The way the water dripped over every muscular curve gave the very literal impression of a ‘misplaced glistening African god breaching out of the goddamn ocean’ despite the fact that Rude wasn’t African and the ‘ocean’ was actually an underground pond. The brunette could feel his face turn a bit pink involuntarily and he pressed his mouth into a thin line before heading back into the fishing shack. He closed the door behind himself and leaned back against it, staring straight ahead. He cleared his throat.

“Okay, I see what you mean,” Leon admitted with a bit of a mumble.

“See! I told you!” Reno said, looking up at his friend from his place on the floor. Taking in the rosy change in the brunette’s pallor, his expression soured and he gave Leon a bit of a suspicious glare. “Hey now, don’t get too infatuated with him. He’s mine,” the redhead said.

“I’m not. He…” the brunette trailed as he tried to pull his thoughts together. “He reminded me of Zell.”

“Oh,” Reno deadpanned, frowning a bit. “Didn’t think about that. Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I didn’t think about it either until it was too late. Don’t worry about; it’s my problem. I’ll get over it,” Leon said quickly, brushing the topic aside enough to save himself the mental anguish. He cleared his throat again and stepped back to his fish. “So Rude swimming is an attractive thing to see. I get it. I don’t understand why that means he’s supposedly testing you. Testing you for what?”

“Well…” Reno trailed, looking a bit sheepish. “We talked earlier. I guess he overheard you and me talking this morning, so we took a walk and the conversation nearly killed me. I seriously thought he was going to tell me to let him leave so he could go back home. But he didn’t.”

“Small victories.”

“Right? I was really happy about that. But… then he got really honest and it hurt a bit. He more or less said that he doesn’t love me, and is having a really hard time trying to make himself feel something more than what we already have. But, he said, that he didn’t think the idea was disgusting and that he’d let it happen if something came up in the future. I made him promise me that if things stagnated for too long that he’d go out and try to find someone else, which he was okay with. I feel better knowing that he isn’t opposed to it but isn’t going to make a special effort to force something that isn’t there. I just have to… not fuck it up.”

“How would you go about fucking it up?” Leon asked, even though he felt he should know the answer. Reno let out a dry laugh.

“By being myself?” the redhead said, as if it was the most obvious answer.

“If he doesn’t like you, how did you two become friends in the first place? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“No, I mean…” Reno trailed, furrowing his brows together. Standing, he moved to the opposite corner and leaned back in it, watching Leon work with a tiny embarrassed frown. “Okay, so, when we first started hanging around each other, we would go out with Tseng and Elena and go to clubs and stuff. Rude was never much of a club sort of guy so he didn’t get into it so much, but I would use the time to find someone cute and… yeah, take them home. I wasn’t really bashful about it, either,” the redhead said, muttering the end of his sentence in the hopes that Leon wouldn’t hear. Cheeks pink, he kept his eyes on the fish. The brunette cast a sidelong glance at his friend, a sigh escaping him.

“So what you’re telling me is that you would swoop down on someone cute and inebriated and sleaze your way into their pants,” Leon concluded with a huff. Reno shifted his weight from one foot to the other nervously. He shrugged.

“Kind of,” he said quietly. He stole a quick look up at Leon’s face and found the brunette’s icy eyes giving him a judging look. It was clear his friend wasn’t amused, which was the only reason Reno felt nervous about admitting his promiscuous past. Had he been talking to anyone else (except for Rude), he wouldn’t have the tiny raincloud of shame sitting on his shoulder. Leon’s opinion was one of the few that Reno respected.

“Okay, fine,” the brunette said with a tiny shake of his head. It was clear to him that Reno wasn’t proud of himself, so he didn’t feel the need to push the subject. “So you skanked around for a while. Why does that matter?” he asked. Having successfully separated the fish’s meaty fillets from its sides, Leon went about the tedious task of taking a pair of tweezers to the flesh and pulling out all of the fish’s ribs.

“I didn’t really care about it until Rude said something. It was a while after we started living together. He asked me, he said, ‘Reno, do you really _have_ to drag a bunch of people home with you every night?’ He said it like he was really disappointed and sort of upset, so, in my infinite optimism and wisdom I thought that he was upset because he was jealous, or because he was trying to get my attention.”

“Knowing the outcome of this, I can assume your optimism wasn’t accurate, yes?”

“Yeah, turns out he was just annoyed by the noise and how it kept him awake. That, and he found it sort of gross. He was always a sort of a stick-to-one-person-until-I-die sort of guy; didn’t really see the fun in having someone different all the time.”

“I have to say that I don’t see it either.”

“Didn’t think you would,” Reno said, folding his arms over his chest. “So I stopped. I started to hang around him more and we went out to quieter bars instead of clubs and I focused my attention on getting closer to him. I promised him I’d calm down, and I did. He was happier for it so I don’t really regret it, but the point is that he’s completely aware of how I used to be and is testing me now to see if I’ll go back to it. I think. I have no other explanation for him doing the crap he’s doing right now.”

“What crap? Teaching Cloud to swim?”

“He hates swimming. He also doesn’t like Cloud very much,” Reno said with a shrug.

“No one likes Cloud very much. Cloud doesn’t even like Cloud very much,” Leon said flatly.

“Aw, really? That’s sort of sad.”

“It’s the truth. However Cloud doesn’t like Cloud because of the things Past Cloud has done. Everyone else tends to not like him just because he’s an ignorant shit.”

“Tell me how you _really_ feel,” the redhead said with a bit of a laugh.

“It’s the truth,” Leon said. He picked up the bucket of water he had used to bring his fish into the shack and rinsed his hands clean. Afterward, he used the knife’s dull side to scrape all the innards and bones off the table’s surface into the bucket so he could dispose of them later. “Anyway, so Rude might be testing you. If you fail said test, what will that tell him?”

“I have no idea. Maybe he wants to see if the things I’ve said are true and he won’t just be another random person I wrangled into bed. Then again, he might not be testing me at all and I’m just thinking with my penis. Again. Wouldn’t be the first time,” Reno said, pursing his lips as he thought. He tapped his chin with a fingertip. “Regardless, I’ve never put the moves on him like I would some cutie in a bar. I respect him too much for that.”

“Glad to hear it.”

“But he might be testing me to see if I would. Maybe that’s what he wants,” Reno continued, his train of thought getting away with him.

“I doubt it. If he doesn’t see you like that, why would he invite you to make an ass of yourself and try to get in his pants? That’s just cruel. It’s a bait and switch,” Leon concluded.

“Fair point. But this is even more of a reason for you to help me out, yeah? You’re unhappily single and I’m unhappily being mentally tortured by a beautiful ebony godsend. We could both do each other a favor here,” Reno said, giving his friend a wide hopeful grin.

“Does Rude know about all the fanciful things you like to call him? I can’t imagine he’d be okay with it. It’s sort of weird, Reno,” the brunette said. He picked up his meal and his bucket and gently kicked the shack’s door open so he could leave.

“Are you really going to leave me hanging here?” the redhead said, sounding insulted as his friend bypassed him and stepped outside.

“I’m not forcing you to stay here. But yes, I am leaving.” Leon started off without the redhead, walking towards the inn at a steady pace. Reno sulked in the fishing shack for a moment before running to catch up with him. Leon glanced at him and his droopy expression before letting out a sigh. “You’re really serious about it, aren’t you? I was debating on whether or not you were just trying to annoy me because you enjoy it, or if you really wanted something from me.”

“Ever since this morning, I’ve had a really bad case of Bipolar Boner Disorder and my balls are having none of it. They hurt, and it’s driving me _insane_. So yes, if you’re willing to help me out, I’d love you forever because I don’t have to feel nearly as pathetic as I have been lately.”

“Begging for sex doesn’t make you feel pathetic?”

“Not as much as jerking it myself and feeling like I want to cry.”

“I see,” Leon said.

“So, you’re really not going to help me?” Reno asked.

“No, I’m really not. Sorry. We’ve been over why this doesn’t work for me.”

“Yeah I know. It was a long shot. Figured I’d try though,” the redhead said.

“You get an A for effort.”

“I expect stickers as a reward, you know,” Reno said. Leon smiled a bit.

“If I find any, I’ll let you know.”

Once they made it back to the inn, Leon set the bucket outside the door and headed inside. Reno bid his goodbyes and they parted ways as the redhead trudged towards his bedroom down the main hall. Leon took his food upstairs so he could properly wash the fillets and put them in the refrigerator. Zack was up and moving around finally after spending the majority of the day in his bedroom with Tifa. The brunette had barely any time to notice him before his eyes landed on a man he had never seen before and could only assume was Reno’s father.

Leon hadn’t known what to expect but the man had a sort of otherworldly appearance to him that the Carrier couldn’t quite understand. It was unsettling, and he felt like he wanted to move away from the stranger as soon as he could. But he couldn’t. Not only had he gone upstairs for a reason, on the other end of the feeling of escape he felt like he wanted to stay. It confused him immensely, and he watched the man carefully as he went to the kitchen. The Charge didn’t pay him much attention; he was busy with Idania’s hair.

The man stood behind his Carrier as she sat in one of the dining chairs. He was much taller than she was, almost as tall as Rude, but was just as pale as the woman in front of him. Despite being told how sick the man was, Leon wasn’t convinced he was as far gone as Reno had said he was. He was pale, but it wasn’t a sickly sort of pale; he was just very fair skinned. In contrast, his hair was dark, thick, and healthy, and fell to his waist like a sheet of pearlescent black silk. The only thing Leon could see as an outright symptom of the man’s illness was his weight. The robe he wore, which was similar to the one Idania had on, tied tight  around his middle a little too much for someone of his stature. His facial features were very angular and masculine, but Leon couldn’t tell if that was the way he normally was or if his weight loss had affected his face as well. Regardless, the man was extremely handsome in an impossible sort of way. It was almost irritating.

The man’s attention was focused on Idania as his skilled fingers combed through her hair and wove eight strands together in a complex braid Leon couldn’t even begin to understand. The Charge had somehow managed to curl the braid around his Carrier’s head loosely and was meticulously working on making it twist up and in on itself like a snail’s shell. Leon felt like he was witnessing human basket weaving in some fashion, and he stared at the pair, absolutely fascinated.

“Hey Leon,” Zack greeted from his place on the couch. The brunette quickly flicked his attention to the other Charge with a raised brow.

“Uh, hey,” Leon said blandly, his eyes returning to Idania’s hair.

“Don’t sound so excited to see me, you might make me misty-eyed,” the Charge said with a bit of a scoff. Leon blinked a few times and looked at him again before forcing his attention to the kitchen. He headed for the sink so he could finish what he needed to do.

“Sorry. It’s been sort of a weird day. Hi. Good morning. Haven’t seen you all day,” the feline Carrier said quickly. He kept Idania and her Charge in his peripheral view as he rinsed the fillets in the sink.

“I did Tifa’s weekly checkups this morning; didn’t want her out walking around in her Primal and scaring the pants off Cloud and Rude so we stayed in our room. She’s taking a nap at the moment,” Zack said. He caught on to Leon’s suspicious looks he was giving the other pair. “Have you met Idania and Marcus yet?”

“Idania, yes. Not Marcus yet, no. I’ll say hello properly once my hands aren’t fishy,” Leon said.

“Ah, okay. Have you spoken to Reno yet today?”

“Oh yes. A lot. Most of the conversation I wish hadn’t happened, but what can I do? He has a big mouth,” the brunette muttered. He set his fish down on a nearby plate and took it to the refrigerator. Once it was stowed away, he went to sit with Zack on the couch. The Charge was tapping away at his tablet. The device seemed out of place, and it reminded Leon how much he would have to show Cloud in order to get him up to speed. Zack seemed so casual about the work he was doing, and trying to imagine his own Charge doing the same seemed like such an alien concept.

“He does. I like him, though. Seems like a pretty okay guy. Don’t know him very well just yet but from what he’s shown me over the last few weeks, he’s alright in my book.”

“He is a good person, just very… expressive? I guess? Shameless is another word that comes to mind.”

“Eh, shamelessness isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I don’t get the impression he’s done anything that he needs to be ashamed of, so it only make sense.”

“Well, okay, let me ask you something, then.”

“Sure.”

“If you were having a hard time getting laid, and you were the sort of person that thrived on sex, would you feel ashamed if you eventually got desperate enough to ask a friend for a pity fuck?” Leon asked, casting a sidelong glance at Zack. The other man raised his brows, the question having come as somewhat of a surprise. He set the tablet on his lap and looked at his distant friend questioningly.

“Uh, well, that depends. Would I be under the impression that my friend would agree to it readily? Or is it unexpected and a shot in the dark?”

“The friend has outright told you in the past that they weren’t okay with it.”

“And I asked anyway?”

“Yes.”

“That’s… sort of not smart,” Zack said. He scrunched his brows together with a bit of a scowl. “I get the feeling this isn’t hypothetical. Did he seriously ask you for a pity fuck?”

“Yes,” Leon said, folding his arms over his chest.

“What about Rude? Are they not… together?”

“No. Reno wishes they were, but Rude isn’t gay. There’s been some words shared on their end, apparently, but the fact remains that there’s nothing there right now.”

“Oh,” Zack deadpanned. He frowned a bit and looked down at his tablet, lost in thought for a moment. “That’s sort of sad. They seemed really close.”

“They are, just not in the way Reno wants them to be.”

“That’s almost worse than having nothing at all, honestly. To me, anyway. It’d be like having a bottle of water dangled in front of you constantly after you’ve stayed in the desert for a week without it.”

“Yeah. I feel for him, I really do, but the topic has been brought up in the past and I’ve told him I wasn’t alright with it and he asked anyway.”

“Not into men, either?”

“No, that’s far from the problem. I just don’t like the idea of having sex with another Carrier. It’s… a little too close to bestiality to me.”

“Wow,” Zack said, giving the brunette wide eyes. “I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a little offensive. Tifa isn’t an animal. Neither are you, or Reno, or Idania.”

“I know. I know,” Leon said, shaking his head a little. “I understand it’s stupid of me to feel that way but it just doesn’t feel right. I don’t even know why I feel like that; I just do.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll just keep that between you and me. Tifa would rip your head off your shoulders if she heard that, you know.”

“I wouldn’t blame her. Regardless, the fact is that Reno and I have been over this and he still asked.”

“Poor guy must be pretty desperate.”

“Too desperate. I feel bad for refusing him but not enough to oblige him.”

“Understandable,” Zack agreed, picking up his tablet again. He resumed poking away at the screen. “If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll bring it up to Tifa and see if she wants to help him.”

Shocked, Leon sat up a bit straighter and balked at the man. “Whoa, wait, _what_?”

Zack stared back at the brunette with wide eyes as if he expected the Carrier to reach out and slap him. He leaned away from the other cautiously and pursed his lips a bit. “I said I’ll bring it up to Tifa and see if she wants to help him?”

“You’re just going to let him have Tifa?” Leon sputtered in disbelief. Suddenly, he found himself questioning whether or not he was the weird one in this situation. Was it normal to be so open about sex? Was it standard to have multiple partners at once or have flings with random people? Zack had said he didn’t know Reno very well, and Leon couldn’t understand the logic the Charge had by handing over Tifa to someone he barely knew. Clearly, there was something he was missing. Between Cloud’s overabundant sexual activity whist in the military, Reno’s past lifestyle choices, and now suddenly Zack’s blatant disregard for the sanctity of his and Tifa’s relationship, Leon felt like was practically a nun for having one person at a time and valuing them for anything more than what they could give him in the bedroom.

“Hell no. I’d be there with them,” Zack said, shaking his head some.

“That doesn’t exactly make it better,” Leon said. Zack shrugged.

“I wasn’t aware there was something wrong in the first place. Does it really bother you that much?”

“Yes! If I had the sort of relationship you two have I’d never consider inviting anyone else in. I don’t even understand why that would ever be a good idea,” Leon said, scrunching his brows together. Zack’s demeanor shifted a bit to one of smug sarcasm. He raised a brow at the brunette and crossed his arms over his chest with a tiny scowl.

“Good thing you’re not in my relationship, then. Had I realized you’d be so offended by what I do behind closed doors I wouldn’t have said anything and saved you the heartache. Call me when you need someone to police your relationship, okay? I’d be happy to offer the same service,” Zack said, his tone turning angry. The pang of guilt struck Leon immediately and he frowned. But instead of admitting defeat, he looked to Idania with pleading eyes.

“Idania, help me out here. Is this not strange to you?” he asked, hoping the woman with an almost infinite amount of life experience compared to him could understand where he was coming from. The woman had been listening to them quietly but finally looked to Leon with a raise brow. She glanced to the side where Marcus’ tablet had been sitting on the dining table and motioned for him to hand it to her so she didn’t have to move and ruin the work he had done on her hair. Once she had it, she quickly typed away with the stylus for a moment. With a quick flick of the pen, the message was wirelessly sent to Zack’s tablet for him to open. Tifa’s Charge did so and read it before turning it so Leon could see.

_“Two thousand years is a very long time to be with someone. Sometimes you have to come up with unorthodox methods to keep the spark alive. Experimenting and openness is not strange despite what you may think; a lot of people do it. It’s best not to limit yourself before you have new experiences. To do that, you’re setting yourself up for a life of hum-drum-boredom._

_“Also, you’d best change your views on what Carrier’s really are before you upset someone with a more volatile personality. If he was healthier and could hear you, I’m sure Marcus would’ve punched you in the throat for equating Carrier intimacy to bestiality. I’ll just keep that one to myself,_ ” she wrote. Leon was beside himself and stared at the words blankly for a moment before looking to Idania. She was watching him closely with a stony expression. It was clear she wasn’t pleased. He glanced at Zack who wore a similar face. Sighing, he set the tablet down.

“Sorry,” he said, unable to look at either of them. A long and somewhat awkward silence passed afterward.

“It’s fine,” Zack said with a tiny sigh. He waved a dismissive hand. “What exactly do you have against sharing, though? Just curious.”

“I… don’t really know. I mean, you’ve been with Tifa for thirty years or something, haven’t you?”

“Close to forty now, yeah.”

“Well, to me, that is sort of a foreign concept. Regardless if it’s forty years, or two thousand years, or just a few months, I don’t feel like that sort of thing will ever happen for me. If it ever does, though, I don’t see myself ever thinking of trying to change it even if it makes things less boring. I’d cherish it too much,” Leon said with a tiny shrug.

“The part I think you’re missing is what it takes to have a surviving and awesome relationship even after you experiment around with other people. It takes a lot of trust to bring new people in and still feel like the person you’re with is yours after they leave. Believe it or not, trust is pretty sexy,” Zack said. Leon furrowed his brows together in thought for a moment as he tried to absorb what he was being taught. Despite how nice the words sounded, he still had his doubts. He couldn’t get past the idea of sharing someone who was supposedly his. Regardless, he could respect what Zack was saying and not dwell on what the details were. He decided to cross his own bridge when he came to it. If he ever came to it.

“I suppose,” Leon said.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Marcus had finished Idania’s braid and the couple was sharing a brief conversation with their hands. The woman motioned over to Leon and her Charge followed her hand and met the brunette’s eyes. Marcus looked like he had only just now noticed the other Carrier and raised his brows in mild surprise. He quietly stepped around and went to go shake Leon’s hand in greeting. The Carrier reciprocated, but he was entranced by the man’s eyes; and not in a good way. The irises were a bright sea foamy green. They reminded Leon of Sephiroth’s eyes and there was a trickle of fear dripping down his spine because of it. Marcus gave the brunette a strange look as Leon stared at him, unmoving. The man took a step back from him and looked to Zack questioningly. The Charge shrugged and reached over to nudge Leon on the shoulder to get the Carrier to stop staring. Leon blinked a few times and looked away, which prompted Marcus to give him an awkward half-smile before going back to Idania. The woman watched Leon suspiciously.

“You alright?” Zack asked, nudging Leon again. The brunette nodded deftly.

“Yeah. Sorry,” Leon said. He looked to Idania. “Apologize to him for me. I just remembered something and sort of zoned out,” he added. The woman nodded and did as he requested.

Before the situation could get more awkward, Leon decided it was best to leave. He bid his goodbyes quickly and left the common area and headed downstairs. The shame and embarrassment hung over him like a dark cloud, making his shoulders feel heavy. He hadn’t thought of Sephiroth in a long while, but being reminded of him so suddenly made a flood of memories crash into him like a train hitting the side of a mountain. He could still remember feeling the man’s bones snap backwards in his hands, and the helplessness he felt when he thought Cloud had been killed. The close call he had in his prison cell, the threat of being raped again, lingered in the background of his subconscious too but taking a life when he felt he wasn’t worthy of doing so held most of his attention. He let out a shivering sigh as he tried to get his nerves to calm down.

“Hey,” a voice called behind him. Turning, Leon spied Rude coming through the inn’s front doors. The man was mostly dressed again and was carrying Cloud in his arms bridal style. The blonde looked unconscious. The brunette raised a brow and hurried over to him.

“What happened?” he asked worriedly. Rude held out his arms and Leon quickly scooped his Charge up and held him. Cloud let out a grunt but didn’t move much.

“He said he needed a break so I let him sit on the bank for a bit, swam a couple laps, and when I came back he was out like a light. He’s really good at sleeping,” Rude said. Leon scowled and looked down at Cloud. Nothing seemed amiss other than his lack of response.

“I thought I said not to work him too hard,” the brunette said crankily, recalling the brief exchange he and Rude had shared that morning when the bald Charge proposed teaching the blonde to swim.

“He learned how to tread water today. We didn’t even get to the actual swimming part before he crashed.”

“Oh. Well… okay, I guess. Apparently he’s more delicate than I thought he was.”

“I guess,” Rude said with a shrug. “He didn’t complain about being tired the entire time, though. Had he said anything about taking it easier than we already were, I would’ve had him sit out more.”

“Yeah, he’s bad at letting people know when he’s having issues.”

“I think every Midgar soldier is like that, honestly. Expressing pain or fatigue is a weakness. Every single one I’ve met is the same.”

“He wasn’t very good at it even before he joined the military.”

“Ah, well, he was probably an ideal soldier to them, then.”

“Unfortunately,” Leon said. He shifted Cloud around in his arms a bit before turning to head down the hallway towards the blonde’s bedroom. He motioned for Rude to follow him. “I have a question, though.”

“Sure,” Rude agreed, falling in step with him.

“Why did you feel the need to teach Cloud how to swim? Reno said you hate swimming.”

“I do, but it’s sort of an important skill. I’ve been trained to be prepared for anything, and after the helicopter went down after Winhill, I realized that flying and swimming scare the shit out of me now. They didn’t before that. I don’t know what to expect once we go… wherever we’re going, so I figured I’d at least try to get over my fears since we apparently have some free time between now and when we leave. Cloud was an easy distraction. I don’t think I could’ve just… jumped in the water and expected to get over it. Figured I’d take it slow and pay attention to him versus the water,” Rude explained.

“I see. I hadn’t even thought you’d have any issues after your incident. Sorry for not realizing it.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for. Truthfully, I didn’t know I had a problem until I got on the boat to go to Trabia.”

“Understandable. Thank you, though. You’re doing me a huge favor by teaching him so I don’t have to.”

“Not a problem. He’s as useful to me as I am to him, so for now at least it’s a mutual benefit. If he becomes a pain in the ass, I’ll dump him off on you, don’t worry.”

“I don’t blame you,” Leon said with a bit of a laugh. They parted ways as Cloud’s bedroom door grew close. Once inside, the brunette carefully laid his Charge on the bed and contemplated things. He debated if he should try to wake the blonde up so he could shower and not smell like a pond anymore, but then he weighed the option against having the blonde awake in general and decided the cons outweighed the pros of the situation. Pulling a spare blanket out of the closet, Leon draped it over his Charge and decided to leave him alone for the time being. Since he couldn’t eat right away, he chose to go to his bedroom and take a nap as well in order to pass the time.

However, after only an hour of light sleep, Leon was literally shaken awake again. It wasn’t a person shaking him, though. The entire room let out a violent shudder that startled him and made him bolt upright. It didn’t last long, maybe a second or two, but it was enough to make his stomach turn to ice. He looked around the room, half expecting some sort of anomaly to pop out and explain what happened, but nothing did. There was a brief moment of silence before he heard something that sounded like it was a fair distance away.

It was a bell.


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63

“What happened?” Leon barked as he stepped out into the hallway. Reno was there as well, having just come from his own bedroom. He was pulling a shirt over his head and looked just as confused as Leon felt. Rude followed suit shortly thereafter, having showered and put on normal clothing again; he didn’t seem any more informed than the other two were.

“I have no idea,” Reno said. The redhead ducked back into his room and reappeared shortly thereafter hopping on one foot as he pulled his shoes on. Just then, Cloud happened to blearily wander out of his room. He blinked at the group tiredly.

“The fuck was that shaking?” he muttered, looking at Leon. The Carrier shrugged.

“Was just about to go see. Get dressed,” the brunette said. Cloud didn’t protest and shuffled back into his room to do what he was told.

“Do you think it’s what the Elder was talking about a few days ago?” Rude piped, looking to Reno. The redhead stopped hopping momentarily as he switched to the other foot and shoe. He pursed his lips in thought.

“It’s possible. I sincerely hope not, though. This place isn’t exactly the best equipped on the planet.”

“Ignoring the fact that we’re hundreds of feet below the surface,” Leon said with another shrug.

“That may not amount to much. I don’t like the sound of that bell. It sounds like an alarm,” Reno added, standing upright again.

“I didn’t even know there was a bell here,” the brunette said.

“Neither did I.”

At the other end of the hallway, Marcus and Idania came down the stairs. Marcus seemed like a man on a mission as he wasted no time heading for the front door. Idania was hurrying to keep up and get in front of him. She pushed the door closed again as he tried to open it. Putting a hand on his chest to keep him in place, the concern on her face was evident as she gave him an earnest pleading expression. He shook his head and tried to pull the door open again, nudging her aside. Idania scrunched her brows together and let out a huff as he brushed past her and headed outside. She followed him quickly.

“Wonder what that was about,” Reno said.

“I have no idea. Seemed like he was going to do something she didn’t want him to do,” Leon said.

“I can’t think of what that would be,” the redhead said. Again, Leon shrugged. Cloud trudged out of his room again a moment later, dressed and somewhat presentable. He followed after the others as they all headed outside.

Once out in the open, the ringing became almost deafening as the sound reverberated off the cave walls and amplified. The village was active in a way Leon had never seen before. The Shumi were all rushing to head towards the village center where the evening ceremonies were held. Leon could see Zack and Tifa in the distance hurrying with them. Marcus and Idania didn’t get very far, though, because the man had stirred up a violent coughing fit that kept him from advancing with everyone else. Leon frowned when he heard it; Marcus’ lungs sounded like someone was trying to grind up a piece of wood with a cheese grater. The group slowed as they grew close to the pair but Idania waved them ahead as she stayed behind and doted on her Charge.

“My people. My family,” the Elder began when most everyone was at the village center. It was standing in the middle of the crowd in front of the large black glass dome Leon couldn’t understand. Cloud caught up with everyone shortly thereafter, panting like he had just run five miles. “It seems we have a problem. Esthar or Midgar – it’s hard to say which – have begun an assault on our lands. They mean to invade. Eden has spoken to me and she fears the worst for us.”

 _“Who is that? What is that? What the hell are these things?”_ Cloud whispered at Leon from over the brunette’s shoulder. The Carrier glanced at him and took in the blonde’s wide eyes as they scanned the crowd.

 _“That’s the village Elder. These are the Shumi people. You just sort of have to accept it at face value; I’m not completely sure what they are, either,”_ he explained. Around him, the villagers began murmuring amongst one another with worried tones and faces.

“I will do what I can in order to protect us, and if there are any here that wish to join me, your help is more than welcome. At the very least we need to protect the door that leads our visitors back to their home,” the Elder continued. The plan didn’t sit well with Leon. The village, in terms of armament, was woefully under stocked. As far as he knew, the elevator leading down into the cave was wide open and the oncoming soldiers could just jump down the hole if they cared to.

Out of the corner of his eye, the brunette saw movement. Idania and Marcus had caught up and were towards the far edge of the crowd. The woman was signing to her Charge what the Elder was saying. After a moment, Marcus furrowed his brows together and seemed to let his attention drift. He stared ahead of himself at nothing in particular for a moment before the spark came back to his expression. He seemed to have an idea, and before Idania could finish what she was trying to tell him, he pulled away from the crowd and headed for the elevator. Reno and Rude hurried after them.

Leon didn’t know why exactly, but he felt compelled to follow. Marcus was a huge unknown in the equation that was suddenly bearing down on their situation, and Leon’s curiosity got the better of him quickly. Cloud, by proxy, held the same curiosity when he noticed his Carrier leaving without him. He followed after the brunette as close as he could. No one stopped them as they wove through the people in pursuit. Tifa and Zack did notice them leaving as well and decided to follow, though. Their group barely made it onto the elevator with Idania and Marcus before it started to lift at the man’s instruction. He seemed surprised to see so many people with them when he turned away from the control panel.

“Holy shit,” Cloud wheezed as he tried to suck the air back into his battered lungs. The jog from the village center to the elevator had left him winded and he sat back on one of the benches, holding his chest as he tried to catch his breath.

“This is another one of those times where you should’ve said something if you were struggling,” Leon said, sitting next to the blonde and watching him carefully.

“Would’ve…” his Charge rasped. “Had I had enough breath.”

“This is true. You should’ve stayed behind, then.”

“And miss the fun?” Cloud said shakily.

“Yes. And miss the fun. I don’t even know what we’re doing so I can’t guarantee it’s any fun to begin with. This could be a fruitless effort. We could also die just by being closer to the surface,” Leon explained with a slight monotone. So much was happening so fast he couldn’t quite piece everything together just yet. It was all a blur to him.

“Sounds great. Better than being left behind with the mutant pudding people,” the blonde said, coughing a few times against his raw throat.

“Well that’s sort of rude,” Reno chimed in, giving Cloud a scowl. The Charge shrugged.

“They remind me of banana pudding. Sorry. If it makes you feel better, I like banana pudding.”

“Yeah? Me too,” the redhead agreed.

“Uh…” Tifa drawled, looking somewhat confused. “Not to change the subject or anything, but why are we going up towards the noise? Seems like a poor decision to me.”

“I’m following my family, I have no idea why you crazies decided to come,” Reno said with a shrug.

“I followed my family too?” Leon guessed, giving the redhead a meaningful but bored stare. He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about the whole situation, but at the very least he felt he needed to know for sure if the village really was in danger. The Elder’s words were ringing in his head and he couldn’t decide how much merit he put in believing that Eden supposedly spoke to the giant Shumi, but there was definitely something amiss and that was worth investigating.

“That’s cute. You’re cute,” Reno said, a wide grin spreading across his face. “Keep up that herd mentality and pretty soon you’ll be stuffing yourself on grass and taking massive shits all day; you’ll fit right in.”

“I already do that, just not with grass,” Leon said with a shrug. Reno laughed.

“Yeah, okay. I’ve heard enough, thanks,” Cloud interjected, his face scrunched up in disdain.

“You guys seem awfully calm considering we might be heading for a massive deathtrap,” Zack said, eyeing Leon, Cloud, Reno, and Rude in turn.

“Quite honestly, Zack, after the last few years of bullshit and all the horrible things I’ve had to be a part of and witness, I’d almost be disappointed if there wasn’t a hole blasted in the dome with heavily armed soldiers pouring in,” Leon said blandly. The Charge frowned at him, his concern immediate. He glanced at Tifa who seemed equally as perturbed by the brunette’s words. They were true, though. Leon realized that the situation was grave, and probably not going to end well, but when he thought about facing it he found he didn’t feel much. He looked to Cloud briefly and found that the blonde seemed to feel the same way. His Charge looked just as bored with the situation as he felt.

“I know that feeling,” Reno said. He reached behind himself and pulled up the back of his shirt. Tucked into the hem of his pants was a handgun, and he pulled it out in front of himself to check the magazine. He looked at Rude. “How many bullets do you have? I have six,” he asked.

“Eight,” the man said without moving to check. Reno pursed his lips in thought as he sheathed the weapon back where it came from.

“Think there’s more than fourteen things to shoot at?”

“Probably.”

“Sounds great,” Reno said with a nervous laugh.

The group went quiet for a moment and the attention slowly drifted to Marcus and Idania. The pair was quiet but they were obviously arguing. Both of them wore angry faces as they glared at one another with fast and nearly incomprehensible sign language flying between them. Reno was watching them carefully, attempting to figure out what the context of the words meant, but he had missed half the conversation already and they were moving too fast for him to keep up. Having used his sign reading ability very sparsely over the last few decades made him rusty to begin with, but everything was happening so quickly between his parents he still wouldn’t have been able to figure it out had he been an ace at reading them. Idania and Marcus may as well have made up their own language.

“What’s up?” Zack asked, casting a sidelong glance at Reno. The redhead kept his eyes glued to the angry hands a short distance away.

“I can’t really keep up. Something about dirt and screaming, I think,” he said.

“Screaming dirt? What?”

“I have no idea. I missed half of what they were talking about.”

“Should we be concerned?”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but ‘screaming dirt’ doesn’t sound like a party I’d like to go to,” Reno said with a shrug.

“They’re talking?” Cloud interjected confusedly. It suddenly occurred to Leon that his Charge didn’t know who half the people around them were.

“Yes. Marcus is deaf so he has to see and show his words in order to talk to people,” the brunette explained quickly. “The lady’s name is Idania,” he added as an afterthought.

“I’ll forget who they are by tomorrow. You’ll have to remind me again,” Cloud muttered, trying to mentally file the names away with the hope that he’d retain them. He wasn’t confident though.

“I’ll remind you as many times as you need.”

“Good. Get used to it.”

“Working on it,” Leon said. Cloud nodded a bit, letting out a deep sigh. It was clear that his forgetfulness bothered the blonde, but Leon didn’t know what else he could do for his Charge aside from keeping his patience and repeating himself as often as needed.

An unsettling silence came over the group as they slowly ascended towards the surface. Marcus and Idania eventually stopped arguing; both of them throwing their hands in the air at one another and separating. The woman sat on one side of the lift and her Charge went to the other. It wasn’t long before she went back to him, though. Marcus started coughing again, which prompted Idania to cross to the other side so she could run her hand up and down his back soothingly. Once the fit passed, Marcus glanced at her briefly before looking to Reno. He passed a few signs to the redhead.

“He apologized,” Reno said.

“What for?” Tifa asked.

“For making us listen to his cough and for making us worry and follow him. I’ll ask for an explanation,” the redhead said, sending a few more words back to Marcus. The man looked thoughtful for a moment before he huffed a shallow sigh and sat up straighter. He scanned the small crowd on the lift with him with contemplative eyes before he started to speak with his hands. They were careful and methodical movements that Reno was able to translate and reiterate to everyone else. The redhead made a special effort to speak in sync Marcus’ movements.

“ _It’s been a very long time since I’ve been home, and since I first left with Idania many many many years ago, Eden’s presence has grown weaker and weaker every time I came back. It’s no secret that the planet is dying, but for me it feels different. My people used to coexist with the planet so much so that we could communicate with Eden directly. The Shumi people are the closest culture that resembles my own from long ago. The Elder, specifically, has always seemed very familiar to me; as if we were related in a past life._

 _“This village is the last thing I have that reminds me of home and it is very precious to me. It’s because of the Shumi people that I had the opportunity to cross over with Idania and start a new life after my own people were destroyed. I owe them my life. You all owe them yours as well,”_ Marcus signed, looking at everyone present in turn. His gaze stopped on Zack and Tifa. “ _Especially you, Zack._ ” The other Charge’s eyes moved to the floor. Tifa slid her arm around his waist and hugged him gently.

“ _So, that is the personal part for why I feel like I need to do something even if I can’t get very far. If I die in the process, then it is of no consequence to me; I’m dying anyway. However, there is a very real practical reason to protect the village. I’m sure all of you are aware of the large black sphere in the town center. Well, on the opposite end of the world many many years ago, my people used to have a white one just like it. When tampered with and used incorrectly, they are instruments of great destructive power. They are direct channels to Eden and are sources of exorbitant amounts of energy._

_“No one on this planet is worthy of possessing the black sphere but the Shumi people. Truly selfless, they are the most virtuous because they keep the balance of life in check within their way of life. But, they do not have the strength to defend themselves and the sphere from whoever is attempting to find it. Midgar, as I understand, has the ability to find massive pockets of the Lifestream under the surface of the earth and I’m sure there is a huge one underneath the village because of the sphere. They are the last people I would want finding it._

_“When used correctly, the sphere is harmless and keeps the balance for the people and lets them speak with Eden. When used incorrectly, it could very well destroy everything. My people were more or less wiped off the planet because one of our leaders let the power go to his head. Idania knew it. The Technicians knew it. They saved me before it could happen. But once Centra was gone, I felt Eden’s pain. It’s very difficult for me to explain but it felt like the earth was screaming in agony and shuddering under my feet. It was awful. It hasn’t felt right since then, and I feel the same sort hurt now just not as severe yet. I believe it’s a warning that something needs to be done to protect the village; if the earthquake wasn’t enough of a hint,_ ” Marcus explained with Reno’s help.

The long ride up to the surface suddenly felt much shorter to Leon after hearing the tale. It was a lot to take in, but what the man explained did make some sense if the brunette didn’t think too hard on it and took it at face value. The possibility of Eden being a real and possibly tangible being under the planet’s surface hurt his head when he tried to think about it. There were so many things and lessons he had learned that disproved the existence of spiritual entities, and he tried to push them aside and simply accept what Marcus was saying. It was extremely difficult.

“He says he’s dying - and he sounds like he is with that cough - so what exactly does he think he’s going to do? Sneeze on whoever’s up there?” Cloud blurted, sounding irritated. Leon reached over and smacked the blonde’s bicep. Cloud flinched a little and glowered at him. “What was that for?”

“For being an insensitive and offensive dickhead, that’s what.”

“What? He’s the one spouting bullshit. Balamb is like that too. ‘Oh fuck, I stepped on the grass. It’s crying like I crushed its family,’” the blonde mocked, flippantly waving his Carrier’s piercing glare away. “If you expect me to believe that Midgar waited until _now_ to get up here and squash the pudding people for their energy, then you’re dumber than you look. _If_ that’s them up there, they were probably just passing through and saw the dome sticking out of the snow in the middle of nowhere and decided to blow it to pieces just in case it belonged to Balamb. Do you really think they’re that stupid that they wouldn’t know about the supposedly magic ball that has the power to wipe out entire civilizations?”

“Yes,” Leon said flatly. “I do think they’re that stupid. They have their heads shoved so far up their asses that I’m pretty sure they’d miss a piece of shit floating by because it’s so damn dark. I don’t expect the nation that’s made it their job to destroy everything for their own personal gain to know anything about a sphere that keeps the balance and harmony of life.”

“Who gives a shit if it does keep the balance or whatever? The Lifestream under that thing, if it works like you say it does, is probably massive. There is no way they would’ve ignored it until now. This war has been going on for forever! This should’ve been their first step in their advance.”

“Agreed,” Zack interjected. Everyone looked to him. “They would’ve made this their first stop. But, maybe it was a priority to begin with but they had no way to get here until now. Reno, you said Esthar is in on the war now, yeah?”

“Right,” the redhead said.

“There you go. They have an ally now. While Esthar is blowing Balamb’s capital to dust, the window is probably wide open for Midgar to get up here. But, they had to take the capital first in order to do that. It’s easy to ignore the tinier cities like Dollet and Winhill and let them crumble, but the capital is sort of a monumentally important place. I doubt Balamb is keeping their troops spread out anymore. The majority of them are probably all heading home to fight.”

“Thank you. See? At least _someone_ gets how I think,” Cloud said, looking at Leon with an icy glare.

“Well, I also agree with Leon. I do think you’re an insensitive and offensive dickhead. Marcus has done a lot for our home on the other side and he deserves your respect. Idania as well. She isn’t deaf like he is so she did hear you, and she could easily curb stomp you for your lack of manners,” Zack said with a tiny shrug.

“She could _what_ me?” Cloud asked confusedly, scrunching up his face at the term.

“Curb stomping is where you make someone lay in the street and have them bite the curb. Then you stomp on the back of their head until their skull caves in, their neck breaks, or their jaw breaks and they choke on their teeth,” Reno said with a bit of a smile. He looked to Cloud with an expression the blonde could only describe as maniacal. “I don’t need a curb to do that, though.”

“Hey, fuck you, man,” the blonde spat.

“I’m not into blondes, sorry.”

“Both of you shut up,” Leon seethed, his annoyance obvious in his voice. Once the pair settled, the brunette heaved a heavy sigh as an attempt to relieve the tension in his shoulders. It didn’t work. “So what should we do? We’ll be at the surface soon. We’re not equipped for this.”

“Marcus is the only one with a plan, it seems,” Zack said.

“Probably wasn’t the best idea to follow him,” Tifa sighed, taking a seat finally. Cloud reclined back in his seat as much as he comfortably could without falling off of it so he could watch the woman from behind Leon’s back. He kept a close eye on Zack as well, just in case the other man was to turn around and notice him.

“Well, Rude and I can give them at least a little backup if mom and dad go ahead to meet whoever it is. You guys can hang behind and make sure no one gets to the lift,” Reno offered. Zack shrugged.

“Better than no plan at all, I suppose,” he said.

“I’ll sit and prop something up real good,” Cloud muttered with a tiny cough. Leon shook his head.

“We should just leave you on the lift and send you back down once we get up there,” the brunette said.

“But what if a tiny table falls over because I wasn’t there to hold it up?”

“I’ll write an apology letter to the table’s family.”

“Seriously, though. I’d like to try to do something.”

“Keep the lift warm,” Leon said. Cloud grumbled a bit and let out a sigh.

The rest of the ride to the top was quiet. There was some idle chatter between those present, but it wasn’t very enthralling. The nervousness hung in the air as the last leg of the journey was reached. The ceiling, which was really part of the floor from above, opened and allowed the lift to come to a stop. To everyone’s surprise, things were peaceful. There wasn’t a hole in the dome, there weren’t any soldiers, there wasn’t any chaos, and there was nothing to fight. Marcus wasn’t convinced, though, and he was the first off the lift as he headed for the doors. Unlocking them quickly, he yanked them open, allowing a freezing breeze to shoot into the space from the outside.

Stepping out into the snow, the man didn’t hesitate to walk out into the open and begin scanning the blindingly white landscape for anything amiss. Idania was right on his heels, lifting her lengthy robe as she hurried after him. Once they came to a stop, she took his hand and looked around with him. The rest of the group hung back and milled around by the entrance of the dome. Reno and Rude were the furthest out, looking around for anything that would come after Marcus and Idania.

In the distance, there was a plume of disturbed snow creating a geyser-like effect as it shot into the sky. It was tall and constant, and didn’t look like the remnant cloud of an explosion. Marcus and Idania headed for it followed by Reno and Rude. As they grew closer the happenings became much clearer. A crater had been blasted into the tundra; which was what shook the village presumably. There was an enormous vehicle that was skewed behind the column of snow drift, and with it were some very strange looking machines. Reno and Rude recognized the vehicle and its purpose immediately.

“Mom! That thing has a Mako reactor core in its bed!” the redhead shouted to the pair further ahead, cupping his hands around his mouth. The woman stopped and tugged Marcus’ hand to get his attention. As she explained what Reno had said, the redhead and his Charge jogged to catch up to them.

“ _What are they doing?_ ” the woman asked with her hands as they approached.

“They’re drilling. It looks like my former employer is working on trying to get a Mako reactor up here. The transport is from Midgar, but they usually have tons of soldiers travelling with them to protect it. I don’t know what those other things are. I assume they’re from Esthar,” Reno said, pointing at the strange machines that moved about the site. They were very tall and walked on four tube-like limbs that arched and met in the middle in a birdcage-like shape. Under the intersection was an ornately decorated ball that gently bobbed up and down as it floated in place.

“ _Mako reactors are the things Midgar uses to hurt the earth, yes?”_

“Right. I guess Zack was right about the village being a target. They don’t look like they’re built for combat, though. We might be able to stop them.”

“ _What would prevent Esthar or Midgar from coming up here to see if the work is done? Would this not be a temporary fix?”_

“I don’t know. Nothing would stop them from coming back, I suppose, but who knows how long that will be? It usually takes a while to get a reactor set up, and if they automated the process, the likelihood of anyone coming up here is slim for at least a little bit. I wonder how efficient these things are, though. Usually it’s people working here. Machines don’t have to sleep or eat.”

“ _Then we need to prevent them from coming back somehow.”_

“Yeah. I just have no idea how to do that,” Reno said thoughtfully. He looked at Rude for a moment, pleading with his eyes for an idea. The Charge shrugged. Reno sighed. “I suppose we could shoot at one and see if it comes after us. See if we’re up against something formidable, at least.”

 _“Let me change first. If we need to run, your father won’t be able to keep up. He’s too tall for me to carry normally without fumbling around._ ”

“Uh…” Reno drawled hesitantly. He looked to Rude. “So, there’s something I never really explained to you that’s going to rip your head apart trying to understand it. Um… please don’t be scared.”

“What do you mean?” Rude asked.

“I don’t have time to explain right now but I will once we handle this. What I want you to do is, once I do this, I need you to get on my back and shoot at one of those things. If we need to run, we will, and if we don’t, then we can take them out. Okay?”

“What are you going to do?”

“Get naked and probably scare the shit out of you.”

“Reno… seriously.”

“I am being serious. I really can’t be any more serious,” the redhead said. “Just trust me. Please.”

“I… okay?” Rude said hesitantly, looking worried.

Idania turned to her Charge and began explaining the situation to him. He nodded in agreement to the plan, which prompted the woman to begin untying her robe. With nervous shaking hands, Reno followed suit and pulled his shirt up and over his head. He shivered a bit as the cold met his skin. Handing off his top to a somewhat stupefied Rude, he started undoing his pants. Realizing that Reno really was serious, the bald Charge looked to Marcus for some sort of quiet consolation. That was when he noticed Idania was already nude and walking a short distance away. He immediately looked down at the snow, feeling guilty of looking at someone else’s significant other while in such a state. He awkwardly took Reno’s clothing as it was handed to him, keeping his eyes averted.

Being a much older model of Carrier, Idania’s body functioned much differently than Reno’s did. Where Reno kept his skin for the most part until fur and hair started to push through it, the woman’s fell off her in peeling sheets from the start. She bled onto the snow as her muscle mass began replicating itself over and over again to create the bulk of her Totem appearance. The bones and underlying innards shifted and popped similarly to Reno’s did, but the process overall was much messier and very painful. After living so many years, the woman had grown used to the pain of having her muscles and tissues tear and be exposed to the open air, but she still panted with the effort to keep herself quiet and composed.

At the sound of the pair of Carriers shifting, Rude’s attention snapped back to them. He hadn’t expected to hear limbs breaking and crunching together and it startled him. Idania had become a mass of writhing gore and fluids, and the sight made his eyes go wide and his stomach twist into knots. He watched as the mound of flesh slowly formed a somewhat recognizable animal-like shape with four legs and a face. The skin grew back into place, seeping up spreading from underneath the exposed muscle, before the woman’s long white hair pushed through. Long arching horns slowly grew from the animal’s head as Idania stayed in place and let her body adjust.

Her figure was unlike that of any other Carrier and she was comprised of parts of her _Bovidae_ family rather than having the appearance of an animal that actually existed naturally. She had horns like an antelope, hair like a yak, and her body was enormous like that of a gaur. Her coloration was a creamy white, but her horns and cloven hooves were a soft ebony. She stayed where she was in the snow for several minutes before craning her neck and looking over her shoulder at Marcus. The man took that as his cue to clamber onto her ridged back. She was wide enough for him to sit on her like a bench with room to spare. Rude watched him, mouth slightly agape.

There was a gentle grunt and a puff of hot air that collided with Rude’s shoulder. He spun around in surprise and came face-to-face with a massive hairy brown head. He froze, staring at Reno in disbelief. The not-quite-a-redhead backed up a few steps to give his very shaken Charge some space. Rude’s reaction should’ve been what he had expected, but the look of absolute terror on the man’s face was more than what Reno thought Rude was even capable of expressing. He had never seen his friend so scared, and it broke his heart. Backing up more, Reno slowly plopped to the snow hoping that he would look less huge and intimidating closer to the ground.

 _‘I’m sorry_ ,’ he thought to himself over and over again. ‘ _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry_.’

It took a few minutes before Rude could think again. Marcus’ teeth chattering together as he shivered in the cold was what made him pay attention and remember what the plan was supposed to be. With the pile of Reno’s clothing, the Charge inched his way around the Carrier in front of him. He looked at Marcus, who had stretched himself out on his stomach along Idania’s back with his limbs buried in her hair for warmth. The other man wasn’t paying attention to him so his tiny hope for encouragement was dashed, but he didn’t stop. Awkwardly. Rude scooted a leg over the bison’s back and gingerly sat where he thought he was supposed to. Reno took that as a cue to stand up, and when he did he could feel Rude shift suddenly and lunge forward to grab onto the longer hair of his forequarters for stability.

With shaking hands, Rude withdrew the handgun from where it had been tucked into the top hem of his pants. Taking aim at the nearest tube-like walking machine, he took a deep breath and steeled himself for the worst. Pulling the trigger, the shot rocketed forward, glancing one of the form’s legs before burying itself in the decorated sphere that floated in the middle. Shuddering, the machine wavered before attempting to carry on as it had been, albeit a little less gracefully. It didn’t seem to mind all that much that it had been shot in what could be considered its face. However, the transport that sat a short distance away cared much more.

The loud hiss of an airlock being released sounded before a side panel tumbled open from the transport’s bed. More hatches popped off the side and landed in the snow, releasing another machine that gently hovered above the ground and turned towards the small group. The main body of the construct looked like a very pointy elongated hourglass that was flanked by two hugely oversized shoulder pads. It was mostly white with green and black accents outlining the circuitry under its sheer outer shell. Panels on either side of the hourglass shape slid out to expose a series of small gun barrels. It wasn’t a very inviting package.

“Reno, we need to go,” Rude said quickly.

Reno and Idania didn’t hesitate in taking off back towards the dome where everyone else was waiting. For as large and as bulky as the two Carriers were, they were surprisingly fast when running at full speed. However, the snow didn’t do them many favors and they were somewhat clumsy at trying to stay at one consistent gait. Regardless, they managed to make it back to the dome before the new machine could catch them immediately, though it did release a line of bullets that missed them and were lodged into the snow. Despite that, it didn’t give up its pursuit and drifted after them at a steady pace.

“What’s happening?” Zack asked as the group grew close enough. Rude quickly slid off of Reno’s back with his Carrier’s clothing. He shoved the bundle in Cloud’s arms so the blonde could feel useful. Cloud was too stunned by Idania and Reno to notice; he stared at them with wide eyes and an open mouth.

“Something is trying to drill a hole in the ground for what we assume is for a Mako reactor. We poked at one of the machines a little too much and now we’re being followed by something. Don’t know what it is and we don’t know how dangerous it is exactly, but it’s armed,” Rude explained quickly.

“Get inside,” Leon said abruptly, shoving his Charge back into the dome. Cloud didn’t resist as he staggered backwards through the large doorway. His eyes were glued to the animals outside.

Marcus had his own ideas of what needed to be done. While the rest of his companions talked amongst themselves in order to formulate a plan, he gently tugged on the tip of one of Idania’s horns. Like a trained horse, his Carrier followed the direction of the stimulus and started walking back towards the oncoming foe. Once they were a short distance away she stopped and Marcus slowly slid off of her back, using her hair like a ladder. He pointed at the construct and shooed her away towards it. Taking his cue to heart, his Carrier lowered her head and started running towards the threat at full speed.

As Idania charged away from him, intending to headbutt the machine with all her weight thrown behind it, Marcus was hesitant. He had been away from Eden for much of his life and lived an unnatural existence through the technology granted to him by his other home. He knew people would forget him when he left, as the Shumi demonstrated many times whenever he returned, but he had never asked Eden if she had forgotten him too. If she had, his effort would be wasted and he and Idania could very well perish in the next few moments. Closing his eyes, he attempted to relieve the tension from his body and pay attention to the elements around him; namely: the cold.

Idania’s horns connected with the machine head-on. She could hear the outer shell of the construct crack under the force, but that didn’t stop its pursuit. It pushed back against her just as much as she did to it and they stood at a stand-still for a second. She withdrew when she heard the hiss of more airlocks releasing. Pulling away, she took off in the other direction away from the machine and away from Marcus. It didn’t follow her right away as it was taking a moment to dislodge its oversized shoulder pad-like modules. They hovered in the air beside it.

The sky began to darken, and the cloud cover overhead began to pull together into one massive form. Idania recognized what was happening, and it immediately made her concerned for her Charge. She couldn’t go back to him, though, not right then. Once the machine had split into three parts, it changed its course to follow her. The front part of the construct’s main carapace peeled open in several layers like a series of doors which exposed a large lens that was lodged in its chest. The domes of the additional modules slid open and exposed the same mechanism. It stopped chasing Idania as all three parts started to angle together and focus on one point in front of it.

Pulling from the dwindling sun’s energy, it released a glaring ray of light from each of the lenses that came together to form one solid beam. The machine drew a line in front of itself with the laser that immediately burned a path through the snow. Angling upward, the beam followed Idania’s path even as she veered to the right in order to avoid it. The Carrier let out a bellowing squeal as she felt the ray sizzle over her skin through her thick hair. Blood seeped out of the wound that stretched from the meat of her hind quarters up her side and over her back. Feeling her leg go weak, the Carrier staggered and fell to the snow.

The earth began to shake violently underfoot as an enormous wisp from the Lifestream circled its way down from the clouds leaving a gossamer tail of energy in its wake; it connected with the ground with a flash. The light lasted a split second before the earth opened up and a towering spire of ice jutted up in its place, knocking the machine backwards into the snow along with large chunks of earth and snow. The rush of wind it created pushed everyone outside the dome except for Reno to the ground as well. The terrestrial shaking settled shortly thereafter and all was quiet for a moment.

A fissure formed from the tip of the ice and slowly crinkled its way down to the base. A deafening cracking noise rang out as the spire split in two and split open like peanut shell. A woman was inside. She was abnormally tall with skin the color of fresh mountain snow that darkened to a steely blue as it reached the ends of her extremities. Clumps of packed ice served as scant clothing that barely covered her and may as well have not existed. However, she did have an elaborate headpiece made of three flexible panels that hung down past her hips. Stemming from that were two long golden tendrils where sideburns should’ve been on her face.

The supernatural woman calmly stepped out from her icy tomb and looked around. Noticing the machine that had collapsed in the snow, she stepped to it and raised a hand above her head. Tendrils of the Lifestream seeped upwards from her palm and slowly spread to form a three dimensional shape. She closed her fingers around it, and with a glimmer, the energy composed veil dissipated and left a long jagged spike of ice in its place. Bringing her arm down, she drove the spike through the lens on the machine’s front and through its main body with ease. She left the weapon there and stepped away from it, turning towards the drilling site where the rest of the machinery was.

Back towards the dome, Reno was in a panic. Galloping as fast as his legs would carry him, he raced towards Marcus who had collapsed in the snow. Idania had also managed to pull herself up and limp her way to her Charge, but her son beat her to him. Reno didn’t know what to make of what he had witnessed. All his father had been doing was standing out in the open, with his hands clasped together in front of him like he was praying. He had fallen when the ground started to shake, but didn’t get up like everyone else had. Reno nudged the man’s side with his snout, hoping to rouse him, but Marcus didn’t move. Eventually, Idania made it to them and plopped to the snow again next to her Charge. She seemed calm even as her open wound dripped blood onto the snow beneath her.

Marcus had successfully summoned the celestial being named Shiva. Like Bahamut, she was an entity sent forth from Eden in order to protect the land. However, since she was summoned by someone versus being wrenched from the Lifestream via Materia, she was much more willing to help with whatever was needed of her. In his prayers, Marcus had informed her of what the problem was and what needed to happen.

Shiva stopped a short distance from the drilling site and planted her feet on the ground and raised both her arms above her head. As she had done just a moment before, wisps of the Lifestream gathered above her palms and formed an amorphous shape. But, she didn’t use it to form a weapon. Instead, when she had gathered enough, she thrust her arms down and in front of herself, throwing the energy outward. Standing straight again, she waited until the wisp was as far away as she wanted before she snapped her fingers.

The wisp emitted a strong shockwave, like that from a bomb that blew away the transport, the tube-like machines, and blasted everyone near the dome backwards again. Idania and Marcus were already on the ground and were simply rolled further away, but Reno tumbled onto his side and skidded across the snow this time as well. In an instant, the snow that had been blasted up above the drilling site seized in the air, quickly froze together, and spread in all directions. It only took a second, but the entire site as well as the immediate surrounding area was covered in a layer of ice that was several feet thick. The crater was also filled, and once the ice finished spreading, all was quiet.

Stepping away from her work, Shiva had a few loose ends to tie up before she returned to Eden. She could feel that the one who summoned her was hurting and needed her help before she left. She knew of his indifference to dying, but she also knew his desire to do it peacefully. It wasn’t her place to take his life from him, but she could help him at least take the pain away. In addition to that, she needed to make it so that the ones destroying the earth couldn’t return there and put him in harm’s way again.

When she approached Idania and Marcus, she gave the wounded Carrier an apologetic face for causing them discomfort. There wasn’t anything she could do for the wounds on the synthetic creature before her, but at the very least she could carry Idania back to the dome so she wouldn’t have to walk. Shiva stuffed her arms in the snow underneath Idania and scooped her up easily and held her in her arms like a housecat. She took the Carrier to the dome and set her next to the doors before going back for Marcus. By that time, Reno had pulled himself up on shaky legs and teetered after the ethereal woman as she headed back to the doors with his father.

There were several pairs of bewildered eyes staring up at her as she moved. Tifa, Zack, Leon, Rude, and Cloud were all dumbfounded, and couldn’t even begin to question what was happening in front of them. They didn’t have the chance to, either. Once Idania and Marcus were where they needed to be, Shiva left again and headed back towards the drilling site. She stopped at the edge of where she had left off and continued icing over the landscape, but in smaller bursts that didn’t blow everyone over.

“Is… is this really happening?” Leon asked quietly from his divot in the snow. He managed to pull his eyes away from Shiva and he looked at Zack and Tifa. They both shifted their blank gazes to him as well and nodded deftly.

Idania was the first to change back to her Implant form. She left a wide bloody print on the snow in her place, but as her skin grew back and shifted, the wound healed as much as it could. In its place was a wide trail of scar tissue that traveled up her thigh, over her side, and onto her back. She didn’t seem to notice, though, as her attention was immediately focused on Marcus as soon as she could move. She scooped him up into her arms and clung to him.

“Where are my pants?” Reno asked abruptly as he huddled in the snow after returning to normal. He shivered violently; his entire body shaking with the effort to stay warm. Rude blinked a few times as he attempted to pull his broken mind back together. He blearily got up and headed back inside the dome where Cloud was. The blonde had set Reno’s things down and was glued to the glass opposite from the doors watching Shiva go about her work. Rude took the bundle outside and handed it off to his Carrier.

There was a hazy mental fog over everyone present as they all headed inside and tried to absorb the recent ordeal. No one could think of anything to say, but they all watched Marcus closely as Idania settled on the floor with him. An air of uneasiness and tension trickled in as the silence and time continued, especially around Reno and Rude. The redhead stayed as far away from his Charge as possible, keeping his eyes low and his attention on the carpet. He was terrified to know what Rude was thinking, and was quietly dreading the inevitable conversation they would need to have. Similarly, Rude didn’t want anything to do with Reno at the moment, and was content to keep his distance as well.

It wasn’t long before Shiva returned. She had turned all the land around the dome to ice and piled it up high like a thick wall where need be. The dome itself was the last place she would cover before tugging open the doors and wiggling herself inside. She had to squat down and sit on the floor as soon as she could in order to fit, which forced almost everyone to move away and stand against the back half of the dome. Idania and Marcus stayed put, though.

Shiva pulled the doors closed again and ran her hand over the surface of it, coating the entrance and the area outside in another thick layer of ice. Everyone was sealed inside and it would take a great amount of effort to break through to them again. Whether or not it would happen before everyone had to leave and cross back over to their home plane, it was hard to say, but it was safe for the time being. Once everything was secure, the woman turned her attention to Marcus and held her hand out over his face.

Shiva’s body began to dissolve in front of everyone. The Lifestream energy she had borrowed from Eden dripped down from her fingers in thin smoky tendrils that slowly dissipated into Marcus’ skin. From the top of her head and from the tips of her toes, her form disappeared and faded forward until her hand and fingertips were the last things present and then they vanished as well. Once she was gone, there was complete silence.

Leon’s brain couldn’t handle the stress of trying to understand what he had just witnessed. As he stared at Marcus in disbelief like everyone else was, his mind felt like it was spinning out of control. His vision started to blur a bit and he felt lightheaded. In the back of his swimming thoughts, he knew he should’ve sat down and taken a breather, but he couldn’t force his legs to move. They eventually responded, but not in the way he wanted. They buckled under him just as his vision darkened.

The last thing he remembered was feeling the floor meet the side of his face.


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter 64

Everything was warm. Warm and soft. Or at least, that’s what Leon believed. The whole world was suddenly a comfortable padded room for him to curl up in. The things he couldn’t begin to understand, the things he regretted, the things he was disappointed in, the things he feared, the things he lost, his worries, his anxiety, and his obsession with needing an explanation had all drifted away and left behind a mental void that let him feel nothing. Think of nothing. See nothing. He was trapped there, he knew, but he couldn’t dredge up enough emotion to care.

Shiva, and to a lesser extent Marcus, had been his breaking point. Throughout his recent past, there had been a lot of things and a lot of experiences that should’ve broken him. He should’ve felt that his situation was hopeless and that his chance at lifelong happiness died when he realized his Charge was a bigoted asshole that kicked him at every available opportunity. But, despite all of the physical and emotional trauma Cloud had put him through, there was a foundation underneath him that kept him steady.

He knew that once he went home and could work on his project and make a family for himself, that he’d be okay. He didn’t need a Charge to be his companion because he would have his siblings instead. The knowledge was there, the book smarts existed, and he was confident in his ability to use the laws of science and nature to succeed. His foundation, his understanding of how the elements and the pieces around him worked and meshed together was concrete and unmoving. Behind all the pain and the torture he had put up with, there was an unwavering truth he could lean on that would still allow him to progress forward and live out his purpose.

However, Marcus and his abilities had all but shattered that seemingly impenetrable wall Leon relied on so heavily. Everything was suddenly called into question. Shiva had not been a construct of any science that he understood, or had even heard of in passing. He couldn’t examine her and figure out the data behind what let her exist. There was nothing but the whimsical stories from a culture that was extremely alien to him despite how exposed he had been to it so far. Every instance of superhuman ability and ethereal force he had brushed aside was called back into question and replayed over and over in his head in an attempt to understand it. The stress he put himself under and the panic he felt because of it eventually did him in. Everything came to a screeching halt before tipping over the proverbial edge into nothingness. Leon was broken, and there was no obvious way to fix it.

When the group returned from the surface and Leon had woken up again, he wasted no time in breaking off from everyone else and heading his own way. With the promise to pay for them in work at a later date, he scooped up as many pads of paper and writing utensils as he could carry from the market stalls and hurried to lock himself away in his room in the Inn. He paced for hours, chewing on his lips in fingers in a fit of manic neurosis as he considered where to start. There were so many variables to consider and so many theories to flesh out; he couldn’t put them in any sort of sequence that made any sense.

He eventually gave up on trying to find a starting point and simply sat on the floor and began writing. Before long, he had filled up a page with text that was so scrunched together and written in such a tiny calculated font that from a distance the sheet almost looked like a solid black square. The only spaces he left were between complex formulas coupled with additional variables that followed the flow of events as he played them back in his mind. He covered everything he could think of, from the molecular structure of the clouds and snow, to the surface tension of the ground cover and what he felt Shiva’s ice achieved. He then started to string theories together to try and bend them the way he thought made the most sense.

“Leon?” Reno chimed from outside the russet Carrier’s door. “We haven’t seen you in two days. Did you die?” he asked. When he received no response, the redhead feared the worst. Worry laced through his shoulders, and he turned to the Shumi companion he had brought with him. The Innkeeper had the master key to the electronic locks for all the rooms, and it quietly reached up and slid a thin pearlescent card in front of the motion sensor at the top of the door. It opened, and Reno stepped inside.

“Do you need anything else?” the Innkeeper asked. The redhead shook his head and the Shumi gave him a shallow courteous bow before leaving quietly. Once it was gone, Reno shut the door again.

The redhead stood near the door and watched his friend as the brunette gently rocked in place on the floor surrounded by sheets of paper that looked completely black from where he was standing. There was another notepad in Leon’s lap that the feline Carrier was furiously scribbling on with one hand while the other twisted a piece of hair between his index and middle finger over and over again. Leon was so absorbed in what he was doing that he didn’t even notice Reno was there. The redhead was relieved that his friend wasn’t physically dead, but he seriously questioned how dead Leon was mentally.

“Leon?” Reno asked again as he bent down to pick up a sheet of paper. He squinted at the miniscule calculated penmanship. The things Leon had written, the formulas and equations he had cooked up, were a complete mystery to Reno. He didn’t recognize any of it from any of the lessons he had been taught when he was younger. He couldn’t even tell if they were things that had ever existed or if Leon had just randomly smashed together familiar mathematical symbols in a fit of mental instability. With a sad sigh, the redhead shuffled a path through the ring of papers until he could kneel down next to Leon. He reached over into the brunette’s lap and laid a hand over the one that had been moving like the carriage of a typewriter moving along its track. Leon jumped a bit in surprise and looked to the redhead with wide eyes.

“What?” he asked, his voice fighting against his dry throat. He hadn’t done anything but write for the better part of two days. The strain from the lack of sleep and proper sustenance was plain on his face. Reno tried to give him a tiny smile.

“It’s time to stop. You need to do something else for a bit. Like sleep,” he said gently.

“No,” Leon said, pulling away from the redhead and turning to the side so Reno couldn’t reach his hand anymore.

“Why not?”

“Because I need to write this down before I forget,” the brunette said, hunching over his notepad again.

“You’ve written enough,” Reno insisted, picking up several pieces of paper and shaking them in Leon’s peripheral view. He scooted around the brunette’s side again and sat next to him.

“No I haven’t. I’m not done.”

“Okay… well, can you tell me what you’re writing?”

“Theoretical changes in the hierarchic theory of condensed matter and the viscosity of solids when introduced to mesoscopic and macroscopic stimuli,” Leon said plainly as if it was completely obvious.

“…Oh. I don’t know anything about that.”

“Pick up a book sometime.”

“Maybe later. Right now I want to know why this is something you need to do.”

“Because I need answers,” the brunette grumbled. His growing agitation was projected through his voice, which made Reno a little nervous. The last thing he wanted to do was make Leon angry at him.

“Answers to what?” the redhead asked carefully.

“How that giant blue woman exists,” the brunette mumbled, his attention slowly sinking back into the rhythm of his thoughts and writing. He started twisting a piece of hair around his fingers again, already starting to mentally block Reno out. The redhead scrunched his brows together in confusion. To him, Leon was being ridiculous and unrealistic. He didn’t understand what shattering the foundation Leon stood on had done to his friend. It was much easier for Reno to accept what went on in Plane 087 at face value and simply chock it up to weird experiences he couldn’t have when he was home again.

“Leon,” Reno said, his tone turning harsher. He circled around his friend again and put his hands on either side of the brunette’s face and lifted it so they were looking at one another. “Leon, listen to me. You’re not going to be able to apply math to what you saw, okay? It doesn’t need to be explained. Try accepting it and moving past it.”

“Like hell it doesn’t need to be explained,” Leon spat, his expression turning hostile. “Maybe you can live in a world of fairy tales and legends but I can’t. I can’t accept that. I need an answer,” he added, pulling away from Reno’s hands. Hugging the notepad to his chest, the brunette stood and stepped around his friend so he could sit in his bed. Squishing himself in the corner where the mattress met the wall, he attempted to immerse himself in his work again.

“Why do you have to have an answer?” Reno persisted, standing and going to sit on the edge of the bed. He was starting to become irritated as well.

“Because I do.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything. You don’t even know why you’re obsessing, do you?”

“I do,” Leon said. Truthfully, he didn’t understand the exact reason on why he felt so unstable, but he knew he did and that finding an answer would help him stand on solid ground again. He didn’t feel the need to try and express to Reno exactly how, why, and what he felt, but he did feel reasonably confident in his ability to make himself feel better if he could just be left alone to work.

“No you don’t. This fixation is ridiculous.”

“To you, maybe. The guy who doesn’t understand condensed matter theory.”

“Are you calling me stupid?” Reno asked, angrily looking over his shoulder at the brunette.

“In this regard, yes.”

“I never studied condensed matter theory because it doesn’t pertain to any Carrier project I would be working on. I didn’t feel the need to isolate myself with books and math before I crossed over to find Rude. Sorry.”

“Of course it applies to Carrier projects. It’s a theory on matter! Everything has matter.”

“Yeah, but we don’t need to understand what things are on a molecular level in order to be successful. We just need to know what mixes with what in order to get the result we need. It doesn’t have to go any deeper than that.”

“Says you.”

“Right, says me,” Reno huffed. “And anyway, you’re not even trying to relate this to Carrier projects. You’re trying to prove how a divine being exists when she doesn’t even exist back home. What we saw starts and ends here, Leon. You don’t have to drive yourself insane trying to figure it out when it’s not going to matter in a couple years. It doesn’t exist where we come from.”

“How do you know? How do you know it doesn’t exist? How can you prove that?” Leon said, sitting up a little straighter and settling his notepad in his lap. Reno was quiet for a moment.

“Do you really think human beings haven’t evolved to the point where they would’ve taken note if some celestial entity came sprouting out of the ground because someone else asked it to? It’s just ludicrous to think that it hasn’t happened at some point or another.”

“Just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, yeah? That’s what I had always been told here but I didn’t think anything of it. I ignored everything I saw like you did and for a while I was happier for it. But… I can’t ignore it anymore. Not with what Marcus showed us. I can’t say such things don’t exist where we come from because when I thought it was a figment here, I was wrong. I need to know.”

“You’re trying to prove whether or not God exists, Leon. That is a fruitless effort. Stop being ridiculous,” Reno insisted.

“It’s not ridiculous! It’d be revolutionary if I could find some correlation here and link it back to our projects, wouldn’t it? If we could have the abilities back home that people have here, there would be no end to what we could accomplish. Our projects wouldn’t be a trial-and-error guessing game anymore. It wouldn’t be theory anymore! It’d be an exact science. Call it what you will, but that seems like a pretty fucking fruitful endeavor to me,” Leon said. Reno sighed, his expression turning disappointed. “You don’t agree?”

“It’s a fruitless effort because you’re trying to bring together two planes of existence that aren’t similar enough on a molecular level for something like this to be worthwhile. We don’t have the same environment back home as the people do here. Their abilities will not transfer because our world doesn’t support that sort of manipulation,” the redhead said.

“You don’t know that. You have no proof.”

“And you have even less proof that anything you’re doing here will have any benefit. Know why? Because I will bet you any amount of money that the Technicians already did all that work for you. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that they are completely aware of what goes on here and I’m sure they’ve tried to do exactly what you’re doing and it obviously didn’t work because we don’t have giant blue women walking around turning mountains into ice, Leon.”

“They lived here for as long as we have? They’ve been exposed to everything we have? They have the background knowledge and experience that we have? I highly doubt that.”

“Ask my father. I’m sure he could tell you that anything he had here didn’t transfer over to home.”

“Maybe he didn’t try hard enough.”

“I have a hard time believing that he would just let all of it go after trying it once and not succeeding. I really don’t think he’s that pathetic,” Reno said.

“Even if he agreed with you, I’m still not convinced. Show me research and data that proves that this stuff doesn’t exist back home and then I’ll agree that I’m being ridiculous and working for nothing,” Leon said. He leaned back into the corner again and drew his legs up to use his thighs like an easel for his notepad. “Until I see that proof, just leave me alone so I can do this,” he added. Reno was at the limit of his patience. He reached over and quickly yanked the notepad out from in front of Leon and stood from the bed.

“Fuck your proof!” he barked, waggling the paper at his friend. “This isn’t math! This isn’t science! This is anything but proof! This right here,” he said, flipping the sheets through his fingers, showing page after page of scrunched calculated writing. “This is mania!” the redhead continued. He stepped to the scattered ring of papers on the floor and started picking them up. “All of this is nothing but mental instability,” he explained, holding them up. “Something knocked a screw loose in your head because all of this is complete and utter bullshit. Stop deluding yourself into believing you’re going to accomplish something other than driving yourself insane. Get control of yourself,” Reno spat angrily.

Leon was quiet. He hadn’t reacted to the redhead taking his notepad, or to being lectured. He simply sat with his knees pulled up with his arms crossed over his chest so he could hug himself. He watched Reno pick up all of his work off the floor, feeling the last pieces of his control were being taken from him. The irony of being told to ‘get control of himself’ while he no longer had any control in his possession was almost funny. But he didn’t smile. Didn’t laugh. Didn’t make a sound or show any emotion. He simply watched and felt nothing.

“If I don’t see you either asleep our out with the rest of the living world in the next hour, I’m going to tie you to your bed and choke you into sedation,” the redhead seethed. “I don’t know what is wrong with you, I don’t know why you’re suddenly like this, and I don’t know how to make you care for yourself. But what I do know is that I’m not going to let you kill yourself because of some stupid fixation that had never been a problem before this point. Go to sleep or come with me to get something to eat,” Reno said, his arms full of all the paper Leon had brought into his room. He had even taken the blank notepads the brunette had yet to use.  Again, Leon said nothing. He stared at the redhead blankly even as Reno turned to leave. His focus switched to the pads of paper just before they escaped from his view.  

 _Please don’t take those away_ , he thought to himself though the words couldn’t leave him. _I need those so I can work and feel better._

\---------------------

“Whoa,” Zack said in surprise when Reno abruptly dropped the stack of papers on the table next to him. Idania, Tifa, and Zack had been eating breakfast together and enjoying the quiet until the redhead felt the need to disturb them. Their last couple days had been spent in relative peace; the only exciting part being the excessive question and answer session everyone had bombarded Marcus with after they had descended down to the village again. There hadn’t been any real answers to what had happened other than Marcus’ spiritual rhetoric and explaining what his life had been like before crossing over with Idania so many years ago. No one had had the energy to move onto Reno and Idania changing forms. That had become a discussion for another time.

“What is all this?” Tifa asked, taking the top sheet so she could look it over. She made a disturbed face before squinting and bringing the paper closer to her eyes.

“Leon’s security blanket,” Reno said blandly, plunking down in an available seat. He rolled his shoulders in futile attempt to rid them of the extreme stress and tension he felt. “I don’t know what to do with him.”

“Is this what he’s been doing for the last couple days?” Zack asked, taking a sheet to look at as well.

“Yeah. I don’t even understand what it all is.”

“Neither do I. It wasn’t anything I taught him, that’s for sure.”

“He said something about condensed matter theory and solids and whatever,” Reno said, leaning back in his chair with his head settling on top of the backrest. He rubbed his eyes for a moment before staring up into the ceiling.

“Do you think he taught it to himself? Or was it something he learned at Balamb?” Tifa asked. She handed her sheet off to Idania because the curious bovine Carrier had already been leaning over in her seat to see. She gave Tifa a grateful smile before squinting at the tiny lettering for herself.

“Balamb was a military academy. I doubt they’re concerned about math and the sciences,” the redhead said.

“Oh. I don’t know where he would’ve learned it, then,” Tifa said, idly chewing a piece of fish. She made a thoughtful face. “Then again, once Zack and I taught him the basics, we hardly ever saw him again. Maybe he did teach himself.”

“Or it’s something he heard of and in a fit of craziness decided to barf out a bunch of mathematical symbols that looked similar,” Reno said.

Idania pursed her lips at all the equations for a moment before she stood and disappeared into her bedroom with the sheet of paper. Everyone present watched her leave, assuming she went to update Marcus on the goings on. Silence fell over the table as Zack and Tifa continued to eat breakfast and Reno took up a sheet for himself. It wasn’t long before Idania returned with Marcus slowly trailing in behind her. The man had already been in the process of waking up when his Carrier came to show him the recent discovery, but his curiosity wouldn’t let him stay in bed any longer. He gave everyone a groggy wave as he stepped to the stack of papers and started shuffling through them.

“ _Looking for something?”_ Reno signed.

“ _Where is the first page?_ ” Marcus asked, stuffing his hand in the pocket of his robe. He pulled out a pair of small reading glasses and put them on.

“I _have no idea. I just picked them up._ ”

“ _There are page numbers,_ ” the Charge said, leaning over with his sheet and pointing at the upper left-hand corner. There was a miniscule _p17_ with a circle around it just above the tip of his finger. Reno raised a brow at it before he started shuffling through the loose sheets of paper attempting to find the first one. He found it before Marcus did and handed it off to him. The man took it and went to sit on the sofa.

“Should we be concerned?” Tifa asked.

“I have no idea,” Reno said. After a short while of quiet contemplation, Marcus stood up again and went back to the papers. He picked through them until he could find the second page.

“ _This is brilliant_ ,” he signed, holding up the sheets in front of himself. It was not the reaction the redhead had expected and he furrowed his brows together.

“ _Don’t even tell me there’s something to all this garbage,_ ” Reno signed. He was a half step away from becoming irate at the idea that Leon’s insane scribbling made any sense. The brunette had spent two days isolating and starving himself over nothing, and the last thing Reno wanted was to validate it by telling him that something good came from it.

“ _It’s not garbage. It’s physics,_ ” Marcus signed, giving Reno a scowl. “ _Where is Leon now?”_

“ _Sleeping, hopefully.”_

“ _When he wakes up I hope he’ll explain his thought process to me.”_

 _“I would prefer you didn’t talk to him about it, honestly,”_ Reno signed with a tiny sigh.

“ _Why? Is there a problem?”_

“What’s up?” Zack asked, watching the two talk with their hands unknowingly.

“Dad wants to know what the problem is and why I don’t want him to talk to Leon about all this random math stuff,” the redhead said.

“Oh. Why _is_ it a problem?”

“Because…” Reno started but let out a long frustrated sigh. “Because this isn’t normal. When Leon first crossed over with me, he more or less ignored me and any other sort of friendly companionship for a very long time. He was obsessed with working; watching Cloud’s parents and isolating himself away from everything else. He’s suddenly taken that mentality to the extreme with all of this…” he trailed picking up a piece of paper and waggling it for emphasis. “This bullshit. I don’t like it. If we validate it and tell him what he’s doing makes sense and it’s worthwhile, he won’t stop. And I don’t believe this is something he could ever reach the end with. He could really hurt himself with this.”

“Maybe his genetic donors were predisposed to obsessive compulsive disorders,” Tifa said, picking at the remainder of her breakfast. Reno glanced at her before looking down at the paper in his hand. Idania had started translating the rest of the speech to her Charge so he could have his question answered.

“I don’t know. I already told him that he was being ridiculous and that I wouldn’t let him kill himself, but he didn’t respond. And he just stared at me after I took the pad from him. I had expected him to get angry or at least try to grab it again. Having no reaction is kind of worrisome,” the redhead admitted.

“Yeah. He’s clearly having some sort of episode. I wonder if your reaction to it did more harm than good,” Zack said. “Personally, I would’ve just let him crash on his own and then approached him after he had some rest and time to get over it. He couldn’t have gone on much longer.”

“Maybe,” Reno said sadly. He nudged the pile of papers aside so he could fold his arms on the table and rest his face on them. “I worry about him too much though. I couldn’t take it anymore.” Marcus lightly tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

“ _I won’t bring it up to him again if it makes you feel better,_ ” the man said. Reno nodded a bit and Marcus gave him a tiny yet somewhat disappointed smile. He set the pages he had in his hands back on the pile before going to take his seat on the couch again. After a moment, Tifa stood with her plate and went to drop it off in the small kitchen. She then headed for the staircase leading to the lower level.

“Tifa?” Zack asked as he watched his Carrier leave.

“Don’t stop me,” she said quickly, trotting down the stairs. Her Charge had opened his mouth to say something but then closed it with a bit of a huff. He crossed his arms over his chest with a tiny smile.

“She knows me too well. It’s scary,” he said.

\----------------

For the short while he had been alone, Leon couldn’t make his mind calm down enough to sleep. He stayed where he was, squashed in the corner on his bed, and stared ahead of himself at the door hoping Reno would come back and give him some sort of solace. But Reno never came back. It was upsetting, but any outward emotion showing the feeling was too much effort. That didn’t mean his thoughts didn’t get carried away, though.

 _Why did I think it would be a good idea?_ he questioned himself. The very real possibility of all of his scribbling being nothing but an episode of insatiable mania made Leon consider whether or not he even had the capacity to complete his project and purpose back home. But, his brief moment of questioning clarity dissipated in an instant. His mind was racing again. It told him over and over that if only he could work out the math and complete a thought then he would be okay. Things would go back to the way they were before he felt like he had lost his foundation.

The urge to get up and steal his pads of paper back was immense but he didn’t have the energy to get up and do it. Being scolded by Reno had more of an effect on him than he wanted to admit, and the brunette found himself mentally fighting a losing battle. On the one hand he wanted to work. On the other he agreed he was being ridiculous and he knew he should stop. The clarity and the mania fought each other in a grueling fight that neither could win, but they did so anyway at the expense of Leon’s stability. He was miserable, and by the time he could feel as exhausted as he should’ve been, he had forgotten why he was so upset in the first place.

At some point, Tifa came into his room. He hadn’t quiet registered that he needed to lay down in order to fall asleep properly, but his eyes did end up losing focus as they stared straight ahead and his mind quieted just enough to allow the fogginess to overflow. Tifa wasn’t happy with his appearance when she saw him. Her first instinct was to grab Leon and shake him to alertness, but she restrained herself. Instead, she quietly shuffled into his bed with him and gingerly pulled him away from the corner into her arms. He stiffly leaned against her.

“Before you came back, Reno had tried to prepare Zack and me by saying that a lot has happened and that we should expect you to be different. He wouldn’t explain exactly what he meant but we assumed none it was very good. I don’t want you to say anything about it unless you’re absolutely positive that you want to, but I can already see it weighing you down. Zack was the same way. Once he had the chance to get away from all the chaos his life had been, all that was left to think about were the problems he had and what he felt his mistakes were. I don’t know if that’s how you feel, but I do think that what we saw on the surface with Marcus was the last straw for you. I don’t know why it was, but I don’t really care. What I care about is keeping you from repeating what Zack did,” Tifa said. Her grip on him tightened and she rested her cheek against the top of his head. “You’re too special for that.”

‘Special’ wasn’t exactly a word that Leon had ever thought related to him. He didn’t really feel very special. Not too long before that Reno had just finished telling him how stupid he had been acting and everything he had been doing wrong, so unless ‘special’ was being used as a way to say he was the most exceptional of idiots, he didn’t see a relationship there. He could tell what Tifa was trying to do, and he appreciated her approach, but he couldn’t agree that he was very remarkable. The fact of the matter remained that he had believed he could prove the impossible; a major delusion.

“Come on,” Tifa encouraged, pulling back from him. She stuffed her hands under his pillows and grabbed the top of the covers and began pulling them down. Going to sleep had become an extremely appealing prospect over the last few minutes, and Leon didn’t argue when the woman tugged him down with her and pulled the blankets over them both. She immediately pulled him close again, hugged him, and tucked his head under her chin; forcing him to rest his face in her ample bosom. There was a brief moment where Leon was tempted to shove her away and scowl at her, but he couldn’t deny how comforting it was and decided that for now it was okay. Just this once. Warm, soft, and feeling empty was much better than cold, stiff, and still feeling empty.

\------------------------

“Would you hit me if I said I was jealous?” Reno asked, glancing up at Zack. The Charge looked to him briefly and shrugged.

“No. I am too,” he said, turning his attention back to Leon and Tifa from the brunette’s doorway. A short while after the woman had left, the pair decided to check up on what she and Leon were doing. Zack had been confident that he would hear arguing as Tifa attempted to smother Leon in motherly affection, but to his surprise they found the opposite. Or maybe the argument had already passed and Leon simply gave in. He couldn’t decide.

“You guys woke up after I did. How is she asleep again already?” the redhead asked curiously.  Tifa seemed to be sound asleep. It was still mid-morning and she had been awake for all of an hour before going to see Leon.

“They’re all like that at my facility. Cats sleep for most of the day, you know. Technically it’s weird that we make them get up and spend ten or twelve hours working every day. I don’t know of any feline Carrier that can’t fall asleep at the drop of a hat, even if it’s just a tiny snooze,” Zack said.

“Leon doesn’t sleep very regularly,” Reno said.

“I think Leon has more problems than he’d like to admit; insomnia or irregular sleep patterns for feline Carriers are an anomaly. Most get up at the coolest part of the day – five or six in the morning – and then we make them work, they want to sleep after eating but we don’t let them because humans are terrible, and then they usually crash at about eight or nine at night. And then it’s a bitch to get them to wake up again,” Zack explained with a bit of an amused smile.

“It sounds like they live in a constant state of not getting enough sleep. I don’t need a lot of sleep to feel okay.”

“Right, but your Totem is like that. Herbivores have to spend most of their time eating to get enough nutrients where carnivores don’t. Realistically, if the Technicians wanted to, they could just feed everyone at my facility one giant meal a week and they’d be fine. It’s just easier to ship all the food at the same pace because the human counterparts need regular meals. We eat the same meat they do; it’s just cooked. Plus, when it’s coming in and going out at regular intervals, you don’t need as much storage space.”

“Yeah, I suppose. I never really gave it much thought. It makes me worry for Leon more, though. He really doesn’t get as much sleep as he should. Less than anyone else does, probably,” the redhead said.

“Like I said: more problems than he wants to admit,” Zack said. Having seen enough, the pair turned to leave. Rude had apparently been standing behind them for a while, and when they turned around, they both startled. Reno yelped in surprise and quickly slapped his hands over his mouth. He turned and looked at Leon and Tifa to check that the pair hadn’t been disturbed before paying attention to Rude again.

“Asshole! Why are you sneaking up on me like that?!” the redhead spat crankily; his tone was far less threatening than he wanted it to be because he felt compelled to whisper.

“I didn’t make any special effort to sneak up,” Rude said with a shallow shrug. “Not my fault you’re skittish and apparently deaf.”

“This is nothing new! You know how I am,” Reno huffed. Zack laughed a bit under his breath before taking it as his cue to leave the pair alone. Rude had a very serious expression on his face and Zack felt that whatever they were going to talk about was none of his business even though he had a pretty good idea of what it was. Reno watched him go, and as the Charge put distance between them, a sense of dread started trickling into his shoulders. He had a feeling Rude was there to have a conversation that the redhead had been avoiding relentlessly over the last two days.

“We need to talk,” Rude said sternly. Reno’s mood dropped considerably and he nodded.

“Yeah… I know. Not here,” the redhead agreed, stepping away from Leon’s door.

Out of the inn, down the trail, around the corner, and up again, there was another delta that was rarely used. The flow of water through the wall of the cave wasn’t the best, so very few fish were there. It wasn’t maintained as much as the other fishing spots were, so there was an abundance of overgrowth spread over the ground. There was a small clearing, but it was surrounded by tiny flowers and tall grasses. Leon liked to hide there when he needed to change, but Reno didn’t even realize it existed. The nice scenery didn’t do anything to calm the redhead’s nerves, though. He was so frightened of what Rude had to say that he was shaking. He kept his eyes on the ground and waited for the inevitable.

“Stop it. You look like you’re going to cry,” Rude said when he turned and realized the state Reno was in. The redhead’s eyes were a little misty and being told not to cry only made it worse. Now he was embarrassed. He blinked rapidly a few times and used his sleeve to dry his face.

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Is having a serious conversation with me really that upsetting?” his Charge asked.

“It is when I feel like I’m never going to see you again by the end of it,” Reno said, sniffling.

“Well I hate to break it to you, but even if I wanted to leave I literally can’t anymore. Not unless I feel like trying to punch my way through a sheet of ice that is Eden-only-knows-how thick.”

“True. But that doesn’t matter. Not being on speaking terms is basically the same thing. To me anyway,” the redhead muttered.

“Okay, but I don’t plan on doing that either, so stop it. You’re being stupid.”

“… I don’t think it’s very stupid.”

“But I’m telling you it is because you’re assuming things that aren’t true.”

“Okay…” Reno trailed. Rude let out an exasperated sigh and bent at the waist until he was in the redhead’s line of sight. Given their height difference and how low Reno was looking, his face was almost upside down.

“I just want an explanation,” he said. Reno seemed doubtful.

“That’s all? We avoid each other for two days and all you want is an explanation? You don’t think what I do is weird?” he asked skeptically. Rude stood straight again, and Reno was able to look at him somewhat normally with a little less difficulty.

“Yes. I’ve thought about it a lot. I know you’re not from here, I know you’re different, and I know you have some sort of mission or assignment you need my help to do. But I don’t know the particulars, and in order for me to accept your differences I need to know why and how you are the way you are. Because… I have to be honest, Reno,” Rude attempted, rubbing the back of his neck with a tiny scowl. “You scare the shit out of me. It’s taken me until now just to muster up the balls to approach you again, so I’d like my reward to be some peace of mind. If I’m going places with you, I’d rather go back to how it was before a couple days ago, and not spend the rest of my time being terrified of you.”

“I tried to warn you,” Reno said sheepishly. “I wish I could’ve let you know about that under better circumstances.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. Just… start from the beginning again and explain this to me in terms I would understand, okay?”

Reno nodded a bit. “Okay.”


	65. Chapter 65

Chapter 65

Cloud took a seat next to Leon where the Carrier had been fishing off the end of a pier. The brunette was silent, and hadn’t said much since his quiet breakdown several days prior. He had spent most of his time by himself, waiting for the feeling to come back to his senses. He found it odd that he felt so little even though he thought he should be feeling a lot. Some sort of expression or emotion would’ve been nice, but all he could muster up was a tiny permanent scowl that stuck to the corner of his eyebrow and sides of his lips.

No one felt it necessary to sit him down and question him about his episode. Reno had done more than enough talking for him while he was away from everyone. The end result was the same regardless. No one would fully understand the mental torment he was putting himself through. And how could they? Despite the rockiness, Reno and Rude had a much better relationship then he and Cloud did and the other pairs were perfectly happy as well. To his knowledge, no one beat the hell out of their partners, sliced their faces open, raped them, or called them names. No one seemed to care as much about the foundation of science and physics, either.

Leon didn’t see the point of trying to bring up any of his experiences again. He didn’t believe that reliving them would help him cope. No one there could relate or share wisdom with him that would do him any good. So, he kept it to himself. Given enough time, he figured he would forget. A couple decades from then it could be completely different and everything that had happened would probably be irrelevant. The memories would float off into the ether and cease to exist. That sounded nice; forgetting. He would hope for that.

“You’re not dead,” Cloud said. The brunette didn’t say anything for a long moment.

“I’m surprised you noticed,” Leon said flatly, eyes fixed on the water. There was an uneasiness he felt around Cloud that he couldn’t shake. It crept over his skin and made every hair on his arms stand on end. He had been allowed to dwell too much on all the things he had been through. He had no further stresses or worries to clog his mind up and prevent it from happening. It had all come to a head and now it felt like everything was circling his feet waiting to trip him up again. Just a half step in the wrong direction and he could fall into another mental pit he couldn’t climb out of.

“Why’s that? It’s sort of hard not to notice when your tiny commune of eight is suddenly missing someone,” the blonde said.

“Let me rephrase: I didn’t think you would care enough to notice.”

“It’s not really a matter of whether or not I care; it’s more like I’d be a complete idiot if I hadn’t noticed.”

“No comment,” Leon muttered. Cloud frowned a bit and shot him a tiny glare out of the corner or his eye. The brunette didn’t notice.

“It did take me a few days though, I will say.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“No. But being right sometimes feels nice.”

“Being right?”

“Yeah. You’re right. I don’t care.”

“I see,” Leon deadpanned. Annoyed, his scowl deepened until he was properly glaring at the water. He was quiet for a moment before he finally looked at his Charge. “Did you want something from me? If not, go away,” he seethed. Cloud raised a brow and looked at him.

“Jeeze, hostile,” the blonde said.

“Am I supposed to be happy when people tell me that they wouldn’t care if I died?”

“It was a joke. Relax.”

“Not funny.”

“You started it. You basically called me an idiot for not noticing you were gone right away. ‘No comment’ is a nice way of saying ‘I agree, Cloud, you are pretty damn stupid,’” the Charge said.

“So you try to one-up me by telling me it’d be fine if I just up and died for whatever reason? That’s a pretty big jump, if you ask me,” Leon said. He stopped paying attention to the blonde when he felt something tug the end of his fishing line. Turning his attention to his potential meal, he hurriedly yanked back on the simple fishing pole and snagged his catch. It wasn’t the biggest fish he had ever caught, but it was an alright size for a snack. Cloud watched him with slight intrigue.

“Why are you so angry? I mean that seriously. Forget the joking for a second. Are you mad because of the freakish ice lady? Or because your friend can apparently change into a giant walking steak?” Cloud asked. He settled his elbow on his knee and his chin in his palm, watching the brunette closely. “Those were his words, not mine, by the way,” he added.

“I wasn’t angry before you decided to throw cruel jokes at me,” Leon said, holding his fish steady in one hand as he attempted to nicely detach it from his hook.

“Didn’t look like it.”

“Did you want something? Is that why you’re here badgering me?” the brunette deflected, sounding annoyed. He didn’t like that Cloud was attempting to pry into his personal business. The blonde was the last person he wanted to talk to about that sort of thing, and the questioning was very abrupt given how little Cloud seemed to have cared about him a few days prior.

The truth was Cloud was worried. On a personal level, he had zero interest in whatever Leon was dealing with. He didn’t care if the Carrier wanted to spend his time moping around and being boring. However, the blonde felt like he was being tricked. It wasn’t a new feeling, but Leon’s complete hands-off approach since they had arrived in the village was very concerning. Cloud had been promised so much, but he didn’t see any evidence of it happening. He had hardly seen Leon over the last week, and with so many nice words and speeches he had been told, Cloud didn’t feel that his Carrier should just up and abandon him after bringing him where he wanted. It was very suspicious, and the tenseness he felt quadrupled when he realized he had literally been sealed in the village and couldn’t leave anymore. It was a scary situation he had gotten himself in. It was a problem.

“I’d like to know when you’re planning on doing the things you promised me,” the blonde said.

“When I have the proper tools to teach you what you need to know, I will. Did I not say that the first thing we should do was get you in better shape physically?”

“You’re not doing that either.”

“I don’t have a magic pill to shove up your nose that makes you better, Cloud. You have to work at it.”

“I know, but you sure as hell haven’t exactly done anything to help me, either. Like you said you would,” the blonde said. He was getting angry now, and he leaned into Leon’s personal space, fixing his searing less-than-amused eyes on the Carrier’s face. “Do you know what it’s like to wake up and be continually embarrassed because you can’t remember who the fuck the people are that you’ve spent the last week with? You know their faces and you know you should know who they are but you have to ask them their names anyway. Again. Just like the last time you saw them and the time before that. You said you’d be there to remind me as my times as I needed, but instead, you weren’t. Tell me why I shouldn’t be pissed at you?”

Leon didn’t hear him. He was frozen in place by a white hot bolt of crippling fear that struck him in the middle of his spine. He could see Cloud’s angry eyes haunting him from the edges of his periphery as a flood of memories echoed in the back of his mind. Dropping his fish, he slowly brought his hands up until he could hug himself as Cloud spoke directly in his ear. Leon reflexively leaned away from him, but couldn’t force himself to do much more. The color drained from his face and he stared ahead of himself with wide eyes. Petrified, he couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“Tell me!” the blonde yelled, slamming his hand on the dock as he leaned in further. Leon flinched and leaned further away from him.

Suddenly, his mind sprang to life and started reeling. He had to get away. Had to run. Had to escape. But there was nowhere. Cloud was so close to him, there was zero chance of getting anywhere. He would be caught, and then it would happen again. He’d be pinned between his Charge and a hard surface and then pain and humiliation would rain over him and drown him. He could feel it coming, and waited for it. Meanwhile, a tight knot formed in his chest that made it extremely hard to breathe. The fear was strangling him and prevented him from doing anything but panic. After a few hectic seconds that felt like years, he caved.

“I’m sorry,” he managed to roughly whisper just loud enough for Cloud to hear.

The comment wasn’t what the blonde had expected and he pulled away from the Carrier in confusion. It was then that he realized that the brunette was all but doubled over hugging himself into a frightened ball. This was even more perplexing, and Cloud took a minute to just look Leon over to make sure he was actually seeing what he was seeing. The brunette was terrified, and the blonde wasn’t completely sure why. He knew he had given Leon the scar on his face, but the Carrier hadn’t had much of a reaction to it for a long while. Whatever the reason was, Cloud didn’t care. It was clear the Carrier was scared of him, but the blonde was so angry that Leon hadn’t made an effort to fulfill any of his promises that he felt this was justified. Cloud felt Leon deserved it, and he had the mind to use this fear to his advantage if he needed to.

“I’m sorry,” Leon mumbled again. “Please… just leave.”

“If I do, are you going to disappear for another week and leave me stranded?” Cloud asked, his tone seething.

“No. I promise. Just leave,” the brunette said hurriedly. The blonde could hear the panic rising in the other’s voice, and he figured he would do as he was asked. He would try again later to see if this was just a coerced agreement because Leon was scared or if the Carrier actually meant what he said. In the meantime, he would have to contemplate how far he was willing to take this intimidation in order to get what he was promised.

“Fine,” the Charge agreed flatly. It took him a moment, but he was able to pull himself up enough to stand so he could leave.

Once Cloud was gone, Leon’s suffocating fear didn’t dissipate right away. He was frozen in place for what felt like an eternity, but then the fear was slowly replaced by an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. He was pathetic, and he was painfully aware of it. He had the strength and the ability to fight back, but he didn’t. He hadn’t pushed Cloud away in the prison, and he couldn’t bring himself to do it now. In that moment, he wondered if he had actually escaped his cell, or if he had just inadvertently took it with him. His Charge was effectively his prison now, and Leon sincerely doubted he had the mental fortitude to escape. His mind was in pieces, fragments of what they once were and could’ve been, and he couldn’t find the tweezers he needed in order to put it back together by himself.

\----------------

“You’re really not angry at me?” Reno asked, sounding sheepish. It was the first real conversation he had had with Leon since the brunette’s episode, and he was nervous. Tifa had spent the most time around Leon while he was recovering, and in addition to that, the russet Carrier hadn’t made an effort to reconnect with anyone so the mysteries around what had happened to him were still somewhat vague and debatable.

“I’m not, no,” Leon said, folding another shirt and adding it to the pile next to him. He had finally gotten around to unpacking everything from the few bags he and Cloud had brought with them. He pulled out another shirt and stopped, staring at the fabric in his hand with a blank expression and a void temperament. It wasn’t his. It wasn’t Cloud’s. But the smell was very familiar. Before he could dredge up any coherent thought about it, he tossed it aside and continued digging in his bag.

“Don’t like this one?” Reno asked, picking the shirt up from the floor.

“Throw it out for me,” Leon said.

“Oh. Okay. Doesn’t it fit?”

“It’s not mine.”

“Cloud’s?”

“Just throw it out, Reno,” Leon repeated, giving the redhead a tiny glare. Reno frowned a bit and held the shirt out at arm’s length and looked it over. There wasn’t anything remarkable about it; it was just a solid black t-shirt. He made a thoughtful face before balling it up and stuffing half of it in his back pocket so he would remember to take it with him when he left to do as he was told.

“I’m glad you’re not angry at me,” the redhead said, taking a seat on the end of Leon’s bed as the brunette worked.

“Should I be?”

“I would be.”

“I would be angry if I didn’t agree with you. What I was doing was stupid and meaningless. It would’ve gone absolutely nowhere had I continued and I would’ve driven myself insane,” Leon said, his voice somewhat monotone. Admitting his pathetic psychosis gave him another kick to his already incapacitated pride, but what other option did he have? Further arguing his point with Reno would just end in another fight, and the last thing Leon wanted in that moment was to make his friend worry even more. The guilt he felt was already too much. He wouldn’t admit that he still thought about the pads of paper that had been taken from him and the work he had put into his inane scribbling. He still believed there was something to be done there, even if he agreed he was being ridiculous about it.

“Yeah…” Reno trailed. His father’s intrigue towards Leon’s writings bothered him. Both Marcus and Idania were extremely intelligent, and it was scary to think they could make sense of what his feline friend was getting at. The fact that Leon could compile so much information in such a short amount of time and from out of nowhere was almost as scary as it was impressive. He felt like he had squashed the brunette’s genius spirit and prevented him from discovering something huge. But, he wouldn’t let Leon write himself into a corner again. It was for his friend’s own good.

“Was that all you needed to tell me?” Leon questioned. The redhead raised a brow.

“I guess, yeah. Why? Did you need me to leave?”

“No, but it feels like there’s more that you’re avoiding.”

“Sort of,” Reno said, pulling his legs up on the bed with him. “Has Cloud put two-and-two together and figured out that you’re the same as mom and me? Has he asked you about changing yet?”

“No. Should he have?”

“Well, I talked to Rude a couple days ago and explained it to him a little more. I guess he asked Zack about it later and Cloud was there, so I had to explain it to him too once I saw him afterward. He didn’t ask about you or Tifa, though. I was just curious.”

“He hasn’t said anything. If he figured it out, I’m sure he would’ve,” Leon said. He let out a tiny sigh when he remembered that changing forms was a conversation he and his Charge would eventually have to have. He could imagine the hurtful names the blonde would have for him afterward. “How did Rude take it?”

“Well, he approached me about it so I think he was a little better prepared that time. After I told him what was going on, he asked me to change for him,” the redhead explained, bringing his legs up to his chest and hugging them. He rested his chin on his knees.

“How did that go?”

“My back was to him until I finished, but when I looked at him again I could tell he was trying really really hard to cope. It took him a while but he eventually sat with me and poked at my face.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah. I’m proud of him,” Reno said, smiling a bit. He would’ve been more excited to talk about his experience but Leon’s somber atmosphere was killing his enthusiasm. “How do you think Cloud will take it? Do you plan on telling him soon?”

 _All I’d be doing is giving him more excuses to call me disgusting_ , the brunette thought. Outwardly, he shrugged. “I have no idea. I can’t imagine it would go over very well. I’m not looking forward to it.”

“He’d probably be happier with it if he saw Tifa change first.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She has to get undressed in order to do it.”

“Ah, yes. How could I forget?”

“He’s such a creep. He’s always watching her. It’s weird,” Reno said with a scowl.

“He could be molesting her.”

“This is true, but that doesn’t make it any less creepy.”

“Well, maybe it’s a sign of change then,” Leon said, shuffling around in his bag to look for any stray socks. “Before, when he was living on the military base, he would only get really obnoxious when he was on Mako, drunk, or some combination of both. After Aerith died, he stopped trying to keep control of himself, but even then he was really methodical about picking which girls he took back to his room. Maybe he’s trying to do the same thing now but because he’s sober, he’s second guessing what he’s doing,” the brunette said.

“That’s strangely optimistic of you.”

“I’m constantly looking for reasons to not hate him, because I really wish I didn’t. But I do. It’s encouraging to know that he’s been aware of Tifa for a week and hasn’t randomly shoved his hands down her pants yet,” Leon said.

“Oh. And here I thought you were getting sappy on me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you hardly ever say anything positive about yourself or Cloud.”

Leon glanced over his shoulder at his friend briefly, preparing to argue with him. But he couldn’t. Reno was right. He looked down at the pile of folded clothes in his lap and sighed. “Well, aside from Tifa not being part of Cloud’s habit of molesting people, there isn’t a whole lot between us to be positive about. If you didn’t already know that. Thanks for the reminder.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Leon said, taking up Cloud’s pile of folded clothes. He stepped into the bathroom between their rooms and set them on the blonde’s sink for him to eventually find. The likelihood of Cloud being in his room was too high for the brunette’s tastes, so he didn’t want to chance seeing his Charge again so soon after having a panic attack.

“Are you hungry? I’m sort of hungry,” Reno asked when Leon came back. The feline Carrier shrugged.

“Not really but I can come with you,” he said. The redhead smiled and stood.

Upstairs in the main living space was a mixture of emotions brought on by two polar opposite scenes. Zack and Tifa were spread out along the sofa together under a blanket. Tifa seemed to be asleep with her face resting against her Charge’s chest, and Zack was reading something on his tablet. It was a nice peaceful scene and Leon was okay with it. However, opposite of them sitting at the table was Cloud. As soon as Leon rounded the corner, the blonde’s eyes were fixed on him as he quietly picked at his lunch. Again, the brunette felt an uncomfortable prickliness bleed over his skin in response.

“Hey,” Zack said quietly, bringing his hand up to gently comb his fingers through Tifa’s hair.

“Hm?” she hummed in response, clearly not completely awake.

“He’s here,” her Charge responded. The woman took in a long breath through her nose before letting it out slowly.

“So he is,” she confirmed.

“Did you seriously just do that?” Zack asked, wrinkling his nose.

“Do what?”

“Tried to smell him from across the room?”

“Maybe.”

“That’s weird, Tifa.”

“That’s laziness, Zack.”

“It’s weird laziness.”

“Perhaps. You’re just jealous you can’t do it, though. Jealousy isn’t very sexy.”

“Wasn’t trying to be,” Zack said with a tiny sigh. Tifa laughed a bit under her breath before slowly pushing herself up onto all fours. She stretched in place; flexing every muscle she could in order to relieve the stiffness that had built up. Zack, having been forced out of his comfortable reading position, set his tablet against her breasts like an easel as they hung in front of him.

“Very funny,” she muttered. Using her hand, she tapped the back of the device and made it fall forward. “Get out of here with that, rude bastard,” she grumbled. Zack grinned. With a huff, his Carrier scooted off him and stood.

Leon half expected Tifa to approach him, but to his surprise she stepped in front of Reno and blocked his path to the refrigerator. Her body language seemed off to the brunette, and he furrowed his brows together. Without invitation, the woman slid her hands up the redhead’s chest and draped her arms loosely over his shoulders. She buried her face in the side of his neck and laid a tiny peck over his pulse. Reno’s posture stiffened and he held up his hands up as if he was surrendering. He turned panicked wide eyes to Zack and stared at the man as if he was going to jump off the couch and strangle him. The Charge didn’t seem concerned, though.

“Zack, I swear on everything I have that this is not something I asked for,” the redhead muttered nervously. His eyes darted between the other man and Tifa quickly.

“Laying it on a little thick, Tifa,” Zack said, his eyes still glued to his tablet. In response, his Carrier laughed and pressed herself up against Reno properly, hugging him.

“Am I missing something?” Reno asked, his voice strained as if he found it hard to breathe.

“Last week Leon said you were having some issues and Zack and I would like to offer to help fix them,” Tifa said, nuzzling the soft skin under his jaw.

“Issues,” the redhead deadpanned. He looked over his shoulder at Leon. “Seriously? You’re trying to get me laid? That’s beyond cute, man. You don’t even understand,” Reno said with a rapidly spreading grin. Leon shrugged.

“I didn’t even know I was when the conversation started. It was an accident,” the brunette said.

“Which is even cuter, really. If it had happened any other way I’d think it was weird,” the redhead said, laughing under his breath. He turned his attention back to Tifa. “However,” he said, reaching behind himself to grab her wrists. He gently untangled her from his torso and put her hands together, covering them with his own. “I went to Leon because I knew he could keep a secret, which I’m a little ashamed to admit,” he said, clearing his throat with a tiny frown. “If you give me three minutes to talk to Rude about it, I’ll give you an answer. I don’t know you well enough to just go into this blindly.”

“Does Rude want to come with?” Tifa asked with genuine interest.

“Jesus Tifa,” Zack said.

“Can Cloud come with?” the blonde asked from the dining table.

“No,” Tifa, Zack, and Leon all said at the same time. There was a short pause in the conversation as Cloud stared at all of them, absolutely aghast.

“Well fine. Fuck all of you then,” he said crankily. He glared at Leon. “I don’t see why you get to have an opinion about this.”

“Because the last thing that needs to happen is rewarding your awful behavior with sex. If you haven’t noticed, you’re an asshole,” Leon said, folding his arms over his chest.

“Agreed,” Tifa and Zack said.

“If I promise not to be an asshole?” Cloud asked.

“Talk to me in a couple years after the Midgar is beaten out of you,” Zack said.

“Why does it have to be _beaten_ out of me?”

“Because that’s how it happens. Trust me.”

“Anyway,” Reno said, steering the conversation back to where it had started. “Three minutes,” he said, giving Tifa a smile. She let out an exaggerated sigh.

“Yeah, okay, fine,” she said with a huff. She pulled away from him and went to go sit with her Charge again. Reno left quickly afterward. Zack turned on his side so she could sit in front of him and use his stomach as a backrest. She sighed again. “Being a woman is hard,” she said. Zack patted her thigh.

“I know, sugar,” he said. From the dining table, Cloud let out an indignant snort.

“If you say so,” the blonde said. Tifa glared at him.

“Actually, what she says is true. Where we come from, women do have a more difficult time,” Leon said. He went over to the sofa and sat on the arm rest opposite from Tifa and Zack. “Where you’re from, men are expected to join the military at a certain age and they pay their dues that way and end up dead half the time as a result. But there is no military where we’re from. There is no war. There aren’t enough people for it. In a sense, that puts men and women on equal platforms but women are expected to do everything men do but have the added responsibility of birthing children and being mothers.”

“There is a rising trend of more stay-at-home fathers, though,” Zack interjected.

“But have they raised the regulation on maternity leave? Can they still be fired from their jobs if they’re out too long because they squeezed an entire human out of themselves?”

“Er… yes.”

“Then a stay-at-home father doesn’t do very much good unless he wants to be like a seahorse and carry the kids for her. The double standard is still there.”

“True.”

“How is there no war?” Cloud asked, his face twisted in confusion. “Someone has to want something from someone else, right?”

“Not necessarily. The world we live in had a gigantic war a very long time ago and it cut the population down to next to nothing,” Leon said. He took a moment to think of the numbers in terms the blonde would understand. “It’s like…” he trailed, scowling a bit as he struggled. “Okay, pretend Midgar is the entire world. It’s a pretty big place, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Now pretend the entirety of the country was wiped out except Nibelheim. That’s a lot of people missing.”

“Right.”

“That’s basically what happened. There were so many people countries involved in the same war, they just obliterated each other. The entire planet suffered because of it. Not everyone died from bullets and explosions, though. Right after a truce was called, the next twenty years or so were people suffocating and starving because of all the pollution and chemicals in the environment from the war. Rivers and lakes turned toxic because they were so full of bodies, entire agricultural civilizations starved and ceased to be, forests burned because the sun got so hot; a whole bunch of bad stuff happened.”

“How did anyone survive?”

“If you had the means to build shelters when things were getting bad, you usually survived with some exception. For example, the United States was the richest world economy prior to the war. However, they started it. They didn’t survive because they were blown to pieces. The entire country is essentially a crater. However their neighbors to the north of them, a place called Canada, had part of their population saved because they were pretty well off at the time economically and their government decided not to participate and instead save its people. Afterward, a lot of people died because of starvation, but the initial survival rates were pretty high. The poorest overall economy was the continent of Africa and hardly anyone there died in the war because they didn’t really participate. But their government didn’t have the means to help them very much and almost everyone from there died in the aftermath. So it was give and take depending on the country’s stability when it started,” Leon explained.

“That’s why we’re taking you and Rude away from here. You two have the potential to help us rebuild, and in the near future we expect to see this world fall into the same way as our world. Midgar is killing the planet with their selfishness and it won’t be around much longer,” Zack said.

“Right. But there are so few people on our planet that everyone lives under one world government. No one fights because the world is so dead that there’s not much to fight over. There’s civil unrest in certain parts of the world but it’s not on such a huge scale that you could call it a _war_ per se,” Leon continued.

“I see,” Cloud said. He leaned back in his chair, looking contemplative. Tifa huffed another impatient sigh and fidgeted in her seat, staring at the floor with a dejected face. The blonde looked at her with a raised brow. “Will someone help the poor woman? She’s obviously in need. I’d do it but you all won’t let me.”

“We well soon. Don’t worry about it,” Zack said.

“Am I right in thinking that this is strange? I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman so…” the blonde trailed, looking Tifa over suspiciously.

“Impatient?” Leon attempted.

“ _Horny_ is the word you’re looking for,” Tifa said. Cloud laughed.

“Right. I was trying to find another word for it, but yeah.”

“I hate it,” Tifa said.

“Tifa functions differently than human women. Reno mentioned to me that he went over changing forms with you, did he explain what Carrier’s are properly?” Leon asked.

“Sort of. He said a lot of things but I couldn’t follow very well,” the blonde said.

“Do you understand Totems?”

“The animals or whatever?”

“Yes. Okay, let me ask you this, then: do you remember the cats that used to live in the house next door to you in Nibelheim?” Leon asked. Cloud furrowed his brows.

“The loud ones? Yeah.”

“Do you remember ever seeing the female one stick her ass in the air and shove it in the male one’s face?” the brunette asked.

“Oh _come on_! Really, Leon? Do you have to phrase it like _that_?” Tifa whined, her face turning red.

“What do you want me to say? If I say ‘estrous’ he’s not going to understand. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Leon said.

“When you put that way it is!”

“Wait…” Cloud said as he started to laugh some. “Wait… are you seriously trying to tell me Tifa is in heat? Like a cat?”

“You know what estrous is?” Leon asked, raising his brows in surprise.

“No.”

“Oh.”

“But I know what it’s called when lady cats shove their junk in male cat’s faces. I’m not that stupid.”

“Saves me an explanation, then,” Leon said with a shrug.

“You’re serious,” Cloud confirmed.

“Yes.”

“That is the _weirdest_ thing. The hell is wrong with you people?”

“It’s not weird. It’s something that happens quite frequently where I’m from.” the brunette said.

“I hate it,” Tifa repeated.

“It’s weird,” Cloud insisted.

“Shut _up_ , man,” Zack interjected, sending a searing glare in the blonde’s direction. “It’s not weird.”

“Yes it is,” Tifa agreed. Her Charged looked to her, brows furrowed. “It’s inhuman,” she continued.

“So what if it is? That doesn’t mean it’s weird. That just means humans don’t experience it. Why would you want to be more human, anyway? Humans are terrible,” Zack said.

“If I was human I wouldn’t be treated like a piece of dirt,” Tifa concluded.

“But you’re only treated like that because humans are terrible; not because there’s anything actually wrong with you.”

“When half your mannerisms make you feel like an animal instead of a person, it makes you believe there’s something wrong with you after a while. I don’t expect you to understand.”

“I understand perfectly. However, what you’re missing is the fact that you’re not human. You’re a Carrier, something that’s better. Everyone else can think what they want about it, but it doesn’t change the fact that you serve a higher purpose which is amazing and awesome and perfect. Which means _you’re_ amazing, awesome, and perfect. So I don’t want to hear it,” Zack said.

“Yeah, but—“

“Tifa,” the man said, holding up a hand to stop her from continuing. “Don’t try to convince me you’re a piece of dirt. Because no matter what you do, or how you do it, you will never – and I mean _never_ – convince me you’re anything but amazing, awesome, and perfect. So stop trying,” Zack explained. Tifa was quiet for several moments as they gazed at one another. Eventually, she took a deep breath and nodded, her cheeks turning a bit pink.

“Okay,” she said quietly. She scooted around in her seat until she could lift up their blanket and crawl under it with him again. Stretching out along Zack’s body, the woman hugged him around his neck and peppered his cheek with kisses.

\-----------

Reno was pacing. He was extremely nervous. His relationship with Rude was in a very precarious state and he couldn’t decide if bringing up Tifa’s proposal was a good idea or not. He would either offend Rude horribly, disgust him, or appeal to his baser instincts of wanting no-strings-attached effortless sex. He knew those instincts were in his Charge somewhere; he had seen them on several occasions. They just weren’t occasions where Rude was aware that Reno knew about them, was all. The likelihood of the former two options happening, though, seemed much more realistic to the redhead. But, if he didn’t offer anything to his friend and Rude found out later, he might be offended anyway. The right choice was to say something, he knew, but his heart wouldn’t stop beating out of control regardless. Steeling himself, Reno took a deep breath and knocked on his Charge’s door.

“Hey,” Rude said, looking like he had just woken up. He was rubbing one of his eyes tiredly.

“I’m sorry, were you asleep?” Reno asked.

“No, I was trying to read but falling asleep against my will. Glad you’re here. I need a distraction.”

“Oh do you? Because I have the _biggest_ distraction you could imagine.”

“Now you have me a little scared,” Rude said, raising a brow.

“Do you think Tifa is pretty?” Reno asked abruptly.

“Uh… yes?”

“Do you think Zack is pretty?”

“I don’t know? Pretty as in ‘if he was a woman’ pretty? Or just pretty on his own?”

“On his own.”

“I have a neutral opinion of him. I never thought to think of him that way.”

“Damn, okay,” Reno said, making a thoughtful face.

“Can you please just tell me what you wanted to do?”

“I don’t know how to say it,” the redhead admitted, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “Tifa…ah… hm,” he trailed with a bit of a sigh. The wording was easy, but he was dreading the reaction. “She… uh…”

“What about Tifa?”

“She offered something to me. To us.”

“Yeah?”

“Not sure if you’re going to like it.”

“Is it going to kill or maim me?”

“No.”

“Then it probably isn’t as big of a deal as you’re making it.”

“Very true,” Reno agreed. “She asked if we wanted to join her and Zack,” he said. He quickly realized that he had just told his Charge essentially nothing. “In their bedroom,” he added. There was a short pause. “Naked. And fucking,” he finished. Rude furrowed his brows together and stared at him strangely.

“Wait… really?” the Charge asked, the surprise obvious on his face.

“Yep. Really really,” Reno said.

“Both of us?”

“Both of us.”

“Huh…” Rude drawled thoughtfully. He was quiet for a moment. “Well that’s rather daring of her isn’t it? Zack doesn’t care?”

“No, he seemed fine with it. He was there when she brought it up.”

“I see. When?”

“I told her three minutes so I could come ask you. I got the impression it was supposed to happen ASAP.”

“Oh. Wow. Okay, uh…”

“If you don’t want to, then you don’t have to. I’m just the messenger here.”

“This is something I never imagined happening to me. I have no idea what to think.”

“You could always come with me and if you’re really not feeling it, then you can leave. It’s not a huge deal. Plus, even if we leave it’s not like Zack is going to. She’ll still have someone.”

“Would you stay if I left?” Rude asked. Reno hesitated. He wasn’t sure how he should interpret the reason behind asking such a question. Would it matter if he stayed behind after Rude left? Would his Charge be upset? Jealous? How much would it suck if he did leave, though? Would Reno regret missing out on all the fun later? Probably. But would it be worth possibly upsetting his Charge? Probably not.

“Well, I mean, if you up and leave once we’re in there knee deep, yeah I’d probably stay just because blue balls are _really_ uncomfortable,” the redhead said. “But before that? No. I’d leave with you.”

“I wouldn’t leave in the middle of everything. That’s just cruel,” Rude said.

“Glad you agree. So… is this okay? Did you want to come with?”

“I…” the Charge trailed. He hesitated, thinking carefully about how comfortable he felt about the whole situation. There was a certain amount of anxiety he felt not because of performance or measuring up, but because he didn’t know what it would do to his relationship with Reno. That’s _if_ it did anything to their relationship. Even if something did happen, he couldn’t tell if it would be good or bad. It was scary, but he couldn’t deny what a unique opportunity was. When else was he going to be able to do something wild without being judged for it, he wondered? Probably never. It’d seem like a waste to sit out. “…Sure,” he finished finally.

“You don’t seem completely convinced.”

“I’m not, but we’ll see how it goes.”

“Deal,” Reno agreed.

The pair left together and made their way back upstairs where not much had changed. Tifa had squashed herself under the blanket with Zack again, Leon had sat down, and Cloud was still looking surly. Within a moment of rounding the corner Tifa’s attention snapped to Reno and Rude and she let out a tiny cheer. To both Reno and Rude, Tifa’s behavior was strange. She seemed too excited, too ready to go, and too happy. She had wound her limbs around Zack like a koala and hung on him as he sat up and eventually stood.

“Ready?” the raven-haired Charge asked the pair as he wove his arms under Tifa’s butt like a seat.

“Is this seriously happening?” Cloud butted in, giving the group a disturbed glare as they all headed towards the open bedroom.

“Yeah. It is. Is there a problem with that?” Zack asked, sending the blonde a deep scowl.

“Yeah. I’m not invited. That’s a problem. You can’t solicit sex from a group without including everyone. That’s just rude,” Cloud insisted, folding his arms over his chest.

“Says the guy that makes fun of the dying deaf man. Right. Let me get right on that invite, jackhole. Don’t like how I run things? Then you better get over yourself really fast and earn my respect,” Zack said. Tifa sat back on his arms, making an exaggerated thinking face as she counted her fingers. She then turned and pointed to each of her partners in turn as she counted them as well. She looked to Cloud and shrugged.

“Sorry. All my parking spaces are taken,” she said simply. Zack barked a laugh and started off for the bedroom again with Reno and Rude following close behind. The woman leaned forward until she had mostly draped herself over her Charge’s shoulder. She looked at the following pair imploringly. “Are either of you boys into pegging?” she asked curiously.

“Ooo…” Reno started, his enthusiasm bright at first but it quickly died when he remembered Rude was standing next to him. He let out an embarrassed laugh as he cast a sidelong glance up at his Charge. “Don’t judge me,” he said sheepishly, chewing on a fingernail for a moment.

“I don’t even know what that is, Reno,” Rude said. The redhead grinned.

“Good,” he said before turning his attention back to Tifa. “I’ll take a rain check on that if I can.”

“Sure!” Tifa said enthusiastically with a wide smile.

The door slid closed behind them and the room was plunged into silence. Leon watched his Charge closely as the blonde angrily glared at the door as if it had personally offended him. The jealousy was obvious. He eventually heaved a heavy sigh and ran a hand through his hair before turning his attention elsewhere. Hostile eyes fell on Leon and the Carrier switched his attention to the floor. The uneasiness crept over his skin again and made him shiver. Cloud stood from his seat and headed for the stairs.

“Come on,” the blonde said, motioning for his Carrier to follow him. Leon hesitated, recalling the last time his Charge was denied relief from his apparent frustrations.

“Where are we going?” he asked flatly.

“Outside,” Cloud said, stopping in the doorway that led out into the foyer and down the staircase.

“What for?” Leon asked.

“You’re going to show me this Totem bullshit you were talking about.”

“….What if I don’t want to?”

“Too fucking bad? I don’t care what you want. I’m getting really tired of waiting for something amazing to happen. You owe me the promises you made. So we’re going to go outside and you’re going to show me something new,” the blonde explained, his impatience palpable.

Leon heaved a heavy sigh, debating what it was worth if he attempted to stall. Showing his Charge his Primal form was something that needed to happen, but he hadn’t anticipated having to do it so soon. There wasn’t much else he could show the blonde, and if he tried to put it off, Cloud would undoubtedly become angry which was something the Carrier wanted to avoid. In the end, he decided it wasn’t worth it and figured it was better to get it over with quickly rather than prolong the stress of trying to avoid it. He slowly stood and quietly followed his Charge outside. They headed for the delta that was barely used.

“Okay. Go ahead,” the blonde said when they were finally in the clearing. He stood off to the side with his arms crossed over his chest and a sour expression. Leon stood as far away from him as reasonably possible, watching the grass. He suddenly felt like he was an attraction in a side-show; an oddity that was put up on display for people to gawk at and lose themselves in its strangeness. He didn’t want to change, and he didn’t want to get naked in front of Cloud in order to do it.

“Turn around,” the brunette muttered.

“Why? I want to see.”

“I have to get undressed otherwise my clothes will strangle me.”

“You’re serious?” the blonde asked flatly, sounding annoyed.

“Yes,” Leon said.

Cloud sighed impatiently. “Fine,” he clipped, turning his back to the brunette.

Leon didn’t like how unsettled he felt. There was a strong underlying fear creeping on the edges of his periphery that he could barely understand. He felt intimidated, and in turn the realization made him feel incredibly weak. He was afraid of what Cloud would say about him and what the blonde would do. In an attempt to feel better about it, he turned away from his Charge and tried to forget he was there. It proved to be a useless effort because as soon as he managed to pull his shirt over his head, an overwhelming sense of paranoia choked him.

The Carrier realized that not only would Cloud bear witness to his Primal form, but he would see the scars on his body that Leon himself could barely stand to look at. He felt horrendously exposed, and the feeling was compounded by how pathetic he knew he was acting. Cloud wasn’t even looking at him, nor did he have any interest in the brunette’s body normally. Not only that, but Leon had more than enough strength to defend himself; he didn’t need to be so afraid. But he was. His legs started to feel weak the longer he stood in place. He eventually couldn’t take it anymore and took the ground. With shaking hands he hugged his knees to his chest and balanced on the balls of his feet as he attempted to hide.

“For fuck’s sake,” Cloud spat, turning around when he felt Leon had had enough time. The brunette’s sad display was not what he had expected to see. It was pitiable but it only succeeded in making him angrier. Stomping around to the Carrier’s front, he squatted down and craned his neck so he could see the brunette’s face. Leon looked to be on the verge of tears. “Is there a problem?”

“I can’t…” Leon said, his voice barely above a whisper as his fear strangled the words.

“Can’t? Or won’t?” the blonde asked impatiently. “Is this a really elaborate joke or something? Because I’m not laughing.”

“No,” the Carrier said, turning his face away from his Charge’s. Cloud switched positions so Leon could see him again.

“I’m tired of you. You’re a fucking liar, you know that? I hate liars. This is my life you’re fucking with, here. Do you get it?” the blonde asked. Leon gave him a tiny nod. He understood what he was doing, but he couldn’t help himself. “I don’t think you do,” Cloud continued.

“Stop,” the brunette said. He was a hair’s breadth away from sounding like he was begging. “I’m sorry,” he added, hoping the blonde would back off.

“You’re sorry?” his Charge parroted. He let the phrase sink in for a very brief second before his expression turned from angry to absolutely livid. Reaching out, he grabbed a fistful of the Carrier’s hair and pushed back, forcing Leon to look at him. The brunette’s hands went up to take hold of the other’s forearm and wrist, his face grimacing with the pain. Cloud shook him. “This is my life! You can’t back out of this and just apologize and expect it to fix everything! I believed you like an idiot and now I’m fucking trapped here with you! You’re going to give me the things you promised me, you hear me?! ‘Sorry’ isn’t going to make this go away!”

“Please stop,” Leon said hoarsely. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely keep his grip on the blonde’s arm. Instead of obeying, Cloud abruptly stood and pulled the Carrier up by his hair until he was kneeling in front of him. The t-shirt Leon had been hiding behind fell away, exposing his scar laden front. He immediately dropped his arms and attempted to cover himself with little success.

“Well those are attractive,” the blonde sneered, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He wrinkled his nose in disgust at the disfiguring marks. He had to bend uncomfortably in order to see them and grew tired of it after hardly a second. His hand let go of Leon’s hair, but only just long enough to move it down to the brunette’s throat. The Carrier let out an audible gasp as he felt his windpipe squeezed uncomfortably. Cloud pushed him back by his neck, forcing Leon to lean backwards so his torso was open to the light.

“Please…” the brunette squeaked weakly against the hand on his throat. He felt like a piece of meat being looked over by a butcher; being judged for quality and failing miserably.

“How much of you is covered in these?” Cloud asked, genuinely curious. He hooked a finger in the top hem of Leon’s pants and pulled the fabric outwards, attempting to see the Carrier’s hip. With another gasp, panic sparked in the back of Leon’s mind and his hands immediately grabbed at the blonde’s arm, trying to shove him away. Tears sprang to his eyes as paralyzing fear overwhelmed him. He coughed out a hoarse sob, which pulled Cloud’s attention away from the scars.

Searing blue eyes bored holes into Leon’s face as Cloud carefully watched the Carrier break apart. The brunette had his eyes squeezed shut as he waited for things to progress further and for the inevitable pain and abuse. The humiliation was already there; he didn’t have to wait for that anymore. Cloud couldn’t conceptualize what Leon was doing. The Carrier had claimed he would always be stronger than the blonde. So why wasn’t Leon fighting back? It would’ve been easy enough; the Charge wasn’t holding him in place with very much effort. The fact that there was no resistance didn’t make any sense.

However, he could see he had done enough. Leon was useless to him for the rest of the day now that he was a broken mess, so the blonde didn’t feel the need to prolong things anymore. He let go of the Carrier and stood straight, crossing his arms over his chest. The bubbling anger still swirled under his skin, but he was satisfied. For now. Leon coughed a few times once he was released and doubled over to hug himself, his entire body shaking with quiet sobs. Curling up, he kept his forehead to the ground and tried to disappear.

“You’re going to start cooperating, otherwise next time I‘ll take a knife to your skin and give you even more scars to cry about. Do you understand?” Cloud asked, his voice as cold as ice.

Leon, frozen in place, could only nod.


	66. Chapter 66

Chapter 66

Six months passed. The air between Leon and Cloud didn’t clear, but it settled into a constant game of semi-peaceful cat-and-mouse. The Carrier wasn’t the cat, though. So long as Leon did as he was told and gave Cloud what he wanted when he wanted it, everything was fine; they kept their distance from one another and Cloud didn’t work to shove Leon into a corner and scare him into submission. After a while, the brunette grew used to their way of coexisting. He kept to himself unless someone wanted something from him, and he made an effort to come up with simple things he could teach his Charge in order to keep the blonde’s anger at bay.

Physically, Cloud was doing better. He was by no means a marathon runner, but he was getting to the point where he could walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like he had just climbed a mountain. Leon refused to do any sort of physical training with him under the guise of having never done any proper workouts before. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but there were so many other reasons the Carrier didn’t want to touch his Charge that he couldn’t bring himself to say. Surprisingly, Zack and Rude volunteered to help Cloud out and they routinely ran the blonde ragged, which Leon was very thankful for. The pair kept a close eye on Cloud though, and made sure he didn’t push himself too much so he didn’t hurt his heart more than it already was.

All-in-all things were quiet, and Leon couldn’t find much to complain about without thinking he was being unreasonable. He agreed with Cloud when the blonde got angry with him. He agreed that the way he had been treating his Charge wasn’t exactly hospitable and it did seem like the entire plan was a giant farce. As a Carrier, Leon had done nothing of use for his Charge, and he knew it wasn’t the best way to handle things. Despite the way Cloud treated him, the brunette didn’t see how things could work out any other way. He deserved it, after all. The only thing that had been keeping the whole project from falling apart before was a wall of ice that Cloud couldn’t get past.

So, instead of continuing to fail and relying on the ice to keep his Charge with him, Leon gave the blonde everything he asked for. They weren’t unreasonable demands; they were things that the Carrier would’ve needed to do for him anyway. The only problem was that Leon didn’t have very many materials at his disposal, so making lessons and learning tools was a very long process. He had to write everything out by hand, and he spent many hours and sleepless nights slowly plugging away at a pad of paper attempting to come up with a lesson plan and accompanying assignments the blonde could understand.

All of Cloud’s lessons were done away from everyone else. After the first few, Leon could tell that the whole process picked at the blonde’s pride in the worst ways possible. His Charge never complained about it, but when they were in the common gathering spaces, he would stop what he was working on every time someone walked by or hung around. He’d watch them closely and make sure they couldn’t see what he was doing, and then he’d start again once they left. That was when Leon decided they should go elsewhere instead of letting Cloud feel like he was being tormented the entire time. Once they made a habit of finding seclusion, the blonde began finishing his work almost twice as fast and was more open to asking questions.

There was a lot of repetition. Leon found himself copying the same lessons over and over in an attempt to force the information past his Charge’s memory issues. He would have to go back and review the material again and again for weeks at a time just so he knew that Cloud retained it and they could move on. It was a very long and arduous process, but by the six month mark the blonde knew the alphabet, how to count past a hundred, and could write. He couldn’t spell anything other than his name, but he could write his letters and numbers, which was more than he ever knew before. Cloud didn’t seem all that impressed with himself, but Leon was thrilled about it.

“I’m proud of you,” Leon said, shuffling the papers from the day’s lessons together. He was exhausted from having stayed up for most of the previous night, but seeing all of the blonde’s work come together was worth the effort to him. Cloud didn’t respond to him, though. His Charge had his elbow on his knee and his face cradled against his palm with his eyes focused on the grass in front of him. He picked at the soft blades idly. “Not satisfied?” the Carrier questioned.

“I should’ve known this stuff years ago,” the blonde said flatly. Everyone else in the world learned how to write and how to count eons ago, and even though he was catching up, Cloud couldn’t feel very proud of himself. Leon complimenting him felt more like an insult than praise because the blonde didn’t think his tiny bit of progress was enough to be happy about. He had a very long way to go and he was dreading how much time it would take. Needing to be reminded over and over again what he was supposed to be learning didn’t help his confidence, either.

“This is true, but that isn’t your fault,” Leon continued.

“I hate that I feel so spiteful towards Nana,” Cloud mumbled. “She could’ve at least let me sit in when she was teaching Aerith things. But she didn’t.”

“She was very sick. She could only do so much.”

“I know. Which is why I feel so terrible for hating her for it,” the blonde sighed, running a hand over his face.

“She also didn’t have much confidence in you actually having a life once you left home. Most boys didn’t. Can’t really blame her for being practical about it.”

“I know.”

“You’ll get there.”

“If you say so.”

“I know so,” Leon said matter-of-factly. He finished pulling the papers together and putting them in the proper order. They shared an awkward silence that lasted a little too long for the Carrier’s tastes. He tapped his hands on his lap impatiently and looked the blonde over. He had found that if he left before Cloud told him they were done the blonde would get angry at him. Most of the time, the brunette felt like he was walking on eggshells; it made spending non-teaching time with his Charge very difficult. “Did you need anything else? I don’t have anything more for you to do today. I need a couple days to write up more lessons,” the Carrier eventually asked.

Cloud seemed to be in a daze. He glanced at Leon briefly before shrugging. “No. You’re fine,” he finally said, effectively giving the Carrier permission to leave.

“Okay,” Leon responded, pushing himself up. He took his leave quietly, the tension in his shoulders loosening the further away from his Charge he got. By the time he reached the inn again, he could breathe normally. Feeling like he had managed to successfully dodge a bullet, he went to go find himself something to eat.

\--------------------------

“Leon,” Reno said gently, laying his hand on the brunette’s shoulder and lightly shaking him.

“Hmn?” the brunette grunted, trying to hold on to the sleep as much as he could. It was a few weeks later and the feline Carrier had spent most of the previous evening mulling over lesson plans for Cloud. It was now late morning and Reno had wanted to talk to his friend since he woke up several hours earlier.

“Leon,” the redhead persisted, shaking the other Carrier more. It took a couple more minutes but Leon eventually pried his eyes open. Reno frowned, taking in the bags under the brunette’s eyes. “You look so exhausted. I’m sorry. I just really wanted to talk to you.”

“Wha’s th’matter?” Leon slurred tiredly. He pushed himself away from the edge of the bed slowly and made a space for Reno next to him. The redhead shuffled out of his shoes and quickly scooted under the blankets with him. Pulling the covers up to his nose, he gave the brunette wide worried eyes.

“Dad’s not doing so great. He’s not eating,” the bovine Carrier mumbled sadly. The words slowly slogged through the grogginess clogging up Leon’s thinking space and swirled around for a moment until he could process them. Marcus was dying. He knew since he had met the man that the Charge would be leaving for the afterlife in the near future, but it was still a bit of a shock to hear. Shiva had done Marcus many favors by taking his pain away, and the man had spent the last several months happier than he had been in a while. He had been declining slowly, but it had been happening for so long that it seemed like he would never actually die. But he was.

“’M sorry,” the brunette mumbled, sliding a hand across the bed. He plopped his palm against the side of Reno’s face heavily before gently running his fingers through the other’s hair.

“Ow,” the redhead grunted as he was more or less slapped.

“Sorry. Not intentional,” Leon said sleepily. He sucked in a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly, willing himself to wake up.

“I don’t know what to do. Mom isn’t saying a whole lot, she’s going to go with him, and I don’t even know what to do with them when they’re gone. Do the Shumi people bury their deceased? I don’t think I’ve heard of any of them dying recently,” Reno asked.

“I get the impression they live for forever,” Leon said. With a tired grumble, he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Reno took that as an opportunity to pull himself across the bed and curl up against the brunette’s side. The redhead rested his face on Leon’s chest and let out a dejected sigh. The brunette resumed combing his fingers through the other’s hair, making an effort to string his fingers through the long tail Reno kept at the base of his skull.

“Yeah maybe,” the redhead said. “I don’t even know how to ask anyone about it without sounding really morbid. You don’t really start conversations with ‘hey, where do you keep your dead people?’”

“They’re aware of Marcus’ condition. I don’t think anyone would be upset.”

“Yeah, I know. I just… don’t want to initiate it,” Reno sighed. Just being around someone who was willing to listen and cuddle a bit made him feel better. The only other person he felt he could do this with was Tifa, and she was too overbearing for him when she needed to be motherly. If she ever got a whiff of something being off, she became suffocating. Leon was just sympathetic enough. He also knew the brunette a lot better, besides. Reno was already tired of talking about his parent’s conditions and he huffed a tiny sigh to force his mind to stop dwelling.

“Are you going to be alright?” Leon asked.

“Yeah. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. I just needed to get it out of my system,” the redhead said. He turned around so he was looking at the brunette’s face with his chin still resting on the other’s sternum. “How’re things with Cloud going?” he asked.

Leon shrugged. “Well enough, I guess,” he said. Hardly anyone ever saw the pair together and Leon rarely spoke of his Charge without prompting. They avoided each other unless there was learning to do, but even then it was only for a couple hours a few times a week. However, Reno was still a little concerned about how his friend was doing mentally. Over the passing weeks, Leon had become more and more secluded and really only spoke when spoken to. The brunette spent a lot of time in his bedroom by himself, and the redhead wondered if he was really working on lesson plans for Cloud or just passing the time in bed.

“Has he made any progress?” Reno asked.

“Some. We’re working on basic phonics and spelling. He’s receptive, but having a very hard time retaining things,” Leon explained.

“As expected.”

“Yes,” the brunette said. The conversation ground to a halt afterward as Leon let his eyes droop closed again. Reno frowned, not sure of what he should do. He had missed spending time with his friend but Leon kept pulling away. Or so it felt.

“Leon?” Reno questioned after several minutes of silence.

“Hmn?” the other Carrier hummed.

“I’m sorry if it makes you angry when I ask but… is everything okay?” the redhead asked cautiously. He pushed himself up until he was sitting and leaning over the brunette’s face looking down on him. Leon didn’t open his eyes, but it was clear he was trying to stay awake regardless.

“’M very tired, Reno. I didn’t sleep much.”

“I can tell. But I meant in general.”

“’M fine,” Leon mumbled, but he felt like he was lying even though he couldn’t understand why exactly.

“You’re sure?”

“Mhm. Why?”

“You don’t visit with us anymore,” Reno said. He reached up and pushed a piece of Leon’s hair off his face. The brunette sluggishly opened his eyes again and squinted up at his friend.

“I’ve been busy,” he lied.

While it was true that he spent a great deal of time toiling away over paperwork, there were a lot of times where Leon  just sat and zoned out without meaning to. He would sit in his room, his pencil at the ready, and then a thought would come to him and his mind would wander. Sometimes it repeated itself over and over again until he realized he was wasting time and would stop himself, but it usually flitted away to another thought all together. He’d eventually start worrying about his future, Cloud’s future, his potential family’s future, and his project’s future. He’d sometimes dwell on his traumas, but not in such a way that he’d upset himself. He would ask ‘why me?’ and then wonder what he could’ve done differently in specific instances to change things. After that he usually questioned why he didn’t feel anything about them anymore. In fact, he eventually realized that he could think about it all in great detail and he wouldn’t feel anything about it until Cloud was around. Leon couldn’t decide if that was healthy or not, or if it was just the beginning of forgetting.

These instances of mental meanderings lasted anywhere from a few minutes to several hours. Sometimes, if he was tired enough, he just rolled over in the middle of working and fell asleep. He didn’t have much desire to go hang out with the rest of his friends or talk to anyone unless he had to. He felt content to sit in his room and do whatever came to him. A part of him wished he had felt like that when he first crossed over to Plane 087 because he wouldn’t have bothered with Rinoa, and he wouldn’t have met and subsequently lost Zell. Blissfully empty secluded living would’ve saved him a lot of heartache and grief, he felt. However, he knew he couldn’t change the past and so he was okay with pushing all the memories into the most distant parts of his mind so he could focus on teaching Cloud, and feeling nothing.

“You’re absolutely sure?” Reno asked, giving Leon a look that begged ‘ _talk to me_.’ The brunette didn’t believe there was anything wrong so he didn’t quite understand what his friend wanted from him.

“Yes. Should I be upset?” he asked.

“Well… no, I guess not. But I miss you. Zack and Tifa do too.”

“Sorry. What did you want me to do? Do you have something planned for us?”

“Not really, no.”

“I’m not sure what you want me to do, then.”

“Just talk to us? Let us know you’re still here?”

“I see you guys all the time.”

“Yeah, when food is involved. You come out to eat and then you come back here and do… whatever it is you do in here.”

“I work on Cloud’s lessons.”

“Right, but constantly?”

“Constantly.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Is it so unbelievable?” Leon asked. He was getting annoyed now. Furrowing his brows, he fixed a scowl on his face, making it obvious he was losing his patience. Reno didn’t seem convinced, but took the hint and didn’t press the subject further. He sighed, fighting with himself, but decided to move on.

“Whatever makes you happy, I guess,” the redhead relented.

“Not everyone is a social butterfly like you are, Reno.”

“I know. And I didn’t think I was asking you to be. I thought I was just asking for acknowledgement. Because…” the redhead trailed. He laughed in spite of himself. “I don’t know about you, but knowing people still give a damn about me, even after not speaking to them for a week, feels pretty damn nice. If you don’t feel like you’re losing out on anything by keeping to yourself, then I guess I shouldn’t either. I felt like our friendship was slowly dying and it scared me.”

“I didn’t think it was. I started focusing on getting Cloud started, is all.”

“And I’m helping Rude, too. But…I’d still like an hour of your time every few days if that’s not too much. For my sake,” Reno said.

 “Yeah, okay. I can do that,” Leon said. Reno gave him the tiniest of scant smiles before shuffling around again and lying with him once more. He hugged the brunette around his torso and laid his face against the other’s sternum again.

What Leon didn’t realize was that his redheaded friend was paying very close attention to him and had slowly watched him deteriorate over the last few months. Without noticing it, Leon had started eating less and he barely ever made an expression that was anything more than a blank sort of emptiness. It had been a _very_ long time since Reno had seen his friend smile, or even shared a pleasant conversation with him about something positive. Leon’s dry sarcastic humor had all but disappeared as well. Something bad was happening, but Reno didn’t spend enough time with his friend anymore to see what it was. He was extremely worried.

“Thank you,” the redhead said, anxiety still laced in his brow.

\-----------------------

Marcus passed away several days later. Everyone had expected to find Idania dead right next to him, but she wasn’t. She had every intention of making sure her Charge was buried properly before she followed him. There was a plan set in place already for how everything would function, much to Reno’s surprise. The redhead didn’t have to think about how or what to do for his parents; they had done it for him. He was eternally grateful for the lack of responsibility, but part of him felt like he should’ve been doing it anyway. Since he suddenly found himself with nothing to do, he simply sat with everyone else and waited for his mother to come out of her bedroom. Marcus’ body was still inside.

“Oh. Hello everyone,” Idania said when she finally emerged from the bedroom. Everyone had gathered in the main living space in anticipation of being needed. They were all at odds with themselves because they didn’t have anything delegated to them. When the woman spoke to them, though, everyone balked at her in shock.

“Wh… you’re talking?” Reno sputtered in utter disbelief. His cousins hadn’t been lying when they had said Idania had a very beautiful voice. She was soft-spoken and her tone was gentle. The woman raised a brow at the redhead.

“Should I not be?” she asked.

“It’s not that… I just… never expected to hear you ever,” Reno admitted. He hadn’t gotten much out of his mother yet that morning. He had gone to his parent’s bedroom to wake them up for the day, but Idania had already been awake. She answered the door, shook her head to tell him not to bother, and then went back inside. It was a very clear sign that his father had finally passed. She hadn’t said anything, but then again, she didn’t need to.

“Well there’s not much of a point to keeping quiet anymore. Your father is with Eden now. I’m sure he can hear me again just fine,” Idania said simply. She was very calm, and didn’t seem upset. Reno couldn’t decide how he felt about that.

“Okay… well, did you need me to do anything?” he asked even though he already knew the answer. The woman shook her head.

“No, the Elder and I have it covered. There’s no formal ceremony to be had or anything. The Shumi people will probably just stuff us in a hole in the ground, say a prayer, and go about their business again,” she explained nonchalantly.

“’Us?’ You’re going to get in the same hole?” Reno asked. The manner of how they were discussing such morbid matters was somewhat unsettling to him. He didn’t know how he should be feeling about everything. His mother’s level of composure was even stranger to him. He knew that he would be in pieces if Rude died after they spent almost two millennia together, so he couldn’t imagine being so collected.

“Yes. The Technicians uploaded the euthanasia program on Marcus’ tablet for me. I can push the button myself once I lay next to your father for the last time.”

“Stop…” Reno said, furrowing his brows together as his eyes started watering. “Stop talking like this isn’t a big deal,” he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Idania frowned a little before going to approach him. She put her hands on his forearms and shook him a bit.

“Listen to me. I understand you’re upset, but I’ve always believed that tears are a sign of regret. You didn’t have enough time with either of us in order to feel okay about saying goodbye, right? You regret not doing more with us?” she asked. Reno sniffed loudly, and nodded. “That’s okay, though. Your father and I have dedicated our entire lives to our family. That is who we are. If you feel like you don’t know us enough then talk to all of your cousins. In doing so, you’ll know us. All of you are our legacy.”

“Yeah, but—“

“It’s not the same? Well, maybe not. But I can guarantee you that you won’t have any regrets after you get to know all of them. And I mean _all_ of them.”

“There’s too many,” the redhead huffed, scrunching his brows together in a scowl.

“And you have all the time in the world to get it done, do you not? I’m sure they all have stories about us, and after today, you’ll have one too. Personally, I think this is very fitting,” the woman said, stepping back again, looking thoughtful.

“How do you figure?”

“Your Totem is the end of a line. You can’t get much more specific than the American Plains Bison, Reno. It started with me, and it ends with you. You get to have the last memories of us,” Idania said. Reno didn’t seem very thrilled about the idea, but she didn’t try to make him feel better by sugarcoating anything. In time she hoped he would understand the value of what she was telling him. “Do you think you could make the effort to get to know everyone that came before you? I’d like you to.”

“I guess,” the redhead said flatly. He felt like he was being cheated, but he couldn’t understand if he felt that way because he was upset, or if he was genuinely missing out on something. In the end, any stories he got out of his cousins would most likely be the most prominent memories they had of their parents. Even then, by the next day Reno doubted he’d remember them all besides the most exceptional ones. He could agree he would end up with the same result regardless of how he found the stories in the first place. Marcus was already dead so it wasn’t like he had the time to make new ones anymore. Regardless of the rationality, he still didn’t feel right.

“Are you proud?” Idania asked abruptly, interrupting the redhead’s train of thought. Reno raised a brow.

“About what?” he asked.

“About the legacy your father and I are leaving behind for you to follow?” she asked. Her son made a thoughtful face before he shrugged.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“No reason. I was just wondering how deep your regret went.”

“I don’t regret being a part of this, if that’s what you mean.”

“That’s good. Because if you hadn’t been a part of it, you wouldn’t have to deal with this loss; I was just checking to make sure you didn’t regret your heritage just because we’re not going to be around anymore.”

“That’s taking it to the extreme.”

“It is, but I just needed to know. I’m happy you don’t regret it.”

“…Am I ever allowed to just be upset that you’re both gone?”

“Upset, yes. But don’t shed tears. That’s going too far. Your pride in everything we’ve done should be what prevails over all of this. I mean… not to brag or anything, but your father and I fed the whole world. That’s a pretty big deal,” Idania said, putting her hands on her hips. She gave her son a look that said ‘ _I dare you to say otherwise_.’

“Yeah… it is,” Reno agreed. He tried to absorb everything his mother was explaining to him, but he was struggling. Heaving a deep breath, he tried to calm himself. Smiling, Idania approached him and pulled him into a soft hug. She rubbed his back a bit and held him for a short while. All Reno could bring himself to do was loosely hug her back and try to force his tears back. She eventually pulled back and looked at everyone else who was present. The air was full of stagnant melancholy as everyone simply watched the pair like a group of statues. Tifa was the most expressive as she constantly wiped at her eyes, trying not to get too emotional.

“Everyone, just relax. This is okay. Really, it is,” Idania said. “Marcus decided he didn’t want treatment over a year ago and I’ve been preparing myself and saying goodbye ever since. I’ve done my mourning; I’m not upset. Neither should you be. In fact, had he hung on until he could see you all leave again, I would’ve been furious. He’s been suffering too long. He’s allowed to go home and rest now. I think he’s deserved that much,” she explained. She made a bit of a thoughtful face. “Me too, actually. I’m pretty tired, and I’m not strong enough to say that I can live a life when I can’t talk to three quarters of it anymore. So, I’m happy that I have the opportunity to go with him in peace. Please don’t be sad. This is a good thing.”

“I thought you said she couldn’t talk,” Cloud abruptly interjected, looking at Leon suspiciously. Idania wasn’t speaking a language the blonde could understand, which was exceedingly irritating because no one was attempting to tell him what was being said. He knew Marcus was dead, but aside from Tifa and Reno being weepy, the atmosphere was strange to him. He had no idea what was going on otherwise. Idania didn’t seem upset.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Leon spat, giving the blonde a searing glare. Cloud raised his brows.

“ _Excuse_ me for being a little shocked that the supposedly mute woman is suddenly talking.”

“I said she _chose_ not to. Not that she couldn’t.”

“Well fuck me sideways, did I recall something incorrectly _again_? You don’t say. Why are you surprised?” Cloud hissed. Leon let out an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes. He was about to say something when Idania spoke up instead.

“Oh, poor precious ignorant child,” she chided, cupping the side of her face with a hand. Crossing the room, she bent at the waist and gently pulled Cloud’s face to her slight bosom and hugged him; coddling him like an infant. The blonde’s eyes widened and he suddenly seemed to be at a loss as to what he should do. Idania rested her cheek against his pointy hair and looked up at Leon imploringly. “Be patient with this one. He’s stupid sometimes,” she said. “But he just…really has no idea.”

Zack snorted and put his hand over his mouth to keep his light laughter at bay. “Sorry,” he muttered. Tifa elbowed him in the ribs lightly.

“Yeah. I know he doesn’t,” Leon said flatly. “I’m trying.”

“Good,” Idania said. She planted a kiss on the top of Cloud’s head and stood straight again. Holding the blonde’s face in her hands, she looked him over. “It’d be a shame if you let this one ruin things for you before he gets his second wind and comes around. His face is pretty. You’ll have beautiful children together.”

“I _really_ don’t want to think that far ahead,” the brunette said with a light shudder.

“Give it time. Maybe some alcohol, too,” Idania said with a shrug. She let Cloud go.

“Mom!” Reno blurted, furrowing his brows together.

“That is a terrifying idea. I don’t think I can bring myself to get him so plastered that he suddenly accepts everything that we do without question. His liver would explode,” Leon said, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. Idania’s change in demeanor was amusing.

“We have replacements for that. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Could always smoke something as an alternative though,” Idania said simply.

“What is happening?!” Reno sputtered, a hand going to grab a fistful of his own hair as he tried to understand. This was not the grieving process he had expected to have to go through.

Leon laughed some under his breath. “I think I’ll pass,” he said.

“Suit yourself,” Idania with a shrug. She looked Cloud over once more before turning her attention back to Leon again. “On a more serious note, I really do encourage patience. Trust me when I say that breaking through the barrier of mental resistance is the most rewarding thing you could do for yourself. For both of you. I’m confident you can do this,” she said.

Leon glanced at Cloud briefly. “Thank you,” he said quietly, focusing on Idania again. He wasn’t sure why the woman felt the need to explain such things to him, but he wasn’t going to deny how comforting the words were. He didn’t know how much she knew, but he was willing to bet she was aware of more of his problems than he felt she should’ve. His attention flicked to Reno for a second. The redhead was anxiously chewing on his lower lip as he watched them both. Leon wondered how much his friend had told his mother. However, Idania didn’t make an effort to expose anything personal, so he wondered how much it ultimately mattered. She would be dead and buried before the day was over anyway.

“Not a problem,” Idania said. She stepped aside and made her way over to Zack and Tifa.

“What did she say?” Cloud asked, pulling Leon’s attention to him again. The blonde was thoroughly lost in translation. It was clear that Idania and Leon had been talking about him, and he was annoyed by it.

“Nothing you need to know,” the brunette said.

“Then why did she hug my face?”

“Because she wanted to?”

“I felt like I was being treated like a toddler.”

“Sounds about right.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“You were being insensitive and brash like you usually are, which is a sign of immaturity. So she treated you like a toddler and made you shut up. It’s pretty cut-and-dry.”

“It’s insensitive to ask what she was saying? I just wanted to know.”

“You could’ve waited until the tears stopped and we had a minute to breathe.”

“And just trust you’d actually take the time to tell me everything? I’m not even convinced you’re telling me everything now. Why should I be left out?”

“Your trust issues aren’t my problem. If you didn’t trust me in some capacity, you wouldn’t be here,” Leon said, his tone sharp. Cloud opened his mouth to say something but closed it again when he found he had no retort. His Carrier was right, and he didn’t like it. Satisfied, the brunette let out a tiny sigh. “Just follow Rude’s example and keep your mouth shut. He doesn’t know what she’s saying either but he’s willing to wait like a civil person.”

“Fine,” the blonde huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his seat.

\--------------------------

It took very little effort for the Shumi Elder to pull open a hole in the earth big enough to fit Marcus and Idania in. It had simply waved its hand to the side and a thin green line had sliced itself in the grass before the crack parted and pushed the dirt up on either side, making a crater in the middle. They were being buried under the large tree in the middle of the village; the only suitable place. Idania hadn’t been lying when she said there wasn’t going to be a ceremony. It was barely three hours after Marcus had died and they were both going to be put in the ground already. Reno wasn’t happy. It felt somewhat disrespectful to just throw his parents in a hole together and walk away like it was a routine thing to do. The redhead stood a fair distance away from everyone else and watched the scene with watery eyes.

Idania stood by with Marcus’ tablet as she watched the Elder’s assistants gently lower her Charge’s body into the grave for her. She had a tiny smile pulling at her mouth. It really was a relief to see Marcus at peace finally. They had been through so much and accomplished so many things together. Her life was complete, and she didn’t feel like anything was missing. There were no regrets. She was ready to rest.

Once Marcus was in place, she went around to her companions and gave them all a hug and a kiss goodbye. Even Cloud. She saved Reno for last, though. The redhead seemed lost and didn’t make a move to touch her when she came near. He stared at her, not willing to believe she was leaving. Idania gave him a scant smile.

“Do me a favor,” she said.

“What’s that?” Reno asked flatly, almost angrily.

“When you get home, I would like you to ask your cousin Seraphim for access to our files. Your father and I recorded a lot of things over the course of our lives and I would like for you to study them in order to understand what it means to live without regret, without spite, and without hate. You’re already a good person, Reno, but you’re still a long way from living our legacy the way we built it. There is a lot more to being part of our line than you realize. It would make both of us very happy if you can accomplish this and pass it on to your children, and your children’s children. Can you do that?” Idania asked. Reno wasn’t sure what she was trying to tell him, but he supposed he would figure it out when he got home. He nodded.

“Okay,” he said.

“Thank you. Can I have a hug?” she asked. The redhead hesitated but he eventually nodded and timidly opened his arms for her. She embraced him tightly, standing on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, resting his chin on her shoulder.

“Why?”

“For crying and being so upset.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not angry. I just don’t want you to be too upset over something _I’m_ not even upset about. It’s difficult, and I’m asking a lot, but don’t be too sad. Okay?” Idania asked, rubbing her son’s back.

“Okay,” Reno agreed, feeling everything but reassured. After one last motherly kiss goodbye, Idania pulled away. All Reno could do was stand and feel empty as his mother left him so she could go join his father.

The Elder’s assistants each offered Idania a hand as she approached the grave. She set the tablet on the ground and took the offered help for stability as she hopped into the hole. Picking up the tablet again, she carefully took a seat in the soil and lay next to her Charge. It took her only a few seconds to plug into her Link and open the euthanasia program.

Curling up against Marcus’ side, she rested her face against his still chest and draped her arm and the tablet over his stomach. With a smile, she brushed a finger over the _confirm_ button. A half second later, and everything went black. The tablet flickered off and the color drained from her hair, skin, and eyes. The tension in her hair deflated and the follicles wilted against the earth and she went limp. The end of an era looked like nothing more than an empty doll resting against a frail lifeless man.

The assistants had watched everything closely, and once Idania was gone, they stepped away from the grave and nodded to the Elder. It took that as a cue to bring its hands together, which slid the piles of dirt together again, filling the hole completely. Once everything had been put back in place, the Elder and its assistants turned to Reno and gave the redhead a deep courteous bow. Without saying anything, they left and headed back towards the main village.

Reno stared at the patch of disturbed soil with misty eyes and a blank expression. Everything had happened so quickly and without emotion that he couldn’t internalize it fully; it felt like a dream. He was trying very hard to not be upset like his mother had asked, but he found he couldn’t do it. There weren’t any tears left for him to shed, but he felt like he was being crushed under the weight of his grief. Everyone was watching him, but he didn’t even register that they were there anymore. Eventually, he started trudging back towards the inn.

Plodding up the stairs, his legs went on autopilot and he eventually found himself standing in the middle of his parent’s bedroom. Despite being empty, the familiar smells made him feel a little better and cleared his head. He sat heavily on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath. Staring at the ground, he tried to focus on what his mother had told and asked of him. The words confused him somewhat, but the effort it took to think towards his future helped him move past some of the pain of his today. He stayed there for a short while, trying to absorb the small comforts he found.

“Reno?” Rude quietly piped from the doorway.

“Hmm?” Reno hummed, his eyes focused on the floor still.

“Should I worry about you?” his Charge asked.

“I’m not sure yet.”

“Did you want me to leave?” Rude asked. There was a long pause as Reno thought about it. He eventually shook his head.

“No. Sit with me,” he said. His Charge did as he was told and took a seat next to him on the bed. They were quiet for several minutes, comfortably sharing the space. Rude didn’t know what he should be doing, but stayed there quietly regardless. After several minutes, his Carrier took another deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said finally.

“No problem. I understand the feeling. I’d be upset too,” Rude said.

“No, I mean, I’m glad you’re here in general. Mom told me a lot of stuff that made me think about what a big deal this project is and… it makes it feel like it’s feasible when I remember you’re here with me. Thank you,” the redhead said, looking down at his hands. He idly traced the lines in his palms with a fingertip, trying not to fidget.

“I see. That’s not a problem either.”

“It makes me feel better knowing you feel that way,” the Carrier admitted. Another few minutes of silence passed before he abruptly rubbed his face with his hands, trying to push the sadness away as much as possible. It was barely lunchtime but he already felt like sleeping for the rest of the day. “I think I’m going to take a nap,” he announced, standing suddenly.

“I’ll come with you,” Rude volunteered. With wide surprised eyes, the redhead looked at him.

“What?” he asked in disbelief. He couldn’t decide if his Charge was volunteering to nap in the same bed as him or was going to nap at the same time but elsewhere.

“I noticed that whenever you’re upset, you have the habit of forcing yourself into bed with Leon when he’s napping. Cloud pulled him aside and started interrogating him after you left so I don’t think he’s available to you at the moment. I’m offering to be a substitute,” Rude explained plainly. Reno’s cheeks turned red and he held the sides of his own face with his hands.

“It’s really embarrassing that you noticed that. Why are you so damn perceptive?” the redhead muttered.

His Charge shrugged. “You don’t have to accept. Leon was your friend before I was. I’d understand if you’re more comfortable with him. I just figured I’d offer.”

“No no! I’m a hundred kinds of okay with it; I just wasn’t expecting it, is all. Just be aware that I get stupid cuddly. Are you okay with that?”

“Special circumstances make me more okay with it than I normally would be, yeah,” Rude said thoughtfully. “I just can’t guarantee it’ll carry over to tomorrow.”

“That’s okay,” Reno agreed quickly. Rude stood from his place, preparing to head out of the room, but the redhead stopped him. He looked up at his Charge, giving the taller man the best doe-eyes he could muster. “Can you be the big spoon?” he asked sweetly, batting his eyelashes. Rude scowled.

“Don’t push it,” the Charge muttered.

Reno snorted a bit. “I’m not sorry.”


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter 67

According to Sigmund Freud, the human psyche is composed of three parts: the id, the ego, and the superego. The id holds control over the baser instincts that everyone has that are mostly governed by pleasure. Eating, sleeping, and sex are the most basic. The ego is in charge of pleasing the id but in such a way that is realistic and more goal oriented with the long term in mind. The superego is the part that is instated by cultural norms, morals, and the conscience. If all of the parts of the psyche are in check, then the result is a normal human being.

However, Carriers function somewhat differently. Their bodies are kept in check by their Link, which requires them to shift forms in order to renew and adjust their body chemistry to keep equilibrium. There are more circuits firing in their brains than there would be in a human’s simply because the Link is always working. Always checking. Always adjusting as much as it can. But it has its limits. When a Carrier ignores their other half for too long, their body starts to tell them; usually by being in pain. If they still neglect it, then their minds start to deteriorate and devolve to the most animalistic: the id.

Leon was in a lot of pain. He was stupidly ignoring his other half, frozen in fear by the last time he attempted to change. His skeleton felt like it was rusting over and every movement made his joints grind together and flake pieces off. He felt constantly hungry, and in turn, the hunger pains made him feel nauseated. Sex was also something that was never far from his thought processes, which he was very conscious of. Every one of his companions - even Cloud - was suddenly appealing to him and he was disgusted with himself. He knew he needed to change in order to keep control of himself, but the very thought of it made him feel sicker than he already did.

“I need help,” Leon concluded after almost a week of mental and physical agony. He had gone to Reno’s bedroom to ask his friend for assistance. Keeping his forehead pressed to the doorframe with his eyes averted, he made a conscious effort to not breathe in the redhead’s scent; the images and urges his mind stirred up every time he did manage to catch a whiff were horrifying to him.

“What’s wrong?” Reno asked, is concern immediate.

“Keep Cloud away from me for a couple hours,” Leon instructed, his posture tense and his words strained.

“Are you okay?” the redhead asked, furrowing his brows together. He reached forward and put his hand on the brunette’s shoulder. Leon immediately smacked it away.

“Don’t touch me,” he said. Reno pulled back and took a step away from him.

“What’s your problem?”

“I need to change. Keep Cloud away from me. Please.”

“Why? You haven’t showed him already? I thought you did.”

“No.”

“When was the last time you changed, then?”

“I can’t remember. Almost a year, maybe?”

“Are you crazy?!” Reno spat angrily.

“I know! I’m asking for your help so I can fix it! Are you going to or not?”

“I don’t think I should. You should’ve shown him already.”

“I tried to. He wasn’t cooperating. Haven’t tried again since,” Leon insisted.

“Try again. This is a good opportunity.”

“Not like this.”

“You’re being stupid,” Reno said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“You don’t understand,” the brunette strained, squeezing his eyes closed as his vision started to blur.

“Yeah, I know I don’t. But I don’t really care because you’re still being stupid. You’re putting everyone here at risk just because your Charge is an asshole. Well, too fucking bad. I don’t like that you’re like this, and I _really_ don’t like that you could lose control around Rude. What if you turned feral when he was the only one around? Do you understand how much damage you could do?”

“Yes. I understand.”

“Good. Now go change. I’m giving you a half hour before I send Cloud out to find you. You can turn feral and kill your own Charge first if you keep this bullshit up,” the redhead said irritably.

Leon opened his eyes again and cast a sidelong glance at his friend. His first thought was how soft the skin under Reno’s jaw must’ve been and how nice it would’ve felt between his teeth, but he managed to stop himself before his mind could go any farther. There were two avenues that way of thinking could go: to sex or to murder. Neither of those options were things he was willing to entertain without feeling like he would vomit. He kept his hands and his words to himself and turned away from his possibly tasty friend and forced his legs to move him away.

Reno wasn’t going to help, but Leon couldn’t avoid changing any longer. His heart started to pound with the anxiety ridden anticipation of having his Charge find him. Being by himself whilst he went through the process of changing forms was better than the first time, though. Once he was on all fours, the relief of his Link resuming equilibrium was almost immediate. It felt like an adrenaline rush; a warm tingling shiver that ran down his spine starting at the base of his skull. The only problem he had now was that he felt like he could sleep for a week. He was exhausted and still achy, but he wasn’t allowed to sleep. Not until he dealt with Cloud. In an effort to avoid him for as long as possible, the Carrier buried himself amongst the tall grasses that flanked the delta.

“I have no idea why he would avoid me for this,” came Cloud’s voice shortly after Leon settled in his hiding spot.

“He should’ve showed you months ago. He said you weren’t cooperating the last time he tried so he gave up,” Reno replied, their voices growing closer.

“ _I_ wasn’t cooperating? I wanted him to show me; why the fuck wouldn’t I cooperate?” the blonde said, sounding annoyed.

“Did you say anything to him to make him stop?”

“No. I waited for him to do it and then he started falling apart for some reason. I left after that,” Cloud explained. Reno raised a brow and gave the blonde an once-over, attempting to see any obvious signs of lying. He still didn’t trust him very much, but Cloud didn’t look like he was trying to cover anything up. The redhead had an idea as to why having to change in front of Cloud was a problem for Leon, but the issue was easily avoidable by doing it the way they were doing now; having Leon change in private and Cloud finding him after. In Reno’s eyes, there wasn’t much of a reason for Leon to put himself through such anguish.

“You didn’t say anything?”

“No,” Cloud lied, putting on a very professional poker face.

“Didn’t do anything?”

“No. Should I have?”

“Not really, but did you?”

“No.”

 _You lying sack of shit,_ Leon thought to himself, his blood starting to boil. The fact that Cloud was lying about his abuse told the Carrier that his Charge knew that what he had done was wrong. He was covering it up. The blonde remembered how Leon had reacted beforehand, so it was highly unlikely that he conveniently forgot the events that followed. They were very memorable. Leon flexed his toes and dug his claws into the soil, attempting to quell the sudden urge to run out and slash his Charge’s face open in retaliation.

“I’m not sure I believe you,” Reno said. “I don’t want to believe that Leon is so irrational that he’d put himself and everyone else in danger by avoiding this.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, then. All I saw was a grown man crying like the world was ending for absolutely no reason. I have no idea why, and I didn’t particularly care either. At the time, I was really irritated that he wasn’t doing what he said he was going to do for me, so I didn’t stick around and give him a shoulder to wipe his snot on. It was pathetic and completely uncalled for,” the blonde explained blandly. Reno didn’t seem convinced, but Cloud wasn’t going to pick a fight. The Charge seemed to be appropriately confused about the whole situation, and the redhead really doubted he was lying about what went on. It didn’t make him feel better, but at least he knew he could pick a specific instance to talk to Leon about later.

However, in the tall grasses, Leon was not so level headed about the whole discussion. He was livid. Being called pathetic and having his mental episode so flippantly dismissed piled more of the overwhelming feelings of worthlessness onto his shoulders, but this time, he was angry about it. The blatant heartlessness the blonde so effortlessly put forward was as worrisome as it was infuriating. Before he could attempt to calm himself down, Leon was seeing red, and he couldn’t stop himself from retaliating.

Reno and Cloud were standing in the middle of the clearing adjacent the delta. As soon as Leon saw his Charge, he didn’t hesitate in lunging forward out of the grasses, running at full speed. It hadn’t taken very long for the human rationality and self control that the Carrier valued so much to vanish as if it had never existed in the first place. It was replaced with very black-and-white-bare-bones thinking. The thing that was hurting him needed to die; very simple reasoning. The fact that his Charge was very important to the rest of his life was irrelevant.

Reno had little time to react when Leon suddenly flew out of the grass with a very clear intention of attacking them. In his mind, Leon had succeeded in killing himself. He had actually hurt his equilibrium so much that he had turned feral and no longer had control of his other half. Leon was either going to die by his Link malfunctioning further or by someone stopping him, but Reno couldn’t dwell on that. He had barely a second to act, barely a second to think, and all he could come up with was to push Cloud out of the way.

The blonde met the grass just as a huge claw clad paw came down and connected with Reno’s shoulder, leaving heinous gashes in the redhead’s flesh. He screamed, staggering backwards. Leon was on him shortly thereafter, knocking the other Carrier to the ground and hovering over him threateningly, his attention refocused to the body underneath him. Reno put his hands up and buried them in Leon’s mane, pushing the cat up and away from him by his throat. He was starting to panic as his over sensitive fight-or-flight instinct bubbled up and fogged over his thinking space. He wasn’t doing a very good job fighting, so the only other option was to run away. The redhead struggled under Leon’s weight as his once friend kept him pinned and chomped at the air in front of his face, trying to reach him.

A half rotted tree branch swung down and met with the side of Leon’s face. The feline Carrier was suddenly seeing stars and his sight turned hazy. The struggling subsided a bit, just enough for Reno to scoot out from underneath him. Cloud was there, on his feet and heaving heavy wheezing breaths as he over exerted himself. He held the branch like a baseball bat and brought it up over his self. Swinging down again, he snapped it in half on the back of Leon’s head, forcing a spitting snarl from him. The Carrier staggered a few paces to the side, his vision spotty. Cloud took the opportunity to grab Reno and yank him to his feet so they could get away together.

They weren’t very far from the Inn, and the adrenaline helped them sprint back to it before Leon could gather himself again. They burst into the lobby, nearly collapsing in a heap together. Cloud couldn’t catch his breath, and he fell onto all fours as he tried to force the oxygen back into himself. It felt like there was a boulder sitting on his chest, squeezing the air out of him and not letting it back in. His arms were shaking as they fought to hold him upright. Coughing airlessly, he hugged himself, curling into a ball and resting his forehead against the floor.

“Rude! Zack! Somebody!” Reno yelled hoarsely, leaning against the wall with his good shoulder. He slowly slid down until he could sit on the floor. Never in his life did he imagine he would ever feel the amount of pain he was currently in. His arm and his entire side were coated in blood, and the limb was practically useless.

“What happened?!” Zack barked as he looked over the balcony wide-eyed. He galloped down the stairs and hurried over to the redhead’s side.

“Stop. No time. Get Rude’s gun,” Reno said quickly. The Charge balked at him in shock.

“What—“

“Leon’s turned feral. We have to stop him before he goes on a rampage through the village,” the redhead interrupted. Zack’s expression blanked for a moment as he registered what Reno had said. He stared at the Carrier’s injury and let the details sink in.

“What’s going on? I smell blood,” Tifa chimed from upstairs. She peeked over the edge of the balcony and let out an audible gasp. She immediately pulled herself up over the railing and jumped down to the level below, landing on her feet. Hurrying over to Cloud, she flopped to her knees next to him and put an ear on his back, listening to him breathe.

“Stay here,” Zack said, casting a brief glance at Tifa. He turned away from them and headed down the hall to Rude’s room.

“What happened?” she asked, looking between her Charge’s back and Reno. The redhead shook his head.

“Not now. Cloud needs your help,” he said, hugging his injured arm to his chest.

\------------

Zack was suddenly having a bad day. After making sure Cloud wasn’t dead and that Rude and Tifa were taking care of the ailing pair in the lobby, he stepped outside, pistol in hand. He had an idea of where Leon was, but he couldn’t be sure the cat has stayed put. A branch to the face swung by a guy who could barely run up the stairs was not enough to kill a Carrier, so Zack was almost certain Leon was still alert and on the move. He didn’t know why Leon had suddenly turned feral, but he couldn’t dispute the evidence he had been presented. Reno hadn’t been attacked by an ordinary house cat; there was real and severe damage done. Leon needed to be stopped.

There was a certain mentality that had been ingrained in him during his time in the military. The people you were killing were not to be seen as people, or things to have compassion towards. They were the enemy no matter what they were doing or what they were saying. People who had their lives in jeopardy typically made an effort to bargain with the person who held their fate. They would plead and beg and apologize for just about anything in an attempt to make their assailant feel pity and possibly back down. Zack didn’t have the luxury of backing down; not with an entire village of unknowing innocents nearby. He wasn’t happy with the circumstances by any means, but he couldn’t afford to dwell on the feelings for very long and possible lose his resolve. However, as he reached to delta, he was stopped.

“Zack,” Tifa suddenly called, jogging up to his side.

“Go back to the inn,” came the man’s immediate reply.

“Cloud is breathing better and Rude is wrapping up Reno. They’ll be okay for now.”

“Go back to the inn. I’m not going to let you endanger yourself by being here,” Zack said, his face stony. Tifa stepped in front of him and blocked his path.

“Think about what you’re doing. It’s Leon,” she pleaded, putting her hands on his chest to keep him from pushing past her.

“Not anymore he isn’t.”

“You don’t know that for sure.”

“He attacked Reno. Of all people! How can you say I don’t know that for sure?”

“There had to be a reason. You can’t just shoot him in the face without giving him a chance to calm down and explain himself.”

“And if he doesn’t calm down? If he lets me get close and suddenly jumps me? What then? You’re okay with that?”

“Of course not!” Tifa chided, furrowing her brows together angrily. “I’m not saying run up to him and expect everything to be okay, I just don’t want you to find him and automatically take him out. Give him a chance to prove us wrong, alright?”

Zack sighed. “Tifa…”

“Please,” she insisted, giving him pleading eyes. They stared at one another for a moment before Zack let out a huff, giving in.

“You’d make _the worst_ soldier, you know that?” he said. Tifa shrugged her indifference.

“Good thing I never tried, then,” she said. Taking his hand, she started to walk towards the delta again.

Leon was there, but he didn’t seem apt to getting up and attacking anything. It had taken him several minutes to get his bearings again once Cloud bludgeoned him, but once he had a clear head and could assess the situation, he realized what he had done. Slowly, pieces of the world started crumbling around him. Or at least that’s what it felt like. He had caused irreparable damage to someone he cared very much about, and he was appalled with himself. It was an accident; he hadn’t meant to hurt Reno, but he couldn’t even justify acting on his impulses in the first place. His original intent was to kill Cloud, to kill his Charge, someone who was extremely valuable to him even if it wasn’t personally so. Nothing he did was right by any definition, and he had no one to blame but himself.

Leon wasn’t surprised when someone came for him. Zack and Tifa rounded the corner into the thicket of branches and vines surrounding the delta. They stopped when they saw him, eyeing him suspiciously. However, Leon wasn’t doing anything threatening. His entire body hurt - his head especially - and he didn’t think he could move around very easily even if he wanted to. He was lying in the grass with his face between his front paws, his eyes fixed on his right forefoot. The tips of his claws poked out from between the furry folds of his toes and he could tell they were darker than they should be. All he could smell was blood, and he hated it.

“Leon?” Tifa piped when the pair came a bit closer. Leon shifted his eyes to her, but didn’t move. He noticed the gun Zack had brought with him and the look of expressionless calculation he wore. It was a face the Carrier was very familiar with. Cloud had a very similar one that he put on whenever he had to do something he wasn’t very fond of.

 _Glad you’re here. Just put a bullet in my head and be on your way please. We’ll all be better off for it,_ Leon thought. In his mind, there wasn’t much more he could do that could make his life any more miserable. A minute of a lapse in control ruined what small blessings he had and infinitely added more weight to his pile of mistakes and shortcomings. He was a shell of what his high expectations told him he should be, and even then, what little was left of him was pretty insignificant all things considered. There wasn’t much reason for him to exist anymore.

“I think he’s okay,” Tifa concluded, stuffing a hand in her pocket. She pulled out an earpiece and started unraveling the cord.

“I’m not sure,” Zack said, stepping in front of her, his eyes fixed on Leon.

“If he wasn’t in there anymore he’d be on his feet trying to kill us, don’t you think? He doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere,” the woman said, making her way around her Charge. She went to Leon and knelt down next to him. Giving him a small smile, she held up the earpiece. “Tell me what happened,” she said. Leon didn’t make an effort to oblige. Tifa frowned and reached forward. Taking hold of his whiskers, she attempted to lift his lip and wiggle the plug between his teeth. Leon let out a loud groan as a sharp twinge of pain shot through his face. He pulled away from her.

“Doesn’t look like he wants to talk,” Zack said, stepping forward. He took a seat next to Tifa, setting the pistol in the grass.

“See? I knew he wasn’t really gone,” the woman said with a tiny I-told-you-so-sort of smile.

“That actually makes it worse. He was in his right mind when he attacked them?”

 _Cloud. I meant to attack Cloud_ , Leon mentally corrected.

“Which means there is a reason why. Have you ever known Leon to do something without a reason?” Tifa insisted.

“No, but you forget that there was a twenty-ish year gap where we didn’t see him. Things change,” Zack said flatly.

“That doesn’t matter. He hasn’t changed all that much. He’s still anti-social, overly calculating, and rational almost to a fault,” Tifa said. She reached forward and gently combed her fingers through the front most tuft of mane surrounding Leon’s face. Again, he let out a grumbling groan as his entire skull throbbed and let him know that such sensations were not okay. He pulled away.

“His face is swollen; I wouldn’t try to touch him,” Zack said.

“Is it?” she asked, squinting at the cat.

“Yeah. One side’s fatter than the other and his eye is a little squinty.”

“I suppose so.”

“Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s black and blue when he shifts back,” Zack said, rolling his shoulders. He felt a little more relaxed now that he didn’t need to kill anybody, but he couldn’t allow himself to get too comfortable. The situation hadn’t resolved itself yet and it was unlikely it would happen anytime soon.

“I’d still like to know what happened,” Tifa said.

 _Obviously my ability to keep control of myself is nonexistent. I’ve killed once, why not just murder my friends and make a hobby out of it?_ Leon thought dryly.

“Wait until he changes back before you assault him with questions. You’re not going to get anything out of him like this,” Zack said.

\--------------------

Tifa and Zack stayed at the delta for a short while before deciding to head back to the inn. Leon gave them very little indication that he was going to say anything, but they waited just to see if he would give in. He didn’t, so they left. Leon stayed by himself for a little over an hour before he figured he should head back too. There was a brief moment where he had considered trying to drown himself, or finding something pointy enough to shove into his carotid artery, but he knew he wouldn’t have the courage to actually do anything so he didn’t try. He did wonder if he could make Cloud so angry that the blonde would feel justified in killing him and actually acting upon it. Leon would have fun torturing his Charge, and then the pain would stop. It’d be a win/win for both parties involved, in his mind. He tucked the idea away in his mental pocket for later as he headed back.

Leon regretted coming back to the inn. Everyone was holed up in Reno’s bedroom and the redhead was belting out fits of pained screaming that were dispersed between periods of moaning sobs. The brunette’s eardrums were accosted as soon as he stepped through the front door, and he immediately wanted to find a bridge to jump off of so it would stop. He had never heard such noises come from Reno before and it was extremely upsetting that he was probably the one that caused it. In fact, he was certain he was to blame. At a loss, he stood around in the lobby for a few minutes, attempting to figure out what he should do.

He eventually settled for shuffling down the hallway to his own bedroom. Reno’s painful wailing didn’t subside very much even with the added distance. Trying to block it out, he made for the bathroom to assess the damage to his face. Everything hurt whenever he tried to move or express anything, so he assumed he wasn’t looking very pretty. Once in front of a mirror, his suspicions were confirmed. Aside from a black eye, he had a creeping purple bruise that stretched from the side of his brow down to his jaw. It was in the beginning stages of forming, so he was sure it was going to spread over the next day. The back of his head was equally as painful, and he assumed there was more of the same damage under his hair.

Reno went quiet not long after Leon settled himself in his bed. The howling screams still rattled around in his head for a while, torturing him with his guilt and shame. No one came to check and see if he had returned. There wasn’t any conversation in the hallway afterward, either. He was by himself for several hours before anyone attempted to look for him. The one that found him first was the last person he wanted to see. Cloud abruptly stepped through the bathroom door and stomped to Leon’s bed without hesitation.

“So you _are_ here,” the blonde said, his tone acidic. Leon startled out of his light snooze and bolted upright. Almost immediately, his head started throbbing and he rested his face in his hands, willing the pain to go away and let him think.

“Could’ve knocked,” he muttered angrily. A hand snaked itself in front of him before it balled into a fist, grabbing on to the front of his shirt. Leon suddenly found himself face to face with his Charge as Cloud yanked him around and forward. The brunette froze; eyes wide.

“Did you think I’d be okay with you trying to kill me? Did you really think you could come back here and hide like nothing happened?” Cloud hissed. Leon was quiet, fear trickling through his limbs and turning them cold. “I know that’s what you meant to do. Had Reno not pushed me, I’d be where he is if not worse. Do you think that’s okay?”

“No,” the brunette said barely above a whisper. Suddenly, Cloud smiled, his face twisting into a maniacal half grin. With his free hand he patted the Carrier’s cheek harshly, almost slapping him. He let go of the brunette’s shirt and stood straight.

“Good. So let me tell you how this going to work from this point forward,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Reno and Zack both said you lost control because you were avoiding your Totem for too long. They also said that when we make it to your world you’re going to have to change every week. So let’s avoid any future mishaps and just make a habit of it now, shall we? You’re not allowed to hide from me anymore. You do what I tell you. You change when I tell you to. I don’t ever want to see this history repeat itself. Do I make myself clear?”

“I only avoided changing because you—“ Leon attempted to explain but his words were abruptly cut off when Cloud backhanded him across the face. The blonde had slapped the bruised side, and the pain that followed made the Carrier nauseated and his vision blurry. Cloud grabbed the front of Leon’s shirt with both hands and pulled him upright again, bringing their faces close.

“I didn’t ask you _why._ I _told_ you how it’s going to work from now on. You got what you deserved because you avoided your responsibilities and your promises to me. I don’t recall ever telling you it was okay to do that. So don’t try to justify your weakness by making it my fault. I did what I had to in order to get what I was promised. And it worked. Now I’m going to do what I have to in order to make sure I stay safe around you; I don’t trust that you can do it by yourself. Understand?” the blonde seethed.

Leon was quiet for a moment before he weakly nodded, surrendering. He agreed with Cloud. Everything was his fault, and he got what he deserved. He was doing everything wrong and avoiding his responsibilities to both his Charge and himself. There was no justification for trying to kill Cloud; nothing in the world could ever justify taking his Charge’s life. He was wrong, everything else was wrong, and it was his responsibility to fix it and Cloud was going to make sure that he did.

Satisfied with Leon’s obedience, Cloud left. Leon sucked in a deep breath and put his hand over his heart, feeling the erratic beating under his palm. He was shaking, the anxiety starting to choke him. He concluded that this was it; this was what his life was going to be like. He would become a malleable piece of obedient clay for Cloud to manipulate and mold into whatever he desired. Since Leon couldn’t see very many positive things he could become, he figured he would just take the form of a ball his Charge could kick around for a giggle or two every now and again.

The more he thought about it, the more Leon figured it was an okay way to be. Being subservient didn’t mean he couldn’t work on his project, teach his Charge, or fulfill his purpose. He wouldn’t have to think as much about the things outside the facility if Cloud did all the thinking for him. Not much would change. It wasn’t like Leon was the most social person in the world; he hung around by himself a lot so what difference would being under Cloud’s thumb make? He hadn’t planned on making very many opportunities where his Charge would get angry at him so the situation was very doable.

\-------------------

Leon didn’t come out of his room until the next day. He slept on and off for most of the night, making it pass quickly, but it wasn’t very restful. Reno’s screaming haunted him and was usually the reason he woke up whenever. As soon as it was a reasonable hour, he wanted to see the redhead to make sure that he was alive. Their relationship was up in the air and Leon wasn’t sure Reno would ever want to be around him again. The unknowns surrounding him picked at his resolve so at the very least he wanted answers, even if they weren’t the most favorable. Regardless of what Reno’s choice was, Leon would respect it; but the air needed some clearing up in order to do that.

Reno’s bedroom door was unlocked and Leon was able to peek inside easily. The redhead was in bed, propped up by a mountain of pillows. He was extremely pale and sickly looking compared to the way he normally was, probably because of blood loss. His shoulder and arm had been dressed, but there was additional bandaging that had been wrapped over his forearm and around his torso, keeping the limb immobilized. From the doorway, Leon couldn’t tell if Reno was asleep or just lying with his eyes closed. He didn’t have to wait long for an answer, though. After a few minutes of quiet observation, the redhead peeled his eyes open and looked at him.

“You can come in,” Reno muttered.

“I don’t think I should. I just came to see if you were still alive. I see that you are, so I should leave,” Leon responded quietly.

“I’ll rephrase. I want you to come in,” the redhead said.

Leon hesitated for a moment before quietly shuffling in. He inched his way over to the bed and awkwardly stood off to the side with his hands folded behind his back and his eyes focused on the floor. With a grunt, Reno managed to push himself to the side, making a bigger space next to him. He patted the spot expectantly. Again, Leon hesitated before stiffly going to sit where he was told. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Reno, and he kept his hands in his lap. A long uncomfortable silence passed between them as they both tried to think of something to say.

Reno took a deep breath and let it out through his nose slowly. “When I was a newly hatched little baby, I was pretty damn stupid. I felt really weird because I was a new species and there wasn’t anyone else like me. I avoided changing like the plague because I felt so out of place. I’ve been to that point where you either suck it up and let yourself shift or you just roll over and die because your body is going to destroy itself. When I finally did change, mom was there. I remember feeling really angry. It was an irrational and blind sort of anger and I don’t remember or understand why. Anyway, long story short, I ended up charging at her like she was the biggest threat on the planet,” the redhead explained, his voice sleepy.

“What did she do?” Leon mumbled.

“She caught me by the horns and stopped me.”

“Was she in her Primal form?”

“No. Her Implant. She literally just stood there and caught me by the horns. I ended up hurting her because I shoved her back really far and scraped the hell out of her feet, but she didn’t falter or trip up any.”

“That’s…”

“Really terrifying,” Reno finished for him. Leon nodded in quiet agreement. “She was so tiny, and she was wearing a pink and yellow sun dress, and dad had done her hair all pretty like he usually did, and she just… caught me like it was no big deal. It was the most emasculating experience of my entire life,” the redhead said. He reached over and put a hand on the brunette’s forearm, pulling Leon’s attention to him. “I should’ve caught you. I should’ve listened to you. I should’ve helped you out. You never ask me for anything, and the one time you did, I brushed you off. That was really shitty, and I’m _so_ sorry.”

“I don’t understand why you’re apologizing. I’m not the one who was attacked. It’s my fault for ignoring my Totem and losing control,” Leon said.

“Even if that’s true, you were trying to fix it and I didn’t help. You told me exactly what I shouldn’t do and I did it anyway because I thought I knew more than you did.”

“But I don’t disagree with what you said. I should’ve showed Cloud months ago.”

“It wasn’t my place to dictate that, though,” Reno insisted. Leon didn’t seem convinced and looked down at his hands with a tiny sigh. “You’re not going to convince me that this is all your fault. It is your fault for waiting so long, but the majority of it is mine. I will say that my punishment was a little excessive but I can’t exactly be angry at you about it.”

“I would be.”

“I know you would, so good thing it didn’t happen to you,” the redhead said. He took hold of the brunette’s forearm and gave it a weak tug. Leon refocused his attention on his friend, who was giving him a tiny smile. “I’m glad you only have a bruise. I would’ve been mad had he done more damage to that pretty face of yours.”

Leon furrowed his brows together and snorted a bit in disbelief. “Whatever you say, Reno,” he muttered, his cheeks turning a bit pink. Reno’s smile widened. He pulled on the other’s arm again, insisting that the brunette lay with him. Leon wasn’t too keen on the idea and simply shuffled across the bed a bit more and closer to the redhead’s side.

“No cuddles? Really?” Reno asked, sounding hurt. He frowned.

“I can’t lay and face you. That side hurts too much,” Leon said. He folded his legs under himself and huffed a heavy sigh.

“You make a good point. Never mind,” the redhead agreed. Another awkward silence passed.

“Can I ask you something?” Leon suddenly piped.

“Yeah.”

“What was happening yesterday? I came back here and you were screaming.”

“Zack was sewing me closed. There’s no anesthetic here.”

“…Oh. How bad is it?”

“Not great. Luckily, it’s only a couple months until we go home.”

“That doesn’t tell me much.”

“Well, I suspect there’s some tendon or ligament damage, or maybe my rotator cuff, or something. I can’t move my arm very well. To be safe we’re just going to keep it immobilized until we can get home and fix it,” Reno said. He rested his head back against the pillows again, his eyelids drooping a bit.

“I’m sorry; I should go and let you sleep.”

“No, you’re going to stay here,” the redhead said. He lifted the edge of his blanket and gave it a wiggle. “Get under here.”

“Reno…”

“Stop. I know it’s bad, but you can’t change what’s already done. So just work on making it better, okay? You can start by giving me whatever cuddles you can manage,” Reno said, his tone turning grumpy. Leon hesitated again before quietly doing as he was told. He scooted under the covers and awkwardly lay on his non-bruised side, using the crook of the redhead’s arm as a pillow. Reno settled back against his mountain again, his arm curling around to gently fluff the brunette’s hair around.

“I’m sorry,” Leon said, his eyes watering. His back was to Reno, so the redhead couldn’t see.

“I know you are.”


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 68

“Let me pose a question to you both,” Zack said, propping his feet up on the dining chair next to him. He had his tablet in his lap and was settling in for going through a long hypothetical questionnaire with Cloud and Rude. He had several reports to fill out before the group made the journey back to Plane 001 and he was only somewhat looking forward to it. It was a long and boring process, but he was genuinely interested at picking the other Charge’s brains and figuring them out. They both had no idea what they were in for, and they watched Zack expectantly.

“Okay,” Rude and Cloud mumbled together.

“Pretend you’re at a club or whatever, and there’s a really beautiful woman that’s wearing really short shorts. Like, her ass is practically falling out of these things they’re so tiny,” Zack started.

“Go on,” Cloud said, his interest piqued. This was not the sort of conversation he was expecting to have when they sat down together. Zack’s tablet was generally related to really dry and boring tasks that the blonde had zero interest in, so this was a pleasant surprise. Rude glanced at his fellow fledgling Charge with a tiny scowl. He would never say anything, but to him, Cloud was just about as disgusting as a piece of shit stretched out along the sidewalk. Rude really didn’t want to be around anything that involved Cloud’s interests, because those interests usually seemed to border on the barbaric. Teaching the blonde to swim so long ago was a means to the end of his phobia of water, so at least he got something out of it.

“I assume you would want to get her attention, be it for the end goal of sex, or a relationship, or whatever, so tell me how you would go about approaching her. We’ll say she’s by herself briefly and you have an opportunity to get her to notice you without any friends to butt in,” Zack continued. He gave a meaningful look to Cloud. “And be honest about it. The more I figure out now, the fewer problems it’ll cause in the long run.”

“Okay, well…” the blonde trailed, making a thoughtful face. He furrowed his brows. “This is awkward,” he concluded.

“Yeah it is,” Zack said with a tiny laugh.

“If I’m honest, it would depend on a few things,” Cloud said. He brought up a hand and used his fingers to count and emphasize his list of ‘what-ifs.’ “It’d depend on how drunk I am, how long it’s been since I’ve been laid, how many friends _I_ have with me, and what color hair she has.”

“Does it really make that much of a difference?” Zack asked, raising a brow.

“Yeah, it does. The hair is important only because I’m picky, but if I’m drunk, horny, and have friends to impress, then the chances of me being really straightforward skyrocket. If not, I’d probably just talk to her.”

“Define ‘straightforward,’” Zack said, taking up his stylus and tablet. He could see where this was going, but he still wanted Cloud to say it out loud. Putting on his best nonjudgmental face, he prepared to take some notes.

“Uhh…” Cloud trailed, trying to find the right words. “I don’t know; get really close and not give her an opportunity to misinterpret my intent?”

“What intent would that be?”

“Do you really have to ask? This makes me uncomfortable,” the blonde said, scrunching his brows together.

“Yeah, actually, I do,” Zack said impatiently.

“I’d probably only want her for sex. The shorts wouldn’t give me the impression she’s looking for a husband,” Cloud blurted flatly, crossing his arms over his chest. He glared at the table crankily, suddenly feeling like he was being interrogated. Zack took a second to make a note before continuing.

“Would you touch her as part of making your intent obvious?” he asked. Cloud shifted his eyes to the other man with a deep frown.

“What the hell sort of question is that? Are you eventually going to ask me _how_ I would fuck her? Because if that’s what this is, then I’m done here; I don’t need to give you details like that.”

“No, I’m not going to ask about your sexual mannerisms, Cloud. Just answer the question. Would you touch her?” Zack asked, annoyance laced between his words. The blonde glared at him for a moment before huffing a sigh and shrugging.

“Probably, yeah,” he said, his tone suspicious.

“Okay,” the other agreed, making another note. He glanced across the table at Rude. “Your turn.”

“I wouldn’t do anything to her. I wouldn’t have any interest,” Rude said.

Cloud snorted in disbelief. “That’s a crock of shit.”

“Not really,” Rude insisted. “I don’t go out to places with the intent of fucking people and forgetting about them. I’m not that loose.”

“I don’t believe it,” the blonde said, waving a dismissive hand. “Women like big guys like you. I can’t imagine you haven’t used that to your advantage at some point. If you haven’t, then you’re an idiot.”

“I don’t think I’m an idiot for valuing the people that I get personal with.”

“Is that what you call it? How many women have you ‘gotten personal’ with, then?”

“Should I include Tifa?” Rude asked, briefly looking at Zack before refocusing on Cloud.

“Yeah sure,” the blonde said with a shrug.

“Three.”

“That’s a lie.”

“No, it’s not. You can ask Reno.”

“Oh, I will,” Cloud said, shaking his head with a tiny sigh as he pitied Rude’s inability to be a man. In his mind, Rude’s attitude towards sex was a waste of good genetics, not to mention a waste of time.

“Why wouldn’t you have any interest?” Zack said, steering the conversation back to where it needed to be.

“Did I not answer that already?” Rude asked.

“Not the way I meant it to be, no. Tell me what you think of the girl and why it would make you steer clear of her.”

“Well…” Rude trailed, making a thoughtful face. “I think it’s something similar to what Cloud said; she isn’t looking for the sort of attention I would prefer to give her. I wouldn’t see someone and instantly want to marry them or anything but she’s obviously looking for the sort of attention Cloud would give her. Like a onetime deal or something.”

“Because of the shorts?”

“Yeah, mostly. And the environment. If she’s showing off all the goods in a place where bodily contact on the dance floor is very possible, she’s probably looking for that in the first place.”

“Can we know why this means something?” Cloud interjected, giving Zack a tiny glare as the man took more notes on his tablet.

“Well, this exercise is to determine how much you already follow the laws that exist on the other side. Once we cross over, it’s likely you’ll have some culture shock and you could land yourself in jail without even meaning to. For instance,” the senior Charge started, settling the tablet on the table. “If you just randomly went up to this make-believe girl and grabbed her ass and she _wasn’t_ looking for that sort of attention, she could have you arrested for molestation.”

“Well then why the fuck are her shorts so tiny? That’s an invitation if I ever saw one,” Cloud said angrily.

“I was sort of thinking the same thing,” Rude admitted sheepishly.

“It’s not an invitation to touch her, though. You can look, and you can talk to her thinking that’s what she wants, but until you have permission you can’t touch,” Zack explained. “It’s extremely important to understand the differences because where we’re going to be living, rape, harassment, and molestation are taken extremely seriously. I’ll make this clear: we’re not going to be living in huge mansions in some cushy end of town. The areas we’ll be around are very low income and there’s some pretty shady shit that happens in the dark corners of it that the authorities don’t seem to care about. Prostitution is very common, as are illicit drugs. So much so that a lot of guys assume all the women around are like that so there are a _ton_ of false assumptions that result in jail time for the guy that did the assuming. We’re free to go out and have some fun but you need to pay attention and be careful with what you say and do.”

“So basically what you’re telling me is that we’re not going to live in the Midgar capitol city?” Cloud asked.

“Far from it,” Zack confirmed.

“Good. I didn’t like the horror stories I heard from there,” the blonde said. Rude stared at Cloud intently, his jaw tense. He wanted to say something, to tell the blonde what he had done to Leon, just to see if Cloud really did think the activities in the capitol city were as abhorrent as he said. He knew it wasn’t his place to say anything, but he was tempted. Zack noticed how perturbed Rude seemed to be all of a sudden, but he didn’t call him out on it.

“Anyway, moving on,” Zack said, taking up his tablet. “Neither of you lived in the capitol, right?”

“Right,” Cloud said. Rude shook his head.

“Okay, so you know you have to pay for something before you take it from a store or market?”

“Yes,” the other two said in tandem.

“Did they not have to pay for things in the capitol?” Rude asked. Zack shook his head.

“No, they had open markets where you could just take what you need and carry on. They paid for it with their humanity though, I can assure you.”

“Oh. That’s weird.”

“A little,” Zack agreed. “Both of you are aware that Mako is illegal in Balamb, yeah?”

“Yes,” they both agreed.

“Do you know why?”

“Because they’re a bunch of hippies that worship the dirt and grass?” Cloud attempted sarcastically. Zack scowled a bit and gave him an exasperated look.

“I was going to say because they believe it hurts Eden, which is more or less the same idea,” Rude admitted.

“Well, that’s almost the right idea, but it’s mostly because they don’t like the unnatural and see Mako as an artificial enhancement that does more harm than good; which is true. The same holds true for drugs on the other side. If it’s grown from the ground, it’s legal. Doesn’t matter what you’re doing with it; smoking, snorting, injecting, or whatever, it’s legal until you add something to it to make it more potent. Even if you mix together two naturally occurring things, it’s not allowed. Pretty much everything that is grown in its purest form is pretty mild and any side effects from them are seen as not very severe. Jobs can deny you employment if you use them, but you can’t be arrested for them.”

“Are we expected to go out and find a job or something?” Cloud asked. Zack shrugged.

“You’re not expected to do anything except what is required of you as Leon’s Charge. But, if you two decide that he’s better off doing things by himself, you’re allowed to go out and find a job to fill the idle time if you want to. There are Charges out there that treat Carriers as their jobs and then they go out and have families of their own with people outside the facilities.”

“I just assumed that’s the way it works. Is that not true?” the blonde said.

“It’s not supposed to,” Rude interjected. Zack raised a brow at him. The bald Charge’s demeanor shifted some and he suddenly seemed more melancholy. “Charges and Carriers are supposed to be together and have families, right?” he asked. Cloud’s eyes widened and he looked at Zack, then Rude, and then Zack again.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?” he asked. Zack held up a hand to stop him.

“Hang on a second before you flip out. First of all,” he started, fixing his eyes on Rude. “There is no set way that things are _supposed_ to happen. All our bosses care about are results. Our personal lives don’t have to be under any sort of scrutiny. You are free to live your life as you want to so long as your obligations as a Charge are met. It doesn’t matter what you do in your spare time.”

“But Reno said that Carriers can’t be with anyone but their Charge,” Rude insisted.

“That’s true. It’s illegal for Carriers to do most of the things Charges do, like have a family outside of their project. However, if that’s what you want to do, you can do that. Reno doesn’t get a choice because he’s not actually human. He is seen as a piece of property. Leon is as well.”

“Like a house plant,” Rude said.

“Right.”

“And you can’t marry a house plant.”

“Correct.”

“That’s really unfair,” Rude added.

“It is, but it’s the nature of what we’re doing. The theory goes that Carriers are supposed to make some sort of positive relationship with their Charge before they cross over together, and then the rest of it happens more naturally because you’re always around one another. There’re pairs in Tifa’s family that started out as friends and they just went from there. They never separated because they got so used to one another that they couldn’t imagine a life without the other. On the opposite side of that you have the pairs that go out and do whatever they please despite the laws. Carriers do occasionally go to find companionship outside the projects but they have to be extremely careful not to be caught.”

“What happens if they are?”

“It depends on how they’re caught and if the human in the equation gives a damn. If a Carrier hides what they are, and the other person doesn’t like that, there have been times were Carriers have been arrested and left in a cell to starve to death,” Zack said.

“That’s… really excessive,” Rude said, furrowing his brows. Zack shrugged.

“Some people feel very strongly about the human-on-human relationship. Personally, I think Carriers are more human than humans are. They all have an infinite amount of compassion the likes of which I’ve never been able to find in actual humanity. To me, they are the ideal person. They’re what everyone should be.”

“Have you ever had a conversation with Leon? Are you _sure_ he’s what everyone should be?” Cloud asked suspiciously.

“Yeah, actually, I do. His public personality isn’t ideal but his mentality on life and his project is what everyone should be thinking about. Reno told me a lot about what he was like as they spent their time over here, and it astounds me that such an outwardly cold person could have as much emotion as he does.”

“Are we talking about the same person? That makes zero sense.”

“It makes a lot of sense,” Zack said. He leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest. “Did you know you had three sisters?” he asked. Cloud raised a brow.

“No? There were only two girls that lived with me growing up and neither of them were related to me,” the blonde said.

“Well, Leon knows about them. Your government took two of them because they were born first, and the third was after you but taken because your father was from Balamb. So, I guess you technically don’t have any sisters, but they were there for a few minutes. Regardless, according to Reno, all Leon needed to know was that they existed and that they were killed for no reason for him to be upset. And by ‘upset’ I really mean _upset_. For _days_.”

“What’s your point? The guy cries over every stupid tiny thing.”

“You don’t think it takes compassion and a love of life to get upset over children dying? Children you don’t even know and had no personal contact with? You’re not bothered that your sisters were taken from you before you could even know them?”

“I’m not going to go out and say killing kids is right or justified, but I’m not going to take it as a personal affront against me and fall to pieces over it if I hear about it. And I didn’t even know I had sisters until a minute ago so no, I don’t feel much about it,” Cloud said. “It actually bothers me more that my father was supposedly from Balamb. I didn’t know that either.”

“I see your point,” Rude interjected, casting a meaningful look at Zack.

“Am I supposed to cry myself to sleep every time a baby dies or something? Is that what it’s like in your world?” the blonde asked, his tone turning sharp.

“I guess not,” Zack said, running a hand through his hair. He let out a loud sigh. “I’m trying really hard not to judge but I have to say that I find it somewhat disturbing that you don’t feel anything when I say that your infant family members were murdered for no reason. That’s cold, man.”

“I didn’t know them! I have absolutely zero connection to them! Why am I supposed to be upset?” Cloud asked, slamming his hands on the table.

“It doesn’t matter if they’re related to you or not, honestly,” Rude said. “My mother used to get really upset whenever they talked about the capitol on the news. They way they treated the women and children there was really awful and she would cry a lot just because it was sad. I feel bad for your sisters because the circumstances are really terrible. You don’t have to have a meltdown because of it, but to feel _nothing_ is sort of strange.”

“Then I guess I’m strange. Like this is a huge surprise,” Cloud spat angrily. Zack and Rude watched the blonde closely for a moment.

“Anyway,” the bald Charge continued. “So if we go off and find other people, Leon and Reno are more or less fucked unless they want to go out and break laws?” he asked.

Zack shrugged. “That’s what their options are, yes. Whether or not that means they’re fucked, I can’t say. They might not care about relationships as much as some people do.”

“Reno does,” Rude said, his expression drooping.

“Well so long as I don’t _have_ to do anything with him, I don’t give a damn about what Leon does or what the others do,” Cloud said.

“You don’t feel guilty?” Rude asked.

“No, why should I? He’s the one that picked me, right? He should’ve known there was a chance that I wasn’t going to be interested in him.”

“He picked you, but you followed him. You didn’t have to.”

“I followed him because there are things he offered me that I can’t get here. Having a job to do on the other side is secondary. It also helps that I literally have no ties to this place anymore. Everything I cared about has died one way or another, so I have nothing to lose. He said I could walk away if I wanted to as well.”

“Are you planning to?”

“I might if a relationship with him is forced down my throat. That’s not my bag,” the blonde said, scowling.

“You don’t care about him at all?”

“No.”

“That’s cruel,” Rude said.

“That’s his choice,” Zack interrupted.

“Yeah, but it’s still cruel. He doesn’t even care if Leon is left unhappily by himself for the rest of forever? Who the fuck wills that on someone else?”

“I don’t will it on anyone,” Cloud said. “But it’s equally cruel to expect me to be something I’m not.”

“You can’t even be his friend?”

“Not while he’s like he is now. I _really_ don’t like him,” the blonde said.

It was taking every ounce of willpower Rude had to not reach across the table and slap Cloud across the mouth. At the current point in their adventure together, Rude did consider Leon a friend. The brunette was a bit prickly to be around, but Rude didn’t blame him. Leon had every reason to be the way he was, but it was apparent that Cloud couldn’t think outside the box in order to figure that out. There was so much that Rude wanted to say that he knew he shouldn’t, and the effort it took to keep quiet was almost painful.

“I…” he trailed, averting his eyes and shaking his head as he tried to keep face. “I can’t be around you anymore. Your attitude towards other people just…”

“Just what?” Cloud asked, his voice cold as he fixed an icy stare on the other Charge.

“Honestly? It makes me want to puke a little. And by ‘a little’ I mean several barrels full. So, I’m done for now,” Rude said, pushing his seat away from the table so he could stand. “Zack, if you need more from me, feel free to find me later. For now, I need to talk to Reno.”

“Sure thing,” Zack agreed, giving the other Charge a tiny wave. Rude left quickly and quietly, leaving the pair to wallow in the sudden silence. Cloud breathed a shallow sigh, his expression surly.

“Well that was about as fun as a bunch of kittens on fire,” he muttered. Cloud looked at the other man questioningly. “You don’t seem very disturbed by any of that.”

Zack shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t disagree with him, but I also understand that the way you live your life is your choice, and I can respect that. I don’t really like it, nor do I think it’ll make you very happy in the long run, but I can accept it for what it is.”

“I can appreciate that,” Cloud said. He glanced at the tablet. “Are we done?”

“Technically, no. We have a few more things to go over.”

“Are they quick?” the blonde asked, sounding impatient.

“Why? Do you have to piss or something? We have bathrooms for that,” Zack asked, raising a brow.

“No, I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’d like to go lay down,” Cloud admitted.

“You’re older than you probably think you are if you need a nap before noon, grandpa.”

“I’m really not trying to joke. If they’re quick, let’s get it over with. If not, then I’d rather we stop and finish later. I don’t feel great,” the blonde said.

“Seriously?” Zack questioned, surprised Cloud would volunteer such information. He hadn’t ever heard the blonde admit any sort of shortcoming, be it sickness or otherwise. Zack wondered how much of Cloud’s bravado was a front to keep people from figuring out how bad he really felt.

“Yeah,” the blonde said, putting a hand on his chest, trying to rub away the burning sensation he felt under his sternum.

“You mind if I have a listen?” Zack asked.

“Listen to what?”

“Your heart. Put my ear to your chest.”

“What good will that do?”

“Nothing at the moment, but it might let me know if I _can_ do anything for you,” Zack said. Cloud stared at him suspiciously for a moment before he relented and pushed himself back from the table. The other man scooted out of his seat and knelt next to him, sliding his hand around Cloud’s back. The blonde etched a deep frown on his face as he suddenly felt like Zack was trying to hug him. However, Zack simply pulled him forward and pressed his ear to the other’s chest. After a very awkward minute of listening, Zack went back to his seat. “How long were you on Mako?” he asked.

Cloud shrugged. “I don’t know. A couple years maybe? It would help if I could remember how long I’ve been away from home.”

“Hm. Did your parents do Mako?”

Again, Cloud shrugged. “I don’t know. Probably. But if my father was from Balamb, then maybe not.”

“You really have no idea about them? Leon didn’t tell you?”

“I told him not to,” the blonde said, leaning back in his seat again.

“Ah, okay. Sorry to burst your blissfully ignorant bubble, then. From my understanding, your father was part of the Midgar military and your mother was from the capitol. I can’t imagine your father wasn’t doing Mako but there’s a chance your mother didn’t.”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because I’m really surprised you can sit upright with how weak your heart is. I’m not completely sure how long it takes for Mako to do heart damage, so I can’t say if it was your time in the military that did it, or if your parents passed some of the problems on to you. I’m almost certain it’s just a bad combination of both, though,” Zack explained. Cloud furrowed his brows together.

“Are you telling me I’m dying?”

“We’re all dying, man. But seriously? Yes. If you were staying here for any longer than we are, I would be worried. However, luckily for you, we have the technology on the other side to fix it for you. Our bosses will just pull a new heart out of the storage closet and replace yours, most likely,” Zack said, taking up his tablet. He brought up a calendar and scrolled through it for a moment. “Ten days is the earliest the portal can open again, so I would assume we wouldn’t be here much longer than that. Think you can survive ten days?”

“I guess?” Cloud mumbled. He wasn’t completely registering everything Zack was saying; his mind was stuck on how right Leon had been about his heart and how unhealthy it was. He could feel it now. The Carrier hadn’t been lying to him in order to manipulate him into following the plan, and he couldn’t decide how he felt about that realization. “I have a question though,” he said.

“Sure.”

“If I’m doing so badly, how did I get better for a little while?”

“How long have you felt crappy like this?”

“Not very long, I don’t think. I felt sort of like shit before but not like this. A couple months, maybe?”

“Before or after Leon came after you and Reno?”

“After.”

“Do you remember any chest pain between now and then?”

“Yeah, right after we ran back here, actually. Not much after that, though.”

“Describe it to me.”

“Uhh…” Cloud trailed, trying to recall specifics. “It hurt so much that it made my back and arms hurt. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t breathe.”

“Hm. Okay,” Zack said. He was worried, but he was making every attempt he could in order to keep the problems to himself. The last thing Cloud needed was a panic attack.

“Is that significant? I’ve had chest pain before just… not like that.”

“Running away from Leon was probably why you got worse after you got better. But it doesn’t matter, honestly. The fact remains that your heart is in a bad way and it needs to be fixed, which we can do. The pain is significant, but the end result will be the same regardless. Just take it easy until we can cross over.”

“Okay…” the blonde trailed, trying to decide if he appreciated Zack skirting around his problem or not. Part of him wanted the facts and to know just how bad he was doing, but the other part of him wanted to remain ignorant. He eventually gave in and decided it was best if he just went to lie down and do what he was told.

\---------------------

“Reno,” Rude blurted abruptly, stepping through the redhead’s bathroom door without any notice. Reno, who had been taking a light snooze against his mountain of pillows popped awake out of surprise and confusedly looked around.

“Huh?! What? I’m awake,” the redhead sputtered quickly, eyes wide. He finally noticed Rude and let out a loud sigh, sinking back into his cushions again. “Fucking hell, man, you scared me,” he said.

“Sorry. Didn’t think you’d be asleep.”

“Neither did I. I didn’t do it on purpose,” Reno agreed, closing the book he had been unsuccessfully attempting to read for the last two hours. He set it aside. “What’s up? How did the thing with Zack go? Did you pass with flying colors because you’re a perfect angel?”

“I don’t know. We didn’t finish. I couldn’t stand to be around Cloud anymore,” Rude admitted, going to take a seat next to Reno on the bed.

“He’s really that much of a dickweed is he? I could’ve told you that and saved you the surprise.”

“I understood he was an asshole but this is the first he’s ever tried to explain himself to me and I just couldn’t follow his logic at all. He basically told us that he’s only using Leon to get the things he can’t get here. I wouldn’t put it past him to just up and leave if he decides he’s done at some point; like he’s gotten everything he wants and has no further obligation,” the Charge explained.

“Yeah, well, not everybody is as understanding as you are.”

“I know, but he apparently can’t even be Leon’s friend and just… respect him as you would another person. It’s disgusting.”

“Believe me, I know. I’m waiting here with a bucket so I can pick of the pieces when their whole situation crumbles apart.”

“Isn’t there something we can do?”

“Other than kill Cloud? No, not really. I can appreciate how strongly you feel about this, though. It’s cute. What changed?”

“Have you noticed how quiet Leon’s gotten over the last few weeks?” Rude asked. He folded his legs under himself, balanced his elbow on his knee, and his chin on his palm.

“It’s been longer than that, but yeah. I have,” the redhead said.

“Oh. You didn’t say anything so I didn’t think you were paying attention.”

“I thought I was the only one that was, actually. Glad to know I’m not crazy.”

“Do you think Leon knows it’s going to fall apart?”

“It’s possible. He wouldn’t admit it in a million years, though, I can promise you that,” Reno said, making a thoughtful face. “At least not to us. He might admit it to himself. I’ve tried to get him to talk to me but he keeps insisting he’s fine, so there isn’t much I can do for him.”

“I see,” Rude said, falling silent. Reno studied his Charge’s serious face for a moment, noticing the obvious restraint the other man was putting forth. There was more to be said, but the redhead wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what it was. But, for the sake of Rude’s sanity, he figured he’d ask.

“You’re not telling me something. What’s on your mind?” Reno asked. Rude sucked in a deep breath and let it out through his nose, tapping his fingertips against his cheek. He was quiet for a couple minutes that seemed to drag on for an eternity. Eventually, he was able to muster up the gumption to speak.

“Zack said some stuff that made me think about what we’re doing and where you and I are going.”

“I’m not sure I follow. Did you need me to explain what the project is again?”

“No. I meant on a personal level.”

“…Oh,” Reno said hesitantly. Suddenly nervous, he started fiddling with the hem of his blanket, trying to focus on anything else but Rude. His Charge hadn’t said anything about what the status of their relationship was in a very long time. He didn’t even know how often Rude thought about it or if this was a one-off instance.

“He said that there were pairs in Tifa’s family that started as friends and just never separated because they got so used to one another and things developed from there. I hadn’t ever considered it that way. I was sort of waiting for that weird minute of clarity where things might suddenly change and we’d magically end up where you wanted us to be,” Rude started, taking his time to find the right words to describe his thought process.

“Yeah?” Reno piped, not liking where the conversation was heading. With things being ‘weird’ and ‘magically’ happening, it sounded like Rude was preparing to tell him nothing was ever going to happen. As if having a loving relationship together was a fantasy and would only ever be just that. It would never be the way Reno wanted it to happen.

“Yeah. And I realized that, when I thought about the possibility of going off to find someone to have a family with outside of the project, I couldn’t imagine leaving you behind. Not even because of the guilt or whatever, but because I just… couldn’t imagine not seeing you every day,” Rude admitted, giving Reno a sideways glance. The redhead was making every effort possible to not look at him. He seemed shocked and was simply sitting and staring ahead of himself at his blanket with widened eyes. “Reno?” the Charge asked sheepishly.

Reno inhaled a deep breath before turning his attention to Rude. “Hm? Sorry. I forgot how to breathe for a second.”

“Should I not have said anything?”

“No no! I’m glad you did. But I was expecting something else. You caught me off guard,” the redhead said quickly.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Really, don’t. But, if you want to see me every day, you could just call me; pretty much all the phones where I’m from show video of the other person. You don’t have to hold yourself back from having a proper family just because you want to look at my face every day,” Reno said, forcing a joking grin as he waggled his eyebrows at his Charge. Rude wasn’t very amused.

“Why are you dismissing this?” he asked flatly. The redhead’s expression faltered and slowly slid into a tiny frown. He huffed an anxious laugh in spite of himself.

“Because I don’t believe you’ve thought this through very much. I feel like you’re acting on an impulse, which isn’t what you normally do. We’ve been pretty much glued to one another for the last five years more or less, so of course you’re not going to be able to imagine living without me. But once you’re free again and can meet people, it’s probably going to change, and that’s okay,” Reno explained, giving Rude a small wavering smile. The redhead’s heart was beginning to crack and break as his Charge’s expression turned sad. He knew he was hurting Rude’s feelings, but Reno couldn’t let himself fall into the blissful trap he had set for himself before. He didn’t want to pull himself up so high that the inevitable fall hurt more than it needed to. Rude would eventually understand what a mistake he was making by limiting himself, Reno was sure.

“But it’s not an impulse. I’ve thought about this a lot, just from the wrong perspective. I was finally able to see it another way and I wanted to tell you what it told me. But you’re dismissing it as if you’ve already written me off as a lost cause or an impossibility,” Rude explained, his brows pushed together dejectedly.

“That’s not true,” Reno said. He felt like he was lying. “But…” he trailed, heaving a heavy sigh. He ran his fingers through his hair anxiously. “My worst nightmare is you forcing yourself into what I want, and letting me get used to it for however long, and then having everything fall apart because you’ve made yourself miserable by living a lie. I would much rather have you as a forever friend than a temporary lover because I can’t imagine not seeing you every day, either. This…” he drifted again, taking a deep shaking breath as the anxiety made tears sting the backs of his eyes. “This conversation really scares me because I don’t feel anything but dread. I’m not even trying to be dramatic; I really dread where this is going if this is how you want to start things between us.”

“But I _have_ been thinking a lot—“

“And that’s fine, but I’ve gotten zero indication of that from you. Nothing’s changed, man. Aside from helping me out when my parents died, nothing has given me the indication you’re even remotely okay with this. Does that make sense?”

“I guess…”

“Listen to me,” Reno said, fixing serious eyes on his Charge. “You don’t love me. I can feel that. Until you can make me believe that you care about me as much as I care about you, I don’t want to hear any bullshit like you’re giving up the other possibilities you have for your future for me. If I actually believed you were on the same page with me, and you said so, we’d be getting married tomorrow without hesitation. I’m already to that point, and I have been for a lot longer than you’ve even been alive, man. I cannot express in words how much love I have for you, Rude. I really can’t. And until I feel it from you, I’m not going to let you ruin either of our lives. You get me?” the redhead said sternly, almost angrily. Rude stared at him with a sort of deer-in-the-headlights expression.

“Yeah,” the Charge said, blinking a few times as he tried to regain his bearings and clearly process everything Reno just admitted to him. He understood how Reno felt for him but he hadn’t actually considered the severity of the feelings. Even then, he wasn’t sure he could completely comprehend how huge of a deal such decisions were for Reno. But he wanted to try anyway.

“Good,” the redhead said curtly, leaning back against his pillows again. “I blame your father for your lack of personal expression and animation. He was sort of a brick when it came to emotions, too.”

“Yeah, I know. I can easily see the comparison and I hate it,” Rude muttered.

“Luckily for you, we have the time for you to fix it. My parents were almost two thousand years old, dude. You really don’t have to rush this; especially not for my sake. It makes me happy that you want to try and are still willing to be open about it, but don’t do the impulse stuff. That’s not you.”

“Yeah…” Rude trailed, furrowing his brows together.

“You don’t seem convinced.”

“I just… don’t want to be like Cloud. Ever.”

“Rude, you are the furthest thing from him in just about every way imaginable. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I know. And I know that I know, which is the stupid part. It still doesn’t stop me from worrying, though.”

“I promise you that I’ll make sure you know if you’re doing something Cloud-like. How does that sound?”

“That sounds okay.”

“Good, it’s a deal.”

“I still feel bad for Leon, though,” Rude said with a frown. He huffed a sigh.

“I think Cloud is the only one that doesn’t,” Reno said, pulling his blanket up his torso a bit more as he settled back against the pillows.

\----------------------

Cloud was having a bit of a personal crisis. The things he had learned from Zack scared him a lot more than he thought they should. The blonde knew he was sick, but he hadn’t put much thought into just how sick he really was. Between Zack corroborating what Leon said, and the realization that the Carrier never lied to him in the first place, the blonde felt torn. In Cloud’s head, Zack understood him more than anyone else he had met. Zack knew where he was coming from whenever Cloud said something that seemed a bit off by everyone else’s standards, and there was no judgment that followed. It was a nice feeling, and he found he trusted the other Charge much more than he trusted Leon; so for the two of them to say the same things to him, he felt that it validated Leon’s words much more than he cared to admit.

He hadn’t spoken to Leon outside of his lessons for almost two weeks. His Carrier had become extremely quiet ever since he attacked Reno and barely said anything to anyone. Cloud had been content to ignore him, but he had suddenly learned so many things in the last hour and he had a lot of questions. He found that he did want to know about his parents, what they did together, and whether or not their actions would cause him more health problems down the line. He wanted to know what his options were for a normal life on the other side and whether or not Leon had an opinion about how things should work, like Reno and Rude supposedly did. He felt like there were a lot of pieces missing to the puzzle, and for that he blamed himself for not thinking things through and taking it seriously.

Cloud had always felt like he had trapped himself with Leon and that it was somewhat of a mistake. He thought that so long as he got what he wanted out of the Carrier, he could eventually move on and restart things for himself and maybe forget his past life. He still didn’t like Leon very much, and he didn’t feel responsible for Leon’s happiness just like he didn’t expect Leon to be responsible for his. The Carrier was still just a means to an end, but even at his angriest, Cloud still felt like the situation was somewhat empty. Leon took everything very seriously, and the blonde couldn’t make himself understand why. He knew they had a job to do, but that’s where it ended. There was a disconnect that had become blatantly obvious after hearing Rude talk about Reno the way he did. Rude cared, and Cloud didn’t. The blonde wanted to know what he was missing, but he knew it was his own fault for not showing any interest in the first place.

The blonde pressed his ear against the bathroom door leading into Leon’s bedroom. He had already knocked several times without any sort of response and he vaguely wondered if the Carrier had died. Everything was quiet as he pushed the button on the doorway panel, trying to see if the door was locked from the other side. It wasn’t, and the entryway slid open for him. Leon was on his bed, lying with his back to the door. Stepping inside, Cloud went to see if the brunette was breathing. As he grew closer, he could tell that Leon was just sleeping; his deep breaths becoming more apparent.

There was a thick packet of papers next to the Carrier that Cloud recognized. Next to that were several pencils and a fresh pad of paper that Leon had started writing on. The brunette had fallen asleep reviewing his Charge’s previous work and trying to come up something new for him to do. Cloud picked up the packet of finished assignments and flipped through them, noticing line after line of notes crammed in the margins that were written in Leon’s very calculated handwriting. He couldn’t read them yet; he had been struggling with retaining the lessons for a while and hadn’t made much progress.

He wondered what the notes said, and whether or not they were good or bad. With how stupid he constantly felt when it came to the academic things, he was willing to bet most of them were bad. As he stood there looking everything over, his body was trying its hardest to tell him to lie down. His stomach was starting to gurgle unhappily and he felt extremely tired. Running a hand over his face, he tried to take a couple deep breaths, but he remembered how difficult it was. With a sigh, he gave in, deciding he would talk to Leon later if he still felt like it.

He gathered up the rest of the papers and pencils off of Leon’s bed and set them on the desk; a more appropriate place for them. The brunette hadn’t stirred at all for the entire time Cloud was there, and the blonde wondered how much sleep the Carrier actually got. Leon seemed perpetually tired, but the blonde had no way to explain why. All the brunette did was sit by himself and occasionally teach him things; how could he be so tired? It didn’t make any sense, but Cloud did wonder if Leon would be more pleasant to be around if he did sleep enough.

The Carrier had fallen asleep on top of the covers, and it begged the question of whether or not freezing oneself was the best way to sleep. Cloud doubted it, and he helped himself to rifling through the brunette’s closet and chest of drawers. Leon didn’t have very many things to go through, and none of it was interesting, but the blonde did eventually find a spare blanket that looked like it had never moved from the spot it was initially put in.

Unfolding it, he draped it over his Carrier in a half-assed attempt to see if Leon would get more sleep if he was warmer. Hopefully then the brunette would be easier to talk to and they might even have a day where they hated each other less. Once satisfied with the setup, he left and went to go lie down in his own space.


	69. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is Chapter 69, I thought it would be fitting to try and smash some 69-ing in there just for the lulz. However, it wouldn't make any sense and I'm sorry in advance for the disappointment therein. I hope an extra long chapter will make up for it.
> 
> We're not done by any stretch of the imagination but I do want to thank everyone that's stuck with me so far. I really appreciate the support, the comments, and all the well wishes. It all helps keep the motivation alive.
> 
> Sorry for the delay of this chapter but I really wanted to finish this arc and move onto the next. Need to get some of the Kingdom Hearts into this. I, for one, am ready for some Demyx and some Axel shenanigans.

Chapter 69

“I’m so jealous,” Reno huffed, his posture drooping.

“Why’s that?” Rude asked.

“Leon never let me play with him like that,” the redhead commented sadly. There was a long pause as Rude attempted to decipher what exactly Reno was talking about, but had little success. He knew that Leon was spending time with Tifa and Zack at the moment, but given the environment between the aforementioned pair and Reno, it was very difficult to separate the sexual subtext. Rude didn’t know how to react.

“Uh… Reno, I would appreciate some context to that, please. I can’t see them from here.”

“What do you mean?” Reno questioned, furrowing his brows. He turned around as much as he could and tried to see his Charge from over his shoulder. Then the realization dawned on him. “Oh! Oops. Well, I didn’t exactly lie. Leon doesn’t let me play with him like _that_ , either, but he and Tifa look like they’re having fun running around together.”

Reno had decided that morning that he was tired of sitting in bed spending most of his time in a constant state of sleepiness and boredom. Imposing his will on his very understanding Charge, he had coerced Rude into going outside with him to assist in an adventure. Little did Rude know that meant that he would have to act as a step ladder for Reno to use in order to climb a tree, but he wasn’t very upset by it. The redhead hadn’t expected him to comply so readily, but was happy that he did. Reno had never climbed a tree before and he figured he should have the experience before heading back home despite only being able to use one arm.

From where he was sitting in the branches, he could see into one of the clearings that was near a popular fishing spot where Leon, Tifa, and Zack were. The two feline Carriers were in their Primal forms and had been given a thorough exam by Zack so he could complete his reports. Once the work was done, though, Tifa wasn’t up for lounging around lazily like Leon would’ve preferred. She immediately bounded over her Charge and collided into the side of Leon’s neck, wrapping her forepaws around his mane and shoving him to the ground. After playfully rolling around in the grass together for a moment, the chase was on. Or so she hoped.

Tifa released Leon and lightly whacked his snout with a paw before speeding away from him. She skid to a stop, sliding her back end around in a half-arc so she was mostly facing him. With her front end low to the ground and her tail in the air, she waited for him to react, prepared to run away again when necessary. Leon didn’t seem amused. He lay in the grass where she left him, staring at her blandly. Reaching forward to claw at the grass, he stretched all his legs, bending himself around as much as he could until his spine turned concave. After that, he heaved a heavy tired sigh and lay still.

This was not what Tifa had been hoping for. She wondered if Leon would ever humor her whenever she did something he didn’t all the way agree with. Be it cuddling or sharing personal things, it seemed like such a useless effort to interact with him because he never tried to reciprocate. Dejected, she gave in quickly and padded over to him. Leon barely ever talked to her about himself, and she desperately wondered why he was so reclusive and depressed. Everyone had noticed how little Leon had been socializing lately, but no one could get him to say why. Burying her face in the underside of his jaw, she gently nuzzled against him, trying to urge him to get up and try goofing around for once.

“You’re making a mistake,” Zack said to Tifa’s affection, not taking his eyes off his tablet. He could tell where this was going.

Tifa looked to him briefly. Once she was distracted, Leon didn’t hesitate reaching an arm out underneath her. He hooked it around her midsection and abruptly pulled her around and over himself. Tifa let out a loud grunt as he started rolling with her again. Leon briefly pinned her to the grass before scuttling to his feet and sprinting away into the tall grasses. Thrown for a loop, it took Tifa a moment to process what had happened. She had been ambushed.

“I told you,” Zack chided from his place by the fishing shack.

Tifa ignored him and meandered into the grasses. The coverage wasn’t as dense as a few of the other deltas, but she was still having a hard time discerning what was what when she was in them; everything seemed to be the same color and texture. Leon ended up taking the upper hand again as she found herself yanked to the ground and rolled again. Once he had pinned her for a second time, he tapped her on the nose with a paw before running again. He bolted out of the grasses again and took a running jump at a tree, latching on to the bark easily. He awkwardly pulled himself up as far as he could before coming to rest on a branch. In a huff, Tifa followed him slowly. She sat at the base of the tree and looked up at him.

Meanwhile, across the way in their own tree, Rude was attempting to find a better place to sit so he could see what Reno was. His larger frame made it somewhat difficult to find a comfortable place that didn’t force him to hit his head on any branches, but he eventually found one facing the same way as his Carrier. Reno’s attention shifted between his Charge and the feline pair in the near distance.

“Are you upset?” Rude asked, settling into his new place amongst the thick foliage.

“About what?” Reno asked.

“That you can’t go out there and join them.”

“Sort of. My brain keeps telling me to be angry at Leon for hurting me but it really wasn’t anything that couldn’t have been avoided had I just listened to him. It’s my fault, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. I’m glad he seems to be having a better day today. I didn’t expect him to actually play with Tifa.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so animated before.”

“I don’t remember the last time I have, either,” the redhead said. He let out a shallow sigh and gave Rude a tiny apologetic smile. “Sorry I dragged you out here. I thought it would be more entertaining than it is.”

Rude shrugged. “I wasn’t exactly doing anything exciting. I don’t understand why you’re apologizing.”

“Because I thought doing something different today would be good but I accidently upset myself, so I feel like a buzzkill,” Reno said. He pulled a knee up so he could rest his good elbow against it. His other arm was in a sling and lying uselessly against his torso. “I’m going to miss him. Going to have to call him every day and bother him.”

“That sounds feasible.”

“It is. It’s just not the same. Our homes are a few hours apart if I remember correctly. I can’t just walk down the hall and get in his business with that much distance. We’ll have to take a few trips to go visit when we can.”

“I’m okay with that,” Rude agreed. He glanced at Reno. “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“Not really,” the redhead sighed, turning his attention to his Charge. “I just need to get over it,” he added, refocusing on Leon and Tifa.

The jaguar was busy pulling herself up the tree with much more ease and grace than her counterpart had. She was up to Leon’s level quickly, but the lion abruptly pushed off the branch he was on, dropping down to the ground. However, Tifa was right behind him. She reached out and whacked the end of Leon’s tail just as he sped away again. They started running tight laps around Zack and the fishing shed together. Leon slid to a stop after two go-arounds and suddenly turned to catch Tifa as she came at him from behind. Tackling her again, Leon flopped onto the grass, covering half of Tifa with himself and trapping her in place.

“I’m sorry if my companionship isn’t enough for you in the long run,” Rude said. Surprised, Reno pushed his brows together and looked at his Charge again.

“Where did that come from?” he asked, sounding irritated. Rude shrugged.

“I just wonder how big of a hole not having him around will leave in your life. You talk about him a lot, worry about him a lot, and probably think about him more than I realize. I don’t do much to warrant that much attention so I don’t know if I can fill that gap very well.”

“You don’t pull as much of my outward attention because you actually talk to me openly so I don’t _have_ to worry about you. Believe me, you far exceed Leon’s importance in my life, but you’ve taken the guesswork out of it. I’d rather have less worries than a clogged brain that can’t think of anything else but how fucked in the head my friend probably is. I appreciate how much you don’t complicate things more than you could imagine.”

“I see,” Rude said.

“You don’t seem to believe me.”

“I do, I just don’t know if you’ll feel the same way once we part ways with him.”

“I might need you to fill some of the free time I’ll suddenly have, but emotionally? I’ll miss him, but it’s not like we can never talk. I just have to get used to it,” Reno explained, waving a dismissive hand. “You can volunteer to be my sleep buddy; that’d soften the blow a bit.”

“Sure,” Rude said readily. Reno stared at him strangely.

“You…” the redhead trailed, dumbfounded. “You’re… really okay with that?”

“You said it would help, right?”

“… I was sort of joking. I didn’t expect—“

“I don’t have to, then. If it really makes you that uncomfortable—“

“No no! You can’t take it back! You said it; you’re committed now,” Reno said quickly. He gave his Charge a suspicious once over, examining him closely. He felt like he was missing something. Rude’s behavior was random and not very Rude-like. Eventually, the other man noticed him staring and raised a brow.

“Something wrong?” he asked.

“I just find this conversation weird, is all. I’m apprehensive.”

“Reno, you told me that you needed to see me trying if we’re to get anywhere. This is me trying. If you want to make a huge issue of it then be my guest, but you’re putting more stress on yourself than necessary.”

“You’re sure? Really?”

“Yes. Can you stop now?”

“Why?”

“Because you’re making me feel like I’m making a mistake.”

“It makes you uncomfortable?”

“Yes.”

“This is why I want to know if you’re sure.”

“It makes me uncomfortable in the way that trying something new makes everyone uncomfortable. I felt the same way after your parents passed. Give me a few more tries and I’ll be fine. You don’t have to interrogate me about it,” Rude said irritably. Reno pursed his lips thoughtfully.

“Alright fine. We can start tonight, then.”

\---------------------------------------

“That was fun,” Tifa said, pulling the straps of her brassiere up her arms and fixing the undergarment in its proper place. She then reached for the shirt Zack was holding up for her. Leon was on the other side of the fishing shack, getting dressed in as much privacy as he could find. He still didn’t want very many people finding out about his scars, even though he was sure Zack hadn’t missed them in his exam. However, Zack was too polite to ask anything outright so it was easy to think he didn’t actually notice. Leon was fine with keeping it that way.

“You two are like a couple of little kids; that was completely ridiculous,” Zack chided as a smile threatened to spread across his face.

“You’re just jealous because Leon plays with me better than you do.”

“Hey now…” the Charge said, furrowing his brows together and giving the woman a tiny glare. She laughed.

“If you’re dumb enough to take that as any sort of inappropriate innuendo, then whatever you feel about it is your own punishment. I’m not even going to argue,” Tifa dismissed. She made her way around the fishing shack just as Leon finished pulling up his pants. Without warning, she hugged him and squeezed the air from his lungs. Leon let out a loud grunt but settled his arms around her anyway.

“Hi,” he squeaked. Tifa stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek several times.

“Thank you for humoring me,” she said, standing normally again so she could rest her head against his shoulder. “I’m glad you’re having a better day today.”

“Yeah,” Leon said. He waited for Tifa to pull away before taking that as the go-ahead to head back to the inn.

“Hang on,” she said, catching his hand. He looked to her again, eyebrows raised expectantly. She smiled. “What’re your plans for the rest of the day?”

“I was going to check on Cloud and then probably start cleaning so the Shumi don’t have to pick up after us once we leave. Why?”

“Well, I was going to spend the day in the village and I wanted to know if you’d like to come with me. The portal opens tomorrow so we really don’t have much time to say our goodbyes, you know?”

“I was going to say my goodbyes tomorrow.”

“As you’re leaving? Without spending time with anyone?”

“I don’t have many friends here, Tifa. I know who a lot of them are but not very many personally.”

“That’s… really sad,” the woman said. Leon furrowed his brows together and pulled his hand out of hers.

“Sorry to disappoint you,” he muttered as he turned to leave. She hurried to catch up and stepped in front of him.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I was just surprised, is all. It’s been over twenty years that you’ve spent here and there’s _no one_ you’re going to miss?”

“Sure there are. But I said goodbye to everyone already; either by watching them be killed or having them leave me first out of necessity. The Shumi people were very good to me but I purposefully stayed away from them so I didn’t have to feel like I was leaving a second family behind. It hurts enough to know that everyone I cared about here will most likely be dead in the next few years if they haven’t died already. I don’t need to feel like that over an entire village.”

“Okay, but—“

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do. I get it. I promise I will say goodbye to everyone. Just let me do it my own way, please.”

“Leon…” Tifa trailed, sounding upset. The brunette stepped around her and started heading back towards the inn again, leaving her behind. She didn’t follow him. Zack eventually made his way over to her and took her hand. He quietly led her away towards the village.

\-------------------------------

“What the hell happened to you?” Leon spat, taking in the thin trickle of blood that had seeped its way down the side of Cloud’s face from his hair. The blonde was sitting on the edge of his bed, glaring at the floor ahead of himself. He pursed his lips thoughtfully.

“I think I had an argument with the dresser. I’m not completely sure,” Cloud said, gingerly touching the tiny wound. His Carrier left him to retrieve a rag from the bathroom. Leon wet it, rung it out, and went back to his Charge. Shooing the blonde’s hands away, he gently pushed Cloud’s hair around until he could find the spot and began patting it clean.

“Tell me what you did and why you felt compelled to fight the dresser about it,” the brunette said.

“I’ve had to pee for… a long time and I got up to use the bathroom. And then I woke up on the floor. My head hurts, my chest hurts, and there’s a chunk of hair stuck to the corner of the dresser so I assume that’s why I can’t remember anything. Or it’s just me; that’s possible too.”

“The dresser won, I believe.”

“That it did,” Cloud agreed. A sharp sting pinched the top of his head as Leon pressed too hard on his scalp. He let out a displeased grunt and leaned away from him. The Carrier scowled and pulled him back into place.

“Did you eventually get to pee?”

“Nope. Still have to.”

“You could’ve called for someone.”

“Why should I waste the energy when I knew you’d be back in here to be the mother hen just like you were a couple hours ago? It’s like clockwork.”

“But you might’ve gotten Tifa instead.”

“The odds weren’t in my favor. I’ve embarrassed the hell out of myself in front of you enough times for it to be habit; why spread that joy to anyone else? You’re privileged to have the opportunity.”

“Truthfully, it’d be more hilarious on my end if you had managed to bash your head open _and_ piss yourself. More to clean up, but still funnier,” Leon said, wiping the dried rusty red trail off of Cloud’s face. He stood back and gave the blonde a serious face. “So you have two options. I can haul you into the bathroom and drop you on the toilet and hope for the best, or I can find you a bucket and take care of it for you when you’re done.”

“I don’t like those options. Can I have another one?”

“I suppose you could piss yourself and I can change your pants for you like you’re an infant.”

“That’s a terrible option too.”

“I don’t have much to work with, Cloud. If you can somehow drag yourself into the bathroom without giving yourself more head injuries then by all means give it a try,” Leon said, waving a hand towards the bathroom door. Cloud contemplated which of his options would save him as much embarrassment as possible. He was quiet for a moment.

“Let me try standing again,” he said tiredly. With shaky hands, he pushed himself upwards, managing to stand. However, after only a few seconds of being upright, his vision blurred and his consciousness left him. Leon was there to catch him around his middle as he slumped forward. Frowning, the brunette stood there holding him awkwardly as he got his footing. Pushing him back, the Carrier gently laid his Charge on the bed again. Once he was in place, Leon stood back and waited for the blonde to come to. Cloud blearily opened his eyes not long after and stared up at the ceiling confusedly.

“Good morning. It’s the year 3034. You’ve been asleep for five hundred years,” the brunette said blandly. He crossed his arms over his chest and watched the blonde slowly process the situation. After a few minutes, Cloud brought his hands up and rubbed his face.

“Don’t say that. I might believe you.”

“Trying to stand again was a bad idea.”

“I noticed. I take it I didn’t get anywhere, then?”

“No. I’ll go find a bucket,” Leon said, taking his leave before the blonde could protest further. He was able to find the maintenance closet quickly and retrieved a small pail. The original plan was to make use of it for cleaning the floors once he was done checking on Cloud, but apparently his Charge was worse off than he initially thought. He sincerely hoped that Cloud would get over his habit of hiding how sick he was sooner rather than later. It was hard enough to read what the blonde was thinking; Leon really didn’t like trying to figure it out whilst guessing what was wrong with him physically. It was just too much to think about.

“Just leave me here to die,” the blonde mumbled when Leon returned, his face covered with his hands.

“After all the bullshit you’ve put me through? Fuck you. You’re coming with me so I can torture you on my own turf,” the Carrier said grumpily. He set the bucket next to the bed. “I’ll be back in ten minutes.”

“Yeah fine,” the blonde agreed quietly.

Leon left again and milled around in the hallway. He was worried, and started pacing as his mind raced with thought. There was never any discussion between him and the Technicians about the sort of care they were willing to give his Charge. There was a very high probability that they would deem Cloud not worth the time and effort to save. But should he be? Leon couldn’t decide if he wanted his Charge to survive or not. Their relationship was very painful sometimes and extremely strange the rest of the time. He wasn’t confident that living with Cloud on the other side would be enjoyable or even civil. He was constantly tip toeing around the blonde’s temper and hoping he wouldn’t fly off the handle randomly like he tended to do. Leon was afraid of Cloud, and he didn’t want to live out the rest of his life like that.

“Such a serious face; and here I thought you had loosened up today. You and Tifa were awesome together,” Reno interjected, shattering the brunette’s line of thought. Leon turned to him, a brow raised. “Why are you pacing a rut into the floor?” the redhead asked. Rude was behind him looking just as curious.

“I’m giving Cloud some time to take care of himself. He’s not doing very well,” Leon said.

“Take care of himself? What is he doing? Masturbating?”

“Uh, no. He isn’t. But I’m not going into details. Believe me when I say you don’t want to know.”

“Say no more. I’m convinced,” Reno said.

“I will say that he can’t stand anymore.”

“Really?”

“Not without passing out, anyway.”

“Shit,” the redhead said, furrowing his brows together.

“Yeah. I think I’m going to spend the night in his room. Even though I don’t want to,” Leon said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Don’t blame you. Is it really that much of a problem? Why can’t he just lay in the bed by himself?”

“Because he’s bent on not asking for help. He’s going to try and get up on his own if I leave him alone.”

“He’s asking for punishment, then. Let him crack his head open on the floor. He’ll learn eventually.”

“I’d rather not allow him to give himself more brain injuries if I can avoid it. I need him at least semi-functional.”

“Eh, just steal his blood and run for the hills. That’s all you really need him for.”

“True enough,” Leon said with a tiny shrug. “But, it would be a shame to only go home with a barrel of blood after all of this. I should probably take his corporeal form back with me and hope he can turn into less of a twat at some point; can probably find a magician to help me if I look hard enough.”

“Wizards are more legit, honestly; would probably be better off with one of them.”

“Whichever. I’ll try anything at this point,” Leon said with a deep sigh. A crestfallen silence passed as both Carriers couldn’t think of much else to say. The conversation had been lighthearted enough language-wise but the subject was one they had discussed again and again with little optimism. Reno eventually closed the gap between them and loosely wrapped his good arm around the other’s waist, pulling him into a light hug.

“I need you to promise me something,” the redhead said.

“What’s that?” Leon asked, lightly hugging him back.

“I want you to call me every time something new happens. Good, bad, boring, it doesn’t matter. Call me daily if you have to. I just want to know what’s going on so I don’t have to worry so much. I’ll be calling a lot, too.”

“You shouldn’t be worrying in the first place.”

“But I will be. You’re heading into really scary territory by yourself and I need to know that you’re okay.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“I’m being serious,” Reno said, pulling back. “Don’t delude yourself into thinking this is dismissible. It’s not.”

“I’m not. Believe me. I just spend almost every moment I’m awake thinking about it. I thought this conversation wouldn’t have to be about it, too.”

“Sorry, I just couldn’t tell—“

“I’m really tired of everyone apologizing, too,” the brunette said with a sigh. He pulled back from the hug and ran a hand through his hair, his brows furrowed together in frustration. “I just want to get away from here. I want to go home and forget this part of my life. I would like to work on my project so I can focus on something else other than this shithole of a situation I’ve created for myself. Is that so much to ask?”

“No, it’s not, but—“

“I’m not going to call you about every tiny thing I do, Reno.”

“But you will call, right?”

“Once or twice a week maybe? Some normal rate of communication? I’m not willing to let you know about every time I take a shit or I successfully don’t choke on my food.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know it’s not, but I’m not going to force myself to dredge up every detail of what Cloud and I do together just so you can know about it. If something big happens, I’ll let you know. If a civil and peaceful day goes by, I don’t think I’ll care enough to tell you. Just assume its fine unless I say otherwise.”

“But—“

“No buts! Just…” the brunette trailed, his posture and expression drooping. His tone turned soft, almost pleading. “Just stop. Please. Everybody keeps trying to remind me of how miserable I’ve been when all I want to do is move past it and try getting better. I had a couple days of peace and I woke up today feeling better. In the past hour I’ve had my mood shat on and pushed back to where it was last week. I’m tired of it.”

“You locked yourself in your room for four days, Leon.”

“Yeah, because all of you feel like talking to me about what my problems are. I know exactly what they are; I don’t need help remembering. Not talking to anyone was really lonely and I hated it, but it was what I wanted, and what I wanted was some goddamn peace, Reno. I’m sorry it’s not how you would handle it, but I can’t take much more of this constant back-and-forth everyone puts me though. I can’t have a normal day when I spend the entirety of it wondering when someone is going to try to ‘help’ me or tell me I didn’t do something the ‘correct’ way. Accord to Tifa, I didn’t make friends correctly. Accord to you, I need to call you about everything once we get home, because all my life has become is crisis after crisis, right? When does it stop?”

“I didn’t mean… I don’t…” Reno sputtered, the words getting caught in his throat. There was a hard lump forming in his chest as he felt an overwhelming sense of dread drop down on him. He felt like he was suddenly losing Leon, and he couldn’t think of anything to say to make it stop. The conversation was backfiring on him too quickly.

“Reno,” Rude said. The redhead turned upset eyes to his Charge. “Just leave him alone for now. He has stuff to do with Cloud,” his Charge continued. The bovine Carrier was quiet for a moment before he nodded and stepped away from Leon, going to Rude. They turned to leave together but they didn’t get very far.

“Hang on,” Leon said with a deep sigh. He closed the gap between him and Reno again. Pulling the redhead into a tight hug, he planted a kiss at his friend’s forehead.  “Please don’t make me worry about you worrying. It’ll be a weight off both of our shoulders if we can do that for each other,” he murmured against the other’s skin.

“I’ll try. Not going to promise anything, though,” Reno muttered, hugging Leon back as tightly as he could.

“I’ll take it,” the brunette agreed. After a long moment, they eventually parted and quietly went their separate ways. Leon lingered outside Cloud’s door and watched the other pair disappear into Reno’s bedroom together. Once alone again, he let out a sigh and rolled his shoulders, willing the tenseness to dissipate with little success. He then went back inside.

“Well that was an interesting conversation,” the blonde said, his words muffled by a pillow. He had heard almost everything. Leon ignored him and went to retrieve the bucket. He stepped into the bathroom to empty its contents in the toilet before using the tub to rinse it out again. Taking it back into the bedroom, he set it down next to the bed again.

“Has your urine always smelled metallic?” the Carrier asked, scowling.

“Excuse me?” Cloud blurted, sounding disturbed by the question. He pulled the pillow off his face and gave Leon a tiny glare. The brunette raised a brow expectantly.

“Has your piss always smelled like a handful of old coins?” Leon repeated.

“What the hell kind of weird question is that?”

“I understand how strange it sounds, but just humor me for a second.”

“Why are you snorting piss?”

“I’m not. Answer the question.”

“I never noticed a misplaced smell.”

“Maybe it’s just me, then,” the Carrier said.

“Can you answer my question, now?”

“Which would be?”

“Why are you snorting piss?”

“I already answered that: I’m not. I just have a really sensitive sense of smell, is all. Believe me, if I could make it stop I would.”

“That’s weird.”

“You seem to think that I’m weird in my entirety so why should I be surprised? Little do you realize you’re going to live on a compound with a ton more people just like me,” Leon said with a shrug.

“Well that’s just about the best horror story I’ve ever heard. I can barely handle one of you let alone an entire community,” the blonde said, his eyes widening at the thought of hundreds of dumpy angry Leon clones staring at him and being strange together. His Carrier wasn’t amused and gave him a tiny glare.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know, but you leave these conversational doors wide open and just I can’t help myself,” Cloud said, shrugging. Leon let out an exasperated sigh. The blonde made a thoughtful face. “Do you really only need me for my blood?” he asked curiously.

“Technically, yes. If you want to get even _more_ technical, I could just have you spit in a cup and take that with me. However, that would make our job infinitely more difficult. It also helps to have an extra pair of hands to work with on all the machinery and things. Regardless of what you may believe, I do actually value you more than just your blood.”

“I feel like you’re calling me a commodity.”

“More or less.”

“Gee, what a way to make a guy feel special,” Cloud mumbled. Leon shrugged his indifference.

“You should feel special. I had an entire catalog of commodities to choose from and I chose you.”

Cloud snorted. “Well that was stupid. Why would you do such a thing?”

“Mostly because I was laughing at your hair so hard my hand slipped and hit the ‘accept’ button.”

“Hey, if I could make it do anything but go everywhere, I would,” the blonde said. He huffed a shallow sigh and sluggishly rolled onto his stomach, attempting to get comfortable again. “By the way, I don’t need you to sleep in here tonight.”

“I don’t trust you to not get up again.”

“I won’t. Just laying here makes me dizzy. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Still don’t trust you.”

“Well, I hope you like sleeping on the floor, then.”

“That was my plan; will probably shove my mattress in here.”

“Or you could skip that and just not stay in here.”

“It’s true, I could skip it. But I’m not. Sorry.”

Cloud sighed, relenting. “Suit yourself.”

\------------------

That evening, neither Cloud nor Leon slept very much. The blonde was bent on not closing his eyes and stared up at his ceiling trying to focus on anything but sleep. He was afraid of drifting off and not waking up again. The overwhelming feeling of doubt and impending doom he felt made his dilapidated heart race with anxiety as much as it could. Cloud didn’t want to die; not like that. However, his pride wouldn’t let him tell Leon how bad he truly felt. The thought of the brunette having to be his nurse still wasn’t appealing to him despite how much he really felt like he was dying.

To Leon, the entire night was very surreal. Cloud was very talkative for no real reason. He could hear in the blonde’s voice how much his Charge was struggling, but he didn’t try to make the other go to sleep. There was a part of him that liked the civil conversation and the mild back-and-forth discussion they would have. The subject matter was perplexing though. Cloud hadn’t mentioned his parents for a very long time and Leon was still under the impression that the blonde didn’t want to know anything about them. However, most of the talking centered on Cloud asking questions about them.

“Their circumstances were very strange. After your mother’s partner passed your father happened to overhear her talking about him and decided to take her in for himself. I got the feeling he was sort of the odd guy out because he didn’t have a live-in woman with him in his… weird soldier community or whatever it was outside the city,” Leon explained. He had pulled his mattress into the blonde’s bedroom and was laying on it on his back talking up at the ceiling.

“So, she eventually grew out of the role and upgraded but she basically was just a random whore he just grabbed off the street? Great,” Cloud concluded with a dejected sigh.

“No, actually, I like to think she was above that. His reasoning was very sound. He saw her as cleaner than most other women because she had only been with one other person, presumably. She hadn’t been, but he didn’t know that.”

“Was she pretty at least?”

“She was very pretty. You look a lot like her.”

Cloud let out an indignant snort. “Great.”

“You don’t seem very pleased to know that.”

“I hate my face.”

“Do you really? Why?” Leon asked, scrunching his own face up confusedly.

“Because it makes people call me angel-faced. Baby-faced. Whatever. It’s demeaning,” the blonde explained. Leon could easily remember several occasions where his Charge’s face had been brought into a conversation but he couldn’t recall Cloud ever reacting to it.

“I suppose so. But, I’d consider those compliments.”

“Yeah, well, you might be okay with having a girl face but I’m not particularly fond of it. I don’t like people staring at me.”

“People stared at you?”

“I felt like they were.”

“I don’t remember anything like that,” the brunette said even though it wasn’t the whole truth. He had very vivid memories of Pierce and all the negative attention he had given Cloud. To his knowledge the blonde didn’t remember anything about his basic training and the internment camp he had stayed in. Leon wanted to keep it that way, so he kept the details to himself.

“I do.”

“You’re paranoid.”

Cloud shrugged. “Even if I am, it doesn’t matter. I can’t do anything about it so I’ve convinced myself not to care. I find that people care less as I get older.”

“That’s generally the way it works. Children are supposed to grow out of teasing. If adults are going to make fun of you, there’re way more painful ways to do it than commenting about your face.”

“True,” the blonde said with a tiny sigh. He brought his hands up and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“Go to sleep already.”

“Not tired,” Cloud said; a very obvious lie.

“You have to be. There’s no way you couldn’t be.”

“Nope. I’m fine.”

Leon gave the blonde a tiny glare, though his Charge couldn’t see it in the darkness. “Well I am. You can stay awake if you want to but I’m going to sleep,” he said grumpily. Rolling onto his stomach, he folded his arms in front of himself and rested his cheek on them, closing his eyes.

All was quiet for a short while as Cloud stewed in his worry. He tapped his fingers on his blanket, attempting to find a way to keep himself occupied and distracted. There wasn’t enough energy in him to toss and turn restlessly, otherwise he would’ve. All he could muster up the effort to do was roll onto his side, but that made him even more tired. His arms felt extremely heavy every time he tried to move them and it took a frightening amount of effort to do so. Eventually, he couldn’t stand being quiet anymore.

“So my father really was from Balamb?” he asked abruptly, startling Leon out of his drifting snooze. The brunette’s eyes popped open again and he glared at his Charge again.

“Fucking hell, Cloud. Go to sleep!” he barked. “Is this you trying to get me to leave? You’re just going to annoy me until I get fed up? Because it’s working.”

“No, it was a legitimate question,” the blonde said simply.

“Ask me legitimate questions when I’m not exhausted, please. We’ll have the time to talk about anything and everything once we cross over.”

“I know. I just…” Cloud drifted, falling quiet again. He couldn’t bring himself to say much more than that. Scared out of his mind, he couldn’t put into words how much he wanted help trying to avoid tomorrow. He just needed a distraction, he thought. So long as he didn’t sleep, he wouldn’t die. For as illogical as it was, there was still some comfort in that idea. But, Leon wasn’t willing to give him that.

“Just what?” the Carrier asked impatiently.

 _Just help me forget that I’m dying_. _I can’t remember anything else, why does this get to be one of the things I constantly think about?_ the blonde thought. “Never mind,” he said aloud.

“Fine,” Leon agreed, his patience at its limit. It felt like his Charge wasn’t telling him the entire story, and he was sure there was something wrong, but he was tired of chasing down answers. If Cloud needed something, then Cloud needed to ask. Leon didn’t have the mental fortitude to keep guessing and hoping for the best.

\---------------------

“There is _no way_ in the world these are going to fit me,” Rude said the next day, holding up the pair of bland beige shorts Zack had handed him. “I mean, not without crushing everything on my body I hold dear.”

“Yeah, I had my doubts too. We don’t have any bigger ones, though,” Zack said.

“Why can’t I just wear the ones I’m already in?” Rude asked. Zack shrugged.

“Because my bosses said everyone needed to come back in these. They said that inorganic materials couldn’t come through the portal. Inorganic meaning things that are made of stuff that is manmade. Like plastic and fake fabrics and things.”

“Which begs an interesting question,” Reno piped from his place on the sofa. Tifa was sprawled out underneath him and he was resting his face against her stomach as she combed her fingers through his hair. He spoke with his eyes closed peacefully. “How in the hell do Carriers go through portals? And our equipment for that matter? We’re made from inorganic stuff. Theoretically, from what they make it sound like, we should come through the other side without skin.”

“No, no, no, that’s not the way it works. Anything can pass through, however, when coming back everything needs to be easily disposed of if it causes a problem. For argument’s sake, let’s say this atmosphere is a little different than the one back home. It might be perfectly livable, but it might keep certain things in check. But, if a poisonous spore from some alien mushroom happens to hitch a ride on someone’s sock, it could react with our home atmosphere and create a serious problem if it suddenly grew out of control. To keep those sorts of instances to a minimum we can only bring back things we brought with us and foreign organic materials. Natural fibers are much easier to incinerate than manmade ones in the event of an emergency,” Zack explained.

“I see. That makes a little more sense. They could just tell us that, though, instead of making it sound like the world is going to end if we bring back a plastic gum wrapper by accident,” Reno said.

“Well, I suppose it takes away from the temptation of trying to smuggle something home if people believe there is real personal risk involved.”

“Also true,” the redhead agreed. Peeling his eyes open, he looked up at Tifa. “Let’s hope there aren’t poisonous alien mushrooms on all your toys. They could be confiscated.”

“I only brought ones I was okay with losing,” the woman said, waving a dismissive hand.

“I will say that inorganic materials complicate the transport process through the dimensional rift, though. Carriers actually travel a lot slower through the doorways because of their inorganic and complicated makeup. Which is why, when the time does come to go through, Carriers usually hold their Charges. The human counterpart slows down when in contact with inorganic substances and they end up going at the same speed. Luggage is the same way. Our bags actually came through the portal after us because neither of us were holding them. It was weird,” Zack said, taking the shorts from Rude.

“What happens if Carriers don’t hold their Charges?” the other Charge asked curiously. Zack shrugged.

“You make it through to the other side first. It’s not really a huge deal but some people don’t like waking up in a strange place not being able to understand the random people touching them and ripping their clothing off if it has some sort of harmful contagion on it.”

“Oh,” Rude deadpanned. “Should I worry that there’s going to be foreign people stripping me?”

“They shouldn’t need to. The Technicians have worked with the Shumi people for a very long time and they’re aware of the plants and atmosphere here. It’s isolated enough down here that they don’t have to worry too much about harmful substances they didn’t know about suddenly appearing. They’ll still scan you, though. But you probably won’t be awake for it. People are usually out for a while after they cross over just because it’s really stressful on the body.”

“Technicians walk through the portals like it’s no big deal, though,” Reno said.

“They’re conditioned for it. They do it almost every day and they’re put through a pretty rigorous training regimen and physical exam before they can even be certified. Just like astronauts and normal space travel,” Zack said.

“Ah, I see. How do you know all of that?” the redhead asked.

“Because I looked it up. There was a time when I considered becoming a Technician.”

“Instead of being a Charge?” Reno questioned, glancing up at Tifa. She didn’t seem bothered by the conversation in the least.

“In addition to. I wanted to do both.”

“Why?”

“Because it has a lot of perks. There’re two ways to escape life in a facility. You’re productive enough to earn a home and can relax some, or you pay out the ass for it. It’s a lot easier to just do as you’re told and make a bunch of Carriers and have a successful project than it is to save up the massive amount of money it takes to get a house,” Zack explained as he worked on folding the pile of clothing that was overflowing off the dining table. He started tucking the articles back into the bags he and Tifa had crossed over with.

“I never really looked into it. Is it really that expensive?”

“When you want to live with a Carrier it is. The housing permits that you need in order to establish residence for a Carrier outside of their facility are _stupid_ expensive; I’m talking millions of credits. You also have to renew them every year which is more money. Not to mention the house itself and all the legalities and wavers and agreements you have to go through for that. But, if you become a Technician, the Carrier permits are free after you put in two years of service.”

“So could you theoretically become a Technician and work for a while, get the free permits, and then quit and go back to being just a Charge again?”

“That was originally my idea. It’d be really stressful and difficult for a couple years, but then I thought Tifa and I could get away from the facility and have somewhat of a normal life. But when I reread my Charge contract I found that after you get the free permits you have to put in at least fifteen more years of Technician service otherwise it voids both of your contracts and you’re cut from the projects entirely. I couldn’t do that. A couple years were feasible in my head, but I can’t spend that much time away from Tifa for that long. I just don’t have it in me. So I guess, in a monetary sense the permits are free, but then you pay for it in work,” Zack explained.

“A _lot_ of work,” Tifa added. “The amount of things a Technician has in their job description is absolutely ridiculous. There are literally dozens of pages of things they need to be certified and trained in before they can have the job. It would’ve taken Zack a decade to get it done just so he’d be qualified. It’s an entire college degree in of itself.”

“Wow. I had no idea,” Reno said.

“But the money is good. _Very_ good. No one will ever say that Technicians aren’t paid enough,” Zack said. “But rightfully so. They’re all extremely intelligent and they put themselves in a lot of risk when they travel through worlds as often as they do. They go through molecular deconstruction and reconstruction on a regular basis; basically being ripped apart in one place and then put back together again in another place. It causes a lot of problems for a lot of them. Their turnover rate is high.”

“I suppose that’s true,” the redhead agreed.

 “So, here I am still,” Zack said flatly.

“You don’t like being a Charge?” Reno asked, taking note of the other man’s tone.

“Oh, I do. I love the work I do very much. But the way I’m living my life is not what I want it to be. I want my own home, my own space, and I want to be part of the human society just as much as I am the Carrier one. Living in a facility is not something I ever wanted to do, and it really hinders retaining friendships outside of the projects. Family is a wonderful thing but sometimes a guy just wants to go out and be normal for a week.”

“It’s hard to make friends?” Rude asked. Zack shrugged.

“It’s difficult to find people amongst the general public that don’t see Carriers as some sort of abnormal phenomenon that should be scrutinized. People either love it and think it’s a weird fetish, or they hate everything having to do with it. There’re very few in between. Plus, we tend to outlive our friends because we get stasis treatments for free. The area we live in isn’t exactly the wealthiest and the majority of people age naturally and subsequently die of old age at some point. So, I can make friends well enough, but it’s really difficult to make them last.”

“I see,” the other Charge said, sitting heavily in the spare dining chair. Reno watched him closely, gauging Rude’s expression. The redhead could tell his Charge was beginning to dwell, once again, on the potential social issues they would run into on the other side. But, Reno couldn’t think of any comforting words to say that would fix the problem. There wasn’t an easy solution.

Leon eventually trudged his way up into the main living space. His restless night left him with dark rings beginning to form under his eyes, but despite the lack of comfortable sleep, he had done what he said he would. He woke up early and went into the village to say his goodbyes to the villagers. There were only a few he could remember the titles of and even less he could remember the names of. He knew he should’ve been upset by his lack of immersion and leaving behind what was essentially his second home, but he wasn’t. He felt empty. His mind was cloaked in a veil of unfeeling nothingness, and he was apprehensive about it. He wondered if the grief would crash into him eventually.

“You’re so young and spry looking today,” Reno teased, raising a brow at his friend as the brunette quietly went to the refrigerator. Leon pulled it open and retrieved a plate of fish cubes and went to sit at Reno and Tifa’s feet on the couch.

“Thanks, I put on my best princess costume just for today. With I-feel-dead-inside-eyeliner and everything,” Leon muttered blandly as he started to eat.

“That was a little too dark to be a joke, dude,” Reno said, pushing himself up to a sitting position between Tifa’s legs.

“If I had had more sleep, I would feel better.”

“Mattress on the floor wasn’t comfy enough?”

“Cloud wouldn’t shut up. He finally passed out about an hour before my alarm went off. I could’ve killed him,” Leon said blandly.

“Why didn’t you leave?”

“Because I got the impression he didn’t want me to. And he was talking, which isn’t something he normally does with me. Not unless you count irritated grunts as conversation starters.”

“Weird,” Reno said, furrowing his brows together.

“What was he talking about?” Zack piped from behind the laundry pile.

“It was more like he was asking me questions and responding with commentary. He didn’t actually try to tell me anything. We mostly talked about his parents.”

“Oh, he finally got around to asking you? He showed interest months ago; I thought he had since forgotten.”

“Nope; he was just waiting until I was half asleep to bring it up.”

“Very strange,” Zack said.

“He’s been cooped up in his room for forever; maybe he’s lonely,” Tifa commented. She pushed herself up and loosely wrapped her arms around Reno’s middle and rested her face between his shoulder blades. The redhead smiled a bit.

“If he’s lonely, he’s not very good at letting anyone know. I’m sure he feels much worse than he’s letting on but he makes every effort to not make it obvious. There’s no way he thinks he’s fine. He’s either really stubborn, or in denial. Or both,” Leon said. He raised a brow at Reno and Tifa. “Should I not sit here? Did you need more space?” he asked curiously.

“You’re fine,” Reno said, patting Tifa’s hands.

“If you say so,” Leon settled.

“You could cuddle with us,” the woman offered, her words partially slurred as her cheek pressed into Reno’s back.

“I plan on trying to go back to sleep after I finish eating. You’re both welcome to come with me but I’d prefer not to stay out here for it,” the brunette said.

“Tifa has to help me pack,” Zack interrupted, making his Carrier look to him with a pout. He raised a brow at her. “Seriously. Three quarters of this crap is yours. You can do whatever afterward, but I would appreciate some help.”

“Yeah, okay,” Tifa sighed. Rude looked to Reno questioningly.

“Do we have anything to pack?” he asked. The redhead shrugged.

“Not really, no. We didn’t bring anything we could take with us. My computer is the only thing I plan on taking home.”

“Ah, very true,” Rude agreed.

Leon was finished with his breakfast shortly thereafter. He cleaned his plate and took his leave, heading back to his bedroom. When he had woken up that morning, he had dragged his mattress back to where it was supposed to be in its frame. Back in his own space, he was able to breathe easier than he had for most of the previous night.

Sure, having Cloud be civil and sociable towards him was marginally more pleasant than the alternatives, but just being around his Charge made him uneasy. He had spent the time in between conversations on edge, waiting for a miraculous recovery that would make the blonde spring out of bed and strike him for being too close. Cloud hadn’t actually moved nor done anything even vaguely threatening, but there was still that underlying illogical fear. The brunette was acutely aware of how unreasonable he was being, but he couldn’t stop the anxiety from picking at him. He wondered if he would ever be able to be near his Charge without feeling like he was waiting for abuse that was more than likely right around the corner.

He sincerely doubted it.

\--------------------------------

After a nap and some calm recovery time, Leon was up again. He was getting impatient waiting for some sign that the portal home was opening. After checking and making sure Cloud wasn’t dead, he left the inn to go wander around the village again. He had spent a couple hours earlier in the day somewhat saying his goodbyes but hadn’t actually done much visiting outside of that. The villagers seemed very relaxed as he walked amongst them. It was kind of a surreal feeling. They were aware of how close their world was to ending, but it didn’t seem to factor into their mannerisms any. The peace and serenity they exuded was as strange as it was comforting. It reminded Leon of how Idania acted after Marcus passed.

“I want you to take this with you,” one of the farmers told the brunette when he stopped by for the second time that day. It handed Leon a tiny cloth satchel. “I encourage you to take the time to nurture a garden or something similar.”

“Why’s that?” the Carrier asked curiously, pulling open the bag. He upended the contents into his hand and raised a brow at the small lumpy brown things that tumbled out.

“Because I don’t believe you value yourself as much as you should. I think we’ve been over this before. Your kind are like plants: always working to create life but constantly underfoot. From my understanding, your world cannot be saved without you just as life cannot go on without plants. Would you say that’s a fair assessment?” the farmer questioned.

“I guess. I don’t really understand what starting a garden is supposed to do other than occupy time, though. Are these seeds?” Leon asked.

“Yes they are. Perhaps when you see your efforts come to fruition you’ll understand how valuable you are. Plants grow faster than people do so your impatience can be rewarded quicker with those,” the farmer said cheekily, giving the Carrier a broad smile. The brunette scowled a bit.

“I’m not _that_ impatient.”

“Come, now. You know as well as I do how much of an enormous lie that is. Don’t fool yourself.”

“Hey…”

“Not that it’s a bad thing,” the Shumi said, waving an elongated dismissive hand. “So long as the results are good, who cares how fast things happen, yes?”

“…Right,” Leon hesitantly agreed, giving the Shumi a sideways glance. He couldn’t help but smile some. The farmer smiled back.

“Very good. I hope all your endeavors are fruitful.”

“Thank you,” the brunette said.

Tucking the seeds in his pocket, Leon took his leave again and wandered the village. When he had gone through earlier in the day, there hadn’t been very many official ‘goodbyes.’ Rather, he had shared some finite conversations and received well wishes in return. He figured that was good enough. He was avoiding that definitive moment of knowing he would never talk to the Shumi people ever again. If he never said the official goodbye, then that moment wouldn’t come. Or so he liked to think.

After a short while of meandering, Leon noticed that the lift up to the surface wasn’t parked where it was supposed to be. The only reason he had noticed, however, was because he saw it coming back down again. He couldn’t recall if it had been there previously or not, but he had mixed feelings about it returning. There were people on it. One was the village Elder and its aide, and three humans in white lab coats. Xemnas and the Elder were sharing light conversation and were full of smiles. The other two Technicians were ones Leon had never seen before; a man and a woman.

“Well, you most certainly look like you’ve seen better days,” Xemnas remarked as he approached Leon. The brunette furrowed his brows together as he tried to trudge through the man’s accent and remember how his native language was supposed to sound. The only other person he had spoken with in the dialect was Reno and they both sounded equally as strange compared to how it was normally done. After a minute of confused deciphering he eventually shook his head with a scowl.

“I’m surprised you remember what I looked like,” he muttered crankily.

“I don’t. I just assumed the scar and the exhaustion were new additions seeing as your file says you were fine when you left. Take us to the others and your Charge…” the Technician said, taking a second to flip through his tablet. After a moment, he looked back at Leon. “9x8b. I don’t remember that either, by the way. Your hair color is in your file too.”

“Ah. I see,” Leon said blandly. He was quickly being reminded of how much he didn’t like his home world. When he was studying, he hadn’t paid much attention. But now that he had somewhere else to compare it to, he decided he didn’t really want to go back as much as he initially did. The only reason he would’ve wanted to was because of the family he needed to make for himself, but even then, he was skeptical of how that would turn out. He was sure Cloud wouldn’t approve of having children together.

Once at the Inn, the two nameless Technicians broke off from the group and went to find Tifa and Reno. Unhappily, Leon led Xemnas towards Cloud’s bedroom. He hesitated outside the door, unsure if his Charge was even awake or fit for discussion. He sighed, turning to Xemnas and giving the man a withering look. A part of him didn’t want to know what the man had to say about his mostly broken Charge. He was dreading being told that Cloud wasn’t worth being saved, despite being unsure if the blonde even deserved to be.

“What’s the problem?” the Technician asked impatiently as Leon stalled outside the door.

“Is there a possibility that my Charge will be left behind if he has too many problems?” Leon asked.

“Clarify. What do you mean by ‘problems?’”

“Medical problems. Would it be more cost effective to leave him behind and have me find another Charge if this one’s in bad shape?”

“No. Hardly anything in our world costs more than sending Carriers out to find Charges. Probably the next closest thing cost-wise would be building ecosystem domes.”

“Oh,” Leon said, uncertain of how he should feel.

“Is your Charge really that debilitated?”

“He’s probably operating at about seventy percent on a good day.”

“Is he missing any limbs?”

“No.”

“Organs?”

“Not yet, but his heart may as well not exist.”

“Is he cognitively damaged?”

“That’s debatable. He mostly functional, but he’s an asshole.”

“Well so am I and I never had any problems,” Xemnas said simply with a tiny shrug.

“Fair enough,” Leon sighed.  He stepped close enough for Cloud’s door to see him and slide open for them. The blonde was still where the Carrier had left him; lying on his stomach in the bed asleep. His breathing was shallow and he had a film of sweat on his forehead as his body made every effort to keep him alive.

“Can he stand?” Xemnas asked abruptly, not bothering to keep his voice low. Leon visibly startled and turned to him quickly, fixing a searing glare on the man’s face. The Technician wasn’t fazed.

“No,” the brunette spat, setting his anger aside for the moment and going to his Charge’s side. Kneeling next to the bed, he nudged the blonde gently. “Cloud,” he said firmly.

“Hmn?” the Charge hummed lightly. Leon nudged him a few more times until he slowly peeled his eyes open again. He could see his Carrier with somewhat blurry vision, but the view was strange to him. Xemnas was standing behind Leon and the white backdrop of his lab coat threw Cloud off for a moment. Furrowing his brows together, he focused on the blinding color until his sleepy sight adjusted.

Leon watched Cloud with slight horror as the blonde’s eyes slowly trailed upward, following the line of buttons on Xemnas’ coat. His Charge’s eyes grew impossibly large and the color drained from his face when he took in the overall picture of the foreign man that was suddenly way too close to him. In his sleep deprived state, Cloud didn’t have time to take in the situation in its entirety. He didn’t even realize Leon was there anymore; all he saw was the man with white hair and a white coat.

His mind was suddenly awash with memories that had been squashed under the weight of heavy Mako abuse. Being strapped to a large padded chair surrounded by syringes. Soldiers that were much bigger than him blocking his only exit. And a man with white hair and a white coat telling him it would be okay and that what they were doing was routine. Cloud didn’t want to be sick anymore. He didn’t want to do Mako. He didn’t want to go back to basic training. He didn’t want to kill anyone anymore. The man in the white coat always made him do such horrible things and the blonde hated every second of it. He was the reason Cloud couldn’t go home and feel clean enough to hold Aerith again like he wanted to.

Petrified, the blonde couldn’t move. He held his breath, his eyes stayed wide and glazed over, he was deathly pale, and his hands gripped the blanket underneath him so tightly that Leon was afraid he would draw blood. The brunette didn’t know what to do; he had never seen his Charge so legitimately terrified before. He couldn’t even understand why Cloud was so scared. All he knew was that it was Xemnas’ fault because he was the only thing in the room that seemed to matter to his Charge in that moment. He quickly stood and started pushing the man towards the door.

“You need to leave,” the Carrier insisted. Xemnas didn’t resist very much and only fought to turn around enough to observe Cloud for a few more seconds.

“Clearly,” the Technician agreed when they were closer to the exit. He departed quietly after that, leaving the pair alone.

“Cloud?” Leon called, going back to his place next to the blonde’s bed. Cloud had stayed in place, staring up and ahead of himself despite Xemnas not being there anymore. His eyes were hollow and unfocused, his mind still playing and replaying every instance of being forcibly held down and fed syringe after syringe of Mako until he couldn’t see straight anymore. Immensely worried, Leon took his Charge’s face in his hands and tried to make the blonde pay attention to him. After a short moment of hazy silence, the blonde eventually blinked a few times and he sucked in a deep shaking breath. His eyes fixed themselves on Leon. They started to water as his breathing turned somewhat panicked.

“I don’t want to go back. Why am I going back?” he asked quickly, his voice small and hoarse.

“Going back?” Leon asked confusedly, catching the blonde’s frightened tears with his thumbs as they dripped down his cheeks.

“I don’t want to go back to basic. They make me do stuff there that… I never even… I didn’t know I could do. I don’t want to do that stuff anymore. That’s not the kind of stuff Nana taught me to do…” Cloud trailed. His words were mumbled and monotone and his eyes hadn’t quiet regained their sense of alertness yet. Leon scrunched his brows together worriedly as his Charge kept murmuring to him. “I don’t want to go back. Don’t make me go back,” he pleaded over and over again.

“You’re not going back,” Leon said, slowly pulling the blonde closer to him. He hugged the other’s face to his chest, feeling his heart break into tiny pieces. At the same time, a strange sense of relief washed over him as Cloud went quiet and brought a hand around to grab onto his shirt, clinging to him. The blonde reminded Leon very much of how he used to be before his time in the military. His tone, his words, and his blatant desire to not do any of the horrendous things he had been forced to do reaffirmed to the Carrier that the very sweet and innocent Charge he had cared so much about for so many years was still there and still reachable.

“I’m not?” Cloud muttered confusedly against his Carrier’s shoulder.

“No, you’re not,” Leon repeated. He buried his nose in the blonde’s hair and kissed his scalp, hugging him tightly. “You’re not going back. You’re safe here.”

“Am I?”

“Yes.”

“Promise?”

“Yes. I promise,” the brunette said, letting the blonde go. He sat back and pulled up the hem of his shirt so he could use the fabric to dry the blonde’s face. Cloud was calmer, but still didn’t seem like he was fully awake yet. He didn’t resist when Leon touched him, which was strange, and he only stared ahead of himself without really seeing anything.

“I’m really tired,” the blonde mumbled, eyelids drooping. Once Cloud’s cheeks were dry, Leon smoothed a hand through his hair and studied his unresponsive face carefully.

“Go back to sleep,” the brunette said, reaching for the blonde’s pillow. He pulled it over and tucked it under his Charge’s chin. Cloud nodded shallowly and settled against it, letting his eyes close. Leon stayed there for several minutes, watching as the blonde quickly dropped off again as if nothing had happened. Once he was convinced everything was okay again, he slowly stood and meandered his way out into the hallway. Xemnas was there, leaning back against the wall across from the doorway.

“He isn’t going to attack me, is he?” the Technician asked blandly.

Leon shook his head. “No, he’s too tired for that.”

“Good, because I’ve been punched in the nose by people from here before and I’d really rather not partake in a repeat performance.”

“You have?”

“Yes, they tell me my hair scares them but my eyes are different so it’s not quite the same,” the man said with a shrug. “Oh well. Can’t win them all, I suppose.”

“You’re very understanding,” the brunette said honestly.

“No, actually, I don’t understand much of it but I don’t doubt its legitimacy. I’ve had too many separate instances with the same result for me to doubt anymore.”

“I guess. But Cloud didn’t see your hair right away. He was afraid before he noticed it,” Leon said thoughtfully, trying to piece together his Charge’s broken logic. He tried as hard as he could to remember who looked like Xemnas when Cloud was in basic training. It didn’t take him very long to figure it out, and he sighed in spite of himself. He felt he should’ve predicted his Charge’s reaction and felt completely stupid for not getting it out beforehand. Cloud reacted the same way when Dr. Kadowaki had come after him with a syringe at the Garden only with more lucidity because he had been properly awake at the time.

“Something wrong?” Xemnas questioned, seeing the Carrier in front of him growing more melancholy.

“Give me your coat,” Leon said, holding his hand out. The Technician raised a brow.

“Why?”

“Because I think that’s what set him off. He had spent about a year being more or less tortured by people in white lab coats. If you want to be around him, you either need to make sure he’s alert beforehand or take off the coat. It’d probably be best if both happened, though.”

“Fair enough,” Xemnas agreed. He shrugged off the coat and draped it over his arm. “I’ll hang onto it, though.”

“Fine,” Leon said, dropping his hand with a heavy sigh. “I feel like an idiot for not thinking it would be a problem.”

“You should probably learn to be more observant, then.”

“You’re not supposed to tell me you agree.”

“I’m not going to lie to you. Why should I? You’re responsible for taking care of him, and yet you don’t understand what his mental triggers are? I would think you’d be more attuned to your Charge’s distresses.”

“You’d think that, but this is literally the first time I’ve seen him like this. He had an instance before where he freaked out but he made it sound like he was repulsed by the idea of someone taking his blood to run tests, which given how little he knows, was believable. But this is new. He doesn’t tell me anything when it comes to things like this.”

“Sounds like your project is off to a rollicking good start,” Xemnas said sarcastically. He brought up his tablet and started poking at it.

“What’re you doing?”

“Taking a note that you know nothing about him. Special measures will be taken to make sure you’re both closely monitored for progress.”

“What? Why?” Leon asked, scowling.

“Because if your communication is lacking, how can you be efficient? Have you forgotten the work you need to do? In case you have, I’ll give you some free advice and say that it takes a lot of cooperation in order to get anywhere. If you two can’t even voice real and substantial problems to one another, how can we expect you to get anything done?”

“But—“

“You don’t get to argue with me. Not about this,” Xemnas deflected quickly, finishing up his notation. He tucked his tablet away again and turned on his heel. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes. Make sure your Charge is alert and ready to talk,” he said flatly, taking his leave and heading for the staircase.

Leon stood in the middle of the hallway watching Xemnas leave with his mouth hanging open in shock. He had never thought that the lack of communication between he and his Charge was a good thing, but he also had never thought that it would hold them back. Since Cloud had to be educated before they could begin, Leon had planned on going forward with his project alone for a long while before the blonde could be involved. He had hoped things would’ve improved between them by the time Cloud was ready, but now he wasn’t sure the Technicians would even have the patience to let them get that far. With a dejected sigh, he turned back to Cloud’s room and went inside to see if his Charge would humor him and stay awake long enough to make some introductions.

\-----------------------------

Xemnas was sitting at the foot of Cloud’s bed with his legs crossed over one another and his tablet propped up on his knee. As per Leon’s request, his lab coat had been left upstairs in the common area and he was being careful to not come off as anyone threatening. His tone was soft as he spoke, keeping an observant eye on the blonde that sat in front of him, propped up by several pillows. Cloud’s eyes were sleepy, but Xemnas could tell he was all there mentally this time. The Charge didn’t seem to remember the recent past, and the Technician wasn’t going to bring it up.

“Do you fully understand your intended purpose and why you’re coming with us?” Xemnas asked. Cloud had been blankly staring ahead of himself for the last few minutes as he fought to stay awake. His attention flicked to the other man for a second before he shrugged.

“Something about saving kittens or whatever,” the blonde said, his attention drifting back to nothing in particular. Xemnas cast a stern and obviously disappointed look to Leon, mentally chastising the Carrier’s irresponsibility and inability to explain anything to his Charge. The brunette shrugged in the same way Cloud had.

“Technically, he isn’t incorrect,” he said simply. Xemnas scowled and let out an impatient sigh as he took a few notes on his tablet.

“Are you aware of the risks?” the man asked, refocusing his attention on Cloud. Again, the Charge shrugged.

“I was probably told them but I don’t remember. It doesn’t matter anyway; if I stay here I’ll die sooner rather than later. Or so I’m told.”

“Is that why you’re following your Carrier? To survive?”

“Partly, I guess. I was told I can have a better life on the other side.”

“That’s correct so long as you do what is required of you.”

“Right.”

“Alright,” Xemnas said, making a few more notes. He disliked having to do preliminary interviews. For as much as he detested seeing Carriers and Charges being intimate or knowing they had some sort of loving relationship, he couldn’t deny that it made his job infinitely easier. Since Leon and Cloud seemed to be fairly dysfunctional and the blonde was uneducated, he needed to make sure there was enough information given for the blonde to make a proper decision. Normally, if everything seemed fine and the Charge was reasonable and capable of semi-educated thought, he didn’t have to bother. But, this was not the case today. He wondered how many problems Cloud’s apparent instability would cause them in the future.

“Can I go back to bed now?” Cloud asked groggily.

“No, we’re leaving soon,” Xemnas said flatly, finishing his notes. He looked to Leon. “I don’t disagree that he’s in bad shape physically; I can see it just by looking at him. I’m going to head back to the other side and make sure some steps are taken to handle an emergency just in case there’s an issue when you two make it over. My subordinates will check you both to make sure you’re not bringing anything with you that you shouldn’t be. You have half an hour. If you’re not back on the home plane by then, and I have to come get you, I _will_ make sure your first weeks there are a living hell. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes,” Leon said with a tiny nod.

“Good. See you there,” Xemnas said, scooting off the bed. Leon and Cloud watched him leave quietly. When they were alone again, they let out a collective shaky breath.

“Am I completely stupid or could you barely understand him?” the blonde asked, his brows scrunched together.

“No, his accent is really thick. I was having trouble too,” Leon agreed. He shrugged. “In his defense I’m sure he knows way more languages than either of us ever will.”

“Ah. He’s sort of a prick, though.”

“Yeah, but a very intelligent prick,” the brunette agreed. He stepped to the bed and took a seat on the edge next to Cloud. The blonde glared at him a little for getting too close. Leon ignored it. “Did you sleep okay when you were able to?” he asked, probing to see how much his Charge could remember.

“Not really.”

“Did you wake up at all?”

“I don’t think so. I remember having a few weird nightmares but I don’t really remember what they were about.”

“Ah. I see,” Leon said with a tiny frown.

“Why?”

“I was just wondering. If you’re going to get better you need to be able to sleep well,” the Carrier lied. Cloud didn’t have the energy to argue with him, though he wasn’t convinced that was the whole story. He let it slide and let his head drop back against the pillows tiredly. A brief silence passed between them.

“So when are we going?” the blonde asked. Leon shrugged. He stuffed his hand in his pocket and pulled out the tiny satchel the farmer had given him not long before. The Carrier did want to try and see if there was anything to what the Shumi said; that a garden would help him understand his value. Plus, he was curious to know what the seeds would grow. However, the problem he was facing was that he doubted the Technicians would let him bring them home.

“I’ll be right back,” the brunette said quickly, forcing Cloud’s attention to him again as he stood. The blonde frowned, his question ignored.

Leon stepped into the bathroom and set the satchel down. Taking up the pendant that hung around his neck, he flipped open the tiny door in the back. Setting his change code aside, he tried as gently as he could to cram as many seeds as possible into the compartment. He managed to get most of them in there, but then had nowhere to keep his change code. After a moment of thought he decided to push the post through his earlobe and be done with it. Cloud was coming with him whether the blonde wanted to or not; Leon figured he could wear his change code properly now.

“What did you do?” Cloud asked when the brunette reappeared from the bathroom.

“Don’t worry about it,” Leon deflected. Again, the blonde was annoyed but couldn’t bring himself to dispute anything.

“When are we leaving?” he repeated instead.

“I’ll go get my computer. We need to find the other people that came here with Xemnas so they can check us over. Then we’ll be leaving,” the Carrier explained.

“Are you carrying me?”

“Not unless you feel like you can make it to the elevator yourself.”

“Fuck no.”

“Then I guess I’m carrying you.”

“Great,” Cloud sighed.

“Did you expect something different?”

“I was sort of hoping you’d offer a wheelchair or something. Or that Tifa would carry me.”

“Nope. Sorry. You’re stuck with me.”

“Yay,” the blonde groaned. He rolled onto his side, his eyes slipping closed briefly before he forced them open again. Leon took that as an obvious cue to go retrieve his computer so they could get moving.

\-----------------------------------

“I don’t really want to go,” Reno said quietly, shuffling his feet on the lift’s carpeting. He was sharing a bench with Leon and was leaning against the brunette’s side with his temple on the other’s shoulder. Leon had rested his cheek on the top of Reno’s head in response.

There hadn’t been a formal ceremony to see them off. There weren’t any additional goodbyes, and there weren’t any tears from the Shumi people. The entire village had simply lined the path they would use to reach the elevator from the inn, and as they group passed them, each one bowed as a sign of respect. The air had been heavy and solemn, but the only crying had come from Tifa. But even then, the woman hadn’t broken down in heaving sobs. She was only misty-eyed and kept her composure for the most part. Everyone knew that the end was nigh for Plane 087; the Shumi especially. But the calm and the serenity that surrounded all of the villagers helped the leaving party cope with the loss. The people weren’t bothered by it, so neither should the visitors be.

“Neither do I,” Leon responded, though he couldn’t say that it was the entire truth. He would miss the village and the Shumi people. He would miss being able to walk outside to explore the scenery and the natural landscape surrounding the inn. He would miss being encouraged by polite strangers that held him on a high pedestal simply because of what he was there to accomplish. He doubted he would ever have any of those things back home, and it was saddening to realize it. However, he was happy to leave because that meant he would have the resources to help Cloud recover. He would be able to work on the family he had always wanted. And maybe, in the far far far future, he could find someone to be happy with permanently. He wanted all of that, and he knew he couldn’t get any of it if he stayed in Plane 087.

Xemnas’ subordinates had searched everyone’s belongings and clothing before they departed. But, they hadn’t bothered with Leon’s pendant and hadn’t realized there was even a tiny compartment in the back of it. The brunette was happy he could take a piece of Plane 087 home with him, even if it was small. He hoped the seeds would grow, but he had his doubts that they would.

The ride to the surface had been quiet. No one had anything to say even though there was a lot that could’ve been. Tifa, Zack, and Rude sat together on one bench while Leon and Reno shared another. The Technicians were across from them. Cloud was sprawled out on the floor catching whatever would pass for a nap. The blonde looked like the walking dead, and was fed up with fighting to stay awake. If he was going to die, he would welcome it. He felt like absolute garbage and couldn’t see the worth in living anymore.

Reno let out a loud sniffle as the lift came to a stop at the surface. Leon looked down at him then, noticing the tears the redhead was trying to wipe away quickly. His friend took a minute to dry his face before he looked to the brunette properly. He gave Leon a wavering smile as his chin quivered.

“Don’t want to say goodbye,” Reno muttered, using his shirt as a handkerchief.

“To here?” Leon asked.

“Some of that but mostly you.”

“This isn’t a ‘goodbye,’ Reno. It’s a ‘see you later’ at most. It’s not fun, but it’s also not like we’re dying here,” the brunette said.

“Yeah I know. I feel stupid, but I can’t help myself. Give me a second,” the redhead insisted, taking a deep breath in order to calm himself.

“Everyone set?” the female Technician asked, standing from her seat. Leon rubbed Reno’s back and stood, going to scoop Cloud and his backpack up off the floor. The blonde didn’t attempt to help him any, which made him frown.

The village Elder and its aide were waiting for them inside the portal room. The large Shumi smiled at them as they entered. The Catalogue Terminal was already primed and ready for use. Leon almost couldn’t believe he was actually going to go home with a Charge. He had spent so much of his time thinking about what a hopeless situation he had made for himself that the reality seemed so much like a fantasy. There was still an immense amount of doubt in his head about his future and whether or not it would be a pleasant one to have, but at the very least he could say he was successful at bringing a Charge over for himself; even if said Charge was halfway in the grave.

“Words cannot express the gratitude we have for the service you all have done for our world. From the center of our souls, we thank you. Truly. So long as our people have crossed over to your lands, our world will never die; which is a priceless gift,” the Elder said, bowing courteously. The aide followed suit.

“Thank you for helping us. I owe you all my life,” Zack said. Almost everyone else nodded in agreement.

Standing upright again, the Elder smiled once more. “It was the least we could do. Go now, with Eden’s blessing, and right the wrongs of so many years past. We have the utmost confidence in all of your abilities to succeed.”

The male Technician broke away from the group and went to the terminal and began typing away at the keys. The portal sprang to life, electricity crackling against the metal coils and the crystal itself like an active Tesla coil. Reno fidgeted in his spot, wondering who would go first. The female Technician stepped through before anyone could make a decision. She placed her hand against the rock and they all watched as she was slowly pulled into it piece by piece. Once she was gone Tifa and Zack followed with their bags.

“See you on the other side,” Leon said, looking to Reno and Rude in turn. The pair nodded at him quietly, both looking nervous. He couldn’t blame them; his own heart was racing.

Cloud had barely been awake the entire time and wasn’t processing what was happening very well. Leon thought he was asleep, but he hadn’t been. His chest hurt, his head was swimming, and his vision was blurry. He didn’t say anything as Leon took him to the portal. The electricity was scary sounding, and the flashing lights made him even more disoriented, but he still didn’t do anything. He vaguely wondered if traveling between the doorways would kill him and finally stop the endless cycle of illness he seemed to be stuck in. His Carrier shifted him around in his arms so he could put a hand against the crystal, not checking to see if his Charge was alert enough to witness it.

It didn’t matter, though. Cloud was already unconscious.


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70

Everything felt fuzzy. Leon couldn’t move, it hurt to breathe too deeply, and he couldn’t feel his extremities very well. He wasn’t worried about all of that, though. Such sensations were normal after passing through the dimensional rift. If anything, it was calming to know that he had made it through okay and was having the appropriate reaction. His sense of hearing took a moment to start to come back to him, but when it did, he was greeted with a warbling mass of voices and hurried demands. It was all so muddled; he couldn’t understand anyone or recognize them. Mustering every ounce of consciousness and strength he had, he slowly peeled his eyes open. That’s when he heard it.

He couldn’t see very well, but he could hear a distinct high pitched whine followed by electrical clicking. Shortly thereafter, there was a muddled shout followed by a harsh thud. Blinking against the hazy film that was clogging his eyes, he could make out a blonde blob that was a short distance away. Judging by how many pairs of shoes he could hear and see rushing around him he was assuming he was on the floor next to Cloud. After the initial thud, everything quieted briefly before the whine and clicking started again. It took Leon a moment to understand what was happening, but when he did, he felt sick to his stomach.

The Carrier’s eyesight began to clear up shortly thereafter and all he could see were Cloud’s eyes staring at him, half lidded and empty. Just then, Leon heard another muffled shout followed by another loud thud. Cloud’s entire body jolted right after, but nothing changed. He was still unresponsive and his eyes retained their listless stare. Leon felt cold. He couldn’t breathe. The high pitched whine and clicking started again. The Carrier couldn’t look away from his Charge’s face. Again, there was a shout followed by a thud and Cloud’s body shook as all of his muscles tensed. There was silence after.

 _No_ …Leon thought to himself, his eyes growing hot. He felt dizzy. _You can’t die. Not now. I just figured out that you’re still in there._

The Carrier couldn’t decide how he felt about the defibrillator sounds ceasing. He didn’t know if that meant that Cloud had been dead for too long and it was time to give in or if he came back and they didn’t need it anymore. He didn’t know how long they had been lying on the floor for or how long his Charge had been gone already. The only thing he could focus on was Cloud’s face; he couldn’t bring himself to look at anything else. Nothing was more important.

But then it was gone. Someone had taken hold of Cloud’s shoulders and lifted him. Leon’s eyes were forced to refocus through the haze, but it wasn’t quite as difficult as before. He could see wheels right behind where Cloud used to be and many pairs of feet around them. But none of it stayed very long as his Charge was quickly wheeled away on what Leon assumed was a stretcher. He wanted to follow, to know what was happening, but he could only force a shoulder to respond. He managed to shift a bit but his extremities were too heavy to move.  He couldn’t even turn his head.

“Hang on, honey. You’re not ready to move yet,” came a soft and only somewhat muddled voice. A pair of knees appeared in his line of view as a woman knelt next to him. “You shouldn’t even be awake. I’m going to give you something to help you relax so your body can adjust. Don’t worry now,” she said. Leon could only move his eyes enough to see halfway up her torso. She leaned over him and he felt a sharp pinch on the side of his neck.

 _No, you don’t understand. My Charge is dead. I need to see him,_ Leon thought, willing his throat to follow through and let him speak. It felt like his mouth was full of sand. _Take me to him! I need to know if he woke up!_

“There you are,” the woman cooed at him. She pushed herself up to stand. “We’ll get you settled in a bit. Have a good sleep.”

 _No…please…_ Leon thought, grief washing through him as his view was replaced by nothing but a blurry white wall in the near distance. He could feel the tears drip free and trail sideways down his face. As the minutes passed, his mind and sight became more and more hazy and dark. It wasn’t long before he slipped under, remembering Cloud’s dead eyes as they seared themselves into his mind.

\-----------------

Leon awoke with a start some time later. His eyes popped open and he was suddenly blinded by sterile white light. Immediately closing them, he let out a grunt and brought his hands up to rub at his assaulted corneas. He then realized he could move his arms, which then made him remember what had happened. A sudden burst of panicked adrenaline rushed through him, making him flail a bit as he struggled to sit upright. He found that he was covered with a blanket, which made his legs tangle together.

“Whoa whoa whoa,” came a familiar voice from beside him. Leon startled again and looked behind him. Reno was halfway through the process of sitting upright. They were in the same bed together for some reason. Also, they were naked, which was just as confusing. Leon stared at his friend with wide eyes.

“Did we have sex?” was the first thing he could think to say. Reno furrowed his brows together and gave him a disgruntled look.

“What? No! You almost smash my testicles into jam and _that’s_ what you’re concerned about? Jeeze. I feel sort of cheap,” Reno huffed.

“Sorry. No. Where’s Cloud?” Leon spat hurriedly. The redhead raised his brows at him. The brunette was shaking he was so anxious, and he held the blanket up to cover himself with a white-knuckled grip.

“First of all, you need to calm down. You’re going to kill yourself if you breathe any heavier.”

“Don’t you fucking tell me to calm down! Where is he?!” Leon snarled, his patience drying up like a droplet of water in the Sahara.

Reno held up his good hand defensively. “Stop! Scary!” the redhead said nervously, leaning away from his friend. “He’s in surgery!”

“Surgery,” the brunette parroted. The answer did nothing for his nerves, but he felt like he could breathe somewhat. He took a deep shaking breath, trying to pull his composure back. “He was dead. I saw him. They brought him back?” he asked.

“Yes. Surgery is for living people, if you remember. Autopsies are surgeries for dead people,” Reno said grumpily. “Good morning, by the way,” he added.

“Hi,” Leon said, taking another deep breath. He held his face with quaking hands. After a moment of quiet, he ran his palms down his cheeks. Despite having slept for a while, he was suddenly exhausted; his adrenaline spent.

“Are you okay now? Are you done looking like you’re going to kill me?” Reno asked. The brunette nodded shallowly and let himself drop back against the mattress. His mind was still awash with image after image of Cloud’s face, and he still felt jittery, but at least his panic was dwindling slowly.

“That was probably the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me,” Leon said. Reno hummed in agreement as he scooted closer to his friend again so he could lay with him and use his chest as a pillow. “Did they tell you anything more?” the brunette asked, twiddling the redhead’s long tail of hair between his fingers. The idle movement helped his hands stop shaking.

“He was only gone for about twenty seconds or so before they started bringing him back. He was alive when you guys made it through the portal, just not for very long afterward, I guess. Other than that and knowing he’s in surgery, I don’t know anything else. They only told me so I could tell you.”

“Okay. That makes me feel a little better,” Leon sighed, finally looking around at his surroundings. They were in what seemed to be a large and spotlessly clean hospital room with several double beds flanking either wall. All of the other beds were empty except for theirs, and there was minimal medical equipment. “Where are we?” he asked, wondering if they had moved buildings at all.

“Still at the Compound.”

“Where are the others?”

“Tifa is awake and around here somewhere. Zack was getting a physical so she’s probably with him. Rude got his physical and they didn’t find anything too detrimental. Once I told them he never touched any weird drugs or substances in his life they dumped him in stasis almost immediately. Cloud is getting his ticker replaced, you’re there, and I’m here,” Reno explained cheekily.

“Yes thank you, I gathered as much.”

“No problem. Just wanted to let you know so you didn’t forget I was here.”

“How could I?”

“Good point. I’m pretty unforgettable,” the redhead said.

“One more question. It’s sort of important.”

“Hm?”

“Why are we naked?”

“Because we got physicals too and Technicians apparently don’t feel like redressing their dolls when they’re done playing with them. Tifa couldn’t find any real clothes and had to steal a blanket to wrap herself up in before she left to find Zack.”

“How much of a physical are we talking?”

“The whole shebang. Fingers in the butt and everything,” Reno said, though Leon could hear the smile spreading across his face as he spoke.

“While I was asleep?”

“Be happy you were. They probably want to do a few more things with you since you couldn’t stand for some of it, but the dirty part is over. I would’ve been _much_ happier with fingers in my butt if my Technician had taken me to dinner first or something.”

“I wasn’t aware prostate exams were grounds for dating someone.”

“No, but when you get a cute one that you _know_ isn’t queer, you have to make it seem like it is because it’s really fun to make them nervous. Plus, making a joke of it makes it easier to deal with a foreign person shoving his fingers up your ass like he’s getting a handshake.”

“That poor guy. He didn’t even realize he drew the short straw for the day before he got to deal with you.”

“I like to think I made the day more colorful for him. It’s an enhancement.”

“If you say so.”

“I know so,” Reno said with a tiny laugh.

“I’m not sure how I feel about getting the same treatment while I wasn’t aware of it happening.”

“Just pretend it didn’t happen. No one was getting their jollies out of it, I promise. Your Technician was an old lady who was not happy with her situation. _She_ apparently drew the short straw for the day. Not my guy.”

“Great,” Leon said with a tiny sigh. A brief silence passed between them before the brunette started to grow impatient. He wanted to find Cloud and see what was happening to him. “How long do we have to stay here?” he asked.

“In this room? Or the Compound?” Reno questioned.

“Both.”

“Well Zack and Tifa will probably leave tomorrow. I’m scheduled for surgery for tomorrow, but Rude will be cooking in stasis for a week. We’ll probably leave afterward. You? I have no idea. Cloud probably can’t be moved for a while.”

“You’re having surgery?”

“On my shoulder, yeah.”

“Oh,” Leon said, his tone drooping.

“It’s okay,” Reno said, turning his face until he could press a kiss to the skin he was laying against. “Still don’t blame you for it. So neither should you.”

“Yeah, but—“

“Leon. Shut up,” the redhead said tersely, giving the brunette a tiny glare out of the corner of his eye. Leon huffed a sigh.

“Okay,” he agreed. “So you get to stick around for at least a week?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen once we crossed over. Usually people are shipped back to their facilities right after and do everything there but I guess Plane 087 is different. It’s understandable, though. We didn’t get to check in every week like some other planes get to do. Need to make sure everyone is okay before they leave again.”

“I suppose. Don’t really want to hang around here for long, though.”

“Well, blame Cloud for being broken, then.”

“I want to but I don’t feel like I can.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Reno said.

“Do we have to stay in this room the entire time, though? Tifa left right? I can go find Cloud maybe?”

“She didn’t get yelled at when she left so I assume you can. But, you’re going to leave me all by my lonesome?”

“I need to find out what’s happening with Cloud.”

“Yeah yeah I get it,” the redhead said with a dismissive wave of his hand. He pushed himself up again until he was sitting. “I’m being replaced,” he concluded.

Leon let out a dry laugh. “With Cloud? Hardly. The only thing he’s taking up is my attention span. You still have your place elsewhere.”

“That makes me happy.”

“Good,” Leon said, sitting upright again. He scooted out of the bed and stood. His legs felt weak and he quickly sat again, afraid he would fall over. Taking a moment to let his body adjust, he tried again and felt more stable. Yanking the blanket off the next closest bed, he draped it over himself like a hooded cowl and held it closed. “I’ll be back,” he said, shuffling off towards the door.

“I’ll be here,” Reno agreed, sprawling out over the entirety of the bed, intentionally hogging all the space.

The hallway was empty and silent. Standing in the middle of it with nothing but a blanket covering him made Leon feel somewhat exposed. But after a moment of thought he realized that everyone was naked under their clothes and that he was probably strange for thinking anyone cared. He could recall back before he left to find Cloud that he was told to get used to the nudity because it was commonplace. However, that was before he had a torso that looked like it had been dragged over a bed of nails.  Taking a deep breath, he tried to force himself to stop dwelling on things that didn’t matter. He didn’t have much success, but at least he figured he could distract himself with his search.

For as many Technicians as there were, the Compound felt very empty. In every room he looked, Leon couldn’t find anyone to ask for directions. He also couldn’t find a map anywhere. The building was proving to be just as confusing as his facility was initially and he couldn’t decide if he should be angry or not. Nothing gave him any indication that he was going anywhere but to more clinic rooms.  He wasn’t in the right place, since he assumed surgery would be in another part, and after ten minutes of useless wandering he finally happened upon a room that was dim, but lit.

Edging his way inside, Leon quietly tiptoed around the clinic room to the back where there was a fabric screen covering the last quarter of the space. As he grew close he could smell blood and he was preparing for himself to find a dead body on the ground as he peeked around the corner. Much to his relief, there wasn’t someone bleeding out on the floor, but there was a body. Two bodies, even. Xemnas was sitting in a chair next to a metal exam table that held what Leon guessed was a deceased Carrier; judging by the lack of hair color paired with a youthful frame. He couldn’t tell what kind of Carrier because the scent of blood permeated everything else. Most of the body was covered in a white sheet leaving only the face exposed, which he couldn’t see very well from where he was standing. He couldn’t bring himself to pay much attention to the corpse, though. Xemnas was much more interesting.

The man was visibly upset, though he wasn’t very expressive about it. His posture was tense and his brows were furrowed. He sat leaned forward with his elbows balanced on his knees and his folded hands up and covering the lower half of his face as he stared intently at the one on the table. To Leon, the man seemed shocked. Xemnas didn’t make a sound, but he was lightly grinding his teeth together as he thought. Leon’s interest was piqued.

“Are you alright?” he asked quietly, feeling like he had smashed a couple of pots together and shattered the eerie silence. Xemnas’ attention snapped to him with wide eyes. He immediately stood and pulled the blanket up and covered the Carrier completely.

“What’re you doing out of your room?” he asked angrily, fixing searing amber eyes on the brunette. Leon came around the corner properly and shrugged.

“I was hoping to find my Charge but you’re the only one I’ve seen. I’m completely lost at this point so I couldn’t go back to my room without help even if I tried,” Leon said. He cleared his throat. “Is that a Carrier?” he asked, pointing to the bed.

“Yes. Go find your room,” Xemnas said quickly.

“Did you know him?”

“Yes. Leave.”

“He seems sort of significant to you. Are you alright?” Leon repeated. Though Xemnas’ tone was sharp, he didn’t seem quite as imposing as he did when he first arrived on Plane 087. The man looked tired, somewhat defeated, and not nearly as confident as he did before.

“Are you really going to make me subdue you? Do I have to call some people in here to drag you back to where you’re supposed to be?” Xemnas asked, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Okay, if you don’t want to talk then take me to my Charge. I’m not going to go back to my room. I’m lost, like I’ve already said, and I also came out here for a purpose,” Leon said. The Technician glared at him for another moment before he heaved an exasperated sigh and stepped away from the table. Crossing behind the fabric panel, he went to a small communications terminal that was inset into the wall. With a couple button presses the screen lit up, though the man’s body was blocking the view.

“Send someone over to room C382 for me. I’ve got a Carrier that escaped and is wandering around like a confused infant. He needs an escort,” Xemnas said, which made Leon scowl.

“Right away sir,” said the voice on the other end of the transmission. Afterward, the man came back to the table and stood between it and Leon again.

“Happy?” he asked crankily. The brunette shrugged.

“Not really, but I’ll take it.”

“Good. I’m glad. Wait outside.”

“Will you be okay? You’re obviously upset.”

“I’m upset because you won’t listen to instructions.”

“But you were upset before I didn’t listen to instructions.”

“Thank you for the concern but I’m fine.”

“I’m not convinced. But that’s okay. I’ll let my escort know you need someone you trust to talk to,” Leon said simply. Xemnas gave him a disgruntled look.

“Don’t do that. There’s nothing to talk about,” the man said angrily. He ran a hand over his face with a bit of a grumble. “Why do you care?” he asked.

“I’m curious more than I care. But I also know what it’s like to feel like you can’t talk to anyone about important stuff,” Leon said. He was mostly lying. He didn’t actually feel any sympathy for Xemnas but he was extremely curious to know who was on the table and why he mattered. The brunette was under the impression that Technicians didn’t give a damn about Carriers, so to see some semblance of compassion towards them was immensely fascinating. Xemnas seemed to believe his empathy, too. That, or he just wanted to give Leon what he wanted so he would leave.

“There’s a new experimental treatment that we’ve been studying that would theoretically preserve memories and knowledge and allow it to be transferred to another blank psyche even after death. This Carrier is important. He didn’t die by natural causes, and as a consequence, his work is incomplete. I’m going to clone him,” Xemnas explained.

“Really? Was he an original? Do you not have replacement Carriers for him?”

“He is an original, but not like you’re thinking. He is one of the few remaining Carriers from the beginning. I also knew him personally so I will be able to tell if this experiment works. For all I know it could make him mentally unstable and he could turn feral and murder a bunch of my colleagues once he wakes up,” the man continued with a nonchalant shrug.

“That hardly seems worth the risk.”

“It probably isn’t in the short term, but for the future of such a procedure I feel it is necessary. His age makes him extremely valuable and if we let him pass without taking his knowledge from him to use for the betterment of everyone else, then that would be a disservice to humanity. Half of what makes these projects successful came from his brilliance.”

“That… is very hard to imagine.”

“I know. If I hadn’t lived it I would be just as skeptical. But I did. So I have to try to rectify this.”

“I suppose,” Leon said thoughtfully. He took a moment to contemplate the possibilities of a memory retrieval process and wondered if it would even be viable. If it was, and it became readily available, Leon considered if it would humane to let the Technicians experiment on Cloud to see what came of it. He then decided that it was very cruel to force his Charge to remember such a horrid past and put the thought aside. “I personally knew one of the first Carriers that existed; the mother of the _Bovidae_ genus. Her model number was A1. Is this Carrier in the single digits as well?” he asked curiously.

“Yes. Though his number will drop the ‘A’ since this model will technically different than what he once had. We haven’t been in the alpha stages of Carrier production in many many _many_ years.”

“Oh. Can I ask what it is? I’m just wondering,” the brunette said. Xemnas took a long moment to consider the question and calculate if it would cause any problems in the future if Leon knew. The Carrier fidgeted a bit as he stood under the man’s scrutinizing eyes. In the end, Xemnas couldn’t come up with a reason to not tell him. There wasn’t an information trail attached to the Carrier anymore like there once was.

“Seven,” he said finally.

“Interesting. Okay,” Leon said.

“Are you satisfied? Will you leave now?” Xemnas asked impatiently.

“I was sort of wondering how he died, too. I smell blood still,” the brunette said. There was a long pause as Xemnas hesitated and considered the question. When he spoke again, his tone was softer though still irritated.

“His Charge was negligent and left him alone too long. Their home was broken into and the ones responsible had firearms. You can probably assume what happened after,” Xemnas said.

“Why would it matter if his Charge wasn’t there? It seems to me that the result would’ve probably been the same if there were bullets involved.”

“Apparently they had their own firearms. Maybe if the Charge had been home instead of doing other things, they would’ve had a chance to fight back. Who knows? It doesn’t matter anyway. The end result won’t change by hypothesizing. The Carrier managed to kill one of them, though. But he probably would’ve been arrested and euthanized afterward for doing so, even if it was in self defense. Nothing would change.”

“If he had been, would you still clone him?”

“Of course. How he died doesn’t change the fact that he died.”

“I see,” Leon said, taking all the facts in. “Is this exclusive to this one Carrier or would any worthwhile Carrier get the same treatment?”

“I’m not sure I follow what you mean.”

“Well from my perspective, this world is pretty hostile towards me. But if I was to do something amazing for the betterment of everyone else, like what that Carrier did, would I be cloned if I die suddenly too? That seems like a pretty okay insurance policy. Could be better, but at least it’s something.”

Xemnas shrugged. “I honestly can’t answer that. We’re going to use him as an experiment because the result would be beneficial if it’s successful. If you suddenly die a hundred years from now this experiment might not need to be done anymore. Also, whatever significance you held might be common knowledge by that point and we wouldn’t have lost anything nor had reason to preserve what you knew.”

“Valid point,” Leon said.

“I wouldn’t count on cloning as an insurance policy. Just make sure your Charge does as he’s supposed to, you do as you’re supposed to, and you keep each other safe. If all that happens, you shouldn’t need to be cloned because you shouldn’t die needlessly.”

“Theoretically,’ Leon muttered.

“Yes. Theoretically,” Xemnas said curtly. “Are you done now?”

“Yeah, I guess,” the brunette said.

“Good, because your escort is here,” the man said, pointing at the exit. Leon glanced over his shoulder at the woman who showed up and nodded. He left quietly, following her out and leaving Xemnas to himself and his grief.

\-----------------------

All Leon could see through the tiny window in the door was a tuft of blonde hair poking out from under a white sheet, a jungle of tubes and wires, and a crowd of nurses and doctors. Cloud had been in surgery for several hours by that point, and he was far from finished. Leon had his suspicions that he wouldn’t be able to see the blonde right away, but the view he was given was anticlimactic all the same. Now that he had solid proof that his Charge was alive and working towards healing, Leon could breathe easier. The relief set in slowly, leaving him feeling hazy.

“Other than his heart, is there anything else I should be aware of?” the Carrier asked. He stepped to a nearby bench and took a seat with a long sigh. The woman that had led him to Cloud had his Charge’s reports and she poked at her tablet to look them over.

“Well, there’re a number of things,” she started.

“Of course there are,” Leon grumbled.

“He has a fair amount of metal toxicity in him that needs to be addressed. One of his kidneys has taken quite a beating because of it so that will have to be replaced after his heart. The metals aren’t too horrible, all things considered, but he’ll be living off a diet of prescriptions for at least a few months. Maybe longer, but we’ll see how he does. Has he complained of any digestive issues?”

“The only thing he ever complained about was me,” the brunette said, his relief dissipating as it felt like more weight was being piled on his shoulders. Reality was hitting him over and over again, reminding him how inadequate their relationship was and how little he really knew about his Charge. For all he knew Cloud could’ve been suffering for years with problems Leon didn’t even think to address. He had never considered Mako containing heavy metals and the havoc they would wreak on his Charge’s body. But it seemed so obvious now. The guilt over his apparent stupidity was suffocating.

“He has an excess of copper in his system, which is the most concerning. The other levels of things we could identify were elevated, but livable. There were also a few somethings in his blood that our machines didn’t recognize so there could be more than what we see here. But, we have a routine for people from his plane; a lot of them present with the same symptoms. Most of them can be cleared up through a few different hemofiltration processes, but depending on how much toxicity was stored in the fat cells and muscle tissue will vary the recovery time somewhat. Overall, though, we have a lot of success with it so I don’t feel you need to worry for the long term. We’ll do the hemofiltration after we replace his kidney.”

“Okay,” Leon said blandly, staring at the floor. The woman scrolled down her list.

“After that, we need to consider his dental situation,” she said.

Leon raised a brow and paid attention to her properly. “I didn’t think his teeth were all that bad. They’re discolored a little but he still eats normally as far as I know.”

“You haven’t noticed a loss in appetite or anything similar? Like he wouldn’t want to eat because it hurt to chew?”

“His diet has been so erratic for the last few years it’s hard to find any consistency. Once we were waiting for the portal to open, though, we didn’t eat together very often.”

“I see,” she said, scowling. Leon could feel the judgment radiating off of her and hitting him in the face. “He’s missing three teeth.”

“What? Where?” the Carrier asked, his eyes growing wide with surprise.

“In the back; two molars on the top and one on the bottom. He has erosion patterns in his enamel that are consistent with excessive vomiting. Is he recovering from an eating disorder? Or did you not notice that too?” she asked, her tone turning sharp. Her words felt like a knife in the chest. Leon shook his head.

“The abuse he went through made him very sick. He would vomit on a regular basis but it was never intentional. So no, there was no ‘eating disorder’ per se, but he may as well of had one. He never said anything about any pain or problems with his teeth so I assumed it was fine.”

“I sense a major disconnect here. The trust he has in you seems to be weak at best. I can’t imagine he wasn’t in pain: he has four cavities as well.”

“Well what was I supposed to do? Strap him down and stick my hand his in mouth and feel around?”

“No, what you were supposed to do is establish a trusting relationship with him so he would feel like he could depend on you if there was a problem.”

“There are extenuating circumstances involving us that I don’t feel—“

“The only extenuating circumstance I’m concerned about is this very obvious negligence on your part. This is absolutely inexcusable,” she reprimanded, glowering at the brunette. Leon couldn’t bring himself to argue with her; he agreed with what she said. After a brief and uncomfortable silence he sighed.

“So… what’s going to be done about it? Is he going to get crowns or something?” he asked.

“Oh no, those methods are completely archaic and don’t last long enough for people who live as long as Charges do. Unless of course they suffer a head injury and their Carriers don’t notice them bleeding out on the sidewalk because they didn’t say anything. Crowns might last long enough for that,” she said snidely. Leon kept his eyes low and his voice to himself in shame. “No, we’re going to have to replace those too. Entirely.”

Leon scrunched up his face in disdain. “I didn’t even know that was a process that could be done.”

“It is. It’s a long and painful recovery process as well. He’ll be on a liquid diet for a while as his jaw will be wired shut for the duration.”

“What… what do you do? Just yank them all out and hammer new ones in like furniture pegs?”

“Not in so few words, but yes. More or less.”

“That sounds _awful_.”

“It is awful. He isn’t going to be happy.”

“Ugh, that makes me queasy just thinking about it,” Leon shuddered. He pulled the blanket around himself a little tighter, using it as a shield to try to keep the horrifying visuals from crawling into his head. He wasn’t successful. “I don’t even want to know if there’s more that’s wrong with him after that.”

“Hopefully after we fix his teeth he’ll be able to avoid surgeries for the next while. Those were the immediate problems we were able to identify with little testing. We assume he has more lurking around, but at this point they’re hidden enough to where we would like to say he won’t need a hospital for them. But there’s nothing set in stone just yet.”

“How long is all of this going to take?”

“The actual procedures? Not terribly long. Maybe a couple months if he reacts well and we feel confident he can stay stable under anesthesia for consecutive periods. Recovery? I can’t say. You would have to discuss it with his cardiologist, nephrologist, and oral surgeon. I would bet on at least a couple years before he can be put into stasis. Or more depending on what else comes up, if anything.”

“Wow,” Leon sighed, running a hand over his face. “I had no idea. And I hate that I can say that with such honesty.”

“It’s comforting to know you feel that way. I’ll walk you back to your room now,” the woman said, turning on her heel to head back in the direction they came. Leon nodded and stood on wobbly legs, feeling lost. His Charge theoretically wasn’t dying anymore, but the situation still felt so very hopeless. He couldn’t figure out how he was going to convince Cloud to trust him or even like him enough to hold a serious conversation.

“What’s the average amount of issues Charges have from his plane?” the Carrier asked sheepishly.

“That’s a loaded question that’s difficult to answer because I don’t have the data to support it. But, I’ve seen a lot worse,” she said simply with a tiny shrug. “However, your relationship and ignorance makes your situation sound much more detrimental than a lot of others I’ve seen.”

“I see,” Leon sighed, watching the floor tiles pass them by.

\---------------------------------

“No good?” Reno asked when Leon finally came back to their room. His friend seemed much more upset than when he left and the redhead assumed the worst. The brunette sat next to him heavily, eyes misty.

“This is such a clusterfuck,” he said dryly as he scooted around and plopped back against the pillows face first.

“What’s happened?”

“Nothing catastrophic, I just found out that he needs more replacement parts before he can go anywhere. But the lady Technician said that I should’ve known about all these issues and how much pain he was in. I agree with her,” the feline Carrier mumbled against the pillow.

“Well once he’s better, put her in a bikini and in a room with Cloud. She’ll understand how difficult he is to deal with _real_ quick. I’m not exactly sure what she expects you to do when your Charge literally shoves you away,” Reno said, lying next to his friend. Leon turned his face to look at him properly.

“That was her point; had we done this properly he _shouldn’t_ shove me away.”

“Dude, need I remind you how the last twenty years worked for both of you? You did what you could with what you were given. Truthfully, the fact that you managed to get him to follow you semi-willingly is a miracle in of itself. Don’t beat yourself up about the process; it’s done and over with. You can’t change it despite how much it sucked.”

“I know.”

“And Cloud is an asshole even without the Mako. That’s not your fault either.”

“I’d be an asshole too if I felt like I was dying every day. The more I think about it, the more I realize how wrong I’ve done this. I kept thinking about his health in the context of how it would affect my project and whether or not it’d make more problems in the long run. I never even thought to consider how Cloud actually feels every day and whether or not he’s suffering.”

“I wouldn’t consider anything but the practicality behind it either. It’s not like he gives you reason to give a damn about how he feels every day.”

“But he’s my Charge. I’m supposed to care. It’s thinking about how long I haven’t cared that’s the scariest part. I used to care. I really did. And I know he’s done a lot of things to me that I shouldn’t forgive but at the same time I don’t blame him for a lot of it because he never wanted to change into what he is in the first place. But then I still held it against him despite knowing I shouldn’t.”

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”

“He…” Leon said, taking a moment to think about how to phrase his words. “Before we left the village, Cloud was asleep and I needed to wake him up so he could talk to the Technicians. When he was waking up he noticed Xemnas almost immediately and had like… an episode; a flashback or something. He was panicking, thinking Xemnas was there to take him back to basic training where the doctors would force Mako on him and make him do things his mother never taught him to do. His head went back to his _mom_ , Reno. He hasn’t talked about Nana in _years_. He cried, and I’m sure if he could’ve he would’ve pissed himself too. But for about forty-five seconds he was sixteen again and scared out of his mind and horrified with the things he did.

That’s my Cloud. That was the one I cared about. But somewhere along the line I forgot about him and gave up thinking he was still around. Hardly an hour beforehand I was pacing in the hallway thinking about whether or not he deserved to be saved,” Leon said, his eyes watering with the tremendous amount of guilt he had built up for himself. “My Cloud is still in there. How could I even think he didn’t deserve saving?” he asked, wiping at his cheeks.

“I don’t know, somewhere between the rape and murdering people I would think that’d make giving a damn about the culprit sort of difficult,” Reno said.

“But he isn’t the culprit. Not really.”

“Yes he is.”

“I never got any indication from him when he was growing up that he ever desired to do anyone any harm. It wasn’t until he was literally taken from his home and forced into the military that he did anything wrong. To anyone. Not just me. And somewhere along the line I forgot that and blamed him anyway.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t disagree with you, but I don’t feel you should blame yourself for forgetting. It’s an irrational idea to think, that after all he’s done, that you should just forgive and forget. It would be extremely strange if you did manage to do that. You forget we’re human, Leon, despite what our sub species may be,” Reno explained, reaching over to run his fingers through the brunette’s hair comfortingly. Leon sniffed back the rest of his tears and hugged his pillow to his face, letting out a shaking sigh.

“I want my Charge back, Reno,” he mumbled.

“I know. You can have him back, too. You just need to wait long enough for him to get better physically before you can fix the other stuff. Waiting sucks, but one resource we’re not short on is time. You have a lot of it.”

“I hope so.”


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 71

“You’re really not going to be able to see it?” Leon asked, watching the plastic surgeon lean over his Charge with what appeared to be a palette knife and bowl full of slimy goop. Cloud had survived his surgery and was on the slow road to recovery. He had spent the night by himself in a sterile room still under anesthesia and on a ventilator. It was now the middle of the next day and the ventilator was gone, but he was still asleep. His chest was uncovered and the heinous incision down the middle of his sternum made Leon’s skin crawl.

“Shouldn’t be able to, no. You might feel a bit of a texture difference in his skin but it’s not anything different than what yours is. However, if he ever tries to get a tan he’ll have a big spot that won’t change color with him,” the other man said.

“Would it turn red with him if he gets smacked in the chest?” the Carrier asked curiously.

“No. Not that either,” the surgeon responded, dipping the end of the palette knife in the bowl. He gently dabbed the flesh toned goop on the blonde’s incision as evenly as he could. Smoothing it outward, he soon had the mark covered, if a bit uneven.

“It’s not going to be raised, is it?”

“No, it’ll smooth out as the staples dissolve and the swelling goes down. I can even come back and implant his peach fuzz back on if you’re concerned about his aesthetics. Or, just zap whatever hair is left on his chest off of him so it’s even,” the man offered, giving the Carrier a bit of an impatient glare.

“Sorry. I’ll stop asking questions,” Leon said sheepishly, shuffling his feet against the floor. “I don’t care that much about his peach fuzz. I didn’t even know he had any; his stomach is hairier than his chest. I was more curious about how it works than anything.”

“I see,” the annoyed doctor said. He set the bowl aside and turned to the small table he brought with him. Inside was a shallow tray that was partly filled with what appeared to be water, but Leon doubted that’s what it actually was. The man took up two sets of blunt tweezers and dipped them in the liquid, bringing them up again to show a thin translucent film clasped between them. He held it up and let the excess moisture drip off for a moment before turning with it and gently laying it over the blonde’s goopy incision. He used the tips of the tweezers to move it around bit by bit until it lay flat.

“Is there anything I should do for him while it heals? What happens if he starts to reject the heart?” Leon asked, not able to squash his curiosity.

“We would’ve known by now if he was going to reject it. He wouldn’t be off the ventilator if he was. But if he had, we would’ve cut him open again and fixed it. Having a layer of synthetic skin over it does nothing,” the man explained, turning to his table again. The next thing he picked up looked like a glorified paint sprayer with a small canister of liquid attached to it. “After I spray him, you shouldn’t have to do anything with his skin. It’ll dry. The bonding agent I put on him first should keep everything in place. Though the worst that would happen is it peels off and I come back and try again.”

“Oh. That’s it? I’m used to more catastrophic results coming from simple problems. I didn’t think it would be that mild.”

“I can tell,” the man grumped. He leaned over the blonde and pulled the trigger on the sprayer. A mist puffed out of the device in semi-regular intervals, coating the graft in a dusting of matte finish. The process lasted barely a minute.

“Is this something people can get on existing scars?” Leon asked curiously, sounding apprehensive.

“I assume you’re asking for the sake of the one on your face?” the doctor asked rhetorically, turning back to his instruments. He began to clean up.

“Maybe,” the brunette muttered.

“Existing scars are different than a fresh wound, as you would imagine. I can’t just coat a clean patch of skin and call it a day. The bonding agent works in conjunction with the body’s natural healing process in order to adhere the graft to the person properly. I would have to cut open your face, remove the existing scar tissue, and then put you back together again. If we were talking somewhere less vital, I might consider it worthwhile. However, faces are tricky because there isn’t much soft tissue to work with and the amount of blood vessels and nerves that get in the way is very difficult to traverse without risking major damage,” the surgeon explained.

“But you could do it?”

“I could, but I’m not going to.”

“Why not?” the Carrier asked.

“Because I wouldn’t be able to add anything other than aesthetics, and I’m not willing to risk paralyzing your face for a smooth forehead. Also, I doubt the Technicians would pay me for it,” the man said.

“Oh,” Leon deadpanned, his eyes turning to focus on the floor. He let out a tiny sigh and wondered when he would grow accustomed to being at the mercy of the Technicians again. Between them and his Charge, the brunette couldn’t foresee any personal freedoms in the near or distant future. Perhaps in another fifty years or so he would have enough money saved up in order to pay for his own corrective surgery. But at that point, would he care anymore?

“If that’s all you have for me, I’ll be leaving now. Report any issues you have to the Technicians and let them contact me. I would expect some itchy irritation for a few days and some peeling afterwards as the excess is shed. However, I’m sure the pain from having a hole in his chest will cover that up. Other than that, nothing else should go wrong,” the man said, packing his instruments into a carrying case. He stepped to a trash bin and tossed a handful of remnants in before heading for the door. “Have a good day,” he added, hurrying past Leon.

The Carrier turned in his seat and watched the man leave, tempted to stop him and ask more questions. He restrained himself, though. It was clear that he wasn’t privileged enough to have his curiosity sated and he wasn’t willing to push his boundaries too much just yet. He turned back to Cloud, his heart feeling heavy. When the blonde wasn’t being menacing and abrasive, Leon didn’t mind his company. The few occasions where they had civil conversations were nice, if a bit tense. The brunette desperately wanted to push aside Cloud’s sins and try to bring back the Charge he originally thought he had. He wanted to be able to care for the blonde without feeling like retaliation was a hair’s breadth away. But he couldn’t; not without being made fun of or abused.

Leon didn’t see many ways he could win in this situation. If he retaliated back, he was afraid the blonde would get so enraged that he would go off and do something stupid, or just leave entirely. Or, even worse, if it came to physical blows, he could hurt his Charge beyond repair. He couldn’t rely on instant healing to put a crushed skull back together anymore. His self control would be tested often, he felt, and he could only hope he would be able to stave off the same hostile instincts that had kicked in when he had attacked Reno.

The last option he saw was to simply take whatever the blonde dished out to him. Squashing his pride and becoming a docile lamb was the most miserable way to live his life, he felt, but it was the safest way to make sure his project and his Charge stayed intact. He would have to count on Cloud waking up at some point and realizing how much pain he had caused his Carrier and hope that it would be enough to change things for the better. Given what Cloud had showed him previously, Leon was fairly confident that his original Charge was able to be brought back and that his current hateful one would eventually disappear. It wouldn’t be a pleasant or a short process, but the brunette couldn’t see any other alternatives.

For the time being, he wasn’t sure what he should do. Cloud wasn’t going to be giving him any entertainment anytime soon, Reno was in surgery, and Tifa and Zack were asleep. He had no one to talk to. But at least he had clothes again, and his chain had been returned to him. If the Technicians had inspected the tiny compartment in the back of the lion head pendant, he couldn’t tell. The seeds were still there, but somewhat damp. He didn’t know what the chain had been through, and he doubted even more that they would take root, but he would still try. It was something to look forward to when he went back to the facility.

Leon sighed, the boredom sinking in. He stood from his seat and wandered around the room, taking a few minutes to watch the varying monitors and screens that were attached to Cloud. Everything seemed to be going well, which was comforting. The blonde himself looked as if he had been hit head-on by several busses, but at least he was breathing well and regularly. The Carrier couldn’t ask for much more than that.

\---------------

It was a couple hours later before Cloud opened his eyes. He felt awful. His throat was raw and dry, his head was pounding, his chest aching, and his extremities felt like they were made of water. The lights in the room immediately blinded him the first chance they got and he quickly squeezed his eyelids closed again with a grimace. He didn’t want to wake up. He was too tired, too sore, and really wasn’t looking forward to coherent thought. His mind was in a useless fog; no real thoughts or ideas coming to him about anything.

Leon had drifted off into a light cat nap on a sofa that was parked against the wall across from Cloud’s bed. The sound of Cloud grunting against the assault the light was inflicting had been as loud as a gunshot to him and his eyes popped open almost immediately. Scrambling upright again, he quickly stood. He could see his Charge attempting to open his eyes but continually closing them again with a deep frown. The brunette hurried over to the bank of switches next to the door and clicked off half the lights before going to Cloud’s side.

“Hey,” Leon said gently, stepping into the blonde’s line of sight. With squinted eyes, Cloud stared at him and slowly blinked. The lack of response was somewhat worrisome and the brunette felt himself starting to panic before anything else.

“Do you remember who I am?” the Carrier asked, his mind flying off into irrational territory and assuming the blonde had permanent brain damage. But, Cloud proved otherwise by giving him the tiniest nods; barely a twitch, but a nod none the less. Leon heaved a heavy shaking sigh.

“I’m glad you’re still here,” Leon continued. Cloud watched with a dim expression as the brunette put a hand on his own chest and took several breaths, attempting to calm his jitteriness.

 _You’re weirding me out. Stop blubbering_ , the blonde thought hazily. His scowl persisted.

“I realize I’m not exactly a stripper popping out of a cake, or anything else that would keep your interest for very long, but at the very least you could look a little happier to see a familiar face. You really scared me. I’m allowed to be upset,” the brunette grumped, taking in his Charge’s sour expression.

 _Stop being a pussy and you wouldn’t have these problems. Don’t get cranky and blame me for your wimpiness; I didn’t do anything,_ Cloud mentally grumped. Complete alertness was hovering just out of reach for him and he desperately wanted his body to make a decision. Was he going to sleep again or wasn’t he? The in-between teasing was losing its appeal very quickly.

Leon sighed, his crassness subsiding quickly. “Sorry. I shouldn’t blame you. You have every right to look angry,” he said. Stepping out of the blonde’s line of sight, he went to pull a chair around. Before he sat, he picked up a tiny box that had been attached to the blonde’s bed via a thick cord. It was the controls for the bed’s positioning. Taking a seat, he fiddled with the buttons for a moment before he got the bed to lower so they could see each other without either of them having to move or strain themselves.

 _The hell did you just do?_ Cloud thought, the sudden movement startling him.

“A lot has happened. If you notice, we’re not in the Shumi Village anymore,” the brunette said, motioning to the rest of the room. Cloud’s eyes followed his hand for as long as they could before the blonde was forced to attempt to move his face. He managed to look around a little, but quickly gave up with a tired huff. “You made it to the other side.  We’re home. Or, well, in the right area at least. This is a hospital that’s a fair distance away from where we’ll be living but you’re officially away from Midgar. For good. You’re not going back,” Leon explained.

Cloud didn’t know how he should feel. He was slowly starting to notice his surroundings and could feel a lot of things touching him that he didn’t think should be there. There was something on his face lying across his upper lip under his nose, and he didn’t like it. Also, there were things pinching his arms and coverings that were keeping them trapped against his skin. Despite all that, the news about losing Midgar forever was what stuck out the most. He didn’t know why, but he felt a very deep feeling of loss. He couldn’t go home? At all? Ever? Leon had told him so, but Cloud hadn’t really given it much consideration until just then. It was clear that they were in a vastly different place, so the blonde didn’t have much of a reason to doubt anymore.

Leon watched as the blonde’s expression slowly turned more and more upset. He hadn’t expected that. Given how his Charge had reacted to Xemnas, he assumed Cloud would’ve been happy to leave Midgar behind. But he clearly wasn’t. Suddenly, it felt like he had made a huge mistake. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I told you that you wouldn’t go back; I thought you were okay with it.”

Cloud heaved as deep a breath as he could muster and tried to get his vocal cords to cooperate with him. He swallowed a few times before trying to speak. “I know,” he said hoarsely. Furrowing his brows together, he cleared his throat. “I just realized I can’t go back to Nibelheim. Fuck Midgar; I don’t give a damn about that. But I…” the blonde said, taking a second to pull his thoughts together with a frown. “I can’t go back and give Aerith any sort of ceremony. Even if there wasn’t anything left to bury, I can’t even get her a headstone. I just…” he continued, pausing again to force himself to keep composure. He stared at the armrest of Leon’s chair blankly, try to feel nothing. “I just… killed her and left; didn’t send her off properly to let her keep any dignity. I may as well have just balled her up and threw her in the trash.”

Leon stared at his Charge with wide eyes. Completely shocked, he didn’t know what to say. Aerith had been the furthest thought from his mind and he was under the impression Cloud wanted to keep it that way. He opened his mouth to say something, couldn’t think of anything, and then closed it again. He tried again with the same result. Eventually, he managed to croak out a question. “Why didn’t you say something before? I didn’t even know that was something you wanted to do.”

“Neither did I until just now,” Cloud said. Regret overflowed out of every synapse in the blonde’s mind and clogged the next few minutes of thinking with wave after wave of lamentation. He squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. When he opened them again they were glassy. He looked to Leon again, unable to make himself speak anymore; his throat felt like it was squeezing shut. Realizing he had spent so much time agonizing over what he had done to Aerith without even considering going back to Nibelheim to give himself and Aerith any closure was the absolute worst feeling. Understanding that it was too late to even try was even more painful.

“I… don’t know what to say,” Leon said.

“Don’t need to say anything,” Cloud muttered. He let out a long breath and shifted around as much as he could so he could see the room properly. It was similar to the hospital rooms he had seen before, but with more of an effort to make it seem homey. That is to say, there was a sofa and a plastic potted plant. The varying machines and computer screens scattered around were new to him, but they weren’t so intrusive that they were worth much contemplation. After several awkward silent minutes, Leon attempted to change the subject.

“Can you breathe easier?” he asked quietly, watching the blonde closely. Cloud looked to him, sluggishly blinking at him again.

“It hurts,” he admitted.

“Well, I would suspect so. You need to heal, but you had to have surgery once you came through the portal. You…” Leon trailed, the image of the blonde’s lifeless eyes flashing through his mind briefly. “You died. They brought you back. And then they gave you a new heart. There’s a lot more stuff you need to have done, but you’re going to get better. Like I said you would.”

“Lucky me,” Cloud said flatly. Now that he thought about it, he did feel different than he did before. He was still in a lot of discomfort but the pain was different. Unbeknownst to him, the medications streaming into his veins through pinching IV tubes was dulling most of it, but it was still enough of a difference to be noticeable. He didn’t feel like he was continually being crushed under a boulder and struggling to breathe. His chest felt tight, but not suffocating. It was better compared to where he was before.

Finally, the blonde looked at himself. His forearms were wrapped in bandages with flexible thin tubes escaping out from under the cloth and dropping off the sides of the bed. There were several in each arm, and it was clear that the bandages were only there to keep them in place. Aside from pinching, he didn’t feel like his limbs had been injured. Also, he still wasn’t fond of the oxygen supply tube lying across his face. He then realized that his chest was exposed to the open air and he had a long uneven line of skin down the middle of his sternum. Slowly, he managed to pull a heavy arm up and touch the spot. It felt tacky against his fingertips and was very tender otherwise.

“You won’t have a scar. You won’t even notice it’s there after a while,” Leon said. Cloud furrowed his brows and started picking at the bandages keeping the irritating tubes on his arms. The Carrier quickly covered the hand with his own to stop him before shooing them away. “Don’t mess with these. Especially not these ones,” the brunette said hurriedly, gently laying his palms against the blonde’s forearm. “These are the medications that are helping your body adjust to working with your new heart. If you want to fuck yourself over and mess with the other ones, then be my guest, but not these.”

“What’re the other ones?” the blonde asked.

“Pain medication and fluids. You can live without those though I don’t recommend it,” the brunette responded, sitting back and letting go of his Charge again. Cloud watched him carefully for a moment, debating whether or not he should take the Carrier at his word.

“Okay. But they’re pinching me. It’s irritating,” he said. Dropping his limbs to his sides again, he relaxed back against his pillow with a sigh. Leon took it upon himself to begin unwrapping one of the arms so he could adjust the needles. Cloud didn’t care to watch him or resist any of the Carrier’s excessive touching. Exhaustion and overwhelming grief were pulling at every fiber of his being, dragging him down into such a mental pit that he couldn’t bring himself to care if the brunette accidentally unhooked something important and killed him. To his dismay, Leon actually knew what he was doing and didn’t do anything wrong. The pinching subsided and his arms were rewrapped dutifully.

“Better?” his Carrier asked, taking note of the blank and unfeeling face his Charge was giving the ceiling.

“Yeah,” the blonde deadpanned. Another long awkward silence passed.

“Look, Cloud, if there’s anything I can do for—“ Leon attempted.

“You can leave,” his Charge responded flatly.

“I… can’t actually.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m supposed to stay with you. I’m the only one that can translate for you.”

“Great,” Cloud spat.

“Can I ask why you want me to leave?”

“Because the amount of hate I have for you right now is inhuman.”

“What?” Leon asked, furrowing his brows together sadly.

“We’ve been over this. It’s painful enough to know that she’s dead, but it makes it _so_ much worse knowing I’m the one at fault,” the blonde said. He glared at the ceiling for a moment. “I honestly didn’t think you’d follow through on anything that you told me. I didn’t think you’d actually help me get better. I thought all your pretty words were a crock of shit and… now that I know they’re not, and I am actually being saved, I hate you even more.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. I help save your life and—“

“I don’t want to be saved!” Cloud yelled over him. He fixed spiteful eyes on the Carrier. Leon leaned away from him timidly. “All you’re doing is forcing me to live with the awful things I’ve done. And for what? For your benefit? Because you ‘need’ me? You said it yourself that all you need me for is my blood. Why is that enough of a reason to torture me like this? Just take it and let me die!” the blonde persisted, his breathing turning shaky with his anger and the strain.

Leon was quiet for a moment, letting the air between them calm some before he attempted to speak again. A lot was running through his mind in that moment. Guilt was the most prominent thing he felt but there was also a fair amount of pity. He could understand very easily how the blonde felt. He was sure Cloud hated himself just as much, if not more than he hated his Carrier. Leon didn’t feel much better about himself and wasn’t entirely convinced he was worth such an important project and all the responsibility he had. In that way they were very similar. They both felt that they weren’t worth a jar of spit and should probably just up and die and save the world the pain of having them around. But, neither of them could bring themselves to do the deed. Be it fear, guilt, or obligation, Leon and Cloud weren’t going to off themselves anytime soon, which was a relief when Leon realized it.

“Are you done?” Leon asked. Immediately confused, Cloud furrowed his brows together.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“If you’re done, we can move on to other things.”

“You’re not going to say anything?”

“What should I say? I don’t know how many more ways I can repeat myself, Cloud. Whether you like it or not, you are the most important person in my life. I’m not going to let you die. You can try to kill yourself if you want, but I _will_ stop you. I’m not going to leave, either. If it’ll make you feel better, you can scream nasty things at me, but I’m still going to be here so you should get used to it,” Leon said, his tone soft. Inside, he was very fearful. That paranoid part of his brain was telling him that he shouldn’t try to justify anything to Cloud because it was basically an invitation for the blonde to get angry and abuse him. He couldn’t bring himself to look at his Charge’s searing eyes and focused on the railing on the bed instead. But, his words were honest, which helped him feel a bit more stable.

Cloud was quiet for a moment afterward before he let out another sigh. “Just go away, then. I don’t want you near me,” he muttered. Leon nodded and stood. He pushed his chair away and shuffled over to the sofa again.

\---------------------

"Leon?" Tifa asked. She poked her head into Cloud's room from the hallway curiously. Leon had since taken his leave from Cloud's side and set himself up on the sofa again like he had been before. It wasn’t long after their discussion, but his Charge had already fallen back asleep. Leon had tried to do the same but with no luck. Tifa was a welcome distraction from his mental torment.

"Hey," Leon greeted quietly. He gave her a tiny smile as he sat upright again. She stepped into the room, her arms crossed under her bosom, the limbs doing most of the support for her ample chest. She looked unhappy. Leon raised a brow.

"I know you're waiting for Cloud but could you do me a huge favor?" she asked.

"Sure."

"Can you give me a back massage? Just my lower back."

"Uh..."

"I'd normally make Zack do it but he's asleep."

"I suppose I can. I can't guarantee that I'll be any good at it though."

"That's okay. Anything helps," Tifa said. She took a seat on the sofa with her back to him.

"Are you okay?" Leon asked, he turned to her and pressed his hands into her back as she had asked.

"I will be, yeah. The Technicians haven't given our luggage back yet and my bras are in there. I really need the support otherwise my back hurts after a day or so," she said with a light sigh. "Thank you for your help."

"No problem. Is Zack okay, though? He's been out for a while now."

"Yeah he'll be okay. He gets what they call 'rift sickness,' which is basically really bad jet lag mixed with some whiplash. Or so he described anyway. He gets it from traveling through the portal."

"Ah. I see. I've never had either of those sensations so I don't really know how that would feel. Doesn't sound fun, regardless."

"I said the same thing. I can't relate either. Apparently it's similar to being punched in the head a few times, too."

"That I can understand more."

"You've been punched in the head?"

"A lot of painful things have been done to me, yes. Don't really want to elaborate but just know I can relate somewhat," Leon said flatly. Tifa hesitated, wondering if she could press for more details without being pushed away. She decided against it.

"Okay," she agreed. Slowly easing forward, she eventually lay flat on her stomach and sprawled out along the couch. Leon was evicted from his spot, but it didn't bother him too much. He scooted up and planted himself on the woman's rump, using her butt as a seat so he could reach her back still.

After a short while of helping Tifa, the pair settled down together to relax. The woman helped herself to lying between Leon's legs and using his stomach as a pillow. Though the position hurt her back more than it helped, she was content to suffer for the sake of the closeness Leon was permitting her to have. However, she was envious of how easily Leon was able to nod off.

A nurse stopped by to check on Cloud. Tifa watched her carefully as she neglected to notice them (or ignored them) on the couch. The first thing the other woman did was take up the tablet that hung from the end of Cloud's bed. She took it to one of the computer monitors and plugged it in to update Cloud's records. She then put it back and stepped to the blonde's side. The oxygen tube lying across the blonde's top lip was slowly starting to migrate elsewhere and she reached in to adjust if back to where it needed to be.

When Cloud felt the tickling sensation of someone messing with his face, his first instinct was to make it stop. His hand shot up and grabbed the woman's wrist a second before his eyes popped open again. The nurse let out a startled yelp, which in turn made Leon jolt awake again. Tifa couldn't help but laugh a little.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to wake you!" the nurse squeaked hurriedly. Cloud, holding his breath as he tried to assess the situation, could only stare at her with wide-eyed surprise. He also had no idea what she was saying.

"What's happening?" Leon asked, his voice still heavy with sleep.

"Cloud scared his nurse," Tifa said casually. The brunette blinked away as much grogginess as he could before looking towards his Charge's bed.

" _Let go of her, Cloud. She isn't hurting you_ ," Leon said.

" _Tell her to not touch my face while I'm trying to sleep_ ," the blonde responded, slowly letting the woman go. She stepped away from him, holding her arm close to her chest and looking threatened.

"I'm sorry," she repeated. "His oxygen line was slipping and I tried to fix it for him. His charts didn't say anything about him having adverse reactions to anything other than white lab coats and white hair. I should've asked before trying, though. I'm new, but that's not an excuse," she explained, her tone panicked.

"You didn't do anything wrong, he's just an asshole," Leon said, settling back against the sofa again. He looked to Cloud. " _That tube on your face helps you breathe. Let her fix it for you_."

" _No, it's irritating as it is and she's not even pretty. I don't want her help_ ," Cloud muttered crankily.

" _Then fix it yourself. Shove the prongs back up your nose and get used to it. I'm aware of what you said earlier, but taking that tube away will only make you slowly suffocate with no guarantee of actually killing you. I'd advise against torturing yourself_."

Cloud glared at his Carrier for a moment before reaching up and fixing the tube himself. He hadn't realized that breathing had gotten a bit more difficult until it was back where it needed to be. Leon had made a valid point. Cloud didn't want to torture himself on the road to killing himself. He didn't even want to do the latter on his own; he just wanted it to happen for him.

"I'll make a note in his charts that he's been awake and that meals should be brought in. Is there anything else extra he needs outside of that?" The nurse asked.

Leon shrugged. "I don't think so."

"Okay. I'll change his fluids and be on my way, then," the woman said hurriedly. Leon watched her work with scrutiny. "I also updated his records with his latest test results and there are a few forms we need you to fill out in there as well."

"Okay," Leon agreed. The woman finished quickly and practically sprinted out of the room, which was amusing to see. Tifa slowly pulled herself up off of Leon's stomach and flopped over to the other side of the couch so he could get up. He retrieved the tablet from the end of Cloud's bed and sat again.

"Ah, I did those yesterday," Tifa said, craning her neck to see the forms Leon had been given.

"Yeah? What are they for?" He asked.

"To make sure you didn't do anything to mess yourself up. They just want to know what you did or experienced while you were gone. Mine was simple because I didn't leave the village. I encourage you to be as honest as possible because they'll give you help if you need it."

"Okay," Leon agreed, settling in for a long process. It was a simple questionnaire with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ questions. Most of them also had a comment section where extra details could he provided.

**Did you come in contact with any substances you are concerned about such as anything caustic or organic that might contain a disease?**

_Does semen count? There's been a fair amount of semen in, on, and around my person. I don't believe anyone had anything though. Does sea water count too? I didn't notice anything off. But then again I don't know what grows in the water there. Hmm..._

**Have you come in contact with any electrical currents strong enough to interfere with your Link or other artificial bodily functions?**

_Yes._

 

**We see you answered 'yes' to the previous question. Do you feel any differently than you did prior to your electrocution?**

_I... don't know. So much has happened; I can't tell what I feel from what experience._

"Are you okay? You look upset," Tifa asked. Leon shrugged.

"I'm just not sure how to answer some of this. They're asking me if I felt different after some experiences but I don't know if it's from that instance or everything that's gone on.”

"You can just write that in there."

"I guess," Leon said, slouching in his seat more as he did so.

**Have you had any excessive physical trauma with or without lasting conditions or disabilities?**

_I don't like this... I don't want to answer. But if I lie, I might miss an opportunity for some help if I actually need it. I guess I don't have much of a choice._

**We see you answered 'yes' to the previous question. Has the trauma left you physically deformed?**

_Well, scars aren't really deformations. Blemishes, maybe. I wish I could feel my forehead though. Does nerve damage count as a deformation?_

"You're sure you're okay?" Tifa asked, watching him carefully. The longer Leon watched the screen, the more upset he looked. He glanced at her and nodded.

"Yeah. They're just difficult questions. I'd... Actually prefer if I could fill this out by myself," Leon admitted, casting her a sideways glance. Tifa raised her eyebrows to him, quietly urging him to say more and explain. She quickly got the hint when he gave no indication of continuing. Her patience waned quickly.

"Okay. Did you want me to throw a blanket over Cloud?" she asked briskly. Leon scowled.

"Please don't try to make me feel guilty or make light of this. I just want to fill this out privately and without being interrogated."

"If you say so," Tifa dismissed; the annoyance clear in her voice. She sluggishly rolled off the sofa and stood. Folding her arms under her chest again, she left with a crease in her brow.

" _Why'd you make her leave_?" Cloud asked abruptly. Leon had forgotten his Charge was still awake.

" _I'm trying to work and she was being nosy,_ " he said simply, scrunching himself down in his seat as he tried to hide behind the tablet as much as possible. " _Go back to sleep,_ " he added.

" _Trying to,_ " the blonde said with a sigh.

“ _Want me to call the doctor and see if they’ll give you something to knock you out_?” Leon offered. Cloud hesitated for a moment, wondering what that something would be. He wasn’t completely familiar with anything the brunette was saying to him. He was okay with understanding that medicines and things came to him through tubes in his arms. But what they were and what they were supposedly doing for him were details he didn’t know. It didn’t occur to him that he could be given a medicine that would help him sleep. He was picturing someone coming in with a hammer to ‘knock him out.’

“ _I guess_?” he said with a very obvious amount of skepticism in his voice, attempting to trust that his Carrier knew what he was talking about and wasn’t trying to hurt him.

“ _If you don’t want it, you don’t have to._ ”

“ _I don’t even get what ‘it’ is supposed to be. What would the doctor do_?”

“ _Oh. Sorry, I didn’t even think it’d be unclear. He’d give you something to help you sleep. Some sort of medication or whatever._ ”

“ _I had way more violent images in my head. Just… assume I don’t know anything when you tell me stuff. Chances are I don’t,_ ” Cloud grumbled. He sighed, letting his head drop back against his pillow. “ _The longer I’m awake, the more this places creeps me out. If the doctor can give me things to make me sleep until I’m better and can move around, then that sounds like a good plan._ ”

“ _Okay_ ,” the Carrier agreed, standing from his seat in order to press the call button next to Cloud’s bed.


	72. Chapter 72

Reno was awake from his surgery quicker than Leon had expected. The redhead was mostly alert, but bed bound. Because of the nature of his injury, the Technicians opted not to turn down the bovine Carrier's nerve sensitivity. Any sort of movement should be felt, they believed. So instead, they gave Reno painkillers. On anyone else, that wouldn't have been a problem, but Reno was different. High as a kite, the redhead had turned insufferable.

"You promised this morning that I'd get cuddles," the redhead whined, wiggling his fingers down the top hem of Leon's shorts. He gave them a tug and the brunette staggered backwards, bumping into Reno's bed with a grunt.

"I did. I didn't agree to strip though," Leon said grumpily. Unless he wanted to remove clothing, his friend had him trapped. Reno rarely had to rely on his Carrier strength for much of anything, but in that moment his head wasn't very clear. Leon hadn't been privy to it before, but he was suddenly reminded that his friend's Totem was much bigger than his, and therefore much stronger.

"We have before," Reno said defiantly, trying to haul Leon into his bed by his clothes.

"Yes, but we weren't sharing a recovery room with Cloud before," the brunette defended. Resisting still, Leon tried to peel the redhead's fingers off of him.

The setup they were in was temporary as Reno came off his higher doses of pain medication. In his delirium, the redhead had insisted that he be put near Leon so the brunette could shower him in affection, completely ignoring the fact that his friend was trying to take care of Cloud as well. So, for now Reno got his way. Mostly. Leon hadn't been consulted and was genuinely surprised when the redhead was deposited in the room and the nurses left. As a result, Leon was cranky and less than willing to be affectionate.

 "So? Let him be angry about it. He acts as if he's never seen a flaccid penis within a few feet of another flaccid penis. The kid can get over it," the redhead said.

"You're lucky he's not here right now," Leon said, trying to pull away again. Reno tugged him back.

"Yeah I am. I don't like him. You should come back to our other room."

"Wish I could but Cloud needs a translator," the brunette sighed. Reno gave him another pull. "Ah! Stop! My shorts are starting to cut into my waist!"

"Then get in here!"

"Not naked."

"Yes naked."

"Reno..." Leon said with a deep sigh. He looked over his shoulder at the redhead, giving him a disparaging look. "Please don't make me get naked around Cloud."

Realization smacked into the redhead immediately. He let go of Leon's shorts, snatching his hand back as if he had been burned. "I'm sorry! I forgot!" he blabbed.

"Yeah, I noticed," Leon said. He stepped away and straightened his clothing out. Reno, eyes sad, sat back and watched his friend carefully. The brunette took a moment to quell the anxiousness he felt before he turned to the bed and started awkwardly climbing in. Surprised, the redhead scooted aside as much as he could.

"You're sure?" Reno asked as they settled down together. Leon stretched an arm across the pillows, allowing his friend to snuggle up to him as much as possible.

"I'm glad they were able to fix you," Leon said, ignoring the other's question. He pet his friend's hair and rested his cheek against his forehead.

"Physical therapy has to happen first, but I'll keep you informed. I'm sure I'll be fine."

"You better be."

"I will," Reno said, closing his eyes. With his arm immobilized at his side and covered in bandages, he was very uncomfortable even with the pain medication. His head felt like it was swimming and his vision wasn't as focused as it should've been. But, having Leon with him was a huge comfort. With that, his symptoms were ignorable. "Where is Cloud, by the way?" He asked as an afterthought.

"There is a male nurse in the bathroom with him attempting to help him bathe. Or so I'm told. If I know Cloud well enough, I'm sure there isn't much bathing happening; it's probably more like mildly damp growling and angry faces," Leon said.

"I'm sure he's thrilled."

"A female nurse was going to do it but I stopped her."

"What did Cloud say?"

"He doesn't speak the language so he was oblivious. I like to think I saved her an hour of harassment."

"You did your good deed for the day," Reno said, nuzzling under Leon's chin. The brunette smiled a bit, happy to have the affection returned.

Meanwhile, in the bathroom, Cloud was having an awkwardly bad day. According to Leon, he smelled funny. The nurse that brought in his breakfast must've felt the same way because she wrinkled her nose at him, and shortly thereafter, a man showed up to whisk him away. Once he was aware of what was happening, he shut down. He was unresponsive and sat on the plastic bench across from the toilet with a sour face. In his head he was preparing to use his IV pole as a weapon if the other man so much as looked at him strangely.

"C'mon then," the nurse urged, motioning to the seat that had been set in the oversized tub. Cloud said nothing and gave him a dirty look. The steam rising off the water's surface was enticing, but he didn't feel like he needed any help other than walking.

 _"I can do it myself,"_ Cloud said.

The nurse frowned and passed by him to get to the door. He opened it and stuck his head out into the recovery room. Pressing his lips into a thin line, he stared at the pair huddled in Reno's bed. 9x8b wasn't much help to him, it would seem. The nurse supposed it was his own fault for not checking over Cloud's charts, but even still, someone should've mentioned to him that Cloud wouldn't understand him. Clearing his throat, he tried to get Leon's attention.

"Something the matter?" The brunette asked, turning his attention away from Reno.

"I wasn't aware your Charge didn't know the tongue," the nurse said.

Reno stifled a giggle behind a snort. "Cloud doesn't know how to tongue," he murmured into his friend's chest.

"Ah, yes. Sorry. I'll be in shortly," Leon said. Reno let out a whine.

"Noooo," he trailed, burrowing  his face into the other's shoulder.

"I have to. I'll come back," Leon said.

"Fine. But in exchange, I want you to help me with my bath too," Reno huffed.

"Maybe," the brunette said, shuffling out of the bed. He followed the nurse into the bathroom.

" _Is it customary here for people to be bathed by complete strangers?_ " Cloud asked. The longer he sat upright, the more tired he became, and thus his mood was declining.

 _"In this situation, yes. He's here to help you,"_ Leon said, crossing his arms over his chest impatiently. _"Would you rather I do it?"_ He asked.

 _"I can't decide which is worse,"_ Cloud admitted. He stared at the floor, contemplating his options. It was clear to him that he couldn't walk very well so doing it himself wasn't an option. Leon watched his Charge sulk like a tortured soul for a few seconds before his patience dried up.

 _"I don't want to stand around in here and see you act like an immature jackass about this. I'm done,"_ he spat, turning on his heel to leave.

 _"Stop,"_ Cloud said. Leon turned back to him. _"I only need help getting in."_

_"Are you going to freak out if I touch you in order to get you in there?"_

_"No,"_ Cloud said, shaking his head. Leon wasn't convinced, but he tried to push the feeling aside. He went to his Charge's side and offered his hand. Before taking it, Cloud tried to shuffle out of his papery hospital gown. Leon simply tore the sleeves for him so they didn't have to bother with the IV lines. The gauze on the blonde’s arms keeping the lines in place had been removed and replaced with waterproof tape-like bands. If he was careful, he could move around alright, but it was still a chore to.

Cloud was slow to get in the bath. Between his embarrassment and his physical condition, it was an agonizing process. Leon tried to be patient. He tried to feel sympathetic. He tried to pity. But all he managed to do was have vision after vision of holding the blonde's face underwater until the bubbles stopped. It scared him, how quickly he could hate his Charge. It was wrong, but he couldn't help himself.

 _"Did you need anything else?"_ Leon asked. Cloud, trying to curl himself up and hide as much as he comfortably could, simply shook his head. His eyes were fixed on the water. _"Then I will leave you with your nurse,"_ he added, looking to the other man. "Just help him out when he needs to be moved around. Otherwise, I would let him fend for himself. He's stupid like that."

"Right," the nurse agreed. With a tiny nod, Leon left.

"What took you so long?" Reno demanded, giving his friend wide eyes when he returned.

"Cloud was taking forever to not be a twat," the brunette said. He pulled himself up into Reno's bed again to settle in with him. The redhead happily obliged and cuddled up as well.

"Was it any different than any other time?"

"Not really. The fact that he was naked and vulnerable at the time gave me a surge of sadism I never realized I had, though," the brunette said.

Reno let out an audible shiver, sliding a hand up his friend’s chest. "Ooo, a surge of sadism you say?"

"I couldn't stop thinking about how easy it would be to drown him just then."

"Well that goes a little past sadism and turns into murder, I think. Warranted murder, but murder nonetheless."

"I don't want to be like that though."

"It's okay. So long as you don't act on it you'll be okay," Reno said. He yawned wide and nuzzled the other's collar bones. "Sadism is okay too. In certain environments anyway."

"I don't like it."

"I do. I think it's sexy. There’s nothing better than the sense of panic you get when someone holds you down and makes you scream. It’s a huge adrenaline rush. Especially if choking is involved. Especially especially when the other person is actually stronger than you and knows how to make you afraid of them."

"Reno..." Leon grumbled, the warning in his voice apparent.

"Alright alright, sheesh. Don't get angry; it was a compliment."

"Go to sleep," Leon said sharply.

"Yeah okay."

\----

Cloud wasn't pleased with his new roommate. But surprisingly, he kept his opinions to himself. Leon had expected his Charge to throw a tantrum, but once the blonde was done with his bath, he simply hobbled back to his bed with the help of his nurse and crawled in. Leon was concerned about the lack of response. He shuffled out of Reno's bed as gently as he could and went to his Charge's bedside.

"Everything alright?" Leon asked.

"Just wonderful," came Cloud's curt response. The brunette frowned.

"Anything I can do for you?"

"Jump off a cliff."

"Anything reasonable I can do for you?"

"Jump off a cliff and land on a bed of nails."

"I don't understand why you're so hostile. All I did was help you," Leon said, folding his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, I know."

"So why the hostility?"

"Leave me alone. I don't want anything from you, so fuck off."

"Fine," Leon agreed, taking a seat nearby.

"Leave," the blonde spat, sending a sharp glare in the brunette's direction.

"No. I can't."

"Sure you can. Go crawl back in the bed with Reno. I don't want you near me."

"Why? Because you're upset that I had to help you?"

"Go away," Cloud said, pulling his blanket up to cover his face. Leon could see the tips of his Charge's ears turning red.

"I'm not trying to embarrass you. You're not well, so I helped. It's just something that happens."

"Stop."

"Why? Are you grateful and don't want to be?"

"Fuck you."

"Are you afraid that I'll attack you in your sleep like a horny schoolgirl because I saw you naked? "

"You're disgusting."

"Well I'm running out of ideas, Cloud. There is only so much I can think of to justify your behavior. Although I don't know why I'm trying; you don't deserve justification."

"Just go away," the blonde said, the spite in his voice sedated. He yanked more of his covers up and pulled them over his head. Leon sighed, considering his Charge's strange behavior.

What Leon wasn't aware of was the awkwardness he had left behind in the bathroom. Cloud's nurse had seated himself on the toilet and watched the blonde bathe himself. But bathing in the same vicinity as other men wasn't really what bothered him. It was the fact that he was the only point of interest for the nurse to focus on, and having him watch with hawk-like interest was extremely unsettling. The man had made a lot effort to see every part of him whenever the blonde touched himself, regardless of where it was. Cloud had even attempted to get the man to close the curtain between them but the nurse had pushed it back and out of the way.

Cloud wasn't used to such treatment. The health care he was receiving confused him and the things that were supposedly normal were anything but. He only knew that whatever they were doing to him was working. He was able to remove his oxygen line for certain lengths of time, and Leon said he'd be off his heart medication in a few more days if he kept progressing well enough. It didn't appear as though Cloud's body was rejecting anything, and he felt substantially better because of it. He was far from a complete recovery, but he could feel the progress.

However, he couldn't say if having his nurse stare at him while he washed himself was supposed to be tolerated. He was unsure if he was missing something or if he was just overly sensitive to such things. After all, male nurses and sponge baths in the hospital were both foreign concepts to him. He didn't want to admit to Leon what went on. He was tired of being the stupid ignorant one. Plus, the nurse didn't do anything else other than watch, help him get out, and get dressed again. No harm done.

"You're sure you're alright?" Leon persisted.

"Yeah sure whatever. Go away," Cloud spat.

"Okay. If you say so. I do appreciate you being pleasant to your nurse, though. Before he left he volunteered to come back. I wasn't expecting that."

"Did he?" Cloud asked. He pulled his blanket away so he could see Leon properly. The brunette raised a brow at the blonde's surly expression and flushed cheeks. "I don't want him to come back."

"Why? Because he's male?"

"That's part of it, yeah."

"You're going to have to get over it. I don't want any female nurses near you."

"Is that a problem? Are you jealous?" Cloud asked snidely. Leon laughed.

"Not at all. Forgive my forethought but I thought it was for the best."

"So I wasn't supposed to have a guy sitting in the bathroom with me?"

"Not initially, no," Leon said. Cloud furrowed his brows together and contemplated the scenario. Would it have still been weird if it had been a woman staring at him? Probably. He wasn't used to having an audience for such activity in general but it would've been more tolerable for sure. Instead of immediate anger though, he was curious.

"How... how is this supposed to work?" he asked, his confusion getting the better of him.

"What do you mean?"

"How are they supposed to act when you bathe?"

"I still don't understand what you're asking."

"Well... This sort of stuff didn't happen back home. At all. Extended stays in the hospital were rare and bathing wasn't a priority, even though it probably should’ve been. So I'm unsure of what the right behavior is. Explain," Cloud said, the uncertainty in his voice apparent.

"The nurses are there to help you if you need it, regardless of what you need. If you couldn't lift your arms at all, they would bathe you for you. Otherwise they're supposed to be on standby until you need them," Leon explained.

"Oh."

"Why does it matter?"

"Are they supposed to... watch?" the blonde asked, his cheeks turning pink involuntarily.

"If they have reason to, they might. Usually it's if someone has a history of suicide attempts and is given a razor to shave with, or a stubborn patient who insists on doing things themselves but really shouldn't be; they’re not allowed to argue with you if you resist. Something like that. Why? Was yours watching you?"

"...Yeah. I tried to pull the curtain closed but he wouldn't let me," Cloud said. Leon frowned.

"He shouldn't have had a reason to do that. I didn't say anything to him."

"It was weird. I didn't like it."

"I bet. I'll have a talk with the head nurse about it. He won't be back," Leon said. Part of him was enjoying the fact that his Charge was getting a taste of his own sexual harassment medicine, but the other parts of him wanted to lock the blonde away in his safe box and keep him away from it. Had the nurse not volunteered to come back, the situation would've been less strange.

"Okay," Cloud said, fiddling with his blanket idly.

"Are you alright? You seem shaken."

"It was really weird. I really didn't like it," the blonde repeated.

"I'm sorry. I should've thought it was weird when he said he'd happily come back."

"Don't say that," Cloud said, holding his face in his hands. "When are we leaving?"

"Not for a while, I'm afraid. I'll keep him away from you, though. If it's easier to deal with, I can be present instead next time. You can close the curtain."

"A woman would be better."

"No."

"I haven't even done anything wrong. That's unfair."

"Be less disgusting around women and I might consider it in a few weeks."

"I'm not disgusting."

"You might not think so, but according to this world, you are," Leon said. He let out a sigh. "Just accept that this is how it's going to be for now. You don't have to worry about weird nurses anymore. I'll help you instead."

"You're the weirdest nurse of them all."

"And you're stuck with me regardless, so too bad for you."

"Yeah, I know," Cloud said grumpily. He lay back against his pillows tiredly. "I don't want to talk about this anymore. I'd like to sleep."

"Okay," Leon agreed, standing again.

He went back to Reno's bed and gently shuffled back in with him. The redhead was somewhat awake and been eavesdropping in on the pair's conversation. He gave the brunette a concerned face but Leon shook his head a bit, telling him to dismiss it.

Whatever concerns Reno had were irrelevant. Leon wasn't thrilled about the idea of creeper nurses walking around under the guise of being helpful; he was unsettled by it almost as much as Cloud was. However, he still didn't want to let the female nurses back in. So, his alternative was to just do things for his Charge himself. It was part of his job, after all. It didn't matter who his Charge was or what he did; he still needed to be taken care of.

\----

The next morning was much more active than Leon wanted it to be. Reno was up bright and early and in his face immediately. The brunette regretted sleeping next to him. The redhead had his pain medication refilled at dawn before he was awake, which meant that by the time he did get up, they had settled in enough for the loopiness to overtake him. Leon woke up to a hand petting his face.

"Gah!" the brunette stammered, instantly pulling away in surprise. "Why are you groping my face?" he asked from behind Reno's hand.

"It was splitting into two and I needed to make sure you weren't budding off another of yourself like a sea sponge. Did you know sea sponges were asexual when they existed? They were weird."

"I did know that, actually."

"Good. Good. I'm glad," Reno said, a broad smile sliding across his face.

"You're scaring me," Leon said. He grabbed the hand in his face and held it. Reno then pulled them both up to his cheek and rested it against the backs of Leon's fingers. The brunette raised a brow.

"Good morning," he said, his smile turning into a grin.

"Morning," Leon said. He started pushing himself up into a sitting position so he could check on Cloud. The blonde was still asleep, which was a relief. He wasn't sure he wanted to deal with an inebriated Reno and a cranky Charge at the same time. Reno didn't give him much time to consider anything else though because he suddenly felt a warm hand creep up the back of his shirt and around his side. The redhead sat up and leaned against the other's shoulder, hugging him tightly.

"I'm glad you're keeping me company, sea sponge. Thanks," Reno said.

"No problem," Leon replied, leaning against the redhead as well. "How's your shoulder?"

"I can barely feel my face let alone my shoulder. It's kind of sore, but hardly anything to worry about. I do feel tingly all over though. It's nice."

"Painkillers for Carriers are pretty intense. I'm not surprised."

"Yeah," Reno said quietly, closing his eyes. He rubbed his cheek against the other's shoulder blade as his hand crept down Leon's front. The brunette grabbed said hand and stopped it when he felt it going below his navel.

"Reno," Leon warned, his voice turning icy. He could already tell that the day was going to be a long one.

"Can't help it," the redhead defended, as if that was enough of an explanation.

"Yes you can," the brunette retorted. He turned and started scooting off the bed. Reno pulled him back easily. "Stop it!"

"Don't want to. I just want cuddles," Reno said.

"I want to get up, though. I don't need you trying to stick your hand in my shorts for the sake of 'cuddles'."

"But I have really bad morning wood and I need help," the redhead said bluntly.

Leon held his face in his hands with an angry sigh. "I'll go find Tifa, then. She's probably more willing than I am."

"But--"

"No, Reno. Please stop. We've talked about this so many times that every time it comes up it makes me want to hurt you. Just listen to me. Please," Leon said. The fear of someone who was actually stronger than him forcing him to do things was very real. The feeling was compounded by the fact that that particular someone was someone he really cared about. Leon knew Reno wouldn't normally make him do anything he didn't want to do, but the redhead wasn't himself. The situation quickly turned panicky for him. His pulse sped up and his palms started to sweat.

"But--"

"Stop... just stop..." Leon said, his voice turning softer as it became more difficult to breathe through his anxiety.

Suddenly, a hard plastic cup collided with the back of Reno's head. Water spewed everywhere, making the redhead shout in surprise and pull away. He quickly spun around and fixed hostile eyes on Cloud, who was now awake and glaring daggers at Reno. Leon took the opportunity to get away and jumped off the bed. He was a bit damp, but he was extremely grateful for the distraction anyway.

"He said to stop," the blonde said, taking a deep shaky breath as he worked to untangle his IV lines and set them down again. He had been awake on and off for most of the morning, and when he had heard Leon and Reno talking, the conversation made his blood boil. He didn't care so much about Reno molesting anyone, but he did care about the possibility of blatant homosexual sex happening within his eyesight. He would've been trapped in a very awkward place if Reno had gotten his way. In Cloud's eyes, Leon didn't have enough of a spine to defend himself so it would've only been a matter of time before he gave in. So, the blonde felt compelled to intervene.

"Cloud?" Leon asked, thoroughly confused. Cloud had never done anything nice for him before, let alone defend him from anything. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him.

"What gives you the right to--" Reno barked.

"He said to stop. Not 'stop because someone might see,' or 'we can do this later elsewhere,' or anything like that. He said to stop. There wasn't an option there," Cloud said, glancing at Leon. The brunette was slowly backing away from Reno's bed.

"It's none of your--"

"Business? You made it my business when you moved your broken ass in here. Morning wood isn't an excuse to pull nasty stunts, you know. It's not a big deal. Besides," Cloud said, shifting around onto his side so his back was to them both. "Mine's bigger."

Reno stared at the blonde's back, his mouth hanging open in shock. He looked to Leon, who had made it to the door and was leaning against the frame, watching him with wary eyes. The brunette was visibly upset, and in Reno's fogginess, he couldn't grasp the idea that it was his fault. He was more upset that Leon had denied him yet again. His friend was being awfully selfish, even though what Reno wanted was going to be a mutually beneficial thing. Or at least it was in his head.

"I'm going to go find Tifa, and then I'll talk to someone about switching your pain medication. Whatever you're on now is... frightening," Leon said hesitantly. He eased around the door frame and into the hall.

\----

Leon was lost. Again. He could've sworn that his original room was just down the hall from Cloud's recovery room, but he couldn't find it. On and on he walked, his thoughts plaguing him the entire time. Reno and Cloud had switched roles for twenty seconds, and he didn't know what to think. Reno would be back to himself when he got the right medication or when he was off it for good. Cloud, on the other hand, had sounded like he cared for a moment. Was he changing?

His Charge's choice of words was what perplexed him the most. There wasn't any hostility towards him, which was a new experience. On a normal day, Cloud would've pitched a fit and probably would've called Leon and Reno both all manner of derogatory things. Something was wrong with his Charge. Perhaps his unsettling encounter with the nurse had set off a chain reaction of compassion. Leon found that contemplating the blonde's evidence of humanity made him feel substantially better. His anxiety slowly eased away and the thoughts gave him a bit of hope.

"Excuse me," came an unfamiliar voice from behind him. Leon turned, eyebrows raised. Standing a short distance away was a young man that looked no older than sixteen. He had haphazard pale dirty blonde hair that hung just below his jawline, brown eyes, and a lanky stature. It only took a moment, but eventually the other's scent reached him. He was most definitely a Carrier. A fellow feline Carrier, specifically. He was still dressed in normal casual clothes so the brunette concluded he had only just returned.

"Yes?" Leon asked.

"Do you know which way the stasis chambers are?" the newcomer asked politely.

"I have no idea. I've been lost for twenty minutes already," Leon admitted with a shrug.

"Ah, I see."

"If you'd like to wander with me, feel free."

"I suppose I could," the other agreed. He fell in line with Leon and they started off down the hall together.

"I'm Leon," the brunette said, offering his hand. The other Carrier took it and shook it firmly.

"Joshua."

"Did you just get back?"

"About an hour ago I believe, yeah," Joshua said. He sighed.

"Was there a problem?"

"Apparently my Charge had a foreign contagion on his clothing and they rushed him off to quarantine, which is apparently near the stasis chambers. Wherever that is."

"I have yet to find a map or anyone who could give me adequate directions."

"That doesn't bode well. What about you? Been back long?"

"Almost a week. My Charge is getting some things done before they dump him into stasis. We'll be here awhile."

"Well, at least he's getting better."

"Yeah. It'll be okay. The major part is done, he just needs to recover enough so he can get the other procedures done."

"What was the major part?"

"Heart replacement."

"Wow, going for broke is he? Was it an organic or inorganic replacement?"

"Inorganic. We would've been here for ages if we had to find an organic replacement," Leon said. He waved a dismissive hand. "Organic replacements are archaic. Their rejection rate is much too high."

"True enough. Some people are sensitive to that sort of thing, though, and like the idea of keeping all natural parts."

Leon laughed. "Maybe if my Charge understood what ‘organic’ and ‘inorganic’ meant, he might care. Too late now, though."

"Also true," Joshua agreed with a tiny smile. They came to a fork in the hallway and milled around in the middle of it for a moment before deciding where to walk next. Leon was much happier than he thought he would be to find someone new and intelligent to talk to. It was a relief to realize that he could still hold a reasonable conversation with a stranger.

"So, not to sound rude or strange or anything, but I noticed your scent," Leon said.

"I noticed yours too," Joshua admitted.

" _Panthera Leo_."

" _Felis Margarita_."

"Oh really? That's... cute," Leon said, a smile spreading across his face. Joshua grinned.

"Thanks, I know I am. You're..."

"Fat?"

"Well, I was going to say 'impressive' but I suppose 'fat' applies as well. But only in weight, really. I'm sure you're very slender shape-wise."

"That's true. Thank you."

"I only know how to tell the truth, my friend," Joshua said. Leon smiled.

"Even if that's true, I still appreciate it. Just having a normal conversation with someone has been a relief in an otherwise stressful last few weeks," the brunette said.

"Glad I could help. Heart replacements are nothing to sneeze at."

"Yeah..." Leon said, realizing the novelty of having someone who had no idea what his life was like.

"I think... are those the stasis chambers?" Joshua asked, pointing ahead of them at a pair of doors. Behind the windows they could see row after row of large glass cylinders lined up. Only a few were in use, with sleeping bodies connected to tubes floating in the liquid. Next to that, on the other wall was another door with 'quarantine' on a sign above it.

"I guess this is where I see you off," Leon said.

"Yeah, but we'll see each other again eventually. At home."

"Yeah. Nice meeting you," the brunette said, holding his hand out again. Joshua shook it with a smile. Leon smiled as well.

"You too."

The brunette watched Joshua leave him, disappearing behind the quarantine doors. Part of him wanted to follow, curious to know who Joshua’s Charge was. He hoped that they were similar. Two people of semi-reasonable intelligence to talk to? Seemed like an okay deal to Leon. He was happy to add more people to his waning repertoire of social outlets. The best part about new ones was that they didn’t have an already tainted idea of what he was like and he could actually make an alright first impression if he tried.

It had been such a long time since Leon felt like he could be himself that he was unsure if he was still able to, or if his usual self was even anyone pleasant to be around anymore. He had been walking on eggshells around all of his existing friends for what seemed like forever; there was still much healing to do. He could only hope that he didn’t screw himself over before he could use his chance.


	73. Chapter 73

Chapter 73

"How're you feeling today?" Leon asked, setting a tray of vegetables in front of Reno. The redhead looked miserable, but for good reason. Leon had mentioned to the nurses that his friend had been acting strangely and was very active for someone with such a serious injury. He hadn't gone into any more detail than that, but he did express his concern. Unfortunately for Reno, the library of pain medication for Carriers was woefully small. His only other option was to not be on them at all.

"I hurt," the redhead admitted, glancing at his lunch with disinterest.

"I bet you do. Do you remember yesterday?"

"Yeah," Reno said, nodding shallowly. His expression turned from pain to sorrow, and he covered his eyes with his hand. "I hate myself. I'm _so_ sorry. There's no excuse."

"I suppose your persistence should be flattering," Leon said with a tiny shrug.

"I guess it could be. I still feel like a dirtbag though."

"I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't."

"That's fair."

"Rude is supposed to come out of stasis tonight, right? You'll be less lonely then."

"Yeah," Reno said with a long sigh. "But that means we'll be leaving soon and I still don't want to leave you behind."

"I know. But we'll see each other again eventually."

"Eventually is too far away."

"I know. Try not to get too upset, though."

"I'm trying," Reno said with a huff. He stared at his meal for a moment before sluggishly reaching for a carrot. Leon nudged the tray closer to him.

"I think, once you get into a routine with Rude, eventually will happen faster than you can imagine."

"I hope so."

"I know so."

"Do you think you can establish a routine with Cloud and do the same? Even if it's platonic or whatever," Reno asked.

Leon hesitated, glancing across to the other bed where his Charge was still sleeping like a dead rock. The blonde had been cranky and complained about his chest being sore so his nurses pumped him full of things 'to help him relax,' as well as a different painkiller than what he had before. Now that he was quiet and practically comatose, it was easier for Leon to be a bit more civil. But even still, he doubted how much of a normal routine they could establish. If Cloud could get over his bigotry long enough to be somewhat friendly, Leon wouldn't mind considering his Charge as proper company. However, that day was far in the future. Or so the Carrier assumed.

"I don't know. I won't know until he's better and has a chance to be normal again. This isn't exactly the best environment for burgeoning friendships," the brunette said.

"I suppose. He has a lot of stuff to learn, though. You could start now with the education part and force a routine on him."

"That's not a bad idea, actually. It'd also give him something more interesting to do rather than watch a TV he can't understand."

"Sleeping is also a hobby he seems to have picked up."

"Yeah. That's a good time filler, too. I'll talk to the Technicians and see if I can get some learning materials from somewhere. Teaching him how to use a tablet would be good at least."

"Yeah, it would," Reno said. Leon had spoken to him whilst staring at Cloud. The redhead could see a tiny smile pulling at the corners of his friend's lips as he spoke. Reno smiled as well.

"What?" Leon asked as he turned back to Reno and caught the redhead's look.

"You're smiling."

"No I'm not."

"Not right now, but you were just a second ago."

"So? I like the idea of normalcy. I'm allowed to be happy about making a plan for it."

"Of course you are. I'm just happy that you have the ability to smile and be hopeful for something. It makes me feel better," Reno said.

"I'm glad?" Leon guessed, wondering how he should take the statement.

The rest of the morning continued as such. Leon and Reno shared a fair bit of light conversation dispersed between moments where Reno whined about how much pain he was in and apologizing for the day before. The redhead didn't eat much despite Leon trying to get him to. The pain eventually became so incessant that Reno's doctor decided he should be put in a Diagnostic Care Center once he returned to his home. But for the time being, he was sedated.

With nothing else to occupy his time, Leon decided to read. He had requested a tablet be brought in so he could begin teaching things to Cloud when he woke up again, but the blonde was still asleep by the time it got there. So, Leon used it to fill the space. From what he could tell, not much had happened during the time he was gone. There were several incidents of rioting inside Carrier domes where the general human population decided that they were done sharing the same space with the varying facilities, but not much outside of that. Leon didn't care to read too much world news, as the feeds were mostly clogged with politics and rhetoric, but Carrier news was important. He was mostly looking for advances in technology, things that would help him grow a family quicker, but he supposed knowing of violent tendencies were important too.

Partway through the early evening, Leon's peaceful silence was shaken. The monitor that kept track of Cloud's heart rate started to beep. At first, the brunette didn't know what it was, but it didn't take long for him to figure it out. He was on his feet quickly, hurrying over to the screen where his Charge's statistics were displayed. Cloud wasn't dying, but his heart rate was higher that what should be normal. The steady beep that sounded every second and a half sounded like a siren in Leon's paranoid ears.

The Carrier focused his attention on the blonde. Cloud had broken out in a light sweat and his brows were scrunched together in obvious distaste. His breathing was heavy and his knuckles were turning white as he gripped his blanket tightly, arms twitching. Leon frowned. He was sure his Charge was having some sort of nightmare, and he wondered how frequently they happened. The blonde never seemed to get enough sleep, but he didn't get so visibly upset very often.

"Cloud," Leon said gently, nudging the blonde's varying tubes and attachments out of the way so he could sit next to him. He reached up and wiped the sweat off his Charge's brow. After waiting a moment to see if Cloud would wake up, he nudged the blonde some.

"Stop!" Cloud choked behind a startled gasp, his eyes popping open suddenly. He stared ahead of himself blankly, panting lightly, obviously not completely awake yet.

"Hey," Leon said, taking hold of the blonde's shoulders. With quaking hands, his Charge took hold of the brunette's forearms and stared at him with empty disoriented eyes. Leon pushed his brows together sadly, wanting very much to tuck the blonde away in the safe and comforting box where he belonged. Like this, his Charge wasn't so scary.

Cloud didn't try to respond to him. The medication flowing through his veins tried it's best to rectify his sudden condition of being awake; the blonde's eyes drooped and sluggishly squinted as they tried to focus on the image in front of him. Leon's face was splitting in two and distorting, and Cloud subconsciously reached forward to take hold of one of the other's shirt sleeves, trying to anchor himself. Leon scooted closer, which helped. The blonde's breathing started to slow back to normal, but the light didn't come back to his eyes and he continued staring ahead with those of a dead fish.

"Hey," Leon repeated, rubbing Cloud's shoulders. "Calm down. You're safe."

"Safe," the blonde said, the word coming out as more of a breath than actual speech. The Carrier combed his fingers through the other's hair.

"Yeah," he said, petting his Charge gently with a worried frown. Moving closer again, he pulled the blonde too him and hugged him lightly. Cloud let out an audible uncomfortable grunt as the pressure was put on his chest, but he couldn't force himself to react more than that. Alertness was but a distant memory for him, though the brunette's warmth helped his subconscious calm enough on its own. Resting his face against Leon's shoulder, Cloud's heavy eyes drifted closed again after a few moments of stillness. Once he felt the blonde slacken against him, Leon pulled back and let him settle against his pillows again.

The Carrier wondered how often he would have to put up with such conflicting feelings. It was so easy to hate his Charge whenever Cloud had the opportunity to be his normal self, but the innate desire to keep the blonde protected and secure clashed against the negativity in an almost painful fashion. Leon wanted to be able to keep his Charge safe without the threat of ridicule or physical abuse, but he could only do that when Cloud was on the low end of consciousness. He was afraid of the day where Cloud would need him, but the brunette's fear of him would hold him back. It was bound to happen at some point, Leon was sure. He sighed, watching the blonde sleep for a moment. He stayed there for as long as his anxiety would let him, which wasn't very long. Eventually, he retreated back to the sofa, his paranoid mind telling him he had just narrowly escaped his Charge's wrath. Cloud wouldn't have liked him being so close.

 

\--------------

 

A few hours later, and not much had changed. Leon was getting very hungry, though, and he couldn't remember the kitchen staff bringing in any meals since that morning. Finally fed up with his growling stomach, he decided to venture out and fend for himself. He found it ironic, in a dry humorless sort of way, that he had to hunt his own food even if he didn't have to chase it down and kill it himself. After a short while of wandering, he found the kitchen.

The staff members inside weren't very amused to see him, and when he asked where his meals were, they were even less so. After checking over their meal logs, they found the problem. Apparently there had been a mix up where Cloud and Reno's sedation meant that food didn't need to be brought to their room until they were awake again. Sleeping people didn't eat much. Leon just got lost in translation. They surrendered a meal to him, and with food in hand he headed back to his room.

"Hello again," came a somewhat familiar voice from behind him. Leon turned and found Joshua, who had just rounded a corner. The littler Carrier stepped to him and helped himself to a cube of beef off the brunette's plate with a smile. Leon frowned.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to scavenge off creatures that are bigger than you?" he said grumpily.

"Hey," Joshua said nonchalantly, taking another piece. "You're the one who thinks you're fat; I'm just helping you out."

"Yes well, I'm half starved so I'm going to stop sharing now," Leon said, pulling the plate away from the other Carrier.

"Fine fine. If you insist."

"What're you doing out here? Is your Charge alright?" the brunette asked, heading off down the hall again. Joshua walked with him, keeping his pace.

"I got bored waiting around for the Technicians to finish with him. He's still unconscious, anyway."

"Really? For this long? That's concerning."

"I’m not bothered. His Plane's gravity is actually less than ours. It's a small percentage, I forget how many zeros followed the decimal point, but it's enough to have an effect. He'll be alright once he gets conditioned in stasis but he needs to be clean before then. If he stays out for much longer, though, he'll be in trouble. All that pulling the ground does is bound to mess something up."

"How long is 'much longer?'"

"Another day or two. We'll be leaving in the morning."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, I insisted that he was fine and hadn’t been in contact with anything weird. The Technicians, obviously, think my opinion is about as valuable as a booger so they're testing him. I told them to shave him. He uses a lot of hair gel and junk; I'm convinced that's what it is. It's the only truly foreign substance he's ever come in contact with. Eventually they'll have to listen to me. I'm betting on sooner rather than later."

"Ah, I see," Leon said thoughtfully. "Curious question, but did you have any problems adjusting when you went over to find him? Like with the gravity?"

"I was all out of sorts for a month or so. Was really dizzy and spent a good amount of time hallucinating. It eventually cleared up though."

"And you were fine when you came back?"

"More or less. But I do feel... off. It's strange. Not bad, but clearly not one hundred percent, either. It was mostly me feeling tired."

"I see. That's not very fun."

"Eh, it could be worse. I'll get my equilibrium back eventually, but my Charge needs to establish a whole new equilibrium, which is taxing."

"Yeah, I imagine so."

"How is yours doing?"Joshua asked.

"He's okay at the moment. His chest was bothering him but that's to be expected," Leon said with a shrug.

Suddenly, the strong scent of blood and bile collided with his nostrils. He stopped and scrunched his brows together. Joshua did as well and wrinkled his nose. Leon glared at his plate, hoping that the smell wasn't coming from it, but he quickly dismissed the idea. This was far too pungent to have gone unnoticed until that point. Joshua put a hand over his nose, a deep scowl marring his face.

"Wow. That is awful," he muttered.

"Yeah. I wonder where it's coming from," Leon replied.

Much too curious for his own good, Leon continued on to find an answer. Joshua milled around in the hallway hesitantly before he sighed and followed him. Through the halls and around winding corridors they went, the smell becoming more and more unbearable. It eventually morphed from something discernable to a mixture of rotting meat and just about every excrement the human body could produce. His appetite lost, Leon dumped his plate in the trash along the way.

Eventually they happened upon the source. They ended up in an isolated part of the compound, several floors down below the surface. The lights were dim and the halls had a thin layer of dust from disuse. If Leon focused hard enough and the light hit the tiles correctly, he could see a very faint trail that had been left behind by what he assumed was a cart of some sort, or even the wheels of a hospital bed. There were footprints as well. They led to a large operating room that was the brightest space on the floor. The instruments inside were sparse as it was clear that that particular part of the compound wasn't used much. There weren't even any curtains on the windows in the doors. Leon stepped to them, preparing to look inside.

"I feel sick," Joshua said quietly, looking pale.

"You didn't have to follow. You can go back," Leon said.

"How can you stand this?" the littler Carrier asked.

"Stuff like this doesn't really bother me at this point in my life. I can handle the physical traumas life gives," Leon said with a shrug. The smell was starting to churn his stomach as well but if he could see what it was coming from and understand the source, he would feel better. He slowly moved to the doors and peeked in through the windows.

It was Xemnas. Or rather, Xemnas with blood up his arms and almost shoulder deep inside a cadaver that had been peeled open from collar to pelvis. Leon assumed the body belonged to the Carrier he had seen before. It was completely exposed, lying out on an autopsy table, except for a cloth covering its eyes. The entire bottom half of the Carrier's face had been removed and the jaw lay across the neck, dangling by its Link.

Xemnas' expressionless face was the most disturbing part of the whole scenario for Leon. The man tediously cut away at the innards he had exposed and simply scooped them out handful by handful and dropped them into a wide tub that was next to the table on the floor. Most of the blood had been drained from the body, but there was still enough to stain most everything in a smearing of red. It was clear by the smell that the Carrier's natural parts were starting to decompose, and every time Xemnas dropped another handful, it only added to the soupy mess that was cooking. The Technician was completely emotionless as he reached up under the ribcage to dig at the heart and lung tissue, it sent a shiver down Leon's spine.

"Oh... oh... okay... that is something I never needed to see in my life," Joshua said, backing away from the door. He put a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes, willing the sudden wave of nausea to go away. He eventually opened them again and looked around before hobbling down the hall to the nearest trash receptacle. Leon watched him with mild concern.

"I want to know what he's doing," the brunette said, turning his attention back to the Technician in question. Just as he did, Joshua promptly vomited. "You shouldn't have looked."

"Thanks for the advice," he choked out between heaves. It took him several minutes to regain his composure, but the silence that followed didn't last long.

"I can hear you out there, you know," Xemnas called without bothering to look to the door. Leon frowned. "You may as well come in here if you're going to spy on me. I'm not actually hiding anything," he added. Leon hesitated before tentatively pushing the door open.

"Are you insane?" Joshua sputtered from down the hall. The brunette glanced at him briefly.

"Yes," he said and stepped into the room. The temperature was much cooler inside than it had been in the hallway. Goose pimples broke out over his skin and he hugged himself in response. He turned his attention to Xemnas. "If you're not hiding, why are you so isolated from everyone else?"

"I was attempting to spare my employees from the smell," the man said simply, keeping his eyes on his work. He dropped another handful of innards off the table. Upon closer inspection, Leon was happy to see that the Technician was actually wearing gloves that covered the entirety of his arms.

"Oh," the Carrier blanked.

"Most everyone I've met has felt that death smells bad. I don't particularly like it but it doesn't bother me like it bothers them. I'm surprised you’re getting so close."

"So long as I understand the source, I can deal with it. People rot when they die. It’s normal."

"A creature after my own heart. That sort of logical reasoning is rare these days."

"Thank you?"

"You're welcome," Xemnas said politely, standing straight again and rolling his shoulders. Having been stooped over his work for the last while, his upper half was becoming stiff with tension.

"What're you doing?" Leon asked.

"Emptying him."

"Yes, but for what purpose?"

"So I can begin separating his Link from his spinal column," Xemnas said. He glanced at the door as Joshua meekly poked his head inside.

"Is this a standard thing or is this because you want to clone him?" Leon asked.

"Because I want to clone him. Normally when we receive the bodies of Carriers that have passed, they're dumped into an acid bath so their soft tissues dissolve away. That causes a lot of damage to the Link and everything else but it doesn't matter because they’re not going to come back. The skeleton and solid matter left over is sent through a pulverizer that turns it to dust, and the dust is sent through a centrifuge that separates the inorganic material, carbon fibers, and what have you, from the organic material. The inorganic material is recycled and the organic matter is sent off to be added to fertilizers and into clean soil production," Xemnas explained.

"I see."

"This one isn't meeting that fate because if I want to preserve his mind, I need his Link. So it has to be removed, which is a tedious process."

"But what about his human brain? Isn't it too late to preserve it? I would think it's half decomposed by now."

"Indeed it is. Luckily for us the Link makes up a good percentage of a Carrier's brain tissue; mostly on the left side. Emotions and human tendencies can be taught again but the knowledge the Carrier side holds doesn't disappear unless we destroy it because it doesn't decay like normal tissue does. With that in mind, I challenge you to find a Carrier with a poor memory."

"That's... odd."

"Why do you think the regular human populace is so afraid of Carriers? Because you're strange creatures that are hard to comprehend. People are afraid of things they can't understand at a glance, and the fact that Carriers can understand most things quite easily scares them even more. But, if we ever want to get anything done around here we need smart equipment."

"Equipment?"

"Yes. That is what you are," Xemnas said with a nonchalant shrug. Leon frowned. "Don't look so upset. You know it's the truth."

"I wasn't aware that equipment dies and rots like a regular person."

"The funny thing about that is that you don't die and rot like a regular person. So your point is invalid," Xemnas said. He stretched his arms forward to clear the remaining tension before returning to his work. He rested his elbows on the sides of the cadaver's ribcage and started cutting again with a bored expression.

"It bothers me that you can be so casual about this. I thought you knew him personally," Leon remarked.

"I did. But this isn't him; he was alive last I saw him. This is just an object that looks like him," the man said flatly.

"That doesn't make any sense. What you're doing doesn't bother you?"

"Not at all. Death is an inevitability for everything; even machinery. I'm old enough to understand that, and one day, you might be too. When you have all of your loved ones taken from you, over time, you don't really think of death as a bad thing. It's just a momentary disturbance before you can see them again," Xemnas said, dropping another handful off the side of the table.

"You seemed upset when I saw you last. I don't believe that this hasn't affected you."

"Well when you've known someone for hundreds of years, you don't ever really expect them to die. So when they do without warning, it's shocking. I was upset mostly because I blame his Charge's incompetence. But now I have the opportunity to start an experiment I've been curious about for a long while. So it works out in the end."

"I see."

"I'm glad you're concerned about my feelings. It's touching."

"I'm not. I'm just trying to figure out if you're actually human or if you're just a soulless alien. I'm leaning more towards the latter."

"Ah. I can believe that. I don't expect you to understand me, though. You're not nearly old enough for that. Believe me, when you lose everything you care about and have to rebuild a new life for yourself, you start to care less about the inevitabilities in life and more about what you can strive to achieve the next day," Xemnas said, pushing a large mass of intestines up and out of the body's cavity. The ropey red tangle rolled down the side of the cadaver and unraveled slowly until it flopped more or less into the tub on the floor. Leon scowled as he watched the remains creep down as Xemnas slowly cut away at the connective tissue keeping it tethered to the body. It eventually broke free and the weight from the initial mass pulled it like an old length of elastic until it gathered into a clump in the tub. Joshua fled from his spot by the door back to the trash can.

"I don't plan on losing everything I care about, so I will never understand you," Leon said earnestly.

"Unless you plan on dying in the next few years, you will. I promise. Everyone does."

"Not me."

"Your naïveté is cute," Xemnas said, an amused smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. From the hall, he could hear echoes of Joshua retching. "Your friend seems to be having a problem."

"He isn't used to such a show, I guess."

"And you are? My my, what does that say about you?" the man asked, his eyebrows raised. Leon shrugged.

"Probably too much. It bothers me that I'm not more disturbed by you digging around inside a deceased comrade. But it does bother me that you don't seem to care."

"If I didn't care I wouldn't be working to preserve his knowledge. Don't get me wrong; I'm not happy he's dead. But I am happy that I have an opportunity to make huge advances in the field of mental cloning. Could you imagine what benefits would become of this if I'm successful? I can start with Carriers, but if this goes well, I could begin working on humans eventually. I could find a cure for Dementia, or at least a treatment. The possibilities are endless."

"Why couldn't you have done this sooner, then? Why did you wait for this Carrier to die?"

"I told you before that the knowledge he had was part of the reason the Carrier projects are what they are today. His work is very well documented and if I can clone him, and he can pick up where he left off without assistance, it'd be definitive proof that my methods work. There aren't many Carriers that have as much innovation to their name as this one does. With a random Carrier, even if the process is a success, there isn't enough documentation to prove what they did and didn't know without a biased opinion being present. Someone that knew them would have to be present to vouch for their knowledge, and that is a tainted source. This one's knowledge is the foundation for many aspects of the Carrier process, so everyone would be able to vouch for the clone's handiwork."

"I see," Leon said.

"I've thought this through."

"Apparently," the brunette agreed. The door opened again behind him and he turned to see Joshua's eyes peeking inside again. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"Not really. Can we go?" Joshua croaked.

"You can if you want."

"I would like you both to leave, honestly. You're a distraction," Xemnas piped. Leon glanced back at him briefly.

"Alright, but I have one last question."

"Sure."

"If all you need is his Link, why do you need to empty him? Couldn't you just cut into his back?"

"The Link wraps around the spinal column like a rope in all directions. I need the entirety of the spine to be exposed in order to remove it effectively," the man said.

"Ah. Okay."

"Did you think I enjoyed this?"

"Sort of."

"Well, maybe I do. A little," the Technician said lowly. Leon stared at him strangely.

"Leon," Joshua urged, the anxiety in his voice becoming apparent.

"Right," Leon said hesitantly, keeping a suspicious eye on Xemnas. "You have fun, then," he added, slowly backing away.

"Will do," the man agreed, keeping his eyes on his work.

 

\-----

 

To Leon, the idea of having some sort of progress changing innovation to his name was an interesting one. He spent a good while contemplating what would happen if he could discover a new something-or-other that would make his existence seem more significant than that of other Carriers. Would his mind be cloned if he died suddenly? Would the future of his family be more secure than it normally would be? So many questions were going unanswered, but he couldn’t help but consider the possibilities regardless. All of it was too appealing to ignore.

After he said his goodbyes to a shaken Joshua, they parted ways and he eventually found himself back in his room. There was a glaring difference though. Something very loud, needy, and red was missing. Reno’s bed was still where he had left it, but Reno himself was gone. Leon scrunched his brows together and stuck his head back out into the hallway and looked around for anyone who might be able to tell him where his friend had disappeared to. He noticed that the lights in a room a few doors down from him were on. He went to inspect.

Reno’s colors had disappeared, he was awake, and he was sitting on the edge of another hospital bed speaking quietly with a somewhat disoriented Rude. The bald Charge seemed to be alright, but was obviously very tired. He had survived his first round of stasis and was set for the next twenty years. Given the context of their discussion, Leon assumed Reno hadn’t been there very long.

“You look like you’re going to pass out,” Rude muttered, taking in Reno’s pale pallor and the light sweat that coated his brow. The Carrier laughed a bit and hugged his busted arm to himself.

“I don’t feel so great, yeah. I’ll be okay, though. Once we’re home I’ll see about getting some pain medication. They don’t have any for me here,” the not-so-redhead lied.

“You should go back to bed.”

“I will. I just wanted to see you and make sure you’re alright.”

“And I _am_ alright. You aren’t. Go to bed.”

“But…I’ve only been here for twenty seconds.”

“I know, but you should see yourself. I’m concerned,” Rude said quietly.

“Reno,” Leon interjected. His friend startled and quickly turned to see him. Before Reno could say anything, the brunette spoke up. “You need to get back into bed.”

“I know,” the other Carrier said. He hesitated with a deep sigh. “I just wanted to be around someone I actually liked. You weren’t there when I woke up.”

“Sorry. I went exploring,” Leon said.

“I can imagine you were bored. It’s understandable. I’m not angry or anything, just…”

“Felt like you were abandoned for a minute?”

“No. Just lonely,” Reno said. Leon frowned. The not-so-redhead blurted out an abrupt laugh and smacked his palm against his forehead. “Wow, that was really sad. I’m sorry. I’m… I don’t feel so great. It’s making me pathetic.”

“I didn’t think so. You’re allowed to feel things,” the brunette said flatly.

“You need to get back to bed,” Rude interrupted, heaving a sigh.

“Yeah, okay,” Reno said. He gave Rude a disparaging look. “See you in the morning. We’re going home tomorrow, so you can look forward to meeting my crazy family.”

“Oh. Fun,” Rude clipped. Reno laughed and scooted off the bed gently.

“Nobody would blame you if you slept through the entire experience. Because you might. It’s weird that you’re able to stay awake. Usually when people come out of stasis, they take a two or three day nap.”

“I feel like I could. I’d like to try, please.”

“Ah, right,” Reno agreed. “Sorry.”

“Come on,” Leon urged, stepping into the room properly and approaching his friend. He could tell Reno was attempting to stall, but it was clear to him that Rude had had enough but was too polite to say anything. Leon gently slid an arm around Reno’s waist and started pulling him away. The other Carrier leaned most of his weight on him and hobbled along towards the door. Reno kept his eyes on his Charge for as long as he could, but it didn’t take long for them to step out into the hall and ruin his view.

“This sucks,” Reno grumped.

“Which part?” Leon asked.

“The part where I can’t see Rude.”

“He’s fine. You can see him in the morning.”

“You don’t understand. His stint in stasis is the longest I’ve been without him in… years. I didn’t think I had it _that_ bad for him, but fuck me was I wrong. God,” Reno said, shaking his head. “I feel so pathetic.”

“It is a little bit,” Leon said.

“Oh, _thanks_. You really know how to cheer a guy up.”

“I never said I was trying to do that. But I really can’t argue the situation. I also have no idea what you want me to say.”

“Tell me I’m normal,” Reno muttered.

“You are normal. You’re allowed to be head over heels for him; you just can’t let your life grind to a halt if he’s temporarily away from you, is all. That’s the weird part. If he was legitimately hurt or in trouble somewhere and away from you, then it would be more understandable, but he isn’t. He’s fine. You will be too,” Leon said as they rounded the corner and back into their room. He helped Reno scoot into his own bed. The not-so-redhead huffed a grumpy sigh.

“It was surprising how much it hurt to not have him around for a week. When I realized that’s what was really dragging my mood down, it made waiting for him stretch on forever. It… just…” Reno trailed, and he stopped himself. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nose, trying to force his feelings down his throat and back to the pit of his stomach where they belonged. “Not having anything to dull my shoulder isn’t helping. I feel really vulnerable and paranoid that I’m going to do something to make it worse. It’s fucking with my head.”

“You can go back on the painkillers, you know.”

“No. I want you to be able to nap with me and not feel like I’m going to get stupid.”

“I’m not even sure I can force anymore sleep out of myself today. You may as well go back on them so you can rest peacefully and stop freaking out.”

“…I really am freaking out, aren’t I?” Reno questioned, making a thoughtful face. Leon nodded in agreement several times. “Sorry,” the not-so-redhead said, rubbing his eye tiredly with the palm of his hand.

“I wasn’t prepared to be assaulted with so many touchy-feely-things when I came back. Sorry if I’m not very supportive. You’ve whined at me before but this feels much more genuine than anything you’ve let me see in the past.”

Reno smiled dryly. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing. I just want you to feel better. Eating something, getting some sleep, and maybe getting some painkillers will help substantially. You might feel more normal afterward.”

“Probably. No… definitely. I know it will. I’m just going to lay down for now, though,” the other Carrier said, shuffling backwards onto his mattress fully. Leon helped him get under the covers and situate his pillows around until he could lie back comfortably.

“I do have a question for you, though. Where did your colors go?” the brunette asked curiously.

“The nurses zapped me awake when Rude came out of his tube. It wasn’t the best way to wake up, I’ll admit.”

“Ah, I see. I should’ve guessed as much.”

“Did you see anything fun on your adventure through the Compound?”

“Well… not necessarily _fun_ per se, but interesting yes. It’s a long story though. I’ll tell you when you’re not half dead.”

“Okay,” Reno agreed, pulling his blanket up to his chin. “Sorry again for being such a weenie. Thanks for taking care of me.”

“I didn’t really do anything special.”

“You made me do what was right for me. That’s close enough.”

“Maybe. I will say something, though.”

“What’s that?”

“If you ever say ‘weenie’ to me again, I think I might actually rip your tongue out,” Leon said flatly. Reno snorted and laughed.

“But isn’t it every gay man’s dream to swim in a pool full of weenies? You need to get comfortable with this lingo, otherwise you won’t get anywhere with Cloud,” Reno said, a grin spreading across his face.

“I _will_ kill you,” Leon said.

“But you need to convert him and build a giant phallic monument in honor of his tremendous dong. Then you can turn it into a fountain, dig a swimming pool around it, and then fill it with littler weenies. Or, if you want to argue semantics we can call them _wieners_ , I guess,” Reno explained casually. Leon stared at him, eyebrows raised. “It’s in the _Flaming Homosexual Handbook_ , dude. Look it up. This is basic shit.”

Leon couldn’t hold it in anymore and he let out a choked laugh. “That is horrendous.”

“I don’t think so. I would probably put a giant marble penis in my house just because it’s funny. A fountain would be better.”

“Okay, but my twisted mind went the other direction. I had the penis monument pictured, I had the fountain pictured, but a pool full of littler ‘weenies’ was basically a pool full of severed penises and that was just awful.”

“Well, I mean, that’s a ceremonial thing where we cull the inferior gays from the superior ones. The initiation rite says that, after they pass the preliminary queer trials, the superior ones need to do thirty laps in the amputated penis pool in order to be accepted by the herd.”

“Wow. _Wow_. I’m done,” Leon said, laughing in spite of himself. “I can’t do this anymore. You’re creeping me out.”

“ _Flaming Homosexual Handbook._ Look it up. If you don’t follow it, you can never be flaming. You’ll forever be a lightly burnt gay. And that’s just sad.”

“You know what? ‘Lightly burnt’ is okay to me. I don’t prefer to be on fire anyway.”

“But if you don’t try, you can never have a chance to be the Grand Master Magma Gay. I know those alpha instincts of yours are buried somewhere in your colon; in your heart of hearts. You’ll never be able to resist the temptation of being the top of the gay totem pole,” Reno said matter-of-factly.

“Which begs an important question: if one is to be the top of the pole, does that mean the pole is shoved up your ass so you don’t fall off? Or is it a constant balancing act? Either way seems very uncomfortable,” Leon said thoughtfully.

“It’s whatever you’re into, I suppose. I won’t judge you one way or the other.”

“Aw, thanks,” the brunette said sweetly. A brief silence passed between them and after barely a moment, Leon laughed again. “Are you sure they took you off the painkillers?” he asked.

“Most definitely,” Reno said.

“I’m not convinced.”

“That’s okay. I accept that I’m weird in the head regardless of whether or not outside substances are involved.”

“True enough. Did you need anything else, though? I think I’m going to run myself a bath,” Leon said. Ever since he had left Xemnas’ company, he felt like the smell of rot and death was stuck to him. No one else had noticed anything, so he was sure it wasn’t actually there, but he still felt like he needed to soak the gross feeling from his skin.

“Nah, I’m okay. Thanks again.”

“No problem.”


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter 74

“This is a fancy floor tile,” Cloud said, staring at the tablet Leon had set in his hands. His Carrier raised his brows and a smile slowly spread across his face. He quickly covered his mouth before laughing a little under his breath.

“I’m sorry. That was cute,” he said, his words muffled by his palm. Cloud frowned and held the glossy black square out for Leon to take from him. The brunette shook his head.

“I don’t want it,” the blonde insisted.

“But it’s yours. Well, for now it is. Yours is technically at home; we’re borrowing this one,” Leon explained. His Charge gave the tablet a gentle shake, urging him to take it from him anyway. “You hang on to it.”

“I don’t want to. Not if it makes you call me names I don’t want to be called.”

“Alright fine. I’m sorry. I expected you to be confused about it but you caught me off guard anyway. I won’t do it again.”

“Better not. If you’re going to call me things, at least make it insulting so I can be angry about it and not… awkward,” the blonde grumbled.

“Will do, asshole,” the brunette said, scooting his chair closer to the side of Cloud’s bed. The blonde furrowed his brows together and glared at him. Leon ignored him and leaned in so he could see they could see the front of the tablet together.

“If this thing isn’t a floor tile, what is it?”

“There are two pieces of equipment that you will _always_ need as a Charge. One is a watch, which we’ll go over once we’re home, and the other is this thing. This is a tablet. It is a very versatile tool that can show and teach you just about anything you can think of. It’s also important for record keeping and data gathering. For now, and for the foreseeable future, we’ll be using this as a way of getting you educated.”

“Okay.”

“This will be much easier and more efficient instead of making me come up with lesson plans and writing them all out by hand. Our bosses have a specific regimen for us to follow.”

“Goody.”

“Don’t sound so excited.”

“I’m not.”

“But you actually should be. Education is a good thing.”

“I know. But all I can remember is feeling like a huge idiot the entire time we were trying to do this back in the village,” the blonde sighed.

“We’ve had this discussion before, Cloud. You’re not stupid.”

“You say that but I have a really hard time believing that’s what you actually think.”

“I don’t know what to say that would make you believe otherwise.”

“I don’t know either.”

“Well, until one of us figures it out, just know that you’re the only one that thinks you’re stupid.”

"Yeah, fine," Cloud sighed.

"Leon," Reno suddenly called from the doorway. The redhead was still on the wrong end of the pain spectrum but he was up and dressed nonetheless. He had been going through his and Rude's luggage to see if anything was missing. They didn't have much to begin with, but as far as Reno could tell, everything was still there. Now it was time to say his goodbyes.

"I'll be right back," Leon said to Cloud before standing from his seat.

"Well, this is it," the redhead said as his friend approched him, clearly upset with the inevitable situation. Similarly, Leon frowned as well.

"Yeah," the brunette said.

"I'll try to call you when I get home. I don't know if I can while you're here but I'll still try."

"Okay. If not, I'll call you in a couple months when we get home."

"Okay," Reno said, taking a deep breath. He gave Leon a weak smile. "I'll miss you a lot."

"I'll miss you too," Leon said with a tiny nod.

"Try not to get mixed up with whatever Xemnas is trying to do. I know you think it's interesting but I don't think he's in his right mind."

"That all depends on if he keeps doing things that draw my attention to him. I didn't think I'd find him wallowing in entrails when I found him yesterday."

"Yeah, well, I'm not going to encourage you but if you get a good story out of it I need to hear it."

"Sure," Leon agreed, a scant smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

They shared a tense silence for what seemed like forever. Neither of them could think of much more to say to one another. Leon kept trying to tell himself that they would meet again eventually and that their friendship wouldn't diminish because of the distance. After all, they had spent several years apart when Reno left to find Rude. They had done this before and things turned out fine. But for whatever reason, now that they were home and continuing on with their rightful lives, it felt so much more finite. Now that Leon was meeting the goodbyes face-to-face, he found it hard to breathe. Gently, he leaned forward and pulled his friend into a hug. Reno readily clung to him, squeezing Leon around the chest as much as he could stand.

"You're going to hurt your shoulder," Leon murmured.

"Don't care," Reno said curtly.

Leon's eyes started to burn against his will. He buried his abrupt tears in Reno's good shoulder, determined to will them away. He felt like a part of him was leaving, and he was surprised to realize it. When he and Zell parted ways, there was a strong feeling of loss that had crept up his spine, but it hadn't been nearly as painful as saying goodbye to Reno. Leon was effectively letting go of what amounted to his entire family, or so it felt.

"I'm sorry," Leon said, pulling back with tears dripping down his face. He quickly wiped them away, but they didn't stop.

"Stop it, jackass," Reno said, scrunching his brows together as mutual tears practically gushed out of his eyes as if they had been restrained by a dam beforehand. "Damn it," he said, wiping at his own face. "I was holding it together but then you just had to get me started."

"Sorry," the brunette muttered.

"Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I feel like I should."

"But why?"

"I... don't know," Leon admitted with a tiny shrug. "I just do."

"Well until you give me a reason, I'm not going to accept it," Reno said, pulling up the bottom hem of his shirt to wipe his eyes. He sniffled loudly.

"I guess... I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass."

"I haven't been angry at you for that in roughly twenty years. I've been everything else, but not angry."

"I see. Then I suppose I should thank you for dealing with me and not dropping me even though you had every right and opportunity to," Leon said, sniffling as well.

"Even if I could, I wouldn't change the last twenty - four years for anything. Well... that's a lie. I'd change a lot, but as far as you and I go? We're good. You have to believe me when I say that. And I hope that we can keep it that way for a stupidly long time," Reno said as he did his best to give Leon a sincere, albeit watery, smile.

"Yeah I think we can do that," the brunette agreed, trying to return the smile but with less success.

"Good," the redhead said. He quickly squashed himself against his friend for another brief hug before he stepped back and heaved a heavy breath. "Okay. I need to get one last checkup and they have to load Rude into the van. I'm not going to be able to see you again before we leave, so I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

"Yeah. Good luck," Leon said, hugging himself as he leaned against the doorframe.

"You too," Reno said, slowly backing away. With a wave, he turned and headed down the hallway. He looked back several times and waved again before he eventually disappeared around the corner.

Leon stood in the doorway for several minutes, staring at the floor. He took a deep breath to calm himself and wiped his face dry. Once he felt he was presentable again, he turned back into the recovery room, fully expecting to go back to helping Cloud figure out his tablet. However, once he saw his Charge, he stopped and his heart rate turned panicky. He was suddenly acutely aware of how alone he was and how he didn't have a redheaded comfort zone to run to when he needed it. Phone calls were all well and good, but having an actual person around that could help him was something that Leon realized he was taking for granted.

Understanding this, he mentally berated himself for his weakness. He had spent a long time trying to convince himself that he shouldn't make temporary friends he would have to say goodbye to. Reno was still technically around, but not nearly in the capacity that Leon depended on. To be so attached to such a relationship spoke volumes of his mental flaws and further drove home the vision Leon had of himself. He was weak. Pathetic. He was even more worthless now that he didn't have anyone that could tell him otherwise; Cloud most certainly wouldn't dispute such an argument.

Those feelings were compounded by the overwhelming feeling of dread and fear Leon felt now that he was alone with his Charge. Cloud wasn't even doing anything remotely threatening and Leon felt like he should run as fast as he could in the opposite direction. But he couldn't. Not yet anyway. He had a job to do and a family to grow. A real family; not one he would have to say goodbye to.

"I'm not sure what I did. I may have broken it," Cloud said with obvious confusion in his voice. Leon slowly shuffled back to his seat and pulled it a few inches away from the bed to sit. His hands shook.

"Let me see," Leon said,  keeping his eyes glued to the mattress. He couldn't bring himself to meet his Charge's eyes. Cloud handed off the tablet to him. Leon took a brief glance at it and handed it back. "You turned it on.  Must've hit the button on the side. It's not broken," he said.

"Ah, okay," the blonde said.  Cloud set the device on his lap and kept his focus on Leon. They held an awkward silence between them as Cloud waited for Leon to do something. He didn't. His Carrier looked to be on the verge of shattering into a million pieces, and Cloud wasn't sure what he wanted to do in order to handle the situation. From the sappiness and their tones when they spoke, it was clear to him that Reno and Leon had parted ways. He didn't have to understand the words in order to recognize goodbyes. They were familiar territory.

"Sorry," Leon mumbled, wiping at his eyes again.

"Whatever. At least you can see him again. You could've killed him instead and made this permanent," the blonde said nonchalantly. Leon furrowed his brows together and sent his Charge a half hearted glare from the corner of his eye.

"True. I could just murder everyone I love and have a legitimate excuse to be upset," Leon said.

"Right," Cloud agreed. "And since you didn't murder anyone, you can be happy. So stop moping."

"Fuck you," Leon spat. He turned in his seat to look at his Charge properly, his immediate anger overriding his anxiety momentarily. "I'm allowed to be upset about saying goodbye. Just because you used death to end all contact with the people you cared about, doesn't mean that's what's normal and what everyone else should do."

"I'm aware of that. But things could be worse."

"Of course they could be, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less."

"Then you need to grow a pair, because if saying 'see you later' hurts just as much as 'goodbye forever' then I'd hate to be around you when people you care about actually die."

"What the hell is your problem? You have no right to dictate--" Leon attempted, but he words were cut off abruptly when Cloud lashed out and grabbed a fistful of his t-shirt. The blonde yanked him close and leaned in so their faces were hardly two inches apart. Panic immediately parked itself in Leon's throat and stopped his breathing. All he could see were angry startlingly blue eyes. He reflexively grabbed hold of Cloud's forearm with weak fingers.

"I do have a fucking right to dictate what you should do. Know why? Because you don't have your own room to hide away in for weeks at a time anymore. I'm not going to tolerate you moping around in here like a dickless pussy because you don't get to sleep next to your fuck buddy anymore. Get over it. He isn't dead. You get to see him again eventually," Cloud spat, his tone low and rumbling. "It's fucking insulting seeing people's world's come crashing down when they have a mild incovenience. I literally have _nothing_. You have _everything_. If you want to be selfish and act like the world is coming to an end, do it away from me," he added. He shoved Leon back into his seat with as much strength as he could muster before sitting back against his pillows again. The brunette stared at him, the color drained from his face.

"I'm... sorry..." he said breathlessly. He held a hand to his chest and tried his hardest to squelch the terror that rattled his core. Cloud watched him with sharp eyes and furrowed brows.

"You're fucking pathetic," he muttered.

"I know," Leon said quietly.

"You're really going to let a guy in a hospital bed knock you around?"

"I..."

"That's absolutely sad," Cloud said, shaking his head. "Get away from me."

"Right," Leon said, his expression turning ashamed. Stiffly, he stood from his seat and meandered into the bathroom; the closest place he could be by himself.

 _I can't do this,_ he though as he stepped to the shower, turning on the water full blast. He then sat on the floor and leaned back against the side of the bathtub, his limbs still trembling. Watching the minute dust particles flutter through the air under the shine of the overhead light, Leon took stock of his feelings and broken thought processes as he waited for his heart to calm down.

After a few minutes, he came to the conclusion that he agreed with Cloud. Acting like the world was ending because he had to start a long distance friendship versus having one with him all the time, was insulting to outside parties that didn't have such luxuries. Cloud had nothing. Leon, by comparison, had everything. He had forgotten for a moment how much his Charge was hurting because he was so utterly alone. Leon couldn't imagine the weight Cloud carried for his sins. The blonde had made a valid point; at least Leon hadn't killed Reno and could still see him.

The brunette sighed, grief and anxiety still pulling at his face, making it feel like he had suddenly aged eighty human years. He wasn't sure how he was going to cope with the animosity he shared with his Charge. Once again, Cloud was right. Leon didn't have his own bedroom to hide in for weeks at a time until he couldn't feel anything anymore. The brunette didn't think that his lack of adaptation skills should be Cloud's problem, either, so he needed a way to deal with himself quickly and without broadcasting it to his Charge. Try as he might, though, Leon couldn't think of a method that would work.

The Carrier ended up sitting on the bathroom for almost an hour by himself, contemplating his attitude and what he could do to change himself so he wouldn't provoke his Charge. He finally came up with a way to find the solution; he would just ask. With that small revelation, Leon slowly picked himself up off the floor and turned off the water. He stepped out into the main room again and sat in his seat. He kept his eyes focused on the side of Cloud's bed.

"I thought you drowned, but you're not even damp. Did you just sit in there and cry?" Cloud asked snidely.

"Didn't cry. Just sat," Leon said.

"That's weird."

"Just wanted to think about stuff. The water noise helped."

"Still weird."

"Probably," Leon agreed. He cast a brief glance at the blonde before looking away again. "Listen, I'm sorry I flaunted my stable relationships in front of you. I didn't think how it would sound to someone who didn't have any."

"Okay," Cloud sad flatly, folding his hands in his lap. His Carrier was acting strangely.

"I don't want you to be constantly angry at me or feel like I'm trying to slight you in some way every time I do something. So... what can I do to avoid that? Tell me what needs to change."

"Fuck if I know; don't you think that's your problem?"

"It is. But wouldn't you prefer if we didn't spend the rest of our lives angry at each other?"

"I don't care if you get angry at me or not. Your opinion doesn't matter so long as I get the things that were promised to me."

"Right..." Leon sighed.

"What I do care about is the constant moping. It's annoying. I don't care what you do, but just don't do it around me."

"Yeah... okay."

"Glad we could have an understanding."

They shared an awkward silence for several minutes. Neither of them could think of a good way to continue on normally. Leon was afraid to say anything for fear of making his Charge angry. Cloud just wasn't sure he should be asking for. A tablet that could show him anything he wanted was all well and good but he couldn't conceptualize how it functioned. He couldn't even begin to think of what to ask. Aside from that, though, he was getting increasingly frustrated with Leon's unstable mood swings. The Carrier had been fine before and Cloud didn't think their tiny spat should've been enough to send the brunette into a bout of depression. He couldn't decide if he was ignorant of something about himself or if Leon really was that pitiful. He supposed he could be more threatening than he thought he was and he was underestimating how damaging their argument had been, but the intimidation seemed to be limited only to Leon. No one else seemed to be afraid of him.

"Knock knock," came a familiar feminine voice from the doorway followed by a gentle knocking on the doorframe. They both turned their attentions to the source and noticed Tifa and Zack meandering into the room. Leon raised a brow.

"I haven't seen either of you in days. Thought to you had vaporized into the aether," the brunette said. Zack helped himself to the sofa and flopped on it heavily.

"I haven't been feeling the best. My delicate sensibilities were damaged with interdimensional travel," the man said tiredly.

"We're actually here to say goodbye," Tifa said.

"Ah, I was wondering when that time would come," Leon said.

“It’s too soon, really. I wish we could stay. Working sucks,” Zack said with a tiny smile.

“I’d love to be working,” Leon mumbled.

Tifa took it upon herself to sit on the edge of Cloud’s bed, forcing Leon to take his chair to sit by Zack. She pulled her waist length hair over her shoulder and combed her fingers through it, giving Cloud a wide smile. The blonde raised a brow at her, eyes surprised. The woman hadn’t paid much attention to him before, so he wondered why she was suddenly so close and seemingly personable. He leaned and glanced over her shoulder at Zack, but the other man was talking to Leon. Confused, Cloud didn’t say anything and watched her carefully; he felt like he was being tricked.

Once Tifa had Cloud distracted, Zack leaned in close to speak to Leon. “Are you going to be alright here by yourself?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Suddenly anxious, Leon’s skin broke out in goose pimples. “Why do you ask?” he questioned, wondering what hints he gave away to lead to such an inquiry.

“Because it’s obvious you and Cloud aren’t the best of friends. We’re just worried. Don’t want you to be miserable the whole time you’re here, you know?”

“I’ll… be fine. Thanks,” Leon hesitated. It hadn’t occurred to him that Tifa and Zack thought about him very often. He had assumed Tifa had been angry at him for not opening up to her and was prepared not to see either of them for a while. Realizing he had been wrong, he didn’t know what else to say. Guilt trickled down his spine.

"You're sure?"

"Y-yeah..."

"You don't sound very confident."

"I just... don't like him very much. That's all. I just need to get over it," Leon lied. Zack scowled.

"I feel there's more to that story but I doubt you'd tell me if there was."

"Cloud is an asshole. It isn't a secret."

"Yeah I know. I still feel like there is more than that though."

"Well, there isn't. So don't worry," Leon lied again. He wrung his hands nervously.

"If you say so," Zack sighed.

"I do say so."

"Fine," the man said with a tiny frown.

"Don't be like Tifa, please."

"She has legitimate reasons to be concerned, and so do I. It's fine if you want privacy but if something bigger comes from whatever you didn't let us know about, then I wouldn't expect us to drop everything to help you."

"I never expected you to in the first place. Don't assume that I did."

"I won't. Not anymore."

"Good. Glad we got that out of the way," Leon said curtly, folding his arms over his chest. The conversation irked him. In some ways he felt bad for disregarding Tifa and Zack's friendship, but now he could see that he had good reason to. Just because he didn't want to reopen every mental wound he had to bleed his thoughts at their feet, that meant he wasn't allowed to go to them for help if he needed it? That didn't sound like any friendship he wanted. It was awfully conditional, and didn't really give him the impression that he would get much from it.

Zack sighed, taking in Leon's tone. "Don't be like that."

"Don't be like what? Disappointed that I didn't follow your rules and therefore am exempt from any support if I decided I needed it? Sorry I didn't feel like vomiting all my issues on your shoes, but I'd rather not be blackmailed into doing something I'm not comfortable with."

"Blackmailed?"

"Yeah. You're basically holding a possible support network hostage because I don't want to talk as much as you would like. So whatever. I don't need it. I'll do without."

"That's not what I meant," Zack said, furrowing his brows together sadly.

"Well that's what you said and that's how Tifa acts. I didn't tell her anything either and she ignored us for a week. How else am I supposed to interpret that?"

"I didn't see you coming around either, you know."

"And why should I? To be interrogated? Guilted? No thanks."

"No, to visit. Friendship is a two - way street, Leon. We always have to find you; very rarely have you come to find us."

"It feels like every conversation I have with you two - Tifa especially - it turns into one where I get blamed for not talking enough and someone's feelings get hurt because I'm too selfish with my private affairs. Why would I openly seek that sort of company?"

Zack sighed again and ran a hand over his face tiredly. "Alright fine. You win. We'll leave you alone. Is that what you would prefer?"

"I would prefer conversations that don't constantly remind me of my flaws. If you don't feel you can have one of those, then leaving me alone would be the best option I can get, I suppose," Leon said.

"Fine. You come to us when you care to have company. We're not going to chase you anymore."

"That's fine. Have a safe trip home. See you in a few months," Leon clipped, severing the conversation.

Zack looked like he had so much more to say, but kept his mouth shut. He simply nodded and pushed himself up from the sofa. Stepping to Tifa, he put a hand on her shoulder, signaling that it was time to get going. The woman didn't say anything to Leon, but bid polite goodbyes to Cloud as she stood. The pair left together quietly, leaving Leon and his Charge alone together again. The blonde raised a brow at his Carrier as Leon stayed in his seat by the sofa and sulked. The brunette wasn't outwardly emotional, but his silent blank stare at the ground spoke volumes anyway.

"That was weird," Cloud said confusedly.

"What was?" Leon asked flatly.

"Tifa was interested in how I was feeling. She's barely paid attention to me before."

"She was keeping you busy so Zack could interrogate me."

"Interrogate you? About what?"

"Why I'm a terrible friend."

"Is it because you cry every twenty minutes?"

"Fuck you."

"I'm serious. No one wants a friend that's constantly being shitty. Moping around isn't a fun time. I would think you're a terrible friend too."

"You're not helping."

"Wasn't trying to."

"Right, because why would you ever do that? It's not like you'd care to be a decent human being every now and again," Leon said angrily, pulling his feet up on the seat of his chair. He hugged his legs to his chest and rested his cheek against his knees.

"Hey, I'm plenty decent. I'm just really tired of your mopy bullshit, is all. It isn't very likeable."

"Have you ever considered that you being an asshole constantly had something to do with it?"

"No. You've never not been mopy around me. I'm sure you were like this long before I was around."

"What makes you so certain?"

"Because that much sadness doesn't appear overnight. I've never seen you be any other way; so I can only believe it's just how you are."

Leon didn’t know what else to say. Cloud had brought up another very valid point. There were very few times in his life where Leon felt genuinely happy. The times that he didn’t feel down were more like times of mild contentment versus legitimate happiness. Watching Cloud grow up had been a span of time where he couldn’t say he had felt one way or the other, but once Reno left the village to find Rude and Cloud joined the military, there hadn’t been many good times. His brief time with Zell was one tiny light in a perpetual tunnel of darkness he felt he had been trudging through for most of his life.

But was that his problem? Was it his fault? Or was it from outside circumstances? Was it Cloud’s fault? His Charge certainly didn’t help his situation, but the blonde had been right; Leon was sad long before Cloud even knew he existed. Leon had no one else to blame for his issues but himself, and it was a realization that further drove him into a mental pit that he was sure he would never be able to crawl out of. Despite that, he knew he had a job to do. He could teach Cloud from the bottom of his pit; he just had to yell a little louder to be heard. So, after sitting quietly by himself for a moment, he heaved a sigh and dragged his chair back to the side of the blonde’s bed. Pushing their conversation aside, he took the tablet from Cloud and started searching for a place to start their lessons.

 

\----

 

Leon could only assume Joshua had taken his Charge home. He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of the other feline Carrier for a while. Leon couldn’t really blame him, though. He was sure Joshua thought he was insane for being so comfortable around Xemnas’ adventures in disembowelment. Leon didn’t really want to be around himself after realizing how easy it had been to hang around and be interested in the man’s process. He was sure there was some term in a psychology textbook for people who were fascinated by other people digging around in innards; he just didn’t know what it was.

For two weeks after everyone had left, Leon hung around Cloud’s room quietly. They didn’t talk much, and the brunette only spoke once he was spoken to, when he was teaching the blonde, or when Cloud needed a translation. Small talk was an illusion, and genuine conversation was an almost insulting idea. It didn’t bother Leon as much as he thought it should’ve. Cloud never had very many nice things to say anyway, and the brunette could appreciate the sterile silence for what it was. And what it was, was peaceful. He couldn’t ask for much more than that.

After a series of stress tests, where Cloud had to walk on treadmills and lift weights, the Technicians were satisfied with his recovery progress and decided that the blonde was okay to undergo his second surgery. Replacing a battered kidney wasn’t exactly as complicated or as intense as replacing a heart, but the post surgery recovery had felt very similar all the same. Leon was reminded of how hard a time Zack had after getting a new liver, and wondered how long it would be before Cloud was on his feet normally again.

To make matters worse, soon after Cloud’s kidney was replaced, he had to undergo hemofiltration in order to remove the excess metals in his body. Dialysis was a bygone process since synthetic kidneys became readily available to the public, but the process for heavy metal detoxifying was very similar. High concentrations of chelating agents were pumped into Cloud’s arteries, he waited for a couple hours or so for them to begin pulling excess metals from his body, and then his blood was pumped out and filtered before the excess of agents could make him sick. He had to do these processes for several hours at a time, four times a week, for a year.

Cloud didn’t complain. Then again, Leon never heard him complain about very much when it came to processes concerning himself. His Charge never said anything about feeling overly tired, sick, or how awful the hospital food was. Weeks prior, when Cloud had brought up how much his chest hurt, Leon had been genuinely surprised and took the complaint very seriously because of how little his Charge talked about his issues. The only thing the blonde ever regularly whined about was whenever his Carrier was doing something that annoyed him. But since Leon had learned to keep his mouth shut and his emotions to himself, the blonde couldn’t say anything.

The lack of complaining and the lack of nasty words started to distort Leon’s idea of what should’ve been normal. The peaceful quiet he and his Charge shared became normal over the course of several weeks and it started to feel almost like they were getting along even though there weren’t many pleasantries to be had. What should’ve been a friendship built on nice conversations and getting to know one another was actually just a quiet coexistence in the same space. After so many years of anguish and abuse, the peace the brunette longed to have started to feel less like a byproduct of a dysfunctional pairing and more like Cloud was actually being friendly. It felt like they were getting somewhere since there weren’t any insults for an extended period of time. Nothing could be further than the truth.

For Cloud, most of his thinking space was taken up by how terrible he felt. He had a hard time focusing on much else other than sleeping, forcing himself to get up to use the bathroom, and eating. He didn’t think about Leon, he didn’t think about Aerith, he didn’t think about his recovery, he just thought about the pain and the weakness. It was getting to the point where he had been bedridden for so long that the idea of getting up to walk down the hallway seemed like such a foreign concept. He couldn’t imagine getting better and being normal again; he could barely even remember what normal was.

Leon tried to get him to pay attention to learning new things. Cloud really did want to participate and gain more knowledge, but he struggled to stay awake. When he said he was too tired, his Carrier didn’t press him and left him alone. Leon had enough sense to only try to get anything out of the blonde when it seemed like Cloud was having a better day, and truthfully, Cloud was thankful for Leon’s persistence. If he had been left to his own devices, his waking hours would’ve been clogged with dwelling on his sins and the misery he had caused other people.

Up until his tablet showed up, that was what Cloud did for most of his time. Toxic thoughts of self depreciation and worthlessness swirled around in his head, haunting the time he was awake and poisoning his sleep. Nightmares were still prevalent, as his mind played and replayed the broken pieces of memories he wished he couldn’t remember. He had them even after his kidney surgery, but at the very least he could be awake and have something else to think about since Leon and his tablet were there to distract him.

Despite that small bit of appreciation, Cloud still didn’t like Leon very much. The brunette was boring and had zero personality. His Carrier had become so quiet for most of the day that he started to become part of the room’s furniture to Cloud. The blonde barely noticed him when he wasn’t talking, and whenever Leon got up to use the bathroom or retrieve their meals from the nurses, it startled him. If his Carrier up and disappeared for several days, Cloud doubted he would notice for a long while.

“You’re going to have your last surgery tomorrow,” Leon said, setting down a glass of water on Cloud’s tray table. He had just brought the blonde his last bland meal for the day and his Charge didn’t seem very excited about it.

“Already?” Cloud asked, less than pleased with the idea. He didn’t feel anywhere near strong enough to undergo any more procedures. It was nearly a month after his kidney surgery and it still felt like he had gone through it just a few hours ago. He picked up his fork and pushed his peas around in a circle.

“Your doctor says you’re stable enough to be put under again. You need it, though. I’m not sure you’ve noticed but your breath has gotten progressively worse. It’s pretty astounding considering how often you brush your teeth,” Leon said, taking his seat with his own tray. Cloud frowned.

“I don’t need to smell my breath to know my teeth are bad. They hurt. Constantly.”

“You never said anything before.”

“What would that accomplish? Are you going to rip them out and put new ones in? Because I thought that was what tomorrow was for; why should I say anything when it was going to be fixed anyway?”

“True enough.”

“I still don’t have to be happy about it, though.”

“I wouldn’t be either. The whole process sounds horrendous.”

“I know,” Cloud grumped, shoving his peas under his mashed potatoes. He stuffed his fork in them and let go of it so it was standing by itself; glued into place by the squished starchy tuber. Letting out a sigh, he leaned back against his pillows and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Don’t like peas?” Leon asked, raising a brow.

“It’s not that; hot food makes my teeth hurt. I need to wait for it to cool off.”

“Oh.”

“Cold food does it too, so if I let it go too long, I’ll have a hell of a time trying to eat it anyway.”

“Oh.”

“I need new teeth.”

“You’re going to get new teeth.”

“I don’t want to.”

“But you need to.”

“They should just magically appear where they’re supposed to be.”

“If only it was that easy.”

“I know.”

“Don’t worry; you’ll get better eventually.”

“Eventually is too far away.”

“I agree.”


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 75

Midgar had come up with an inventive new way to recruit people from outside their regions. The government had devised a plan where physically capable young men would be gathered up like herds of cattle and brought to makeshift recruitment facilities to be assimilated. They were to lie on a cold hard table where the officers on duty would strap them down and bring over a device that was little more than a thick metal plate with a weight on top of it. They would then slowly lower the device onto the recruit’s face until the young man broke down and screamed for them to stop. Cartilage and bone would break before the officers would let up the pressure, and the only way they would is if the recruit denounced the country they came from and swore allegiance to Midgar and her impressive military. If they didn’t, their heads were crushed and they were scraped aside to make room for the next recruit.

Cloud fought tooth and nail to escape the herds of young men that had been gathered up. He screamed at the officers that he was already a citizen and that he didn’t need such treatment; there must’ve been some sort of mistake. Nibelheim was a part of Midgar and had been since forever! How could he get mixed up with the kidnapped aliens from outside nations?

But it didn’t matter. No one believed him. No one had the time to check his paperwork, nor did they care. He was just another pawn in the system; nothing of worth. He was laid out on the chilling table like everyone else had been, begging and pleading for them to stop. The officers found it funny. Even after Cloud started spitting his allegiance to Midgar, they had no intention of stopping. His reaction was just too entertaining to let go of.

Slowly, the plate was lowered and settled against the tip of his nose. The smell of the previous recruit’s gore flooded his nostrils and told him stories of how his own flesh would soon fall in line with the other rejects. Terrified tears burst from his eyes against his will and pained screams ripped from his throat as his nose and chin were slowly crushed under the weighted plate. Soon after, he started choking on his own teeth as his jaw was shattered and pieces fell down his open throat. Eventually, he couldn’t scream anymore; too much damage had been done.

 

\----

 

Cloud’s eyes popped open and he sucked in a strong breath through his nose, eyes wide and terrified. He immediately regretted moving his face as the roaring pain of having all of his teeth rearranged crashed into him all at once. Since his surgery, waking up after sleeping for any length of time was easily the most painful experience he could remember having. His entire head felt like it would explode at any minute, and moving was out of the question. He had to be sedated to get any sleep, and the amount of pain medication in his veins was near critical levels. Without putting him in a coma, there was little else his doctors could do for him; he just had to wait until his jaws healed.

There was a severe disadvantage to having so much pain medication in his system. Whenever he was awake, he was on high alert as the room around him distorted and twisted, making him see things that weren’t really there. Things got especially bad just after waking up. The pain was at its worst and it was then that his nurses came in to refill his medication. A few minutes later, he would be high as a kite. He’d sit in his bed with huge pupils and eyes as wide as an owl’s, terrified of anything that moved or made any noise. It was as if he was suddenly a child again and someone had forced him to snort and entire bucket full of cocaine in one sitting.

The problem was, he had no way of communicating anything to anyone. Every time he moved a muscle on his face, he was hit over the head with a wave of pain that was so strong it made him dizzy. His jaw was wired shut so he couldn’t speak, and even if he could read and write proficiently he was in no condition to do so. He was stuck in a drug induced paranoid hell that he had no way of escaping.

That morning had been especially bad. As soon as Cloud was shaken awake by his nightmare, he started hallucinating. On the far wall across from his bed, a pair of bleeding arms was slowly inching their way out of a void that seemed to have opened up just for him. They slid down towards the floor, bending and stretching at unnatural angles to do so, before the rest of the body attached to them started to emerge. It was humanoid in nature, with an almost featureless face and peeling skin. It only had enormous startlingly blue eyes that shimmered and glowed like two stars in the night sky. Blood seeped out from between the loosening pieces of flesh and dripped onto the floor as it dragged itself towards him, leaving a scarlet trail behind it.

Cloud let out a hoarse and muffled scream and picked up the closest projectile he could find. His water glass clattered against the floor and sent a spray of liquid in all directions. His uneaten dish of applesauce was soon to follow. The bleeding demon was apparently allergic to apples, because once the unappetizing goop collided with its face it started to silently melt into the floor until it was completely gone. Panicked and out of breath, Cloud heaved heavy gasps through the metalwork keeping his jaw shut. Horrified tears stung his eyes and a string of drool dripped off his chin, unnoticed.

“What was that?” Reno asked quietly, his face on Cloud’s tablet somewhat shocked by all the sudden noise. He and Leon had been sharing a whispered conversation just a moment beforehand. They were attempting to catch up with each other but the brunette’s Charge had other plans for Leon’s time.

“It was Cloud having a bad morning, it would seem. There’s water and applesauce all over the floor and up the wall,” Leon whispered back. “I’m just glad it wasn’t aimed at me this time. Last night I must’ve made some sort of noise or moved in a way that he was unhappy with because I was suddenly covered in mashed potatoes and being howled at.”

“Sounds like a party,” Reno said, an amused grin spreading across his face.

“It’s really funny, but it shouldn’t be. It’s actually really _really_ sad. I don’t know what to feel; one second he’s being hilarious and then the next second I just want to hold him like an infant because he is in so much obvious pain,” the brunette said.

“If I were you, I’d be recording video of it to share with my friends. You’re never going to have an opportunity like this again. Hopefully. If he needs to be on that much pain medication again at some point in his life, it’s a sign that something horrible happened.”

“True enough,” Leon said with a sigh. He watched his Charge carefully, waiting for Cloud to turn around and see him, but he didn’t. The blonde’s breathing slowed to normal levels and he simply stopped being upset as if someone had flipped a switch in his head. He stared at the floor in an empty haze. Seizing the opportunity, Leon shuffled off the couch quietly to push a button on the wall to call in Cloud’s nurse. When he sat again, the seat squeaked lightly, causing his Charge to visibly startle and look around the room as if a bomb had suddenly gone off.

“What’s happening?” Reno whispered, even quieter than before. Leon had suddenly frozen.

“Shhh, I scared him. I’m not sure he can see me, though. He doesn’t seem to.”

“Really?”

“He’s staring at me, but he isn’t moving,” the brunette said. He held his breath, waiting for Cloud to retaliate. After a solid twenty second stare-down, the blonde’s tepid bravado seeped away and he went back to looking frightened. His posture sagged and he slowly pulled his blanket up to his nose, using it like a shield to hide behind. Leon watched his Charge’s eyes quickly dart back and forth as he scanned the room for impending threats. Despite his guilt in doing so, Leon started to laugh quietly. He sat back in his seat gently. Cloud didn’t seem to notice him anymore.

“You’d think his doctors would sedate him,” Reno said, trying to hold back his own laughter.

“He spends most of his day sleeping; he’s only awake for _maybe_ a couple hours total, but hardly even that much. He’s on intravenous nutrients because he sleeps so much he doesn’t eat.”

“I doubt he’s sober enough to navigate a spoon, anyway.”

“Me too. They leave stuff for him to try and eat anyway, but he hardly ever does. I don’t think he’s eaten properly in… a week? Maybe more. I feel bad for him.”

“It is pathetic. I don’t feel bad, though. What he’s going through is ultimately for his benefit. He doesn’t deserve it, but it’ll benefit him all the same.”

“He does deserve it, though. He’s my Charge. He needs this.”

“You’re missing my point.”

“No, I understand what your point is perfectly; I just don’t blame him the same way you do. Believe it or not the last several weeks haven’t been bad at all. He’s been as receptive as he can be to his education, even.”

“Receptive as he can be?”

“Surgeries tend to get in the way of progress, but he is trying.”

Reno shrugged. “That seems strange to me. It feels unlikely that he would have such a turnaround so quickly.”

“It’s not a turnaround per se, but it is getting better. He gets cranky every now and again, but I’m usually cranky anyway so I don’t really notice until after the fact.”

The nurse gently tapped his fingers against the door before carefully pushing it open. Everyone had learned to be cautious around Cloud as the blonde’s mental stability was constantly a hair’s breadth away from tipping over the edge. Tapping the door just loud enough for Leon to hear was enough common courtesy for him and it usually meant that Cloud wasn’t alerted. The door’s hinges had even been greased so they didn’t squeak at all when they moved. Once the man was inside, he looked at the splattered mess on the floor and frowned at Leon. The Carrier shrugged at him.

“He hasn’t really noticed speech very much today,” the brunette whispered. “He seems to have more of a problem with short and sudden outbursts.”

“Ah, I see,” the nurse said.

“If you bring me the stuff, I can clean up this time,” the Carrier offered.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ll be right back,” the man sighed before turning to take his leave again.

“Poor guy. He’s getting the raw end of this deal,” Reno commented.

“If the doctor was in here and had to clean up every few hours, I’m sure he would stop insisting on giving Cloud alternative foodstuffs. Some normal food is better than none, in his opinion, even if it has to be mashed through Cloud’s braces or sucked through a straw. Cloud would probably appreciate it more if he wasn’t out of his mind constantly.”

“Probably. Man, your life is so much more exciting than mine right now. Just about the most thrilling experience I’ve had in the last six weeks is the ability to lift both my arms through my shirt sleeves,” Reno sighed, leaning back in his seat with a bored expression.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Leon said with a tiny smile.

“It is a nice ability to have, I will admit. I’m glad it’s there. But Rude isn’t nearly as interesting as Cloud right now,” the redhead said.

“Hey,” Rude piped, his voice sounding somewhat distant and offended. He was clearly in the redhead’s lab with him, but elsewhere. Leon couldn’t see him. Reno grinned and turned in his seat to face his Charge.

“Does your tone imply that I have free reign to force an almost poisonous amount of drugs into your system to make you more entertaining? Are you jealous?” the bovine Carrier asked slyly.

“Er, no.” his Charge replied.

“Then don’t sound like you are.”

“There’s a difference between offended and jealous.”

“Eh, semantics. It sounds the same to me. You mean you don’t want to be trippin’ balls and throwing applesauce everywhere all day every day?”

“What does ‘tripping balls’ even mean?” Rude asked confusedly. Reno laughed a little under his breath.

“Never mind. It’s not important.”

Leon cleared his throat impatiently and the redhead refocused his attention on him. “How are you, Rude? I’m sorry. I didn’t even ask about you,” he apologized. He could hear a chair scrape against the floor as the man stood from wherever he was sitting. A moment later, and Reno’s Charge appeared behind the redhead’s seat. He looked well enough and seemed to be comfortable in his surroundings; all good signs. Reno tiled his head back and grinned up at the man.

“I’ve been fine. Things are… interesting. Different, but not scary,” Rude admitted. He looked thoughtful for a second before continuing. “Reno’s family has me worried.”

“Why’s that?” Leon asked.

“Because they’re all insane.”

“They are not!” Reno cried, his grin turning into a frown instantaneously.

“Okay maybe not _insane,_ but they are… energetic.”

“Yes. That is accurate,” the redhead agreed.

“Overbearing in some instances.”

“A little.”

“Goofy.”

“Yes.”

“Mischievous.”

“…Yes.”

“So… insane,” Leon concluded. Reno pressed his mouth into a thin line before he relented and nodded.

“Maybe sometimes,” he agreed sheepishly.

“But there hasn’t been a dull moment yet, which is good,” Rude said.

“I was worried you would be bored,” the redhead said.

“Not yet. Maybe eventually. But eventually is not today.”

“Good.”

“I’m glad everything is working out,” Leon said, a tiny smile playing on his lips. He was genuinely pleased to see Reno had made a healthy recovery and was on the correct path to making his goals reality. The conversation eventually drifted to a peaceful end, and Reno cleared his throat a bit as he pulled Rude’s attention to him again.

“Can you give us a few minutes?” he asked his Charge. Rude raised a brow briefly before nodding and taking his leave.

“See you some other time, Leon,” he said with a tiny wave.

“Later,” the brunette agreed. Reno followed Rude’s path with his eyes until he could no longer see him past the laboratory doors. Once he was alone, the redhead heaved a sigh and scooted closer to the screen, pulling his legs up onto his seat with him. He hugged the limbs tightly, resting his chin on his knees.

“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted quietly.

“What do you mean?” Leon asked.

“The Technicians are busting down our doors asking where our progress is but… how do you tell a guy that doesn’t love you that you’re supposed to be having children together? How do you go from friendship to pseudo parenthood without anything in between?” Reno mumbled.

Leon opened his mouth, as if he had an answer, but closed it again when he realized he didn’t. “I’m… not sure. I’ve sort of been avoiding having that conversation with myself ever since I accepted how impossible a relationship of any positive capacity with Cloud is.”

“But you said things are getting better.”

“And they are. I’m just skeptical of how much farther it will go. It’s probably never going to be where it needs to be in order to have a comfortable conversation about children with him. But… the Carriers we make are only biologically our ‘children’ if you think about it. We don’t raise them, we don’t know them from birth, and they come into our side of life with an established knowledge base and personality we had nothing to do with. They’re related to us because we need two people’s genetics in order to make another person, but they’re just family. Not… children. Not really,” Leon attempted.

“I can’t agree with that logic. I’ve had too many family members be matured in my lifetime to see them as anything else but children. I don’t know how many new Carriers you’ve been around and had the experience of being one of the first people they know, but their understanding of life right out of the gestational chamber is very limited. They know how to talk, to walk, to function so they survive, to read, to write, and how to do basic mathematics. But they still learn how to live life from you and the people you surround yourself with. They’re still influenced and… raised in a way. If you tell them something they did is wrong, they don’t really question it. They just accept it and remember it for next time; just like a child would.”

“I’ve not been around any new Carriers before. I remember my early days clearly, but I don’t recall ever having instances where I was ‘taught’ what to value and how my morals should be. Tifa and Zack helped me adjust to solid life but they weren’t really parents to me otherwise.”

“No, but your situation was different. You are an original. You didn’t have a family unit that you could relate to and be taught by. You had to do it all yourself. My entire facility is full of my family. We’re literally all related to each other in some way because our species is so huge and so far down the developed genetic line. I knew my mother and my father. Do you know yours? The first feline pair?”

“…No. I don’t think they’re around anymore,” Leon deadpanned. He huffed a sigh and scowled a bit, new questions and concerns popping into his head at a hurried pace. “This is a difficult problem. I’m not sure what to think now. I sort of like the idea of considering my Carriers as my children and not my siblings, but… not with Cloud. I can’t even begin to think of how to explain our work in more detail to him.”

“So now you see my problem. I would love to have a hundred caramel colored babies with Rude, but that is so incredibly far in the future with our relationship, it seems unreal. Regardless of how it feels, though, we have to start it anyway. And soon.”

“Caramel colored babies? Reno, your skin color doesn’t translate to---“

“Fuck you, I know that,” the redhead spat grumpily. “But a guy can dream, can’t he? Don’t stomp my balls like that, man. It’s not cool.”

“Sorry. I honestly thought you weren’t aware,” Leon said with a shrug.

“No, I’m aware. I just choose to be delusional.”

“Fair enough.”

“Chocolate babies are just as nice.”

“If I’m honest, the idea of infants having flavors assigned to them is a little too strange for me.”

“You have a point, but even still, caramel babies are a little more appealing because that would mean they’d have a complete mix from both of us instead of just some from me but most from him.”

“I suppose so, but even if that was possible, you could still have a child that’s on either end of the spectrum naturally. You could have all of the colors in between, even; from the pastiest of vanillas all the way to Rude’s color of chocolate.”

“Are you calling me pasty?” the redhead asked, his eyes narrowing at his friend suspiciously.

“Yes. You are whiter than Cloud’s fancy new teeth.”

“Hey, you’re just as pasty as I am, asshole.”

“I never said I wasn’t. But the unfortunate situation I have is that I wouldn’t get a variety of beautifully colored and diverse children even if my skin color did translate genetically. I’d have anywhere from porcelain to… transparent. Cloud isn’t exactly the picture of diversity.”

“Hm. Very true,” Reno agreed. He pursed his lips thoughtfully for a moment. “I wonder what makes other Carriers actually change their skin colors and at what point do they choose to? We all default to the same color, but I’ve seen Carriers look all sorts of ways before. It just never occurred to me to change mine. I wonder what makes them do it.”

Leon shrugged. “I couldn’t say. That’s a good question.”

“I’ll have to ask some of my cousins. A few of them are different, but they sort of match their Charges, too. I can give a pretty educated guess as to why they changed.”

“Yeah. It’s easier to blend into foreign societies when your biggest identifier doesn’t clash against the local norm.”

“That, or they just think their Charges are sexy and want to be sexy too. I already thought I was sexy before I found Rude in my catalog so that’s sort of a moot point for me.”

“I suppose so.”

“You sound so doubtful. You don’t think I’m sexy?”

“No. Sorry. You’re not in that thought process for me.”

“You wound me with your words,” Reno said, dramatically pushing his brows together sadly with a pout. He sniffled loudly before immediately dropping the act and smiling brightly. “I’m not really your type, it’s true. I understand.”

“My type?”

“Yeah. I’m not nearly blonde enough and my hair doesn’t do as many stupid things as your requirements expect. Also, my ass is nowhere near huge or fluffy enough. I do have blue eyes, though. But one out of four doesn’t a happy match make.”

Leon held his face in his hands with a sigh of embarrassed discontent. He took a deep breath and carefully considered Reno’s words. Eventually, when he was sure his face wasn’t so red anymore, he peeked over his fingertips at his friend again. The redhead was grinning at him, silently teasing him with how right he was. “Zell did have sort of a bubble butt too, didn’t he?” the brunette mumbled from behind his palms.

“I never saw him naked but he did have some rockin’ hips, so I could only assume. He had the same problem Cloud does; he didn’t really wear shorts that fit him right so it was really unclear of what he was packing underneath.”

Leon shrugged. “I never had a problem with it.”

“Well of course you didn’t; you knew the answer to the mystery. But in all seriousness, Cloud has an ass overload problem. His is so huge it pours out into his personality.”

“That’s… not incorrect. I do believe it’s there to act as a counterweight for the rest of his parts, though. He could just tip forward and fall on his face if it wasn’t there to anchor him.”

“It’s very possible. No man needs to carry around that much ass around with him otherwise. It’s almost a sin.”

“I can’t disagree,” Leon said, glancing at his very quiet Charge. The blonde was still sitting upright, but had pulled his knees up to his chest. His arms were limp at his sides and he had his forehead pressed into his kneecaps. He had somehow maneuvered his blanket around himself like an uneven cocoon, and to Leon, he looked a little like a homeless person that had passed out against a building. The brunette was quiet for a moment, trying to gauge if there was a problem.

“What’s he doing?” Reno asked.

“Nothing. I think he died,” Leon said, setting the tablet down. He intentionally left it upright on the seat and leaning against the back of the sofa so Reno could see Cloud. The brunette stood and carefully made his way to his Charge’s bed. Once he was there, he cautiously reached out and put a hand on Cloud’s shoulder.

Immediately, in a startling display of speed, Cloud’s hand shot up and grabbed hold of Leon’s forearm, his fingers digging into the Carrier’s skin harshly. He then yanked the brunette towards him with his grip and with the other hand, lashed forward at him and punched Leon as hard as he could in the Carrier’s solar plexus. The air evacuated quickly out of Leon’s body, leaving him with weak knees. He coughed loudly and doubled over, holding his chest. Cloud let go of him as the Carrier dropped to the floor breathlessly, hugging himself.

“Holy shit!” Reno cried from the tablet, breaking out in raucous laughter.

Afterward, Cloud wasn’t in much better shape than Leon was. The exertion he had put forth was immensely painful and he couldn’t see straight. He gripped the railing, and with shaking limbs, slowly lowered himself to his mattress properly. He then pulled his blanket up over himself to hide under as his head and face threatened to split apart. Letting out a long whining cry, the blonde descended into heaving sobs as he mentally begged and pleaded with the pain to either let him die or leave him alone. His bawling soon turned distorted and muddled between incoherent words as his thoughts turned as vocal as they could.

“F-fuck…” Leon spat, the oxygen slowly coming back to him. He forced himself to take deep breaths despite how painful his chest felt. It didn’t take long for him to gather enough of his strength back to start paying attention to the horrendous wailing his Charge was emitting. It was a sound that he heard so rarely that it shattered his anger and threatened to smash his heart into a pile of dust. He grabbed the railing on the side of the bed and pulled himself to his knees. Doubtful of the decision he was about to make, Leon reached forward and cautiously pulled up the edge of the blanket.

“Weeuhn…” the blonde said, letting out a high pitched whine as he tried to take a deep breath afterward. Leon stared at him for a moment, unable to make himself move. The noise his Charge had made was so utterly pitiful but so funny to him; he wasn’t sure how to react. He could feel a smile pulling at his mouth that he couldn’t stop so he dropped the blanket back into place and turned his face away. His laugh escaped him in hushed wheezy breaths that shook his shoulders. After a moment, he had pulled himself together and cleared his throat. He lifted the cloth again and was met with Cloud’s puffy watery eyes glaring at him angrily.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh at you,” the brunette said. Another smile threatened to emerge. “But you made such a weird noise; I wasn’t ready for it.”

In Cloud’s hazy little world, he was devastated. When Leon had touched his shoulder, Cloud’s distorted imagination told him that he was being grabbed by an unspeakable demon and he needed to retaliate and get away. So he did; and it was a success. However, even after taking cover, he could still hear the demon growling and scuttling around. That was when his cover was lifted and Leon was there. Surely, Cloud thought, Leon had seen the creature too and was there to assist. The blonde was wrong, though, and the Carrier was just there to laugh at him and his pain. Even at his most vulnerable, Cloud couldn’t count on Leon for anything; or so he felt. Crankily, he grabbed his blanket and yanked it out of the brunette’s hand and pulled it back over his head with an indignant grunt.

“Cloud… don’t be like that. I’m sorry,” Leon said, pulling the blanket back again. Cloud’s expression had changed, though, when he became visible again. The blonde was staring ahead of himself again, as he had been after throwing his dish of applesauce across the room. He was starting to zone out now that he was settled in one place and his panic had subsided. The copious amounts of medications in his system were trying to pull him under into unconsciousness again and Leon thought it best to let it happen; Cloud probably wouldn’t register his apology even if he persisted. With a tiny sigh, he set the blanket back where it had been and went to go sit on the sofa again.

“That was the best. Thanks for sharing that,” Reno said with a wide grin when Leon had picked up the tablet once more. The brunette rubbed his chest where he had been punched.

“I didn’t really enjoy it,” he mumbled.

“I imagine not. It sounded like it hurt.”

“It did. I was expecting him to do something, but I hadn’t realized he had the capacity to move that quickly.”

“He regretted it.”

“Yeah. Did you hear the noise he made?”

“Totally. It was like a squeaky drawer being opened really slowly.”

“It was awful. Broke my heart a little.”

“Aw, there there mama bear, it’ll be okay. Your baby just needs to get adjusted to his new adult life. He’ll stop crying eventually.”

“It was a funny noise but at the same time it was really upsetting,” Leon said with a frown. “He doesn’t get emotional like that and doesn’t really react to pain very much. He must really be hurting.”

“Well, getting one tooth replaced is a nightmare. Having a whole head of them is probably the worst of the worst. Being off his rocker probably doesn’t help him remember to be a big boy, either.”

Furrowing his brows together, Leon gave Reno a glare. “Don’t mock him so much. He’s miserable.”

“Yeah he is,” the redhead agreed with a tiny scoff.

“Reno.”

“Sorry I don’t have more sympathy. I really don’t like him.”

“I know. You could be more concerned about how it affects me, though. Ever think of that?”

“Sorry. It’s hard for me to remember that you don’t see him as a monster like I do.”

“I make specific efforts not to remember it. And besides, he isn’t really to blame for his past. At what point do we try to forget and move on? If I keep dredging it up like you seem to want to, our life isn’t going to improve. And it is _our_ life whether either of us wants it to be.”

“He really has been that different since I left? You’re okay with just… getting over it?”

“I’ve wanted to get over it for years and the peace we’ve had for the last few weeks has helped me believe it’s possible,” Leon said, curling up against the sofa’s armrest with the tablet propped up on his chest. “It’ll never be perfect, and even friendship is uncertain, but I’d settle for simple civility. So far, we’ve had that. It’s good enough.”

Reno scowled. “I’m still not convinced.”

“You don’t have to be. So long as it works for me that should be enough for you.”

“A fair point. I’ll work on it,” Reno said. Leon smiled; a tiny bit of thanks. The redhead sighed and sat back in his seat, stretching his arms over his head as much as possible. “Well, I think I should probably do some work today. I’m glad you called. Thanks.”

“No problem. Sorry it took me so long to figure out I could use the tablet for this. I can’t dial out with the terminal in here so I was sort of stuck for a while.”

“No worries. I’m just glad I got to see your face. I missed it.”

“I missed yours too.”

“Oh you,” Reno said with a wide grin. “I bet you say that to all the pretty girls.”

“No, just the ugly ones,” Leon said simply.

“Oh you can just fuck right off, you know that? I’m fucking beautiful,” the redhead said, a deep scowl marring his face.

“I know you are. I was just joking.”

“Damn right you were.”

 

\-----

 

Cloud was awake again, sitting upright against his pillows and staring ahead of himself as he waited for his brain to fall asleep. Not much had changed for him over the course of the last few days, but at the very least his sleeping had started to follow a schedule. His nurse had just topped up all of the varying chemicals he had become accustomed to and his vision was getting a bit blurry because of it. As far as he could tell, he was alone in his room. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw Leon, and he wondered if the Carrier had abandoned him.

Unbeknownst to Cloud, Leon hadn’t abandoned him and had stayed with him through all of his amusing drug induced antics. However, the brunette still had things he needed to do. He had been called out of the room and was being given a physical since he hadn’t had one for several months. The Technicians were prepared for infrequent reports once the pair left the compound, but while they were there, the data needed to flow. They also discussed Leon’s survey answers at length with him. It was an uncomfortable venture, to say the least.

Cloud was oblivious; understandably so. His eyes slowly opened and closed heavily as he tried to clear the warped air that plagued them. But after repeating the motion a few times, he stopped. Something had suddenly appeared in the doorway and was making its way across the room. It was a huge pile of dry leaves, sluggishly sliding along the tile towards the sofa. Most of its mass was pushed towards the direction it was going, so Cloud could only assume that was its front. Before it could get seated, though, the pile stopped and looked at him briefly. Once it seemed to register that he was awake, it started to slide towards him. The blonde didn’t know what to do.

Leon could see that his Charge was terrified of whatever it was he was looking at. The Carrier, fresh from his physical, was in his Primal form and he was sure his unfamiliar shape was producing some very interesting images for Cloud. Impossibly wide blue eyes stared at him while the rest of his Charge’s body tensed, but stayed frozen in place. When the blonde didn’t lash out at him, the cat felt it was reasonably safe to approach him.

The hospital bed squeaked under Leon’s weight as he stepped up onto the mattress with his front half. Cloud slowly slid across his pillows, leaning away from him, his face frozen in a pale deer-in-the-headlights fashion. The brunette would’ve laughed if he could’ve; he couldn’t imagine what the blonde was actually seeing. Before he could make his Charge have a panic attack the Carrier nestled down, settling on his forefeet as he curled them underneath himself. The air between them grew still as they stared at one another, neither of them brave enough to do much more.

Leon was waiting to be poked in the eye or jabbed in the face somehow once the blonde’s steadiness broke, but when that didn’t happen, he relaxed a bit. He eventually sat his back half on the floor and settled in properly. In reality, he was only there to antagonize his Charge into doing something funny, but Cloud wasn’t doing what Leon had expected. His original plan was to come back to their room and change back and get dressed in the bathroom, but he realized this was an opportunity he shouldn’t pass up; and he was glad he didn’t.

It took several long minutes, but Cloud seemed to calm down again. He wasn’t as tense and he eased back onto his pillows where he had originally been. His eyes were still glued on the pile of leaves that had taken shelter on his bed with him, but it seemed like a much less threatening entity now that it was hanging around not doing anything. It reminded him of Leon; brown, dry, and boring. He figured, since his Carrier had apparently left him, that this pile of leaves was an okay substitute. It was almost as if Leon had never left.

With shaking fingers, the blonde lifted his hand and settled it on Leon’s snout, his fingertips gently pushing around the smooth short hairs above his nose. The Carrier let out a long sigh through his nose and Cloud recoiled, pulling his hand away as his palm suddenly grew hot. The blonde couldn’t make sense of what he was feeling. Dead leaves weren’t smooth, nor were they warm. They also didn’t breathe, either. Despite how wrong it felt, he couldn’t force himself to care. For once, what he was seeing wasn’t something bleeding or trying to kill him, so it must’ve been okay. He settled his hand back where it had been.

Leon, feeling reasonably safe, laid his head down on the mattress next to Cloud’s thigh. The blonde helped himself to combing his fingers through the Carrier’s mane, seeing his digits glide through an expanse of shriveled coarse leaf stems. It all felt so strange to him, but was oddly relaxing. Plus, now that the pile had settled against him, he could feel the thing’s warmth radiating over his leg and side. That was okay too.

 _It_ _’_ _s a pity you can_ _’_ _t stay this drugged forever, you_ _’_ _re so much more pleasant to be around; mashed potato and applesauce bombs aside,_ Leon thought, letting his eyes droop closed.


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 76

The harsh _plink_ the wire made when it was cut was the most beautiful symphony Cloud had ever heard. Several more just like it followed and each one was just another step towards freedom. Some of the metalwork holding his mouth shut was being removed and he could slowly feel the tension being let up on his jaw. Due to how extensive his dental work had been, his oral surgeon couldn’t just attach anchors to his teeth and tie those together. Every tooth had been loose and if Cloud had tried to tear open his mouth, he would’ve pulled out whole teeth with relative ease. That was why his doctors kept him awake despite the immense pain; they wanted him to feel it so he wouldn’t be tempted to try and open his mouth regardless. Leon couldn’t guess why they felt being awake was better than being asleep, but he wasn’t a doctor so he didn’t try to question it. He was sure the constant flow of chemicals they needed in order to keep someone sedated were just more expensive than pain killers.

However, the methods behind their madness meant that Cloud’s jaw had literally been wired shut. The skeletal wires had been fed through his bone and upper palette in an effort to keep everything in place. He could feel the metal sliding through his flesh, as if they were removing a well healed piercing, and his skin broke out in goosebumps with the strange sensation. He shivered visibly, his brows pushing together with disdain.

“His diet is still going to be limited to things that are easily chewable for a while. His jaw is healed enough so his teeth won’t fall out of his mouth, but if he chews on anything with too much impact he may push them into strange positions over time. He won’t die from it, but if he wants to avoid wearing braces like a teenager and keep his nice straight teeth, he’d do well to listen to instruction,” the oral surgeon said, leaning over Cloud’s face and keeping a keen eye on his work.

“Of course,” Leon said, watching Cloud’s face turn more and more upset with each wire that was yanked through his gums. In that instant, all the Carrier could see were the faces Cloud would make when he was a toddler whenever he ate something tart. His Charge would flex every muscle in his face so that he could and contort his features into an almost inhuman shape to show his disapproval of the sudden assault on his taste buds. It was a memory Leon would always smile at.

“No corn on the cob, nothing hard and sticky like caramels that would pull on his teeth, no whole apples; things like that. I’ll send you a list of things to avoid,” the man said.

“Sure. I’m not completely sure he knows what corn is and he isn’t into sweets so I don’t think we’ll have to worry much,” the brunette said.

The surgeon tugged the last wire free and sat back in his seat. “There.”

Cautiously, Cloud shifted his jaw, prepared for the worst pain of his life. It didn’t come. He was very sore, but he felt substantially better compared to where he had been a month prior. It was almost six weeks since the surgery and he was extremely happy to be reaching the end. He couldn’t remember much from his recovery, but he was still acutely aware of how painful it had been. The last week and a half had been a rollercoaster of periods of lucidity mixed with drug induced sleep cycles, but better overall. At the very least he had been alert enough to take care of himself instead of his nurses doing it for him.

“I ca—“ Cloud attempted, his voice getting caught in his lazy throat and making him cough a bit. He pushed his hands into his cheeks, furrowing his brows together. “I can’t feel my face,” he rasped.

“Do you remember being poked in the gums with a needle?” Leon asked. Hearing his Charge talk actual words was very strange for him. The last month and a half had been a surreal mish mash of squealing and animal-like grumbling. He couldn’t decide which he preferred.

“Sort of?” the blonde said, running his tongue over all the metal still cemented to his teeth. For the better part of an hour before the wires were cut, Cloud had been weaned off most of his pain medication for the procedure. He had been barely awake when it started, and by the time he understood what was happening, it was almost over. Local anesthetic helped reduce the pinching to almost nothing and he found the sensation of having numb cheeks fascinating.

“Do you remember the last six weeks?” Leon asked.

“Not really.”

“Do you remember yesterday?” the brunette persisted. Cloud blearily stared up at the light hanging above him and tried to focus as much as possible.

“I think so, but it also feels like I’m remembering something from years ago, so I’m not sure.”

“I see.”

“Why? What happened yesterday?”

“You punched your nurse in the nose.”

“Oh. Is she okay?”

“ _He_ is okay. There was blood, but nothing was broken.”

“Why did I hit him?”

“Because he woke you up, apparently. You hit me a few times over the last few weeks for the same reason as well.”

“Oh.”

“So if you see a guy with a huge black and purple bruise on his face, you should probably apologize,” Leon said.

“Okay,” Cloud agreed, his eyes drooping closed for a moment before he forced them open again. “When do I get all this other shit out of my mouth?” he asked, his words turning mumbled as sleep pulled on him.

“As soon as you stop eating feces and wash your mouth out.”

“Ha-ha, you’re such a comedian. Seriously.”

“A week or so, with luck. They need to monitor your teeth and make sure the top ones don’t shift downwards before they can take the braces off. It’s a lot easier to shove them back up into your skull as one attached unit as opposed to many single ones.”

“Okay. For now, though, I'm very tired," the blonde said.

"I don't doubt it. I'll take you back to your room."

 

\------------------------------

 

"These are the materials you requested. The board will be at your facility for you when you get back," the very important looking Technician said as he handed Leon a plastic crate. "You're sure you can handle these methods and still get your work done?"

"I'm going to have to try. If I can record his lessons in my off time, he can work with them as I work on our project. I'll have time to make a backlog of lessons for him, too. He won't be fit for teaching for a while yet," Leon said. The Technician smiled, pushing his shoulder length pale blonde hair behind his ear.

Leon could remember Ansem from way back when he was first matured. Those were awkward times. He seemed like a nice man though, which was a refreshing change to the horror stories he was prepared to write about other Technicians. So far, though, he hadn't had too many hiccups when interacting with them; and he was okay with that too.

The crate Ansem had delivered had several things that Leon had requested several weeks prior. There was a camera, a collapsible tripod, several memory cards for Cloud’s tablet, an extra tablet, and a telescopic stylus that extended out to a pointer. The board Ansem had referred to was the teaching surface Leon would use in order to demonstrate Cloud’s lessons for him. The digital surface interacted with the stylus in varying ways, but it was most useful as a place to write notes. The rest of the material was on the memory cards.

9x8b’s proposal to Ansem was very practical and a little unorthodox, if the Technician was honest with himself. The Carrier wanted to teach to the camera and record himself giving lectures for Cloud to watch when the blonde was capable. It was a very efficient system that 9x8b had concocted because the time between Cloud’s recovery and the start of his education wouldn’t be wasted idle time. Ansem appreciated the Carrier’s forethought. Plus, having everything digitally available and able to be replayed on an endless loop was much more cost effective than trying to find books for Cloud to use. The paper tools existed, but they were very expensive because of the scarcity of materials used to make them. They were also fragile and needed to be replaced often.

“I look forward to your progress, 9x8b,” Ansem said, hoping the Carrier would take the awkward cue to give his proper title.

“Leon. Sorry, I forgot you weren’t aware of my name,” the brunette admitted.

“Leon. Good. I’ll remember it.”

“I have one more request, though,” Leon said. The other man raised a brow.

“And that is?”

“Would it be possible for me to have some sort of growing table for plants? I liked doing gardening stuff back on the other side; it was… therapeutic to some degree,” Leon lied. The seeds the Shumi had given him had been tugging the back of his mind, teasing him with the unknowns. He was extremely curious, and the months of waiting were getting to him. Ever impatient, Leon didn’t want to save his meager earnings to buy a growing table on his own; that’d take too much time. It didn’t hurt to ask for one outright, though. The worst that would happen would be a denial.

Ansem seemed to consider his request carefully, which surprised him. The Technician had read Leon’s report and survey of how his stay went in Plane 087. It was abundantly clear that the brunette had not had a positive experience and it was possible there was very real emotional damage that had been done. He considered the potential cost of a paying a therapist extra money to work with a Carrier versus just granting Leon’s wish if it meant keeping the brunette’s demons away. He really didn’t want to think of the cost that would bubble up if Leon got so depressed he killed himself. Cloning was not cheap. A healthy Carrier, physically and mentally, was a productive Carrier. A growing table was a decent alternative to the other means.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he agreed.

“Really?” Leon asked, visibly surprised.

“Sure. I don’t see why it would be a problem. I would prefer you keep it in your own personal quarters as opposed to the lab, though. And you’re going to buy your own soil and seeds.”

“I can do that. Easily. Thank you.”

“Not a problem. Now,” Ansem said, sticking his hand into his lab coat, he pulled out his tablet and poked around at the screen. “Let’s sit. There are some things to discuss,” he added, heading for the sofa. Suddenly nervous, Leon went to sit with him. He set the crate on the floor.

“Am I in trouble?” the brunette asked.

“It’s hard to say. You’re not in disciplinary trouble, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“Trouble outside of the disciplinary type isn’t exactly a better alternative.”

“That’s very true. I read your survey in its entirety and there’s one specific instance in here that I’m concerned about,” the man said, scrolling through the pages.

“Oh,” Leon deadpanned, unable to look at the Technician anymore. This was a conversation he wasn’t prepared to have.

“You said in here that you were, for lack of a better term, electrocuted at one point. Tell me about that.”

Leon let out an audible sigh of relief. Electrocution was a much easier topic to talk about than what he thought it was going to be. “It’s a really long story about how I got there, but are you familiar with Materia?” he asked.

“Oh yes. They were the subject of a very long study at one point for me. You were shocked by one of those?”

“Well, a man using one yes.”

“Okay. That must’ve been an experience.”

“Not a great one. Why is that relevant?”

“Because when Carriers are electrocuted to that extreme, they react differently than what a human would. Were you able to function properly afterward?”

“It took me a second but I could stand afterward, yeah.”

“Most humans would’ve died.”

“… Oh. Neat,” Leon said, unsure of what else he should think.

Ansem chuckled under his breath for a moment. “It’s a common story from that plane, actually. You are not the first for this by any means. However, there are some after effects that we need to watch for over the course of the rest of your life.”

“That doesn’t sound so neat.”

“They rarely pose long lasting and intrusive problems, but it’s something to watch for. I would make sure you give yourself, or have Cloud do it for you, a full physical every month. Keep a feel out for abnormal cell growth.”

“Abnormal cell… you’re telling me to watch for cancer?” Leon asked, pushing his brows together worriedly.

“Cancer in the sense of your cells not growing how they should, yes. But like I said: very rarely do they cause real problems. I wouldn’t expect them to be malignant entities that’ll spread all over your body and kill you. They’ll mostly just… exist.”

“So… tumors. You’re telling me to watch for tumors.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll add it to the list of other bullshit I need to pay attention to,” Leon said with a tiny sigh.

“Your passive aggressiveness tells me the list is very long.”

“A decent length. More than I care for it to be.”

“Understandable. Well, if there are other problems that need to be addressed, which I assume there are given your survey answers, just let us know and we’ll see what we can do. The emotional things I’ll leave to you to determine how detrimental they are, but you’re in surprisingly good shape physically given everything you’ve been through. That is, from what we can see on the surface. It’d probably do you some good to get a scan in your Diagnostic Care Center when you have the opportunity, just to make sure.”

“Right,” Leon agreed with a frown.

“Well, that’s all I had for you. Did you need anything else?”

“Not that I can think of,” the Carrier said, slouching in his seat, wondering how fucked he was. He was afraid to get a scan; he didn’t want to know of any problems he had. He was happier thinking he was okay.

“I really wouldn’t worry too much, Leon. You’re not the first Carrier to have this experience, and you won’t be the last, I’m sure. We tell these things to all the Carriers that have a substantial shock to their system; not just the ones who have interacted with Materia.”

“I don’t mean to shit on anyone’s parade, but I’ve generally learned to expect the worst when it comes to my life. So forgive me for my lack of optimism.”

“I don’t blame you,” Ansem said. He stood from his seat and tucked his tablet back into his pocket. “I’ll try to have your growing table delivered before you get home, if it helps you feel better.”

“It does, some. Thanks.”

“Not a problem.”

 

\-------------------

 

Cloud kept his hands firmly planted on either side of the bathroom sink. It had taken a monumental effort to get into the tiny room by himself and he was trying to decide if he was going to pass out or not. He felt a little woozy, but after a few minutes, he was fairly confident that he was okay. The light overhead was almost too bright for him, and he squinted at himself in the mirror. He and Leon had just gotten back from meeting with his oral surgeon again. His mouth was metal free and he was overly curious about what healthy teeth looked like. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen them.

Pulling back the side of his mouth with a finger, he thoroughly inspected each tooth, paying special attention to the ones he knew he had lost before. It felt very strange to be able to close his mouth and feel each tooth meeting another one the way it was supposed to. The color was also somewhat startling to see. Each tooth was pristinely white and it looked off to him; especially against his gums which were still red and irritated. His surgeon assured him that they would eventually fade to a normal color and his gums would stop bleeding whenever he brought a toothbrush near them. He was thankful for that.

So far, his stay in his new homeland gave him mixed feelings. He found it odd that the people he was surrounded by seemed to be completely absorbed in his wellbeing and making sure he had everything that he needed. Aside from the basic necessities in life, even Nana hadn’t been as attentive as the strangers he could barely say he knew. The blonde had never really had a cohesive support group around him and had tended to think he would always need to take care of himself. The dynamic shift made him uncomfortable, like he was being lazy or taking advantage of these people.

Even weirder still, he wondered why he had a problem with it. Beforehand, he had planned on using Leon for whatever he was worth and then dumping him when his usefulness had dried up. For the longest time, he could think on that idea and not feel any remorse or guilt. But now, since realizing that Leon hadn’t been lying to him, Cloud felt differently. The Carrier hadn’t made any extra effort to become closer to him on a personal level, which he could appreciate, but he still didn’t care to be Leon’s friend because there was a lot of residual animosity that kept nagging Cloud whenever he thought too long on the brunette’s existence.

However, the blonde realized he had developed a certain level of respect for his Carrier. But even then, he couldn’t decide if it was really respect or just an obligation to help Leon with whatever it is he needed to accomplish. The amount of help the brunette had given him was not lost on Cloud, even if he didn’t like to admit it. Leon had more or less replaced all of his broken parts and made sure he was getting healthier. The brunette had explained to him the plans he had for his education as well, and they didn’t seem all that bad. They had discussed where they were going to live and how food, education, clothing, shelter, and work would just be given to him simply because he agreed to be there.

For all of that, Cloud simply had to exist. Such generosity was a foreign concept to him and the fact that Leon never asked him for anything made him wonder if there was going to be some cruel catch at the end of the charity line. The blonde didn’t want to be given everything for nothing; that wasn’t how the world was supposed to function. Ideally, it was supposed to be an equal trade. He couldn’t begin to imagine what he could do for the favors to be reciprocated; he had nothing to give. He didn’t think that his existence was worth enough, but it was all he had.

Letting out a long sigh, he rubbed his tired eyes with the heels of his hands. Eventually, he let them drop to his sides again and he stared at himself in the mirror with an annoyed crease in his brow. He didn’t like what he was feeling. It didn’t make much sense to him, but he couldn’t deny that it was there and refusing to leave. Running the sink, he waited for the water to warm up before using it to wash his face.

“Your nurse brought your pills,” Leon said as Cloud exited the bathroom.

“Okay,” the blonde said, shuffling over to the tiny table next to his bed. With wobbly limbs he slowly sat on the edge of his mattress and reached for the pill cup and his glass of water.

“How’re you feeling?” the brunette asked, watching his Charge carefully for signs of lies. If Leon had learned anything over the last several months, it was that Cloud didn’t always tell him how truly terrible he felt.

“Like my legs are made of jelly. And my jaw hurts,” the blonde muttered, shoving the handful of pills in his mouth before following it with an almost full glass of water.

“Well, that much is obvious, but I meant mentally. Will you be okay with moving? It’ll be completely different again once we’re home.”

“I don’t feel like I have any other choice but to be overwhelmed, so I suppose I’ll have to be okay with it,” Cloud said, stretching out in his bed.

“I suppose that’s true. You’re allowed to say if it’s too much, though. Culture shock is a very real thing and you’ll most certainly need to adjust.”

“Great. What’s so vastly different about it?”

“It’s difficult to explain,” Leon trailed, pursing his lips thoughtfully for a moment. “I suppose it’s set up similarly to a military base where everyone that works there lives there and does their jobs there. The Carrier/Charge pairs that involve women are kept in one building and the men are in another one. Why that needed to happen, I couldn’t say. But—“

“Wait, so they keep the men and women separate?”

“Sort of, yes. If a pair has a woman involved, even if the other half is a man, they are kept elsewhere.”

“That’s… sort of stupid. Are they trying to prevent a Midgar capitol situation where any random woman can just be grabbed and assaulted, or something?”

“Oh fuck no; that doesn’t happen there. I really don’t know why it is the way it is. I think when they expanded the facility and added the other building they needed a legitimate way to separate everyone and that was easiest. Maybe even the most equal as far as the group went. Half on one side, half on the other or something.”

“But it’s not like they’re imprisoned over there, right?”

“No. Everyone is free to wander around the facility grounds as they like.”

“Ah, okay. That sounds less strange, then. I was picturing bars on the windows and fat metal doors,” Cloud said, lifting his arms up above himself and grabbing the invisible bars to give them a shake. “But the women are safe there?”

“Oh yes. It’s not very often that anyone bothers any of us; let alone the women specifically. I appreciate how concerned you are about it, though.”

“Well you said ‘military base’ and roughly a hundred horror stories came to mind and I was trying to understand what you meant. I didn’t like living on the base.”

“That’s fair. I still appreciate it though.”

“Were you expecting me to be excited for the idea of keeping women imprisoned until someone decides to take them home and abuse them?” Cloud asked, his voice turning sharp as he glared up at the ceiling.

“I wasn’t sure what to think, honestly. There haven’t been many instances where I can agree with your views on women,” Leon said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Okay, but you thought I actually liked the way the capitol was run or whatever? I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t completely insulting.”

“No, I didn’t, but there’s a difference between what you’re describing and simply seeing women as things to appease men, which is what I did think you thought. Hearing you wish them freedom and equal treatment, even if just a little, was comforting.”

“Well fuck you, then. I’m not _that_ big of a dickhead.”

“You only have yourself to blame for my opinion of you, Cloud. You’re welcome to change it anytime.”

“Are you aware that half of my friends back home were women? They started out as Aerith’s, but then her friends and my friends started hanging around one another and we all just sort of came together as one group. They didn’t seem to have a problem with me.”

“One small selection of familiar girls doesn’t equate to the majority of the female race, you know.”

“I know that but I still can’t think of a time where I ever had a problem with my ‘views on women’ before you told me they were apparently wrong.”

“Because once you left your comfort zone, the women you were around were already conditioned to be afraid of you,” Leon said.

“But then how was I supposed to kn--- you know what? No. I’m not going to argue this. It’s just going to go in a circle and all it’ll accomplish is making me feel like a piece of shit. So, fuck you. End of discussion.”

“I was attempting to compliment you. You’re the one who had to question it.”

Cloud sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. “Fine. Whatever. Moving on,” he muttered. “So, tomorrow we get to ride in a van and then… what? We just start working somewhere?”

“For the first couple weeks we’ll get you settled in. Clothes, your room, and any extra things you may need will be taken care of. We’ll set up a rough schedule so you know what to expect for the remainder of your recovery. You’ll eventually start physical therapy and we need to keep up with your hemofiltration treatments. Once you have some semblance of strength back and can focus more, we’ll start getting you educated,” Leon said, standing from his seat on the sofa. He stretched his arms over his head and reached for the ceiling. Pressing his hands into the small of his back, he bent backwards at the waist and his spine let out a satisfying _pop_. “I’ll be glad to have an actual bed again.”

“Why didn’t they give you one? Reno got one.”

“Reno was broken. I’m… not, I guess.”

“So healthy people don’t get beds? Even if they spend months at the hospital with the sick people?”

“Healthy Carriers don’t get beds. Healthy people probably do.”

“You’re not a people?”

“Not here I’m not,” Leon said, bending over and reaching for his toes. He pressed his palms to the floor, feeling his legs stretch to accommodate the strain.

“I’m confused.”

“I’m a Carrier, Cloud. We’ve been over this.”

“I know that, but I don’t understand why you supposedly aren’t a person.”

“It’s hard to explain. You didn’t have two different types of humanoid beings where you came from, so I don’t expect you to understand fully. Not yet anyway. You probably will eventually. Just remember that I’m not completely human,” the brunette said gently, standing straight again. “I wasn’t born, I wasn’t raised, I don’t age, I don’t go bald, I can’t grow a beard just by not shaving, and sometimes I walk on four legs with a tail and too much hair. Therefore, in the eyes of the law and society, I am not human. I’m a thing. A manmade creation. Manmade things don’t have rights unless man tells them they do.”

“Babies are also manmade things, are they not?”

“But babies can be born naturally, and once they are, they have rights.”

“But you weren’t born?”

“Not in the same way humans are, no.”

“Were you just… assembled in a factory or something?”

“No. I was matured here, actually. In this compound.”

“… I don’t understand.”

“I can show you,” Leon said. He walked across the room and took up the blonde’s assigned wheelchair and pushed it near Cloud’s bed. His Charge slowly pulled himself up and shuffled off the bed and into his chair.

“I thought this place was a hospital,” the blonde said.

“It is. It’s just attached to a much bigger place that does a lot of other stuff. It makes Carriers, sends people to other worlds, does research, and helps people,” the brunette said, pushing his Charge through the door.

Cloud slouched in his seat, furrowing his brows together and trying to piece together what Leon was telling him. Their journey together to the inner depths of The Compound was quiet. Cloud felt that, the more questions he asked, the more confused he would be. Try as he might, he couldn’t make sense of the process Leon had explained to him or understand why being made a certain way meant that his Carrier wasn’t a person. What he was being told seemed incredibly sad, but the brunette’s lack of emotion towards the conversation told Cloud that Leon didn’t care about it much. Little did Cloud know that Leon was just slowly perfecting the art of hiding behind a mask of nothingness.

“Those… are a lot of tits and dicks,” the blonde said as he was wheeled through a pair of large double doors into the heart of The Compound. The room itself was a large space similar to an atrium with countless tubes and ropes of wire coming from the ceiling and branching out like tree roots. Each one led into a glass cylinder that had a naked person floating around in what he assumed was water. There were dozens of stations, far more than Cloud could count, and there were only a few people in white lab coats milling around like it was all normal.

“That’s one way of looking at it, I suppose,” Leon said.

“…I assume you came from here?”

“Yes I did. I was created. I wasn’t born.”

“I… okay,” Cloud said, his brows pushed together as he tried to absorb everything he was seeing. “They just… float around in there and grow?”

“More or less, yes.”

The blonde leaned forward in his seat and squinted. “There’re little kids in there.”

“Yes. Everyone starts out the same and we grow similarly to the way human babies do. But things change for us partway through the process and we stay in the chambers until we’re old enough to come out and be stable functioning adults.”

“This is really weird,” Cloud said, his head starting to ache.

“If you’ve never seen it before, it would be, yes. But this is normal. This is what we’ll be doing together when we can start working. We need more Carriers in order to complete our project.”

“Wait, so there is another one of these where we’re going?”

“Sort of, but not on this scale, no. We only have one chamber but we can have more if we need them.”

“Wh…” the blonde stammered, his voice trailing off. “I can’t do this. What makes you think I can? This is way over my head.”

“Right now it is, but it will eventually be second nature,” Leon said, stepping around into Cloud’s line of sight. The blonde gave him pleading eyes, quietly begging him to make sense of the mess that was running through his head. “You’re just going to have to believe me when I tell you it’ll be okay. You’ll get it,” the brunette said.

“I’d like to believe you, but…”

“Cloud, I’ve told you before that you’re the only one that thinks you’re stupid. It will take time, but you will learn this. You have all the time in the world to do it, too.”

“You say that but I’m sure I’ll be old and useless by the time it makes sense.”

“I promise you that you won’t be old and useless. Ever.”

“…Ever?”

“Ever.”

“Everyone gets old.”

“Old in number maybe, but your body won’t decay just because time passes. We have ways of making you live far beyond what you’d expect. In about thirty years or so, you’ll understand. When you aren’t getting wrinkles and your hair isn’t going white, it’ll make a lot more sense. Again, all it takes is time. You have to be patient.”

“I was never very good at being patient.”

“Honestly? I’m not either. The irony of this conversation is pretty thick for me.”

“Oh. Great,” Cloud said, letting out a tiny dry and sarcastic laugh. Leon stepped back and let him take in the rows and rows of growing Carriers again. The blonde sighed, massaging his temple with one hand and a tiny frown. “Can we go back to the room?” he asked.

“Sure,” Leon said, taking hold of the wheelchair’s handles.

 

\--------------

 

The next morning was a rush of activity as countless numbers of people came through Cloud’s room to check him over in varying ways. He didn’t like being poked and prodded, but Leon assured him that it was temporary and they just wanted to make sure he was okay before they left. Several people stopped in to talk to Leon specifically, though, which made Cloud nervous. He didn’t like that he couldn’t understand anyone and wondered what unpleasant plans were being concocted without his consent.

By midmorning, they were ready to leave. Feeling anxious, Cloud kept to himself and didn’t say much. He did as he was told and let Leon push him around in his wheelchair without protest. The Carrier didn’t know what to think. He was sure that his Charge would’ve had something to say, but he had been silent for most of the day. Leon didn’t like that he couldn’t see what his Charge was feeling, but he figured it wasn’t any different than any other day.

“Ah, I forgot the vans don’t have windows,” Leon sighed as they made their way to the vehicle that would take them all the way back to their facility. Cloud didn’t notice; he was too busy looking around at the bland landscaping and the wiggly iridescent sky through the glass of the dome overhead.

“Why does that matter?” the blonde asked.

“Well it makes for a very boring trip, for one. But I’m mostly concerned about your wonderful ability to get motion sickness in just about every vehicle in existence.”

“Ones on the ground are fine. Ones in the air and in the water can go to hell, though.”

“Yes, but the reason people get motion sickness is because your body is confused with itself. Your head thinks it should be moving one way but your body feels like it’s moving another way and the feelings get crossed and weird. If you don’t have a visual reminder of how you’re moving, your brain is more likely to be confused and cause problems.”

“…Oh. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a car that didn’t have windows.”

“Right. My point exactly.”

“How long is the ride?”

“Several hours.”

“I don’t want to puke for several hours.”

“I don’t want you to either.”

“So what’s the solution?”

“I don’t know. I’ll go ask. One second,” Leon said, putting the brake on the wheelchair and leaving his Charge to go find a Technician to talk to.

Cloud frowned a bit and slumped in his seat, tapping his fingertips on his armrest impatiently. The anxiousness he felt was already making him feel a little sick and he just wanted to get to where they needed to be. As he waited, he looked around and tried to understand how his new homeland functioned. The most curious part was the dome overhead. The very obvious panels of glass confused him and he wondered why they were necessary. He could remember Leon telling him about a huge war that happened a long time ago, but the specifics escaped him. He tried to focus and look past the waviness to see if he could recognize anything familiar. He couldn’t.

“Here,” Leon said abruptly, holding his hand out to his Charge when he returned. Cloud’s attention snapped to him and he looked in his Carrier’s palm. There was a tiny yellow pill. In his other hand was a bottle of water.

“This little thing will solve all my puke problems?” the blonde asked, holding his hand out for the capsule. Leon let it roll off his palm into his Charge’s.

“Temporarily, yes.”

“Huh…” Cloud huffed, taking the water bottle as well.

“By the time the Technicians get their bullshit together and we finally leave, it should settle in and you’ll be good for a while.”

“I didn’t know such a thing existed,” the blonde said, upending the pill and then the water into his mouth.

“I have no idea if it did in Midgar. I never really went out and tried to dig through pharmacy supplies when I was over there. Most of my personal experience with your country was in prison.”

“Very true. It was an okay place if you lived way out in the middle of nowhere and were a little kid or an old person. You were sort of fucked if you weren’t either of those things.”

“Can’t argue with that. Here, we tend to have a lot of pills that fix a lot of problems. You’d be surprised what we can do with them. Shitting blood? There’s a pill for that. Flesh eating bacteria boring holes into your limbs? There’s one for that too.”

“Metal in your blood? Apparently there’s one for that too.”

“Indeed.”

“Is there one that’ll help you sleep through the night?”

“Yes. Many of them.”

“Is there a way I could get some? I’d like to try that one day.”

“It’s very possible. Do you wake up often, still?”

“Yeah. Sometimes I remember doing it, but I know I never feel very rested so it probably happens more often than I think,” Cloud sighed.

“I see. Well, when we get home I’ll see what I can dig up. The facility will probably have something in storage you can try. If it helps, then great. If not, we can ask for something stronger,” Leon said simply.

“Really?” the blonde asked, looking up at his Carrier properly. The brunette gave him a tiny shrug.

“Sure. I don’t see why not.”


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 77

“Get out of the van, Cloud,” Leon sighed, holding his hand out to his Charge as the blonde hesitated and hung onto the door. Cloud’s eyes were fixed on the building behind his Carrier; they were wide and uncertain.

“You said this place wasn’t a prison,” the blonde muttered angrily, feeling betrayed.

“Because it isn’t,” the brunette grumbled.

“Look at it! It’s huge, gray, and square! It’s a fucking prison!”

“No, it’s just a building that is very functional. It’s not meant to be pretty. I’m sorry we can’t have nice gardens and architecture like Nibelheim.”

“It’s a fucking prison,” Cloud repeated under his breath as he hopped out of the van, hanging onto the door as he did so. A sharp pain abruptly shot up his foot. “Ah! Fuck!” he barked crankily.

“What happened?” Leon asked, immediately concerned.

“A rock in my foot is what happened,” the blonde said, bending back to look as he brought his foot up for inspection. There wasn’t any blood. He sighed.

“Sounds like we’re off to a good start,” the Carrier said with a dry chuckle as he hefted himself back into the van to retrieve his Charge’s wheelchair. He brought it outside the vehicle and unfolded it for the blonde to sit in. Cloud plopped down with a grumpy huff. Leon pulled the plastic crate Ansem had given him out of the van as well and set it in the blonde’s lap.

“I feel like I’ve been tricked,” Cloud murmured.

“Well, you haven’t, so get over it. Why are you suddenly so cranky? You were fine the entire way here,” Leon clipped, taking hold of the wheelchair’s handles. He started wheeling Cloud towards the front door of the facility.

“Because I feel like I’ve been tricked. Do you have cotton in your ears or something? Did I not _just_ say that?”

“I heard you, but I didn’t think you were so concerned about appearances.”

“I am when things appear to be a fucking prison.”

“Can I ask you what the difference is between a ‘prison’ and a ‘fucking prison?’ Because the latter sounds sort of terrifying but also something that could be enjoyable depending on the context.”

“Fuck you.”

“Well, if this is a fucking prison then we’re headed in the right direction, so we’ll see how this goes.”

“I hate you so much right now.”

“Only right now? That’s disappointing. I thought it was always. Now who’s the one being tricked?”

“If I had something sharp, it would been in your neck by now.”

“I think it’s a little early in this marriage to be threatening bodily harm. You should calm down.”

“Wh—you—f--!” Cloud sputtered, twisting around in his seat with his fist raised. Leon immediately stepped back several feet as the blonde’s swing whizzed past his stomach. The brunette laughed as his Charge glared daggers at him with bright red cheeks. After a moment of only mildly threatening staring, the blonde turned back and sat in his seat properly, folding his arms over his chest angrily.

“Are you done now?” Leon asked. Cloud didn’t answer him. “You’re being childish. You weren’t tricked and this isn’t a prison. I promise.”

“Just put me inside wherever I’m supposed to be,” the blonde spat.

“I’ll try my best to find where we’re going quickly,” the Carrier said. He stepped back to the wheelchair and leaned over the blonde, taking up the tablet from the crate in his lap. He poked at it until it woke up and showed him the email screen he had been looking at previously. The message had Cloud’s room number on it and Leon tried to mentally formulate a path to take with little success.

“What do you mean ‘try to find it’?” Cloud asked.

“This place is a maze if you haven’t tried to find your way around in a while.”

“Oh that sounds fun. If I starve to death, it’s because I got lost.”

“It’s not _that_ bad,” Leon said, putting the tablet back in the crate. He started wheeling Cloud towards the door again. “It just doesn’t make any sense. I think they just add on to the building when they need it and don’t worry about layout all that much. There’re bedrooms in between labs, in between maintenance places, in between exits, and the cafeteria. There’re a couple stair cases too. You’ll get used to it.”

“Hopefully. I don’t know how to ask anyone for directions yet.”

“That is a fair point,” Leon said pushing the blonde through the front entrance. “I’ll make sure you know where some key places are so you can find me if you need to. My room, the lab, the cafeteria, and outside are really the only places I care about.”

“Okay,” the blonde said, looking up and down the long white and gray hallway. There wasn’t anyone else around that he could see even though he could hear people in the distance. So far, he was unimpressed.

Through winding hallways and around countless corners they went, passing foreign door after foreign door, with the occasional foreign person. Leon tried to explain things as best he could even though he wasn’t sure Cloud was retaining any of it. His Charge had gotten eerily quiet as they traveled together and the brunette wondered how much of his recent behavior was fueled by fear. There was a very obvious sense of uncertainty that passed through Cloud’s features whenever Leon could catch a glance at his face. In some ways, it was comforting to see. The blonde was constantly flipping between angry and neutral, but not much else. ‘Uncertainty’ was the most expressive his Charge had been in a very long time.

“Oh,” Cloud said when Leon opened the door to the blonde’s new bedroom. The presence of actual discernible furniture helped break the idea of the facility being a prison and he was relieved.

“Oh?” the brunette questioned, wheeling his Charge in and putting the brakes on the wheelchair.

“I expected something a lot smaller and with like… a cot. Not a bed.”

“I told you this wasn’t a prison.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t convinced.”

“Clearly. You’re free to get up and look around. I’m going to call Zack and Tifa,” Leon said. He took the crate and set it near the door so Cloud could stand. After that, he crossed the room and stepped into the tiny space that held Cloud’s Catalogue Terminal. It didn’t take him long to plug himself in and ring up Zack and Tifa’s lab.

“Well! You’re the last person I expected a call from. Welcome home,” Zack said with a wide smile.

“Thanks. We haven’t been here long. Figured I should let you know we’re not dead,” Leon said dryly.

“I can appreciate that. How’s Cloud?”

“Much better,” Leon said, turning in his seat to look out into the bedroom proper. Cloud was out of his chair and opening and closing his varying pieces of metal furniture. The armoire, the chest of drawers, and the side tables next to his bed; nothing went untouched. “He’s currently wandering around like a confused baby giraffe.”

“That elicits a very specific picture.”

“Well it’s true. He’s been stuck in the bed for so long that his legs don’t work so great anymore. He’s a bit wobbly.”

“Is he going to get physical therapy?”

“Yeah. At some point. Too soon to say when.”

“Good, good,” Zack said, leaning back in his seat. Leon searched the screen for a familiar set of hips and long hair but he couldn’t see any.

“Where’s Tifa?” he asked.

“Ah, her estrous cycle ended the day before yesterday and since then she’s been in the bed because her human cycle is trying to kill her, or so she says. She’ll be okay in a couple days, but until then, I keep my distance.”

“Smart man.”

“There is literally nothing I can do for her and she doesn’t want to be touched. So my usefulness is pretty spent for the week. I’m okay with it. Taking a break is healthy.”

“A break from Tifa or a break after her estrous cycle?”

“Both, really.”

“I didn’t think I’d ever hear you say such a thing.”

“Eh, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if you spend too much time together you eventually want to kill each other. The only reason I think our relationship is so healthy is because we get three or four days apart every month.”

“Only Tifa gets to spend it with her innards falling out of her.”

“That’s only the first couple days. Once she’s over it she spends the rest of the time by herself in only _mild_ pain. At least that’s what she tells me. I just think she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me to fuck off.”

“Very possible,” Leon agreed. Zack shrugged his indifference.

“Anyway, what do you two have planned for the day? You missed lunch,” the man said.

Leon shrugged. “I have no idea. I don’t know what Cloud feels up to doing. He might just want to sleep once he’s done figuring everything out in his room.”

“I don’t blame him. Figuring is taxing.”

“For him it really is. He’s already overwhelmed but he isn’t really telling me what he’s feeling so I can’t tell if he’s reaching his limit. I’d rather not drag him around everywhere and have him pass out on me. I’m tired of carrying him.”

“I can appreciate that. If you guys decide to go anywhere, let me know. I’ve been cooped up in here for the last two days without company; I could use some air.”

“Sure. The most we’ll probably do today is get him measured for some clothing. Maybe.”

“Sounds good. Talk to you later possibly.”

“Alright,” Leon said, giving Zack a tiny wave as he ended their transmission. He sighed, unplugging himself from the terminal. His mind was already rereading his to-do list to him, reminding him that there was a mountain of tasks to tackle. He shuffled out of the tiny room back into the bedroom proper where Cloud had spread himself out on his bed face-first.

“It’s like a giant pillow,” the blonde murmured, his words muffled by his comforter.

“Comfortable?” Leon asked.

“Mhm. Hospital beds are shit.”

“Yes they are.”

Cloud turned his face and rubbed his cheek against the blanket with a tiny sigh. “Why is this so nice? It seems excessive.”

“What do you mean?” the brunette asked, taking a seat on the corner of the mattress.

“It’s way too soft. More than the beds in the village or in Balamb.”

“Is it?” Leon questioned, pressing his hands into the bed. He couldn’t tell the difference between any of the beds he had slept on. Then again, he could fall asleep just about anywhere with only minor inconvenience so it probably didn’t matter.

“Yeah. It’s like… a cloud,” the blonde said. An amused grin threatened to spread across Leon’s face at the ironic statement but his Charge fixed a glare on him. “Don’t even say anything,” Cloud growled.

“I didn’t say a word. No need to get angry.”

“I know what you were thinking. Stop it.”

“Okay. I did.”

“Liar.”

“No, really, I’m over it,” Leon insisted, his smile dissipating. The blonde stared him down for another minute before relenting and relaxing again.

“It really is too nice, though.”

“It feels like a regular mattress to me.”

“Because these are normal for you.”

“I guess? If it’s nicer than the ones in the village or in Balamb then I can’t say if you’re right or not. I didn’t stay here very long before I left to go find you.”

“Yeah, well, my mattress back home wasn’t much more than a fat cotton pad on a board that you had to beat into being fluffy again every few days. Then I went from that to what felt like a bag of rocks on the base. The one in the prison wasn’t terrible, and the other ones after that were fine, I guess. This one is above those, though.”

“Your analysis of the varying mattresses in your life is fascinating.”

“I sleep a lot. It’s hard not to notice this stuff.”

“A fair point. Is this one _too_ soft?”

“No, no. I like it,” Cloud said, propping himself up on his elbows and balancing his chin on his hands. “I just…” the blonde attempted before his words disappeared into a heavy sigh. “I don’t know.”

“What don’t you know?”

“Why it bothers me that I can have this.”

“Why wouldn’t you be allowed to?”

“I don’t think that I’m not allowed to have it… it’s that I probably shouldn’t.”

“It’s yours whether you want it or deserve it, so you should probably get over that.”

“Yeah…” Cloud agreed, pulling a pillow down from the head of the bed. He hugged it to his face and sighed. After a somewhat uncomfortable silence, he forced the awkward feeling aside and tried to ignore it. “Why is this thing so huge, though? I’m just one person,” he asked.

“It’s built for two, really. For you it’s just bonus space.”

“Oh.”

“And, just so you know, there’s a switch next to the bed that heats the mattress if it’s too cold,” Leon said.

“No way,” Cloud said, his eyes going huge with surprise. He suddenly pushed himself up and crawled across the bed to the opposite side. Hanging over the edge, he scanned the bed frame and the wall next to it for buttons. They weren’t very difficult to find and there were only two. He pressed one and he could hear a light hum coming from the underside of the bed that told him it was working. Rolling towards the pillows, he pulled down the covers and scooted under them, squishing his face into the abundance of fluff.

“Should I assume you’re going to stay here for the rest of the day? Or did you actually want to get some stuff done?” Leon asked, humored by his Charge’s sudden love affair with the blankets and pillows.

“What stuff do we need to do?” Cloud asked.

“We should probably get you some clothing. Zack wants to come with us. We should say hello.”

“Maybe.”

“We can take our time with it, though. If you’re too tired, we can do it tomorrow.”

“This bed is making it difficult for me to feel motivated to do anything.”

“Are you actually tired, though?”

“I’m _always_ tired.”

“I see. Well, then I think it’d be best if you force yourself to accomplish something today because it sounds like you’ll have to force yourself to be productive all the time. You can be tired afterward.”

“Yeah, probably,” the blonde agreed. The heat from under the mattress started to radiate up against his skin and he could already feel his eyes getting heavy. “Oh man, this bed.”

Leon laughed a little under his breath. “I’ll be honest and say that seeing you like this is very strange. I’m so used to you being angry at everything.”

“Mhm,” his Charge hummed, ignoring whatever it was the brunette was talking about. Leon leaned to the side so he could see the blonde’s face from around the pillows and he raised a brow. The blonde’s eyes had closed and it was now abundantly clear that they weren’t going to get anywhere for the rest of the afternoon; if not the rest of the day.

Leon took that as his cue to leave. He would check in every hour or so to make sure Cloud didn’t wake up without anyone to translate for him or help him move around if he wanted to leave his room. But until then, he decided to find their lab and assess what Ansem had sent them. He was pleased with his findings.

The lab smelled clean and looked as if it had never been used before. Everything was immaculate and Leon felt a lump form in his chest he couldn’t quite understand. He felt… heavy. He had survived and made it home in one piece. Now that he was there he knew what he had to do, but the overwhelming feeling of having a fresh start kept him from remembering what it was. With shaking hands, he pulled a chair over to the exam table in the middle of the space and sat. He spent the next few minutes just looking around at everything and trying to calm his anxiety.

A fresh start would’ve felt better had he had someone else to talk to; a family member who could relate to him. But he had nothing, and it was his job to make everything. He had known what his goal was his entire life, but now that he had to start working on it, he found it extremely daunting. Turning a page to jump into a new chapter in his life felt almost like he was betraying the past.

He wondered if he would ever forget any of the people he had happened across, and if he did, would he be better for it? Would putting everything behind him, the good and the bad, really make a difference? Is there betrayal in moving on? Leon didn’t know. All he knew was that when he thought about it, it was very upsetting. He wanted to forget, but at the same time he didn’t. More specifically, he wanted to forget just about everything except for Zell and the genuine happiness his friend had given him.

Leon had never really mourned his loss. He always had a more pressing subject to focus on rather than trying to overcome the grief properly. He hadn’t cried, he hadn’t reminisced about the good-old-times, and he hadn’t started thinking of Zell in the past tense. It was as if he had just been waiting for his friend to suddenly appear in front of him again and everything would be okay, even though he knew it wasn’t going to happen. Coming full circle to where everything had started helped solidify the need to move on and say goodbye properly, but Leon was too afraid to do it.

The brunette could feel the backs of his eyes starting to sting, but he stopped himself by taking a deep breath and forcing himself to think of nothing. No. He refused to break apart over something he should’ve been over more than a year ago. He had missed his opportunity to be sad about it; now was the time for work. Control had been a huge part of his motivation when he had first set out to find Cloud, and now it needed to take the forefront of his thoughts again if he was to get anywhere. He just needed to not think about it and eventually the feelings would fade, right? That seemed easy enough.

Standing again, Leon slowly walked several laps around his lab with his hands folded behind his back, taking in the machinery he would have to relearn. In the corner, back by his supply closet, was the digital blackboard he would use to teach Cloud. It was portable and could be wheeled anywhere the Carrier needed it to be and he made a mental note to take it to his room at some point. Next to that was a grey box on wheels that housed the hemofiltration machine and blood testing equipment his Charge would need to use for the next year. There was also a box of some basic supplies and the things Cloud would need, such as his Signet.

However, the most entertaining thing there was his growing table. As Ansem had promised, the setup had arrived shortly before they had made it back to the facility, according to the delivery label. Leon was very pleased with the idea that he could do something else with his time and possibly grow something no one else had seen before. He couldn’t guess what the Shumi had given him; a flower, a vegetable, a fruit, or maybe just a bush. He was eager to get started, but he knew he couldn’t just yet.

For now, he needed to get organized and wait for Cloud to wake up.

 

\--------------------------------------------------

 

Cloud could appreciate how fresh the air smelled in his new home. As Leon wheeled him along down the path leading away from the facility, he kept his eyes upwards and watched the dome overhead move with them. He found the environment very interesting and wondered how normal it actually was beneath the surface. Part of him was afraid of what he would find if he dug past the initial details, but at the same time he was excited to see it.

Zack was with them. Leon had kept to his word and invited the other Charge to go with them when they went into town to get Cloud’s clothing situation under control. Cloud was thankful for the familiar companionship; he didn’t really like spending every second of every day with just Leon. His Carrier wasn’t very much fun, and at the very least Zack could hold a conversation that didn’t dissolve into petty bickering.

“I heard you have a massive hard on for your bed,” Zack said with a bit of a laugh.

Cloud shrugged. “What can I say? It touched me in all the right places,” he said.

“Sleeping for fourteen hours without the assistance of medication is pretty good considering your recent track record,” Leon remarked.

“I don’t actually remember how that happened. I remember talking to you and then… nothing.”

“That’s essentially how it happened. You fell asleep mid conversation.”

“Oh. Oops.”

“I wasn’t offended. It let me get some work done.”

“You don’t have to babysit me all the time.”

“I wouldn’t feel the need to if I was allowed to throw you into stasis so you could learn the language,” Leon said dryly.

“When can you? I’d like to hold my own conversations sometime soon.”

“When your hemofiltration is done. The Technicians don’t want to run the risk of interference from the weird metals floating around in you, so they’re keeping you out of it until you’re better. If we do it too soon it could actually kill you instead of help you.”

“Ah, okay. I don’t actually understand what you said exactly but I do understand that I’m still too fucked up to do it so we have to wait.”

“Basically,” Leon said.

“I had to wait a few years too. Don’t worry about it,” Zack interjected.

Cloud glanced up at him for a moment and then looked down at his hands. “I’m not really worried; I just want to get it done with so I can stop thinking about it.”

“Thinking about it?” the other Charge asked.

“Yeah. I want it to happen and then have it be twenty years later to see if it actually is what you say it is. I’m curious.”

“I understand that feeling completely. I felt the same way. I promise it is what everyone says it is, though. If that makes you feel better.”

“It doesn’t, really. I’m still skeptical.”

“Fair enough. Time will tell, for sure. Until then, I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” Zack said.

The pair shared light conversation between them as they continued on together towards the city. Leon didn’t get to say much, but he didn’t mind. Cloud found the architecture was just as boring as the facility had been and was somewhat disappointed. He had hoped his new home would’ve been interesting, but the reality seemed very drab. He couldn’t tell the function from one building to the next and he wondered if there was even anything to do in the city proper or if it was just there for appearances; he was banking on the latter.

They passed by several residences and small businesses and something caught Cloud’s attention in between the buildings. He followed it with his eyes and leaned back in his seat to keep it in view as long as possible. Leon stopped walking, taking the hint that something was up, and followed where his Charge was looking. Zack did the same.

“What are those kids doing in there?” Cloud asked, his brows furrowing together. The children in question weren’t being very interesting, but they did exist in a very strange place. They were just loitering amongst the recycle bins and dumpsters that facilitated the few shops that were nearby. They didn’t have any shoes and it was clear that neither of them had bathed in a while from the stains on their clothing and skin. One looked to be in his very early teens and the other was a younger girl that was maybe two or three years behind him. They were sitting together, talking.

“They’re hanging around in an alleyway holding a conversation,” Leon said with a tone that implied he knew he was stating the obvious. He wasn’t sure why Cloud had taken a sudden interest in the scene, but he was curious to humor him and find out.

“They’re probably homeless,” Zack said. The brunette was surprised and raised his brows at the other Charge confusedly.

“Really? I didn’t think this dome was so bad they just let children live on the streets. I mean, I knew it wasn’t exactly the wealthiest area, but…”

“Yeah I know. A little over ten years ago there was an outbreak of a food borne illness that really hit us hard. This dome isn’t really equipped to help such a volume of people suddenly needing treatment and there was _a lot_ of upset. People died from their symptoms but the riots that broke out when the government didn’t step in to help was what really did the most damage,” the man explained. He turned and pointed off into the distance towards the city proper. “The old apartment district downtown is mostly abandoned and in disrepair. People were killed, most people moved away, families were separated, businesses closed; it was a right clusterfuck.”

“I had no idea,” Leon said.

“There were a few instances where the riots moved close to the facilities because the people were starting to demand that the Charges come out and help them. They figured that, since we can take care of Carriers, we must be capable of being everyone’s doctor. Nothing much came of it, but there were some fights,” Zack continued.

“Did anyone help them?” Cloud asked with a crease in his brow. His eyes were still glued the alleyway.

“Some volunteered to look over the really sick ones and the kids that were involved, but it was overwhelming and the Technicians stepped in to make everyone stop. The public responded by ripping the doors off a couple of the sheds to get at our supplies. I can’t say I blame them.”

“Why didn’t the government step in?” Leon asked. He was extremely bothered to hear that such violence and civil neglect could happen at his doorstep.

“Honestly? I’m not sure. I do know that there was a media blackout for a while when it started but you’d think someone would make a call to another dome or something. The media isn’t the only way to get information across.”

“That’s very strange,” the brunette said. Zack nodded his agreement.

“It bothers me that your government doesn’t make sure that its people have their basic needs met,” Cloud said. “Midgar may have been full of assholes and twisted policies, but at least people had a roof to live under, clothes to wear, and food to eat. This…” the blonde motioned to the homeless children with a sweep of his hand. “This didn’t happen. Especially not to kids.”

“Yeah… I don’t really understand it either,” Zack agreed. “Tifa tries to explain politics to me sometimes but my idea of what a government should be gets in the way a lot and I tend to just get angry about it.”

“I can see why,” Cloud said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“The fact that it obviously hasn’t improved over such a length of time is what bothers me more than anything,” Leon said.

“The outbreak only lasted about a month, but the riots lasted for a lot longer. By the time the government started paying attention, I’m sure they just wrote it off as poor people being mad about being poor and brushed it aside. Assuming they ever paid attention, that is. Most of the non-profit organizations were driven out because the chaos overtook just about everything, so any help these kids might’ve gotten doesn’t really exist anymore,” Zack explained.

“Why don’t the Technicians do something? There’s a huge building up on a hill I know about that could probably house a few people,” Cloud said with cynicism dripping from his words.

“Running a charity costs a lot of money and I’m sure the Technicians don’t feel that one dome’s civil issues are their responsibility. At least, I _think_ it was just our dome that caught it. I didn’t hear of anyone else’s getting sick. Regardless, we are working to help the greater good by attempting to replenish our burnt-out planet with life and stability. The end goal is to get the world where it was before it was torn up by The War, if not better. We’re already more or less a giant charity in that regard; to add to it would just detract from our purpose.”

“That still doesn’t give a house to anyone that needs it now.”

“It doesn’t, but it does mean that our resources are needed elsewhere. It’s a really shitty reality, but a reality none the less.”

“Somehow I doubt that there isn’t extra money flying around somewhere,” Cloud grumbled. He heaved a sigh and ran a hand over his face, forcing his attention forward. “Can we just go and get this over with?” he asked angrily.

“Yeah,” Leon agreed readily, continuing on.

 

\----------------------------------

 

“I don’t think I’ve argued with an old woman so much in my entire life,” Leon said, furrowing his brows.

The threesome was heading back to the facility since Cloud’s shopping was finished. Shoes had been done first, and the blonde just got done picking out the rest of his attire after being measured. Cloud was quiet and his face was still pink from embarrassment. Things hadn’t gone well behind the curtain with his seamstress. He impatiently tapped his fingers against his wheelchair’s armrest.

“I don’t really know why she was having such a hard time understanding the concept of ‘a half-size bigger,’” Zack commented with a tiny sigh.

“She might’ve had a hard time hearing us for all we know.”

“I don’t think so. I think she was just stubborn. I’m sure she doesn’t get requests like that very often. She’s probably just used to measuring people and being done with it.”

“Do you think she’s used to backhanding people’s dicks? Because I feel like she is,” Cloud grumbled.

“She said that was an accident, Cloud,” Leon said.

“An accident, and then she questions why I like my pants a half size bigger? Right. I’m sure.”

Zack laughed, his hand quickly coming up to muffle the sound. “She sounded so surprised, though. ‘Oh! I didn’t expect it to be _there_. Good for you!’” he said, imitating the elderly woman between snickers.

“Shut up,” the blonde spat, holding his face in his hands. The tips of his ears were turning red again.

“If you had just taken your pants off when she asked, she probably wouldn’t have smacked you in the junk to get your inseam; she would’ve had some warning. I’m just saying,” Leon said with a shrug.

“Both of you shut up,” Cloud growled.

“Aw, lighten up. It was pretty funny,” Zack insisted.

“For you maybe.”

“Right. For me.”

“Alright, alright, alright, I’m done with this conversation,” Leon interjected, waving a dismissive hand.

“Thank you,” the blonde murmured, slouching in his seat with his arms folded over his chest. “What else are we doing today?”

“There are a couple tests I need to run on you, and then we need to get you acquainted with the facility and what we’re going to be doing. Also, we need to go over your Charge contract.”

“Whatever that means.”

“Before today is over you should understand, don’t worry.”

“Hopefully.”

“What sorts of tests haven’t you done already? The hospital didn’t do them all?” Zack questioned.

Leon shrugged. “Apparently there are a couple allergy tests they didn’t run or something. They did the ones for medications but not the ones for food, non-food proteins, and environmental.”

“Ah. Sort of hard to be allergic to meat, potatoes, and salad; that’s basically what all hospital food is.”

“We also need to do the ones for things specific to dry African biomes.”

“I forgot about those. Ecosystem ones suck.”

“What are they?” Cloud asked.

“Leon’s basically going to stab a bunch of insect venom into your arm and see if any of it kills you,” Zack said simply.

Leon reached over and smacked the other Charge on the bicep. “It’s not that violent, stop it,” he spat. Zack laughed.

“I have yet to see any bugs here. Do I really need that?” Cloud asked.

“Yes. The test results will be relevant far into the future and we might need to do them again, but there are general ones we’re going to do today for things that probably won’t change much over time. It’s an unfortunate consequence of you coming from a world that’s so different from this one,” Leon said.

“Lucky me.”

“It’s really not as bad as Zack makes it sound.”

“Somehow I don’t believe you.”

“Whether or not you want to believe me or him is irrelevant; it needs to happen anyway.”

The blonde sighed. “Yeah, okay.”

As they walked, Cloud kept a sharp eye out for more children randomly wandering the streets. He found it deeply disturbing that no one was doing anything to help them, and he could feel the quiet seething that was forming under his skin. His information on the politics of his new home was completely nonexistent, so he wasn’t really sure who he should be angry at but he was angry regardless.

If Midgar could make sure every child had a place to grow up in, then it made no sense why any other government couldn’t. Granted, Cloud understood that he paid for his happy childhood later in life, but had he had a choice, he still would’ve picked that option rather than living without safety. He didn’t think everyone needed luxury and anything they could ask for, but children shouldn’t have to question their survival on a daily basis. For him, a home, clothes, and food were rights. Not privileges.

Over the course of their journey, the blonde saw six neglected children hanging around in what he considered deplorable conditions. There were adults with a couple of them, but they didn’t seem to be in much better shape. One of the alleyways they passed had formed a miniature community with what seemed to be two families. They had built up small makeshift shelters with whatever semi-clean refuse they could find and seemed happier than most despite their lack of general necessities. But even if such places existed amongst the homeless populace, Cloud didn’t feel it was enough.

Once they were back at the facility, the blonde didn’t speak much. Even through all the poking prodding Leon had to do to him, he was quiet. He supposed he should’ve been happy that none of the things his Carrier had done to him had killed him, but the feelings were overshadowed with swirling thoughts of children possibly dying in the streets while he sat in his nice new bed, waiting for his new clothes to arrive, and his sufficient food to be brought to him. Needless to say, he didn’t eat much for dinner and his night wasn’t nearly as restful as the previous one.

He welcomed any distraction Leon would give him, and though his Carrier appreciated the willingness to participate, his Charge’s silence wasn’t lost on him. Had he known what had happened to the city while he was gone he would’ve tried to warn Cloud in advance, but he didn’t. A part of him felt guilty for not researching very many current events when he had a chance to, but it was too late for it now.

Leon did feel the same as Cloud about everything, though. It bothered him almost as much as it did his Charge, but he didn’t want to bring it up and upset the blonde more. He had no solutions to offer him and he didn’t think that talking about it would help matters; it would just reiterate that they couldn’t do anything. He could only hope that his Charge would eventually move past it and try to learn the rest of their culture regardless of what the government displayed in front of him.


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78

“God, your hair is stupid,” Tifa said with a tiny shake of her head. With scissors in hand, she was prepared to do what Leon had been waiting all his life for: she was going to cut Cloud’s hair. If Zack hadn’t been there first, and it was legal for them to, Leon would’ve proposed to the woman simply because she was willing to tackle such a monumental task. Her bravery knew no bounds.

“Hey…” Cloud said with a frown. “I can’t help that it has a mind of its own.”

“No, but you could just shave your head and spare me the heartache,” Tifa said.

“He probably wants to hide all the lumps he has from when he was dropped on his head as a child,” Leon said nonchalantly, scrolling through the news feed on Cloud’s tablet. The blonde’s eyes snapped to him with surprise.

“Was I really?” he asked confusedly.

Leon laughed. “No. You fell off a chair once when you were three but that was your own damn fault.”

“I’m scared by your ability to remember everything about my life. Like even the stupid details like that,” Cloud admitted.

“Some of them I try to forget but my brain doesn’t let me. Believe me; if I could I would. I’m completely aware of how weird it is to have an encyclopedic knowledge of everything I see.”

“Don’t worry. I remember a lot of stupid things too,” Tifa said, taking up a comb so she could pull Cloud’s hair wherever she needed it to be. The mass of yellowy gold was already damp and primed for her abuse.

“At the Compound, I had a Technician dare me to find a Carrier with a bad memory. I guess he was right.”

“Having a good memory and being able to remember what Zack had for breakfast thirty years ago are two entirely different things.”

“I suppose that’s true. No matter how you look at it, we’re still weird.”

“Yeah,” Tifa agreed, raking the comb through Cloud’s hair and pulling everything backwards.

“It freaks me out every time you talk about me like that, though,” the blonde said.

“I try not to, but sometimes I can’t help myself. My apologies,” Leon said.

“You can apologize all you like but I still think you’re a creep.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“I cried when Zack was born. Did you cry when Cloud was?” Tifa interjected curiously.

“No. I was too busy being horrified by the amount of blood pouring out of his mother.”

“Oh. Well. That’s…”

“It took me a minute to remember to follow after him.”

“Yeah, I’d be a bit upset too.”

“I was also sort of waiting for the soldiers that took him away to light him on fire or something.”

“ _What?!_ ” Cloud spat, scrunching his face up in disgust. “Why would they do that?”

“Because your mother tricked me with her last baby and had a girl that they immediately disposed of like she was an old tissue. So I was trying to determine if your penis was an actual penis or if it was a figment of my imagination. You might not like it, but I’m sort of thankful it actually exists. Kind of,” Leon said, his eyes still scanning the news feed with little excitement in his expression and voice.

“See, when I call you a creep—“  
“I’m happy it exists because it means you’re not dead. That is literally the only reason you’re alive right now and didn’t get tossed into an incinerator right after you were born.”

“Really?”

“Really. At least, that’s what I assume the soldiers meant when they said to burn your sister once they saw she wasn’t male.”

“Oh. I didn’t think things were _that_ bad. Where did Jessie come from if they burn all the girls? Shouldn’t she have been killed?” Cloud asked confusedly.

“I have no idea. I assume she wasn’t born in the capitol, or if she was, it was after her mother already had a son. According to your father, the government should’ve let him and your mother keep any children after you because you were all the government wanted,” Leon explained.

“Should’ve?”

“Your father was from Balamb, if you recall. He technically had rights because he was a Midgar soldier but he most certainly wasn’t allowed to use them. The government took your younger sister too. I don’t know how or why, but they did. I was too busy paying attention to you when it happened.”

“Hm,” Cloud hummed thoughtfully, watching the floor.

“Tell me what you’re thinking. I’m curious,” Leon said.

The blonde shrugged. “I’m trying to see if I can remember a time where I was told about how the capitol worked other than the way the women were treated. I can’t think of anything.”

“It’s not important anymore so I wouldn’t think too hard on it. I already did all the thinking about it for you. Take my word when I say you’d be better off unaware.”

“I suppose.”

“Does it bother you?” Tifa questioned.

“Does what bother me?” the blonde asked.

“What the capitol did to your sisters?”

“The idea behind it isn’t great but I don’t really feel like I lost anything. I never knew who they were.”

“I see.”

“Zack asked me the same thing a while ago. He and Rude didn’t really understand why I wasn’t crumbling into pieces over it.”

“Well, if there’s anything you need to learn very quickly about this place it’s that family is extremely important. A lot of people will look at you strangely if you aren’t affected by the death of family members; even if they’re not your own. To many of them it doesn’t matter if you knew them or not. Healthy life is actually very difficult to cultivate here; the environment around us tends to make people very sick, so any loss is a tragedy,” the woman explained.

“If everyone is sick, how are there still people around?” Cloud asked.

“It’s not that cut and dry. If you never leave the dome you were born in, chances are you won’t have any problems. If you travel a lot you’re more at risk, but it’s really only if you have children. The world outside the domes is a hostile place and just breathing the air is detrimental. A lot of people don’t get sick-sick like you would be if you had a cold, but it often causes problems that are passed on to the next generation. If you can have a healthy baby, the likelihood of them having issues naturally is much lower, but the chances of having a healthy baby in the first place are very slim.”

“Oh.”  
“The amount of naturally born humans on this planet is a very small percentage of what it used to be many many _many_ years ago. Part of the reason the Technicians and Carriers pull Charges from other places is because they want to keep the human on human bond strong here in order to repopulate. It’d be sort of a moot point if we just found Charges here.”

“I see.”

“So when babies die, it’s very upsetting. Doesn’t matter what the circumstances are.”

“I didn’t think babies dying were a good thing in the first place. I just didn’t fall apart like I was supposed to, I guess.”

“Hmm,” Leon hummed thoughtfully. “I find that interesting.”

“What do you mean?” Cloud asked.

“Well you got so upset over the children in the city the other day; this sort of attitude is sort of counterintuitive to what you showed me before.”

“It was happening right in front of me. Why wouldn’t that upset me?”

“I suppose you have a point. It’s still interesting to me.”

“Can’t anyone just say to me: ‘okay Cloud, I get how you feel’ and have the conversation end there? Why do I have to be ‘interesting’ like I’m some sort of freak?”

“You’re not a freak. We’re just biased because we came from here and not Midgar. Don’t mind us.”

“Yeah, fine,” Cloud sighed, obviously not convinced.

As per his wishes, the conversation stopped. The rest of his appointment with Tifa was quiet save for a bit of small talk. Once she was finished removing most of his haphazard mop, she dug around in her crate of supplies and produced a hair dryer. Cloud had never seen such a thing before and he furrowed his brows together and leaned away from her with suspicious eyes. Ignoring his apprehension, Tifa turned the device on as high as it would go and blasted the blonde in the face with hot air, making him squint his eyes shut and flinch away.

“I’m not going to kill you,” the woman said over the hum of the fan, an amused smile spreading across her face. “I need to see what your hair looks like dry; it makes no sense when it’s wet.”  
“Yeah I can guess that _now,_ ” the blonde said.

“Then don’t look so threatened.”

“I’m not. I just wasn’t sure what it was at first.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure,” Tifa said.

Leon watched his Charge carefully as the woman raked her fingers through the other’s hair. Once the initial shock of the experience with the hair dryer subsided, Cloud relaxed back into his seat again and waited for Tifa to be done with him. Leon laughed a little to himself when he could see his Charge’s eyelids get droopier and droopier as Tifa’s rhythmic combing continued. He was pleased to see that at least one of the habits the blonde had developed when he was younger had been carried with him regardless of how much Cloud’s outward façade had changed. Playing with the blonde’s hair would forever put him to sleep.

“There,” Tifa said, clicking the dryer off.

“Hm?” Cloud grunted, trying to pull himself awake again. He hadn’t managed to fall completely under, but he was close. Tifa mistook his confusion for not hearing her over the hair dryer.

“I said ‘there.’ Because we’re done. I think,” she repeated.

“You think?” Leon questioned.

“Yeah.” The woman stepped around in front of Cloud to scrutinize her work. She pursed her lips in thought. “If I evened out the length, he’d be almost bald in some places with how his cowlicks are. So he’ll have to deal with being uneven.”

“The shits I had to give about my hair don’t exist anymore, Tifa,” Cloud said, reaching up to comb his fingers through his freshly decapitated follicles. “Just having less of it to deal with is a blessing; thank you.”

“No problem. Anytime,” she said with a smile.

“This is the happiest moment of my life,” Leon said with an exaggerated sniffle. Cloud looked to him just in time to see the Carrier start fanning himself lightly with his hand as if he was about to cry. His eyes were dry, though.

The blonde turned back to Tifa. “Can I borrow your scissors? I need to stab him in the throat.”

“No. I need to cut Zack’s hair today too,” the woman said simply.

“Seriously though,” Leon said, his voice turning neutral again. He dropped the dramatics just as easily as he had picked them up and crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ve waited almost thirty years for this. You have _no_ idea how pleased I am right now.”

“Mostly because you look bored; I can’t tell when you’re happy,” Cloud said.

“Neither can I,” Tifa agreed.

Leon shrugged. “Sorry?”

“I don’t actually care; I was just saying,” the blonde said.

 

\----------------------------

 

“It’s a shame we have to do this when I haven’t had enough time to get you prepared for it,” Leon said. He frowned as he flipped through the thick packet of papers that was Cloud’s Charge contract.

“Prepared?” the blonde questioned, watching his Carrier closely.

“Ideally, you’d be able to read over this and understand it on your own. It’d help you interpret your role and you would’ve been able to make your own decision based on that.”

“We’re supposed to be making cats or something, right? Do we have to like… pour liquid cat material in a mold and let it turn solid again?”

“That would be much easier than what we’re actually doing, but unfortunately that’s nowhere near what it is. The ultimate goal for us is cubs, yes, but the methods would be strange to you even if you were properly educated.”

“Sounds exciting,” Cloud said, sounding anything but.

“We need to make more Carriers first before we can work on cubs. We need ten others besides myself.”

“And… Carriers grow in that thing, right?” the blonde questioned, pointing across their lab to the Gestational Terminal and its accompanying gestational chamber.

“Yes. Very observant.”

“Well you said we had a tube thing here and that one looks like the others at the hospital place,” Cloud concluded. He glanced over to the Diagnostic Care Center and its chamber. “Is that an extra one?” he asked.

“No, that one is more or less a tiny clinic we use to tell us if something’s wrong with a Carrier. Don’t worry about it for now.”

“Okay.”

“I’m glad you remembered what I told you, though. That’s a good thing.”

“The better I feel, the more I find I can remember things. But sometimes it doesn’t work very well. I don’t remember a lot from the hospital, and there’re big gaps in time when I try to think about basic training and staying on the base. The prison too. I remember being there, but it doesn’t get very specific. I remember some of the Shumi village, but there are some gaps there too,” Cloud explained. He scowled and huffed a sigh, leaning forward against the exam table. He folded his arms in front of himself and rested his chin on his forearms. “I guess I don’t actually remember as much as I thought I did.”

“I see. If it makes you feel better, I can tell you that you don’t really need to remember most of it. It would probably be better for you if you didn’t,” Leon said.

“But it’s a chunk of my life that’s just… missing. Even if it’s bad, I’d like to at least feel like I lived those years. You tell me I’m in my twenties, but I really feel like I’m still sixteen. I just… don’t remember having the extra time in between.”

“Time will become irrelevant to you once you’re settled here. Don’t worry about it.”

“But I _do_ worry about it. I want that time back.”

“I can promise you that you’ll be happier not knowing. Try to leave it behind you.”

Cloud furrowed his brows together. “Was I really that bad?” he asked.

Leon froze, his posture becoming noticeably tenser. He was suddenly at an impasse with himself. There was a nagging hate in the back of his head that constantly toyed with him and wanted to see Cloud suffer for all of the things he did in the past. The more reasonable part of him continually fought the nagging by saying that Cloud wasn’t responsible and he shouldn’t be punished. He had the perfect opportunity to sate the nagging, though. In that moment, Leon gave serious thought to letting his Charge have access to the records he had gathered over the course of the blonde’s life.

“Your silence is very telling,” Cloud said. He let his face sink to the table surface, covering the back of his head with his hands, trying to hide from himself. Pulling at his hair, he let out a frustrated grumble. “I just want to remember so I can sleep at night.”

“I’ll find you some medication to help you sleep,” Leon offered.

“I doubt it’ll help.”

“If it doesn’t, I’ll find something stronger. The worst case scenario is we put you under the same way the doctors would for your surgeries. You _will_ be asleep then. You wouldn’t have a choice.”

“Please don’t.”

“Hopefully we won’t have to.”

“Hopefully.”

“Right,” Leon agreed. He heaved a heavy sigh, the painful spite in the back of his head calming some. The blonde’s very obvious upset over his situation was enough for the nagging to stop for the moment. He cleared his throat, pulling Cloud’s attention back to him. “So… Carriers.”

“Yeah. Carriers,” the blonde agreed. “We need to make some.”

“Correct. Do you remember what I told you about how they’re grown?” the brunette asked. The nervousness over the topic started trickling down his spine, but he steeled himself against it and kept it from being obvious. He couldn’t stop his hands from sweating, though.

“The same as human babies and then stuff changes halfway through.”

“Right. That’s what we’ll be doing. Growing children more or less,” Leon said, bracing himself for impact and waiting for Cloud to leap over the table and strike him. But it never came. The blonde simply refolded his arms and settled his cheek on them. He shrugged.

“Okay,” he agreed, his tone soft. The gloom of the previous topic hadn’t left him yet.

Leon’s eyes nearly rolled out of his head in shock. “Wh—really? You’re okay with that?” he asked, the disbelief blatant in his voice.

“Yeah. Why are you so surprised? Were you concerned I’d agree on the condition that we use the girls for kindling? Is that where this conversation is going; back to that?”

“No, no, I didn’t think that at all. I’m just… shocked that you’re so willing. I expected a mountain of resistance.”

“Why? I don’t dislike kids.”

“I’m… I don’t know. I’m sorry I doubted your maturity,” Leon said.

Cloud made a thoughtful face. “Now that I think about it, I can’t say I blame you.”

“Oh. Well, you’re just full of surprises today, aren’t you?”

“I guess?”

The Carrier smiled and focused on the contract again. “Now that the biggest hurdle is out of the way, we should probably go over the rest of this quickly so I can get started on what we really should be doing.”

 

\--------------------------------

 

Reno stared at the screen with his lips parted in shock and awe with an accompanying raised eyebrow. “Seriously?” he asked confusedly.

“Yeah. He just… agreed and then we continued on talking like normal,” Leon said with a shrug.

The work was finished for the time being and Cloud had gone to bed shortly before. The feline Carrier was in his room and had given his redheaded a friend a call to tell him the bright news of the day; it was the first time they had spoken since Leon returned to the facility. The brunette hugged his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them.

“Are my brains leaking out of my ears? Because I feel like they are,” the redhead asked.

“They almost are. I’m waiting for a spider to spin a web in your mouth; it’s been hanging open for ages.”

“Wh… but… just like that? He was okay with it? Rude didn’t talk to me for a week after I told him! That’s not fair!”

“I agree. Then after we went over everything, he signed his contract without complaint. Well… I say he signed it but I actually took his thumbprint for now. He’ll sign it properly when he can write better. But he did it. I _still_ don’t know how to react. I’m blown away,” Leon explained.

Reno threw his hands up in the air with an exasperated sigh. “I’m… crazy jealous. I just… I can’t even imagine him agreeing with you on whether or not he should eat his vegetables let alone having kids with you. What the fuck?”

“I know,” Leon said, resting his cheek on his knees.

“Hell has officially frozen over and pigs are just rocketing through the skies. Jesus officially exists; I’m convinced. I’m going to church tomorrow.”

“I know,” the brunette repeated. He watched Reno slouch back in his seat with a disgruntled frown. “Are you upset? Are things not going well with Rude?”

“No, actually, things have been pretty good.”

“Yeah? Anything new going on?”

“I think he’s finally settled in properly because he seems to have relaxed quite a bit. Which is good because all it’s made him do is be cuddlier; which is amazing.”

“Cuddlier?”

“Yeah. He agreed to replace you as my nap buddy when we were still in the Shumi village. It’s just come to the point where he doesn’t really stay in his own room to sleep anymore. He just defaults to my bed. I’ve woken up twice now with him being the big spoon and it’s _awesome_.”

“Doesn’t take much for you, does it?”

“Hey man, I’m taking whatever he’s willing to give me.”

“I would too if I was you. I’m happy things are going well for you both.”

“Thanks! I’m happier for you, though. This is huge for you.”

“Yeah,” Leon said.

“You don’t seem very pleased.”

“I am. I’m just so shocked still. I feel like this is some sort of cruel trick.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I’m not sure. I guess I’m not very good at being optimistic.”

“I can agree with that.”

“I keep running the conversation through my head in an effort to make sure I explained it so he would understand. I’m not sure how he couldn’t have, but it still feels weird.”

“How many years have you guys spent around one another at this point?”

“Uhh…” Leon drawled, squinting in thought. “Three? Almost? I think.”

“Here’s an easier question: how much of that time has actually been enjoyable?”

“Does mild contentment count?”

“No. Actual enjoyment where you were glad you were in his company.”

“Oh, if that’s what it is then almost none of it has been like that. His acting like a human applesauce cannon in the hospital was pretty fun to be around though. So maybe a couple weeks total,” Leon said with a shrug and a tiny laugh under his breath.

“Exactly. That’s probably why this is so weird for you. How soon you forget,” Reno said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, when you put it that way, it’s a little obvious.”

“Only a little?”

“Okay, maybe a whole lot.”

“Uh, _yeah_.”

“I’ve had mild contentment for a while now, which is much more enjoyable than the past alternatives. It must’ve clouded my judgment. Silly me.”

“Mild contentment is okay. Does that mean you’re kind of friends?”

“Hell if I know. You’d have to ask him. He still irritates the living shit out of me most of the time,” Leon said.

“But you’re still mildly content? That seems contradictory.”

“Look, you say you’re taking everything Rude gives you, and I’m doing the same with Cloud. We can have a conversation. It happens every now and again. That’s way more than what I can say we had a year ago. So yes, mildly content with him being ‘irritating’ as opposed to ‘infuriating.’”

“I see,” Reno said, giving the brunette a scrutinizing look. “Can I ask you something? And be honest with me.”

“I guess,” Leon said, automatically suspicious of the redhead’s intent.

“Will you be happy like this?” his friend asked, his voice gentle and concerned.

The brunette was immediately annoyed. “Do we really have to get into this again?”

“Yes, actually, we do. Will you be happy with just mildly content?”

“I’m not sure what you want me to say. Are you asking me if I would be happier taking things farther with Cloud? Or finding someone else entirely? Because I don’t want either of those things.”

“I don’t care what methods you use, I’m just wondering if you’re really going to be happy or if you’re just settling for what you have now. Because you can have more if you want to, believe it or not.”

Leon narrowed his eyes on Reno with a deep scowl. “No, actually, I can’t.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t like Cloud, but it’s illegal for me to have alternatives. Even if I wanted to go out and find someone else, which I don’t, it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to keep a relationship secret like it’s a mortal sin so no one’s arrested or euthanized. I don’t have other options. Neither does anyone else if they decide their Charge isn’t good as a lover for them.”

Reno sighed. “Fine. But you never actually answered my question. Will you be happy like this?”

“Ask me again in fifty years when I have more kin to hang around with.”

“I want an answer now. Right now, are you happy?” Reno asked.

Leon fixed an acidic glare on his friend, wishing for the day to come when the redhead would learn to mind his own business instead of dredging up things Leon didn’t want to think about. The brunette didn’t have an answer for Reno, though. His day had been fairly good all things considered. Cloud had his stupid unicorn hair lopped off and then the blonde signed his contract (sort of) with no resistance. Those were good things, and Leon was glad that they happened, but he couldn’t force enough optimism on himself in order to say that he was happy.

Would he wake up tomorrow and actually feel something other than bland acceptance? Would he be happier because of Cloud’s cooperation? Were such events groundbreaking enough to pull him out of the lifeless pit he had driven himself down so many years before? Leon wasn’t convinced that he would. He couldn’t speak for what he would feel over the course of the next few decades but for the immediate future, he couldn’t see much changing.

“No,” he replied, confident in his answer but not really feeling like it was a bad thing. He felt nothing. It was just the way his life would be and there wasn’t anything he could do to change it, so why fight it?

“And you’re okay with that?” Reno persisted.

Leon shrugged, his expression mild and unfeeling. “I find it difficult to genuinely care.”

“Why?”

“Because this is normal.”

“How can you say that with such seriousness?” the redhead asked, his brows knitted together worriedly.

“Because striving for something I can never have is more painful than just being content with what I already do. If it works, why change it? As weird as it feels to say, my life reached a turning point today and I no longer have the wall in front of me I thought was blocking me from my goals. Why does anything else matter if it ultimately doesn’t change anything and I can still get the things I want?”

“I understand you want a family, but you don’t want companionship too?”

“I don’t care one way or the other.”

“Leon…” Reno trailed, the disappointment evident.

“Why are you so convinced that I should want that sort of companionship? Can’t I just… not care? Why do I have to care?”

“Because you had it once before; you put yours and Cloud’s safety at risk in order to hang onto it for as long as you could, and it’s really hard for me to imagine that all love just… evaporated. I’m completely aware that you don’t like me meddling in your private affairs, but you haven’t even gotten properly angry at me yet for being nosy like you used to.

“You used to care enough to keep it intimate and only share it with that other person. Which, for me was terrible because I like to gossip, but it did send a very clear message that it was yours to cherish. But that’s gone. You should see yourself right now. Your face is just… completely void of anything, and that bothers me more than you yelling at me and not letting me gossip,” the redhead explained. He sighed and folded his hands on his stomach, giving his friend an incredulous face. A long and almost painful silence followed his impromptu speech. The brunette’s expression (or lack thereof) never changed.

“What do you want me to say?” Leon asked.

“I want you to feel something. I’d take you screaming at me if it told me that you were still alive in there. You’re breathing, but not much else past that.”

“I used to care. But now I don’t. Why is that difficult to understand?”

“Because I don’t believe you.”

“Well, sorry,” Leon said with a minute attempt at a shrug.

“You’re not even going to argue with me about it?”

“No. In fact, I think I just want to go to bed. I have things to do tomorrow.”

“But—“

“Goodnight Reno,” the brunette said blandly. His friend stared at him wordlessly for a moment, an entire novel of angst and upset playing across his face in an instant. Leon didn’t feel like dealing with him anymore.

“…G’night,” Reno said hesitantly.

Leon trudged out of the tiny room that housed his Catalogue Terminal with a numbness he felt all the way to his toes. Reno’s words stuck with him, but he couldn’t find a way around the problem. If he let himself care about his loneliness, he would be miserable. He couldn’t have a solution to that particular problem so it was best not to think about it and focus on moving forward. Was that really so bad? Leon didn’t think so.

Besides, even if he was allowed to go out and find someone, who would want him? At best, he was damaged goods. At worst, he was completely undesirable. He didn’t have any redeeming qualities; he was boring, he was quiet, and he wasn’t very outgoing. With all the scars that stood out on his skin, he wasn’t all that pleasing to look at, either. He wasn’t the tallest, he wasn’t muscular despite his strength, he wasn’t well endowed, and he felt like his voice was bland and monotone.

But above all of that, beyond any of his qualms with his physical appearance and personality, there was one huge glaring detail that could never change: he was a Carrier. That was the biggest problem out of any of them. Even if he ignored the laws and ventured out into the city, there was only a very small percentage of the population that wouldn’t hate him and an even smaller one that would find his species attractive. The chances of anyone like that living in his busted and limping dome were slim to none.

So why would he fight a losing battle? Why was it so important to try to be attached to someone he could never find? He sincerely doubted he could even create family members that liked being around him, let alone try to drag a third party into his life. But that didn’t matter. None of it did. He was going to live out his purpose and make the family he needed in order to feel complete. Regardless of whether or not any of them would like him was irrelevant. So long as he could have a solid family unit, he would be okay. Or so he hoped.

 

\----------------------------

 

Cloud was tired. That was nothing new, but he was tired for reasons other than a lack of sleep. He was tired of being dependant, tired of being sick, tired of feeling worthless, and tired of feeling stupid. The inability to hold a conversation with anyone besides Leon, Zack, and Tifa made getting settled in his new life very difficult. He saw so many new faces around him, yet he felt like he was alone.

Cloud wasn’t like Leon. He couldn’t lock himself in his room for days on end without feeling like he was going to go insane. He was used to being able to move around on his own and go into town whenever he wanted. Even when he lived on the military base, he could remember having those freedoms. Granted, he understood that he would eventually be able to move around again, but that didn’t change how he felt right then. His slow recovery was making him even more impatient than he normally would’ve been.

His only saving grace was the slight amount of progress he was making with Leon’s project. Sure, his Carrier was extremely boring to listen to, but the things he was saying and explaining outweighed the monotonous tone of voice. The blonde didn’t fully understand the whole process of making Carriers, but he got the general idea behind it. He understood what a Totem was and that every time a new Carrier was made, what made up the Totem changed a little bit. More Carriers meant more changes. A diverse set of Totem pieces-parts was what made healthy cubs.

Cloud could understand that simple chain of thought. What he was foggy on was the actual science behind it. He had a very basic understanding of how children were made. He knew that a man and a woman had to have sex in order to get a child later on down the line, but the actual mechanics that made that natural process work were beyond him. He didn’t know what cells were, he didn’t know what DNA was, he didn’t know what things had to come from what parent, and he didn’t know what chromosomes were.

That being said, he understood that human babies were an integral part of whatever it was he and Leon needed to do in order to get more Carriers. He was okay with that. He understood that the Carriers would join the world as fully grown adults and that parenting them was not his responsibility because they didn’t need it. He was okay with that too. But beyond that, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do.

In Cloud’s understanding, two men couldn’t have a biological child. The very idea never even crossed through his mind when Leon said that they were going to be “growing children more or less.” Even after he had an opportunity to think about it, he still didn’t see it as a possibility. It just didn’t work that way to him. Such a disconnect made it very confusing when he tried to figure out what his purpose was in the grand scheme of things, but Leon had said he would understand eventually so he was trying to be patient.

Why did his Carrier need him? Leon only wanted him for his blood, right? How would his blood have anything to do with making children? What could Leon possibly do with it? Such a list of unknowns made Cloud question the validity of what his Carrier was asking him to do. None of it made any sense, and Leon’s failure to give details to him wasn’t helping matters.

Only, Cloud didn’t think that Leon hadn’t explained everything to him yet. He thought he knew most of the whole picture but he was just too uneducated to understand it fully. He truly believed that, in time, the pieces would click together and he would know exactly what was what and that it would fall in line with what he believed Leon had told him.

Even if he didn’t like Leon all that much personally, at that point in their relationship, he didn’t have a reason not to trust his Carrier. The brunette had given him everything so far and there was still more to receive. Cloud didn’t think that Leon wouldn’t follow through, so he figured he should make as much of an effort as he could in order to be useful even if he didn’t really understand how he would accomplish that. He would just have to ask a lot of questions along the way and trust that Leon wouldn’t lie to him. He felt that was feasible.

As he lay in his very comfortable bed after taking his first round of sleep aids, he couldn’t help but wonder when he would meet the ladies that were going to make up the other half of the babies he and Leon were supposed to grow. His Carrier had never mentioned anything about them, but surely they had to exist, right? He hoped they didn’t have shrill annoying voices and they at least looked somewhat pretty. 


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79

“Excuse me,” came an uncertain and unfamiliar voice.

Cloud turned his head as much as he could without moving the rest of his body. Behind him stood a young Charge with hair that was so haphazard, it could rival his own. The bright strawberry blonde tufts were partially squashed down by a large set of over-the-ear purple headphones with one of the speakers slightly askew so the person could still hear what was around him. Dark steely gray eyes were mostly focused on Leon, who was lying in the grass in front of Cloud in his Primal form. Curled in the newcomer’s arms was a seven pound ball of light tan fur with huge triangle ears.

“ _I was wondering when I would see Joshua again_ ,” Leon said into Cloud’s earpiece. The blonde was still getting used to the tiny device and he startled a bit when he heard the voice, but tried to keep an outwardly unbothered appearance.

“ _He picked the wrong guy to try and talk to_ ,” Cloud muttered under his breath. He took a guess and surmised that the new person was trying to greet them, but he couldn’t say for sure.

“Ah, sorry. I didn’t realize you haven’t been in stasis yet. I mean, assuming you’re not just being an ass and trying to make fun of me knowing I can’t understand you,” the other Charge said, finding the blonde’s completely foreign language a bit jarring and harsh toned. He bent at the waist and let the sand cat roll out of his arms and onto the grass.

“ _Give him the earpiece; I_ _’_ _ll talk for you,_ ” Leon said. Joshua teetered across the grass, closing the gap between him and the lion with a lazy gait. He didn’t try and jump or attack him, or even attempt to play. He simply made his way over and plopped himself between Leon’s forepaws and tucked his feet underneath his body and settled in like he belonged there. Meanwhile, Cloud did as he was told and handed his earpiece off to the newcomer who sat in the grass next to him.

“I was told your name is Leon, and that if I saw you, I should say hello. So hello,” the Charge said, tucking the device over his ear.

“ _You are correct. Hello. I assume you_ _’_ _re Joshua_ _’_ _s Charge? He never told me your name._ ”

“Neku.”

“ _Pleased to meet you, Neku. My Charge_ _’_ _s name is Cloud. You were right; he hasn_ _’_ _t had stasis yet so he won_ _’_ _t understand you. Not that he_ _’_ _s any fun to talk to anyway. You should consider yourself lucky you don_ _’_ _t have to._ ”

“Really? He seems okay to me,” Neku said, glancing at Cloud. The blonde gave him a half-hearted smile with a tiny wave. The ginger returned the motion.

“ _I_ _’_ _m sure when he can speak for himself properly, he will make the best first impressions,_ ” Leon said sarcastically.

“Seems like I’ll have to keep an eye out, judging by your tone.”

“ _Just a forewarning. He_ _’_ _s been surprising me a lot lately, though. He might be fine. I could just be a cranky bastard._ ”

“Joshua spoke highly of you. He said you seemed very intelligent but a little insane.”

“ _I don_ _’_ _t know about the intelligent part, but I am insane, yes. Or at least I feel like I am most days._ ”

Neku laughed a bit. “I have yet to meet anyone that doesn’t feel that way at least once in their life.”

“ _You have a point_ ,” Leon said. He curled his forefeet together, trapping Joshua in a nest of paw pads. Leaning his face down, he dragged his huge tongue from the top of the other’s head, down his back, to just before the base of his tail, coating most of the tiny cat’s fur in a stripe of sticky saliva. Joshua let out a perturbed squawk and tried to scramble away, but Leon’s feet kept him in place.

“That’s… awkward,” Neku remarked, raising an eyebrow at the pair.

“ _For whatever reason, it seemed like a good idea. He_ _’_ _s not much bigger than a young cub. I feel compelled to smother him. It_ _’_ _s his own fault for claiming my personal space like he owns it,_ ” Leon said, settling his chin on his paws. Joshua was effectively buried under the other cat’s excessive mane and belted out a squeak of protest but didn’t resist.

Cloud reached over and shoved his hands into his Carrier’s hair and pushed it up handful by handful until he could see Joshua underneath. Slate colored eyes blinked at him but made no effort to escape. Even if the new environment was abrupt and took some getting used to, Joshua couldn’t deny that it was very warm. To further illustrate that point to Leon’s very curious Charge, he yawned as wide as he could and curled up on his side, using the bigger cat’s arm as a pillow. Cloud dropped the mane back into place again, covering him completely. Neku let out a tiny laugh under his breath.

“We haven’t seen either of you at mealtimes; Joshua thought something had happened to you,” he said.

“ _Cloud has been taking his meals in his own space. He made it abundantly clear that he doesn_ _’_ _t like his wheelchair and he feels people stare at him weirdly because of it. Although, that opinion is a couple years old at this point so I could just be sheltering him because I_ _’_ _m paranoid he_ _’_ _ll burst a blood vessel from the stress,_ ” Leon commented.

“The stress?”

“ _Yes. His homeland was very different from this one and the language barrier isn_ _’_ _t making it any easier to adjust. The risk of serious and harmful culture shock is very real to me._ ”

“I see. He seems okay,” Neku said, giving the blonde another brief once-over. Cloud didn’t notice; he was occupied with picking at the grass and being bored.

“ _You bring up a good point, though. We should probably be eating with everyone anyway,_ ” the Carrier said.

“Don’t let us pressure you into anything. It’s cool. I totally understand.”

“ _I_ _’_ _ll bring it up to him and we can see where it goes. I apologize in advance if you don_ _’_ _t see us for another few months._ ”

Neku laughed. “I’ll pass that on to Joshua.” A brief but comfortable silence passed before the young Charge cleared his throat awkwardly. "Can I ask you something?"

" _Sure_ ," Leon said.

"Joshua has been having nightmares ever since we left the Compound. He won't tell me what they're about but he said to ask you if I saw you because you dealt with it better than he did. Something about Xemnas, he said it was."

" _I...didn't realize he had that much of a problem with what we saw. I'm sorry. I probably should have thought about it more,_ " Leon apologized. " _We happened to catch Xemnas...for lack of a better term, emptying a cadaver and just dropping it's contents into a tub without much delicacy. Joshua didn't handle it well but I didn't think it was literally traumatizing._ "

"That's..." Neku trailed, furrowing his brows together with a deep scowl. "Really disgusting."

" _Yeah, it wasn't exactly a party._ "

"I didn't bother you, though?"

" _Not really. Innards don't disgust me. I've seen a few in my day._ "

"That's terrible."

" _It's possible that it is, but I can't say for sure. If I ever need to perform surgery on Cloud I'm sure the desensitization would help._ "

"I... guess," Neku said hesitantly, giving the cat a suspicious eye.

" _I could also be a delusional old man that thinks it's normal to not be disturbed by other people wallowing in innards._ "

"Eh..." the Charge said, a frown slowly spreading across his face.

" _Relax, I'm joking. Of course it's not normal. But again, I'm not normal._ "

"Yeah, I can tell," Neku agreed warily.

“ _I can appreciate your obvious aversion to the situation, and believe me when I say that I completely understand why situations would be strange to some people, but I just can_ _’_ _t bring myself to care about it. Don_ _’_ _t think I_ _’_ _m comfortable with it, because I_ _’_ _m not. I just don_ _’_ _t give a shit._ ”

“Okay…”

“ _Now, if Xemnas had been doing what he was doing to a living person, then that would_ _’_ _ve been a different story. I probably would_ _’_ _ve killed him._ ”

“…Oh.”

“ _Nothing I_ _’_ _m saying is helping, is it?_ ”

“Not really.”

“ _Well, there isn_ _’_ _t much I can do to change that. I_ _’_ _ve only spoken the truth, and I don_ _’_ _t have the right face on to convey myself properly. I_ _’_ _m sorry._ ”

“You don’t have to apologize. You answered my questions. I can’t ask for much more than that, thank you.”

“ _No problem_.”

“Would this be a bad time to leave? I don’t want you to think it’s you; I just want to talk to Joshua now.”

“ _Even if it was me, I wouldn_ _’_ _t be offended,_ ”Leon said, sitting upright properly, causing the tinier Carrier to be exposed to the elements again. Joshua stretched his feet forward and pushed his body backwards until he was pressed against Leon’s chest and partially covered by his mane again. Neku reached out to try and scoop his Carrier up again but the sand cat slowly inched away from his hands, sheltering part himself under the lion’s armpit.

“Stop avoiding this, Josh,” Neku chided with a frown.

“ _Is he really that reluctant to talk about it_?” Leon asked, lifting his arm and forcing Joshua out into the open.

“Yes,” the Charge said, reaching forward again. The sand cat was quick to roll onto his feet properly and sprint away. Taking off like a bullet, the ball of wheat colored fur was gone in an instant.

“ _Oh my,_ ” Leon said. Neku sighed.

“Sorry, if I lose sight of him, I won’t find him for hours. See you later maybe,” the Charge said, keeping his eyes glued to Joshua as he got further and further away. He took the earpiece off and handed it back to Cloud before getting up and chasing after his Carrier. The blonde raised an eyebrow at him as he left. He put the device back on his ear.

“That was weird,” Cloud said. He followed Neku and Joshua with his eyes, watching them loop around the field and disappear behind the facility.

“ _It was. But it does bring up a good point I had never considered,_ ” Leon said.

“What’s that?”

“ _If I ever wanted to hide from you, I_ _’_ _d be really bad at it. I can_ _’_ _t fit anywhere._ ”

“I can’t imagine why you would want to, anyway. All you would have to do is sit on me and I’d suffocate.”

“ _True enough. But hiding from you and murdering you are two different solutions_.”

“Also true,” Cloud agreed.

“ _Anyway, the Carrier you saw was Joshua. His Charge_ _’_ _s name is Neku. They were wondering when we were going to start eating in the cafeteria and I told them I_ _’_ _d talk to you about it. What do you think?_ ”

“I can’t talk to anyone.”

“ _I know, but I_ _’_ _d be there to translate._ ”

Cloud sighed. “It’s not the same.”

“ _Understandable. If you don_ _’_ _t want to, then that_ _’_ _s fine. I don_ _’_ _t know either of them well enough to feel obligated to eat with them so I_ _’_ _m okay with whatever you decide to do_. _Let me know when you_ _’_ _re ready._ ”

“I will.”

 

\----

 

"You have to shove _what_ in _where_?” Cloud asked, a deep crease forming on his brow from his obvious displeasure. He and Leon were back in the lab again after spending most of the day together outside doing nothing in particular. The time was mostly used for getting his Charge accustomed to Leon’s second form, but it devolved into idle chit-chat and not much educating. However, Leon was okay with both outcomes.

“It’s not a big deal. It’s a tiny capsule and it’ll only pinch for a second. Don’t be a baby about this,” the brunette said with a scowl.

“You don’t seem to understand that my jaw hasn’t stopped hurting since before I left the hospital and now you want to shove giant needles in my mouth? Or behind my balls? Can you stop for a second and think about how that neither of those options work in my favor?”

“Like I said; it’s only for a second. I get that this isn’t the best scenario, but it needs to happen. If you’re really going to cry about it, I can try to find something to numb your mouth with but it’d most likely need to be given to you through a needle anyway. Pick your battles.”

“I don’t want it at all.”

“But you signed your contract, so you’re obligated to.”

“But I don’t…” Cloud attempted, but his sentence drifted off into a frustrated huff. He folded his arms on the exam table and rested his cheek on them, grumpily glaring ahead of himself at the table’s surface. Leon, taking his Charge’s demeanor and silence as surrendering, stepped to the supply cabinet to retrieve the box that housed Cloud’s Signet, and then went to the sink to wash his hands. “What’s the purpose of this thing, again?” the blonde asked.

“It’s there for you to know if there’s a problem with me and for me to know if there’s a problem with you,” the Carrier explained.

“Problem?”

“Like an injury or detrimental illness.”

“But you’re not like… going to know when I’m taking a piss or something, right?”

“No. It’s not that sensitive. This is mostly for emergencies. It’s supposed to be here to save us from second guessing problems and making the wrong decisions.”

“Okay,” Cloud said. Leon set the box in front of him and started pulling on a pair of latex gloves. Taking up a syringe in its sterile packaging, he watched the blonde closely as he unwrapped it and pulled off the needle’s cap. His Charge was doing everything in his power to not look at him but be inconspicuous about it.

“I’m not doing this to hurt you, you know,” the brunette said. He opened the little box and took up the thin capsule and carefully threaded it into the end of the syringe’s wide needle.

“I don’t like needles,” Cloud mumbled, closing his eyes briefly as some of the color drained from his face. He took a deep breath.

“I know. I’m sorry. I’m ready when you are.”

“Okay,” the blonde said, sitting up again. He turned to face Leon but kept his attention off to the side and to the floor.

True to his word, Leon kept the procedure brief and the pinch only lasted a second. But despite his reassurances, his Charge didn’t react well. The brunette didn’t think the pain was something that Cloud had a genuine problem with, and he was right. By the time he was finished, the blonde had a thin film of sweat coating his brow and his posture had become extremely tense. Once they were done and Leon stepped away to dispose of the syringe, Cloud took a deep breath and returned to huddling against the exam table. He closed his eyes, willing his heart to stop beating like he had been running a marathon.

“Are you going to be alright?” Leon asked, stepping to the supply cabinet again.

“Mhm,” his Charge murmured.

“Are you sure? Because if this is how needles really affect you, we might have a problem.”

“Why?”

“Because if I’m supposed to take blood samples from you to work with, how do you expect me to do that without needles?”

“I… don’t know.”

“You’re okay when we have to do your hemofiltration, though. Why is this different?”

“I think it feels more threatening when a person is coming at me with a syringe versus just being hooked up to a machine. I don’t really understand it otherwise.”

“I don’t want to torture you like that.”

“I would rather you didn’t too.”

“And I highly doubt you’d approve of the other method.”

“There’s an alternative?”

“Yes,” Leon deadpanned. He tried to let the topic die there, but his Charge was much too curious for his own good. After a few moments of leading silence Cloud spoke up again.

“Are you going to tell me what it is?” the blonde asked.

“Hadn’t planned on it.”

“Oh come on! How are you going to dangle another method in my face and then not tell me about it? You’re a bastard.”

“I would prefer to keep all my limbs attached to me. I’m trying to avoid you attacking me,” Leon said, crossing his arms over his chest. He leaned against the sink with his hip, watching the blonde carefully, but keeping his distance.

“Why would I attack you?”

“Because I can only imagine the imagery your brain would cook up if I told you.”

“…Are you going to try and remove body parts or something?”

“No.”

“Then just tell me.”

“Cloud…”

“Come on!” the blonde yelled, sitting up in his seat properly. He was getting annoyed and just wanted the conversation to move along. Fixing angry eyes on the Carrier, he tried to glare a hole into Leon’s forehead in the hopes that the explanation would come pouring out from it.

“I really don’t think I should.”

Cloud ran an impatient hand over his face and let out a long frustrated sigh. He muttered obscenities to himself under his breath and got up from his seat. Almost immediately, Leon’s heart sped up into a panicked flutter as his Charge started stomping towards him angrily. His mind in a scared jumble, the brunette started backing away as Cloud came towards him until his back met with the supply cabinet. Cloud slammed a hand against the cabinet next to the other's face, making Leon visibly flinch from the loud sound it made. The blonde's impatient eyes loomed over him, stopping the air in his lungs. His Charge grabbed a fistful of the front of his t-shirt and pulled their faces close. Leon couldn't look him in the eye and shifted his attention to the floor, waiting for Cloud to hit him and get it over with.

"Why do you make me get angry at you for stupid things? Just answer my questions," Cloud asked.

"Because I feel like the result would be the same if I answered..." Leon drifted, his voice quiet and shaken.

"Is it really that bad?"

"You'll think it is."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because my past relationship with a man has never really helped my situation before when it came to this sort of thing. It's tainted your idea of whatever my intentions are because you're so judgemental," Leon murmured. Cloud was quiet for a moment, which felt like it dragged on for a lifetime. The brunette kept his eyes glued to the floor tiles, but could feel the hate radiating off his Charge as the blonde picked apart his explanation and considered it carefully. For a moment, it almost felt like the tension was dying and the Carrier was allowed to relax because nothing was going to happen. However, just as he thought that, Cloud had come to his conclusion and quickly yanked him forward a few inches and then shoved him back again, bouncing Leon's head off the cabinet door. The Carrier let out a grunt and furrowed his brows together. The feeling didn't hurt very much but it was enough to jolt him back to reality.

"Are you telling me my other option is my semen?" Cloud asked, his tone low and harsh. "That's the only thing I can think of to where your desire to have cocks in your mouth would matter." Leon was quiet, his spine feeling like it would melt from his body. After a brief silence, the blonde's patience dried up and he took his hand off the cabinet and gabbed the other's jaw. He pulled his Carrier's attention to him, his fingertips digging into the brunette's skin painfully. "Answer me," he demanded.

Leon nodded meekly. “Yeah. It is,” he said, his voice hardly audible.

“There, now was that so difficult?” Cloud cooed snidely. He let go of Leon and stepped back, letting the Carrier slump back against the cabinet as his limbs threatened to turn to jelly.

Using the surface behind him as a crutch, The Carrier stayed in place for a moment before slowly sliding downward until he was sitting on the floor. He let out a shuddering sigh, feeling like he had narrowly escaped a pit of angry cobras. Hugging his legs, he rested his cheek against his knees, still unable to look at his Charge. For reasons the brunette didn’t fully understand, admitting that Cloud’s other option was to donate semen for their project felt shameful. As if what he was going to do with it was lecherous or sinful even though it was vital to their success. Blood and semen were the most stable materials he could work with; anything else wasn’t sufficient in his mind.

“You’re really spineless, you know that? I didn’t even do anything to you,” the blonde said, making his way over to his seat again. Plopping down, he crossed his arms over his chest and kept annoyed eyes on his Carrier.

“I know. You’ve already told me that,” Leon mumbled.

“I hate it.”

“Sorry.”

“I don’t believe you are.”

“I am; I just don’t know how to stop being spineless for you so I can’t fix it.”

“Not being a pathetic bitch might help.”

“Right. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good,” Cloud said with an angry huff. He heaved a long sigh and decided he was finished with the awkward cowering Leon was doing and was ready to leave the lab. “I’m going back to my room. You can stay here and cry or something,” he grumbled, pushing himself up from his seat.

“You don’t want your wheelchair?” the brunette asked.

“I can make it. It’s not that far.”

“Okay. Your physical therapy starts next week, by the way. I just got notice today with all the details,” Leon announced quietly.

“Fine,” Cloud clipped as he headed for the hall.

The sound of the doors swinging closed echoed in the back of Leon’s mind, reminding him of the solidifying sound his cell door made when he had been taken prisoner by Midgar. He felt stupid for thinking he had escaped Cloud’s abuse simply because they had a stable and somewhat enjoyable few months together. He wondered how much of the change he noticed in his Charge was just a fabrication of his own wishful thinking and how much of it was genuine. In that moment, it felt like the scales holding the possibilities were weighted towards his imagination simply making things up to make him feel better. He had somehow fooled himself into believing he could be safe. What utter bullshit that was.

And yet, he still felt like he had made a minute bit of progress. Cloud seemed to be more upset about his hesitation to spill the proverbial beans than he was about what Leon’s answer had been. If his Charge had been truly disgusted with him, he felt the blonde would’ve reacted as such. Leon had expected a fist to his nose, and now that it was apparent that wasn’t going to happen, he was perplexed. He was afraid to let himself feel relieved, and feel like he was winning a little. The jumble of emotions and anxiety swirling around in his head was enough to make him dizzy, and all he wanted to do was crawl into bed and wait for it to stop. But he couldn’t. Not until he understood what his Charge was thinking.

After a while of sitting by himself, he took a deep breath and summoned every ounce of his broken bravery so he could slowly push himself up to his feet and make his way out of the lab. But not before stepping to the exam table again to retrieve the small box. He also took the blonde’s wheelchair with him. Every footstep towards Cloud’s room felt heavy and he wanted nothing more than to flee in the other direction, but he needed to understand. He wouldn’t be able to sleep until he did. Heaving a deep and shaking breath, he knocked on his Charge’s door. There was nothing but silence that followed. He knocked again. Then again.

"Yeah?" Cloud grumbled from the other side, clearly half asleep. Leon nudged the door open and peeked inside. "What do you want?" the blonde spat, his words muffled from the depths of his pillow with his back to the door.

"It's not even dinner time. Why are you in bed?" the brunette asked.

"You exhaust me."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Whatever."

"I had a question."

"Should I not answer it until you feel so angry you want to hit me and then pee myself when you try to?"

"I didn't pee myself,” Leon defended with a frown.

"And I'm genuinely surprised by that," Cloud muttered.

"You didn't tell me if your other option is even something you're willing to give."

"I haven't decided how I feel about it."

"Oh."

"How exactly am I supposed to give it to you?" Cloud asked. "And if you say we have to have sex then I really will get up and punch you in the mouth."

"I would prefer you didn't do either of those things to me. Fuck me or punch me."

"So then, what? I jerk off in my hand and find you and wipe it on you or something?"

"No. There's--- damn this is fucking awkward," Leon sighed. He pushed the door open properly and came into the room. He unfolded and set the wheelchair aside and shut the door again. Taking a seat, he focused on the box in his hands and purposefully avoided eye contact with Cloud. "There are these container things you can use to...  catch it in. Or we can try taking blood from you."

"It bothers me that there are actual containers designed for this."

"Which is why I was avoiding this conversation. Most of the time Carriers and Charges are fucking each other anyway so this topic is way less weird to talk about."

"Oh _great_. Is that what we’re supposed to be doing? Is that what people with think when we’re seen together?”

“I… don’t know,” Leon said with a tiny shrug. Though his inherent fear of his Charge was slowly seeping away the longer they talked without a threat of violence, the shame didn’t dissipate. Despite the miniscule victories he was having, there was an overwhelming sense of indignity that Cloud added to just about every word he spoke. The more they talked, the dirtier Leon felt.

“Why did I agree to this?” the blonde asked rhetorically, mashing the heels of his hands into his eyes with a grumbling sigh.

“That’s not really something I can answer,” the Carrier said.

“I wasn’t actually looking for one. I was asking myself.”

“Oh.”

“I still don’t have a good answer for it, anyway. Your constant moping is irritating.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You brought me to a place that gives me everything practical but in exchange I don’t ever feel comfortable and now you’ve just announced that just about everyone in this building, all these men, are fucking each other. I knew that before, but actually hearing it makes my skin crawl.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re really disgusting.”

“I’m aware.”

“I’m tired of spending every day of my life with you.”

“I know.”

“This would be infinitely easier if you were a woman. Because then we could at least be living on the other side of the lawn where all the normal people are.”

“If that’s really what would make this all work for you, I can do that,” Leon said blandly. He turned the box in his hands slowly, carefully considering its contents.

Upon hearing him, Cloud scrunched his face up in a mixture of scorn and confusion. He rolled around to face the brunette and was met with blank and lifeless eyes staring ahead at nothing in particular. Leon’s ability to sit and absorb every insult and hurtful thing that was thrown at him was as fascinating as it was scary. Cloud watched his Carrier for a few seconds, waiting for him to continue talking and explain what he was proposing. The lack of emotion or feeling on the other’s features told him nothing and it was extremely off-putting.

“What are you talking about? Explain,” the blonde demanded.

Leon took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nose. “I can be whatever you want me to be, Cloud. The only thing I can’t be is human, but I don’t think you really have a problem with that part.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I… don’t know how to be clearer than that. What I’m saying is literal. I can be whatever you want me to be. If I need to be shorter, I can be. If you want me to have a different skin color, I can do that. If you want me to be a woman, I can be that too,” Leon explained.

“Putting you in a skirt and making you carry a broom and frying pan around isn’t really enough to convince anyone you’re suddenly a woman, sorry,” Cloud said.

“Wow. That just…” the brunette said, closing his eyes for a moment with a sigh and a shake of his head. “That’s really all you think it takes to be a woman? Wearing skirts and cooking and cleaning?”

“No, but you’re not explaining what you actually mean so that’s what I figured you were getting at. It’s your fault for letting me come to my own conclusions.”

“Stupid me. How could I assume you had the ability to open your mouth and not be offensive?”

“If you’re not explaining something I don’t understand I’m going to come up with an answer on my own! I don’t know what you mean when you say you can become a woman!” Cloud barked, sitting up against his pillows with a frustrated huff. “Is there a button you push that switches you around? Are you just going to castrate yourself? Do you have something you can inflate under your skin that’ll look like a pair of tits? I have no idea what this fucking hellhole of a circus is capable of. Just. Fucking. Explain! We _just_ got done with having a stupid argument in the lab about this forty-five minutes ago!”

“I don’t know how else to put it! I’m telling you very literal things, Cloud. I can have my male parts removed and replaced with female ones. I can become a literal woman, with the birthing, the menstruating, and the copious breast-having and everything! I don’t know how much more specific I can get!” Leon said, throwing his hands up in the air and letting them fall again with a loud slap as they hit his legs.

“What the _fuck_ are you talking about?! That doesn’t make any sense! That can’t happen! Where are you supposed to get the girl parts? From the store? Are there places you can just buy this shit to just have around? Like could I just go buy a pussy from the market and frame it on my wall? Can I just have an entire bathtub of tits if I feel like it?!”

“No! That’s completely stupid!” Leon spat, furrowing his brows together.

“Yeah it is! I’m glad you can see how ridiculous this is!”

“But it’s not! I’m serious! The parts come from the same place your replacement heart did! People produce them as they’re needed. We have the ability to just… make parts for people! Why is that such a hard concept to understand?”

“Because it’s stupid to think that a man would just become a woman overnight! That is such a fanatical idea that it’s mental hospital worthy! Seriously! Listen to yourself!”

“It happens, though! Not overnight, but it does!”

“I don’t believe you! Stop it!” Cloud demanded, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Stop what?!”

“Lying to me!”

“I’m not! I just--- pfffbbt…“ Leon attempted, but his frustration cut off his words and ended his sentence with an unintelligible sputtering of his lips and tongue. It continued for several seconds.

“You’re insane,” Cloud concluded as he watched the brunette slowly lean forward and balance his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. The Carrier took a deep breath.

“I know,” the brunette said flatly. He sat up again, dragging his hands down his face and pulling at his features. Folding his hands together in front of his mouth, he tried to calm his frazzled nerves and pull back his control over his emotions. “See, this is why I don’t go into a lot of detail with you about every tiny thing. There are _way_ more variables involved with sex reassignment surgeries than what I can tell you in a few minutes to appease you. So for now… just accept it at face value. If you _really_ felt like it would make a difference for this project, I can become a woman. That’s all you need to consider right now,” Leon explained calmly.

“Would it change your personality?” Cloud asked.

“Not really, no.”

“Then it doesn’t matter. At this point, I don’t like you just because I don’t like you. It doesn’t matter what you are on the outside. If anything, changing you would just make it weirder.”

“Fine. Then I don’t know what solution I can offer you for what other people are thinking when we’re seen together.”

“Obviously the solution is just to not be seen together.”

“Well, once you’ve been in stasis and can hold your own conversations, we don’t have to be. So long as the work gets done and progress is made, you can fuck off and do whatever you want. I don’t have to be involved.”

“Good. I look forward to it.”

“So do I.”

 

\------------------------

 

Over the course of the next year, progress was made. After several months of physical therapy and a balanced substantial diet, Cloud’s strength was returning. He could wander around the facility as much as he liked without his wheelchair, but anything more than walking required regular breaks and a chance to recoup. His hemofiltration and chelation treatments continued as they should’ve, and his body chemistry started to find a normal equilibrium after about six months. Because of that, Leon noticed a difference in his Charge’s demeanor.

As the toxins were slowly weaned out of Cloud’s system, the brunette was pleased to discover that his Charge’s moods started to smooth out and he wasn’t as quick to anger or turn violent over meaningless things. There was still a great deal of petty bickering to be had, and Leon was still diligently watching for sudden shifts towards seriously hostile tendencies, but for the most part everything blew over with only temporary frustration and contempt. They spent as little time together as they could get away with and their relationship was better for it.

True to his word, Leon began teaching his Charge when Cloud recovered enough strength to focus. The brunette followed through on his initial ideas of teaching to a camera and presenting the blonde with the pre-taught lessons to work on by himself. This proved to be extremely beneficial because Cloud could squirrel away with his studies in his room and play and replay Leon’s words over and over again as many times as he needed in order to absorb everything fully.

Listening to his Carrier’s monotonous speech was sometimes enough to put him to sleep, but once Cloud realized he could remember more and more information as time passed, he took genuine interest in what he was listening to. It took many weeks to get used to spending time by himself with only his tablet and no one to talk to, but it eventually became routine and the repetitiveness helped his comprehension greatly. As the months ticked by and he successfully completed lesson after lesson, Leon’s confidence in his project’s success grew bit by bit.

That being said, Leon never convinced Cloud to offer up anything other than his blood for their work. In the end, the blonde wasn’t comfortable enough to purposefully have an orgasm on Leon’s behalf so he forced himself to get used to needles again. Even after a year the phobia wasn’t completely gone, but at the very least he was able to sit through the process and not feel like he was going to burst with anxiety. Courteously, Leon tried as often as possible to retrieve samples from his Charge at the same time the blonde went through his hemofiltration treatments in order to minimize the trauma, and that was something Cloud was appreciative of even if he never said it.

Something else Cloud never admitted to appreciating was Leon’s apparent infinite patience. After being isolated for weeks by himself, Cloud finally agreed to eating meals in the cafeteria with everyone else, and Leon took the brunt of the language barrier because of it. The brunette rarely held his own conversations because he spent his time translating Cloud’s, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t have anything interesting to talk about anyway. Regardless of the difficulties, Joshua and Neku were happy to have their company, and several times a week Zack and Tifa would join them as well.

Much to Cloud’s surprise, the other men in the facility didn’t give a damn about him. He had expected many odd looks and rude stares when Leon first pushed his wheelchair into the cafeteria but barely anyone noticed. On a similar note, he was also surprised to discover that what Leon had told him was true: the atmosphere was very reminiscent of a military base. It was literally just a room full of guys eating meals together and not a strange hotbed of public homosexuality like his bigoted mind told him it would be. Every now and again he would notice a small bit of affection that would make him raise an eyebrow, but over time, he found it easier to just not pay attention to it.

The peace and tense serenity his life had taken on lulled Leon into a false sense of security despite his past experiences telling him not to. A year without major incident made it seem like his life was on a decent track and that he could relax. He never stopped watching for a sudden shift in Cloud’s temperament, but he didn’t realize that the freedoms his Charge would soon earn for himself would change things dramatically for both of them when he wasn’t looking.

The days ticked by and the time for the blonde’s first stasis treatment grew closer and closer. Cloud would suddenly have the ability to leave the facility on his own accord whenever he wanted to and meet new people and make new relationships for himself. At face value, those seemed like good things. A social life was a step in the right direction for becoming acclimated to his new home, but no one had prepared him for what people would say to him about his connection to the Carrier projects.

And that would prove more detrimental to his and Leon’s stability than anyone could have ever imagined.


	80. Chapter 80

Chapter 80

Leon scrutinized the expanse of orange and purple petals in front of him carefully. In between them, he could see a few unhealthy yellowish leaves that were starting to shrivel. Nudging the stalks aside, he gently plucked the offending appendages and went to his window. Pushing it open, he dropped the leaves outside into a tiny plastic box that was hanging from the window’s frame. The container had an already developing layer of compost in it and he made a mental note to give it a shake to mix everything up later in the week.

His growing table had proven itself to be a decent time waster. The seeds the Shumi farmer had given him had taken a very long time to grow into anything of substance, but the daisy-like blooms eventually covered its entire surface. Their appearance was unlike anything he had ever seen before and they fascinated him. The coloring was mostly a deep violet, but they had a watercolor effect of oranges and yellows that seeped out between the seams of the petals and spread towards the tips in thin tendrils.

Like a sunflower, the middle dark face of each bloom held its own seeds. Leon had only managed to get three of the original kernels to take root, but they had since reseeded themselves and now he was quickly running out of space. He wasn’t sure what to do with them all, and he considered purchasing some vases and handing them out to people, but the flowers came with additional problems he wasn’t sure other people were prepared to deal with.

The petals were oily. They weren’t so wet that they were acting as strange sap faucets, but they did drip from time to time and it wasn’t easy to clean up if it landed on anything else but soil. Leon had gone out and found a tarp-like mat to put underneath the table so the plants wouldn’t ruin his carpeting, and he doubted anyone else wanted to deal with that much maintenance. He didn’t mind it so much; it wasn’t like he was doing a lot with his time, anyway. But other people tended to have lives and they probably didn’t want to worry about a plant leaving stains on the furniture.

Regardless of the upkeep, he enjoyed having the color and the smell in his space. The flowers weren’t very pungent and only had a faint smell of honey, but it was enough to detect. For him, anyway. He didn’t know if any normal humans would notice the smell or if it would just be limited to him and his Carrier kin. But, today was not the day to experiment and find out. He had things to do.

Once the growing table had been preened of any offending foliage, he left his room to meet Cloud in their lab. Today would be the last of his Charge’s scheduled hemofiltration and chelation treatments and he would have to do additional tests on Cloud’s blood to make sure it was clean enough for him to enter stasis. He was expecting the worst, but hoping for the best. The blonde had made a stellar recovery and was a far cry from where he had been a year prior. He still wasn’t exactly an Olympic athlete by any means but he looked much healthier overall none the less.

“Color me surprised. You’re in here before I am for once,” Leon remarked as he made his way into the lab. Cloud was already in his chair next to the hemofiltration machine with his tablet in hand.

“I was up until three in the morning. Then when I realized it was that late I figured there wasn’t much point in trying to sleep,” the blonde said with a tiny sigh.

“What the hell were you doing up that late? Studying?” Leon asked, making his way to the supply cabinet so he could pull out the routine supplies he used for Cloud’s procedure.

“Sort of. Well… yes, actually, but not like you’re thinking. I started looking around the Charge forum and found a group of familiar-ish sounding people and I spent a long time reading their posts and eventually started talking to them. Video chats and stuff.”

“Yeah? What’d they have to say?”

“Nothing much. We just talked about where we came from and whatever. It was interesting to see what other people had to say about my home from a long time ago. Some of them were over a hundred years old supposedly and that just blew my mind a little,” Cloud said with a tiny frown.

“It seems like that bothers you.”

“I’m not even sure I want to live that long. Wouldn’t you run out of stuff to do eventually? What do you do when you’ve done it all?”

“I don’t think that’s possible, honestly,” Leon said. After he washed his hands, he brought a tiny tray of implements over to the blonde and set it on top of the hemofiltration machine. As he started pulling on a pair of latex gloves, Cloud instinctively extended his arm out for him.

“Living that long doesn’t seem real. So much so that the possibility of doing everything seems like it could actually happen if you _did_ live that long.”

“A hundred years is a lot shorter than you think it is.”

“Maybe, but I’ve never actually met anyone from my home that was older than fifty.”

“Zack is a lot older than that.”

“No, I know, but I mean I didn’t grow up with the idea that people lived longer than that, you know? It’s weird to think I could live past that and way beyond it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just being naïve.”

“Eh, maybe. I don’t think I ever considered age very much in my life,” Leon admitted, opening a packet containing a pre-soaked alcohol wipe. Cloud’s skin broke out in goosebumps as his stomach did a light flip with anxiety. He closed his eyes and turned away as he felt his Carrier press his fingers into his skin to feel his veins.

“Why’s that?” the blonde asked, trying to keep the conversation rolling to distract himself.

“Well I did start out life like most normal human babies do, and I know I grew up, but I don’t actually remember any other life stage other than being an adult. I didn’t have much of a childhood to speak of so I don’t ever recall having a legitimate ‘growing up’ experience, and I guess that sort of makes age something that doesn’t exist to me. I didn’t see my friends and family get older with me.”

“I don’t understand that. How can age just… not exist in your head?” Cloud said, leaning away from his Carrier ever so slightly without realizing it.

“It’s hard for me to explain it; it’s a very foreign way of thinking for you. Something I am sure of, though, is how close I am to breaking your arm if you don’t stop trying to wriggle away from me,” Leon grumped, taking hold of the blonde’s shirt sleeve and pulling him back into proper stable posture.

“I didn’t even notice I was doing it,” Cloud admitted.

“Don’t make me strap you to something.”

“I won’t. Just… hurry up,” the blonde huffed. He yawned wide, using his tablet to cover his mouth.

“You should probably take your medication and sleep after this,” the brunette said, holding his Charge’s arm firmly after finding his vein again.

“Yeah, I will. I figured I should at least get this over with before trying.”

“Trying? Are the sleep aids not working for you again?”

“Falling asleep usually isn’t much of a problem. It’s staying asleep that’s the struggle.”

“Well, at this point, we’ve upped your dosage so much that you’re on the verge of needing serious narcotics. I’d rather keep you off of those if we can,” Leon said, pushing the needle into the blonde’s arm before he could squirm away again. Satisfied, he turned for the second one and was quick to repeat the process. Afterwards, he draped a towel over the blonde’s arm so Cloud could open his eyes without the threat of seeing the instruments boring into his skin.

“Yay,” Cloud said, his enthusiasm sounding blatantly forced.

“I’ll do some research and see if there isn’t something that’s a little more homeopathic we can find you,” Leon volunteered. He went to retrieve another chair and tugged it over to his Charge to sit with him while the hemofiltration machine did its work. Cloud heaved a deep sigh and set his tablet on his lap. Tiredly rubbing an eye with the heel of his hand, he frowned.

“It’s been so long, though. Why can’t I just… get over this? It’s bullshit. At some point all this garbage that rolls around in my head at night needs to get tired and go back to the dump. “

“You could always find a professional to talk to. The Technicians would probably be for it if we sent a report to them. I’m sure it’s more cost effective for you to see someone to help you cope versus continual years of medicating yourself.”

“I’ve considered it, but I just don’t see the point. So I sit there during the day and rehash what my head already rehashes every goddamn night for… what? So I can understand what I did? I’m not even sure half the shit that keeps me awake is stuff that actually happened; how would talking about it solve that mystery?”

“I don’t know, Cloud. I’m not a psychologist. I’m just trying to help you find a solution.”

“Yeah well, I know what my issues are, and I know what my options are to fix them, but I’m not confident in them ever going away so why should I waste the time?”

“I’m not going to force you into doing anything, you know. You do what you think you need to when you need to do it. But at some point, something’s got to give. You can’t keep fighting the symptoms the rest of your life when there’s a bigger underlying problem preventing you from being healthy. At some point we’re going to run out of simple resources and have to move on to more drastic things. Or, alternatively, you could just not sleep soundly for the next century or however long it takes you to forget the problem. I wouldn’t go for that option.”

“Is it possible to never sleep again?”

“Under normal circumstances, no. You would eventually collapse, but the time leading up to that point would be hell, I’m sure. It could drag on for weeks.”

“Hm,” Cloud hummed thoughtfully.

“Do you never want to sleep again? Do you think that would solve the problem?”

“No, I was just curious. My brain tortures me enough when I’m just sitting in the dark. The torture when I’m asleep is basically the same; or so it feels. It doesn’t matter if I sleep or not. It just doesn’t go away,” the blonde sighed.

Leon pushed his brows together worriedly. “I don’t know what else to do for you.”

“Hopefully once I can go out and have a life it’ll be enough of a distraction to make me forget. Once I forget, then I can sleep. That’s what I’m banking on, anyway.”

“It sounds like a plausible solution. I’ll hope for that too.”

 

\-----

 

Cloud’s blood was clean, and that meant he was ready for stasis. After they got the go-ahead from the Technicians, Leon immediately took his Charge for his first treatment. But, floating around in a tube of water with an air hose shoved in his mouth for a week was not Cloud’s idea of a party. Despite both Zack and Leon assuring him he would be fine, the blonde was still skeptical. He was not a fish. He couldn’t breathe underwater. What would happen if the air hose was disconnected or malfunctioned? Was there an emergency release hatch? If there was, no one told him about it. All the unknowns circled around in his head and made him very nervous. The danger, coupled with the fact that he had to be naked in a semi-public place for an extended period of time, was enough motivation for him to seriously reconsider stasis. He wasn’t sure he wanted all of that nonsense in his life.

“Nobody cares about your penis. I promise,” Leon said, impatiently waiting for his Charge to strip and get in the stasis chamber.

“Aw, don’t say it like that; that’s just sad,” Cloud said with a huff.

“Yeah, well, it’s true. This is strictly a business venture. No one is going to come in here and get their jollies off of seeing you float around doing nothing. I find it strange that you choose _now_ of all times to be shy. I seem to remember you not giving a damn in the past.”

“Being forced to share a bathroom with no walls with a bunch of other miserable guys is way different than being shoved into what looks like a giant display case. A giant display case I could drown in.”

“You’re not going to drown.”

“You say that, but I’m still skeptical,” Cloud said, pulling his shirt over his head with a grumble.

“Don’t worry; I know CPR. If all else fails, I’ll just put my mouth on yours and breathe for you. It’ll be great,” Leon said blandly with a nonchalant shrug.

“You’re not helping,” the blonde spat, sending an acidic look in the brunette’s direction.

Leon shrugged again. “You’re being ridiculous. I haven’t killed you yet with all the procedures I’ve had to do to you; why do you think I’ll let you die now? You’re only allowed to die when I give you permission to.”

“Great. I’ll be sure to tell my lungs that when they fill with water and refuse to function. ‘No wait, hang on guys, Leon says I can’t die yet so you better stop fucking with me.’ It’s the miracle cure for everything,” Cloud said, pulling open his belt and rolling his eyes.

“Damn right it is.”

“Fine. But be serious for a second and tell me what happens if the air thing happens to stop working because I’d like some actual reassurance here.”

“Well,” Leon said, moving towards the middle of the room. Aside from the stasis equipment lining the walls, the room was fairly empty. The only other pieces of furniture to be had were a few exam tables in the center. The brunette picked one up by the corner and exposed the floor underneath. Imbedded into the tile was a moderately sized circular grate. “The machines have a failsafe that triggers if anything strange happens. The doors open, let the liquid out, and everything goes down these drains. There’s also an alarm that is obnoxiously loud so people know to come help.”

“Okay,” the blonde sighed.

“Does that help?”

“A bit. Not much, but it’s good to know anyway.”

“Well, ‘a bit’ is better than nothing.”

“I guess,” Cloud agreed weakly.

Once undressed and in the stasis chamber, the blonde watched his Carrier carefully. Crossing his arms over his chest grumpily, he kept a sharp eye on the brunette for any weird staring or strange looks. There were none to be seen. Leon simply went about retrieving the supplies they needed and kept his eyes on his work. He eventually handed his Charge a pair of wide nose plugs and pulled the air hose down for him. Stepping away, Leon went to the machine’s terminal to look over the settings and make sure everything was as it should be.

“How hard is this thing to break?” Cloud asked curiously, looking along the edge of the chamber’s door at the thickness of the glass. It wasn’t as bulky as he thought it should’ve been; it was barely thicker than one of his fingers.

“Probably not very difficult. The idea is you’re not supposed to ram things into it so it doesn’t really need to be super resilient. You can’t slam the door or anything because the hinges they use prevent that so it’s pretty safe unless someone tries to bash it open. And even then, it’s not really the end of the world if they do. Usually, if the process is going to kill you, the chemicals in the liquid will before someone can smash open the chamber,” Leon said nonchalantly.

“The stuff in the water can kill me? You said I wasn’t going to die,” Cloud said apprehensively, giving the brunette a suspicious once-over.

“I said you weren’t going to drown. There is a difference.”

“Yeah but you also neglected to tell me this process could kill me just because it feels like it. I thought I was okay because my blood is clean or whatever.”

“It’s very unlikely you’ll have any problems. Women are much more likely to have issues than men are. Don’t worry. Also, once you get this first one over with the likelihood of you having a problem with future treatments is basically nonexistent.”

“I don’t know if I want this…”

“Well, too bad. You’re doing it,” Leon said. He stepped to the chamber’s opening and took the nose plugs from the blonde and quickly shoved them up Cloud’s nostrils without much delicacy. His Charge let out a perturbed yell and shoved his hands away with a deep scowl.

“Bitch!” the blonde spat, scrunching up his face. Frowning, he adjusted the plugs so they didn’t feel like they were trying to penetrate his skull. “That hurt, you know.”

“I’m losing my patience with your reluctance. You signed your contract; this is a part of fulfilling your obligation. Stop pussyfooting around it and just get it over with,” Leon grumped. He pushed the air hose towards Cloud with a huff.

“Says the guy that gets to live for another day,” the blonde grumbled.

“You’ll be fine. Stop whining.”

“I’ll stop whining when I’m ready to. Right now, I’m still not convinced this is a good idea.”

“That’s unfortunate because I’m going to close the door, and once I do, it’s going to lock. Then the fluid will start pouring in. I suggest you start using the hose to breathe before then,” the brunette said. True to his word, Leon started pulling the door closed before the blonde could stop him. Cloud tried to push back on the glass as it swung shut, but his Carrier wasn’t going to let him escape. With his superior strength, Leon easily pushed the door shut and the chamber’s lock immediately clicked shut.

The blonde slapped his hands against the glass. “Fuck you!” he barked angrily.

“See you in a week!” the Carrier called back casually. As if on cue, stasis liquid started pouring down the sides of the glass from the top of the cylinder. Leon watched Cloud’s suddenly blurry form fumbling for the air tube awkwardly, but it only lasted for a moment. The blonde managed to shove the end of the hose into his mouth before his breathing situation became a problem.

With a relieved sigh, Leon went to take a seat at the stasis control screen. He sat and monitored his Charge carefully as he waited for the chamber to fill completely, making sure Cloud didn’t cause any predicaments for himself. Even after the cylinder was full, Leon stayed to make sure his Charge was calm. After several minutes of looking around like a confused kitten, the blonde eventually settled and stayed still, surrendering himself to his watery prison. It didn’t take long for his eyes to begin to droop as the first stage of stasis started to permeate his skin and start controlling his body’s chemistry for him. He was asleep after twenty minutes.

Not wanting to spend an entire week staring at his sleeping Charge, Leon took his leave shortly after he was convinced things would remain peaceful. He was somewhat happy to have a week to himself where he didn’t have to think about Cloud before he did anything. In fact, by the time he reached his lab, he realized he didn’t ever have to consider Cloud before he did something ever again. Once out of stasis, Cloud would have the necessary abilities he needed in order to do everything himself. That realization was bittersweet, and it took Leon several minutes of careful consideration before he understood why.

For the last few years, everything had been about Cloud even if they didn’t spend every waking moment together. Every day, Leon got out of bed and immediately thought about his Charge and a list of things relating to the blonde. Had Cloud slept that evening? If he did, was it quality sleep or was it broken? Had he taken his pills? Was he even awake yet? Had he managed to get breakfast for himself that day? If he had, how embarrassed was he that he _still_ couldn’t speak the proper language? If breakfast had been involved, had he eaten it all? Was it enough? Or had he been too tired to eat, again?

They were such arbitrary questions, but Leon considered them every single day and then some. Now he never had to think about them ever again and the huge hole they left behind felt like an impossible thing to fill. He barely ever considered anything having to do with himself anymore; it was all about Cloud. How could he make up new things to fill the void? The absence of someone being dependant on him made him feel like he had less of a purpose, and even less of a reason to get up in the morning.

Part of the reason he was at such a loss with himself was because his work had been halted for the last few months. His diligence and limitless determination had paid off a little over eleven weeks prior when he was finally able to keep one sample alive long enough for a life to start growing in their lab. The tiny fetus was barely two inches long by his estimate, and if she happened to flutter close enough to the wall of the gestational chamber he could see she had almost all of her fingers already.

Despite the victory and the happiness it brought him, he couldn’t deny how bored he was now. Once Cloud finished his assignments and they were graded, Leon had nothing to do other than record more lectures or fuss with his garden. But he could only do that for so long before he would start to lose his voice or the repetitiveness picked away at his sanity. Sometimes he would visit with Joshua and Neku or with Tifa and Zack, but they were leading lives that were equally as uninteresting so he never stayed long. So until the Technicians delivered another gestational chamber to him, or gave him the go-ahead to put more than one sibling in the existing one, he had very little to occupy his time.

Once he checked on his growing sister, he wandered around the lab a bit to see if anything was out of place that he could fix or if he had a sudden project dawn on him. There was nothing, and he was a little upset about it. He had barely made it an hour without Cloud and already he was unexpectedly lonely. With a tiny defeated sigh, he meandered out of the lab and back to his bedroom. Once there, he figured the only thing he could do was take a nap for as long as he could with the hope that time would pass a little quicker.

 

\-------------

 

“Everything alright?” came a familiar voice from the entrance of the lab. Startled, Leon’s focus shifted to the doors quickly. It was Joshua. The other Carrier came into the room properly and went to sit on the floor with his friend. Leon had been hanging around the Gestational Terminal reading a book off Cloud’s tablet. Even though other people he cared about existed, in his loneliness, it felt like his only companionship was his tiny sister. He had spent the better part of the last few days just sitting with her.

“Yeah, why?” Leon asked. He genuinely didn’t think the way he felt was wrong or something he should fix. He just accepted it as his reality, so therefore, everything really was okay.

“We haven’t seen you for a few days. Was sort of worried about you being by yourself while Cloud’s in stasis,” Joshua said. Folding his legs under himself, he made himself comfortable and gave the brunette a small smile. “Actually, I wasn’t really concerned; it was Tifa and Zack that asked me to check in on you because they thought you’d be less likely to rip my face off.”

“Why would I rip your face off? Or their faces, even?”

“They apparently felt like confronting you about it was detrimental? I have no idea. They didn’t give me much of an explanation.”

“I see,” Leon said, scowling a bit. He sighed. “It hasn’t come up for a while now but they had a bad habit of randomly butting into my personal affairs because I do things the way I want to and not the way they feel I should.”

“Really? How so?”

“I’m not allowed to be by myself, I guess.”

“Is it a bad thing? I didn’t think a week without Cloud was that big of a deal.”

“It isn’t, which is why them asking you to check on me like I’m a helpless child is sort of insulting.”

“Should I leave?”

“Only if you want to. I don’t mind company; it just bothers me that they asked you to come here for them. They could’ve just called me.”

“I suppose it’s a bit babysitting-ish isn’t it?” Joshua asked curiously.

“It is,” Leon agreed.

“Well, in that case, instead of me sitting here staring at you like there’s a problem with you, did you want to come outside with me and Neku?”

“Maybe later. I sort of wanted to read some more,” the brunette lied. The truth was that he just didn’t feel like putting forth the effort to get up and go outside. He had been ‘reading’ for the last few hours but he found himself getting lost halfway through sentences and he would eventually end up realizing he was just sitting and staring at nothing for several minutes at a time. He had been stuck on the same page for over a half hour.

“That’s fair,” Joshua said, smiling. Leon gave him a small one in return. His friend pushed himself up from the floor and smoothed his shorts back into place. “Try to meet up with us for dinner, though. It’s dull just having the two of us there sometimes.”

“Sure. See you later.”

Leon vividly remembered hiding away by himself for days at a time in the Shumi village. He could also recall how irritating it was when someone invaded his space and demanded more of him than he was willing to give. Tifa took his solitary confinement personally. Reno eventually lost his patience and outright scolded him. He wondered if Joshua or Neku would eventually do the same. Of course, had Tifa and Zack not said anything, it was very likely that neither of his other friends would’ve noticed he was gone. He didn’t blame them; he wasn’t very much fun to be around anyway.

 

\------------

 

After a very long week by himself, Leon couldn’t decide how he felt about bringing Cloud back. The blonde’s potential independence was daunting. Lingering anxiety over catastrophic culture shock fogged over any optimism he had for the situation, not to mention the fact that he still hadn’t figured out extra things to do when his Charge would inevitably leave to go have a life without him. Regardless of his feelings, though, he knew he couldn’t avoid his responsibilities.

His hands worked on auto-pilot as he poked away at the stasis terminal connected to his Charge’s chamber. Over and over again, he told himself that it was Cloud’s life and he could do what he wanted with it. It wasn’t Cloud’s job to make sure Leon had things to do with his time. It wasn’t even Cloud’s job to make sure Leon was happy. The blonde only had to be there to contribute to their project; the rest of it was trivial. Despite the heavy truth behind the thoughts, Leon had to try very hard to convince himself that it was okay. He only had to deal with the feelings until they eventually dissipated on their own; which they would when enough time had passed. If he had to spend a few days by himself in his room until that happened, then he would do so. It was okay.

As the stasis liquid started to drain from the chamber, he went to retrieve a thick towel-like blanket from the room’s supply closet. Tapping his foot anxiously, he waited for the door to unlock itself. When it finally did, he wasn’t surprised to find Cloud curled up against the wall of the chamber shivering away like a newborn. Helping himself to the blonde’s personal space, Leon draped the blanket over him and vigorously rubbed Cloud’s hair with it, sopping up as much liquid as he could. His Charge let out a loud displeased grunt and tried to elbow him away, but it was a meek effort. Quickly registering that any sort of physical resistance was more or less futile, the blonde settled for pulling the air hose from his mouth and the plugs from his nose.

“Fuck you; don’t do that,” he croaked, the words fighting against his dry throat.

“Fine. Get yourself out of the tube, then,” Leon said, dropping the towel on the blonde completely and backing out of the chamber.

“That’s not what I meant. I meant don’t randomly come up and molest me.”

“Drying your hair for you so you don’t drip everywhere is not molesting you. So, when you decide to get out of the tube yourself, you can clean the floor after you drip everywhere. I’m not doing it.”

“Fine. Whatever. Come back and help me out of here,” Cloud spat. A strong shiver ran through his body, making him visibly shake. With weak fingers, he tried to pull the blanket around himself a little tighter without much luck.

“I don’t see why I should; you seem fine to me.”

“Why are you being such a dick to me?” the blonde asked, his words halting afterward as another shiver ran through him. “You tried to crush my head and then you get angry at _me_ for being upset about it? Fuck you. Go away.”

“I wasn’t trying to crush your head. You’d be dead if I was. I was attempting to help you and you told me to fuck off; why should I be nice to you?”

“Because you were hurting me you stupid bastard!” Cloud yelled, his voice cracking partway through the end of his sentence. He heaved a heavy breath and coughed a few times. Already exhausted, he gave up on his blanket and just leaned against the glass, resolving himself to his fate of being stuck in his tube until his limbs woke up more.

“Was I?” Leon asked, his tone turning concerned. It was difficult for him to remember the last time he consciously reminded himself to not be heavy handed with things; people included. He hadn’t needed to remember it because the amount of human contact he had over the last few years was more or less nonexistent. He had been as gentle as he could when doing the blonde’s hemofiltration treatments, but any touching beyond that just didn’t exist.

Cloud didn’t answer his Carrier’s rhetorical question partly because he was angry, but mostly because he was falling asleep. After a moment of awkward silence, the inevitable guilt trickled in and Leon went to help his Charge properly. The blonde didn’t have the energy to resist when he was suddenly being manhandled again. Now conscious of the problem, the brunette calmly wrapped Cloud up in the blanket and scooped him up. The blonde wasn’t given much of a choice in the matter and he was quietly grumpy about it.

“I’m sorry,” Leon said, heading for the doors. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“It’s fine,” Cloud grumbled. “Do you really have to carry me like we just got married? Where’s my chair?” he asked crankily, a deep scowl marring his face. Being carried like an ornery mildly damp bride wasn’t sitting well with him. Leon laughed a bit.

“Sorry. The Technicians put your wheelchair back into storage a few months ago, remember? When you finished your physical therapy?”

“Oh. No. I don’t remember. It just sort of vanished and I wasn’t sad about it.”

“Well, ten minutes of being carried won’t kill you.”

“I’m more concerned about other people seeing,” the blonde muttered. He tried to take another deep breath but it ended prematurely with more coughing before he could fill his lungs.

“It’s after two in the morning. I doubt anyone else is awake.”

“What? Why are _you_ awake, then?”

“Because your stasis was done and I figured you’d prefer to be carried through empty hallways.”

“Oh.”

“Was I right?”

“…Yes.”

“Good.”

“I still feel like shit, though.”

“How so?”

“It’s kind of hard to catch my breath. And I just… hurt. Everywhere.”

“I’m not surprised. Synthetic organs take a bit to get adjusted to your new body chemistry after stasis, and I wouldn’t be surprised if your heart is working overtime right now. You’ll be fine, though. Once you can breathe easier, you’ll be surprised how much better you feel; you won’t be sore anymore. The extra good news is that this is the only time this should happen. Subsequent treatments will be better.”

“Okay,” Cloud said, unable to bring himself to argue. He wasn’t happy that he hadn’t been told about what to expect after stasis, but all he could focus on was going to bed. His week in stasis was not the calm experience he had hoped it would be. Sure, there was a fair amount of sleeping involved, but his waking hours were filled with nothing but his own thoughts. The complete silence of his stasis chamber didn’t help him and he quickly discovered that being covered in water while thinking was way worse than just being in the dark and thinking. It was impossible to distract himself, and the mental suffering that followed was insatiable.

By the time Leon reached Cloud’s bed, the blonde was mostly asleep. The Carrier bent at the knees until he could grab a corner of the covers, being careful not to drop his Charge in the process. He tugged them down as much as he could before gently setting the blonde down. Sluggishly, Cloud rolled onto his side and nudged away the blanket-towel he had been wrapped in. Leon took it from him as he brought the proper covers up and dropped them over his Charge. Stooping next to the bed, the brunette turned on the heater underneath the mattress just as Cloud shivered again, his teeth audibly clicking together for a moment.

“I’ll see you in a couple days, probably,” Leon said quietly.

“Hm,” Cloud grunted, barely acknowledging that his Carrier had said something.

 

\---------------------

 

Over the course of the next month, Cloud started to acclimate into a somewhat normal life. The fascination of being able to speak, read, and write in another language was immediate and it lasted for several days. He spent the majority of his meals in the cafeteria simply listening to people with silent amazement. But, the changes quickly became routine. The novelty wore off and he was itching to get out of the facility.

Tifa and Zack were happy to oblige him. Unlike Leon, Tifa didn’t have a problem leaving the facility and trying to integrate herself into normal human society. She didn’t take it to such extremes as some of her cousins, but she did enjoy the social side of life nonetheless. Plus, if she went to bars with Zack, she could make sure he didn’t spend the entire night pickling his internal organs.

As it turned out, Zack and Tifa actually had a fairly wide circle of friends in the city. They readily accepted Cloud’s company into their fold, which surprised the blonde. He had expected it to be awkward, and it was, but not to the extent he thought. Woefully undereducated, he was worried that his ignorance and lack of general knowledge would hinder him and he was waiting for the eminent embarrassment. For their first few outings, he was very quiet and only listened to what everyone else was talking about. He eventually found out that they had been Tifa’s friends first, and that Zack went through the same adjustment period that he was. That made him feel better. They were very accepting.

Zack and Tifa went out fairly regularly, and they brought Cloud with them, so the blonde’s routine had started shifting towards late nights and even later mornings. He still did his assignments and got his work done, so Leon couldn’t really complain, but the brunette’s fears were manifesting. Like two ships passing in the night, he wouldn’t see his Charge for days because their schedules were completely opposite from one another. He spent a lot of time by himself. His work had picked up again, but he was still isolated with no one to talk to.

“I’m sorry it’s been so long,” Reno apologized, giving his friend a bit of a frown from the Catalogue screen in Leon’s lab. They hadn’t spoken for several months despite the brunette trying to call the redhead hoping for a little companionship.

“It’s okay; everyone’s busy,” Leon said, trying his hardest to sound understanding.

“Yeah? Does that mean things are going good for you? Is Cloud still cooperating?”

“He is.”

“That’s great! I was worried he would backpedal at some point.”

“I was sort of afraid of that, too. But he’s been in stasis, all of his blood tests and things are clean, and he’s making progress with his studies so there’s nothing to complain about. He’s done better than I thought he would.”

Reno grinned. “I’m happy for you.”

“I’ve managed to keep a fetus around for a while, too. That makes me happier than whatever Cloud does,” Leon said. He pulled his legs up on the seat with him and hugged them to his chest, and then rested his chin on his knees. Reno’s smile spread wider and he leaned forward onto his own terminal and balanced his elbows on it and his chin on his hands.

“Don’t tell me any more good news. I might actually pee myself if I try to be any happier for you. Seriously,” the redhead laughed under his breath softly. “You deserve this, you know. It’s about time things started making you happy. I wish I could hug you right now.”

“Thanks,” Leon said, the tiniest of smiles pulling at the corners of his lips.

“How old is… he? She?”

“She’s about sixteen weeks. I hope she stays around and matures healthily.”

“I hope so too. What does Cloud think of her?”

“He hasn’t really said much. He acknowledged that she’s here but he doesn’t spend much time in the lab anymore. Ever since his physical therapy ended he’s been up and about more and takes his studies with him, usually. Since his stasis, though, he’s been getting his stuff done but stays out late with Zack and Tifa. I haven’t seen him in days.”

“Really? I didn’t think he was that much of a social butterfly.”

“Me either, but I think he’s making up for lost time. He’s been in a social limbo for a few years, if you recall. It’s… actually kind of worrying,” Leon said.

“What is?”

“Well, at first he just went out with Zack and Tifa, but lately he’s been going out on his own when they’re not up for it. I’ve seen him _really_ hungover more than a few times now.”

“Uh oh. That’s not great.”

“Yeah. I’m sort of impressed he finds his way home some nights. He barely ever gets up before noon anymore, too.”

“Do you think it’ll be a permanent problem?”

“I’m not sure. He’s really only been getting seriously shitfaced for the last couple weeks.”

“Yeah but with what frequency? Once? Twice a week?”

“Almost every night?”

“Wow, really? That’s bad, man,” Reno said, pushing his brows together worriedly. Leon nodded his agreement and heaved a defeated sigh.

“I know. I’m not sure Zack and Tifa know, either. They don’t stay out as late as he does to my knowledge. I’m sure if I told them they’d keep an eye on him for me but I’m more concerned about smothering Cloud into isolation again. He’s wanted to get out and have a life for _so_ long. I’d hate to take it from him again.”

“But he can’t keep doing this. If it becomes a habit, then he’s going to cause more problems for himself in the long run.”

“I know. I was going to wait and see if he calms down on his own. Maybe once he’s worked the binge out of his system he’ll get better.”

Reno scowled. “This sort of problem shouldn’t be left to fester. You need to stop him before it becomes a real problem.”

“What should I do? Strap him to his bed and ground him from seeing his friends? I’m not his mother.”

“Get Tifa and Zack involved. I’ll call them for you if you don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe. I need to think about it,” the brunette said. Truthfully, the idea of confronting Cloud with a problem, when said confrontation gets in the way with what Cloud wanted, was the last thing Leon wanted to do. The very real threat of violent backlash lingered in his thoughts and he couldn’t say what Cloud would do. Despite their recent history being relatively conflict free, Leon had learned that a period of peace did nothing to satiate his Charge’s temper.

“Let me know what you decide. But I promise you that this will get so much worse if you don’t try something soon,” Reno said.

Leon nodded and sliding a hand through his hair. “I will. I can’t do it now; he’s already out for the night and curfew was a few hours ago. I’ve been staying up lately to see what time he comes home and to make sure he actually does.”

“That’s good. Wait until he’s sober before you talk to him, though.”

“Yeah, I know,” the brunette grumbled. Running a hand over his face, he attempted to wipe away the tenseness he felt in his shoulders. “Anyway, tell me about you and Rude. How is it going for you?”

Reno sat back in his seat, a sheepish smile spreading across his face. “We’re pretty good. We haven’t been able to keep a fetus around like you have, but we’re good. He’s gotten a lot better about… stuff.”

Leon laughed a bit. “Stuff? Him stuffing you or do you stuff him?”

“Okay, I wasn’t going to get that detailed. But if you insist on making this vulgar, I can get vulgar.”

“I’m just surprised you’re so reserved about it. I half expected you to squeal and start telling me a bunch of stories I didn’t need to hear,” the brunette said.

“I can if you want me to but… I don’t know. I kind of don’t want to. I’ve been used to a lot of random fucking with people I don’t care about without any strings attached, but this… this is different.”

“More loving?” Leon asked.

Reno shrugged, his cheeks turning a bit pink. “I guess. He hasn’t really come out and said he loves me, but his willingness to change for me tells me he does. Plus, I don’t know if he even knows how to fuck someone. He does know how to love someone, though. But, I mean, we’ve only been this far for a couple months, you know? I don’t want to assume things that aren’t there. The idea of it backfiring is really scary.”

“I bet.”

“That being said, I think I should apologize to you.”

“What for?” Leon asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry for being so nosy in the past and insisting you tell me everything you’ve done with your partners. I get it now.”

“Oh. Well, you’re forgiven. I haven’t thought about that in years.”

“I thought so, but it was still shitty of me.”

“To be fair, I never really did anything that was very exciting anyway. You didn’t miss much,” Leon said with a shrug.

“Don’t say that; I’m sure there was something.”

“The only thing I can think of that was _maybe_ interesting was spontaneous piano sex. And the only reason it would be significant was because we had to stop in the middle because we both started laughing. His scrotum was trying to write a sonata and all we could hear were the keys plinking by themselves,” the brunette explained, hiding behind his knees a bit with embarrassment.

“Really? His junk was trying to serenade you. That’s so cute!” Reno said.

“Yeah, we learned that closing the fallboard was pretty important that day.”

“I bet. Where did you get a piano in a military academy, though?”

“Zell found it in storage at some point and taught me to play some stuff.”

“Like how to play dick music?”

“That, and actual piano things.”

“You never told me that!”

Leon shrugged. “It’s not like I was very proficient at it. I’m sure if I fiddled around with it again I could figure more out but I got the basics at least.”

“You should learn some more and then write me a song with your balls and play it for me. It’ll be my birthday present from you this year.”

The brunette laughed. “Maybe.”

Their conversation was abruptly halted as Cloud burst through the lab doors, causing them to swing open completely and strain against the springs that pulled them closed again. Leon visibly startled in his seat and looked towards the entrance, the color draining from his face. His Charge had stopped just beyond the doors and was staring him down, his face a painting of pure fury. He started walking towards the exam table, his eyes still focused on Leon. The brunette huddled in his seat and turned back to Reno, his eyes wide and unfocused.

“What’s up?” the redhead asked. Cloud and the exam table were out of his view so he couldn’t see what the blonde was doing. Leon’s mind was racing, wondering what he did to make his Charge angry and what Cloud was going to do about it. He could hear the legs of one of their metal chairs scrape against the floor lightly as Cloud picked it up.

“Call Zack and Tifa,” Leon murmured.

“What? Why? What’s happening?” Reno questioned, the concern evident in his voice.

“Just call them,” the brunette insisted.

Every synapse in Leon’s brain told him to move. To run away. But his fear had woven itself around the fibers of his muscles and refused to let him. In the seconds it took Cloud to reach him, Leon genuinely thought he was on the verge of being killed. He hadn’t ever seen such rage in his Charge’s face before, and he knew that whatever he had done to deserve the blonde’s wrath must’ve been something major. Leon didn’t know what it was, but he was sure it was his fault.

“Cloud! Stop!” Reno screamed, abruptly standing from his seat and sending it clattering backwards.

Leon could see his Charge from the corner of his eye as he approached. Cloud held the back legs of the chair in either hand and had it raised as he prepared to swing. Leon felt it fitting that he would die by his Charge’s hand. As the blonde swung at him, the Carrier’s fear left him and he felt an otherworldly calm wash over him. He was at peace knowing he was going to pay the proper price for whatever wrongdoing he had done and he sincerely hoped that Cloud was going to get closure from it. Leon didn’t mind this punishment. He just wondered if souls could cross over interdimensional rifts and if their respective afterlives intersected. Maybe he could see Zell again.


	81. Chapter 81

Chapter 81

Without meaning to, Cloud had discovered his own method of forgetting his painful past. The whirlwind of activity that followed his first stasis treatment swept him away to what he suspected was a road of recovery. He slept better after a night of socializing and drinking, which meant he wasn’t sitting in the dark torturing himself until all hours of the morning. If he just repeated the process, combined with his sleep aids, surely he would be happier for it. He wouldn’t have to remember what a horrendous monster he was.

Sunny didn’t seem to think he was a bad person. She was a friend of Tifa’s and was very sweet to him. Her patience and understanding was refreshing, and she didn’t have a problem sharing her story with him and relating to his problems whenever he chose to voice them. She had been a Charge from the canine facility many years prior, but her Carrier had been euthanized when a brain tumor had permeated his Link and caused him to turn feral. She blamed herself for not being diligent enough with his care, similar to how Cloud blamed himself for his own sins. They bonded quickly.

“I’m sure she’ll grow up to be a beautiful woman. I know I’ve never met Leon, but with your face in the mix? She’ll be gorgeous,” Sunny said happily from behind her wine glass. They had been discussing the fetus that Leon had managed to create in the lab. Cloud didn’t understand the intricate details behind the baby’s existence but he was still fascinated by how strange she looked as she grew.

Furrowing his brows together, the blonde was confused. “What does knowing Leon have anything to do with that?” he asked, wondering what Leon’s presence had to do with a child that was going to look like himself. Admittedly, the eight beers he had downed over the last few hours weren’t helping his deductive reasoning skills.

“Well, I don’t know what he looks like. So if it was just him, your Carriers might turn out funny looking. I’m telling you you’re handsome enough that it doesn’t matter. It’s a compliment,” she reiterated with a tiny laugh.

“Right, I got that part – thanks, by the way – but I’m more confused by what his looks have to do with my Carriers.”

“…Honey, that’s how it works. Did he not explain anything to you? You take his genetics and your genetics and squish them together to make a baby and then the baby is later made into a Carrier.”

“But… two men can’t make a baby?” Cloud guessed, raising his brows and hoping he was right.

“Sure they can. Maybe not where you came from, but from here you can make children from any combination of genders. He really didn’t explain that to you?”

“Not in that much detail, no.”

“Where did you think the other half of the baby came from?”

“I wasn’t sure but I thought I’d figure it out eventually so I never bothered to ask. He always tells me I’ll understand later once I’ve gotten farther in my studies, and he’s been right so far, but… apparently I’m more ignorant than I thought,” the blonde said.

“Oh. How shortsighted of him. He really should’ve taken the time to explain it to you.”

“He did, I guess. He spent a couple hours going over my contract with me. He just… didn’t tell me we were literally having children together,” Cloud said, furrowing his brows together with a deep frown. He visibly shuddered with disgust. “I don’t like that.”

“Yeah? You guys don’t get along?” Sunny asked curiously as she twirled a piece of her auburn hair around her index finger idly.

“We tolerate each other.”

“Aw, that’s unfortunate. It’s nice when you’re actually friends with the people you work with. It makes for a nicer environment, especially when you’re trapped working together for a million hours a day,” she commented.

“Yeah…” Cloud drifted, the reality sinking in.

He drummed his fingers on the tabletop slowly, and stared ahead of himself at nothing in particular. All he could think of were the repeating nightmares he had where he and Aerith had a family together and were happy. They usually ended with the girl dying in some horrendous and sometimes outlandish way, but they always started with an overwhelming sense of contentment and peace. Cloud couldn’t discern if any of the ways Aerith died had actually happened to her on a smaller scale or if he was just superimposing her image on someone else he had probably killed. The idea that he had a trail of bodies following behind him was terrifying, but he didn’t deny its likelihood.

Regardless, the beginnings and the ends of his nightmares always stuck with him; the good and the bad. The bad served the greater purpose of reminding him that he would never have the good. The only person he had ever really considered having a family and a normal life with was gone, so that fantasy was no longer valid. He was not at a point in his life where he could see ever moving on and finding someone else who was just as valuable to him. He didn’t deserve that happiness, nor was Aerith replaceable. It just wasn’t going to happen in his mind.

But somewhere along the line, Leon decided he was that valuable. The Carrier apparently thought that he could deceive Cloud into having a family with him. The blonde couldn’t fathom why Leon would ever want to do that, but the fact that it was happening made his stomach turn. Having random children he would have no obligation towards with women he would never meet or have a relationship with was more acceptable. There was a disconnect there that made it so the Carrier ‘children’ didn’t feel legitimate to him. They were just a means to an end.

However, as much as he didn’t like it, Leon was a major part of his life. They had a relationship, and they knew each other. They spent more or less every day being a part of the other’s life, and their proximity to each other made it so that they were never truly separated. Leon mattered, but not enough to elevate him to the importance needed to start a family with Cloud. The audacity the brunette had to think he was that meaningful made the blonde absolutely furious.

“Cloud?” Sunny questioned after her companion stayed eerily silent for an awkward amount of time.

“Hm? Sorry,” he said quickly, running a hand over his face in an attempt to quell the anger that was boiling under his skin. It didn’t help.

“Are you okay?”

“No. I’m not.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m glad you said something. Thank you.”

“Did you want to call it a night? Maybe get home and talk to Leon?”

“Yeah. I think I should,” Cloud muttered.

“Okay. You get home, I’ll get the drinks this time,” she volunteered. Turning in her seat, Sunny bent to the side and brought her purse up onto her lap. She started digging for her wallet.

“You’re sure?” the blonde asked.

“Certainly. You got yesterday, remember?”

“Barely.”

The woman laughed. “Don’t worry about it. Get going.”

“Thank you.”

 

\---------------

 

The cab ride back to the feline facility did nothing to calm Cloud’s fury. By the time he reached the facility grounds, he couldn’t hear anything. Adrenaline was moving his blood through his system so quickly that the only thing he could register was the rhythmic white noise his heartbeat made. After he silently paid his driver, the blonde hurried inside the main building and started stomping towards the lab where the Gestational Terminal was.

He wasn’t surprised when he found Leon in the lab as well. His Carrier was on a call with Reno, but Cloud didn’t care. The only thing he could see was Leon staring at him with wide frightened eyes, and he wanted nothing more than to crush the Carrier’s skull. With deceptively calm deliberate steps, he made his way towards the nearest thing he could use as a weapon. It just so happened that that thing was one of their metal chairs. He didn’t hesitate to pick it up and take hold of the back legs as if he was going to swing a baseball bat.

Like the coward he was, Leon stayed still for him; he didn’t resist, he didn’t ask what the problem was, and he didn’t even try to escape. To Cloud, that meant that his Carrier knew exactly why he was there and was surrendering. Leon understood what he did was wrong but he still insisted on doing it anyway. Moreover, he thought Cloud was stupid enough to live the rest of his life without figuring it out. It was a silent confession of a guilty conscience.

The metal frame of the chair connected with the side of Leon’s face, sending the brunette off his seat and onto the floor. The cord keeping his Carrier tethered to his call with Reno immediately snapped and for a moment, all was quiet. Leon strained to breathe as his Link tried to sort out the instability it found when it was suddenly disconnected from the Catalogue Terminal. He only managed to cough airlessly a couple times before another crushing impact came down on his head and forced his consciousness to flee.

When he started to come back around, Leon couldn’t recall how long he had been on the floor. He did know he was in a lot of pain, and he could hear a muffled clank ring out somewhere relatively nearby. Blearily peeling his eyes open, he could see the Gestational Terminal’s blurry form in the near distance. Cloud was there, chair in hand, and was readying another swing. Leon didn’t realize what was happening until the metal seat met the gestational chamber and the resulting echoing crack reverberated in his mind. He couldn’t pull himself up quick enough to prevent his Charge from taking another swing.

The gestational chamber burst open and sent a flood of liquid and glass into the lab. The Terminal’s siren immediately switched on and started filling the room with an almost unholy amount of screeching noise. With weak arms, Leon managed to push himself up to a sitting position just as the gestational liquid flowed to him, surrounding him a thin puddle that soaked his shorts. He stared at the fluid, his mind refusing to let him comprehend it fully. He knew where it had come from and what its purpose was, but beyond that, the gravity of the situation was lost on his struggling consciousness.

He heard the sound of the chair clattering to the floor over the siren, which made him pull his focus to his Charge. The blonde was drenched from the chest down, but he didn’t seem particularly bothered by it. His eyes were focused on a red lump that had come to rest against the exam table’s leg as the river of fluid tried to pull it towards the drain in the middle of the floor. With an abrupt kick, Cloud set the exam table toppling over and landed his boot directly on the tiny lump his Carrier cherished so very much.

Leon should’ve been angry. He should’ve been furious. He should’ve been irate. Fuming. Enraged. Mad. Infuriated. But he wasn’t. He didn’t feel anything. Even as Cloud stepped off of what remained of his only family, and all he saw was a smear of red gore, he couldn’t bring himself to react. He stared at the trail of blood that trickled off his sister towards the drain, and felt nothing.

Leon’s lack of emotion and resistance suited Cloud just fine. The blonde stormed his way over to his Carrier again and with another sweeping kick, sent the brunette to the floor again. The air suddenly vacated from Leon’s lungs as Cloud buried the heel of his boot into the other’s sternum. The blonde began repeatedly bringing his foot down and stomping on the Carrier’s ribcage, face, arms, and torso over and over again. Leon covered his head with his arms and tried to roll into a ball on his side, but when he got halfway there, Cloud stopped stomping and kicked him back onto his back.

Leon could barely see anything anymore, but he felt a presence hovering above him. Cloud abruptly knelt over him and took hold of the brunette’s throat. He squeezed with bruising force, shutting off the Carrier’s air supply almost immediately. Leon’s hands came up and started clawing at his fingers, a feeble attempt to get him to stop.

Cloud leaned down, watching the Carrier struggle with noiseless choking for a moment. “I just want you to know that I’ve always hated you, and that you’ll never be Aerith’s replacement. I didn’t give you permission to be and you had no right to try to be,” he said, somewhat yelling over the siren so he knew he had been heard. “I hope you fucking rot wherever it is disgusting faggots like you do.”

Just as Leon’s consciousness started leaving him, there was a sudden rush of activity that surrounded them. He couldn’t tell what was happening, but the pressure keeping his throat closed abruptly disappeared and oxygen rushed back into his lungs with painful force. Choking on nothing, he started coughing violently and slowly curled into a ball on his side, covering his face with his arms again.

A crowd had formed outside of the lab as just about everyone in their hallway had come to their aid at the siren’s calling. However, Zack and Tifa were the first ones there and they had shoved themselves through the doors in time to pull Cloud off of Leon. Zack hooked his arms around and under the blonde’s armpits and yanked him up and to the side. Cloud started thrashing and kicking his legs in an effort to escape. However, Tifa caught his ankles and lifted with her Charge, heaving the blonde up off the floor. They swung and tossed Cloud aside, allowing him to crash into the floor without the possibility of catching himself. Zack was quick to pin him down and keep him there.

The Gestational Terminal’s alarm ceased and was replaced by the shrill beeping of Cloud’s watch as the tiny device tried to make his Carrier’s distress apparent. The pseudo silence lasted only a second before Zack and Cloud started screaming profanities and insults at one another; an uncouth argument Leon couldn’t understand over the ringing in his ears. He couldn’t tell if the extreme pain he felt in his chest was from nearly suffocating or if there was something else wrong with him. He wondered if Cloud had actually shoved something sharp into his lung and he was only noticing just then. It was probable, but he couldn’t dwell on the possibilities for very long because the pain kept his focus on itself.

Ignoring the pieces of glass that littered the floor around them, Tifa knelt next to Leon and leaned down to speak to him. She would’ve preferred to scoop him up and hold him, but she was afraid to move him. “Leon, are you with us?” she asked gently, using her fingertips to lightly brush his hair out of his face. The brunette’s coughing had subsided and he was very quiet.

Leon wasn’t able to answer her. He was quickly slipping under a veil of unconsciousness as the pain in his chest amplified and yanked at his psyche, causing him to break out in a light sweat. His body was telling him to stop whatever it was that was causing him pain and go to sleep. He was happy to oblige and didn’t resist as darkness pulled him under.

 

\--------------------

 

Everything hurt. As Leon slowly started coming around, he tried his hardest to remember why there was so much pain. His thoughts were muddled, and he was struggling to make them coherent. He quickly found out that he didn’t want to bother with making them understandable. It was too much effort. Despite that, his brain was trying to wake up against his wishes. He wanted nothing more than to burrow into the earth and hide from the sharp aching that clung to his bones. Why couldn’t life oblige him for once? It wasn’t fair.

His left eye was swollen shut, he discovered, and the other one may as well have been. The halfhearted effort he gave to opening his eyelids quickly dissipated as bright sterile light blasted his corneas and forced them shut again. Whatever activity he had exuded just then was enough to alert another party that was in the room with him. He heard a chair squeak and light footsteps draw close. Trying again, he opened his ‘good’ (relative term) eye and was greeted by Zack’s blurry silhouette.

“Hey,” the Charge whispered. The man disappeared for a moment to pull a chair closer to the brunette’s bed. He sat and leaned into Leon’s line of sight. The Carrier stared at him as much as he could, unable to find the words to speak. “You’re at the clinic.”

“Mm—“ Leon attempted to grunt but his throat felt like he had swallowed a thousand bees. The sound immediately made him start coughing, which made his lungs and chest hurt, which in turn made it harder to breathe for a moment. After a few minutes of struggling, the intense sensation eventually subsided and he settled back against his pillows, pulling in long shaking breaths through his nose as much as possible. He suddenly remembered being strangled with excruciating clarity. However, the brunette found that he felt indifferent towards it.

“Sorry. Probably should’ve told you not to try talking,” Zack apologized. He patted his pockets before sticking his hand in one. “I brought your earpiece,” he offered. The Charge’s forethought was welcomed and Leon was more than willing to let his friend plug into his Link if it meant he didn’t have to move anymore.

‘ _I don_ _’_ _t think I_ _’_ _ve ever been in this much pain before_ ,’ the brunette said into the tiny device. He let his eye close again and prepared for a long time of laying still.

“I bet. What can I do for you?” Zack asked.

‘ _Help me die_.’

“Uh… no. I can’t do that,” the Charge said, furrowing his brows together sadly. The stony seriousness in Leon’s voice was extremely worrying.

‘ _Fine_. _I don_ _’_ _t know what I need, then._ ’

“Okay… do you at least remember what happened?”

‘ _I was beaten by a blonde semi-truck, who then murdered my child in front of me._ ’

“Ah, I didn’t expect you to be so blunt about it,” Zack said with uneasiness in his voice.

‘ _Why should I sugar coat it_?’

“You don’t have to; I just wasn’t expecting it.”

‘ _Okay. Where is Cloud?_ ’ Leon asked, unsure if he actually wanted to know.

“He was arrested. Reno called the police after he called us.”

‘ _Arrested? What for? He didn_ _’_ _t actually do anything illegal, did he?_ ’

“Destruction of government property.”

‘ _…_ _Am I government property?_ ’

“No, the gestational tank was. You’re technically private property. The Technicians own you. The equipment we use is contracted through the government. The Technicians are not in the business of manufacturing machines; they just do the work with them and make Carriers.”

‘ _How comforting_.’

“Sorry, I’m not really sure how sensitive I need to be. You seem rather aloof to everything so far.”

‘ _I don_ _’_ _t believe any of this is real, so it_ _’_ _s okay._ ’

“Well… I’m not sure how I should approach that.”

‘ _Don_ _’_ _t worry about it. I_ _’_ _ll be fine._ ’

“I don’t believe you.”

‘ _I don_ _’_ _t have any other option other than being fine. I_ _’_ _ll eventually have to wake up and get back to work, which requires me to be fine. It doesn_ _’_ _t matter what I am in between now and then; the end result will be the same._ ’

Perturbed, Zack studied the Carrier’s battered face for any sign of emotion that would betray the icy words. There was none. “Leon, you’re scaring me.”

‘ _Why? I_ _’_ _m just telling the truth. It_ _’_ _s a good truth, isn_ _’_ _t it?_ ’

“I guess so? But you’re not reacting like you should. I’m concerned.”

‘ _Don_ _’_ _t be. Just ignore it and wait for me to be fine. It_ _’_ _ll happen eventually_.’

“Leon…”

‘ _Please, Zack. Just stop. It_ _’_ _s not a big deal_.’

“But—“

‘ _Stop. Just stop. I_ _’_ _d actually like to move on and ask what my prognosis is._ ’

“Eh…” Zack attempted, wondering how much stress he was willing to push on Leon to get him to realize the gravity of the situation. He couldn’t come up with an answer he was happy with and he settled for just humoring the Carrier for the moment. He heaved a heavy sigh. “Nothing’s broken. Just a lot of soft tissue damage. They want to keep you here for another day or so, but you could technically leave now if you wanted to. All you need is bed rest, ice, and some anti-inflammatory meds. They’re actually more concerned about your mentality than anything.”

‘ _Oh. It_ _’_ _s nice that they care, I guess. I didn_ _’_ _t think that would matter to them._ ’

“Well, you initially presented with symptoms akin to a heart attack but you didn’t have any necrosis or even a blockage. They watched you for about a day and you seem okay. You’re breathing alright, yeah?”

‘ _More or less, I suppose. I don_ _’_ _t want to try and take a deep breath. It hurts too much._ ’

“I don’t doubt it. They called your condition takosubo cardiomyopathy, though. I hadn’t heard of it before.”

‘ _Me either. But it_ _’_ _s basically a heart attack but not a heart attack? Weird._ ’

“That was my understanding, yeah. I wasn’t really listening.”

‘ _Doctors are boring. I wouldn_ _’_ _t really listen, either,_ ’ Leon said. He could feel the draw of sleep tugging at him, but he resisted.

“I was busy trying to make sure Tifa was okay. I figured if it was bad enough, I could just read your report later.”

‘ _Was Tifa crying_?’

“No. She was silent, which is worse.”

‘ _I don_ _’_ _t think I_ _’_ _ve ever seen her like that._ ’

“Probably not. She’s extremely pissed off and doesn’t usually get to that point.”

‘ _Is she here_?’

“No. She’s off visiting Cloud to get some answers.”

 

\----------------

 

Cloud felt miserable. There were multiple reasons for it, but the hangover he had been attempting to get rid of for the last day or so was still taking its toll on him. The officers that arrested him were nice enough to let him have a bottle of water, but not much else beyond that. He was trapped in a tiny holding cell for the time being and had nothing but a toilet and a concrete bench to accompany him. The door leading out of his cell was solid save for a small window that could slide open so he could be spoken to.

The other reason he felt miserable was the guilt. He could remember almost everything he had done the night before and he desperately wanted to feel justified, but found he couldn’t. Despite what the Midgar government and the Mako had told him for a portion of his life, he wasn’t actually a killer. He didn’t have the mental capacity needed for it to not affect him. However, he did feel Leon deserved some form of punishment for deceiving him. Or so he tried to convince himself.

Leon had never lied to him before, and everything the brunette told and promised him had come true in some form or another. Had he really lied about the project? Or had Cloud just misunderstood? The blonde couldn’t decide. He could remember the brunette’s bewilderment at his willingness to sign his contract, and looking back, Cloud felt he should’ve asked more questions because of it. But Leon also hadn’t volunteered much more information than that. How was Cloud supposed to know he didn’t have the whole picture? More importantly, did Leon _really_ keep the information from him on purpose?

There were so many questions to ponder, Cloud felt dizzy when he tried to sort through them. Spending the night trying to sleep on a concrete slab hadn’t helped his coherency any, and the raging headache and constant nausea rendered his mental status barely useable anyway. So, what his brain settled for was repeating to him how much of an awful monster he was. It was a nice summary of his personality that he didn’t have to question.

“Strife,” came an echoing call from outside his door. The abrupt noise hit him like a gunshot and he visibly startled before realizing someone was talking to him. He was lying on his back on the bench, and when he opened his eyes in surprise, the light made it feel like a screwdriver was being twisted into his retinas.

“Yeah?” he hissed, covering his face with his hands.

“Visitor,” the officer said before departing again. The tiny window on the door slid open and a pair of round chocolate colored eyes peeked through the grating at him. Cloud glanced at the door to see who it was and immediately let his head drop back to the slab with a loud groan.

“Why couldn’t you have been Zack?” he murmured.

“Why should I be? What difference does it make?” Tifa asked, furrowing her brows together angrily.

“Because I assume you’re here to talk.”

“I am. So?”

“Zack is easier to talk to.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. You’re scary.”

“Grow up, Cloud. Seriously. Toughen up before they send you to big boy prison because I hear the guys in there like their meat tender,” the woman seethed.

“Oh god don’t say that,” the blonde grumbled. He turned on his side and pulled the bottom hem of his shirt up. Covering his face with the fabric, he attempted to curl into a position that made his head hurt less.

“You’re very lucky there’s a steel door between us. I could break your neck right now, I’m so angry.”

“If I have a choice between that or prison, I’ll take prison, please.”

“I’m sure they’ll send you there regardless of the condition of your neck beforehand. But I digress. I’m here to figure out what the gods-be-damned-fuck is wrong with you. One. Two. Three. Start talking,” Tifa insisted, the impatience in her voice palpable.

“I was drunk.”

“Not an excuse. Try again.”

“I was _really_ drunk?”

“One more time.”

“Really really drunk?”

“Cloud!” the woman yelled, slamming her hands against the door. The resulting bang that rang out made the blonde’s head spin.

“Stop it!” Cloud yelled back. He slowly pushed himself up to sit and took a deep breath to try and push the nausea back down his esophagus. Turning, he settled his feet on the floor next to the slab and held his face in his hands and balanced his elbows on his knees. “If I start puking, I won’t be able to talk to you. So before you burst my head open, please stop,” he murmured.

Tifa was quiet for a moment. “Fine,” she decided.

Cloud took a moment to gather himself before speaking again. “Is he dead?” he asked quietly.

“No. Had he been human, he probably would be,” the woman said.

“Oh thank fuck,” the blonde sighed. Relief washed over him and made his skin break out in goosebumps. However, the surge of happiness he felt was quickly squashed under crippling guilt as he thought of Leon having to live with the damage he had caused him. His eyes started to water a bit against his will but he managed to keep the extra moisture trapped behind his eyelids for the moment.

“I would like to know why you did it.”

“This would be easier if you were Zack.”

“Well I’m not, so get over it.”

Cloud took another deep breath and looked down at his hands. His fingers were starting to shake. He was silent for several minutes before he had the courage to start speaking. “Before I was taken into the military, I had a plan. I stupidly thought that I could serve my time and eventually escape and come back home. Once there, I was going to marry my girl and have a family with her and live a normal life. I was going to be happy,” he explained. Chewing on the inside of his bottom lip, he was hesitant to continue. “Once I left, though, I realized how stupid that idea was and how I was most likely never going to see her again.

“But I did. I was deployed to my hometown to do patrols and the first thing I did was run back to her. I don’t remember much of it; I wish I did. But after I went back to the base, I found out that she had been killed when the city started fighting back and a bunch of riots started,” Cloud continued. The captive tears he was trying to keep to himself dripped free and he quickly wiped them away. “But that wasn’t true. I killed her when I was there. I don’t even remember what she did but I lost control while on Mako and… killed her and burnt our home to the ground. The kids she was watching for the government and the girl that was helping her went with it. I murdered the most important thing in my life… for nothing.

“I don’t remember actually doing any of this, but Leon was the one to show me. I can barely remember why he did, but he did. I think he was trying to scare me into believing that running away with him was better than staying where I was… or something. I’ve lost a lot of time between joining the military and recovering; I just don’t remember most of it. But I do remember him showing me what I had done on his computer thing and… I’ve hated him ever since. I barely sleep anymore, I don’t eat like I used to, and I spend a lot of my time just wishing something would come along and either kill me or make me forget any of it ever happened.

“But I can’t forget. Even when I’m completely shitfaced, that’s all I can think about. It never goes away. I torture myself every day over what a piece of garbage I am because of what he showed me. I was perfectly okay living in blissful ignorance thinking she died in an accident. It was bad enough knowing she was gone, but to know that it’s my fault makes it so much worse,” Cloud explained. He brought the bottom hem of his shirt up again and used the fabric to wipe his eyes. Sniffling loudly, he heaved a deep shaking breath.

“So that’s why you did it? Because he showed you the truth?” Tifa asked.

“No. I didn’t realize that when he explained how Carriers were made, it meant we were literally having kids together. I had no idea until last night when Sunny explained it to me in more detail; she was really shocked that I didn’t know. I didn’t even know two men could apparently have kids together, which is common knowledge supposedly?” Cloud guessed. He ran a hand through his hair. “But that doesn’t matter. I was okay thinking that some random third or fourth person was involved behind the scenes. I didn’t have to know them or acknowledge them.

“But I can’t have a family with Leon. I already hated him so the idea made my skin crawl. He had no right helping himself to that opportunity. There was only one person I ever wanted to have a family with, and it feels like he spat in her face and took it for himself. Even now, I feel like shit for what I did last night, but the idea that he even tried to do something that was on her level makes my blood boil. He’s not that important. He’s not allowed to be,” the blonde said earnestly.

“Do you really think he went out of his way to deceive you like that?” the woman asked.

“No. Which is why I hate what I did,” Cloud said, wiping his face again.

“But you still did it.”

“The alcohol probably didn’t help.”

“What would’ve changed had it not been there?”

“I’m not sure. I want to say I would’ve just punched him in the mouth and screamed at him but I’m not convinced I would’ve kept it that tame.”

“It seems to me that you have control issues when there’re inebriating substances involved.”

“I know. I figured that out.”

“So if you don’t think he actively tried to trick you, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I still hate him. I always have. But I don’t feel like I should. He’s promised me everything and has lived up to all those promises so far like he said he would. He doesn’t force me to do things I don’t want to do, he doesn’t bother me when I don’t want him to, he doesn’t butt into my life like he owns it, he tries to help me if I need it, and he doesn’t even try to be my friend because he knows how much I dislike him. I literally have zero reason to hate him after all this time, but I still do.”

“I don’t think you do. I think you hate yourself, and he reminds you of that.”

“Probably,” Cloud agreed. He sucked in a deep breath through his nose and let it out through his mouth, pinching the bridge of his nose as he did so. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, he tried to push his headache aside and focus. “I need help, Tifa,” he decided.

“Yes, you do,” she said.

“What should I do?”

“Well, your next plan of action will be determined after Leon can speak for himself. If he decides to keep you as his Charge, the government will press charges and you’ll be sent off to serve some time that’s equal to whatever cost you incurred when you destroyed the lab. There’s a graph I can show you that shows what cost equals what time, but that doesn’t really matter. If Leon decides to drop you, which I think he should, the government will still press charges, but so will the Technicians. Your damage costs will go up substantially because you’re going to compensate for the extra resources they need in order to find a new Charge for Leon as well as the additional medical costs you’ve caused.”

“Oh. I’m only being charged for damage?”

“It’s not illegal to beat Carriers half to death. We’re considered property, but the idea is that you’ll pay off those extra medical costs with work if you remain a Charge, so they don’t factor into actual jail time unless you leave. The government is more concerned about the cost of equipment, so they’ll get you regardless.”

“But what about the… uh…”

“The fetus?”

“Yeah,” Cloud murmured.

“Babies do not have rights until they are matured and removed from gestation, birthed in some way, or the parent objects to having the child destroyed and it is anyway. Leon isn’t technically a parent because he isn’t human. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t press charges against you for killing his child.”

“I see. I’m sure he would want to. Recently, when I would go to the lab, there was a pretty decent chance I’d find him by the tank just sitting with her and doing whatever. If she had been in an egg instead, he’d probably sit on her like a mother bird,” Cloud explained, drying his face one last time. He dropped his shirt back into place with a tired sigh.

“Cloud, the only things Leon has ever asked for in his entire life are peace and a family. You’ve stolen both from him. I’m not sure how you’re going to fix this.”

“Neither am I.”


	82. Chapter 82

Chapter 82

Leon was home. Another night at the hospital had proven to be beneficial when he realized he could open his eyes somewhat and actually see again that morning. His injuries were still swollen, but the initial trauma had passed and it could only get better from there. However, that was only on the surface and the least of his concerns. Now alert and fully aware of what had happened, he had mixed feelings about being home. He was nervous about confronting the problem and starting to recover; he wasn’t sure he was strong enough. He no longer ignorantly believed that he would be fine and that he had been dreaming, but he didn’t tell anyone that.

For the first two days he was home, he was in bed. Zack and Tifa worked in shifts to make sure Leon was never alone. They were under specific instructions from the Technicians to keep watch for any mental instability. Joshua and Neku volunteered to help as well, and between the four of them, Leon couldn’t find any peace. They sort of left him alone and didn’t demand he be up and doing anything, but just having another person around him made it difficult for him to recover mentally.

He could understand why it was important, though. ‘Mental instability’ was a nice way of saying they needed to watch for suicidal tendencies. The only thing he was allowed to do by himself was use the toilet, and even then, they were right outside the door listening for any mischief. Leon didn’t have the energy for general mischief let alone the kind that would kill him. Between the incessant soreness and being forced to be around people all day, he felt constantly drained and anxious all the time.

Ansem had come to see him. The Technician sat on the edge of his bed and gave him a tiny wavering smile. Leon was propped up on a mountain of pillows slowly falling asleep for what felt like the hundredth time that day. He stared at Ansem blankly, anticipating the conversation they were going to have. The brunette knew it would be about Cloud, and he wasn’t incorrect.

“How’re you feeling, Leon?” the man asked him.

“Crushed,” the Carrier replied, his voice hoarse. That morning, he had recovered the ability to speak with only some difficulty, even if it was painful. Swallowing hurt severely, but he could manage that too. All good things.

“I don’t blame you. Would you believe me if I said you did everything correctly?”

“What do you mean?”

“You didn’t fight back. Cloud didn’t have a scratch on him, and that means there isn’t going to be a debate on what happened and who the culprit was. He’ll walk into a courtroom for maybe three minutes, get his sentence, and leave to fill it; just enough of a trial to say there was one, but there may as well not have been. There’s no contest here. That’s a good thing.”

“Okay,” Leon said flatly, unsure of what the man wanted him to say.

“The only thing I need from you is an answer. Should he remain your Charge?” Ansem asked. The brunette was quiet for a moment. This was a question he had been pondering ever since Tifa had returned from interrogating Cloud and explained the blonde’s reasoning. At the time, he didn’t have a comment. But now that he had time to dwell on his mistakes, the answer was clear.

“Only if he wants to,” the Carrier said. The Technician’s eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Really? You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“I’m… very shocked, if I may be frank. I had expected you to make him leave. Most do when faced with this sort of situation.”

“It’s my fault he is the way he is. He reacted badly because I didn’t educate him properly and tried to shoehorn my way into a very sensitive part of his life. I didn’t mean to, but given his history, I should’ve seen it coming. It’s my fault.”

“I see. Well, I’m not going to dispute your decision, but I would like you to take the time between now and the end of Cloud’s initial jail sentence to seriously evaluate how much it means to you. He has to serve time, that much is sure, but he’ll do the government’s first. If you change your mind before then and he’s cut from your program, then he will just remain where he is until his second sentence is over. There’s no pressure to rush into things.”

“If there’s no pressure, why bother asking now?”

“I would’ve said the same thing had you agreed to cut him. It’s a big decision and it’s not one that should be made while the wounds are fresh. I wanted to know where your head is at, is all.”

“Oh. How long will he be gone for?”

“A little less than a year. In the grand scheme of things, gestational tanks and their stasis and diagnosis siblings aren’t the most expensive pieces of equipment we have. Had he destroyed a terminal of some kind, it would be a much longer sentence. Do you think that’s enough time to recover and make an educated decision?”

“Yes, because it won’t change anything. If I could change the past, then maybe it would, but I can’t, so it won’t.”

“Well, I still encourage you to think about it.”

“I’ll try.”

“I don’t want a situation where being around him is more of a detriment to your stability than helping it. It’s my understanding that you’re not very close like other pairs are.”

“Oh really? I thought everyone stomped each other’s kids,” Leon spat sarcastically.

Ansem scowled. “No need to be facetious.”

“I’m not going to apologize. You don’t need to bring up how nonstandard we are. We’re both fully aware of it. I still stand by my decision, regardless. It’s just how we are.”

“Are you happy with that, though?”

“Since when do Technicians give a damn about happiness? What, is it because I might get so unhappy I might kill myself and you’d waste a ton of money finding enough DNA to replace me? You could just clone me, you know. That’s not expensive. I could do it myself tomorrow if I wanted to.”

“You really don’t need to react like this. You’re not helping me believe that you’ll be alright. Getting defensive doesn’t do anything of benefit.”

“Bringing my happiness and mental stability into question doesn’t really help me either. I’m completely aware of my situation. You don’t need to remind me of it and then act like I don’t know what I’m talking about when I answer you. It’s insulting to think I’m that ignorant.”

Ansem put up his hands defensively, giving in. “Fine. I’ll take your word for it. I don’t believe any of this is your fault like you do, but if you want it to be, then it can be. I won’t say anything else.”

“Good,” Leon grumbled, keeping icy eyes on the man as Ansem let out a tiny sigh.

“I’ll check in with you in a few months. If you need anything, you can call me,” the Technician offered.

“Fine.”

“I hope your recovery is swift,” the man said, standing as he did so. He took his leave quickly and quietly, the frustration on his face apparent. Tifa stepped through the door before it closed again, preparing to take her shift watching Leon. The brunette let out an exhausted grumble and tried to push himself further into his pillows to hide from her.

“Didn’t go so well?” she asked, taking Ansem’s spot on the edge of his bed.

“It was fine,” Leon clipped, trying to curtail the conversation so he could have some peace.

“Did he ask you if you wanted to keep Cloud?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“He wouldn’t take my answer seriously because he said I needed to think about it more.”

“What was your answer?”

“He can stay if he wants to.”

“What?!” Tifa gasped. Leon promptly sent her a sharp glare and rolled onto his side to give his back to her. He yanked the blankets up higher and pulled them over his head. “You can’t be serious! After everything he did?”

“Go away, Tifa.”

“No! I can’t believe you’d make such a stupid decision! He deserves to rot for everything he did!”

“Leave.”

“Think about it Leon; he’s taken advantage of you and hasn’t given anything in return! He’s taken more from you than you probably wanted to give! He’s a parasite!”

“Be quiet!” the brunette roared. The woman flinched from the sudden increase in volume. Leon’s sharp voice hurt her ears and she quickly covered them for a moment. The other Carrier slowly sat up again, letting out a grunt as his injuries resisted the movement. He fixed an acidic glare on her.

“You need to reconsider the danger he poses to your family,” she murmured, rubbing her ears gently.

“He _is_ my family!” Leon spat. He started coughing, his irritated throat coming back with a vengeance from the strain.

“Family doesn’t do the things he does. He doesn’t give a damn about you, Leon. You need someone who does.”

“And if I force him to leave? What’s that going to do? It’ll probably kill him once he’s out of prison if he doesn’t die while he’s there. If I just dump him on the street, all he’s going to do is find something to kill himself with whether he means to or not. Alcohol? Drugs? A random disease from some woman he’s fucked? He’d have nothing else to do.”

“He deserves whatever he gets. You don’t owe him anything.”

“I ruined his life. I showed him things he should’ve forgotten. I took him from his home and threw him in an unfamiliar environment. He is the way he is because of me. It’s my fault he’s reacted badly, and I’m going to try my hardest to fix it if he’s willing to let me. Your opinion won’t change that.”

“Leon. Listen to yourself. This isn’t your fault.”

“You told me it was!”

“No I didn’t! I just explained what Cloud said! That doesn’t mean he’s right!”

“It doesn’t matter what is or isn’t correct. It’s what he thinks, and therefore it’s valid. So long as he believes what he thinks, then it’ll be a hurdle to overcome. Something _I_ have to overcome.”

“I don’t believe this,” Tifa sighed, shaking her head. “You shouldn’t have to fight and overcome anyth—“

“But I do. Not everyone can have a picture perfect relationship like you, Tifa. Life doesn’t always work that way.”

“Zack and I aren’t picture perfect. We’ve had our own share of problems—“

Leon put up a hand to stop her from speaking. “Shut up. Just… shut up. If you try to relate to me, I’m going to be really insulted because you have literally _no_ idea what my life has been like. So just fuck off,” the brunette said icily.

“I would know if you’d tell me.”

“Well I’m not going to. So, you can either get over it and be quiet or you can keep talking until I pick you up and remove you from my space. I’m done.”

“Fine. Do whatever you want, Leon. Don’t call me if you need something,” the woman seethed. She fished Cloud’s watch out of her pocket and set it on his bedside table before standing and stomping out of the room. She slammed the door on her way out.

Leon didn’t care about how angry she was. He was happy she was gone, but was also very hurt that she left his Charge’s watch behind. Whoever was watching him was supposed to be carrying it around with them so they could have some forewarning if he was tipping over the edge. High mental distress was communicated over the Signet just as easily as anything else, and it was an important tool that Tifa chose to forego. By leaving it behind, it told him that she didn’t care if he did choose to kill himself. She didn’t want to know.

He knew that they didn’t have the best relationship, but he still considered Tifa part of his family to some degree. But apparently she, just like Cloud, didn’t give a damn about him. She only seemed to care under certain circumstances, and if he didn’t abide by those terms, she wasn’t going to be there for him. That hurt. He didn’t want to have any part of that sort of family. It was easier to deal with the type of family Cloud was; at the very least he understood where they were with one another.

 

\------------------------

 

Another day passed. Returning to the lab for the first time was a much more difficult task than Leon had anticipated. He had been so fond of walking in and seeing the Gestational Terminal awake and the tank filled with liquid. It made him feel like he was getting somewhere and that his efforts up until that point in his life hadn’t been a giant waste of time despite how painful they had been. Now there was nothing. No work. No life. No Charge. No progress. Nothing.

Leon had dragged his blanket off his bed and wore it like a cowl as he wandered into the space, his achy body reminding him what a bad idea it was. There was a small delusional part of himself that hoped that time had somehow rewound itself and that he’d walk in and everything would be as it should be. But it wasn’t, of course. The room was almost offensively sterile as it had been cleaned from top to bottom, and the light was unrealistically bright to him. He hated it. It didn’t feel like his space anymore.

The giant gaping hole in the gestational tank loomed in front of him like a cold abyss, pulling at what was left of his emotional stability. He took a long shaking breath and tugged his blanket around himself tighter. A burning sensation pricked the backs of his eyes as they started watering and dripping without his permission.

Sniffling, he meandered over to the unbroken side of the tank and leaned against it. Slowly, he used the glass as a support so he could ease himself to the floor. Huddling against it, he tucked the blanket around himself and then used a corner of it to wipe his eyes. He eventually hugged his knees to his chest and softly rested his cheek against them, letting the tears drip wherever they wanted to.

Joshua was with him and had kept his distance at the brunette’s request. He, as well as Neku and some of the other pairs in their hallway, had worked diligently to clean the lab as much as possible. It took a lot of elbow grease and bleach to get the smell of blood out of the drain in the middle of the floor. He never wanted to have that experience ever again.

Everyone involved had shed a couple tears when it came time to dispose of the tiny unrecognizable mass of remains simply because they understood the pain it represented. None of them could imagine any of their partners reacting like Cloud had, and it made the blonde seem like an otherworldly anomaly to be feared. They didn’t want him to come back. What if he came unhinged again? Would he attack someone else’s lab?

When he was being arrested, Cloud hadn’t been able to control his words. He had thrashed and fought against the officer’s hands as they tried to drag him away, screaming obscenities and slurs at everyone around him. He had made it abundantly clear that he believed they were all disgusting faggots that needed to burn and that he hoped every single one of their mutant children died in the most horrible ways. They hadn’t had much of an opinion of him prior to his episode, but now they sure as hell weren’t going to let him near any of their labs even if his intentions were innocent.

Once Leon’s initial sniffling had subsided, Joshua made his way over to the brunette and quietly sat beside him. He gently leaned against the brunette’s side and rested his temple against his shoulder. Like everyone else, Joshua was worried for his friend. He knew what Leon had decided about Cloud, and though he didn’t agree, he didn’t say anything about it. Leon was an intelligent person; Joshua was sure he would change his mind once his mourning was over.

“Do you think it’d be insulting to abused women everywhere if I said this feels like my husband got angry at me for being pregnant and pushed me down some stairs to get rid of it?” Leon murmured quietly from under his blanket. Joshua frowned.

“I’m not sure if it’d be insulting, but the analogy is fairly accurate I think.”

“Well, just in case, we can keep that between us. I don’t need any angry pregnant women beating the shit out of me,” the brunette said. He picked his head up again and wiped his face with his blanket.

Joshua smiled a bit. “Your secret is safe with me.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Are you ready to head back to your room?”

“Not yet.”

“M’kay,” Joshua said. He sat up straight again and looked around. “The floor isn’t very comfortable though. I’ll get a chair.”

“I’m okay. I just… want to stay here.”

“Oh. Alright.”

“I know I’m being weird.”

“I don’t think so. I just don’t know what you plan on doing in here. It’s not exactly a pillar of entertainment.”

“I planned on sitting.”

“And after you lose feeling in your butt, then what?”

“Sit some more probably.”

“Ah, okay. I’m going to go sit in a chair then. I’ll be over there if you need me,” Joshua said as he pushed himself up from his spot.

They sat together for over an hour. The sandy blonde busied himself with reading the news feed on Cloud’s tablet whilst Leon did just as he said he would and sat by what remained of the gestational chamber. Even though he was losing feeling in his limbs, the brunette didn’t say anything, didn’t move, and didn’t give any other indication that he was going back to his room. Once time ticked closer to the two hour mark, Joshua was starting to lose his patience.

“Are you ready to go back now? You can’t be comfortable over there,” he asked from his seat by the exam table.

“It’s not comfortable, but I don’t want to leave,” Leon murmured. Joshua was quiet for a moment before he heaved a heavy breath and got up from his seat. He went to the Catalogue Terminal and put a call in to his own lab, hoping Neku would answer. The strawberry blonde picked up quickly.

“What’s up?” Neku asked, raising a brow.

“I need you to do me a favor,” Joshua said.

“I figured. You wouldn’t call me if you didn’t need something.”

“Fair point.”

“What’d you need?”

“Can you bring me the stuff you used to make my hidey-hole?”

“Uh, I guess so. Are you okay?” his Charge asked, his brows pushing together worriedly.

“It’s not for me. I need a bigger crate to shove Leon in, though. And more pillows. And blankets. Maybe some cushions.”

“Oh. Yeah, I can bring you something, I think. Am I looking for a crate for Leon with two legs or four legs?”

“Two.”

“Okay. Give me an hour or so. I have to find one that’s big enough and then… somehow drag it all the way over there,” Neku said hesitantly, realizing just how much of a task his Carrier was handing him. He wasn’t sure he was okay with doing the grunt work, but he knew Joshua couldn’t leave Leon, so he didn’t say anything.

The conversation ended there and Neku went off to find his list of supplies. Leon didn’t question whatever Joshua had planned for him, not because he fully trusted the sandy blonde, but because he hadn’t been listening. For him, the latter half of their time together in the lab had been spent in a haze. Grief was pulling at every fiber of his being and making his body feel incredibly heavy and debilitated. After a while, he just couldn’t feel anything anymore. Mentally numb, he silently rested his temple against the glass and stared ahead of himself at nothing. It was what he had been asking for since coming home; a blind nothingness encompassing his entire thinking space. It was almost like the pain didn’t exist anymore.

Neku arrived some time later, pushing a large plastic crate in front of himself. The box was on a wheeled dolly for easy transport and filled to the brim with an excess of pillows and blankets, some of which had been pulled from Leon’s bed. The brunette couldn’t be bothered to register what was happening behind him as Joshua and Neku went about arranging everything inside the crate. When they were done, the box had turned into a tightly packed house of padding with a spot in the middle for Leon to park himself.

“Hey,” Joshua said, approaching the brunette cautiously. His friend glanced at him briefly, eyes unfocused. He frowned and leaned down to tug his blanket lightly. “Come see this thing we made.”

“Hm?” Leon hummed, picking his head up off the glass. He gently turned in place as much as he could stand and took in the pseudo den that had been built for him. It had been pushed as close as possible to the gestational tank; right were Leon wanted to stay. “What is it?” he asked confusedly.

“I’m not sure what to call it officially. I called it a hidey-hole when Neku made it for me a while ago. It helped calm me down last year when I had my nightmare problems. It’s nice; makes you feel safe.”

“That’s… kind of weird, Josh.”

“Yeah, I know. But at least it’s a lot nicer place to be in versus sitting on the floor all day.”

“I guess,” the brunette agreed.

“Just try it,” Joshua urged. He offered his hands to his friend to help pull him up.

Leon took them and slowly tried to stand. His joints felt like they were trying to fuse together and his entire body hurt. He couldn’t deny that finding a better place to sit was high on his priority list right then. Carefully, he stepped over the side of the crate and eased himself into the space that had been left for him. It was a tight fit at first, but he immediately started rearranging everything to suit him.

He ended up with a fluffy space that followed the contours of his body as he settled in. Once buried up to his hairline in blankets, he let out a deep breath. The warmth and security of not being exposed on all sides helped his anxiety ease a little. His bedding being brought in proved to be the most comforting part of it; the space smelled like him, so it was familiar. He was able to be in his lab and not feel like he was trespassing in a place where he was supposed to belong. It was a tiny victory in what felt like an endless sea of failures.

The relief that washed over him was brief, though. His anxiety wasn’t so strong that it paralyzed his thoughts anymore and grief started to pull at him again. He would’ve liked the emotional rollercoaster to stop and give him a break, but it didn’t. Soon, the tears were dripping free again and being absorbed by his pillow. He didn’t like being able to feel things, and he was tempted to climb out of the box and go back to what he had been doing before so he didn’t have to deal with it. The desire to run from his problem was strong, but the effort it would take to move was even more oppressive. In the end, he decided to just stay put.

 

\-----------------

 

“Reno, calm down,” Rude demanded as his seat was shaken by his Carrier’s incessant fidgeting. Reno’s knee had been bouncing up and down for most of their car ride together, and after two hours, Rude had had enough. The constant vibrating was annoying.

The redhead was nervous, and rightfully so. They were taking a big risk by leaving their dome without Technician approval, but he was more concerned by how Leon would react to seeing him again and if he was even able to. No one had called or updated Reno on the aftermath of Cloud’s outburst and he had spent the last few days fearing the worst. He could’ve called, but if Leon was able to see him, he wanted to do it face-to-face; it was more meaningful that way.

“Sorry,” Reno muttered, watching the dry scenery whiz by his window. His leg stopped moving but he subconsciously started picking at his bottom lip instead.

“I’m sure Zack and Tifa would’ve called if it was really that bad,” Rude said, slouching in his seat more and using the car door as a partial head rest.

“They might be too busy dealing with the worst, so I’m not convinced everything is honey and roses over there.”

“Well of course it won’t be; he was hit in the face with a chair. But I doubt he’s dead.”

“There’s more than one way to kill a guy, you know.”  
“And do you honestly believe Cloud has the resources to do a lot of those ways?”

“We have Bunsen burners; he could’ve lit Leon on fire.”

“Was there a Bunsen burner around when Cloud got there?” Rude asked.

“…Not that I saw,” Reno said.

“I doubt he took the time to set one up.”

“Doesn’t mean it didn’t exist.”

“True, but I still doubt it.”

“Yeah but—“

“Stop it. I’m not going to argue about this again.”

“Ugh, you’re awful at comforting me,” the redhead whined with a deep frown.

“I was okay for the first couple days. You’ve just gone off the deep end and resorted to being stupid.”

“But I’m worried.”

“And that’s fine, but you don’t have to kill yourself over it. Don’t think I don’t know about you not sleeping or eating as much as you tell me you are.”

“You do?” Reno questioned, turning to Rude and giving him wide surprised eyes.

“Mhm. A little impala-shaped birdy told me,” the Charge said, casting a sidelong glance at the passenger seat in front of him. Reno immediately looked to the front of the car with a searing glare.

His cousin Demetrius and his Charge Adam were in cahoots with them. They were both much older than Reno, and had an established family with a house and outside amenities. One such luxury was a car. They took pity on their very distressed younger cousin and volunteered to help however they could. Reno immediately took them up on that offer. After some packing and bribing the guards at the entrance of their dome, they were well on their way to Dome 813 to see if Leon was okay. However, at the discovery of his cousin’s betrayal, Reno forgot how grateful he was and leaned into the front seat and punched Demetrius’ shoulder.

“Ah! What was that for?!” the other Carrier wailed. He turned in his seat and set angry amber eyes on the redhead with a scowl.

As one of the more flamboyant cousins Reno had, Demetrius wasn’t very threatening even when he was trying to be. He didn’t have the deepest voice, he wasn’t very tall, he was quite slender, and his meticulously coifed hair was usually the butt of many jokes when his family decided to pick on him. He kept his styles short, but they were often shaped in such a way that they almost looked like they were made of molded plastic. His current choice was a pompadour that ended in one giant perfectly shaped curl that was pinned left of center just above his hairline. That, coupled with the bright aquamarine color and lime green tips made it look like an emulation of a picturesque wave rolling off the ocean.

“Being a snitch,” Reno spat childishly. “I told you not to tell him!”

“Hey, lick my balls, okay? I’m not the mopey dork that decided to wander around the city at all hours of the morning. I was worried about you, so I let Rude know so he could help you. Whatever marital issues that might’ve caused between you two were not my concern,” Demetrius explained.

“I was just taking a walk; it wasn’t a big deal. I only did it once, so making an issue of it wasn’t necessary. You’re an asshole,” the redhead huffed.

“Call me whatever you want, man. You were being stupid. You could’ve been arrested for breaking curfew and then who knows what could’ve happened? Don’t get pissy at me because I never promised I wouldn’t say anything; you just told me not to.” The cousin reached back between the seats and abruptly punched Reno on his thigh. “And don’t fucking hit me,” he demanded.

“Ow! Prick!” Reno spat and slapped the other Carrier’s arm as it tried to pull away from him. Demetrius immediately smacked him back, and Reno retaliated, and then the cousin did it again. The tiff quickly descended into a sad excuse of a slap fight, and it only got worse as Reno tried to sink down off of his seat to escape and Demetrius started to pull himself through the space between the front seats to get to him. It didn’t take long for the driver, Adam, to lose his patience.

Adam was a sharp contrast to Demetrius’ phenotype. He was very tall, somewhat built, and had an uncharacteristically deep voice that didn’t match his very vanilla features. His face was unremarkable, but his almost literally white porcelain flawless skin and naturally bleach-blonde hair stood out as an anomaly amongst his peers. He didn’t have a form of albinism; his appearance was quite common back on his home plane. But in addition to that, his eyes were a seemingly unnatural amethyst color. People often asked him if he wore colored contact lenses, but he didn’t. That was just the way he was.

“Both of you cut it out!” Adam boomed from his seat. He twisted his arm around and grabbed the back pocket of Demetrius’ skinny jeans and yanked him back to where he was supposed to be. “I can’t believe how quickly you guys turned this car into a giant can of motorized bullshit! Don’t make me rip the lid off and dump you both outside to burn!”

“Yeegh! What a terrible thing to say!” Demetrius piped, holding his face between his hands and staring at his cranky Charge with distressed eyes.

“Then stop dicking around like this is a playground. I can barely tell the difference between anything out here; it all looks the same. I don’t need a couple of grown-ass faggots distracting me from seeing if something gets in the way!”

“Okay, I get what you’re saying, but… sugar, you’re a grown-ass faggot, too. Please explain how that’s an insult.”

Adam cast a sideways glare at his Carrier. “Because right now I’m less of a faggot than you are,” he grumbled, his angry tone subduing quickly.

“…How does that work?”

“Because I’m the angry one and I made a decision.”

“Oh,” Demetrius said as an amused smile spreading across his face. He snorted a bit and laughed under his breath. “Okay. Whatever works for you, I guess. That might cause a problem in the future, though.”

“You think so?” Adam asked.

“Well, I mean, I don’t know if you know this, but roughly a trillion years ago you and I decided to be grown-ass faggots together and if you can suddenly just… decided to be less of one every time you get angry at me, then eventually you’ll just run out of faggot and become a boring grown-ass non-faggot. I didn’t sign up for that, sorry.”

“That’s very true. Wouldn’t want to have to submit a revision of my job description to the Technicians; that’s too much work.”

“Exactly. And I’m too delicate to do work.”

“Yeah, I know. Everyone does.”

“And they still make me do it? That’s evil.”

“A necessary evil, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah, yeah…” the Carrier drifted with a deep sigh. He settled back into his seat and crossed his arms over his chest with a huff. Adam eventually reached over and held his hand out to him, and his Carrier took it and laced their fingers together.

“I’m sorry I called you guys faggots,” Adam said.

“Oh please. Do you _really_ think I’m offended?” Demetrius asked rhetorically as he rolled his eyes.

“Even if you’re not, it’s still a bad word. I shouldn’t say it.”

Reno pushed himself back up into his seat and leaned forward into the space between the front ones. “It’s not like we weren’t having a disgustingly stereotypical bitch fight back here. It was warranted,” he said. Looking to Rude, he expected his Charge to be ignoring them, but instead, he was blandly staring ahead of himself with a hand over part of his face and his mouth pressed into a line. “Are you okay?” the redhead asked.

“Yeah. I’m just trying to absorb the things I’ve had to witness on this trip,” Rude said, wearing a very clear ‘I can’t believe this’ sort of expression. Reno laughed a bit.

“Sorry.”

“No you’re not.”

“You’re right, but I still tried to make you feel better, so it counts,” the redhead said.

Adam interrupted their conversation before Rude could reply. “Is that the one? Check the thing,” he said, motioning out the front window briefly. In the distance, a rounded dome was coming over the horizon. They were still fairly far from it, but they could still see.

“The thing?” Demetrius asked confusedly.

“The PGS or whatever. On my tablet.”

“Oh! The GPS?”

“Yeah that thing,” Adam agreed. His Carrier snickered at him some as he bent forward to pull the aforementioned tablet from their bag. “Don’t laugh at me. I can never remember what it’s called. I never use it!”

“Yes yes, whatever you say,” Demetrius teased. He quickly brought up the GPS map to confirm their location. “Yeah, that’s it,” he said.

“Good. My butt’s starting to hurt from sitting so long.”

“Oh no! Not butt pain! I’ll give you a massage later. You’ll be okay.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“Excellent.”

Reno couldn’t be bothered to be amused by the pair’s exchanges anymore. Instead of nervously bouncing his knee or picking at his lip, he settled for chewing on a fingernail and staring ahead at the back of Adam’s seat. After a moment of anxious neuroticism, he felt Rude’s knee nudge his to get his attention. His Charge was holding a hand out to him and giving him and expectant look. Reno readily scooted across the seat and invaded his personal space, hugging him around his torso and squashing his face into his Charge’s chest.

“He’ll be okay,” Rude reassured quietly, settling his hand against the redhead’s back and giving it a comforting rub.

“I hope so,” Reno murmured sadly.

 

\------------------

 

“Oi! Where’s my sugar?!” Demetrius demanded as he let the car door close behind him.

Once they arrived at the feline facility, Reno all but flew out of the vehicle and ran for the front door. He abruptly stopped and turned around at his cousin’s outburst and hurried back to him.

“Sorry, sorry,” the redhead muttered anxiously, quickly wrapping his arms around the other Carrier’s chest and giving him a firm hug. Demetrius hugged him back and kissed his cheek. However, he didn’t let Reno run off right away and held him in place to speak into his ear softly.

“Don’t be stupid, okay? I don’t need you getting caught and euthanized, got it?” the older cousin said seriously.

“I don’t think anyone here will say anything. They probably don’t care.”

“I’m not worried about them. You can’t eat anything here; you have to go into the city for food. Don’t be obvious about what you are. This isn’t home and we don’t know how the people here will react.”

“I… forgot about that,” the redhead grumbled.

“I know, that’s why I’m telling you. Do you have money to eat with?”

“…Some.”

“I’ll forward you some when I get a chance.”

“Thank you,” Reno sighed, burying his face into his cousin’s shoulder in shame. He felt like a leech and it wasn’t sitting well with him.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll pay you back. For everything.”

“I said don’t worry about it.”

“I know, but—“

Demetrius sighed. “Oh, my babiest of baby cousins, just shut up and let me shower you with monetary love,” he said, squeezing Reno tightly and swaying them both side to side dramatically. The redhead nearly tripped over his own feet as he was yanked around, but the other man held him upright.

“Okay, okay, okay! I get it,” Reno spat, struggling against the other’s arms. Demetrius let him go and the redhead let out a long frustrated breath as he smoothed his clothing back into place.

“Don’t be cranky about it; what am I going to use it for? Adam already has enough sequined thongs; the man doesn’t need any more. And besides that, it’s hard to find a productive use for money anymore.”

“It’s true,” Adam piped as he rounded the front of the car. Lifting up the side of his shirt, he dipped his thumb under the top hem of his jeans and hooked it around the side of his underwear and tugged it upwards. Out came a thin, green, and glittery elastic band that was consistent with the look of a sequined thong. He let it snap against his side before letting his shirt drop back into place.

Demetrius gasped. “Holy shit you’re actually wearing it?!” he squeaked.

Reno covered his face with his hands and backed away from them. “Ew! You guys are so gross! Oh my god!”

“Wow…” Rude trailed from the trunk of the car. He had been dutifully retrieving their luggage.

“Why not? You bought it for me,” Adam asked with a shrug.

“That’s actually a pretty good point. Why not to sequin thong?” Demetrius agreed, putting on a sagely face as he put one hand over his heart and lifted the other towards the sky as if he was posing a philosophical question to the heavens. “To sequin thong? Or to not sequin thong? That is the question.”

“I’m _so_ happy there’s no one out here with us,” Reno mumbled, dragging his hands down his face and pulling at his cheeks.

“Oh shut up; you like it,” his Carrier cousin said.

“I know, and it bothers me,” the redhead grumbled.

“Bad influences,” Rude piped, tugging their wheeled bags behind him.

“I like to believe we’re a pillar of happiness everyone can aspire to be. Its great being so damn ancient that you just don’t give any fucks anymore,” Adam said. Pursing his lips, Demetrius nodded in agreement.

“I guess,” Reno sighed.

“But in all seriousness, do be careful,” the pale Charge encouraged.

“Don’t get eaten,” Demetrius said.

“I’ll try not to,” the redhead said.

“Call us every day so we can give you a status report on your lab and your samples. We need to come back and get you when they start to degrade too much.”

“Thanks for covering for us.”

“No problem. I hope your friend is okay. Do you want us to wait around until you’re sure you want to stay?”

“No, it’s okay. There’re a couple people we can visit while we’re here too.”

“Okay. We’ll see you later, then,” Demetrius said. He swooped in for another quick hug and peck on the cheek before stepping back and giving the pair his last goodbyes. Adam did as well.

Once inside, Reno and Rude quickly realized there was a major problem with their plan. They had no idea where they were going and hadn’t told anyone to meet with them. Luckily, the lack of forethought on their part was alleviated when a Carrier/Charge pair came meandering around the corner down at the end of the hallway. When asked, they knew exactly who Reno was talking about and where to point him. By that point, everyone knew what had transpired and that was worrisome to him.

Reno burst through the doors of Leon’s lab and looked around with wide searching eyes. Zack visibly startled and dropped his tablet on the exam table with an obnoxious clatter. He fumbled it around trying to catch it and stop it from making more noise, but only succeeded in flipping it off the edge and onto the floor. With a defeated sigh he turned his attention to the doors and his eyebrows lifted in surprise when he saw who it was.

“Sorry!” Reno blurted quickly.

“Ssh!” Zack shushed. He stood from his seat and went to the doors, tugging the redhead out into the hallway by his shirtsleeve. Once they were a short distance away, he spoke in hushed tones. “What’re you two doing here?” he asked.

“Checking on Leon. Where is he?” the redhead said hurriedly.

“He’s in a box.”

“A… box? Like… like a pine box?” Reno guessed, his heart starting to crack and fall apart.

“No, it’s plastic.”

“So… he’s… he’s dead?” the redhead asked, his eyes starting to water. Shocked by the conclusion Reno had come to, Zack scrunched his face up in confusion.

“What? No! How does being in a plastic box mean he died?” he asked.

“Oh Christ on a tricycle,” Reno gasped, covering his heart with his hands as he heaved a deep and shaky relieved sigh. Unable to catch his breath through his temporary panic, he took a moment to breathe and get rid of the tension so he could speak. He wiped his eyes dry. “Don’t fucking do that to me! Caskets used to be made of pine wood! Calling it a pine box is an old euphemism for a casket! We don’t have pine for that anymore so a plastic box is just as bad,” he barked.

“How was I supposed to know that? I never bothered studying the old-timey phrases of the yesteryears. No, he is literally sleeping in a box in the lab right now. That’s why I needed you to be quiet,” Zack explained.

“Why a box?” Reno asked confusedly.

“It was something Joshua did. I don’t know. All I know is it calmed Leon down and he was able to fall sleep so I’m not going to condemn it.”

“Hm. Cats are weird,” the redhead said. “How long has he been out for? Can I see him?”

“A few hours, and yeah, I guess so. I don’t know how he’ll react; he’s been sort of all over the place emotionally,” Zack said. He turned and started leading the pair back towards the lab. “Be careful digging around in there, though. He’s buried, and has probably moved around a lot so you might smack into a bruise or something if you’re not gentle. Joshua is mixed in there with him too, so watch out for him as well.”

“I never met Joshua.”

“He’s nice. You’ll probably like him.”

“Yeah? Good,” Reno said.

Zack brought them both back into the lab and motioned to the plastic crate that was by the Gestational Terminal. Rude set the luggage by the door as Reno timidly tiptoed further in. The redhead carefully looked over the shattered gestational tank and his heart sunk into his stomach. The picture wasn’t entirely clear, but he could make an educated guess as to what went on. The eerie silence was unsettling, as was the lack of proper lighting; only a couple of the overhead fixtures were on and it was quite dim. The grief that hung in the air was palpable, and he wanted nothing more than to scoop Leon up and take him as far away as possible from it all.

“I’m sorry we forgot to call you. It’s been hectic,” Zack whispered.

“It’s okay. I probably would’ve rushed over here anyway. How bad is he?” Reno asked.

“He’s been better. Nothing’s broken, but he’s pretty banged up.”

“Where’s Cloud?”

“Not here. Detained.”

“Good. I probably would’ve hung his skin on the wall by now if he was here,” the redhead said.

“Yeah, I know that feeling,” Zack agreed.

Reno knelt next to Leon’s box and started gently peeling away layers of blankets and pillows. “Where in the hell did you get a box this big?” he asked quietly. The dimensions were such that Leon could almost lay completely flat if he wanted to.

“It’s a crate we use to weigh the natural offspring in. That one is just for the older ones that are nearly ready to leave the facility.”

“Oh. At my place we just try to tug them around with a rope or get behind them and push.”

“Yeah, well, ours don’t take kindly to leashes.”

“Cats are weird,” Reno repeated.

The redhead found Joshua first. In his Primal form, the sand cat was curled up against the curve of the back of Leon’s head and neck with a paw outstretched over the other’s cheek. Once uncovered, his eyes slowly slid open and he blinked against the slight lighting. Reno’s unfamiliar face and smell were immediately alarming and Joshua ambled up onto his feet, careful not to step on Leon’s face. With a spitting hiss, the tiny cat took a swing at the redhead’s hand with claws at the ready. Reno pulled back and hugged his hand to his chest protectively with a light snort in surprise.

“Josh, he’s cool. Don’t freak out,” Zack piped gently from his seat at the exam table.

“He’s like a damn cobra,” the bovine Carrier remarked.

“Everyone’s been on edge lately.”

“I can imagine,” Reno said.

Despite Zack’s reassurance, Joshua didn’t back down or get out of the way. As if to drive home the point that he wasn’t going anywhere, he carefully stepped around to Leon’s front and wedged his way underneath the blanket with him. Now tucked under the brunette’s chin, Joshua settled his cheek against his friend’s jaw and stretched his arm over the side of his neck, all the while keeping sharp eyes on Reno. Leon shifted subconsciously and brought his arm up to curl it around his little guard cat and secure him in place.

Disappointed, the redhead frowned. He had been looking forward to seeing Leon and possibly hugging the sad out of him, but he had to wait. It was somewhat expected, though, because it wasn’t like they had actual plans to keep. With a bit of a heavy heart, Reno started replacing the blankets and pillows back into the box where he had gotten them. He stood and sighed before heading over to the exam table and taking a seat with Zack and Rude.

“You alright?” his Charge asked as he sat. The redhead folded his arms on the table and rested his face on them.

“I guess. I’m glad he’s breathing but… that’s about it. I’d like some cuddles, but I’m afraid to touch him. Also afraid of Joshua to a lesser extent,” Reno said.

“Yeah, I hear you on both counts,” Zack agreed. “And honestly, I wouldn’t try to get any cuddles unless Leon comes to you first. Hell, I wouldn’t even talk to him.”

“Me not talking is a physical impossibility so that’s not going to fly. I can handle not squeezing him to death, I think.”

“I’m not saying you can’t, I’m just saying you probably shouldn’t. Joshua’s the only one that’s been able to get close to him safely.”

“I’ll just have to hope he still loves me as much as he used to.”

“I’m sure he does,” Zack agreed. He stretched his arms over his head and bent his back as much as possible with a sigh. “Anyway, have you got any plans for where you’re staying? I don’t really use my room for anything other than storage so you guys can bunk in there if you want.”

“Oh no, I have a plan for that,” Reno said, his tone turning dark.

Rude gave him a curious look. “You do?”

“Yes. We’re staying in Cloud’s room. It’s closer to Leon and we can have really gross angry sex in his bed,” the redhead concluded.

“Oh,” his Charge said, his eyebrows rising up his forehead with surprise.

“Mhm. I’m just letting you know in advance that I’m going to absolutely destroy you. Prepare yourself,” Reno concluded.

“Oh,” Rude repeated. “Well… okay. I guess that’s fine.”

“You seem apprehensive.”

“Because I am. I didn’t even realize you had the capacity for sex right now, let alone the angry kind. I was expecting depressing sex at most. If anything.”

Reno laughed a bit. “Underneath my very sad dumpy exterior is a stupid amount of rage. I’m fucking _furious_. But, that anger isn’t for anyone else other than Cloud so I’m keeping it to myself. So yes, we’re going to empty so much semen into his mattress it’s going to dry and turn into a weak piece of glass that shatters the next time he sits on it. That is my plan.”

Zack scrunched his face up in disdain. “That’s a powerful visual I’m not sure I needed in my life.”

“Yeah… I’ll have to think about that, Reno. Not sure about it,” his Charge said.

The redhead shrugged his indifference. “I don’t really care. I made the decision for us both.”

“I noticed,” Rude grumbled. Reno turned his attention to Zack.

“Where should we take our bags?” he asked sweetly with a small sarcastic smile pulling at his lips.

“I’ll show you.”

Cloud’s room was much closer than Reno had anticipated. Zack showed them the way with ease and left them alone after they found it. He couldn’t stay because he was technically supposed to be watching Leon, but the reality was that he wanted nothing to do with the waterfall of semen Reno had propositioned. Similarly, Rude wasn’t completely comfortable with being alone with his Carrier anymore. But he quickly realized he didn’t have to worry. Once they were alone and the door had closed behind them, Reno simply sat on the bed and held his face in his hands.

“I take it we’re not actually going to break the bed?” Rude asked, taking a seat next to him.

“No. Well, not right now anyway. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as I could,” the redhead said. He rubbed his face with his fingertips, attempting to rid his features of the tension that was weaving itself through them. “I’m really worried about him. He’s alive, but he looked like a plum because his face was so bruised. But, that’s not the worst part. If I know him like I think I do, I can very easily see him just… getting over it somehow and forgiving Cloud. Like he’s done with everything else that’s happened.”

“You think?”

“Yeah. Something’s got to give, Rude. Leon won’t give him up no matter what he does. Cloud has to kill him before he can even hope to get away. I don’t know what to do.”

“I’m not sure, myself.”

“Do you think Cloud’s still in this dome?”

“I have no idea.”

“I mean, he’s obviously been arrested, but… he technically didn’t do anything illegal.”

“Wh—really?”

“It’s only illegal to kill us, if you recall.”

“Oh. Sorry. I forgot Carrier’s are different.”

“Right,” Reno said. He took a deep breath and let it out his nose steadily as he pondered for a moment. “The only thing I can think of that they would arrest him for is property damage; if he’s the one that busted open the gestational tank. If that’s true, then he’s only going to be put in a minimum security place, probably, which most domes with cities have. I think.”

“We can ask Zack.”

“Yeah, we should.”

“Right now?”

“Nah, in a bit. It’d be weird if we went back so quickly. We’re supposed to be having crazy animal sex, remember?” Reno asked.

“Oh yeah.”

“As lame as it is, I think I just want to take a nap for now.”

“Good. You need to.”

“Yeah. Join me?”

“Sure.”


	83. Chapter 83

Chapter 83

Leon was relocated back into his bedroom with his box parked off to the side of his bed. He spent some of the night buried in pillows in the crate but woke up partway through and crawled into his bed. There he stayed for the remainder but when he woke up the next morning, he still felt like he could sleep for another day or more. He had expected to wake up and find someone in his bed with him, babysitting him, but he was alone. At first, he was a little offended. But then he took a few minutes to soak in the solitude and felt better. But it didn’t last. His door abruptly opened when he wasn’t he expecting it and it startled him.

“Oh. Hey,” Reno said nonchalantly, as if his presence wasn’t out of the ordinary. Leon froze and stared at him wordlessly, mouth hanging open slightly. The redhead smiled. “Are you surprised?” he asked.

“Uh-huh,” Leon grunted. An overpowering amount of relief washed over him; relief he never expected to feel. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted to see Reno, but he did. So much so that the surge happiness it brought him made his eyes water and his chest hurt. He immediately reached for him, prompting the redhead to quickly close the gap between them. Reno plopped into his bed and pulled him into a strong hug that made every bruise on his body scream in resistance, but he didn’t care.

“I’m sorry it took me a few days to get here,” Reno said. He pulled back and looked Leon’s tearful face over and gave him a weak smile. “Look at what he did to you,” he murmured, gently combing his fingers through the brunette’s hair.

“I know,” his friend said. Leon wiped his face dry and sniffled. “I didn’t expect you to be here at all; you don’t have to apologize for not doing it instantly.”

“Well, still, I wish I could’ve just teleported,” the redhead insisted. He was quiet for a moment, pondering how much he wanted to press Leon for information. “I talked to Zack. He brought us up to speed. You plan on keeping Cloud?” he asked.

“Let me guess: you don’t think I should?”

“Of course not.”

“I apologize in advance, then.”

“You know, at this point, I can’t argue with you. Logic isn’t going to win here. All I’m going to succeed in doing is offending you. Zack told me about your beef with Tifa, too.”

“Thanks for not going out of your way to make me angry.”

“I might still do it; I’m not done yet. I’m going to suggest that, since he’s probably going to come back, that you pay him a visit before he gets out and tell him everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything he’s done to you,” Reno said. Leon stared at him for a long awkward minute, furrowing his brows together in thought.

“Why would I do that?” he asked suspiciously.

“Because if he’s going to come back, he needs to change. If he doesn’t react to the things he did to you, then you’ll see what an awful idea it is to take him back. Hopefully that is enough to convince you to rethink things. Wouldn’t you be hurt if he didn’t care? Or thought he was justified to do what he did?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“I need to know if you’re still competent enough to make your own decisions.”

“You really came all the way here for this?”

“No. I came here to check on you and give you some love. But after talking to Zack and Tifa, my immediate priorities changed a little. I still want to love on you but I’m even more worried than when I first got here.”

“And if you decide I’m not competent? It already sounds like that’s what you think. Why should I even bother trying to answer and justify myself?”

“Just answer me, please. I need to know,” Reno pleaded.

“Yes I would be upset, but it wouldn’t change my decision to keep him if he wants to stay.”

“Okay,” the redhead said, obviously not pleased with his answer. He frowned.

“What’re you going to do with that information?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

Leon furrowed his brows together crossly. “I swear on everything I have Reno, if you tell him, I’ll never speak to you again. He already hates himself. I don’t want to think of what he would do if he found out he… what he did,” he said, swallowing the lump that was starting to form in his throat. It was still hard to put ‘rape’ into casual words for him. Having a term for it made it seem too real; he was happier feeling like it had been a bad dream. “He doesn’t deserve that.”

Reno scrunched his face up in confusion. “Doesn’t deserve it? What the fuck are you on?!” he barked angrily. Leon put up a hand to stop him from talking.

“Everyone around me seems to have forgotten that Cloud is a victim.”

“He can’t use that excuse forever!”

“He isn’t. I am. He admitted he needs help. Why can’t I take advantage of that chance? He’s never given me that before. Why does everyone insist I need to throw him away before I can even try?” Leon asked.

“Because the giant hole in your lab he created is a grim reminder of what he’s capable of. You’ve already forgotten that?”

“Of course not. But that’s not his fault. I didn’t do my job correctly, and he reacted badly. I don’t like what he did, but I can’t force myself to hold him responsible when I understand my mistakes led him to that reaction. Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? Why do I need to be angry when I’m already so fucking miserable? Can’t I just… try to have control of my own life and help him and see how it goes? He’s willing to get help finally. That’s really _really_ significant to me.”

“I understand that, but—“

“Please, Reno, just stop. I can’t keep arguing with everyone,” Leon said. He leaned back against his pillows and sighed, his features heavy with sorrow. “I’m not strong enough to deal with this, but people expect me to be for some reason.”

“What do you mean?”

“This ends one of two ways. I help Cloud with everyone I know and care about fighting against me, or I don’t and I have to find a new Charge. I don’t feel like I can manage either of those things. I can’t live knowing I let Cloud go after he’s finally admitted he needs help; he’s just going to die in a ditch somewhere. And I don’t have the capacity to keep soldiering forward without some support from _somewhere_. I just… I mean… even Ansem didn’t think my decision was a good one.”

“Cloud’s not going to stop until he kills you, you know. Even if he doesn’t plan to, he can only get worse from here. He’s going to come home after his sentence, go off on another bender, and then come back and stab you in the throat. Or something. There’s too much toxic sludge sloshing around in his head for him to function normally. He’s not stable.”

“Well, at least if he does end up killing me, I can die knowing I did everything I could to help him. I’d rather that happen than live the rest of my life with guilt and regret. I’m already living that way, and I hate it. I’d really rather think I have a chance of feeling better by helping him, or finding peace after he kills me. Whichever option is fine; I don’t care anymore,” Leon said, his speech turning somewhat monotone.

“Don’t tell me that,” Reno insisted. “I don’t want you to die.”

“Would it really matter in the end? If I die, Cloud get’s cut loose. He wouldn’t be here anymore either. Isn’t that what everyone wants?”

“Probably, but not at your expense!”

“Either option ends well, though. Either he gets help and in twenty years or so our project isn’t horrible anymore and things are okay, or I finally get some fucking peace and he’s gone anyway. It’s a win/win.”

“No it’s not! Death isn’t winning!” the redhead said. He could feel a rush of panic starting to bubble up under his skin and he stopped himself from trying to speak. Sucking in a deep breath, he folded his hands together and pressed them against his lips, forcing his mouth to stay closed as he slowly let the air out of his lungs through his nose. His first instinct was to go off on a rant about how death wasn’t the answer to any problem, but he tried his hardest to remember that Leon didn’t think that way. Not right now, anyway. Logic obviously wasn’t working for his friend; he was too damaged for it.

“If you knew someone was going to kill you, and you couldn’t stop it but you could pick who did it, wouldn’t you want that person to be Rude?” Leon asked.

“What?” Reno asked confusedly. The question was very abrupt and he hadn’t expected it.

“If someone was going to kill you and you could choose who it was, wouldn’t Rude be the best option?”

“Rude wouldn’t kill me.”

“Hypothetically. If you could choose who did it. Forget whether or not it makes sense for them to.”

“I… don’t know. I don’t see why it would matter if I’m going to die anyway.”

“Well, I don’t mind thinking that Cloud is the most likely person to kill me. If he chose to do it, then I would stand to reason that my death would make him happier or make him feel better. That seems like an okay trade,” the brunette said. He was staring ahead of himself at the end of his bed, his eyes turning unfocused. “I never meant to ruin his life. I never meant to hurt him, but I did. I hate what I did to him, what I made him remember, and how I went back on everything I told myself. I can remember thinking that all I wanted to do was take him away from his suffering and put him in a nice safe box so that he didn’t have to hurt anymore. I’ve done the opposite.”

“You saved his life. Gave him a new one.”

“Surviving and living are two different things. Saving his life doesn’t mean anything if he isn’t happy. He spends every day and every night torturing himself; that’s not a life. If he decides that his happiness depends on escaping me, then he can kill me. That’s fine. It would benefit him, and that’s all I’ve been trying to do since I made contact with him. I’m just not very good at it, I guess.”

“Not very good at it?”

“Not very good at making people happy.”

“Do you think I’d be sitting here if you didn’t make me happy?”

Leon shrugged. “You don’t look happy.”

“Because I’m worried.”

“Right. Everyone’s worried about me. No one’s happy.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“No, I think you are,” the brunette said. “A few neutral days here and there of general conversation and politeness doesn’t equate to happiness. Everyone has to pick apart every decision I make because they think they know what would be best for me. But the reality is that they just want me to make the decision that would make them the most comfortable, because being around me is a chore; I don’t make people happy. At this point I can’t even apologize anymore. I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control,” Leon explained. He sat up straighter, feeling what was left of his resolve crumble apart as the tears started dripping free again. “So if I can make one goddamn person happy, then I could feel like I fucking accomplished something. Cloud is the one I’ve hurt the most. If I can do something for him to fix it, then I will. If that means he wants me to die, then I will.”

“Stop it! That’s not going to solve anything!”

  
“Then what would you suggest, Reno? I’ve already told you how this is going to end; what other options do I have? Should I live the way you want me to? Going out and putting myself at risk by fucking a bunch of random people in empty relationships that mean nothing and can never be anything of worth? Drop Cloud and spend the next thirty years trying to fall in love with a  picture of a new Charge while slowly dying inside because I can’t get anything productive done?

“Or should I do what Tifa and Zack want me to do? Be an open book and vomit all my issues on everyone? Shove all my problems on other people? What has that ever done for anyone? How is that going to help? All it’ll do is force me to relive every goddamn bullshit thing I’ve had to put up with. I’m already acutely aware of all of it; I don’t need a reminder!”

“That’s not what I’m telling you to do!”

“Sure it is! You did what everyone else has! I can’t just say ‘hey guys, I know this is a bad situation but I have a plan to try and fix it, so it’s okay’ without being ripped apart and told how wrong I am. I can’t even try! No one wants to give me support unless I do things exactly the way they want me to! No one goes ‘okay Leon, let’s try it just this once. We’re confident you’re not a total fuckup.’ Everyone says ‘no, you’re wrong, you have no idea how to do anything the right way, your obvious pain doesn’t mean shit, and you have to follow our rules.’ If I fuck myself over, then I fuck myself over. If everyone is right, and I’m wrong, I’ll be the first one to admit it and we can be sad together about my failure. But so far, I’ve just failed and then gotten shat on by people I thought gave a damn about me! I can’t win!”

“Stop! Stop! Stop!” Reno yelled as he put up his hands defensively. His entire body was starting to ache with the sheer amount of grief and sadness his friend was pouring on him. He took a deep shaking breath and let it out slowly. Leon eased himself back onto his pillows and stared at his hands as they lay limp in his lap. Sniffling back a few tears, he didn’t bother wiping his face.

“I’m not going deny Cloud if he wants to come back, Reno. I can’t. I need to try and make this right. I don’t know how or when it’ll happen, but I need to at least try; for his sake and mine. You can support me or you can fight me like everyone else is, but it’s not going to change my mind,” the brunette murmured.

“Okay,” the redhead said quietly. He took a moment to think of his words carefully before speaking again. “I’m concerned about your safety and your stability. Happiness can happen later; those are the two things I’m most concerned about right this second. In my head, it’s nearly impossible for someone to redeem themselves after all the things Cloud has done. Can you understand that?” he asked, looking Leon over carefully.

“Yeah,” the brunette said.

“Good. To me, you being around Cloud is like signing a death certificate for you. I don’t want you to die and I don’t want you to be hurt anymore. I have no guarantee that either of those things won’t happen and that scares the shit out of me. I love you too much to just blindly take your word for it and throw you back to him without some sort of plan or something to fall back on. So, in an effort to feel better and to try to find a reason to support you, I’m going to meet with Cloud and talk to him myself,” Reno explained.

“No,” Leon said.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t believe you won’t tell him everything he’s done to me. You don’t think he can be redeemed so I don’t think you’ll be civil. It’ll do more harm than good.”

“I promise I won’t.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You really think I would lie to you?”

“For this? Yes.”

“Well I’m not. You’re going to have to trust me on this because I’m going to talk to him whether you want me to or not,” Reno said. He stood from his seat and ran a hand through his hair with a deep sigh.

“Please don’t,” Leon pleaded, his voice small and pitiable.

“If you want my support, I need to know everything about the situation. I need to know how Cloud is reacting. I’m not doing this to hurt you or ruin anything. I just want to know,” the redhead said. He leaned down and planted a kiss against the brunette’s temple. “Forgive me for not giving much merit to your plans just yet. All this talk of death leading to happiness is really scary for me.”

“Please don’t go…”

“I’ll be back in a few hours.”

“Please…”

Reno hesitated for a moment before he was able to force himself to leave; every fiber of his being resisted as he let the door close behind him. Behind it, he could hear Leon break apart and start to quietly but openly sob, and it took every ounce of his willpower not to rush back into the room and coddle the brunette like a child. Reno wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he blindly supported Leon in his decisions and it ended in disaster. Cloud needed to convince him he was worth saving first. Helping Leon recover would be second.

“Did you get it?” Rude asked curiously, his voice hushed. He and his Carrier had come up with a plan together and Reno took some solace in the idea that they had been successful so far. Lifting up the back of his loose-fitting t-shirt, the redhead twisted his arms around until he could grab hold of Cloud’s tablet. The device had been tucked into the back of his shorts and then strapped to his torso with a cloth bandage to keep it in place. It had been recording his and Leon’s entire conversation. He stopped the footage once he could hold it normally.

“Yeah,” Reno said quietly.

“Are you alright?”

“No,” the Carrier said. Rude took a few steps closer and started to lift his arms like he was moving in for a hug but Reno put up a hand to stop him. “Don’t. I will fall apart if you try to comfort me. I’m not allowed to feel better until I can cuddle Leon into oblivion. It’s not fair of me to rip him to shreds and then come out here and feel okay about it.”

“Okay,” his Charge agreed, letting his arms drop again.

Zack jogged around the corner at the end of the hallway, causing the pair to shift their attention to him and his heavy footfalls. He didn’t say anything to them, but the shrill beeping that came from his person was indication enough for why he was hurrying; Cloud’s watch was going off. Shoving his way past them and into Leon’s room, the concern and panic was plain to see. He let the door slam behind him. Reno stepped away from the door and started down the hallway back to Cloud’s bedroom, purposefully trying to avoid hearing Zack attempting to calm Leon down. Rude walked with him quietly.

“Rude, I swear, if Cloud doesn’t make this worth it, I might actually kill him,” the redhead said, trying his hardest to keep himself together as it felt like pieces of his self were falling off and leaving a trail behind him.

 

\-----------------

 

On his original home plane, Cloud’s understanding of prison was a stark contrast to what his current home actually gave him. In Midgar, even the tiniest slight against the militant law garnered weeks locked in a miniscule room with completely solid walls, a rock hard bed with threadbare coverings, and a toilet. Prisoners weren’t monitored so long as they were locked in their cells; the authorities didn’t care if they managed to kill themselves or get hurt. The occupant that came after them would just have to deal with the blood stains.

However, the prison cell he was presented with was a veritable luxury resort in comparison. It wasn’t very big, but his bed looked like it had a semi-substantial mattress on it, two pillows, and a decent blanket. A toilet was there, but it also had its own sink built into the back of it and a curtain to pull around for some privacy. The space was solid on three walls but the front was more or less open to the hallway by way of a barred door; he could see and talk to other people. On the wall across from his bed was a black square that looked like it was made of glass, but he couldn’t say for sure. And overall, the room was absurdly clean. He was very confused.

“This… this is prison?” he asked, turning to look behind him at the guard that had escorted him to his cell.

“I’m glad you’ve been paying attention. C’mere,” the man grunted at him. Cloud did as he was told. The guard reached through the bars and grabbed his bound wrists. Taking a pair of wire cutters from his pocket, the man quickly snipped the plastic zip ties keeping the blonde’s hands together, freeing him.

“Wait, I don’t understand,” Cloud said, already dressed in his numbered beige jumpsuit with a blue plastic band around his wrist.

“What’s so confusing?”

“I’m not scared to be here. Shouldn’t prison be like… torture?” he asked, scrunching his brows together.

The guard burst into a boisterous laugh. “Kid, this is low sec. Are you telling me you want to relocate to high sec?”

“High sex? What?”

Another laugh. “You’re really sharp. No. Low sec is low security. High sec, high security. You’re in here with a bunch of swindlers and punks. Your shit don’t smell here. The stuff you did? It’s a step above vandalism. It’s cheap.”

“…I still don’t understand. I almost killed someone.”

“Yeah a _Carrier_. You may as well have tried to kill a fence post.”

“But—“

“Listen, kid. I get what you’re saying. You’re a Charge; you feel differently about them. But they aren’t people. It’s just a fact. You really don’t have to beat yourself up over it. It’s not a big deal.”

“But I feel like it should be…”

“I don’t know what to tell you, then. Just sit your twinky ass down and relax, alright? Watch some TV.”

“…I have a television?” Cloud asked, eyes growing wide. He was absolutely shocked.

“Yeah!” the guard said, pointing at the black glossy square in the wall across from his bed. “Wow. You really need to get your head on straight, kid. Don’t you know anything?”

“Apparently not.”

“Well, start learning. You’ll start working tomorrow. We’re not very full here so you may or may not make many friends, but you can try.”

“Okay…”

“Have fun,” the man said as he left, his tone only slightly condescending.

 _This isn_ _’_ _t right_ , Cloud thought to himself. His prison wasn’t a reflection of how truly awful he felt and it bothered him. His holding cell had been less accommodating! The lack of sleep he had been getting over the last few days wasn’t helping his comprehension very much, and he found that trying to understand his situation only succeeded in making him dizzy. He could barely remember anything the judge had said to him prior to getting his sentence, and the events leading up until the present had been a blur. Adding more questions to his already substantial pile was just an invitation for his head to explode.

 

\-----------------------

 

The next morning wasn’t much better. All of the cells in his block opened bright and early and his fellow prisoners were on the move. Cloud hadn’t slept much the night before and had spent the majority of his evening anxiously pondering every question he could come up with pertaining to every topic he could imagine. Now that a bunch of strangers were wandering around and had access to his space, he was extremely nervous. He could remember what the guard had told him the night before but he still couldn’t wrap his head around a prison that… didn’t treat him like a prisoner. He was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

No one talked to him. The other men noticed him, looked him over, and promptly ignored him. He didn’t know how to interpret their exclusion. The concept of cliques and predetermined social circles was somewhat lost on him; Cloud had never attended high school. But unbeknownst to him, his problem was a little deeper than that. The band on his wrist and the numbers on his chest immediately ostracized him.

The cafeteria he was ushered into was very similar to the one in the feline facility but wasn't as bright. There were less windows, and the overhead fixtures were old and dim. The large space echoed the general conversations his fellow inmates held and he found the conflict of sensations very disorienting with his lack of sleep. He felt like he was walking in a dream. Fogginess permeated every thought and all he could manage was following the crowd and doing as they did. Once his tray of unidentifiable breakfast items was in his hands, he went to find a seat. The guard from the previous day hadn’t been lying to him; there weren't a ton of people incarcerated there. He was able to find an empty table easily and welcomed himself to it, keeping his head down and his eyes on his meal.

To his surprise, someone sat across from him. The blonde raised a brow and glanced at the other man briefly. He was older, had lightly tanned skin, and black hair with wide gray streaks through it. It was cut as a mullet; with shorter wilder pieces in the front and a long tail loosely tied in the back. The stranger had a long jagged scar covering one eye as well. The eyelid itself looked to be sealed shut, but Cloud wasn't sure just yet.

"You're a Charge?" the man asked, his voice deep and somewhat gruff.

"Is it that obvious?" the blonde muttered.

"Seeing as how you're wearing your Carrier's model number on your chest: yes. Yes it is."

"I just thought it was a random number."

"You don't actually know what it is? Did you just come through the portal or something?"

"No. I just didn't know."

"Huh. Very strange," the man said curiously. "What's your name?"

"Cloud," the blonde murmured, waiting for the inevitable ridicule.

"I'm Auron."

"Hello."

"Have you received your work program yet?"

"Work program?"

Auron laughed a bit. "You didn't think they would just let you loaf around all day, did you?"

"No, but I haven't been told much. I just got here."

"Ah, well, it's not so bad once you get the hang of it. They work you hard and then you sleep; pretty cut and dry. How long are you here for?"

"Ten months or something."

"That's not bad."

"What about you?" Cloud asked.

Auron pursed his lips in thought for a moment. "I have no idea. I've been bounced around to different compounds and domes for about fifteen years or so now."

"Fifteen years?!"

"Yes. That's what I said."

"What the hell did you do to deserve that?"

"I killed my Carrier," the man said simply.

For a moment, time felt like it had been frozen. Cloud immediately felt threatened and he sat up straighter, giving the man a suspicious once over. Across Auron's chest was a combination of letters and numbers similar to his. As he looked around, he could see the other inmates' numbers as well, but they were just that; numbers. Only numbers. He was confused. He had been told that the prison was low security; a place for white collar crime and petty offenses. Auron was a murderer. He didn't belong there.

"Why are you here, then? Shouldn't you be somewhere more restricted?" Cloud asked. Auron shrugged.

"I thought I should be but they kept me here anyway. It makes sense, I guess. Legally, Carriers aren't human. You can't 'murder' them in the law's eyes, so it isn’t as severe as killing a normal person. Their deaths carry a baseline sentence of ten years and you serve extra time depending on how much it costs to replace them. But, they are ultimately priceless. So, when you serve a sentence based on cost, if they can't figure out a price, you don't get to leave. I'm sure there's a guideline somewhere for it, but I doubt anyone cares about it. The Technicians didn't want me back and the legal system doesn't care about Charges all that much so as a result: I have no idea if I have a time limit here. My personnel file is lost in the beaurocracy, I'm sure."

"But you’re a murderer."

"Yeah, I know. Not in legal terms though."

"That's... unsettling."

"Right, and that's why we wear these," Auron said. He lay has wrist on the table next to Cloud's and on it was an identical blue band. "So, did you kill yours too?" he asked.

"No. I didn't. Why am I wearing this if he didn't die?"

"This band just let's the guards know at a glance who has violent tendencies and who doesn't. It doesn't mean you're a killer, necessarily."

"...I don't like that."

"There isn't much you can do about it."

"Yeah, I noticed."

“It also tells everyone else that we’re Charges. Or were. Most normal people are sent to higher security facilities if they’re violent. Our violence didn’t happen against anything human so I guess we don’t count,” the man said, pulling his arm back so he could begin eating.

Cloud wasn’t sure what to think. The exhaustion was pulling at him and he found it very difficult to keep his suspicions at the forefront of his mentality. He knew he should’ve been more leery of Auron, but after a few minutes of peace, he couldn’t drag together enough motivation to care. He was, however, very curious about the man’s story. Auron had stated that he had been moved around to different domes and Cloud wondered what his options were in the outside world once he was allowed to leave.

“Can I ask why you did it?” he murmured, emptily staring ahead of himself at the other man’s chest.

“Did what?” Auron asked, turning his attention back to his blonde comrade.

“Killed your Carrier.”

“Oh. That. It was really stupid,” the veteran prisoner said, keeping his focus on his meal.

“Was it an accident?”

Auron dropped his fork and gave Cloud a sharp stare. “Look, kid, you’re treading on painful ground here. I came over here to give you some peace because I’m sure most of the guys here aren’t fond of where you came from and wouldn’t mind taking a jab at you to break up the monotony. Don’t make me regret it.”

“Sorry. I was just wondering. You don’t have to tell me. I just don’t know very much about this place and was fishing for an excuse to ask questions. That one seemed the most obvious.”

“This place? The prison?”

“This… whole world. I spent my first year here more or less stuck in the facility because I wasn’t well enough to have stasis. I’ve only been allowed to wander around for a little over a month.”

“Huh. Interesting,” Auron said. He took a moment to look the blonde over and properly absorb Cloud’s demeanor; it said that the other Charge had seen better days. The bags under his reddish eyes, the unfocused gaze, and the obvious tenseness in his features put together a very pitiful picture. After several minutes of somewhat awkward silence, Cloud spoke again.

“What kind of Carrier did you have? Or is that painful too?” he asked.

“ _Romerolagus daizi_. The volcano rabbit,” the other man said.

“Rabbits are cute.”

“He was very cute, yes. Are you from the feline or canine facility?”

“Feline. Mine is _Panthera Leo_. The lion. Or, at least I think he’s still mine. I’m not sure if I’m going back.”

“Well, what did you do? You didn’t kill him, so you should still have a place there.”

“I got… really drunk and angry and broke some stuff. Beat the shit out of him,” Cloud muttered. Thinking about Leon trying to curl up on the floor to hide from the blonde’s wrath made the younger Charge’s chest hurt; so much so that his eyes started to sting with the guilt as it tried to escape and make itself public. He nudged his tray aside and folded his arms on the table so he could rest his face on them.

“Not a proud moment?” Auron guessed.

“Not in the least.”

“Eh, well, mistakes happen. He isn’t dead, so there is some solace there.”

“Barely.”

“That may be true, but you’re not done dealing with the consequences yet. If you want to get upset now before they’re over with, be my guest, but you should really try to save the tears for when you go home. They’ll be worth more then.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“I agree. But you should try. Tears don’t get you much sympathy from your fellow community members in here. It doesn’t matter if they’re hardcore criminals or not; they can still make your time here a living hell just because they feel like it.”

“I’ve been living in hell for years now; what could they possibly do to make it worse?” Cloud grumbled.

“Oof,” Auron huffed, scrunching his face up. “Kid, that’s dark. You can’t mope like that in here. At least not until you get back to your cell.”

“I don’t care.”

The older man sighed. “Suit yourself. Hopefully you’re allowed to go back; I can tell you love him a lot.”

“Whoa,” Cloud blurted quickly. He sat up and put his hands up and started shaking them with his head. “No no no no. No. It’s not like that. I just beat the shit out of a guy that can’t defend himself and I feel like garbage for it. No. I don’t even like the guy very much.”

Auron raised a brow. “A Carrier of a Totem that huge can’t defend himself? You’re sure about that?”

“Yes. He’s spineless.”

“Is he? Or did he choose to not hurt you? He could’ve very easily killed you, I’m sure.”

“Maybe both? But like I said; I feel bad about what I did. It doesn’t go any farther than that. That’s disgusting,” the blonde said defiantly, fixing a glare on the other man.

“He’s disgusting or loving another man is disgusting?” Auron asked.

“Both.”

“Kid, you’re making it very difficult to be around you. I just want you to know that. My Carrier was male too.”

“That’s fine for you. But not for me.”

“Man, I pity your Carrier. If your story is like every other story I’ve heard, I can guess how this went. He saved your life in some way; either literally or saved you from yourself. He brings you over here and takes care of your needs; gives you something new to make of yourself. He also fixed your medical problems and got you into stasis didn’t he? That’s pretty common, so I’m pretty sure he did. And in return you… what? You don’t even get on your knees for ten minutes to thank him and then beat the shit out of him? That’s cold.”

“There’s a lot more to that story that you don’t know—“

“It doesn’t matter. It really _really_ doesn’t,” Auron said, furrowing his brows together. “I’m beginning to think that I’m spending the rest of my sentence as a councilor for wayward idiots like you. I’ve been tossed around to so many different prisons in the past and I somehow always find a Charge like you. Some soulless bastard that took advantage of their Carrier, made some mistakes and got caught, and now they suffer the consequences. Then you talk to me like you feel bad about it but then defend yourself and your neglect. You’re not fooling anyone; you’re just an asshole.”

“I was told I didn’t have to marry him. The longer I sit here the more it seems like a crime not to. Which is it?” Cloud asked spitefully.

“You don’t have to do anything for him at all. But if you want anyone to believe you’re anything but a selfish fuckwad, then you might want to get cracking on amending your mentality.”

“So I have to force myself to be something I’m not to appease everyone?”

“You don’t have to force yourself into a relationship with him, but not beating the shit out of him and maybe being his friend isn’t going to kill you. I promise.”

“And like I said, there’s more to that story than what you—“

“And I said it doesn’t matter,” Auron interrupted. “Whatever happened in the past is irrelevant. Know why? Because it’s the past. You’re not living in the past anymore. You’re here, you’ve been taken care of, and you’ve been given a new start. Everything before? Those are memories from another story. You’ve got a new one now. The other ones are irrelevant.”

“Those memories are really important to me, though. You can’t sit there and tell me you don’t care about your past or anything you ever did. You can’t tell me it hasn’t shaped part of your present life.”

“It has, but I don’t let it dictate what I do anymore. I used to, and you know what happened? I murdered the only person that gave a shit about me. And now here I am,” Auron said, holding his arms out and motioning to their surroundings. “So you can sit there and tell me what your past wants you to do and what you value, but I’m going to promise you something: if you let it rule your life, you’re going to either end up in here permanently or you’ll die. Nothing good ever came from living in the past and ignoring the present. You don’t have to devalue your memories in order to move on with your life, you just need to put them aside long enough to understand what you have now and what your new values should be. Once you do that, and you have your priorities straight, you can reassess how much those memories should dictate your future. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that they’re not going to. Because they never do.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“I don’t get the impression you ever tried.”

“I have—“

“No you haven’t. You wouldn’t be here if you did.”

Before Cloud could attempt to defend himself again, a piercing noise broke through the idle chatter in the cafeteria. One of the guards had blown a whistle briefly, and everyone took that as a sign to start moving again and began taking their trays to the return window at the front of the cafeteria. The blonde followed suit, albeit slower than the rest. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, but Auron seemed to know exactly what was going on.

“Where are we going?” Cloud asked, keeping on the older man’s heels.

“Showers. Then we get to work,” the other Charge said.


	84. Chapter 84

Chapter 84

Cloud had never considered Reno to be a very threatening person before. The redhead had always been sort of a goofball whenever they happened to be around each other, so he didn’t leave much of an impression otherwise. But today was different. The visitor’s center at the prison wasn’t very big, and the rage that filtered off of the Carrier took up most of the space, which made Cloud very uneasy. He wasn’t surprised, though. Leon was Reno’s friend, so it only made sense that the redhead would be angry about the latest events. With only a table between them, the blonde didn’t feel safe. He wasn’t convinced that the guard watching them would come to his aid if he needed it.

The worst part was that Reno wasn’t even doing anything. He was just sitting with his arms crossed over his chest and his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. A deep scowl marred his face, and the only movement Reno allowed himself was the subtle gnashing of his teeth that made his jaw flex. He was silently boring a hole through the blonde’s head with his eyes, not trusting himself to speak just yet. It was the longest three minutes Cloud had ever experienced.

“I don’t know if you’ll ever understand how badly I want to crush your spine right now,” the redhead growled lowly.

“Hello to you, too. Long time no see,” Cloud said snidely. He wasn’t in the mood to be interrogated, and the unpleasant surprise of Reno’s visit did nothing to change that.

“Let me ask you something,” the redhead said. He unfolded his arms and tugged his chair closer to the table. Lacing his fingers together, he settled his hands on the surface and leaned towards Cloud. “What’s it like to murder a bunch of innocent people?”

Cloud furrowed his brows together, the anger immediate. “What the fuck—“

“I’m genuinely curious. By my count, you’ve got at least eight under your belt. Nine, if you want to count Leon.”

“Leon’s dead?” Cloud blurted quickly, his eyes going wide.

“He may as well be. He’s breathing, but he is a far cry from the person he used to be before you came in and ruined him. So I’ll ask again: what’s it like to murder a bunch of innocent people?”

“Why are you asking me this? And why eight? I don’t remember eight.”

A dry malicious smile spread across Reno’s face. He brought his hands up and used his fingers to count. “You don’t remember the kid that got a little too lonely for you while you were in basic training? He was sort of a creep, I’ll admit, but you decided that pushing him away wasn’t good enough and turned the back of his head into a salad bowl. That’s one. You did the same thing to a guard that I’m sure was just as miserable as you and just doing his job. That’s two. Then there was the lady you more or less decapitated in order to graduate out of basic. She screamed for a while. That’s three. Then there’re the two kids you decided needed to go down with your home when you burned that to the ground; that’s four and five. The girl that was helping babysit them at the time makes six. Leon’s child – yes, that one counts – makes seven. But… I seem to be forgetting someone,” the redhead trailed sarcastically, pursing his lips as he feigned deep thought.

“Stop it,” Cloud murmured, glaring daggers at the Carrier as he continued.

“Oh, right, it was that broad you were fucking. She obviously wasn’t all that great because as soon as you figured out she was dead you went about fucking just about every piece of tail you could find on base. Some of them cried and begged you to stop but that doesn’t matter so much. That’s what they were there for, right?”

“Stop it! Shut up!” the blonde yelled, his features twisting into a hostile sneer.

“But she’s the most important one, right? Why? She didn’t seem all that great, if you ask me. She was kind of plain and not very interesting. Did she give good head? I bet that’s why you kept her around. It’s okay; you can admit it.”

“Shut up!” Cloud screamed. White hot fury seeped for his pores as he abruptly lunged forward, reaching for Reno’s neck. The redhead wasn’t fazed; the blonde reacted as he expected. He put his hands up and caught Cloud by his shoulders and pushed him back with all of his strength. The Charge was launched backwards and toppled onto the floor with his chair, landing harshly on his back. His head met the cement flooring with a loud _smack_ and he immediately saw stars as his vision started to swim. Reno calmly stood from his seat and went to lean over him, his hands folded politely behind his back.

“You make it very difficult for me to fall into your sob story when you react like that, you know. Leon wants to believe you’re a victim, and I’m inclined to believe him to some degree, but you don’t really support his argument when you try to strangle people only because they said some things you don’t like. That’s not a very mature reaction.”

“Fuck you,” Cloud groaned as he rolled onto his side slowly. He held his head tightly, willing the searing pain to stop.

“The only reason I’m not kicking the shit out of you is because I’d be killed if I did; remember that. Your pain right now doesn’t even compete with the pain Leon’s in. If I had my way, you’d be dead.”

“Stop it. Go away,” the blonde murmured, curling into a ball.

“I don’t see why I should, honestly. You deserve to know everything you’ve done. You’re a murderer and a rapist. I hope you’re proud of that.”

“Stop.”

“But for some weird reason, Leon wants to keep you. He watched every goddamn horrendous thing you’ve done and yet still cares about you enough to keep you around. Can you comprehend how much compassion that takes? He understands that he’ll never have any peace until you kill him; which you most likely will. He’ll probably sneeze in the wrong direction at some point and you’ll fly off the handle and rip his heart out his chest for it. And yet… he still wants you to be his Charge.”

“Stop it. Please…” Cloud said, his voice turning quiet.

“I believe they call people like him suicidal. You’ve made his life a living hell, so much so that the only escape he sees is death. You’re the only one he deems fit to give him that, so in a way, he seems to just want to keep you around so you can kill him. Are you proud of that?”

“Please…”

“Does it feel good to know that you smothered someone so much with your selfishness that they’re practically begging to be killed to escape it?”

“Stop…”

“Because I remember when Leon was just a bit of a prick but was confident and self assured; he was motivated and had a very clear understanding of his goal and wasn’t going to let anyone get in the way of that. He was very young, and ignorant of the ways people can be monsters, but you fixed that. You showed him everything he needed to see in order to fully understand the extent of how evil people can be. And despite all of that, he still wants to keep you.”

“Go away…”

“He was totally fine with all of it up until a certain point, you know. He was horrified by all the things you showed him but understood that you wouldn’t have done any of it had your government not been in control of you,” Reno said. He slowly lowered himself to the floor and lay down next to Cloud on his side so he could see the blonde’s face clearly. It wasn’t very obvious, but the blonde was crying. Huge tears were dripping out of his eyes and streaking sideways down his face onto the floor.

“Just leave me alone,” he said. It was more of a plea than a demand.

“Aw, I’m sorry. Did I make you sad? That’s a shame. But you know, shit happens to shit human beings. They eventually run out of happy and all they can be is sad because they eventually destroy everything that could’ve helped them. You’re not quite to that point yet, but you’re really really _really_ close. Leon is literally the only thread holding your life together right now and you’ve been shredding him apart for years, Cloud. He’s not going to last much longer if you keep living the way you have been. Abusing him the way you have been.”

“I didn’t mean to…”

“Oh you didn’t? Truly? I’m surprised you think that. ‘Didn’t mean to’ implies you’re remorseful, right? You’re ready to apologize and make it better?”

“Yes.”

“Good. So here’s what you’re going to do,” Reno said. He shuffled closer until their faces were barely an inch apart. “When you’re done here, you’re going to go home and serve yourself up on a platter for him. You’re going to surrender every cell of your body to him and let him do as he pleases with them. It doesn’t matter what he chooses to do, you’re going to follow through and be happy about it. You’re going to make him smile again, either by genuine happiness or the kind people get when someone beneath them squirms and cries for mercy. You no longer exist as a person. You are dirt under his feet. Do I make myself clear?”

“…Yes.”

“That’s good. And I swear, Cloud, if you _ever_ harm a hair on his head ever again I will do everything in my power to come back over here and stomp you into ground meat. Do you understand that?”

“…Yes.”

“I’m glad we could come to an understanding. It makes me feel better knowing that we’re on the same page. Thank you,” the redhead said, giving the blonde a smile. He scooted away from Cloud enough so he could stand up again. Strolling around the table, he headed for the door where Rude was standing with the guard. As he approached his Charge, he held his hand out and Rude handed him Cloud’s tablet.

“You’re sure this is the right thing?” his Charge asked quietly. Reno shrugged.

“I have no idea, but it makes me feel better,” the redhead said, poking at the tablet to bring up the archive of videos of Cloud’s life.

“Leon’s going to be upset.”

“Yeah, probably. But nothing’s going to change if he keeps hiding from this.”

“You’re sure you want to take that risk? You promised you wouldn’t say anything.”

“And I’m not. I’m just going to make it so Cloud conveniently stumbles upon it.”

“That’s splitting hairs to the extreme, Reno.”

“Yeah it is. But, I blame myself for most of what’s happened to Leon. Had I not brought Cloud into Leon’s life when I did, things might’ve gone better. They might’ve met under better circumstances and maybe would’ve become friends. I don’t want to hide from this anymore because I’m afraid of hurting Leon’s feelings. He’s already broken and wants to die, Rude. There isn’t much more I can do to make it worse other than handing him a loaded gun, so to speak.”

“…I guess.”

“You don’t have to agree with me. I won’t be offended. I’m not sure this is the right thing to do but I don’t know what else to try,” Reno said with a sigh.

“Okay,” Rude agreed.

Cloud was slowly pushing himself up from his place on the floor as they spoke. He could hear them, but between his exhaustion and the bombardment of new information, he couldn’t think very clearly. Picking his chair up, he eased himself into it and laid his face against the tabletop. He didn’t bother wiping his cheeks dry or trying to save some of his dignity. He didn’t deserve it, he felt. His dreams and nighttime hallucinations suddenly made a lot more sense knowing the laundry list of horrendous things he had done in his past. But that was what he wanted, wasn’t it? To know what he had done? He wasn’t so sure he wanted to anymore, but it was too late to go back. Reno didn’t give him that choice.

The redhead turned back to Cloud and started walking towards him again. “Leon got an e-mail yesterday from the Technicians stating that you needed to continue your education if you were really going to stay. They applauded his methods of teaching you as it was perfectly fitted for long distance learning, so they insisted he keep at it. He doesn’t know that yet; he’s been too distracted trying to convince us that death was a viable option for his future,” Reno said. He took his seat again and set the device on the table in Cloud’s line of sight. “So here’s your tablet. I took time out of my day to hand deliver it to you, so you should be thankful. I brought up a couple of recordings I want you to watch, too. The first is something Leon doesn’t want you to see and the second is an audio file of our conversation together from earlier this morning.”

“Something he doesn’t want me to see?” Cloud parroted quietly.

“That’s what I said. Leon told me not to tell you. So I’m not. I’m going to show you, instead. You can watch it on your own time. You should be getting a package that has some headphones in it as well so your friends in your hallway don’t have to listen to everything Leon teaches you. Hopefully once you listen to all of this, and internalize just how much he really loves you regardless of your flaws, you’ll understand how much you need to change. Both of you will end up dead if you don’t.”

“He said he loves me?” the blonde questioned, furrowing his brows together with a deep scowl.

“Not directly. But I don’t have another word for the blind trust he’s placed in you despite the years of torment you’ve put him through. And I do mean _years,_ Cloud. It’s probably been longer than you know.”

“I see…”

“Do you? I’m not convinced, but you have time to change that opinion. You told Tifa you needed help, and luckily, you’re in a place that can offer you that. Low security facilities like these focus more on work and rehabilitation than grueling punishment, so you have all the resources you need to clear the sludge out of your brain. You just have to make the effort to take advantage of them. And you will. Or I will beat the shit out of you.”

“…Okay.”

“Good. Don’t force me to live up to my promises, Cloud. I don’t want to come back here with the pretext of hunting you down and making you pay for your attitude. I just want Leon to be happy and safe. He deserves that much for all he’s given you. Would you agree with that?”

“Yeah,” the blonde said, sniffling back the last few straggling tears. He sat up slowly, rubbing the lump that was starting form on the back of his head. Wiping his face afterward, he glanced at Reno briefly before refocusing his attention on his tablet.

The Carrier took a deep breath and slowly let it out through his nose. “Thank you. I feel better knowing you can acknowledge that. And just to be clear, Leon doesn’t actually have the capacity to treat you like dirt under his feet. That’s my own twisted brain pushing out wishful thinking. I hate you. I hate everything you believe to be right. I would’ve been happier had Leon left you behind to rot in Midgar. If Leon did choose to turn you into a subhuman slave that acts according to his every whim, I’d applaud him. But he won’t ever do that. He cares about you too much.

“I don’t care how you accomplish it but you’re going to make him happy. For all I know, all Leon could care about is some nice small talk every now and again and a joke or two. He’s a workaholic, and he probably wouldn’t give a shit if you left him to his own devices most of the time if he has something to do. Right now, he has nothing, which is probably the bulk of his problem. There isn’t anything to distract him from how much he hates himself and if you give him just enough companionship to remedy that, he’ll probably be fine. It won’t take much effort on your part. You just need to learn some control and a way of communicating that doesn’t make you out to be the complete asshole you actually are. Is that asking too much?” the redhead asked.

“No.”

“Good. That’s all I needed,” the redhead said. He stood from his seat and stared at the blonde for a moment as Cloud kept his head down and tried to avoid eye contact. A part of him felt bad for being so harsh, as it was clear that Cloud did actually feel remorseful, but that tiny part was overwritten quickly by the desire to rescue Leon from his woes. He hoped Cloud took him seriously, because he meant every word he said. But, only time would tell if the blonde knew what was good for him.

Reno and Rude left shortly thereafter. They didn’t say goodbye or good luck, they just left. Cloud couldn’t piece together much coherent thought by the time they were gone. So he simply sat and stared at his tablet, terrified of what he would see. Once the guard let the other pair out of the room, he came to the blonde and nudged his shoulder. Cloud looked up at him with a pitiful expression sprawled across his face. The other man frowned at him.

“Time to get going,” he said.

“Back to work?” Cloud asked.

“No, I’m going to take you to the medical wing to make sure your head’s alright. Then we’ll go from there. Take your tablet with you.”

 

\---------------------

 

Leon had managed to rearrange the padding in his box to act as a pseudo cave to hide in. The mound of cushioning rose up above the top lip of the crate and surrounded him from all angles. He left a tiny gap between two of the pillows, just enough for some air flow, but was hidden otherwise. Neku was in the room with him, technically, but Leon had isolated himself so well that it felt like he was alone. There was some comfort there, and despite his emotional jitteriness, he tried his hardest to absorb as much of it as he could. Buried up to his eyes in blankets, his warm cocoon gave him some peace for several hours. It was just long enough for Reno to leave him, have his conversation with Cloud, and then come back.

His redheaded friend gently eased the door to his room open once he returned and peeked inside. Neku looked to him with raised brows and Reno welcomed himself in. He motioned for the other Charge to leave and the strawberry blonde didn’t hesitate. Once he was gone, Reno walked to the other side of the room and pushed the window open some. From the open space in the cave wall, Leon could see the other Carrier’s hand, and in it were a decorated cloth bag and a long smoking pipe with ornate engravings all along the stem.

Reno sat on the floor next to the brunette’s box and tugged open the drawstring pouch. He fished out a square lighter first before dipping the bowl end of the pipe in and scooping out an appropriate portion of the dried leaves therein. The bowl itself was barely wide enough to fit the tip of his thumb as he packed the contents down. Once filled, he pulled the satchel closed again and flicked open the lighter to light up. As he pulled in a lungful of sweet smelling smoke, he settled his other hand at the opening between the cushions and held it open expectantly.

“I know you’re awake in there. I saw your eyes do that weird laser thing they do as I sat down,” the redhead said, slowly letting the smoke trail out through his nostrils. After a moment of hesitation, Leon snaked his hand through the gap and took hold of Reno’s gently. The immediate relief the bovine Carrier felt made his eyes water a bit; he had been so afraid of Leon pushing him away when he came back. The brunette’s hand in his was a very reassuring piece of forgiveness for him. No words needed to be said.

“How is he?” Leon murmured, his words somewhat muffled against his blanket.

“Upset,” Reno said, balancing his free arm on top of his knee. He watched the squiggly line of smoke from the end of the pipe trail up towards the open window.

“Because he’s upset with himself already or did you make him upset?”

“Both. He looked like shit when I got there and he looked like more shit when I left.”

“Is that… good?”

“I like to think so. He looks like he’s been working through the appropriate stages of grief. He’s almost done. He just needs to move from depression to acceptance. [Elisabeth Kübler-Ross](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross) would be proud.”

“Do you think he’ll make it through without hurting himself?”

“Even if he does try something, he’s in a place where he’s monitored and can be helped. Try your hardest to remember that so you can focus on making yourself better. You need to be stable enough to welcome him home when he gets here. If you’re still falling apart to this extreme, it’ll undo any acceptance he might have and he’ll go right back to depression. You don’t have to be shitting rainbows all day, but you have to at least give him the impression that it can get better. Do you think that’s possible?”

“Doesn’t feel like it.”

“Well, the best you can do right now is try. I talked to Tifa when I got back. She has a friend she’s going to call to try and help you. A neutral third party might be beneficial.”

“Dunno what that’s going to help, but whatever.”

“That’s for you to decide. You can take it or leave it, but I encourage you to at least try first.”

“Yeah, fine.”

“Good,” Reno said. He took another long drag from his pipe and let it out slowly.

“What is that?” Leon asked.

“It’s called a kiseru. One of my cousins bought it for me for my birthday a million years ago.”

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“Only when I’m stressed and I need everything to stop and calm down for a bit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize; it’s totally not your fault.”

“Yeah, well…”

“I promise it’s not your fault. I also feel like we’ve gotten over the initial bump and things can start heading for a resolution; regardless of what that resolution may end up being.”

“Really? Think so?”

“Yeah. Cloud either follows through with what I told him, or he doesn’t and shoots himself in the foot. He can only work towards doing either of those things, so from now until he comes home, he can’t do anything else to you. Hopefully he gets something accomplished over the next few months. For his sake.”

“Why his sake?”

“Because if he doesn’t I’m going to rip his lungs out and feed them to him.”

“Reno…”

“I’m serious.”

“I know, and that bothers me,” Leon grumbled. Reno shrugged.

“The truth is the truth. I’m not going to be bothered by you taking offense this time. He’s on his last chance with me.”

The brunette sighed. “Okay.”

“A sad side effect of that is even if he does get better, you still have to deal with the fallout after he comes back. I can’t imagine anyone here will be glad to see him. He’s not going to be Mr. Popular. Or if he is, it’ll be for all the wrong reasons.”

“I hadn’t considered that. You’re not wrong.”

“Hopefully, if you’re comfortable around one another by then, that’ll be enough to convince the others that he’s okay.”

“Yeah.”

“But, that’s a fight for another day,” Reno concluded. After another drag, he closed his eyes and put his head back against the side of Leon’s mattress, releasing a plume of smoke up towards the ceiling.

“Doesn’t that make you sick?” the other Carrier asked.

“No. It does for some people, though; humans and Carriers alike.”

“It smells sweet. What is it?”

“Zen. Dad brought the habit with him to our facility from his home plane. Apparently he started smoking when he was the tiniest of baby children; like six or seven years old or something ridiculous.”

“Really? What the fuck? Who makes children smoke?”

“It was a cultural thing, dude. He was really spiritual; though he probably just never stopped out of habit after a while. We don’t have the same stuff here that he had back home so I can only assume it lost its original purpose. He lived a really long time doing it, though. He was still going at it when I left with you to cross over.”

“Do you think that’s what gave him lung cancer?”

“I doubt it. I think he got lung cancer because he was _really_ fucking old and that was one of the few places left on him to get it naturally. But if it takes almost two thousand years to develop cancer from this stuff, I’d say that’s a pretty fair trade. That’s a long time to live.”

“Very true.”

“Plus, cancer isn’t really a death sentence anymore unless it happens to get into your brain. But even then, it needs to be in very specific places.”

“Also true.”

“Want to try?”

“I’m afraid of it making me sick. I’m a delicate little thing, you know,” Leon said.

Reno snorted. “Whatever you say. You won’t actually know unless you try, though.”

“Yeah…”

“Here,” the redhead said. He used his fingers to quickly wipe his cooties off the end of the mouthpiece before turning the pipe around and holding it in front of Leon’s nest. “I will admit that the first couple times will burn, but it goes away pretty quick.”

“Burning sensations in your lungs are often a sign of bad ideas, Reno,” the brunette said. Despite his claim, he scooted closer to the opening between the cushions and nudged the gap open more.

“I never said I was a good influence on you.”

“The worst influence, some might say,” Leon agreed, taking the ornate kiseru by the stem. It was so thin, he was afraid he would accidentally crush it between his fingers. But it proved to be resilient because nothing of the sort happened.

“That’s a matter of perspective. I like to think I’ve contributed to some of the more colorful moments of your life. Its enrichment,” Reno said, watching the other Carrier take a long pull from the pipe. Almost immediately Leon pulled away as his lungs resisted and forced the air out of himself. An appropriate coughing fit ensued, and Reno laughed a bit at his friend’s expense.

“Holy shit,” Leon croaked once he could retrieve some of the oxygen he lost.

“You okay?” the redhead asked, peeking around the side of the gap to see the other’s face. He smiled.

“Peachy,” the brunette said. He took a few deep breaths between brief stints of coughing, and within a couple minutes, he was alright again.

“Great! For a minute there I was beginning to think you were going to up and suffocate on me.”

“Nope. Almost did, but not yet.”

“I’m happy with that. So, other than feeling like you were punched in the bronchioles, what do you think?”

“It tastes better than I thought it would.”

“Doesn’t it? Kind of sugary, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Feel okay? Not sick or anything?”

“No, I’m okay. Would I feel sick that quickly?”

“Oh yeah. You would’ve been heaving by now.”

“Oh. Small victories, I guess,” Leon said.

“Totally. Again,” the redhead encouraged, nudging the pipe gently. “Three is the magic number; if you can get that far, you’re golden.”

Leon sighed. “Worst influence,” he mumbled, taking another drag.

Reno hadn’t lied. By the third inhale, the brunette didn’t feel like his entire respiratory system was trying to vacate his body all at once. The experience hadn’t been smooth, but at least it wasn’t painful anymore and he could breathe normally. He couldn’t decide if that was a good or a bad thing. However, the longer he tried to dwell on his decision, the more difficult he found caring to be.

Once acclimated to the practice, he felt better. He knew he had so many things to worry about and to be upset over, but he was able to set the problems aside for the moment and just relax. It was similar to the emotional numbness he liked, but with less hopelessness. Pulling down half of his cave, he built up a mound of cushions and curled up against it comfortably, pulling his blanket up to his eyes. Reno scooted closer to the crate and rested his cheek against the side of it.

“I’m going to spend the night in here tonight,” he proclaimed. Leon raised a brow.

“What about Rude?”

“He’s going to bunk with Zack and Tifa and possibly have a lot of fun.”

“Oh. I’m sorry you’re missing out.”

“I’m not. I was invited but I wanted to be here instead.”

“Oh.”

“You don’t sound very excited. Did you not want me to stay?”

“No, I do, I just don’t understand why here is a better alternative.”

“Because I love you, stupid. And I missed you.”

“I see. I missed you too.”

“Aw, you’re cute,” the redhead teased. He reached into the box and combed his fingers through Leon’s hair gently, watching the follicles slide through his digits easily. “You know what we should do?” he asked rhetorically.

“No idea. Enlighten me.”

“We should find you a new hairstyle; something different to mark the start of your recovery.”

“Eh, you’re talking about an insignificant detail that I literally _never_ think about. Changing anything like that would be much more meaningful for you than it would be for me.”

“Well, humor me, then. I want to see.”

“But my box is very comfy.”

“And it’ll be there once we’re done. C’mon. Twenty minutes.”

“Eh…”

“Please?”

Leon huffed a disgruntled sigh. “Fine.”

“Awesome,” Reno twittered, shuffling his satchel and lighter aside. He took the kiseru with him as he stood and reached out towards the window. Upending the bowl outside, he tapped it against the window fame, letting the ash flutter towards the grass. He then set the pipe on the sill and offered a hand to Leon, who was taking his sweet time untangling his limbs from his cocoon.

As the brunette predicted, his friend was much more excited about changing his hair than Leon ever wanted to be. His confidence in his appearance didn’t really exist, so there wasn’t a ledge of egotism to set his standards on. He didn’t have an idea of what he liked, or what suited him. The only thing he was sure of was that he didn’t want an unnatural color. That tidbit made Reno pout a little, but it didn’t break his enthusiasm. The redhead spent the better part of fifteen minutes cruising the catalog of styles as Leon sat quietly and waited for it to be over with.

The brunette had almost drifted off into a cat nap by the time his friend finally made his choice. He could feel the slightly itchy sensation of his synthetic hairs extending to accommodate the new style, and he was immediately skeptical. Longer hair required more maintenance than what he was willing to put up with, and he could already tell it would become an annoyance over time. Before he could pull his attention to the Catalogue Terminal again, Reno quickly closed out of the application.

“Wait for it to come in then go see,” the redhead said happily.

“How long did you make it?” Leon asked grumpily.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Reno, my face is already feminine as it is. I don’t need flowing mermaid hair to make it worse.”

“Oh fuck right off, man. There’s nothing wrong with your face. I like it. And it’s not flowing mermaid hair, either, so calm your tits.”

“Whatever,” the brunette grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Once his mane had finished growing, the redhead shooed him out of the tiny room that housed his terminal so he could shut the machine down as Leon went to discover the changes. There was a problem with his plan, though. Unbeknownst to Reno, Leon had yet to see the full extent of the bruising that covered his face. The brunette was aware that the discolored blotches were there, but he didn’t realize how far they stretched and how much skin they covered. Zack and Tifa had draped a hand towel over the mirror in his bathroom so he couldn’t accidentally see, and Leon hadn’t bothered to remove it until then.

The battered Carrier tugged the piece of cloth down from its perch and immediately froze. He couldn’t bring himself to notice the changes Reno had put in because the enormous deep purple and red splotch that covered half of his image was distracting him. The two black eyes weren’t much of a surprise to him but the entire left side of his face, from his forehead all the way down to his jaw and across his cheek, was almost one solid mass of discoloration. It was in the very early stages of healing and the edges were starting to fade into a dark brown mixed with patches of yellowish-green.

In addition to that were the nearly perfect rings around his neck where Cloud’s fingers had been. They looked like a length of rope that had been wrapped over his throat; as if an overly complex noose had tried to keep him from escaping the inevitable. The reality of his situation came crashing back to him. For the last several hours of his day, he had been able to escape a little; to pretend with genuine feeling that he had been dreaming and his problems didn’t actually exist. But he couldn’t live in that fantasy anymore; the authenticity of the evidence presented to him didn’t allow for such ignorance.

Suddenly, he found it difficult to breathe as the air stopped in his chest and threatened to try and supplant a hole where his heart was supposed to be. A faucet of tears burst from his eyes as grief and nearly tangible fear slowly crushed him, causing him to back away from the mirror until he met with the wall. Coughing out a loud sob, he gradually slid towards the floor and hugged himself. A howling mournful scream ripped from his throat as the last piece of his sensibility shattered.

“Leon?!” Reno called as he dashed out into the bedroom proper and rounded the doorway into the bathroom in a panic. Flopping onto the floor, he quickly crawled towards the brunette to help. “What happened?” he asked worriedly, hesitantly reaching for his friend, unsure if he should actually touch him.

Leon was visibly shaking as he worked through the end of his current anguishing shriek. He managed to suck in enough of a breath to speak. Turning to look at Reno, his entire face was twisted into a mask of painful torment as he deliriously held his hands together as if he was cupping something very small.

“He killed my baby, Reno. And…” Leon attempted as trembling anxious pants broke into his sentence. “And… he tried to kill _me_ ,” he whined, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth to hold between his teeth in a futile attempt to keep his sorrow at bay. He managed to keep it in for all of three seconds between the sobs broke through again and he fell apart. He held his face in his hands to muffle the wailing with little success.

“Oh… Leon…” Reno sighed sadly, a few of his own tears dripping down his cheeks. He reached forward and loosely draped his arms around the crumbling brunette’s shoulders, encouraging him to get closer to him. After a moment, Leon used the front of the other’s shirt as a handle to slowly pull himself nearer. He ended up clinging to the redhead’s torso with his legs limply wrapped around his waist. Reno didn’t hesitate to envelop him in a strong embrace, using both hands to rub up and down the length of the other’s spine comfortingly.

Leon cried into the redhead’s clavicle for another few minutes until his energy dried up. The sobbing slowed to quiet weeping, which then gave way to silence with the occasional hiccupping gasp. Reno gently peppered the side of his face with tiny kisses, reminding the brunette that he wasn’t alone and that he was loved. Leon didn’t have the mental fortitude in that moment to pull together the words he needed to express how much Reno’s presence meant to him. Instead, he slowly eased his arms around the redhead and hugged him back.

“What…” Leon blurted abruptly as another hiccup interrupted him. “What am I going to do?” he murmured weakly.

Reno settled his cheek against the other’s shoulder, rubbing his back again. “You’re going to do anything you need to in order to get your confidence back. You can scream and cry, break stuff, beat something up, whatever you need. I’ll be here to help you. And then when he comes home, you can stand up to him and do whatever you need to so he stays in line.”

“Okay,” the brunette agreed blearily. He was quiet for a moment, sniffling back the last of his tears. “Can we take a nap?” he asked.

“Yes. Please.”

“Good,” Leon mumbled, sitting up properly again. He fumbled around and eventually found the hand towel that had covered the mirror and used it to wipe his face clean. Reno helped himself to pushing the new excess of hair on his head around and back into place again. He gave the brunette a sobering smile afterward.

“It means a lot to me that you’re still here, you know. It says a lot about your strength. You could’ve given up years ago,” he said. Leon took a moment to consider the words carefully as he stared at the fibers of the towel thoughtfully. He eventually set the cloth down again and hugged the redhead around his neck. Reno returned his affection readily.

“Thank you for not giving up on me,” the brunette said softly.

“Not a problem. I couldn’t let you go even if you paid me.”


	85. Chapter 85

Chapter 85

If Cloud never had to fold another pair of foreign underwear again, he would’ve been the happiest person alive. Unfortunately for him, laundry duty was his assigned task for the rest of the week. But because of the menial work, he quickly discovered that there was more to the prison than what he saw on the surface. According to Auron, there was a retirement community and a shelter for domestic violence survivors across the street from them. Both facilities were down on their luck financially and so the warden volunteered her prisoners to provide laundry services for both places as a public service.

The jail itself didn’t have enough inhabitants to provide consistent five hour shifts of laundry duty every day, but they had the facilities for it. Instead of letting the machines collect dust, it only made sense to help out their neighbors since the government was the one that picked up the bill. After all, they paid the price of low land values just by being so close to the prison, so it was the least the warden could think to do for them. They were there first, and didn’t have a say when the penitentiary was being constructed, so it wasn’t like they chose to be there.

For Cloud, it was comforting to know that their shithole of a city still had charitable people living in it even if the effort was small. He still thought that the surplus of homeless families was inexcusable, but at least it wasn’t as bad as he initially thought. However, as nice as the idea was, by the time his hands had to touch their thirtieth pair of giant grandma panties, he was over the novelty.

“How’s your head?” Auron asked, taking the corner of a freshly dried bed sheet in either hand and extending his arms out. He held it up and shook the wrinkles out of it before he started folding it into a neat square.

“It hurts,” Cloud muttered, glaring down at the floral nightgown in his hands.

“All the time?”

“Just when I touch it, mostly.”

“Ah, that’s okay then. You’ll be fine.”

“That’s what the nurse said,” the blonde grumbled. He could still vividly remember his conversation with Reno the day before, and he hadn’t made the effort to watch whatever it was the redhead wanted him to. His tablet had become a foreboding black hole of torment and it made him extremely nervous. He knew he couldn’t avoid it forever; he would eventually have to turn it on and do his schoolwork.

“I take it your visitor wasn’t a friend?”

“Not at all.”

“I’m surprised they let you talk to him, then,” Auron said as he set the sheet aside and took up another one.

“I didn’t know what he wanted so I didn’t think anything of it until I sat down with him. He’s my Carrier’s friend.”

“I can see why that ended badly.”

“Yeah,” Cloud agreed. He smoothed the nightgown out on the tabletop in front of him and attempted to fold it as neatly as he could. He had no idea what he was doing.

“What did he want to tell you?”

“…Everything,” the blonde said hesitantly. He stopped folding and stared at the table for a moment as the surge of information Reno had dumped on him started pushing back into his focus.

“What does that mean?”

“I… I don’t know just yet. He told me… he basically said I did a lot more damage than what I remember doing.”

“To your Carrier?”

“No, before that. Way before that. Before we even met,” Cloud said, picking up his hand and looking at his palm. In many contexts, eight wasn’t a very big number. But to him, when it pertained to entire lives being wasted, it was huge. The blonde followed the creases in his skin with his eyes, expecting to see blood start seeping along them. He still couldn’t recall any of the instances Reno had told him specifically, but he didn’t doubt their validity. In the back of his mind, he knew they were true. He didn’t know how he knew, but he did.

“Hey,” Auron barked as Cloud went silent for an inordinate amount of time. The blonde startled and looked to him again, putting his hand down against the table as he did so.

“Hm?” he acknowledged.

“You’re not going to have a mental break and try to choke me out with a pair of knee socks or something, are you? Should I be on my guard?”

“No. No… I’m… no,” Cloud mumbled.

“Are you okay? Seriously.”

“I’m really tired.”

“Yeah, I can tell. Sit,” the older man said, reaching over to pull a nearby chair out from under the table for him. The blonde sat in it heavily and held his face in his hands.

“I really wish I could sleep,” he murmured from behind his fingers.

“How long has it been?”

“…I don’t remember. A few days?”

“Oh wow, okay. Did you tell the nurses?” Auron questioned. Cloud shook his head. “You should probably tell them. They might give you something to help.”

“This morning, I thought one of the guards was pushing himself down the hallway, on the floor, on his stomach. It looked like he was trying really hard to swim in the ground,” the blonde said, rubbing his face tiredly.

“Really?”

“Yeah. There wasn’t anyone actually there, though.”

“Hopefully. They’d have to replace a lot of broken tiles if there had been. Have you had this problem for a while? Or just since you got here?”

“A while. A very long while. I used to take pills to help me sleep before I came here.”

“You should probably talk to the nurses, then. If you’re hallucinating, that’s a serious problem.”

“Maybe,” Cloud said. Right then, the effort it would’ve taken to seek out a guard to talk to seemed like a monumental task. There were cameras everywhere around the prison, so they were constantly monitored, but the population of guards was actually very small compared to most other places of the same size. Even if he found one relatively quickly, he wasn’t confident that they would actually help him, so it didn’t seem worth it. He knew he should’ve though.

Behind him, the door into the laundry room opened and another prisoner wandered in to presumably start his shift. He was a middle aged balding man, east Asian in appearance, and he seemed all to happy to be there. Humming a tune Cloud didn’t recognize, the stranger meandered over to the wheeled bin of laundry bags that had come from the domestic abuse shelter. They hadn’t been washed yet. He picked through them carefully and selected one to his liking before taking it over to a spare bank of machines.

Cloud and Auron both watched the man open the bag, and take out a pair of pink lacy panties that had most likely come from a young woman. Shamelessly, he looked them over for several seconds before he abruptly shoved the crotch up against his nostrils and sucked in a deep inhale. Dumbfounded, Cloud slapped a hand over his mouth and looked to Auron who was just as shocked as he was. In the back of his mind he wondered if he was seeing things again, but judging by how the other Charge had a similar look of disgust on his face, he was fairly certain that the other prisoner actually existed.

“Really?!” the older Charge spat angrily, dropping the sheet he had been folding on the table in a heap.

“Hey!” the other man said, glaring at them out of the corner of his eye. “Don’t judge me, okay? It’s been a while, and I just need a bit of a fix to get the juices flowin’ again, y’know what I mean?”

“No. No, Hamaya, I don’t know what you mean because I don’t have erectile dysfunction. I don’t require stale vaginal scents from abused women in order to get ‘my juices flowing’ like you do,” Auron said, his mouth twisting into a sneer.

“That’s easy for you to say. You queers are probably havin’ a _wonderful_ time with the sausage fest in this place. Or then again, maybe not. Maybe if this was a farm, you’d feel more at home. If that’s the case, then I pity you. You must miss fuckin’ your chickens.”

Auron snorted a laugh. “If we’re comparing preferences here, you’ve got the wrong panties. Those are too big for the girls you prefer. You like them younger, right? Littler?” he asked, narrowing his eye on the other man suspiciously.

“What are you talking about?”

“See, the innocence game only works if the person you’re talking to has no idea who you are. But, I happen to know _all_ about you. You’re Hideki Hamaya, right? Forty-seven years old, right? A natural forty-seven by the look of it, too. No stasis there.”

Hamaya set the panties down and turned his attention to Auron, glaring daggers at him. “Do I know you?” he asked.

“No, I just read a lot. You used to be the Chief Administrator of the western quadrant’s school system for this dome. You were arrested three years ago for child molestation, but the allegations were dropped because for _some_ reason the parents decided they no longer wanted to press charges right before your trial. I’m guessing there was bribery involved. Stop me if I’m incorrect.”

“How do you know—“

“However, your secretary was really upset when your personal life was exposed all over the local media and she found out that she wasn’t the only one you were having an affair with. Your wife at the time was also fairly upset. They exposed your embezzlement scheme within the school system and the city figured out where the district’s money was hemorrhaging from. So now you’re here. With us chicken fuckers.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hamaya hissed. He tried to come off as threatening, but it was clear that he knew Auron was right. Angry embarrassment in the form of sweat and redness started creeping across his face.

“So… you wouldn’t mind me letting Craig at the end of your block know that you’re the one that took his picture frame from his cell last week? You’d think that the slideshow he had of his daughter on there was more than enough fodder for you to ‘get your juices flowing,’ but here you are, snorting panties like a real man. I’m glad you upgraded; Craig’s kid is only six. She doesn’t need you in her life like that,” Auron continued.

“You know nothing!” the accused prison yelled.

“I know _everything_.”

“Lies! Those are lies you’re spreading about me you slanderous fuck! How dare you!”

“I’ll ask Craig if he thinks I’m lying. You did put the frame back, after all. Once you were done flowing your juices on it, that is. Don’t think I don’t know about that either.”

Hayama was genuinely shocked and he started at Auron, his mouth open and his eyes wide. “How do you know all of this?!” he screamed.

“A magician never reveals his secrets, my sleazy friend. I’m not surprised you didn’t realize how magical I am; I left my pointy hat at home. I had to jam it up my chicken’s cloaca before I left so she didn’t miss the feeling of me while I was gone.”

“Wh—you! St—don’t mock me!” the other man stammered deftly. Auron shook his head and turned back to the sheet he had been folding.

“Hamaya, if I was you, I wouldn’t walk into situations assuming the people involved are stupid. I also wouldn’t assume that your habits are normal and that everyone around you is okay with it. That’s how you get your ass beat.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“Not at all. It’s just some friendly advice.”

“Fuck you!”

“Oh, no thank you. You don’t have enough feathers and I’m too old for you,” Auron said simply. Hamaya opened and closed his mouth several times as he failed to find the words for more arguing. After a moment of brainless stuttering and confusion, he turned on his heel and stomped out of the room. The door slammed shut behind him, and the silence he left behind was filled with unanswered questions.

“That was… really creepy,” Cloud remarked, surprised by the entire exchange. He watched Auron with leery eyes as the man worked.

“Yeah, Hayama is fairly scummy like that,” the other man agreed.

“How did you know so much about him?”

“I read a lot. Most of the things people in low security facilities get arrested for are a matter of public record. I can remember hearing stories about him when I was in another dome and I looked him up out of curiosity. I also did a lot of research on the population here so I knew what I was dealing with when they told me I was going to be transferred again. And before you ask, yes, I have a tablet here just like you do.”

“I see. Aren’t you afraid he’s going to come after you when you aren’t expecting it? He seemed sort of unstable.”

“He might, but I’m not that worried.”

“Why not?” the blonde asked.

“In general, I have a really hard time taking people like him seriously.”

“I was close to getting up and slapping him before you stepped in.”

“Is that so? What part did you want to hit him for first?” Auron asked, settling his neatly folded sheet on his growing stack. He bent down to pick up another one from the laundry bin at his side, and then repeated the process.

“The ‘queers’ and ‘chicken fuckers’ part.”

“Right from the start, eh?”

“I don’t appreciate being called those sorts of things.”

“I see,” the senior prisoner said thoughtfully.

“What about you? Didn’t you want to beat the shit out of him?”

“Not really, no.”

“How can you say that? He deserves it.”

“Maybe, but he wasn’t doing anything illegal; he was just a creep. If I had started a physical confrontation with him, I would’ve been the one taking whatever punishment the guards decide to dish out,” Auron said. He pointed up at the corner of the ceiling and then moved his finger to point at every other corner as well. There was a small black half sphere in each of the four spaces. “They’re always watching. In some areas, they can hear us, too. Don’t forget that.”

“Oh,” Cloud said, looking at the camera domes curiously.

“So, the moral of the story is that violence doesn’t really solve problems; it just makes more of them. It’s cliché, I know, but it’s true.”

“I guess…”

“Your apprehension tells me that you don’t agree.”

“No, I do, I just… I don’t know,” Cloud said, running his hand through his hair. He winced and scrunched up his face when he brushed over the bump on his scalp. For a moment, he had forgotten it existed.

“Have you solved most of your problems with violence? Because that’s what you sound like you’re trying to tell me without actually saying it.”

“…I may have.”

“And now you have a hundred tons of old lady negligees to fold. Congratulations.”

“Yeah, okay, point taken.”

“Why do you think you solve all your issues with violence? I’m curious.”

“I don’t know. I just… don’t think about it I guess.”

“Control problems?”

“I guess?” Cloud said. He squinted at Auron confusedly. “Why do you want to know this?”

“I like knowing how people work. I find it interesting,” the other man said simply with a shrug.

“Yeah, well, I find it hard to believe you haven’t ever gotten into a fight with someone.”

“Oh, I have. Just not in a long time. I killed someone when I did, so now _I_ have a hundred tons of old lady negligees to fold.”

“Ah. Right. I forgot.”

“Look, kid, it’d do you a lot of good if you take a lesson in restraint. People will respect you more if you’re not the one to throw the first punch. And by ‘people’ I mean ones that actually matter; normal ones that can have a real impact on you. Only idiots, thugs, and mentally compromised people go out and pick fights or hurt people just because they can. The vast majority of everyone else? They don’t want any of that.”

“And if someone else throws the first punch? Should I just sit and let them have at it?”

“No, you always have a right to defend yourself, but restraint makes it so you can get out of a situation with the bad guy still looking like the bad guy. If a drunk guy punches you in the gut and you kill him for it, you just look insane. If you just punch him back and walk away, then he’s the asshole for starting it.”

“And what if your life is at stake?” Cloud asked, crossing his arms over his chest. He was getting somewhat offended by Auron’s prying and suggested judgment.

“Like I said, you can defend yourself all day every day. Just don’t elevate the situation to where you take it farther than the person who started it. Life threatening situations are different, and where your life is headed, you probably won’t have to worry about it very much.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You’re a Charge. You’re going to live in an isolated community surrounded by people that don’t give a shit about the social structure of society and therefore don’t give a shit about other people enough to start fights. I’ve never met a Carrier that hated another Carrier simply for existing or because that Carrier had more than what he had. The human public is what you have to worry about, and even then, the likelihood of you being in a dangerous situation like that is very very very small.”

“I think that’s a load of bullshit, honestly. People kill other people all the time.”

“Yeah because of negligence or accidents. The people who kill just to kill are a tiny speck of dust on the murder radar. The chances of you coming across someone who legitimately wants to kill you because of who you are is almost nonexistent. And if you do, it’s most likely going to be someone you know. Not a random stranger on the street. If you’re accosted for being a Charge in the future, it’s most likely just going to be aggravating. Not life threatening.”

“I still don’t agree.”

“Why not?”

“Because where I come from, people kill because they have the ability to. And I mean that sincerely. Of the adult male population, I’d be comfortable with saying that at least a quarter of them have killed someone just because they could. There’s probably more than that; a quarter is a conservative guess.”

“Really?” Auron questioned, raising a brow. He bent to retrieve another bed sheet.

“Yes.”

“That explains a lot.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Cloud asked crankily, furrowing his brows together.

“It means I understand more than I did previously. I can see where your views come from based on your statements.”

“Are you being sarcastic?”

“No. I understand why you solve your problems with violence if you really did come from an environment like that. Did your mother ever tell you that fighting wasn’t a solution?”

“…Not that I recall.”

“Did you fight a lot when you were a kid?”

“No. My foster brothers liked to pick on me for that.”

“Brothers are bastards like that.”

“One of them was okay most of the time. The other one was a massive dickhead,” Cloud grunted. He stood from his seat with a tired sigh and ran a hand over his face again. Figuring he should get back to work, since they were apparently being watched, he stepped around the table and back to the floral nightgown he had been neglecting.

“Well at least the one was alright. You were a foster kid? Interesting.”

“Is it?”

“Yes. Do you know why you were removed from your original parents?”

“The government took me. It was very common. They put the kids in places where they can be kept track of and when they got old enough the military would come in for their shiny new soldier to enlist,” the blonde said spitefully, fumbling with the maze of fabric in his hands like a domestically stunted Neanderthal.

“Oh. You were a soldier?” Auron said curiously, lifting his brows in surprise.

“Barely.”

“Barely still counts.”

“I suppose. It wasn’t much of anything. All I succeeded in doing was murde—okay, you know what? Fuck whatever this thing is,” Cloud grumbled angrily, dropping the nightgown on the table again. He stooped to pick up the laundry bag it came from and looked at the little computerized name plate. It hung off the bag’s drawstrings on a short chain and was simply a digital display just big enough for a name and place of residence. “I’m sorry, Ethel who lives in unit 7B. Your giant tent of cloth has outsmarted me. It’ll come back to your wrinkled,” the blonde muttered, pulling the gown off the table and stuffing it into the bag unceremoniously.

“Haven’t you ever seen a little old granny nightie before? It’s not complicated.”

“I haven’t seen a little old granny before. When do people earn ‘granny’ status? And, by the way, Ethel can’t be a ‘little’ anything. Her dress thing was huge.”

“Wait. Hang on. Run that by me again. You haven’t seen an elderly person before?”

“What counts as ‘elderly’ over here? I’ve seen old people, but I’ve been told a few times that my concept of age is skewed.”

“I don’t understand what you mean by that.”

“Like… if I was still back home, I’d be considered almost middle aged,” Cloud explained as he took a pair of Ethel’s slacks out of the clean clothes basket. He raised a befuddled brow at the elastic waistband and stretched it as wide as it would go before letting it go again. He concluded that Ethel must’ve been a very large woman.

“You can’t be serious,” Auron said with blatant amazement. “How long do people live where you come from?”

“If they’re lucky, maybe fifty.”

“Wow! That’s unbelievably short.”

“Is it? It seems long to me. How old is ‘old’ over here?”

“Well, if you’re calculating natural aging, people generally live into their nineties. If they took care of themselves in their earlier years, then maybe more. Stasis sort of blows that number out of the water and people generally live until their money runs out. Fifty is a drop in the bucket. It’s no wonder you haven’t met a crinkly old lady before.”

“I mean, I say I haven’t, but I really just don’t remember meeting one. I may have for all I know. I’m… missing some years in there.”

Auron gave him a bit of a dry disbelieving smile. “Okay, so let me get this straight. You were born in a place that kidnapped you from your parents and put you in foster care, in a country that has conscription forced on you at whatever age, with a population that murders for the sake of it, _and_ you have memory loss and insomnia? What kind of fucking hellhole did you fall out of?”

“Hey… it wasn’t all bad,” Cloud said with a scowl. “I was fine until the military got me. I was a relatively happy kid, I had everything I needed, and it wasn’t like I lived in a constant bloodbath during my childhood. There were just a _lot_ of soldiers in a lot of places and bad stuff happened sometimes. But I was in the countryside and away from the bigger cities; I didn’t see any of it until I was older. So… yeah, it was sort of shit, but only for the latter part of my time there.”

“Don’t take this in a weird way, but you are a fascinating person. That’s a very full life for someone your age. People over here usually take their time doing things because they know they have a really long time to live if they can afford to pay for it. Then, once they stop their stasis treatments, they wait until they’re getting wrinkles and then they retire and wait to die.”

“There’s that word again: retire. You said one of the places across the street is for retired people, right? What do they do? I don’t know what that means,” the blonde asked.

“Well…” Auron trailed thoughtfully, pursing his lips a little. “When people here work for a very long time, they more or less earn the ability to spend their later aging years sitting on their butt doing nothing if they care to. The way it’s meant to work is they’re supposed to pay into a fund that’s set aside for them their whole working life, and then they live off of that money and the government from the time they retire to whenever they die.”

“That sounds awful. I couldn’t imagine spending years doing nothing. I get twitchy after a couple days of nothingness.”

“You’re also young and have the energy for it.”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s still weird to me, though,” Cloud deduced. He paused his work to yawn for a few seconds. Sighing afterward, he wondered if he would make it to the point where his body would give out and he’d be forced to sleep.

“Not to sound like a nagging mother, but you really should talk to the nurses about getting something to help you sleep,” Auron said.

“I know. I will at some point.”

“Good. I hope they can help.”

 

 

\-----------------------------

 

 

It was late. Or at least, late for Leon. He was extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to crawl back into bed with Reno and sleep for a week. But there he was, sitting in his lab wearing his blanket like a cowl again. He managed to pull his entire self into the chair, legs and all, with the fabric balled around him so from the side he looked like one giant blobby cloth mass. Anxiety trickled out through his eyes, the only thing the strangers across from him could see through the tiny opening in his makeshift hood.

He wasn’t ready to see people he didn’t know yet. His bruises were shameful reminders of his weakness and he really didn’t want to project that image to other people. However, Reno had insisted that what they had for him was important. The redhead was with him for moral support but sat a short distance away to give the illusion of privacy. The pair across from him consisted of one man and one woman, both of which were dressed very professionally. They looked like lawyers to him, which didn’t make any sense and confused him.

The man was older, lightly tan in pallor, had bright grey streaks through his otherwise black hair, and a jagged scar over one eye. The eyelid looked to have been sealed shut, but Leon couldn’t say for sure. The woman next to him was much younger by comparison, had a round face, long auburn curly hair that fell to her elbows, and lively blue eyes. When she spoke, she had a soft and kind voice.

“Hello Leon. How’re you doing?” the unfamiliar woman asked, settling her tablet on the table in front of her and smiling politely.

“Fine,” the Carrier murmured, his mind flipping through a miasma of anxiety-laden questions. Why were they here? What did they want? Was he in trouble? Were they here to punish him? Euthanize him? Lock him away until he was sane again? Why was Reno so calm? Who were these people?

“That’s good. My name is Sunny. This is my associate Auron. We’re here to help you.”

“Help me?”

“Yes. I’m cofounder of Fresh Start, a domestic violence shelter in the inner city. In my past life I was a Charge from the canine facility. Tifa is a good friend of mine and she called me in to offer my services. I’m sorry we had to meet so late, but I wanted to introduce you to Auron at least once. After today it’s debatable as to when you’ll see each other again. If ever,” she explained, motioning to her partner briefly. Leon kept his eyes on the man, trying to discern his purpose before he could say anything.

“Like Sunny said, my name is Auron. Like her, I used to be a Charge, but at the leporidae facility in Dome 110. In my life before that I was what would equate to a psychologist over here. Now, I work with the Technicians in crisis situations in an effort to diffuse and resolve disputes between Charges and Carriers. I’m actually stationed inside the prison Cloud is at and I’ve already met with him on a few occasions. He doesn’t know who I am. The warden does, though, and supports this arrangement,” the man explained carefully.

“I see,” Leon said flatly. “Has Cloud said anything to you? About… anything?”

“He admitted to why he’s there and told me a little about himself, but with some resistance.”

“Sounds about right.”

“Is there anything I should know before pressing him further?”

“Uh…” the brunette drawled, furrowing his brows in thought. “I wouldn’t bring up his past relationships.”

“Familial relationships? Or intimate ones?” the man asked, leaning to the side to retrieve his own tablet from his bag. Once he had it ready to take notes, he dug into his suit jacket’s pocket and brought out a pair of small framed reading glasses and put them on.

“Intimate ones. He did… a lot of not-so-great things and pushing him into talking about it is a very easy way to make him angry,” Leon mumbled.

“He cleaved his girlfriend in half,” Reno butted in. The brunette snapped his attention to the redhead with wide eyes.

“Reno!” he barked angrily.

“What? You were going to pussyfoot around it. The guy is here to help; you have to tell him the stuff he needs to know. You can’t sugarcoat it.”

“A lack of sugar does help my understanding, I will admit,” Auron said, taking notes.

“See?” Reno said.

Leon sighed. “I was going to say it… just not like that.”

“Oh my. I didn’t realize it went that deep,” Sunny said, putting a hand on her cheek.

“What do you mean?” the brunette questioned.

“I’ve actually met Cloud before. Tifa introduced us and we found that he and I share some similar demons, but his apparently go much farther than I realized.”

“Oh…” Leon trailed, unsure of how he felt about Sunny having spent time with his Charge and then coming in to try and counsel him about their problems. “She introduced you with the intention of like… dating?” he asked.

Right then, the idea of Cloud going out and actually following through with his intent to segregate Leon from his personal life was extremely painful. Before, Leon didn’t like being alone and having his Charge become independent, but he had convinced himself that the blonde’s happiness was a priority. And it still was, but Leon was questioning if Cloud having a life outside the facility was what was best for his own sake. He knew he wouldn’t be happy like Reno wanted him to be, but the more he struggled with his self control and keeping his grief in check, the more he began to realize that he didn’t have the strength to be so unhappy for the rest of his life; even if that meant Cloud was happier without him. He didn’t know what to do or how to feel and the confliction made his body ache.

“I don’t know what she was intending but Cloud was interested, most definitely. However, I haven’t considered anyone romantically since my Carrier passed away. In light of the current events, I can’t see Cloud being the one to break that cycle. Regardless, all that means is he isn’t for me. I still want to help you both find a resolution you can be happy with. If you’re going to keep him, this needs to be solved in some way,” Sunny said.

“I see,” Leon said uneasily.

“I can sense your apprehension.”

“I don’t know what to do to fix this. I’m not confident it can be.”

“Trying to force a solution right this second wouldn’t be the most advisable thing, so instead I think we should take our time. I’ll be here twice a week to speak to you and we can work on it together.”

“Oh. I wasn’t aware these arrangements had been made. I sort of wish someone would’ve said something to me first,” Leon grumbled. Reno decided he wanted to be part of the conversation right then and pulled his chair over to sit at the table with them.

“Zack, Tifa, Joshua, Neku, Reno, and Rude have all met with me already. Reno helped us understand the situation in its entirety,” Sunny said.

Leon’s attention shifted to Reno. “What does that mean?” he asked.

“I told them everything,” the redhead said.

Leon’s eyes nearly rolled out of his head in shock. Panic shot through all of his nerves, making his hands shake and his palms sweat. He stared at Reno as the redhead deliberately focused on the tabletop instead of looking at him. His face was stony and blank. Leon had the sudden urge to close the gap between them and strangle the other Carrier but fear, humiliation, anxiety, and shame kept him firmly glued to his seat.

“Why? Why would you do that to me?” the brunette asked, his voice cracking.

“Because if you want support, everyone involved needs to be on the same page so we can all understand and help accordingly,” Reno said gently. He glanced at Leon briefly, saw his eyes turning misty, and immediately regretted everything. “I’m sorry.”

“No… no you’re not,” Leon said weakly. “I hate you so much right now. Fuck you,” he muttered, pulling the blanket around him tightly. His eyes disappeared under the fabric as well as he failed to keep his tears from dripping free. Emotionally exhausted, he couldn’t bring himself to fall apart like he had the previous evening. He was quiet save for the occasional hiccupping sniffle. Leaning forward, he rested his face on the tabletop and hugged himself, hoping they would forget he was there.

“I’m sorry,” Reno repeated, watching Leon carefully.

“Stop lying to me,” the brunette spat back at him.

“I’m not lying. I knew you wouldn’t be happy with me but we can’t help you without knowing the problem that needs helping. You complain about people trying to tell you what’s best for you but you don’t give them any context to figure out a solution that you’d be happy with anyway,” the redhead said. He stood from his seat and walked around to the deflated opening of Leon’s blanket mound. Lifting the piece of fabric shielding the brunette’s face, he tried to give his friend a reassuring smile. Leon’s tears broke is heart.

“You should’ve told me…” the brunette whined.

“You would’ve just gotten angry at me. And then you would’ve been angrier when I did it anyway. I need to know that you have people here that can help you the way you need and want to be helped. By hiding from us, all you’ve succeeded in doing is making everyone frustrated because we don’t understand.”

“But you do understand, though. That’s good enough.”

“But I’m not going to be here forever. What’re you going to do when I leave?”

“Be upset,” Leon said bluntly.

“And that doesn’t solve anything. You can’t keep hiding from this. You’re not going to get better if you do.”

“But—“

“Don’t you want to live a life where this doesn’t constantly pull you backwards?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore…”

“Yeah, I can tell. Try to believe that this is progress, though. I did the hard part for you; everyone’s in the loop now. I had the right amount of boogers and tears and everything, it was really gross.”

Leon used his blanket to dry his face. He sniffled loudly. “What did Tifa say about it?” he asked. He was trying his hardest to pick the pieces of his self up and put them back together. The fragments were very small, though, and he felt like he was trying to keep them in a bucket with holes in it. He kept wiping his eyes as they leaked against his will.

“She was very upset. I would expect a lot of apologies from her in the near future.”

“Okay…”

Auron took off his reading glasses and set them on the table. “I’ll do what I can to keep in touch with Sunny about Cloud so she can let you know how he is. I can’t guarantee how consistent that’ll be, but I’ll try.”

Leon slowly sat up again, not bothering to cover his face anymore. He stared at the table miserably. “Okay,” he repeated blandly.

“I’m sorry this has been so brief but I can’t afford to stay here much longer. I need to get back before the other inmates figure out I’m gone.”

“One question,” the brunette said, not bothering to look at the man.

“Sure.”

“Has he been sleeping?”

“From what he says, not really. Hopefully he listened to me and sought out the medical staff but I’ll know for sure tomorrow.”

“Okay,” the brunette sighed. The other man leaned over and tucked his tablet back into his bag. Leon looked to him finally. “Can you… make sure he isn’t suffering? I just… need him to get some help; he doesn’t have to be miserable in the process,” he asked hesitantly.

“I’ll try my hardest,” Auron said, tucking his glasses away again. Sunny stood with him and gave Leon a small smile.

“I’ll be back tomorrow, Leon. On the days that I’m here, I’ll make sure I don’t have anything else scheduled so I can stay for as long as you need me to. I’d like to stay at least an hour each visit, but more is fine. You don’t have to spend the time talking to me or doing anything you don’t want to do, but I will be here if you need me. Is that okay?”

“I guess,” the brunette said.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Sleep well.”

Leon followed the pair with his eyes as they left, his mind in a jumble. Reno leaned against him and rubbed his back reassuringly. The brunette couldn’t think of what he should be doing next. His brain was fried and so he simply sat and stared at the exam table quietly. He couldn’t bring himself to try processing his situation fully.

“Let’s get to bed,” the redhead encouraged. Leon let out a shaky breath and groggily unfolded himself from his seat to stand.

“I still hate you. I just… can’t be bothered right now,” he grumbled.

“I really am sorry, though. I didn’t know what else to do. Everyone was getting so upset because they didn’t think things were going to get better; they needed to know why it was so difficult to fix so they could be more patient.”

“I understand. Still hate you, though.”

“Yeah, well, if that distracts you from everything for a little while, I can live with it.”


	86. Chapter 86

Chapter 86

Cloud’s sleepless nights were taking a toll on him. Every movement made him feel like he was falling, and he couldn’t keep a coherent sentence in his head long enough to speak it. When he sat still, his body would force him into one or two minute microsleeps every half hour or so. He would lose consciousness for those precious moments but pop awake shortly thereafter feeling disoriented.

In addition to that, his hallucinations were spiraling out of control. Every time he noticed something around him moving, he would startle and automatically think it was something that was going to hurt him. The other inmates noticed how twitchy he was, but Cloud’s reactions to them weren’t over the top or intrusive; it was just very clear that the blonde was afraid of them. They left him alone, mostly.

Auron was the only one that tried to talk to him with any sort of persistence. Cloud wasn’t very cognizant and often blanked out in the middle of listening to whatever Auron was telling him. The younger Charge didn’t try to reply to him, either. He simply stared at the other man’s face, blearily blinking every now and again to show that he was still alive, but was otherwise unresponsive.

Auron had had enough. He went to the medical staff himself and reported Cloud’s problem to them directly and the nurses quickly attempted to retrieve Cloud from his cell to help him. Once they laid hands on him, all hell broke loose. The blonde’s demons from the past reared their ugly heads and all he could comprehend were people dressed in white trying to drag him away to somewhere he didn’t want to be.

The latent fear and paranoia manifested itself violently and he lashed out at the people around him, screaming profanities at them in a language they couldn’t understand as he tried to fight them off. Guards were called in to assist the medical staff and Cloud was quickly overpowered and subdued. With his hands bound behind his back, they dragged the ailing Charge away as he continued yelling at them and resisting their grips on his arms, but in the end he couldn’t escape.

He was deposited into a small solitary confinement cell in the medical wing. The only thing in the room with him was a chair, a toilet, and a camera with a little black dome over it on the ceiling that the medical staff used to watch him with. They shoved him into the room with his hands still bound behind his back and let him thrash around as much as he wanted. He kicked the chair around some, but quickly ran out of energy when there wasn’t anything else he could take his aggressions out on.

Once quiet, Cloud wobbled over to a corner and slowly lowered himself to the floor. Frightened delirious tears trickled down his face as he huddled in a heap, using the walls for support. He rested his face against one of his knees and sniffled to himself quietly. Utterly exhausted, he couldn’t process his situation clearly. He didn’t understand why he was being forced back into basic training; he could’ve sworn he had already escaped. Leon, the Carrier facilities, their project, and just about everything else in his recent past escaped from his comprehension; all he could recall was being held against his will and being made to do inhumane things he didn’t want to do. History was repeating itself.

After talking to the medical staff and gaining approval from the warden, Auron was allowed to see him. He came in as quietly and as calmly as he could and sat with Cloud. The blonde didn’t seem to notice him even after Auron tried talking to him. The younger Charge stayed unresponsive for a long while. The only dialog Auron managed to get out of him was soft incoherent murmurings he couldn’t understand. The older Charge wondered if what Cloud was saying was confused rambling or if he was actually saying things Auron just didn’t have the language for. After much debate, Auron left again and requested that one of the guards bring him his tablet.

 

\--------------------------

“What’s up?” Reno asked, rubbing his damp hair with a towel. He had just emerged from Leon’s bathroom after a shower and came to discover the brunette sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. Rude was sitting with him with a look of concern on his face.

“Cloud’s having a bad morning,” Leon murmured. He was quiet for a moment before he let out a grunt and started rubbing his temples with his fingertips. “My Signet is going absolutely insane and it’s giving me a headache.”

“What does ‘bad morning’ equate to?” the redhead asked, crossing the room to his luggage to dig for a pair of pants.

“Bad as in mentally unstable. He’s detrimentally scared out of his mind,” the brunette explained.

“Is he being physically hurt at all?”

“Not that I can tell.”

“So his brains are just broken? That’s nothing new.”

“I know, but…” Leon trailed. He heaved a sigh. “I’m really worried. I want to go see him.”

“Oh, no you don’t,” Reno chastised, pulling his jeans up his legs. “You’re not seeing him. Not yet. You need to get your head screwed on correctly, first.”

“But—“

“No. I understand why you’re upset but you can’t do this to yourself. Auron is there. He’ll be fine. Sunny will be here soon and you can talk it out with her.”

“But I don’t want to talk to Sunny.”

“Well, that’s on you then. Rude and I need to head out and get something to eat so she’ll be here with you while we’re gone.”

“Can you stop by the prison and ask if Cl—“

“No.”

“But—“

“If they need you to know something, they will call you. Auron will call Sunny. You’ll hear about it. I promise.”

“But—“

“Leon, please,” Reno said. He cleared the distance between them and grabbed the brunette’s face between his hands. Leaning in, he kissed Leon’s forehead several times reassuringly. “You have to focus on yourself for a little while. Just trust that the people at the prison know what they’re doing and everything will be okay. You need to get better before you can worry about making Cloud better, okay?”

“I know… but…”

“Stop it,” the redhead said. Leon huffed a sigh and pulled away from him. Crawling to the head of his bed, he threw himself under his blankets and buried himself with his frustration. Reno frowned but continued getting dressed.

Sunny arrived shortly thereafter and knocked on Leon’s door. Reno and Rude greeted her, they exchanged a few brief pleasantries, and they explained Leon’s latest problem. Then the pair left. The woman sat on the edge of Leon’s bed opposite from the brunette and kept quiet. She didn’t bother him, didn’t pry, and didn’t say anything. Relaxing back against the headboard, she brought up her tablet and started reading. Leon was happy to ignore her. She was there for about fifteen minutes before she received a call on her tablet.

“This is Sunny,” she said kindly as she answered.

“Are you with Leon yet?” Auron asked quickly. The Carrier in question quickly pulled the pillow off his face and started paying attention. Sunny glanced at him and then back to her tablet.

“Yes, you’ve managed to wake him up for me, too.”

“Is he okay to help me with Cloud for a minute? The kid is having a problem and I’m not sure what to do for him,” Auron said. Leon practically launched himself across the bed to get to Sunny’s tablet. The woman pulled it away from him before he could grab it though. She gave him a concerned face.

“Are you sure you want to speak to him? I can’t say I’d encourage you two to speak so soon,” she said.

“Sunny, this isn’t the typical domestic case. The idea is that they’re supposed to get better and stay together. Not separate them and help the victim cope,” Auron interrupted somewhat grumpily.

“Yes, I’m aware, but I haven’t even gotten the chance to speak with—“

“Let me see him!” Leon demanded, reaching for the tablet. The woman sighed and handed it to him. Quickly sitting up, the Carrier retreated back to his side of the bed. Auron set his own tablet on the floor and propped it up against the wall next to Cloud. The blonde’s barely audible mumblings radiated through the tablet. Leon pulled the device closer to his ear to listen and he quickly discovered what the problem was.

“ _I didn_ _’_ _t mean to_ _…_ _don_ _’_ _t want_ _…_ _don_ _’_ _t wanna go back_ …” Cloud murmured in his native tongue. Leon frowned. The pity he had for his Charge made his chest feel tight.

“ _Cloud. Listen to me_ ,” the brunette said gently. The blonde went quiet. “ _You_ _’_ _re not going back._ _”_

“ _Not going back_?”

“ _That_ _’_ _s right._ ”

“ _But they_ _’_ _re trying to hurt me_.”

“ _They_ _’_ _re not. You need help._ ”

“ _Help?_ ”

“ _Right_ ,” Leon said. “Auron,” he called.

“Yeah?” the man responded.

“What were they doing to him?”

“Trying to bring him to the medical ward to sedate him. He needs it. Badly.”

“Okay,” Leon said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before continuing. “ _Cloud, the people there are trying to give you something to help you sleep. You need to cooperate with them_.”

“ _Sleep?_ ” the blonde murmured. “ _I_ _’_ _m really tried._ ”

“ _I know. You can get some rest once they help you. Can you let them do that_?”

“ _I don_ _’_ _t trust them_.”

“ _But do you trust me?_ ” Leon asked. His Charge was quiet for a long moment as he tried to pull together his thoughts enough to figure out who he was talking to. The Carrier was asking a loaded question and it struck him as something he should consider carefully. It took him longer than it should’ve to remember Leon even existed.

“ _…_ _Yeah,_ ” he finally agreed hesitantly.

“ _Well, I promise they_ _’_ _re not going to hurt you, so you need to take my word for it and let them help_ ,” the brunette said gently.

“ _I don_ _’_ _t know_ _…_ ”

“ _I promise_ ,” Leon insisted. Again, his Charge was quiet for longer than was necessary.

“ _Okay_ ,” Cloud agreed reluctantly. The brunette couldn’t help but smile a bit. “ _Are you going to stay with me_?” his Charge asked.

“ _I_ _…_ _sure_ ,” Leon said. He couldn’t tell if Cloud understood that he wasn’t actually in the room with him, but he didn’t want to bring attention to it just in case it caused a bigger problem.

“ _Okay_ ,” the blonde repeated.

“Auron. He’s okay for the moment. Hurry up with whatever you need to do,” Leon said.

“Right,” the older man agreed. The Carrier couldn’t see anything but the wall across from where Auron had set the tablet on the floor, but he could hear the other prisoner leave the room.

“ _I don_ _’_ _t_ _…_ _want to be here anymore, Leon_ _…_ ” Cloud drifted tiredly. The Carrier was unsure of how lucid his Charge was right then, but the blonde’s tone sounded genuinely remorseful. Whether or not Cloud was remorseful for the most recent reasons was debatable.

“ _I don_ _’_ _t blame you. But you need to put up with it, unfortunately_ ,” he said gently.

“ _I want to go home_.”

“ _Where is home_?” the brunette asked curiously, still trying to figure out where Cloud’s head was at.

“ _With you_ ,” the blonde murmured.

Leon was speechless. His breath stopped in his throat as he stared at the tablet in utter disbelief. Home wasn’t in Nibelheim. Home wasn’t the Carrier facility. Home was with Leon. Wherever his Carrier was, that was where Cloud belonged. The brunette didn’t know how to internalize such a monumentally meaningful statement. For a brief moment all of Cloud’s sins evaporated. He was aware that Cloud could just be spouting overly simplified answers in his delirium but he hoped, and hoped, and hoped, and _hoped_ that wasn’t the case. Because for the first time, his Charge acknowledged that his proper place was with him. With Leon. The Carrier didn’t know what to say.

He didn’t get the chance to figure it out, either. Auron returned with nurses in tow and Leon watched several pairs of feet cross into his view. Knees followed as one of them kneeled down next to Cloud. The Carrier assumed they were administering the sedative his Charge so desperately needed, but he wished they weren’t. He wanted to keep talking with the blonde, if only for a few more minutes. There were so many questions he suddenly wanted to ask but he wasn’t going to get the chance to. Not for a while, anyway.

He could hear Cloud start to resist the nurses for a second; he let out a tiny gasp as if he was a startled child. The nurse immediately shushed him comfortingly like a mother would. Leon could very easily imagine the woman petting his Charge’s hair or rubbing his back. He frowned a bit. Comforting Cloud when he was broken was something he was supposed to do; not some foreign woman that was being paid by the government to care. Regardless of his feelings, his Charge calmed down and went quiet. Leon figured that was good enough for the time being; he could live with the results even if the means irked him.

He could hear a soft _click_ as one of the nurses cut the zip ties keeping his Charge’s hands bound behind him. Leon could see Cloud’s fingers skirt the outside of the camera’s view as his arms gently swung back to where they were supposed to be. The lack of tension in the digits told him that his Charge was already unconscious and the concrete realization made him very upset. The fact that Cloud needed to be incapacitated in the first place bothered him - it spoke volumes of the problems plaguing his Charge - and there was nothing Leon could do about any of them. It was very disheartening.

“Thanks,” Auron said as he picked his tablet up off the floor. Behind him, the nurses were busy lifting Cloud onto a gurney so he could be wheeled into a proper medical room.

“No problem…” Leon drifted.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I guess.”

“Did he say anything I should be concerned about?”

“No. He wants to leave, though.”

“Understandable. I should probably get back to being incarcerated. I’m sorry I had to bother you.”

“No, don’t be. I’m glad you did. My Signet was driving me insane and I was starting to panic a little. It’s good to know that he’s getting some of the help he needs.”

“Happy to help. Have fun with Sunny,” Auron said.

“I’ll try,” Leon replied. The other man ended their call and the Carrier breathed in a heavy sigh, settling the tablet against his chest. He held it tightly, almost hugging it, and tried to sort through the onslaught of confusing emotions with little success.

“Are you alright?” Sunny asked gently, watching the Carrier carefully.

“I don’t know,” the brunette mumbled. He stared ahead of himself at his bedspread, his expression vacant. “It’s just… everyone seems to ignore the fact that Cloud’s just as much of a victim as I am in order to paint him as the villain and convince me to hate him. And I know I probably should hate him after everything he’s done to me, but I can’t. Every time I feel like I’m on the verge of actually blaming him and doing what everyone wants me to, he reminds me why I don’t.”

“A lot of abusers try to convince their victims that they’re not responsible for what they do. It’s a way of keeping control—“ Sunny attempted.

“No, it’s not like that,” Leon interrupted, casting a side-eyed annoyed glare at the woman. “He doesn’t try to justify the things he does. He just… reminds me why I can’t hate him just by being himself,” he explained. Sighing, he set the tablet aside and turned towards the woman. “When he was sixteen, it was almost as if Cloud developed a second personality to safeguard himself against the torment he went through in the military. He hasn’t been able to get rid of it. Before then, he was very sweet.”

“Alright,” Sunny said patiently.

“I very rarely see the Cloud that existed when he was younger. The only time I do is when he’s in so much mental and emotional pain that his mind tries to retreat back to when he was happier. Nobody but me has seen him like that so it’s impossible for people to see that he has the capacity to be better. He can still be the way he used to be; he just needs to stop hurting so much so it doesn’t have to be a defense mechanism. That’s why I want him to get help and see what happens.”

“I see.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I do. I just don’t know enough of the situation to have any commentary. What happened just now that made you remember not to hate him?”

“He… he was having an episode and he was thinking he was going to be sent back to basic training; where the majority of his problems stemmed from.”

“Is that why he was speaking in another language?”

“His native one, yeah. I had to convince him that he was safe and that he should trust me. And he did. He told me he wanted to come home, and I asked him where home was to see if he was lucid enough to really understand me. He said home was with me,” Leon explained. Repeating the statement out loud made it feel much more real to him. He could feel the backs of his eyes burning a bit as his heart sped up.

“Is that bad?” Sunny asked curiously, noting how the Carrier’s eyes were turning misty. Leon shook his head.

“No. No, it’s far from it. He’s… never really been nice to me. He’s always just tolerated me. So… the fact that he thinks his home is with me is really meaningful; especially when he says it in a state where he can’t even remember how to speak our language.”

“So, before you didn’t think he saw the facility as his home? Where else would it be?”

“No, he specifically said with me. Not the facility.”

“Oh.”

“You see what I mean? That’s huge to me.”

“Ah, I see. That _is_ meaningful. After he gets help, do you think he’ll become what you want him to be?”

“I have no idea. I don’t even know what I want him to be. I’m not naïve enough to think that he’ll be just as he was before the military, but it’d be nice if he was…civil. At least.”

“You don’t want more from him?”

“I don’t think he’d give me more than that. It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“What you want does matter, though.”

Leon frowned. “You’re sound like everyone else. You’re expecting me to force him to be my lover or—“

“No, I’m telling you: what you want matters. Regardless of what it is, your wants matter. And they matter because you have value, Leon. You assumed I was trying to dictate what you _should_ want and you immediately went to making Cloud your lover; not anything in between. Is that what you want from him? Is that what you think doesn’t matter?” Sunny asked calmly. Leon furrowed his brows, prepared to start arguing with her, but he couldn’t bring himself to start. She had made a very valid point. He hesitated, considering her words carefully.

“I can only ask for civility because if I try to ask for more than that, I’m asking him to become something he’s not. He isn’t homosexual and he’s told me on many occasions that people who are disgust him. The least I can ask of him is civility. The most is friendship. So no, it doesn’t matter if I want more than that because it isn’t going to happen,” the Carrier explained with little inflection in his voice. Sunny gave him a thoughtful look.

“Okay, well, what will it take to make sure you’re happy with this arrangement? If we’re going to work towards a productive and fulfilling life, happiness tends to play a big part in that. Do you have any hobbies?”

Leon shrugged and motioned to the growing table next to the bathroom door. “Just that, I guess; unless you count working as a hobby. I do that a lot.”

“Work is work. It’s not a hobby.”

“I… teach Cloud?”

“That’s also work.”

“Well, I’ve run out of things that I do, then. I’m not very interesting.”

“Have you _ever_ had a hobby? Like one that you can do for an extended period of time? Gardening is fine and all, but once the plants grow, there’s only so much you can do,” Sunny said.

“I guess…” Leon trailed. He shifted around and sat back against his pillows, pulling his blanket up and around himself like a cocoon. He took a moment to think. “I had a… friend. He tried to teach me how to play the piano. I guess that was a hobby at one point.”

“Do you have any desire to continue that?”

“Reno wants me to, kind of. I’m not sure that I do.”

“Why’s that?”

Leon hesitated again, hugging himself under his blankets. “Hurts too much. I had to leave him behind when it was time to bring Cloud back.”

“That’s understandable. He meant a lot to you?”

“…Yes.”

“Was he more than what you’re telling me?” Sunny asked curiously. She watched Leon’s face closely as the brunette cast another side-eyed glare in her direction.

“I would rather not talk about him, please.”

“Okay. But if I could find a way to help you develop your piano skills, would you do it? I think it’d be good for you.”

“I… don’t know. Maybe.”

“Well, I’ll look into it and we can see where it goes. I would like to help you find something that’ll fill the idle time between now and when Cloud comes back. And then maybe it’ll persist into the future beyond that.”

“…Okay,” Leon drifted.

“Try not to be apprehensive. We have a year and can take our time figuring it out. I’ll help you. Are you willing?”

“I suppose,” Leon agreed reluctantly.  

Sunny smiled. “I’m glad. We can try next time I’m here.”

There was a knock at the door. Sunny stood from her seat and pulled it open some and peeked out into the hallway. She made a light sound of surprise before she let the door open completely. It was Tifa. She stood in the hallway, her hands folded behind her back politely. Her eyes were apprehensive, but as Sunny moved out of her way, she shuffled her way into the room. Leon sighed. He could remember being promised apologies from the female Carrier, but he doubted the conversation would get much farther than that before she insulted him again. Regardless, Tifa made her way around to his side of the bed and sat in front of him, but a decent distance away.

“Hi Leon,” she said sheepishly.

“Come back to tell me you actually care if I kill myself? Will that make you feel better about yourself? Or is this Zack’s idea?” the brunette spat spitefully.

“No, it was my idea. I wanted to apologize.”

“Yeah, I gathered as much. It still took my entire personal life being prostrated at your feet for it to happen, though. I guess you got what you wanted. Happy?”

“No, actually, I’m not. I didn’t realize it was that bad—“

“Not that bad?! What the _fuck_ did you think I was trying to do? Gain sympathy by not saying anything? Did I make all this shit up in my head just so you could jump in and play Super Mom and try to save me from it?  I didn’t want to say anything because it fucking _hurts_ to think about, Tifa!”

“I know. It was stupid—“

“You’re damn right it was! I don’t think you understand how painful it is to think you have a tiny iota of support, only to turn around and realize that what you thought was there for years was just a figment of your imagination. And, to top it all off, part of that support just tells you to fucking kill yourself because you’re not playing by their rules,” Leon said. As much as he hated it, he could feel stinging warmth bubbling up from behind his eyes as his vision turned watery. Again.

Similarly, Tifa’s eyes were getting misty. “At the time I didn’t think that’s what I was telling you. I didn’t mean that…”

“What did you think you were telling me? You were tasked with making sure I didn’t hang myself and you took the only thing you could use to see it coming and fucking left it behind when you decided I wasn’t worth the headache. Well, I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass. All the bullshit in my head keeps me from shitting glitter and throwing confetti every day, so I can see where your burden comes from. It must be tough to have someone like me in your life.”

“Yeah. It _is_ tough to have someone like you in my life. Everyone else I spend time with is more than willing to talk about themselves and share their lives with me, even if it’s just telling me about their day. But… you don’t. You’re the only one that doesn’t. How am I supposed to interpret that? This lack of openness isn’t new for you, Leon. You’ve been this way since you rolled out of your gestational chamber and into bed with me and Zack. Since the beginning,” Tifa explained, wiping at her eyes as her tears quietly dripped free. She wasn’t hysterical, but the accompanying sorrow she felt was palpable.

“And, after almost thirty years of life, you can’t just accept that’s how I am? If it’s been that way since the beginning, and it’s the same now, why would it suddenly change because you will it to?”

“I just… hoped something would’ve been different after you found Cloud.”

“Oh, something’s different, all right,” Leon seethed. He used the hem of his blanket to dry his eyes.

“No, I mean like you would’ve been more open after you adjusted back to life with us. I thought it was a phase.”

“Phases are for teenagers, Tifa. I’ve only ever been an adult. That reasoning is absolutely stupid.”

“I know, which is why I’m apologizing. I made a mistake.”

“Yeah you did.”

“…Can you forgive me?”

“I’m not convinced you’re going to try and understand anything. I feel like forgiveness is too generous because we’ll be having this discussion again in three months. We’ve already done this a few too many times for me to be comfortable with it. Also, had you come back here to apologize the next day, you would’ve come across as more sincere. But you waited until you got what you wanted.”

“It’s not like that.”

“It’s not? The evidence says otherwise.”

“I promise it isn’t.”

“Yeah? Please explain.”

“It was selfish, but I thought you’d come to me first. I didn’t realize how much damage I had done and I didn’t want to be the one to lose face this time. I’m sorry.”

“Tifa, I left an entire relationship because she tried to make it all about her. Even after I came back after making contact with Cloud, all of the additional baggage I was dragging around was about her. I don’t play well with those sorts of attitudes; you can’t disregard people’s problems in favor of making yourself feel better. Especially not when the wounds are fresh.”

“You had a girlfriend?” Tifa asked curiously, her eyebrows rising.

“Yes. She was a catty bitch, if I may make a pun,” Leon said grumpily.

“I didn’t know that.”

“I don’t talk about her because she’s easily forgettable.”

“I see.”

“I would appreciate it if you stop acting like her.”

“I will try.”

“Good. I’ll let you know when I forgive you.”

“When? Not if?”

“Given how long we live, it’s highly unlikely I won’t get over it eventually.”

“Ah, very true. Well… that’s fair,” Tifa said. She glanced at Sunny briefly before turning her attention back to Leon. “I guess I’ll leave you guys to it, then. I don’t have much more to say. Thanks for listening,” she added.

Tifa hesitated briefly, and Leon could tell she wanted to hug him or receive some semblance of reconciliation, but he didn’t try to indulge her. He wasn’t ready for that just yet, and he was content to let her be upset for a while. Maybe then she’d stay out of his business and give him some peace. After a moment, Tifa left and Sunny and Leon were by themselves again.

 

\-----------------------

 

Everything was heavy. Cloud felt like every fiber of his self was being pulled downwards, trapping him in place. He was awake, that much was certain, but he felt like he was on the verge of death. It didn’t feel like he had the physical or mental fortitude to wake up properly to become a fully functioning human being again. He tried to take a deep breath and found it to be somewhat difficult. He also couldn’t remember where he was or what he had been doing, and it was unsettling.

“Hey kid,” Auron said abruptly, startling him. The older man had noticed the blonde beginning to stir and watched him closely. Cloud’s eyes slowly peeled open and he spent the next few minutes staring up at the sterile ceiling hazily.

“Hm?” the blonde grunted, blearily looking around and trying to assess his environment. He was in a very empty hospital room. Besides him and his bed, Auron and his chair, a couple of monitors, and a toilet and sink behind a curtain, there was nothing. It was a far cry from the previous hospital he had been in when he first came to his new home, but it served its purpose well enough, he supposed.

“How’re you feeling?”

Cloud sucked in a deep breath despite his lungs resisting. “Like I should be dead,” he grumbled.

“Understandable. They knocked your ass out for almost two days.”

“What?”

“You finally went off the deep end and had to be sedated.”

“Did I?” the blonde muttered, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

“Yeah. Threw a huge fit and punched a couple of nurses and screamed at everyone as they took you away. All they wanted to do was help you get to sleep.”

“…I don’t remember.”

“It was really something. We had to call your Carrier to figure out how to deal with you.”

“Leon was here?” Cloud blurted in surprise, giving the other man wide eyes filled with anxious anticipation.

“No. Just a phone call.”

“Oh…” the blonde deflated, going back to looking like he was going to die.

“You sound disappointed.”

“No, I just… wanted to talk to him,” Cloud murmured. He slowly shifted and turned onto his side, stretching his arms out in front of him and flexing the tension out of every muscle he could manage.

“I see. Well, if you’re good, the warden might let you call him. As it stands, you probably won’t be able to for a while.”

“Why?”

“Because you went apeshit and punched people.”

“Oh right. You said that. Who did I punch?”

“One of the male nurses and one of the female ones.”

Cloud’s eyes went wide again as abject horror passed through his features. “I punched a woman?”

“Yeah, but you don’t have to worry about it. Susan is a tough old girl. She’s fine.”

“It’s still not right to hit a woman, though.”

“Well, Susan is about as big as a house and can probably beat the shit out of both of us with one arm tied behind her back so I’m pretty sure she won’t let this get to her. She works in a prison, kid. She’s not going to be some delicate waif you can easily break.”

“Still…”  
“I understand what you’re saying, and if you feel that bad you can apologize. However, the correct answer to this problem is that it’s wrong to hit _anyone_. Not just women.”

“…Right. Yeah,” Cloud sighed, agreeing reluctantly. He knew he needed to make a conscious effort to control his outbursts, but he couldn’t stop his immediate gut reactions just yet. Regardless of his feelings on certain subjects, he didn’t want to repeat his last mistakes and thus had a lot of learning to do.

“So anyway, welcome back to the land of the living,” Auron said.

“Thanks, I guess. Why are you here? I would think they would’ve kept you in your cell, or working, or whatever.”

“The warden told me to be here.”

“Oh. Just because?”

Auron shrugged. “I’m the only other Charge here other than you so I’m sure she assumed we have some commonality that’s comforting to you. Everyone’s on edge waiting for you to come back to the common areas. They all think you’re going to go insane and stab someone in the throat with a fork. I guess I’m supposed to mitigate that or something by being your best buddy and hold your hand until you decide to behave yourself.”

“I see…” the blonde trailed with a bit of a sigh. He was really bad at making friends. They all ended up thinking he was going to kill them in some manner or another.

“I don’t really blame you for this one, though. Sleep deprivation can really fuck with people. But that doesn’t mean everyone else doesn’t blame you.”

“Great,” the blonde grumped, rubbing his face. He yawned and pulled his blanket up to his eyes, his mind still trudging through the heavy muck that the sedatives had left in his psyche. It was difficult to focus, and he was tempted to try and sleep some more to avoid having to try. But, Auron said he had been out for two days already. It didn’t feel right to sleep for longer than that. He blearily watched the other man as Auron sat quietly and read something on his tablet and was comfortably ignoring him for the moment. Eventually, the older Charge glanced at him.

“You’re allowed to sleep more if you can. You look like you could.”

“I feel like I could.”

“Then go ahead.”

“And you’re just going to sit here?”

“Yeah. It beats folding a bunch of foreign underpants.”

“I guess…”

“Does it bother you? I can leave.”

“No, I’m just wondering why you care.”

Auron shrugged. “I like studying people and understanding them. You’re the most interesting one here at the moment.”

“Oh. That’s weird.”

“Eh, not really. I used to do it all the time in my last life.”

“Last life? Like before you came here?”

“Before I met my Carrier, yes.”

Cloud raised a brow. “What did you do, exactly?”

Auron pursed his lips for a moment and considered how much he wanted to say. “I started as mercenary that was hired to follow a holy man on his pilgrimage through our lands. I was with him so long that I was eventually considered a monk under his following, and my task became less about protecting him and more about following his example. I still kept him safe, but such little harm threatened him that my purpose was sort of inconsequential. So I started helping him. He made a point to help as many people as he could along his travels and a lot of the time that meant just sitting and talking with people who needed it.

“We weren’t exactly equipped to assist people financially or give them a lifetime supply of food if they were starving, but giving basic medical help, consoling them, and telling them where they could go to get the help they really needed, was sometimes all it took to make people happy. I liked the listening part. I didn’t care – and still don’t – how tragic or demented the stories were, I still found every person fascinating. I eventually met and talked to so many that I was able to apply what I learned to the newer people I came across and I started to help just as much as Braska did. When I came over here, I was told what I did was similar to what psychologists do. So that’s what my Charge profile says I was even though I was really far from it.”

“I… don’t actually know what a psychologist is.”

“Well, I’ve never been formally trained as one so I don’t actually know the full extent of what their job descriptions are but I always considered them to be professional listeners; an impartial ear to hear people’s problems and help them cope with stuff. Or so I’ve been told.”

“Oh. So that’s why you hang around me? Because I have problems for you to listen to?”

“No, I approached you because you’re a Charge just like I was. I believe I’ve told you that already. It just so happens that you’ve got problems pouring out of your ears, so I’ve stuck around to make sure you’re okay.”

“Why? Just because?”

“Just because.”

Cloud furrowed his brows together. “That’s weird.”

“Caring about people isn’t weird.”

“No, but caring about strangers is.”

“It’s attitudes like that that perpetuate the problems this world has. The economic situation this dome is in is the way it is because people don’t care about the others around them. I read a lot. I know what’s going on here even without actually seeing it. The people here are so beat to shit because of the government’s neglect that it’s slowly devolved into a dog-eat-dog society. Either you help yourself, or you get tossed aside. That’s wrong. It shouldn’t be that way. People should be able to live the way they want to and get help when they need it.”

“Wouldn’t that make people lazy, though? If they can just do whatever they want, be irresponsible, and get help because they weren’t doing the right things?”

“Some might take advantage of a system like that, but I’m not cynical enough to believe everyone will. I like to think that my fellow humans like the feeling of accomplishment and, given the right opportunities, would rather make their home a better place as opposed to becoming a leech. But, you need to give people the right opportunities first in order to get the ball rolling.”

“I guess…” Cloud trailed.

“It’s hard to have faith in other people when you don’t have faith in yourself. I understand your skepticism,” Auron said, giving the blonde a knowing look.

“I… hm,” the younger Charge said, thinking on the other’s words carefully.

“Anyways, that’s part of my story. I’m an old fart; there’s way more to it than that, but you know some of it. If you want to talk about stupid shit or yell at me, I’m here. If you want to ignore me, I can just sit here and read. Either way, if you need me, I’m an ear that’ll listen.”

“Okay…” the blonde trailed hesitantly. He found it incredibly strange that Auron was willing to just stand around and listen to people talk about nothing, but he didn’t doubt the other Charge’s sincerity. Auron had already listened to him on several occasions and Cloud was aware of how he didn’t feel slighted by their discussions. He was slowly beginning to understand the value of talking to other people openly and realizing just how huge his issues really were; five days of no sleep and a breakdown was very compelling evidence that gave merit to Auron’s offer. He made a point to keep it in mind, especially since the inevitability of seeing what Reno had put on his tablet loomed in the near distance.


	87. Chapter 87

Chapter 87

Reno leaned into the expanse of flowers that sprawled all over Leon’s growing table. He smelled them and furrowed his brows together. Being an herbivore, the redhead was very familiar with the many plants the world had to offer him. However, Leon’s flowers weren’t like any he had ever seen before; even their smell was unfamiliar. He touched the petals with his fingertips and noted their oiliness, which only confused him more. After a while of deep thinking, Reno’s curiosity got the better of him. Glancing at Leon quickly, he made sure his friend wasn’t looking as he gently picked one of the flowers from its home. He then abruptly shoved it in his mouth.

“Did you seriously just eat one of my flowers?” Leon asked, sending an annoyed glare in the redhead’s direction. Reno startled and suddenly stood as straight as a board, giving the brunette wide surprised eyes.

“Mehbe,” the curious bovine Carrier said, mumbling around his mouthful of foliage.

“That’s a really bad idea, you know. I have no idea if those flowers are poisonous or not. They’re from Plane 087,” the brunette explained. Reno raised a brow, chewed, and swallowed the plant.

“Well, if I die, you’ll know the answer at least. It tastes okay, though. Sort of sweet.”

“You’re an idiot,” Leon sighed, burying himself under his blankets again. Reno shrugged.

“I’m used to grazing. And I’m not even trying to be punny. I seriously always have something to eat at home.”

“There’s grass outside.”

“That’s fine, but it’s not the same as a big thing of carrots and spinach.”

“And your cafeteria just… has them all the time?”

“Yeah. We don’t have designated meal times like you guys do. It’s just a buffet of vegetables all day every day and everyone just grabs whatever they want whenever they want. We have to. We don’t normally have four stomach compartments to yank all the nutrients out of everything like our kids do. We have most of the enzymes they do, but they’re not the most effective.”

“So you have to constantly shovel food in your face to get the nutrients you need?”

“More or less, yes.”

“So inefficient. This is why you’re the bottom of the food chain; your anatomy is sub par.”

“Hey, someone’s got to be the guy to hold everyone else up. If all of you assholes died off, we’d be fine. It doesn’t work the other way around.”

“You’d be fine until your gluttony rips the land clean of foliage, you mean.”

“Meh. Plants are a renewable resource. It’s fine,” Reno said. He made his way over to the bed and helped himself to the available space next to Leon. Invading the other’s personal space, he wrapped his arms around the brunette’s middle and hugged him tightly. Leon let out a loud audible gasp as pain shot through his abdomen. Reno immediately let him go.

“Fuck!” the brunette spat, curling into a ball.

“I’m sorry! I forgot,” the redhead said quickly, sitting up. He quickly realized there was more to that story and he decided to forgo telling it. He had forgotten the bruises because he was starting to get used to seeing them on Leon’s face. The insight was absolutely horrifying to him and the guilt and pity that followed was immeasurable. So he kept it to himself. He nudged the blankets aside and started lifting the side of Leon’s shirt to see his blemishes.

“Stop! Stop,” Leon said, fidgeting away from his friend. Reno pulled back and folded his hands in his lap.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry. I just wanted to see where they were so I knew where not to touch.”

“Touching isn’t the problem, it’s the crushing,” Leon groaned. He slowly pushed himself up until he was sitting normally. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I should’ve remembered; my desire to violently love you overrode my better judgment.”

“It’s fine. I’m okay.”

“Good. I missed you last night. How were Joshua and Neku? Did they cuddle you properly in my stead?”

“No. They didn’t. I didn’t want them to. We didn’t do much. Just watched a couple of movies and went to sleep.”

“That’s it? That’s boring,” Reno dismissed.

Leon shrugged. “Boring is okay. How was Rude? Was he as needy as you thought he would be?”

“No, surprisingly. Though, I’m not sure why I’m surprised. He doesn’t react to stuff like I do usually. Being deprived of my presence seems to not really bother him. Dunno how I feel about that.”

“Well, he knows you’re coming back to him. He’s just patient.”

“I guess. He has been hanging around Zack and Tifa all day, though. I’m sure they’re keeping him satisfied,” Reno said thoughtfully. Leon raised a brow at him.

“Yeah? You don’t mind sharing him?” he asked.

Reno shrugged and shook his head. “Nah. Especially not with Zack and Tifa; they’re too absorbed in each other to see Rude as anything else other than someone fun to play with temporarily. I trust him to come back to me. He’s too loyal for his own good.”

“Ah. I see. I’m not sure I’d be so generous in the same situation. It’s a hard scenario to imagine,” Leon murmured. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them lightly, resting his cheek against them. His demeanor was very subdued and melancholy. Reno raised a brow at him.

“Are you okay?”

“Peachy,” Leon grumbled, sending the redhead a sidelong glare. The question was almost insulting given the events of the past week. Reno frowned.

“I mean like… you seem down. So far, I’ve seen you be angry, hysterical, sort of like you were going to leap off a building, and… and just everything else. But not… like this. Gloomy.”

“I’ve reached the point where I don’t have the energy for extremes and just want the rollercoaster to end. I’m really tired, but I can’t sleep anymore.”

“Yeah? What can I do for you?”

“Nothing that I can think of. I don’t know what I want from anyone anymore,” Leon said, letting out a deep sigh. “The more I try to think about getting better, the more my brain starts to avoid it and lose focus, and then I end up thinking about nothing.”

“Well, if you just want to lie here together, we can. If you fall asleep, then you fall asleep. Big deal. If you end up thinking up a step forward, I’ll be here to help you. Does that sound okay?”

“I guess,” the brunette said with a tiny shrug. He took that as a sign to scoot back under the covers again. Reno followed his lead and lay next to him. Leon immediately helped himself to his friend’s personal space and clung to his torso, burying his face in the other’s collar bones and hugging him tightly. The redhead hugged him back readily.

“How was Sunny? Was she helpful?” Reno asked.

Leon nodded. “She let me talk to Cloud.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Well, that’s not entirely true actually. Auron called because he needed help handling him and I more or less took Sunny’s tablet from her. But it was helpful because if she hadn’t been there it wouldn’t have happened. She tried to stop me, though.”

“I would’ve too.”

“Yeah, well, I’m glad I was able to talk to him.”

“What was he doing that Auron needed to call Sunny?”

“Cloud was having an episode.”

“I don’t understand what that means.”

“Have I not explained that to you?” Leon asked confusedly.

“Maybe? Hell if I cared to remember.”

“I know I did. It was more or less the same thing that happened when he met Xemnas for the first time and had a sort of… panic attack? Psychotic break? I don’t know what terms would be appropriate.”

“Oh, the thing where he cried for his mom? I thought that was an isolated instance because he’s actually a mentally weak man-child and hasn’t had a reason to do it again,” Reno said snidely.

“Stop it,” Leon growled, pulling away from the redhead abruptly. He furrowed his brows together and gave his friend a glare. Reno didn’t seem very happy with him either and gave him an equally acidic look in return. “The fuck is wrong with you? My Charge has a breakdown and you take pot shots at him when he isn’t here to defend himself?”

“Sorry if I’m upset that you didn’t listen to a word I said before I left yesterday. You can’t focus on him, Leon. You _have_ to focus on yourself for now. If you don’t, nothing will improve. I’m actually pissed Auron even called in the first place.”

“Yeah, well, crawl into Rude’s head and smash his psyche into pieces and call me when you decide you need to try and fix it so I can stop you. Then you can know what it feels like to want to help someone you care about with the entire world trying to prevent you from doing so.”

Reno briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath, obviously trying to keep a level head. “It still blows my mind that you can say you still care about him with such honesty. It’s really hard for me to comprehend despite my trying to.”

“He’s my Charge, Reno. How can I not care when he’s hurting?”

“Because he’s a rapist and a murderer. Your rapist. Almost your murderer,” Reno said, and the regret that followed was instantaneous. Leon’s expression immediately turned from somewhat angry annoyance to dismal rage.

“Get out,” the brunette said, his tone flat and icy. He started pushing away from the redhead but Reno caught his wrists and tried to pull him back.

“No! No. I’m sorry. I didn’t actually mean to say that,” the bovine Carrier tried to correct, the panic in his voice evident. Leon tugged his hands away from him and sat up. He moved as far away as he could while staying seated and hugged himself.

“Get out,” he repeated.

“I’m sorry! Don’t push me out. It just slipped. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again,” the redhead blurted, sitting up as well. He scooted towards the brunette and tried to pull him back again. Leon stood from the bed and went to lean against the wall to keep his distance. Reno followed after him again.

“Get out, Reno,” the brunette said, his tone turning dark. He could feel his resolve starting to slip away as enraged tears started to fill his eyes. He was so tired of crying and making a fool of himself; he just wanted some peace. Reno stepped to him and tried to pull him into a hug.

“I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry,” the redhead attempted. However, as he got close and touched Leon’s shoulder, the brunette snapped and immediately smacked his hand away with painful force. Startled, Reno didn’t have a chance to react as his friend turned and shoved him away with unnatural strength. The redhead staggered backwards and partially landed on the bed, but mostly on the floor. The wind had been knocked from his lungs and it took a moment before he could comprehend what had happened.

“Get. Out,” Leon spat at him, the tears dripping free from his eyes and streaking down his cheeks.

“No,” Reno said, shaking his head. “I’m not going to leave you alone like this. You can beat me up if it’ll make you feel better; I deserve it. But…” he trailed, pulling himself up onto the bed with shaky arms.”I’m not going to leave and give you the opportunity to lose control on yourself.”

Leon’s bravado was extremely brittle. It broke easily from the redhead’s words and he could feel the sudden rush of fuming adrenaline vacate his person quickly, leaving a tired and empty husk behind where his sensibilities were supposed to be. He wanted to crawl into his box and hide for an eternity so he didn’t have to deal with anything anymore. The safe-feeling square was only a few feet away from him but it suddenly felt like a monumental effort to take the two steps needed to get to it. Drained, he gave up and slowly flopped to the floor. Staring at his carpeting blankly with his arms limp at his sides, he didn’t even have the energy to sob or wipe his face dry. He was quiet for a long time as Reno watched him carefully for a response.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” the brunette asked finally after a very long and awkward silence.

“No,” the redhead answered.

“I think you do. You seem to have forgotten that I was there for everything Cloud did to me and you believe that I somehow magically forgot about it. If only I could; I would have a much happier life.”

“Leon…”

“Don’t. I know you’re sorry. I get it. You’ve only said what everyone is thinking. It’s not untrue. I know what he is,” Leon said. He slowly tilted to the side and lay down on the floor, his eyes unfocused and unfeeling as he stared ahead of himself at the space under his bed.

“I still shouldn’t have said it. It was a weak moment. I was angry. I’m so sorry,” Reno said. He let out a long sigh and slid off the bed to lie on the floor in front of Leon’s line of sight. Even though his friend was technically looking at him, the emptiness in his expression told him that Leon wasn’t actually seeing him. It broke his heart to see how easily he could damage the brunette; he didn’t know what to do to fix it.

There was another long pause before the dilapidated gears in Leon’s head started to turn and let him speak again. “It doesn’t matter,” he said.

“What doesn’t?” Reno asked, his brows furrowing together worriedly.

“What Cloud is. He’s still my Charge. That’s all that matters.”

“I… I guess,” the redhead reluctantly agreed. “You’re sure? Nothing else matters?”

“Nope,” Leon concluded. He slowly pushed himself up enough to pull himself towards his box. His arms felt like they were made of lead as he tried to climb over the side. Reno raised a brow at him.

“But you matter. What you feel matters,” the redhead said. He sat up as well and watched Leon struggle with the effort it took to move himself. He wanted to help lift the brunette to where he wanted to be, but he was afraid Leon would lash out at him again, so he stayed put. Eventually his friend flopped into the box and lay still.

“Not really. What I feel won’t change anything. It won’t reverse time. It won’t fix any problems. It won’t change anyone. So why fight it? It’s fine like this. I can still get my work done. I can’t if Cloud isn’t my Charge anymore. That’s all that matters,” the brunette murmured.

Reno wanted to argue with him but he held back. He knew it would turn into another cyclical argument that would eventually end with Leon getting angry at him. Scooting over to the box, he peered over the side and frowned. Leon had haphazardly deposited himself amongst the pillows and blankets in a position that looked extremely uncomfortable. Instead of fixing himself, though, the brunette had opted to forgo the effort and stayed with his arms twisted under himself and his legs caught in the fabric.  He was still staring ahead of himself blankly at nothing in particular, but this time half his face was obstructed by an errant corner of a pillowcase. The redhead slowly reached into the space to comb his fingers through the other’s hair. Leon pulled away from him ever so slightly.

“I want to sleep,” the brunette said flatly.

“But you just woke up an hour ago. You’re not hungry? What about a shower?”

“I just want to sleep,” Leon repeated. Sluggishly, he turned over, pulling a random blanket with him. He managed to cover one of his legs and part of his side before giving up and settling in as he was. Reno frowned again and let out a sigh.

“Okay,” he relented, moving away to take roost in Leon’s bed again.

\--------

“Is this really necessary?” Cloud asked, watching Auron drop his tablet on the other bed across from him. Once he was deemed somewhat normal again, he had been relocated to another block in the prison. It was more isolated from the rest of the populace and the people that were kept there were distanced from everyone for good reason. It was the block for unstable characters. The people that stayed there were a hair’s breadth away from being transferred out to more heavily armed facilities. There was less work to do, less time mingling with others, and more focus on rehabilitation and behavior management. Cloud wasn’t sure how he felt about the change, but he was sure that he didn’t like the fact that Auron was suddenly moving into his space.

“Warden’s orders. I’m as baffled as you are,” Auron said. It was a lie. He had requested that he be kept with Cloud to keep an eye on him. “She’s actually a very intimidating woman. Have you met her?”

“If I did, I don’t really remember. The last few days are kind of fuzzy.”

“Ah, well, it’s debatable whether or not you would like her but I think she’s very fair. Just… terrifying. There’s just something about a big pair of heels, tiny glasses, and every hair being glued into place that gives me the impression she could implode my testicles if she thought about it hard enough.”

“Yeah? Weird,” Cloud said. The idea of a truly scary woman seemed almost comical to him, but he kept the idea to himself. He knew it wasn’t impossible – Quistis had been fairly terrifying; or rather, her abilities had been – but the examples were so few and far between that they seemed like a myth.

Auron took a seat on the available bed and ran a hand through his hair. “So? How’re you feeling? Haven’t seen you for a day.”

“I’m fine I guess,” he said. The blonde glanced at the other man’s tablet and then to his own. He was still avoiding the inevitable. Now that Auron was with him, though, he felt conflicted. He felt safer knowing someone was with him, but he didn’t know what he was going to see so the possibility for embarrassing himself in some fashion was absurdly high.

“You guess? You seem uncertain. What’s up?”

“I just… don’t really like sharing my space,” Cloud said. It was a partial lie. He wasn’t happy with their sudden living conditions, but he was much more concerned by his tablet.

“Ah, I see. Well, at least we have a toilet with a door here. A little more space, too. I don’t snore, so I won’t keep you up if you manage to sleep. It’s not much, but it’s what I can offer.”

“Yeah…” Cloud trailed, still not convinced. He pulled his legs up onto his bed with him and folded them. His focus was divided, with most of it dwelling on his tablet. Auron watched him carefully for a moment.

“I don’t feel like that’s the whole story. What aren’t you telling me?” the older man asked.

Cloud sighed. “I don’t know.”

“That’s a nonanswer, kid. You’ve got to be more specific.”

“I really don’t know,” the blonde insisted. He picked up his tablet and stared at it. “Remember my Carrier’s angry friend?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“He… apparently put some stuff on my tablet that Leon doesn’t want me to see. Given everything that he told me, I can only assume it’s… really bad. I just can’t even guess what it would be. I’m afraid to look but I guess the Technicians want me to keep up with my schoolwork while I’m here and that means I have to use this thing. So… I really don’t know what I’m not telling you,” Cloud explained hesitantly.

“I see. Can I do something to help you? Did you want me to look for you first?” Auron asked.

Cloud shook his head and hugged the flat device to his chest. “No. This is what I wanted.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I told you before that I’m missing some years memory-wise. I want to know what those memories are. Leon told me that I didn’t and I would be happier not knowing, but I still want to know. I need to know.”

“Even if it’s really bad?”

“Yeah. Even if it’s really bad. But that doesn’t change the fact that it scares me shitless.”

“Understandable,” Auron said. He scooted onto his bed until his back met the wall. Slouching, he folded his hands on his stomach and settled in. “When did you want to look?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t even know if I have to dig to find it. I assume it’ll be the first thing I see when I turn it on.”

“That seems very likely. There’s no time like the present, though. And with a reduced work schedule over here, you’re going to need stuff to do. That tablet is probably the easiest way of finding entertainment. I would just do it and get it over with. Go sit in the bathroom if you want privacy for it.”

“You make it sound so easy.”

“Do you want to find out or not?”

“Yes…”

“Then go look.”

“But…”

“Look kid. Nothing is going to change by waiting. You tell me you want to know everything about yourself but then you don’t. I don’t want to spend the next year locked in a box with you while you pull this angsty teenager bullshit so you better make a decision,” Auron instructed. He had a fairly good idea of what Cloud was going to see. Reno had expressed how everything that transpired between the pair had been recorded, but he left out the part where he planted the evidence on Cloud’s tablet for the blonde to find. That was new. However, he couldn’t let Cloud know that he knew anything and decided to pull the ‘I’m the cranky old man and you’re the annoying whippersnapper’ card.

“I…  guess… you’re right,” Cloud said hesitantly. He was frozen in place for what felt like an eternity as his palms started to sweat with prickling anxiety. His heart was pounding against his ribcage as he stood, and though it felt sort of strange to hide in a teeny tiny room with a toilet, he shuffled off to hide behind the door anyway. Auron watched him carefully and sat patiently, waiting for the emotional chaos to start.

The narrow closet the toilet was hidden in was extremely cramped. Cloud had never been bothered by small spaces before but after only a few seconds of sitting and doing nothing, he felt like the walls were closing in. It was an uncomfortable feeling which didn’t make facing his sins any easier. Regardless, he sat quietly for several minutes trying to muster the courage to follow through on his mission. He had already tried to kill Leon, how bad could it be? Had he tried it before? Would he even see anything new? He figured probably not, but it was still so terrifying and he desperately wished he knew why.

With shaking fingers, he plugged in the earpiece he had been given and settled it on his ear. Clicking on the tablet, he was presented with a sideways view of a long hallway that was very familiar. The video started playing without him doing anything and he watched the view shift to a normal horizontal plane as the camera bug’s lens turned. He could see himself stomping down the hall of the desert prison in the near distance, passing by a dozen doors that flanked him on either side. He then stopped, turned, and kicked in one of the doors with unnatural force. The resulting _bang_ that sounded out as it met with the wall was deafening and Cloud visibly winced. Enraged shouting followed thereafter.

The camera caught up to him just in time to see himself backhand a very sickly looking Leon across the face before grabbing the front of his shirt. Obviously disoriented, Leon didn’t fight back even as his Charge grabbed his throat and yanked him to his feet. The choking gasp the Carrier emitted was eerily familiar and Cloud could feel a lump of ice forming in his gut. But, just as quickly as it started, everything stopped and he watched himself back away and stare at Leon with a sort of demented fascination.

Cloud had a hard time recognizing himself. He hadn’t realized how different he looked just a handful of years ago. Between the track marks running through his forearms and elbows, the perpetual fuming crease in his brow, and the faint glow in his eyes, it was like looking at a mask of someone else entirely. But he knew it was him. Despite the differences, he couldn’t separate what he was seeing from his current self. Once he understood that, his anxiety of what he was going to see increased tenfold. He could barely understand the spiteful words he was hurling at his Carrier, but his jittery mind managed to pick out talk of women and Leon looking like one.

“ No way…” Cloud said to himself as he watched his past self accost Leon again and start tearing at the Carrier’s clothing. “No… no, don’t,” he whimpered quietly to himself as he watched the barely recognizable mask pin the brunette against the nearest wall and take what he wanted.

Cloud had never heard another person scream quite like Leon did just then. The pitiful noise sounded as if the Carrier’s head had been split open and every piece of dignity, pride, and humanity was being pulled from his mind only to be tossed aside as if it were meaningless. It stopped the air in Cloud’s lungs. For a moment, he couldn’t quite comprehend the scene in its entirety even if he had been able to a few seconds ago. His brain was overclocked and trying its hardest to shield him from the gravity of the situation. But it couldn’t handle the flood of agonizing horror that made its way in, and it wasn’t long before the screen turned blurry because a torrent of tears had burst from his eyes.

He was eventually able to squeeze his eyes shut and look away, but the putrid symphony of suffering and animalistic drive still echoed through the earpiece. Leon’s voice quieted to a pathetic snivel as the minutes ticked by. It felt like each second crawled on for decades and each one was punctuated by a hard wet slap, a grunt, and a soft dismal cry. His skin crawled when he heard the activity stop and his past self let out a long, relieved, and shaking breath.

Afterward, he had expected to hear Leon falling to pieces. But nothing like that happened. Fabric was shuffled around, zippers were pulled back into their proper places, and the door opened and shut again. Nothing was said. No snarky remarks, no acknowledgement, no crying. Once the door clicked closed, Cloud slowly forced himself to open his eyes again and watch. Leon didn’t do much and wasn’t showing any obvious signs of upset even though there was no way he couldn’t be. The brunette gently scooted himself into the nearest corner and hugged his knees to his chest. He pulled his t-shirt over them and simply sat and stared at nothing. Cloud didn’t know what to think. Reno was quick to arrive.

_"Leon?" Reno asked._

_"Well...I guess we're having sex. Isn't that what you wanted?" Leon asked meekly._

_"Why would you say that to me? This wasn't something I wanted to have happen."_

_"Sorry. Bad joke."_

_"How can you joke about this?"_

_"Because if I wasn't joking, I'd be in p—"_ Leon attempted but his words got caught in his throat. He cleared it. _"Pieces."_

_"We need to get out of here."_

_"Not without Cloud."_

_"Leon it's not worth—"_

_"Fuck off. Don't fucking tell me it isn't worth it,"_ Leon said angrily.

_"Do you really think you can live with him after all of this?"_

_"I'll get over it. It doesn't matter what happens to me so long as I can have a family to go home to. If I leave, I won't have that. I won't have anything. Cloud is my family. I can't…"_ the brunette hesitated. _"I can't wait another twenty years for someone else. I need Cloud."_

“Oh, fuck off, you stupid bastard. Don’t do this to me,” the blonde spat spitefully at the screen. He could barely breathe as his body forced out an abrupt sob. The sudden gush of anguish felt like it was going to burst from his chest as he fought to keep control of himself. The noise he was making was not only humiliating, but it echoed in his tiny cubicle and he couldn’t hear what else was happening on the tablet.

The footage changed from the aftermath to a top down three quarter view of Leon’s cell. His past self was on the floor looking like he was about to take a nap and Leon was in his bed. They were talking, albeit somewhat angrily, but Cloud was trying to figure out if what he was seeing was before or after the abuse. He forced his mouth shut and tried to keep his voice quiet so he could listen, and he was mildly successful, but every few seconds he hiccupped back another sob that threatened to escape. Every time it happened, it felt like he had an enormous gaping hole in his chest and his ribcage was threatening to collapse into itself.

 _"And what the fuck do you know about what I've done?"_ Cloud asked angrily.

_"I know a lot about you; the things you've done, the people you've killed, the women you've raped."_

_"I didn't rape anyone,"_ the blonde said.

And just like that, things changed. His past self didn’t see it but his present self most certainly did. Leon’s demeanor shifted immediately after Cloud’s denial and that’s when the blonde knew this was after their time together. His Carrier’s features went from tense and calculated, to stony and unfeeling, and he started to gnash his teeth together between sentences. It was very subtle, but Cloud could still see it. Leon was _very_ angry.

What followed after tore apart everything Cloud believed to be real. His past self was shown what he had done to Aerith, and that by itself was upsetting, but the realization that came after hit him like a ton of bricks. The footage was cut off after his past self had started breaking apart, and the silence it left behind made his ears ring. He stared at the blank screen in his hands as tears dripped off the end of his nose and pattered against its surface. His teeth were painfully clenched together as he struggled with the extreme surge of grief that rushed through his veins. Air was stuck in his throat, and after holding it for a while behind his misery, it eventually escaped as a loud gasp followed by a wailing sob.

For so many years, he had lived with the peace of mind knowing that the way he treated Leon was justified. Just as much as his Carrier saved him, he also made him suffer. In more recent years, he had grown tired of the effort it took to remain actively hostile, but the hate and resentment never really went way. Every profanity and every hit was well deserved, he had believed. Every time he had reduced Leon to a cowering heap at his feet was warranted. He could remember most of everything he did, and in that moment, he desperately wished he couldn’t.

Everything he believed was a lie. The only reason Leon ever showed him anything he had done in his past was because Cloud had raped him first. Which, given the context, was the least Leon could’ve done. With the patience and self control of a saint, his Carrier hadn’t reacted by beating the shit out of him or bringing Cloud down to his level. Even right after Cloud had left his mark, Leon didn’t hold it against him. His Carrier still considered the blonde a part of his family. Cloud was worth the suffering if it meant they could leave together and get the job done. And they did. And Cloud repaid his Carrier by treating him like he was worth less than a dead bug.

The gargantuan amount of guilt that crashed down on his shoulders made it difficult for Cloud to breathe. He had been an absolute monster to Leon since before the beginning and he no longer had Mako or his self righteous justification to hide his behavior behind. Coming to terms with that reality was soul crushing. So much so that he slid off the toilet seat and fell into a heap on the floor. He couldn’t afford the energy it took stay upright as every fiber of his being was being repeatedly beaten with overwhelming shame. Hugging the tablet to his chest with his forehead pressed against the tiles, all he could do was cry; he didn’t know what else to do.

After several minutes of not-so-quiet suffering, Auron knocked on the door. “Kid? I know you’re upset but you should come out and talk,” he said. He pulled the door open and took in Cloud’s crumpled frame with a bit of a frown. Instead of forcing the blonde to do anything, the older man opted for sitting next to the doorway and waiting patiently. He was more concerned about Cloud hurting himself behind the door and less about the actual turmoil the blonde was going through. It wasn’t an entirely expected reaction, but it had been predictable enough. Auron knew Cloud would be upset, but he had been betting that the reaction would’ve been more violent and less contained than it was. He was happier seeing Cloud react like a normal human would. There was hope.

Cloud’s energy didn’t last very long. The hysterics slowed down to quiet sniffling and hiccups that shook his entire frame. Groggily, he started pushing himself up so he could sit. The desolation and haggardness on his face looked like he was a hardcore drunk waking up after spending a night passed out on the bar floor. Somewhat delirious, Cloud held himself up on shaking arms before eventually shifting himself around to sit with his back against the wall. The tiny closet of a room wasn’t wide enough for him to stretch out so he settled with using the opposite wall to prop his feet up against. Pulling up the hem of his shirt, he wiped his face as dry as he could manage.  Afterward, he rested his head back against the wall and stared at the creases between the concrete bricks his feet were settled against. He was quiet for a long while as he tried to control his breathing so he didn’t feel like a sniveling six year old anymore.

“Everything’s my fault,” the blonde murmured. He tried his hardest to keep the tears back but they ended up escaping again. Using his shirt like a handkerchief, he used it to cover his face with both hands until the brief period of weakness passed. He heaved a quivering sigh and tried to dry his face again with little success. “This would be so much easier to deal with if Leon blamed me for anything. But he doesn’t; at least… not for the things in the past. I don’t know if he blames me now or not but I’m willing to bet he doesn’t. Somehow.”

“What’d you find out?” Auron asked gently. Cloud shook his head and held his face in his hands again. A deep frown marred his face as he fought against the sob that threatened to escape his throat. Several minutes of internal struggling followed but he eventually calmed again.

“I raped him,” the blonde squeaked before the tsunami of grief hit him again and reduced him to a blubbering mess. Auron tried to act surprised, but didn’t worry about being convincing. Cloud was too busy hiding behind his hands and t-shirt fabric to see him.

“Recently?” the man asked. The blonde shook his head once more and took his time regaining his control. By the time he was finished, his entire face was as red as his eyes were.

“Before. Before everything,” he mumbled.

“And you said he doesn’t blame you?”

“No. He doesn’t. I’ve… treated him like shit for over half a decade because I thought he deserved it but I hurt him before he hurt me. I always thought it was the other way around. I don’t remember doing it,” Cloud explained, hugging his knees to his chest. He rested his cheek against them, absolutely exhausted.

“And if he held it against you, this would be easier?”

“Yeah, because at least he’d be angry and I can get angry back. That’s easier to deal with. But instead he’s put up with everything I’ve thrown at him. Cried a few times, but still put up with it. He hasn’t deserved anything I’ve done to him. And… I hate myself so much for it. I don’t know how I’m going to fix it.”

“You’re getting ahead of yourself. You’re not going to be able to do anything for at least a year. You have time to come up with something,” Auron said.

Cloud’s eyes started to water again. “I can’t stay here. I need to see him.”

“Well… if you behave yourself someone might let you make a phone call. But right now? They think you’re insane. Or, close to it anyway.”

“But… I can’t just… continue on like nothing’s changed. I have to talk to him,” Cloud whined, turning his face to bury his eye sockets against his knees as they started leaking again.

“There isn’t much you can do, though.”

Cloud sucked in a trembling breath and let it out slowly. “I know. But… I just want to ask why he never told me. I just… I can’t imagine living like he does.”

“Like he does? Does he do something strange?”

“Living with me. How hasn’t he tried to kill me yet?”

“I have no idea, kid. I will say that it is very rare to hear about Carriers attacking their Charges without some outside influence pushing them to. I’m not surprised he’s put up with you.”

“I don’t understand him… It isn’t even just living with me that’s the worst part,” Cloud said. Sniffling loudly, he picked his face up and ignored the tears that escaped. He took up his tablet and pulled it into his lap. He poked at the screen until he navigated to the archive of recorded lessons Leon had been giving him. He picked a random one and set the tablet on the floor so Auron could see. He fast forwarded until it was nearly finished. His Carrier was wrapping up the tail end of his lecture, and when it was done, he turned to the camera. As he spoke, the brunette’s voice was soft and kind.

“ _That’s all I have for you today, but I do want to remind you of something. I’m very proud of everything you’ve done up until this point, Cloud. I know it’s difficult and frustrating but… I’m glad you’re sticking with it. Thank you,”_ Leon’s image told him.

“God damn it,” Cloud said, letting his head rest back against the wall with his eyes closed. Though his chin was starting to quiver and threatening to give way to more audible sorrow, he managed to hold it together. His voice shook as he spoke. “Once I realized he was going to do that at the end of every lesson, I started closing the video before he would get to that point. It only made me feel weird and it was creepier than it was encouraging. Mostly because he just… looks so damn happy when he says it.”

“That’s his happy face?” Auron asked, raising a brow.

“It’s a happier face than what I normally see him doing. I don’t actually know if he can look happier than that,” Cloud said. He heaved another sigh and started wiping his face again.

“He looked sort of bored.”

“He always does.”

“Oh. But his happiness creeps you out?”

“Not… like… I don’t know. I never had to really care about his happiness, but when he’s like… that, it makes me feel strange. Like… the idea that my progress makes him happy is just… I don’t know,” the blonde tried to explain brokenly.

“But you said you’ve treated him like shit for over half a decade. Did you consider the idea that you making him happy was defeating the purpose of why you were treating him like shit in the first place? Maybe that’s why you felt weird.”

“I have no idea. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I hate him. I always have. Still do. But now I just feel like a massive dickhead for feeling like that. I don’t agree with him, we have nothing in common, and I think he’s gross. But… now I know he didn’t deserve anything that I’ve done to him. So now I don’t know what to do. Should I even go back?” Cloud asked, giving Auron a watery glance. The other man shrugged.

“I can’t answer that for you. But like I said, you have a year to figure it out. For now, though, you should probably get off the floor and go lay down. You won’t make any progress sitting in here stewing in a bunch of tears.”

Cloud quietly considered the other’s words for a moment before he started pushing himself up onto his feet. His legs felt like they were made of gelatin and he wobbled in place for a moment before bending at the waist to pick up his tablet. He held it and stared at its glossy surface for an awkward amount of time, considering everything it could show him about himself. Auron took that as a cue to gently pull the device from the blonde’s hands. He did it easily and Cloud didn’t resist. The younger Charge then teetered off towards his bed and sat on it heavily with a long shaky sigh. His eyes were still trying to drip and he quickly wiped the moisture away.

“Do you think I can call him with that thing?” Cloud asked.

Auron shrugged again as he sat on his own bed opposite of the younger Charge. “Honestly? I have no idea. They do inspect all outside stuff coming in to the prison so I wouldn’t be surprised if your outgoing communication abilities have been disabled. But, you’re also a Charge with schoolwork to do, so it’s hard to say. Anything you send to Leon is probably very very limited,” he explained.

“I can’t stay here knowing all of this. Just being able to ask him why would make me feel better,” Cloud grumbled, wiping his eyes again. Scooting backwards, he pulled his feet onto the bed with him and folded his legs. Taking up his pillow, he hugged it and rested his face against it.

“What would asking him ‘why’ help anything? Why what?”

“Why he didn’t tell me. Why… he even wants to keep me around.”

“Do you think he gets off on being afraid of you? It almost sounds like he developed some weird fetish by keeping you around. It’s really hard for me to comprehend why he would keep you after all of this otherwise.”

Cloud scrunched his face up with a deep scowl. “I really don’t appreciate you trying to make light of this.”

“I’m not. It’s a serious statement. Victims in these sorts of situations can develop some weird ways to cope with it.”

“I don’t think he’s like that. If that were true, he would try to be around me all the time, right? He never made much of an effort to spend time with me more than he had to. I mean, he doesn’t even really teach me face-to-face unless I ask him to. He records lessons and sends them to me. There were times where I didn’t see him at all for a couple of days and when I _did_ see him again, nothing changed. So… I don’t think he’s picked up anything like what you’re saying.”

“Ah. Well, other than ‘he’s a Carrier’ I don’t have an explanation for you.”

“Is being a Carrier supposed to explain everything? Because if so, I don’t understand,” the blonde said, burying his face in his pillow.

“It explains a lot. To me, anyway. Charges are extremely important for the end goal, and every Carrier cares more about that than anything else in their lives. I’ve never heard otherwise. So, it would make sense that they would do everything in their power to keep their Charges around. Even when abuse is involved.”

“I don’t get it…” Cloud trailed with a deep sigh. He tilted to the side until he flopped over. Stretching out, he kept his face in the pillow and settled in place.

“Logically, it doesn’t make any sense, I know. But… we’re working with emotions here. Logic doesn’t apply. Unfortunately for you that means the only one with answers is Leon. If you can figure out a way to contact him through your tablet, then by all means try it. But I’m not going to help you with that; we could both get in some serious shit if that’s something we’re not supposed to do. I do have to look after my ass before I look after yours, after all,” Auron explained.

“Yeah,” Cloud agreed.

“For now, try to get some sleep. I’m going to hang on to your tablet so you’re not tempted to torture yourself with it.”

“Torture myself?”

“Yes. I saw you looking at it with those huge lovelorn eyes.”

“Lovelorn?”

“Yeah, you looked like you were upset because it didn’t love you back as much as you love it.”

“I don’t love it; it’s just reminded me of all the things I don’t know and that it can tell me all of it.”

“Relax kid, I know. I was joking. When your head is screwed on a little tighter, you can have it back. But it’s not good to upset yourself and then launch yourself headfirst into more discoveries that may hurt you just as much. That’s not a good habit,” Auron said. He set Cloud’s tablet aside and took up his own. Reclining back against the wall, he poked at his device until the book he had been reading for the last week came up.

The blonde peeked over the edge of his pillow at the other man before letting out another sigh. He doubted he would sleep, but he dug his blanket out from under himself and got under the covers anyway. And as he lay there, staring at the wall with his back to Auron, he could feel his eyes burning again. Without his permission, his mind was repeating Leon’s scream over, and over, and over again. Then it suddenly jumped to the encouraging words Leon would tell him at the end of his lessons. There weren’t many phrases to remember because he stopped listening to them so early in the routine, but they were there and just as painful all the same. But then his mind would go back to the scream and make it even worse. And then the cycle would repeat.

Before that point, being in prison was more annoying and inconvenient than it had been bad. Most of his negative experiences so far had to do with his own problems and weren’t really prison related. He had been miserable, yes, but it was a manageable sort of miserable where he understood that it was temporary and that there was an ending point in the future. He wasn’t going to be locked away forever, and that made it easier to put up with the irritation. It also helped that he hadn’t been there very long yet.

But now, prison took a whole new meaning for him. It didn’t feel temporary anymore. Even if he left the actual detainment center and went back to the feline facility, prison would perpetuate for as long as he was around Leon. He now had to live with the knowledge of everything he had done to his Carrier. From Plane 087 to the present day, most of their time together had been negative, and it was his fault. And only his fault. He had never intended on torturing someone for six years, and without the new context, he didn’t really see his bullying as anything that bad. Leon had just been weak. But now he knew, and his brain couldn’t begin to comprehend how he was going to fix things.

 _It’d probably be easier for us both if I just walk away_ , he thought to himself. _Or, if I try to fall asleep and just never wake up again. I wonder how difficult that would be._


	88. Chapter 88

Chapter 88

Reno wasn’t much of a morning person. He always found waking up to be extremely difficult and tried his hardest to keep whoever was nearby in bed with him for as long as possible. Which is something Rude didn’t mind very much, but Leon was a different story. It was debatable whether or not the brunette would stay in bed with him or crawl into his box, so when Reno finally did wake up, he wasn’t worried that his friend was nowhere to be found. Groggily rolling across the bed, he noted the illuminated tablet on Leon’s pillow but ignored it as he slid onto the floor.

Sticking his arm in the box, he started shuffling blankets around deftly, hoping to eventually bump into something warm and vaguely Leon shaped. After a minute of nothing but cold untouched cloth, he suddenly bolted upright. The panic was immediate as he started flinging blankets, pillows, and cushions in all directions, trying to make sure that yes, the box was most definitely void of Leons. Once it was empty, he bolted for the bathroom door and shoved it open. There wasn’t a Leon in there either. Neither was there one in the Catalogue Terminal room.

Speeding out into the hallway, Reno made a beeline for Leon’s lab. If his friend wasn’t in there, he would check the cafeteria, and if he wasn’t in there, then he would lay on the floor and cry. All eyes were on him as he ran past an unusual amount of people on his way to the lab. The feline facility was practically a ghost town compared to his home facility, but he did notice that there were more people up and about that particular morning than there usually were. His fuzzy morning mind didn’t quite put together that it was Sunday and that it was just after breakfast so everyone was heading outside. He also didn’t realize that they were all staring at him because he was naked and looked like he was being chased by a serial murderer.

Thankfully, Leon was in his lab. The redhead burst through the doors, making his friend and Sunny both shout in surprise. The woman immediately held her tablet up in front of her face to shield herself from the sudden nudity she didn’t ask for. Seeing Leon, the adrenaline vacated Reno’s body instantly and he tiredly took a few steps into the room before slowly lowering himself to his knees, then all fours, and then eventually he ended up flat on his face against the tile with a loud sigh.

“The fuck is wrong with you?!” Leon barked, giving the redhead a glare. He glanced at Sunny before stomping over to his supply cabinet to retrieve a blanket. Throwing it at Reno, it flopped against the redhead’s back, and in response, Reno gently reached around to pull it down enough to cover himself. Sunny peeked at him over the edge of her tablet to make sure everything was decent before she lowered it to her lap again.

“You weren’t in the room when I woke up and it scared me,” the redhead whined.

“Did you not read the note I left on the tablet? I left it right next to your face.”

“…No. I didn’t.”

“So the logical solution to the problem is run through the halls streaking for… what purpose?”

“I was panicking, okay? Pants are optional for panicking.”

“And you conveniently forgot that you also have Cloud’s watch with you? That tells you if there’s a problem with me, does it not?”

“…It might.”

“Right,” Leon grumped.

The doors were nudged open again and Rude stuck his face into the lab with a suspicious brow raised. When he saw Reno, he pressed his lips into an unamused line and let out a long sigh through his nose. The redhead pushed himself up a bit until he was supported by his elbows and he craned his neck to look behind himself. He cracked a doofy grin at his Charge. Rude stepped into the lab properly and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Oh. Hey. Didn’t realize you were awake,” Reno said.

“I wasn’t. A stranger decided to knock on the door and tell me – and I’m quoting here – ‘I do believe your mate is having a problem.’ I don’t know which is worse; the fact that you were streaking, or the fact that your bullshit is automatically associated with me,” Rude said, his voice still thick with sleep.

“Sorry,” Reno said with a tiny frown. “To be fair, though, that guy was right. I was having a problem, but now I’m not. At least, I don’t have the same problem anymore. I have a new one and I need your help.”

“And what would that be?”

“My penis is very cold and I need you to put your hands on it to keep it warm,” the Carrier said cheekily. Sunny let out a light giggle.

“…I’m going back to bed,” Rude grumbled and turned on his heel.

“Good idea! I’ll come with you.”

“No. I’m going to sleep. You stay here and refrigerate your junk without me.”

“Eh! So mean!” Reno whined. Rude left without response and the redhead slowly lay flat on the floor again with a pout.

“Is he usually that cranky in the morning?” Leon asked curiously.

“If you wake him up before he wants to be awake, yes,” his friend responded.

“Ah. I can see where being woken up with the news of your significant other running naked through the hallways would be a little irritating.”

“I suppose. However, I really thought you were in danger and pants aren’t a priority when that happens. Ah well,” Reno said. He started to stand, keeping the blanket wrapped around his middle as much as he could. Holding the cloth in place, he made his way over to Leon and kissed his cheek.

“What was that for?” the brunette asked, raising a brow.

“For being safe. I’m going to leave you with Sunny and probably go suck some apology sausage. I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” Reno said with a wide smile.

“Gross,” Leon said, scrunching his face up at the visual. “Go away,” he added, nudging the redhead towards the door. Reno laughed as he left.

“Such a bright personality,” Sunny remarked with a humored smile.

“That’s one way of putting it, I guess,” Leon said, running a hand through his hair.

“Most definitely,” the woman agreed. She glanced at the pile of flowers that were laid out on a plastic sheet on the exam table next to her. They were familiar, and it took her a moment to realize that she had seen them in the growing table in Leon’s room. “So tell me what you’re doing with these,” she said.

“Well, Reno ate one yesterday. He didn’t get sick or anything from it, but it did prompt me to try and figure out what they’re made of regardless. I’m curious. They drip this… oily nectar or something and I have no idea what it’s supposed to be,” the Carrier explained.

“Interesting,” Sunny agreed. She reached over and rubbed a petal between her thumb and forefinger. Oil was deposited on them and she smeared it around on her fingertips for a moment before giving them a thoughtful sniff. “They smell nice, at least. Maybe it’s just a way of spreading their fragrance so insects come to pollinate them.”

“They don’t need pollination, though. They reseed themselves.”

“Hm. Maybe animals, then. They could rub up against the seeds and get them stuck in their fur and then drop them off elsewhere.”

“I suppose. The purpose doesn’t really concern me. I just want to know what it is.”

“How’re you going to figure that out?”

“I have no idea. I might have to order some things from the Technicians under the pretense of research. It is technically research, just… not the kind they want.”

“I’m all for it if it’s something you like to do.”

“I like figuring out how things work.”

“It’s a good hobby. I guess you won’t need my gift I brought then. Or at least not today,” Sunny said. She stood from her seat and stepped around to the other side of the exam table and bent at the waist to heft up an oblong rectangular hinged case. She set it on the table carefully and flipped open the locks that kept it shut. Leon leaned to see around the side of it as she opened and he was presented with a piano face.

“Uuuh…” he trailed stupidly. He hadn’t expected Sunny to actually follow through and help him with the piano problem he didn’t know he had.

“It’s an electric keyboard,” the woman said.

“Yes, I see that.”

“You said you played, right?”

“Yeah, but… I hadn’t actually given much more thought to continuing.”

“Well, it’s here if you want it. When you’re bored or done with your plants, maybe you can try this. Or do both.”

“Maybe…” Leon drifted. He wasn’t sure how he felt about continuing with the piano. There was already a pain forming in his chest when he thought about it and he didn’t feel like trying to confront those feelings when his current ones still hurt so much. Seeing his uneasiness, Sunny closed the case and put it back on the floor.

“No pressure. But it’s an option,” she said.

“Right…”

“So what are you going to do with the results you get for the flowers?”

“What do you mean? I just want to know stuff.”

“Well, I think if it’s feasible, the oil would make a nice fragrance. Like a scented candle or a perfume.”

Leon pursed his lips thoughtfully. “Maybe. At least to Reno and myself the smell isn’t too intrusive, so it’d probably make an okay scented something-or-other if someone wants such a thing. Maybe Tifa would want something. It’d give me a use for the flowers, anyway. They like to grow and they get out of control easily.”

“She’d probably just like the flowers in a vase, really. She’s simple like that,” Sunny said, going to take her seat again.

“Maybe when I have some fresher ones. These ones are getting a bit wilted,” Leon said.

“Very true. Would you like me to look into options for you? They have candle making kits that aren’t very complicated.”

“Only if you have the time to. I need to figure out what’s in the oil before I do anything though. Who knows? Maybe it’s explosive.”

“That’d be exciting. Where did you even get these things, though? I haven’t ever seen a flower like this before.”

“They’re from Cloud’s plane. Not his home, but that side of the dimension, anyway.”

“And the Technicians let you keep them?”

“I had the seeds. I don’t think they noticed them. If they did, they didn’t care,” Leon said with a shrug.

“Fair enough. Works for me,” Sunny agreed. Leon sat in the seat perpendicular to her at the exam table. He let out a wide yawn and folded his arms in front of himself and rested his face on them. Sunny did the same and gave him a tiny sideways smile. “Didn’t sleep well?” she asked.

Leon shook his head a bit. “I barely slept. Cloud was having a bad night and the headache my Signet was giving me was unreal.”

“Yeah? What do you think the problem was?”

“I have no idea. He wasn’t being harmed physically so I can only assume he was upset about something else,” the brunette explained, his voice somewhat hollow.

“You sound upset.”

“It is upsetting. I want to help him but… Reno made a good point. He’s in a place that can assist him and he isn’t being physically damaged so this is the best the scenario can be.”

“I’m glad you can see that.”

“Did Auron call you or tell you anything about it?”

“No. I haven’t heard from him since you talked to him last.”

“I see,” Leon said with a shallow sigh.

“I’m confident we can reach a conclusion you both can be happy with.”

“Yeah? At least you are.”

\-----------------

Auron was worried. Cloud hadn’t said a word since the evening before and though he looked rested, it didn’t seem like he was actually awake. Every time the older Charge tried to talk to his younger companion, he was ignored. Cloud went about his business well enough, but anything more than just going with the motions was asking for too much. He didn’t seem upset and he didn’t cry; he was just quiet and blank. So far, Auron had been able to read Cloud fairly well given their circumstances, but now he had no idea what the blonde was thinking and that was a huge problem. He didn’t try to push Cloud to talk to him, but he did keep a very close eye on him.

Shower time was always a little awkward, but Cloud was never fazed by it. Knowing Cloud’s distaste for all things that were vaguely homosexual, Auron thought getting naked and wet around a bunch of strangers of the same sex would’ve made the blonde more uncomfortable. But he didn’t seem to care. Or if he did, whatever was going through his head was overriding any outward reaction towards the situation. Regardless, Auron was more than entertained with Cloud’s fascinating behavior and was content to observe until his cellmate decided to talk again.

However, now that they were out and amongst other people, Cloud’s stony expressionless face and his strange silence were attracting the wrong kinds of attention. Once he was bathed and clean, the blonde simply stood under the shower with his forehead pressed to the tiles in front of him, watching the water swirl down the drain around his feet. Everyone else in the room may as well have not existed. That is, until a foreign face with beady brown eyes and a goatee appeared in his periphery. He felt a hand slide across the small of his back and ease down to grab a thick handful of his left buttcheek.

“Has anybody ever told ya that you have an ass that has no business bein’ attached to a man?” the sleazy prisoner breathed. He leaned in a little closer so he could see Cloud’s face properly. “A pretty face too. You’re all sorts of backwards, ain’t ya?”

Cloud wasn’t amused. He fixed icy eyes on the face and with quick flick of his arm, brought his hand up and grabbed the other man’s nose. He twisted harshly; forcing the prisoner to let out a loud nasally squawk. The stranger attempted to turn his face with the movement so his nose wasn’t immediately snapped, and luckily for him, Cloud was aware of himself. It was taking all of his willpower to not escalate the situation, and when his unwelcomed attention fell to one knee and grabbed his wrist in a feeble attempt to make him let go, he did. However, he let go and immediately covered the other man’s face his palm and gave him a harsh shove backwards. His assailant flopped back against the tiles with a grunt.

Every instinct that had been ingrained into his head told Cloud to sit on the other man’s chest and beat his face into the drainage grate, but he stopped himself. With his fingers balled into painfully tight fists, he stayed where he was and sucked in a deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly. When he couldn’t feel the tension and adrenaline leaving him, he turned away and headed for the door. The other prisoner wasn’t happy with his reaction and scrambled to his feet.

“’Ey! Get back here ya fuckin’ fairy! Let me beat the love back into ya!” the man barked.

“Give it a rest Derrick! Ain’t nobody wants to let you fuck ‘em and you’re too soft to win a fight. Just jerk it like the rest of us and shut up already!” another prisoner jeered.

“Fucking sad bastard,” yet another prisoner said.

“I’ve got to say, that was the worst bit of flirting I’ve seen in _many_ years. I don’t blame him for turning you down, buddy,” Auron said as he passed by the molester as he followed Cloud.

“Fuck all of ya!” Derrick yelled, stomping back to his claimed shower head.

“That’s the problem! No one wants to! Get over it!” another voice called from across the shower room.

Cloud was in the communal changing area by himself, furiously rubbing his hair with a towel. The room was similar to a high school locker room but the lockers had been replaced by a single bank of shelves in the middle that housed the supply of towels and replacement beige jumpsuits. Benches lined the walls. Auron walked in as the blonde finished drying off and was wrapping the cloth around his waist. The older prisoner didn’t say anything and went to retrieve his own towel. His younger companion sat heavily on a bench and let his head rest back against the wall with his eyes closed. He was still struggling to squash the anger writhing under his skin.

“If it’s any consolation, I’m proud of you for not beating the shit out of him like you obviously wanted to,” Auron said from under his towel as he squeezed the water from his hair.

Cloud was quiet for a long while, and for a moment, Auron thought he was still being ignored. But after a deep breath, the blonde spoke for the first time that day. “Maybe I should’ve just let him have whatever he wanted. It’d be fitting,” he said, his voice cold and unfeeling.

“Eh…” Auron drifted as he considered the other’s words. Once dry, he wrapped the towel around his waist as Cloud had and sat at the other end of the bench his cellmate chose. “In a dramatic way, it would be fitting. But in reality, it’d only succeed in making you feel dirty. If you _really_ want it to be fitting, you shouldn’t allow anyone to have you but Leon. Wouldn’t you say that’s true?”

Again, Cloud was quiet for a long time. He frowned. “I guess so.” Another pause. “You took my passing self-depreciating thought and made it way more than what it needed to be. Please don’t do that. It makes me uncomfortable.”

“Then don’t deflect my praise with dramatics. Just accept it and internalize it. You could’ve beaten the shit out of him and you didn’t. That’s good,” Auron said.

“I guess.”

“I don’t think you understand the gravity of what you did in there. Tell me your thought process. I’m curious.”

Cloud opened his eyes and stared up at the dingy light fixtures. “I spent most of last night being forced by my mind to listen to Leon screaming over and over again. I’ll never forget that sound,” the blonde explained. His eyes started to water, but he managed to keep the tears trapped against his eyelids. “I’ve done so much - broken him so many times - because I can’t control myself. Or I just didn’t try to. Whichever. It’s hard to remember which one it was. But… regardless of which reason, I need to stop. I can’t… I can’t keep doing that to him.”

“I agree.”

“When I grabbed that guy’s face, I didn’t hear him scream. I heard Leon,” Cloud mumbled, wiping his eyes dry. He sniffled once, but kept himself together. “As bad as it sounds, that was a good reminder to stop. I just wanted the guy to leave. I didn’t need to break his nose.”

“That’s quite a turnaround from where you were last week.”

“A lot changed in less a day. Too much. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep. I’m thinking too much,” Cloud said, rubbing his face with his palms.

“What about, exactly? I get that you’re probably still trying to deal with what you saw but what’s underneath that I don’t know?” Auron asked. Cloud was quiet as he considered the question carefully.

“Before I came over here with Leon, there was a girl that was very special to me. She was technically my foster sister but I never actually saw her like that. She was just a girl I grew up in the same house with. I… loved her a lot. Still do,” the blonde explained. “I remember when I was younger, I accidentally walked in on her getting into the shower –scared the shit out of both of us. My first reaction was to go crawl back in bed and jerk the trauma away, if you get what I’m saying.”

“As one tends to do, yes.”

“It was really pathetic. It’s more embarrassing to think about it now,” Cloud said. He cleared his throat uneasily. “Anyway, afterward, I felt really nasty. In my head, it felt like I had taken her from the pedestal I held her on and threw her in the trash with the tissues. She was worth so much more to me than what I reduced her to. I… felt like I raped her. And I hated myself for it. I actually went and talked to my mom about it because I just didn’t know what to do with myself.

“Later on, after Leon came along, there was another situation that I can kind of remember too. Leon was a prisoner of war under my country for a while– that’s where we met. That’s… where I started everything,” the blonde said. He paused for a moment as his mind threatened to get carried away with his upset. Brushing excess moisture from his eyes, he continued as evenly as he could. “I was supposed to be getting information out of him, but I guess I wasn’t doing enough because they ended up sending one of our general’s in with me one day. His solution to the problem was to… try to fuck Leon into submission. And all I can remember thinking was: _this isn’t right_. I ended up stopping him. And then we ran. Together.

“My countrymen never gave violence or rape a second thought. It was almost an expected behavior – a side effect of the war. I never felt that way. In my head it’s one of the worst things you can do to someone. I would’ve preferred living with Leon’s murder on my hands than trying to deal with this situation. At least I’d know that the suffering was over for everyone but me. It’s much easier to understand that way. But now… I know I’ve become something I hate,” the blonde said, his voice turning somewhat monotone as he stared ahead of himself at the bank of shelves in the middle of the room.

“I haven’t been happy with myself for a long time. But this crosses a line I’m not sure I can deal with. If a person is dead, I don’t have to face them again. I have the face the guilt, but I never actually have to interact with them again. This isn’t the same. I have to face Leon again… because he wants to keep me. For some reason. Reno, his friend, says it’s because Leon loves me. And… that makes me feel really strange, but he’s probably right. How…” Cloud trailed, his breath catching in his throat. “How do I face that? How… can I deal with this?  That’s what I’ve been thinking about. I haven’t gotten anywhere.”

“I see. I’m not sure what to tell you,” Auron said, folding his arms over his chest.

“Reno said he recorded a conversation on my tablet before he brought it in; he wanted me to listen to it. I wonder if it’ll help me figure something out.”

“It’s possible. It’s also a starting point. Finding one of those is the first step to fixing a problem. I think listening to it would be a good idea.”

\----------------------

Leon was being assaulted. He would’ve been more distressed about it if Reno wasn’t the perpetrator, but the ferocity was still alarming. Sunny had spent most of the day with him and thus the redhead’s company hadn’t been necessary. His friend had apparently missed him because as soon as they were alone in Leon’s room again, Reno shoved him into bed and started smothering him with kisses. Gently, of course.

“I’m not so sure I’m comfortable with you putting your mouth on me when you spent most of the day sucking apology sausage,” the brunette said, trying to wriggle away from the onslaught.

“Why? Do you think Rude’s sausage is dirty or something?” Reno asked innocently.

“No, but the only one who should come in contact with it is you.”

“But you’re not coming in contact with it.”

“I am indirectly.”

“Oh, whatever! I’ve eaten two meals and brushed my teeth since then. You can get over it. Let me love you,” the redhead said. He buried his face against Leon’s neck and nuzzled under his chin affectionately.

“I guess that’s okay…” the brunette said.

“I’m glad you agree. So tell me about your visit with Sunny. Was it a good one?”

“She brought me an electric keyboard. She thinks I should try to play the piano again.”

“I think you should too.”

“I’m not sure I want to, though.”

“Not interested?”

“Not necessarily. It just… hurts a lot.”

“Yeah? How come?” Reno asked. He pulled back from his cuddling so they lay face to face.

Leon frowned. “Do you really have to ask?”

“Is it because of Zell? Or do your fingers physically hurt because Cloud almost broke all of them?”

“Zell.”

“See, you didn’t even tell me about the piano thing until last week. How am I supposed to know you’re upset over him? I didn’t even know you were still bothered by it.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I would’ve thought that being able to say goodbye would’ve brought you some closure. You never said anything about him after the fact so I thought it was in the past. It obviously isn’t if it still causes you that much torment,” the redhead said.

“I’d rather not talk about this.”

“Why? Because it’s painful?”

“If you already knew the answer why are you bothering to persist?” the brunette asked crankily.

“Because you’re getting predictable. You’re doing the same thing with Zell that you did with Cloud. You’re keeping it to yourself and not letting anyone help you. If it’s painful, we need to fix it. Now is probably the best time to barf as much upset on everyone as you possibly can. If we can fix everything all at once, and address all the problems, then your recovery will be more complete and you’ll be happier faster. Would you say that makes sense?”

“I’m really tired of dealing with everything. I don’t… I don’t know how much more I can put up with.”

“And what’re you going to do when you bury this again and it comes up when it’s the worst possible time?”

“I can’t imagine a scenario where this would matter.”

“What if one of your sisters decided she wanted to learn how to play? Would you teach her? Or would you push her off on someone else?”

“I… don’t know.”

“And what if this holds you back from finding happiness with someone else? Would you rather hang on to whatever memories you have and just live with those for the rest of your life?”

“I like the memories, though. And I don’t know why you expect them to get in the way of a relationship that won’t exist.”

“They’re not just getting in the way of a possible relationship, though,” Reno said. He gave Leon a tiny wavering smile. “They’re stopping you from picking up a hobby you’re familiar with and maybe finding something that’ll bring you some peace. You don’t know if you’ll find it relaxing or not, or even if it’s just fun to do. Relationships aside, you’re stopping yourself from developing a talent. And it’s only happening because you don’t want to talk about it.”

“Not learning the piano properly isn’t going to kill me. It’s not a big deal. Why do I have to uproot what’s left of my sanity for the sake of picking up a worthless hobby?”

“Because this goes beyond the act of playing the piano. I don’t think you actually believe the words you’re saying. You can’t possibly be stupid enough to think that this starts and stops with a keyboard. Learning the piano is a secondary action that’ll be assisted by properly dealing with your loss.”

“My loss,” Leon scoffed; as if the harsh truth of the words was ridiculous. He kept his eyes averted with a harsh glare pointed at the open space next to Reno’s face. His denial was ironclad.

“Yes. Your loss. That’s what this is, you know.”

“Whatever.”

“Oh no you don’t,” the redhead chastised. He reached up and clasped his hands on Leon’s cheeks and forced the brunette to look at him. “Do you remember Tseng? He was the guy that put a gun to your head after you found me in Dollet. He and Elena, the lady that was with us, were the best friends I made while in Midgar next to Rude. I loved them to pieces. If they hadn’t found and helped us in Winhill, we’d probably be dead. They died helping us. Helping me.  And my parents? I hope I don’t need to explain how much they meant to me, but if you recall, they died over there too.

“I lost a lot by going to Midgar, Leon. But I can talk about everyone and not feel like I’m reliving every second of their deaths because I let myself feel it and internalize it. I accepted it and I moved past it. Healthily. But you? I haven’t heard one peep about Zell since you left the school. That can mean one of two things: either he didn’t mean as much to you as you let on and you just forgot about him, or you’re still not over it and are afraid to confront it. Judging by how much you’ve been avoiding my questions, and how you’re letting it prevent you from exploring new things, I’m going to say it’s the latter.

“Rude helped me and I helped him because we have that sort of trust between us. And by using that to recover from our losses, we’re happier for it. I hope you trust me enough to let me do the same for you. You don’t have to. I’m not going to force you. But do yourself a favor and don’t reduce what he meant to you to ‘whatever.’ It was a big deal. You’re allowed to be upset about it, and you’re allowed to move past it and start getting better. Okay?”

Leon was quiet for a while, and when it seemed like he wouldn’t respond, Reno let go of his face and shuffled away from him. The redhead sat up and let out a long sigh. He stayed where he was, but the moment was broken and he didn’t feel like he was going to get anywhere, so he figured he would wait for Leon to move on to something else. His friend’s silence was concerning, but he stayed true to his word and didn’t force the brunette to do anything more. Eventually, though, Leon rolled onto his stomach and hugged a pillow to his face. And to Reno’s surprise, after another pause, he started speaking.

“I suppose it’s sort of stupid of me to feel so attached to him because, really, we weren’t involved for very long. It wasn’t like I had grown up with him or knew him for a few years beforehand. But, he was the first person that met me and didn’t immediately question my issues, my quirks, my choices… anything. And I’m not exaggerating here. My girlfriend was a fucking nightmare with her constant questioning. You’ve done it, Tifa’s done it a hundred times over, and Zack’s done it. Even the school staff questioned my strength and assumed I was on Mako. Which is reasonable on their part, but it’s an unexpected group of people to include in this.

“Probably the only people who haven’t done it aside from Zell are Rude, who barely talks anyway, Joshua, and Neku. And by the time I met Joshua and Neku my pride and my self-worth were so beat to shit that I just made fun of myself so they didn’t need to. Oh, and Sunny hasn’t. But she’s paid to put up with me,” Leon said explained.

“Leon--”

“No, you wanted me to talk about it so I’m going to. I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to apologize. Everyone has. I know. Everyone is sorry. It’s fine. I’m just making a point.”

“Okay…” Reno said hesitantly.

“My point is, for most of my life, I didn’t feel like I had any support. Admittedly, as I reflect on my past, I understand that almost all of the reasons why I felt like that were my fault. But that didn’t change the fact that I spent the majority of my life feeling like I was constantly failing. So when Zell came along, and he liked my strength, didn’t treat me like a freak, didn’t contest anything I did, and didn’t constantly tell me I’m wrong…” Leon trailed hesitantly. He huffed a quick sigh. “It was really nice. I didn’t really get to know him very much until after everything with the prison happened, but if he hadn’t been there, I probably would’ve given up.”

“Given up?”

“Killed myself. Well, I say that but I’m not actually brave enough for that, I don’t think. Had I had to spend the time after the prison by myself while Cloud recovered, I probably would’ve come very close. He actually made me forget about it most of the time,” the brunette said. His eyes were starting to well up as he continued. “It’s sort of easy to forget about the bad stuff when all you think about is someone else. I had never had a distraction like that. I mean, I can focus on things well enough but there’s nothing in my life that held my attention as much as he did when I had time to myself,” he admitted, wiping his eyes.

“You think about Cloud a lot, though. You talk about him a lot so I can only assume there’s thoughts involved too,” Reno said. He laid back and rolled onto his stomach. He hugged the pillow to his face as Leon had and watched the brunette closely. His friend’s face was icy and unfeeling; eyes unfocused and wet.

“That’s different. I don’t enjoy thinking about him. All I do is worry and get upset when he’s around. That’s why it’s so painful to talk about Zell because I don’t actually think I’ll have that sort of relationship with someone ever again. I was with him just long enough to get attached and learn a lesson about expectations.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you have low expectations, you’re less likely to be disappointed. My biggest problem was that I expected too much from people and I was disappointed over and over again. I even expected too much from myself and I was disappointed. I expected too much from Cloud and was disappointed. But… that’s all in the past. More or less. I learned my lesson and I’m trying to stop expecting things from people and just let myself be pleasantly surprised when something positive happens,” Leon said.

Reno frowned. “Leon…”

The brunette shrugged. “That’s why I don’t like talking about Zell. Because ‘my loss,’ as you put it, goes beyond just his death. He’s a constant reminder of what I’ll never have, and all that does is remind me of my mistakes and how I’ve constantly disappointed myself. From the beginning. Had I listened to Zack and Tifa, I probably wouldn’t have the problems I do. Had I been patient and tried to find a Charge that I felt a connection to – like what you told me I should’ve done – I’d probably be much happier. I probably wouldn’t have a Charge that tries to kill me. Intimidates me. Threatens me. Hits me—“

“Wait wait, hold the phone. Cloud hits you?” the redhead blurted, his brows furrowing together.

“He has. Not recently though. And by that I mean it’s been since before we came home from Plane 087. It’s not really a concern I have anymore, but it has happened.”

“Wh—“ Reno stammered in disbelief. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I believed I deserved it and I didn’t believe anyone would say otherwise,” Leon said, his voice flat and emotionless. He fixed dripping eyes on his friend and shrugged his indifference. “On the list of problems I carry around with me, being smacked around is scraping the bottom. Just forget I said anything. It’s not a concern anymore,” he said, briefly wiping his cheeks.

“But it _is_ a concern!”

“Reno. Just stop. My entire life has been one giant swirling shithole. I know what Cloud has done to me and I know all of it is bad. I have to pick my battles with the parts that hurt the most. I don’t have the mental fortitude to deal with every single problem all at once. So just take me at my word and believe me that it’s not a concern anymore. If it becomes one again, please just trust that I’ll let you know.”

“But…” Reno huffed.

“Please.”

“I…” the redhead sighed. Closing his eyes and trying to steel himself against the sudden urge to go back to the prison and murder Cloud, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nose. “Okay,” he said, though his tone said everything was far from it.

“Thank you. I appreciate that more than you can understand.”

“Good because it’s killing me inside.”

“Sorry. But this is part of the reason I don’t like sitting around talking about past problems like this. It starts a chain reaction and all I end up doing is dredging up things that I don’t need to. All of that eventually leads back to how much I screwed up and how much I regret just about everything I’ve done. I care about Cloud because he’s my Charge, but I regret choosing him. I cared about Zell, but I regret getting involved with him because of all the pain that’s followed. It’s very cyclical.

“In a lot of ways, death is easier for me to deal with than regret. Death is a single occurrence. It happens and then the status of that person can never be changed. They will always remain dead. It’s a simple concept to understand, and saying goodbye is hard, but I can conceptualize the idea better than regret and the mental turmoil that follows it. So in some ways, Zell’s death is the easy part to deal with. I miss him, and probably always will, but nothing is going to make him come back and that makes it easier for me to let go. There’s no reason to hang on.

“But the impact on my perceptions and my life – the regret – sticks around long after and is constantly changing with my thoughts. It’s always reminding me of the problems I have, what I did to make them happen, what I could’ve done to change it, and then I get caught in the cycle again. It never stops. That’s the part that hurts the most,” Leon explained.

“That’s very… concise.”

“Contrary to popular belief, I do actually understand how my brain functions despite my losing control of it sometimes. Believe me when I say I’ve thought about every detail, every moment, and every subject that makes something into a memory for me. I can’t help but analyze it all and figure it out. I don’t like not understanding things. Regurgitating that information to other people is exhausting, though.”

“I see.”

“I’ve spent a lot of time by myself. All I can do is think; that’s the one thing I know I’m good at.”

“I can tell. Do you at least feel a little better now that you’ve talked about it?” Reno asked.

Sniffling, Leon wiped his eyes again. He shook his head. “No. I’m just really tired now.”

“Oh. I’m sorry, then.”

“It’s okay. I spent a long time trying to understand myself. I can’t expect anyone else to. Normal people might have felt better.”

“I thought I did understand you, though. It bothers me that I apparently don’t,” Reno said, his frown persisting.

“Well, don’t be upset. I’m not,” the brunette said, flipping his pillow over to the dry side. He then shuffled closer to Reno and settled against the other’s side. The redhead draped an arm over his shoulders. “I’d like to take a nap now,” Leon concluded.

“Okay,” his friend agreed hesitantly.

The brunette was asleep quickly, leaving behind an uncertainty Reno wasn’t sure he could solve. He wasn’t going to be able to stay with Leon for much longer, and if he didn’t figure out what he didn’t know about his friend, he doubted he ever would. Long distance relationships were hard to maintain even with regular phone calls, but when it involves a person like Leon who doesn’t like to share what he thinks, it can make any progress drag on for ten times longer than what’s expected. He could remember how long to took for their relationship to become what it was, and if Leon had to try and develop that sort of familiarity with Sunny, he was in for a long haul.

Progress looked like it would take an excruciatingly long time, and under normal circumstances, it wouldn’t matter. Time was a resource they had a lot of. But they had less than a year before Cloud was allowed to return to the facility, and Reno’s confidence in Leon’s recovery before that was slowly draining away. He didn’t like to admit it, but Leon’s healing was contingent on the care Cloud would give when he returned. If the blonde continued on like he had been, Leon would die. Either Cloud would kill him outright or Leon would kill himself. If there was some sort of radical change and Cloud came back with some semblance of compassion, then maybe things would get better.

Reno didn’t like depending on that very shaky sliver of hope. There was too much that could go wrong and not enough positive things to balance it out. His only recourse was trusting Auron’s ability to help Cloud before he was released. Given how little the redhead knew about the man, he wasn’t confident, but it was the string that was holding the situation together for him regardless.


	89. Chapter 89

Chapter 89

Cloud listened to Leon and Reno’s conversation. He had quickly become fixated with how weak and damaged Leon sounded for the duration, but once his Carrier started blaming himself and defending Cloud’s actions, the upset came. There weren’t any hysterics. No screaming. No wailing. Nothing dramatic. But he was distressed, and though quiet, the tears were constant for several minutes. Once the audio ended and he was surrounded by silence, his mind started replaying one thing Leon had said that stuck with him:

_“I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of being alone, and I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control.”_

Suddenly, Reno’s demand of making Leon happy became the forefront of his thoughts. His Carrier had more or less handed him the answer for how to do that, but Cloud was extremely apprehensive. He understood what Leon meant by not wanting to be alone and wanting the fighting to stop. But having control? That was a scary idea. The blonde didn’t know what Leon wanted control of. Control of him? Control of the project? Control of himself? There were too many possibilities; most of which he was uncomfortable with.

“You said your Carrier was a guy, right?” Cloud asked curiously once he had calmed down enough to speak coherently. Auron, who had been on standby and kept to himself while his cellmate dealt with his grief, raised a brow at him.

“Yes,” the older man said.

“What uh… what kind of stuff did you guys do?” Cloud asked awkwardly. Auron put his tablet in his lap and gave the blonde a suspicious look. With puffy doe eyes, still somewhat damp cheeks, and a very confused expression, Cloud had reversed time on himself and looked sixteen again.

“Can you give me something more specific than that? What sort of things are you expecting me to talk about?”

“I… have no idea,” the blonde mumbled. His mind was still awash with everything he had learned over the last several days, and he wasn’t sure what he wanted to know. He just knew he wanted to know it. He took off his earpiece and reached for his pillow. Hugging it, he subconsciously tried to hide behind it as he waited for Auron to tell him what he didn’t know.

“Well I can’t really tell you anything unless I know what to talk about. Help me understand. What prompted this?”

“When Reno visited he told me I needed to make Leon happy. I listened to the thing he wanted me to listen to and Leon said he’s tired of fighting, being alone, and not having control. I don’t know what he wants control of, but if it’s me, I don’t… know what to do with that.”

“Do you really think he would want to control you?”

“No, but if he’s lonely… and he wants control…”

“Abuse victims frequently feel like they’ve lost control of everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if he just wants control of his life again. It might just have a universal meaning.”

“Okay, but if he’s lonely, and the only choice Carriers have are their Charges… and he wants control of whatever… wouldn’t that mean I’d be expected to just… roll over for him?” Cloud asked hesitantly. The longer he kept trying to decipher what he was asking while clearing the fog in his mind, the more his pulse sped up. He wasn’t sure why it made him so anxious, but he didn’t like it.

“There’re a lot of kinds of lonely, kid. Carriers can be friends with whoever they want to. It’s beyond that threshold that they have little choice.”

“He has friends already, though.”

“Well, you’d probably have to ask him what he means when he says he’s lonely.”

“I can’t imagine that he isn’t the normal kind of lonely. Like romantically. I also can’t imagine he’d even want to be involved with me. But if it’s bad enough, and he decides he wants to settle for me, I don’t know how to handle that. That’s why I asked. I don’t know what I’m hoping to figure out but anything helps.”

“Do you _want_ him to settle for you?” Auron asked, furrowing his brows together. It was very clear to him that Cloud was lost in his misery and not thinking clearly. He couldn’t help but recall the bigoted blonde he had met barely two weeks before. The dramatic shift in attitude was concerning, but also fascinating.

“I want to fix this,” the younger Charge murmured. Anxiety was starting to build and he was finding it difficult to breathe the more he thought about what he was proposing.

“My suggestion would be to wait until you’re less emotional before you make a decision like this. A lot has changed, and if you make a commitment to yourself to be something you’re not, you’re asking for disaster. I understand what you’re saying, and fixing the problem is a good idea, but making yourself miserable in the process isn’t the right solution. I can’t imagine Leon would want you to do that, and you can only last so long in that situation before it eats away at your stability,” Auron said.

“I know what you’re saying, but I still want to know.”

“Know what?”

“Anything. What’s it like?”

“What’s what like? Having a relationship with another man?”

“I guess?”

“It’s the same as having one with a woman. Why would it be any different?”

“There’s no way it can be the same.”

“Sure it is. The biology is different, but they’re still their own individual. They have their own likes and dislikes, personality, and quirks. The fact that the genitalia involved are the same as yours doesn’t change that.”

“…I guess.”

“I would be more concerned about loving the person before you love their body. If you can do it in that order, it doesn’t matter what their body looks like.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

“Well, believe what you will, but if you’re serious about trying to get somewhere with Leon, you should probably consider different ways of viewing homosexuality.”

“This would be a lot easier if I could just talk to him.”

“Probably, but it’d be worth it to try and do a bit of soul searching before you can do that. If you’re really feeling lost, you can try and ask the warden for permission to call him, but I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Auron said.

“Excuse me boys,” came an unfamiliar female voice. Both Charges turned to see who it was, and Cloud immediately felt that the woman the voice was attached to was extremely intimidating. She was very tall, with broad shoulders, muscular build, pale skin, long dark hair, and an angular face. Cloud didn’t think she was ugly, but she was far from the delicate princess-type of woman he was used to seeing. She also had a fading black eye and it immediately clicked in his head that she was Susan.

“Hey Susan,” Auron said with a tiny wave. She smiled at him.

“Hey Auron. How’re things?” the nurse responded.

“Oh, you know, just another regular day in paradise.”

“Glad to hear it. I have a present for your companion there,” Susan said. Snaking her arm through the bars, she held a little plastic cup out to Cloud. The blonde scooted out of his bed and went to take it from her. There was a pill inside.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled at her. She was over a half a head taller than he was and he felt dwarfed by comparison.

“Sorry?” she asked.

“I gave you the black eye, didn’t I?”

“Ah! Yes. Yes you did. I’m okay though. It was a nice shot, but also understandable.”

“Understandable?”

“Yes. Whether you realize it or not, you’re very sick.”

“I am?”

“Mentally, yes. That’s what this pill is for. To help you sleep,” she said pleasantly. “Insomnia is no joke, my unhinged friend.”

“Oh,” the blonde deadpanned.

“Go get a drink from your sink, take the pill, and then bring me the cup. It’s almost lights out,” Susan instructed. Cloud did as he was told and shuffled off towards the tiny closet of a bathroom. Once he was distracted, she whispered to Auron. “Is he alright? He’s not gearing up for another episode is he?” she asked.

Auron shook his head. “I doubt it. He’s just been forced to come to terms with a lot of things over the last few days.”

“Ah, I see. Good.”

Cloud returned quickly and handed the empty cup off to Susan. With a smile and a brief wave, she left the pair to return to her regular duties. The blonde sat on his bed with a huff and stared at the floor for a moment. When he thought about it with some clarity, the idea of having a relationship with Leon made his skin crawl. Being physically attracted to someone was an important part of a relationship, he felt, and his Carrier wasn’t exactly what he was looking for in a partner. Regardless, what Auron said resonated with him. He was beginning to internalize that almost everything he understood about Leon was wrong.

The small amount of familiarity he had with his Carrier had been tossed out the proverbial window, so now he felt like Leon was a complete stranger again. Cloud used to feel like he had the brunette figured out. Or at least, as figured out as he wanted to be. He hadn’t cared to get seriously involved with his Carrier personally, but from what Leon showed him on the surface, Cloud thought he understood. Apparently he didn’t. He had too many questions, and he didn’t doubt that they would’ve been easy to answer if he actually knew how Leon worked. The regret of not giving his Carrier a chance tugged at his psyche.

Beyond Leon, there were other issues Cloud was beginning to understand about himself. He realized that he hadn’t really made the effort of make any friends since he left home for the military. Zack was the closest thing to a friend he could think of, but even then, they hadn’t spent a ton of time together and Cloud realized he didn’t know much about the other Charge other than the basics and a couple of weird stories. Given his recent behavior, he sincerely doubted his ability to actually make friends when he returned to the facility. Anyone willing to spend time with him was probably insane or looking for a laugh at his expense. He didn’t blame them, but it was still upsetting all the same. However, Leon would be the first step to fixing that, he was sure. As of that moment, his Carrier was the only one willing to give him an opportunity to improve.

“What’re you thinking about?” Auron asked.

“How worthless my life is, mostly. I left my home with nothing, gained things, and then threw them away because I’m an idiot,” Cloud said gloomily.

“It happens. What matters now is how you handle it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” the blonde huffed. He slowly lay down and hugged his pillow to his face. “How do you love someone without loving their body?” he asked, his voice muffled by fabric and desperation.

“Most people can’t. It’s difficult to do. And I never said you would never love their body, I just said if you can love their personality first, their body doesn’t matter. It’s not like you’d never change your mind.”

“I just… don’t understand that.”

“Well, have you ever had a relationship where they asked you to try something weird in bed that you never considered before but you did it anyway because you loved them?”

“…No.”

“Oh,” Auron said, pressing his mouth into a thin line as his pep talk quickly evaporated. “Well, can you imagine your girl asking you to let her roll you over and shove a carrot in your ass or something?”

“What?!” Cloud spat, pulling his face up from his pillow to fix a searing glare on his cellmate. “Don’t even tell me that’s something you’ve done before.”

“Hypothetically! Don’t you think it’s similar to loving someone with a body type you’re not used to? You’d still love them but when it came to the physical stuff it might be a bit weird, but you’d probably do it anyway. Right?”

“I guess? It doesn’t really equate to fucking with vegetables, though.”

“Well, it kind of does. Cucumbers are vaguely penis shaped.”

“Stop! Eugh!” Cloud barked, scrunching his face up with disgust.

Auron laughed a bit. “Sorry. You’re making this really easy. People like different things, kid. It’s just a fact of life. If you can be happy loving something that’s different than what you’re used to, then more power to you. But I would advise you to make decisions when you’ve calmed down. Don’t torture yourself to make someone else happy. It’s a _very_ temporary fix. You won’t last that way.”

“Leon seems to have done just fine living with being tortured by someone. You said it yourself that it’d be more fitting if he was the one to make me do weird things.”

“It would be. But that isn’t the solution. Is he really cruel enough to be satisfied by torturing you?”

“No.”

“Then you need to figure something else out. Torturing yourself for his sake isn’t the way to make it right. Take your time. You have a lot of it.”

\-------------------------

The next morning was nothing special. Cloud and Auron went about their morning routine as dictated by the authorities and eventually ended up together at their normal breakfast table. They had gotten used to being ignored by the other inmates, but to their surprise, one of them decided to pay them a visit. The man who approached them was barely a man at all. He was very young looking with curly brown hair and freckles all over his face. Scooting up next to Cloud, he leaned into the blonde’s personal space and smiled. Rattled, Cloud furrowed his brows together and leaned away from him.

“Can I help you?” he asked suspiciously.

“Hey, my name is Trent, and I’m in the same hall as you guys. You’re in good with Susan, right?” the younger prisoner asked with obvious anticipation.

“What?” Cloud asked confusedly.

“Susan. The nurse. She’s sweet on you, yeah?”

“She is?”

“Yeah! She didn’t yell at you and threaten to rip your balls off and feed them to you,” Trent said. Cloud raised a brow and looked to Auron. The older man shrugged.

“Why would she do that?” the blonde questioned.

“Because she’s a huge bitch.”

Auron frowned. “Aw, I don’t think so. Susan’s a tough lady but she isn’t a bitch.”

“Well maybe not to you guys, but she is to the rest of us. But that’s not the point. The point is she’s sweet on you,” Trent repeated, pointing at Cloud. “And I want some of whatever she’s giving you. It’s good stuff, right?”

“What?” Cloud asked.

“I’m willing to pay for it; can give you some favors or whatever.”

“I think you misunderstand what this is.”

“Do I? I heard her say you’re sick in the head. She _had_ to have given you the good stuff.”

“I’m apparently sick because I can’t sleep at night without taking something to help.”

“Ah! That _is_ good stuff! C’mon, what do you want for it? I’ve learned some pretty good tricks.”

Auron shook his head. “Boy, you’ve got a problem.”

“No, seriously! You can’t knock it ‘till you try it, man! It’s great!”

“Yeah, I know,” Cloud said. He started eating again. “It put me to sleep. It was nice. I’d like to be able to do that on a regular basis, so no, you can’t have it.”

“Was it a yellow pill or blue one?” Trent persisted.

“Yellow.”

“Aw, man! You _gotta_ let me have some. That stuff makes you so mellow, man. It’s so good!”

“Stop it,” the blonde grumbled. He nudged the younger prisoner away with a sharp glare.

Trent threw his hands up with a huff. “You’re underestimating the quality of my favors here, and I’m sort of insulted.”

“No, I just like to sleep. I don’t need whatever your favors are.”

“Everyone needs my favors. I can do some pretty awesome magic with my tongue,” Trent mumbled, jamming his fork into his breakfast. Auron raised his hand up some.

“I’ll take a favor,” he volunteered.

“You got something for me? Make it worth my effort?”

“I won’t punch you in the throat?” Auron asked with a nonchalant shrug. Cloud snorted a bit.

“A little desperate, are you?” he asked. The older man shook his head.

“Not at all. I just figured I’d take advantage of an opportunity. Especially if he feels the need to try and weasel medication away from people who need it; it’s obviously a cry for attention and I can make him feel wanted.”

“I’ve got plenty of attention. I don’t need yours,” Trent said.

“How old are you, boy? Fourteen?” Auron asked, furrowing his brows together.

“I’m nineteen!”

“And how long have you been in here?”

“Almost a year.”

“Fuck, what did you do?” Auron asked, his face scrunched up in disdain.

“Stole some stuff,” Trent said calmly.

“And they sent you here for a year?”

“No, I got in some fights when I was here so I could stay longer. I was originally only in here for a month.”

“So you could… stay longer?’ Cloud asked confusedly. Trent shrugged.

“This place is way better than sleeping in an alley. I got meals, I got a bed, I got a roof over my head, and I’m safe. More or less.”

“You were homeless before?” Auron asked.

“Yeah. Was taking care of my sister. She’s in the girl’s juvie place on the other side of town. Or she’s supposed to be, anyway. Haven’t heard from her in a while.”

“Where were your parents?”

“They’ve been dead for a _long_ time.”

“Ah, sorry I asked.”

“Eh. It’s history. Doesn’t bother me anymore,” Trent said with a shrug.

“If you say so.”

“I do say so. But anyway, this place is way better than any place I lived before. I like it here.”

Cloud shook his head with a sigh. “That’s so fucked.”

“What is?” Trent asked.

“That being in prison is better than being out of prison.”

“Hey, you try living on the streets with no food. Where old men try to track you down and use you to get their jollies because they haven’t bathed in months and no woman will touch them,” the younger inmate said. He turned to Cloud with an acidic look. “And, on the topic of bathing, try finding a job smelling like the inside of a wet dumpster. It doesn’t work. I had a sister to feed, okay? Don’t judge me.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” the blonde said, holding up his hands defensively. “I never said you’re at fault or whatever. I was just saying that it’s fucked up that in here is better than out there. It shouldn’t be that way.”

Trent’s bravado quickly faded and he went back to his meal with a damp disposition. “Yeah, well, it is what it is.”

“I wish there was a way I could change it,” Cloud muttered. He looked to Auron. “You know, for as much as my country sucked, and forced children into the military, and—“

“What’s a military?” Trent interrupted with a furrowed brow.

Auron’s eyes went wide with surprise. “Haven’t you ever heard of history?”

“…I never went to school,” Trent said sheepishly.

“Wh—how did that happen?” Auron asked, nearly choking on his food with surprise.

“We were homeless even before my parents died. They never made me go; probably couldn’t have even if they tried. Then they died. It’s pretty straightforward.”

“Ah… right. I see.”

“I know that feeling,” Cloud said.

“Do you?” Trent asked snidely, as if it was impossible for the blonde to relate.

“Yeah. I didn’t learn to read until a couple years ago. I never went to school either.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Huh. Who taught you? Him?” the younger inmate asked, pointing to Auron. Cloud shook his head.

“…My Carrier did.”

“Oh yeah. The rest of the guys were saying you were a Charge. I forgot. I wish I had a Carrier to teach me stuff. I could live in that big fancy farm or whatever on the hill, too.”

“Well…” Cloud said, making a thoughtful face. “He could probably teach you too. I have all the lessons on my tablet still. Don’t know when you’d be able to listen to them, though.”

“Really? You’d let me see them?” Trent asked, his eyes lighting up.

“If we can figure out a decent time to do it, sure. I don’t see why not,” the blonde said with a shrug. He looked to Auron. “Or is that a bad idea?”

“I don’t care what you do with your time, but you have to remember that you have your own schoolwork to do and you both have other work as well. I’m not sure if you’re allowed to just hand off your tablet, either. The likelihood of regular and stable lessons is minimal.”

“I suppose we can try to squeeze as much as we can into mealtimes. Can’t promise much, though,” Cloud said.

“I’ll try real hard!” Trent squeaked.

“Okay. You can start tomorrow.”

\---------------------

That evening, after dinner, Cloud found himself being escorted out of his cell and into a part of the prison he didn’t even know existed. Administration and security offices flanked him on either side, and as he passed, he could see quite a few guards and people in business casual dress. Everyone had at least a desk and a terminal to use, but the rooms with the guards tended to have a wall of monitors to watch as well. Brief glances of prisoners going about their days played out on the screens, reiterating to him that he was never really alone whenever he thought he was. It was a humbling reminder that he tucked into the back of his mind for later reference.

He was brought to a large carpeted office and was told to sit in a nearby armchair and be quiet. Not in the mood to argue, the blonde did as he was told. The metal desk in front of him was enormous and housed a large terminal monitor as well as a host of papers and a couple tablets. The entire wall behind it was covered with filing cabinets. Everything was very well organized, but there was so much of it that it seemed chaotic on the surface. It was then that the blonde realized he hadn’t seen a piece of paper since he left his plane. Seeing it now seemed somewhat surreal, and he wondered when people decided it was relevant to use the archaic documentation and when it wasn’t.

Cloud and his escort weren’t alone for very long. The door opened behind him and he turned to see a very stern looking woman enter the room with another file tucked under her arm. Similarly to Susan, she was very tall and had very sharp angular features. Her build wasn’t as bulky as the nurse, but she didn’t look like she would blow away in a strong wind, either. She wore a black pencil skirt with the proper accompanying blazer, white undershirt, and the biggest stiletto heels Cloud had ever seen in his life. Her glossy ebony hair was pulled back into a neat and meticulously kept bun and each and every follicle was perfectly set in its place.

Walking around to the chair behind the desk, the woman dropped her file on the work surface and began taking her jacket off. She draped it over the back of the chair before she began unbuttoning what Cloud had assumed was a singular blouse. Before he could get carried away believing the woman was abruptly stripping for him, he saw she was actually wearing an armored vest behind the buttons with a simple white t-shirt underneath that. She sat after the blouse joined her blazer on the back of her chair.

“Ever wear a stab vest before?” she asked, her voice firm and meaningful.

“Er… no?” Cloud guessed.

“Good. Don’t ever do it. They’re really hot and uncomfortable,” the woman concluded. She leaned to the side and opened a drawer in the desk to retrieve a hinged case. Opening it, she produced a pair of small framed reading glasses and put them on before flipping open the file she had brought in with her. “You’re Cloud, right?” she asked.

“Yes?”

“Is that a question or an answer?”

“Both. If Cloud’s in trouble, I don’t want to be him. If he isn’t, then I can be,” the blonde said. Her presence was somewhat nerve wracking and his palms were beginning to sweat. It was a very strange feeling for him. The woman stared at him with a serious expression before shaking her head with a sigh.

“Funny guy,” she said in a way that gave Cloud the impression that he really wasn’t.

“Sorry,” he said, folding his hands in his lap.

“You’re just lucky I have a sense of humor.”

 _Do you really?_ He asked her mentally.

“Anyway, hello. I’m Warden Lundquist, if you haven’t already guessed.”

“I had my suspicions. Hi. I don’t actually know why I’m here. Is this about punching Susan?” Cloud asked.

“No. I wanted to make something of it but she insisted she was fine and it wasn’t necessary. Thank her next time you see her; if she hadn’t stopped me, your ass would be in solitary.”

“Oh. I will do so.”

The Warden folded her hands on her desk and leaned forward, setting dark icy eyes on him. “I don’t care how sick you are. You lay a hand on her again, and I _will_ make sure you’re turned into mulch for the front flower beds. Is that clear?” she asked. Cloud could feel the rage radiating off of her though her demeanor was eerily calm.

“Yes,” he said, slouching a bit in his seat to try and escape her gaze. It didn’t work.

“Good,” the woman said, letting out a breath. She sat back and returned to her file. “We’re actually here because I have a proposition for you,” she said.

“Oh,” the blonde said.

“Yes. Word through the grapevine says you’ve offered the young Mr. Nichols the opportunity to learn to read. That’s very generous of you.”

“Ah… yeah. I did. Should I not have?”

“I’ll leave that for you to decide. It’s my understanding that he’s very irritating to be around. You may have just volunteered to a sentence full of annoying banter for all I know. At any rate, I don’t believe it’s a fundamentally bad thing, and that’s where I would like your assistance. I’m more than aware of Mr. Nichols’ fascination with my facility and I also know his history. The appeal of being here versus homelessness is understandable. However, his methods of artificially prolonging his sentence in order to stay here are going to give him more trouble than it’s worth. He only has two more strikes before he’s shipped off a stricter facility, and if he continues his issues there, he’ll end up in maximum security. For someone as ignorant as he is, that’s a death sentence. He wouldn’t last.”

“What do you want me to do about it? So long as you feed him and give him a bed to sleep in, this place will always be better than homelessness. There’s nothing I can do about that,” Cloud said.

“No, but you can try and help him understand the value of making an effort to finish his sentence here instead of trying to stay. Teaching him how to read would be an important step in doing that. I’m willing to rearrange your schedules so that part of your work hours would allow you to tutor him.”

“I think you’re overestimating my ability, here. I was just going to let him use the lessons I used to learn to read. My Carrier made them and I just followed his instruction. I don’t actually have to know-how to teach someone.”

“That doesn’t matter. I’m not going to allow you to just hand off your tablet to a prisoner who isn’t authorized to use it. Even if you just sit with him while he does the lessons so that he behaves and does what he’s supposed to, we can call that tutoring. You’ll be supervised by a guard, obviously, but that doesn’t negate the problem of giving a piece of powerful equipment to someone who shouldn’t have it. I’m not going to go out of my way to teach my staff whatever system the Carrier projects use for their lesson keeping so the guards can take your place; I’m not that invested in this idea. If we can do this as simply as possible and get a decent result, then that is all I’m willing to do. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter to me what Mr. Nichols does, but I’m not so heartless that I’d let an opportunity like this fly by without at least trying for a solution. But that would require your cooperation.”

“Okay, but what does this do for me? Or is this just a way for me to be less bored?”

“What would you want in return?”

Cloud answered without hesitation. “I need to see my Carrier. Or talk to him. I don’t care how; in person, on the phone, a shorter sentence, whatever. But I need to see him.”

“Ah, if only it was that simple. My job is to keep you here, keep you healthy, and keep you safe. Everything pertaining to your Carrier and anything outside these walls is up to the Technicians and the courts. I’ve been given strict guidelines for how to handle your sentence and unfortunately communication with your Carrier is very restricted. Basically nonexistent; but it’s mostly for his benefit than yours. I have no idea what would happen if he decided he wanted to see you, but your ability to talk to him is hanging on how damaged he is. If he recovers well enough to convince the Technicians he’s okay to see you, then they might let him do so. But given my experience with Charges in the past that is rarely the case. The most I would be able to do is tell them about your good behavior. You can hope they relay that to your Carrier and then he might decide to see you based on that.”

“Damn it,” the blonde grumbled, running a hand over his face. He slumped in his seat, letting his head settle against the low back of the chair and staring up at the ceiling.

“Let this be a lesson in why you shouldn’t break things that aren’t meant to be broken.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Should I consider this a ‘no’ then? Or is there something else you’d like?”

“Twenty virgins and a castle in the sky.”

“Fresh out of those, sorry.”

“Then no. There isn’t anything else. I’ll still do it, though; I was going to anyway. I don’t really understand why this would make him value finishing his sentence, though. It’s not like I’m going to turn him into a brain surgeon this way.”

“Maybe if he sees this as a step toward being able to get a job so he can support himself, he’d be okay with leaving. It doesn’t take a college degree to sweep floors somewhere, but he does need to be educated enough to at least fill out an application,” the Warden explained.

“I guess.”

“If that’s all, I’ll have you go back to your cell. I’ll rearrange your schedule and have you start working with Mr. Nichols tomorrow evening. Sound good?”

“Yeah,” Cloud sighed.

“Fantastic. You’re excused,” the Warden said, briefly motioning to the door.

As he left with his escort, a sense of doom fell over Cloud. He didn’t have a real idea of what damage he had done to Leon and he doubted his Carrier’s willingness to see him. That would make for a long sentence of stewing in his sins without hope of finding a solution. He sighed heavily, depression pulling on his mentality. The irony behind his situation wasn’t lost on him. He had ignored Leon for most of their time together but now the brunette was all he could think about; he actually wanted to get to know him now.

“I didn’t realize you were the one who gave Susan that shiner,” the guard with him said.

“Ah, yeah,” the blonde muttered. “Wasn’t feeling like myself that day. The Warden obviously wasn’t very impressed, either.”

“Well, yeah, of course she wasn’t. Susan’s her wife!”

Cloud stopped walking and stared at the other man with wide eyes. “Wait, what?”

“You didn’t know?” the guard asked.

“No! I never even considered two women getting married before,” Cloud said.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. That didn’t happen where I came from,” the Charge grumbled. He sighed, running his hand through his hair. “Fuck. No wonder she was so angry.”

“She gets upset when the rest of us get hurt, too, but she took that one a little personally,” the guard said. He nudged Cloud and motioned forward to encourage him to keep walking.

The blonde returned to his cell with a heavy heart. He could feel his sanity slowly slipping into the abyss. If he was honest with himself, he hadn’t really believed he would find a solution for his concerns before his sentence was up. However, he was finding it increasingly difficult to believe that he would _ever_ be able to make things right again, which was much worse. He agreed with Auron. It was too soon to make rational decisions, and he should wait before he committed to anything drastic, but that didn’t help him feel better in the short term. Any optimism that was hiding in the recesses of his mentality was dwindling.

“Question for you,” he said once he and Auron were alone in their cell again.

The older Charge put his tablet down and gave the blonde his attention. “What’s that?”

“Please don’t think I’m stupid for this,” Cloud prefaced, taking a seat on his bed. “But I’ve never actually considered this before even though it kind of seems dumb not to. What is the term for two ladies in a relationship? I had no idea the Warden and Susan are married. Shit like that didn’t happen where I’m from.”

“First of all, why is it shit?”

“It’s not. I’m just cranky.”

“Okay. They’re lesbians,” Auron said simply. “You’ve never heard of that? Really?”

“Like I said, I realize it sounds dumb to not have considered it before but the women in my country were either forced into having children or were with men or both. If they had any interest in other women, I never saw it.”

“Well that’s… odd.”

“It’s not to me. The fact that it happens here is odd to me. Two men having a relationship was outright illegal. You could lose your citizenship that way. I have no idea if it was the same for women. It might’ve been,” Cloud said.

“That’s so backwards,” Auron sighed. “So should I assume you were taught to be a bigot? You didn’t just have a bad experience with another man? Weren’t raped or beaten or anything?”

“…No. I wasn’t. Not that I remember anyway,” the blonde admitted. He was quiet for a moment as a thought crept into his head. “If a bad experience is enough to become a bigot I wonder why Leon was able to have a relationship with a man after everything I did to him.”

“Everyone’s different. To me, having a bad experience is a better reason to become a bigot than being taught to. Trauma in any form isn’t good and if you go through that, people are more understanding and sympathetic if you react badly to something out of fear. Being an asshole just because someone told you to isn’t quite a legitimate excuse.”

“I… I guess,” Cloud said hesitantly.

“Anyway, what did the Warden want from you?” Auron asked.

“She told me she’s going to rearrange the work schedules so I can teach Trent how to read.”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

“I guess.”

“You don’t want to?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. I don’t feel like doing much other than sleeping, so just about everything else seems like a chore,” the blonde muttered. He lay down and hugged his pillow to his face.

“Well, you can do that.”

“I’ll try. Will probably have to wait for Susan to come around again, though.”

“I’m sure she’ll let us know when she’s here. Try to rest for now, though.”


	90. Chapter 90

Chapter 90

“Holy shit,” Reno said as he entered Leon’s lab. He and Rude were switching watch shifts with Joshua and Neku, and he had assumed it was going to be another boring day. But judging by the amount of plastic shipping crates that had suddenly appeared in the lab, he was second guessing his assumption.

“What?” Leon asked, elbows deep in a crate filled with packing peanuts. He had been shuffling around and had barely heard the redhead’s exclamation.

“What is all this?” Reno asked. Rude started wandering around the space to curiously look over the plethora of boxes and machines.

“Research equipment,” the brunette said. “I put in a request for some and the Technicians were more than happy to overload me with it. I don’t even know what half of these are.”

“How many machines did they send you?”

“I think there’s only six or seven of them but a lot of these boxes have the instruments and supplies to use them. I’m only interested in the spectrometers, really.”

“What’re you testing?”

“What those flowers are made of,” Leon said, motioning to the wilting purple pile on his exam table.

“Ah yes. My new favorite snack,” the redhead said. He scooped up a handful of the foliage and took them to Rude. His Charge leaned in and gave them a light sniff. Although withered, their scent was still pleasant. Furrowing his brows together, Rude took the plants and continued to smell them, settling the petals against his nose.

“Hm,” he hummed thoughtfully.

“Like them?” Reno asked.

“Yeah. A lot,” Rude said.

“What do they smell like to you? They don’t smell like much to me. A bit sweet, but not much else.”

“Grass and lilac.”

“Yeah? Both of those are tasty.”

“Never tried them,” Rude mumbled, his nose still against the pistils.

Reno laughed at bit and went to go inspect more of the equipment. Rude eventually managed to pull himself away from the flowers and set them back with the rest. The Charge milled around with Reno, seemingly innocently. After about ten minutes of peace, Leon ducked into the storage closet at the back of his lab. Rude snuck closer to Reno and came up behind him. The redhead let out a surprised snort when he suddenly felt an oblong lump press up against his ass. He visibly startled and turned around, only to then have his face grasped between Rude’s hands as he was pulled into a kiss. It was an assertive move, but not forceful. Reno was more than happy to oblige his Charge and readily wrapped his arms around the other’s neck.

“Is this a subtle way of telling me we shouldn’t have left the bedroom today?” the redhead murmured quietly.

“I’m not sure. You’d think I’d be set for the day after this morning,” Rude whispered.

“Hey, I’m not going to complain. I’m always ready for you.”

“Yeah… but what about Leon?”

“Ah, right. Hm,” Reno said thoughtfully. He reached between them and ran his fingers along his Charge’s very obvious arousal. “Oh wow, Rude. What brought this on?” he asked, furrowing his brows together.

“I’m not sure,” Rude grumbled, pulling his pelvis back just enough to escape Reno’s fingers. “Please don’t touch unless you’re going to do something about it. It’s… actually sort of painful.”

“I wish I could do something about it, but, Leon…” the redhead trailed with a tiny frown.

Just then, the aforementioned brunette emerged from the supply closet, Petri dishes in tow. “Oh don’t mind me, this is only my workspace that you have no business fondling each other in,” he grumbled.

“Sorry. Apparently Rude has a serious thing for packing peanuts,” Reno said, hugging his Charge tightly so his pelvis was shielded. Rude buried his face in his the side of the Carrier’s neck.

“Thanks. As if this isn’t bad enough,” the Charged grumbled with embarrassment.

Leon sighed. “I promise I won’t take a scalpel to my throat if you want to take care of yourselves,” he said.

“I don’t know…” Reno said hesitantly.

“You have Cloud’s watch, right? Just go,” his friend insisted.

“You’re sure? You promise you won’t do anything you shouldn’t?

“I promise.”

“Well… okay,” the redhead agreed hesitantly. He turned to his Charge. “Just a quickie, alright?”

“Yeah,” Rude agreed, heading for the door immediately after.

Reno bid his brief goodbyes and followed after him. Though enticing, his Charge’s behavior was very strange. It wasn’t as if Rude never initiated sex. He did, but it was usually when they were alone and he could take his time. Reno had never seen him be so aggressive before. He wasn’t going to deny Rude, but he was apprehensive. If he had been feeling like himself, there was no way his Charge would shirk their responsibility of watching Leon to have sex. Something was off, and Reno sincerely wanted to know what it was.

Leon spent his time alone focusing on his work. It was nice to have solitude after so much chaos, and having something to occupy his mind made it all the better. He pushed everything he wasn’t going use into one corner of the lab and brought the equipment he thought was useful over to the exam table to set it up. The spectrometers the Technicians had sent him were smaller variants of their larger cousins but they would serve his purposes just fine. He could use them to break down and examine the varying parts of the plants and anything that was familiar would be found. There was a large possibility of finding compounds and elements that didn’t exist in his home plane that the machines wouldn’t identify, but that didn’t deter him.

Reno returned almost an hour later with damp hair. Leon kept his word and didn’t do anything he wasn’t supposed to, but was still shocked when the redhead didn’t come back as quickly as he said he would. When he did arrive, Reno seemed to be in a daze. The brunette furrowed his brows together and watched his friend clomp over to the exam table, sit down, and rest his head on the surface. Reno sucked in a deep breath afterward and stayed quiet. There were no greetings, no pleasantries, and no conversation starters. Leon was concerned, but tried not to let his suspicions get the better of him.

“That was an awful long time for a quickie. What an obscene amount of stamina,” he remarked, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Have you ever heard of ‘edging’?” Reno mumbled.

“Like when you take a spade to the threshold of a flower bed and chop away excess grass and buildup to give it a nice edge?” Leon guessed.

“Not that kind of edging.”

“Ah, then no. I haven’t.”

“It’s where you bring someone (or yourself) up to the edge of orgasm and then back off so they don’t and then repeat the process until you can’t stand it anymore.”

“That sounds cruel.”

“I suppose it could be, but when the orgasm _does_ happen, you could blast a hole through a brick wall it’s so intense.”

“Should I be concerned that the structural integrity of Cloud’s bedroom has been compromised because of this?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll let maintenance know,” Leon said blandly. He had loaded a wheeled cart with the flowers and easy-to-grab supply items and kept it near the equipment setup he had around the table. Reaching over, he grabbed a couple of wilting flowers and separated the head from the stem and tossed the colorful bundles into a mortar. He then started grinding them with the accompanying pestle.

“Joking aside, I have no idea what came over Rude. I wish I did; I’d do it more often.”

“Does he not satisfy you enough? You need a method to make him do more for you?”

“No, no, no, it’s not like that,” Reno said. Sitting up some, he balanced his elbow on table and his chin in his palm. “I told you before that he’s not very good at fucking. He’s a lover. Random unabashed wild sex isn’t his thing even though he’s very good at satisfying. He’s just… subdued, I guess.”

“And that’s… good?”

“Yeah, it is. But every now and I again I sort of wish he would go out of his mind and fuck me into oblivion, you know?”

“Reno, this conversation is going places I didn’t intend for it to go.”

“Yeah, I know, but hear me out for a second. What happened just now is basically what I’ve been looking for and… I have no idea how to replicate it. We’ve never done edging before, and I don’t know if he even gets that’s there a term for it. I think he was just in some weird mood where he wanted to be aggressive and that’s what came of it. It was really amazing.”

“Good for you,” Leon said, already sounding tired of the topic.

“Sorry. I know you didn’t really want to know, but this is such an anomaly that I had to tell someone. It took so long because we had a nap afterward and then I got in the shower so I didn’t assault you with my musk.”

“I can appreciate that.”

“I don’t know what you guys smell like after that much exertion, but god forbid if two or three of my kin are in the same proximity afterward; it’s like mustard gas. People’s faces melt.”

“How pleasant.”

“I don’t mind it. You probably would, though.”

“Probably.”

“Anyway, thanks for indulging us and behaving yourself.”

“You’re welcome, mom. Glad I could be a good boy for you,” Leon said.

“Hey, I’m being serious. I’m leaving tomorrow, you know? It helps me feel better knowing I can turn my back and not feel like I’m asking for your death.”

“I know. Forgive my facetiousness but I still hate that I’m in this situation in the first place so making a big deal out of something that’s supposed to be normal is less encouraging than I’m sure you meant it to be,” the brunette grumbled.

“I can agree with that,” Reno said. He stood from his seat and walked around the plethora of equipment to make it to Leon’s side. Sliding his arms around the other’s waist, he hugged his friend tightly and leaned against him. In response, Leon reclined back against his chest.

“Well, now I’m _really_ appreciative of that shower.”

Reno laughed a bit and nuzzled the back of the brunette’s neck. “You’re welcome,” he said. They shared a brief comfortable silence. “Will you miss me when I’m gone?”

“Of course. Who else is going to keep the other side of my bed warm?”

“Tifa’s a pretty good alternative. Zack too.”

“Eh…”

“Not good enough?”

“I still have mixed feelings about Tifa at the moment.”

“Ah, right. I don’t blame you.”

“Zack is fine, though.”

“Yeah he is. Have you seen his butt?”

“Not naked, no. Is it as nice as Cloud’s?”

“Tifa’s ass isn’t even as nice as Cloud’s, okay? Which is a crime. It’s a waste of an ass. That said, I would totally fuck it if he’d let me.”

“Yes I know.”

“If Cloud decided he was okay with it, would you take advantage of that ass?”

Leon stopped smashing the flowers with the pestle and gave the question some serious thought. It was such a ridiculous one, but it was one he hadn’t considered. The scenario was completely unrealistic and would never happen, so he had no reason to. But, if by some cosmic miracle, his Charge did suddenly decide to roll over for him, would he partake? The idea of Cloud being near him in general was still terrifying. He had become so accustomed to the feeling that he couldn’t comprehend his life being any other way. Even in a hypothetical situation it was incomprehensible. That said, Reno had stated several years ago that Cloud and Zell looked very similar from behind; Cloud was just taller. Leon couldn’t deny that truth, and if he was able to, he would totally fuck Zell again. So he supposed, from an aesthetic standpoint, he could make do with Cloud if he had the option to.

“I don’t know,” he said, settling for the most comfortable answer. In the end, despite how nice the ass was, it was still attached to Cloud. His Charge was an impossible relationship goal regardless of how deep that relationship went.

“I didn’t mean for you to give it such serious thought, you know. I was joking,” Reno said, unsettled by how quiet Leon had gotten.

“Sorry. My mind got a little carried away with the question.”

“Yeah? In a good way?”

“I’m not sure? I mean, I’m not very good at hypothetical questions so I immediately thought about how unrealistic it was. But, I guess if we’re just focusing on looks, I’d take advantage of it if he’d let me.”

“You guess?”

“Yeah. Is that a bad answer?”

“No, not necessarily, but your tone is very lackluster. I was hoping for more of a gossipy conversation.”

“Sorry,” Leon mumbled.

“It’s okay. I guess it was a bit of a bad question anyway,” Reno said. Reaching up, he pulled the brunette’s face around and peppered his cheek with quick kisses.

“No, it was fine. I just… need to work on getting over my issues before I can gossip about asses and relationships. Or the lack thereof,” the brunette muttered.

“I suppose my going on about Rude didn’t help that much. I’m sorry. I’ll keep it to myself next time.”

“It’s fine. You don’t have to censor yourself because of me. Like I said: I just need to get over it.”

“How do you plan on doing that?”

Leon shrugged. “No idea. I’m sure it’ll happen by itself eventually.”

“You’re sure about that?”

“Sure. It’s how it’s always been. Works okay so far,” the feline Carrier said. He resumed grinding the flowers, effectively putting the conversation to bed.

“…If you say so,” Reno said hesitantly. He wanted to argue with Leon, but he couldn’t think of anything constructive to say. It was easy to tell his friend to not commit suicide, and he could shower the brunette with affection, but the ultimate reality was that he had no real solution to offer. Threatening Cloud into submission was fine for the meantime, but anything beyond that was a mystery to him.

\------------

The next day, Demetrius and Adam appeared at the facility by mid morning. Reno wasn’t mentally prepared enough to jump in the car and leave Leon’s side, so he didn’t meet them out front. He sent Rude, who brought them in and escorted them to the brunette’s room. By this point, most of Leon’s bruising had healed and he only had some mild discoloration under his eyes where the blemishes had been the most severe. He still didn’t want to be seen by people, but he knew he couldn’t avoid them forever. That didn’t stop him from clinging to Reno in his bed, though.

“Ooo, are we having a naked party?” Demetrius asked cheerfully when Rude let him into the room. The redhead was lying with his bare back to the door and had Leon’s arms wrapped around his middle; the rest of the brunette was shielded, and they were both under the covers. Reno craned his neck much as he could and looked behind him at his cousin.

“Not one you can join,” he said.

Demetrius frowned. “You’re no fun,” he pouted. He sniffed a bit, taking in the sweet aroma that filtered through the room. “Were you smoking?”

“Maybe,” Reno said.

“And you didn’t wait for me? I’m crushed.”

“Sorry. Didn’t think about it at the time.”

“Hm,” the older cousin hummed thoughtfully. He made his way around the bed, expecting to see Leon acknowledge him and say hello. The brunette did no such thing and kept his face buried against Reno’s chest.

Little did either bovine Carrier know, Leon’s anxiety was at a record high. The idea of Reno leaving and having to interact with people again was much more terrifying than he thought it would be. He hadn’t made an attempt to mentally prepare himself because he thought he was okay. The crushing reality was hard to comprehend. Without comment, Reno pulled the blanket up higher and hugged his friend close. The brunette’s mind was slowly swirling into a pit of repetitive paranoia that he saw no escape from.

 _I can’t let anyone see me. They’re going to think I’m so pathetic .Not worth their time. Not worth their kindness. How can they stand to be near me? I’m so ugly. Dirty,_ he thought.

“Did you get the stuff I asked you to?” Reno asked, looking to his cousin. Demetrius watched Leon curiously.

“Yeah. Adam has it.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re going to pay me back for it, right?”

“Of course.”

“Good,” Demetrius said. He crossed his arms over his chest and looked Leon over carefully. “Are you okay to leave him?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Technically yes. But they aren’t good ones. You could stay and risk the Technicians figuring out you’ve been gone, or you can go home and make sure they don’t. Is he asleep?”

“No. He hasn’t been very responsive this morning. I’m worried.”

“Did he smoke anything with you?”

“Some, but it didn’t help.”

“Well you obviously need to get him tanked, then.”

“Dude, this really isn’t something I can joke about. I’m seriously worried,” Reno said, reaching up to comb his fingers through Leon’s hair.

“I’m okay,” the brunette murmured quietly, his tone empty. It was an obvious lie.

“I don’t think you are,” the redhead said.

“I will be. It’s okay,” the brunette insisted. He nudged himself back from Reno’s chest, pulling the blanket up to cover his scarred front in the process. It took a monumental amount of effort, but he was able to slowly push himself up. Demetrius frowned at him, though Leon wasn’t paying enough attention to notice. The empty and blank expression the feline Carrier wore was surreal and somewhat  concerning to him. Leon glanced at him briefly.

“Good morning,” the stranger said to him with a kind smile.

“Hello. Sorry. I should probably be dressed and presentable,” Leon said.

“Sugar, I’m the last person you need to be concerned about being presentable for. If Reno wasn’t such a spoilsport, I’d get in there and cuddle you both.”

“Really? We just met,” the brunette asked confusedly.

“So? You look like you could use some love. I have a lot of that to give and I’m willing to share.”

“Is your whole family like this?” Leon asked, glancing at Reno. The redhead shrugged.

“More or less,” he said simply.

“I can see where you get it from very easily.”

“We get that a lot,” Reno said with a small smile. He looked to Demetrius. “When do we need to leave?”

“Well, Adam and I have to meet up with Judas by eight o’clock tonight. So if we leave by four, we should be okay. It’ll give us some time to get dressed.”

“Dressed? For what?”

“Judas and Nathaniel want us to go to a dance class with them. We agreed a while ago,” Demetrius said with a tiny sigh. “I sort of regret it. It’s a good excuse to rub up against Adam in really tight pants but it’s still such a _chore_. Ugh.”

“What kind of dance is it?”

“Flamenco.”

“Fla-what?” Reno asked confusedly, scrunching his face up.

“Flamenco. It’s Spanish.”

“I’m… vaguely aware of what a Spanish is.”

“Not _a_ Spanish. Just Spanish. As in: from Spain.”

“It’s a country that used to be a part of western Europe,” Leon interjected.

“ _Oh._ We’re talking pre-war stuff, okay,” Reno concluded.

“You know how much a history nerd Judas is. Blame it on him,” Demetrius said.

“I do. What does Nathaniel say about it?”

“Well, Nathaniel gets to wear the dress, so he’s okay with it I guess. Flamenco works best with a male and female pair but they’ll have to improvise with what they have.”

“Are you going to wear the dress for you and Adam? Or are you going to make him wear it?”

“Neither of us are. We’re going because we agreed to go, not because we actually want to.”

“Why did you agree to go, then?”

“Because it was over a month ago and we didn’t think Judas was serious. We also didn’t think there would be an instructor in the dome because… why would there be? They called our bluff.”

“Sucks for you.”

“Eh, hopefully it’s fun. We’re only doing it this one time unless it’s really amazing.”

“I want video evidence of this.”

“We might do that, but don’t get your hopes up.”

“I’ll try,” Reno said. He heaved a deep sigh and pushed himself up. Glancing at Leon, he took in the brunette’s sullen demeanor with a heavy heart. He didn’t want to leave, but he knew he needed to. It took every ounce of his willpower to make that decision, and it was extremely painful. Shuffling off the bed, he went to retrieve a pair of jeans and pulled them on. He then made his way to the door.

“Hey,” Rude said when his Carrier emerged from the bedroom. He and Adam were across the hallway making small talk.

“Hi,” Reno said gloomily. Adam handed off a black cloth satchel to him with a wavering smile.

“How is he?” the tall Charge asked.

“Not great. I wish we could stay for another month.”

“Ah. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Me too. Thanks for this,” the redhead said, giving the satchel a wiggle.

“No problem.”

Demetrius exited from the bedroom door with a solemn thoughtful face. Reno always understood his older cousin to be a happy person, so any time Demetrius wore a serious expression, it usually meant there was something important going on. Concerned, the redhead went to him expecting his cousin to say that Leon had said something strange or suicide related, but Demetrius didn’t say anything at first. After a moment of contemplation, he spoke.

“How long has he been like this?” the older cousin asked.

“Like what? Sad?” Reno asked.

“Sure.”

“Only the last couple weeks.”

“Really? He seems much more practiced than that.”

“What do you mean?”

“His coping mechanisms are pretty solid for someone with acute trauma. Did you not see how he’s just… shut down?”

“I did say he wasn’t really responsive today, didn’t I?”

“Right, but this feels like more of a persistent problem with how easily he can cut himself off from expression like that. That takes a lot of practice.”

“Well… he’s always been sort of dumpy, and he has a lot of reasons to be upset, but he hasn’t been this bad for a while. That’s why I want to stay.”

“Why? So you can fix him?”

“To… help him?” Reno guessed, furrowing his brows together. “Why are you asking me this? I feel like I’m about to be punished for being concerned about him.”

“I see two problems here, Reno,” Demetrius said, his tone stony and unlike his normal bright character. “Leon is very depressed, and you’re not experienced enough to help him like you think you can. I don’t want you to think you’re properly equipped to handle this and then have to leave feeling like you can do something more than what you’ve already done. Going home with that attitude is a surefire way to get you in trouble when your work suffers because of the distraction.”

“I don’t understand where you’re coming from with this. I’ll be fine,” Reno insisted.

“I don’t think you will be. I want you to internalize the fact that there isn’t anything else you can do here.”

“But I _can_ do more—“

“No. No you can’t.”

“What the fuck do you know about this that I don’t? You have no idea what’s happening here,” the redhead spat angrily.

Demetrius held up a hand, silencing his cousin’s protests. “I know much more than you think I do. Adam?”

“Hm?” his Charge queried.

“Do you mind if I explain?”

“Nope. Go ahead.”

“Okay,” the older Carrier said. He turned his attention back to Reno. “Adam has been taking medication for depression since he came home with me.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s not exactly something we advertize, but it does mean I’ve got a lot more experience with the condition than you do. Hundreds of years more, in fact. So shut up and listen to me.”

“…Okay,” Reno said hesitantly.

“You’re not going to fix Leon. You don’t have the capacity to. Chronic depression is a problem that never really goes away, and unless you’re going to stay here and live with him, whatever help you offer is extremely temporary. Once you leave and a day or two passes, he’ll go back to whatever condition he was in before you got here. It sucks. It hurts. And after a while it makes you feel like you shouldn’t even try anymore, but it’s true. Believe me.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because you’re going to come home and be upset that you’re separated. That’s understandable, but I want you to be completely aware of how this situation is going to operate so you’re not blindsided by it.”

“What do you propose I do, then? Stay?”

“No. That would be stupid. The only person who can help him right now is himself. Why do you think the Technicains only offer suicide watch? The only thing we can really do is make sure he doesn’t die. He will eventually have to decide for himself if he’s strong enough to get up and be functional again. It might take a while.”

“So should I just give up on him? Assume he’s too broken to be my friend anymore? Because that’s what it sounds like you’re saying.”

“No. Not at all. Offer as much support as you can reasonably give and listen to him when he wants to talk. You can continue on like you have been. Just know that you won’t be the solution to his problem no matter how much love you throw at him. That’s all I’m saying.”

“So you’re saying you weren’t the solution to Adam’s problem?” Reno asked, motioning to the aforementioned Charge. Adam cleared his throat, pulling the redhead’s attention to him.

“My problem hasn’t been solved. No matter what we do together, how much medication I take, or how happy Demetrius makes me, I still have weeks where getting out of bed is a real struggle. He responds by just staying with me and being around if I need him to. He doesn’t treat me like a charity case, he doesn’t insist on a solution, and he doesn’t offer suggestions unless I ask for them. That sort of reaction is extremely helpful for letting me move past the mood and get back to normal. I’m not constantly being told I’m wrong for feeling like I do, or that I’m broken, or inadequate. Just sitting with me is enough. But you can’t do that in this situation, Reno, and you won’t ever be able to. Coming to terms with that is extremely important for your own mental health,” Adam said.

“So what _will_ help him, then? There aren’t medications for Carriers like there are for humans,” Reno asked.

Demetrius shrugged. “Consistency usually helps, in my experience. Therapy sometimes does, but I’ve talked with a lot of people and most of them have said that it only worked for them after they moved past the initial hump. Most doctors won’t see patients more than once a week, and like I said, unless the help is there all the time, the problems usually revert back to what they were and the cycle starts again. Ultimately, it’s up to the patient to decide for themselves if they want the help and if they can make a change. Then it comes down to figuring out what help is best. Forcing it before that point doesn’t benefit anyone. Has Leon said anything about what he wants?”

“He doesn’t really know what he wants anymore. If everything magically fixed itself, he’d probably be happier, but I don’t think he has an idea of what else to do otherwise. He is seeing someone though. A mutual friend of ours called in another friend who’s a councilor. So there is that.”

“That’s good. How often do they see him?”

“Twice a week.”

“Even better. Hopefully they can figure out something for Leon to do to cope that’s comfortable for him. A third party is good for that.”

“I guess…”

Demetrius closed the gap between them and pulled Reno into a comforting hug. “I’m not trying to upset you, and I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just worried that you’ll be hurt more when you realize the truth later on. I wish someone would’ve told me when Adam and I started working through his issues. Love and support him as much as you can, but don’t expect to fix him or for the struggle to stop, okay?”

“Okay,” the redhead sighed. He pulled back from his cousin and glanced over his shoulder at Adam. “Can I ask why you’re depressed? If it’s too personal, it’s okay, but I’m curious.”

Adam shrugged. “My father was very abusive. Everyone in my immediate family had the same color eyes except for me. I didn’t look exactly like my siblings and I grew up thinking that I was a product of an affair my mother had. I didn’t find out until after I crossed over with Demetrius that my great grandmother gave me my eyes, but by then it didn’t matter. My people were very technologically deficient compared to this plane so they had no idea about genetics or what DNA was. My father only understood that my eyes were an oddity and that meant my mother had been unfaithful. So, I was automatically deemed the black sheep so to speak.”

“I see.”

“That’s why Demetrius and I believe that chronic depression never really goes away. Everyone has their days or a week where they feel off and don’t want to do anything, but for the people that have it last for months or years, it sticks with them. It’s been centuries since I interacted with my father and to this day I still have huge spans of time where I fight to function like a normal person does. I have zero reason to be this way now, but I am. It doesn’t mean that I’m never happy or that I hate life, it just means I have to remind myself of the good things I have more often than most people do. It’s just the way I am.”

“I see,” Reno repeated.

“Does that make sense?” Demetrius asked.

“It does, I just hate it,” the redhead sighed.

“It’s not fun. But, we’ll help you cope with it. It’ll get better. For now, though, I think Adam, Rude, and I are going to get some lunch. We’ll come find you when it’s time to get going.”

“Okay. Um…”

“Yeah?”

“Is he really that bad that you can just look at him and know?”

“Well, his ability to not express anything is impressive, but I asked him how he was feeling when you stepped out and he told me he felt like he should be dead. That’s a little concerning. However, like I said, all we can do is make sure he doesn’t die and give him some love. The rest will come eventually even though it might take a while.”

“Right,” Reno said, seemingly distracted by his own thoughts. “Right. I’m… going to give him this thing and sit with him a while.”

“Sure. We’ll see you in a bit.”

When Reno returned to Leon’s bedroom, the brunette had buried himself under the blankets and was a barely visible lump against the mattress. With the cloth satchel in hand, the redhead wormed his way under the covers as well and used his toes to yank off his jeans. He kicked the fabric out of the bed before cuddling up to Leon’s back and hugging him tightly. His friend was quiet, and for a moment, he thought Leon had fallen asleep. But after a minute of contemplation and gathering his mental strength, the brunette sluggishly rolled over and wriggled his arms around Reno’s trunk. The redhead squeezed him tight and kissed his forehead.

“I got you a present,” Reno murmured. Leon backed away from him in time for his friend to pull the satchel up and hand it off to him.

“Why?” he asked. Scooting back, he sat up so he could open the bag comfortably.

“Because I love you and I hope it helps.”

“Thank you,” the brunette said. Inside the satchel was an elongated black metal kiseru with a red porcelain mouthpiece. With it was a bag of Zen and a piece of oblong glass with a dent in it used to hold a lit bowl up and away from any surfaces. Surprised, Leon stared at the items for a moment before looking at Reno, who wore a wide doofy grin.

“Don’t like it?” he asked.

“It’s not that, I just didn’t ever think to do this by myself. Is… is there a point where you overdose or something? I don’t know anything about this.”

“I’ve never gotten to that point before. I’ve made myself sick, but I obviously didn’t die from it. I wouldn’t do it any more than once or twice a day. Once is usually good enough to last a while.”

“Okay. Thank you. Really,” Leon said, tucking the items back in the satchel.

“I’m glad you like it. I wasn’t sure you would.”

“I do. Smoking helps me not think too much about stuff I don’t have to. It’s nice.”

“Think it’ll let you concentrate on getting better? Instead of feeling bad?”

“Maybe. I’ll have to try it when Sunny is here and see if I can take her advice more seriously. Right now, every time she tries to talk to me I get way too anxious and we don’t make any progress.”

“Well you’ve only met with her a couple times. That might just be a product of unfamiliarity. Give it a few more visits before you try experimenting with this stuff.”

“That’s a good point. Thank you. Again.”

“No problem,” Reno said, his smile genuine. Leon set the bag aside and scooted down under the covers again, hugging the redhead around his middle.

Later that afternoon, it was time to say goodbye. With teary words, Reno made Leon promise him that he would stay safe. With misty eyes, the brunette agreed to, but an overwhelming sense of foreboding fell on him as he watched Rude lead the redhead away. His security blanket was leaving him and practically forcing his mind to step forward and take responsibility for his stability. Reno wouldn’t be there to do it for him anymore. Phone calls were fine for the short term, but they were impractical when Leon felt like he needed that warm reassurance every moment he was awake.

Once Adam and Demetrius’ car was out of sight, Zack reached over and tried to reassuringly rub Leon’s back. For as much as he appreciated everyone’s efforts, the brunette didn’t find the same sort of comfort from them as he did Reno, and he wasn’t sure he could make himself learn to. Catching everyone else up to the level of familiarity he had with the redhead would be an exhausting task, and right then, it seemed too monumental to be possible. With so many unknowns surrounding his situation, Leon couldn’t focus on the positives. The only thing he could hang on to with any sort of reassurance was the promise he made to Reno to stay safe. So long as he did that, he supposed he was doing okay.

\-------------

As soon as Cloud met Trent for their first lesson together, the blonde felt he had made a huge mistake. It had nothing to do with Trent or the idea of teaching him to read. The mistake came when he realized he had been avoiding his tablet as if it was diseased and hadn’t started his own lessons yet. That in of itself didn’t bother him, but hearing Leon calm’s and slightly monotone voice again was proving to be much more difficult than he anticipated. Trent was much more excited to learn than he needed to be and didn’t notice how the color drained from his face. To avoid embarrassing himself, Cloud folded his arms on the table in front of him and rested his head on them, purposefully ignoring Trent and letting Leon do the work for him.

They were in the cafeteria. Half the lights were off, the staff was gone, everything echoed, and it was eerily quiet. The guard that had been directed to watch them was sitting a fair distance away with his own tablet and was attempting to fight the boredom and stay awake. Cloud didn’t doubt that the guards served an actual purpose, but so far his interactions with them were extremely lackluster. They didn’t seem to do anything other than follow people around and sit with them when they needed to. For what was supposed to be a prison, the facility didn’t really feel very prison-y to him. It was too civil.

“What was your Carrier’s name again?” Trent asked twenty minutes after they started.

“Leon,” Cloud mumbled.

“His voice is very… comforting? I’m not sure that’s the word for it.”

“It bores the shit out of me.”

“Aw, that’s not nice. He went through all the trouble of making this stuff for you and you call him boring? That’s a little mean, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, that’s me. A mean guy,” the blond grumbled.

“You don’t like Leon?”

“Not particularly.”

“Why not? He seems nice. Nice enough to teach you stuff.”

“Because I’m an asshole,” Cloud said flatly. He sat up and fixed a glare on his younger companion. “Look, if you’re going to sit here and interrogate me, I’ll take my tablet and leave.”

“No, don’t! I’m sorry. I was just wondering. I’m sorry,” Trent sputtered, clutching the device to his chest.

“Then just do the work and be quiet, alright?” the blonde spat.

“Sorry.”

Sighing heavily, Cloud went back to his brooding with his face on his arms. Trent was quiet for another few minutes, but there was a glaring problem with the lessons he was listening to. He didn’t want to disturb the blonde again, but there wasn’t much point to learning if the language being spoken to him was one he didn’t understand. Cloud obviously hadn’t noticed the difference but Trent surely did. The videos had been made prior to the blonde having his first stasis treatment so they were in his native tongue. Hesitantly, Trent poked Cloud on his shoulder. Crankily, the Charge looked to him.

“What?” he hissed, the latent irritation hanging on to every syllable.

“It was awful nice of you to offer to help me, but I’m not getting much out of this. I have no idea what he’s saying,” the younger prisoner said. Cloud’s anger quickly evaporated and he raised his brows.

“Oh fuck. I didn’t even notice,” he said, frowning a bit. Taking the tablet from Trent, he contemplated what he was willing to do.

“It’s okay. You tried,” the other prisoner said brightly with an encouraging smile.

“I’m not going to just let you give up on this. I can… try to teach you the stuff I guess. I’m not going to promise I’ll be any good at it, but I can try.”

“I can’t guarantee I’ll be any good at learning so it’ll be an adventure for both of us. If you’re willing to.”

“Yeah. I can try,” Cloud agreed. Grinning from ear to ear, Trent scooted closer to him to lean in to see the tablet’s display again.


	91. Chapter 91

Chapter 91

Six months later.

Cloud’s life in prison was fairly uneventful save for the fact that his mind was misbehaving. Even though his sleep schedule and daily routine were solid, his mood tended to slingshot between neutral existence and abysmal self hatred. He would go weeks where he was distracted enough to not dwell on all the reasons he was where he was, but then for a few days he would be barely functional. Auron spent most of his time trying to find ways to help the blonde cope with the crushing guilt when it decided to settle in, but until Cloud could talk to Leon, there was little progress. The system was fighting against them both, and as time crawled on, it seemed less and less likely that Cloud would be stable enough to return to the facility without some sort of emotional breakdown.

The blonde struggled with his studies. His progress with them was inconsistent at best. He could handle a few lessons at a time, but seeing Leon and hearing him talk as if nothing had happened proved to do more harm than good. The constant distraction of mental turmoil and grief kept him from really absorbing the information that was being flung at him. Similarly, he was having a hard time concentrating when it came time to help Trent learn to read. His younger companion seemed to understand things more easily than the blonde ever did, which was good, but when the teacher was constantly getting distracted, it made for stunted development.

Perhaps the most discouraging part was when Cloud had writing assignments to do. He could never get himself to focus on what he was supposed to be writing about because the opportunity to send word to Leon was too much of a draw for him. The blonde wrote pages and pages of apologies for everything he had done, pouring hours and hours and buckets of tears into them. He’d read them dozens of times before sending them off to Leon hoping that his Carrier would reply with some semblance of acknowledgement. But he never heard back.

“It’s probably the prison filtering through your messages. I’m sure they check everything before they allow it to be sent out to Leon. They probably blocked them,” Auron had told him once.

His only outlet of hope smashed, Cloud spent a week stewing in his failure. His mathematics, sciences, and reading comprehension work all came back to him graded, so he knew Leon was still paying attention. His Carrier felt so close, but was still so very very _very_ far away. The reality was excruciatingly painful to internalize, but he eventually managed to do it and stopped trying. He did his writing work as it was intended and it came back graded just as everything else had.

“How’re you feeling today?” Auron asked one morning as Cloud was returning from their tiny bathroom. The blonde didn’t respond and slowly eased himself onto his mattress, misery wafting off him like strong cologne. “Cloud?” his pseudo therapist called.

“Hm?” the blonde grunted halfheartedly.

“How’re you feeling today?” Auron repeated.

“I just… I just want to talk to him,” Cloud mumbled, the original question lost in his mental fog.

“Cloud…”

“I know… I know I don’t deserve to, but…”

“Cloud.”

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Am I really asking for too much?” Cloud asked, his words becoming less and less annunciated as the seconds ticked by.

 Concerned, Auron got up from his own bed and went to check on him. The blonde’s eyes were at half mast and unfocused. Clearly still half asleep, the younger Charge continued to mumble to himself for another minute before he drifted off again. Trapped in a cycle of medicated sleep, the scene was becoming more and more frequent as time passed. Instead of waking up completely from terrifying nightmares, Cloud’s mind had settled for looping guilt trips over and over again. The only outward reactions he could muster, though, were delirious ramblings during periods of partial lucidity; like when he had to get up to pee in the middle of the night. Otherwise, he was quiet.

Auron was beginning to feel powerless as time went on. Despite how much he talked to Cloud or how much advice he gave, the blonde continued to decline. He was functional, but only just. Some weeks, it would seem like Cloud was improving, but it never lasted. It eventually got to the point where Auron himself was losing sleep because he felt he needed to be hyper-vigilant to make sure Cloud didn’t try to hang himself. After a while, the blonde’s appetite dropped off and was close to being nonexistent.

“Something’s got to give here,” Auron insisted once they reached the seventh month of Cloud’s sentence.

“You know I don’t have any power here,” the Warden said, adjusting her reading glasses on her thin nose.

“The kid is going to shove a fork into his jugular if he doesn’t get some sort of reprieve. Soon.”

“I already submitted your claim to the Technicians last week. You’re repeating yourself, Auron.”

“All I’m asking for is a phone call.”

“I can’t do that. He isn’t authorized.”

“And if he kills himself?”

“That’d be on you, wouldn’t it? You’re supposed to be his guardian here,” the woman said snidely. She reclined back in her seat and fixed a serious gaze on the man. “Look, I understand what you’re saying, and I’m sorry this has been such a struggle for you, but I can’t bend the rules on this. If his Carrier isn’t stable enough to talk to him yet, then letting him call could undo a vital amount of healing. If his Carrier kills itself because of it, then the responsibility lies with me because I facilitated it. In this instance, his Carrier is worth more than he is. If someone is going to commit suicide, the Technicians would rather replace a Charge than a Carrier. On top of that, my understanding is that this Carrier is an original, which makes it exponentially more valuable than normal.”

“I assume you’d be exempt from any investigations if Cloud does manage to off himself, right? Your reputation would remain intact?”

“Quite the contrary. Like any inmate death, I would have to go through the same process of investigation and it’d be a black mark on my record. The only difference is that the blame would probably end up on the Technicians. I did send in a report of everything you’ve said about the situation, and if they choose to ignore it, then whatever happens will be seen as their fault even though I’d end up taking the fall for it outwardly. They have authority on this.”

“This is ludicrous,” Auron said, leaning back in his seat with a deep exasperated sigh. He ran his hands over his tired features and tried to settle his apprehension.

“You act as if you don’t understand the system.”

“Oh, I understand it just fine. I was just hoping you were a bit more compassionate than that.”

“I’m not going to apologize. I have to look out for myself and my facility before I can look out for you. I’ve done everything I can to help you. I can’t do anymore.”

“Right. Fine,” Auron grumbled.

“I’ll have you return to your cell now. And just so we’re clear: you’re not allowed to contact his Carrier either.”

Auron found himself starting to think Cloud’s recovery was a hopeless venture. Or at least, it was very likely to end up as one. He was running out of options. The best he could do was watch for any warning signs and try to prevent as much damage as he could. He had been doing that already, but they had periods where they were separated for work or when Cloud was teaching Trent. Without airing the blonde’s dirty laundry out for everyone to be aware of, Auron couldn’t ask for help. It was a scary situation for him.

Cloud wasn’t a bad kid, Auron had discovered. Sometimes cranky and unstable, but not a genuinely bad person. He was feeling the appropriate amount of guilt for the problems he caused, he wanted to change and make everything better, he spent his time helping people where he could, and the bigotry Auron had observed so long ago had almost disappeared. That didn’t mean Cloud was suddenly alright with everything he had deemed unacceptable before, but at the very least he kept it to himself. His restraint was getting better as well. The other inmates, as well as Trent, tended to grate against the blonde’s nerves, but he hadn’t retaliated since twisting Derrick’s nose in the showers so many months before. It was nice to see.

To have all that progress washed away with suicide would be a tragedy, Auron thought. He had no idea how much of the change was permanent, but if Cloud gave up before he had a chance to return to normal life, he would never figure it out. No one deserved to have that opportunity stolen from them, least of all someone who genuinely wanted to make things right again. The downward spiral was unavoidable, and the only thing Auron could do was watch.

Sixty days before Cloud could return home, Ansem stopped by the prison for a visit. Cloud didn’t know what was going on, but he was a twitchy mixture of excitement and extreme anxiousness. All he knew was that he had a visitor and he desperately hoped it was Leon. When the senior Technician rounded the corner into the visitation room, tablet in hand, Cloud’s optimism quickly deflated. His mind was immediately overwhelmed with dread and foreboding. He was anticipating being told that his Carrier decided to find a different Charge after all. Not that he could blame Leon, but the idea was still painful all the same.

“How have you been, Cloud?” Ansem asked, sitting across the table from him. The blonde had his forehead resting against the surface and was staring down at his hands in his lap.

“Just perfect. Every day is like a goddamn party complete with strippers and compliments on my ass and everything,” Cloud spat spitefully.

“Glad to hear it,” the Technician said blandly. He started idly turning his tablet stylus over in his fingers.

“Just fuck off.”

“Ah, my apologies. I thought we were playing the sarcasm game. Should I assume I won?”

“Fuck you.”

“I only fornicate with adults, sorry.”

“Did you really come here just to ridicule me?” Cloud asked angrily, picking his head up and giving the other man an acidic glare. “Because if that’s all you need, you shouldn’t have bothered. I get it. I’m a piece of shit. Just tell me Leon is moving on and let me rot in my cell.”

“Leon is moving on,” Ansem said simply.

For a moment, it felt like time had stopped. The breath halted in Cloud’s lungs and his eyes instantly started watering. He settled his head against the table again and let out a shaky miserable sigh. “Fine. We’re done. Just leave me here.”

“Is that not what you wanted to hear? You seem upset.”

“I _am_ upset,” the blonde grumbled.

“Then why did you tell me to lie to you?”

“What?” Cloud asked, sitting up again. Wiping his eyes, he tried to process what was happening.

“Leon isn’t moving on, Cloud. That’s a scenario you’ve cooked up for yourself. Is that what you want to happen? Should I take this as a termination of your Charge contract?”

“No! Fuck you! Why would you do that to me?”

“Because you’re acting like a child. I came here for civil conversation, not for an immature tête-à-tête.”

“Then you should’ve started it that way. What kind of asshole comes into a prison and asks an inmate how they’re doing? How the fuck do you _think_ I’m doing? Fuck!” the blonde growled, sniffling loudly as he dried his face. A mixture of annoyance and embarrassment was making it difficult for him to catch his breath.

Ansem raised a brow at him. “You’re right. That was insensitive. I apologize.”

“Is that more sarcasm?”

“No, actually, it’s not. I’m sorry.”

Cloud glared at him for a few more seconds before settling his hands in his lap again grumpily. “Fine,” he said. “Leon really isn’t going to replace me?”

“He hasn’t said he changed his mind, so I assume that means he’s keeping you. Have you made a plan for what you’re going to do when you return to the facility?”

“What else should I prepare for other than just… showing up?”

“I’m not sure. You tell me. I’ve gotten word from several sources here telling me about your progress and I want to hear from you exactly what you plan to do.”

“I… don’t really have a plan. I didn’t know I needed one.”

“So you’re going to just walk into Leon’s life again and expect everything to be alright? That’s bold.”

“No. I didn’t think I could just pretend nothing happened. But I haven’t been able to talk to him. I don’t know what he’s thinking or what he wants.”

“That’s surprising.”

“What is?”

“That you don’t know what Leon is thinking or what he wants,” Ansem said thoughtfully. He started tapping his tablet, taking notes.

“What do you mean? No one’s let me talk to him. Am I supposed to be able to read his mind or something?”

“Not literally, no. But you don’t even know how he handles trauma or upset? Have you never interacted with him before you attacked him?”

“I don’t… understand what you’re asking,” Cloud said though he did think he had a little bit of an idea.

“How well do you know Leon?”

“I’m… not sure.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I thought… I thought I understood him, but… I figured out that I really don’t,” the blonde sulked.

“That’s what’s surprising. I don’t have very many pairs under my jurisdiction that function like you two do. I haven’t had a Charge not understand their Carrier in many years. It’s very abnormal.”

“That’s why I need to talk to him. So I can understand. And I can figure out how to fix this.”

“That decision lies entirely on Leon. Until he comes to us and says he wants to talk to you, the next time you’ll see him is when you go home. Which is soon, so just be patient. Also, apparently another Carrier called in a friend of hers to council him, so let’s hope that they’re making progress,” Ansem said.

Cloud was quiet for a moment as he considered the fact that his Carrier hadn’t made an effort to talk to him. Again, it was a scenario that he couldn’t blame Leon for, but it hurt to think about. In fact, it hurt a lot more than he thought it would. “Have you talked to him at all? Seen him?” the blonde asked sheepishly.

“Yes. A few times.”

“Is… is he okay? Has he said anything?”

“He is as he always has been; angry and hard to read. I don’t know him well enough to understand his different moods, but he is a difficult personality to parse. I would ask you about him but apparently you’ve not taken the time to understand anything so that’s a wasted venture,” Ansem said.

It was clear to Cloud that the Technician wasn’t amused with his incapability, but the dislike went a little deeper than the blonde realized. Ansem wasn’t like his comrades. He actually enjoyed being around his creations and liked getting to know them. Leon had never been a pillar of ideal social interactions, but Cloud’s abuse had shut whatever spark of outgoingness the brunette had behind a thick wall of fear and insecurity. Ansem wasn’t allowed to do what he liked best because the outward resistance Leon had was so severe. He didn’t appreciate Cloud making that decision for him, nor did he appreciate the blonde damaging the things he had created.

“Oh,” Cloud said. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Leon simply acting like he always had. He struggled to imagine how that could be possible. “But he looked okay?”

Ansem shrugged. “He doesn’t smile, if that’s what you mean.”

“He never smiled. I really don’t think he knows how.”

“And is that your fault?”

“I don’t know what he was like before he knew me but I assume so.”

“Well, that’d be a good question to ask him when you see him, I would think. As far as his physical condition goes, the damage is healed. He’s functional.”

“Okay,” the blonde said, heaving a heavy sigh.

The Technician tapped his stylus against the table impatiently. “You really don’t have a plan of action?”

“…No.”

“Alright,” Ansem said with an exasperated sigh. “Anyway, my original question stands. How are you? I’ve received a report from the Warden explaining how your mood is low and you’ve not been eating.”

“I eat.”

“Maybe some, but not like you should. She said the cafeteria staff would be lucky to get a half-meal’s worth of food in you a day.”

“I’ve just not been hungry lately. Is that a crime?” the blonde asked, sitting back in his seat. He folded his arms over his chest and gave the other man a scowl.

“Not at all. But there are concerns of suicide being thrown around, you know. Just so you’re aware, starving yourself is a very miserable way to do it.”

“I eat, though. I’m not starving myself.”

“You’re sure of that? You don’t have thoughts of suicide at all?”

Without realizing it, Cloud hesitated for longer than was necessary. “No. That’s a cowardly way to go,” he said defiantly. His tone wasn’t very convincing.

“I see,” Ansem said, tapping his tablet again and taking a few notes.

“You don’t believe me?”

“Not at all. But, seeing as how you’re surrounded by people all day every day, I find it unlikely you’ll actually succeed.”

“That almost sounds like you’re daring me to try.”

“No. I’m really not. Could you imagine how upset Leon would be? He wants to keep you. You should oblige him, should you not? I would think you owe him that much.”

“I… I guess.”

“At any rate, if you don’t have any questions for me, I’ll take my leave. I have the information I need.”

“I do have a question.”

“Hm?”

“What do Charges usually plan to do in a situation like this? Like when they go home.”

“Usually they have some sort of apology constructed. If they wanted to get their Carrier a gift or do something special for them to show their remorse, I would help them with it. But apparently the only thing you know about Leon is his name. So that doesn’t hold much value here.”

“I see. What do they normally get their Carriers?”

“I’m not going to help you with this decision and give you ideas, Cloud. This is your responsibility. Normally this meeting is the only chance to give me your plan and I would have time to make it happen, but if you happen to think of something simple, I’d be willing to help you later.”

“Okay,” Cloud said. With a dejected sigh, he ran his hands over his face.

Once the pair parted ways and Cloud was back in his cell, the blonde dropped himself into his bed and stared up at the ceiling. His entire body felt like it had a lead blanket over it weighing him down. Greif pulled at every fiber of his being and he wanted nothing more than to shrivel up and hide for eternity. The fact that Leon still wanted to keep him was good, but everything else about the meeting only succeeded in making him feel more worthless. He was still of the opinion that the brunette would be better off without him.

He was only by himself for a few minutes before a guard came to escort him to the cafeteria where he would be going over the day’s lesson with Trent. The younger inmate was as bright as he always was which clashed against Cloud’s downtrodden mood almost painfully. The blonde plopped into his seat and handed off his tablet to Trent without so much as a greeting. His companion raised his brows at his teacher inquisitively. Cloud hadn’t been the most cheerful in the recent past, but he was normally well enough to handle simple pleasantries.

“Are you okay?” Trent asked.

“Just grand,” the blonde muttered, folding his arms on the table’s surface and resting his face against them.

“Did something happen?”

“Nothing important. Just get started.”

A third of the way through the lesson, and Cloud had checked out mentally. His response time for translating what Leon was saying got slower and slower. All he managed to do was confuse Trent when they had to backtrack so the younger inmate could understand the context. It eventually got to the point where Trent set the tablet down and ignored what was going on and just listened to Cloud ramble off phrases as his brain decided to interpret them. Frustrated, Trent let out a sigh.

“You know, if you don’t want to do this anymore, you can stop. I think I know enough. I can write my name, I know how to spell the colors, numbers, shapes, important places in the city… and a bunch of other stuff.  I mean, you’re leaving in a couple months anyway, right?” Trent offered. Cloud was quiet for a moment as he considered his companion’s words.

“I guess. You learned way faster than I did. It took me almost a year to get this far.”

“Well, the basics are enough. I can read some books now and stuff."

“Right. If you’re okay with it, then I’m satisfied with your progress. It doesn’t matter to me if you want to stop.”

“Let’s do that then. Thank you for showing me all this. Did… did you want something in return?” Trent asked, leaning in closer to Cloud with a wide smile.

“I don’t need anything from you, Trent. Doing this helped keep me sane for a while. That’s enough,” Cloud said, leaning away from him.

“You’re sure?” the younger inmate persisted, his tone turning disappointed. He reached forward and slid a hand over the upper part of the blonde’s thigh and gave it a light squeeze. Cloud immediately grabbed his wrist and pushed it away.

“I’m sure,” the Charge grumbled. “Even if I was interested – and I’m not – right now is a really bad time to start something like this.”

“But I thought you were planning on offering yourself up to your Carrier in exchange for forgiveness? This would be an easy start,” Trent asked, his eyebrows rising.

Cloud stared at him with blatant astonishment. “Who told you that?”

“Do you really think people don’t listen to you when you talk in your cell? You discussed it with Auron, right? It’s not like the walls are all solid in here.”

“I… I never thought about it. No one said anything before now.”

“Well, yeah, because everyone knows you’d fight back. That’s why you’re in this ward and not where you started, right?”

“I…”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of you know,” Trent said, reclining back in his seat.

“How much does everyone know? What else’s been passed around?”

“Honestly? I have no idea. Your willingness to experiment was what I was interested in. I don’t tend to pay attention to what everyone else says otherwise. It’s just talk. But your reaction tells me this one is true.”

“Oh my god. I’m so happy I’m leaving soon. Fuck this place,” Cloud grumbled. He ran a hand over his face and sighed deeply. In that moment, he wanted to crawl into his bed and never come out again.

“Yeah, well, it’s not a big deal. Like I said; it’s nothing to be ashamed of. But, I can help you get used to it if you want. I’m more than willing,” the younger inmate said slyly.

“No. If that’s the way my life is headed there’s only one person who gets to do anything to me.”

“Leon?”

“Right. I don’t owe anyone else shit. I owe him everything.”

“Even if what you’re repaying him with isn’t something you even enjoy?”

“It doesn’t matter what I like.”

“I gotta be honest, that’s really weird, Cloud. I wouldn’t force myself to do something I don’t like for someone else’s sake.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know what else to do for him. I haven’t completely decided to, either. I’ll probably ask him if it’s something he wants first,” the blonde said.

“That’d probably be a good idea. In my head I see you getting on your knees to lick his balls for forgiveness and he has _no_ idea it’s coming. And then you’re like ‘oh, excuse me, I thought you wanted this; is it not okay?’”

“Eh…”

“Don’t tell me that was your plan.”

“No. Just… the idea really grosses me out.”

Trent sighed. “You should come up with another plan. You’ve got time, kind of.”

“I’ve tried. I don’t know what else he likes.”

“And your best option is ‘he likes dick’?”

“That’s the only thing I have actual confirmation of,” Cloud said with deep grumbling sigh.

“Well, I guess its fine, then. Seems a little extreme to me, but I don’t know Leon. If you need help, though, I’m your guy. I can take care of you,” the younger inmate said with a wink. Cloud scowled.

“You’d only be able to help me for as long as I’m here, though.”

“That’s true.”

“Or, you could finish your sentence and leave.”

“Why would I do that? I don’t know you _that_ well. I’m not going to give up my meal ticket for a chance to such your cock, man. That’s stupid.”

“That’s not what I’m implying.”

“But that’s what it sounded like.”

“It was a bad attempt to change the subject. I’m done talking about cock sucking.”

“You could’ve just said that, you know.”

“Shut up, Trent. I’m trying to be serious here. You should finish your sentence and leave. You have the basic ability you need to actually have a life.”

“And why would I want to work when I can just stay here?” Trent asked.

“Because if you keep fucking around they’re going to ship you off to a tougher place. It won’t be as kind as here.”

“I haven’t heard anything about that.”

“Believe me. It’s what’s going to happen,” Cloud said.

“Who says?”

“The Warden.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Why do you think she agreed to let me teach you? She doesn’t want you to go somewhere you don’t need to be.”

“Seriously?” Trent asked, furrowing his brows together.

Cloud nodded. “Seriously.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Well, it’s something to consider.”

“Yeah it is. Wow,” the younger inmate said thoughtfully. “I’ll have to think about it. Figure out how much it’s worth to me.”

“The way I see it is: yeah, it’s more work, but if you get out, you can encourage your sister to do the same. Then _you_ can teach her to read too. And then you’d both be better off. Right?”

“I guess. I’ll think about it.”

“Well, you’ve only got one more fuck-up before you’re shipped out. So keep it in mind.”

“I will. I promise.”

“And when you get out, because I expect you to, call me and I’ll buy you lunch or something.”

Trent’s eyes lit up and he grinned. “Like a date?”

“No, like lunch with a mean guy that pities you.”

“That’s basically a date.”

Cloud laughed a bit. “Right. Fine. We’ll have a really awkward awful date that might end in me giving you a black eye.”

“Ah, but I might like that. You don’t know,” Trent teased. The blonde punched him in the shoulder.

“Trent, you’re pushing your luck.”

“Sorry,” the younger prisoner grumbled, rubbing his injury.

\--------------------------------

Leon spent the majority of his recovery period with Sunny and doing research. For the first month, he was resistant to most of what she said, but his resolve cracked and he eventually gave in and started following her advice. For the most part, things were quiet between them save for the occasional suggestion of new things to try. Of course, the most prominent suggestion was the piano. After several sessions of nearly irritating nagging, the woman finally convinced him to sit down and give it a try. The resulting emotional turmoil forced Leon to tears and he felt compelled to explain why.

With watery words and quivering chin, he and Sunny spent the next two hours discussing the relationship he and Zell had and the regret that followed. The meeting after that was spent wrapped up in awkward conversations about sex and what Leon felt about it. Sunny was very cordial about the topic and didn’t press too hard on subjects the Carrier didn’t want to discuss. Leon had expected her to be surprised he could even have a relationship after everything he had been through prior to that, but she didn’t seem fazed.

“Everyone copes in different ways, Leon. Some people are self destructive, some turn reclusive, some turn manic, and some just choose to ignore it and try to go back to regular life as soon as possible. None of these are the right answer, nor do they usually offer the best results, but they’re normal reactions. You’re normal, Leon,” the woman told him.

Normal. That was the biggest compliment Leon had ever received in his entire life. It was a sad realization, admittedly, but it was still huge for him. To hear that he wasn’t strange, or a freak, or anything else Cloud had called him, was extremely comforting when it came from an outside third party. He felt he could breathe a little easier, and over time with Sunny’s encouragement, he was able to rejoin the rest of facility in the daily routine.

Integrating himself back into normal life was a surreal experience. He spent the first few weeks feeling anxious and thinking that everyone was staring at him. They were, but not for the reasons he felt they were. In Leon’s head, they were belittling him for being weak and vulnerable. The reality was that they were concerned that Cloud was coming back. When they first heard that Leon decided to keep his Charge, a popular topic of discussion was: ‘if it was my Charge, would I really let him go?’ Barely anyone could come up with concrete answer. Thinking that their loved ones could turn into heinous abusive monsters was too unreal. There were a few voices that concluded that they would toss their Charges aside if they became like Cloud, but the majority couldn’t decide. It was a hard choice to figure out.

Once he was used to being stared at, Leon was able to ignore them. He ate his meals with Joshua and Neku, but didn’t talk much. There wasn’t anything to say. As time passed, he noticed that he was left to his own devices more and more. Joshua, Neku, Zack, and Tifa, though present, were gradually becoming less and less social with him. They stayed with him when they were required to, but their times together were generally quiet. Only Sunny and Reno talked to him with any sort of regularity. At first, Leon was a little upset by the solitude, but then he remembered that his Charge was coming home soon. If they were distancing themselves from him now, he was willing to bet it was because they were preparing to disappear from his life for a while when Cloud was around.

He didn’t blame them. If he was honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he was making the right choice anymore. But, by the time he felt that way, it was too late. He was committed. Cloud was there to stay. He figured that so long as he had something to do, he would be okay. Learning new pieces on the piano, recording Cloud’s lessons, dissecting the compounds of his plants, and his normal work, was enough to keep him busy he decided. If not, then he would figure something else out when the time came. But for the time being, just his plants were keeping his mind occupied.

He didn’t have pads of paper, but he did have a digital blackboard with which to record his findings. Similarly to how his obsession with the giant blue woman outside the Shumi village got carried away in a grand sweep of mania, he spent hours upon hours writing notes on the foreign foliage he had been nurturing. In many instances, he was reinventing the wheel. Most of the plant matter was more or less the same as plants he was already familiar with. Unsurprisingly however, the most interesting information came from the oily nectar that the flowers excreted.

The secretion had an eerily similar chemical makeup to human pheromones. The carbon backbone of the substance’s molecular structure was the same as many pheromones but the isomers attached to it were a hair’s breadth away from being human. He didn’t know what their purpose was, but he liked Sunny’s hypothesis the most. Perhaps the pheromone and the smell was for animals in the wild to be attracted to the flowers so their seeds would get stuck in their fur and deposited elsewhere. Given how easily the plants grew, it was a fair summation.

Once he figured that out, the experiments began. He started keeping the flowers around as decoration and offered them to his companions to smell. Joshua and Tifa liked them, but didn’t have any sort of reaction otherwise. Sunny didn’t have any interesting feedback either. Zack and Neku, however, explained what had happened to Rude so many months prior. They didn’t have such an obvious reaction, but the point was proven nonetheless. The both became overly interested in the flowers once they got their initial whiff, but they didn’t show any results until they really stuck their noses into the petals.

Zack became fidgety shortly after putting the blooms down but stayed with Leon in the lab for a while and tried to distract himself with his tablet. The russet Carrier wondered if he would’ve been more reactive had Tifa been around. It eventually became too bothersome for the Charge, though, and with a quick ‘ _behave yourself_ ’ he excused himself to go use the restroom. Without being too obvious, Leon managed to catch a glimpse of a bit of a bulge pushing against the front of Zack’s pants. He returned to the lab without one. Neku had more self control than Zack. He had the same reaction, but managed to keep himself occupied enough for the problem to resolve itself and leave him.

Leon shared his findings with Tifa and Joshua. Both thought the results were comical, but Tifa was the only one interested in taking things further. After a bit more research, Leon figured out that the oils weren’t explosive, but were flammable when exposed to an open flame. He took Sunny up on her offer to get him several candle making kits, and went to work. A handful of six blooms were enough to make two reasonably strong tea light-sized candles. Tifa was more than willing to give them a try, and that evening, lit them without explaining to Zack what they were for. She shared her results with Leon the next day.

“It’s not like our sex life is lacking, because it isn’t, don’t get me wrong. We have our days where we get a little crazy but for the most part it’s pretty normal,” Tifa explained.

“That’s nice, but I wasn’t looking for a dissertation on your marital bliss,” Leon grumped, his eyes glued to a microscope.

“Right, sorry. But the candles seem to make him want to get more… intense? Is that the right word? I don’t know. It wasn’t like he was losing control of himself or anything; he was just unbelievably… horny,” Tifa said hesitantly. Her cheeks darkened a bit and she picked at her fingernails. Leon wasn’t the best person to be gossiping about her sex life with and his bland and unfeeling demeanor was making the conversation feel somewhat shameful even though she knew it wasn’t.

“I see,” the male Carrier replied.

“So… I’m going to try them again for the rest of the week and see if the results are replicable. If it does what I think it does, it’s a good way to control when I want him to get a bit crazier because he doesn’t always want to oblige me.”

“That can either be construed as abusive or hilarious and I can’t decide which.”

“Well, the way I look at it is, he never really tells me ‘no’ but I can tell when he isn’t completely on board; and he _never_ initiates it. I can’t really blame him, though. He’s always on the receiving end,” Tifa admitted awkwardly, twiddling her thumbs. “So if I can make it so he actually enjoys it or wants it, then it’d be better for him, right? And if it happens more often as a result, then it doesn’t matter because we’d both be into it. Right?”

“Whatever you need to tell yourself to make you feel better, Tifa.”

“Well, I mean… after this week, I’d tell him what was up. It’s not like I’d keep it a secret and use it against him. I don’t even know if all of this is true; he could’ve just been in a mood.”

“Keep me informed. I’m curious.”

“I will,” Tifa said with a bit of a sigh.

“Though, this does beg the question on what a lesser concentration would do. If all it does is make human men stupidly aroused and antsy and as a result more prone to intense sex, then half of that concentration might just make the atmosphere better for general sexual purposes.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, if there’s a housewife that thinks her husband is bored of her or is losing interest and maybe going off and being unfaithful, then using something like these candles might be enough to keep him around and find the spark again. People are living to be hundreds of years old; there’s bound to be people out there that have stale relationships and these could be subtle enough to help them get back to where they used to be. The hopeful result would be that they eventually won’t need them anymore and things would improve on their own from there.”

“Huh. I didn’t think of it like that.”

“Or they can use it like you do and force their husbands to put things in their asses that they wouldn’t normally want to be there.”

“Hey! I’ll have you know that Zack picked out three quarters of the toys we have. He likes them when he’s in the mood for them,” Tifa insisted.

Leon laughed a bit under his breath. “It’s easy to get a rise out of you.”

“Well, I don’t like my relationship being compared to abuse. That’s not funny.”

“It’s not. That’s true.”

“And sex is important.”

“Yes it is.”

“So don’t do that anymore.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Are you _really_? I’m not convinced.”

“Tifa, I’m the last person on the planet that would genuinely believe that abuse is funny.”

“Ah… right. Sorry.”

With Tifa’s results fresh on his mind, Leon decided to approach Joshua later that evening with a proposal. He had made another candle with half the concentration of flower oils as the ones he gave Tifa and asked his fellow Carrier if he’d be willing to give it a try. He explained what he theorized the results on Zack were and his idea of a lower ratio simply being good for some lusty atmosphere. Joshua was hesitant. He wanted to help Leon, but mostly out of pity. His friend didn’t have a Charge to try things with and he did. Sort of.

“I don’t know if I should do this with Neku, honestly. I feel like I’d be tricking him into something he’s not comfortable with,” Joshua admitted, focusing on the candle in his hand.

“Not very adventurous, is he?” Leon asked.

“No, that’s not it… well, maybe. I have no idea. Our relationship isn’t like that. It’s not… sexual.”

“…Oh. I didn’t realize that. I just sort of assumed,” Leon said, his eyebrows rising.

“We’re companions. Not lovers.”

“But you slept in the same bed when you two were watching me? He didn’t seem bothered by it. Or was it just for those evenings?”

“Not necessarily. We’re close, and if we’re doing something together like watching movies or whatever and one of us falls asleep before we part ways, neither of us will wake up the other one and ask them to leave for the night. It doesn’t happen often, so that’s not our normal routine, no. But…” Joshua trailed with a bit of a frown.

“But?”

“I do wish we were more involved. That’s the part of me that actually wants to try this to see if he’d let me do anything with him or if he’d just excuse himself for the night and that’d be the end of it.”

“What do you think he’d actually do? Realistically.”

“I’m not sure. He actually grew up with two fathers; that was his normal. His first interest was another young man when he was in high school, but they didn’t last. He then had several girlfriends and seemed to favor them more. So it’s not like he’d think this was disgusting, but I’m not sure it’s actually who he is. And I don’t want to force him to think it is. But if this thing is as mild as you say, it might not even do anything.”

“Have you asked him what his preferences are? You could just be frank with him, you know. I find that’s better than trying to guess. Guessing never got me anywhere,” Leon said matter-of-factly.

Joshua sighed. “I know I should.”

“I would do that before you do anything with candles and the like.”

“Right, yeah. I’ll try to muster the courage soon,” the blonde said. He tucked the candle in his pocket. “But I’ll hang onto this just in case I’m too much of a coward. If we try it, I’ll let you know how it goes.”

“Well, I’m not going to stop you but I encourage you to think about this carefully. I understand the feeling of having a Charge that stays distant like that. Neku is much more polite about it than Cloud ever was, but I’m sure our feelings are similar. It’s not the best way to live. Just don’t get desperate,” Leon warned.

“I know. I’ve managed this long. I can keep the charade up for a while.”

“I hope things get better for you.”

“I hope the same for you. When is Cloud coming home, again?”

“Two days.”

“Are you nervous? I can’t tell.”

Leon took a deep breath and let it out through his nose. “I’m not sure yet.”

“I’m nervous for you, if that means anything to you,” Joshua said, crossing the lab to take a seat at the exam table. Leon sat across from him and set his elbow on its surface and his chin in his palm. He tapped his fingers against the metal idly.

“Part of me wants to say that I’m prepared, but the other part feels like I have to pee constantly,” the brunette admitted.

“Might want to get that looked at. Urinary tract infections aren’t a joke.”

“I didn’t mean that literally.”

“I know, but I decided to take it that way.”

Leon huffed a brief laugh under his breath. “Right. I just hope he’s…”

“Less of a complete inhuman monstrosity?”

“Well, yes, but I’d settle for stable first.”

“I suppose that’d be good enough.”

“For me it is. It’d be progress.”

Joshua’s expression turned more serious. “I have to ask you, though, do you think he’ll behave himself? Honestly.”

“I really have no idea. I haven’t talked to him since he left. I have very minimal input on how he’s doing. I just know he’s healthy enough for my Signet to stay quiet. Other than that, I’ve got nothing.”

“Do you have an idea how you’re going to approach him?”

“Walk up to him and try my hardest not to wet myself and/or hit him?”

“I was actually hoping for something a little less detrimental,” Joshua said.

“Sunny will be with me. That’s all the preparation I’ve got. To my knowledge, all that’s going to happen is a taxi is going to dump him on the front lawn and leave him there. I don’t even know if he’ll have his normal clothing on or whatever they gave him at the prison. Sunny doesn’t either.”

“Hm. If you want more support, Neku and I can watch your back from a distance for you.”

“I might just take you up on that. Thank you.”

“Not a problem. I’m concerned that he’s going to come back angry that he’s been locked away for something he felt justified in doing, you know? He might retaliate off the get-go.”

“He might, but I’m not afraid to push back like I was before. I think. I mean, Ansem came by and gave me immunity to anything I do to him for a week after he’s back. If he tries to pick a fight, I have the legal backing to fight back without repercussions. So there’s that. But, I could’ve fought back a dozen times before we crossed over and came home and I didn’t. I wouldn’t have gotten in trouble then, either, but I still didn’t do it.”

“Why not?”

Leon folded his arms on the table and rested his cheek against them dejectedly. “Because I watched him be born, and be a toddler, and be a child, and do stupid teenager things, and then saw his life fall apart. He has every right to be angry,” he mumbled. He could feel the backs of his eyes starting to burn as tears threatened to bubble up, but he pulled them back with a deep breath. Sitting up, he used his t-shirt to wipe the moisture away. “Sorry,” he added absently.

“It’s okay,” Joshua said, watching the other Carrier carefully.

“I’m not afraid to defend myself. But I am afraid of losing control of the parts of myself that hate him so vehemently for everything he’s done to me. Sunny says I’m allowed to be angry at him, and I agree, but I’ve never allowed myself to be angry near him. Or at least, not since we first met. I’ve always been more upset with myself, so I’ve not become accustomed to being that way around him. I don’t know if I can trust myself to keep composure and not immediately fly off in a rage and paint the walls with his innards,” Leon said, rubbing his face with the shirt fabric tiredly.

“You very easily could.”

“I know. And that’s what scares me. I don’t want to hurt him, but at the same time I do. It’s… overwhelming to try and understand and sort through that.”

“Well, we’ll be here to help you if you need us. Sunny will be with you to help you stay sane. For all we know, Cloud could come back and be completely normal. It’s too soon to make predictions of doom and gloom just yet.”

“I keep telling myself that. But… I’ve never been much of an optimist.”

“That’s a huge truth, I will admit, but all we can do is wait and see, yeah?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”


	92. Chapter 92

Chapter 92

Derrick let out a dejected sigh and scooted a little bit closer to Cloud. The blonde eyed him suspiciously out of the corner of his eye and moved to the next available shower fixture. He had been playing an awkward game of cat-and-mouse ever since their bathing time started about ten minutes prior. It was no secret what the other man wanted from him, but the blonde refused to give it to him. With his spirit crushed, Derrick’s persistence was dwindling the further along the row of shower heads they went. They made an entire lap before Cloud’s patience dried up.

“Derrick, if you don’t get away from me, I swear I will rip your balls off and stuff them up your ass. I’m not in the mood for your bullshit today,” the blonde snarled, giving the man an acidic glare. The other prisoner let out a loud grumble and threw his hands up in defeat.

“Yer practically out the door, man! I won’t be able t’ stare at them meaty cheeks anymore. The least you can do for me is let me in just once, y’know? Yer depriving me of my entertainment. It ain’t fair,” Derrick said, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Sorry. I’m saving myself for marriage. Or should I consider this your proposal?” Cloud asked as he scrubbed his scalp.

“Is that what it takes?”

“Only if there are diamonds involved. Real ones. I’ve got standards.”

“Ah, fuck off. Don’t give me false hope. S’cruel.”

“I’m not trying to. I’ve told you roughly a billion times to get away from me. It’s your fault you can’t take a hint. Don’t blame me for your inability to understand simple language,” the blonde said, ducking under the water to rinse his hair.

Derrick scoffed at him. “Yer such a shit.”

“Tell you what,” Cloud said, taking up his designated washcloth and bar of soap. “Finish your sentence, and get a job. If you can bring me a copy of your first pay stub and you can beat my Carrier in a fist fight, then we can talk about touching my butt and fucking around. How’s that sound?”

“What type’s yer Carrier?”

“He’s a lion.”

“Ah, no. No thank ya. There’s no way I can win. Yer just being a shit. Again. Almost thought you were serious fer a minute.”

“I am serious about getting out and getting a job, though. If we’re going to get married I need a stable man who can provide for me. I expect to sit on my cushy ass for the rest of my life.”

“Eh, fuck off,” Derrick concluded, swiping a hand through the air as if to slap the words back into the blonde’s face. “Alright alright alright I get it. I’m goin’,” he surrendered, stomping back to his shower station.

“Well that was exciting. Thanks for that back-and-forth. It was enjoyable,” Auron said.

“You’re welcome. Glad I could entertain,” Cloud said. He stepped under the water again and started rinsing the suds off his body. “It’s really difficult to take him seriously.”

“I agree. I will say that he is right about one thing, though. You’re almost out of here and it’s a tragedy. Wish I could go with you.”

“I wish you could too. You should’ve been out years ago.”

“Aw, thanks.”

“I mean it. You helped me a lot. You should be allowed to go out and help other people, too. That’d be a better sentence than sitting in prison.”

“Maybe someday I can. Who knows? If I could fit in your pocket and have you smuggle me out I’d do that in a heartbeat,” Auron said.

“I wish it was possible.”

Breakfast was Cloud’s last meal at the prison. He and Auron sat together in relative silence. There wasn’t much else they could think to say to one another, and Auron didn’t want to come across as an over protective father figure by unleashing a torrent of ‘make sure you…’ sort of statements as parting gifts. He was still extremely concerned that Cloud wasn’t emotionally stable enough to go back to the facility. He hadn’t been able to talk to Sunny in months and he had no idea where Leon was at mentally. If the Carrier reacted badly to his Charge coming home, it could lead to irreparable damage to Cloud’s mental state.

When breakfast was almost finished, an eerie silence fell over the cafeteria. The loud rhythmic _clack clack_ of stiletto heels against the tile rang through the hall as the Warden made her way into the cafeteria with a stony expression. She was flanked by two large guards. Stopping in the middle of the front of the room, she scanned the crowd of men under her control and her sharp eyes fell on Auron. She pointed in his direction and muttered something under her breath to her escorts. Taking up her tablet, she cleared her throat.

“Prisoner 80f64r, come with us,” she demanded, her voice booming and icy.

“What did I do?” Auron asked, furrowing his brows together.

“Conspiracy to escape,” the woman said finitely. Auron’s jaw nearly hit the floor in shock.

“What the hell are you talking about?” he demanded. The guards reached him and grabbed his forearms. He yanked them free again. “Get your hands off me. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I beg to differ. We have recorded evidence of a conversation you had with your friend Mr. 9x8b over there from this morning’s shower,” the Warden said, motioning to Cloud.

The blonde scowled. “You can’t be serious. You’re not telling me that trying to smuggle a grown man out in my pocket is a conspiracy to escape, are you?”

“That’s exactly what I’m taking about,” the woman said. The guards grabbed Auron’s arms again and this time he let them. They pulled him to his feet.

“But that’s fucking stupid!” Cloud protested, standing from his seat.

“Any talk of escape is taken very seriously here. For all I know you could’ve been speaking in code. You’re lucky you’re leaving in a couple hours otherwise you would be in the same situation. So unless you want to be taken to solitary and have your sentence extended, I suggest you sit down and be quiet like a good little boy,” the Warden said snidely.

“Cloud, don’t ruin this for yourself,” Auron muttered to him as his hands were bound behind his back. Once secure, the guards started leading him away. “What’re they going to do? Extend my life sentence?”

“But—“

“Sit down, 9x8b,” the woman demanded. Cloud hesitated for a moment before he let out a long sigh and did as he was told.

“Fucking bullshit,” he grumbled under his breath.

“Let this be a lesson to the rest of you,” the Warded said, scanning the room again. “Any talk of escape, ridiculous or otherwise, will be taken as a criminal act. Do not test me on this. I am not lenient. It is an immediate move to solitary confinement and a transfer to a higher security facility. Is that clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” the crowd murmured in response.

“Good. Have a satisfactory day, children,” she concluded, following Auron and the guards out the doors.

Once she was gone, the conversation started back up again and everything seemed to return to normal. However, Cloud was extremely upset. He hadn’t even been given the chance for a proper goodbye and the fact that he was able to leave when Auron wasn’t weighed heavily on his conscience. Auron’s sentence had nothing to do with him, he knew, but he felt like Auron deserved to have a proper life more than he did. His pseudo-therapist was a genuinely good person, unlike himself, and without him and his constant reassurance, the blonde was shaken. Continuing on without someone like Auron in his life seemed like a monumentally difficult task.

Cloud had been so preoccupied with thinking about Leon and how he would pull forgiveness from his Carrier that he hadn’t considered the reality of moving on without someone supporting him. He didn’t doubt that Leon would rather leave him alone than act as a replacement for Auron, and it was terrifying to think about having to pick up all the emotional slack himself. He wasn’t sure he could do it. He didn’t even know how to. Would he go back to not being able to sleep? Was he even going to be able to take the same medications at the facility as he did in prison? What if he tipped over the edge again from insomnia? Auron had been a huge part of helping Cloud work through his anxiety and the things that kept him awake at night, but if he wasn’t there anymore, wouldn’t Cloud just backpedal into his old habits? It was a very scary thought.

Depressed and feeling hopeless, after breakfast, Cloud was escorted to the front half of the prison where inmate registration and visitations were held. He was put in a holding cell for a while, his mind in a fog as his head tried to cope with the onslaught of mixed feelings he had about leaving. Once the staff was ready to do his registry paperwork, he sat in an office and did nothing as they typed away at a computer terminal in silence. He had no idea why he needed to be present for any of it since they didn’t talk to him, but he didn’t protest. Afterwards, he was led into a small room where he received a haircut and a change of civilian clothes. Even as he pulled on the surreal feeling jeans and soft t-shirt, Cloud couldn’t put a coherent thought together.

With a bag that contained his tablet, earpiece, and a bottle of prescription sleep aids, he was released from prison shortly before lunchtime. He never did come up with a way of asking for forgiveness like Ansem had advised him to. The majority of the last week had been spent pondering it, but without being able to talk to Leon, he couldn’t think of anything. He didn’t even know how to approach an apology without coming off as a desperate and sobbing mess. Even if the reality was that he was a desperate sobbing mess, he still wanted to keep at least _some_ dignity, but he didn’t see that as a realistic expectation. Since he decided he was spineless and weak, he supposed he could just throw himself on the ground and beg. It wasn’t like he had anything else to lose at that point.

He was loaded into the back of a taxi and taken away from the prison as if he was leaving a bad hotel. It had been so long since he had been able to see the city around him it felt like he was seeing it for the first time again. Nothing had changed as far as he could tell. There was still an excess of homeless and impoverished people milling around the alleyways between abandoned buildings, and the people around them were ignoring their issues just as they had been before. All was normal, and it made him nauseous. Something should’ve changed, he thought.

Once the feline facility was in view, his mind decided to wake up from its stupor and recount every reason why he didn’t deserve to be there. At lightning speed, he started to recount every instance of abuse and neglect he had forced on his Carrier in the past and was preparing for Leon to approach him and immediately break his spine in response. His eyes started watering and it was getting harder to breathe the closer they came to the front entrance. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead into the back of the seat in front of him and held his face in his hands.

 _I can’t do this. I don’t deserve it. I can’t do this. I don’t deserve it_ , he told himself over and over again; a damaging mantra that was starting to weave itself into his neurons so tightly, he wouldn’t be able to let it go.

\-------------------------

“Are you alright? You look a little sick,” Sunny asked, watching Leon’s face carefully. They were in the brunette’s bathroom and the Carrier had both hands on either side of the sink as he leaned over it and held himself in place. He took a deep breath.

“I’m nervous,” he mumbled, staring down at the drain. Sunny reached over and rubbed his back comfortingly.

“You can do this,” she said.

“I know. I’m going to. I just might puke a little beforehand, is all.”

“Have you eaten anything?”

“No. I haven’t slept much either.”

“That might be part of the problem.”

“Probably. Not the best decisions I’ve made recently, I’ll admit.”

“Well, I don’t think puking from nervousness before a major life event is anything to be ashamed of. So if you have to, go ahead.”

“Thanks. I’m glad I have your permission.”

“Don’t mention it,” the woman said with a small smile. The corner of Leon’s mouth pulled up in a tiny one as well. “In all seriousness, though, I don’t blame you. This is a big deal. But, you’ve made a lot of progress and I have confidence in your recovery regardless of what Cloud does.”

“Thanks. That helps.”

“Have you thought about what you’re going to say to him?” Sunny asked. Leon stepped back from the sink and sighed.

“It all depends on how he reacts to me first. It’s hard to imagine he’d fall on the ground and apologize but… a year is a long time. Something might’ve changed. He was remorseful, sort of.”

“And if he does fall on the ground and apologize? What will you do?”

“Cry, probably,” Leon muttered. He bypassed the woman and went to sit on his bed. She followed and did the same.

“Really?” she asked.

“Yeah. I’ve run the scenarios through my head a million times and the most upsetting to me would be a complete turnaround with tears and apologies and everything. I’m prepared to be angry at him. If he’s blubbering on the floor, I’m not ready.”

“I see.”

“I can’t be angry at him if he’s that upset. I can’t undo watching him suffer for so many years, and having him react like that in front of me would be too much. When he’s lucid, he doesn’t cry very much. He didn’t even cry when his mother died, you know?”

“I didn’t know that, no.”

“Yeah. It was kind of disturbing, really. He was completely straight faced from the moment he found out to after she was put in the ground. Didn’t even fall apart after that. Ever. The only times I can easily recall him crying – like openly sobbing – were when I showed him the video of him killing his girlfriend, and when he was having his weird regression episodes. Both of which I’m sure flipped some mental trigger in his brain that turned him into a six year old again or something. But, if just being around me can make him fall apart like that, I don’t know how to handle it.”

“Do what you want to. Don’t fight whatever you feel. I mean, you probably shouldn’t bash his head in or anything, but if you feel like you need to give him a hug or something, you can. There isn’t a law that says you have to act a certain way,” Sunny said.

“I guess. Part of me doesn’t want to hurt him or see him upset, but the other part doesn’t care and thinks he deserves to be like that. It’s weird,” Leon replied.

“I don’t doubt that you’ll feel like that for a while. Better get used to it,” the woman said.

“Gee. Thanks.”

“I can’t lie to you, Leon. You’re going to have a hard time sifting through your feelings for a while. And that’s okay. You spent _years_ trying to convince yourself of one thing – that Cloud is the only victim here – and you can’t do that anymore. It’ll take a while to erase those feelings and accept the reality fully. But you can do it; I have confidence in you.”

“Thank you,” Leon said with a deep sigh. He ran a hand over his face and glanced towards his bathroom again. “I really do feel queasy though. When did the cab guy say he was leaving the prison?” he asked.

Sunny reached over and poked her tablet so she could see the time. “About an hour ago. They should be here very soon.”

“Fuck everything,” the Carrier grumbled, holding his face in his hands.

“You can do this. You’ll survive.”

“No. I’m going to implode and die,” Leon huffed, flopping back against his mattress. He covered his face with his arms and took a deep breath.

“Well now you’re just being dramatic.”

“Yes, and it makes me feel better.”

“Fair enough,” Sunny concluded, folding her legs under herself. She patiently waited for Leon to get over his anxiety spike. The Carrier eventually took another deep breath and sat up again.

“You’re going to stay for the rest of the day, right?” he asked.

“If you want me to, yes.”

“I do.”

“Then I will.”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Are you ready to go see him?”

“…No, but I will anyway.”

“Very good,” Sunny said. She shuffled off the bed and stood, holding her hand out to him. He took it and let her pull him to his feet.

The entirety of the walk to the front of the facility was fraught with uncertainty, shaking hands, and stomach pain. By the time they were outside and waiting by the entrance, Leon had to sit down. He had never been so nervous or more terrified in his entire life. But despite the overwhelming feelings he was trying to sort through, he attempted to focus on the image of Cloud he had from the blonde’s past. He could recall being convinced that the sweet young man that Cloud used to be was who he really was, and though he could be angry at the current version of his Charge, the past one was the one he was really looking to accept in his life. If he lost control and murdered Cloud before he could be given a chance, Leon would never know if that person really still existed inside the blonde. He could only hope things remained civil.

When the taxi finally crested the hill, Leon thought his entire digestive tract was going to propel itself out of his nose. He had to step back into the facility and try to catch his breath. The amount of anxiety that had suddenly come down on him was unlike anything he had felt in months, and it scared him. He didn’t want to spend the rest of his life that scared of his Charge. With his hand on his chest, he tried to steadily repeat the reassuring words Sunny had drilled into his head over the last year:

_I’m stronger than I think I am. I’ve lived through too much to give in to my fear. He can’t hurt me anymore. I have the strength to stop him._

“Are you alright?” Sunny asked when Leon stepped outside again. The brunette nodded briefly.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” he lied, though he desperately wished it were true.

Cloud was equally as nervous, albeit a different kind of nervous. He was most afraid of Leon trying to continue on as if nothing had happened. The blonde was much more prepared to be hit in the face. He watched every piece of grass pass by the car window with bated breath, rehearsing over and over again what he should say. But as soon as he saw Leon, every thought left him. He was in awe of how healthy the brunette looked, and it occurred to him that he had never really seen his Carrier as a fit individual before. In his mind, Leon had always been pathetic even if his physical condition was that of someone who wasn’t. But everything had changed and now it was impossible to see the brunette that way. No longer was he a feeble and incapable person. He was a survivor. The shift in perception was paralyzing.

Leon didn’t approach the car. He stood halfway between it and the entrance to the facility with his arms crossed over his chest, looking expectant. To Cloud, Leon was an impenetrable wall. His Carrier was too calm, and wasn’t expressive. He didn’t seem upset, didn’t seem angry, wasn’t sad, and most certainly wasn’t happy. The blonde would’ve preferred it if Leon had been easier to read. He wondered if the brunette really had been like that his entire life or if Leon’s lack of emotion was his fault too. After a moment of consideration, he decided that it was. Everything was his fault.

“Are you going to get out of the car or do I have to come rescue you?” the Carrier called loud enough for the blonde to hear through the window pane. Cloud had been frozen in place staring at him for what felt like a full minute. His Charge was _terrified_. It was weirdly satisfying to see.

Cloud fumbled with the door like a disoriented eight year old before he was finally able to pull himself out of the taxi and stand, bag in hand. As soon as he was outside and the door was closed, the taxi started to leave; further solidifying how there was no going back. Cloud was there to stay. The blonde immediately felt like he should start digging a hole to bury himself in. He regretted everything. His fear was repeatedly smacking against the walls of his mind, telling him over and over again how he didn’t deserve to be there and shouldn’t have left the prison. He should’ve done what Trent did and picked a fight with someone to arbitrarily extend his sentence.

“Um…” he trailed stupidly, staring at the ground next to Leon’s feet. All of his rehearsing had left him and he couldn’t remember what he was going to say.

“You lost weight,” the brunette said blandly. In fact his Charge looked like someone who had spent the last ten months in mental turmoil and was now expected to integrate into regular society again. Which, he was aware, was exactly what was happening. His Charge looked miserable, confused, and extremely tired. It was comforting to him. Not because he wanted the blonde to suffer, but because he still felt like he should pick the blonde up and put him in a nice safe box until he was better again. It was nice to know he could still feel that way. Cloud glanced at him briefly when he spoke.

“Yeah, I guess I wasn’t eating as much as I was supposed to,” the blonde said.

“You weren’t hungry?”

“I didn’t notice, no.”

“I see,” Leon said, looking his Charge over carefully and mentally cataloging everything that was wrong with him.

 _How can you stand to be near me?_ Cloud thought to himself.

“Well, you’re going to have to eat properly again because I’m not going to allow you to starve yourself,” Leon said.

 _But I should starve myself. I should die in the worst ways possible,_ the blonde mentally responded. He stood in place staring at the dirt as Leon walked away and headed for the doors.

“Are you coming inside? You should probably lie down,” his Carrier called.

 _Why are you being so nice to me?_ Cloud’s mind asked. He started shuffling towards the entrance again, still unresponsive outwardly. His mind was retreating into the furthest part within itself in an effort to conserve what little scrap of sanity he had left.

Cloud followed a few feet behind Leon as they walked through the halls, with Sunny following close behind them. She hadn’t said anything and the blonde didn’t seem to notice her. It was clear to her how unstable the blonde seemed and his lack of responsiveness was concerning. His body language was that of many abuse victims she had interacted with in her career. The timidity, the lack of communication, and the wide-eyed fear when there was nothing to be afraid of was all very telling. Of all the times Leon’s Signet alerted him to Cloud’s problems, the Carrier never said it was because of anything physical. It was all mental chaos. So, in Sunny’s mind, she was sure that whatever was happening with Cloud wasn’t something they could easily see on the surface.

But, the severity of mental abuse wasn’t any less than that of physical. Auron hadn’t called her very often to update her on Cloud’s status so she wasn’t sure what warning signs she should be looking for. For all she knew, Cloud could’ve been this way since he left and any further decline would manifest itself differently. She didn’t know if this was Cloud being scared or if this was his rock bottom. Leon didn’t seem too bothered by his demeanor just yet, so all she could do was wait and see if his Signet told him anything. Little did either of them know how close to the end of his rope Cloud really was.

“Did you need me to get you anything? Have you eaten today?” Leon asked when he pushed open the door to his Charge’s bedroom. Cloud shook his head, staring at his bed as if it was made of rusted nails. “Are you going to be alright? I’m concerned.”

Cloud shrugged, trying to feign indifference. “I’m okay. It’s just weird to be here,” he said. It wasn’t a lie, but it didn’t exactly convey the whole truth either.

“You’re sure?” the brunette asked.

“Yeah,” the blonde repeated. _It’ll be okay. I sort of have a plan. You don’t have to worry,_ he thought.

“…Okay,” Leon said hesitantly. He started to pull the door closed but stopped and nudged it open again. “You’ll call me if you need something, right?”

“Sure.”

“Promise?”

“No. But I’ll keep it in mind.”

“…Oh,” the brunette said. He watched Cloud’s back for a moment, waiting for his Charge to say something else. When he didn’t, the Carrier decided he didn’t want to pussyfoot around the issue anymore. He pushed the door all the way open and came into the room. “Look, Cloud, you’re acting very strangely and it’s kind of scaring me a litt—“

“I’d like to be by myself, please,” the blonde said flatly. He turned just enough to see his Carrier from over his shoulder.

“I’m not sure that’s a good—“

“Please. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

Leon hesitated again before slowly backing away, giving Cloud adequate time to change his mind. The blonde didn’t stop him, and when the door clicked closed, it sounded like a thunderclap to the Carrier. Worried, Leon stood outside of his Charge’s room with furrowed brows, his hands balled into fists at his sides. Sunny stepped up next to him and rubbed his back again. He glanced at her briefly before backing away from the door and going to lean against the wall across from it. He didn’t want to leave.

“Was that weird? Or am I just paranoid?” he asked quietly.

“No, it was weird,” she whispered. “It seemed like he was stuck between acting normally and falling to pieces.”

“I’ve never seen him like that before.”

“Well, it’s common for prisoners to act strangely when they return to regular society. It’s like culture shock. For almost a year he was told how to act and what to do but now he has complete freedom again and his structure is missing. It’s hard to reorganize your life in less than a day.”

“I guess. He didn’t even say anything relevant though. Didn’t… apologize, or get angry at me, or even make mention that he had been gone, really.”

“I’m sure he will once he wraps his head around being home again,” Sunny said.

Leon slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the floor with his arms wrapped around his legs. Sunny sat next to him, and they waited. The Carrier was expecting to hear Cloud crash around in his room in a fit of delusional rage or something similar. He was waiting for an indication that his Charge was going to hurt himself. Or wanted to talk. Or act human. Or for his Signet to do something. There were a lot of avenues Cloud’s weird behavior could take and the idea of leaving the blonde alone completely was scary.

Joshua and Neku caught up with them after a few tense minutes passed. They both looked between the pair on the floor and Cloud’s door several times. The silence that hung in the air was stifling, and after a short while, they both took a seat on the floor on the other side of Leon. They had done what they promised to and kept watch over the group as Cloud arrived home. It wasn’t like they were completely hidden from view, however, and were surprised when the blonde didn’t notice them. In fact, they found Cloud’s whole reaction just as strange as Leon and Sunny did. They were now waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Why are you sitting out here?” Joshua asked curiously. He kept his voice hushed as Leon and Sunny had.

“I don’t know. I just feel like I should be,” the brunette said.

The woman combed her fingers through her hair briefly. “Should we be concerned he’s going to hurt himself?” she asked.

“I don’t know. He’s said in the past that he doesn’t care if he dies, but I never got the impression he would actually do it himself.”

“Well, wanting to die and actually wanting to do it yourself are two different things but they tend to lead into one another. Is there a way for him to do it easily in his room?”

“Not that I’m aware of. He can’t break the windows, the mirrors, or the terminal to get the glass. And I was actually planning to take him to the supply shed to pick up new toiletries and stuff so I know all that’s in his bathroom is toilet paper and a bar of soap. So he doesn’t have any razors or anything,” Leon said. He thought about it carefully for a moment before shrugging. “I suppose he could try to hang himself? But that takes time and I’m sure my Signet would tell me before he gets far enough.”

“It’s not telling you anything now?”

“No,” the Carrier said. He pushed himself up from his seat and went to press his ear to the door. “He’s quiet too. Maybe he’s asleep?”

“Hopefully. I propose we go back to the lab and see how it goes. You’re confident he doesn’t have anything that is too quick for us to react to?” Sunny asked.

“Yeah. I just cleaned his room and replaced his linen this morning. I know what’s in it.”

“Then he should be okay. Even if he tries something, we can stop him. It’s not good for you to sit out here and torture yourself. Should probably find something to occupy your mind.”

“Maybe,” Leon sighed, watching the doorknob and willing it to turn. After a moment, he looked to Joshua and Neku. “Thanks for keeping an eye out for me. I’ll catch up with you guys later, I guess.”

“No problem,” Neku said. He stood and offered his hands to Joshua to help him up. They left quietly and Sunny led the way back to Leon’s lab with the Carrier following close behind.

\-----------------

In Cloud’s bedroom, things weren’t so peaceful. His mind was so overwhelmed with conflicting thoughts that it eventually shut down and didn’t allow him to piece proper sentences together. He sat in the middle of his bed, with the bag from the prison left on the floor, and stared down at his hands. The air around him felt like he was dreaming, but the last sensible strand of reasoning he had left told him he wasn’t. He really was home again, and he was going to live with Leon being present in his life again. The reality eventually hit him after forty-five minutes of delirious staring.

He couldn’t do it. His Carrier hadn’t blamed him, hadn’t hit him, gotten angry, or vengeful, or accusatory. Leon willingly welcomed him back and brought him to his bedroom that was very obviously recently cleaned and taken care of. He didn’t force Cloud to apologize, or acknowledge that anything bad had happened. He was just going to let it pass, the blonde thought. Leon was going to continue life as if Cloud was a decent person worthy of respect and care. But Cloud didn’t feel like he was worthy of anything at all. In fact, he was better off dead.

The guilt felt like it had taken a nosedive off a cliff and landed square in the middle of his spine. His entire body hurt and he couldn’t breathe very well. How was he going to fix this? How could he possibly exist in the same space as someone so generous? How could he ever undo the pain and agony he had forced on someone who was completely innocent? And Leon wasn’t the only one. He had hurt so many people over the course of his life, most of which he couldn’t remember clearly, but didn’t doubt they existed. Reno had told him of the lives he had stolen from people he didn’t even know and how they were just as innocent as Leon was. He didn’t question the truth to the redhead’s statements, and they only added to the pain that raked itself over his nerve endings.

And then there was Aeirth. Oh, Aerith. Her graciousness and love knew no bounds. She had to have known he was going to grow into a horrendous monster, and yet she loved him anyway. Even after he had hurt so many people during basic training, she welcomed him home and gave him a warm bed, just as Leon had. He had already been through this situation once before and it ended in disaster. Aerith hadn’t deserved to be punished for her generosity, but she had been. Leon didn’t deserve it either, but it was still early enough to avoid any more damage. Cloud couldn’t allow himself to lose control again; he was sure it was an inevitability. He couldn’t have any more blood on his hands.

After careful consideration, he decided his death was the best option. Once he made this very important decision, he felt better. His chaotic mind calmed some and he was able to think more clearly. That is to say, he was able to consider his methods better. The jumbled mess that had become his common sense still remained, but all he had to focus on was dying, so it made things easier to deal with. After all, once he was gone, everything would be better. Leon wouldn’t have to deal with living with his rapist, and everyone else in the facility didn’t have to live with an unstable murderer in their midst. It was a win/win.

There were no tears, no obvious upset. But he could feel the adrenaline in the tips of his fingers as he meticulously searched his room for something he could use that would guarantee an end. He couldn’t afford to try something that could leave him only partially indisposed. He was sure Leon would try to save him again, just as he usually did. But after several minutes of searching, he couldn’t find anything that immediately caught his attention. Before breaking any windows or mirrors came to mind, he thought about shattering his tablet. It was a lot thinner than the glass surfaces around his room and he felt that the easier it was to break, the bigger the piece he could get. But he discovered that he didn’t have to go that far.

The bottle of pills from the prison came with an extremely obvious warning label, describing the symptoms and dangers of overdose. He had never actually looked at the bottle before because the doses had been brought to him one at a time in a nondescript cup, and discovering it felt like fate. This was it. This was the best way. Death by neural suppressant meant nothing to him outside of the word ‘death’ but that was the only part he was concerned with anyway so it didn’t matter. The bottle was full of a ninety day supply, and he was sure that if he took all of them, any chance of survival was basically nonexistent.

The tears didn’t come until after he had downed every capsule, one fistful at a time, and three full glasses of water. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror once he was finished, and backed away from it until his back met with the wall. Quietly sobbing, he slid down to the floor and hugged his knees to his chest. He was scared. More scared than he ever had been in his entire life. He didn’t actually want to die, but he felt it was his only choice. It was the only way he could atone for everything he had done. He had nothing else to give, after all, and even if his life was worthless, he felt that giving everything away was better than forcing Leon to live with him. So even if the panic and regret in his mind told him he had made a mistake, he forced himself to sit and wait for it to end. He had to. It was his only option.


	93. Chapter 93

Chapter 93

“Leon,” Sunny said, watching the Carrier pace circles around the exam table. He hadn’t sat down or found a distraction like he was supposed to and the tense unfeeling expression on his face concerned her. He had been walking for over a half hour.

“I can’t figure out how to deal with this. It’s almost worse than him turning into a puddle on the ground. I can’t be angry at him like I planned to be,” the brunette mumbled.

“I’m sorry. Not everything goes according to plan, though. You should know that.”

“I know. But the least he could’ve said was ‘hello’ or something. It wasn’t even like he was awake. He just—“ Leon stopped abruptly as a sharp pain shot through his cerebral cortex. His vision blurred as all his senses focused on the intense message his Signet was sending through. His pupils dilated as large as they could before the sensation passed and they shrunk back to normal. The sudden rush of adrenaline and panic that shot through his body made him woozy and he felt like the world was spinning. He immediately headed for the door, his steps somewhat wobbly.

 “Leon?” Sunny questioned.

“Call an ambulance!” called before he hit the hallway. After a few more steps, he was able to force his legs to work normally and he started running.

Cloud’s bedroom wasn’t far from the lab and Leon reached it within a few seconds. He grabbed the knob and twisted, expecting it to open. Before he could register that it was locked, the rest of his body followed his hand and bashed into the door with a loud grunt. He didn’t knock or check the knob again just in case he was being clumsy. He simply backed up enough to bring a foot up and rammed it into the door with crushing force. The surface bent inwards and the strike plate that kept it closed broke easily under his strength. The door flew open and crashed into the wall, but he didn’t stop there.

“Cloud!” he shouted as he bolted into the room, but quickly realized the blonde wasn’t there.

The door to the bathroom was closed, and Leon leapt for it. Again, it was locked, but he didn’t instantly rear back to kick this one. The room on the other side was very small and the possibility of it colliding with his Charge was extremely high. Instead, he brought his elbow down on the knob. The soft aluminum underneath couldn’t hold on to the screws keeping it anchored in place and the mechanism was yanked out and left exposed and hanging, but still somewhat in place. Leon grabbed it and pulled backwards as hard as he could, keeping a foot on the wall to anchor himself. It eventually snapped and half of the knob came apart and ripped through to his side. He tossed it aside and shoved his fingers through the hole and pushed the rest of it through into the bathroom until there was nothing left to get in his way.

“Cloud,” he said sternly, nudging the door open. His Signet hadn’t given him exact details on what Cloud was doing, because technically, there wasn’t any damage yet. The blonde had been sitting on the floor for barely a minute and his meal of pills hadn’t had time to do anything. Leon knew he was suicidal and his mental state was extremely unstable, but he couldn’t immediately see what the blonde had done to himself.

Cloud didn’t respond to him and kept his face buried against his knees with his arms curled up and around, covering his head. Leon could hear him sniffling to himself, and he started looking around the bathroom for the problem. The empty bottle had rolled behind the toilet. He found it quickly and turned it around in his hands. He was then immensely angry at whoever didn’t tell him his Charge would have prescription sleep aids, but he set the rage aside for the moment.

“Where are the pills, Cloud?” he asked icily.

Silence. Cloud only curled his arms around his head more tightly, waiting for Leon to hit him.

“How many were in here?” the brunette persisted. When the blonde didn’t reply, he whipped the plastic cylinder at him and it bounced off Cloud’s shoulder, making him flinch before it clattered to the tile again. “How many!?” Leon screamed.

“Just… leave me alone,” the blonde said, his words barely audible behind his tears.

“Not possible,” the Carrier said, his patience leaving him.

Without warning, Leon leaned forward and grabbed a fistful of Cloud’s hair and pulled him up by it. Letting out a pained yelp, the blonde struggled to break free, clawing at his Carrier’s wrist. Yanking his Charge to his knees and dragging him towards the toilet bowl, Leon gave the follicles a shake, making Cloud yell in pain again. As soon as the blonde’s mouth opened, his Carrier shoved all four fingers of his free hand in, raking his nails against the back of his throat and forcing the blonde to gag. Leon didn’t stop until he could feel bile push up through his fingers. He then shoved Cloud’s face into the toilet and let him openly vomit.

Letting his Charge go, the Carrier calmly stepped to the sink and started to rinse his hand off, waiting for Cloud to finish retching. When he did, Leon knelt behind him and hugged the blonde around his middle. Locking his fingers together, he pulled his arms upwards into Cloud’s diaphragm, forcing the contents of his stomach up and out through his mouth again. Coughing between heaves, the blonde clung the toilet with shaking hands. Once he was finished again, and out of breath, Leon let him go and sat next to him on the floor. Cloud didn’t let go of the porcelain fixture until he could properly breathe again without choking on the air. Spitting into the water, he finally sat back, keeping his eyes on the floor.

It wasn’t until then that Leon let himself feel anything. Glancing into the toilet, his heart shattered when he realized just how many pills his Charge had swallowed. The reality of the situation solidified for him and rendered him speechless. Cloud really tired to kill himself. His Charge had been so unbelievably upset that he actually felt like death was a viable option for relief. Anger, guilt, betrayal, and anguish washed over him in one gigantic wave and forced tears to his eyes.

He reached forward and hooked his hands under Cloud’s armpits as if he was a child and pulled the blonde to him. His Charge let him without resistance. Hugging him tightly, he tried to listen to Cloud’s breathing to gauge any changes. He didn’t know exactly how many pills there had been, and he wasn’t optimistic enough to think that they had all been pulled out of Cloud’s system. The unknowns scared him, and he could remember feeling the same way when the blonde died in front of him after they had crossed through the portal coming home.

For Cloud, he could barely register what was happening. He was emotionally numb to what he had done to himself at that point and could only understand that Leon was holding him and quietly crying into his hair. Regret and remorse flowed through him slowly as his senses trickled back into place. He didn’t know what to do. Leon very clearly wanted him to live, but it didn’t make any sense to him. Why didn’t Leon hate him? How could he be upset by what he did? It was supposed to be a relief for his Carrier to be rid of him. He wasn’t supposed to be sad about it.

Cloud gave up trying to hold onto reason, and his mind retreated back into baser instincts. He was hurting and wanted comfort, and Leon’s warmth was good for that. He was scared and confused, and Leon was good for fixing that too. Therefore, this was okay. That was all he could compute. Sniffling loudly, he dragged his hands up and around until his arms settled on Leon’s hips. Hugging him back lightly, he let out a shuddering sigh followed by a few coughs as the air irritated his throat.

Sunny appeared in the room shortly thereafter followed by several paramedics and a stretcher. Leon didn’t notice them until they started lightly tugging on his arms as they tried to pry his Charge from him. He instinctively hugged the blonde tighter but quickly realized what was happening and let him go. Cloud was pulled to his feet, his features fearful and uncertain. The brunette wondered how much he would remember in a few hours; he was obviously out of it. He watched Cloud be led out of the bathroom and another paramedic came in and picked up the empty bottle of pills. Then they left as well.

“Leon?” Sunny asked, kneeling next to him. The brunette was staring down at the smear of residual vomit on the front of his shirt with a hazy expression. Tears dripped off his jaw to join it.

“He really tried to do it,” he murmured quietly in a daze.

“Yeah,” she responded, sitting next to him properly.

“I saved him.”

“You did.”

“Should I have?”

“Of course. Why shouldn’t you have?”

“Am I just going to torture him by keeping him here? He obviously wanted to escape me. It’s my fault he had to come back here.”

“You don’t know that for sure. Don’t do that to yourself. Not yet.”

“Why else would he have tried?” Leon asked, pulling his knees up and wrapping his arms around them. He rested his temple against them as well, tears trailing sideways in a constant flow. “Am I really so miserable to be around?”

“You don’t know what he was thinking. You have no reason to believe that’s what he feels. Before you draw conclusions, we should talk to him.”

“But… why else would he try to die?”

“You know as well as I do that there’s a laundry list of reasons. You can’t lump them all together and toss them aside as if they don’t matter. That’s unfair to Cloud.”

“I… I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do.”

“I know. That’s okay. You aren’t weird,” Sunny said softly. She gently wrapped her arms around his shoulders and hugged him. Leon heaved a shaking sigh and leaned against her.

“Tell me what I should do,” Leon murmured.

“We’re going to get you a fresh shirt and then I’ll drive you to the clinic to meet up with Cloud. Then you wait. I’m sure they’re going to pump his stomach so he won’t be able to talk right away anyway. We have some time for you to pull yourself together. Okay?”

“Okay,” the Carrier said miserably. He let Sunny help him stand and started trudging out of the room to head to his own.

\----------

“Am I late?” Auron asked, haphazardly trying to knot a necktie properly around his collar.

“Only by a whole lot,” Sunny muttered grumpily, shooing the man’s hands away from the silk so she could tie it for him.

“Well, I had to wait until lights out before the Warden could let me leave. Then I had to find Ansem and report in – and you know how hard it is to find that bastard in a timely fashion – and then I went to the facility. I had to then find someone who knew where you guys went, which wasn’t a cakewalk either. Then I had to get dressed. But you could’ve called me, you know,” the man retorted, pulling his suit jacket around and buttoning it as closed as he was comfortable with. Sunny adjusted his collar for him after she finished with the necktie.

“I could’ve, but I didn’t know what you were doing and I didn’t want to compromise anything. _You_ could’ve called _me_ , you know,” she fussed. Stepping back, she gave Auron a quick once over.

“Am I presentable, mother?” the man asked.

“I suppose. I don’t think Cloud will care. He’s asleep.”

“Yeah? On his own?”

“Not in the least. He’s been sedated since this afternoon,” Sunny said, leading Auron to the window that looked into Cloud’s recovery room. The blinds were open just enough for them to see inside. Leon was parked in an armchair he had pulled up next to his Charge’s bed, watching his face for any sign of problems. Cloud, appropriately enough, looked unconscious.

“What’d he end up doing to himself? I just knew to come here, I don’t actually know what happened,” Auron said.

“He tried to overdose on sleep medication.”

“They sedated a guy who tried to overdose on sedatives? That’s the most asinine bullshit I’ve ever heard.”

“The amount of time between Leon finding him and the doctors hosing out his stomach was less than a half hour. He didn’t have time to digest anything. They sedated him so he didn’t have to be awake during the procedure and he’s been out since. Something would’ve happened by how if they had made the wrong call. It’s been…” Sunny said, poking at her tablet to bring up the time. “Twelve hours or so?”

“Oh, wow, really? He went off that quickly did he? I thought you guys only got here a couple hours ago.”

“No, he hadn’t been home very long. As soon as he got out of the taxi we could tell something wasn’t right.”

“And you left him alone long enough for him to try something?”

“Well, he wanted to be by himself. Agitating him by forcing our presence on him probably would’ve done just as much harm and I’m not confident we could’ve changed his mind. That’s _if_ we could’ve convinced him to tell us his plan in the first place.”

“Has he said anything since then?”

“No. He didn’t tell Leon anything and hasn’t been lucid long enough to speak,” the woman said. She yawned, rubbing her eye lightly. “It’s been a long day.”

“I can imagine. I feel like going back to the prison and ripping the Warden a new asshole. I _told_ her at least half a dozen times that Cloud was on the edge and she still let him go home with something he could so easily overdose with? Stupid bint,” Auron said angrily, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yes, well, Cloud didn’t die. When the Technicians get the bill for his care they’ll probably approach her about it. I wouldn’t worry. She’ll get hers.”

“Probably,” the man sighed, running his hand through his hair. The time was starting to crawl into the wee hours of the morning of the next day and even though he hadn’t spent his time dealing with emotional fallout, he was still extremely tired. His own day had been a long slog through tedium.

“I should try to get Leon to sleep,” Sunny mumbled, rubbing her eye still. “He’s been sitting there for hours just staring at Cloud and not doing anything.”

“Has he eaten?”

“No. He refused to. He also said he hadn’t slept well last night. I wonder how long he’s actually been awake.”

“Ah, then bedtime would be good for him.”

“Definitely,” Sunny agreed.

She stepped around her companion and gently opened the door into Cloud’s room and came inside. Auron watched as she approached Leon and rubbed his back. She leaned close to him and talked to him in hushed tones, obviously encouraging him to get some rest as she motioned to the sofa on the other side of the room. It took her several minutes of effort, but she eventually convinced him to lie down. She then pulled a curtain around Cloud’s bed so he wouldn’t distract the Carrier, and went to turn off most of the lights. Once Leon was situated somewhat comfortably on his makeshift bed, she stepped outside again.

“You should probably go lay down as well,” Auron said to her as she exited. She heaved a sigh and nodded.

“I will. I just want to wait a bit and see if he actually falls asleep first.”

“I’ll do that for you. I’m going to take Leon’s place and stare at Cloud so I can make sure he doesn’t dissolve away or something. I’ll call you if it gets to be an hour and he’s still awake.”

“You’re sure?” Sunny questioned.

“Yeah. No big deal,” Auron reassured.

“Alright. That helps me a lot. Thank you. I’ll just be in the next room over.”

“Okay. Hopefully I don’t have to see you again before the sun comes up.”

“Right.”

They parted ways and Auron stepped into Cloud’s room to take Leon’s place in the armchair. Though tired, he was used to staying up for hours on end working with people to sift through their problems. Staying up for as long as Sunny needed him to wasn’t much of a chore. So he settled in with his tablet and reading glasses and waited. He would occasionally stop and check around the curtain and see if Leon was awake, but the brunette hadn’t moved. Auron half expected to look towards the sofa and see the feline Carrier’s eyes glint in the dark. He was glad when he didn’t, and after an hour of quiet, he stood from his seat and went to peek around Leon’s shoulder to see if he was out. He was.

It was another two hours before Cloud started to come around. By then, the sun was starting to rise. Initially, the blonde didn’t move much and only opened his eyes to a view of the curtain skewing his view of everything else. He blinked at it slowly, trying to figure out what he was seeing. After that, he glanced around his immediate periphery and noticed he was in a hospital bed. It took a few minutes for him to remember what had happened, and the realization was upsetting.

 _I’m alive_ , he thought to himself. Suddenly, his heart felt like it had sunk into his stomach and turned to ice. He didn’t want to be alive. He was supposed to be dead. This wasn’t okay.

“Hey kid,” Auron said, keeping his voice low. Cloud visibly startled and his attention whipped to the man sitting next to him. Wide-eyed, the blonde was speechless for a moment.

“Auron?” he croaked, his throat immediately protesting the exertion.

“Ssshh,” the man hushed, bringing an extended index finger up to his lips. “Leon’s sleeping. Got to be quiet.”

“Wh—what’re you doing here?” the blonde mumbled, taking in his used-to-be cellmate’s suit and tie.

“Waiting for you to wake up, obviously.”

“I don’t… I don’t understand.”

“I don’t expect you to.”

“How did you get here? What about solitary?”

“First of all,” Auron said, setting his tablet aside. Scooting the armchair closer, he fixed serious eyes on his patient. “You need to breathe. Take a deep breath for me.”

Cloud hesitated, but eventually did as he was told. “Please explain,” he said, his tone sounding more like he was begging rather than just asking for a favor.

“Okay,” the man agreed, sitting back again. “I needed an excuse to be separated from the rest of the inmates so I could leave the prison and come help you if you needed me. Unfortunately, I took too long. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you anything. I couldn’t risk exposure; it would’ve caused a lot of problems with the other prisoners.”

“So… you weren’t there because you killed your Carrier?” the blonde said. His voice was dry and a little hoarse.

“I was at one point many years ago. Not that prison specifically, but I did serve time in my own dome, and I am responsible for my Carrier’s death. I was locked away for about thirty years before the Technicians allowed me to enter into a rehabilitation program with the contingency that I help them deal with crisis situations between Carrier and Charge pairs. So that’s what I do. I was your rehab program,” Auron explained calmly.

“I… I don’t…” Cloud stammered, his brows knitting together worriedly.

“The only thing that’s changed about me is that I’m not a prisoner, Cloud. Everything else is the same. I promise.”

“But…”

“But what?”

“… I don’t know,” the blonde concluded. He wanted to be confused, but everything Auron had said made sense. It was just difficult to internalize the change. “Does this mean you’re going to hang around the facility? Or are you going home?”

“I’ll eventually leave this dome, yes, but for the next year I’ll be available for you to contact me if you need me. My ultimate goal is to help you and Leon get on with one another well enough to where I don’t need to be there for you both to be safe. Do you remember Sunny?”

“Sunny?” Cloud asked confusedly. It took him a moment to remember the woman. “Oh, yeah, I remember her. You know her?”

“Yes. She’s my partner in this. She’s been working with Leon since everything happened.”

“…Was she working with him before everything happened too? Is that why she talked to me?”

“No. That was a coincidence.”

“Oh. Great,” Cloud huffed, covering his face with his hands and dragging them down, pulling at his cheeks as he did so. He looked around and officially registered that he was in fact in the hospital, just as his bed had led him to believe.

“Are you okay with this?”

“No.”

“Can you tell me why?”

“Because I’m supposed to be dead.”

“I meant if you were okay with me sticking with you, but okay, we can talk about that too. Tell me what happened.”

“I tried to kill myself.”

“Right. Explain the thought process.”

“No.”

“Because?”

“Because I don’t remember,” the blonde grumbled. Auron wasn’t convinced, and instead of arguing with Cloud, decided to quietly stare at him with a disapproving look. The younger Charge glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. He couldn’t lie to Auron. The man had seen too much of his avoidance bullshit over the last ten months to be tricked. But the longer they watched one another, the tighter Cloud’s throat felt. His eyes started to water and he looked away before the tears could drip free. He didn’t have anywhere to hide, though, and settled for turning on his side with his back to the man and covering his head with his blanket. Embarrassment and shame coursed through his veins in a current so strong and painful that it stole his breath away even as the sobs started to shake his body. He eventually started coughing in an effort to retrieve the air his lungs desperately needed.

Cloud’s fit was enough noise to pull Leon from the deep recesses of his sleep cycle. Gradually, his consciousness dripped back to him and he was eventually awake enough to open his eyes. He hadn’t gotten nearly enough sleep to feel rested, and if anything, the nap he took only succeeded in making him feel like he was fighting a hangover. Blearily, he pushed himself up and mashed the heels of his hands in his eyes, trying to pull discernible thoughts together. After several minutes, he was able to register that his Charge was awake and quite upset.

“Cloud?” the Carrier called as he stood from his seat and went to peek around the curtain.

Auron had moved from the armchair to the edge of Cloud’s bed and was rubbing up and down the blonde’s spine between his shoulder blades. Cloud was still completely covered, but Leon could see his outline clearly under the thin fabric. Auron gave him a tired nod of acknowledgement before he turned his attention back to Cloud. Hugging himself, Leon retook his seat in the armchair and pulled his legs up into the seat with him. The blonde hadn’t heard him and was oblivious to his presence. However, after a short while, he slowly pushed himself up until he was sitting normally. It was then that he noticed his Carrier and froze in place, eyes wide and cheeks still wet with tears.

“Can you give us some space?” Leon asked, looking to Auron.

“Of course,” the man said. He shuffled off of Cloud’s bed and retrieved his tablet before leaving quietly. He waited outside the door.

Once they were alone, the air turned melancholic. Leon was still trying to wake up fully and could only bring himself to stare forward at the base of Cloud’s bed. Similarly, Cloud focused his attention down at his blanket. He wiped his face dry and sniffled a few times, but was otherwise quiet. Neither of them could think of something simple to say right away. They sat in silence for several minutes before Leon had the mental fortitude to speak.

“If you wanted to leave so badly, you could’ve just told me so. You don’t have to die to escape me, Cloud. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were trapped with me. I feel like I managed to hold your freedom hostage somehow, and you’re completely justified in hating me. But… there are easier ways. You don’t have to die,” the brunette said. Against his will, his eyes started watering as the images of Cloud dying flashed through his periphery. He wiped the moisture away quickly.

 _Why are you apologizing?_ Cloud asked mentally.

“Once we get home, you’ll only have to put up with it for a couple more days. I can get your contract terminated in that time. You’d…” the Carrier said, pausing to clear his throat as it threatened to tighten and strangle his words. “You’d be able to leave without consequence after that. Or, if you want, you can stay and find some work outside the facility first so you’re not without resources when you leave. Whatever you like. I just want you to be happy again.”

Mouth agape, Cloud stared at him in complete disbelief. “Stop it,” he said.

“Sorry,” Leon said quickly. He wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his face against his knees, keeping his attention averted. It wasn’t entirely clear what he was supposed to be stopping but he didn’t want to upset his Charge more than he already had so he didn’t question it.

The blonde could practically see the damage he had caused seeping out of Leon’s pores. His Carrier had become conditioned to react a certain way to him. It didn’t matter if whatever Cloud demanded didn’t make any sense, Leon was going to apologize and stop whatever he was doing in order to comply. It was extremely upsetting to know that he could take the person he thought looked so strong and healthy and strip it all away just by talking to him. Nothing had changed while he was gone. He thought Leon had gotten some help, but whatever help he had was nowhere to be seen.

Unbeknownst to Cloud, Leon had spent several months rehearsing how their lives were going to function once the blonde returned. He had been prepared to act a certain way to make sure that they could both be functional and not torture one another. He had it all planned out in his head and all Cloud had to do was show up and be mildly receptive. He had figured that after being in prison for almost a year that Cloud would’ve welcomed a change in enrichment. But Leon never considered the fact that Cloud would be so upset about coming back that he’d try to kill himself. It was a concept so alien to him, that he couldn’t completely comprehend how it was possible. It shredded all his mental preparations and left him feeling hopeless and vulnerable. Even after almost a day passed, he still didn’t know what to do.

“I don’t understand how you can sit there and tell me you want me to be happy after everything I’ve done. I didn’t…” Cloud trailed, pausing to cough as the words irritated his throat. He stared down at his palms as the tears renewed themselves and dripped off the end of his nose. “I didn’t do this to escape you. I did it because I don’t know how else to save you from me. Because that’s how it goes. I leave home, I do something awful, and then I come home again and kill everything I care about. It’s a pattern, and that’s what I’ve done with you. I left home, did awful things to you, and now I’m home again so all I’m waiting for is the part where I kill everything I care about.”

 _…Everything you care about? Here?_ Leon thought to himself, furrowing his brows together in confusion. He refocused his attention on Cloud but the blonde wasn’t looking at him.

“I couldn’t think of what else to do. Death is the easiest and the most permanent. There would be no coming back, and so it would’ve kept you the safest. I just… don’t understand why you stopped me. You should’ve been happy to get rid of me.”

“I don’t know how many more times I can tell you before you get it, Cloud. You’re the most important person in my life whether you want to be or not. I need you. Alive. Preferably happy, too.”

“But _why_? After everything I did to you? Why didn’t you just leave me behind when you had the chance? You could’ve been so much happier.”

Leon pulled the collar of his shirt up to use it to dry his eyes. “Maybe. But I’ve never been a happy-go-lucky sort of person, Cloud. From the moment I was matured and realized I was alone, I’ve been beating the shit out of myself because I needed to work as hard and as quickly as possible to make a family. I let that get in the way of my better judgment, and it hurt me as well as you, a hundred times over. I’m not innocent here.

“Sure, I didn’t hurt you physically, or belittle you, but I’ve made more than my fair share of mistakes otherwise. The smallest of which were the debates I had with myself about whether or not you were worth saving. I’d get so angry with how you treated me that I’d forget you were just as much of a victim as I was and that, if given the chance, you would’ve never done all the things you have. To anybody. Not just me.

“And even if you don’t think that’s true, I do because I watched you grow up. Given your circumstances, I saw you live a perfectly normal and relatively happy life. I know it creeps you out when I talk about it, but you have to believe me when I say that you had literally no reason to do any of the things you did, but you did them anyway. Not because you had a choice and you made a bad one, but because you were forced out of control of yourself. Had you never left Nibelheim, none of this would’ve happened. Aerith would still be here, I wouldn’t be a part of your life, and you would’ve been infinitely happier.

“But that’s not how it worked. I tried my hardest to give you the opportunity to be proud of something again and to feel like your life was worth living. I selfishly thought that you’d eventually want all the things I did if I tried hard enough. I did you a major disservice thinking that it was possible for you to be happy here with what little I had to offer you. And had I thought ahead and realized how truly miserable you were, we could’ve avoided this. I should’ve noticed what was happening with you and tried to help you find something else outside the facility instead of thinking you were adapting well in a completely foreign place that had nothing for you. I’m… I’m sorry, Cloud.” Leon explained, wiping as his eyes as they dripped more and more against his will.

Everything his Carrier said was a fact that Cloud couldn’t deny. All the turmoil in his life started when the military took him in, and he really couldn’t argue that he would’ve been much happier had none of it ever happened. He couldn’t say that he would’ve ever wanted the same things as Leon, even if they had another ten years to try and adjust accordingly. And his Carrier had ignored him and the majority of his personal development in the facility. It was entirely Cloud’s fault that he was being ignored because of his abusive tendencies, but he was. He couldn’t deny that it happened, but it only added to his own pile of mistakes. Had he just been relatively friendly to Leon, thinks might’ve been completely different.

He could tell this was an argument that had no real winner. Even if he committed the most obvious and heinous acts during the course of their relationship, Leon had made mistakes too. They were miniscule in comparison, but they were there. Cloud wanted to believe that the tiny problems the brunette had perpetuated wouldn’t have mattered even if they didn’t exist, but he couldn’t. There was one glaring mistake that Leon made that could’ve changed the course of their entire relationship. It was such a small thing, but most of the mistakes Cloud made later on might have been avoided had the problem never come to fruition. And it had nothing to do with showing him Aerith’s death.

“Why didn’t you tell me I raped you?” the blonde murmured, his eyes unfocused and teary as they remained staring down at his hands.

Leon stopped breathing. He was completely flabbergasted and couldn’t bring himself to speak. Petrified, he was frozen in place and all color drained from his face. He felt woozy as the room started to slowly ebb and pulse in his vision, his blood pressure rising. Every nightmare he had over the course of the last year had suddenly come true and he had absolutely zero mental preparation. He didn’t want to talk about it, let alone with Cloud. It was hard enough to be around the blonde as it was, and now he had to air out the dirty laundry to him too? When it was Cloud that hurt him in the first place? Impossible. He was convinced he would never survive.

“How… how do you know about that?” he asked, his voice small and timid as his vision started to blur behind a renewed veil of frightened tears.

“I saw it on my tablet,” Cloud replied solemnly.

“You watched… you… oh…” the Carrier said. He had the sudden overwhelming need to get away, and hobbled his way out of his chair and stood on shaky legs. Using the handrail on Cloud’s bed, he slowly wobbled away around the curtain and out of sight. Gripping his chest, it felt like his heart was going to burst as it struggled to remain steady. He couldn’t breathe as panic grabbed onto his throat and threatened to close it. He slowly lowered himself to the floor and sat before he could pass out. Quivering, he tried to force air into his lungs with deep heaving breaths with little success.

“I’m so sorry, Leon. For everything,” his Charge blurted from the other side of the curtain before he abruptly coughed out a loud sob that shook his entire bed. Pulling his legs up, he buried his face against his knees and curled his arms around his head like he had in his bathroom the previous day. He broke apart in his grief, letting out wailing cries of anguish that took his breath away.

Leon had never heard Cloud sincerely apologize to him before. Nor had he ever had his Charge outright bawl his eyes out in his presence. He didn’t know what to do. As soon as he thought that, though, his Signet decided to speak up and tell him about the blonde’s extreme emotional distress. It was the same message he had received multiple times before while Cloud was incarcerated. It was then he pieced together that his Charge had probably been torturing himself with what he had done for almost the whole time he was gone. Or, even if it wasn’t about the rape specifically, there was enough to be upset about the he got the same reaction on a somewhat regular basis. Regardless of what the answer was, it was still extremely upsetting for him to internalize.

Leon could breathe easier. Never in a million years could the Carrier expect his Charge to apologize to him, and in turn, he never thought about how much of a relief it would be. But it was. It further proved his original mentality of _it’s not his fault_. Cloud didn’t hurt him. Mako did. That didn’t mean that he could automatically throw away all of the hurt he had built up inside him from so many years of torment, but at the very least he could feel the panic of the moment subsiding. He didn’t know how he would feel in another few days, but in that moment, his priorities shifted. After another brief moment of catching his breath, he made his way back to Cloud’s bed and shakily sat next to him.

Slowly, and with much apprehension, Leon scooted closer and pulled Cloud to him. He wasn’t so much hugging him as he was letting the blonde lean on him with his arms hanging around his oddly shaped frame as much as possible. The wailing sobs continued for a while before his Charge’s sensibilities gradually came back to him and Cloud could breathe somewhat normally again. Leon ran his palms up and down the blonde’s biceps, gently encouraging him to sit up and look at him again. Eventually, his Charge calmed to just the occasional harsh sniffle that jerked his entire skeleton around with the ferocity.

“Look at me,” the Carrier said, sitting back and folding his hands in his lap. He watched Cloud take his time uncurling himself and do the same.

Still huffing and puffing, the blonde couldn’t keep constant eye contact, and his reddened eyes flicked between Leon’s face and the space on the bed behind the Carrier’s shoulder. He was expecting the brunette to be more upset than he had been, and it was very strange to him that Leon could be so close without wanting to vomit. But, even with flooded eyes and sagging posture, his Carrier still seemed weirdly calm. After waiting for Cloud’s attention to completely focus on him without much success, the Carrier eventually reached forward and cupped the side of his face and forced him to lock eyes with him.

“I forgive you,” Leon said carefully, immediately pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth to keep himself from descending into the hysterics that threatened to escape him. He could feel his fingers shaking against the side of Cloud’s face as the blonde stared at him for several airless seconds.

Completely astounded, the surge of emotion the blonde felt cut off every synapse that might have let him communicate. All he could do was burst into tears again, his entire face contorting to accommodate the sudden rush. The words were so unbelievable, so foreign to him, that he felt like they would fly away and become a fantasy again at any moment. In a desperate attempt to anchor himself and keep them a reality, he all but threw himself at Leon, immediately wrapping his arms around his Carrier’s middle and burying his face into his chest. After a prolonged deep wheezing breath, the wailing sobs renewed themselves but were now muffled against the brunette’s shirt.

Leon hugged him readily and fell to pieces with him, albeit not as loudly. Gradually, it felt like a weight lifted off his shoulders the longer he held his Charge. It was like nothing he had ever felt before, and especially not in relation to Cloud. For the first time, it really seemed like his Charge had come back to him. He didn’t feel like this was a fleeting moment of insecurity that would dissolve away in the next few minutes leaving behind the bristly blonde he had initially crossed over with. This was the feeling he had been waiting for but could only hope to feel. The one of success. Finally, after so many years, he found his Charge. The proper one. The one he really, truly, cared about.

The Carrier wasn’t so drunk on emotion that he believed everything would automatically be okay between them, but at the very least he could say that he wasn’t as afraid as he had trained himself to be. There wasn’t much room for Cloud to sink lower than he already had, so that meant things could only improve. The blonde didn’t try to kill himself to get away from him, but to save him. That meant, in a very twisted way, that after the delusional haze cleared, his Charge wanted to stay with him.

That also meant that they would have a lot of time together. The blonde would go on suicide watch after all, and because Leon was around and his Carrier, they weren’t going to be very far from one another for a long while. In a strange twist of events, the brunette found that he suddenly looked forward to having Cloud’s company. He didn’t get the impression his Charge was going to try and hurt him anytime soon, so he hoped that they could finally get to know each other properly. If they could manage to do that, Leon might consider seeing the blonde as a friend.

That, coupled with some peace and quiet, seemed like an okay situation.


	94. Chapter 94

Chapter 94

The ride back to the facility was quiet and awkward. Sunny drove with Auron in the passenger seat. Leon and Cloud were in the back, but neither of them had said much since the blonde had broken down and drooled all over his Carrier’s shirt. Whatever saliva based excrement existed had dried by that point and wasn’t visible anymore, but Cloud knew it was there, and he wasn’t happy about it. But besides being embarrassed with his behavior, he felt better. He was far from perfect, but better. Leon hadn’t pushed him to talk more, but he wondered how much more there was to say. Surely his Carrier had more questions for him than Cloud could think of. There had to be. He most certainly had questions for the brunette; he just didn’t know how to go about asking them.

Sunny and Auron took their patients aside and separated them for one last check-in before they left for the day. Both of them would be available to call whenever Leon and Cloud felt they needed it, but the routine visits were over. Sunny lived in the dome, so she was able to visit if they needed her to, but Auron had his own home to return to and Cloud wasn’t afforded such luxury. However, Sunny made it abundantly clear that she was more than willing to sit with the blonde and talk it out if he wanted her to. He politely declined. That was a little _too_ awkward for him. But the option was there.

“Um…” Cloud trailed, scrunching his face up with obvious confusion. He pointed at the open space that led into his bedroom and looked at Leon through squinted eyes. “I have no door.”

“You don’t have a bathroom door either,” the brunette said simply. He bypassed his Charge and helped himself to picking up a few of the blonde’s things. His tablet, some clothing, and an armful of pillows were all gathered up.

“Oh,” Cloud said, looking around the empty and bent doorframe into his room. “No, I do. It’s still there.”

“Well it doesn’t function very well, so you may as well not have one,” Leon corrected.

“Aah… right. I see that now,” his Charge agreed, taking in the dismembered doorknob parts scattered all over the floor.

“Come on,” the brunette said, taking his armful of supplies out of the room and down the hallway. Cloud hurried to keep up.

“Where are we going?”

“My room.”

“…Why?”

“Because you tried to kill yourself. Now you get to bunk with me. Technician’s orders.”

“Um… okay,” his Charge said hesitantly, not fully understanding what staying with Leon was supposed to accomplish.

“You also fucked yourself a little more than you think you did, just so you know.”

“In what way?”

“No more sleeping pills.”

“Wait, what?” Cloud spat, stopping in his tracks. Leon did the same and turned to look at him.

“Why would the Technicians give you the very thing you tried to commit suicide with? They’ve been labeled as what they call your ‘preferred method’ so now your record will tell anyone who looks at it not to give them to you.”

“How am I supposed to sleep?”

Leon shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“But… I like sleeping.”

“We’ll figure something out,” the Carrier reassured, heading off towards his bedroom again. Cloud trudged after him, feeling depressed.

Leon’s bedroom wasn’t much different than his own. The brunette hadn’t gone out and purchased any additional decorations or accoutrements for the space, so it was just as gray and bland as any other basic bedroom in the facility. However, Leon did have the camera and foldable tripod he used to record his lessons as well as the digital blackboard pushed off to the side of the room. Besides that, he also had the growing table with an abundance of purple and orange flowers spilling out over the edges. The table had a tarp underneath it protecting the carpet. Once he noticed them, Cloud stopped and seemed transfixed by the blooms.

Leon dropped the pile of stuff he had been carrying on his bed and turned to the blonde. The Carrier immediately raised a brow as Cloud, seemingly in a daze, stepped to the growing table and rubbed one of the flower’s petals between his fingers. The brunette froze in place, suddenly scared. He had been living with them for so long that he had forgotten the plants were there, and understanding their affects on human males, he really didn’t want Cloud to get involved with them. Just in case he was over thinking things, though, he didn’t instantly leap in front of him and stop him.

“I haven’t seen these in forever,” Cloud said, looking at the oil deposited on his thumb and forefinger.

“You know them?” Leon asked.

“Yeah. Aerith liked them. She called them _weeping ladies_ or something like that; I have no idea if that’s what they were actually called. She used to make perfume from them.”

“Really?” the Carrier questioned. He had never seen Aerith do such a thing, but then again, she hadn’t been his main focus.

“Mhm. It smelled nice. She didn’t wear it very often, though,” Cloud said, wiping the oil on his pant leg.

 _I can imagine she didn’t if you attacked her every time you happened to sniff her neck. Poor girl wouldn’t be able to get anything done_ , Leon thought.

“She used to tell me that perfume was for old ladies and she didn’t want to be an old lady before it was absolutely necessary,” the blonde said. He went and sat on the corner of the end of Leon’s bed with a sigh.

“Understandable. I wouldn’t want to be an old lady either,” his Carrier remarked.

 _I suppose she got what she wanted. She never got the chance to turn into one_ , Cloud thought, watching the carpet fibers intently. He nudged them around with his boot.

“Cloud?” Leon asked. He could see his Charge descending into deep thought, and given the recent circumstances, he didn’t feel that was a good idea.

“Hm?”

“What’re you thinking about?”

“Not killing myself, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“No. I wasn’t trying to,” the brunette said, picking up some of his Charge’s clothing off his bed and refolding it so he could put it away. “I was just wondering. I don’t want you to feel like you have to keep it to yourself. I feel like we’ve pretty much puked all of the problems from the last decade on each other anyway so if there’s something bothering you, you don’t have to hide it from me. But if you want to keep it to yourself, that’s okay too.”

“I just… was thinking about her, is all. Don’t mind me. I’m just being stupid.”

“I don’t think that’s stupid. She was a big part of your life. You’re allowed to think about her.”

“I guess,” Cloud sighed again. He flopped back against the mattress and stared up at Leon’s ceiling. He eventually noticed that his Carrier was folding his clothing, and then going to put them with his own. “I’m not entirely sure what staying with you tonight is going to do.”

“Oh, it’s not just tonight. It’s for the next six months,” Leon said simply, tucking his Charge’s clothing away in his chest of drawers.

“What!?” Cloud coughed.

“It’s called putting someone on suicide watch. You and I are roommates for six months. Neither of us gets to shower or use the bathroom with the door closed, either. But I’ll probably make an exception for that last thing. That might be a bit too weird.”

“How is that normal?”

“It isn’t. That’s why it’s inconvenient. You will shave with the door open, though.”

“But I thought pills were my preferred method,” Cloud said snidely, obviously displeased.

“I’m not going to argue semantics with you, Cloud. It’s just the way it’s going to be. You can either whine about it and make it harder on us both or you can keep quiet and realize I’m not trying to torture you,” Leon said. He stepped back to the bed and tossed the blonde’s pillows to the top of it and next to his own.

“This sucks.”

“The bed is big enough for us both with space in between, but I can sleep on the floor if that’ll make it suck less for you.”

Guilt hit Cloud in the chest like a metal spike. He could feel himself becoming hypersensitive about everything that might make his Carrier feel bad, and he wasn’t sure if that was okay or not. It was completely unfair to Leon for Cloud to come home after being gone for so long, cause a bunch of upset, and then kick the brunette out of his own bed for no real reason. He thought back to his internal debates about what he could do for Leon to return his generosity. Making him sleep on the floor because he was afraid of the brunette’s cooties didn’t seem like the best way to go about making everything right again. Besides, he had just spent the morning rubbing his face in Leon’s cooties in a fit of emotional delirium. His skin wasn’t melting off, so that must’ve meant that being that close to his Carrier wasn’t a big deal. Arguing about it also took effort, and he was much too tired for that.

“No… no, it’s fine. You don’t have to,” Cloud concluded.

“You’re sure? I can sleep just about anywhere.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Hm,” Leon hummed, the skepticism in his face apparent. He watched Cloud closely.

“What?” the blonde asked, catching his Carrier’s suspicious look.

“Nothing. I’m just a little surprised.”

“I can’t say that I’d blame you, but I’m being serious. It’s okay.”

“Alright,” the brunette agreed. He sat next to Cloud on the bed. “I promise I’ll try as hard as I can to make this as painless as possible for you.”

“Thanks, mom,” the blonde said. He sat up and ran a hand through his hair with a sigh.

“I’m being serious.”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Cloud grumbled. He glanced at his Carrier out of the corner of his eye. “I’m not used to this. I’m still trying to come to grips with the idea that I almost managed to kill myself yesterday. It doesn’t seem real.”

“Well I hope you never get used to attempting suicide. That’s not exactly a good way to live.”

“No, I mean… I’m not used to…” Cloud sighed again, trying to think through what he was trying to say. “I’m not used to being taken care of. It makes me feel weird. So, I’m sorry if I’m being an ass about it. I’m trying not to be, but it’s hard.”

“Oh. I see,” Leon said. He shuffled his feet against his carpet idly. “I’ll try to remember that, then.”

An awkwardly long silence passed as the conversation came to a halt. Neither of them knew what else to say even though there were entire novels of questions, comments, and emotional outbursts that were just waiting for their moment to shine. Leon focused on the floor in front of him. Cloud watched his Carrier; particularly his face. The brunette wasn’t expressing much but he seemed to have less tension in his brow than what the blonde remembered. Maybe it was their time apart, or the cathartic mess that was the last twenty-four hours, but Leon seemed to be feeling better. Even if it was only a little, it still counted, and Cloud was acutely aware of the relief it brought him.

“So uh…” he trailed dumbly, causing Leon to look at him. His Carrier raised a brow. “When did you decide to grow out your hair?” Cloud asked.

“Reno came to visit shortly after you were arrested and decided I needed to change it.”

“Oh. So you picked this to appease him?”

“No, he picked it. I just can’t be bothered to change it back. Why? Does it bother you?”

“No! No. I was just wondering. It’s a big change. I never got the impression you were one to worry about that kind of thing so it was surprising to see any sort of change when I came back. I expected you to look the same.”

“It’s just hair. I look the same underneath it,” Leon said, confused by his Charge’s choice of conversation. Cloud never seemed to pay much attention to his appearance before. The only time he did was in reference to Leon’s feminine face and copious amounts of scars; and that was more of a mocking observation than anything else.

“I don’t know about that. It makes your face look a little different. Nothing huge, but it does,” the blonde said with a shrug.

“I can change it back,” the brunette volunteered, standing so he could make his way to his Catalogue Terminal.

“No, no, that’s not what I meant,” Cloud said quickly, grabbing the back hem of his Carrier’s shirt before he could get very far.

“Okay…” Leon trailed, shuffling backwards to return to his seat. He sat again, his posture turning tenser as his apprehension towards the conversation rose.

“I’m not trying to tell you to do something. I’m just… making bad conversation. That’s what you want me to do, right? Talk to you?”

“I wanted you to talk to me if you felt like you needed to. You don’t have to force yourself to talk to me if you don’t want to. I won’t torture you like that. It’s okay.”

“It’s not torture.”

“Cloud, forgive me, but you’ve never had any interest in anything I’ve ever done _ever_ , so I find your sudden curiosity somewhat unsettling. It’s really hard for me to believe you suddenly care about anything having to do with me. Is there something you want that you’ve not sure how to ask for?” Leon asked, fixing suspicious and somewhat worried eyes on his Charge. He didn’t like the amount of effort his Charge was putting forth to keep his attention.

“No. No…” the blonde said, his words ending in a deep sigh. He ran a hand over his face, the extent to which his neglect and abuse changed Leon’s perception of him sinking in. It was an obvious detail, but he still wasn’t over being surprised by it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” his Carrier said.

“Stop. Just stop,” Cloud insisted, holding his face in his hands. Confused, Leon simply sat and watched him as the blonde slowly descended into depression once again.

They couldn’t even make weird small talk, how were they supposed to share the same space for six months? Cloud had no idea. Without spending most of their time together in tears and begging for some sort of civil validation, the blonde was clueless about how to solve their problem. Anything he did would be taken the wrong way, and if he tried to fix it, Leon would think he’s being scolded. He had dug such a deep and dark pit into the Carrier’s psyche. Somewhere along the line, he must’ve hid the mental dirt that came out of the hole from himself. He couldn’t find a way to refill the void he had created between them and make it whole again; assuming it was ever whole to begin with. He had his doubts. But one thing was certain: the entire situation was extremely upsetting.

“Cloud?” Leon asked after his Charge went quiet for a strangely long period of time. The blonde was still hiding behind his hands in shame. When he finally looked to the brunette again, Cloud’s eyes were a bit misty.

“Yeah?” he mumbled from behind his palms. Leon furrowed his brow together.

“Are you absolutely sure you want to be here? I’m not convinced this is the right way to make you happy.”

“Please stop it. Stop… just stop making this about me,” Cloud said quietly, the tears building along his bottom eyelids.

“…I don’t know what ‘this’ is, specifically, so I don’t know how to stop.”

The Charge hesitated. “Okay. I’m sorry if I get gross about this but I’m going to try and explain it to you,” Cloud said carefully. He wiped the moisture from his eyes, but it was immediately replaced by more. He gave up.

“Okay…” Leon said, furrowing his brows together. Cloud sat up and took a deep breath, fixing serious eyes on the Carrier’s face. His voice was harsh, as if he was angry even though he didn’t appear to be.

“You don’t owe me shit, motherfucker. So stop. Making. It. Sound. Like. You. Do,” the blonde said, with as much bravado as he could muster. It crumbled apart as soon as he was finished, though, and he fell apart, the tears tumbling down his face like waterfalls.

Immensely confused, Leon didn’t know what Cloud wanted him to do with his erratic emotions. His first instinct was to try and hug him again, but the blonde told him to stop. Stop what? Stop caring? He didn’t understand how wanting Cloud to be happy was making it sound like he owed his Charge something, but he did understand that it was making Cloud upset. So, he tried to comply as best he could. That resulted in him doing nothing but sitting there awkwardly as the blonde broke apart like a traumatized six year old. Cloud eventually pulled his legs up onto the bed with him and hugged his knees. He continued blubbering for several minutes after but eventually calmed.

“Cloud?” Leon asked gently, his hands in his lap.

“Whut?” Cloud murmured, mortified with his inability to control himself. He kept his eyes buried against his knees and snorted back a noseful of snot.

“I just want you to know that it’s basically impossible for me to stop caring about your wellbeing; even if it’s something you don’t want me to do. It’s not something I can just… flip off with a switch. So, can we think of something else? Like think of a way for you to accept that? Because that’d be the most beneficial for both of us.”

“How? How can you do that?”

“Do what? Care about you?”

“Yes! And… all the other stuff! Forgiveness!”

“Well, it’s easy to forgive a person when you don’t really blame them in the first place,” Leon said with a shrug.

Cloud peered at him with one red and puffy eye, watching his face closely. Leon gave him a tiny lopsided smile with raised brows. Sniffling again, the blonde wiped his face with his hands a few times before giving up and using his shirt instead. He rolled onto his back and started pushing himself up towards the head of the bed with his feet. When he could reach one, he pulled a pillow down and covered his face with it, attempting to hide behind it with little success. He laid there, spread eagle, and sighed deeply, wondering when his heart would stop beating so fast. The emotional rollercoaster he was riding was getting terribly frustrating and he desperately wanted it to stop. He had never felt such a strange jumble of feelings before and he didn’t like it.

“Did you want to try and take a nap? Or did you want to do something else?” Leon asked, thinking it best to try and move away from the emotions for a moment.

“Suggesting I try and nap is just cruel,” Cloud mumbled, his words muffled by the pillow.

“You could always try. The worst that happens is you lay here for an hour and get really bored.”

“…I guess.”

“Or if you’d rather get up and do something, we could go to the supply shed and get you some stuff. I don’t exactly have all the things here you need because I don’t use them.”

“What things would those be?”

“Razors and shaving cream for one. Deodorant, also.”

“You don’t use deodorant?” Cloud asked, pulling the pillow down to give the Carrier a side-eyed suspicious look.

“No. My skin and sweat are synthetic and don’t produce smells like humans do. I have scent glands, but they’re mostly for my Totem and for Carrier noses. If I cover that up with deodorant, other Carriers have a hard time telling I’m a Carrier too and that’s considered sort of rude.”

“Rude? Really?”

“Yeah. The logic behind it is: if I’m trying to mask that I’m a Carrier, what am I trying to hide from them?”

“I guess that’s true. Still weird, though.”

“From your perspective, I suppose it would be. But regardless of whether or not it’s okay with you, it doesn’t change the fact that we need to get you some basic supplies. So if you don’t want to sleep, we should do that instead of sit here.”

Cloud hesitated. “Yeah… yeah, fine.”

For all the times in his life where he thought people were staring at him, Cloud never had any real evidence that they were. But now he did. He could blatantly see other Carriers and Charges glaring daggers at him as he slowly trudged behind Leon, following him through the winding hallways. A few of the pairs that were just leaving their labs turned around went to stand in front of the doors when they saw him, as if they were waiting for him to try and force entry into their spaces. It was so unbelievably unsettling that he subconsciously started slowing down and leaning against the wall as he walked so he could be as far away from everyone else as possible.

Leon didn’t realize how far behind Cloud had fallen until they were almost outside. He turned to try and strike up some conversation but noticed his Charge was several yards away from him. Cloud looked like he was equal parts nervous and angry, and Leon wasn’t sure how to interpret it. He didn’t think Cloud had any reason to be angry, and he wondered if that was just how the blonde expressed apprehension. After all, his body language spoke of nervousness, but his face didn’t. Leon could see the looks the other Carriers and Charges were giving the blonde, and he couldn’t blame them, but he didn’t want Cloud to get so overwhelmed that he snapped back at them. So, Leon went back to retrieve him.

“ _Are you scared or angry?_ ” Leon asked, choosing to use Cloud’s native tongue to save him some embarrassment. He held his hand out to the blonde and his Charge stared at it.

“ _Neither_ ,” Cloud insisted after taking a moment to register the language change.

“ _You’re a horrendous liar, you know that? Take my hand,_ ” the brunette insisted.

“ _Why?_ ”

“ _Because it’ll give everyone else the impression that you and I are okay. If they get that, they might be less hostile_.”

“ _I don’t understand_ ,” Cloud said. Regardless, he hesitantly did as he was told and took Leon’s hand. His Carrier then started leading him down the hallway again.

“ _Well, for as much as you may believe Carriers are people, we don’t actually function like normal humans do. A lot of animals use body language to communicate, and a lot of Carriers work the same way but with the conflicting human perception of facial expression. Your body language says you’re scared. Your face says you’re angry. Either way, that gives the impression that you’re unhappy and liable to retaliate if you’re provoked. Like when a cat puts their ears back and hisses but stays low to the ground and looks like it’s trying to get away_ ,” Leon explained.

“ _So what does that have to do with you and I being okay_?”

“ _Well, if I’m not concerned that you look cranky and upset, and I’m the one who should care the most about it, that should give people the impression that you aren’t really as unstable as you look. Theoretically._ ”

“ _I’m not convinced that holding my hand is the solution. I should just… not look unstable._ ”

“ _I didn’t get the impression you even knew you looked like that so I can’t really expect you to know when it happens and magically be able to change it. But if you can make it work, then by all means try it. For now, though, this is a temporary fix. When you’re feeling better, we can work on the harder fixes._ ”

“ _Yeah, I guess_ ,” Cloud mumbled miserably.

“ _Or does this bother you too much? We don’t have to; I just figured it’d help people stop staring and make you less nervous_.”

“ _I don’t actually know what to think right now. I’m sort of overwhelmed_ ,” Cloud admitted.

“ _Understandable. I would be too. I spent a long time feeling like an outcast after I decided to keep you._ ”

“ _Why would **you** be the outcast? That doesn’t make any sense._ ”

“ _They didn’t want you back because they were afraid you’d come after their labs next. So the fact that I wanted you back didn’t sit well with them. The work we do here is very precious, Cloud. If there was an unrelated dangerous person living amongst us, I would be the same way. They don’t understand the particulars behind our situation, nor do I want them to, but I can’t blame them for being protective. To them, it just looked like you went off the deep end and destroyed the lab and tried to kill me. They don’t understand your reasons. I do, though._ ”

“ _How can you be so calm about this_?”

“ _Believe it or not, you look like a different person to me than you did before you left._ ”

“ _What does that have anything to do with being calm_?”

“ _Well, think about it. Most of our time together was when you were very sick and constantly angry at me. I got used to you looking like an unhealthy and somewhat demented person. That’s what was normal---_ “

“ _I’m sorry_.”

“ _I know you are. And that’s what I’m talking about. You don’t look like an unhealthy and demented person anymore. You lost a little weight while you were away, but you do look better overall. And you don’t give me the feeling you’re on the razor’s edge of snapping at me anymore. You’re less angry. More sad, but less angry. And that matters._ ”

“ _If you say so._ ”

“ _I do. You’re just going to have to believe me,_ ” Leon explained. He let go of Cloud’s hand as they made it to one of the facility’s back entrances. Cloud stuffed his hands in his pockets and kept his eyes low.

“ _I have a hard time believing what I don’t understand,_ ” he said.

“ _I can get that. Plus, working with Sunny helped me a lot. I’m not afraid to fight back anymore. So, if you **do** decide to go off and try to destroy my lab again, I **will** rip your innards out and feed them to you. I’m just sayin’._ ”

“ _Right…_ ”

“ _Do I have to worry about that?_ ”

“ _No. I don’t… want to hurt anyone anymore. I never really did in the first place, but I’m more aware of it now_.”

“ _Good. I thought so._ ”

“ _You were afraid to fight back before, though_?”

“ _Mostly because I didn’t want to hurt you._ ”

“ _Oh_.”

“ _I believe I’ve told you that I will always be stronger than you._ ”

“ _I don’t remember_.”

“ _Well, I’m pretty sure I have. I’m the one that destroyed your door and broke your doorknob in half to get to you yesterday_.”

“ _Really? What’d you do it with_?”

“ _My hands._ ”

“… _Oh,_ ” Cloud said, casting a sidelong glance at his Carrier. The sunlight beaming through the dome overhead and the fresh smell of grass was a sharp contrast to the context of their conversation.

“ _Actually, technically, it was mostly my foot. I kicked your door off its hinges._ ”

“ _Oh. For a minute there I thought you were going to tell me something impressive_.”

“ _I like to think I’m a humble person,_ ” Leon joked. His steps slowed until he came to a stop. Turning to his Charge, he fixed icy eyes on him. “ _But I am serious, Cloud. If you ever harm my project again, you will leave here in a body bag. Understood_?”

“ _Y-yeah. Understood_ ,” the blonde said, obviously unsettled.

Cloud had never been in any of the supply sheds before. The refrigerated room was fascinating to him and he took several minutes to just wander around and look at everything. He recognized most of what he saw but there were a few things he wasn’t sure of. Leon explained them to him and he discovered that they were mostly medical supplies and basic medications for varying ailments. That was all well and good, he supposed, but the most interesting part was the wall of condoms. The menagerie of different kinds was extremely strange to him. He picked up several boxes and turned them around in his hands.

“You seem confused,” Leon remarked.

“I am,” Cloud confirmed.

“What about?”

“Why the fuck half of these exist. I don’t know about Balamb, but we didn’t have all this nonsense in Midgar. Condoms were basically just… dick socks,” the blonde said. Leon laughed, and the abrupt sound caught Cloud’s ear immediately. He didn’t react outwardly, but he was very aware of how rarely he had heard Leon laugh before. It was somewhat nice to hear. Comforting. He hadn’t damaged his Carrier so much that he couldn’t laugh anymore, which was good.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. This is a little excessive, I’ll admit,” the brunette agreed.

“I mean… I suppose some of this would be interesting?” Cloud guessed, holding a box towards Leon so he could see. “I’m not really sure what a dick sock needs studs for, but I’m pretty sure a bunch of lumps being held against you wouldn’t exactly help anything.”

“I have no idea. Personally, I’ve never thought to myself: ‘You know what this sex needs? More lumps.’”

“Right?” Cloud agreed, turning over another box. “What the fuck is ‘ _climax control_?’”

“I suppose if you have low stamina…”

“No, I get that part, but _what is it_? Does it shove a bunch of nails in your balls to get you to stop enjoying yourself? It sounds awful.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Oh! And these ones vibrate. Just in case you weren’t vibrating enough, they’ve got you covered. How nice,” Cloud remarked, shaking his head.

“Aw, that’s kind of them,” Leon said, picking up a box to look at. “I have no idea if any of these existed in Balamb. The girl I was with briefly had some already because apparently her ex wasn’t the ideal partner for such ventures.”

“He was that much of a prude?”

“No, he was gay. He was with someone else while he was with her and basically used her as a cover to hide behind. She eventually left him, but he stayed with the guy he had on the side. Then I fucked the side-boyfriend after they broke up,” Leon said. He set the box down. Cloud raised a brow and stared at him with wide eyes.

“Oh. Interesting.”

“I guess,” the brunette said with a shrug.

“I assume that was what’s-his-face?”

“Zell? Yeah.”

“Huh…” the blonde trailed thoughtfully. “That’s quite a story.”

“It is a little weird when you think about it, isn’t it?”

“I never had such dramatics in my life.”

“I don’t recommend them. You’re lucky,” Leon said. Cloud set the boxes back where he had gotten them. “Ready to leave? Are you done?”

“Yeah. They lost their novelty,” his Charge said.

“Sorry I ruined your fun with my weird story. I’ll keep it to myself next time.”

“No, that’s not what I meant by that.”

“Oh. What did you mean, then?”

“Honestly? Nothing. I really was just done with them.”

“You’re sure?” Leon questioned, still skeptical. Cloud fixed a serious look on him.

“Leon, I understand that there’s a lot of fixing to do, and most of it’s on me to get it done. But, I need your help with it. You can’t question my motives behind everything I say to you. Which… now that I say it out loud, it sounds like I’m trying to hide something, but I really just want to be able to talk to you without you feeling like you did something wrong or have to change something to appease me. Don’t make it about me all the time. Is that feasible?” the blonde asked.

Leon opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. He then considered his Charge’s words carefully. “Yeah. Yeah that’s okay. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”

“I know. I’m asking a lot. That’s part of the reason I was so upset before; I’ve been such a nasty person to you that you feel like everything I say is some sort of criticism. I’m trying really hard to change that. So I need you to try and not find hidden meanings that don’t actually exist.”

“Okay. I’ll try,” Leon agreed.

“I’m sorry,” Cloud sighed, his expression drooping again. “It shouldn’t be like this.”

“You’re right. It shouldn’t be,” the brunette said. He went to pick up his bundle of supplies and started scanning them at the tiny inventory terminal by the door. Cloud followed him, albeit slowly and with melancholy seeping out of his pores.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are, Cloud. You don’t have to keep telling me.”

“But I feel like I do. I’ve done so much to yo--”

“I know you have. But I would much prefer you work to make it better rather than keep apologizing. Can you do that for me?” Leon asked. He stepped out into the sunlight again, the box of supplies in his arms. Turning to look at his Charge as the blonde exited the shed, the Carrier tried his best to give him an encouraging expression. It was difficult; he wasn’t even sure if he looked encouraging or just constipated. He had never had to legitimately encourage someone before. It was usually the other way around with the people he knew doing the supporting.

“What can I do?” Cloud asked, on the verge of tears for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

“Do your schoolwork, learn the material, and help me meet the goals I have. That’s all. It’s going to take a while to get it right, but you can do what you want with the time outside of school and work so hopefully it’ll go fast for you. Have a life. Be happy,” Leon said. He headed for the facility again and Cloud fell in step with him.

“Work and school are fine, but what are _you_ doing to do with the rest of your time outside of that? What’re _you_ going to do in order to have a life and be happy?”

“I haven’t decided.”

“I would prefer if we figure that out before I go out and do anything for myself. Before I came home, Ansem told me I should find something to do in order to apologize properly for everything I’ve done. I realized I have no idea what you like, what you do outside of work, or what makes you happy. I… never bothered to know that stuff. And I feel like an asshole,” Cloud said. He wiped his eyes quickly before they made it inside and amongst the general facility populace again.

“I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel like an asshole, but I can understand why you treated me the way you did.”

“There’s no excuse—“

“Sure there is. From the beginning, I’ve been everything you’ve been taught to hate. I wasn’t from Midgar, I supported Balamb and was training to fight for them, I’ve had a relationship with another man, and… I was sort of a prick to you, too. You really don’t need to make excuses for yourself or apologize anymore. I get it. I understand why you didn’t bother to know me. The only reason I could say I knew you was because I watched you grow up. You didn’t have that sort of knowledge about me. It’s okay. If I’m honest about it, I don’t really know much about you anymore because you’ve grown and changed so much without me watching. So we’re sort of on even ground in that regard.”

“I still don’t think that’s an excuse. I should’ve known better.”

“And what part of your life told you to know better? Everyone around you thought the same things, and you didn’t know about the details surrounding your problems because I was an idiot and didn’t tell you. So why on Earth would you know better?”

“…I don’t know.”

“Exactly,” Leon concluded. He stopped walking for a moment and turned to his Charge with a serious but gentle face. “I don’t think you could ever understand how much your apologies mean to me, but once is enough. Now, I would like you to turn that energy towards getting better and staying on task, okay?”

Cloud seemed to give his words a great amount of thought. He eventually nodded shallowly with a loud sniffle. “Yeah. Okay.”


	95. Chapter 95

Chapter 95

As predicted, Cloud was having problems sleeping. For their first evening together, neither he nor Leon slept very much. The amount of anxiety the blonde had for the entire night was unlike anything he had felt before. It was a constant panic about never being able to sleep ever again, even though he knew in the back of his mind that it was a very unlikely truth. Leon tried his best to calm Cloud down, but the withdrawal was too much. The blonde spent most of the evening in tears, terrified of not sleeping and losing control of himself. It eventually got to the point where all Leon could do was lie next to him and wait for the sun to come up. Buried under his pillows, Cloud didn’t pay much attention to him.

The second night was more of the same. As was the third. Leon had taken to stealing short naps during the day while Cloud did his schoolwork, but by the time the end of their first week together came around, he was utterly exhausted. Cloud had only slept a couple hours total through all seven days. Even after the withdrawal faded and the panic over not taking his medication subsided, the blonde was still very upset and concerned that he was a ticking time bomb. No amount of reassuring words were going to change his mind about it, and Leon was at a loss. But then he suddenly remembered something.

“Come here,” the Carrier said sleepily. He was sitting up on his side of the bed and it took every ounce of his willpower to stay awake.

“What?” Cloud asked, scooting a bit closer but not as close as the brunette wanted him to be. Leon tugged a pillow around and set it next to his side.

“Lay here,” he said.

“…I don’t want to.”

“Then you’re not going to sleep tonight. I want to try something, but you need to be over here.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Nothing bad. Trust me.”

“…I’m not really comfortable with this.”

“Cloud. Seriously. You’ve already spent seven nights next to me and you’ve dumped all your crazies on me in the process. You don’t have any reason to suddenly be uncomfortable being near me.”

“Yeah, but—“

“Just shut up and come over here,” Leon grumbled.

“You’re not going to just like… lean back and fart in my face and hope I pass out are you?” Cloud asked suspiciously. Despite his apprehension, he moved closer and lay where he was instructed.

Leon laughed. “No.”

“Okay,” the blonde sighed. He tapped his fingers against the pillow. “So what now?”

“Just lay there,” Leon said, reaching over to click off the lamp next to his bed. He settled back into place.

Cloud startled when he felt fingers slide through his hair. “Hey!” he barked, immediately sitting up again.

The Carrier sighed. “Can you please just cooperate?”

“I didn’t ask to be pet like a dog!”

“I’m not. I’m just trying something different. What’s the worst that happens? It doesn’t work and it’s sort of weird. Just let me try before you decide to pass judgment.”

“I don’t like this.”

“Well, have fun being awake, then. I need to sleep before I rip your throat out,” Leon said, scooting down until he was lying against his pillows normally. He turned on his side with his back to his Charge and settled in.

“But… aren’t you supposed to be watching me or something?”

“My Signet will wake me up if you get too hysterical again. Goodnight,” the brunette said.

Cloud stared at him for a moment, dumbfounded. But he knew he shouldn’t be. He really was making Leon’s life more difficult just by being around him and forcing his Carrier to deal with his issues, but he couldn’t help it. Gloom settled on his shoulders and made his body ache with upset. Between the sleeplessness and the staggering guilt he had been dealing with, it was easy for him to feel overwhelmed by his feelings. A torrent of thoughts filtered through his sleep deprived mind. Worthlessness, self pity, how much of a monster he was; all of it hit him in one huge rush and forced an abundance of moisture to his eyes. Again.

Leon heard his Charge sniffle loudly and he looked back at him from over his shoulder. Cloud had settled for listlessly sitting and staring ahead of himself at the foot of the bed as tears rolled down his cheeks. With his arms limp at his sides, he was the epitome of pathetic portraits. The Carrier sighed. He hadn’t actually intended on going to sleep and just leaving the blonde to his own devices. He was attempting to use his Charge’s desperate need for sleep against him by way of reverse psychology. He had been hoping that Cloud would get over whatever bigotry was making him uncomfortable in favor of trying a new tactic, even if that tactic wasn’t guaranteed to work. It backfired, and now the brunette had done more harm than good. With another heavy sigh he turned to Cloud and sat up again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you’d give in and let me give it a try. You called my bluff,” the Carrier said. He yawned and rubbed his eyes.

“…I’m never going to sleep normally ever again, am I?” Cloud mumbled; mostly to himself.

“Not if you don’t try different stuff to see what works. Even if it’s a little weird for you.”

“I guess.”

“What is more important? Sleep or something weird?”

“Sleep.”

“Okay. So can I try again?”

“Why bother? It’s not like I deserve it.”

“Holy mother of fucking shit, Cloud,” Leon groaned, running a hand over his face. “No. We’re not starting this for the billionth time this week. Come on,” he insisted, grabbing hold of his Charge’s shirtsleeve and tugging him to the side. Cloud flopped over with his face more or less where Leon had originally wanted it.

“I’m sorry,” the blonde murmured, sliding his arms under the pillow pressing it to his face.

“No… no, I’m sorry. I promise I’ll be nicer to you once we get some sleep. Please don’t be upset,” Leon said, feeling the helplessness sink in. His Charge was breaking his heart and he didn’t know what else to do for him.

“I wish I knew how to stop,” Cloud said.

“Me too,” the Carrier sighed, settling in next to him again.

Using his pillows as a backrest, Leon sat partially upright with his hand in the blonde’s hair again. All he could think about was the numerous times Cloud fell asleep in the past while someone played with the follicles. Aerith used to do it every now and again when she and Cloud started sleeping together, but there were also all the times where she and Jessie used Cloud as oversized doll when they were younger, as well as the few times Tifa had cut his Charge’s hair. No matter the context, the blonde would fall asleep. Or try to, at least. Leon only hoped that post-emotional-trauma-Cloud would be the same way. And, after the blonde calmed down and the tears stopped, he eventually drifted off. Leon didn’t know how stable the sleep would be, but he continued running his fingers through the yellowy tufts for an hour, just to make sure Cloud moved on to the deeper parts of his sleep cycle.

The blonde slept through the night and woke up the next day with the sun high in the sky. He still felt like he could sleep more, but he did feel worlds better compared to where he had been. Slowly, his consciousness came to him and he became a little more aware of his surroundings. He could feel the sun streaming in through the window, he was aware he was lying perpendicular to the bed as opposed to parallel, and there was a weight draped over his side that he couldn’t quite place. Groggily, he pulled his eyes open and looked down to see a hand dangling over his waist and in front of his stomach.

At some point during the night, Leon had oozed over onto his side of the bed a little in quite possibly the most uncomfortable position imaginable. The lower half of his body was still somewhat seated like he had been prior to falling asleep, but his upper half was slumped over like a corpse. The Carrier’s face was behind Cloud’s shoulder blades, but his thighs were above the blonde’s head; and then of course his one arm had somehow made its way over his Charge’s side while the other one was trapped underneath him. Cloud was very perturbed, both by the painful looking sleeping position as well as the closeness. He sat up and shuffled away from his Carrier and out from under his arm. It took him a moment to fully process how they had ended up the way they had, but he eventually remembered the previous evening.

 _I guess_ _he was so tired he just… fell over once he knew I was asleep,_ Cloud rationalized to himself. The realization made him feel extraordinarily guilty. _He’d be so much better off without me here. He could sleep and have a life instead of babysitting me_ , he concluded.

Even if he felt like it was a better for Leon to live without him, Cloud no longer had a strong desire to kill himself. His Carrier had made it abundantly clear that he wanted the blonde to stay with him, so that’s what Cloud planned on doing. But that didn’t stop him from thinking it was a bad decision. Over the last week, he had overheard whispers and gossip in the halls and the cafeteria about how his neighbors felt the same way he did. Apparently only Leon thought bringing him back was a good idea. Despite disagreeing with his Carrier, he couldn’t deny that it felt nice to be wanted. Even if the person that wanted him around was the person who really should want him around the least.

 _He’s weird,_ Cloud decided. He didn’t understand Leon at all. How a person could be so forgiving and caring after so much heartache perplexed him the most. His comprehension of such niceties was miniscule, especially since he didn’t feel anything towards his Carrier other than obligation. If Leon had been Aerith, Cloud would’ve expected such things and could internalize them more because they loved each other. That’s just the way it worked; it was supposed to be reciprocal. But other than feeling terrified of losing control of himself and hurting Leon, Cloud didn’t hold any affection towards him. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to be his Carrier’s friend, let alone something more involved than that. Not to mention the complete lack of attraction in every way possible. How Leon could just hand over such compassion without asking for something in return blew his mind. There had to be a catch.

He decided against waking Leon up and opted to get himself bathed and dressed in the meantime. They had come to an amicable agreement that neither of them wanted to hear the other shitting, so Cloud was allowed to close the door for such ventures without fear of Leon breaking it down. However, once the shower came on, or there was a threat of cover noise of some description, Cloud had to at least keep the door cracked so Leon could hear him. Cloud could live with that. Funnily enough, bathing in front of a bunch of other men was something he was very used to. So even if Leon had demanded it be open completely, he wouldn’t have argued much, but he was happier with the privacy.

Leon woke up partway through his Charge’s shower. He was vaguely aware of the familiar weight he had gotten used to being near him was suddenly missing, but it took him a few minutes to actually internalize what that could mean. It meant that Cloud wasn’t with him. And that also meant he didn’t know where he was. As soon as that detail sunk in, his eyes popped open and he scrambled to sit up and look around. His contorted skeleton immediately let him know how much it was against such movements, and he let out a pained groan. He was forced to take his time untangling his limbs from his other limbs.

That was when he noticed the shower running. He considered his Signet and its status and found that it wasn’t telling him anything, so Cloud must’ve been okay. He wondered how much sleep his Charge had gotten. The Carrier felt better, so he could only hope Cloud did too. Knowing he wasn’t going to be going anywhere anytime soon, Leon stretched his arms and legs as much as possible and sprawled out on the bed. Rolling onto his stomach, he took a pillow and squashed it to his face. After another few minutes, he decided he wanted to do something he had been neglecting for the last week: find his kiseru and smoke. Once he lit up, he settled in with Cloud’s tablet to read the news.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” the blonde said when he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist. He had a crease in his brow that gave Leon the impression that his Charge didn’t approve.

“Sorry. Does it bother you?” he asked.

“Depends on what you’re smoking.”

“Not anything remotely close to the stuff smoked in Midgar if that’s what you’re implying.”

“That was what I was implying. If it’s not like that, I don’t care,” Cloud decided, going to dig in the armoire for his clothing. Leon had moved most of it over from his bedroom. He pulled on a pair of briefs before taking the towel off and draping it around his shoulders.

“I’m glad,” Leon said, taking another long drag. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better,” the blonde said, pulling up his jeans. “You?”

“Same.”

“Good. What’s the plan for the day?” Cloud asked.

“Well, its Sunday, so no one is really expecting us to work. You’re not to the point where Sundays are significant so we don’t have much of a schedule to keep. Did you have anything you wanted to get done? Keep in mind it’s after lunchtime already.”

“Is it really?”

“Yeah.”

“Damn,” his Charge said with a sigh. He sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed his hair with the towel. Leon retraced the scars on the blonde’s back with his eyes while attempting not to remember why they were there.

“We could go out into the city, I suppose,” Leon suggested.

“And do what?”

“No idea. Wander. Can’t stay out too late, though. I can’t be out past a certain hour.”

“Really?”

“Yes. We’ll also have to make sure that whatever places we go to are okay with me being there. If I’m not cleared, and someone finds me that cares, it could be a disaster.”

“Why would we ever want to go into the city, then? That’s too much work just to walk around.”

“It is, but I don’t want to keep you isolated from society more than you have to be. You’ve already been doing that for almost a year now.”

“I guess.”

“We don’t have to. It was just a suggestion.”

“No… no, we can. You’re right. I need to get out,” Cloud agreed.

\----------

Two hours later and they were walking together in relative silence through the main part of downtown. For as much of a shithole the city was, it was leaps and bounds ahead of where Midgar had been, in Cloud’s eyes. It wasn’t anywhere near as nice as Balamb, but it wasn’t completely falling apart either. Most of their time together was spent just looking around at the various shops and markets scattered between abandoned businesses. They didn’t talk much. Ever since they got into the city, Leon had been eerily quiet and he kept his eyes low. Every time they went inside a building, his Carrier turned extremely polite and sheepish; speaking with an abundance of ‘sir’s’ and ‘madam’s’. Only two of the places they went to stopped them from coming in.

When they were heading back, Cloud spied a modestly sized shop that he was immediately interested in. Without any warning, he started heading for it and it took Leon a minute to realize he wasn’t following anymore. The Carrier had to jog to catch up to him, and when he did, Cloud had already glued himself to the front window. The sign above the door said _Cid’s_ in neon lettering. From what Leon could see, it was a motorcycle shop; one for retail and repairs. Up in the top corner of the window Cloud was looking through was a digital display that said:

_Grand Reopening!_

_Now hiring!_

“Like what you see?” Leon asked, stepping up next to the blonde.

“I didn’t know there were bikes here. I’ve not seen one around,” Cloud said with all the fascination of a ten year old seeing a picture of a naked woman for the first time.

“You’re allowed to go in, you know.”

“Yeah. Yeah I know.”

“So… why don’t you?”

“Honestly? I’m a little horny and I’m waiting until I can go in without embarrassing myself,” Cloud said. He crossed his arms over his chest and cleared his throat a bit. His cheeks turned a bit pink.

“Oh,” Leon said, purposefully keeping his eyes on the blonde’s face instead of looking to see if he had been serious. The apparent embarrassment his Charge was working through was enough evidence that he had been. He took a sidestep away from him.

“Sorry. I’m sure that’s the last thing you wanted to hear.”

“I’m okay. It was just unexpected.”

“Well, I figured I could’ve gone in and have you notice on your own and I’d be embarrassed, or I could just tell you and be embarrassed anyway.”

“Ah… yeah. Yeah, I can see what you mean.”

“I’m sorry,” Cloud sighed.

“You don’t need to apologize. You’re allowed to… be sexually attracted to inanimate objects, I suppose.”

The blonde laughed a bit. “That’s not really what I was going for there. It’s just the first time – that I can recall, anyway – that I’ve found something in this city that I genuinely like. You know, something other than bars and tits. Something constructive.”

“I can relate to that. I genuinely like steak and I get a bit of a boner when the cafeteria gives me a big fresh one.”

“I guess that’s the same thing,” Cloud said with another laugh.

“Totally is!”

“Sure, sure,” his Charge said, bypassing him and heading for the door. A bell above it chimed as he entered.

The inside of the shop looked more or less like Leon had expected it to. It wasn’t very big, and was more like an oversized convenience store for motorcycle parts and accessories than it was a proper shop.  The aisles consisted of modular metal shelving pieces that only went up to his shoulders full of product, there was a checkout area with a door leading to what he assumed was an employee area, and other than some lights, a couple more doors, and a few pictures, there wasn’t much to see. Like most of the other buildings in the city, it was mostly gray and concrete so it didn’t even stand out very much. The doors along the back wall were labeled ‘restrooms’, ‘fitting area’, and ‘repairs.’

The door leading in from the employee area squeaked as it was pushed open from the inside. Another bell chimed as it did so, and out came a man Leon had never seen before. He was an older man with hair that was only a couple shades darker than Cloud’s, cut short, and accompanied by a five o’clock shadow. An unlit cigarette dangled from his lips as he made his way over to them. He was only a few inches taller than them both, but seemed like a giant amongst the short shelving units. Leon kept his eyes low and his hands folded in front of him where they could be seen.

“Well now,” the man drawled, his voice warm and curious. He looked Leon over carefully. “I’ve hardly seen any Carriers in this part of town let alone in my own place.”

“I’m sorry, sir. Should I leave?” the Carrier asked politely.

“P’shaw!” the shop owner dismissed with a wave of his hand. “I’m not concerned about that.”

“Ah, okay. Thank you,” Leon said, relaxing a bit. He didn’t realize he had been holding his breath.

“And… you’re the Charge, yeah?” the man questioned, turning to Cloud.

The shorter blonde nodded. “Yeah. He’s Leon. I’m Cloud.”

“Pleased to meet’cha both! I’m Cid; if it wasn’t already obvious by the name on the building. What can I do for you?”

“Nothing much. We were just curious,” Cloud said.

 _You mean **you** were curious_ , Leon thought, rolling his eyes.

“Is that so? I’ve got plenty to see so you’re more than welcome to look around. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Sure,” the Charge said.

Cid left them alone and went to take a seat on the stool behind the checkout computer. He lit his cigarette and reached under the counter to pull out a tablet and proceeded to settle in and ignore them. Or at least, his distraction gave Leon the impression they were being ignored. It didn’t really bother him, though. He actually preferred it when the public ignored him. It made the day go by easier. Similarly, Cloud decided to wander around the tiny shop and ignore him as well. Abandoned, Leon went to stand by the door. He didn’t have much interest in motorcycle parts so the exploration was really only for Cloud’s benefit. However, he couldn’t deny that it was nice to see his Charge take a genuine interest in something.

For their entire visit, there weren’t any other customers. Leon wondered how many people in the city could afford to pay for a motorcycle. Motorized transportation in general was very expensive, and judging by the price on some of the parts on the shelves, Leon was willing to guess that motorcycles were even more expensive than a regular car. But that didn’t matter much to him; it was more of a random observation than anything. It wasn’t like he and Cloud were independently wealthy. Even if motorcycles were the cheapest mode of transportation, they still wouldn’t be able to afford it for a long time.

“Ready?” Leon asked as Cloud came back to him.

“Yeah…” the blonde said with a tiny sigh.

“What’s wrong?”

“I miss my bike. She was good to me.”

“She was to me too. She saved our lives.”

“Yeah. Yeah, that too,” Cloud said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I guess I miss be able to work with stuff. Like, studying is fine and all, but I was used to doing _actual_ work. Plumbing, building, tinkering around with my bike, stuff like that.”

“Hm. I’ll see if I can find something for you—“

“I’m hiring, you know,” Cid interrupted. The pair turned their attention to him.

Cloud shook his head. “Thanks, but I’m not a professional. I also already have a job,” he said. He looked to Leon again. “Right?”

“Well, technically you do, but you’re mostly studying at the moment. I can try to teach you the machines but it usually works better for you once you’ve finished your lessons. But really, if you wanted to work here, you could. Even if you were done with your studies you could. I can handle the project myself,” the Carrier explained.

“Technically, I’m no professional either. I just played with these things most of my life. I never took a class,” Cid said.

“See? Go ahead,” Leon said, motioning to the checkout counter. Cloud had obvious apprehension scrawled across his face. He wasn’t sure how he would be able to balance helping Leon, his schoolwork, and an extra job. The idea that his Carrier would be left alone for most of his time didn’t sit well with him either. He was still wondering how he could make Leon happier, and being isolated didn’t seem like something that was beneficial to him.

“I’m not sure I can,” the blonde said. “What about you?”

“What _about_ me?”

“I’m just… concerned.”

“Why?” Leon asked, scrunching his brows together.

“I…” Cloud trailed, letting out a sigh. He scowled and turned away from his Carrier for a moment and headed for Cid. “Can I get back to you on this? It’s sort of unexpected and I don’t really have my head wrapped around it yet.”

“Yeah sure. Take your time. I haven’t had anyone else apply yet,” Cid agreed.

“Thanks,” the Charge said. He jogged over and grabbed Leon’s wrist and yanked him outside again.

“I know how to follow you, you know,” the brunette grumbled as he was tugged down the sidewalk. Cloud let him go and turned the corner into a secluded alleyway.

“Sorry,” the blonde said.

“What’s wrong?” Leon asked, taking in Cloud’s furrowed brow with worry.

“I don’t know if I can work there.”

“So you said, but you didn’t tell me why.”

“Well, besides not being able to balance helping you and my schoolwork with another job, I’d just… be worried about leaving you alone,” the blonde said hesitantly. Leon raised a confused eyebrow.

“ _You’re_ worried about leaving _me_ alone? Why the hell would that worry you? I can say the same thing about you, you know.”

Cloud frowned, sighing. He wasn’t sure what he was trying to say. “It just does,” he attempted.

“Are you…” Leon trailed, giving the blonde a side-eyed squinty look. “Are you worried I’d be lonely?”

Cloud didn’t know what to say. He and Leon stared at one another for a moment as one tried to decipher the situation. For Leon, the idea that Cloud was worried about him, in any context, was very surreal. Worrying about his loneliness specifically seemed outright impossible. He understood that his Charge felt indebted to him, but he hadn’t anticipated that Cloud would refuse to do something he might love to do in order to make sure the Carrier had some companionship.

 For Cloud, there was a vast amount of confusion. Of course he wanted to go work with Cid, but agreeing to work with Leon and then immediately going to find something else to do seemed _very_ wrong. In an equal light, leaving the Carrier alone for most of the day seemed just as bad. In his mind, it was impossible for Leon to not be lonely, and allowing him to live like that was cruel. He had no idea if Leon even wanted his company, but the brunette hadn’t pushed him away or turned down any conversation, so he could only assume his Carrier was okay with it. Watching someone to make sure they don’t die and making friends with them were two different things.

“I guess,” Cloud admitted, his heartbeat speeding up. He didn’t understand why he suddenly felt so nervous.

“I’m… not sure what to say,” Leon said.

“I’m sorry. That was weird,” the blonde said, backing away from him a bit. It was really difficult for him to decide what he wanted. Ultimately, it boiled down to just wanting to erase the last ten years of his life and starting over.

“No, no! It’s not. It was just unexpected,” the Carrier said quickly. “I just… never thought I’d hear you say something like that to me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Because I feel like I should,” Cloud murmured, leaning back against the building’s wall.

“Well don’t. I’m not upset,” Leon said. He could see his Charge’s confusion and apprehension plain on his face. He sighed. “We should go home. You seem overwhelmed.”

“…Yeah,” his Charge agreed.

\---------

They got back to the facility shortly after dinner time. They managed to grab some food at the last minute and headed back to Leon’s room to eat. Not much was said. Neither of them knew what to say. Cloud’s mind was awash with conflicting thoughts and feelings which only made him want to sleep. He tried to distract himself with his schoolwork, but he couldn’t focus. Leon wasn’t doing much, just lying next to him on his stomach with a pillow hugged to his face. He was patiently waiting for the blonde to have a question or finish something that he could grade. He didn’t notice that Cloud was staring at his back, his mind racing.

“Umm…” the blonde eventually drawled. Leon yawned and rolled on to his side to see him properly.

“Hm?” he questioned.

“About before.”

“Yeah? What about it?”

“I just… _are_ you lonely?”

“Cloud, this isn’t something you have to worry about. I like that we can talk to each other now. This is fine.”

“That’s not what I asked, though.”

“I know. But I’m telling you this is fine. What we have is okay like this.”

“But—“

“Why can’t you just believe me?” Leon asked, scowling.

“Because I don’t feel like this is what it should be. You should… have someone with you.”

“What do you think you are? Are you not a someone?”

“No, I mean…” Cloud said, his words ending behind a heavy sigh. All he could think about were the ideas he ran over and over in his head during his stay in prison. The thoughts were muddled between his own feelings on the subject and they weren’t the best, but he was trying his hardest to put them aside. He was starting to feel desperate; eager to be rid of the crushing guilt that sat on his chest. Momentary distractions were all well and good, but at night, when there was nothing else to do, his mind always came back to where it had started.

Leon sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. “Cloud, I think you need to calm down.”

“I am calm.”

“No you aren’t. You look really upset.”

The blonde made a conscious effort to relax his features. He could feel the resistance the tension had buried in his muscles. He sighed again. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m worried about what you’re trying to tell me. I’m hoping I’m wrong,” Leon said. The topic of his loneliness and whether or not it existed was one he didn’t want to dwell on. He was acutely aware of how distressed it made his Charge and he was afraid of what those feelings would make him feel he’s obligated to do. And it would be obligation. Leon wouldn’t believe his Charge would agree to get closer to him just because he wanted to.

“Wrong about what?” Cloud asked, though he had a good idea of what Leon meant.

“I hope you’re not implying that you want to get… more involved. Because I don’t want that.”

“…I don’t blame you,” the blonde said. He cleared his throat as the nervousness threatened to close it. His cheeks turned pink and he couldn’t bring himself to look Leon in the eye. The whole subject made him unbelievably uncomfortable and he really wasn’t prepared to jump into anything. His ideas were half baked at best; he just knew he wanted to do something to make things better for Leon.

Leon sighed. “What makes you think I’d believe you if you said you suddenly wanted to get more involved with me? Think about it. _How_ long did you go on about how homosexuality disgusts you? Or did something happen in prison that you’ve not told me?”

“No… I know what you’re saying. It was a stupid idea.”

“It… It wasn’t _stupid_ —“

“Yes it was. But I don’t know what else to do.”

“I told you this is fine. This right now? It’s okay.”

“I don’t believe you,” Cloud said, turning to face his Carrier properly with his legs folded underneath himself. He fixed earnest eyes on him. “How can you sit there and tell me you’re completely fine spending the rest of your life by yourself? I mean, just an hour ago we saw a couple of guys in the cafeteria that looked infinitely happier than I’ve _ever_ seen you. Everyone here looks like that! And I just… I need to make this better. For you, and for me.”

“And forcing yourself to be something you’re not is going to make you feel better?”

“I have no idea, but I haven’t been able to try, either.”

“You want to try?” Leon asked, his patience wearing thin.

“I mean… maybe?”

“Make up your mind.”

“I… yes?”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes I want to try?” Cloud guessed, his pulse speeding.

“Okay. Fine,” Leon said, his tone turning sharp. He sat up and turned, putting one leg on either side of his Charge so Cloud was seated between them.

“Uh…” the blonde said stupidly, eyeing his Carrier suspiciously.

“You said you wanted to try, right? Here,” Leon said, undoing the button on the front of his shorts. “Go ahead.”

“…Go ahead and do what?”

“Touch me. Get me hard. Then you can suck me off or sit on it. Whichever works for me,” Leon said icily, giving the blonde an extremely displeased look.

“Eh,” Cloud said, scrunching his face up without meaning to.

“You said you wanted to try, right?”

“Well… I mean…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t think you’d go this far so quickly, sorry.”

“I haven’t been touched in a while, Cloud. I don’t like doing it myself. This is my most immediate need. Are you _sure_ you want to get more involved? Because this is what I expect.”

“I mean…”

“The answer is ‘no.’ No, you don’t actually want this,” Leon concluded. He fastened the button closed again and scooted away from Cloud. Clearly unhappy with the blonde, he kept an acidic eye on him.

“No, I do—“

“I tell you what,” the Carrier said. He took a deep breath to try and calm the anger bubbling under his skin. “Why don’t you call Zack and Tifa and see what they can do for you? They can show you a lot more than I can.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, my understanding is that Zack has gotten himself involved in a very long list of different… methods. If you can convince me that anything they do is something you want to do with me, then I’ll consider it. But as it stands right now, Cloud, I’m really disgusted that you’d even think I’d want this from you. It’s insulting, not because you want to help me, but because you think you can make me believe you’d be happier like this. This doesn’t benefit you. It’s not who you are. I refuse to let you torture yourself like this because you feel guilty about the past.”

“I…”

“You’ve only been home for a week, and you spent almost two days of it in the hospital after you tried to kill yourself. If I suddenly let you do what you’re telling me you want to, I’d feel like a rapist. You’re clearly not stable enough to make these sorts of decisions. So just… calm down and take your time readjusting to being here again. Okay?”

Cloud kept his eyes focused on the bedspread. “It’d be fitting if you raped—“

“Don’t fucking say it,” Leon growled, pointing a finger in his Charge’s face. “Don’t you _dare_ tell me that bullshit.”

“…I’m sorry,” the blonde said, turning his eyes down to look at his hands. “I just… don’t know what else to do.”

Leon sighed. “I know.”

“Tell me,” Cloud said, his words suddenly being halted by a sudden rush of helplessness. His eyes started watering. “Just tell me what you want from me. Please. I need your help with this.”

Leon frowned as he watched quiet tears drip down the blonde’s cheeks. He didn’t know what to tell Cloud because he didn’t want more than what his Charge was already giving him. But the longer he stayed silent, the more upset the blonde got. The Carrier eventually settled for pulling Cloud to him again and hugging him tightly. Contrary to what he thought would happen, the blonde didn’t break apart in a fit of uncontrollable hysterics. Instead, he just calmly shifted around so he could comfortably lean against Leon and absorb his warmth. He hugged his Carrier back and sniffled against his chest.

“I want you to apply to work with Cid,” Leon said after several minutes of shaky silence. Cloud sat up again and wiped his face.

“Why?” he asked, sniffling again.

“Because I think being around me constantly isn’t letting you think clearly. If he does end up hiring you, I’d have to be around just because you’re supposed to be watched, but we can see if he’d let me sit in the employee area while you work. But this whole… sitting around together and doing nothing is doing more harm than good, I think. There’s too much guilt here. You need a break.”

“Maybe…” Cloud trailed sullenly.

“Plus, I think working and doing manual labor like you want to will help wear you out and maybe you’d sleep better. That’d help too.”

“Maybe…”

“No, not ‘maybe.’ It’s what you’re going to do. You asked me what I wanted from you, and this is what I want. I’ll still be around. I won’t be lonely. It’s okay.”

“…Okay.”


	96. Chapter 96

Chapter 96

Leon exhaled a long trail of smoke through his nose. “He’s going out to apply for a job today,” he said.

“Is he?” Reno asked from the other side of his friend’s Catalogue Terminal. “What’s he going to be doing? Or trying to do?”

“There’s a little motorcycle repair place in town that just reopened up.”

“Ah yes, the perpetual Midgar boner for vehicles rears its head.”

“I wouldn’t call it a boner, really. He’s infatuated, but he’s extremely hesitant to leave,” Leon said, taking another drag.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“He doesn’t want to leave me by myself. Thinks I’ll be lonely.”

Reno scrunched up his face with an amused snort. “Is that so? What a weird thing for him to say.”

“It wasn’t _weird_ per se. ‘Unexpected’ is closer to what I felt.”

“Uh, yeah it is. The dude tortures you for years, almost kills you, goes to prison for a year, comes back, tries to kill himself, cries all over you, and _only then_ gets worried that you’d be lonely by yourself? He’s fucked in the head.”

“Well yeah, he is fucked in the head, but…” the brunette sighed. It had been several days since Cloud’s awkward attempt at repentance, but the Carrier still had mixed feelings. “I don’t know. He hasn’t brought it up since he told me, but I can tell he thinks about it a lot.”

“What does he think he’s going to do? Use his face to catch everything when it’s time to give samples for the lab? I can’t imagine you’d want him touching you otherwise.”

Leon shrugged. “I don’t really want him to do anything like that, let alone touch me.”

“I don’t blame you in the least. Though… I’d fuck that ass of his if he’d let me. You should take advantage of it.”

“I’m not going to do that, Reno.”

“But it’s prime real estate. So young and boisterous.”

“I’m aware of that.”

“And he wants to make it up to you.”

“I’m also aware of that. Still not going to.”

“You’re such a spoilsport.”

Leon shrugged as he took another drag. “Sorry to disappoint you.”

“Nah, you’re fine. Despite all the butt drama, I am happy to see you looking better.”

“I feel better. I’m tired, but better.”

“Yeah? Cloud not letting you sleep?”

“Well he can’t take his medication to help him sleep.”

“Ah, yeah. Makes sense.”

“I’ve managed to find a way to help him get to sleep, and that worked after he had been awake for almost a week, but ever since then he’s been waking up fairly frequently during the night.”

“Why?”

“Nightmares. Between all the guilt he feels about me and then everything he did to Aerith, he’s constantly torturing himself. He sleeps for a couple hours, wakes up, wakes me up, I help him get to sleep again, and then the cycle repeats.”

“How do you help him get to sleep?” Reno asked confusedly.

“Pet him, more or less. He’s always fallen asleep when people play with his hair. Ever since he was little.”

“Aw, that’s cute.”

Leon shrugged again. “I guess. It doesn’t keep him asleep anymore, though. I don’t know what to do for him now.”

“Well fucking him might tire both of you out enough to sleep for the night.”

“Reno, you’re not helping.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Yeah I know, but it’s not helpful.”

“Okay…” Reno trailed thoughtfully. He pursed his lips together for a moment. “Have you tried tea? Rude likes tea.”

“I haven’t, no. I can get some while I’m in town today.”

“Rude gives me a back massage every now and again and I get sort of sleepy after that.”

“Eh… I’d prefer to keep the touching to a minimum.”

“Okay, well, how about music? Or white noise?”

“Maybe,” Leon said, pressing his lips into a thin line.

“Other than that, I don’t know what else to suggest.”

“That’s okay. I’ll try some of those. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

“So how’re things with you guys?” the brunette asked, inhaling from his kiseru deeply.

“Pretty good! We have a booger in the pot that’s about a month old now, and everything seems really stable. I’m happy,” Reno said, a wide grin spreading across his face.

“Really? That’s great,” Leon said with a small smile. “I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks! I look forward to hearing about your progress too. Soon.”

“I’ll try my hardest.”

“What sort of samples are you guys using?”

“Blood.”

“Only?”

“Yeah. I haven’t taken any yet from Cloud since he got back, though. Was trying to let him adjust to being home again.”

“Ah. Understandable. His love affair with needles is tumultuous at best.”

“Exactly.”

“But from you too? I’m surprised.”

Leon shrugged. “I haven’t been in the mood for more than that in… years.”

Reno furrowed his brows together. “Really? Should you be concerned? Should _I_ be concerned?”

“I don’t think so.”

“But… you haven’t yanked it _at all_? Since when?”

“Since before we left Plane 087, probably.”

The redhead frowned. “Leon…”

“I just haven’t had the desire to. Also, I don’t like doing it myself, so I choose not to. Why is that a big deal?”

“It isn’t, I guess. It’s just sort of surprising. A little disturbing.”

“Disturbing?”

“You don’t find an absence of sexual urgency that persists for _years_ to be a problem?”

“I haven’t really thought about it like that. I don’t notice it being gone, so I didn’t see the problem.”

“But you agree that it’s a problem?”

“I guess it could be? I don’t know. It doesn’t really bother me.”

“I mean, I’d be less concerned if you’ve never really had the urge in the first place, but you went from having it to not having it. That’s why it’s a problem in my head. Or am I wrong? Do I not know as much as I thought?”

“No, I used to. Not crazy often, but I did. It is a little concerning, I guess.”

“Hmm…” Reno hummed thoughtfully. “Should I come visit you and help you out with it? I could.”

“No, no, no. I’m okay. I’ll make more of an effort on your behalf,” Leon said.

Cloud emerged from the bathroom then. He had been getting ready for the day and was fresh from the shower. Leon stopped talking and listened as his Charge went about getting dressed. He really didn’t want to continue having a conversation about his masturbation habits (or lack thereof) while the blonde was around. Reno did have several valid points, but Leon didn’t see the value on exploring the problem. It was an unfortunate result of him accepting the idea that he was going to be on his own for most, if not the rest of his life; he didn’t need to be concerned.

“Hey, can I talk to Cloud for a bit?” Reno asked.

“No. You’re going to tell him to do things to me that he doesn’t want to do.”

“I am not!”

“Reno. I’m not stupid,” Leon said, giving the redhead a disapproving look.

“I promise!” Reno claimed, putting a hand over his heart earnestly.

Leon sighed and stood from his seat to look into his bedroom. “Cloud,” he said.

“Yeah?” the blonde replied.

“Reno wants to talk to you.”

“So? I don’t want to talk to him,” Cloud grumbled.

Leon leaned back into the terminal room. “He doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Too fucking bad! Shove him in here!” Reno squeaked.

“No. He has a right to refuse,” the brunette said.

“No he doesn’t! I’m more important than his rights.”

“Fuck off, Reno. He doesn’t want to. Leave him alone.”

Cloud sighed. “No, it’s fine. If he’s going to whine about it, I can talk to him,” the blonde said.

“You’re sure?” Leon asked.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” his Charge sighed. He bypassed his Carrier to step into the terminal room and take a seat. Leon had used his watch to make the phone call so he picked it up and put it back on his wrist.

“Great! Now go away, Leon. Go take a shower,” the redhead persisted, shooing the brunette away with his hands.

Leon rolled his eyes. “Fine. Don’t freak him out too much with your weird bullshit,” he warned, leaving the pair alone.

“What weird bullshit?” Cloud asked, folding his arms over his chest.

Reno waited until he heard the bathroom door close before he started talking again. “I’m always full of weird bullshit. But this time it might actually help you.”

“Yeah? How do you figure? Are you going to show me more stuff I raped? Because I really don’t want to know anymore.”

“No, no, not that,” the redhead said nonchalantly. Cloud scowled at him and his casual disregard for the pain he had caused. “I heard you want to turn queer for Leon. That’s real cute.”

“Is that what he said?” the blonde asked grumpily.

“Not quite as rudely, no. But more or less, yeah.”

“Great. I’m thrilled,” Cloud said, his anger growing. “So what? You’re going to sit here and ridicule me about it? It was a stupid idea. I’m over it. Don’t bother.”

“No, you misunderstand. I want to help you. And, in the same breath, help Leon.”

“Is that so? How exactly would you help anything?”

“Because I have a Charge that isn’t gay, but is Renosexual. We just need to teach you how to be Leonsexual.”

“Leon… sexual? That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.”

“And yet you propositioned him like a squeaky voiced thirteen year old all the same. How sweet.”

“Shut up.”

“Do you want to make him happier or not?”

“He’s made it very clear that he doesn’t want me like that, so why do you think this would be a good way to make him happier?”

“Because I’m not going to tell you to immediately try to whip his dick out and stuff it down your throat, stupid.”

“Stuffing it up my ass would be preferable, right?”

“Nope. Not even that.”

“Alright,” Cloud said with a heavy sigh. “Fine. What am I going to do?”

“Subtly invade his personal space. He’ll eventually be okay with it. That’s what I did, and we slept naked all the time. You can do it too.”

“I don’t want to sleep naked all the time, though.”

“I’m just using that as an example. I’m serious though; over the course of the next month, just get closer to him.”

“And how, exactly, do you think I should do that?” Cloud asked, his expression bereft of amusement.

“I’d use your sleeplessness as an excuse. Then go from there.”

“Yeah? That’s all I need to do, huh? And what happens when he shoves me away?”

“Then you stop? The worst that happens is you start over.”

“And this is what Leon wants? You know this with one hundred percent certainty?”

“No. I don’t,” Reno said. “But he needs someone to love him, Cloud. And he’s not daring enough to find someone outside the facility.”

“I don’t love him.”

“But are you willing to try to? Because what I hear is you offering yourself up physically without much else attached. Leon isn’t that shallow. He’s not going to go for it. So, if you can love him, it’s much more likely to make him interested.”

Cloud didn’t know how to answer the redhead. He had spent the last few days trying to figure out what his ultimate goal was. He had resolved himself to staying with Leon. He knew he was going to help the Carrier with the project and hopefully accomplish what needed to be done. He knew he wanted to make Leon happier and not torture him with his presence. But besides what Reno had just told him, he still had no idea what to do. Leon sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him. Did Leon want to be loved? The blonde had a hard time believing he didn’t, but would he want to be loved by Cloud? The only reason Leon pushed him away earlier was because the Carrier didn’t think Cloud would be happy forcing himself to try things; not because he didn’t want whatever Cloud was offering. It was hard to say if persisting through that aversion would be beneficial, but if it ultimately made sure Leon had a happier life, would it be worth the risk? It might just be.

Cloud wasn’t sure if he could be happy with Leon though. Surely, if he genuinely loved the Carrier, that would mean he was happy, right? But what if he couldn’t do that? He didn’t know how to force himself to love someone. But could he act as if he did? How bad would his life be if he just put up with whatever Leon wanted him to do and pretended to enjoy it? He didn’t have an answer for those questions either. Had he had some experience with other men, maybe he would’ve had a better idea, but he wasn’t willing to use Leon to gauge that. He thought it was cruel to convince the Carrier that he was worth his time and then stop if he didn’t like it. He’d just have to suffer through. It was all or nothing. If he was going to try, he had to commit. Even if he didn’t like it.

“I… guess I can try,” Cloud murmured. It was clear to Reno that the blonde was extremely apprehensive.

“Don’t try. Do it. If you can’t do it, don’t bother trying. It’ll hurt him more if you can’t commit and leave him.”

“But I don’t know if I can unless I try.”

“Then don’t make it obvious that you’re trying to get closer until you know, alright?”

“I guess,” the blonde said. He sighed.

“Don’t sound so miserable.”

“I don’t understand how I’m supposed to force something like love to happen. It sounds impossible, and it’s a big deal to me. I don’t throw that sort of shit around for just anyone to latch on to.”

“You make it sound like you’re some sort of marvelous prize everyone would clamor to be with. You’re not that special, Cloud. If Leon came to me tomorrow and said he suddenly loved you, I’d struggle to believe that he wasn’t just settling for you. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’d be good for him if you can be genuine about it, but it would take a lot of convincing for me to see it as real in the first place. I don’t care how you do it, but if you’re going to, you better do it right. Figure it out.”

“And if I don’t do it right?” Cloud asked snidely. He didn’t appreciate Reno’s demanding tone.

A menacing smile slowly crawled across the redhead’s face. “Then the guilt eating away at your desire to live will be the least of your concerns,” the Carrier said. He ended their call after that, leaving Cloud in a room full of silence and tension.

_What am I doing?_ Cloud asked himself. Reno’s threats were mildly concerning, but the blonde’s biggest worries were not knowing how he was going to make himself love Leon, and doing more harm than good. He could see where Reno was coming from. Companionship seemed to be the only thing his Carrier was really lacking in his life and Cloud really did want to help fill the void a little, but it scared him to take it too far and then backing out. He could vaguely remember sleeping with several women during his stay at the Midgar military base, and he knew not all of them were pretty or ones he wanted to get attached to. Could he make himself do the same with Leon and hope the emotions come later? It was a possibility.

_I wonder how offended he would be if I just… never wanted to turn the lights on. Or if I told him to keep quiet so I could close my eyes and pretend he’s someone else,_ the blonde thought. The guilt was immediate. _That’s an awful way to be; what the fuck is wrong with me? And why the fuck would he ever agree to be on the receiving end? That’s… asking too much. I’d have to wait for him to come up with the idea; I can’t ask him for that._ _Ugh. Makes me a little queasy just thinking about it._

\-----------------------

Soon after Cloud’s discussion with himself, Leon emerged from the shower dressed and ready to go. Cloud tried his hardest to act inconspicuous and not let on that he was thinking far too much for his own good. For the most part, he was successful. Leon didn’t ask him about his conversation with Reno; it wasn’t any of his business. Cloud was very thankful for his Carrier’s manners. He couldn’t even begin to think of how he would explain the discussion to him. However, that also meant their walk into the city was very quiet. Both of them were tired and yawned frequently, but they eventually made it to Cid’s shop all the same.

“Welcome back,” the older gentleman greeted as they entered.

“Hello,” they said in tandem.

Cid came around the checkout counter and shook their hands. “What can I do for you boys today?”

“I actually came to see if your job offer was still good,” Cloud said.

“Of course!”

“Ah, that’s great,” the blonde said. He hesitated for a moment. “So, I have to be honest, I’ve never actually ‘applied’ for a job before. I’ve worked. I’ve worked a lot. But never actually applied to do so.”

“That’s okay. I actually prefer it that way. I have an excuse to throw you at some equipment and you can show me what you know instead of sitting and doing paperwork. I assume your experience comes from the vehicles and things from your… planet. World? Dimension?” Cid guessed, furrowing his brows together.

“Plane. As in: a plane of existence. Though I suppose any of those work,” Leon interjected.

“Plane. Good. Your experience comes from your plane,” the older blonde concluded, smiling at Cloud.

“Yeah, it is. But I recognize a lot of the parts here so I assume a lot of it is at least sort of the same,” the Charge said.

“Fantastic! Let me close up and I can take you back to the shop and let you have at it,” Cid said, stepping to the front door. He locked it quickly and flipped a switch on the digital display that hung in the window. Leon could see the reflection of the words ‘closed’ glaring off the window’s glass.

“I’ll wait out here for you,” the Carrier said.

“Nah, you don’t have to do that. You can just sit in my place and watch some TV something,” the shop owner volunteered.

“Your place?” the brunette asked.

“Yeah, follow me,” Cid said, heading for the door behind the checkout counter.

What Leon had assumed was an employee area, was actually an apartment. It had a small front entryway leading into a moderately sized living area. That main room was flanked by a tiny kitchen on one side, and a bathroom and bedroom on the other. There were also a couple closets and a utility area. Similar to most homes in the city, the interior wasn’t very glamorous. It was homelier than some, with its warm colored carpeting, patterned fabrics on the furniture, and curtains. There were also several pictures on the walls of Cid and a blonde woman that didn’t seem much younger than him. Given that most of them were images of them holding hands or the woman affectionately hanging on him, Leon assumed that she was Cid’s wife or girlfriend of some description.

After the brief tour, Leon was left on his own. He had brought Cloud’s tablet with him and busied himself with going over what few assignments his Charge had managed to complete. He needed to start recording more lessons soon; the backlog was dwindling. The blonde hadn’t even made it to the lessons Leon recorded after he had changed his hair, but the Carrier had neglected a lot of his lecture responsibilities while his Charge was incarcerated. He had been more focused on helping himself and recovering. He didn’t regret it, but he was very aware of the pressing need to catch up. However, that was a task for a different day. It didn’t take him long to finish grading, but when he did, he found himself to be very sleepy. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to take a nap.

For Cloud, things weren’t so boring. He was enjoying following Cid around and looking at all of the stuff he had. And it was just _stuff_. Most of it seemed useful, but the blonde doubted the man’s ability to use all of it on a regular basis. The repair shop in the back of the store had just about every relevant tool Cloud could imagine, and then some. The sheer number of bits and bobs scattered about was also extremely impressive. Every lug nut, bolt, gasket, and bracket had a cubby in an array of containers that lined the walls. He found that Cid didn’t just work on motorcycles, but just about anything motorized anyone could bring him. But he only supplied motorcycle parts in his store because he was one of only a couple places in the dome that did. Most of his income came from repairs and doing maintenance.

Cloud knew more than he thought he did. He surprised himself when he realized he could easily recall part names, functions, and what to do in basic repair scenarios. He could barely remember working with most of things he was talking about, but he knew them all the same. It made him curious about remembering more of his time in the military. If he was put in similar scenarios (though he couldn’t imagine how he would), would he remember the instances associated with them? He wondered if he would remember everything he did to Leon if he managed to pull off what he had talked to Reno about that morning.

Would his sins of the past plague him with vivid and horrifying slideshows every time he touched his Carrier? Knowing what he did and remembering it clearly were two different things. It was bad enough that he knew, but it scared him to think that he would be able to actively remember. Because what he currently thought about was the act of sitting and watching himself become a monster on a screen. Though extremely painful, the imagery still had a certain amount of surrealism to it that made it seem less valid, though he didn’t doubt its legitimacy. With actual memories, he was afraid he’d be able to feel what he remembered, smell the scent of blood mixing with the aroma of sex, and hear whatever additional tiny pathetic noises his Carrier made that the camera hadn’t picked up. He wasn’t sure he could deal with that much reality.

“Cloud?” Cid questioned when the Charge started to zone out and stare at nothing as his revelations trickled through his mind. The younger blonde blinked a few times as his senses came back to him.

“I’m sorry. What?” he asked.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Nervous about today?”

“Yeah,” Cloud lied.

Cid grinned. “You make it sound like I’m some prestigious guy that’s worth all that pressure. That’s absolutely not the case, kiddo. You don’t have to worry. I like you; your knowledge is solid. It’s refreshing to find someone who already knows so much.”

“Thanks. I’m glad to hear that,” the Charge said with a tiny relieved smile.

“You’re quite welcome. Honestly, if I hadn’t advertised the job opening, I’d hire you right now. But, I should at least _attempt_ to be professional and give some other people a chance to apply. But, if you’re satisfied with how this went, then I can be too. You look really beat; I’d hate to make you stay longer than what’s necessary. Get some sleep. I’ll call you in a couple weeks and let you know what I decide. Sound good?”

“Definitely. Thank you,” Cloud said with obvious relief.

“No problem. Go ahead and wrangle up Leon and I’ll meet you out front to see you off,” Cid said. Cloud nodded and headed back to the shop owner’s apartment.

He was surprised to find Leon passed out on Cid’s couch, his tablet covering the lower half of the Carrier’s stomach. Cloud was hesitant to wake him; he seemed so peaceful. He remembered what Reno had told him that morning about gradually getting closer to Leon, and was tempted to just sit with him. But, their surroundings weren’t exactly the most ideal. It wasn’t like Cid was a good friend of theirs; they had just met. If they had been more familiar, it might’ve been a different story. So, Cloud settled for crouching next to the Carrier and gently nudging his shoulder.

“Leon,” the blonde said.

“Mm?” the brunette murmured. Thinking his Charge was waking him up in the middle of the night again, he shifted onto his side and reached forward. He draped his hand around the back of Cloud’s neck and started to gently comb his fingers through the hair at the base of his skull. It took the blonde a minute to realize Leon was trying to put him to sleep. An equal amount of amusement and guilt hit him. He tried not to dwell on the feelings very long and reached up to pull the Carrier’s hand away from him.

“Leon,” he attempted again. The Carrier responded by sucking in a deep breath through his nose as his mind trudged its way through the thick smog of weariness that tried to keep him pinned down. He eventually peeled his eyes open and blinked at his Charge listlessly.

“Wha’s wron’?” the brunette mumbled.

“It’s time to get going. You probably shouldn’t sleep so deeply in a stranger’s house. It’s sort of weird.”

Furrowing his brows together, Leon was very clearly confused. “The fuck’re you talkin’ about?”

“Look around,” Cloud said, standing and moving out of his immediate eyesight. The Carrier blinked slowly and did as he was told.

“Oh,” the brunette said. Pushing himself up, he was struggling to wake up properly. He rubbed his eyes. “I forgot,” he muttered.

“Clearly. We should get home.”

“Yeah,” Leon agreed, shuffling around until he could stand. He handed the tablet off to Cloud to carry and blearily followed him out into the shop proper.

“I was beginning to think you got lost,” Cid said with a bit of a laugh. He looked the very obviously sleepy Carrier over. “You look worse than when I left you in there. Are you okay?”

“Mhm. Just fell asleep at an inopportune time. Sorry,” Leon said.

“Ah, no problem. I could use a nap, myself! But, I’ve got a business to run unfortunately.”

“We won’t keep you, then,” the Charge said.

“Alrighty. I’ll call you in a couple of weeks, Cloud.”

“I look forward to it, thank you.”

\----------------

The rest of their day together was filled with Cloud working on his schoolwork and Leon attempting to compile a playlist of calming songs to play as they slept that evening. Taking Reno’s advice, he sincerely hoped it helped keep his Charge’s mind from spiraling off into dangerous territory. The only problem was that he was struggling to find instrumental music that hadn’t been remixed into something more exciting or had otherwise removed the soothing melody in favor of more dynamism. Most of the newer and more popular pieces had upbeat tempos, which wasn’t bad, but it didn’t fit what he was looking for. He ended up turning to very old music; things that would’ve been considered classics before the Great War.

A classical composer named Erik Satie tended to have the most music he could use. For others, like Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, Handel, and Schubert, he thought the pieces were very beautiful, but were still too much for his purposes. However, he found pages upon pages upon pages of sheet music that had been broken up by instrument and movement. There were piano parts galore, and he toyed with the idea of attempting to play them himself. The underlying ivory melodies were perfect for what he was looking for; it was the strings and horns that accompanied them that tended to make things more dramatic and too lively for relaxation. For the first night, though, he took what he could find and set it on a loop.

“What’s with all the music?” Cloud asked when his Carrier emerged from the terminal room. As he did his schoolwork, he had been listening to pieces being played for several minutes, the music stopping, and Leon grumbling, for several hours.

“I’m going to have it play while you sleep tonight. Hopefully your brains will stay calm enough to not freak out and force nightmares on you. I have no idea if it’ll work, but it’s worth a try,” the brunette explained.

“Oh. That’d be nice. Sleeping like a normal person is like… all I’ve ever dreamed of.”

“Yeah, well, if it ends horribly, it was Reno’s idea.”

“And if it goes well?”

“It’s my idea.”

“Right. Of course,” Cloud said with a bit of a smile. Leon sat next to him and leaned over to see his tablet.

“How’re you doing?” the Carrier asked. His Charge handed the device to him to look over.

“I like chemistry.”

“Yeah? That’s good. It’s an important subject.”

“It’s going to take me a while to remember all the stuff, though. I’m sorry if I mess it up.”

“We’re not involved in much that you need to be concerned about, so I wouldn’t worry. We’re far from that point.”

“Ah, okay. That makes me feel better,” Cloud said, yawning wide. He laid back and stretched out on his side of the bed.

“Tired?” Leon asked.

“Always. It’s not really late enough to sleep, though.”

“I can sleep whenever. I’m not bothered. You could probably use fourteen hours of sleep, so I don’t know why time matters to you,” the Carrier said. He set the tablet aside and did as Cloud had, stretching out and rolling on to his stomach next to him.

“Yeah, I know. I just… don’t want to sleep yet,” the blonde said. He wanted to attempt what Reno had suggested and get closer to Leon, but he had no idea how he would do it. But that didn’t stop him from trying anyway.

“I find that hard to believe. You need to sleep,” Leon said.

“I know I do. But I wanted to talk.”

“About what?”

“I’m… not sure,” Cloud trailed. He thought for a moment and blurted the first question that came to him. “What’s it like?” he asked.

“What’s what like?”

“Doing… guys?” his Charge asked sheepishly.

For a moment, Leon was speechless. He turned to face the blonde with one brow raised and his upper lip pulled up on one side. It was very much a ‘ _what the fuck is wrong with you’_ sort of expression. Cloud’s face turned bright red almost instantly and he squished his pillow to his face until only his eyes could be seen. He stared at the Carrier wide-eyed for an awkwardly long time. Neither of them could think of what to say. Leon couldn’t figure out of Cloud had been serious or not, but since the blonde stayed quiet and wasn’t trying to brush the conversation aside, he supposed he was.

“Um… well…” the brunette said, trying to come up with a brief statement to sum up his experiences. “It’s like having anal sex with a woman? Asses don’t really vary in anatomy from person to person.”

“I’ve never done that before,” Cloud murmured. _Not while I was aware of it, anyway_ , he thought.

“Wh—really?” Leon questioned, furrowing his brows together. It had never occurred to him that, even with all of the sex Cloud has had, that his Charge never did much experimenting. The fact that the Carrier was more experienced in that regard blew Leon’s mind a little.

“Yeah. I never really thought about it. Isn’t that like… really gross, though?”

“That’s what condoms are for. Also, in my head, you’re supposed to care about the other person at least a little bit in order to have sex with them. If you care enough, it doesn’t matter what the consequences of sex are; minute or otherwise. Besides, it’s not any grosser than getting or giving oral. With that you’re shoving things directly in your mouth.”

“Oh,” Cloud deadpanned. He stared at Leon expectantly, waiting for the Carrier to continue. Leon gave him a suspicious look.

“Have you done any oral before?”

“…No. Never occurred to me.”

“I don’t believe you,” the Carrier said, squinting at his Charge.

“I’m sorry? I’m aware of all of this but I didn’t ever think to try them in the moment.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow…” Leon said with an astonished breath. “You should probably talk to Zack and Tifa about this, then. They can take your horizons from being the size of a pea and force them to expand to the circumference of the Earth in about twenty minutes.”

“Would they even want to talk to me about it? They didn’t seem very happy with me before I left.”

“That’s a good question. I’ll ask,” Leon volunteered. He reached over and picked up Cloud’s tablet again and put in a call to Zack and Tifa’s room. Luckily, they were there. Zack picked up.

“Wait, right now?” Cloud whispered, embarrassment welling up in his chest. He kept hiding behind his pillow and scooted out of the tablet’s direct sightline. Leon didn’t answer him.

“Hey there,” Zack said to the Carrier with a smile. “Long time no see. How’re you doing?” he asked.

“Better. Cloud’s home,” the brunette said, turning the tablet so the other man could see Cloud’s eyes and hair poking out from the top of his pillow. The blonde stared at him wordlessly, his face as red as a tomato.

“Oh. Hey,” Zack said. Cloud waved at him with the tips of his fingers briefly. The other Charge looked back to Leon. “What can I do for you guys? Or is this just a social call?”

“I actually had a tremendous favor to ask you,” Leon said, turning the tablet so it could only see him again.

“What are you doing?” Cloud whispered, nudging his Carrier’s shoulder. Leon ignored him.

“What’s up?” Zack asked.

“Cloud is sexually inexperienced.”

“Uh… okay? I don’t believe that at all, but alright.”

“Let me rephrase: Cloud is _consciously_ sexually inexperienced.”

“Okay, I’ll believe that more,” Zack said. His blonde counterpart was slowly dying inside. He squashed his face into his pillow and let out a pitiful whine from his throat.

“I want you and Tifa to help him with that,” Leon said. Zack’s eyebrows rose so quickly that they nearly shot off his face into the stratosphere.

“Uuuh…”

“Please? I can write you a list of things that should be done,” the brunette said. He glanced over at Cloud, saw that the blonde’s face was covered and that he couldn’t see. Looking to Zack again he mouthed the words **_trust me_**. Zack got the hint.

“I guess we can do that. Let me go ask Tifa,” he volunteered, standing from his seat and heading into his bedroom.

Cloud was mortified. He had never imagined that Leon would automatically volunteer him for more exciting sexual adventures with anyone, let alone Zack and Tifa. His Carrier seemed entirely too relaxed about the topic when the blonde felt that the world should be on fire right then. He had no comprehension of what Zack and Tifa liked to do outside of inviting extra parties to share the bed with them, and that lack of understanding was absolutely terrifying. After several seconds of silence as Zack left the room, he peeked over his pillow again and watched the screen. He looked at Leon briefly. The Carrier was much too calm for his liking.

“Cloud wants to play?!” Tifa squealed from the bedroom. She let out a loud, almost cackling, laugh as she dashed to their extra armoire. Leon and Cloud could hear the door of the furniture squeak as she yanked it open and pulled out several drawers in her search. The woman eventually appeared in the terminal room with an obnoxiously colored and realistically detailed dildo the length of her forearm and just as thick. She held it against her face and pet it affectionately with a wide toothy grin.

“What the fuck is that monstrosity?” Leon asked, his eyes going wide in shock. Cloud was horrified.

“I call him _The Cunt Destroyer_ ,” the woman said happily.

“Ah… right. How could I be so naïve?” the male Carrier said. He looked at his Charge, whose eyes were glued to the tablet screen and pulled open so wide that Leon was expecting the orbs to roll out onto the bed. He couldn’t help but laugh a little.

“He’s clean, right?” Tifa asked, setting _The Cunt Destroyer_ in her lap.

“Yeah, as far as I’m aware. He said nothing happened in prison that I should be concerned about.”

“Good. I clean all my things but I should ask because, you know, just in case. I don’t need any bugs lurking in any crevices after the fact. Not that it matters in the long run, I suppose. We have pills for that. It’s just annoying.”

“Understood. It’s a good question to ask.”

“So when should we expect him? We should plan a routine,” Tifa said. Leon turned the tablet so she could see Cloud. The blonde was frozen in place with his eyes still impossibly wide and the complexion of a beet. The woman giggled at him.

“When do you want to visit them, Cloud?” Leon asked. The blonde glanced at him before shaking his head a little.

“I’m crushed,” Tifa said with a dejected sigh.

“But I thought you wanted to know what it was like,” the male Carrier said.

Leon wasn’t stupid. The abrupt change in questioning after several days of silence could’ve only come from Cloud talking to Reno. He didn’t trust the redhead in the least when it came to such conversations, and the brunette was convinced it was entirely Reno’s idea that Cloud should be interested in him sexually. Or at least, he was sure it was Reno’s idea that Cloud should persist and be interested in him sexually. Before that morning, his Charge seemed content to let the previous week’s conversations die off. Leon hoped to scare him out of his new idea of trying again, and judging by Cloud’s very obvious fear, he felt like it was working.

However, Cloud’s mental gears were turning. How much value did he put on Leon’s happiness? A whole lot. Was it worth forcing himself to try new things with Zack and Tifa? If it taught him to get over his aversion to having a relationship with another man, he thought it was.  In his head, he thought he was mentally strong enough to deal with whatever the pair decided to throw at him, even if it was strange and confusing. He just didn’t want to do it. But he had to. Or at least, he felt he did because he wanted to help Leon more than he didn’t want to visit with Zack and Tifa. After careful consideration of his values, he let out a deep sigh.

“I can… go over there whenever,” he concluded, burying his face in his pillow again. He couldn’t bring himself to look at either Carrier and desperately wanted to get away from them for a moment to collect his thoughts. So he did. He slowly shuffled out of the bed and headed for the bathroom; the only place where he could really be alone. Leon and Tifa were left dumbfounded and they stared at each other with shocked expressions and their mouths hanging open.

“He totally called our bluff,” Tifa whispered, leaning closer to the screen. “What the fuck is this about? Zack made it sound like we were trying to trick him for something.”

“He… he tried to convince me that he wants to… get more involved. I wasn’t convinced. He thinks it’d make me less lonely, but I don’t want him to live a lie; he’d be miserable,” Leon murmured quietly. Concern laced his brows together. “But, maybe he really is serious about this. I have no other explanation as to why he would agree to meet with you guys.”

“I don’t really want him here, though. I was just going along with what Zack thought you wanted.”

“I just wanted to scare him away. He’s not thinking clearly; there’s no way he could actually want this.”

“I mean, we can still try. We can just whip out the really intense stuff and expect him to follow through. I doubt he’d be able to go that far that quickly… right?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore,” Leon sighed.

“He deserves it, but I _really_ don’t want to rape him, Leon. If he goes through with this, that’s what it’ll be.”

“I know, I know. I guess… just try to scare him off, and if it doesn’t work, then refuse him. Worst case scenario is I come get him and he’s upset for a couple days until he gets over it. I’ll try to talk to him in the meantime and figure out how far he’s willing to go. I’ll email you if something comes up,” the brunette said.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay. I can live with that.”


	97. Chapter 97

Chapter 97

Leon didn’t try his nighttime music theory out on Cloud for several days. He was hoping that the exhaustion that followed would force Cloud to abandon his ambition to meet with Zack and Tifa. As with most of his recent ideas, though, it backfired. Cloud was extremely tired, but still determined. Ignoring Leon’s pleas to think a little more clearly, the blonde trudged his way over to the female side of the facility with his Carrier trailing behind him. Upset and at his wits end, Leon didn’t know what else he could do to convince his Charge that he didn’t need to follow through with his half baked plan.

“You really don’t need to do this. It’s flattering that you’d go this far, but… you need to think about this a little more, Cloud,” the brunette repeated for what felt like the millionth time.

“It was your idea,” the blonde replied.

“I know, but… I’ve been thinking about it and decided it was a bad idea.”

“No it isn’t. I don’t know what it’s like, and I want to find out. I’m not going to ask you to show me. That’s cruel.”

“Cloud…”

“Why are you so upset about this?” his Charge asked, sounding annoyed. He stopped and turned to him with a grumpy expression. Leon was watching him with worry laced through his features.

“Because you can’t possibly be doing this willingly.”

“What?” Cloud questioned. He motioned behind himself to the rest of the hallway. Zack and Tifa’s room was in view near the end. “Did I not walk over here myself? I don’t see anyone pulling me here.”

“No, I mean, your guilt is making you do this.”

“So?”

“What do you mean ’so?’ That’s a big deal! You’re not thinking clearly. You’re going to walk in there, let yourself be traumatized, and then what? Even if you do like what you find, that doesn’t change what I want from you.”

“Yeah? And what _do_ you want? You want to sit around by yourself for the rest of your life? With nobody? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me you did. You haven’t told me you don’t want me, you just don’t want me to be miserable. Or is that what you’re trying to say but too afraid to say it outright? That you don’t want me? Because at this point I’m just as confused as you are.”

“That’s even more of a reason to not do this. Come back to the room and we can talk about this.”

“If I do that, you need to tell me exactly what you want. Not what will make me happy, not what’s just ‘okay like this,’ but what you actually want out of your life. Your personal life. Forget the project for a minute. You have to tell me ‘yes, Cloud, I want to be alone for the rest of my infinite life.’ Otherwise, this is worth it to me.”

“Cloud…”

“I can’t not try _something_. I can’t just… live like I’ve done nothing wrong. Even if you don’t hold it against me, I still have to live with myself. So until you tell me that you don’t want me, I have to do something. Even if it’s a sort of stupid idea. And if it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work. Nothing will have changed, except me feeling better having tried everything I could,” the blonde said.

Cloud’s persistence was forcing irony down Leon’s throat in an almost painful fashion. For so many years, all the Carrier wanted from the people around him was for them to support him and let him do what he felt was right, even if the idea sounded sketchy in theory. His friends wouldn’t just let him make mistakes and learn things for himself. That sort of protection was a double edged sword, and he eventually grew to spite them even though their intentions were pure. He didn’t want Cloud to spite him. They were just starting to get along, sort of.

And, in reality, Cloud wasn’t forcing himself into a relationship with him right away. He was just trying something new in an effort to understand it. The reason behind wanting to try the new thing wasn’t the best Leon could hope for, but it wasn’t the end of the world. His Charge was mindful that his idea might not pan out, he knew what he was getting into, and he knew Leon’s opinions of it. Even if the Carrier didn’t agree with him and wasn’t optimistic about the possible outcomes, he couldn’t deny that Cloud was as aware of the situation as he could be. Other than his own confusion and apprehension, Leon didn’t have a reasonable excuse to stop him. He sighed, giving in.

“Alright,” Leon said. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Promise me that you’ll come back if you feel overwhelmed.”

“I promise.”

“Please don’t do something that’ll leave you with more reasons to have nightmares.”

“I don’t plan or killing or raping anyone so I don’t see that happening.”

“Don’t say that so casually.”

“Sorry,” the blonde mumbled. “But… serious question: are you trying to stop me because you actually don’t want me? Because I haven’t heard you tell me you don’t. But I haven’t heard you say that you do. I won’t be offended if you don’t. I’d actually be surprised if you did.”

“This isn’t the sort of conversation I want to have in the middle of a hallway surrounded by people that can hear a fly fart from whatever dimension it lives in.”

“Ah… right.”

“If I tell you I don’t will you realize how much of a bad idea this is and come back to the room?”

“Honestly? Probably not at this point. I need to get over my issues with this. I can’t keep trying to eat in the cafeteria with the constant weird feeling I get. It’s stupid. I shouldn’t be bothered by it.”

“So your solution is to dive head first into whatever sexual escapades Zack and Tifa can come up with? Fucking hell, Cloud,” Leon grumped.

The blonde shrugged. “I don’t know what else to do.”

“Fine,” Leon sighed. “Whatever. Keep going.”

Tifa answered the door when Cloud knocked. Both men were taken aback when she appeared wearing a leather harness that consisted of a reinforced leather bra and thong connected with buckles. The pieces were laced together and belted into place. Coupled with that were 50 eyelet thigh-high leather boots with metal stiletto heels. Her casual demeanor as she stepped into the hallway was almost just as jarring. The bedroom behind her was very dimly lit and neither Leon nor Cloud could see much before the door closed. Tifa crossed her arms under her ample bosom and looked them both over as they stared at her wide-eyed and obviously shocked.

“What?” she asked. “The leather isn’t real, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“That is the _last_ thing I’m concerned about,” Leon blurted. He glanced at Cloud whose scowl was so deep it threatened to force his skull to cave in.

“But you are concerned?” the woman questioned.

“Sort of.”

“Don’t be. Cloud won’t die,” she said, reaching forward. Tifa took a handful of the front of Cloud’s shirt and pulled him towards the room. She opened the door, shoved him in, and closed it again.

“Uhh… you’re sure?” Leon asked suspiciously.

“Yeah,” Tifa said. She opened the door again briefly. “Don’t touch him,” she said to Cloud quickly before closing it again.

“Please don’t traumatize him,” the brunette said with a bit of a frown.

“I’ll try not to. I’m going to use your candles so that’ll hopefully get him a little more relaxed.”

“I hope so.”

“And I’m going to walk him through everything so he knows the rules.”

“Okay…”

“He’s allowed to tell me to stop.”

“Okay…”

“Don’t sound so apprehensive. It’ll be fine. Really,” Tifa said.

“If you say so,” Leon sighed.

“You seem more upset than you should be.”

“I’ve just got a lot to think about. But… I don’t need to get into it now. When should I come back for him?”

“I’ll let you know when he leaves then you can meet him halfway or whatever,” Tifa said.

“Okay.”

“You’re going to be alright?”

“Yeah… we can talk later,” Leon said. Tifa stepped to him and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

“Okay. See you later,” she said. The other Carrier nodded and left quietly.

In the bedroom, Cloud was very disturbed and confused. Zack was in the middle of the bed, on his back, naked with his knees pulled back against his chest, blindfolded, and gagged. He also had a metal bar between his legs that was strapped to the upper part of his calves, and he had his wrists shackled to his thighs with wide leather straps. He was wearing headphones, and Cloud wasn’t sure if he could actually hear anything or if whatever he was supposedly listening to was loud enough to drown everything out. But what he found the most troubling was the thin metal rod sticking out of the tip of the other man’s penis. It had a wide base to it about the width of a bottle cap and twice as thick. Suddenly very scared, Cloud was frozen in place against the wall next to the door, waiting for Tifa to come in and offer an explanation. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” the frighteningly dressed female Carrier said as the door popped open. She stepped inside and closed it again, taking in Cloud’s lack of color in his face and wide eyes. “You seem distressed.”

“I… I don’t…” the blonde stammered. Zack wasn’t a small person. He was a lot taller than Cloud could ever hope to be and had a decent amount of bulk to him. To see him completely subdued in a very vulnerable position when he least expected it was extremely unsettling, and Cloud regretted ever showing up.

“Don’t what?” Tifa asked, stepping into his line of sight. It took him a moment to see her and refocus his attention.

“I don’t think I should be here,” he said.

“Nonsense! I just got him to calm down like ten minutes ago.”

“Calm down?”

“Yeah. He initially wanted to just beat the shit out of you and threaten you, but I fixed it. Don’t worry.”

“Uh… thanks?”

“You’re welcome. For now. I sort of want to beat the shit out of you too so I would prefer it if you just cooperate.”

“I don’t really blame you, honestly. I sort of want to beat the shit out of myself after everything I’ve done.”

“Glad we can agree,” Tifa said with a pleasant smile. Behind her, Zack’s breathing abruptly sped up as he attempted to pull deep gasps in through his nose and around the bit gag between his teeth. The woman turned to check on him briefly.

“He looks like he’s in pain. Why are you doing that to him?” Cloud questioned, his brows furrowing together.

“He’s not in pain at all,” the woman said. She stepped to the side of the bed and nudged the wide cap sticking out of her Charge’s shaft. Zack’s thighs twitched and he gasped again.

“Please stop making him do that. I’ve already seen and heard things I can’t erase.”

“Don’t get insulting, now. Just because it’s different doesn’t mean it’s bad. This thing vibrates randomly every minute to five minutes. He likes it.”

“I find that very hard to believe.”

“Did you want to try it?”

“No! That’s not what I’m here for.”

“I know. But this is the easiest way I could get Zack to go along with this. He’s subdued; all you need to do is fuck him. I prepped him and everything. Have at it.”

“You really expect me to jump into this just like that?”

“Yeah, why not? I have some things to help you get into it if that’s your problem,” Tifa said. She stepped to the side table next to the bed and produced one of Leon’s candles. She held it out for him to see.

“A candle?” Cloud asked.

“Right. Leon made it. Apparently the flowers he grows make a nice scent. So nice, in fact, that it makes human men horny for just about anything. Or at least that’s how it works with Zack. Did you want to try?”

“Not really. I had hoped for something… different.”

“Yeah? What would that be?”

“I don’t actually know.”

“Well, if you can’t think of anything, then the only other plan I have is what I’ve already set up. I figured this would’ve been preferable to you. You’re not the one being fucked immediately. It’s easier to get used to new things like this if you start with the most pleasurable parts and work your way out of the comfort zone from there.”

“But…”

“But?”

“But… I don’t see Leon being the sort of person that’d be into this… whatever this is,” Cloud said, motioning to Zack. “And that’s what I came here for help with.”

The twisted amusement Tifa had been getting from Cloud’s reaction thus far started to dwindle. She was trying her hardest to scare the blonde away, but the more she persisted, and the more Cloud refused to give in to his obvious fear and leave, the less motivation she had to keep the charade up.  To her, the blonde looked very conflicted. And he was. Cloud desperately wanted to find some help with his issues, but he didn’t realize what he had agreed to and now felt like he had been trapped. His mind was racing trying to find a way to make the best of what he had been given and he wasn’t having much success. Tifa could see the genuine hurt that he was fighting through play out on the blonde’s face. She hadn’t anticipated Cloud bringing up Leon and whatever his interests were. It struck a chord with her.

“I don’t know what Leon likes, Cloud. I’ve never slept with him, so I don’t know what you expected to find here,” the woman said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I’m not really sure, either. I guess… I just wanted the basics? In my head, I thought Zack might’ve been able to get where I was coming from because he grew up like I did, more or less. I just need to get over my stupid issues more than anything.”

“I see,” Tifa said. She looked Zack over briefly before letting out a disappointed sigh. “And after so much work I put in.”

“I’m sorry. I’d understand if you don’t want me here anymore.”

“Honestly, Cloud? I never really wanted you here in the first place. I was humoring Leon,” the woman admitted. She sat on the bed and idly pet the backs of Zack’s thighs. The man tensed and his legs twitched under her touch.

“Leon… wanted you to… show me this?”

“No, no, no. He wanted me to scare you out of your idea of forcing yourself to be something you’re not. Your reaction isn’t what I expected, though.”

“What did you expect?”

“For you to get angry and leave immediately. Bringing up Leon and what he wants was also a surprise.”

“I don’t understand how my intentions could’ve been unclear.”

“They weren’t, I guess. Just thought it’d play out differently is all. Leon hasn’t told me what he expects or what he actually wants. So I’m not sure how to actually help you.”

“I could use the basics. I… apparently don’t have a clue.”

“Well that’s what Zack is prepped for. All you have to do is stuff his ass; it’s really not difficult.”

“Please… please stop that,” Cloud said, scrunching his face up.

“What’s the difference? You plan on doing it with Leon eventually anyway, right? I don’t see the issue here.”

“It’s different.”

“Right. That’s why you’re trying something new.”

“No, I mean, fucking Zack and fucking Leon are two completely different… situations? I’m not sure that’s the word I’m looking for. But I can’t do anything to Zack like this. All of this setup is too much for me right this second,” Cloud said.

“Hmm,” Tifa hummed thoughtfully. She scooted backwards until she could sit back comfortably against the pillows at the head of the bed. Reaching over, she gently rocked Zack until he rolled onto his side with his face resting against her thigh. She combed her fingers through his hair and he seemed to relax for a moment.

“I don’t like that sound. It leads me to believe you’re planning something more.”

“No, just thinking. Let me ask you, though: do you love Leon?” she asked, squinting at him suspiciously.

“No. Why?”

“Because this seems like an awful lot of effort and asking for very specific things for it just to be obligation. You say fucking Zack and Leon are two different things but if you don’t have any feelings for Leon, just like you have no feelings for Zack, they’re basically the same thing. It’s casual sex. And that’s not what you’re wanting from this, it sounds like.”

“What _I_ want? What I want doesn’t matter.”

“You may not think so consciously, but you’re telling me you need very specific stuff. If this was just fucking for the sake of fucking you don’t need my help with that. You also don’t need Zack’s help. But that’s not what you’re asking for. ‘The basics,’ as you call them, are literally just you sticking your dick in whatever orifices are foreign to you and seeing how it goes. End of lesson. That’s casual sex. But you’re telling me what you would do, or want to do, with Leon is different. Why?”

“I’m… not sure.”

“I think you need to reflect on that a little more before you volunteer yourself for things you don’t fully understand. You also said you thought Zack could ‘get where you’re coming from’ with your ‘issues.’ Just to clarify, you’re telling me that you two should’ve had the same views because you’re both from Midgar, right?”

“Or something kind of close. Nibelheim and Gongaga were really similar. I can’t imagine his experiences up until the military were all that different from mine. Unless I’m missing something. In my head, going from how my brain sees things to… that,” Cloud clipped, pointing to Zack’s vulnerable frame. “Had to have been some sort of weird revelation. I didn’t realize how far it went until I got here, but I’m way more curious to know what happened there than I am about actually following through and doing stuff to him. I wasn’t really all that keen on doing things to him in the first place. That was yours and Leon’s idea. I didn’t ask for that.”

“And yet you agreed to come here,” Tifa said.

“Right, because I thought I’d get something that’d help me get over the bullshit that sloshes around in my head. Even if it meant I had to actually do some stuff physically. But I never asked to be… mentally assaulted with shit I can’t unsee. I didn’t even know half the shit attached to him were things that existed.”

“This should’ve been an even better scenario for you, then. If you can get over seeing stuff like this, anything you do with Leon will be practically children’s television worthy with how tame it’d be. I understand what you’re telling me, and I sympathize with your apparent trauma, but you’re still here telling me to convince you to be something you’re not. It doesn’t matter what I show you, what Zack’s views were when he was younger, what Leon says, or what your intentions are. You’re still fighting against something that you’re never going to be able to get rid of. Even if you can manage to overcome the initial aversion to it, that doesn’t guarantee you’re suddenly going to abandon that part of yourself.”

“I know but…”

“But what?”

“But I want to. I want to get over it.”

“Then that is going to be an extremely personal journey that I can’t help you with. No amount of random forced fucking and plastic dicks is going to make you less of a homophobic prick.”

“I’m not trying to feel attracted to every guy that ever existed. Just…”

“Just Leon?”

“I guess? But… I’m not even trying to be attracted to him but… I don’t know. I just wanted to help him not be alone for the rest of his life. He can’t be happy that way. I thought I could get over it enough to at least do that much for him. The physical stuff was supposed to be the first step to working on that because to me that’s easier to give up to someone than anything else.”

“So you wanted to wrap him up in a shallow loveless relationship because… you feel guilty? That sounds more self serving than generous. Has he even told you he wanted you that way? I can’t imagine he does. Not after everything that’s happened.”

“It wasn’t my intention for it to be like that. I was just hoping the feelings part would just show up after a while. Fuck if I know how this is supposed to work, Tifa. It’s really fucking stupid, I feel like an asshole already, but I feel like more of an asshole not trying _something_. And… I don’t have anything else to give but myself. So I don’t know what else to do.”

“Have you tried just… being nice to him?”

“Yeah, and he told me he’s fine with how it is now, but what about later? He can’t be happy like this forever. I’m not even convinced he’s happy now.”

Tifa shrugged. “I agree, but unless he tells you so, you don’t really have the right to impose your ideas on him. Haven’t you forced him to do enough?”

“I… I know. And I’m not trying to. But I’ve asked him if he wants me like that and he avoids the question. He doesn’t tell me ‘yes,’ but he also doesn’t tell me ‘no.’ He gets more concerned about how _I_ feel about it rather than telling me what I need to hear. If he was a little clearer on this, I’d be a lot better off. But until he makes a decision, I don’t have much to go off of.”

“I see. He didn’t tell me about that part,” Tifa said.

She leaned forward and started unfastening the belts that kept Zack’s wrists against his thighs and the bar between his legs. Her Charge flexed his limbs once they were free. But before he could do much more, Tifa’s hands were on him. She gently tugged on the vibrating rod sticking out of his shaft, pulling it free. Cloud couldn’t watch. Once he realized how long the metal piece was, his skin started to crawl and he had to look away. He could hear Zack be brought to climax, and he desperately wished he hadn’t. It felt like there were hundreds of ants inching along under his skin; he was so uncomfortable. Tifa eventually passed by him as she went to her bathroom to retrieve a hand towel. Cloud didn’t look at them until she had returned to Zack and presumably wiped him clean.

“What’d I miss?” the other Charge asked, his voice somewhat hoarse. The blonde looked to him and took in the red marks where the straps had been, including the ones on either side of Zack’s mouth. Tifa scooped up all of the equipment, excluding Zack’s tablet and the headphones he had been using, and headed for the bathroom again.

“Ask Cloud,” she said as she left them and closed the door behind her. Zack stretched again and reclined back against the pillows with his arms up and hands folded behind his head. Cloud found it somewhat awkward to hold a conversation with someone just casually lying around naked. He fidgeted in his place.

“So? Am I not pretty enough for you?” Zack asked, watching his blonde counterpart expectantly.

“Did you really not hear anything?” the younger Charge asked.

“No. I was listening to myself fucking Tifa from… last week, I think? It was distracting.”

“…Oh. Okay.”

“So I’ll ask again: Am I not pretty enough for you? I wasn’t expecting to be let go without my ass hurting.”

“Ah… sorry to disappoint you. You’re… beautiful? Don’t worry?” Cloud guessed awkwardly. Zack laughed.

“Thanks. You look _so_ uncomfortable.”

“I’m very uncomfortable.”

“Good.”

“Why is that good?”

“Because it’s more interesting that way. Come sit with me,” the other Charge said, patting the bed next to him.

“I… I don’t think so. I’m okay over here.”

“Seriously?” Zack asked with obvious exasperation in his voice. He sluggishly rolled onto his side and tugged down the covers underneath him. Scooting under them until he was covered, he relaxed back into place. “Now will you sit with me?”

“Tifa told me you wanted to beat the shit out of me; I’m not sure I should.”

“I’m not going to beat the shit out of you. I don’t have the energy for that anymore.”

“Right,” Cloud sighed. He shuffled over to the bed and sat on the very edge of the corner at the end.

“Wow,” the older Charge sighed, starting to feel insulted.

“Sorry. It’s taking everything I have to stay here.”

“You’re really struggling that much? God, you’re hopeless.”

“I know,” Cloud mumbled miserably. He didn’t understand why he was still there. Perhaps he wanted to punish himself.

“I honestly can’t understand why you’re so upset. You agreed to be here.”

“I know.”

“Once you leave here are you going to try and off yourself again? Are you _that_ upset?”

“No,” Cloud said. Shame started to bubble up under his skin. He looked down at his hands as the emotion trailed along his jaw line like a trail of feathers as it kept upward towards his eyes.

Again, Zack sighed. He was starting to have the same problem Tifa was. Neither of them were vindictive or hateful people, and when presented with something pathetic, it was hard for them to stay angry. It was very clear that Cloud was remorseful. It was also very clear that he was confused. Zack wanted to be angry. He wanted to make the blonde uncomfortable and nervous. He wanted to do what he thought should’ve been done months ago and beat the blonde into submission. Leon, in his opinion, was too forgiving for all the hurt he had incurred. However, Zack was quickly realizing just how difficult it was to stay angry like he wanted to when the receiving party was just so… _sad._ He watched Cloud sulk for a few minutes before giving in.

“Look,” he grumbled. Cloud turned his attention to him. “I’m sorry. It’s not fair of me to try and keep punishing you when the person you’ve hurt the most already forgave you. It’s hard for me to agree with Leon and how easily he’s let everything go. Or is trying to.”

“I know. I understand. I don’t really get what he’s thinking, either.”

“If you don’t agree with him, why did you stay?”

“Because that’s what he wants. It doesn’t matter what I want. But, even if I did leave, I don’t know what I’d do. This just… seems like the best option. For now, anyway.”

“What’re you hoping to get out of this?”

“What is ‘this?’ The project? Or all of this setup and you sitting near me naked?”

“Both. What do you want from your life here? If you stay for Leon, what do you hope to accomplish?”

“I’m not sure. I just know I don’t want him to be lonely and miserable. Which is what I came here for. I was wondering how you learned to be okay with… everything. If you weren’t in the first place, that is,” Cloud said.

“I wasn’t into it, no. All of the more interesting parts of my life have come from Tifa.”

“How did you get comfortable with it, though? I’m just working on the mental part first before I even attempt anything more. Had you guys asked me to participate in a less… abrupt way, I would’ve tried, but that wasn’t what I came here for specifically.”

“I got comfortable with it because I love Tifa and I trust her. She said it’d feel good, and that she’d stop if it didn’t. I took her word for it and I don’t regret it.  And scaring you was mostly Leon’s idea. But forgetting about that, do you trust him?”

“Yeah.”

“You can start with that. Sex is sex, you know? You don’t have to love someone to do that. If Leon has needs and you’re both willing, there shouldn’t be a problem. Your first priority should be figuring out if Leon actually wants this or not. Take it from there.”

“I’ve asked. He won’t answer directly.”

“Then sit him down and talk to him about it until you get an answer you can understand,” Zack said.

“He’s really good about skirting around things he’s not comfortable with,” Cloud grumbled.

“Yeah, he is. But once you do get an answer, you can work on the comfort part. Whatever you two come up with is going to make you uncomfortable. It’s just a fact,” the older Charge said, sitting up more and folding his legs underneath him. He fixed the blanket around his lower half so he didn’t offend Cloud’s apparently delicate sensibilities. “You’re basically a virgin again, you know? You’re not going to be good at it, it’s going to be awkward as fuck, and it might even hurt depending how you handle it. But that’s normal. If you at least trust Leon, then you can go into it with the security knowing that he’ll stop if you hate it, or he’ll tell you to stop if he hates it. You don’t get that with people you randomly take home with you from a bar. This should be easier.”

“I guess…”

“Or is Leon not the problem? Other than not knowing if he even wants this?”

“Him being Leon isn’t really the problem, no. It’s mostly the… parts.”

Zack couldn’t help himself and let out an abrupt laugh. “Are you afraid of your own junk or something?”

“What? No. That’s stupid,” Cloud said, furrowing his brows together.

“Then why be afraid of his? It’s not any different.”

“I… don’t know. It’s stupid. I know it is. But I don’t know how to move past it.”

“That’s not really something I can help you with if you’re not willing to have sex with me. Which, I’m not upset over, so don’t feel obligated,” Zack said.

“Have you done it before with other guys? Without Tifa in the middle?”

“Yeah. She likes to watch.”

Cloud scrunched his face up. “What? That sounds really boring.”

Zack shrugged. “I like watching sometimes too.”

“Two dudes going at it? Really?”

“I don’t get much out of that, no. It’s Tifa and other guys mostly. Sometimes other women.”

“I’d have to kill somebody. I don’t share well.”

“Well I wouldn’t worry about that stuff. That’s an extra thing that came way further down the line of our relationship. Try to focus on Leon’s junk for now.”

“Eh…” Cloud grunted. He scowled a bit. “I was about to say I don’t want to focus on it but that’d sort of defeat the purpose of all of this, wouldn’t it?”

“I’d say so.”

The blonde sighed. “I don’t even understand how to approach this. I mean, I can flat out ask him if he wants this, and if he says he does, that doesn’t tell me _how_ I get there. I barely even know him. How the fuck are either of us supposed to get in the mood for any of this? Acknowledging that he’d be okay with it doesn’t automatically mean it’s going to happen, you know?”

“Then it sounds like you need to work on the personal stuff, then. You’ve had a girlfriend before, right?”

“…Yeah,” the blonde said hesitantly.

“Why can’t you do the stuff to Leon that you did with her? Talk to him. Take him somewhere. Get to know him. This isn’t rocket science.”

“I grew up with Aerith. I didn’t have to do a lot of that stuff. It just sort of… happened.”

“Oh,” Zack deadpanned. He pressed his lips into a thin line in thought. “I don’t see why you couldn’t do that with him anyway.”

“I guess I could.”

“Or would you rather spend the rest of your life with him, having sex, but not understanding what he’s thinking? That seems sort of empty to me.”

“I agree. I spent so long hating him, though. It’s really hard to just up and forget all of that when I talk to him.”

“Then you need to call Auron and work on that. You seem to have two different modes when it comes to Leon,” Zack said. He held up one hand. “Angry,” he then held up the other. “Or guilty,” he added. He settled them in his lap again. “You need to find something to hang on to when you’re with him that’s not either of those things.”

“I guess. I have a hard time imagining where I’d start, though.”

“I’m sure you feel other stuff around him, but those two are just too strong they overshadow everything else so you don’t notice.”

“Maybe…”

“Try gratefulness. You’re grateful that he’s done so much for you, right?” Zack asked.

Cloud hesitated with his answer. His self hatred rolled around in his head for a moment and told him that, no, he wasn’t grateful for anything Leon had done for him. He should be dead like he deserved to be. The thoughts evaporated quickly as he scolded himself. If he was truly ungrateful and not just momentarily upset, he wouldn’t have come back and would’ve just killed himself in prison. He supposed the guilt and obligation he felt towards Leon were byproducts of gratefulness. If he didn’t put any value on anything he had been given, he wouldn’t feel guilty for taking them, right? Cloud wasn’t in the right mindset to fully process that line of thinking, but the basic logic there seemed to make sense. Yes, he was grateful for Leon’s generosity, care, and kindness. The realization made heat and color creep up his neck and settle on his cheeks. Zack smirked a little watching Cloud’s confliction play out on his face.

“Yeah. I am,” the blonde said finally.

“Then hang on to that instead of the bad stuff. You’ll find more once you get more comfortable with him, I’m sure. In all honesty, it’s not an easy thing to do, but something’s got to give here, Cloud. Some serious change needs to happen between you two in order for this to work. And… Leon’s already given and changed enough. It’s your turn. If you’re serious about this, you really need to take a step back and evaluate why you feel certain things around him and then decide if hanging on to those feelings are worth the time you’re giving them. Auron is probably better at helping you deal with that than I am.”

“See, that is the kind of help I was hoping for when I came here. I really didn’t need to see your asshole and metal shoved in your cock.”

“If you’re waiting for me to be ashamed, you’re going to be disappointed,” Zack said with a bit of a laugh.

“I’m not expecting that. I’m just letting you know for next time.”

 “Next time?”

“Maybe a next time. I think I have an okay starting point for now. Thanks,” Cloud said sheepishly.

Tifa emerged from the bathroom then with a pile of leather and straps in her arms. She had disrobed and donned one of what Cloud assumed was Zack’s shirts. The cloth was far too big for her and hung to the middle of her thighs like a short sundress. For Cloud, that was much more attractive than leather and metal. Had she approached him like that instead, he would’ve been much more receptive to whatever she wanted him to do. The pair on the bed watched her tuck away the pile of supplies in an armoire. She then joined them, sprawling out on her stomach next to Zack and hugging a pillow to her face.

“What took you so long?” Zack asked.

“I heard you two having a moment out here so I took care of myself without you,” the woman said nonchalantly. She yawned.

“I would’ve helped. And judging by how he keeps staring at your ass, I’m sure Cloud would’ve, too,” her Charge said. Cloud abruptly looked down at his hands and kept them there.

“It’s okay. I didn’t want to disturb you. You can make it up to me later,” Tifa said, nudging Zack lightly. He smiled.

“Anyway,” Zack continued, turning his attention back to Cloud. “Let me know how things go. I’m curious.”

“Oh, are we done?” Tifa questioned. She glanced over her shoulder at Cloud.

“I think I have a starting point, and that helps a lot. Thank you,” the blonde said. He stood and looked to them both. “Seriously. I appreciate your willingness to help even if it was… traumatizing. I know you would’ve rather not have, but that makes it feel more generous to me.”

“I’m not going to say ‘you’re welcome’ because I honestly don’t believe you deserve to be helped and don’t want you back here anytime soon,” Tifa said. “But I appreciate your thankfulness.”

“Ah… right,” Cloud agreed.

“I’ll call Leon and let him know we’re done. Don’t do anything stupid until you see him again,” she said.

“Okay,” the younger Charge confirmed, heading for the door.

Once they were alone, Zack and Tifa looked to each other. Neither knew what to say right away, so they didn’t speak. The woman shuffled off the bed and went to retrieve Zack’s tablet in order to put a call in to Leon. The other Carrier answered quickly and was visibly surprised to see them. He raised a brow at Zack’s nudity and Tifa’s change of clothes.

“Done already? That was quick. Or is something wrong?” Leon asked.

“No, we’re done. He’s on his way back to you,” Tifa said.

“Did he not have any stamina or something? I expected him to be away for at least a couple hours.”

“Nah, we didn’t do anything. Scared him, but we didn’t touch him.”

“Judging by Zack’s lack of pants I would’ve assumed otherwise.”

“Trust me. I’m happier with not having him touch me,” Zack interjected.

“Alright, well, what should I expect from him, then?” Leon questioned. He stood from his seat and started walking with Cloud’s tablet in hand so he could keep talking.

Zack shrugged. “Honestly? I’m not completely sure. We talked, and he really needs you to tell him what you want. He’s extremely confused. But, he seems to have gleaned an idea from me and he says he has a starting point now. So there is that. But, really Leon, give him an idea of what you want from him,” the Charge insisted.

“I know I need to,” Leon agreed.

“What _do_ you want from him?” Tifa asked. “He seems pretty willing to just bend over for you.”

“It’s not that simple,” the male Carrier countered. “Even if he just settles for me and sticks around for twenty years or whatever, he’ll be miserable. His guilt is making him feel like this.”

“I agree.”

“So I don’t want to take advantage of that. That’s not the sort of relationship I want us to have.”

“Okay, so, tell me this: in a perfect world, what would your ideal outcome be?” Tifa asked.

“Is this a perfect world starting from right now or when Cloud and I met?”

“Right now.”

“Oh God, I have no idea, Tifa,” Leon said with a deep sigh. “I guess… if he can make me believe he’d really be okay getting involved with me, I’d give it a try. But that’s really asking a lot. Being around him still makes me jittery when I let my mind think too much.”

“Tell him that. Be honest with him. I don’t like the idea of him being here and being a part of your life, but I don’t actually think he’d intentionally do anything to hurt you again. So if this is feasible and you can be happy, then I’d try it. I don’t want you to be lonely, Leon.”

“Too late for that. _Way_ too late for that,” the male Carrier scoffed. Tifa sighed.

“Well, that’s all I have for you, then. Be honest with him, and don’t make any dumb mistakes you’ll regret later. If you find out halfway through that this isn’t okay for you, please please please… don’t force yourself to keep it up.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise me,” Tifa pleaded.

“I promise,” Leon said.

“Alright. I don’t have anything else for you and I don’t want to nag. So, I’ll see you later,” she said.

“Okay. I appreciate the help.”

“No problem,” the woman said with a tiny smile. The call ended there and she set the tablet aside with a deep sigh.

“Not happy with this outcome?” Zack questioned.

“Not unhappy, per se, but worried. They’re both idiots.”

“Yeah they are. Biggest ones I know.”


	98. Chapter 98

Chapter 98

“Did you have fun on your extremely stupid adventure?” Leon asked blandly, handing his Charge his tablet as he approached. They had met outside; halfway between the male and female buildings.

“No. I’m never going to be able to look Zack in the eye without seeing his asshole ever again. The guy really needs to shave,” Cloud muttered, taking the device and hugging it to his chest in a futile attempt to garner comfort from somewhere.

“That’s a visual I didn’t need in my life, Cloud. Don’t drag me into this with you,” the Carrier said, scrunching his face up. “However, your point is duly noted. You don’t like hairy assholes. Good to know.”

“Please stop. I’ve had enough for today.”

“You’ve invited a whole tidal wave of awful comments on yourself by being so stubborn. I have little sympathy.”

“That’s fair, I guess.”

“Do you regret keeping up with this? Will you stop now?”

“Is that what you want me to do? I expect you to tell me ‘yes’ but I want to know if you want me to stop for your sake or mine, first,” Cloud said, fixing a serious expression on Leon’s face.

The brunette scowled. “Let’s go inside and talk about this,” he said solemnly.

“Thank you,” his Charge said with a relieved sigh. He followed Leon towards the entrance to the facility.

Cloud was happy that they were going to talk, but he wasn’t very optimistic about the process. He expected Leon to mix words and try to avoid saying anything definitive about the situation. That had become the usual routine for them. However, Leon didn’t plan on doing that this time around. He intended to be clear about what he wanted, but when he really thought about it there was a small problem: he didn’t actually know what he wanted. Having companionship for the remainder of his life sounded like an okay deal but if that companion was Cloud, the idea turned into a scary one. He hoped that his honesty would help spur a healthy discussion about how they could reach a resolution they could both be happy with. But, similarly to how Cloud felt, Leon had his doubts. He didn’t think his Charge was mentally stable enough to handle such conversations.

“Okay,” Leon said, taking a deep breath. They had reached his bedroom again and the Carrier stepped to his bed and took a seat. Cloud shuffled in after him and sat next to him.

“Okay,” the blonde parroted.

“I understand what you’re trying to do. I understand how you feel. I’m flattered. But I also understand where you’ve been mentally for the last couple of decades, and I know no amount of guilt is going to erase that, just so you’re aware.”

“Why can’t it?” Cloud asked, setting his tablet aside. He scooted backwards until he could pull his legs up onto the bed and fold them underneath himself. “Rude doesn’t seem to have any problem going against what he’s used to.”

“Rude was also raised and lived through a different environment than you. He hasn’t had the same experiences you have.”

“So? I do a lot of things my upbringing told me I shouldn’t do. Nana never taught me how to rape and murder people.”

“Cloud…” Leon said, a disappointed sigh escaping him. He furrowed his brows together and looked down at his hands, trying his best to focus on the lines on his palms rather than the damaging memories that threatened to resurface against his will.

“Sorry.”

“You really need to stop doing that. I’m trying really hard to forget, and bringing everything up every two hours isn’t helping me.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try to stop. It’s hard to when it’s basically all I think about,” the blonde mumbled, picking at a loose thread on the blanket underneath him.

“I can understand those sentiments very well,” Leon said. He craned his neck one way and then the other, the tension leaking into his shoulders and making them tight. Rolling onto his side so he could reach his side table where he stored his kiseru and Zen, he decided right then was the perfect time to light up and stall for some coherent thought to find its way into his head.

“Should I blame myself for you starting to smoke, too?” his Charge asked.

Leon exhaled a long stream of swirling smoke into the air and shrugged. “It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s just a way of stress management for me. I’ve been stressed since I rolled out of my gestational chamber. But if it makes you feel better, you can take credit for it, sure.”

“I see.”

“Want to try?” the brunette asked, holding the pipe out to him.

“Eh…” Cloud grunted, hesitating.

“It doesn’t seem to bother you when I do it around you, so I would assume you’d be okay. I promise it’s nowhere near the strength of the garbage that Mako was made of.”

“Maybe… maybe some other time. I’m having a hard enough time concentrating right now as it is. I don’t need to hinder myself more than I already am.”

“Suit yourself,” the Carrier said, sitting back against his pillows with his legs stretched out in front of him. He took another long drag before continuing. “As for the rest of the stuff bothering you; I have mixed feelings. Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? No. Do I want to find someone outside the facility? Sort of, but it’d be an unfulfilling venture in the end so I don’t really see the point. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved.”

“So I’m your only option.”

“Technically, yes. I can see where your obligation comes from. I completely understand, please believe me on that. But I also want for you the same things I would want for that imaginary person outside the facility I have the option of being involved with. I want what’s fair for you, and what would make you happy. To me, that’s a more fulfilling relationship than anything sexual you could do for me. But I have sincere doubts that you could have either of those things with me; happiness or fairness. Even if you temporarily feel better simply because you’re doing something to make up for your guilt, that can only last so long. And that sort of shallow relationship isn’t fair to me just as much as it isn’t fair to you.”

“And you know that for one hundred percent certain? Completely?”

“Of course not, but I have a pretty big gut feeling that’s hard to ignore. You’re not going to be able to convince me very easily that what would follow that scenario is what’s best for you.”

“The thing is, I don’t even have an idea of what’s best for me. Sitting here right now doesn’t feel very good. I don’t actually want to talk about this or have to think about any of it. If it was going to happen, I wish it would happen on its own without my mental input. But if I wasn’t here doing this, where would I be? Probably dead. Is this not better than the alternative? Is this not already what’s best for me?”

“That’s what’s best for one aspect of your life, yes. Life versus death isn’t much of a choice when it comes to which is better. The rest of your life is the confusing part.”

“Right, which I would like to try and figure out myself, if that’s okay with you.”

“It’s fine with me up until you decide that I need to be part of it in more ways than what’s necessary. Because then you’re not worrying about just your life. You’re encroaching on mine,” Leon said.

“Then tell me you don’t want me to be involved like that. For your sake. Not mine. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve repeated this, Leon. If you don’t want this because you don’t want me, that’s okay. I just need to know that you’re refusing me because it’s me. Not because what you think will make my life better.”

“I don’t know what I want,” the Carrier admitted finally. “I care about your wellbeing too much to torture you with a relationship with me. But I don’t want to be alone.”

Cloud frowned and furrowed his brows together. “Why do you say it like that? Why does it have to be torture?”

“Because that’s what it would be. You’d be living a lie.”

“Because you’d only go through with it to make me feel better?”

“No. Because you don’t love me,” Leon mumbled, inhaling deeply. “Why would I chain you to a relationship when it wouldn’t even be reciprocal? So we’d fuck around a few times a month and tolerate being around each other the rest of the time. Big fucking deal. You don’t get anything out of that, and neither do I. I’d know it was just a shallow effort for recompense on your part and you’d force yourself to be doing something that doesn’t actually hold any benefit. There’s more involved than just forcing yourself to take some dick every now and again.”

“I… I know.”

“If you know that, then why are we having this conversation?”

Cloud hesitated for longer than Leon expected. “Because I was sort of hoping that the rest of it would just… fall into place. Like I said: I have no idea what’s best for me, and I sure as hell don’t know what’s best for you. I also haven’t tried. But even more than that, I’ve realized that I don’t even know you. I’ve spent our entire time together hating your guts for literally no reason. I never took the time to understand you because I thought I already did. But that entire foundation I thought I had was built on a bunch of lies and gross misgivings. So I don’t know what’ll happen in… a few months. Or a few years. Getting past the physical stuff now seems easier than trying to predict the emotional stuff in the future. It’s less to think about.”

Leon still had his doubts. The things Cloud was telling him made sense, and when he thought about it, he could agree that his Charge didn’t really know him. He didn’t blame him, but he could agree. If their roles were reversed, and Leon believed his Charge had done some horrendous thing to him before he understood anything, he couldn’t say he would’ve taken the time to get to know Cloud, either.  But now he was faced with a bigger issue. Cloud was making sense, and Leon couldn’t predict the future. His Charge did seem sincere when he claimed to want to know him better, and if by some miracle he liked what he discovered (which Leon greatly doubted), why should the Carrier deny him? He wanted companionship, didn’t he?

The brunette sighed. “Alright.”

“Alright?”

“Yes. Alright.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means I give up,” Leon said, pulling in another breath of smoke.

“…I don’t understand.”

The Carrier exhaled again. “I’m not going to deny you if you’re really adamant about this. But, like I said, it’s going to take a lot to convince me that anything positive you feel towards me is genuine. Right now, you tolerate me because you don’t have the choice to be away from me. That’s what I feel. Any more than that I will associate with your guilt until I can see otherwise.”

Cloud furrowed his brows together. “Really? Yeah… I don’t have a choice, but I don’t hate this. I did at first because I just sort of wanted to crawl under a rock, but it hasn’t been bad.”

“You’re sure about that? Then why can’t you sleep? I was under the impression that your mind was running amok and being around me doesn’t help it stop.”

“I also couldn’t sleep before this. This is nothing new to me.”

“Right. Because of guilt. Your guilt persists with me. You’re tolerating being around me, but it still picks at you. It’s okay to say it,” Leon said flatly, a crease forming on his brow.

His Charge’s expression turned more distressed. “Why are you being like this?”

“Like what? Truthful?” the Carrier asked, his tone turning a bit sharper. Anxiety and tension were slowly snaking their way through his nerves. Giving his Charge permission to continue pursuing him had turned out to be much more terrifying than he had anticipated. His mind was starting to conjure up scenarios surrounding their potential relationship that all ended in disaster. He was trying to pull his words back by making Cloud understand the mistake he was making.

“No. Two seconds ago you were okay but you just flipped a switch and seem almost angry. Did I do something?”

“No. I’m just being honest with you. Not everything you’ve done in your life is directly related to me, but by being around me, you’re reminded of it all anyway. I’m just making sure you understand the torment you’re piling up on yourself by volunteering your companionship to me.”

“Are you not doing the same by telling me its okay to keep going? You have to be around me too, you know. You’d be tormenting yourself just as much as you think you’d be tormenting me.”

Cloud had boxed him in a conversational corner. Leon didn’t know what else to say; the blonde was right. He sighed and set his pipe aside. As he sat up, Cloud noticed the Carrier’s fingers trembling. Leon tried to hide his nervousness by folding his hands together in his lap. The brunette couldn’t bring himself to respond to the other’s question directly, and he was quiet for a long awkward moment as he tried to piece what he wanted to say together. He closed his eyes in an effort to concentrate, but was silent for so long, Cloud was beginning to think he had fallen asleep.

“I’m sorry,” Leon murmured. He brought his hands up and rubbed his eyes. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I think. This is just… very difficult for me to parse,” he admitted. When he opened his eyes again, they were unfocused and a little wet. He kept them aimed at the comforter. “I’m having a hard time with it. In my head, I see no reason not to give you a chance, but my paranoia and my fear is keeping my rationality unstable.”

“I’m sorry. That’s why I’d understand if you didn’t want to do this. It’s asking a lot.”

“No… no… it’s fine. As much as it scares me, I can’t deny that your reasons make sense and my emotions are being stupid. Just… be patient with me. I’m better than I was but I’m far from healthy, myself,” the brunette explained, finally glancing at his Charge.

Cloud pondered his words for a moment before nodding a bit. “Okay. I’ll try really hard to remember that. I apologize in advance for anything stupid I might do.”

“You’ll be okay,” Leon said. After a moment of silence, he let out a dry laugh in spite of himself. “Besides guilt, I don’t understand why any of this would be appealing to you. Even if I ignore the fact that I’m a man, and you’re conditioned to dislike anything homosexual, I’m still just… unappealing. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Why do you say that?”

The Carrier’s eyes grew wide and he stared at Cloud with disbelief. “Are you blind?”

“…No?”

“I’m… not attractive. I don’t have many redeeming qualities. I don’t have the ability to buy you nice things to compensate. And other than work to do and someone to talk at, I don’t have much to offer your future. So… like I said before: your guilt can only take you so far.”

“Can you do me a favor?”

“What’s that?”

“Let me decide what I find appealing and what I feel is a redeeming quality. You’re telling me you’re a bad choice when I haven’t even been given any legitimate reasons to agree with you. Your opinion of me is way higher than mine is, and the inverse is apparently the same for you. I have no idea why you would want to keep me around and you have no idea why I would bother with you, so I think our mutual confusion should just… cancel each other out. I think we both need to just get over it and accept it.”

“…The amount of sense you just spewed makes me uncomfortable.”

“I’m not going to apologize for that one.”

“I’m okay with that,” Leon said. He picked up and took another drag off his pipe. “Did I answer all your questions?”

“For now, yeah. Thank you.”

“Good. So moving on. Chemistry.”

“We don’t have any.”

“…Yes, I’m aware. I was talking about your homework, though.”

“Oh! Right. Sorry,” Cloud blurted, his cheeks turning a bit pink as he reached for his tablet again.

\--------------

“I hate you so much,” Leon grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Reno laughed. “No you don’t.”

“Yes I do. You’ve influenced my stupid Charge into being more stupid.”

“I didn’t do shit. I just had a conversation with him. Most of it was his idea,” Reno lied, leaning back in his seat and folding his hands on his stomach. He yawned; his friend’s call having woken him up.

“You must think I’m an idiot if you expect me to believe that,” Leon grumped. He glanced back into his bedroom where he could see Cloud’s sleeping form still snoozing away peacefully. It was the middle of the night, and he was waiting to see how long his Charge’s sleep cycle would last. The blonde’s tablet was parked on the table next to his side of the bed and was softly playing the loop of soothing piano music Leon had put together. So far, things were going as he had hoped. Cloud had been sleeping for almost two hours straight, which was much better than recent nights.

“I was hoping you were a temporary idiot, yes. But I don’t get the impression you’re really that angry at me. Annoyed, maybe, but not angry. What did he do? Did he randomly throw himself at you again?”

“No. We talked it out. Granted, we talked it out after he decided to traumatize himself and go through with hanging around Zack and Tifa for an hour, but talked it out none the less.”

“Oh, I’m sure he had an exciting time.”

“It probably was. I didn’t ask for details.”

“Talking is good, though. What conclusion did you come to?”

“He’s pretty adamant to try… _something_ with me. Whatever that is and when he decides he’s ready for it has yet to be determined.”

“Are you okay with that?”

“I find it ironic that you would bother to ask me that after you’ve already influenced the outcome,” Leon said.

“Hey, I told him not to try if he couldn’t be genuine and if he couldn’t commit. The fact that he still approached you about it tells me he thinks that might be possible. So, I’d like to think the idea is coming from the right place.”

“I guess. I told him that it’d take a lot to convince me that whatever positive things he might feel are legitimate. He admitted that he had no idea if he could or couldn’t eventually feel something for me but I don’t think he’d purposely do anything to upset me at any rate. So we’ll see.”

“Will you be okay with a relationship with him?”

Leon raised a brow. “Are you asking with the context of reaffirming my trauma with him or if I think he’s good enough to be with me in general?”

“Both.”

“I don’t know. He hasn’t been so bad to be around since he got home. If things stay like this and he just gets a little happier and stops apologizing every thirty seconds, it’ll probably be sufficient. I don’t know what I’ll feel about the physical stuff if that ever happens. My mental state at rest is better than what it is in the moment.”

“Sufficient isn’t the same as good.”

“Sufficient is all I’m willing to give it right now. I’m not going to ask for unrealistic things. I’m already having a hard enough time believing Cloud could take it that far in the first place.”

“Only Cloud is going to take it that far? What about you? Or are you just going to sit back and wait for him to make it work without your input? I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

“I’m not sure. I haven’t been able to think through it very much. I have to see that there’s something there of worth before I’ll make the effort to make it work.”

“I don’t blame you,” Reno repeated. “Do you think there could be? I’d put some worth on that ass of his.”

“He’s worth more than his ass, Reno. Even if you don’t think so.”

“Ah, see? He’s worth _something_ to you, then.”

“Well of course he is. He’s my Charge.”

“No, I meant worth paying attention to. Even if it’s shallow and superficial.”

“I would rather not be shallow and superficial.”

“Spoilsport. I do want to request that you record your first time together so I can see his butt jiggle unabashed and in the moonlight.”

“Reno…” Leon sighed, running a tired hand over his face. His friend laughed.

“You make it too easy. I can’t even apologize. One of these days you’ll relax a little and be able to laugh with me over crude jokes.”

“No. I refuse.”

“Aw. Don’t be like that,” the redhead said, smiling a bit. He yawned again.

“I’m sorry I woke you up. I needed a way to stay awake to make sure Cloud stays asleep.”

“Nah, it’s okay. It’s just more of an excuse to sleep in and force Rude to stay in bed with me.”

“Ah. Well, I’m glad there’s a silver lining there.”

“Most definitely. I am happy to know you’re sort of moving forward. Even though you probably don’t feel like you are. Trying is better than settling for nothing, in my opinion. And who knows? You could get laid and have a nice fuzzy feeling again.”

“Maybe.”

“Right. Maybe.”

“My confidence in this situation is very flaccid,” the brunette said. “I hope this doesn’t end in disaster.”

“Well, the only thing you’d truly be wasting is time. Assuming neither of you die or whatever. Time is basically infinite for us. It would suck, but it won’t kill you if you have to try again. At least you could say you tried in the first place.”

“That’s not helpful.”

“I know. But it’s the truth. Besides, even if it isn’t the most ideal sunshiny relationship, I have a hard time believing you’d be able to have kids with one another and just have… nothing in between there. Cloud likes kids, right?”

“He does. Some days he’s basically an oversized six year old with the penis the size of a giraffe.”

Reno laughed. “I’m not going to argue that. But my point was you both have strong feelings about family do you not? Do you seriously believe you’d be able to make one with him and feel nothing?”

“I never got the impression Cloud’s sense of family extended beyond Midgar. I can’t say for certain what he feels now.”

“That’s a crock of shit. You know damn well what he feels about it. Don’t you remember what Tifa told us after she visited him after he was arrested? He basically beat the shit out of you because he felt like you were trying to shoehorn your way into a space he had reserved for Aerith; and that space was the one he was supposed to have a family with. She’s deader than Elvis at this point and you’re going to tell me he up and abandoned all feelings of family when he got here? But still got angry at you like that? Come on.”

“He felt that way because of Aerith, though.”

“So? You’re just doing it in the reverse order. Instead of love, marriage, and the baby carriage, you’re starting with the kids first. Don’t discount whatever desire he might have to have a family just because you think it can never be applied to anyone else other than Aerith. That’s just ridiculous,” the redhead said, sitting up in his seat again and resting his elbow on his terminal’s main flat panel.

“I never really thought about it in this context.”

“I can tell.”

“I can’t replace Aerith, though.”

“Of course you can’t; you’re not her. You can’t expect every relationship anyone ever has to feel exactly the same. If they were, the world would be far too boring. Whatever you have with him won’t be the same as it was with Zell, either, by the way. So why should your input be compared to Aerith? That’s unreasonable.”

“I guess…”

“I’d be curious to know what his reaction will be when you guys get to the point where you can pick the features of your first Carrier together.”

“Yeah, me too. He might not want to pick through anything at all and just let the computer decide.”

“But he could also be really into it and finally see you as the father of his children rather than just some random dude that kidnapped him and pets him to sleep.”

“That’s a weird thought,” Leon said, tapping his jaw with a finger thoughtfully.

“When it finally hit Rude he got super mushy about it. It was so cute. His face stayed red for the entire time we were hitting buttons and he kept staring at me. He didn’t know what to do with himself.”

“It’s difficult for me to imagine Cloud looking at me without anger, neutral tolerance, or tears.”

“That’ll pass, I’m sure,” Reno said.

“I hope so. Anyway, I’ll think about this and let you know what happens. If anything. I’m really tired,” Leon said.

“Okay. I look forward to your update. Let me know how much jiggle he has.”

Leon sighed. “Goodnight.”

“Night night,” the redhead said with a bit of a laugh.

Leon stepped lightly as he reentered the bedroom. The only thing to be heard was the soft plinking of piano keys coming from Cloud’s tablet. The Carrier went around to the blonde’s side of the bed and peered at his face. It had been many years since he had seen his Charge so peaceful. Even when he happened to sleep before then, Cloud had a perpetual tense line in his brow that let Leon know that it would be a fitful night. It would only be a matter of time before the blonde’s eyes popped open again. But that night was different. So different, in fact, that Leon found himself just wanting to sit and watch to make sure the peace was real. He could feel himself relaxing some, relief washing over him. Though he felt better, he knew he couldn’t rest on his laurels. That evening needed to be replicated in order for it to be considered a solution. But, for the moment, he knew they could rest easy that night.

 _This is nice,_ Leon thought to himself as he made his way over to his side of the bed.

\--------------

The next morning was a strange phenomenon that Cloud hadn’t experienced for many years. He woke up gradually to light music playing in his ear and clear sunlight on his face. Granted, the light ebbed and flowed as it fought through the wavy glass of the dome covering the city, but it was still bright and warm. The point was that Cloud registered the music and sun on his face before his mind had a chance to swirl down the drain into its pit of self hatred. He didn’t automatically hate being awake, and other than the normal wake up delirium, he didn’t feel like he could roll over again and sleep for another month. He felt _good_. Part of him wondered when the other shoe would drop and he would discover that it was a just a dream.

He pushed himself up slowly and took a deep breath. Everything in the room was as it had been before he fell asleep. The walls weren’t threatening to cave in, or fluctuating in color or texture, and the floor wasn’t water. It was all so normal that it seemed like his brain was trying to find new ways to trick him and the ultimate ‘fuck you’ it came up with was letting him believe everything was okay. He looked over and saw Leon sleeping soundly, and that’s when he realized he wasn’t being delusional. Whenever his sleeping mind drifted off into a nightmare, Leon was never alright. His Carrier was almost always constantly screaming in agony in some fashion or just completely absent. To see him as he should’ve been – sleeping and peaceful – was not only a nice change, but a firm piece of reality he could hang on to.

But once he got over that initial thought, he discovered he was still stuck. He could go about the normal morning routine and get ready for the day, but after that, he didn’t have much he could do. Leon was supposed to stay with him at all times, so breakfast wasn’t an option unless Cloud was willing to wake the Carrier up. He didn’t want to. It seemed too cruel. A couple of waffles and some fruit weren’t worth torturing the brunette with yet another day spent half asleep. Leon tried his hardest to keep his demeanor placid and neutral, but Cloud could see the fatigue hanging from his eyes very clearly. His Carrier never complained about it, but Cloud held himself accountable for disrupting Leon’s sleep every night.

Once showered and dry, Cloud took back his seat on the bed. Clad only in his underwear with his towel draped over his head and down his shoulders, he pulled his tablet into his lap and started poking at it. He kept the music playing in the background as he flipped through his homework assignments to see if there was something he could do without Leon’s help. As he was doing that, he eventually noticed the time. It was past lunch time. He had slept for almost fourteen hours. Somewhat shocked, he blinked at the time with a bit of a frown. The day had been wasted. Leon probably wouldn’t be happy about it either.

 _I wonder how long he’s been out,_ Cloud thought to himself, watching his Carrier sleep for a moment. Leon hadn’t moved from his spot, and if the blonde couldn’t see the way his torso rose and fell with his breathing, he would’ve assumed the brunette had died. He considered waking him just so they might be able to salvage some time to get anything done that needed to be, but he decided against it. So he settled in with his schoolwork for the time being.

After about an hour of time to himself, there was a knock on the door. Cloud gently shuffled out of bed so he didn’t disturb Leon and went to find a pair of shorts. Once mostly decent, he went to answer it. Joshua blinked at him with surprise on his face. He hadn’t expected the blonde to be the one to answer, let alone answer half dressed. Cloud raised an eyebrow at him after the Carrier hesitated to say anything.

“Need something?” the Charge asked quietly. Joshua caught the hint and kept his voice low as well.

“Is Leon with you?” he asked.

“Sort of,” Cloud answered, nudging the door open wider so the Carrier could see his brunette counterpart sleeping.

“Why is he asleep so late in the day?”

“Because he’s tired?”

“You’re sure he’s feeling alright? He never sleeps like this. He’s always up early.”

Cloud shrugged. “He’s been sleeping whenever he can. He doesn’t get very much of it at night.”

“Really?” Joshua questioned confusedly. He furrowed his brows together.

“It’s mostly my fault. The last couple weeks haven’t been the best. He apparently needed to catch up.”

“Hm.”

“Should I be worried?”

“I don’t think so,” Joshua said, stepping into the room. He went to Leon’s side of the bed and leaned over his friend to watch his face for a moment. Once satisfied with the tranquility he saw, as opposed to the anxious wrinkle in Leon’s brow he had gotten used to seeing, he stood straight again and looked to Cloud.

“Everything okay?” the Charge questioned.

“Yeah. Neku and I spent quite a few nights with him and I always got worried when he slept for long periods of time because he never looked like he was very well rested when he woke up. But he’d also look like he was frowning whenever he slept so I’m sure the stress was keeping the restful kind of sleep away from him somewhat. He looks okay now, which is an improvement.”

“Oh. I hadn’t noticed that.”

“I didn’t expect you to,” Joshua said flatly. He stuck his hand in his pocket and produced a candle; the same kind of candle Tifa had shown Cloud the day before. The wick hadn’t been lit. The Carrier set it on the side table next to Leon.

“You have those too? Is there some sort of underground candle distribution ring I’m unaware of?”

“No. Leon was running some experiments and he asked if I would test this thing for him. Has he told you about them?”

“Tifa has. Sort of.”

“Ah, yes, I remember Leon saying something about her and Zack trying them as well. Apparently their results were… rather bombastic. This one supposedly has half the normal concentration of the oil he was testing and he wanted to see if it was a more subtle effect. But Neku and I talked and… decided it wasn’t for us,” Joshua said, his cheeks turning a bit pink.

“Not a fan of substance abuse in the bedroom?”

“No, it wasn’t like that, it just… this is hard to say,” Joshua mumbled. He cleared his throat. “Neku and I weren’t really involved like the majority of everyone here is. And I was going to test this for Leon to see if there was something there that could develop more or if it was just a lost cause. Bringing it up helped start the conversation Neku and I needed to have years ago. So, it’s worked out without needing to test anything, which is unfortunate for Leon, but I feel better.”

“I’ll be sure to let him know,” Cloud said.

“Thank you,” Joshua said. He glanced over Leon one more time before heading for the door. He stopped once just outside and turned to Cloud again. “I also wanted to thank you for keeping things somewhat peaceful. Or at least peaceful enough that I haven’t heard of any catastrophes after the initial stunt you pulled when you first came back. There were a lot of ways you could’ve handled your homecoming and I appreciate you keeping the harm away from Leon at the very least.”

“No problem? I think?”

Joshua shrugged. “Whether or not you agree doesn’t really matter to me so long as things stay quiet and he’s happy enough. I’m just letting you know that your lack of abuse and poor attitude hasn’t gone unnoticed by everyone else here. I hope things continue to improve.”

“I hope so too.”

“Good,” Joshua said. He took a deep breath. “If you need anything, feel free to ask. I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing.”

“Okay. See you later,” Cloud said. The Carrier waved quietly as he left and the Charge watched him head down the hall until Joshua rounded the corner and couldn’t be seen anymore. He closed the door gently and went to return to his spot on the bed.

“That was an odd conversation to wake up to,” Leon said. The blond nearly leapt out of his skin.

“Gah! The fuck are you doing awake?!” Cloud barked crankily, whipping around to see his Carrier sitting up against his pillows with his hands folded on his stomach.

“It’s hard to sleep when there are conversations happening.”

“Right… sorry.”

“I’m not upset. Judging by how high the sun is, I can tell it’s well into the afternoon. You should’ve woke me up hours ago.”

“I considered it, but you were basically sleeping like the dead and I decided it would be mean to pull you out of it. You obviously needed it.”

“I see. Thank you for the consideration, but now I’m at a loss as to what to do for the day. It’s mostly over.”

“I was just doing homework stuff,” Cloud said, taking his seat again and pulling his tablet up.

“Thrilling.”

“Eh, it’s not so bad,” the blonde shrugged. He motioned over to the side table where Joshua’s candle sat and Leon glanced at it. “Joshua brought that back and basically said ‘thanks but no thanks, we figured it out.’ More or less.”

“Ah. Okay. I saw that and was sort of curious.”

“Tifa had one too. She explained what it was.”

“Did she? That saves me some effort, I suppose.”

“Joshua made it seem like his was tamer. Is it supposed to serve the same purpose as Tifa’s?”

“I wanted to see if it would, but the hope was that it wouldn’t be as intense. Instead of abrupt bursts of sexual urgency I was hoping for more of an… atmospheric thing,” Leon explained awkwardly, giving his Charge a sideways glance.

“Atmospheric thing.”

“Are you aware of the term ‘aphrodisiac’?”

“Yeah.”

“That was what I was looking for. Not an auto-boner followed by rampant fucking button. Same idea, but less boisterous,” the brunette said.

“What purpose would these serve? Were you planning on doing something with them?” Cloud asked.

“Not particularly. I just wanted to see. It was just sort of a hobby while you were gone. If something good came from it, then great, but if not, then it wouldn’t be a big deal,” Leon said, rolling onto his stomach and hugging a pillow to his face. His Charge watched him carefully for a moment, then glanced at the candle, and then back to Leon again.

“Are you going to try and pawn the experiment off on someone else since Joshua wasn’t willing?”

“Probably not. My circle of friends who I’d approach about that sort of thing is very small.”

“Ah. I see. I suppose that’d be strange if you just went up to someone and was like ‘hey, try my sex candle.’”

“It would be, yes.”

“Does it smell like anything?”

“Not really. A bit flowery, but nothing overbearing.”

“Hm,” the Charge hummed thoughtfully.

“The amount of interest you’re taking in this is sort of troubling, I will admit,” Leon said. He shifted to lying on his side and watched the blonde with suspicious eyes. “In light of our conversations in the recent past, I feel I have to urge you to stop thinking about whatever you’re thinking about. Pretend you never heard anything.”

“But I’m sort of curious…”

“No,” the Carrier said flatly.

“Okay,” Cloud said with a bit of a pout.

“If we’re going to do this, you need to do it on your own.”

“Right… yeah.”


	99. Chapter 99

Chapter 99

“So have you made out and licked his asshole yet?” Zack asked shamelessly and with a smile. Cloud’s attention whipped to him with a horrified look.

“What? No!” the blonde exclaimed. “Why do you say shit like that to me?”

“Because I was curious? If you can’t even talk about it, how can you expect to actually do it?”

“I have no idea! But don’t randomly bring stuff like that up in public, jackass!” Cloud said, punching his companion’s shoulder. Zack laughed.

Leon was busy for the day. He had requested some time to himself and for an opportunity to talk with Sunny. So the Carrier had asked Zack to escort his cranky blonde counterpart to Cid’s shop. The older gentleman had called and officially offered Cloud a job. The younger Charge was very pleased with the development and relished the opportunity to get out of the facility for a while. Sitting around and doing schoolwork was good for his development, he could agree, but he couldn’t sit still for long periods like Leon could. His Carrier could lounge around for the entire day and be completely satisfied with that. Cloud was too active, though, and got antsy easily.

“Okay okay okay,” Zack said, his laughter diminishing to a light chuckle under his breath. He had mixed feelings about spending extended periods of time with Cloud. And similarly, the blonde wasn’t very comfortable with it either. “So tell me why you’re doing this? Do you need money for something?”

“I don’t really care about the money. I just need something to do besides studying and sleeping.”

“So you’re going to go to this place and… what? Be a cashier?”

“No. It’s a repair place for cars and whatever. Cid liked how much I knew about them and bikes and told me to work for him. I assume that’s what I’m going to be doing. But even if it’s not, I don’t really care. It’s outside the facility and away from the lab.”

“Do you not like being there? Is something wrong?”

“No, I’m just… not that boring, I guess? I can’t just sit all day every day. I need to be doing something for part of it at least.”

“Have you ever considered going to the gym or something? The only reason I ask is because I’m concerned about you getting distracted with this job thing and forgetting the real reason you’re here,” Zack said.

“I’m not going to. It’s only a couple days a week, and it’s just Cid otherwise so it’s not like the store is open for hours and hours every day. He closes up at three.”

“Well, so long as you still get your things done that need to be done, that should be okay.”

“I will,” Cloud promised.

“Good. I hope so.”

“You said there’s a gym? Where?”

“Not at the facility. It’s in town. A membership isn’t very expensive and it’s nice to keep the ‘I sit on my ass all day’ fat at bay and keep the muscles fresh. I go every other day.”

“The only gym I’ve ever been to was the one on base back home.”

“It’s the same idea. Just less ‘lift these weapons until your arms almost fall off’ and more like ‘here’s forty treadmills, have fun with that.’”

“That sounds a lot better. Treadmills are good.”

“I think so too.”

“Let me know when you’re going next and I can… maybe join you? Would that be okay?” Cloud asked sheepishly. He really did want to go, but he was also very aware of how he was just foisting his company off on Zack. He wasn’t entirely sure where they stood with one another. It seemed like the older Charge was just tolerating his presence.

Zack shrugged. “Yeah sure. So long as you’re okay showering with a bunch of other dudes and weird conversations.”

“I spent almost a year in prison. Also spent… some amount of time on a military base.”

“Ah, right. I forgot about those details. But even still, you’d be doing this voluntarily. It’s a different dynamic than being around a bunch of other guys that are just as miserable as you are.”

“I’ll get over it,” Cloud reassured.

“Okay. I’ll let you know, then.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it.”

When they entered Cid’s shop, the store was void of people, as it usually was. However, the door to Cid’s home was open and the pair could hear idle chatter for a brief moment before it stopped when the bell above the door rang. Cid emerged from the back a moment later, a gray cooking apron tied in place over his front. His expression lit up when he saw them and he presented them both with a wide smile.

“Welcome back, Cloud! And hello another friend!” the man said happily.

“Hey,” Zack said, giving the other man a brief wave. “I’m Zack. I’m taking Leon’s place for the day.”

“Judging by your normal clothing, I assume you’re not a Carrier? Or at least, you’re a more daring Carrier than Leon is?” Cid asked.

“Nah, I’m a Charge.”

“Leon isn’t very daring, is he?” Cloud asked rhetorically, giving the idea some thought. He hadn’t considered it very much before, but he could agree that his Carrier didn’t rock the legal boat very often like Zack and Tifa did. It was an interesting trait to remember, he decided.

“He’s just cautious,” Zack said. “He doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you, which is a very real possibility if he pushes the envelope too much.”

“Indeed,” Cid agreed. “At any rate, come on back and have some breakfast with us.”

“Us?” Cloud asked. He and Zack started following the shop owner as he headed back into his home.

Sitting at Cid’s small dining table was an older man with wild fine platinum white hair, pale skin, rosy cheeks, and a wide nose that held up a pair of silver framed pince-nez reading glasses. There was a tablet in front of him on the table’s surface that Cloud presumed was his. To the Charge, the man seemed polite as he stood from his seat to shake the pair’s hands in greeting. They all sat afterwards, leaving only one free chair for when Cid was ready to join them.

“Ducky, this is Cloud and Zack. Cloud’s the new hire I was telling you about,” the shop owner said, motioning to either Charge in turn. “Guys, this is Dagobert Duck; my accountant. I just call him Ducky.”

“Ducky is fine,” the man agreed, his voice somewhat sharp and commanding. The tone didn’t really fit the lightheartedness of the name. He took up his tablet and scrolled through the day’s news feed. “Cid and I were just discussing the sorry state this city is in and whether or not it’s a good idea to even do business here anymore.”

“Sorry state?” Cloud questioned. Zack gave the accountant a curious look as well.

“Are you blind?” Ducky asked, giving the blonde a scrutinizing stare from over the rims of his glasses.

“Aw, don’t be so harsh. You know how out of the loop these kids are up on that hilltop sanctuary they live in,” Cid chastised.

“Well, I mean, I know it’s not exactly a utopia, but I hadn’t heard anyone call it _sorry_ before,” Cloud said.

“I’ve heard ‘shithole’ more often,” Zack chimed.

“Shithole works as well,” Ducky agreed. “There was an article in the news feed today that lists the poverty rate of this done to be in the high seventies. Homelessness is at twenty-seven percent and climbing. Unemployment is at forty-three. I’m surprised we can even function anymore.”

Zack’s eyes grew wide. “Wow, really? I didn’t think it was _that_ bad.”

“Oh, it is. Why Cid insisted on reopening his business after the fire I’ll never understand,” Ducky sighed.

“Fire?” Cloud questioned, looking to Cid. The man had parked himself in his tiny kitchen where he was busy chopping up bananas next to a bowl of batter. The older blonde gave the curious Charge a bit of a smile and nodded.

“Yeah. My first shop was burned during the riots several years ago. Hence why my sign says ‘grand reopening,’” Cid explained.

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. Water under the bridge. How many pancakes do you want? I have banana, strawberry, blueberry, and if you’re really boring, plain,” the older blonde asked.

“I already had breakfast, thanks,” Zack said politely.

“I’m very tempted,” Cloud admitted. He had already had breakfast as well, but he wasn’t the sort of person to turn down food when it was presented to him. However, he could see Zack’s judgmental look out of the corner of his eye; the other Charge was aware he had already eaten.

“One of each, then,” Cid volunteered with a short laugh. “Ducky did you want to be adventurous or are you going to stick with the usual plain three-stack?” he asked.

“The usual,” Ducky said. His client sighed and went about clattering through his cupboards for a pan.

“Those statistics are just killing me,” Zack said, shaking his head with a furrowed brow, turning the conversation back to where it had been.

The accountant nodded. “It’s very upsetting, yes.”

“That poverty rate has to be inflated, though,” Cid interjected. “I mean, I’m technically below the poverty limit but I own a business, eat well, and have a lot to my name even though the credits I bring in don’t have enough zeros behind them for the government’s liking. I can only imagine how many people are in the same boat after all the bullshit this city has been through. We’re not living in mansions by any stretch of the imagination, but we’re not hurting too bad, either. The homelessness situation is much more concerning in my head.”

“That one I am aware of,” Cloud said, recalling the dozens of times he had seen families living in the spaces between buildings.

“Right? It’s getting to the point where hospitals are trying to close their doors or get permission to turn people away because so many homeless people are trying to live there,” Cid said.

“Really? Why would they want to live in a hospital?”

“Because they’re one of the few places that’re government funded and full of food and places to sleep. Legally, they can’t turn anyone away when they come into the emergency room, so at the very least people can sleep in the waiting rooms and get a couple of snacks. But they don’t have insurance, so it gets very costly very quickly.”

“I don’t… understand what insurance is,” Cloud admitted quietly, glancing at Zack.

“You haven’t had to worry about it so I’m not surprised,” the other Charge said. “Insurance is where you have an outside source that helps you pay for stuff that’s really expensive in the event of an emergency or sudden need. That includes housing damages, vehicle problems, health issues, whatever it may be. Midgar had no restrictions on healthcare. Everyone could walk into a doctor’s office and be taken care of and the doctors were paid through taxes or taken care of by the military. Here it’s a bit different. Taxes pay for healthcare so long as you have a job. Or rather, a job the government deems is legitimate; so no drug dealers or hookers. Otherwise, you have to pay for whatever you need out of your own pocket.”

“The problem with that comes when we have an economic crisis like we’ve had for the last decade. People’s jobs disappear, and suddenly they have no help,” Cid continued. “Businesses get destroyed because of riots, people’s bosses die, or whatever, and then everyone involved is fucked. There are programs you can get into if you lose your job like that that’ll supplement you until you find another one, but if you can’t find one because the city is swirling down the shitter, you’re up the creek without a paddle so to speak.”

“And the problems are just… supposed to fix themselves?” Cloud asked. “Because it seems to me like the government here doesn’t give a damn and isn’t helping.”

“Well, stuff like this doesn’t happen very often. Way back in the day when there were multiple governments and countries, it was easier. The population was divvied up into smaller selections and the problems were easier to manage because of it. However, there were often even bigger problems between whole countries that went far beyond just healthcare or economics. The opposite of that scenario is what we have now. The huge stuff like wars and resource management and distribution problems are basically nonexistent, but that also means the whole world population has to be taken care of at once. So to combat that, the powers that be decided to make it so that each dome was supposed to be self-sufficient.

“The only things we’re supposed to depend on outside of our city are utilities and food. Inside, our taxes pay for schools, healthcare, and support programs. To supplement that, we’re supposed to work, create, industrialize, govern, and progress on our own merits. And for the most part, it works. Not very many people want to just sit around all day and do nothing; life gets really boring that way. But when something throws a wrench in the works, like a tainted food supply making thousands of people sick, it gets out of control really easily because we have no direct control over it. We can’t just stop taking in the food we’re given and we don’t have the land to cultivate ourselves, nor the facilities to make sure it’s safe to eat,” Cid explained as he went about taking ladles of batter out of the large bowl and neatly pouring it into his frying pan.

“That still doesn’t explain why it’s been ignored for so long,” Cloud said grumpily.

“You can only add up a hundred percent so many ways. If we’re using all of our resources all the time, we have to decide where to pull from one area to help another in the event of a crisis. When you have an entire world’s population to take care of, analyzing and making sure you don’t create a new problem in order to fix another takes a lot of time and effort. A decade may sound like a long time, but with how long people live these days, it’s basically nothing. Plus, the majority of the problems did fix themselves. People got better, and then they tried to pick up the pieces and continue on. We’re still in the ‘picking up’ part of our recovery, but the sad fact behind it is that too many people lost too much and have to just… wait it out until they get more help. Which will take more time,” the shop owner explained further.

“The only thing I blame the government for is poor communication. The rest was all done by the citizens,” Ducky said. “Had the people just reacted in a more civil manner, most of these bigger issues would’ve been avoided. More people died during the rioting than the ones that got sick.”

“Agreed,” Cid said, his tone somewhat bitter.

“I don’t blame them for reacting like they did. It doesn’t excuse them, but it’s understandable,” Zack said.

“I agree with that. It sounds like they weren’t left with many options,” Cloud replied.

“Did either of you lose anyone during that time?” Cid asked.

“No. Cloud wasn’t home yet and none of the violence harmed any Carriers or Charges,” Zack answered.

“Then I don’t expect either of you to understand. Ducky lost his grandbaby and I lost my wife because of people’s selfishness,” the older blonde said, shoving a spatula under the partially cooked batter circles. He flipped the pancakes over easily.

“You had a wife?” Cloud asked.

Cid motioned to the photographs in his living room. “Yeah. I did. The fire took her. Almost got me, too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Like I said: water under the bridge. Don’t worry about it.”

“I… okay,” Cloud mumbled. He wanted to ask how Cid could so (seemingly) easily integrate himself back into normal life. To Cloud, marriage was a big deal. It implied a very strong bond that wasn’t meant to be broken. It happened so rarely back in Midgar that it seemed almost fictitious. The idea that Cid might’ve been unhappy with his wife and was okay with her dying didn’t cross his mind, so in his head, just the fact they were married elevated the woman’s importance in the older man’s life to near heavenly levels. How Cid could be so casual about losing someone so significant blew his mind. He wanted to know how to do that; to let go. Fortunately, Zack was more than willing to ask the questions he was too afraid to.

“Forgive me for saying so, but you seem awfully aloof to losing so much,” the older Charge said.

“Do you really want to see an old man cry? Because I can,” Cid said, turning to Zack with a bit of a glare and a hand on his hip.

“No, your response just seemed really strange. ‘Water under the bridge’ isn’t what I would apply to such a situation.”

“There’s a reason it’s been so long since I’ve been able to reopen my doors. It took a long while to get my head screwed back on.”

“Fair enough. I was just curious. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Cid sighed as he turned back to his pan.

\---------------

“I regret calling you in,” Leon said, his words partially muffled by his arms. He had them folded in front of himself on the exam table with his face resting against them. Sunny was sitting across from him, as patient as always. She gave him a curious look with a raised brow.

“Why’s that?” she asked.

“Because we’re going to talk about stuff I don’t want to talk about.”

“Ah, I see,” Sunny said with a soft smile. She settled her elbow on the table and her chin in her palm. “I’m afraid I must insist, if that’s the case. What’s troubling you?”

“Cloud… wants to get more involved,” Leon mumbled, keeping his eyes focused on the tabletop.

Confused, Sunny’s eyes widened. “Really? I’m… very surprised by that. Is that something you want to do?”

“I’m tired of being alone. But this scares the shit out of me.”

“Very understandable. Honestly, I’m surprised you’re even entertaining the idea. Other than the obvious, though, is there anything else that specifically scares you about it?”

“The biggest problem I have is that I can’t imagine he’d… be willing to be… you know, on the receiving end. I guess that’s related to the obvious,” Leon said, his cheeks turning pink.

“Have you asked him about that?” Sunny questioned, mimicking the Carrier’s position. She scooted her seat around until she was in his line of sight and settled her face against her arms as well. Her long auburn curls spread over the table and dropped over the edge.

“Not that specifically, no. I hope he’s not going to try and jump into it that quickly, but it still has me really worried. I didn’t… I didn’t… do that with my last relationship. In fact, he made sure we didn’t specifically because he knew what happened. He claimed it was his preference but I find it hard to believe that’s all he liked.”

“He sounds very considerate. Do you think Cloud has the capacity to be the same?”

“I want to believe he does, but…”

“But you don’t actually think so?”

Leon sighed and buried his eyes against his arm, skewing his view from the woman’s prying gaze. “Not so much. It’s really really _really_ hard to just ignore history.”

“Okay, well, let me ask you this: is he forcing you into doing this? Either through guilt or something else?”

“No.”

“Do you genuinely want to do this?”

“…Sort of.”

“Leon, you can’t do that. You can’t do it to yourself and you can’t do that to Cloud. Either you want it or you don’t. It’s not fair to him to let him believe he’s wanted until you figure it out.”

“I know.”

“Even if you think you have time to consider it, I wouldn’t let yourself dwell. All it does is prolong a painful situation and put more stress on your shoulders. Do you remember what we went over before you took Cloud home from the hospital?”

“You told me not make more work for myself.”

“That’s right. You need to have a clear path to whatever it is you’re going to start for yourself, otherwise you’re leaving doors open for more problems. And that ultimately leads to…”

“Blaming myself.”

“Right. Don’t give yourself that opportunity. It’s much easier said than done, but you need to start somewhere,” Sunny said. She scooted closer to him and leaned against his side to emphasize her point since Leon wasn’t looking at her directly. “You’re at a crossroads in your life where you have the option to rebuild, or start something new. You could go back to what you were doing before and distance yourself from him and do the work yourself without his support. Or, you could work with him, and maybe forge something better. Together. Do you trust him?”

“…Not really.”

“And therein lays the problem. For the record, I don’t blame you in the least. I can sympathize with you even if I can’t relate very well. Has he done something since he’s been home that makes you not trust him?”

“No. It’s just… history. Again.”

“And like I said: I don’t blame you. But, at some point, history has to stay history. If you’re not ready to do that, it’s completely understandable and I don’t think anyone would be angry at you for it. But, you need to tell Cloud that. Don’t let him think he’s wanted when he isn’t,” Sunny repeated.

“I don’t feel like I can say that to him. He really feels like this will fix something. And… part of me does want to try, but I don’t know if I really want it or if I’m just desperate to not be alone. I hate it so much.”

“I know,” Sunny acknowledged. She draped an arm over his shoulders and gave him a brief hug before rubbing his back. Leon sniffled loudly as his eyes started to drip against his will. He sat up a bit and squashed his palms into his tears and mashed them away as he pulled down on his cheeks.

“I miss Zell,” he muttered, the phrase forcing more moisture to threaten to leak free and fall down his face. “Cloud can’t replace him. And I can’t replace Aerith. I don’t know how this is going to work. Reno says that it’s never going to feel the same for either of us, and that every relationship is different. I agree with him. But, what happens when different isn’t what works?”

“First of all, you can’t expect your relationship with Cloud to be a replacement for anything. Because it won’t be. Reno is right: every relationship is different. Every person is different. You can’t have the exact same dynamic with Cloud that you had with Zell. But secondly, Cloud doesn’t need to be a replacement. The part of your life that Zell occupied closed when you left the other plane and came home. It didn’t vaporize and lose its significance; you just had to say goodbye. Now, you have an opportunity to open a new chapter. And as much as you like to think you can, you can’t see into the future and know what it’s going to be like, Leon. You won’t have an exact carbon copy of what you had before, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be similar, or it can’t be better. In fact, I can guarantee it’ll be better in at least one area.”

“What’s that?” Leon asked, pulling up the bottom half of his shirt to dry his face.

“You don’t have to give it up. Unless you want to, that is. If it turns out that Cloud is a horrendous lay and you’d rather not bother, that’s up to you,” Sunny said with a bit of a shrug.

Leon let out a weak laugh under his breath. “That’s true.”

“Do you feel like you’re in danger still?”

“Sometimes.”

“Because he’s given you reason to feel like that or because of history again?”

“History.”

“I think you should tell him that. I don’t think he’s oblivious to it, but acknowledging it as an obstacle and forcing you both to confront it head on is probably the quickest way to start finding a solution. Hinting at it and hoping he’s perceptive enough to pick up on it is, again, just prolonging a painful situation. It doesn’t help either of you.”

“Yeah…”

“What part feels the most dangerous?”

“What do you mean?”

“Physically. Is the sex the scariest part or are the other parts just as bad?”

“Sex is the only part I really thought about. And it’s terrifying.”

“Okay, so consider the rest of it for a minute. Think of the process. Generally speaking, most people start with kissing, touching, heavy petting, undressing, holding each other, foreplay, and the sex comes last. At what point in the process does it start to feel scary? Not uncomfortable, but actually frightening.”

Leon took a moment to think. It was very difficult for him to imagine Cloud doing any of those things with him, and once he internalized that, he changed thought processes. There were points in his relationship with Zell that were scary, and he tried to take those few instances and apply them to what he felt around Cloud. Being around his Charge made him uncomfortable sometimes, but not truly _scared_ like he would eventually stop functioning if prolonged enough. He could touch Cloud well enough, he supposed; petting him to sleep every night helped facilitate that. And he had hugged his Charge on several occasions even if those moments were mostly filled with tears or when he thought Cloud was dying; kissing too, though they were platonic protective moves on the top of Cloud’s head. He eventually landed on the one major instance where he was legitimately scared around Zell and hadn’t experienced a similar situation with Cloud.

“Undressing,” the Carrier mumbled. He slid his arms off the exam table and hugged himself before settling his cheek against the surface. Sunny did the same and laid her face against the tabletop in front of his.

“Okay. Why?”

“Do you really have to ask?”

“Yes. We’re trying to dissect the problem and analyze it objectively,” she said.

Leon sighed. “Okay…” he trailed, trying to think through all the reasons he had cooked up for himself. “I was hurt back in Balamb way before I left to find Cloud and… my front is pretty beat up. I have a lot of scars. It’s not very pretty.”

“Does Cloud know that?”

“Yeah. He didn’t believe me when I told him what a Carrier is and can do and… he tried to force me to change for him,” Leon said, his eyes turning somewhat unfocused as he recalled the instance. “I couldn’t do it because I have to get undressed first and, you know, history happened before and I was too scared. I managed to take my shirt off but couldn’t go farther than that. He got angry and made some not-so-great comments about me and all the damage and pushed me around. So… I already know what he feels about them. I know he thinks I’m ugly. He’s not going to want to go any farther once he sees them again and remembers.”

“Is Cloud the same person he was when that happened? If he didn’t know what a Carrier is and does, I can only imagine how long ago this was.”

“It was a while ago. And no, he isn’t the same person. But I can’t imagine his preferences—“

“Hold on. The reason we’re having this discussion is because Cloud told you he’s going to try and change his preferences. So do you really think that he’s only going to change a couple of them and then decide to stop because of basic appearances? Your gender is a much bigger deal than some blemishes, Leon. If he’s willing to try and move past the biggest hurdle, what makes you think he can’t just step over the tiny ones? Do you think he’s that incompetent?”

“No…”

“Do you think he’ll go out of his way to hurt you again?”

“No…”

“Has he told you recently that he thinks you’re ugly?”

“No…”

“Then I think you can breathe a little easier about this. It doesn’t sound like you have any reason other than history to feel the way you do. Which, again, I don’t blame you. These are very legitimate feelings and I think they’re important. But if you’re willing to move forward, history has to stay history. And again, if you’re not ready, that’s totally reasonable. But you have to tell that to Cloud.”

“I know,” Leon sighed.

“Do you think you could tell him that this particular subject scares you?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“I think you should. As a general rule, I think you should be as open to him as you can stand. Help him understand everything you’re feeling and let him try to fix it. If whatever he does doesn’t help, then tell him right away, but I think his effort will help regardless. That’s assuming he actually tries, that is. If he continually blows you off and disregards how you feel, then this isn’t the sort of attention you need and you need to reconsider how much you want this from him. But, judging by what you’re telling me, I don’t think you believe he’d actually try and figure out a way to hurt you more. Even if he’s really bad at trying and confuses himself, I don’t think you think he’ll do more harm.

“History is really hard to ignore, but you’ve told me time and time again that you think he’s different now. If that’s really what you believe, I think you owe it to yourself to trust in what you think. Try to think of this as a do-over versus trying again. A do-over means the previous stuff didn’t count and never happened. Trying again means you’re aware of the faults and you’re going to try again and hope they don’t happen again. It’s harder to focus on a do-over because history is a really strong influence, but if you’re really serious about this, then this is the healthiest way to try and continue. Try your hardest to not let what you used to think make the decisions for you. Because, like you said, it’s different. It’s not fair to either of you to base all your beliefs on something that doesn’t exist anymore,” Sunny explained.

“Right…”

“But, and I can’t stress this enough even though I know I’ve said it a bunch: it’s okay if you’re not ready to do this. It’s asking for a lot of stress and effort on your part. But don’t try to stick one foot in and live between history and moving forward. It creates more problems and more work for yourself and you don’t need either of those things. Make a solid decision and stick with it until you’re ready to make another solid decision and move on to that one.”

“Okay.”

“So I’ll ask you again,” Sunny said, sitting up in her seat properly again. She reached over and tugged on Leon’s shoulders until he did the same and was focusing on her. He folded his hands in his lap. “Do you want to be alone?” she asked firmly.

“No.”

“Do you want a relationship with Cloud?”

“… Yes,” the brunette said hesitantly, anxiety sneaking down his spine as he did. He swallowed the nervousness and tried to focus on accepting his decision. After all, he had already made it and told Cloud it was okay to continue. If he didn’t want to go back on his word, then he had to accept what he did and move forward.

“Will you be open with him and tell him when there’s a problem?”

“Yes.”

“Even if the problem is him?”

“Yes.”

“Even if the problem is only crawling around in your head?”

“Yes.”

“Will you walk away if you feel like you’re in danger?”

“Yes.”

“If your children are in danger?”

“Yes. Definitely.”

“Will you defend yourself?”

“Yes.”

“Your children?”

“Absolutely.”

“Can you be patient with him?”

“Yes.”

“And try to listen to his side?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” Sunny said. She smiled. “Then I don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

\----------------

“You’re home later than I thought you’d be,” Leon said when Cloud appeared in the bedroom doorway. He had been busying himself with grading the blonde’s homework and reading the news between assignments. He leaned forward and waved to Zack, who was behind Cloud, and the other Charge replied with the same before leaving.

“I’m sorry to make you worry,” Cloud said.

“I wasn’t. You forget I have a beacon in my head that tells me when you die.”

“Ah, right. I did forget.”

Leon shrugged his indifference. “How was your first day?”

“It was interesting. I’m glad I agreed to take the job,” the Charge said, taking a seat at the foot of the bed so he could comfortably lean over and remove his boots.

“That’s good.”

“Cid is really knowledgeable, and is also a good cook.”

“Yeah? Did he make you dinner?”

“And lunch and breakfast. He fed Zack, too.”

“Breakfast? But we ate together before you left. Was it not enough?”

“No, it was. I… just like food,” Cloud said, clearing his throat. With his shoes off, he turned around and folded his legs under himself. Leon noticed that his Charge’s cheeks were a bit pink with embarrassment.

“Ah. I see. Did he make mention if that’ll become routine? Should you not eat here on work days?”

“I have no idea. He didn’t say one way or the other.”

“Okay. Probably shouldn’t make a habit of eating two breakfasts, though.”

“I don’t plan on it. If he does it again, I’ll ask if I should expect it. This might’ve been a one-off for all I know. His accountant was there when we got there and I think that the food was mostly because of that.”

“Accountant?”

“Yeah. Cid calls him Ducky. Because of his last name, I guess. He’s sort of a cranky guy, but not so bad. They’ve known each other for a while,” Cloud said.

“I see. Did Ducky stay with you all day too?” Leon asked. He set his Charge’s tablet aside and settled his hands in his lap properly, giving the blonde all his attention.

“He was around for a while, but not the whole day, no. He and Cid told us a bunch of stories from a billion years ago about the shop and Cid’s wife.”

“Cid has a wife?”

“Had. She’s gone. She was the lady in the pictures in his house.”

“Ah. Makes sense. Did they get divorced?”

“No. She passed away.”

“Oh shit. That’s way worse,” Leon said, his brows rising. “Did they mention how?”

“I guess someone busted through the first shop’s front window and lit the place on fire during the riots a while ago. Their property was a different building at the time, and their apartment was above the shop instead of behind it, so the smoke got to them both. I guess Cid had had the fire alarm replaced a couple months before that and the guys did a really shit job because it didn’t make any sound or turn the sprinklers on.”

“That’s awful.”

“Yeah. His wife wasn’t really the healthiest so she took more of a beating from the smoke inhalation than he did, though he was sick for a really long time after too. But he ended up suing the sprinkler company and that’s how he got the money to reopen his business. So there is that.”

“Silver linings, I suppose. It’s good that he managed to move past it and restart his life, though. I can’t imagine doing that,” Leon said.

“I’m jealous. I wish I knew how to do that; to let go and move on,” Cloud grumbled.

“I know that feeling,” the brunette agreed. They shared an awkward silence that was eventually broken when the Charge cleared his throat and continued.

“Anyway. How was Sunny? Did you figure out whatever you needed to figure out?” he asked.

“More or less, I think. And she was fine as far as I can tell. Same as she always is.”

“That’s good,” Cloud said. Another long pause trickled through the air between them. “Um… can I ask what you talked about? Or is that too personal?”

“Mostly us. You and me, I mean.”

“Is… that good?”

“I like to think it was. Before she and I talked I was still second guessing myself about whether or not I should really let you pursue something with me.”

“Before you talked? Does that mean you’re not second guessing anymore?”

“I… feel better about it, yes. Still nervous, but not afraid,” Leon said. He wrung his hands a bit with his anxiety.

Cloud was quiet for a moment. “I want to apologize but I feel like you’ll scold me if I do.”

“You are correct.”

“Okay. I won’t. But just know the idea of it is there.”

“You basically just apologized.”

“Yeah, I realize that,” the blonde sighed.

“Come here,” Leon encouraged, patting the bed next to him. Obviously skittish, the blonde suspiciously scooted across the covers to where he was instructed. Once there and settled, the Carrier leaned over and kissed his cheek. It was very brief, and the brunette’s fear and anxiety forced him to pull away quickly, but he did it. He kept his eyes on Cloud, waiting for the blonde to retaliate, but he didn’t.

“Um…” his Charge trailed, keeping his eyes down and glued to the blanket. He could feel heat and color crawling up his neck, and he desperately wished it wasn’t. His first instinct had been to pull away before Leon even got into his personal space, but he forced himself to stay still. With awkwardly stiff posture, he could barely form a coherent sentence.

Leon eventually remembered how to breathe and he took in a deep shaky breath before letting it out slowly and just as unevenly. When Cloud heard it, he was able to pull his attention off the bed and put it on his Carrier. It was obvious to him that the tiny kiss had taken a great deal of effort on the brunette’s part and the realization was sobering. He could feel the tension starting to leave his shoulders somewhat even if the color and latent embarrassment didn’t. A kiss on the cheek wasn’t a big deal, he told himself, though his baser instincts told him otherwise. He continued mentally arguing with himself over whether or not he should be bothered by the gesture, all while watching Leon try to battle his own demons.

“I’m trying very hard to keep history in the past where it belongs,” Leon murmured softly. He took another deep breath before looking at Cloud again. “If you’re really serious about doing this, I need your help; I need you to do the same. Take all the history and just… push it aside so we can move forward together. Will you help me do that?”

“Yeah,” Cloud said gently with a tiny nod.

“Thank you,” the Carrier said, looking down at the comforter again. Despite the bravery behind his words and his actions, he was still struggling. His posture sagged, his features looked extremely worried, and his fingers were trembling. Cloud frowned.

“I’m… do you—“ the blonde fumbled. He stopped trying to speak, cleared his suddenly tight throat, and tried again. “You look like you need a hug,” he blurted.

Leon glanced at him quickly before quietly nodding a little.

“…Can I?” Cloud questioned, moving around to face his Carrier. Leon looked him over for a second before nodding again.

Moving closer, the blonde held his arms open. Leon closed the gap between them and gracelessly leaned himself against his Charge’s chest with only his temple and shoulder touching Cloud. It was a very uncomfortable and strange position because he was trying to test the limits of his psyche before forcing himself into the deep end of his paranoia. It took him a moment, but after short delay, he pieced reality together again and understood that the world wasn’t ending and Cloud wasn’t trying to hurt him. Once that sunk in, he was able to move in closer and invade the blonde’s lap in order to hug him properly. It was much more contact than Cloud had anticipated, and his brain immediately fired on all cylinders telling him to shove his Carrier away. But he could feel Leon’s shoulders quivering, and as a result, he managed to stop himself.

Leon tensed again as Cloud settled his hands around his waist. Guilt nudged its way into the blonde’s crowded head, and he tightened his hold on his Carrier in an effort to squeeze to fear from him. Apologies reeled through his thoughts, but he kept them to himself and tried to push them away. They didn’t go anywhere, but they eventually quieted as Leon let out the deep breath he had been holding and relaxed against him. It was a relief to them both. They stayed together for several minutes.

Leon pulled back first, his eyes staying focused on his Charge’s collarbones. “I should probably shower and get ready for bed,” he mumbled.

“Okay,” Cloud said, letting him go.


	100. Chapter 100

Chapter 100

Leon was struggling. Several weeks had passed since he had made the first quarter of a step forward with Cloud, and he had been constantly thinking ever since. His anxiety was running rampant, which led to losing sleep and eating less. Every time he did eat, it was debatable whether or not he would get a stomach ache. He didn’t tell anyone. Not Cloud, not Sunny, not Reno. He knew he should’ve, but he was worried about the stress he would put everyone through. Especially Cloud. He didn’t want the blonde to realize just how difficult it was for him to keep history in the past where it belonged.

He was mostly concerned about his appearance and going further with his Charge. Cloud didn’t seem too concerned about rushing into things, and in some ways, that was part of the problem. The more time they took, the longer Leon stewed in his own head. Failure was weighing on his shoulders. He had promised Sunny so much progress and was going back on just about everything they had talked about. He wanted help, for someone to anchor him, but he was too ashamed. It eventually got to the point that getting out of bed every day was an act that almost moved him to tears.

Cloud noticed the problem once Leon didn’t seem to leave the bedroom if he wasn’t there with him. The Charge would leave to work at Cid’s shop or go to the gym with Zack and come back and his Carrier would still be in the bed. If he stayed home, Leon would sluggishly move around the lab and work on a few things, but there were more than a few times where Cloud would catch him just sitting and staring at nothing until he said something. He discussed his concern with Zack, but neither of them knew what to do. Every time they asked Leon if he was okay, the Carrier would assure them that he was. He was just tired, and they shouldn’t worry. Cloud wasn’t convinced. He eventually called Sunny himself.

“How do I get him to talk to me?” the blonde asked; his voice barely above a whisper as he affixed his earpiece to his ear. He had taken his tablet into the terminal room and squashed himself into a corner to keep his conversation as private as possible. He couldn’t leave the room by himself yet, and he wasn’t sure if Leon was really asleep.

“Have you tried just asking him?” the woman questioned. She was surprised, pleasantly so, that Cloud had called her. It told her good things about how attentive he was even if it had taken him a while to notice the problem. The fact that he even bothered to care was progress in her eyes.

“I did. He avoids the question or tells me he’s tired. But, he doesn’t eat very much anymore and he doesn’t get out of bed if I’m not here.”

“Did you want me to intervene or did you want to try and handle this yourself?”

“I have no idea. I’ve never dealt with this kind of thing before. I knew he wasn’t very active, but I didn’t think it was a problem until now.”

“He’s depressed, Cloud. It’s just something that happens.”

“Is… is he like that because of me?”

“Well, if we’re generalizing, your past actions most certainly didn’t help him. But right now? I don’t know. He hasn’t talked to me for a couple months now. It’s entirely possible that nothing is wrong and his head is just doing it to him because that’s just what happens to people with this affliction.”

“What do I do?”

“That’s a difficult question to answer since I’m sort of out of the loop. It’s even more difficult because every instance of depression is different and can change quickly. Do you feel like he’s a danger to himself?”

“I don’t think so. But he needs to eat. He’s lost weight; so much so that it’s actually noticeable. So I mean… I don’t think he’s going to hang himself, but he can’t stay like this.”

“I agree. If he’s avoiding any sort of solution, you may need to get firmer with him until he tells you what he needs. Don’t force any fixes on him, but getting him to talk is the first step. If he wants you to stay with him, then do that. If he just wants to lie around and do nothing, then do it with him. If you do it and don’t notice any change, don’t get worried right away. Don’t try to insist that there’s something wrong with him that needs to be repaired. It might take a while, and sitting around with him might drag you down with him, but you can’t let it deter you. If you need to leave, have someone else stay with him and tell them exactly what you’re doing and insist that they don’t try to do anything more unless Leon asks them to.

“The unfortunate reality for a lot of people is that they just sort of get in these weird funks where they suddenly don’t feel like they can function normally. There isn’t much we can do about it, and they can last a long time. As outsiders looking in, all we can do is be patient, and help where it’s appropriate. We can’t impose our mindsets on them and hope for a positive result; it just doesn’t work that way. We have to wait for them to decide what they can deal with and help them with it. If we try to move them along too quickly, and they can’t keep up, more often than not it just feels like failure to them and that doesn’t help.”

“Okay…” Cloud said hesitantly. He wasn’t looking forward to dealing with any of Leon’s issues.

“It’s not going to be fun, and you will get frustrated. But if you’re serious about helping him, then this is the best advice I can give you without getting involved myself. If it gets to the point where you feel like he’s going to hurt himself or you feel like you’re at the end of your rope, call me and I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

“Okay,” the blonde said, taking a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll try.”

“Are you okay? Will you be alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just… I feel awful,” Cloud admitted, running a hand through his hair with furrowed brows. “He would’ve been so much happier if he just hadn’t bothered with me. But… that’s not important right now, I guess. I just hope I don’t push him over the edge.”

“Well, I’m just a phone call away if you feel like you’re not getting anywhere.”

“Okay. Thanks,” he said.

Sunny smiled and bid her goodbyes, leaving Cloud by himself with a headful of information he didn’t know what to do with. He stayed in the terminal room for a while, considering his options. He didn’t actually think that asking Leon was going to work. His Carrier obviously didn’t want to bother him with whatever he was struggling with, but then how was he supposed to get anywhere? After a while of consideration, he pieced together some logic. No matter what Leon was feeling, he always dropped whatever he was doing to help Cloud with something whenever he needed it. Even if Cloud didn’t actually ask, Leon always tried to help him. Maybe he could use that to his advantage at some point.

For the moment, Leon was asleep. Or at least he was pretending to be and was very good at it; Cloud couldn’t decide. The blonde reset up the playlist of music his Carrier had made for him and set his tablet back where it had been before he called Sunny. It had been a fight for him to stay awake while Leon went through the usual routine of petting him to sleep, but he wanted to talk to his Carrier’s therapist before he did anything. He was so afraid of doing more harm than good without meaning to. Even after talking to her, he wasn’t sure what he should do exactly, but at least he knew some of the things _not_ to do.

Settling in, he let his eyes adjust to the darkness in the room and used what little moonlight there was to watch Leon sleep for a few minutes. His Carrier looked so normal, it was hard to imagine him waking up tomorrow only to lie in the bed all day and wait for Cloud to come home. The blonde wondered if Cid would get angry if he didn’t come in for the day. He had never called off work before, so he wasn’t even sure if that was something he was allowed to do. He hoped it was, because that was his plan. Leon was worrying him too much for him to focus on work anyway.

\-----------------

Leon woke up the next morning to an odd sensation. Someone was in his personal space. Once he was able to peel his eyes open, he was presented with a head of wild yellowy-blonde hair that was practically crawling up his nose. It took him a moment to remember it was Cloud. His Charge was holding his hand, and had fallen asleep curled up next to him with his cheek resting against his own arm. The position and proximity was very strange, and the Carrier wondered briefly if he should be concerned. Regardless of whether or not there was a problem, though, was irrelevant right then. He couldn’t do anything while his Charge was asleep. So instead, he gently removed himself from Cloud and went to the bathroom.

When he came back, the blonde was awake and waiting for him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said.

“It’s okay, I was mostly awake anyway,” his Charge replied, rubbing an eye as he did so.

“Oh. Alright. You’re going to Cid’s today, yeah?”

“No. I called him an hour ago and told him I wasn’t.”

“Are you feeling okay?” the brunette asked, taking his place in bed again.

“Not really. I barely slept.”

“Oh. Nightmares?”

“No. Worrying.”

“What about?”

“You.”

“Me?” Leon questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Right.”

“Why? I’m okay.”

“You say that but I’m not convinced you believe it.”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” the Carrier lied.

“Leon…” Cloud sighed. “Please stop trying to hide. I want to help you.”

“There’s nothing to help with.”

“So I can call Cid back and tell him I’ll come in?”

“If you want to, sure.”

“And you’ll walk me there and stay all day? Not make Zack do it?” Cloud persisted. Leon opened his mouth to answer and then closed it again. The amount of effort he felt like he would had to exert in order to leave the bedroom that day seemed monumental. He really didn’t want to, and just thinking about it made his chest hurt.

“I… I can, yeah,” he agreed begrudgingly.

“But you don’t want to.”

“I mean, if you had the opportunity to sit around and masturbate all day, wouldn’t you?” Leon attempted to joke. The blonde wasn’t amused, and the Carrier’s forced smile fell quickly.

“First of all, if that’s what you did all day, I find it very hard to believe you’d still take blood samples from yourself for the lab. Secondly, no. All day is too long. I’d start to chafe, and nobody needs that on their junk,” Cloud grumbled, scooting down under the covers more as he lay against the pillows again.

“I liked you better when you were an idiot,” the Carrier grumbled, his façade crumbling under the blonde’s perception.

“You only have yourself to blame for that.”

“Yeah I know. I have regrets,” Leon muttered. He followed his Charge’s lead and lay down again. Cloud was watching him carefully, and the piercing blue gaze made him uncomfortable. He hugged a pillow to his face in an attempt to hide.

“Please talk to me,” Cloud asked. His Carrier peeked at him from over a lump of cotton. The hurt passing through the blonde’s features was blatant. “You’re not feeling well; it’s really obvious. I don’t fully understand what I’m doing, but I want to help you through whatever it is you’re fighting.”

“Why?” Leon asked, furrowing his brows together.

“Because I’m trying really hard to keep history in the past like you asked me to,” his Charge said.

Cloud had asked himself what he would do for Aerith if she were in Leon’s place. There was a very long list of things he could easily come up with, but he had to go through and pick out the ones he wasn’t absolutely sure he could follow through with.  He didn’t feel like Leon was in a place where he could push the limits very well, and he had spent most of the night debating with himself over what was acceptable and what wasn’t. Pulling his hand up, he set it palm side up on the pillow next to Leon’s face. After a moment of consideration, his Carrier laid his hand in his.

“It’s… not something I can easily talk about,” Leon said.

“Well I assumed that, but that’s why I’m asking you to push yourself.”

“I know. I just…” the brunette sighed. “History is hard to ignore.”

“What did I do?”

“Nothing.”

“No, I mean in history. Which part?”

“… I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s stupid.”

“It obviously isn’t if it’s made you stop functioning for the last few weeks,” Cloud encouraged, pulling their hands closer to himself. He tucked them both under his chin and held them there. The pleading look he was giving Leon made the brunette’s heart ache.

“I’m… I’m just struggling with trying to understand what you see in… me,” the Carrier said hesitantly, not entirely sure if he was actually saying what he was feeling or just randomly grabbing at words that sounded okay. “If I ignore your guilt, I don’t have many reasons for you to be interested. And it’s sort of picking at me. You haven’t even tried to do anything more in forever and I’ve been sort of stewing in my head wondering what the problem was. And I decided it was myself. And then—”

“Leon.”

“… Yes?”

“I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Okay…”

“So I have no idea where to start.”

“Oh.”

“I didn’t realize it was that big of a problem. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“You also haven’t answered my question. What part of history is making you like this? It’s okay to say something.”

“I don’t even know if you’d remember.”

“Good point, but it also doesn’t help to assume I don’t. So go ahead.

“I… I don’t…”

“Please.”

Leon sighed and shifted his focus to the pillows, taking a quiet moment to gather his thoughts. “Do you remember the first time you tried to get me to change for you?”

“Um…” Cloud trailed, furrowing his brows together. He tried to exert as much mental pressure as he could stand in order to trudge through the memory swamp his past was trapped in. “Sort of? Was there water involved? I remember water.”

“We were near some, yes. It wasn’t involved, but it was there.”

“Okay… I remember feeling angry; but not much other than that.”

“Well…” Leon trailed with a bit of a frown. “That did happen. But, the bigger part of it was…” he attempted again but the words stopped in his throat. He cleared it before trying again. “You know how I have to get undressed to change, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I managed to get my shirt off but couldn’t get myself to go any farther in front of you,” the Carrier said hurriedly before he had a chance to scare himself out of it. “And you got angry and pushed me around and said some stuff to me and I feel like a child for letting it bother me this much,” Leon said, his words becoming more and more muffled as he gradually buried his face in his pillow with embarrassment. He tried to pull his hand back to himself, but Cloud kept his grip firm.

The Charge could sort of remember the instance, and he felt terrible. He didn’t even know what he had said or what he did, but he remembered forcing his Carrier into a puddle of tearful submissive goop at his feet. He had no idea how to rectify the problem, mostly because he couldn’t remember most of it, but also because he still didn’t understand how that instance translated to the present time. The whole idea, if he looked at it objectively, did seem a little childish, but whatever had happened had been traumatic enough to make Leon act the way he was, so he couldn’t brush it off. He needed more information.

“I still don’t get what part of that is affecting now. Help me understand,” he said, scooting a bit closer. He settled his forehead against Leon’s shoulder, hoping that turning his attention elsewhere and not looking him in the eye would be less intimidating. His Carrier sighed heavily, his jumbled thoughts gradually coming together.

“I have a lot of scars,” he muttered into the pillow. He turned his face to the side so he could speak properly again. “They’re not pretty. You let me know how ugly you thought they were with your sarcasm.”

“And… that’s what bothering you? That you think I think you’re ugly?”

“I said it was stupid, didn’t I?”

Cloud didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t attracted to Leon despite his efforts to move past it. Every time he thought about attempting to further their relationship, he was hit in the face with a brick wall of disinterest. He didn’t do it on purpose, and he felt bad every time it happened, but Leon really didn’t do much for him. In the back of his head, he was constantly trying to change his perceptions, but the reality was that Leon wasn’t giving him much reason to and he couldn’t force himself to change if he didn’t find something new to be interested in. Lying around in bed and moping wasn’t exactly a personality trait he could latch on to, and without personality, he only had Leon’s looks to go off of. But again, those weren’t his thing, so he was stuck. And confused.

 “It’s not stupid,” he said. Leon’s fingers were starting to shake and he squeezed them tighter. “Please believe me when I say I’m just an idiot and have no idea what I’m doing. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around any of this very well, so I haven’t had the brain capacity to consider the details yet. I don’t know what you want from me so I don’t know what to try. My inability to do anything hasn’t stemmed from appearances.”

“You’re sure?” the Carrier questioned.

“Yeah,” the blonde agreed, though he felt like it was a lie. He sincerely hoped that, at some point in the future, something clicked for him and he could feel more genuine about his promises. Right then, things were tentative at best. However, he really did want to make Leon feel better, so at least there was that.

“Okay,” Leon mumbled. He let out a shaky breath he wasn’t aware he had been holding.

The apprehension didn’t evaporate immediately, but at least the Carrier didn’t feel like the weight of the world was on his shoulders anymore. He attempted to pull his hand free, and Cloud let him. Turning onto his side, he slid his fingers behind Cloud’s head and pulled his Charge’s face to his chest, hugging him lightly. Startled, it took the blonde a moment to reason with himself and understand nothing strange was happening, but when he did, he relaxed a bit and draped his arm over Leon’s side. The brunette combed his fingers through the other’s hair gently.

“I have an idea,” Cloud said.

“What’s that?”

“How’s about you just… do whatever you want to me whenever you decide you’re ready to,” the blonde said. He pulled back from the petting that threatened to put him to sleep. “Because the biggest hurdle I’m trying to jump over is figuring out what to do without hurting you more. And, like I said, I have no idea what I’m doing, so I end up not doing anything. You tell me what you want and what you’re ready for. Or, just do it. And I’ll try my hardest to adjust. Is that okay?” he asked.

“That’s… volunteering a lot.”

“I know, but I constantly feel like my breathing near you is going to do something horrible to you so this is the best I can come up with.”

Leon laughed a bit under his breath. “Okay, so if I told you I want to have sex _right now_ you’d just drop your pants and bend over? I find that hard to believe.”

“I said I’d try. I also don’t believe you’re going to do that so the idea doesn’t scare me.”

“Well, you’re right, I’m not going to, but it’s really hard for me to imagine you’d be a willing participant overall.”

“I’d be willing to try. I’m not going to promise I’d be completely fine without any apprehension, but I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”

“It’s not, I agree. I’m just… having a hard time accepting it. It’s very surreal.”

“Yeah, it’s not really something I would’ve imagined saying ten years ago.”

“How about one year ago?”

“…That too,” Cloud said sheepishly.

Again, Leon laughed at him. “Well, if this is really what you want me to do, that’s fine. I’ll try not to over think it and get myself into a rut again. But I don’t want this to be absolute torture for you, either, so I have a request of my own.”

“Okay.”

“Tell me if there’s something I can change about my appearance that’ll help you. I have a lot of options that are really easy so there’s no reason why you should force yourself to accept everything at face value when I don’t give a damn what I look like.”

“That’s a really strange request.”

“You’re going to struggle with all of this regardless of what I do, so why make it harder?”

“I guess…”

“Do you have a preference of eye color?”

“Not really.”

“Hair color.”

“I like brunettes.”

“Weight?”

“I don’t like how thin you’ve gotten over the last couple of months. But that’s mostly in the context of you being upset and not eating.”

“Okay. Skin color?”

“I don’t care.”

“Body hair?”

Cloud hesitated and then gave him a squinty-eyed look. “How much body hair are we talking?”

“Probably more than what you have. And it’s brown, so it’s more noticeable.”

“Eh…”

“Not appealing?” Leon asked with a raised brow.

“… Not really.”

“Okay, I can get rid of it.”

“Why does that weird me out so much?”

“Which part? Me having body hair or me getting rid of it?”

“Both, really.”

“Well… did Aerith have a lot of hair?” Leon asked. Cloud furrowed his brows in thought.

“No. Barely any.”

“Then that’s probably why you have a preference. It’s what you’re used to. Also, the concept of me plugging myself into a computer and turning off my body hair is just a weird idea in of itself.”

“I guess.”

“No, it definitely is. It’s okay to say it,” the Carrier said with a tiny shrug.

“I keep forgetting you’re technically not human.”

“Aw, thanks.”

Cloud laughed. “That’s a compliment?”

“For me it is. I don’t like being different.”

“Really?” Cloud questioned, scooting back up to the pillows properly so they were lying face to face.

“Yeah. It’s not very fun being a Carrier. Most everyone else doesn’t care and can go out and play human, but I get too paranoid and it makes me not like trying. Plus, I don’t know very many Carriers that get dumpy and stay in the bed for weeks on end. So I’m different because of that, too.”

“Well if they did, you wouldn’t notice because they’re in their rooms and out of sight.”

“I suppose that’s true.”

“I’m sure there are at least a few,” Cloud said.

“Maybe.”

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t care that you’re a Carrier.”

“Even if you remember that I sometimes have to be a cat for a couple hours?”

“Yeah. I think its fun. I like seeing everyone be different stuff,” the blonde said with a nonchalant shrug.

“Really?”

“Should I not?”

“No… you can, I just… didn’t think it was a good thing. It’s weird. Humans don’t do that.”

“So? What’s so good about being human?”

“Other than being able to walk into a restaurant without being arrested for it and possibly killed?”

“Ignore the legal stuff for a minute. That’s not you being a Carrier. That’s society being a dickhead.”

“Okay… you can get medical care a lot easier than I can. I have extra parts that need to be taken into account if something happens.”

“Okay, but it’s still fixable, right? You can fix the same stuff on a Carrier that you can on a human, yeah? Whether or not it makes the doctor’s job harder isn’t your problem.”

“I guess…”

“It’s also a lot harder to hurt you in the first place. Or at least, hurt you in ways you’ll need a hospital for. If I slam my hand in a door and break all my bones, I could lose my hand. Yours wouldn’t break in the first place.”

“Yeah…”

“So… what else?”

“I can’t have children that have my hair, eye, or skin color.”

“…Really?”

“Yes. They’re determined by a computer, remember? Not my DNA.”

“Oh. Right.”

“In fact, it goes even beyond human children. All of our natural Totem offspring will have your eyes. All of our Carriers will have your genetics in them and yours will be the only ones that contribute a gene for eye color.”

“Huh…” Cloud said, furrowing his brows together.

“When they have human children, there is a fifty-fifty chance that their kids will have your eyes as well.”

“I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

“So, as a Carrier, there’re parts of myself that just don’t translate into the next generation.”

“But it works the same for humans, too. It’s not like people are born with two sets of eyes so they can represent both parents.”

“Yeah, but I don’t even get a chance. Even people with mostly recessive genes get chances.”

“And if you were human and all your children didn’t have those traits anyway? Are you going to get bummed out because they’re colored differently than you?”

“No, probably not, but—“

“Then what’s the problem? I get what you’re saying, but you’re making it sound like if you were human, it would make a for-sure difference in the end. I don’t understand why it matters.”

“It doesn’t, really. It’s just the whole idea…” Leon said.

“Can you ever become human?”

“No.”

“Then why get upset about ideas? If it doesn’t matter, and can never change, then there’s no reason to be sad about it.”

“It’s not like I sit here and dwell on this stuff all the time. I’m thinking more about it now because you’re asking and it just… doesn’t feel very good.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, then. I’m sorry you feel that way. You’re very hung up on appearances, I’m discovering.”

“I don’t care what anyone else looks like, nor do I really care what I look like. I just care what other people think about it.”

“Right, which shouldn’t matter. My hair consistently looks like I’m being electrocuted but you don’t hear me complaining about it. It’s fucking stupid. At least you look normal.”

“A lot of people have weird hair. Not a lot of people look like they were hit between the eyes with a butcher’s knife,” Leon grumbled, sending a glare in his Charge’s direction. A bit of spite bubbled up under his skin despite his efforts to push it away.

“It sounds like you had issues before that happened, though. Your other scars came before I was around, right? What makes you think you would’ve been different had the one on your face never happened?”

“At least I can cover those up. Unless I want to wear a mask all the time, I can’t hide this one.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t answer my question. If your face was blemish-free, would that negate all these confidence issues?”

“If I’m honest, probably not all of them…”

“Okay, so, you can stew in your self-pity if you want to, but just know that you’re the only one that thinks about your scars. Your problems with your appearance are completely fabricated by you. No one else. So you can keep it up or you can stop. But it’s on you either way.”

The line in Leon’s brow deepened as he frowned. He sat up and gave his Charge a harsh look. “You do understand that the bullshit on my face is your doing, right? Why the fuck are you being so harsh about this? I’m trying to talk to you about how I’m feeling and you’re just being an asshole.”

Cloud sat up with him and shrugged. “I know I did it. Do you blame me for it?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.”

“But nothing else?”

“What?”

“You blame me for this one specific thing, but not for any of the other things I’ve done to you? Why? Because it fits the narrative you’ve cooked up for yourself? You want to wallow in your self-hate and if I try to convince you it’s a bad idea, suddenly you’re going back on everything you told me? That’s not fair. What happened to keeping history in the past? You either blame me or you don’t.”

“This… this is different.”

“No it’s not!” Cloud said with a bit of a disbelieving laugh under his breath. “Listen, Leon, I’m all for helping you out if you’re upset but you need to be upset about stuff that matters. If someone dies and you want to mope around? Fine. Understandable. If you’re sick and don’t feel like functioning? Fine Understandable. Fuck, even if you punch an orphan in the balls and you feel bad about it, I can even help you there. But you’re literally creating a problem out of thin air. I’m not going to feed into it by giving you pity. Because there’s nothing to pity.

“If you’re going to go back on what you said, that you can’t keep history in the past, and you blame me for everything, I’d completely understand. I promise I won’t hold that against you. But you can’t tell me one thing, and then act another when it’s convenient for you. How do I know what I should do for you if you’re lying to me?”

“I’m not trying to lie to you.”

“I don’t think you’re doing it on purpose. But it’s happening anyway. So which is it going to be? Are you going to hold off on moving forward for now? Or did you want to keep trying?”

“I… want to keep trying.”

“You’re absolutely sure?”

“Yes,” Leon said, his expression softening and his eyes refocusing to the blanket.

Though it was a harsh way to go about it, Cloud was right. Leon agreed. However, that didn’t keep the shame from rising out of his nerves like a thick salve. He still wanted to just crawl under a rock and stay there for the rest of his life. Similarly, the blonde didn’t feel the best. He wasn’t sure if flinging a bunch of brash reality in his Carrier’s face was the right move, but what was done was done. He couldn’t take it back, but he figured he could at least try and make it a little better.

“I’m sorry I’m bad at this,” the Charge attempted.

“Don’t be. I agree with you,” the brunette said quietly.

“It obviously doesn’t make you feel better, though.”

“Not right this second, no. It’s sort of hard to just get over it right away, but hearing that it’s my head making it worse and not anyone else makes it a little easier to rationalize trying to put it behind me. It’s easy to talk about, but the reality is that it’s going to take a minute for me to get to the point where I can do it.”

“That’s okay,” Cloud reassured. He shuffled around until his back was resting against the pillows with his legs out in front of him.

Leon wasn’t sure if Cloud had meant what he said when the blonde told him to do what he wanted with him; to just try stuff and Cloud would adjust as best he could. The Carrier really wanted to be held right then, but just helping himself to his Charge’s personal space seemed sort of rude. But as he sat there and thought about it, he uneasily decided he should try anyway. Even if it was scary. Cloud expected him to stick to the things he said and not go back on his word even if it’s understandable, so he should do the same for his Charge. He should trust that Cloud wouldn’t try to lull him into a false sense of security intentionally and then retaliate when he tried to act on it. That wasn’t moving forward.

Cautiously, he moved closer to Cloud until he could lean against his Charge’s side. The blonde picked up on the hint and lifted his arm for him. Taking that as an invitation, Leon scooted into his lap and hugged him tightly around his middle. As he had done before, Cloud had to consciously stop himself from tensing up or making it seem like his Carrier’s contact wasn’t welcome. It took him a brief moment of hesitation to hug Leon back, but he did. The brunette settled against him with his forehead resting against the side of his neck. They stayed like that for several minutes.

“I’m sorry,” Leon mumbled once his legs started to fall asleep from being tucked under him for so long.

“What for?” Cloud asked.

“Preventing you from doing anything today.”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I’m not accomplishing anything, though. If you feel better, I’d consider it a productive day. Even though it just started, technically.”

“Yeah?” the Carrier questioned, finding his Charge’s claim hard to believe. He sat back and shifted his weight around while still sitting on Cloud’s thighs. He couldn’t feel his calves anymore so he pulled his own legs up and tucked them around the other’s waist under the pillows. Cloud wasn’t sure how he felt about it, but didn’t protest.

“Yeah. It’s an accomplishment since I have no idea how to actually help you. So even if I did it by accident, I’ll consider it a win,” the blonde said, folding his legs underneath his Carrier so Leon was sitting in the gap between them. “That’s assuming you actually feel better, that is. If you don’t, then I’ll keep working on it. The day is young.”

“I do feel better,” Leon said, folding his hands in his lap.

“That’s good,” the Charge said.

An awkward silence passed between them, with neither man being able to make eye contact with the other. Cloud was focusing on not showing how uncomfortable he was with the amount of contact he had with Leon. However, the Carrier was thinking of other things. He was actually very moved by Cloud’s efforts to help him, even though it was a bit rough and not very compassionate sounding. He could see what Sunny had meant when she said that his Charge’s effort would mean something even if the attempt wasn’t handled the best way. Leon knew it couldn’t be easy for Cloud to put up with him, and he was even going above and beyond his initial efforts and letting the Carrier have prolonged contact with him. Being able to touch his Charge without feeling like he was going to explode with nervousness was something he could get used to.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” Leon said gently as he was finally able to look the blonde in the eye again.

“I didn’t really do anything,” Cloud said.

“You did, though. Trust me,” the Carrier insisted. He reached up and settled his forearms on the blonde’s shoulders so his fingers could softly comb through his hair. Cloud closed his eyes in response, the lack of sleep from the night before pulling at him.

A bit of anxiety trickled into Leon’s fingers as he dared to take the next step. Leaning forward, he lightly pecked his Charge’s lips. And for half of a second, his world was good. But Cloud’s wasn’t. The unexpected gesture caught him off guard and his eyes popped open and he pulled away with an angry look. Leon immediately regretted everything. He pulled his hands back as if they had been burned and held them to his chest defensively. Before Cloud could say or do anything, the Carrier flinched away from him, anticipating being hit. The reflex was very pathetic, and it stabbed Cloud in the heart like a metal spike. He stopped himself from reacting further, but Leon started scooting off his lap and away from him before he could say anything.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Leon repeated over and over again as he moved backwards to the end of the bed, his eyes closed as he waited for the abuse. He had moved so quickly, Cloud couldn’t even attempt to catch him.

“Whoa, hang on,” the blonde urged.

“I should’ve asked first. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” the Carrier said, panic welling up and making it hard for him to breathe.

“Stop, stop, stop,” Cloud said, forcibly keeping his tone as soft as he could manage. The reality was that he was starting to panic almost as much as Leon was. He was terrified that he was doing irreparable damage to him.

Crawling across the bed, the blonde reached forward and put a hand on Leon’s shoulder. The Carrier audibly gasped and pulled away from him again. Cloud retreated and sat a short distance away. He didn’t know what else to do, so he settled for waiting until Leon calmed on his own. It took longer than he thought it would, and he couldn’t tell if his Carrier was more scared of him presently, or if his mind was running rampant with flashbacks. Either way, it hurt him more than he expected to see the brunette frozen in place with his eyes squeezed shut. When the episode ran its course, and Leon opened his eyes again, they were wet with unshed tears and his breathing was shaky.

“I’m sorry,” the Carrier repeated, his voice cracking. He glanced at Cloud and then at the bed several times before his focus stayed on the blanket.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I was just surprised,” the blonde said.

“I shouldn’t have done that. I was just so happy you were trying to help me and I overreacted. You didn’t ask for that; I shouldn’t have assumed—“

“I told you to do what you want when you’re ready and I’d try my hardest to adjust. I meant it. I’m not angry; it just surprised me. I promise.”

“I still shouldn’t—“

“Leon. Stop. Please. Breathe for a minute,” Cloud insisted. He scooted closer again.

The brunette did as he was told and took several deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself. He was eventually able to look at Cloud again, albeit with shame laced through his brow. He felt awful for losing control of himself and assuming Cloud would hurt him. His Charge had already done so much to help him, why would he think he’d go back on it now? He wanted to believe he was stronger than his fearful impulses, but apparently that wasn’t the case.

“I’m… I’m sorry. For everything,” he mumbled as he dried his eyes.

“Don’t apologize,” Cloud said, reaching forward again.

Just as Leon was moved by the blonde’s disjointed effort to help him, Cloud was moved by his Carrier’s effort to forgive him. He didn’t realize it until then, but he felt warmth in his chest when he took in the very visible exertion Leon put forth in order to function near him. Being comfortable enough to even attempt a kiss was monumental, and even though the initial sensation bothered him a little, the feeling was overwritten by the clemency the brunette gave him. Thinking about it made it hard to breathe. His Carrier was trying so hard.

Cloud took hold of Leon’s hand and tugged the brunette towards him. The brunette hesitated initially but eventually moved to him. His Charge pulled him into a tight hug and held him close. Letting out a relieved sigh, Leon put all his weight against him and attempted to absorb as much comfort as he could. Cloud felt like he was going to burst with the rush of emotions that suddenly crashed into him. His Carrier was putting so much blind trust in him, it was incomprehensible. It didn’t make any sense to him, and he tried to accept it, but found it overwhelming. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against Leon’s.

“You may not feel like it, but you’re a much stronger person than I am,” the blonde said. “I’ve put you through so much and yet you’re here trying your damnedest to forgive and forget. I don’t deserve it. I don’t… I don’t deserve you.”

“You want my happiness just as much as I want yours, so I don’t see why you don’t deserve all my effort. You’re giving all of yours to me, too,” Leon murmured, bringing a hand up to run his fingers through the blonde’s hair again. “I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much your patience so far means to me.”

“I owe you at least that much,” his Charge replied, reaching up to mimic Leon’s petting. He combed his fingers through his Carrier’s hair a few times. “Can um…”

“Hm?” Leon hummed as he became lost in the rhythmic touches.

“Can we try again?” Cloud asked softly.

Somewhat shocked, Leon pulled back just enough to see the blonde’s face properly. “You’re sure you’re alright with it?”

“Leon, don’t make me second guess myself right now, okay?” the Charge requested.

Instead of saying anything more, Leon took him at his word. He closed the very small gap between them and pressed his lips to Cloud’s, his hands coming forward to gently hold his face. They stayed together for a long moment, relishing how easy it felt. Cloud surprised himself. He didn’t immediately feel like pulling away. That’s not to say that he was completely comfortable, but he wasn’t repulsed like he thought he would be. It wasn’t clear to him whether or not the guilt was what kept him there anymore. His perception of Leon had changed so quickly in the last the last hour; he hoped it was a lasting effect. It was nice to be able to touch his Carrier and not feel like his skin was going to crawl away.

“You’re so warm,” the blonde said once they parted. Leon laughed a bit.

“Yeah, that’s another thing that differentiates Carriers from humans. Higher overall temperature. Is it a good thing?”

“I’m okay with it.”

“Oh. That’s good,” the Carrier said, sliding his hands forward until they lay flat against his Charge’s chest. He could feel the blonde’s heartbeat against his palms. The pulses were much quicker than he thought they should be. “Are you feeling alright?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah,” Cloud said. He let out a long sigh, hugging his Carrier again and resting his head on the other’s shoulder. “Two seconds ago I felt okay about this, but now that we stopped, my head is trying to fight me.”

“Did you want to stop?”

“I… yeah. Yeah, I do,” the blonde said. He sat up again, his expression drooping. “I’m sorry. I know how much you’re trying. I’m just… arguing with myself a little. I thought I was okay, but…”

“It’s okay. I understand that feeling very well,” Leon said. Cupping the side of Cloud’s face, he held him in place so he could quickly peck his cheek before scooting off his lap.

“I’m sorry,” Cloud sighed. His Carrier sat next to him and shrugged.

“Cloud, don’t apologize for this. I’m not offended, and I know how much you’re trying. It really means a lot. Even without the… extra parts, I feel better just because you tried. You don’t have to do more than that if you’re uncomfortable.”

“I don’t want to be uncomfortable, though. I shouldn’t be. It’s stupid. I went from confused to sort of happy and then back to confused and then really nervous in the span of about six seconds. It really sucked.”

“Happy?” Leon questioned. Cloud glanced at him briefly before looking down at his hands, his cheeks turning a deep pink.

“Y—yeah… It was nice to not… hate touching you?” the blonde said, making the phrase sound more like a question as he tried to work through what he actually wanted to say. He wasn’t very good at expressing his confusion without making it sound like he was angry.

“Oh,” the Carrier said, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. His Charge’s skin was so red with embarrassment he was waiting for the blood to come bursting from his pores. “I think, for the rest of today, we should just try to get some of your schoolwork done. Is that okay?”

“Yeah… that sounds good.”


	101. Chapter 101

Chapter 101

Showering with a bunch of other naked men was something Cloud had been used to for a long time. However, showering near Zack was a new experience. Not because Zack did anything strange, but because Zack knew a _lot_ of other guys who were equally as naked as they were and just as friendly. They were the ones that did strange things, and because they were hanging around together, Cloud caught some of the runoff. It took a lot for him to notice it because his mind was mostly clogged with worrying about Leon, but he eventually did. It was after he and Zack had been at the gym for an hour, and as he had become accustomed to, his taller companion was chatting with just about everyone around except for him. Cloud didn’t mind; he wasn’t in the mood to make new friends.

The blonde had gotten into the habit of zoning out whilst in the shower after a workout. Going to the gym was nice, and gave him something to do that didn’t involve schoolwork, but it was more stressful than he had anticipated it to be. Leon’s mood hadn’t improved enough for him to feel motivated to leave the bed, and it still worried Cloud to no end. Every quiet moment he had was being consumed by his Carrier’s mental illness, and he desperately wished Leon would get better. For both their sakes. Just when he thought he’d have a few minutes to think by himself, a thundering wet slap echoed through the shower room and a pained yelp escaped Zack’s throat.

“What the fu—“ the older Charge exclaimed, turning on his heel, his hand covering his obviously abused butt cheek. He let out a loud gasp and threw his arms in the air at the other man that had appeared behind him. “Oh my god! Vlad! It’s been forever!”

“Zack! It’s good to see you!” replied Vlad, who was just as tall as Zack, had twice his muscle mass, and far less hair.

What followed after that made Cloud immensely uncomfortable, and he suddenly understood why Zack had warned him about accompanying him to the gym. After their initial greeting, the two men suddenly hugged each other with much more intimacy than Cloud was expecting. It wouldn’t have been so bad for him had he understood the context of why the two men were so familiar, but at that point in his relationship with Zack, he was clueless. They were also naked, and his companion had a perfect red imprint of Vlad’s hand on his ass. There was much more to the story than he wanted to know, and he really didn’t want to figure it out. So before he could be brought into the discussion, he quietly scooted away and fled for his towel and clothing.

He was dry and redressed when Zack found him again. Cloud had taken to sitting on a bench in the hallway outside the locker room, waiting patiently. He glanced up at the older Charge when he saw him, but couldn’t meet his eyes. Part of him was ashamed for leaving without saying anything; he was supposed to be getting over his prejudices. But the feeling was brief. By that point, he just wanted to get home to Leon.

“So this is where you disappeared to. When did you get out of the shower?” Zack asked.

“Shortly after your friend showed up. I was done anyway. I figured you guys wanted to be alone,” Cloud said. He scooped up his gym bag and slung it over his shoulder as he stood. Zack started heading for the exit and Cloud fell in step with him.

“I suppose it was a rather abrupt entrance on his part wasn’t it?” the older Charge said.

“Yeah, it was unexpected. Who was he?”

“Vlad. He was a friend that I picked up here and got to know over a few years. I eventually introduced him to Tifa and stuff went from there,” Zack said dismissively.

“Stuff went from there? Do I want to ask about that or should I leave it alone?”

“That all depends on how involved you care to be in my sex life.”

“I don’t care to be at all, honestly.”

“Ah, well, I won’t elaborate further, then.”

“Thank you,” Cloud sighed, willing the crawling sensation under his skin to leave.

“Are you okay? You’ve been really quiet today. Or did Vlad rattle you that much?”

“No, I’ve just been thinking a lot.”

“What’s up?”

“Just worried about Leon,” the blonde admitted, his face turning a bit pink.

“Yeah? What’s wrong with him?”

“Depression is stopping him from functioning, basically. Or at least that’s what Sunny says. He’s been in the bed for over a month now.”

“Really? That long?” Zack asked, furrowing his brows together.

“Yeah. I feel bad leaving him alone, but trying to just stay with him all day every day is really pulling me down with him.”

“I didn’t realize. I haven’t talked to him in a while outside of him asking me to escort you to Cid’s. Should I stop by?”

“I don’t think you need to. He’s not up for doing much so I think having more people around wouldn’t help him. I can ask though. I’ll let you know.”

“Okay. Keep us informed.”

“I’ll try. I don’t know how much he wants me to say to other people. I probably shouldn’t have told you.”

“I’m glad you did. I can let Tifa know and we can be more prepared if you need us.”

“I guess,” Cloud sighed. He ran a hand through his hair with a frown. “I don’t know what to do for him.”

“We could stop by a shop on the way back and get him something if you want.”

“I couldn’t even begin to guess what a good gift would be.”

“Well, he likes flowers. I think,” Zack said, trailing thoughtfully. He pursed his lips.

“He does,” Cloud said. Buying flowers for someone who was sick seemed like a normal thing to do, but for reasons the blonde didn’t quite understand, he wasn’t fully committed to the idea. The more he thought about it, the more he related flowers to Aerith. It used to be easy to make the girl happy just by showering her in an obnoxious array of blossoms, but doing the same for Leon, even if he liked flowers just as much, felt… strange. Not quite right. He couldn’t decide if it was because Aerith was picking at the back of his mind or if it legitimately felt weird to give Leon a bouquet to help cheer him up.

“I know of a florist downtown we can go to.”

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea, though. He already has a whole table of flowers staring at him all day,” the younger Charge said, trying to justify his mental rejection.

“I suppose that’s true. Do you think he’d like a food-type something? Tifa shovels sushi down her throat like a siphon every time she gets hormonal and dumpy. You know, between the bouts of threatening me with bodily harm and rampant sex.”

“I don’t know what sushi is,” Cloud said, letting the rest of Zack’s statement slide before he could dwell on it too much.

“There’s a bunch of different kinds, but the ones our Carriers can eat without much digestive upset is called _nigiri_ which is basically a ball of rice with a chunk of raw fish on it.”

“Oh. I suppose he might like that. He hasn’t been eating very much lately, though. That’s been sort of worrisome too.”

“Well it doesn’t have to be a huge platter of food for him; just a little should be fine. Plus, if you’re concerned about him not eating, buying him something you think he might like might guilt him into eating more and fixing the problem for a moment.”

“I guess…”

“You don’t sound very confident about the idea.”

“No, it’s a good idea, I just…” Cloud sighed. “Like I said, hanging around with him all day is sort of dragging me down too. I’m finding it hard to be very excited. Sorry.”

“Ah, I understand that. Do you think he’s a danger to himself?”

“No. I wouldn’t have left him alone if I did.”

“That’s good to hear. I’ll make the executive decision for you and say we’re going to the market, then. Is that okay?” Zack asked.

“Yeah. We can do that,” Cloud agreed.

\---------

Leon was asleep when the blonde came home. He quietly shuffled around the bedroom and put his gym things away and redressed in what he normally wore to bed; loose fitting sweatpants and a t-shirt. The sushi he had brought home was packed in a carton with a layered bottom that had a sheet of ice sandwiched between two pieces of plastic. He wondered how long it would stay fresh and whether or not he should wake Leon up so he could eat it. After a moment of consideration, he decided to take a chance and let his Carrier sleep. He took up his tablet to do some schoolwork while he waited.

A half hour later, and Leon was awake. He slowly pulled himself up from the mountain of pillows he had been submerged in and yawned, blinking a few times at his Charge’s blurry frame. “When did you get home?” he asked sleepily.

“Not long ago,” Cloud replied, setting his tablet aside. He scooted down under the covers so he was more at Leon’s level. “How was your nap?”

“It existed,” the brunette mumbled, settling down against the pillows again so they were lying face to face.

“That doesn’t sound very satisfying.”

Leon shrugged. “It was okay. Probably could’ve lived without it.”

“Ah, well, I’m glad you’re awake. I brought you something,” the blonde said, rolling over so he could retrieve the sushi from his side table.

“Why’d you do that?” his Carrier asked confusedly. He pushed himself up until he was sitting.

“Because I want you to feel better,” Cloud said simply. He handed the carton off to Leon. “If you hate it, it’s Zack’s fault.”

“Is that so?” the Carrier asked curiously. He took a second to wipe the condensation off the bottom of the container before settling it in his lap. Opening it, he raised a brow. “Is this fish?” he asked.

“Yeah. Sushi. Apparently Tifa likes it so Zack assumed you would too. I’m not going to take all the credit and say this was my idea, but I did ask his help figuring out some way to maybe help you feel better.”

“Oh… you told him?”

“I-I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure if I should, but I wanted help. Are you angry?”

“No,” Leon said. He picked up a piece of nigiri and cautiously ate it as Cloud watched him closely. “I just… feel sort of ashamed I can’t just snap out of it. Sunny would tell me that I shouldn’t be, so I try not to think about it, but it’s hard. So it’s just me. I’m not angry at you.”

“Okay…”

“This is actually really good. Did you want some?” Leon offered, holding the carton out towards his Charge. Cloud shook his head.

“I don’t actually like fish all that much.”

“Really? Living in the Shumi village must’ve been pretty torturous, then. That’s all we ate.”

“No, I don’t like it because of the Shumi village. I was okay with it before having to live off it for several years. I don’t actually know if I genuinely dislike it or if I’ve just lost all interest.”

“That’s understandable. I haven’t had fish like this since we came home. This is really fresh.”

“It better be. The fish was alive less than an hour ago. I watched the guy make it.”

“Yeah? That’s good,” Leon said, eating another piece. Once he finished it, he went quiet and stared down at the rest for a moment. Cloud thought there was a problem, but when his Carrier looked to him again his cheeks were rosier than before. “Thank you. It’s been… a long time since I’ve been given a gift like this.”

“No problem. I’m glad you like it.”

“Should I thank Zack too?” the Carrier asked with a bit of a laugh. He ate another piece.

“Only if you want to. I’ll give credit where credit is due.”

“I like the idea of you coming up with it all by yourself, though.”

“That’s okay too. He doesn’t have to know,” Cloud said. He smiled.

Once Leon finished eating, they settled in together and went over the Charge’s studies. Cloud tried to pay attention as much as he could, but his mind was occupied with trying to discern if his Carrier was actually feeling better. It seemed like he did, but Leon had deceived him before. The blonde was very conscious of the fact that they hadn’t done much else since they first kissed and he could clearly remember how much that had bothered his Carrier. When the blonde thought about it, he felt heat pushing up his neck and a pang of guilt through his chest.

“Cloud,” Leon said firmly once he realized his Charge had been zoning out and not paying attention. It was even more frustrating because they were sitting directly next to one another; it wasn’t like Leon was a distance away doing a droning lecture.

“Hm?” the blonde grunted, snapping back to reality.

“Do you understand?” the Carrier asked grumpily, holding up the tablet.

“I… no. I wasn’t paying attention, sorry.”

Leon sighed and set the device on the bed. “Is there something on your mind or are you just bored?”

“I was thinking.”

“Yeah?”

“About you.”

“…Okay.”

“You seem to be feeling a little better,” the blonde said. He reclined back against the pillows.

“I… guess I do. I liked my gift and I’m glad you’re home, so… yeah,” Leon trailed awkwardly, clearing his throat a bit. Cloud was watching him a little too closely and he wasn’t sure he was entirely comfortable with it.

“That’s good. Good,” the blonde said. The low-key anxiety he had about trying anything intimate with Leon was quick to surface. “So I was thinking.”

“You said that already.”

“…Right. Uh, I’m not really sure how to ask this,” Cloud attempted, his brain scrambling to find a way to steer the conversation to somewhere other than the nervous swamp it had gotten stuck in.

“You could… just say it?”

“Um… okay. I was just wondering if I could… see them. Again. The scars, I mean,” the Charge blurted strangely. Leon’s expression immediately fell and the Carrier pushed his brows together anxiously. The blonde’s regret was instantaneous.

“Why would you want to do that?” the brunette asked.

“I just…” Cloud said, his thought process a jumbled mess. He wasn’t even sure where he was going with his proposition. “I just sort of want to see for myself if they’re really as bad as you say they are. I don’t remember what I saw before, so I’d like to make a clear judgment. If… if that’s okay.”

“I don’t understand why you’re concerned about this all of a sudden.”

“Honestly? I’m not concerned about it at all. But you are. We still haven’t really addressed the issues you brought up a couple weeks ago. Yeah, we kind of talked them over but I keep hitting this sort of… mental roadblock when I try to consider trying anything more with you.”

“You said I should do what I want and you’d wait for me, though.”

“Right… I know. But we still need to move past this if you’re ever going to have the confidence to go forward. I said I’d try to go with whatever you want to try, but I still need you to be able to try in the first place.”

“I don’t want to show you, though.”

“Why not?”

“…Do you really have to ask?”

“I get where you’re coming from, but…” Cloud trailed. He sighed and shook his head, understanding that he was trying to push for too much. “Never mind. It’s okay. I’m just being paranoid. After what you told me before, I’m just afraid of things stagnating. I don’t want to upset you.”

“I see.”

“I’m sorry. That was really stupid of me.”

“No, it’s okay,” Leon insisted. “I agree with you, I’m just… scared for no real reason. Or no real current reason.”

“I understand.”

Leon was quiet for a moment as he mulled over Cloud’s request. His mental debate was fraught with uneasiness and a realization of his lack of control over himself. The rational part of his mind was combating the irrational fear he felt, and being conscious of how unreasonable he was acting made it so much worse. Cloud was obviously concerned about their relationship, so why should he be afraid to move forward? If his Charge was already invested enough to be upset about stagnation, then he obviously wasn’t going to turn Leon away; there was no reason to be scared. Cloud could easily see the mental torment playing out on the brunette’s face. Without saying anything, the blonde reached over and took his hand. The Carrier’s mind snapped back to reality and he looked to his Charge with worried eyes.

“I promise it’s okay. I’m not upset that you don’t want to,” Cloud said.

“I’m just trying to figure out why I should be afraid. Especially if history is supposed to stay in the past where it belongs.”

“It doesn’t have to make sense for it to be real.”

“I know. But I like it when things make sense. It makes me feel better.”

“Well, when you figure it out, then let me know.”

Leon laughed a bit. “I don’t want to show you, but I know I should. I’ve already figured that out.”

“It’s okay. It doesn’t have to be right now. I just wanted to try; to let you know I was still thinking about it,” Cloud said simply.

“Okay,” the brunette sighed. With failure hanging over him like thick smog, he suddenly felt like crawling back under the covers and sleeping for as long as he could stand it. He looked to his pillows longingly. Cloud noticed the grief pulling on his Carrier’s features.

“Hey… I get you’re not exactly skipping through a field of pansies right now, but are you okay?” he asked, giving Leon’s hand a light squeeze. The brunette shrugged.

“Yeah. I’m just being me. I um… I’d like to lie down again. Are you okay just working on your lessons for a bit by yourself?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Would you mind if I turned the lights off?”

“No, that’s fine.”

“Okay. Thank you,” Leon said, his tone turning monotone and his eyes losing some focus. He could feel his thoughts slowly turning to mush as his over stimulated brain tried to stop and process everything he was experiencing. A laundry list of emotions were trying to cram themselves into the narrow highways of his nerves and all the traffic was making him feel heavy. He shuffled out of bed quietly and went to turn the light switch off before shuffling back into bed. The curtains were closed, and the room was almost as dark as it usually was on a moonless night.

With his face covered with pillows, Leon stewed in his failure. He felt so ashamed of his ineptitude. Cloud was trying to solve the issues the Carrier was creating for himself and the brunette just outright denied him the opportunity because of a baseless fear. The Cloud he had next to him wasn’t the same one he should be afraid of. He had no reason to dislike this one, and he hated that the discourse came to him so easily. And now, because he gave in to his torment, he was stuck under his pillows, crying quietly to himself. Cloud had done as he asked and returned to his studies alone. He hadn’t pushed the boundaries and respected Leon’s space. His Charge didn’t deserve his rejection.

After a solid twenty minutes of rolling around in his own self loathing, Leon had had enough. Exhausted and only half-thinking, he decided he wanted to have more control. He felt angry at himself as he abruptly sat up, tossing the pillows off his face and at his feet. Cloud startled with the sudden burst of movement. The blonde stared at his Carrier for a moment as Leon glared ahead of himself, trying to decide how brave he was feeling. Cloud couldn’t see very well. The backlight from his tablet had ruined what semblance of night vision he would’ve had.

“Everything okay over there?” he asked confusedly.

“Yeah. I’m just fed up with myself,” Leon grumbled.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Bear with me for a minute,” the Carrier said. Before he could debate with himself and get stuck in another loop of self loathing, he pulled the bottom hem of his t-shirt up and over his head. The regret was quick to yank on his psyche but he resisted the urge to pull the clothing back on.

“Um,” Cloud trailed. He poked at his tablet until it lit up and tried to use the light to see his Carrier. Leon immediately reached over and pushed the face of the device into the blanket to keep the room dark.

“Just… just give me a second,” the brunette said, taking a few deep breaths to calm his nerves.

“What’re you doing?”

“Trying to get a hold of myself.”

“What for?”

“I’m trying. I’m… just trying. Hang on,” Leon said, taking one last deep breath.

With shaking hands, he gently reached over and took hold of Cloud’s wrist. The blonde could feel the fear trembling out of his Carrier’s digits. Leon scooted closer to him until he could bring the other’s palm up and press it against his chest. Surprised, his Charge’s hand jerked when he suddenly felt the warmth under his fingers. The Carrier’s heartbeat thumped against his hand almost as harshly as his fingers shook. He couldn’t even recognize how uneven and damaged the skin felt, because his mind had been overcrowded with how absolutely terrified Leon so obviously was. Suddenly desperate to help his Carrier, he started to act before he could recognize what he was doing.

Cloud couldn’t see, so he tried to navigate by touch. Leaning forward, he slid his hand around Leon’s torso and held him in place. The Carrier started to lean away from him instinctively, but he didn’t actively push him away. With his free hand, he gently felt Leon’s marred skin before timidly tilting towards him until he could press his lips against one of the scars. The Carrier’s skin immediately burst into a coating of goosebumps, his hand coming up to rest against the back of Cloud’s neck. He heaved a shaky breath, trying not to let the anxiety get the better of him.

“What’re you doing?” the Carrier asked breathily, finding it hard to think straight.

“You’re trying so hard,” Cloud said, pecking a line along Leon’s collarbones.

“I... I know. You don’t have to force yourself to do this for my sake.”

“I’m not. Did you want me to stop?”

“No,” Leon said. He leaned back and took hold of his Charge’s face so he could bring them together.

The kisses were brief for the first few but neither man had the resolve to hold back for very long. Leon expected Cloud to react to his tongue just as everyone else had, but the blonde didn’t seem bothered. His Charge kissed him deeply and didn’t falter. Cloud had come to expect a lot of strange things from his Carrier. A textured tongue and pointy teeth were the least of his concerns. His concession towards the brunette’s differences made Leon’s chest ache with acceptance. It was such a valuable feeling for him; it was difficult for him to process it fully. In addition to that, his Charge was holding him so gently, as if Cloud was afraid of breaking him. For as much as Leon’s effort awed the blonde, the Carrier was beside himself with the care Cloud was giving him. The surrealism wasn’t lost on him.

Cloud pulled away from Leon’s lips, his cheeks pink and breath short. The Carrier smiled a bit though his Charge couldn’t see. “I uh… how far did you want to take this?” the blonde asked nervously.

“I’m not sure,” the brunette replied. “My brain is still sort of reeling from just this much.”

“Yeah. I know what you mean.”

“Are you okay?” Leon asked, sliding his hands up the blonde’s chest. Just as Cloud had felt on him before, the Carrier could feel his Charge’s heartbeat against his palms.

“Yeah. I think.”

“Did you want to stop?”

“No. I just… don’t know what’s next. Mostly because I can’t see.”

“Ah, right. Sorry. I can turn on the lights.”

“No, don’t, actually. I like the idea of you not being able to see me being stupid.”

“I can see just fine. It’s your bland human eyes that don’t let you see.”

“…Oh.”

“The vacant look on your face is sort of cute.”

“Oh my god stop it,” Cloud said, letting go of his Carrier to bring his hands up and cover his face.

“Your nervousness is making me less nervous. Sorry,” Leon said with a tiny laugh.

“Greaaat.”

“Has anyone ever told you how amazing you are at kissing?”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Cloud huffed, his amusement drying up as his embarrassment replaced it.

“I’m not lying though,” the Carrier said, cupping his Charge’s jaw between his hands and coaxing him to bring his face up and look at him again.  He pressed their lips together briefly before resting their foreheads together.

“You’re no slouch, either. If I’m being honest.”

“I’m glad,” Leon said, loosely wrapping his arms around the other’s neck.

“I am being serious, though. I… need you to walk me though this.”

“Well, you wouldn’t have to do much that’s different from what you’re used to. I can… prep myself.”

Cloud sat up properly, furrowing his brow together. “What do you mean ‘what I’m used to?’ I’ve never done this before.”

“…It works the same as if you’re having sex with a woman, Cloud. You… stick your penis in me and move it around? Is… is that clear enough?” Leon guessed awkwardly, the words falling out of his mouth choppily. Cloud scowled for a moment.

“You mean… you thought I was—no. I’m not going to do that. I can’t do that to you.”

“What do you mean? You don’t have to accommodate me.”

“No. I… I really can’t. I wouldn’t be able to. I’d… I’d feel like I’m hurting you. Again. Just thinking about it makes me soft,” Cloud admitted.

“Oh. I see. I won’t argue about it, then,” Leon said, hoping the relief running through him didn’t translate to his voice. He felt substantially better once he realized he had control over their entire situation. It wasn’t that he wanted to manipulate Cloud, but having a decent sense of predictability was immensely comforting. Things would happen on his terms. His Charge could feel the Carrier relaxing under his hands.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up again,” the blonde said, leaning forward so he could rest his forehead against his Carrier’s shoulder. Leon pet the back of his neck reassuringly.

“You don’t have to apologize for that one. I appreciate you telling me instead of forcing yourself. That’d be more upsetting for me to figure it out later.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so,” the Carrier insisted. He slid his hands down and around his Charge’s middle and pulled him closer. Cloud gently scooted into his lap and allowed himself to be held.

“I feel stupid,” the blonde grumbled.

“Well, you’re not, so stop it. You’re already doing ten times more than I ever thought you would.”

“Which makes me feel even more stupid.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because your low expectations remind me of how much of an asshole I’ve been.”

“You haven’t been an asshole. Recently.”

“Right. Recently.”

“And we’re supposed to be moving forward and history is supposed to stay behind us. So stop it.”

“I’m sorr—“

“Stop. Don’t do it.”

“…Right,” Cloud sighed, remembering that he was supposed to stop apologizing for every little thing he did.

“I don’t think either of us are ready to go much farther today. Despite the heat of the moment saying otherwise.”

“Agreed. I… I do want to try soon, though. I’m… more curious than I thought I’d be,” the Charge said.

“Yeah? I’ll keep it in mind.”

“…When you say stuff like that it makes me doubt how much I want to commit. That sort of statement makes me think you’re going to plan something embarrassing for me.”

“It wouldn’t be embarrassing on purpose, if I did. But the way I see it,” Leon started. He nudged Cloud a few times until the blonde sat up and was looking at him properly. His Charge still couldn’t see, but it didn’t matter to Leon. “You’ve helped me a ton over the last couple months, so I should do the same for you. If I can think of a way to make this transition easier for you, I’ll do it. I’ll listen to whatever you need from me, even if you feel it’s stupid. The amount of personal sacrifice you’re offering me is worth more than whatever nervousness or embarrassment you have. I’m not going to make you doubt your commitment, or anything, if I can avoid it. So in an effort to reciprocate your care and assistance, I will keep your request to move forward in mind so I can recognize opportunities to fulfill it when they happen. That’s all I meant by that.”

“I’m not sacrificing anything. You don’t have to think I am.”

“You say that, but forgive me for still having my doubts. Once you’re permitted to live in your own space again, we’ll see how much you actually want to be around me. It’s hard for me to imagine you’ll still feel the same once you’re outside my immediate influence.”

“I don’t like that you talk about yourself like that,” Cloud with, furrowing his brows together. “You make it sound like you’re a curse.”

Leon sighed. “I’m not… intentionally trying to shit on myself like that, but I can’t think of any other way to say it. I told you before that it’d take a lot to convince me that anything you feel towards me is genuine. And I meant it. But you’ve also been more or less forcibly attached to my side for the last few months so I can’t judge very well if what you – or I, for that matter – feel is legitimate or if it’s just because we’ve spent too much time together. So, I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like you’re anything more than a little curious. I’ll do whatever you feel comfortable doing so long as you’re here, but if you become distant once you can sleep by yourself again, I’d understand.”

“I see,” the blonde said, his tone downtrodden.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, but I also don’t want to lie to you.”

“No, it’s okay. I get it. It’s just… I don’t want to say ‘disappointing’ because you haven’t done anything wrong, but I guess I’m disappointed with myself? But I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong either.”

“You haven’t. Just not enough time has passed. You’re not disappointing; just impatient.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Do you look forward to having your own space again?”

“I haven’t decided. I like the idea of being able to put on pants by myself but…”

“But?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know if I can fall asleep on my own.”

“I can still help you with that.”

“Will you?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t just up and leave you like that.”

“Okay,” Cloud said, still a little troubled. It was difficult to express the confliction he felt. Just that morning he wanted Leon to get better for both of their sakes. But if Leon got better, and once the six months of suicide watch passed, he’d have no arbitrary reason to stay with his Carrier all the time. He found that he didn’t really want to be left alone. But at the same time, he didn’t know if Leon even wanted him around that much and he was afraid to ask; he knew he would make the brunette feel obligated to keep him company if he did.

Leon could see the uncertainty passing through his Charge’s features. He felt bad, but he didn’t want to give Cloud false hope or unrealistic expectations. In a mildly twisted sort of way, he Carrier took a bit of pleasure knowing that the idea of splitting up was somewhat saddening to the blonde. It made him feel wanted. Truthfully, he didn’t want to be left alone, either. But just as Cloud didn’t want to obligate him to stick together, he didn’t want to do the same to Cloud. He was sure that once they had some time apart, whatever was making his Charge upset would dissipate. For the moment, though, he would revel in their closeness.

“Thank you for helping me,” Leon said, gently holding Cloud’s face between his hands.

“Did I actually do anything? Or are you just trying to make me feel better?”

“Both. I’m being truthful and I want to make you feel better,” the Carrier reassured, leaning forward to give the blonde a quick kiss.

“Okay,” Cloud murmured with a bit of a sigh. He hugged the brunette around his middle and rested his face against the other’s shoulder. “You’re welcome,” he said. Leon hugged him back tightly, and they stayed together for several minutes.

“Did you want to turn on the lights now?” the Carrier asked.

“If you’ve been able to see me be stupid this entire time, I don’t see the point of keeping them off. Doesn’t actually matter to me, though.”

“Well, if you don’t care, I don’t care, but at the very least I do need you to get off my legs. They’re starting to lose feeling.”

“Are you calling me fat?”

“I could be.”

“That’s rude. Asshole,” Cloud huffed, sitting up abruptly. Leon laughed a bit.

“Sorry. There was an opportunity there and I took it.”

“Mean,” the blonde grumbled, shuffling off his Carrier’s legs.

He scooted across the bed and towards his side table so he could turn on his lamp. Once the light was on and he turned back to Leon, he noticed his Carrier had pulled his legs up against his chest and was resting his chin on his knees. Cloud raised a brow at him, but quickly realized the brunette was hiding from him. The look he wore wasn’t lost on Leon, and the Carrier sighed. His anxiety got the better of him momentarily, and the shame was immediate. It took him a brief while of his Charge staring at him strangely before he mustered the courage to settle his legs down and show the damage on his torso. Once exposed, he couldn’t keep eye contact and shifted his attention to the blanket underneath him and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. His fear was obvious, and Cloud was waiting for it to come bursting from his Carrier’s pores.

“Sorry,” Leon mumbled, realizing his ridiculousness.

“It’s okay,” his Charge said, moving across the bed to him again. “They’re not nearly as bad as you made them seem like they would be. They look old. Faded.”

“They are,” the Carrier said. He pressed his lips into a thin line as he thought for a moment. “They’re going on thirty years old at this point.”

“Really? I keep forgetting you’re and old fart.”

“I’m not _that_ old. Jackass,” the Carrier said grumpily with a scowl.

“You’re just as old as I am fat.”

“Oh, okay, I see where this is going now.”

“Yeah? Your sure your geriatric brains can keep up? I’m not convinced,” Cloud said with a bit of a smirk.

“Fuck off,” Leon spat, a deep frown marring his face.

“You’re stuck with me for a little bit still. Too bad,” his Charge said with a shrug.

“Yeah, I know. It’s going to be a nightmare,” the Carrier sighed dramatically. He gave the blonde a bit of a smile afterward, appreciating their back-and-forth and the lightheartedness that came with it. Cloud smiled back.

“I will say, though,” his Charge said, leaning forward to gently touch the Carrier side. Leon reflexively pulled away for a second, but relaxed again quickly. Cloud’s fingers ran over the brunette’s ribcage. The bone structure was starting to show under the other’s skin. Not drastically, but it was noticeable. The Carrier’s habit of not eating was taking a toll. “You really need to eat more. Your ribs are starting to show. I don’t know if you noticed.”

“Are they?” Leon questioned, looking down at himself. He could see what his Charge was saying clearly.

“Please start eating more. This isn’t good for you,” the blonde pleaded, his brows pushing together worriedly.

“I… yeah. I will.”

“Promise?”

“Yeah. I promise.”


	102. Chapter 102

Chapter 102

“Have a good day at work. I’ll see you later,” Leon said, giving Cloud a tiny wave as the blonde headed into Cid’s shop.

“Okay. Have fun with Tifa,” his Charge replied, returning the gesture.

“Oh. It’ll be _great_ ,” the Carrier said sarcastically, casting his female companion a side-eyed glance.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Tifa huffed, putting her hands on her hips.

Cloud laughed a bit. “What’re you guys doing again?”

“Shopping, apparently,” Leon said with a shrug.

“Oh. I’m so sad I can’t go,” the blonde added blandly.

“Both of you are assholes,” Tifa said.

After their last goodbyes, the two Carriers parted ways with Cloud and headed for the city. Leon was feeling better, and found he finally had the mental fortitude to get up and do things with his day. He had caught up on the maintenance of his flower table, and cleaned his room and the lab, so he had run out of menial tasks to do. Cloud was progressing in his studies well enough to where the Carrier was contemplating doing more hands-on lectures and lessons that he couldn’t record. He hadn’t started on those yet, but it was a plan in the works.

His relationship with his Charge was at the forefront of a lot of his attention recently.  They weren’t overly affectionate with one another, but the odd make out session did happen behind closed doors every now and again. But with a clearer mind, he could think about progressing further. As far as he was aware, his Charge was still willing, so he figured he should be too. That’s where Tifa came in. He had made it sound like being with her was a chore, but he wanted to keep their escapades together a secret from Cloud for the time being. Not only was he somewhat embarrassed about it, but he wanted whatever they came up with to be a surprise. He just hoped it was a positive one.

Having a wide range of bedroom “equipment” was something Tifa was somewhat known for. For Leon, in his infinite inexperience with such things, she was the best source of knowledge he could think of. He wasn’t looking for anything overly complex, but the things he wanted to try were things the Technicians didn’t already provide for him. Their assistance started and ended with condoms, but at least they gave him that much. Tifa could help him find other supplies – like lubricant – that didn’t irritate his skin with weird scents or flavors. She could relate to his plight.

“Tajim’s shop is one of the few places that’ll serve Carriers this sort of stuff. Just about every other sex shop calls the police. So, if you come back without me, make sure your stick to him. It helps that he’s a really nice guy and has decent prices, too,” Tifa explained.

“Okay,” Leon said.

“I’m glad you asked me to help you. I have an order I need to pick up from here anyway.”

“An order?”

“Yeah. Tajim does custom toys as a side thing.”

“Oh. Huh,” Leon said thoughtfully.

“So, you know, if you need a studded double-ended dildo that’s as wide as your leg, you know where to go.”

“Right. I’ll keep it in mind,” the male sighed. Tifa giggled at his expense.

Tajim’s shop wasn’t what Leon had been expecting. He thought it would be some sort of strange dungeon-like atmosphere with harnesses, whips, and chains hanging from the ceiling. The actual shop was a huge contrast to that idea. It was extremely vibrant and filled to the brim with glass display cases and shelving. All of the packaging and bright colors for the varying toys covered up the plain concrete walls so well, he could barely tell the shop was actually just big gray square underneath. However, because there was so much of it, the torrent of products was very overwhelming for him.

“Tifa! You’re here for your order?” Tajim asked happily as the pair entered the building. He came around from behind the glass checkout area and approached them. He was a younger man with skin the color cinnamon, eyes as dark as slate, and hair that fell past his the tips of his ears in soft black curls.

“That, and I’ve brought a friend with me to say hello!” Tifa said as she shook the shopkeeper’s hand. Tajim smiled broadly at Leon.

“Hello friend! Welcome!” he exclaimed.

“Uh… hi,” Leon said stiffly.

“This is Leon,” Tifa said. Tajim held his hand out for the other Carrier to shake but the brunette hesitated. He eventually obliged the shopkeeper, but it was an awkward gesture. Tajim’s smile faltered a bit but he turned his attention back to Tifa in order to keep face.

“Come, let me show you what I made for you,” he said, motioning for the pair to follow him.

Tajim produced a plastic box from behind the checkout area and set it on the countertop. Tifa excitedly bounced in place as she opened it and retrieved the obnoxiously colored creation the man had concocted. As Leon expected, it was a dildo, but it wasn’t huge and bulbous as he thought it would be; it looked a normal sized erect penis. However, besides the bright purple material it was made out of, there were more oddities that concerned him. The toy was studded with large protrusions that were as long as the first joint of his thumb. They didn’t look soft, either. Their rigidity made him question whatever pleasure Tifa would get from it.

“It’s beautiful!” the woman said, running her hands along the studs. They bent a little under her touch but were obviously meant to be felt in a very specific way.

“I’m so happy you like it! I was worried I’d mess it up,” Tajim said.

“Never! It’s perfect,” Tifa reassured. She turned to Leon and held it up for him to see; as if he didn’t already have an eyeful.

“I don’t understand how this can be appealing,” the brunette admitted.

“Well first off, it’s made from a mold of Zack’s penis. So there’s that.”

“I feel like your Charge has a really extreme fungal infection on his shaft if he could produce a mold with such… pointy things on it. Should take him to the hospital.”

“That’s not what I meant. You know what I meant,” Tifa dismissed. “Tajim used the mold and sculpted the barbs on it for me. It’s perfect.”

“Barbs.”

“Yes, barbs.”

“As in… relative to a cat penis?”

“Yes, actually!” Tifa said happily with a wide smile.

“…Right. I think I’ll walk home by myself,” Leon said, turning towards the door. The woman grabbed his wrist and didn’t let him get far.

“Don’t judge! This is actually really important.”

“I don’t plan on using such a thing on Cloud. So it’s not important for me.”

“But you’ll have sisters, won’t you?”

“…Eventually.”

“Then it’s important,” Tifa said, tugging him back so he was facing her. “I think I’ve found a way to help estrous episodes not be quite so intense and torturous.”

“I don’t know what you mean by that. I don’t experience estrous.”

“Well, Zack and I have taken to inviting multiple partners to our bed during my estrous cycle because he has a hard time keeping up with me after a few hours. It doesn’t matter how much sex we have, the _need_ to do it never really goes away until my cycle ends on its own. I lose sleep over it. It’s exhausting. But then I had a thought.”

“Okay…”

“My estrous cycle is determined by my Totem. During mating season my Totem – and similarly, your Totem as well – mates many times over the course of a long period, and the male’s penis has spines on it to promote ovulation and help conception. It also releases hormones.”

“I’m aware.”

“So, when I’m in the throes of estrous, my body is presumably looking for that sort of stimulation to know that it’s getting what it needs to make babies. Humans don’t have the right sort of penis for that. They don’t have the right kind of feeling.”

“So you had Tajim make something to mimic that?”

“Yes. I want to see if it helps. My hope is that I can use this at the start and get the need to have that sort of stimulation sated before getting involved with Zack and everyone else. I think it’ll help it be more satisfying and I might actually be able to function somewhat normally and like… sleep occasionally. All those hormones are a killer,” Tifa explained with a sigh.

“Why are the barbs so huge, though?”

“Because I need to make sure I feel something.”

“I guess… to me it looks like a weapon.”

“It is. A weapon of mass vaginal destruction,” Tifa said proudly. “Or, you know, anal destruction, if you’re more into that.”

“The idea of shoving something like that in anyone’s ass is horrifying.”

“Eh, I don’t think it’d be that bad granted you know what you’re doing. They look stiff, but they actually bend a bit,” the woman said, pressing her finger into the tip of one of the barbs. She wiggled it around accordingly, showing him that they were indeed a little pliable.

Tajim smiled. “I hope it helps you. I like finding solutions like these to people’s issues. It makes my job _so_ worth it.”

“I’ll let you know. If it does, I’ll have you make a few more and maybe we can help all the female Carriers. They all know the struggle,” Tifa said. She smiled at Leon. “Even your yet-to-exist sisters will know the feeling. So hopefully this becomes a solution before they have to know the hardship.”

“Well, if and when they have the issue, I will send them to you,” Leon said.

“Good!”

“Is that the only thing you ordered? Or should I fear that there’s more?”

“No, this is it. We can find stuff for you now,” the female Carrier said, turning to put her new toy back in its box.

“What’re you looking for?” Tajim asked pleasantly.

Leon hesitated before taking a deep breath and speaking. “My Charge is a virgin and I need things to make the jump to the next step easier for him.”

“Giving or receiving?”

“Receiving.”

“Ah okay,” Tajim said with a thoughtful expression. He came out from behind his counter and headed further into the shop. Leon and Tifa followed and they came to a stop in front of a large four-sided display of colorful bottles.

“This is the lube Zack and I use,” Tifa said, picking up one bottle in particular. “It doesn’t have a bunch of weird flavors and stuff in it.”

Tajim nodded. “It also dries… dry. It doesn’t get strange and sticky at all. I have a lot of Carriers that use it with…” he trailed, reaching around to the other side of the display to retrieve another container. “This,” he finished, handing it to Leon.

“Massage oil?” the brunette questioned, raising a brow.

“To help him relax,” Tajim said.

“Oh. I suppose that’d be beneficial.”

“You know what might also help?” Tifa asked.

“What’s that?” Leon replied.

“Your candles.”

“… I haven’t thought about those in a while.”

“Candles?” Tajim queried.

“Oh, they’re amazing aphrodisiacs,” Tifa gushed, turning to the shopkeeper with an excited look. “He’s discovered a plant extract that acts like human pheromones. It makes guys go _nuts_. Zack was totally at my mercy. It was awesome.”

“That’s actually _really_ interesting,” Tajim said, looking to Leon. “That sounds like something I’d love to sell here.”

“They’re barely tested and I have no consistent proof of their effects. I have no idea if people would be allergic to them or what. They’re actually made from plants that came from my Charge’s world, so they’re completely foreign to here,” Leon said, shaking his head.

“I see. I’m still interested though. If you ever want to have them tested officially, I’d sponsor you,” Tajim offered. Leon’s eyebrows rose in surprise.

“That’s… awful generous. You barely know me.”

“But I know Tifa. If she’s enamored with it; it must be good.”

“I’m very sad that the one you gave me is starting to run out,” the woman said to Leon. “I was actually going to ask for another.”

“Oh. Like I said: I haven’t thought about them in a while. I’ll have to see if I have enough wax leftover. I’ll let you know. I did make one for Joshua to try with Neku, but they ended up deciding against it. It has half the concentration of the one I gave you.”

“Yeah?” Tifa questioned curiously. “Was it meant to have half the effectiveness?”

“Well, I wanted to see if I could get a more… tame response. A mood lifter versus a complete hormone overload.”

“Try that one with Cloud.”

“I don’t know,” Leon said hesitantly.

“It could make him get in the mood enough to get rid of any nervousness I’m sure he’ll have.”

“Maybe…”

“Think on it. I think it’d help,” Tifa said.

“Would a plug help? A small one?” Tajim asked. He started walking towards another display, but this time the shelves were attached to the wall.

“I don’t see how they would. I highly doubt Cloud would wear one consistently enough for it to matter. I’m already throwing a bunch of things at him that he doesn’t understand; veritable furniture for his asshole isn’t exactly something I can just sneak in there,” Leon said. Seeing a plethora of colorful glass butt plugs neatly arranged in a row made Leon think of Zell briefly, and he furrowed his brows in response.

“I can’t really see that going over very well, either,” Tifa agreed.

“Maybe later, then,” Tajim said with a shrug.

\------------

“Where’d you two end up going?” Cloud asked once Leon came back to Cid’s place to pick him up. His Carrier had sent Tifa home ahead of him so he could talk to his Charge in peace.

“We stopped by a shop Tifa frequents, then wandered around for a while, and then got a late lunch,” the brunette explained.

“Oh. Fun,” his Charge said, turning to wave goodbye at Cid before coming out onto the sidewalk and falling in step with Leon.

“It was alright, I guess. Learned some things I didn’t really want to learn,” the Carrier said with a shrug.

“Yeah? What would those things be?”

“The intricacies behind custom sex toys, for one.”

“…Oh. That wasn’t what I expected you to say, but okay.”

“Apparently Tifa ordered something that was made from a mold of Zack’s penis? And then… added spikes to it? For reasons I’m not convinced were really as scientific as she says they are? I don’t know.”

“That’s… wow,” Cloud trailed, eyes wide.

“Yeah, it was an adventure. Anyway, how was your day?” Leon asked casually. He furrowed his brows together as his stomach sent a sudden pang of sharp pain into his side. He pressed his hand to the spot and tried to ignore it.

“It was okay. Reasonably busy from what it normally is, I guess. And by that I mean Cid had to cut his storytelling with customers short to about twenty minutes instead of a half hour in order to accommodate the extra four people we saw today. I spent most of my day in the back doing the actual work, though.”

“Sounds like that would’ve made the day go faster than if you had to listen to Cid tell the same story ten times in a day.”

“It did. I didn’t mind. I can help people if they have a specific question but I can’t just sit and bullshit with them the whole time like he can. But, people come in to see him specifically so I guess it doesn’t hinder business any,” Cloud said.

“Charismatic people have that appeal, I suppose,” Leon said. The pain was starting to dull into an ache, but it was persistent and was beginning to make him queasy. His Charge noticed how uncomfortable he was after a few minutes and gave him a concerned look.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I think so. I think my system is still trying to adjust to eating regularly again.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s been like this for a few months. I’d eat, get an upset stomach, feel weird for a while, and then be okay. It got worse as time went on, but I was also lying around not eating, so when finally I did eat my gut had to suddenly wake up and do work, which doesn’t feel great.”

“Is that why you stopped eating so much? Because you felt sick?”

“No. Maybe? I don’t know. I didn’t really notice it until you said something to me, and then I thought back to all the times I just didn’t feel like eating and realized they were more often than the times I actually ate. But the aching hasn’t really gone away since I started to feel better and eat more. It’s just sort of hung around being a nuisance. But it’s also only been a week since I’ve pulled my ass out of the bed. So I have no idea.”

“Should probably get you checked out, though.”

“I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. It’s just annoying. I’m not… shitting blood or anything.”

“Maybe not, but if it hasn’t gone away and has only gotten worse over the course of _months_ then there’s probably more to it than you think. I don’t need to be a doctor to understand that’s a weird problem to have.”

“…You have a point.”

“So let’s go see someone.”

“I’ll be alright. Don’t worry about it. It’s probably just leftover problems and they’ll clear up on their own,” Leon said. Cloud frowned.

“Don’t do that. Don’t dismiss it. If there’s a problem, it needs to be fixed.”

“It’s not a _problem_. It’s just… inconvenient.”

“Leon…”

“Cloud, please. I appreciate your concern but I really don’t think it’s an issue worth worrying over,” the Carrier insisted. In the back of his mind he knew he was lying, but couldn’t bring himself to say anything. The last thing he wanted was to add to anyone’s concern for him. Coupling physical illness with mental illness seemed like a recipe that would only net him a huge dose of everyone being in his business. He didn’t want people to worry about him anymore; he was tired of it.

Before their discussion could divulge into an argument, they heard a scream. The voice sounded very childlike and they wailed away a series of ‘ _let me go’_ and _‘please stop_ ’ sort of statements. It was very close in proximity to their location, but they couldn’t see anyone around. Before Leon could raise questions to his Charge, Cloud took off running and left him in the dust. The blonde sprinted down the sidewalk and rounded the corner that was a short distance away.

The Charge could see the problem as soon as he made it onto the next street over. There was a man trying to pull a young girl down the street by her wrist. A woman in an apron was following after them, trying to talk the man down from whatever he was trying to do. To Cloud, the girl involved looked older than five but younger than ten; an age that didn’t warrant excessive manhandling to control. He didn’t care what the circumstances were; grown men shouldn’t have a reason to handle a child so roughly. The idea made his blood boil before he could even think the situation through completely.

“Hey!” Cloud barked as he ran up and approached the strangers. The girl was screaming apologies at the man holding her arm with tears coating her face. She had long matted hair, wore a tattered sundress, and lacked shoes. It was obvious to him that she was either horribly abused, or homeless. He hoped it wasn’t both.

“This doesn’t concern you, sir,” the woman with the apron said to the blonde. She was obviously distressed as she continued to follow after the pair. Cloud ignored her and jogged to get in front of the man pulling the girl.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” he spat angrily, stopping in front of the assailant so the other man was forced to halt or run into him.

“This doesn’t concern you,” the man replied, coming to rest just a few inches in front of Cloud’s face. The girl flopped to the ground beside him, partially hanging by her arm. The woman in the apron approached them.

“Officer, I really don’ t want to press any charges. This is completely unnecessary,” she pleaded.

“Officer?” the blonde asked, officially looking the assailant over. His eyes were drawn to the big shiny silver badge that was clipped to the other’s belt. He really was a police officer. One in plain clothes, but an officer nonetheless.

“That’s right. And I said this doesn’t concern you,” the civil servant said icily, stepping around Cloud and continuing on his trek. The woman sighed as the blonde watched them walk away for a moment, the girl’s cries echoing in his ears.

“What happened?” Cloud asked.

“I own a convenience store just up the road and the officer caught one of the homeless children stealing a piece of fruit from my display. She wasn’t really stealing, because I don’t mind if she comes and has a few apples every couple of days, but he doesn’t know that. All he saw was shoplifting.”

“But you said you don’t want to press charges.”

“I know. I don’t know why he feels compelled to drag her away like that. It doesn’t feel right.”

“I agree,” Cloud said, turning on his heel to follow after the policeman again.

The whole situation didn’t make any sense to him. Sure, stealing was a crime, but if the person whose possessions are being taken doesn’t actually care that they’re being taken, there wasn’t really a criminal act. Plus, the girl was very young. Also homeless. He felt she should’ve been the lowest rung on the crime ladder and not worth batting an eyelash at. Whatever mischief a child her age could come up with hardly warranted any sort of legal retaliation; not to mention dragging her away like she was the scum of the earth.

It had been a long time since Cloud had felt as angry as he did right then. He could only hear the blood rushing in his ears as he caught up with the offending man. Grabbing onto the officer’s shoulder, he pulled the other back and around until he could get a clear swing. His fist collided with the man’s jaw full force. The officer let out a loud pained grunt, staggered, and let go of the girl’s arm. She scurried away from him back towards the shopkeeper with the apron. The officer wasn’t deterred for long and quickly recovered from the blonde’s assault. He then reared back and attempted to return Cloud’s swing in turn, but the Charge was able to duck to the side and narrowly dodge out of harm’s way.

It was then that everything stopped. Cloud scrambled to his feet again and prepared for another round, but he realized Leon was standing where he had been. With one hand, the Carrier had caught the officer’s wrist and was holding it high above his head. The other hand had hold of the man’s throat. With motionless and expressionless eyes, the Carrier stared the policeman down. Though his face was stony and cold, burning rage seeped from his pores and coated his opponent like a thick salve.

“I didn’t hear anyone give you permission to touch my Charge,” he said, his voice steady and calculated.

The officer worked his jaw for a brief second before letting a fat wad of spit fly from his mouth. It hit Leon in the face immediately and the Carrier scrunched his features up with an angry scowl. He calmly craned his neck to wipe his lips and cheek against his shirtsleeve without letting the officer go. As he finished up and he started to feel sufficiently dry again, his resentment started to get the better of him. Without much effort, he started to squeeze the wrist he had gripped in his hand. Within a few seconds, the man started to scream in pain and try to wrench away out of Leon’s hold. It wasn’t long before a resounding _pop_ was heard as the delicate bones against his palm crunched together and the man let out a wailing cry. The Carrier then shoved him away and he fell to the sidewalk, choking on his pained howls. Leon stepped away from him and brought up the hem of his shirt to wipe the rest of his face dry.

“Leon?” Cloud asked, his voice small and nervous. He had vague remembrances of a swordfight in the forests of Winhill between his Carrier and Sephiroth, but he couldn’t recall being genuinely scared of Leon at the time. Horribly confused, yes, but not _scared_. However, in this setting, and hearing how unearthly calm the brunette was, the situation much more unsettling.

“Yes?” his Carrier replied, his tone normal. Once sufficiently cleaned up for the moment, he let his shirt drop back into place and looked to his Charge with a curious raised brow.

“I… uh…” the blonde trailed stupidly.

“You probably could’ve handled it yourself, but I was angry. Sorry for stealing your thunder.”

“Ah… no. That’s okay,” Cloud said. He watched the Carrier closely as he slowly started scooting more towards the shopkeeper and the girl. Eventually, he was able to pull his attention away from Leon in order to focus on the other pair. The brunette followed him.

“You put yourself at serious risk. You’ll be lucky if he doesn’t call for backup and have you killed,” the woman in the apron said to the Carrier. The girl leaned against her side and clung to her long skirt.

“He wasn’t a real police officer,” Leon said.

“Wh—how do you know that? He had a badge.”

“He would’ve shot me long before I had the opportunity to break his wrist. He didn’t have a firearm. Or any form of defense, for that matter. It’s my understanding that our police force is completely armed in some fashion, is it not?”

“It… is, yes,” the shopkeeper agreed, embarrassment quickly settling on her features.

“Are you okay?” Cloud asked, kneeling down in front of the girl. She nodded quietly, sniffling loudly.

“Where are your parents?” Leon piped. The child stared at him with wide eyes and said nothing.

“I don’t believe she has any,” the woman said, gently rubbing her back. “There’s a sizable group of children that frequent this area and I never see any adults with them. Some of them are older, maybe fifteen or sixteen, but most are around her age.”

“I see. That’s unfortunate,” the Carrier sighed.

Cloud frowned. “Isn’t there somewhere they can go?”

“There might be, but not anywhere near here,” the shopkeeper said. “But it’s alright. For now, I just make sure they have something to eat every now and again; as much as I can afford to give.”

“I’m glad they at least have that much,” the blonde said, standing upright again.

“It’s not a problem. I can take care of her from here,” the woman said. “Thank you for helping, gentlemen. I’ll… be more observant in the future.”

She and the girl left together then, the child holding onto two of her fingers as they walked side by side. Leon and Cloud watched them go until they reached the woman’s store again. Once they were gone, the pair turned their attention back to where the assailant had been. He was gone, and the street was empty. Cloud looked to Leon with cautious eyes. His Carrier had just been complaining about stomach pain, but then exerted himself for his sake. There hadn’t really been a need for him to do so, but Leon had made it abundantly clear that the only reason he stepped in was because Cloud had the potential to be hurt. It didn’t matter how severe that would’ve been, but it was a possibility.

“Are you alright?” the Charge asked. Leon looked to him with raised brows.

“Hm? Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were just telling me about persistent stomach pain and then you ran to catch up with me. Or at least I assume you ran. It would’ve taken you longer to get here had you not.”

“I’m okay,” the Carrier reassured, though he didn’t know if he really was. The pain in his side hadn’t gone away completely and was starting to ease back into place now that his adrenaline had an opportunity to dissipate.

“You’re sure?” Cloud asked.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

\------------------

Walking home from that point on had been an adventure. Nothing else happened, but Cloud’s mind never stopped racing. He was worried about Leon, again, but he couldn’t get over the brunette jumping to his defense so readily. The blonde had come to understand that his Carrier was a very passive person and preferred to talk things over before the situation escalated to violence. So seeing him so adamant about making sure his Charge didn’t get hurt and literally crushing bones in one hand to make sure, was a very jarring picture for Cloud to witness. Leon had done it so coldly and without feeling, too. Then, as they made their way home again, he didn’t even talk about it. Their journey was quiet. Cloud didn’t know what to think of the whole ordeal.

“So, uh…” the blonde trailed as they returned to the bedroom together.

“Hm?” Leon hummed, reaching into his back pocket to remove what looked to be a small package wrapped in paper. It contained the bottles he had purchased from Tajim’s shop, and it was actually just a paper bag folded over on itself. He set it on the table next to his side of the bed.

“What do you think that guy wanted?” Cloud asked, sitting on the mattress.

“He was probably a pedophile on the prowl or something. Saw an opportunity and took it. That shop owner was an idiot, though. I don’t care for our police force, but I know they wouldn’t physically restrain a child like that,” the Carrier said. He sat next to his Charge. The pain he had before was beginning to recede and was just a dull ache by that point. The queasiness was sticking around, but it wasn’t too bad.

“Yeah, I thought that was strange. But um… thanks. For stepping in.”

“I was hoping you wouldn’t bring that up. It’s sort of embarrassing,” Leon admitted, his cheeks turning pink. He looked down at his hands with a bit of a frown.

“What? Why do you say that?”

“Because I sort of lost control and I’m not particularly proud of it. Like I said before; you probably didn’t even need me to do anything but I did it anyway.”

“You saved me from bruising my knuckles. So that’s something.”

“Right… but I also crippled that guy’s wrist; I could’ve just shoved him to the ground and held him until the real police arrived.”

“Well, he did spit in your face. I would’ve hurt him too.”

“I know. To me, it still wasn’t worth that much force.”

“He was also trying to kidnap a kid right in front of us.”

“Yeah… I know. But it’s not my place to harm people like that. Again, I could’ve just held him down.”

“I guess, but I’m more satisfied this way. He got what he deserved,” Cloud said. He leaned over until he could press a kiss to his Carrier’s cheek. “Thanks. Again.”

“You’re welcome,” Leon murmured, the color in his cheeks spreading to the rest of his face.

“I have a question, though.”

“Sure.”

“Do you have to think about being gentler with stuff? Or do you have to concentrate on the strength in order to make it work for you? Breaking bones with one hand is… ‘impressive’ doesn’t really describe it well enough.”

“I used to have to think about being careful, but I don’t anymore. Too many years of repressing the urge made it habit. I did have to consciously think to squeeze his arm though.”

“It makes me think of all the things I’ve done to you and how easily you could’ve killed me,” Cloud said, his expression turning sad. The fact that Leon could’ve stopped him at any time made the blonde’s sins feel so much more damning. He was beginning to upset himself.

“I could’ve,” Leon agreed, watching his Charge’s face droop more.

“Why didn’t you stop me?”

“Because I didn’t want to hurt you. It’s part of the reason I don’t really blame you for anything; I could’ve stopped it at any time.”

“But… that’s…”

“Cloud,” the Carrier said, turning in his seat to face his Charge properly. “Don’t do this to yourself. We’re supposed to be moving forward.”

“I know… I know,” the blonde sighed, mashing the heels of his palms into his eyes.

“I’d like you to forget what I did today, if you can. Don’t think about my strength. I don’t want you to use it as a vice to demean yourself and I don’t want you to be afraid of me accidentally losing control again and hurting something.”

“I’ll try…” Cloud sighed.

“Thank you. I appreciate that more than you can understand.”

“I will use you to lift heavy things so I don’t have to, though.”

“I can do that much.”

“Okay good,” the blonde said. He tried to find something else to talk about, to change the topic and forget it like he said he would, and his eyes fell on the package on the side table. “So is that what you bought while you were out with Tifa?”

“Oh…” Leon said. He had almost forgot about his purchases. Reaching over, he picked up the bag and unfolded it so he could retrieve the bottles it held. Watching Cloud’s expression carefully, he handed them to his Charge without explanation.

“ _Oh_. I see. Lube and… massage oil. Hm,” the blonde said, pressing his mouth into a thin line as his mind abruptly spiraled off into every awkward scenario he could come up with. He wasn’t sure he was prepared enough to experience the embarrassment he was sure he’d have.

“Tifa also suggested we try my candles.”

“Yeah? That’s… interesting.”

“This is a ‘just in case’ sort of preparation. No pressure to do anything anytime soon if you don’t want to.”

“Okay…” Cloud trailed, clearing his suddenly dry throat. “I’ve never used either of these things before, just so you know.”

“I figured. You don’t have to do anything. I can do it for you.”

“Okay…”

“Does this bother you?”

“Sort of, but I’m trying to not let it.”

“Nervous?”

“Yes very much.”

“Well, we’re not doing anything right now, so it’s okay. You can relax,” Leon said, holding his hand out for the containers. Cloud handed them to him and he leaned over again to put them in his side table drawer. “I’ll go to the supply shed at some point and get some condoms too.”

“…Condoms. Right,” the blonde said. _Is this really happening? Am I really going to do this?_ He asked himself.

“We can stop at any time.”

“I know.”

“Are… are you afraid I’ll hurt you?” Leon asked carefully. Cloud furrowed his brows in thought for a moment, but eventually shook his head.

“No. Actually, after everything that’s happened today, I feel like you’ll do everything you can to ensure that you _don’t_ hurt me. And if you do, it’d be an accident,” the blonde said.

“I appreciate your understanding. Thank you.”

“I should be thanking you more often, honestly. I just… I knew you cared. I knew that I’m significant to you. I knew that you’d do anything to protect me. You’ve put yourself at risk, killed for me, and kept control of yourself during… the worst times of your life. But I never really understood the…” Cloud trailed as he tried to come up with the right words. He took a deep breath, suddenly feeling anxious. “I didn’t understand the magnitude and how much effort it must’ve been for you to do all those things until now. And… even though I know I’m pushing myself as much as I feel I can, I don’t feel like I could ever reciprocate that amount of compassion. I just don’t know how.”

“You don’t have to do anything more than what you’re doing now. My purpose – my family – is extremely important to me and just having you present and participating in my life like this is helping me build and live out my goals; which is infinitely more meaningful than anything I’ve ever done for you. To me, anyway. We can argue all we like about who-did-more-than-who, but we won’t ever be able to agree to an end because we will always think the other did more. So, I don’t think either of us should worry about it. I think we should just be… happy with one another. In whatever capacity we can.”

“Happy.”

“Yeah. Do you think that’s possible?” Leon asked.

“… Yeah. Yeah, I do.”


	103. Chapter 103

Chapter 103

“I need your help with something,” Cloud said as he and Zack walked back to the facility side by side. They had just finished up at the gym and were out of earshot of the people Cloud didn’t want listening. The taller Charge raised a brow and looked at the blonde curiously.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Something is really wrong with Leon and he won’t let me help him.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know, but every time he eats he gets a stomach ache and he’s lost a lot of weight. He eats his meals like normal but I can tell he doesn’t want to. I have to basically stare at him to make sure he does. But even with three meals a day he’s losing weight.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… I’m worried. He tries to act like nothing’s wrong, but there’s no way there isn’t.”

“Sounds like it,” Zack said, pushing his brows together worriedly. “Do you know when he had a physical last?”

“No,” Cloud admitted.

“Has your watch told you anything?”

“No.”

“Must not be life threatening yet. If he loses enough weight it’ll start yelling at you that he’s malnourished. But it probably wouldn’t be until he’s almost skeletal.”

“I don’t want to wait for that. I can already see his hip bones whenever he lifts his arms and his shirt rides up a little.”

“Oh. Wow. Okay. I’ll stop by and give him a physical. Or maybe I should skip it and put him in the Diagnostic Care Center.”

“I don’t know how to use that thing.”

“It’s not hard. It’s interpreting the results that takes thought.”

“I don’t know how to do that either.”

“That’s okay. I can show you. How long had he been like this?”

“He says it’s been a few months. But it’s gradually getting worse even if he won’t admit it.”

“ _Months?!_ ” Zack choked, stopping in his tracks and giving Cloud a horrified look. “Why didn’t you say something before?!”

“He just told me last week! I didn’t think he wasn’t eating because there was something wrong with him physically. I just… I just thought he was depressed,” Cloud said dejectedly. He heaved a heavy sigh. “But he’s been eating like he used to and he’s only lost more weight.”

Zack frowned. “Okay…”

“I promise. I’m just stupid and didn’t think. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“You need to say something right away next time.”

“I will.”

“I get what you’re saying, though. I don’t know about other types of Carriers but the feline ones are pretty good about hiding physical problems until it gets really bad. That’s part of their Totem, I think. There’s a lot of debate, though.”

“What would their Totem have to do with it?”

“Generally speaking, wild animals make a specific effort not to show when they’re sick or weak because that opens an opportunity for a fight for dominance or getting eaten. Apex predators are no different. Our Carriers have more in common with their Totems than they like to admit but I don’t know if, say, an avian Carrier is any different.”

“Avian is… birds? Right?” Cloud guessed, attempting to recall some of the things he had learned.

“Yeah,” Zack agreed, giving the blonde a small smile. His companion really was just as clueless as he said he was, but Zack could see the improvement. He started walking again and Cloud followed.

“I’m supposed to be his doctor, right?” the younger Charge asked.

“Technically, yes. But no one is expecting you to be just yet. It’s okay.”

“… I feel responsible. I should’ve made him eat more before.”

“I think if you pushed him too much it would’ve backfired anyway.”

“Think so?”

“Most definitely.”

“…Maybe,” the blonde said with another sigh. He ran a hand through his hair before rubbing the back of his neck. “Should I be there when you give him a physical? He has to get undressed doesn’t he?”

“He does, but I’ll let him decide if he’s okay with you hanging around.”

\--------------

Leon was tired. He had slept enough, ate enough, and didn’t really feel depressed, but he was tired. He had done a fair amount of work once Cloud left to go to the gym with Zack, and he figured he could take a break and catch a nap. But when he tried, he found he couldn’t sleep. He was worried about himself. He still hadn’t been able to eat a meal without getting an upset stomach, and unbeknownst to his Charge, he had actually vomited on a couple of occasions. It was a new development in a long list of problems he was beginning to have, and though he knew he should’ve said something, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. However, he didn’t have to.

“Leon?” Cloud piped as he pushed the bedroom door open carefully. The blonde peeked into the room and spied his Carrier lying in the bed with his face in the pillows.

“Hm?” the brunette grunted.

“Zack is here,” his Charge said. Leon heaved a heavy sigh and slowly pushed himself up until he could see the door clearly.

“Does he need something?” the Carrier asked.

“He says he got an e-mail from the Technicians. I guess it’s been too long since you’ve gotten a physical and they want him to write a report since I can’t yet.”

“…Oh. Can’t it wait? I’d like a nap.”

“It’s due in a couple days and Zack has plans later he needs to keep,” Cloud lied. He shuffled into the bedroom properly and dropped off his gym bag.

“Great,” Leon grumbled, throwing himself at the pillows again with a tired mutter.

“Why so cranky?”

“Because I don’t like physicals.”

“I don’t think anyone does, honestly.”

“That may be true, but it doesn’t help me feel better.”

“Well… it’s good to get done and it needs to happen anyway. Should get it over with quickly.”

“Yeah… fine,” Leon huffed as he rolled out of bed.

Zack was waiting for them in the lab when they arrived. He forced a smile when the pair appeared in the doorway, but inside he was troubled. Cloud’s description of Leon’s ailment was accurate as well as obvious. Had the blonde not said anything, Zack would’ve noticed had he just seen Leon in passing at some point. He was glad the other Charge did say something, though. It told him a lot about how much Cloud had changed and actually cared about Leon’s wellbeing. However, the fact that the Carrier never said anything to anyone directly was upsetting. Zack wondered if the brunette would ever say anything until it was too late. He doubted it.

“Hey,” he said nonchalantly when Leon and Cloud approached.

“Are you excited as I am for this? Because I’m fucking _thrilled_ ,” the Carrier spat sarcastically as he pushed himself up onto the exam table.

“Not really,” Zack said. Cloud took a seat off to the side and watched them curiously.

“How much of a physical are we doing? Do I need to get undressed?” Leon asked.

“Yes. But honestly? I don’t even want to touch you. Just looking at you tells me you need to get in the Care Center for a scan,” the older Charge said, motioning over to the giant machine off to the side of the lab. The brunette furrowed his brows.

“I don’t want to. I’m fine,” he lied.

“Uh, no you’re not; you’re about five pounds away from being skeletal.”

“No I’m not,” Leon said, looking down at his arms.

“Okay, maybe seven pounds.”

“You’re exaggerating.”

“No, I’m really not.”

“…This wasn’t mandated by the Technicians at all, was it? I feel like I’m being ambushed here,” the Carrier said, glancing at Cloud with a bit of an acidic glare. The blonde dropped his gaze to the floor.

“You’re right, it wasn’t mandated. But what I can do is report your condition and _make_ it be mandated. Your choice,” Zack said, folding his arms over his chest. He had been fully prepared to go through the whole process and give Leon an actual physical because he hoped it wasn’t as bad as Cloud said it was. Next to the exam table was a wheeled cart he had stocked with everything he would need. But now it was going unused. He didn’t want to bother with it.

“Go ahead. I don’t want to do this unless I have to,” Leon said spitefully.

“Leon…” Cloud trailed sadly, forcing the Carrier to focus on him. The blonde was staring at him with wide pleading eyes. “Please do as he says. I’m really worried about you and I didn’t know how else to help. You can be angry about it afterward,” his Charge said. The guilt hit Leon in the chest like a sharp spike.

“Fine,” the Carrier sighed, giving in. Cloud immediately perked up and seemed relieved, which only made Leon feel worse.

“I don’t have to stay if you’re uncomfortable,” the blonde volunteered. The brunette thought the idea over carefully for a moment. He eventually shook his head.

“No… I have to get used to this eventually, don’t I? For more than one reason.”

“Ah… yeah, I guess that’s true,” Cloud agreed nervously. He glanced at Zack who was staring at Leon with a raised brow.

“Interesting,” the older Charge said suspiciously.

“Is there a problem?” Leon asked him, pulling his shirt up and over his head.

“Not yet. Not that I’m aware of. If it becomes one, I’ll let you know,” Zack said.

“If you say so,” the Carrier agreed. He shuffled off the exam table and headed towards the Diagnostic Care Center.

Zack watched Cloud carefully for a moment as the blonde looked to the floor sheepishly. Eventually the older Charge went to meet up with Leon and help him into the Care Center’s tubular chamber. The Carrier was extremely hesitant to take off his shorts at first, but Cloud kept his eyes averted, which made it easier. Zack stood between him and his Charge and watched him expectantly, but that was almost as bad as having Cloud stare at him. After several minutes of mental preparation, Leon sighed heavily and slowly peeled off the remainder of his clothing before stepping into the cylinder of glass. Feeling horrendously exposed, he hugged himself and huddled against the far wall of the tube with his back to them both. Zack was quick to close the chamber door and start the filling sequence.

“I’ve never used this thing before,” Cloud mumbled as he made his way over to the machine.

“That’s a good thing. It’s a useful piece of equipment; it can give us more data than just plugging in their Link to the terminals can. However, I hate using it,” Zack said, poking at the flat touch buttons in quick succession. The blonde was mesmerized with how easily the older Charge maneuvered the interface.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because it means something’s wrong,” the other Charge said simply.

“Oh. I suppose that’s true.”

“Mhm. Very true,” Zack agreed. He took a deep breath and stepped back from the terminal and focused his attention on Cloud. “So… since I have you by yourself…”

“I can go get someone so I’m _not_ by myself if this is the beginning of a conversation I don’t want to have,” Cloud said with obvious apprehension in his voice. Zack’s eyes narrowed on him and a crease formed in his brow.

“Don’t get cute with me. I’m concerned.”

“…About?”

“Whatever Leon implied by ‘I have to get used to this for more than one reason.’ Because… I don’t know if you understand the gravitas behind how much love Tifa and I have for him. I’m not stupid, Cloud. Tifa told me what they bought together when they went shopping. It’s pretty obvious what Leon meant,” the older Charge said, stepping closer to the blonde. Cloud scowled and crossed his arms over his chest, undeterred and immediately defensive. “I need you to know, that if you hurt him again, there will be consequences. If he tells you to stop, you stop. If he tells you ‘no’ then you don’t. If he—“

“I get it. I won’t rape him anymore. I got bored of it, anyway,” Cloud said snidely.

“Do you think this is a joke?”

“No. But you sticking your nose into our business like this is not only really infuriating, it’s fucking insulting.”

“I don’t give a damn if you’re insulted or not. I don’t care if you’re angry, either. I’m just making sure you understand what’ll happen if you fuck up again. I don’t trust you.”

“Whether you trust me or not is irrelevant. You’re not the one I share a bed with. You have _no_ idea what we’ve agreed on, what Leon has planned, and what I’m willing to do. And you never will. Because fuck you. I won’t come to you for anything anymore if this is what you’re going to be like,” Cloud said icily.

“I don’t need to know the details to make sure you’re not going to make more mistakes.”

“And how would you know about them, exactly? Correct me if I’m wrong, but you didn’t even know Leon was sick when his body is literally showing it. If you miss obvious signs like that, I can’t imagine how many subtle ones will go whizzing past your head. I’m not going to go out of my way to fuck this up, I promise, but bringing our relationship into question before it even starts tells me you doubt Leon’s judgment just as much as you don’t trust mine.”

“I don’t understand why he kept you. It’ll never make sense to me. I’ve called his judgment into question _long_ before you came home. I think he’s holding onto an ideal scenario that doesn’t exist. This is very much a no-win scenario here. You may have the façade of someone who’s changed, but I’m not convinced yet. No amount of sushi is going to fix it. Tifa agrees.”

“Of course she fucking does. Why would she disagree with you? Now, if she agreed with _me_ on something, that’d be mind blowing.”

“My point is: she’s backing me up on this. She hits a lot harder than I can. Remember that.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. If I put something in his way and Leon stubs his toe, I’ll get my spine removed,” Cloud said dismissively. He tried to walk past Zack and step up to the terminal. The older Charge put a hand on his chest and pushed him back to where he was.

“You’re not taking this seriously enough and I’m getting pissed. We’re not talking about tiny grievances, Cloud. This is a huge deal—“

“I know!” the blonde yelled, cutting rest of the words off before they could leave Zack’s throat. He stepped up to the other Charge’s personal space and looked him in the eye. He had to look up to do so, but Zack’s stature didn’t faze him. “Do you think I need you to tell me that? Huh? Do you _really_ think I need to hear this again? Because I don’t! I see it every time he flinches away from me without realizing it! I hear it every time his breathing stops because I got too close without him noticing! I feel it when his hands are shaking when he doesn’t want them to! I get it! I hurt him! I fucked up! But he’s still willing to try this, and therefore, the only opinion that matters is his!” Cloud said, his voice angry and strained. He stepped back and resumed his guarded posture with his hands crossed over his chest before continuing.

“So. Fuck. Off. You don’t get to dictate what is and what isn’t a mistake anymore. We’re trying to move on from all of that. If you want to sit in the past and stew in it, that’s fine. I don’t blame you. But we’re not going to sit there and indulge your inability to let go. The most important person in this equation has forgiven me. The rest of you don’t matter,” the blonde said with a shrug. He brushed past Zack and stepped to the terminal’s display. “Now tell me what’s wrong with him. I don’t know what I’m looking at,” he said.

“I thought you weren’t going to come to me for anything anymore,” Zack said. He was unimpressed with Cloud’s tirade.

“And I thought you had an unspeakable amount of love for Leon. I must’ve missed the part where this whole thing became something that only benefitted me and not him. Trust me: once I learn all of this well enough, I won’t ask again,” the blonde reassured.

Zack sighed and came to stand next to him. He had set the Diagnostic Care Center to do as full body scan of Leon as soon as the filling sequence had finished. The scan had just ended and the data was blipping by as the machine compiled it together to form a coherent story for what was wrong with the Carrier. The algorithms saw it fit to present the results as a series of PET scan cross sections of Leon’s abdomen. There were two problems to look at, and it presented the most pressing first. There was a sizable lump that had grown off the side of the Carrier’s small intestine; the duodenum region, specifically. Cloud didn’t know what to look for so he had no idea what was happening, but to Zack, he could see that the mass had very clear edges and seemed contained in that one spot. It didn’t look to be spreading. The lump was more of a concern because of its size rather than it being a malicious entity; it was a bit bigger than a walnut.

“Well that explains a few things,” Zack said with a discouraged sigh. He leaned in and pointed to the mass. “That’s not supposed to be there.”

“Oh.”

“Do you know what your small intestine does?”

“Ah…” Cloud trailed, scrunching his face up as he thought for a moment. “That’s the part that does most of the food processing stuff, right?”

“Yes. As far as tumors go, this thing is pretty big. It’s probably been growing for a few years now. But it’s gotten to the point where it’s so large and intrusive that it’s preventing Leon from getting everything he needs out of his food. So…”

“He lost weight.”

“Right.”

“So what do we do about it?”

“Go in there and remove it. I’ll have to submit a report and put in a request for a surgical center to be available to us. There’s a clinic that’s relatively close that we use.”

“Okay…”

“You’ll be coming with us.”

“But I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Doesn’t matter. You’ve got to learn somehow, right?”

“…I guess?”

“I’ll probably do most of the work. It’ll be fine. There’s another thing here, though,” Zack said, flipping to the next diagnosis screen. He snorted back a laugh. “I’m sorry, this shouldn’t be funny.”

“You’re damn right it shouldn’t be. The fuck is wrong with you?” Cloud asked angrily, giving the other Charge a glare.

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just… he’s got another little lipoma in his ass.”

“A _what_?”

“He’s got a lump in his butt.”

“I get those sometimes too; that’s what toilets are for.”

“No,” Zack said, laughing a bit. “In very very simple terms, it’s the same idea as what’s in his gut, but in the fat on his ass. He probably doesn’t even know it’s there. They’re usually painless.”

“So do we just leave it there if it isn’t bothering anything?”

“No, it’ll be removed too, probably.”

“Okay,” Cloud said. He heaved a heavy breath and tried to relax a little. The residual anger he felt towards Zack wasn’t helping him process the seriousness behind Leon’s situation. His Carrier needed surgery. That wasn’t a good thing. The older Charge could see the struggle on the blonde’s face.

“I’m not worried. You don’t have to be either.”

“I’d feel better if I actually understood all of this.”

“Well, are you familiar with cancer at all? The disease?” Zack asked as he turned back to the terminal. He saved the reports and started the chamber’s drainage process. Leon didn’t need to be in the tube anymore.

“I vaguely remember Leon telling me that’s what my foster mother died from. That’s what it is? Lumps in places they shouldn’t be?”

“There’s way more to it than that, but that’s the basic idea.”

“Is… he going to die?”

“Oh, no way. Having cancer here and cancer in Midgar are two different beasts. Cancer is extremely common here. We know how to deal with it. We have the ability to fix it easily. The only time we have to seriously worry is if it’s in his brain. We can’t fix brains. But guts and ass fat? No big deal. Regardless, the likelihood of these things of his being the sort of cancer that’ll spread and cause serious problems is very very small. It has to look less like a clean ball and more like a nondescript smear.”

“Okay,” Cloud sighed. He wasn’t convinced.

“I promise.”

“You’d understand if I feel like your word is complete and utter bullshit right now, right?”

“Well, like you said, this is about Leon. So I have no reason to lie.”

“Whatever,” the blonde grumbled crankily.

Zack left him by the terminal to retrieve an oversized blanket that served the dual purpose of being a towel as well. He went to go stand by the Care Center’s cylindrical chamber as the liquid inside slowly lowered. Cloud could easily see what the older Charge was doing and was immediately bothered. He huffed his way over to the tube and nudged Zack away from it. He then snatched the blanket out of his hands and sent him a nasty glare. The other Charge rolled his eyes and wandered away. Cloud then waited patiently for the tube to drain and the door to unlock.

Leon huddled at the bottom of the chamber hugging his knees with his back to the door. He pulled the breathing tube from his mouth and let it fall back into place; it clattered against the opposite wall of the cylinder. Shivering was quick to set in and he gently shook in place as the quaking ran through him against his control. There was a certain level of anxiety flowing through his veins. Not being able to see or hear whatever his diagnosis was as it happened had been more nerve wracking than he thought it would be. It felt like he had been in the chamber for hours as his brain rattled and try to explain what was wrong with him, but it had only been a few minutes.

“Hey,” Cloud said gently, draping the blanket towel over Leon’s head and shoulders. The Carrier startled and quickly looked over his shoulder at his Charge with wide eyes.

“Don’t sneak up on me like that,” he muttered shakily.

“There was no way you didn’t hear the door open. Don’t give me that.”

“I expected you to be Zack,” Leon said, pulling the cloth around himself.

“Surprise?” Cloud guessed with a shrug.

“I tried, but he wouldn’t let me,” the older Charge piped from a short distance away.

“Wouldn’t let you?” the Carrier questioned as Cloud helped him stand. He hugged the blanket around himself and held it closed with one hand as the other wiped at his dripping hair.

“Zack was saying things he shouldn’t,” the blonde said simply.

“Was he?”

“Yeah. He and Tifa are apparently waiting on the sidelines for me to fuck up again. Threatened me with bodily harm, and everything. It was quite a conversation.”

“Oh. How p-polite,” Leon said sarcastically, a fit of shivering stopping him briefly before he could continue. He looked to Zack.

“Oh darn. Tattled on,” the older Charge said. He crossed his arms over his chest.

Cloud scowled. “Tattled? This isn’t really a topic that should warrant reactions a six year old would give.”

“I found it funny that you even bothered to tell Leon. I half expected you to say ‘Eh! He was being mean to me!’ Worried you can’t defend yourself?” Zack said mockingly.

Leon sat in the nearest chair he could find. “‘Tattling’ is basically reporting something someone did that was wrong, right? You called it that yourself. And the fact that you feel like belittling him for simply talking about a conversation you two had implies to me that you’re ashamed of it and know it was wrong. Am I incorrect?”

“All I told him was that if he fucks up, there’ll be consequences. That was all. If he doesn’t fuck up, then everything is fine,” Zack explained.

“Thanks for defending me, dad. But you can mom can stop at anytime,” the brunette said.

“I’m just looking out—“

“I get it, Zack,” Leon interrupted. He shook his head with a tired sigh. “I appreciate your concern but I don’t appreciate you undermining my progress and thinking I can’t handle myself. Cloud and I have an understanding. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“What understanding would that be?”

“He understands I’m not afraid to fight back,” Leon said.

“Right,” Cloud agreed.

“That’s fine,” Zack said.

“Also,” the Carrier continued, “what we choose to do and how we do it together is none of your business.”

“I don’t need to know _what_ you’re doing—“

“I get it,” Leon repeated, giving the older Charge a sharp look. “I would like my diagnosis now, please.”

“Fine,” Zack sighed. He headed back to the terminal’s screen and brought up the PET scan. Leon could immediately see the issue in his abdomen.

“Wonderful,” the Carrier said with a grumble. He pulled the blanket down over his head more in an attempt to hide.

“Zack said it wasn’t a big deal. Is that true?” Cloud asked.

“Well, it could be a bigger deal, I guess. I should’ve assumed a mass was the problem. I feel sort of stupid for not considering it before.”

“Why’s that?”

“Remember back in Winhill when Sephiroth was coming after us? He electrocuted me?”

“Ah, yeah. I do.”

“Ansem said that I have to watch out for tumors and growths like these because of that. Carriers and electricity don’t mix very well. I didn’t think I’d have a problem this soon, though. I guess it’s been a while since then, but still.”

“I didn’t know you were electrocuted,” Zack quipped.

“It’s not exactly something I like talking about, and I’ve had little reason to bring it up in general conversation,” Leon said.

“True.”

“Zack also said you have a labium in your butt,” Cloud added. Both Leon and Zack immediately burst into laughter.

“A _lipoma_ ,” Zack said, his words and laughter divulging into hoarse squeaks as he ran out of air.

“Right, what did I say? What’s so funny?”  the blonde asked confusedly, the embarrassment settling in. His face was turning redder as the seconds ticked by.

“Labium,” Leon said between laughs. It took him a moment to calm enough to speak. “You basically told me I have several labia in my ass. You know… the outside bits of a vagina.”

“…Oh. I’m going to go sit in a corner,” Cloud said, wandering away from them. He found the nearest place where the walls met and sat on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest. His face remained the same color as a strawberry for quite some time.

“I’m sorry. Come back,” Leon said, the last of his laughs fading slowly. “It was just so abrupt. Caught me off guard. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

“Oh my god,” Zack said, wiping the tears from his eyes as he tried to control himself. “That was amazing.”

“I’ll stay over here, thanks,” the blonde mumbled, settling his face against his knees.

“Aw, no. Come back,” Leon encouraged, holding a hand out to him. Cloud shook his head and the Carrier dropped his arm with a frown.

“Anyway,” Zack continued, motioning to the terminal’s screen. “I’ll send a report to the Technicians and they’ll get back to us about surgery and the like. They’ll most likely want to remove both masses.”

“That’s fine,” the Carrier agreed. The older Charge turned to the screen and started typing away. The report was sent within a few seconds.

“If that’s all you need from me, I’m gonna get going.”

“I can’t think of anything.”

“M’kay. See you later,” Zack said. Leon gave him a tiny wave as he headed for the doors.

Once they were alone, the Carrier shuffled out of his seat and went to pull on his shorts. He kept himself covered with the blanket as he did so, but let it fall away once he was ready to put on his shirt. Combing his fingers through his hair, he turned back to Cloud and found that the blonde hadn’t been paying attention to him. His Charge was staring listlessly off to the side at nothing in particular. Leon went to go sit next to him. Cloud briefly glanced at him but didn’t react otherwise. The Carrier leaned against his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to laugh,” he said.

“It’s fine,” Cloud mumbled.

“I obviously hurt your feelings.”

“It wasn’t just that. It was the buildup of everything Zack said too. You’re right; it’s really hard to move past things when you’re constantly reminded of it.”

“You’re not going to fuck up again. At least, not to the scale Zack was talking about. You’re allowed to make some mistakes. I don’t mind.”

“I know,” his Charge sighed. “I just… I thought we were getting along okay. I don’t blame him for how he feels but I just sort of wish he hadn’t made it feel like he was my friend beforehand. I feel stupid for saying the wrong term, but I feel even more stupid for letting him fool me like that.”

“I don’t think he would go to the gym and spend time with you if he wasn’t at least a little friendly.”

“He probably tolerates me because you ask him to.”

“I don’t know,” Leon said with a shallow shrug.

“No, I’m pretty sure that’s what he does. He doesn’t really talk to me when we’re actually at the gym. We make small talk on the way there and on the way back, but he’s much more social with just about everyone else but me. And that’s okay. Like I said; I just feel stupid for thinking things that didn’t actually exist. I don’t blame him,” Cloud explained.

“Both he and Tifa do that sometimes. They seem fine but then something happens and they flip a switch and get really intrusive and turn on the parent vibe. Tifa is really bad for it. Zack’s not so much. Give him a day or so and he’ll be fine again.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it,” the blonde said. He let go of his legs and sat properly with his back against the wall. Leon did the same.

“Should take a break from going to the gym with him, maybe,” the Carrier said.

“Yeah, I think I will. But…”

“But?”

“I was going to take a break anyway. I’m more concerned about you.”

“I’ll be okay,” Leon said.

“Still… I don’t like this.”

“It’s not great, but I’m not going to die. The unfortunate reality is that it’s something that I – we – have to get used to. Just because we’re going to remove these ones doesn’t mean we’re in the clear forever.”

“Yeah…”

“Can I be a little bit of an asshole for a second?”

“I guess.”

“I sort of like how upset you are. Makes me feel cared about,” Leon said with a tiny smile. Cloud’s cheeks turned a bit pink.

“Yeah, well… I can’t help thinking that this is sort of indirectly my fault. The only reason you fought and got shocked was because I was there.”

“By that logic then this is my fault for picking you in the first place. So, if you want to be that way, you can, but it ultimately loops back into my decision to find you so you might as well get over it now.”

“I guess.”

“Glad you agree. For now, though, I would like to go back to bed. I need to shower first but I’m also really tired. If that’s okay with you.”

“Yeah,” Cloud agreed. He pushed himself up and stood. He turned and offered his hands to Leon and helped pull the Carrier to his feet.

\----------------------------------------------

That evening, the pair received a call from one of Ansem’s Technicians about the report that had been submitted. Both Leon and Cloud answered and were presented with a mousy young woman that had a kind demeanor. She was a welcome change to their experiences with most Technicians as she explained the situation to them warmly and offered answers to all their questions. She was very reassuring.

“Do you have any schedule restrictions? Or should we make time for surgery whenever we can?” she asked them. Leon looked to Cloud, who shrugged.

“Cloud has a part-time job to consider. That’d be the only thing,” the Carrier said.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. I’m pretty sure if I told Cid about this he’d insist I take time off,” the blonde said.

“Part-time job?” the Technician asked curiously. She looked to Leon. “That doesn’t bother you?”

“No. Should it?” he answered.

“I suppose not. I’m just so used to seeing pairs being glued together at the hip. That’s intriguing.”

“We haven’t gotten far enough into his studies to where he can help with much and instead of sitting around doing nothing, he wanted to work. Is that bad?” Leon questioned.

“Not necessarily, no. But it should be documented in his records.”

“Oh. For what purpose?”

“So we can know the situation if something happens to you and he’s not around, mostly. We’d like to know who and where to call and that sort of thing.”

“I hadn’t considered that,” Leon said. He glanced at Cloud before looking to the woman again. “Did you want to do that now?”

“No, no, it’s not pressing. You can do it whenever,” she said.

“Good because I don’t even remember the address to the shop. I just sort of find it,” Cloud said. The woman laughed.

“Anyway, like I said, whenever is fine. Don’t worry too much, but it would be to your benefit to get it submitted as soon as possible. For the surgery, though, do you have people lined up to help or should we find them for you?”

“There’s at least one,” Leon said, thinking of Zack.

“We’ll have a to find a few more, then. The mass is too big to be removed via endoscopy.”

“Great,” Leon sighed. “Am I able to get a graft on the incision? I really don’t want more scars on myself.”

“I don’t see why that would be a problem, but I’ll have to ask.”

“Please do.”

“Did you want one for the lipoma as well?”

“Preferably.”

“Aw, butt scars give people character, though,” Cloud quipped. The woman giggled. Leon sent him a tiny glare.

“It’s bad enough I have to get this done. I don’t need commentary from the peanut gallery,” he grumbled, the returned his focus to the Technician. “Do I need to get both removed in the same surgery? It’s going to be hell to try and find a position to be in where I don’t squash either place. I can’t sit, I can’t lie on my back, I can’t lie on my stomach…”

“It’s more cost effective to do it this way, I’m afraid. As it stands, Ansem wants you to get scanned in the Care Center once a year as he anticipates this to be a persistent problem. So they’re already looking to invest money into your long term care. If we don’t need to spend money on two rounds of anesthesia and blood transfusions where appropriate, we won’t. Carrier-strength anesthesia is very expensive. Plus, you should do your recovery in the Care Center. You don’t have to figure out a position at all that way.”

“Eh…” Leon trailed with a bit of a frown.

“Not appealing?” the woman asked.

“No.”

“It’d make your recovery infinitely more comfortable, though.”

“I know. But, I’ll see how it goes. It bothers me that I can’t even teach Cloud for a week or however long I’d be out for. But if this really sucks and I’m in too much pain, I’ll probably feel differently.”

“I’ll leave that up to you. Just don’t be stubborn and cause more damage to yourself. If you do, and you need another surgery, I’m sure you’ll be charged for it.”

“Understood.”

“Okay. I’ll speak with Ansem and see when he wants to do this and we’ll e-mail you the details and what you should do pre-op. Please follow our instructions exactly,” the woman said.

“Will do,” Leon agreed.

“We shall see each other soon, then.”

The transmission ended and the room was plunged into silence. Leon sighed heavily and looked to his Charge. He was sitting so Cloud was standing next to him, and he had to look up to see the blonde’s face. His Charge still seemed upset and looked down at him with a tiny tired smile. Seeing Cloud upset over his condition broke his heart a little even though it fueled his subconscious desire to be cared for. In an effort to offer his Charge some reassurance, he reached both arms up towards him. Cloud leaned down and hugged him tightly. Leon held him in place, and after a while, the blonde knelt down next to him and leaned against him, settling his arms around the Carrier’s waist. Leon rested his cheek against the other’s hair.

“Are you still blaming yourself?” the brunette asked softly.

“Sorry,” his Charge replied quietly.

“I’ll be fine.”

“I know. Still can’t help it.”

“Well, then let’s hope they schedule the procedure soon so we can work on moving past it.”


	104. Chapter 104

Chapter 104

“Here, take this as a souvenir. Hang it on your wall,” Zack said from behind his surgical mask, holding out his hand to Cloud. It was balled into a fist and obviously had something in it. His blonde counterpart didn’t want it. He knew what it was. The older Charge’s gloved hand was covered in blood and had just come from the hole that was cut into Leon’s abdomen.

“Thanks,” the blonde grumbled, holding his palm open.  Zack handed him a rounded discolored bloodied mass. One of the nurses helping them held out a metal surgical pan to him and he dumped the nodule into it.

“Sorry, can’t take this one with you. We need to test it and make sure it’s as benign as we think it is,” the woman said simply.

“I’m heartbroken,” Cloud said blandly. She laughed a bit under her breath.

The surgical team consisted of Zack, one other Charge Cloud couldn’t remember the name of, a Technician, and a couple of nurses. Cloud was present, but observing for the majority of the procedure so far. The nurses told him they were impressed by his ability to not be completely disgusted by everything he was seeing. Most Charges were at first, apparently. The blood and literal guts didn’t bother him, but the fact that it was Leon did. It was hard for him to imagine being the Carrier’s doctor. He wasn’t confident he could learn everything he needed to; it was all so overwhelming. Even as he stood there, watching Zack work as if it was child’s play, he didn’t think he’d ever be very good at it. He wasn’t even sure he could help Leon during his recovery; he just wasn’t smart enough.

Cloud only got his hands properly dirty when it was time to remove the smaller tumor from his Carrier’s buttcheek. The lump was close to the surface and didn’t take much effort to get to. Removing the offending bump wasn’t that difficult either. Zack had to hover over him and guide his hands, though. But by the end of it, the blonde had a better understanding of how to excavate easy-to-get-to subcutaneous bumps from wherever Leon needed it. He had been warned time and time again that tumors were something they both would need to get used to. The problem would follow Leon for the rest of his life.

The Carrier would spend the remainder of the day and the entire night in the hospital. Zack and the other Charge that had helped with the surgery took Cloud to lunch once they had the opportunity to. The blonde didn’t eat much. They tried to congratulate him on a successful surgery, but Cloud’s mood had been swirling the drain ever since he knew Leon needed surgery in the first place. He only heard parts of whatever they said to him and had to ask them to repeat themselves several times. Once lunch was over, they parted ways and Cloud went to sit with Leon in his recovery room. Zack went to meet up with Tifa, who was waiting in the reception area for him.

It was eerily quiet in the recovery room as the blonde settled in to the armchair that had been pulled up next to Leon’s bed. His Carrier was sedated, and would be for a while still, but to Cloud he looked dead. The intravenous antibiotics fixed to Leon’s hand looked like thin tentacles trying to bore their way under his skin to hurt him. They were irrational thoughts, he knew, but he couldn’t help himself. Crushing guilt was slithering its way through his muscles, and though he tried to distract himself with his tablet, he couldn’t. He would attempt to read, or study, or wander the internet aimlessly, but his eyes would eventually slide back to Leon as he waited for the Carrier to wake up. He didn’t sleep that night.

“Isn’t his suicide watch almost over?” Tifa asked Zack curiously when they returned the next day. They were watching Cloud through the window into Leon’s recovery room. The blonde hadn’t left Leon’s side and had gotten distracted from his schoolwork again. He was watching his Carrier intently with his elbow propped up on the arm of the chair and his cheek resting against the backs of his fingers.

“Yeah. He’s right on the cusp, I think. Only a week or two more,” Zack said.

“Do you think he’s okay to be left alone?” Tifa asked.

Zack shrugged. “To be left alone? I don’t know. I don’t really think he’s living for himself anymore,” the older Charge said. His Carrier furrowed her brows confusedly.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Look at him; he looks completely lost. He barely spoke yesterday. He has no idea what to do with himself,” the Charge said.

“We’re talking about the same person, right? Same Cloud? He just looks bored to me. I don’t understand how you’ve read into this so much.”

“You haven’t spent much time with him lately. There’s quiet Cloud and then there’s Cloud like _that_ ,” Zack said, pointing to the blonde in question. “That’s moping if I’ve ever seen it.”

“If you say so,” Tifa dismissed. “So he’s upset Leon isn’t well. That doesn’t tell me what you mean by him not living for himself anymore.”

“Well what do you think would happen if Leon just up and died right now?”

“And it isn’t Cloud’s fault?”

“Right. Not his fault.”

“I have no idea. He’d probably be upset.”

“Do you think he’d come back from it? Continue living his life to the fullest?”

“Not right away, but I think he could.”

“I disagree. I don’t think he likes himself enough to do that.”

“You’re telling me that if Leon up and dies, Cloud is automatically going to give up and go with him?”

“He might. At this point in his life, it’s really possible. You didn’t hear him talk the other day. The only thing that matters is Leon. He didn’t say anything to me that told me that he believed he was worth more than whatever Leon told him he was. He told me he wasn’t going to go out of his way to fuck up more than he already had, but he didn’t say he wouldn’t. I don’t think he trusts himself to not do something stupid again, and I think that scares him. But Leon seems to think Cloud won’t do anything stupid anymore. And I think that’s enough for Cloud to not give up right now.”

“But if Leon wasn’t here…”

“I think Cloud would’ve destroyed himself months ago.”

“I guess I can see that. The whole reason he’s on watch is because he was upset over everything he did. Right? I assumed he would get over it. He seemed to get over it just fine in the past.”

“Yeah, well, something happened somewhere along the line that made him reevaluate his life more. Just about the only things I ever hear him doing that benefits only him are working for Cid and going to the gym. And even then, half the conversations we have when we’re walking to Cid’s, to the gym, or home again are about Leon.”

“Really? I mean, I know Leon was trying to get into his pants but I didn’t think about it as anything more than seizing an opportunity. Do you think they’ve done it yet? Think that’s what made him so attached?” Tifa asked curiously.

“I have no idea. Things have certainly taken a turn when we weren’t looking,” Zack said.

“Actually, now that I think about it, the bigger question might be whether or not we’d even notice if they did fuck around. They’re both really bad at expressing themselves.”

“I know, right?” the Charge agreed. He sighed. “I suppose we should get in there and see what we can see.”

“Yeah,” Tifa said. She knocked on the door gently before Zack nudged it open. Cloud didn’t react and just kept staring at Leon listlessly.

“Cloud?” Zack piped. The blonde startled and whipped his attention to them with wide eyes.

“Oh. Hey,” the younger Charge said, relaxing back in his seat again. “What did you need?” he asked.

“Nothing. Just stopping by to make sure everything is going as it should,” Tifa said. Cloud shrugged.

“It is as far as anyone’s told me. They gave him the skin graft thing and they’re just waiting for it to dry more before they wake him up. I’m just… sitting.”

“You look tired.”

“I’m _always_ tired.”

“But you look especially so today,” Tifa said.

“I don’t sleep well in hospital beds,” Cloud deflected. She and Zack didn’t need to know about his reliance on Leon to put him to sleep.

Zack smiled a bit. “I don’t think anyone does.”

“I guess,” the blonde agreed begrudgingly. He was still annoyed at Zack for his random tirade earlier in the week. He appreciated the older Charge’s help with getting Leon well, but now he was ready for him to go away for a while. As soon as Zack came around him now, he felt judged. Continually. Even if he wasn’t doing anything. He sighed. “So that’s your status update. Did you need something else?”

“Trying to rush us out of here so quickly?”

“Forgive me for not being _thrilled_ to see you. Thanks for helping me remove Leon’s lumps, but the surgery is over, and he isn’t awake, so there’s no reason for you to be here. If he dies, you’ll figure it out in two months when you decide to pay attention again,” the younger Charge said spitefully.

“Wow! So hostile,” Zack said, raising his brows.

“I feel like I’m missing something,” Tifa said.

“Did you not tell Tifa about how much of an asshole you were?” Cloud asked.

“No, because I wasn’t being an asshole. I was just making sure you and I were on the same page.”

“What did you say?” the woman asked, focusing on her Charge.

“I told him that if he hurts Leon again, there will be problems. That’s it.”

“Oh,” Tifa said. She looked to Cloud. “Can you blame him?”

“No. I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I have to be happy to see him,” the blonde said.

“He has a point,” Tifa agreed.

“I would like you to leave, if that’s all you want,” Cloud said.

“I was sort of hoping to be here when Leon woke up,” the woman said.

“That’s not for a while yet. I’ll call you when it’s almost time.”

“You promise?”

“No. But I’ll try to remember.”

“…That doesn’t fill me with much confidence.”

“Then tell the nurses to let you know and wait out in the reception area. Either way, I would like to be by myself,” Cloud grumbled. Tifa sighed.

“Fine, fine,” she relented. Zack looked to her with furrowed brows.

“No way! You can’t just give in like that! He’s being a prick!”

“Why? Because someone he cares about isn’t well and he’s upset? And then someone he’s angry at barges in and invades his space? Did you not hear all the things you told me in the hallway? I’d feel a lot less like an invader had I understood that there was a problem here, you know. I’m sort of upset you didn’t bother telling me you had pissed him off at some point,” the woman said sternly.

“Tifa…”

“We’ll talk about it later,” she muttered. Turning on her heel, she headed for the door.

“If you feel like an ass, I don’t want any apologies. I don’t want your obligation pity,” Cloud said once she was gone.

“I wasn’t planning on it, but good to know for the future,” Zack said, taking his leave directly after.

The blonde could breathe a little easier when he was by himself again. He was exhausted, and he desperately wanted to sleep. After a while of stewing in his torment, an idea occurred to him. On the wall next to Leon’s bed was a flat glass panel screen that brought up a list of commands for the hospital staff. Cloud leaned back and fiddled with the controls until he could call in Leon’s nurse. He waited patiently, and she eventually appeared in the doorway several minutes later.

“Need something?” she asked.

“Does he _have_ to stay sedated? Like, really _have_ to?” Cloud asked.

“Feeling lonely?”

“Bored. I’m very bored.”

“You’re more than welcome to get up and move around. You don’t have to sit here.”

“Get up and do what? Is there something here that I’m not aware of?”

“Take a walk? Go get some coffee? Something? There is a lounge area with a TV; same place that has the coffee.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. But you still haven’t answered my question. Does he _have_ to stay sedated?”

The nurse sighed. “I don’t see why he _has_ to, but I can’t authorize you to wake him up. I’ll ask the doctor,” she said.

“Thank you,” Cloud replied. She left quickly.

He felt pathetic. He didn’t want to admit it, but the nurse had been right; he was lonely. He wished he had listened to Leon over the multiple times he said it, but his Carrier really was the only one that gave a damn about him. He didn’t like that everything with Zack bothered him as much as it did, but he couldn’t ignore it. After the confrontation, Cloud really felt like Leon spoke the truth so many times in the past; even if the older Charge had been friendly to him, he wasn’t actually a friend. With his Carrier out of commission for the time being, and without Zack to talk to, the loneliness hit Cloud hard. He wasn’t sure if waking Leon up was the best idea, but he didn’t feel like he had the mental capacity to be by himself for the rest of the day.

The nurse eventually returned with a doctor in tow. Cloud rephrased his question to the other man and the doctor considered it carefully. The only concerns he had were about the skin grafts adhering to Leon’s skin properly. He also explained the few methods of pain management available to Carriers, and that the most effective would be adjusting Leon’s nerve sensitivity. He then laid out the risks for it as well. By the end of their conversation, Cloud’s decision to wake his Carrier hadn’t changed, but he knew what to watch for. The doctor agreed to help him and disappeared from the room again to gather the few things he would need to force Leon conscious again.

Cloud tried to pay attention to the man as he explained what he was doing, but he was met with marginal success. His basic understanding was ‘inject this syringe of suspicious blue liquid into Leon’s veins and then shock him with this metal probe.’ He could handle that much, he supposed. Though, he did find it awfully ironic that he had to give the Carrier a jolt of electricity in order to make him function again, when electricity was exactly what started his problems in the first place. The doctor hovered around Cloud and watched him carefully as the blonde attempted to follow his instruction exactly.

Leon was awake a minute later. His entire body jumped as if he had been badly startled by the shock from the probe and all the color and life fell from his hair and eyes. The Carrier let out a shout in response as well. He immediately regretted moving so much as a searing pain drove itself into his abdomen. He grit his teeth harshly and fought the urge to press his hand into his incision, knowing he’d probably hurt himself. He was lying on his side without clothing, and was barely covered by his blanket as the grafts needed to be exposed to the open air in order to dry. 

“I’m sorry!” Cloud belted at him as he watched his Carrier break out in a light sweat with his struggling.

“Let’s turn down your sensitivity, then,” the doctor interjected before Leon could muster the strength to say anything.

The man turned and retrieved Cloud’s tablet and handed its cord off to the Carrier. With a shaking hand the not-so-brunette took it and plugged it into his Link. It was obvious to Cloud that the doctor had done this multiple times before because the man navigated his tablet as if it was an old habit. It didn’t take long for him to reduce Leon’s nerve response by forty percent. The pain slowly eased from a violent sensation that made Leon feel like he was going to vomit, to an annoying constant pang. He was still aware of it, but he could at least breathe again. Once everything was set and the doctor gave Leon a quick check-over, the man took his leave. Mashing the heels of his hands into his eyes, Leon attempted to pull his jumbled mind together enough to speak.

“I’m sorry,” Cloud repeated, the guilt crushing his spine. He pulled a chair over and rested his cheek against the bed in front of Leon’s face.

“Why?” the Carrier croaked in response, still blinded by his hands.

“It’s my fault you’re awake.”

“It’s very difficult to wake a Carrier up from anesthesia without giving their system a surge. I don’t understand why that’s your fault,” the not-quite-brunette mumbled. He dropped his hands away from his face and startled a bit when he discovered he had an extreme close-up of Cloud’s features. The Carrier’s attention was automatically attracted to the tired bags starting to form under his Charge’s eyes.

“I’m being selfish,” his Charge said.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I didn’t want to be by myself anymore. I don’t have a real reason to wake you up otherwise.”

“Oh. That’s okay. I’m not upset,” Leon reassured.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah,” the Carrier said. He reached a hand up and ran his fingers through his Charge’s hair gently. It was an odd sensation because he couldn’t actually feel the strands against his skin, just the pressure of touching the other’s scalp.

“Okay,” Cloud said, letting his eyes drop closed for a second.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Leon questioned, his voice a quiet murmur.

“Not at all.”

“Did you want to take a nap?”

“Yes,” the blonde agreed.

“Okay,” the Carrier said, pulling back from him. He attempted to gingerly push himself up enough to see where he was situated in his bed. He grunted a bit as it suddenly felt like he had been punched in the gut, his incision straining against the movement.

“I can just pull the other bed over here,” Cloud said.

“If you want to. I am… rather indecent, I’ve discovered,” Leon said, clearing his throat a bit. He reached down and tugged his blanket up higher.

“There’s not much reason for modesty anymore, you know.”

“…A valid point. It’s not like you dug a thing out of the side of my ass or anything.”

“Right.”

“Well, regardless, it’s up to you if you want to pull the bed over,” Leon said, scooting backwards. He craned his neck to see over his shoulder to make sure the drying graft on his back end wasn’t bumping into the railing on his bed. Once settled again, there was enough room in the bed for Cloud to fit with him if the blonde didn’t want much space to himself.

His Charge looked to the available gap, then to the second bed behind him. After a moment of consideration, he leaned down in his seat and started pulling off his boots. Leon began to think Cloud was going to go to the other bed, but to his surprise, the railing on his own bed dropped suddenly. His Charge ambled up onto the mattress with him and took a moment to get settled before pulling the railing up and back into place. Now face to face, Cloud could feel his cheeks turning pink as the embarrassment set in. He felt like a child. His dependency on Leon was extremely sad. And yet, he found he was immensely grateful his Carrier was awake and willing to help him.

“I’m sorry. I feel really stupid,” Cloud admitted.

“You shouldn’t,” Leon said. He reached forward and cupped his hand behind his Charge’s neck and pulled him closer. Tucking the blonde under his chin, he rested his arm over the other’s side and settled in. Cloud gently hugged him around his ribs. Leon couldn’t feel very much, but he could see the effort, at least. The blonde made every effort to not press against his Carrier’s incision and kept a gap between their lower halves.

It didn’t take long for Cloud to fall asleep; especially once Leon started stroking his hair. The Carrier was prepared to stay there for a while and tried his hardest to get back to sleep. The pain in his gut kept him awake for a while, but the fatigue eventually pulled him under. Shortly after that, Zack and Tifa passed by again. They stopped at the door and observed the sleeping pair through the tiny window. They found it disturbing that Leon had been woken up and moved. The telltale loss of hair and eye color was a blatant giveaway. However, they had no idea why he was awake, so they had no context to its importance.

“I don’t understand how he can, in good conscience, move Leon around so soon,” Zack said with his arms folded over his chest. “He just got out of surgery yesterday.”

“I don’t want to hear you whine anymore,” Tifa said with an exasperated sigh.

“I’m not whining. It’s a serious issue if he’s making Leon move around with a hole in his gut.”

“I find it hard to believe Cloud made Leon do anything against his will.”

“Oh you do, do you?”

“Yeah, actually, I do.”

“How can you say that with such seriousness?”

“Because for as much as I want to keep Leon safe, Cloud hasn’t actually done anything wrong in months.”

“He also didn’t do anything wrong for months beforehand, and then shit went to hell real fast.”

“Why are you being like this?” Tifa asked, turning to him angrily.

“Like what? Trying to protect him?”

“But you’re not. You’re just criticizing without offering anything constructive. Trying to pick fights.”

“I’m not,” Zack said.

“You totally were just picking a fight with Cloud earlier in the week. Don’t even pretend you weren’t. I didn’t hear a redeeming argument from you.”

“I wasn’t! I was just telling him—“

“Yeah yeah yeah, I know. Warning him about fucking up. I get it. But what I also get is that Leon was the one that spurred your train of thought. He was the one that reminded you that they were getting more involved. He was the one that approached me for shopping. He’s the one taking the obvious steps forward. Not Cloud. Do you _really_ think Leon would do all of that if he wasn’t okay with what was happening? Buying stuff because Cloud is going to be _receiving_?”

Caught in a petty paradox of events, Zack sighed. “Alright, fine.”

“What’s fine?” Tifa asked grumpily.

“It started with thinking I was doing an okay thing.”

“Okay.”

“Then Cloud got angry.”

“Okay.”

“And said some stuff that was completely true. And I hated it.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t notice Leon was sick.”

“Neither did I.”

“But Cloud made it sound so obvious.”

“Well, he also spends all his time around Leon.”

“Yeah… I know, but…” Zack said, his expression drooping.

“But?”

“But I feel like I should’ve noticed at some point.”

“Zack, should I remind you who your Carrier actually is? Because she’s standing right here. Leon isn’t your Carrier. It’s okay if he isn’t the center of your attention,” Tifa said, holding her arms out as if to present herself to him.

“I know. I know,” her Charge said with another sigh. “I just… I just feel awful.”

“So the solution is to pick fights with Cloud?”

“I know it’s not, but I couldn’t help myself.”

“Aw, poor baby,” Tifa cooed, hugging him around his waist and resting her cheek against his chest. “The solution to the problem is to make people angry at him. The Midgar never leaves completely, it seems.”

“Hey…” Zack said, furrowing his brows together.

“It’s okay. If you want to fight, you can fight me instead.”

“…Maybe.”

“But before that you should apologize to Cloud.”

“He said he didn’t want my obligation pity.”

“Are you sure about that?” Tifa asked, stepping back and giving him a suspicious look.

“I promise I’m not lying. You can ask him yourself.”

The woman hesitated before sighing. “Okay. Fine. The only thing I care about now is how Cloud didn’t let us know he was waking Leon up. He said he would.”

\-------------------------

By the end of that day, Leon was home again and in his own bed. He had regained his colors and his grafts had dried enough to be moved; his nerve sensitivity remained the same. Cloud was feeling better after a long nap, but he still felt like he could sleep through the night. However, just being home again and in a familiar space was enough to put him more at ease for the moment. Once he had Leon settled in bed, and he had the mental capacity to think again, the end of his mandated suicide watch started to weigh on his mind. He was acutely aware of how he couldn’t sleep the evening before, and how being near Leon didn’t help until his Carrier was able to touch him. The idea of leaving the room entirely to try and sleep by himself didn’t instill him with much confidence.

“What’re you thinking about?” Leon asked curiously, watching his Charge carefully. Still lying on his side, he had to crane his neck to see the other’s face as Cloud was sitting up next to him. It was obvious to him that something was bothering the blonde.

“I’m not… sure I should say anything,” Cloud admitted.

“Why’s that?”

“Because I don’t want to make you feel bad and have you do stuff you wouldn’t want to do otherwise.”

“And you’re positive I wouldn’t want to do it?”

“Yeah,” the blonde said.

“Can I know what it is so I can make that decision for myself?”

“I don’t know if I want to say anything.”

“I want you to, though,” Leon insisted.

With a frustrated grumble, Cloud scooted downward until he was lying against his pillows properly. He rolled onto his side to face his Carrier and gave the brunette a lopsided frown. They stared at one another as the blonde had a mental debate with himself about whether or not he should pour all his inconvenient anguish and tiny problems on his Carrier. Not being able to fall asleep by himself seemed like such an insignificant issue in the grand scheme of things, but the subsequent lack of sleep that bloomed from it was a much bigger problem that he wouldn’t be able to control. He needed help; either by staying with Leon, or trying to find another solution. Either way, he couldn’t do it by himself, and Zack wasn’t a helpful option anymore.

“I’m… sort of afraid to leave,” Cloud admitted, his face turning red with shame and embarrassment.

“You’re going somewhere? If you’re talking about Cid’s, you don’t have to worry. I’m really good at sleeping while you’re gone.”

“No, I mean… after my six months expire.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.”

“I told you I wouldn’t leave you hanging like that. I can help you sleep still.”

“I don’t want you to have to do that.”

“It’s not a big deal. I can just sit with you until you’re asleep and then come back here afterward.”

“…I guess that’s true,” Cloud said.

“I don’t mind doing it.”

“Well… I suppose that’s fine, then.”

“You suppose? Do you have another idea?”

“Ah, no. No, I don’t,” Cloud said quickly.

“I feel like you’re hiding something from me.”

“I’m not.”

“Cloud…”

“I’m not!”

“I don’t believe you,” Leon said. He fixed a scrutinizing gaze on his Charge’s face. Cloud hugged his pillow and hid behind it a little. “You’re really bad at lying.”

“I know. I hate it.”

“So tell me what’s wrong.”

“I’m embarrassed. It’s really stupid.”

“Just fucking tell me,” Leon grumped, tired of pussyfooting around. Cloud frowned.

“I don’t… want to be by myself,” he admitted.

“You don’t have to be,” his Carrier said, as if it was that simple.

“Don’t you want your space back?”

“Oh. I was trying to imply you could find whoever you wanted to spend your time with, but you can stay with me if that’s what you want.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with that?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Do you really have to ask?” Cloud said, furrowing his brows together.

“Cloud…” Leon trailed with a sigh. Disappointment dripped from his face. He knew what his Charge was trying to imply; that the Carrier should still be afraid of him. Leon thought they had moved past it. Cloud saw the look the brunette was giving him and was immediately ashamed.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” his Charge said quickly, fleeing into his pillow.

“Come here,” the Carrier encouraged. Cloud hesitated before slowly scooting towards him. He kept the pillow plastered to his face as he did so and stopped when he felt Leon’s arm slide over his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” the blonde mumbled against the cloth.

“I feel like there’s more to your mood than what you’re telling me. You’ve been acting weird all day.”

Every time Cloud attempted to put into words why he felt so insecure, he was at a loss. The last week had made him question just about everything he had agreed to do as Leon’s Charge. Seeing Zack be so calm and casual about a lifetime of watching weird growths that could be life-threatening, made Cloud realize just how far behind he was with his education. Everything he learned that week had been terrifying to witness. So much so that his self-esteem had careened off into a mental ditch he didn’t know he had. It took him an awkwardly long time to figure out how to tell Leon how pathetic he was. He rolled onto his side just enough to see his Carrier over the pillow.

“I don’t understand how you and Zack can be so calm about everything that went on this week. You’re basically going to be sick for the rest of forever. How is that not a big deal? I don’t know how to help you well enough to be so comfortable with it.”

“Are you telling me you don’t want to deal with it?”

“I’d prefer if you weren’t sick, yeah. Don’t you?”

“Yeah, but that’s not what I asked. Are you telling me you don’t want to deal with it?” Leon repeated. He gave his Charge a disparaging look. “Is it too much for you to handle? Are… are you going to leave?”

“What? No!” Cloud blurted, his heart breaking a bit. Leon’s expression looked so pained and upset, he couldn’t stand it. “I mean… unless you want me to. I’m just… it’s overwhelming. I didn’t know anything that was happening and it all went by so fast. It’s hard for me to imagine myself being able to help you very much if I can’t even comprehend something that was apparently no big deal.”

“You’re an asshole,” Leon said angrily, scowling deeply. Cloud raised a brow at the sudden shift in mood.

“I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly, assuming Leon was angry at his lack of ability.

“You really scared me. Don’t fucking talk like you’re leaving unless you’re really going to do it,” the Carrier growled. He pulled back his hand and punched the blonde’s ribcage. Cloud let out a loud grunt and rolled away from him.

“Fuck! You didn’t have to hit me!” he croaked.

“Hopefully it’ll drive the point into your thick skull that the only time I think you’re stupid is when you say moronic shit like that!” Leon barked.

“I didn’t mean to make you think I was trying to leave!”

“Then think about what you’re saying before you say it!”

“I did!” Cloud said. He slowly rolled back over, still holding his side. To Leon’s surprise the blonde didn’t look angry. He just looked upset. “Believe me. I really did think about it. I just feel so fucking worthless; I don’t really have the vocabulary to tell you just how goddamn useless I am. I’m sorry I scared you.”

A few moments passed and the Carrier was able to calm down. Leon strained a little as he tried to scoot closer to his Charge. Reaching over, he hooked his arm around Cloud’s waist and pulled him across the bed. His incision protested the movement, but he ignored it. The blonde got the hint and moved with him. Once settled together, the brunette cupped his Charge’s cheeks and gently kissed him. And again. And then again. Afterward, he tugged Cloud closer and hugged him tightly.

“I don’t know how to make you feel better right this second. Just know that you’re well on your way to proficiency; I haven’t seen any evidence to the contrary. But you need to internalize that this is a lengthy process. It’s not going to solve itself overnight. If it’ll make you feel better, I can show you how to run the Diagnostic Care Center so you can use it in the future. You don’t need to be able to interpret the results right away; I can help with that too. I just can’t scan myself.”

“That would make me feel better, yes,” Cloud agreed, nuzzling against his Carrier’s collarbones. Leon couldn’t feel it so he didn’t react.

“We can do that, then.”

\--------------------

“I haven’t seen you in a while. I’m glad to see you’re doing alright,” Auron said, lounging back in his chair. His image through the Catalogue screen was just as Cloud remembered him; nonchalant and bland. The man was dressed in a t-shirt and loose fitting sweatpants. Cloud had called during the wee hours of the morning and woken him up.

“I’m sorry I haven’t kept contact,” the blonde said.

“It’s not a problem. From what I hear from Sunny, Leon hasn’t seen her either. So long as I don’t get any bad news from a random third party, I don’t mind a lack of communication. What can I help you with? Tell me things.”

“You just assume I need your help?” the Charge said suspiciously. He leaned forward in his seat and looked out into the bedroom to make sure Leon wasn’t waking up.

“Why else would you call me?”

“To shoot the shit?”

“At three in the morning?”

“I’m an insomniac. Time is meaningless to me.”

“Very true. Still not sleeping well?”

“No, I am. I was just being an ass; I do need some advice.”

“Sure. Shoot.”

“How do you tell if someone loves you or not?” Cloud asked, pulling his legs up onto his seat with him. He hugged them tightly and hunkered down behind his knees.

“That wasn’t what I expected.”

“Sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. It’s a good surprise,” Auron said. “I was thinking it was going to be something bad.”

“It is, sort of.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because it’s confusing and I hate it.”

“You hate the idea of someone loving you?”

“No, I hate that it’s confusing.”

“Oh. Well, that’s par for the course. I assume we’re talking about Leon?”

“Yeah…”

“I think he’s loved you for a very long time.”

“I didn’t even tell you what he’s doing.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve talked to him enough in the past to understand how much he cares about you. It’s not the sort of gross love that you see newlyweds go through, or something cliché, but it’s most definitely there and very significant.”

“I see,” Cloud said stiffly.

“I’m somewhat surprised you even have to question it. I thought it was fairly obvious.”

“This isn’t the first time I’ve heard it. I just… needed some confirmation again, I guess.”

“Does it bother you?”

“Kind of,” the blonde admitted. Auron raised a brow.

“Why’s that?”

“Because he deserves to be loved back and I don’t know if I have that in me.”

“Ah. I see. What’s he doing that’s making you think about this so much?”

“He’s just doing what he’s always done. It’s just… everything’s escalated somewhat and his constant support and care has more meaning to it. Before, it was just him being forgiving and patient. But, he needs me to be able to function like an actual Charge now because he’s starting to have health issues. He keeps telling me that they’re not a big deal, and maybe they’re not to him, but they are to me because I have no idea how to handle it. But he doesn’t seem to care about that. Even if it costs him his health – stuff I don’t have control of – he still wants me to keep at it and stay with him.”

“You say stuff you don’t have control of; what does that mean?”

“Well, he’s putting himself at risk by keeping me around because he believes I won’t hurt him anymore. That, I have control of. I can just not hurt him again. But what he needs now is a skill I just don’t have. I can’t force myself to be good at something like this like I can force behaviors on myself. It just doesn’t exist. And yet… he’s still insisting I’m good enough and willing to risk himself to keep me around.”

“You don’t believe him?”

“Right this second? It’s just a fact that I can’t do the things he needs me to do; it’s got nothing to do with believing him. Maybe a while from now I might be better, but if something happens again between now and whenever that is, I’m useless to him.”

“And it’s likely that something will?”

“It’s a very real possibility, yeah.”

“Okay,” Auron said, pursing his lips thoughtfully. “Do you think he’d be better off without you?”

“Of course he would. Even without his health problems he’d be better off.”

“Even if it’s not something he wants? Even if you blatantly go against his wishes and leave? He’d be okay?”

“I don’t know…”

“Well, your options are these: either you stay and do as he says and stick with it and become the Charge he needs, or you leave and hope he’s okay afterward. If you leave, and he isn’t okay, he might not come back from it and do something to himself. Parts of his health issues are mental, you know? If he commits suicide or falls into a depressive episode, time would still pass, and it’s time that you could’ve spent studying and becoming the Charge he needs. Or, you could skip the part that might end in direct death and spend the time anyway to do the things he wants and fill the role he thinks you’re capable of. Either way, time will have to pass before you can see how the future pans out. Personally, I don’t see the point in torturing him by leaving if the process is more or less the same anyway.”

“But what if I leave and he’s fine?”

“Okay, let’s run a hypothetical scenario, then. Say he’s totally fine with you gone. He still needs a Charge. Charges take a long time to find. He’s been a part of your life before you even existed, Cloud. He would have to repeat the process for someone else. A huge chunk of time would pass that still wouldn’t have what he needs; someone to help take care of him. His happiness in this scenario is actually irrelevant if all you’re concerned about is getting him what he needs. Regardless of how this pans out; it’s still going to be a while before he gets all the attention he requires. The only thing that changes is whether or not you’re part of it.”

“I guess.”

“Do you want to be part of it?”

“If he wants me to be, yeah.”

“That isn’t what I asked. I asked if _you_ wanted to be part of it. Not Leon’s opinion.”

Cloud didn’t have an answer. He had no idea what he genuinely wanted out of his life. Helping Leon and being a Charge that was proficient at his job and could give the Carrier everything he needed seemed like a nice idea. But the line between what he knew he should do and what he wanted was blurry at best. When he really thought about it, he couldn’t say whether or not he actually wanted everything he knew he should be doing. He didn’t know if he really wanted to get more involved with Leon or if he was confusing obligation with desire. He couldn’t tell what feelings he felt were real or spur of the moment snippets of emotions that would fade away with time.

For Leon’s sake, he hoped the things he felt were engrained and long lasting and that he’d eventually understand himself and accept it. But he had been questioning himself and his ability so much recently that everything he understood seemed to be fabricated and it was becoming more and more clear that he had no idea how to handle himself. There was too much doubt, too much worry, and too much fear floating around to make him feel confident with any of his decisions. Even his request to stay with Leon once the six months expired was fogged over with uneasiness because Cloud really only asked to stay because he needed help sleeping and he didn’t want to be alone.

The idea of being an independent person and living a life of his own didn’t scare him. But he understood that no one gave a shit about him, and not having any sort of backup when things went bad or when he needed something, was what was scary. Leon was the only one that really cared, so by default, he was the logical choice to fill the void Cloud felt. But his Carrier loved him. Everyone knew it to be true even if it wasn’t the same sort of love Cloud had shared with Aerith. But, the blonde wasn’t sure he could reciprocate what he thought Leon deserved. There was a difference between companionship and love.

What they had right then Cloud considered companionship. Leon wasn’t even convinced he would want to stick around once the opportunity arose to be his own person again. Needing his Carrier in order to sleep and to stave off the loneliness didn’t equate to a loving and fulfilling relationship. It was very hard for Cloud to imagine being the person in Leon’s life that his Carrier deserved. It was even harder for him to try and figure out if he felt that way because he wasn’t confident he could be or if he just didn’t want to be that person to begin with. He couldn’t come up with a definite answer for Auron.

“I don’t know,” he said eventually. “I know I don’t want to hurt him anymore. If staying here and trying to give him whatever care he needs is a way to avoid doing that, then I want to do it. I don’t want to just up and abandon him for no real reason.”

“I think that’s good enough for now.”

“But what about later? What if I can’t give him the life he deserves?”

“You can worry about later when it happens.”

“But—“

“You can’t predict the future, Cloud. What you can do is everything you feel you should do, and when you get to the parts you’re unsure of, you can take a step back and really think about how you feel and whether or not it’s a feasible option for you to keep up with whatever it is. It’s okay to take your time. You have a lot of it.”


	105. Chapter 105

Chapter 105

“Yes, hello, thank you,” Cloud grunted as a singular giant paw came up and squished itself against his cheek, smothering most of his face. Leon stretched, using his Charge’s head and ribcage as a platform to push off from as he wormed his way across the blonde’s lap on his side. Crushed under the weight of the Carrier’s huge body, the blonde let out a shout as the majority of Leon’s bulk slid across his limbs. The lion eventually let go of the other’s face and reached up to grip the grass underneath him and continue snaking along his chosen path. He ended with his back feet settled on Cloud’s thighs and his tail gently tapping against the other’s knee.

It was over two months after Leon’s surgery and they had been approved to resume their normal working routine. The Carrier’s nerve sensitivity was returned to normal and he only had some moderate discomfort for a couple days. Changing forms helped that incredibly as the growth of additional tissues sealed up whatever was needed in his abdomen; the spot on his ass had been fine for weeks by that point. Feeling substantially better than he had from just that morning, he found he wanted to roll around in the grass and experience the luxury of being able to move his entire body however he liked. It was a very freeing experience.

Though Cloud was happy his Carrier was better, he didn’t really appreciate his skeleton being pulverized. Once Leon was settled in place and relatively peaceful, the spiteful blonde stuck his hand amongst the paw pads resting on his leg and grabbed hold of the webbing between Leon’s toes, pinching as hard as he could. The lion’s foot jolted harshly as a sharp spike of pain shot through his digits. He yanked the limb away and abruptly pushed half of himself up with a loud grumble, twisting around to snap his jaws at the open air over his side; threatening to retaliate. Instead of actually mauling his Charge though, he shook his foot to rid it of the residual tingling, kicking the blonde’s testicles in the process.

Cloud went down like a ton of bricks over the side of a bridge. He pressed his hands into his groin and pulled his legs up, unable to breathe for a solid fifteen seconds. Leon hadn’t actually meant to pummel his Charge’s balls, but he wasn’t actually bothered by it yet. He stayed where he was and made no effort to comfort the ailing blonde, nonchalantly pushing the grass around with his tail. His Charge had no reason to believe that the assault was an accident, so to him, the gauntlet had been thrown down. When he could breathe and think clearly again, he noticed the Carrier’s testicles were hanging out just like most of the other male Carrier’s did. He reached over and whipped them with the backs of his fingernails without hesitation.

Leon belted out a loud surprised yelp; almost a roar, but not quite. He scrambled to his feet and fled several yards away before sitting again and dragging his rear end on the ground. Cloud burst into laughter at the sight and buried his face against his knees to contain himself. Upon hearing his Charge, the lion righted himself and galloped his way back over to him. Crashing into the blonde, he tackled the other to the grass so they were both on their sides; his Charge’s back against his chest. Cloud’s laughter didn’t falter as Leon hooked his front arms around his torso, covered his entire shoulder with his huge mouth, and started bunny kicking his legs with his back paws. Without claws, of course.

After a quick moment of faux ferocity, the Carrier rolled over, pulling his Charge with him until they ended up in the same position but opposite from where they had been. It was there they settled, Leon rubbing his face all over the back of Cloud’s head affectionately. He was eventually satisfied with covering his Charge in his scent and he rested his snout against Cloud’s neck, letting out a long breath as he did. Some of the air escaped from between his teeth and pushed up against his lip, causing it to lift and slap against the rest of his mouth with a soft wet _pworp_. The blonde started laughing under his breath again.

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. I was waiting for something bad to happen,” Cloud said, sitting up. He turned in place until he could press his hands into the cat’s gut. He watched Leon’s reaction as he pushed on the Carrier’s stomach. The lion didn’t react. There wasn’t any pain. The cat eventually pushed himself up and leaned over to his Charge’s tablet and nudged it with his nose. Cloud got the hint and retrieved his earpiece.

“ _I contemplated trying to fart when you were feeling me up but I was afraid I might shit myself. I just wanted you to know that_ ,” Leon said nonchalantly.

“Oh. Thanks for sharing. Next time, after you change, we’ll get you kitty diaper just in case so you can have the freedom to try,” the blonde said blandly.

“ _You’re so accommodating._ ”

“I try. I try.”

“ _I told you nothing bad was going to happen,_ ” the Carrier said with a teasing sort of tone.

“Yeah, well, sorry if that’s what I’m used to.”

“ _I know. I wish I could say otherwise. But, it’s behind us now. I’m sorry I kicked your sac. I didn’t actually mean to do that._ ”

“Is that so? You didn’t seem apologetic.”

“ _Well, I thought it was karma coming back to hit you for pinching me._ ”

“I only did that after you crushed my entire body underneath you. It was really uncomfortable.”

“ _Don’t hate my voluptuous curves. They’re beautiful._ ”

“Also heavy.”

“ _Yes, this is true. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize I wasn’t doing a good job of not being dead weight._ ”

“It’s fine. I’m not broken. My balls might be, though. Dunno if they’re going to work right anymore,” Cloud said, leaning against the Carrier’s ribcage. He took up his tablet and started flipping through the templates of assignments they had been assigned for the week.

“ _If they are, they have surgeries to fix that. Also replacements._ ”

“There’s replacement testicles?”

“ _Yes._ ”

“Are there any organs that can’t be replaced? Besides brains?”

“ _Not really. When your population is pretty much all the same, it’s easy to make pieces parts that fit into everyone and perform the same functions from one person to the next. It’d be more complicated if we made an effort to make animal parts, too._ ”

“Could only imagine the confusion keeping all of that organized would be. They’d have to have separate buildings or rooms for every animal just so someone doesn’t wake up with a goat testicle lodged in them.”

“ _That’d be strange. I couldn’t imagine having that conversation with a doctor after the fact. ‘Uhh… Mr. Strife there’s been a little bit of a mix-up.’_ ”

Cloud laughed. “That’s horrifying.”

“ _Though that would beg the question of why goat surgeries are being performed in the same place a human one would be. Otherwise there’d be no reason to be anywhere near goat parts._ ”

“True.”

“ _Anyway,_ ” Leon continued, rolling onto his back with his feet in the air. Cloud could hear the human voice yawn but saw the cat’s mouth move. It was a very strange depiction. “ _What’re we examining this week?_ ” the Carrier asked.

“Limbs,” the blonde said.

“ _Oh, the irony. Are you going to pinch my toes again?_ ” the cat asked, bringing his back legs up so he could grab the bottoms of his feet with his front paws, effectively covering all his paw pads protectively.

“Not unless you want me to,” Cloud said, discreetly whisking away the templates to bring up the rear facing camera on his tablet. He casually lifted the device just enough to get Leon’s head in the viewfinder. The Carrier’s face was upside down with his lips having flopped up to expose most of his teeth. The excess skin on his face was also squished and wrinkly as gravity pulled it all towards the grass underneath. He snapped a quick picture and saved it. The cat didn’t notice.

“ _I don’t actually. It wasn’t fun._ ”

“Ah, I see. Then I won’t do it. I promise.”

“ _Well… if you promise_ ,” the Carrier said, letting go of one of his back feet and sticking his leg out so he could push the pads against Cloud’s face.

“Hey!” the blonde said, leaning away from him.

“ _I’m helping!_ ”

“Fuck off. Let me do this my way so we can get it over with,” Cloud said, hooking his arm around the leg and keeping it trapped in his armpit and away from his face.

“ _Yes, Cloud…_ ” Leon sighed dramatically.

\----------------------

Being around Leon when he wasn’t sick, or tired, or depressed, was a very surreal experience. He was still as dry and as quiet as Cloud knew him to be, but when his Carrier did speak, there was a lot more humor in the way it was expressed. The blonde couldn’t tell if Leon was actually funny or if it was the way the brunette sarcastically delivered his occasional ridiculous one-liners or vague attempts at insults. It wasn’t a constant barrage of side-splitting humor, but it happened enough that Cloud didn’t feel like being around Leon was a chore anymore.

It took him a while, but Cloud eventually figured out that he genuinely enjoyed Leon’s company and liked being around him. It was something he never thought was possible. He could remember so clearly the vitriolic hatred that had coursed through his being just a couple years prior. To have that searing emotion fade and mutate into enjoyment felt like a massive weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt lighter, and the guilt he had been clinging to was becoming more and more difficult to drag around because Leon looked and sounded so much happier.

However, one problem did pop up amidst the peace. Cloud was getting distracted. He found he didn’t want to go to work, and he didn’t want to go to the gym; he just wanted to hang around the facility and talk to Leon about nothing. He liked getting to know his Carrier more and asking questions that resulted in Leon giving his opinion on something. It didn’t matter what it was. It could be politics, or science, or ethics, or even something as simple as food. The Charge just liked seeing and hearing Leon be more engaged with life.

Despite the numerous distractions, Cloud managed to move forward with his studies. He eventually got to the point where Leon could start teaching him how to use the varying pieces of equipment around the lab. The blonde had learned the basics of the Diagnostic Care Center shortly after Leon’s surgery, but the rest of the machines were still mysteries. The Extractor came first, the machine that combined the gooey insides of whatever cells it was given. It was a delicate process, and Cloud was not a delicate man. Sure, when he tried, he could move himself well enough to be considered agile, but the fine detail and intricate things in life eluded him.

“Let me see,” Leon said, as he reached out and put his hand to his Charge’s back to further pull his attention away from the machine. Cloud had been attempting to cut open and remove the cytoplasm from a series of red blood cells, and the Carrier wanted to see his progress. The blonde stepped to the side just enough to let the other lean forward and put his eyes to the microscope. Leon slid his hand down the blonde’s spine and kept it parked on the small of his back.

“I’m… vaguely aware of what I’m doing. I hope that shows,” Cloud said, his skin turning prickly under his Carrier’s hand.

“It does. Though, keep in mind you’re trying to get the widest cut in order to get the most space for when you try to retrieve the cytoplasm. You cut this one from the top like you’re cutting a sandwich. Try going in from the side like you’re cutting a bagel.”

“No sandwiches. Go for bagels.”

“Yes, exactly.”

“Got it.”

“I’m proud of you,” Leon said, stepping back from the Extractor. He smiled at Cloud.

“Aw, thanks. I like food. I approve of such analogies.”

“I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic. I _am_ proud of you. And not just for remembering food metaphors.”

“Oh,” Cloud said, his face turning red. It was a very obvious shift in pigmentation and Leon noticed it easily.

“Does that embarrass you? Me complimenting you?”

“Sort of. Know what else makes me embarrassed?”

“No. What?”

“Pointing out that I’m embarrassed.”

“Ah. Right. Good point,” the Carrier said with a tiny laugh. “Can I ask why?”

“Why pointing it out is embarrassing? Or the compliment?”

“The compliment.”

“Because it went from zero to one hundred without anything in between. You could’ve just told me ‘good work’ and I would’ve gotten the idea. But you took it eighty steps further to tell me you’re proud of me. It caught me off guard,” Cloud explained, intentionally leaving out the fact that his mind was stuck dwelling how warm Leon’s hand on his back was. Just their proximity was proving to be more intimate than he had anticipated; he didn’t need his Carrier to slather him in heavy compliments in order to make him feel overwhelmed.

“I didn’t realize it meant that much to you. I thought I was starting at the shallow end of the meaningful compliment pool. My apologies.”

“That’s the shallow end of the pool to you? Damn. Should I expect all of my skin to burst off of me if you ever reach the deep end? That’s a scary thought.”

“I didn’t realize my pride in you was something that was in deep water to begin with. So really, only you’ll know if I ever reach the other end because I clearly have no idea.”

“True.”

“I will say, though,” Leon started. He turned to face his Charge and pulled the blonde closer to him. “It means a lot to know that my pride in you holds so much value to you.

“Why shouldn’t it?” Cloud asked, wrapping his arms around the other’s waist loosely and folding his hands together.

“I’m not saying it shouldn’t. I’m just saying it was a nice surprise.”

“I feel bad that it’s a surprise.”

“Don’t. I’m not upset about it. It was a pleasant discovery,” the Carrier said, leaning forward for a quick peck.

The one thing Cloud still had some stress over was whether or not things were going to progress physically with Leon. The Carrier had been very patient with him and hadn’t pushed the boundaries too much recently. He hadn’t been well enough to try anything if the first place, but even after he had recovered, there wasn’t much activity. Cloud was nervous about initiating anything for fear of pushing his Carrier over the edge into a relapse of depression by making him relive painful memories, but it was inconceivable to him that Leon might not have carnal needs. He was convinced that the brunette was holding back for his sake.

“Um…” the blonde trailed after the brief kiss.

“Hm?”

“Whatever happened to your… plans for stuff?” Cloud asked awkwardly.

“Plans for stuff?”

“You know… the plans for the stuff you bought with Tifa a few months ago,” the Charge said, his cheeks igniting for what felt like the millionth time that day.

“Are you propositioning me?” Leon asked, the disbelief in his voice obvious.

“I was just asking a question.”

“With no further intentions?”

“Only if you want there to be.”

“…Is that so? Because my plans haven’t changed. I was waiting for you.”

“I thought so.”

“Yes. I also had a surgery and a recovery to get over so that ate up a good chunk of my time too.”

“Yeah, I understand that part. I was just surprised that you never really brought it up again. Aren’t you… needy?”

“I’ve never been an overtly sexual person. I can be if I have reason to be, but I don’t feel the urge very much otherwise. Are you needy? Should I have not been as patient?”

“No, you’re fine. I was just concerned.”

“So… you don’t want to fuck around?” Leon asked unabashedly.

“Eh…” Cloud trailed. “I don’t know. I do and I don’t. I’m afraid of it. But…” he said nervously, his breath turning thin and shallow as the anxiety level rose. “I’ve really enjoyed the last few weeks.”

“What do you mean? Nothing special has been happening.”

“Maybe not to you but to me it has.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’ve been a lot happier recently and I feel like I’ve gotten to know you better. It’s been really nice,” the Charge admitted.

“I didn’t think I was so unfamiliar before.”

“Not ‘unfamiliar’ just… like I never knew your favorite color is red. I didn’t know you prefer fish over red meat. I didn’t know that you like orchestral music but not opera. I didn’t know that you don’t like swimming very much. I knew you were really smart and you want nothing more in life than to have a family and be successful, but I didn’t know that you considered your Carriers to be your children and not siblings like everyone else does. See what I mean? I knew the big stuff but not the dumb stuff that makes things more meaningful.”

“I see,” Leon said, unsure of what to make of Cloud’s confession.

“Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been sitting here all this time thinking less of you for not spilling your guts on me, but… you’re not really forthcoming with stuff when you’re depressed.”

“I see,” the Carrier repeated.

“I’m sorry, are you offended?”

“No. I’m just sort of upset with myself for letting you go this long without you feeling like you really knew me.”

“I don’t blame you. Seriously. I wasn’t upset or anything before, I just figured out how _much_ I didn’t know over the last few weeks,” Cloud said. He could feel his explanation derailing Leon’s mood into something unpleasant. Without much consideration, he made to remedy the problem by bringing his hands around and cupping his Carrier’s face. He pulled him into a kiss and held them together for a long minute. When he let go, Leon seemed conflicted, but not upset.

“Are you sure you’re okay with it? I feel like I should be doing more.”

“One of the things I’ve been told over and over since I got here was that we have time. You don’t have to do anything. I just wanted you to know that I’ve learned a lot and… I like the things I’ve seen.”

“I’m glad.”

“So… unless you can think of something, I’ve run out of things that I don’t know about you. Other than… whatever you have planned, that is.”

“I see,” Leon said. He leaned forward and stole another kiss. “And that’s what you want?”

“Like I said: I do and I don’t. But I only don’t want to because it scares me,” Cloud admitted.

“What’s scary about it?”

“Everything. But mostly the probability of hurting you without meaning to. Or rather, bringing up bad stuff without meaning to.”

“I’ll be okay.”

Cloud took a deep breath. “Are you _absolutely_ sure?”

“I’m not going to lie to you, Cloud. I can’t be _absolutely_ sure. But, I am very confident. I’m more concerned about you.”

“I can say the same thing about myself.”

“I think this is doable then,” Leon said, taking the other’s hand in his.

Cloud followed his Carrier dutifully through the halls as Leon led them towards their bedroom. He found he couldn’t look up and meet anyone’s eyes as they passed. The air in his lungs felt like it was getting thinner the closer they got to the bedroom door. He could barely breathe once they were in the room properly. The blonde’s pulse threatened to push through his skin, it was beating so hard. Leon let go of his hand when the door closed behind them and stepped to the table next to his side of the bed. He pulled open a drawer and retrieved the bottles he had purchased with Tifa a while ago. When he looked back to Cloud, he stopped. The blonde’s posture was tense and defensive. He also couldn’t bring himself to look at his Carrier.

“We shouldn’t do this,” Leon said. He sat on the edge of the bed.

“No, we can,” Cloud said.

“You’re terrified.”

“I told you I was.”

“But you can’t even look at me.”

“I’m sorry,” the blonde said, slowly pulling his gaze up and to Leon’s face. The Carrier could see the apprehension chaining his Charge in place.

“Let’s wait.”

“No! No. I want to. It’s just…”

“Just?”

“I don’t know.”

“Tell me what I can do to help you.”

“It’d help if… there was like… some sort of foreplay? We just kind of discussed this like we were sitting in a cubicle and then came in here.”

“Did you think I’d just immediately strip you and shove things in you? I haven’t even had the chance to do anything yet.”

“I have no idea; I’ve never done this before!”

“It works the same as having sex with anyone else! Why would you think I’d skip five steps?!”

“I don’t know! It’s just the way it sounded when you were talking about it before!”

“Should I not make sure you’re okay with this?! Would you rather I just lay hands on you without permission?!”

“No! I just—“ Cloud attempted, but his words were cut off by a frustrated grumbling sigh. He stomped over to the bed and sat heavily on it several feet away from Leon. Running a hand over his face, he wanted to crawl into a hole and hide. “I’m just an idiot, okay? I don’t know why I thought it would be so different.”

“I don’t know why either,” the Carrier agreed, turning so he could lean back against the pillows with his legs stretched out in front of him on the mattress. He draped a forearm over his eyes with a sigh.

Beyond feeling stupid, guilt was starting to creep into Cloud’s shoulders. He didn’t deserve Leon’s patience, and his Carrier didn’t deserve his ignorance. In an attempt to rectify the situation, the blonde tried to think objectively. He turned to recalling his own previous experiences to draw parallels between the two. There were many. Realizing that made him feel even more stupid than it had before, but it also gave him a slight idea as to what he should do next. He leaned over the bed and pulled off his shoes before crawling up the Carrier’s legs. He awkwardly sat on Leon’s thighs with his hands folded in front of himself stiffly; his brow furrowed and his mouth pressed into a thin line. Startled, the brunette dropped his arm from his sightline and stared up at his Charge with wide eyes.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.

“Judging by your tone: the wrong thing. Is this not how it starts? This has happened to me a few times just… I’m usually where you are instead,” the blonde said. Leon raised a brow at him.

“It _can_ work like this, but its way more work for you. I don’t have any control so you’d have to move yourself.”

“Ah… right,” Cloud agreed, his speech stilted.

“Come here,” the Carrier said, holding his arms up. The Charge heaved a heavy sigh and laid himself down against Leon’s chest. The brunette hugged him tightly and rubbed his back.

“What should I do?” the blonde asked.

“Nothing,” Leon answered, pushing himself up until he was sitting. Cloud didn’t make an effort to move and ended up in his lap.

“But I feel like I should.”

“And that’s a problem. You don’t _have_ to do anything. Just relax,” the Carrier insisted.

He shifted his position until he was comfortably settled against the pillows. Rubbing up and down his Charge’s back with both hands, he attempted to ease the other’s nerves. Cloud’s posture sagged against him, and Leon rested his cheek on to the top of his head. After several minutes of petting, when it seemed like Cloud had done as he said and relaxed, the Carrier shuffled his hands under the back of the other’s shirt and continued. He could feel the blonde tense for a moment as the sensation changed, but he relaxed again shortly thereafter.

“I can’t feel that as well as I probably should,” Cloud said.

“Really?”

“Yeah. Parts of my back are sort of numb because of my scars. I mean, I can feel you pressing your hands on me, but it’s very dull in some places.”

“I see. I never considered that before.”

“They’re really big scars.”

“Yeah, I know. It just never occurred to me that they would cause a problem. Don’t know why, though. I have the same issue with my face. Do yours ever randomly hurt?”

“No. Yours does?”

“Sometimes. Usually right after I wake up and for a little while after that. It’s usually gone by the afternoon, though.”

“I see,” Cloud said, sitting up straight. Leon’s hands settled on his hips.

The Charge reached up and held the other’s face between his hands gently, running his thumb over the blemish he had caused between his Carrier’s eyes. Leon could see guilt starting to trickle into the blonde’s expression, and in an effort to make it go away, he took Cloud’s hands off of him. Tugging his Charge’s wrists, he pulled the blonde into a strong hug and peppered his cheek with light kisses. Leon’s attentiveness made Cloud feel guiltier. But he could tell his Carrier was trying to encourage him to not be upset and to move on; as they had been trying to do for months. He figured he could at least try.

Cloud turned his face and briefly caught Leon’s lips with his. They shared a few short pecks before the Charge sat upright again and held them together. He wrapped his arms around Leon’s neck loosely, their tongues becoming intertwined. Despite it sensuality and depth, their kissing was calm and was a way for both men to figure out what the other was going to do and what was okay. Neither could bring themselves to part ways and attempt to talk the process out more than they already had. Once the mood settled in, it was much easier to just push forward and figure it out as they went along.

With one arm hooked around Cloud’s waist, Leon slid his free hand under the other’s shirt and started inching the fabric upwards towards his Charge’s shoulders. The blonde took the hint and pulled back from his Carrier’s mouth just long enough to lift his top off and over his head; tossing it away easily. When he brought his hands down again, instead of draping them around Leon’s neck he buried his fingers in the brunette’s russet follicles, combing his digits through the strands easily. The feeling sent a shiver down Leon’s spine, and he pulled Cloud’s lips to his again in response.

Making out was all well and good, but the Carrier wasn’t sure how much his Charge was truly willing to do with him. It had less to do with what he thought Cloud was comfortable with and more to do with how well he could transition the blonde from things that were relatively tame to something more exciting for their first time. If he was honest with himself, he could admit his inexperience with being the one in charge when it came to doing new things sexually.

Zell had his own history to fall back on in order to know what to do before getting more intimate, and Leon had no history to speak of for such things. He had a decent idea of how it worked, but everyone was different. What wasn’t a big deal to his previous partner would most likely be a huge deal to Cloud regardless of how slight it seemed to Leon himself. The problem was that the Carrier wasn’t sure what methods seemed the least intrusive to someone who had no prior knowledge of anything they were going to do, whereas Zell had been there previously to guide him along.

The Carrier’s hands slid over his Charge’s chest and down his stomach, his touch light and tingling. He could feel Cloud’s skin break out in goosebumps. Pulling away from their kiss, he took his time watching his fingertips move over the muscular curvature Cloud had developed on his abdomen. His Charge was a far way away from having the bulk that Zell did, but there was most definitely definition that hadn’t been there previously. His calculated ogling lasted long enough that Cloud was starting to feel self conscious. As Leon’s fingers inched lower and ghosted over the tops of his jeans, Cloud put a hand over his and stopped him. His Carrier looked up to him with concern in his eyes.

“Too much?” Leon asked gently.

Cloud shook his head. “No, I’m just not used to being stared at like that.”

“Sorry. I like what I see,” the Carrier admitted. His Charge’s skin immediately reddened by several shades. Leon laughed a bit at his expense and wiggled his fingers further down and past the top hem of the other’s pants. He could feel his Charge tense in response.

“What about you?” Cloud asked breathily.

“What about me?”

“I seem to be the only one losing clothing, here.”

“You’re more than welcome to do something about it, you know,” Leon said. Moving his hands to the blonde’s button, he casually started to undo other’s fastenings. He could tell Cloud was already hard for him.

“I guess…” the blonde trailed nervously. His hands were stuck on Leon’s shoulders.

Cloud’s breath froze in his throat when he felt Leon’s hands move further down into his clothing. The Carrier slipped his hands under the top band of his boxers and down his hip. When he didn’t resist, the brunette moved his grip lower and around to take firm handfuls of his ass. Anxiety kept Cloud in place, his mind unable to fully process what was happening. Leon was acutely aware of his Charge’s inability to do anything and he cautiously started nudging the blonde’s clothing down his thighs. He listened closely to Cloud’s breathing, purposefully keeping his attention away from the other’s face and on his body. When his Charge’s breath stopped, his hands did too.

“You’re shaking. If you want me to stop, you need to tell me.”

“Don’t,” Cloud said airlessly. He rested his head against Leon’s forehead, his eyes glued to the space between their bodies. There was a very defined lump spread across the front of his Carrier’s shorts. It made him extremely nervous.

“You’re _absolutely_ sure?”

“Yes,” the blonde said. As his clothing was pulled lower and lower, he managed to lift his hips enough so Leon could expose him fully.

Leon was prepared to be scared. Or nervous. Or apprehensive. Or something. But he wasn’t. Other than the few times he had seen it while watching his Charge grow up, he had never actually seen Cloud’s erection before. Seeing it and receiving it were two different things, and he didn’t allow himself to dwell on the details very much for fear of derailing everything he had built up for that moment. He wasn’t going to be receiving anything anytime soon, so he didn’t think like he would. For now, he was content with being preoccupied with not fucking things up for Cloud’s first time with him.

Leon could feel Cloud’s hands trembling against his shoulders. Before he bothered touching his Charge’s front parts, he wanted to get the blonde to calm down more. He hugged the blonde around his middle and pulled their bodies flush against one another. Burying his face against the soft flesh under the other’s jaw, he laid countless kisses there, hoping to reassure his Charge somewhat. Cloud hugged him back tightly, aware of what his Carrier was trying to do. He took several deep breaths, and eventually calmed enough to be considered normal. Horny, but normal.

With his arm around Cloud’s waist, Leon pushed himself up and turned towards the rest of the bed. Leaning forward, he lowered his Charge to the mattress on his back. Hovering over him, he watched the uncertainty crawl across the blonde’s face for a moment. The Carrier couldn’t bring himself to question Cloud’s resolve again. Part of him felt like he should’ve, but Cloud had already answered him. Doubting his Charge again seemed like it would have worse consequences than just pushing forward. So, in an effort to minimize the amount of thinking Cloud had to do, Leon pulled away from him and tugged his shirt over his head. He then reached down and grabbed his Charge’s pants and yanked them down the rest of the way and off his legs. Cloud immediately pulled the limbs up and covered himself, feeling very exposed.

“Really?” Leon asked, the question escaping him as more of an exasperated grunt than actual language.

“Sorry,” Cloud murmured shyly. “You’d think with all the wet and naked dicks I’ve been around in my life, I’d be less weird about this.”

“Yeah. I know. It’s a mystery to me, too. Should I go get in the shower and come back? Is my lack of moisture the problem?”

“No, no,” the blonde said, laughing a bit in spite of himself. “I’m just… being stupid.”

“You need to relax.”

“I’ve been trying to for the last twenty minutes.”

“Right,” the Carrier said, looking around. He spied the bottles he had retrieved from his side table and leaned back grabbed one. “Roll over,” he said.

“Uh…” his Charge said hesitantly. He didn’t know what the bottle was and it bothered him.

“Trust me.”

“Okay…”the blonde trailed. He carefully rolled onto his stomach and stretched out.

After uncapping the bottle of massage oil, Leon upended a dollop into his palm. He set the rest of it aside and gently coated both of his hands before pressing them into Cloud’s back. The blonde immediately let out a satisfied groan and settled his face against the mattress, stretching his arms out. The Carrier smoothed his hands up and down the other’s spine, slowly pushing the tension away as he did. He had no idea if he was doing anything correctly or incorrectly, but over time, Cloud’s posture eased and his eyes began to droop. Leon didn’t want his Charge to fall asleep, but he could appreciate that the blonde was able to; that meant, to him, that Cloud was relaxed. He moved his hands lower, concentrating most of his effort on the other’s lower back.

The stresses the blonde carried around with him were evident in the tense fibers of his muscles, and Leon worked away until they were gone. Or at least, as gone as he could tell. Once he was satisfied with his progress, he stopped and pulled himself up on all fours so he could crawl over his Charge and hover above him. He leaned down and kiss Cloud’s shoulder.

“You can’t sleep yet. I’m not done with you,” Leon said.

“Hng,” Cloud grunted at him.

“I’m going to touch you now.”

“Mhm.”

Taking that as his cue to continue, the Carrier backed up, running his hands down the blonde’s scar-laden back as he did. If there was ever to be a repeat of his performance up until that point, he made a mental note to use less oil; a little seemed to go a long way. He couldn’t deny that the excessive slickness made it easier to maneuver, though, especially when it came to using his fingers more instrumentally. There was a surprising lack of initial resistance when he finally pushed his digits into his Charge.

The tension suddenly returned as Cloud bolted awake again with a gasp, feeling violated. His first instinct was to roll over and kick Leon away, but he managed to stop himself before getting very far. He was supposed to be a willing participant, but the bigoted disgust and fear he had been so accustomed do came flooding back, clouding over his earlier rationalizations. The feelings clashed against his still present desire to make Leon happy and the emotional confrontation manifested itself as Cloud completely ceasing all movement and gripping the blanket underneath him with an iron grasp. He didn’t know what to do.

Though he was paying close attention to his Charge’s reaction, Leon didn’t catch the deep feeling of confliction that was writhing around in the other’s mind. To him, Cloud was up and awake, but just staring ahead of himself as airless squeaks escaped his throat as the Carrier continued feeling inside him with two fingers. His touch eventually ran over the spongy bundle of nerves he was looking for. Cloud gasped again and his entire body shook as a result. Leon repeated the movement several times, each with more or less the same result. After a few minutes, he backed off and scooted further down the other’s legs.

Taking hold of Cloud’s hips, the Carrier gently tugged them up. Shakily, Cloud took his obvious hint and lifted himself until his knees were holding his back end up. He nervously looked over his shoulder at Leon and found that the brunette was just staring at his gratuitous display and it made him very uncomfortable. It was difficult for him to tell if the brunette was for or against what he was seeing, and he wasn’t convinced he actually wanted his Carrier to like it. But Leon did. It had been a very long time since he had felt genuinely attracted to any part of anybody, and the fact that it was Cloud made the realization more meaningful than he thought it would be. Everything his Charge was volunteering to him, even the confused and concerned look he was giving him, was immensely arousing.

 Cloud found it hard to breathe when Leon pushed himself up and positioned himself behind him. He could hear the Carrier undo his zipper; the sound coming off as unnaturally loud and piercing. A moment later, Leon’s hand came down and gripped his hip to steady himself as he pushed forward. Cloud sucked in another sharp breath as he felt his Carrier’s hardened length begin pushing inside him. It wasn’t painful, but the emotional and mental turmoil that rained down on him made his entire body ache with grief. He hated it. His mind was racing as Leon’s hips gradually met his and the Carrier stopped moving.

 The brunette leaned forward and spoke lowly in his ear, his voice somewhat raspy as his breath tried to catch up with him. “I want to see you,” he said.

 _I can’t do this_ , Cloud thought to himself, his mind awash with poisonous rhetoric that had been forced into his head since before he could remember.

Though he couldn’t think straight and was beginning to feel numb to everything that was happening, the blonde didn’t resist when his Carrier gently nudged him around and coaxed him to turn over onto his back. Cloud’s vision was beginning to blur by that point and he stared ahead of himself without focusing on anything in particular. Leon didn’t notice his listless gaze and pushed himself inside his Charge again before laying over him.  Instinctively, Cloud reached up and wound his arms around the brunette’s middle, which gave Leon the indication that everything was okay.

But it wasn’t. When the Carrier started moving, the blonde’s conscious constructive thought ceased to exist. His breathing was heavy, but the gasps were broken up between brief lapses of breathable air that forced him to stop panting and pulled a tiny squeak from his throat. He desperately wanted everything to stop, but he couldn’t muster the mental power to say anything. To make matters worse, Leon was purposefully being gentle with him. He wasn’t moving erratically or pulling on him in a jarring fashion. It felt very… loving. Doting; nuzzling under his jaw with the occasional kiss.

Cloud could feel it. Leon loved him. His Carrier was probably putting much more value on what they were doing than he did, and the blonde hated himself for feeling so disgusted. In fact, everything that he was feeling had to do with himself. He didn’t think Leon was doing anything wrong. He knew that he had encouraged his Carrier to continue, and assured him that everything was okay. All of his upset was coming from a broken record of other people telling him what they were doing was dirty, and his own self hatred. He wanted so badly to make Leon happier, but he was doing exactly what his Carrier didn’t want him to do. He was trying to be something he wasn’t. And failing. Badly.

By the time Leon finished, Cloud was nearly in tears. The blonde suddenly had the urge to bolt out of the bed and leave. He was terrified. His hands were shaking. He didn’t want to see how badly he was going to hurt his Carrier by being such a dead fish. There was absolutely zero evidence that he had enjoyed himself in any way, and the excessive moisture building around the periphery of his eyes was going to make everything just so much worse. His heart started breaking when Leon pushed himself up and looked down at him, his face flushed with affection. The soft expression immediately drained away when he realized how upset his Charge was, which in turn only made Cloud more upset. The blonde covered his face with his hands, his fingers trembling.

“Cloud… I’m sorry; I didn’t realize I was hurting you—“ Leon attempted as he moved back and tried to give his Charge some space.

“Stop stop stop,” the blonde insisted, curling into a ball and rolling onto his side. He didn’t want his Carrier to apologize. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Okay…”

“It’s not you. I promise. I just…” Cloud blurted from behind his palms. “I can’t do this, Leon. I’m _so_ sorry.”

“I don’t understand. Which part can’t you do? We’ve done… just about all of it.”

“This. Any of this,” his Charge said, shakily pushing himself up. “I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me.”

“But… you said it was okay.”

“I know,” Cloud said, taking a deep breath. The tears dripped free against his will and he quickly wiped them away. “I know. I… need to think for a while. I’m going to try to sleep on my own tonight.”

“But—“

“Please,” the blonde said, shuffling off the bed. The space in between his ass cheeks was wet and the realization made him a little queasy. He started pulling on his clothing, trying not to dwell on the sensation.

Leon was so taken aback by the abrupt shift in dynamic that he couldn’t think of anything to say. He deftly watched his Charge pull himself together and meander towards the door. He didn’t stop him. He wanted to, but it was clear that Cloud wasn’t stable enough to hold a conversation. When the door closed and Leon was by himself, he hugged his knees to his chest and started recalling the last hour in an attempt to try and find some sort of sign of where it all went wrong. He couldn’t think of one, and it bothered him. Had he been deluding himself into thinking Cloud really wanted something more with him? Was Cloud acting on obligation? It didn’t make any sense.

He hoped Cloud would calm down enough to talk to him soon, because being left alone in his own head was something Leon was genuinely fearful of. It was never a good thing.


	106. Chapter 106

Chapter 106

Leon was feeling a lot of things. The next forty-eight hours were a rollercoaster of emotions shifting between anguish, guilt, and anger. After not speaking to his Charge for almost three days, his mood eventually picked a state and it settled on _hurt_. He felt betrayed even though it didn’t feel justified. His logical side told him that Cloud didn’t mean to upset him, and that his Charge was making a very concerted effort to make him happy. That part was palatable. The part that wasn’t was the one where Cloud made him feel like a rapist. Even if it was unintentional, it was still extremely painful.

He didn’t want to pursue anything with Cloud anymore. The blonde had effectively killed any desire Leon had for intimacy. Every time the Carrier thought about it, their failed attempt seemed more and more wrong, and more and more like it should’ve never happened. He wished he had listened to his doubts about Cloud’s ability to change himself. He shouldn’t have trusted his Charge’s affection as genuine. The blonde’s nice words and deceptively real care and attentiveness were just there to make him feel better. It was never meant to last. Cloud was only doing what he felt he should do. The Carrier felt like a fool believing otherwise.

For Cloud, the three days he spent away from Leon were fraught with emotional turmoil he couldn’t rationalize. He couldn’t stop thinking about Aerith. It had been a while since his brain was stuck on her and he wasn’t prepared for it. He hadn’t slept at all during those lonesome nights, and dwelling on events he should’ve moved on from years ago was starting to damage his stability. Nothing he was doing felt right. The side effect of that, as he thought about Aerith at length, was that he couldn’t help but wonder what she would think about everything he had done with Leon. He couldn’t imagine a reaction that was positive.

He felt like he had taken everything he used to value and stomped it into the dirt. Despite his actions while in the throes of Mako addiction, he wasn’t really the sort of guy that would go out and try to sleep with thirty people in a week. Shallow meaningless sex was unsatisfying; that’s what his hands were for. Leon valued him more than shallow meaningless sex. He didn’t deserve that dead-end sort of intimacy that even Cloud didn’t want. The Charge was disappointed in himself, and he wouldn’t let his brain forget it again. He didn’t blame Leon for being upset.

The blonde needed to talk to his Carrier, but the idea filled him with anxiety. Even if he didn’t care about Leon or what the brunette was thinking, he needed his Carrier in order to sleep. When the sun rose on the fourth day, Cloud’s body was starting to hurt from the exhaustion. He really had tried to sleep on his own, but he was so upset with himself and brooding over so much emotional pain that it was impossible. Leon kept him anchored and calm; it was an invaluable trait. He needed it back, and eventually gathered the courage to find his Carrier.

Leon was in the lab with his eyes to the Extractor’s lenses. His dedication to their project despite the relationship issues it had brought him was very admirable in Cloud’s eyes. It also made him feel horrendously guilty. As a result, he couldn’t bring himself to go into the room right away. He milled around in the hallway trying to steady his breathing. After several minutes, he was able to enter. Leon glanced at the doors just enough to acknowledge his Charge.

“Do me a favor,” he said, his tone steady but soft. He finished what he was doing and stepped back from the machine, fixing his eyes on Cloud.

“What’s that?” the very tired Charge asked, feeling self conscious under the other’s unwavering attention. He didn’t understand how Leon could be so seemingly reasonable.

“Go out. Go out and meet people. Find a nice girl and fall in love with her. Get married, squeeze some kids out of her, and have a life worth living that you can be happy with. Okay?”

Cloud stared at his Carrier for a solid ten seconds before speaking again. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah, but…” the blonde trailed. He didn’t know what to say. He was stunned that that was the first thing Leon said to him after three days of not speaking. 

“You said you can’t do this. So don’t.”

“I know that’s what I said, but—“

“I can’t live a lie. Your guilt is what made you do all this with me. I can appreciate you wanting to try and make me happy but… I don’t want this. I’d rather go it alone than have something that’s one-sided. Even if it’s only one-sided fucking around,” Leon explained.

Cloud couldn’t comprehend why it felt like his entire world was starting to crumble and fall apart. It wasn’t the same sort of upset that he felt whenever he was struck with an unbelievable amount of guilt. It was more like when he had to leave his home to join the military and thought he wouldn’t come back. It was the same kind of feeling he got when Nana died, when he heard Aerith was gone, and when he realized he wouldn’t be able to give her a proper burial. It was a very strong sense of _loss_. He couldn’t fully wrap his head around it.

“Nothing else would have to change. You can still be here and be my Charge if you want to. I’d understand if you didn’t, though,” Leon continued.

 _Please stop talking like this…_ Cloud begged mentally.

“I mean, your wife might not feel like you should be having children with anyone else, but if that happens, you can leave of change jobs if you want. That’s okay too.”

_I don’t want that, though._

“I can’t imagine that you’d need me to encourage you to keep your job at Cid’s, too. Don’t stop doing that; you’ve been happier since you started there. Spending less time here has done you a lot of good; getting out and meeting new people will undoubtedly help too.”

 _Stop it_ , the blonde demanded wordlessly.

Cloud couldn’t hear the rest of whatever Leon was saying. His sensibilities were crushed under the weight of the feeling of abandonment. It was hard for him to breathe, and his haggard brain was working overtime to try and make sense of everything. Leon had only continued talking for a few seconds, but to Cloud it felt like hours because his mind started to cram a tidal wave of information down the mental pipeline all at once.

Despite the fact that she had been dead for a long while, Cloud couldn’t help but wonder what Aerith would say about how he felt. He was suddenly very concerned that she would be upset and disappointed, possibly even disgusted with him. It felt like he was betraying her in the worst ways possible. It was a very strange feeling. He was completely aware of how unreasonable he was being, but the panic was far too real to ignore. However, Leon kept talking at him long enough that he eventually figured out what the big deal was.

He felt like he was replacing her. Which meant Leon was on the same level as her in terms of meaningfulness, which also meant that Leon telling him to find someone else felt like Aerith was leaving him; and that was an excruciating sensation. The realization was very stabling, even if he couldn’t fully absorb the full gravity of the situation and what that meant for his future. At the very least he had a temporary explanation he could hang on to that made sense.

“—don’t have to worry about me,” Leon continued. Cloud had no idea what he was saying by that point.

“Shut up,” the blonde said flatly. The brunette furrowed his brows together and frowned. “I’m not going anywhere. I don’t like people enough to sit around in a public place and just hope the right one finds me. I’m not going to marry some random woman I meet in a bar. I have no desire to have any children with anyone else. I’m not going to quit Cid’s, but I don’t intend on spending anymore time there than I do already. And I stopped listening to you after that so if you said anything else and told me to do something, I’m not going to do it.

“I didn’t react well to… what we did. I panicked because I was scared and didn’t know what to expect. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I should’ve expected because it seemed pretty straightforward, but I’m an idiot. Despite how much you tell me you’re proud of me and tell me about all the progress I’ve made, I’m still just a giant idiot. I don’t know all the stuff you do, so I can’t prepare myself very well to accept all the new things. I’m not confident in my ability to do any of this, and maybe that’s why I said I couldn’t when I was feeling really vulnerable, but I probably should’ve just said I can’t do this without you.”

Leon stared at his Charge with raised eyebrows and visible shock on his face. “I… don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know either. All I know is that I’m standing over here feeling the world is going to end because you’re basically telling me you’re breaking up with me… and I never considered this situation before so I didn’t know how painful it’d be. I just realized it about ten seconds ago, too.”

“I didn’t realize that that was the sort of relationship we have,” Leon said.

“We don’t. Which is why it’s confusing. But, I can’t deny what it feels like.”

“So… what does that mean? Are you telling me you _do_ want to do this? Forgive my skepticism, but I think you’re lying to yourself.”

“I do want to. I’m not lying to myself. I’m just… Aerith,” Cloud huffed, his words turning muddled and frustrated.

“You’re just Aerith?”

“No, I mean I keep thinking about her.”

“Okay…”

“And I can’t help but think about how upset she’d be with me. Which is stupid, because it’s been so many years, but… I feel like she’d feel betrayed. Like… you’re taking her place.”

“Don’t even tell me you feel the same for me as you did for Aerith,” Leon said flatly.

“…Why not?”

The Carrier sighed. “Cloud. You’re very tired. I can see it on your face. I’ll come with you to your room and help you get to sleep. Come on.”

“Don’t do that. I’m serious.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why? Because we had some bad sex and I reacted weirdly to something I’ve never done before?”

“It’s a little bit of a bigger deal than reacting ‘weirdly,’ Cloud. I feel like a rapist. That’s not a state of mind to be in for the conversation you’re trying to have with me.”

Cloud was quiet for a moment as all of his vocabulary left him. “No. Don’t feel like that. Please,” the blonde insisted, stepping closer to his Carrier. “I promise you didn’t… do that to me. Seriously.”

“You told me once that you felt that I deserved to rape you at least once, didn’t you? Well, technically I interrupted you and didn’t let you do it, but the idea was there.”

“Yeah, I did, and if it had been like that I still wouldn’t hold it against you. But it wasn’t like that.”

“I don’t believe you. I can’t believe you.”

“Or do you not want to believe me? It’s fine if that’s the case. I just need you to say that,” Cloud said, though as he did there was a pain in his chest he couldn’t decipher.

“I would feel better talking about this if I couldn’t fit a week’s trip worth of clothing in the bags under your eyes.”

“The things I’m trying to talk about are the reasons I can’t sleep,” Cloud grumbled.

“That doesn’t change anything for me. I’ll help you get to sleep, you can spend some sensible time thinking, and then we can try this again. Once you feel a bit more normal, I’m sure you’ll see how ridiculous this is.”

Cloud didn’t have the mental strength argue anymore. Leon wasn’t going to let him win until he slept; which, if he was honest, sounded really nice. He was ready to feel normal again. But Leon’s reaction sparked a lot more questions that he wanted answered. His Carrier wasn’t telling him that he wasn’t interested, or that he didn’t feel the same. Considering the fact that Leon felt like a rapist, the fact that he didn’t immediately crush any doubt that the feelings weren’t mutual was surprising. To Cloud, that meant that whatever was underneath the bad stuff going on in his Carrier’s mind still wasn’t to the magnitude that would negate everything good. That was a positive thing.

\-------------------------

Leon did as he said and helped Cloud get to sleep. It didn’t take very long as his Charge was already mostly there by the time his head hit the pillow. Once he was out, the Carrier set up the other’s tablet to play the usual loop of soothing music the blonde had become accustomed to, and then took his leave. He didn’t want to be there when Cloud woke up. In fact, he hadn’t really wanted to be in the bed with his Charge at all, but he managed to force himself to be. The feelings of dedication towards his Charge and the desire to be as far away from him as possible clashed harshly and left him feeling drained. He didn’t know what to do anymore. Nothing they did together felt right.

“Is that a goat?” Leon asked, squinting at the Catalogue screen. Reno looked behind himself at the long horned cousin roaming around in his lab. He then turned his attention back to his friend with a smile.

“Yes. That is my cousin Marvin. He’s a _Steinbock_. Or, you know, an Alpine Ibex.”

“Why is he inside?”

“Fuck if know. Just dicking around, I guess,” the redhead said with a shrug.

“I see.”

“What’s up? I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Uh, well, I was hoping to talk to you about that. By ourselves.”

“Oh,” Reno said, turning in his seat. “Hey, fuck off for a minute,” he barked at his cousin. Marvin turned his attention to them for a brief moment before taking his leave, bunting the doors open with his horns as he did. Once alone, the redhead got up and locked the doors before going back to the console.

“Cloud and I had sex,” Leon said flatly. The proclamation was so abrupt that it caused Reno’s eyes to turn three times larger.

“Oh! Wow! That’s not what I expected you to say. Judging by your lack of enthusiasm I can only guess how well it went.”

“It was awful.”

“He… didn’t make you be on the receiving end did he?”

“No.”

“Then how was it awful? Was he a dead fish?”

“Well, yes, but I feel like I raped him.”

“…Did he tell you to stop?”

“No. In fact he told me to keep going. And since then has told me not to feel like I do because he doesn’t feel like I hurt him.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“He was in tears by the end of it and told me he couldn’t do it anymore. Less than an hour ago he told me he didn’t mean it and just reacted badly because he wasn’t used to it,” Leon explained.

“And… you don’t believe him?” Reno questioned.

“Not at all. I feel like he’s been forcing himself to be around me since the beginning.”

“Okay,” the redhead said, folding his arms over his chest with a thoughtful face. Leon pulled his legs up onto his seat with him and hugged his knees. “So, I can’t imagine you just up and decided to jump in the sack with him, so what was the buildup like? Did you even want to go through with it beforehand?”

“Yeah… it’s actually been really nice to be around him the last year or so. He’s been really… attentive.”

“Really?” Reno asked with obvious skepticism in his voice. He scrunched his brows together. “That is so hard for me to imagine.”

“I can see why you’d say that.”

“Well, even if it’s weird, I’m glad it’s happened. Do you love him?”

Leon hesitated. “I don’t want to.”

“But you do?”

“…I don’t know.”

“Leon.”

“Seriously, I really don’t. Whenever I feel like I do, I get this really strong sense of ‘I shouldn’t be doing this’ and it sort of cancels it out. But… it’s constant.”

“Hm,” Reno hummed curiously.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. Cloud is forcing himself to do all this with me because he wants me to feel better, but once I do it’s going to all go away anyway. There’s no point in putting on a show for… a few months of companionship or whatever length of time he can put up with,” the brunette said.

“He’s said he’s been pretending?”

“No, he’s done the opposite. He tried to tell me he felt the same way for me that he did for Aerith.”

“He loves you?”

“He didn’t say it directly like that, but that’s what I assumed he was trying to say.”

“Why only assume?”

“I stopped him before he could. He hasn’t slept in four days. He’s obviously not in his right mind. I put him to sleep and then called you.”

“I see,” Reno said with a bit of a frown.

“What’s that look for?” Leon questioned with a scowl.

“You’re sabotaging yourself. Which is sad.”

“I don’t think I am.”

“Of course you are. The guy is trying to tell you he feels something for you and you outright refuse to believe him. Even if it isn’t as deep as you think it’s trying to be, he still feels _something_. Which is good. Just let it happen.”

“Just let it happen at the risk of both of our sanities? What happens when he wakes up and realizes he’s been lying to himself?”

“Leon, you don’t seem to understand that relationships ebb and flow with time. Even if you believed he loved you, there isn’t a guarantee that it’d last forever despite how much you want it to. So what’s the difference? Which is worse? Going into it understanding that there are differences and watching for warning signs, or falling for it and being blindsided later on?”

“Do you think your relationship with Rude will ever fall apart?”

“I sincerely hope not, but I can’t predict the future,” Reno said. He shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. “We live a long time. Who knows what happens and who he meets and when it’ll happen? But how is that different from any other relationship outside of our circumstances?”

“The difference is that we don’t get the luxury of choice,” Leon said. “If this doesn’t work, I have nothing. He would still have everything.”

“So, instead of taking a ‘maybe,’ you’re going to volunteer yourself to a life of solitude?”

“It’s not just for my sake.”

“He’d be happier without you?”

“Yes.”

“Sounds like you’re not confident in your ability to be a good lover.”

“Yeah, I know,” the feline Carrier said, frowning. “I am incapable of giving him the things he prefers. He doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like what I can offer him—“

“But he likes you.”

“Not in a way that facilitates the relationship you think we should have.”

“Leon, we’re going in circles with this. You obviously won’t listen to what I’m saying so why are you trying to talk to me about this?” Reno said dismissively. “You tell me that Cloud is trying to admit that he loves you, and then you tell me he’s delusional. I tell you to just listen to him and take his word for it; you then tell me I’m wrong. Rinse and repeat. We’re never going to agree. If you want to argue about nothing because you’re upset and confused, then fine, we can argue.  But at least try to make it interesting.”

Leon sighed and was quiet for a moment. “How did you make it work with Rude?”

“Well I trusted him, for one. I don’t blame you for not trusting Cloud, but if you want to make this work, you sort of need to.”

“I meant the physical stuff.”

“Oh. Well, I may have gotten him a little drunk.”

“…Seriously?”

“Yeah. But it was just enough for him to make decisions he would’ve normally been too nervous to make while sober, but not enough for him to forget and not comprehend what was happening the next morning. I also was on the receiving end; not the other way around. Though I can see why you did it your way.”

“Cloud told me that’s what he wanted. He said he wouldn’t be able to do it the other way because he’d think he was hurting me the whole time.”

“Understandable. And sort of cute.”

“I guess. I don’t really want to get him drunk, though. He doesn’t have a good track record with that.”

“Think he’d smoke with you?”

“…I hadn’t considered that. I asked him before just to see if he wanted to, but not as a means to an end.”

“Try that. Might help.”

“I think I will.”

\---------------

Cloud didn’t wake up until after lunchtime the next day. In his hazy sleep-addled mind, he wasn’t thinking very much. He lay around for a while, trying to figure out why he felt like such a brick stuck in a thick mud puddle. It eventually occurred to him that he could hear his tablet playing music and that the device could tell him the time; he completely forgot about the watch on his wrist. Groggily, he pulled the screen closer to himself and discovered that it was into the wee hours of the afternoon a day after he remembered it being. Once that piece of information sunk in, he suddenly bolted upright and looked around for Leon, the previous day’s conversation flooding back to him.

His Carrier wasn’t around. The doors that led to his Catalogue Terminal and his bathroom were open and the rooms beyond them were empty, too. He sighed and flopped back against his pillows, feeling an unsettling loneliness wash over him. There once was a time where Leon would stay with him regardless of how long he slept, but those times were over, he supposed. He could remember everything his Carrier said the day before. Or rather, he could remember the parts he had paid attention to. He couldn’t decide if Leon was just trying to be polite by not outright telling him to fuck off or if his Carrier had just been scared to try something with him again. He was hoping for the latter.

After a half hour of stewing in his own mind, Cloud decided that he wanted to try a different approach. His Carrier obviously didn’t want to talk to him and actually listen; he just wanted to blather on and hope Cloud would follow his directions. Cloud wasn’t so easily deterred. If feeling like a rapist was the only issue Leon had then Cloud had to work to make sure the Carrier never feel like that again. He hadn’t realized Leon even felt that way to begin with, so he doubted his ability to just fake enjoyment and convince the brunette that things had changed and everything was suddenly okay. No, he had to learn to actually enjoy it. And for that, he couldn’t think of anyone better to help him than Zack.

“Fuck me until I like it,” Cloud said crankily, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Um… no?” Zack said, squinting suspicious eyes at the other Charge as he stood in the entryway into his and Tifa’s lab. He hadn’t seen the blonde in months and to have him suddenly appear in front of him with such demands was very jarring to say the least.

The sound of naked feet against tile pattered across the lab as Tifa hurried her way to the door. She butted her way into the conversation by way of literally shoving her Charge aside and out of her way with ease. Zack stumbled away with a loud grunt, nearly falling over had he not caught the doorframe on the way down. Tifa reached up and draped her arms over Cloud’s shoulders, her eyes sparkling as a wide smile pulled across her face.

“Did I hear that right? You want to be fucked until you like it? Because I have things for that,” she asked, her voice on the edge of sounding giddy.

“Tifa…” Zack trailed angrily, pulling himself back into place. The Carrier looked over her shoulder at him.

“Hm?”

“You’re not even going to ask me about this?”

“I never said I was for-sure going to initiate anything; just making sure I heard right.”

“Sure sounded like you were for-sure.”

“Well, too bad, I wasn’t,” Tifa said with a huff. She turned her attention back to Cloud.

“Yeah, I said it,” the blonde said, too frustrated with his predicament to be embarrassed. And not the good sort of frustrated.

“You’re speaking my language,” the woman said.

“Alright, alright, alright,” Zack grumbled, waving his hands in front of himself. “Stop it.”

“Why are you so cranky?” Tifa asked, stepping away from Cloud.

“Do you _really_ have to ask?” her Charge questioned.

“Yeah. Neither of us have done anything wrong. Or are you _still_ having problems getting over shit from months ago?”

“No, what I’m cranky about is the fact that we haven’t seen him or Leon in forever and then he shows up out of nowhere and demands shit from me. Then you put your hands all over him.”

“Tut tut, Zackary, jealousy isn’t very sexy,” Tifa said, wagging her finger at him.

“Tifa!” Zack barked angrily. She sighed and turned to Cloud.

“Hang on a second,” she said, pulling the door closed. She then tugged her Charge further into the lab so the blonde couldn’t hear. “Are you serious right now? Do you really think I’m that much of an asshole that I’d initiate something with him so easily and then ignore how you feel? He’s obviously had a problem with Leon at some point. Why else would he be here demanding such things from you? Not me. You.”

“How can you be so certain that it’s just me and not you too?”

“Because he didn’t make an attempt to touch me back when I hung myself on him. He doesn’t seem all that interested in what I have.”

“But—“

“Just relax, okay?” Tifa reassured. She stepped closer and hugged him around his middle. He embraced her back. “I’m sorry I made you worry. But you really don’t have to. Let’s just see what he wants from you and go from there.”

Zack sighed heavily. “Fine.”

“Thank you,” the Carrier said with a smile. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek before leaving him to retrieve Cloud.

“Everything okay now?” the blonde asked, helping himself to a seat at their exam table. He slouched back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest again. Zack sat across from him and Tifa sat on her Charge’s knee.

“Yep,” the woman said.

“Can we know what this is really about?” Zack asked impatiently.

“I need to learn how to enjoy taking a cock in my ass,” the younger Charge said without hesitation.

“Have you tried actually shoving a cock in your ass?” Tifa asked.

“Yes. It didn’t end well.”

“Oh. I hadn’t expected you to admit that.”

“Didn’t end well? What’d you do? Shit on him?” Zack asked.

“No. I just didn’t react well,” Cloud said flatly. “Now Leon feels like a rapist.”

“Aaaand… taking more cocks in the ass is supposed to fix that?”

“Not directly. But if I learn to like it, he won’t have to feel that way ever again. I also don’t have to focus on faking anything and might actually have a positive relationship with him. For once.”

“That sounds nice,” Tifa admitted.

“I agree,” Cloud said.

“I agree too, but I’m not going to fuck you,” Zack said.

“That’s fine. I figured I’d try. I’ll find someone else,” the blonde said, standing from his seat.

“There’s someone else?” the older Charge asked.

“I’m sure I can find someone to pay for this if I need to.”

“You’re serious? You’re going to turn to prostitution for this? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Zack spat.

“A lot is wrong with me. Especially the fact that no matter how much I yell at myself, hate myself, or get angry at myself, I can’t change the bullshit Midgar shoved into my head. I’ve discovered that it doesn’t matter how much I care about someone; I can’t do this by myself. Leon doesn’t want to touch me, so I tried my only other relatively easy option. You don’t want to, which I totally understand, so now I have to try the not as easy option,” Cloud explained plainly. The lack of emotion and expression on his face was unsettling for Zack.

“Do you understand the risks you’re inviting on yourself with that decision?”

“Yes. I do.”

“And you understand that you have one other option?”

“What’s that?”

“Just… not doing this? Forcing yourself to be something you’re not isn’t—“

“Stop. Just stop,” Cloud said, putting a hand up to cut off the other’s words. “I understand what I’m trying to do.”

“I don’t think you do—“

“Stop! Don’t fucking tell me that! Do you really think I’d be here if I wasn’t serious? Why would I risk more ridicule and torment from a guy that’s made it _very_ clear he doesn’t like me if I wasn’t fucking desperate for help?”

“He has a point, Zack,” Tifa said, looking to her Charge with light disappointment ghosting across her features.

“So, what? That’s automatically going to make me want to fuck him?” Zack asked rhetorically.

“No, but… you could show him what we did to get you acclimated,” she replied.

“I don’t want to.”

“Then don’t. I just figured I’d ask. I’ll be fine,” Cloud said. He turned on his heel and headed for the doors.

Tifa watched the blonde leave with a frown. “You’re really just going to let him walk away?” she asked, turning to Zack again.

“Why shouldn’t I?” he said.

“Because I thought we got over this… whatever the hostility was that you two had before.”

“I did. I just don’t like him enough to do what he’s asking.”

“I see,” the woman said. She made a thoughtful face.

“Did you really want to fuck him that bad? Is that what this is?” Zack asked grumpily.

“No, actually, I’m thinking about Leon.”

“What about him?”

“I think he’s going to be very upset if Cloud finds someone to help him and then catches some weird disease from it.”

“That’s Cloud’s decision.”

“I know. But I do think there’s some legitimacy to what he was trying to do. He said ‘it doesn’t matter how much I care about someone,’ which in my head makes it very obvious that he cares about Leon enough to force himself to like something he doesn’t. He’s willing to put himself at a lot of risk to make this work. For Leon. That’s significant. Stupid, but significant.”

“I agree. It’s stupid.”

“Well, didn’t you do basically the exact same thing for me?”

“It’s different.”

“How so?” Tifa asked.

“I don’t believe that they have the sort of relationship you and I do.”

“Do you mean to say that theirs isn’t as strong?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know something I don’t? Have you talked to Leon?”

“Well, no…”

“So how can you be so certain?”

“It just seems so unrealistic.”

“Improbable and impossible are two different things.”

“I know, but—“

Tifa sighed. “Zack. Stop. Just take him to see Tajim, get him some stuff, and make sure he’s safe. It doesn’t have to go any further than that. Even if they’re at odds with one another, I can’t imagine Leon not being upset if we let Cloud try to figure this out on his own. Knowing the way that idiot gets things done, he’s liable to rip all his innards out through his anus somehow.”

“Maybe we should let him. That’d do him some good. Teach him how ridiculous this is,” Zack said. His Carrier stood and held out her hands to him. He took them and let her pull him up and out of the chair.

“It’s not our place to teach him lessons he doesn’t ask for,” she said, standing on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek again. She then nudged him towards the door. Zack grumbled to himself as he left.

“Cloud!” the older Charge called down the hall. The blonde’s distant form stopped and turned to face him, his hands in his pockets. Zack jogged to catch up.

“What?” Cloud asked impatiently.

“I’m going to show you what worked for me.”

“Did Tifa promise to let you drag your balls across her face or something? Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Ah, no. There were no promises made. However, for the record, I don’t have to do favors for her in order to do things with her. That’s sort of a perk that comes along with having a good relationship with someone. No, she just made a strong point and I agreed with it enough to help you.”

“And what point was that?”

“You’re an idiot and are most likely going to hurt yourself trying to figure this out on your own; then Leon would be upset with us.”

Cloud frowned, but didn’t disagree. “Fine. Whatever. What’re we doing, then?”

“We’re going to the store Tifa took Leon to,” Zack said, continuing on towards the doors that led outside. Cloud fell in step with him.

“That sounds like a scary place. I’m not sure I want to experience that.”

“Did you want my help or not?”

Cloud sighed, but kept following.

\----------------

 _Why the fuck am I doing this to myself?_ The blonde asked himself. His head was filled with a thick stew of toxic thoughts and confusion. He would remember that he was putting himself through such ventures because of Leon, forget, and then have to remind himself. That would in turn make him feel guilty for forgetting, and then his mind would eventually get so full of self loathing that he’d go numb. Then he’d start the process over again. In the back of his head, he wondered if Leon’s depression felt similar to what he was going through. Self hate, numbness, guilt, and then more self hate. It was a vicious cycle, and he yearned for a way to distract himself. Luckily, Zack was there to fill the time between thought processes.

“How many guys have you… been with?” the blonde asked awkwardly. Things had been mostly quiet between them for the majority of their walk into town and the question came out of nowhere for the older Charge.

“I lost count thirty years ago,” Zack said casually.

“And you’ve done… all the… stuff?” Cloud persisted strangely. He wasn’t even sure what he was trying to ask.

“I’m not sure what you mean by ‘stuff’ but I’ve done a lot of different things, yes.”

“Because of Tifa? Or did you actually want to eventually?”

“It started because of her. But it eventually became something I wanted to do, yeah.”

Cloud furrowed his brows together as he tried to comprehend the idea of actually having a real urge to do things with another man. It made him very uncomfortable. “That’s so weird to me. I can’t even imagine sharing someone with someone else regardless of whom or what the other partners were.”

“It takes a lot of trust. Everything Tifa and I have done together takes a lot of trust. Even the simple face-to-face-just-us times.”

“I don’t understand why the… I don’t want to say ‘normal’ but you get what I mean, right? The regular stuff. I don’t understand why that takes trust just like the extreme stuff does. I can get the trust part when you talk about involving other people and trying new things but… standard things? Doesn’t that just come with the territory?”

“Yes and no. It’s a lot easier to initiate those sorts of things, but I still have to trust that they’re just as meaningful to her as the times that’re more involved and kind of crazy. She loves me, and is never going to tell me if I’m bad at something like that, so I have to trust that she’s getting something out of it versus just flexing her acting skills.”

“I guess.”

“You’ve told me before that you trust Leon. Is that not true anymore?”

“No, I do… but I just… I don’t know,” Cloud sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Doesn’t trust mean you’re okay with whatever is going on? And just… know that it’s okay and not going to go wrong? Until I can get over this weirdness I feel, I don’t think I can say that I trust him and have it be honest.”

“That’s not necessarily true. New things are always going to feel strange and awkward, especially if you’re with someone who matters to you and you really don’t want to make an ass of yourself in front of them. You need to find something you like about whatever it is, and stick with it. Given enough time, you’ll find new things to like just by repeating the processes over and over. But the best part is that, once you get used to doing them, you eventually learn not to be awkward when it comes to more new things. And hopefully, that also means that you’re not nervous around whoever you’re with regardless of what you’re doing. But all of that is built on a foundation of trust regardless of how small the action is. Get it?”

“I suppose,” the blonde said, though he didn’t sound very convinced by Zack’s optimism.

“Well, if you’re in doubt, you don’t have to take my word for it. Just be as open and honest as you can be with Leon and I’m sure he won’t force you into something out of your league.”

“He’s never forced me to do anything. Ever. I don’t think he ever will, either.”

“I can agree with that. But if I was you, I’d do some soul searching and figure out what specific thing about this whole situation makes you feel strange. And I’m not talking about the basic ‘this is a weird feeling that I’ve never felt before’ bullshit. I mean, dig your hands into the fattest part of your brain and really dissect why you’re having a problem. Chances are, it’s something really small that you weren’t even aware of.”

“I guess.”

“I’d be interested to hear about it if you ever figure it out,” Zack said genuinely.

“Eh… I’ll have to think about that.”

“That’s fair.”


	107. Chapter 107

Chapter 107

“Zack!” Tajim exclaimed when the older Charge and Cloud came through the sex shop’s doors together. The blonde immediately had huge doe eyes as he was assaulted by the overwhelming stock the store was crammed with.

“Hey there!” Zack said cheerfully with a wave. The shopkeeper came around from behind his checkout area to greet them.

“I haven’t seen you in a while; just Tifa. How’ve you been? What brings you in?”

“Everything’s been great. Nothing new, really. My life isn’t exciting enough for it to change much over the course of six months. Even more so, I’m not here for me or Tifa. We’re here for him,” the Charge said, pointing over his shoulder to Cloud. The blonde was too distracted to notice the attention.

“He seems a bit concerned,” Tajim remarked, leaning closer to Zack and lowering his voice. The older Charge nodded.

“Do you remember Leon?” Zack asked. The shopkeeper made a thoughtful expression as he tried to put a face to the name from several months prior. “Came in with Tifa a while ago? Long brown hair?”

“A Carrier?”

“Yeah.”

“I think I do.”

“He was here looking for things for his Charge.”

“Was he the one with the intriguing candles?”

“Yeah!”

“Then yes I do!”

“This is his Charge,” Zack said, motioning to aforementioned blonde. “This is Cloud.”

“Hm?” the younger Charge hummed, having noticed his name being said.

“Cloud, this is Tajim, and this is his shop,” Zack said.

“Hi. Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I’m a bit overwhelmed,” Cloud said.

“Hello. Never been to a place like this before?” Tajim asked with a smile.

“No. It never occurred to me that somewhere like this would exist, and they didn’t have stores like this where I come from.”

“Didn’t occur to you that it would exist?” Zack asked with disbelief. “Where do you think Tifa and I got all our stuff from?”

Cloud shrugged. “It was enough knowledge that it all existed. I didn’t think about it past that. I didn’t _want_ to think about it past that.”

“And now we’re here for you. How ironic.”

“Yeah, I realize that.”

“You should be excited! This is a happy place!” Tajim said happily, a wide smile spreading across his face.

“Sorry,” Cloud said, warily scanning the walls.

“Cloud grew up in an emotionally and sexually stunted place,” Zack said.

“Where you came from?” the shopkeeper guessed.

“Ah, yeah. More or less.”

“I see. So we’re basically starting from the beginning from where you were. Mhm. I get what we’re doing now. That’s very admirable of you.”

“It’s mostly Tifa’s idea.”

“Sure, sure,” Tajim deflected.

Cloud stepped away from them and further into the shop, leaving Tajim to tease Zack with his inexperienced past. The menagerie of toys on the walls was completely overwhelming for him. He had a very rough idea of what they were for and what they did, but the longer he stared at them, the less clear it became. It wasn’t so much that Tajim had been stocking strange contraptions that had weird mechanical elements to them, and Cloud could make a fairly accurate guess what dildos were for, but he couldn’t understand the point to them. He could comprehend the words on the packaging well enough -  ‘vibrating’ and ‘pulsating’ weren’t hard to figure out – but he couldn’t see the point.

Even more so, he couldn’t understand why anyone would need any of the products if they were in a relationship they were truly happy in. Tifa and Zack’s escapades still didn’t seem right despite Zack trying to explain it to him. He felt like something was lacking if they felt they needed toys in order to keep things exciting. The concept that they might just have a mutual interest they can happily explore together hadn’t crossed his mind. However, he didn’t let his doubts detract from what he was trying to do. His reason for being there was more practical, he felt. Once Leon was happier being with him, he wouldn’t need the things he and Zack might buy.

“See something you like?” Zack asked. Cloud was standing in front of a display of colorful plugs with a furrowed brow and a concerned look.

“This says that these glass things are plugs. Plugs for what?” the younger Charge asked, pointing at a small sign.

“Asses, mostly.”

“If your ass needs a plug you shouldn’t be using your ass for sex,” Cloud said with a frown.

Zack laughed. “That’s not quite what that implies, but okay.”

“Well what other purpose could this possibly serve?”

“It doesn’t really have to be a utility sort of purpose; it can just be a nice thing to have. Some people just like the feeling.”

“The feeling of an elaborate cork in your ass?”

“Well, if you think about it, if Leon just parked his cock up your butt, would it not be the same thing?”

Cloud was silent for a moment. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he tried his hardest not to cringe. “Right. Exactly the same thing.”

“Did that make you uncomfortable?”

“Yes. Very much. But I don’t like that it did. So let’s just ignore it and move on.”

“Fair enough,” Zack said. He found Cloud’s sincerity somewhat unsettling. Mostly because he was still convinced that everything they were doing was a mistake. Just because Cloud was being genuine didn’t mean that everything was right.

The older Charge led his companion over to the opposite wall where there were peg hooks and shelves filled to the brim with varying sizes and shapes of dildos and vibrators. The rainbow of colors made Cloud’s eyes cross. Once he could process what he was looking at, he wasn’t sure what to say. He tried to imagine shoving such instruments into himself and he found it to be very difficult to visualize. Furrowing his brows, he wondered what enjoyment anyone would get out of the toys. Surely, having a live partner was better. Zack watched Cloud closely, studying his tense body language.

The bell above the door rang as a pair of young women entered the shop, talking excitedly amongst themselves. Tajim approached and greeted them and asked what they were in for. He then led them over to the wall where Zack and Cloud were. Overcome with sudden embarrassment and shame, Cloud backed away and went to stand closer to the checkout counter where there were fewer things for him to be associated with. Zack watched him curiously for a moment before following him.

“Let’s head over here for now,” he said, hooking his arm with Cloud’s and leading him further into the store. He stopped at another display of silicone models of varying styles of female anatomy and anuses; things someone might want to stick a penis into. It was an environment Zack assumed Cloud would be more familiar with.

“Are these really what I think they are?” the blonde asked strangely.

“Yeah. Don’t these just make you want to shove your dick in them?”

“No. This is really disturbing, actually. It’s like a bunch of pelvises and torsos just lying around as if someone hacked a bunch of women up. Why is all this bullshit appealing to people? I don’t get it.”

“Well, there are several reasons people might like this. They can’t get a real woman to sleep them, they aren’t attracted to actual humans, or, it’s just an experiment to them. Who knows? I just showed you them because it was obvious that the plastic dicks weren’t doing much for you. Now I know it’s all of this in general; not just the dicks. That’s valuable info.”

Cloud shrugged. “I’ve just never had the urge to shove inanimate objects into or onto myself. I’ve only ever had the desire to fuck actual people.”

“And that’s fine, but I encourage you to take a deep breath and relax a little.”

“I’ve been trying to do that since we got here.”

“Try harder.”

“Thanks. Real helpful,” the blonde said with a sigh.

“No problem!”

“But if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not stay here for hours and hours. What are we here for specifically?”

“A prostate wand and a dildo. Maybe a vibrator.”

Cloud stared at him for a moment with a furrowed brow and a raised lip. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. If you want to learn to like the feeling of stuff up your ass you need to, well… stuff your ass.”

“And this is what you did with Tifa?”

“Yes, actually. These are things that you’re going to use to replicate the feeling of Leon fucking you. Do it until you like it or until you decide to understand how ridiculous you’re being.”

“I see.”

“If you think about it, this has nothing to do with what feels good and what doesn’t. Your body functions the same as mine but your mind doesn’t. All of your roadblocks are mental. If you massage your prostate, it’s going to feel good. It’s whether or not you’re sitting there screaming at yourself about how wrong it supposedly is that makes the difference.”

“And you’re completely certain it’ll feel good? Without a doubt? How can you be so sure?”

“Because you have the same number and the same placement of nerve endings that I do, that’s how I know. Unless you have some sort of medical condition, in which case, I don’t think shoving things up your ass should be a priority. How this goes for you is determined entirely by how you interpret it. If your head is wrapped up in the ‘this is different and it makes me anxious’ then you’ll never learn to like it,” Zack said.

“Okay… so what would you suggest?”

“Don’t think about it; just do it. Use a bunch of lube and do it.”

Cloud felt that was easier said than done. He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. Trudging after Zack, he followed the older Charge back to the wall of imitation phalluses. The two women that had entered the store were discussing between themselves as they picked up different products and looked them over. Cloud stood off to the side and vaguely paid attention to what Zack was talking about. He figured it was easiest to let the other Charge pick whatever toys he felt the blonde should use and go with it. However, Zack kept trying to get his input, completely ignoring the other pairs of ears present. Cloud’s attention flicked between Zack and the women several times, his cheeks turning red.

“Just pick whatever you want and let’s go already,” the blonde said grumpily.

“You don’t want to have an opinion?” Zack asked.

“I don’t know what most of this is; my opinion is useless.”

“Not even for a color?”

“I don’t care.”

“Even pink?”

“Is pink an incorrect color?”

“Well, no, but… you know.”

“…No, I don’t know.”

“Pink is generally regarded as a feminine color. Have you never noticed?”

“It hadn’t been brought to my attention. Maybe they glued genders to their colors in Gongaga, but not where I’m from. Apparently my mother never saw the significance and felt it was a waste of time to teach me such things.”

“But you never noticed that pink is predominantly found on women?”

“Now that I think about it, yeah, but had you not said anything I wouldn’t have.”

“I see. Interesting.”

“Hm, yes, interesting. Pink, otherwise known as light red, the most female of the colors is such a worthy subject of study,” Cloud said condescendingly. He gave Zack a grumpy scowl. “Just pick out the fake dicks out and let’s go.”

“Alright alright,” the older Charge sighed. He grabbed several toys and made his way over to the checkout counter.

“Excuse me,” rang an effeminate voice. Both Charges turned to see the women standing behind them. One was looking at Cloud.

“Yeah?” the blonde questioned. Just having her stare at him so expectantly made him nervous. Especially since she had been present and was aware of the things Zack had grabbed for him.

“I just wanted to thank you,” she said.

“For what?”

“Your opinion on colors was refreshing to hear. My younger brother is still in high school and he likes pink and… girly stuff, for lack of a better term. He gets beat up and picked on for it a lot. It’s nice to hear that some people don’t give a damn.”

“Oh. You’re welcome.”

Smiling, the women left them to go back to their browsing. Zack paid for Cloud’s toys and bid his goodbyes to Tajim with only a few minutes of extra conversation. Cloud wasn’t paying attention and was focusing mostly on the floor. When he was finished with his social pleasantries, the older Charge hooked his arm with his younger companion’s and started tugging him towards the door. Cloud clomped after him, awkwardly being pulled against his will. He managed to wave goodbye to Tajim as they made it out into the street. Once able to walk normally again, Zack handed Cloud his nondescript bag full of new experiences. It was a lot heavier than he expected.

“How much bullshit did you buy?” Cloud asked with a disgruntled look.

“Enough,” Zack said dismissively.

“Oh…kay,” the blonde trailed.

“We need to stop at one other place.”

“We do?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“Clothing store. Hopefully we can find one with clothes actually in the store. A lot of them closed.”

“Uh… what for? I have clothes.”

“I’m going to buy you some pants that actually fit.”

“…Why?”

“Because I’ve been told you have an ass that could kill.”

“My ass isn’t the reason I wear bigger pants.”

“I know, but you should show off what you’ve got,” Zack said with a nonchalant shrug.

“Why does it matter?” Cloud grumbled.

“Because you’re trying to entice a guy who doesn’t want to touch you. If you put yourself on display, he might want to touch you. It’s pretty simple, really.”

\--------------------------

“I feel like I should give you some fair warning,” Tifa said. She had called Leon after she had taken a nap; all Leon could see was an extreme close-up of her sideways face amongst her pillows.

Leon himself had spent most of the day working and had made some substantial progress. He had just been considering waking Cloud up since he was under the impression the blonde was still asleep. There was a glob of DNA in the Gestational Terminal that was waiting for them to pick out features. Leon had done just enough work on it in order to put the sample into hibernation for the time being. Tifa’s call had interrupted his mental preparation of going to wake his Charge up to tell him they have a child to make. Caught between conflicting feelings, the younger Carrier’s solution for dealing with it was to light up his kiseru and smoke.

“Warn me about what?” he asked, exhaling a trail.

“Cloud came to visit us and – long story short – he’s now shopping for dildos with Zack,” the woman said simply. Leon’s face was devoid of emotion for a moment but it slowly scrunched up as the horror set in.

“You’re not serious,” he said.

“Oh, but I am.”

“Was this your idea? I feel like it was your idea.”

“Not directly. Cloud came to us desperate for us to help him again. If we weren’t going to help him, he was going to turn to prostitution. I figured that’d make you upset.”

Leon sighed and ran a hand over his tired face. “Why is he such a goddamn idiot?”

“I like to think of him as ‘enthusiastic.’ It makes me feel better.”

“Don’t be delusional.”

“But I’m happier that way,” Tifa giggled. She rolled onto her side and set Zack’s tablet a short distance in front of her; enough for Leon to see her shoulders. She was wearing an oversized t-shirt.

“Anyway,” the male Carrier said, taking another drag. “So you decided to help him, then? And for that you needed dildos?”

“Yeah. It’s how Zack got himself accustomed to the new experiences. He just fooled around in the shower by himself for a while so he didn’t embarrass himself. Then we tried stuff together. It worked out.”

“I see.”

“Zack doesn’t know I’m talking to you. So hopefully he’ll just tell Cloud what to do and if it works out then you might have some fun. If it doesn’t and he’s too turned off, he probably won’t mention it. No harm no foul.”

“If you say so.”

“I do say so. And who knows? You might end up experimenting with him and you might like it too.”

“Doubtful.”

“Aw, spoilsport.”

“The idea just doesn’t appeal to me, is all.”

“Yeah, yeah. We’ll break you eventually.”

“Whatever you say, Tifa,” Leon sighed, pulling in another mouthful of smoke. He held it for a moment before letting it trail out through his nose.

The woman laughed a bit under her breath. She was quiet for a moment before her expression faded and turned somewhat sad. “Can I tell you something?” she asked, hugging a pillow to herself and settling her chin on it.

“Sure,” Leon said.

“Don’t tell Zack.”

“…Okay.”

“I’m pregnant,” she mumbled, her eyes immediately turning misty.

“…With cubs, right?”

“No. It’s his.”

Leon took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Okay. Wow.”

“I know,” Tifa said, wiping her eyes dry.

“Have you reported it to the Technicians yet?”

“Sort of. I called Ansem directly versus making an official report.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t want Zack to figure it out through an email confirmation.”

“Why haven’t you told him?”

Tifa sighed, her eyes watering more. “I just… I just wanted to hang onto it as long as possible, I guess.”

“Tifa…”

“I know. I know,” she said sadly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too. Zack’s going to be really upset.”

“I can imagine. I would be too.”

“I don’t want to tell him.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“Ansem called me a little bit ago and said he’d send the vacuum thing over; it should be here in a couple days.”

“I can’t believe they make the Charges do this. It’s so cruel.”

Tifa shrugged. “Why waste the manpower, I guess? It takes twenty minutes once everything is prepped.”

“Which is equally as sad to me.”

“It is, but I would rather it be over with quickly than make it some long arduous process.”

“Very true,” Leon agreed.

The doorknob on Tifa’s door started to jiggle around and make a soft clicking noise as a key was used from the other side. A moment later Zack appeared in the doorway by himself. Leon could only assume he and Cloud had parted ways and that his Charge was coming back to their side of the facility alone. The brunette wasn’t sure how he wanted to handle his own situation. He was supposed to be oblivious to Zack and Cloud’s adventure and not eager to figure out how it went, but he really wanted the blonde to be in the lab with him.

“Oh, hey Leon. What’s up?” Zack asked with a smile.

“Hey. Nothing much, just making small talk as I wait for Cloud to wake up,” Leon said.

“Wow, been asleep all day has he?” the Charge said. Tifa slowly pushed herself up and faced him. Zack frowned when he saw her face. “What’s wrong?”

“I need to talk to you about something,” the woman said quietly. She turned to the tablet screen and gave Leon a tiny apologetic smile. “I’m sorry to end this so abruptly, but I’ll talk to you later.”

“Understood,” Leon said.

The silence that followed was deafening. Leon sat by himself for several minutes, absorbing the story Tifa had told. Having to abort a very wanted pregnancy was something that made him physically ache with only a thought. He wasn’t a woman so he would never be able to relate to the physical trauma associated with the process, but he could understand the loss very well. In fact, it was his past loss that made him extremely nervous about bringing Cloud into the lab with him right then. His Charge hadn’t touched the Gestational Terminal since he had bashed a chair through the previous one’s cylindrical chambers and Leon was having a difficult time keeping his anxiety in check because of it.

After about a half hour by himself, Cloud nudged open the doors to the lab quietly. The blonde peeked inside and saw Leon sitting near the Catalogue Terminal with a thin string of smoke leading out from the kiseru he held between his fingers. The Carrier was watching the trail twist up towards the ceiling with a blank and unfeeling expression. Cloud couldn’t tell if Leon was thinking about something or if he was just zoning out. Or both. Both were just as possible. Either way, he could tell his Carrier wasn’t happy and tried to think of what he could do to help. There wasn’t much. He had dropped off his purchases in his room already so it wasn’t like he could just whip out an imitation penis and hope for a laugh.

“Everything okay?” the blonde decided to ask. Being up front always seemed to work in some capacity.

“Hm? Oh. Good morning,” the Carrier said blandly once his attention snapped to his Charge.

“Are you alright?” Cloud asked. He stepped into the lab and made his way over to Leon.

“I just got off a call with Tifa.”

“Oh. And?”

“She’s got some issues she’s trying to tackle and I feel bad for her,” the brunette said, taking another drag from his pipe.

“What’re they about?” Cloud persisted, pulling up a chair in order to sit near him.

“She’s pregnant.”

“Oh. Oh _wow_. That’s not what I expected at all. But that’s good, right? Zack likes kids.”

“That’s not the problem.”

“Oh.”

“She’s a Carrier who hasn’t met her natural offspring quota. She doesn’t get to keep her human child.”

“I forgot about the whole… cub thing.”

“It’s sort of an important detail, Cloud.”

“Right, I know, but I haven’t even seen any cubs anywhere so how am I supposed to remember these things?” the blonde huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. Leon shrugged.

“Well, regardless, that’s Tifa’s story. She’s told Zack about it by now, I think. He came into the room and she ended our call, so that’s what I assume happened.”

“That sucks,” Cloud sighed. “So she has to give it up for adoption, then?”

“… Ah, no. That’s now how this works,” Leon murmured, realizing he had never had this sort of discussion with his Charge before; it wasn’t one he had to be concerned about personally.

“I don’t understand. And don’t tell me someone’s going to punch her in the stomach until she miscarries because that’s the alternative I’m picturing here.”

“No, there’s a medical procedure she’ll go through that will remove the baby from her before it gets too big.”

“… What?” Cloud questioned, scrunching his nose up. “Who thought that shit up? What asshole sits around and plans that?”

“Well, it’s oftentimes used as a medical necessity when the pregnancy won’t be carried to term because something’s gone wrong and leaving it alone would cause harm to the mother. But, it can serve as a method of birth control to terminate unwanted pregnancies. In this case, the Technicians don’t want the pregnancy, so they’re going to have Tifa get rid of it.”

“So someone is going to come cut her open and steal it from her?”

“No. They’re sending a machine over. It’s basically a glorified vacuum cleaner. Zack’ll use it to… vacuum out her uterus more or less.”

“Zack has to?” Cloud asked, pushing his brows together sadly.

“Yeah. Charges have to take care of it.”

“But… it’s his kid!”

“I know. I don’t like it either.”

“That’s fucking bullshit!” Cloud barked angrily.

“I agree,” Leon said, taking another long drag from his pipe.

“I can’t believe this. That shit should be illegal,” the blonde grumbled. He stood from his seat and started pacing back and forth, his eyes to the ground and his hands folded behind his back as he struggled to internalize the new information.

“Abortion wasn’t really a thing in Midgar so I don’t blame you for your feelings, but the procedure does have actual legitimate uses and saves a lot of lives. It’s just the Carrier context that’s unnecessarily cruel. Believe me, a lot of pregnancies in this world have a lot of problems that would ultimately lead to more mothers dying before the child can be born, or they’re just not viable. Radiation exposure does strange things to developing lives. It’s best to have a safe procedure that removes the problem versus letting it run its course and losing two lives instead of one.”

“I guess…”

“That’s also ignoring the traumatic pregnancies brought about by rape or incest. Those aren’t any better for a lot of women.”

Cloud sighed. He stopped pacing and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah… I just… I can’t imagine wanting to do that to your own child. Or being forced to. It’s too much.”

“Well normally the partners aren’t the ones doing the procedure. They have doctors for that. But Charges _are_ their Carrier’s doctors. So, they get to shoulder that wonderful burden,” Leon explained. He settled his kiseru on the oblong piece of glass that served as its cradle and stood from his seat. “Anyway, if it’s all the same to you, I’d like to move on to other topics.”

“Please,” Cloud welcomed. He followed his Carrier over to the Gestational Terminal and stood in front of it. Leon’s posture tensed as he grew close, but the brunette didn’t immediately push him away.

“To counter Tifa’s horrific goings-on, we have a glob of child goo of our own to develop,” the Carrier said flatly. He leaned over the Terminal’s interface and started typing away. Cloud couldn’t follow what he was doing.

“Wait hang on, explain this to me. I want to know what you’re doing.”

Leon sighed, his hands stopping. “Sorry. I’m not sure I can right now.”

“What do you mean? Do you have somewhere to be?”

“No. I’m just…” the Carrier said hesitatingly. He stood straight again and took a deep breath as his anxiety started pulling at his core. His fingers started to shake a bit. Cloud noticed and took a few steps back from him.

“Never mind, it’s okay,” the blonde tried to correct. He didn’t understand what the problem was, but it was clear that his Carrier was struggling.

Leon was quiet for a moment as he stood still with his eyes closed and his hands on his chest, attempting to pull his fragmented thoughts together enough to speak. “The last time you were this close to this machine there was a chair and a lot of anger involved. I’m just having a hard time keeping that experience in the past where it belongs.”

“Oh,” the Charge said, the guilt instantaneous. He couldn’t think of anything to say that would make his Carrier feel better, so he kept to himself.

Leon took another deep breath. “Cloud.”

“Yeah?”

“The only time I ever want you near this terminal is when I’m standing here with you,” the Carrier said, turning to him and fixing cold eyes on him. “If I find you here without me, I will turn your skull into a decorative bowl. Is that understood?”

“Yes,” Cloud said, keeping his attention off to the side.

“Okay,” Leon confirmed, moving back to the machine’s interface. He started typing again. “I don’t have the mental strength to sit here and walk you through everything I’m doing right now. Maybe next time. It’s taking everything I have just to stand here and not push you away. But the short story is that we have the ability to pick out what our Carrier is going to look like and if you want to have a say in it, you can.”

“Can I ask a hard question?”

“Sure.”

“… What did you make the first one look like?” Cloud asked quietly.

Leon hesitated, his hands stopping for a brief moment before continuing. “I let the computer decide. To me, it doesn’t matter what they look like. But, I understand the novelty Charges usually have with this process so I figured I’d offer it to you if you wanted.”

“I see. You don’t want to help? You’re making this sound like it’s just for me.”

“It is, mostly. Like I said, I don’t care what they look like, but for their sakes I hope you don’t try to mutate them into hideous monsters.”

“I won’t,” Cloud reassured.

The blonde waited patiently for Leon to move out of the way of the terminal’s controls. When he was able to, he brought a chair over and sat in front of the interface. Leon gave him a quick overview of the buttons he could use and pointed out that the headings for what parts were changing were pretty much self explanatory. The machine wouldn’t process his choices until he told it to, and once he was finished there wouldn’t be any going back. Cloud was presented with a starting template of what the Carrier would look like if the computer was left to decide and he was surprised to see how pretty she was.

“I almost don’t want to do anything to her. She’s really beautiful. Holy shit,” the blonde remarked, scrunching his brows together as he struggled to figure out how she could’ve come from his and Leon’s DNA. It was surreal for him.

“She looks like your mother,” Leon said. He sat a short distance away and took up his Charge’s tablet and tried to busy himself with reading the news.

“Does she?”

“Yes, very much. Your mother was very beautiful. You look like her too. You inherited your father’s stupid hair, though.”

“Hey…” Cloud said with a huff, running a hand through the wild strands subconsciously. Leon laughed a little under his breath.

“No matter what you do, your hair will always be stupid to me. It’s okay. Don’t sweat it.”

“Yeah, but…”

“I say it with affection, I promise.”

“Yeah?” Cloud questioned. If his ultimate goal for the immediate future was to have some semblance of a functional relationship with Leon, affection sounded like a good place to start.

“Yeah. I’d never seriously insult your appearance. Unless you wear something atrocious, but clothes are easy to change.”

“I see,” the blonde said. He wasn’t sure how deeply he should think into Leon’s comments.

“You sound disappointed. Should I not poke fun at you?”

“Well, I mean, I don’t want to encourage you to be rude to me, but it’s not like I can’t take a joke. But I’m just… thinking a lot, I guess. Too much.”

“What do you mean?”

Cloud’s cheeks turned a bit pink. “I like that you say it comes from affection. Even if, you know, what you’re saying doesn’t feel great.”

Leon didn’t know what to say and watched his Charge carefully out of the corner of his eye. His mind went back to what Tifa shared with him and where Cloud had been with Zack less than an hour prior. He was being hypersensitive to anything Cloud said to him that was vaguely ‘I love you like Aerith’ related and all interactions of the sort made him cringe a bit. He could tell Cloud was trying really hard and going to extremes to change himself, which was sort of flattering, but not what Leon wanted from him.

The Carrier wondered if there would ever be a time in their lives where something substantial would happen between them and it’d end up being okay. It seemed like, no matter what they tried, everything blew up in their faces in varying degrees of tragedy. They could be normal and enjoy each other’s company for weeks and then the minute it changed over to something new and more meaningful, they flew thirty steps backwards. Or at least, for Leon it did. He desperately wished the last couple weeks hadn’t happened and they could go back to the way things had been before. That was a nice time.

It seemed like going back would be an easy thing to do given Cloud’s willingness, but it didn’t feel right. He doubted everything the blonde did and had intentions of doing, but how much of that doubt was truly justified? Just about all of it, he felt, but it slowly dawned on him that Cloud was trying to do what they had been doing for months already. He was trying to keep his old habits in the past where they belonged. Leon couldn’t fault him for it, but it was such a huge undertaking that he couldn’t see it ending well.

He tried to think on their situation objectively. What would he lose if he just let Cloud do whatever he wanted and followed him along this disjointedly strange path he decided to make for himself? If his Charge was successful, and he could move on from his prejudices fully and enjoy the new things they’d do together, they would most likely end up in a favorable place as a result. If he failed miserably, the most likely result would be that they would go back to the simple civility that they had far before any of it started. He hoped. If there was one thing Leon knew he was horrible at, it was hoping. The worst case scenario still lingered behind his ambitious assumptions.

Cloud told him many times that he wouldn’t leave their project, so if everything did fall apart and their attempts at a relationship melted away to nothing, Leon would end up with the scenario he was talking about the day before. Cloud would go out, find a woman he fancied, settle down, and have a family without him. It was Leon’s idea, so if that was to be their future he shouldn’t fight it, right? The objective stance on the situation betrayed the pain in his chest he felt when he really thought about that case becoming a reality. He didn’t want it; he wanted Cloud to stay with him.

So when, then, would he feel the blonde was being genuine? Doubting his every move and every intention was not only exhausting, but it left no room for progress. If everything Cloud said was because of his guilt, and none of it ever had any real meaning, how would Leon know? If he constantly felt like the blonde was lying to him, would he ever actually see the truth if and when it did happen? No. He wouldn’t. He’d just think it was another lie. He could see why Reno said he was sabotaging himself.

Cloud’s bizarre confession from the day before seemed disingenuous mostly because of the timing. If their poor excuse of a sexual experience never happened, and his Charge had confessed to him amidst their comfortable happiness, things would’ve felt much different for Leon. The Carrier could recognize that. But his Charge’s continued efforts into the following days made him think twice about what was really happening. He couldn’t let himself fall for it completely just yet, but he did file his logic into the back of his mind for further observation later on.

“I’m… really afraid I’m going to mess this up,” Cloud admitted, his hands pressed firmly against his legs so he couldn’t touch the terminal. Leon’s attention snapped to him. His Charge’s focus was glued to the image on the screen as he studied the woman’s features closely. He was very obviously mystified.

“Why do you say that? The buttons aren’t difficult to understand,” the brunette said.

“It’s not that. She’s just… already perfect. I feel like if I change anything, I’m saying she’s incorrect and needs fixing. And she doesn’t,” the blonde admitted. He managed to pull his attention away from the image and looked down at his hands. “Isn’t this what having kids is supposed to be like? You just throw the genetics together and whatever you get is what you get? I don’t know anyone who goes around preaching ‘if my baby’s nose was just a _little_ bit bigger, they’d be better.’ It’s always ‘this is my baby, and they’re perfect.’ Even if their kid is ugly as shit, they don’t care. Potato-face baby is still perfect.”

Leon laughed. “That’s very true.”

“So… no. I don’t want to change anything. Thanks anyway. I don’t think I’ll ever feel any differently about it, but if I suddenly think fiddling with appearances is worth the time, I’ll let you know,” Cloud said.

“Fair enough,” the Carrier said. “You can hit _confirm_ and let the machine do its thing, then.”

Cloud did as he was instructed, and then sat back in his chair. There were a lot of feelings swirling around in his head. He wondered what their first Carrier was supposed to look like, and the regret was quick to reach up and yank on his psyche. But besides that, there was also the unnerving feeling that there was a huge hole in his heart that needed to be filled. The current circumstances were not what he thought having children would feel like. In fact, the contrast was so stark that it barely registered as something that was worth considering beyond what he already had.

Having kids was supposed to have a lot more meaning and be a joyful occasion in his mind, but with the current dynamic between him and Leon, there was just… nothing. Sitting ten feet apart with minimal conversation, in a stale bland space, without a relationship or emotion, was incredibly wrong. His mind briefly flipped through the instances in his past where he would imagine a life and a family with Aerith. He could recall how realistic those goals felt at one point in his life, how utterly tangible they seemed, and how happy they made him. The fact that he couldn’t image any scenario like that with Leon bothered him and made him question if he really could move past his issues and accept what their relationship could be. Should be. What he wanted it to be.

“You look perplexed,” the brunette said, taking in the blonde’s somewhat sad but thoughtful expression.

“This is wrong,” Cloud murmured.

“What is?” Leon said, a lump forming in his gut. Suddenly tense, his mind immediately flew into unreasonable territory as he expected his Charge to abruptly stand up and send his chair through the terminal again.

“The fact that this doesn’t feel significant like I imagined it would.”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re having kids together. And it feels like nothing happened. That’s wrong.”

“Well, we’re not going to see results right away. This isn’t some sort of baby speed-growing machine. These things take time.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“This is supposed to feel happier. It’s a big deal; a good one. It’s something to celebrate,” Cloud said, looking down at his hands again. He started tracing the lines in his palm with a finger. “I feel like we just had a really bland lunch and now we’re bored and don’t know what to do with the rest of the day. I don’t know. Maybe I just never understood that this is normal and how it is for everyone. I just expected more, I guess.”

“I don’t know what it’s like for everyone else,” Leon said.

The blonde was quiet for a moment before he took a deep breath and continued. “I know you think I’m delusional for everything I said yesterday, but please believe me when I say that this feels like we did it wrong, but I don’t want it to. I want it be the way I imagined it. It… really bothers me that it’s not.”

“I see.”

“Take that however you will,” Cloud said flatly. He shuffled out of his chair and stood, purposefully keeping his attention away from his Carrier. “I’m going to find some homework or something to do.”

“Okay,” Leon said gently. He held the tablet out and his Charge took it as he walked past, heading for the doors.


	108. Chapter 108

Chapter 108

Cloud didn’t start using his toys right away. In fact, he spent as much time out of his room and away from them as he could. He thought about them constantly, though. They loomed in his armoir taunting him; reminding him that he had made an obligation to himself that was going to waste. Every time Leon came in his room, whether to talk to him or help him sleep, it scared him. He didn’t want his Carrier to figure out that he was up to something. But at the same time, part of him did want Leon to know. He wanted the brunette to understand how far he was willing to go and see if it made a difference in their relationship.

When he did finally summon the courage to open the packages, he was extremely nervous. Admittedly, he didn’t understand why he was so uneasy. It wasn’t as if he had an audience to watch him fool around and make fun of him, he wasn’t afraid of hurting himself, and he wasn’t starting with the biggest thing Zack had bought him. His bag had been stuffed full of terrifying propositions, but the prostate wand was the least intimidating. He kept hoping over and over again that Zack was right about it; that it was great and all he had to do was let himself experience it without thinking about it.

He had a dildo, a vibrator, the wand, way more lube than he knew what to do with, two different accessories that fit on to the bottoms of the toys, and a nondescript case to keep it all in. One of the attachments was a big suction cup and the other was a bar. The suction cup was pretty self explanatory, but the bar was a little less so. It was foldable, fairly long, flat, and had a clip to hold a dildo in place. Other than that, though, it didn’t have any distinguishable features. He actually called Zack to figure out what it was supposed to do. As it turned out, it was for hands-free play by way of anchoring the dildo down under one’s legs so the recipient could ride it. Cloud wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

He focused his mental energy towards the less scary wand and turned it around in his hands, attempting to decipher which way it went. He figured the thin end was the proper end and the big ball on the other side was for him to hang on to. The sphere also had a switch to flip that turned on a finger-like bump that moved around underneath the surface of the tip that he was supposed to put into himself. It moved in shallow circles, and was very off putting for him. The first time he turned it on, the movement surprised him and he fumbled the toy around before finally grabbing it tightly before it could topple to the floor.

 _What the fuck am I doing?_ He asked himself with a deep sigh as he headed for his shower with the wand in one hand and a bottle of lube in the other. It was a question he had asked himself many times over the last few weeks. Clicking on the shower, the blonde took a moment to reassess his life choices while the water warmed up.

His relationship with Leon had stagnated, remaining as it had been since they had put their combined genetics in the Gestational Terminal. It had been several weeks already, and the stifling air between them had largely been the reason that pushed him to get started on adjusting his tastes. He didn’t have any positive experiences to hang on to so when he was attempting something vaguely sexual, he had little fodder to use in order to get in the mood. He tried his hardest to think of something about Leon that he liked enough to get off to.

His hands. Cloud liked the Carrier’s hands. There was something about the way Leon could very easily crush his throat, and yet he was so gentle, so caring, that the blonde could really get lost in the significance. In general, though, the brunette was just good with them. Cloud had learned to genuinely enjoy when Leon touched him, and now that he wasn’t, the blonde was much less happier for it. But, at least he had some memories to fall back on.

Sliding his hands over his lower abdomen, he tried to emulate the way Leon had touched him before. As he closed his eyes, he could see the way his Carrier had looked at him. It was a gradual process, but he started to like the idea of being able to entice the brunette with his body.  It made the idea of wearing tighter pants a little easier to swallow. He could already imagine the looks Leon could give him behind his back. He hoped they would be the same as they were before.

He could feel the tingly warmth spread from his stomach down to his pelvis. Taking hold of himself in response, he started to firmly stroke his shaft. He could imagine Leon doing it for him; his strong hands becoming uncharacteristically soft and gentle just for him. The idea made it easy for him pull himself to full rigidity. The water beating down on him served to limit the friction enough to make it enjoyable.

He stopped himself when he could feel his climax building. The wand and a bottle of lube were perched in the shower’s soap cubby, daring him to use them. It took him a moment of staring before he finally mustered the courage to take them. Reaching up, he pushed the shower head to the side so he wouldn’t partially drown himself and sat on the shower floor. He heaved a heavy sigh, resolving himself to his decision but second guessing himself every second thereafter. Propping himself up against the wall, the blonde uncapped the bottle and let a line of the slippery liquid fall along the length of the toy. He closed it again, set it aside, and coated the wand using his fingers.

Cloud then realized he had no idea what he was doing. He could remember Zack instructing him to let himself jump head first into his new experiences, but wouldn’t he hurt himself if he just abruptly shoved something into himself? Then again, the wand was barely thicker than the stylus for his tablet so it wasn’t all the intimidating. After several minutes of mental debate, he let out a grumbling sigh and figured it was then or never at all.

Reaching forward between his legs, he guided the tip of the wand to his tight entrance and gently nudged it towards himself. He had to pull his legs back and curl forward to get enough leverage, but he eventually managed to push the toy inside. He squeezed his eyes shut as he did and scrunched his face up with a bit of a grimace. It wasn’t painful, but it felt extremely strange and he wasn’t very keen on the feeling. He persevered, though, and allowed himself to take a breath once it was most of the way in.

Moving it around gingerly, he attempted to find the spot he had been told about. Leon had found it in him before, so he knew what to expect, but he still wasn’t sure where to look. The curve of the wand helped him significantly. After only a few brief moments of searching, the tip startled him by nudging the elusive knot of nerves, causing his legs to jolt involuntarily and a gasp to escape him. The noise echoed against the bathroom walls and he immediately felt embarrassed. He tried to not let himself dwell on it.

Now that he had some idea of what he was doing, he forced himself to relax so he could concentrate on what he was feeling. Closing his eyes normally, he moved the toy around until he found the spot again and gently manipulated it. It felt as if all the tingliness he had before had struck his pelvis like an arrow. The sensation was so strong it was almost painful. It took him a while of touching it and then backing off before he could wrap his head around the feeling and not jump when it hit him. Once he finally settled, he flipped the switch on the end of the wand and let the rod do the work for him; only having to hold it in place at the right angle.

It wasn’t long before he was hard again and feeling the urge to touch himself for relief. Without the water pouring over him he had to use the nearby lube, but he was able to find a rhythm with his strokes he was satisfied with. The combined sensations were infinitely more pleasurable than just using his hands, and as a result, he found himself breathing hard in order to keep up. Keeping his eyes closed, he settled his head back against the tile and tried to imagine that it was Leon touching him.

Cloud’s breath halted in his throat as climax washed over him, forcing a stream of his seed to escape him and spill over his stomach. For a moment, everything stopped as his entire body tensed in response. He held himself in place until the pulsations in his shaft ceased. His breath was shallow afterward as his mind slowly trickled back to him and he was able to process everything he did. Flicking the switch again, he removed the wand from himself and let it roll towards the shower drain. Afterward, he stretched out and relaxed back, using the wall as a headrest so he could catch his breath.

Not everything felt quiet right when he could think clearly again. It wasn’t so much that he felt wrong for what he did, but he did feel extremely pathetic. He didn’t want to be doing such things by himself; it felt like a meaningless venture. He knew he was trying to force himself to enjoy it for a greater purpose, and he had liked it, but it was still incredibly lonely feeling. Unlike Zack, he didn’t have someone to share his bed with once he was done experimenting in the shower. He sincerely hoped things would change for him quickly.

 _I hope this is worth it…_ he said to himself tiredly as he pulled himself up.

\--------------

“So, Rude and I went to a bar the other day,” Reno said, sitting back in his seat on the other side of his and Leon’s call. They were sharing a smoke together and the redhead took a deep inhale of his pipe and let it trail out of his nose slowly.

“Did you? How’d that go?” Leon asked, taking a drag.

“Oh, it was exciting. Almost got into a fight because some meathead asshole thought I was hitting on his girl,” the bovine Carrier said.

“Well… were you?”

“Yes, but that’s not the point.”

“Seriously? What was Rude doing?”

“Listening.”

“And… he was just okay with it?”

“Yeah. I was just fooling around. Nothing serious,” Reno said nonchalantly.

“And why would you expect this random guy to not be upset?”

“Well, first of all, I didn’t know she was with someone. She was talking to another girl and I assumed they were friends. Or she was a lesbian. But I don’t know until I try, right? She didn’t turn me away,” Reno explained, taking another hit.

“What was your plan, exactly? What if you had found a single girl and she was receptive? Were you just dicking around and hoping to lead her on? Seems sort of cruel.”

“If she was into it I would’ve proposed a threesome. That would’ve been fun. But no, asshole guy had to ruin it. It could’ve been a foursome had he been nicer.”

Leon sighed and shook his head, a stream of smoke escaping his mouth. “You’re unbelievable.”

“You’re just jealous of my daring nature.”

“Hardly.”

“I think you are,” the redhead insisted, laughing a bit. He set his pipe down in its cradle. “So that’s my love life at a glance. It’s pretty standard otherwise. How’re things between you and Cloud?”

“There are things between Cloud and I? That’s news to me.”

“Whaaat? Seriously?” Reno asked with obvious disbelief in his voice. “Did you really turn him down and just let everything die? Leon…”

“What? He seems better for it.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“I’m not,” Leon said with a shrug. “Our project is progressing and he’s happier and more comfortable with the way things are,” he added, though he felt like he was lying.

“I feel like I should call him and ask him myself. You’re so full of shit I can smell you from here.”

“Give him a call. Won’t bother me any.”

“Oh, I will,” Reno said matter-of-factly. “But are you happy with the way things are?”

“No. But it doesn’t matter.”

Reno rolled his eyes and heaved a dramatic sigh. “Oh my god, Leon. You’re ruining your life because you don’t like to be wrong.”

“Reno, I can’t argue with results.”

“I think your results are bullshit and born of your stubborn delusions.”

“Well, fuck you, then,” Leon said, the indifference dripping from his words. He set his own pipe aside in defiance. “Even if I thought whatever I wanted mattered, he hasn’t made much effort to make me believe he isn’t full of shit and doing all this because of his guilt. He hasn’t done anything at all, really. So how am I supposed to interpret that?”

“I think you’re just not paying attention because you want to be right.”

The doors to the lab were pushed open suddenly and Cloud strolled in. He hadn’t anticipated Leon being on a call with Reno, but it didn’t matter. He was only going to be in the room for a moment, but it was enough time for both Carriers to notice him. Dressed in his new clothing, the Charge was well aware of the looks he had gotten from other people, and Reno especially didn’t disappoint. He was only wearing jeans and a striped v-neck t-shirt, but the garments fit him like a glove. As he walked, the front of his pants creased just enough to make it obvious what he was equipped with underneath. Furthermore, the back fabric followed the curvature of his cheeks and displayed them well.

“Going to Cid’s,” the blonde mumbled as he passed by Leon to retrieve a light jacket he had left draped over one of their chairs the day before. He pulled it on as he turned on his heel and headed for the doors again. Leon stared at him wordlessly the entire time, very surprised by the changes. Cloud didn’t say anything more and left quietly.

Leon looked back to Reno, his eyes wide. “Uh…”

The redhead stared at him with raised eyebrows for a moment before speaking. “I think it’s a sin that you’re convincing yourself not to have a part of that. You should be ashamed. You should go to church and tell Jesus you’re sorry,” Reno said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Even if I hate his guts, I can clearly see he’s fucking sexy. What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?”

“A lot, apparently.”

“I agree. You don’t think he’s sexy?”

Leon pulled his legs up onto his chair with him and hugged them to his chest. “It’s not that, it’s just… maybe he met someone. I don’t feel like he’s dressing differently because of me. We’ve barely talked over the last month.” The Carrier rested his chin on his knees with a tiny sigh. “No matter what your feelings are about how we should be doing things, I’m being completely serious when I say I have no reason to think he’s trying anymore. Or at least, trying because of me.”

“Maybe you should ask him about it before you jump to conclusions.”

Leon sighed again. “Maybe.”

“I really wish you’d allow yourself to be happy,” Reno said, a frown spreading across his face.

“I’m just… really afraid of fucking something up. Again. I can’t fuck it up if it doesn’t happen.”

“Please,” the redhead said, clasping his hands together in front of himself as if he was on his knees begging. “ _Please_ promise me you’ll just ask him what he’s up to and see if he’s trying for you or someone else. Figure out where you stand and what you want and just… _do something_ about it instead of sitting here stewing in pity. You’re killing me with all this worry.”

“Alright, alright,” Leon said. “I’ll talk to him. I need to figure out why he all of a sudden wants to wear pants that fit him. For years he never wanted to draw that sort of attention to himself. The change is really abrupt.”

“What’re you going to do if he says they’re to draw your attention?”

“I don’t know.”

“I suggest offering to peel them off him.”

“You’re terrible.”

\------------------

Lately, it was the normal routine for Leon to eat his meals with Joshua and Neku, or by himself. Cloud rarely ate with him anymore, which helped to perpetuate the feeling that Leon had that his Charge had moved on. He tried to be happy about it, but he was struggling. The blonde’s change in wardrobe bothered him more than he thought it should. He liked it. He didn’t want to, but he did. For the first time in almost three weeks, Cloud decided to eat dinner with him. Which, had nothing changed it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but between the clothing and the awkward atmosphere, it was hard for Leon to remember that he should be having a conversation with him. He actually wanted to run and hide.

“So…” the brunette trailed as he pushed a cube of beef around on his plate.

“Hm?” Cloud grunted, his attention mostly being taken up by the article he was reading on his tablet.

“How was Cid’s?” Leon asked. His eyes quickly scanned their surroundings and he registered that there weren’t many people in the cafeteria with them. The next closest pair was several seats away.

“Fine. Nothing exciting,” the blonde replied. He continued reading.

“I see.” There was a long pause as the Carrier tried to think of a way to continue without being strange. He stared at his plate for an awkward length of time.

Glancing over his tablet, Cloud could see the conflict playing out on the other’s face. “You look like you have something to say.”

“I do. I just don’t know how to say it.”

“Just blurt it out. That’s what works for me.”

Leon hesitated for a moment, furrowing his brows together. “Have…” He took a breath. “Have you met someone?”

“I’ve met a lot of people. I do leave the facility on occasion. I also have a job working with the public.”

“No, I mean someone significant. Like… for dating.”

Cloud raised a brow at him. “Why do you ask?”

“I noticed you started dressing differently. I was just wondering if something changed.”

“Zack had me get new clothes.”

“Oh.”

“He said I should draw attention to myself. So I did.”

“Oh,” the brunette said. He was reminded of the conversation he had had with Tifa earlier in the month. He wondered if the new clothing had happened at the same time as the toys. Then he wondered if Cloud was also using said toys.

“Are you offended?”

“No. I’m just wondering whose attention you’re trying to draw.”

 _Seriously?_ Cloud thought to himself. He sighed and shook his head a bit, frustrated by his Carrier’s ineptitude. “Don’t worry about it,” the blonde grumbled, turning his attention back to his tablet.

“Sorry,” Leon blurted, aware he had angered his Charge.

“Do you even know why you’re apologizing?”

“I obviously upset you so I apologized. I’m not sure of the exact reason why you’re upset, but you are.”

“Fine,” Cloud grumbled, focusing on the article.

“I’ll just… go back to the lab and leave you be. I think that’s best,” Leon volunteered.

 _How can you be so fucking smart and yet so fucking stupid? It’s baffling_ , Cloud asked mentally. His Carrier stood from his seat and went to take his tray back to the front of the cafeteria where the dish drop off window was. He left after that.

For as frustrating as Leon was being, Cloud could find amusement behind the brunette’s awkward and stilted antics. He wasn’t sure that all the stress was good for his Carrier, but seeing the other so bothered by him was somewhat flattering. Granted, he couldn’t figure out if he was doing things the way he was supposed to, but some results were better than no results. Cloud had never consciously gone out of his way to make himself look as appealing as possible, so he was unsure of what results he should be seeing. But, Leon taking a sudden interest in his love life seemed to be the right direction.

Cloud stayed behind in the cafeteria until he was done with his article, giving his Carrier a head start on getting back to the lab. He took his tray to the drop off window once he was finished and headed out in the same direction Leon had, his tablet tucked under his arm. The blonde had to make a specific effort to not look at anyone else as they walked past or else his paranoia of being stared at like a spectacle would rear up and hit him in the face. Earlier that morning he had caught a few of the other guys watching him, so he was aware that they were, but he tried his best to not let it bother him. His display wasn’t for them, anyway. He shouldn’t be concerned about what they thought.

Leon was in the lab by the time he got there. The Carrier was sitting at the exam table. He had relit his kiseru and was holding it between his fingers, staring at the smoke tendrils like he tended to do when he was thinking. Cloud watched him through the window and frowned a bit when Leon set the pipe down on its holder and folded his arms on the table before settling his face against them. He looked so miserable, it was truly pitiable. Given their attempt at conversation shortly before, the Charge assumed Leon really thought Cloud had found someone outside the facility to be with. There wasn’t much of an explanation otherwise for the brunette’s dumpy demeanor. Leon hadn’t said he disliked his clothing or anything; he had only been concerned about the blonde’s relationship status. If there was more to the story, Cloud couldn’t even begin to think of what it might be.

Cloud made his way into the lab and took a seat across from his Carrier. He mimicked Leon’s posture and settled his face on his arms in the brunette’s line of sight. They stared at one another for a moment, the air tense. Leon fought the urge to fidget under his Charge’s expectant gaze. Part of him had hoped the blonde wouldn’t follow him, but he wasn’t surprised.

“Will…” the Carrier attempted, but he hesitated. Cloud raised a brow at him. “Will she care if I’m around? Does she know you’re a Charge?”

Cloud sighed and shook his head a bit. “Seriously?”

“It’s a legitimate question. I don’t want to ruin it for you.”

“I get that, but you’re ignoring the part where she doesn’t exist,” the blonde said.

Leon scrunched his brows together as if Cloud was speaking a language he didn’t understand. “But I thought—“

“What you thought was what you wanted to think. I never said anything about anyone else being in my life.”

“So when you said you’re drawing attention to yourself…”

“Mhm?”

“That was for… me?”

“I can’t believe you have to ask.”

“Sorry,” Leon said quickly, the shame immediate. Cloud’s response made it seem like he was wrong. “I didn’t mean to assume it was for me.”

“Oh. My. God. Leon. How are you so fucking dense?” the blonde spat, sitting up and running his hands over his face with exasperation. “Yes it’s for you! Why is that so hard to understand?”

“I just… sort of hoped it wasn’t,” the Carrier admitted.

Cloud stared at him for a moment, surprised. “Why?”

“Because I still feel like you’re forcing yourself to do this. We’ve barely talked over the last month and then all of a sudden you started dressing a way you had been fighting for _years_. What am I supposed to think?”

Cloud pressed his mouth into a thin line. “It may have taken me a while to get used to the idea of being different, okay? It’s been a bit of a transition for me.”

“I can understand that, but don’t expect me to fall in your lap when you decide to get your shit together finally.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay fine,” the blonde sighed. They shared an awkward silence together. “We’re both really awful at this, aren’t we?”

“Yes. Yes we are.”

“Do you even like me dressing like this?”

“Do you want my honest opinion?”

“Yeah.”

“I _really_ do.”

“…Oh. I half expected you to tell me to stop,” Cloud said. He cleared his throat briefly as his cheeks turned a bit pink.

“Stop if it makes you uncomfortable. I’m not going to tell you to stop because I hate it. That would be a grievous lie. However, I want you to be comfortable before you start trying to placate me,” Leon said, sitting up properly. He still had mixed feelings about Cloud’s changes, but realizing the blonde was acting on his own accord made him feel a bit better.

“I feel like people are staring at me constantly, but it’s not too bad.”

“Has Cid said anything about it? I can’t imagine he didn’t notice.”

“I changed clothes before I started working. Grease stains aren’t very fashionable.”

“Ah,” the Carrier said.

Another strange silence passed. “So…” Cloud trailed. “What now?”

“Um… I’m not sure? What was your plan?”

“I have no idea. This has gone a completely different way than what I thought it would.”

“How did you think it would go?”

“I thought it’d take longer for you to notice. I also didn’t think you’d immediately get dumpy and think I’ve abandoned you.”

“You have so much faith in me. Sorry to disappoint.”

“I’m not disappointed. Just… not sure how to proceed.”

Leon took a deep breath and let it out slowly, unsure if he really wanted to say what he was going to. “I talked to Reno earlier.”

“I noticed that, yeah.”

“Yeah…” the Carrier parroted, wringing his hands a bit. “He keeps telling me I should stop doubting you and try to just accept what you’re doing for what it is. What’s difficult for me is ignoring the past, which is stupid because we’ve been trying to do that for a long time now, but even more so I’m afraid of just… letting it fall apart.”

“You assume it’s going to?”

“I’m not good at being optimistic. But really, isn’t everything in life uncertain? Everything has the potential of going badly, if you think about it,” Leon said, turning in his seat. He motioned to the Gestational Terminal and its cylindrical chamber filled with liquid and budding life. “For example, she’s growing fine for now, but there’s every possibility in the world that her growth will fail at some point and we’ll have to start over. It might not, but it could. But that possibility doesn’t scare me nearly as much as fucking up something between you and me. I don’t know why, but it does.”

“Is that the only reason you’re against it?”

“The only one that makes any sense, I guess. Again, we barely talked for a month and then you start dressing differently for my sake with basically no input from me. If you can still have that much drive after a month of basically nothing going on, then I guess I don’t have much choice but to take you seriously. Doesn’t stop me from being scared out of my mind, though.”

“What you described is basically every relationship that ever existed, though. Nothing is guaranteed even if it feels like it is in the beginning.”

“That’s what Reno’s told me before. It makes sense. I’m just… I don’t know. I guess I’m apologizing in advance.”

“Don’t waste your time with that shit. I’ll probably forget your backlog of apologies by tomorrow, anyway.”

“Fair point.”

Cloud folded his arms on the table again and laid his face against them, looking up at the Carrier with big expectant eyes. “Does this mean you’re willing to allow us to go back to the way it was before we… failed miserably in the bed together?”

“Is that what you want?” Leon asked, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously.

“Yeah. I prefer that over what we have going now, which is nothing. I don’t like waking up by myself.”

“Neither do I.”

“Then it sounds like we agree.”

“It does,” Leon said. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves and stifle the doubts he could feel bubbling up under his skin. A change of subject was very much needed. “Anyway, do you remember what day it is?”

“Er… like day of the week? Or is there something significant happening today specifically?”

“Just the day of the week.”

“It’s Sunday.”

“Yes, and we haven’t done the weekly exam bullshit yet today.”

“Oh. You’re right. I went to Cid’s and forgot,” the blonde admitted.

“Honestly, I would’ve been okay with that if it didn’t put us at risk of the Technicians climbing up our asses about it.”

“You mean you don’t like it when I poke and pull at your face? I’m disappointed. I thought we had something special,” Cloud teased.

“You’re so full of shit,” the Carrier said with a bit of a laugh.

They left the lab together and headed for the doors leading out into the field. Their walk was silent as neither of them could think of much more to say. There were also other people walking their halls and anything they could think to say didn’t need to be heard by third parties. Leon watched the others as they passed by, noticing the glances and subtle looks Cloud was getting. Very few people actually turned their heads to see and made it obvious that they were staring, but he noticed a lot of eyes pointed their way. Some of them on Cloud’s face, some of them not. Leon supposed his Charge had a list of reasons to be stared at; past behavior and current clothing choices included. The blonde was trying very hard to not seem bothered by it, but Leon could see he was tense.

Cloud heaved a deep breath when they finally reached the field. There weren’t many people outside at that moment, but Joshua and Neku were one of the few that were. Leon broke away from him when he could and went to shift forms behind the rock formation that made up part of the communal pool. Cloud volunteered himself to Neku’s company and went to go sit in the grass with him. Joshua, in his Primal form, was curled up against his Charge’s leg comfortably.

“Oh, hey. It’s been a while,” Neku said when Cloud approached.

“It has. How’ve you been?” the blonde asked, silencing his watch when it alerted him to Leon’s changing.

“Pretty good. We’ve been well. Making some progress on the project, and everything’s peaceful,” Neku replied. He reached down and rubbed Joshua behind one of his ears.

“That’s great to hear.”

“Things are okay on your guy’s end too, I hope?”

“Yeah, they are. It was a little bumpy for a bit but we’re okay now. Have a glob in the tube we hope stays healthy, so there’s that. Not much else has gone on otherwise.”

“Ah, I’m glad the bumps have smoothed out for you guys. I wish your glob well.”

“Thanks.”

The pair shared a comfortable silence together. After a short while, Leon lumbered his way over to them and imposed his mass on them. He pushed himself between Cloud and Neku, his huge face heading for Joshua. The smaller Carrier made a distressed squawk as Leon used his teeth to pick him up by the scruff of his neck and cart him away. The Charges watched the larger cat gently take Joshua over to the pool. The closer they got, the more Joshua struggled against his captor’s grasp. Leon ignored him without consequence and proceeded to drop him in the shallow end of the pool. Understandably upset, Joshua scrambled out of the water and took a swipe at Leon’s ankles. The larger cat jumped back from him before flopping onto his side and rolling in the grass. It was clear that the bigger Carrier had little interest in getting any work done, so Cloud decided to strike up some conversation with Neku.

“I realize we haven’t talked a lot, but I have a personal question,” the blonde started awkwardly.

“Okay,” the redhead said.

“I remember Leon telling me about your relationship with Joshua. How it didn’t really start right away because Josh thought you weren’t interested in guys like that,” Cloud began. “I guess you dated both guys and girls before? And Josh saw that you liked girls better? Or seemed to? I just wondered how you guys have been dealing with it and if you’ve had to sort through any doubts.”

Neku took a deep breath. “That’s a bit of a loaded question.”

“I’d understand if you didn’t want to answer it. I’m just asking for my own frame of reference.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s really not something worth hiding. It’s not that special.”

“That’s comforting. Seriously. The more normal or simple it is, the easier it is for me to comprehend and that makes it _way_ less scary.”

“Well, early on in my journey of self discovery I came to the conclusion that everyone in the world has a universal attraction to everyone else in some capacity. Humans are attracted to humans, even if they’re a little weird and also like animals or whatever.”

“Ew.”

“Yeah, well, bestiality is considered more of a mental illness than it is a recognized sexuality. But it isn’t really something that exists in this world, I’ve found. The severe lack of animals is a pretty good deterrent.”

“Yeah, it’s hard to like something that doesn’t exist.”

“Mhm. Anyway, the way Joshua describes my experiences is somewhat correct. I had two fathers, so when I wanted to start dating, I started with guys because that’s what I considered normal. That’s what Josh says, and he’s kind of right. I figured out that I didn’t mind the idea of being with a guy because of my fathers, but it wasn’t solely because I thought that’s what guys were ‘supposed’ to do or anything. If I had a mother and grew up in a heterosexual environment, I probably would’ve questioned myself a lot longer.

“But I did date both guys and girls, and I found I enjoyed the company of the guys more but liked sex with the girls more. That’s not to say that I didn’t like the sex with guys at all, but if I had to pick I liked the girls more that way. But I liked being around and spending time with the guys. I may have not found the right girls to enjoy being around, but I found a lot of them to be the same kind of personality and they were all sort of catty and hard to spend time with. And I only specifically enjoyed the sex. The smaller physical things like kissing and all of that didn’t matter to me as much; that stuff is universal no matter the gender.

“The concept of sexuality is sort of ambiguous to me. Back in the old days of cavemen we, as males, had sex with women in order to ensure the survival of our species. There might’ve been a relationship sort of dynamic, but not in the way we think of it today. Nowadays we’re more concerned about building lives with people we can connect with. Attraction is nice, but if you spend a lot of time with someone, it’s hard not to get attached. I did that a lot with the guys I dated. I feel like I had a relationship with them versus whatever I had with the girls. I never went into it expecting to use the girls for sex, but I couldn’t get over how hard it was to be around them.

“For a long time I took Joshua’s hands-off approach to our relationship as a sign of disinterest. Some people just don’t like intimate relationships, and I was okay with it. Again, I didn’t like sex with guys very much so it didn’t bother me that we weren’t doing any of that. I have a good relationship with him and that was enough for me. But when Leon assumed we were together and asked Joshua to test his candles, it prompted a conversation Josh had been avoiding for a while, I guess. It turns out we both thought the other was disinterested so we never had the discussion. But Josh was interested. He means a lot to me, we’ve been through a lot of bullshit together, so I humored him. And it’s good.  We’re happy,” Neku explained.

“And you just… got over disliking the sex? Or is that something you guys don’t do?”

“No, we do. But I found that seeing, feeling, and hearing him enjoy himself does more for me than anything else. Again, it loops back to the emotional relationship part, which for me has always been more significant with guys than the physical stuff.”

“I see. Did you love him before you guys had that discussion?”

“I didn’t allow myself to. But it was very easy for me to transition into that sort of relationship with him once he said he’s always loved me.”

“Since before you were born?” Cloud guessed.

“Yeah. Has Leon said the same to you?”

“Not ‘love’ specifically, but he’s said he’s always cared about me.”

“Is that not the same thing?”

“I don’t know. I never thought about it.”

“To me, the idea of care always involves love regardless of the capacity. Nurses and doctors care for people because of their love for people and the concept of life. That kind of thing. I’m sure Leon loves you.”

“Maybe. I suppose he would have to if he’s willing to put up with my bullshit.”

“That’s a very valid point.”


	109. Chapter 109

Chapter 109

Dildos were scary things, Cloud decided. After a few weeks of relatively consistent interaction with the prostate wand, the blonde considered moving up the proverbial ladder to the next step. After comparing the two, he decided that the bigger toy was massive and therefore very terrifying. The reality was that it wasn’t much bigger than two of his fingers put together, but to his inexperienced sensibilities, it was impossibly huge. He couldn’t even begin to think of how he would use it reasonably. There was a ray of hope, though, and he found it by accident.

He was already well aware of how he should use his variety of toys to his advantage thanks to the Charge forum. It was still a habit of his to cruise around on the site and see what he could see, and he happened upon a profile of a woman who had been rescued from Midgar by her Carrier many years before his time. Apparently her Carrier had gotten caught up in some trouble at their facility and had been shipped off to quarantine for a couple weeks. Her story was interesting to him and he read a lot of her posts about the situation.

But then he found her videos. He had gone to the page mostly because he was curious to see the natural offspring she and her Carrier had produced, but what he found was much more personal. She was apparently _very_ lonely without her Carrier around and lamented his absence by recording pornographic videos of herself replacing him with various toys, one of which Cloud recognized. Apparently, if one was lacking a partner to fuck them from behind, a dildo suction cupped to a shower wall was an adequate replacement.

Cloud wasn’t about to immediately leap into his shower and imitate her activities because by that point he understood that it was a gradual process. And this time, as opposed to his first time with the prostate wand, things were different. Not just because of the toy involved, but because he and Leon were staying in the same room again. He was happy about it, but it did pose some problems. Namely, he had to be very careful about how he went about practicing with his toys. He was paranoid that Leon would figure it out and either be bothered by it or Cloud would lose his nerve and not try it again due to embarrassment.

Little did Cloud know that Leon already knew about what he was doing. He had been aware of the toys for a long time, but had noticed Cloud taking considerably longer showers than he had in the past so he put two-and-two together easily. At first, he tried to ignore it and not let it bother him. But over the course of a week, he found it was incredibly difficult to just act like it wasn’t happening. He wasn’t angry or disgusted, quite the contrary, he felt like he was being teased. Part of him wanted to sleep in a different room again until Cloud figured out when he was ready to move forward, but he couldn’t come up with a reason to leave that he felt wouldn’t cause more harm than good. So, he stayed and tried to distract himself with Cloud’s tablet while the blonde was busy. It only worked sometimes. The rest of the time was spent stewing in his torment.

Cloud wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be getting out of shoving larger inanimate objects into himself, but he supposed it was all in the name of getting used to the feeling. It was an educational experience for him; one he would have to do repeatedly until it was something he wasn’t bothered by anymore. He wasn’t confident he could get over the sensations like he did with the smaller wand. It was much more intimidating, and he ended up putting it off for a while and kept with the smaller toy.

When he finally mustered the courage to get started, he wasn’t sure what he should do. It seemed like a really bad idea to just go at it without any sort of prep work, and he really didn’t want to use his fingers. After some thought, he supposed he could start with the wand and work his way up. The smaller toy was tapered and thus wider towards the bottom where the rounded handle was. Instead of using the wand for its intended purpose, he gingerly pushed it in and out of himself, trying to relax and loosen himself up. He didn’t enjoy it.

After a few days of flexing and trying to force the tension away, followed by using the wand properly, the blonde was starting to get impatient with himself. He was waiting for the ‘ _eureka!’_ sort of moment where he would finally find something to like about feeling cylindrical things sliding in an out of himself but he was struggling. The impatience built and built and built over the course of several weeks before he finally gave in and decided to force himself to use the bigger toy regardless.

Cloud tried to keep in mind what Neku had told him. Finding pleasure in other people’s pleasure seemed like a nice middle ground that he could latch on to, but the problem the blonde found was that he didn’t have any experience with Leon where he could recall the Carrier actually enjoying himself. Their single encounter had been overshadowed by how much the blonde hated it, so it wasn’t a usable instance for him. He could barely remember it anymore; he had purposefully tried to forget it happened. The realization that he had literally zero fuel to help stoke any excitement for his self inflicted sexual practices stomped his motivation into the dirt. He resolved himself to hating, but still doing it for the sake of learning how to act through it long enough for Leon to get something out of it. It became a very slow and taxing process.

Settling into the shower as he usually did, dildo lubed and ready to go, the blonde hesitated. He could barely force himself to look at it for very long; its garish green color made his eyes hurt. After a while of staring at the wall with occasional glances in its general direction, the blonde closed his eyes and gradually brought the tip to his tense entrance.  Gently nudging it towards himself, he held his breath as the object broke through the initial ring of resistance. He gasped a bit as a biting pain crawled up his back briefly, forcing him to stop moving for a moment. He waited until the ache subsided before continuing.

He persevered and pushed a little more in, stopped and waited, and then went for more. The blonde repeated the process until the silicone shaft was sufficiently buried inside him to the base. By the time he got there, though, his mind had been flooded with second guessing and anxiety. He felt like there was a weight pressed up against the bottoms of his lungs pushing them up towards his throat. It was difficult to breathe steadily, so he stopped what he was doing in an effort to try and regain some of his composure. His hands were shaking.

The world froze for a moment when there was a knock at the bathroom door. The blonde stopped breathing all together and his eyes opened impossibly wide.

“Cloud? Are you okay? My Signet is telling me you’re having a problem,” came Leon’s gentle voice from the other side of the door.

“Y-yeah! I’m fine!” the Charge croaked, his voice cracking a bit. He could hear the door handle clink as his Carrier tried to turn it. A long silent pause followed.

“It was really scary for me the last time you hid in the bathroom and locked the door.”

 _Shit…_ Cloud thought to himself, guilt driving a spike into his chest.

“Just… whatever you’re doing… I won’t be upset. Just come talk to me. I don’t like this feeling.”

“Give me five minutes and I’ll be out, okay?”

Another long pause passed. Cloud could imagine the conflicted look on Leon’s face as the Carrier debated busting the door in again.

“Okay,” the brunette said carefully.

The blonde peeked out from behind the shower curtain and watched the shadows cast by the Carrier’s feet under the door move away. He heaved a deep sigh when he was finally alone again. With the sense knocked back into him, Cloud was able to quickly pull himself together and not think about what he had been doing just moment before. His mind took a very objective stance as he removed the fake phallus from himself, picked up all his things, turned the shower off, and went to clean them all in the sink. Once they were safely locked in their case, he wrapped it in the clothes he had warn that day and pulled on a pair of loose fitting long shorts and a basic t-shirt. Draping his towel over his wet hair, he made his way out into the bedroom again.

Leon was on him almost immediately and firmly stole his bundle of clothing out of his hands and dropped it on the floor. His Carrier then took hold of his forearms and turned them so his palms and wrists were facing up towards the ceiling. The brunette inspected them for a moment before letting them go and moving his hands up to look over his Charge’s neck. He gently nudged the blonde’s face around by his jaw, lifting his chin up so he could see everything clearly. Once satisfied with that, the Carrier took hold his shoulders and leaned in close. Leon then inhaled deeply, thoroughly smelling his Charge. Cloud raised a brow. It took him a second to figure out what the Carrier was doing.

“I didn’t hurt myself,” the blonde said.

“Yeah, I know now. I just… had to check,” Leon said, backing away from him. He took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves.

“I get that, but um… can I know why you sniffed me? That was a bit weird.”

“Smelling for blood,” the brunette said stiffly, turning on his heel to head back to the bed. “I suppose I could’ve just removed your shorts from you and checked if you were cutting your thighs, but a sniff test seemed more civil.”

“Oh. I guess,” the blonde agreed. As his Carrier had his back turned, the blonde quickly bent and picked up his clothing and shoved them into a drawer of his armoire. He’d deal with them properly in the morning.

“You don’t sound convinced. Should I have removed your shorts from you? Because there’s still time.”

“No, I’m okay, thanks.”

“Disappointing,” Leon huffed, flopping onto the bed on his back. He heaved another sigh. Cloud sat next to him and the brunette turned his attention to him. “So what _were_ you doing that was causing you so much grief?”

“Ah…” the blonde hesitated, his cheeks turning a bit pink against his will. Leon raised a brow but didn’t comment. “I was just thinking too much. Sometimes I can’t help it and I get upset. I didn’t mean to worry you. I’m sorry.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“…I’d rather not say.”

“I see,” the Carrier said. Cloud’s explanation didn’t make any sense to him. Especially since ‘sometimes I can’t help it’ implied that there had been multiple occasions where Leon should’ve had other Signet warnings and there hadn’t been any. Also, considering how long his Charge had been occupied in the shower, the brunette had reason to believe Cloud was experimenting again. Whatever he had been doing bothered him a lot, and thus the Signet alert.

“I’m sorry,” the blonde murmured.

“Why?” Leon asked.

“I can tell you’re disappointed.”

“A little. But I understand,” the Carrier said, rolling onto his stomach. He crawled further onto the bed and started scooting under the covers. “I’m not going to force you to talk about something you don’t want to. I feel like we’ve progressed to the point where I don’t have to constantly worry about your every move and can trust you not to do something stupid to yourself.”

“Ah… yeah,” Cloud agreed. _He’s so patient…_ he thought.

“Are you ready for bed?” the brunette asked, giving him an expectant look from his seat in front of their pillows.

“I suppose.” The blonde pulled his towel up and furiously rubbed at his hair to dry it as much as possible. Once satisfied, he stood and went to hang the oversized cloth on the back of their bathroom door.

When he returned to the room he was surprised to find the overhead light had been clicked off and only Leon’s bedside table was on; just enough light for him to see. The dimness was off-putting for him as it made his Carrier’s eyes glint at certain angles which made it abundantly clear Leon was staring at him. He could barely see as he made his way over to his side of the bed and pulled back the covers. The brunette watched him the entire time, which was unusual. Leon couldn’t help himself. His Charge had been passively torturing him for weeks and he wanted to take things further with Cloud even though his rational mind told him not to. The temptation was very hard to fight.

“You’re scaring me. Why are you staring at me like a creep?” the blonde asked, sitting next to the Carrier but leaning away from him. He gave Leon a suspicious side-eyed look.

“Because I’m having a hard time resisting the urge to creep on you properly so I’m creeping from a distance.”

“…Oh. I had expected you to be less forward than that.”

“If you haven’t figured out by now that I’m _the_ absolute worst poet in existence, then I feel like we should revert back to some of your more rudimentary studies and start over.”

“Right. I forget stuff sometimes. The topic of your way with words doesn’t come up often.”

“Want to know what other kind of words I’m incapable of having a way with?”

“Sure.”

“Flirting.”

“I agree.”

“You’re not supposed to agree so readily,” Leon huffed, furrowing his brows together.

Cloud laughed a bit. “Shouldn’t have said it, then.”

“Hm. I guess you’re right. Since you’re so aware of that, it shouldn’t be a problem if I blurted something I know. A secret.”

“Uh… okay.”

“I know what you’ve been doing in the shower.”

Cloud’s eyes suddenly grew wide and he turned to his Carrier with shock on his face. It lasted for only half a second, but Leon had seen it. “What? Bathe? I assume you do that too. Why is that a secret?” the blonde said quickly.

“That’s not what I mean. You know it’s not,” Leon said.

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t play stupid. I know what your face looks like when you’re actually confused. You’re not.”

Cloud took a deep breath, his cheeks turning deep red. He scowled. “What gave it away?”

“Your absurdly long showers and Tifa telling me about your shopping trip with Zack when it happened. It’s not difficult to figure out.”

“You knew for that long?” the Charge asked, his face scrunching up with a horrified expression. He suddenly felt like his world was crashing down around him.

“I did. You don’t need to be upset, though.”

“But I am! It’s fucking—oh my god,” the blonde sputtered, holding his face in his hands.

“Hold on a second,” Leon insisted, shuffling close to him. He rested his temple against the other’s shoulder and leaned against him. “I’m glad she told me. It gave me time to get used to the idea. Had I figured it out whenever you were ready to say something I probably wouldn’t have reacted well, if I’m honest. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it, and I don’t understand the appeal, but by now at least I’m not weirded out.”

“It isn’t appealing,” Cloud mumbled from behind his palms. He ran his hands down his face, pulling on his cheeks as he did so. “I’m only doing it to try and get used to the feeling so I can… maybe be more… receptive. For you,” he said awkwardly.

Leon smiled, sliding his hand around the other’s waist. “That’s sweet,” he said. He then thought about it for a moment. “I think.”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“My experience with these sorts of things is very limited. I don’t know if ‘it’s sweet’ is an appropriate response. It’s meaningful that you’re doing it for me, but the circumstances are a bit odd.”

“Yeah, I’ll say,” Cloud agreed. He cleared his throat a bit, the color in his cheeks persisting.

Leaning in, Leon peppered the blonde’s jaw line with tiny kisses. He could feel the heat radiating off his Charge’s face. “You need to calm down.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” Cloud said.

“It is. And that’s why I can wait,” the Carrier said, pulling away from him. He rubbed his hand up and down the other’s spine, hoping to ease his apparent trauma somewhat.

“There was a point where you couldn’t wait?”

“Well, I seriously considered touching you in places but it quickly became clear to me that you’re probably not in the best place for that right now.”

“Aaah… yes. You are correct. I wasn’t even aware I was doing something that was cause for touching; that wasn’t my intention.”

“For as weird as the last few minutes have been, I did mean what I said. The effort you’re putting in for my sake really is meaningful; when I think about it, that’s the part that gets me going a little. It’s nice. But I do want you to know that I’m waiting. Somewhat patiently.”

“Okay…” Cloud said sheepishly. He had mixed feelings about what Leon was telling him. On the one hand, there was a lot of pressure to get as much benefit out of his toys as possible. On the other hand, knowing Leon was looking forward to whenever he was ready was exciting. It made him genuinely curious to find out how their next adventurous encounter would go. Leon sounded uncharacteristically optimistic about it, too. That particular realization felt nice.

\---------------

Sandra, a woman that appeared to not look to be middle aged, tapped her manicured nails on Cid’s front counter as she sat with a bored expression scrawled across her face. She had started her stasis treatments when she was about Cid’s age and had had plenty of time to have surgery to hide that fact. Obsessed with youth and the idea of staying young forever, she sometimes forgot that people could still tell that she was older than what her skin said. She was nearly blemish free, but because of that, she looked artificial and people knew she was all show.

She hadn’t had any implants of any kind, but a few nips and tucks here and there, as well as treatments to clear any ‘problem’ spots away really showed when she stood next to someone who had a natural sort of complexion; one that had a bit of uneven color or a normal texture. She was too smooth, like a doll. A pretty doll, but a doll none the less. She wasn’t the sort of woman Cid was interested in, and she didn’t particularly care for his type of person either, but they got along well enough. She was a regular customer of his and he had gotten to know her fairly well over the years.

Besides her personal cosmetically altered appearance, she was determined to have everything that was shiny and new. The latest fashions, electronics, and cars were only part of a long list of things she held in high regard, and many of the conversations she hurled in Cid’s direction pertained to what superficial upgrades she could jam into whatever vehicle she had just purchased. Once they settled on something together, she would usually leave him to it and go about her business elsewhere. But lately, she had been gracing his presence more and more frequently, and her visits grew inappropriately long. Not that he minded, she wasn’t horrible company, but it was getting a little awkward for him.

“Sandra, I need to ask you a serious question, and please don’t be offended,” Cid said, watching the woman’s nails click against his countertop. Her attention had been focused on the view through the back door of the shop that led into the garage. Cloud was working on her car by himself and she could see him clearly.

“Hm?” she hummed, obviously reluctant to turn her attention anywhere else, but she eventually did.

“Is something goin’ on somewhere that you feel like you can’t go out anymore? You’ve been hangin’ around so much lately that I’m sort of worried for you; like you don’t feel safe or something. You never used to sit and wait for your work to be done. What’s up?”

Sandra shook her head. “Nothing like that, no. But…” she said thoughtfully, heaving a dramatic sigh. She then pointed towards the door she had been looking through for the last several minutes. “Do you think your employee out there would ever be interested in a woman like me?” she asked unabashedly.

“Uuh…” Cid trailed stupidly, his eyes growing wide and nearly rolling out of his skull. Taken aback, he was quiet for a long moment. “I don’t… know?”

“Hmph. You’re no help,” the woman huffed, propping her elbow up on the counter and resting her chin in her palm. She turned her attention back to the door.

“Okay hang on, let me process this for a second,” the man said, running a hand over his face. He took a moment to think before scrunching his brows together. “You shouldn’t be asking me questions like this.”

“Why not?”

“Well firstly, he’s my employee. It’d be _really_ unprofessional of me to have this sort of conversation with you and encourage or discourage whatever the hell you’ve cooked up in your head. Secondly, Sandra, you’re married.”

“Meh…” the woman dismissed with a shrug. “Ricky’s gotten so dull in his old age. I need some excitement in my life, Cid. Someone younger that’s willing to live a little.”

“I didn’t realize things were that bad. You seemed perfectly happy a month ago.”

“I’m a good actress.”

“Clearly. Duping a man into believing you’ve been interested in him for the last twenty-five years is some pretty good acting,” the shopkeeper said, rolling his eyes.

“I was interested for a long time. It’s only been the last year or so that’s been downhill. I don’t see a way of turning it around, either. All Ricky cares about is business. His company is expanding and he’s away _so_ often anymore, it’s almost like I was never married in the first place. When he _is_ home, all he wants to do is sit and watch television. We used to go out every week; we had friends! That’s all died off,” the woman sighed.

“Have you talked to him?”

“Of course I have. He tells me I’m overreacting, but I’m not! I just want someone to have a life with.”

“Okay, so why do you need a guy that’s almost eighty years your junior in order to do that? There’re plenty of guys our age out there willin’ to party.”

“He just seems so… _virile_ ,” Sandra said, staring at the blonde in question as if she was in front of a full buffet and hadn’t eaten in months.

“Now you’re just being weird.”

“I’m a needy woman, Cid.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” the man said, shaking his head.

“So, I need your honest opinion. Do you think he’d be interested?”

“In what? Helping you destroy your marriage? I honestly have no idea. I doubt it.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because he probably doesn’t even remember your name, and I never hear about him going out and partying and getting into trouble. He lives a pretty simple life from what I can tell. He hasn’t volunteered much information about it, and I don’t think it’s my place to pry. And even if I did think I was entitled to know everything about him, I wouldn’t share it with you. No offense.”

The woman frowned and sulked a little. “None taken, I guess.”

“Sorry, I’m not one for gossip.”

“I can tell. You’re no fun.”

Cloud emerged from the workshop a short time after. He recognized the woman he was doing work for, but wasn’t familiar with her. They had never held an extended conversation together, but he could tell she was well off financially and materialistic simply because she had a new car every few months and never needed repair work; only upgrades. Cloud didn’t understand the appeal of hubcaps that lit up with colorful LEDs, a blaringly loud sound system, or a cocktail mixer in the center console for the back seat passengers, but it wasn’t his place to judge. Her money was good and Cid made a great deal off her business so he couldn’t complain. As he passed by her to head behind the front counter, he gave her a polite smile.

“All set?” Cid asked.

“Yeah, sorry it took so long,” Cloud said, giving Sandra an apologetic frown. “I had to figure out the mixer thing for the center console. I had never seen one before.”

“Oh, really? I didn’t realize that; I would’ve helped you,” the shopkeeper said.

“I got it eventually. It’s dispensing water right now, but it works. “

Sandra smiled. “I like a man who can solve a problem on his own.”

Cloud raised a brow. “Thanks,” he said aloud. _I think…_ he thought.

“I have some other problems you could help me with,” she continued, leaning over the counter towards him with an inviting smile.

“I didn’t see anything wrong with your car; it’s brand new. If there’s an issue with it, taking it back to the dealership would be more cost effective than having us fix it,” the blonde deflected. He didn’t like the way she was staring at him. It was an unsettling sort of expectant look, and her artificially flawless face just made it more awkward.

“I can show you what’s wrong,” she said, gently taking hold of his wrist and pulled him around the counter again before leading him towards the workshop door. Once he registered what she was doing, he easily tugged his hand back and out of her grasp.

“I can’t take you back there with me. Safety reasons and all that; you understand. Just tell me what you think is wrong and I can check,” Cloud said flatly, clearly not amused with her efforts. _Take a hint, lady_ , he thought.

“I’m not very good with cars; I wouldn’t know how to explain it well. It’d just take a few seconds to show you. I promise not to touch any of the machines.”

“Sorry. I can’t do that—“

“Sandra, that’s enough. Give it a rest,” Cid barked from behind the register.

Before anyone else could say anything and make the situation worse, the front door was pushed open and the entry chime sounded. Everyone’s attention turned to it and Cloud let out an audible sigh of relief when he saw Leon stroll in. His Carrier was keeping his eyes low and trying not to draw too much attention to himself, as was the case whenever he stopped by when Cid had other customers in the shop. Leon didn’t accompany Cloud to or from work very often anymore, but even he needed to get out of the lab and walk every now and again. Going with Cloud or picking him up was a good excuse to do it.

He was always acutely aware that there were people around him, and he tried to be as inconspicuous as possible at all times. As a result, he was focusing too much on not being a bother and didn’t realize the tension he had walked into. He took his usual position of leaning against one of the shop’s corners and was set to wait for Cloud to clock out. However, his Charge approached him almost immediately, which was very strange. The weirdness was compounded by the blonde speaking his native tongue with a hushed tone.

“ _I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see you in my goddamn life,_ ” Cloud said.

“ _That’s… good?_ ” Leon asked, thoroughly confused.

“ _It is. Humor me for a second_ ,” the Charge insisted, bringing his hands up to cup the other’s face. Leaning forward, he laid a gentle kiss on his Carrier’s lips. Leon was very puzzled. Cloud wasn’t one for public displays of affection, so the behavior baffled him.

“ _Should I be concerned?_ ” he asked quietly.

“ _I’ll explain in a minute, I just need you to make a scene with me. Humor me_ ,” the blonde repeated.

It wasn’t very often that Cloud asked things of him, so Leon obliged him against his better judgment. The Carrier had yet to process who was in the room and might be watching them, but he still felt strange. Regardless, he loosely draped his arms over the other’s shoulders and around his neck and leaned in for another kiss. Cloud hugged him closer and let the sensation linger for a moment before pulling back again. Color was slowly seeping into Leon’s face as the Carrier’s embarrassment started to settle on his shoulders. His Charge laughed a bit at his expense.

“ _Can_ _I know what this was about now_?” Leon asked somewhat grumpily.

“ _There’s a scary woman that was hitting on me and I was having a hard time trying to come up with a polite way to get her to leave me alone. She’s a customer, so I can’t really insult her._ ”

Leon peeked around Cloud’s shoulder and saw Sandra retaking her seat at the front counter. She seemed upset. “ _She’s… interesting looking_.”

“ _She scares me. She looks like an alien._ ”

“ _It’s not that bad. She just looks very… worked on. Not bad, but very artificial._ ”

“ _Which, in my brain, is a polite way of calling her an alien._ ”

“ _I suppose. She seems rather sad. I assume she didn’t start that way_.”

“ _Really?_ ” Cloud questioned, looking behind himself. The woman’s eyes were starting to water as she sat and wallowed in her failure. “ _Ah, damn it_. _I didn’t want to do that; she was just so damn persistent_.”

“I don’t want my marriage to die, Cid,” the woman whined, turning wet eyes to the older man.

“Well you seemed pretty keen on killing it until three seconds ago,” the shopkeeper said.

“I know, I know,” Sandra sighed, wiping her eyes. “Part of me is really bitter and wants to leave but more of me is desperate for it to get better. I just don’t know how to do it. He’s completely lost interest. I feel like he’s probably having an affair already.”

“I would ask him,” Cid said simply.

Sandra laughed bitterly. “Sure. I’ll just try that.”

Leon frowned. Sandra’s story was pathetic and he assumed the woman’s cosmetic surgery was a way to try and appeal to her husband again, but it backfired. He didn’t know all the details, but it was difficult for him to understand why anyone would want to get surgery for age reversal otherwise. He could understand removing blemishes, but just yanking the skin on one’s face until it was eerily smooth didn’t seem like a good way to ‘improve.’ To him, aging was something that was very natural and special. He’d never experience it. He wasn’t human enough; too unnatural.

“I have an idea,” Leon interjected, spurred by her sad display. He made his way over to her. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear.”

“What’s your idea?” the woman asked impatiently, her tone flat and annoyed as she looked him over suspiciously.

“Well, before I explain anything, I should let you know that it’s untested and I have no actual proof it’s going to do anything for you, but you’re welcome to try it.”

“What is it?”

“I have these candles that have an extract in them that’s like a pheromone. The doses I’ve used in the past made men go a little _too_ wild, but I have one of a lesser dose that I haven’t tested yet. The idea would be to set a mood for… bedroom ventures and the like.”

“He means fucking. He’s setting a mood for fucking,” Cloud blurted as he walked past them and behind the checkout counter. He made his way to the door that lead into Cid’s apartment and went inside without another word.

Leon sighed and hung his head. “Yes. That is what I mean. But with more couth,” the Carrier said.

Sandra smiled a bit and laughed under her breath. “It sounds nice, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t skeptical.”

“Completely understandable; I don’t blame you in the least. I was hoping to test them with Cloud but, well, he’s shy.”

“Doesn’t seem very shy to me,” Sandra said flatly.

“Yeah, I know. When he’s purposefully making an ass of himself he’s not as shy.”

“I see. I feel like I should take you up on this, if for no other reason than desperation.”

“If you’re willing, I can bring a couple here next week. Just let me know how it goes.”

Sandra pondered the Carrier’s proposal for a moment. She shrugged. “Sure. I suppose if I’m willing to risk my marriage with an affair I should be willing to risk it with experimental chemicals.”

“When you put it that way, it does seem a little extreme.”

“I’m at the end of my rope. I’ll try anything.”

Satisfied with the woman’s answer, Leon agreed to bring several candles to the shop the next week, with the hopes that Sandra would report back to him the week after. By the end of their exchange, the woman was fed up with sitting around feeling sorry for herself. She paid for the work done on her car, apologized several times for her behavior, and left quietly. Once the garage closed behind her, the door into Cid’s apartment creaked open and Cloud peeked through the gap. Leon raised a brow at him. They stared at one another for a moment before his Charge eventually came into the room properly.

“Is she gone?” the blonde asked.

“Yeah,” the Carrier said.

“Holy shit,” Cloud sighed. He dramatically draped himself over the checkout counter with an exasperated grumble. Leon laughed a bit.

“I’m sorry you’ve had a rough day,” he said.

“It was totally fine until that woman dropped her bomb on me. It came out of fucking _nowhere_.”

“Stop being so handsome and you wouldn’t have these problems.”

“Fuck you.”

Cid reentered the room through the workshop door, having let Sandra out. “Who’re we fucking?” he asked.

“Cloud is upset that his face gets him too much attention,” the Carrier said.

“I know several guys that would love that. The hell is wrong with you, boy?” Cid said, turning his attention to Cloud. He whacked the blonde on the arm. “Get off my counter.”

“Sorry,” Cloud mumbled, standing straight again. “It wasn’t really the attention that bothered me. It was the… predatory approach she took. I felt cornered. Plus, I couldn’t just tell her to fuck off; her money’s good.”

“Sure you could’ve. She was harassing you; you have every right to be left alone. Don’t be afraid to defend yourself from that. If they have a problem with it, they’ll say something to me, and I’ll tell them to fuck off too.”

“Okay…” the younger blonde sighed.

The pair bid their goodbyes shortly thereafter and set out to head back to the facility together. For most of their journey, they were quiet. It was an opportunity for Leon’s mind to get carried away with overanalyzing some details that still bothered him. He could understand why Cloud chose to put their affection on display for Sandra to see. However, he felt the same result could’ve been achieved with a chaster approach; a kiss on the cheek or something. It was strange to him that his Charge wanted more than that. He liked it, even though he didn’t like how public it was. The circumstances were strange, but it was nice to see his Charge so genuinely happy to see him.

“Something on your mind?” Cloud asked, three quarters of the way through the walk.

“Hm? Oh. No. Not really,” Leon lied.

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well…” the Carrier trailed, thinking briefly. “I was just thinking about Sandra and the candles.”

“Regretting volunteering to help her?”

“No, actually. But I would feel bad if she tried them and something awful happened. They really should be tested first before giving them to her.”

“I agree.”

“So… would you be willing to do that with me?” the brunette asked.

Cloud suddenly stopped walking, forcing his Carrier to turn around and face him. “I, uh…” he trailed nervously. He felt he should agree, but the idea terrified him.

“I have an idea, and it doesn’t involve what you’re thinking.”

“What… what idea would that be, then?”

“I’d rather keep that a secret. It’s more exciting for me that way.”

“That makes me nervous.”

“You were already nervous before I said it, so what’s the difference?”

“Fair point,” Cloud said, clearing his throat as it grew tight.

“I promise I won’t hurt you,” Leon said.

“I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about me. I’d like to say that I’d be okay with it, but I feel like I’d be lying.”

“If you’re not okay, then I’ll stop.”

“Okay…” Cloud trailed uneasily. Leon watched his Charge carefully, taking in his troubled expression.

“We don’t have to. It’s okay. It was just an idea.”

“No no just… give me a day to think about it,” Cloud blurted quickly, his heart racing.

“I can do that. But in return, I need you to do me a favor.”

“What’s that?”

“Take a deep breath. You look like you’re struggling to breathe,” Leon said. The blonde did as instructed and inhaled deeply before letting the breath out slowly. He had to consciously think about it, but once he managed to force himself to get one breath in, the rest came easier.

“Sorry,” he said with obvious embarrassment. Leon smiled a bit and stepped closer to him. He gave his Charge a quick kiss on his cheek.

“I promise it’s not nearly as extreme as you think it is.”


	110. Chapter 110

Chapter 110

Cloud cupped his hands together and watched the cool water pool in his palms. Lifting them up, he doused his face with the liquid, feeling some of his tenseness wash away, but only for a moment. It was the day after his awkward interaction with Sandra, and after much consideration, he decided to test Leon’s candles with him. His Carrier insisted his plans weren’t anything extreme, but not knowing what they were still terrified him. He was attempting to calm himself before heading out of their bathroom and into the bedroom again. Leon was waiting for him.

“Everything okay?” his Carrier asked when he finally emerged through the bathroom door.

“Yeah. I’m just…” Cloud trailed, taking a deep breath to calm himself further. “I’m just being stupid.”

“Again? I thought you got over that. Did you remember to take your anti-stupid pills?”

“Ha-ha. Funny,” the blonde grumbled. He eyed the lit candle sitting peacefully in its simple glass holder on Leon’s side table. Unsure of how long it had been burning, he wondered if he should be feeling something. The only other light in the room came from the glow of the Charge’s tablet and the Carrier’s dim side table lamp.

“Honestly Cloud, I don’t know how else to explain to you that nervousness and apprehension are perfectly normal when confronted with a situation you’ve never dealt with before. You’re convinced it’s stupidity, but it’s really not,” Leon lectured, calmly tugging down the covers on his Charge’s side of the bed.

“Even if I agreed, that doesn’t make me feel better about it,” the other replied, sitting in the open space.

The Carrier shrugged. “Well, so long as you understand that you’re the only one that thinks you’re stupid, then that’s fine. I’ll forever disagree with you, but I’m not going to argue with you about it. If telling you the opposite for the last decade wasn’t enough, no amount of nagging is going to change your opinion. I can only repeat myself so much before I get bored.”

Cloud was quiet for a moment as he mulled the Carrier’s words around in his head. He glanced at the brunette briefly. “You’re serious? You really don’t think I’m stupid?”

“Of course not. Why do you think I’ve been telling you that for so long?”

“To make me feel better?”

“I’m not poetic enough to lie and be convincing at the same time. I can do one or the other; but not both.”

“Hm.”

“Did you really not believe me?”

“I’m not sure. Agreeing with you sounds feasible, but when I actually think about it I feel like I’m lying to myself. It’s weird.”

“You’ve come a long way from where you used to be. There’s a difference between being disadvantaged and stupid. There’s also a difference between mental illness and stupidity. You’ve never been stupid, but you’ve been other things.”

“I guess.”

“It’s true whether you believe me or not,” Leon said simply. Cloud’s tablet was lying next to him and he picked it up so he could make a few notes. So far, his Charge’s behavior wasn’t being affected by the candle in a way that was noticeable. The blonde was alert and cognitive, which was good. The Carrier didn’t want his Charge to become a brainless sex zombie.

Leon had never been an insulting sort of person, but right then, the blonde felt like it was the first time he was actually processing that fact fully. His Carrier wasn’t above taking the occasional sarcastic jab at his expense, but he had never been actually verbally malicious towards him. He wasn’t sure why the thought suddenly had a lot more meaning to him, but it did. Internalizing the information made the idea of being more involved with his Carrier less scary. Leon’s patience and understanding made it so Cloud didn’t have to worry about making mistakes; or so it felt.

“Can you smell the candle at all?” the brunette asked. He could, but it was much less pungent than the one he gave Tifa to test. It was hard to say whether or not the aroma coincided with the effectiveness.

Cloud inhaled through his nose deeply. “Kind of.”

“Okay,” Leon said, taking a note.

“I feel like something should be happening,” the blonde mumbled, hugging his knees to his chest. He rested his cheek against them, feeling his heart thump against his ribcage nervously.

“It could do absolutely nothing. This is a test, after all. No results are still results.”

“I suppose.” The Charge inhaled again, the faint wafts of the candle’s scent tickling his nose pleasantly. It was a familiar smell; one that he was starting to associate with Leon. Whenever his Carrier pruned his growing table, there was a residual sweet smell that clung to him for a time. It was nice, but he’d never admit it out of embarrassment. He watched his Carrier poke at the tablet for a moment, his mind further binding the brunette’s image with the candle’s scent. His heart did a bit of a flip.

Cloud was feeling a lot of things. It was a gradual trickle of emotion, but it welled in his chest and made breathing a little more difficult. But underneath it all and most importantly, there was a very distinct feeling of _want_. He wanted something. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he wanted it. It wasn’t the same as arousal, either. He was intimately familiar with that feeling, but what was coursing through his veins in that moment wasn’t the same. It wasn’t warm, it wasn’t tingling, but he couldn’t deny that it was there. It was just a heavy and unrelenting feeling of _want_.

Inching closer to his Carrier, Leon startled a bit when he felt Cloud lean against him to rest his head on his shoulder. It wasn’t something his Charge did very often, so the sensation felt foreign. The movement was incessant, though, as the blonde put most of his weight against him. Leon wasn’t sure what Cloud was going for, but when he looked over at the other’s face, he wasn’t sure that the blonde knew either. His Charge’s eyes were somewhat glassy and unfocused as he stared down at the bed underneath them.

“Hey,” Leon said gently, sliding his arm around the other’s waist.

“Hm?” Briefly, the light returned to Cloud’s eyes and he blinked, looking up into his Carrier’s very close face.

“You alright?” the brunette questioned, his voice low.

“Yeah,” the blonde breathed.

As if on cue, the glaring white light from the tablet blinked out as the device went to sleep. Cloud couldn’t see nearly as well anymore, but he could feel the Carrier rest his forehead against his and the warmth from his breath moving over his lips. His arms broke out in goosebumps and a slow shiver traveled down his back. The realization of what he wanted crawled into his head and clung to the walls of his mind. Reaching up, he cupped the back of Leon’s neck and pulled him forward, closing the already miniscule distance between them. Their lips met, the heat building quickly.

Though Cloud’s movements were somewhat abrupt, Leon was pleased to feel that they weren’t urgent. There wasn’t much buildup, but once it was started, the suddenness didn’t stick around. He had expected a more bombastic sort of experience given what Tifa had described to him in the past about her experiences, and he was glad he this was different. Had Cloud been more energetic, it wouldn’t have been as genuine. The kisses were deep, but cautious. Neither of them hesitated to get tongues involved, but they also didn’t move to try anything more. Eventually, Cloud turned to face him properly and gently rubbed the nape of his Carrier’s neck with his fingertips before combing them through the rest of the way down Leon’s hair.

“So, what’s the plan?” the blonde murmured against the other’s breath. Pulling back, he kept somewhat hazy eye contact with his Carrier, watching his face carefully.

“First, how’re you feeling?” Leon asked, taking hold of Cloud’s free arm and pulling it up to drape it over his shoulder just as the first one was. In response, the blonde folded the limbs around his Carrier’s neck without much thought.

“M’okay,” he mumbled, feeling the other’s hands then move around to the small of his back.

“Can you feel any distinct differences versus how you normally feel? Like, is it hard to focus at all? Be honest. This needs to be accurate,” the Carrier persisted, turning himself around the rest of the way to sit with Cloud face to face. Tugging his Charge closer, the blonde came to rest in front of him with his legs draped over Leon’s thighs.

“Not really. I can still think all the things I need to, I suppose,” Cloud said, folding his lower limbs around the other’s waist comfortably.

“I’m glad to hear that. Anything going on with your vision? Seeing any spots or weird lights or anything?” Leon continued, using his entire self to scoot them both around so they could use all of the bed instead of just the top half. He then started to lean Cloud back.

The Charge was distracted glancing around to see if he could see anything strange. He couldn’t see much in general, let alone anomalies. “Mmm… no,” he concluded.

“That’s good. Hearing any ringing? Or anything besides me?” The brunette settled Cloud back against the mattress gently, their position somewhat backwards as their heads faced the end of the bed with their feet up by the pillows. He hovered over his Charge for a moment.

“No,” the blonde said. He raised a brow at the face above him. “Can I know what we’re doing, now?”

“I’m not done yet,” Leon chided, lowering himself to peck a line of kisses along the underside of Cloud’s jaw. “Feel anything strange? Numbness? Pain? Abnormal tingling?” he asked, his hands sliding down and under the waistband of his Charge’s loose fitting shorts.

Cloud sucked in a breath as strong hands suddenly grabbed his ass and squeezed. “Ah, well, you’re making that observation somewhat difficult to parse right now, sir,” he said, running his fingers through the Carrier’s hair again. It was a nervous gesture, but he didn’t really feel the nervousness. He just felt like it was an appropriate thing to do with no real reason to do it. He was a little confused with himself.

“I apologize. It was a weak moment,” Leon said, leaving a firm kiss against the blonde’s pulse before sitting upright again. He started inching Cloud’s shorts down his legs casually. “No numbness or pain, though?”

Cloud lightly shook his head, watching the dark and vague shape of the Carrier’s hands as they disrobed him. He furrowed his brows a bit and felt like he was missing something. Besides his shorts, that is. However, there wasn’t very much time to focus on what that something was. Once his Carrier had him properly exposed, Leon lowered himself again, bringing their faces close. The blonde’s gaze flicked between the other’s eyes and his lips several times.

“Good,” Leon said as a grin tugged at the corners of the Carrier’s mouth. Knowing that his Charge was more or less in his right mind not only made him feel better about proceeding, but it made the blonde’s fuzzy obliviousness more entertaining for him.

Cloud closed the gap between them and stole a brief kiss; Leon was hesitating too much for his liking. Bringing his arms up, the blonde encircled the other’s neck again, keeping them together. The feeling of longing creeping under his skin hadn’t dissipated, and his Carrier had been scratching that itch for him very well up until he started talking. Therefore, Leon needed to either shut up and pick up where he left off, or get a move on with whatever he was planning. The impatience picked at him terribly.

Leon could see the mild frustration his Charge had, and though entertaining, that wasn’t his aim. He pressed onward, capturing the other’s lips with his; slowly at first. Cloud’s impatience didn’t let him stay that way very long, though. Not that the Carrier minded; he liked the feeling of the blonde’s tongue gliding against his. It sent a pleasurable shiver down his spine, and he found himself getting lost in the feeling for a moment. He had to force himself to stop and wake up before he could get hung up on taking things too far. Cloud hadn’t said he was ready for actual intercourse, so Leon couldn’t allow himself to feel like it was going to happen lest he repeat his past mistakes. It took every ounce of his willpower to pull away and deny himself what he _really_ wanted.

With his mind in a fog, it took Cloud a moment to fully register that Leon’s face was moving away from his without the intention of coming back. Watching the ceiling, the blonde suddenly felt his entire body break out in tingly goosebumps as both of his Carrier’s hands snuck under the bottom hem of his t-shirt and felt him from his navel to his chest. Leon was pushing the fabric up as he did so, following his hands with a light trail of kisses; ones Cloud could barely feel. Once satisfied, Leon started moving down again, the blonde’s abdomen flexing as his Carrier’s palms smoothed over his skin.

“Your hands’er hot,” Cloud murmured.

“Yeah? Just noticing this now?” Leon asked, raising a brow.

“No. Just felt like tellin’ you.”

“Oh. Okay,” the brunette said, stifling a laugh.

The Carrier hesitated for a moment once his hands reached Cloud’s hips. The blonde’s half hardened member lay splayed out in front of him unabashedly, but Leon had to reel his sudden damaging thoughts in before he could bring himself to continue. He inhaled several quiet but deep breaths before bringing his hands lower; berating himself for getting nervous about problems he should’ve gotten over years ago.

Cloud sucked in a noiseless gasp when the other’s warm grasp took hold of his shaft. He immediately pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking down the length of his body at Leon with a somewhat worried face. His hands gripped the comforter under him and his knees bent, bringing his legs up. When Leon touched him, it didn’t feel the same as when he touched himself. He couldn’t tell if it was the candle, the fact that the Carrier’s hands felt like they had just come out of an oven, or if was nerves, but Cloud felt hypersensitive to the contact Leon was giving him. The brunette hadn’t even done anything yet; just took him in his hand. He was acutely aware of how his mind was overreacting, though, and it didn’t help calm his abrupt bout of anxiety in the least.

Carefully watching his Charge’s face, Leon started moving his hands. One gently massaged the blonde’s sac whilst the other slowly stroked his length. Immediately, the blonde’s eyes fluttered closed and his breathing turned heavy. It wasn’t long before he was coaxed into full rigidity in the Carrier’s palm. The tingling sensation Leon continually pulled from him spread all across his pelvis and traveled up his spine. But after only a short while, something changed. Cloud could feel the Carrier reposition him and his grip stayed at his base. He opened his eyes just in time to see a terrifying glint of white that caused him to yell in surprise and slam his legs closed.

It was then that Leon’s head was crushed between Cloud’s thighs.

“Ah! _Fuck_!” the Carrier roared, pulling himself back and immediately covering his ears with his hands. He rubbed them for a moment.

Cloud sat up. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! It was a reflex!”

“Did you really have to try and decapitate me with your thunder thighs?!” the brunette growled.

“You scared me! Give me some warning next time!”

“Scared you with _what_ , exactly? Do you want me to suck you off or not?!”

“I had no idea that’s what you were trying to do!”

“Well why else would I try to put your junk in my mouth?!”

“I have no idea! I’ve never done this before!”

“I know! But you know how it works!”

“Pretend you’ve never done this and then suddenly realized there were giant fangs coming towards your junk. What would you do?”

Leon pressed his lips into a thin line. He sighed. “I forgot about my teeth.”

“So you get where I’m coming from.”

“Yeah. You really didn’t need to crush my head, though.”

“I know. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry,” Cloud said, his cheeks pink with embarrassment.

“You’re just going to have to trust me. I’m not going to bite you.”

“Not on purpose, but I’m not convinced your mouth can open wide enough to get everything in there _and_ keep your teeth off me.”

“Okay, first of all,” Leon said, putting his hands on the other’s shoulders. He pushed his Charge until he flopped back against the bed again. Hovering over him, the Carrier gave him a sly look. “I _have_ done this in the past. Many times. Secondly,” he continued, reaching down to pull up the blonde’s shirt to where it had been before. “Yes, your cock is bigger than average, but it’s not like I’m trying to shove your leg down my throat, okay? Relax.”

“I’m finding it increasingly difficult to do that,” Cloud said.

“Well, stop it,” Leon insisted grumpily. He reached down between the other’s legs and took hold of his now flaccid member.

 Cloud scrunched up his face and put his hands on his Carrier’s shoulders. “Wait. Stop.”

The brunette’s expression briefly dropped to one of immense disappointment before turning neutral again. He took his hand away and gave his Charge his attention. Cloud didn’t know what to say. He stared up at his very patient Carrier’s face and tried to think of what he was trying to accomplish by asking him to stop. Leon’s lack of hesitation when doing what the blonde asked struck a chord in Cloud’s heart, making it very difficult to deny him anything. He was scared, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he was afraid of the new experience, not the threat of harm. And even then, if there was harm to be done, he trusted Leon to stop when he asked to, just as he had done a second before.

“What about you?” Cloud blurted before he could lose his nerve and stop everything in its entirety. To keep his hands busy, he laced his fingers together behind Leon’s neck, his thumbs rubbing along the Carrier’s hairline behind his ears.

“What _about_ me?” the brunette asked, his brows rising again.

“There’s more after this part, right? I can’t be the only one getting anything out of this.”

Leon hesitated for a moment before speaking again. “When you’re ready – and I mean actually ready, not obligated ready – let me know. Then there can be more. This specific instance serves a higher purpose than just getting a couple pairs of rocks off, if you recall.”

“Oh… yeah. I forgot,” Cloud mumbled, glancing at the candle still burning on the Carrier’s side table.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Leon continued, taking hold of his Charge’s wrist and pulling the hand around to his face so he could kiss the backs of the blonde’s fingers. “I’m more than willing to do this and more as often as you want, but I need to know you’re ready first. I’m not going to push you beyond this otherwise.”

“Can I consider that a promise?”

“What, that I’m not going to push you? Do you really think I’d do that again?”

“No, a promise that you actually want more than this.”

“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”

“I always think you don’t, but that’s really my problem. Nothing that you’ve done.”

“I see,” the Carrier said, laying several more kisses against the other’s fingers. “Thank you for the concern, but I’m okay with it. Really.”

“Okay,” Cloud said, taking a deep breath.

“I will say that, despite having my skull be squeezed like a melon, I’m glad you’re cognizant enough to react appropriately when something you don’t like is happening,” Leon said, quickly pulling away from the blonde’s face and leaving a trail of firm kisses down his sternum again.

“It’s not that I don’t like it—“ Cloud attempted, his fingers running through the Carrier’s hair again as he watched the ceiling. He could tell where Leon was going and decided not to look lest he scare himself once more.

“You’re missing my point. My biggest concern was that this thing was going to lull people into a trance that’d let the other party get away with anything without resistance. That’d be a serious flaw in product design that could easily be taken advantage of if less savory individuals decided that was their plan.”

“Ah, very true. Good forethought.”

“I thought so too,” Leon said, running his hands over the inside of the other’s thighs, his kisses trailing over the skin that connected them to the rest of the blonde’s body. Cloud let out a shaky breath in response.

Without much warning, his soft member was engulfed in a heat much hotter than the Carrier’s hands. Letting out a sudden gasp, Cloud propped himself up on his elbows again, his eyes portraying his mixed feelings of desire and apprehension. A lusty gaze watched the Carrier’s mouth glide over his most personal place with ease, pulling at the flesh gently as he moved. It wasn’t long before his shaft started to engorge and Leon brought a hand in to support it. The Carrier ran his textured tongue along its underside from base to tip, eliciting a breathy groan from his Charge in response.

Cloud found himself transfixed by the way Leon’s lips slid over his skin, leaving a cooling trail of saliva in their wake. His Carrier could only take in two thirds of his length before pulling back, but he made up the difference with his hand. The coordination drove a wedge of pleasure into the blonde’s pelvis that made his thighs twitch. His hands gripped the comforter, his knuckles turning white with the force. It had been such a long time since someone else touched him, it was hard for his mind to process the feeling fully. It was overwhelming, but wonderful. He didn’t want it to stop.

Leon was thoroughly enjoying his Charge’s reaction. His favorite part was the expression Cloud gave him. Half-lidded eyes were focused only on him and accompanied by the blonde’s heavy breaths. Cloud wasn’t very vocal, which was a shame for Leon to discover. But the few sounds that did manage to escape him were all the more tantalizing. They were soft, and more like the air got caught in the blonde’s throat than a grunt or a moan, but the effort Cloud put forth to prevent them from becoming anything more was entertaining.

The blonde’s breath hitched as his climax mounted. His mind was awash with blinding pleasure and he couldn’t bring himself to be concerned about what he was supposed to do for the end result. Luckily for him, Leon was perceptive enough to know what he wanted to do. As Cloud drew close to the edge, he squeezed his eyes shut and let his head hang back, his face turned toward the ceiling. As his breath escaped him in great heaves, Leon took that as a sign to back off and pull away. He sat up and continued pumping his Charge’s length with his hand, smoothly pulling the surge from the heated body beneath him.

Gripping the comforter, Cloud released with a groan, his seed spilling from him and falling along the exposed expanse of his stomach. A smile pulled at the corners of the Carrier’s lips, his grip loose on the pulsating flesh in his hand. He waited patiently for the episode to end, his amusement slowly fading to an overall simmering feel of envy. Cloud flopped back against the bed, and Leon took that as a cue to get him cleaned up. He scooted across the bed to his side table and pulled open the drawer.

Clouds startled when he suddenly felt something cold and hard scrape against his stomach. He picked his head up to see Leon running a sample cup over his skin, scooping up as much of his climax as possible. Once satisfied, the Carrier capped the little plastic cup and dropped it into the sample canister proper, sealing it shut with a button press. Setting the vessel aside, he sat a short distance away from his Charge and tried to calm his jealous nerves. It was an emotion he had repressed for a long while; the feeling was unfamiliar.

 _Must be nice…_ he thought, but he heaved a sigh and scolded himself for his childishness. He really wanted some relief of his own, but his better judgment told him to be patient. It was a struggle.

Cloud had no idea what to do. He felt like he should do _something_ , but he couldn’t even begin to imagine a plan. Leon was hesitating as he sat on the edge of the bed, and he could see the conflict of interests play out on the Carrier’s face plainly. An awkward air settled over them both. It sat for a while before fading a little when Leon decided to get up and head to their bathroom. He returned quickly and draped a warm wet rag over the blonde’s torso.

“I’m going to grab a shower,” Leon murmured, making his way towards the bathroom again.

Cloud hurriedly sat up. “Wait,” he said, making the Carrier stop and look back to him. “I really feel awful for leaving you hanging like this. Just… come back.”

“I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“No, I can’t just leave—“

Leon held up a hand to stop him. “Can’t just leave me hanging. Yeah, I get it. You can make it up to me later when you’re ready.”

“But—“

“Cloud. Stop. It’s fine. I promise,” the Carrier insisted. “Just let it go for now.”

The blonde took a deep breath and let out a dejected sigh. “Okay.”

“Thank you,” Leon said.

Cloud watched the brunette leave, his brows pushed together unhappily. Once the door closed behind Leon, the blonde’s mood dropped considerably. He felt terrible for neglecting his Carrier, and gave serious thought to following him into the shower. But he resisted. The fact that he had no idea what to do coupled with Leon’s very blatant refusal kept him glued in his place. Flopping back against the bed with a sigh, he deftly moved the rag around on his stomach, more or less wiping himself clean. When he heard the shower start, he sighed again. Part of him wanted to shower with him, but it was clear that the Carrier didn’t want him around. Not that he blamed him.

Leon refused to masturbate. He felt angry, and he knew that attempting relief would just end with unsatisfying nothingness. The Carrier couldn’t get off when he was cranky, but this time it was worse than normal. In addition to his frustration, he was completely aware of how unreasonable he was being. He didn’t want to feel the way he was, and he sincerely wished he could follow through with the patience he kept telling himself he had. At that moment, it felt like he had been lying to himself for months and he was actually just an immature asshole that blamed his traumatized partner for not hurrying up and getting over his issues. He hated it.

Shivering lightly, Leon forced himself to stand under the cold spray in an effort to calm his boiling hormones. Once his anger settled, he was able to think more. That turned out to be a double edged sword because he quickly found himself on a very odd boner rollercoaster. He’d calm down, start thinking, his mind would eventually go back to the sound of Cloud’s heavy pleasurable breathing, get horny, and then the cycle would start again. It took him a while before he was able to reliably get his penis to get over itself.

Meanwhile, Cloud was milling around in the bedroom by himself, wondering what he should be doing. He had blown the candle out, cleaned everything up as best he could, and had the window open to air out the room of any residual pheromones. He eventually settled for sitting on the bed quietly, dressed only in his pajama pants. After a while, Leon returned to him, and didn’t make any eye contact as he made his way over to his side of the bed and flopped into place, his damp hair ignored. It was then that Cloud wished he was more eloquent. He would’ve known what to say if he was.

Leon busied himself with retrieving his kiseru and Zen from his side table. Inhaling deeply as he lit up, he cast a sidelong glance to Cloud. The blonde was staring down at his hands. Without a word, the Carrier held out the pipe to him, raising a questioning brow. The blonde looked at the object briefly, his mental gears turning for just a moment. Giving in, he took the kiseru and watched the thin tendril of smoke curl towards the ceiling. After another second of consideration, he decided he had nothing to lose and took a cautious inhale from the mouthpiece. Holding the burning breath, the coughing didn’t set in until a few seconds after.

“I’ve had worse,” the blonde croaked, attempting to clear his lungs. Leon smiled a bit. Once he could breathe easy again, Cloud took another hit. That time, the experience considerably smoother, but still not perfect. He handed the pipe back and Leon took another drag.

A tense silence filtered through the air as they passed the kiseru back and forth between them. Cloud could easily understand why his Carrier smoked. As time went on and the bowl slowly emptied, he could feel the tension leaking out of his shoulders. He felt more comfortable in his own skin, and his mind was quieter. He could tell it was a temporary fix, but for the moment, he felt considerably better. It was easy to let his mind wander aimlessly as he watched Leon clean the kiseru diligently before putting it away.

“You know,” Cloud started, scooting under his covers. He hugged his pillow to his face as he lay on his side. “Despite my trying to not do it, I can’t stop wondering what Aerith would think about all of this,” the blonde murmured.

“That so?” Leon asked curiously. The statement was rather abrupt to him, but he figured he’d humor his Charge for the moment.

“Yeah. It’s really stupid.”

“Why do you say that?”

Cloud hesitated. “You remember how you got cranky at me for trying to say it felt like you were taking Aerith’s place?”

“Yes…”

“I wonder what she’d say to that. I think about it more often than I probably should.”

“Do you know why that is? Does it bother you?” Leon asked, scooting under his own side of the covers and mimicking his Charge’s position so they were facing one another.

“I can’t tell. If it did, that’d be even more stupid. It’s not like I’d ever see her again, so why should I worry about it?”

“That may be true, but if she had died in a more neutral fashion – like from an illness or something – do you think she would’ve told you to stagnate and be by yourself for forever once she was gone?”

“It’s hard for me to imagine her wishing good will to me after what I did to her.”

Leon sighed and rolled his eyes. “Cloud, I’m a gigantic impatient asshole and I don’t even wish ill will on you for everything that’s happened. If you really think Aerith is more of an asshole than I am and that she’d _really_ want you to be miserable for the rest of your life because you did things you couldn’t control, then there are more problems with this scenario than I can hypothesize.”

“You’re not impatient.”

“Not in front of you, maybe.”

“Well that’s all that matters to me, so that makes you not impatient. A gigantic asshole sometimes, yes. But not impatient.”

“It’s good to know you’re not deluding yourself too far into a vision of grandeur with me. So long as we have at least a mild understanding of what our true natures are it makes dealing with awkward confessions feel a little more genuine.”

“Awkward confessions?”

“I feel like that’s what this is. It’s been months since you brought this up and, like you changing clothes to get my attention, you say you’ve thought about this more than you should with no real input from me. It’s difficult for me to not take it more seriously. Am I wrong?”

Cloud was quiet for a moment as he pondered the Carrier’s words. He shook his head. “No. You’re not. I still feel like you’re taking her place. Or at least my subconscious is trying to replace her with you.”

“Does it bother you?”

Again, Cloud was quiet as he considered the question carefully. He took a deep breath. “It doesn’t when I think of it simply. Like if I ask myself ‘does Leon mean that much to me?’ the answer is… yes. You do. But I also feel like I’m betraying her. But that has nothing to do with you specifically. I think I’d feel like that if it was anyone else. It bothers me that I can’t seem to move past it, though. It bothers me a _lot_. I want to move on. I want to stop thinking about it. But… I can’t.”

“I don’t hold it against you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Leon said, scooting a bit closer to him. He reached over and ran his fingers through his Charge’s hair. The touch was calming, and Cloud closed his eyes in response. “It’s hard to move past traumas when there’s no real closure. I’d say it’s normal to have those feelings lingering. I’d much rather you not torture yourself with it, but I don’t think less of you because it happens.”

“But doesn’t it bother you that I still think about her a lot? Like from a relationship standpoint.”

“I haven’t had the chance to process it enough to know if it bothers me. This whole conversation has sort of hit me out of nowhere. I was expecting to smoke and fall asleep, honestly.”

“Sorry. I’ll stop.”

Leon let out an indignant snort. “No you fucking won’t. Listen,” he started, scooting closer to his Charge until their faces were barely an inch apart. “I understand that half of this word vomit is probably coming from the Zen, but it makes me really _really_ happy that you’re telling me all of this. Seriously. And I’m even happier that our test didn’t end in disaster. This is stuff I had so much skepticism over; it feels a little surreal. The only reason I would ever want you to stop telling me these things is if you doubt your sincerity. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Do you doubt your sincerity?”

“No,” Cloud said, shaking his head a bit.

“Do I really mean as much to you as Aerith does?” Leon asked, his attention laser focused on the blonde’s expression. Any hint of doubt in Cloud’s eyes would discredit the entire conversation and the Carrier desperately hoped he wouldn’t see any.

“Yes,” the Charge said without hesitation. There were a lot of feelings coursing through his veins and through his head, but Cloud was surprised to find how easily he could sort through them. He made a mental note to smoke with Leon whenever he had something important to say because the words were effortless to put together when he could actually understand what his mind was trying to do. Leon was never so deep into his smoking that he seemed intoxicated or delirious, so Cloud felt fairly confident that his using it as a way to be less emotionally stunted was an okay idea. He just hoped he was right and didn’t wake up the next day feeling like he made a mistake by confessing to the Carrier as he was.

Leon really did mean a lot to him. He owed the Carrier his entire life, and still didn’t feel like he deserved one iota of the support and patience he was given day in and day out. He didn’t understand how one person could pour out so much generosity for so long without frying himself, but he took it to heart and cherished it anyway. He could already feel how much Leon loved him in return despite the Carrier not saying it directly. Because of that, returning the feelings just felt right.

It wasn’t the same sort of lovey-dovey feelings he felt for Aerith when they had been together, but it held a very similar importance. He couldn’t sleep when Leon wasn’t with him, he was upset when Leon was sick and needed surgery, he was trying to change his preferences because he wanted to give Leon a relationship that was fulfilling in all aspects, and Leon was just about all he could think about for the last few years. He didn’t feel bubbly and giddy when they were together, but if he had to wake up in a world without his Carrier, Cloud didn’t know what he would do with himself. If that wasn’t love, then he didn’t know what was.

The only problem he had now was a fear of admitting it in plain language. He could say Leon meant a lot to him, he could say he cared, and he could think about loving him. But when he thought about actually saying the words ‘I love you’ to his Carrier, he found it very difficult. Not because he felt like he was lying of being dishonest with himself, but because he felt like everything would disappear if he did. So far in his life, he had destroyed everything he told he loved. Leon had taught him that those sorts of feelings needed to stay in the past where they belonged, but he couldn’t help feeling like he’d be inviting disaster if he openly told his Carrier he loved him in such plain language. He didn’t have the confidence in his sanity he needed to be okay with it.

Leon didn’t seem to mind, though. Once he saw the concrete resolve his Charge put forth with his words, the Carrier’s doubt trickled away and he was able to allow himself to accept it. For the moment, anyway. Similarly to how Cloud felt about his own sanity, Leon couldn’t discount the fact that his anxiety was lurking behind every mental corner waiting to sabotage him as soon as the Zen cleared out of his system. He would have to take a step back and reassess their conversation the next day to make sure he really believed Cloud, but he hoped he was okay with it. His Charge’s sincerity seemed genuine, but only time would really tell.

For the moment, though, Leon was okay with reveling in the rush of warmth he felt believing Cloud’s confession. He couldn’t think of much more to say, so he settled for pulling his Charge close and hugging him tightly. The blonde settled against him comfortably, exhaling a long breath out through his nose he hadn’t realized he had been holding.

“Does this mean I get a consistent regimen of blowjobs for the rest of forever?” Cloud abruptly asked after several comfortable minutes of silence.

“Only if you promise not to crush my face every time it happens,” Leon grumbled, though he couldn’t help but to laugh a bit.


	111. Chapter 111

Chapter 111

Given the circumstances, Cloud couldn’t say much changed once he sort of told Leon how he felt. Part of him expected to get more attention from his Carrier. He knew Leon was starved for affection; he had to be. Their recent conversations would’ve given him a completely legitimate excuse to get closer and take advantage of the feelings. Cloud was surprised he didn’t. Then he became worried that Leon didn’t. The whole situation was a mixed bag of confusion. On the one hand, he was okay with things staying the way they had been. On the other, he wanted the extra attention. After a day of stewing in his bewilderment, he decided to leave it alone and hope Leon would offer him some insight eventually. Meanwhile, he kept his mind busy with his toys in the shower.

A couple days of normalcy came and went before he had to return to Cid’s shop for work again. With him, he brought a few of Leon’s candles for Sandra. Cid had let her know when the blonde was returning, and she went to meet up with them. She wasn’t nearly as happy to see Cloud that time around, though. The Charge could tell things hadn’t improved on their own between her and her husband, but he didn’t make an effort to find out just how bad it was. He simply handed her the candles, gave her simple cordial pleasantries, and left to do his work. He didn’t know how long she stuck around for, but by the end of his shift, she was gone.

“Hm,” Cid hummed thoughtfully, furrowing his brows as he looked over his tablet.

“What’s up?” Cloud asked as he emerged from the workshop. His shift was just about over for the day.

“Eh, nothing exciting. Which is sort of the problem.”

“Problem?”

“Well, not really a _problem_ per se, but still sort of a problem.”

“You’re not making any sense.”

“Ah, you don’t have to worry about it. It’s just money bullshit.”

“Seeing as how this is my place of employment, I think money bullshit is something I should be worried about.”

“Very true. Okay, so… you know the purpose of owning a business is to make money, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, mine isn’t making any money. It isn’t losing money, but it’s not making any either. It’s not growing.”

“Oh. What’s the problem? Not enough business coming in? Standing around doing nothing when I’m not here?”

“No, actually. We have stuff to do, but the orders are usually so… simple. Small stuff. Occasionally we get the bigger stuff – like dealing with Sandra’s car fetish and whatever – but usually it’s just… an alignment, or tire rotation. Which, don’t get me wrong, is stuff we need to do, but there’s more we could be doing.”

“Like what?”

“The best thing we could get into is anti-radiation coating. That would be huge for us.”

“So… do that? Why aren’t we?” Cloud asked.

“It’s _very_ expensive to get into. Right now, the only other place that does it here is the dome entry patrol. They’re contracted by the government to do it for their delivery trucks coming in and out for food and other official stuff, but they charge civilians a stupid amount of money to coat their vehicles so they can travel for leisure or business purposes or whatever. If I had my own spray station and equipment I could not only mitigate the cost of having to pay for the entry patrol to handle my supply deliveries, but I could offer the service to other people too.”

“What all is involved?”

“We’d need the sprayer, the containment station to put the cars and whatever in so we can coat them, the control terminal for it, then we’d need a handling permit for the coating, and then we’d need a steady supply of the actual coating itself. Then I would send us for training on how to use the damn program because fuck if I know how to do the buttons,” Cid said, waving a dismissive hand.

“Sounds like a big deal.”

“It’s probably simpler than what I feel like it is, but even if it’s really easy, it’s still a massive investment. I just don’t have the disposable funds to leap into it without putting everything at risk,” Cid sighed, frowning a bit. “Oh well. This is fine for now. Like I said, we’re not sinking. We’re just not going anywhere and just sort of treading water.”

“How much money would you need to get started?”

“According to my math, which may or may not be good, it’s a little less than five million Credits. That’s for the basics for small two and four door vehicles. Motorcycles, utility vehicles, and open-air things are a whole other bag of potatoes. The supply of coating would be separate.”

“I have very little understanding of that amount of money. Five million of anything sounds like a lot, but I don’t actually get how much it actually is,” Cloud said, scrunching his face up confusedly.

“Well… last year I paid you about one and a half million, if that helps,” Cid said, raising a perplexed brow at his employee.

“Did you?” the younger blonde asked, furrowing his brows together.

“…Yes. I did. Have you ever looked at your bank account and noticed a deposit every two weeks?”

“I have a bank account?”

“Well, the money is going _somewhere_. You don’t remember getting an email from me asking for your account number after I hired you?”

“Leon pays attention to the emails, mostly.”

“Then Leon gave me an account number to put your paycheck in. You’ve never seen that account before?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a bank before, let alone an account for one.”

“Cloud,” Cid balked. He was completely dumbfounded for a moment, unable to speak. His employee simply shrugged.

“Money hasn’t ever been an important thing for me. Not back home. Not now. Not ever.”

“You’re serious?”

“Yeah.”

“Does Leon know that? Should I be concerned that I’ve been dumping your paycheck into his pocket and not yours?”

“No. If I ask him about it, I’m sure he’d tell me whatever I wanted. I just never have. I mean, he’s given me the Credit card and I’ve paid for stuff before – gone out to the bar and whatever – but I never spent so much money that it felt like I should be concerned. Also, I haven’t actually spent much of anything in… a long time. I bought some clothes and little stuff, but I’m willing to bet the vast majority of whatever you paid me is just hanging around doing nothing.”

“Leon wouldn’t have spent any of it?”

“If he ever left the facility for anything other than coming here, I would say he might’ve. But he doesn’t. So, no. He hasn’t spent anything to my knowledge. Nothing new has appeared in our space.”

“That… is _so_ fascinatin’ to me. Seriously. You guys are really that well supplied up there on the hill?”

Again, Cloud shrugged. “I don’t have to buy food, pay for housing, or pay for toiletries and stuff like that. Leon’s clothing is given to him. I don’t abuse mine to where it needs replacing very often. Neither of us go out and do very much anymore.”

“Gee, I wish I could live somewhere for free,” Cid grumbled.

“I don’t actually think I deserve any of it, but Leon does. So I just listen to him and trust that he knows what he’s talking about. But, in our defense, we work twelve hours a day pretty much every day. Sundays are lighter, but there’s still work there too.”

“Huh. It’s a wonder you can find the time to be here.”

“I’m sure if I told Leon I didn’t want to do it anymore, he’d let me loaf around and do nothing. As far as lab work goes, I already do substantially less than he does. I get cabin fever if I don’t get a change of scenery every now and again; that’s why I work here. It’s never been about money for me. But he can stand around in there and do work for ten hours straight without thinking about it. I’m the only reason he remembers to eat.”

“Does he not like eating or something?”

“No, he just gets so wrapped up in his own head that he forgets. It’s really weird,” Cloud said furrowing his brows a bit. “I feel like I’m starving to death every four hours so I don’t think he even makes an effort to try and remember because he knows I’ll be there to whine at him until we eat.”

“That’s funny,” Cid said, chuckling under his breath with a wide smile. He was amused by the younger blonde’s story mostly because it was one of the rare times Cloud talked about his life. The Charge wasn’t exactly resistant to speaking of it, but there weren’t very many times where the conversation would be appropriate so it just never came up. When he thought about it, Cid didn’t know all that much about his employee outside of the work he did.

“Anyway,” Cloud said, his cheeks turning a bit pink. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling embarrassed, but he was a little bit. “Give Leon a call and we can figure out what’s going on with this account stuff.”

“So long as you trust that the money is going to the right place, I’m not concerned. We don’t need to call him.”

“I’m curious, though. It’s one of those things that’ll bother me until I find out what’s what. Call him.”

Cid shrugged. “Okay,” he agreed, still amused by the younger blonde’s demeanor. He did as was requested of him and used his tablet to put a call into Cloud and Leon’s lab, assuming that’s where the Carrier would be. Cloud came around the front counter and hovered behind the shopkeeper so he could see. Cid’s assumption was correct, and after a brief moment of ringing, Leon answered the call. The Carrier raised his brows in surprise.

“Oh. Hey. What’s up?” the brunette questioned softly. Cloud scowled a little; his Carrier looked vaguely upset and somewhat distracted.

“Everything alright?” the Charge asked.

“Yeah… yeah,” Leon said hesitantly. Cloud wasn’t convinced, but he didn’t press further. He figured Leon would’ve called him if there was an emergency. Since he didn’t, whatever the problem was could wait until they were alone.

“I had a question,” Cloud continued.

“Sure,” the Carrier agreed.

“Cid has enlightened me and told me I have a bank account? I wasn’t aware of that.”

“Where do you think your paychecks go?”

“It makes sense _now_ but I never thought about it before.”

“Well, every time you use the Credit card, it withdraws money from your account and deposits it in the other person’s account. Or company. Whichever.”

“Right, I know.”

“So why do you have questions? You understand all of it.”

“I was wondering how much is in there.”

“Uh…” Leon drawled, turning his attention to the rest of his terminal’s screen. His fingers tapped away at the smooth glass interface for a moment before he stopped and started scrolling. “It’s a little under three million Credits. Why?”

“Oh. Huh. I was just wondering. All of it is mine?”

“Yes. The account is in your name. Legally, I can’t have my own account because I’m not considered a person.”

“Oh,” Cloud said, a thoughtful frown crossing his face. “If it was legal for you to have one too, how much of it would be yours? I don’t want to consider it just mine.”

“Well, I would assume half of whatever money you’ve made from being a Charge. I don’t know how much that would be off the top of my head, though.”

“I get paid for being a Charge?” the blonde questioned.

“Cloud,” Cid interjected, covering his eyes with a hand in disbelief.

“What? I was never told this!”

“You get a little bit of money every week. Legally, because you’re a CDI and employed as a Charge, the Technicians have to pay you something. It doesn’t have to be much because they basically give you everything to live, but they still have to. They tell us it’s because they’re generous, but it’s actually a law.”

“What’s a CDI?” Cloud asked.

“A chronologically displaced individual. It’s a fancy way of branding Charges as ‘citizens but really _really_ foreign.’ It’s a title reserved just for you guys,” Leon explained.

“Oh. Neat. I’ve learned so much in the last twenty minutes.”

“I’m curious to know why you needed to know about the account. Not that it matters; you can do whatever you want with the money. It’s just really abrupt.”

“Cid and I were talking about money stuff and I was sort of oblivious. So I needed more information.”

“I see. Well, I’ll let you get back to it, I guess. I’ll come out and get you soon.”

“Okay. See you then,” Cloud said, waving at the tablet a bit. Leon gave him a halfhearted smile before ending the call from his end.

“He seemed sort of upset,” Cid remarked.

“Yeah, I noticed. I wonder what happened. He was fine this morning.”

“Did you want to duck out and see what the problem is?”

“Nah. If he was having a real crisis he would’ve called or my watch would’ve gone off. Whatever it is can wait. He’ll be here soon, anyway.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. There was another reason I wanted to call him about the money, by the way.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Why don’t I help you pay for the stuff you want to buy for the shop?” Cloud offered.

“What?” Cid asked with obvious surprise in his tone. He looked to his employee with a puzzled expression. “You can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” the older blonde trailed confusedly as he tried to put a cohesive sentence together. “Just because! This isn’t your business, kid. It’s not your responsibility to invest in it.”

Cloud shrugged. “I’ve got nothing to do with the money otherwise, and you said the business would grow if you had the equipment. It seems like an okay plan to me. I obviously can’t give you all of it up front, and I’d have to crunch some numbers to see how much Leon’s share should be, but I don’t mind helping if it’ll keep this place around longer. I like it here.”

“That’s… that’s too much, Cloud. I can’t accept that.”

“Why not? You heard Leon: the way it works is I swipe the card and the money goes from my account to yours. Easy.”

Cid sighed. “That’s not the problem.”

“Too prideful?” Cloud guessed. He couldn’t think of very many reasons why someone would turn away free money, especially when they wanted extra in the first place. Pride was the only reason he could come up with.

“There’s some of that but…” the older man trailed. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Cloud’s persistence was making it difficult to refuse. Taking his employee up on his offer would most certainly help things along, but he didn’t think the money should just be handed to him. Giving Cloud a way out of the lab and keeping himself occupied was all well and good but it wasn’t enough reason for Cid to justify why the younger blonde would be so generous. Especially not when the Charge proved he didn’t understand most of his financial situation just moments before.

“But…?” Cloud questioned.

“Just… give me some time to think about it,” Cid said, running a hand through his hair. “I’ll have to talk with Ducky and see what we can set up. I don’t want to just take it from you and have that be the end of it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, if this makes my business grow and it becomes more profitable, it wouldn’t be fair of me to ignore the fact that you were the one to make it happen. I’ll have to see what the particulars are behind setting up a profit sharing contract or something. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I took your money and ran with it without giving you _something_ in return monetarily. It might not be an immediate return, but it would have to happen eventually if it all pans out.”

“Whatever makes you feel better,” the Charge said with an indifferent shrug.

\----------------------------

“So, what’s up?” Cloud asked once he and Leon stepped out of Cid’s shop and onto the sidewalk. His Carrier’s mood hadn’t improved; he could see the worry pulling on the brunette’s features.

“Ansem called,” Leon murmured, his eyes watching the sidewalk.

“Yeah?”

“I’m due for a physical.”

“Okay.”

“He expects you to do it.”

“…Does he understand that I haven’t gotten that far in my studies?”

“I told him.”

“And? That doesn’t matter?”

“He told me to walk you through it.”

“Uh… okay. And that bothers you?”

Leon took a deep breath. “In ways it shouldn’t, yes. I’d have to… be undressed and be touched… and stuff.”

“ _Oh_. I see. That makes sense,” Cloud said. He frowned a bit, thinking carefully. “We could just have Zack do it and say it was me.”

“I thought about that, but…” Leon trailed, his sentence stopping as his mind started getting carried away.

“But?”

“I shouldn’t be bothered by this. I feel exceptionally stupid when I remember the last couple days. I expect you to eventually let me touch you as much as I want and in return you’re not even allowed to perform basic medical procedures on me? Seems pretty one-sided.”

“You say that as if there aren’t extenuating circumstances involved here.”

“I know, I know…”

“Leon,” Cloud said firmly, stopping their leisurely gait. The Carrier turned to him, eyes depressed. “I understand, so you should too. Ask Zack to do it. Get it over with and we’ll worry about the other stuff later, okay?”

“Cloud…” Leon said, his tone tired and heavy.

“Yeah? I think it’s a solid plan,” the blonde said. He stepped to his Carrier and put his hands on the other’s shoulders. “I’m confident Zack can stick his fingers in your ass with the best of ‘em.”

Leon scowled with an exasperated sigh before leaning forward and pressing his forehead into Cloud’s shoulder. His Charge hugged him loosely. It would’ve been extremely easy to accept the blonde’s proposal and just let Zack do the procedure, but Leon felt like it was the wrong choice. By that point in his life, all the bad blood between he and Cloud was so far in the distant past that it felt less like paranoia to bring it up and more like betrayal.

For as understanding as his Charge was being, Leon was sure that it hurt to be reminded. Again. He felt that, if he was going to truly move past the problems, he needed to face them. Not doing so and constantly giving in to the easy solutions meant that nothing would get done, which would have a severe impact on their project in the long run. Also, Cloud had already seen him naked and touched him before when he needed surgery. He had literally nothing to hide.

“I’m sure he can,” Leon said. He slid his hands around the other’s waist and hugged him back. “But I agree with Ansem. You need to learn, and I need a physical; especially given my apparent ability to grow random lumps in places.”

“I… agree,” Cloud admitted hesitantly. He really did need to learn and Leon really did need a physical. He was worried that agreeing would give Leon the impression that he was insulted or hurt by the Carrier’s anxiety, but if the brunette was willing to admit it first, the threat was reduced. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t nervous about it.

“Do you?” Leon questioned, pulling back out of their hug. He hadn’t expected Cloud to agree so quickly. The guilt was immediate. Clearly, his Charge thought the Carrier should be over his issues, too. Or so the paranoia told him.

“Yeah. I don’t believe you want to be burdened by this anymore. That’s not to say that the problem will magically disappear after one physical, but you seem willing to at least try it, so I agree we should.”

“Are you comfortable with it?”

“Well… if I’m honest, the idea of shoving my fingers in someone’s asshole – any asshole – isn’t the best. But…” Cloud trailed, furrowing his brows together a bit as he tried to put his words together in his head. “I don’t dislike it more than I like the idea of making sure you’re healthy. If that makes sense. I’m sure there was an easier way to phrase that, but I couldn’t think of it fast enough.”

Leon laughed a bit. “I get it. Thank you,” he said gently. Quickly leaning forward again, he pecked his Charge’s lips. He didn’t stay there long, though, as he was gradually remembering that they were standing in the middle of a public sidewalk. Stepping back, he cleared his throat as color rose to his cheeks, his eyes darting around to find any onlookers.

The Carrier’s embarrassment made Cloud smile. He started walking again, causing Leon to fall in step next to him. “So… I was thinking.”

“I’m sorry, that must be painful for you.”

“Ha-ha, fucknut, shut up,” Cloud grumbled. He cleared his throat. “Cid was talking to me about business stuff, and long story short, I’m tempted to hand him just about all of my money so he can get some new equipment for the shop.”

“Uh… okay. Just because you want to? Or did you actually put some thought into this?”

“Well, both actually. At first it was sort of an impulse thing because he looked kind of dumpy and I figured it was an easy fix. But then he started talking about profit sharing and stuff and it seemed more like a better idea for longevity of the business, financial stability, and… stuff.”

“Stuff.”

“Right. The shop has done more for me than giving me a paycheck I didn’t realize I had. Like, I knew I was being paid, but I never really noticed because I had no need to. But, I’m very conscious of how much I like being there, how much it’s helped me stay sane, and how much it’s kept me out of trouble. It’s worth way more to me than whatever amount of money I have. Cid’s business isn’t failing, but it isn’t growing. He wants to invest in new equipment to do anti-radiation coating. But, it’s very expensive. So I want to help. It makes sure I still have a place to occupy myself for a long time, and I get to learn some new stuff when the equipment arrives. That’s fun too.”

“I see. That certainly is some stuff.”

“You don’t think it’s an okay idea?”

“Honestly, I just don’t know enough about investing to have an opinion right now. But, it’s your money. You can do as you please with it. If you think it’s a good idea, then go ahead.”

“You’re sure?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?’

“You sound hesitant,” Cloud said, watching his Carrier from the corner of his eye.

“I’m hesitant because I don’t know enough about it to be comfortable. But, at the same time, if it turns into a disaster and you lose everything, it’s not like you were using the money much in the first place.”

“Right! Better for money to do something rather than nothing, yeah?”

“Agreed. I guess.”

\-----------------------------

The idea of receiving a physical weighed heavily on Leon’s mind for the remainder of their walk home. He tried to not let it bother him, but his efforts failed miserably. Cloud could feel the tension radiating off the Carrier like an otherworldly aura. He didn’t know what to do to help. He was, after all, the root of the problem so he didn’t feel like there was much he could do. The air between them stagnated and turned awkward as they went to eat dinner together. The inevitable procedure hovered over them, looming like a foreboding energy ready to crush the fragile stability they had cultivated together. The worst part was that physicals were such normal and simple things. If something so tiny threatened them like the world was ending, what were the complex issues going to be like? It was a scary thought.

In an effort to chase away the tightness in his shoulders, Cloud stretched his arms over his head as they made their way into the lab. Leon bypassed him and meandered his way over to their supply closet to retrieve what few things they would need. His lifeless movements and expression had the Charge immediately concerned. Cloud understood that there was a certain amount of force his Carrier was pushing on himself in order to comply with Ansem’s demands, but the complete lack of light in the brunette’s features made a lump form in his gut. Whether it was intentional or not, there was no denying that Leon was retreating back to wherever it was that his mind felt safest. History told Cloud that such withdrawal wasn’t the best way to deal with things.

Over the many months of helping Leon wade his way through his sludge pit of depression, Cloud had learned a lot. He liked to think he knew what minefields to avoid when trying to get his Carrier to confront something, so he made a conscious effort to comb through his memories for any situation where Leon showed him how he tries to cope. The most concrete thing he could think of was the Carrier’s sarcasm and dry humor. Whenever posed with a situation he would’ve rather not be in, Leon tended to try and deflect it away with some sort of remark to lighten the tension. Even if it was self-depreciating or not particularly funny, it was still a habit the Carrier relied on to get him through whatever was bothering him. That, or he got angry. But Cloud was trying to avoid angry.

“You know,” Cloud began as he walked to their exam table. He leaned forward and slid his arms across its surface, sprawling out on his stomach so he could look up into Leon’s downcast face as he approached. His Carrier raised a brow at him.

“Hm?” the brunette hummed.

“I’m glad we’re taking this meaningful journey together. I just wanted to let you know it’s a very magical moment for me,” the blonde said, settling his elbows on the table surface and his chin in his palms.

“Uh, okay. Good for you?” Leon guessed, furrowing his brows together confusedly.

“Good for us. Becoming intimately familiar with each other’s assholes is just the natural progression of this sort of relationship, isn’t it? It’s the first step to prosperity.”

Leon laughed a bit. “If you say so.”

“You don’t agree?”

“It’s not that I don’t agree, I just don’t see the connection between assholes and prosperity.”

“Well, not to be rude or anything, but you seemed pretty infatuated with my asshole for a minute there, so there had to be _something_ about it that inspired you. Mutual asshole inspiration might just be the thing that spurs us to start something new, and quite possibly prosper from it. See? Asshole prosperity.”

“Are you high? Did someone slip you something in your salad dressing?”

“It’s very possible,” Cloud said.

“Maybe it isn’t a good idea to do this right away if you’re intoxicated.”

“Nah, we may as well get it out of the way,” the blonde encouraged, standing straight again. He put his hands on his hips and gave his Carrier an inquisitive look. “Aren’t you excited to embark on this knowledge quest in order to figure out the status of your butt?”

“Ecstatic,” Leon grumped, setting the tube of gel, Cloud’s tablet, and a pair of gloves on the table. “There are things we should do first. We can save the assholes for later.”

“You mean you don’t want me to shove my hand in your ass and then immediately touch you everywhere else? I can’t imagine why that order of operations wouldn’t be preferable.”

Leon laughed under his breath. “You’re gross,” he mumbled. He turned so his back was to the exam table before bracing his hands on its surface and hefting himself up to sit. Taking up the tablet, he poked at it a bit until he could bring up a few anatomical diagrams. Cloud was in the very beginning of his anatomy and physiology lessons, so their work was very relevant to what he was currently studying.

“Not gross enough for you to get rid of me, though. Don’t talk as if this is a problem for you.”

“It’s not, I’m just stating the obvious.”

Leon spent the next half hour going over the basics of what Cloud was expected to do. There were a lot of similarities between the Carrier’s Implant and Primal forms in terms of what things should feel like and where abnormalities were most likely to present themselves. It was a lot of information to absorb in such a short amount of time, but Leon reassured Cloud that it’d all be second nature given enough time. Ansem had informed the Carrier that his physicals (prostate exams in particular) were to be more frequent than most Carriers had due to his electrocution – every four months instead of yearly. Enough time had passed between their mutual past traumas that the Technicians were beginning to expect them to act as everyone else did; their examination schedule was going to steadily increase as a result.

“Couldn’t we just shove you in the Diagnostic Care Center and let it scan you? Why do I even need to do any of this?” Cloud questioned as he stared at his tablet, scrolling through the checklist of things the Technicians wanted him to look for.

“I suppose we could, but having you take twenty minutes out of your day is more cost effective. The liquid that fills the chamber isn’t just water, you know. It’s a slurry of chemicals that makes it so the machine can do its job. Besides, I hate it,” Leon replied stiffly. He was staring at the floor, avoiding eye contact with his Charge as much as possible. They had finished the preliminary exam and needed to move on to the more intimate parts.

“Even if that’s true, I feel like it’d be far more accurate than whatever results us Charges could come up with.”

“It would be, I agree. But for most Carriers, this is enough. I think they’d have us do Care Center exams if the extent of my injuries in the past were more extreme. Like… if I had ever had a grievous injury that required my internal organs to be shifted around in addition to being electrocuted or something. Being shocked once thirty years ago doesn’t equate to that level of extremism.”

“But what if we miss something and something bad happens? I can’t push on and feel every lump that’d develop on you. What about your lungs? Your heart? Your brain?” Cloud asked. He tried to lean down and to the side so he could see into the brunette’s face.

Leon’s attention flicked to him briefly before he shrugged and looked down again. “I don’t know. I assume those would have to be things we fix after an actual predicament presents itself. Lumps simply existing in places they shouldn’t doesn’t exactly create an instant problem. They could be there a while and you’d have time to find most of them before there’s an issue, I would think. Just remember how long it took us to find the one in my gut.”

“That’s not good enough. Putting you at risk like that just to save some money is stupid.”

“Money is half of what makes all this possible, Cloud. It’s very important.”

“I know but—“

“Try not to think too hard on what could be.”

“I need to know that you’re okay, though.”

“I _am_ okay,” Leon said.

“For now, maybe,” Cloud insisted.

“Correct. And ‘for now’ is all that matters. It’s the same for human healthcare; all we can count on is ‘for now.’”

“Yeah… I know. But I still want to be sure.”

“I don’t know what to tell you, then.”

“Well…” the blonde trailed thoughtfully, pressing his lips into a thin line. “I want to ask Ansem how much a Diagnostic Care Center exam costs. If I can do one at least once a year, I’d feel better. If it’s something I can afford to do, I’ll offer to pay for it. Or maybe, if I can put together a report, I’ll make an appeal to get permission to do one every year. Or something.”

“If that’s what it takes to make you feel better, I won’t stop you,” Leon said.

“I find it sort of disturbing how nonchalant you are about this. I would think you’d be more invested in your own health.”

“I’m invested in the idea of getting this exam over with so my heart can settle back into my chest instead of sitting in my throat. It’s getting hard to breathe.”

Cloud opened his mouth to say something, forgot the words, and then closed it again. “Right. I’m sorry,” he blurted awkwardly. It was the only thing he could think to say.

“It’s fine,” Leon said, taking a deep breath.

A moment passed where Cloud simply watched his Carrier as the brunette stared at the floor. He noticed Leon’s white-knuckled grip on the table underneath him and the blonde scowled. Reaching forward, he set the tablet aside before gently taking hold of the other’s wrists and tugging them upward. He pulled Leon’s arms up and settled them on his shoulders, forcing the Carrier to pseudo-hug him. In return, he wrapped his own arms around the other’s waist and squeezed him tightly, resting his face against Leon’s shoulder. It took the brunette a second to fully recognize what Cloud was doing, but when he did, he hugged him back just as tightly. After a moment Leon was able to catch his breath again, and he heaved a heavy sigh; the tension slowly easing from his bones.

 _He’s trying so hard_ , Cloud thought to himself as a tiny smile pulled at his lips. Leon’s effort meant a lot to him; far more than his level of intellect could quantify. He didn’t have the vocabulary to express the things he felt, nor did he have a clear idea of how he should progress. It felt like a waste to let his Carrier’s work go without any sort of reward. A successful exam was all well and good, but the tightness in his chest and the warmth that was rising to his face told him it deserved more.

Pulling back from the comforting hug, Cloud brought a gloved hand up to cup the side of the Carrier’s face. He placed a soft peck on the other’s lips before settling their foreheads together, basking in the temporarily relaxed air between them. Leon appreciated the tenderness, and for a moment, he forgot about work. He forgot that they were supposed to be doing something more important. He forgot about his anxiety. He forgot about being afraid. Nothing else mattered; only Cloud holding him and making him feel safe. That feeling meant more to the Carrier than he could express.

So he didn’t. He didn’t put himself through the mental ire of trying to come up with words to describe what he was feeling. Instead, he stole another tiny kiss, his fingers gently combing through the short hairs on his Charge’s nape. The blonde’s eyes dropped closed for a moment as he reveled in the attention. Leon seized the opportunity for another kiss. And then another. Then Cloud took one. It wasn’t long before they didn’t bother parting ways in between and they remained together, attached at the tongue.

With his Carrier thoroughly distracted, Cloud’s hands lowered and came to rest on his Carrier’s thighs. With a firm grip, he massaged the brunette’s flesh; his thumbs making a special effort to dip in between the other’s legs. In response, Leon parted his knees enough for his Charge to close the scant gap that had been keeping them apart. The Carrier wrapped his arms around Cloud’s neck fully then, keeping him in place.

Inching upwards, the blonde’s fingers eventually found the button on Leon’s shorts. He undid it with relative ease and without any protesting from his Carrier, but as soon as he started to tug down the other’s zipper, the brunette froze. His breath halted in his throat and every muscle ceased any action. Cloud was the one to barely pull away from Leon’s lips in order to help ease his Carrier’s suddenly troubled psyche. Leon wasn’t recoiling away from him, but the reaction wasn’t what the blonde wanted.

“Relax. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” the Charge murmured quietly, his hands spreading out over the brunette’s hips. He started tugging on the other’s shorts; scooting them out from under the Carrier easily. Leon didn’t resist, but he didn’t move. He kept his forehead pressed against his Charge’s, his worried eyes glued to the endlessly calm blue ones in front of him. Once the clothing was at Leon’s knees, Cloud stopped pulling them and let them hang.

Leon’s nervousness didn’t dissipate despite his Charge’s reassurances, but to his surprise, Cloud didn’t look at what he was doing. Even with the Carrier fully exposed to him and mostly aroused, there wasn’t a glance or a peek; not even a quick gander. His eyes were laser focused on Leon’s face, studying the Carrier’s expressions carefully as his hands slid down and under the other’s thighs and lifted them some. Leon followed his Charge’s puzzling lead and pulled his knees up to his chest. His shorts made the movement difficult, but he didn’t make an effort to discard them completely.

The fabric tented over his lower half as he settled in place, effectively blocking any view either of the men would’ve had. Leon had to let go of Cloud’s neck and use his hands to support himself unless he wanted to rock backwards and possibly roll off the table. But even in this awkward and somewhat uncomfortable position, his Charge’s attention never left his face. After a moment of settling, the blonde leaned in for another brief kiss. Then another. And then another. Leon couldn’t comprehend what his Charge was going for, but the distraction was extremely welcome. Entranced by the other’s focused gaze, he allowed himself to be carried off into the warmth Cloud’s lips made him feel.

Once he had the Carrier’s attention fixated on him again, Cloud deftly reached out and patted his hand along the surface of the table searching for the tube of gel he knew was somewhere nearby. He eventually found it, and popped the cap up with his thumb. There was little patience for finding a civil way to get the lube on his hand, so the blonde’s solution was to simply squeeze the tube and scoop whatever came out off the table’s surface. It may have left a huge smear of clear gel in its wake and put too much in his hand, but the method was effective and Cloud was able to reach between them and take hold of the other’s shaft with cold fingers.

Leon’s shoulders shook as he gasped at the sudden surge of excitement speeding along his nerve endings. It had been such a long time since he been touched, that his immediate reaction was to pull away, but he stopped himself. Sure, he and Cloud had failed miserably at intercourse in the somewhat recent past, but he hadn’t had anyone handle him so gently and carefully since he left Balamb. It was overwhelming, and the Carrier didn’t know how to react. He had to pull away from the other’s lips in order to breathe.

Cloud’s hand began to move, stroking the Carrier’s member to full rigidity and coating it completely with gel. He watched Leon’s face carefully as the brunette averted his eyes from him and let his lids droop closed. The Carrier’s breath was a little shaky as his Charge fell into a rhythm of tight smooth strokes that made his toes curl. However, Cloud didn’t allow Leon to get used to the feeling for very long. Once it seemed like the brunette was falling too far into it, the blonde switched hands and moved the first one lower as the second resumed the rhythmic fondling.

The Charge could hear the other’s fingernails scrape against the metal table when his gel covered fingers slid down and between the Carrier’s cheeks. Leon stopped breathing for a moment but was forced to start again when Cloud’s hand squeezed his shaft and made him pay attention. He still couldn’t bring himself to look up at his Charge’s face, but at the very least the panic wasn’t pulling Leon under and causing everything to stall. The fingers sliding underneath him were intrusive and scary, but he couldn’t afford to stop and focus on the fear with his Charge literally pulling more dominating sensations from him.

Slippery fingers slid over and teased Leon’s entrance, gently nudging the tight ring again and again until the blonde could push a digit inwards. By that point in his life, Cloud had so much experience finding his own prostate that it didn’t take very long for his finger to bump into Leon’s and pull a low throaty groan from the body in front of him. The Carrier’s breath stopped in his chest as the overstimulation quickly undid him, spurred by what felt like a lifetime of being starved for attention.

Cloud’s hand stopped moving when he could feel the flesh pulsating in his palm and the warmth from the other’s seed dripping over the backs of his fingers. The brunette’s face made him smile; glazed over eyes, a scant tint of satisfaction to his features, and a deep exhale was all his Carrier offered him and Cloud couldn’t imagine anything else being so perfectly Leon. It was unbelievably difficult to pull any sort of extreme emotion from his Carrier that the blonde found himself wanting to go out of his way to see if he could do it. He wondered what it would take for Leon to scream his name in a fit of passion; his imagination was already starting to scheme.

“I’m going to be slimy for a week,” the Carrier mumbled, embarrassment slowly settling on his shoulders as Cloud stood there staring at him with a smug smile and a finger in his ass.

“Is that so?” the Charge asked innocently, his smile widening into a shit eating grin.

“Yes. Be a dear and fetch me a towel would you?” Leon grumbled spitefully, not at all amused with how pleased with himself his Charge seemed.

“Sure,” Cloud agreed, stepping away from him. He pulled off his gloves and dropped them in the nearby trashcan. He then headed to their storage cabinet to retrieve a towel as requested. He turned back to his Carrier and snorted back a laugh.

“Shut up.”

“You are _covered_ in gel. I’m so sorry,” Cloud said, his shoulders shaking as he covered his mouth with a hand.

“I _know_. I can feel it. Towel. Now,” Leon demanded crankily, holding his hand out. The blonde did as ordered and the brunette slapped the cloth over himself and wiped at his skin angrily. “This shit doesn’t come off Carriers like it does humans. It’s not water based. Don’t use so much next time. Just… just enough to get where you need to go,” he added, his tone quieting when he realized what he was implying.

“Right. I’m sorry,” Cloud said, his expression remaining.

“No you’re not.”

“I know. I’m not. But I’m trying to make you feel better.”

“Did you even pay attention to what you were doing up there? Or were you just giving me a bad handshake?”

“I was paying attention.”

“What did you feel?”

“It felt like… a couple of miniature tires stacked on top of one another. Softer than that but… yeah. That’s the only way I can think to describe it.”

“Were they smooth tires? Or lumpy ones with good treads?”

“Smooth. Sorry, that’s an important part. No lumps.”

“Okay. That’s fine.”

“Mine doesn’t feel like that. It’s totally smooth.”

“That’s because mine has two different testicles and sperm to facilitate. Mine is lobed; it’s basically two rings stacked on top of one another. Yours is one solid ring. They both do the same thing, and are about the same size, but mine is just shaped weird. If the lobes ever become irregular, or anything more than two evenly sized loops on top of one another, then there is an issue,” Leon explained, balling the towel up and tossing it into the trash can. He didn’t feel like dealing with trying to clean it. As he scooted off the table, he pulled his shorts up.

“Okay,” Cloud said, watching the Carrier closely.

“Also,” Leon said casually as he ran his hand over the giant glob of leftover lubricant on the exam table. He quickly stepped to his Charge and grabbed his shirt and yanked it upwards. Before Cloud could react, the brunette had slathered his chest in gel and backed away from him with a lopsided smile.

“Why?! What the fuck?!” the blonde barked, pulling his shirt away from the offending slippery mass on his skin.

“There’s a patch of skin on your chest that is the same material as my skin. You’ll understand why this shit shouldn’t be thrown everywhere when you have to deal with a big stripe of slime over your heart for a week.”

“Aw, fuck off! I didn’t know!” Cloud cried.

Leon leaned in and kissed his cheek. “Now you do. Thanks for the awkward handjob, by the way,” he said. Turning on his heel, he headed towards the doors.

“Where are you going?” the blonde sputtered, going to grab another towel from the cabinet.

“To get a shower. Clean the table for me while I’m gone, okay? Thanks.”


End file.
